#theres just been a couple of moments recently that have it on my mind

[arsenicflame]

sometimes i wonder which of my mutuals think of me as like, a username they recognise, and which of my mutuals i am A Friend. would like to sit n play with our dolls with me.

[lulujeno]

them as your older brother, finding out you have a crush on one of their members

— nct dream ᡣ𐭩

cw : some of them question ur taste in men but thats overall it, just some playful banter :D

a/n : really nervous for my exam tmr so i wrote this to calm me down ^^ gender neutral as always but it's a little shorter than my other one, hope you guys enjoyyyt <3

mark:

your crush on renjun wasn't that obvious at first

well that was until your youtube search history betrayed you

mark was borrowing your laptop one day and was so confused when the most recent searches was just renjun

"renjun fancam" "renjun cute moments" "renjun being mad at dreamies"

didn't put two and two together just yet but it was at the back of his mind for sure

would call you to visit the dreamies more often to see if his assumption was right okay scooby doo

you'd bring snacks and drinks most of the time, somehow always getting renjun's favourite stuff

texted you the moment he was sure that you do have a crush on his bandmate

you admitted it and since then he's been the #1 y/njun shipper

gives you updates about renjun

if it isn't obvious enough, he does approve of junnie (maybe a little too much)

renjun:

came to him one day for help since you were thinking of confessing to haechan

looked directly into your eyes and tells you you can do better than haechan

"haechan? of all people??"

proceeded to tell you that he already knows about your little crush

would tell you things that haechan likes or dislikes, even though he looks like he disapproves

secretly happy that its someone he knows really well and not some random douche

you'd notice jun's little ways of helping you get with your crush

you give him a small smile and he'd mouth to thank him later

would still nag to you because he really can't see what you see in his bandmate

"whatever makes you happy"

don't worry, he approved of haechan after seeing the way he treats you

jeno:

tried to act surprise when you said you found mark interesting

you hit him jokingly because of how bad his acting was

teases you about your crush

when you visit the dreamies he does that thing with his eyebrows and makes it really obvious that you like his bandmate

but for real though, he'd be really supportive and actually try to help you out

would still give you the 'don't get your hopes up' talk since he doesn't want you to be heartbroken

happy that you came to him for help with your little crush (you? not so happy because he's so obvious)

"mark did you see y/n's new hair?" "mark doesn't y/n smell good today?" "mark you're not gonna give y/n a hug too?"

you want to smack jeno every time he does it thank god mark lee is oblivious as hell

haechan:

thought that you were joking when you said like jaemin

realised that you were serious and suddenly theres plan a all the way till z to get you and jaemin together

one of then was to lock you both in a closet (in hopes that it ends with you guys kissing ONLY)

like jeno, tells you to not get your hopes up too high since the last thing he wants is to see his sibling cry over a MAN.

still questions why you like jaemin though, he thinks that that guy is weird

tried to tell you things to give you the ick about jaemin but it doesn't work

at one point he got too tired waiting for you to confess so he told jaemin himself

don't worry, he told you when he was going to spill the beans (yeah like 5 seconds before he said it)

jaemin:

jisung?? of all people??? that boy can't even take care of himself, how would he take care of you?

gives you a whole ted talk on why you should go for a real man like mark or jeno instead

ends up seeing what you see in jisung though

tall? deep voice? big hands? can dance? that ticks off everything in your list!

the talk ends with him being supportive and brainstorming ideas on how to make you guys a real couple

would straight up tell jisung that you like him

probably gave jisung a whole protective brother talk that scared the poor guy

tells you that it's the only way because things need to be clearly said to jisung or else he'd be too shy to initiate anything

asks for cat food in return if everything works out because he has children to feed!

chenle:

be fr, zhong chenle knows everything

so when you told him that you like jeno he did not bat an eye

tbh he was just waiting for you to admit it before going through with his plan

the plan? you accidentally tripping in front of jeno, landing on top of him, and kissing him

you just stand there thinking if your brother was actually stupid enough to think that it'll work

doesn't play when it comes to y/nno

but if jeno does end up liking you back suddenly chenle's favourite place is the gym

also doesn't play when it comes to protecting his sibling

warns jeno that if he breaks your heart then he will break other things!

jisung:

was appalled when he found out that you like chenle

chenle? zhong chenle?? his best friend of 8 years zhong chenle ???

give him a second to take it all in

finally connected the dots on why you keep asking for updates about chenle

would help you out in a subtle way

ways like making chenle sit beside you or asking chenle to call you instead of doing it himself

backfires soon after since he told chenle that you watch basketball

forgot to add in wives, you watch basketball wives not basketball itself

can't keep a secret for too long, especially one about chenle so give it 2 weeks tops before your crush finds out

fair to say it ended with both of them spamming you (one to apologise and the other? other reasons)

[divinesolas]

Shots

summary: you’ve been best friends with jacaerys since you were children but due to his recent girlfriend you two have barely spent anytime together. You two are forced back into the same space when you attend cregan starks party and tensions rise

r.q: Nothing specific but please give more modern jace w smut. Your work is so gooddd 😩

w.c: 2k

c.w: porn with a little plot, a little angst, modern!college!cregan, modern!college!jace x reader, cregan the miracle worker, oral (f!receiving), protected sex (WRAP IT UP!), not proofread

a.n: i have a couple requests im supposed to get done before this but when i saw this in my inbox it wouldn't leave my mind 😭 love you guys hope you enjoy 🫶

You didnt want to come to this party tonight but cregan had practically begged you to come.

‘i dont know cregan.’ you had told him while walking out of your shared lab class. ‘oh come on itll be fun,’ he pauses and thinks for a moment before having a devious grin on his face. ‘if youre worried about it i promise you wont see jace. he said hes busy’ you eye him and he swears hes not lying so you shrug and tell him sure you’ll be there leading him to hug you before running off.

its not like you hated jacaerys, you couldnt the two of you are best friends. Well you're currently unsure of how the two of you stand, his current girlfriend seemed so determined to be rid of you and you didn't want to get in the way you backed off not wanting her to feel uncomfortable but its since left you feeling strange.

You should feel happy for him, he's found someone he seems to like but instead you’re left with a sharpness in your chest anytime you think about him and someone else. You like him. No maybe you love him but he clearly doesn't seem to like you like that so you can never tell him that. You're happy he isn't at this party and is busy doing whatever he’s doing. You decided you need to take your mind off him, you can keep yourself stuck in your head over this and you certainly cant be crushing on a taken man.

Now youre stuck talking with this guy, something Lannister you don't even know his name, but he seems more than eager to be talking with you and for that a part of you is grateful you didn’t have to work to hard to get a guys attention.

“Wheres the bathroom?” “Ill take you to one.” He grabs your hand harshly and begins to lead you to the staircase. You tug at the hand hes stuck holding and attempt to get him to let go telling him you dont need him to hold you. He says something about it just being quicker and you should just follow him. This rings alarms in your head and now your gripping the rail and forcefully trying to get out of his grip. “get the fuck off me!” “just shut the fuck up and come with me.”

“What the fuck do you think your doing man?” Your eyes widen in shock at his voice as the lannister scoffs at him, “just trying to take the lady to the restroom velaryon.” “she doesn't wanna go with you man let her go. and theres not a bathroom up there.” He walks up to the other guy and shoves him back his hand lets go of yours and with your new freedom and you quickly put a distance between you two. The lannister mumbles some shit under his breath and ends up walking upstairs alone, “she isnt even worth it.”

“are you okay?” jace quickly rushes back over to you and grabs your hand check it looking at you alarmed. “im okay thank you jace.” He lets out a sigh of relief and takes a step back running a hand through his hair. You just stare at him and your heart races, god hes so hot wearing just a pair of shorts and an open white button up with his whole chest out, the necklace you had given him for his birthday a couple years ago sits nicely on his chest, his hair is wet and even so is his chest leading you to realize he had been out in the pool. He was at this fucking party. Cregan that fucking asshole. “i thought you weren't coming.”

He tilts his head at you and shakes his head, “who told you that?” “Cregan.” He hums and turns away for a second mumbling some stuff under his breath you swear you hear something about cregan being an ass before turning back to you. “He must have gotten the dates mixed up.” All you can do is nod and play with your fingers, its awkward. You have never felt awkward around jace so this was different, of course your own feelings have to come around and ruin everything. While you look down at your hands you dont notice that hes just staring at you with a starry eyes. “You want a drink?”

You look up at him and you feel hot finally noticing his gaze on you, “sure.” The two of you make your way to the kitchen where you walk past cregan who gives you a wink as you walk by that fucking asshole, what was he even trying to do? As you watch jace you cant help yourself, “hows… oh whats her name?” you mumble the last part under your breath unable to even remember the poor girls name. He just hums and hands you a cup, “Claire? Oh we broke up.” you gasp and look at him shocked, “oh my god im so sorry.” he smiles at you and shakes his head easily tossing the shot into his mouth. “She cheated on me, you know that guy mason,” “the guy in the photography course?” “yeah with him,” “he looks like her cousin,” “thats because he is her cousin.” you gasp in horror on of you hands flying to cover your mouth as you try not to laugh.

He laughs, and makes a fist to cover his mouth, all you can think about is how beautiful he is, “You can laugh you know its funny.” with his permission you dub over with a laugh and shake your head, “thats unbelievable.” “imagine my shock!” “Im still sorry by the way, thats really shitty.” He continues to look out in the distance as he takes other shot, “its alright love i was gonna dump her anyway.”

You take a sip from your cup and just watch him, “why? thought you liked her?” For the first time in awhile he looks over at you and you take notice of the affectionate look in his eyes as he smiled softly at you. “i realized i liked somebody else.” “Ah.” you look away and you feel him move closer to you and grab you chin to look at him. “You wanna know who?” “Jace..” Hes standing so close you can smell his cologne, his hand leaves you chin and runs down your arm. “Ive known her for a long time but i only just realized how much i love her, I’ve been a fool.”

You kiss him, reaching your hands to cup his cheeks, he deepens the kiss his hands grabbing your waist to pull you closer to him pressing you directly against him. You dont know how long youve been standing there just kissing him, when you two pull away to take a breath you can hear a get a room from someone who walks by and you remember youre just standing in some random guys kitchen and press your head into his neck. “this is so embarrassing.” he just laughs and presses a kiss to the top of your head. “You wanna come back to mine?” His implications are very clear to you especially as you feel his hardness pressing against you, you nod.

Not even thirty minutes later he had you laid out bare on his bed, his mouth latched onto your clit leaving you desperately clinging onto his hair as you throw your head back, “jace.” he hums as he brings one of his hands down to play with your folds as his other stays firmly on your stomach pressing you down onto the mattress.

as you get closer your hands stray from his hair and fist the newly washed sheets under you as you continue to call out his name. you've been with a couple guys in the past but none pf them compared to how jace had been making you feel, none of them made you quiver and shake when you came like he did. he mouth finally detaches from you and he sits up looking at you while licking his lips. “That good?” You slap his chest and continue to take some deep breaths, “fuck you.” “i will i promise.”

His shirt and shorts had been thrown off somewhere, probably out laying in his hallway along with your clothes. He quickly slides a condom on before climbing on top of you so his necklace is dangling in front of you. “You good?” you nod at him and he kisses down your neck and leaves kisses all over your breasts. “Need you jace.”

“you need what baby?” you groan as you feel him push his dick between you fold lightly rubbing up and down. “Please jace.” “what is it? tell me and ill do anything for you.” He looks at you expectantly and you let out a strained moan as you begin to beg him, “please fuck me jace please please.” he hums happily and quickly readjusts himself, “You only needed to ask baby.”

You feel like your heart is about to burst out of your chest as he thrusts into you, as your hands grip his his back and running down it as he continues to thrust, thats definitely going to leave a mark. but based on the hiss and groans he lets out that tells you he likes it.

You swear youve never felt so good, he continues to hit the deepest and sweetest parts of you. He fucks you so fast and hard you're shocked the bed under you stays intact, he brings one of his hands down to your clit and your hands dig into his lower back and you cant help but press your head to his shoulder. “Jace fuck jace.” your mouth his muffled against his skin but he acknowledges you by bringing his lips to yours into a harsh kiss matching the thrusts of his hips. “Wanted this for so long jace.” he groans and you swear he somehow begins to move faster, “me too baby me too, now that i have you ill never let you go,” he licks at the sweat that has dripped his way to you neck and his hands move to grip your waist, “gonna fuck you everyday, i promise fuck best pussy in the world.”

You whimper at his words and your head is once against pressed against his shoulder, “im so close.” “cum for me baby please i need to feel it,” he hisses as he feels you bite into his shoulder and his eyes rolls back into head, “im right behind you fuck cum please.”

“i love you.” the words leave you easily as you cum. He cums at the sensation of you releasing, “fuck i love you.” leaving him twitching and still as he huffs and puffs, out of breath. he pulls out with a hiss and lets out an apology as he sees you wince, he climbs out of bed and makes his way to the bathroom, getting rid of his condom and coming back with a towel cleaning you and him up before climbing into bed next to you.

“fuck that was good.” the two of you laugh and you roll yourself to look at him. “did you mean it?” he hums and draws shapes on your stomach, “mean what?” “that you love me?” He looks at you with a dumbfounded look, “are you serious?” you rolls your eyes and try to turn away but he grabs you and pulls you close to him pressing your face against his chest, “of course i love you you idiot.” you smile and press a kiss on his chest before you fall asleep.

when you wake up the next morning and check you phone you see some text from cregan from last night.

‘saw you leave with jace just now 😁’

‘you’re welcome you bitch 🫶’

[stanathanxoox]

Our Babies

“Our babies would be so cute.”

“Oh, yeah?” - Ominis Gaunt x MC

You had just escaped from the hospital wing, your boyfriend helping to escort you there when you had began to feel incredibly nauseous and dizzy during potions class with Professor Sharp. Matron Blainely had insisted that you spent the rest of the day in the hospital wing until whatever ails you passed, having sent Ominis back to class straight after he was sure you were settled. Matron Blainely had run some tests throughout the afternoon and come to only one conclusion, one that you should’ve probably suspected given your most recent turn in your relationship with your boyfriend. You made your way through the door into the room of requirement, having sent Ominis an owl when you were being released from the hospital wing for him to meet you there. You settled on the couch having noticed that he hadn’t arrived yet. Deek appeared a couple minutes later and bowed in front of you saying

“I have a plate full of plain crackers and some soup at Matron Blainely’s request for you Miss Y/N, she said that given your certain situation at the moment you may not feel like eating what is being served for dinner in the Great hall”. You take it gratefully, and chew slowly on the crackers

“Thank you Deek, I appreciate it greatly. Do you mind giving me and Ominis some space while I tell him?” you ask and Deek nods, taking your hand in his small one before he says

“Mr Gaunt has been worried sick about you all day Miss Y/N, kept on calling me to see if I knew any more about your condition. I’m sure he will be positively thrilled to hear your news”. And with that theres a poof and Deek is gone.

You don’t have time to even think or dwell on what Deek had just said to you because the door cracks open and you hear the worried voice of your boyfriend call out

“Y/N? Are you in here? I got your owl and came as quickly as I could” he says as he rushes into the room. You stand and make your way over to him, suddenly very nervous about the whole situation. You had known right from the beginning of your friendship with Ominis that he didn’t care much for his family or for what they had done and how much he wanted to escape. How much after this last year of school he wanted to leave and never return to his families home ever again. You hadn’t really talked about children apart from that if you had them they weren’t to be anything like his family. But you couldn’t help but worry what would happen given that you were both unmarried and - you couldn’t think of that. Your hands are ringing together, a sign of how anxious and nervous you are, something that even though Ominis can’t see he can still pick up

“My sweet Y/N, what is wrong?” he asks, placing his hands gently on your arms to reassure you

“Our babies would be so cute” you say, blurting the first thing that comes to your mind, another anxious trait you had. He raises an eyebrow even more confused as he asks

“Oh yeah?” and you nod your head before gently taking his hands and placing them on the slight bump that is your growing baby. You watch the different expressions flicker across his face, from shock, astonishment and wonder, to happiness and excitement

“Are you serious right now?” he asks, his voice a whisper and you nod leaning in and whispering

“Yes Ominis, we’re having a baby, Blainely thinks I’m about 12 and a half weeks pregnant” 

“We’re having a baby” he whispers before pressing a kiss to your lips and you smile

“Ominis, what does this mean for us and the baby?” you ask and he places a kiss to your forehead

“We have two months left till graduation my sweet girl, and then we can marry and raise this baby  together” he declares as if it was the surest thing in the whole world.

“Are you sure?” you ask and he nods

“Of course I’m sure my sweet girl, a life without you in it just doesn’t seem worth living and now that I know we’re having our own precious little one well that’s even more reason for us to be together don’t you think sweet girl?” he asks and you nod, as tears slip down your face

“I love you Ominis” you whisper and he beams. 

Tag List: @tiva-jenry-caskett-rizzles-densi​, @jimmybpride​, @dressed-up-just-like-z1ggy​, @nikkiwierden​, @samchelforever007​, @kirkspockbones​, @xoncisxncislaxncisnolaox​, @lasalle-pride-sebastian-love​, @haliannej​, @brooklyn-99-amyxjake​​, @mizzezm​, @genius2050​, @twilight-twihard​, @cullencoven2019​, @wxlfgirlx​, @luciferxchloeislove​, @drethanramsey-ismybabe​, @sawyer-oakley-is-mighty-fine​, @loverofoneshots​, @aelin-thefirebreathingbitchqueen​​

[natashasbitxh]

Okay so for people in diff timezones, it's around 4am on the 13th April for me, so the 11th was about two days ago

But I've been meaning to make a little post

Thursday marked the year anniversary of Smosh's tntl with Starkid. Now I know to some that means absolutely nothing, but to me it's a little special because this means I've now been a proper smosh fan and on smoshblr for around a year now☹️

I would say I REALLY became apart of smoshblr around November when I became shaynse anon and I don't want to sound cringey but I actually believe that I have changed quite a bit since then blogwise and even personalitywise even though its been a couple of months

I guess I just wanted to make a post to say from the bottom of my heart thank you, the mutuals and anons I've gained the past couple of months is a lot compared to me pre shaynse anon. I really found my footing on tumblr and gained a lot more confidence all thanks to this little community 🙂

I will never forget shaynse day, its still CRAZY to me that even one person thought of me, never mind multiple. I remember when that happened (people reaching out to me), I was giddy for days and I was ready to explode because I had nobody in real life to talk to it about😭 So thank you SO much

To anybody that has even liked or reblogged a post of mine, thank you. To anybody that has clicked on my blog and had a little look around, thank you. To anybody that has given me a follow or sent in an ask, THANK YOU. I know it seems small, but even a little interaction truly makes my day. I love this little corner of the internet☹️🫶

Theres a few mutual that I absolutely HAVE to thank, because you guys truly are such a big part of tumblr for me.

(Now, please understand that these are people specific to SMOSHBLR🙏)

@jovenshires, hi bestie🙂 you've genuinely done SO much for me since I sent that silly little ask to you, indirectly or not. I definitely don't think I'd have my little place on smoshblr without you, shaynse anon was A MOMENT. I still think about the Christmas gift you gave to me daily, it genuinely warms my heart sm that you'd think to create something for me☹️ AND YOU THOUGHT OF IT WHILE I WAS STILL ONLY A LITTLE ANON☹️ Thank you SO much for helping me be welcomed into this space🫶

@lilac-hecox, I don't think we've directly spoken a lot? But we interact with eachother quite a bit, and ur blog?? OBSESSED. Anyway recent memory on April 1st I just remember booping the HELL out of ur page and u booping just as much back😭🫶

@wallpaper-inside-my-heart, I genuinely think about the smoshblr december asks SO MUCH. That was such a sweet thing for you to do and I rlly think it brought the fandom sm closer, and it was so kind how you acknowledged like almost everybody's posts almost EVERYDAY. It was so fun talking to you abt our interests🫶

@ancientvamp, hello to my shaynse SOLDIER OMG🫶 We both fill up the shaynse tag SM and I LOVE IT😭 Ur like my no.1 shaynse blog probably, like sometimes I feel we are SO on the same wavelength. I just think ur rlly neat!! 🫶

@bomikalover, HELLO TO ANOTHER SHAYNSE SOLDIER!!! My shaynse bestie!! Your edits are SOOO iconic, and I'm so happy to have been able to let you know chanse saw ur edit, that was literally insane and I was so happy for u☹️ ur just so 🫶🫶🫶

now there are SO MANY PEOPLE I'd LOVE to tag, but I thought I'd narrow it down to just a few that I've properly interacted with. To any mutuals that see this, please don't take offense, not my intention AT ALL!!! In fact, HI HI HI!!! If you'd like, PLEASE reach out or interact with me!! I'd always love to communicate, whether that's in reblogs, comments etc!!

I do actually have a project I want to do as an almost celebration, but I kinda had to scrap and restart my whole idea because it wasn't going how I wanted😭 so bear with! And also I'll probably do something for the anniversary of shaynse day, cause why not🤷‍♀️

ANYWAY, long story short THANK YOU to all and to smoshblr for being such a welcoming and sweet area on the Internet when everywhere else is often not🫶

-love, shaynse anon

[hms-no-fun]

Currently struggling a lot with getting very excited about a project, writing a lot, editing that writing until it's way more polished than what I can come up with off the cuff, and then being too intimidated to add to the document anymore since the previous good writing still gives off this looming intimidation if that makes sense? The more I write the greater the fear is I'll crash the story into a ditch that reveals the premise can't work. have you had that "its not all coming together shit theres a snag thats really important that i missed" moment? I realize it's pretty inevitable for that to happen, but whenever I write myself out of a moment like that I always second guess that I'm still overlooking something important or taking the easy way out. I know it's probably just all about pushing through but I worry that by pushing im just further diluting the original spirit of the project? Sorry for the all over the place ask, hope you have a good day :3

this is always a tough situation to navigate as a writer. happens to me often, and it has taken me a very long time to come even remotely close to being able to deal with it productively. believe it or not, i actually have quite a lot to say about this, so prepare for that below the break.

first of all, no, it's absolutely NOT all about pushing through. i find "pushing through" can just as often make the problem worse. keep in mind that i can only speak to my own experience and process, so any advice i might give here should only be taken insofar as you personally find it useful.

this is a form of writer's block. there are many different types of blocks, each with their own causes and hypothetical treatments. a big part of becoming A Writer as such is learning the difference between them, and developing methods for dealing with them on a case by case basis that don't involve substance abuse. don't do cocaine. that's step one.

most of my blocks are in the vein you describe. i'll be writing a scene that feels good, until i cross a threshold somewhere and suddenly the whole thing feels dead in the water. the first thing i do when this happens is stop writing. it's hard to stop when you're on a roll, i know. life is short and it's hard enough to write even on a good day, but sometimes you can just tell that you're on the wrong track and at that point you're probably not gonna be able to write your way back on.

once stopped, i check the basics. have i eaten recently? am i hydrated? have i taken my medications? these are rarely my problem (i keep a big water bottle with me at all times and my gf makes sure i'm fed), though you never know how useful a snack break can be. most of the time if the problem isn't with the text, it's that i've been writing for too fucking long and i need to clock out. learning to clock out is SO hard. but as i've been getting into the habit these last couple months, while i generally write less per day i ultimately end up writing more over time. i can feel my brain cooking when i've been writing too long. it's a muscle like anything else. if you did a bunch of overtime shifts at a more physical job, you'd need time to recover too. your body isn't a machine, your brain isn't a computer, and living things are inconsistent. it sucks but you'll have a better time all around when you learn to work with your body instead of against it.

another question is, have i showered recently? i find showers tedious and boring. also i still have depression even though my life is a lot better than it used to be. i lived on my own for a very long time as a deeply closeted self-hating trans woman, so my hygiene habits are not always up to sniff. as much as i hate to admit it, showers help. i can't tell you how many times i've sat at a godfeels chapter or video script and just felt fucking miserable, only to come back forty minutes later from a shower, full of creative energy. i despise self-help shit. just not a fan of the culture of positive attitude wellness check stuff because you can't self examine your way out of your class position. sometimes the problem is that you're broke. sometimes life fucking sucks and you just don't have the art in you, and that's okay. there's a common misconception that if something bad happens to you, at least you can make an art to get through it. but in my experience it's actually a lot harder to make art about bad times when you're still in them. most of the time it takes months if not years of safety and recovery before you can really face it head on artistically. so like, be nice to yourself. it's not your fault that you live in a society.

but also sometimes literally you just need a shower or to eat some leftovers or to go to fucking bed. i hate it every time that is true because i want my problems to be real and philosophical and not just some dumb body thing that happens to everyone. alas, no one can escape the quotidian obligations of simple mortality.

THAT SAID! this stuff isn't usually my problem, and often i find that what's solving the problem when i do step away to eat/drink/shower isn't even the specific activity, but the act of stepping away at all. getting my mind off it for a sec. when i hit a block that doesn't feel completely insurmountable, i like to back away from my computer and pace around a bit. then i'll stare at my big whiteboard with a marker in hand and just let my mind wander. i don't even write anything half the time! but the mere act of trying to compartmentalize the problem into something brief enough for shorthand helps me spot the pain points.

one of my favorite books is Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, which despite what you might assume from its title is NOT a self-help book but instead a work of philosophy from 1974 taking the form of a travelogue. what Robert Pirsig explores in this book is what he calls the Metaphysics of Quality. basically he's trying to understand the split-second judgments we make of things we like and things we don't. i absolutely do not have time to go into the specifics, just know that his Quality refers to the abstract certainty you have when something is Good or Right or Correct or Qualitatively True. like how you pull your hand away unconsciously when you touch a hot stove, but for ideas. you just Know.

a scene that really sticks with me from that book (probably the most famous scene) is when Pirsig describes needing to fix a mechanical problem with his motorcycle only to be stopped dead in his tracks by a stripped screw keeping him from removing the engine cover. he talks about being so focused on the obvious solution to the primary complex problem that, on encountering a smaller, simpler problem that has to be dealt with first, he finds himself completely stuck, calling this "a zero of consciousness." it's a problem so annoying and minuscule and stubbornly unsolvable that you just want to hit the thing with a wrench and throw it in a river. addressing this new problem, this block, requires an adjustment in thinking. and here i'm going to quote a pretty lengthy passage, but don't worry, i'm typing it out by hand with the book in front of me so there's no time saved on my end:

Consider, for a change, that this is a moment to be not feared but cultivated. If your mind is truly, profoundly stuck, then you may be much better off than when it was loaded with ideas. The solution to the problem often at first seems unimportant or undesirable, but the state of stuckness allows it, in time, to assume its true importance. It seemed small because your previous rigid evaluation which led to the stuckness made it small. But now consider the fact that no matter how hard you try to hang on to it, this stuckness is bound to disappear. Your mind will naturally and freely move toward a solution. Unless you are a real master at staying stuck you can't prevent this. The fear of stuckness is needless because the longer you stay stuck the more you see the Quality-reality that gets you unstuck every time. What's really been getting you stuck is the running from the stuckness [. . .] Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors. It's this understanding of Quality as revealed by stuckness which so often makes self-taught mechanics so superior to institute-trained men who have learned how to handle everything except a new situation. Normally screws are so cheap and small and simple you think of them as unimportant. But now, as your Quality awareness becomes stronger, you realize that this one, individual, particular screw is neither cheap nor small nor unimportant. Right now this screw is worth exactly the selling price of the whole motorcycle, because the motorcycle is actually valueless until you get the screw out. With this re-evaluation of the screw comes a willingness to expand your knowledge of it. [. . .] What your actual solution is is unimportant as long as it has Quality. Thoughts about the screw as combined rigidness and adhesiveness and about its special helical interlock might lead naturally to solutions of impaction and use of solvents. That is one kind of Quality track. Another track may be to go to the library and look through a catalog of mechanic's tools, in which you might come across a screw extractor that would do the job. Or to call a friend who knows something about mechanical work. Or just to drill the screw out, or just burn it out with a torch. Or you might just, as a result of your meditative attention to the screw, come up with some new way of extracting it that has never been thought of before that beats all the rest and is patentable and makes you a millionaire five years from now. There's no predicting what's on that Quality track. The solutions all are simple-- after you have arrived at them. But they're simple only when you know already what they are.

this is, in brief, my entire creative philosophy when it comes to writer's block. i share such a lengthy passage because i think it's useful to underline that we're not talking about a problem that is necessarily unique to the labor of writing. this process is a human process. it's just that with writing, the nature of the block itself is often much more difficult to identify than a stripped screw.

there's a couple things i do to try to identify what's got me stuck. a lot of times what happens is that everything in a scene felt good until it didn't, and then everything after that moment fell flat. so i'll go back and read the whole thing and just try to feel the scene. is everyone in character? is their dialogue too quippy, or too aggressive, too expository? are we in the midst of a conversation that has simply gone on way too fucking long? i know it can be torturous to reread your own stuff but idk what else to say except get used to it. especially when you're still early in the drafting phase! like if you know you're not gonna release this thing imminently, there's no reason to be precious about the stuff that's good or to beat yourself up over the stuff that's bad. i know that compulsion to try to Get Everything Right The First Time is strong, but it's completely unsustainable.

sometimes the block is that i just don't feel like writing narration. i've always sucked at grounding a scene with descriptions of the place. lately i'm trying to get away from relying solely on descriptions of staging/blocking, but it's hard for a bitch like me who mostly prefers writing dialogue. i've gotten a lot more comfortable with putting notes between dialogue exchanges like [character moves, looks at picture, has a dramatic thought, other character fiddles with object]. it can feel like cheating sometimes but it's not. there's no such thing. no one will know the route you took to get to the end. they will only see what you show them, when you decide to show it to them.

sometimes the block is in some minor or major betrayal of the story's spirit. the (Terezi) & Jade scene i talked about in this ask is a good example. i hit a point where nothing was working anymore. no one would talk to me. the light was gone. i can always tell when i made the wrong choice. it's such a particular sensation. as though i'm walking and i realize i no longer recognize the road i'm on and must've made a wrong turn somewhere. the solution to this particular block is introspection, retracing my steps, because the wrong turn isn't always obvious. maybe it's that someone in the scene is being too mean, or that i've failed to accomplish what the scene exists to do in some way, or that someone's made an uncharacteristic choice that now everyone in the scene is arguing about and it's like, man, this is taking too long, i'm not enjoying this anymore.

another example from A1 is the second half of the solo. i'd had most of the jasprose scene, the karkat-calliope-roxy scenes, and the vrisrezi-jade scenes written since i posted the A1 chorus. where i ran into trouble was that i needed to get jane, jake, and (terezi) to show up. my original plan was to have them arrive one by one, thus allowing their individual dramas a moment in the spotlight before being subsumed into the group. not a bad idea in theory but in practice it was fucking tedious. here we have a bunch of characters already immersed in the scene captured by the intrigue of Jade being enigmatic, and then some unawares jagoff wanders in and suddenly everyone has to stop what they're doing and be like "hey hello how are you what's up" and then they explain how they got there and then they ask what's up and it's such a DRAG. honestly i would say the majority of my creative blocks by volume are moments when the story really wants me to just cut to black for a smoke break and come back when somebody gets mad enough to throw a punch. i mean that's the the development of A1 in a nutshell. originally everyone was gonna start the track locked up in space-jail on the hopebringer, jade would show up all apologetic and say what she expects padua's deliberation to be, then the whole cast would see her throw a fit over a decision she knew was coming, they'd all be absolved of guilt and let free, then they'd all argue about who's staying or going with Jade in the morning, they'd split up to go pack their stuff and then...

well that was exactly the problem. i wanted to get all the pertinent things out of the way. jade's code switching, voidthought, some EWL teases. give the whole cast a chance to react to it. i thought that would be expedient, because it got the Plot out of the way and gave time to characters for Feelings. if that version of the scene had come at the end of chapter 8, it might have worked. but i realized that as soon as jade's audience was no longer captive, i had no fucking clue what to do with them anymore. we already knew who would go with jade, so acting like that's some kind of mystery is just lame. i started writing A1 from a place of desiring informational density & a quick pace, because we've got places to go and things to do. but if the real purpose of A1 is to explore why these characters choose to go with Jade, then that needed to be done with a lot more care and precision. that's when i decided to let Jade spend two days underground making the earth right again, so that she has to come to everyone individually rather than the other way around. and it muddies her motivations, if you don't mind the pun. it puts her at an appropriate remove from the others. i ultimately wound up conveying all the same information as in the original version, but i did it in a way that was more appropriate thematically and artistically. it wound up being longer road than i anticipated, but this is a long story and in this case the longer road was better for the journey.

take the chapter where Jade visits Roxy. i needed some time with Roxy alone to set the scene, since she's the first person Jade decides to visit and i like writing about the insides of trailer homes. i wanted to get some politics from Jane in this chapter, so hey, why not throw in a televised speech? oh, and then i can have some tucker carlson types remind us that Earth C is a fucking mess. i wrote all that, and it was good, but it was just Roxy watching tv. i tried to get into Jade's arrival and couldn't. so i went back and realized, oh, Roxy should be yelling at the tv the whole time! now we get Jane's politics, Roxy's reactions to those politics, as well as bits and pieces of context re: Jane's relationships with Karkat and Roxy. now when Jade arrives, we can play with the question of whether she heard the speech from outside Roxy's door, and why neither of them was physically at the speech in the first place. there's tension and imbalance in Roxy's state of mind when Jade does arrive, so we're more inside her perspective than we usually are, which in turn helps us identify with her when Jade starts infodumping about antimemes.

so often for me, working through a block is a matter of doing a better job utilizing what's available to you. going back to the A1 solo and trying to bring Jake, Jane, and (Terezi) into the scene. i finally returned to it after a couple months of being sick and dealing with life problems. i was frustrated because i'd hoped to be several tracks in to 3.2 by now, and instead i was confronted with just how much more of this thing is left and how long that might take if i couldn't pick up the pace. this thing NEEDED to get done.

and then i remembered that Jasprose is literally right there.

and that was it! problem fucking solved! i had jasprose drop all three of them into the scene completely unceremoniously using manic teleportation through a fenestrated plane, and from there the entire rest of the chapter erupted out of me in a single go. it's such an obvious solution to the problem that you as reader probably assumed it was the plan from the very beginning. but it's like Pirsig says: the solutions all are obvious-- after you've arrived at them.

then there's the problem of overwriting. i actually did i think four different versions of the opening to the A1 solo. the first person narration was a late addition. i tweaked that scene so so so many times. it kept feeling close but not quite. when i did the thing where i reread to find where the block happened, instead of actually reading the thing i just kept finding spots where i could write more. i can extend this anecdote. this line could be better. maybe a comma here would work better than an ellipsis...

this can be good because sometimes what's blocking you is that you skipped over something that needed more time. maybe some information or a dramatic emphasis that gives the stuff you can't yet write the momentum it needs to get going again. but i've gotta be real careful doing this, because i can do it forever. and then, as you describe (hey look, i'm actually talking about your specific problem now!), that hyper-polished section sets everything else up to fail by comparison.

i think the trick is knowing the difference between when a scene needs an editing pass vs when a scene just straight up isn't working. when it's not working, sometimes you do just have to throw it all out and start over. but if it's good enough that you feel like all it's missing is better dialogue and some more description, then you can hold off on that polish until the rest of the thing is done. this conundrum is most common at the beginning of a chapter or story in my experience, precisely as a result of the process i've been describing this whole time. when you hit a block and retrace your steps, you can always find things to fix. so it's sort of natural that any given chapter becomes less polished the further along you get in to it. that's why it's so important to understand the differences between all these different types of blocks, and to remind yourself that literally nothing you've written is finished until the moment you've made it public.

a big part of getting the A1 solo out the door was me swallowing my desire for perfection in every exchange and saying, no, this is good enough. it's not 100% what i want, but it's close enough that it just isn't worth the effort it would take to get there. sometimes there are scenes that are worth that effort, but they are always rarer than you think and they're never the ones you'd expect. i will freely admit that there are a lot of characters expositing their motivations in this chapter. i tried to embed as much of that in humor or drama as i could, but sometimes you just have to shrug your shoulders and walk away and hope your readers will be nice to you.

of course the funny thing is, once i finished the chapter and had all the panels sketched out and wiped my hands clean of the whole affair, janet needed two weeks to make the images. so i ended up having time to polish up a couple of those things that i felt were lacking after all. but those additions were radically small and intuitive, because i'd divorced myself from the raw production and had committed to so many directions that i *couldn't* change much. i'm so used to writing for release that i don't know what to do with myself when my part of the job is done before i can kick it out the door. i've come to find that waiting, taking breaks, walking away and coming back, do wonders for your ability to egolessly examine your work and identify what's wrong. sometimes you just need a day or two to sleep on it.

and sometimes you realize that you've really just over-written a scene, out of preciousness or insecurity or whatever else, and the result is so much bigger than everything else you want to do that it's more expedient to just scrap it. i hate when this happens, man. i did this with an early version of the A1 chorus, when Jade is stuck in space alone and shouting about how unfair her life has been. you know sometimes there's an emotion in a scene that's addictive. some bit of pathos that you just feel down to your bones, fuck me man, this is so GOOD, this is so JUICY, this shit has QUALITY. it's so good you don't want it to be finished. so you keep writing it, and writing it, and you rewrite it, and you add to it, because you really want to squeeze every drop of emotion you can from the thing. and then you wind up with a bloated melodramatic mess that's so overplayed you've annihilated everything that compelled you to write it in the first place.

i want to be clear that this isn't wasted work. nothing you ever put to the page, no matter how ultimately useless it might prove to be, is wasted work. the way i see this whole process, top to bottom, is that there's this thing. i don't know what it is, but it's there. maybe it starts with an image, or a line of dialogue, or a relationship, or a natural vista, whatever. it can be anything. what matters is it's a sign pointing you in a direction. it's something that has Quality that you can feel with such potent immediacy that you have no choice but to write it. the act of writing is something of an expedition, because the real magic of it comes when those disparate signs start colliding with one another. an image becomes a scene, a house, a world, a universe. sometimes these signs lead to dead ends, but with experience you learn to tell the dead ends from the rough patches. you learn how to make your own way. you do this by listening to what this thing is telling you. every story i've ever written has known better than me what it wants. i can impose so much onto it, i control 90% of the process at least. but that other 10% cannot, should not be quantified or controlled but simply understood. if you try to bottle the flame, you'll just end up snuffing it out.

no artist really knows why they do what they do or how they're able to pull it off. they can tell you their methods, their process, their coping mechanisms, they can write ludicrously lengthy diatribes on tumblr in response to an innocuous ask, but you can't pin down the soul of the thing. Quality is ephemeral, because it's first. it happens before you've had time to think, like putting your hand on a hot stove. you just know. and you have to trust that knowledge to carry you forward, not second guess it too much, not try to wrangle the thing into a shape it doesn't want to assume. sometimes this requires writing scenes that you don't love, because it's easier to build a messy bridge between the moments that drive you than it is to perfect every single moment out of an artificial commitment to like, Being A Good Writer or whatever.

a lot of this is just practice. you get better at communicating with your creative impulses. but also i think it helps to internalize that nobody sees the rough drafts, nobody sees the duct tape. and nobody knows the perfect vision you'll be convinced you failed to meet. nobody has ever made a perfect thing, and no one ever will. who wants to be perfect, anyway? godfeels wouldn't be what it is if i wasn't willing to let it be messy. if i'd tried to do it better, it never would have gotten done, and nothing i'm doing now would have even conceptually gotten to exist.

also, it's okay to abandon shit when it stops feeling good. i have so many unfinished books kicking around from my 20s, dude. i feel bad about some of them, but ten years not finishing books is still ten years spent writing. it's actually quite rare for good ideas to result in finished works, because good ideas are cheap and they're not all for you. but you gotta keep trying anyway because sooner or later you'll catch a spark that has real gas, and if you've done the work you'll be ready for it. it'll feel like destiny. it'll feel like magic, how matched that idea is to your skill level. but it won't be magic, it'll be skill. if you hadn't put the work in to know how to follow that intuition, it'd be just as dead an end as everything else you never finished. you do the work so that when you get lucky you can take advantage of it. so in that context, writing is quite low stakes. if it's not good enough, fuck it, try something else!

anyway i hope there's some decent insight buried in here somewhere. thanks for such a good question!

[waarmsalad]

Not really quick note: so ive never actually 'finished' any fics so i wasnt sure how to, this is also the first one ive posted on here, id love to have any tips even from people who dont really write, constructive critisism is always welcome. I think i stuck to the theme but im not sure lol. Ive edited most of it but some parts i only skimmed through after writing them so mistakes are probably present, anyways thanks for reading and i hope that this is enjoyable and not too goofy😭

(I love your work so much @mustainegf, thank you for the opportunity!<3)

Words: 2k

Warnings: my writing, fwb but no smut, mostly fluff, making out and a mention of smoking. I dont really think theres anything else

You noticed as you looked out the vehicle's window, intricate patters of frost decorating the glass. It was the middle of winter, and by the looks of it neither you or cliff would be trying to get anywhere else after you arrived at his place.

The changes in recent weather had been drastic. It had rained the night before, but now even the air was frozen forcing previous puddles to be formed into patches of slippery ice.

You two figured that after hitting up the grocery store, which had been before the heavy snowfall, you would hang out, watch a movie, share a smoke or get into some other suggestive activity.

You were quite content in that moment but the thought that you'd spent nights awake about itched at your mind again.

A while back Cliff had suggested to add a twist to your benevolence. "I was just thinkin' cause you're always complaining that you're not getting laid-" he  pauses to smirk. "And I'd also like to have a little fun now and then." He had previously explained that if uou were up to it, a freinds with benefits situation wouldnt be so bad.

Before you answered he made sure that you knew that he only wanted to if you were up for it, and that you could call it off at any point. "Its completely up to you, just think about it." He told you.

And you did. Of course you wanted it, or rather him, but you knew most of these sort of relationships excluded feelings. Cliff hadnt thrown in the rules yet so you asked him about them, clarifying that you were still only pondering the option.

Cliff said to you that he just wanted to discuss where boundaries lied, as well as any thoughts about the arrangement. He mentioned a few other things like being honest, which was important, but he never said anything regarding avoiding any romanticism. So you agreed.

There was this little sliver of hope deep in your heart hoping that maybe he didnt forbid those kind of feelings because he reciprocated them. However you countered with yourself that he would have just asked you out if he did, since he wasnt one to play with a person's emotions.

You opened your mouth to bring up the topic in the car, but stopped yourself. The different ways you believed he would respond forced you to change your mind.

You noticed after the first few weeks of the arrangement that cliff had been acting a little bit different. A change like that had been expected in some way by you, but he just wasn't the same. And though you knew that you should talk to him about it, the tension was currently a little weighted. You didnt feel like adding to it by asking anything that you deemed momentarily 'unnecessary.'

After a couple of minutes he pulled into the driveway, parking the car on the frozen cement with caution. The heater had previously been blasting hot air into the cab of Cliff's car. That being so, once  you opened the door and stepped into the fresh air, a harsh chill immediately encased your entire body.

Cliff quickly grabbed some of the grocery bags from the back, giving you a head start getting to the front door. Once you were inside, cliff swung the door shut, placing the bags down before beginning to shed his basic winter layers.

While you took off your own jacket, he decided to tease you, he grabbed your sides, icy fingers clawing at your covered flesh. His actions caused you to shriek. He snickered at your reaction, which drew out a scoff from your lips. "Meanie" you commented quietly. Cliff only chuckled and shook his head, smiling.

Once the two of you discarded all of your snow-packed apparel, he informed you that he was gonna grab a shit ton of blankets and haul them into the living room after he put the groceries away. "We can do whatever afterward, I just wanna get you warmed up." He winked, nudging you before dissapearing into the hallway.

You smiled, even without any cozy blankets you could feel a little bit of warmth in your heart already.  Although he was only a freind, he took care of you, which you could do by yourself easily but you needed to feel loved, as your life had been all sorts of messed up.

Suddenly remembering that he was nothing more than that; a freind, you started spiraling again. You knew you needed to finally talk to him about his difference in mood toward you, except you were intimidated by all of the possible outcomes.

As soon as you started to feel a farmiliar burn in your face from holding your tears from the confusion and longing, he staggered into the living room before you. A massive pile of blankets and quilts were stacked high in his arms. He struggled to avoid dropping any, but some dispersed onto the hardwood floor.

Luckily that made you smile before you could cry. You tried to stiffle a giggle, however failing miserably. Once he stubbed his toe on the coffee table next to the couch, you knew that was the breaking point. You bursted out laughing while he hissed in pain.

Cliff pouted, dropping all the fabric onto the loveseat. He turned around and huffed. "You're kind of mean yourself there, sweetheart." He claimed, chuckling. You only beamed at him, posing as innocent.

Feeling quite generous afterwards, you assisted in gathering the blankets and stacking them on the  couch neatly. During your time spent on making the couch look nice, your mind nagged at you once again to ask him, but you ignored your own persistence.

Cliff soon heads to the kitchen to grab the snacks and junk you had picked out for the movie, insisting that you pick what to watch while he left you in the den.

Once you finished, you sat down in front of the coffee table and looked under the tv, finding his vhs tape collection. After you sifted through the different movies for a bit, Cliff brought in a large bowl of popcorn and another small bowl of candy, a couple of drinks inside since his hands were mostly full.

"So what did you pick?" He wondered out loud. You grinned and held up the shining. He groans, placing down the bowls. "How many times have we watched that in this room alone??" He teased you.

"I just really love it, theres Shelley Duvall too" you quipped back, ignoring his faux annoyance. "And to be fair, you almost begged me to pick the movie." Cliff nodded, snickering softly. You slid the tape into the vhs player, sitting back onto the couch as soon as the beginning ads start playing.

You were sitting a little ways away from cliff on the couch. He noticed and pulled you toward him, now sitting sideways. Your legs rested over the arm of the loveseat as you flipped some of the blankets onto yourself.

About half an hour into the movie you could feel a new tension build. It had started modestly, but soon it seemed to be intolerable. You turned your neck a little ways to look at cliff, whose eyes were glued onto the screen. Regardless, you could sense that he wss struggling to pay attention to the film.

You looked back, and were on the verge of speaking up when cliff opened his mouth. "I think we should call it off." He said. He couldnt see the the sudden shock that took over your face because he was still staring straight at the TV. There was no real emotion present in his voice when he told you that, which threw you off.

You knew that he was talking about the arramgement  but you wanted to be clear. Shifting in your spot, you asked him, your tone almost more bewildered than you were. "What do you mean call it off?"

"I mean I cant do this anymore." He claimed, finally looking toward you. He winced at your slight scowl. "Thats not a reason Cliff, you said that we had to be honest." He groaned at your reminder and huffed, putting a hand over his face.

He mumbled something, but you couldnt hear him cause he spoke so quietly. "What?" You asked. This time he spoke louder. "I didnt mean for it to happen!" He stated, which confused you.

"For what to happen?" you were confused, the movie continued to play in the background as you scoffed at him again.

He sighed "Im sorry" he said quietly. "What happened Cliff?" You huffed, getting a little tired of going back and a little concerned. "What did you do?"

"I love you." He says bluntly, he was unable to look you in the eye as he scrunched his face and stood up.

You sat on the couch, no words could explain how many emotions were trying to unscramble themselves in your brain, but the gears started turning so you tried. "Cliff I-" you sputtered. "Why were you apologising before?"

He raised an eyebrow and dropped his hands to his side, your sudden calmness unnerved him. "I thought that it was a basic kind of 'rule' in these kinds of...relationships" He raised an eyebrow.

"Well you never mentioned it." You told him. He thought back to when he suggested it and nodded. "I guess I didnt but I thought that you'd-" he began ro ramble again before you cut him off.

"I love you too, cliff." God, was that a great way to shut him up at first his expression was flat. Eventually he just stood and smiled like a little kid. He did nothing until you rolled your eyes and patted the couch. "Just come here, you dumbass," you chuckled and shook your head. He obliged, pulling you even closer once he sat down.

For a moment you two just looked at eachother admiringly. You had thought Cliff was at an absolute loss of words but he proved you wrong. "Can I kiss you?" He wondered out loud. You smiled and reached your hands to hold both sides of his face, bringing him forward and allowing him to reach your lips in a soft kiss.

You had kissed Cliff before, but this time it felt different. It didnt feel rushed or cloddish. It was sensual, and a little strange. You felt as if every weight had been lifted off of your shoulders. Butterflies started stirring in your stomach, which  made you feel giggly and lovesick.

Slowly, the kisses moved on to small touches, and though it had almost been a routine as well, this too felt different for you and cliff. It felt strange, but amazing both at once.

You broke away and tucked your head into the crook if his neck, littering small kisses and nips on his skin. Cliff groaned and made little sounds every once in a while, he smiled widely, basking in the moment.

Your tounge darted out and you licked over where you had nipped, smoothing over some of the purple marks you had sucked as well.

You kissed back up his jawline to his face, planting a singular kiss on his cheek before pulling away to gaze at him again. His eyes flutter open, his grin staying as it was as he sinks into the back cushions.

He holds you by the small of your back with both hands as you straddle him. Leaning forward, you hug him. "Can we just stay like this?" You asked, feeling no urgency for anything at the moment. Cliff agreed, smiling and kissing your cheek before rubbing your back, the light pressure making you sigh happily.

He held you close. It felt good, to finally be like that with him. The tension was long dissipated and he made it clear that he was only acting strange as to not scare you away with his confession.

The only occurence that disturbed your peaceful atmosphere being a playful popcorn fight, which started because of a small tiff about the movie neither of you remembered by the time it was over.

AGHHHHH idk how anybody writes anything so fast ive been working and procrastinating on working on this for probably four or five days😭

I really hope this was okay, thank youu<3

[theygotbitchesinmedia]

ask dump

i have a couple dozen unanswered asks on this blog, most of which i believe are media recommendations, so i'm going to go through those now in a batch!

if you haven't seen it already We Are Lady Parts would be a fantastic recommendation for this blog. I started it last week and really love it. It's about a struggling punk Muslim girls band who recruit the extremely anxious, goody-two-shoes Amina to be their lead guitarist. It balance its moments of drama really well with the comedy and all of the women in the band get to be deeply weird in different and endlessly charming ways. My favorite is Amina because of her very relatable habit to have elaborate silly daydreams about anything and everything. Good show with some really good women!

I've heard good things about this one! Adding it to the list

I can't remember if you take recs for things in progress or not but the webtoon Katlaya Rising is currently the high point of my week, the art style POPS and it is jam-packed with girls and girls who love girls

I will always read things in progress 👍 I honestly in some ways prefer getting into stuff before it's finished. Like an animal with one of those food bowls that stops you from eating too fast. Added to the list.

Please read Villain Initialization!!!! The female characters are really good!!!!!!!!!

Looking at the cover and description for this one it seems like most of the female cast is gonna be side characters. i'll add it to the list but itll probably be reallllly back burner unless someone wants to go to bat hard for it and sway me

if youre taking recommendations bittersweet con panna is a cute yuri manhwa and hacks is an insane tvshow about millenial comedy writer who got cancelled on twitter and a beautiful old standup comic about to lose her vegas residency.

added both! never heard of bittersweet con panna but my sister has been going really hard for hacks and i feel like i owe it to her to watch that sooner rather than later because of all the media im always trying to force onto her

"Kevin Can F*** Himself" on AMC is fantastic and has some really interesting female protags, I recommend. Might be a similar vibe to On Becoming a God in Central Florida actually!

Already on the list!

i'd like to second the rec for no home, probably one of the greatest webtoons of all time

one moth ago anon i can safely say you were correct about this it is certainly one of the greatest webtoons of all time. i do think its not really About women but i get why you all wanted me to read it enough to push it

@whatasmoothgardener Reccing a short manga I've been reading recently called Is Kichijoji the Only Place to Live. Its a manga about twin girls who run a small real estate company in Tokyo from the POV of their clients. It has a unique art style, its female character focused, and it teaches you about the different places in Tokyo. However its kinda episodic.

I don't mind episodic at all. Cool to see female manga protags who arent stick thin! added to the list

@phoenixfangs i got into a webtoon the other day called nevermore and considered recommending it to u, but i second guessed myself like oh what if its not worth recommending and its stupid actually, BUT i had a dream last night that u were talking about it so i think i have to at least put it on ur radar, if it isnt already xD what happens if u take edgar allen poe stories and make it about lesbians? u get the webtoon nevermore ❤️ theres an actual Plot to it too im not trying to sell it based on tropes, i just cant describe it better than the actual synopsis/description on webtoon, so id say its worth a glance!

At first glance i'm not sure how to my personal tastes this owuld be but i feel like i have maybe been unfairly biased against popular webtoons in that front. added to the list !

@counttwinkula listen i know your "media to get around to" list is forever long but i reread the haunting of hill house (the book) for my podcast and eleanor and theodora just. won't stop touching each other. some of the most classic toxic yuri imo. also the 1963 film adaptation (the haunting) is so good

ill always appreciate a horror recommendation from one of my learned Horror Mutuals. added both!

if it changes anything, you can find the main stories of arknights and limbus company here and here respectively without downloading the game: [retcons dot github dot io slash limbus-storylogs] [akgcc dot github dot io slashcc slash story dot html hashtag main] (sorry it wont let me send links) i totally understand if u think its too much trouble, but i do think both games have very good female characters

I'm sorry... i just cant go down this road.... it's a path i'm not willing ot walk. if i was going to read the stories for a gacha game i wasn't playing i would just go read shoujo kageki revue starlight re:LIVE. which i havent been able to make myself do. so its just not gonna end up happening

have you heard of tangle tower… it’s a relatively short murder mystery click and point game about two families & their secrets. the art is gorgeous + the game is fully voiced, and the protagonist + his assistant have a dynamic that reminds me of the classic ace attorney ‘lawyer + weird girl’ duos. the majority of the cast are women, and the game features some of the Girls Of All Time. highly recommend, esp since you’re an ace attorney fan

Added to the list!

if you’re trying to flesh out the book section, i’d like to recommend three parts dead by max gladstone! admittedly it’s been a hot second since I’ve read it so i can’t speak on the quality of the writing itself, but the plot and the worldbuilding had some interesting stuff. the novel follows tara, a necromancer in a world where doing magic is more akin to being a lawyer, who’s hired to resurrect a god. the book is the first in a series, and the books that follow have some other interesting female protagonists + canonical queer women if you enjoy it o7

Sounds neat! Added to the list

ok i still have some more from back in fucking April that i didnt manage to get to. but im getting distracted now

[spearxwind]

Hi hello I wanna talk a bit about CD currently but Im not sure if its gonna be too long/negative so I'm gonna put my thoughts under a lid <3

So like. To start off it's really not a secret that I have a lot of trouble when it comes to crafting stories. This has been the case for many years, and will continue to be the case probably forever.

Challenger Deep felt like an exception to this at first, but since starting development on it my life took some turns that made it clear that CD suffers from the same and from different problems

To start with... I started using it as a vehicle for my grief at the start. Talas (especially) and Graves were both used as vehicles for my grief while I was going through stuff the past couple of years, and that inevitably bled through into The Everything.

It's not a bad thing to do this at all mind you (It helped me immensely) but it gave CD a strange foundation for me to build on that now I feel like I am at a major disconnect with, so I would like to build some more foundation around it, so to speak.

I would like to recraft the story (not rewrite it entirely because theres things i rly love, but theres others that I'd like to improve), and a lot of the lore (I feel like I closed my options a bit too much with some of it so I want to make it more expansive too. Part of why I wrote it the way it was was so I could invite friends to make stuff for CD but that did not go over well at all so I think I am going to not do that again). I just havent had the time to work on it properly, and since it's in this state where I feel like I need to "fix" it, I don't feel as passionate about it as last year so at the moment I'm letting it ride and waiting for when I'm excited to work on it again

I would like to add more characters as well and actually do justice writing-wise to the characters that are already in there too.

Also I won't lie, a big part of my investment in CD until recently was my oc ship, with Talas and Hades, and ever since I got into my current relationship I just havent thought much about them at all because I started pretty much actually living all of the shitposts and tropes I'd written and it started making me feel a bit strange to write/draw about that, so I need to fix that as well. See why I feel weird about it and what I can do to stop it and get back to those two

Additionally I've had a redesign of talas and hades' markings in my WIPs for months now. Hades is done, but on Talas' side Im not sure how to add in his bioluminescence pattern because something isnt working for me. I wanted him to be more visibly purble though with said markings. Everything else I really like, its just the glowy pattern (though watch me change the markings anyways bc im an indecesive beast)

Here's a snippet of them:

I wanted them both to have more natural fishy looking markings pretty much

So yeah, that's currently the state of things. I miss it a lot and i rly wanna work on it again proper, maybe now that I've acknowlegded it and made a post about it I will get a second wind like I've gotten before after getting The Gunk out of my chest.

If you read all that thank you I hope you have a swag day <3

[tojisun]

sunny this is v random but life's been so boring recently I need to get another piercing or I'm gonna cut my hair impulsively and then regret it😐

if you feel comfortable sharing, how many piercings (if any) have you got? also what's your favourite book or movie or song or OOH your favourite album? apologies like I said I am bored and will do anything to procrastinate work [only answer if you want to🫶🏽]

im so sorry for just seeing this rn my love :((

not the impulsive hair cut 😭😭 i did that once and my bangs were shwkejke they were just half an inch long or smth it was so funny and humiliating hhrhheh

and omg of course im glad to answer these! sorry i rambled (AGAIN) so pls do forgive me heheh 😖

umm i dont have much piercings tbh! just a couple of lobe ones :’>

my favourite book continues to be tsoa! i just really love it sm. theres an argument to be made about the characters of course but the writing and the lore, itself actually, is just so beautiful. like the setup to the anguish and tragedy was exhilarating that the moment you get to their deaths, it just shatters you too. i cant stop rereading it that my book is annotated to hell now LMAO and the pages are so worn down

my favourite movie is atwow! it used to be cloudy w a chance of meatball LOL but god atwow took my breath away. the aesthetics are so so beautiful and the concept may not be as original (adapting to alien territory, being accepted by their people) but the attention to details make it such a vivid world. like the language, the songs, the culture!! and just such vast fauna and flora?? im in looove (…and jake is just fine as hell)

my favourite song is so tricky bc like how can i ever choose??? that said, i did LMAO but um rn my favourite song (the one i keep coming back to when my mind’s just so overwhelmed and i need to drown out my thoughts) is hypnosis by sleep token! the instrumentals are so reverberating that it snaps me out of my funk

fave album is meliora by the band ghost. theres not a single song that i skip, but also theres just heavy bass in this one so im actually addicted <33

HOW ABOUT YOU!! please id love to hear (read?) ur replies too :(( i wanna get to know u more teehee

oki oki das it! love u vi and take care <33

[asherlockstudy]

Hey! Im a recent anon and I wanted to react to what youve been discussing with the anon who agrees with you. Personally, Ive had phases about what I believe about Rhett and Link and the nature of their relationship. I have found the idea of these two attractive, weird, charismatic, creative men being into each other quite appealing, but I dont think Ive ever truly believed it without the help of fan speculation and overinterpretation of giffed moments. Especially after the reveal about their religious background… Without the fan content to feed the nice fantasy, I go back to the presented reality of their unique, brotherly friendship. You believe something that is extreme, even within a tumblr fandom that fixates on the idea of them as a couple. You do you, I dont even have to tell you that! What I find frustrating, just for me, is that I can’t easily refute your view. But I really do believe, without much doubt, that theres nothing between them, like they’ve repeatedly said, and, moreover, that theyre just not physically attracted to each other, despite the moments that may be interpreted as flirting (or… as mind-in-the-gutter banter, you know!). The one thing that I could concede is that, if there is any kind of sexual tension between them, it’s mostly subconscious or repressed, and they don’t want to explore that and only feel comfortable with their current, deep, but platonic friendship. I think that your interpretations, the ‘signs’ you notice in their videos, while beautifully packed with meaning, are not necessarily there. But once again, I can’t really prove it to you, and I find that frustrating. It’s about what feels like a plausible conclusion, an ‘inference to the best explanation’ as philosophers would say. My current opinion is a conventional one, but certainly not within the tumblr fandom, which is full of people that seem to at least believe that there’s something there even if not acted upon. I just think that their interactions could be what they say they are: two lifelong straight male friends connecting, having fun, learning about each other and the world, performing for an audience, often winding each other up, showing us their strange humor, their fascination with awkwardness and love of silly innuendos. And here we are, chronically misinterpreting it to maintain our delightful fantasy, a fantasy shared by many other fandoms built around two apparently straight men that have good chemistry, by the way. This is what I think is happening, and Im not going to judge, because as I said, the fantasy is really nice. As for the overarching themes and methaphors you have identified in their scripted content… I think alternative interpretations are definitely possible. The digging a hole video, for example, might be about collaborative endeavors in general, about the dramatic structure that is still exciting without normal dramatic content, about the joy of absurdist concepts and doing things just to do them, together… not the specific situation you imagined about them wanting to come out of the closet eventually, and navigating their relationship. I have to say, I was impressed and entertained by your interpretation of their puzzle video. I also think that there’s a lot of basic ‘if our characters did this somewhat suggestive or odd thing this would be funny’ reasons behind their scripted content… and not necessarily the cohesive story about viagra that you believe has happened to them. I think that sadly, they might be more boring or random than what you give them credit for, as far as cleverly hidden messages go. But yeah, I dont know how we could definitely know who’s right about this... If they never come out as you suspect they are planning to, if they stand by their no-homo claims, would you give up on your theory, or do you think there’s a chance that, in your worldview, they might never ‘fully come clean’, rendering both our theories basically impossible to prove or disprove? What do you expect from the TV show they’re going to release, for example (sorry if you already shared that before)?

Hello, thank you for analysing your different perspective in a polite way. I have been having a lot in my mind these days and I delayed answering. I was about to explain why I support some things regarding the videos and the puzzle video but somehow in this crazy world I didn’t answer before the brolinoscopy episode and I feel like R&L answered for me before me in this video!

After 9 years, Rhett brought up the reference by saying “you can even find missing puzzle pieces inside rectums”. It’s not even the first time they suddenly bring up the puzzle video after a silence nearly a decade long. Link as Sandy had a small puzzle tattoo in the Brown Diamond too. But today’s insinuation was so much more straightforward. As you understand, after this development, I am once more convinced I cannot find a more suitable explanation than the one I had in the puzzle post (the viagra thing might be a stretch or made up story by them but I stand by all the main and crucial points I made there). And that reference is generally nothing compared to all the things Rhett (also Link) said (supposedly I guess, but wild if true) incoherently in the brolinoscopy.

However, I do not intend to make an analysis here, neither do I plan to try to convince you, I am kinda over that in general and I don’t want to push something down the throats of people who find it unlikely or uncomfortable. I have figured out some people consider me extreme and… it doesn’t resonate well with me. If I am proven correct, will I have been extreme then all this time? Of course I will definitely keep doing my own thing in my original posts but I don’t want to try to change anyone’s mind anymore. Therefore I am curious - you said it is frustrating that you can’t refute me. Is this about me (I don’t think I matter, I am just an anonymous randomer blabbing potential nonsense) or is it about the possibility of Rhett and Link truly being more than friends? Or is it just because you are so convinced you are right that it would be frustrating to be proven wrong? I would understand that last sentiment (I am often the same way), less so if it’s a case of any of the former two scenarios though.

The only thing I want to stress again is that for me all my ships have started as an observation and then some became a pleasant fantasy. I have never liked a ship because I liked the idea of it first and then tried to force it into my reasoning and conclusions. It has always been the opposite with me - I see cues I consider very clearly there and then I decide whether I like that ship or not. Which is why I never liked fanon ships. Save for the Sherlock fiasco, I have a record of 100% canon ships and 0% fanon or slash. In fact, I almost have a personal aversion to them, idk why. As for Sherlock, the entire fanbase was essentially proven wrong and it wasn’t that we were all wrong but that apparently something happened and bombed this show and they wrapped up one season earlier than intended with enstranged actors . Still, many many fans were sure there was no case the show could end like it did and waited for another season. Not me. I realised the plot and show was bombed for good and I was done with it very quickly. I was proven right. I am saying all this only to explain that this “aw it’s a nice fantasy I am having so now I am misinterpreting gifs” is not representing me accurately. I was perfectly happy with Rhett and Link as platonic friends and I would be very happy with this image in my mind forever. I value deep friendship and, you know, being loyal to your spouse extremely. It’s just that it’s been quite a few years this is not the image I am getting from them at all. Of course I could be wrong but even if I am, it’s not because I try to make my fantasies reality out of nowhere.

I agree many people misinterpret gifs. There are gifs and gifs though. And some leave very little room for misinterpretation.

Regarding your question, I do doubt from time to time that they will get on with it. But then shit like today’s happens. There is always the chance that they will get scared for good before the end. But since November-December, I think something has shifted inside Rhett and he has made his decisions. But who knows. I definitely think there is a possibility they never come out, not even in the show they prepare, and keep hiding forever but I consider it a very very very small possibility. I could also eventually give up on my theory but for this to happen, there’s a shitload of undoing they would have to do first!

[giuliano-fan-account]

Hxh ch 396-397 review

WHY DID EVERYBODY FLOCK TO MY CHAPTER 395 REVIEW FOUNDING PART ONE OK??????

Anyways yeah I didnt do reviews for the past couple of weeks because Things happened and I got busy and it got me out of my groove so.

I have been reading of course because who am I .

I’ll do an overview of the rest of the flashbacks because those Messed Me Up actually and I have art and things to say about it.

Spoilers, obviously . (Warning for Child Abduction and death)

Chapter 396: Founding part 2

Sadly I dont have viz screenshots because of it only being the recent 3 lol so I’ll be using an unofficial translation

There he is again with some weird Popcorn Cauliflower lookin things and ooh nooo

Hi Uvogin!

Also hi Phinks with the walnut hair. At this point I’ve adjusted to how wonky it looks though but

SARASA *50 crying emojis*

I actually love Sarasa a lot. She’s adorable and confident and fearless... I really hope nothing BAD HAPPENS TO THIS CHARACTER. auughgggggg

I also really like Sheila. Even though they didn’t end up being actual phantom troupe members Sarasa and Sheila matter to me and I really want to know what Togashi has in mind by bringing her back into the plot. But aside from that we also get another moment of exposition for Pakunoda and Chrollos relationship. Im Not Crying Youare.

I love to think that while a lot of other people call him ‘Little bro’, Pakunoda is the closest to being his actual “big sister”  

Power cleaners moment. I actually slipped up and call them Power Rangers sometimes or like for example “Ranger red” instead of Clean up red. Whats funny is that I didn’t even watch power rangers as a kid this is just how it is

Look at all those sillies

I really really want to know what this sounded like because Im not gonna say that it’s really bad just because they’re kids, but I think it would be very funny if they were sugar coating it not even on purpose because of how young and silly they are.

Chrollo is actually 11 you learn in 397 so I’m guessing that would mean Paku is 10, Sarasa is like 8-9 or something since she’s the youngest, and Sheila is somewhere inbetween them all.

I love how out of context he sounds like a victorian child whos about to make an important announcement.

“Father, may I have the mic?” I never thought I would hear those words but knowing that it comes from baby Chrollo makes it all make sense.

Also look theres Nobunaga!! Wow!! He’s finally in his own flashback!

I like the composition of this panel because This chapter is supposed to be a highlight on Uvos progression and his relationship with Chrollo and the fact that Chrollo is straight ahead of him really drives that home.

IM CRYING THIS PANEL

To be honest you gotta love this because you really just see how sincere he is in just wanting to make all the other kids happy here, and they are ecstatic

With Chrollo doing all the same lines though just imagine theres this kid and he just has crazy vocal range for no reason and hes talking to himself in 7 different voices

omfg is he Jerma985. .

.....

..i mean  i did make this one thing

Anyways

HOLY CRAP JEDSURS

I bet he put his entire freakin heart into that line like no holding back

I love how everybodys like stunned and then theres just Nobu who is there

HELLO??????????? JFC

ALSO IS THIS A SAIKI K REFERENCE BECAUSE I WOULD NOT BE SURPRISED IF TOGASHI JUST SLIPPED THAT IN THERE... (In some volume extras I think of vol 35 he put references in random panels and replaced the text and there was a saiki k reference in one. Fun fact)

Scrungly Sarasa and Sheila only ever

I also really like the composition of these panels.. Its also very centric on Uvo and Chrollo which I appreciate. Also I can see it being animated a lot for no reason like its so easy to imagine with this format.

When the Sarasa are Scurngly and adorble

Im just gonna put this whole page here and then talk abt it I love it so so so so so omuch and tears are definitely not in my eyes right now because of it.

So first of all, I read this translation first, and I think the lines they put here are better than what they put in the VIZ one. I don’t remember what they were, but the top panels lines here are just so raw and “That was me dubbing you!” Flows well. Sometimes unofficial translations can be wonky, but they did great on this page.

I love Love Love the way this page was drawn too. The way that Uvo and Chrollo just look shocked and are shown side by side is great, and I love the focus and detail on Sarasa and also even though it’s a still picture, her hair has so much motion and i i i i

Everybody’s reactions are nice too. I’m just thinking. No wonder Togashi had to take all that time off especially for these chapters. Drawing this many people is not easy at all...

IM M MLITERALLY CRYIGN HH hh  G HHhhhhh UE h fhf hh n SNIFF

I like Uvo and Machi’s dynamic lol. They seemed to already be friends which is just really funny since she’s just this tiny little child and then Uvo is like. Already like 6 foot 2 or something idk. (He grows to be 8′5.)

This is so funny because when you think of the Phantom Troupe you think of incredibly twisted people, but no, their original original name came from them trying to make a company name for their little dubbing thing.

Im Crying again haha. I mean I guess in the end he did become a villain, so wish fulfilled!

This line is so relevant to so many things involving Uvogin, even having to do with his character in the yorknew arc

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO ONO NO ON NO NON ONON ONO OOOHHH NOOOO SARASA. COMMUNICATION IS KEY SARASA. JUST TELL THEM THAT THERE WAS A BUNCH OF TAPES THERE. SARASA. SARASA NO STOP RUNNING COME BACK

NO!!!!!!!!!! YOU CANT DO THAT

Chapter 397: Founding Part 3

at least this time I can take fro m the viz official translation.. Ha ha

Are you ready guys? This is going to be a wild ride! (Warning for Child Abduction and death especially here)

So they finally notice that Sarasa’s not here and there Might be Something wrong! WHY DID I HAVE TO BE RIGHT ABOUT THIS IN MY CHAPTER 395 REVIEW.

This is Depressing but I love the attention to detail with how he’s gripping his shorts. I just wanted to point that out

Oh and haha he’s blaming himself for something only somewhat inside his control as a young child... Hmm.. That sounds familiar...

Dont you love when you start having a little more hope for something again...

Oh haha look at them on the bike Oh look everybodys doing their own part in the search!!!......

Oh god....

....And then everything just plummets....

Seriously when I read this part I felt my heart drop. SO much so that I made a whole redraw of it for chapter 357!

I love Hunter x Hunter.

THIS WAS THE TREE. THE TREE. TOGASHI WHY. I TRUSTED YOU WITH THE TREE. WHYYYYYY

mmm I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this

Currently completely Fine right now actually ignore everything I just said.

NEVERMIND. IM NOT SHOWING THE PANELS WHERE IT HAS WHATS IN THE BAG FOR OBVIOUS REASONS BUT LIKE. THERE WAS A NOTE. ON HER AND IT HAD A FREAKING SMILEY FACE ON IT

A SMILE FACE....

My exact reaction

GEEEZZZ!!!!!

GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IM NOT OK WITH THIS AT ALL OK OH MY GOD NEXT PAGE NOW PLEASE NEXT

Thank You.

I feel like the flowers on her head would be little orange roses.. Because well for one, the orange cleaner, and also orange roses are a symbol for Joy I think and that’s perfect for her

Im so glad that Togashi decided to make this little scene because I wouldn’t be able to handle what just happened before without this closure and Im pretty sure that was done on purpose because That was like one of the most horrific scenes in Hunter x Hunter in my opinion.

You could feel how everybody was panicking and the grief and anguish and it was just aaahhhhhhggghghhgh.......

Anyways. Onto another thing that is helping me process all of this lol

NEN!!

LITTLE MACHI AND NEN!! EVEN BETTER!

This is another line that I liked better in the unofficial translation

JUST. JUST. “Those pretty eyes of yours make my skin crawl.” ESPECIALLY IN THE CONTEXT OF MACHI IS SUCH A COOL LINE!!! anyways :)

I like nen so This is also very relieving. We are getting lore....

THIS GUYS LIKE 11 AND HES ALREADY DOING STUFF TO FIX METEOR CITY. SO IS CHROLLO THE REASON WHY METEOR CITY HAS TO DO WITH THE MAFIA???? PROBABLY.

Add Predicts the technological revolution to baby Chrollo’s achievement list. This kid Hunter x Hunter children are insane for a fact

He would do great in my English 10 Honors class with all that evidence and reasoning there

hey guys its Shalnark here  and today I’m going to explain chrollos Nefarious plot  

Hes so happy that he didnt have to do 3 paragraphs of more explaining! ..also

Jus dont even ask why I made this but I sure did I also made a video but idk how to put videos on tumblr other than have them be at the top which is not what I want so you just get this

I kind of wish we got more of younger Shalnark because we got focus on Paku and Uvo who are both... decreased  and you know...  

oh god I just realized

All the phantom troupe characters that are commonly nicknamed are Dead. Quick everybody stop saying Nobu for Nobunaga

Anyways

At least he gets a little bit of a moment here

I feel so bad for Sheila little sheila talk here

Like man her best friend just got Murdered and she can not do this. I bet part of her does not want to be involved with the troupe anymore because they have the most to do with her death, and maybe she even counts them responsible for them not caring, and with that she probably blames herself too.

I really want to see her again she is such a character and there’s no way that Togashi’s just gonna bring her back here and not have her be plot relevant. Was she for or against the kurta massacre!??!?!?!? wha????

Top ten ways to become a mass murderer

lets play a game. Is this a quote from Kurapika or Chrollo?

Look at all these parallels and foreshadowing... Putting that in perspective, that means that Chrollo became the very person he sought to destroy as a child, and I wonder if he realizes that, especially now in his current mental and emotional condition. But at the same time, he may have been expecting that. He should know that the Troupe has all the right to be persecuted with the amount of carnage that they’ve caused.

THIS OUT OF CONTEXT.

I think the whole thing with the Villain and this panel is a callback to Uvo’s line about being the worlds greatest villain, and maybe Chrollo was thinking that he would fit as leader because of that but...

Get pranked! Also notice how Paku is also gripping the end of her dress. Since I’m an empath, I can tell that Paku is having mixed feelings and is nervous about this /s

In 3 years he shed his old pair of eyes and then regrew Strange Eyes. Hold on.

This is extremely important and like one of the best things Ive ever made.

He has Strange Eyes HE GOT HIS STRANGE EYES LETS GOOOOOO

I decided I wanted to do math So their reunion happens around 7 years before the Kurta massacre, and that’s when Chrollo is 21.. so 10 years after sarasa’s death is when the Kurta massacre takes place.

Ok were finally to the end of this fun fun fun Chapter! I have 2 questions.

1. Where is Phinks?

2. Shalnark What has he the Hair and Outfit? What? Ok well technically he’s in style since this is like the mid-late 80′s then but he looks a little bit like a Flamboyant Pop star from that era and then everybody else is just regular for their character. Then there’s just Shalnark with his fluffy mullet and the oversized suit and the collar

And also if that was his style when and why did he change? We could have had a totally different Shalnark tbh but I’m happy with the one we have.

Anyways

Hope you enjoyed this absolute behemoth  of a post and I may do another one with the next two chapters some time

In the meantime, who knows, just keep doing what you do & make sure you drink enough water so that your pee looks like light pineapple juice or lemonade (that means youre healthy)

[snufflepup]

Personally, I love stuff like chainsaw man, bungou stray dogs, the case study of vanitas, and the umbrella academy! I love things with pretty boys (probably why I like your blog~) I've seen heartstopper and tons of kill counts for horror movies though I've only seen a small handful of them, despite loving the horror genre to death. Idk what my biggest hyperfixation rn is, apart from nightcrawler from x-men apocalypse and max Dennison from the first hocus pocus movie. I've been so obsessed with him, I mean he's the cutest, second only to you, puppy~<3 I've also seen the end of the fucking world, which is just awesome and super cool! Though I wish there was more :P. I've had a huge interest in this show called total drama since I was 7 (17 now) and it was a roller coaster trying to remember that from my childhood. Though I saw why I loved it so much back then lol. It's basically like a cartoon version of survivor and it's just really cool! I recently watched a fan made series on YouTube by odd Nation cartoons, called disventure camp, and it's pretty neat. It has tons of cannon lgbtq characters, which I absolutely adore in shows. There's this one gay trans guy that literally looks like me and he's just ahhh! I love the things I watch a lot, perchance too much lol. No one irl ever wants to talk with me about this kind of stuff :<

-Ike<3

I've heard of those before ! I've watched a little bit of some of them, as well !! I keep meaning continue watching them, but I haven't yet. Are those your favourite animes ? If nkt, what are ? ^–^ I've also seen the first two seasons of the umbarella academy ! (｡>\\<) ! I've read all of heartstopper, and watched the first season ! I actually only found out there was more seasons recently !! I remember hearing about new seasons, but I just assumed they weren't out yet . but I'm pretty sure . that was a while ago, and I just have a bad sense of time . I've not seen that before, is it good ? aaa Me too, I feel like I haven't seen a lot either, despite liking them !! I've seen IT, the fear street movies and an escape room based one ?? I think there might be more, but these are the ones I remember the most ! It's a little funny, but the first time I watched the escape rooms one was the night before I was going on a flight, and I'm a little nervous of planes so I had watched it hoping it would take my mind off of it . and there was like . three plane crashes or something lmao . I think my biggest at the moment is Omori, Fairy Tail and Seraph of the End/Mikayuu ! I've only really been on the avengers side of marvel, I actually didn't even know X-men was marvel until a couple weeks ago. . . but ! I want to get into it, though, I'm not sure where to start ! so ! Where should I ? I don't think I've seen Hocus Pocus either, but I keep hearing good things about it. . . I'll definitely watch it now !! :D I've never heard of the end of the fucking world, what is it ?

I know total drama too !!! I know what happens because me and my sibling watched it together earlier this year, after getting really invested in the roblox game based on it ! My sibling got a lot more into it than I did, but I know the characters !! Cartoons I liked a lot as a kid, and still like, are gravity falls, mlp, winx. . . As well as other animated movies ! Winx club is supposed to be getting like, a re-make ? so I'm quite excited for that !! From what I've seen, it looks good !! I also like watching people play games, talk about games or other things in general ! A video I really liked a lot is someone talking about Omori on youtube titled 'I played Omori after I lost my daughter to suicide' it made me feel really emotional and cry a lot . I also love rewatching Slimecicle's 'We spent 100 days in a hardcore minecraft apocalypse' and minaxa's video on Lacy games !!

oooo ! It sounds very cool, I'll give it a watch !! I think it's really awesome that theres someone that looks just like you, too ! I understand how you feel, they make me really happy ⪩(ᐢᗜᐢ)⪨ ! I'm sorry people don't. . . I also don't have many people I can talk about it with so I can understand you

[oc-cinematic-universe]

It's been quite a while since I read the deathspeaker, mainly 'cause of work. Would you like to give a summary of it?

ho boy. ok so 1) these summaries are not a good replacement for reading the comic. do you know how fucking many small details i put in the comic? every time i send a page to randy to have them proofread before i post it, i point out like 5 different tiny intentional details that are so important for the vibes. a summary does not give you the tiny shifts in characters dialogue and mannerisms, the intentional framing of each panel, the vitally important art style choices. please read my comic im so proud of it 2) this is long im sorry i tried not to ramble but holy shit i love this story. chapter 6 got fucking long in particular but you NEED the little details to understand that one ok just trust me please im sorry 3) this is a summary of every chapter that has posted so far cause idk how far back you stopped reading so congrats youre getting my last 5 years of work in one convenient post 4) this took me hours to write im not editing it if theres spelling and grammar mistakes no there isnt

prologue:

dara, headmistress of the school, explains her recent prophetic dreams to joe, her boyfriend and a fellow teacher at the school. a demon will be coming, one whos been here before and caused destruction. a team of 8 will be able to stop it. thats all they know.

chapter 1:

an introduction to the school and characters. introduces abby, lindsey, cody, and shannon as older students, and liam, victor, and valerie as first years. victor and valerie are twins, victor's super excited to be here and i love that for him <3 joe takes the kids on a tour explaining stuff about the school, most importantly being not to enter the forest without express permission. just like in the rest of the world, there are monsters and you should be careful.

joe then starts their first lesson of the year with magic101 and explains the story of how the world got magic. the 8 magic types were a gift from the 8 corresponding gods, who then left all the new wizards and have not been heard from much since.

after class, joe, dara, april, and lily (two other teachers and joe and daras close friends) discuss the prophecy. dara confirms the 8 who will be stopping the demon will be children, likely students of the school, so they need to keep an eye out.

chapter 2:

its the night before the new students will receive their wands and learn their magic type and valerie is nervous. she doesnt WANT half the magic types theyre SCARY, but victor is so pumped and ready for whatever. they go to sleep resolving 0 of those feelings

joe's in charge of a lot of the proceedings and he's losing his mind just a little bit this man doesn't sleep ever. as he's scrambling through last minute prep, some of the other teachers are introduced. the most important are rowena, the emotion magic teacher who shows up late and waves her hand and suddenly joe has no problem with her bad excuse, and death, who is the literal god of death. he's just chilling.

the kids receive their wands, liam gets fire magic and victor gets space, and valerie causes a bit of a stir when hers is revealed to be light. light wizards aren't the most common and the school hasnt had a new light student in a couple years. which means...

joe finds dara later riffling through books in a bit of a craze, and she explains she thinks valerie must be one of the kids of the prophecy. why else would a light student show up NOW? in fact, dara has a theory that the gods may be involved through the gems of the gods, which are granted to 8 individuals with different magics to increase their power when the world needs help.

joe asks if they should tell valerie. dara says no.

moments after saying she was SURE this had to be it... she says they can't tell valerie, they haven't confirmed anything. they can't be sure.

joe says he trusts her choice. joe lies.

chapter 3:

fuck the first section of this chapter who cares, basically abby and shannon explain yes the god of death (death is not one of the 8 magic types btw) is just here its not a big deal he teaches the dark magic class and he's chill whatever. valerie and harley, the light magic teacher, have discussions on the pressure put on light wizards to be perfect and harley gets goofy with it to let valerie know its ok they won't pressure her to be perfect at all, magic is fun

joe teaches the weapons training class and runs the kids through some basic defense with abby, who volunteered to help demonstrate. because it meant she didn't have to go to her normal class for this period. when she fucks up one of the demonstrations and hurts joe, she takes an embarrassed water break. and notices something watching her. a shadowy being who smiles at her from across the arena. who vanishes when joe comes back to ask how she's doing. abby doesn't feel well, and leaves.

meanwhile in dara's office, rowena comes by asking about some lesson content she wants to use but needs dara to confirm is ok. rowena tries to wave her hand and make it all so easy again. dara does not care and barely notices as she counteracts the spell. dara agrees to hear her out, and she begins telling the story. one about a queen and a peasant boy

the queen had taken the boy in and he worked so hard to make her happy. he admired her and felt close to her. she did not feel the same. an advisor warned her, the boy would cause problems. the boy needed to be dealt with before it was too late. nevermind that he hadnt done anything wrong, he was going to kill them all

so she ordered to have him executed. and as he cried in his cell awaiting his death, something came to help. it offered him freedom. hope.

vengence.

dara interrupts by saying its a bit morbid for this kids huh. startled, rowena can't get a very good reasoning out, and dara denies her request and asks her to leave. but... dara cant help but feel like... somethings wrong. so she adds,

"don't ask questions you dont want answers to"

rowena leaves happily. she got what she wanted

chapter 4:

abby is called on a quest (a normal school occurance stop calling this a weird thing it's just the culture of this world I'll KILL you) and dara won't ler her take shannon, her beloved girlfriend, with her because every single time abby went on a quest last year she took shannon. dara asks her to take a first year instead.

abby and liam leave on their quest to take care of a small gang of goblins. a simple enough quest for a first and second year to handle on their own. liams VERY nervous about heights and has never really ridden on a broom before, so he asks abby random questions to distract himself. he asks about the students he saw already at the school when the buses dropped him off there. abby gets quiet. she explains some students live at the school. "some of us dont have anywhere else to go" "...us?" abby doesnt answer, caught up in memories from only months ago. thankfully, she doesn't have to answer, theyve reached their destination! and...

there's screaming ringing out from everywhere. the goblins, somethings wrong. they're 9 feet taller than they're supposed to be, limbs too long for their body, faces half made up of hanging mouths filled with sharp teeth. they look ghostly, like shadows. liam fire blasts one and it does nothing. frantically, abby tells him to go back and get help, she'll do what she can to stop them.

dara, another teacher, and liam come back as soon as they can, just in time as abby's energy runs out. dara tells the kids to stay put behind a force field she puts up, but not long after leaving them she feels her connection with it break and comes rushing back to find them gone. nearby, theyre sitting with death. death casually tells dara not to worry, his reapers are handling the goblins. everyone can relax now. the other teacher takes the kids back to the school, leaving dara and death alone.

he confirms 6 deaths. but thats not the worst part! the worst is that he and his reapers could only find 1 of their souls. the other 5 have gone missing. he doesnt understand how this couldve happened... but dara does. there's one thing she can think of that could do this.

death is horrified. she promised him she had gotten rid of the demon the first time. she PROMISED. and now she's implying she lied? and has been lying for 70 YEARS?? how could she? unless... it was something to do with-

she tells him to stop. he realizes he is the only one who knows. he realizes she hasnt told anyone in decades. he realizes her refusal to acknowledge it is going to kill them all.

chapter 5:

this one is not getting several paragraphs it is so simple, jules is an elf prince who passed out near the school and was found by harley and valerie. after questioning them on why the hell they are here and they explain they ran away to get away from their family, she invites them to stay as a student. they agree! joe gives them a tour he's the tour guy and he is so excited to have a new student here <3 during the tour they end up talking about joe's hair, which he magically dyed to be pink with a spell he made himself, which leads to mentioning the gods never gave him a magic type so he has to make do with the little magic that works outside of magic types. later that night jules struggles to sleep and wanders the school, stumbling on rowenas classroom, where her voice drifts through the open door. jules takes a peek.

she's talking to the demon. she notices jules and quickly makes sure they won't think anything of what they saw (erasing memories is tricky. but making it harder to focus on.... thats easy). they go back to bed content. the demons excited. that was the last of the 8! so finally, finally, they can begin putting things into motion.

chapter 6:

in order to make up for a failed assignment, shannons teacher gives her a ridiculous homework sheet she'll have to go into the woods for. she tries to argue, but rowena enters the room. whats the problem shannon? youre a smart girl, after all. it's no problem for you. so shannon, grumbling, agrees.

victor overhears some students outside his class talking about the rumors that the school is in danger. always a fan of properly fact checking, victor decides to take this to dara and ask for an explanation. shes says the rumors are true, but its nothing to worry about. everything is under control. victor doesnt buy this for a second. he does what every good scientist should do and goes to research

shannon and abby walk at the edge of the forest, complaining about how unfair the assignment is. abby offers to come with shannon, its dangerous after all. she declines. she's a smart girl, after all. she can handle herself. it breaks abbys heart. shannon would never notice that. she's a smart girl, after all. after shannon leaves, abby is all alone. but she knows she's not, as the shadowy being once again stares at her. so close it could touch her. she knows it cant be real, its always gone when she goes to double check. so she turns around. theres no one there. abby is alone.

victor realizes too late into his plan that he doesnt know how the fuck research is supposed to help him here. but its alright. a wad of paper hits him from an unknown source, pointing him the direction of... an unlabeled book. it has a note stuck to the front: "do you want the truth? ps dont let dara see" nervously, he takes it somewhere private, and begins to read.

its a journal of a 10 year old boy during 1950. he's been taken in by miss dara and mister beckett after his mom left him at the school, promising to come back for him. 4 years later, she never came. he laments about school life as the only 10 year old living at this high school, and about miss dara being so mean and mister beckett being so nice. he writes about a cat he found in the woods, where he knew he wasnt supposed to go. he writes about the cat that follows him home. the cat that won't step into the light. the cat thats offering him a deal

shannon, in her quest to document magical animals in the woods, enters a small cave opening, calling out to any creatures that may reside. she does not want to be here and it shows. but here she will stay as the cave entrance crumbles behind her, and a doubled voice next to her ear taunts her. she spins around, wand brandished, and the demon floats smugly, unconcerned. she threatens and screams at them to tell her who they are. dramatically, they almost laughingly call themself "The Deathspeaker" flourishing their cape. ...shannon realizes she has run into a theater kid and no longer feels concerned. she could probably bully them no problem.

the boy from the journal is scared. The cat has told him it's a demon and it wants to make a deal. he knows better, and refuses over and over until it leaves. hopefully it won't come back. Life is hard enough as it is.

incredibly annoyed that shannon won't take their drama seriously, the demon says she can call them Theron instead. Trying to get back into the moment, they ask, voice echoing, how on EARTH she managed to find them. she says homework. for a moment their voice splits. "what???" "homework?" she doesn't notice. ... But hey a demon is a magical animal right, maybe she can fill her homework out

the boy tries to move on. the demon won't come back, it hasn't in a while. he describes his day, but the page is ripped near the end, cutting off the dark inky reply that he surely did not write himself. it wants a deal.

they want a deal. they'll do Shannon's homework if she retrieves a dragon for them. they lost it, and they can't leave to chase it, they've got this dreadful chain on their leg. shannon agrees. she's a smart girl, after all. this won't be a problem. so they remove the rocks from the cave entrance and send her on her way

the boy never budges. the cat tries and tries but he won't make a deal. so again, it leaves. days later, mister beckett does something strange. he and miss dara have a screaming match, and afterwards he tells the boy not to trust her. he's going to find a way to get the boy out of here. the boy doesnt understand. he thought dara loved them both, why would they need to leave? the next day, the boy write at midnight. miss dara woke him up and told him to follow her. he trusts her. how can he not.

the rest of the journal is blank.

victor refuses to believe that was it. what did any of that mean? how does this help? the door creaks behind him. dara enters the room, not noticing him at first. she smiles and greets him, and he panics and runs. ...odd. he left a book there. dara picks it up and opens it. moments later its nothing but ash. he knows. he knows, and she cant... breathe. he knows. he knows.

the 2 voices of the demon argue in their cave. he asks why they can't just tell shannon, rowena listened why wouldnt she? it snaps and yells at him, this isnt how it works!! this isnt what they discussed! shannons voice calls from the cave entrance. it tells him to be quiet and let it handle it.

she found the dragon but because it was A Ghost, she wasn't exactly able to get it back. she did her best! but its not enough. they count this as a broken deal, and refuse to hand her homework until she promises one more tiny thing. one more deal. they want her help talking to abby. ...she says no, of course not, thats stupid she doesnt trust this!! they move faster than she can react, pinning her up to the wall. she doesnt have a choice. she does this for them or she dies. she nods, and they let her go, with instructions written down to give to abby.

"you weren't supposed to do that" he says. "shut up" it snaps back.

victor got enough information from the journal to try research attempt number 2. with the help of lindsey (who caught him very obviously talking about stealing a laptop from the school computer room, and chose to help him out of pity), he discovers an article from 1950 about a fire at the school. headmistress dara refused to answer many questions from the police and journalists, especially about the 10 year old boy who had gone missing under her care. he was the only one they couldn't find any trace of in the aftermath. victor, horrified, confirms thats him. thats the boy from the journal. the one this all seems to be about.

theron deathspeaker.

[egailegailegail]

ive started helping my little sisters with their homework recently and i have to say its been pretty healing for me to finally see what people meant when they told me i was actually “smart enough to get it, you just need to try harder” because i never understood that until now. whenever they said it, it started to feel like an insult because i was trying so hard to try and i felt like no one thought that mattered, that me trying wasnt enough. and it felt like adult after adult would give up on me because of that

today i had to drag my sister out of bed, chase her from room to room until she finally sat down, defeated and irritable at the table. but as we kept going and i kept reassuring her that it was ok, and we just needed to do one small thing after another. as we kept going she just lit up again. shes right before algebra i think, so she starts asking all these questions like “whats the e in pemdas?” and i tell her its for exponents, but she keeps asking questions, clearly interested and desperate to learn more. “what do exponents do? why do we need them? what are they used for?”. it was like she was completely different from how she was an hour ago, actively running away from these questions and problems.

she would make accurate leaps in logic before she even understood what she was actually doing? there was a problem where she had to divide 14 in half and after sitting there staring at it for a couple of moments, she was like “oh its like 14 - 7″ like the act of dividing didnt even cross her mind. she just knew.

shes crazy intelligent and its all just a matter of getting her to overcome how overwhelmed she feels and take small steps at a time. she could probably be a doctor or engineer if she hones in the ability to motivate herself on her own.

theres no doubt in my mind shes adhd like i am now that i have my diagnosis and know the criteria. i really hope she gets that diagnosis sooner rather than later like i did, because having words for these struggles can make them so much easier to explain and handle. and i want her teachers, the ones she had now and in the future, to understand her needs and how to handle her. she doesnt need the years of beating herself up that i had.

im really thrilled i get to be there for her the way i needed someone else when i was younger. im so happy she gets to have someone by her side who knows what its like to feel adhd paralysis first hand and help navigate her out of it. im so so so excited to see what the future holds for her.

[gooogigi]

may twenty second, two thousand and four

Under the Skin (dir. Johnathan Glazer, D.P. Daniel Landin), 2013

my brain is incapable of many processes. one of which being an ability to share emotions as i feel them. was recently informed by my coworker that this might mean i have a "disorganized" attachement style? to me, it just seems like i learned to move through the world by means of suppression, otherwise known as being an adult.

regardless of my emotional aptitude, i seem to be reaching a simmering point. Not destructive boiling, but my pysche blows steams and softly bubbles, with no real end to the slow accumulation of psyichic heat in sight.

in short, im fucking depressed. not as a feeling but as a state. it's a state ive lived with for a while. I thought it was normal to not want to get up in the morning. i think it is, only for things you don't want to do, not an every day thing. my mind, afraid of what stopping might mean, runs a self-fueling engine of thought and emotional viscera. it is so hard to sleep, and it has been hard for years. my mother, god bless her, haunted by the same phantom-psyche that follows her every waking moment.

im returning to this site for a couple for reasons: one, the nostalgia of sharing with the world in this way, anonymous yet unflinching. without a care of what will happen to these thoughts once i post. it is also an exercise in attempting to put words to feelings as they appear. lastly, this site is pretty dead. My friends never use this. I'm journaling in an internet graveyard, and it feels nice to be back here. to remember the person i was when i was figuring myslef out at 16.

i am sorry to report that, at 28, i am still figuring myself out. i fear i never will. i guess i should explore what figuring myself out means. at times i think i'm engaging in a form of self-stockholm: holding myself hostage to ideas of what life should look like, and falling in love with the fallacy of fulfilling this prophecy. i met adam at my orgy situation, and he said he was a porn producer. he pays his own rent (allegedly) to live in the same neighborhood i was graced by the city of new york to be able to afford. what's stopping me from directing some porn, and maybe doing the same? It's obvious the film and art world do not view me seriously, and would rather wait until i'm one foot in the grave until any contribution is taken seriously. and it's not that i feel as if ive made any major contribution to the aforementioned fields, but just that the side glances, the uninterested smiles, the "yeah lets meet sometimes", the "we're sorry to inform you's" they each hurt a little, and in this short life i have accumulated so much rejection it should be astounding i've found a way to give my life any meaning at all.

so how does my life have any meaning, and in turn, have any reason worth living? well, for starters, the yes's ive received, have been enough, i guess. In the past four years ive lived astounding emotional lows, almost at post-australia levels. i have been able toi come up for air because of the forces outside of myself that make life better, nto worse: i got an apartment i can afford in a nice neighborhood, i have a residency, I have an exhibition here and there, i have a job. i don't have friends in my vicinity, and at times ostracize myself form them, but the times i do manage to be with other people has been nice. but in recent moments these yeses have exhibited precarity: theres ways for my building to remove my stabilized rate, my job has had a slow season and it's clear i am first on the chopping block, i have a studio im too tired to use, and no opportunities to at least force me to work.

also, i miss my emotionally irregulated ex. more on this later im sure.

I could probably live better if i just let go of any idea of what i thought life would be, but my idea of what life could be is what saved me the first time. but i think im running myself into the ground trying to be someone i cant. I can only do the best with the life that has been presented to me. i cant tell if this makes life more or less worth living.