#theres always some sort of connecting thread

[holographicbutch]

One thing about travis willingham is he KNOWS he would never resist the allure of a cursed amulet. And I respect that

[the1975attheirverybest]

Hey yk theres a group chat on instagram that mattys in and yk yesterday he talked again in it and theres a screenshot of him saying hes gonna eat ass on stage and a couple of people issued it bc apparently there are a few 17yo in the group chat (one of them posted it i think) and its obviously a joke and the person who posted it said that most people are adults and it was a direct respons to an adults comment and its not anything weird or sexual and it didnt last more than 30 seconds and most people werent even awake for the conversation but i see a couple of older adults thinking its inappropriate and im not sure that its because im not as old but i don't think its a really big thing but i would love to hear your opinion about it

So, I have to say that I’ve been avoiding Twitter the last couple of days cuz my mental health is hanging on by a thread. So I haven’t seen the screenshots myself, but going off of what you’ve said here:

I think it’s dicey. Like, on the one hand, matty says shit all the time. Like, if this minor is someone who is familiar with “cumming to her lookalikes” and “bust into her hand” and “the type you just don’t fuck” or hell…matty saying that his tendency to reach for porn is entangled with his addiction….then this kid has heard all kinds of inappropriate things that maybe too much for their age. This comment wouldn’t be any different.

I’ve seen him doge potentially inappropriate conversations in group chats before. Like he’d reply to bluntly sexual comments and stuff either by simply liking them or only writing “haha” or like when someone was being extra flirty and shit with him then was like “follow me back” he replied with “but you’re the worst one” so he knows to tow the line really well. Idk if he like clicked on this persons profile and checked before replying to them or not. He probably just treated it the way that he would speak onstage. And he does say shit onstage.

But I have a sister. Who likes to remind me that she’s entered her 20s now. But in my mind she’s always gonna be 12 years old. And if I heated that some rockstar was talking about eating ass in her dms I would find that mf. I may not be that great at taking care of myself. But for my sisters??? You best believe I’m gonna fuck shit up. So, like, I get older peoples mentality. But matty has never been the sort of guy who will adjust the way he’s speaking for anyone. That’s who he is. And if he were worried about being taken out of context then he wouldn’t say half the shit that he does. I think he genuinely lives by the whole “I don’t have anything to hide cuz I’m not actually a bad person.” Like if anyone got suspicious of this kind of comment and went to dig deeper, he’s not Colleen Ballinger. Nothings gonna come up. So at worst Twitter hunts him for it for a while until he does the next “cancelable” thing.

He’s a lot of things but he’s not a sleaze. I think he tends to operate in good faith when it comes to fans. Cuz he knows we understand him. Which is what makes our connection with him so special.

[evansencezz]

⚱︎ ⚱︎—SEE NO EVIL, HEAR NO EVIL, SPEAK NO EVIL— Autum Candell—⚱︎ ⚱︎

notes: oh my god, angst overload, holy shit, average ginger, mental illness, gore, blood, murder, non-cannon aroace autumn, help bro, girlboss autum, she/they pronouns, twin sisters, fucked up autumn, refrenced death insentences, PTSD, untreated mental illness, revenge, anger issues, stressed out autumn, vicous cycle, i feel so bad for her, flashbacks, trauma, actually okay family ig, atleast compared to my other ocs, immoratal??autumn, revenge plot, guns, knives, afraid of heights, afraid of drowning, shes still sexy though, nice tits, lots of murder, mainuplation, yanderes, bondage, theres like one fluff scence and its not even that cute, choking, half-mute autumn, mechanic autumn, i like mechanics, fashion desginer autumn too, why not, lots of fight scences, autumn being alone, no one gets her. so emo, lashing out, very non-touchy autumn, extremely traumatized autumn, yet she still slays, smoking, drinking, a little flirting but nothing serious, autumn hates men, refrenced towards toture, YEAH.., beating the fuck out of someone, autumn dies like alpha, time loop, popular autumn, sort of simaliar to suimuki bc i love both of them, horror, slasher, major character death, rlly sad ending.

Autum sighed as she stitched up her arm, just another wound. Her apartment was empty, filled with only herself.

��Died again?” She questioned herself.

It was strange, usually she could remeber how she died. Or atleast make sense of it, but no. She just practically woke up to herself stitiching.

“Fucking hell..” She scofffed, finally ending the stitch by pulling up and sinching it.

When she dropped the needle, the rest of the thread attached to it came out. She cut it off and poked around at the still somewhat gaping hole in her arm

They dug their fingers into the flesh right above it, frustrated.

“How did I mess up again?? All I want is to..” She hissed.

All they wanted was to be viewed as an actual person. People adimired them for their looks and personality. They didn’t even bother to try and help them or look deeper.

It was funny, she had always been treated kindly by other people. What if the ginger had been ugly, or more mean??

Obviously, they would hate her then, right?

She darkened her eyes before swiftly standing up off of the couch. Her long hair followed her movements, unrestrained by a hairtie or anything.

She looked out at the city of Valentino, loud. She would have some way to make a name for herself, even though most people just knew she just kept coming back.

Of course there was the regular person stummbling across Autumn’s body here and there. Terrifed when she shot up and gasped for air. They always had a look of horror when her emerlad eye connected with theirs.

She grunted and moved to her kitchen. Might aswell make coffee before moving out, right??

Some people might have called her insane for still going out into the world. For living her life, as painfilled as it was.

Once the coffee was brewed, she took a cup and poured it into it, then she sealed it with a lid. Her phone, that was sitting on the counter lit up with a message.

‘hey autumn! i’m outside of your place, ready to hang out?? im really exicted, we haven’t seen each other in so long!’

They grimnaced, Summer. Summer was their older sister an awfully nice girl. So naive.

They placed their cup to the side as they picked up the phone. A photo of them and Summer was the profile picture she had set. A stinging feeling filled their upper chest and they clentched the photo tighter.

“God damnit.” They hissed.

She blinked and slowly texted a response. Meanwhile, the taller ginger looked around the area. They were currently outside of the complex, and got brushed by a few people.

They blinked in surprise but a wide grin formed on their face as they read the message Autumn had sent them.

‘yeah yeah, i’m coming relax’ was all it said.

The older didn’t feel the need to respond, so she didn’t. She also flinched when she noticed someone infront of her.

“Hey, arsenic.” The younger sister greeted.

Dark green eyes immeditally glanced up from her phone. She made immediete eye contact with Autumn.

A soft yet exicted smile formed on her face. The younger looked as she always had. Her ginger hair was in a low ponytail now, tied with a green ribbon.

She also had lots of scars alinging her body, one missing through her right eye but don’t damanging the eye itself. She also had a scar on the left side of her neck in the shape of a lightening bolt.

In all honesty, she did look like someone who had been through way too much.

“Autumn!!” Summer shook her head and quickly hugged her sibling.

The other returned the embrace, all be it lighter. When both of them pulled away the other girl got a good look at what they were wearing. A tight fitting shirt with straps that showed..skin.

Like Summer had mentioned earlier, they had bruises, scars and shittly wrapped banadges around areas. The color of the top was a basic marrow bone colored besige with a skelton desigin.

Autumn also had on low waisted jeans that were a deeper gray and with a belt. Finally, with black combat boots, she looked nice.

“It’s good to see you again.” The younger said.

The taller beamed and moved back a little.

“I could say the same! You look..well..?” She questioned.

The younger twin scoffed and shuffled her feet slightly. Her eyes seemed to dart to her feet for a second before back to Summer’s.

“Just tell me I look like shit.” She blurted out.

The other blinked a few times before laughing. It was nice to see that they honestly knew that they weren’t in the best condition.

“Ah, good to see you still have that same humor! Anyways, wanna’ hit up a cafe’ before we fuck around?” She giggled before smiling with her eyes closed.

The ladder simply nodded. They had that sinking feeling in their stomach again, so they tossed a glance over their shoulder. No one else was there, stop being paranoid Autumn.

“Hey?” They were surprised and tensed when a soft hand shook their shoulder.

Their dark eyes connected with slightly brighter ones. A grin formed onto her sisters face and she made a follow me motion.

“Come on, I know I’M suposed to be the ONE visting YOU but I looked up a really cute cafe’!” She explained.

Autumn wasn’t really listening, merly humming. The two walked on the sidewalk, finally out of the compelx area in the full city of Valentino. She noticed people pausing what they were doing to get a good look at her.

Her sibling must have noticed her posture change, as they cocked an eyebrow.

“Does your presnce really radiate that many looks??” They questioned.

The ginger simply grumbled and scowled. She absoutetly despised it, she hated it so much. Why did everyone have so much want and lust towards her?

She would never wish this fate on anyone else, this was exactly why she burdened it. She would weigh herself down if it ment keeping Summer and every other person safe. No matter how many times she died.

Then again, she was currently restarting from a death. It would only be soon enough till some creep made his disgusting move.

“Sooo..I’m assuming no boyfriend or girlfriend?” Her sister asked, keeping pace with her and leaning to the side.

The emerlad eyed girl didn’t have to think about it. She barely had any romantic attraction anymore. Anyone who she had ever dated turned out to become obessed with her and wanted to take her.

She blew out a puff of air and shook her head.

“No..nothing like that.” She answered.

The ladder simply hummed before perking up when a cafe’ came into view. A rather large one at that, Autumn also looked up.

“Ah, here it is!~” She sang, walking faster and opening the door.

The other grunted and shuffled inside, the other female following. There was actually a good amount of people looking at them when they entered.

“Fucking annoying..” They scoffed.

Summer didn’t even look at the people and kept a naive smile on their face. They wished they could keep that naive nature for themself. They were jealous.

They were cut off by someone brushing past the said older sibling and towards them. It was a male, of course it was.

“Hey, sweetness. Aren’t you a cute LITTLE thing?” He cooed towards them.

That intense revenge and hatered towards people like this Autumn had built up crawled into their being again. Maybe they were a sociopath, maybe they didn’t like any people..

But these..PEOPLE..were the most disgusting.

“Not intrested.” She simply replied.

The man seemed to have a reaction towards this, his eyes narrowing. He had short, red hair that looked oddly soft and dark blue eyes.

“Oh yeah? What, this your girlfriend?” He spat, glancing towards her older sister.

The taller burst out laughing while she made a disgusted face. This guy could go hang himself for all she cared, he was vile.

“Twin sister, thank you.” Summer flashed a closed eyed smile.

He grunted and flicked his eyes back towards her.

“Why aren’t you intrested?? Is it because I’m too much for you?!” He agressivly asked.

The long haired female flinched when his large hand grabbed her lower arm and raised it. She quickly scowled and tried tugging it away, he didn’t move. By now, a crowd had formed around them.

“Hey buddy! Get off of them!!” The other ginger dropped her smile and glared at him.

Autumn only narrowed their annoyed eyes further and..

“Get your fucking-!” They started while finally getting free before grabbing him and kicking him harshly in the side.

A round of cheers greeted this and she almost smiled. Then, she grabbed the man by the hair, seeing as he had doubled over.

“DISGUSTING perverted hands off of me. Honestly, that’s sad. Oh, and you have a wedding band on?? How..vile.” She spat before harshly letting go of his hair.

She backed away and glanced towards her sibling. They blinked a few times before making a face and a signal. Autumn made a confused expression before turning around.

Loads of people had their phones out and were recording. No one was helping the male on the ground though, everyone was fawning over her.

“That was so awesome!! What’s your name?!” A male with brown hair and brown eyes asked.

She was about to answer but the crowd of smiling and cheering people came closer. She honestly felt bad for the cafe’ owner.

“Uh-!”

“Your so pretty!! Do you have a partner?!”

‘WHATTTT?!!’ She thought in her head, recoiling.

All she did was show that disgusting pervert his place. And that wasn’t the first time she had done that. either. The girl had also been sweeped into crowds of ‘fans’ before.

Her older sibling quickly stepped in, smiling nervously at all the people.

“It’s nice to meet all of you, I’m sure! But we must be off!~” They waved before tugging the shorter by the wrist.

They both zoomed out the door, leaving everyone dissapointed. The man, still on the floor groaned.

“I..I could sue!! That..she ASSUALTED ME!!” He complained.

Silence covered the cafe’ before..

“Shut up.” Someone threw their empty, paper cup at them.

It hit the top of his head and he grunted. He looked around to who it was.

“Hey?!! What the-!?” He was cut off again.

“YEAH!! GET OUTTA’ HERE!!” More people threw stuff at him and he yelped.

“You were so hot back there! Maybe you’ll blow up, become a fugtive!” Summer panted

The other orange-nette rolled her eyes and looked behind her. They were both currently sitting on a fountains edge, water behind them filled with a statue and pennies.

“Please, I dobut it. Actually no-that might happen actually. Knowing my reputation with..’fame’.” She started but thought about it more.

“Pfft- anyways, maybe you should take me to your favorite spot, yeah??” The other snickered before tilting her head and smiling.

The former squinted at her, that was the thing about Summer. She always had a relaxed smile on her face, and was so nice to everyone. She hated that she pushed her own sister away.

“Am..am I mean to you..?” She hestiantely asked.

The brighter eyed girl blinked and rubbed her eyes. Sje simply scoffed and rolled her eyes.

“Are you? Sometimes, yeah. But it’s not a bad thing.” They answered.

She looked at them before embrassingly turning away and mummbling something. She dug her fresh nails into the rim of the fountain and scowled.

They didn’t like this sudden feeling that dwelled inside of them. Fear? Softness? Whatever it was, they wanted it gone.

“Autumn? Hey!” They shook their sister by the shoulder.

The said person snapped out of it and looked shakily at the others face. They had a concerned expression on, only natural. Only natural, but still annoying.

“Or we can stay here if you’d like? There seems to be somethin’ bothering you.” They reassuringly smiled.

Her nails dug further into the fountain and she hissed. Was she bleeding by now? Probably.

“Wha-Autumn?! Come back please!” Huh?

The female hadn’t even relized she had gotten up and had started walking away. She tried to pause her movements, but it was like she was being dragged to go somewhere.

Her older sibling had gotten up and this cued the others body to start running. Yes, she had lost control of her bodily funcontions once or twice, dropping a plate when her hand went numb, or something else.

But never..THIS..

“Autumn!!” They faintly heard their sibling call after them but they turned back towards and just sighed.

Maybe they were trying to burn off this annoying feeling that had rised in their being. It was that annoying fury and anger towards everyone and everything.

They halted at a crossroad-slightly winded. Some people raised an eyebrow and they only glared at them. They adjusted their posture and glanced towards the button.

“God..” Autumn glanced behind her into the walking crowds but coudn’t spot Summer.

The light turned green and everyone moved along, including her. She only eye-twitched and ran a hand through her hair.

She followed along with the crowd, still checking her phone here and there. It lit up multiple times with the call singal from her sister. She simply ignored it though.

The ginger quickly found another cafe’, one she had been to multiple times. She didn’t order anything though, she simply sat down and laid her head on the table.

People were probably looking at her strangley, she cracked open and eye and just say a couple people peeking glances at her. She lazily made a two finger wave before slumping over again.

“Autumn??” A blonde haired girl leered over the orange-nette.

The person, who was zoning out with their cheek in their head perked up. They glanced towards her, before humming.

“Hey, Nari! What’s up?” They closed eyed smiled.

The other seemed to be pleased with the attention but looked away. She glanced towards the door before back towards them.

“Your..boyfriends..here.” She answered.

The former perked up, like sat up straight and smiled wider. Micheal, her boyfriend was so nice, not to mention cute! Ah, she could feel herself getting flustered.

“Thanks Nari! I can always count on youuu..~” She grinned and kissed her friends cheek before skipping off towards her boyfriend.

Meanwhile, Nari Jeong placed a hand on her cheek, feeling weak. God, only if they knew the hold they had on some people. She watched as they smiled and leaned towards their boyfriend, also kissing his cheek.

Ah…her cheek now felt colder.

“You’ having a good day so far, baby? You seem more happy then usual.” The taller of the duo grinned down at them.

“Yep, now it’s even better because your here! I love you..” They cheered before kissing him.

Micheal wasn’t easy, he didn’t always kiss back. He didn’t always call her nicknames, or tease but it was okay. It was okay because they were still together.

He grunted and gently kissed back before easing her down. She still had that wide smile on her face, and he closed his eyes.

“Your so cute darling.” He breathed out.

It was true, everyone in the school adimired her. From her near ginger hair, that was slightly tied back by the white hairband on her head. Or her cute freckles around her face.

The girls scoffed and her cheeks turned a light pink. So cute.

So cute but too easy..

“Ugh, stop! Could you be anymore cheesy?” She sarcastically asked.

The brown haired male only snickered before raising an eyebrow.

“Probably. But you like it, don’t you??” He inquired back.

She simply grumbled something before jolting when the bell rang. Micheal leaned back slightly, grin still on his face.

“Better get to class, slacker!” She teased before being caught off guard when he connected their lips again.

They closed one, green eyed on reflex before softening and kissing back. It was always nice when he decided to shut them up.

However, quickly after he snickered again and pulled away. They cracked their eyes open and huffed. He quickly picked his bag off of the ground and ruffled their locks of hair.

“See you later, Aut’!~” He cooed before walking away.

They groaned, slumping over again. Only to tense when multiple people ran towards them.

“AAAAH-Your so lucky Autumn!!” A girl with pink hair and brown eyes sighed.

The emerlad eyed girl only raised an eyebrow with a now more tense smile on her face.

“You think so??” She questioned.

Another person, a girl with white hair and green eyes spoke up.

“Uh, yeah!! Micheal is so dreamy, not to mention you!” She gawked.

Autumn could only laugh nervously and play with a strand of hair. There were other popular couples though, right??

“Autumn! And the rest of you, get to your classes please!” Someone broke the crowd up.

She glanced towards them, it was Mars. The rest of the crowd yelped in slight fear before scampering off. She smiled geinuley at the navy haired girl.

“Thanks, Mars! They were sort of..” She trailed off.

“Holding you?? Yeah, I noticed. You should be more honest with your..fans?” She sarcastically answered.

The orange-nette only sweat-dropped before nodding. She entered the classroom along with Mars and prepared for another easy-going day.

The female gasped slightly as she awoke, still in the cafe’. No one was near her, but some people spared a longer glance of confusion at the loud noise.

She muttered something before standing up and rolling her shoulder. She also cracked her hands and strecthed them out before trying to walk out the door.

She was stopped though, by a black haired man. He had fluffy, yet frizzy looking hair with alot of pirecings. He also had black eyes and a grin on his face.

“Hey, I think I know you. Autumn Candell, right?” He asked.

She was immeditally on guard about this, she hadn’t told anyone her name..her throat seized slightly. Oh god, was she going to be able to answer?

“I..I..” She hoarsely said.

Fuck that, her throat closed tighter and she knew she wouldn’t be able to speak. The shorter of the duo wondered how she would be able to communicate.

“Hey, are you alright? Oh! I’m so sorry! Your probably wondering how I know your name?” He relized.

She blinked a few times, was this guy insanely smart or something? Hell, maybe even a mind reader.

They nodded and he placed a relaxed grin on his face.

“We went to the same highschool. I’ve actually been looking for you..” He answered.

‘Oh.’ They thought. ‘That last sentence isn’t creepy, AT ALLLLL..’

“…” They looked around for something before sighing and opening their phone.

They typed something on it and practically shoved it in the male’s face, making him back up.

‘looking for me??’ It asked.

He beamed and nodded, unsettingly. The long haired girl lowered the phone some to get a better look at him.

“I’m so happy to see you again! You probably don’t remeber me, so my name is Michealis Garcia.” He introduced.

She didn’t think about it much, well, her first reaction was to type something in jest.

‘a bit long-winded, wouldn’t you say?’ it sarcastically read.

She also squinted her green eyes at him, Michealis Garcia? Wasn’t that the leader of the football team? Ugh.

He laughed before leaning towards her. She visibly grimanced.

“Ah, have you became even more funny?” He grinned.

She grimnaced more and finally took a good few steps back. She pinched the bridge of her nose for a second before typing something else.

‘i would hope so? anyways, see you.’ she quickly flashed before practically zooming out of the cafe’.

The black haired boy frowned as his eyes followed her until he lost her. How annoying. He narrowed his eyes before joting when someone nudged from behind him.

“Excuse me? Your blocking the door.” They bluntly said.

Michealis just moved aside and watched as they nudged the door open with their elbow. This was due to them carrying a large box with a smaller box on top.

The door closed again and he sighed deeply before walking out of the store aswell. Hopefully Autumn hadn’t wandered too far.

Speaking of, the said person was weaving through the crowds again. Maybe they should just call Summer while they were at it. What time was it again??

They glanced down quickly as the merly clicked the on button and saw the time, 2:00 PM. So as much for hanging out right? Oh well, they were going to be in the city for a couple months.

Maybe the younger should have felt worse, but she really didn’t feel anything. She just kept walking before finally sitting down at a open bar place.

They had bar stools, on the open side-walk and the open bar also faced outwards. It wasn’t crammed, like there was just a random bar jammed into the crowd. It was off to the side like all the other shops.

“What can I get for you?” The bartender asked.

The orange-nette simply cleared her throat and leandd forward. Hopefully her voice was back by now.

“Uh..do..do you sell uhm..like white wine by the bottle.? Along with wiskey?” She asked.

Yeah, the girl liked to down some hard whiskey and wine. And even better was mixing them, which was probably bad for her gut.

“Whiskey and wine bottles?? I can do that, but first I need to see an ID, of course.”

Autumn was really jumpy all of the sudden and flinched slightly. The worker seemed slightly concerned, furrowing their eyebrows. She quickly shaked her head though and found her ID.

It was the only real thing, that well, provded she was real. That’s why she was sometimes scared while she was stabbing a guys vocal chords out, what if she got caught?? No dobut the court of law would look for her legal documents.

“Alright, here you go.” The bartender handed them back ther card and they shoved it in their bag.

They shuffled and flinched immensly when someone slid into the seat next to them.

‘HOLY SHIT’ they yelled in their mind, ‘CAN I NOT GET A FUCKING BREAK?!’

They spared a glance towards the person next to them, only see..

“YOU?!!” They blurted out.

The man laughed, Michealis. His demenor didn’t seem to change, however it was kind of creepy he kinda’ followed them here.

“Yeah, me! You surprised?” He laughed out.

The former made a face and he snickered slightly. Could the bartender be a little quicker?!

“Soooo..did I wear you down so much that you needed a drink??” He questioned.

She slumped over the counter slightly, arms crossed on it. An exhausted expression of annoyment rested on her face.

“Yep. So, go away now.” Drop the plesentries, creep.

Michealis seemed to be taken aback by this, blinking a few times. Before the same smile, but smaller rested on his face. However, his eyes noticeably shrank and dialated.

“Oh, sorry! Did that bother you?” She lazily glanced at him before picking up the two bottles of acohol and stepping down from the seat.

Before the bartender could even say anything about pay, she formed into the crowd. The black eyed male quickly followed after though and somehow fitted to walk beside her.

“Why are you being so rude to a previous friend? Didn’t your par-!” He rather agressivly asked.

They chuckled under their breath, typical. Pull out the parent excuse of manners and be an asshole.

“My parent’s were acholics, and not good people.” She smiled up at him before glancing towards the bottles.

Autumn had a hunch of what was going to come out of his mouth. And they weren’t responsible for what came of it, if he had the guts to say it.

“So..like you??”

“…” There it was.

The girl somehow manged go grab him and swiftly push him into a alleyway. A few people seemed to notice, but they just glanced at the acholoic drinks in their hands before losing intrest.

“Wh-hey!! Awfully fucking handsy!” He grunted.

The shorter stayed silent, swaying before swiftly digging their thumb under one of the corks of the drinks and opening it. They took a pretty good swig before sighing.

“You know, I usually don’t do this sort of thing. Only to people I need revenge on or I knew hurt me. And the-the funny thing is-I don’t even remeber you-AT ALL!!” They stummbled over their words, laughing slightly.

Michealis took a few steps back, glancing behind him every now and then. The long haired girl sighed again and came closer.

“God, you could’ve been such a nobody if you just kept your damn mouth shut. But no, you decided to be gross and come up and talk to me.” She spat.

The black-nette switched over to have fear in his eyes. Was she seriously demented?! Was she actually going to hurt him?!

Oh no, she wasn’t going to hurt him.

She was going to make him suffer.

In all honesty, her current thoughts were all jumbled up. Flashbacks and images from her past clouded her vision and didn’t help with the emotions she felt.

“Please! I’..I’m sorry..!” He aplogized.

And it clicked.

Now she knew exactly why this Michealis guy was all over her. He’s the one who found her body once it hit the ground at school. And yet he didn’t get someone to help, he just stared at it for probably twenty minutes before walking away.

“Your kidding me..” She whispered.

Why didn’t he help her?! Prehaps he could’ve broken the cycle right then and there! Then they wouldn’t have to fucking die over and over again.

“Ha..Ahaha!.. I know exactly who you are now.” She lightly laughed.

She came even closer, now the taller wasn’t able to move any further back. Her right eye darted all around his face before the other remained steady. Pretty creepy.

“Your the guy who was too much of a coward to report a body. Your the guy who practically was a eye-witness but didn’t say anything.” They hissed.

The ladder’s eyes widened as his ‘secret’ was revealed. Honestly, just how despreate was he?? It was really gross.

“Now I can’t feel bad about getting rid of you.” They mummbled aswell.

They tilted the white wine bottle and chugged it back quickly before doing the same with the whiskey. A probably painful display for most people, but it placed a wobbly grin on their face.

“Please..I’m so sorry Candell..” He tried one more time.

Her smile immeditally fell and she slammed the white wine glass into the wall beside her. This made a shattering sound and it became jagged.

The pine eyed female leaned over him, one hand messing with the weapon. An distant look was painted on her face as she spoke:

“Pray to some other god then.”

And with that, she brought the glass down on him. He screamed violently, but knowing the people of Valentino City, they wouldn’t even spare a glance. Blood quickly standed everything, slightly coating her face aswell.

She yanked the bottle that she had inlodged in his stomach out. Then, she grabbed him quickly by the head and twisted it slightly so she could stab the glass in his throat.

He screamed again but it was quickly silenced with noises of him choking on his own blood. The ginger watched as he reached towards her but went slack.

After a few moments, Autumn glanced down towards the weapon in her hand, her eye twitching.

“I seriously just wasted a good bottle of wine on you?! Talk about annoying..” She hissed, tossing the bottle back towards his slumped over body.

Blood was everywhere, on her face and hair. And espically on her clothes that now had spots just completly red.

They glanced down at Michealis’s body one more time before swiftly pinching the bridge of their nose. Whatever, they would just walk in the alleyways so that people didn’t get concerned.

They also glanced down towards their clothes and scowled.

“I fucking liked this shirt too..prick.” She complained before walking away.

“I’m very sorry, but I haven’t seen anyone who looks like that..” A woman answered.

Summer sighed and lowered her phone. She had tried calling her younger sister over a dozen times now only to not get an answer. She eventually started asking people on the streets.

“No..No it’s okay..I’ll find her eventually..” She reassured the woman, smiling softly before walking back into the crowd.

Of course, Summer wasn’t stupid. She didn’t go up to drug dealers, sex workers, or other people randomly asking where the fuck her sister was.

She instead, gravatated towards the friendly looking people. They were rare, but it was still surprising the amount of people she had asked.

Maybe it was the photo, the girl clicked open her phone and looked at it. It had Autumn with a surprised expression as they looked up from what they were doing.

It was still visible how many scars they had. The former scoffed and turned off the phone.

Jazzy music played throughout the streets as the sun lowered. It was now 4:00 PM and of course it was getting dark.

They faintly remebered the person they were looking for to stay inside at night. Of course, this peeked their curiousty, but they weren’t trying to be another victim.

A victim of what exactly?? Well, of the series of brutual murders that were going around. Men and woman turned up dead left and right, some had their throats cut out. Some had seviere bruising, just what exactly was this person doing to them?!

The person had to be serverly messed up, the victims bodies proof of that. It was like the bodies were the person taking out their mental state out on them.

The orange-nette grimnaced at the thought of becoming a victim. Yet, that was probably on everyone’s minds. This person was clearly a danger.

They blinked a few times, why were they so focused on this?? Autumn was more imporant!!

The older sister groaned softly and passed a crosswalk. She also flinched when someone slightly came up behind her.

“Summer??” A voice called.

It was medium toned, so she couldn’t tell who it belonged to. She turned slightly and saw bright blue eyes and soft blonde hair around a pretty face.

“Nari?!” She walked slightly backwards.

Nari was also aquaintated with the older sibling aswell. They had met once or twice, the older noticing how she was attracted to her sister.

“Ahaha..it’s nice..to uhm..see someone from highschool..” She softly laughed.

The same heighted girl raised an eyebrow at this. The nari she knew was much more..upbeat! Not extremely, but enough to be considered atleast mellow.

But the one walking behind her had eyebags, a thinner face, along with a sort of exhausted and almost wretched vibe coming off of her.

“Are you okay?” It slipped out.

The blonde blinked a few more times in surprise before smiling nervously.

“Oh..uhm..yeah just uh..tired..say!-do you want to eat somewhere? Or atleast talk??” She looked away before snapping back to them.

The green eyed female placed a lop-sided smile on her face and nodded.

The duo pulled to the side and quickly entered a shop. It wasn’t a cafe’, it just looked like a store where you ordered food.

“Do you want anything? I’ll pay.” Nari questioned.

The green eyed girl glanced at the menu and squinted. She leaned forwards before turning towards the other.

“I’ll take a veggie’ sandwhich with choclate milk.” She bluntly answered.

It looked like the other tried not to laugh as she gave her order.

“Veggie’ sandwhich with choclate milk, really??” She replied.

The ginger only blew out a puff of air and shook her head.

“Please..that’s why your somewhat shorter then me.” She smirked bitterly and leaned a little closer.

The blue eyed girl raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah? I think we level out though..” She simply said before turning away.

Summer smiled lightly, the other girl seemed more relaxed now. She could faintly hear her ordering some food before flashing a grin at Summer and making a ‘c’mere’ motion.

“Here.” She softly said before siting down.

They blinked, Nari always had a sort of soft beauty about her.

“Woah..” The other let out, getting a better look at her face.

As they said before, she defentily did look older. But she still had the cute freckles, and almost clear skin.

“What?” The said girl spoke up, a knowing grin on her face.

That was another thing about her, her eyes always scrunched up in joy from her smile. Sometimes her nose also scrunched up.

“You just look..simaliar to how you did back then..” They said slowly.

The blue eyed girl sitting across from them laughed. Her eyes closed and she held her cheek.

“Ah, charming, however..no matter how long it’s been, my heart still belongs to your sister.”

The older blinked a few times, eyes wide. Seriously?! Why was everyone chasing after their sister today?!

“Seriously?! You still want to date her?!” They gawked.

Nari was about to answer but an order name was called as she got up. She quickly walked over and picked a tray up before smoothly walking back and sorting the food.

“What can I say? Autumn has posion. Sure, she might be different now. But she still has that..aura about her..” She described.

The ginger only grunted before stabbing a straw into her choclate milk.

“Well, I have no idea where she is..” She mummbled.

The ladder had her sandwhich raised to her mouth before pausing. She lowered it slightly as she glowered at her.

“What do you mean?? You didn’t move here?” She questioned.

“Oh no, I’m just here visting Autumn. I’m also living here for a couple months.” She shurgged and took another chug of her milk.

Nari Jeong didn’t say anything for a while before completly setting her sanwhich down and staring at her. One hand held her cheek while the other tapped its fingers in a rythmatically way.

“Living here while the murders are at a peak..that’s sort of risky, don’t you think??” She asked.

Summer couldn’t help but agree. Yeah, it was risky. When Summer gave the driver where she wanted to be dropped off at when she first arived, he made a face.

“Yeah, but you live here too.” She answered before taking a bite out of her own sandwhich.

The long haired blonde leaned forward, fingers digging into her cheek. The mood switched suddenly, it seemed like she was on edge.

“Mm..hey, is something wrong?? You seem..tense..” The former spoke through their mouthful, kind of gross.

Nari sighed deeply and took a long look at the others face. What would they say if she spoke about what she thought was right? She wasn’t a dectective or anything..

But these crimes were unatural, the attacker had to have some mental stuff going on. There’s no way the female across from her did it. Even if she was mentally ill.

This person clearly was driven by motovation, by anger. By greif, by whatever THE FUCK. All of these people..were victims..

And they all went to the same highschool she did.

“Nari?” Summer brought her back.

She couldn’t take it anymore, she had to say it. They could get mad, hell, maybe even give her some crude words.

“I think your sibling is the one causing this murders.”

“…….” As soon as she said that, everything went pitch silent.

It was like both of them stopped breathing, their sandwhich held in their hands froze. Their expression blank as they took this in.

Before..

“What.” They blurted.

It wasn’t a question, it was a demand. A demand for the yellow-nette to explain just exactly what the fuck was going on with her head.

“Yes, I think Autumn Candell is the murder. Surely you’ve noticed it by now, haven’t you?” She contuined, gulping.

The other candell sibling only stared at her with bland eyes. It was like they were going through the possbilties in their head.

“That they’re all people we went to school with??” She finished.

Summer sat the sandwhich down and came dangerously close to Jeong’s face. This made the blue-eyed girl sweat-drop and lean back.

“Look, I don’t know what your fucking problem is. But if this is another fucking joke of an excuse for me to tell somebody more about my sister, I’ll add you to the body count. Stay the fuck away from me and Autumn.” She vemonsly whispered.

As soon as Summer stood up and harshly turned away, the other female grabbed her wrist.

“Summer-Summer!! Please just-just wait a second! The killer might be suffering from some mental illness, like PTSD! It could be anything really, aren’t you concerned?!” She tried to stop her.

The bright eyed girl whipped around and practically tore her arm away from the other. She scowled at glared down at her.

“So your saying Autumn has PTSD, now? I wouldn’t dobut that. But like I said, I want you out of here.” She hissed.

“So Autumn does have PTSD??” The younger whispered.

Green eyes only seemed to fuel with more disgust and irratation. She yelped when hands curled around her shirt, dragging her closer.

“So what if they do?! You gonna’ add that to your insanity theory, huh?? God, your a fucking physco’.” They said before roughly letting go and storming out the door.

Once she got her barrings again, she reached a hand out but she was too late, she always was. She glanced towards the shop owner but they were busy and had headphones on.

“Damnit!” She scowled.

“Nari??” Autumn called out.

The blonde flinched slightly and turned towards her. It hurt looking at her, she was so pretty. You could practically put a halo around her and it would fit right in.

“Ah, yeah what’s up?” She turned her attention to the shorter.

They smiled at her and handed over a box. It was neatly wrapped and had a blue ribbon ontop. She looked up and raised an eyebrow as they nervously laughed.

“Happy brithday..?” They said, a small tint of pink covering their face.

Ah that’s right, it was her brithday, wasn’t it? She grinned and looked at the cat wrapping paper.

“Thanks, I apperiacte it.” She spoke.

They grinned back and leaned forward a little. Nari Jeong couldn’t help but notice the ring on their left hand. A pretty emerlad green.

“Well?! Open it!~” They nudged.

The slightly taller girl only smiled wider and opened it. She blinked a few times before slightly squealing.

“Ah!! No way!! A smiths album?!” She freaked out.

Autumn smiled with her eyes closed and backed away a little. She was happy the other liked her gift. Even if Summer had told her to go with a Cars album.

“You’ like it?” She rytorchically asked.

The yellow-nette held the vinyl album closer to her and innocently smiled.

“I love it so much! How did you know I loved them?” She beamed before leaning forward.

The green eyed girl blinked a few times before tensing and blushing. Her eyes darted anywhere but towards Nari.

“Uhm..lucky guesssss’..???” She drawled out.

“Summer told you, didn’t she.” She deadpanned.

Autumn laughed even more nervously and blushed harder.

“Sorry! You just don’t talk about yourself much!” She apologized.

The other simply shook her head before sitting the vinyl down on her desk. The shorter nervously glanced at it, was she mad??

“Come here..~” She mummbled before grabbing her and leaning down to kiss her cheek.

She pulled away swiftly, grabbing her things and leaving the Candell sibling by herself.

“Ugh..” She groaned, grabbing her own cheeks, annoyed.

Autumn was silent as she sat ontop of the roof. She blacked out again and even more blood was on her clothes. She assumed she was on the rooftop of the old school.

Funnily enough, this was the same place that started everything. All her murders and deaths. She blandly looked down.

Jesus, to think they fell from this height. In the distance you could see lights and buildings blink and wink at you. She scowled and ran a hand through her hair.

Was it just her was she feeling light headed all of the sudden?? The bloody killer decided to get up anyways and swayed before panicking.

“Stop it.” She leaned away from the edge but it felt like she was slipping.

Her breath picked up and her eyes zoned in on the ground. Jesus, was the ground suposed to be looking that close?!

“Stop it stop it..” She breathed.

She scowled and pushed herself to sit down on a bench. Why was it like her body was pushing herself to the ground. Why was it like the rooftop wasn’t straight?!

“Fucking..” She trailed off, leaning her head back.

They flinched when the heard footsteps on the roof. Who exactly?? School was out and no one should be up here.

“There you are..” A raspy voice said, sounding like they had cried.

The ginger immeditally tensed and whipped around. Their eyes searched around frantically before landing on a person. They had blonde hair and big eye bags.

“What are you doing?” The voice asked again.

Autumn swiftly stood up, body still facing the person.

“Better question, what are YOU doing?” She repeated, bitterly.

They laughed a little more before sighing, they came a little closer. The orange-nette squinted before pausing.

“Nari Jeong?!” She blurted out.

The long haired other female smiled in relief. Yeah, it was her. She didn’t know exactly how she ended up here. Maybe to reminse.

“I didn’t actually think you’d be here..consdering and all..” She trailed off.

Autumn scoffed and backed away a little more. The ocean eyed other looked a little worried.

“I’m not scared.” She spat.

And true, she didn’t look scared. No, she looked angry. She looked frustrated and annoyed.

“Just..WHY are YOU here?!..” They tried to yell but it cancelled out at some points.

Nari Jeong frowned and looked away. She should’ve knew better, that they were angry. They were frustrated and tired.

“I know you killed them, Autumn..” She mummbled.

A gust of wind blew by, blocking her from seeing their face as their hair blew infront of it. The blood on their clothes soaked and coated the air with it.

“Can you fucking blame me?” She blandly questioned.

Yes, yes she could.

“Your actually killing-!!” She was cut off by them angrily grabbing their hair.

“SHUT UP!!’ SHUT THE ACTUAL FUCK UP!! LOOK, WHATEVER YOUR TRYING-HA- TO FUCKING DO HERE- ITS NOT WORKING!! YOUR JUST AN ANNOYING CUNT.” She glared.

The taller was geniuley taken aback by the hate in her eyes. It was pure, veomn, hatered. She had enough.

“You’ve always been fucking annoying. What, you about’..you about’ to fucking confess your love for me or something?! Damn right! Because everyyyyyyoneee’ JUST FUCKING LOVES AUTUMN FUCKING CANDELL!! HAHAHAHA-?!” She contuined.

“Instead of being a constant fucking pain in my ass, you could’ve helped! But no-your here! And annoying as fucking EVER.” She hissed, grabbing the ladder by their collar.

The girl stared at her with shaky eyes. Jeong leaned away and paled slightly.

“Stupid.” She simply whispered before pushing her back upright.

The blue eyed girl blinked before furrowing her eye brows. There was something seriously wrong with her..maybe it’s because she didn’t get proper help.

“Autumn, somethings wrong-!” She tried to start.

“What, with me?? Well, no fucking shit Nari! You wouldn’t lose your mind after dying five times over?!” She sarcastically asked.

The female frowned deeper and took a few steps back on her own.

“I..I just want to help..”

“Right. And what good do you think HELP of all things will do?” They quickly replied.

In all honesty, she didn’t know. She was just saying stuff at this point, did they know it?? Probably.

“I…don’t you remeber..?” She stummbled over her words again.

Green pine eyes shifted back and forth in confusion.

“Remeber what?”

“Us! Us, Autumn!” Her voice cracked as she quickly caught them off guard by grabbing their face.

“Hey, Nari!” The ginger grabbed the other girl’s attention swiftly.

“Hm?” She hummed.

She shoved something into her hands, she was tempted to think it was another gift. But when she looked down, it was a coat.

“I’m going up to the roof to meet Micheal, he wanted to talk about something..can you hold this for me??” She explained before leaning forward.

She didn’t seem the way her friends hands twitched or her hands. Nari could only flash a closed eyed smile.

“Sure. I’ll wait for you.” She simply said.

The former breathed out before grinning. She quickly waved bye before heading up to the roof.

When Autumn opened up the gate to the roof, they were greated by their boyfriend in all his glory.

“Ah, there you are my love.” He noticed.

She placed a giddy grin on her face and walked over. They quickly tucked a piece of hair behind their ear before leaning closer, hands behind their back.

“Hey, Micheal! What do you want to talk about-!” They started.

“Nari Jeong.” He cut them off.

The shorter blinked a few times, posture going a little stiff. The dark haired male raised an eyebrow.

“What’s wrong?? You don’t think I’m THAT dense, do you?” He questioned.

She glanced away for a second before furrowong her eyebrows.

“Micheal, what are you talking about? Nari and me are just friends.” She firmly asked.

He only rolled his eyes, scoffing. He leaned back and stuffed his hands into his pockets, looking away aswell.

“She doesn’t seem to think that.” He scoffed.

The younger quickly scowled and came a little closer. Micheal immedtially backed up some, whistling.

“You think I’m cheating?” She whispered.

The taller didn’t answer, eyes darting away. She scoffed out a laugh before running a hand softly through her hair.

“I’m not cheating, Micheal.” She hissed.

The dark eyed male seemed to have enough as he grabbed her shoulders.

“Just shut up, Autumn.” He groaned before kissing her.

The gesture was unwelcome, as they quickly moved back. They narrowed their green eyes at him.

“‘Just shut up, Autumn’?? Who do you think you are?” She angirly questioned.

“Uhm?? Your boyfriend?” He laughed.

She scowled again and took off her headband, undoing her hair. Her emerlad eyes flicked back and forth.

“Your not my boyfriend. Your not acting like the man I fell in love with.” She bit.

The brown eyed male blinked before bursting out in laughter. The ginger took a quick glance behind her before glancing back towards him.

“Uhm!- News flash, darling, men change. I’m not that sweetheart, sappy and somewhat flirty guy you fell in love with!” He sarcastically said before reaching towards her again.

She swiftly moved back again and frowned.

“What’s wrong with you?! Stay away from me!” Her voice cracked.

Why did this hurt? Why did it feel like her heart was breaking in two?? Why was he acting so lustful?!

“Please..stop..” She whispered.

He didn’t, he only came closer. Now both of them were practically on the edge of the roof. There was no gate protecting from one of them falling off.

“Autumn, I love you..you know that, right..?” Micheal asked.

The long haired girl glanced down before quickly back up.

“Do you?” She mummbled.

“Yes.” Air, whipping through her hair.

She was falling, why? She could feel her body lose control as her eyes stared up at the roof she had just been on.

She blinked before screaming. It was too late, her body had flipped around and she was facing the ground now. The ground had never seemed to threatening.

The ground was something to ground you, as it were. But when you crashed into it, it was scary.

They could faintly hear commotion going on, people stopping in place and then..

*CRUNCH, SPLAT*

It was sickening to hear, even to Autumn’s now fading hearing.

“AAAAAAAA-!!!” Multiple people screamed, some running away, some standing shocked.

Their body twitched in reflex, but they closed their eyes. Funnily enough, they didn’t really feel any pain. Rather more then confusion.

Didn’t..didn’t Micheal say..he loved them..?

Ha, shit..their brain was failing them now..

Damnit…

Well, whatever….people would probably mark..mark it as a..suicide or..or something..

And all went silent.

“Stop it, stop it, stop it!!” The now present time girl clutched her hair again.

Nari Jeong took this chance to quickly move her away from the edge. She flinched though when they practically fell over themself, on the ground.

“Get away..get away from me..” She whispered, laying her hands flat on the ground, hair blocking her vison.

“Autumn..hey..” The lighter eyed girl cooed.

The shorter flinched away and dug her nails harshly into the flooring.

“Stop it..” She repeated.

There was nothing Nari Jeong could say or do to bring them back. They were stuck in their own memories. Maybe for a couple minutes, maybe forever.

The blonde bit her lip and looked away. What was she suposed to do?? She could easily end all of this, turn them into the police.

But..

She glanced back towards the Candell sibling and bit harder.

Fucking hell..

She quickly took something out of her bag and wrote something down on a small piece of paper. She carefully slid it underneath the other female.

Through her haze of mind, and well, tears, Autumn’s breath hitched. A pale hand right out of the corner of her eye slid her something. It fell right under her chest and she looked down.

‘Hi, my name’s Nari Jeong! What’s your name?’

—

END

(WOOO EAT MY ASSSS)

[adrianicsea]

this might be a weird question but how do you stay motivated with writing your fics? theres so many fics that I desperately want to write but I have so much trouble staying motivated, so how do you do that? Love your blog also❤️

hey there!! not a weird question at all :) i’ve struggled a LOT with writing motivation over the years— it’s a miracle i got the grades i did in college, i was a notorious essay procrastinator. there’s not really One Solid Thing i can point to for my recent success in staying on top of writing, but these are all things that have helped:

having dedicated writing time/a schedule! even if it’s just a few minutes a day, telling yourself that you’re going to sit for X time with the purpose of working on your project helps. (i will readily admit that i’m lucky here— i work in an office setting, where i spend a lot of my time in a cubicle with not a lot to do BUT write)

on that note, not all writing time needs to be spent actually physically drafting. outlining stuff counts too! using sleeping with ghosts as an example— typically, i can get out one chapter in the span of one work week. the first couple days are spent outlining in a bullet-point list what’s gonna happen in the chapter, and then the next day or two is spent physically writing it.

now, i am NOT someone who typically likes to outline. but i promise promise PROMISE that outlining will make it easier to write your project, be it big or small. a problem i’ve always run into is having a vague idea of my overarching plot, with ideas for plot beats/scenes here and there... and then no idea of how to connect those beats, or how to get from point A to point B. OR, i’ll have too MANY ideas for directions that a plot can take, and then i get choice paralysis and write nothing. but if i start with that vague outline, and then “zoom in” on a small part of it and hammer out the full details into a play-by-play outline of the chapter, it helps me get stuff written!

if that sort of choice paralysis is something you also have issue with, i’ve found a lot of success with doing flowcharts to help you decide what direction to take the story. i’ll use swg as an example— the latest chapter ended with lawrence and adam learning that the jigsaw killer has been captured via a news report on the tv, and i’ve been having a bit of a block deciding what happens next. so i sat down and started a flowchart, with the first point being the news report. what COULD happen next? the boys COULD stay home and celebrate, assuming they’re in the clear, going so far as to destroy the evidence wall. they COULD buckle down and keep doing research/theorycrafting anyways, unconvinced the police will actually be able to bring jigsaw into custody. they COULD head to the steel mill themselves, either to investigate or just to watch. they COULD get a surprise visit from alison to check on lawrence! i listed all of those options and some more, then asked myself— what’s the consequence, or the logical next step, in each of those scenarios? i wrote those out too. eventually, as i did this, i saw certain threads come to dead ends, where they either didn’t work towards the ongoing plot/ending i have in mind, or they just stopped sounding plausible or interesting to write/read about. as i worked on the flowchart, though, i also noticed which threads made me excited to think about, and which ones went further down the page. eventually, by doing this, i figured out the events that i want to take place in the chapter!! i REALLY recommend this technique if you have trouble committing to a direction on a story.

getting away from craft discussion and back to general advice— if you have any writerly-inclined friends, talking to them can be a great help! if you’ve both got projects going on, it’s a lot of fun to take turns listening to each other’s ideas, or talking through blocks. it’s also just fun and mutually encouraging to hype each other up!!

taking care of yourself is WAY more important than having a consistent schedule or word output— learned this one the hard way! if you feel dread and not excitement every time you approach the proverbial typewriter, you’re not gonna have fun writing, and you’re not gonna wanna come back to it!! there’s no shame in taking a break. if you WANT, you can use the break time to research or work on inspirational stuff for your project (art, graphics, playlists, etc), or you can read things and look for techniques and other things that inspire you. but even then, treating Everything you do as work/a prereq for your writing can get tiring. you’re a whole person, not just a writer! it’s okay to let the writer rest so the person can hang out and enjoy things.

that’s about all that’s coming to mind right now— sorry, i know this got a little longwinded! but i hope this was helpful, and if you’ve got any further questions or anything, please feel free to hit me up. my degree is in english and i truly genuinely get a kick out of talking shop (writing) with people!

[atmilliways]

On the 11th day of Dethmas this writer gives to thee…

Dec 23 - Home (or alone) for the holidays

Toki is totally not lonely because his bandmates forgot about him, and Magnus is totally not guilty about rolling with it to sate his own curiosities.

Like Kevin McCallister, it wasn't like Toki tried to get left behind . . . but he's not entirely mad about it, either.

Anyway, this is my first Magnus/Toki fic, so, hmm.

~

Mordhome Alone

“So,” Magnus said as he crossed the threshold. “This is the famous Mordhaus.”

“Yeah, isn’t it cools?” Toki enthused as he ushered the older man inside. 

It certainly was a step up from the crappy apartment they’d had back when Magnus was still in Dethklok. For one thing, he never could’ve broken in to paint REVENGE IS COMING on the walls here. He’d counted at least eleven snipers that he could see on the way in, and knowing both the band’s reputation for over the top security measures and the limitations of his one good eye, probably at least double that number that he hadn’t noticed. If he weren’t here by Toki’s express invitation, he’d be so many different kinds of dead right now. 

He didn’t need any recon inside this place for The Plan—it would never work to pull anything there, not with so much security in every nook and cranny. But he’d always been curious, so here he was. 

“And none of the other guys are here?” Magnus pressed, still looking around. Fuck, this place was huge. (This could have been his.) “Not even Offdensen?”

“Nah,” Toki replied offhandedly, “they thoughts I was on the plane and tooks offs withouts me to goes on a ski trip, ands now they’re stucks in a blizzards. They can’t gets back and I can’t goes theres. So, I calls you!”

Without any warning that Magnus had picked up on, Toki reached out and grabbed his hand. It wasn’t like he threaded their fingers together or anything, but the surprise connection was more than Magnus felt comfortable with, an uncomfortable feeling in his gut that he wasn’t used to at all and had no idea how to label. (He didn’t do guilt; he didn’t do ‘cowed by how open and naively friendly someone was unexpectedly being’ either. It was definitely, one hundred percent neither of those things.)

“Come ons, I shows you around!”

The young guitarist pulled him from room to room, chattering nonstop. It was annoying in an informative, easy to tune out the rambling bits sort of way. This was the room where Dethklok hung out and played video games, this was the room where they hung out to watch tv and eat snacks, this was the room where they hung out in a surprisingly small hot tub for five male billionaires who didn’t seem to like each other’s company that much, this was the cavernous kitchen that they frequented when they wanted more snacks or possibly even a meal. It was endless and irritating, and Magnus didn’t actually want to spend a ton of time with this babbling idiot, but he reminded himself that this was all part of The Plan and sullenly continued to let himself be dragged around and shown all the shit that he could have had, but didn’t. 

He did ask for a drink, though, to blunt the edges. Toki gestured to someone in his blind spot, and moments later a cold beer was handed to him by a hooded servant. 

“And this ams my room,” Toki told him proudly, tugging Magnus into . . . the smallest room he had seen yet. It was basically a stone box with an on-suite. Model airplanes hung from the ceiling, action figures crowded the edges of his bookshelf, and the desk was piled with unfinished projects and puzzles and crap. One of the pictures hanging on the wall over the narrow bed and beneath a double-sided battle axe was an early promo shot of the band, and another was a close-up of some scary zombie-looking asshole’s face, maybe a relative or something. The rest of the walls were mostly just decorated with taped up posters of boats, planets, and sharks. 

“This?” Magnus repeated. “Seriously? You have . . . and entire fucking mansion that’s tricked out with all kinds of cool shit, but this is your room.”

If it had been him, he’d have his own arcade, giant tv, and hot tub in his room, so he could do all those things on his own if he wanted to. Plus a bitching sound system. Plus bigass windows to let some actual fucking light in. Plus . . . god, was that bed from IKEA or something? Was all of this from IKEA? Riches were wasted on this kid, Magnus decided scornfully. He had no idea how to appreciate what he had at his fingertips. 

Toki shrugged. “I gots all the rest of the place if I wants that other stuff, so this ams just all stuffs I mades by myself. Evens the desk, I puts that together. Just Toki’s.” He met Magnus’ incredulous look with a sudden grin and squeezed his hand. “Comes on, let’s go back to the others room and watch a movies!”

~

It wasn’t until halfway through the movie that Magnus wasn’t even paying attention to—he was looking around and trying to appraise the cost and potential EBay value of anything he saw that wasn’t nailed down and small enough to fit in his pocket—that he realized Toki kept scooting closer to him on the couch. That, after all the hand holding, finally started to set off alarm bells. 

Did the poor simple bastard have some sort of crush on him or something? How embarrassing. So embarrassing that he couldn’t decide if he wanted to try and snap a picture to sell to some gossip rags later or not. 

That was totally why he felt weird and jumpy, and only more so once Toki had inched close enough to rest his head on Magnus’ shoulder. A weird, warm, hyper-awareness bloomed anywhere Toki touched him—first his shoulder, then his side, then (Magnus absolutely did not gulp when this happened) his thigh. He had to wrestle down the impulse to start bouncing that leg restlessly, because he didn’t dare shake him off and potentially ruin The Plan. 

So he stayed still. And the thing about the warmth was that Toki was just radiating with it, and the longer he was so close the more it spread. Magnus felt as though he might incandesce at any moment and he fucking hated every second of it. 

He tried directing his attention to the tv and remembered it was December, so Toki had picked a Christmas movie at random. On the giant screen, Sarah Jessica Parker was covered in egg and screaming in a kitchen. Not the best distraction ever. 

“Needs anything?” Toki asked casually, as if everything was just fine and dandy, apparently somehow not noticing that Magnus was on the verge of starting to worry he might have a heart attack. 

“No,” Magnus grunted. A way out would be great, thanks. He remembered he still had a beer in one hand (his fourth or fifth, at this point) and raised his unencumbered arm to glug the rest of it down. 

“You sures?” Toki pressed, looking up at him with guileless eyes. 

Shaking the last few drops out and tossing the bottle down the couch, Magnus started to say Another drink, something stronger this time, but he couldn’t. Toki’s lips pressed warmly, nervously against his, kissing away the aftertaste of beer. 

He had not come prepared for this. 

He didn’t even need to be here, it wasn’t necessary to The Plan. 

Toki was too goddamned nice, inviting him here and showing him around like he genuinely wasn’t a threat, like he was someone Toki actually enjoyed being around. (Magnus thought pretty highly of himself, but even he had to admit that most people didn’t ever appreciate his presence. Or if they did it, usually wasn’t for this long. Jealous douchebags, that’s all they were, the whole fucking human race.) 

Magnus took it anyway. Fuck it, why not? It had been one thing when he was still in his twenties or thirties, hot in a rough-and-tumble bad-boy musician way, getting his share of action after playing a gig at some nothing bar, but at his age and painful lack of fame and fortune, to have anyone this young and ripped pressed up against him was a rare occurrence. He was taking the kiss out of spite, he told himself, and gave back as good as he got. 

Surely he wouldn’t regret this later. 

Toki sighed against his mouth, bright blue eyes fluttering open. “Thanks you, Magnus.”

“Uh.” Magnus fought against instinctively grimacing at the thanks, which he wasn’t used to. He licked absently at his lip, not realizing he was doing so until the tip of his tongue brushed Toki’s lip too and made the other man giggle. Fucking giggle. “For what?”

“For beings here,” Toki told him. “Is nice to nots be alones on Christmas, don’ts you thinks?”

Magnus wanted to say he’d ever particularly noticed Christmas one way or the other before, but for some reason it (the lie) stuck in his throat. “. . . Yeah, I guess.”

Something in Toki’s eyes shifted and he suddenly looked . . . he looked lonely, as familiar a sight as though Magnus was recognizing it in a mirror (which he definitely never did). He wondered what Toki was gunning for here—a friend with benefits, or something more than that? 

Something ‘just Toki’s,’ a little holiday closeness with someone he thought actually cared?

(That thought didn’t make Magnus feel like a two-bit white masquerading as something better, not even a little bit.)

“You wants to sees my room agains?” Toki whispered?

On the tv, sappy holiday ambiance music played as the movie went out of its way to establish that everyone was friendly and happy and appropriately paired up now, all two-by-two sheep marching into Noah’s ark before the winter flood. 

“Sure,” Magnus said. 

He wasn’t a sheep, he told himself, it had just been too long since he’d last gotten laid. 

Christmas had nothing whatsoever to do with it.

[cryptvokeeper]

What's your full opinion on midnight gospel?

man thats just asking for a whole ass rant isnt it. Props to you though bea, you always know just what to ask that is literally the most validating.

The animation is gorgeous, of course. The style is so so beautiful and I really cannot think of anything to compare it to. Sorta vaporware, early internet blog type style. but even that is relative because each world is so unique in its visual design, it's amazing. You get a really clear idea of these worlds in the twenty minutes you spend in each, almost entirely through the visuals. It all feels very thought genuine.

anyway when I first started it I thought it was pretentious as shit. the topics Clancy and his guests discuss are all really heavy topics on meditation, philosophy, life-death-and-the-universe type stuff. It gives a very stoner white guy talking about buddhism vibe. At the same time though these people he talks to aren't idiots. All the guests he interviews aren't just written characters, theyre actual interviews with people that have been set to animation. He very clearly speaks to experts on the things he talks about, as much was anyone can be an expert on things like magic and meditation and life and death. But then thats a whole new hurdle because its not just pretentious bullshit, its smart pretentious bullshit and you listen to it and you feel like an idiot! they were referencing books and thinkers I had no clue who they were. its all just very dense.

My friend called it a stream of consciousness show, and im inclined to agree. I dont like that style of storytelling though, so I was really just holding out for the bits of actual connective story tissue at the start and end of each episode, because there are some good story threads there! you want to know whats going on that got Clancy here in the first place, you want to know why so many worlds are dying out, theres sort of a feeling it'll build to something greater.

spoiler; it doesnt. and thats okay

The first time I really connected with the show wasn't until episode six but when I did it was really good. in every way, this is the episode that pulls back the curtain. Like, all media is preachy, ok? Thats the unspoken agreement you make with a creator of a show or book or whatever when you sit down to consume it; you open yourself up to being talked at, and the story’s job is to be entertaining enough that you dont notice youre being talked at. mileage may vary depending on the audience or. the media on how preached to you feel and how much you can tolerate. my point is though, that for me, episode six is the first time during the series I felt like the people preaching at me hopped off the stage and met me on my level. It was like they sat in the audience with me and went ‘hey bud, how do you think the shows going so far?’

This is also the point where all that connective tissue I was talking about comes together. And, it turns out, its not all that big a payoff, but you dont even mind that because A) it gives these characters a goddamn break which is what Clancy deserves and B) you dont need a big plot payoff because you get a big emotional payoff. Stream of consciousness payoff, as much as a stream of consciousness can have a payoff. catharsis.

And then those last three eps, god. It was the perfect combo of coming off the high horse and finally talking about topics I understood. Things that applied to me, not that the rest of the show couldn't apply to me, the whole show is pretty universally applicable stuff. but this kept up the trend of things being talked about on my level. and the last episode? I won't spoil it here but that last episode was everything. it made me cry, but like the good kind of cry that lets everything out and leaves you feeling relieved. For me it was because I could relate to what happened to Clancy (not directly, thank god, but I had a fresh hurt that that conversation really helped with) but I think that even if you cant relate. at all, just being someone who watched the show and got invested in the characters, that episode will pull at the heartstrings. And really this is the big strength of the stream of conciseness format, and of the ‘live’ guests is that you get such genuine conversations and emotions. As I writer this is the sort of thing I dream of being able to convert through planned written works.

tldr I liked it and will very likely be watching it again to actually try and untangle everything the characters are saying, and also whenever I need to get outside my own head for a bit. its a very cathartic show once you get past the pure density of it. I really do recommend it

[dear-space-cadet]

al horford sleeper agent

—————

anyway by now ive told basically everyone i care about but i had a life changing experience over the weekend. n it sounds dumb as shit but i met a real life dude who was basically a clone of nick from franz. weird hours. guess this is a thread

before we start i want to say i havent thought about franz in weeks. theyve gone away on their own finally but really i think my old obsessions just get replaced every few years and maybe it was my hard work in therapy or my new obsession with rap or

maybe it was just a realization or me growing up and maturing or something but i dont even want to work on my favorite fanfics anymore or anything. it’s just odd. i think im changing

and i don’t think about how my former favorite band members are doing or worry about them or check their socials n it feels really good. but i know there probably is or probably will be a replacement

ok that was a tangent. if they were replaced by anything they were replaced by new friends and the NBA. so there’s the exposition of this story sorted

anyway back to the weekend. the sleeper agent invited me to lunch. and that was the catalyst. god people are being so loud in here let me go to the art library

anyway i just kind of realized "huh i guess there's more out there." i went to lunch n shit. WE went to lunch n shit. stopped caring so much about my math homework. let myself be dumb and in love

that’s a very human thing. lunch. he spilled his stupid chipotle burrito all over his stupid bright green celtics jacket

he’s from italy. never even stepped foot in a chipotle. immediately clowned himself. some world we live in

we hung out all weekend. we went to lunch like two more times and we went to dinner. there was this big threat of leaving looming over my head the whole time. i made him walk like a mile on crutches and i feel very bad about it

i don’t know what’s wrong with him. it’s somewhere between a basketball injury and a chronic disability. either way that just made me feel even more emotionally attached to him. i never saw him without the celtics jacket

it was so cold that weekend. or maybe i just didn’t bring the right jacket. if he were a gentleman he would have offered me the celtics jacket. i didnt even hug him goodbye

and then of course he went back home. theres a million girls all over his instagram comments all the time. theres nothing special about me. he doesn't want to talk. i wrote my ap psych notes in green yesterday bc i was so in love with that stupid celtics jacket

im a sixers fan. the sixers and the celtics have been rivals forever. it was about to be war, except i want to move to boston. but really i want to move to dc. i wish the whole world was philly. things would be less complicated

im in love with a celtics jacket. a celtics jacket. of all teams. and i cant even talk to my basketball friends about it because they think im dumb shit for falling for some celtics fan with a million girls all over his instagram comments all the time

im not like those girls. i don’t think im like those girls. but i definitely exactly am

i have an economics test in fifteen minutes. i think one day ill drown in the atlantic ocean.

the test wasnt that bad. i thought about writing this the entire time. i would just zone out and stare and think about the phrase ‘al horford sleeper agent’

because he has to be. why else would someone put a diehard sixers fan right in front of a diehard celtics fan who looks exactly like the guitarist of their middle school favorite band

in reality i should be calling him a celtics sleeper agent because the whole point is that al horford is a sleeper agent for the celtics. but i hate al horford so i guess it’s more funny to include him in the title

i mean how can one player change so drastically like that? al horford was benched for the first time since his rookie season, like, two weeks ago after being traded to the sixers. how does that happen? why *wouldn’t* he be playing badly so his old friends win the title?

al horford’s gotta be retiring in like, three years, tops. he’s working for the celtics, i know it. and my sleeper agent is trying to convert me to a celtics fan

i understand why people make jokes, though. it’s a very human thing to want to go home. al horford just wants to go home. he lived in boston for however many years let me look it up

god whatever it was only three years i thought it was like eleven that just ruined my point

back to the matter at hand though that’s all we’re trying to do. we all just want to feel at home. we’re all just these little things trying to connect somehow. sometimes we are more desperate than others

i think im pretty desperate right now. sometimes i sit in my bedroom and im like damn when do i get to go home? but im home

i didn’t even want to leave dc. it was all star break and there wasn’t even basketball on. so there i was, in basketball purgatory, wizards territory for some god forsaken reason, losing sleep over a celtics fan and not wanting to go home

and when i say i was losing sleep you better believe me. i was so excited to wake up in the morning that i didn’t want to fall asleep. i wanted to be awake forever, endless, running through the city

i’ll get there soon enough. it’ll be with different people. college, yknow. all that. but sometimes i feel like certain things can’t be replaced.

and im acting like a different person lately. im using my phone at red lights just so i can check for a message from the sleeper agent. it’s always one word responses

yes. ok. maybe. some shit like that. a haha every once in a while. he’s not interested and i should stop trying

and then, INEVITABLY, i send something stupid back, a photo of my hand on the wheel or something, and i get left on read

and i know im stupid for it. everyone i know is screaming at me “disco, you’re dumb shit” but i just want to believe for a minute that im loved, im special

I want to feel like someone out there cares about me that isn’t obligated to, yknow? my mom can say she loves me all she wants but it doesn’t feel as good as some italian celtics fan saying it

some hot italian celtics fan mind you

even if he wasn’t hot or italian it would be nice. and actually it would be better if he liked like, ANY other basketball team

except maybe the knicks

but whatever. main point: i know im dumb shit and should stop trying. but it feels good to feel like if i keep trying maybe i’ll be wanted

sleeper agent is just one of those people tho. he’s magnetic and everyone always wants to be around him. dumb as hell in the most charming way ever. my friends are still all making fun of me

i started crying in a pizza place the other night because even the CONCEPT of italy sent me over the edge. i need to stop before i

wait what’s the word

i need to stop before i immortalize him? no, no

i need to stop before i deify him. soon enough he’s going to be a new canonical character in my head and i’ll start making up legends and stories to myself

we barely knew each other. if i deify him i’ll start telling people he offered me the celtics jacket when it was cold out. he’ll become a perfect gentleman. and he wasnt. he was just some stupid hot italian boy in a bright green jacket

im not going to deify him. it won’t happen. but i love the color green. i always say i love yellow more but i think that’s passed. i wear a green ring on my right ring finger every day. im not going to deify him and i still hate the celtics

overall, the celtics are winning the rivalry. i don’t think the sixers have ever truly been “great,” at least outside of philly. maybe allen iverson. wilt chamberlain. dr j? theyve never had like, a dynasty. idk. i don’t think you’d be able to get a sixers jacket in italy.

it’s his birthday today. i should probably text him. i should probably stop thinking about him. that’s just dumb shit, disco youre better than this what happened to a little self confidence every now and again

sure lets say external validation isnt necessary but also i think that’s something the mindfulness crowd made up to sell more planners and tote bags in 2011. it feels good to be wanted

never waste all your time on it sure. know youre still worth it even when you have no friends and there are a million girls all over his instagram comments. but it does feel good to hear “goodness disco i like how much you like the philadelphia 76ers”

my friends are all making fun of me for being on some romeo and juliet shit because he’s literally from verona and he’s a celtics fan and im a sixers fan god damn it disco why does this always happen

i never even read romeo and juliet but i saw the dreamworks adaptation so i guess ive got the story relatively right i know they die in the end. the gnomes shatter into little pieces i think

anyway tangents aside the sixers won tonight. philly is lit up green. why the hell is philly lit up green? the eagles were done like three months ago and the flyers are orange. why is philly lit up green

oh god, he just snapped me. a zoomed in photo of himself with caption that says “76ers” with like five exclamation points

here we go again, everybody

wish me luck

[hohcs]

do you have any season 14 predictions? i'm on desktop but imagine theres an eyes emoji here

I don’t have anything specific but.... I do have some vague ideas!!

- I’ve mentioned this before but s12 was clearly ramping up for some kind of arc with Dennis. They laid a lot of groundwork that had to be neglected with Glenn’s absence, but now that he’s back full time (and directing!) I think they’ll pick up those threads again

- specifically, the things I think and hope will be explored more are Dennis’s relationship with mac (even beyond the romantic angle— their relationship has changed a lot. Dennis keeps saying he hates Mac but s12 seemed like it was trying to tell us otherwise), why it is he’s essentially stopped pursuing women in the last few seasons, his image of the man he should be that was brought up in new wheels, and in general his declining mental health.

- I think Charlie’s drinking bubble tea in one still that was posted. I don’t have any more predictions about that I just think the idea of Charlie drinking bubble tea is really funny.

- after the bed pic I think it’s unavoidable that something will happen in Mac and Dennis’s relationship. Whether or not this is them getting together I think that Mac’s feelings absolutely need to be addressed and there will be some sort of shift. Hopefully they’ll acknowledge how far they’ve drifted and why that is.

- this is more of a wish than a prediction but I would really like for dee to be further explored as a character 🙃 the loose foundation is there but rcg keep failing to build on her as much as they have the other characters.

- I legitimately don’t think what happened in ND will be explored much. It seems to me that rcg regret sending him there and want to move on from it as much as possible.

- If I remember correctly the word “bomb” could be seen in the writing board in the background of the pic Megan ganz posted? I think this is probably connected to the picture of Jackie denardo standing outside of paddy’s with police cars.

- I think that they’ll likely dissolve Charlie and the waitress’s relationship so as to give a kind of soft reset on their dynamic and Charlie’s character

- the gang dines out ....... 2! Callback episodes are always used to explore shifted character dynamics (like Mac trying to kiss dennis in the gang recycles their trash) and I think this will do the same. Considering the nature of Mac and Dennis’s relationship in the gang dines out it feels to me that this episode will involve some kind of reflection on Mac and Dennis’s relationship and/or Dennis’s reaction to Mac dating someone that isn’t him now that he’s out and proud.

[lunarplutonian]

PLUTO ASPECTS IN SYNASTRY

I noticed long time ago that Pluto was romanticized in tumblr astrology, much like Scorpio. I don’t really know whether that comes from the lack of life experience with Plutonic relationships or simply because of humans’ need to feel something deeply, strong and transformative, but whatever Pluto touches it is never easy to handle, even if the aspects are ‘positive’ or ‘lighter’. If you were born with lots of aspect of your personal planets to Pluto, you’ll know what I’m talking about. The need to merge with the Universe, to chew the soul and spit it out, that is Plutonian trait and the process, although deeply transformative and definitely full of potential for growth, hurts like open wound. Hades, Pluto, the Lord of Underworld, does belong to the myth of Hell. But the Hell you’ll experience, is within your own being. No, you can get prepared. Yes, it will scar you for life.

But that is, ultimately, the reminder of growth.

I’ll write here only about Pluto’s aspects to personal planets, because Pluto, Neptune and Uranus are generational planets and their mutual contacts have more impact on the collective and mundane level rather than personal.

So, if your or your partner’s Pluto creates an aspect to the other person’s personal planet(s), you’ll most likely feel that energy deeply and it can even become obsessive in some cases. But who is ‘the obsessed’ one? The answer is - both people. But make no mistake .Pluto person always calls the shots, although it can seem - especially if planets it touches are Mars and Venus - that the other person is the leader of the game. And the game it is,

PLUTO - SUN ASPECTS (conjunction, trine, sextile, square, opposition)

The attraction is immediate and the Pluto person is the one who seems ‘magnetic’ to the Sun person. Pluto loves the light of the Sun person but it admires it as a spectator. They are drawn to each other and Pluto will let the Sun person - especially if Sun is in dignified position - to express their personality and will play at their pace. But to a degree. What Pluto wants is power and when they decide that the Sun person has had enough space to play, they’ll grab them and suck them into their world. This connection can be highly productive if we talk about trine or sextile, because it helps both people explore their strong points. With square, it can turn into a battle of egos - Sun will try to get it their own way - and fail eventually, because Pluto doesn’t do ego. It deals with the essence of one’s being. This type of synastry doesn’t necessarily have to be between the lovers, but all sorts of life partnerships. They can even seem to ‘hate’ each other but in reality, they can create miracles when their power is united. In case of conjunction it can go both ways, depending how ‘healthy’ the Sun is. The Dark and Light, the Sky and the Underworld, they merge together and both sides have lots of going on - this is one of the most powerful synastry connections in my experience.

PLUTO - MOON ASPECTS

Gentle nature of the Moon ‘stands no chance’ if the native’s Moon squares their partner’s Pluto. It’s not restriction, it’s pure fear. Can it survive? Of course it can, but the battle here is more on a subconscious level. The Moon person feels the energy of Pluto almost at a physical level, it disturbs its peace, it creates floods and droughts in their soul. They are thirsty for Pluto’s love, but with every drop they get more and more overwhelmed. It takes the whole chart to see how two people work together of course, but with harsh aspects of Moon to Pluto, the struggle is inevitable. Trines and sextiles create powerful emotional bond and somehow ‘karmic’ feeling even if that’s not the case. The intensity is what they both desire, it is what they will get even if their relationship does not translate onto the physical level. They will breathe together if Pluto person decides it’s what they want from the Moon person, they will not be separated easily. But the bond is real and the two can form some sort of ‘sanctuary’ with each other.

PLUTO - VENUS ASPECTS

Oh, the thunder in your bones. The sound of storm in your mind. Pluto person HAS to touch the Venus person, they have to OWN them. Sexual attraction is so strong that it can be felt and it’s palpable. It’s a game they both willingly play, Venus pushing Pluto away (in case of square of opposition), Pluto coming back every single time, even if the whole life and years of separation are between them. If they get into a physical relationship, it’s the one they’ll remember their whole life. There’s nothing casual about it. It’s all or nothing, it’s the blood-boiling, mind-fogging, ‘I’ll die for you’ type of connection. It’s not for everybody and some dark, even violent stuff can happen (I’m NOT saying they will, it’s just that sometimes they do) Venus person is a slave to Pluto’s desire, but they both want that contact deeply.It can be the most rewarding or most soul-destroying experience of their lives. But you can’t ignore it. I’ve noticed that many of these relationships are connected with some sort of taboo - but attraction is so strong that nothing can hold the two people back, not all the red flags in the world. If you’re one of the lucky - or miserable ones -who had the chance to feel this type of synastry, you’ll get immediately what I’m talking about. You want each other on such deep level that it can’t be transformed into words.

PLUTO -MARS ASPECTS

Battle of the titans. In case of trines or sextiles, both people feel empowered and strongly driven to one another. Their goals become one, their desires and passion are in sync. If we’re talking about squares or opposition, it can go from zero to 100 very quickly. Again, if sex is involved -and with Pluto it often is - it can be mind-blowing. But many people who are not in sexual relationship have this aspects between their Pluto and Mars and there is always some sort of battle going on. Mars wants things NOW, Pluto wants them REAL. Thread carefully here. Power is one thing, strength can come from all parts of human nature.

What if you have more than one, or mutual Pluto - inner planet aspects? What can I tell you, you’ve probably realized it yourself by now - you won’t let go of that person easily. The only advice I can give is - don’t resist. Try to observe and act accordingly. And no, you are not doomed. This, like everything else in your chart, is a blessing if you’re willing to keep your eyes open and mind clear (as much as possible)

[mastrrt]

Me just trying to predict things Kung Fu Panda 4

Predicting the villain:

This is just some common sense stuff but I’ll say it anyways.

For species it’ll most likely be another animal native to China. Most likely not a feline, bird or bull since it would draw parallels to prior villains.

The main enemy will probably be female, as to break the series of male villains. They’ve done it to Shrek, with fairy godmother.

Dreamworks said, during the creation of Kai, “He cant go brawler, since Tai Lung was brawler. He cant go smarter, since Shen was smarter. Where can we go? You have to go supernatural, bigger, and even more intimidating.” Just like the Averngers franchise, there’s a constant law placed where the villains must get progressively stronger the more the series progresses. Without the villain getting stronger, there’s no conflict —or at least not enough conflict to top the lmovie before it. The villain in Kung Fu Panda 4 must be at least different from the other three villains, or attains two out of the three assets that make up for prior villains. For example, the villain can be both smart and supernatural. Or be a brawler and a smarty. I think particularly for this one, the villain would need to have supreme authority and immanent or supernatural powers. While Kai worked in solidarity in terms of mind, it might be possible that the next villain might actually be villains with one superior guiding over them (the main enemy Po will fight). A regime-styled cooperation, with a leader. Each person in the group is bound to have a one on one against one of the Furious Five. This way, the group can actually do something without compromising the relevance of Po since he’s still the one who’ll defeat the main villain.

In this light, what might be the conflict?

The problem is that Po is nearly a perfect character. Oogway said it himself: he is both sides of the ying and yang. To reach such equilibrium, the soul must be stable, and Po would have been ridden of all evil (check my mirror of yin and yang theory out if you havent already pls). This means that Po would have to break pretty darn bad on the next movie. Every story has a scene where it shows a character’s breaking point. But to break a character who’s both sides of the yin and yang... well, that character would have to put through a lot of hell. That’s why I believe someone’s gonna die in the fourth movie [insert Mr. Ping], or someone’s gonna be temporarily taken away from Po [insert Tigress]. And here’s another thing: the first movie is about body, the second is about mind, and the third is about spirit. What’s left? The heart.

So... these are the core factors that make a human. Flesh is where the soul lives. Mind and heart is what makes a person. You know what heart means? Love. You what love mean? Either romance or family. Now the third movie was already a little bit about family, so does that means theres a little, you know, romance? You know. A certain Tigress that can make Po master the concept of heart. 😏 but in reality, I don’t think drreamworks will make Tigress hostage. It’s not enough catalyst for Po to break, unless they make it seem like Tigress died. And I just cant see it either... too cliche for a story so anticipated. It’ll make sense of Mr Ping would die.

It doesn’t necessarily mean someone’s gonna die though. But the internal conflict must have magnitude near beyond repair, and will damage his heart more than anything else.

What’s the settings?

They always try to change the settings. Valley of Peace. Then to Gongmen. Then to Panda Village. The valley was more a traditional chinese suburb of sorts. Gongmen was an industrial, probaby tech-savvy city. And the panda village was a playground. This one is unpredictable. They might start the movie of at the panda village instead of the valley (which is sad); they took the thousand mile bridge to Mongolia, so the panda village may border Mongolia. And that may mean they’ll travel upwards to the bordering country.

Will the movie fail?

The movie has been delayed till 2020. All three movies have above 80% in Rotten Tomatoes, which is extremely high for the website.

Shrek 3 was rated 48%, which is nearly half of the rating it earned in shrek 2 (89% —ok, not really nearly half but it’s a major dip!) Kung Fu Panda 3 was actually rated higher than KFP 2, which bodes well on the series’ consistency. Luckily (and unfortunately for dreamworks) this high rating perpetuates the pressure of making better kfp movies, to keep all the KFP movies clean And untarnished, to finish strong and not to taper at the end in quality like Shrek. They had four years to work on it. So we’re just sitting here pretty. Financially, the series is doing phenomenal.

But something else worries me. KFP 3 was waaaay to kid friendly for the series. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a childrens show. But a dark underlying plot lay deep in both 1 and 2. Heck. Kfp 1, Shifu lost a child. In kfp 2, implications of genocide. It seems kfp 3s light heartedness was a reimbursement for the darkness they placed in kfp 2. Hopefully, this big bane of appealing to the younger audience won’t negatively affect the deepness and the plot of the fourth movie. But with panda kids, with dim and sum, with mei mei, and with ling or whatever panda father Po has, I think that won’t be the case. If you compare kfp 1 and kfp 3, you could really see a huge difference in tone.

What will happen to the Furious Five:

Them failing after trying to fight the main villain without Po is to repetitive. It seems dreamworks likes it so that Po is the only one who defeats the villain, while the furious five just stands there and lets him skadoosh his way to da top. It’ll be nice, like I said, if they fought a group instead of just one villain. So that everyone has a share if villains, and Po can still take the main villain.

About Shifu and Tigress’s relationship. It’ll Also makes sense if Shifu would pass away, giving Po no choice but to accept full responsibility as the head of the Jade Palace and the teacher of the Furious Five. Or, it’ll also make kind of sense if Tigress is gone temporarily, making Shifu want to spend time with her. If kfp 4 is the last movie then their relationship would be mended. If kfp will really go up to the sixth, then theyll have to prolong the conflict because then there’s really no thread that keeps all the stories connected and make all the stories a one whole story. If they wanted the movies to essentially be a obe whole story, it would make sense if there’s a similar conflict transcending all films and wrapping at the end. With the rise of new characters, the furious will definitely have less screen time. ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️😠😠😡😞🙃

Anyways, these are just my predictions. What do you guys think would happen?

[thefatlannister]

do you think they’ll come back to the whole “how’d you do it” convo with bellamy and clarke and he’ll find out about how she radioed him everyday? or do you think that was that cus it felt like a good place for her to tell him but she was also like yeet when an emotional aspect to the conversation came up

Well this is the question isn’t it?? I think everyone in the Bellarke fandom is probably asking themselves this right now.

So, I’ve been team “I don’t think they’re going to address the 2199 calls” since the beginning of the season. That’s for a couple of reasons: 1) I’m trying to lower my own expectations lol but mostly 2) Clarke does NOT say Bellamy’s name in 5x01, Eden. She says his name in the call at the end of 4x13, but the writers do not have Clarke SAY BELLAMY’s NAME in 5x01. Now, it’s extremely clear from context that he’s who she’s talking to (”I’m proud of you” + “this would be so much easier if I knew you were alive” + calling her other friends by name). 

So it’s not that I don’t think we’re meant to think Clarke was talking to Bellamy the whole time; it’s that after an 11 month hiatus, if “Clarke radioing Bellamy” was about to become a Big Romantic Catalyst for bellarke, I would expect the writers to really flag it in 5x01 by having Clarke say his name, thus kind of putting a pin in that for the general audience. So, going in to 505, I was very pessimistic about the chances of Clarke’s The Notebook calls to Bellamy ever being relevant again.

BUT THEN

When I was watching this scene, when Bellamy asked, “how did you do it?” I literally froze because - are they really going to go there??? are they really going to have her TELL him that she spoke to him every day?? that the memory of him, his love, his partnership, was what got her through?? Because honestly, between the pause and Eliza’s acting, and the awkward way the scene ended - with the conversation LITERALLY UNFINISHED - that’s how it FEELS. It feels like she was about to tell him that he helped keep her alive, but then she chickened out at the last minute.

Like, idk what the stage directions were, but Eliza’s acting here makes Clarke’s hesitation in response to this question very clear. And if the answer is only and always just “Madi,” what awkwardness is there to be had??? In any sort of just world, this “omission” on Clarke’s part is a set up for her to reveal, down the road, probably when her and Bellamy are embroiled in some sort of angsty conflict, that it was in fact HIM that helped her survive 6 years without a peer on the ground.

Now, I’m also not going to pretend that this show always does what is just lol. They drop threads all the time, and as Bellarke has been building for seasons now, there are several scenes that were seemingly set-ups for later reveals that were pretty much forgotten (2x09 “Love is weakness”/”I was being weak” and 4x06 “Clarke, if we don’t see each other again-” come to mind). However, there are a couple of reasons that I feel like s5 might be the season where these kinds of ~romantic bellarke~ threads actually come home to roost.

One of the reasons I think that is something that a lot of fandom, included myself, has picked up on, which is the relatively muted nature of Bellamy’s reaction to finding out Clarke is alive. Like, the cast and writers have told us until they’re blue in the face that Bellamy is less “heart” than he used to be, less fiery, but there’s a difference between finding balance and like, not having a visible/visceral/conflicted emotional reaction to finding out that, contrary to what you believed, you weren’t responsible for killing your best friend/partner/woman you’re lowkey in love with by proxy. 

Like Bellamy is clearly happy to have Clarke back, but he hasn’t verbalized really ANYTHING about how it feels to have this huge bomb dropped on him after he lived his life for six years in honor of her. After he mourned her and missed her and memorialized her and moved on from her. This omission of a nuanced reaction on Bellamy’s part makes me think either 1) the writers really fucked up and don’t care bout Bellamy/bellarke or 2) They’re saving big relationship-defining angst feelings about the Separation and Reunion for midseason Bellarke angst. Needless to say I’m hoping it’s door #2.

What does that have to do with the truncated fireside chat scene? Well, in my deepest darkest Bellarke wet dream fantasies, they have some blow up fights or angsty as shit moments later this season where all of these omissions and half truths and old wounds get put on the table, subsequently setting fire to the tentative automatic partnership bellarke have fallen back into. Something else that makes me hope we’re in for some knock-down, drag-out emotionally raw air-clearing angst is, of course, the last shot of 505. 

So I don’t know if the show is really going to go full love triangle, and honestly I don’t much care, because THIS SHOT is intentional. Arguably, the shot of Clarke’s reaction to becho kissing is the first objectively nonplatonic framing of bellarke in the show. This shot tells me the show is ready to acknowledge in some way that Bellamy and Clarke’s feelings for each other go beyond platonic partnership. And to me, THAT means the door is open for all their baggage to come home to roost later this season. Because we as a fandom know that if the writers ever had Clarke and Bellamy really fully put all their feelings on the table, there would be no backpedaling into platonic territory. But if they’re willing to frame shots like the one above, I think they might finally be ready to stop just dropping hints and actually follow their own trail of bread crumbs to some MAJOR developments on the bellarke front.

Which brings me back around (finally) to your questions: will Clarke ever tell Bellamy that she called him every day for six years? The short answer is i don’t know!! If we do indeed get some relationship-changing moments between Bellarke, I would say it is highly possible, even likely, because this fact would be such an emotional bombshell for them - for Clarke, because she would essentially be admitting out loud that she loves Bellamy, and for Bellamy because he wouldn’t be able to escape the implications of Clarke staying so intimately connected to him for 6 years while he thought she was DEAD.

And THAT’S why I think Clarke hesitated. Because Clarke had six years to come to terms with the fact that she loves Bellamy, a fact that she was able to work out for herself by “confiding” in him every day. But when Bellamy comes back down, she realizes that she was in love with the Bellamy that LEFT, the Bellamy that has remained static, a ghost at the other end of her radio for six years. But this Bellamy is solid and real and DIFFERENT and, as she finds out at the end of 505, this new Bellamy is someone else’s. This Bellamy has moved on from her in a way that she never did from him. 

So while I’m betting Clarke at the end of 505 was glad she hadn’t spilled the beans about Bellamy being her personal diary for 6 years earlier in the ep, I think it is a Definite Possibility that this fact comes back up at the MOST inconvenient (read: most CONVENIENT, for me) time so that Bellarke can really lean into that fucking angst like I know they want to. *Clarke voice* I still have hope. Here’s to the possibility of emotionally fraught Fights and Reconciliations and Realizations, anon. 

[buttsonthebeach]

The Thread of the Past

@wardsarefunctioning surprised @empresstress13 with a fic commission for Christmas, and Tress delighted me by asking if I would write about a little headcanon of ours! Since we both use Gugu Mbatha-Raw as a face claim for our elf OCs (her Beatrix Tabris, and my Ashara Lavellan), we joked that they must be distant cousins. It even made sense, since Ellana’s parents were city elves before joining Clan Lavellan.

I now present an AU in which Beatrix Tabris goes in search of her long-lost Tabris cousin, Ellana!

My Ko-Fi || My Commissions (I am done with December commissions and taking a small break before January commissions! Keep an eye out for an announcement post when they are open)

Pairing: Background Beatrix Tabris x Leliana, Nehnara Surana x Zevran (both mentioned)

Rating: General

Clan Lavellan was camped in the woods not far from Wycome, and even though Beatrix Tabris had seen other Dalish camps before, her heart still did a flip at the sight of the proud sails of the aravels. It was partly because there was something majestic about them, no matter how many times you saw them, and partly because this visit was to be unlike any of her other visits to Dalish clans. This visit was not for business. She was not coming to Clan Lavellan as the Spymaster of Amaranthine, or as a representative of the Hero of Ferelden.

She was coming to Clan Lavellan to look for family.

Bea had heard the wistful stories often enough from her parents - the cousins who had left the Denerim alienage in search of a better life, heading for the Free Marches. They kept Bea’s parents up to date on their travels at first, but then abruptly fell out of contact right around the time Bea herself was born. Well, accurately speaking, only Ambrós was a Tabris, but obviously his wife Sioni counted too, being married to him and all. Those were the words Adaia Tabris spooled out like thread on nights when she talked about their long lost family, and how she always hoped she could go and find them again someday.

Adaia never made the trip, of course. But Bea was here now, on a crisp fall day, preparing to cross the perimeter of the Dalish camp on a tip she’d gotten in the Ostwick alienage.

“Ambrós and Sioni? No one really knows. They left real sudden. Maybe - twenty-five years ago? Maybe more? They got into some trouble. Turns out the alienage here wasn’t any better than the one in Denerim, go figure. They did say that if they ever left again, it would be to find the Dalish, so I always assumed that’s what happened.”

The hahren’s words led her to another hahren who knew the names of the Dalish clans that roamed the Free Marches, which led her to the first two clans. They had no memory of Ambrós and Sioni, which left Clan Lavellan.

“I would not get my hopes up,” the Keeper of the second clan said. “Ailmar would have still been Keeper in those days, Falon’Din guide his soul. He was many things, but welcoming of flat ears and shemlens he was not. I do not think he would have taken them in. But Deshanna, their new Keeper, might have more to tell you.”

Bea hoped they did have more to say. She had been away from Amaranthine too long. She missed Nehnara, her oldest friend. Ferelden was dangerous now, with the war raging between the mages and templars all of the Hinterlands. She should be out there helping people, gathering information. Maybe seeing Leliana if she was lucky.

Leliana - how she missed the warmth of her skin and the sound of her voice singing by the campfire. Bea hoped she had not gone on this trip for nothing.

And then - there she was. Standing on the steps of an aravel, staring up at an elf who had her father’s eyes.

Deshanna did remember Ambrós and Sioni. She remembered pleading with Ailmar to let them stay with the clan, even though she was only a First at the time. She remembered delivering their baby girl - the first delivery she had ever assisted with, and a difficult one at that, after a difficult pregnancy for Sioni, and two miscarriages before that.

“Ambrós and Sioni are with the Creators now, but their daughter is still with us. Ellana. Her aravel is over there, with the other hunters. I am sure she would be glad to see you. I think she has always longed for a better sense of where she is from, and who her people are.”

Bea knew, just looking at her, that she had found her people. She was Ellana Lavellan - not Ellana Tabris, never had been, Ambrós and Sioni had left that name behind in Ostwick - and she had the stark black tattoos of the Elvhen gods on her face, but there was something immediately recognizable about her. Something in her watchful grey-eyed gaze, in the set of her full lips; cautious, but ready to break into joy.

“On dhea, traveler,” Ellana said. “Can I help you?”

“My name is Beatrix Tabris,” Bea said. “And I think we’re cousins.”

The rest of the story unspooled just like the stories Adaia Tabris used to tell. One thread at a time - an untangling, and a reconnecting, a knitting up of gaps of lost time. Ellana was rapt with attention as Bea shared what she knew of their parents and how they grew up together. Deshanna had been right. Ambrós and Sioni had hidden much of their past from their one and only daughter. Even Ellana did not know why they fled Ostwick for Clan Lavellan. She had not even known their last name was Tabris.

“I would never have found you,” Ellana said at last, taking Bea’s hand and squeezing it. “I am so glad you found me. I always - I always hoped I had family out there somewhere. Outside of my clan. I wanted to go looking for them, but I didn’t even know where to start.”

Bea knew that feeling well - that longing for connection, for home, for family. She’d had her parents, yes, her cousins, and Nehnara until she was taken to the Circle, but longing was part of an alienage. It was woven into every branch on the vhenadahl. There were always lonely people. People who needed family. She would take them all in if she could. For now, she pressed Ellana’s hands in return.

“Well, you’re stuck with me now. I probably should have warned you of that first. Oh, and Nehn! She’ll be your family now too. And Zevran, and Leliana. And at least a couple of mabaris. All you have to do is come to Amaranthine.”

Ellana’s smile reminded Bea of her father’s, too. Warm as the sun, welcoming as an open door.

“I may just have to take you up on that. Deshanna is sending me to Ferelden, actually. There’s going to be a meeting of some sort in a place called Haven. Something to do with this mage and templar nonsense. I’m going to go as an - information gatherer, of sorts.”

Bea could not help her own grin. “You mean a spy?”

Ellana snorted. “Well, I was trying to be subtle. But yes. As a spy. I have been practicing my lockpicking and everything.”

“Oh, cousin,” Beatrix Tabris laughed. “We are going to get along just fine.”

[taylastudio2022]

LOUISE BOURGEOIS - THE WOVEN CHILD, 2022:

The Woven Child, Louise Bourgeois, 2022 Exhibition 9 February – 15 May Hayward Gallery: 

 ^ Installation view of ‘The Woven Child’ 2022 

I love the power that exudes from this sculpture. The spider form and how it is interacting with the cage, I find super engaging. 

There is a similar, (less established) feeling associated to a spider web nature, which has been observed in some of my work. 

^ Installation view of ‘Untitled 2009′, at ‘The Woven Child’ ^

“In the last two decades of her career, Bourgeois began to incorporate clothes from all stages of her life into her art.This developed into a varied body of work – from monumental installations, to figurative sculptures and abstract collages – incorporating textiles such as bed linen, handkerchiefs, tapestry, and needlepoint” (Hayward Gallery).

“Provocative, scary, and marvellous” 

^ Installation view of ‘The Woven Child’ 2022 ^. 

^ Installation view of ‘The Woven Child’ 2022 ^. 

“Bourgeois’s fabric works mine the themes of identity and sexuality, trauma and memory, guilt and reparation that are central to her long and storied career

.‘I have always had a fascination with the magic power of the needle. The needle is used to repair the damage. It's a claim to forgiveness.’“  (Hayward Gallery).

Installation view of ‘The Reticent Child’, ‘The Woven Child’ 2022 ^

Tour video of exhibition: 

Notes from video:

Louise didn’t start working with fabrics until into her 80s

through her entire life - she was a magnificent hoarder, collector. 

clothes her mother wore, clothes she wore, table clothes, etc

very much about memory and looking back

recognising the past is what we have formed in our heads, what we understand of as the past

visible - trace of the needle

repair

Frankenstein like quality 

Finding a form that expresses an emotional quality 

Even just from looking at the tour video and documentation of this exhibition, I found this a very powerful exhibition.

 I would have loved to have the bodily experience of actually visiting this exhibition - from looking at the archive resources, I can see even more connections/relevance of Bourgeois works, specifically these textile works, and how Bourgeois deals with needles and collection. 

I have gotten comments on my work seeming ‘frankenstein’ like, similarly to how the art director describes Bourgeois’s soft sculptures. I absolutely agree with and echo this feeling of mending, repairing, and caring for, (something) that is spoken of,  when I stitch and thread in my sculptures. Theres almost something about the action that connects me to the women/menders/carers that have come before me, or have filled that role. It’s a very maternal feeling. 

Using a collection or past clothing, like in ‘The Woven Child’, and using these processes of needle work, acts like a homage, or a valuing of these materials and the people they are from, in a way. 

There is always a direct connection to the body established when clothing is involved, but there is a strong sense of the body throughout all of the sculptures featured in this exhibition. I especially love the spider work, and the soft sculptures of heads and faces. I hope to express this sort of emotion and essence in my own work, as I deal with my own collection of materials and needle practices. 

[unproduciblesmackdown]

here’s me talking about the month since i was last online

firstly it was/is depressing not to be able to talk with ppl or hear from them. or just to be able to talk somewhere i know people CAN hear. i also mentioned being completely detached from the news. i like to be current about the news. anyways i was like “well not like this is anything new” as its technically unusual for me to NOT be cut off both irl and from the internet. but, shockingly, that doesnt make it not depressing. and having something for even a bit makes it more frustrating to lose it even if its “normal” for you not to have it. also by depressing i mean i was going like hmm i sure am even more tired than usual and i am less interested in my few lingering faint interests. whats up with that! and then i was like oh yeah thats called Even More Depression

it is funny because im someone who has never really had that many friends and when i do we often end up separated one way or another. Very Close friends &/or Very Longtime friends are a foreign concept. basically the heights of my “what i wish it was like” for life involve having a group of friends with whom you can have fun in an empty parking lot in the middle of the night just talking and hanging out and messing around. friends that you feel comfortable being yourself around and like they appreciate you as much as you do them. i do not think this is ever going to happen, but oh well because in reality i can be very picky about people because i am weird, to put it that way for now. my social landscape and language is not always considered normal or even tolerable. and i have a lot of standards for who i want to have around me in terms of traits and personality. theres a lot of things im not interested in. anyways. i also just, in the way things actually are, often prefer to be alone, so that i can be myself and do things i feel like. i dont have to worry about being strange or feeling like i need to please people. anyways. unfortunately i dont ONLY like being alone. i actually really like to be with people and talk with them but i rarely can, and i figure this is bad for me. isolation isnt good for anyone obviously. not being able to be around friends in person depresses me. not being able to talk online either depresses me further.

i think sometimes about how much i dont say. its a funny place to say it, in an overly long text post. but one of the reasons they can be so long is because irl i dont really talk much to people. so it builds up and can come out through writing. sometimes it comes out in talking. i think that in conversations, when i do talk, i talk too much because of this. so one of the reasons i dont talk much is to prevent this, which obviously is like “well that would just cancel out” but there are other reasons i dont talk. but i have loads of thoughts and things to say. i end up keeping so much of it to myself and wonder sometimes if i’ll ever get to say some of it. sometimes i’ll have something to say and bite it back. i’ve been “quiet” all these past twenty some years of talking and i know the reasons i dont talk. i was thinking about the feeling of biting something back in an individual occasion feeling like the cumulation of all the years worth of keeping my own voice running in my head alone. it kind of feels like what you want to say is in your chest and throat and the roof of your mouth.

speaking of the roof of your mouth, theres a weird sensation i can feel sometimes, seemingly at random but mostly in strange times like trying to fall asleep. it is so transient and unlike any actual externally caused sensations that its been difficult to try to get a grasp of how to describe it, but i think i have it thanks to ongoing effort and an unusually long period of it a few days ago during which i was especially alert about it. it’s like having a pressure radiating out from inside your mouth. like an orb pushing outwards against the teeth and roof of the mouth. which i’m fairly sure isn’t anything that would ever happen, so i am assuming its some little neurological hiccup that happens to align every now and then, but maybe a previous life cycle has put something weird in their mouth. or shot into it, because i would be like, well not much has changed.

anyways. words sitting like a pressure in your mouth. i was seeing a thread about how grief is ongoing and reoccurring which also mentioned that people who specialize in knowing how grieving and living with it works often consider it to be a form of grief when someone’s life is affected by something like trauma. they have to grieve themselves because of the possibilities taken away from them. i feel that, sometimes. thinking about how i wish i had a life where i felt free to speak and where my identity mattered and i got to feel like i could be myself and it was important and it was important what i thought and wanted and who i really was. and where i got to have friends and do things and realize what it was to actually feel happy, not try to understand an unhappy existence as what must be okay. its not just what couldve been in the past, but also how that couldve affected the present and future. im not sure who i’d be if my life didnt have to be about survival and escape. i say i never had dreams, which is true, but in retrospect i DO think that when i was fifteen and really bearing down in trying to figure out what i wanted to do, i was already seeing activism as the answer, which made sense why it wouldnt register as a dream or ambition and why it was also impossible to pursue. i still dont think of anything like personal fulfillment through a career/job or anything. but i also dont think of what i want to do as very relevant to anything at all anymore.

anyways. i’m “used” to things, but they still depress and hurt me. i actually have a lot of sadness and anger about some of these things, like never getting to have the friends i wanted or never being able to speak and it not mattering who i really was, and how long it took me to realize this really wasn’t okay and it wasn’t because of some personal deficiency which made me deserve it somehow. also the abuse. i remember i had this how-to book about weaving friendship bracelets which i got sometime in elementary school, and it even supplied some twine and stuff. i had always wanted to have occasion to use it, and i never did, which is just symbolic. the twine/potential friendship bracelets can also be things like positive social connections that feel real and open, or my ability to feel secure in expressing affection because it seems mutual. but anyways. i also just go along.

i was thinking about the Being Gone For A Month thing and the not-talking and holding all my words back even though i think so much about all sorts of junk and thus have too much to say, and about a week ago i just spent like six hours writing about myself. i was debating doing so in the first place because i figured i wouldnt post it. i did write it, but i won’t post it. its just good to talk to myself in the form of writing. getting thoughts into that form requires an extra level of analysis and coherent flow that can help put even things you already knew more in order. so here’s this stuff instead.

there’s not much to say about this past month. the worst of it was that discovering my weird tooth is all janky and broken has made me on edge about teeth. i mean, i’ve already all but stopped worrying about the broke tooth, because i kind of do that sometimes when i can. just worry hard and then stop, because what can you do? might as well try to avoid stressing even worse. and in this case i dont have money and doubt i will ever have a job w dental coverage, so i cant do anything about it. but im always worried about my teeth because, fittingly, my parents dental genes seem to combine into that of a tasmanian devil. i think im in some Dental Report b/c i had this weird situation that needed basically a root canal but it wasnt the normal kind of root canal situation and the dentist said he hadn’t seen it or heard of it even. special. i was horrified about needing the root canal, because of the clichés. but it ended up being fine and i really just sat there for an hour thinking about whatever. dental procedures are truly not what theyre hyped up to be. on account of local anesthetics. anyways. when i left my parents house i was specifically worried about leaving my access to a dentist, but obviously it wouldve been far from worth it. but that doesn’t mean i dont worry about my teeth. so i had these few days where i just had a spontaneously sensitive gum spot and another one which im guessing i caused by jamming corn shards down in there by eating corn on the cob. that happened sort of last year, i got really worried about an angry-looking spot on my gums and finally realized something was just up in there that needed to be flossed out. anyhow. the point is i got overly worried about everything that always worries me even though it used to worry me even before going to the dentist and they’d say the stuff was fine actually. but still. i got

very worried for a minute there and i realized very easily that if i start getting any really serious tooth problems i am out of here. i have no motivation at all to live through it. i don’t want to have to deal with that. it’s way too much. i dont even have motivation to be alive now. but when i was worrying i was thinking about not using my handful of cash to change locations, but instead to get some fancy Dying Equipment. there are still some methods by which im not sure i could try offing myself. but if things got a lot worse, like teeth problems, i could probably lower those standards. i COULD obtain some items for one method, or by necessity do it for free. im less worried about the tooth stuff now. it was just an unfortunate convergence of a couple tiny things. but ive still got a sensitive spot or two, and im always a bit worried. if something bad happens i cant do anything about it except get tf out of this life cycle, right.

there was something else unfortunate i was going to talk about. maybe just the depression.

there were nice, small things. i always knew how to enjoy those kinds of stuff. i like the sky, and i appreciate that its summer. theres a lot of fireflies sometimes and i saw kittens chasing them one day. one of those kittens mightve gotten killed by something since. i got to hear rain on the roof a few times. i like corn on the cob even if it betrayed me. i was wanting some last summer. i also got to make sweet tea and lemonade for the first time in forever. i’d been wanting that for a long time too.

the nicest surprise was that i had been writing extra hard since the start of june. i sort of really pushed at it and got to the dividing point between the section and the next, and i was sure it was shorter than previous sections. but actually it was just over 1000 words short of being 140k, and i’d written it all in about five weeks, and it was abt 22.5% longer than the next longest section i’d written. i’ve since gotten to a point i’ve been writing towards since this whole time, and im right on the verge of another long awaited one right now. it’s nice, but writing has been fun, and i hope i dont get depressed if i hopefully do finish it. i can just write some more, but doing so on my phone isnt the most efficient. it doesnt seem sustainable.

anyways thats it for now before i can think of anything else to say am i right

[yutark]

time management tips

in connection to this post on how to manage two or more trainee muses, i thought i would just post up some of the things i do for joshua and yuta. i will try to keep this short and to the point, and remind everyone this is my own personal way of doing this -- and it will not work for everyone. its just some things that help me.

prioritising: my system for my trainees is, 

event, replies: because someone else is waiting for me on this event, they are prioritised, and if anyone follows me enough, they will notice i will usually do them asap. if i have 20 mins right before sleep, i will reply to the event post. since most events are four post threads, once my two are done, i treat it like a normal reply from then on.

trainee, replies: because these are how my muse progresses. they gather debut pts, trainee pts and the sooner my muse is debut ready, then i know i have done everything in my power and now it’s just helping others get debut ready and waiting for the chances. to help during the last few weeks with uni exams and assignments all being due, it was hard to keep track of everything, and i made this, on sheets, to help keep tracked and focused.

( when it comes to two trainees, i prioritise joshua over yuta at the moment. because yuta is debut ready, he has his mandatory achievements and his 50 pts. joshua is not yet, and its my goal on him to get him there. decide a goal for a muse, and it’ll help you. it lets you work out what matters more and put your energy to it. )

other, replies: this is usually done on a system of, ‘i want to get # of replies done today, so i will do the longest owing first, and then one i really want to do as my motivation.’ sometimes if i don’t have time, it will be done by muse. during the last two months, i have been busy with classes, so it was by muse more than what was longest owing.

event, solos: because these are point related, they take a little more time than a reply, but once they are done. it’s a one off thing, these are done by muse level. if i have muse for a solo, i will do it. i generally try to do them as soon as possible. my muse is highest right after an event is mentioned, because i’m excited to get it done.

like always, there is shifting and changing. i tell trainees if they need a reply, to just come tell me and i will move it right up the top and do it first -- even if ive done my two for the week, i will do it. if someone is doing an event with me, and they will be busy for the last two weeks before it ends, them telling me that means i will prioritise it to help them get it done quickly. communication is very useful if you ever need someones help with something.

time management:

during this semester, most of my other roleplays do their activity checks on sunday/saturday. rookies does theirs wednesday. my classes were wednesday/thursday during the week. i had to study for classes every week, i’m taking japanese which was hours of study. for weekly management:

i decided early on that friday would be the day i spent focusing on making sure my activity for the other roleplays would be done. it was my deadline for it every week. if i had not done it, it would be done.

saturday/sunday would be getting rookies activity done, it gave me two days to get trainee replies done, and activity for seungjun. that’s five replies. that was my goal over the weekend.

there were sometimes things that popped up. an assignment due on friday night, so my activity would get pushed back a day. it’s okay to give leeway, it’s okay to not make it to the goal. the best thing to do is not to procrastinate. procrastinating would mean if i left them until wednesday and something came up, i would be x5 more stressed. my goal was sunday evening, so i had still monday and tuesday if i did not make it.

if i did make my goal? i had monday and tuesday, or sometimes even sunday to do any other replies i wanted.

everyone has different schedules, it takes time to figure out what works and what day is best for you. some people are busier on the weekends, some are busier mid week, but making a schedule helps a lot. just don’t beat yourself up if you do not make it! scheduling early means you have time if you do not meet your goal. for daily management:

lists. i love lists. every morning i usually make a list of what i’m doing, for example, today’s list: washing the towels yuta + joshs trainee reply to jongin event seungjun reply reply to rk ims ssu replies + ims every time i cross something off, it means ive accomplished something. i can pat myself on the back and when i get to end of the list, i can decide, do i have energy to do more replies or do i want to lay in bed because my weekend has been busy -- which is why im doing these replies on monday for me. either way, what i needed to do is done.

when i was studying, i always put study first. i would wake up at 8-9am, study until i had everything done. i would focus my study during the weeks. real life was always more important than roleplay. school is my future, roleplay is my hobby.

also taking time for yourself is. i would schedule tuesdays or fridays as my days to relax. a day where i was not obligated to do anything. i had no list besides, ‘wake up’. if i felt like doing something, i would. take care of yourself, thats important too!

being busy:

sometimes you’re busy -- too busy. you don’t have time to do the two trainee replies. it’s okay to do the minimum. in the last 2-3 weeks, i’ve had 2 major assignments due, 2 tests and an exam, my grandmother was sick and she happened to pass. i had family obligations. 

i would do the minimum. i did one reply i had muse for on seungjun, i did trainee on yuta and josh. i picked short replies, i picked the ones i wanted to over time owing. if i found myself lacking in time + energy, i would decide, ‘i will only do ac on seungjun and yuta, and trainee on josh.’ if i had less, ‘i will do only one reply one all of them.’ and my final resort would be, ‘ill do text messages to people or sns’. because rookies has this neat rule ‘solos, replies, texts and SNS posts all count as an IC post, however, if texts or SNS posts are your only IC posts for two weeks in a row, you’ll still be cleared.‘

for one week, if i didnt have time, i could post texts or sns.

but there is always a chance to hiatus if you need to. it’s my personal preference, but i do not. it messes with my muse. but it was and is always an option for anyone.

updating points + welcoming newbies:

this is something you need to schedule time for. 

for me, i had classes on the day of acceptances and due to timezones, i would not be home until after. i never scheduled to do replies or anything on the days i had classes. but i would do points and welcomes

i plan my trainees points in a spreadsheet, i plan them eval to eval. right now i have yutas and joshs weekly and trainee points decided up until when i have to submit the evals. on my rookies, i plan a week ahead. so when i come home after a long day, i don’t have to sit thinking about it. it’s been decided. i just need to add them.

with trainee, i have a draft in joshs and yutas blogs where i copy and link up the trainee replies as i do them, so i dont have to chase them up later. (this is yutas)

i update and do points systematically -- i start on seungjun, follow and add his points. then i move to josh, follow newbies, submit his points and add his activity. and then i go to yuta. i scroll down the dash, follow and welcome at the same time and then get to the activity post where i unfollow + add ac points and submit yutas trainee.

it can take me a half hour to do all this. then if i have energy, i will decide points for seungjun for the next week or make sure i have trainee for the week. so if i need to contact someone, i will contact them. this means when i plan on saturday, i already know where i am and can work on writing.

using the queue/schedule:

the queue is a neat thing. 

if you know you’ll be busy, schedule things. you can actually schedule something to be posted on a day at a time. if you know the next week you’ll be busy, worried about whether you’ll have time, schedule a post for sunday 12pm the weekend before. thats your ac post, its done. 

at the moment, i owe maybe 30 replies over all my rk accounts. i will be using the queue to space out everything. i’ll queue the other replies i owe, ones to friends, ones that are not trainees. i’ll do 1-2 a day. it will give me time to catch up.

i have friends who queue their trainee replies as well, the queue tells you what day it will be posted and rookies runs on est. so you could write 7 replies, queue them today, put the other replies first and trainees will be posted in a weeks time and theres your trainee done for the week. do this every sunday, and you’re a week ahead every week, and if something happens, you’re good and have time to sort it out.

[bengalisms]

RANDOM FACTS ABOUT THE MUN!!

Repost, don’t reblog!

NAME: Brei NICKNAME: Brei, bug, coco. FACECLAIM: Used to be amber heard before i cut my hair. now i dont use one. PRONOUNS: she / her but i’m comfortable with they / them as well! HEIGHT: 5′8″ BIRTHDAY: Aug 25th AESTHETIC: Pastel pinks, whites, silver jewelry, sun, candles, comfy.   LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO: The one playing rn is Candy Paint (because Cas is making me). But the last song I listened to non-was related was Soilders by Wi.tterqu.ick

FAVOURITE MUSE(S) YOU’VE WRITTEN:

Caspian without a doubt is my all time faves. All his NPC’s are always super fun but Ardai & Makena are my fave NPC’s to write related to Caspian. My other fave muses to write is Todd @foxxiisms (which im never on now) and his father, Joey ( @mollisvocali ) which i’m also never on anymore.

WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO TAKE ON YOUR CURRENT MUSE (THAT YOU ARE POSTING THIS ON):

Honestly my inspiration is Caspian himself? I’ve been dedicated to him for 6 years now, and when it started my inspiration was completely different from what it is now. Caspian himself has a lot of sources of inspiration but I find a lot of the time HE just is inspiring in a way that makes me want to write? Probably because he’s been around so much. 

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE ASPECTS OF YOUR CURRENT MUSE:

Does everything count? LOL. KK no for real I just really love what Caspian is and what he represents. His activist and philanthropy is really something I like exploring. He’s extremely complex so I really enjoy that because simplistic muses don’t always inspire me to write/create/develope them. 

WHAT’S YOUR BIGGEST INSPIRATION WHEN IT COMES TO WRITING

People, places, music. Really it’s just life experiences. I find religion a really crucial point in a lot of my writing despite being atheist?? I’ve been complimented on my respectful and positive writing when it comes to religion and a lot of people are surprised that I draw so much inspiration from that sort of thing but yeah –– i do. For Caspian in particular I draw a lot on his culture as well, and use that frame of mind to mold his view of the world.

FAVORITE TYPES OF THREADS:

3-5 paras & in-depth threads. Be it angst or fluff or somewhere in the middle, I thrive off being able to write a lot of detail & emotions in threads and I devour replies that do the same thing? Because of this, some types of RP’ers and styles just don’t mesh with me well. One liners are really hard for me. But I always remind people that length never has to be matched & if it’s overwhelming to let me know but yeah. 

THE BIGGEST STRUGGLE IN REGARDS TO YOUR CURRENT MUSE:

His failure to confront his mental illness. He can sometimes be a bit of an annoying muse??? Just because sometimes dealing with all his emotional hang ups makes it hard for certain things??? Like developing ships takes really patient RP partners because as @ithilys​, @moanaialiki​, @1000liveslived​, and @misshoodoolady​ know, Caspian is very very complicated when it comes to romance. I find it’s difficult to have people willing to invest in breaking down his walls to get a romantic ship going??? I’m sure all my ship partners have been super frustrated with him/me over this and I don’t blame them because it’s one of the biggest issues I have with writing Caspian. He’s just too timid around romantic connection and sometimes I just wanna body-check him.

And Like sometimes things just dont go as planned because he’s a very independent muse who calls the shots and theres not a lot I can do about it sometimes?He’s very reactionary and that can sometimes really affect the way a plot happens or the way things develop? Honestly my RP partners who do long and complicated plots with me know just how much things change over time because Caspian continues to surprise ME with the things he does. As much as I love that about him, it can be really frustrating. 

TAGGED BY: @elfen-archer (omg thank u love!)

TAGGING: if u read it, tag ur it.