#theres a point when trying to fall asleep where i just give up and accept that im staying up until the morning

[autumnfangirler]

if you want me to go to sleep you have to beat my seven evil reasons for staying up

[nikrangdan]

enhypen x short!reader

pairing: enhypen x short!reader

genre: fluff, comedy

description: how enhypen would react to a short reader!!! this was requested btw i hope u guys like 😁 ive written separate headcanons for sunghoon and jay before but i wrote more here anyways 😏 THERES A COUPLE CUSS WORDS IN HERE

———————

HEESEUNG:

okay lets get this straight

hes literally the tallest member in enha

and then ur the shortest in ur friend group

POWER COUPLE ⁉️⁉️⁉️

im literally crying bc when u guys are standing facing each other heeseung is just looking straight over ur head LIKE UR NOT EVEN IN HIS LINE OF SIGHT

and THIS is why he always has his arm around ur shoulder or he makes sure ur holding onto his arm or smthn

HE WANTS U TO BE WITH HIM AT ALL TIMES BC SOMETIMES HE CANT SEE U☹️☹️☹️

and when hes practicing he likes to bring u up to dance with him

like he holds ur hands and u just try to 💃🏻🕺🏻💃🏻 with justin bieber playing in the background

“i cant dance heeseung u know this” u stare up at him

“i know just vibe to the music~”

he finds it hilarious so hes giggling the whole time u two do a little jiggy

AND THEN HE GETS ALL SOFT AND TURNS U AROUND TO BACKHUG U AND FACE THE MIRRORS and he watches u guys sway back and forth slowly to the music

he loves the height difference and hes always looking at it in mirrors

JAY:

*takes a deep breath* ... JAYYYYYY‼️‼️

he probably mentioned how short u are a couple times when you first met but i dont think he would be the type to constantly point out ur height and tease u or smthn

BUT!!!!! he loves it

alot of clothes you like are often too big for you and hes like

I Am Here To Rescue You From Distress, My Love

Ur so thankful for him!!!

he loves finding clothes for you

shirts arent a big problem its mostly the pants

AND HE LIKES BUYING U PLATFORM SHOES

he says “u look so good”

Jay ur superman 🔥

idk he just thinks ur so cute

he likes to stare at u like 🥰🥰☺️☺️

❤️_❤️

Jay has such big heart eyes for u AAAAAA

when u two are in the kitchen u arent able to reach the high cupboards

SO HE BOUGHT U A HELLO KITTY STOOL

one time he stood on it and was like “y/n look”

you literally almost broke your neck trying to see him because HE WAS SO HIGH IN THE AIR

so high u were like “u got enough oxygen up there⁉️⁉️”

and then he said “u look like an ant” and he started dying at his own joke

But he never pulled that stool stunt again bc u attacked him viciously🤗🤗🤗

JAKE:

Wait im crying already

everytime i write about jake i have to take a break

hes literally too much for my heart

Okay

HE GIGGLE.....

he GIGGLE!!!!!!!

HE GIGGLES AT EVERYTHING U DO

Hes so obsessed with u its not even funny

he probably loves u more than u love him AND HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE BC HES JAKE SIM

His favorite thing ever is when sit in between his legs and ur back against his chest yknow

when u guys watch movies he feeds u popcorn like that

IM GONNA SAY THIS FOR ALOT OF THEM BUT

Head Pats!!!!!

He pats ur head alot or ruffles ur hair alot

and hes just so gentle with u

Ur like his little baby >_<

HIS BIG JACKETS WAIT

Jakes big fluffy bulky jackets

he wants u to wear them

and he

he zips them up all the way and puts the hoodie over ur head

and he just dies of laughter

Ur standing there like 🧍🏻‍♂️

“its getting hot in here jake”

you tried to flick the hood off but the chunky sleeve mixed with ur short arm was not a good combination so you couldnt even raise your arm

That made jake lose it and he just fell to the floor in tears😭

but seeing him so happy made u 🥰☺️ kinda so its okay

SUNGHOON:

Hello hand holder

i say this whenever write for hoon

but this guy🤝🤝🤝

Get those hands ready yall

mmm okay

he probably calls u shorty whenever he teases u

Rude ass 🙄

ur like “😐” and hes like

“im sorry” *attacks u in a very messy and unmannered hug to the point where u fall back onto the couch and almost break ur leg*

i bet he holds stuff up in the air so u have to jump up and attempt to get it😭 so evil

but he doesnt like seeing u suffer for too long so he gives it to u after like 5 seconds 😁

he teases u alot but when ur out in public hes like Bodyguard Hoon

Hes not letting anything happen to u!!!!

once again HES HOLDING UR HAND AT ALL TIMES

one thing he says he doesnt like but we all know hes lying is when u like to jump on his back and force him to give u a piggyback ride

he just accepts it

one time u fell asleep on his back and he was like

“uh y/n”

silence

yeah he eventually plopped u on the couch which woke u up

SUNOO:

Sunoo thinks ur so adorable 💧_💧

like u two could just be sitting next to eachother watching something

and u have ur legs pulled up to ur chest and ur arms wrapped around them with ur chin on ur knees

you hear him giggling to himself

u look over like ......🤨 “what”

“nothing y/n *giggles again* ur just so cute”

ur like Staaaaawwp and u push his shoulder

and then he pushes u back

AND THEN U START FIGHTING

Play fighting ****

u guys laugh so much 😭😭

sunoo likes to talk about you alot

to everyone

literally everyone

to the boys: “omg y/n fell trying to reach the garlic LMAO”

to his mom: “y/n went up to this guy thinking it was me and pushed him it was so funny”

to his instagram: “how did y/n fit through my neighbors doggy door and why”

PLEASE when u two have arguments for fun

u go jump on the couch so u can be taller than him

and u just stare at eachother before bursting out into laughter

he loves to show u off aaaa “heres y/n” ☺️☺️☺️☺️

JUNGWON:

EXPECT TEASING AT LEAST ONCE A DAY

Please i think id cry if i was friends with jungwon (AND NI-KI)

he play too much 😫 he actually has no chill

“can u reach this y/n? or should i carry you *evil laugh*”

but besides from the teasing he adores u so much

and theres some things you arent able to do

But hes so happy to do it for you!!! he loves feeling like hes doing smthn for u

He always has this proud dad look on his face whenever u literally do ANYTHING

u could literally pick a twig off the ground and jungwon would go 😊 thats my y/n

he likes to massage ur legs when ur just chilling on ur bed or smthn

hes got one hand massaging ur legs and his other hand massaging his own legs

“i’ll make us grow taller y/n!”

“what??? you don’t need to be taller jungwon, i do!!” u snatch the hand hes using to massage his own leg and plant it right back on ur own legs

he starts laughing really hard and u think ur the president of comedy now 🔥🔥

he likes feeling tall when hes with u

but he also likes being babied 🙁🙁

Plz give him head kisses and cheek pinches

NI-KI:

This kid is literally a titan

and hes crazy

picks u up BRIDAL STYLE and starts running around the room like an animal

like WHAT ???????

he says its because you’re the only THING around and he needs the exercise

and this kid is a teaser too😫😫

“y/n can you hand me the cereal up there? oh wait you cant”

you turn around like What the hell did u just say...

yeah he got a smacking that day

NO BUT SOMETIMES HE BE TAKING THE JOKES TOO FAR AND RIGHT AFTER HE SAYS IT HES LIKE

“im just kidding i didnt mean it”

Anyways

ni-ki is also very sweet

he offers piggyback rides and makes u little gifts

one time u got a cramp from being on ur tippy toes too long

he was laughing at first but then he saw ur eyes welling up with tears and he ran to u really fast 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

ALSO WHEN U HOLD HANDS you both always stare bc THE SIZE DIFFERENCE PLLLZZZSSMMMNXX

heres an analogy

ni-ki hands : whale :: y/n hands : seahorse

LITERALLY U CANT EVEN SEE UR HANDS ANYMORE

they just vanish into thin air and u guys think its peak comedy

“whered ur hand go y/n 💀”

[bansheeoftheforest]

Uh, is there still an angst break? Ignore this ask until your ready if so 👉😎👉

-

What was the au where Jekylls pushed down the stairs and experiences a skull crackening again? Oh well but I've been thinking of a branch of that where Jekyll doesn't know hes dead like all day. I also cant remember if that was already discussed or not

The lodgers patch him up, he complains of a headache, and goes on his merry way! He's confused why all the lodgers are so nervous and being nice to him all of the sudden, why creature is looking at him with a stange mix of empathy and pity. He was told he fell down the stairs, fell unconscious, and obtained a bit of an injury. He cant fathom why Frankenstein is "The only doctor who can treat him" why he has to constantly go to her for checkups. Why Maijabi is suddenly following him practically everywhere.

Hyde squeezes back control for a moment and tries the potion but it doesn't work. Maybe a bit of pain but certainly no transformation. Jekyll assumes his injury or whatever medication they're giving him to treat it somehow negated the effects

Jekyll complains about "suddenly blacking out" the lodgers know its because his soul is slippery. They tell him it must just be a side effect of the injury and not to worry

How long can they keep it secret from him? When does he find out? Does he? Does it get to be years only for him to realize that he hasn't aged? That he still needs checkups from Frankenstein? Does he learn sooner? Does a lodger crack and say it? Does he rot? Does he notice how so very cold he is. How animals act around him? It's all very interesting,,

-

I actually did think a bit of Jekyll's kidnappers for the amnesia kidnapping au! When drawing that lil sketch of Henry and O'Leary meeting Robert I had considered making it so O'Leary was suspicious of Lanyon like "Oh theres no news anywhere of someone matching Thomas' description who's missing. But some random people walk up claiming to know him? Begging to take him back with them?" And he'd think they were the kidnappers. But ultimately I decided against it as I felt Lanyon and Rachel were pretty clearly, genuinely concerned for "Thomas" :p

-

I tried playing assassins creed once, the first(?) one. But the controls were confusing and everything was sorta thrown all at me at once, and I got bored of it quickly

But! I went to the store the other day and just so happened to notice Syndicate was being sold for 15 dollars 👀 So I bought it because funky Victorian assassins and your influence! It's a bit less confusing then the first ac game I tried but why is going down or dropping so hard bdksnks. I'm having quite a bit of fun! If you dont count my rage and annoyance-, the B button refuses to cooperate with me unless I'm looting corpses >:(

The b button being the bane of my existence aside, I AM having fun! I like the funky outfits and I want to play as the girl twin (evie?) forever because her clothes are good and shes better at attacking than jacob(?) For some reason. Probably the stun her weapon has? Oh well! I have not unlocked any new outfits yet, nonetheless I wish there were more.

Also! I was thimking, and my current quests are taking place at 1868? Did I get that right? And Jekyll is like 35 in 1885. So in game he'd be 18! An au like I believe you mentioned sounds very interesting 👀 but I must play more to know what's going on and daydream about it

That would be the resurrection au <3

But god, I really like that branch! Especially combined with the hc that he can't feel pain bc the HJ7 and the transformations made him immune. Frankenstein patched him up and made fleshweaver to heal the crack in his skull but it still has to be bandaged, he surely broke a few bones, yet all he has to do is to be careful because it doesn't even hurt. He doesn't even realize how severe the injuries are because it doesn't hurt, it very well might just have been that he accidentally slipped at the bottom of the staircase and accidentally hit his head on the railing during his fall, rather than getting physically pushed and flying down the stairs, shattering his skull upon impact with the marble floor. Y'know what would be extra fun? If he only starts getting a bit suspicious about how severe the injury was once he realizes his lungs stop breathing for minutes at a time when he gets distracted, or his heartbeat stops dead in his chest. I know that that's not how biology or even creature works but lets say the HJ7 is funky, Zombie Jekyll my beloved. Perhaps he would only fully grasp what had happened once he blacked out too much and 'passed out', but his soul slipped out enough to leave his body unconscious on the floor while his soul/ghost was just... Watching. And it's not until Maijabi (who, as you said, follows him everywhere) immediately calls for more Lodgers saying that Henry's soul is getting unstable and Frankenstein's lousy job is starting to shine through that he fully understands that it was not a mere hit to the head. Or maybe it is when days, weeks, maybe months has passed and the headache never goes away, he only feels how his body starts feeling so much more... Fragile and delicate, that the guilt has eaten Helsby up alive and he corners him and spills everything, knowing he is going directly against what the group agreed to but not being able to keep it a secret much longer-- or maybe Creature would tell him immediately, once Henry is, for once, alone perhaps days after the initial accident. He cannot see Henry struggle to understand what is going on when he already knows what's happening to Henry, his mind, and his body. He doesn't listen to the plan that Frankenstein and the Lodgers has set up and immediately tells Henry the first moment they are alone. That would certainly be horrifying, I can only imagine how the Lodgers would find Henry after that, once he actually knows and manages to process everything. He would be so mad, not only to have been killed in the first place, but also because he was robbed of an afterlife because the Lodgers were selfish and could not accept the consequences of their actions. He would be mad, he would be so pissed and I have no doubt he might actually be mad at Maijabi too for even agreeing to help Frankenstein and the rest of the Lodgers. That anger would not stay long, though. That anger would soon turn into misery and sadness and paranoia so even as Henry has tried to push Maijabi away, Henry still ends up on his doorstep begging him to help him make sure he is not rotting, because no matter what anyone says, he is sure he can see rotten spots and patches on his skin and he is just so scared and jdhfjsdfdsfsfs... <3

--

Ooooooohhh, I was actually daydreaming about this just this morning! Granted, I woke up at 5 and began to daydream to fall asleep quicker but I still like the thought of O'Leary being suspicious of Robert/Rachel/Jasper/the Lodgers bc he is protective of 'Thomas' and doesn't want anything bad to happen to him and especially with the idea that Henry still has hallucinations and they both think he was abandoned by his family, left to rot at a mental asylum. O'Leary might very well think that it might be Henry's friends and family that dumped him that Henry had 'escaped' the hospital and that's why they knew he was missing since the Asylum itself obviously wouldn't have posted the news... I really liked Jeks idea, okay? Like a lot, I absolutely love it <3

--

Oh, the oldest AC game I played was Unity bc it was free after the Notre Dame fire, and I can confirm, I played 15 min and could not get through it even if i would have wanted to, it absolutely sucks so i have no doubt the older games are just as frustrating <3

BUT!!!! I'M SO GLAD MY CORRUPTION IS SPREADING AND YOU BOUGHT AND PLAYED IT AND ARE ENJOYING IT SO FAR!!! Trust me, Syndicate truly is an absolutely amazing game and is definitely one of my top 3 games of all time. I sometimes play it w my friend watching me play and trust me, I know that rage of trying to do smt but the character does smt else... or you try to do smt but the game doesn't react and you miss your chance... Oh well, still a wonderful game <3

My friend loves to play as Evie as well but I'm definitely playing Jacob every chance I get and I honestly get a lil pissy when I have to play as Evie bc I always prefer to play male characters, plus, I just like Jacob better bc he is a sweetheart. He is also canonically bisexual as hell!!! Have you met Abberline yet? The police officer? Him and Jacob together is one of my fave ships for the game. I also bought the ultimate/golden/whatever name it was edition so I had a bunch of extra outfits, I love the sherlock holmes outfit for Jacob but my friend keeps bullying me for it </3

Honestly? The time difference is the bane of my entire idea for the au bc if it's during their time Henry hasn't even graduated yet, and definitely not well-known enough for them to actively meet for whatever reason, and if you use the timeline for the jack the ripper dlc (in 1888) a lot of... Less than pleasant things happen so it wouldn't really make a lot of sense for a crossover to happen at that point but maybe it's just bc im a pussy and refuse to play the dlc. Rn, while imagining the au, I just imagine the 1868 timeline to be the same as the TGS timeline. I like to imagine the Frye Twins hearing about Henry and the Society and promptly breaking into his office to ask him to make poison and stuff for them. I also have a feeling that Jacob would flirt wildly with Henry and that Henry would be less-than-amused. It would also be a very fun thing with the fact that there would be two Henrys, with TGS Henry Jekyll and AC Syndicate Henry Green, soo... XD

[alphi-writes]

the autumn interactions seems fascinating.. may i request one? ^~¬ || a female reader here~ id like to request a scary stories for malleus, haunted house for azul & trick of treat for floyd, thanks!!! 🥺💖

Yes of course!! I'm glad you seem to like it:)🧡

Characters: Malleus, Azul, Floyd

Items: Scary Stories, Haunted Houses, Trick or Treat

Malleus Draconia

"Yea, just sit there, it's a bean bag it won't- Malleus, you're practically a deity, you do not need to worry about a bean bag eating you."'

You giggled quietly as Malleus tried to make himself comfortable. He wasn't used to such comfortable, plush seatings like a bean bag.

"Are you sure these won't cause any damage? The curve it makes seems... unhealthy."

"Oh, don't be a scaredy cat-! You'll want to save that fear for-" you clicked your torch on, illuminating your face, "-Scaaaary stooories~!"

He stared, dumbfounded for a moment before chuckling quietly.

"Well, you can try, I suppose."

"Oh I will try, and I'll succeed!"

Earlier in the evening, you'd invited Malleus to your dorm, in which the two of you would hang out because Malleus was, yet again, left out of another school event. It was sad to see him so dejected, so you jumped at the chance to invite him over.

Currently, while Malleus was slowly being swallowed by the bean bag, you were setting up a small blanket fort. You stabilized the blankets and sheets before shoving pillows and a few other softy seats inside.

After that, you grabbed your laptop and a candy bag, propping them up at the head of the fort. When you finally crawled out, Malleus was all but unseen, completely covered in the bean bag.

You laughed loudly, promptly grabbing his hands and pulling him out of the seat.

"Come on, I have to fort finished."

He scratched the back of his neck sheepishly, thanking you quietly.

You slid into the fort next to Malleus, opening your laptop.

"I found this cool forum last week where people submit scary stories! It's always being updated with new stories, and theres even an audio section. That way I don't have to read out loud, I don't read well out loud..."' You typed the forum into the search bar, opening up the tab and scrolling through the audios.

"Do you want to listen to a certain genre? Or are we going to randomize?"

You looked at Malleus, who now had his head propped on his hands. He had a lime green and fuschia blanket strewn over his legs, keeping him warm.

"Erm.. random."

Nodding, you clicked randomise and clicked the first audio that appeared.

"Ooh~ this one's a true story!" You pulled your arms into your chest, burrowing into your blanket like an animal.

The audio faded in, menial sounds of rain and wind fading in first. Then, after the sounds, a deep voice came in.

"This, is a true story. A story of young children, all murdered in cold blood."

You chortled quietly at the mediocre voice acting, hoping Malleus hadn't heard you.

"One-hundred years ago, in multiple neighbouring towns, murders of small children were reported back to back for about two months. The murders were strewn out by the days. Almost sixty children were murdered, meaning the murderer struck every night."

Although it sounded like the man was trying too hard to sound spooky, and he spoke a bit slow, you still found yourself enjoying the story.

"The murders were all the same, children's skulls bashed in, all a bloody, gorey mess. It wasn't until one teenager by the name of Saria that the murderer was caught."

You laid your head nonchalantly on Malleus' arm.

"Saria was the oldest victim, which proved useful in her predicament. Although she was bed-ridden in the hospital for a time with major cranial damage, she suffered no memory loss."

"I wish I didn't suffer memory loss when Trein smacks me upside the head..."

Although you'd whispered to yourself, Malleus must've heard you because he let out a quiet chuckle.

"Although Saria gave a solid description of the murderer, he was never caught."

"Wow, shocker."

"The murders stopped in 1912. Recently, a line of murders identical to the 1909 murders were brought to the surface."

The speaker's voice faded out, mediocre scary music playing until the end of the audio.

"Well, that sucked, but everything sucks if you aren't the one being murdered." When you looked to Malleus for feedback, you were suprised to see he'd fallen asleep.

Shutting your laptop, you smiled and laid down next to him, brushing his bangs away from his forehead.

Gently, you pressed a kiss to his forehead and closed your eyes, falling asleep with him.

Azul Ashengrotto

"You sure you can handle this, Azul?" You teased, smirking at him.

You were currently standing with him in line outside a haunted house maze. From the looks of it, the 'house' was an old château from at least two centuries ago.

It was huge, probably four or five stories tall.

"Of course I can handle this, Y/N. I deal with scarier guests at the Lounge." A confident smile spread across his face as he adjusted his coat.

You hummed, grabbing his hand, intertwining.

"Damn, I don't think it's the haunted house you need to worry about. Your hands are freezing!"

He only scoffed, looking up at the château.

"This is a slow line. We could accept more customers in the lounge than this place."

"Well, we can't just expect the other people here to fly through the whole maze. That would be no fun at all. Besides, I like waiting with you." You grinned at him, squeezing his hand promptly.

A small blush spread across his face before he turned his head away.

After another fifteen minutes or so, you finally made it to the front of the maze.

"Two together please." You held up two fingers, handing your money to the operator before they ushered you and Azul inside.

The beginning of the maze was stuffy room that smelled faintly of smoke.

"Someone has smoker's breath." You quipped to yourself, looking around the room.

You didn't tell Azul, but you'd visited this haunted house a week prior, just to see what it had in store. It was also so you could see how Azul reacted to the maze.

Of course, you will still get scared, but you would roughly know your way around the maze.

"Here, this way I think. The air feels different." You lightly grabbed his sweater sleeve and pulled him towards the wall, feeling around the wallpaper.

"Ooh, we have to look for exits?"

"Yea, I think this is more of a puzzle maze than a jump scare maze."

You found a loose corner in the wallpaper and pulled until a doorway was exposed.

You turned to Azul, grinning and motioning for him to follow.

Throughout the haunted house you would stumble across rooms that required puzzles, some that had jumpscares, and some that had both.

In one particular room, Azul was trailing behind, looking at his surrounding when a scare actor jumped out, shrieking loudly and grabbing Azul.

Although you should've come to Azul's aid, you couldn't help but double over laughing.

The sound Azul made, you'd never heard anything like it. It was almost like a strained baby cry.

"Azul, oh, jeez-" you couldn't even talk, you were laughing so hard, "are you-are you okay Azul?" You finally straightened, wiping a stray tear from your eye and gliding over to him.

"Y-you laughed!" He pointed an accusing finger at you.

You wrapped your fingers around his, smiling.

"Yes. I. Did."

You were the leader throughout the whole maze, pulling him through rooms and away from potential scare factors.

"Its almost as if you already know this house, Y/N."

Chuckling, you turned to him, "I've been to a lot of haunted houses. I just have a better sense of the place than you."

He nodded, albeit still suspicious, but left the matter alone.

Towards the end, the hallways began to narrow, and you felt yourself sweating more than usual.

This wasn't a part of the house when you went last week.

Pressing your back against the back wall, you shuffled down the hallway, breathing in laboured breaths.

"Are you alright, Y/N?" Azul's concerned voice rang out behind you.

Craning your neck back, you saw the expression on his face. His eyebrows were creased, and his eyes showed sympathy.

"Y-yea! I uh, I hate small places, especially, ah, hallways. No where to turn, you know?"

You felt Azul's hand grab yours, and soon you found yourself escaping the cramped hallway.

"Hell yea! We made it!" You threw your hands up, cheering and grinning at Azul.

He smiled at you, plopping a hand on your head and ruffling your hair.

"Uh-huh. Now let's go home, I'm tired."

You nodded, winding your elbow with his.

"Yea, and we should grab some food beforehand too. I'm starving."

You marched together, arms intwined, eyes drooping, and worries cleared.

Floyd Leech

"Floyd, you can't, hey no, your foot goes through here!" Currently, you were having troubles helping Floyd into his costume.

"Jeez, I'm not in the mood for this.."

"Don't be a baby.. lord almighty, could Azul have chose any other costume genre? This looks like quarantine shopping all over again-"

You weren't absolutely sure what the Octavinelle costumes were supposed to be, but you did know that your costume was worlds better.

When Floyd finally had the costume on correctly, he grumbled, staring down at you.

"I don't want to trick and treat."

"'Neither do I, so let's hurry up. There will be candy."

Floyd's eyes brightened slightly at the mention of candy.

"Fine."

"Yea, there's your spirit." You said in a monotone voice, no less.

Instead of trick and treating around town, NRC set up a school system where students could visit dorms and staff rooms for treats. Something about giving the students some holiday cheer.

"I hope someone has calissons. I haven't had any of those for a while." You spoke, mostly to yourself, but Floyd retorted to your quip.

"Calissons are gross."

"You know nothing, feeble mortal."

The walk from your dorm to the first dorm, Heartslaybul, was quiet but not uncomfortable.

You honestly just wanted to get this over with so you could take a nap. Preferably after watching some horror movies or something of the sort.

You walked through the mirror to Heartslaybul, making it to the front gate and knocking on the door.

Both you and Floyd held out your trest baggies, letting out a bored "Trick or Treat" in unison.

You watched as Trey dropped candies into your baggies. There was some candy corn, carambars, chocolate, and a small plastic bag of chamallows.

You waved to Trey and made your way to the next stop.

"This is a kid's holiday, yea?"

"Not necessarily. People used to dress up before All Saint's Day because they didn't want the ghosts to eat their asses."

Floyd nodded, a michevious grin spreading across his face.

"It doesn't have to be Halloween to get your ass-"

You punched his arm, "oh shut up, you."

He snickered loudly, poking fun at you until you made it to the next dorm.

That's how the rest of the night continued. Go from dorm to dorm, collect your candies, then make jokes and quips between getting candy.

At the end of the night, you and Floyd headed back to your own dorm to exchange candies.

"I think we have most of our candy is the same-" You mentioned, dumping your candy on the ground.

"I don't have any carambars." Floyd spoke, reaching over and grabbing a handful of carambars from your pile.

"Hey! We're exchanging, not stealing!"

He shoved a piece of candy in his mouth, rolling his eyes and trifling through his candy baggie.

"Here, you can have these then."

He threw a plastic wrapping at you, going back to his own candies.

Picking up the wrapping, you smelled it briefly and smiled.

"Oh, so you had calissons? And you don't even like them."

He nodded, laughing to himself.

"Yea, I specifically asked Trein for those."

You chuckled quietly, turning the calissons over in your hand.

"Well, thank you. This has been my best trick or treat event ever."

Floyd nodded, giving you a toothy grin before shifting his focus back to the candies.

[classic80sand90smovieloves2]

Meeting and Dating Sticks

(My gif)(requested by anonymous)

- As a kid, you spent ever summer visiting your grandma and grandpas farm. It was the highlight of your year but there was something there that you wished you could avoid... Sticks.

- Ever since you were little the farmhands son would harass you, always trying to scare you, tease you, push you around. He infuriated you growing up and was the one thing you couldn’t stand about visiting your grandparents.

- He was also one of the first things that came to mind when your parents asked if you’d be willing to stay with them for a while as they packed up your old house. You’d be moving to the countryside not too far away from the farm as soon as they sold it.

- You figured that Sticks had to have grown up by then, you hadn’t seen him for over a year and who were you to turn down staying with your grandparents. You were... partly right.

- Stanley and Sticks picked you up from the bus station allowing you to get your first good look at the country boy “all grown up”. He’d gotten handsome was your first thought but the sentiment was lost the instant he opened his mouth.

“So the city slicker returns.”

- Immediately, you knew this prolonged visit wasnt going to be as peaceful as you thought it would. During your car ride, Sticks was relatively calm but after you got to the farm and were done settling in...the games began.

- Throughout the week, you were met with pranks, teasing, and all different annoyances. It seemed like Sticks genuinely just enjoyed seeing you get all worked up, and boy did you hate him for it. The thing you wanted most in the world was to wipe that smile off his face. But then things changed, well, not completely.

- It was a normal day, you’d been wandering around the farm trying to find something to do when you heard something in the barn. You figured something had fell over so you went inside to pick it up and maybe hang out in the straw for a while. When you went inside there was nothing seemingly out of place so you just went about hopping on the straw and exploring the bales.

- That was when Sticks popped out, scaring you half to death and laughing loudly as you shrieked. You yelled at him angrily, pushing him down while also managing to take yourself with him as you lost your footing. You ended up halfway on top of him and half poked by the straw.

- His laughter calmed as you realized his hands were on your sides, catching you before you crashed onto him. He didn’t seem all too fazed, aggravatingly content with your current situation. You quickly stumbled your way up and out of the barn, your cheeks burning hot as you made your escape.

- It was with abject horror that you realized you were falling for him. Slowly but surely you were noticing the redeemable qualities about him and disgusting yourself with those very same thoughts. Although you had to admit, he’d dialed down his pranks after the barn incident. You weren’t sure what it meant but you hoped it was good.

- Every now and again you’d catch his eyes on you, it felt as though he knew your secret and it bothered you to no end but you couldn’t risk confronting him. You couldn’t let him have a chance at embarrassing you even further. So you let him watch you and minded your business, keeping your distance as you tried to forget what your mind was pushing you to think about.

- It was a week or so later, you were walking by the cornfield when all of a sudden you were pulled in through the stalks. You shrieked but immediately clamped your mouth shut as you saw who it was. Guess who. He grinned even as you slapped his chest.

“What was that for!” You yelped, adjusting yourself as your heart attempted to slow itself down.

“I wanted to show you something.” He told you.

“And scare me half to death.” You glared

“Oh, don’t be a baby,” he scoffed amusedly. “Close your eyes.”

“Then how will I see what you want to show me.” You rebutted.

“Just close them, alright?” He said and you could have sworn he was nervous.

- So you closed them and waited. You were about to open them again to ask what he was trying to pull when something warm pressed against your lips. Your eyes flashed open as he quickly pulled away, watching you warily as he awaited your response. You weren’t sure what to say so you said nothing and began to walk down the trail between the corn.

- He called after you, hightailing it to catch up. Once he was at your side he apologized for everything, even the kiss, awkwardly stuttering his way through a confession of his feelings as you continued to walk. He pleaded with you not to tell anyone, telling you again that he was “real sorry for even trying”.

“Don’t be,” you finally said, taking a glance at him before hesitantly kissing his cheek and disappearing through the corn. You didn’t see it but the instant you were gone he jumped around, hidden behind the stalks with a massive grin on his face.

- Your first actual date was in the barn, he surprised you with a little set up in the loft. A soft blanket, food, music playing through a busted up radio; you had to admit, it was adorable. The two of you shared a real kiss and just like that the city slicker and the country boy were an item.

- You probably keep your relationship a secret from your parents and grandparents for a little while. You aren’t sure how they’ll react so you figure you’ll just see what happens between you two first, no sense making waves when you aren’t gonna surf.

- Theres not a lot of pda in your relationship mostly because he doesn’t want to get in trouble with your folks.

- He probably really likes cuddling but refuses to admit it because he’s a tough farm boy.

- Comparing accents and what you call things when you’re bored.

- He’s a fan of metal bands so you spend a lot of your time listening to them yourself.

- Every now and again he’ll ask you to help him cut his hair. You’ll sit on his bathroom sink and trim it while he rests his head in your lap.

- Sitting next to him for meals and secretly, purposefully brushing each other’s hands when passing food. Once in a while he’ll reach over and hold your hand under the table.

- Sticks kind of grew up differently than most kids. Where others were allowed to just be kids, he had to be grown up and much more responsible. Because of that, you’ll sometimes catch him acting like your father, telling you to do, or not to do, this or that.

- He’s always willing to help but usually teases that you owe him whenever he does.

- Anytime you walk away his eyes follow you until you’re out of view. Sometimes it’s subtle glances, other times not so much.

- Sharing looks with each other when things get weird.

- Accepting his father and his odd sayings wholeheartedly.

- His dad loves you almost as much as he does, platonically of course.

- Old habits die hard, right? He still likes scaring you but definitely doesn’t do it quite as much as he used to. He also likes telling you scary stories rather than trying to jumpscare you all the time.

- A part of him likes telling you ghost stories because they put you on edge and let him be your knight in shining armor, holding you close whenever you actually get scared.

- You’ve gotten used to his teasing by now so his incessant need to “occasionally” make your blood boil doesn’t affect you too much anymore.

- Teasingly stealing his gloves or hat when he’s not looking in retaliation.

- Resting in the straw together, you can’t remember how many times the two of you have fallen asleep in the barn.

- Whenever you’re ready to leave he tenderly picks pieces of it out of your hair, giving you a little smile as you peck him on the lips in return.

- Helping him with his pranks if they seem harmless enough.

- Occasionally helping him with his work so that he doesn’t kill himself trying to do everything by himself.

- Sometimes when you visit him while he’s working he’ll just start explaining what he’s doing or how something works. You never knew you could learn so much from just deciding to see your boyfriend.

- Kissing in the corn fields.

- Sneaking into his house late at night.

- Always stands behind your chair whenever you’re sitting. He does it so much that it feels weird not having his presence behind you whenever you’re somewhere without him.

- He always stands up for you no matter who he’s defending you from.

- He’s very protective, always keeping an eye on you or keeping you close. Whenever you’re encountering something he doesn’t like he’ll keep you behind him so that he can defend you if need be.

- Hes really good at comforting you whenever you’re worried, sad or scared; more so when he isn’t the direct cause of it.

- Eating pie together.

- Watching the stars or clouds (depending on the time of day). You lay your head against his arm as the two of you lie on your backs in one of the many open fields around the farm.

- Going on long walks together.

- Your grandparents probably don’t like the idea of you going off on your own so they made a rule that if you want to go somewhere in town you need to bring Sticks along completely unaware of the irony.

- Piggy back rides.

- Really likes getting kisses on the cheek. There’s just something so nice about it especially if you just do it out of nowhere.

- He probably still, jokingly, calls you “city slicker” but when he’s actually trying to use a pet name he’ll just say hon, darlin, missy or some kind of name that means something in your relationship.

- He probably built you a tire swing at some point so the two of you visit that and play around on it when he isn’t working.

- He likes listening to you read or talk while he does menial tasks. It makes his day a little less boring and let’s him appreciate how nice your voice is.

- He picks you little wild flowers he finds while working. Sometimes they end up a little wilted before he can give them to you but you appreciate the gesture.

- It’s pretty easy to get him worked up so fights happen... I wouldn’t say often but certainly not rarely. He’ll raise his voice but never quite yells at you, he just can’t bring himself to do it no matter how mad he gets in the moment.

- It doesn’t take long for the two of you to make up. Most of your fights are petty arguments just...louder. You’ll both apologize and hug and that will be the end of it.

- Sticks isn’t a very jealous person but he has his moments. Whenever he does get jealous the main reason behind it is his own insecurities. He can’t help but think it would be easier for you to date anyone but him. You wouldn’t have to deal with evil scarecrows or strange dads or dumb farmboys that don’t even work on their own farm.

- You always reassure him that you don’t want anyone else but him. He’s the only farmboy, the only boy at all, that you could ever love.

- He likes you, the real you, odd quirks and all. In fact, he finds the strange things about you kind of endearing in a way. It gives him more to learn about you and love.

- Even though he doesn’t say it very often, he really does love you. He never realized someone could make him as happy as you do. You really changed his life for the better.

[larryssunflower]

The Non-Royal Romance, season two, part one

last part of season 1    teaser trailer   masterlist

(really bad) summary: TRR AU where MC (Alana Rhys) is the now queen of Cordonia, and Liam was part of the suitors in line to marry her. Drake Walker is Alana’s personal bodyguard, and as the season goes on, their feelings for each other only get stronger. After an assassination attempt during the coronation ball, Alana’s mother announces without her consent that she will marry Liam, to both Drake and Alana’s dismay. This season is dedicated to Alana’s and Liams engagement tour, and what will happen as it goes on

pairing: Drake Walker x MC x Liam (kinda)

tagging-  @ravenpuff02 @simplyaiden-blog @msjr0119 @butindeed @mfackenthal @axwalker @choices-lurker @american-duchess @drakelover78 @monosodiumglutamateme @crookedslimecreatorpasta @mrsdrakewalkerblog @traeumerinwitzhelden @gardeningourmet @speedyoperarascalparty @agent-zephyrkah @liam-rhys-x-mc-x-constantine @snyggflicka @texaskitten30 @annekebbphotography @irishwhiskys-blog @nomadics-stuff @catlady0911 @twinkle-320 @i-bloody-love-drake-walker @drakewalker04 @bigmemesplz @jovialyouthmusic @sleepwalkingelite @pintobomb @moneyfordiamonds​ @mskaneko​ @lauzales​ @princessleac1​ @kingliam2019​ 

----

*six months after the coronation ball*

These past few months have been difficult, I’m not going to lie. I’ve spent the majority of my time living in the Beaumont manor, recovering my shoulder and having well deserved space from my mother. Luckily the interactions I have had with Liam have been brief, I can’t bring myself to act like I’m in love with him because he thinks I actually chose him and I don’t have the balls to tell him he wasn’t my choice. No one knows that it was my mother’s decision and I’m in love with my former bodyguard. The perfect Queen huh?

I haven’t seen Drake since the incident. It was so perfect for that short span of time where he loved me back and we were finally together. But that changed... thanks to my mother. My memory is still hazy due to the pain medication and all I remember is the incident on tv, falling asleep at one point with Drake by my side, and waking up and he was gone. My mom said he just up and left. 

I don’t blame him if I’m being honest. Who would want to be with this train wreck? I sigh, running my hands through my dirty hair. I know it’s pathetic, but I haven’t really been taking care of myself recently. I started getting night terrors, every time I’m in that ballroom, my friends and family being slaughtered around me, time and time again and I can’t do anything to help them. Maxwell always wakes me up with a hug, holding me as I sob in his arms.

We still haven’t found who orchestrated the assassination attempt. It’s not easy when your country is relatively peaceful with very few enemies.

I trace my fingers over my scar on my shoulder. My doctor said it could take up to a year to function normally again. Thank god it’s not fatal, but the psychological toll hasn’t been easy. I can’t help this horrible feeling of guilt every time I think about the ball. They were there to kill me, and harmed my friends to get there. Who knows what else they will do to get to me or my friends the second time?

I let out a breath shakily, looking out the window. Theres no point thinking like that. That’s all I have been doing, stressing over things I can’t control. 

All I know is that the engagement tour is starting tonight, and I have to speak to people again. I have to spend time with Liam, try to pretend to be in love, try to pretend that I’m not falling apart. I have to do this without Drake by my side. A horrible feeling pangs in my stomach anytime I think about him. I lost the one person I have ever felt this way about and maybe its a good thing. It wasn’t fair to him, our whole relationship- if you could call it that. 

I eventually drag myself into a well-needed shower, letting the hot water melt away the tension in my back. I don’t have a choice anymore, all I can do is try to do my best tonight. That’s all I can do.

—-

I wake up, and immediately look to my left. Drake isn’t there. I frown, sitting up in my uncomfortable hospital bed, ignoring the pain in my shoulder and looking around. “Drake?” I ask, hoping he’s just in the other room. The door opens and my mom walks in, looking somber. A wave of anger flows over my body as I remember what she did. “Where is he.” I demand, my chest tight. She looks at me for a moment, not saying anything. “Where. is. he.” I demand harshly, making her sigh as I stare at her, my heart pounding.

“I didn’t want to tell you this way, but he’s gone.” My mother says much too simply, her everlasting sense of disapproval emulating from her gaze. Tears spring to my eyes as I digest what she said. “G-Gone?” I ask, swallowing thickly. My mother nods, walking over and sitting delicately on my bed. “Once you had fallen asleep, He left the room. I tried to ask him where he was going but he just said ‘I can’t do it anymore’ and walked away without a second glance.” She explains, making my heart break. Tears pool and spill onto my cheeks. I look down at my blurry hands which have began shaking.

“I’m so sorry honey,” My mother says, trying to hold my hand. I yank it away from her, fuming. “Don’t touch me.” I grit through my teeth, my conflicting feelings of anger, abandonment, loss, and love waging a war inside of me. “I can’t believe you! how could you do this to my life? Leave! please,” I beg, my voice shaking embarrassingly. My mother closes her mouth, pressing her lips together. “So be it.” She says, monotone. She gets up, and walks out the door.

I fall back against my pillow, tears pouring out of my eyes.

He’s gone.

—-

I brush my now soft, clean hair, and watch as it falls gently on my shoulders. My baby pink dress is form fitting, the straps thick enough to hide the scar on my shoulder. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

Not sure if that’s really true, because I haven’t seen Drake in six months but... he is not out of my mind. It hurts more knowing that he probably doesn’t even care about me, especially since he walked out when it got rough and has probably moved on when all i do is think about him.

I watch my door open in the reflection of my mirror, my mother walking in. “You clean up well hon,” My mother says, her hopeful smile on that face. She has been trying really hard to make it up to me. “Thanks,” I say quietly, looking down at my clasped hands, my heavy, expensive ring on my left hand. The ornate gold ring pairs with a large crystal clear diamond, surrounded by smaller diamonds in a teardrop shape. Its beautiful, but feels foreign. Liam brought it to me in the hospital a couple weeks after Drake left. My mother was watching carefully as I smiled and accepted the ring, giving Liam a kiss in thanks. The next day, a picture of me in my hospital bed and Liam presenting his ring to me was all over the gossip news and magazines. My mother pretended to be outraged but I knew she set it up. She’s a smart diplomat, I’ll give her that. She always knows what she’s doing.

“Tonight’s the big night! Your first event as Queen!” My mother says enthusiastically, and I nod absentmindedly, fiddling with the ring. I haven’t worn it since the day in the hospital, and it’s just been sitting on my bedside table, collecting dust and eating away at my stomach. My mother sighs. “Why can’t you be happy? Will you ever forgive me?” She asks, and I look up at her in the mirror, my expression unchanged. “I’ve told you many times how you could earn my forgiveness and respect back.” I say, referencing a past conversation we had, keeping my voice flat and even. My mother purses her lips. “Well then. I’ll see you tonight at the party. Stay presentable,” My mother orders, before swiftly turning away, stalking out the door. I scoff, shaking my head.

—-

(Drake’s p.o.v)

I clench my jaw, punching the bag in front of me repeatedly. All my anger, regret, and frustration pouring out as I beat the punching bag, making it shake violently back and forth, it’s chain groaning.

I eventually stop, breathing heavily. I sigh, wiping the sheen of sweat off my forehead. All I can think about is her. As pathetic as that is. “You okay man?” the gym manager, Greg, asks. I nod, without looking up. “Yeah thanks, I’m fine,” I breathe, sitting down on the bench behind me, looking down as I unwrap my knuckles.

For a brief moment I’m back in that room, watching as she treats my fresh wounds, the light from the windows softly framing her beautiful face, whiskey flowing through my veins because that was the only way I could attempt to calm my nerves, being so close to her. I sigh, trying to push her from my mind.

She doesn’t want you anymore. 

“Hey uh, someone’s here to see you,” Greg says, his tone shifted. I look up in confusion and see Alana’s mother standing behind him, clearly uncomfortable in the dingy gym. I stand up quickly, suddenly feeing self conscious about my sweaty gym clothes.

Greg senses the tension and tentatively walks away, giving us a strange look. I guess it’s not every day that one of his patrons is visited by the recently former Queen. I look back at Regina, anger building back up within me. “How can I help you, Your Majesty?” I ask turning my head to the side, my nose flaring angrily. She blinks. “I deserve that,” she admits, looking down at the dingy floor. “I came here with a proposition for you,” She says, looking back up at me, making me furrow my brow in confusion.

—-

(Alana’s p.o.v)

“You got this Al, I know you do.” Maxwell reassures me, his eyes kind. I smile, “Thanks Max,” I say, taking a deep breath. “I know you’ve had a tough couple months, but you may as well try to have a good time tonight,” Maxwell says, and I nod. We start to walk out of my room and down the hall, Maxwell’s arm slung around my shoulders. “We can get drunk just like old times,” Maxwell laughs in my ear, making me laugh. “Oh those were the days,” I sigh contently, my good friend making me smile.

We laugh as we make our way to the main entryway, separating as we walk down the stairs. I look up at the sound of the front doors opening and stop in my tracks. In walks in my mother and...Drake?

A wall of emotion hits me so hard, I feel as though I could fall over. The man I love, the man I swear to at night, the man who broke my heart, standing just a few feet away from me, in a frustratingly handsome navy suit, avoiding my eye contact.

“I got your bodyguard back, now, let’s leave before we are late to your engagement party,” My mother says, a satisfied smile on her face. I snap back to reality, nodding wordlessly. I walk down the stairs, not being able to look Drake in the eyes. As I pass him through the doorway, I feel his hand on my lower back, guiding me through. Chills spread over my arms and I keep walking, my face burning in embarrassment. I feel like a spoiled child whose parent forced some child to be my friend. I can’t believe she remembered.

Five months ago my mother asked how she could earn my forgiveness, and I simply said ‘bring him back’.

I step into the back of our black SUV, Maxwell following behind me. My mother gets into her own car with her bodyguard, and Drake sits up front with the driver. I can feel Max’s gaze on mine, but I don’t look at him, my stomach fluttering unpleasantly. I’m not eager to see the expression of my good friend’s face. I’m torn between being overjoyed that the man I love is so close to me again, and angry because that same man broke my heart six months ago. How can he just sit there, no emotion, after what he did? How much is my mother paying him? I cringe, looking out the window, waiting until we arrive.

—-

Our cars pull up onto the gravel drive, the Amaranth Manor glittering in the warm night. Home to one of the Cordonia most notable noble family, their daughter being Madeline. I only met on her on a couple of occasions- she’s... not my taste. 

The cars roll to a stop just in front of the large doors, my nerves fluttering. I haven’t been in public like this in so long. My car door opens, and for the fist time in six months, I make direct eye contact with Drake. Just like that, all my reservations and cautiousness is out the window, replaced with the familiar feeling of overwhelming love and longing for Drake. A feeling I’ve tried to ignore for these past months that I just can’t hold it back anymore.

I get lost in those warm, brown, beautiful eyes, butterflies erupting in my stomach. I force myself to look away, gulping nervously. I take a deep breath, take his hand, and step down off the SUV. The manor is lit up with warm lights, music playing loudly through the french doors which are open wide for the warm summer air. I look over and see two men waiting for me one of whom is Liam, the other, I don’t recognize. Liam grins, walking over and enveloping me in an embrace. I smile, hugging him back. He kisses my cheek as he pulls away, his eyes twinkling in the moonlight. “So nice to see you again babe,” He says, and I grin. “Yes it is,” I smile. Liam turns, gesturing for the other man to walk over.

“This is my brother, Leo. He’s joining us on our tour,” Liam explains. “Ah, so nice to meet you!” I exclaim, holding out my hand. Leo takes it, placing a kiss on my knuckles. “It’s my pleasure Your Majesty,” Leo says in a smooth voice. I smile politely, and we head over to the entrance. I glance over my shoulder, spotting Maxwell throwing his arm over Liam, talking pleasantly with his friend, and Drake, following behind.

We enter the main ballroom, where many of the suitors form last season are, now with women of nobility. I feel slightly intimidated as we walk in, and they go nearly quiet. We are announced and the voices start up again, louder this time. Liam and I start getting bombarded by nobles, ready to congratulate us on our engagement. We maneuver through the party, my jeweled hand resting on Liam’s arm, in clear view. Drake trails behind us, but I try not to think or look at him, not sure how I will react. I get many compliments on my ring from noble women, many of whom will be my bridesmaids, even though I barely know any of them.

Hours into the party and a couple noble women stand out, like the extremely nice woman Hana Lee, the bubbly Penelope Ebrim, the cultured french woman Kiara Theron, and of course, Madeline. “Step-Cousin! So nice to see you,” Madeline says in a hard-to-tell but definitely fake smile. “Lovely to see you as well! Thank you for hosting,” I smile back. She studies me for a moment, before turning to Liam. “Liam. It’s been a while, you look well,” Madeline says, a slight blush forming on her cheeks. “You too Madeline,” Liam grins. She looks at him for a moment, before turning to me.

“Looking forward to the wedding? I bet it will be just lovely,” Madeline says, an edge to her voice. What is her problem? “Yeah definitely! Um- would you two excuse me for a moment? I think I just need some fresh air,” I say, and they both nod. “Are you okay?” Liam asks quietly, his hand on my forearm. I nod with a smile, gently releasing myself from his grip. “Yes! I’ll be right back,” I say cheerfully, kissing his cheek quickly, before turning and making my way through the ballroom and out one of the open doors, into the secluded garden. I walk for a bit in the quiet, until I’m far enough to be out of sight from the party, and sit down on a stone bench outside. I sigh, a feeling of relief washing over me, happy to finally be alone again.

I honestly forgot the stress of being a noble - and now I’m Queen. god, what have I gotten myself into?

I suddenly hear a branch break, and whip my head to see Drake, standing just a bit away from me. I sigh. “Why did you follow me?” I ask, feeling an overwhelming sense of exhaustion from the situation. He sighs. “I’m just trying to do my job.” Drake says, shifting uncomfortably. I nod slightly, looking down.

After a moment, Drake talks again, “I don’t know why you wanted me back as your bodyguard, you seemed like you were done with us.” He says quietly. I scoff, standing up indignantly, facing him. “Excuse me? I was the one who was done? Last time I checked, you were the one who walked out,” I say angrily, glad I walked far enough from the crowded party to have privacy.

Drake looks at me, clear confusion in his face. “You didn’t want me with you. Your mother made me leave when- when it happened. After you fell asleep she told me that you were done with us, that you couldn’t take it anymore. You forced me out of your life, I didn’t walk out.” Drake explains, his annoyingly calm voice just making me more confused.

“But my mom told me...” I stop, my heart pounding. I look up at Drake, who is staring back at me, his eyes wide. It starts to click. Why did I just trust what my mom said after what she did? His Adam’s apple bobs up and back down. “You didn’t want me to leave did you?” He asks quietly. I shake my head. “You didn’t give up on me?” I ask, gulping. He nears me. “No. never. You have no idea how much I fought. I was at the hospital every day, trying to find a way to see you, to change your mind. Eventually they threatened me with arrest. The next day, you were moved to another hospital. I kept trying, I didn’t stop, as much as I probably should have. You have no idea how many stupid gossip magazines I bought just to get any information about you, to see if you were okay,” Drake says with a chuckle, making me snort at the picture of Drake buying gossip magazines, my stomach fluttering with happiness. He didn’t give up on us.

We look at each other for a moment, just staring. “I missed you,” I say softly, my voice cracking. Something breaks within Drake and he pulls me towards him, embracing me tightly. I sigh, melting into his familiar arms, clinging onto his shoulders. He buries his face into my neck, making me sigh with content. Something I haven’t felt for months. I curl my fingers in his hair, pulling gently. After a moment, he pulls away from the embrace, his eyes scanning my face.

In a second, our lips are connected. It’s hesitant at first, still unsure, our mutual feelings of hurt still lingering between us. I let out a small moan, the feeling of his lips on mine intoxicating after months of feeling nothing. I clearly did something right, because Drake groans, pulling me closer than imagined, his hands roaming up and down my sides. All these months of to re-living our kisses in the middle of the night could not have prepared me for how I feel in this moment. My heart soaring, my nerves on fire, wanting- no begging- for more contact. 

Once my lungs are burning for air, we break apart, breathing heavily. “God, I missed you too,” Drake says, his voice an octave lower than usual, making my heart swoop into my stomach. God, how does he have such an impact on me? Just his deep voice makes me want to jump his bones. I gulp, looking up at him. “What now?” I ask, and he looks down. “Honestly? I’m not sure,” He says quietly.

I bring my hand up, caressing his cheek, making him look up at me. He blinks, looking deeply into my eyes. “All I know is that I can’t lose you again. I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with this engagement situation, but I will never give up on us.” I say with every fiber in my being, hoping he understands my sincerity. He nods, a strange look in his eyes. Before I can question him, my phone goes off. I look down to see a text from Liam, asking me where I am.

I sigh, a feeling of guilt creeping up on me. Just because I don’t want to be with Liam doesn’t mean I want to hurt him. “What is it?” Drake asks, and I sigh. “I have to get back in there, as much as I wish I could stay out here with you,” I say, longing to stay forever with Drake, never having to leave his side again. His face falls slightly, before he smiles. “Hey, at least we figured this out. It was hard thinking that you didn’t want me for six months,” Drake says, making me smile. “Yeah, I’m glad we figured this out,” I say, and He looks at me for a moment, before swooping in, giving me a sweet kiss. I happily kiss back, before we both pull away.

“Time to go back in I guess,” I say, and He nods. We walk through the garden, back into the crowded party, my stomach still fluttering with butterflies after that kiss. Drake stays a good distance behind me, which is probably smart because if I could, I would never stop trying to touch or kiss him, which would be a bit concerning for the nobles, as they are at the engagement party for me and a different man. Leo, Liam’s brother pulls me aside gently. “Oh hi Leo,” I say, and he looks at me for a moment. “Did you enjoy your breath of fresh air?” He asks, making my stomach drop. He didn’t see did he? “Yeah, sometimes parties like this are suffocating and I just need a break,” I say, keeping my voice level.

Leo studies me for a mother moment, a sly smirk creeping onto his face. “hmm, I like you,” He says in a thoughtful way as I smile back, my heart pounding. Did he see me and Drake? “Thank you, I’m glad my future brother in law approves,” I say with a slightly nervous chuckle. I can’t figure Leo out, is he threatening me?

 “Hey what’s up babe?” Liam asks, coming over to us, sliding a hand around my waist. I glance over to see Drake staring daggers at Liam’s hand. Funny how things never change. It makes me blush knowing Drake is protective over me. “Oh, nothing, just talking to your lovely brother,” I smile, clearly making Liam happy. “I’m glad! You two are very important to me,” He says, and we start a perfectly pleasant conversation.

The night moves on, we dance for a while, eat some appetizers, drink some champagne and before I know it, the party is over. I say goodbye to Liam, making my way to my assigned room away from him, which may have been orchestrated by my step-cousin, little does she know that’s my ideal scenario. Honestly she can try to steal Liam away, I’m not going to stop her.

Drake and I stop outside my door. “I guess I should try to get some sleep,” I say, and he nods. My tongue darts out to wet my lips nervously. “Do you want to come in?” I ask, my stomach bubbling with nerves. Drake looks down at me, a heat in his eyes. “I really shouldn’t Alana,” He says, and I nod. I bite my lip, thinking about how out-of-hand we could get. Probably not the best idea. “Okay then, goodnight,” I say, giving him a quick hug. He hugs back, kissing my cheek lightly, making my face heat up. He makes me feel like a schoolgirl, blushing over my crush kissing my cheek. So stupid. “Goodnight Your Highness,” he whispers, making me take in a sharp breath. He is really making this hard for me.

He releases me from the hug, leaning back, a satisfied grin on his face. I huff. “G-Goodnight,” I say, turning and going into my room, the stupid blush never leaving my face.

I change out of my dress and into pajamas and flop onto my bed, thinking about earlier. I‘m so frustrated that I actually believed my manipulative mother for so long. I feel like I betrayed him by believing her, but he believed her too I guess. I stare at the pale blue ceiling above me, thinking about the kiss. God, the way he pulled me closer. He has to know what he does to me. It’s honestly unfair at this point.

I naw at my bottom lip, butterflies fluttering inside me. I glance over to the door and see the edge of his shadow outside my door. My heart warms at the thought of being so close to him again. Before long, I drift off to sleep.

—-

I glance around, watching as everyone dances. The warm lights glow pleasantly, the music muffled, but nice. I smile as I see Max and Allie together, laughing. A feeling of warmth radiates through my body. I glance over and see Drake, smiling over at me. A strange feeling of familiarity falls over me slowly. Wait... This is the coronation ball, oh no.Suddenly, the warm lights go out. The ball is dark and suddenly a horrible cold feeling washes over me. I know what’s coming. No! I have to warn them! I try to scream, try to warn everyone to get down, but nothing will come out. I look down and see myself chained to a post, and feel the duck tape on my mouth.

The lights turn on again, and the assassins don’t hesitate opening fire on everyone. I scream as their bodies fall over, fighting with everything in me to be free, to help them. One near me turns, and aims and Drake. “No!” I try to say, nothing coming out. Drake just looks over at me in fear and then the assassin shoots him, making him collapse. I scream, thrashing against the binds, and suddenly, I’m in my room, and Drake is by my side, holding onto my shoulders, clearly concerned. I let out the largest sigh of relief, throwing my arms around him tightly. Tears fall out of my eyes and my shoulders shake as I sob in his arms. He holds me tightly, His body warmth calming me down. He just keeps whispering softly “it’s okay, you’ll be alright,” as I cry. 

As soon as I start to calm down, I let go of my death grip on him, leaning back. “Are you alright?” He asks, deeply concerned. I sigh, calming my nerves. “Y-yes, I am now. Sorry since the ball I’ve had these horrible dreams...” I trail off, stopping before I cry again. He reaches out, brushing my hair from my face. “It’s okay, you don’t need to apologize to me, I know nightmares better than anyone,” He says, and I nod, remembering that night when I found him in his bed, screaming in his sleep. “I had no idea you had them now,” He says sadly, looking into my eyes. “Yeah, um- if I’m being honest, I’ve been a hot mess since the ball and then my ‘surprise engagement’,” I say bitterly, fumbling with my hands in my lap. 

Drake rests his hand on mine, making me stop, looking up at him. “That makes two of us,” He says gently. My heart breaks thinking about Drake being just as heart-broken as me. “At least we’re in this together, right?” I say, and he nods, a small smile on his face. “Always.”

He stays by my side until I fall asleep.

--------------

-end-

I’m back! I know there’s a lot of crazy thing going on in the world right now which is horrible, but hopefully it will bring change with it! How did you guys like the first part? I love to hear your feedback ;) Thank you all for your support over the years now (crazy!) for this fic! It’s honesty hard for me to read earlier chapters, I feel like I’ve changed so much since the beginning haha. Anyway, I know this wasn’t the best part, but there are so many more exciting things I have planned! Again, thank you all for your support, if it wasn’t for all your kind words I would not have gotten so far! Love you all! 

-Ella xx

[yodamn]

I'm adding on to my soft post about older siblings and parents to clones.

a head nurse who tells a particularly stubborn clone to get back in bed. Does the Mom Voice AND counts to three and he immediately goes back to bed.

a nurse who had a few little sisters. And since mom was always a little too busy, THEY were on Hair Duty. So maybe tup is in Med Bay and hella uncomfortable and his hair is just ugh all over the place. So big brother/sister is like Braid Time! And Tup. Just. Melts. And falls asleep.

bounty hunter hired by the republic to train clones. Little did the Kaminioans know is that they had a soft spot for kids. And maybe they come across a cadet or baby clone whos upset for one reason or another and they calm him down and cuddle him and maybe do that nose stroke like in Frozen 2

ive noticed that sometimes peoples families are really different. Mine is really close knit and physical with each other, meanwhile a friend of mines is just not as touchy feely. Well maybe theres a nat-born whos really physical and you know. We all know how touch starved the clones are. So like maybe at one point the nat-born sees a clones just laying and automatically just lays across him in cat pile fashion. Not even thinking about it. And then all the Clones are like Ö can we? And the officer is like ??? Of course? Like just, cuddling bro.

an older sibling officer who sees a Clone or Jedi who's got that look. Like a look of "Im just done, I'm so tired, I just want a hug but I'm not gonna ask for it bc i have to be professional and serious" and they are like alright guess I gotta. Guess its big sibling time idk. Come here you big emotionally constipated lug lemme give you a hug, a warm drink, and a soft blanket. Im here to listen.

or or or just like. Momma Bear. Someone sees a clone being yelled at or just like bullied or whatever and they go full get the FUCK away from my baby so help me God ill rip you THREE new ones. And once again clones are like Ö you did that for us?

Like maybe in the Senate someone is like clones are just weapons they are lower than low. And senator is a parent or older sibling and sometimes. Sometimes you can tell what they are thinking by body language. Especially shinies who havent fully gotten a hold of like hiding emotions. Senator sees that and like anger fills them. How dare you. How dare you.

A civilian sees a couple clones playing a their younger siblings or kids and its like well guess i gained a few new fully adult and armed kids/guess I have new siblings idk.

OR I saw someone sent in an ask to () about Pet Foolery and about Pixie and Brutus. And how Brutus was like Wolffe. And its. Like. What if. Wolf Pack gets a little stowaway or plo gets a new itty bitty padawan, a lost kid or you know SOMETHING. Kid becomes legit attached to Wolffe and the rest of the Pack and they get just as attached to them. Start calling them their "pup". Kids like !!! Look! Look at this cool rock! And these adult men are all like ÖÖÖ Cool Rock! Cool! Or plo brings them sweets and they are like ÖöÖÖ candies? I jus I love it. Or maybe conversely the Wolf Pack is like ugh its a brat but the kids either like FUCK you we are friends now or is too starry eyed at these huge guys to realize they dont like them. And maybe a whole "you mean you dont like me?" Scene happens like in Finding Nemo where baby gets upset and as SOON as tears start welling up theres 300 Clones Arming up to defend them and scare whoever doesnt like the babychild. Babychild falls asleep ON them and they cant move jus UGH so cute.

little kid goes to wrecker and says "I love you THIS much" and stretch their arms as wide as they possibly can and wrecker is like Ö and does the same and the kids like thats alot! And wreckers like Yeah!

kid gravitating to clones who Dont Like Kids. Bc kids are Like That. Like Cats.

kids, younglings, or padawans drawing pictures for the Corosaunt Guard or other clones and giving it to them. Them keeping Every. Single. One. And putting them all over their barracks.

Some pictures that were drawn specifically for THAT individual clone are kept with them even in battle. Like maybe one youngling in the creche was enamored by Cody when Obi Wan came to visit and was nice. Next time the kid saw him they gave him a picture of the two of them with the word friends spelt wrong under neath the two smiling figures and legend says Cody still has it to this day.

kids giggling and playing with the clones helmets, running around pretending to be them. Or making their own "armor" from cardboard or scrap pieces.

one really feisty kid having NO problem telling someone off for being rude, doesnt matter who it is. One time Anakin got snippy and kiddo walks up and says with all seriousness and courage "Youre Mean and a Bully". Ahsoka thought it was hilarious, Rex was honored by his courageous knight in shining robes and tiny pigtails.

Older siblings not really forcing the clones to accept their help but still like "Hey I'm big sister/brother and you gotta deal with it, I'm here if you need me" like if they see they have something on their faces and dont know the older sibling will wipe it off with mass protest. Coordinating with older clones to harmlessly embarrass younger clones. Or to get them to calm down.

I cant write for shit but im gonna have to try bc I gots some ideas. Ive got mostly fluffy soft domestic stuff but still 👀👀👀

[karmanticmoved]

1-85 uwu

j esus okay

1. describe yourself.

uh,, emotional ig, dumbass, quiet, exhausted all of the time, v queer, healthy mix of feminine and masculine, insecure, and not tha t great tbh. kinda a pussy ass b itch

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be?

idrk. maybe somewhere like a hella nice beach in another country, maybe somewhere in europe. i like travelling but i hate the travel to get there and have no money so i havent put thought into it. maybe hawaii or somewhere like that.

3. do you have siblings?

the one thats still alive is my half brother

4. what is your favorite constellation, why?

orion maybe bc i don't know a lot but i can see that one from my bedroom window even in the city n idk. its comforting. or scorpius cause i'm a scorpio

5. favorite color.

yellow, pink, or blue.

6. what kind of music do you listen to?

almost anything. whatever catches my interest.

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome)

forgot what i said last time but those

yellow carnations i think?

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn?

maybe smth to put myself to sleep immediately bc f uCk

9. favorite childhood memory.

my summer camp memories are pretty great. also memories of my dad and i going fishing are good.

10. have you ever been cheated on?

i mean in theory i couldve been bc online relationships but no. n im polyam and have identified as such for a majority of my relationships so no.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be?

big but not too big, yknow? like big enough that it can be filled and have room to walk around and lay on the ground or whatever but not Empty. and a pretty big bed to stretch out on, n a closet in the room. multiple windows w blackout curtains so theres light but it can be blocked out. n fluffy rugs or carpeting but preferably rugs in case smth spills so we can get it out of at least Remove the rug. and probably a cat tree thing in corner for dipper. n a computer desk and actual lights that light up the whole room. but probably,, fairy lights too bc full lights too bright. and i kinda want a pink room but blue or yellow work also. a nd pride flags on the walls + posters and various other stuff bc plain walls are boring. and tons n tons of b ooks too.

12. favorite animal.

river otter

13. what was the last photo you took of?

cat

14. do you believe in soul mates?

i'm not sure. i do kinda think there are people who you will like. really really click with and who become so important in your life that they're like. apart of u yknow? but i don't think that anyone as an individual needs to keep those people in their life forever. they arent destined to stay with them, and they shouldnt force that relationship (platonic, familial, romantic, or whatever) even if they were close for years and years. screw destiny. youll have people you care about, and sometimes you have to break that bond to save yourself, and thats okay. there will be other people who can and will be just as important. that got kinda off topic skbsks. i don't think theres really like Destiny soulmates. but there could be like. soulmates in the sense of for however long we're together, we're soul bonded. even if its not forever. does that even make se nse skbsns

15. do you hang toilet paper over or under?

over is the one thats socially acceptable right

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.

idk theres a place near a movie theater closeish to my house and its a nice little cafe and i dont eat there bc i dont eat much in general but i get their bubble tea and i love. raspberry bubble tea w rose popping bubbles. its comfort drink.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

no. sometimes shit happens for no reason, and its bullshit, but you can't reverse it, so you gotta figure out how to move on from it.

18. guilty pressures?

im assuming thats meant to be pleasures

umm,, idrk. i don't know what exactly i like that would count as a guilty pleasure so,,

19. favorite mythical creature, why?

merpeople are s o cool i fuckin. love funky aquatic pals hell yeah. maybe im just Water babey but. they're rad. dragons are also hella cool bc like dragons???? theyre scaly and prett y and can breathe fire or have wings and kill u?? also like selkies bc again. water. but i used to hear a lot of stories abt them and theyre so nea t

20. something most people don’t know about you.

i have the potential to be a huge asshole and also kinda Wish to fuckin murder someone sometimes but. i act nice most of the time anyway.

not murder murder but i can get angr y enough that i just wanna Stab smth

21. where did you grow up, what was it like?

grew up kinda near the edge of the city, still in it but not like the main city area. in western washington. it was kinda rly boring, i used to spend a lot more time outside or just by myself playing with leaves or toys or whatever. when i had friends i played make believe w them even when outside of school. so yeah. boring id say.

22. do you believe aliens exist?

sure.

23. what was your last google search?

other than names for some actors n stuff, i was looking up various star wars things

24. what did your last relationship teach you?

the one that like. ended? i guess thatd be. be careful with your own feelings and try to figure them out before jumping into anything, and also don't try to force smth that in reality isnt really working.

25. would you relocate for love?

honestly yeah

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy?

both. it just depends on how badly i or someone i care about was hurt by it. more likely to hold a grudge if a friend was hurt by someone d eep enough to leave a lasting impact or if they don't get a genuine apology i will be 🔫🔫. or if the person keeps hurting them. even if that person is also my friend.

27. favorite book.

favorite graphic novel is bloom by kevin panetta

favorite books in general are autoboyography, more happy than not, and what if its us. all gay. i know. its okay. im a kinnie.

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

introvert by far

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now?

i tried once. i probably will have to once i go see a therapist, or at least one for my Bad Thoughts

30. top 5 favorite movies.

in no particular order

little shop of horrors, love simon, coco, it (2017 and 1990), and shazam! ig? maybe others but i definitely Forgot all the shit ive watched

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

no

32. what is your greatest fear?

definitely gotta be all of the people i love hating me and abandoning me or secretly hating me and then leaving me without saying anything. and the worst part is im always afraid its gonna happen babeyy

33. favorite alcoholic beverage.

im baby

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done.

im embarrassed by my own existence. i don't remember the Most embarrassing thing

35. do you believe in ghosts?

not until i have proof that i can actually trust and believe in

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality?

idk ig im nice. but im also. very easily set off on certain emotions especially the bad ones which sucks like especially jealousy bc i dont wanna!! feel jealous!! tho i think that ties into my greatest fear bc my brain immediately tells me im useless to everyone and they hate me. but. sometimes i get jealous and then feel bad for that and then hate myself for all of it. bc my friends deserve to hang out w other people and care about other people im just fucking stupid babey !!

37. should you split the dinner bill?

i rly don't get why you wouldnt tbh like if u both wanna be there u should both pay. but if one person gonna pay it should be the person that asked.

38. are you a good liar?

most of the time. when it comes to my mental health i can either lie great or im literally breaking down in front of the person so

39. what keeps you up at night?

depressing thoughts. anxiety about everything. wishing i could cuddle and fall asleep w jay. sometimes i just cant sleep bc im too restless.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music?

music. i need my phone to text my friends and i Need my friends

41. do you believe in god?

what god would let the world get to the point its at. what god would allow people to do such fucked up shit.

no. i don't.

42. how do you relax when frustrated?

cry, take a nap, take a shower, listen to music, cuddle dipper

43. what’s something that offends you?

when people go "oh yeah i support gay rights but im still gonna eat at chick fil a bc its good" like i get so fucking. pissed off by that. youre not gonna fucking s ta rv e without their goddamn chicken. i know a bi person who goes there and says its okay bc they dont Directly Give Their money to Specifically anti gay organisations but im just. ugh. fucking pissed bc there are other places to get food just avoid the one place for fucks sake. their food is good it doesnt matter. its like saying yeah pewdiepie is a bad person and nazi and a racist asshole but his videos r funni haha so im gonna watch him anyway

44. favorite food

i hate myself whenever i eat food

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be?

@destinedformuchmore or @pinaplelee

46. when do you feel the most confident?

never? but ig i feel confident when working on tech construction during theater tech. as long as i know what im doing.

47. what do you do in your free time?

sleep. draw. cry. play video games. talk to my friends.

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect

matpat did for being a dick abt neopronouns and making a transphobic joke and only apologizing when a cis person told him to. not when hundreds of trans people did. and also other jokes that are inherently offensive to various groups. a n d for making extremely not Child friendly jokes in his videos which are very much targeted towards kids. say what you will about the target audience, there are a lot of children who watch them. please stop making creepy nsfw jokes if you won't even swear, sir.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i guess so yeah. but she also broke mine first.

50. did/do you play sports in school?

i did. i don't anymore bc highschool sports are bullshit but. basketball, ultimate, and soccer.

51. when are you happiest?

talkin 2 jay prolly

52. coffee or tea?

tea

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without?

my binder. or my stuffed cat puppet thing ive had since i was 7

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person?

their general emotions, mostly. like if theyre in a good mood or if theyre bored or distracted or whatever. or if they seem interested in actually talking to me

55. what is your favorite season, why?

fall. my birthday, the atmosphere is nice, it's pretty, its hoodie weather.

56. what makes you laugh?

stupid little comments or jokes my friends make tend to make me laugh a lot harder than i should but jabdn

57. are you a clean or messy person?

a mix. i Cannot have some things messy or i will ksjqkd. Die but i don't make my bed too often bc its ha rd when its against 3 walls.

58. what is important for a successful relationship?

communication communication communicati

talk about ur goddamn problems n keep talking to each other.

59. what was your upcoming like?

if thats supposed to be upbringing

idk, very relaxed. pretty easygoing and kinda boring.

60. favorite holiday?

any holiday in december rly. i don't celebrate a Lot but the atmosphere and others celebrating is nice to see. i kinda wish my parents did more to embrace the jewish part in our family blike. whatever. christmas is fun.

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?

give half of it to my parents. and then probably use it for plane ticket

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination?

hawaiian pizza. pinapple n canadian bacon ty

63. favorite outdoor activity.

frisbee

64. how are you? honestly.

not great. i want highschool to end.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort?

idk. camping is fun but if i get to stay at the resort for free i would rly love 2 stay at a resort tbh ive never done that

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature?

waterfalls. or rivers or just. water in nature. and very green forests. aNd snow.

67. favorite type of candy?

none

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title?

i can and will do arson, an autobiography

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases?

i quote john mulaney and whatever my obsessions are pretty regularly

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now?

silly bandz. pokemon cards. these weird unicorn figures i collected

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on?

im mostly the one having the weird conversations

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched?

i watched one about dogs and cats and their evolution which was lit

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had?

when i let the lady just go fuckin ham on my hair bc i was watching spirit that horse movie and didnt wanna stop so it was. rly bad bangs and hella short in back but not the sides

74. what do you like to cook?

whatever im hungry for. i don't have the energy to cook a lot

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

really pretty tropical fish

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?

idk. i rly like schitts creek its pretty amusing

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head?

heart at first but my head if things get bad

78. what is your favorite quote?

"i have a splitting headache and i think i'm dying. how are you?"

or a character just saying "try harder" when another failed to do smth.

this is supposed to be deep or whatever but im in a Mood

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had?

once had a crush on a character in a minecraft parody lmao

80. what’s your love language?

sending shit that makes me think of them. n just. making tons of stuff for them both online and irl like bracelets.

81. do you ever feel alone?

oh yeah. all the time. im not but it feels like i am which sucks

82. ever been bullied?

yeah

83. are you usually early or late?

late bc of my parents rip

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most?

drawing, or writing. also theater.

85. what do you wish you knew more about?

i just wish i could remember everything ive learned more about. i know a lot i just forget all.

id like to know more about forensics tho

[crystalmaezing]

My wavemate, My crush pt. 1

“It started on our first day of work”

I’ve always been a  hopeless romantic ever since i had a crush back in my elementary days. Whenever i have a crush, i am always trying hard to let them know that i have a crush on them by looking at them always. I am swinging both ways, i tend to like boys and lesbians or bisexual girls (my mom do know that i had a crush on lesbians back then).

So going back to the present, I was hired in this company where my college friends are working, they told me to go there because i just resigned on my previous company which is a BPO as well. During our first day of work, i had my eyes on this someone which until now i still have a crush. She’s a lesbian.

At first i was actually a bit hesitant because it might be just a crush at first sight but the feelings went deeper than i expected. I was planning to forget about here until one day (December 16 to be exact), she actually pmed me on messenger saying that she wants to talk to me via call which is absurd. We never talked in person since i am awkward at her, just her in our wave.

At first, i actually told her that i don’t have any earphone working so i cant talk to her via call, just so you know, i hate talking on phone not using earphones, it sucks. But she keep on insisting that it’ll just take a few minutes. So i decided to allow her even if i don’t have earphones with me.

During the first topic of our call, she asked me where i was staying and such thing. The conversation goes like this (well not all is accurate though because that was like a few weeks ago)

Her: Where do you go home?

Me: *gives the train station that i always drop to*

Her: Where exactly is that, i didn’t know there is such station.

Me: *insists that it exist*

Her: Who are you with right now?

Me: My dad, my mom went to province.

Her: Tell your dad to drink medicine for cough (because she heard my dad coughing on the background)

And it goes on. She kept on asking me who is my crush and i replied to her jokingly “you”. At first she just laugh so i thought that i’ll just tell it to her jokingly even if it’s the truth.Sadly, someone arrives at home that i needed to hang up our call. Our call ended after 14 minutes. That Saturday, the day i decided to forget about her and decided to still have a crush on her right after our call. Even her laugh that night still lingers in my ears.

Monday came, I went to work and saw her. Just like the same old days, we didn’t talked to each other. It was weird because i thought she will talk to me because we sound so close to me that night. I awkwardly talked to her because she is quite close to one of my friend. She told me that she’s very drunk that night and she didn’t remember what we talked about.

That hit me like a lightning.

To me it was very meaningful but to her, it’s just a thing that she did while she’s drunk.

By the way, she have a crush at one of our wavemates, at first i thought it was me though, i’m such a hopeless romantic, i know. Because there are things that made me point at my fingers.

First, when i was busy writing the late on our wavemates. I heard her saying that her crush is busy, it turned out that i am busy and her real crush is busy talking to someone on phone. Another thing is when we’re on our way to the terminal, my friend asked her who her crush is and she said “I’m not gonna tell, she might be here”. Third one is i’m the only one she doesn’t talk much with. I know, i expected so much, i got disappointed big time.

Okay going back....Days passed by, we only talk on messenger like we’re really close but not talking personally in our office. We tend to have deep talks and such.

One time, i told her that my real crush is her because she kept on insisting. She keeps on commenting on my repost about my crush so i decided to tell her.

One time on December 18, we and some of my wavemates are having fun and then she suddenly called me and told me that someone is having a crush on me, i disregarded it.

Since i am used to us talking on messenger, i kept on waiting for her reply and decided to fake that i accidentally clicked the like button and she replied. We even talked about her family and mine. We have a lot of things that we talked about.

There was one time that she told me that she’s living alone and her mom lives at the province, i pitied her so i decided to cook something and bring more for her. I even jokingly told her that i’ll put some love potions on it and she said “Sure”. I gave her the food because she is eating with her crush. After that day, i bring more food so i can share with her. We ate together that day because her crush isn’t there.

I even saw her posting on myday a photo of her and her crush (now the girlfriend) and with a heart. Same with her girlfriend she posted one, it made me jealous one time big time.

December 23, i decided to get my hair done and i changed the color into red, i decided to do it to move on from her.

December 24, we have a morning shift so we wont have a hard time going home for Christmas even. I came inside our room with my earphones on, i am so awkward because i really told her that i have a crush on her. The sound of my earphone is really loud so i cant hear any of them inside the room, but i know she, her crush and her crush’ friend is there at the back of our room. When the song i am listening to ended, i heard her crush’ friend saying “There’s someone who have a crush on you in our wave right?” the moment i heard that, i knew that she told them that i have a crush on her, i felt betrayed.

I just let it flow. Ignoring her, she didn’t even talk to me that much. And i can see that she and her crush is already together because of their clingy-ness and sweetness on each other. It’s unofficial, i just expected it to be like that but i never heard it from anyone. It was actually sad for me but i kept on fighting it. There are times i am not even in the mood to eat.

December 24, Christmas eve, i was singing with my brothers and decided to post it on messenger, she just keep on seeing the videos and such but not talking to me. I chatted her to ask if she’s dating with her crush already but i’ve got no answer. 11 pm strikes and i decided to send her a long ass message. She just reacted an emoji with a heart and no response. She response to me in the morning saying she fell asleep already.

December 25th, i’ve got a greetings from her and nothing else. It getting more awkward already but i am still expecting that she will at least talk to me, but no.

During one of our chats, she asked me to have a drink with her and a friend, i said yes but when i sent her that long ass message, it got awkward. She doesn’t talk to me that much so i thought that maybe the invitation would be disregarded already.

Our salary day came, she asked me if i will still go but my friends already decided to eat on a buffet so i told her i cant go. It’s for my own anyway, i don’t wanna bond with her that much because i want my feelings to fade away.

December 29. She left on our gc, i was hella curious so decided to pm her. She told me that she fought and broke up with her girlfriend. I was more than happy but then, not really. She sounds so frustrated because her girlfriend did something that is really absurd. She even told me that they’re dating since December 22. I was in full shock because i even sent her a message during the 25th like whut.

She asked me to have a drink with her but it’s raining that time so i refused to go which is until now, i am sorry for myself. She even told me that she wont go to work anymore so i did everything to stop he from doing that. I  told her that i’ll give a gift or i’ll perform during our year end party but she refused to accept. She got quite busy during the night and i even asked her if she’s free on the next day but she said nope.

On Sunday, i talked to her again and asked if it’s a final decision, i even told her jokingly that she wont be able to see me perform. She said that she’ll go to work because she wants to watch me, i am really happy because i feel special. But it turned out that they got back together, i am stupid right?

December 31, our year end party. When i came in, she’s still not there but her girlfriend is so i thought, maybe they’re still not getting back together. She arrives and keeps on saying to her friend “Where’s the gift you promised me?” which is actually for me because i promised her. I was with my friend when she asked me to have a photo with her. I was actually surprised because we never had a photo together yet. She took it, her hand is actually trembling which is funny so i told her i’ll take it for her, but I AM TREMBLING AS WELL.

She were in front of me when i told my friend to take a photo together but she went to us saying that she wants to join so i took a photo of the three of us. I was really happy that time but that ended real quick when her girlfriend performed and she said “I’m so embarrassed for you”. I was like “They got back together”.

It even gets sadder when we’re about to eat, they went to get the food together, eating beside each other and they even took a photo together. For short, they’re very sweet to one another.

Our party ended, i was frowning the whole time, each and everyone is greeting one another and hugging each other. She was in front of me and i jokingly told her “Happy new year” and i even leaned a bit but we’re on our way out so i just went out of the room. She called me and said “Okay let’s hug”. I was about to hugged her but we both leaned on the same direction which made us almost kissed. I was embarrassed big time, even some of our wavemates saw it as well as her girlfriend. But we still hugged of course. Both of us were actually speechless after that.

Why is it whenever i am deciding to forget about her, she’s doing something that will make me fall for her more?

[littlelovelymemes]

✰  —  —  —  EVEN MORE POPULAR TEXT POSTS STARTERS

‘  let me just make one thing clear... i have no clue what’s going on, ever, at any moment, at any point in time. who knows what’s going on? not me. not ever.  ’ ‘  i would just like to publicly announce that i have no idea what i am doing  ’ ‘  we came from the same star and we will come together again in the end  ’ ‘  i have a ‘why am i like this’ moment at least five times a day  ’ ‘  did i need it? no. did i buy it? yes.  ’ ‘  the most dangerous game is resting your eyes after you turned off the alarm clock in the morning  ’ ‘  petition for stars in the day time please???  ’ ‘  i love it when i wake up and stretch and something cracks. makes me feel like a glo-stick  ’ ‘  drop whatever you’re doing right now and climb a tree  ’ ‘  the most fucked up part of adult life is how you can just decide to do things  ’ ‘  i’m a person who wants to do lots of things trapped inside a body that wants to SLEEP at all times  ’ ‘  i’m so tired but i’ll probably be awake until 3 am for no reason  ’ ‘  time to kick my own ass. bitch had it coming for too long  ’ ‘  honestly ‘thanks i hate it’ is one of the funniest phrases in the english language  ’ ‘  do you ever wonder how many people have loved you and never told you? 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kiss me on the lips dude  ’ ‘  too many songs about love. not enough songs about sword fights  ’ ‘  don’t talk to me or my 78 insecurities ever again  ’ ‘  i just did a tarot reading... it said ur a bitch  ’ ‘  a good substitute for love and fulfillment? a crunchwrap supreme from taco bell  ’ ‘  i fucked up? idk what you’re referring to but probably  ’ ‘  *in a high-pitched mocking voice* "are you okay?" what the fuck.  ’ ‘  how do u just..... not believe in aliens  ’ ‘  a coffee pot can be a coffee mug if you just don’t fucking care  ’ ‘  “you’re up early!” jokes on you i didn’t sleep at all and am in between energized and dying  ’ ‘  dont wanna sound like a slut but i really need a hug right now  ’ ‘  casual fan? no sorry i only know how to invest my whole livelihood into something and spend every waking moment thinking about said thing  ’ ‘  i have a dozen hearts swirling around my head irl like that isnt a filter its permanent  ’ ‘  i worry about you even when you say you’re fine  ’ ‘  i will never hurt you. i will always stick by your side. i will always try to make you smile  ’ ‘  true love: having to hold back your adorable, violent girlfriend to keep her from straight up murdering a dude  ’ ‘  cute date idea: be nice to me  ’ ‘  im so jealous of people who know what they want to do with their future i dont even know what t.v show to watch next  ’ ‘  me? clingy? yes please don’t leave me  ’ ‘  hey….,.,.. no offense but,,. i want someone to love and cherish me  ’ ‘  i need someone to lay in bed with me for hours  ’ ‘  dark hannah montana..... show me the worst of both worlds  ’ ‘  someone has to say it: come on eileen is a fucking banger like that shit snaps,, a bop for the century  ’ ‘  roses are red, i’m going to bed  ’ ‘  bless netflix for creating the skip intro button honestly  ’ ‘  they call me… 7 Knives. because that’s how many knives it takes me to cook things because i keep puttin em in the fuckin sink without thinking about it  ’ ‘  i wanna burry my face in someone’s chest right now til i fall asleep and wake up 4 hours later just to find i’m still in their arms  ’ ‘  the internet has ruined me honestly i’m numb to everything. it could be the end of the world and i’d be like “tag urself i’m the acid rain”  ’ ‘  lately i have been…….dying to be in love…,..and that’s the mood sadly  ’ ‘  not to be ns fw but i’d cry if someone kissed me on the cheek  ’ ‘  sexting? nah. i’m into spexting. spooky texting. ever seen a ghost? hmu.  ’ ‘  not to sound cocky as shit but i’m a fucking good person with a big heart and i deserve a lot more than the shitty hand life has dealt me this far  ’ ‘  i say i love you a lot because i do  ’ ‘  i’m sorry. i can’t come to the phone right now? why? oh. cause i hate talking on the phone please text me instead.  ’ ‘  low on self esteem, so u run on mac & cheese  ’ ‘  who’s gonna come lay with me in bed and let me wrap my legs and arms around u like a small bear  ’ ‘  youre a coward if youre not on the way to my house right now to give me a kiss  ’ ‘  my personality is like 90% the song i’m currently listening to  ’ ‘  the first step to any murder is to have fun and be yourself  ’ ‘  no offense @ life but can i have a breath.. a break... some slack...  ’ ‘  the best kind of alcohol is a lot  ’ ‘  911 i hate to be “that guy” but i glued myself to the ceiling again  ’ ‘  having “feelings” is ruining my reputation of being a heartless bitch  ’

[spidermando]

Flipped {Pt. 3}

Pairing: Peter Parker X Reader

Word Count: 2.2k+

Warnings: feels, swearing, major character death

A/N: so this is the final part of Flipped. I hope you all enjoyed the series. I really loved writing it (-: 

Request: I see requests is open~ could you write a Peter Parker x reader where Peter wakes up in an AU where he isn’t spider-man, but the reader is? [theres more to this but it spoils the next chapter/s]

Masterlist

Previous <

 It’s safe to say that y/n took my offer seriously. Not even a week later, the red and blue clad supergirl turned up at my window. At first, I was scared that she was hurt, but she merely told me she was lonely and looking for someone to talk to.

We spent the night telling stories and jokes, before we both fell asleep on the floor beside my bed. When morning rolled around, I turned to see her gone and a note in her place.

That had become our nightly routine. Every night she’d show up at my window, we’d talk the night away and then I’d wake up in the morning to find a hand-written note. A few times she’d turn up with bruises and cuts, specks of blood staining her suit. I’d clean her up, drowning in worry and anger when I did. How could someone hurt her? How could someone be so soulless and cause her to bleed? I wanted to wrap my hands around their throat and squeeze until they could no longer breathe. Which is uncharacteristically violent of me.

Still, every day my brain would yell at me to figure out what was happening. To figure out why I was no longer spider-man and why no one knew me anymore. But my heart said no. My heart wanted to stay here with her forever, to forget about my normal life and live by her side to the day I die. If spending the rest of my life with her meant losing my powers, it didn’t seem like a big price to pay.

There was the initial shock of meeting her and then there was actually getting to know her. At first it seemed weird how quickly she opened up to me, and then I remembered that we’d been friends for ‘years’.

“What are you thinking about?”

Her soft voice woke me from my trance, turning to her I saw the small smile plastered on her face. “You.”

Her cheeks tinted a soft shade of pink, as she looked down at the ground. “What about me?”

Before I could even think, my hand reached forward and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. When she didn’t move, I placed my hand beneath her chin and brought her up to look at me.

“About how b-beautiful you are.” I spoke softly, letting go of her chin.

I don’t know where any of this confidence came from. It was just her, something about her made me calm and collected. Something about her made me feel like I could concur the world.

“I-I wouldn’t say that…” her voice trailed off as her cheeks got even darker.

This time it was my turn to smile, “neither would I.”

Her face instantly fell, her eyes casting down to the floor. “oh...”

“Beautiful doesn’t do you justice.”

It took a second for my words to translate in her head, but when they finally did she looked up at me with wide eyes. “Oh.”

Slowly, I tilted my head and leaned in. She mirrored me, coming closer and closer. Our lips were centimetres from touching.

And then I woke up in my bed.

In a daze of confusion, I stared across the room, eyes searching for any sign she was ever here. My sight caught onto a piece of white paper, it was folded neatly and placed on my left pillow. Leaning over, I snatched it and quickly unfolded it.

I’ll see you at school

Love,

Y/n.

p.s. I really enjoyed last night, hopefully my breath didn’t smell to bad.

I scanned over the note serval times, looking for any memory after us leaning in. But there was none. Slowly, I folded the note back up. Opening my bedside draw, I pulled out my bundle of hand-written letters and added it to the pile.

My mind was still running 100 miles an hour, reaching for something that wasn’t there.

And it’s not like I could ask her what happened. If we did kiss, and I hope we did, it would definitely hurt her feelings that I forgot. The only thing I could do was act natural, act like nothing had happened. And then hope she’d make a move or bring up last night.

My day started like it normally did, or normally in this timeline. I got up, brushed my teeth, did my hair, got dressed, had breakfast, said goodbye to Aunt May and then left for school. The train ride was busier than yesterday, so once again I stood with my hand grasping the hanging handle.

When I finally got to school, the halls were packed with students. Everyone was split into groups, some flying drones, other working on science projects. I couldn’t find Ned, Y/N or MJ. So, I walked to my locker, opened it and got out some books. Closing it, I jumped out of my skin.

Y/n stood at my locker, her arms crossed and lips pursed.

“W-What’s wrong?” My voice was higher than usual, putting my nervousness out for everyone to see.

The second she heard my voice, a bright smile slipped onto her face, her arms loosening. “Don’t panic, I was just joking.”

“Oh,” I laughed a little. “I totally knew that.”

Nodding her head, she hummed and started walking away.

The day continued as normal, with y/n not acting strange or mentioning anything from last night. When 2:45pm rolled round, she disappeared into the crowd, going off to be Queens superhero. I’m not going to lie, I miss going around and helping people. It’s a big part of my life that’s now missing. But Y/N definitely helped fill the gaping hole in my heart.

I’d just brought a number 5 with pickles, swinging the plastic bag back and forth as I took the short cut to my house. There was a strange tickle running down my spine, almost as if someone was watching me.

Taking a sharp right into the alleyway, I started heading down to the other side. I’d gone down here dozens of times before, both as and as not Spider-man. Therefore, I didn’t feel unsafe or the least bit worried. I did still feel that tingling though.  

The end was in sight, when a loud bump sounded behind me. Not bothering to turn back, I kept walking. However, this time the bump was followed by a low moan. Stopping dead in my tracks, I turned back. Someone was in pain. And maybe I could help said one.

“Hey, is there someone there?”

Once again, there was a bang and a low moan. I stepped cautiously towards the sounds, avoiding stepping on anything. “Do you need help?”

“Y-Yes.”

The words came from the shadows, so thinking fast I took my phone out of my pocket and shone the flashlight into the dark. A man stood in the gloom, a gun in his left hand as he grinned widely at me.

“People like you always fall for stuff like this.” His voice was rough. “Give me your money.”

This time I didn’t even try and fight back. Knowing and accepting that I was a useless fighter without my powers.

“I-I don’t have any money.” My voice was soft and weak, egging on the armed man.

“Then how did you buy that?” He pointed at my plastic bag, raising his eyebrows.

My eyes ran from my hand to the man. “With a note. I-I didn’t get c-change.”

The man was about to speak again, when a figure dropped from the ceiling above.

“Seriously, what is wrong with you guys?”

I couldn’t help but smile when she spoke, her voice full of sass and annoyance.

“Listen, spider-woman i-“

She interrupted him again. “I’d rather not. Let’s just fight and get this over with.”

Everything happened so quickly, one second she lunged at the man and then the next a loud bang filled the alley. It bounced off the walls, echoing down the space and causing me to lean over and plug my ears.

When the sound finally faded, I glanced at the man, his eyes were wide as he stared at Y/n. A second later he threw the gun, before sprinting down the alleyway. My eyes slowly trailed to her, seeing her standing there clutching at her chest. For a second I was confused and then I saw it.

The patch of blood seeping from her hands.

I ran to catch her as her knees gave way. I just made it, wrapping her in my arms as I softly lowered us to the floor.

“H-hey, it’s going to be okay.” I tried to sooth her, knowing that it was going to be fatal without even seeing the wound.

“D-Don’t lie to me.” She whimpered, removing one of her hands to grip my own. “Please don’t lie to me.”

Her hand was covered in blood, but I grasped it tightly. “I’m not lying.”

She chuckled gently, squeezing my hand before loosening her grip. “Whatever you say, Parker.”

Realisation hit me, as my mouth hung open and my eyes glazed over. “T-This is all my fault.”

“Hey,” she furrowed her eyebrows. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t shoot the gun.” Her voice was rough and rigid, her speech filled with gaps to gasp for breath.

“But you wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for me.” My voice cracked, my hand shaking in her own.

I don’t know if ignored my comment, or simply didn’t hear it but she didn’t respond. Her eyes closed, causing worry to seep into my heart. I expected them to open again, but when they didn’t I couldn’t help but suck in a breath.

“Y/n? y/n please.” I could feel the tears trail constantly down my cheeks. “Please, y/n I love you.”

A small smile etched on her face, her chest struggling to rise and fall.

“No matter how many times I tell you not to go down dark alleys, you still do it.” She mumbled, “but I love you, too.” And then she went limb in my arms, a sack of meat and bones missing its life.

I woke up with a start, tears trailing down my cheeks as I violently rubbed them away. It took me a few seconds to get my bearings, and when I finally did I turned to see Mr Stark standing behind a desk, his fingers resting on a computer keyboard as he stared at me with wide eyes.

“M-Mr. Stark?” My voice was uneven, as I sucked in deep breaths. “What h-happened?”

“I-Uh,” this was the first time I’d ever seen the billionaire lost for words. He cleared his throat, glancing down at his computer screen. “I put you in that simulation to test your mental strength.”

My mind struggled to wrap around his words, so I looked around the room. Everything was like it was that night. “W-Wait, so n-n-none of that was r-real?”

His eyes connected with mine, as he nodded. “All a figment of your imagination.”

“So Y-Y/n doesn’t ex-“

Before I could even finish Mr. Stark was shaking his head. “Sadly not.”

“Oh.”

He smiles sadly, something I’d never seen him do before. “I’m sorry, Peter. I shouldn’t have tested this on you, it wasn’t fair.”

“I-It’s okay, I’m happy I could help.” I couldn’t stop the disappointment from seeping into my voice.  “What did you tell Aunt May? I-I must’ve been under for weeks, maybe even months.”

“It was 4 hours,” Mr. Stark corrected. “Time travels faster when you’re in it.”

“Oh.” We sat in silence for a moment, before I spoke up again. “So did I pass?”

“What?”

“The test, did I pass the test?” I asked again, this time adding the context.

Mr. Stark looked down at his computer and read from it. “Yeah, you reacted well to the whole thing actually.”

“That’s good then.”

Mr. Stark walked over to me, placing a hand on my shoulder. “You better go home. You have school tomorrow.”

When I woke in the morning I couldn’t help but look across at the other side of my bed, expecting a hand-written note to be folded on my pillow. A deep pain banged my chest when I noticed it was empty.

I started my day as I started any other, cleaning my teeth, brushing my hair, having breakfast and catching the train to school. When I got there, Ned was already waiting at my locker. We instantly fell into conversation, however I did stumble over my words a few times as I went to bring up Y/N.

Our first lesson was Spanish. Settling into my chair I expected Y/N to be across from me, with her notebook out and her doodling in it. The deep hole in my chest got bigger when I realised she wasn’t there. She was never there, never was and never would be.

“Okay class,” our teacher walked to the front of the room. “I want to welcome our new student.”

A girl walked in, her eyes trailing the floor as she avoided looking at us.

“Why don’t you introduce yourself?”

She looked up, and instantly I sucked in a breath.

“Y/n?” Her name left a tingle on my lips. “y/n.”

Tag List:

@antisocialshipper @julimelodi @thehollandcommittee @not-reptilian  @marvel-girl-xo @who-cares-rn @golden-guide @in-the-potterhead-know

[asarsgyan]

WITHOUT TITS THERES NO PARADISE: “The Love Killer” - Pelambrés View

1

On the cold floor of Café Salento, curled up, as if hiding the pain of its failure, lies a woman's corpse, pierced by four projectiles poisoned by oblivion: one that broke her ambition, another that erased her ignorance, one that broke her vanity and, the most certain, the one that killed her dreams.

Next to the deceased, amid exaggerated shouting and as witnesses to the chaos, there remain several tilted chairs, some 38 caliber bullet casings, half a dozen employees running from one side to the other, like ants at the end In the fall, two inexperienced researchers and an open Bible underlined with red marker in Chapter 23, Verse 43, of the Book of Saint Luke.

“Countless gossipers, including me, the murderer, let us take a look at the scene.” I came to take a photo of the deceased that Mrs. Catalina asked me as proof the day we agreed to the crime. While I prepare the camera I think that this is a sublime moment, because if someone in this dunghill called world deserved death it was she, Yésica. They called her La Diabla for a reason. She was the worst human being who gave birth to hell. That is why when Mrs. Catalina told me that she wanted to see her dead, I didn't hesitate for a second and offered to kill her. Partly because she offered me her love in return, something that I have longed for since I was the wife of my employer, and partly because, because of that demon, Don Marcial became blinded and took the inheritance from Mrs. Catalina and the employeed me. Although I die for a kiss from my mistress, I would have killed Yésica for free and even paid to acquire the privilege of disappearing her. I hate her even when she's dead and I must admit that her spilled blood doesn't hurt. At the scene of the just crime, among so many astonished faces, mine stands out, which cannot hide a wicked smirk, the kind that goes with one to the grave. I will call Dona Catalina again to tell her that her worst enemy, the one who took her husband and the good life, no longer exists.

Two minutes ago I called her and she didn't answer. Maybe you have regrets. I will tell you that you can breathe without fear, that we can start a new life far from here and, why not, if you want, you can use my being and my love to be happy.

One last look. I shoot her again: this time four photographs, but none to the face because she is still upside down. I wait patiently, listening to gossip comments, until finally a Forensic Medicine official, one of those who count holes in the shot dead, turns the corpse over. I feel it strange. In a mechanical motion, they remove the hair from her face and cleans her face. As I portray the moment in amazement.

Something bad happens. God! The sun goes out. My illusions collapse in an instant. The woman lying on the ground is not Yésica. It is not the Devil.

The dead woman is my lady Catalina, of all souls. This Can not be!

What happened?

What did I do?

Everything is confusing. I cry my misfortune.

I have murdered the woman I love.

I glance at her purple lips and moan. I watchher and I look pale and I want them. Her little hands, no longer strong, hold a mobile phone and a red ink pen with which she crossed out the verse that narrates the moment in which Jesus tells the evildoers who accompany him on Mount Calvary: Truly I tell you that today they will be with me in paradise. That verse is crossed out with an inscription that sums up what was the ill-fated life of Doña Catalina: "LIES, WITHOUT TITS THERE IS NO PARADISE." And the poor woman was not lacking in reason. When she had them, the world fell at her feet. When she lost them, the world turned their back on her. At least from her point of view, that was her painful reality.

Shattered by the disappearance of the only woman I have ever loved in silence, I try to reconstruct the facts in my weary head and do not understand the deception. She told me that Yésica was going to be sitting at that table, with that white jacket, with that pink scarf, with that Bible that is lying on the floor with its pages played in the wind, at this very hour. But she lied to me. She put herself in La Diabla's place so that my assassins would kill her. Coward, she cheated on me. She played with the goodness that was born from my love. She laughed at me. I know that this pain will accompany me to the grave because the days I have left will not be enough to mourn it enough. I loved her more than my mother.

The stream of blood that comes out of Dona Catalina's stubborn head runs under the tables, cautiously descends to the sidewalk, as if she fears something worse, and walks slowly along the edge of the street, avoiding the feet of some onlookers and the front wheels of two Police patrol cars. I don't move my feet. I let the blood brush my shoes and reach down to touch it. I bring the sample collected with the tip of my index finger to my mouth and close my eyes, savoring the only little part of Dona Catalina that I can carry inside of me.

The stream, still warm, wriggles through the dust and dodges or drags some leaves that have fallen from the trees until it is lost inside a drain grate, a block below. Inside that sewer she mixes with the shit of the rich, the shit of the poor, the piss of both, and she begins to travel the city in a kind of macabre dismissal.

And, like the yellow water of Los Toreros Muertos, it goes under the houses of the bad guys who think they are good, goes under the houses of the good guys who think they're bad, goes under the worst, those who they do not believe one thing or the other. Finally, it falls over the waters of a stream that empties into the river where, kilometers and days later, it finds its outlet at the opening of the aqueduct in the city where Catalina's mother lives.

Without any foreboding, because her intuition dried up months ago, Dona Hilda picks up some water from the kitchen tap without imagining that it might contain some tiny particle of her dead daughter's soul. Sh drinks it with her eyes closed and exclaims:

"Thank you, God, for the holy water you give us."

If Catalina’s life was a monument to waste, her burial was an apology for sadness. After enjoying the pleasures of life in the best restaurants, in the most brutal sports cars, in the most luxurious estates, in the hotels with the most stars, one Thursday, three weeks after his death, on the edge of the Four o'clock in the afternoon, inside a very poor coffin, without ironwork like the ones she used in her expensive bags, nor velvet like the curtains of her mansion, under the frozen threads of an inconsequential drizzle, her body was buried in the Ce - Central chin with my unique and distant presence.

The men of Forensic Medicine deposited her corpse in a common grave with the ease of someone who throws some leftovers in the garbage can. Without a prayer and not a flower on her grave, my lady's human remains were thrown into nothingness. I watched them from a distance with a sting that burned my throat. I had an uncontrollable urge to get into the ground with her, but bullies are cowards. We like to disconnect lives, but we fear death.

When the men finished their work I approached fearfully, took some dirt from their new and gloomy home and put it in my pocket after extracting from their entrails a couple of fat, white, disgusting worms, of those diners of human flesh that they are in charge of reminding us that we are all the same. I still have that handful of dirt. On my knees I asked my mistress for forgiveness for having killed her, for loving her so much, and I lay down on her homeland to receive the water from heaven on my face. I am not good at making claims to God, but my silence was enough to make that man understand that he was not happy with him.

There, on that land that covers her poor remains, caring for her, reproaching her for her deception, swearing my infinite love, I fell asleep, seized by frost but with more pain than cold. I didn't hear from me again until a day later, when the same men who buried Catalina threw a corpse at me. I woke up scared, but my disgusted face let them know that I was not dead, although very dead if I was inside.

One of them managed to run screaming that I had resuscitated, but he soon realized his exaggeration and was teased by his friends. When they discovered that I was the mourner of the woman buried the day before, they lamented the mistake and offered me apologies that I had no qualms about accepting. I put on the grave of my beloved a cross made with shacks of trees and flowers of other deceased and I left thinking about how my life would be without her beautiful smile.

[owlpajamas-archived-blog]

yuu dies au

basic summary: “i thought kagami treated me horribly but then i met you lot” -- mika

“no one is happy and mika is the least happy”

the agenda: - make everyone sad - make ourselves sad

nory: heyyy remember yuu dies au bee: r u about to angst on us nory nory: welll i was thinking about it some more bany: Oh Boy

created by moi, @distressedphilosopher​, @forblazes​, and @celestialshinoa​

GIANT HUGE CONTENT WARNING for: suicide, self harm, fucked up mental shit, fucked up coping methods, disordered eating (kinda??), pain and suffering

Setting: during the Final Battle, yuu goes seraph and sacrifices himself to cleanse the entire world. kinda like what he did at nagoya but on a larger scale

yuu was secretly planning smth like this ever since they started planning the final battle (in sanguinem?? tokyo again???) and he was dropping hints leading up to it and being super duper affectionate and emotional towards everyone and spent a lot of time reassuring them all that he loves them so much etc etc. and insisted on mika drinking from him one last time the day they leave bc that means so much to both of them. n at the end of the battle yuu goes seraph and does the thing and there's this huge explosion/burst of incredibly bright light and a huge shockwave and it lasts for several minutes and when the dust clears yuu is lying at the epicenter of a huge crater

and mika gets to him first and the others just hear him scream with grief/pain and they Know. mika is completely incoherent and refuses to leave yuu's body and doesn't let anyone else get close for a while........maybe that's the first time mika tries to kill himself...this is getting a lot darker than i first intended

ok so it's after the battle right and yuu's body is at the morgue and the shinoa squad is back at their house recovering physically and emotionally from everything

like it's their first day back from staying at hospital overnight

and it's morning and mika drags himself out of bed and downstairs and he's dissociating like whoah; and he opens the fridge and the first thing he sees is the several bottles of blood. and it's yuu's blood that they made before the Final Battle; and mika just falls to the floor sobbing bc yuu is gone, he's dead, and yet a part of him is still here?? and feeding mika was always something special for the two of them, it was calm and safe and bonding time

and after mika drinks this yuu will be gone for Real

he's just hit w all this existentialism and reality of the situation

shinoa runs into the kitchen and finds him and he's totally inconsolable

the remnants of the JIDA become the new human government and they let the shinoa squad, including mika, retire early to a house in the countryside for their service.

t starts off w the squad in their new home and it's up in the mountains and it's nice and quiet and there are fields for them to grow their own food and they have a goat or chickens or smth idk but it's empty and they're all grieving

no one really knows what to do w themselves bc not only is yuu dead but they're all retired indefinitely now

kimizuki tries to distract himself w cooking

mika sleeps All The Time like for days at a time bc of vamp metabolism is weird af. so if u add in severe depression and grief u get....sleeping for 3 days straight. also in attempt to get mika out of bed kimizuki ropes him into House Chores™. picture mika and kimizuki at the sink. mika is robotically peeling onions mika and kimi become the food prep team

 he likes feeding the chickens. shinoa takes up crochet. shinoa gave the chickens all stupid names

everyone struggles to cope and mika is actively suicidal and the squad tries to bring him out of it

mika loses his appetite from grief/depression and refuses to drink for a week+ at a time and gets really weak and sick. it's ironic bc all this time drinking blood has been the thing he hates most about being a vampire but he kept doing it so that he could save yuu/live with yuu. and now yuu's dead and he doesn't even care about blood at all. like under any other circumstances this would be a GOOD thing to not be thirsty but.

it's a struggle to get him to drink anything bc the old solution of "confront him and cut ur arm or show him blood and then he'll give in and drink" doesn't work anymore bc mika just Doesn't Fucking Care.

someone just ends up jamming their arm into his fangs and he hates it but his instincts are screaming at him to eat, eat, survive even if his mind and heart don't want to

like once he starts drinking his body is like Oh Shit wait this is a really good thing u need this to survive

and then theres panic among the person who jammed their arm into his teeth because oh fuck his jaw locked (as vampires do when feeding sometimes. this was completely on accident on mikas part tho)

at one point yoichi is trying to convince him to drink and is getting really really worried bc mika is in a Bad Place and so he kind of yells at mika “yuu would want you to!!” or smth like that. and mika snaps and starts yelling at him and is Really Angry in a scary vampire way. like he just whirls around and yells at yoichi to shut the fuck up, you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, he slams his fist into the wall, he’s baring his fangs and his eyes have this dangerous glint. and yoichi starts crying bc he’s just so scared and worried for mika, and he’s also grieving yuu so much, and he can’t help but be scared when mika acts like that

and then mika feels even worse!! >: D

yoichi is sobbing and mika doesn’t kno what to Do he’s so confused and disoriented and he feels so awful and it’s a Mess. the rest of the squad comes running in and intervenes cuz they heard the yelling

bany: also u know how cats will purr when either happy OR distressed as a self-comfort mechanism?yeah. that happens. its not a happy purr sound. its miserable and throaty and stuttered.

yoichi is crying and saying “i’m sorry i’m sorry” and “i miss him too!!” and kimi and shinoa are trying to comfort him and mika is floundering and sad-purring

bany: mika just. gives up and curls into a ball. just him and the squad and the vibrations in his throat

kimi drags yoichi away, who doesn’t want to leave until mika’s ok, and shinoa and narumi stay and try to talk to mika. he caves and drinks from narumi and then falls asleep for like a day and a half after that. depression symptoms become more exaggerated when ur a vampire bc their metabolism is slower. mika becomes the master of the depression nap.

hey hey what if he and yoichi cuddle after the fight as an apology. mika falls asleep and yoichi starts petting his hair and mika starts purring, then yoichi falls asleep too. yoichi Insists that mika drink from him, or at least drink /something/ bc mika’s had no appetite for weeks and is p much starving himself

bany: he feeds so infrequently and in such small portions the squad starts to notice signs of continual starvation (his cheeks are hollow, his spine should not be that pronounced, holy shit ribs) and say okay this has GOT to STOP

permanent dark circles under his eyes and shaky hands, dizzy spells All the time, his skin was always pale but now it’s paler than normal and all the color is washed out or greyed out

bany: vampires have slow heartbeats right? it should not be as fast as it is

nice thing about living w a group of powerful demon users/human experiments is that they all have a pretty good healing factor so they can lose a lot more blood and be fine than a normal human could

after yuu’s death and things settle down a little and the squad resigns from the JIDA and live in a house together in a small town thats being built again. theres a grave and shrine where yuu is buried, its in the woods a little,  and thats where mika spends most of his time. shinoa helped him plant perenials to plant on the gravesite. mika spends most of his time dissociating and remembering and talking to yuu outloud. about how much mika misses yuu and how desperately he wants to be with him, mika cant bear the thought of existing in a world where yuu no longer exits, and that hes so sorry that he could save yuu and that he wants to join yuu in death but he cant bc its impossible. and hes so lonely and he feels like something has been ripped out of him, bc yuu was mika’s life parter and fp.

he tells yuu about all the stuff that happens everyday too, and he also cries a lot. he tells yuu about how his appetite is gone and how ironic it is that something he wanted so bad to happen (to not want to drink blood) was caused by his worst nightmare (yuu’s death)

Melissa: Mika realizes how much he actually appreciated drinking Yuu's blood n stuff and how much he hates that he has no other options now

The squad keep a little schedule without mika knowing and they go and visit him and let him feed from them (or rather, make him)

He doesn't fight back as much as he used to because he just doesn't care about anything

Nory: he reaches a point where he doesnt cry or anything anymore but the only emotion he has is overwhelming grief and self loathing. he talks about how grateful he was that yuu accepted him so enthusiastically and whole-heartedly and always looked out for him even when mika made it difficult; and how much he misses drinking from yuu and how comforting and safe it was because he loved yuu so much and they had so much trust in each other. the first time he drinks directly from one of the squad members he breaks down and is flooded w memories of yuu

also he gets really really furious at the other squad members bc they arent feeling the grief as powerfully as he does. like they still are absolutely grieving for yuu but they start to recover and move through the stages of grief and mika cant

Melissa: Mika thinks it's because humans are fickle and care less and he gets mad at them for being so "shallow"

he takes his grief and angery out on them and yells at them and gets into fights, yelling how they couldnt posssibly understand what hes feeling right now, how dare you, how dare you start to move on….etc..

During one of his angry spurts he just runs into a forest and starts knocking down trees

Nory: someone tries to comfort him and he curls in on himself and hes termbling and sad-purring. kimi tries to stop hm and mika whirls around and snarls “dont touch me” and he looks really feral and its a little scary.

Melissa: He does the neck grab attack thing on someone then looks down on them as tears fall from his face into theirs then he gets off and turns his back toward them and just says "...I'm sorry" then flies away

Nory: he doesnt come back for a day or 2 and he comes back really exhausted and dissociating and bleeding a lot

Melissa: he stabs himself a lot (cue nory sobbing)

he hasnt had any blood in over a weak and he just makes it to the front porch before he faints, his injuries arent healing bc hes so weak. And everyone is like "how do we feed him if he's unconscious???" he wakes up a little when they get him inside and immediately throws up from internal bleeding. (I LOVE SUFFERING)

And they just like try to stop his bleeding enough to get him to be conscious enough not to choke on it.

he drinks from kimizuki then bc his body is running on autopilot at this point and hes to tired to fight the impulses anymore, and after he gets enough in his system he watches his wounds start to heal and he's like "damn it" and is mad and embarrassed w himself later for causing a scene and being an inconvenience.

he was also so drained and out of it he wasnt even thinking about dying he was just in pain and his instincts took over completely

he was dissociating and he didnt even remember going back to the house or fainting, he just wakes up in his bed not knowing what happened or where he is

after a while mika starts sleeping in yoichis room bc its comforting and it lets him forget about anything and just pretend hes a normal teenager

Sleep deprived angst talks are the best kind

yoichi + mika have late night talk sessions that usually involve at least 1 of the crying

mika comforting yoichi tho?? good shit……..in a very quite, subdued way, lots of hugs involved, purring, crying. they finally fall asleep at like 3 am and dont get up till past noon. mika is clinging to yoichi like an octopus.

Mika: holds yoichi

Yoichi: is held

yoi always wakes up earlier than mika but he stays in bed and falls into a doze and hugs mika instead of getting up

bc its so nice to have companionship and also he knows that mika will get really anxious if he wakes up and yoi isnt there

oooooh maybe the first time they sleep in the same bed yoichi gets up in the morning to have breakfast and mika’s still asleep (he needs his rest). and then mika wakes up and panics bc yoichi is gone, and he immediately thinks someting bad happened

mika rushes downstairs bc Gotta FInd YOichi and sees everyone in the kitchen eating breakfast and everythings fine, but he still hugs yoi and checks him over for injuries and doesnt want to let him go. vampire instincts say Gotta Protect Yoichi

and hes like trembling a little bc what if something had happened to yoichi or any of the others??

scenario: mika spends days at a time at yuu's shrine and it's pouring rain and getting to be nighttime so yoichi goes to look for him and he's bleeding from his wrists and not healing bc he hasn't had blood in a week. and yoichi eventually persuades him to come inside. (bany: this kills the man). and basically half carries mika back to the house, and the other squad members are anxiously waiting in the kitchen, mika is basically incoherent but he's just so. miserable. and everyone hurts. he’s dripping blood and cold water and hes a Mess™

yoichi and shinoa get him upstairs and into the bath and mika doesn't even care bc he's just. done.

(also there's mikayoi going on bc i'm lov that shit)

mika says that his life his worthless if yuu is dead and that he's failed his only purpose - to keep yuu safe. and yoichi and shinoa talk about how they need him too bc he's their family now too. and there are nice tender moments with yoichi washing mika's hair

bany: good because his hair would be Nasty and prob needs a good brush

 afterwards mika drinks from yoichi bc he's too exhausted to even protest and they have another Tender Moment™

anyway imagine mika and yoichi hugging each other quietly remembering yuu 

:" )

the squad ovs ends up sleeping in the same room/mattress pile (comfort among others, ect.) but they have like. babysitting mika shifts. they take turns wedging him into the corner of the pile so 1. he can get some fucking sleep and 2. he won't get up and try anything self destructive at tnight.  lot of times he can't even sleep OR he sleeps for days at a time

thats it for now :3 thank u for reading so far and also im sorry

[s-nnyd]

all of the ask me meme :) please stop talking about naruto

i think that was this one?

rose: what makes you feel beautiful?

man, hmm, when my hair falls just right and it looks like the hairstyle that could be used in like a romcom drama oh or when the sun starts to set because everythign just starts to feel like the right color and it makes it just about everything right

lace: how would you describe your best friend(s)?

complete idiots i love hanging out with

wish: what are your favourite memories?

oh fuck dude my favorite memories? okay so back in middle school when there was the open house and i signed up for one of the shifts i just stayed in ms. dean’s room and like it was raining and pouring and i was just kinda fooling around with some friends before our shifts started and like we ordered pizza and my goodness it was cold and wet as fuck but it was such a genuinely nice memory of just the feeling during that time also when were painting murals for  art ds like shit man that was like the time of my life and i genuinely get all these heartfelt feelings each time i think about it (oh oh oh oh and like mrs q said that like shes trying to make things work with walker about doing a mural inside the class and im like holy fuck please like im legit gonna cry if that happens) and although its super embarrassing just like all the times ive ever really had talks and hung out with mrs q like they were genuinely nice memories and esp friday too like she told me stories about the previous schools she went to and the types of students she had and i love hearing stuff like that and yesterday was truly enjoyable

heaven: describe your ideal date

hhhhhhhh okay okay okay okay so its raining out but we still were supposed to meet up and im standing outside with a cup of hot choco with extra whip cream just the way she likes it cause i wanted to get it for her and when she comes to meet me she also has a cup of hot choco with extra cocoa for me and its just the kinda heart and chest swelling kinda moment cause we both were thinking about each other and then we head over to watch the movies first something stupid yet enjoyable and after going to have some lunch at like a really good tofu house and then after going to an art museum and then ill say somethign cheesy like man im surprised you dont live here ‘why?’ cause youre a work of art  or you know whats the most beautiful piece of art out of this whole exhibit ‘ooo was it the ______ or the _____ one or maybe its the ______?” nah its you and thats the main commentary im making through out the whole exhibition and like after that we head over to my place and the rains still coming down my head on her lap and her fingers through my hair as watch a movie both of us has seen far too many times already that it this point its just for the sake of background noise and like we swap spots where shes on my lap now adn eventually she falls asleep i carry her to the bed and let her nap for a bit and she wakes up after a while and comes into the kitchen and im cooking fried rice at like 3 in the morning and its just lazy hugs and bad singing but all in all its just relaxing soothing loving and everything i really want

angel: what is your dream aesthetic?

oh man like okay have you seen that godzilla jacket that was floating around on tumblr for a while like like that specific aesthetic where its super cool stitching and japanese words that i can actually read for once OH OH OH or like just absolute artist like just paint splatters and charcoal and pastel that wont wash out and jean jackets with patches and just yeeeeeee

wings: list five things you love about yourself

hmmm i think my determination to always be improving, my loyalty, my ability to think from multiple angles of a situation, my creativity and the multitude of ideas that come as a result of it , and mmm prolly the fact that when i love someone or got a crush like more than anything id love to give them the absolute most like id give them the world if i could if it would make them happy and like they dont gotta accept my feelings or anything but jsut please dont reject my gifts like i just want you to be happy and i wanna see you smile and laugh and like even if this aint gonna turn anything im glad i got to love you and have this experience

marble: what do you look for in a partner?

oh man okay so like ive noticed that every single person ive ever had a crush on like  i dont necessarily got a type in the sense of like looks or anything like that cause they all look super different and there is no one “type” but like its a lot closer to a “type” as in a type of person like someone whos generally super open minded and caring and gentle someone who even though they dont believe so theyre changing and helping so so so so many people around them someone who has the best laugh that id do anything to hear and the prettiest eyes and the most amazing smile that id truly do anythign to see someone whos usually loved by many but even in close relations theyre extremely close heart to heart and very attentive someone whos got a great head on their shoulders and the mindset to keep moving forward and improve someone who rlly pushes the idea communication, trust, and honesty and like man theyre people with the most beautiful minds and hearts and like it ends up being a case where theyve got the most beautiful face too

velvet: describe your dream home

oh fuck dude i couldnt even talk about this for my project for japanese i cant do it here

pearl: what is your favourite: scent, flavour, sound, texture?

shit dude ive really gotta say that my favorite scent is prolly the art and the ceramics room like really its super calming my fave flavor would maybe be honey? (i just had a honey stick rn so) my favorite sound is the sound of my crush’s voice and laugh, fave texture has def gotta be my paint like fuck i love sticking my hand in that shit

sunlight: list five things you find to be beautiful

link, zelda, my crush, the specific color of cerulean blue, okay and oddly enough that scar thats on my leg from when i fell off my skateboard

cherry: what words of advice would you give to a stranger?

if you think someone’s got a cool shirt, pretty eyes, a nice laugh, the cutest button nose, a soothing voice, or is just in general attractive to you, just tell them like the smile on their face is worth a whole lot and i promise you that it could make their day

blush: describe your ideal future

oh fuck okay so its one where i got a like four big dogs (cause these are my faves), a samoyed a husky a german shepard and a pit bull, and im living in a nice decent place with my loved one i have a job either at one of the major animation studios or im working with a huge game company (preferably Nintendo so i can work on some loz games) and ive also got a seperate place thats a block or two away from my home and its my own personal studio a place that is just a whole floor dedicated to working on my art whether it be two dimensional traditional or digital and i also got a throwing wheel and a place to put my ceramics and ive made some movies and games that ive dedicated to mrs q and mrs y because theyve brought me so far in my art career and also played such a big role in my life in general and id love to make them proud and like honestly that soudns like the absolute shit to me

sea: what music, art and/or literature brings you peace?

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh man just seein loz fanart is the best but also like fuck dude like mmmmm when i see an art style i really love that has literally the best fuckign composition and color usage like fuck thats my shit like theres some specific ones that i dont know how to describe

wine: talk about something you are looking forward to

working on that mural if mrs q can make it through cause that is legit what i really wanna do like i fucking love working on murals oh oh oh also when we can finally order the new j shirts cause i finished the design and i really wanna see everyone wearing them im really proud of this year’s design aalsososoooooooo like im really excited to work on the next project for ceramics like were makign slab boxes and we can basically tell a story and do whatever the fuck we want with it and man im just so excited for that (wow i legit realized that like everything ive listed that is part of my dream or makes me excited or happy is like art related like wow)

honey: what do you do to relax?

i watch shitposts oh that or i talk to my cousin lynnette cause really shes super understanding and its really easy to talk to her

silk: describe your most recent dream

man i forgot the bulk of it but i think like it was one where i didnt finish my charcoal portrait or my coil pot in time and then i woke up in a cold sweat

matte: what is something you are proud of?

hmmmm at current im proud of the presents i gave to mrs y and mrs q cause it made the both of them really happy and like i really wanted to show them how thankful i am to them and like they genuinely liked the posters and the flowers

gloss: list ten songs you love right now

lmao shit uh

feelings - hayley kiyoko

maple - hayley kiyoko

redbone - childish gambino

forrest gump - frank ocean

shes so mean - matchbox twenty

perfect - ed sheeran

and legit just like all of the soundtracks for all the loz games

satin: what never fails to make you happy?

oh oh oh oh oh when i give a present to my crush or i do something nice for them and they just give me the biggest smile or the best laugh ive ever heard and theres just the crinkle at the corners of their eyes from smilign so hard and because theyre trying so hard to keep eye contact with me while but theyre laughing really hard and they can only keep one eye open and like just the genuineness of joy and all

opal: talk about your interests and passions

hhhhhhhh dude dude like mannnnnn like hhhhhh okay imma talk about loz for a sec and like i know i brought it up before but i love like so much okay like oot was my first time playing time playing any loz game and my lord it was the shit like the storyline the characters the graphics the sound track the quests and side characters liek everything really made it feel like so much mroe and like i feel so much for it like heres link growing up and hes like what around ten or so and hes got some friends and he finally gets his fairy and then his tree dad goes and dies right after telling him lmao sorry but you kinda gotta save the kingdom k bye and like this kid this kid literally knows jack shit about anything but he goes on and does it anyways he goes and helps zelda he goes and helps the people who are in trouble along the way and plays some rad ass tunes on his tiny lil ocarina of time while doing it and like even when he gets put into the future like he sitll has the mindset of a ten year old hes still as innocent and earnest and pure hearted as when he first started and like holy fuck dont get me started on sheik like shit sheik is so damn cool and like knowing that it was zelda all that time like fuck yeah zelda can kick ass fuck yeah zelda got muscles for days fuck yeah she can punt you across the kingdom and like at the end when she thanks him and sends him back and time so he can enjoy the lost time like shit dude i know zelda meant well and all but like hes experienced so much with and for her hes done so much give the kid a break and then even then navi in the end like leaves and then eveything continues in majoras mask and again hes in his ten year old body but now wiht the experiences and knowledge and basically memories from being seventeen like hes got so much mroe than what his body and mind should handle at this point and he wanders into the forest again all in search for an old friend to look for navi and like when he gets sent to termina after trying to chase after skull kid and like havign those nightmares witht he scrubs like hes gone through so much and i only want more for him and like he doesnt have to save termina he doesnt he doesnt need to do anything he can let termina get smooshed to smitherins by the moon for all the work hes already done for hyrule but he does it anyway and he rewinds time again and again and again and again so he can fix all of these problems for all of these people he does all of this to bring some sort of proper ending for these people who have the last three days of their lives the last three days before their deaths repeat over and over and over and over and over again and he saves them each and every time he rewinds time and he goes through all this shit i mean this ten year old mother fucker is doing olympic bakc flips and twirls and shit after oot like shit boi and then like oh myy gooddddd like damn botw like fuck dude that game means a whole lot to me like its lacking a lil bit in the presence of an evil and i mena i know its ganon and all but like shit i could ignore that motherfucker for all eternity if he wasnt being such a total asshat to zelda and like i mainly beat that motherfucker up just for zelda like for once in a game ive never wanted more to save her like they went so much into detail abotu her and like dude those memories thos cutscenes? like that shit made everythign and i truly love her she works so hard and shes held up to this image of being extremely spiritiually adept because of all her ancestors ebcause of all the other zeldas but she jsut cant she jsut cant do the same thing and so she tries in other ways she tries to udnerstand and get a grasp on sheikah and ancient tech so she can at least be prepared to stand against the calamity when it does come and like the champions all worry about her like the girl nearly got herself killed in the process of trying to awaken her so called spiritual powers and like dude finding out that in the beginning zelda legit hated links ass like they put so much mroe into her like she she hated seeing that he was a prodigy that he didnt have a single trouble in the world and then finally link speaks up and he tells her he talks to her about why he keeps quiet and like the two finally bond and like the two dorks love each other so much that it really does go beyond friendship and romance like they legit would die for each other that one time that zelda was this fucking close to getting her ass handed to her on a silver platter and link was beat the fuck up like he went to save her and then the time when link was basically on his death bed and a guardian was about to pulverize him zelda stood between him and the guardian this bitch wasnt even thinking about having her spiritual powers she was legit ready to die for him if it meant he could run away and get to safety and i mean luckily she her spiritual powers did come out but she legit realized it when she was so genuinely scared but chose to stand up cause she cared for him so much and like these two kids fight so much and have gone through a lot both on their own times and also together but like i love them so much no matter what timeline theyre in

kiss: what do you want from life right now?

my lord i want life to point me in the right direction tbqh or at least give me a mentor for some help like please ive been guiding and doing everything myself this whole time give me a break like after reading all the stories for lang and lit like it makes me feel so lost in what im doing like after catcher in the rye and playing the role of holden caulfield and denying that i fit any part of the role and then realizing how similar i was to him and then reading death of a salesman and relating to biff and reading raisin in the sun and relating to beneatha like shit i really felt lost like ive been talking about it with my therapist lately and like yeah i think i really need some direction or reassurance or a mentor or at least something in my life thats consistent cause right now im a complete mess

[cooktit]

The concept of love has honestly changed over the years. As a young kid, I remember one of my first perceptions of love was that everything was easy, but god was I wrong. 

I remember going through the planning process of my aunt’s wedding, and it just seemed like everything was so easy. Two people loved each other, and everything was just meant to work out. As a kid that was what I aspired to have - someone I could share my life with, live with, and build a home with. Growing up and seeing my aunty and uncle grow - buying their first house, their first car, having their first child, and even a second was just so appealing to me. They were happy, they were building a family, and just everything I ever wanted.

2017 - I was 19 and met this girl. We started talking, and yeah it was a rough start, we weren’t really sure what was happening, we were on different ‘wavelengths’, and lost contact. But for some reason by August, our lives realligned and that was the beginning of our love story. Something which I thought was going to last forever. 

It’s crazy how you start to pick up on little things about each other. How you start little ‘traditions’ without actually knowing that it was going to become a habit. From ‘good morning’ texts to falling asleep on the phone with each other, From asking each other how their day was to just being excited to tell the other person every little bit that happens throughout the day, and from lust to love. Every little thing began to matter so much because everything made me happy, and to me ... this was what my aunty felt. Everytime we hit a milestone, meeting each others family, bringing each other to family events, spending Christmas, New Years, Birthdays. Everytime we hit something like that, I felt like we grew. I felt like it was another step closer to our forever. Everything just felt so right, everything was just happening and I honestly believed it was a forever thing, grow up and build a family - just like my aunt.

Fast Forward to the December 2018 - where everything fell apart. How did we go from being each other’s forever. From talking about creating a life together ... our life together. How did we go from being so in love, so happy ... to just falling apart. I fought so hard for you, I did. I know I was wrong in the past for pushing you away because I wanted you to have better because of circumstances at home, i believed that I wasn’t able to give you the perfect life you deserved. But you proved me wrong. You made me believe in us, and from that point on I did nothing but try harder and harder everyday to show that even though I’m struggling I will always put you before myself. I will always try to give you the life you deserve - The best I have to give. But to go from all that to you giving up on us? 

The break up was hard it was. Until this day, I don’t know what was real and what wasn’t. Did you hook up with him? Did you sleep with him? All of this I don’t know, I don’t want to know. But this is what he told me. I just want you to know that whatever lies he may have told you, whatever stories he may have made you believe. Everything I found out was through him. But that’s not the point of this post. I wanted to keep this as generic as possible. So here we go.

The following months after the break up was hard. All I wanted was to have you back. All I wanted was to have that feeling of security and warmth again - not from anyone but you because I felt like there was a void where noone could save me except for you. It took me almost 3 months to feel comfortable to sleep on ‘your side’ of the bed. Everything just felt so long, and learning to readjust to life without you was something I thought that I could never overcome.

How crazy is it that everything that once meant so much to us, to me, seem to have disappeared by a click of a finger. How until this day, I still think and wish you the best when you don’t want a single thing to do with me. Did I do something wrong? I don’t know ... maybe I did. Maybe someone told you something and made me the bad guy. I guess all these questions made me constantly search for closure, but the question is - is there such thing as closure? All these ‘what ifs’ and questions honestly put me in such a bad mental state, and it took me a while to realise that no matter what answer I get, I will always have a follow up question. There will always be an infite number of questions to why you fell out of love, to why our forever ended. But all that is okay, I have come to accept everything and I’m moving on. I may not be ready for a relationship right now, but one day the time will come. 

I guess the point of this is to just highlight what I’ve learnt through this experience. That love is a not as simple and easy as I thought as a kid. That it takes an enormous amount of effort by both for it to work out. I just want to remind myself, and maybe others that no matter what happens, no matter what you go through, that everything will be okay because as cliche as it sounds ‘when you hit rock bottom, theres no where to go but up’.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey God,

i feel really guilty right now.

to the point that i feel physically sick and could barf at any moment. i can already feel the stomach acids starting to burn my throat.

a part of me just wants to cry.

God, I’m losing sight of who I am in you.

I’ve been experimenting a lot recently and doing things that I thought were just me getting back to my roots and who I am but I’m realizing a lot of the things I used to do weren’t very pleasing to you. I do really enjoy stand up comedians and I think they’re really funny. And enjoying their blunt nature isn’t bad in it of itself. But they do curse. A lot. And use your name in vain. A lot. I don’t feel comfortable sharing that side of me and those interests with the people at church because a part of me knows it isn’t pleasing to you. It isn’t honoring to you. But because I can’t face that truth and reality of the situation, I just blame everyone else. I just say, “Oh, I have nothing in common with the people at Lakeview or Movement. That’s why we can’t get along. It’s their fault, not mine. They should try harder to have more things in common with me. I’ve already tried too hard and too much. I deserve to rest. I deserve to be served.” And things along those lines. Those aren’t all things I’ve necessarily explicitly said but they are definitely some of my inner thoughts that I choose to ignore but are definitely there. Of course I don’t get along with everyone. I have such a me vs them mindset and blame them for my pain and misfortune instead of just really genuinely caring for them and serving them. I can’t expect the community to get better overnight and magically get better at welcoming. Ideally, they already would have that personality and willingness. In this case, they don’t. And that’s okay. But I need to learn to humble myself and really invest in them as individuals to be more welcoming and accepting. i need to be a role model for them and encourage/challenge them to do the same. instead of just expecting them to act that way.

sidenote: i am really irrationally afraid that someone is going to break into my apartment when im not home and be hiding in my room or something and attack me or steal from me or other things to me. im really afraid someone is going to break into my apartment w/o me knowing and i’ll just come home totally unsuspecting and be susceptible to danger i dont even know exists.

but tbh, im also afraid of people breaking in while im home as well. im just really afraid of living alone, surprisingly. bc at least if theres two of us and someone breaks in, one person can help the other or call the police or help attack the perpetrator or something. if im alone, i have to struggle on my own. theres no one that’s got my back. i just need to do my best to survive in the moment. i would feel so much fear if i heard someone’s footsteps in my apartment or someone opening the door. i would probably turn off my lights and hide in my closet but be so on edge that i would be found out. i never want to experience that. ever. God, please make it so I never do. Please.

i feel kinda guilty rn bc i wanted to stay up to plan my class for kidsland today but honestly i just feel so nauseous and my throat feels so acidic that i think itd just be better if i slept now and planned my class tomorrow. i know i shouldve been/done a better job at preparing sooner but i didnt so here i am now.

------

i ended up falling asleep and just doing the research/getting my notes together this morning on the train and while at church before the teacher’s meeting

i was planning on staying up to do the design so as to not disappoint jenny and do the necessary research for my class so they have a good time and make the most of my opportunity teaching them but i honestly felt so nauseous and did barf a little last night. i knew it’d be better to just sleep and hopefully feel better in the morning and then work on my materials today. and i was right. i did feel better after sleeping and i was still able to get my materials together today.

so last night, i went to ari’s party and i didn’t think it would be like a college party party. i thought it would just be a small kickback with some friends where some people drank, some people didnt, and we just played games together all night long. i didnt think there would be so much booze, so many people i didnt know, so much talk about sexually immoral things, and feel so incredibly hated and persecuted and judged for my faith and how i carry myself. i knew people were judging me for leaving when they were starting their kink game. for judging me for not drinking alcohol. for not wholeheartedly agreeing with their beliefs that Catholicism is horrible and that God isn’t real. I was one of three straight, binary people at the party last night out of maybe twenty people. And as it gets increasingly harder to be a Christian, I feel even more and more alone from the people in Movement. And a part of me really wants to leave. I’ve tried and tried and tried so hard for so long to be a part of the community and in the end, it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. Today, P. Josh preached about evangelizing and what it means to share the gospel. And then P. William introduced communion and challenged us and asked if we were serious about actually living this out and constantly sharing the gospel and being defined by this. And ultimately, I was too afraid. Thinking about myself in the room with everyone at the party last night, I felt so alone. And I didn’t want to lose them. I didn’t want to risk the community and friends I feel like I do have—especially with my co-workers who have been there for me during such trying times and have comforted me and accepted me as I am—for the sake of the gospel. I know this is something I need to do and should do and how God, you, have called me to live. But I couldn’t do it. Because without them, I feel like I don’t have anyone. I know that I need to just get over the Chinatown outing/trip that happened in April but I really was so incredibly hurt by that. Because it was honestly just hard for me to even give people the opportunity to come downtown again. To show that they do care about us and see us as a part of the community. And they were so seemingly excited to go too. So when almost no one showed up, I was honestly heartbroken. Them not coming and not telling us they couldn’t come just meant to me that we weren’t worth the time or energy to travel that far. Because we aren’t that important to them. We aren’t a part of the community. We’re on our own. And I know that Amanda has got my back and I do love her dearly. But she isn’t in Movement anymore. She graduated. She’s moving on. She’s in Catalyst now. And I’m on my own. And honestly, I don’t feel a community with Movement. Instead, I feel like I need to be strong for them and be someone they can rely upon and look up and trust to do what is right and lead by example. I want to leave Movement, and maybe even Lakeview now, knowing that I was able to disciple people well enough where I can trust that the community will keep growing in the right direction. That even when I leave, there will be willing people. People willing to put in the time and worth and effort and energy to make sure that they are a people striving to be more like Christ. Striving to make sure no one feels left out or left behind. Striving for a better future. And I know I’m only human and ultimately it has to be through God working in me for this to become possible.

But I know every single person in new MAST has a good heart. They do all want a better future. They want to build a community of acceptance and openness. I genuinely believe this as fact. But they aren’t there yet to make this a reality. I want to be able to stand firm in my faith and do what is right even if I am alone in doing so. Even if they would rather fit in with each other or take the easy way out, I want to be able to stand tall and strong. Even if I am alone. Even if no one is on my side. I want to continue to do what is right because I know it is pleasing to the Lord. Because I trust that He will move within their hearts and that they will eventually learn to also do what is right. But I don’t know if I can give up my friends at school, people I actually get along so easily and well with. People that have common, shared interests with me. We watch the same shows, have the same hobbies, like the same supplies. I have almost nothing in common with the people at Movement. I kind of don’t even really have anything in common with the people at Lakeview. And I have tried to find common interest. I tried to get into smash but I don’t really has easy/ready to access opportunity to play or practice smash regularly. I don’t play sports, nor do I really have the resources to engage in sports even if I wanted to. There’s not really a sports team or anything at my school. I tried to get into k-pop and other korean stuff and ended up just being ignorant and excluding the non-koreans in our community. i dont know what else to do.

and i know, having Christ in common is supposed to be the most important thing and of much greater value and importance than any of these other things in the world. But I really would like to have at least just one friend in Movement to whom I can talk to so easily and freely. Someone I actually have things in common with. Someone I can relate to. Someone who obsesses over the same things I do and shares common interest with me. Is that too much to ask?

Today, I left before P. William started communion. I really tried to stay but I knew I would feel way too much guilt to partake in communion when I myself was internally struggling so much with preaching the gospel. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t make a false promise to God. And I didn’t want everyone to notice me in the pew not going up when everyone else did. So I left.

And I can just chalk it up to feel nauseous again or something which could totally pass because I actually was in the restroom for the whole time until I had to go and teach for Kidsland. But the truth is, I just couldn’t face it. I was too afraid. I couldn’t make that commitment to God. At least not then. And not now either. I just couldn’t do it. So like a coward, I left.

And I was really anxious about running into P. Josh or P. William again after that. I was even kind of dreading going into college hour because I didn’t want P. Josh to ask me why I suddenly left and just blatantly lie to his face. I couldn’t do that to him. I have too much love and respect for him. But I also don’t know if I can just be honest and tell him the truth either.

Even right now. I’m debating on whether or not to go to Jenny’s thing tonight. I don’t know if I’ll have the strength and energy to pretend to be totally fine and happy the whole time and like nothing is wrong when in reality, it feels like I’m drowning. Like everything is crashing and burning down around me.

But I feel like I’ve already told too many people that have asked if I’m coming that I am. I feel like I just have to go and get it over with at this point. I could still potentially bail on tonight and say I was feeling sick again. I don’t know yet.

I’m still trying to figure things out.

Please bring my clarity on what I should do, God. Please.

I don’t know how much longer I can keep living this life.

Why am I even here? Maybe I should just leave.

I was able to pretend like everything was fine during class today for Kidsland. I just hope I can do that for a longer period of time with the adults. As long as I just avoid everyone in Movement, I think I’ll be okay.

Sigh.

Okay.

I got this.

I just. I need to really pray and intercede on these things to God later. When I’m alone. I don’t want to tell anyone what I’m going through right now in fear that it’ll just end up being burdensome to them. P. Josh doesn’t need to hear this again or how I’m struggling with being a Christian at my school again.

I just feel so alone and I don’t know what to do anymore.

Honestly, even today during college hour, when P. Josh and Christine asked what we want out of these summer sessions, I wanted to say that I just want feel accepted and like I have a community and group of people I can rely on—especially as it gets harder and harder to be friends with the people at school and as they persecute God and Christianity in increasing amounts. But I couldn’t bring myself to say and confess that without feeling like I was going to cry. So I didn’t say anything at all and just kept my mouth shut.

I volunteered to share my life story next week. Hopefully I’ll be in a better place and more mentally stable to share then.