cooktit

[cooktit]

2020

Damn ... Just like that, we’re at the end of 2020. I can’t believe how fast this year has felt. With the unprecidented COVID pandemic, and being in lockdown for basically three quarters of the year ... I’m honestly surprised at how my life has turned around. I guess this post is just to highlight what my goals were, what I’ve achieved, where I want to be, and what I want to do in 2021. 

So lets start with what my goals were for 2020 -

Self Growth, focusing on myself, prioritising friends and families. 

Advancing in my Career, secure something for myself - hopefully something in Victoria Police

Start working out - lose 10kgs. 

Save at least 15k, save up for a house to set up my faily and have some stability. 

What I’ve achieved in 2020 - 

Focusing on myself - I can honestly say that I am probably in one of the best mindsets that I have ever been in. I’m happy both emotionally and mentally. I’m happy with the people I have and just overall what I’ve achieved. 

I feel like i definitely did advance in my career. From just a normal team member, I’m now the Team Leader for Customer Operations and feel like that is something very stable and secure. 

Working out - over the past 2 months I’ve consistantly been going to the gym. I’ve lost almost 5kgs. I want to say that covid was a really big set back, but I don’t want to use it as an excuse on why I wasn’t working out. I could’ve easily done home work outs, run more, and have a healthy diet but I didn’t. So yes COVID was a set back, but it doesn’t excuse the fact that I didn’t change my way s .. 

 I managed to save almost 30k this year ... crazy ... and I also got a house. So I guess i definitely did hit this goal! probably surpassed my expectations because I would have never expected to be able to purchase a property so soon. 

Goals for 2021 - 

My biggest goal for 2021 is to lose another 10kgs. I’ve managed to lose 5 in the last two months, but I would really like to be at the 70kg mark by June. 

To further my career - either get a better position in MYER, or apply for the Police Force. 

If COVID Restriction allows - travel. Unlike last year, where I wanted an x amount of money in my account, this year I want to save enough and go to Japan. 

Also do a Sydney Trip to visit my family up there!

Work on my relationships with my friends. I realised that this year, there were times where I don’t speak to, or see my friends for months at a time. This coming year, I would like to catch up with friends more often, and do more things with them. Just invest more time into my friends I guess. 

Start working on my car - look at getting a respray, new seats, and possibly a shifter!

Put myself out there and stop running away from any ‘potential’ that I may come across. I know I’m in a good enough mindset where I’m happy with who and where I am in life. So, lets see if I meet any one hey?

But yeah ... I guess that’s it? I’ll check back in in maybe 6 months, then at the end of the year!

[cooktit]

The year that was.

January 1st 2020. 

I guess it’s a good day to recap the year 2019 was, my ups and downs, and my accomplishments. Yesterday after work, a colleague of mine asked me, “What are YOU thankful for in 2019,” and it really got me thinking for the ‘perfect’ answer, and I think I got it. My answer is - I’m thankful and grateful for my self and personal growth. By this I mean how i mentally and emotionally grew, and how I matured this year. 

I don’t know if I’ve said this in the past, but I’m honestly so glad that everything turned out the way it did. Yes, at first I was pretty upset about how 2019 was. The amount of heart break and emotional toll that I went through earlier this year was possibly one of the hardest things I’ve been through. I honestly have never felt so alone, and consumed by my own thoughts, which resulted me in doing something I immensly regret and can not ever take back. I could easily look back right now and blame people, blame my mental state for 2019 being the worst year I’ve had in a long time, or quite possibly, the worst year i’ve every had, but quite frankly that’s not the case. As I said, I’m glad for everything that I’ve been through, and paradoxically, 2019 was my year. The year that I can honestly look back and say that I’ve grown so much. I have a different out look on life, how to face different things, and I guess an overall better attitude towards everything. I feel like I’m able to look at things in a positive manner, and see the better of everything. To be able to look past all the shit things and see the lessons or good that comes from events/adversities. 

So I guess that was my 2019 ... a lot of heart ache, a lot of learning, and a lot of change. So what does 2020 have in store for me? What goals do I have for the up coming year? What do I want to achieve this year? Are these called New Years Resolutions? Or are they just a short term plan I have for myself for the next couple of months? 

Firstly, I still want to continue this self growth thing I have going on for me. I want to keep concentrating on myself, and being the best person I can be. I’ve spoken to a few friends about this, and this is where the question of relationships come up. I’m not saying I’m going to be single for the whole year. But a relationship is definitely not something I am looking for right now. I want to be able to prioritise myself, my friends, and my family. In saying that, if someone does come along, if I do develope feelings, I’m not just going to throw it all away because I’m trying to better myself. I guess what I’m trying to say is - what ever happens, happens, but I’m not actively going to go out and search for a relationship. 

The second thing that I want to accomplish this year is furthering my career. I want a new job, or at the very least work towards something that has a future - hopefully something full time. I want to secure something for myself, and work towards something that is stable for my future. Hopefully something within Victoria Police, but right now anything is better than nothing right?

The third thing kind of ties in with the first. I want to get into shape. Start working out, and lose another 10kgs. Not because I want to be “big” or whatever, but moreso for the fact that, I’m focusing on my mental and emotional health, but my physical  health is also really important, which i highkey have been negelecting. Oops ... 

The last thing is to save money. In 2020, I want to try save at least another 15 grand ontop of what I have. But If i do go on a holiday ... maybe just another 10? Holidays right now isn’t a priority, but more of a privilage. I want to work towards having a big enough savings to hopefully get a house soon. To set up my family, and finally have some stability in my life. 

I know some people have like 10-20 things on their “New Years Resolutions” list or whatever they want to call it. But I have decided to stick to these 4 things. I believe that it’s all about baby steps. To be able to change small things in my life one little step at a time and accomplish them, rather than setting 15-20 things, stress that I wont be able to achieve half of them, then just giving it up all together. I believe that these goals are achievable, and I’m setting a decent ‘bar’ for myself. Nothing too crazy or hard, or nothing too easy that I can accomplish within the next 24 hours. I guess throughout this year, I’ll be posting here and there whenever I feel like it, but I hope that this time next year ... I’ll continue to be a better version of myself. 

[cooktit]

holy fuck LMAOOO

probably spoke too soon hey? Why am I like this ... falling for people that I shouldn’t be ... yikes HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

[cooktit]

Hi world, it’s me again. I guess it’s just been a while since I have last posted, and I just wanted to say I’m happy. I’m very happy. I’m glad that I went through whatever the hell I did, because I know that I’m learning. I used to fall for stupid hoes hard and fast, but now I’m taking my time, not getting attached, and just yeah ... HAHAHA I don’t know how to explain it to be honest. I mean I’m still getting butterflies and everything whenever I get messages, I love talking to her, but I’m not attached like I used to be? This is good. I’m learning and I’m loving my life right now ^___^

[cooktit]

One thing I’ve learnt this year is that suffering comes from our own attachments. I think becoming attached to the idea of being happy and sharing a future with someone ultimately dictated the magnitude of “suffering” one goes through. 

Maybe I’m wrong ... or maybe I’m not, but letting go of all that was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. It took time, persistence, and a lot of ups and downs to get to where I am. Yes some days were harder than others, but at the end of the day I’m finally happy and content with life.

I can finally say that I’m glad that I went through everything that I did. I’m able to take a step back and see how much I’ve grown as an individual. I’m able to see how my morals and my perspective on everything has changed, and I’m able to go through and deal with different things that come along my way.

I’m not saying that I wont have bad days, and things will always be fine, but what I can say is that I’m okay. I’m happy now, and I can honestly say that everything is going to be alright. 

[cooktit]

I feel like I can’t talk to you guys anymore. I feel that I don’t deserve you guys. I don’t know what to do right now because I just feel so alone. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can keep this up ... I keep falling back to where I used to be and it honestly scares me

[cooktit]

I seriously can not be fucked right now

[cooktit]

I’m sick and tired of feeling broken. I just want it all to end.

[cooktit]

I miss the good old days. The ‘better days’, where life was simple. Before heart break, and before everything got so complicated. I wish everything was the way it used to be. I wish I could turn back time and go back to simple and easy. Back to the old me. The happy me. I’m so broken, and I don’t know what to do anymore. Some days I just wish everything could go away, maybe if I could go away and forget about everything thats happened. I wish I could just be alone, disappear. I don’t know why my thoughts are getting dark like they used to be. Maybe its because I dont talk to my bestfriends about how I really feel anymore. I need help. I need help to put this all behind and become a better me. 

[cooktit]

hate?

I don’t hate you, I really don’t. I don’t hate what you for what you did. I just hate how I can think back to that very moment and remember excactly every little feeling that I felt. How I can just pin point that one moment, and everything I felt in that exact moment rushes through my body. It messes me up, it really does. Thats not to say I still have feelings for you - because I don’t. I’m done I really am, but all those feelings of heart break, betrayal, and distrust breaks me. I’m so much better, but still so broken. 

[cooktit]

I’m so over feeling like the second option. Only ever being asked to hang out after you’ve made plans with others, or can’t be bothered going with them. cya 

[cooktit]

The concept of love has honestly changed over the years. As a young kid, I remember one of my first perceptions of love was that everything was easy, but god was I wrong. 

I remember going through the planning process of my aunt’s wedding, and it just seemed like everything was so easy. Two people loved each other, and everything was just meant to work out. As a kid that was what I aspired to have - someone I could share my life with, live with, and build a home with. Growing up and seeing my aunty and uncle grow - buying their first house, their first car, having their first child, and even a second was just so appealing to me. They were happy, they were building a family, and just everything I ever wanted.

2017 - I was 19 and met this girl. We started talking, and yeah it was a rough start, we weren’t really sure what was happening, we were on different ‘wavelengths’, and lost contact. But for some reason by August, our lives realligned and that was the beginning of our love story. Something which I thought was going to last forever. 

It’s crazy how you start to pick up on little things about each other. How you start little ‘traditions’ without actually knowing that it was going to become a habit. From ‘good morning’ texts to falling asleep on the phone with each other, From asking each other how their day was to just being excited to tell the other person every little bit that happens throughout the day, and from lust to love. Every little thing began to matter so much because everything made me happy, and to me ... this was what my aunty felt. Everytime we hit a milestone, meeting each others family, bringing each other to family events, spending Christmas, New Years, Birthdays. Everytime we hit something like that, I felt like we grew. I felt like it was another step closer to our forever. Everything just felt so right, everything was just happening and I honestly believed it was a forever thing, grow up and build a family - just like my aunt.

Fast Forward to the December 2018 - where everything fell apart. How did we go from being each other’s forever. From talking about creating a life together ... our life together. How did we go from being so in love, so happy ... to just falling apart. I fought so hard for you, I did. I know I was wrong in the past for pushing you away because I wanted you to have better because of circumstances at home, i believed that I wasn’t able to give you the perfect life you deserved. But you proved me wrong. You made me believe in us, and from that point on I did nothing but try harder and harder everyday to show that even though I’m struggling I will always put you before myself. I will always try to give you the life you deserve - The best I have to give. But to go from all that to you giving up on us? 

The break up was hard it was. Until this day, I don’t know what was real and what wasn’t. Did you hook up with him? Did you sleep with him? All of this I don’t know, I don’t want to know. But this is what he told me. I just want you to know that whatever lies he may have told you, whatever stories he may have made you believe. Everything I found out was through him. But that’s not the point of this post. I wanted to keep this as generic as possible. So here we go.

The following months after the break up was hard. All I wanted was to have you back. All I wanted was to have that feeling of security and warmth again - not from anyone but you because I felt like there was a void where noone could save me except for you. It took me almost 3 months to feel comfortable to sleep on ‘your side’ of the bed. Everything just felt so long, and learning to readjust to life without you was something I thought that I could never overcome.

How crazy is it that everything that once meant so much to us, to me, seem to have disappeared by a click of a finger. How until this day, I still think and wish you the best when you don’t want a single thing to do with me. Did I do something wrong? I don’t know ... maybe I did. Maybe someone told you something and made me the bad guy. I guess all these questions made me constantly search for closure, but the question is - is there such thing as closure? All these ‘what ifs’ and questions honestly put me in such a bad mental state, and it took me a while to realise that no matter what answer I get, I will always have a follow up question. There will always be an infite number of questions to why you fell out of love, to why our forever ended. But all that is okay, I have come to accept everything and I’m moving on. I may not be ready for a relationship right now, but one day the time will come. 

I guess the point of this is to just highlight what I’ve learnt through this experience. That love is a not as simple and easy as I thought as a kid. That it takes an enormous amount of effort by both for it to work out. I just want to remind myself, and maybe others that no matter what happens, no matter what you go through, that everything will be okay because as cliche as it sounds ‘when you hit rock bottom, theres no where to go but up’.

[cooktit]

new rule.

No more replying asap. Look at the text. Read It. Wait 2 weeks. Reply.

[cooktit]

snapchat

Snapchat really needs a function that deletes all the photos with your ex in your memories so I can still enjoy the memories I’ve had with my mates, instead of being reminded how “happy” I was this time last year with my ex HAHAHAHHAHA CYA

[cooktit]

yikes

I hate it ... well, sort of? I hate how much it hurt, but the other day I came across a post. I dont remember exactly what it said, but it did go along the lines of this - 

That I should put my phone down, stop writing those long texts to try and show them how much I’m hurt. Because at the end of the day, they know how much they have hurt me, but they really don’t give a fuck. 

Something like that ... and it’s right. I need to, and I have stopped thinking about the million and one things I want to say and ask you. What’s the point. You know how much you’ve hurt me, and quite frankly, you couldn’t give a fuck. Do you feel bad? Probably not. oh wells ... live, learn, move on hey? 

[cooktit]

cya

fighting every urge right now to call you and ask you how you are. For some stupid reason, I just want you back. I miss you so much, and I’ve gotten to the point where I want to forget everything that has happened, forgive you and start all over. Well that’s what I want ... but yeah bad idea hey? plus you would probably never go for something like this anyway. oh wells

[cooktit]

I miss you

I miss you, I really do. Maybe I’m confused between missing you, and missing what you gave me. Maybe it’s the idea of a relationship that I’m missing. All I know is that a miss certain things. I miss waking up in the mornings and calling you while i drive to work at 5am. I miss watching you paint and do art because I know that was when you were the happiest. I miss the way you used to look at me and pout for a kiss. I miss how we used to hold hands every time I drove. I miss how excited we used to be every time we got to see each other because we only got to see each other a few times a week. I miss picking you up from Springvale Station super early in the morning because you’d travel all the way down here before you got your license. I miss having you in my arms ... being in your arms. I miss sleeping over while you studied for your midsems or exams, and I’d doze off while watching you. I miss being your support, and I miss having your support. These are just a few of the many things I’ve missed about you ... or maybe the idea of being with someone. I honestly don’t know, but for now ... Let’s just say that I miss you