#there's tons of stuff i WANT to write but dont have the mental energy to write hhfhfhdhg

[icewindandboringhorror]

Other Misc. Rambling Thoughts on the topic:

(~ !!!!!!!!! if you're just reblogging this post for the Poll section, please reblog the original post without this addition* lol. ~)

(*not that there's anything super personal or weird about the addition, just that it's meant to be kind of casual Side Commentary, not really part of the Main Point Of The Poll, so it would feel kind of weird for it to be emphasized by being included in reblogs unless the reblogs were explicitly about the side commentary, etc..... if that makes sense.. ANYWAY!)

It's neat to read the written descriptions that people are mentioning in the tags, since it's almost like I can see or conceptualize the idea as well, but it's just.. I'm not SEEING it.

Like for example: I can imagine a vase, it's a muted mint green and slightly translucent, elaborate golden birds sprawled down the side in streaks of thin rough watery paint, the base material shimmers gently in the light, there's a small chip where it's cracked on the handle, etc, etc. .. But as I'm thinking about this I see literally nothing.

It seems like perhaps some people can visualize an object first, and THEN describe what they see. But I sort of work backwards. I am building the object in my mind, I can never see it, but it's a collection of concepts. Rather than visualizing all details as a whole at once, I am adding each detail one by one, building onto the IDEA of the thing.

The vase doesn't have a crack on the handle because I just automatically visualized a vase with a crack. It was more that I cognitively understand the concept of a vase, what they tend to be made out of, how they tend to look and feel, the properties they have. So based purely on that knowledge, I can imagine "a chip is something that a vase could have, it would look this way and behave this way" - more like... I'm constructing a bullet point Fact List about the object rather than seeing it.

So if you tell me to imagine an object, I can, in a way, imagine that object in great detail, but it's just.. I'm not SEEING those details, more just knowing it's qualities in a purely conceptual way. Sometimes in the tags when people are like "yeah I can see the skin of the apple, texture, little dots on the surface" it's like… I can imagine that too, I can know it's there, but just with no visual attached.

I guess rather than SEEING something and going ''ah. I know what this looks like because I have seen it''. I more just skip that visual step entirely and go ''I know what this looks like, I just randomly have a list of information about the concept in my mind.'' etc. Maybe similar to how sometimes in dreams, even though a house may look completely different and be in an entirely fake 'dreamlike' environment, you just somehow KNOW intuitively that it's meant to be your childhood home or something. Even when it looks nothing like it in reality. There's a built-in base knowledge of the properties or information of some things within a dreaming mind, etc.

--

This also makes me wonder about like.. how storytelling and myth is so important to cultures all across time. Or how this could tie also into concepts of religion.. etc. etc. If so many people really can kind of conjure these vivid images in their mind, then maybe that's part of why certain things are so meaningful to them? Like a "religious experience" being something you can actually really SEE/feel/lingering with you in your head, rather than just abstract words on a page, detached purely theoretical ideas, etc... hmmm

.

Plus also just for average emotional stuff too, even outside of broader cultural conceptual attachments..

Like, I don't think there's a direct 1 to 1 link (obviously not all people with mental illnesses that significantly reduce their emotional or expressive capacity also MUST have aphantasia or vice versa), but it's interesting as someone who DOES also have a much more lessened emotional range/pretty flat affect/etc. etc. to think like.. Maybe I WOULD be more emotional, in a way, if I could have these vivid experiences..?

Perhaps memories would hold deeper significance if they could really stay with me vividly. Or storytelling would evoke more of a deep emotional reaction to me if I could really picture and feel the things that are going on. If things were more TANGIBLE in my brain, rather than always merely conceptual highly abstracted ideas.

Kind of like, it's probably easier to get over the death of a pet or something, if after not seeing them for an hour you already don't remember what they looked like (beyond just a vague fact list of traits), and you have no vivid memories or mental reminders of them (beyond just factual information stores). COGNTIVIELY you can appreciate the idea of their absence, of course, you still miss them, but there's just no remaining visceral sensory ties. A very "out of sight, out of mind" sort of thing in terms of attachments, memories, emotions, etc. Maybe certain things are easier to "get over", when you're not having constant mental sensory reminders that occasionally rekindle your feelings about the event or etc.??

(like for example, maybe someone could remain angry about an argument longer if they could vividly replay it in their head over and over again. VS just like.. 'Yes I can factually recall the fact I had an argument, and I do have knowledge stored about what precisely was said, but any sort of sensory data such as sights/smells/feelings, etc. from the actual moment of the event are long gone and can never be conjured again in my mind." etc.)

Which again, I think lessened emotional permanence and image permanence in the mind are NOT inherently linked, can all be caused by different things for different people. And, since I can't visualize anything in my head, maybe I'm misunderstanding how it happens and the effect it may have on stuff like remembering things you miss or replaying arguments, etc. etc. But it's still a little interesting to think about, if they could influence each other to some degree.... :0c --

Lastly, It's also weird because I'm actually pretty good at estimating distance and spaces? I can quickly assemble furniture without an instruction manual, pretty easily have a concept of how much space a chair may take up in a room, how two mechanical parts might fit together - BUT, I am literally not actually visualizing anything. I cannot see 3D objects in my mind at ALL. It's like.. just based on the pure List Of Facts About Things Which I Have Observed.. I can intuitively go "oh this works like this/this is this size" just because.. I know it's that size. I don't have to see anything to know..?

But then on the other hand, I'm terrible at directions without a map (I guess because a 3d outdoor environment has WAY more complexity than like.. "Will this square fit into another square?"etc. lol ).

BUT, I also draw/sculpt/etc. entirely without references, and seem to do mostly okay at that..? Like.. I can't even remember the last time I actually used a reference or looked at anything whilst drawing. It's all muscle memory, and me just adjusting as I go until something "looks right" on paper, I never have a set image in my head (or external reference) before hand.. Hrmm....

AND.. I used to say that I had a photographic memory when I was younger, which I know NOW is not true (I always thought it was just an expression, not that people could literally see things in a photographic way). But what I was describing is, I do often associate information with imagery, just... without imagery....

Like "Oh, I know that I took my medicine earlier today because I have a distinct memory, a snapshot of a moment in time, of me rattling the pill bottle in my hands as I looked up at a stop sign while in the back seat of a car". When I say this, I can't ACTUALLY see/feel/hear a pill bottle, or vividly picture a stop sign, but it's more just a factual recall, of. Even though I don't see these things, I know they happened, the information of them happening (me hearing a sound and also looking at a stop sign at the same time) has been stored in my brain as a memory, a collection of linked facts. --

As for other senses, I cannot taste or feel anything in my head AT ALL.. wild that some people mention that. I mean, again, I can have a purely factual recall as if reading a textbook, knowing the information of 'X item typically has X texture, therefore I can imagine what it may be like to feel it' or 'X usually has this taste' etc. - but I can never actually experience those senses in any capacity in my mind alone. I would say audio is my strongest mental sense (maybe a 2.5 or 3 (if it were translated onto the above scale where 1 is most vivid and 5 is nothing)), then visual (4.5 at most, usually 5), and then taste and smell and such are just complete 5, absolutely nothing, I didn't even know people could experience taste or feeling just in their mind alone.. lol...

I know this is just a silly bad quality random screencap of a screencap that I found on facebook lol, BUT it's a succinct enough image to easily describe the concept in a quick/accessible way hopefully :

-

(and of course, feel free to elaborate in tags, etc.! (especially elaborating about other senses as well.. can you "hear" in your mind just as well as you can "see"? taste? etc.) It's an interesting topic to me, as someone who's like a 4.5 at MOST lol. I'm curious what option will be the most common :0c )

[iloveundertaesooomuch]

Some advice from AU Calebs!

Heck yeah I did it! Finally i finished ONE of the HUNDREDS AU crossover ideas I have in my head!! Crossovers are fun guys!! (I apologise for a bad english in advance. Writing this it a rush.)

"It's ok to ask for help." (A Reverse Of Feathers And Mud by @jess-the-vampire)

I couldn't make a crossover meme without the legend. Sorry, not sorry. He is such a sad lad but tries to stay positive and be happy for his family uydfykudsutsudskudsluds (*dies*). I have to admitt, Caleb's dad energy is too strong for me to handle without wanting a hug him. No wonder! He was THE grandpa for centuries straight without a break. At least Caleb gets his whole family together in the end. Comics with him and either Hunter and Philip or Luz and Eda make me run in cirles around the room aaaa.

"You are not a burden." (Brother's Keeper by @idoodlestuffsometimes)

Damn, you definetly created one of the darkest AU in the fandom. Each time I re-read AU related posts I scream my lungs out because it is so angsty and so great. I am genuinely scared of your Belos ngl, because.. this man didnt loose anything and he still proceeds to do all that stuff. Enconter with him has 0 survival rate.

POOR CALEB! At least in the world of memes he had an opportunity to flee the captivity twice (the bald head and the car). This man had no moment of mental rest for centuries oh my God. One of my friends wants to fight his brother personally to protec Caleb at all cost sksksk. Well, at least Hunter will always have an actually loving relative! And if the happy ending is going to be canon, I think the future looks great, especially knowing how much pain all your characters go through currently. (And I think both Caleb and Hunter would need the "you are not a burdain" affirmations. At least some form of support in their situation.)

You said in the latest ask-answer that BK!Caleb was supposed to have white streaks in his hair so I attempted to add them. Hope they look fine! Colors for the outfit I got from Belos, so they would match, I guess???

"Murder is okay." (Loose Strings by @oldmanpip)

My bro, brother, friend... Despite you being not to involved on the discord server, my brain is still rotting with your great awesome AUs. And I know you know that. Your Caleb is really loose in all sences of that word and I love that. Wonder if your AUs will ever be available to the public. Because oh boy oh boy they deserve to be recognised. (Loose Caleb is such a conservative grandpa who never did anything wrong, wdym?)

"Your feelings matter." (Pip In Time by @celestialscribbler)

Honestly? Man, your comic is the reason I got invested in Witteclaw couple at all. Even if the "Pip in time" is not their story, but you wrote their teen romance so sweetly. Those two melted my heart... I scream each time I re-read your comic for 100th time. Just WOAH my brain goes brrr! And Caleb as a character is also written really really well. I love him so much. He is such good brother but MAN HE NEEDS A BREAK FROM BEING AN ADULT! BOY! Insirt crying and heart emojis here.

(PS: hope you still care about your health!)

My thoughts:

I have been drawing this for more than a month I think? And the only reason for that is my university. I hope to actually get an ADHD diagnosis because something is clearly wrong with me. But thats not the point.

There are so many ideas in my head. Goofy and not. The only problem is that I have less and less ability to do what I want lately. I wish I could bring them all to life, but at the same I dont know if anyone will be interested. Would AU crossovers look too self-indulgent? Or nah? Idk. (Just Grimwalker-Isle already has so much potential for stupid ridiculous fun I am runnin on coffee juice.)

Litteraly my mind is plagued with different fun plots and possibilities I am going crazy. But I also have A TON of WIPs that I need to finish. Perhaps I will attempt to manage everything at once, but, no promises.

Wish me luck on my exams!

[fayedartmouth]

I always thought you were a teenager. Not a mom and you have a kid. (Hopefully she will be obx fan sometimes)I dont wanna sound rude, i mean this in nicest way hahah. I once read some wattpad story sooo good and it was a women writing it, while i thought it was a teenager. Guess the writing doesnt know age. And i love that. To see that many people cheerishing obx and writing these absolute speechless works. Thank you for your service 🫡 hahah.

When i read your stories i was always left speechless. I like how you talk more about jjs trauma and his mental health. Its hard to find those fics now. And i am always happy when you upload a new one i would spend my free time reading them

Seriously i wish you all the best, you are great.

I think as a general rule we tend to think everyone else we meet online is our age. It's just kind of an inherent bias we build into our interactions with people we can't see. Our visualization process tends to assume everyone is like us.

But no! LOL, definitely not a teenager. I am a mother of teenagers, though, if that counts for anything. I have a 16 year old son and a 13 year old daughter. The 13 year old does love OBX and does love JJ. The 16 year old does not and he thinks I'm a scrub so I guess that's fine. For Christmas, my daughter got a ton of OBX stuff and has a giant flag of Rudy Pankow in her bedroom. I kid you not, we have matching OBX sweatshirts. So at least she has good taste??

I am aware that OBX is highly geared toward teenagers, but coming of age stories are sort of timeless and I may be kind of old now but I'm not blind, lol. The actors across the board are attractive, and it's a pretty show to watch on all levels. And it hits all my buttons for found family. Or, it did. Until, you know.

But writing is ageless! In truth, I have been writing and posting fic since I myself was a teenager. I could talk about how things were back in the day -- where I shared fic on message boards, mailing lists, and half-assed Angelfire sites -- but I've been around for quite a bit of evolution of fandom, for better and worse.

While I've always written, I used to be a lot hot/cold when I was younger -- very driven by inspiration spurts and would have longer hiatuses. Now I've developed some excellent writing habits so I'm able to produce work more consistently -- something I could not have done were I still a teenager.

I hope the JJ fandom doesn't dry up completely, because that would be very sad. I will continue to do my part because I love JJ and his wellness and happiness still matter to me. The way the show dropped his storylines and abandoned his mental health development was nearly criminal. It is my current mission to rectify that if for no other reason than my own sanity. Which, for the record, is always in jeopardy.

All of which is to say, thank you! That's all very sweet of you to say and hearing feedback like that is part of what I love about fandom. I'm easily motivated by positive feedback, so the more I know people are reading, the more I want to write. I'd probably write either way, but the energy levels are higher with interaction across fandom.

I also encourage anyone who has ideas to try writing! You can be young or old -- or anything in between. Whether you're "good" at writing or entirely new -- it doesn't matter. Fandom requires people to create as much as it requires people to interact. That dynamic is what keeps things fun and engaging and meaningful for everyone, regardless of age.

[angelicpersonals]

A personal mini rant

Under the cut is just a small vent. Going through some things lately. I dont recommend having like 28 different friend groups, it sucks. My actual friends please don't read this, this is just to scream into the void at strangers.

Since I got sick like 3 or 4 weeks ago, I dont remember exact timeline anymore. My mental health plummeted faster, it was not the greatest before then and slowly deteriorating but it got worse worse worse. I have not had the support I needed from family or friends. Lets be clear I "make a lot of friends" but its mostly shallow and one sided friendships. Its "easy for me to talk to people" because I force myself to push down the crippling anxiety and I put myself out there as the butt of the joke making a fool of myself PERFORMING to be likeable. I have heard these things repeated to me by 8 different people the last 3 days alone when I was trying to get emotional support for my depression and loneliness. As for those 3 or 4 weeks. I had to be strong and supportive to everyone around me constantly during it even while sick I'd pop online and was helping people in DMs. A few people cared about my physical health. But mental? even fewer. Everyone thinks I have tons of friends that im beloved and have a huge strong support network. I dont. my "support" network consists of a "Well shit that sucks im sorry. So anyways about me-" for 99% of the people in my life. Theres the slim 1% thats actually there. Yet everyone thinks im so popular and lucky acting like I have no problems and if I do complain about problems its not as bad as everyone elses according to so many people and im selfish for even having problems. Im NOT. The "popularity" you see is because im the therapist and comedic f*cking relief. its not genuine support, its not encouragement. "but they react to your stuff with emojiis" Oh WOOOW yes, like they do everyone elses even STRANGERS. that doesnt make me special. "but they complimented xyz" oh so the occasional / rare compliment on somethings visual appeal like how HOT it is, makes it a supportive encouraging friendship that motivates and inspires me and feels good? Shallow temporary praise means NOTHING. Thats NOT friendship. I have to claw tooth and nail for anything in my life even to be included in hang outs. I have to INSERT MYSELF. Im never invited. If I leave a call 99% of the time im not missed or noticed or just get an "oh bye" yet everyone will worry over eachother when others leave saying they will miss eachother, asking if smth is wrong, etc. If I publically talk about my emotions 99% of the time it will be ignored except for the rare person like K, S and R. R who went pep talking EVERYONE one day. K & S who has been there every time I vent publically in my own server. If I vent in private it gets brushed over like "Shit I feel that way too, sucks for you" or worse I've gotten "you're so selfish" lately when I have said I didn't want to play a damn VIDEO GAME because I am mentally unwell. I will drop everything im doing and go through everything step by step with people pull out all my experiences to try to offer advice or support trying to find the right words to say taking it serious EVERY TIME. Does that sound like a fair equal friendship? When im supporting everyone elses emotions, mental health, dreams, art, writing, etc and I recieve 1% of that same energy back? Dont come @ me with how lucky I am says I get everything in life when I get ONE GOOD THING, I hear it EVERY time where as for me its a REPRIEVE from all the shitty things a RARE reprieve. I have heard this from too many people the past few days. Being in 25k debt as a household isnt lucky Getting to see 10 - 20$ of my 100$ a month isn't lucky. Getting 1k a YEAR isn't lucky Having breaking down old shit being unable to repair, afford to repair or afford to replace any of it, isn't lucky. Having to put in so much effort and energy into everything all the time in every aspect of my life even my family relationships, with no to miniscule and rare return, isn't lucky. Having constant disabilities and chronic illnesses / inherited illnesses fucking me up every single day and struggling through them isn't lucky. Im tired of feeling invalidated and minimized and having my pain ignored. Sincerely Fuck you K#2. A, P, R.

[bosspigeon]

Stories I Want To Write

i was tagged by @omgkalyppso and i’ve been wanting to get back into writing for a while now, but it’s been real hard because my mental health is in the terlet~ so here’s stuff i’m workin on atm or want to work on

1. My vaguely planned novel that pretty much only has Main Characters and a vague plot at this point that involves a Dragon Dad and his terrible adopted merc son

2. The Widomauk fic my friend commissioned from me like a billion years ago. Thankfully, that friend has not Hunted Me For Sport.... yet. It’s like??? almost 5000 words at this point. they still haven’t boned. rip me.

3. A cutesy/fun flashback to the time my gunslinger, Brahm, went to a fancy ball with his late husband, and he let his husband dress him up in a “disguise” so he wouldn’t be anxious in that sort of environment. I’ve started it, but it’s not much more than the two of them being schmoopy idiots.

4. Brahm having (potentially???) naughty~ dreams about his current flame... again, another thing i’ve only done intro for?

5. Some Pyre/Astarion stuff to fill the void of the fact that i can’t afford the game, and even if i could, the chances of being able to play it on my 5 year old laptop are slim. I’ve got a few ideas. One is a rewrite of the feeding scene, and the other is just. Smut. it’s cold out here, y’all.

6. Plans for the end of Arc 2 of my homebrew campaign (on hiatus while I fish myself out of the terlet) which includes a whole ass dungeon 😵

7. Some personal stuff wrt two of the NPCs from my campaign Bein Gay~

8. A separate novel with urban fantasy elements so i can repurpose a Fandom OC who deserves so much more than the world he was initially born into, but that would require so much work hfakjhdkjh

uuuuugh i could keep going on and on. i start a new google doc like every other day that kind just sits in limbo for a while, but eeeeeehhhhh. Anyway! on to tagging? idk how many people i should tag?

iiii guess @petootnureyev @anonbea @proustianrecall @kurgy hhhhh and tbf any of y’all that want to do it, i guess? idk im bad at singling people out hfdkjsahg

[nekrikosmoved]

Me: Man I really should do this stuff I’ve been saying I would do. Brain: Don’t force yourself to do things you don’t feel like doing... Me: Yeah, yeah. You’re right, I shouldn’t-- Brain: --because its not like anyone cares about you or what you do anyway! Me: That’s... not where I thought you were going with that, but okay.

[buddhasfanficdictatorship]

Been a long time; Going forward

I know it’s been forever since I updated any of my fics, and I’m real sorry for that. I hold a lot of guilt over my disappearance and my constant broken promises and excuses. I haven’t made any progress reports here, because the only stuff I’ve accomplished is a lot of half finished chapters, so no real progress to report. I just wanna give a belated update on where I’m at, both with fics and in life. (if you dont care about my boring life story, you can skip down to the next bold part where I talk about whats going on with my fanfics. lol) I haven’t been resting and relaxing like I said I wanted to in all my previous updates. My Hiatus hasn’t been productive. I only manged to write pieces here and there. To be honest, I’m exhausted, burnt out, and more depressed than I’ve ever been. I wanted to step away from writing to collect myself, to try and regain some passion. Instead, my life became even more chaotic and my ability to write even less focused. The last few years have been hard, even putting aside the pandemic. My mother had a stroke (along with a bunch of other health issues) so I’ve had to become a full time caretaker for her, and I have no support from anyone to help. My family treats me either like a servant or like dirt, and I don’t have any friends anymore either, so I don’t even have anyone to talk to about all this. My computer fell off my desk and broke, and my cellphone decided to randomly crap out too. Which is disappointing because I had notes for fics on those that weren’t backed up. My pet bird died suddenly and very early (she was only 2, and they can live to be 15) because my neighbors were screaming at each other in the middle of night, which scared her and caused her to fall and break her leg, and she died of shock. And most of all, once again I am cursed with horrible neighbors. I was optimistic and happy once the last shitbags were kicked out. Only for them to be replaced with NEW jackasses doing all the same crap within a few months. Blaring music, screaming at each other day and night. I’ve done everything I’m supposed to; bought earplugs, called the police, told the manager, still can’t afford a better place. All I want is to be able to sleep a bit at 2AM without hearing people even through earplugs screaming at each other for 10 hours straight. These people ambushed and threatened my sick, elderly mother after she was returning from a doctors appointment and threatened her after we DARED to complain about their nightly screaming matches that last all through the night. It’s a constant barrage of noise and stress. I haven’t slept a full night in a year now. I’m beyond tired. My bloodpressure is skyrocketing and my doctor tells me I’m headed for a heart attack at this rate. I’ve been hospitalized twice now for mental health crisis reasons. I don’t know what else to do at this point. I’m falling apart from anxiety and exhaustion and depression, and the most I can get from doctors and therapists when I’ve tried to get help is telling me I need to relax more and stuff like that. I feel so trapped and helpless.

So what does this mean for my fanfics?

I honestly don’t know anymore.

It’s not that I lack ideas. I’ve actually had a TON of thoughts, I’ve made a bunch of notes and wanted to write a lot of new things! There’s been many ideas I’ve wanted to post and I’d LOVE the chance to get back to writing for real. But I don’t have enough sleep, enough quiet, enough energy. I’m just too stressed, too depressed, too overwhelmed to make much progress. I’ve been able to do bits and pieces of writing here and there, but that’s it, and I’m never able to finish anything since my brain is too worn down to think properly having to take care of my mother and listen to constant yelling from my neighbors as I do everything she requires.

I’ve been thinking about maybe doing paid commissions and opening a Patreon to see if I could collect enough to move someplace in a less crappy neighborhood, or at least try and move my mother into a care facility or even just hire a nurse to help me out sometimes. Not having anyone assist me to take care of her even for a couple hours is killing me, and its been two years since her stroke that I’ve had to do this, she needs more and more help all the time and I’m only one person, I can only do so much. But I’m reluctant to start asking for money, considering I can’t promise I could keep up a constant stream of quality, lengthy content that would be required under my conditions. I’m uncomfortable with the idea of taking cash and not being able to promise things would be done quickly and of high quality. That’s not even mentioning I have a fear that even if I started taking commissions, I still wouldn’t be able to make enough to make a difference in my life because demand would be so low because of all my long hiatuses and people lost interest. I just don’t know anymore. I need to be honest and stop making up excuses or breaking promises for future updates that never come because I end up caught between other people’s Jerry Springer screaming day and night and having to be a full time caretaker. I don’t want to string people along, especially since readers have shown me such support and understanding. At the rate things are going, I’m not sure when or even IF I’ll be able to make a full return to writing. I don’t WANT to give it up for good, I still have lots of ideas I’d like to share and it’s always been something I’ve enjoyed. But I want to be realistic, and not keep people waiting for my life to get less chaotic, when I know it won’t any time soon. I’m tired, I’m depressed, I’m exhausted, and I just don’t know if I have it in me anymore. Thank you for the readership, the positivity, the understanding.

[creacherkeeper]

LOVR ur aelwyn and the bad kids series and can’t wait to see what you’ve got planned for the other three bad kids!! got any headcanons in general about them?

thank you so much!!!! <3 <3 ive REALLY enjoyed writing the series so far, and the comments and encouragement has been so lovely ;; fantasy high fandom my beloved <3

*slaps head* this babey can fit so much headcanons in it

okay ive talked about this with a few people but i totally think season 3 will have a siblings motif. we already know a few characters who are NOT only children (fabian, ayda) which hasn’t been explored, and have some characters who also have the potential to not be only children (they called fig ‘first born daughter’ in hell?? weird choice of wording for an only child) (also either set of gorgug’s parents could have more kids - adopted or bio). and i’d just really like to see more of kristen’s brothers and OF COURSE adaine and aelwyn. riz just has such strong only child vibes im sorry i dont see that changing

i REALLY HOPE we meet fabian’s siblings but my PERSONAL headcanon for them is that he has an older sister who is like. SUPER COOL and badass and can kick his ass in a second flat and literally everyone is in love with her. and also an older brother who lives in bastion city who is a completely normal and extremely boring accountant

(also fabian’s cool older sister and aelwyn become friends ok thx)

so adaine definitely has the potential to be a very physical person (like even early early s1 she’s throwing spells, punching, The Ladle) but obviously was raised in an environment where she was expected to be very self contained. i think as she gets used to mordred manor and living with jawbone and tracker and ragh especially, she gets VERY about physical affection. like, okay, one, the child is touch starved we all know this. but i think she goes from awkward fistbumps and pats on the shoulder to like. BIG bear hugs, hair ruffling, people sitting on her lap, etc etc pretty quickly. like just embracing that physicality she has in a positive way

also jawbone and tracker (in a safe way, we know they take measures to not spread lycanthropy) totally bite as affection. and adaine picks up on it and one day just sort of chomps aelwyn’s arm a little bit and aelwyn is like. hey. so what the hell was that. and adaine was like it was affection it means i love you. and aelwyn is just like. literally what the fuck is up with this house.

ALL the bad kids have trauma For Sure but (as i hinted at in the first fic) fabian definitely has ptsd from leviathan. i think his presents as less emotional stuff and more as like. a ton of hypervigilance and irritability/snappishness when he’s triggered

okay i could literally write an essay on all the bad kids mental stuff and neurodivergence and everything but 1) kristen is just a unit of cPTSD with freckles 2) adaine and aelwyn have the SUPER WEIRD combo of adaine being the externalizer and aelwyn being an internalizer and i think that’s the thing that like. yes DID fuck up aelwyn for a long time but ultimately is what saved both of them. like i believe very strongly that if this tendency had been flipped they’d both be completely screwed

okay speaking of aelwyn 1) claustrophobia now right?? like we can all agree on that ?? 2) this is NOT just me projecting (yes it is) but i think aelwyn has chronic pain/fatigue for a good while after s2. like you cant spend almost a YEAR at five levels of exhaustion doing one extremely restricted repetitive motion and not like ???? completely fuck up your body??? like yes she and fabian totally swordfight and duel and stuff but also i think it takes a WHILE before she can do any physical activity without getting completely wiped out. because spells do seem to take SOME level of energy or whatever from you (spell slots, otherwise you could just do them all the time) i think this probably includes spells

gorgug is like. extremely good with kids. toddlers especially. he talks to them like they can totally understand everything (great for development!) and is just very patient and kind and good but also does not mind being used as a jungle gym and WILL throw a child into a beanbag chair for two hours straight (ALSO great for development!). fabian also thinks babies are the cutest things on the planet but will NOT admit that so he mostly tags along when gorgug babysits because he’s “just SO bored he CANT find anything better to do UGH” and secretly is like. babies <3

let aelwyn MULTICLASS!!!! paladin and barbarian are my faves for her

i know this is a common hc but like. all the bad kids share clothes. for sure. literally the bugs bunny OUR closet meme

kristen has a total green thumb she’s GREAT with plants and tracker is just like <3 its because youre a lesbian <3 even though tracker will totally kill any plant she comes in contact with by accident

kristen and tracker are the academy’s GSA moms. theyll be like “hello my child” and the other kid will be like im four months older than you??? and theyre like “that does not matter <3″

adaine and aelwyn were DEF forced into like. piano and violin lessons growing up but when fig finds out shes VERY EXCITED they can play together and like. does piano and violin and bass sound good together?? dont worry about it. its the first time playing music is actually fun for the two of them

ayda, after more research and understanding, is totally the type of person who’d walk up to someone in the grocery store and be like “hello i believe you are autistic like me let me explain what that is” and fig is like. babe. babe. we were just here for fruit snacks. babe.

okay i will stop here for now because i super need to shower but also if people wanted more/specific headcanons i might be .....,, persuaded ...

[kendrixtermina]

Things I admire about other enneagram types (from a 5 perspective)

6: You have this switch you can throw where you can just act confident in dire situations. I know from what you tell me it feels awful on the inside but it’s still useful. I can’t do that unless I’m actually confident about something. Some of you also have excellent BS detectors & think of checking things that wouldn’t occur to me. ive learned so much from you guys im jully that your ideas are so much more practical on average

3: You somehow bring the joys of practical problem solving approach into the social/interpersonal realm & somehow solve things that I wouldn’t consider solveable. There’s something rly valuable to being ‘a positive realist’.

8: How are you so concise? You’re so good at saying things in a clear, impactful manner! (compared to us rambly head types at least)

It’s a somewhat rare type & I don’t know many people, so I don’t know anyone IRL in depht, but at least for the more self-aware examples, many that I’ve seen in internet videos etc. also strike me as pretty likeable, especially in that straightforwardness & the way they admit to their stuff and like... actually say things out loud that’s just instantly interesting. 

1: Some 1s are not chill, but the ones that are are very chill indeed. Very impressive. The cool & unique thing about your way of thinking is how you’re objective but positivistic (without an overly positive focus) - my way of thinking is more negativistic, I see holes, things that are not there etc. novel visions happen but it’s hard to synthethize them on purpose. You guys tho? You see what IS there & concrete visions for what can be done to fix stuff. 

Something that I find fascinating is how we’re both running optimization algorithms but yours is maximizing (looking for the most results for a fixed expense)  while mine is minimizing. (looking to get a fixed results with least uneccesary variables)

7: So many cool ideas! Actually way more competent & dilligent than ppl assume especially if older & wiser. Ppl underappreciate how much this is very much a mental type. Please, do keep talking interesting stuff to me im listening * big shiny owl eyes *

 Also have the advantage of usually having tons of other friends to have fun with when I don’t feel like extroverting right now so i dont feel so bad if i cant make it all the time. 

9: Maybe you think ppl don’t want to hear about your vast imagination but I for once think it’s super cool. No pressure to share though, not making a big deal about it just makes you mysterious. When you do tell me your thoughts, i can rest assured in the knowledge that im a special level 10 friend. ^-^

Also you can be so likeable & funny & ppl really listen to you? Like I’ve noticed myself that sometimes I’d be all angry & worked up into some complicated idea about why I’m right and the other person is terrible,  and then this 9 dude who’d just been listening on the sidelines so far would say something super disarming that just cut through all my BS rationalisations, and soon after there was just no more argument & I really changed my actions long-term??  

4: Ppl don’t sufficiently appreciate how badass you can be, esp when you know what you want

Over the years I had several 4 friends who were just, like, me but cooler, if I had the energy & comitment for this sort of consummate defiance against The Machine every day. One had picked up some old mannequins & made a decoration for her room out of it & that was such a power move? & she knew all these obscure art films... I wish I’d stayed in touch with them more.  

2: i would prolly write more here if i knew more 2s in-depht; Even so I must commend how you notice & remember so much stuff about ppl? 

For all that I think that conventions like social obligations gifts & holidays are often forced BS, I’m impressed with how much love you can put into that. It doesn’t feel like BS coming from you. 

5: Now I don’t know that many in-depht, but from my own, possibly biased PoV I’ve perceived the few other ones I’ve actually got to know as refreshingly uncomplicated & accepting (even if they seem picky at first), but also way more passionate than you’d think on first glance. You should see them in their element, if you have the opportunity. The sorts of ppl whose eyes sparkle for the beauty in forgotten places. 

IDK if others would also describe me this way as well. One does try. 

[aries-writes-shit]

I'm gonna be completely honest here; Likely going to info dump/ramble excessively, high possibility of it including personal issues, fair warning.

To put it as simply as I can:

Romantic or platonic is fine

I am demi-pan(or omni)romantic, not looking to have biological kids for personal reasons also honestly I don't know how much gender would affect my attraction. I just find people pretty and am vibin. Usually I just say I am of the ace/bi spectrum.

I identify as female, going by she/they, gender neutral pronouns I just think should be normalized as a default when you don't explicitly know and even then be respectful.

I've driven myself into excessive isolation leading to being easily overwhelmed even if it's given certain tasks as I am forgetful and need explicit instructions as I believe I'm a visual learner but to be more specific things need to be explicitly spelled out for me a majority of the time. It's often a tedious process as well as me getting overwhelmed when put on the spot even if it's saying what I want to eat or even retrieving the food myself even in my own home.

But I need excessive time in retreating to isolation which consists me usually pacing around the kitchen, specific I know but even in other environments like hotels I often pace the kitchen space even if it's very small, and indulging myself in maladaptive daydreaming fueled by music to which I normally speak/mumble out loud, do random stuff with my hands animatedly which I don't always do when actually indulging in conversation with others, or just dancing late at night with my highly inconsistent and likely unhealthy sleep schedule of which I am nocturnal at this point. I do also sing a bit though I need another voice to go off of in feeling more comfortable in harmonizing with others.

I find interest in psychological subjects which I love to share with others if I hopefully am no bother so it's a mutually exchanged topic others can indulge in as well. Also I am a sucker for depth in stories tied to characters, development, details no matter if it's very small or if it is significant to the story or it's characters themselves.

I also am iffy about exchange of material items, though I do love specific silverware, cups, trays, the occasional jewelry (I favor rings or bracelets I guess? Necklaces sorta) if it means something to a close individual, and other small trinkets for me to admire or put to use.

My love language is quality time but what I love most is unapologetic, unfiltered, mutual conversation. With my tendency to overshare a lot of things despite my insecurities and hesitance I don't just want a listener. I want them to be invested as well. I myself do often put myself in the listener role though and am referred to as one's local counselor sometimes.

Very much radiating the burnt out gifted kid and mommy/daddy issues vibe because I've had enough trauma and damaged self worth from it but it's mostly inflicted upon myself rather than from others or in being inthe bystander/observing role or in being neglected. I grew up praised and spoiled really, even now referred to as such in my family, but in the present it overwhelms me and if anything I'd rather not do anything for others and them do nothing for me and in dismissing my existence.

Honestly I've developed a toxic mentality against myself, even being aggressive in trying to validate or dismiss issues involving myself alone.

I've made progress including ditching a habit of mine I've had all my life through sheer power of will and have stopped excessively apologizing for laughing as I find it annoying to some extent, though not as much anymore which is good. Though I will apologize for laughing when by myself and when breaking down in tears I end up having a personal therapy session in uncertainty about turning to someone else even though I am very open about my issues. I have no problem sharing information, I just overthink how it's recieved or if it's dismissed and insignificant so why try? Of course I'm also a hypocrite and validate others, trying to do so for myself gradually though it can be hard and becomes an aggressive battle mentally.

But yeah I usually put myself in the supporting role for others including friends and family even though I myself am the youngest to some extent.

I try to encourage a space of comfort and validation for others and as emotionally assertive or reassuring/validating I can be, often turning heartfelt though significantly more blunt and assertive, I also have crackhead energy sometimes to be honest. Often with strange mental conversations or comments spewing out, a significant questioning being related to society. People confuse, frighten, or entertain me a majority of the time.

Anyways yeah to put it simply (and sorry to go on a long tangent and apologies if I contradicted myself or if I sounded repetitive);

Chaotic individual of the ace/bi spectrum that is highly emotional with abandonment issues, familial trauma, high insecurities related to my mere existence, and I obviously ramble a l o t.

A (not so) few other details; compared to some of the giants I am a small marshmallow (not too fluffy but kinda-) standing at around 5'2" with an internal inferno of emotions I currently withhold inside me and instead giggling excessively or spilling tears when I get emotional. Or aggressively cussing but that's usually by myself, but I am a bit clumsy and forgetful overall. Also my sleep schedule is a total mess of which I may have previously mentioned and I have significant words and phrases taking up the majority of my vocabulary I put to use in writing or conversing. Also I can get significantly fired up about topics related to terrible parenting, terrible people in general, unnecessary gendered stereotypes and objects for no reason what so ever, and in validating others. Also I am a forgetful mess as I've stated I believe two other times. I can forget a topic entirely midsentence or go on tangents about unrelated topics while having originally interrupted myself. Also last minute note/s, I wear glasses and often joke about being blind as hell and needing my access to sight. And regarding what I wear I typically avoid branded material cuz of my unreasonable insecurities, and I go for more subtle things of black/blue but I do have other options. I just mainly go for subtle/reserved in appearance that's comfortable for me and I typically wear jeans and just- sneakers or crocs for the indoors. Also I can imagine the slight possibility of me snagging tops from my partner if they didn't mind, an example of me wearing other's things typically being my dad's shirts on occasion and the rare item of my mom's originally or my older sister.

Yep definitely went off, sorry if this is overwhelming or if it includes a ton of unnecessary details :')

Don't stress yourself especially at my expense please—

Sorry it took so long, heres your match!

C!Philza

Oh no, look the old man adopted another kid /s

This man raised two boys on his own, hes so ready to help you if you become overwhelmed

Learns what you order so you dont have to talk to the cashier if you dont want to

If you need to pace, he will step back and let you do your thing

Checking in occasionally to make sure your alright

Will definitely try and make you have a healthy sleep schedule

Will definitely listen to you rant about any topic you start to rant about

Its healthy to get things like that off your chest

[hyunllx]

Members of Stray Kids as Critical Role Characters

This post is INCREDIBLY niche but I need to get it out of my brain so here it is

Chan as Fjord

Best Leaders (but doesnt think they deserve that title)

Ocean boys

Two distinct accents

Anti-toxic masculinity

Occasional himbo energy

Self Deprecation Is A Personality Trait

Really just needs a day off

Feels as though their groups saved them

Everyone roasts them constantly but respects them enough to follow their lead when it’s necessary

Cares an overwhelming amount about their group members. Goes out of their way to make sure everyone is physically and emotionally safe and healthy.

Minho as Vax

Emo and broody boys

But in a very sexy way

Dark sense of humor

Absolutely holds a grudge

Loves animals more than people

REFLEXES AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT

Pretends like they dont care about anything but actually cares so much

Pranks and teasing and rough housing to show their love

Also tons of little acts of service

Changbin as Yasha

BUFF

Dark/goth aesthetic

Very intimidating on the outside

But really really big softies

Loves cute things and cute people

So musically gifted. Write and create music from the heart.

Long struggle with mental health and loneliness

Good listeners. Genuinely just wants to be the emotional support for the people they love

Loves deeply and unconditionally

Hyunjin as Caduceus

Okay hear me out on this one

My first thought was Tary but other than the vanity of it all i couldnt think of any more lol

Tallest boys of the group

Long pink hair

Dramatic

Good cooks

Not the oldest or the leader but still takes care of the members as if they were.

Loves a great pun

Merciless prankster when it comes to their siblings. Annoying little brother type stuff.

Very wise despite their young age

Incredibly great listeners. Tries to give advice even if they’ve never experienced the situation before.

Religious boys. Prays for people to show how much they care about them and their situation.

Jisung as Scanlan

Cocky bastards

But everyone loves them anyway

Pretends they’re self-assured but are actually anxious and sensitive

Genuine lyrical geniuses. Freestyle kings.

Will make you laugh and cry in the same breath

Incredibly sentimental

Loves to make people laugh even at their own expense

Deep down really just wants people to love them

Felix as Jester

ACTUAL SUNSHINE

The heart of the group

Baked goods

Fae prince/princess

Cuddles and cute charms

Makes literally everyone they meet fall in love with them

The other group members especially

Seriously everyone would die to protect them and/or make them smile

Memelords

Have the foulest mouths and dirtiest minds of the group

Jokes constantly to cover up their sensitive hearts

Seungmin as Percy

Incredibly smart and diligent boys

Very savage

Tsundere

Genuinely did not sign up for this shit

Quiet but when they speak its either incredibly eloquent or sharp and witty

Unintentionally funny

Will insult their loved ones at every given opportunity

Will say they hate someone while smiling and hugging them

Deep deep deep down is actually really sentimental and soft for the people they care about

Jeongin as Keyleth

The babies

Notoriously clumsy

Secretly super fucking strong

Even though they look like an innocent angel

Lovingly teased by the other group members constantly

Always striving to reach their full potential no matter what

Will actually fuck you up if you manage to upset them

But most of the time are just happy and innocent

Everyone protects them at all costs

[fangirlinginleatherboots]

i am actually going to be pretentious and braggy for a minute because i do in fact know that im smart and theres a story about that:

the funniest thing about when people think im stupid or fake deep is like. the story of my level of documented brain function is hilarious. like i used to be SHOCKINGLY quick and advanced and was even being set up to be some sort of academic writing prodigy and then i got a shit ton of head injuries that when untreated for years and i spiraled horribly. pre injury i could analyze like you wouldnt believe. i had teachers who actively tried to get involved in my time just to control which direction i would put my academic energy. but the injuries hit hard. i was still smart enough that i was able to document clear drops in mental functioning. like i literally presented doctors with coherent evidence of reduced brain function. despite proposing theories of head injuries and tumors to multiple doctors, i was brushed off.

aaaand i almost died for other reasons and it became clear that something was REALLY WRONG and they started testing me in all sorts of categories. Including IQ tests (and before you buy into that idea that IQ tests dont mean anything, thats not true. they dont mean a lot in academia, but they’re used for tracking and documenting mental functioning for diagnostic purposes. ive had to take 3 just to get my disability documented for government stuff, so they do in fact have a function and meaning). and i was off the charts even post injury, with documented drops related to the injury. often they didnt want to tell me the number because they didnt feel the test accurately reflected my analytical intelligence because i would elaborate on answers beyond what the testing was asking for. the number isnt really the point im making tho. ive seen tens of doctors and people who’s job is literally to assess ppl’s intelligence. i have DATA whether or not i want it. im regularly told by psychs that im too smart for my own good and its interfering with my ability to communicate and even recover from my own shit because im able to analyze it too many layers down before processing the emotional information.

anyway what im getting at is scientifically speaking im not stupid, i know im not stupid. so when people act like im spouting bullshit its really funny bc anyone who knows me irl knows im a charismatic, brilliant bitch, and thats post IQ drop. if you want to insult me and actually get to me, unfortunately targeting my well documented intellect will not get you very far, dipshit

[greymuse]

Witchy QnA

1. Are you solitary or in a coven?

Solitary!

2. Do you consider yourself Wiccan, Pagan, witch, or other?

Witch, or Enchantress if I wanna sound fancy

3. What is your zodiac sign?

Leo sun, Aquarius moon, Leo rising

4. Do you have a Patron God/dess?

Nope

5. Do you work with a Pantheon?

Nope

6. Do you use tarot, palmistry, or any other kind of divination?

Tarot sometimes

7. What are some of your favorite herbs to use in your practice? (if any)

Im just starting to get into more physical items. I was raised to do most things mentally.

8. How would you define your craft?

Im not sure? Green but a lil eclectic

9. Do you curse? If not, do you accept others who do?

I dont think of it as cursing. More so protection from certain people.

10. How long have you been practicing?

I found out about what I was already doing as being Witchcraft a couple months ago. But Ive been using Tarot, using kitchen Witch spells, as “prayers” as spells since I can remember

11. Do you currently or have you ever had any familiars?

Nope. I hope to have one soon though

12. Do you believe in Karma or
Reincarnation?

Absolutely believe in karma. Reincarnation, possibly. Its definitely something I think about

13. Do you have a magical name?

Nope.

14. Are you “out of the broom closet”?

My whole moms side practices casually, so I mean I guess? But I havent referred to  myself as a Witch or something like that.

15. What was the last spell you performed?

I enchanted a ring I got. Also, a money spell that worked but uhh its definitely showing me that I need to work harder.

16. Would you consider yourself knowledgeable?

Im pretty decent. Most of what I look up is common knowledge to me

17. Do you write your own spells?

I havent yet, but I also dont do many spells verbally. I more so visually manifest

18. Do you have a book of shadows? If so, how is it written and/or set up?

I do, Its just a plain lil notebook, I have just some basic reference sheet type things in it.

19. Do you worship nature?

Absolutely

20. What is your favorite gemstone?

rose quartz. or tigers eye

21. Do you use feathers, claws, fur, pelt, skeletons/bones, or any other animal body part for magical work?

I dont particularly enjoy using animal/ human materials. I use natural things, like dirt and water.

  22. Do you have an altar?

Not so much a physical Altar, but my bed is definitely my safe space and I can clear my mind here the easiest.

23. What is your preferred element?

Water, but fire always make me wide eyed and curious. definitely curious. but its destructive potential scares me.

24. Do you consider yourself an Alchemist?

Not art all haha

25. Are you any other type of magical practitioner besides a witch?

Im not sure!

26. What got you interested in witchcraft?

realizing that I had been practicing for my whole life and I hadnt known before

27. Have you ever performed a spell or ritual with the company of anyone who was not a witch?

yeah, with my mom and her mom. I just didnt know at the time. We do protection spells often.

28. Have you ever used ouija?

yup! with my mom and her mom. Its just a family thing we do every time we all get together. I grew up thinking it was completely normal.

29. Do you consider yourself a psychic?

My mom says I used to be. I used to dream about natural disasters before they happened as a kid. I dont think im too good anymore. just empathetic.

30. Do you have a spirit guide? If so, what is it?

I dont think I do. If anything, I do feel a feminine energy? dark (like a shadow, not negative) and watery is the best way I can describe it. But its not a human  entity. Just energy.

31. What is something you wish someone had told you when you first started?

That not everyone believes what you do. And its totally okay! Just maybe dont loudly announce your Ouija board antics with your science teacher in middle school.

32. Do you celebrate the Sabbats? If so which one is your favorite?

I havent before, but im going to try to this year

33. Would you ever teach witchcraft to your children?

Absolutely. I want my son to grow up the same way I did around magick. Itll be normal for him.

34. Do you meditate?

Sometimes! its definitely something im trying to do more often.

35. What is your favorite season?

Fall and Spring! Theres so much change

36. What is your favorite type of magick to preform?

Im not sure yet! Ive only just started branching out and actually considering what ive been doing all my life as magick.

37. How do you incorporate your spirituality into your daily life?

Daily affirmations/ protection spells, I manifest me and my sons happiness and safety every day.

38. What is your favorite witchy movie?

I dont think Ive seen any haha

39. What is your favorite witchy book, both fiction and non-fiction. Why?

The Darkest Powers books by Kelly Armstrong. More supernatural (vampires, werewolves, stuff like that) but I loved it growing up.

40. What is the first spell you ever preformed? Successful or not.

Knowingly, a protection spell from someone who had hurt me

41. What’s the craziest witchcraft-related thing that’s happened to you?

Im not sure! I can see auras if i really focus and can tune into someone, so maybe when i saw a family member with a pure black aura? That was freaky

42. What is your favourite type of candle to use?

I dont use candles! Bonfires or fires in fireplaces usually, to burn a paper if needed. Again, I dont  trust myself with fire very much.

43. What is your favorite witchy tool?

My crystals and my tarot. They all have vibrations. Everything does but especially those, because im so connected to them

44. Do you or have you ever made your own witchy tools?

I want to!  Havent yet

45. Have you ever worked with any magical creatures such as the fea or spirits?

Spirits, yes. I can call on family that Ive known in person for protection. Been doing that as long as i can remember

46. Do you practice color magic?

I used to! i dont really anymore. 

47. Do you or have you ever had a witchy teacher or mentor of any kind?

My mom, aunt, and grandma! 

48. What is your preferred way of shopping for witchcraft supplies?

Dollar store, thrift store, antique stores (though im always hesitant to use something that belonged to someone else. If there isnt a close emotional attachment, there wont be any noticeable vibrations.

49. Do you believe in predestination or fate?

I think theres a general way that things can happen. More like a decide your fate book. There are multiple options, it just depends on what you choose.

50. What do you do to reconnect when you are feeling out of touch with your practice?

Meditate, or go to the lake.

51. Have you ever had any supernatural experiences?

ohhhh boy. I got stories.

52. What is your biggest witchy pet peeve?

People thinking theyre better bc they have a crap ton of materials, thinking im less than because I visualize easier than with material items.

53. Do you like incense? If so what’s your favorite scent?

I do, I just cant very often. I have a child and very smell sensitive people livingg with me

54. Do you keep a dream journal of any kind?

I rarely ever remember a dream, so no

55. What has been your biggest witchcraft disaster?

Im not sure ive had one yet

56. What has been your biggest witchcraft success?

I havent seen who i dont want to see since protecting myself

57. What in your practice do you do that you may feel silly or embarrassed about?

 Everything, haha. I think thats why I enjoy visualizing instead of rituals or verbal stuff.

58. Do you believe that you can be an atheist, Christian, Muslim or some other faith and still be a witch too?

Absolutely!

59. Do you ever feel insecure, unsure or even scared of spell work?

yes, I feel like it //can be// kinda like a genie in a bottle type thing. Itll work, but not without a price.

60. Do you ever hold yourself to a standard in your witchcraft that you feel you may never obtain?

Nope

61. What is something witch related that you want right now?

A cauldron to mix and burn things in haha

62. What is your rune of choice?

I dont know yet! Runes are something Im looking into

63. What is your tarot card of choice?

My birth card, the Tower.

64. Do you use essential oils? If so what is your favorite?

I love lemon and eucalyptus 

65. Have you ever taken any kind of witchcraft or pagan courses?

nope!

66. Do you wear pagan jewelry in public?

Nope

67. Have you ever been discriminated against because of your faith or being a witch?

No one that would feel that way knows anything about it

68. Do you read or subscribe to any pagan magazines?

nope

69. Do you think it’s important to know the history of paganism and witchcraft?

Yes. Its like knowing world history and us history, We need to learn from the past.

70. What are your favorite things about being a witch?

I feel powerful, and connected and accepted by nature.

71. What are your least favorite things about being a witch?

having to tiptoe around things around certain people

72. Do you listen to any pagan music? If so who is your favorite singer/band?

Nope! ill have to look into it

73. Do you celebrate the Esbbats? If so, how?

I havent fully figured out what i want to do for the moon cycles yet, but I definitely want to. the moon and water are so closely related

74. Do you ever work skyclad?

No, but i mean.. maybe one day?

75. Do you think witchcraft has improved your life? If so, how?

I feel like i have more control of how im able to use my emotions and feelings

76. Where do you draw inspiration from for your practice?

The energy i talked about before.. It gets more intense and stronger sometimes, and i know i need to put more time and effort into my practice

77. Do you believe in ‘fantasy’ creatures? (Unicorns, fairies, elves, gnomes, ghosts, etc)

no, but i do believe in energy. not ghosts per say but definitely energy

78. What’s your favorite sigil/symbol?

I try to make most of them myself. I have one for protection while driving that i use for me and my boyfriend a lot. And one for the safety of my son.

79. Do you use blood magick in your practice? Why or why not?

Not as of right now. I did bleed onto my tarot cards on accident though..

80. Could you ever be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t support your practice?

Theres a difference  between “doesnt understand and doesnt care to” and “fully doest support and refuses to let you practice safely”. I dont mind the first, but wouldnt stay with the second.

81. In what area or subject would you most like your craft to grow?

Reading auras, and tarot. Also just connecting with nature more

82. What’s your favorite candle scent? Do you use it in your practice?

I love fall scents! but no, i dont really use candles

83. Do you have a pre-ritual ritual? (I.e. Something you do before rituals to prepare yourself for them). If so what is it?

Meditate and protect

84. What real life witch most inspires your practice?

My mom honestly lmao. i dont think she views herself as a full witch though.And my aunt

85. What is your favorite method of communicating with deity?

I dont worship dieties. But i like to just be in natural and connect emotionally, nonverbally to this energy Im somehow connected with.

86. How do you like to organize all your witchy items and ingredients?

In this lil wooden box my mom gave me for my birthday to hold the tarot cards my grandma gave me haha.

87. Do you have any witches in your family that you know of?

my mom. aunt, and grandma. I know my grandpas grandma was a voodoo witch too.

  88. How have you created your path? What is unique about it?

I havent seen much about nonverbal, mostly mental witchcraft. So i guess  thats one unique thing.

89. Do you feel you have any natural gifts or affinities (premonitions, hearing spirits, etc.) that led you toward the craft? If so what are they?

A couple things. Feeling vibrations, the connection to nature, auras, growing up surrounded by it.

90. Do you believe you can initiate yourself or do you have to be initiated by another witch or coven?

I believe you can initiate yourself. I dont feel the need for someone elses validation is i know my connection with nature is real

91. When you first started out in your path what was the first thing or things you bought?

crystals, lmao

92. What is the most spiritual or magickal place you’ve been?

The southern oregon coast. honestly everywhere in oregon feels so alive and vibrating so heavily with energy. The water and the lush greenery is perfection.

93. What’s one piece of advice you’d give someone who is searching for their matron and patron deities?

I have no idea, I dont follow a deity

94. What techniques do you use to ‘get in the zone’ for meditation?

quiet, listen to music i like and that help calm me, slightly cool, a breeze is good. the sound of real water flowing from a lake or ocean. recordings of water dont help me. sometimes white noise if theres too much noise

95. Did visualization come easily to you or did you have to practice at it?

visualization is the easiest thing for me. ive always daydreamed so heavily that itll be like im dreaming with my eyes totally open and tracking. 

  96. Do you prefer day or night? Why?

early mornings, right as the sun is coming up.

97. What do you think is the best time and place to do spell work?

I like doing spell work before bed, when the moon is bright enough to light up what im doing

98. How did you feel when you cast your first circle? Did you stumble or did it go smoothly?

I dont know if it counts as casting a circle? but i visualize a swirling white ball of energy, starting out like a strawberry size in my hands, and every time i breath in, it gets bigger. Its a protection circle. i learned to do it at like?? 3 years old?

99. Do you believe witchcraft gets easier with time and practice?

Yup!

100. Do you believe in many gods or one God with many faces?

If i had to guess, id say multiple gods/ goddesses. one entity shouldnt have that much power imo.

101. Do you eat meat, eggs and dairy?

Ive been trying to go vegetarian, and i eat minimal eggs and dairy.

102. What is your favorite color and why?

dark, smokey colors. grey, black, dark muted purples, navy, smoky pink.

103. What is the one question you get asked most by non-practitioners or non-pagans? How do you usually respond?

I dont have many people im even slightly into that stuff, let alone a witch. So usually just “how do i cleanse my house? i think its haunted” type stuff

104. Which of your five senses would you say is your strongest?

Feel, haha, physically and emotionally.

105. What is a pagan or witchcraft rule that you preach but don’t practice?

Always properly cleanse new materials, haha

[oswednesday]

miss oleana! the plot rehaul for her is obvi making it look like shes connected or the real Big Bad, like oh she writes all his speeches and is like on your ass all the time and hes just a himbo figure head, when you beat early low level grunts theyll be like dont tell the boss i lost, she'd be soo mad! with midtiers ones being like please dont tell miss o-----!!! and high tier ones actually name dropping like miss oleana wont like this

(Did You Know her name comes from olive and not oleander? like thats a clever bit of misdirect for the english audience only unless the characters used in olive can also double as a poison pun!)

(this pkmn is like macro cosmos aesthetic/rose’s aesthetic and a shiny! he has tons cause hes mega rich duh)

(ability: contrary, moves:wring out, giga drain, dragon tail, leaf storm)

(dude the canon lore for her is wild shes the vice president AND the invented of the bands?? i guess she is in a lab coat, i think it be kind of suspicious to have  secretary also be a vice president so im going to drop that aspect of it? or maybe not, i mean, im also softening his overt tises to it, so maybe she can be straight up the president of macro cosmos with his intention for her to take the fall as Just the hapless owner, shes like the league secretary,ill decide fully for that later i do like her at the forefront of the science end tho thats fun! )

(ability: queenly majesty, moves: fell stinger, defend order, heal order, attack order)

(her actual pkmn theme is bugs!)

(ability: shell armor, moves: twineedle, quick guard, x-scissor, megahorn)

(her pkmn kind of tell the story of Her)

(i want to treat the standard form as the shiny! its like rose aesthetic)

(ability: telepathy (with an including avoiding physical attacks in single, real niche use abilities are so -_- sometimes and this makes the ability feel more formidable but gets weaker when theres More minds like more mental chatter?) moves: magic coat, infestation, protect, future sight)

(she dynamaxs this! and uses g-max gravitas of course)

(in this nuzlocke rose has her take the whole blame for like the leon thing and fires her rather public like, so shes devastated enough to help you later)

(ability: aftermath, moves: strange steam, toxic spikes, toxic, self-destruct)

(but cause shes fired like that, she isnt arrested when everything gets Known and she’s all like,,,wow,,,he saved me,,,,,)

(ability: corrosion, cross poison, gunk shot, belch, explosion)

(incidently she makes this one big as well and uses g max malodor and I CANOT BELEVIE HOW SMALL THEY MADE ITS MODEL FFDGDFDF??? like fast ignoring that, her double use completely drains the power of the tower)

(the air terrain is high altitude! fire attacks do less damage, ice attacks are boost, flying type pkmn have their speed increased while ground will have their speed decreased, or something like that!)

-----

battle 2 

(im imagining some kinda Post Game plot where you can challenge her again, but its like, chill, with an updated outfit so its more obvi shes wearing a labcoat and her colorscheme is like blue and green! maybe there’s a good ending where she works with prof magnolia and maybe opal as prof poplar as a consultant and where hop interns? finding a non-dooms day event solution to the energy problem? maybe figure away to use pkmn energy in a way thats not like super fucked up, perhaps?)

(ability: tinted lens, moves: whirl wind, poison powder, hurricane, draining kiss)

(i almost want to give it rage powder cause thats what her role is in the game a bit, if i do ill swap out draining kiss and have you fight a double with prof in training hop?)

(anyway im imaging it like, lets test out this renewable clean energy and she supersizes her butterfree!)

(ability: telepathy, moves: helping hand, ally switch,after you, reflect)

(see! shes nice now! also this pkmn is kinda build for co-op ally helping which is interesting for a mad scientist themed bug?)

(ability: battery, moves: sticky web, vise grip, charge, wild charge)

(this battle is probs taking place outside somewhere? its just as likely to think that prof m has a testing field in her labs basement or smthing)

or

(ability: contrary, moves (standard); petal blizzard, lazer focus, dual chop, leaf blade)

(moves (shiny): aromatherapy, solar blade, defog, safeguard)

(ooo sinister implications! i have an idea in Mind to give it branching endings with like interactivity? this sharing stuff im doing rn might be oversharing)

(type: fighting/bug)

(them not being bug without any like lore about them pretending to be a bug in while makes this feel like You Know Of Mario? What If!! Poke mon! and i hate that)

(ability: friend guard, moves(shiny): first impressions, heal order, no retreat, megahorn)

(ability: mold breaker, moves (standard): first impressions, attack order, no retreat, megahorn)

(this is kinda difficult cause most of her in game personality is wrapped up in working for rose, so i hope this gets across’d that shes her own person, but fell into stuff)

(if the last two were shiny an abra will be here)

(ability: unburden, moves: protect, light screen, trick room,embargo)

(if the last two were standard itll be a kadabra)

(ability: neuroforce, moves: miracle eye, psycho shift, telekinesis, future sight)

(i always felt they were like fckd up insects with the mammially stuff meant to look like withered skeletal flesh guts caccon rather than anything 1:1 animal like alakazam lacks a tail cause these two spent two gens removing them from their body, gen1 had like monster design coherency that newer gens sometimes lack and the coherency was All about those ears)

(i tried not to grab anything from mythos/plot pkmn from other gens but that kinda drives the altering pkmn for gains?)

[journalofasadperson]

journel

I had another journal before this and i typed in it. but i have no idea if i should post it because of how harsh it sounds. i say a lot of swear words so like.... 

keep reading at your own discretion

tw self-harm,death,among many other things

2:56 September 14 2019

I really want to use the machete. And no! It’s not for cutting my self you sick bastard. Like I think about it, but it doesn’t mean I will do it . I hate when people assume things and assume I don’t have self control and that I am just “crazy”. I WONT DO IT JESUS CHRIST I CAN HEAR YOUR THINKING FROM HERE :< I want to use it for fun!! Like cutting plants! (More like weeds) it’s fun clearing things out

I think mum is trying to make feel better about eating watermelon with my mouth here in Peru

Damn not remembering must suck. But then again if I lost certain memories I wouldn’t mind.

I like the country side more. Hunting would be fun as long as the ecosystem needs it. Though I still wouldn’t kill bears :< it’s too sad. Unless they really are hurting others.

Ha ha oh ya the phone has destroyed everything :, ) lmao it has completely destroyed everything. And aw yes science going ahead and further is making more corruption. Aw yaaaaa 🙄🙄🙄 this guy I swear.

At this point I have been quiet for so long. This is the quietest I have ever been. I feel very mute. If I start talking no one will listen to what I say because of age and all that bullshit.

The people are nice. Very caring :). There are just certain things we don’t agree on.

Coming back to the city - 7:29pm same day

5:28 September 21

Going to go home at midnight! I talked to the mama and she was super sad. Talking about how she is forgetting things. I wonder if that will happen to me?

8:25 in Salvador (high up in the air) sept 22

So I saw a big burly man hugging his stuff animal (dog), rippoff Justin biber, and discounted Jesus. (also a latino version of captain sparkles)

2:25 pm in US,Seattle, Oct. 25

well, hello cool area! I am back to typing on this note. Because i am still sad as fuck. Or something. I can’t tell the difference. I’m just really.fucking.tired. I want to sleep. Sometimes I wonder if I want to sleep forever... you know I can see how my past self wanted to kill myself. I know most of my friends don’t feel indifferent but you know. When you are like this you think the opposite. I feel a lot of love from my best friends though. A few people from discord. I can’t wait to go to school next week. I want to get out of this fucking hell hole. I think I’m going non verbal. Which fucking sucksSUCCCKKKKKS! But oh well. I wonder if my brother cares at all. Like I know he does. But I guess not the yelling part sense I am 17. Gee thanks bro. I hate getting yelled at. I am very sick of it. I wished I did die. But I don’t want too. I just want to not get yelled at for being “stupid” or for being a “dumbass” but hey at least grandma and Ramiro don’t yell at me. I hate this feeling. I thought the whole yelling at me and telling me she was going to hit me would be gone by now. You know?? She only hit me once. And too used yell at me all the time. That’s why I hated middle school for a period... it fucking sucked, I hated going back home. I am always anxious. Like... can I even sit??? Or something? And they tell me you are being lazy or not doing things you should be doing. I should be doing something with the house or some shit. I get it bro, maintaining a house is fucking hard. I never said it was easy. FUCK nothing is easy and I hate how they think I think it’s easy. Of course fucking not. You think I am that inept. That I don’t care? Well fucking news flash! I do. This is why I have voices in my head ladies and gentlemen and non-binary lovelies! They remind me to do things and talk to me through things. They are very helpful at times. I should have stayed depressed... Maybe then I would be oh so fucking helpful. I need to get this out. Thank god for notes in my phone. Thank god for my phone in general. I would have died earlier with out it. Getting info on what self harm is and seeking communities for comfort is great. And learning is better on here anyways. So ya, fuck you.

10:53 am Oct 26

Mum said people would leave me if I am not more considerate. Aka better :) and love me haha.

I keep having nightmares

11:23 am

I am not feeling great. I am thinking suicidal again. I don’t like it. Every time I look at mom I get nervous..... I haven’t taken my meds.

Just took them. Maybe that why I am happier. Because I blocked out all those times she has yelled at me and belittled me. I don’t like remembering that.

...footsteps scare me

But anyways! Thank god for the meds! Helps me forget some of this shit! :)

(I know that’s not good but like what else I’m I supposed to do)

I can’t to go to LA and spend the rest of my life there. I want to live with my best friends! And have fun and not get yelled at!

11:48

Forget anything I said. I am going to forget and pretend none of this ever happened.

So I woke up! And I had nightmares! But that’s okay because I got to sleep in a little bit more! And I can’t wait to bake and me and my grandma are going to spend time together! :D and my mum is going to go with my brother!

10:32PM Oct. 28 2019

My old roommate Don epfaniyo came by. Got beaten up really fucking good. They kicked him, scratched him and punched him. He went to the hospital last night. Went there at 9:00PM? He said the fight started at 9:00PM. Probably the fight didn’t last that long. But fuck. He is not doing so hot right now. Both of his eyes are red and his skin looked like he was skidded on the pavement.  They (don Carlos/epfaniyo and right now my roommate who is about to leave) are joking around. Glad they can still laugh, but that also means they are used to it. I hope his in law can find peace in his soul.

5:07pm Oct. 29 2019

Finished a doc appointment. It was super weird though. The nice pregnant lady kept asking me questions, like a lot of questions. Like if I was being abused at home or if I felt safe at home/ with myself. I wonder if I do look worse for wear... she was super nice though :) I’m glad I talked to her she didn’t judge me at all. I wish she was always my doctor. She asked me about my mental health and how I was doing at school. To be honest I don’t know if I lied. I tried my best to talk to her though. I have been having urges to kill myself I told her but I reassured her I wouldn’t because I have people that care about me. I don’t want them to be alone. I don’t want to die to be honest. I just want too move out and get more help. I want to explore more :) I can’t wait to leave. The next days will be tough because I won’t have my meds... first time I am without my meds. I don’t think things are going to go super good. But it’s going to be okay :D

7:38pm Nov 9

I guess I can’t fuck up with paco either. I get scolded for almost throwing up at his poop. And sneered at me saying “you can put away the bags right? You won’t vomit then?” Like geez woman I’m sorry I’m learning. Paco has been coughing a lot. And I don’t really wanna play because he has a fuck ton of more energy then me. He deserves a better family to be honest. Mum wanted this and I went along cause I wanted to give paco a good home and I thought maybe if he came things would get better. But why do I lie to myself.

God,maybe I am a fuck up.

9:10pm Nov 11

I feel like fucking shit. To be honest I don’t even know how to breathe some days and when I go to therapy I forget I was sad and not lie, but forget to write down I am wanting to die. I want to break everything I own and die. How can I function when my mum wants to tell me what do. Oh sorry forgetting about time because to me TIME IS NONEXISTNET FUCK YOU.I DONT HATE YOU I JUST DON’T SEE YOU ANYMORE

I wonder if this is why people kill themselves. Do I hate myself? I don’t I do. Logically its not my fault. I think anyways

Paco is being cute though. He is a nice distraction. GOD I hate that Carla was right about keeping a journal. Oh I forgot to mention abby is not interested in me. Which gives me so much closure! (I had no idea what her feelings were so like I do I proceed thy friendship lmao)I am thankful for having good friends. I just wish I didn’t see everyone like npc though. I feel like they are npc because I don’t know. I am glad paco is here, he lights up the place even though he poops EVERYWHERE. lol. Anyways I keep hearing the voices sometimes really strong other times I feel like going crazy. Like actual  crazy none of that fake shit. Like fuck man. I go into this mind palace and force all my frustration there.i am allowed to go crazy I am allowed to scream and walk around the streets singing/dancing/talking to myself.its fun I am allowed to break bottles and walk around with my mother worrying about me. She is not there in that plane she is at home not worrying about me.

The song of the day Good day by BTS

Keep fighting

[pengosolvent]

really frightened that i am lacking something essential and will never be able to be a skilled or creative artist no matter how hard i try. equally frightened that i have sabotaged my own progress in various ways and have wasted years backsliding and will never “get back” any skill i did previously exhibit. do you have any suggestions for how to continue to produce art and improve even when constantly suffocated by fear

anon this is a common but unfortunate occurrencei feel this a lot too this is a very long reply because i think about this kinda stuff often, so there’s a readmore

i’ve got some advice for you, though i’m sure you’ve probably already heard some if not all of this before, so i don’t mean to talk to you like this is new magic info, but just reiterating stuff that i try to keep in mind that might work for you tooalso i want to point out that i’m not a professional remotely, so the things i’m stating are completely from my own personal experiences ….. and also i struggle with perfectionism and other things so while i give this advice i also still have trouble with the problems noted and also i use a lot of examples and comparisons when i talk because its easier for me to understand things that way

anyway:

1- you are the person who sees your art the mostthis is a very obvious thing, to state but it ties directly into a lot of what you’ve statedyou feel you lack something essential, you feel you’ve backslid and lost previous skills, and youre afraidbut think about the other art you seeyou ONLY see the end result of what everyone posts… or even if people do post in-progress pictures or speedpaints, you’re not really seeing the “scope” of it with in-progress pictures, you don’t know how much changed or how much was erased how much time was spent how much etc with speedpaints, you see all the progress but its sped up and it’s easy to feel like all of that was done faster than it really was even if youre aware its sped up

and even if you watched a realtime video of someone drawing… theres thousands of hours outside of that video of this person doodling, and even THINKING about their art that you havent seen it makes other peoples art feel a lot more.. confident? secure?

for your own art however, you are fully aware of the struggle of every line because you’re the one doing it and thinking about itit might make you feel like you’re trying so hard when everyone else has just Got it

2- experiencing art as a consumer vs a creator is a different feelingthis is directly tied to the previous idea but it’s easy to feel like you lack something essential when, instead of consuming the art, you are the one producing it 

here’s an example: i love horror contentnot all of it of course, but i love horror that really makes me think and makes me see a characters motivations and really digs in deep psychologically and sticks with you even after you’re done experiencing the media

however it is very very hard for me to make anything that is strictly horror. for a long time i thought i was just bad at it, but i realized later that i’m not missing something that helps to write/draw horror … i just experience horror different based on if i’m consuming it vs making it part of the horror appeal to me is the MYSTERYif i am writing/drawing horror, there is NO mystery! i know everything there is to know about the situation i am making! i know all the character’s motivations, i know everything there is to know about every tiny detail and even if i am writing something where i don’t know what happens so it’s a purposeful mystery (such as in this comic where i don’t know what happens if you take off the tinier beak) it sometimes feels less Cool Mystery for me and more like “oh no i don’t know this thing, oh god, i’m a bad writer”i’ve gotten over that little by little, but it’s still hard to shake that i’m “missing” something with work that ISN’T mine its easy to put meaning that may not have been totally intended and THINK that the person meant it, and thus feel like that thing is more thought-out than it actually is

you might be experiencing something similar with art… where it feels like when you see OTHER art, you feel happy or like theres a meaning there etc but with your own art, you can’t capture that same feeling… it could literally be because you know what youre going for and what youre doing because youre the one doing it

3a- old art feels better sometimes because it is more removed from youyou know better than i do in this regard if this is true to you, because sometimes people can genuinely get rusty and lose but for the most part older art tends to feel better due to the fact it is becoming more and more removed from your current state and mindsetold art starts to slowly get treated the way you read Other people’s art because you’re not staring at it constantly and you start to forget the process and effort behind the old art

sometimes you can’t see well if your new art is “better” or not because it is too current on your mind and you know how hard it is to make and if it does or doesnt match what you were going for or etc etcmeanwhile your old art starts to be viewed more objectively because you dont remember every difficult line with it, and you can see it as a bit better because you’re not bogged by the negativity

3b- even if you fell off, you can regain the skill

even if you DID get worse over time… you did it once before and you can do it againyou can learn from your old works, but also try to learn from your old mentality a lot of my old stuff was more expressive and emotivei could learn to do that again mechanically, imitating my old stuff, but a big part of why my art was that way was because my mentality was different back then i was louder, more open, etc etcthink about what’s changed within you to see reasons for things changed in your art

4a- fear only works if you’re afraid of being badit is important to be able to see ways you can improve… but it’s also important not to fear that you have areas that CAN improveif you view “making something bad” as a punishment/negative outcome your fear directs itself through all your art

the easiest point fear can attack is starting to draw at allbefore you start drawing its very easy for your mind to go “why do this? why try if it’s just going to be stressful” and all through out the process that ramps up like “see it’s just stressful why do it”

your fear seemingly offers you something to gain if you don’t even try: avoiding the pain of art altogether

but what if you were unphased by that pain? if you don’t care about making something bad, that fear can’t manifest

some artists start their day by drawing the shittiest thing they can to shake off rust and have fun doing it … drawing a cartoon character from memory, drawing and overly rendered shitpost etc now i’m not saying not to care about your quality and take a ton of shortcuts and blablait’s still good to want to learn and improve it’s just that you have to start rearranging your perspective on your steps to achieve that

4b- no-stakes neutral is no problemhow do you get rid of that fear? how do you stop feeling being bad is.. bad?

try to view arts range as neutral to positive (as opposed to negative to postive) because at it’s base that’s exactly what art is what i mean by that is…let’s say you’re trying to draw a cat (and it’s not a commission or anything). your first attempt does not look anything like a cat this is not a “bad” thing though it may feel that way your failed attempt at a cat has not stabbed you or taken money or food from you or in any way truly inconvenienced you

the base idea is that you drew something and it wasn’t what you wanted this is completely neutral.. it’s like going to look for a new shirt. if you see shirts you don’t care for, you move past them until you get to the shirt you want.your “bad art” is just that. a bunch of shirts you don’t want til you find the one you’re looking for… you don’t have to pay anything for those “bad” attemptssure they take a bit of time and if you don’t have a lot of energy you might feel bad to use it on a drawing that you don’t enjoy and it can be frustrating if you keep trying to no avail, but all in all it’s not a stark negative

art isn’t a straight pathit’s winding, it’s really confusing , and it can be tiringbut if you go down a path that’s a dead end, you just try another pathdon’t fear reaching dead ends, there are always more paths

chuck jones (an iconic animator) said he had to draw multiple drafts to get expressions just right failure is in the eye of the beholder… he felt the first drafts for those expressions did not fit what he wanted, but he didn’t fear failure because of that even if the art was not by his standards, he continued until he got the one he felt was appropriate

it takes patience to get to where you wantif you stay patient you will eventually arrive there

5- drawing and thinking go hand in handart is a blend of being able to draw and being able to problem solve through what you already knowwhen i get stressed with art it’s usually because i don’t know what the hell i’m doing with no way to check myself if i’m close to what i want or not with me it tends to happen with backgrounds or animalsthis is why ppl typically suggest learning to draw cubes, cylinders and spheres from any angle because then you can transfer that base knowledge into other objectslike, cubes can be used to draw rooms, boxes, screens, fences, etccylinders can be pipes, water bottles, arms and legs, etc

transfering base knowledge is essential in art and understanding that you can do that, even if only as a base, helps a lotwith learning how to draw a mouse, you have a starting point for learning how to draw a rat (comparing the headshapes, sizes, ears, etc)… then you can use these two as a base point for drawing a squirrel, then a rabbit etc

another example could be maybe you know how to draw claws but not fangs… you can interchange the shape of a curved claw for a curved fang easily

starting with something you know and figuring out how to transfer the knowledge is very important and can help lessen that stress because instead of not even knowing where to start, you can problem solve to figure out what you already know under different termsits just all about knowing what connections you can try and learn, and working “smart”

on that vein… 6- perfecting things doesn’t make perfectit’s very tempting to make every tiny detail as good as you possibly can… but it’s very daunting and time consumingyou should try to work “smart” here too and now what i mean by that is … say i’m making a comic. i can make the comic to the absolute best of my current ability and take forever and become extremely drained Or… i could decide to try but still set a deadline for myself, and not worry TOO much about the smaller details why is the second one better? because i will get it done. if i try very very hard my ABSOLUTE best on a comic, making sure every single line is perfect, in a few months that comic will still be outdated. it will still get old and the amount i learned from it is limitedif i give myself some leeway (still trying of course, still learning and challenging myself) and set a deadline, i learn to be disciplined in my comics, i get a comic finished, AND i learn more because i am finishing more work in general

this is a really helpful video that explains this point more in depth 

this isn’t to say you need to take the easiest routes for art that are availableit’s more like… back to the comic example, let���s say it’s like making a cake i can be a huge perfectionist about my cake, carving everything exact and putting every drop of frosting as exact as i can… but i’m still not a “master” at this i’m still learning the next time i make a cake i’m going to have to do the same situation … take forever to try to make the perfect cake

if i make a cake and still try, but accept when i don’t know how to get the exact result, my first cake is going to be a bit of a mess, but the next cake i make, i’ll be a little closer and in the time it takes Perfectionist Me to make 2 cakes, i might have already made 10 and i’ve sped up the process now and improved because i’ve learned a lot with those 10 cakes

there’s probably more that can be said about art, but i’m hesitant to try to dictate too much about how you experience your art and go about it i hope that this can help you at least a bit though