#there's these songs that create so much catharsis and anger and emotion and all you see in the comments are fandom jokes

[ragsandrascals]

If you put fandom-related comments on Crane Wives songs I hope you know we’re enemies

Tongues and Teeth is not about your Minecraft SMP tounges and Teeth is about the time I broke up with an emotionally abusive ex because I was realizing I was ace and needed to feel like it was okay to be/feel like a monster

(this post is mostly in jest but it gets a little frustrating when you see five different fandoms trying to co-opt your favorite band)

[spaceytingz]

Rank the entire emotion era from best to worst. Reasons why are optional but welcomed.

OKAYYYY lemme queue up the two projects

edit: fuck you hoe this was too hard

and the stupid tumblr post writer crashed twice so i'm rewriting this

anyways:

#1. Your Type

I'm kinda lost for words here. This song is screaming cause you've held everything in for too long. Glitter and sweat under neon lights. Tears and lipgloss mixing. Dancing on your own. Stars and galaxies and time. Time. Someone once said that she sings this song as if she'd singlehandedly create time in order to make the impossible possible and I think that's one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. Helps that it's true too. I've always been attracted to desperation in songs and there's something in Your Type's depiction of pain and inadequateness that I haven't heard anywhere else. She has accepted her situation but she still delivers her confession, be it to her actual object of affection, to us, or to herself, it doesn't really matter. It's the act of storytelling, laying her heart out in a melodramatic and theatrical way that I really enjoy. Carly's feelings are always more grand and important than their target and this is best shown in this song. Nothing I could ever say would be enough to describe this song. I'd make time for it.

Favorite moment: My favorite lyrics of all time: "I bet she acts so perfectly. You probably eat up every word she says. And if you ever think of me, I bet I'm just a flicker in your head."

#2. Fever

As you can probably tell, I really enjoy Carly being hurt on songs. This is one of very few songs where Carly expresses anger - and I can't get enough of it. Her switching between vulnerability and vengeance is incredibly satisfying to me, the storytelling is great and I really like the melodrama of it all - stealing his bike, feeling the fever forever. It's these kinds of extremes that make life fun, devastating and worth living, and they're what makes her music forever amazing to me.

Favorite moment: Honestly, everything, but if I had to pick one, it would be the "don't break my heart tonight" bridge.

#3. Cry

It's Cry. My favorite genre of Carly songs, as you've probably guessed by the top 2 is devastating songs with sunny/kinda positive production, and Cry is no exception. There's just something about this song that makes it timeless. It's the beautiful devastation to Fever's frustrated mania. It seems otherworldly in a way the other songs on Side B are not.

Favorite moment: WAKE UP WITHOUT YOU! WAKE UP WITHOUT YOU! WAKE UP WITHOUT YOU! I WAKE UP WITHOUT YOU, BOY!

#4. Let's Get Lost

I could write about how much I enjoy every single aspect of this song - the bombastic chorus, the giddiness of it all, the vulnerability similar to Your Type, but I think there's a more interesting aspect to it. Let's Get Lost is ultimately a song about fantasy. Carly has suffered and kept her heart hidden until now - her desires and pining have taken ahold of her as she describes her ultimate wish. However, we're not sure if her proposition gets accepted or if she even delivers it - but it doesn't matter. The act of wanting and dreaming is greater and better than anything that could or could not happen. The way she describes it makes it seem like it's destiny - it lives outside of time, happening and not happening all the time. In a sense, the emotion of her anticipating it is greater than anything else and it allows her to live through the catharsis of experiencing it forever. Of course, despite it all, this song would not be so high if it wasn't for her delivery. Everything about this song is giddy, I once read that Carly has a tendency to describe ordinary acts as sinful and tempting and I think it really works in her favor. She's after the Forbidden Fruit, and even if it's not so forbidden, she can convince us it is (also it's a quite good queer metaphor).

Favorite moment: "I was always shy and careful, always sure that you would never look at me. Never wanted to discourage anything your eyes encouraged silently."

#5. Cut To The Feeling

I honestly don't know where to place this one, but this song is a rare example of one of an artist's best songs making it big. Cut To The Feeling is the best song to describe Carly as an artist - it's joyful, euphoric, makes you wanna fly and live forever through your emotions and what-could-have-beens. Blue and pink skies, rush of energy, the sun. Cut To The Feeling.

Favorite moment: Every single part.

#6. The One

This is the EPITOME of pining. The self-doubt, the succumbing to her desires, the thinly veiled need to stay in control..... Everything about this song is IMMACULATE. Carly fighting against her own feelings is truly a sight to behold and considering I really enjoy themes of fighting against love and your true nature (see Happy Not Knowing being my fourth most streamed song of all time), yeah, this is a masterpiece. (also a good queer metaphor)

Favorite moment: Romance is fine, pour me some wine, tell me it's just for the fun of it. Thoughts in your eyes, hard to deny, but I don't want love, don't want none. of. it. Also the muffled bridge that builds up to the final chorus my GOD! also the ad-libs in the final chorus. also her whole career.

#7. Making The Most Of The Night

I know, I know, she barely wrote on it, I don't care. Making The Most Of The Night is so perfectly crafted, it's insane. The instrumentals are mesmerizing, her energy is unbeatable and I'm a sucker for an explosive chorus. Everything about the song works to its full potential (side note, it's insane how bad the Sia demo is compared to the final product). Running through red lights on empty city streets underneath the full moon, hot summer night air ruffling your hair, joy and freedom, youth. That's making the most of the night.

Favorite moment: Final chorus although I really REALLY enjoy hearing that intro. It just unlocks something in me. OH ALSO THE aah-aaahs, they are INSANE I LOVE THEM

#8. I Didn't Just Come Here To Dance

Once I said that if Carly only ever made and released this song, I'd still worship her the same and that still rings true. It's honestly such an insanely good song, I don't even know what to say about it. Everything about it is addicting, the beat, the NO NA NA NA NA NO NAA NAA that i quote every day, the "I only came here for you (you)" moments. It's just so fun and the perfect club song. Every lyric is perfect, an incredible mix of flirtation, pining and confidence.

Favorite part: I only came here for you (you) and the final chorus.

#9. Store

The song that started it all. Honestly, this is a peak Aquarius song - tongue in cheek, emotionally avoidant in a whimsical way and most of all - super fun. Aside from Store being funny as fuck, I unironically find it super beautiful. The verses are angelic as she makes up excuses, the pre-chorus is catchy as she makes her way out the door and the chorus is probably one of her most fun despite its repetitive lyrics (which i adore). Also the BRIDGE. The whole song honestly has the energy of her giggling as she sneaks out of her boyfriend's life forever and I really really enjoy that.

Favorite part: ALRIGHT! If it's alright with you. I just wanna say I'm sorry, I just wanna say I'm sorry, sorry 😜

#10. Body Language

All I have to say about this song is that it's pure FUN. Like, it's made for dancing in your living room or on the street, it's spring light rain and sun afterwards but it's also summer, it's a light breeze, it's smiling as wide as you can, it's trying to outmanoeuvre someone else while dancing, it's just amazing and never gets old.

Favorite part: The first verse.

#11. First Time

You know, I did not expect this song to be that high. I always imagine First Time like an Elora Pautrat picture - kinda like an idealised version of a Japan suburb (hell, I even made a kinda shitty First Time lyric video to one of her pictures back in quarantine). Honestly one of her best examples of a "dancing through the tears" song. I don't know why we don't talk about it more as a society.

Favorite part: I REALLY like the (by-by-by-by-by-byeee) part right before the bridge

#12. LA Hallucinations

Write and sing and wear whatever. I'm a sucker for songs that touch on succumbing to addiction (be it related to substances or something else), hating fame, materialism, paparazzi/invasion of privacy, so it was quite natural that I'd like this song. I particularly like her delivery - it's kind of like she's manic, trying desperately to cling to her roots while on some sort of sugar/alcohol/drug high that makes everything around her change constantly.

Favorite moment: The bridge.

IF I JUST LIE HERE WILL YOU LET ME GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

#13. Gimmie Love

Whenever I hear this song I get transported to August 2019 - I'm in Germany, biking underneath pink clouds in the countryside and time has stopped. Carly evokes feelings of both pining and hopefulness which is a rare combination but works extremely well. For a lack of better words, this song makes me ascend. I feel like I'm about to gently levitate out of my chair, into the clouds and then into another dimension full of pink clouds that smells like linden. It's this imagery that makes it stand out above some of the other songs.

Favorite moment: every time she shouts gimmie love with a bit more energy and variation than usual in the final chorus

#14. Boy Problems

I used to see this song in a way similar to "Emotion" before - a super solid bop that just wasn't life-changing. Just amazing. But then I saw a gif of this moment:

And I was changed forever. It's such a fun song and it was taken to another level for me when I leaned into the sassy, eye-rolling parts of it. I also quite enjoy the dialogue, it's super fun and I love acting it out.

Favorite moment: the moment in the gif

#15. Run Away With Me

I have a particularly weird relationship with most of the "critical darling" or "commercial juggernaut" songs on my favorite records. There's this immense inner contrarian urge to be like "They're not that good" and to point out that there are much better songs on the record. And while the latter part of this statement is true, Run Away With Me, despite my lack of an emotional connection to it, always, always manages to make its way into my top 40 most listened-to songs of the year. I don't know how it happens, it's just consistently good. Maybe someday I'll form some deeper connection to it but until then, it's a bop, it's blue skies, wind in my hair, and freedom. I always play it before I land somewhere although I feel like it's more of a train/bike song.

Favorite moment: Over the weekend, we could turn the world to gold.

#16. When I Needed You

HEY! When I Needed You is the credits of the wonderful, neon-light illuminated 80s movie that Emotion (the album) is. It's honestly perfect. Empowering, fun, a teeny little bit childish but in the best way. I honestly don't have much to say about it aside from: it's perfect, it's incredibly fun to sing along to and.... yeah. I love it.

Favorite moment: The last chorus, start to finish. also the HEY!s

#17. Emotion

This song is a hot night in a beach bar illuminated by red neon lights in the middle of July. There are not too many people there and time seems to have stopped. It took me some time to fully recognise this song as more than a bop but now that I get it? Oh my god. It's so sleek and arrogant, literally never gets old. I would never put it anywhere near my top 20 of Carly's songs but seeing as I completely adore 80% of her output, a lot of other great songs share that quality. Still a 10/10.

Favorite moment: The first verse is so haughty, I love it. Also, any time she's teasing the ex-object of her affections.

#18. Warm Blood

Let down my guard tonight, I just don't care anymore... Warm Blood is a truly unique song in the sense that it's one of the few songs where she's not giving her all, vocally. Instead, she traps us in a hazy, drunk, lazy red night that threatens to consume you if you stay for too long. Now that I'm writing this, I realise that it kinda feels like dying of a vampire bite - everything is hazy, your eyes are closing as you lie in a warm pool of blood, there's nothing but heat and the sound of your slowing heart and you just don't care anymore. It's an immaculate vibe.

Favorite moment: The lying metaphors and the "I just don't care anymore" line. It's what elevated the song for me.

#19. Roses

DRUNK ON CIGARETTES LAST YEAR SILLOUETTHES DANCING IN THE DARK LOVE MADE IN THE PARK BIG BLACK BLOSSOM TREES BABY COVER ME HOLD ME OUT TO BLOW PLEASE DON'T LET ME GO

Roses is a brilliant song that has probably one of her best bridges. It's cinematic, theatrical, a perfect tragic finale of Side B. Honestly, the only reason it isn't higher on the list is that the song is great but only the bridge is a masterpiece.

Favorite moment: The bridge duh

#20. Higher

I used to kinda despise this song cause it's literally the only song post-Kiss that she didn't write but as time has passed, I've realised the production really hits. It's nothing groundbreaking but it's a very fun song when you let go of your expectations about it. I'd honestly describe this song as whiteish-pink clouds, but not the saturated pink of Gimmie Love or the light lavender of Never Get To Hold You.

Favorite part: the hii-hiii-hiiiigher part in the chorus.

#21. Never Get To Hold You

Another song that transports me to August 2019 in Germany, Never Get To Hold You kinda feels like the dusk version of Gimmie Love's sunset. It's beautiful, kinda mindless which really fits it and yeah. I don't have a manic obsession with it but it's very nice. Also I have a fun memory of biking to this song while looking at some cows in Germany. Really fun. Light Lavender song.

Favorite moment: The bridge but the whole song is excellent.

#22. All That

The only moment on the main album that could be described as a true ballad, All That took some time for me to get but now that I get it? Wow. Despite there being better songs on the record, All That is still a standout to me in a way. The song feels like glistening under a disco ball and dancing alone at prom in a more-than-half-empty room. It's wonderful. I also really appreciate how this is one of the few Carly songs where the sad lyrics are not combined with peppy energetic production.

Favorite moment: The ad-libs in the last chorus (SHOW MEEEEEE)

#23. I Really Like You

Despite its relatively lower placement, I really like this song! (see what I did there) It's super fun to sing, deliciously saccharine (which is a word I learned thanks to reviews of the track So Nice) and I just love her energy! And you know, I've never had anything against repetitive choruses.

Favorite moment: I really really like the "boy on the moon" line.

#24. Love Again

Fun song, similar to Never Get To Hold You except I don't have much of an emotional connection to it. It's fun, fun to sing along to but I don't have much to say about it except "Solo if it slayed".

Favorite moment: Moon... where's the man in you? (also maybe a throwback to IRLY's boy on the moon)

#25. Favourite Colour

Yeah. I actually quite like this song but it has never been anything special to me. It's very beautiful, sure, but almost everything on both albums outdoes it for me. I'd imagine it's very nice to listen to while high but I guess I've never connected to it that much. Still a solid 8.

Favorite moment: WAKE ME UP! ME UP! ME UP!

#26. Black Heart

I listened to the two projects three times between writing and rewriting and I didn't notice Black Heart playing at all. It's okay, sometimes I enjoy it but it's so forgettable.

Favorite moment: UNDER THE BLOSSOM TREE! ah who am i kidding, it's just okay.

[hag-lad]

I’ve noticed that women generally love Gojira way more than other metal bands, and I find that fascinating. I mean. Gojira is ruthlessly heavy, just absolutely fucking brutal music. I think if women let themselves tap into their own rage more often, they’d enjoy way more heavy metal than they realize! But so many women are afraid of anger, afraid of power, afraid of violent emotions, and this translates to a repulsion from music that sounds too brutal.

It totally makes sense, since most of us have body memories of power & rage being explicitly dangerous, destructive, traumatizing, etc. I’ve got way more than my fair share of those memories, believe me. But what I have always loved about metal is how it can express, channel, direct, and fuel my own sacred rage. Because it is sacred! Anger is energy!!!! Anger is valuable! I don’t categorically fear violence or hate. I don’t that think love is all you need. I think the ability to fight for love is a deep, universal need, integral to your humanity! Heavy music is a very healthy outlet for that need. I’d much rather feel it in my headphones than literally have to throw hands with homophobes or misogynists in the streets, lmao.

Gojira is the perfect gateway into metal because, even before you read the lyrics, you can feel an intrinsic safety in their work. It’s made all the better once you read the lyrics and they’re all about climate grief, social anxiety, mythology, witchcraft, mental illness, environmentalism, escapism, and sci fi. Like. Zero room for misogyny or typical meathead rock’n’ roll bullshit. Gojira has an aura of enlightenment within their rage, and I think that just comes through sonically somehow. It literally is witchcraft! The intention of healing and catharsis is so painstakingly baked into every second of every song, you can’t help but feel held by it!!! That is the word: Held. I feel held by Gojira, and I just know that women are way more in touch with the deeply human need to be held than men tend to be. Everyone needs to be held, goddam it! And everyone needs to feel, express, and expel their anger! Gojira can do all of that!!!

When I saw Gojira last week, Joe asked the crowd to create a circle of energy and intention for The Chant, and it was fucking transcendent. Get strong, he said! I felt the will to power as a woman, as a lesbian, as an anti-racist, as an environmentalist, as a leftist, as an artist!!! I think that powerful feeling reaches women on an instinctual level. I love to see it! More women in the metal scene, PLEASE!

[biglisbonnews]

BABYNYMPH Bites Back Harder With 'Ice' At the intersection of militant hyper-femininity and ironic, performative masculinity lies the warped world of BABYNYMPH. Drawing on the sounds of deconstructed club, slut pop, Ibiza summer hits and SoundCloud rap, the rising talent has been quickly making moves in the hyperpop sphere, collaborating with the likes of Chase Icon, Basside and famously garnering a remix from the late great SOPHIE for single "clown shit" — and she's just getting started.Related | SOPHIE Sends BAYLI and BABYNYMPH's 'clown shit' Up the WallNow, BABYNYMPH is back with the lead single "Ice" off her forthcoming debut EP Pornopop - Abhorrence​, and she's going right for the jugular. Featuring a screaming UK bass-inspired bassline and screaming vocals, the track sees BABYNYMPH unleashing her full fury on an adrenaline-pumping instrumental with frenzied threats to "fuck you with a knife" for a manic, sexually-charged atmosphere. It's a song that you'll want to rage and throw hands to every time it comes on in the club.The first release off of BABYNYMPH's own independent label KUNTHOUSE, the forthcoming EP is set to explore themes of dysphoria, fear, aggression and how sexual trauma can impact sexuality, reclaiming those experiences and turning them into something positive. Finding refuge in the catharsis of the club, BABYNYMPH injects a sense of fun into her music in a big fusion of genres that sees the artist delivering serve after serve.Ahead of the PAPER premiere of "Ice" we caught up with BABYNYMPH to talk about the single, her upcoming EP and what's next for the artist.What was the inspiration for “Ice?”The main inspiration behind “Ice” was to create an aggressive “don’t fuck with me” type of anthem after going through a very negative sexual experience. I wanted to channel beast energy, making a clear statement that I bite back and I bite harder. An “Arm the Dolls” theme song in a way.What was the writing process for “Ice” like?I came up with the lyrics spontaneously while just playing around in a studio in Berlin. I wrote the beat first. At the moment I have been dealing with a lot of anger and negative emotions related to a recent unfortunate event. So I just tried to experiment with my vocals, pushing them to the limit and going full-on rage mode. It was not necessarily meant to make it to the final cut, but I ended up loving it so much, I made the decision to fully dive into that cutthroat and unapologetically literal, aggressive manic direction. The recording process itself has been more of a fun little silly play-around moment. Basically, random fun ideas accidentally turned into a very fitting lyrical context, refreshing the BABYNYMPH sound. There was also something very appealing about sounding as masculine and hysterical as possible on that record. I can serve you a hyper-femme doll with a bro attitude. I can serve you dyke with the most bimbo attitude ever. All these social tribes and binary behaviors are being taken too seriously and come with way too many expectations for something that is just a construction of humanity practically not based on any logical factors. I’m over it. I’m all of that.What do you hope people take away from the track?Honestly just go the fuck off to it, it’s a banger (lol) and, of course, to not mess up with the dolls.How do you see “Ice” fitting into the overall EP?Even though the execution of the track is an upbeat, fun and stupid expression of aggression, It is following the overall theme of the EP — expressing my associations with the violent aspects of sexual acts, a reflection of my own ways of coping and losing trust, which leads to being in a constant self-defense mode, which sometimes can totally limit the amount of potential positive experiences because you instantly exclude the chance for a graceful interaction. I always like to add fun factors in everything though, you can get the meaning and relate, you might not understand shit and just vibe to the music in the clubs. Both are fine with me.For the uninitiated, how would you describe BABYNYMPH?"Cunt."What does the future hold for BABYNYMPH?The whole EP is going to be released next month via my own independent label “KUNTHOUSE”. I wanted to have full control of whatever I do creatively without any limits or potential censorship, as I believe that no art should be censored. I want to create a whole universe and an ecosystem around my concepts, ideas and vision. I am very collaborative by nature as well, so including my friends and exchanging ideas collectively to come up with something even more exciting just makes the most sense to me. This is how cultural progress is being done. Gatekeeping is giving insecurity to me.Photo courtesy of BABYNYMPH https://www.papermag.com/babynymph-ice-2659606776.html

[catty-words]

on the school dance fallout or, a thorough examination of the boys’ apologies to julie

full disclosure, i used to take serious issue with 1.06 for what it did to julie’s righteous anger in light of the boys letting her down, and my gripes haven’t fully gone away. but i have spent some time thinking on the fallout since my first (several) viewing(s) of the show and i finally noticed some emotionally nuanced storytelling that i needed time to come to appreciate. so, if you’ll indulge me another gif-filled meta post...

everyone knows that a good apology demonstrates an understanding of how you wronged the person you’re apologizing to, otherwise the words i’m sorry end up being fairly empty. and luckily for the boys, julie does a good job of immediately and effectively communicating her hurt feelings:

the first part is directed at luke specifically as her main co-writer, while the rest is about how all three of them let her down. it couldn’t be more clear that the reason she’s so betrayed is that a) they’ve made her feel like julie and the phantoms is less important to them than sunset curve and b) they’ve failed to consider her point of view or empathize with how important the show was to her.

which is why singing sorry a bunch of times, though charming, leaves her unmoved. and it’s why booking another gig actually makes her angrier. a gig the boys have deemed important enough to show up for is not a present or an olive branch to her, it’s a slap in the face. and if the boys had actually been paying attention to what she’d said the night of the dance, they could have anticipated her reaction.

but they clearly haven’t listened, so they haven’t learned how to do better or make things right. which is why this is such an important beat in the scene in the studio:

hounding julie to rejoin the band, even with such nice sentiments as “you’re the best thing that’s happened to us since we became ghosts”, does nothing to address how undervalued julie feels getting stood up because, as she points out above, their ability to do what they love is very limited without her. that makes her a powerful and essential member of the band, but it doesn’t prove that they care about her, julie, the person. and you can see in the reaction shot how the truth of her words lands for all of them.

their remorseful silence gives julie the opportunity to reiterate one of the points she made the night before, and it’s important to note which part of her hurt feelings she chooses to revisit.

the fact that they made the choice to pay more attention to their old music in spite of the music they were creating together is the thing that hurt her feelings the most. and, of course, her open hostility and her imagined reasons for why the boys picked sunset curve over julie and the phantoms (i.e. selfishness) puts luke on the defensive and ends with everyone leaving the scene dissatisfied.

great! okay, so here’s the part that’s bugged in the past (and the present, just. a little less so.) — in their attempt to deescalate the situation, alex and reggie give julie, and the audience, the all-important luke backstory. but like asking julie to rejoin the band with a shinier gig than a school dance flies in the face of actually making amends, so, too, does asking julie to empathize with luke’s emotional journey when the boys failed to take julie’s into account when they hurt her. only this time, it works as an olive branch.

now, i’m not saying that julie’s acting out of character in being sympathetic to luke’s pain, quite the opposite is the case. and i’m also not saying it’s bad that she does find sympathy for his situation — again, i’d argue that the opposite is true. it’s just, at the same time, it’s not a good look to force aside the young woman of color’s hurt in service of the white dude who hurt her feelings in the first place’s tragic backstory. the narrative is asking julie not to be mad at the choices luke made in the past two episodes because he’s really sad, actually.

and sure that’s an ungracious read of the moment, but i stand by the fact that it’s present in the text of the episode all the same, even with a little more nuance than i’m currently giving it credit for.

all that being said, alex and reggie do a bit to win back this highly insensitive maneuver with another stab at an apology.

alex addresses julie’s comment about them knowing “how tough it’s been for her to play” by reiterating that not showing up let her down and they get that that’s a crappy way to feel, while reggie takes a crack at julie’s “our songs were good” by emphasizing that they all love being in a band and making music with her. it’s a slight step up from their sorry in the garage, but not a complete fix because they’re all still sitting with the fact that they need julie to make the most of their music and how that complicates their declarations of loyalty.

the thing that makes this attempt at reconciliation different than those prior, of course, is this line:

the acknowledgement that things haven’t been fixed + the politeness + the implication that they’re willing to put in the time to earn her trust back so long as she lets them makes the apology a good enough one to accept. well, that, and:

one gets the sense that if rose could actually speak to julie in that moment, she’d be reminding her the value of grace. and, of course, we know that this also serves as a reminder to julie that good things are fleeting, loss is around every corner, and holding close what you care about is important. so she does just that by letting go of her (righteous, righteous) anger and reuniting the band.

still, even though alex and reggie have had their chance to make amends, luke doesn’t get the same moment to show he’s actually paid attention to julie’s needs in 1.06. so, naturally, he starts immediately in their first scene together in 1.07. 

i mentioned in my exhaustive list for “finally free” that julie picking a sunset curve song for their reunion number is a lovely, understated way for her acknowledge luke’s lost musical legacy, and i have similar feelings about the fact that luke suggests “edge of great” for their follow-up gig. it’s his first step in proving to her that he does care about the music they’ve written together with actions instead of empty apologies and misguided gestures.

by the end of the episode, though, the three of them take a step back (reggie gets points for his being, like, half a step) when they learn that, in addition to letting down julie, one of the consequences of their night chasing revenge is a ticking clock on their existence.

though i understand the urge to protect julie from the alarming news that their power is going out, there’s also a lot of selfishness behind the decision. julie loses them in the end no matter what, but lying to her about it and planning to leave without an explanation shows a disregard for her emotional journey in a similar way standing her up did. in fact, this plan is basically to stand her up for eternity. not cool, guys.

naturally, since it’s luke who’s the one proposing the terrible plan and it’s luke who never officially demonstrated his understanding of how he hurt julie’s feelings by not showing up when it mattered, it’s fitting that he’s suddenly more in tune with his own feelings. and, with that, comes a new awareness of how his and julie’s feelings interact, starting with this moment in 1.08.

you can see his conflict over her declaration. she’s worried without knowing just how much there is to be worried about, and that makes him sad because it’s confirmation of the fact that he’s important to her. that losing him will mean a lot of pain for her. but instead of cluing her in, he makes a conscious choice to continue withholding the information of his imminent departure. and maybe it’s such a weak deflection because he’s already starting to come to terms with how unfair he’s being to her, but even so, he’s not being a good friend when julie is showing up for him in big, unexpected ways he’d never even thought to ask for.

and again, here — 

— just after they’ve acknowledged that there’s a something and not a nothing between them, you can see him sober with the thought that she doesn’t know they’re about to lose each other. but it’s still not enough to move him to share. maybe because he prefers that she live with the possibility of that something when he no longer can, maybe because he’s too caught up in his own feelings about how crappy this hand they’ve been dealt by the universe is. but in any case, he keeps tight-lipped.

UNTIL.

it’s seeing her excited about a future their music can’t have that finally pushes him into coming clean. and i love how subtly this demonstrates that he has been paying attention, actually, and he knows that what hurt julie the most was the feeling that their music took a backseat to his past. if he crosses over without telling her the whole, ugly truth about the mistake he made by standing her up, then he crosses over stuck in that mistake. because part of that whole, ugly truth is the beautiful realization that no music is worth making, julie, if we’re not making it with you. and he’s not quite at that particular aspect of his truth yet — he still has to experience the what if of caleb’s club to be able to make the declaration with the conviction he does — but when he finally does tell her that and means it, she’s given the catharsis she’s needed since the dance. because he’s backing up his apology with action (i.e. being willing to literally no longer exist instead of making music with someone else) and providing her with the same consideration she showed him when she rejoined the band because his loss felt more important than her anger. and reaching that level of give and take in their relationship, physically represented in their hug, finally sets them free.

so, yes. even though 1.06 is clunky and a little tasteless at times, i can acknowledge that the story manages to win any missteps back. quite poetically, honestly. all’s forgiven.

[thompsonstessa-moved]

'Teraz Rock' Interview - english translation

A well know polish magazine about rock music 'Teraz Rock' (Now Rock) had an interview with Måneskin, and since one of the polish fans on FB shared pictures of the magazine, I decided to translate the interview, because I loved some of the stuff they said there! :D

As always, the whole thing is under read more. ;)

Maneskin is not only ‘Zitti e buoni’ and their winning performance in Rotterdam during the recent finale of Eurovision Song Contest. Italian band fits perfectly into the trend of rock restorers, and at the same time fights with the mental narrowness, prejudices and homophobia. On August 19th they will play In Park Kolibki In Gdynia.

I: You started by playing on the streets of Rome…

V: Unfortunately, there is not a lot of possibilities to debut in Rome. Rome is lacking the appropriate places, there are almost no rock shows. So we couldn’t find a place where we could show ourselves to the people. So we decided to play on the streets to gain the following, the listeners. We did that for good few months. And we had a lot of fun doing that. We think it really helped us, too. Because when you play on the streets, you don’t play for someone who came to listen to you. You need to attract people’s attention. So it was a great lesson on stage skills, to keep the attention. And we played many hours each day, so we also evolved as musicians, as a band.

I: Is it true that you had issues with police? V, D, T, E: Yes, that’s true!! (laugh)

D: It was all because of this old lady, that lived on the first floor, near the place where we used to play. She snitched on us! And sometimes police came and tried to get us to leave.

I: They didn’t arrest you?

D: No, it wasn’t that bad.

V: We were 16 back then. We just went all ‘We swear we won’t do it again!’ (laugh). We hid somewhere for 10 minutes….

D: Went around the block….

V: And played again (laugh).

I: You admited that at first you were shy. How did it happen that you gained so much self-confidence? Do you think one has to be self-confident if they want to show the world that they have something to say in music, in art?

V: It is important, but its more about feeling good with yourself and having fun doing what you do, rather than confronting the world. I think that if you lack confidence, you can’t fully enjoy creating, because you keep thinking ‘What the other will think about it?’. But everyone has to go through this phase. In my opinion, self-confidence is not something you’re born with. Everyone has the moments of hesitation and doubt. I have them too, still. And I think that’s perfectly normal. But you need to learn to appreciate yourself, accept yourself the way you are, because you can’t run away from yourself. We have whole life with ourselves, until the day we die (laugh).

I: Damiano, in one of the interviews you said ‘What we say, can change someone way of thinking’. Do you want to influence your audience? Artist like Chuck Berry or AC/DC just had fun on stage.

D: We also have fun on stage. But now, when we’re well known, we can get to many people, especially young ones. And there’s a chance, that if we say something positive to them, we could help them with their problems, that they can’t fight on their own. For example – like Vic said – we can help them gain more self-confidence and make them feel safer in the world around them. I’ll say this: if as a musician you have something to share with others, do it. But if you just want to have fun playing, that’s OK too.

T: Exactly.

I: Your behaviour on stage is often the reason for homophobic attacks. What would you say to homophobes here in Poland?

V: Fuck them!!!

T: Fuck them!

E: Fuck them, fuck them! (laughing)

D: Maybe not so vulgar.....

T: Fuck them!

D: For sure they should open up more, get rid of prejudices. Make a step forward. Free themselves from the old way of thinking. Let the others live however they want.

I: You debuted in 2017 with EP ‘Chosen’ with two of your own songs and few covers. Even tho you were so young, you already came off as mature musicians with a set style…

V: Thanks, but I don’t think so (laugh).

D: I don’t think we would agree with that.

E: We wouldn’t agree with that, definitely.

V: My bass playing skills definitely left much to be desired.

D: 'Chosen' definitely has its advantages, but… we were still looking for our sound back then. That EP is so much more different than our other albums. But it is a part of our career, our journey, and we don’t regret anything that has to do with it. We had a lot of fun recording it and… its something we did in the past and we’re happy that people loved it.

V: Still love it!

D: Exactly, still love it. Even tho we changed so much since then.

V: The most important and coolest thing about that EP is that even tho we were really young and our skills weren’t as good, you can still hear that we already had charisma and knew what we wanted. And even tho most of the EP consists of known songs, we changed them, played them in our own way, our own style. And that’s really cool because it shows us as a band with their own personality. Of course, now that we listen to that EP, we have lot to complain about…

D: We would do the songs much better.

V: But we like the attitude we already had back then. Even tho we were so young.

E: Our sound really changed since then, but you need to remember that when we we’re recording it, it was already a huge accomplishment for us.

D: That’s true.

I: On ‘Chosen’ Damiano sung in english. On your first album, ‘Il ballo della vita’ from 2018, you had songs in italian as well. Did your songs get more personal because of that?

D: I wouldn’t say that. We started writing songs in italian out of necessity. If you’re an Italian artist and want to reach Italian audience, you need, you have to sing in italian, because not a lot of people speak english there. Now it’s different, we managed to reach international audience, so we can make more songs in english. But we won’t resign from italian, we like to write in italian as well.

I: While recording ‘Il ballo della vita’ you made documentary ‘This Is Maneskin’…

E: They will never forget it! (laugh)

I: You can see there, that during that time you argued a lot.

D: We were young!

I: Did the conflicts threaten your band’s future?

D: No! We were just starting out...

V: Conflicts were inevitable. We were very young and suddenly tabloids were writing about us. And recording an album required a lot of work. And we never experienced that before, we had issues dealing with work in the studio. Because creating and recording together isn’t easy. You need to make many decisions, everyone has their own opinion. Now we’re more mature, we know how to deal with those situations. We can discuss with each other in a constructive way. We were much more childish back then and yeah, we fought sometimes. But even then nothing happened that could threaten our band.

I: ‘Il ballo della vita’ is a concept album of sorts. You have there Marlena, who, like you said, is personification of the concern a lot of you have – that we’re not able to be yourself…

D: The album was supposed to share a message to our fans. We wanted to tell them how important for us is the freedom to be yourself. The ability to love someone, that was chosen by our heart. Freedom to wear the clothes we like. Et cetera, et cetera… We realized that the album would speak to people more, and will be easier to understand, if we gave that idea a name. Of course it’s an idea that we still share to this day, just maybe a bit differently.

I: Your last album, ‘Teatro D’Ira Vol. 1’, you recorded live in studio. Did the way you worked on it was much different from the way you recorded ‘Il ballo della vita’?

D: Oh yeah! It definitely took us less time!

V: Definitely much faster. It was very exciting. We wanted to keep in studio the energy we have when we play concerts, which meant playing together. Which is of course much more difficult than recording separately. But we told to ourselves: let it be, we should at least try. And we loved the result.

D: You know, at first you work on the material in rehearsal room. And you’re full of energy. But then you come into recording studio, where you divide the song into parts, and you loose that power, that magic. So we realized that we should change the way we work, so we could keep the emotions from rehearsals.

I: ‘Teatro D’Ira Vol. 1’ is another concept album. You said its all about the rage, that plays the role of catharsis sometimes. Can you say something more about it?

V: Anger is mostly seen as something negative. And we think that classifying emotions as positive or negative is stupid. Especially in art. When you’re creating, anger can make you give more from yourself, say more. And that’s what our album is about, talking about the world of theatre. We show that something that’s seen as bad, can – especially in the world of art – become something good. And those songs, that are so full of rage, can bring relief to our listeners, which only confirms what I’m trying to say.

I: In the lyrics to 'In nome del padre’ and ‘Vent’anni’ you’re talking about mistakes you made in the past...

D: They are very different tracks, even if they seem to talk about the same topic. Vent’anni is all about our age, because we think it’s a very special moment in your life: you become an adult, but you’re still too young to be considered as such, and they don’t treat you seriously. We wanted to share that with our fans, because maybe they think the same. And In nome del padre is about the battle we had to fight, the mistakes we had to make, to get where we are today. Of course we’re still young, we still make mistakes. But I’m singing about the mistakes from the past, because they made us the way we are today. And I’m saying: don’t be afraid to make mistakes, because they are a part of your journey, your life. What’s important is how you react to those mistakes.

E: It’s not a mistake to make mistakes.

I: The next album, continuation of ‘Teatro D’Ira Vol. 1’ – is it already recorded?

D: No, no.

V: Indeed, our next album will be continuation of ‘Teatro D’Ira Vol. 1’, but we’re still working on it. We don’t want to record it in a hurry, we want to take our time making it.

D: We have a lot of songs already, but we want to have plenty to choose from. We want the album to have the most representative songs, the best ones.

[raattlebones]

The Schools and Desperate Rage

Storm : Rhymes fall short, where once was a tune now only is there thoughtless, growling syllables and hapless proposals to the great beasts of storm, verses held together by a popped vein and a prayer falling on deaf ears. Shapes and colors dulled to piercing and angry maroon, ideas tossed through the wind until they're naught but pipe dreams, desperately up against a foe who got under your skin.

Fire : One of the first and most important warnings given to Pyromancers is to not let your flame consume you. But it's hard to realize when it's happening in the heat of a duel. The incantations can't have but a crack in the grammar or cadence, yet when spoken you keep mixing the conjugations, not calling upon them for you but for us, and when it accepts your call it shall crush everything including its caster in a fiery grip, down to ash. A victory is had. On both sides.

Ice : The rigidity of ice. You can punch it but it'll hardly crack, you can burn it but it'll hardly melt, you can scream and cry but it remains. The thaumaturge relies on their prior knowledge, and when all they know is uprooted, they lose sight of the big picture, of all that the ice can touch. They give everything to the ice, to become the freezing cold, not realizing that they spread themselves too thin, shattering themselves in an effort to trade for power.

Myth : The Conjurer becomes too cocky in their power, for what can stop you if you can create from your raw imagination? How dare this belligerent put themselves so boldly at the business end of your wand? The playbook of monsters builds the most fearsome beast you can think of, but when it's true name is called and the adrenaline rushes, it's limbs and eyes become twisted and bright, running away from what you thought. The child of your mind rebels and it pulls on its connection until you see only that which cannot be seen - and you are blinded.

Life : The last resort is violence, and when a wave of hostility approaches quickly, you forget patience and the love required to breathe life into an empty vessel. The awareness behind emotion and thought must be carefully grafted from the song of creation, but when you forget the words you give it your own, forcing reincarnation and becoming a force of nature. All power, no agency, and your body is left without sentience.

Death : The necromancer's greatest frustration is the laws of nature. How hard so many try to bring back the dead, when the very baseline of your magic is the closure - and acceptance of the End. Trying to whisper away your foes' life to resurrect that which you lost long ago. You know only anger, you only know how to take, so much that you forgot how to give, to understand, to accept. Without that needed catharsis you continue on taking, channeling it into the void until you yourself get lost in the blackness, and it's left to those you left behind to find that catharsis themself.

Balance : Equilibrium can seem transitory and liminal, nebulous and hard to grasp when you need it so desperately to summon your power. It takes focus to see all energies and glue them together, and when the scale tips too far, you yourself become the weight that must balance it. Without that weight, everything breaks, and the universe itself cares only for self preservation, even at the cost of you. In becoming a sorcerer, you put yourself at the mercy of balance itself. If you lose sight of the ever-giving exchange, when you try to give yourself everything, you fizzle out and fall instead.

[veliseraptor]

I can't remember if anyone has actually asked you this. I apologise beforehand if you're repeating yourself. What are your three favourite scenes in The Untamed and why?

(Love how this took so long, mostly because I was waiting to get through all the listed moments in my rewatch. Anyway! It’s here now!)

Oh, fuck. 

Okay, I couldn’t keep it to three. I tried! I did! But I couldn’t. So here is a list of just general favorite scenes with the three scratched off. I realized belatedly that most of these are just painful because I love pain I guess??? but yeah that’s just who I am and I think I have to accept that.

Under a read more because Jesus this got long.

1. The entire scene at Nightless City culminating in Wei Wuxian’s death. Like, okay, honestly, if I could expand this into basically everything between Jin Zixuan’s death and Wei Wuxian’s, I’d do that, but that feels like too much even though in my head it is all sort of...one contiguous marathon of pain. But god!!! I have a whole thing for...characters hitting their breaking point, for breaking points in general, for seeing a character I love just...crack open, and that’s what happens here.

Like. Wei Wuxian’s been cracking for a while, and there’s a number of breaking points that kind of build on each other, but this is, obviously, where the real snap happens.

And on a narrative level, too, there’s the thing that...this is the point that we as the audience have been spiraling toward since first seeing the beginning of episode one. This is where the entire long stretch of flashback has been pointing - here’s where it culminates, where it falls into place, where everything circles back to where the show started and now you know exactly how it got there. 

Also I just. Love to suffer, and this entire scene is one whole long stretch of suffering. 

2. The golden core reveal. Oh man, I was waiting for this conversation for, like. Ever. I knew it was coming and I knew it was going to have to happen and I just kept being like. When will it be. When will it be and then it happened and god it was beautiful. Everything about this whole scene was just tailor made to hurt me and make me love it, from the confrontation in the ancestral shrine right down to when Jiang Cheng bolts in a panic. 

I hurt for everyone here. Wen Ning who has hit the end of his rope and is just fed up with everything. Jiang Cheng whose world is getting turned upside down and inside out and a whole lot of things falling into place all at once, his self-conception wrecked and his understanding of Wei Wuxian both opened and destroyed. Lan Wangji who is understanding what he missed and, I think, beating himself up about having missed it, and also the fresh understanding of just how ready Wei Wuxian is to throw himself under a bus for the people he loves. Wei Wuxian who doesn’t know any of this is happening but has just collapsed after running on fumes basically since resurrecting and is going to find out later that the biggest secret he’s been keeping and planned to keep for the rest of his life is now out. 

It’s just. Lord. It’s all so painful and it’s all so good, the payoff is so good, and especial mention here of Wen Ning’s done with your shit and I’m not taking it anymore face as he brandishes Suibian at Jiang Cheng not as a weapon, exactly, but a little bit.

(He doesn’t bite but he can hurt you in other ways!)

Anyway, this isn’t actually saying anything coherent, really, except just a lot of “ahhhhh” screaming about this scene and everything in it and everyone suffering in it and just. What a moment. 

3. The excruciating conversation between Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian in episode 48. Oh my god. Ohhhh my god. Okay, so, I’m always going to be a sucker for extremely painful and difficult sibling confrontations where everyone is spilling their feelings everywhere and it’s just a lot, and this was like. I remember on my first watch when this happened and I was like. Holy shit. This. This was what I needed. This!!!! 

And then no real resolution after, orz. But that’s what fanfiction is for. And there’s glimpses of the possibility, for sure, I Believe.

But anyway! And on rewatch this conversation just gets better and also more painful because of the ways that while it is finally a conversation that Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng have sort of needed to have for, like, ever, it’s also one that rips open a lot of old wounds and it is also one that involves a painful amount of talking past each other. 

There’s a long meta post somewhere (sorry! I never know how to find the meta I’m looking for when I want it and I’m lazy right now!) about how what Jiang Cheng needs to hear is that Wei Wuxian loves and cares about him, and what he does hear is that Wei Wuxian is, once again, cutting himself off, that it was all always about debts and obligations and nothing more. And what Wei Wuxian is trying to do is release Jiang Cheng from being tied to him by those debts and obligations, to give him freedom, with I think the idea of creating a clean slate that’s not tainted by everything that went wrong before. He thinks Jiang Cheng needs to be released, but what Jiang Cheng needs is to be held.

(Both of them do! Both of them need that! Both of them need to feel loved and cherished and these things also specifically by each other!)

And I just. I just cry a lot.

But it is also beautiful, in the way that it captures so much about their relationship and the blood and hurt and tenderness and love all tied excruciatingly together, the ways that they hurt and have hurt each other, the ways they push and pull, all of Jiang Cheng’s anger and hurt spilling out everywhere in a way that I think has been building for 16 years. It’s not closure, but it is a catharsis. 

And for Wei Wuxian - I think it has to be, on some level, a relief. Even as it’s painful, even as it is exactly what he never wanted to happen, the secret is out now and he doesn’t have to hold onto it anymore. They are both - in his eyes - free. 

It’s just...a wrenching conversation that hits, like, sixty of my buttons at once and gives me a whole lot of emotions. 

4. asldkajsldfkj the flashback to Xiao Xingchen’s suicide in episode 39 and what comes after, just go ahead and kill me now. Like okay it’s probably obvious by now that I live in this hole called “Yi City, my Xue Yang feelings, and my XueXiao feelings,” and during this liveblog I specifically spilled several posts and screenshots worth of them, but god!!!! it’s just so much. Like, the entire Yi City arc is messy and painful as hell, it’s just like being put through an emotional wringer where I hurt for everyone in it, but this is the part that is especially excruciating because everyone in this emotional climax is suffering so much. 

And, like. We knew where this would end. We knew Xiao Xingchen died, and a-Qing was just killed, and at this point Xue Yang is dying. No one is getting out of this alive - but we haven’t seen yet exactly how things closed out. And the answer is “badly. it’s badly.” 

Both of these people in the very bad breakup scene are hurting. Xiao Xingchen is in agony, his life falling apart in his hands - everything he thought he knew has been a lie, he’s been tricked, played for a fool. And the hammer blows keep coming. It’s not enough that it’s Xue Yang, that Xue Yang has been fucking with him (as far as he knows), lying to him, for three years. It’s what Xue Yang reveals about what he’s done. And then it’s what Xue Yang reveals about what he’s done to Song Lan.

And on the other end - Xue Yang’s weird fake domestic life that he’s gotten attached to, Xiao Xingchen who he’s come to care about - it’s imploding, irrevocably, in front of his face. And first he tries to explain himself, sort of, but he must know it’s not going to work; and then he goes back to what he does best and lashes out. You’re going to hurt me? I’ll hurt you fifty times as much.

I think he expects a fight. Or maybe, at most, he expects Xiao Xingchen to break down, and maybe he has some vague idea that then he can say see, this is what the world is really like, now you get it and rebuild him in some kind of Xue Yang-esque image (though I don’t think he really thinks that’ll happen). He doesn’t expect Xiao Xingchen to kill himself. He doesn’t expect Xiao Xingchen to die.

And then he doesn’t expect to not be able to get him back.

It’s just. This whole arc is people destroying each other and themselves body and soul, and this is the climax of it, the breaking point. And it hurts, real bad.

And as we have established! I love to suffer.

5. Drunk Lan Wangji, take two. All of these are like. “Pain! Pain! Pain!” and here we are with some goofy antics instead. I mean, the intro to drunk!Wangji is sad in the way that it has to do with what happened to Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen (and Lan Wangji’s always feelings about those parallels ouch), but then...I mean, drunk!Wangji is just generally adorable, but here he is especially adorable. 

Chicken theft! Vandalism! Trespassing! His adorable little smile when Wei Wuxian asks if he likes rabbits and he’s like. Yeah. :) :)

And then we close out with more emotions, of course. Because it’s not The Untamed without a little bit of pain thrown in there. 

“I have regret,” Lan Wangji says, a confession of fault, and of course Wei Wuxian can’t receive it, or won’t - and Lan Wangji reacts to his attempt at absolution by basically doing his usual “I don’t want to talk about this” routine of just bluntly changing the subject (in this case “going to bed now goodnight.”).

Also the entire bit where he goes from hopelessly drunk to fighting off an opponent and then back to hopelessly drunk, like. Even drunk!Wangji can and will kick your ass. 

And all of Wei Wuxian just like. Basically trip babysitting him? Gently trying to herd him around? The gentleness and fondness of it all?

Good. All good.

6. Qiongqi Path, take one. Emotional mauling! Terrifying evil flute Wei Wuxian! Dramatic face-off between Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji! The beginning of Lan Wangji’s moral crisis! (Or, okay, not the beginning but this is definitely a major breaking point for his worldview, I think, and where his questioning really, truly begins.) 

It’s just...a lot of good. Everything with Wen Qing searching for Wen Ning’s body hurts so bad. Wei Wuxian coming stalking back into the camp with vengeance on the brain is as gloriously sexy as that vibe always is on him. And the confrontation between Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian? oh man. 

Juicy. And also. Ouch. 

(And am I a sucker for everything about ‘former allies ending up on opposite sides and one of them saying something along the lines of ‘if I’m going to die then I’d rather it was you who killed me’ yes I sure am! I didn’t cry nearly as much on my third watch but this scene is another one of my points that I think of when I think of bits in The Untamed that make me cry.

And as we’ve established already, I just love to cry.

7. God like. All of episode 19? Is that cheating? But it’s all so good! We have suffering Wei Wuxian! Mouthing off while being tortured! The entire sequence of him grabbing the sword and that moment of choice where his life turns as he answers that question (do you want revenge?) with a resounding yes? 

Lan Wangji absolutely fucking up some Wens on a desperate quest for Wei Wuxian? Teaming up with Jiang Cheng? (Do I still want to see more of that team up in that time? Yes please!!) SPOOKY FUCKING FLUTE MUSIC STARTING SIGNALING EXTREMELY OMINOUS THINGS TO COME?

Anyway it’s all very “fuck yeah, this is all quite tailored to me and my interests, thank you.”

8. Jiang Yanli coming for Jin Zixun’s life. I feel like I should just link to this analysis of this scene that really breaks it all down in detail? But god so satisfying. I mean, Jin Zixun is truly one of the most hateable characters in this show, in my opinion, and seeing Jiang Yanli step up and politely and meticulously demolish him is like. So satisfying. 

The face of a woman about to murder someone. But with words.

I really wish we could’ve seen more of this Jiang Yanli, because before this point she’s all softness and gentleness and while that’s very true of her - this part of her is also there, always, and I’d love to have seen more of it.

But like. Getting it here? Stunning. Showstopping. Love it.

9. Wei Wuxian wrecks a party, but, like, sexily. I mean, he wrecks a few parties, but I’m thinking specifically of the one in episode 26 prior to Qiongqi Path, take one. Everything about that whole scene is gold top to bottom, but what really gets me going is everything from the dramatic entrance (I’m tempted to make a list of Wei Wuxian’s best dramatic entrances) onward to “sexy menacing countdown.” It’s just all so...I mean, I’ve talked about how much I love furiously angry and on the verge of losing it Wei Wuxian, and this is some prime that material. 

(Pictured: the sexiest way anyone has ever said the word ‘two.’)

And just! The tension of it all, how it builds and builds and builds and even when it finally releases when Zixun caves there’s still all this lingering “oh fuck! that’s bad!” dread...it’s just very good. 

And I also love it as one of those key plot turning moments where it’s like. This isn’t the irrevocable break, but it’s a big one as far as ‘no going back from this.’

And like. Not just Wei Wuxian, everyone else in this scene is excellent too. Just. Mm. Good.

10. Wei Wuxian is sexy when he’s mean and that’s just the truth. Which is to say: the very bad breakup scene between him and Lan Wangji in episode 20. I’ve read two different analyses of this scene, both brilliant (by @hunxi-guilai here, and @neuxue here), and I feel like I can’t add much to that other than to reiterate that Wei Wuxian is very sexy when he’s mean, and the layers of everything going on in this scene are. Ugh!!! So good.

(I mean, also everything that comes before, I have put myself down firmly in camp “Wei Wuxian is also sexy when he murders people, you go Wei Ying, murder people as much as you want, it’s hot.” And the hug with Jiang Cheng! (THAT HUG. IT IS SUCH A HUG.))

But the confrontation between him and Lan Wangji in particular! it is so fuckin good. Honestly just read the linked analyses, I’ve got nothing I can say better that’s not in there, just a lot of “ahhhhhhh” about it all.

BONUS MENTIONS TO: basically every time Wei Wuxian Yiling Laozus, “stay and die with me.” 

[eleanorbloom]

[OH] When You’re Ready Ch. 03

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything of the Open Heart World. The name Eleanor Bloom and her story was created by me, though.

Pairing: Bryce Lahela x f! MC (Eleanor Bloom) x Ethan Ramsey.

Word Count: 4.8k

Warning: Angst, adult language, and smut. 

Summary: Bryce has decided to let go of Eleanor because she’s in love with Ethan Ramsey. But a turn in her relationship with the attending might change Bryce's plans.

A/N: Thank you so much for all your kind words and your support. 

I have the urge to remind you all that English is not my first language so I apologize for any mistakes. As a perfectionist, I’ve been having a hard time trying to make this fic the more comprehensible as it can be.  I know my English doesn’t suck, that your people understand what I write (lol) but I’m sure there are some idioms or, I don’t know, the order of the words that may seem off, and I can't help but feel bad about it. Just know that this happens because I’m a Spanish speaker trying to write a fanfic in English.  

That’ll be all. Lots of love to my readers 

Let me know if you wanna be added to the taglist! :)

Taglist: @utterlyinevitable @binny1985 ​ @laiba-the-person ​ @choicesficwriterscreations @shanzay44

______

Chapter Three: All I Ask.

It matters how this ends

‘Cause what if I never love again? 

Eleanor walked into the locker room feeling her heart in her throat, a knot threatening to make her explode with rage and bitterness once again. When she reached for her locker, she found Sienna already fully dressed to leave Edenbrook.

“Oh my god, Ellie, are you okay?!” Sienna inquired as she perceived the mortified expression on her face.

“I’m not”

“What happened? Did you… Did you speak with Dr. Ramsey?”

“I did”

“And?”

Eleanor couldn’t help but let a few tears stream down her face, but she managed to avoid the sob.

“He’s going to the Amazon with the WHO”

“What?! Oh my god, that’s big”

"And he’s leaving tomorrow”

“Oh no. Ellie, I’m so sorry ”

Suddenly, all traces of sadness and rage disappeared from her. She wiped the tears off her face and cleared her throat.

“Don’t be. Let’s get outta here, I need a drink”

"Okay, I’ll text the others to meet at Donahue’s”

Sienna eyed Eleanor with concern. She wanted to tell her to stop suppressing her feelings, to stop pretending she didn’t care, but she preferred to keep it quiet, hoping that at some point she would explode and let everything out. Because she had spent all those weeks pretending that she didn’t care, that it didn’t hurt to ignore Ramsey, that it didn’t hurt that he didn’t care that she was ignoring him. Nearly five months of pent-up emotions.

 An hour later, Eleanor was at Donahue’s with Bryce and her new best friend, the vodka. Elijah was with Phoebe choosing a few songs on the jukebox to dance to; Sienna was with Danny and other nurses playing darts and Jackie and Rafael were deep in conversation at the bar. Bryce had noticed her mood but didn’t want to ask her directly, since he guessed who was responsible. Instead, he preferred to join her to drink, without judging that she was almost drinking the entire bottle of vodka by herself without any coyness, although he was willing to make her stop when it became dangerous for her health.

Suddenly, Eleanor’s face sparkled with fury. Bryce turned to check the source of her discomfort, knowing perfectly well who it was. Ethan was at the bar talking to Reggie as he took a seat.

“You’re so predictable, Ethan Ramsey"—She muttered as she took the shot of vodka in one sip—"I bet he’ll have a couple of shots, waiting for the moment when I’m alone, and if doesn’t find me alone he’ll just switch to some non-alcohol drink because he will have to wait for me until I decide to go home. All that wait just to cry apologies for something he didn’t want to say, but said anyway”

Bryce smirked as he heard her rant.

"Do you want me to leave you alone so you can talk to him?”

“No! No, please, I don’t want to make it that easy for him. I want to see what he’s capable of. If he’s just going to be a shitty wary that’s going to expect to find me alone, or if he’s able to get right up to me. Please don’t leave me alone, Bryce.

“Don’t worry, Elle, I won’t leave you alone if that’s what you want”

“Thank you, Bryce. You are the best”

“I know I am. Cheers for that”

They clanged their glasses and took another shot.

“Why are you so mad, by the way?”

Eleanor told him their talk with the details that only a drunk and upset person can do it.

“So, he’s leaving then? And he didn’t even tell you?”

“No. He didn’t want to tell me”

“Oof, what a douche. Hun, why do you let him treat you like this?”

“I don't know. I don’t know why I have allowed this torment for so long. But I got tired. I don’t care anymore. If he stays, if he goes. I don’t know why should I care when he has never cared for how bad I’ve been all this time”

Bryce looked at her with a sad expression. He hated to see Eleanor that way. Crying, hopeless. Suffering. He took her hand tenderly.

“Eleanor, I’m so sorry”—He said, caressing the back of her hand—“You don’t deserve anything you’re going through. It’s okay to be angry, you can’t allow him to treat you like that”

“I know”—She replied in a tiny voice.

“And you can’t keep wasting your time with someone who doesn’t value you, Elle. He may love you, but if he really valued you, he wouldn’t treat you like that. He wouldn’t let you suffer like that” 

Bryce stroked her cheek, looking right into her tear-filled eyes.

“You’re right, Bryce"—She stared right into his eyes without looking away, then wiped her tears with the back of her hand.

“You deserve the world, Eleanor”

She couldn’t help but give him a big smile as her cheeks flushed.

Then she turned her gaze to the bar and realized that Ethan was with a tense posture making glances toward their table.  Seeing Eleanor cry and be comforted by Bryce surely challenged his nerves more than he was willing to admit.

About fifteen minutes later, her friends began to return to the table to start the Karaoke session. They had fun with some of their favorite songs and other classics requested by other clients. Then was Eleanor’s turn to sing a song. She felt a twist on her stomach.

“Eleanor, it’s your turn, what did you request?”

“All I Ask”—She replied to Elijah, simply.

Everyone at the table stared at her.

"Eleanor…"—Bryce whispered—"Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Yes. I’m done hiding my feelings, pretending he didn’t hurt me just to make him feel the less uncomfortable”

The melody began to play, and Eleanor already felt her heart shatter without even having started the first line. Her friends stared at her for a few moments and then looked away at the awkward situation that was coming. 

“I will leave my heart at the door

I won’t say a word

They’ve all been said before, you know”

Eleanor was heartbroken and drunk, and practically putting on a show in front of all Donahue’s, but deep down her friends knew that that was what Eleanor needed right now, to release all her feelings in front of Ethan, though not directly. Because Eleanor had been holding back all these months, resisting love, the desire to be with Ethan, resisting the urge to stand in his office or his home and ask him once again to stop pushing her away and to be together once and for all, more times than she had already done. She had swallowed the love, the pride, the pain in inhuman ways. But what had happened today was the culmination of too many repressed feelings, and if her way of finding catharsis was through the saddest, cheesiest, and most heartbreaking song Adele had ever written, then so be it.

“So why don’t we just play pretend

Like we’re not scared of what is coming next

Or scared of having nothing left”

Eleanor took all the courage she had and turned her gaze to Ethan, who was staring at her with the most mortifying look she had ever seen on him, and she had seen plenty: When Dolores passed away, when he found out Banerji had a month to live. He was not holding anything, the pain, the guilt, the embarrassment.

“Look, don't get me wrong 

I know there is no tomorrow

All I ask is

If this is my last night with you

Hold me like I’m more than just a friend

Give me a memory I can use

Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do

It matters how this ends

‘Cause what if I never love again?”

At least Eleanor had a very good voice to sing the songs of Adele, so she wasn’t embarrassing herself too badly. Of course, she was not as good as Adele herself but made a few good notes, and the alcohol had given her too much courage to go for the high pitches, and the anger gave her too much feeling to sing with such a passion, that she astonished to all her friends. She was actually killing it.

-"I don’t need your honesty

It’s already in your eyes

And I’m sure my eyes, they speak for me

No one knows me like you do

Eleanor looked directly at Ethan again.

And since you’re the only one that mattered

Tell me who do I run to?"

The words came out with such rage from her core, that Ethan felt as if she had said it a few inches from him, and not indirectly through a song and standing several feet away from him. And he felt every one of her words, every look, every drop of anger and sadness. He acknowledged receipt of all this and accepted his responsibility. He felt broken at the sight of her because he wanted to do so much to ease her pain. But he couldn’t.

After the song was over, Eleanor returned to her place with tears on her face but not one iota of embarrassment.

“Eleanor, that was truly beautiful”—Sienna said, tears on her face too—"Are you feeling okay?”

“I’m feeling better, I think it took a lot of weight off my shoulders”

“That is the important thing”

“You were very brave”—Bryce said caressing her back.

“Guys, I just ridiculed myself in front of the whole bar and you guys are treating me like I’ve won a war”

“You did something for yourself that you should have done months ago. Show how you really feel”—Sienna replied, serious.

“Well…”

“We are proud of you, Eleanor”— Elijah added.

“It’s about damn time you take care of yourself and don’t let Ramsey do whatever the fuck he wants”—Continued Jackie.

“Even if that means to sing a sad song in front of him”—Concluded Sienna.

After that, Eleanor was in a better mood and managed to distract herself from all she had been through that day. However, the presence of Ethan, sitting there at the bar, probably waiting for her, was a latent nuisance in her stomach.

A few hours later, Eleanor and her friends decided to go home. The moment she passed by his side, Ethan got up from his seat and walked towards her.

“Rookie”.

His disposition had changed from hell to heaven. She was no longer Dr. Bloom. She was Rookie again.

“What is it, Dr. Ramsey?”

Ethan looked at her sadly at the coldness in her response.

“Can we talk?”

Eleanor looked away to the floor, anger washing over her again. Then she looked back at him, who was waiting for her answer with pleading eyes.

“About what? I’m going home”

“I know … I-“

“I’ve been here the last four hours, I’m sure you could’ve looked for me in all this time… But obviously you waited for me to want to go home to do it?”

Ethan knew she was berating him. She shook her head.

“I was hoping you weren’t such a coward and would look for me directly. But you behave like a shy teenager who has never spoken to a woman in his life”

“Eleanor, are you coming?”—Jackie asked.

Her friends were at the door, first-hand witnesses of her exchange with Ethan.

“No, I stay. Don’t worry about me”

Eleanor looked at Ramsey coldly. They took a seat in the back of the bar so no one could hear them.

“So? I thought we were done”—She broke the silence between them.

“No, we are not done, Eleanor”

Ethan lowed her head, pondering his words.

“If… If I didn’t tell you about my trip to the Amazon, was because I wanted to make things less difficult for us. The last time we spoke I made myself clear that we can’t be together not because I don’t want to, but because we can’t. And when I noticed you started to avoid me, I thought maybe you finally understood my point, and I was okay with that”

“Then why you threw all over my face that I was ignoring you, like you weren’t okay with that?”

“Because I realized that you didn’t do it because you understood my point. You did it to piss me off. To return the favor. As vengeance. So, if you did actually ignore me with that motive in mind, you didn’t have the right to reclaim something from me”

“I…”—Her cheeks turned red.

“That’s not the point now, Eleanor”—He interrupted—"What I’m trying to say is… You can’t stop saying that everything I’ve done it’s because I want it, that I’m responsible of all your misery. But let me be clear. I don’t want it, Eleanor. I don’t want to be apart from you, I don’t want to ignore you. I’ve never wanted to spend the last five months ignoring your existence, not be able to talk to you, not to even look at you”

Eleanor observed his features, tracing all sense of honesty and determination. She knew he wasn’t lying or playing the victim.

“I’m not comfortable with this”—He continued—"I’m not okay with that but if that’s what allows me to be away from you to not interfere in your career, I’m willing to do that and more. I know it’s painful for you, that it’s not the best option for both of us. But this is the only way I can cope up with the situation”

“The only way… Ethan, are you sure not talking to me, not even looking at me the is the only option?”

“To me, it is”—He responded categorically—Eleanor, what I want is to be with you. If I could, I would’ve never let you leave my bed the first time we made love, or I would’ve never get up from your bed the last time we were together. If I could, I would live in that dream all my life. But I can’t”

Tears started to stream down her face. Again. His words broke her in million pieces. Because she couldn’t stop reliving those nights in all these months. Now she was realizing Ethan couldn’t either.

“I need you to understand that I’ve never wanted to hurt you. If my actions have hurt you, I’m sorry, but I mean it when I say I’ve never wanted anything of this to happen. I would love to make you happy in the ways you want. Believe me. But you have fought so hard to be here, Eleanor. Years to get to be at Edenbrook. Years and especially difficult months to get the Junior Fellow position. I can’t let you jeopardize your career nor your reputation”

Eleanor was speechless. She felt dumb, like a stupid teenager that let herself go on emotions and never thought through the real meaning of all his actions. She still felt a little pissed off, because there were still a lot of things Ethan should have avoided telling her and that were mean. But everything else he had done was… reasonable. Fair. Thoughtful.

“Ethan… I’m sorry for yelling at you like that. I feel embarrassed about how childish I was today”

“No, Eleanor. I still believe that you have every right to be mad at me because I didn’t tell you I would be out. I always knew I should’ve told you, but I was afraid. I’m a coward as you said. I didn’t want to face this conversation. Your pain. But you deserved more”

Eleanor nod.

“Well, yeah. You should’ve told me. But I made an outburst. I didn’t want to listen to you, I was being stubborn just to get what I want, but maybe I’ve never really put myself in your shoes”

“That’s all I ask. To understand why I’m doing this from my point of view”

Suddenly, Reggie approaches.

“Ethan, I’m sorry, but we are about to close”

“Thank you, Reggie”

Eleanor grabbed her purse and walked to the door followed by Ethan.

Eleanor turned to him.

“I believe you when you tell me you’ve never wanted to hurt me by staying away from me. But there have been plenty of times when you have hurt me by behaving like a dick to me, unnecessarily. Because one thing is avoiding to talk to me, but you have ignored me, you have been cruel, you have looked at me like you hate me”

“Yes. I know. I hope you can forgive me one day”

“I could forgive you, but I’ll only do it when I feel assured that you won’t do it again and I think there’s not enough time for that now”

Ethan stared without saying a word. He knew he couldn’t promise her that. He knew himself.

“Well, I think you can go in peace now that we have left everything clear, don’t we? Have a nice flight, I hope the mission is a success and you return safely. Bye”

Eleanor started to walk down the street to get a taxi.

“Why are you leaving like that? You’re not even going to say goodbye?”

“I said bye. That’s a goodbye. Or was it too informal? Goodbye Dr. Ramsey. There you have”

Ethan took her arm, forcing her to look into his eyes. Hers were reddened, tired, anguished. Like she was holding a ton of pain on her mind.

“Eleanor…”

“What, Ethan, what?“—She answered as her voice was breaking. She didn’t want him to go. But she had to let him go. To let that goodbye lingering more than necessary would only do her more harm than it had already done her.

“Let me take you home”

No. She would lose her mind if she let that happen. But she wanted it so bad.

“You were drinking”

“I drank whiskey when I arrived, after that, just lemonade, because I figured I’d have to wait until the end of the night to talk to you”

She wanted so bad to be with him as much time as possible. But she was trying to respect Ethan's intentions. But… He was leaving tomorrow. That was the last time she would see him in god knows how much time.

“Okay, let's go”—She agreed.

They walked silently back to the hospital, where Ethan had his car parked. The journey was silent. Ethan didn’t even dare to turn on the radio. They were only accompanied by the noise of the engine and other vehicles traveling through the streets of Boston at 3 am.

Eleanor wanted to say so many things, but it would make everything worse. So she lost herself in the smell of his car. Every time she sensed that smell on someone’s car o in any place, it reminded her of him. 

She had always had a particularly olfactory memory, and although most of the time it brought her good memories of her childhood or adolescence, in terms of relationships it always brought her bittersweet memories, melancholy, regret. 

She knew that smell—The smell of Ethan’s car, a scent of pine and musk—, or his smell — a fresh citric scent—would only bring her pain.

Ethan parked outside the apartment. The street was lonely, no one could be seen in the distance, and the only sound was the murmur of cars passing by the main avenue. A lump wove in her throat. She was afraid.

Eleanor turned to him to say goodbye. She wanted to make it simple. She could swear that she wanted to make it simple. 

“Have a good trip, Ethan, I hope you get back safely”—She spoke softly as she hugged him.

"Thank you, Eleanor”

“Text me to know that you arrived safely, please”—Eleanor asked, looking straight into his eyes. Those sky-blue eyes that were always the beginning of all her madness.

Ethan caressed the nape of her neck with his thumb and then he closed his eyes while pressing his forehead into hers, trying to absorb all her presence, the silkiness of her hair, the sweet scent of her neck, the warmth of her skin, of her hands. Before Eleanor could pull away, he sighed:

“I hope one day you finally understand that everything I’ve done, everything I’m doing, is for you. Because it's never been about me, Eleanor. The only thing that matters to me is that you become the brilliant and successful doctor you really deserve to be”

There were so much sincerity and pain in his speech that Eleanor pulled away from him so she could see his eyes. She stroked his cheek.

“I know, in a way I understand it, Ethan… But I can’t accept that path has to be this painful… And so unfair”

“Life isn’t fair, Eleanor”

Eleanor wanted to refute him that in this case, life had nothing to do with it. Because life wasn’t being unfair to her. He was being unfair. But she was unable to say a word. She was mesmerized by Ethan’s look. His eyes that so many times had given her comfort, now they haunted her dreams, they didn’t let her sleep at night, and at that precise moment, was threatening the little sanity she had left. 

After a few moments, they began to look at their lips, mere inches away from each other, until they finally gave in to the inevitable. A brush of lips so satisfying and full of redemption that they sighed in unison, to come together again in a more intense kiss, capturing and biting each other lips. Ethan felt Eleanor’s tears stream down his cheeks. To alleviate her own pain and avoid a sob, Eleanor stroked Ethan’s hair tightly in the back of his head, intensifying the kiss even more, sliding her tongue in his, and all over his lips. 

Ethan didn’t have time to hesitate and was caught up by the same desire. Soon, he was sliding his hands under Eleanor’s coat, feeling the curve of her breasts, her waist, and her hips. It was a never-ending dance of lips, which was complemented by more caresses, and then Eleanor climbing on top of Ethan, straddling him with her legs.

On another occasion, she would have pulled herself together and walked away. But knowing that she wouldn’t see him again for a long time, it drove her crazy. And maybe not for a long time, but there was always the possibility that this would be the last time they would be together, that both of them would want each other. Because no one could foretell what would happen from now on, when both he and she had finally accepted that their relationship had reached a dead end and that it was up to Ethan to revive it, and he had been clear that that wouldn’t happen.

“Eleanor…”—He sighed, a glint of reluctancy in his tone. He gulped.

She ignored him and continued to kiss him passionately, as she began to move over Ethan’s lap gently. 

"Deny that you want this"—She whispered a moments later—"Say that you don’t want me and I swear I’ll go”

Eleanor pulled away from him and looked into his eyes. It was dark, but she was able to see the sparkle in his eyes slightly. Eleanor’s anticipation was stifling as she felt Ethan’s bulge between her tights.

“I want you more than anything in this world”—He replied melting at the sight of her on top of him, his arms around her body.

Without wasting another second, she kissed him again, intensifying her movements over him.

“Eleanor"—He gasped, feeling an electric shock down his spine as he rested his hand over Eleanor's hips, pressing her against his crotch, rubbing each other as their moans began to invade the car.

Suddenly, Eleanor slid her hand between his tights, feeling his arousal under her fingers. He went to her pants, unbuttoned them, and shoved his hand under her panties. He felt her wetness, her desire. She sighed.

“Ohh, Ethan…”

“You’re so ready”

“Yes” She mumbled.

Ethan tried to lower her pants, but he couldn’t do much, due to the uncomfortable position. For a second, Eleanor thought they could have gone to her room but abandoned the idea immediately. She knew that Ethan could have second thoughts on their way to her apartment and she didn’t want to risk the possibility to be with him. 

Instead, she returned to the passenger seat, took off her shoes, and after moving the seat backward, took off her pants and panties. Ethan imitated her and pushed the seat backward as well and began to unfasten his pants. Eleanor, anxious, unhooked his belt and pants before he could finish, and released his cock under the boxer, and lowered herself to slide her tongue in all his length, to finally cover the tip with his mouth and then go deep. After a few moments, she moved upwards, sucking him hard.

“Eleanor”—He sighed in pleasure.

The girl worked on him for a few moments, until Ethan stopped her and guided her to sit on his lap again. “Come here”

They kissed again, devouring each other, Ethan grazing her jaw, her neck greedily, while she was gasping loudly as the anticipation was taking her body, feeling his arousal right under her sex. Then he removed her sweater and pulled her shirt and bra up, exposing his breasts. He cupped them with both hands before taking his mouth straight to her chest and began to kiss them… and then to suck her nipples.

"Ethan” Eleanor moaned loudly “Yes!”

The sound of his breath while licking her nipples and the “smack” after his mouth sucked them resonated in the car, and it was just another source of pleasure for Eleanor. But there was still something both were missing. Eleanor shifted slightly as she directed his arousal towards her center.

“Fuck”—She sighed as Ethan was entering her.

It was a blessed feeling, although neither of them believed in God, least of all in religion. That pleasure, that ecstasy, was a catharsis after all those months containing their deepest feelings and desires, after reliving almost every night the precious time they had spent together and that now were long gone.

“Oh, I missed you"—He groaned, taking her butt harder, as he was picking up more speed.

“Fuck yes. I wanted you so bad”—She kissed him, tongues colliding, teeth biting and swollen lips asking for more and more.

“You feel amazing, Eleanor”

The noise of their bodies colliding filled the car, but they were soon muffled with the moans that each one was not able to suppress, in the face of the sensations that were overwhelming them.

If someone was passing by and they had caught them, they wouldn’t have cared. All that mattered at that moment, was the feeling of their bodies connected. The pleasure that one was producing in the other. The ecstasy, the madness of their touch. The smell of their bodies. Ethan went to her breasts taking one with her hand, sucking her nipples hard while the other hand was on her ass, gripping her roughly.

“Ethan, I’m close”

Ethan was holding back just to this moment. He grabbed her firmly by her hips and began to thrust her at an impossible pace. Eleanor couldn’t comprehend where all that sensations were coming from, how she started to melting so abruptly, because she climaxed just a few seconds later.

“Oh my god, ETHAN!”—She screamed as he felt her hot breath in his mouth. Her tights squeezed as she was climaxing and that was enough to make him cum crying out her name.

He saw Eleanor toppling over him resting her forehead into his. Ethan embraced her, trying to feel every inch of her exposed skin in his.

“I love you”—She whispered.

He tightened his embrace, just as he did the last time she had said those words, and Eleanor still couldn’t figure out if he did that to pent up and not say anything, or to catch some bravery to tell her something. Either way, she wasn’t waiting for an answer this time. She only wanted him to know, before leaving, that she still loved him.

After a few more seconds holding each other, Eleanor returned to the passenger seat. She took her clothes and began to put them on. He also fixed his clothes. Somehow, when she came back to reality, the atmosphere was just as tense and painful as before the kiss. Even though the orgasm was still latent between her tights, the fact of knowing that the goodbye had finally come, was shattering her.

She turned to him, look into his blue eyes for a brief second, and breathed:

“Have a good flight ”

And without further ado, she got out of the car towards the building. 

“I love you too, Eleanor”—He said just as Eleanor closed the building’s door.

 _____

Chapter 4.

[idgaf-what-you-call-me]

This is the first time, outside of therapy, that I am opening up fully my past, I ask that you remain respectful.

Trigger warnings: Suicide, torture, neglect, alcoholism, … a lot listen you’ve got to be well resourced before you read this. 

I know Dean, because I was Dean. I was raised to be “perfect”, I am so much like my dad, I didn’t have a childhood, I was tortured, I have lost time (dissociation not possession by an arc angel), I am fairly closeted, and I’m finally starting to get better. 

Ever since a very young child, I was raised to be perfect. To look at a 99 and learn what I got wrong before I brought the grade home, otherwise, I was sent to study. I was raised to not be heard and taught to stay in my room. I was raised to not show emotion because anything more than stoic meant that I was an inconvenience. I had “fend for yourself nights” where I had to sort out what I would eat for dinner, and at inexcusably young ages, 5-6 years old. I learned to shoot at 8, and was taken fishing anytime my dad went. I was brought to the construction sites, learned how to use power tools, and eventually had my own set at home. While I wasn’t trained to hunt demons or other things that go bump in the night, I was molded to be just like my dad. My mom wasn’t around much when I was a kid, so I idolized my father. He was like a god to me. As I got older (legal), I even would drink things that my dad approved of like scotch and I smoked cigars. Often praised, “that’s my girl! Look guys, my daughter drinking scotch and smoking a cigar! Where are your kids?” The validation was like a high to me. I was desperate for his approval. Just like Dean. Talked like his dad, walked like his dad, drank like his dad, I get it. 

I was blatantly ignored including being told that I was invisible by siblings. They would hold up a remote to me and say, “you’re invisible” and ignore me. I could leave the house and they would not come look for me. With my mom and dad often gone (usually working or partying we were quite poor), I didn’t have anyone looking after me since I was 4 so when my dad was around, much like Dean, all I wanted to do was make him happy and proud of me.

I was a closeted bisexual, who made so many gay jokes towards my cishet brother that I feel quite a bit of shame as an adult. I repressed every facet of desire I had for the opposite gender because being bisexual really meant that I must be gay. At least that is what Will and Grace told me, and I did not want to be gay. Things were bad enough, I didn’t need to add to my shit pile. By the time I was 12, I had no idea how to feel emotions and I had no idea how to love myself. Most days, now at 29, I still don’t know how to love myself. I am not out to everyone in my family. I don’t feel safe with everyone. All the gay jokes between the brothers, all the Dean is bi subtext, I lived a lot of it.

Torture can take the shape of many different forms but they fall under two umbrellas: physical and psychological. I was subjected to sound torture and sleep deprivation forms of physical torture that have lasting psychological effects. When you live through something like that, you don’t “rebound” in the traditional sense, and I would dissociate. My consciousness would retreat back into itself until it was safe enough to come back.

I dreaded Thursday nights as that is when it would begin. My father would bring home several cases of Michelob Ultra, from the store, and then he would start drinking. My dad didn’t measure his consumption in beers, instead he measured by the case. A form of extreme binge drinking that to this day I still don’t completely understand. While he would drink, his music would get progressively louder and louder until the whole house vibrated with noise. 

There are some songs and artists that I cannot listen to anymore. They’re not songs by Metallica or Black Sabbath, instead they’re by Credence Clearwater Revival, Bob Dylan, Van Morrison and the like. Songs that people dance to at their weddings, sing at funerals, and enjoy on a road trip with the entire family. They are generally described as lively yet not heavy, yet this music was the conduit of 5 years of actual torture for me. I used to say that these were my favorite songs, but it was a way to cope with hearing them at home, and then hearing them play in the car on the way to school the next morning. In my house, the music was played so loudly that walls and floors shook and overwhelmed my senses and ability to sleep, think, do anything but have a heartbeat and breathe. It would last all night. I never learned to “fall asleep” I would pass out. To this day, I can be desperately tired, and able to drive for several hours without being a dangerous driver. Like my body learned to ignore fatigue. “I just need like 4 hours every couple of days,” yeah Deano, I’ve been there.

I would freeze mentally. Almost like a zone out but on steroids. Then I’d look around and things wouldn’t feel real to me. I would look in the mirror and see a stranger. Now I understand that I had developed dpdr as a way to cope. I don’t wish it on anyone.

My mother? She would leave the house and go clubbing. My siblings were 8 years older than me and lived on their own a great distance from where I lived. Besides, I had school to go to on Fridays. So I cooked, I monitored myself, I had to become an adult. I didn’t get to be a kid. My catharsis was angsty and fluffy Harry Potter fan fiction. You can find it on FF.net, RandHrFan I no longer post with that handle. Dean’s were movies, movies that my dad, and I’d wager his dad watched. I also love westerns just like my dad and my grandfather, there is something about them.

When Dean cries and opens up to Sam about his hell experiences, I get it. I’m so proud of him for telling Sam. To some it seems like he’s closed off but he’s not. He’s opening up as much as he mentally can. And Sam listens. Just like my sister eventually did. When Dean gets mad and yells at John and Mary, I’m proud of him, because he is fighting for himself. He knew he deserved better and he didn’t let it go. Just like I have done in my not so distant past.

All the while my parent’s marriage was fracturing and I was mentally declining. My mom began sleeping in my room and in my bed, and I was basically left to sleep on the couch. On days when my dad would drink, and my mom would go out, I could get to be in my room again. I could be on the computer (laptops weren’t a thing yet) which lived in my room. I could connect with the two other friends on AIM, but the reality of my situation I couldn’t escape. I was isolated, didn’t trust my family and I didn’t know how to ask for help.

One day I attempted to take my life. I saw no value in it. What was I doing with my life. I was a broken human who didn’t deserve love, who didn’t deserve safety, who didn’t deserve well anything. So I downed a bottle of pills. I had an iron clad stomach, I wasn’t too worried about not being successful. Except, I sent a goodbye message to a friend, and that friend saved my life. He got a hold of my sister who got to me in enough time to make me throw up. (She was a champ at that, having suffered from bulimia and taught to throw up from no other than my dad.)

I didn’t receive help afterwards. I signed a paper saying that I wouldn’t attempt again and was taken home. (I hope this isn’t how hospitals roll anymore.) I left my house, I went to school out of state and found stability, created stability for myself. But my past still haunted me whenever I went home. So when Dean has a death wish, and gets discharged from hospitals before he’s stable, I get it.

My parents eventually divorced, and I came home to a place where I couldn’t live anymore for a solid couple of months, I couch surfed, and again my mental health took a nosedive, but nevertheless, I persisted. I got my head back in the game, and finished my degree. Chemistry. I couldn’t go back home, because if I did I’d be working for my dad. I couldn’t do that, it was too painful. So I went to grad school. I got my Ph.D. I began to chart my own path. But there was a rage in me that I couldn’t escape. I lashed out at anyone and everyone to hide the pain that I felt all the time. People were afraid of me. I was great at what I did but I couldn’t make lasting connections with others.

When I was 27 suicidal ideations became dangerous, and I got about as dark. I tried to harm myself, and wanted my world to burn. It didn’t matter that I was married, with pets, and owned a home. Nothing mattered. I finally had to decide between life and death, I couldn’t continue in that state. I can say confidently that I would be dead if I didn’t get help that day. I wish Dean had this chance. He gets close to this in moments with Cas when he is honest about his feelings and experiences, he cries, he gets angry, lashes out, but Cas is there for him. From someone like Dean, I’ll tell you Cas being present holds more weight than gold for Dean.

I have been in intense therapy for a year. By intense I do mean more than once a week, regular check ins with her, and the occasional group session. She sends me articles to read, homework, and we do EMDR work, emotional integration therapy, mindfulness, etc. 

It was then that I began to learn that all the rage that I had built inside me was hiding intense fear, loss, and disappointment. The rage gave way to tears, and the tears gave way to a new anger that I could make peace with. That anger comes from the person I am today. The person who fights for herself. Who doesn’t take shit from anyone. The person who says, humans don’t break, vases break, and I am a human. I see a lot of that in late season Dean. He is a fighter. 

But I am still the person who receives a compliment and shuts down, there is still a side of me that doesn’t believe that I deserve nice things, good things to happen to me, but that person is getting smaller. My therapist likes to hit me with compliments when I am vulnerable as I am more likely to believe them. I still react like a dead fish when she says them, and then after the session sob for hours over it. One day my head and my heart will believe the same things about myself. I would have reacted the same way as Dean to that confession. 

When the cards fall, I still know that I can depend on myself before anyone else because I had to. My life as an impoverished, unstable, depressed, neglected, and abused kid says I should be dead or amounting to nothing, but hear I am. I’ve now closely mentored about 20 undergraduate students, a handful of graduate students, and have helped them find their paths in life. I have taught nearly 1000 students. I made a difference with the life that I tried to throw away. 

I have come to a place where I can love my dad. He is sober again, and yes, my love for him does depend on his sobriety. When he is drinking he is not the same person. I wouldn’t call him an A+ dad by a long shot, and hell I am so much like him that at times it makes me sick, but I do love him. I have been able to forgive him. Forgive in the sense that I can make peace with what happened. It doesn’t change what happened or how much it affected me, and I certainly don’t forget, but that isn’t what forgiveness is. I don’t hold the rage anymore. The fact that Dean is able to is personal for Dean, as it is for me, and it isn’t some “family that is what you do” type reason.

I do experience flashbacks when there are fireworks, I can’t go to a movie theatre because of the volume, when people play really loud music in their cars I typically have to peel off into a parking lot and meditate for 20 minutes to be able to drive again. There are some stores that I don’t shop at because their music triggers me. So when Dean experiences those flashbacks, I get it.

There is a belief in the psychology that monster shows help us become comfortable with our dark sides. My dark side saved me over and over again. My dark side told me to be better than them. My dark side told me to fight for me, to adopt a survivor mindset. (If you can’t tell I am a green veined Slytherin and have never been sorted into any other house even by random house generators.) The things I delight in are a bit off color. I cultivate a poison garden, consume way too much true crime, to gore I say give me s’more and so on. Dean gets to experience his dark side, and he has to make peace with it. He makes inappropriate jokes, laughs at it, but he also does talk about it. 

This is the hard part: Just like Dean, I am also light. I love people (vomit), seriously though, they are more precious to me than any earthly possession. Plants bring me serenity. Animals are a comfort and companion in the worst of times. There isn’t much I wouldn’t do to protect living things. My motivations come from a place of love and a need to protect others from what I have been through. I know I can survive, but I don’t know if that is true for everyone else.

I know Dean. I was Dean. I see that every episode. Moments when he yells and screams for himself, I cheer him on. Moments where he tries to waste his life away, I understand, and am crying right with him. The purgatory apology guts me, I’ve had to make that apology more than once. The dead fish reaction, hell that is me at the end of a therapy session. I am here to say: Dean is not broken. Dean is strong. Dean is resilient. Dean doesn’t just fight for himself, he fights for the whole of creation. Dean is not a vase. He is a human. 

Oh and John’s taste in beer, much like my fathers, is crap. Don’t drink shitty beer. Also, I don’t drink scotch anymore. I'm a gin girl and I drink *okay* beer. 

I’m the same blogger who does drunk blogging regarding Supernatural on Saturdays. It is a lovely bit of comfort and joy for me and I won’t be stopping any time soon. We will get back to the lovely and light “Dean is Bi he he” commentary this weekend. 

[svvitchfoot]

“In the beginning, when God created the heavens and the earth, the earth was a formless wasteland, and darkness covered the abyss, while a mighty wind swept over the waters” (Gen 1:1-2). 

King. Father. Mother. Creator. Wisdom. 

Picture god. An easy request, a simple one really, with complex and varied results. No two people have the same image of god, even if they call god by the same title. Our images of god are reflections of our worldviews, our beliefs. Images of god are as varied and diverse as humanity itself, which is fitting if you believe that humanity is created in the image of the divine. 

There’s some images of god that routinely pop up in church language. God as King, God as Father. Images of divinity passed down for thousands of years. Before god was the king of a nation, before god was the father of Jesus, god was a creator.

Humanity was not the first of god’s creations, but it is their favored creation. Those god created in their image, they also gave us a gift. Humans create. From before recorded history, humanity has looked around, and created so much from so little. We create to express ourselves, we create to reflect the world around us, we create to solve problems. We create because it’s simply fun. Look at the world around you, what hasn’t been created? We build and we design and we tell stories and we make music and we bake and cook and we draw and it’s all an act of creation, humanity reflecting our own creator. 

The creator, then, is the most human of god’s images. Who among us is a king? There are certainly plenty of fathers in the world. But the one image everyone can participate in, is that of the creator. Remember being a kid? I remember my dad bringing home rolls of huge paper from work, so my brothers and I could draw. I remember boxes of mismatched crayons. I remember wooden train tracks laid out over the basement floor, or the bin of Legos spread out, so my brothers and I could create the worlds we wanted to see and exist in. I remember making up songs and singing along to the radio. I remember late nights around the campfire, passing the fragments of stories to create a cohesive narrative. Writing and drawing were always my preferred methods of creation, although I should practice drawing more often. The innocence of childhood creation, hopefully grown and nurtured throughout our lives, a reflection of the innocence of the creation of the world. 

Creating is not an emotionless task. Many of my memories of creating are surrounded by happiness. But we don’t create just for the sake of happiness. We create to express sadness, grief, anger, pain, doubt. We create to share love, warmth, joy, celebration, belief. Creation is catharsis, a method of facing our emotions and embracing them, no matter what they are. 

Creation, then, is an act of intimacy, an act of vulnerability. Baring our souls to others and hoping we don’t get hurt. It is an act of creating communities, and welcoming others. It is an act of reaching out, and holding on to the people who reach back. 

Creating is an act of humanity. Creating is an act of divinity. Ultimately, what’s the difference between humanity and divinity, if everyone can participate in the divine?

[brightengale]

♬ - A battle theme for my muse and 💿 - A random song from my playlist, and an explanation of how my it could relate to my muse 

RP Memes: Music Edition (accepting)

♬ - A battle theme for my muse- There are two songs that always come to mind but In This Moment. Metal just feels like the way to go when it comes to battle themes. But although Ali listens to all music I don’t know if I can coooompletely justify either for her. 

So I’ve settled on “Invincible” by Pat Benatar. 

Just for funs, the other two are: “Beast Within” and “Comanche”

💿 - A random song from my playlist, and an explanation of how my it could relate to my muse-   “Lover come back” by City and Color. So just picked the most recent song that had been on my shuffle. I could be really basic and relate this to Longshot but I was watching the video and it’s a single person doing some beautiful dancing in different locations that strike some really meaningful chords. With the idea of an individual in mind it made me think a bit deeper and instead of lover being another person in Alison’s life made me think of her first true love, which has always been music. 

I think about after the events that happened to her in SHIELD where Mystique took her identity, which no one noticed, and then used her body to harvest DNA to create mutant growth hormone (MGH). I always come back to this moment as such a defining moment in Alison’s life because it changed her in such a massive way. Not only was she forced to live through one of her biggest fears, someone using her/controlling her body and not being able to stop it, but its also became the catalyst of such deep insidious rage that had her seeking to kill Mystique in return. (And I know she stops short, for the sake of teaching her students to be better people, and maybe I’m just a crap person but it’s so hard to believe that Ali experienced enough catharsis just pushing Mystique out a window to let all that rage go.) 

Even after that we don’t see her return to herself though. She isolates herself and instead of creating new music, which is generally her go to in times of emotional turmoil, she ends up getting big into roller derby and choosing physical aggression as a way to cope. It’s not until Singularity, the A-Force group but especially seeing the alternate version of herself- Dazzler Thor, that she realizes how far she’s distanced herself from who she truly is. How much she’s let the anger and darkness take control. But others can still see who she is through all the bravado. She hasn’t really changed she’s just wearing a mask because she doesn’t want to be vulnerable to the world and people that failed to help her (since she saved herself and then people were dismissive of the pain and anger she displayed after it all).

So I kind of see this song as a love letter to her past self. A more open self who didn’t allow the awful experiences she’s gone through to dampen her light. Who was kind and vulnerable with other people but also steadfast and independent in leading her own life. 

“I’ve been walking through this old world

In the dark

All alone, right by my side

There you were shining

My ray of light”

[thepermanentrainpress]

TRISTAN RENAUD: 100% VOLTAGE

100% Voltage – Tristan Renaud Release Date: April 16th, 2019

Track Listing:

1. Fulmination 2. Why Can’t I Ever Be Present?  3. Please Don’t Use Me 4. Vulnerable 5. Stuck in a Loop 6. It’s a Beautiful Thing  7. The Water and the Wind 

From the depths of BC’s Cowichan Valley rises the solo career of Tristan Renaud, and the birth of 100% Voltage. Infused with themes of reinvention and transformation, Renaud’s debut LP is something that we can all relate to. After growing a platform through his band Catharsis, co-performing with bandmate Kyle West, he has decided to ignite his own personal musical journey.

“We have an energy that will be heard,” says Renaud, speaking of our new generation of change-makers and those of us who defy the status quo. He goes against the norms of the acoustic-driven atmosphere he grew up in, referring to his own music as “anti-acoustic.”

“Why Can’t I Ever Be Present?” is a song that looks toward the future, but with a cautionary tone. There’s a building aggression throughout the song that increases toward the end, with a much more static-sounding vocal. Renaud’s lyrics read, “The future is bleak / I am afraid / One day we all wind up in a grave / How the hell am I supposed to behave? / I’ll just try to be brave.” As young people growing up in a time of uncertainty, war, and some questionable world politics, this song breathes realistic fears and angers.

The fourth song is called “Vulnerable,” which radiates darkness in its lyrics and sound. He sings, “I can’t take the criticism that you bring to me / I can’t forget the feelings of where I’m supposed to be” – a clear nod to the judging eyes of our society, and the social and occupational pressures that youth are so easily subjected to.

“Stuck in a Loop” is probably one of my favourite songs off the album. I love the electro-symphonic sound that he was able to create, which aids in showing what seems to be sadness in the lyrics. Renaud sings, “I’ve been stuck in a loop / without any time / without any proof / I’m at a point where I have to choose / do I have a life with nothing to lose.”

He further proves his talents with the last song on the album, entitled “The Water and the Wind.” It is a purely instrumental song, and although it lacks lyrics, its chill vibe is beyond entrancing. Close your eyes, listen to this song, and feel the electronic sounds of the ocean pour over you.

The clever use of synth and vocal processing create a fresh sound that is both relaxed and chilling. In the past, I haven’t taken much of a liking to electronic music and/or heavily processed vocals, because it didn’t feel like many of those songs were using them for the right reasons. This being said, Renaud chooses to use the effect in a stylistic way that is creative, fresh, and lends to both the emotional feelings and lyrical messages in each track.

Written by: Liz Douglas

100% Voltage by Tristan Renaud

[weliketheiroldstuff]

Alexisonfire release another single and this one had me cutting a truckload of onions…

Photo Credit - Vanessa Heins

An emotional attachment to a band can be described as malignant, obsessive, and even dangerous at times.

I’m fucking kidding. That is not me. That is my willingness to be sarcastic and stupid. I love these dudes, and not in a creepy way. That’s what a normal person would say right?

Lol. I had to say it. I hope that made ya get the heebs for just a second.

Luckily I only really obsess over things like potatoes, sports podcasts, Rodney Mullen videos, Giannis, air-fryer recipes, weed, and ex-pro-volleyball athletes of the female Amazonian variety.

Music isn’t the obsession as much as it’s just a part of me. It’s inevitable. It’s breathing. It’s itself above all those things, even potatoes. Now that encompasses all of it. Because I try to have a daily playlist that is every song I’ve ever liked or added on the streaming service I use. I try to update it monthly with all new things added. Within the entire realm of music, out of all the bands, dj’s, artists, and producers, no other makes me feel this feeling. Alexisonfire came out and I have only felt this with one band. And it’s happened every time a release has come out.

Blatant jealousy. They make the music I wish people around me wanted to make when I was younger. More than any band I’ve heard in my entire life. They are the one band I wish I was in.

Sure, I hear songs I wish I wrote or had my hand in or whatever. But this is the only band that I hear and I am like a disgusting display of jealousy. They’re all such solid players but the fact that what they’re playing they created out of nothing, it’s just unexplainable really. I can’t, fuck I’m never speechless. I can’t describe it. I just know they make me feel something no one else does.

I admire so many different artists across an endless amount of genres and music types. But this was it. This is like the raw teenage kid we all were, being able to express ourselves across the spectrum of emotions. I see myself in every member of this band.

As a drummer, the obvious identifier with Jordan doesn’t even need to go further. Chris Steele and I (Chris Smith) share a name and initials and for my first birthday Chris was born, boom affinity. Wade, the reason I had sideburns. Closest to my physical appearance, lover of hardcore, stoner metal, and just a thick guys, guy’s guy. Know what I’m saying? George straight up, my anger. My stress. All being exploded out on stage. My admittance to my guilt. That fucking voice in every part of his range grips my eardrums the way a lady once gripped my throat, and I haven’t been able to wear turtle necks in public since.

And then there’s Dallas. This is obvious. It’s the heart. Unfiltered. Not worried about what my friends will think about me being a sappy emotionally loving caring partner or family member expressing how I feel in the most elegant of ways amidst the chaos of a feral upbringing and continued adult life of a party animal. Dallas brings calm to so many. I’ve met him a few times way back, I mean circa 2002-2007ish. All are very kind and appreciative of the people who not only like their music but can find catharsis in it or feel that attachment that improves their lives in some way. When you’re in a garage, you don’t think about that, but when it happens it becomes a thing. Like, people respond to musicians who are genuine. It doesn’t feel forced. It feels like it’s meant to be felt deeply and to be thought about and ingested not just have it be played as background music.

It in itself, Alexisonfire, is an experience. It’s Deftones. It’s Nine Inch Nails. It’s Johnny Cash. It’s Wu-Tang Clan. It’s Soundgarden. It’s not the focus of the masses. It’s the focus of the open-hearted. It’s the focus of the devoted. It’s the focus of the purist. The person who believes in the legacy of songs and the effect they have on those who get it. I can’t label this band. And I can’t label the previously named artists. They’re their own thing. That’s what drives me to bands like this.

2nd favorite band of all time. 20 years with these dudes in my ears. This is a “Happiness By The Kilowatt” level tune. The music and arrangement are fucking gorgeous. It is beautiful without even touching the vocals. And when you add Wade and George doing their lyrical wizardry and Dallas just doing the damn thing, running the show, the Steph Curry of Post-Hardcore. The rhythm section thumps through like the veins to the heart of Dallas’s vocal melodies. On top of guitar riffs that are just, mother fucking chef’s kissssssss. Unfucking real dudes. To know that these are a few different ideas that go back years is really cool too. Sometimes you work on parts or riffs and you just can’t find the way to get it to work with other things or the other members of the band, but eventually, something clicks. I love it. So I attached the video with Wade and Dallas talking about exactly that above. You can also listen and watch the previously released singles “Reverse The Curse” and “Sweet Dreams of Otherness” below.

FOLLOW THEM BELOW!

ALEXISONFIRE ON FACEBOOK ALEXISONFIRE ON TWITTER ALEXISONFIRE ON INSTAGRAM ALEXISONFIRE OFFICIAL WEBSITE ALEXISONFIRE ON YOUTUBE ALEXISONFIRE ON SPOTIFY

[mykingdommusic]

Decadence has a new interpreter: its name is HELFIR! 

Luca Mazzotta is the mind behind HELFIR. He explores his innermost essence and finds his personal sound in a contamination of Dark Rock melodies and Gothic Metal. “The Journey” music encourages you to fall into HELFIR’s melancholic world because the mood is either decadent and detached and you can easily get lost in the hypnotic and passionate music of this band. It will stand at the deep heart of each listener with alienating atmospheres in the best Antimatter, Katatonia, Anathema and Porcupine Tree tradition. We go to hear from his voice what is around HELFIR universe.

Hi Luca, just a few weeks and your creature HELFIR will present his new album titled "The Journey", the third album after "Still Bleeding" and "The Human Defeat". Tell me more about the efforts you had creating this new output of your career.

Hi everyone! HELFIR is a river in flood, like a stream of consciousness, so the creation of an album is a process in which I find myself in a state of ecstasy. Everything comes spontaneously; I feel a great sensation of pleasure when I experiment with sounds, music, chords substitutions and melodies. The technical difficulties are always in the recording such as the use of microphones, choice of guitar or amp, setting hardware and software instruments, but it is all solvable. These last things are fun anyway. Music must be pleasure and writing must be catharsis!

Do you think there are many differences between the previous releases and the new album "The Journey"? And what about the points of contact between them?

Still Bleeding was a dark and very sad album for me. In this first album, I brought out the most hidden and black part of Luca. The Human Defeat, on the other hand, is a beautiful album full of anger that arises from seeing what man is doing to nature and to his fellow men: destruction, violence, false Gods! It was a very technical album and very demanding. The Journey instead is the description of life. I tried to imagine my whole life and tell it like a fairy tale. Much of what I have written is autobiographical; emotions, fears, love are what I felt, what we all experience but often forget in the frenzy of everyday life.

Bands like Antimatter, Katatonia, Anathema, Tiamat could be considered as part of your influences. What do you like of these bands and in what do you think HELFIR is original?

Every person feels some vibrations of the music very close, very often they don't even know why. This is the magic of music! Music manages to get anywhere without an apparent explanation. These bands have always been my point of reference; they have a lot of restlessness, anger and darkness in their music and the lyrics they write. Their atmospheres captivate me and make me feel good in that world. HELFIR has many of these bands even if you cannot always hear them clearly. HELFIR, however, tells other stories, something that can never be the same as what Mick Moss experienced, for example. A big difference I see in HELFIR, compared to these bands, is the great variety of musical genres in The Human Defeat and The Journey for example and of which I am very proud.

You divided the album in three chapters (Chapter I: Lying On A Blue Lawn - Chapter II: Table Of Diners - Chapter III: Tree Of The Abyss). Tell me the reason of this choice and what they represent!

The chapters of life: this album is a reflection on the mechanical nature of life, summarized in these three phases. Each chapter will tell the emotions, the memories that begin to build, the loves and pains that arise and that we bury with difficulty. The Journey is the story of each person's life and in this album. I just tried to transform this wonderful journey into a story with music. I started with an image that made me dream of "Lying on a blue lawn"; this image, like a surrealist painting, gives me the feeling of innocence and lightheartedness, which is typical of children and adolescents. When we grow up, real problems arise! We are forced to free our pockets full of secrets, obsessions, and the atmosphere becomes darker and heavier as in a table where you have to face important issues. All this, however, has an end: we will find ourselves on the last path that we will walk in solitude, with anguish. We will no longer see the light, but there will be only silence. This path will lead man into the abyss of life.

Could you tell me more about the lyrics of the new songs? Is there a common concept between the songs?

The lyrics on this album were fundamental in writing the music, because each lyrics tell important moments in life associated with specific moods. The common concept is our journey, a wonderful gift but which also has many dark, sad and angry moments. We cannot imagine such a long journey without some obstacles. When we are born, it is all a game but the further we go, everything becomes much heavier. I used many images; I enjoyed building a traveler's story almost like Dante's journey (with so many differences, lol).

After "The Human Defeat" release, many things happened in your life first of all the birth of your first son. In which way this event influenced your music?

When I started writing “The Journey”, I never imagined becoming pope after a short time but this coincidence was magical. I wish him the best trip and I will give him so much strength to face it. I wanted to dedicate this album mainly to him.

With the first two albums you have toured a lot with great names (Orphaned Land, Antimatter, but also in little clubs. How did it help you to grow as musicians and what do you like that people will feel in your next show presenting your new songs?

When you play on the same stage with great bands like Antimatter, you live a daydream, it's a great emotion and I've been very tense. These experiences have made me grow as a musician because I have always been a great observer and listener and I have always learned from those who know much more than me. A musician learns from them what to do on stage, what to say, how to play and sing. Lately in my shows, I try to follow what I have learned from them, even in the details such as how to adjust the microphone or the guitar, even how to sell my merchandise! These tours have been fantastic and I am proud of what I have done.

You always give a big importance to graphic aspects and so the artwork. Once again Antonio Leo realized it for you. Tell me what is behind the lines of this new artwork?

I have been working with Antonio for almost 10 years and he is a very good artist. He knows my eyes well and knows everything I like. He listens to my music, reads the lyrics and after a few days, he comes up with many ideas and I like almost all of them. The images on the cover and in the book are fundamental, they attract a lot the attention of those interested in particular atmospheres. Antonio also has a dark soul so it is not difficult to understand the harmony that exists between us. Behind each of his images there is a very precise meaning!

One of the aspects that I appreciate most about you not as a musician is your ecological commitment. Would you like to tell me about it?

My job has been studying and defending the environment for many years now. For me, music and nature have always traveled together. I have always found inspiration from nature, when I take a walk or I see a photo of a landscape, immediately after I can write the music to associate. This way of creating makes me happy. Nature and music are my most important pillars. The beauty that we can find in nature is immense, we do not have to pay anything but we just have to look and listen to all the music that is around us.

Last words from you.

Thanks for this interview and good music to everyone!!

Enjoy the new HELFIR album at https://smarturl.it/HELFIRJ

[maxsmusicmacrology]

Calming Down

Life is fucking unfair. When injustice is committed, whether it’s against you, a friend, or even someone you don’t know, it’s a rational response to get angry. For a while, it can even feel good to hold on to the anger, curse out whatever is causing you pain. But people don’t act properly when they’re angry, and while it’s a natural way to feel, it’s helpful to release it from our bodies and minds so we can move on to something more constructive.

For a long time, I wondered whether it’s best to listen to angry music while angry or listen to calming music while angry. On the one hand, while angry music is best enjoyed while angry, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to calm someone down. On the other hand, when I’m pissed off the last thing I want to do is listen to something calm and soothing, and it’s unlikely to improve my mood. Eventually, I figured out that the solution is to start with something loud and angry, then slowly transition into calmer songs once it starts to get out of my system. So today, I present to you:

Linkin Park Songs for When you Want to Punch Something and Then Want to not Want to Punch Something

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7ziRTW8efxxIBlVwSv1Wjr

Disclaimer: while punching things when angry may feel good, it’s ultimately a harmful practice that trains your brain and body to want to hit things in order to let off anger. Less harmful forms of catharsis, like going for a brisk walk while listening to loud music, are much healthier ways to cool off.

Something in the air's not right today

I chose Papercut to be my first choice here because honestly, that synth riff is perfect. The beginning of the playlist is supposed to match the emotions of an angry listener, and that too-fast, vaguely alarm-sounding synthesizer that never seems to resolve and just keeps going creates the perfect feeling of tension that comes when something goes wrong and you cannot fix it, but you need to. Fast.

You’re gonna listen to me like it or not

Faint was originally going to be the first song on the playlist- I just love those strings giving way to the guitar drop- but Papercut ultimately won out. Faint is one of those songs that says what you want to say, but can’t bring yourself to say it. It demands respect, and for a moment it lets you imagine that you can demand respect too. The rap bit lasts for just the right amount of time before giving way to the angry screaming. When combined with Papercut, I think the shouting kicks in just when the listener wants it to. Or at least, when I want it to, anyway. And since it’s my playlist, isn’t that what really matters?

Digging deeper just to throw it away

I actually didn’t hear Bleed it Out until today, when I was finding songs for the playlist, and it’s kinda perfect? It starts out upbeat, but with the drumbeats just a little too hard. The energy keeps the blood flowing, and even though it doesn’t get nearly as angry as Faint does, the instrumental perfectly embraces the listener’s anger. The lyrics are fucking intense too, and their endless repetition empathizes with the way intrusive thoughts can loop around a listener’s head.

(Some pretty intense guitar)

I’m gonna be honest. I don’t really care much for the lyrics in Hit the Floor. That doesn’t mean they’re bad, I just don’t find them very interesting. But that dark, distorted guitar and all the shouting makes it a perfect song to walk around town in the middle of the night brooding.

I’m beginning to think I’ve been deceived

No More Sorrow is another new one to me, but the first minute those guitars hit me, I knew it was going on the playlist. Every line in the song is dripping with deceit, wrought in the throes of bitterness before leaving someone who hurt you. It has the same energy as Faint, vocalizing everything you’re too civil to scream at another person, this time cloaked with a guitar evoking the rhythm of a palpitating heart.

GO AWAY!!

A Place for my Head is my go-to when the “I’m so angry I can’t even talk” kicks in. It starts out with a veneer of poetry, wrapping its rage in metaphors without abandoning the emotion within. The harmful presence they wish to escape is nebulous enough to relate to but specific enough that you can latch on to how harmful it is. Then comes the part where you get pushed too far, and all the artsiness falls away for beautiful, terrible rage. I think most of us have someone that’s just so awful to be around that all we want to do is scream “go away” as loud as the song does. This is the climax of the playlist, the vocal chord-wrenching peak of wishing we could scream.

Fuck it, are you listening??

Blackout is essentially a microcosm of the playlist, and what I structured the playlist to emulate. The first third of the song drips with the same feelings of betrayal the rest of the songs steep themselves in, delivering its emotion on bars punctuated by shouting. Unlike the other songs, though, the instrumental is dark and slow, and you slowly realize that all the streaming and outrage is pointless. Then… it breaks. The middle section of the song is syllables looping and repeating and distorting over a very strange drop, disorienting and stressing until even that falls away. The final part of the song is when the anger all falls away. The distortion bit flushed everything out, and it’s calm now. Bright, electronic instrumental backs calming verses that can carry you up to the sky.

(Bright distorted music noises)

The Requiem is a strange entry, I’ll admit, and I wanted it as a bit of a palette cleanser after Blackout. Most of it is an instrumental punctuated with strange noises, clearing the mind and bringing you back to the present.

I’m tired of being what you want me to be

Numb/Encore, for something familiar after the strangeness of The Requiem. I’ve always thought of Numb as a parallel to A Place for my Head. A Place for my Head is covered with an angry haze and forged in the fires of anger, while Numb is more detached. Not in a bad way, it’s just that the singer is able to be more cognizant of the situation, and the song is a lot more sober as a result. The production is also why I wanted to include it in the post-Blackout section, this mix is filled with bright, almost hopeful little piano melodies throughout to help you stay calm now that we’re putting the anger behind us.

So I’m breaking the habit

Breaking the Habit was really the only song that made sense to put here. It’s not quite as calm as Numb/Encore, but thematically it’s the perfect closer for this. It’s about putting bad habits behind you, no longer allowing yourself to fall into harmful patterns. It doesn’t have the answers, it doesn’t know the right way forward, but the song knows it’s making the right choice, and that rubs off on the listener. You, too, can break habits that end in or come from anger. You can develop healthier patterns. You can move on from whatever it is that led you to listen to this playlist.

Sources: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evil-deeds/200909/anger-and-catharsis-myth-metaphor-or-reality - psychologytoday article on catharsis