#there's some serious trauma to unpack with them in my works

[tiredgayloser]

j2's dynamic in my fics when they're not being silly

[fritoley]

The Dragon Prince Thoughts 6x05 - Moonless Night

Previous Episode // Masterlist // Next Episode

Join the Taglist

Spoilers under the cut

“Oh, don’t worry about Viren, everything will be fine.”

Did you notice the way Soren hesitated when addressing Viren by his name? gahhh this poor man deserves happiness why can’t he get a breakkkk—

I wonder if they’re gonna pull some “Father-Lord” shit like Zuko and reference atla

THE WAY HIS FACE FALLS THE MOMENT HE LEAVES THE ROOM 😭😭😭😭

*crying noises*

“Oh, Soren, my son. Is that you?”

Woah Viren’s been in that cell for a while

There’s gonna be so much to unpack here watch

The way Soren absolutely refuses to look at Viren speaks volumes he’s so done taking Viren’s shit

And it’s the one time Viren isn’t giving Soren shit but he’s burned their bridge so badly Soren’s lost all faith and respect

Not to mention Viren took Claudia away from him too in a way

Lmao why was stella trying to steal callum’s book—

I wonder if Rayla learned that lullaby she’s singing from her parents

OOH or even runaan or Ethari—

Nah my bet is her parents

“Maybe I just want to see you suffering.”

Okay the repetition of the scene is totally intentional what are they trying to convey

Why does Soren keep going down there to see Viren when he knows all Viren has done is hurt him? What does he want?

“But with my eyes open, I also see… you.”

NO CUZ it’s the way Soren IMMEDIATELY starts crying when Viren says “you”

Like all he ever wanted was some form of acknowledgement from Viren his WHOLE LIFE but now that he’s got it it’s too late

Soren desperately wants to believe Viren but he’s been hurt so many times he doesn’t allow himself to

“Everything you’re telling me is… is some kind of lie!”

SEE THIS IS WHAT I MEAN

Viren has given Soren some serious trauma and self-worth issues, and even after two years of virtual peace, he’s still keeping it in

Everyone he trusted either didn’t care or isn’t even present in his life (lissa), so he always kept it in, using his “class clown himbo” facade as a coping mechanism

But now that his entire childhood trauma is literally sitting there staring at him he can’t take the idea of working through it all and that’s why he blew up

SEE NOW HE DOESN’T WANNA TALK ANYMORE

I wanna say he’s just not ready to face Viren but at the same time I don’t think he’s ever gonna be ready he just has to take the plunge

Wait is that Fen—

I thought he was with amaya in xadia

Did he get demoted lmao—

Wait does the standing battalion outrank the crownguard or the other way around

“On moonless nights you miss her the most.”

That is so sad omg—

Luna Tenebris disappeared centuries ago too so Esmeray’s been hurting for a really long time

Imagine that i could never 😭

“It’s the Corona of the Heavens.”

WAIT I THOUGHT VIREN’S STAFF HAD A QUASAR DIAMOND—

If all 3 are in the crown wtf is the stone in his staff

OH THE BLINDFOLD DESIGNS ARE LITTLE EYES I SEE IT NOW

OH WOW KOSMO’S CONNECTING TO THE STARS

Just like that huh

WOAH KOSMO PREDICTING FUTURES HERE

“But your path is… darkness.”

Does that mean callum is still on the dark path aaravos was talking about in s4? Or is kosmo just reflecting callum’s soul from his past usage of dark magic like how sol regem sensed it

Oh? Soren’s back

I wonder why he went back

“If you do not accept my words now, Soren, I want you to have them in the future… when you might need them.”

Okay nah this has got to be foreshadowing or something wtf is going to happen to soren—

Omg this was essentially a soren character study sorry lmaooo. I’m not too learned in trauma and all that stuff this is just my take on what’s going on with him I’m just really invested cuz he’s my bbg princess and i need him to be okay 💀

ANYWAYS considering that Rayla really connected with Esmeray in this season i wonder if she’s gonna have some plot relevance later on (i hope so esmeray is fuckin cool) especially cuz even kosmo commented on it and he can see the future. Soren BETTER BE OKAY by the end of this season i can’t take his pain 😭. And also i am SO EXCITED for rayla to see her parents again and for runaan to FINALLY go back to ethari like he DESERVES GAHH— 

But yeah good episode good episode 👍

[ofbreathandflame-archive]

Why you care so much about what feyre and her stans are doing🤔

you know, im actually very glad you sent this in anon, though i know it wasn't sent in good faith. when i say feyre 'stans' - i am being 100% sarcastic. my argument is that i don't believe the people who peddle the idea that they hold feyre to be first actually believe that ideal. i also believe they end up purposely derailing actual conversations about abuse, feminism, and racism bc they don't want to actual critique rhys, so they end up selling much more intentional bs to avoid the conversations all together,

as to why that matters - i can explain.

(1) i think a lot of people who work under the idea that they like feyre 'first' believe that a female perspective = feminist. in theory, i believe a lot of rhys stans subconsciously (or consciously) understand that his actions are villainous (to some capacity). like they do understand that there's only so far they can actually support sexual assault. i think a lot of people use feyre to circumvent this issue: if feyre agrees or even likes the abuse, then it cancels out the implication of the it. and this partially because the book flocks to do the same thing - it never introspects about what x character's actions say about them as a character. think about it - even if we work with the idea that rhys doesn't enjoy the abuse he put feyre through, going as far as to reiterate that he feels shame -- we have to question why the story responds to that with plainly stating that feyre actually enjoyed the abuse and/or felt genuine attraction rhys in those moments. because then it (a) removes the idea of moral-greyness; rhysand never has to reflect because the story always believes he secretly justified. (b) there should still be a conversation about what that means. the mating bond operates as both a justification and a rebuke of feysand's actions (c) it puts into question what the story is actually arguing about feyre's trauma from utm. if feyre always secretly wanted rhysand utm...so much to unpack there. we're not genuinely rebuking abuse. and that's fine if you're drawing a scene or simply entertainment - it becomes worrisome when we considered that there is a lesson being put forth.

(2) people who use feyre as the scapegoat to often time sidestep conversations. feyre's narration is only considered when it validates rhysand's abuse - other times, the idea that we should consider canon wholly (analyze the information we're given v. what we're told) becomes nonexistent. so even though feyre has reiterated her boundaries to rhysand (and even though rhys is already aware of those boundaries via his mental snooping), there still this need to 'hear things from rhys side' - even though we know what feyre choice would have been. we know that feyre would have never wanted that information kept from her. its literally been her only consistent trait- don't lie. and as i said in this post: even the act of creating the intervention undermines three books of feyre's narration cementing her boundary.

(3) 'feyre stans' often hijack the conversations; the conversation about racism (and rhys's absue) always stalls because -- AGAIN -- there's only so much analysis they can happen before you realize the problem is both sjm's ideology and her obsession w/ rhys. at some point they always end up defending sjm (and her racism and misogyny). there's a struggle between actual unpacking rhysand's action and what that means for him as a character. they do want to have the serious conversations, just not in a way that detrimental or all-encompassing. selective reading, plain and simple.

i also believe thats why there so much overblown hate for tamlin (that in my opinion, backfired terribly esp over the last three years) is merely insecurity about the problems w/ rhys's charcater. morally, there only so many conversation we can have before the weirdness rears it head. we can't argue tamlin is abusive and then in the same breadth argue for the neccessity of the same form of abuse. we can't argue that rhys is morally-grey and then ignore the greyness area. we also cannot say rhys grows as a character if we argue that he never grows from the person we met utm. we can't say that we 'recognize' he was wrong, but then constantly uplift those very moments as moments of love. we can't say sjm has racial/moral in her story and then remove how that effects more favorable characters.

[mazzystar24]

I think we'll get a will mention but Chris will still go with the Diaz parents in the end. But only temporarily. Like they'll want to take Chris with them, saying something about how they're next in line or best suited to have him or some kind of comment that makes Eddie go "well actually, no. It's in my will that Buck gets Christopher." But Buck will give Chris the choice of what he wants to do/where he wants to go.

And I think Chris knows that if he goes with Buck, there's too much of a chance of seeing/hearing about his dad or Buck trying to make peace quicker than either of them needs, and I think Chris needs to be away from his dad (the Kim thing + general teenagerness) so he goes with his grandparents, temporarily.

And Buck is there to tell Eddie he's not a bad father, he's not a bad person, he's clearly still dealing with trauma and grief and needs to focus on himself and put himself first right now. So we end season 7 with Eddie (somewhat) isolated, working through all this, figuring some things out, and Season 8 we get fresh start Eddie 2.0

I actually think that the Diaz parents WONT be complete assholes about it but I think they’ll like be a bit confused and like pushy with why Buck is involved like they’ll be very much like this is a serious private matter why is the white boy here again? AND THEN WILL MENTION - also adding this in after I wrote the second paragraph of this so this might be out of context but that’s another way they can show their growth like sorta respond to bucks place in the Diaz family in a way that contrasts their relationship with Shannon

Like something about these two pics make me think that they’ll be really leaning into their redemption arcs and just have them be supportive and reassuring- which if they do sorta show them earning their redemption arc more I’d actually be all for, unlike the Buckley parents who they just SAY they’re redeemed while never showing us their behaviour changing

Like the second pic very much gives the same energy ramon and Eddie’s reconciliation had and maybe actually that’ll come up and ramon says something about how Eddie needs to take some time not just for Chris but for himself, to see who he is outside of being a father, maybe even talk about his own faults as a father and how Eddie’s never not had to be in dad mode cos of him

Plus I feel like the Diaz parents having more conflict with Eddie would just give too much to unpack by the time s8 comes around if that makes sense

Also totally agree they should give SOME justification for why Chris wouldn’t stay with buck instead

And totally agree with the whole last part of your ask and fingers crossed that’s what happens🤞🤞🤞

[poisonousquinzel]

"the only reason Harley's called Harley Quinn and not Harleen Quinzel or some other moniker is because the Joker manipulated her into thinking the similarity in her name and the name of a specific type of clown meant they were destined to be together and that means she's intrinsically tied to him forever and can't exist as a character on her own because her origin is tied to him" ass take has gotta be the worst one I've seen as of late,,, like really can't lie it's stuck in my head lol 😭

i wish i could go about life misunderstanding characters this much and thinking that one who's been a canonical domestic abuse victim since her og origin episode / comic, who is partly (story wise) inspired by a real life dv victim who survived

In the afterword, artist Bruce Timm shares that their Harley was based in part on a real-life friend who was stuck in an abusive relationship: “I’m happy to report that the ‘real-life Harley’ did finally break away from her ‘Joker’ and has been happily married to another man for several years now.”

[Source]

is a character who's "girlbossified" when she's allowed to grow past and outside of her abuser himself,, and that that means idk writing her without him dilutes her character and takes away everything interesting and flawed about her? that she should never be written without him / without her world revolving around him, due to him being the catalyst in her origin?

The Joker's part of her origin because he was the root cause of her fall, the villain, the bad guy, the abuser. that doesn't mean she's required to be forever tied to him?

This isn't even a problem in the actual comics or anything. It's just absolutely 100% not.

No one even pretends Joker isn't intrinsically tied to her story, or more specifically her trauma. No one in real life and no one in their universe.

Tim Drake literally mentioned The Joker in like the last chapter of her (2021 - ) comic ffs!!! 😭

"Did the Joker make you want to do that? Do you wanna unpack that, Harley? Do you wanna talk about The Joker?!"

Harley Quinn (2021-) #42

But it's almost like people grow and heal and evolve. Her codependency and shit are flaws that are not permanent and are things she (can) and is working on.

She's riddled with flaws and they've gone nowhere! she's just trying her best to stay afloat and better herself bit by bit because she isn't Dr. Harleen Quinzel anymore, she can never walk into a medical building and apply and expect them to not know who she is upon a singular search in the system.

She's just Harley Quinzel now, she still has the skills and experience and schooling, but she also has a long serious criminal record, severe mental health issues and is living in a city that rightfully does not trust her. She can't go back, she can't get her old life back, and she can't go back to being Her, The OG "New & Improved" Harley Quinn who's world revolved around 1 person and him alone, because she would die.

He'd kill her, maybe not immediately, but he would be the death of her.

And she knows that. It's a lose lose.

The only real option she has is to lay down and die or to survive. To float and swim bit by bit until she finds stable ground.

Until she finds a way to live with herself again.

Harley's "obliviousness" is a coping mechanism that we literally see her dealing with since BTAS.

A warped world view that does in fact make her actions more complex,, and makes the aftermath / come down all the harder for her as she has to grapple with the internal traumatic response to Everything with Joker while also dealing with the world she's waking up to and realizing the real reality of her actions and the actual pain it left behind. It's literally been in her character plain as day since her First Personal Comic from 2000!

It's something taken seriously and something she knows, regardless if she even remembers the crime, that she has a responsibility to take accountability for. She almost lets Clown Hunter execute her because she was involved in his parents death, even though she doesn't remember the night, she trusts Batman enough that if he says she was there, she was. And she's going to own up to being there. She starts a therapy group for ex clowns post Joker War, she's become a (court ordered) professor and during all of these arcs Joker and his influence on her and her life are mentioned and acknowledged and present.

He's not been removed as an intrinsic aspect of her story, but he is no longer the center of her world and that is a good thing.

It's almost like character growth after 30 goddamn years is something that happens.

And! you know who else is intrinsically tied to Harley Quinn's character just as much as The Joker?

Poison Ivy and Batman.

Her three primary connections since the Beginning, since the original series that everyone wants to pretend was so so different about her than it ever was, was Joker, Batman and Ivy.

And a primary goal (Harley wise) for 2/3 people she's been connected to since Batman The Animated Series has literally been to get her away from the 3rd. They've just successfully helped save her in most universes now, even when she's the one who pulls the trigger in the end.

It's been over 4 years since I made this blog and I still cannot wrap my head around this fandom's deep seeded hatred and disdain for actual character development.

"Sorry", but that's just such a disgusting take built on misinformed foundations and idk a personal rage for bad guy characters not being bland, predictable one note entertainment for the rest of their miserable existence in comics until they're shelved for being fucking boring one note d-list characters?

[makeitastrength]

Thoughts on the episode??

Okay so, I have A LOT of thoughts, anon. And thank you for your patience with my answer. I generally like to rewatch the ep before posting my thoughts so I have time to calm down and make sense of things.

Let’s start with things I loved:

The accidental proposal scene. Oh my god. I could write a novel (and I might write a fic) on the emotions you could see in their faces in that scene! When Alexi said there was a scene that would launch a thousand gifs, I’m assuming he meant that one (and he was right)

The dance! I love that Tim came to find her despite being mad. And that he was ready to talk. And I will never be over the way he holds her so close and that they’re almost leaning their heads together as they have that conversation

Lucy’s I love you, of course! These two have affirmed how serious they are and that they’re going to make this work numerous times now. They haven’t actually done the hard work yet, though. I think it’s gonna be fun (and probably absolutely heartbreaking at times) to watch them realize how hard they’re gonna have to fight for it

Lastly, the writers are setting up a great storyline for Aaron this season, and I’m interested to see how that plays out. It’s clear he’s struggling but is more focused on getting back on duty than actually healing. I’m actually really looking forward to how that unfolds. I’m also glad Harper was able to see what’s going on and give Celina some guidance on how to support him in a healthy way, and that Celina was able to take that to heart

Okay, next up: things I’m a little unsure about. I’ll admit, my initial reaction to the lie detector scene and resolution of the chenford fight wasn’t super positive. With my rewatch I’ve come around to it a little more. Tim definitely has trauma and he’s definitely been denying it. Which is what he’s really always done, so it makes sense.

I think what bugs me is that it makes the issue seem one-sided when, from my perspective, there’s absolutely no way Lucy isn’t also battling some internal conflict about this. She knows he’s still traumatized, which to me means she has to be wondering how her going UC is going to impact their relationship. I don’t see how she can’t be also harboring some worries. And I think Tim was right when he said she was projecting. My hope is that they unpack her feelings about it this season as well.

I’m holding off my overall judgement until the entire thing plays out, because I know this was just one piece of it. They’ve set up a complex issue for these two, so I’m hoping the resolution is given the screen time and care it deserves.

But I do think Tim finally working to come to terms with his trauma is a good start. He’s come a long way, and you can tell he so badly wants to be supportive of Lucy. He’s trying SO HARD. And his admission at the end that he’ll work on it because his trauma shouldn’t hold her back from her dreams… I LOVED that conversation. I think it was so important for him to realize that and for Lucy to hear him say it.

And lastly: the one thing I still didn’t like after rewatching is the I love you portion of the lie detector scene. I just don’t like that Lucy felt she needed a lie detector to prove that. Maybe that wasn’t how they meant it. Maybe they meant it to be interpreted as her asking because she knew it was true and was testing the machine. But to me it doesn’t come across that way and it’s just not my favorite.

But overall, I thought it was a fun episode! Can’t believe we made it to 100! Here’s to 100 more!!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

This happened a while ago but it's been bothering me.

In high school, my best friend (Hayley) and I briefly dated after we A: realised we weren't straight and B: had romantic feelings for one another. We didn't tell anyone about it at the time, and due to the circumstances behind her breaking it off, it just. Never came up with friends. It was a little on again off again for years due to her issues around commitment and vulnerability, and eventually I put my foot down and said I was over her and just wanted to be friends, nothing more.

Around this time, a mutual friend set her up with a friend of her boyfriend. I was the last one to find out in our friend group that she was dating Tim, and only really because she asked for permission to tell Tim that we had dated, because they were starting to get serious.

At this point in time, we were all about 23, so it had been over 5 years since we'd been romantically involved. Everyone in our friend group knew we were queer, but we weren't out publicly yet, and they still didn't know about Hayley and I dating. But I still agreed because I understood her wanting to be open and honest with him.

Fast forward a year and Tim cheats on her with his ex-girlfriend. I won't go into details about how messy this was, because a lot of it is personal to them, but the relevant part is that Tim justified this to his friend group by telling them that he'd done it because he was upset about Hayley doing it first.

He tells them all that Hayley and I had dated, naming me in the process, and lies that we (Hayley and I) slept together on a recent girls trip. We find out because one of his friends is a mutual friend's boyfriend, and suddenly all hell breaks loose because our friend group finds out Hayley and I dated, and both of us are not only outed, but rumours start spreading about us cheating.

It's important to note that I'm asexual, and have some trauma around being discussed sexually that I hadn't fully dealt with at the time. Tim never apologises to me for any of it, Hayley jokes to me on the phone while in tears that it's particularly ridiculous because I'm asexual, and the two of them get back together.

Here is the messy part. I don't bring up how I'm feeling, because I'm more concerned about Hayley's feelings, for various reasons, and I have a very strong people pleasing streak that I also had not dealt with at the time.

Fast forward two years and I am suddenly unpacking all this trauma, while also dealing with a lot of personal turmoil. My friendship with Hayley has become more and more strained as we grow and change as people, and I begin to realise that we haven't really been the same around each other for a while now.

This culminates in Hayley messaging me one day to say that she and Tim are engaged, and I, caught up in what was going on at the time (and I was also at work), don't immediately reply - partially because I'm figuring out how to word a reply I don't actually mean. Except I forget to respond and later that night, she messages me and essentially tells me not to bother.

I give her space, as she told me not to message her, and then she messages me two weeks later angry about me not contacting her. I am dealing with a lot that I'm not getting into here, including a court case and a death in the family, but finally I decide to just come clean.

I message her and apologise for not responding sooner. I explain that I'm still unpacking a lot of my own problems and trying to figure things out, and I'm realising that I haven't been comfortable around Tim since the incident happened. I explain that I don't hold it against her at all, because I didn't voice any of this at the time, but it also isn't something I can ignore. I explain that I feel like we've both been trying too hard to maintain a friendship that just isn't working anymore. I tell her that I would never ask her to put a relationship aside for my sake, especially with our history, and I don't want to put her in an unfair situation by making her feel like she's having to balance the two of us, but neither do I want to put myself in an unfair situation by continuing to ignore my own feelings about him and the entire debacle.

So I tell her, point blank, that I still care about her, but we've grown apart, and I think the healthiest solution is to end our friendship. I wish her the best with Tim and explain that this isn't anyone's fault, it's just that we were already growing apart and with everything that's happened, I don't think that our relationship is repairable.

Since then, I've not had much contact with the extended friend group for similar reasons, though I'm 90% sure they've sent a gift basket for my last two birthdays, they haven't attached a name or said anything about it.

I still feel terrible about the entire situation and sometimes doubt if I did the right thing, or if there was a better way of handling things. So. AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[captain-hen]

hi im the og anon about the oliver interview — you basically hit the nail on the head. im of the belief that eddie has known in some capacity he has feelings for buck and just compartmentalizes it because he didnt think buck swung that way (until now) and even then just doesnt want to touch it because hes repressed and thats A LOT to unpack even if he is aware of it. i want him to just embrace himself.

i saw a different interview after 705 that lou said he wasnt sure if he was in any episodes past 706 so im starting to think that we might have buck get some feelings realization for eddie SOON and buck pining in season 8 perhaps. ik tim says he writes as he goes but i find it hard to believe there wouldnt be some sort of overarching game plan AT ALL for a show like this. maybe the way theyre going about it changed (i think having buck date another guy first is a great idea tbh) but i still think thats the long term plan

anyway i want eddie to be happy and joyful unlike past seasons (like with a catholic guilt arc i want him to just learn to let go and enjoy things dhshdsh) and i want buck to really work on himself because i think realizing his feelings for eddie will be the first step to getting off the wheel. fucking up means he’ll ruin one of the best relationships in his life so he really cant afford to do things the same way. and eddie isnt someone who would go there, so buck has to be

anyway sorry for yapping in your inbox 🫶 thank you for answering my other ask btw!!!!!

yes, everything you said! i don't really have a lot to add except that i think it's important that eddie learns how to let himself want things and actually voice his wants, so i'd genuinely like to see him let go of the pressures of dating seriously with a specific goal in mind (finding a co-parent, etc) and see him kinda casually date around, actually figure out what he likes or wants in a relationship, etc. meanwhile buck can do some serious self-reflection while being single. (this isn't to say that i think both of them should be magically fixed from all their traumas, etc before they get together—that's never gonna happen, and saying something like that has some very messed up implications. but i do think there are a certain number of things they need to do first before being ready for a relationship with *each other* so that it doesn't implode in their faces.)

and feel free to yap in my inbox at any time ajsksksd

[wellspokenrambler]

Rambler @ PAX East 2024

Hi folks! I just got back from PAX East over the weekend and, while I didn't really take part in the Expo Hall besides a couple of stalls, I did go to a decent number of panels - and thought it was worth writing up my thoughts on each of them. The only thing I love more than playing video games is hearing people talk about video games!

(I didn't take notes while I was there so this will be certainly more of a "vibes"-based assessment and why each one appealed to me personally, so apologies if you came here looking for a more objective description of each panel! I'll put links to the VOD of each panel where available)

Panels and thoughts below the read-more (it's long as heck! get ready):

Metroid: A Community Retrospective and Look Toward the Future

Having only played Metroid Prime 3: Corruption and Metroid: Dread in my time, I wouldn't call myself a hardcore fan - but they are both games I've really enjoyed, and Samus Aran's pivotal positioning as a female character in video gaming history is always fascinating to me, so I had to check this one out.

It's so surreal to see the ways that a community like this had to adapt to long "dry spells" without any official new material for their fandom, and the joy that follows when something like Dread comes along to reaffirm their love for it. I don't know that I learned anything new from this panel myself, but it was still heartening to hear the panellists' clear passion for the games, and it does make me want to dip my toes into other Metroids (at the very least, the other two Prime games!)

Unlocking the Positive Potential of Gaming for Kids and Teens

I hadn't originally planned to go to this one, but met two of the panellists (Dr. David Bickham and Sam Schamm, MA) while eating brunch by the food trucks, and hearing them briefly discuss the subject matter fascinated me enough that I decided to pop along to it.

This was a deeply insightful panel on the ways that gaming can meaningfully help young people and foster their learning, agency, critical thinking, and other useful life skills - as well as thoughts on how to help them through the risks associated with gaming such as toxic multiplayer communities or, for want of a better word, the addictive potential of gaming. Having previously worked in a job which involved helping teenagers make informed decisions about their futures myself, it meant a lot to me to see serious academic thought being given to the subject given how prevalent gaming is as part of a child's social life these days. Excellent panel!

Mental Health and Gaming - Creating a Safe Space for Yourself and Others

While a difficult topic, I am nevertheless glad that I went to this panel as it covered the way that streamers and other "community figures" can navigate the creation of a safe space in the form of their community while also maintaining effective boundaries within that space. Of particular interest to me was reframing some of the language that often gets used in this context e.g. "trauma-dumping" and unpacking our own biases when dealing with uncomfortable situations.

If I had any minor criticisms of the panel, it would be that some of the suggestions occasionally felt like they veered a little too far into the side of... I guess trying to fix the lives of strangers? Now, in the interests of fairness I shall state my own biases that lead to this feeling, because it is not that I do not care about what happens to people: it is precisely because I've had to manage my own proclivity towards hyper-empathy in the past that I tend to take a step back from my emotions on that regard these days. Caring is good, but caring to the point of self-destruction helps no-one, and that to me feeds into what the panel was saying about boundary maintenance.

My own community is a small handful of regulars and a couple of hundred followers so this has not been something I need to worry about yet, but the panel has hopefully given me some tools with which to manage those situations if they ever arise, and for that I am thankful.

How Our Favorite Characters Have Real World Impacts on Us: A Look into Fictional Characters and ParaSocial Relationships

FASCINATING panel. I originally went to this because of my memories of being in the Gorillaz fandom and the weird and wonderful (and sometimes ugly) ways people interacted with the idea of the fictional band members in that space... But the conversation proved to cover a broad spectrum both of what constitutes a parasocial relationship AND what constitutes a fictional character; the panellists made the case that the personas of content creators and streamers themselves counted as fictional characters, and I think they are absolutely bang-on with that.

From my end as a Z-list Player of Games Online, even I am presenting a more polished version of myself there than I would have in the rest of my life - it's not "not me", but it's certainly not all of me, and that is enough to make "Well-Spoken Rambler" a somewhat distinct entity from the person who portrays them.

The inclusion of internet personalities into their definition ALSO meant, however, that at the Q&A I got to name-drop one of my favourite journal articles that I've read this year: The one-and-a-half sided parasocial relationship: The curious case of live streaming. This article holds deeply interesting connotations to me because of what it implies about the "half" of the one-and-a-half... which is that of course, behind the fiction of a "creator" is the person who creates, and that person is just as capable of developing fictionalised ideas of the people in their community (though with a more removed and likely self-aware perspective on it). The panellists had heard of the article and mentioned it was on their to-read list, but agreed it tied in well with the themes of the panel!

(... And yet the reason I was able to re-find the article so quickly is because I had linked it to a creator in a Patreon Direct Message a couple months ago because I thought it would be interesting to them... The irony is not lost on me. More on that later.)

Debate Club with Mari and PeeGTV

This was just a fun old time! I wasn't familiar with Mari or PG before watching this panel, but they have such a fun rapport here that I want to try and watch them more regularly now that I know of them. Jenna Stoeber acted as a firm but fair adjudicator of the panel - and I am definitely not just saying that because she is a recent convert to the Rambler channel and was pleasant and kind when we bumped into each other on the expo floor. She did a great job letting both sides of the debate (Millennial horror vs Gen Z horror) shine. If you listen closely around the 34 minute mark, you may hear a familiar little British voice raise a point about how you can't judge a horror by its synopsis!

Thinking Differently Together: Neurodivergence & Gaming

Folks... I am so so glad that there is a much greater emphasis on self-advocacy these days than there used to be. Look! Look at all those ND creators talking about their experiences and being listened to!! Look how it has a VOD so I can just link it and you can all see it too!!! Conversations like this one in a major event like PAX are a hopeful sign to me that progress is being fought for and won.

Only minor critiques for this one are:

could have used some discussion about more than just the usual ADHD/autism bracket that is discussed when it comes to neurodiversity (but then I think that about most ND discussions)

would personally have liked some chat about accessibility concerns while creating/streaming and neurodivergent (e.g. personally had to tweak my lighting because it was overstimulating me while I streamed)

Otherwise great panel!

Bridging the Gender Gap (13+)

Another great panel for encouraging diversity in the games industry - I appreciated the intersectionality of this one as well as the honest discussions about the ways in which things still need to be made *considerably* better throughout all corners of gaming. The panel also discusses actionable steps which could be taken to improve on these issues.

Surprised at myself for not having much to say about this one! I just think the panellists did a really good and succinct job at talking about the subject.

A Hunter's Dream: Bloodborne and Transness

I enjoyed this panel a whole lot - Having watched a playthrough of Bloodborne last year, hearing two trans women discussing the different trans allegories and interpretation of the characters and themes and lore of the game felt absolutely correct, even if it wasn't "canon".

If one was being pedantic one could call this the least polished of the panels I went to, but I honestly don't think that matters tremendously because both panellists were so utterly sincere about what they were covering that it carried the panel. You could easily tell just how much the subject matter meant to the two and it in turn meant a lot to me that they were willing to share it with a bunch of strangers as we were.

And then...

Um, Actually: The Panel

Hoooooo boy.

So remember earlier when I mentioned the irony of using Patreon DMs to grab an article about nonstandard parasocial interactions?

[ID: a meme image of Morpheus from the Matrix saying "What if I told you the guy I sent that article to is at a PAX East panel"]

So of course the panel for the Dropout show Um, Actually was being hosted by its two new presenters, Ify Nwadiwe and Brian David Gilbert:

Ify had been a wonderful host so far, and I really enjoy his work in general (especially his stint recently on Very Important People), so I was looking forward to meeting him.

...And then there's Brian, who has been streaming on Twitch for just under the past four years and who in that time has been subject to hundreds of my fun facts, insightful commentaries, and helpful actions (which he very much appreciated). That, alongside regularly taking part in Patreon livestreams, has led to a strange situation where I would not consider us friends, but we... don't not know each other? but we also don't know each other? Which is why the "one-and-a-half-sided" description in that article and the panel about parasocialness appealed to me (and why I sent the article to him too).

So of course when this panel got announced I wasn't gonna miss it. I really enjoyed what I've seen of Ify's hosting and Brian's fact-finding so far, and I wasn't gonna miss the chance to see the two chat about it - nor to potentially meet the guy who helped me raise £500 for ASAN last year.

But, turns out I wasn't the only one enthused by the panel, because it was Absolutely Rammed, like, an hour and a half before the panel started. I got lucky in that I managed to end up somewhere in the middle of the pack and got into the panel at all, but good grief did it remind me how I don't do well in crowds (even well-managed crowds, thank you PAX Enforcers xx).

It caused me to reflect a lot on the perceived casualness with which I interacted with Brian on Twitch versus the material reality of the level of interest from a LOT of people which he manages. It's the kind of thing which makes me wish to never become famous, because I don't know that I'd have it in me to manage that level of attention from everyone - even the very occasional instance of people recognising me online FROM Brian's streams and acting like it's a big deal always throws me off a bit (this has happened to me several times, I'm not even kidding!)

But then of course the Enforcers got us all in neatly and sweetly, and the panel was a delight! It was fun to hear Ify and Brian (and Jenna!!) talk about working on the show and the kinds of things they enjoyed putting in and what to expect next - such as another new season after the current one, as it deserves.

There was also a live session of Um, Actually questions which was at the time enjoyable, but since then numerous allegations of cheating and defamation have come to light against one of the participants, Gabe Hicks, and it is disheartening that something as grievous as this could have been going on that very weekend. I hope that justice and reparations can be made for the people affected by this, and I am going to move on out of courtesy to those involved.

After the panel, a meet-and-greet line formed for both Ify and Brian outside of the theatre and I was able to join it - it also felt important to me that I follow the proper procedures and not assume any privileges, since I know full well how that kind of thing can read and wanted to put my best foot forward, so to speak.

The play-by-play of our eventual meeting is as follows:

I greeted Ify first on purpose to let him know that he was doing a great job as the new Um, Actually host and I liked him in VIP

I then went to greet Brian, but at that point he had very blatantly already cottoned onto who I was and seemed very enthusiastic that I was there. I didn't feel any sense of star-struckedness, it was more like that sense of when you talk to someone online and then meet them in person - surreal, but not stressful.

Jenna took that moment to gently interrupt so she could rendezvous with the two men before the line ended - seemingly because of our vague familiarity and prior assumption of goodwill on our parts

I made sure to pass along some greetings from a few Discord servers formed around Brian's Twitch streams I was in, which Brian appreciated, and gave him a small gift which I brought with me - a small bottle of vivid iridescent nail polish (Ciaté London's "Forbidden Fruit", sadly out of production now), since nail painting and structural colour is somewhat of a shared interest of ours

Brian made sure to specifically compliment me on my shirt, to which I admitted the reason I wore it was because I knew Brian was the only person there who would appreciate it fully: it was from a game of Tee KO we played on Patreon at the end of 2022, which Brian won using a VERY existential t-shirt illustrated by myself:

(sidenote, after repeated success with these silly skeletons in subsequent games of Tee KO, I am very close to just selling my own legally-distinct skeleton shirt if I ever have a merch page)

Finally, I asked if we three could cap off the meeting with a video'd selfie, to which they graciously obliged me:

Having filmed what can only be described as a Cannes-worthy masterpiece, I said my goodbyes to them and made my way to the next panel...

The PAX Panel Show

...Which was just in the same theatre as the last panel, and with Jenna hosting and Brian on the panel. What a glorious event! I am so sad this one didn't get recorded - a truly deranged set of questions, including Portmantoad (guessing which video games have had their names spliced together based on the description of the resulting fusion), Ornstein and Sullivan (guessing whether a named character was from a Fromsoft game or from an opera), and a whole bunch of real-world questions about farming?? Joke's on all these city-slicker panellists, I grew up on a smallholding! So I was... actually no better at those farm questions than them. I can't tell you about industrial farming practices, but I can tell you how to hold a chicken! (gently, like a big hamburger).

After the panel, I approached Jenna one last time at the con and suggested that, given the inherent strangeness of our interactions (wherein we have become Twitch mutuals but still at best distant acquaintances) it would be funny if we took a selfie but made out like she was "the fan". She saw the funny side of it:

[ID: a tweet by Well-Spoken Rambler @wellspokentweet reading "Always a pleasure to meet a fan, @the_jenna", below which is a selfie featuring Well-Spoken Rambler and Jenna Stoeber. A reply from Jenna beneath this reads "HONORED TO MEET YOU, BIG FAN <3" in all-caps.]

Play What You Don't Know with DesiQuest

This was my last panel of PAX, and a bit of a last-minute wildcard! After relaying the above events to my good friend Hamish, he told me that his friend Omar would be doing a panel the following day, and that I should go and see it. And I am very glad I did!

It was really heartening to learn that a podcast like DesiQuest exists - a D&D actual play featuring an all-South-Asian cast and touching on the disparate cultures and themes that connect with them and their audience. As someone who is of Sri Lankan descent but without the cultural upbringing, it's something that appeals to me personally as another way to try and reconnect with that heritage. Definitely catching up on this one over the week!

I also got to say hi to Omar from Hamish, and it was a nice bonding moment cut short by my having to BOOK IT to a water taxi and conclude my time in Boston for good.

...

Phew!

Well, thanks for reading all of that if you did! It was a weekend that was at once fun, interesting, and thought-provoking. I still don't consider myself someone who seeks out big events, but being much more free and able to take part in those kinds of things now is super refreshing and I hope at some point (though not in the immediate future, boy was that expensive) I will be able to go again! Or at least do other events like that. Possibly something a bit quieter, but conventions don't usually run in flavours of "quiet", haha. Perhaps next time I'll bring business cards to recklessly self-promote better with.

See you around!

-Rambler

[tiffanylamps]

🔥🔥🔥🔥 of course, some beyond evil hot takes 🔥🔥🔥🔥 but also, what is some controversial opinion that you have about something entirely mundane :^0

ask me ask me ask me baby (Disclaimer: I started writing this, then had dinner, watched an episode of Bros on Foot, then had a shower and now I'm pretty exhausted (thanks rona + bad health). So my answers may seem a lil disorganised... they most likely are) Oh, gosh. I don't think I have that many opinions that are actually controversial when discussing be. But I shall still give it a go. I going to put a break here 'cause I really didn't know when to shut up. Also, sorry Iva but I feel like my answers are things we've already spoken about. So, I don't think any of this is new information to you 😩 TL;DR: Dong Sik and Joo Won shouldn't be represented by one aspect of their character. They're more complicated than that. (Including a mundane opinion at the end) (please excuse any weird funny business in this post (writing, grammar, spelling, clarity), we're trying our best here at Lamps HQ)

i. We as a fandom baby Dong Sik too much. I love Dong Sik. I adore him. He has seen and experienced far too many traumas, and I want nothing but good things for him in his future. What happened to him and his family when he was 20 was a tragedy that could have been avoided if the system (which should be in place to aid victims) wasn't systemically corrupt. He was beaten by police officers whilst in custody. He was framed and belittled, degraded, and humiliated. (the trauma he experienced is so layered and would take a lifetime for him to unpack and get closure from).

It almost completely ruined his life and future prospects, and it would have been done if Nam Sang Bae hadn't come in with his lvl 100 guilt and tried to make up for his actions. Dong Sik tried to make the best out of the awful circumstances that befell him and I sincerely admire him. Not everyone is as kind and loving as Dong Sik.... But but but... Buuuuut that doesn't absolve him of his actions. He murdered someone with his bare hands and allowed the system that was once put against him to be used in his favour.

Police officers shouldn't be murdering civilians. full stop. Yes, he was emotionally compromised- technically it could be seen as self-defence, but an unconvicted man, a suspect, was murdered and Dong Sik didn't face repercussions. Nam Sang Bae skewed the evidence so Dong Sik didn't get into trouble. Dong Sik took a year (?) off work after that event and to "help" him recover, Sang Bae got Dong Sik transferred to his substation (which Sang Bae had been demoted to as a result of one of his rookies dying on the job. Although, it wasn't deemed much of a punishment considering he was so close to retiring anyway). All the while, Dong Sik feels justified for his actions (as he did when he moved Min Jeong's fingers). (Screenshots from the translated script book/author's notes doc)

I think it's best that when discussing and exploring Dong Sik's character, we remember that he is a man capable of murder. He is a murderer. (Do I blame him for what he did? No, not really. I can see why he did it. Objectively, I fucking love it for the narrative lol). But yeah, he isn't a guiltless sweet baby angel who never did anything wrong in his life. (DISCLAIMER: obviously jokes are just jokes. I love them and I never want them to stop. I am super guilty of participating in this line of joking and I'm not about to stop any time soon. But when discussing DS in serious conversations, we shouldn't erase his history. By doing that, we are devoiding him of agency and retribution (which is one of the main arcs/themes of his character development)).

ii. Joo Won is autistic and people need to stop calling him stupid. I will die on this hill, I don't care. I fully encourage everyone to bully Joo Won, because, well, he fucking deserves it. I know that bullying him is a hilarious love language the fandom has developed and I fully participate in this pastime. I honestly love it. Yes, he has done a lot wrong and shouldn't be absolved of his sins (that being said, we should allow him the space to learn and grow. We should learn to forgive whilst still keeping him and ourselves in check). But where I draw the line is when people outright laugh at his characteristics/actions which are derived from the fact that Joo Won is coded as autistic.

I know not everyone is going to be particularly versed in neurodivergent symptoms and that is completely fine. I even didn't fully clock Joo Won being autistic the first time I watched the show- I "labelled" his actions as a result of one) his obscenely privileged upbringing and two) the fact that he (imo) has some degree of OCD (which is a type of anxiety disorder). Then it hit me one day that he is soooo autistic. A few examples (I'm too ill to list each one or go into full detail): 1- People say that he's a bad detective. Which, ugh. 2- That he should have seen the "obvious" signs that Dong Sik wasn't the killer earlier. This sentiment completely ignores the timeline of the show and the fact that the viewer is provided information that Joo Won doesn't have access to. And it also removes Dong Sik's accountability for being purposely obtuse and antagonistic. 3- the whole (very minor) narrative that joo won is lame because he has terrible people skills (or something along those lines, I can't quite remember the tags I read as it was a while ago). This one, in particular, ties in with Joo Won's autism coding. With a (relatively sound) understanding of what autism looks like in male adults, to me, it would seem that a lot of what Joo Won does (speaking bluntly, getting easily confused when provided a lot of information during an intense situation, overwhelm, struggling to gauge people's emotions/tone, being very black and white, hyper focussing on a topic of interest, struggling to adapt to new social environments, masking, issues with food and sensory stimulation, etc) can be credited to autism. Perhaps I'm connecting dots that don't exist and am projecting an ideal onto his character, but as someone who grew up with multiple friends and family members who are neurodiverse (and is neurodiverse myself), I can see so many similarities between Joo Won's actions, thought processes, and mannerisms to that of a person with autism.

^ (credit) here is an overview of some characteristics of autism in adults (obviously, it's a complex topic which differs from person to person. But I can definitely connect many of these examples to joo won's character and actions). [I feel like I could say a lot more about this subject, but it would be distracting away from the original point. I have thoughts on Joo Won masking and how he struggles to mask around Dong Sik]

How does this relate to Joo Won being "stupid"? One may ask. I will try to explain it as best I can (even though I don't fully have my answer planned out). Labelling Joo Won as stupid, as a stuck-up nepo baby who did nothing for the storyline, or just a useless dolt that needed Dong Sik to spoon-feed him, completely misconstrues the source material. Joo Won is intelligent, hard-working, determined, stubborn, foolish, annoying, pompous, proud, narrow-minded, snobby, short-sighted, dedicated, loyal, loving, persistent, and perceptible to change (and even more than that). We wouldn't have a story if Joo Won was stupid. We wouldn't have a conclusion if Joo Won was stupid. Downplaying Joo Won's intelligence and chalking up his characteristics as something that makes him less-than does a complete disservice to his character as well as his importance within the story. Beyond Evil is a story with TWO leads. It's not the Dong Sik show. I can NEVER subscribe to the act of bringing one character down in order to hold another up. Dong Sik is not this all-seeing, all-knowing, flawless character. If he was, he would have never been framed for murder, he wouldn't have been stuck for 20 years, and he wouldn't have needed help in uncovering the truth. He needed Joo Won (and Ji Hwa, Jae Yi, Jung Je, Ji Hoon, Du Soo, Sang Bae, etc). Without Joo Won, he may have never found out the full truth of what happened to his sister (as how many people in his life had a part to play in the traumas he faced). So, I think it's about time that people start to recognise Joo Won as a neurodivergent character (and stop giving him a hard time for not seeing signs that WE were given), as well as stop downplaying him. Kim Soo Jin, Sim Na Yeon, and Yeo Jin Goo created such a multi-dimensional, complex, flawed character with good and bad qualities, it does a disservice to their creativity and hard work when one belittles Joo Won down to one descriptor. Dong Sik and Joo Won aren't just the idiot and the downtrodden. They're more than that and fan interpretation shouldn't rewrite the facts of the show.

Anyway... there's a point in there somewhere... I think... I have no idea if I managed to construct a reply that makes sense. I don't think I fully relayed all my thoughts on this particular matter, but we live. tbh, I feel very icky when an autistic character gets labelled as stupid or useless. It gets on my nerves and if it wasn't obvious, I am pretty protective of Joo Won (maybe I shouldn't be, but... well... here we are!). Also, as a note: I don't expect anyone to agree with my opinion that Joo Won is autistic. But yeah, I was going to include more "controversial" opinions for be, but I have already said way too much. This post reads like a rant - which it probably is - and I don't want it to ruffle anyone's feathers. It's not an attack, it's just my opinion.

As for the mundane opinion: iii. kiwis are the scum of the fruit world. They're nasty and a lot of effort to eat (considering they don't taste great), and their texture is gross. But I do think their furry shell is pretty neat, even if it makes my skin cruel. (idk why this was the first thing that came to mind lol)

(sorry Iva. Maybe one day I will learn how to give short answers😂🫣)

[virologikal]

❤,🧡 and 💚 for the ask game!

𝐀𝐬𝐤 𝐠𝐚𝐦𝐞: 𝐮𝐧𝐩𝐨𝐩𝐮𝐥𝐚𝐫 𝐨𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 <𝟑

❤: Which character do you think is the most egregiously mischaracterized by the fandom?

Piers Nevans, hands down. Stay with me here.

Let me preface this by saying I am absolutely no Piers hater, nor do I dislike the Chris/Piers ship (in fact, I am very much on the side of letting people do what they want with fictional characters, so "right or wrong" doesn't really exist in fandom to me in the strictest sense).

What I do dislike is how many people seem to brush over the fact that Piers is not an innocent little boy, small cinammon roll can't do nothing wrong. And it's such wasted potential!

Every time I play RE6 I shake my head at how he treats Chris. It's been a little while since I last played it so I will keep my points very superficial for now, but all in all Piers handled Chris' situation absolutely poorly. Does he pull him from his depressed, drunk and traumatized state? Sure. But it is not healthy. It is in no way empathic or even respectful - and that says a lot about him as a character. There was a very possible chance of him re-traumatizing Chris and causing more damage in the process with how he handled things, and I feel like it's often disregarded because he looks up to him.

And he keeps doing it during their mission!

I would absolutely love it if people would lean into that toxicity more instead of acting like he is just a Chris fan. You can do so much with that. Was Piers instructed to act this way / was he pressured to get Chris back to his old self asap? Was he driven by his admiration or maybe even by his ambition? Can we maybe talk about how he thinks he knows Chris just because he admires him, and in the process gets a lot about the man wrong? Was he feeling helpless and lashing out because of that or does he even have some trauma of his own and projects it onto Chris? There are so many ways to make this interesting, but usually I only see them as a soft couple, Piers' actions not being talked about at all and Chris not being taken seriously for the trauma he has been through.

I'd love to go into more detail so if I should do a deep dive into his character, let me know!

🧡: What is a popular (serious) theory you disagree with? I don't know if it is to be considered a serious theory but I will say I don't think Chris and Jill would be a forever couple. I absolutely can see them being together (they were for a time in my current fic, too!), but I feel like the things they went through would cause them to drift apart more than keep them close to each other.

Chris is always on missions, never slowing down to take care of his mental health or working through all the trauma he has been through. He raised Claire, so I feel like he would try to apply what he did with her to Jill, and I don't see Jill wanting to be treated like an injured animal after what she has been through. There is just so much to unpack with them that I think they would be hindering each other in getting better rather than the opposite. It does make for interesting material to write about, though!

💚: What does everyone else get wrong about your favorite character?

Again, I don't think there are any "right or wrong" interpretations of a character and I would never claim to know "better" than others, we're all just playing with fictional dolls here and I think that's awesome.

What I will say though is that I don't agree with the characterization or interpretation of Wesker being mean or an asshole to people prior to the Mansion Incident. I think it's been stated in canon lore that he was actually popular at the R.P.D., and people thought he was "cool" or something to that effect.

But even if you decide to stray from canon lore, I don't think it would make much sense if he was antagonizing people as it would draw too much attention. If you dislike someone, you usually tend to look extra hard if they're doing something wrong or shady so you can get into their business and (in his case) even get them reported or fully removed.

I think he was strict, but never mean as a Captain. He had appearances to uphold, so he would fake being personable, charming, etc. just so he would have one less thing to worry about. The Wesker we see after the Mansion Incident is more true to his real self, I would say. He had no need to keep up his masquerade, and I think the antagonistic way he behaves in Code Veronica and RE5 leads people to believe he always was this way, so I kind of understand the thought process. I just think he is way more intelligent than to draw unnecessary attention :>

[solvicrafts]

so uhhhhh to explain my apology cake

For some reason this time of year the Theoi always seem to come around knocking. It's kind of like how families tend to get together for the winter holidays, except in my case it's a bunch of Greek gods breaking into my house just to ask me why it's been so long since we've had tea or something.

I very very very rarely talk about my beliefs on here for a bunch of reasons, one of them being that my relationship with the Theoi is personal and I just don't always feel like sharing, and another reason is that I don't really relate to other pagans or even other Hellenics very much so it's kind of hard to participate in the community when I don't really feel like I belong in it.

And another reason I don't participate very much is that, and this isn't fun for me to acknowledge, I was kind of an asshole back in the day. Not on the level of the big notorious assholes like Galina Krasskova or TJA, but I still had some issues. I was really unhealthy, mentally. I had a lot of trauma to work through, I had social skill issues, I was really impressionable in all the wrong ways, and there were some things about myself that I really didn't understand. It got to a point where I self-sabotaged a lot of friendships within the community and ended up being toxic for a little while. Thankfully not too long as someone I cared about intervened in time to tell me I had serious issues, but still. Eventually, I realized I had some serious growing up to do and took a few years off from being chronically online.

And the thing is, I'm still learning and growing. We all are (I hope), and probably always will be. Plus... like half of my family died in between then and now and a whole lot of other crazy shit happened, all of which started in February, too. So there's just a lot of stuff for me to unpack this time of year. With this week's storm kind of forcing me to take time offline and focus on other things, I've just been spending a lot of that time reflecting and thinking about myself, my journey up to this point in my life, and where to go from here.

I've got a lot of stuff planned going forward, creatively. Lots of things I'm very excited to share with you guys! And hopefully I will keep taking baby steps into being part of a community again (both online and offline). For now I'm gonna be taking things slow, and I'll be disappearing on and off since there's just a lot of stuff going on this month.

[meerawrites]

NINE PEOPLE I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW BETTER

Last Song? Haute and Lipstick Lover by Janelle Monáe because I just saw them live in Toronto. I’m too neurodivergent to pick just one.

Favourite Colour? Again, I’m too neurodivergent to pick just one. Be that as it may, 3 way tie between the bi colours, I’m serious, and black.

Currently Watching? The Newsreader starring Sam Reid and Anna Torv.

Last Movie/TV Show? TURN: Washington’s Spies, yet again.

Sweet/Spicy/Savoury? Sweet.

Relationship Status? Single, uninterested, otherwise occupied by platonic relationships presently and adjusting to college. For the sole reason of I am focusing on unpacking my own trauma right now and though I’m bi and other labels, I’m mostly focused on friendships in college presently and relearning social skills, cause the pandemic destroyed my social skills momentarily. Yes, it’s more than possible to be any spectrum of sexuality and not interested in dating, though, mine is temporary for some it’s not. Still bi though.

Current Obsessions? I accumulate hyper fixations, I’ll pick 4. TURN/the 18th century, Hannibal (all media and NBC), my original characters, the Anne Rice book universe(s) -> I do like some aspects of AMC’s IWTV, but, the book: The Vampire Lestat saved me in Catholic school, so I owe much to that body of literary work.

Last Thing You Googled? Q: When is bi visibility day? A: today, September 23, it came into being in 1999, the word “bi” dates to 1890, if not earlier. Bi manifesto.

Borrowed from: @amberlynnmurdock. 💕

Tagging: @nalyra-dreaming, @grymoria, @justanothermattmercerfanblog, @datekiri, @myfriendgoo94, @malicious-compliance-esq, @dontbesylly, @flower-crowned-lady, & @musicboxmemories (if you want). 💕

[sabakos]

.

So the mountain dew thing I posted the other day is um. Hm. I'm going to turn reblogs off on that actually. It's very good I posted it and got to see people's reactions and I think I made some people laugh with how I presented it, don't feel bad if you reblogged it. but uh. yeah. Not only is it unfortunately true, if anything I downplayed it a bit and left out the parts that weren't funny. Which I now realize I don't really want to think about every time I check my notes tab for the next few weeks. I never kept count but I'm pretty sure I spent more than just a few nights in high school curled up in pain in front of the toilet. I lost over 50 pounds in a year from that.

Kind of maybe also some not-so-unintentional self-harm was going on there I think. It fits in a pattern with some other past habits of mine that I don't post much about because, well, I don't want to turn this into a trauma blog. If you really wanna know, I was a high-functioning alcoholic until age 26. Like, rarely sober outside working hours, most of my calories from alcohol level. End-stage. Due to other personal issues ("wait sabi, weren't you in a serious LTR then?" yes and also my mom was in a psych ward, we don't have time to unpack any of that), I quit drinking cold turkey in 2019 and realized looking through old pictures on my phone that I barely remembered most of what happened in college, let alone anything before that. I don't even know if it's technically amnesia, so much as dissociating so severely from my past. I had a "bit" of a major mental collapse in fall 2019 after quitting drinking as my mind slowly remembered how to have emotions, real clutch scheduling that right before a global pandemic.

Thankfully due to doing nothing for two and a half years, I remember most of college now, and I've been able to recover almost 3 full years of high school from basically fragments in the past year alone. My liver doesn't hurt anymore. I'm also physically repulsed by alcohol as a result of the withdrawal. But it's starting to get back far enough to start reminding me of the previous mental breakdown that I had in middle school that made me almost get held back in 8th grade. I... might decide I don't need to know about anything before that for a little while. Not sure I actually have the ability to make that decision though. It will work itself out nonetheless, it will just be less pleasant.

I've actually almost never actually been suicidal or intentionally thought "oh I'm doing this to hurt myself." But I'm not just shitposting about the whole body dysphoria thing, beyond any gender stuff I just also would prefer not to deal with being a body. I hate every photograph of me as soon as I take it, I can only bear to look at any of them once enough time has gone by that I can trick my brain into thinking it's not me. I believe I drank alcohol for the same reason I drank horrifying concoctions in high school and still sometime make too spicy food or eat so many sour patch kids and takis my mouth bleeds. I only hated the stomach cramps in high school because I didn't know why I had them, but when I finally vomited so hard I puked blood and burst blood vessels in my face, it felt good. I enjoy pain, I like the feeling that my body has been hurt when I'm the one directly causing it. I'm punishing it for existing. I know a couple mutuals of mine probably know exactly what I'm talking about based on their own posts. I also know now that I'm doing this, and that I need to stop doing it. I'm not too worried now that I've figured this out.

But also I think for the first time I can remember, I actively want to continue to exist. I know on some level that I need to accept that that will include my body and not just living out my social life on the internet. I... like other people, not just in a flirty way, and I know I'm saying this on Tumblr of all places but I promise if I ever meet any of you I'm one of the weirdest fucking interesting people you'll ever meet because it's what people are telling me all the time. I'm really shy and don't know how to initiate an interaction with a stranger, but if you can get me to say anything at all, I talk endlessly in my (apparently, strange) voice, I hold my body wrong in distracting ways, I abruptly change topics when I'm not supposed to. None of this occurs to me at the time I'm doing it, and I do know how to act correctly in any situation, I'm just wholly incapable of doing so. But somehow this reads as charming and eccentric rather than horribly rude to most people I meet? People tell me I'm the strangest person they've ever met as a complement. I don't really know why.

All the memories I've recovered have contradicted my past beliefs that I've always struggled to make friends. I think I just... didn't notice? But dozens of my peers consistently made the decision to go out of their way to spend time with me almost the whole time I knew them. I don't think that was out of sympathy, I sure wasn't the Special Ed kid. So I think I actually had close friends almost my whole life from age 10 onward, many of them even? all despite the fact that I wasn't really capable of consciously reciprocating a lot of the time, and that I totally forgot in the years since that some of them even existed until later. So I want to do that again somehow, have a bunch of people I know in real life that I'm close friends with. And actually realize it this time. And I hope I'm not deluding myself with what I remember, though I've been able to independently corroborate enough that I don't think so.

Anyway if anyone was curious, that's... most of my whole brain problems deal from the parts of my life I remember. Or as much as I can condense into a post anyway. Much of it was in fact rather happy and I usually present things in a much more positive light. This post was just not about that.

[vivalabunbun]

Oh my god Author you did it again. YOU TUGGED ON MY HEARTSTRINGS. THE RECENT FIC. I'M SCREAMING AHHHHHH

Also in regards to your voting poll, I voted plot because you just have a way of storytelling. There was always something to pack and unpack within your fics and it was always about SOMETHING. I just really enjoyed unravelling the 17k word fic (you madlad).

God I actually finished reading it two weeks ago but got swept with so much school work and was too exhausted to write a decent review without sounding scatterbrained. Do you play any instruments? Perhaps the reason why I'm so biased is because piano is something very personal to me and Your Lie in April lives in my mind rent free (childhood friends, oppressive parent, sunshinexgloomy trope *INHALES*)

By the way do you happen to like Mozart? The Marriage of Figaro seems to be very significant to reader and Alhaitham. The only think I recall from my prof about Figaro was that the servants were like being oppressed by the nobles, especially for the women. Then it went to a whole tangent about french revolution and stuff. Unless I am just completely over analyzing things, I just LOVE looking into the deeper meanings and symbolisms. Do correct me if I'm wrong though lol.

Also the pacing was so good. Like switching back and forth between real time and flashbacks. PERFECTION. You're seriously good add keeping the ball rolling when it comes to telling a story.

(lowkey waiting for part 2 if you ever plan to make one because these two deserve it. Also sounds like reader is dealing with some serious asian parenting Lol)

Ahh thank you🥹💕

It’s a silly to admit but I felt a bit discouraged when I posted it bc it was heavy and really long, but for the people that somehow powered through it all it was the fic that made a lot of people reach out to me. That enough was all the encouragement I needed 😭

Yep! I used to play the violin and piano, I played the violin longer but I’ve always enjoyed piano more. I don’t really play much anymore tho.

Mmm I do like Mozart! I’m glad you caught onto that little Easter egg about that song. To me, that play has meaning in the sense that it’s the powerless rebelling against those who hold power.

To me it seemed to fit really well with the reader finally rebelling against her parents. Who dumped a lot of expectations onto her and expected her to carry them out like a servant.

Haha yeah you’re definitely right about the Asian parenting part… I think in a previous ask I answered how this fic comes from complex experiences.

It’s interesting to see how some people can immediately identify the exact trauma the reader is experiencing. Bonding through shared trauma 😭😭

[alyjojo]

Love Reading 💣 - July 2023 - Libra

Singles:

Overall energy: Ace of Swords

How you will meet: 4 Wands

How they will treat you: 2 Cups

Long-term Potential: 2 Wands & Page of Swords

Oracle: You are a child of the universe 💫

This reading is a little different from the others because Ace of Swords shows this being something you need to hear. It’s not about where you meet this person, you could already live with with person. Or did. But you’re on a path to self sabotage & destruction with this Tower, and you need to get clear on your situation, the truth of the matter, so that your scales can balance once again. I’m getting it’s not this person’s fault, but likely a past person’s fault, and this person lives rent free in your head on a loop. Probably due to trauma.

This is about wounding, but right now you have someone who is incredibly passionate about you, and also very much in love. The passion may overshadow the love and make you kinda cringe, or at least I get that vibe, but they do love you. And they see you as everything, their goal in life is to work together with you and create something beautiful. The reading starts with 4 Wands, this person is totally stable, and so are their feelings. King of Cups is someone with a lot of love for you, and they’re a mature person overall, “soothing” even.

So you go from 4 Wands to the long term potential being 2 Wands & Page of Swords. Because of your past, an ex, may not have anything at all to do with them, but you. Your messages have you defensive and spiraling, your person can’t deal with that, or they don’t know how. The past makes you defensive and fearful, because you’ve been hurt by a player or someone unreliable that broke your heart. You may spy on this person or be overly suspicious, while also not offering them love or trust, it’s a cycle you put yourself into that you need to: see the truth (Ace of Swords), cut this toxic cycle out of your psyche & relationship (Justice), and then be vulnerable with your person on how you realize you’ve been…and how you want to change moving forward. You’re just stuck in a loop and refusing help. There is mutual deep love here 💚

Messages -

Their side:

- Soothing Presence

- XXX

Your side:

- Don’t underestimate my potential

- Cannot Handle Reality

- Baby mama/daddy drama

Signs you may be dealing with:

Libra, Scorpio, Aries & Cancer

Couples:

Overall energy: Queen of Cups

Current: The Fool

Challenge: 3 Cups & Page of Pentacles

How they feel about you: The Hierophant

How you feel about them: Ace of Cups

Outcome: Justice rev

Oh boy. Well, you’re probably married, but no longer right? You’ve set that on fire 🔥 it looks like. You’re coming up as King of Swords in this reading, with two Queens, one being absolutely devastated and betrayed. Even Spirit is giving you shit on how this is being handled, thus “Seriously” and Justice rev in the outcome. But, you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do, or you already have.

You go from 0-100 with this new person, which could be part of the problem. If you have kids, it’s like you’re packing up their stuff, your stuff, and just heading over to this new person’s place to unpack. Meet your new Mom kids! It may not be quite that drastic, but that’s how it’s coming out, and probably how it feels to this Queen of Pentacles that has built a whole life around you up to this point. Your new person may know very little about this situation, they come up as Queen of Cups, someone very kind, empathetic, loving, nurturing. They seem to be as clueless about the situation, and your past person is blindsided.

Your challenge is celebrating, making plans together, being public with your relationship, possibly telling friends and wanting to really get involved, but not being fully able to. Cuz you’re married, or may as well have been according to everyone in your circle. For some it’s legal, and that’s a whole process. You’re being very vague about how this very serious relationship ended, dodging accountability and clarity at every turn. Why, well, you know.

How they feel about you is that you’re committed to someone else, so they are aware of the situation, just not deeply. They know what you tell them. They see you fighting off all sorts of people around you, family, friends, your ex, their family, the neighbors, church, dogs, everyone has something to say about this and you’re having to stand up for yourself constantly. How you see them, is a new beginning in love, working together to create the life of your dreams…yet your messages don’t really seem like that’s true. Maybe it’s what you know they want, not what you actually want. Libras have a tendency to play that “role”, then get stuck. Outcome for July is an unfair, unbalanced, probably continuing chaotic situation that you feel you just need a break from. It’s possible you’re acting as if everyone is against you (which they do seem to be), and cutting them all off one by one because you’re done hearing about it. It’s an emotionally cold way to be, but you feel like this is all necessary. It could also be an illness pops up with you, that forces you to take a time out. Phone off. You’re removed from emotion right now. Messages indicate it’s because you don’t actually have any of the long-lasting kind…could just be something to keep in mind. What do you really want? A time out could be the best thing for you.

Messages -

Their side:

- You’re everything I’ve ever dreamed of.

- Telling the Truth

Your side:

- I love the way you look at me.

- This was only temporary for me.

Oracles -

Seriously 😒

Their side: You can be a caregiver and a rescuer, but be sure you’re your own caregiver first.

Your side: When you’re ill, ask your angels to help you, and visualize yourself being well.

Signs you may be dealing with:

Cancer, Gemini, Virgo, Capricorn, Aquarius & Libra