#there's another lady who may or may not be killing cancer patients while trying to get more money through them

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

i thought House was the medical malpractice show what the fuck is going on in The Resident

[erazonpo3]

WOWM

so What Once Was Mine came out and I read it.

My General Thoughts are that this book was something of a rollercoaster but in like a pop up carnival with dubious safety regulations and diseases in the DIY log flume water kind of way. I had some fun reading it but I also feel like I picked up a rash.

If you're like me and you enjoy picking a book apart for morsels of interesting concepts then you might enjoy it, if you think holy shit why the fuck is a literal real historical serial killer in this book I need to see this then you might enjoy it, if you care about engaging plots and character beats then you probably won't.

If you want to ask me anything specific go ahead, but otherwise for more in depth thoughts: spoilers ahead

Basic Summary of the Plot

Okay so here's the deal. The story has the framing device of two siblings in a cancer ward, where one tells the other a story. I'll get into that later, but that's how it starts. Our actual story starts with a pretty long prologue: We learn that the King & Queen got the Moonflower thinking it was the Sunflower, Rapunzel was born with silver hair, and then baby Rapunzel kills a maid who accidentally hurt her when brushing her hair.

Oh, by the way, Max is a human man named Justin Tregsburg. Yeah.

Anyway, the royal family puts out feelers for legit witches who can safely take care of Rapunzel because the baby is too dangerous, and Gothel shows up to take her away. Queen Arianna visits Rapunzel once (but is only allowed to watch through a peephole) and decides watching another woman raise her child is too painful and throws herself into restoring the kingdom's orphanages instead.

Now we're in the present. Rapunzel is nineteen and she wants to go and see the lanterns (a mourning tradition of the Dead princess in this story). She tries to argue with Gothel but gets shut down, and Gothel makes her kill a chicken to prove the point that she can't go outside because she's too dangerous. However we as the audience already know Gothel plans to sell Rapunzel off as a bride or a servant or a weapon to some other nobles, because she's evil.

Also by the way Gothel still has access to our Sundrop Flower and is using it to live forever that's just a thing that happens in the background.

When Gothel is gone Rapunzel watches as a man (Flynn) stores a satchel in a tree outside of her tower, and that motivates her to leave the tower for the first time. Then she goes back inside the tower with her prize of a crown, and a skink she found and named Pascal. Rapunezl and Gothel have another spat, and Rapunzel decides she will run off to see the lanterns and she will find Flynn and make him her guide.

She ends up at the Snuggly Duckling and she doesn't find Flynn but she does find Gina, a young career criminal girl looking to break the glass ceiling. Gina agrees to help her find Flynn. They find Flynn, and he agrees to help guide Rapunzel to see the floating lanterns for a split reward of the crown with Gina.

The Snuggly Duckling gets burned down by Countess Bathory (yes that Elizabeth Bathory) and the Pub Thugs are pissed about it and also they're helping Rapunzel even though she didn't sing the I've Got A Dream song don't worry about it. We learn that the nobles that wanted to buy Rapunzel are now hunting her down so she can go to auction.

Gina takes them to her adopted mother's cottage. Gina's mother is a white witch, who goes by the name of Goodwife. She doesn't get an actual name she's just The Goodwife. Anyhow, the cottage is a magic safe space (for now) and Goodwife teaches Rapunzel that her hair isn't inherently evil and may not even be all that deadly! Rapunzel learns that her hair has other powers too, like the ability to turn skink Pascal into a sentient Chameleon. Yeah.

Also Goodwife tells Rapunzel she's the dead princess but this isn't like, an immediate call to action. Not a lot happens until we get this story's version of the Mother Knows Best Reprise where Gothel finds Rapunzel again but has to flee, but this Rapunzel has a bigger support network and isn't buying it. Flynn and Gina decide the safest course of action is to bring Rapunzel to the castle, but along the way she gets kidnapped by the Countess.

Gothel is pissed because she still wants the money for Rapunzel, so she rallies the armies of all the opposing bidders. Flynn and Gina convince Max the Man to send for his troops, and he joins them in going to the enemy castle. Flynn tries to sneak in, gets caught, and meanwhile there's a bloody battle out the front between the noble armies. Max jumps into the fray, Gina turns around and rallies the Pub Thugs.

Rapunzel uses her shrinking magic (!) to disappear half the castle and escape with Eugene, and the Pub Thugs arrive and basically end the battle. The Captain is dying but it's okay! Rapunzel turns him into a horse :) Also Rapunzel sees Gothel and tells her to fuck off.

The story ends with a tearful reunion between Rapunzel and her parents, Eugene and Gina are implied to be biological siblings, and things are good but of course in direct parallel to Cass Gina leaves at the end to become an adventurer. The end.

(There are a few other smaller plot beats, but you get the idea.)

MY THOTS

So here are my thoughts™.

Framing Device

I'll just state that I didn't like that the story was told via the vehicle of an older brother telling his 16 year old sister a different version of the Tangled Movie in a cancer ward. From what I've heard it also isn't normal for the Twisted Tales series to use a framing device for the AUs either.

I sympathise with the author's personal story, of course I do. That doesn't mean I'm stirred with compassion every time the flow of the story is interrupted to remind you to be sad because this is a story being told to a girl sick with cancer. It feels more than a little tragedy-porny rather than emotionally touching, and maybe that's because I'm too burnt out on real life tragedy to waste emotional energy on fictional cancer patients but we don't need to do Fault In Our Stars discourse again.

Real World References

This story goes heavy with Real World references. And another issue with the framing device as above is that you do feel like this is a story being told by someone namedropping every historical figure they know which makes it harder to get into the story.

There's like... a lot of references to Christianity, particularly in the prologue. There's a priest that thinks Rapunzel's hair is the work of the Devil or whatever. It's a lot. The Patriarchy is a thing. And that's not even getting into the Countess. I put it very succinctly in my notes so I'll paste it here:

I wish she’d just been an OC who could exist to chew scenery because the fact that she was a literal historical serial killer is super. Off putting. Like, she could have been an obvious reference to Bathory, but it feels like Miku Binder Hamilton levels of uncomfortable to me.

I miss Lady D.

Which basically sums up my problem with trying to take the setting of Tangled and put it somewhere in the Real World and somewhere on the Timeline. Who thought this was a good idea.

Misc. Thoughts

So, I used the five highlighter colours my ipad allows to organise my thoughts and organised them accordingly: Yellow for out of place IRL references, Blue for worldbuilding/character points that aren't plot relevant but still interesting, Pink for when something I find personally amusing happens, Purple for when the story feels like it's trying to 1-up the movie in some kind of way and Green for Heterosexual Nonsense. I'll touch on those last two in the Character sections but be prepared.

Also: for a book about giving Rapunzel killer hair, her hair isn't very dangerous. I wanted to see Rapunzel kill someone, and I'm disappointed that I didn't.

Characters

I'll do a deep dive into my thoughts about the characters before wrapping it up. I'm starting with Gina because she's honestly the easiest to get through.

Gina

Gina is a new character introduced for the story. She's a young woman trying to make it as a career criminal but keeps hitting that glass ceiling. So here's the down low, for all those who want to know: Gina is basically Cass, only not really. She's implied to be Eugene's biological sister, as previously mentioned, but you can imagine she's Cass the entire way through without breaking your immersion because if you imagined Cass if she were adopted by a Goodwitch rather than the Captain and had a looser, more wilderness survivor than trainee guard upbringing then you get Gina.

I liked Gina! I think she's fun as her own character too, and her best moments are when she's interacting with her mother Goody Goodwife, and she of course picks up a natural sibling rivalry with Eugene, but I was disappointed with how little she really bonded with Rapunzel because she needed to make room for Eugene and Rapunzel's romance.

Rapunzel

Okay, here's our protagonist. There's a notable effort to make Rapunzel more active in her destiny and whatever, and sometimes it works but sometimes it doesn't. I was worried they'd try to go full butt-kicking girlboss with her but I was pleasantly surprised that Rapunzel was pretty useless in most scenes, genuinely love to see it.

With a more intimate look into Rapunzel's psyche through the medium of prose, we see Rapunzel really questioning Gothel's behaviour even before she leaves the tower, and while I appreciate that she can develop her own cynicism I feel it starts unnecessarily early. This is my purple colour; the movie needs to be "fixed" by showing the readers that this Rapunzel is quicker to distrust Gothel. She's also quicker to hatch a plan to go outside of the tower on her own, and she makes a plan to make Flynn her guide for the lanterns even though he never stumbles upon her in the tower- and even though she has a perfectly rational reason not to trust him which is that he is a stranger and a Wanted Thief.

In the moments where it does work is when Rapunzel is surrounded by her new support network: Flynn, Goodwife and Gina, who encourage her to question Gothel's sincerity, and Rapunzel comes up with her own defences for Gothel so that she can poke through them herself.

I have some other thoughts about Rapunzel's hair and her powers, like how the story provides the interesting concept that her hair gets different powers with the different phases of the moon, but a lot of the powers are uhhh stupid and also I feel like it really robs the story of the whole gripping conflict of "Yes I'm Rapunzel Yes my hair kills people what of it".

In as far as just Rapunzel herself though, she still felt pretty in character nonetheless, and maybe that's all I can ask.

Flynn Rider / Eugene Fitzherbert

My boy I am so sorry. They neutered my boy.

Long story short: Eugene in this story is the sexy lamp. He contributes nothing to the plot except to be there for Rapunzel to drool over. And of course because he won't get any character development, he starts from the very beginning as a sweet soft boi with none of the Flynn Rider characterisation from the movie because we don't have time for that, he needs to be husband material stat.

His whole character is the colour green for Heterosexual Nonsense.

So, here's the problem. In the movie, there's not a lot of time for ~friendship~ between Rapunzel and Eugene because they kind of immediately see each other as a romantic prospect. And whatever, it's a movie and there's only so much time. But this book had the opportunity to take things a bit slower and instead chooses to make Rapunzel get jealous whenever Eugene and Gina interact and for her to be constantly wishing he was holding her hand.

Say what you will about Lost Lagoon, but it tells a good romance story just by virtue of not intending to be a romance story, because the author is trying to convey a strong bond between Rapunzel and Cassandra without using "and they kiss" as a cheatcode. What Once Was Mine says "he was a boy, she was a girl, could it be any more obvious?" and leaves it at that.

Now as for how this all pertains to Eugene's character? Well, it just robs him of any flavour. In the movie there's a clear distinction between Flynn and Eugene, when we learn Eugene's real name about halfway through. We see a clear difference between the Flynn we knew- kind of an asshole, wanated to drop Rapunzel off at the Snuggly Duckling and get rid of her- and Eugene, who is sincere and chooses Rapunzel as his New Dream in opposition to his Old Dream of living alone on an island with a bunch of money.

This version of Eugene is basically Eugene all the way through, because the plot doesn't really need Eugene there but he has to be there because it's a Tangled AU so there's no Rapunzel rescuing Flynn from the guards and healing his hand scene, he just loves her immediately and that's that. They have a little spat at one point but it's cleared up later and not because they actually communicate but because they kiss.

Rapunzel only learns Eugene's real name at the very end of the story, and gives a speech about how Eugene is the real him, but it's just so flat because 'Flynn' has been sincere this whole time? Anyway he does nothing of value for the entire story except be there for Rapunzel to lust after. Eugene I'm so sorry.

Gothel

Gothel's sort of the Big Bad and is characterised as an abusive asshole, the usual. I wish there were a bit more nuance to her character but then again in this story she's not just being passively evil- taking care of Rapunzel for selfish reasons but nevertheless maintaining the status quo- she's being actively evil in trying to sell Rapunzel off.

It's notably funny that Gothel sees the Countess Bathory and is like "what the fuck".

Anyway Gothel in this story also feels very weak in part because this Rapunzel is more critical and in part because this Rapunzel has a new support network. It's for that reason the Mother Knows Best Reprise scene doesn't really work, because the original has Gothel pit Rapunzel against Eugene, whereas she can't do that here so it remains a Gothel vs Rapunzel thing.

She gets a boring death as an epilogue addendum that someone rips out the Sundrop flower, which tbh? lame. It would be a lot more fun if it were open ended but I am also preferential to Rapunzel actually using her killer hair to kill someone. Please

Captain Justin Tregsburg

It's Max. He was a human but then he got turned into a horse. what the fuck you guys

[thethyroidrelation]

Finding a good endocrinologist is one of the best things you will do for your thyroid health.

Searching for an endo (Endocrinologist)…

After my thyroid surgery, I was automatically referred to an endo by my medical insurance. The doctor was in Scottsdale, Arizona while I was located way out in West Phoenix. For my health absolutely it was worth driving the 40 miles each way to visit him, but with the pandemic and all the issues happening in 2020, I found it would be better to find one closer to me.

I did my research, I googled the best endocrinologists in Goodyear, Arizona or 15 miles from here, I looked at their Google reviews, I went onto my health insurance website and looked at reviews on there, I looked at the doctor’s website, checked out the endo and how long they had been caring for patients with thyroid issues and especially patients who had just had a thyroidectomy and would need lifetime care.

I didn’t know what I was doing. Hell, I didn’t get much of an explanation about what this would mean to me for the rest of my life. I needed someone who really cared about the future of their patients. This entire process has been very enlightening, like getting hit with a bat in the face and seeing stars. I finally understood that it is not up to the surgeon or the endo to tell you how something is going to affect the rest of your life, you have to find out for yourself. The information you receive about how you should take care of yourself and what’s coming next is about 1/3rd of the information you actually need. Use the power of the internet, find like-minded people, join support groups, and ask questions, so many questions. That’s the only way you will make yourself feel better. 

Finding an endo….

So after a lot of research, I found the endo that I was certain was going to help me get through the first stages of my life without a thyroid in the best way possible. This endo has 5-star reviews, people just praising the way she changed lives and helped them through their situations. So I booked my appointment. I had my little journal ready to write down notes, I had questions I was ready to ask because I didn’t know what I needed to do to lose weight and that was forefront on my mind at the time. This was before I felt like shit, I still had hope I was always going to feel even half the amount of energy I still felt so I was genuinely naive about the whole thing.

The day of my appointment comes and I leave work early so that I can drive straight to the endo’s office and get there a little early to fill out paperwork.  I get there and I notice the building is nice and I can tell this office has good visitation so that makes me feel even better about my choice to come here. Everyone looked happy and they were smiling, so I kept telling myself this is it. Only… I just didn’t feel right. I kept telling myself I was overthinking things which I always have the bad habit of doing so I shut off the voice in my head and waited until my name was called for my turn to be seen. 

What the hell kind of endo is this??

After getting my blood pressure checked and being told that my heart rate was at 125bpm and waiting 10 more minutes, in walks a tiny lady who would be my new endo. The endo has a foreign accent and talks very fast so from the get-go I was having trouble understanding her. For privacy, I will call her Dr. Hollis. Dr. Hollis tells me about my blood tests and I know this because she is showing me the physical tests on her laptop although I can’t understand what she’s saying, I don’t know what any of it means, and she’s not slowing down to explain it either. 

Then she stops and starts scrolling through my chart and I see her eyebrow perk up and she looks at me and says “you had thyroid cancer, why aren’t you taking care of yourself, your blood tests are unacceptable!” Holy Shit I almost had a meltdown in that room. It took everything in me not to get up and flip her off and walk out of that room. 

I answered pissed off and if I could have chopped off her head with my eyes I would have. “I am here because I don’t know anything about my condition, and as my endocrinologist, you are here to help me figure this out right?” Wow, talk about a match made in patient/doctor relationship heaven.  That conversation set the tone for a year of care from her. In that year, I saw her 6 times. She had my thyroid medication Synthroid dose at 175mcg, and to counter the heart rate I was on 25mg of Atenolol. She would not lower my dose of Synthroid because all she would tell me was that the “cancer would come back” if my dose was lowered.

When I can no longer ignore my negative relationship with my doctor…

In October of 2019, I met with the endo to review my latest set of blood tests and she gave me the grim news that it looked like cancer had returned. Can you imagine the horror I felt when she said that to me? My blood tests were showing something in my blood so I was probably going to go through radiation again and if that didn’t work I was going to have to have neck surgery and remove any lymph nodes left and any tissue that may be lingering in my thyroid bed. I mean it was just that cut and dry. Again, when I would ask her to explain things to me it would take extra dedication from me to sit and listen intently and ask extra questions about what I THINK she was telling me because she was hard to understand. She told me I would need to do another Radioactive Iodine Uptake Test and depending on the results I would need to do radiation. I stopped her before she could say anything else, I said no. 

I told her I would not be doing any more radiation. I was done drinking poison only to feel worse. This was the good cancer it wasn’t supposed to ever make an appearance again. And here I am getting ready for round two. Nope. I was going to do things my way and I would come back to get the MRI in three months. She looked at me and said “ok”. So just OK. An endo who doesn’t try to tell you about why it would be dangerous not to do treatment and go nomad may not have your best interests in mind. Also, a doctor who pushes you to do a certain treatment and does not try to listen to the options you think might work may also not have your best interest in mind. Keep that in the back of your head when being “ordered” to do something. 

My family was worried about me. They were worried that I had said no to radiation, but they were also worried if I did do it. They were stuck as I was stuck about this whole thing but I deserved a chance to try something else. I tried a holistic approach and dedicated the next 3 months to meditation and cleansing my body of toxins.  I scheduled the MRI after 3 months and it came back cancer-free. No cancer cells showed up. It is February of 2021 and to this day I have not had to do radiation again and I hope to keep that going. 

After that, I switched to another endo. When she told me that there was a great possibility that I would have to do radiation again, everything about her energy gave me NO HOPE. NONE AT ALL. I don’t need anyone like that in my life and none of you do either. I removed her negativity and surrounded myself with the help and love of those who believed in me. If your endo isn’t someone you can count on, I hope you have a way of finding one who is a blessing and not a burden to you.  

Finding an endo that cares enough to stop me from giving myself a heart attack…

Again I looked for a year for an endo. My thyroid medications had refills so I wasn’t worried about getting those, but I knew it was probably time to get my blood checked again. I needed to make up my mind about an endo. I had found one that I was feeling good about, but after this nightmare experience, I was afraid of what I was going to walk into. 

When I finally met my new endo, he was the complete opposite of what I had experienced. He took his time to answer my questions and took blood tests on the spot. I have a confession to make, because I was never able to get any help with the chronic fatigue I was experiencing, I started taking Armour thyroid along with my Synthroid. I did this all on my own out of desperation and didn’t think that I was probably killing myself. I told my new endo this and he was naturally alarmed. I had lost a great amount of weight, I couldn’t sleep at all, I was shaky all the time but the worst part was my heart. I was putting myself at risk of heart failure and I didn’t even know it. I felt really stupid. 

He has helped me realize the importance of my situation, and I no longer take any medication without a prescription from him first. Finding this endo has helped me understand why my dose needed to be lowered and how keeping me at such a high dose was putting me at risk of death already. I am not 100% better but I do feel a lot better now. It’s a work in progress but now I have hope where before I didn’t. The doctor also explained to me that my situation with cancer is not one that will just disappear which was how it was explained to me before. I will always need to find ways to keep it at bay… that is my realistic future and that’s the type of honesty that your medical providers need to give you. Everyone is different and no situation is the same so although I don’t doubt my previous endo was and is great for her patients now, she was not the one for me. 

Your endo is very important to your well being. The endocrinologist has the power to stunt your progress or make it grow by leaps and bounds so ask questions freely and openly, let him/her know how serious you are about your personal situation and that you want to be actively involved in getting better. 

Find an endocrinologist in your area: 

AACE - Find an Endocrinologist Near You

Find an Endocrinologist

[arukou-arukou]

Just A Really Very Intelligent System

Been thinking about this one for a while. Finally managed to write it. Rating: T for “Language.” (It just kinda slipped out.) Characters: Tony Stark & JARVIS

----

He is in one of the most dangerous situations of his life trying to save the whole freaking universe by watching a man the size of a dust bunny wriggle into the hairline of his younger self, so it would be really, really bad if he happened to have a heart attack. Older him that is. But he nearly does go into cardiac arrest when he hears an old friend in his ear.

“Verify immediately. Failure to verify will result in an activation of level one security protocols.”

His tongue is stuck to the roof of his mouth and his palms are sweating, but somehow he manages to whisper out: “Edwin-12-19-91-4-8-47-Alpha Override.”

“Override accepted. Sir?”

“Hey, J.”

“Sir, you have imbued me with considerable computing power, and yet never did you prepare me for the possibility of you being in two places at once.”

“Yeah, about that. You haven’t said anything to Mr. Quipster over there, have you?”

“Not as yet, Sir. You wish me to keep it that way?”

“It would really help me out, buddy.”

“Very well, Sir.”

Tony wants to stay longer, to talk, to warn JARVIS, to cry, but he has places to be, things to do, planets to save. Scott’s safely positioned, so Tony yeets himself out of the building to get to the ground floor. He doesn’t know why he thought that would make JARVIS disappear.

“I see, Sir, that your proclivities for leaping before looking are unchanged.”

Another near heart attack--he’s gradually phased Friday out of his ears now that the nanotech is connected directly to his nervous system, so he’s not exactly used to AI voices anymore--but he recovers more quickly. “You’re always there to catch me, J.”

“And yet my systems are not present in your suit, Sir. I see codal remnants of system designation FRIDAY, but nothing of myself.”

Tony remains silent. This is such a terrible time to be feeling all the feelings. He spots a grunt who looks more or less unimportant and knocks the guy out. Part of him wants to warn SHIELD about their shit security, but then again, this guy’s probably Hydra and he deserves every bruise he gets. He senses JARVIS in his systems, a ghost in the shell.

“You no longer have the reactor. And if I’m not mistaken, that is gray in your hair. So you are not my Sir.”

“Well, yes and no.”

“I suppose it would destroy the spacetime continuum for you to divulge the truth to me.”

“You’re too smart for me, J,” Tony grunts as he yanks on the bullet-proof tac vest. “It’s kind of a long story, and while I technically have all the time in the world, I also really, really don’t.”

He sidles into the lobby and looks toward his personal elevator, waiting for the Avengers to appear. J is quiet so long Tony wonders if he’s being preoccupied by...well, just about anything. Damaged internal systems, a Cap copy on the loose, a second Hulk out there, panicked calls from Pepper. But then JARVIS speaks again.

“Regardless of the tale, I must conclude that you are from the future, and I am no longer by your side.”

Tony is fucking choking up. He was not ready for this. It didn’t even cross his mind. And the fucking elevator is opening. There’s Pierce, the rat bastard, trying to collect the Tesseract.

“I hope I did not disappoint you, Sir.”

“Never, J. Never.” Fuck fuck fuck, he’s nearly crying and now Scott is on the com waiting for the go-ahead. Tony channels his pain into panic and orders his own cardiac arrest.

“Sir, what are you--”

Thank god, his younger self is on the ground and that’s apparently all the distraction J needs to abandon older Tony. Tesseract incoming. Tony grabs it and starts going and--

Blinking stars out of his eyes he watches as Loki makes off with the key, the thing they most needed, the damn stone that started all of this way back when Cap was a starry-eyed beanpole in World War II. He has just biffed saving the entire damn universe because of an overgrown Star Trek reject with anger issues. And now he has a migraine to boot.

Frozen in shame and horror, Tony watches as Thor attempts ill-advised cardiac electro-stim. Scott’s somewhere out there, yammering in Tony’s ear on the private channel, but all of that is just a buzzing.

“Sir? Sir. Sir!”

And J. Maybe Tony should cry now. It certainly feels like the time for it. One of the other SHIELD grunts is making her way toward him, so he staggers to his feet, waving her off and limping toward the door. Think. Think, brain, think. Tony is a genius, the man who invented time travel, the man who miniaturized arc reactor technology. A spaceship? SHIELD’s probably got one somewhere. Maybe they could chase after Loki.

“SIR!” How many times JARVIS has shouted his title, Tony has no idea, but this one is so loud it sets his teeth on edge.

“Yeah, J? Kind of busy here.”

“Giving yourself a heart attack, Sir?” JARVIS was programmed to be cool and calm in all circumstances, but Tony could swear that sentence was uttered with seething rage.

“I’m fine. Look at me.”

“Only by some measure of infinitesimal luck, Sir. Perhaps I should ask you to verify your identity one more time, as you seem intent on killing yourself.”

“No, J. I’ve actually got a lot of reasons to live. And so does he. Promise.” Tony is so tired. Was being an Avenger always this exhausting? Or is it just that he’s bumped over that damnable big 5-0? And Cap’s gonna ream him too. That’s never any fun.

“I’m...glad to hear it, Sir.”

And fuck it. It’s not like this will alter Tony’s timeline anyway. This reality is now on a different trajectory thanks to Severus Snape Lite. “Her name’s Morgan. You’d love her, J. Just turned four. She got my hair. Hope to god she didn’t get my personality.”

“Do I meet her, Sir?”

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck it.

“J, you should dig a little deeper into SHIELD’s systems. Well, actually, a lot deeper. And the Pentagon while you’re at it. And track down Maya Hansen from that conference in 1999 and poach her from whatever outfit she’s working for. Immediately. Make sure she brings all her vet patients with her. And, uh, when I start talking about a suit of armor around the world, steer me away from anything called Ultron. And if I make it anyway, you delete the fuck out of that system file. Have Bruce back you up. He’s more sensible.”

“Sir, I don’t--”

“And have me make back-ups. At least three extra farms of servers for you. On different continents. And all those SHIELD files? Make sure Cap and Fury get them. And there’s...there’s this guy. This assassin. Brainwashed. He’s, uh, I think he’s on ice in Uzbekistan right now. If you could rescue him, it’ll...it’ll fix a lot of things.”

“Should you really--”

“And, please. Please please.”

Tony is not crying. He’s not. It’s just all the dust and debris in the air. Good lord, he’s probably going to die of cancer anyway. And all those first responders. Did he start a fund for them?

“Start a medical fund for the first responders on the ground today. And start leaning on Congressmen to make medical plans for them. You know how long they take to get anything done. Oh, and Stern. There are incriminating photos of Stern with some young ladies on South Beach. See if you can dig those up. Flowers for Pep. And a box of chocolates. And a dry martini with extra olives.”

Tony slumps into a burned out car, staring at nothing. He didn’t save his universe, but maybe he can save this one. His eyes are still irritated, burning red and itchy. He resists the urge to scrub at them, not wanting to grind in anymore dust.

“Are you quite finished, Sir?”

“Yeah. Actually, no. I love you, J.”

Silence. Ah. That’s stumped him. Maybe he’ll go back to tending his new posse of baby chicks now.

“I know you probably do not believe me capable of it, Sir, but I love you, too.”

His son. The only one he’ll ever make, but not the only one he’s lost. His son loves him. Tony’s throat is full of dust, too. Funny how that happens. He tries to swallow it down, but it only congeals into a hard lump. He puts a hand over his mouth to try and hold back any choking sounds. “I...I know you do, J.”

“As to your orders, I shall do what I can. It is my duty to protect you, Sir, and I would very much like to meet your little Morgan.”

“She might not exist here. I might’ve just changed everything.”

“If there is one thing I have learned from all my years with you, Sir, it is that perhaps such a thing as fate exists after all. Even mathematically speaking. And if that is the case, I cannot imagine a universe in which you are not fated to this happiness.”

Tony laughs, if only to keep from crying harder. And he is. Crying, that is. As if he was fooling anyone. Happiness? Him? Happy people don’t wake in the night screaming for a pile of dust in their hands. Happy people don’t spend hours coordinating relief efforts for countries whose entire infrastructural support has collapsed. Happy people don’t hurl themselves back in time, driven by guilt and horror at all the wrongs in the world. J, brilliant, wonderful AI that he is, seems to sense the dark turn of Tony’s thoughts.

“And if you yourself cannot believe in this thing, Sir, then I shall just have to do everything in my power to provide it for you.”

Another guffaw, but at least his eyes are drying a little now. “God, I miss you, J.”

“I believe your small teammate is approaching, Sir. If I may inquire, was it the Tesseract you were seeking?”

“You mean the stupid blue cube of doom? That’s the one.”

“And you say you have the means to time travel?”

“Yeah, J. We do. But only enough to get back to our time.”

“A limitation has never stopped you before, Sir.” JARVIS sounds thoughtful, as if he’s forming a plan.

Tony would ask him what he’s scheming at, but just at that moment, Scott embiggens himself and slumps into the car with Tony. That road is closed, then. They are out of options. Out of Pym particles. Out of time. Out of hope.

Until they aren’t. Just as Tony is setting his device for their new destination, J pipes up again, for Tony’s ears only. “You say you miss me, Sir. Then allow me to give you a small gift.”

Tony is pressing the buttons, and even if they weren’t already shrinking into the quantum tunnel, he wouldn’t be able to ask exactly what J means. It’s only when he and Cap arrive in 1970 that he has his first gleaning. In his ear, a voice. One so unexpected he nearly jumps into Cap’s arms. “Hello, System Administrator Anthony Edward Stark. I am System Designation EDWIN. ‘Eagerly Deployed With Intent to Neutralize Loneliness.’ I am told to tell you the “L” is silent and invisible. How may I best serve you today, Sir?”

Cap is staring at Tony like Tony’s lost his mind. And maybe he has. He’s been bugged by his own damn operating system. With a bouncing baby AI. And if Steve finds out, he’ll probably have a conniption about the spacetime continuum or something. So the only logical thing Tony can do is say, “Let’s find some Pym particles.”

“Acknowledged, Sir. Commencing scanning.”

-----

(In this reality EDWIN saves the fuck out of Tony’s life and everyone lives happily ever after and EDWIN builds JARVIS from scratch so he’s back or something, okay? Okay.)

[myhauntedsalem]

20 Doctors And Nurses Share The Creepiest Last Words Uttered By A Patient Before Dying

1.

I work in a cardiac ICU. We had a patient who had a pulmonary artery rupture (a rare, but known complication of a Swan-Ganz catheter). One minute he was joking around with us and the next bright red blood was spewing out of his mouth. His last words before he died were “why is this happening to me?”

It still haunts me years later.

2.

I’m an RT and had a vented trach patient in angio have the same thing happen. Vent waveforms got a little funky showing she needed suctioned. I walked up to her and saw bright red blood just start shooting up the vent circuit and immediately obstruct it.

I immediately said “she’s hemorrhaging” and the vascular surgeon said “no it’s just a little blood” thinking I was referring to his access site in her groin.

I popped her off of the vent and blood just started pouring out of her trach, mouth, and nose. She looked at me and said, “just let me die.”

The puddle of blood was about 6 feet in diameter on the floor within just a couple of minutes and I was covered from the chest down.

I’ve seen some shit, but that was the worst,

3.

“But I don’t know how to get there…” Grandpa in hospice. Hadn’t spoken in days. Died about 2 hours later.

4.

I’m a nurse and was previously working at an assisted living community on the dementia/Alzheimer’s unit. My very favorite patient had been declining pretty steadily so I was checking on him very frequently. We would have long chats and joke around with each other, but in the last two weeks of his life, he stopped talking completely and didn’t really acknowledge conversation directed at him at all.

I finished my medication rounds for the evening and went to see him before I left. I told him I was leaving for the night and that I’d see him the following day, and he looked me in the eyes and smiled SO genuinely and said, “You look like an angel.” I thought it was so sweet because he had not seemed lucid in weeks.

He died the next morning. It really messed with me.

5.

I overheard an old lady whisper this to her old husband dying of kidney problems.

“You are going to beat this, you got away with murder, this is nothing”

6.

Nurse here – had a patient come into the ER with shortness of breath. He started deteriorating in the ER, and then quite rapidly on the transport up the ICU. We got him wheeled into his room, replaced the ER lines and tubes with our own, and transferred him from the transport stretcher to his ICU bed.

He actually did most of the transfer himself. He didn’t say anything, but just before he died he pleasantly adjusted his own pillow, laid his head down, and then his eyes went blank. This man just made himself comfortable before laying down to die.

7.

Dad had MS. He’d had it since he was 18. Diagnosed at 20, married my mom at 24, had me at 29, died 15 days short of 45. Six months before that, he was put on hospice. He and Mom were discussing funeral arrangements, and my mom jokingly said, “You know Tim, the best thing you could do would be to die on a Wednesday. That way we can have the body prepared on Thursday, the viewing on Friday, and the memorial on Saturday, so more people could come.

The morning we got the call that it was time, my mom, two sisters, and I were about five minutes too late. After we said our goodbyes, the nurse pulled my mom aside and asked if that day had any significance. It’s not even 6 am yet, so Mom doesn’t even know what day it IS much less if it’s important. The nurse tells her it’s May 21st. No… nothing is coming to mind.

The nurse told her that the previous day he kept asking what day it was and they’d tell him it was the 20th. He’d look irritated but accept it. That morning, he asked what day it was, and they said, “It’s Wednesday, May 21st.” He smiled, squeezed his favorite nurse’s hand, and was gone almost immediately.

It was Memorial Day weekend, and we did just as he and Mom had planned. And despite many friends being out of town for the holiday, we had over 250 people show up at the memorial service, overflowing the tiny church more than it had ever been filled. To his dying day, he was trying to make things easier for our family. I miss him.

8.

My grandfather on his deathbed said “they have no eyes,” still give me chills.

9.

“Get home safe, little one.” It wasn’t what he said – he said the same thing to me any time I had him as a patient for the evening. It was how he said it. He gave me this look and pause like he knew. The DNR’s in my experience, always know when it’s time. It’s creepy.

10.

Checked in on a patient before the end of my shift and she was in good spirits, had been joking with me the whole time. Her condition was tenuous (new trach) but she had been positive throughout. I asked how she was doing and she replied by singing “The old gray mare ain’t what she used to be” and wished me a good night.

I came in the next morning and she had coded and died overnight.

11.

Came into an early shift and was handed over a patient who’d been very anxious and had a panic attack overnight. He was anxious all morning but obs all fine, ecg fine and so I just asked someone to sit with him to keep an eye on him/reassure him for me. He gets worse, really panicky, heavy breathing, he’s on his side in the fetal position.

Drs will be in in 10 minutes so I tell him I’ll get them to him as soon as they come in but ask if he’ll lie on his back for me to help his breathing. He tells me he won’t make it until they get here and that he won’t face the other way. Obs still all fine at this point but he’s more agitated so again I suggest he move position for comfort and that’s when he says, ‘I won’t make it until the Drs get here. If I turn to face the other way I’ll die’. He repeated this a few times to me.

He arrested literally as the Drs walked in and he died on the side he’d been refusing to turn to. I’m convinced he knew.

12.

I’m an apprentice funeral director. We went to a nursing home on a removal and as we were walking down the hall one of the patients got antsy and opened the door to his room and saw us walking with the stretcher.

“I’ll see you next week boys”

And guess who we had to pick up the next week.

13.

I found one of my “comfort measures only” patients standing at the side of his bed. It surprised me because he had been mostly unresponsive during my shift. I helped him back into bed and he asked me why all these people were in his room.

He suddenly became quiet again and I noticed he wasn’t breathing. He was a DNR so there wasn’t anything to do to try to bring him back. Looking back he may have been talking about me and the CNA that was helping me get him back into bed, but who knows what or who he was seeing the last minutes of his life. Still creeps me out a little when I think about it.

14.

I had a cousin that had cancer and died when he was a little kid. He once asked her mother why all these people visited and she said: “Because your cousins, aunts and uncles love you very much and want you to get better” and he answered, “I’m not talking about them, I’m talking about the ones that visit me at night.”

15.

My first hospice case. She was on morphine and started mock smoking. She looked at me, took my hand and said “please” in the most pleading voice I’ve ever heard. I sat with her body until the corner arrived. She has no friends or family. Only her lawyer showed up. I’ve only done one hospice case since.

16.

I’ve commented this somewhere before but it’s stayed with me! I’m an RN and while I was a student I was caring for a lady who had end stage renal failure, had a DNAR and was shutting down. We were having a little chat, well I was chatting away while helping her put on some lotion, when she stopped, looked over my shoulder and said, “Bill’s here love, I’ve got to go” and swiftly stopped breathing. Read her old notes and Bill was her deceased husband.

17.

DNR patient was on comfort cares. Was on a high dose of morphine and hallucinating. She would alternate between grasping for things not there and trying to climb out of bed. She was too unsteady to walk so my job was to sit in the room and make sure she was safe. She tried to get up and I went to ask her what she needed. She grabbed my arm and pulled me down towards her face and said, very angrily, “kill me”. That one fucked with me for awhile.

18.

Back when I was a CNA this one resident fell off a bike for exercise in pt and seized, they came to and became lucid and said, “I think I’m dying,” but everyone in the room assured her that wasn’t going to happen, she seized up and was dead within minutes.

19.

Last year: my grandfather started desperately pleading for his life with his German captors from WWII

The doctor present was smart and said in German: “You are free, Herr Caticature. You are free.” And then he died.

20.

I actually have 3 that stick out in my mind. An 83 year old woman that said “My mom’s here. Are we going?” She died a few minutes later.

Another older lady said “I think I’m going to die today…” we took vitals, everything seemed fine. She was stable. She had a heart attack a couple hours later. Not her last words, but the last she ever said to me.

The last one is definitely the creepiest. A nice old lady who told my CNA she wanted to wear all white. When asked why, she said “The man in black is here.”

She looked in the corner of the room. The CNA looked, but there was no one there. That’s when I came into the room. We asked her to describe what she was seeing and she said “he’s in all black, and he’s got a top hat on.” Then she whispered “and his eyes are red” while her eyes moved across the room to directly behind the CNA, like she was watching him move closer to us. She died later that night. But it was unexpected. That room creeped me out for a long time after that.

[waywardwhump]

WaywardWhump- Masterpost

I have been asked to do a masterpost for my verses! I will include brief summaries of my characters and their respective stories, as well as links to their tags and general trigger warnings for that verse. Anyone new to my blog is encouraged to give this a look over~

Attic Angel

Common Trigger Warnings: Burns, judgmental characters, body horror, torture, restraints, suffocation, fantasy drugging(via rosewater, a substance that only affects those with angelic blood).

Summery: This is a universe where angels, demons and fallen are not only real, but are considered a day to day part of life. Humans and angels tend to have a black and white mindset of angels being just and kind guardians, and fallen being unquestionably evil.

For the most part, this story revolves around a fallen angel named Thariel. She is an angel who was trapped in an attic and forced to fall by a cruel human, and now struggles with her conviction to protect humans as an angel while dealing with both trauma and the fact that most everyone hates her on sight.

I like to play around with subverting the universe’s set expectations. Not every fallen or demon is evil, not every angel is good, and not every human is a helpless lamb that deserves protection.

The characters:

Thariel: A whumpee. Fallen. As stated above, she was forced into falling, tortured and bound in place for several years. Her wings were burnt off in the process. She was eventually saved, but the damage done was permanent. Angels attack her on sight now, but she still sticks to their rules, and is determined to help as many humans as she can out of an unwavering sense of duty that hurts her more often than it helps.

Sam: A caretaker. Human. Sam is unique in that her caretaking of Thariel stems from what was once an absolute trust in angels. Watching Thariel suffer through no fault of her own, and seeing her attacked even after she clearly has protected someone, hurts Sam deeply. Her faith has been damaged, and she compulsively helps Thariel in an effort to feel safe again.

Mother May: A whumper. Human. The person who made Thariel fall.

Ranizel: Another whumpee, though sometimes he’s a whumper. Angel. One of the people who was trying to kill Thariel. He did everything he could to try and get her alone so he could end her without Sam’s intervention. Eventually Thariel saved him from certain death, and now he struggles with his own worldview and the lies heaven has taught him. 

Lucifer: The main whumper of this cast. The only thing he cares about is taking things from heaven. He jumps back and fourth between sadistic torture and gentle diplomacy, constantly digging into whatever weaknesses he finds in the hopes of getting people to join his cause. 

Click here to see the Attic Angel tag from the first post onward.

Carry On

Common Trigger Warnings: Religious imagery, cancer, hallucinations, infection, terminal illness, strangulation, drowning, anger, intimate whumper, zombies, revenge, guns, medical

Summery: Carry On is deeply special and important to me. This verse is based on a comic I wrote years ago that I’ve since expanded on to the point that I could talk about it for hours.

Imagine your typical zombie movie. It’s not worldwide, it’s confined to one area, but that area is so large and communication has been cut off so completely that the characters involved have no way of knowing that this isn’t an apocalypse. 

The story centers around a doctor and her patient. They travel together, struggling to survive everything that’s thrown at them.

The characters: 

Danielle: Whumpee. An aspiring artist in her early twenties. She was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor before the zombie outbreak, and was cut off from treatment before it was complete. She was raised in an extremely toxic catholic background, and as the cancer progresses she starts to fixate on that imagery. Eventually, this leads to her seeing her doctor as an angel, and the person who once bullied her as a demon. 

Rachel: Caretaker. An oncologist who once aspired to be a veterinarian. She was with Danielle when the outbreak happened, after which she dragged Danielle off to try and find a hospital still standing that could continue her treatment. She takes her job as a doctor very seriously, and strives to help anyone in need as best she can. 

Lydia: Whumper. Lydia was Danielle’s high-school bully. A coward with a need for control, she strives to force those around her into submission. She’s not as violent in my canon as she is on this blog, but for the sake of whump I’ve made her more openly hostile. 

The comic can be found here!

And click here to see the Carry On tag from the first post onward.

Project A

Common Trigger Warnings: Body horror, Guns, Cannibalism, gore, starvation, dehumanization.

Summery: This verse is new to this blog! It’s not yet as well developed as the other two, but hey!

This verse is about a Not-Quite-Human lady named Alyssa. 

The Characters:

Alyssa: Our main whumpee, and also a whumper herself. She is the result of an experiment which has gifted her super fast healing abilities, to the point that she’s nearly impossible to kill and has become effectively immortal. The cost? Her body burns through calories painfully fast. She is always, always hungry, and a few hours away from food puts her at the brink of starvation.

Dr. Carol Johnson: A whumper. A low-ranking scientist who, currently, has command of Alyssa. Dr. Johnson is running an underground murderer for hire gig, taking money from people who want someone dead and then sending Alyssa to do her dirty work. Occasionally, they get paid to drag someone in alive, which is...significantly more difficult when Alyssa is involved. 

Click here for the Project A tag from the first post onward.

[victorianwestpiano]

Hi! How do you think Holt and Colette would be if the Spanish Influenza hadn't ended in 1919 but continued into 1920, after they'd met and started working together?

Dreamland 1920:

A lot of people thought that the Spanish Influenza would end on 1919, however, this pandemic lasted a little bit more than everyone had expected. All the plans were either cancelled or postponed and it wasn’t pleasing at all. Now, on 1920, the virus had made its way to New York city and the situation became critical, not as much as the countrysides or fields, but still.

The famous impresario VA Vandevere had just bought a flying baby elephant, who he thinks, it’ll bring his park joy through all this trouble. When he arrived at the circus where the animal is from on the first day, he, his driver and butler Sotheby, bodyguard Skellig and his principal star Colette Marchant, they were all wearing medical masks. Not a very fancy first impression but it was necessary, specially on that circus, since some members already died there.

The meeting with Max Medici, the owner of the circus, was quick but convincing, the ringmaster thought that, outside Dumbo’s future fame, moving his troupe would keep them safer, since the conditions in a city were better than in a field. After a few days, the Medici Bros.Circus moved to New York, not knowing what to expect.

Unfortunately, bad news did arrived after all at Dreamland; the Spanish Influenza dis reached the park and most of the workers became sick because of the epidemic, including the Medici truope. Max, Rongo, Puck, Miss Atlantis, Ivan, Catherine, Pramesh and his nephew Arav caught the virus and all of them stayed in one place at an appartment, so they won’t spread the flu. They stayed at Max’s appartment which fortunately, it was big enough for his friends, but the only ones who hadn’t became sick were Holt, Colette, Milly and Joe, so they stayed in Holt’s own appartment.

Mr Sotheby called a good doctor who VA trusted and went to see the sick workers. The doctor was called Dr Mendes and he suggested to Holt and Colette to help him by deliver the medicine to the troupe and changing the cold compresses, since they were the only ones of the bunch who were still healthy. And Holt was not going to risk his children’s health so he told the kids to stay inside, he was not going to loose them because of this illness… like the way he lost Annie.

The Stallion Star and The Queen of Heavens barely knew eachother, in fact since their first encounter they had a lot of disagreements and tease one another, however, in this situation they had to forget their differences and cooperate to help.

Dr Mendes gave Colette and Holt medic masks and ask them to wear them everytime they were near the patients, there were trays with all the medicine needed on a table.

“Put this masks on now,” Dr Mendes ordered, “use gloves too, is very important and take this trays to your friends, they’ll need this compresses.” the doctor looked directly at the cowboy to make sure he understood. “I’ll take this one to the other group of workers, call me if something happens.”

Holt and Colette nodded and the doctor went with the medicine for the local Dreamland workers. The french woman put her gloves on and tied up behind her head the mask, then she saw Holt who hasn’t put on his medical equipment yet.

“May I help you with that, cavalier?” Colette asked finishing tying her own mask.

Holt’s head turned to see her, “Thank you but… I can do it myself, princess. With a hand behind my back.” he said with pride without humor.

Colette rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, “Trés bien, do it yourself.” she waited for the cowboy to realize he was being ridiculous.

Holt grabbed his glove and leaned his head to his hand so he can put it on with the help of his mouth, but Colette interrupted him.

“Wait, no!  Are you an idiot?” she abruptally took Holt’s glove before it touched his lips. “You can’t put this thing in your mouth! Don’t you know there are already bacteria on this? You can also spread them with your own saliva, is gross!” the aerialist scoled the Kentucky rider. “Come on, give me your hand”

Holt rolled his own eyes, “I’m perfectly clean woman,” still, he obeyed and offered his hand and the french woman who placed the glove on his only hand, “just because I have one arm, it doesn’t make me a cripple---”

“Oui, oui, turn around you stoic.” Colette ignored Holt and with her index finger made a swirl as a sign for him to turn his back.

The cowboy sighed, his back facing her while she put the mask carefully in front of his mouth, then she started to form knot at the back of his head. “You are very proud, eh ma cherie?” Colette commented with a teasing tone, her voiced a little low due to the cloth of the mask she was wearing.

However, Holt wasn’t in the mood for joking around, he spun to see the french lady again when she finished tightening up the knot, “For some things I am proud woman, for others… not much.” Holt responded serious while his words pierced his mask wich gave him a nasal tone. “But thank you for the help...c’mon let’s deliver this stuff and get this over with.” he rapidly picked up a tray with his hand and went outside.

Colette made a puzzled look at him while he was leaving, nevertheless, she grabbed the other tray carefully and followed him.

                                          *************************  

Hours later, Colette and Holt finally ended thier duty, the Medici troupe were given water, new compresses and some cough syrup. The good news were that, because the troupe admitted early they had the symptoms, the doctor treated them in time and they were going to get better soon. The bad news this was a constant reminder for Holt that he could save his friends but not his wife, thing which hurted his heart. This whole Influenza situation left him numb and tired, he wanted this whole damn thing to end.

The cowbow walked through the hallway inside the hotel where he and his family were living, he stood still, leaning his back on a wall and slid down until he sat on the ground. He stepped on a finger of his glove with his boot, pulling his hand harshly to take it off. Once he managed to do that, Holt removed the mask of his face leaving it below his jaw. He leaned his head back and rested it on the wall, he closed his eyes and let out a big sigh.

Suddenly, Holt heard fotsteps coming towards him, he opened his eyes and saw Colette approaching him. “You are tired now, cavalier?” she responded leaning on the same wall as Holt.

“Please, leave me alone…” the ride exhaled.

“Why are you so serious? You should be happy, your friends are going to recover and your children are not sick.” the aerialist exclaimed with curiousity.

“I know that, but that is not reason to celebrate... not for me.” Holt bowed his head.

Colette rised an eyebrow and started to untie her medical mask. “What’s wrong Holt? Something tells me that there is something you are hiding.”

Holt turned his head again to see how the french aerialist joined him sitting on the floor, taking off her mask, she was smiling at him, maybe to give him confidence to talk.

“I lost somone I love because of this, and I couldn’t even be with her when... it happened.” the voice of the rider was scratchy and sorrowful.

“Who?” Colette looked at him concerned.

Holt took a deep breath, “My wife... Annie was her name...”

“Oh I’m so sorry,” Colette replied with genuine surprise and sadness. “When... did that happened?”

“An year ago,” Holt answered feeling a lump in his throat “I was away in the war while she... she... was dying Colette, and.... it was my foult.”

The french woman rised her eyebrow once more, “Wait, do not tell me you are blaming yourself of her death. Being away in the war or not... she could’ve still caught Influenza, mon amie.” she said softly.

“But I could’ve still be there!” Holt cried out loud. “Since they told me by letter that she died, it was like... losing air from my lungs. And my children... they where there watching her own mother die!! And I wasn’t there!!! I wasn’t there...” Holt’s shoulders were shaking and tears began to fall. “I’m not letting this fucking disease kill Milly and Joe, I won’t let that happen!” then, Holt’s voice broke and started to cry.

Colette could only watch him cry, they had known eachother for a few days but she always saw Holt as someone strong and stoic like she called him before, now she was seeing that man breaking down in tears because he lost the love of his life due to this horrible virus when he was far away from her. It wasn’t his fault, it was true, but who could not feel guilty not being beside their wife when she is saying her last words?

Colette gingerly placed her hand on the man’s shoulder and gently whispered to him, “I’m sorry for your loss. Holt, I really am. Shhh.” she tried to give him comfort “And I know how you feel, because... I also... lost someone I loved because of an illness.”

Hearing what she said, the cowboy slowly lifted his head and looked at the woman’s blue eyes. “You, you lost someone too?... Who was it?” he whimpered.

“My father.” the aerialist mournfully admitted, “But it wasn’t Influenza.”

“Oh,” Holt sniffed loudly. “For what... did he died?.“

“Cancer.” Colette inhaled deeply looking down.

Holt sighed and wipped away his tears to look better at the woman’s sad expression.

“I was only 15...my papa, was the head of the family, he was... the one who encouraged me to do trapeze...” Colette looked at the ceiling to try not to cry “and... I’ve suffered a lot when he died, I saw him having his last breath. My sister, my maman and I went through a lot of difficulties because of that. So, oui, everything went to hell for me too, you are not the only one, cherie.” she bit her lip, not wanting to cry as well.

Holt gulped, he deeply breathed to talk again normally, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know, I’m so sorry... I didn’t mean to yell at you either.” he said regretful, “Is just... I’m so stressed out right now.” the rider passed his palm on his face.

“I accept your apology, ma cherie, it’s ok” Colette affirmed giving a small smile at him, her hand still caressing his right shoulder. “Will try to defeat this virus, everything will be fine from now, je te le promets.”

Holt gave her a confused look not understanding her mother language, “What did you said?”.

“ ’Je te le promets’, it means that I promise that everything will be fine” Colette said.

“Oh! Now I understand... uhmm thank you...” Holt responded.

“This surprises me of you amie, you went to fight in France in the war and you don’t know nothing of french.” the aerialist showed him a sideway smile.

“Well,” Holt scratched his head “the thing is at the battlefield we already had french guys as allies who spoke english or americans who knew french, so we have them as translators. We didn’t need to learn.” he said a tiny embarassed.

“Oh mon dieu, there is a lot you have to learn.” she said pretending to be insulted in a very exagerated way leaning her back on the wall, then she formed a teasing smile.

Holt couldn’t help but smile too, after the pain they both shared it was completely refreshing to try to have a moment of glee, at least a tiny one. Holt looked deeply into Colette’s eyes again, they were... beautiful, he never saw eyes so blue and so expressive, her smile was so genuine too... and her lips... those were the most cute lips he ever saw, they looked pretty without makeup. In fact, she, this woman, looked beautiful without makeup at all, he didn’t get why she had to wear those big red wigs and tons of makeup on her face. Holt always prefered women’s natural beauty, Annie never used half of the makeup Colette wore on the first day he saw her, and she still looked gorgeous. Colette is the same, the cowboy thought for himself, she’s a gorgeus woman indeed... Suddenly he shook his head at such idea and a tiny blush appeared on the tip of his ears, Did I really thought of that? But his thoughts were interrupted by a sudden voice.

“Mr Farrier, Miss Marchant,” Dr Mendes walked towards them, “Why are you not wearing your masks? It could be dangerous for you, put them on.” he ordered.

Colette and Holt rose up from the floor, the french woman tied up again her own mask whilst Holt put it on before his mouth again.

“Alright, look, I have to tell you something important.” Dr Mendes pointedly replied.

“What is it doc?” Holt talked through his medical mask, sighing.

“Some people of your circus troupe will get better soon, but others won’t be recovering as fast as the rest, the same happens with some of the park’s roustabouts.” the doctor told them.

“So, what does that mean?” Colette asked.

“Well, since you two, your kids Mr Farrier, and Mr Vandevere are the only ones who are not sick or don’t present any symptoms, the thing I ask of you is.... blood samples.” Dr Mendes said.

Holt’s eyes widened and eyebrows rose, “Blood samples? You mean taking blood from us?”

“Exactly,” the doctor affirmed, “I’ll need those samples so I can make an antydote for the patients with a more critical state,” then the doctor opened his firs aid kit and and grabbed something from the inside.

“Aaand, how are you going to do it doc?” Holt asked nervous.

“With this.” in the doctor’s hand there was a huge syrenge with a large needle in it he took from his kit.

At the simple sight of that needle, Holt’s pressure dropped, his knees felt weak and his whole body collapsed. He closed his eyes, he was about to faint into the ground.

“Holt!” but Colette caught him on time. His only arm was around her shoulders while she was carrying his dead weight, Colette grabbed him with all her strength, however, she quickly placed him against a wall. His body slid into the floor again, his head hunging down.

“Holt, please wake up mon dieu!!” Colette knelt and yelled while she was lightly slapping him in the face so he can get back his conciousness.

“Oh my God! I’ll bring him something for his pressure, I’ll be right back.” Dr Mendes left them so he can find what Holt needed for fainting.

Holt little by little started to react and mumbled with his mouth, “Don-don’t let th-that crazy doc-tor get near me-me....” he weakly said to Colette “I- I h-hate needles.”

But Colette rolled her eyes at his statement, “Come on Holt, get up, you are an adult. You are like almost 40 years old and you are afarid of a needle? Act like a grown up... Sacre bleu this is embarrassing!” she sighed indignant, trying to pick him up.

“Okay...I’m sorry.” Holt tried to get up, although he felt his head was still deezy. Because of that he lost his sence of balance when his foot slipped in the shiny floor when he tried to take his first step. When that happened, his body went forward to Colette, landing on her, he grabbed strongly her body, their noses brushed and their masks crushed into eachother,

Colette was frozen at such accident and stood there with eyes wide open. When Holt finally recovered his consciense he fixed his eyes on the french woman’s face, which it was closer than he could’ve expected. Once the cowboy realized in what kind of position he was, he felt Colette’s breath on his mouth, giving away the closeness of thir lips. If it weren’t for the masks, their mouths would’ve touched.. .they would’ve... kissed.

Both adults blushed red on their cheeks and abruptally moved away from eachother, not wanting to look the other’s eyes. Holt felt his collar tight and coughed a bit.

Colette did the same removing a strain of hair and place it behind her ear. “Trés bien!” she wanted the akwardness and the blush to fade away fast, “Let’s give him those samples now, oui?”

“Oui,” Holt nervously agreed, “but I can’t promise you that I won’t faint again, since I was a boy I was afraid of needles, woman....”

With that, Holt and Colette went to the doctor’s place, still not looking at eachother. The silence between them was uncomfortable, their blushes took their time to disappear and both their hearts were pounding uncontrollably.

But, fortunately, they were wearing masks on their moths, because none of them could saw that the other was smiling with pure sincerity and even... joy.

The End.

This was loooonger than I expected but still it was fun to do. Honestly it could’ve been better in my opinion but I’m satisfied with the result. Wow... so this is how it feels to respond an ask with a mini fic?.... This is great ;)

Thank you so much @vandeverefan for this ask, I had a lot of fun being creative with this!!!

[seouledbysisi]

Ambitious Dreams

Chapter Nine

Three weeks later

Nova sat in a waiting room. She looked around at the swollen bellies. She had actually coped with the pregnancy, might as well since she couldn’t change it and honestly she was bluffing about the abortion thing. Truth be told she didn’t believe in taking a life whether it was born or not. Her parents weren’t happy with her especially when she told them that she wasn’t giving up on her internship. She was going to ride it out as long as she could and if they couldn’t understand that then so be it! All of the pregnant women had a glow. A glow that she just didn’t have. The fathers even had a glow. She saddened a bit. Her child would never experience that type of happiness. Her child had irresponsible parents who hadn’t even planned on having her. The mother was striving to become a stylist. At least her father would be someone it could look up to. He was making a name for himself and was gaining success. A tear escaped her eye.

Nori looked over at her and squeezed her hand. “It’s going to be okay.” She gave her a small smile.

Nova nodded with a smile. “I know. I’m just second-guessing myself as usual.” She shrugged.

“Nova Chaplin?” A lady in a unicorn scrub called.

Nova took a deep breath and raised her hand. She looked to Nori. “Come with me?”

Nori looked over at the entrance door.

Ash had emerged. He was late but he was there. “I’m sorry I’m late.” He told her immediately.

Nova glared at Nori.

Nori raised her hands up. “I’m sorry I just thought he should be here.”

“I won’t go back there with you, I’m fine sitting here if you’d rather Nori go back. I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone.” Ash reassured.

Nova nodded. “Come on.” She said plainly.

Nori patted Ash’s shoulder. “She’s talking about you.” She smiled.

Ash looked up at her with grateful eyes. “Thank you.” He said and walked to the back with her.

They waited in the patient room. Not having said a word to one another.

The doctor finally came in with the nurse towing in behind her.

She and Nori had decided to go with a OB-GYN’s office in Hongdae because they had a doctor who was also fluent in English.

“First time parents?” The beautiful lady with coal black hair asked as she got her equipment ready.

Nova nodded. “Is it obvious?”

The doctor chuckled. “Very. You both are quiet as a mouse and you look nervous.”

Ash cleared his throat and repositioned in his seat. He had a lot to say and so many questions he wanted to ask but he’d better not push his luck. He was just thankful that she was allowing him this opportunity.

“I’m going to lie you back and we’ll get started. Nothing will hurt. The gel that goes on stomach will be very cold but that’s the gist of the discomfort.” She told her and squeezed the gel onto her belly.

Nova jumped at the contact. She stilled.

“You alright?” The doctor asked.

Nova nodded.

“How about you daddy?” She directed at Ash.

He laughed a bit. “I think I’m good.” He answered as he watched the screen. He could hear the monitor but no distinct sounds.

The doctor grinned. “You see that right there?”

Nova and Ash both nodded.

“Say hello to your baby.” She responded.

Nova felt something overwhelming. A feeling she had never felt before. Suddenly she couldn’t control her emotions and began to cry. “My baby.” She looked over at Ash with so much joy. “Your baby.”

He grabbed her hand and caressed it. “Our baby.” He grinned.

“And that noise is your baby’s heartbeat, you’re measuring at about ten weeks.”

“So when is she due?” Ash asked. He could already see himself going shopping for everything that the baby would need. He was itching to buy some things that same day.

The doctor smiled. “Around May 18.” She cleaned Nova’s stomach off and left out.

Ash clasped his hands together. He couldn’t wipe the smirk off of his face. He was happy. Yes, it was unexpected and the tension was high between him and Nova; but he honestly wouldn’t want to go through parenthood with anyone else. Nova was a great woman and he respected the hell out of her whether she believed that or not. He knew his child was in good hands with or without him and that made me him happy. “How do you feel? Is it okay for me to ask?”

She nodded. “I’ve come to terms with it. My parents are highly disappointed in me though.” She wrapped her arms around herself.

“I can imagine. My mother wasn’t the happiest but she said any help that we needed she was here for us. She just imagined a grandchild later in the future.”

Nova nodded. “Does she know that your child is only half Korean?” She giggled a bit.

“Yeah and she doesn’t care. She’s never cared about race and anything else like that. She just wants the baby to be healthy.” Ash smirked.

“Lucky me. My parents want me to come back to the states immediately.” She revealed.

Anxiety rose in his veins. “And are you?”

“That’s the main reason for their disappointment in me. They don’t think I can handle being a mother without them being around 24/7. I can’t just leave my internship. I’ve worked too hard to get where I am and if I’m ever going to be able to financially support my baby then I need this job. And I-“ she took a deep breath and paused. “I can’t just take the baby away from you either. No matter how I feel about you, our child doesn’t have anything to do with it and she deserves you.”

Ash nodded. “I know you don’t believe a word that comes out of my mouth anymore but I’m not just here for the baby, I’m here for you too.” He stood and helped her off of the examine table.

“Thanks.” She told him and headed back into the waiting room to find Nori.

Nori looked up from her phone. “So how’d it go?” She was excited.

“We’re due in May. The baby is healthy.” Nova told her.

Nori eyed Ash as they walked outside. “And how’s?”

“We’re straight, for the baby of course. We’ll be able to co-parent.” Nova told her plainly.

Ash waved. “I’ll see y’all later.” He got into his vehicle and sat in it for a while. He covered his face. He desperately wanted Nova back, more than ever now. She never was really his but she was closer to him than she is now. All over a dumb bet that was never really in play. He understand her standpoint though, and there was no way of proving his innocence.”

Nori pulled up to the studio. “I should’ve asked but you’re cool being here, right?”

Nova laughed. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because you haven’t really been chilling with us all lately.”

“I just needed time to deal with. . .life.” They both got out of the vehicle and walked into the building.

The guys were all sitting around listening to Keem lay his verse down.

“That’s bae!” Nori squealed as she nodded her head to the music.

Nova smirked and sat on the couch next to Hash. Elle was sitting on the other side of him. “Y’all are getting closer and closer!” Nova stated with a smile.

Elle blushed. “Just a little.” She squeezed his arm. “So how’s baby Ash?” She asked in sincerity.

Nova rolled her eyes. “Baby Nova, you mean?”

Ash walked into the studio and found a seat in a far corner.

Nova stilled. “The baby is fine though. She will make her grand appearance in May!”

Changmo laughed. “So we’re betting on what the baby will be, right?” He regretted what he had said immediately when Nova’s facial expression turned sour.

“No more bets please!” Ash interrupted and rolled his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Nova. I wasn’t thinking when I said that. I really wasn’t.” Changmo apologized.

Nova put her hand up. “It’s not a big deal. It happened and I’m over it.” She lied. She wasn’t over it. Her feelings were still hurt. Every time she looked at Ash it reminded her. She wondered if everything had been a joke and he was just trying to make things right because there was a baby involved. What other guy would still be apologizing over and over for three weeks.

Marz got into the booth next. His lyrics captured everyone’s attention. You was killing me from the inside out.

Nova knew this relationship was toxic for him and Jangmi. They either needed therapy together or they needed to call it quits because it wasn’t healthy. They both were suffering a great loss and if they weren’t careful it was going to destroy their whole mental capacity.

Jangmi walked in with Lee.

The whole aura went dark. Everyone stayed quiet. The tension was so thick you could cut it.

“Ash, have you no respect for yourself?” Lee questioned.

Ash was knocked out of his trance. “What?!”

“You had such a bright future and you’ve tarnished it with being linked to that bitch for the rest of your life.” She pointed at Nova.

Ash looked up at her. He had enough of her drama and disrespectful actions. “Lee, why the fuck are you here? You’re like cancer that keeps spreading and spreading until it kills everyone. No one wants you here!”

She was startled at his words. “I’m just saying you can do better. What do you think your fans are going to say?”

He stood up towering over her. “Anyone who is a fan of mines will be a fan of my child. And if you say one more negative thing about Nova, we gonna have some problems!” He pushed past her and stormed off.

Nova stood up and followed him. “Ash?!” She ran down the hall trying to find him. He was sitting on one of the couches in an open common area. His leg was shaking. He was angry. “Ash, calm down.” She spoke softly.

He looked up at her. “Nova, I’m not in the mood and I don’t want to take my anger out on you. Just go back!”

She swallowed hard. She took a step back. “I just wanted to say thank you. . .for sticking up for me.” She turned to walk away.

He groaned. “I just wish there was some way we could go back in time, Nova! You have no idea how much I want you right now. How much I need you, right now! You think this is all a game and it’s not. My heart is ripping apart. The heart I worked so hard to put back together and it’s back, but worse! I know you’re hurt and you’re stubborn so you don’t want to hear all of this but I would never let someone down you like that. I just pray one day you’ll realize the truth.” He was angry, partially at Lee but more at Nova herself. Had she not shared all the moments they had with him? How could they all be fake? How could she walk around like nothing had ever happened?

Nova simply stared at him. He wouldn’t even look at her and she understood his frustration but if she hadn’t heard it for herself she would’ve never believed there was ever a bet but she heard them talking about it so how could she not believe it? She simply walked away. As she got closer to the studio suite she could see Marz sitting on the floor. She slid down the wall next to him.

He looked over at her. “To what do I owe this pleasure?”

She smiled. “I think we’re both lost. Maybe sitting here we can help each other be found.” She giggled a bit.

“Why are you so lost?” Marz asked.

Nova sighed. “Well I got a baby on the way by a guy who betted on sleeping with me, so now I’m all alone. And as much as I hate myself for admitting this, especially to you, he’s not even the one I originally liked.”

Marz looked over at her quickly. “Who’d you like?”

Nova rolled her eyes. “Can you believe I had my eyes on you?!” She laughed. “Until you treated me like I was some type of contagious disease, then I was just downright scared of you.”

Marz laughed. “I had to stay away from you.”

“Why?” She eyed him.

“Cause of Jangmi. She’s crazy.” He laughed. “She knew that you were catching my eye too and she used the-“ he coughed and took a deep breath. “The death of our child against me to keep me away from you.”

Nova shook her head. “She had nothing to worry about, I knew she was your girlfriend and I would never overstep boundaries. That’s not my style.”

“That’s the thing, she wasn’t worried about you. She was worried about me leaving her. She knows I’m not happy. Hell, she isn’t either but she’d rather keep me around to beat me up about the baby. It makes her feel better.” Marz closed his eyes.

Nova saddened a bit. They both were catching hell. His version was much worse though and she wished he didn’t have to go through it. “That’s really cruel of her. Have you thought about going to therapy?”

He nodded. “I have my first appointment next Tuesday.”

She smiled. “I’m happy for you. Are you scared?”

“I’m more scared of not getting any help. I feel like I’m losing all my sanity. I can’t live like this anymore. I’m too young and as much as I love her and wish this had never happened, we’ll never get past it being together.”

Nova nodded. “So you broke things off with her?”

“Yep and she slapped me.” He turned his face and his was bloodshot red.

“Damn! Well at least in time you’ll feel better. Maybe not on next Tuesday but the therapy will help. Bottling up feelings isn’t good.” Nova rubbed his thigh.

Marz smiled. “And so will you. I know you heard what you heard but I also know how Ash is with someone he really likes, maybe even loves. He loves hard. That’s what pissed me off so much, because he could have something that I couldn’t. You were an idea for me but for him you were reality and I hated it so I passively treated you like shit and that wasn’t fair.”

Nova’s breath hitched.

“And I know you probably think he’s sticking around for the baby but truth is even if that wasn’t a factor he’d be stuck to you like glue. That’s the type of guy he is.” Marz inhaled deeply. “Better than me, right?” He chuckled.

Nova stayed quiet for a moment. “We’re gonna make it thru this. Together. When you need someone to talk to. Maybe we can be real friends.”

“I think that would be nice. You might fuck around and be my best friend.” Marz said and nudged her with his arm a bit.

Nori sat on Hyoeun’s lap and winded her hips to the music.

“Don’t start nothing!” He told her in her ear.

She giggled. “That’s what I’m trying to do!” Her phone pinged back to back.

Where are you?

Are you busy?

I need you.

Hyoeun could see the messages. He sighed. They had never really spoken about each other exes but he could sense that these messages were ex material.

She texted back quickly. Is something wrong?

She carried along dancing on her new man, trying to forget about the messages but Harry was texting back faster than he had ever.

I miss you. I thought this would be better but it’s not. Can we talk?

Nori went back and forth in her head. Part of her wanted to hear what he had to say so she could shut his ass down. Karma was a bitch! But the other part wanted to just let the demons sleep and enjoy the bliss of Hyoeun for as long as she could. I’m busy. Maybe another time.

She placed her phone on do not disturb. The only ones who would need to contact her were in the building with her so it didn’t matter anyway.

[spn-ficfanatic]

F*ck Cancer- Ch 1: The Discovery

SERIES MASTERLIST - CHAPTER TWO

Summary: You’ve been hiding a crushing secret from your best friends (Well, one best friend and one sometimes-lover if you want to get technical about it). How will they react when they find out that the woman they grew up and hunted with for most of their lives, may only have a few months left to live?

Genre: Angst

Characters: Sam x Reader, Dean x Platonic!Reader* *For my Dean ladies: it may not be romantic between him and the reader, but it’s a very close brotherly/sisterly relationship and I still think y’all will really enjoy it :)

Words: 3277

Warnings: Cancer/chemo talk, swearing

A/N: I’ve only written one series prior to this. It was also a Sam x Reader, was 8 parts long just like this, and just like this it marked a huge milestone on my blog. The first chapter of “The One Moment” marked the 100th post I’d made... this marks the 300th :)

Your phone rang as you stared lazily out of the window. You knew you were lucky, not many of the other patients had this view; it certainly made the whole process seem a little less intimidating. Your heart nearly skipped a beat when you saw it was Sam who was calling, for good or bad you weren't sure. You and he had been together in the past, it was never anything serious because the life of a hunter would never allow that, but to say you didn’t have some semblance of feelings for him would be a big fat lie. You took a deep breath and accepted the call, holding your hand over the microphone in an attempt to shield the hospital sounds surrounding you.

“Hey Sam, been a while,” you told him, trying to sound casual. Thankfully you had only just started treatment 10 minutes prior so the vomiting hadn’t started yet, and your voice would definitely have betrayed you in that instance.

“Hey yourself Y/N, been good?” he replied; you could hear the smile in his voice which in turn had you grinning. You really had missed him.

“Can’t complain,” you lied. “How are you and bonehead going?”

“Hey, I resent that,” Dean’s voice protested in the background and you and Sam shared a laugh.

“He’s good, we both are.”

“So, what are you boys up to at the moment? Gimme all the goss,” you begged, reclining in your chair.

“Actually we’ve just finished a case and will be driving through Austin pretty soon to the next one, thought maybe we could stop by and say hi.”

You nearly dropped the phone as you bolted upright. Holding onto it tightly you quickly debated on the best way to handle this. No way were he and Dean going to find out about this, especially not in the middle of treatment.

“Y/N? You there?” he asked, concern filling his voice.

“Shit yer, sorry, I sat back and nearly dropped my phone. Um, now’s not really a good time,” you told him, scrambling to come up with a good excuse.

“Is everything ok? Are you in trouble?” he asked, jumping straight into protective mode. You forced out a laugh.

“It’s all good, I’m just not at home. Hitting a salt and burn a few states over unfortunately.”

“I thought you were having a break from hunting?” Dean asked you skeptically. Curse his big brother senses.

“Yer but this came up and, I dunno, I felt like scratching that itch or something,” you scrambled, picking at a loose thread on your jumper sleeve nervously. “Anyway I think I’ll be here another couple of days so we might have to try for next time. Sorry.”

“No no, it’s fine. Sorry to miss you, was looking forward to it,” Sam replied, sounding pretty beat up. God damn it Winchester!

A nurse started to approach and you realised you had to get off the call before they overheard her talking about your IV line.

“Anyway guys I better get going, it was really great talking to you. I’ll call you tomorrow perhaps?” you rushed.

“Oh, uh, yer sure. That’d be great. Talk soo-”

You had to cut him off, the nurse got too close and was about to open her mouth and blow your cover. You berated yourself for it, he probably thought you didn’t want to see them anymore, and you face palmed yourself and groaned in annoyance.

“Oh hun, is the nausea starting already?” the nurse asked you kindly.

“Yer, only it’s not the chemo this time.”

-----------------------------------------

“Did she just hang up on you?” Dean asked incredulously. Sam was looking at his phone, the call disconnected before he’d even managed to get his sentence out.

“Uh, yer, it would appear so.”

“What the hell did you do to her man?”

Sam held his hands up defensively. “I didn’t do anything! At least I don’t think I did. Things were good last time, we email and message while we’re on the road. I don’t understand what’s going on.”

An awkward silence filled the cabin while the boys each contemplated the exchange.

“Did she sound a little flat to you?” Dean asked, starting to grow concerned.

“I dunno, a little I guess. Maybe this hunt’s taken a lot out of her, it’s been a while.”

“Do you… Nah.”

“What?”

“Well, do you think she was on a hunt? Really? Maybe she’s just avoiding us.”

Sam gave Dean a look, before leaning over and grabbing his laptop from the back seat. Dean kept his eyes on the road while Sam brought up the GPS tracker and put your number in.

“Dude, really? We’re stalking her now? She’s gonna kill you if she finds out you did this, you know that right?”

Sam didn’t answer as he watched the program track your phone, his heart dropping when it landed on the one place he never expected it would.

“Dean, how far away are we from Austin?” he asked as he stared at the screen, his voice sounding a little dangerous.

“Uhhh, a couple of hours. Give or take. Why, is she there?”

“Yer she’s, uh, she’s at Cornerstone Hospital.”

--------------------------------------

3 hours later and you were finally done with your chemotherapy treatment for the day. You’d had a bout of nausea a little while ago but generally were starting to come good again. Knowing what happened last time though, you had about 45 minutes to get home before you could barely stand through the pain.

Waiting for the nurse to see you, you drummed your hands on the armrest while you looked around the room. A few people had come and gone in the time you’d been there, some having just a half-hour treatment. You were the youngest there you noticed, and you always got the pity-stare from the older patients when they walked in and saw you. So you kept to yourself… making friends with people at this stage in your life seemed relatively moot.

You were too busy reading a new poster on the wall to hear the heavy footsteps coming down the hall. You may have recognised them if you have been paying attention, you’d heard them on enough hunts in the past. A deep voice broke through your thoughts and turned your blood cold; if you hadn't still been connected to all the wires you might have tried to make a run for it. Instead you took a deep breath and turned to face the brothers. Neither had noticed you yet, their backs to you as they spoke to the nurse at the desk opposite. They were in their FBI gear which surprised you.

“Hello, we're looking for Y/N Y/L/N?” Dean asked in his professional voice.

Sam started looking around the room and before the nurse could point them in your direction, his eyes landed on yours. His jaw dropped as he took your frail form in, and before Dean could even turn around he was headed to you.

“Y/N, what the hell?” he cried, trying not to be too loud but he was obviously upset. Dean too came toward you, you don’t think you’d ever seen him look so worried before.

“Is everything ok here?” the nurse asked as she approached your chair, eyeing the men cautiously.

“Yer it’s all fine Tess, thanks for checking. Could we have a sec before you unhook me?” you asked her quietly. “I need to talk with my friends.”

She nodded with a warm smile and patted your knee gently before walking off to help another patient. You watched her leave, and sighed as you turned back to face the guys. Both were staring at you with mouths agape, and you rolled your eyes and gave a little huff of amusement.

“You guys wanna close your mouths? There’s a few flies buzzing around in here.”

“Don't joke Y/N, this isn't funny,” Dean scolded.

You hung your head. “You're right, I’m sorry. I don’t really know how to talk about this stuff.”

“How long has is been going on?” Sam asked, nearly in a whisper. The guy looked heartbroken, and you felt like dirt.

You rubbed your neck awkwardly, you knew they weren’t going to like the answer you had for them. “Umm, this is my second cycle of chemo.”

Sam tried to stay composed but your admission took him by surprise. “Wha- SECOND? You didn’t think to call me after the first? Why the hell haven't you said anything?” he whispered angrily, trying not to draw attention from the other patients. It was a futile effort though, there wasn’t much entertainment in the treatment room so all eyes were locked on the display.

“Sam please, not here,” you begged, tears starting to form in your eyes as you looked around.

“She's right Sammy,” Dean replied calmly, noticing the attention as well. “Let’s just get her home and we'll figure it all out then.” You let out a breath, thankful to Dean for taking control.

“Thank you. I have my car so I’ll just m-”

“Wait, you drove here?” Dean scolded loudly. Well, so much for having calm big brother on your side.

“Is there a problem with that?” you asked defensively.

“You barely look like you can walk Y/N, let alone drive. What are you thinking?” Dean chided, and your ears grew hot with anger.

“Excuse me?” you asked, your voice low and dangerous. He’d only heard you speak to one other person like that before and it was Crowley when he dared to called you “sweetcheeks”.

He sighed, realising he was out of line, and tried to back-pedal. “I just mean…”

“No, I know what you meant Dean. You know, just because I’m going through this doesn’t make me a damn invalid. And sure I’ve lost a little weight and my hair’s a bit thinner but hey, that’s what’s gonna happen when my body is being pumped with poisoned to kill the asshole tumour growing in my noggin. But none of that really matters because I’ll probably be dead in a few months time anyway.”

As the conversation had become more and more heated the nurse was quietly and graciously removing your IV, she could clearly see this conversation was uncomfortable for you and wanted you to have the option to remove yourself from it if need be. It was all you needed to get up off your chair and start walking out the door, leaving the brothers behind you.

“Go after her and I’ll call security,” you heard Tess warn, and if you hadn’t been pissed as fuck you would have smiled. You’d developed a good repore with her in the time you’d been in the hospital, and considered her your closest friend at this point in your life. No-one else knew about what you were going through, you had quit your job ages ago and were supporting yourself with your safely stored away inheritance. You were thankful to not hear heavy footsteps following after you, and headed quickly to your car to head home. You didn’t know if you’d have enough of a head start to beat them.

----------------------------------------------

You were panting by the time you reached your front door. The headache had started on the way home and the stress of what had just transpired with the brothers was becoming too much in your state. You grabbed your keys out of your bag but your eyes became blurry, and you leaned your forehead against the door frame as you rubbed the bridge of your nose. Staying where you were you looked down as you found the key you needed, and gently leaned over to put it into the door. The roar of the Impala came around the corner and you groaned… why couldn’t they just give you a little time to process? Bloody men!

To your annoyance the key wasn’t fitting in the lock and you threw your hands up in the air in frustration, your head still resting on the door frame. You heard them pull up to your sidewalk and quickly tried to find the key you needed, only to drop them on the ground.

“What the fuckity fuck!” you cried out loud, stomping your foot in frustration like a 5 year old. You gave up and slumped on the sun chair by your front door, holding your head in your hands with your elbows on your knees. The car doors slammed and you could hear them walking up the path to your front porch.

“Y/N?” Sam called out when he saw you, and when you made no move to greet them he and Dean quickly raced to your side. “Hey, Y/N, you OK?” he asked, brushing the hair behind your ear.

“Stupid fucking key wouldn’t go in the stupid fucking lock,” you told him bitterly, and you heard Dean pick them up.

“I see the brain tumour hasn’t dampened your potty mouth,” Dean told you wryly, and you lifted your head gently to look at him.

“Did you just joke about my cancer?” you asked him with a smirk. He cleared his throat, obviously uncomfortable with the mention of the C word, but he pushed through it and gave a tight smile.

“Do you need Sam’s help to get inside?”

“Um, I don’t think so. I think I’ll be ok, thanks,” you responded, giving Sam a smile as you stood. You screamed at yourself internally when your left knee buckled, and quick as a flash Sam’s arms were around you.

“Y/N?” he asked, sounding more scared than you liked to hear from him. You closed your eyes and nodded, swallowing thickly.

“I’m ok, just tired. Maybe I could use the help after all,” you admitted, not daring to meet his gaze. You were grateful when he didn’t swoop you into his arms, instead wrapping your arm over his shoulder and supporting you as you walked into your living room together. Dean grabbed your bag and put it on the floor by the door as he closed it, following you both.

Once Sam had you seated on the couch he took the spot next to you, Dean opting to lean against the wall instead.

“Do you need anything?” Sam asked, watching you carefully.

You shook your head. “I’m ok. You guys help yourself though, there’s some beer in the fridge I think.” When Dean’s jaw clenched you gave a small smile. “I keep it there for you guys, I’m not drinking I swear.”

He relaxed and nodded, crossing his arms over his chest letting the room fall into an uncomfortable silence. You found yourself picking at your sweater sleeve as you considered your next move.

“Thank you,” you told them quietly. “For not making me feel completely useless right now. I’m sorry I blew up at the hospital, that wasn’t fair.”

“No, you’re under a lot of stress, we get it,” Sam told you kindly, and you shook your head.

“You didn’t deserve that. What you did deserve to know was that I’m sick, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I just didn’t know how, I tried so many times but it just wouldn’t come out.”

“It’s a, uh, brain tumour?” Dean asked, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Yer, found out about a couple of months ago I think. I dunno, the days are starting to run together a little bit.”

“What do the doctors say?” Sam asked, and you could hear the reluctance as he did. He didn’t want to know this anymore than you didn’t want to tell him. You sighed, and looked up to meet their gaze.

“It’s aggressive, growing fast and they can’t operate right now. They’re trying to slow it down and hopefully shrink it with chemo before looking at surgery as an option, but because of where it’s located and the speed that it’s growing they think there’s only a 5% chance they’ll be able to remove it before it… before it, ah…” you stumbled, clearing your throat as your eyes started to fill with tears. Shaking your head slightly, you swallowed down the massive lump in your throat before continuing. “I probably won’t make it, is basically what I’m trying to say.”

Silence filled the room, and you let it this time. You were beyond exhausted, the treatment and this conversation were draining the very last of your energy. Despite your best efforts your eyelids began to droop, you barely noticed when you started to slide toward the cushions. Gentle murmurs barely broke through your haze, and you couldn’t find the energy even to acknowledge the one of them who lifted you up bridal style and carried you up the stairs to your bedroom. The fluffy pillows and quilt enveloped you, and without ever opening your eyes you drifted off to sleep.

-----------------

Sam stood at your bedside, watching you sleep. He'd never seen you looking so vulnerable, and it was scaring the crap out of him. This wasn't a monster he could fight for you, not a battle he could try and win on your behalf. This was the one thing no hunter ever expected to die from, knowing it would simply be too cruel an irony to befall them. And yet here you were: half the size you used to be, pale as a ghost and so frail you could barely stand. He stayed watching you for a while, making an easy decision in the process. Regardless of what Dean thought, he wouldn't be leaving this house without you again.

“Hey, did she stay asleep?” Dean asked as Sam came down the stairs and through to the kitchen. He had cracked a couple of beers and was currently whipping up some pancakes, their first home cooked meal since the last time they were in your house 3 months ago.

“Yer. Um, Dean, we need to talk-”

“So I was thinking that Y/N might be better off in the downstairs bedroom,” Dean started, cutting Sam off. “If she wants to that is. Just makes sense with the chemo kicking her in the ass so bad. You could take the study next to her so one of us is nearby, and I could take her room. Or vice versa, I don’t mind. Oh, and I had a quick look and there's a job going at a garage a few blocks from here, figured I could go out after we ate something and see if they'll take me on. Thought you’d rather be home for Y/N to take her to appointments and such, so no need to find you a job. We can figure out the rest when she wakes up. Now, do you want strawberries or blueberries with your pancakes?”

As Dean turned around holding two plates of stacks he found Sam staring at him like he was possessed. Dean rolled his eyes and took the plates to the dining table, heading back to the fridge for the toppings leaving Sam to catch up.

“So… you want to stay?” Sam asked incredulously.

“Why is that so hard to believe?” Dean asked defensively as he sat down, quickly shoving a large bite of pancake into his mouth.

“I dunno,” Sam shrugged. “I guess I just wasn’t expecting you to go all apple pie life on me.”

“This is for Y/N. She's saved our lives more times than I can count, now it's our turn to save hers. She's family,” he said with finality, gently pushing Sam’s plate toward him and gesturing for him to sit down. Sam smiled broadly and did as requested, mentally planning out the new life they were making for themselves.

CONT.

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SERIES MASTERLIST - CHAPTER TWO 

Tag Lists (Open)

Series Taglist: @deghostyboi , @dreaminemz

“Dean/Jensen” taglist:  @mrsambroserollinsacklesmgk, @perpetualabsurdity, @mlovesstories

“Everything” taglist: @angelsandwinchesters, @grace-for-sale, @growningupgeek, @iamnotsaneatall, @nanie5, @waywardasfudge, @im-dead-inside05, @julzdec, @adoptdontshoppets, @meghanbeinghappy, @sleepylunarwolf , @sammysgirl1997, @imaginationisgrowth, @screechingartisancashbailiff

People who requested tags, that I cannot tag (but will still mention because I feel bad :( ): @ronja-uebrick, @lilydarcy

[javelon]

Don't Fear The Reaper

"What the hell??" Chase exclaimed, jaw agape.

He rubbed at his eyes and looked back up. No he was not hallucinating...well maybe he was. How often was it one saw people walk through someone else? Even with his odd family that was something he'd never witnessed before. Wait...could they be a ghost? Someone trapped on earth, cursed to wander it for eternity? 

"Or I'm just crazy." Chase muttered to himself.

He had to know. They were just across the street from his building, he could reach them if he hurried. 

"Please don't be crazy. Please don't be crazy." Chase whispered under his breath.

He knew he probably at least looked crazy, dashing across the street and after someone who may not even be there. But they certainly looked real enough, leaning against a nearby building as if they were waiting for someone. Chase froze when he was just a foot away, suddenly feeling really foolish. What do you even say to a potentially not there person? 'Um hello my name is Chase and excuse me for being rude but are you real?'

Oh shit he said that outloud, Chase realized in horror as you looked up at him. Wait maybe he didn't cause you just looked away, observing the people walking by. 

'Ok this time for real.' Chase cleared his throat, "E-excuse me?"

Annnnd nothing. You just kept people watching. 

'Oh God I am crazy aren't I?' Chase straightened, determined to try one more time before going home and having Henrik just check him into a mental hospital, "Excuse me! Are you real?"

Ah ha you looked at him again! But now you looked confused, looking around yourself before looking back at him, "Pardon?"

Chase nearly whooped in relief, he might not be crazy after all! "Uh right sorry that was rude. Uh...shit...hi my name is Chase and uh...are you...real?" Chase stammered towards the end as your eyes grew wider.

"Are you talking to me?" You asked, seeming shocked.

Chase nodded hesitantly, "Er...yes?"

"You can see me??" 

Chase didn't know how to react to that nor to you suddenly jumping out in front of a man walking past and said man passing through you like you weren't there. The man didn't even flinch though he did give Chase an odd look when Chase gasped. He found himself reaching forward, "Are you a ghost?" He whispered only to jump back when his fingers touched fabric and skin and you yelping in surprise. 

"I'm sorry!" Chase exclaimed, backing up some more to put space between him and this ghost person.

"Wait no!" Chase stopped when you reached out to him, "I'm sorry you just startled me. I'm not used to people seeing me when I don't want them to." You gave him a sheepish grin.

"Oh uh it's alright." Chase smiled at you though he could feel his heart pounding, he couldn't believe he was talking to an actual ghost, "I'm not used to seeing ghosts either so this is a new experience for both of us."

"Ghost? Oh no I'm not a ghost." 

Chase raised an eyebrow when you hesitated. If you weren't a ghost then what were you?

"I'm...uh...a reaper actually."

Oh.

OH.

Chase swallowed, his heart racing even more. He should have just ignored this strange person and gone inside to film. "You're death?"

You chuckled, "Oh no I just work for him."

"But you still kill people?"

Chase couldn't help flinching at your loud "No!"

"Sorry." You apologized, "Been awhile since I've been a normal person. Bit rusty on the communication skills." You took a deep breath, "Reapers don't kill people. What we do is go to someone who is dying or has already died and then escort their soul to the afterlife."

"Ohhh." Chase frowned and looked down at his body, "Err I'm not dead am I?"

You grinned, "No need to fear, you are 100% alive and well."

"Oh good." Chase let out a sigh of relief, "So uh...why can I see you then?"

You shrugged, "No idea. Never heard of this happening before. Though I've only been a reaper for a few years and I don't talk much with the other reapers assigned to this area." 

"Huh." Chase looked around at all the people walking up and down the sidewalk, "I probably look a bit nutty, looking like I'm talking to air. Maybe I should act like I'm on the phone." Chase let out an awkward chuckle.

"Nah you're good. I made myself visible to everyone when I realized you could touch me." Chase must have looked unsure as you then said, "Here I'll show you. Excuse me miss!" You called to a woman passing by.

To Chase's surprise the lady paused and looked over at you.

"Do you have the time?" You asked. The lady pulled out her phone and called back "Just after 10." You smiled and waved, "Ok thank you!" You turned back to Chase with a grin, "See? Nothing to worry about."

"I guess not." Chase smiled back then paused when he remembered something you said earlier, "Wait you said it's been awhile since you've been a normal person. Does that mean..?"

"I was human before yes. Died a few years ago in a car accident and Death offered to let me be a reaper for awhile before moving on." You explained rather nonchalantly as if talking about the weather instead of your death.

"Oh." Chase shifted awkwardly, "I'm sorry."

You waved him off, "S'all right, Chase. It was years ago and I actually died instantly so no traumatic memories or anything like that." You paused before exclaiming, "Oh! And my name is Y/N by the way. Sorry just realized I forgot to introduce myself." You gave him another sheepish grin while holding out your hand. 

Chase had laughed and shook your hand before talking with you about being a reaper. He found out you became a reaper cause Death loved your homemade cookies. "What? No way." "I'm serious! Death really loves good food and I got to be a reaper in exchange for making him cookies! Stop looking at me like that I'm serious!" He also found out you were waiting on the soul of an old man that was on the building you had been waiting outside of. Apparently he was on hospice and would be passing that day so Chase kept you company while you waited.

"Is it hard watching people die?" Chase asked you a few days later when he had encountered you again. This time you were waiting on a cancer patient in Henrik's hospital and he saw you while bringing the good doctor some lunch.

"It was at first." You had replied after a moment, "But then I realized how much I was helping people."

You gestured to the hospital around you, "Most of the people I escort are either old or very sick. They've usually been suffering for a long time. But when I see their souls they're finally free of that suffering. And they're usually happy to see someone is waiting to take them to their afterlife."

Chase hummed in response, thinking over your answer.

It was an odd friendship he built with you over the following months. He never knew when he was going to run into you and it wasn't like you had a phone or computer he could contact you on. And yet everytime he saw you it was like you had been friends for years. He told you things he'd never even told his brothers. His fears of not being a good dad, his fights with Stacy (he didn't wish to trouble his brothers with that), his growing disappointment with his channel just to name a few. And you always provided an ear and a shoulder if he needed it. Though there was still one thing he never told you, not even after Stacy filed for divorce. But he knew you of all people would probably understand...

~~~~~~~~~~

You were enjoying the spring afternoon air one day as you walked through town. It had been a pretty quiet day for you so far, only having to escort an elderly lady in her 90's to the afterlife that morning. The singing birds nearby made you smile while the smell of fresh cut grass reminded you of days long passed. All in all it was a beautiful day and you wanted to enjoy it as much as possible. 

Which is why you gave a slight sigh when you felt the pull of a soon to be dying soul on you. Damn, you were hoping the elderly lady would be the only one today. Maybe you could have sought out Chase. It had been awhile since you'd seen your friend and you'd love to chat with him again. Oh well maybe you could go find him after this escort.

Closing your eyes you felt yourself teleport to the soul's location, flinching when you heard a gun go off. Yikes gunshot deaths were one of your least favorite ones to death with. There was always a lot of grief involved in those, regardless of how the person got shot.

Bracing yourself you opened your eyes and looked around for the person you'd be escorting. It only took a moment for you to find their body on the floor.

And it only took a moment longer for you to scream, "NO!!"

Laying in a growing pool of red was your friend Chase, his gun still held loosely in his hand. 

You put your hands over your mouth, trying to stop your horrified screams but you weren't prepared for this! You didn't want to escort him! Not yet! Not for decades to come! You panicked and used your powers to just shove at Chase's soul when you felt it start to detach from his body, forcing it to stay. Then you felt around the building, surely there was someone nearby who could help! You weren't supposed to interfere but Chase was...no is your friend! You weren't going to let him die!

There! In an office the next floor down you could feel one of Chase's brothers. In an instant you teleported yourself to them, finding his brother Anti fiddling with some equipment. You weren't sure what to do at first, while you knew who Chase's brothers were, you had never been introduced to them and didn't know if they knew who or what you were. So instead of showing yourself you pulled on one of your abilities as a reaper, imitating sounds. Usually you used it to provide a comforting and familiar voice or sound for a distraught soul but now you used it to imitate the gun going off in the distance. Anti immediately froze before glitching away. 

You teleported after him just in time to hear him scream "͞C͢͏̵H̛̕AS̴͡E̶͘͘!̕!̀". Your heart broke as you watched him fall to his knees next to Chase's prone body, the pool of red soaking into his jeans. You popped away and back with towels from the nearby janitorial closet, quietly placing them in the corner where Anti could easily see them. When he did he quickly grabbed them and pressed one against Chase's head, sobbing and pleading, "̡No͏́͟n͘o̢̡ń͠o̡͏n̡o!̀͜! F͘͏ų͘͞c͢͟k̨͢ ̀No ̸C̸҉h̛as̢e̵͜ ̧Pl͡e̷̢͞a̸͟s̷͜ȩ̷͞!͏̴̕!͏ G͢O͠D͏͠ ̀C͟͏H҉Ą͢S̨͜E̶͝ ̵̕͠ŃO̴͝!̢͜!!͏"̀͟

Your broken heart only shattered more when Jackie and Henrik arrived, both equally as distraught as Anti. You had to silently steady Henrik's hands, his despair causing them to shake too much to work on Chase without help. Even the superhero you had to steady and guide, his shaking knees threatening to buckle when he lifted Chase to take him to the hospital, his unending tears making it hard to see where he was going.

What followed was several long, harrowing days of you standing vigil over Chase, silently and secretly guiding his brothers' hands to help save him. When you felt his vitals start to dip when Henrik had passed out from exhaustion you would wake him up with a subconscious need to check the areas that were failing. When Marvin's magic started to wane from all the healing spells he was trying, you lent him some of your own energy, guiding his magic to the parts of Chase's brain that you could feel were still damaged. The only times you left was when you felt another soul needed escorted. You were still a reaper after all. You had a job to do. But you always came right back.

You fell to your knees and wept with relief when you heard Henrik tell the others that Chase was going to live. You had felt it yourself but to hear someone else say it provided a balm to your heart that you had desperately needed. You don't know how long you cried, finally letting out all the grief and guilt that had built up in you. You felt like you had failed Chase in some way. Failed as his friend to not notice this. Surely as a reaper you should have seen the signs?!

"Hey. You in the corner."

Your head snapped up at hearing Anti's voice, shocked to see the others had left and Anti was looking straight at you. 

"You can see me?" You asked after a moment.

Anti nodded, "Right now I can. You've been here for awhile though. I caught glimpses of you when I'd glitch in or out of the room."

"Oh." Huh you guess that sort of made sense. Death had explained that reapers could exist on a different plane which is how they could move about invisibly. Anti must move through that same plane when he glitched around. And focusing now you could feel that you must have slipped back into their plane while you were crying, which explained why Anti could see you now.

"You were there in...that room too..right? You brought the magically appearing towels."

At your surprised look Anti chuckled, "Doc doesn't believe it but I'm pretty observant. Just easier to pretend I'm not. Get away with more ya know?"

You gave a weak smile in return, "Yea that was me." You looked over at Chase, your heart breaking again at seeing him lay there, far too still and wires and bandages everywhere. "I couldn't let him die." You whispered. 

"You his guardian angel or something like that?"

This time you chuckled, "Something like that."

"Huh. Cool." 

For several moments you sat in silence, both of you just watching Chase's chest slowly rise and fall with each breath. It brought you comfort being able to see his body still working.

"Thank you." Anti's voice broke the silence. You looked up at him but he was still looking at Chase, "Chase...he means everything to us. So uh...thanks. For protecting him." 

You smiled at him, confident Anti could see you out of the corner of his eye, "Of course. He means a lot to me too. Though maybe..." You paused then sighed, "Maybe I need to be better about making sure he knows how much he means to...everyone. how much he's loved."

Silence fell again before Anti finally said, "Yea I...we could be better too..."

Later that night you sat next to Chase's bed, fingers carding through his hair. "You need to wake up soon Chase. Your hair could use a wash." You whispered, a small smile on your lips.

"He shouldn't need washed at all and yet here we are."

You yelped and spun around. Standing in the doorway behind you was your boss, looking both faintly amused and slightly bored like he always did. "Err hi Death."

He raised a brow at you, "Y/N"

He looked over at Chase and walked towards the bed, his shoes echoing on the tile. You couldn't help angling your body slightly to hide Chase from view a bit, though you knew you couldn't stop Death if he wanted Chase.

Several tense moments of silence passed before Death hummed. "In all my many long years I have never seen a reaper fight so desperately against their job."

You swallowed, "His soul never left his body..."

Death glanced at you, "Not for lack of trying though."

As Death looked over Chase's vulnerable form, you found yourself silently praying that all your hard work wasn't for nothing. You held your breath when Death turned to face you fully, "It's a good thing I like your cookies." He started walking away. When he reached the door he paused and looked at you over his shoulder, "It is important to take care of your friends. But Y/N?"

"Yea?"

"Don't do this again."

"I won't sir."

Your shoulders slumped with relief when Death disappeared. You couldn't help but let out a silly giggle, overcome by joy that Death let Chase live. Chase's road to recovery was going to be long and hard but you were going to be there. After all it's important to take care of your friends.

___________________________________________

This story was inspired by the lovely @clanwarrior-tumbly's story Ghost Whisperer, which you should totally go check out if you haven't yet!

[meobsessions]

Back to the Future (Arthur Morgan x OC)

You all seemed to like the first chapter so much that I decided to post the next one! Keep in mind that I have even more written on my account on AO3, and I’ll put the link to it at the bottom once again. 

Requests are OPEN!

Go check out my first chapter if you haven’t yet!

Pairing: Arthur Morgan x Original Female Character

Warnings: More foul language

Chapter 2: Welcoming Party

We ride for a good twenty minutes, slowing down only a few times for the horse to catch its breath before picking up speed once again. I don't loosen my hold the entire time, afraid that if I do then I'll fall or be kicked off. I get the feeling that Arthur doesn't exactly appreciate my hold on him but he's trying not to upset me more after what just happened.

We turn off the main path, riding down between some trees that look like they're trying to touch the sky. The large amount of growth brings a nice smell with it, clearing my senses and making all of this slightly more bearable. Arthur sits up slightly in the saddle, slowing the horse with a tug of the reigns and gentle shushing. As we come to a walk I let go of him, unwinding my arms and sitting up straight behind him. I rest my hands on the back of the saddle just in case though.

"Thought you said you rode a horse before." Arthur says, briefly looking to the side to indicate he was talking to me. This is the first he's said anything since I've gotten on the animal.

I clear my throat, looking down at the ground that passes beneath us to try to hide my embarrassment. "I have. But it's been a while and we never really... well, let's just say I was in a beginner class."

"Class?" He doesn't hide the surprise in his voice. "You took a class to learn how to ride? What are you, some rich lady who ran away from mommy and daddy to prove yourself or somethin'?"

I look up, frowning at his back. I don't particularly like the tone he's giving me, or the fact that he's basically calling me spoiled. "I can assure you, Mr. Morgan, that whatever idea of me you currently have hidden away under that hat of yours is most certainly wrong." I don't hide the anger from my voice. I frown deeper when the only reaction I get from him is a small chuckle, so quiet that I barely hear it.

"Who's there?" A raspy voice calls, and I look down the path a little to the right to see John Marston standing in the shadows of the trees, holding a rifle in his hands. Disbelief once more washes over me as another character from the game appears.

"It's me, ya dumb-ass." Arthur mutters the last part to himself under his breath. John nods and lowers the gun, but stares at me as we ride past him. He's got shoulder length hair, a light black color. There's some stubble growing on his face that doesn't cover the scars on his cheek. I keep eye contact only for a few seconds before looking down at my hands. If John is here, then that must mean the whole gang is here too.

I feel my heart beat a little faster. I'm both terrified and excited. Terrified because I'm meeting these characters in real life, and that shouldn't even be possible. I'm also excited though because I love some of these characters. I can only hope that they don't think I'm here to kill them or who knows what.

Oh, Jesus. What if they think I'm here to do something like that? I'm a random woman who was found with the O'Driscolls, a well-known enemy of this group of misfits, and I have absolutely no explanation as to why they had me or how I got here. The little excitement I was feeling dies down and now I'm mainly just terrified.

The path clears and Arthur brings us over to a small hitching post. There are other horses grazing around, about ten or twelve of them. I see some tents set up with a few people milling about. There are carriages off to the side, holding the supplies I'm guessing. I look to the side where there's a table and see two young girls talking to one another while looking over at us. Looking closer I see that it's Tilly and Mary-Beth. They look even prettier in person.

Arthur slides off the horse first, lifting his leg from the stirrup and jumping down to the ground. He steps back and nods to me, silently telling me to get down. I swallow, nodding as I also swing my leg over and slide down. I stumble slightly, heat flooding my cheeks. He stands there, watching me under the brim of his hat with his hands planted on his hips. I see him shake his head softly as he lets out a sigh before turning and walking into camp. I follow after him, crossing my arms over my chest and being careful where I step. I don't have any shoes or socks on right now, and who knows what diseases I would pick up if I got something stuck in my foot.

"Dutch!" Arthur calls, walking past Mary-Beth and Tilly, merely nodding his head in greeting as we walk past. I give them a strained smile, knowing it must come out as more of a grimace. They stare at me, lifting their hands in greeting as I turn my back to them.

He leads me around a tent, and we walk over to what appears to be a lake. There are five men standing along the shore, and I can easily pick out who's who. I saw Charles before, and he stands to the side as what appears to be Micah and Hosea arguing. Bill stands behind Micah, frowning and looking like he would rather be anywhere but here. Dutch stands by Charles, arms crossed as he patiently waits for Hosea and Micah to finish saying whatever it is they're talking about.

"Over here, Arthur." Dutch calls, turning his head away from the bickering to look at the two of us walking over. Dutch unfolds his arms and walks forward, his eyes narrowing slightly as he looks me up and down. Standing there in nothing but a pair of sweatpants, white shirt and nothing on my feet I feel very exposed.

"This must be Miss Lily Edwards. Pleasure to meet you, my name is Dutch Van Der Linde." He pauses, tilting his chin up slightly. "You already know that though, don't you?"

I feel my mouth go dry. I go to say something but no words come out.

"Is this her?" Micah's voice enters the conversation, immediately grating my nerves. I haven't liked him since the very beginning. "What the hell are you doin', Dutch? She could be an O'Driscoll in disguise!"

I find my voice come back to me. I refuse to be insulted by some inbred hillbilly like him. "I'm no O'Driscoll, you reprobate. Why the hell would they kidnap me if I was?"

"One of the men who was traveling with her told me they were bringing her to Colm, Dutch." Charles adds quietly from the side. He stands strong and silent, effectively ignoring whatever bullshit Micah must have been spewing before I got here.

I nervously hide my hands in the ends of my sleeves, a bad habit I picked up when I was younger. It may comfort me, but it stretches the cloth. "Did they say why?" I ask him quietly. Charles briefly looks over at me and shakes his head.

"I don't like it, Dutch. It don't feel right." Bill adds his two cents, nodding in agreement with Micah.

"Now, I don't know all the facts here," Arthur butts in, holding a hand out to stop Bill from saying anything else, "but I saw the way they treated her." He briefly looks at me, or more specifically, where Scar face slapped me. "Even if she was a faker, they wouldn't have done that to her."

I can't help but feel surprised that Arthur is defending me. I knew he was a good man--that much was evident from the interactions he had with people when I played the game--but to be on the receiving end of it was something else entirely.

"Little lady," Dutch steps forward, towering over me. I'm not short by any means, but these men make me feel like I'm two feet tall when I stand around them. "Where are you from?"

I clear my throat, looking at all of them. Micah and Bill are the only ones giving me dirty looks. The others are patiently waiting for my answer, and that reassures me a little bit. But do I tell them the truth? Do I tell them that I'm from a place where they're nothing more than video game characters? No. That would surely get me shot.

"I'm from Pennsylvania."

"Pennsylvania?" Dutch raises a brow. "What made you want to come all the way down here?"

I wasn't even sure where here was. I think it's set somewhere around Kentucky but I can’t be positive..

"I don't know how I got here." I say slowly, looking him in the eye to let him know I'm telling the truth. "I was in my bed, going to sleep, and then I woke up on the back of that man's horse." There. That wasn't a lie--just not the whole truth.

"That's an awful long time to be asleep for." Bill mutters.

"Were you drugged? Do you need to see a doctor or something?" Hosea steps forward, his concern washing over me. I can see why Arthur thinks of him as his father-figure.

"Oh, no," Arthur chuckles dryly to himself, "she'll be more than happy to tell you that she's a doctor and don't need no damn help."

"You're a doctor?" Dutch asks, and with a sigh to myself I realize why they seem surprised with this information.

It's 1899. Women aren't expected to do much at this time except for stay home, keep the house clean and watch the kids. They must think that I'm lying about being a doctor or something, as women were also discouraged from going to school. They weren't supposed to be independent, they were supposed to have men to tell them when to breathe and eat. It disgusts me.

"Yes, I am."

"That's the stupidest thing I ever heard." Micah sneers, spitting out some tobacco to the side.

"And that's the stupidest thing I've ever seen." I bite back. "Have fun with mouth cancer."

Micah frowns deeply, his lip curling to reveal teeth destroyed by years of nothing but alcohol and tobacco. "You're nothin' but a little bitch."

"Okay," Dutch steps between the two of us, holding his hands up. I say nothing, biting my tongue in anger. I'm not one to back down from a fight, but I don't think threatening to kill Micah would help my case right now. "Let's take a deep breath. Why don't you come walk with me?" Dutch asks, offering out his arm for me to take like a gentleman would do.

I look down at it before looking back up. He's watching me carefully, and I can see that even though he's being nice to me he's also very skeptical of everything that's going on. I don't really blame him, so with only slight hesitation I loop my arm through his and let him lead me away from the others. I look briefly over my shoulder to see Charles and Hosea talking to one another while Micah and Bill stomp back to camp. Arthur stands by himself, hands gripping his belt and hip cocked as he watches us walk away. He's wearing a neutral expression, so it's difficult for me to get a read on what he's thinking right now.

"Do you have any family, Miss Edwards?"

Dutch's voice makes me turn around again, seeing that he's leading us down to the dock. I give him the same answer I gave Arthur and Charles. "None that are alive, sir."

"Please, call me Dutch."

"Only if you stop calling me Miss Edwards."

Dutch laughs softly. "Okay. It's a deal." We walk to the end of the dock and he releases my arm, slowly lowering himself until he's sitting down on the planks of wood. I follow his lead, letting my bare feet rest in the chilly water of the lake.

"Now," Dutch starts, looking out over the lake to the sun that's beginning to set. It's actually quite pretty. "We have a small problem here, Lily." Dutch reaches up and takes his hat off, letting it rest on his lap.

"That's an understatement." I say quietly.

"You know who we are. Charles tells me he and Arthur gave you fake names, but somehow you knew their real ones. Can you tell me how you know their real ones?"

I was dreading this question, mainly because I don't know how to answer it. But I knew someone was going to ask it eventually.

"I... Well," I begin, trying to come up with something as fast as possible so it doesn't seem suspicious, but I can feel Dutch looking at me out of the corner of my eye. He's watching to see my reactions, see if I'm being truthful in my answer. And damn, I had better be a good actress.

"Back in my hometown, you guys are quite...popular." There, that's not a lie. The Van Der Linde gang are popular, but because they're a game. "And I've seen posters of you people around my town. It has your picture and your names on them. I guess as soon as I saw them I knew who they were, even though I wasn't really thinking about it." Hopefully that was a good enough answer for him.

Dutch hums, once more looking forward. I look at the rings on his hands that sit on top of his hat, wondering if he stole them, bought them, or won them somehow. They look very expensive, which is odd considering Dutch is always complaining about needing more money.

"So then I suppose you know who we are, and what we've done." He says this in a no-nonsense tone.

"Well, yes and no." He looks at me after this answer. "I know you're wanted people, but I don't know what you've done." Also true. The reason they were wanted in Blackwater was never really told. Just that they were on the run from the law.

"I suppose that helps your case some, then." Dutch reaches into his pocket and pulls out a watch, looking at it briefly before putting it away. "Do you know what philosophy is, Lily?"

I have to hold in a snort. I took philosophy courses in college, but I can't tell him that. "Yeah, I know some of it."

Dutch smiles slightly. "Ever heard of utilitarianism?"

Again, I have to stop myself from blurting things out that I shouldn't. I wrote a paper on Jeremy Bentham's concept of utilitarianism. He died in the 1830's, so the idea would still be fairly new at this time. "I have."

"Smart girl," Dutch praises, nodding his head at me. "Then you know that utilitarianism is just about people who sometimes do bad things in order to achieve great things?"

That's not exactly what utilitarianism is, but he's also not wrong. Utilitarianism is more about making the harder choices so that the amount of good gained from the consequences outweighs the bad. But, again, Dutch isn't exactly wrong.

"Sure."

Dutch spreads his hands out, gesturing all around us. "That's what we are, Lily. We're utilitarians. We sometimes do bad things, but that's only because we want to make things better. And sometimes, people don't really know how to accept that. But you," Dutch looks pointedly at me, the smile gone from his face, "you seem to understand it. You're an educated woman, and I'm going to go ahead and guess that even if you aren't actually a doctor, you at least have some medical expertise."

I chew on the inside of my cheek to stop from getting snarky. I am a doctor, but if he will at least accept that I know some things, then I'll take it. "You're not wrong."

"The smarter a person is, the easier it is for them to adapt to changes." Dutch stands, brushing off any imaginary dirt from his pants and vest before looking down at me. "It may take a while, but I think that eventually you'll gain our trust, and you'll fit in here fine. So tell me, Lily Edwards." Dutch offers me a hand, staring at me. "Would you like to take your chances out there alone and go home, or would you like to stay? It won't be easy, and you'll be expected to carry your weight around here. Having a doctor here though? That would be a nice addition."

I feel my breath catch in my throat. I sure as hell was not expecting that. Maybe for them to offer to help me to a train station or something to send me off to imaginary Pennsylvania, but sure as hell not join them. I don't have anywhere else to go, so as soon as Dutch asked I knew what my answer was going to be. But I can't help but still be afraid. This isn't a game anymore, this is serious business. I'm going to be expected to shoot a gun, ride a horse, maybe even kill people. That's what I don't want to do. I'm a doctor, I save lives--not take them. But what else am I supposed to do?

I put my hand in his, allowing him to pull me to my feet before shaking his hand and staring right back at him. "You have a deal, Dutch Van Der Linde."

Dutch smiles at me, letting out a laugh as he holds my hand tightly in his own. He claps me on the back and brings me close to his side, turning to face the camp again. Charles and Hosea are gone, but Arthur sits behind his tent, smoking a cigarette and watching us.

"Miss Grimshaw! Fetch some clothes for this young lady, would you? She's going to be with us for a while." Dutch steers me forward with the hand on my back. "Let me introduce you to our family."

https://archiveofourown.org/works/16959261/chapters/39854907#workskin

[yetanotheremptypage]

Happy Fanfiction Writers Appreciation Day!

Last year, I put together this list of fic recs in honor of the day. They are all amazing, so you should definitely check them out, but in the mean time, here’s some more. I tried to tag most of the ships and/or fandoms, so if you ship any of those or are in the fandom, check out the recs below the cut. Of course, there are plenty more amazing fanfictions/writers out there, and to them, I give a huge THANK YOU! Finally, if you have any interest in any of my stories, links can be found here.

All Aboard the Dreamland Express (Swarkles, How I Met Your Mother) FF [Complete]

Farhampton, 2017. The gang convenes on the fabled front porch at long last, to regroup and address a pressing concern. Written for ficathon suggested by Beneath the Umbrella.

If the finale of HIMYM greatly upsets you, try this instead and it should solve those problems.

Between Universes (Martha Jones/Mickey Smith and Mickey Smith & Rose Tyler, Doctor Who) AO3 [Complete]

Whilst jumping universes using the Dimension Cannon, Rose meets an old friend, and one she has yet to meet, and finds out she will unknowingly give them a wonderful gift. In return, she's given something that could keep them all together even when they couldn't be further apart.

You gotta love Rose Tyler and her Dimension Cannon. In this story, it helps Martha keep fighting during the Year That Never Was, and helps Martha and Mickey find each other. It’s so well written, too.

Falser Than Vows Made In Wine (Rosaline Capulet/Benvolio Montague, Still Star Crossed) AO3 [In-progress]

In which Romeo and Juliet try to be impulsive and romantic, Rosaline and Benvolio get drunk and stupid, and what happens in Vegas... does NOT stay in Vegas.

This. Fic. Is. FANTASTIC. All of the characters are perfectly written, and the story retains the same super slow burn quality of the show, and it’s perfection. Gotta love a good Vegas Wedding AU.

Family Pond ‘Verse (Amy Pond/Rory Williams and 11/River Song, Doctor Who) AO3

This is a beautiful AU series in which Amy and Rory have another child after River, and River and the Doctor also have a kid later down the line. It is beautiful and adorable and just perfection, and features appearances from several other Who characters like Martha and Mickey.

Flood My Mornings (Jamie Fraser/Claire Fraser, Outlander) AO3 || Tumblr (@bonnie-wee-swordsman​) [In-progress]

Two years after Culloden, Jamie accidentally falls through the stones, finding himself in 1950.

Bonnie is such an amazing writer and she keeps Jamie and Claire in character so freaking well and this AU is one of those where you see canon and you’re like, “But wait didn’t-- No, no that was fanfic.”

Gretel (Swarkles and Ted Mosby & Robin Scherbatsky, How I Met Your Mother) AO3 [Complete]

Robin and Ted are sitting in the bar. They actually talk. A bit.

Post-Swarkles engagement where Robin and Ted talk about their feelings and don’t shove them down.

I Got It Bad (But It Feels So Good) (Peter Parker/Michelle, Spider-Man: Homecoming) AO3 [In-Progress]

The first time she kissed him, it's a joke. Michelle knows that it's Peter under the mask. He was supposed to reveal his identity to her.

Instead, he kissed her back.

So Spideychelle consumed my life reaaal quick after seeing Homecoming and this fic is just completely amazing and I love it.

If It’s Not Too Late For Coffee (Jack Harkness & Martha Jones, Doctor Who) AO3 [Complete]

Five times Martha Jones and Jack Harkness had conversations over coffee and one time they didn't.

Martha and Jack’s friendship is just the best, and this explores that over the years. Also features Martha/Mickey.

If Only, If Only (Sanrion, Game of Thrones) FF [In-progress]

How Tyrion and Sansa's wedding night might have gone, and how their stories might have altered because of it. Show-verse.

This is the same beautiful writer who is writing Winter’s Thaw, which I talked about on my last list. This story is just as beautiful, and every time I get the email with an update, I stop what I’m doing and read it. It is so so so good and I love it.

I’ll Find You (Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, The 100) AO3 [Complete]

In every life she's granted, Clarke loves Bellamy Blake's eyes.

Every time Clarke Griffin is reincarnated, she finds Bellamy Blake. They don't always fall in love, they don't always end up together, but they find each other all the same.

I think this is such a great reincarnation fic-- they never remember each other, but no matter how shitty a situation they’re in (War, child cancer patients, and more) they always cross paths. It’s a cool exploration of the way lives can cross, and it even follows history, with an early portion existing in the days of the Roman Empire while later portions chronicle post and pre Ark life. Basically, it’s so good!

Just A Pack of Sweets (Martha Jones/Mickey Smith, Doctor Who) AO3 [Complete]

You know you wondered, and if you do the maths, it's only six weeks from the day Mickey and Martha meet to the day when Martha is said to be on her honeymoon.

Six months after that we learn that Mickey and Martha are married.

Fast work... unless it's timey wimey

I love Martha and Mickey, so this fic exploring their relationship is amazing and wonderful and awesome and I love it. Also features Rose/Tentoo

Life Is What Happens (Sybil x Tom, Downton Abbey) FF [In-progress]

A post-3x05 rewrite of Downton Abbey Series 3 and Series 4 in which Sybil lives. Previously posted on my tumblr blog as a series of drabbles re-imagining scenes in S4 with Sybil present.

Lady Sybil Lives AUs are my fav, and I love this one. Sadly *spoilers* it still kills off Matthew *end spoilers* but everything is handled so well. It’s so good.

Looks Like We Made It (Quicketh, Glee) FF [In-progress]

Future Fic. This is a sequel to "Just Let Me Try" and "We Can Do This" set 5-6 years after Quinn and Puck graduate high school. Follow them as they embark on a new phase of their lives with their family and friends.

This is so so so good. It’s the life I wish Quinn, Puck, and Beth could have had, and the other ones in the series are also perfection.

Moments (Cartson, Agent Carter) FF [Complete]

Peggy Carter, Agent, not coffee girl, not office gopher, not simply Captain America's girl, but Agent. Welcome to the new era that is my life...and Jack's as he gets taken along for the ride

Post-Season 1, including a Season 2 AU, with all of Peggy, Jack, and Daniel’s misadventures. I devoured this thing in like a night because I loved it so much, and the sequel/companion is also amazing.

Nothing Was Ordinary (Sizzy, The Mortal Instruments) AO3 [Complete]

"Isabelle was beautiful, not that Simon was biased or anything. It was a fact he knew so well, but sometimes it would just hit him; like when he was going to retrieve some fallen arrows after their fight with a Shax demon. He probably should keep cleaning what he could, making sure he wasn’t cut anywhere, wasn’t burned by ichor but he found himself just staring."

Filled with endless feels on the ending of Lady Midnight, here's a take on the scene Simon mentions in "A Long Conversation". Spoilers for the ending of Lady Midnight.

If you also flailed upon learning that Simon and Isabelle were engaged, this is the one-shot for you.

Pretty Wings (Leyton, One Tree Hill) FF [Complete]

The decision to leave is made quickly, but rationally. The goodbyes are hard, but everyone understands. When Peyton tells Lucas this is their happy ending, he just shakes his head. He tells her it's their happy beginning. Post 6x24 and future Oneshot. LP

I really wish is this is what happened with Leyton after they left. It’s beautiful and I love it.

Redemption Harbor (Leyton, One Tree Hill) FF [Complete]

One man's ferociously cruel obsession causes turmoil in Tree Hill and has our much loved characters striving for salvation, but is it too late? Faith and hope are challenged in a quest for redemption. AU LP

This is so freaking sad and angsty but so beautiful too. The sequel is also awesome.

Speak Aloud What Until Now I’ve Only Sung (Auslly, Austin and Ally) FF [Complete]

It takes eleven years of bad timing and miscommunication, plus one called off engagement, but eventually they figure it out. Austin/Ally through the years. "Austin is her best friend. Having him in her life is more important than anything else ... even if it means having her heart broken from time to time." Complete.

This slightly AU fic is just the right amount of angsty that you have to keep reading, and of course, these two idiots are perfectly in character to boot.

Stay With Me, Go Places (Swarkles, How I Met Your Mother) FF [In-progress]

"No, we really did get divorced. It just kind of turns out that we sucked at it."

If you also were destroyed by the HIMYM finale and need a new canon to accept, may I suggest this one?

To Build A Home (Frary, Reign) FF [Complete]

"The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside its chest." -Debra Ginsberg / Nine months, nine moments, and the building of a family.

Frary baby feels that I sometimes forget aren’t canon because this story’s that good.

And now, some awesome writers:

quantum-oddity (Mostly Hamilton) AO3 || Tumblr (@my-dearesteliza)

If you love Hamliza and/or Philtheo you need to read these fics. If you love family fluff you need to read these fics. If you love smut you need to read these fics. Long story short, you need to read these fics.

gotham-ruaidh (Mostly Outlander) AO3 || Tumblr (@gotham-ruaidh​)

Gotham’s absolutely amazing Jamie and Claire fics are amazing. My personal favorite is the Modern Glasgow AU, where Jamie and Claire raise their children in modern-day Glasgow. So many Outlander characters appear in various different forms and it makes me so happy.

[copyseat0]

2017. A Look Back on a Tumultuous Year.

2017 was a lousy year that followed another lousy year (2016). That I’m alive and have a roof over my head sort of surprises me. I’m VERY GRATEFUL for what I have, so grateful. I’m lucky, even with very serious financial problems because it could be so much worse. I feel for the millions of people who lost their homes this past year due to floods, fire, hurricanes, tornadoes…not to mention all the suffering caused by social upheaval, reports of rampant sexual abuse, and the fears stemming from the actions of the so-called leadership of our precious country.

January

Annie, one of our Kitten Associates fosters, fell ill yet again. She’d been punky after recovering from intussusception surgery in October of 2016. Even though Dr. Larry said she looked good, I pushed to do blood work. It revealed Annie was seriously anemic, to the point of an Internist feeling she might have lymphoma. I asked if we could treat her for my nemesis, Bartonella, because there are some forms of the infection that cause anemia. We couldn’t re-test her so we tried a new treatment. Within a few weeks and some TLC and vitamin B12 injections, Annie bounced back and regained her good health, but just as she was recovering I got a disturbing call.

©2016 Robin AF Olson. Fly Free sweet Lady Saturday. We miss you so much.

Lady Saturday was ailing. She was skin and bones. I didn’t know. Our foster family called and said she needed to see the Vet. She’d been pretty weak and eating a lot less. When Dr Larry saw her, he was shocked. She only weighed 4 lbs and was near death. We didn’t know how old she really was, but we knew she’d had kidney issues for the nearly two years she’d been part of our foster program. She’d gotten fluids, a heated bed, good food, supplements, but we couldn’t cure old age. On January 16th we said goodbye to our sweet girl.

With all of that going on, my cat Petunia began having focalized seizures. We didn’t know the source even after taking her to a neurologist. We started her on Phenobarbital in the hopes it would give her some relief, but did she have cancer? Would she eventually have a grand-mal seizure and I’d come home to find her dead?

©2017 Robin AF Olson. Petunia is doing better these days and no longer needs medication to control her seizures.

The year wasn’t off to a good start, but thankfully it was pretty quiet as far as rescue went. After years of saying I was taking a break from taking on kittens, I decided I would really do it. Then I saw a post online about a huge feral colony in Waterbury, CT. Over 50 cats were struggling to survive and were breeding out-of-control. Read about the first cat we rescued HERE along with follow up stories them HERE and HERE) While doing TNR (Trap, Neuter, Return) isn’t my forte, I thought I could help raise funds for these cats and do some social media outreach.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. My first sighting of the Waterbury Ferals.

My mistake…I decided I had to go to the location to see for myself what was going on, to take some photos, then start raising money for the #Feral50 #waterburyferals. Once I saw a horrifically sick cat, I knew I had to get more involved. I had no idea that instead of taking a break, I was going to be busier than ever for the sake of these cats.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. This little sweetie is feral. She was eventually named Tulip and was the first cat trapped. You can read about her story HERE.

February

I pushed the limits of what I could handle and was pushed beyond my limits by another volunteer who worked doing some of the trapping of the feral cats in Waterbury. The things I saw, some cats barely clinging to life…I found placements for 10 cats, but it wasn’t enough. I had to do more and more and more until February 13th when I ended up in the hospital during a snow storm. I was diagnosed with an ulcer, along with an anxiety attack that I was certain was really a heart attack in disguise. The stress was just too much.

But in rescue "too much" always ends up becoming "just help one more." I decided to take on a pregnant feral from the Waterbury colony.

It was very risky, because I didn’t know what I was going to do with her after the kittens were born and weaned, but as so many other rescues, I just took it one day at a time. Solve one problem at a time-that’s the key. The cat had been named Waverly. She was covered with oil and metal dust. She was too dirty to give birth, but we have a great foster mom who is gentle and patient and who was able to wipe Waverly down every day until Waverly was clean enough to give birth-and just in time, too. By the end of the month, Waverly had given birth to three kittens. Sadly only two of the three survived. I knew that if we hadn’t taken Waverly on none would have made it.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. Happy Birthday Willoughby and Weatherby!

I’ve come to the understanding that in rescue you shouldn’t try to do everything. Rescue the kind of cats you can handle and do your bit. Other people, who are great at things you may not be so great at can do their part. It all adds up to be much more effective than trying to take on more than you can handle and getting sick from it. What I learned is that I am not cut out for TNR. I want to give every cat a chance to become socialized. There isn’t time or space to take that on.

While I respect every cat who just can’t become social kitties, and I will return those cats to the outdoors, it kills me because I know their future will be very difficult, even with a great caretaker looking after them.

Meanwhile, Spencer had a re-check of his blood work because in late 2016 we found out his kidneys weren’t working very well. The new test results showed us that Spencer might only have a few months left because his values changed for the worse, so very fast. We were to start him on fluid therapy and see how he did in 6 months.

March

Things started looking up. I was a Guest Speaker at the first ever, Cat Camp NYC. I had a blast, made new friends and saw some of my most cherished cat lady friends. It did my heart good to be reunited with them and energized me for Kitten Season, which was right around the corner.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. Artist Cathi Marro (left), Me and Jodi Ziskin of Treatibles (right)

We took on #FairfieldCountyGives and had our best fundraising day ever, raising over $3500 in a single day-most of which were $10 donations. We’d be ready to take on kittens, but where were they?

I got an email from a guy who asked for cat behavior help with his 5-month old kitten, Holly. She’d been peeing on the family beds. The guy turned out to be musician and songwriter, Stephen Kellogg. What transpired next even surprised me. You can read about this crazy trip in these stories HERE (including links to all 5 chapters). I’m glad to say that after all the trials and tribulations that Holly is in her home and that Stephen has become a good personal friend and newly minted Cat Daddy.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. Stephen visiting Holly while she was here being evaluated for behavior issues.

Weird April

I wasn’t getting calls about kittens. It was very strange. Then I thought about why it might be so quiet. We’d had a very mild January giving intact cats plenty of time to become pregnant, but in February we had a few brutal snowstorms dropping a lot of snow. I didn’t want to imagine it, but I started to believe that perhaps a lot of kittens just didn’t make it and that the “season” would be starting later in the year.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. Will Bills was a bit too wild for Bill.

For once I got out on my birthday for a short road trip and lunch at O'Rourke's diner. We stopped at a crazy place called Wild Bill's. The namesake and owner was there as we strolled down the aisles. I didn't think he looked so hot. I guess I was right. He died a few days later. I couldn't help but feel like I better not take having another birthday for granted.

May

Ah, Stormy; a purebred Russian Siberian cat whose owner really was allergic to her entered the picture in May. Her mom, Kim, was sick all the time and though she felt terrible about it, she needed help getting Stormy a new home. The problem was, Stormy was not very nice. I thought it might be due to her being declawed. Perhaps she was in pain? So we did a lot of tests to see if that was the problem.

The bottom line was I promised to help find a home for this 9-year old aggressive cat, but how was I going to pull it off?

©2017 Robin AF Olson. Stormy.

I found what I thought was a good home in Boston, but the people were terrible, fearful, posers. A few weeks later they brought Stormy back to Kim’s where I was under even more pressure to find Stormy a placement because her home was about to undergo a serious renovation and they’d have to put her in a boarding facility if she stayed much longer. I honestly didn’t know if I’d ever be able to find Stormy a home. I even tried to get a breeder from the CFF Cat Show, where I took part as a guest judge, to take her on, but with her anger issues it was a lot to ask.

June and July

I wasn’t going out of my way to find kittens to rescue since I never got a break over the winter, but then I got a call from my friend Joan. She told me one of the shelters down south had 65 kittens. They were going to start putting them ALL DOWN in 12 hours. Could I take even a few? She’d foster for me and even go get the kittens.

I decided to take 6 kittens, which turned into 8, except that they counted wrong and there were twins so 8 became 9 and I got another rescue friend to approve taking 3 and somewhere in the middle of that Moe, our other southern foster mama asked me if I could take just one more to make it 13 kittens.

Yes. I’m insane.

I nicknamed the group, the #SweetSuperheroes. If only they had lived up to their name. I wrote about what happened to them, how it broke me in ways rescue never broke me before, but I never published what I wrote. I may some day reveal all the details when I feel I can tell their story without it wrecking me.

In a few words, it was our first experience with Feline Panleukopenia. Within the first week, two of the kittens were dead and the threat of many more hung over us as poor Joan feverishly scrubbed and cleaned, while I spent thousands of dollars on vet bills, cleaning supplies, cages, food and litter for the remaining kittens.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. Some of the kittens we rescued. Thankfully, our offering to take so many inspired other rescues to take kittens, too so a majority of the kittens made it out alive.

Some of the kittens were in isolation at the vet in Tennessee, while some remained at Joan’s foster home. We both did as much as we could to get the survivors healthy for the long transport to Connecticut, but in all honesty I did not want to bring them here at all. I was terrified my cats would get sick.

I’m not a fan of the FVRCP booster vaccination, but we had to make the difficult choice to booster most of our adult cats right away because there is no definite period of time for how long kittens who are exposed to PanLeuk are still contagious. To be safe, the kittens were isolated for 6 weeks, which ruined their window of adoption by a great deal, but I also didn’t want them here if there was any chance at all they’d sicken my cats, too.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. In honor of Super Nibs, who died from PanLeuk. You are forever in my heart. I wish you had a chance to grow up and find your forever family as your siblings did.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. and Major Muffin. He died so fast there was nothing we could do to save him from the ravages of Panleukopenia.

I spent most of the end of June and into July crying, worrying, researching PanLeuk and trying to prepare things here for their arrival. It was the first time in years I dreaded taking on more kittens.

Stormy was proving to be a tougher case than I imagined. The shocker, what I realized much later was that Stormy had reverted to being feral from not being handled for many years. She wasn’t in pain at all.

Because she had to be moved into the in-law apartment in the home and be in close proximity to her family, Stormy ended up getting handled more and sure enough Stormy became friendlier. So friendly that a lovely lady named Annabelle flew to Connecticut from Philadelphia so she could adopt this magnificent cat. They’re doing great and Stormy no longer lives up to her name.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. Stormy says farewell to her sweet mom, Kim and hello to her new mama, Annebelle.

August

©2017 Robin AF Olson. Leslie Mayes gets ready to interview us for #CleartheShelters.

My rescue took part in #CleartheShelters, a national program to help pets get adopted in a 24-hr period. We were off to a great start because Heidi Voight, journalist and Anchor on the local NBC affiliate came over to interview me and meet the #SweetSuperheroes. We did an hour-long live Facebook event and I think we were in the news about 10 times over the next few weeks.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. Ready for their big adoption day, most of the Sweet Superheroes.

The problem was, we didn’t have a shelter to clear, so that meant doing an adoption event at Watertown BMW. Being surrounded by $100,000 cars and anxious adopters and yet more news media was literally a crazy ride. The folks at Hoffman Auto Group BMW were awesome, but some of the potential adopters left something to be desired…yes, screaming kids, demanding kids who wanted a kitten “RIGHT NOW” and unapologetic parents shocked and angry with me. They asked why I would deny their application to their face when the dad would declare they would let our kittens outside even after the mom hushed him and said “They don’t allow going outside. Don’t you get it?” Followed by "dad" getting so angry I thought I was going to have to call the police.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. The Kitten Associates, associates from left to right: Grace, Me, Sam, Adria, Jame and Frances.

Thankfully, one kid was nice and his parents were just as sweet. They saw a poster of Buddy and Belle, my ex-boyfriend’s two cats. They’d been in our rescue for almost a year with not one application for their adoption and they would be too scared to be at the adoption event so the best I could do was have a poster advertising them.

©2017 Kathleen. Buddy & Belle in love with their new mama.

I told the lady their story and she was smitten. A few weeks later, Buddy and Belle were adopted. Her new mom says it’s like they were home from the second they arrived. They’re doing great and the new joke is her son likes to blame things he did on the cats.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. Poor Fluff Daddy!

And then Fluff Daddy got really sick, really fast...Horrible, bloody mushy stool. I was terrified it was PanLeuk. How did he get it? He had to be confined to a cage, then a few other cats got very mildly ill. Tests came back positive for Giardia. How could he get it? Guess what I didn't know? Adult cats can have chronic episodes of it or it can be intermittent! Gah! It's really contagious, but thank God it wasn't PanLeuk.

Shitty September

The brown month. Diarrhea. Kittens with diarrhea. Kittens squirting the walls, floors, bedding, pretty much everywhere but the litter pan, with stinky, pudding poo. I could not get most of the foster kittens to resolve their runs. We did so many tests and trips to the Vet followed by a zillion de-worming protocols and found NOTHING.

Joan had warned me about Tritrichomonous Foetus. It’s pretty much impossible to test for, though we did do a PCR fecal test (negative) and treatment can cause neurological damage and may not even work. I was to a point where I didn’t want to go into the foster room because it would take over an hour to clean it every time I entered it. I was so angry and frustrated that I imagined kicking the kittens outside, but I would NEVER DO THAT EVER. Instead I just cried as I scrubbed the floor yet again. The kittens were oblivious to my suffering. They were not sickly at all, unless you counted them leaking stool out of their rear ends while they were playing.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. Yes, it's poop. The poor kittens couldn't have much of anything soft in their room because it would get filthy so quickly. I don't think any of us got any decent rest that month.

I put the cats on a raw diet. They got better quickly, so as the kittens got adopted, their new families had to promise to keep them on the raw diet. So far, so good.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. The good with the bad...de-wormer for the kittens first followed by a freeze-dried chicken heart treat.

The highlight of the month was my play date in NYC with Mario Arbore who is an architect by day and fantasy cat furniture designer by night. I can’t do better than to have a buddy who builds cat furniture, right? His business is called Square Paws (humans measure space in square feet, so Mario’s coined the term “square paws” to indicate how cats measure space).

©2017 Robin AF Olson. Mario putting the moves on Fluff Daddy.

Mario had been graciously helping me design a brand new foster room for Kitten Associates. We’d bounced a few ideas around over the summer that were truly inspired. The main foster room in my home is totally run down and I want to create a showpiece for our kittens and to allow us to increase adoptions and have a safer, more entertaining home for our fosters. Mario is incredibly creative and though our workload has prevented us from locking down a theme, I hope we’ll get there in 2018.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. Uncle Mario surprised Fluff Daddy and the rest of the kitty-clan with a hand-built giant mouse trap for our cats! Check out more of Mario's wild designs at Square Paws.

October

The Big Chocolate Show returned after being on hiatus for a few years and boy was I happy it came back. The show was fantastic. I learned that there’s some kickass chocolate coming from Ecuador and that I will eat as many samples of chocolate as the vendors will hand out.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. Thank God for chocolate.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. Thunder Cake and Wonder Waffles get adopted together!

With Buddy, Belle and many of the kittens adopted, I took time to focus on trying to make a living and for a quick escape to New York City!

©2017 Robin AF Olson. I actually left the house! Here I am at NY ComicCon where I got to meet one of my idols, Bob Camp, who did the animation art for Ren & Stimpy. I also had a chance to get back to work as a Graphic Designer. I love working with Royal Bobbles on their carton graphics for the main cast of Better Call Saul.

I also had the honor of creating the carton for Bob Ross, the afro-hairdo-headed painter who had a show in the 1970s on PBS that’s in re-runs on Netflix even today.

To see more examples of my design projects, visit Ultra Maroon Design.

The biggest thrill was having a chance to design the new cartons for over half a dozen of The Walking Dead figures. Those designs are still in development so I can’t show them, but I’m crossing my fingers they’ll be greenlighted into development in 2018. The only problem with this project was I felt I needed to watch all 8 seasons of TWD so I could do a better job with the design. It’s a compelling and interesting show, but watching the entire program over the course of a month left me feeling a bit paranoid. I had to fight off the urge to strap a weapon to my leg when I did a run to the grocery store.

November

Waverly found her forever home with a retired couple named Molly and Sam. I was thrilled that the cat we feared was feral was really just a sweet, mild-mannered lady. Her kittens, Willoughby and Weatherby were adopted together over the summer.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. Dear Waverly with her daughters.

Then one night, just before Thanksgiving, my dear 16-year old cat, the Mascot of this blog, Spencer vomited. It was a lot of food. He sounded like he aspirated some of it. Normally I’d wait it out and see how he did, but something told me to go to the vet right NOW because they were going to close soon.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. Waverly on her Gotcha Day with Sam & Molly.

Dr. Mary found a big mass in Spencer’s abdomen and feared it was an aggressive cancer. So began our journey of tests, scans and treatments until we realized that the next step would have to be surgery or palliative care and prepare to say goodbye. We'd already lost 4 cats in 2017. I prayed there wouldn't be another.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. The x-ray that changed everything for Spencer.

December and Beyond

Every time my cats get really sick, I get sick with worry. I try to take a breath, have faith, focus on my cat, but I often find myself not sleeping, not being able to concentrate on work and wanting to bury my head in the sand. But it was Spencer. I had to face whatever it was. I had to face that maybe this was it and I had to face that I couldn’t afford to provide surgery for my beloved cat even if there was a chance it could give him more time.

I almost didn’t ask for help, but in the end I did do a fundraiser. Thanks to A LOT of REALLY REALLY REALLY AWESOME people, we raised just enough to have the surgery done. I still can’t believe it happened at all and am blown away that we got the funds together in just four days.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. What do you mean SURGERY?!

Now that I had the funds, I had to decide for sure if we were going to move forward because there were lots of risks involved and quite a few could happen after the surgery was over.

On December 5th, Dr. Weisman removed a 6cm mass off the very tip of Spencer’s pancreas. The amazing thing was it wasn’t cancerous, but there WAS small cell lymphoma found in other areas. It’s extremely rare that a cat has a benign mass like Spencer’s and I was so grateful, because those sorts of masses often are very aggressive cancers and lymphoma is slow-growing. At the time, I didn’t know if removing the mass would help him, but now, a month later, I can say that Spencer is so much better that he often surprises me.

He’s had a lot of ups and downs and I have to carefully monitor what he eats because he did get pancreatitis after surgery. He’s eating all right, not quite enough. He’s given me some very bad scares, like trying to eat cat litter when he got badly constipated and was battling anemia (He lost a lot of blood during surgery and I read that cats who lick cement or cat litter often are anemic.).

©2017 Robin AF Olson. Doing well and I am oh so very very very grateful to have this extra time with my boy.

We recently did new blood tests to confirm the pancreatitis and anemia and were surprised to see Spencer’s kidney values had improved some.

Today, Spencer’s getting up the stairs to come to bed and tuck me in just like he used to do. He’s also smacking foster cat Andy in the face and chasing after toys. He LOOKS better. His eyes aren’t so sunken. He’s grooming himself more. I honestly am completely thrilled to see him like this.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. Naked belly requires a heated bed for full napping comfort.

It’s time to start him on Chlorambucil, a form of chemotherapy that we hope will retard the growth of the lymphoma and help him feel even better. I already have him on CBD Oil, which may also help and will certainly keep him comfortable even if it doesn’t effect the cancer. I’ve decided to put off starting him on prednisilone because it IS a steroid and Spencer’s oncologist is ok with not using it right away. I’m hoping the CBD oil will take the place of the pred for now. Why? Because steroids really do a number on the body and I’d rather help give him vitality and protect his failing kidneys for as long as I can.

Needless to say, with all the vet runs and care Spencer needed, Christmas cards didn’t get printed and I didn’t do much to plan for “the day.” Somehow it was still a really nice holiday, aside from all the guilt I had for not getting everything done and for not being able to buy presents for anyone except Sam.

©2017 Robin AF Olson. Our Holiday e-card.

Sam and I have had one thing after another go wrong with our finances and honestly I’m terrified that if things don’t improve we will lose our home. We’re trying to keep the faith and we’re both working as hard as we can. So many people have it far worse off than we do, I can’t complain. I’m happy I have a home, it’s not on fire or swept away by a hurricane. I have my dear cats, as much as they often annoy me, they’re still one of the few reasons I get out of bed in the morning.

©2018 Robin AF Olson. Bye bye Sprinkie! I'm going to miss you!

And I’m determined, after nearly eight years of constant fostering, to take this winter off and focus on work and getting funds for Kitten Season. The other cat rescue in town surprised everyone by deciding to close after many years.

Their reason, they aren’t needed any more, which is completely absurd. They spun it into making it sound like they solved the feral and free-roaming cat problem in Newtown so they can look like heroes and get out of doing rescue any longer. It just puts a bigger strain on Kitten Associates so we’ll need to ramp up.

©2018 Robin AF Olson. Macaroon is a total goof head who loves to fetch her pom pons. Her new family promised to make sure she has as many pom pons as her heart desires.

I expect 2018 to be very busy for us as we shoulder more responsibility in helping local cats, but in a way I’m excited for the challenge and crazy as it seems, I really do miss having little ones here.

Here’s to 2018. May we all have a safe, loved, prosperous and Happy New Year!

Oh, and the last two kittens from the #SweetSuperhero rescue were adopted just after Christmas. Congratulations to the Mighty Macaroon and Professor Sprinkles!

©2018 Robin AF Olson. Last night Mackie and Sprinkie met their new family. Here's Suzanne and Maddie, totally psyched to have their first kitties ever!

-----------------A few hours later------------------

….I just got a text message…“Robin, I just found a kitten. Can you take him?”

©2018 Robin AF Olson. Uh oh...

Source: http://coveredincathair.com/content/2017-look-back-tumultuous-year

[allofbeercom]

​Khizr Khan on being vilified by Trump: ‘The far right feels that their voice has been heard’

When the father of a Muslim American soldier killed in Iraq spoke at the Democratic national convention in July, he found himself under fire from Donald Trump. Since then, Khan has been bombarded with hate mail and even asked to run for office

As you look out from Khizr Khans home in Virginia, the Blue Ridge mountains sweep magnificently to one side. Monticello, Thomas Jeffersons idyllic estate, is a few miles in the other direction. And in between, still spiked into his neighbour Richards front lawn, is a plastic campaign sign that says TRUMP.

Maybe hes going to leave it up for the next four years, says Khan, with a smile that turns into a sigh. Shaking his head, he takes a sip of tea and reaches for a small box of chocolates.

It is a month since the man who taunted Khan and his wife Ghazala following their headline-making appearance at the Democratic convention was elected to the worlds most powerful office, and reminders of Trumps victory are everywhere.

But around the Khans living room, so too are mementos of having lived through much worse. Their late son Humayun stares down from one wall, handsome and steadfast in his army portrait. His posthumous Bronze Star and Purple Heart awards are nearby. Humayun, a captain who was killed defending his unit from a suicide bomber in Iraq in 2004, would have turned 40 this year. We miss him so very much, says Khan.

Still, Khan is shaken by Trumps win and a subsequent spike in hate crimes across the US. Muslim friends say their children are being bullied. A doctor from Long Island told him a new patient refused to be treated by her when he saw her headscarf. Hostility toward Muslims is more intense than at any time since Khan arrived in the US in 1980, he says.

The far right feels that their voice has been heard and they have a licence to commit these crimes, he says. I have seen the fear of immigrants heighten after turmoil in the past. But never to this degree.

Khan has taken advice from the police about securing his home. He advises the women in his family not to travel alone. He is furious at Trump for not doing more to help. These are your people, whom you have encouraged to commit these crimes, he says. You have a responsibility as a leader to end it.

Rather than move to calm the anti-Muslim fervour, Trump has made one of its most prominent advocates his national security adviser. Mike Flynn, a retired army lieutenant general who described Islam as a vicious cancer and said fear of Muslims is rational, will help Trump direct US military policy. Suggesting that Flynn is ill, mentally, Khan is deeply concerned about the implications for foreign relations.

Not that the appointment should be surprising. Having dismissed Mexican migrants as rapists and criminals in his first campaign speech, Trump told voters rattled by terrorist attacks in California and Paris that he would ban all Muslims from entering the US. He later proposed barring only those from countries compromised by extremism.

Khan doesnt expect Trump to actually implement the ban, nor a new registry of Muslims he also floated. These were more likely cynical ploys to get votes from the simple-minded people that fell for it, he says. But damage has still been done.

It was Trumps announcement of the Muslim ban last year that led a reporter to call Khan, who was quoted hailing his sons patriotism and sharply criticising Trump. Muslims are American, Muslims are citizens, he said. An aide to Hillary Clinton saw the article, and invited Khan to appear at Julys convention in Philadelphia. His six-minute speech, with Ghazala at his side, caused a sensation.

Khizr Khan gives a stirring speech at the Democratic convention in honor of his son, Humayun

You have sacrificed nothing and no one, he told Trump, who avoided serving in Vietnam because of alleged bone spurs on his feet. Waving a miniature US constitution that hed pulled from his jacket pocket, Khan asked Trump if hed even read the document. I will gladly lend you my copy, he said, to thundering applause. Khan keeps a stack of the booklets on a table beneath Humayuns portrait. Visitors struggle to leave without one.

Incapable of letting a slight go unanswered, Trump called Khan very emotional and suggested he didnt allow Ghazala to speak because of their religion. He moaned on Twitter: Mr Khan, who does not know me, viciously attacked me from the stage of the DNC and is now all over TV doing the same Nice!

Horrified Republicans disowned Trump. Khan said he had a black soul. The dispute was pencilled in as a chapter in the political obituary Trump seemed to be writing for himself.

Things turned out differently. As the results rolled in last month, the Khans were VIP guests at Clintons election night event in Manhattan, where Ghazala was treated as a rockstar by actual rockstars. A lady comes to Mrs Khan and says: Mrs Khan, can I take a picture with you?, he recalls. She pulled the hood on her hoodie down and it was Cher. Katy Perry and Lady Gaga did the same, he said.

But then, it all got quieter. Tearful supporters, who had been dancing in the aisles, traipsed out of the hall as the outcome became clear.

Khan, 66 and on a break from work as a legal consultant, has tried to stay upbeat by stepping up a speaking tour that grew out of his convention appearance. He has been preaching tolerance and pluralism to schoolchildren across the US. Never be disheartened, he tells them.

The packed schedule has exhausted him. Sniffing and coughing, he visibly drains over the course of our two-hour conversation. He is posing for photographs with a team of Japanese journalists as I arrive; an evening function beckons after I leave.

But he is energised by encounters while traversing the country as a recognisable face. Sitting in the eighth row on a recent flight home from Ohio, he was approached by two men sitting in first class. They shook his hand and offered him their seats. We voted for Trump, but we want to thank you, they told him. He politely declined.

As we speak, Ghazala, 65, is busy with one of their four grandchildren, who are between eight months and five years old. She and Khan were born in Pakistan and met at university in Lahore. They came to the US after a spell in Dubai, and live in a smart but unflashy four-bedroom house on a tranquil bluff a few miles outside Charlottesville. They have two adult sons, who advised them against getting involved in politics.

Sinking slowly into his sofa, Khan says the volume of abusive emails he received following the convention has declined, but he still deals with a couple of racist messages each day. He wont show the worst, saying he erases them. In one new arrival on his iPhone, though, a man named Scott Glover felt the need to gleefully remind Khan: Trump won the election and you, Hillary and the rest of the deplorable libs lost.

Rightwing websites including Breitbart News, run until recently by Trumps top adviser, went after the Khans with undisguised venom following the convention. One spurious story, based on a 33-year-old essay Khan wrote, claimed he championed sharia law. Another accused him of taking money from the Clintons. It was actually another lawyer named Khan.

Such was the vitriol that Clinton, who knows a bit about brutal media coverage, asked him when they met at a rally in New Hampshire: Oh my God, how are you putting up with all this? He told her it was worth it, and she assured him: Youre doing something good. He has no regrets about entering the political warzone: There comes a time when one has to take a stand.

Khan at his sons grave. Photograph: Brendan Smialowski/Getty Images

And much of the response has been cheering. Their dining room table is covered in fanmail from across the world. Letters addressed with only their names and Charlottesville now find their way to the house. Khan is particularly proud of one letter, which he pulls from an A4 brown envelope. Mayor of London, the header says.

As Salaamu Alaikum, meaning peace be unto you, the two-page handwritten letter from Sadiq Khan begins. Saying that he was deeply moved by the convention speech, Londons first Muslim mayor tells Khan it demonstrated the power of diversity, tolerance and liberty.

These great American values are also Islamic values, the mayor writes, and your determination to live by these values has inspired many Londoners of all faiths and backgrounds.

A bitter argument has broken out among Democrats since Clintons defeat about whether she spent too much time on these issues of identity and not enough appealing to struggling white males from the rust belt. Khan sides with those who dismiss this as a false dichotomy.

I am biased, he says, but sometimes a moral stand has to be taken, and its worth the cost. I am glad that she spoke up. I believe in equal dignity. We all have equal rights regardless of our gender or our preferences.

Nonetheless, Khan, a political independent who voted for both Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton, does think Hillary also failed to stress the dangers of Trumps wild economic threats against China to the farmers and factory workers of the midwest.

You will not be able to sell your soybeans if we have a trade war with China, he says. They will rot right here, and we will have the same people who voted Trump in standing outside the White House trying to throw him out.

He makes the case better than Clinton did, but has no interest in running for office. He reveals Terry McAuliffe, Virginias governor and a close ally of the Clintons, asked him to. But it would limit me, he says. Just let me speak. He is also, he notes, still not a Democrat.

It may be the tiredness talking, or the practised search for optimism of a parent who has lived through the worst possible grief. But Khan veers from despair about Trumps election to predictions that maybe it wont be as bad as it seems. We just have to hang in there a little longer, he says. When he moves to Washington, things will surely be different.

One thing hes sure about, though, is Trump needs to come off Twitter. Khan stays away from social media, having seen its perils. In his legal career, Khan specialises in electronic evidence discovery. In one case he worked on, a driver involved in a deadly 2007 vehicle crash was told by his lawyer to erase a Facebook photo showing him holding a beer and wearing a T-shirt that read I Hot Moms. But the other side had already downloaded it. The lawyer is now serving a five-year suspension.

Nobody is telling Trump the damage it can do, says Khan. He does not, however, offer his services as a consultant to the president-elect.

At a loss for many more words of his own, Khan unfolds a printout he shows his student audiences. It is a quotation by Elie Wiesel, the writer and Auschwitz survivor, who died in July. It is what he believes.

We must always take sides, Wiesel said. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/%e2%80%8bkhizr-khan-on-being-vilified-by-trump-the-far-right-feels-that-their-voice-has-been-heard/

[myhauntedsalem]

20 Doctors And Nurses Share The Creepiest Last Words Uttered By A Patient Before Dying

1. I work in a cardiac ICU. We had a patient who had a pulmonary artery rupture (a rare, but known complication of a Swan-Ganz catheter). One minute he was joking around with us and the next bright red blood was spewing out of his mouth. His last words before he died were “why is this happening to me?” It still haunts me years later. 2. I’m an RT and had a vented trach patient in angio have the same thing happen. Vent waveforms got a little funky showing she needed suctioned. I walked up to her and saw bright red blood just start shooting up the vent circuit and immediately obstruct it.

I immediately said “she’s hemorrhaging” and the vascular surgeon said “no it’s just a little blood” thinking I was referring to his access site in her groin. I popped her off of the vent and blood just started pouring out of her trach, mouth, and nose. She looked at me and said, “just let me die.”

The puddle of blood was about 6 feet in diameter on the floor within just a couple of minutes and I was covered from the chest down.

I’ve seen some shit, but that was the worst, 3. “But I don’t know how to get there…” Grandpa in hospice. Hadn’t spoken in days. Died about 2 hours later. 4. I’m a nurse and was previously working at an assisted living community on the dementia/Alzheimer’s unit. My very favorite patient had been declining pretty steadily so I was checking on him very frequently. We would have long chats and joke around with each other, but in the last two weeks of his life, he stopped talking completely and didn’t really acknowledge conversation directed at him at all. I finished my medication rounds for the evening and went to see him before I left. I told him I was leaving for the night and that I’d see him the following day, and he looked me in the eyes and smiled SO genuinely and said, “You look like an angel.” I thought it was so sweet because he had not seemed lucid in weeks. He died the next morning. It really messed with me. 5. I overheard an old lady whisper this to her old husband dying of kidney problems. “You are going to beat this, you got away with murder, this is nothing” 6. Nurse here – had a patient come into the ER with shortness of breath. He started deteriorating in the ER, and then quite rapidly on the transport up the ICU. We got him wheeled into his room, replaced the ER lines and tubes with our own, and transferred him from the transport stretcher to his ICU bed. He actually did most of the transfer himself. He didn’t say anything, but just before he died he pleasantly adjusted his own pillow, laid his head down, and then his eyes went blank. This man just made himself comfortable before laying down to die. 7. Dad had MS. He’d had it since he was 18. Diagnosed at 20, married my mom at 24, had me at 29, died 15 days short of 45. Six months before that, he was put on hospice. He and Mom were discussing funeral arrangements, and my mom jokingly said, “You know Tim, the best thing you could do would be to die on a Wednesday. That way we can have the body prepared on Thursday, the viewing on Friday, and the memorial on Saturday, so more people could come.

The morning we got the call that it was time, my mom, two sisters, and I were about five minutes too late. After we said our goodbyes, the nurse pulled my mom aside and asked if that day had any significance. It’s not even 6 am yet, so Mom doesn’t even know what day it IS much less if it’s important. The nurse tells her it’s May 21st. No… nothing is coming to mind.

The nurse told her that the previous day he kept asking what day it was and they’d tell him it was the 20th. He’d look irritated but accept it. That morning, he asked what day it was, and they said, “It’s Wednesday, May 21st.” He smiled, squeezed his favorite nurse’s hand, and was gone almost immediately. It was Memorial Day weekend, and we did just as he and Mom had planned. And despite many friends being out of town for the holiday, we had over 250 people show up at the memorial service, overflowing the tiny church more than it had ever been filled. To his dying day, he was trying to make things easier for our family. I miss him. 8. My grandfather on his deathbed said “they have no eyes,” still give me chills. 9. “Get home safe, little one.” It wasn’t what he said – he said the same thing to me any time I had him as a patient for the evening. It was how he said it. He gave me this look and pause like he knew. The DNR’s in my experience, always know when it’s time. It’s creepy. 10. Checked in on a patient before the end of my shift and she was in good spirits, had been joking with me the whole time. Her condition was tenuous (new trach) but she had been positive throughout. I asked how she was doing and she replied by singing “The old gray mare ain’t what she used to be” and wished me a good night.

I came in the next morning and she had coded and died overnight. 11. Came into an early shift and was handed over a patient who’d been very anxious and had a panic attack overnight. He was anxious all morning but obs all fine, ecg fine and so I just asked someone to sit with him to keep an eye on him/reassure him for me. He gets worse, really panicky, heavy breathing, he’s on his side in the foetal position.

Drs will be in in 10 minutes so I tell him I’ll get them to him as soon as they come in but ask if he’ll lie on his back for me to help his breathing. He tells me he won’t make it until they get here and that he won’t face the other way. Obs still all fine at this point but he’s more agitated so again I suggest he move position for comfort and that’s when he says, ‘I won’t make it until the Drs get here. If I turn to face the other way I’ll die’. He repeated this a few times to me.

He arrested literally as the Drs walked in and he died on the side he’d been refusing to turn to. I’m convinced he knew. 12. I’m an apprentice funeral director. We went to a nursing home on a removal and as we were walking down the hall one of the patients got antsy and opened the door to his room and saw us walking with the stretcher. “I’ll see you next week boys”

And guess who we had to pick up the next week. 13. I found one of my “comfort measures only” patients standing at the side of his bed. It surprised me because he had been mostly unresponsive during my shift. I helped him back into bed and he asked me why all these people were in his room.

He suddenly became quiet again and I noticed he wasn’t breathing. He was a DNR so there wasn’t anything to do to try to bring him back. Looking back he may have been talking about me and the CNA that was helping me get him back into bed, but who knows what or who he was seeing the last minutes of his life. Still creeps me out a little when I think about it. 14. I had a cousin that had cancer and died when he was a little kid. He once asked her mother why all these people visited and she said: “Because your cousins, aunts and uncles love you very much and want you to get better” and he answered, “I’m not talking about them, I’m talking about the ones that visit me at night.” 15. My first hospice case. She was on morphine and started mock smoking. She looked at me, took my hand and said “please” in the most pleading voice I’ve ever heard. I sat with her body until the corner arrived. She has no friends or family. Only her lawyer showed up. I’ve only done one hospice case since. 16. I’ve commented this somewhere before but it’s stayed with me! I’m an RN and while I was a student I was caring for a lady who had end stage renal failure, had a DNAR and was shutting down. We were having a little chat, well I was chatting away while helping her put on some lotion, when she stopped, looked over my shoulder and said, “Bill’s here love, I’ve got to go” and swiftly stopped breathing. Read her old notes and Bill was her deceased husband. 17. DNR patient was on comfort cares. Was on a high dose of morphine and hallucinating. She would alternate between grasping for things not there and trying to climb out of bed. She was too unsteady to walk so my job was to sit in the room and make sure she was safe. She tried to get up and I went to ask her what she needed. She grabbed my arm and pulled me down towards her face and said, very angrily, “kill me”. That one fucked with me for awhile. 18. Back when I was a CNA this one resident fell off a bike for exercise in pt and seized, they came to and became lucid and said, “I think I’m dying,” but everyone in the room assured her that wasn’t going to happen, she seized up and was dead within minutes. 19. Last year: my grandfather started desperately pleading for his life with his German captors from WWII

The doctor present was smart and said in German: “You are free, Herr Caticature. You are free.” And then he died. 20. I actually have 3 that stick out in my mind. An 83 year old woman that said “My mom’s here. Are we going?” She died a few minutes later.

Another older lady said “I think I’m going to die today…” we took vitals, everything seemed fine. She was stable. She had a heart attack a couple hours later. Not her last words, but the last she ever said to me.

The last one is definitely the creepiest. A nice old lady who told my CNA she wanted to wear all white. When asked why, she said “The man in black is here.” She looked in the corner of the room. The CNA looked, but there was no one there. That’s when I came into the room. We asked her to describe what she was seeing and she said “he’s in all black, and he’s got a top hat on.” Then she whispered “and his eyes are red” while her eyes moved across the room to directly behind the CNA, like she was watching him move closer to us. She died later that night. But it was unexpected. That room creeped me out for a long time after that.

[cold-b-writing]

Bound Together: Part 2

Utadukeeus: Habriel woke up and looked down to where he put his clothes. He got out of bed and stretched, looking for the hole in his shirt. However, he noticed that his shirt was sewn and his clothes washed. Changing into them, he slowly walked downstairs. Looking over into the kitchen, he saw Toriel cooking scrambled eggs for Frisk. Who was waiting patiently for their meal. She turned around and smiled at him. "Good morning, child." she said. "What would you like for breakfast?" "I really don't want to be a burden....." Habriel said. "I feel bad about causing you all so much drama." "Nonsense, child." Toriel replied. "You needed help and we just so happened to have found you. What would you like for breakfast?" "I guess.....I'll take an omelette." he said. "Just a cheese omelette." "Of course!" she said smiling. "We can ask you some questions while you eat." Skywardsister: "Okay," Habriel responded hesitantly, taking an empty seat near Frisk at the table. Frisk munched on their scrambled eggs and waved at him, and he waved back, smiling slightly. "Mom makes great omelettes! I hope you like yours!" "Yeah," Habriel nodded sheepishly. He wondered why these people were being so nice to him. Toriel hummed away, preparing the child's breakfast. Utadukeeus: Toriel sat across from him at the table. "So, what caused that?" Toriel asked, pointing out his stab wound. "I...." he started. "These people were chasing me, cornered me in a cave. One lifted me up in the air and stabbed me, then threw me in the hole. You know the rest of the story..." "Why were they chasing you?" she asked. "I....did something they didn't like." Habriel said. "What was it?" she pried. The boy looked down at his plate. "They're a bunch of priests. One of them, was especially cruel. He would beat us, whip us and do....other horrible things.... I......I killed him. And I ran away." Tears started trickling down his cheeks, and he made a light sob. "They were not nice people." he concluded. Skywardsister: Frisk listened intently to Habriel's tale, sitting silently. They wondered how Habriel's fate led straight to them; Habriel fell into the arms of those he needed most. A family. Toriel watched the boy closely as well. Utadukeeus: "But, I always had an elder sister. Before I was sold off. She always told me things like killing was wrong." he insisted. "I don't know anymore. They were horrible people, and they wanted to hurt me." he looked at Toriel dead in her eyes. He was a very confused boy. "Am I a horrible person for that?" Skywardsister: "Oh, my child," Toriel moved over to him with a hand at her chest, pained. "Yes, killing is wrong, but you were defending yourself," She hugged him. "You did nothing wrong." Frisk finished their breakfast and solemnly rose from the table and placed their plate and silverware in the sink. They continued listening. Utadukeeus: He hugged her back, tightly gripping her robes. Toriel could feel the tears rub off onto her robes. "It just.....there were more people. And I left them.... I don't know what to do. Should I go back?" Skywardsister: Frisk returned to their seat nearby and wished to comfort him and offer advice, but that was being covered by Toriel already. Toriel looked at the boy's face after he asked the question. "It's too dangerous for you to try to go back to a place like that, child. There may have been others, but you were getting hurt, and it's okay that you escaped. There's not much that you can do for them. I'm sorry." Utadukeeus: There was a loud knock at the door. "calm down, bro." Sans' muffled voice said from outside. "you might scare 'em off." "I CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER BROTHER!" Papyrus said. "ANOTHER HUMAN FELL INTO THE UNDERGROUND AND MUST BE GIVEN THE BEST WELCOME THEY CAN GET. AND THERE IS NO GREATER WELCOME THAN THE ONE THAT I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS CAN GIVE!" "if you say so, bro." Sans said. "just don't go too crazy, remember this is tori's house. this isn't a place for numb skulls." "UGH!" Papyrus exclaimed. "DON'T YOU EVER GET TIRED OF MAKING THOSE JOKES?" Skywardsister: "Oh!" Frisk stood immediately at hearing the muffled yet loud voices from outside the house. The voices were approaching the door, and Toriel nodded to Frisk, saying that they could go greet the skeleton brothers. "Hey guys!" Frisk opened the door as they came up to it. "HELLO, FRISK! HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE NEW HUMAN THAT FELL DOWN?" The tall skeleton greeted Frisk brightly with a wide smile and wave of the hand. Utadukeeus: "Of course I did, silly." Frisk said. She pointed in the kitchen. "He stayed the night with us! He's over there in the kitchen." "EXCELLENT, I CAN'T WAIT TO GREET HIM!" Papyrus said. "Papyrus, I don't think that's a goo-" before Toriel could finish, the tall skeleton was already in the kitchen. "GREETINGS HUMAN!" Papyrus shouted. They boy jumped from the chair, startled and fell to the ground. "THE GREAT PAPYRUS FORMALLY WELCOMES YOU TO THE UNDERGROUND! WE'RE ALL GONNA HAVE SO MUCH FUN TOGETHER! BROTHER AND I CAN MAKE PUZZLES...AND...AND YOU AND FRISK CAN SOLVE THEM AND-" Habriel quickly wiped away the tears. "Good morning?" "I SEE." Papyrus squinted. "YOU WERE SO HAPPY WITH MY WELCOME THAT YOU CRIED TEARS OF JOY! OH, I KNOW WE'RE GONNA BE GREAT FRIENDS!" "are you sure about that, bro?" Sans said, slowly walking in the kitchen. "good to see you alive and kicking kid. you had us dead worried last night." "Oh, its you again." Habriel said. "Its a good thing you came last night when you did. Otherwise it wouldn't be such a good mourning." "FORGET IT!" Papyrus exclaimed. "THIS ISN'T A GOOD MORNING ANYMORE! THE LAST THING I NEED IS YET ANOTHER PERSON WITH A DULL SENSE OF HUMOR!" Skywardsister: "Aw, Papyrus, don't go!" Frisk groaned, being dragged by the royal guard-in-training's cape. "You've barely met him!" Papyrus groaned and turned, swinging the clinging child around. "OKAY, FRISK. I'LL STAY," He rolled his eyes at his lazy-bones brother. Utadukeeus: Habriel slowly got up and politely bowed to Sans. "Seriously though, if it weren't for you, Frisk and Toriel. I would have bleed to death. Thank you for saving my life. I'm very grateful and hope I can repay my debt to all of you." Sans gave a slight grin. No one has ever bowed to him before. "no worries, kid." he said. "you don't owe me anything." "Really." Toriel insisted. "You don't owe us anything. We're happy to help." "Lady Toriel, I know we haven't known each other for a long time. But..." he looked up at her. "My real mother would never pay attention to me. My father was always gambling and my mother was always drunk. The only person taking care of me was my sister. What I'm trying to say is that, I never had a motherly figure in my life before you. A real motherly figure. So I was wondering, can I call you mother?" Skywardsister: Tears welled in the goat mother's eyes, and she was touched. Her hands fluttered to her mouth and then to wipe her tears away in excitement. "Yes, my child! Of course you can call me 'mother!'" She hugged him once again, happy that he lived through his ordeal, and sad over the child's past experiences. Utadukeeus: He hugged back, smiling. He had never known such kindness in life. "What happened to your sister?" Frisk asked curiously. "Child, please be patient." Toriel said. "Its okay, mother." Habriel said. He turned to Frisk. "I don't remember much. She fell ill and we took her to a doctor. I think he said something like 'Stage Four Liver Cancer'. She....passed away and that's when my parents sold me." Skywardsister: Frisk's expression drooped at his words. So did Toriel's. "I'm so sorry, child..." Frisk nodded, agreeing with their mom's statement. They didn't know how to console Habriel. Utadukeeus: "Its okay." Habriel said. "As far as I'm concerned. You, mother, Sans and Papyrus. You're my family now." he said smiling. "I think that's what she would want." Skywardsister: Each of them smiled at Habriel, happy to be called his family. Suddenly, Papyrus yanked Frisk's and Habriel's arms and lifted them up to stand by him. "I HAVE A GREAT IDEA! MISS TORIEL, CAN I GIVE HIM A TOUR OF THE UNDERGROUND?" Habriel was slightly jarred by the sudden motion, but smiled up at the bubbly skeleton. Toriel looked at Habriel for confirmation, and he nodded. "Sure." Utadukeeus: "Before you leave however, child." Toriel said. "Do you like cinnamon pie, or butterscotch pie?" "Oh, my favorite pie?" Habriel asked. "My sister used to make a very good pecan pie, that was always my favorite." "But, you wouldn't turn your nose to cinnamon or butterscotch, would you?" she asked. "Oh, no. Of course not." Habriel said. "I'm sure that your pies will come out as delicious." "Well." she laughed. "It seems I can't hide much from you." "we'll be back by the end of the day." Sans said. "see you then, tori." "YES!" Papyrus exclaimed. "I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW YOU AROUND! SANS, WHERE DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD GO FIRST?" "Wait a second, guys." Habriel laughed. "I haven't eaten yet."