#there's a lot i want to unpack honestly so i might make this a proper ao3 story at some point

[just-jordie-things]

ik you’ve written abt megumi a lot lately but i’m in deep right now lol😭 can i request a childhood friends to lovers with him and the readers met everyone that he knows except Itadori and Nobara? i feel like meeting them with him would be very chaotic and possibly embarrassing for him

childhood friends to lovers >>>

you're probably the only friend he made in grade school, unless you count tsumiki. honestly megumi isn't sure why you insisted on hanging out with him during recess or lunch, seeing his reputation was a little... well, you know how it was.

at first he's probably a little annoyed that you keep insisting on hanging around him, but eventually you're just a constant in his life. he wouldn't admit it, but on days that you stayed home sick or had an appointment during school hours, he was a little bit lonely.

(tsumiki teases him constantly and is always asking about you)

it's not until you admit a secret to him that he decides you probably are his best friend, and will finally admit it out loud. he'll never forget the nervous way you told him that you could see monsters, afraid that he would laugh and make fun of you for such a stupid thing. you're surprised when he sits down with you and tells you all about curses and jujutsu sorcerers and the annoying man that had essentially adopted him to strengthen his abilities in the hopes that one day he could kill those monsters.

(you fall a little in love with him that day in the fifth grade when he tells you that you don't have to be afraid of the monsters bc he'll always be around to scare 'em off)

you remain attached at the hip all through middle school, learning everything about each other during study halls and late nights staying up on the phone together. you talk to him about your cursed technique, and he spends hours with you trying to better understand it's capabilities. neither one of you have any other friends, and if you thought enough about it you'd probably realize you're social rejects. but neither of you care. you had each other and you understood each other, and that was all that really mattered.

the summer before high school, megumi tells you that it was time for him to go to a different school, where he could learn more about curses and follow the path to being a proper sorcerer. you tell him you're happy for him, that you're proud of him, and you know he'll succeed in anything he puts his mind too. he's blushing. you're holding back tears.

you don't want him to go. you couldn't possibly ask him to stay.

and then one day, just before the school year started, a weird man in dark sunglasses and the whitest hair you've ever seen approaches you while you're waiting for your order to be called at your favorite cafe.

he tells you who he is, and that megumi had spent many, many hours talking about you and your abilities. he hands you a brochure, and tells you that he wants you to enroll at jujutsu tech. at first you refuse, you're too afraid of the monsters, and you came from a family of non-curse users. you'd never even told them about your abilities. gojo tells you that he'd already spoken to your parents, and he'd convinced them to let you go to a private school under the guise of your outstanding academic record.

with that, you couldn't really refuse.

megumi is ecstatic when gojo brings you to the school. gojo doesn't think he's ever seen him so happy, and he's surprised when he hugs you tightly, overcome with joy that he didn't have to be apart from his favorite person.

you're both blushing.

in the two weeks before school starts, you help each other unpack and decorate in your little dorms, which are just down the hall from each other. you admit to megumi that you're not sure if this was the right path for you, and he tells you that no matter any anxiety you might have about your new life, he'd be there to help every step of the way.

your heart skips a beat when you look up into his azure eyes, knowing that he meant every word he said. are you supposed to feel this warm and fluttery for your friends? you're not sure, but you enjoy the feeling of butterflies in your stomach, so you don't think too much about it.

you spend almost every waking minute together before school starts. it's the best time of your life. you don't think you've ever been happier. megumi feels the same. he doesn't think he's ever laughed so much in his life spending all this extra time with you that he didn't get as much when you were still growing up.

the night that he's sent to find the cursed object that was sukuna's finger, you had been practicing applying your cursed technique with a teacher back at the school. apparently the blonde man with the spotted tie was the only one patient enough to train with you from the afternoon to well into the evening.

you aren't aware of the events that transpired with one itadori yuji. you had far too much catching up to do. megumi briefly mentions another student joining our class, but he doesn't give away too much information. he'd rather hear about how far you're coming along with your technique, anyways.

a few days later, your mentor Nanami tells you there will be yet another student joining you, a young girl this time. you're excited at the prospect of making new friends.

megumi dreads it.

gojo had already mentioned you (more specifically, he'd said "just wait until you meet (y/n)! I'm sure megumi will be happy to introduce you to his girl!") to the three of them on the last assignment they'd taken together. yuji and nobara had squealed at the prospect of their grouchy classmate having a girl. megumi doesn't know how yet, but he knows he'll have to get gojo back for that one.

it's not until a few days after nobara has joined the team that you finally have some free time away from training, and you suggest to megumi that all four of you should have some bonding time.

"we're classmates. we bond enough" he'd replied gruffly, going back to the book he was reading. but you gave him your best puppy dog eyes and insisted that you must meet them.

"you think they won't like me?" you ask when he continues to shoot the idea down.

megumi huffs, finally dropping the book to his lap and staring blankly at you. you scooted closer to him on his bed.

"you're not embarrassed of me are you, megumi?" you tease, grinning ear to ear.

"course not" he muttered, turning away in hopes that you wouldn't see his blushing face.

you can still see the red tips of his ears, and that feeling of butterflies that you'd been experiencing lately returned. you tease him for his blushing. he gives in with a defeated sigh, throwing his head back against the wall as he agrees to a lunch with your new classmates.

you clap your hands, and lean forward to press your lips to his cheek without thinking. he thinks his heart might burst he could die right there. he gets up and leaves the room hastily under the excuse of finding nobara and yuji.

when the lunch finally rolls around, he contemplates pretending to be sick so he didn't have to go. he couldn't possibly handle yuji and nobara teasing him- which was bound to happen.

but you're so excited, you'd spent all morning with him trying to find the right thing to wear- despite megumi repeatedly telling you that anything was fine, and he was just going to wear his uniform.

"well that's different, you look good in your uniform. it makes me look boxy" you told him, before grabbing a different hanger and heading back into the bathroom to change for the hundredth time.

he feels hot suddenly at the compliment. you continued to fluster him, and it was starting to drive him crazy.

when you emerge in a new outfit, megumi swallows his fear (and maybe his pride too).

"that looks good," he tells you as you look over the outfit in your mirror. "you look, uh, pretty"

you grin, finding it adorable how much he struggled to compliment you. you decide this is the one, and beckon him to come with you to meet your new friends at the gate.

"they're loud," megumi warns. "and... annoying" he adds.

"I don't mind," you shrug, not thinking twice about his cautious words. "I think it'll be good for us to branch out a little"

megumi's hands are closed in tight, clammy fists at his sides.

"i guess" he mumbles. he's never felt so much anxiety in his life before.

(y/n) reaches a hand out to his, gently prodding open his fist and linking her fingers through his. he stops in his tracks, and she turns to look at him, puzzled.

"what's been bothering you?" she asks, worried.

megumi looks anywhere but at her face. all he can think about was how soft the palm of her hand is, and how it seemed to fit perfectly in his. his heart's racing. his mind is buzzing with thoughts of her. but even with her standing in front of him, he can't bring himself to look at her.

"it's stupid"

(y/n) shrugs her shoulders. "so?"

its a simple response, but it seems to do the trick to get herself catapulted over his high, high walls, because he gives in and fucking admits it already.

"they kinda know that i... like you," he says, eyes dropping to hers to watch her reaction closely. "like you like... more than friends like each other"

her mouth forms a little 'o' and her cheeks and quickly turning a rosy shade of pink. she processes the words carefully, before her lips break into a smile, and she squeezes the hand she's holding.

"megumi," she says warmly. "why does that bother you so much? you don't want them to know?"

he sputters out nonsense.

"well I didn't need them going and- and blabbing off to you! I wanted to be the one to tell you first"

(y/n) chuckles, and drags him along with her so they can continue their walk to the gates.

"I already knew," she shrugged casually.

megumi thinks he's going to die.

"but I appreciate you finally telling me," she adds. "and for what it's worth, I like you too"

he wants to cuss her out for making him so anxious over nothing, but he's so elated that he bites his tongue.

(for now, later that night he'll chew you out for not telling him sooner. you'll giggle and kiss his nose and tell him you like watching him squirm. he'll pull you against him and affectionately call you the devil)

and for what it's worth, megumi wasn't wrong. as soon as your new classmates see your joined hands and megumi's blushing face, it is open season. you want to make them calm down for your sweet, shy boy's sake, but you can't help but giggle along while they childishly, relentlessly tease him for having a soft spot.

the soft spot grows larger as he ducks his face into the collar of his shirt. his hand squeezes yours a little tighter.

silently, you tell him,

any anxiety you might have, I'll be here every step of the way. ___

got a lil carried away. i love megumi he makes me soft :')

[l3viat8an]

Hola Ro 🥰

This is gonna be a mouthful but...

Thinking about Human! College au! Dorm neighbor! Beel and Belphie gets like 5 seconds of this lmao

Oc he's still a big eater but imma tone it*way* down cuz he human.

This bitch is the best cook in the entire dormitory. Like there is no broke college boy here because in addition to his job he sells lunch/dinner plates. They're reasonably priced but he sells so many that his profits are pilin' up Belphie has to help pack and deliver the trays.

Just imagine you move into your new dorm and before you even unpack your first item, there's a soft knock on the door. You open it up and you're honestly surprised at how far back you have to tilt your head to see the smiling face of this ginger. You studder a bit as you greet him and he smiles back warmly. "Hey! I'm Beelzebub, but you can call me Beel. I'm a Junior here" He smiles lifting up a tray "Brought over some lasagna, thought you might enjoy it" Oh! So that's what that gigantic tray he's holding has in it! Accepting the tray with a little smile you swear it weighs like 5 pounds. "Thanks... Uh, Would you like to join me? I couldn't possibly eat this much lasagna alone" He tilts his head slightly "You don't have a dormmate?" You shake you're head in response and Beel frowns a little bit. "I bet that's pretty lonely." He shakes his head and then smiles brightly again. "Well feel free to come by our dorm any time. I'll introduce you to my roommate tomorrow"

Beel comes in and the two of you eat lasagna together on your futon with box tables like a scene from a movie and you're taken aback by how much he eats. The tray of lasagna is finished in just under half an hour and you converse for a bit, complimenting him on his culinary skills and talking about classes and schedules. Eventually, he heads back to his dorm because whatever he was cooking in the pressure cooker is done and he needs to go pack meal trays. You offer to help as a thank you for the lasagna and he accepts joking about Belphie needing his beauty sleep anyways.

This becomes a regular thing for the two of you and Belphie is honestly grateful that his naps no longer need to be cut short. And surprisingly Beel's sales go up because you bring the flavors of your culture to the little business. Eventually it grows so much that Beel can quit his job and expenses are still fully covered.

Cutting to the list part of the hcs lmao

𓆦 Beel who finds himself a bit flustered as mix and chop ingredients, occasionally lifting a little spoon to his lips for him to sample the flavor. Admiring the cute satisfied face you make when tells you the flavor is perfect.

𓆦 Beel who eventually gets bold enough to lick a little bit of batter of your cheek, chuckling as your cheeks turn pink from his actions

𓆦 Beel who buys/makes lots of cream filled treat because he loves how a little bit always spills out of the corners of your mouth when you take too big of a bite. Imagining is his cum spilling out of your mouth instead of just the cream of a pastry

𓆦 Beel who jerks off in his room at 1 in the morning because he can't stop thinking about how your small hands were wrapped around the piping bag as the two of you iced mini cakes together. Wondering what it would be like for them to be wrapped around his cock instead. Belphie eventually knocking on his room door, telling him to be quite because the walls are thin and you can probably hear him from inside your dorm.

𓆦 Belphie who visits you in your dorm asking you to please just fuck Beel already because he has to deal with Beel's horny ass all day, every day.

𓆦 Beel who takes you on a proper date before he even tries to make a move on you because he wants to be a gentleman

My fingers are dead from typing this (´༎ຶ ͜ʖ ༎ຶ `)♡

~🍒

Nsfw content MDNI

🍒!!!!!! I have no words oh fuckkkkk-

𓆦 Very silly first thing but Beel who has a poster of Garfield eating lasagna in his kitchen :))

𓆦 Beel who during your date (if you went out for a change) sends a quick texts to Belphie telling him to get out so he can get laid-

𓆦 Beel who is the perfect gentleman throughout your whole date!!! Even asking before he kisses you because he doesn’t want to move too fast…

𓆦 Beel who can’t and won’t stop kissing you after that. The sweet softness fades away into hungry, biting kisses, as he nips at you bottom lip hoping to slip his tongue into your mouth. Only ever braking the kiss long enough to mumble about how good you taste~

𓆦 Beel who tries so hard not to just rail you into next week- he really wants to be gentle and slow…make it feel special for your first time with him…but when you whine and moan like that he can’t help it. Folding you practically in half on the bed and just stuffing you full~

𓆦 Beel who can’t stop telling you how well you’re taking him, how good you feel around his cock…how it’s so much better then he’s imagined and oh fuck- don’t squeeze him like that….he doesn’t want to cum too soon!-

𓆦 Beel who covers your tummy in his cum cuz he’s worried about cumming inside on ‘the first date’ :((

𓆦 Beel who still, after all that, wants to eat you out and have you cum on his tongue…..please? He knows you’re sensitive but it’ll feel good!! He promises!! He would have done it first but he couldn’t wait to feel you around his cock-

𓆦 Beel who carries you into the bathroom to wash the cum off, before taking you back to bed (dressed only in one of his huge t-shirts)

𓃾 Belphie who sneaks in as quietly as he can’t at like 3am….but can’t help peaking into Beel’s room. Seeing your body wrapped around Beel’s, “Good date?” both you and Beel open one eye and whisper back in unison, “Great date..”

[rollercoasterwords]

porn anon again (a sentence I never thought i’d write). I see now that I worded that question badly, I was really just referring to pornhub / other porn streaming platforms. I agree with you for the most part, but for a lot of women it feels like our business too, not just that of sex workers. I will never shame sex workers, but being sexually active with a generation of boys who have grown up watching videos involving beating / assaulting women and being led to believe that those are normal things to be getting off to is incredibly scary. Yes, those things will always be available on the internet, I think the problem is that it’s being celebrated as sexual liberation for women when a lot of the time it is quite literally the opposite. When I think about the damage of porn as a whole, while I do care for the safety of sex workers, I’m mostly thinking about the overall normalization of abusing women during sex and wrapping it up in a pretty little package labeled ‘kinky’. With that all being said, my reading on the opposing argument is much more limited and my opinions might change after looking further into it.

lol hello again sorry it took me a bit to get back to this i wanted to make sure i was giving a response proper time! i understand where ur coming from + honestly i used to think pretty similarly to what ur describing here, so i'm gonna go through what ur saying line by line + try to ask some questions that shifted my own perspective on this subject [v long post + potential tws so putting a cut]

i was really just referring to pornhub / other porn streaming platforms

i figured this was probably what you had in mind, but i want to reiterate that it's important to be specific about what we're criticizing if we want to make a critique. even here, grouping together "pornhub/other porn streaming platforms" is a very broad category that is not necessarily going to be best served by a uniform approach to critique. in terms of my personal feelings about pornhub, i'm not a fan for the same reason that i'm not a fan of any large corporation that can only exist + profit through exploitative labor practices. in terms of other porn streaming platforms, i simply don't know enough to give you a specific answer about my personal feelings, and i'm not sure that every platform operates in a similar enough way that i'd have the same critique for each one.

I agree with you for the most part, but for a lot of women it feels like our business too, not just that of sex workers.

nobody is saying sex work isn't your business--in fact, i think that everyone should support sex workers' rights and activism. however, if what you're getting at here is the idea that everyone, and not just sex workers, should be given equal voice on these issues, then i disagree. i think that sex workers themselves are best equipped to speak about what will make their lives safer and more equitable, and we should prioritize listening to them if our goal is to make sex work safer.

I will never shame sex workers, but being sexually active with a generation of boys who have grown up watching videos involving beating / assaulting women and being led to believe that those are normal things to be getting off to is incredibly scary.

there's a lot to unpack here! first, to your point that "i will never shame sex workers"--i would really, really encourage you to read that book i recommended in my previous response. i understand that this is a well-intended sentiment, but the idea that you can be vocally anti-porn without shaming sex workers simply doesn't ring true to me. if you believe that porn, as a whole (even if you're qualifying it as "the porn industry" or telling yourself that maybe there are some kinds of porn that might be okay, but most of it is bad), is so exploitative that our political goal must be its elimination or increased policing of its production (the typical goals of anti-porn lobbying), then that leaves sex workers in one of two categories: either they are abject, voiceless victims with no agency in their own exploitation whom we should pity, or they are willfully complicit in their own exploitation and harming themselves + others by participating in a corrupt line of work. even if this is not explicitly stated, it is the effect that comes through, and it contributes to the shame + stigma surrounding sex work. melissa gira grant summarizes it thus: "They [sex workers] are at once blamed for contributing to the objectification of women through being objectified themselves and, through their occupation, for sexualizing all women, and for profit."

and then, to the second part of what you're saying here--the idea that porn normalizes sexual violence against women. this is the crux of many anti-porn campaigners' arguments, and i understand how it can feel like a very intuitive conclusion. but i want to challenge what you're saying here a bit, so bear with me.

first off--sexual violence does not stem from porn. it has always existed, regardless of what kind of porn is available or being produced + disseminated. there's really no way to try and 'objectively' measure whether sexual violence has increased in correlation to the proliferation of easily-accesible hardcore porn, and even if there was it would be even more difficult to move past simple correlation and somehow prove direct causation.

personally, i don't find it compelling to argue that getting off to violent porn can directly cause people to become sexually violent, for a few reasons. one is that i think there is an important difference in representation and fantasy versus real life--many people get off to things that they would not actually want to participate in or do, so to argue that violent porn has some sweeping power of mythic proportions to turn young boys and men into sexually violent predators seems reactionary to me. i also don't think sexual violence is about getting off; sexual violence is a means of establishing power. this is a pretty central tenet of addressing rape culture--for example, the idea that it doesn't matter what someone looks like or what they're wearing because people don't commit sexual violence just because they're overcome with lust.

porn also isn't created in a vaccuum; if we're concerned with what sort of depictions appear in porn, it doesn't make sense to me that the response to that is a crackdown trying to eliminate pornography (which almost always has the material impact of making life more unsafe for sex workers)--i think it makes more sense to turn our activism to other sites of cultural production where the attitudes underlying potentially concerning depictions grow from. like; if we're concerned that easy access to violent porn will make young boys think this is the standard (not a fan of 'normal' as a qualifier) way to have sex + base their expectations around such depictions, then it seems to me that rather than trying to ban violent porn it would be more effective and useful to advocate for increased sex education and more portrayals of varying types of sex + sexuality, to encourage the idea that there are many ways to have sex and the most important thing is to make sure you're communicating with your partner(s) + respecting their boundaries.

Yes, those things will always be available on the internet, I think the problem is that it’s being celebrated as sexual liberation for women when a lot of the time it is quite literally the opposite.

i'm assuming that the "it" you're referring to here is violent sex/s&m, but it could also be sex work/making porn, so i'm going to respond to both.

first - regarding the idea that becoming a sex worker is celebrated as sexual liberation. i think this is perhaps a skewed view of what's actually happening in broader culture, and i would encourage you to think about why you hold this view--what sources is it coming from? what specifically has given you that impression? because broadly speaking, sex work is still very much stigmatized, and many sex workers are completely realistic about this stigmatization and the fact that sex work is work, and deciding whether it's something you want to/have to do isn't a simple decision. i know there's this idea that a handful of sex workers talking about how much money they make online is like...influencing young girls to think that sex work is 'empowering,' but in reality that is only a handful of people--many of them young women themselves, who i don't think should be villified for wanting to portray their jobs as glamorous when they are heavily stigmatized by wider society. if there actually are large numbers of young people being coercively persuaded to become sex workers when they otherwise wouldn't, then the primary conditions of coercion there are economic and would be best addressed with anticapitalist politics, not antiporn politics (which, again, will likely only serve to further stigmatize + endanger sex workers!).

regarding the idea that s&m is celebrated as sexual liberation--again, i don't know how broadly this applies. there are still certainly many voices that decry sex + especially kinky sex as shameful and degrading, even if there are also voices claiming that it is unilaterally empowering. and even to the extent that someone claims getting choked during sex is feminist or whatever, the issue i'd take there is not the actual act itself--i think rough/violent/kinky sex is morally neutral, and there's nothing wrong with enjoying it--but rather the terms in which we are framing 'empowerment.' any argument that feeling personally good translates to broader 'empowerment' under patriarchy is a flawed premise to me, as i'm more concerned with focusing on 'empowerment' in terms of material conditions. it's the same issue i take with people who call wearing makeup 'empowering' or seeing a depiction of 'female rage' in movies 'empowering'--which is that simply feeling good is not a feminist action. when it comes to rough sex/s&m, i don't think it's helpful either to act as though such acts are inherently degrading or inherently liberatory. instead, i think we should just encourage people to explore whatever kinds of sex they want to explore without assigning moral weight to specific sex acts.

When I think about the damage of porn as a whole, while I do care for the safety of sex workers, I’m mostly thinking about the overall normalization of abusing women during sex and wrapping it up in a pretty little package labeled ‘kinky’.

gonna just point back to/echo a lot of the stuff i've already said--first off, "porn as a whole" is doing a lot of work here and sort of saying the quiet part out loud; despite clarifying at the beginning of your message that you mean pornhub + streaming sites, we've now come back to the idea that all porn is bad. i would really challenge you to ask yourself whether this is something you actually believe, and if it's not, why you're defaulting to this position. if you care for the safety of sex workers, then you must understand that the history of antiporn activism is one of increased policing + danger for sex workers, not making them safer. the idea that porn is responsible for normalizing sexual violence against women is something i already talked about, so i won't repeat myself at length--but again, i'd emphasize here that i don't think just getting rid of porn is a feasible or even useful political response to sexual violence. and i am wary of the conflation here between abuse and kink; people who participate in consenual s&m are not inherently abusive, and plenty of 'vanilla' sex acts can be abusive or part of sexual violence.

With that all being said, my reading on the opposing argument is much more limited and my opinions might change after looking further into it.

i would really, really encourage you to read melissa gira grant's 'playing the whore' and try to branch out a bit in terms of your thinking on this subject! again, i used to think similarly to you and i understand that a lot of antiporn arguments feel very intuitive, but it's important when developing a politics to focus not on whether that politics feels like it makes sense, but the actual, material impact that it has. and the material impact of antiporn politics has been, by and large, not the prevention of sexual violence, but increased danger + stigma for sex workers.

[disneyprincemuke]

DUDE CONGRATS ON 3K THATS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT BABEY pookies doing so good 🫶

Anyways I wanna do the brainrot but like not for you to do it but more I just wanna talk about the mermaid landoscar brainrot I’ve had to where one of the first things I said to you was a whole 30 minute essay on the world building and au I had in my head instead of replying to you like a simple person does. I was legit in @formulafics dms being like I am scaring the hoes then proceeded to show you my 2k essay on Las Vegas gp and why I hated it and then my essay on why I think yuki win next year is very likely. So glad I didn’t scare you away with all that because I’m so glad I worked up the courage to talk to you and now we worry about why the other is awake at the worst of times 🫶😽

Long tangent just to say I love this au in my head and the tiktok you sent is literally lando trying to seduce Oscar in the au. I need everyone to know about the mermaid au agenda like it’s the last thing on earth 🙏 LANDO being the sit still look pretty shining his scales and Oscar being just some guy trying to eat lunch with his mermaid friend who might kill him but also brings him food because he doesn’t want another dead bird incident (lando thinks Oscar is providing food for them to show he’s interested in courting him) (dead bird incident refers to lando trying to give Oscar a dead bird from his kills to show he wants to court Oscar because Oscar didn’t give attention to his scales even tho he spent hours making them sparkle in the morning sun) the head canons I have for this au there’s so much I just need everyone to know about it

Ps you’re doing amazing keep it up 🫂💜

hi rena it took me forever to answer this for one reason: there's a lot to unpack here

first of all, i'd like to address the mermaid au that's landoscar u guys, like honestly it's kinda cracked and funny so i THINK someone should write it because i'm already fighting for my life with 23434589 updates i haven't gotten around to because i simply refuse to get proper sleep... and also, the tiktok is funny so watch it and remember that lando is the siren and oscar is the human in this au ok? it's very funny guys please brain rot with rena and MAYBE we can get somebODY TO FINALLY WRITE IT

also, her 2k essay on the vegas race is very interesting and if i actually know my stuff better, i would haVE BEEN ABLE TO GIVE A PROPER REPONSE INSTEAD OF ANSWERING DRYLY LIKE A LOSER

i love u <3

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

We finally have our packing supplies, so this weekend we're going to start getting everything squared away. We have a shockingly short amount of time to get packed which should be fine for a 500sq ft apartment, but I'm still a bit anxious. I know we'll want to make sure things are packed in an order that makes sense so we still have our daily use items until the last minute, and we have to do a lot of purging/giving away of things that aren't coming with us because they aren't worth moving. I figure we'll be getting rid of a lot of our kitchen supplies for that reason honestly. My hope is that when all is said and done, we'll just be moving a bed frame and mattress, a tv and stand, the kitty litterbox credenza, a folding card table and computer, a pair of nightstands, the storage tubs, and the pets. It should take an hour or so to get everything loaded and unloaded off the truck, assuming it's all packed and broken down when the movers get here, and all we need them to do is get stuff up and down the stairs for us.

I think we can definitely make this work in 2 weeks. Like. If we spend the next two weeks steadily packing things into the tubs and cleaning the apartment up behind us, we can make a final push the week before we leave to get everything really cleaned up and the last pod wardrobes and daily use items packed away the Sunday we head out. It might mean like. Setting aside 30 min of packing/cleaning every day for each of us that we use to move towards the end goal.

I think one step I'm going to take today is rearranging things in the car and setting up the doggie crate in the trunk for travel. That means unburying the doggie crate and bed from the closet (which also means cleaning out the closet and sorting keep from get rid of and putting the keep into storage tubs since the closet is all storage anyway), and then bringing them down to the car. Then I'll have to clear out the trunk entirely and set up the doggie crate in it. Then I'll have to figure out where to put the things that are currently in the trunk for storage purposes over the next two weeks. In tubs in the apartment? Back in the trunk with the crate? Etc. Either way, I'll get the closet and crate sorted today I think. Good day for it. Having the closet clear will also help me feel more able to make a dent in the rest of the room's packing later in the weekend. I'll probably try to sort through my clothes and make a pod wardrobe, then pack the rest on Saturday during my break. Sunday will probably be heavy cleaning and sorting of what's left in the room, and maybe sorting what's daily use and what's not in the bathroom so we can scrub that too.

We can do the kitchen piecemeal because mostly it's daily use stuff or things that aren't coming with us, and very few things that need to be packed now. It'll mostly be about clearing out the area of recycling and boxes that have piled up, cleaning, putting our files and loose belongings into storage tubs, and packing the dried and canned goods that we know we won't need between now and moving day. We'll probably want to grab an ice chest we can pack the fridge food into, or just give all that to our local friends before we leave so we don't have to try and transport it. We'll need to clean the fridge THOROUGHLY before we head out Sunday, which will mean unplugging it overnight Saturday, letting everything defrost, and cleaning it up proper. So actually probably we just give everything to our local friends Saturday night and have a big ol stir fry with whatever's left.

I'm pretty confidant this is doable, I'm just also thinking about how tired I'm going to be when we finally get to our new place and have to unpack lol

[fairytalesandfandoms]

Well, this has been a bit of a... what I'm calling Big Thoughts Summer, which I guess could be categorised as 'a few significant realisations that could be more conducive to more self-acceptance in certain areas' if you wanted to focus on that angle, but 'Big Thoughts' is shorter and also more reflective of what they actually feel like in my head

Things included thus far in Big Thoughts (mostly concentrated on social media/the internet and my reactions to it):

The whole Nicolas Cage thing and associated 'I am cringe but I am free'

Special interests do make a difference in my head (source: me waking up and not having The Discouraging Ennui, which let me tell you was certainly a pleasant surprise after what, 8 years? And now it feels actually more possible)

would my life really be that horrible and unsatisfying if I don't obsess over 'curating' every aspect of it (this was one that I came across when packing up to move, as I was getting stressed because all the advice I saw was to have a big declutter before packing but I simply did not have time)

and on that note, the emphasis on always getting rid of stuff before you organise what's left. Like, I get the logic behind this, but at the same time one of the major things about unpacking was that I didn't know where things were any more. I still can't find my matches for the candles. But I was like 'I can't organise until I've decluttered! All the books and videos say so!' and then 'BUT I NEED TO ORGANISE wait a minute. Why CAN'T I organise things first if I need to?' Still working on it but I've changed my current focus.

what am I even doing with Goodreads/Storygraph. Can't I just read things and not automatically keep a public record of my reading that I'm inevitably going to worry about people judging

also conflicted about keeping a TBR list. I didn't have a proper one until 2012 when I had Goodreads. My dilemma is that I want to remember which books I was interested in (as well as their publication details) but it's also taken a lot of spontaneity/serendipity out of looking for books as well as giving me a whole new to-do list that can be MASSIVE because when it comes to media my eyes are bigger than my stomach. Similar issue with the giant film and TV Spreadsheet of Doom.

my friends have started a writing group and: writing??? is actually fun??? It gives you a feeling of those 'putting down the train tracks just ahead of you while the train is at top speed' cartoons, but in a positive way? 2014 NaNoWriMo me is like 'sounds fake but okay'

cool as in 'exclusive, implying a hierarchy of taste' is OUT. Cool as in 'what someone thinks is fun and/or interesting' is IN (and yes I know that out/in framing implies the former, but I was trying to get my point across in a memorable, understandable way).

I love to look at people's collection rooms. I can't remember how I got to 'man makes fake video store in his basement' on Pinterest, but I noticed that even though such things might not be the 'aesthetic' I think is most beautiful I still liked them a lot? I also came across pictures of Guillermo del Toro's 'Bleak House' where he stores his horror stuff, and honestly goals (maybe not the horror aspect so much, but in the way it's decorated and arranged.)

[eclipsecrowned]

So, it’s an established piece of lore on this blog that Hel’s glamours are there for the benefit of mortals rather than a reflection of any inner turmoil. Among her own kind, kin, and peers, she’s more likely to wear her natural face and trust that those she meets can handle the truth, whereas mortals are not as likely to handle the corpse-side with as much grace. She gets it! It’s no skin off her back to take the comfort of others into account!

But the glamours and her chosen flesh is only one part of her overall presentation. The other part is her wardrobe, how she presents that body she takes such care with. Her fashion choices reflect as much a sense of her independence and personal taste as they do confine her to her forced role.

For starters, Hel takes great pains to highlight the feminine in her clothing. Her closet is by and large stuffed with dark dresses of flattering but mature cuts, supplemented by use of jewels and metalwork that make her look like a western standard lady of decent means. As her form is naturally androgynous, the choice of clothes and accessories is one way that Hel gets to present herself in a way that pleases her. Her form might be largely sexless, but her style declares that she wants to be perceived as a woman.

In addition, fashion is one of the few ways she can keep her family close and let others know where her allegiances lie. Serpentine bands around her wrists, a wolf’s head of silver clasping her collar shut, topaz stones on her finger that are the exact shade of her father’s eyes, these things say she has neither forgotten nor forsaken her kin. To some, this is a threat, and to others, it advertises her virtues in familial loyalty. 

That said... She also dresses for the job she has rather than the freedom she desires. There’s a part of her that yearns for lighter fabrics that promise a world with changing seasons, to adorn herself in printed flowers and pretend for a moment she is part of some garden. She muffles that part, however, and chooses instead to adorn herself as a ‘proper’ cthonic god - grim and dark-clad. There’s probably a good argument to be made that her presentation is one of several factors that have an adverse effect on her mental state. In her own head, her attire serves to highlight her maturity and firm-hand as a goddess, one who clads herself in the black of the grave and protects herself against the permanent winter of the realm she remains bound to. It’s practical, and she tells herself she’s comfortable with this dark aesthetic.

In her present wardrobe, she’s a figurehead, often bound up in fabrics and dress designs that are a piece of history rather than cutting edge. The past literally clings to her skin that way, as if she’s from a bygone era with no place in the world outside. It’s very sad, but not what Hel is going for at all. It’s the sort of thing a more poetic observer might muse about her, but never something Hel would recognize on her own.

I think, as it is for a lot of DFAB figures in positions of power, fashion is as much a weapon of self-expression as it is a chain around Hel’s neck. There’s standards to be met, even if she can choose how to meet it. She’s bound herself up in the expectations of others as a public figure, making herself partially a work of art rather than a person who can speak certain opinions and desires. It’s a lot to unpack, honestly, as are most aspects of Hel’s self-expression.

[auclogistics]

Can I Shift Homes on My Own Without Packers And  Movers?

So thinking about moving? It's not a simple task! If you ask me, we would suggest getting help from experts by searching “Movers and Packers near me”. Shifting isn't easy. It takes a lot of muscle know-how. Sure, moving locally might seem doable. But shifting far? Now that's tough for an average person.

Once you get packers & movers, you're worry-free. Their team is super trained and makes everything stress-free. Honestly, using them is the easiest & best way to relocate. But if you're set on doing it alone, here's what you need to do for smooth moving.

House shifting services involve multiple tasks like:

Sorting stuff

Packing

Loading/unloading

Arranging

So hire packers & movers for a hassle-free move. Still want to go solo? Keep these things in mind:

Plan Ahead

When you hand over the job to Packers & Movers, they handle it all. On your own? It gets tricky. So plan early! Pre-planning makes work easier and smoother. Plus, since you're not a pro, you’ll need extra time for packing and moving.

Keep Enough Cash Handy

Nothing happens without money these days! Make sure you've got plenty for your move because every step costs something. Without a set budget, you'll face trouble. Maybe even big trouble!

Without top Door to door moving services in Oman, packing materials and labor will still cost you money. Think packing, loading, unloading, and hiring trucks—all need cash.

Pick the Right Time

Choose the perfect day & time carefully as it matters. Fixing this helps with timely packing & moving—don't end up during rainy seasons! With a planned schedule (two or three months ahead), you'll handle emergencies better too.

Settle on your new address

Before relocating find your new home first.  It's tricky how much time moving takes; having a place ready saves headaches later. If unbooked yet? Look online for houses on sale or rent before stressing out at the last minute!

Make an item List

Moving alone means making lists of what’s essential to carry along (not everything at home is useful). Better sort what's needed/what's outdated!! Pack room-wise so crucial things don’t get left behind—like giving old stuff to NGOs or selling it off quickly.

Don’t let a Rogue Mover Trick You

When it’s time to move, you’re trusting your stuff with folks you barely know. Keep yourself safe by spotting red flags & getting advice from friends and neighbors. Ask lots of questions to uncover hidden moving charges.

Even movers who play it straight might not tell you every cost unless you ask. Make sure you understand the full price by asking about fees for heavy items, repacking, stairs, or waiting around.

Make sure to Buy Enough Packing Materials

Before you dive into packing, gather all the packing materials. Boxes, tapes, bubble wraps, labels, markers–get them all ready beforehand. This will make sure your packing goes smoothly & safely. 

Choose good quality stuff; it helps keep your items, especially the fragile ones, well-protected. The boxes should be sturdy and come in different sizes to fit various things. And, hey, better to have some extras so you don't run out when you need them most.

Pack One Room at a Time for Best Results

Packing can get tricky; it's really important to do it carefully to keep your items safe. Try packing one room at a time. This way, you won't forget anything! Clearly label each box so it's easy to identify what’s inside and where it goes when you unpack. 

Handle delicate stuff with care by adding cushions or padding–this keeps them snug and safe during the move. It might seem like a small thing, but trust me, proper labeling can save you tons of time and effort later on. If boxes aren’t labeled well, finding essentials like towels, bed sheets or utensils will be a headache.

Do Your Confirmation Calls

As the date of your journey sneaks up, it's time to get those last-minute confirmation calls done. Seriously, this is super important. When you're moving without contacting packers and movers near me, all the responsibility falls on you. 

No risks allowed here. If something's off, you might need to change plans. Keeping in touch with these folks helps avoid surprises. Check on transportation and make sure your new place is good to go. Call everyone—landowners, truck drivers, agents—and confirm everything. 

Take Preventive Measures

Road trips can be unpredictable. Sometimes things just go haywire. Imagine getting stuck or having an accident—it's a nightmare that can delay everything. 

You might even spend the night in your car. Better safe than sorry, right? Pack enough food, water, meds, and extra clothes. Having these essentials makes dealing with unexpected hiccups a bit easier.

Find a Home in the New Location

Heading to a new place? You gotta find a home there first. If you've already set that up—awesome! If not, start hunting around early because finding a place in a new city can take some time. Jump online to look for homes for sale or rent. Don't forget to ask friends or colleagues for tips too! Agents can be really helpful in nailing down the perfect spot. Just remember to keep your basic needs and preferences in mind while searching.

Once you arrive at your new place, go ahead and unload everything. Then unpack and take a breather—seriously, catch your breath! After that, arrange your things however you like. When it comes to settling in, give yourself the gift of time to adjust. I'm pretty sure, with a little time, you'll start loving your new spot real soon!

Conclusion

Why stress yourself out when everyone takes help from experts by searching “Door to door moving services in Oman”. Contact AUC logistics, and relocate anywhere across the globe.  If you're short on time, you can always lean on close friends & to lend a hand. 

They'll make things easier, and it'll go faster. Just let them know how you'd like the items packed or ask for their tips if someone happens to be good at it. Sharing the workload definitely reduces the pressure & takes a load off your shoulders.

[-true-happiness-]

Final week of the month has ended, only a few more days of the 1st quarter of the year.

Soooooo, I have moved back in with my family as of Tuesday, March 26th. The room feels so cramped, mainly cause I haven't unpacked but honestly the stuff I have is too big for that space. Its going to be an adjustment getting comfortable with the arrangements but I am grateful. I will have a place to stay that will allow me to maximize my savings so I can make good on future plans - its just getting there at this point.

Recently my car has stopped functioning in a proper way, very very annoying. I started this year with detrimental car issues that I still have to pay for (by the end of April) so for another seperate issue to arise is upsetting to say the least. I am going to have it inspected in the morning, my hope is that it isn't anything major and I will be able to get it resolved easily but y'know time will tell.

My roommate will be moving back home, they haven't been there in years. I think it'll be good for them but there will definitely be an adjusting period not having them around everyday. In a lot ways I feel I am in the position I had started 2021 in. Back with my family, working 2 jobs to make it out the hole that moving out put me in.

My hope is the next time I move it'll be permanent, something more sustainable. I have been thinking of moving to North Carolina or Alexandria, VA. I want to see what NC is like before I move there so maaaaybe in the summer I can take a trip there to see, might be a cool update to add if that happens.

Overall, I feel this month went mostly well. Despite the numerous delays with work, disappointing living situation and recent car issues I have been feeling mainly optimistic about things. I hope I can get a head of things now that I will be primarily focused on myself and making my plans come true. I am behind on a lot things I feel, maybe less so mentally/emotionally (still stuff I need to sort through of course) its mostly financial and education that has taken a dip.

Looking forward to April, hopefully it isn't too bad 🤞🏾.

[the-kipsabian]

So. What I think about you. It’ll take some telling to get there. Might get a bit sappy but here goes nothing.

So I’m a pretty new fan of wrestling, less than a year of proper watching still. It was a bit of a spontaneous thing, a friend made watching another sport would post things, and eventually I decided to take a peek and see what all the fuss was about. And in the end, I really enjoyed what I saw. I could get into that, but it’s not exactly important to where I’m going with this.

I don’t remember exactly when I first saw Kip. It was after his feud with OC, but still close to new years. And I thought, geez this guy is neat. Had no idea what was going on with any of his past work, I just liked the way he moved, I guess. So I thought, let me dig a little deeper into this. Eventually I ended up at your blog, and let me tell you, you were a hell of a resource to this baby fan. I’ve always been a bit nervous about following new people (had some bad experiences in the past I’m not eager to repeat) so I think I sort of lurked a while before I actually hit that follow, probably by accident honestly.

So then was Kip and Penny’s trip to Japan, and this is where I got introduced to Chris Brookes, who I’m not sure I even have words for how fond I am of him now. So I very much attribute that to you, and I’m pretty thankful for the introduction to an absolute bastard giraffe man who I adore.

Eventually I got a bit more settled into my new interest, started posting a bit on tumblr, reblogging gifs and the like. And then, just like how I got into wrestling, another fairly distant mutual joked about being interested in what they were seeing. So we talked a bit, I recommended some of what got me interested, and I think in the end that got me a new friend. In a way, I can wrap that back around to you, too.

I see that you struggle a lot. Sometimes it’s with writing, or art. You still make cool things, and I’m pretty awed by that. I’m looking forward to what you’ll make next. I doodled a rabbit on the back of a shopping list today, for the first time in months. It felt like a little victory. I wonder sometimes if your writing, your art, feels like that too. I’ll still celebrate it as if it is.

I’m not really sure how to end this. I guess I just want to say, we aren’t exactly friends, or at least, I don’t feel I can claim that we are right now. But I do think about you, and root for you. And in myriad little ways, you’ve changed my life. That feels a little strange to write, but it’s not untrue. I suppose no one can really know what impact we have on anyone else. At any rate, I hope you’re doing well, I saw you were sick this week.

-🐓

first of all: CHICKEN ANON YOURE BACK HELLO!! its been a while i hope youre doing well! 💜

legit when i read this first thing in the morning, i fucking cried. just.. theres a lot to unpack here, i try not to ramble but this. something like this is literally why ive been keeping on posting everything i do despite occasionally feeling like theres no point to sharing anything. ive always been telling myself that i first do it for myself, and then share it in case theres someone somewhere down the line that might be looking for this content later

and to hear that there is even one (1) person literally like this out there, using my blog and the content i put out to familiarize themselves with my blorbo, im... like oh my god 💜💜

im really glad it has helped you make friends too 💜 and while i dont know who you are, i would consider us friends no matter what tho, especially after hearing this. so glad things like this have helped you to get more into the community, thats amazing! and to touch up on the art thing, yeah its hard at times to pick things up again after a long while of not doing anything - i literally wrote a drabble last night after not writing anything for a week and i havent even seen my drawing tablet in like two months now lmao - but im so happy to hear about your grocery list rabbit!! little doodles here and there are definitely better than nothing, especially if you enjoy doing them!

youre so precious anon, i hope youre having a good day. im still slightly sick, getting better now thankfully so i should be fully operational the next few days and oooooh when that happens its all over you fuckers when i get back to writing (this is affectionate i swear LMAO)

thank you, i love you 💜

[owl-with-a-pen]

(SO, Last night’s Doctor Who episode gave me some major inspiration. I decided to turn that inspiration into a quick fic that may be expanded upon ever so slightly in the future.)

SUMMARY: The Doctor has always hated endings. She shouldn’t be sad about it. She isn’t sad about it. No, instead, it gives her an idea.

After all, she isn’t bound by Time Lord laws anymore. And there’s one person she had always been meaning to save...

It’d been a long two decades.

Maybe not the longest two decades she’d ever lived, maybe not even close, but in the grand scheme of things, it had certainly felt longer than most.

All that time to think, and… what conclusions had she made?

Well, for starters, intergalactic prison food was terrible. All the nutrients required for a dozen or so assorted species packed into one solid brick of barely ingestible material. Honestly, she would have preferred to go without. But then it would’ve been harder to think. And she’d really needed to think.

Okay, what else?

Angela? Terrible neighbour. Literally the worst. Couldn’t get a wink in with her buzzing about. Plus, having Silent Bob next door had made thinking very difficult. Couldn’t focus on a single thing without it washing away the second she glanced in the wrong direction.

At least she’d been able to hold a conversation with the Ood.

Love an Ood. Even an ill-tempered one.

Doing it again, Doctor. She was missing the point. The big ol’ elephant in the room that she was getting particularly good at avoiding.

Had she seen any elephants in that prison? Bit odd. Odd as the Ood. Did they have something against elephants?

Focus.

Two decades. No closer. She was no closer to figuring out who she was, the identities that were hers and hers alone. That had been taken from her. Erased by higher forces just to keep her in check.

And it burned. Deep inside her chest, igniting both her hearts, making it difficult to breathe.

Or, maybe that was just prisons for you. Not like they made it easy for you to do anything. Although, she supposed breathing was pretty necessary to live out your sentence.

Seven thousand offences. She would’ve needed to breathe for a very long time.

She’d lost Ryan.

Lost Graham.

Her fam. Gone in an instant. Quicker than a blink, really. Faster than a Weeping…

“They’re not gone,” the Doctor said.

It was the first thing she’d said in a while. Out loud, at least. No one to talk to at the moment. 

The TARDIS rumbled affectionately beneath her hand, sending a calming pulse through her fingers as she continued to fiddle with various dials.

Well, maybe that wasn’t necessarily true.

The Doctor’s lips twitched. She ran her thumb along one of the TARDIS’s nodules, grinning when it flashed an encouraging blue. “Been a while since we talked, hasn’t it mate?”

Yaz was somewhere within the TARDIS. If the Doctor had wanted, she could have opened a psychic link with her ship, noted her exact coordinates. They could’ve talked, too.

Maybe the TARDIS was prodding her to do just that. Maybe she didn’t want to be prodded.

“Okay,” the Doctor relented. “They are gone. But, just from me. That’s not too shabby, now, is it? They’re safe. Ryan and Graham. Defenders of Planet Earth.” Her smile weakened. “Maybe Jack can push ‘em in the right direction. Didn’t wanna get too involved, thought it’d be best for them to find their footing on their own. Although, maybe a couple of calls wouldn’t hurt.”

The TARDIS made a soft whirr, a clanking groan following soon after from somewhere at her centre. The Doctor’s fingers clenched across the console. “Too soon? Maybe they need space.” She blinked. “Then again, we are already half a galaxy away.”

She felt the TARDIS’s thoughts probe gently against her mind. They weren’t thoughts in the predominately biological sense of the term. It was an impression of thought, really, like warm water tickling her brains. She knew what it meant, what it always meant.

And, distantly, the TARDIS procured something recent of hers. A fresh memory, still buzzing at the surface.

It’s okay to be sad.

The Doctor shuddered. “No, mate. Don’t play that game.”

The TARDIS groaned again.

“Why?” the Doctor asked, baring her teeth. “You know why. I’m not sad. How can I be? They’re off doing their own thing. They’re happy.” The last word travelled morosely around the room, punctuated by every metal wall it bounced across.

The Doctor reached restlessly for something to fiddle with, turning a gear that offered no further progression to their journey. They weren’t positioned for time travel right then, after all. Just space. Just… exploration. Idle movement. Something to do while Yaz caught her bearings.

She needed time. Plenty of that about on a time machine, after all. She’d be okay. Just needed some human comforts. Food and sleep – both of which the TARDIS was happy to provide to her in abundance. Maybe the Doctor should have gone to her.

It’s okay to be sad.

No. No, no, she wasn’t opening that one. It was silly, really, not something worth focusing on. Besides, there was so much more she needed to think about.

“Ten months,” she murmured. “Lots can change in ten months. Ten years. Ten decades. Ten…” She stopped, her mouth falling open. “Ten,” she repeated, a little surer of herself. Her lips twitched fondly. “Haven’t thought about you in a while, have I?”

She glanced up, narrowing her eyes. That was something to focus on. Something she quite liked, actually. No, even better. This was a plan.

And a plan meant she could think.

The Doctor skirted around the TARDIS, trailing her fingers along every bump and notch until she found what she was looking for. One of the data screens, reeling information about their current location. Nothing too fancy for the moment.

The Doctor grabbed at its handle, pulling it down towards her. Her mind was beginning to whir again, that familiar clank of gears not too dissimilar from her own ship’s. She caught the flash of her own eyes in the screen’s reflection, a ghostly image with a toothy grin, ready to enact a plan. The best plan.

“Y’know,” the Doctor said, engaging with her ship once again. “I used to play it safe, always so considerate that I had these set amount of lives. It was the Time Lord way.” She reached out blindly, wrapping her hand around a familiar lever. “But, it got me thinking. I’m not a Time Lord, am I? Actually, I don’t know what I am. But… time is still the same. Same rules apply. My rules, though?”

She caught something in her reflection. A darkness settling comfortably behind the shimmer of her eyes. She looked away, staring adamantly at her console. Her TARDIS.

“Ryan and Graham are safe. But I saved… I saved someone else. A long time ago. Too long ago.” She closed her eyes, gritting her teeth. A sharp pulse shot through the Doctor’s chest, teasing her hearts with a new fire.

She could do this.

“I saved her. But, that wasn’t enough,” the Doctor continued. “I could’ve done more. Could’ve…” She sucked in a breath, shaking her head. “But I can now, can’t I, mate? ‘Cos I’m not who I thought I was. I’m more. More than any of ‘em.” She clenched her free hand, lifting it towards her chest, feeling both hearts thrill inside. “Maybe I still don’t know everything. Maybe I’ve got a lot to learn. But, one thing I do know is that I have exactly what it takes to bring her back.”

The Doctor’s hand tightened firmly around the lever, pushing it down with a rattling thud.

“I got more lives than I ever thought possible,” she murmured. When she looked up at the screen again, she no longer saw her own eyes staring back at her. Instead, a new face took up every inch of visible space. Or, should she say, an old face.

River’s eyes, both old and young at the same time, stared back at the Doctor. An abundance of densely packed curls framing her face, a crease in her eyes as she grinned out from the photograph she’d given her a good century ago, at least. 

A face the Doctor hadn’t seen in so long. A face she ached to see again.

“Guess what?” the Doctor asked, bracing herself as the TARDIS shuddered into action. She grinned tightly, a power she hadn’t felt in quite some time resurfacing within her. “I’m gonna use one of them to save you.”

[sleeptowns]

first love, late spring: the autopsy report

some postmortem thoughts on conceptualizing, writing and editing the first half of my favourite project so far, partly for my own relationship with the "craft" and mostly bc writing this like a blu-ray bonus commentary was immense fun.

・・・・・・

in retrospect, it’s always a bit of a miracle every time i finish a fic.

it might not feel like it for a lot of them, but considering i’m a [spins wheel] kind of person in so many aspects, from writing to travelling to cooking, i sure have a lot of audacity falling headfirst into stories knowing full well that i don’t have a single clue where it will go until it’s all finished. i was very lucky with my 20-50k fics, especially since one of them was a dual narrative/parallel pov situation or whatever yours, mine, ours was. i was probably even luckier with the 70-80k ones, seeing as i was a broke college student in a new city acting like i can do something like a 27-year-old end-of-career actor justice. but to write 113k words’ worth of so many things i’ve never done before, with the same messy method of figuring it out as i go along — i don’t even know how that happened.

as it stands, i have neither a planning doc to look back on and unpack nor even a vague outline that i probably wouldn’t have listened to anyway. and that was all well and fine before; i’ve made peace with not having the kind of mind that knows to conceptualize arcs and secondary plotlines before i even write the thing. i know i work best when i let the characters do the heavy lifting for me as i’m writing: they tell me where something needs to go next, i listen, and if i listen long and hard enough, the one scene i initially wanted to write as a standalone becomes a much longer monster because it felt wrong for it to be anything else. and the kind of story that could not have possibly been anything but what it ended up as? that’s the writing i love best. it works out.

i am, however, trying to be a more mindful writer-person this year, and while there’s very little to be mindful about when the entire process has been seemingly mindless, it doesn’t mean i can’t at least try to look at this complete jigsaw puzzle i’ve ended up with by moving my eyes from one piece to another. will that tell me how i realized that so-and-so piece belonged in this spot? no. but will it inform what to look for in the angles and edges of a lone puzzle piece the next time i try to build a puzzle? i don’t know for sure, but it might, and possibility is a very hefty thing to have when you’re writing.

which, honestly, i’m only saying because i read matthew salesses saying a few months ago that “to become a better writer is to make conscious what may start out as unconscious.” and since it shook the very foundations of my self-pitying “i don’t feel comfortable claiming i’m a proper writer because everything i do is unconscious and i’m just fooling everyone into thinking i know what i’m doing because i know for a fact i do Not” mindset — this is me trying my best to move beyond the parameters of my chaotic writing non-process and reflect on how first love, late spring came to be what it is.

that said, i started this as a genuine attempt at being writerly about flls but then i got very uncomfortable and, looking at the end result now, it’s really more like one of those director’s commentary things that they include in the blu-ray, complete with division into small multiple parts and the writing equivalent of outtakes.

but this was still fun! and probably more valuable than not in the long run! so! here’s to making the unconscious conscious!

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01 | ROOTS & SEEDLINGS

i’ve had time to think about it, and i blame three things for first love, late spring.

① jay, who had to listen to my sleep deprived self break off in the middle of a spiel about restorative justice so i can wonder out loud what megumi would be like in a polisci class — and who somehow decided 5am was a good time to pitch a fun little joke of a college au where nanami is a philosophy prof and mahito is his unbearable teacher’s assistant

② jjk chapter 132.5, which caught me at a point of almost-breaking in the middle of the shibuya arc and soothed what it can with basketball player yuuji & turtleneck-clad, coffee-drinking, definitely-shops-at-muji megumi.

③ dash & lily, a netflix limited series from which i retained nothing except the song stay by gracie abrams. it played maybe once in the entire show yet haunted me for days after, looping could you hold me without any talking could you hold me without any talking could you hold me without any talking like some spell incantation.

a spell incantation that did its job frightfully well, because by the end of that weekend, i was at a bus stop in -13° furiously typing scraps of a scene into my google keep so it stops rattling around emptily in my brain:

Itadori’s eyes are wide when he opens the door, as if he hadn’t actually believed Megumi would be coming over.

He looks tired. Not in the sleepless way.

He stares blankly at the paper bag that Megumi has tucked under his arm.

He opens his mouth, but Megumi announces, "I have bath bombs."

"What?"

"My sister brings them to my place. I never use them. Here—pick one."

then two other scraps:

"We’ll get in the bath, then sleep. Okay?"

"We? Are you staying the night?"

"When have I ever not stayed the night?"

"Right, you’re the only one who always does." Itadori sounds absentminded. “But I mean—we’re not—tonight—"

"Why does that matter?” says Megumi. "I can take the couch. I’m not leaving you alone like this, Itadori."

That feels too honest, but it’s the right thing to say.

[…]

“Fushiguro?”

Megumi’s half-asleep already, but he shifts, makes sure Itadori slots better against him. Closer, more secure. "What is it?” he says, but it’s mostly a hum under his breath.

“Thank you.”

as with every time this kind of haunting happens, i felt immediately better after having gotten fragments out of my system. but also as with every time i listen to the need to manifest one of these, it finds a new way to follow me around. who are these people? why is yuuji coming over? what happened? why is megumi giving me “i will” by mitski energy here? what is their relationship, if they seem close & comfortable enough for yuuji to come over like this but still with enough hesitation that they can’t possibly be in an established relationship yet?

so then i started thinking about a scene that might come after the bits i wrote, and because i had a stray thought about what yuuji & toji’s dynamic might be like while i was in line at the grocery store, this is what came out:

When Megumi leaves his room, he finds his father sitting at the dining table — with Itadori.

“What,” he says.

“I met your boyfriend at the grocery store.”

“How do you even know what he looks like—“

“Oh, Tsumiki sent me a photo.”

Itadori waves at the collection of half-opened bags on the counter. “We just came here to split the groceries! I would have made too much if I was home anyway, so—”

which just complicated my question of what yuuji & megumi are even supposed to be in this world that my brain keeps trying to feed me. not boyfriends, definitely, but there are feelings and tried-and-tested intimacy there. fake boyfriends? friends with benefits? both?

the final, final straw was — because why not — a video on my fyp. a student living in tokyo was doing a series on their favourite restaurants nearby, and one of them had beautiful footage of a place called ukai toriyama. i looked it up out of curiosity for more, became enamoured with all the photos and videos i found, and thought, wow, this place would be nice for a wedding reception.

and because one plus one plus one plus one plus one equals five, i cracked under the weight of all the little things rattling around in my head, decided to hell with it, and sat down in front of a doc.

1.1k words later, the first scene of first love, late spring was set in stone, and the world it belonged to had me in the tightest chokehold that a story seedling idea has had in years.

only i would argue that this story wouldn’t be what it became without flls!yuuji being who he is, and that had to come a bit later, long after megumi had established what kind of world we were at first. because before yuuji, before haibara, before the scene and chapter that i think would define the structure of flls and what their relationship ultimately became about, i had to first go a few weeks back in time and figure out what megumi’s deal was.

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02 | THE SWEATER AND THE CUP

the thing is, though, i wish i knew why i wrote chapter 2 like i did, but i just really, really don’t. by this point, i hadn’t written anything in two years except news articles & the occasional personal essay, and i’d argue you can see some of the rust peeking in while i try to hash out what on earth is going on in this quarter-realized au. i was lucky that megumi’s perspective felt very natural for introspection, so i had a lot of space for exposition that was, to be honest, more for my purposes than any reader’s. my main objectives were to figure out what would have to happen to lead to the two fragments i had written out, and since i think i like to write based on one detail first, i latched onto how cold my room was at the time and started imagining scenes that feel similarly cold. i typed up a scene in a classroom at the top of an old campus building. that didn’t work after i shuffled through what i remember about the university of tokyo from writing 2 a.m. and realized i can see megumi going there but not yuuji. then i tried a scene at a party, but that wasn’t cold or winter-y enough; it was too much to start on, sensory-wise, and i knew i didn’t want the heat and lights of a party to be part of the ~aesthetic of a christmastime fic.

with that in mind, then, i tried something simpler: a cold apartment, the characters in it just barely starting their morning. and after i latched onto that and followed it a little farther, my head came back to me with a kind of cold that’s not just cold because it’s winter in the story and the floorboards are unheated and the windows are frosted — but cold because the bodily warmth is reserved for the space between night and morning, and this scene must then be a moment beyond that space. with a few more minutes of typing and twirling a pen while i talk to myself, this became: megumi out of bed, standing cold and not fully dressed in the middle of the bedroom; yuuji still cocooned, warm and half-asleep, in the middle of the bed; sunlight streaming in, steady and warm on the sheets, shining fully into the room and onto the bed but not directly on either one of them.

looking back, this is i think the first mention of light in the fic, and probably the precursor for all other mentions i write later on, whether consciously or not. if i am to pull out something deeper out of the intuitive stuff, i’d say that i put the sunlight in to maybe signal to myself that the warmth was there between them, literally and figuratively, but they’re not seeing each other in the light yet. which changes later on, when megumi sees yuuji waiting outside the subway station in the ✨ glow ✨ of the sunset, and again further on, once more a little differently, under the streetlights. but for now, to be completely honest, i also think i just decided to start with a sunlit room because it’s the easiest indication of morning coziness, and therefore the easiest thing to subvert and break.

so. visualizing sunlight in a bedroom means visualizing the rest of the room, and the laziest way to do that is to start from what’s already a given: the sunlight, the blinds, the bed, the wall, and then the floor, none of which has anything interesting about them worth jumping off on for the next paragraph — unless there’s something missing. the thought process went, probably word for word, a little like: “let’s say something’s missing. that would explain why megumi’s standing half-dressed. something of his must be missing, then. why is it missing? maybe he left it in the living room. maybe it’s under the bed. or maybe yuuji has a dog. a cat? what would its name be — oh, wait. sukuna is a thing. i don’t know what to do about sukuna.” as such, cat sukuna was unceremoniously born, and suddenly, not only was megumi’s sweater missing, it was also torn to shreds. because cat sukuna.

now i got megumi out of the bedroom and i needed him to do something, and while there’s intimacy in preparing coffee/tea for himself and yuuji, sure, that won’t really give the scene momentum. but i figured i could reuse the same logic i did with the missing sweater and this time add something that’s there when it shouldn't have been. and having a cup in a literal cupboard isn’t the most creative or shocking thing, i know, but because it had to be shocking to megumi somehow for it to be worth including — it was. it was, because (and i’m still so sorry about using you like this, yuko) it was for someone else, because it was permanence and invitation that wasn’t for him, and what more useful emotional beat is there to end a chapter’s opening scene on except tension over something mundane that wouldn’t be tension over something mundane if only megumi’s thoughts & feelings didn't work a certain way.

and when you’ve got direction like that, the thoughts and feelings themselves can start to find a place in the structure of the story. introspection is my favourite to write because it flows once i’ve justified including it; it’s comfortable and free and nice, and it forms the backbone of characterization while at the same time indulging thoughts i’ve had about canon. i’m guilty about starting nearly all of my pre-flls fics with shameless character-centric introspection, but because this wasn’t the case with flls (and continued to not be, for reasons i’ll get to later), wherein everything i wrote at the start was in medias res, i had to hotwire that justification into existing within the actual scenes instead of leading to them. not having introspection in the beginning, before the actual story begins, means i’m still in the middle of a scene during all of these blocks of introspection, and it had to make space for action somewhere. we had to return to the story somehow.

except, this made me realize soon after, there’s no story yet. there’s no spark that would make the tension from the cup boil over and let the actual story find its foothold.

luckily, though — bless her and whatever photo-taking technique she had that we never even got to see in full swing before she was gone too soon — nanako happened.

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03 | THE GOJO-GETO HOUSEHOLD

before there was a single cemented thing in this universe — minus maybe mahito giving eyeroll-edgy kinda nihilistic advice, but even he had to become a newsletter writer somewhere down the line — there was the ginormous network of people that megumi, at times grudgingly and resignedly, calls family. i knew this was going to be an everyone lives au, because what kind of college au would it be otherwise (and yeah, this at first included yuuji’s grandfather), and i went into it knowing that if nothing else, i wanted to write yuuji interacting with toji + megumi interacting with nanako & mimiko. (because why not. where else would i get the chance to explore those dynamics.) for the first one, i already had a scene fragment; i just had to get there. but for the second, it meant indulging in the concept of stsg raising the girls & the fushiguro siblings together, whether or not they were in a romantic relationship in this universe, and if i wanted to preserve at least a bit of the canon stsg backstory, it meant conceptualizing all the complications that would have led to even the well-established family we see in flls.

this would later turn out for the best, because stsg’s pseudo backstory running quietly under the main story formed the foundation for how i’ll characterize yuuji & megumi and their relationship. not because of the parallels, though there are those, but because even in the idyllic surface of being the product of a family instead of loss, megumi will still carry the burden of the kind of love he didn’t receive. which is not the same thing as not receiving love and care. he got that. he knows he got that. but as i hope i made a point to say in flls, receiving love broadly is not the same as having the kind of love you specifically need. and i don’t think that’s a point i would have been able to make if stsg weren’t there — if gojo wasn’t there to serve as a catalyst for megumi’s first decision to stay stubbornly brave for yuuji in ch 4, and if geto wasn’t there, in ch 6, to gently but firmly tear megumi apart.

but before all that, i just wrote the beginning of flls wanting to see a megumi that grew up with three sisters instead of one. i wanted monthly catch-up dinners at a ridiculously expensive 6LDK house near the university of tokyo, full of ridiculously expensive shit. i wanted the loud, chaotic household that i felt they deserved in this au. i wanted to see remnants of the dynamics they would have had as teenagers, from megumi being the sulking youngest to nanako being domineering and tsumiki being reasonable and mimiko being the healthy middle between them. i wanted a weary but affectionate geto. i wanted gojo that no one really sees as a guardian in this set-up but is somehow the person to benefit the most from having people in this gigantic house that he probably never would have bought thinking it will help raise four kids.

and so i tried writing a scene where all these dynamics collided like two trapeze artists that you think would crash against each other but doesn’t because this is a well-practiced routine and they all know each other very well, not because they were family from the beginning but because they’ve had time to learn to be a family altogether. but again (this is starting to become a running thing in this post, note to self), as with any indulgent choice, i had to justify its existence in the story somehow, to give it a place in the forward momentum of the plot. and so nanako’s social media came into the fray, and more and more people started entering the room as she confronts megumi, and the energy heightens — and at the center of it all is yuuji and a dating misunderstanding, and somehow boom, there we go, we finally have what the cool kids call an inciting incident.

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04 | FAKE DATING, I GUESS

i’m not a fan of billing flls as a fake dating story. like, that has to be a scam, right? they fake-date for about half a chapter at best. i’m genuinely sorry it was so blink-and-you’ll-miss-it, but the fruits of the trope were too central to what the first four chapters became for me to take it out — so there you go. fake dating it was, for like the three days before yuuji caved and confessed his heart out.

but. okay. i’ve had time to think about why i actually kept it and didn’t just find another way to play with what fwb tropes offered, and i think fake dating was only insofar useful to the story in how it didn’t do anything for them. i’m learning recently that there’s merit in that, too. in making a point, that is, out of a point that a trope can’t make for me. or whatever. what i’m trying to say is that — fake dating doesn’t change anything about yuuji & megumi’s dynamic, really. they kiss, they’re friends, they go on not-dates. and a younger me would have restarted and taken fake dating out altogether since it’s not introducing something new, but ultimately, i guess i kept fake dating because it reinforces what yuuji & megumi already are. what they already do. the level of ease and comfort they already have with each other. all these things they haven’t been honest to themselves about quite yet. haven’t been honest about it all meaning more.

and that’s all the use fake dating was, to be honest: bringing them both to a point of necessary realization. megumi alone at first, with asking for all of yuuji, with realizing no, he doesn’t want a fake relationship, and essentially just continuing the emotional beat that the cup started for him and will take us to a point of no return at the end of chapter 4.

but then i reached the end of chapter 2 and found myself wondering about yuuji’s side of things, about what he’s thinking, why he’s saying yes. i never intended for his pov to be in this story, and maybe flls would have been a lot shorter if it wasn’t, but i finished chapter 2 and immediately started writing the bistro breakfast scene in the beginning of chapter 3 and found a yuuji who sees his feelings for megumi with more directness if not clarity, with more understanding for nobara pointing out that he and megumi are pretty much just in a relationship at this point — which, i’d argue, is the first sign of all the contributing factors to how their relationship goes wrong. because of course nobara is right, and her being right means all of this is a convoluted mess, except yuuji is at this point the equivalent of someone getting home tired from work and finding his phone charger knotted and more nest than cable, but he’s so exhausted, and the charger still does its job as long as you plug each end to an outlet and to a phone, so why would you spend energy/emotional capacity you don’t have to untangle something that works tangled?

and that was the turning point for flls, i think. i only wrote a scene on the side to warm up, to feel more comfortable about writing yuuji — but instead i was left with a yuuji who feels so much, who had all these reasons for sleeping around just waiting for me to sink my teeth into, who already has a crush & maybe more on megumi, and man... how do you not give him his own chapter after that?

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05 | 胸がはち切れそうで

what even was flls before chapter 3 was a thing. i think a lot about what it could have become if this chapter isn’t how it turned out to be, but with the way things ended up, it’s the point where the whole story shifted on its axis and became something i never intended it to be.

i vividly remember taking a break after finishing the first attempt at the bistro breakfast scene and going on youtube; one of the recommendations was the therapy scene from fleabag, which is just one of those pieces of screenwriting that you can’t help but admire for everything it does in so little time. you can’t say the same for the therapy scene in flls, but there remains that the fleabag scene was the foundation for it, and, consequently, for yuuji’s entire arc in flls.

i also think a lot about how my younger self would have written this therapy scene much later in the fic. as a resolution of sorts, a guidance towards a happy ending. the same way i know i would have written something really loving and sappy for geto’s speech at the wedding. as it is, we don’t hear the speech at all, and the therapy scene comes in yuuji’s first chapter. it’s how we’re introduced to him, because the first and only thing we know about him otherwise is that a) he has no family, according to gojo, and b) that, based on what we can gather from the breakfast, his life is a little bit stuffed full and he’s maybe not doing the best.

with yuuji, there was no luxury of the same introspection that megumi has. i’ll deal with it later, in the chapter 5 switch to second person, but right now, yuuji doesn’t so much examine as he does just feel. and instead of the therapy scene becoming a resolution scene, it became exposition instead, with haibara doing the more analytical characterization that megumi at least gave me the space to do from within his head. in yuuji’s case, it had to be teased out, said out loud, a push-and-pull that painted, for me, at least initially, the picture of a boy who’s trying so hard to transcend his childhood and yet is very much a product of it.

but first, i had to decide who would be the therapist in this scenario, and because fleabag already gave me the prompt of having a therapy voucher (i did not google if those actually existed), the question became about who would give yuuji one. and since the first clear answer was nanami, it easily became: who would nanami trust with yuuji the way gojo entrusted him with yuuji in the light novel? who would he have had that conversation with? to whom would he have said “there is a boy whose feelings i want to be careful about, and i know you can do it”? and though there were other contenders before this, the only real answer had been haibara.

the dialogue for this scene came easily, in that i had a point of reference. at the time, i was in twelve-week therapy for something a lot more specific and not at all related to yuuji’s situation, but i found myself paying attention to my therapist’s pattern of guiding our sessions — the kind of questions she asks, when she asks them, how she asks them. the things she says to preface certain thoughts, the clarifications she asks of me.

apply this to how i imagine haibara’s sunniness would have mellowed out if he’d had the chance to become the kind, empathetic adult i like to think he would have been, plus throw in some thoughts about yuuji’s grandfather telling him to die surrounded by people in canon, and i had the bare bones of a conversation. a lot of the prompts there were narratively situational: what happens to a kid who had to watch his only family member left die alone, and be left, as a young teen, to live his life by himself? what coping mechanisms would have had to come out of that, and how do i connect that to the ways we see canon yuuji wrestle with his own thoughts and convictions in canon? and how do i justify the presence of yuuji’s pov in the story now? how does it connect back to megumi’s established arc in the previous chapter? does it?

it did, in the lack that yuuji was a product of, looping back to the loneliness that i realized megumi thinks about at length in chapter 2. i also didn’t want fwb tropes to be there only for the sake of fwb tropes; it wasn’t something i felt comfortable doing, and i was worried about ending up being indulgent when i don’t mean to. so i started thinking about why someone like yuuji, with already so much on his plate, would take the time to spend his nights with so many different people? what is the end goal?

i just wasn’t expecting that goal to be something as simple as being held.

flls came out of that therapy scene a changed story. if we stayed with megumi’s pov, it would have maybe been a lightweight story with, at best, an undercurrent of loneliness at its core — which is all fine, too, but i’ve written loneliness / homesickness / lonesomeness in a handful of different shapes before, and if this had been the case, flls would have been an abandoned wip, never to see the light of day.

but the haibara scene turned flls into something i’ve never tried writing before not only in having dual perspectives on the same relationship, but for that relationship and its dynamic to be the defining core of the story. on a very simplistic sense, we had a boy who keeps his world small and finds order in it that way, and we had another whose order is found in the big-ness he wants to maintain. loneliness is there, sure, but in different ways and only as catalysts to how they love each other — because they do, already, by this point. it’s been love, for a while, and love was itching to be the main focal point of flls. love, love languages, what it means, what it entails, how it can soothe in its smallest form and also harm in its biggest. i didn’t know that yet, in chapter 3, won’t know it until i go back to chapter 1 and realize i hinted at conflict between yuuji and megumi, but i also already knew that i wanted flls to be a relationship > character fic if i was gonna go through with it. and i figured if that meant taking a different angle on the romance than i previously have, then all the better.

the final nail in the coffin was the end of chapter 3, where i was exhausted writing a 20k+ chapter and thinking, “wow, it’s been such a long day, yuuji should have burst with something by now” — and then that became a serious thought, because it just hadn’t made sense, with canon yuuji’s tendency to blurt things out, for him to not react in some way to everything that’s happened that day. things have to come to a boil somehow, and for flls yuuji, that meant a confession.

a messy, unthought-out confession and easily the most fun & visceral of any i’ve ever written. up until flls, confessions were usually for the big, pre-climax moments after an entire story’s worth of romance, and for this reason, i’ve always kind of dreaded writing them. how do i make it fresh when we already know we want these people to be together? how do i make it a novel thing to hear, for the first time, that the person whose pov we didn’t get in the story feels the same way as the third-person narrator? maybe a “twist” moment like in 2 A.M. or the event in lie to make me like you?

but with yuuji in flls, it wasn’t going to be a surprise no matter what. we knew how he felt about megumi, we knew they would be together somehow prior to the wedding, whether on pretend terms or not, and i knew that the only reason this confession was going to be a thing is because yuuji’s had a long day and he’s done, so done, with not saying anything.

so we start small and specific, and we stay small and specific, with yuuji just realizing that love for him is wanting to hold someone and not just wanting to be held, that love is being home for another person instead of someone just being a second home for him on nights where his feels a little empty. in any other situation, the therapy scene would have prevented the pov character from confessing, from pursuing a relationship, but because it’s yuuji, his first instinct is to avoid the loneliness he felt briefly on the subway, when he realized he could just hide his feelings for megumi forever if he really wanted to, and so he blurts it all out. sweet (i hope), genuine and awkward. but also impulsive. rambling. unthinking.

in doing so, yuuji gave me a second inciting incident. one that feels more true to him. it’s equally reactionary as megumi responding to the screenshot situation, but there’s something to be said about how megumi was cornered by so many external elements into the spark that launches his arc in their relationship while yuuji blurts everything out from sheer urgency and exhaustion. which has roots in equally external factors, but the slight difference in their confessions will carry them through to the end — so, i suppose, from here on out in the story, we’ll always return to everything i unknowingly set up in chapter 3: the thoughts yuuji has in the breakfast scene, the truths pulled out of him in the therapy scene, the little things that come into play on the way to and at and after disneyland, and finally, what’s blurted out in the confession and how, why. the things they ask of each other, for each other. the things they want to do for each other.

(and it hurts my heart a little, i admit, to return to this chapter months later and see this same earnestness that will propel their story along, for better or for worse, and know it will have to end before they begin again.)

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06 | GOING BACK TO CHAPTER ONE

having cemented chapter 1 as a prologue of sorts, i had to go back to add yuuji’s perspective now that he, apparently, was going to have it in this fic. it felt safe to give him a scene with nanami in parallel to megumi’s with toji; it wasn’t my conscious intention to have these scenes end up being reflections of how they handle emotions as a result of what was maybe lacking in their childhoods, and it was just lucky that these two scenes will serve as a decent jumping off point for what i’ll decide to do when writing chapters 5 and 6.

looking back, too, the first scene stuck without a concrete plan because it had the bare parts of a full story: exposition with megumi’s family, a little hint at action with toji asking after yuuji, and, for reasons i can’t remember the root of now, also a show of conflict. i knew i wanted a christmas eve fight, and maybe dash & lily is to blame for that, too, but maybe i was also just itching to write a ~fight because it’s not something i’ve ever done before and i was pretty set on flls being the fic where i just keep throwing in things i haven’t tried with any previous pairings.

i also knew i had to set up nanami & yuuji’s relationship somehow if i was going to justify the therapy voucher in chapter 3, and the scene wrote itself with that in mind. i knew we were going to be somewhere inside since the megumi scene before it was outdoors and i don’t like staying in one place for too long, but everything else was all the tenderness intrinsic to nanami & yuuji’s dynamic rearing its head. that, and a few on-the-nose elements scattered around to set the scene for yuuji’s life — hot chocolate & fresh bread for warmth, yes, but also to show that he’s a regular visitor to nanami’s apartment; snow out the window because it’s Winter™ and we’re feeling a lil’ wistful; the hammer in the head paternal-ness of a guardian figure teaching you how to knot your tie. all things that yuuji didn’t have at a certain point in his life — or, more accurately, all things that yuuji lost and regained only years later. again, in the back of my mind, i was thinking, what does that kind of loss do to someone at that age? for what are we if not a series of responses and reactions to the things that happen to us? and i was thinking, too, that the opposite of love isn’t hate, is it? it must be loss. it must be lack.

i realized halfway that these thoughts echo something i wrote into megumi’s first chapter. and so i packed them away to think about later, letting only some of it bleed into the wistfulness that colors the warmth in yuuji & nanami’s first scene together. when i write chapter 5, i would joke to myself that it’s a “boil until tender” kind of recipe, but in retrospect, yuuji’s entire character is a slow boil. he was strangely mysterious to me, even as i was writing him; we know his trauma, we know his days are busy and overwhelming, but i felt that he could be more reactionary. he needs more momentum. not just for the story, which he accomplished when he confessed, and not just for megumi’s arc, which shows itself in his response to yuuji and yuuji’s problems, but for his own self, too. the haibara scene is only scratching the surface of who and what yuuji is, and the worst of it is still under getting ready to boil and bubble. and not just in the form of a panic attack in chapter 4, but something else. something bigger.

which had me looking back again to life and identity as a series of reactions and how the opposite of love is loss and lack — and that equalled to: isn’t the way we love also, by extension, a reaction? to what, though? to how we were loved? to how we weren’t loved? both. it’s both. and that brought up a lot of questions, all rooted in chapter 1: we see megumi and yuuji around father figures that care for them in their own ways, and one would argue they’re well-adjusted in the face of being loved — but are they? what would they fight about, then? sure, there’s megumi’s jealousy over ozawa but that’s too shallow. too cheap. megumi would never distrust yuuji like that. where would their differences lie, then? their love languages? their contrasting worldviews and life schedules? furthermore, why aren’t they in a relationship yet? why is yuuji only confessing now? neither of them are fumbling teenagers about the intimacy of their relationship, and yuuji was fairly clear in not expecting anything out of megumi. why is that? why is he leaving that space? insecurity? no. too easy an answer.

as it turns out, i didn’t finalize a single answer about any of these. not until chapter 5 and 6. but i knew, after having written yuuji’s perspective into chapter 1 and seeing it side-by-side with megumi’s, that their relationship can’t continue being fake with all the variables we have by the end of chapter 3. not with yuuji’s confession, not with the fight that i’m letting myself keep for no other reason than writing an argument would be thrilling, and not with the tension that won’t be solved just because they start dating. problems don’t end just because a couple is together. if anything, new issues to consider crop up once you put a label on it. it shifts the dynamic that’s there, and that will always come with its growing pains. any evolving relationship comes with growing pains. the matter here is figuring out what those growing pains look like for yuuji & megumi.

so first, i had to throw them into a real relationship.

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07 | DONBURI ON THE TRACKS

chapter 4 is so chaotic under the surface that it haunts me. this doesn’t mean i don’t like it, or that i’ll do it differently. i’d maybe argue that it was a necessary chaos, or at least that it was chaotic because it’s doing a lot in much less space than yuuji’s chapters do. there’s no moving from shibuya to kichijoji to work to disneyland to back home. there’s no takada & nobara to haibara to ozawa. it’s just megumi propelled along a thought process by nobara and into action by toji, from one evening to the day after.

with that, i’d maybe call it a bridging chapter? when i first started flls for real, i gave myself seven chapters to sort of act as guiding parameters — three chapters for them each, on top of the prologue — and opened up a blank doc. there’s no rhyme or reason for that count of seven; i guess i hadn’t expected each chapter to be around 20k words long, and even less that yuuji would be confessing by chapter 3. but it made sense, if there was gonna be a fight. it gave me enough space to bring their relationship through a healthy amount of conflict to get to the meat of the ~themes i wanted to write about, while giving an indulgently happy epilogue at the end.

(okay, clearly, these plans changed, but that was the reasoning at the time 😅)

i had a good chunk of chapter 4 vaguely mapped out somewhere in my head by the time i actually sat down to write it in full, but while i knew this chapter would have the first two scenes i wrote before flls was even flls, i still had to tweak them to fit the aftermath of the unexpected confession. i have a better idea who these characters are this time (not as much as i will yet, i think, because that part will come in chapter 5 and 6 each; we pretty much only have the foundations by this point), but i figured there was no point in keeping the story going if we don’t also get to know the characters even more as the story unfolds. the plot needs momentum, sure, i see that as i write this, but even now, that is only as valuable to me as how much that momentum parallels or, better yet, takes along the characters themselves. there has to be more layers to be peeled back; there has to be more to yuuji and megumi that we’ll only get to see eye-to-eye with in the later chapters.

the way i view it, plot or trope or twist shouldn’t ever be alone in being that. they should only be a thing in service or in response to a character being the way they are. this isn’t always the case, of course — but it’s the way i prefer to write. i’m heavily biased towards character-first writing, is what i’m realizing as i type this, which i honestly don’t see changing any time soon. characterization is a hefty chunk of the fun of writing for me. i love writing because i love my characters. even when they do questionable shit like fail to examine themselves before asking out the fake boyfriend they’ve been seeing for like five months now.

but alright. let’s backtrack. back to plot bowing down to character. the only way i could justify throwing yuuji & megumi into a relationship is if characterization necessitated it, and the only way i could justify keeping those two original scenes in some form is if they serve the plot. so: scenes are worth keeping if they are in service of plot momentum, and plot momentum is only what it is because of character, and character informs what the scenes look like, etc. i’ve always preferred thinking of writing as a circular diagram feeding off each other in turn, not a line graph. it has to be a juggling act, though not a complicated one. there’s a point where it feels right, and i think that’s what i mean about chapter 4 being necessary chaos. it’s the chapter where everything — almost audibly — clicks in place for the momentum of the rest of the story. it’s where everything kind of wisps up towards the top without surfacing quite yet. going off the juggling metaphor, chapter 2 and 3 were one ball each thrown into the mix. chapter 4 is the third ball, is the first time all the balls in the act are at play.

as an aside, i think it feels that way for their dynamic, too. writing their relationship from yuuji’s perspective always felt like a balancing act — because he had so many things going on, yeah, but also because all these precarious elements that shift with the evolution of their relationship are so much more apparent on his side. that isn’t to put the blame on yuuji for what happens in chapter 6. i was very stubborn about making sure yuuji isn’t portrayed as helpless because of all the shit he had going on in this fic. if anything, it’s him taking charge of himself and his understanding of how he’s doing that centres the fic into what it is.

and that was one of the main things i had to ensure this chapter. that his panic attack still feels like him, and not someone desperately in need of megumi’s help. i want him to be full of agency and strength here, something that i also had megumi reinforce in the end of the panic attack scene. it also would have been easy to make this subversion about “it’s okay to ask for help” — because it is, but that would have been too simple for this fic’s purposes. yuuji knows it’s okay to ask for help. he doesn’t always feel like he deserves it, but he knows he has received help from many of his loved ones and is very appreciative of all of it. he just works a little too hard to give it back tenfold. so, here, i wanted to frame megumi as someone that yuuji explicitly knows he shouldn’t ask help from. and, with that, megumi as someone who’s only one name in an entire list of people yuuji can ask.

and i wanted to bookend that with yuuji putting some distance between them after the confession. he doesn’t know why yet (and neither did i at this point, to be honest, haha) but the confession isn’t quite right with its timing. but then he has a rough night, everything feels like it’s piling up, and there’s really one person he wants to see. not to sleep with (and i imagine yuuji’s heart sinks for a bit when megumi offers to take him home, at least until he realizes megumi intends to just look after him and nothing else) but just to see, whatever that would mean. he just wants to be with megumi. he just wants megumi to be there.

and megumi is there, except he’s also battling with the sheer panic of having to be there for a person he cares about so much. i don’t think we acknowledge enough how difficult it is to be there for someone going through a hard time — how lost and helpless that renders even the person helping, and how tripled that might be for someone who sees the world and wants to find order in it like megumi does. and i took the chance to form megumi’s idea of strength and weakness through gojo and his implied backstory with geto, something that megumi might actually romanticize a little without even knowing. you can’t singlehandedly help someone, no matter how much you love them. there’s hubris, in thinking you can. there’s self-destructiveness, in that hubris. megumi is so focused on bravery, on strength, that he leaves yuuji in the bath alone, regulating his breathing for himself. he cooks for yuuji, cares for him in his own way, yet he doesn’t even realize yuuji might want to be in the bath with him. that he doesn’t care about his spilled food anymore. he’s done this before. this time, megumi’s presence is the difference, yet he doesn’t truly get it until they sleep — at which point he holds on tight and only falls into peace then.

that’s another thing i wanted to keep track of, in writing this chapter. that being overwhelmed to the point of cracking is a tried and tested routine for yuuji, that his panic attack wouldn’t be anything dramatic and intense. his breaking point was something so simple and mundane, just that spilled takeout onto the train tracks, but it’s enough to push him over the edge. and i think that captures the feeling of being too full for what life keeps giving, more so than any big trigger. more often, it’s the sudden last straws. a laptop crashing before you can save your work, even though there is such a thing as recovery and backup. biting your tongue in the middle of a sentence and finding yourself tearing up because you’re suddenly so fed up with the world. it’s that over-inflated lump in your throat. the heat behind your eyes that prickles more than it floods. and that’s what i wanted yuuji’s panic attack to look like. something almost resigned, because, again, this isn’t the first time. he knows he’ll get through it. but he’s just so, so tired and wants to be held. held by no one else but megumi.

megumi, who’s still reeling from his conversation with nobara at the top of chapter 4. i maintain that this fic doesn’t have enough nobara (part of it is that i was sure i was gonna be able to write a nobamaki storyline on the side, of which you can see hints peppered throughout), but i’m glad that the scenes of her that are there are very definitive. i always think that nobara is in such a difficult position in any version of itafushi, including their canon selves; she has so much insight to who the boys are in themselves, which you can really see in how she talks and thinks of yuuji and how she deciphers megumi, and while i’m frustrated that i had to relegate her to a Dispenser of Insight and Wisdom role in flls, it also had to be her. it had to be her to squeeze yuuji’s hand at the breakfast bistro. it had to be her, later, to have the pre-wedding talk with megumi. and it had to be her, this time, bumping into megumi at work and forcing him to sit down (literally) and think about how he sees yuuji.

this scene also serves as a breather — as close to one, at least, as flls gives. it’s an interlude, almost. a break right in the middle of the fic. it’s meant to recentre megumi, though that doesn’t really work when the chapter ends with him asking yuuji out.

but — again. scene, plot, character, all intertwined. they have to be in a relationship for plot purposes, but the panic attack scenes ensure that megumi’s characterization is pushed into the only decision that makes sense for him after that. which is, circling back, to ask yuuji to date him. i know a decision has clicked into the right place when it feels final, when it doesn’t feel like i’m forcing anything into being what it is. or, best case scenario, when it feels like the only way this could have gone.

i think the ending to chapter 4 is, unfortunately, the only way it could have gone. it would come back to bite them, hard and painful, but it made sense with their psyches the way they are in that moment. it’s the start of the end, this chapter’s ending, but it’s still a start at that, and i think, when you love someone as much those two did, that matters a hell lot more than anything else.

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08 | LOVE LANGUAGE INTERLUDE

do i like toji in canon? i do. i think he’s a great character in terms of his place in the narrative. do i think he’s redeemable as a father? in complete honesty — i don’t know. my answer changes every day. but i know that while there are plenty of fictional fathers that i strictly, coldly don’t want to entertain the idea of redemption or empathy or understanding for, out of stubborn very personal bias, toji is definitely not one of them. if only when it comes to him, i detest the idea of thinking there are easy answers. this doesn’t mean there is no right or wrong answer, just that whatever the final answer might be, there will be plenty of factors that go into it.

but i was very generous to him in flls. that much is for sure, from the prologue to chapter 4 to everything else that came after. even i was surprised with the nuance he ended up containing, if only insofar as a foil to flls!gojo in megumi’s life. i think he’s a fucked up man in canon, and i think he did and would have made a fucked up father no matter how good the intentions, a fact that i promise i state gently, but i also think that can coexist with him being a fucked up product of his fucked up upbringing. does that excuse or justify or redeem him for anything? no, but and outside of canon and in the indulgence of flls, which semi-started for the indulgent reason that i want to see what an exchange between yuuji & toji would be like, this did give me themes to hone in on in examining love and how we learn to love as we grow up.

because i feel like — there’s been a lot of talk about how understanding your partner(s)’s love languages is key in a relationship. but then, going back to the way we love as a reaction to how we’ve been or haven’t been loved, isn’t your love language — at least for some people — just a reflection of the love you lack(ed)? i don’t know how true this is on a broad sense, of course, but it certainly was for flls yuuji and megumi. and it’s where i was able to justify writing megumi into the family networks that i did. writing about gojo and toji as his parental figures was one of my favourite parts of writing flls, but i’ll get to that in chapter 6.

for now, i was heading into chapter 5 knowing that there was going to be a fight at the end of it. and that if i was going to go into it assuming that love languages are a product of what was lacking in childhood, the focus is going to be on the friction between where yuuji & megumi differ on that front. except these are things we already know, even if subconsciously. their differences are things we know from canon, things we can tell from these first four chapters. so how do i shift this understanding a little bit so it lands a little harsher, digs a little deeper to the point that it’s almost uncomfortable? where it would make sense when they fight at the end of chapter 5?

i knew it was going to take a while to find an answer, so i decided to post the first four chapters in one go for megumi’s birthday and sit on it so i can get to a distance where i’ll (hopefully) be able to reevaluate where i should take the rest of it. i have a soft spot for this fic that i don’t often have for my work, and i was so attached to the world that i didn’t want to stop writing it, but i also knew it remained true that i wrote 49k in around three weeks and just. didn’t look back. so i was anticipating a lot of loose unintended threads that i’d have to tie up in the remaining three chapters, and i didn’t trust myself to see all of them until i’ve had some time away from the story.

the break lasted a month, and it admittedly left me rusty and frustrated. returning to flls to write chapter 5 resulted in 12k words’ worth of deleted scenes — but a necessary 12k, i maintain, because eventually, my divine solution came in a moment of remembering that flls is free playground real estate and i can try even things that a lazier me swore once i wouldn’t try. and to this day, i still think i couldn’t have done that chapter in a way that i would have allowed to be published if i hadn’t thought to throw everything to the wind and try second person. it unclogged whatever needed to be cleaned out of the way — and set me down the path for the second cour of the story.

・・・・・・

note: this is all i've had sitting in my drive since march, but i do cover the latter half + some kind of we in a separate roundup post. 

[sewersewersewercouch]

So the Robert Manion situation.

I’m not going to get into exactly what happened here because it could be triggering to people and I don’t want to explain it wrong by accident, but it’s on Robert’s Instagram story. If you don’t have Instagram, it’s basically all over the tag for him on tumblr as well. Im feeling a lot of things that I don’t really want to unpack right now, and I honestly don’t know how to proceed in this fandom, so all I can offer here are a few PSAs. A lot of this is just kind of parroting what I’ve heard around the fandom, and if you think I said anything wrong here, you can absolutely let me know and I will do my best to fix it.

This goes without saying, but don’t defend what he did. It was shitty and wrong. I can 100% understand the want to hope for the best, but there’s no sugarcoating this.

You might have complicated feelings and that’s ok. Other people might feel differently and that’s ok too.

That being said, this isn’t really about you, or me, or anyone except the people directly involved. Nobody owes us, as a fandom, anything. These are people who most of us don’t know personally, and it’s none of our business except for what people decide to share.

I know everyone else has said this, but do not under any circumstances bother other Starkids and Starkid-adjacent folks about this, ESPECIALLY the person Robert tagged. Like I said before, this is not our business and nobody owes us shit.

Also, don’t bother fellow fans to talk about it if they haven’t or don’t want to. It’s a VERY sensitive thing and I can understand why it would make people uncomfortable.

Don’t speculate. I’ve seen a lot of posts talking about why they think Robert came forward now, or why the person hasn’t talked about it, and while I know you have good intentions, this isn’t some fucking hexagon puzzle. These aren’t characters in a musical. These are real people who are online and could potentially see this.

Speaking of characters, if you still like Ethan or hidgens or whoever, you’re not bad for liking them. They aren’t Robert, even if they were played by him.

You’re also not bad for having liked Robert in the past. You couldn’t have known about it. Still, though, do be aware of your personal biases when posting about it. I, for one, really did like him and look up to him, especially as a bi person and an aspiring actor, and I know that that could affect the way I think about this.

If you didn’t like Robert in the past that’s all well and good, but for the love of god, please don’t post shit about “well I always got a bad vibe blah blah blah.” You’re not better than people who were fans of him just because you weren’t. This isn’t your chance to morally one-up other people.

If you’re talking about what happened in detail, please make sure to use proper tags. If you’re not sure if/how to tag something, you can always put an “ask to tag.”

Just…be kind to each other, please. We don’t know the full story, we don’t know what Team Starkid is going to do, if Robert is going to be in nightmare time or future projects, and the only actions we can control are our own. Just do what you can to support the people who need it, step back if you need tp, and remember that there are real, human people seeing what you post.

[misplacedgamer]

MHA Chapter 320: DvK3, the Initial Deku/Kacchan Fallout, and Friendship

!!SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 319 , FYI!!

So it looks like we are in fact getting an upgraded version of DvK3 next chapter (Deku vs the Dekubowl, very nice~). Assuming Aizawa is not hiding somewhere where Deku can't see and they are actually going to duke it out, here's a theory on what's going to play out thematically during the fight (spoilers: it involves baby Deku/Kacchan feels and crippling inferiority complexes).

First off, I've always been a little suspicious of how exactly Deku and Bakugo stopped being friends. The justification we're given in the manga is that Bakugo was so PO'd at Deku for acting like a hero, despite not having a quirk and despite Bakugo not even being hurt that he fell in the river, that he just up and rage quit their friendship. Chronologically, if I'm remembering it right, the next time we see Deku and Bakugo together is when Deku's watching him beat up some fourth graders.

But honestly, that does not make any sense to me. Deku, just like Bakugo, has always been a stubborn little shit, so if Bakugo just stopped talking to him, there's no way Deku would just go along with it. He'd definitely try to fix things, which we haven't seen yet. Also, next time we see them together, Deku knows to hide while he's watching Bakugo, so he's either been severely warned or already been caught once.

Also, what kind of four year old already has an inferior superiority complex that high? If they were late grade school age I'd buy it way more, but four year olds don't hold grudges like that. This one is probably just an exaggeration for the story though, and I do not want to open the can of worms that is Mitsuki Bakugo, so I'll just move on from it

Secondly, most of Bakugo and Deku's significant moments in the manga have had flashbacks. Both DvKs and the fight with All Might had a flashback to them as babies, and Bakugo's self sacrifice was preceded by an extended training flashback where Bakugo semi opens up about his feelings towards Deku. Hell, even the BKDK movie itself Heroes Rising had flashbacks to baby Kacchan while Deku was narrating why Bakugo deserved OFA. So basically, whenever there is a super emotional moment (which I'm sure the Dekubrawl is going to be), we tend to get baby flashbacks

Third, this chapter is a parallel to Deku's situation in the first few chapters of the manga. Starting out, Deku had no friends (not even Bakugo). No one wanted him around, but more than that no one ever took him seriously. The only person in the first chapter that we see give Deku any kind of encouragement (except for All Might) was a random passerby on the street who didn't know a thing about him. Butmnow Deku has a whole class full of friends who not only respect him, but love him enough to chase him down and save him from himself, and leading that charge is the very boy who one year ago was so afraid of being weak that he tormented his quirkless childhood friend.

Deku is also in a very similar spot that Bakugo was in the first chapter: riddled with self doubt and anxiety. Deku is pushing everyone that actually gives a damn away the same as Bakugo, only reinforced with the knowledge that a lot of his friends almost died (which Deku absolutely blames himself for). Now it's Bakugo's turn to rescue Deku.

So here's where I'm going with this: I think we're going to see the Deku/Kacchan fallout interwoven throughout this next fight, however many chapters it takes. These chapters are going to focus on how far Deku has really come, and how foolish he'd be to throw it all away now, and its going to have the Deku/Kacchan "breakup" as the counterpoint parallel. I think we'll also see some parallels with the sludge monster attack, and I'm hoping Bakugo gets to pull the "you looked like you could use saving" reverse card, I would die.

Alternatively, we will get a proper DvK3 after this fight and some simmer (kind of like how we had to wait until after the provisional license exam to unpack the events of Bakugo's kidnapping), and we'll see all of this then.

Or I'm reading way too much into this and this is a battle shonen, not a drama manga for talking xD

[miekasa]

Headcannons for the kinda style/fashion sense Levi and Eren would have in Modern AU??

EREN

I am once again going to push my Eren lowkey hypebeast agenda because you asked. 

Honestly his general clothing style isn’t anything too extraordinary. He wears jeans most days, sometimes sweatpants and track pants. Never slacks or chinos unless he’s specifically dressing up to go somewhere. 

I think he’d have a pretty damn big collection of sweaters and hoodies honestly. Like... an extensive collection. He shouldn’t need to buy anymore, but he does. I think he’d also wear a lot of crewnecks. 

They’re not always plain though! I think he’d be a box logo kind of guy, maybe something with a design/reference to a show he likes, and probably a few that are plain on the front, but have lettering or a drawing on the back. 

Maybe a little bit of logomania on a few items, but it’s his not his whole outfit, and really only ever once in a blue moon. Expensive things he got on sale or from a reseller for cheap, that he wears because he has, you know. 

You know those half/faux collar things that make it look like you’re wearing a button down under your crewneck, without actually having to wear one? Yeah, whenever Eren discovers that, he’s all about it and suddenly feels all put together and like a real adult LOLOL

He also has a pretty big sneaker collection, and he is a little obsessed with collecting them. I think he’d wear a lot of high-tops, and definitely have one or two pairs of shoes that need to be thrown are but are just so damn comfortable he can’t let them go. 

I could see him having a lot of oversized t-shirts. He’s definitely the kind of guy that has 74485245 white t-shirts in his closet (“They go with everything!”)

He thinks fanny packs are stupid before he actually buys one, and then he acts like he invented them. “Babe, I don’t even have to put my phone in my pocket, look it fits in here! With my keys! I even have the lip balm you gave me--is this why you always have a bag??” 

I think he’d look good with a few rings... I think you’d have to buy them for him first... convince him... build your perfect choker you know 😌

He mostly just wants to be comfortable, but if you wanted him to try out a specific style, he’d do it for you. He can’t promise to like it, but who knows it might grow on him over time. 

He might have a lot of hats (beanies, bucket hats); not that he wears them super often, but he keeps buying them. For safe keeping, he claims. (It’s because he’s an irresponsible spender but we don’t have to unpack all of that). 

LEVI

I feel like business casual is a good way to describe his every day style. 

Not necessarily wearing a suit and/or blazer every day, but he definitely looks smart, tidy, and put together. Slacks and/or chinos, maybe a button down if he feels like ironing the day before, or maybe just a nice sweater or turtleneck. 

He owns jeans, too, like any normal person, but they’re all pretty plain, and never, ever ripped. I also think he would prefer dark washed jeans over light washed or acid washed. And they’re not really skinny jeans either; they’re tapered, but not skin tight. They’re comfortable. 

He would like blazers, though. They might not be an every day occurrence, but he definitely has more than a few. He’s pretty good at styling them, too. I would pay to see him style the oversized blazer trend, but I don’t really think it’s something he would lean towards himself... unfortunately... but he would look so cute omg. 

Chelsea boots oh my god. But also sneakers! I think he’d have at least one good pair of running shoes, and maybe one or two pairs he wears casually. Like air maxes. I think he’d like those. 

He has his casual days, though. When he’s not working or doing whatever he does regularly, he has sweatpants. I actually think he’s a sweatpants and big t-shirt around the house kind of guy. 

On that note, I think he’d run errands in a matching sweatsuit. Not a matching tracksuit -- that would be resident wanna be cool golf dad, Erwin Smith -- but matching sweatpants and crewneck sets. Wears it with his fancy sneakers. Sometimes a pea coat if he’s trying to be extra stylish. 

I don’t see him as a hat kind of guy. If it’s cold, he would either suck it up, or just wear a jacket with a hood. You buy him one of those hats with the pompom on top during the winter and he claims he looks like a child, but you always catch him wearing it when it’s snowing anyway. 

He would accessorize pretty well, but also in subtle ways. Like coordinating his scarf and belt to his outfit, making sure his cufflinks go with his clothes, a proper tie. I don’t know that he’d have a lot of jewelry, but maybe a few daintier necklaces or chains. Maybe one or two rings.

[arvinsescape]

Time and Space pt2

A/N: So i was never gonna write a part 2 but so many people wanted one that i did! I will not be writing a part 3! I am happy with where i have left it and i hope you all enjoy. Part one can be found here.

Warnings: Swearing.

W/C: 2.1K

Tom missed her, he really did. He’d not spoken to her for two months but it didn’t stop him thinking about her. The thing that hurt the most was realising his own actions and how he treated her for weeks and how he’d not noticed her changes. He knew Harrison still spoke to her so he knew she was okay. He wondered if she missed him as much as he missed her but when he was honest with himself he realised that there was no way she could have done.

What was there to miss? Sharing a bed where he didn’t cuddle her? Being with him when he hardly spoke to her? Loving him with all she had for him not to notice when she wasn’t alright anymore? He’d fucked up and he knew he had and he knew deep down she wouldn’t come back so soon. He’d respected her wishes and not contacted her, waiting for her to contact him. He started to wonder if she ever would, Harrison had said she would when she was ready but Tom wasn’t so sure anymore.

The day she’d left had been hard, he’d cried for hours, stuffed his face into one of her hoodies she’d left, he slept with that hoody every night, when Harrison had moved all her stuff into her new flat Tom couldn’t part with it, told Harrison he didn’t know where it was. Harrison knew he was bullshitting but went with it anyway, Harrison was truly heartbroken for his friend, none of them had expected her to be gone when they came home that day.

“Reckon they’ll have worked it out by now?” Harry said as they pulled into the drive.

“Those two? Yeah, I would have thought so, they’re endgame.” Tuwaine said and Harrison sighed when he saw her car was gone.

“I don’t think so.” He said as he turned the engine off and climbed out of the car. He pulled his phone out and sent her a text asking if she was alright and if she needed anything.

“Do you think Tom’ll be okay?” Tuwaine said and Harry sighed.

“No, I really don’t.” Harry said as he made his way into the house expecting to hear his brother’s cries, they were all shocked when they heard nothing. “I’ll go and see if he’s okay.” Harry said as he made his way into his brother’s room carefully. Tom was in there, clutching onto a hoody she’d worn the other day.

“She left me.” Tom said, catching Harry off guard, his voice sounded tired, like he had nothing left. His voice hoarse, evidence he’d been crying and Harry sighed.

“She might come back.” Harry said.

“No, I don’t think she will.” Tom whispered. “I think I’ve fucked up too much.” Tom said again and Harry’s heart broke.

“Do you need anything?” Harry asked from the bedroom door.

“No, I just wanna be on my own mate.” Tom said, he sounded so tired and defeated, the heartbreak was so evident that Harry knew there was nothing he could do.

“Okay, if you need anything I’m downstairs.” Harry said as he shut the door and made his way downstairs, Harrison and Tuwaine waiting for him as he took a seat on the sofa and ran a hand through his hair.

“He okay?” Harrison asked.

“No, he’s not. She left him.”

“Shit, I mean I can’t say I blame her. I feel for him I really fucking do but the last few weeks have been a mess.” Tuwaine said.

“I just don’t know what happened. They were so happy and then the last few weeks have just been awful. I don’t know how he missed it.” Harrison said.

“He gets to lost in his own head. I’m not making excuses for him but he gets lost in his own thoughts.” Harry said.

“I’m gonna call her, see if she’s okay.” Harrison said and the boys nodded as he left the room, phone up to his ear as he waited for her to answer.

“Hi Harrison, sorry I was gonna reply to your text.” Her voice filled his ears, she sounded sad but better than last night.

“Are you okay?” He asked her carefully.

“I think so. I miss him already but it’s for the best.” She sighed.

“Do you need anything?” He asked.

“No, please can you just make sure he’s okay?” She said, she always hated when he was upset.

“I will, I promise. He’ll be okay.” Harrison reassured her.

It’d been two months and you missed him, you really did but you wanted closure, you weren’t sure you were ready to jump back into a relationship with him but you wanted to see him. You’d finished unpacking your new flat and it was nice, nothing like the house you’d lived in but it was nice and it was yours. You felt better, being able to work on yourself and you hoped Tom had been doing the same.

You bit your lip as you nervously called him, he answered on the third ring.

“Hey.” He said and you couldn’t pinpoint his tone.

“Hey.” You said back, it was awkward for a few seconds before Tom spoke up.

“It’s really nice to hear your voice.”

“Yours to.” You said awkwardly, this was possibly the most awkward interaction you’d ever had with him. “I’m erm, I’m ready to talk.” You said through an awkward cough. “If you are.” You added and you heard him sigh in relief at the other end of the phone.

“I’d like that.” He said and you smiled. “I’m free today, if you want me to come over or whatever you want.” It was awkward but you still smiled, thinking about seeing him again.

“Sure, I’ll text you my address.” You said as you both said your goodbyes and you texted him your address. You were nervous to see him, you really were but you knew you had to, if you were going to get over this properly you needed closure. You spent the next hour cleaning up your flat, trying to calm your nerves, it didn’t need cleaning but you needed a distraction.

You heard a knock at the door an hour later and you felt your nerves rise in your chest again as you made your way to the door. You weren’t sure what he was expecting from this and it made you nervous, what if you weren’t both on the same page? Could you salvage anything? You opened the door and your breath hitched in your throat as you took him in, he looked good, but then he always did. You moved to the side to let him past and his scent filled your nostrils, you’d missed it.

Tom took her in and his heart lifted, she looked good. A dam sight better than she had the last time he’d seen her. She was still as beautiful as ever but she looked happier, more life in her and Tom couldn’t help but smile, to which she returned. He made his way into her living room and took in the flat she’d gotten, it was so her that he smiled again. She was clearly in a good place right now and Tom was happy for her, truly happy for her.

“I’m sorry.” He spoke up before he could stop himself.

“It’s okay.” She said as she smiled at him.

“No, it’s not.” He sighed. “I treated you poorly and I shouldn’t have let my stress get to me like that.” He spoke and she sighed slightly as she nodded. “You seem happy though.” He pointed out with a genuine smile, to which she returned.

“Yeah, I feel a lot better. You look good too.” She said and he sighed. He might have looked good but she’d taken his heart with her and left him with a gaping hole in his chest.

“I’m okay.” He said as they fell into silence again before Tom spoke up. “We were so happy.” He said and she nodded. “I’m sorry.” He said again.

“Tom really it’s okay.” She said as she placed a reassuring hand on his bicep and his skin burned from the contact, he’d missed it. Missed her.

“Do you think we could have that again? That happiness.” Tom asked hopefully and she felt her heart break for him.

“I don’t know Tom.” She smiled sadly at him and he gulped as he nodded. “You really messed up and I don’t know if I’m ready to go there again.” She admitted honestly and tears brimmed his eyes as he nodded, the lump in his throat preventing him from speaking. “I miss you, I do and I don’t want you to think I’ve stopped loving you but we were a mess Tom.” She continued.

“I know.” He said, voice breaking as he tried to keep his tears at bay.

 “Look Tom,” She sighed as she looked at him and he felt his nerves rise in his chest. This was it, she hadn’t wanted to see him to get back together, she wanted to say a proper goodbye and he wasn’t sure he was ready for that. “I don’t think either of us are in the best place for a relationship right now.” She continued and Tom nodded in understanding.

“I love you.” He said as he smiled sadly at her and she returned it.

“I love you too, I do but we need to figure our own shit out.” She said.

“Can we still speak? Text, call? Whatever you want, I don’t want to lose you permanently.” He asked hopefully and she laughed lightly as tears made their way down her face.

“I think we can do that.” Tom felt his own tears as he realised that he wasn’t going to lose her forever, they both still needed time to work on themselves before they could be right for each other again and he was happy with that, she hadn’t wanted to see him to say goodbye forever and it filled him with hope.

“I’m gonna miss you.” Tom said as he made his way towards her.

“I thought we just agreed we were still gonna talk.” She laughed as he stood in front of her.

“I know, but I’ll still miss you.” He said as he leant down and kissed her cheek. “I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you princess.”

You felt like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders, your cheek burned from where he’d left his kiss and you missed it instantly, but this is how it had to be for now. You needed time to figure things out yourselves if you ever hoped to have a relationship again and if he was willing to work on it so were you.

“Oh.” You said as you suddenly remembered the bundled up piece of clothing that had been on your bed for the last week. “I found something in the back of my car and I don’t know if you want it back.” You said as you retrieved the item from your room, you didn’t want to part with it, it still smelt like him.

Tom watched as she handed him a hoody that he’d been looking for, she smiled sheepishly as she handed it over and he smiled.

“I owe you a hoody. Keep it.” He said and he didn’t miss the flash of relief that crossed her features. “Promise you’ll text?” He asked as he made his way out of her door.

“I promise.” She smiled as she watched him leave.

The boys were hopeful when Tom walked through the door, with a smile on his face.

“Did you work it out?” Harry asked.

“Yeah.” Tom said.

“So you’re back together?” Harrison asked and Tom shook his head.

“No, but we’re talking. Working on our own shit.” Tom said and Harrison grinned.

“So you’re still friends?”

“Yeah.” Tom said and Harry smiled.

“That’s really good Tom.” Harry said as Tom nodded and made his way upstairs.

“Do you think they’ll get back together?” Tuwaine asked Harrison and Haz smiled.

“Yeah, over time I think they will, but not right now. You’re right mate, they’re endgame.”