#there's ***almost*** no one (friend/family member/anyone) that i did not compare myself with in terms of who's the most competent smart

[breakerofcurses]

why does it always have to be competitive with me

[phantoms-lair]

Young Justice.

Again.

Bruce felt it was a monumental achievement he didn't just drop his head against the desk. But reputation must be maintained. The next time Dick was talking to him again, he'd have to apologize for any grief he gave him about the Titans. Comparatively Dick's group were Paragons of professionalism, respect, and good judgement.

The League had been taking turns dealing with them. Superman, Wonder Woman, and Max Mercury each had taken their turn reigning it their hellion (even if Cassie Sandsmark was only Diana's hellion by proxy) and said hellion's friends. Arrowette's Mother was right out. Bruce hadn't known there could be a superhero equivalent of a stage mom, and now that he did he wished he could unlearn it. And now his friends were roping him in, he assumed because of his experience with young heroes, particularly Dick.

...Hmm. He went down his mental list of family and mentors and came up blank on one. "Should I assume the reason Drake's mentor isn't listed is the same as Arrowette's?" Batman inquired.

The other heroes looked up in shock. "Isn't...Isn't he one of yours?" Superman asked tentatively.

It was Batman's turn to be shocked. "What are you talking about? You know my family Clark. And more to the point you know about my promise to never bring another kid into this life after what happened to Jason." Batman's voice rose defensively. "Peace," Diana soothed. "Have you met the child?" "No. Because I have nothing to do with him." Bruce all but growled. "Then you would not have known. Bruce, if someone were to say he was your son by blood, I would have believed it." "If he's telling people that-" "If he were, none of us would have believed him. Bruce, he acts like you, only with less..." Diana seemed to flounder for a word "restraint?" "Common sense," Superman argued grumpily.

"He has a brilliant tactical mind, is the main maker of plans and backup plans. His ability to move in stealth is, if anything, equal to your own. Though he has the least in terms of physical power, he is the one most of the team listen to. He's so much like you I can not blame anyone for thinking it was so."

~ "I need to speak to Drake alone."

He watched the other members of Young Justice, raise their metaphorical hackles. "If you're going to chew him out for getting us out of there alive-" Superboy left the threat open ended.

Batman sighed. "No, not at this time. I need to speak with him on another matter." "It's okay guys. I know what this is about. It's cool." The rest of the team cleared, but not before giving Batman the most serious 'I'm Watching You' faces they could.

He was almost intimidated.

"Okay, look-" Drake had the most nondescript Gotham accent. Which was, as far as Batman was concerned, wholly unique. Sure to an out of towner a Gotham accent was a Gotham accent, but with the various undercover identities he'd crafter, Bruce had needed to know how to perform each one flawlessly, even the subtle difference between a Park Row and Harbor accent, which even most Gothamites had trouble with.

Drake's accent was easily identifiable as Gotham, but gave no other indicators of what part. To be honest, he was impressed. And understanding of why his friends would make such an assumption, even as it rankled they would think he broke his promise to Jason.

"-in my defense I have told everyone multiple times that I wasn't affiliated with you." Drake continued.

"And yet everyone on both our teams believed it so."

Drake rolled his eyes. "Because they assumed this was to maintain your cryptid status or trying to keep me from being targeted like Jason was."

"How do you-?" No, it made sense. If everyone assumed Drake was one of his, names could have been used in his presence.

"None of you are as slick as you think you are Mr. Wayne. Especially Dick. You might want to let him know that if your family is the only one who can do a certain flip, maybe don't do it in costume? I'd tell him myself, but he hates my guts."

Batman raised an eyebrow. "Because, like everyone else, he assumed I was your secret apprentice and he's mad about you just replacing Jason like that, which you obviously would never do, but he believed it and trust me when I say it was a really sucky 'don't meet your heroes moment'." Bruce suppressed the urge to wince. He knew what Dick's rage looked like better than anyone else. No child deserved to be on it's end. Especially a child who's only sin was resembling Bruce's motive operandi so strongly that assumptions were made.

"So who is mentoring you."

"Lots of people."

Batman narrowed his eyes. "No one." He countered. Drake grinned back. "Oh, I have been learning a lot. Admittedly mostly self taught, but I'm also learning from my peers and Red Tornado. And you're not going to do anything about it." "Oh really?" Batman challenged. "Yes, because your family already believes you broke your promise and trained me. You may be able to convince them otherwise, but if you start looking out for me or getting me training in anyway, they'll never believe you. And your family, especially Jason, means everything to you." Drake said smugly.

Of course. The was sprung on him today, but Drake knew this conversation was inevitable and had been planning. "Are you actually trying to blackmail me?" "No, I'm trying to point out it would be in our mutual best interests for you to leave me alone, or at least to the same degree as the rest of my team. I'm not dumb enough to think the lectures are going to stop. No, if I was trying to blackmail you, Mr. Wayne, I have plenty of other ways to go about it. And besides, it's not like I'm the only member of my team without an established hero mentor."

That wasn't true. He'd compared all known members and been able to tie them back to someone in the hero community, save for Drake himself. But such an obviously lie wouldn't be in Drakes style. He was subtle, manipulative. He'd tell a lie that could easily be the truth.

Unless there were more members of Young Justice than the League knew about. Batman opened his mouth to ask Drake about it, but realized he's vanished while he was contemplating. Was the brazen lie to throw him off his game and distract him, or were their actually hidden members of the team and Drake had thrown him a bone in hopes of getting him off his trail? Either way the kid was gone. Yeah. As much as he hated to admit it, he could see the resemblance.

~~~

Tim was never the Leader of YJ in this. Ostensibly Kon was at first, with Drake acting as his strategist/advisor. When Cassie took over, Drake maintained the role.

When first meeting Kon, Tim was a little starstruck and stuttered his name a bit on the into. Kon was already assuming Tim was in the cape crowd from his actions and plans during the Kidsworld event and misheard him stuttering 'Tim Drake' and 'The Drake'. Tim just ran with it.

~ "What the hell was Batman doing during your combat training?"

"Batman didn't teach me shit."

"Damn right he didn't, let me show you how to throw a punch."

~

"You know that rumor going around that I'm Batman's secret blood son? I need you to NOT look into it."

"Not...? Why?"

"Because the timeline does sort of match up. I know from records my Dad was having fertility issues, I would not put it past Mom to choose to expedite the process with someone who has the right skin, hair, and eye color so no one would suspect I wasn't his son, and it's around the time Batman was overselling the playboy nature of his civilian persona. That being said, the LAST thing I want is Batman having any sort of authority over me, so do NOT look into it"

~

"Tim Drake? Your codename is just your surname?"

"Yeah, it's almost like people asked me my name, I told them, and a whole bunch of assumptions happened."

DC Prompt

Jason Todd never dies.

Tim Drake never becomes Robin.

Tim does, however, still become a member of Young Justice.

A comedy of errors results in most of the Justice League assuming that someone else is Tim's mentor until they eventually realize that none of them are mentoring him and are like "who's child is this?"

[justfeliciathings]

I wish I could explain being transgender to you

It's easy to sit here and listen to insults being hurled at me - I've been called an ogre in a dress enough times that I introduce myself as such to stop people from using that insult - and even shrug off politicians threatening to jail me if I use the wrong bathroom. It's also comparatively easy to just not feel much when people complain about transgender athletes in sports. These aren't the problems that really bother me because I know, deep down, that these prejudices are rooted in a lack of understanding.

That's ok, because I didn't understand this stuff either, until very recently. You see, I'm a 41 year old transgender woman who only started hormone replacement therapy a few short months ago. I was so deeply in the closet that when I came out as transgender my best friends admitted they were absolutely blindsided by the revelation. I was so deep in the closet that my one non-binary friend admitted that they were afraid to tell me the reason they were going to get surgery was to get a vaginoplasty because they thought I would hate them for it. Yeah, I was that deep in the closet.

I've lost lots of friends over this, but gained others. I've pushed family members away, but gained a healthier mindset. Still, when it's all said and done, I don't wish being transgender on anyone. The only thing I wish is that I could explain what being transgender is like to you, because if you knew, you probably wouldn't be so hurtful towards people like me.

When I take my little blue pill, I'm happy. Sure, from your side of the aisle I might come across as disillusioned or even seem as if I'm faking it. After all, that's what I thought before I started taking estrogen; but, on this side of the divide I'm genuinely happy. I smile now - not just more, either: I genuinely smile. There are times when I'll catch myself with a small grin on my face - at moments when I'm not even thinking about anything. My anxiety is almost non-existent now, save for the times I have to put up with rude comments about my looks on TikTok.

I can look in the mirror now. Hell, I actually want to look in the mirror, to see the slow progression of changes as my skin becomes softer and the fat in my face repositions itself. Instead of just checking in the mirror to see if I remembered to put on pants, I legitimately critique the clothes I'm wearing and enjoy building a look for my body. I don't speed past the mirror, or avoid shaving because I think I'm ugly and look like a Neanderthal. When I take my little blue pill I feel like the reflection in the mirror is of a genuine human being.

Now, I feel that my arms are loose and my shoulders relaxed. That might sound stupid to you, but you didn't spend every waking moment of your life with arms that felt like they need to be massaged every morning just to roll out of bed, and you probably didn't need to remind yourself to relax your shoulders; but I did.

(Before you interject with your professional and totally legitimate medical opinion - yes, I tried getting treated for ADHD, and no it didn't help resolve these symptoms.)

Now, can hear the logical side of my own brain objecting to this post. "It's just the placebo effect" or "you're just caught up in the social contagion!"

Neither of these arguments make sense, though. You see, after three months on estrogen I can confidently say that no, this is not a placebo effect. For starters, yes, I can see small, subtle changes in my appearance and can feel the actual changes in the softness of my skin, so the estrogen is having a measurable effect. Second, if it was a placebo effect I would not be continuing to feel happy - a placebo only lasts so long and doesn't have long term impact on health.

As far as being caught up in a "social contagion" (which is a really terrible way to turn the term "trend" into a way to attack transgender people), the fact is that I used to be like you. My younger self would agree with you on almost all of your right wing conservative talking points. Of course, my younger self was also deeply in the closet, to the point of having harmed myself.

The fact is that the actual scientific data doesn't support any of the arguments of the right wing. When you actually read the peer reviewed studies on the subject matter, none of their talking points hold water. Interestingly, as the last few years have progressed and rhetoric against transgender people has become increasingly more violent the talking points have shifted away from easily dismissed claimed disproven by science to topics that science has yet to fill the knowledge voids in - but is well on its way to disproving, such as the popularized myth that transgender people are just sex predators.

Now that I've managed to push myself beyond the blinding veil of propaganda and dogma, I'm happy. I'm not overly happy, or stupidly happy. I'm not on an extreme bi-polar mood swing or in some kind of weird psychedelic induced high. I'm just happy. Like how I imagine a normal person might feel in their day to day life.

I wish I could explain being transgender to you, because you can't know what it's like. Unless you are actually transgender, you'll never understand how it feels. That's ok, because you don't need to understand what this journey is like, you just need to accept that taking this journey makes me happy, and, really, that's the only thing you should care about.

[godsporncollection]

Saturday Morning Session

(personal commentary in italics) (sorry for how inconsistent i am at this, i’m trying new medication, so my focus comes and goes unpredictably, but i didn’t want this to take weeks)

Russel M Nelson -  strengthen your testimony (?)

"I understand better what he meant when he said 'behold, i will hasten my work in this time.'" 

Y'all have been strengthening your testimonies and i, and your children, thank you. did that inclusion of "your children" feel off to anyone else?

I can see the work on the temple outside my window and that makes me think about how we need to remove the old debris from our lives. I too think of the temple as 'old debris' that should be removed from my life.

"the gospel is a message of joy" I cannot roll my eyes hard enough

that was short. what was the topic? blab for a five minutes?

Dieter F. Uchdorf - god is Among Us

I had to move lots when I was a kid because there was a war on. i thought about the missionaries who came to the country of their enemies to bring us the gospel.

i was a kid in a war-torn country > missionaries > god has not forgotten us > we will be heirs of god > how could we complain when we have that? > the atonement > mistakes are okay, just gotta keep repenting.

what would jesus teach if he was among us today? the same thing he's always taught. "the savior always teaches timeless truths, to everyone, a message of hope and belonging, a testament that god has not abandoned his children that god is Among Us."

jesus says to love one another and to be full of charity towards all men. i would like to see it.

anyone else feel like these talks are just. empty? like, they're not feeling it either?

if jesus came into your home today, he would see into your heart and i'm gonna waste a couple more minutes by expanding on that. one look into his eyes and we would be forever changed by the realization that god is Among Us.

back to me, i wish i could go back and tell myself to stay on the right track because god is Among Us, so i'm gonna tell you instead. god is Among Us.

"line upon line" *gag*

god is Among Us

Joy D Jones - abuse is wrong unless you use it to teach kids about the gospel

"have you ever wondered why we call 'primary' 'primary'?" as someone who understands how language works, no.

because kids are importanter than everything else

god trusts us to be nice to our kids; that means no abuse, even if we're angry. whoever needed this reminder should be shot.

hey, maybe you can "combat the evils of abuse" by not fucking raising your kids in an abusive cult!

analogy of a kid who fell out of bed because he "didn't get far enough in" = he wasn't indoctrinated enough, with awkward collage of pics of kids for a minute.

eyring said to get 'em while they're young

love all the pics of black people that try to say "see? we don't think black people are inherently evil (anymore)!"

analogy of a soldier in boot camp. drill seargants are mean, but that was necessary because apparantly it's the only way this guy can learn how to hide. also, apparently this guy is "our friend". not my friend, thanks.

"how can we do the same for our children?" don't fucking act like a drill seargent to your kids! ffs

"wouldn't we rather have them sweat in the safe learning environment of the home than bleed on the battlefields of life?" first of all, fuck you. second, dramatic much? third, fuck you, kids shouldn't have to learn about life in a hostile environment. does this woman have kids? are they okay? fucking hell, five kids were raised by a woman with this mentality. what a bitch.

"eternity is the wrong thing to be wrong about." i got news for you. of course, if i ever spoke to this machine, that topic wouldn't be my top priority.

I need a fucking drink.

Jan Eric Newman - teaching the gospel is good, but you can't force a testimony on others

anecdote about a local old woman getting birthday gifts. she taught us some good things when we were growing up, so thanks, sister davis.

another teacher, at college, was a "master teacher." he loved me and the lord. he taught me to learn doctrine on my own and that "changed me forever."

just sayin', if you're taught how to learn on your own, but didn't exercise enough critical thought to gtfo of this cult, maybe the teacher wasn't the best.

it's good to have good teachers.

the ancient nephites and lamanites had good teachers, and "there was no contention among them!"

"how can we teach more like the savior and help others become more deeply converted?" nope, nope. nope.

1st, "learn all you can about the master teacher hismelf." so, we're sticking with the term "master teacher." cool. doesn't sound weird at all.

ask yourself questions about how he taught, then do that.

read "teaching in the savoir's way."

2nd, use bullshit stories. oh, no, it's a story about how somebody is grateful for the pandemic because her adult child read the BoM for the first time during it. she said it had made "literal miracles."

3rd, "remember that conversion must come from within." guess jan and "joy" should have compared notes before speaking.

"children inheret many things, but a testimony is not one of them. we can't give our children a testimony any more than we can make a seed grow; but we can provide a nourishing environment, with good soil, free of thorns that would choke the word."

Gary E. Stevenson - kindness

story about a study where rabbits were fed a high-fat diet, but those under the care of a loving researcher didn't gain as much weight.

only christians can intuitively understand that this means there's a reason to be kind to others.

jesus said love one another.

addressing primary kids - be kind. here's a story about a kid who stopped being a bully because the bullied kid said it hurt.

to the teens - social media makes bullying worse, clearly satan is using social media against your generation. do what you can t make these spaces safer. if you're a bully, "stop it."

to the adults- "we have a primary responsibility to set a tone and be role models of kindness (get wrecked "joy"), inclusion and civility."

from ballard- "i have never heard members of this church to be anything but loving, kind, tolerant and benevolent to our friends and neighbors of other faiths." k, but, like, you know it's not just a difference of religious belief that’s the problem, right?

i'm heartbroken to hear about prejudice against blackasianlatino people or of any other group. i love how that section was really only about race, with a blanket "any other group" thrown in as an afterthought so they can't be accused of being homophobic.

in the winter of 1838, jo smith was in prison and why do you think that happened, gary?

church members were driven from their homes and the residents of a town across the river gave them food and shelter. that generosity saved the lives of many of them.

god is a compassionate care-giver.

Gerrit W. Gong - disjointed anecdotes of human experiences, idk

i miss my dad. he was adventurous, except regarding food.

i saw a guy be mean to a lady selling ice cream. he smashed all of her cones. the image of her trying to salvage the cones haunts me to this day.

story of the good samaritan.

be like christ this easter.

"we recieve inspiration as we counsel together, listening to each person, including each sister and the spirit."

does this guy have a topic?

he’s is just giving a list of random human experiences and parables.

*displays a lack of understanding of instagram.*

he's listing something throughout this, like, he keeps counting, but i have no idea what and his voice is making my adhd medication run away, so i'm not listening to this again.

Henry B. Eyring - temple worthiness

today i'm feeling light and hope, like the first day i went to the salt lake temple

i'm an oblivious fucker who didn't notice my name being pinned on me, so i thought the woman who greeted me was an angel because she knew my name.

thought he could remember being in the temple before, but a voice that was not his own (that's how you know it's true and not something he just told himself) told him he was remembering heaven.

confused "holiness to the lord" with "this is a holy place." i know both phrases use the word 'holy', but like, those contexts mean separate things.

i also had this feeling during my wedding in the logan temple.

i think henry should get checked out, he suffers from frequent hallucinations and it's good to know how your brain works differently from others when in a leadership position.

during my wedding, i had a vision of a house and the officiant said to live in a way that you can walk away easily. a year later, my father in law bought the exact house and my wife and i lived in the guest house for ten years. then i got the call to move somewhere else on assignment from the church and we walked away easily.

scripture from jesus about temples.

if you're unworthy in the temple, you won't be "able to see, by the power of the holy ghost, the spiritual teaching of the savior that we can recieve in the temple."

"when we are worthy to recieve such teaching, there can grow, through our temple experience, hope, joy, and optimism throughout our lives. that hope, joy, and optimism are available only through accepting the ordinances performed in holy temples."

i forgot how simple a baptism is, so i'm gonna tell you how amazed (and a little concerned) i was when my youngest daughter stayed to do baptism for the dead for all of the names on the list that day. maybe i'm just super comfortable in the water, but that doesn't sound hard, actually. i used to almost enjoy doing those.

quotes the primary song 'i love to see the temple.'

remember to be worthy so you can live with your family forever.

[smalltragedy]

* brigette lundy-paine, nonbinary + they/them | you know kirby wormwood, right? they’re twenty five, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, two weeks? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to ring ring by mika like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole balancing acts at perilous heights destined to entertain, jack of all trades master of none, refusal to accept the mortal world as it is thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is december 1st, so they’re a sagittarius, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( james, 21, est, they/them )

hllo welcome 2 my third character i love them a lot theyre a. remake of an older oc of mine so this is fun <3 sdfhk anyways once again i am asking u. pleathe like if u wld like to plot.

ARSON TW

mini playlist.

wizard ;; lucas lex / ring ring ;; mika / crows ;; clues / sunrise sunset ;; bright eyes / la llorona ;; beirut / no children ;; the mountain goats / might be love ;; the pesky snakes / sax in the city ;; let’s eat grandma.

statistics.

full name: kirby wormwood (currently).

nickname(s): magpie.

birthday: december 1st, 1995.

zodiac: sagittarius sun, aries moon, libra ascending.

mbti & temperament: estp & improvisor / sanguine.

label: the hellion.

hometown: abilene, texas.

sexuality: bisexual.

pinterest.

biography.

alright lets get right into it. kirby ws switched at birth. they cld’ve hd a very like. picket fence trampoline in the backyard. 4 columns cos its texas n it feels right. bt instead they were chosen <3 somewhat unintentionally <3 by dorothea n fawley wormwood, two traveling circus workers who emergency stopped in abilene.

n u know what. growing up in st. pierre’s traveling circus ws kinda fkn awesome? like ok. besides the fact tht they were homeschooled fr like evr n there were a sparing amt of children 2 socialize with? it ws p cool idk.

it ws kinda like everybody ws their parent n also not at all bc they were all very casual. bt they grew up learning hw 2 maintain the circus (n also like. normal school thingz bt i dnt think kirby hs ever cared abt school like ever) n whenever they hd a show kirby wld facepaint or handle tickets until they were old enough 2 start learning like. the Real fun things. 

fawley hd a lot of his own weird odd little like superstitions n beliefs n practically raised kirby on them like n they dnt rly <3 make a lot of sense. lots of made up philosophy. very much like. nothing defines u. u cn b anything or anyone. n kirby ws like ok cool. n then developed a god complex.

names didnt rly stick 2 kirby when they were a kid like. nothing satisfied them or felt worthy fr them or simply they just. got tired of a name. this isnt related 2 them being nonbinary BUT it did help ease some of the. pressure of exploring gender identity. theyve only hd one name tht stuck genuinely n tht ws magpie n. thts bc everybody hd their own bird name n it felt very. like community. like a role. usually the names they used during performances bt. anyways KFHDSGLKKHL

theyre Kirby bt answers 2 most. neutral nouns.

honestly. they were also a rascal as a youth. ws like. oh. i learned sleight of hand? cool. time 2 pick pockets. wld throw popcorn into the hair of other kids n b like. omggg what was that ... became a mime fr a year. it ws a rigorous training.

now a master of charades. bt anyways. they traveled pretty much weekly, maybe bimonthly n sometimes just pure monthly. there wsn’t an off season fr them, when the colder months came they’d travel south and when summer rolled in they’d go right back up again. it ws easy to switch personas almost daily n just. never reveal ur true self. totally not saying tht’s what kirby did bt thts what they did. it nvr made them lose sight of themselves it ws more like. acting. tricking ppl fr fun. 

anyways all good things come 2 an end and when kirby ws like. 18. they were like hey ur old enough that we cn trust u with fire. we think. n they started 2 learn fire-throwing n like. they were ok at it bt lessons were painfully slow n kirby ws like. i wld b so good at this if i cld do it all the time. n it ws like. hey kirby, chill. u already know a lot of things.

arson tw // u see where this is going. tents are kind of flammable. kirby ws unsupervised. bad decisions all around. circus is aflame. all the animals n all the circus workers got out fine bt like. st. pierre’s ws efficiently out of business. arson end of tw //

n kirby fkn booked it they just. ran. pure fear. nvr looked back which is like super traitorous of them 2 do bt. sometimes they meet up in secret like. sunglasses n all at a coffee shop. not all of them just like. fawley or someone else. theyre like. ur family u cld burn down a thousand circuses n we’d still love u. n kirby is like yeah i know bt i’ve rly committed to the bit now. n they dnt reunite.

anyways. since then kirby hs just been. a traveler. nvr rly staying anywhere fr super long n driving around in their shitty little van tht’d been used as housing back at st. pierre’s.

they’re in irving n theyve been there fr almost. suspiciously long. compared 2 their average stays. when asked abt what they do or why theyre there theyll just. give a vague answer or spin a long tale tht usually involves a burning circus.

theyre staying at uh. abernathy creek rn bc of course they r they fit in so naturally. welcomed with wide arms. might b soul searching rn might b on the hunt fr their birth parents might b just vibing ... whose to say ..

personality & facts.

has a Big personality tht attracts others fr better or fr worse. either super likeable or the most despicable person on the earth. no in betweens. n honestly tht is a talent in itself

has no off button is constantly. spinning tales or performing a dance or getting kicked out of bars fr whatever nonsense reason. 

honestly they prob think tht nothing bad cn ever happen to them even tho like. bad has literally happened 2 them before? love the optimism here. KLFGDLKFSDHGF

acts a bit like u’ve known them fr ur entire life they r oddly warm in tht way bt they themself r so distant tht its like. oh nice ok ...

both honest n yet dishonest like. yes they will hustle u out of ur money bt they will also tell u their opinion straight up. 

probably smart bt they r just like. prime thembo? flowy pirate shirts n cropped tshirts n pants tht r never tight. dresses like they do still work n live at a circus. 

likes 2 instigate things between others n then stand back n just watch it happen while taking like zero accountability. loves a good small town drama. avid milf hunter.

does not hv any faith in the american healthcare system at all n will straight up refuse 2 go 2 a hospital if they get hurt theyre like. i cn do it myself im like practically a professional. they r not a professional. 

bt does hv like. a thing abt apples. fkn loves them. 

uuuhhh cn play instruments bt all very badly. only knows one (1) song tht isnt made up n its wonderwall by oasis. they play it at parties. they expect fr tomatoes to b thrown at them at any given time.

very nimble. agile. granted its frm. learning circus tricks frm a baby age bt they hv impeccable balance n cn sneak up behind anyone without a single noise. uses this 2 their advantage in order 2 scare ppl. chaotic neutral.

loves having the attention on them i wont fk around here. will go to drastic measures to accomplish receiving it. my other muses r capable of taking things srsly bt kirby just. is not. they do not take a single thing srsly they barely even took. st. pierre’s destruction srsly n they caused it. maybe.

likes being able to just. be unknown so the amt tht ppl know abt them is actually very. little. i dnt think they even tell others their last name. sometimes not even their first. just hs so many aliases n nicknames. i know i didnt list any bt thts simply bc Any cld.

probably acts out to compensate fr the. underlying guilt they hv bt thts okay. i mean it isnt bt.

will probably show up if u call them fr help bt they lose interest in people p quickly n r always moving onto the next shiniest person. bt when they do they give them like. all their attention. if u wrong them in this period they will just. ignore it. bt when theyre bored then its like. u werent even friends at all? very odd.

perhaps it is commitment issues bt <3 ya. thts them. they do not claim favorite colors or movies or. most interests. probably bc theyre very very disconnected frm pop culture i think they learn everything thru twitter n google.

i wld not call them a good person bt i also dnt think theyre like evil horrible nasty awful they just. think abt themself a lot more than they think abt others n also refuses to face consequences ever and also .. anyways.

wanted plots.

part of the bird’s nest ;; honorary bird honorary circus member. u hv to be very well regarded by kirby to earn a bird name bt i feel like tht doesnt feel like a lot considering theyve only been here fr like. two weeks KDGDSHKGK. the catch is tht u cn only refer 2 them as magpie frm then forward. 

hand in unlovable hand ;; theres comfort in being terrible ppl together n it may not last bt it doesnt hv to anyways. its just them n the like. vibes. n knowing tht its smth thts nvr gna b long term. cld b anything ur character just hs to be also a little evil. KHDSGFDS

one jester ... wht abt ... TWO jesters .. ;; hoo boy. ooh man. unstoppable force and immovable object combine forces n just become. the worst of the worst. ultimate jokesters. epic pranksters. absolute clowns. chaotic energy unmatched. always nonsense. 

n also ;; ppl they’ve stolen frm, ppl who hv caught them in that act, ppl who’ve maybe seen them in the circus a very long time ago, Found Family Trope, real family shenanigans, kirby just asking everybody if theyre their dad., mortal enemies if they see each other its an instant duel 2 the death, etc.

[mzenvs3000]

So does this make me an interpreter now?

If I am honest, I feel I have had a love hate relationship with this course over this semester. Coming from a more scientific background, I have found it slightly difficult to find the motivation to write and put together “my thoughts” on the topics we discuss in class. I am so used to having explicit facts and having to write about those from a scientific approach, so trying to put together a post about my thoughts with such freedom has been a challenge. I have appreciated though throughout the semester how writing got a bit easier, and that we were able to talk on subjects that were interesting to us. I will definitely be taking some skills away from my time in this course.

One of many photos taken of water and rocks (Lake Ontario) as it is another huge love of mine. Photo taken by myself.

Like many who are taking part in this class have a love for nature, and are probably coming from a major with some type of nature encompassed in it. This is true in my case, as I am a wildlife biology and conservation student. Wildlife biology and conservation is just one side of my love for nature. Others include marine studies, geology, and  geography/landforms. This would open up so many doors in the nature interpretation field for me. I also have passion for the care and protection of animals, species at risk, climate change, plastic pollution, and how humans interact with nature in their everyday lives, similar to Jacob Rodenburg who wrote the article, “Why Environmental Educators Shouldn’t Give up Hope.”

A shell fossil found in a rock at the Elora Gorge while on a field trip with my geography class in third year. We were trying to interpret the history of the area, guessing it was a marine environment from all of the marine fossils found in the rocks. Photo taken by myself. 

As an interpreter, I feel there is a certain responsibility I have when working with an audience. The first responsibility being the need to deliver creditable information that your audience can trust. This struck me as important when we were learning about nature interpretation in history. This is something I always seek out when learning about different things because I want to make sure what I’m learning is true and has some merit behind it.

I took my Alberta friend on a Hamilton waterfall tour as she did not believe me when I told her Hamilton was the waterfall capital of the world. An example of one of my first “interpretation tours.” (She was impressed). Photo taken by Jenna Stetz.

Another important responsibility is for the interpreter to put their own spin on their presentation and make it personal. I have lost count of the number of presentations I’ve had to listen to when someone is just reading off of a slide or a card. I don’t know about you, but I feel like when I hear these kinds of presentations, the presenter doesn’t really care too much and doesn’t seem to care if their audience gets a good experience or not. I always learn better and pay attention the most if someone shares a personal story that relates to the content. An example of this was recently I was in a course that was preparing me to apply to be a fire ranger this summer. I could instantly tell that my instructor was passionate about his job as a fire ranger with the number of stories he would tell. One story was to emphasize the importance of safety. He told the story about him and two other crew members messing around while chopping down some small trees to kill time, and they made a competition around it. His crew leader decided to take part and wasn’t paying attention and ended up getting an axe in his shin. He made this boring 2 hour long safety module more interesting and engaging by telling this story. When putting your own spin on it, it allows the audience to engage much more, as well as being relatable.

One last responsibility I feel is of importance is that as interpreters we have almost like a duty to pass on knowledge of certain things, not allowing them to be forgotten about. I take great pride in this, knowing that I might have an influence on the future “me’s” one day to share this information with others. We have to remember we are not just passing on knowledge of the environment and nature, but also cultural beliefs and practices too. I mentioned in a previous post about how it is important to learn from the past, and we cannot do this unless we actually know what happened in the past. I personally love just even sharing my scientific and nature knowledge with my friends and family who do not have this as a background, and take pride in the fact that I am able to help educate them on this subject.

Photo of my mom and I at the cottage, as she is making sure I was exposed to the outdoors as early as possible. Photo taken by my dad, Dave Zarnke.

An approach that I would make sure to include in my interpretation is to be able to share with a diverse audience. This would include different age categories, different cultural backgrounds, different knowledge backgrounds and understanding on the subject, as well as learning styles that people possess. This is important to consider because knowing these different factors would affect how you would conduct the presentation to make it the most effective. With different ages there is a different level of understanding so when I would present something to a younger audience, I would make sure to use lots of examples and simple terms they could easily understand, compared to an older audience where I could potentially use more complex terms and concepts. Knowing the cultural and knowledge backgrounds may also determine the content you wish to speak on and the approach you take.

Personally I am a visual and tactile learner, and find it easiest to teach and interpret in this way. During an interpretation I would probably include many visual aids such as photos, videos, and live models to share with the audience. I would encourage the audience to take part in demonstrations and actively participate throughout the presentation. I have also found that through my school life I learn best when examples are given, or thought provoking questions are asked. When information is presented in this way it helps me to compare an example to real life and make those connections, and the thought provoking questions challenge me to take time to digest and organize all that I have learned to put it all together.

Something I think that may set me a part from many interpreters is what I believe and my faith. I am a christian (and like to think of myself as a christian scientist) which can be quite difficult at some times trying to study my major in a secular setting due to different beliefs. The main one would be how the world was created. I believe that there is one true God who created this world, everything in it, and the species we see today are the same and looked the same when the world was created 6000 years ago. This belief and faith of mine plays a huge role in my life, influencing most and if not all of my decisions, so it would be important to me to include this in my interpretations. I would not share or teach others something that I don’t believe in. This would probably lead to me interpreting to a different audience or have a different approach in my interpretations as these beliefs are not the same as what secular science believes and teaches, as well as most organizations. If this were to be a career of mine I would have to work for an organization whose beliefs are the same.

Photo of the Oakville waterfront taken from a walk with friends one afternoon after church. Photo taken by myself. 

I believe that as an interpreter, I would ensure to create programs specifically directed towards kids because I have experienced the benefits of taking part in these programs personally. We have learned a bit about how technology is a double edged sword. On one hand, it can be a great tool for nature interpretation, playing sounds, videos, or even in our case currently creating podcasts we can share over the internet. The downfall is that they are also causing people and especially kids to be very disconnected these days. I have lost count the number of times I will see kids with their parents just out and about, completely ignoring their parents just fully consumed in what is on their screen, and these kids are as young as even four years old. I didn’t know what a computer was til I was way older than that, and never received one myself until even later. I think it is so important to raise awareness of these environmental issues to kids and get them involved so they gain interest early in life and can be a part of the solution for their generation.

Before this course I really never pictured myself ever leading an interpretation or even writing about nature as I am more of a research oriented person and not so much as a writer. Taking the time I have to write this post and reflect on what this could look like for me really opened my eyes and allowed me to picture myself actually do this. I reflected back to many memories when I was growing up and took part in nature interpretations as a kid (and honestly never made the connection that I was taking part in an interpretation), just emphasizing one of my points about the importance of getting kids involved. I think nature interpretation can be for anyone to take part in, either leading or listening as we all see things differently with a different lens. This has been a great opportunity and I will definitely be taking these skills I’ve learned with me as I continue in my own nature interpretation.

[rukia-kuchiki-divided]

Can you write about the adoption scene from Rukia's perspective? Pls??

~Sure why not? Angst hours it is then! Under readmore for length because... I have no self control~

The unused study room at the end of the hall sat completely empty when Rukia arrived. Sighing softly as the door shut behind her, grateful that it was enough to effectively muffle the remarks about her origins in the Rukongai. Wasn’t it bad enough that she was surrounded by stuck up nobles who lived life without a care in the world? Meanwhile, she was back to rationing out her meal supply until she could manage to sneak out to the outer edges of the Seireitei and replenish her stash. 

Renji was supposed to meet her here so they could take their lunch break together. It had been a few days since Rukia really had a chance to talk to him. They’d both been training late into the night, normally too exhausted to exchange much more than pleasantries in the evening before giving in to sleep in their respective dormitories. Males and females were generally kept apart though Rukia felt safer sleeping up in the branches of the nearby trees then in her small closet of a room. It wasn’t that she wasn’t grateful to have a place to keep dry in the rain. But compared to living in the Rukongai with it’s wide open spaces, she found it a touch claustrophobic for her tastes.  

Wondering just how long his exam was going to take, Rukia let out another long sigh. This was his second major exam that would allow Renji to excel into the next level. If he passed, he’d be more than just an advance class above her. She should feel happy for him. She was happy for him. But that dark shadow of doubt weighed heavily in her chest which rendered reading her open textbook impossible. 

“The gap between us just continues to grow.” Rukia muttered to no one in particular. “Eventually, that bond will snap. Am I holding Renji back?  I  wish I was able to forget the Rukongai as easily as he seems to have done.” 

Groaning, Rukia tapped her forehead against the text book. What is wrong with me? Renji’s excelling and here I am feeling sorry for myself. Snap out of it, damn it!

So when the door suddenly opened, Rukia had already resigned herself to put on a happy face and congratulate the red head despite the pang of jealousy in her heart. 

“About time, baka. I thought you were gonna stand me up for-” 

Rukia’s eyes widened as she realized she did not feel Renji’s usual warm familiar reiatsu. Quickly jumping to her feet, she recognized the signs of nobility  from the kenseikan to the servants accompanying them, even to the way they watched her low bow with a critical gaze. 

“Forgive me, I thought you were someone else.” 

Rukia apologized, keeping her head low as she was taught. The last thing she needed was to piss off a noblemen who might have a say in how their classes were graded. There appeared to be two noblemen while the others were their attendants. Wait  - not just attendants but soul reapers! 

The younger one with the kenseikan had a zanpakuto in addition to an intimidating amount of spiritual pressure. It felt cold and hard like a steel blade on a cold winter morning. They match his hard grey eyes that look over Rukia’s face critically, as if searching for something. She watched as a flicker of immeasurable sadness crosses his gaze for an instant before it is locked behind a wall of steel. Was that pity?

“Forgive us, as it is we who interrupted your studying.” The older man spoke with a deep baritone, motioning for Rukia to stand up straight once more. “You are Rukia, is that right? From Inuzuri in the Rukongai?” 

“Yes, that’s me.” But how and why would nobles like them care about her or where she was from? Her brow furrowed slightly as she ran through a list of possibilities.

The older noblemen glanced at the younger one, his facial expression asking an unspoken question. Rukia watched as the younger one inclined his head slightly, an almost imperceptible nod of approval.

“I see.” The older man looked Rukia over once more  with stern eyes behind those delicate glass lenses and she felt significantly more uncomfortable. The way his eyes lingered on her worn red uniform and the smudges of dirt on her shoes made her feel as though she was being assessed for a price.

 “Then let us get on with the purpose of our meeting. Rukia, my name is Nobutsune Seike. I am the cleric elder of the noble Kuchiki Clan. This is Byakuya Kuchiki, the head of our noble house.” The pride in his voice as he spoke was overwhelming. Even Rukia had heard of the Kuchiki clan, though only in rumor as if they were a fairy tale to be sought after. 

“We would like to make you an offer to join our family.” 

The world seemed to suddenly turn on it’s side. Rukia blinked once and then twice to regain her composure. Surely she had misheard the elder?! Perhaps he was confused and misspoke?! Her violet eyes glanced up at who she now knew was Byakuya Kuchiki himself, looking at him for any sign of disagreement. But his face was stoic and still, as if he was made of steel himself. 

“My apologies,” Rukia managed to stammer out. “But I must have misunderstood. What would a noble clan want me to joint their family for?”  

For a split second, Rukia could have sworn she saw a look of disgust cross the elder’s face though he disguised it well. “Ah a very blunt question. But we can get to the details of things after we present our offer. Rukia, we would like to extend to you an offer of adoption. Not only would you be part of the noble Kuchiki Clan, but Byakuya Kuchiki himself will adopt you as his younger sister!” 

His younger sister? But... why? It didn’t make any sense to her. Before Rukia could interrupt, Nobutsune held up his hand. 

“Please, allow me to lay out the terms of our offer. You would become Rukia Kuchiki, no longer a nameless soul of the Rukongai. Your home would be the main Kuchiki house with all its amenities. Of course, you would be subject to the laws of our clan as any other member of Kuchiki house along with the additional requirements the main family house entails.” 

He paused again, looking Rukia up and down for the third time while pushing up his glasses. “We understand that there is a ... gap in education due to your upbringing. We are prepared to tutor you in our home as well as propel your soul reaper career. As a member of our noble house, you will not need to bother completing the Academy’s training course as we will arrange for private training. You will be allowed to join an available squad of your choosing and test for a seated position if you should qualify.” 

This was unreal. She had to be dreaming. There was just no way that the Kuchiki clan, of all the noble houses in the Seireitei, had found her and asked for her to join their family. Something was wrong. In Rukia’s experience, if an offer seemed too good to be true, it most likely was. There was always a catch. 

But - family. The idea of having a family with all the bonds that went with it was certainly appealing. Renji. His face instantly surfaced in her mind as he was the only one she had any semblance of a bond with at this time. What would he think of this? What would this do to their already fraying friendship? Nobility came with chains. Rukia was well aware of that. 

“What exactly would my extra duties require of me?” Her violet eyes carefully flickered between the elder and Byakuya, trying to gain any insight they might offer. 

“As part of the main family, you are expected to attend certain functions, maintain a strict code of conduct especially outside of the walls of our home. Your comings and goings will be restricted as well as your social circle and those you interact with on a casual basis. You will be allowed to continue your soul reaper career, as mentioned before, so that will be the exception to this. When the elders of our clan deem it appropriate, you will be wed to a suitor of our choice who meets the Kuchiki clan standards. In exchange, all of your needs will be provided for and your career elevated.” 

His thick white eyebrows raised above his glasses in a way of finality. “Well, do we have your interest, Rukia of Inuzuri?” 

Rukia was processing everything he had said, not missing the subtle way her freedoms would be restricted. Her gaze fell to the ground, heart torn. Could she do this? Could she really sell her soul for this? 

Again, Renji’s face swam into her mind’s eye. Of course not! Renji was her family. If she were to join the Kuchiki’s, then she would not be permitted to speak to Renji. That alone was enough to make her doubt this offer. But was she holding Renji back in his own life? Doubt crept in, a cold chill running up her spine.

“I..I’m not-” 

As if on cue, the door burst wide open and almost caused Rukia to jump. Renji’s excitement was rolling off of him as he blurted out his news. 

“Rukia! Guess what? I passed the second exam! Can ya belie-” 

The way his face shifted from exuberance to confusion was almost comical. Rukia saw the look of recognition as Renji took in Byakuya’s kenseikan and the spiritual pressure in the room. “Uh..” 

“It seems our negotiations have been interrupted.” Nobutsune eyed Renji with only thinly veiled disgust. “This place is no longer suitable for us to continue our discussions”

 He and Byakuya already began making their way back through the entrance as Renji moved aside for them to pass. “We look forward to hearing a favorable answer, Rukia.” 

Rukia’s mind was conflicted, thoughts rolling into each other as she tried to untangle them. But Renji was here now. He was the strategist, the one who kept his feet grounded between the two of them. He was her best friend, after all. If anyone could see the flaws in this plan and understand her view on nobility, it was him. 

“Renji..” 

He seemed startled out of deep thought, not having moved from his position beside the entrance way. “Oh Rukia! What - what was that all about, eh?” 

She averted her gaze, not trusting herself to look Renji in the eyes at the moment. “They were from the Kuchiki clan. They.. want to adopt me into their family.” Rukia was already shaking her head, holding one arm with the other across her abdomen to steady herself. “I don’t know what to do. Renji-” 

The last thing Rukia expected was to hear Renji exhaling in what seemed like relief. His hand moved to her shoulder, grasping her as he started to chuckle. 

“What do ya mean ya don’t know what to do? This is great! The Kuchiki clan is a powerful family! Oh man, yer gonna be living the life of luxury just like we always dreamed about!” He shifted his hand slightly on her shoulder as Rukia watched his face intently. “I wonder what you’ll be eatin’! Ah! I’m so jealous!”  

Fake. That was the first thought that crossed Rukia’s mind as she watched him. He was lying to her about how he felt. But why would he do that? Unless... she had been a burden holding him back this whole time? And now he had a way to severe their bond without feeling guilt. That was the only explanation that made sense to her, the only reason she could think of that Renji would lie to her - to spare her feelings. 

It was an almost audible snap in her heart as she felt the bond between herself and Renji break, finally frayed to it’s last thread. She understood now that there was nothing left for her here. He was giving her away, without even an after thought. She was a reminder of where he came from, a life Renji was desperate to forget as he fit in with the others in his class. That’s all she would always be to him - a painful reminder of why he would always be different. 

I see now.. Rukia felt the pinpricks of tears threatening to spill out of the corner of her eyes. This was kindness on Renji’s part. He was letting her go in the gentlest way possible. She reached up to grasp his hand with both of hers, gently pulling it off her shoulder. He looked down at her, meeting her gaze before she tore her eyes away. 

“Thank you.” 

Before Rukia allowed herself to say anything else lest she give away how broken hearted she felt, she did the only thing she knew how to do. It saved her life time after time and would be her saving grace again.

Run. Don’t look back. Just run. 

She ran straight down the hall, not stopping until she had caught up with the Kuchiki elder and Byakuya. 

She bowed, wiping away any semblance of tears that remained on her face before meeting their gaze.

“I accept.”

The elder bowed his head slightly in acknowledgement, glasses gleaming in the sunlight. 

“Welcome to the family, Rukia Kuchiki.” 

[mimzy-writing-online]

Writing Blind Characters Falling in Love, an Advice post

Okay, let’s get down to business (to defeat the huns...)

Last May I wrote a long and intensive guide on how to write a blind character. The masterpost of that guide is here: https://mimzy-writing-online.tumblr.com/post/185122795699/writing-a-blind-or-visually-impaired-character

[Yes, I know I never finished part four, I feel bad about that]

Since writing that guide I’ve had a few of you wonderful writers contact me asking for more situational advice on writing your characters. Which I love doing. I love seeing people making a serious effort to get it right. 

Last night someone asked me how to write a blind character falling in love...

...and I thought, wow, how did I forget to write about love and blindness. Especially since I had such an intense experience of falling in love for the first time while losing vision.

There’s a lot of thoughts I have on this subject, so it’ll take a bit to get through. In this guide we’ll talk about:

1) Is dating different when you’re disabled?

2) Are there problems with dating when you’re disabled?

3) How your characters meet

4) First things in a new relationship when you’re blind

5) The joy of falling and being in love while blind

Disclaimer: I am a visually impaired writer and blogger. I have been living with vision loss for two years now. I also fell in love during those two years, even if she and I are not together anymore. I also write blind characters of my own, including Ulric, from my current wip A Witch’s Memory

Is dating different when you’re disabled?

Well, yes. But also no. It’s a romance that involves a few more challenges than a romance between able bodied people, but at it’s heart it’s still a romance. Love is still the focus. 

While planning and writing your book/story, you need to be aware of how much space you allow for a romance plot and how that space compares to other plotlines. If you’re writing an action story and your romance is only a subplot, then the space you have to establish your characters’ more intimate interactions is smaller. If the romance is one half of the plot, or most of the plot, it gets more space to work with.

In that time you need to establish how your characters meet and how they connected emotionally. Those are two separate things. How do they meet the first time, and what makes them want to keep meeting up. Meet-cutes are adorable and I’ve read a bunch, but your characters need something about them that makes them emotionally connect and want to see more of each other. Thinking they’re cute and jumping from first exchanged words to an offer for a date in two pages isn’t realistic and it’s too fast paced if you’re working with something serious.

Also a blind character won’t likely recognize if the character is cute, not unless their vision allows for it. What a blind character will latch onto is conversation and how they felt in the moment. 

When writing a romance plot, the emotional connection is worth its weight in gold. You need to establish it, kindle it, and let it grow.

What will make a blind character (or anyone really) connect to someone new?

Here are your three basics for establishing a connection.

Conversation

Respect

Common Ground

You start with conversation to get to know each other, you establish if this is a person who will respect you as a person for being disabled or for being any other minority you are. Then you establish if you have common ground.

Respect is usually the thing that gets in the way of dating when you’re disabled.

Conversation: What connects people is their first conversation. This is where your character’s make their first impression with each other. If conversation comes easily, or if there’s a lot of humor, people will connect. It’s a lot easier to leave a stilted conversation than a flowing, easy conversation. Your characters also pick up clues about who that person is in the conversation, what their interests are, what their life is like, how they feel, what they think.

If your blind character is someone who misses a lot of facial expression and body language, they will be relying heavily on word choice and tone when determining someone else’s mood. 

Respect is something you usually determine after the conversation has developed. Unless someone was off the bat rude to you the second they met you, or discriminated against you instantly, it will take a little longer to see how much respect someone has for both you and for a minority group.

Disrespect for the Disabled Comes in Multiple Forms

Discrimination: this is quicker for someone who is not disabled to identify. It’s garden variety discrimination. They don’t care that you’re blind and need help finding a door or elevator. They make jokes about your disability both in front of you and behind your back. They say they would never ever date someone with a disability, as if you’re a burden

(note: I’m not saying anyone has to date anyone, abled or not. But maybe don’t say to someone point blank that you could never date or be attracted to someone with a disability, because it’s just rude. Also these people were rarely asked)

Backwards Disrespect: “Oh, you’re so pretty, I would have never known you were blind” “You’re too pretty to be blind” “Wow, you’re so ambitious/hard-working for someone with a disability” “You talk really well for a deaf person, you sound almost normal”

If they sound like compliments to you, guess again. To be honest, I’m hoping you’re all reading those “compliments” and wondering what sort of person would think to compliment someone like that. But here’s the thing, those are all real things that have been said to countless people with disabilities.

My Personal Favorite, from my at-the-time class crush: “But you’re so sweet and nice, you don’t deserve to be blind. You poor thing.”

But people still think these are good compliments to say to someone with a disability, even though it thoroughly insults everyone else with that same disability as being of a lesser standard.

Savior Complex/Infantalize: This is where you see your savior complexes come out, and there’s a huge real-life reality that people with savior complexes seek out the disabled to help them, and that includes romance. It’s also where I fear many of you writers may accidentally venture into without meaning too.

Granted there is a lot of care giving involved when you are a close family member, close friend, or a romantic partner to someone with a disability. In a fresh relationship, a romantic partner would not be involved much/at all in caregiving because they don’t live with this person or have any experience with their disability.

Care giving for a loved one is great. What’s not great is if your blind character’s romantic interest starts babying them. Talking to them as though they are a child. Limiting that person’s activity or freedom on the basis of protecting them from harm because they can’t see what they’re doing. If your blind character’s romantic interest starts acting like an overbearing mother in a YA novel, you have some serious problems with that romantic interest and your character needs to get out of the relationship.

But this is a reality of being disabled and dating. Sometimes people stop seeing you as an independent person capable of making decisions, and start seeing you as an adorable, tall child who needs to be protected. It sucks. Never date someone like that.

Ignore: I’m referring to a very specific type of disrespect and I’m not sure what a better word for it would be. Here’s a straight forward example.

Your blind character says they don’t feel comfortable going to a club with their new date because they feel vulnerable in a dark, loud environment already filled with risks for danger. Your character’s romantic interest ignores that, thinking if they just try it out anyway, they’ll love it. And if your character decides they love being coerced or forced out of their clearly marked comfort zone to do this dangerous activity that scares them, you fucked up. Because nobody should be coerced or forced out of their comfort zone, they should be able to leave their comfort zone on their specific terms. Your characters love interest needs to respect that. Your character established a boundary/concern because of their disability, and they need to be listened to.

Or, on the other side.

Your blind character expresses what they can do on their own without help, and your character’s love interest ignores that. Bad. That goes back into the infantizing aspect, but in truth they’re two sides of the same coin.

There’s like five million other ways to discriminate against the disabled, but there’s your top four in social/relationship settings.

Common Ground I feel should be self explanatory. It’s things that connect your characters beyond looks or small talk. Their shared interests, shared humor, shared personality traits, shared life experiences, shared religion or culture, anything like that.

What are the dangers of dating when you’re disabled and how do you avoid them?

There’s a lot of danger to being disabled, to being an easy target in the eyes of others. It’s even worse when you’re a woman. Even worse when you’re blind or deaf. 

[Note: please don’t use this as an excuse to include rape plots or domestic violence, those are actual triggers for many people, including myself. There’s already too many stories out there with rape scenes used to further plot when literally anything could have been done instead]

What are the dangers of dating when disabled?

Part of it is how you meet someone. For this reason a lot of people with disabilities might opt to only date people they’ve met in person before, sticking to people they know well. This means they won’t date online. That’s not a universal choice, but it is a reality. I have tried online dating since vision loss and I won’t mention I’m blind in my profile? Why?

There are people who would pick me specifically because I’m blind. Those people are: 1. People with savior complexes 2. People who want someone weaker than them to abuse, who they think won’t fight back or will be less likely to leave 3. People with a disability fetish. I’ve experienced 2 out of 3 personally.

So I’d prefer to date someone I met through school or through a friend group. Not been so lucky there, but that’s life.

How Your Characters Meet

Given the above, your character is not likely to go on a date with an online stranger. Though there are exceptions and they are taken with the precaution of having someone sitting in the corner of the coffee shop you’re meeting at, or something like that. Your character is also not likely to go on a blind date.

A note on blind dates: If your blind character is going on a blind date, you did it, you jumped into a cliche/trope. It’s not that you can’t write it, but it’s over-done and anyone who is blind will probably stop reading your story, or maybe never even start. Also, I’m not sure blind dates exist as a social practice after 2010, so there’s also that...

Your character, like most people, will find someone they want to date in the crowd of people they already know. I’m not saying they have to be a friends to lovers thing (although that is my fave trope) but they probably know their love interest in passing before things really get started. A coffee shop regular, a classmate they’ve only talked to a little bit, a friend of a friend.

The First Things

Over the course of dating your characters will have a series of conversations about disability that happen and are mixed in with other normal dating life.

Things your characters should establish on the first date:

-Your blind character will explain to their date how much they can and can’t see. You should be a little in depth if you can, because that’s honestly just a real thing about dating when blind. This might involve mentioning a diagnosis, but your character might choose to shy away from telling the full story if it was an emotional one

-Your character should establish their boundaries, what they can do without help or with minimal help, and what they can’t do. (and their date should respect that)

-The date should happen like most normal dates. They should still talk about all the things two able-bodied people would talk about on a first date. Interests, family, childhood, etc

In following dates:

Your blind character should be able to tell their date when they’re not okay with them doing something (making a blind joke, or trying to talk for them/over them to sighted people without permission, like “oh no, they don’t need a menu/straw/map/shopping bag/etc)

Like all couples, your characters should discuss physical boundaries. That means sex, physical affection, verbal affection, PDA, not touching personal possessions (such as cane, guide dog, or phone). This doesn’t necessarily have to happen on page, but it’s something all dating people should just have in the beginning of their relationship.

Your blind character will talk about small daily struggles with blindness and their date should listen, just listen. Listening is one of the biggest ways to help someone with a disability. Listen to what they say they feel, without telling them they’re overreacting. Listen to their struggles without trying to fix it all right away and without their permission. Listen to how they ask to be treated.

Your blind character will get comfortable with this relationship, and eventually rely on their partner a little more for small things.

The Joy of Being and Falling in Love while Blind

Falling in love with someone when you live with a disability has a unique aspect to it. You’re so used to struggling to do things yourself that now having someone who helps even a little is life changing.

Your partner (with your permission) will speak up for you when you face discrimination for your disability. It will feel fucking amazing to have someone tell others off on your behalf.

They help with small daily tasks. For example, I hate taking trash out to the bins because my outside vision is very bad, so I always prefer for someone else to do it. Or running an errand to the store is 10x less stressful because there’s someone sighted to help.

Your partner becomes someone you feel safe traveling with, and you’ll go on more adventures because now they’re by your side. I tried lots of new things while in my last relationship that I didn’t try with previous ones where I was sighted. I went to new places, tried new foods and new restaurants, saw movies that I’d never heard of. She and I even took a drive through rich neighborhoods in December to see all the decked out Christmas decorations.

There’s someone who makes you feel loved and cherished. Someone who makes this ablest world feel a little less rotten. A little more beautiful.

I think that’s what I have for now. This is a bit of a monster of a post, so I’m impressed if you got this far. If you have more questions about writing a blind character, feel free to message me or send me an ask. Feel free to interact with me in general, I love you all.

This is going to be linked into my master post as well. Like this and all my other posts on the subject, any post involving advice for writing a blind character will be tagged #blindcharacter

Follow me for writing advice, updates on my wip A Witch’s Memory, and writing memes or relatable posts.

[alchemist-shizun]

I saw you in a dream. (Then it came to an end.)

Read on Ao3!

Happy belated birthday to one of the best people in the world: @lance-alt! I promised I’d do something for you on Monday, but of course I have to make people wait for the juicy stuff. (read: the juicy stuff will be your tears after this, probably.) Love you bro!

General taglist: @whizzie72 @sapphire-knight @burningpersonflapsuitcase @softanxiouspatton @royallyanxious @kim-argent-moon @lance-alt (tell me if you want to be added or removed)

Taglist: @unsocialchapeau

Word Count: 2,626

Characters: mainly Remus, Logan, Deceit, Roman, (mentioned Virgil)

Pairing(s): onesided!Intrulogical, implied Loceit

Warning(s): Angst. So much angst. Also unresolved angst. Yelling, Swearing. Might be a bit ooc cause I can’t write Remus the way I’d like.

Summary: What do we not do for a loved one? What do we not do for the sake of a friendship? What do we not do to make sure we destroy ourselves in favor of others? And how exactly did Remus think he was going to be perfectly fine?

A/N: I am not sorry. This is a human AU btw. Enjoy! :3

❝Though I am bruised

Face of contusions

Know I’ll keep moving❞

Remus would have never blamed D.

It was middle school, and middle schoolers were widely known for their passion of brushing off specific people who didn’t appear quite as appropriate for themselves in their eyes.

He had always been a devastating tornado according to those around him, unable to be tamed unless given space to burst until not even a gentle breeze was left to tickle his skin.

D, on the other hand, knew how to be cool and poised, but that didn’t mean his nature was the one of an innocent puppy.

No, better yet, he was more like a domesticated beast.

That truly gave the teachers a hard time, because once combined they became inseparable and never really ceased to meddle with them.

And yet … students were most definitely inclined to avoid Remus at best, while when it came to D only curious and interested glances were given.

Remus would have never blamed him though, D didn’t even realize how far better they were treating him compared to his friend. He only focused on how close-minded people still were in there.

Who was he not to join in his complaining?

Everything would have been fine with him for as long as their friendship stayed that way. A messy supportive two-participants family.

It felt like a welcoming and roaring fire at the same time, the chaos they brought just with their understanding looks and smirks.

They knew they were going to end up with a long lasting friendship and they were proud to remind those around them by never losing sight of each other at school.

And it was okay that way, with only just D accepting him the way he was, he didn’t really need much else.

Until that cursed afternoon.

There was an extracurricular sort of contest their school held right after lessons every year, but Remus could barely remember what it even was about

All he remembered was that damned marvellous thoughtful and focused expression when he looked a bit to his left to the boy sitting next to him.

Oh, the irony.

It had been right then that it had hit him. That maybe … maybe there was already something else. A something that transformed into something more with every little bit of interaction they shared.

Roman knew him, they were in the same class, and he had to complain at least once a day about how unnerving the guy was, always challenging him do debates Roman was so inclined to win that it took a third party member, Virgil, to separate them.

How the three of them were still close friends after three years was still a mystery to many.

So that was when he first heard about Logan.

But his brother and him weren’t exactly known for having the safest household in the world, so inviting friends over was a hard no. Then, the actual first time Remus had seen him was when he entered middle school that year.

At first he hadn’t obviously realized his crush, but after he had spent the minimal amount of time with Logan, it was so blatant that even he couldn’t deny it to himself.

He could have also labelled it as the first time someone other than his brother and D had recognized him as another human other than a weird poltergeist to avoid. There was a way he spoke with that low tone and thoughtful arguments that would have probably made him melt right on the spot. Or maybe it was his sharp features, or the way he thought he had looked at him that one time.

Remus was deep down the river at the base of the cliff, the tip of his hair barely managing to be untouched by the water.

Damn Roman. Damn Roman and his storytelling, and how Remus had always rooted for Logan in their discussions, how he had already taken a liking into him and had already doomed himself.

It was break, fifteen minutes of pure relaxation, and Remus and D had already spent the first five minutes together, trying to get away from the stress of the ending of the first term.

D’s eyes lit up as they turned a corner, Remus followed his gaze as he spoke.

« Hey! Why is this the first time I see you since school started? » a toothy smile displayed on his lips. It was almost as bright as the one he reserved to him.

« Your cousin is impossible to move from his seat. » Logan’s crystalline voice cleared. « So Roman and I mostly stay in class with him. »

« Ugh, » D rolled his eyes. « I apologize on his behalf. » he didn’t hide the fond tone when he talked, though.

« No, it’s quite alright by us. » had he ever not turned to Remus, maybe he wouldn’t have regretted meeting Logan in the long run. « Oh, I didn’t even introduce myself properly the other day. » he stretched out his hand. « I am Logan. »

« I know. »

Panic.

Fuck. Fuck what did you just say, why. Now he’ll think you’re creepy, too.

D put an arm around his shoulders. « Yeah, he’s Roman’s brother. » perhaps a saviour? « And sometimes he’s just as dense as him. »

Remus scoffed. « Lies. I’m a better idiot than him. »

That got a chuckle out of both. He felt delighted.

As he saw Logan about to withdraw his hand, Remus took it almost instantly.

Oh my god what the fuck are you doing?

« I’m Remus. » the bell rang and maybe his ears were too.

« My pleasure. » Logan conceded before letting go and starting to backtrack to his class. « I’ll see you two around. »

And as fast as he arrived, he was gone.

Like a blurry hallucination or those spots you see when you get up too fast from the couch.

The rest of the day-

Well, he didn’t remember much anymore.

Maybe the fact that he and Logan did actually have something in common.

When there was a group of three, there would always be the two that shared the stronger chemistry. And if Logan didn’t feel as close to Roman and Virgil, Remus sure as heck knew if anyone interacted with D and him, he would have felt like something was off most of the times.

There were flashes of memories that crossed his mind ever since Logan had left middle school to start his first year of high-school.

Most were all the meet ups they had with D during break, the glances he caught and buried deep down in his heart, the laughter of all three of them, how their dynamics colliding were actually definitely working well together.

What he remembered mostly were the furtive tears that were shed on their last day.

He never told D about that.

It was when he went home that he couldn’t have hidden it from Roman any longer. His brother had affirmed that he had been crying even more than himself, which was saying a lot.

So the words came out like a destructive flood, deleting with a burning strength all the hopeful thoughts.

« Rem, listen here. » Roman, thankfully, had spoken up before his mind would have travelled down risky paths. « Not seeing each other almost everyday doesn’t mean you won’t be friends any longer. »

He had only looked up from the pavement. Were he to look back at this memory years after he’d have thought himself to be pathetic.

« And you can definitely meet after school whenever you want. If our parents won’t let you, I’ll come with. »

And that they did, slowly trying to gain their parents’ trust to let them go out by themselves until they were both attending high-school.

Another three years would have passed before the lethal “last day” would come again, but the trio made sure to imprint the best memories together while they had the time.

Only that the most unexpected things happen at the worst times.

Remus and D were both in the third year; things seemed to be going smoothly as ever, between all the tests and mental breakdowns for said tests, Remus would have never thought to cross the threshold of his school and be met with loud yelling not too further away from his class.

Normally he wouldn’t have really cared much.

Unless the two subjects were Logan and D. Which they were. Which had also made him pale with a horrible feeling in his guts.

He couldn’t make out what they were saying as the screaming in his thoughts didn’t leave him alone.

« MIT, Logan. Seriously! You’re insane! »

« I had my reasons! »

D scoffed and put his face in his hands for a beat. « Refusing because of your friendships is not a valid reason! »

Remus was confused. He really didn’t want to be there at all.

« It is when you don’t want to lose them. »

« You wouldn’t have, you idiot! »

« Guys what’s- »

« There is a reason if we’re friends! »

« -going …? » he could see the profound rage in D’s caramel irises. One glance and you’re dead.

« You didn’t trust us to maintain our friendship, did you? Is that why you refused the international internship? »

« That’s absurd, that’s not what I mean! »

« It sounds a lot like it’s exactly what you mean! »

Remus connected the dots.

Friendship. MIT. International internship. Logan had refused to be an intern abroad only because of them. He had been too afraid to loose them as friends if he were to be away too long.

And, of course, D was mad about his lost opportunity. He would have never admit it at that moment, but he felt guilty, too.

« You sure talk a lot and pretend you’re smart but, really, you’re just as stupid sometimes. »

The look in Logan’s eyes changed.

Oh no. Oh no no no no.

« Fine then. I’ll keep on being stupid on my own. » he walked away in a instant, steps long and furious, opposing the low tone of his voice, but matching the seething fire in his chest.

« D- »

« Please, don’t. » D looked at him with broken eyes. « I’m fine. We’re fine. I’ll see you during break, okay? »

Remus only nodded and headed to his own class. He pretended he didn’t feel awful as he walked by the door to Logan’s own class.

It was as D said. Fine.

Everything was going to be okay.

Except it wasn’t, because that was the last time both of them talked with Logan.

The two wouldn’t even look at each other and Remus couldn’t help but side with D. That meant he wouldn’t have interacted with the older boy either.

And so time passed … months. Avoiding each other when all you ever wanted was to share at least a single word.

It wasn’t okay. It wasn’t fine at all, it hurt so much and Remus didn’t know how longer he would have been able to handle it.

Yet, he was too afraid to do anything. He wouldn’t have wanted to loose D’s friendship too because of a reckless action. And he did lots of them. So, for once, he stayed put and let the Fates do their work.

Which ended into the fight remaining unresolved, Logan graduating from high-school and both of them never meeting him again.

Roman had tried to bring up the argument multiple times, but Remus had decided to bury everything deep down and avoid ever bringing it up.

Like a ghost, Logan appeared to exist only in his mind. A mind that he didn’t seem to want to leave. Even despite all that had been going down his ridiculously tough teenage life.

Remus and D had no idea how they made it through the final exams.

They also had no clue how they almost completely lost contact after the beginning of university.

Maybe it wasn’t loneliness he felt after that. Maybe it was more disappointment.

It wasn’t like it was anyone’s fault, though. Their lessons never matched, so during the week it was almost impossible to meet, sometimes they had jobs in the weekend to pay for apartments nearby their universities.

Texts became a burden they both forgot to remember to answer, it was as if anything was a priority to socializing and it was driving them insane.

Even sad.

Then one day, out of the blue, D had texted him in a way he hadn’t done in too long. He sounded greatly excited and he had told Remus he needed to meet him as soon as possible.

He had a surprise!

Remus was radiant that day, finally getting the chance he deserved to recover their friendship.

It was a Friday afternoon, he was walking down the street towards the place they had agreed on to meet.

D was right in front of him. But enough meters away so that he couldn’t recognize yet the person walking alongside him. Remus narrowed his eyes, almost squeezing them shut at some point. Did the sun have to be so bright right above them that day?

He put a hand on his forehead to shield his vision.

He wished he didn’t.

Not because the guy next to D was Logan.

Not because his heart made three somersaults before twisting one last time as though he fell in love all over again at once, hitting his chest like a violent wind in a snowstorm.

Not because he was smiling so wide his face would have fallen off any second.

But because, as his eyes focused and examined their figures, he noticed the details.

Like their joined hands, fingers intertwined the way he would have wanted to but had never been brave enough to do.

How they looked lovingly at each other before turning back to him.

His own smile faltering for a second and then going back as it was before. Normal, sure, but fake. Fake, but not blatant enough to be discovered.

He couldn’t do this to them.

And sure he was going to be happy for them right? They had been friends. He was going to survive by internalizing everything in himself, right? He was going to forget about all his feelings in favour of his closest friends. That was the right thing to do.

It happened to everyone.

It did.

He could survive.

Hurting in the process, but he could.

The day went by in an instant, a terrible, calamitous and painstakingly long instant in which he hoped he had been hallucinating all along.

Remus had wiped everything he had seen while on his way home. He forcefully removed any kind of thought in his head so he could bask in the numbness until the silent chaos of the world around him stopped making sense.

He threw the door to his home open.

Except that it wasn’t his home and that he had somehow gotten to Roman’s own apartment, red eyes adorning his face in a brutally doleful expression.

His brother was immediately at his side, arms wrapped around his chest, with an understanding look in his eyes and anticipation for the tears to come.

He had known about Logan and D getting together before Remus, so he had seen something like that coming.

Yet Roman didn’t know it would’ve hit him hard too, seeing his brother so broken.

So he let Remus cry his soul out, while nothing else could have been done.

Dreaming, perhaps.

That was all he had left.

[sims-and-pixels]

15 QUESTIONS TO TAG 15 PEOPLE

I was tagged by @batsfromwesteros and @historicalsimmer a while ago. Thank you both! :) this is long overdue, but oh well. This still seems fun to do!

1. Are you named after anyone?

Nope. My first name is Jara and it’s really uncommon in the Netherlands. The rest of my family members have rather normal names, ahah.

2. When was the last time you cried?

Time to discover my unhealthy emotional suppression :P I think the last time I cried was during a panic attack I had almost three years ago. I’ve been on the verge of tears only twice or maybe three times in the last 2 years, lol. (Compare me to a Victorian upper class man in terms of showing sadness and you’ll have a great representation of me, haha.)

3. Do you have kids?

I’m happy to say I don’t have kids. 17 is a bit too young, don’t you think ;)

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

When I’m with friends in real life, all. the. time. Not so much online, though. I’m always afraid people will think I’m being serious!

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Whether they can be trusted or not. I have a very strong gut instinct when it comes to a lot of things, and juding peoples’ reliability is one of those things. Whenever I’m around someone, I’ll either just feel fine, or feel like “they’re nice, but...”. (With very big red flags I’ll decide I’m going to keep a 2 metre distance from them at all times, haha.)

6. What’s your eye colour?

Dark blue, just like my grandpa’s.

7. Scary movie or happy ending?

Scary movie, I think. They’re usually less predictable, and I don’t find scary movies that scary at all?

8. Any special talent?

I think having a very strong gut feeling about lots of things counts as a “special” talent. Sometimes I can kind of predict the future, but only very vaguely? Like, I’ll know whether someone’s going to die or if they’ll survive something. It happens with trivial things too, though.

9. What country were you born in?

The Netherlands. Born and raised!

10. What are your hobbies?

Writing is my “main” hobby. No matter what hobby I pick up, I always manage to incorporate writing into it as well.

Aside from writing, I love: watching old TV shows and historical dramas, reading, playing the Sims (obviously), and baking. I also used to draw a lot!

11. Do you have any pets?

I have 4 cats: Puppy, Whiskers, Kiki, and Wolfje (Dutch for Little Wolf). I couldn’t live without them. That sounds dramatic, but I become very unhappy when I don’t have at least one cat around, ahah.

12. What sports do you play/have you played?

Sports. Yikes. Nowadays I try to walk for one hour and that’s it, but my mum wanted me to do sports when I was younger. Here’s a list of sports I did for about a year (or shorter):

Swimming, waterpolo, capoeira, rugby. I also tried gymnastics, ballet, and freerunning -- but I lasted only one lesson each, haha.

13. How tall are you?

173 cm. Or 171, depending on the time of day and how much I stretch ;)

14. Favourite subject(s) in school?

I’m homeschooled and get a lot of freedom in the subjects I choose, so everything I do for my favourite subjects is a bit different from regular schools: Dutch, English, and history.

15. Dream job?

I feel like I’m going to sound very old-fashioned when I say this, but honestly I just want to be a stay-at-home mum 😂 I have very limited energy when it comes to pretty much everything I do that isn’t at home and involves people who aren’t direct family. At the moment I can’t see myself working a full-time or even a part-time job. And as I’d also like to have children (and think they deserve a dependable parent who they can count on being home when they return from school), it seems like the perfect option! I don’t mind being financially dependant, because I value my mental and physical health more than having my own income.

I’m not tagging anyone, because I feel like this challenge has kind of died out already. But if you want to do this, please feel free!

[resilientmama]

Coping

Obviously I did not stick to my intended schedule. 

I got sick, Taylor has been sick, I started remodeling a bedroom in our home and I’ve been dealing with some emotional issues.

The deployment blues have been real. Thankfully we’ve gotten to see him at least once a week, but that is not nearly enough compared to the amount of time we’re going to be missing him in our home.

The amount of support I’ve gotten, publicly and privately, has been amazing. 

I appreciate everyone who’s reached out to me, especially those that have extended an apology for believing the slander without a backstory.

Veering back to my topic, coping.

My most asked question is how I possibly do this, day in and day out. Even though court has stopped for awhile and things are moderately calm, the alienation and aftermath of it are still with me and my husband every single day.

I think for the first six months I didn’t cope with anything. I just ignored it.

I gave birth to my son, Logan, almost exactly a month after my last court date. I just threw myself into being a new mom. I struggled with postpartum depression. And then that never went away. Finally I explained the last two years events to my psychiatrist and it was obvious no depression was caused from birthing my child. 

I was diagnosed with PTSD.

I know some people are going to say stating my medical diagnosis is idiotic. But its really not. Mental health is important. Its not something anyone should be ashamed for discussing or advocating for. 

I was abused, am still experiencing a long term abuse I don’t have control over, and I think everyone should be educated about it.

Everyone hears PTSD and associates it with current or former service members. But often victims of physical, emotional and sexual violence are who are affected by this disorder.

I do take medication for this, and it helps. I do have bad days. I have sad days. But talking about why I feel this way has helped me the most. 

What is PTSD like for me? 

Its fixation. One small thing could go bad in my day, like waking up late or forgetting to put the clothes in the dryer from the night before and I started beating myself up. This internal emotional abuse lead to fixation. I fixated on everything that’s happened, events that started in 2011 all the way to things that happened in 2018. The fixation was debilitating. I wouldn’t leave my house. I wouldn’t answer anyone’s phone calls. Taylor works out of state a majority of the time, and often we’re on opposite schedules. So the days I couldn’t talk to him, I would talk to no one. I found solace in revolving my life around Paxton and Logan. Thanks to the Life360 app it had been pointed out to me that sometimes I was going 5-6 days without even leaving my house. I had became a shell of a person. I was struggling in my college classes, sometimes dropping them for lack of motivation to even participate in online forums that were required. I hid from everyone.

I made myself sick.

I was either stone faced and silent, or viscous and hateful.

Then I saw a quote posted on Facebook. 

“Don’t judge others because they sin differently than you. God won’t be asking you about their sins, he’ll be asking about yours.”

I am by no means a religious person, but this quote spoke to my heart.

So I decided to make a change. I started talking. I refused to even say my alienated children’s names for the longest time. We removed all of their photos from our home, I cleaned out their room. I mourned my children like they had passed away. But I stepped away from my grief and started focusing on the good memories I had and the hope for a brighter future for all of us. 

I woke up one day with a different state of mind. I took baby steps. I started speaking more positively about myself and others. I didn’t wince when someone brought my children up to me in conversation. I started being friendly to everyone instead of shying away from even being acknowledged by anyone other than family and friends. 

I’ve been working diligently at this behavior for a few months now. And I can honestly say this is the closest to happiness that I have felt since the allegations started two years ago.

So what was the key to me coping? Not hiding anymore.

I started writing rough drafts for blog entries. I didn’t have the courage to publish them, but it was a start. 

When I got to the mental state that I felt all around healthy, I took this plunge. 

In my opinion, its one of the better decisions I’ve made.

I’ve hurt a lot of people during my grieving process. And I’m hoping those people see the things I write and maybe gain some insight as to why I treated them the way I did. I’m not seeking forgiveness via a public internet forum. The people I need are actively participating in my life, but maybe it will help the people who were active understand where things went wrong.

Just because I have made the conscious decision to change my state of mind from negative to positive does not mean I expect anyone else to follow suit. 

The reality of that not being possible has been shown to me, as recently as yesterday.

And this is my peace I have to speak on the matter.

I do not expect someone with their own issues and internal hurt within their heart to respect me for finally finding my voice. I don’t experience the individual day to day struggles that anyone reading my blog experiences. I didn’t believe life would turn to rainbows and butterflies the day I hit share on my Facebook. I do expect adult behavior. I expect to be able to share my story, share my healing and the things I am advocating for without being made fun of. If we focused more on improving our own lives and mental health, along with our children, we wouldn’t be swimming in this constant sea of toxicity. And not for one minute do I appreciate being made fun of on social media for doing something constructive and positive with myself after I was beat down by the same three individuals for two years straight. And if you have been a victim of parental alienation yourself, shame on you for participating in shaming the advocacy and awareness of something that does affect you daily. Things that happen in the dark will always be brought to the light. If the truth being told is an issue for anyone, don’t be a participant in immoral actions and you won’t feel the humiliation and guilt by association. Forgiveness is always an option, but you have to give to receive.

Thank you to anyone who is reading this. Watch for another post tonight on the subject of Malicious Mother Syndrome. And after many inquiries, I will begin telling you Taylor’s story next week. It’s going to take two posts yall!

Be positive, be happy, be loving.

WE ARE ALL WORTHY OF RESPECT AND BEING GENUINELY HAPPY.

[mr-mikey]

Oh boy, I’m finally getting around to my blue lions write up.

Overall I quite enjoyed the character arc based story of azure moon. I really enjoyed Dimitri’s empathetic nature and his softhearted beliefs. I really appreciate that he wants attempts to understand why House Gautier feels that it needs crests and the lance of ruin while not agreeing with the choice to disown Miklan on the basis of crests alone.

My mother suffered schizophrenia though her life, and seeing the worst parts of his issues brought back memories of what she had to deal with. I could see the ugly parts that sometimes reared it’s head growing up. Even while Dimitri was at his worst I still found myself agreeing with quite a few things he said. I could see Dimitri suffering from the same heavy guilt that my mum felt whenever she apologized for the things she’s said in the past. 

And once he recovered I could even see a similar kind of guilt in Dimitri that I had to deal with in the aftermath of my mum’s passing away. 

I also felt strongly drawn to Dimitri’s ‘Do you not believe in the power of the people to join together and rise up? Humans are weak creatures. But they are also creatures who help each other, support each other, and together, find the right path.’ speech. I only got through the pain of my mum passing because I received so much support from friend’s and family. I also lost a cousin who ended his own life while struggling to deal with drug issues. These kind of issues aren’t ones that can be solved by edelgard’s meritocracy policy since there’s no mention of what happens to those that don’t perform merit, while dimitri has seen people suffering first hand because of war and poverty first hand.

While I think there should have been more lead up to his recovery and perhaps a more solid mention of dealing with those who slither (I still laugh that Dimitri kills Arundel, Cornelia and more of those that slither at the end of the game than edelgard does), but overall I was quite happy with azure moon and I’ve become a fan of Dimitri and his ideals.

As for the blue lion’s cast:

Dedue: I liked him as a character and a unit. He was so useful earlygame as a wall and means to weaken enemies for other units to kill. I enjoyed seeing him call out Gilbert on his issues. I enjoyed his supports with Dimitri and how he feels about Faerghus and it’s culture along with Dimitri simply wanting to be friends with him. I chose to marry him and the S support was really sweet, I would recommend to anyone.

Felix: Strangely enough he was pretty heavily RNG-screwed compared to my use of him in my golden deer run. So he was easily my worst combat unit despite his reputation. I do like that he does play a role in criticizing Dimitri’s actions when he’s wrong but I also feel that Felix only made Dimitri’s issues worse until he understands that the charming prince and wild boar aren’t separate. I can’t help but feel that he should have done more to help dimitri since they are childhood friends.

Annette: She doesn’t interest me as much as the other blue lions but I still liked her. She was a decent combat unit but a lack of physic/rescue/three range magic spell held her back.

Mercedes: Oh she was great as a character, talking with dimitri about how long he’s been clinging to guilt, bringing up sylvain’s personal issues, being curious about dedue’s culture and duscur history. 

And I found this exchange to be very satisfying. I made her my dancer and she filled that role wonderfully along with physic ranged healing. She’s wonderful on many levels.

Ingrid: She was outright amazing unit for me and one of my best fighters. And while I know that people don’t like her attitude about Duscur I can understand why she feels that way plus I liked that she openly admitted to Dedue that her way of thinking was wrong and that Dedue should be calling more people out on their biases. I was also very fond of her supports with Mercedes and Annette  especially since Annette helped her understand it’s okay to loosen up and enjoy the things she wants to enjoy. So overall a great unit and a good character.

Ashe: My gosh he’s the purest ball of sunshine of the group. He has a reputation for bring strength screwed easily but putting him into wyvern rider helped fix that problem and he was just as good as Ingrid and Sylvain were for my run.

Sylvain: He was another fantastic fighter along with Ingrid and Ashe. I found his supports with ingrid, Dedue and Annette to be very good. And I loved his supports with Mercedes most of all. He’s got some messed up coping mechanism’s but I like and appreciate him. Despite his reckless attitude he does know what he’s doing when it comes to matters of protecting the general population.

For this run I recruited Ferdinand and Caspar out of the Eagles along with Hilda and Marianne from the Deer. I liked seeing Ferdie being able to criticize Edelgard and her methods while also saying that Dimitri has the potential to become a great king should he be able to make level headed choices.

I also LOVED the Dimitri and Marianne supports and I was so very happy to get this ending card.

I was hoping to get Felix’s and Annette’s ending, but their supports were nice enough that I was happy to get this instead.

These supports were so funny, Hilda managed to get Ferdie to do almost anything she wanted. XD

And these supports were pretty pure, I’m glad that they both got to follow their dreams.

Now last of all, I was super glad that Sylvain married Mercedes. I know that Sylvain has similar text no matter what path he’s in but I feel that by pursuing peaceful relations with the people of Sreng, he eliminates the need for the Lance of Ruin and the need for crests without needing to destroy the church or wage war on the entire continent.

I could even appreciate Edelgard on this route a bit more as an antagonist, even if she was really out of touch with some of the things she said; her line of ‘what would a noble like you understand of the suffering of the commonfolk’ did irritate me considering I had gotten dimitri’s askbox advice about the people he saw suffering in the slums.

I felt really happy seeing the blue lions ending painting because we see the soldiers helping give out food and supplies to the people while byleth and the church is listening to the requests of the people asking for assistance while dimitri is surrounded by orphans with a smile on his face. This really feels like a case where the strong are no longer trampling on the weak and are supporting them instead.

With Sylvain peacefully negotiating with Sreng, Dimitri and Dedue working to rectify what happened with Duscur and Claude on good terms with Dimitri once he returns I feel confident that the continent will have a peaceful future ahead of itself.

On a side note: the gronder field battle ruined me emotionally this time around. I had planned at first to only target Claude out of the deer and spare as many as possible, but they all followed claude and it got to a point that it wasn’t possible to take out claude without fighting the rest of the deer. In the end none of them survived the battle. ;_;

And that’s about all I have to say about azure moon for now. If other ideas come up I’ll probably just make edit’s to this post.\

EDIT: There is one thing I wanted to bring up. A lot of people consider Cyril an honorary golden deer member. But Cyril has a good friend in ashe and mercedes and I could see Dimitri accepting him easily. So I’m comfortable with saying that he could easily be an honorary member of the blue lions as well.

[mrlnsfrt]

Is This Love?

It is said that once in the old days in an Eastern city a poor old beggar, his body shrunken and sick and covered with sores was sent to one of the great hospitals, and after being there for some days, was taken to the operating room. In those days they did not have anesthesia, as they have now, and the patient could hear all the preparations for the ordeal. 

So before the surgeon began his work on this poor old wreck of a human being, he turned to the young medical students who were in attendance and using scholarly Latin, said to them, 

"Let's perform an experiment on this worthless body."

He thought his language wouldn't be understood, but this old beggar was once a great scholar himself. Although he had drifted away into liquor and sin, and had gone down the primrose path until he was just a wreck, he still understood Latin. So he lifted himself on one elbow there in the operating room and said, in perfect Latin,

"Yet for this worthless body, Jesus Christ has died. 

And so, what might often seem to us like a worthless body, a worthless person, a worthless, shattered, character; has infinite value. Because for this worthless one, this worthless life, Jesus Christ has died. And that puts an infinite worth on every human being. A human being is infinitely valuable, and this includes you.

Is this love?

But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. - Romans 5:8 New Living Translation

God’s love for us is beyond our ability to comprehend. I have heard some Christians even criticize those who they perceive to overemphasize God’s love towards us. But I often wonder how can we fail to talk about what the Bible itself emphasizes? The Bible is the story of God desiring to save humans. God initiated the process, God paid the price, God offers us the rewards for free.

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 6:23 English Standard Version

So I don’t think it is possible for anyone to ever talk too much about the love of God nor do I believe anyone will ever exhaust this topic. What I do wish to explore in this post is the ramifications the God’s love has and ought to have in the lives of the believers.

Is This Love?

Since God loves me even though I am imperfect. If Jesus died for me while I was still a sinner. How should this impact how I view myself? How much value does my life have? Imperfect as I may be, Jesus thought I was to die for. This should have a profound impact on how I think about myself, how I view myself and on how I feel about myself. After all Jesus tells us to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. I wonder how someone who hates herself could manage to love her neighbor.

"The second is this, 'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.' There is no other commandment greater than these." - Mark 12:31 New American Standard Bible

Here is another thing that came to mind as I was thinking about God’s great love for me. God cares much more about my heart than He does about my appearance.

But the LORD said to Samuel, “Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The LORD doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” - 1 Samuel 16:7 New Living Translation

What I find fascinating is how easy it is for us to care much more about our appearance than our hearts/character. After all, everyone can see my appearance and make a snap judgment. Only people who really know me well are aware of the content or quality of my character. But this also causes me to wonder. Why do I care more about the snap judgment of those who know me least, than about what those who know me best think about me.

Allow me to elaborate. My spouse, my kids, my family members, my closest friends, those who are in close contact with me, and/or those who are often in contact with me, have to deal with my character. They have to deal with my heart. My appearance matters less to them. If my tie is not perfectly straight or if part of my hair is a bit out of place, they will not think differently of me, because they have a knowledge of me that goes deeper than my appearance.

When I invest in my character, I am investing in those people who are closest to me, the ones I love most and who love me the most. When I am honest, dependable, loving, forgiving, kind, compassionate, those closest to me benefit the most. Although strangers will also benefit from those qualities. Also, those who admire you for your character, for your heart, will feel much more strongly about you then if their opinion of you was made up mostly due to your appearance.

Is This Love?

I have a daughter, she is 6 years old. I want to empower her. I want her to feel safe and confident in my love for her. I also want her to know that her heart, her character, matter much more than her appearance. I want her to invest her time, thoughts, and energy into developing who she is, and not waste time and money on improving merely her appearance. I don’t mean to say that her appearance does not matter. Appearances do matter, but I like to differentiate between accentuating natural beauty and modifications that end up being the equivalent of lies.

Smile, a smile looks good on you. Care for your body, keep it clean and healthy! You know what’s really good for your skin? Staying well hydrated. It is also great for your hair and eyes and nails. You know what looks great on you? A good night of sleep. Exercise, eating lots of fruits and veggies, all these things contribute to bringing your greatest potential to actuality. You become your better self when you invest in your health. Now I know it takes more effort, it takes more time, it won’t be a quick fix that you can do yourself after a short youtube tutorial.

I can see the appeal of just wanting buying precious metals and hanging them from new holes you perforated on your body. I can see how it is much faster to paint your face than to make the effort to change your lifestyle. I can understand how immediately looking healthier can be more appealing than the long journey to a healthier you. So you can choose to buy the precious metals to hang from your body, you can paint your face, and you can look different. But you are still the same, and at some point you will have to remove those things, and does your identity hold when all those things are removed? Have you learned to accept and love yourself? Or do you feel the need to cover up, hide, mask, distract, in order to have the courage to face the world?

I want my daughter to know that her natural beauty is more than enough. That the color and texture of her hair is just fine. the shape of her eyes, the color of her eyes, the length of her eyelashes, the shape of her nose and chin, are all fine. She is of infinite value. Her value is not connected to her appearance but rather to her character. She is of great value because Jesus died for her. People love her because of who she is. She can be brave, and kind, and refuse to give up, and these qualities add to who she is. These qualities make up who she is, as opposed to cosmetics that cause her to hide and contribute to her becoming unsure and unhappy with her natural self. I want her to be confident in who she is in Jesus and not how well she compares to arbitrary and unrealistic standards of physical beauty.

There’s a recent article by Samantha Murphy Kelly, posted on CNN Business entitled “Plastic surgery inspired by filters and photo editing apps isn't going away.” On this article she discusses how an increasing number of people have an unrealistic obsession with correcting subjective flaws. This article also points out how people continue to make more unnecessary changes to their appearance which may cause them to lose perspective of what they really look like.

Some, like public relations executive Karla Barbosa, are proudly embracing the concept. She recently broadcast her treatment of a gold microinfusion facial -- a procedure that uses small needles to reduce the size of pores and with the intention of making the skin look airbrushed -- to her more than 31,000 followers.

"It's like a real-life filter for your face," she captioned the clip. "Seriously. GLASS SKIN." As Barbosa explained to CNN Business, "If you want to tweak a photo a bit more to feel a bit more confident ... or get a facial or botox filler to make you feel more confident ... that's up to the person and how they feel." - CNN Business

Self-acceptance

In order for me to properly love myself, I need to came to terms with who I am. Not trying to hide, not trying to make superficial changes, but seeing myself for who I am and accepting reality. The challenge is that not only is there a temptation regarding my appearance, there are also many things regarding my character, my heart, who I am at my core that I dislike. When I take time to examine myself it becomes clear to me that I disappoint myself much more often than I could possibly disappoint anyone else. My natural tendency is to refuse to forgive myself, refuse to accept myself, and demand that I improve myself. “I will grab my own bootstraps and lift myself out of this mess.” In this process, which is doomed to fail, I also alienate those around me, I push people away because they too are flawed, they too need to improve and so I push my personal unhappiness upon them, lest they experience joy in their current state of imperfection.

So I turn to self-help books, apps, gadgets, gismos, possessions, substances, surgical procedures and anything else that promises me a quick fix and that will help me feel better or stop caring, even if just briefly. But I do not feel comfortable turning to Jesus. Because when I cannot accept myself, I become almost angry at Him for accepting someone so pitiable as myself. How could anyone love me? And so I begin to doubt even the gospel.

Forgiven much = love much

When I realize who I really am, God’s love grows exponentially. God’s grace becomes even more amazing. When I realize that Jesus died for me, the worst sinner of them all. It changes everything!

This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it: “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners”—and I am the worst of them all. - 1 Timothy 1:15 New Living Translation

I realize how terrible I am, and that Jesus died for me and suddenly I feel deeper love and appreciation and amazement at God. I feel like singing praises to God. I desire to spend time with Him. I want to pray. I want to study the Bible. I want to share with others.

There is a story found in Luke 7:36-50 that illustrates this. I strongly recommend reading the whole story but main idea is found in verse 47.

Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.”  - Luke 7:47 ESV

The insight I gained from this story is that as we become aware of our sins, our imperfections, all the times we fall short of the glory of God, we also experience greater love for God for His love and willingness to forgive us. When I am hiding my sins and blaming others for my shortcomings I feel like a pretty good person. I feel like it should not be too difficult for God to save me. I compare myself with those around me and feel superior. I build an armor based on works and refuse to truly examine myself. I stop confessing sins because doing so makes me feel vulnerable. I prefer to live a superficial life that looks Christian from a distance, but I refuse to delve into the vulnerability and messiness that true dedication to Christ demands. Looking at myself without the “makeup,” without the “jewelry,” (literal or symbolic) is painfully humbling, but on the other side of it is a deeper more authentic walk with Christ and the true experience of salvation. Not based on anything I do, but wholly dependent on what Christ did and does for me.

Is this love?

Out of this authentic experience with Christ and His great love for me comes a deep desire to serve Him and demonstrate my love for Him.

If you love Me, you will keep My commandments. - John 14:15 Berean Literal Bible

Finally, I find myself serving God out of a deep and sincere desire to do so. Not out of fear, not only out of a sense or responsibility and duty, but out of a joyful, grateful, thankful heart. I find myself obeying because I love and not because I fear. I want to do my absolute best, I want to go further, I want o to do more, out of love. I fall in love with Christ and it changes absolutely everything in my life.

Now I face life from a place of deep love for Jesus, ready and willing to love my neighbor as myself. I am finally willing to be vulnerable for the sake of the gospel, because when I am weak, then I am strong.

Therefore I am content with weaknesses, with insults, with troubles, with persecutions and difficulties for the sake of Christ, for whenever I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:10 NET Bible

[luckyjak]

fic: Declaration of Intent (1/5)

“Then it’s settled,” Caleb beamed, pleased with his own cleverness. “We’ve got to find you a husband, before your mother finds you a wife.”

Essik has a problem; Caleb has a solution. Both of them are so good at pretending that their hearts may never recover. 

[The Caleb-and-Essik-Fake-Dating/Fake-Engaged-fic you didn’t know you wanted. Shadowgast. Canon-compliant as of episode 63 but probably won't be for long.]

a/n: This is like, the opposite of a slow burn. This is a fast burn: two characters who get together way too quickly and are way too intimate with each before their feelings can catch up.

The rating may also go up as the story progresses, but I don't want to promise something and not follow through on it.

AO3 Link

There was something wrong with the Shadowhand.

It was subtle; from the outside, the man was as composed and as polished as ever. But Caleb had been spending a lot of time with him, and Caleb was nothing if not observant. He was sharper, more critical than Caleb had ever known Essik to be, and while practicing dunamancy was normally one of Caleb’s favorite activities, the afternoon had made it something of a chore. It was in the way Essik moved: his spellwork was...strained, and his concentration waned. He was irritable, and nothing Caleb could do seemed to help ease the irritability, no matter how flawlessly and fast Caleb learned. They had been at this particular spell for hours, and it was beginning to become a problem that would reach a boiling point soon.

“No no no, you are doing it wrong!” Essik snapped, for the fourth time this afternoon. He ran one hand through his cropped hair and the other along the spellbook, tracing arcane ruins with long fingers. “The pronunciation is el-sol-la-de , not el-sal-la-de , you--”

Caleb snapped back. “I would have done that if you said so earlier instead of just handing me a book written in Undercommon and expecting me to just 'figure it out'--”

“I don’t expect you to just figure it out, I expect you to use your brilliantly gifted mind and--” Essik stopped mid-sentence and rubbed his face with his hand, his eyes scrunched shut. He took a deep breath before speaking again. “I’m sorry. I am being unkind.”

You think? Caleb thought, but didn’t say out loud. Instead, he merely nodded in agreement; Essik had been uncharacteristically unkind towards him all afternoon.

“Perhaps we should take a break. I’ve been pushing you hard, and it’s not your fault. Dunamancy is a difficult school of magic to learn even on the best days, and we’ve been going at it for hours now,”  The gentleman moved to sit down on the couch in the library/lab, and he gestured for Caleb to follow.

They sat together in quiet stillness for a moment; Essik stared out of the window, lost in his own thoughts, and Caleb stared at Essik. The other man was tired, Caleb realized, and clearly stressed about something, but what the young wizard couldn’t hazard to guess.

“You have been off all day,” Caleb broke the silence, sitting down next to the drow on the opposite end of the couch. “Is everything alright?”

Essik brushed him off immediately. “It is a personal matter. I should not allow it to interfere with my work.”

“What bothers you so?” Caleb tried again, his curiosity peaked. It wasn’t often that he saw the Shadowhand as raddled as much as he was.  Essik stopped, his face scrunched in hesitation, which made Caleb wince in sympathy. “If it’s too personal, you do not have to--”

“No,” the drow shook his head. “I should talk to someone about it. And you are a neutral party, from a different culture. Perhaps you could advise me in ways others could not.”

Caleb bowed his head slightly.  “I’ll do my best.”

“Right. I, uh,” the Shadowhand stumbled with his words uncharacteristically, stilling looking not at Caleb but at the dark window, as if it might hold the answer he was looking for. “I’m getting married.”

Oh .  That was unexpected.  “Congratulations?” He said, hesitantly. The thought of Essik getting married was...unanticipated.

Of course Essik would be getting married, Caleb thought with uneasy queasiness. He was a powerful, beautiful young man, with an important career and a lot of political influence. Of course he would have caught the attention of someone special, somebody young and beautiful, somebody not at all like Caleb.

“It is not my choice,” Essik bit his lip, turning his attention away from the window and looking at Caleb’s face once more. “You know I am--young, right? Not compared to you and your kind, but in elvish terms I am barely grown,” Caleb nodded in agreement. It was difficult to comprehend 200 years old as a young person, but when a species lived to be in the thousands, it was easier to acknowledge. “I’ve accomplished a lot in my short life, which is made even more impressive given that my soul is not consecrated, and this is only my first life. But, ah, my amille , my mother, she, ah, thinks I need to wed. For the good of House Theylas.”  The drow shook his head in disagreement. “She’s arranged for me to meet with and betrothed myself to a young woman from Den Olios, and I--I do not wish to.”

“Because you do not like this young woman?” Caleb venture a guess.

“Because I do not like any women,” Essik’s face flushed a darker purple, and he hid his face in his hands. “For a woman who has lived 800 years and three separate lifetimes, you’d think my mother would understand that!”

“Ah,” Caleb winced in sympathy. “Admittedly, I still do not know much about your culture. Is such a thing frowned upon?”

He wanted to ask Essik, since he apparently didn’t like women, if preferred the company of men, but he didn’t want to assume. For all Caleb knew, the Shadowhand was like Caduceus, and didn’t want to be with anyone, no matter their gender. A small part of Caleb--a part he didn’t like to acknowledge--rather hoped that the Shadowhand did prefer men.

Men like Caleb, even, although that part remained wisely unsaid.

He also wondered if Essik’s face would always be such a delightful shade of dark purple. “It’s not frowned upon. Ah, we are a reincarnation society, right? So sometimes a pair of veru come back the same gender as before, or different. My father, he was a man when he married my mother, but when he was reborn he came back as a woman. She and my mother are no longer together, because they never vowed atemay , but they could be together if they wanted to, yes? It doesn’t matter that they are both women.”

Caleb cocked an eyebrow. “But it matters that you don’t wish to marry a woman?”

Essik sighed. “It--it does. It’s--it’s important for there to be children, yes? Especially in powerful dens, there needs to be heirs, because we reincarnate. Because I am the highest ranking member of my family, I’m considered Den Theylas’s heir, despite being my mother’s youngest child.”

It was starting to make sense to Caleb. “Because you are the Shadowhand.”

“Because I am the Shadowhand,” Essik repeated with a groan, leaning over to place his head in his hands. “I could--I could solve everything if I just stopped being the Shadowhand. My sister Meela would be my mother’s heir then, and Meela is already married with two children.”

That sounded like a terrible solution to Caleb. “But you don’t want to stop being the Shadowhand.”

“I love my job,” Essik agreed, with a pained expression. “What I do is important, to the Dynasty, to the Bright Queen, and to the study of dunamancy. I would hate to leave it.”

The thought was curious, however. “What would you do then, if you weren’t the Shadowhand?”

“I don’t know,” Essik answered honestly. “It wouldn’t be this, though,” he gestured around the room to where he and Caleb had spent most of the afternoon training and studying. A lump began to form in the back of Caleb’s throat at the thought of what Essik was implying: if Essik was no longer the Shadowhand, he would not be the person assigned to watch over and guide the Mighty Nein. Someone else would take his place.

Caleb tried to imagine somebody else in Essik’s role as their guide. In his mind, he pictured someone who would be less kind to their diverse group of adventurers. Someone who might have a problem with the fact that they planted a giant tree on the roof, or someone who would take issue with the fact that Caleb and Beau were humans. Someone who wouldn’t teach him dunamancy, and someone who wouldn’t be nearly as amused as Essik often was at their antics.

Someone less attractive, almost certainly, and that was reason enough for Caleb to protest. “Well, we cannot have that, then.”

“But I don’t know what else to do ,” Essik sighed, his head hung down low. “My mother is the Den Mother for all of Den Theylas. She’s an incredibly powerful Warlock and an uncanny politician. More importantly, she’s very good at getting what she wants, and she’s been trying to arrange a marriage for me for years. I’ve outsmarted her before, but I don’t know...I don’t know how to get out of it, this time.”

Caleb leaned over closer to Essik, so that his knee was barely brushing against Essik’s. “Is there anyone else you could get help from? Would the Bright Queen assist you in any way, if you appealed to her? You serve on her Council--surely that must account for something.”

“The Bright Queen and my mother have been friends since before I was born,” Essik shook his head. “If I went to her with this, she would side with my mother, and then I’d really have no hope. The Bright Queen’s word is law.”

“Could you suggest an alternate partner? Maybe the young lady from Den Olias has a brother?”

“She doesn’t, I’ve already looked. And if my mother is the one doing the arranging, then all she will care about is me having an heirs,” Essik rubbed his wrist with concern. “Which means a--a lady, a wife.”

“Which you don’t want.”

“I prefer men,” Essik confessed, and Caleb stomach flipped a bit happily. He had assumed, given Essik’s dilemma, but it was still nice to know he and the Shadowhand had that in common. “Sexually. Romantically. I don’t dislike women. But I cannot imagine myself ever being in a relationship with one. At least happily.”

It was a shame, too, because Essik was quite handsome, in Caleb’s opinion. It would be a terrible waste: Essik, with his beautiful smile and sharp chin, trapped in a loveless marriage, forced to spend--however obscenely long it was that drow lived for--with a woman he didn’t know and didn’t love.

At least if the girl in question were human, he’d only have to wait less than a tenth of his lifespan.

Oh.

A surge of brilliance struck through Caleb as an idea slowly began to take form. “What if you were already promised to another?”

That caught Essik’s attention. “How do you mean?”

“Could your mother marry you off if you were already engaged to someone else?” Caleb asked, his knees brushing against Essik’s on the couch.

Essik paused, his mouth frowning. “No--I, no, she couldn’t. Don’t get me wrong, polyamory is a thing here,” Good to know. “But once a bond has been established, no one outside of the bond can decide to extend it, no matter how much influence they may have.”

“Then it’s settled,” Caleb beamed, pleased with his own cleverness. “We’ve got to find you a husband, before your mother finds you a wife.”

Essik smiled at him softly, but it was not the overjoyed ‘ah, Caleb, you are so terribly brilliant’ smile Caleb had hoped it would be. “I wish it were that simple,” Essik shook his head. “But my mother is crafty . She will want to interrogate whoever I’ve chosen to marry, and she would have to approve of the match in order for it to go through. And I have,” he looked outside of the window at the dark day out there, “very little time to find someone.”

Caleb raised an eyebrow at Essik. “Would your mother ever accept a human?”

“You can’t be serious,” Essik breathed, catching on with the finer, unsaid aspects of Caleb’s plan.

“Why not?” Caleb shrugged. “We work well together. Better yet, we can convince the rest of the Nein to collaborate with our story. No one will argue too much with the Heroes of the Dynasty, no?” The red head leaned back on the couch, stretching slightly. “I have no other prospects for the moment. And I live a much shorter lifespan than you.”

“You are serious,” Essik’s eyes grew impossibly wider. “Widogast, that’s insane.”

“Why?”

“ Why?   Lots of reasons!” The drow exclaimed, jumping up from the couch so he could pace the room. “We barely know each other! We’re--we’re from different worlds , two different countries, different cultures, different races--we can’t--we couldn’t possibly convince my mother that we were lovers, much less engaged! I’ve known you less than a month!”

“People do crazy things all the time, especially when they are in love,” Caleb smirked at his teacher. “Haven’t you ever been in love before?”

The Shadowhand turned to glare at him with his arms crossed. “I’m a little less than two hundred years old. What do you think?”

Caleb thought a lot of different things, and could have said as much, but he didn’t. Instead, he stood up and walked closer towards Essik. “It’s just a con, you know? Just a bunch of lies told together, to tell a semi-plausible story.” He stepped even closer towards Essik, until the two of them were face to face. It might’ve just been the atmosphere of their conversation, but Caleb felt taller than Essik for once. “You mean to tell me that you, Essik Theylas, Shadowhand of the Bright Queen, spymaster of the Dynasty, have problems lying?”

Essik flung his arms apart, poking Caleb in the chest.  “It’s not my ability to lie that concerns me, Widogast. It’s yours .”

Caleb couldn’t help but chuckle. “Believe it or not, Shadowhand, but I’m quite an experienced con-artist. Nott and I used to run a con similar to this back before we joined up with the rest of the Nein, actually.”

Essik raised an eyebrow. “You and the little goblin girl used to pretend to be married for an extensive period of time?”

“Well, it wasn’t exactly the same,” Caleb blushed, stretching the back of his head. “ I--I, uh, pretended to be her father, actually.”

“Ah. And how did that go?” Essik looked a little impressed, though still a bit skeptical.

“It worked, for a while. Better in some towns than others. Made a decent amount of money at it.  Kept us fed and dry. Certainly worked longer than this particular con would need to.”

Essik shook his head, turning away from Caleb and staring down at his feet. For a moment, Caleb had the strangest thought that the man was about to leave , just walk out of the Xhorhouse and never come back.  But he didn’t. Instead, he turned back to face Caleb, his expression cold and methodical, as if their conversation was a game, and he needed to think 2000 steps ahead of Caleb in order to win.

“And what, exactly, do you get out of this, Caleb Widogast? I doubt you are willing to help me this much out of the kindness of your heart.”

Caleb shrugged. “I figure the Shadowhand of the Dynasty owing me a favor is a good thing to have.”

“None of that,” Essik snapped, stepping closer to Caleb. “I don’t play those games. Be specific about what you want, or stop wasting my time.”

Damn . Caleb had hoped to get by with a favor. A favor could be anything; a favor was negotiable, depending upon what the party in question was asking for.

Well, he’d just have to make due, then. He stepped closer to Essik, until the two gentlemen were face to face, merely breaths apart. “I figure as your husband, I might have access to your spellbook,” Caleb breathed, his face inches from Essik’s own. “You know. What’s mine is yours and all that.”

“Absolutely not,” Essik’s face flushed with what was quickly becoming Caleb’s favorite shade of dark purple. “I have some very powerful, very confidential spells--I could never just give you my spellbook.”

“But you could let me look at the rest,” Caleb gave a counteroffer. “Hide the confidential parts, and let me study at my leisure.”

The drow took a step back away from him, lost in his own thoughts. Caleb could tell he was considering the idea, and he tried not the get too giddy at the prospect.

Conversing with Essik like this was...exhilarating, in a way nothing in his life had been since he had been at the Academy. He had missed this, he realized suddenly. Verbally sparring with someone of equal intelligence was a game he had forgotten he missed.

It reminded him of how he used to talk with Astrid, actually. But that was a thought to analyze at a different time.

“Or you could get married,” Caleb teased, perhaps a bit mean, his thoughts returning from his former flame. He turned away from Essik, running his hand along the table in the center of the room, taking his time as he spoke. He could be terribly patient when he needed to. “You know, if the lady from Den Olios looks anything like the Den Mother Zethris, she’ll be quite beautiful. You’ll have that to work in your favor at leas--”

“The whole book,” Essik interrupted, stretching out his hand for Caleb to take. “Minus the confidential parts. And only while I’m around for you to copy it.”

Caleb grinned, and shook his hand firmly. “It’s a deal, then.”

“And if you blow yourself up with time magic, well, that’s just one less thing for me to worry about,” Essik grimaced, letting go of Caleb’s hand. He turned his back on Caleb, turning towards the table in the center of the room, with spellbooks and scrolls still opened up to various different dunamantic spells. Methodically, Essik began packing up, putting each book and scroll back in it’s case.

“It wouldn’t have to be real, you know,” Caleb offered, his voice quiet as he followed the drow around the room. “The Mighty Nein, we are planning to leave for a bit anyway. Have an errand to run in Nicodranas. You could try and find a legitimate partner while I’m gone, and we could, ah, break up when I return,” Caleb seemed unbothered by the prospect. “Or you said it yourself, that polyamory is a thing here. If you found another whose company you preferred, I would not be opposed. Or we could separate, after a time. When you thought it was safe,” Essik didn’t answer him.

Caleb watched Essik as he meticulously placed several books back into his bag, seemingly intent on ignoring Caleb. “That is a thing here, right? Divorce?” Caleb asked with genuine curiosity. If it wasn’t, perhaps that would be why Essik was so hesitant. “When two married people don’t want to be together anymore, they can separate legally?”

“We call it annulment, but yes, that’s a thing here,” Essik paused his packing momentarily to look back at Caleb. “It’s not terribly common, but it does exist. It--it wouldn’t be out of the question for me to seek an annulment.”

“Then perfect!” Caleb beamed, clapping his hands together. “We get married, you let me copy your spellbook, your mother gives up on finding you the perfect bride, and then we go our separate ways as friends and--”

Essik kissed him.

It was strange, being kissed by Essik. Sure, the drow man was incredibly attractive, but Caleb hadn’t thought to ever do anything about that, beyond a nighttime fantasy or two. What started as a simple press of lips quickly grew more passionate, as Caleb opened his mouth, and Essik opened his. Caleb was pushed with his back up against the table, as Essik had one hand flat against the table and the other crawling across the length of Caleb’s back. Caleb kept his hands pressed in the space between Essik’s neck and jawline, fingers tracing upwards towards white hair and pointed ears.

Essik kissed Caleb the same way lightning came with a storm, sudden and unexpected, a hot surge of energy radiating against Caleb’s skin. Caleb felt like his entire body was on fire; each place the drow kissed or touched left smoldering in its absence.

He didn’t know how long they kissed for. But they had to breathe at some point. Essik pulled away slow, then rested his forehead against Caleb’s own. “Well. That was nice.”

“Were you concerned?” Caleb asked, catching his breath, his back made uncomfortable by the way the table was digging into it, but unwilling to move any farther out of Essik’s embrace.

“Of course. I had to make sure we were compatible in that way,” Essik was teasing him, although it was hard to tell based on how serious his voice sounded. “For all I knew, you were a bad kisser. I couldn’t marry you if you were a bad kisser.”

“Hmm, well,” Caleb grinned, licking his lips where Essik’s had been moments ago. “Glad I passed the test.”

Essik smiled at him, a little coyly, and then kissed Caleb on the forehead. “I would not ask anything of you that you would be unwilling to do.” The drow promised, both of his hands on Caleb’s cheeks. “But my mother has a soft heart. If she thought I genuinely loved someone, she would support me, no matter who they were. We--we would need to convince her that we were in love, though.”

More kisses then. In public, where people could see. Certainly, there were worse things than kissing a handsome man in public. Caleb nodded, and bit his lip at the thought of kissing Essik again. “Ja. I can do that.”

“And--drow society is not always kind to outsiders,” he ran one hand down the side of Caleb’s face. “You would-- I would expect my cousins to be better people, but I cannot promise that they would not be unkind to you. There would be--rumors and gossip, always . My immediate family in particular may not be warm or friendly, especially at first.”

“It is nothing worse than what I have already endured,” Caleb confessed. Given everything he had already lived through, he could handle a few gossiping tongues. “And you are teaching me dunamancy. I feel it is only fair for me to help you given how you have helped me.”

Essik smiled, reaching out and taking Caleb’s hand into his own. “Your hand in marriage, in exchange for dunamacy lessons?”

Caleb rolled his eyes. “Well, when you put it that way--”

“I am being serious,” Essik said softly.  “You don’t know how much this means to me. You,” he stopped and squeezed Caleb’s hand. “If this works, you’ll have saved my life.”

Caleb could tell he meant those words. Whether that meant Essik would have ended his own life to avoid a loveless marriage, or if he just meant that his life wouldn’t have been worth living, Caleb couldn’t tell.

“It’s the right thing to do,” Caleb whispered.  “I don’t--I am not always the best at realizing what that is at times, but I know this is right. I would want someone to do the same for me, if I were in your shoes.”

Essik kissed him again, softly this time, and he pulled away far quicker than Caleb would have liked. Instead, he took Caleb’s hands and brought them to his lips, kissing both hands, one, and then the other. “You bring me honor by considering me as a partner.”

His words sounded solemn, like those of a vow, but Caleb didn’t know the context beyond that. It felt important, however, so Caleb remained silent, and let Essik speak. “I promise you loyalty, first to my Den, of which you will become a part, then to my Dynasty, and lastly to our line, that it may be prosperous. I promise you hearth and health, for as long as I am able to provide it, and that you may always have a home in Den Theylas, no matter what life you take on next. Above all, I promise to be your partner, in life and in love, through failure, sorrow, triumph, and joy, so long as you should have me as your husband,” Essik’s face glowed slightly. He then took off his cloth belt, and wrapped the fabric tightly around Caleb’s right wrist.

They were quiet for a moment as Caleb admired the newfound cloth bound tightly along his wrist. It was dark in color, like most of the clothes Essik wore, but it was silk, a nice fabric, and there was a recognizable emblem of Den Theylas sewed on it. The wrapping was tight, but not uncomfortable, and in hindsight, Caleb had seen others with their wrists bound like this that he had passed on the street.   It’s like a ring, he thought, and felt his cheeks color. “I don’t know what to say.”

“ Yes is the preferred answer, given that this was your idea,” Essik kissed his clothed hand again.

“Yes, then.”

“I imagine the Empire has a slightly different traditional proposal?”

“It’s much simpler,” Caleb felt his face flush. “But, ah, seems less romantic in comparison.”

“What’s it like?” Essik asked with curiosity, and Caleb recognized the gleam of someone who wanted to learn as a kindred spirit.

He knelt down on one knee before Essik, taking the other man’s hand into his own. “Will you marry me?” He asked, fully aware of how red his face was. Essik didn’t seem to mind, as he was still smiling at Caleb.

“Oh, much simpler,” the drow grinned, squeezing Caleb’s hand. “Yes.”

“Traditionally, I’d have a ring, too, but you caught me a bit off-guard.”

“Any ring?” Essik asked, taking one off his fingers and offering it to Caleb, who was still kneeling.

“ Nein , not quite,” Caleb laughed, putting the gold ring back on Essik’s hand, the mimicry of an actual proposal. “It should be something we pick out together.”  He stood up and kissed Essik again, softly and quickly, the way he might’ve if he had actually proposed to someone.

For a moment, he imagined that it was real. That he and Essik had fallen deeply, madly in love, in such a short time that they’d known each other, and decided tonight to promise themselves to each other. He could picture it, easily. The drow shly inviting him to dinner, late one evening after a long day of dunamancy practice. After an evening of witty banter and stimulating intellectual arguments, they’d retire to Essik’s private library, where the Shadowhand would try to impress him with his collection. But for once in his life, Caleb would be more distracted by his partner than he would be the collection of books. They’d kiss then in the library, hesitant at first but growing until the late hour demanded Caleb return to the Xhorhouse, alone but gifted with an overactive imagination and the promise of a second date.

After that, their relationship would move quickly; soft, hesitant kisses exchanged for evenings spent in one another’s bedchambers. When they were exhausted, they’d trade stories and secrets to one another. In his mind, Essik accepted every dark thing Caleb had ever done, and promised to help him figure out the dunamatic magic he needed to achieve his goals.

The Mighty Nein would love him; hell, the Mighty Nein already liked Essik, a lot. He was the first invited guest into their home, and Caleb imagined that it would not take much to invite him into the fold, the way they had done with Yeza. He would get teased, of course; “Cay-leb has a boy-friend~” Jester would sing, and Caleb would blush, but Essik would be beside him, squeezing his hand gently, and it would be worth it.

It just made Caleb wish the fantasy were real , that’s all.

“I suppose the only thing left to do is to tell the family,” Caleb smiled, shaking himself out of his daydream. “Mine and yours.”

“Tomorrow night,” Essik promised, suddenly solemn. “My Den is having a gathering tomorrow night. I--if you would do me the honor of escorting me, I thought we could make the announcement there. And you could meet my family, such as they are.”

“We need to talk more before then,” Caleb agreed, leaning down to lace his fingers with Essik’s. “Get our story straight, decide on what we want to tell them. It will be easier if we go in with a plan.”

“I’d love to,” Essik let go of his hand. “But not right this second. We’re hardly alone right now, darling.”

Caleb hadn’t noticed, but at some point in the past few minutes, Yeza Brenatto had opened the door to the library, and was staring at them sheepishly.

“So, you and Essik are getting married?”

“Ja.”

“But not for real?”

“Only...sort of for real?” Caleb shrugged, leaning back against the wall of the War Room. “It’s so Essik doesn’t have to go through with an arranged marriage.”

“Are you in love?”  Jester asked, teasingly.

“If anyone asks, yes.” Caleb winked at her, conspiring. “We are trying to make it look convincing.”

“Because Essik’s mother is terrible?” Beau added. “And doesn’t want him to marry a boy?”

“She wants him to have children, yes. Whether she takes issue to him marrying a boy specifically, that I do not know.”

“That’s real shitty of her,” Beau practiced punching her fist into her palm.

Caleb nodded. “I agree. It’s part of why I’m helping him.”

“Do you even like boys?” Fjord asked, with genuine curiosity in his voice. “I’ve never known you to flirt with... hell , anybody, really.”

“I like boys,” Caleb confessed. “And girls. Generally, I like pretty people. I am not terribly picky when it comes to partners.”

“That’s what Molly used to say,” Yasha smiled sadly.

“Well, he was a smart person.” And a pretty one, Caleb thought but didn’t add.

“But you used to have a girlfriend.” Nott accused him.

He didn’t particularly want to talk about Astrid again. “And now I have a boyfriend. Husband. Fiance. Whatever,” Caleb waved them off. “We’re just pretending, anyway.”

“Cause Essik’s mom is a huge homophobe and we’re not about that?” Beau grinned, spinning around in her chair. “I’m into this plan.”

“Your involvement in this plan is minuscule.”

“Still into it.”

“Well, I’m happy for you, Mr. Caleb,” Caduceus smiled into his cup of tea. “I think you and Essik will make each other real happy.”

Caleb frowned at the firbolg. “We, ah, we are only pretending to be a couple, Mr. Clay.”

“Real happy,” Caduceus repeated, and with such seriousness that Caleb wondered if he spoke the truth, or if he knew something about the future that Caleb didn’t.

Yeza raised his hand in the air like a well-trained student, unlike the rest of the Mighty Nein who had talked all at once all over each other. “Mr. Caleb, sorry, but I have a question. Wouldn’t it be better for Mr. Essik to marry both Lady Olios and yourself? You said polyamory was a thing,” he shot a look that Caleb didn’t follow towards Nott. “Wouldn’t that solve the problem better? Then his mother wouldn’t be angry.”

“I believe that he doesn’t want to do that, so we’re not going to. But it’s a good suggestion if everything goes to shit.”

“Follow up question,” Beau raised her hand, mimicking Yeza. “Is Lady Olios hot, and can Essik introduce me to her?”

Caleb sighed. “ Beauregard.”

He didn’t get the chance to chastise her further. There was a knock on the door that then opened, revealing a slightly flustered Essik. “Sorry. I know I said I was leaving, and I am , but I had a thought,” he smiled at Caleb warmly, and walked over and kissed his cheek. “Hi babe.”

Caleb winced. “ Nein . I hate it.”

“Honey?” Essik tried instead while Jester cooed at them.

“Even worse.”

“Alright. No pet names,” Essik shrugged. “I just wanted to know, do you happen to have a cloth of some sort? Something with your family’s sigil on it? It should really have your den’s emblem on it, but I was under the impression the Empire didn’t really have Dens like the Dynasty does.”

“Ah,” Caleb looked down at his Essik’s bare wrist. “For your wrist, I assume.”

Essik raised an eyebrow. “To show that I am promised to another, yes.”

“I thought we weren’t meeting your family until tomorrow night.”

“We aren’t. But I thought wearing a band now would start the rumors going at least.”

Caleb didn’t look up from the floor, feeling his cheeks burn red, as they had so often in the drow’s presence. “I, uh, I do not have a family, Essik. So I do not have any sort of cloth with my family’s insignia on it. I don’t--”

“He has a clan, though,” Fjord interrupted him unexpectedly, standing tall. “ Us . The Mighty Nein. Would that work?”

Caleb felt a surge of pride rush up into his chest. He may not have a family anymore, but he had the Nein, and that was--that was something.

Essik raised a curious eyebrow. “Do you have a cloth with the Nein’s insignia on it?”

The seven individuals (plus Yeza) who made up the the Mighty Nein all shared a look. “Not right now,” Yasha spoke first. “But I can sew.”

That was a little unexpected, but the barbarian was full of many hidden talents.

“So can I!” Jester added.

“Excellent!” Essik beamed. “It doesn’t have to be large. About yea big. You can use mine as an example,” he held up Caleb’s wrist to show the band off, his thumb placing emphasis on the emblem of Den Theylas. “The important part is that people will see it and recognize that I’m being courted by a member of your Den.”

Jester and Yasha shared a look. “We can come up with something, Caleb!” Jester offered excitedly. “That way Essik has something to wear to show off the fact that he loves you and totally wants to be your husband and that you guys are going to get married and adopt like, all of the babies, and--”

Caleb held his hand up to cover his eyes. “Jester, there can be no dicks on it.”

(“What.” Essik asked with disbelief, his eyes going from his pretend fiance to Jester and back again. “ What?”)

The tiefling immediately deflated, collapsing back into her chair with a pout and her arms crossed. “Not even a little one? Just a teeney tiny little dick?” She tried to bargain, her fingers almost pressed together in simulation of the size. Caleb shook his head no, and she huffed in response. “What could we even use as a symbol for the great Den Mighty Nein if not a tiny dick?”

Essik nearly collapsed on the floor, he was laughing so hard. “A tiny dick!” He laughed, his face a dark purple. “How scandalous! Truly, I’m marrying up in this world.”

Caleb scowled, his face still pink, and shoved his pretend fiance towards the door. “Go away. Go, do your job or something. Make enough money to support me and our nine adopted children.”

“ Nein ,” Essik howled, still laughing even as Caleb closed the door to the War Room behind him. (Or maybe it was “ Nine???” like the Shadowhand couldn’t possibly imagine his and Caleb’s imaginary union resulting in nine adopted children. It didn’t make a difference to Caleb.)

“Well, now I gotta sew a little dick on there,” Jester argued, leaning back dangerously in her chair, her arms still crossed sourly. “I’ve never seen him laugh before.”

Neither had Caleb. But he was eager to see it again.

“Are you sure about this, Caleb?” Yasha asked, questioning. “Marriage is a big deal. I know you can separate whenever you want,” she brushed her hand aside, like she didn’t quite believe what Caleb had told her. “But it’s still a big commitment. And it’s a big thing, living with someone. You really get to know them, the good and the bad.”

“I live with you all currently,” Caleb argued. “It hasn’t changed much.”

“It’s different, when you share a bedroom. And a bed,” Yasha continued. “I don’t think you are taking this seriously enough.”

“And I think all of you are underestimating what a boon it would be to have the Shadowhand’s favor,” Caleb glared a bit, leaning over the War Table. “We have been wanting to ally ourselves with the Krynn. This is just another way of doing that.”

Without speaking, Nott stood up and crawled onto the table. She walked across the War Room table, bare goblin feet trending on oak wood, until she stood face to face with Caleb. By standing on the table and with him leaning over, she was eye level with him in a way she normally wasn’t.

She took his face into her hands, and cradled it gently. “Caleb. You deserve to marry for love, sweetheart. Not political favor.”

“It’s sweet that you think anyone could ever love me, given what I’ve done,” he rested his forehead against hers.

“Caleb ,” She admonished, pulling away from him. “ I love you. Everyone here,” she gestured around to the others seated at the table. “Loves you. What makes you think that there isn’t someone out there who could love you, too? Romantically even?”

He pulled away from her further. “Nott. I’m going to marry Essik. I’m sorry if you disapprove--”

“On the contrary,” Nott interrupted him. “I like Essik. I like Essik for you, even. He’s a good boy who has supported us when we’ve needed him to. He’s smart, he’s handsome, he’s loyal. He’s everything I could ever want for you. But,” she reached out for him again. “You don’t love him, Caleb. And you deserve to have someone who loves you, like I love Yeza,” she looked back at her husband, who was smiling at her, full of pride.

“Nott has a point, Caleb,” Jester added, her voice a little sad and a little soft. “You should marry for love. In every book I’ve ever read, love is like, the greatest thing that’s out there, and Nott just made me really sad thinking that you don’t think you deserve to be loved? How could you?”

“Hang on just a second,” Fjord shook his head, a confused look on his face. “What are we even talking about love for, anyway? Caleb’s a grown man, and it’s his decision. He does Essik a solid by marrying him, and gets to learn fancy drow magic and we get in even better with the Bright Queen? I’m not seeing a downside.” Fjord rested his elbows on the table. “Maybe Caleb and Essik don’t love each other, but Essik doesn’t love this drow girl, either, and it’s not fair to make him have to get married to her if Caleb backs out of this.”

“Bingo,” Beau threw her thumb towards Fjord. “Essik’s been good to us. Better than we expected. We should help him if we can. I’m on team marry-the-pretty-drow-boy”

“I was too, until Nott started talking about how he should marry for love and stuff!” Jester argued.

“Regardless,” Caduceus stood up, scooting his chair back, towering over everyone at the table, including Nott who was still standing on the table. “It’s Caleb’s decision, ultimately. And we’ll support you, no matter what you decide.” He walked over to where Caleb was standing, and squeezed his shoulder firmly.

“I have already agreed to this,” Caleb held out his banded wrist for everyone to see, the symbol of his engagement to Essik on display. “I’m going to follow through with it.”

“Good for you,” Caduceus patted his shoulder again. “We leave for Nicodranas in five days. Do you think you’ll still be able to join us?”

“I should,” Caleb removed Caduceus’s hand from his shoulder. “I already told Essik that that was our plan.”

“Excellent!” Caduceus grinned. “I need more tea.”

With that, the large firbolg left the room, and one by one, the Mighty Nein followed, until only Caleb and Nott were still in the War Room.

“Nott---” He shook his head. “It likely won’t be forever. Either I’ll find someone, or more likely, Essik will, and we’ll separate. This is just one way I can help him and further my goals, all at once.”

“I know,” Nott said sadly, and patted his cheek again. “I just hope you don’t get your heart broken in the process.”

You could not break what you did not have, Caleb didn’t say. But he followed her out of the room regardless.

[vicweasley]

I was born with a HURRICANE HEART with wild rains and unchallenged rogue winds;           I am constantly fighting, fighting to keep those dear to me within its eye.

DICHEN LACHMAN? No, that’s actually VICTOIRE WEASLEY from the NEXT GEN ERA. You know, the child of FLEUR WEASLEY ( NEÉ DELACOUR ) and BILL WEASLEY? Only 27 years old, this SLYTHERIN alumni works as a DRAGONOLOGIST and is sided with THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX. SHE identifies as GENDERQUEER and is a 1/8TH VEELA who is known to be MERCURIAL, SELF-DESTRUCTIVE, and STUBBORN but also LOYAL, PASSIONATE, and STRATEGIC. — &&. ( JINX, PST, SHE/THEY, 24. ) Note: Victoire is adopted.

PLAYLIST • PINTEREST 

CHARACTER INSPIRATIONS: Mercutio ( Romeo and Juliet ), Kady Orloff Diaz ( The Magicians ), Bellamy Blake ( The 100 ), Kara Thrace ( Battlestar Galatica ), Sara Lance ( Legends of Tomorrow )

HEADCANON ONE:

Character Name: Victoire Apolline Delacour-Weasley

VICTOIRE: Seventeen years of hearing stories about those who died on her ‘birthday’ before her. Over a decade of not celebrating it when she realized what it meant to others. Of course, she understands that this is the burden she carries – while her cousins bear namesakes of those who had fallen before them, she is the painful reminder of the day they lost people – so they could win freedom. She is the h e l l f i r e that is left after a victory, scorching technicolor brutal memories into the minds of those who were left behind. Still, she is a Victory none the less, and her family adopted her the day of a horrible day when she was a baby. They chose her instead of the pain, they named her after the good instead of seeing the bad.   APOLLINE: The french derivative of the name Apollonia which comes from the Greek god, Apollo. Apollo, the god of the sun, prophecy, music, beauty, healing, poetry, plague and so much more. It could be said that Victoire is her own brand of beautiful – of course the Veela genes help ( or do they? ) but if there’s anything she’s gotten from this namesake it’s the love of music. She’s sure that if she wasn’t going to work with dragons when she was older it would be with music – something she practically speaks as a language. The name might sound too flowery or too soft for Victoire – but her grandmother from which she was given this name was still a Veela. She still had the siren song that was deadly to almost associated with her name. Still, just because Victoire is comparable to a constantly raging storm – she has times where parts of her mother and grandmother comes out.   DELACOUR: While she embraces the Weasley, Victoire also embraces her mother’s French heritage. If there’s anything of her mother, of this side of the family that comes out – it’s when she speaks French. She refuses to call her mother anything but maman, and will quickly switch to French around her during Weasley-Potter-Lupin gatherings at the burrow to make her feel even a little more comfortable. For Victoire, the Delacour name embodies softness and embodies femininity that she’s not always connected to. It reminds her that she’s not been alone in being discriminated against or objectified, that others understand what it’s like to be in her place to some extent. It’s then that she’s able to embrace the girl, that she’s able to feel like one and not always so at war with her body and herself. WEASLEY: If the other parts of her name didn’t already come with enough precedence – perhaps the name ‘Weasley’ was the icing on the cake. She couldn’t be prouder to be a Weasley, no matter how much fussing her grandmother does or how everyone is in everyone’s business – Victoire knows she is lucky. Vic is well aware of how privileged she is & how her infamous family of blood traitors are lucky to have the life they do. Even though she looked different from some of her family, so did so many of her other extended family members. She took comfort in the fact that Weasley-Potters were a mixed bunch, in personality, in races, in ideals, and her being different was celebrated. There may have been a thirst to know her heritage the older she got, one that would later be quenched, but her real family were the Weasley’s. They chose her, they were better than her blood family ever was, not that she could remember them.

Pronouns & Gender:   She/Her. Victoire identifies as Genderqueer.

HEADCANON TWO:

gender dysphoria tw

C h a n g i n g. From the minute Victoire was born, she was always fidgeting, always moving and her first display of magic was at 4 years old, when she tried to change her hair blue like Teddy’s. Instead, it changed her beautiful crop of dark brown into a dirty blonde. Often, she’d find herself envying Teddy’s abilities to change, feeling uncomfortable in her skin and angry that it wasn’t as easy for her. As she grew older, she came to understand  what her body was, what it would be and that she’d never be able to change herself like Teddy or change herself at all. Any change that she’d make would be permanent and she found herself not wanting that in the slightest. Not wanting to limit herself because while Victoire loved her feminine side – there was something she felt growing in her soul that was just … something else. It didn’t have a label but it became her, it was her, and it was confusing but it was who she was. Victoire did research and after a while the closest thing she could find to what she felt her gender was the term: genderqueer. Of course, after she realized this she told her parents, getting nothing but support from them. A reason they’ve let Victoire dye her hair so much and wear clothes that some parents would have heart attacks at, is so she feels like she has an option to be who she is. Even though they know that their child will be who she is with or without their permission, they figure helping her along the way in a world where there are many people who are against what her gender is & think it’s unnatural. They are Vic’s parents after all and after a war where they lost family and friends who gave their lives so their children could have freedom  – it seems trivial to ever fuss over something like gender. At twenty seven, Vic is more comfortable in herself but still struggles. She keeps it to herself instead of talking about her own dysphoria because it seems trivial compared the war going on around her, compared to so much else.

HEADCANON THREE:

About: ( SELF HARM MENTION, VIOLENCE MENTION, MISOGYNY MENTION )

Storm with skin. The performer. { Secret Strategist }. Masochistic with sadistic tendencies because she is just so filled with A N G E R ( being sexualized at a young age, her ass pinched on her first Hogsmeade trip, and so so much more that she doesn’t have a language to explain it in — only violent actions ). N o t that she’d let you know.  Warrior, no,VALKYRIE more of a DRAGON than a girl ( if she ever was a g i r l in the first place ), fiercely protective of the people she loves — and if you dare mess with her family, friends, or any of the sort, you better run for oblivion.  V I C T O R Y in her veins that she will hold onto until her dying breath.

Victoire Weasley is more than just a simple human being, she’s the true embodiment of what it means to be a storm with skin. Enigmatic even.

Victoire is quite sure of who she is, what she wants in life & what she will get, she’s quite sure of everything that she is —-

                …but in those moments she blacks out in pure rage — she’s not so sure.

She’s h o r r i f i e d. In those moments where she looks for pain like she’s a drug addict and it’s her next fix, she mortified. She can’t remember how it quite started – a punch to the wall there after a fight, a purpose slap in the face, anything that released the rage she had. Victoire didn’t dare release it on the people she loved because she’d never be able to forgive herself for that, but it grew. The feeling grew and soon she had to hurt herself. But she can remember when she knew. When she needed reminders, when she needed blood and big bruises to litter her body. It’s something she’s so ashamed of, that she hasn’t let on to anyone. A reason Victoire craves fights and sometimes throws them is because of this masochistic need to hurt herself – just letting people beat her to unconsciousness. Her anger is so great, so c o n s u m i n g, there’s the small hope if she finds a way to release it somehow – it’ll go away.

              “I will always scare; and more than anyone else — myself.”

It was in House of Serpents that she learned there is grey. There is moral grey, and it’s where she lives. With a heart so big, so W I D E, that even she doesn’t realize it’s part of the reason her anger can consume her. Feeling things for Victoire Weasley is never half arsed, it’s full arsed, and her passion, her ambition, could be the death of her. Her ambition to save the ones she loves, to protect her family. F a m i l y. A word redefined by Victoire fucking Weasley.

But when you meet her, she’ll s m i l e. She’ll laugh, she’ll charm you most likely and she’ll talk about the fact that Freddie Mercury is much more interesting than John Lennon, thank you very much. How Johnny Cash, Jeff Buckley, Arctic Monkeys, HAIM, and Aerosmith should be listened to at least once a day and how if she wanted anyone’s singing voice besides Freddie’s, it would be Hayley Williams, no doubt. She’d take off her shirt to show you the tattoos that run down her back, tell you about the ones that s n a k e down shoulders, arms, legs and how they’re ones dedicated to each and every one of her family members. For her best friends. For past people she loved. With child like w o n d e r m e n t and pure genuine glee, she’ll talk about her dragon, Mercury, and how her and Hagrid planned to try to start a campaign to get real dragons at Hogwarts — or at least they had. Never has she doubted being a Dragonologist and never has she had so much peace.

THOUGHTS ON THE TIMECLASH: Victoire thinks it’s amazing, sure she’s worried about the world as a whole, but she thinks this timeclash is kind of lit! It’s like a big party to her in a way, she’s never been more excited to learn about history than through the actual people she actually read about in the history books. If anything, she’s trying to learn from the new people around her, often sparking up random conversations with absolutely anyone she can to try to understand where they all come from. 

[eabhaalynn]

Your Local A-Level Survival Guide

If you’re reading this, I’m sorry.

It probably means you’re doing a-levels. That is… unfortunate.

Everyone has a different experience of their a-level years. For me, they were the most enjoyable two years of my school career. I found some of the best friends in the world and honestly learned so much, both in and out of school. However even I have to say that the exams were the WORST. There were too many tears, tantrums and existential crisis’ to count.

And yet, I survived them. And I have so many friends who survived them too. And if I can get through them in one piece, anyone can.

So; here’s a little advice on how to survive the stresses of sixth form, both in school and out, and maybe even get a few a-levels along the way. I’ve split them into revision tips, school life and social life because this post is a fairly hefty read. (sorry again!)

STU(DYING) 

1.    Make notes as you go along.

You will LOVE yourself for this in June. A-Level content isn’t anything close to GCSE content, and you simply will not have time to start writing notes and learn them all around exam time.

Try to keep within a day of your class with your own notes and if you fall behind during the week, try to get caught up that weekend.

Find a note-taking style that fits how you learn. I personally realised in my upper sixth year – just a tiny bit late - that I loved making and learning off of summary posters. Trying out different ways of note taking will do no harm.

2.    Ask if you need help

Your teachers and friends are all on your side. You are not a burden for asking them to explain an idea to you again, or to reword something. Your teachers are literally being paid to help you, and your mates are in exactly the same position you are. Ask them for help if you need it, because a-levels really are very hard – and they only get harder if you try to go it alone.

3.    Find somewhere you can bare to study in

In school, if you have a choice of study rooms, spend your free time in ones you like – okay, maybe tolerate – being in. At GCSE we only had one study and I hated it, but at A-Level I had the choice of two, with a definite favourite, and it really makes the difference.

Make friends with your study supervisors, they have the power to make or break your a-level years.

At home, study where you’re comfortable. But not too comfortable. Your leavers hoodie will become your wearable hug over study leave and I also highly recommend investing in comfy tracksuit bottoms. You get used to looking like a tent most of the time

My favourite places to study were the public library and various coffee shops around the town I studied in. They were less strict than school, but still required more discipline than trying to study in my bedroom. Just try not to develop a caffeine dependency over the next two years because I certainly did.

4.  Don’t compare yourself to others.

You are not your friends. You are different people, you probably have different ways of making your tea, and you almost certainly will have different ways of studying.

 I remember around repeat season seeing my friend sit and do a booklet of twelve past papers all day. To her credit, she did them all. I, on the other hand, did a total of one past paper over three repeat exams. We put the same hours in. We got the same grades in the end.

Other peoples work doesn't invalidate your own. Everyone is working with their own skills and capabilities.

5.  Repeat everything you need to.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with repeating modules in upper sixth. There’s also absolutely nothing wrong with repeating upper or lower sixth.

The extended exam period (seven (!!) weeks) is awful; it is genuinely very difficult to avoid burnout, but your understanding of modules is so much better second time around and repeats almost always pay off.

You will meet a whole new group of friends through repeating modules, purely because it is so difficult that you have no choice but to cling on to the people that are going through it with you

6.    Don’t do an unnecessary hard one

All A-Levels are hard. Some a-levels (chemistry and biology for me, also twitter tells me further maths) are very hard. Unless your Uni course requires those traditional, exceptionally hard subjects, don’t do them.

Pick your subjects around your interests, because your whole life is going to revolve around them for two years. Two years of interesting impossible exams beat two years of boring impossible exams any day.

No matter how much you love that fourth subject, don’t take it – and don’t keep it on – unless you absolutely have to. Your grades may suffer, your already limited free time will suffer, and there are very few cases where you will ever need it. I loved AS History with every fibre of my being, but for my course I didn’t need four subjects past AS and so it would have been unsustainable and unnecessary to keep on yet another academically challenging subject

7.  Make use of the resources available to you.

Ask your older friends for their notes, borrow and buy textbooks, read relevant articles online.

 My school was especially good for this, if you like making notes on a certain kind of paper (like A3 or squared for example) ask your teachers to get you some.

Use the free printing credits your school gives you! The internet is full of additional notes and papers and worksheets that are free and quite literally a click away.

SKOOL LIFE

1.    You are the most important

No a-level is more important than you and your wellbeing. Take care of your mental and physical health throughout your studies. Nothing in this world is more important than that.

If you are suffering, tell someone! A-Levels can feel so lonely and sixth form can be a very high-pressure environment, but every adult in your school has a duty of care over you, and there is always someone to help you through it all; be it a friend, family member, teacher or youth worker.

2.    Be nice!

-      Schools are inherently toxic environments. Everyone is loaded with hormones and there are few things in this world scarier than a building full of stressed teenagers.Be nice to everyone you come across, no one loves a levels and most will really struggle through them. You only ever know a tiny bit of what is going on in someones life, so do try not to make anyone’s life any harder.

3.    Take every opportunity that comes to you

-      Take part in any extra curricular you can. You probably will learn more from them than you do in class, and you get the chance to make friends with people you’d never come across otherwise. I did debate, public speaking and the rotary award during my sixth form, and they all helped me so much to develop the soft skills and time management that eventually got me into my degree.

4.    Set aside time for careers/admin

-      It might not be a-level important, but you’ll find yourself with a lot of sorting out of your life to do throughout sixth form – especially if you’re applying to medicine or similar courses that require multi-step application processes.

5.    There’s no right or wrong way to do sixth form

-      A-Levels aren’t a one-way street. You may have to change subjects, you may have to take time out, you may end up sitting your courses at two different schools, over one or two or three years, and that is all okay. No matter what way you do it, you’re doing alright.

6.    UCAS will ruin your life.

-      UCAS is the sixth form version of the wee guy on the bus who would pick on you incessantly, and even though he was never that important, he’d always be there and never do anything worthwhile for your life.

-      It’s not the worst thing in the world, but it is another thing to worry about, when you really don’t need it to be.

-      Try to keep on top of it and get your application over with early. The emails from track will keep giving you the fear forever, even after you’ve had 3 straight up rejections, missed an offer, declined two different offers and confirmed your place.

SOCIAL LIFE (trust me it does exist)

1.    Balance is everything

It is not normal to have your life be so centred around one place as much as it is during a-levels. As well as this, being 16 – 18 is literally the best time to be alive and make memories in your whole life. Spend lots of time on schoolwork, but not all of it.

2. You’re not going out too much

You work so unbelievably hard all week. You do deserve to go out sometimes.

My upper sixth was framed by panicking and feeling wracked with guilt every time I left my house or went on any night out. This is no way to feel There is more to life than a-levels and upper sixth is the last time in your life where all your school mates will be all together all the time. Make the most of it! (Just, also make notes)

3.    Take a day off

Like literally, take a day off a week

I took Sundays off schoolwork in upper sixth, when I usually worked in the afternoon, had the morning to myself and the evening as a time to rest. This will keep you sane.

4.    Make time for the friends you don’t see everyday

You won’t have a lot of free time, but if you make a conscious effort to see your far away friends every couple of weeks it always gives you something to look forward to.

5.    Don’t give in to peer pressure

I promise it is so much fun to go out and not drink excessively. Don’t do hard drugs, don’t drink more than you can handle, especially not over term time. It’s just not worth it. Showing up to school hungover is not a good look, or any fun at all – no matter what your mates say. A-Levels are a stressful enough two years without losing all this extra time to hangovers and come downs.

6.    Make good habits

 If you have a spare evening during the week, go for a walk. Take the bus and walk one day a week instead of driving. Maybe even join a gym. As well as a distraction, exercise and a generally healthy lifestyle will get your endorphins flowing and you will notice a huge difference to your stress levels within a few weeks.

You’re going to need comfort food – trust me on that one. But if you’re going to substitute a healthy lunch for a chicken box and squashies, at least have a banana for breakfast. And never skip breakfast, it will make you a hangry, hanxious, horrible person.

Congratulations! You made it to the end. I really hope you’ve found at least some of this advice helpful, and that you get through sixth form with all of your sanity intact. 

(I’d like to thank Julia Anusiak, Alexandra Rosbotham, Aoife Donaghy, Maeve Denver, Gabrielle Carland, Caitriona Fitzpatrick, Grace Craig and Jack Worrall for their contributions to this blog post)