#there’s something about you I hold on tooooooo

[cyanorhis]

shiny armor, fallen princess, all he needs is a white horse (and his honor I suppose)

[arliedraws]

With how weirdly dependent James and Sirius were of each other, I can't help but think there was a hidden war between students when they would fight over whether those two were 1. friends 2. friends that fucked 3. Brothers 4. Lovers and James running after Lily was them trying to keep their love hidden.

They were that weird. Remus and Peter probably heard about that

I also think that if the other students breathed a word of suspicion, either James or Sirius would curse the hell out of them. I am in the camp that believes both James and Sirius really subscribed to traditional masculinity stereotypes; therefore, any hint other students thinking they might be queer would cause them to spiral and shut down any talk of it.

Here’s what I see: James and Sirius get closer and closer physically as the years go on. Maybe they don’t even realize it’s attraction or love—maybe they think it’s normal to touch your best friend like this. Maybe it’s normal to climb into each other’s bed and hold each other when they’re sad/lonely/depressed, lay his head in the other’s lap, sit closely on the sofa and let their thighs touch. Then, someone like Snape sneers that they’re queer, and even the hint of it terrifies them (this is the 1970s, after all—but this would happen today, too, honestly). Maybe they’re about fifteen when this happens, so they try to keep their distance. James develops a crush on Lily, and bisexual James can pretend he’s straight, and maybe Sirius dates a few girls and bisexual Sirius is attracted to them, so he can pretend too.

Anyway, maybe time goes on, they date girls, whatever, and they try not to be all over each other. They can pretend. Anyway, maybe they think it was just loneliness or something, nothing queer, but they still look away when the other person changes and try to sit not so close to each other. But then it’s seventh year, and James is on cusp of dating Lily, and Sirius feels oddly hurt by it, even if he hasn’t “felt” anything for James in a couple of years. Let’s say if this is the canon universe, nothing happens. But if this were an AU, maybe Sirius and James grow slightly distant in their denial, and maybe they even start quarreling as James gets closer and closer to Lily. Then, finally, they’re fighting outright, unable to sort through their feelings in a way that toxic masculinity allows. Anyway, they have sex. And they keep it secret because they aren’t supposed to do this. And they can’t resist—they do it again and again, catching each other in the corridors. They ambush each other in broom closets, the showers, the passageway behind the mirror. They can’t let Remus and Peter find out. But they’re desperate for each other, and they steal moments together whenever they can. Again, this is 1970s—this is not something that is allowed.

So anyway, I think if there WERE rumors about James and Sirius, they would have shut them down immediately and never gave people a reason to think they were tooooooo close ever again. Remus might have his suspicions, but he would assure Peter that it was nothing to keep his friends’ secret safe (after all, they kept his safe).

I know you were probably expecting a fun answer but I’m not fun and I love sadness and drama 😂

[littlemisslift123]

tips on how to lyft from u1ta/ s3ph0ra??

So where I live we don't have u1ta but we do have s3ph0ra (cause where isn't there s3ph0ra?)

I actually have gotten away with quite a lot at s3ph0ra, like I don't do huge hauls from there but I do manage to get some stuff.

My tips are as follows:

chat up the workers, and ask questions. if you brush them off it seems sus IMO but you don't have to be tooooooo chatty. just be nice, ask questions about stuff, and ask for a color match maybe.

the second tip is the magic bag/long sleeves trick. so I have this lunchbox that allows me to slip things in very discretely. like the strap is very close to the opening and so if I hold it like at my wrist, and I'm wearing long sleeves which cover the "hole", it's pretty easy to just slip whatever in there.

3- the squat and conceal. Wear a coat or a sweater for this. you squat down with something discretely in your hand (or basket) and either on your way down/ or already down, slip this in your purse. hold your purse close to your body, and "in" your open sweater. you'll squat down and pretend to look at the bottom row of products. maybe swatch a bit, read ingredients, whatever, just make it believable that you're actually just squatting to check something out.

four! the sleeve-in. easy, been there, done that, just be discrete.

5- don't get too greedy. especially if you're new at lyfting.

six- their security system- at least at my location- is a joke. they use visible (but discreet) RFID stickers. I have never seen an RFID inside a box so far. AGAIN I SAY SO FAR BECAUSE MAYBE THERE ARE SOME I JUST HAVEN'T SEEN. Always, always, always, look inside the box. just make sure. you can never be too safe. always carefully inspect the box from the outside, peel off any RFID. I notice they're always just simple white stickers with an electromagnetic chip inside.

test things out, swatch, whatever. even shit you don't want. so that you really look like you're looking around and aren't going in for specific items that *suddenly* vanish from their stock.

if they ask if you need help or guidance, what I like to do is tell them that I got a gift card for Christmas/my birthday or whatever, and I'm trying to figure out what to buy with it. I say that I don't really wear any makeup so I'm just looking around until something pops out to me. I accept to look at whatever they offer. (till this one bitch showed me a color corrector for my naturally red cheeks. ma'am, it's built-in blush why would I color correct that?)

Anyways: here's the stuff I got from there over the last six-ish months.

skincare:

m1lk makeup c00ling water stick

gl0w recipe avocado nyacinimide dr0ps

lan3ige lip mask in berry

lan3ige primer in that sparkly little pink bottle



makeup:

di0r backstage pink blush

di0r backstage concealer (not a fan, creases like crazy, but the applicator is out of this fucking world. considering emptying it and filling it with my favorite concealer)

di0r lip glow in 001 light pink (can you tell I like di0r???)

di0r lip glow oil in cherry (meh I don't love the tint it leaves behind)

b3n3tint (LOOVE i'm feral for b3n3fit)

b3n3fit highlighter in tickle (LOVE LOVE LOVE)

b3n3fit H00la (too dark for me because i'm literally so fucking pale)

b3n3fit moonsomething blush (too light somehow? maybe i'm just doing it wrong though)

1l1a concealer

i'm forgetting stuff

fragrances:

jul1et has a gun mini

g00cci the pink one in a mini rollerball cause I have the big one but i hate carrying it around.



[amuhav]

All the even questions of the Edgy/misc OC ask meme for Ash please.

What's something about your OC that people wouldn't expect just from looking at them?

I don't think there's much hidden about Ash, he is for the most part as he seems. Maybe that he's capable of holding grudges for a long time, since he doesn't seem the type? He appears more laid back than he really is.

When scared, does your OC fight, flee, freeze or fawn?

His default is to Freeze or Fawn. He only fights when he's angry or upset, but scared... yeeeeeah........ 😶

How easily could your OC be convinced to do something that goes against their moral compass?

Not tooooooo easily? At least, not so much nowadays. Unfortunately in a relationship that breaks down quite a bit, but otherwise he has a pretty strong set of principles.

Would your OC ostensibly be able to get away with murder?

lmao no. I think he could believe he could, in the right circumstances, but Ash would either get himself caught or just hand himself in, no way he could live with it let alone not crack under pressure.

What's an AU that would be interesting to explore with your OC?

well, he is already in my apocalypse-style AU, where he's... not that different, but also quite different lol. He's definitely a more active participant in the toxicness that is him and Loch, for one. He's less of a passive, lovesick puppy and more aware. He's not the one doing the chasing this time, and tbh, after their teen relationship, he doesn't really ever try to convince himself it's love. But he lets Loch catch him sometimes because, tbh, he doesn't really have much else.

Is your OC self-destructive? In what ways?

Yes and no. He doesn't really go out of his way to damage himself, but he allows himself to be taken advantage of, to be led into doing himself harm. And there are times when his self-worth has taken enough of a beating that he does do stupid things, like sleeping with Finn the first time just because fuck it, he'd already had a one-night stand, might as well have another right?

How does your OC want to be seen by other characters?

I don't know that he much cares what people think of him, other than as a good person I suppose.

What is your OC's pain tolerance like?

Not that high tbh, but he's not really a baby about pain either. Like if either of them is gonna be dramatic about stubbing their toe or something, it's gonna be Loch lmao.

Is your OC more cold and detached or up close and personal?

Close and personal, though only with those closest to him. He's not cold or detached with others, he's just not particularly extroverted.

Does your OC have a tendency to get jealous? If so, how does this manifest?

Yep. As we know lol. ~trust issues~ from Finn's infidelity have him freaking out over things that shouldn't be a problem, or reacting to things that shouldn't be a big deal, but he is getting much better about it.

What character alignment would you consider your OC to be?

I actually hate this question SO MUCH because the alignment chart is so fuckin RIGID and ordinary people don't really fall into such unnuanced categories, but I GUESS Neutral Good. In the sort of passively good way. Like he's not out there doing good deeds for the sake of it, but he will usually choose to be a good person when it matters.

What is an alternative life path your OC might have gone down? How different would their life be if they'd made those decisions?

Things would have gone very differently for him had he never dated Loch, but unless he found someone much like himself, I could see him getting himself hurt eventually anyway. He throws himself into relationships and puts too much of himself into them, and it's an easy thing for someone to take advantage of. Like, for example, even if he hadn't slept with Loch that one night, okay he may not have immediately jumped into bed with Finn, but... I don't know that he wouldn't have been caught in that web later down the line anyway. Finn's good at spotting an easy mark, and Ash would have presented a good target whether vulnerable at the time or not.

[wildpeachfarm]

I agree with wanting them to communicate with us properly. Cause we always hear 'This and that is planned and will be out by then and then'

and then it doesn't and we get a 'Sorry guys but we didn't make it in time cause we want it to be perfect and we will stop talking about stuff we can't a 100% promise!'

only for then to get another repeat of 'this and this is so cool and will come out then and then!'

and it all just repeats.

It's totally fine when they need more time or don't want to stream or whatever. But it would be amazing and taking a lot of frustration away if each of them - and not just Dream - could communicate with us.

Like if Sapnap would have said 'Guys, something important is coming up that will take a while and I won't be able to stream or do much of any other content for the while! Apologize! You will know as soon as possible what it's about!' (aka the hair transplant) and that would be AMAZING communication. either on a stream or on twitter or even youtube community notes.

George just making a short statement (when he doesn't feel safe even on either his private twitter or even sub twitter) that he's working on the other project and isn't really into streaming lately? Would be a very good and professional way to let us know!

And well Dream is the person from the example above lmao. He really should just actively talk about his project dropping when it does lmao.

Otherwise maybe a small twitter tweet here and there - be that on main or alt or private or sub - would be really nice or maybe a snapchat a week or a silly little tiktok or whatever. All this would help us as fans to understand everything better and be able to not get impatient and all.

Just this really:

It's totally fine when they need more time or don't want to stream or whatever. But it would be amazing and taking a lot of frustration away if each of them - and not just Dream - could communicate with us.

I love these boys with my entire heart and I don't want them to be forced into doing content, etc. etc.

However, I think it would benefit them and the fandom if they just notified people more of the changes. And I know it's become a meme that dream overpromises or is always missing deadlines and stuff (as a fellow adhder I relate tooooooo hard to this) and I think maybe that has discouraged him from speaking at all? and maybe snf too?

I just wanna hold their faces and say that it's better to be overly communicative with your fans than provide little-to-no communication

thats all! I'm fine if they are done streaming forever and only wanna do youtube but I would just like to know what's on the table these days and what I am allowed to be sad about losing forever /j

[gregoftom]

And also from the other day you were sososo right about them being the only people who actually like each other and enjoy each other’s company, even purely from a platonic sense nobody else in this show is consistently happy with anyone except for them two, at least not to the extent that they’d hold their relationship over any kind of business decision (especially with tom being willing to go to prison for Greg in 3x06 and shiv throwing tom under the bus in 2x10) and I know it’s because neither of them came from the same wealth as the Roys and didn’t have the trauma and childhood of living as a Roy, as one of Logan’s children, so it makes sense that they’re the ones with the least fucked up views of relationships and the capacity to enjoy the kinds of wealth they live in together and ahfkgfdhtksethksth I love them smmmmm <3333

OH AND ALSO off topic but I saw somewhere that the costume designer works so that Tom and Greg’s outfits always pair well together whereas his and Shiv’s deliberately contrast and now I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT because holy shit it’s so true they match so well <333

LIKE LOOK AT THEM (<3)

AND THEN LOOK AT SHIV (<3)

YESSSSSSSS GAWD LIKE I ALWAYS SAY THIS BUT "i love you but i cannot fucking stomach you" IS SUCH A RAW ASS FUCKING LINE FROM SHIV AND WHAT HURTS IS HOW MUCH IT APPLIES TO LITERALLY EVERYBODY ON THE SHOW, save for. you guessed it! tom and greg! [and willa and connor]. like???? it just makes me OOF so much because their friendship is just so. it's so. they offer some light to the dark you know? there cannot be darkness without light and there cannot be light without darkness so they have to be there to offer some of the light to this bleak as fuck show. love is something you just do. like is something you don't work for like that... i dunno it just. the likeness comes to them so naturally you know? like after all the bullshit of meeting one another and their defence mechanisms and not knowing if it's real is out the way and they're still with each other, they start to see that they like and care for one another and it's NOT A JOB, ITS NOT HARD WORK. it just happens! loving is hard work! liking is not! at least in the context of this showwwwowoekwd like holy fuck.

AND ABOUT THE WEALTH YEAH. YEAH. those two are the only ones who seem to be able to spend their wealth on things that make them happy both alone and together. they do it for comfort. wealth in terms of the emotional and affectionate too, they give each other. just god. A. i love them tooooooo so much <333

AND AAAAAA THE COSTUMES YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. they specifically say they complimented the outfits with each other BUT I DIDNT KNOW ABOUT THE SHIV THING AH. god. help. BUT YES i do see here with the pics you senttttt oh mgyfuijkmewlfwef. PLUS the whole. tom wearing a suit called a gregory in 3.09 like what the fuck??????? what the fuck. what the fuck!!!! don't even SPEAK to me about this episode though with those mfs oh my god they were unhinged asf, ridiculous! moving their hips towards each other, greg acting the ever de-escalating spouse "he's a lovely guy", THE FUCKEN. PROVE IT. lord. loooord. i am Weak.

[questioned-quetzalcoatl]

Here's a good one for you >:3

1930's con artist couple Au, with either Kainga x James or Owain. Go wild girl <3

I mean who doesn't love a good harem if you wanna include that tooooooo

'Fool's Gambit'

Rating: T

Pairings: New Zealand/Tonga (Hetalia) Wales/Tonga (IMPLIED MMH)

Variation: 1930s Con artist AU

AN: Curse you Willow and giving me such great ideas ;u;// Also I needed an excuse to have a more fem leaning Kai in a fic, it's a must, it's a need cause they can rock a sexy dress with sexy confidence to seduce their Kiwi dadd- I mean what. This was a joy to write <3

---

They're a delight to watch as ever, prettiest little flapper he ever did see, boyish in figure and yet James still finds himself watching their hips as the Tongan sauntered towards him. A gloved, slender hand sliding from his chest up his neck to around the back of his head would make any man with good taste drop their glass of over priced champagne when they approached.

As if close contact wasn't enough for either of them as James couldn't help slide his rough hands down their hips. The curve had almost been imprinted into his muscle memory, Kainga could feel it against their tight crimson satin dress, a color to match the lipstick they wore. Suspiciously the same color of the lipstick stains on James's collar.

He knew when to stop going lower down their thighs, feeling the hand gun nicked away under the helm of their lingerie and pantyhose. Kainga smirked seductively at him and took off his hand from their waist almost teasingly. "A Sir Owain Marc, will see you now, James."

It's not more than a whisper, a message, an invite. Felt like just for him in that sugared sweet voice that called to him.

Another party, another house brimming with rich foolish men who drank too much and another victim in their little game of conning anyone stupid enough to take part. Kainga will play dumb, act like they're an oblivious piece of eye candy to draw in those who wished to play, something to sweeten the deal if their customer was unsure. There weren’t many who couldn’t be swayed by a kiss from a pretty little lady now. 

James's sharp eyes shot from Kainga's red lips to a man standing across the room from them, through the dense crowd he spotted his victim like a predator through the shrub. Kainga's tender fingers slid down James's tie, slipping them from under his tie, an alluring look and they were leading him along to follow them back over to the unsuspecting Welshman. Their aura of seductive femininity, James almost couldn't wait until the night was over so he could have them all to himself. By this time, they'd been spotted.

"Evening Welshie, can I call you that?" James doesn't wait from an answer from the brunette Welshman, whiskily stealing another flute of champagne from a waiter just passing by. He gave him an imploring look before speaking again. “A man of your standing needs some extra security, does he not?”

At the nod, a shark like grin splits the New Zealander’s lips, a glint in his eyes that the gormless Welshman didn’t notice or lacked the ability to process. Even better, by James’s standing. 

“Me company offers a secure money holding office, with high security at all times. We’ve had reports of con artists in banks just fleeing people of their money and it just breaks my heart to see peoples hard earned cash stolen from them.”

“Well- when ya put it like that, I 'ave been worried that some of me finances have been taken without permission these past few months…”

They picked a good one this time, James leaning back and watching the flapper as the man opposite continued to babble on about some worries the Kiwi, frankly, cared nothing for. While his partner in crime slandered around the back of the Tycoon, brushing against him as anyone would to get through a tough ground. Owain didn't even recognize them from past affairs regarding going to the extremes for this kind of work. He also didn't seem to notice that his wallet had been smoothly plucked from the back of his suit pants pocket.

“How soon would I be able to transfer the money to you, Mr…?”

"Hunter. James Hunter." His mouth was already growing bored with this one, his eyes trailing off back to that red satin dress in the crowd. The wallet was in with the gun, flashing him a quick exposed thigh in lingerie before brushing their dress back and disappearing, leaving him with bedroom eyes to meet them back around. James's eyes shot back to Owain, which clearly unnerved the man a little. His smirk was too charming not to be untrustworthy however. “And whenever yer ready, I could even take some now if ya had it to hand.”

The Welsh Tycoon gives him a safe full of cash, a handshake shared and a quip about how business had been a pleasure, the Kiwi leaving with his tantalizing associate at the hip, which such a little fuss it was as if nobody had noticed them arrive or leave from the dinner party.

---

The lamp on their bedside table flickered before dousing the room in a warm, ravishing light against the darkness

His kisses upon their neck and shoulders are distracting as they count the seemingly endless wads of money, patience never being James’s strong point after another successful job, hands running up her thighs, puling her dress up and off in one smooth sweep. He grunted, allowing himself to enjoy them all to himself for the night once again, truly his favorite part other than laundering riches.

“How much richer are we, darlin’?” He reathes in Kainga’s ear, hands exploring their mostly bare, soft body, teasing them as they moved and slipped between their thighs and finally got to those undergarments they'd teased him with. They softly moaned, oh they were in trouble now.

Kainga barely has time to gasp out they’d conned Marc and Kirkland bros Industries out of near two thousand dollars before they're on their back, his lips on theirs and the sound of clothes before torn off.

They'd truly played off their Fool's Gambit.

[astraystayyh]

had to write these in my notes so i could answer each tag aksjdjjd I LOVE U TOO READING UR FEEDBACK MAKES ME SO HAPPY LIKE ACTUALLY KICKING MY FEET GIGGLING ILYYYYY

rightt they didn't start off well it's ACTUAL ENEMIES THIS TIME :o buttt i loved writing their progress im glad you liked itttt tooooooo bb

I LOVED WRITING THAT SCENE LIKE THEY'RE GETTING CLOSE BUT NOT TOO CLOSE BUT AGAIN SMTG IS BREWING AAHHZHSJD

thank youuu for listening to the song 🥺🥺🥺🥺 i tried my best to match the fic to it JZJSJD AND YES HE DID FIRST AND HARD HE JUST... do uk in movies where like mc is doing something so random and then the love interest is like????? hold on??? why am i feeling this way WHY AM I SEEING THEM THIS WAY??? this is what i was trying to portrayyy SO IM SO HAPPY U LIKED IT EEEE IM SO GIDDY

AKDJJDJD HE IS SO SILLY idc han is a silly little man i had to include it somewhere,,,, and yesss they were ☹️☹️☹️ they actually understand each other so well they're really similar except han is stupid let's all forgive him

STOPPP U ARE SO SWEET THANK U FOR PICKING UP ON ALL THE METAPHORS :")))

THE CONFESSION AKSKKDJD i was most excited about it just imagine han EXPLODING BECAUSE HE CARES ABOUT U SM AND HE THOUGHT HE LOST U... I WANT HIM

heyday han. heyday han. HEYDAY HAN. legit loml he's so HOTTTTT I LOVE HIS RAP IM GLAD U LIKED THE DESCRIPTION<33333

also please never apologize for ur tags they literally make my entire year LIKE THE MORE THE MERRIER I SWEAR THANK U FOR TAKING THE TIME TO WRITE THESE I LOVE UUUUUUUUUUU KISSES TO UR FOREHEAD HONEY,,,,, SERIOUSLY THANK U SM I HOPE U HAVE THE BESTEST LIFE EVER

Volcano

pairing : han x reader. enemies to lovers. slow burn.

summary : you've never gotten along with han, your mutual prejudices ruining any prospect of friendship between you both. but you slowly realize that you are more similar than what you originally thought- your darkness recognizing his, and his light yearning for yours.

"I'll take care of you. It's horrible work. Not to me, not if it's you."

cw : depiction of a panic attack, minor injury, both reader and han say mean shit to each other, cursing, mention of alcohol, reader has she/her pronouns.

word count : 13.2k

a.n: highly recommend listening to "Let the light in" by Lana when Han starts playing it in the fic hehe feedback is highly appreciated as always <3

skz quotes series masterlist.

You remember being seven years old, sitting on the floor of your bedroom, while your mom brushed your hair. It was a late July night, a cold breeze swaying your white curtains, akin to the fluttering of a butterfly’s wing. Your eyes were slightly puffy, delicate red veins protruding the white of them. You had just finished watching a Disney movie- the Lion King; heavy sobs escaping your lips when Mufasa died.

There were still faint hiccups coursing through you, a slight shake in your hands as you fiddled with the hem of your shirt. Your mom brought you to her chest, her chin resting on your small shoulder blade. "You’re sensitive, my sweet girl" she had uttered, rubbing your arms soothingly.

It was the first time someone described you as such. You didn’t know what ‘sensitive’ entailed exactly, but it contained the word ��sense’, so you assumed it was something good, a quality to be proud of you. You could sense, maybe more than others, maybe too deeply. That’s why you cried when you didn’t get a good grade, or when your friends left you alone in the park.

But you didn't mind back then. What was your heart made for if not to feel?

You should’ve paid more attention to the way your mom spoke, to the bittersweetness lingering in her tone. As if she knew exactly what it entailed to be sensitive- to have your heart overflow with delicate feelings for the rest of your life, with no safe destination to guard them in.

☄༄

You’ve forgotten the last time you cried in.

The tears are lodged inside your throat- you can clearly feel them, an uncomfortable weight sitting on your vocal cords, rendering them impossible to use.

You used to cry, freely, so much that you lost count of how much it happened. But you realized that every tear that escaped your eyes, made you vulnerable, weaker, in the hands of the people around you. Every tear that washed over you, only rendered you more transparent for everyone to peer at how they wounded your soul. 

So, you conditioned yourself to stop feeling as deeply, or at least to stop showing it. The sadness, the hurt, the anger were all stored within you; but your face remained placid, not betraying how you truly felt. You were like a pond, tranquil at the surface, raging from within.

But on days like this one, you miss the person you were. When the implications of being sensitive still haven’t weighed down on you. When you could get rid of your feelings in the essence of your tears. When you didn’t yet feel bad for feeling.

Chan's eyes are on you, as you type furiously on your laptop. Your vision is so blurry that you can no longer see your lit screen. But you’re afraid that if you pause then Chan would ask if you were okay, and you hated that question. Because you never truly knew the answer to it. Yes, you were okay. But you haven’t cried in six months and your friend didn’t greet you back this morning and you suddenly feel very small in a very large library.

"Hey," Chan taps your hand with his pen and you suck in a slight breath, before raising your head to meet his eyes. "Are you-" he starts but you’re quick to cut him off, knowing exactly where this was headed. "Did you answer question five? I’m stuck on what formula to use."

Chan raises a brow at you, and you blink repeatedly. His eyes travel to your feet tapping furiously against the floor, and he understands.

 "I'm still at number four," he finally says and you nod in relief. You’ve been close friends for a year and Chan has come to know you- he’s dropping the subject.

"Oh, and are you coming to the party tonight?" Chan asks, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. He’s hosting it and there is hope twinkling in his eyes. You feel bad because you’re about to crush it.

"No, need to revise more for the upcoming test."

"Of course, you’ll still be buried in your books," a sarcastic voice quips up, and you stiffen inwardly. Han- one-third of 3racha, Chan’s self-made producing group, and the bane of your existence. You never liked who you were around Han, he brought out the worst in you. Made all your insecurities roar forward, plastered across your body in neon red.

He was friends with Chan, long before you came into the picture, back into their high school days when Han skipped a class and ended up in the same one as Chan’s. A genius, as everyone around you liked to call him. And they were right- excelling came easily to Han, in everything he ever did. Even tapping into each one of your tender nooks and crannies.

He knew how to expertly push your buttons, how to make his tone sound mocking, and taunting, but only to you. Because you were sensitive, and he knew it, finding it almost amusing to toy with you. 

You decide to stay silent because nothing good ever comes out of talking back to him. So, you bite your tongue, turning back to look at your screen. But Han’s elbow grazes your arm, as he leans a bit further into your face. "Come on, live a little, y/n. You’re missing out on the college experience," he makes a big show of opening his arms wide, a single red pen spinning between his fingers. "Quit being stuck up for one night." And it spins, and it spins, and it spins and something ugly inside you crumbles.

"I’m sorry I wasn’t born with a golden spoon shoved down my throat and I actually have to work for my future."

Han’s eyes widen at the raw animosity in your voice, before narrowing down promptly. He’s leaning onto your face again, and his tone is low and cold when he speaks again. "What did you just say to me?"

"Is it so hard to grasp that not everyone is as privileged as you? We can’t all afford to get wasted every fucking night and call it a life."

You’re being mean. This is the rudest you’ve ever been to someone else. You know that your reaction is disproportionate to what he said. But it isn’t just about this instant. It’s an amalgam of every moment Han made you feel small in, because you don’t go out as much as him, because you don’t understand as quickly as him. Taunts thrown your way under the guise of teasing, but you know better.

Still, guilt eats at you as your eyes lock with Chan’s. You should’ve stayed silent, as you’ve been diligently doing for the past year.

"How do you stand being her friend Chan? Is it out of pity?" Han muses, a pout pulling at his lips. You stare ahead as Han tsks lightly, before tapping your cheek with his pen, bringing your face back to him. "I think it is. Because isn’t she so fucking boring?"

Being near Han always makes you hyper-aware of things you never noticed before. Like how a breath has to travel from the depths of your body so you’d be able to release it, and how excruciatingly long it takes for you to draw in a new one. Because Han’s words are never harmless, no, they settle on the confines of your lungs, crushing down any bit of oxygen willing to leave you.

You've had enough.

"When you’re eighty, on your deathbed, and all alone. I hope you know that there is no one around to blame but yourself."

"Don’t cross the line, yn," Chan finally speaks and you scoff, as you get up to grab your things.

"What fucking line, Chan? So, he can insult me all day but as soon as I do it there is a line? Why are you taking his side?"

Chan stays silent and you chuckle dryly. "Of course, you are. You’re only friends with me out of pity after all."

"That’s not true-"

"Well, you didn’t deny it, did you Chan?"

"Yn, I-"

"Save it."

Han’s eyes are glossy as you take one final glance at him. But your heart’s bleeding too much for you to care about his minor cut.

☄༄

For how much time can a conversation haunt someone? Seventeen days, for your case. And you're still counting.

You have nit-picked your fight with Han in the library so much that it's driving you insane. His voice is drilled into your head- the coldness of it as he reeled back from the shock of your words, and then, the pure venom dripping from his tone, as he attacked you where it hurt the most. Chan.

Han chose his words carefully, stitched up the sentence perfectly to hurt you, to stick to your flesh like burnt skin, one that you peeled over and over, each time it threatened to scar.

You haven't talked to Chan in seventeen days. He tried to stop you; on your way out of class, in the line of your campus cafeteria, on the doorsteps of your dorm. But you always fleet away. His eyes were also imprinted into your brain- the disappointment in them when you clapped back at Han.

What about him? You wanted to yell. Why are you only disappointed in me?

But the tears in your pillow have dried. Then fallen again. Then dried once more. And you found the answer to question five. And you miss Chan, terribly so.

That's why you're pacing around his dorm, at 10 pm, when it's also terribly cold outside. Your fingers have gone numb from the ministrations of the wind, but you don't move from your place. You know that the chances of seeing Han- the second person you’ve been avoiding like the plague- would be higher here. But you didn't care anymore.

Your thumb hovers over the call button and you bite your lip harshly. Would Chan pick up? Would he hang up? Was he really your friend out of pity?

"Yn?" a voice calls out, and you startle, turning around to see who it is. Changbin, carrying two bags of groceries in his hand. He's Chan’s friend as well, the final member of 3racha. You like Changbin. He's always being very kind to you. You've grown much closer to him than to Han in the past few months; not that the latter has ever wanted a friendship with you. From the day you met and his eyes narrowed promptly each time you talked. You should’ve known from the start.

"Why are you out here in the cold?" Changbin asks gently, stepping cautiously towards you.

"Chan," you say simply and he nods, understanding what you mean.

"He's not here now, but he'll come home soon. Let's go inside, okay?" he smiles tentatively at you and you hum in reply.

Changbin opens the door and you follow inside. You help him take out the groceries silently, stacking them in their fridge and shelves. Lots of protein powder, and chicken packets. You'd laugh about it if you weren't so sad.

"Chan misses you," Changbin speaks up suddenly, and your heartbeat quickens at his words.

"I miss him too."

"Then you'll be okay."

You try to remember Changbin’s reassuring smile when Chan finally opens the door to the dorm, an hour later. He finds you sitting on the stool in the kitchen. His eyes light up once they settle on you.

And you unravel at the sight.

You're crying, sobs rippling from you as he brings you to his chest. He's patting your head and whispering that it's okay. And you know his shirt is all crumpled from clutching it in your hands. But he doesn't mind. He only hugs you tighter.

"I'm sorry, yn. So, so, sorry. I should've stopped him before, I just... You two are my best friends and I didn't want to add fuel to the fire by talking and-"

"It's okay, it's okay, I'm the one who should apologize for ghosting you."

"I understand why you did it. I fucked up but I missed you so much. Can we please never do this again?”

“Yes please,” you giggle, but the sound withers as the door opens once again.

"What is she doing here?" a cold voice breaks you and Chan apart, as your eyes land on Han. His gaze sucks the breath out of you, and the warmth in your heart fizzles out. Your hold on Chan’s shirt tightens and he takes an unconscious step in front of your body. Han doesn't miss the protective gesture.

"Get out, yn."

"You don't get to kick my friends out of my house," Chan is angry. And you regret ever coming here.

"Last I checked it's my house too." Han doesn't even bother looking at you. He's holding Chan’s gaze as if they're silently communicating. "You know damn well what she said why-" he takes a deep breath, running a hand angrily through his hair. "Fuck this. If she's not leaving then I am."

And with that he storms out, slamming the door behind him. You flinch at the sound.

Chan’s eyebrows are knitted as he stares at where Han stood seconds ago as if trying to conjure him up once again. You never wanted to strain their friendship. You knew how much Han cared for Chan, even if he didn't bear the same sentiment for you.

"Chan, I’ll leave. Call Han and tell him I'm gone."

"You don't have to."

"I know," you reassure, placing your hand on his forearm. "We'll talk more later, okay? It's cold and he has nowhere to go. Just call him, please."

"Fine," Chan concedes. "Call me when you get home, alright?" his eyes finally soften and you squeeze his hand in reply, before heading out as well.

The walk from Chan’s dorm to yours is fairly short, but tonight, it seems like kilometers are separating you from the safety of your bed. There is a heavy weight crushing your bones, most of it being guilt at what just transpired between Chan and Han.

That's what comes with being sensitive- you bear the weight of your feelings and the one of those surrounding you.

Were you out of place with what you said to Han? Yes. Was it eating you inside to see the consequences of your words? Yes. But he was also to blame, you repeated in your head. He was also to blame. Please. You plead, you don't know to whom, maybe to the voice in your head to stop being so mean. 'But none of this would've happened if you weren't so sensitive. So easy to bruise' the voice mocks and you stumble on your feet.

It happens so suddenly it takes you off guard- the way the breath is knocked out of you. You pause, chest heaving as you bend down slightly. Your hand is on your heart as you try to breathe again, but it's shaking so much. Your legs give out under you, and you plop down on the floor, eyes tightly shut. You can't breathe. You can't breathe. You're going to pass out.

"Yn, what-" A hand rests on your shoulder but you shake it off. You don't want to be touched. Not by him.

"Let me help-" Han speaks again, and you scramble away from him, as best as you can anyway. You end up kneeling on the ground once again, your back to him. "Get-get away."

"I know you're mad but you aren't okay and I know how horrib-"

"You aren't helping!" you shout through tears, as your heart threatens to spill out of your throat. "You’ve hurt me e-enough already."

You don't remember how you got home that night, how you managed to open the door or cross the road leading to your dorm. But you remember Han leaving you on the cold ground, just like you wanted. You remember the ache in your bones as you laid on your bed; the burning desire to stop feeling for a night, to cut your chest open and tear off your bleeding heart.

☄༄

One month later

If there's one thing you've always complained to Chan about, it's the fact that his building had an elevator in it, unlike yours.

Today, you’ve come to regret this fact. Tremendously.

You’ve been avoiding going to Chan’s dorm for the past weeks since the last thing you wanted was to see Han. But, he insisted on you coming over, reassuring you that it would only be him and Changbin at home since Han supposedly had other plans.

Well, Chan was wrong. Because Han just walked into the elevator you are in, mere moments before its doors closed.

Your breath catches in your throat as his eyes lock on yours. He looks like he wants to say something but he decides against it, opting for sighing loudly instead, before pressing the button leading to the fourth floor, rather harshly.

Your need to flee has never been this strong.

You watch anxiously as the numbers slowly go up. 1… 2… 3… Then a loud voice startles you and the elevator starts to shake in place. The door is suddenly opened and you are met with a cement wall, blocking your exit.

"What the fuck?" Han groans as you press the emergency button repeatedly, hoping that the elevator will resume its course and this nightmare will be forgotten.

It doesn’t.

"You’re going to break the goddamn button," Han pushes your hand away and you stumble away from him.

"Can you shut up? I’m not in the mood for your bullshit."

"Does it look like I’m happy to be here?" Han scoffs, as a ringtone plays in the elevator, cutting you off before you could respond. 

"Hey guys, this happens from time to time, so no need to worry. Is everyone alright?" Someone speaks and you assume it's the worker charged with the maintenance of the elevator.

"Yes," you both reply at the same time.

"Great. We’ve contacted the mechanics but they said there’s a lot of traffic, so it might take a bit longer for them to get here."

"How long?" Han asks the question that’s on your mind as well.

"Two hours, at most, for you to get out."

"Oh, for fuck’s sake," you groan, as hot tears prickle at the corner of your eyes. This is the last thing you needed today- to be stuck in a cramped-up space with the one person who sucks the oxygen out of any room you’re in.

"Thanks, man," Han sighs and you turn your back to him, facing the wall. You’ve had a horrible day, scratch that, a horrible week. Hanging out with Chan and Changbin was the one thing you were looking forward to, only for the worst possible scenario to happen- being stuck in the same place with Han. You feel an urgent need to sob but you can’t cry in front of him. Not when he’s all claws and your skin is tender.

"Wait, are you claustrophobic?" He suddenly asks, seemingly inches away from your body.

"As if you’d fucking care," you scoff, before heading to a corner of the elevator and settling down.

"I'm not a monster, you know," he mutters in an almost sad tone, one that forces you to look up at him. His hands are deep into his pockets, eyebrows knitted as he gazes down at you. "Do you really think I’m that much of an asshole?"

"Yes," you reply instantly, before staring forward again. The hurt that flashes in his eyes shouldn’t tug at your heartstrings, but it does, ever so faintly, like the last wave that grazes your feet as you get out of the ocean. "I’m not claustrophobic," you add after a while and Han finally sits on the opposite side from you.

It’s hot and stuffy in the elevator, and it’s quiet, too quiet for your liking. You’ve never really liked silence for too long, it made the small voice in your head only grow bolder, louder, impossible to ignore.

Thirty-five excruciatingly long minutes go by and the tension only grows more suffocating. It’s simmering, barely beneath the surface, waiting for the person who will finally make it explode. 

It’s Han.

“Can I ask you something?”

“No.”

“Come on, we have nothing else to do.”

“Have you tried being silent?”

"Yn," he says sternly and you begrudgingly concede. "Fine. Ask me."

You imagine him smirking slightly, the way he does each time he manages to push you over the edge.

“Why do you hate me so much?”

“We’re not doing this right now,” you shake your head, tone adamant.

"When’s a better time for it? We’re literally never in the same place."

“And whose fault that is?” You smile too sarcastically and he frowns. “So, I’m the only one to blame?”

“Can’t you see how full of yourself you are? Fuck, Han, this is exactly what I hate about you.”

“What are you even talking about?”

“You’re so immature, you never sit back to think of how your words might impact someone.”

"What words yn? I was teasing you!" his voice grows louder and so does yours. "You were hurting me!" you yell, chest heaving. There is something utterly terrifying in this confession- to let someone know how easy it was for them to get to you.

"But I didn’t mean to," he drags a hand through his hair, exasperated. "It's not my fault you felt that way."

An ironic chuckle leaves your lips, as you point at him. "See, you're doing it again! You're blaming me for my reaction instead of evaluating how your actions might have caused it."

"Look, yn," he scrambles to you until there are only a few centimeters separating your bodies. "I really wanna fix this, okay? Can we stop screaming?"

"Why are you so hellbent on fixing it?" you question, as you lean further away from him. He notices and takes a step back, giving you space.

"Because although I don't care about you, I care about Chan. And this is hurting him. So, I want to be civil with you."

The mention of Chan feels like a cold bucket of water dousing the fire within you. You know he’s struggling to be in the middle of two people he loves. He doesn’t deserve that.

"Fine," you sigh softly. “You talk. I’ll listen.”

"I didn't... I didn't know that my words would hurt you. In truth, it looked like you weren't affected at all. That's why I kept pushing you because… God Yn you're so perfect it maddens me."

Your eyebrows knit together at his words- the last thing you expected to stumble out of his mouth. "What are you talking about?"

"You never get sad, never get angry. Your emotions are always in check. You're always smiling, always laughing. Have everything figured out from how you want to be now to where you want to be in the future. And you know yourself, you never step out of order. And this is selfish and stupid but it irked me. Because I am the opposite of you. I'm a mess and too human it terrifies me, so I wanted to see if you had a breaking point. But each time I taunted you, you remained placid. So, I kept pushing to see if you'd break one day because, selfishly enough, that would make me feel better about how broken I am."

"Han, you're so stupid. Aren't you a literal genius? You excel in everything you do and you have fun on top of it, every single night. Don't you realize how lucky you are?"

"Do you really believe I find joy in being wasted and not even remembering what happened that night? I do that because I'm in my mind most of the days and it isn't the best place to be in. So, I like to forget."

“Why do you think I always bury myself in my studies? Because it's safe and it makes me forget too. Did you really think I didn’t feel? I feel too much and that’s the problem.”

Han remains silent as you curse under your breath. "Do you even realize how selfish this is? To test a human's breaking point? All because what? I didn't shove my struggles down your nose? Would you go around and do this to everyone who looked fine to you?"

"I know, I know, I was just in a bad place, and this isn't an excuse but I... I felt as if you were just showing me everything that was wrong with me."

"That is how I felt around you," you chuckle bitterly and he hangs his head low. He’s much quieter when he speaks again. “I guess we’re more similar than I thought.”

"Doesn't excuse what you did. You targeted me and made me feel insane because no one was hearing the hostility in your tone like I did."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. I really am. I never thought it'd get this bad and I deserve every name you called me."

"You do." You close your eyes, as Han’s words wash over you. There is so much more you want to say, so much you want to spit out in his face because of his selfish coping mechanism. But you also want peace, for Chan’s sake. So, you try to bury your resentment, just like you do with every other feeling. One day it’ll turn into indifference. You’ll make sure of it.

You bite your lip, before clearing your throat. Your tone is softer when you speak again. "I'm sorry for what I told you in the library. About you dying alone and whatnot. That wasn't nice of me."

"You really hit the nail with that one," Han chuckles quietly, and guilt floods your heart at the expression on his face. "And I'm sorry for calling you boring. You aren't. And for everything I said before that."

"Okay. It's okay." You reassure, a tiny smile drawn on your lips.

He nods before a sly grin grows on his face. "Should we hug it out?" he teases, cocking an eyebrow at you and you stare pointedly at him. "Don't push your luck."

"Yes, ma'am."

An hour later, the mechanics finally manage to get the elevator going, which in turn allows you both to get out. Han opens the door to the dorm, and you find Chan lying on the couch, scrolling down his phone.

"Han? I thought you would..." he starts before trailing off as he looks up. "Yn? Where were you, I’ve been calling you for the past two hours."

"I didn't have signal."

"Why where were-" Chan goes to question before stopping once again. He hurriedly stands up and walks toward you.

"You... Are standing next to one another."

"We are," Han replies, glancing at you from the corner of his eye.

"And you aren't... Fighting?" his statement comes out more like a question, which makes both you and Han chuckle.

"We aren't."

"We talked it out, in the elevator which we were both just stuck in," you add and Chan’s eyes grow wide, as a breathtaking smile breaks out on his face.

"Oh my god. Finally. We'll talk about the elevator bit later but it's been so hard trying not to be in the same place as the both of you."

"We know. We're sorry," you both pout in sync and Chan shakes his head, before opening his arms wide. You giggle, before walking to him and sinking into his embrace. Han follows you shortly after, and your eyes meet behind Chan’s back. He shoots you a tiny thumbs up.

Is this how a dandelion feels, you wonder, when someone blows on it in the hopes it'll grant their selfish wishes. Only to be tossed away afterward, lifeless.

You drown out the thought before smiling back at Han. It doesn’t reach your eyes.

☄༄

Befriending two-thirds of 3racha holds within it a lot of privileges. The first one is listening to unreleased music, the second is having exclusive insight into their upcoming performances.

Their gigs don't happen as often as they'd like, because they're still students who unfortunately have lots of assignments. But when a window of free time materializes, they unveil their latest productions at vibrant parties, dimly lit bars, or even the occasional club. Which attracts a lot of people, some even coming from neighboring towns to listen to them play.

Everyone can recognize raw talent, even if rap doesn't happen to be their favorite genre.

This is how you know that they'll be performing Heyday, their latest creation, at Seungmin’s party. You've met him in passing, and Chan insisted that you'd come. Not that you needed much convincing anyway, you fell in love with this song the minute you heard it.

There is an exhilarating energy in Seungmin’s mansion, a palpable anticipation preceding 3racha’s performance, as you all gaze at the makeshift stage. The place is packed, bodies pressed tightly to one another. You feel slightly uncomfortable but you swallow it down. You're here to support Chan first and foremost, you can leave if things become too much for you.

The introductory chords materialize abruptly, and 3racha takes the stage. Chan is clad in a white shirt with huge gaps on his sides, revealing glimpses of his chest each time he bends down. Changbin, on the opposite end of the spectrum, is wearing a tightly fitted black shirt, hugging each muscle of his to perfection. Han, the last one to walk in, sports a loose black shirt, with a low neckline. His nails are painted to match the color of his attire, you notice.

The song kicks off with Changbin's incendiary rap as deafening cheers ring all around you. You make sure to scream on top of your lungs too, as Changbin’s loud voice commands the attention of everyone in the room. You’ve always held a penchant for his rap style- how powerful he sounds, and how addicted you quickly become to hearing him on stage. You remember once telling him that any song that starts with his rapping is a successful hit. He playfully nudged your shoulder but his appreciative smile was hard to miss.

Chan’s part is next and you try to rap along, as best as you can anyway due to your fleeting memory. It sounds mostly like gibberish but you don’t mind, especially when your eyes meet Chan’s and he grins at you, before morphing into the mesmerizing stage persona that's peculiar to him. You clearly remember the first time you witnessed him on stage, and how enthralled you were by the sheer power he exuded. His destiny was intertwined with music, no one could deny that. 

A bed squeaking sound comes next, followed by the knocking on the door and you giggle against your will. That was Han’s ingenious touch, as Chan had shared when you'd raised a quizzical brow at him while listening. “Is this based on a real-life experience?” You asked, a knowing smirk etched upon your features, and he pretended to zip his mouth, earlobes turning a vibrant shade of crimson.

Han finally starts rapping in his inimitable style, exuding an effortless, laid-back aura. Your gazes meet at the "let's go play" line, and he tilts his head quizzically at you as he utters his confused "huh?". You raise one eyebrow at him prompting a sly smirk from him, before redirecting his attention to the opposite side of the stage. Yet, your eyes remain on him throughout his entire part.

The boys step off the stage, and you watch from the corner of the room with a wide grin as a swarm of people surrounds them. Congratulations and praise fill the air, and you can tell that 3racha thrives on this moment- it's what they live for, what makes their souls rise up from the ashes. 

Chan catches your eye, and you applaud enthusiastically, letting out a happy giggle. He blows you a kiss, and you playfully pretend to catch it, eliciting a small shake of his head. Changbin, who's standing near him, catches the exchange and winks at you from a distance, to which you respond with two thumbs up.

Even though you're a bit far from them, you're certain the boys can sense the pride radiating from you in waves. There's something truly magical about humans existing in their element, particularly people you care about.

Your gaze shifts to Han, and your smile falters slightly. He's also glowing, but signs of discomfort are starting to creep onto his face. You recognize them fairly well, as you've felt them too at times when emotions become overwhelming. So, after a brief internal debate, you decide to act and begin making your way toward him, pushing through the crowd despite the rising complaints behind you.

They fall on deaf ears.

You grab Han's forearm, pulling him with you through the sea of bodies toward the bathroom. He doesn't fight, following diligently behind you. You open the door and pull him inside, pausing as you realize you don't have a specific plan for bringing him here. This is also the first time you've been alone together since the elevator conversation.

"Thank you," Han whispers, and you nod, your eyes softening. "I'm okay, I love performing, I just needed a breather," he quickly adds, as if feeling guilty for being overwhelmed. 

"That's completely understandable. You are running on a lot of adrenaline, and the room is so crowded," you say with a smile, turning to the mirror to touch up your makeup.

Han remains silent for a while as you powder your face, before reapplying your cherry lip gloss. You can hear him taking in deep breaths, and you avoid looking at him, worried he might feel embarrassed.

"What did you think of the performance?" he finally asks, and you raise your head slightly. You lock eyes with him through the mirror, as he leans against the door, arms crossed in front of his chest. His black t-shirt falls a bit, revealing more of his bare skin, and your eyes trail down for a moment.

"It was really good. I think this song might be my favorite of all yours."

"Really?" Han grins, his words filled with an excitement that warms your heart despite yourself. He's just received heaps of compliments from hundreds of people, yet your words still seem to affect him deeply.

"Yes. I loved your rap, how it started in a laid-back manner, and then you cleared your throat and picked up the pace. It added a unique edge to the song."

"Thank you, really," his smile is genuine, and you giggle softly, shaking your head.

"What's funny?" he asks, walking up to you. You're still facing the mirror, and he's now only inches away from you.

"I didn't imagine you'd appreciate my compliment this much."

"It feels sincere," he shrugs and you nod, finally turning around and leaning against the sink.

"It is sincere."

"Good."

You hold his gaze, eyes only trailing down to go across his face. He looks far different from how he did on stage. Shier, more eager for praise.

"You have..." he steps up until the scent of his cologne tickles your nose. His hand raises ever so slowly to your face, and you hold your breath, as he picks up something from your cheek. His hands are warm.

"An eyelash fell. Make a wish."

A surprised chuckle escapes your lips. "You wish on fallen lashes?"

"You wish on everything when you need hope." his voice is low, a timber so foreign to your ears it sends shivers down your spine. So, you close your eyes, wishing for your heart to quit beating so fast.

"Done," you whisper and he blows the single lash away, his gaze still on you.

"Thank you for coming."

"Of course. I had to support Chan and Changbin." It slips from your mouth before you can stop it, and Han slightly recoils from your words.

"Right, them. Yeah. Of course," he finally backs away, and oxygen fills your lungs once again. "I'm good now. Should we go out?"

"After you," you nod tightly and he walks ahead first, his perfume trailing after him and pulling you into a dizzying dance. 

☄༄

The party Seungmin hosted was your last time having fun for a while. Your preparation for midterm exams began soon after, and you found yourself swarmed with assignments left and right. Thankfully, you and Chan were going through it at the same time, which meant you met at the library each day, revising silently near one another.

Except this time, you were joined by Han.

Goosebumps ran across your skin as he pulled the chair next to you, not the good kind of shivers. You were reminded of the fight you had right here, three months ago. Which still left a bitter taste in your mouth.

You don't hate Han anymore. He's actually funny, and you enjoy listening to his ramblings when you go over to Chan's dorm. He's also really different in his home, much quieter, and softer. Much more like you.

But you're also human, and there is still a part of your brain sending off warning signals at his presence. Maybe because the hurt was never buried properly. You just brushed it off under the carpet after your elevator conversation. Most of it was spent shouting anyway.

"Hey," he greets and you just nod in reply. You can feel his gaze linger on you a bit after that, and a pang of guilt twists in your heart. "Hi," you finally reply, but you tune out his response. Why is it that you're sensitive to everyone's emotions but your own?

Twenty minutes go by, then forty, and you can no longer take the uncomfortable feeling clinging to your skin. So, you excuse yourself, hurriedly stepping out of the library.

Han follows you; you can tell it’s him because someone's chair scraped loudly against the floor as soon as you stood up, and that couldn't be Chan because he is always careful with the silence in the library. So, you put on your headphones and walk faster.

This is childish, surely it is, but you can't control your emotions. You've apologized and so did he, you talk from time to time and you even held his arm and took him to a quiet bathroom. So where is all this bitterness coming from?

"Dammit, yn, how are you so fast?" Han grabs your arm pausing you. He's panting slightly and you just blankly stare as he takes in a deep breath.

"Are you okay?" he finally asks and you nod, turning around to walk away. He stops you again.

"I made you uncomfortable, didn't I?" he asks quietly, and you sigh, rubbing your forehead wearily.

"You didn't do anything, I just... Being in that library reminded me of certain things."

"I know. Me too. Can we please talk?"

"We are talking," you raise your brows and he stares pointedly at you. "Come on you know what I mean."

"Fine," you giggle, "we can talk."

"I didn't apologize properly to you in the elevator. Truth is, I did it because Chan was mad at me and I couldn't stand it anymore."

The bitterness- you understand where it comes from now.

"But I am sorry. Truly sorry. I was selfish and I hurt you and this will sound like a joke, but I hate hurting people. I really do. I was just too wrapped up in my problems that I didn't realize how it would affect you and I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I also shouldn't have tried to kick you out that day, but dying alone is my biggest fear, and seeing you in my home made me want to lose my mind because I couldn't get what you said out of my head, but it was so cold outside and again I shouldn't have told you to go out and I am so sorry-"

"Han, breathe," you smile, cutting him off and Han sucks in a deep breath, chest slightly heaving from talking uninterrupted for a minute straight.

"I'm sorry I just wanted to apologize, properly this time. I'm doing it because I'm guilty, not because of Chan. Nothing excuses my behavior, I know. And I wish I could turn back in time and actually get to know you because you're really cool and very nice, but I can't. All I can do is apologize. So I'm sorry, Yn. I really am."

"I appreciate it," you smile, and Han exhales a little from relief. "I didn't know that was your biggest fear, but even if it wasn't, that was uncalled for. I shouldn't have said something so mean. So, I'm sorry for it too. But I'm not apologizing for being mad, you deserved that."

"I did, I did, I know." He's quick to agree. "I don't want us to be awkward around one another. I'm not telling you that you have to be my best friend but, we can be friends, right? But you also don't have to. It's enough if you forgive me and... You know what? Never mind forget I said anything, I'm just nervous and-"

"Okay."

"Okay?" he repeats.

"We can be friends. I accept your truthful apology."

"Actually?"

"Yes."

"Like we can start over?" he grins and you chuckle at the excitement in his face. "Yes."

"Can we hug it out?"

"Too soon," you pout and he nods, a faint blush dusting his cheek.

"Right. Should we go back to the library? I saw that you were stuck on a question. I can help you."

"You won't make any comments?"

"No. Pinky promise." he outstretches his pinky towards you and you muse over it for a bit, before wrapping your finger around his. You grin at Han- your first genuine smile since he's known you. His hold on your pinky falters.

"Okay. I'm in."

.☄༄

Five weeks later- 1:13 a.m.

You were still slightly cautious near Han as if you were both threading along an invisible line. You could talk, but not too much, afraid any old animosity would shine through. And you could stay together, but not too long, in case it gets awkward and you wouldn't know what to do. So, you never mixed, just like water and oil, each of you knowing their place, away from the other.

But you still didn't want to miss out on outings with your friends. So, when Chan invites you for a movie night with Han, and Changbin, you don't say no.

The night runs smoothly, the warm beer you had easing your nerves bit by bit. It was also easier to forget that you once hated Han when he brought tears to your eyes from laughing so hard.

2:56 a.m.

An unbearable heat suddenly envelopes you, your very blood boiling from within. You hesitantly look down, to find your entire body bathed in red, as if your skin had melted away, exposing you to the scorching heat embracing your tender flesh.

You are in the heart of a volcano, with lava bubbling dangerously below. Hanging by a frail thread, you dangle over the edge of death.

And then, you plummet. 

You startle awake, your heart pounding in your chest, your hand clutching it tightly. Cold sweat clings to your skin, and it takes you a few moments to realize that you're safe, far from the inside of the volcano that had threatened to consume you.

You glance at your phone- 3:43 a.m. You read. It's only been a mere hour since you went to sleep. You don't think you could drift back into slumber. 

Dragging a hand tiredly across your face, you walk into the pitch-black kitchen. You pour yourself a glass of water, hoping that the icy drink will cool you down. You are safe.

"What are you-" you startle, dropping the glass and spinning around, hand pressed to your heart.

"Han, fuck, you scared me," you sigh, tugging at your hair slightly and he's quick to your side, a string of hushed apologies tumbling from his lips.

"I'm sorry, here let me clean it up," he kneels and you follow suit, grabbing his hands and gently pushing them away. "No, I dropped it, let me clean," you reassure, but your hands are trembling as you pick up the shards of glass, any bit of logic clouded by your racing thoughts.

Your heartbeat's ringing loudly in your ears, you barely register the glass cutting your skin until an uncharacteristic warmth oozes from your hand. Blood.

"Shit," you curse lowly and Han illuminates the place with his phone flashlight. "Did you cut yourself?" he asks and you shake your head, walking over to the sink.

"It's nothing, don't worry."

"Yn, let me see," he's standing behind you, the ghost of his breath grazing your exposed neck.

"Han, really it's-" he cuts you off, grabbing your forearm and walking you over to the couch. He finally turns on the lights before crouching down in front of you.

"Show me?" he asks gently and you're too tired to fight him. You open your palm tentatively, taking a look at your cut for the first time as well. It's not too deep, it won't require stitches. But it's also not shallow, blood oozing from it at a steady rhythm.

Han simply frowns upon gazing at your wound, before walking over to his room. You don't move from your spot, gaze lost into the space before you. What would happen if you never woke up? Would you feel your flesh burning? Bones melting as the searing lava-

"Here," he gently holds your wrist, as his eyes meet yours. "This will hurt a bit. Hold my arm as tight as you want and tell me if it becomes too much, okay?"

"Okay," you simply nod.

He dabs up your cut with a cotton pad soaked in alcohol. You hiss softly, as the liquid burns your open skin. Han abruptly stops at the sound. "Did I hurt you? I'm so sorry I didn't mean to I just-"

"It's okay," you smile reassuringly, "I can handle it."

Han nods, resuming his treatment. He's even softer this time, if that is even possible. He's careful when he rubs a soothing gel on your cut, before wrapping your palm in a gauze. He can't find a pair of scissors so he cuts it with his teeth, his lips brushing against the back of your hand. You account the warmth you're suddenly feeling to the aftermath of your nightmare.

"Why are you even up?" he finally asks as he settles next to you on the couch, eyes looking up to the ceiling.

"Nightmare."

"You’re okay?" he asks gently and he sounds truly concerned for your well-being. You aren't used to this. To Han acting like a friend to you. But it feels nice to be cared for, so you don't mind him blurring the lines tonight.

"I'm still a little bit scared," you admit sheepishly and Han's eyes soften under the dim moonlight.

"It passed. You're okay now."

"Am I?" you drag a hand tiredly across your face and Han frowns, inching closer to you.

"Is it a recurring dream?"

"Mm. It tires me out."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, I just want to forget." 'Help me forget' you want to add, but you decide against it. "Why were you up, anyway?"

"I got inspiration for lyrics so I had to write it down."

"Can you share some with me?" you ask, tone a tad too hopeful. Han catches it and smiles warmly at you.

"Sure. This is probably going to be in the chorus..." he pulls out his phone, heading to his notes app. "This is what I have so far... I let my frustrated screams out hoping that they’d be washed away in the rain. I send it off with a smiling face, down to the last drops left on my fingertips." he pauses, scrolling down a bit more. "I also wrote this; I think it'll be nice in a verse... I’m sure it’ll get better... Just like the earth hardens after the rain and flowers bloom again."

"You're such a talented lyricist Han," you whisper in awe, and Han’s cheeks warm up at your words, reminiscent of a setting sun. "But I also wish it was as easy as this. To let out all the emotions you bottle inside and for them to wash away with the rain." You bite your lip, as Han’s words echo in your head. "I think... I think that's why I get this nightmare. I don't free my emotions anymore, and they show up in my dreams to torment me."

You don't know where these bouts of honesty are coming from. Maybe because you're too weary to keep up a happy facade. Or maybe because you know that the person who wrote these lyrics must understand exactly how you feel.

"Well... It's raining." Han whispers after a while and you look at him, confusion plastered across your features.

"And?"

"Should we test it out?"

"Test what?"

"Screaming under the rain," he says as if it's the most evident thing in the world.

"What? That's insane, Han we will get sick and..." You pause, as the words dissolve in your mouth like the seafoam meeting the shore. "You know what? Let's do it!"

"Really?" he asks incredulously, a huge grin on his face.

"Yes!"

"Okay, let's go!"

You both abruptly stand up, still only clad in your pajamas. You quickly slip your shoes on before running outside. The rain envelops you in a cold hug as soon as you step outside, rain droplets trickling down your clothes. You don't mind, you have lots of bottled-up feelings to free. 

"This needs music," Han smiles as he takes out his phone, putting his playlist on shuffle. 'Let The Light In' starts playing, and you shoot him a thumbs-up.

"It fits the rainy mood," you grin and he nods, squinting his eyes to be able to look at you.

"I think if we scream here, we'll scare the neighbors."

"I know!" you chuckle, wiping away the rain droplets on your forehead. "Where should we go?"

"The empty parking lot!" Han shouts so you'll hear him over the growing rain and you nod. He takes off running and you chase after him. You're both completely drenched once you're a bit far away from the house. But you don't care. Not when there is pure adrenaline rushing through you.

You finally stop, loud giggles escaping your mouth at the thrill of what you're doing. "You should start!" you yell excitedly and Han nods, taking in deep steadying breaths.

"Okay, I'm ready!"

"On the count of three! One... Two... Three!" and Han shouts at the top of his lungs, his screams getting lost in the rain. An incredulous smile breaks out on his face as you giggle loudly, the sound of it ringing out in the downpour.

"You looked insane!"

"I feel insane!" He yells honestly and a fit of laughter takes over you both. You hold his arm to steady yourself. 

"You should try it now!" Han urges and you nod, willing yourself to calm down. 

"Okay, will you count down for me?" 

"Yes," he assures and you clap excitedly. Han can't help but smile at the excitement on your face.

"One... Two... Three!" And you shout, continuous screams spilling from the depths of your soul. Han wasn't wrong- your pain, your fear, your anger are all dripping along the rain droplets, from your bruised heart to the tip of your fingers.

You've never felt this free before.

The two of you don't notice the passage of time, the rain acting as a cathartic release to all your pent-up emotions. It was as if your pain intertwined with each rain droplet, and you were letting go of everything that had held you down. Each scream acted as a break from the burdens of the past, and the worries of the future. 

As you finally stopped, panting and soaked to the bone, you looked at each other with raw exhilaration in your eyes.

"So, how was it?" Han yells over the rain and you break out in a relieved smile. "I don't think I’ve ever been this happy my entire life," you beam at him and the sight makes the rain feel less colder to Han. 

He watches, a small smile on his face as you twirl around, face looking up toward the sky, a deluge of rain grazing your cheeks like a lover's tender touch. The smile doesn't leave your face as you spin around, happy chuckles leaving your mouth from time to time.

You look... free. As if there was an invisible weight on your shoulders that the rain washed away. A heavy burden that you carried within you, like a secret secret. He likes the sound of that. Maybe that's what he'll name his song. 

Han slightly shakes his head as he watches you skip around, clothes completely soaked. You are now standing a bit far away, right beside a street lamp.

Ooh, let the light in

Its light shines on you alone.

Time seems to slow down, as Han’s steps falter. You're smiling, not at him, but at the universe. A happiness so raw filling you that it needs to come out, even if no one's watching.

You're spinning around, delighted giggles spilling from you like the most mesmerizing chorus. Something is building up inside Han, begging for a release. It refuses to come out in a scream- violently. It's tender and soft. He thinks that if you held his hand right now, you'd be able to free it.

Look at us, you and I back at it again

Is it possible to feel something other than an emotion? Because right now, weirdly, all he feels is you.

Cause I love to love to love to love you

I hate to hate to hate to hate you

Your eyes land on Han and there is pure joy dancing in your pupils. He's glad you no longer despise him. He doesn't think he can stomach it anymore.

Cause I want to want to want to want you

You run to him, holding his hand before twirling him around.

I need to need to need to need you

Han can't believe he ever thought you weren't human enough. You are a mosaic of every feeling that makes one human. There are lyrics writing themselves in his head and they're all about you.

Ooh, let the light in

You clasp both his hands, before crossing them over. And then you're both spinning around until the world around you blurs. All he sees is you, and the light surrounding you alone.

Ooh, turn your light on

He thinks he might, if the light is you.

5:22 a.m

"There is a heater in my room, you should come," Han offers as you dry your hair with the blue towel he just handed you.

"It's okay I’ll stay here," you point to the couch but he shakes his head adamantly. "You'll die from hypothermia. Do you know how mad Chan will be if I let you pass away?" he whispers in fear, a hand clutching his heart.

"So dramatic," you giggle, before following him into his room. He goes on his bed first before tapping the spot beside him. You sigh before lying next to him, snuggling further into the hoodie he gave you to change.

"You're still shivering," he remarks, as your teeth clink together.

"It's okay."

"You shouldn't have gone out with just a t-shirt."

"I didn't exactly plan on this, you know," you smile sarcastically and Han chuckles before tapping your shoulder softly.

"Come closer."

You debate for a second before complying, the cold tuning out all the rational thoughts in your head. 

Your arm brushes against his and you can't breathe once again. But it's a different type of deprivation. Han always seems to steal the oxygen from your lungs, but for once, you don't mind. Red embers are burning within you and their flames keep you alive. You press your chest to his back, as your forehead rests on his shoulder. Maybe he'll turn you to ashes. Will you rise from them?

"You're so cold," his hand reaches behind to rub your arms soothingly, an earnest attempt to warm you up.

"I’ll be fine, go to sleep. Don't worry about me."

"I can't control it."

In the dark room, Han can't see you curling your hand into a tight fist at his words. 

"If you stay quiet then I’ll sleep," you say after a while and Han giggles softly.

"That's the goal. You need to rest."

"You should sleep too."

"I will."

"Okay. Good night, Han."

"Good night, Yn."

You think he's fallen asleep when you speak up again. "Hey, Han."

"Yes, Yn?" He replies instantly, voice slightly hoarse. 

"Can you repeat that lyric to me, about the flowers blooming again?" You ask quietly, and you feel him nodding against your chest.

"I’m sure it’ll get better... Just like the earth hardens after the rain and flowers bloom again."

His warm voice vibrates within your body. "That's a nice lyric."

"I hope you'll dream of it instead."

☄༄

Against Han’s strong belief, he's the one who fell sick after your rain-soaked outing. 

You knew of it from Chan, who texted you saying that Han caught a nasty cold, and then got food poisoning, which meant he couldn't be there for their highly anticipated meeting—after their electrifying Heyday performance, a record label expressed strong interest in signing them. 

"Can you come over and stay with Han?" Chan implores as soon as he answers your call.

“That bad?” You ask, a pout pulling at your lips.

"I don't want to leave him alone. He's been really sick for the past week now, and… it's partly your fault"

"I can’t believe you’re guilt-tripping me into coming," you chuckle even though you know he is right. Han wouldn’t have gotten out in the rain if it wasn’t for you.

"I'm sorry it’s just I don't think he's been good, apart from the illness. And I’m worried, and I don’t know I thought maybe you could talk to him. He reminds me of you, in his sadness, so you might understand what's wrong more than me."

You think it over for a second before rising up from your bed.

"I'm coming"

As soon as you step inside their dorm, Chan pulls you for a side hug, placing a quick kiss on your forehead. “Thank you so much,” he whispers, clearly grateful that you agreed to come. It worries you even more for Han.

“No problem. You can go, I’ll be with him.”

“Thank you, Yn” Changbin smiles before hastily pulling Chan outside the door. You wave them both goodbye.

You cautiously crack open the door to Han’s room, to find it completely engulfed in darkness. The stream of light from the door falls upon Han, who squints his eyes, trying to see who disrupted his fragile peace.

"Hi," you speak softly, finding it a bit odd to raise your voice in such a still room. Han attempts to sit up, before doubling over, hand tightly clutched around his stomach.

You rush to his side, kneeling beside his bed. It's the only lit-up part of the room.

"Still hurts?" you ask, your hand moving in soothing circles on his back. He nods, eyes squeezed shut, and you feel your heart crack at the sight.

"Have you taken any medicine?"

"A few hours ago. I need to eat something before I can take more, but I can't get up to the kitchen."

"Why didn't you tell the boys?"

"Didn't want to be a burden."

"You aren't. I'll make you something to eat. Okay? Try to sleep meanwhile."

"You don't have to," Han shakes his head, his eyes finally meeting yours.

"I know," you smile softly, before exiting the room.

Minutes later, you're back in the room, a bowl of sliced fruit in your hands.

"Do you guys live off protein powder and frozen chicken?" you ask, earning a quiet laugh from Han as he lays his back against the headboard.

"We do. Please save me," he jokes and you laugh, shaking your head. "Good thing I grabbed some fruit before leaving."

"Thank you," he grins, eyes slightly squinting closed. 

"Here," you grab a strawberry, bringing it to his lips. His eyebrows raise up in surprise, a sheen layer of sweat coating them. "What? Look at how tightly you're clutching the comforter," you point to his hands and Han sighs, before parting his lips slightly.

His mouth brushes against your fingertips, igniting a cascade of emotions in you. You'll think about what it means later.

You grab a green grape next, feeding it to him gently. A drop of water trickles down the corner of his mouth, and you wipe it away with the back of your finger.

"I can- I can do it," Han mumbles, voice wavering like an unpredictable storm. His trembling hands reach for the bowl, but they struggle to hold it right.

"Han, it's okay, I don't mind," you try to keep your voice gentle, sensing that there is an impending doom awaiting just below the surface.

"No, I- I need to do it. Just let me-" A tear falls into the fruit bowl. "Let me do it, please. I can- I can do it, I’m not useless, I…"

The floodgate opens.

A stream of tears escapes Han's eyes as he looks down at the bowl between his hands. He's crying, eyes tightly shut and the small whimpers escaping his lips feel like a dagger piercing your heart.

"You're sick. Let me take care of you."

"It's horrible horrible work." His voice cracks as his eyes finally lock on yours, and you can tell that his anguish isn't about his illness. These are the words of the shadows threatening to swallow him whole. You have to fight them off with the light.

"I will do it."

As Han lays on his bed, the sound of you washing the dishes resonating from the kitchen, your voice bounces off the dark walls in his head. You didn't try to convince him that it was easy work, you told him you'll do it, even if it's horrible. You'll do it because you want to, not because you can, not because it's accessible. The thought sends a warmth in his chest. It's faint, like a flickering candle trying its best to withstand the wind. But it's there. He holds on to it. He'll shield it with his cupped hands so it wouldn't fizzle out. 

"Hannie, you’re okay?" you peer into the room. Hannie- the candle's flame grows higher.

"Mm," he hums, too weak to turn and look at you.

"You're shivering," you remark, and he tightens the blanket around his body. "It'll pass."

You stay silent, and he thinks you've left the room. But then he feels the left side of the bed dip, with you climbing tentatively on it.

"This worked last time when I was cold," you smile softly at him, before bringing his head to your chest and wrapping your arms around his shoulders. He feels frail and fragile in your embrace. You hug him tighter to you.

"Warming up?" you ask and he nods against your chest. He's burning.

"Try to sleep," you urge quietly, your hand moving to pat his back. "It will pass."

"What if it doesn't?" Han asks faintly. Please don't let the candle die, he wants to plead.

"There is always light at the end of the tunnel."

"What if the tunnel is closed?"

"Then you go back to the start and find a new one," you respond.

"Can I find it later? I'm so tired tonight." His voice is drowsy, sleep already clinging to his achy bones. 

"Just rest for now. You did well," you scratch his back lightly, as he nuzzles further into the crook of your neck. 

There was never a candle to begin with- you were the light.

☄༄

Had someone told you five months ago that you'd be lying on Han's bed, watching "Howl's Moving Castle" at 2 a.m., you would've thought they were utterly delusional.

Yet, here you are now.

A lot of things had changed since your rainy outing with Han, as if the universe had shifted into alignment, two stars in the sky finally colliding and making way for something new. You saw him under a different light, understanding that no one picks up a dandelion unless they desperately need the solace it provides.

You've grown to care for him, in the course of the past two months. And funnily enough, you've started to like who you were next to him- just yourself, with no pressure of making conversation, or catering to his expectations of you.

He saw you at your worst anyway, and so did you, there was no use in filtering things anymore.

You've been there through the entire process of writing, composing, and producing Secret Secret- the song whose lyrics had captured your heart. You didn't expect him to ask you to be there with him, he just shot you a text, three days after you came over to his house. 'Wanna be there while I work on the song? I know you liked the lyrics.' It was an offer you couldn't pass up on.

You weren't, in your opinion, much help. Han was gifted in the music realm and song-making flowed naturally from him. But he noticed how interested you were in music, so he called you over each time he worked on the song, even asking for your input at times.

That's why, when the song was finally done and released on 3racha's Spotify account, you decided to celebrate by baking him a cake. You may have dropped an eggshell in the batter (you recovered it later on), and the icing's color turned out less vibrant than what you hoped for. But you managed to adorn it with a garden of little flowers, and with store-bought icing, you wrote the words "after the rain flowers will bloom again."

You showed up to the dorm and Changbin pointed you to Han's room, where he had apparently been holed up all day. You shot him a grateful smile, before pushing the door open with your foot.

"What are you doing here?" Han asked, an incredulous smile drawn on his lips.

"Surprise!" you grinned, pushing the cake his way. "Congrats on making Secret Secret."

"Are you serious?" he chuckled, jumping out of his bed. He peered at the cake, eyes softening as he gazed down at the design.

"You drew a little garden..." he whispered in awe and you nodded, a faint blush creeping up your face.

"I'm glad you recognized what it was. I'm not the best baker," you admit a bit shyly but he shook his head. "It's perfect. I can't believe you did this to celebrate our baby!"

"Your baby," you corrected, although the use of 'our' warmed up your chest, weirdly enough.

"You were here with me every step of the way. She's ours."

"It's a she?" you giggled, and he smiled proudly.

"Mm. Do you accept being her mother?" he mused; hands clasped in front of his heart like he was praying you'd say yes.

"It would be my greatest honor," you nodded solemnly, and he let out a breathy chuckle, grabbing the cake from your hands and setting it on his bed.

"Should we hug it out?" he teased, arms stretched wide but you merely stared at him, unimpressed.

"Come on," he whined, "you can't reject me for the third time. And, in front of our child. On her birthday!" his tone grew louder and you couldn't help but giggle at his mock outrage.

"Try harder."

"Our child won't know what a loving parent relationship is and then she'll seek out unhealthy love from the ones around her and-" you cut him off by finally wrapping your arms around him.

You've always known that being near Han left you breathless, but this time, it felt as though he was breathing life into you. You close your eyes instinctively, as his hold tightens on you. He smells immensely nice, like pinewood and soap. You should've hugged him sooner.

"Thank you," he said quietly, forehead pressed against your shoulder blade.

"You did well," you whisper back.

"We did. She's our child, remember?" he reprimanded and you laughed faintly.

"Yeah, ours."

Hours later, the movie's credits finally roll down, and the finished cake sits idly by Han's desk.

"I should go," you rub your eyes tiredly, and Han stares at you as if you are out of your mind.

"At this hour? Do you want our kid to lose her mom?"

"Han," you drawl, hitting his head with the pillow next to you. "You can't hold me hostage."

"I can, as your husband."

"Since when are we married?"

"Since you agreed to be Secret's mother." Another playful hit to his face.

"Stop attacking my face, how will I get laid then?"

"So, you are cheating on me?" you ask, feigning outrage.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry baby you're the only one I want." You falter at the nickname before hitting him even harder, matching the tempo of your quickening heartbeat.

"You're crazy," he laughs, grabbing your wrists and pinning you onto the bed. He's hovering over you, eyes hooded with a tender intensity as he gazes down at you.

"Will you stay, please?"

"The couch is uncomfortable," you reply, avoiding his eyes. He lets go of one wrist before holding your chin gently, urging you to look at him.

"You can sleep here. We've done it before."

"You were freezing both times. That's why I did it."

"I'm very cold tonight," he pouts, eliciting a surprised chuckle from you.

"Are you now?"

"Very much so."

"Fine. Only because I don't want you to die from hypothermia."

"Thank you!" he grins excitedly, finally letting go of your wrist. You bring a hand to your flushed cheeks, as he tosses a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants in your direction.

"Get changed! There is a spare toothbrush in the cabinet."

You make sure to groan theatrically, before heading into the bathroom, where you splash your face repeatedly with water. You aren't used to this- being a blushy mess, because of Han, nonetheless. It was dizzying you, how things took the complete opposite turn between you and him.

At least, back then you weren't alone in your hate, you couldn't stand being alone in your affection.

So, you'd stop this, whatever feeling that's coursing through you. Tomorrow, you will firmly close the door on the blooming feelings within you. But tonight, you’d both lay on the same bed, arms brushing against one another. It's completely dark and quiet, but there is an entire symphony playing within you.

"Thank you for today," he whispers, turning around and tucking his arm under his head, this way he's facing you.

You mirror his actions, and your fingertips brush against one another. You can't see him but you can feel him. He's everywhere, wrapping around all your senses. 

"Thank you for making this song. It's very comforting to me."

"Why is that?" he questions, inching closer to you, you can feel his minty breath fan all over your face.

"I’ve always felt like I carried too many emotions within me. Like a volcano, bubbling over until the day I explode. I never liked feeling this way, so I tried to hide it," you confess softly.

"Like a secret secret."

"Like a secret secret," you repeat, glad that he understands.

"You don't have to hide with me," he says after a few silent beats, and you swallow nervously.

"I know." you lick your lips as the music inside you grows louder. "Still cold?"

"A little."

"Come closer," you beckon, and he complies instantly, wrapping his arm behind your back and drawing your chest close to his. Your legs entangle with one another, as your face lays on the crook of his neck. It's intimate, far more than any time you've done it before. You don't want to sink in his hold in fear of never resurfacing again.

"Good?" he asks, voice tinged with a newfound raspiness. 

"Mm," you hum, and he releases a relieved sigh.

You've once read that everything in this universe sings. Every atom's vibration creates a sound, contributing to a grand celestial chorus. It's an unscientific, but lovely thought, to wonder who our hearts sing for.

Right now, it's for Han.

☄༄

The music echoes through your being, an ever-present melody that refuses to fade into silence. Even with no audience to enjoy it.

Han always found his way back to your side, no matter how many times you've tried to distance yourself from him. And you couldn't bring yourself to refuse him, because you were friends, first and foremost. And friends don't abandon one another just because a mere glance at them sprouts a blush across your cheeks. 

That's how you find yourself on your way to Han's dorm, for the third time that week. Watching movies together has become your little tradition, for the past few months, and sometimes even Chan joins in. Although he mostly enjoys shooting you a knowing smile, to which you flip him off.

Your phone rings and Han's name illuminates your screen. You smile against your will.

"Can't wait to see me this much?" you singsong and Han's chuckle rings through the phone. It's rich and deep, causing you to tighten your hold on the device.

"Yes. And can you please go to the store? I'm out of snacks."

"What do I get out of it?" you muse, changing directions to the nearest convenience store.

"Snacks."

"Asshole," you giggle on your way to cross the road.

"And my eternal gratitude of course."

"Right, because I can't-" Loud tires screech right beside you and you startle, letting out a loud yelp as you drop your phone.

A hand on top of your heart, you bend down to pick up your fallen device, as the driver gets out of the car that grazed your body, mere inches away from hitting you. 

"Are you okay, miss? I'm sorry I didn't see you." The middle-aged man is quick to your side, and you glance at the small kid in his car, willing yourself to calm down for their sake.

"I'm fine. Just a bit startled. Drive more slowly, there is a kid with you."

"I know, I'm sorry," he drags a hand through his stressed features and you couldn't help but feel sympathy for him. "It's okay, don't worry about it. Just pay more attention to the road, okay?"

"Thank you so much. Thank you," he clasps his hand in gratitude before getting back to his car and you wave him off, your heart still wildly beating in your chest.

You head into the convenience store, picking up the snacks you know Han loves before paying for them. But as soon as you step back outside, you spot a disheveled Han crossing the road, sprinting toward the store. His pace quickens upon spotting you.

"What are you..." your question is cut short as his arms wrap around you, pulling you to his chest instantly. You can feel the frantic rhythm of his heart, and you're confused as he pulls away, hands cradling your cheeks and turning your face left and right.

"You're alright, nothing happened to you, right? You’re okay?" he inquires urgently and you let out a confused giggle, as you grab his arm to steady him.

"What are you talking about?"

"I heard the tires screech and you yelled and then you didn't pick up when I called and I thought-" his voice cracks. "I thought something happened to you."

"No, no. I'm okay. Nothing happened, I promise." you reassure, as he brings you to his chest once again, his hand smoothing the top of your hair.

"I was so scared," he kisses your temple, as his thumping heart resounds within your chest. "So terrified that something would happen to you. I thought I'd lose my mind."

"You don't mean that," you shake your head slowly, peeling yourself away from him.

"Can you really not see how much I care about you? How I crave being near you?" his voice raises a slight octave. The music in you picks up.

"How long do I have to pretend to be cold to have you nearby? For god's sake, I'm never cold around you, yn. When I see you, I ignite." He takes in a deep breath, pressing his forehead onto your shoulder. "And I... I couldn't have lived with myself if something happened to you. I... You drive me crazy, Yn. When we became friends it felt like I was stepping inside a home for the first time, and yet I already knew each turn in it."

He grabs your arms, shaking you slightly as his chest heaves up and down. "My darkness recognizes yours and my light is you and you- you think I wouldn't care if anything happened to you?"

He shakes his head as tears prickle in the corners of his eyes. Has his music always been this loud, were you just not listening properly?

"I'm scared because we didn't start well and I understand if a part of your heart still resents me, I do. But I don't think I can pretend anymore. Not with you," his voice softens as his gaze locks on yours.

"Were you pretending too?" He asks, hope dripping from his tone. "Do you feel it too?"

A split second goes by. A candle flickering somewhere. A dandelion plucked from the ground. The shadow of a cloud passing over the sun- and you pick.

"I feel it too. So much that my heart feels like it’s singing for you, Han."

"I'll sing for it in return," he whispers, before crashing his lips onto yours. His hand slides up the back of your neck, drawing you closer. You drop the bags of groceries as you cradle his cheeks, feeling them warm up beneath your touch. You can't believe you've ever disliked your heart for feeling too much, not when the lovely emotions flowing in your heart threaten to burst it at the seams, submerging you in a warmth you've never known before- Han. 

Two months later

You have 3 new messages from: hannie

"kept this song a secret from you baby but i wrote it for you so you can't be mad"

"i don't know if you remember but you’ve once told me that you are a volcano. as if that’s something that’s supposed to put me off. well, some people dedicate their lives to studying volcanos. and i would dedicate mine to learning you."

"Volcano.mp3."

Light.

[j00stkl31n]

https://www.tumblr.com/j00stkl31n/757323542803202048/fuck-now-that-i-know-one-of-you-is-into-spencer-my?source=share

yesss hi I'm that anon :3 can i be 🍞/bread anon for convenience? i would love to share some spence daydreaming scenarios/concepts, but I'm still developing them 🤭🥲

I'm watching a lot of smosh vids with spencer, mainly gaming ones, and he has some delicious moments 🥵🥵 usually it's something with his voice or his mannerisms-- i feel so weird sometimes that i need rewind some part of the video just to observe him do something hot, but having a crush will do that to ya 🤷‍♀️

Fuck yeah you can be bread!!!!!🍞

You’re all good! Take your time coming up with those scenarios to make them the best 😈💖

I feel like Amanda a lot honestly cuz like I’m not into into Spencer? But he does hot things and it makes my brain take a step back X3

Like ay wow why are you hot rn dude? Kinda thoughts lololol

And gods yeah I do the same shit //especially with Damien 🫣//

Okay fuck now I gotta talk about that one video Damien’s in where they’re trying to make the best asmr for Amanda in a part of the game (? I can’t remember exactly what video off the top of my head actually) and he’s holding a fucking hanger and says something like “I can’t believe we’ve known each other for this long and haven’t kissed. Alright then let’s kiss for the first time” and it’s so fucking like bassy and chest voice and aaaAAAAH

Okay if I’m gonna talk about hot moments- Shayne as dio/?/ from jojos for Damien’s funeral?! I’ve always like known Shayne’s hot but he’s always been big brother vibes the entire time I’ve watched smosh, so seeing him in that outfit and nails?! Good goooooodddddds dude wtf?!!!

Also as a massive woman enjoyer- COURTNEY MY LOVE HOLY SHIT SHES SO HOT IN EVERY FUCKING VIDEO!!!!!!!!!! The recent darts video?! Fuck meeeeee bro!!! Ugh gods Arasha tooooooo 🫣🫣🫣

Ian and Anthony stop hiring hot people challenge when 😤

I was watching a comp of Spencer moments last night and I’ll say there’s one clip in there I don’t know the og video but everything about him is so hot?! It’s when he had like kinda long hair and wasn’t wearing his glasses as often ugh. Love me a fem man X3

I may not be like suuuuuuper into him attraction wise //yet lmao// but he’s so fucking funny I watch comps of him all the time 😭

The gentlemen shit? My fucking favorite.

If it wasn’t so funny to me I’d find it more hot lmao.

Okay I have realized you’ve triggered my trap card, I go the fuck off about smosh any fucking time of day. I’m literally only up cuz I had to go to the bathroom. It’s 7am on an off day 😤 but nah talking about smosh, that’s better than sleep X3

[suncthynuts]

You ask Luffy to call you 'Honey'

note,,, I rewatched the Red Film and it was still *chef's kiss* absolutely amazing. The songs were out of this world. Anyway, it made me want to write something one piece related sooo yeah.

wc. 450

“Y/nnnnnn, come eat with meeeee~” arms and legs around you as he whines about going out to the island they just arrived at. “Luffy, I just ate. I’m too full right now,” you pulled on his cheek before going back to reading the book you got from Robin.

“But Y/nnnnnn I want to explore the island with you after, tooooooo,” with a sigh you force him off you and turn to face him.

“Fine, but under one condition. Call me ‘Honey’” a small grin starts to stretch your face as his own morph into confusion. “Ehhh??? But you're not honey though? Do you taste like honey??” He scratches his head before inching closer, mouth opening, ready for a bit.

"HEY LUFFY!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!!" Right before he could, Nami was quick to pull him away and smack him hard on the head, "Oww, what was that for?" She gave him a pointed look before lecturing him about respecting other people's personal space.

"Aww, whatever. Honey, let's go!" Before Nami could do anything, Luffy had already taken your arm and pulled you with him to the island.

“You'll come with me now that I'm calling you 'Honey' right??"

A bit startled that he actually agreed you just stared at his face as you two landed on the port with Nami still shouting from the ship. But you remembered that this is Luffy and he probably doesn't see this as anything romantic.

"Honey??"

"Oh, sorry. Didn't think you would actually agree," Disappointment filled you but you did your best not to show it.

"Eh? Why wouldn't I? I like you, I will do anything to have you with me, hihihihi"

"..." There's no way he meant it that way... right?

"L-like? What kind... actually nevermind," You were too flustered to continue what you were saying. Luffy's hand gripped your arm which made you turn to him. He had that wide-eyed look before he slowly started thinking, "What kind of like? HMMMM, the same when people want to be together! Like- like husband and wife type of like!!!"

"!!!" Speechless from the sudden confession, you covered your red face due to the embarrassment.

"Eh, Honey?" After you had calmed down a bit, you immediately dragged him to the village that he wanted to find a place to eat in.

"Let's go eat, it's my treat... but you have to buy me a ring after," Your other arm partially covered your face because it was still red from what had just happened.

"OK!! LET'S GO EATTTTT," Luffy who you were holding by the arm held your hand and pulled you with him to the nearest restaurant he could see.

"Let's go, honey, hihihi"

Hope you all liked it! Reblogs and likes are always appreciated <33

[ziaron]

I love when a big, scary yandere gets an OUNCE of affection from their darling and suddenly they melt like putty in their hands. Even if it's clearly a ploy for more freedom, they can't help but indulge in sweet kisses and kind words, if only for a moment before the Darling tries something a little too risky and has to be put back in their place.

Vjsogihfkfo ME TOOOOOOO AH,,,, lemme get on w the story >;)

Your mind is racing as you feel yourself about to keel over and die at any second. A moment ago you knew exactly what was coming... flinching when responding to him meant you'd at the very least get a few hits to the face, adding onto a growing collection of bruises.

Although now, you wait anticipation and terror after kissing him almost instantaneously in an effort to avoid any sort of punishment.

Both your widened eyes locked onto one another, till he slowly covers his mouth with the back of his hand...

'Wait. . . am I not going to be punished? holy shit.'

With his other hand, he reaches for the top of your head and pats it awkwardly before leaving the room, and you, behind.

The following day began differently than every day prior. Instead of the usual constant berating and sadistic torture he was oddly quiet. Content with simply watching you in fascination as you eat food for the first time in a few days- thanks to him no less.

'I'm not stupid- obviously getting him to think I like him is key to getting the fuck out of here.. I wish I didn't waste all that time screaming... maybe I could have been out already.' your heart aches at the thought of life before- him...

He never gave you his name and you never asked so it's always been 'him' 'asshole' 'piece of shit' and any other slurry of insults you could get in before getting your ass handed to you. But he never broke you. Ever. You refused it purely out of spite and anger, and the worse it got the more anger you had to hold onto.

"Hey.." You soften the tone of your voice till it became almost a whisper. He jerks his head up and replies..

"Yes?"

"The handcuffs... can you take them off."

His face fills with anger and suspicion until you quickly add "I wanna hug you. I... I had a really bad dream..."

it's the only thing you could really come up with in time.. 'What am I a child? He's totally going to kill me... fuck fuck fuck!'

Silence filled the room but you couldn't bring yourself to even glance in his direction until you hear him say "Mm." Before gently taking off the handcuffs and squeezing you tightly.

'Holy fuck- holy fuck- holy fuck it worked. It fucking worked oh my god.' Is what your thinking as your hands cautiously embrace them back.

You're not weak, you remind yourself. It isn't weak to cry. It's necessary in situations where you are kidnapped by a sadistic psychopath. It's even more necessary when that psychopath will think their soothing you.

You reassure yourself as you begin to cry, all the emotions you've been holding up till now come out in his arms. It doesn't help that they're the only human contact you've had for months.

Yan's hand moves to stroke the back of your head. Their voice softly shushes you and tells you that it's okay, that it was all a dream.

But it's not. The nightmare isn't over. The nightmare is still very much in the same room as you.

"C-can we watch a movie? Together?" The only tv's are in the living room, and in yan's bedroom. Either way, you're out of the basement you loathe so much.

"Well- since you asked so nicely.." he says coyly, holding your hand tightly as they saunter upstairs with you. Chest puffed out and proud they can take such good care of their darling.

Your eyes don't linger too long on any of the doors or hallways to avoid arousing suspicion.

You sit down on the couch with his arm rapped around you as he flips through channels. Eventually landing on one you say you like. Hours tick by, and you can tell he's getting tired. You even lay your head on him to further gain his trust. Close your eyes, keep your breathing still... and for gods sake. Dont. Move.

You almost convince yourself you are dreaming when you feel his free hand move to brush some of your hair out of your face... with no response, not even a flinch, he definitely thinks you're sound sleep.

You can feel him shift as his weight and leave the couch. Hearing the shuffle of tired feet followed by the click of a light switch and the closing of a door, your heartrate begins to climb.

Your eyes pop open. 'He's gone? Where is he? Will I have enough time? Fuck it. FUCK IT!'

You make your way down the hallways unsure of whether to focus on silence or speed. Ultimately failing to do both since the moment after you unlocked the 3 locks on the door, and swung it open to meet the cold midnight air, you hear his quickly gaining footsteps behind you.

"FUCK!!!! GODDAMN IT Y/N!"

You pay him no mind as you run into the dark woods surrounding all sides.

'I'm not gonna be fast enough! I'm not gonna be fast enough!!! Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck!!'

The forceful yank back on your hair solidified your waking fears. Throwing you on the ground you look up to see his face seething with rage.

You start to burst into tears- you dont care what happens you're just scared so scared so so so fucking scared.

He drags you by your hair the rest of the way "home" your back is soon to be covered in gashes and scratches from the rocks and sticks on the ground. But you'll pay them no mind. There's something much more terrifying awaiting.

Yan doesn't stop until they meet the door to the basement. Kicking you down the stairs and watching you begin to beg for mercy.

"Shut. The. Fuck. Up. And take off your clothes." He looks at you like you're scum, dirt, worthless. You're paralyzed in fear- but his patience has already been tested once today.

His heavy boot meets your face, knocking you down flat against the floor. Before you could recover his shoe is crushing your windpipe. Your hands desperately attempt to pry him off you, only until your struggling begins to die and he knows you've passed out does he lift his boot from your neck.

.

.

Gasp, cough cough

"Well!" Your voice croaked "Good to be back to your old self, huh?!"

You smile wide, false bravado has always been your forte in times of immense fear. You've got dear ol' dad to thank for that, you guess. Judging from the fact that he has your hands cuffed tightly behind a support beam, half naked, immense fear is in fact what you should be feeling.

For once in the entire time you've been here, he doesn't respond to your provocations. All he does is ram his knife into your thigh in one swift motion.

"GODDAMN IT FUCK FUCK OW FUCK FUC-" Your screams are cut short as he tightly grabs your face, digging his nails into the soft skin on your cheeks as he says,

"First, I'm gonna cut you up nice and pretty. Then I'm gonna fuck you so hard you won't be able to even crawl."

[zonie-az]

everyone knows before New Mexico and Arizona ch 5: Gov loves paperwork

story summary:

Ari falls for New Mexico.

NM doesn't know what's going on.

everyone else sees it.

Chapter 5 of 7

word count for this ch: 1,170

pairing: New Mexico and Arizona

wattpad AO3

New Mexico knocked on the door. Ari opened up and smiled.

"Newie!" NM couldn't help but smile back. Passing the PJs to Ari who grabs them and throws them on the bed "ready?"

"If you are" Ari nodded

"Yeah, let's get it done before Gov comes with CDC. I don't need CDC trying to give me a look over" NM nodded. They definitely didn't need that. They started walking both kind of thinking about what to say. Neither really had a plan but neither of them where much of planners anyways. They went to the door. NM took Ari's hand, giving it a squeak. Ari smiled. Then NM let go and knocked on the door.

"Come in" they walked in and saw Gov typing at his computer. He looked up. "oh good! Ari you are here finally. I was starting to get worried Ill have to come and find you"

"Nope am here and you can see" he does a little spin "am all good so-"

"Arizona come take a seat, New Mexico you can pull up the other chair as well" Ari flops down on the chair that totally made a loud sound. NM jumps his reflex was to grab Ari before the chair gives out.

"Am good" Ari said looking up at NM. NM nodded, going to grab the other chair. Totally missing Gov looking back and forth at them. Ari swung his legs back and forth as NM pulled over the chair sitting down next to Ari, chairs pretty close together. Ari smiled at Gov and NM looked over it already, crossing his arms.

"Well okay, I think I need to grab some paperwork hold on" they both gave Gov a confused look as he got up going over to his filing cabinet. Opening a few drawers and looking for stuff. "Where is it? I used some with New Jersey and South Carolina a while ago... Where are they?"

Ari and NM looked at each other more confused. They were here to show Gov Ari wasn't bleeding or anything. Why is he pulling out paperwork?

"Got it!" Gov grabbed a folder and came over to the desk. "alright it looks like a lot but with both of you it-"

"Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" Ari slinks down in his chair "I don't want to do paperwork"

"Well it will"

"I don't want tooooooo" Ari wined "what you just gave out paperwork to anyone you pull into your office?"

"I agree we didn't come here to do any paperwork or anything, why are you just pulling stuff out?"

"Well you don't have to do it now but I think it be good to start it so we can work on getting your two-room into one and combining all your emergency contacts and stuff together"

NM and Ari blinked

"What???" They both said not at the same time but close enough.

"You two really should combine if you're going to be sleeping together and everything. it is better I know what room and where you will be at in case of a fire or something"

"Wait wait wait"

"We'll be doing what now?"

"Oh no we are not together"

"Oh… OH! No! we not like that!"

Gov looked between them, trying to explain how it is not what he thinks.

"Alright, we just table that for another time then. But I do need it done soon. I need at least know which room you are both sleeping in most nights" Gov closed the folder. "Am putting copied in both your boxes and emailing you reminders"

"Oale please don't those are so annoying"

"I made mine sound like a cricket so I never really notice them"

"I usually just mute them then they come back in a month or so and I mute them again"

"Yeah, which is why the FBI and CIA are supposed to be making sure you can't mute or change them" Gov grabs a sticky note writing something down.

"Great now everyone going to get those notifications for a week and a half," Ari said in Spanish knowing Gov couldn't understand what he was saying.

"Yeah, then-Gov will stop keeping his eye on it. and then we will be able to do whatever to them again" NM answered back in Spanish

"True" Ari nodded glad he and NM could talk freely. He really enjoyed that.

"I don't like you two talking where I can't understand anything"

"Oale find we go but to English. You should really learn more than just English, we technically don't have an official language. You should know more than just one"

"That's IDC job, now. Since you're going to wait on the paperwork. I would like to ask if there is an anniversary date I should mark down. So I can make sure to keep your schedule clear for that date?" Gov asked pulling out his calendar

"Ummm"

"We keep you updated on that one okay Gov" NM said quickly just wanting to be able to get out of there faster

"Oh is it one of those not sure if you want to do the first date or asking out or meeting kind of deal? Ohio and them took forever to figure out what day to use. Okay just let me know when you two figure out what day is your special day" Gov looked over his calendar. "I got a meeting with Loui in 10 minutes so I should probably get ready for that. Unless there anything you two want to go over? Do you two need me to order anything for bedroom stuff and all?"

"Nope!!!" Ari and NM quickly said both starting to blush.

"You sure? Also if you haven't seen I keep the cabin in the hallway stook with-"

"Thank you! But we don't need you to worry about getting us anything!!" NM got up, and Ari quickly did as well, the chair falling over.

"Okay. Just let me know if that changes I have a budget for-"

"Alright bye Gov" Ari run out the door with NM close behind him. Gov sighed and wrote a sticky note to run to check the cabin and stock up on anything that was low.

Ari and NM shit the door and looked at each other, then looked away blushing. Neither knowing what to say or anything. They stood there for what felt like forever.

"Well he doesn't know about you being you know what," NM said not really able to look Ari in the eye yet.

"Yeah which is good'' Ari gave a nervous laugh. Rubbing the back of his head.

"Oh! Ari! binder check!" Ari wines NM looks at Ari. "I know but if am not mistaken you slept in it last night and that's a big no-no"

"But newie. I"

"Ari please for me"

"Fine I'll banish myself to my room all alone," Ari says dramatically

"Oh stop, come to my room, we still got more episodes of that show to watch" NM grabbed Ari and they ran off to NM's room.

[legolasghosty]

excuse me while i send you a million questions from that ask game 😂 but.... 2, 4, 5, 7, 8, 23, 29, 37 and 38!

Hiiiii babe!!!!! No excuse needed, I love the million questions!

2 - Is there a trope you’ve yet to try your hand at, but really want to?

Answered here, but I'll add another one cause why not. I don't think I've ever actually written a kid fic, either where one of the canon characters is a much younger child than they are in canon and it's about their childhood, or where you have canon characters becoming parents. I've thought about various versions of it a fair amount with various characters, but I've never really messed with anyone's age more than a few years in either direction. Willex would be great parents though, just saying...

4 - How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Care to share one of them?

Uhhhhh.... a lot? I don't have a ton of writing time at the moment, so the ideas are just building up in my head. There's at least half a dozen, probably more, in various stages of planning and daydreaming and being written.

One that I'm in the process of setting up is actually a response to a prompt you sent me like two weeks ago. Basically, Willex goes on an ice skating date. Neither has done it before, but both assume the other will be great at it, since they both dance and Willie is almost never without his beloved skateboard. Spoiler alert, they are both awful at it. Chaos and flirting and falling and probably a lot of hot chocolate ensues.

5 - Share one of your strengths.

None of the above.

Kidding, don't kill me please! Uhhh, I guess I'm alright at domestic fluff? Like, just the blurbos hanging out and doing boring life stuff together and loving each other. I really like some good domestic fluff, and I've been informed that I am decent at making it too, which is cool!

7 - Share a snippet from one of your favorite pieces of prose you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

Stop making me say nice things about myself! Okay, answered here, but I guess you'll yell at me if I don't do another one so...

There were many things that were hard about being on tour. The long hours on the bus, for example. Or the fact that he couldn't just leave when Luke got too loud, or wail on his drums whenever he wanted, due to them being packed away between locations. But he loved touring with Julie and the boys. And he loved that Willie was able to come with them. Because it meant that he could do the things he loved, with the people he loved, all the time. They'd had to wait a couple of years after forming the band and Julie's Magical Hug of Destiny to go very far from LA since Julie had to finish high school, but they were finally doing it! And it was amazing!

Except when it wasn't. Except on days like this when Alex just didn't have the energy for anything beyond the basic necessities. And, unfortunately for him, his body and brain didn't count showering as a 'necessity’. It wasn't that he didn't like showering, or that he didn't feel sweaty and dirty, despite still definitely being partially a ghost. No, there was just something about showering, specifically in unfamiliar places, that freaked his brain out. And, because of the tour, Alex was always in an unfamiliar place.

This is from the first proper fic I ever published(Read it here). It was basically just a projection fic to get me through a rough patch, but I think it actually turned out okay and it holds a special place in my heart as the first thing I posted.

8 - Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

Do I have tooooooo?

Then Willie turned around and Alex’s gaze fixed on his face. The conflicted wave of emotions from before seemed to have simplified into just two: excitement and fear. “What do you think?” they asked softly, chewing nervously on their lower lip.

Alex was across the room in an instant, pausing for a beat to wait for Willie’s nod before resting his hands on their biceps. “Willie, you look incredible! ” he stated quietly. “I’m pretty sure half of my brain isn’t even working right now with how good you look. How do you feel?”

Willie chuckled and stepped forward, leaning into Alex’s chest. “I feel good,” he whispered as Alex pulled him close. “I really like it.”

“I’m glad,” Alex murmured. “I really like it too.”

Willie pulled away suddenly, grinning as he threw his arms out and spun around in a circle, the black fabric flying out around him. “It’s so swishy!” they exclaimed, giggling.

I guess this? It's from a fic called It's New, It Looks Good On You that I published a few months back, in which Alex gets Willie their first skirt. I guess I just like how comfortable they feel around each other, even in a pretty vulnerable situation. Healthy relationships, my beloved!

23 - If you were to revise one of your older fics from start to finish, which would it be and why?

Oh gosh, well none of my stuff is really that old. I only started actually writing early last summer. I guess... Okay, I didn't post I'll Be Here, I'll Hold You Through It till like six months ago, but I wrote it over a year ago now. It was basically written in a late night fit of anxiety and seriously needing a hug, and I feel like it isn't that good. I mostly posted it out of nostalgia and because I wanted to post something. I kinda feel like I could do better with the material now and it would be a better fic.

29 - If you could write the sequel (or prequel) to any fic out there not written by yourself, which would you choose?

Oh gosh, I wouldn't dare touch most of my favorite fics with a ten foot pole, I'd wreck them. But... there's some thoughts lurking in my ideas doc about a prequel to Girl Crush by the lovely @valiantlyweepingdreamer, giving the story of one of the couples that is already together in the main fic. I have no idea if I'll ever actually get around to writing it, but we discussed ideas for a while back in November I think.

37 - Talk about your current wips.

Oh you're gonna regret asking that one, I could ramble about my wips for hours. I'll try and keep it short here, and expand on the Willex ice skating fic I mentioned above. (No I haven't actually started writing it, shut up!)

The date is Alex's idea, cause Reggie and Luke were teasing him and Willie about how they never go on 'proper dates'(Hey, who needs to stay legal when you're invisible, and they have the best cuddle dates). So Alex googles a list of date ideas and is like, "Oh, ice skating, I bet Willie will be good at that." So they go(invisibly), snag a couple pairs of skates from the rental booth(They can put them back later, it's not like they're gonna leave germs on them or something, Alex!), and go out on the ice... only for Alex to immediately fall. Willie laughs and tries to help him up, only to lose his balance and fall too.

They kinda sort it out eventually, but they never get off the wall without hanging onto each other's hands for dear life. Afterwords, they poof back to the Molina's and make hot chocolate, because what is ice skating without hot chocolate?

38 - Talk about a review that made your day.

Okay, this was just on a doc I sent to a friend(after many conversations about said fic and me tinkering with it for literal months despite being under 1k long), but their response was so sweet!!!

"i have something to say i think this might be one of my favourite things i've read from you, if not the favourite it's so good for one because i love kissing in any way shape or form, highest form of expression of love for me, but also because it's written just so beautifully, it's lyrical almost, the images, the phrases, the language metaphor, it's great!! i love it so much"

(^Copied from our DMs)

It was just so sweet and it totally made my day and while I have no idea if that fic will ever see the light of day(literally, cause I only ever seem to be able to work on it at night...), it just makes me really happy that someone else loves it so much! I love that fic, I'm just also terrified of it so... yeah. Anyways, I won't tag them cause I don't wanna be annoying, but if you see this, you know what I'm talking about and I love you!!!!!

[yuzurins]

when the rain comes

— where you and suna have to cancel your date due to the rain

pairing— suna rintaro x fem!reader

genre— fluff >_<

word count— 1.88k words (sorry if there are any mistakes, only briefly proofread)

notes— got this prompt after having to cancel and remake plans because of the rain lol, sorry if the characters seem so uwu 🥺 cus idk how else to write fluff

disclaimer— apologies if y/n might not act or have the same qualities/features/personality as everyone. it would be impossible if i were to write her in order to fit everyone’s ideals. tdlr, please don’t send hate or complain about the way i write y/n (or suna). enjoy!!

you pout as you slump down in your bed, hugging a stuffed animal.

today was the day where you and suna were supposed to go on a date. you planned out almost everything and was very excited to go, but too bad you guys didn’t check the weather before deciding on a day.

now you’re stuck at home, with nothing to do. and hearing the rain continuously hitting your window was not helping at all.

“come on, it’s not that bad.” you glance over at your phone to look at the fox eyed boy. you were currently on facetime with him so you could rant about all your life problems.

“but i miss you!! i was so excited for today tooooooo” you frowned.

rin leaned forward to rest his head on his desk and smiled. “we can always just reschedule, i’d be happy to be with you anyday.”

despite your sad mood, you couldn’t help but smile after hearing him say those words. you could feel the heat rising to your cheeks yet you didn’t mind it, because you really liked the way he made you feel

“since when were you so cheesy? i still remember the days where you would refuse to even look at me.” you teased, wanting to be able to get a reaction from him.

suna hummed in response. he shifted back to rest his head in his palm and turned away to hide his face. “guess i was just a stupid kid back then. was in the stage of denial.”

“awee, have i made you all soft”

“yes. yes you have.”

you giggled at his blunt response.

you and rin have been in a relationship for a little over 2 years, and he still never fails to make you happy.

“y/n!!! come down and help me with the laundry!!” you heard your mother yell for you

“ah, sorry. i’ll be right back” you told him beforehand

“yea no worries, i won’t be going anywhere.”

you have him a small smile before heading off to assist your dear mother

a few minutes later, you came back holding a big stack of clothes. your figure was barely visible and you struggled to navigate your way around due to the clothes blocking your vision

you looked kinda cute actually, sort of like a child, and the boy on the phone couldn’t help but stare at you in awe.

you heard a faint chuckle and turned around from the pile of clothes you were folding to see soft green eyes staring at you (YES I SAID SOFT HES SOFT FOR U 😩)

you gave him a puzzled ( ? _ ? ) expression, curious to see what he was laughing about earlier

he moved back a bit and gave you like a… ╮(•▽•"")╭ expression in return

“why’d you stop?” he asked, sounding like a child who just got their favourite toy taken away from them

you pouted. “what were you laughing about?”

“you looked so cute earlier, i couldn’t help it. it was like… watching a lost cat trying to find its way home”

“whaaat, that’s a strange analogy. am i just a cute animal on display to you or something ??”

“yes….”

“is that supposed to be a compliment?”

“yes.”

you were about to open your mouth to say something but instead tilted your head down so he could avoid seeing your face since you probably looked as red as a tomato by now.

“rinrin,” you looked back up to try and study his facial expression but unfortunately he wasn’t staring at you at the moment. well, at least he didn’t see your flushed face.

the boy in question hummed in response. you shuffled over to your phone and picked it up from where it was propped at.

“i’ll be right back.”

“wh-“

you cut him off by hanging up on the call. because of his teasing, you honestly couldn’t handle how much you missed him, so you decided to hurry up and finish folding your clothes, in order to run over to his house and give him a big fat hug. it didn’t even matter if it was still raining, you would run through it if it meant you could see your beloved boyfriend.

“i’ll be heading out now!!” you shouted, hoping your mom would hear

“are you seriously going out in this weather? make sure to wash your own clothes if they get all wet…. oh and bring an umbrella with you!” your mom replied drowsily, due to just have woken up from a nap.

“yes yes i know.” you laughed at her response.

you glance down at your watch. 2:39pm. knowing both you and suna, you probably wouldn’t be home for dinner so you decided to let your mom know too.

(lol i’m not writing smut u_u but you can imagine what they do 😏)

she hummed in response and smiled at you. “you know, your father and i-“

“moooooommmm, i have a train to catch! i’ll listen to your stories another timeee, because right now, i need to be living my own high school love story.” you giggled. your mom would go on and on about her life stories and you couldn’t lie, they were honestly pretty interesting. but for real, they’ll be here for another time.

“alright alright. have fun and don’t do anything dangerous.” she waved from where she was standing near the top of the stairs before yawning and slowly walking back into her bedroom.

you quickly put on your shoes and opened the door, taking in the sight before your eyes.

rain. a bunch of rain. the roads were filled with puddles and small rivers of rain.

you took out your umbrella and began to walk to the train station.

taking a stroll in the rain was honestly kinda calming. the city seemed a bit empty and the sky was gloomy, but you were still able to admire nature in the midst of it. and before you knew it, you arrived at the door of the house of mr. suna rintarou.

it was a thursday afternoon and his parents were at work, so you casually rang the doorbell. you were pretty close to his family actually so even if they were home, they probably wouldn’t mind having you over anyways.

you heard some shuffling from inside the house before the door opened.

“ooh! y/n-neesan, what are you doing here?”rinako, rintaro’s younger sister, chirped.

(a/n: suna has an unnamed sister so i just gave her a name lolol yea her name isn’t actually rinako but i thought it sounded nice. tbh she’s kinda like an oc here but issok n_n)

“hi ‘nako-chan! i’m here to visit for the day!” you smiled at the younger girl.

she grinned before shuffling backwards to welcome you into their house. you thanked her before taking off your shoes and making your way in.

rinako was the opposite of her brother, being loud and outgoing. because you came over to their house quite often, you would interact with rinako frequently aswell. you were an only child, so you really enjoyed her company too.

“ah,” rinako recalled. “you and nii-san were supposed to go out today! is that why you came over here instead?”

“that’s right,” you laughed, bringing a hand to pat her head. “speaking of your brother, where is he right now?”

“i think he went upstairs to his room actually.” rinako turned around and pointed up to the second floor. “he was downstairs earlier eating food while mumbling something and walked into a wall before going back up”

“yeah, that definitely sounds like something ‘taro would do.” you giggled at his childish antics. he probably was deep in thought and forgot to use his eyes.

rinako snickered briefly with you before frowning and clinging onto your right arm.

“hey, do you have to hang out with nii-san? why can’t you just come play games with me, i’m also so much cooler.” ‘nako questioned, giving you the best puppy eyes she could.

“that sounds fun!!” you clapped your hands together, almost going along with her before remembering what you came here for in the first place. “ah sorry, maybe later though. i wanted to surprise your brother first”

rinako pouted for a second, but she did understand. “tch, you guys are so clingy. promise you’ll play with me later?” she held out her pinky.

“promise.” you took your pinky out and intertwined it with hers.

“alright, have fun! don’t be too loud” the younger girl smirked at you.

“hey-“

“i’m actually going to go take a nap so wake me up whenever you’re ready.” she cut you off and waved as she ran up the stairs to her room to avoid getting tackled by you.

you laughed at her antics before following her up the stairs and heading over to rin’s room.

you slowly opened the door while trying to be as quiet as possible.

he was curled up in his bed, sleeping, and you just stood there for a minute or so, admiring this peaceful side of him.

“mmmmm…” the boy mumbled…. “what are you staring at?” he smirked. “i know you’re there, come in already.”

your eyes widen at his words. had he been awake this entire time?

“what’s that face for? you and my sister were being so loud downstairs” he stated firmly as he sat up in his bed and rubbed his eyes. “also, you ending the call abruptly was kinda suspicious too, because i knew you didn’t have anything else to do today.”

“so much for wanting to surprise you…” you sighed. “well uh, hi! i’m here.” you smiled and waved whilst walking into his room, remembering to close the door after.

suna hummed in response and opened his arms, hinting for you to come over to him.

you flashed him a teasing smile before skipping over to be engulfed by his embrace.

despite rin being 6’1, he still acted like a baby around you. he leaned against you and rested his head in your chest.

“hey.” he murmured as he looked up at you with that signature deadpan expression

“hi.” you responded, curious to see what he wanted to say.

“i missed you too.”

you smiled as red washed over your cheeks. you felt your heart beating faster and rin’s lips turned upwards into a grin.

“hah, i can hear your heartbeat.” he chuckled. “you’re so easy to tease.”

you huffed as you looked away from the brunette, observing the items on his desk to avoid his gaze. “only because you’re the one teasing me.”

but your attention was quickly drawn to rin changing his position. he moved his head off your chest and sat up properly. the latter hummed once again and lightly tugged on your shirt, motioning for you to look at him.

as soon as you turned your head over, you felt him lean towards you to brush his lips against yours softly. it was a sweet and delicate kiss, to show that he really cared and appreciated you. not too short to make you crave for more, but not too long to suffocate you. the perfect kiss, and the one that people dream about.

it wasn’t the first time he kissed you, but the passion you could feel from it was enough to make your heart flutter and feel like you were floating.

“i love you.”

“you’re so cheesy.” you broke out in a cheeky grin and rolled your eyes playfully before shifting your gaze to make eye contact with rintaro. “but i love you too.”

perhaps rainy days aren’t so bad after all.

[ohsnapcracklepopfriends]

To be named GGMU fic: Part three - Drunk Mancs and Karaoke Don't Mix

After way too long, I'm back with another instalment of my GGMU fic (three parts down, four to go). Sorry, it took so long, life has been insanely hectic. I just wrote this in an hour of power writing, I hope you like it. Part one and part two if you haven't read them <3

Christmas parties at Sky were generally a disaster. Not only did they usually involve a room full of people all too competitive for their own good, there was usually the presence of both alcohol and cell phones which were a dangerous combination. All of this was worse to witness sober. Jamie had made the terrible decision of being the designated driver. Gary had one rule that he’d made clear to Jamie when they first started going out together: do not put drunk Gary in a cab. Gary’s a handsy drunk with zero self-control. They both know sitting in the back of a cab with drunk Gary was a recipe for a traumatized cabbie and a couple of disastrous news articles in the morning. So Jamie had agreed to drive, and that was fine. He was fine with it, truly. Jamie watched as Gary danced around in the bar they had rented out, jumping around freely while Graeme looked on with his disapproving grimace. Jamie wished he could be dancing with him, blaming it on the alcohol.

Jamie took a sip of his apple juice--which was fucking good, okay? Back off. He swished it around in his mouth, pretending it was something stronger. He swallowed and looked up. Gary was still jumping around without a care in the world. Jamie could tell he was really drunk. Gary was a total lightweight and he’d probably had about four beers to get to this point. Jamie chuckled to himself, thinking back to the nights they’d shared together when they first started dating. They’d spent quite a few nights on the floor of Gary’s living room with a bottle of wine and a bag of crisps. Jamie treasured those nights. He treasured the moments where Gary was buzzing and less scared of his emotions, letting them just enjoy their time together without Gary’s mind spinning.

Gary looked in Jamie’s direction. His face lit up when he saw Jamie leaning against the counter. He scrambled over until he stood right up against Jamie’s shoes.

“Did you see Redders?” Gary asked in a rush. Jamie laughed at the big goofy smile on his lips. He did, in fact, see Redders. Redders had taken to the small stage in the corner after his third pint. He’d been singing away at the top of his lungs--very poorly, Jamie might add--for the past hour or so.

“I want to sing, James. Come sing with me.” He tugged at Jamie’s arm. Jamie had fallen for this trap before. Last year he’d made the mistake of joining Gary for some drunk karaoke and ended up trending on Twitter. Jamie was not a singer for a reason.

“I’m sure Redders will sing with you” Jamie offered. Gary pouted. Gary was one of those people who were easy to imagine as a child. He could see a younger Gary in the way he acted when he was tired, grumpy, stubborn, and bleary-eyed. He could see a younger Gary in the way he giggled at Jamie’s jokes. He could see a younger Gary in the way he pouted during times like this, trying to sway Jamie to agree with him. It worked more than Jamie liked to admit.

“I’ll come and watch you?” Jamie tried to bargain again. Gary nodded this time and dragged Jamie towards the stage. Jamie happily let himself be pulled along. Gary’s hand was warm and sweaty where it was clutching at Jamie’s, but Jamie didn’t mind. After playing football for that long, he couldn’t be bothered by sweat anymore. After one testimonial match, Jamie found he actually liked Gary sweaty: he liked to lick beads of sweat off of Gary’s furrowed brows and watch him shutter--but that’s a story for another time.

Jamie wished they could stay like this, Gary holding his hand tightly, tugging insistently on it every few seconds, but all too soon, they found themselves at the stage. Gary dropped his hand and hopped up onto the small, wooden platform. Redders was still on the stage, red-faced and (poorly) belting the ending to Tainted Love. The stage was so small that the two men took up most of the space. Gary reached behind Redders to grab the second microphone. He grabbed Redders by the shoulder and whispered in his ear. Redders’ amused smile made Jamie nervous: what the hell did this drunk idiot have in mind?

Redders jumped off the stage with far too much grace for someone as injury prone and drunk as Jamie knew he was. He ran over to the karaoke machine and picked their song before scurrying back onto the stage to join Gary. Jamie was confused when the guitar started and he couldn’t place it.

“I got chills--” Redders started to sing and realization set into Jamie’s mind. Oh dear god, he thought, they’re doing Grease. “--It’s electrifying!” Jamie groaned. He couldn’t help himself. There was no way this wouldn’t somehow end up on Twitter. He knew sober Gary would not find this nearly as funny if it made headlines. Jamie started scanning the crowd for people with their phones out. Thankfully, most people had either gone home or were drowning themselves at the bar, after all, what was free booze for? Jamie noticed Geoff filming out of the corner of his eye. He practically ran over to him.

“You better shape up!” Gary starting singing now. He was by no means an angel, if Jamie was honest he was pretty fucking terrible. But like everything Gary did, he sang with a fiery passion and excitement that just made it utterly endearing. Jamie loved it when Gary sang.

“Give me that,” Jamie grabbed Geoff’s phone from his hands, which was pretty easy considering how sloshed he was. He barely even protested as Jamie deleted the videos and shut off his phone because Jamie was smart and knew Geoff was too far gone to figure out how to turn it back on.

“--tooooooo my heart I must be trueeeeeeee,” Gary was dancing around on the stage and Jamie couldn’t help but take a moment to stop worrying and just admire the carefree smile of his boyfriend, so blissfully happy as he made a fool out of himself in front of all of their colleagues. Jamie noticed that Gary was staring at him. Gary then brought his hand up to point directly at him.

“You’re the one that I want! Oh! Oh! Oh! Jamie!” Oh no. Oh no. This was a complete disaster. Jamie couldn’t stop himself, he jumped up on the stage. The limited space meant he had to stand pressed against Gary. Gary just smiled up at him and shoved his microphone up to Jamie’s lips. And as much as he hated it, Jamie could never deny him anything.

“Oh yes indeed,” Jamie half-sang, half spoke. It was awkward and hard to listen to even to his own ears, but Gary beamed at him and Jamie felt a smile tugging at the edge of his lips.

And then he remembered why he got up here in the first place: not to sing, not to smile at Gary like a big, lovesick dork--no, he was here to put an end to this. He was here to take Gary home safely before any further disaster could strike just like he’d promised.

“If you’re filled with affection--” Redders started to sing again. Jamie used this opportunity to make their escape. He pried the microphone from Gary’s hands before placing it gently on the stage. He put his arm around Gary’s middle and firmly led him off the stage.

“Where are we going?” Gary asked. He was looking up at Jamie from where he was tucked against Jamie’s side. Jamie knew it was probably too intimate a position for them to hold in public but he found he was too exhausted to care.

“We’re going home, love,” Jamie said softly against Gary’s ear. Gary gave him a wicked grin and started to worm his fingers under Jamie’s jacket. Jamie pushed his arm away holding it against Gary’s side. This was not the time or place.

“You’re going to make me wait for it?” Gary asked. “That’s okay. It’ll be better when you fuck me later. I’ll be so ready. I’ll be begging for you.” Jamie let out a long breath. Fuck. Luckily, or unluckily depending on how you looked at it, they were out of the bar, walking down the street towards Jamie’s car. On the bright side, no one was close enough to hear Gary being far too drunk to care that he’s being far too loud. However, anyone could be on the street: reporters, idiots with cameras, though now Jamie is realizing that those are kind of the same thing. Jamie’s kidding, of course. He guessed he was kind of a journalist himself now. He generally thought of journalists as no-life drama vultures for the Daily Mail or worse The S*n.

Jamie was pretty used to wrangling drunk Gary into vehicles against his will, but this time was different. Gary was usually uncooperative just for the sake of being uncooperative. This trait just worsened after a few pints. That night Gary was shockingly content, though. He wasn’t argumentative or difficult, he was sweet and happy. He leaned into Jamie’s side on their walk and looked up at him like he just signed Messi for Man United (which Jamie couldn’t do obviously, and even if he could, he wouldn’t). When it came time to get into Jamie’s car, Gary went without complaint, let alone their usual wrestling match. Jamie was honestly getting kind of worried.

“Are you high?” He asked as he put the car in reverse. Jamie had never known Gary to smoke but he figured it was a possible explanation for his strange behaviour. Gary hummed in confusion.

“What?” He asked. Gary’s face was smushed against the passenger window, fogging up the glass with every breath.

“Are you okay?” Jamie rephrased his question for Gary’s scrambled brain, “you seem weird.”

“I’m not weird, James,” he said, his words even more drawn out than usual, “I’m happy.” He started humming something under his breath but it was so quiet that Jamie could not make it out over the engine. “Singing makes me happy, Jamie,” Gary said and Jamie knew. Gary was generally not as public of a singer as he had been that night, but he always loved singing. He sang in the shower, something that Jamie found entirely endearing. Jamie loved waking up in the morning to the sound of water and Gary’s slow voice. Jamie remembered Gary doing karaoke all the way back in their England days. He and Crouchy were always the most enthusiastic, though Jamie would never have guessed that until he saw it with his own eyes.

“I know,” Jamie said, “it makes me happy, too.” It was probably a little too honest but Jamie knew Gary wouldn’t notice. Even if he did notice, he wouldn’t remember it in the morning.

“Do you want me to sing to you?” And yet again, Jamie just couldn’t say no to Gary. Jamie expected more of what he’d heard at the pub: some eighties songs, maybe an NSYNC song or two (Redders loved NSYNC). He didn’t expect Gary to start happily singing Glory Glory Man United in his fucking car.

“Gary, what the hell?” Jamie protested but Gary just shushed him and kept singing. Jamie could hear his feet tapping against the mat of the car. And right when Jamie was about to smack Gary in the head, he realized something: Gary was drunk. Now obviously it didn’t take a genius to figure that out: he’d been steadily drinking since the party began and you could see the drunkenness in his red, flushed ears. But Jamie realized that Gary’s drunk brain was prone to forgetting basic, fundamental information. Like, for example, that Jamie was a Scouser.

Jamie figured that in Gary’s drunk brain, he wanted to sing a song to make Jamie happy. But like he’d forgotten that Tracey played netball on New Year the year before or that he was a right-back on one especially wild Wednesday night, he had forgotten that the song that brought his manc heart so much joy, did not spark the same happy memories for his boyfriend. He wasn’t trying to get on Jamie’s nerves and that knowledge comforted Jamie enough not to reach over and strangle him. So Jamie just let him sing and quietly suffered as he drove along. He tried to tamp down the simmering irritation the song automatically sparked in the pit of his stomach.

Mercifully for Jamie, Gary drifted off in the passenger’s seat less than ten minutes into their drive. Jamie instead drove the rest of the way to the sound of Gary’s loud snores.

[absurdthirst]

You said once that the type a men have don't matter, even if they like big boobs if they like you don't matter you have small boobs, but I saw a man saying "I’m usually only turned on by a woman with big breasts. It can be tough for me to find any sexual satisfaction when I’m dating a girl with small breasts” and it seems to be a common opinion

I’m going to be frank right here. If you are hearing that, you are hanging around the wrong type of men. 

First off, I have been a tomboy my entire life. “One of the guys, but with boobs.” Boys, men, whatever have no issue talking in front of me, never have. And I’ve never heard any one of them talk about not being able to find sexual satisfaction from small breasted girls if they prefer the bigger boobs. Maybe it’s just the men I’ve been around versus the men you’ve been around. But for the most part they are just happy to see boobies.

Now, this is also generalizing men. Are there going to be some that hold that opinion? Yes. There are assholes out there that believe that there should be a beauty standard that someone reaches for them to be ‘hot’. If it were me, I wouldn’t bother with them, they aren’t worth my time. Either that, or get them to pay for breast augmentation if they are so hyped up on having bigger boobs. If they want them, they can pay for them. 

Look at it in a non sexual way. I prefer men who are much taller than me, at least 6 inches taller. That’s my ‘type’. But the boy who I gave my virginity to was half an inch taller than my short ass and my ex husband was 4 inches taller me. Even though they weren’t my ‘type’, I still found them attractive. 

Is every man going to go against his type? No. That expectation is just not based in reality. But neither is the mentality that no one will ever find you attractive because you have small breasts. My husband has slept with women that range from barely there boobs to one that were so big the bra needed to stay on during sex for comfort. Not once did he disparage the ones that had the smaller breasts. (and we talked about this before we were ever involved so there was no expectation of trying to impress me. plus my husband is sometimes tooooooo honest)

The real issue is your acceptance of your own body. The average model has A-B cups. While most of us might never walk down a runway, there are far more smaller breast women that you think. A poll states the average breast size in the world (amazing what they will run statistics on nowadays) only 5 countries had the average breast size at DD. 15 at D and the rest were C and below, with the largest number being average cup size of A.

https://worldpopulationreview.com/country-rankings/average-breast-size-by-country

If having small breasts bothers you, have them changed. The beauty about this time is that if there is something that we don’t like about ourselves, we can have it augmented. Whether it’s our nose or the way that your chin is shaped or your breast size. Instead of having to wear padded bras or stuffing, you can have them enhanced to any size you want. Although I would caution weighing the risk versus reward for any type of surgery. 

At the end of the day, all you really need is your own acceptance of your breasts. Because they will change throughout your life.