#there’s like a thousand things I feel like i need to clarify to everybody I’ve talked to and I can’t

[chagrin-roses]

I thought I hit rock bottom a few months ago but I was dead wrong tf 💀

[jikookuntold]

Jungkook and His Cover Songs: Is “10000 Hours” about Jimin?

Disclaimer: The following post includes theories, lyric and numeric analysis, plus my personal opinions, so please don’t take anything seriously. I’m too lazy to upload photos and videos for the moments I mentioned here, but I’m sure you know about them all. Any Jikooker must know. And I’m not Korean or a Korean culture expert, I just know as much as any Stan Twitter ARMY knows about their culture.

Anyone?

Maybe one of the biggest Jikook moments of 2021 so far, is where Jimin jumped into Jungkook’s hug, in Lee Hyun’s Vlog. But the other moment on that Vlog was even more significant; Jungkook was singing “Anyone” from Justin Bieber’s new album, and Jimin was harmonizing with him while holding on his shirt. I don’t want to mention their interview moment singing “Peaches” because I know this song is super popular in South Korea right now and somehow it doesn’t count as a moment. But it’s safe to say that Jikook has something special with his songs, and JK in particular always was invested in him. 

JK & JB

The reason behind Jungkook’s devotion to Justin Bieber was always a big question for me, and I got my answer not long time ago. Jungkook’s playlist for Melon Radio Station included a song from JB’s new album named “Lonely”. This is one of the most personal songs any artist can ever make, and JK recommended it to his audience. Here are the lyrics of “Lonely” by Justin Bieber:

Everybody knows my name now

But somethin' 'bout it still feels strange

Like lookin' in a mirror, tryna steady yourself

And seein' somebody else

And everything is not the same now

It feels like all our lives have changed

Maybe when I'm older, it'll all calm down

But it's killin' me now

What if you had it all, but nobody to call?

Maybe then you'd know me

'Cause I've had everything

But no one's listening

And that's just lonely

I'm so lonely, lonely

Everybody knows my past now

Like my house was always made of glass

And maybe that's the price you pay

For the money and fame at an early age

And everybody saw me sick

And it felt like no one gave

They criticized the things I did as an idiot kid

What if you had it all, but nobody to call?

Maybe then you'd know me

'Cause I've had everything

But no one's listening

And that's just lonely

These lyrics made me think of one specific thing, the thing that JK and JB have in common: They started their careers at a very young age, and their lives have been under the scrutiny of so many people. These people judged and criticized them but never tried to understand them. The lyrics are straightforward and leave no place for interpretation. By recommending this song, JK showed that he had (and probably still has) the same experiences in his life, and I think the reason he recommends or covers JB’s songs more than any other artist is that he has many things in common with him, and feels connected to his songs. 

This can lead us to another theory: By covering a Justin Bieber song, Jungkook shares something about himself with us, something that he can’t express directly.

Jungkook is interested in JB’s songs, but he is not the only one. As I said earlier in this post, Jimin shares the same taste with Jungkook, and my receipt is not just that “Anyone” or “Peaches” harmonizing moments, but also Jimin’s Spotify playlists. Since 2017 (or earlier, I’m not sure about this part) he has added some JB songs to his official playlist, and even his current playlist (July 2021) has two JB songs. And also let’s not forget the fact that Jikook as a subunit started in 2014 with a JB cover. Yes, I’m talking about “Mistletoe” and as you may know, Jimin translated the lyrics of this song to Korean. 

10000 Hours

Nearly 700 words and I haven’t started yet! The subject of this post was supposed to be the connections between “10000 hours” cover and Jikook but this prelude was necessary to clarify all the aspects of the topic and we find out how JB is special for JK and Jimin and how they (especially Jungkook) feel connected to him. Anyways, back to 10000 hours:

Dan + Shay and Justin Bieber released this Grammy winner song in October 2019. Here are the lyrics: 

Do you love the rain, does it make you dance

When you're drunk with your friends at a party

What's your favorite song, does it make you smile

Do you think of me?

When you close your eyes, tell me, what are you dreamin'?

Everything, I wanna know it all

I'd spend ten thousand hours and ten thousand more

Oh, if that's what it takes to learn that sweet heart of yours

And I might never get there, but I'm gonna try

If it's ten thousand hours or the rest of my life

I'm gonna love you

Do you miss the road that you grew up on?

Did you get your middle name from your grandma?

When you think about your forever now, do you think of me?

When you close your eyes, tell me, what are you dreamin'?

Everything, I wanna know it all

I'd spend ten thousand hours and ten thousand more

Oh, if that's what it takes to learn that sweet heart of yours

And I might never get there, but I'm gonna try

If it's ten thousand hours or the rest of my life

I'm gonna love you

Ooh, want the good and the bad and everything in between

Ooh, gotta cure my curiosity

Ooh, yeah

I'd spend ten thousand hours and ten thousand more

Oh, if that's what it takes to learn that

Sweet heart of yours

And I might never get there, but I'm gonna try

If it's ten thousand hours or the rest of my life

I'm gonna love you

And I'm gonna love you

As you can see, the lyrics are 100% romantic, and the singers including JB, have dedicated this song to their lovers. Also, their girlfriends/wives have a cameo in the MV, which leaves no place for speculation for the context of the song: Even though the uncertainties always exist and no one knows about the future, our love is strong and will stay strong regardless of time. 

The Cover and the Theories

Nearly one year later, on July 28th, 2020, Jungkook surprised ARMYs with a short video he tweeted at 11:56 AM. That video was a 49 seconds cover of 10000 hours. A few minutes later, he deleted the tweet (apparently with the advertisement excuses, because it was tweeted from an iPhone and they have a contract with Samsung). Later that night, Jungkook released the full version on Sound Cloud and tweeted the link at 11:47 PM. 

Jikookers discovered numerous theories that day about the times of both tweets; if you add the digits of the time, the result is “13” for both tweets 1+1+4+7=13, 1+1+5+6=13, and as you already know “13” is Jikook’s magic number. Also, the first video he tweeted was 49 seconds and 4+9=13. But in my opinion, this theory is not strong. I know that numerology is very popular in Korean culture but still, all of this can be coincidences, but the other things I’m going to bring up are most likely not. 

28th July 2020 was the 7th anniversary of the first Jikook selca posted after debut. This also might be a coincidence and to be honest, it cannot be a strong link to make a connection with Jikook, but worths sharing. 

The next thing that many Jikookers also pointed out, was related to the title of the song. The lyrics say “10000 hours and 10000 more” and 20000 hours after the 28th of July is 8th November 2022. As you may know. Jikookers believe November 8th is a significant date for Jikook. I believe this can be a coincidence either, and it’s very unlikely of Jungkook to do such calculations (Koreans are interested in numbers when it comes to days and dates, but counting hours is not usual in any culture. Other than that, I’m still doubtful about the origins of the November 8th theory because we have nothing other than two tweets and G.C.F Tokyo release date and their hotel room in Tokyo which still can be coincidental). But I don’t deny these theories because even as a coincidence, it’s still very interesting. 

And the next theory is connected to the “Red Moon”. On 27th July 2018, a total lunar eclipse happened all over the world, which became known as the red moon. At that time, BTS were in Malta, and on the same night, Jikook were watching the red moon on a boat. They shared plenty of photos and videos of that moment and I’m sure as a Jikooker you have seen them all and you know that night had a very romantic mood (BigHit words, not mine) for Jikook. So, a second anniversary for that night and the day after that night can be a significant date to release a very romantic cover. Is this a coincidence too? I think we had many of them already.

And last but not least is something connected to Korean culture. You probably know that 1000 days anniversaries are very important for Koreans and they celebrate them along with real anniversaries of the important dates in their lives. And guess what? 27th July 2020 is 1000 days after 31 October 2017. This day is the day Jikook’s travel to Tokyo ended and they posted their couply mirror selca on Twitter with flower bouquet emoji. Despite the one-day difference (the same case for the red moon anniversary), this is not a minor event or small coincidence. I believe Jungkook posted “10000 hour” cover for this reason and based on this, the other theories I mentioned earlier can be true either. 

The lyrics hit different if you read them again, after knowing this fact. Right? I don’t want to make this post much longer but before wrapping up, I want to talk about the lyrics of “Anyone” by JB (the song Jikook were harmonizing in Lee Hyun’s Vlog):

Dance with me under the diamonds

See me like breath in the cold

Sleep with me here in the silence

Come kiss me, silver and gold

You say that I won't lose you

But you can't predict the future

So, just hold on like you will never let go

Yeah, if you ever move on without me

I need to make sure you know that

You are the only one I'll ever love

(I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone

(I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Looking back on my life

You're the only good I've ever done (ever done)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone (anyone)

Not anyone

Forever's not enough time to (oh)

Love you the way that I want (love you the way that I want)

'Cause every morning I find you (oh)

I fear the day that I don't

You say that I won't lose you

But you can't predict the future

'Cause certain things are out of our control

Yeah, if you ever move on without me

I need to make sure you know that

You are the only one I'll ever love

Only one (I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Yeah, you, if it's not you it's not anyone

(I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Looking back on my life

You're the only good I've ever done (I've ever done)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone

It's not anyone, not anyone

Oh, oh, oh, oh

If it's not you, it's not anyone

Oh, oh, oh, yeah, whoa

Yeah, you are the only one I'll ever love

(I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone

(I gotta tell ya, gotta tell ya) gotta tell ya

Looking back on my life

You're the only good I've ever done (ever done, oh, yeah)

Yeah, you, if it's not you, it's not anyone

If you read the lyrics, you will notice that the context is very similar to “10000 hours”. It talks about the uncertainties of a beautiful love or in other words: No matter what the future brings to us, this love will last forever. 

This context of uncertainty and unknown future for a romance is a common concept in many of the songs Jungkook has covered and it’s not limited to the Justin Bieber covers he has done and maybe this concept can be the topic for my next analysis. 

[ginkgomoon]

Helios- A Character Study

I have always been fascinated by Helios so I’m especially excited about this post! If there’s any other additional information you would like to add, ask, or discuss, feel free to send an ask or a post so I can adjust and clarify for you. But before that, I have other things I want to add that are important regarding my blog- I will be expanding and analysing other characters in MLQC, so not to worry Victor, Kiro and Lucien (and Shaw, Eli?, Savin?) stans! I has't not hath left thee! In addition, before every analysis/study that I do, I will post a hint (such a quote) that will foreshadow the upcoming character/topic I will be covering. I know it’s not necessary and literally nobody does it but this is great fun for me so I also want to try to make it fun for you guys to approach my blog and my work! This is a spoiler buffet. Please don’t read if you don’t want to be spoiled! This is probably the longest post ever on my blog so enjoy :)

“You either die a hero or live long enough to become a villain.” -The Dark Knight

Who is Helios?

??: Do you know what Helios means? The mocking in his face had returned. He suddenly came close and placed his hand on the window behind me. I was imprisoned in his arms and couldn’t move. His eyes drilled into my own. I felt that if I showed even the smallest hint of discomfort or fear, he would use that as an excuse to push me away. MC: Helios is the sun god from Greek mythology- ??: I don’t like that name.

Helios is the God of the Sun, sight and a guardian of oaths. He is seen to be riding a golden chariot to bring the sun across the skies each day from east (where the sun rises) to west (where the sun sets). 

Kiro has lots and lots and lots of sun, light, dark and shadow imagery attached to him. Kiro is noted to be everyone’s sun, especially for MC and vice versa as she’s noted to be the one to chase the darkness away with Kiro following through. When he has those stage moments as his idol identity, it’s expected for him to be the guiding light (especially for his fans, the Kirophiles)- “the sun” and “hope” as to what “Kiro” represents, without any impurities associated with that persona. Which is ironic for Helios, who dressed mostly in black without the blonde hair, to have that same name as the God of the Sun working in BLACK SWAN- the organisation with the name literally having “black” in it as well. 

“If Kiro is this exuberance and this life, Helios is the opposite of that. It’s what if we took someone who stopped finding reasons to be happy, who stopped finding a lot of things to be passionate about and was just trying to get on day by day- they react to the things that happen to them, rather than going out to look for adventure. Helios lacks a lot of emotion that Kiro has.” -Sean Chiplock, Kiro’s VA

Kiro and Helios

“If I had a dark side… I should hide it from others, right…? Can I really be imperfect?”

There had been a lot of discussion around Helios in relation to his transformation, whether he was acting and what Kiro’s connection with BLACK SWAN is. 

To clarify, yes- Kiro is Helios. Helios is Kiro. Just like how Kiro admitted to MC that he’s also the hacker KEY. Helios is just one of the personas that Kiro has (which I will expand on in a future post). This, however, does not hinder negatively on Kiro’s personality, but introduces us to another side of him, one that shows effective in-depth characterisation. Especially when we first view him as the cheerful idol with the power to passively attract others. Kiro first gave off the certain impression to Sean Chiplock that you “don’t take off the calm and quiet person, because you don’t want to see the other side of them”. 

Kiro and Helios, which one was the real him? Neither? Or both? -Clinic Date

Before MC has her first encounter with Helios, we have to look more into Kiro’s background and childhood. 

Kiro was experimented on as a kid. He didn’t know his name, his birthday or where he came from. Through the experiments of genetic modification, he obtained his evol. Only when MC and the original KEY came to him, did he really strive to fulfil his sense of purpose of “we shall stand in darkness as we defend the light”, and also to protect MC back. His mentor used to be the original Helios, one of the twelve-ranking positions in BLACK SWAN, but went missing when Kiro was 15. Been given the name Kiro, using his idol identity, accepted this as Helios and as of the leader of BLACK SWAN to rid Leto- the true evil of the Season 1 timeline.

It is evident that he does genuinely care about his fans, his career and music despite all of this. This aspect of him is very much true (we see that he exposes a person scamming his fans in Chapter 3 and that in his various dates he dedicates his work to comforting his fans in their everyday lives). However, with this much love and support from everyone with very few knowing his true intentions and darker past, it is easy to “trip up” upon these identities, in a way that he would feel so lonely (as I reiterate what I said above) that everyone would think he’s the perfect man (not saying he isn’t because we all know he is!) without any troubles or experiencing difficulties climbing up the ranks to be where he is now- especially with his evol being charm and control. He would wonder if it’s really him or his evol making people act this way towards him (why he has this much love and attention). 

In reality, every teacher who has met him adored him very much. But because of this, Kiro always remained in fear. From the beginning to the end, he had felt that the love and care from others was akin to smoke - surging at first, but from thereafter, dissipates gradually. -CN Stunning Young Idol Rumours and Secrets

He’s like a little sun with no dark spots at all. No wonder people say people say he has a super power. He seems to be loved by everybody… -Chapter 3-1

“A lot of people adore me, but only when I’m doing my thing on stage. They wouldn’t want to see me now...” -Visiting Hours Date 

It would be incredibly hard for him to keep this standard and uphold these burdens with his identity as Helios and KEY as well- where everyone would believe those personas of him to be the “vice”- the “evil”, in morality play. Because when the people who love you only know and love this side of you, what becomes of you when you lose it all?

Superstar Kiro was a little angel who received the admiration and respect of thousands and thousands of fans. What the hacker KEY sounded like was someone with malicious intentions.

-

Kiro didn’t know which one of his identities was more famous. Though of course, nobody would correlate these two polar-opposite identities together. -CN Heavens Home for Children Rumours and Secrets

He always looked so carefree in front of people, smiling and laughing. But when he was alone in the corner, he always looked so solemn and tired. Countless times, Savin had wanted to talk to Kiro about his work, life and feelings but with just a few words, Kiro would always put him to ease. -That Boy Makes Me Worry Rumours and Secrets

However, behind his brilliant smile, I could occasionally feel something different. It was like paper that couldn't be penetrated. After all, he was a superstar. Ordinary people like us wouldn't understand their world, they must have one or two faces of their own behind the screen. -Secret Base Rumours and Secrets

In the makeup room, sitting on the sofa, Kiro had lost some shine he had under the spotlight and looked a little bit exhausted.  -Confession Date

In a way, Kiro still staying so pure and happy when others are around is because he doesn’t want people to suffer like he did. He had an extremely rough time when he was young, but his beliefs, light and hope that MC gave him allowed him to fight for better days. 

I then thought about the superstar Kiro many years later, who was always shining and effortlessly charming. This made me really sentimental. How many things must he have been through to become strong enough to bring light to other people? -Echoes of Time: Parisian Salon

She looked so pretty when she smiled, and she also had a father who loved her dearly. She was definitely… someone who deserved to live the most. -CN Top Experimental Subject Rumours and Secrets

His dazzling smile conceals something underneath, just like how the dazzling sun shrouds darkness underneath. Hidden in the depths of his own secrets are things even darkness doesn’t know of. If darkness had a mind of its own, it might think it doesn’t fit with this pure and simple youth. Just as how everyone thinks of him as a simple, innocent Kiro, the sunlight casted on him, able to pierce through him completely, with rays of light refracting onto the floor.  Actually, since a very long time ago, he no longer was a youth… But now, for her sake, he’s willing to become a youth again. -CN Youthhood Rumours and Secrets

The thing I like most about you is that you never admit defeat and you always stay positive. Every time I see you it's like you’re this brilliant sun and I feel charged of energy. Maybe all the lonely times I’ve been through... was so that I could meet you. -Confession Date

When they were younger, they were together as test subjects for evol. MC promised him donuts. He gave her a stuffed teddy bear. Kiro tried to help MC escape but they got caught and separated. They had spent quite some time together, so Kiro would be able to recognise MC once they had met again. Kiro had to replace another child for a top experiment, and the workers thought he’d die anyway as he was too weak. But still, he had survived and became the first and only successful subject. MC showed him that there was kindness- light- that still existed in the darkest of places. And in the darkest parts of his heart, there was MC to light those areas up for him :)

“Look, this world is so beautiful, and you don’t need to be afraid anymore.” But till now, he has yet to find her. But he remembers her eyes. And one day, he will find her within a vast sea of people. 

Kiro remains speechless- quietly listening to the little girl speak. The little girl struggles to pull on his hand. Their fingers interlock together, the warmth from her palm gradually coursing into Kiro’s heart. “Don’t be afraid. I’ll protect you.” Kiro turns to look at her - to look at her perseverant brown eyes, looking at how the corners of her lips turn upwards. Kiro slowly learns how to curl the corners of his own lips from her. It’s the first smile to have appeared on his face.  “This time, I’ll be the one protecting you.” Kiro says excitedly. He stands outside the airport, staring directly at the sun. “I’ll find you, and protect you. I even have a mountain of souvenirs stored in my luggage- I’ll give them to you! And my purest heart - I’ll give it to you too!” -CN Youthhood Rumours and Secrets

Helio’s Transformation

“Because only you can awaken me from darkness, no matter when.”

When Kiro transforms to Helios, it mainly affects his physical appearance. His hair grows longer and changes to colour, and his black (and super cool) NIRVANA tattoo appears. When he is weak, the tattoo fades (seen in Clinic Date.)

Nirvana- a transcendent state in which there is neither suffering, desire, nor sense of self, and the subject is released from the effects of karma and the cycle of death and rebirth. It represents the final goal of Buddhism.

I looked at his silver hair. It looked very natural with no signs of hair dye. In the serene moonlight, it was very beautiful. It wasn’t dyed, and it didn’t look like it turned silver because of an illness or something. -Chapter 17 

Helios’s ring also plays part of his transformation. This is ultimately connected to BLACK CABIN and the 1908′s White House Explosion- when evol was born. From this high-dimensional space, Kiro is able to take on as Helios- who also known to be BS’s first generation of god. He can change upon his will, and influences from BLACK CABIN/QUEEN can cause him to lose control.

The golden hair mixed with the bright silver. He raised his finger, and the silver ring flashed. He muttered quietly, as if speaking to the ring and to himself. -Behind The Curtain Part 6: After Returning 

Moonlight shone through the window, illuminating his silver hair with a golden glow for an instant. He buried his face in his right elbow, and large beads of sweat formed on his brow, as if a kind of uncanny transformation was occurring. “NOT NOW!!!” He howled hoarsely, his eyes now golden in the darkness. Residual power inside the Quarantine zone appeared to be affecting him. Violent forces jolted in the tiny space, and coursed through his obsidian ring. -Night Watchman Rumours and Secrets

Chapter 14

He turned and looked at me, his face a pallid white. His smile was still gentle. Suddenly, I felt intensely uneasy. 

MC: “We’re going in, right?”

Kiro didn’t answer, his eyes intent on me gleamed with a flash of golden light above. When I looked carefully, I discovered his eyes turned into this exquisite gold like pure amber, or crystallised time. 

Kiro: “I command you…”

I have never heard him sound like this before. Stiff, stern and solemn.

“All within my range of control belongs to me. Now walk onto the rooftop, lock the door, and don’t let anyone in… including me... Don’t be afraid. You’ll be okay. I said before, I will definitely succeed this time. I will always protect you.” 

In saying this, he believes that his own sacrifices are necessary, no matter what the situation is. Kiro is willing to dim or even smother his own light and sun for MC to be safe and happy. 

A black figure suspended in the air behind Kiro, just like scythe-toting Death himself… I seemed to see a golden-winged bird fly by, like a ray of light crossing the sky, leaving a temporary light trail in my vision.

“Death”, “golden-winged bird”, and “light”.

This sentence was highlighted in the chapters’ outline from the chapter contents. This implies the symbolism of the phoenix bird- the mythical bird that rises from the ashes and is reborn again. Kiro was captured by BLACK SWAN as punishment and had undergone modification- and was resurrected as Helios.

Chapter 17

He was standing in front of me. Half of his face was hidden in the shadows, but I could see the sharpness of his eyes and eyebrows. He took the notebook away from my hands before I could finish my sentence.

As MC gets tied to the table, flashbacks from suppressed memories emerge. We see Kiro and MC together being test subjects. (Fun fact- Kiro and MC’s blood type is O!) 

White walls. A deserted lab. A cold med table. And a blond boy with agony in his face. Next to him lay a brown-haired girl who was unconscious. …Was that me? I looked at the blood pouring out from the IV. Tears came from my eyes. Kiro… Our lives were connected long before. But where are you now?

She finally realises that Kiro was that boy from the orphanage.

 AND I JUST REALISED SOMETHING. HAS HELIOS NEVER OUTRIGHTLY ADMIT THAT HE’S NOT KIRO? LIKE HE NEVER SAID “NO”?? 

MC: Are you really not Kiro?

??: How long are you going to keep calling me by that wrong name?

(Yes, it’s technically the wrong name because right now he’s called Helios but he’s also technically still Kiro!)

He didn’t sound particularly annoyed, but I felt saddened.

MC: I…

I looked at his face. Every line, feature- they resembled Kiro, but at the same time wasn’t.

MC: I’m sorry… I must be wrong…

I hung my head low. His face may resemble him, but his expressions were so unlike Kiro and I didn’t want to see that.

But my intuition told me that my hunch was not wrong. If that was correct, then one of my paths was already sealed.

-

Helios: What makes you think that I wouldn’t? You already know where I’m from. Why are you being so naïve? I shook my head. MC: Kiro wouldn’t do this to me… An unknown emotion flashed in his eyes. 

Poor Kiro, having to pretend to not know MC and act so cold towards her. It must have been incredibly hard and painful for the both of them. Please just LET THEM BE TOGETHER. 

Kiro isn’t risking MC see this darker side of him. He truly doubted if anybody would accept him as Helios, because he was just so used it before as an idol having to act so perfect on screen, showing everybody what they wanted to see.

-

“MC. Step a meter away from him, and close your eyes.

The golden flashes in his pupils were the last thing I saw before I closed my eyes.

“I command you to forget what just happened. And I command you to forget about me. Remember, I’m just Helios.”

My memories were being erased bit by bit. Kiro was fading from my sight. His smiles, his eyes, his warmth… all of them became vague like a fog and disappeared. I tried my best to hold onto them, but it was all in useless.

Kiro… Even the name I tried to hold on till last was wrenched away from me. He watched silently as MC closed her eyes and blacked out in his arms.

“I’m sorry…”

He apologised again quietly. His eyes that once held warmth and brightness were again now filled with shadows.

“I will find the truth that you’re looking for. I don’t want you to bear that heavy burden. I’ll come back to you some day, but not today. Don’t remember my dark sides. In your eyes, I will always remain Kiro to you. After I take care of everything, things can go back the way they were between us. This time, I’ll make sure that you don’t have to wait long.”

-

“He looked a lot like Kiro. But it wasn’t him.”

In my palm was a small candy glistening in the sunlight. On impulse I unwrapped the paper and put it in my mouth.

MC: Apple flavour…

It somehow crossed my mind that it was Kiro’s type of flavour.

He wants MC to still have faith in him, and to trust in his abilities to protect her, as the candy is a motif for their relationship and exchange towards each other. (This was the same back in the orphanage when they were together too.) However, as his identity as Kiro, not the Helios she encountered. (Dramatic ironyyyy)

“We shall stand in darkness as we defend the light.”

Thorns Date 

In the photo, Kiro looked completely different from what he usually looked like. On the glistening water, a youth held a birdcage, with a glint of melancholy in his drooping eyes. This was the last set of photos before quitting.

-

Kiro asked for my praise with shiny begging eyes, as if the prior sorrow and blue were all my illusions.

-

We stood very close to each other, yet at this moment, I felt there was a formed gap between us.

“MC, do you think the imprisoned bird can get out of the cage?”

-

There seemed to be a ray of golden light flashing through my mind but I couldn't catch it. (The thought that Helios came to see her?? Yes.)

I remember his distance, his apathy, yet puzzling familiarly. 

Helios saw the magazine falling from my bag, his face flashing with complicated emotions I couldn’t comprehend. And I felt the familiar feeling of being touched deep in my soul. 

“You like gazing at me a lot.” 

-

Standing at the edge of the dark abyss, he opened his arms and leaned backward without hesitation. He fell straightly like a folded winged bird in the moment. (Similes, metaphors and symbolism galore!)

-

I sat on the ground limply and closed my eyes to avoid the dazzling light. This scene felt so familiar as I had experienced such a farewell.. Why? 

My senses told me this man was Helios, yet the feelings from deep of my heart were so real. 

“Helios! Do you… know how the imprisoned bird can get out of the cage?” 

“Why do you think I will answer this question?” Behind such eyes, there seemed to be something else I couldn’t make out in the shadow.

I seemed to see him unfold a pair of black wings on his back and about to flutter away. No more cages could imprison him and nothing could make him stop. Helios walked from the bright light into the shadow. 

He recalled her last question and her sad and confused eyes. Suddenly he recalled an ancient story. There was a kind of bird. It was always trapped in the thorns of fate from the moment of its birth. If the most beautiful thing was doomed to be exchanged with the deepest pain. He would overcome all obstacles to come back to her. And be her sun again.

The story that Helios recalled could be The Nightingale by Hans Christian Andersen. 

In Ancient China, one of the forests lived a nightingale, who sang so beautifully everybody would stop and listen. The nightingale was renowned to be the best wonder out of all the things that the travellers abroad had ever seen. However, the Emperor of China didn’t know that such a bird existed, and demand to have it found.

The bird had come willingly to sing for the Emperor, singing so sweetly that tears came out of everybody’s eyes. The nightingale lived in the court thereafter, until one day the Emperor had received a mechanical copy of the bird, golden with precious gems and all. The nightingale had left, and all the courtiers had said that it was an ungrateful creature. It was therefore banished from the empire. 

The mechanical bird had stopped working, only being able to play once every year. Five years had passed, and the Emperor fell ill that nobody expected him to live. Death had arrived to the Emperor as he prayed for the bird to sing a note. The living nightingale had appeared again, and had come to sing out of trust and hope for the Emperor. Death went to look at the Emperor’s renowned garden as the Emperor was thankful for the bird’s singing. She sang again, and the sun rose through the window and as everybody thought the Emperor had passed. The Emperor wanted the nightingale to stay by his side but it refused. It cannot live in the palace, but promised to visit the Emperor to sing to him. 

A black figure suspended in the air behind Kiro, just like scythe-toting Death himself… I seemed to see a golden-winged bird fly by, like a ray of light crossing the sky, leaving a temporary light trail in my vision.

Similar to Chapter 14, in this date, Kiro is represented as the bird, trapped in the cage. He had to release what everyone wanted him to be- Kiro, the shining sun/bird trapped in the cage under their control- ironic how his evol is absolute control because his charm would have drawn people this way in as a result. And the only way to be free was to be resurrected, to escape, to disappear from public view- to become free as Helios.

Light Pursuit Date 

“Will you forget me?”

Kiro was becoming faint like a water mist. Panicking, I reached out to grab him but he slipped away from my fingers. An invisible wall had come between us and I couldn’t get close to him. This one step was like an unbridgeable gap between us, but it was like a line that we could never cross.

Will I forget Kiro? That sudden question in my head became clearer, and made me tremble in panic.

-

He had the name of a sun god, but even I couldn’t feel any bit of warmth.

MC: What is Helios here for?

Helios: We meet again, MC.

This was the first time that Helios called me by my name. He was brusque as ever, but there seemed to be a small amount of yearning in his voice. He did not act the way like the Helios that I used to know. His attitude and manners were surprisingly refined… like he was acting out a whole different persona.

-

The music changed into Por Una Cabeza- the tango song that I was very familiar with.

(I absolutely love the intertextuality that the game has. It’s a Spanish tango song that was also appeared in Scent of a Woman starring Al Pacino where the tango scene featured a blind man dancing with a woman who didn’t know how to dance and was scared of making mistakes. This correlates perfectly for MC and Helios. MC’s body is reacting to Helios as if he was Kiro...)

I didn’t drink, but I felt drunk somehow. Otherwise how else would this reachable warmth and illusion of intimacy familiar? 

We were so close to each other, but the distance between us was only one step away, but a step we could never cross.

-

Helios looked up when he heard my voice. His eyes seemed to have trouble focusing. His blue eyes wavered like a lake sprinkling with sunlight. Surprisingly, there was sorrow, and naivety in those usually unfeeling eyes.

He lowered his head and his chin rested on my shoulder. I have never seen Helios so vulnerable. His hands were wrapped around my waist, leaving no space between us. Helios didn’t answer and continued to keep me pressed to his body. There was a deep aura of loneliness and bitterness about him that was barely discernible from his cold exterior.

-

Because to me, you were familiar to someone I deeply care about. Because my soul resonates when I am close to you. Because…. of a ridiculous assumption. Did I reach the edge of truth? Or was I just deceiving myself? A thick fog was obscuring me from seeing the truth clearly. I didn’t continue talking or thinking. MaybeI was so vaguely aware that this was the closest I could get to him. Only one step away but a distance I could never close.

MC is also scared. She’s in turmoil. She wants to know the truth but she’s also sitting on the fence with it. Especially due to the memory wipe. It’s like, “maybe it’s better if I don’t,” and “I think you are that someone I care so much about but I can’t be sure about it because even if I ask you, you won’t tell me, and I don’t know what to do.” 

:(

Stardust Date

Kiro: That’s right. I’m going to a far, far place. And I will stay there for a very long, long time. Don’t cry when you start missing me. MC: I’m not going to cry!

Kiro: But I will. So promise me, alright? Don’t forget me, even if I leave. 

Two days afterwards, I heard him talk to someone on the phone. I’m pretty sure it was his voice, but it sounded like he was a completely different person. 

What was he trying to hide? Did it have anything to do with his “leaving”? Was it out of his own will or was he involved in something under duress?

-

The confident smile on his face as he glided his fingers across the keys fluently, showed his passion for this show. As songs were played after another, he became more focused. I could tell from his expression that he was fully immersed in this performance. As long as he was given a stage and music, he’d become the centre of attention no matter what position he was in. However, the more passion I saw, the more I was scared for his “leaving”. He is the sun- what will happen to his supporters when they lose him? And what about me? What will happen to me?

Light and Shadow Phone Call

MC: Is that melancholy in your voice? It’s unlike you to be down like this.

Kiro: Really? Does everyone think I’m that shallow?

MC: Of course not. But you are the brightest and warmest sun, so it’s easy to be touched by your optimistic side first.

Kiro: But right now, the sunlight is getting too strong that it’s scorching…

MC: Hmm? Is it? right now it’s sunset where you are?

Kiro: Yes. I’m sitting atop of Namibia’s Dune 45 and everything is red. Even the sun is sinking low.

MC: Soon, it will sink beyond the horizon.

Kiro: Yes… Miss Chips, Since you say I’m like the sun, and the sun eventually sets...

Kiro: If I have a dark side, I should hide it from others, right?

MC: Why should you hide it?

Kiro: Because, I don’t want to show you and I don’t want to disappoint others.

MC: But you’re just you, Kiro.

Kiro: I am who I am?

MC: Yes. Why can’t a sun have shadows? Even the real sun has sunspots! People who really care for you will love both the warm sunny side and the occasional dark, depressed side.

Kiro: But I always feel...

MC: Everyone has a side they want to hide in the shadows. No one is expected to be required as perfect. That applies to my little sun as well.

Kiro: Can I really be imperfect?

MC: Absolutely. To me, all sides of you are worth cherishing.

Kiro: Thank you, MC.

MC: What’s there to thank?

Kiro: Because… only you are willing to see the weak and plain side that I’m hiding and accept both my light and my shadow.

MC: That’s why I’m your own personal tree hole! I’ll keep your sorrows tucked away for you!

Kiro: Thank you Miss Tree Hole. I’m so lucky to have you. In fact, you are my sun who gives me light to embrace the world every morning. Thank you, for always being there by my side.

This call is so significant for Kiro, and his battle between light and dark. After his evol went out of control, he’s afraid of hurting his fans and MC. Similes and metaphors are used to compare his evol/different personas as the sun and how it will soon go down. He confronts the truth that he will also have to leave the public view soon, and uses this opportunity of the call to confirm what MC thinks if he had imperfections/shadow sides. And of course, to thank her before he leaves. 

Chapter 21 (Winter World)

He was so fast that his moves were a blur. He dodged every attack and landed his own with grace and strength. It was like watching a silver moonlight dancing in flowing moves. 

-

“You seem to be completely ignorant about how weak you are.”

I was trapped in a little cage he made with his body against the wall. The cruelty in his face crumbled the last of my shields. he didn’t stop there. He leaned in with his whole body hemming me into the confined space he created. 

Helios: Weaklings should learn to survive on their own. No one will teach you that. 

MC: I don’t want to be a weakling forever.

Helios: Then you better figure out how to become stronger.

He dropped his sarcastic tone. Instead, each syllable fell from his mouth with  upmost earnestness. 

Helios: Use all your strength. Every method you can think of. Abandon your past...even abandon yourself. If you can’t do that, then just go back tot the world you came from.

-

1562 clutched tightly on his friend’s blanket, refusing to let go. However, in the end, he was shoved onto the ground because his strength was too weak. He had collided so hard that he couldn’t get up for a long while.  -CN Top Experimental Subject Rumours and Secrets

If MC hadn’t come, then there would be no real sun in his life. He would only have artificial light. And he would be right- Helios would be just Helios. He wouldn’t bother much about fans or music, but using this identity to climb the system. He had to learn the hard way on how to survive. Nobody was there for him, thus it would be harder for him to feel empathy towards others in situations other than this. 

The sun had risen completely. The increasing bright light drowned everything that belonged in the darkness. Helios remembered that day a long time ago. In the darkness, the withered hand touched his head and said faintly, “become Kiro, be the so-called “sun”.

At that time, he had lowered his eyes, nodded blankly, and simply walked out into the night, emitting a false light that was not his own. But today… Helios looked off into the distance, and seeing the dazzling morning light, he remembered the girl… At that moment, he saw the real sun.  -Between Light and Darkness Rumours and Secrets 

From “Behind The Curtain”, MC fell into the space-time gap and was saved by Helios. Even though he couldn’t see her as they were in different dimensions, she could be influenced by him. This wasn’t the first time that he’s tugged on that bond tying them together to BLACK CABIN. Thank you Helios also for helping bring MC back to her original world.

Chapter 28

Kiro: You should know about everything that I’ve done.

MC: I know that... you’re Helios.

Kiro’s eyes flickered and blinked at me. The golden hair under the now eclipsed sunlight seem to have an extra glow to it. Kiro: Is my name really that important?

MC: Why did you hide it from me? I trusted that you would tell me. That no matter what name you had, you really wouldn’t change...

Kiro: If a superhero were to turn into an arch-villain, would those who always believed in him lose hope? What he want most is for you to be a fairy, free of all cares. Not getting hurt, not getting worries, whose only responsibility is receiving signals and joy and happiness.

Kiro: However, if she is determined to go do something difficult, and she wants to bear this burden on her own... then I wish for her to be a little superhero, who can fly through it all with ease.

Chapter 29

“Don’t get all angry. The person beside you didn't even notice any difference between us. Or put it another way, it seems that “you” aren’t important in this role that you’re playing. Anybody can replace you.” -Anole

Anole is wrong (and just jealous). MC did notice, and plus, he probably wouldn’t have survived in the top experiment that Kiro had undergone in the orphanage. That was something only Kiro would have survived, with his willpower and determination in his heart to make a better life for himself and MC- something that Anole clearly lacks.

-

I had never seen Helios laugh before. His smile wasn't as dazzling as his golden-haired counterpart’s, but one could say that if the former him was the sun, then his smile was now a gentle moon.

THE IRONYYY. Helios is finally okay with showing this side of him to her, from watching her go through trials and tribulations in the Winter World with the other Helios- of course he wouldn’t want any danger to be near MC, but knowing that she can handle anything after all that she went through, he now knows that it’s better for her to be with him instead. Also he learnt how to smile from her and now he’s smiling again as Helios and I’m just so happy

Whether in the face of violent, nefarious enemies or a wave of blood and bullets, he’d never shown any fear. I got the feeling that he was somehow nervous, or even afraid. Was it because he had to return into the spotlight, back the shower of roses and applause?

Well… when he decided to give all that up and step into the darkness with no turning back, what was he thinking then?

-

He leaned on the wall and rested awhile, staring intently at the black tattoo on his right arm… he looked at himself in the mirror. His silver strands of hair were tingled with gold, as if bathed in sunlight. And for only that one time, he didn’t avert his gaze from the desire in his eyes. It was like looking at a self portrait—so distant, yet so familiar. It was only now that he realised: this was the moment in his life most worth reliving. Once again, he had become Kiro.

In the PV/Karma (photo down below), we see him wearing black- not as Helios but as Kiro! Again, ironic how he’s holding a comeback concert he’s wearing black, a colour that represents darkness and shadows. It had been noted in the Snooper Rumours and Secrets that this is way out of Kiro’s style wardrobe. However, this signifies a range of things. The two personas are “merging” as he no longer hides this persona to MC- they’re one in the same. It has always been this way and will never change. The colour black also means power and authority, but can mean fear and grief. This is the same outfit when Kiro was doubting himself in the Light Pursuit Date as well. 

Right now, if we’re talking moon phases, Kiro right now is in “the void”. Meaning he’s “nowhere”. He’s Kiro but he’s also operating as Helios. He feels nervous to go back but it does come so natural for him to be in the spotlight. He feels stuck at crossroads with himself, especially when he got forced back to perform by Anole. 

Ultimately, it’s like he’s saying “no matter what becomes of me, I will always stay true to you.” And I think this is perfectly translated as Kiro says, 

“Miss Chips, wait for me.”

(”Wait for me as I fight for us both. So you don’t have to suffer.”) But we suffer either way.

His light and sun has always come from MC. He will always keep running towards his sun, no matter which persona he embodies. This, we can be certain on. (New Season 2 Chapters please don’t oppose this LOL.)

“I await you at the end of the opposite path.”

[giorno-plays-piano]

hey!! i love your writing sm💕 idk if you’re still taking requests or if you’re comfortable w a like platonic or father figure yandere. But how about yan! Steve Rogers where he kidnaps a teenage girl to be his daughter then shields her from the world to “protect” her kinda like rapunzel. if you don’t want to that’s no problem at all tho💕

Hi, sweetie! This is a very peculiar request, and I really, really like it! I guess I’ve made Steve a little softer than I expected, but here he is. Hope you’re going to enjoy this!

The one he cares about

Pairing: adoptive dad!Steve & Reader, Peter Parker x Reader (if you squint)

Warnings: yandere, obsession (non-romantic!), stalking, kidnapping, death of minor characters (but nothing too scary).

Words: 1870.

P.S. Just to clarify this is NOT an incest story, Steve does not harbor any romantic feelings for the reader, he loves her like a parent does.

__________________

Pacing up and down nervously like a caged tiger, Steve threw a glance at the clock on the kitchen wall, ready to take out his cellphone and give you a call. It was just 10 pm, but he felt something wasn't going quite right. Was everything ok at that party? Were you enjoying yourself? Did you finally confess to that silly guy Steve didn't like at all? What if he had already got you, Steve's precious little daughter, into bed?

Breathing in deeply, the man tried calming himself down. You were an adult. At one point you would start dating people, and it was perfectly alright, Sam reminded him the other day. You weren't some princess locked in a tower with Steve guarding you like an angry dragon. You had the right to love and be loved, create your own family, for God's sake. When he thought of you leaving him Steve was ready to break that kitchen wall.

No, no, no, it was alright. You loved him with all your heart, and no stupid guy could take it away from Steve. He was your father. Adoptive father, of course, but he did everything he could to make you trust and love him as much as you true family. You were calling him dad, after all. And even if you eventually married someone, Steve would always stay close to help and support you - and your kids, if you ever decide to have any. At the thought of him kissing the cheeks of his cute little grandchildren Steve had finally relaxed.

Oh, was it the sound of the front door opening? As much as he wanted to rush to meet you, the man quickly put on his apron he ironed this morning and turned to the heated stove to put a meat pie in it. Alright, alright, you were already home, it was perfect.

But why so early? Steve was really generous this time and gave you till 1 am - of course, if you took a taxi, not go walking the streets in the night. Did something go wrong? Did the guy reject you? Did he take advantage of you? Did he... do something he shouldn't have?

Steve felt his blood boiling. In a second he was ready to storm out of the kitchen to beat the shit out of that bastard who was stupid enough to hurt his child.

"Hi dad! I'm home!"

As you walked in, carrying your beaded clutch in your arms and yawning tiredly, Steve put a smile on his face momentarily, assessing whether you were hurt within a couple of seconds. No, apparently, you were alright: you moved just like before; your hair wasn't ruffled, and your makeup wasn't smeared eather. He had overreacted again.

"Welcome back, sweet pea." Steve moved closer to you, giving you a tight hug and a kiss on the forehead as you giggled softly, throwing your arms around his broad back. "How did it go?"

As your face turned gloomy for a fleeting second, he knew his sixth sense wasn't lying to him: something didn't go well.

"Nah." You brushed it off as you sat on the chair, carelessly leaving your clutch on the table and stretching your legs with a loud sigh.

"What is it, sweetie?"

Furrowing his brows, Steve sat across from you, his hands folded as he stared at you with worry. Shit, did this guy try doing something funny? Did he offend you? Oh, Steve was going to have a nice talk with him, a moron who thought he could do this to his little girl and it would never come back at him. Should he call Natasha? Maybe Bucky? He knew they were still in town. No, no, he would take this matter in his own hands and go have a nice talk with that stupid ungrateful ba-

"It's alright, I swear." You muttered and forced a smile, drawing his attention back to you. "He just... well, just didn't return my feelings."

"Did he reject you?"

For a second Steve felt both relieved and ready to go murder that kid in a cold blood. Rejected you? The prettiest and smartest girl in the town with a heart of gold? Who did that little shit think he was, rejecting Steve's precious daughter?

But it was better than him forcing you to do something you didn't want. At least that asshole didn't do anything inappropriate to you, probably too scared to face your angry dad who could crack his skull with one hand.

"Not like reject in the full sense of the word, but... um, I feel like he was a little scared of me." Your smile turned bitter, and you leaned onto Steve, pressing your forehead into his chest as you exhaled loudly.

Well, it wouldn't be the first time it happened. Everybody around knew you were the daughter of retired Captain America, and people were treating you with such caution as if you were some time bomb, clearly unwilling to make the world's first Avenger angry. Partly, it was a good thing since no one tried messing with you. However, you were also left pretty much alone, ignored by the majority for the sake of their own well-being. Although you had found several friends, dating someone was a completely different thing: guys were running away from before you even spoke to them.

"I'm so sorry." The man said quietly, rubbing your back and gently caressing your head with his other hand. "This is my fault."

You sighed, lifting your head and looking at Steve so tenderly he suddenly felt like he was the happiest man in the world. What, weren't you upset?

"Come on, dad." His heart sped up when you called him that, and he was ready to lift you up in the air, kissing his little girl's nose. "I thought he's different, but he's just a chicken like all other guys. I'll get over him soon."

"Hard to live up to our standards, I guess." Steve smiled and pinched your nose a little, making you laugh again. "But you need to know I am really sorry, sweat pea. I swear I wouldn't stand in your way if you decided he was the right guy for you."

Actually, Steve pretty much would, but you wouldn't know about it. Happiness of his only child was the only thing that mattered to him now: what was the point of being a parent if you couldn't make your kid happy?

"It's okay, really, dad. I wouldn't change the things as they are now. When I think what could happen if you didn't see me on the street that night... uh-huh." You didn't finish the sentence, not that you needed to.

If Steve didn't find you that night desperately searching for food on the streets of New York, you'd probably be dead now.

You were born to a good family, and you spent the first 11 years of your life in a nice place, having loving parents, the roof above your head and food on the table. You were just one more happy kid among thousands of others, neither better nor worse than all of them. It all changed when your parents were killed by two robbers who had broken into your house, and soon you ended up in an orphanage - you still had nightmares about this place. You spent a year there before you escaped, choosing the streets over an orphanage. Silly you, thinking it would be better.

When Steve found you, you were 13. Dirty, always hungry, acting like a little wild animal, you were no more pitiful than any other homeless child, ignored by the majority of people, but Steve saw you. He took you with him - forcefully, of course, because you fought him like a little angry cat, frightened to the core he was going to take advantage of you like all those people pretending to help you. But he didn’t. He was the one who had truly cared.

It took him months to get you accustomed to living in a house again with someone close to you. Steve spent even more time trying to make you trust him, make you believe he was your friend, somebody you could rely on, trust, see as a parental figure. You couldn’t even name all those people he hired to help you: countless psychologists and psychiatrists; doctors and nurses of all kinds; visiting teachers and tutors. Despite liking to live alone, Steve brought so many strangers to his house it felt like living in a royal palace with tons of court attendants. All of this was for you, the only person he cared about, his little child.

When you were 15, you started calling him dad, and that was the day neither Steve nor you would ever forget: he scooped you up and kept swinging you around till your head was spinning while he laughed and shouted how much he loved you, the best daughter he could ever had. 

You never knew the extent to which Steve cared about you, following you secretly when you finally agreed to leave the house - he needed to know you were safe and sound. Of course, he was always there when he supposed someone wasn’t treating you right, and he did everything he could to keep his only child happy. Unfortunately, you were lonely until Steve found a couple of good friends for you, but it was alright. You were perfectly okay now.

“I love you too, sweet pea.” He smiled, caressing your head gently. “But you know what? Don’t worry about that guy. I actually have someone who I want you to meet, and he’s a really sweet kid.”

“Whoa, what? What kid?”

“Well, you know. Kid from work.”

“Dad, what work? What kid?” You rolled your eyes at him, giggling. “How old is he, at least?”

“A little older than you, but he’s alright. He’s been wanting to meet you for some time.” But before Steve wasn’t sure kid was the right guy for you, considering that he was still very much an Avenger and was involved in all kinds of dangerous situations. 

“Dad, what kid? Are you talking about your superhero colleagues or something?” 

“... yeah? I promise, you’ll like him. Peter’s a good kid.”

“Peter? Peter goddamn Parker?!” You exclaimed loudly, realizing he was talking about Spider-Man. “Are you joking?!”

“What did I tell you about swearing, sweetheart?” Furrowing his brows, Steve shook his head in disapproval, but laughed in the very next second, watching your guilty expression. “Alright, alright. I’m not joking. If you’d like to meet him, I’ll ask him to come tomorrow for dinner, ok?”

“Yes, please!”

As he took the pie out of the oven with you waiting at the dinner table, Steve thought about giving the kid a big lecture about what he was and wasn’t supposed to do to you, but he was more or less sure Peter knew what was right and wrong. Steve could spot that familiar glint in kid’s eyes when he was looking at your photo that Steve had been showing him proudly. 

It would turn out alright. Your father was ready to do anything it takes to make you happy.

___________________________

Tags: @finleyjayne @alexakeyloveloki @helenaeisenhower @villanellevi @hurricanerin @inlovewiththefictionalcharacters @abyssaint @heeeyitskay @chris-evans-indian-fanfic @navegandoaciegas @rosalynshields @brattycherubwrites @sllooney @angrythingstarlight @lookiamtrying @buckysbunny @soleil-dor @stargazingfangirl18 @dillybuggg @literate-lamb @cosicas-cuquis @iheartsebastianstan @lovelydarkdaydream @sarge-barnes-sir

[contradictions-of-iron-and-lace]

So on my old blog, I would occasionally give my unsolicited thoughts and opinions on shows or movies (usually ones that either had a lot of hype or were just straight up bad). I just watched "365 Dni" aka "365 Days" because I had a couple hours to kill so be prepared for mental spewage because it's my blog and I do what I want.

Wait I thought this was a romantic thriller. They're talking about human trafficking. This is already gross.

Michele Morrone is very good looking though and I've been obsessed with his face for the last few weeks.

This whole conversation about these girls getting trafficked is gross.

Yes. Let's be extra pervy during a pervy business meeting and check out the girl on the beach with our binoculars.

Hold up. Why did they get shot?

I don't know what's going on. Freaking Italian mob, man.

This song about being addicted to someone that's playing while people are bleeding out on the ground seems tonally inappropriate.

So far we've seen Italy, San Francisco, and Warsaw. I didn't know we were globetrotting.

And we switched from Italian to Polish to English. Sure.

Yeah. Michele Morrone could get it. Also he survived being shot.

Is that the same girl from the beach? Probably. Why not.

They do a lot of spinning shots and it's making me dizzy.

So far this is a very expensive foreign Lifetime movie.

Yes. Because everyone takes boob shots in the back of their Uber while sober.

Homegirl's boyfriend looks like they picked him out of a burly henchman catalogue.

Yup. Michele Morrone is stupid hot. Even just sitting down he's hot.

Oh good. We've transitioned from potential human trafficking to cocaine.

Well damn. This is fairly explicit for a "mainstream" film.

Cool. I share a name with the female lead.

Still don't know the male lead's name yet.

Everybody in this movie is either stupid hot or stupid ugly. There is no middle ground.

Yes, Michele. Creeping up on this girl on a darkly lit path saying "Are you lost, little girl?" is definitely going to win you all the points.

I don't understand why writers insist on putting powerful women with schlubby dudes. It's tired and cliched and inevitably leads to annoying arguments.

Yes. Let's wander around Sicily at night all alone. That's totally safe.

And my point is proven.

I hope if I ever get kidnapped and holed up in some random ass castle in Sicily my makeup looks as good as Laura's.

So this just turned into a horror movie.

Called it about Laura being the girl on the beach.

Yeah, that's not creepy at all, dude. Let's obsess over a girl we might have hallucinated for five years and then kidnap her and give her a year to fall in love with you. Solid plan.

This is literally making my skin crawl.

Ah yes. "I won't do anything without your permission" he says as he literally grabs and sexually assaults her.

So basically this is trying to be "erotic thriller, Beauty and the Beast style".

Her pulling a gun on him has been the best thing so far.

I'm so confuuuuuused.

That's nothing new though. I live in a state of perpetual confusion.

Why the hell is there a man chained to a rock in this dude's basement.

I have many concerns.

Also his name is Massimo so that's good to know.

Besides the man chained in his basement his house is pretty cool.

Just kidding the man is no longer chained in the basement since he now has a bullet in his head.

I'm only 30 minutes in and this has been a wild ride.

"I'm not a bag of potatoes you can move without my permission!" is very Polish and as somebody who's family is Polish I'm living for it.

I'm going to need him to stop laying hands on her.

Whoever chose the music made some odd choices.

He keeps watching her sleep and it's creepy.

And there he goes grabbing her again.

I do like that she's giving him a lot of attitude and isn't putting up with his shit but you know that's going to change 🙄

Yes. Go spend all his money, honey.

He is disrespectful as hell.

I don't care how hot he is, he's creepy and abusive and I don't like it.

"I am not the monster you think I am." You would be incorrect, my dude.

Like, she went on vacation with her boyfriend and friends, and I can't for the life of me figure out why they aren't looking for her unless they explained it and I missed it.

Pierogi. The most romantic of Polish foods.

"I do business." He's a drug trafficker, honey. Run away. Run far, far away.

Honestly I would turn this off if I wasn't so far in it already.

I feel like I have to see this trainwreck through to the end.

"I would like you to show me how to be gentle for you" would be more appealing if HE LITERALLY HAD NOT KIDNAPPED, ABUSED, AND ASSAULTED HER.

Ew. Did he sneak in her bed while she slept?

One good dinner and now she's all "let's gently touch him in bed and take a shower in front of him" 🙄

Why is this bathroom set up like a communal shower? It's weird.

Although to be fair if he hopped in the shower with me I'd check him out too 🤷

They tied her to the seat in the plane. What the hell.

I'm so uncomfortable.

Ugh. Why. Why is this a thing.

So far this has been creepier than 50 Shades and 50 Shades is creepy as hell.

Hold on. I thought they were at a hotel. Why does he have a giant ass portrait of himself hanging up in his room?

I. Am. Uncomfortable.

Oh man. He has a nice butt.

Don't get distracted by the pretty man, Laura.

Onscreen Laura too.

He asked her to teach him how to be gentle, then handcuffs her to the bed and makes her watch while he hooks up with another woman.

Yup. Doing a great job there, Massimo.

Cool I'm back to being confused.

She can't walk in her heels and I'm dying laughing. Same, girl, same.

"What are you wearing?" "A couple thousand euro of yours." GET HIM.

Now we've entered the Scarface phase of the movie because there was just a copious amount of cocaine snorted.

Where did he pull two guns from??

So I don't know how long she's been with him at this point. I feel like that's something that needs to be clarified.

And she fell off the boat.

Of course she did.

Oh man. Why's he gotta be so cute with his fluffy curls and stubble and tattoos?

Also I'm pretty sure he only owns like two shirts because he's walked around shirtless for most of this movie.

We are now in the part of the movie where we've screamed awful things at each other and now we're going to bone it out.

All over the boat. Like every surface of the boat they have now banged on.

If y'all were dissatisfied with the raunchiness of the 50 Shades series, this is the movie for you because it far surpasses that.

Of course they're going to a ball. They always do in these rich people movies.

Makeover montage because why not.

Oh no. He's hot in a tux.

It always cracks me up in movies when people just automatically know how to ballroom dance like professionals without any training.

Every time I think this movie can't get more cliched, it does.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I subject myself to bad movies?

I take it back. I know why I did it this time. The reason is 6'2" and looks damn good in a button up shirt.

"I thought you were kidnapped!" She was. You were a good friend for thinking that.

The switching between languages is giving me whiplash. It's very jarring going from Italian to Polish to English to Polish to Italian.

Her friend seeing through her bullshit is giving me life.

Also loving the fact that she's acknowledging she has Stockholm Syndrome. But because it's a movie it won't change anything.

Another makeover montage? So soon?

Also her friend keeps calling Massimo Mozzarella and it's hilarious.

That wig looks like it's about to crawl off her head.

Of course the ex shows up.

Honestly just knee him in the nuts and be done with it.

Why does Massimo think it's okay to break into her apartment and wait in the dark for her?

I don't know who thought using a blue light for her apartment was a good idea but it just looks like they're in a giant tanning booth.

"I don't need 365 days... Because I love you." GIRL NO.

I mean it was inevitable but it's still gross.

Yup. That's normal. Let's marry our kidnapper.

I want to snatch that wig off her head.

"What are your intentions with our daughter?" You don't want to know what his intentions are with your daughter, sir.

I will say that I love all her clothes in this movie.

Also she's pregnant. Calling it right now.

Called it.

Also good to know they've only known each other two months and they're going to get married and have a baby 👀

Her best friend is my favorite character and is the only likeable person in this whole movie.

Plot twist. Shocker.

This is so dramatic.

I will give them credit for the ending because that was unexpected.

In summary, this movie is trash and while the "love" scenes are pretty hot, it's not worth the time or effort that I clearly put into this.

[plushpinkfox]

the rophie rebuttal

well, here we are. i posted this to the website yesterday and i thought it was well-written so i’m posting it here too! tell me what you think :) and the website-speak starts... now!

hopefully this makes sense! please please please comment if you need me to clarify something. i worked for a long time on this rebuttal and it’s sort of all jumbled in my head. also, the quote used that doesn’t use page numbers in its citation was taken from an e-book because i didn’t have access to my paper copy at the time, but i still included the chapter number. sorry about that! this is a long one, and i hope you enjoy. again, please ask questions if you have them!

and here we begin.

rafal doesn’t understand sophie at all, and that (among other things) is why rophie is a terrible ship.

let’s draw attention to two passages describing what people think sophie feels. one by rafal, and one by agatha.

rafal’s will be the one evie quoted in her defense, just so i’m not putting words in anyone’s mouth:

“Because once upon a time, was just like you. I tried to love my brother. I tried to escape my fate. I even thought I’d found-” He caught himself. “But it only led to more pain, more evil. Just as every time you try to seek love, it leads you to the same. Your mother, your father, your best friend, your prince….the more you chase the light, the more darkness you find. And yet you still doubt your place in Evil. For thousands of years, Good gas told us what love is. Both you and I have tried to love in their way, only to suffer pain. But what if there’s a different kind of love? A darker love that turns pain into power. A love that can only be understood by the two people that share it. That’s why you held our kiss, Sophie. Because I see you for who you really are and love you for it when no one else can. Because what we’ve sacrificed for each other is beyond what Good can even fathom. It doesn’t matter if they don’t call it love. We know it is, just as we know the thorns are as much a part of the rose as the petals.”

but i’ve handpicked a few for you all to peruse for agatha:

“But it hasn’t killed us,” said Agatha calmly. “And the reason why is staring at us, crystal clear. I’ve been searching through Sophie’s memories, just like I have yours and mine. And the difference between Sophie’s memories and ours is that she wishes she’d done the right thing all those times she didn’t. She wishes she’d been Good again and again and again. That’s why she’s my friend. Because I know what’s in her heart, beneath all her mistakes. And this future here? To return to a boy she doesn’t love and destroy everything she’s been fighting for? To throw away the friendships she’s given her life to build? It’s the darkest kind of Evil. And that kind of Evil… That’s not Sophie.” She squeezed Sophie’s clammy hand. Sophie smeared away tears. Tedros tensed, veins straining against skin. “Agatha, if you’re wrong… imagine if you’re wrong…” “She’s not wrong,” Sophie rasped. “I swear on my own life. She’s not wrong.” – (Pages 420 – 421, A Crystal of Time)

and also:

“We chose each other, Sophie. We’re best friends.” Sophie looked away. “A princess and a witch can never be friends. Our story will forever prove that.” “No, our story proves a princess and a witch have to be friends. Because each of us has played both parts. That’s who we are. That’s why we’re us.” Sophie still couldn’t look at her. “All I ever wanted was love, Aggie,” she breathed, voice breaking. “All I ever wanted was a happy ending like yours.” “You already have one, Sophie. You’ve always had one.” Agatha smiled through tears. “With me.” – (Page 633, The Last Ever After)

when rafal talks to sophie, rafal says he understands her because they’ve gone through the same thing. he says everybody has abandoned him as well. everyone left him behind and he tells sophie she’s gone through the same. he tries to make her believe that nobody loves her but him (which is also a sign of a.buse). but the issue is, that’s not really true.

rafal has spent the entire book trying to make sophie believe that she is just like him. the entire reason she falls into the “depression” is because rafal has made her believe that he’s the only one she can count on. he lies to her and leads her back to him again and again. the whole reason for their “fracture in communication” that evie says ends their relationship is rafal. this is prominent especially in this quote:

“Not consciously, perhaps. But her soul spins towards Good the same way yours does towards Evil. Maybe she even thought in your heartbreak and anger at losing your prince, you’d turn your back on me too and destroy my ring. Good would have its perfect Ever After, clean and efficient, all because of a princess’s secret talent.” Sophie’s face calcified. “So she wanted me to end up alone.” “Indeed,” the young School Master smiled. (Chapter 26, The Last Ever After)

here, rafal is lying to sophie. he tells her that tedros doesn’t love her. but more importantly he tells her that agatha doesn’t love her. he says that agatha was just using her all along. the reason WHY sophie feels no remorse for her classmates, and no guilt or joy or happiness at all, is because rafal lied to her and told her the only person who she ever thought loved her actually hated her. so when you say the crack in their relationship is because of sophie’s depression, that’s not the entire truth. if you dig deeper, RAFAL is the cause of sophie’s depression and therefore the cracks in their relationship. he lied, and he faced the consequences.

on the other hand, agatha has proven again and again that she loves sophie for who she is. because sophie ISN’T AS EVIL AS SOMAN SAYS SHE IS.

bomb dropped, i know. let me explain. i’m going on a tangent and i don’t care.

as the first quote tells us, agatha (and us, the readers) have seen how time and time again sophie is willing to sacrifice everything for agatha. she let a fairy-tale life go for her in gavaldon, and she let agatha go with tedros so agatha could be happy. she even sacrificed her LIFE for agatha in the first book. and that’s not very… evil, is it?

we’re told that nicola is the one who is halfway between schools. but if i’m being honest, it seems like sophie fits that description more. if we look at the rules of good and evil, sophie has been both of them. she has helped and given for good, and she has punished and hurt with evil. so even though soman says she’s 100% evil, he’s proven over and over how it’s not really true. and agatha KNOWS this.

agatha defends sophie again and again because of what she said in a crystal of time. she knows sophie wants to be good. she knows sophie’s heart aches when she does something to hurt agatha. she loves agatha. she loves her so much she will do anything for agatha. and agatha understands her and loves her in return. all of her, because agatha knows the true sophie.

rafal doesn’t understand this at all. if rafal understood this he wouldn’t be so adamant on killing the only person that makes sophie truly happy. rafal says in the first quote that sophie is just like him. but it’s not true. sophie is not just like him. rafal wants to believe it, but the books prove that it’s not true. you may wonder what agatha has to do with all of this, and she’s really just brought up here for the comparison to rafal. when you say rafal understands sophie, he’s really just seeing what he wants to see and believing what he wants to believe. agatha is the only one who truly understands sophie, and it shows and is reciprocated.

rafal doesn’t understand that sophie loves agatha and will do anything to protect her, and that means he doesn’t understand sophie’s core motivations to do anything as a person. he doesn’t get that even though sophie’s heart is evil, she still has the capability, and more importantly, the DESIRE to do Good things. he just keeps going on and on about how similar they are because he’d do anything for a happy ending.

and the funny thing is, sophie would do anything for a happy ending too, including lose her life. but she’d do it for agatha, not for him. rafal doesn’t understand sophie at all.

also, other than the age difference (which is still important even if rafal acts and looks like a teenage boy despite them not having a described physical relationship), the other traits of abu.sive relationships that pop up over and over in rophie’s portrayal in the books were not mentioned or given a rebuttal at all. instead, you posted the traits of a “happy” relationship and gave evidence for that. even if they “trust each other” and “can be themselves around each other”, rafal still controls sophie, isolates her from her friends and threatens them, grabs her without permission, and harms the people she loves. i don’t know about you, but that sort of outweighs “trusting each other” to me. and he certainly didn’t trust her enough to go around the school herself or heal her own hand without his help.

rophie is, at its core, a bad, toxic ship.

[gloves94]

Sunburn [Prince Zuko] 9

Warnings: None   Rating: PG-13   Pairings: Zuko/OC   Summary:  “You have everything you’ve ever wanted.” “No.” He said softly. “Not everything…”  His golden eyes looked at her with a melting intensity she had never witnessed before. “I guess not.” She responded with glassy eyes as tears welled up threatening to break the dam of her eyes.

My fanfiction: M A S T E R L I S T

Later that evening Tsai had returned to where the Avatar gang were spending their nights in. Katara had been tossing around in her sleeping bag complaining about not wanting to be in the healing class because she would've gathered be learning how to fight instead.

"All knowledge is power Katara,"Tsai uttered wisely as her grandfather would've said. She lightly played with her choker necklace at the memory of the man. "You never know, the healing techniques that you learn might actually come in handy in the future." She nodded.

"A difference?" Katara questioned popping her head on her palm with curiosity. "What do you mean?"

"Yeah," Aang suddenly commented. "I'm also very curious- how was it that you managed to get past all of those Fire Nation guards at the Pohuai stronghold? He asked.

Tsai lowered her head in an attempt to hide the smirk that slowly inched across her face. She tugged in her arms deeper into her sleeves mischievously.

"I'll keep my secrets," she said with a ghostly smile before turning away from them preparing to sleep. "I'll tell," she said. "But first I have a question," she turned to look at both Aang and Katara once again.

"Why does everybody here hate me?" She asked bluntly.

Aang and Katara exchanged a look of pure confusion.

"In the Water Tribe, I mean." She clarified.

"Tsai," Katara began to explain. "You're Fire Nation. You're their enemy. You're our enemy."

"But why?" She retorted leaning forward as she sat with her legs crossed. "The Fire Nation is and has always been the greatest nation!" She spoke with a sudden bold sense of nationalism. "We bringing our culture and goods to new lands because we want to share our greatness with the world. It would be selfish not to."

"WHAT?" Katara roared furious. Tsai flinched slightly at her explosive reaction. She was not expecting her to react in this way.

"That's what you think the Fire Nation is doing?" She snapped. "I knew we shouldn't have trusted you!" She exited her sleeping back and rose to her feet aggravated. Tsai did the same.

"The Fire Nation took everything away from me! My family, my mother!" She roared. Aang held her back. "Starting this war is just as great of a sacrifice for my nation! It's for the greater good."

"You killed my mother!" She screeched heaving.

Tsai dropped the argument at the accusation. Katara's eyes were wide. Her nostrils were swollen with hatred as her eyes zeroed on the aghast teen before her.

"Can't you see? The Fire Nation has done nothing for the world! Everywhere you go you spread war, hatred, fear, famine, death and pain! You tear families apart. Leave orphan children, widowed wives, wounded soldiers and for what? For greatness?" She spat.

"Katara!" Aang pleaded.

Tsai wasn't going to sit here and take this. She turned away with her jaw clenched and stormed out of the room.

"Tsai! Wait!" Aang called after her. "Where are you going?"

Katara huffed and exhaled a sharp breath before snuggling inside of her sleeping back once again. She punched her pillow angrily a handful of times.

"Tsai means well Katara," Aang said after a moment. "I know it. She's just-" He paused for a moment trying to find the proper words. "The daughter of a Fire Nation governor?"

Aang was quiet at Katara's silent response.

"She's Fire Nation Aang. She's evil. They are all the same. Don't forget."

Xxx

"Is your friend toying with me?" Sokka snapped as he walked back to where they were staying.

"What are you talking about?" Tsai asked confused not in the mood to be dealing with these types of situations.

"I don't understand her. I thought she liked me and now she's telling me to get lost. I don't get it!" He threw his hands up in the air confused. "That's odd," Tsai said. "She told me she really liked you earlier today."

"Is she playing games with me or something like that?"

Yue didn't seem like the type to play these games. And from what she had told Tsai earlier she seemed to genuinely like the Southern Water Tribe boy. She thought for a moment scratching her chin.

"I don't think so," She said not really wanting to engage in conversation in her foul mood after her fight with Katara.

"So what should I do?" He deadpanned.

Was he really asking her for advice?

"I don't know," she shrugged. "Just talk to her. Ask her how she really feels about you."

"Why do I have the feeling you think talking is the solution to everything," he sighed in defeat. "It's probably what my grandpa would've said," she smiled fondly at the memory of the man.

"That is- completely unhelpful," he grumbled and hid his face in his arm.

"Sometimes some things are lost in translation." She says wisely. He looked at her oddly, she suddenly get a sad look on her face. She looked at Sokka one last time before continuing on her trek to nowhere in particular.

Katara was wrong.

The Fire Nation was the greatest nation. The war was well intended. Together all united under one nation the world would thrive. All under the rule of fire.

She thought about her home, Yu Dao. It's history serving as testament of the Fire Nation's greatness. Under Fire Lord Azulon the Fire Nation had made a mecca of industry and commerce out of a nowhere town in the edges of the Earth Kingdom. The city had drowned and blossomed to be one of the most important in the world. That would've never happened without them. So if they were so great...

She looked at a couple who whispered and shied away from her scarring away.

A man walking spit at her feet.

Arnook did not welcome her like a hero would've been welcomed.

If they were so great- why were they so hated?

xxx

"Yue, I need to ask for a favor." Tsai asked the following morning. She hadn't slept in the same room as the Avatar and his friends. Instead she had found comfort outside the doors of the palace simply leaning against the snowy wall and barely sleeping through the cold night. She really hated the weather here.

"Anything," Yue smiled taking her hands in hers. Tsai didn't have time to ask about what had happened with Sokka. It's not like she cared either. She wasn't the nosy type. "I need you to get me an audience with your father."

Moments later Tsai had her audience.

She walked into the meeting room. One which like the entire tribe was made of snow falls which reached the skies. The ceiling was gone allowing for the clear weather and shinning sun to witness their meeting.

"Arnook," she bowed before him in respectful Fire Nation fashion which irked the leader to no end. "You're persistent," he barked.

"What do you want?" He asked impatiently.

"Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tsai of Yu Dao. Yu Dao is-" he interrupted her. "I know what Yu Dao is!"

She paused for a moment. Knowing he would be difficult.

"I've come to you with a challenging question." She scrapped everything she had reserved. "Do you think.." She says slowly. "Do you think the Fire Nation and the Water Tribes will ever be able to work together as one?" She pondered.

"If you have come here to sheathe blood and bring darkness and war to my land I'm afraid that you've come to the wrong place," he threatened approaching her. The soldiers and other officials surrounding him raised their hands and weapons menacingly. A bead of sweat formed in her temple as she look at them. They were at least a dozen of them.

"Listen!" She snapped frustrated. "I did not choose where I was born. My mother is of Earth Kingdom descent, my father Fire Nation. Which makes me half of both. I cannot bend fire or earth-" once again he interrupted her.

"That only makes you a mutt." He said bitterly.

It was then that his eyes darted up in the sky. All of them did. She turned after a moment only to see what looked like black snow snowing above them. The girl had never seen snow before, let alone black one. It took her a moment to realize that it was ash raining above them. Which could only mean one thing.

"You have lead them to us!" Arnook pointed accusingly. "Arrest her!"

"No. I have no idea how they found us!" She denied the dangerous accusation.

Tsai tried running. She tried fighting but before she could move an inch was frozen still to the ground in ice.

xxx

The girl was thrown into jail. She didn't know how long she had been in there. It must've been more than a day. Unbeknown to her Yue pleaded with her father. Pleaded with all of her wish and power to let her out. She tried explaining it was a coincidence and that she believed in the Fire Nation girl's honesty, but Arnook would not see to it.

The cell was cold as ice which had her shivering in the corner alone hugging herself in an attempt to retain some of her body's warmth. In her time in jail she felt a terrible headache. One which she felt could've split her forehead in half. Looking out the window she noted that an ominous light as red as her hair crept in. Holding on to her temples in pain she looked out and saw that the full moon had been tinted a color of crimson red blood. She starred eyes wide when she suddenly heard a sudden crash nearby.

Shocked she took cover before a market stall was thrown at the wall making it collapse. Setting her free.

"Well.. That was lucky," she mused as she carefully snuck out of the gaping hole that had been made by the crash. Creeping on her toes she slid down a hill of snow to the streets of the Northern Water tribe with only one objective in her mind. Escaping. She didn't realize where she was falling to and fell into a freezing stream of water. The icy North Pole water felt like a thousand knives nipping at her body from all over.

She had to get out of here fast. As she ran the moon shifted color as the air became colder, the air darker as all color seemed to be drained from the world. She hadn't stopped to wonder just what thing could've thrown such a heavy cart at such a distance when a monstrous creature in the figure of a glowing fish rose from the depth of the waters. It attacked all Fire Nation as it stormed through the village.

She cursed as she avoided it. Noting it was mainly attacking the invading Fire Nation troops that had descended on the Water Tribe's village. If she got near it, it would probably lead to her demise.

Whatever that thing was- She saw fire balls being aimed and fired at the creature which advanced unaffected - whatever was going on - it was not good. There was no time to say goodbye to her friend Yue. To converse with the Avatar. She had to get out.

Tsai continued on her dash towards the docks when she slid around a corner and looking over her shoulder teeth chattering she turned and crashed into something hard. She reached for her head as she tripped over her feet and fell to the ground on her bottom. She looked up and saw a pair of angry eyes glaring daggers at her. Oh, she had crashed into somebody.

"You," the man growled dangerously.

It was that son of a bitch Zhao.

She staggered to her feet but wasn't fast enough. Zhao was fast and his meaty hand claws around her neck with a deathly grip. He had obviously taken the night of the Blue Spirit at the Pohuai Fortress a little too personally.

She coughed struggling to gasp for breath when a third party stumbled upon the scene. Zuko walked into what seemed like the worst surprise of his life. Zhao turned to look at him maliciously.

"One step and I'll make sure your pretty girlfriend has a scar to match yours." He threatened.

Zuko's jaw clenched, he gritted his back molars in anger and frustration. He saw Tsai struggling to breath coughing for breath as her face slowly turned blue. He had to do something. Anything.

"So- tell me, what was your plan? You went in and distracted me and the Blue Spirit did all the dirty work?" He chuckled as he squeezed his grip on the girl's neck. He was holding her up above her feet so that they saw eye to eye. He suddenly dropped her and she gasped and coughed for air the color returning to her face. He turned her and kept a firm grip around her as he slowly retreated out of the scene.

His terrible breath pricked at her skin as he kept his arm wrapped around her body holding her in place.

"It's going to be interesting to find out what could've happened between us that night-" He whispered that and other filth into her ear.

"You're sick!" She growled out at the older man as she struggled against his deathly grip still shivering as she was soaked to the bone.

Zuko was ready to fire. He aimed his hand twitching slightly. His heart was pounding in his rib cage. One wrong move and it was over. He only had one shot before things went South. Zhao continued advancing over a snow bridge. He was going to get away! The girl struggled, her breathing loud as it became harder and harder to breath with every step the admiral gave. It was then that her eyes met his and he saw something familiar in them.

He understood and lowered his hand. Her body was trembling from the cold. Zuko lowered his guard and it was then that he saw offensive. Two silver blades crept our from her long sleeves and in one swift fluid motion she punctured Zhao's arm and Zuko swore he saw the blade go through his hand. The man screamed in pain. She twisted her torso and managed to guide the burning flame in his other arm to the sky missing her by mere inches. She took a sharp breath and ducked with skilled training. She used all the strength in her legs to push away from him. Her body collapsing to the snowy ground. Zhao held his arm put again ready to attack. However lost his footing when she twisted kicking him off his feet smoothly. Without hesitation Zuko stepped in and blasted Zhao away in a fiery dance.

Wounded and miserable the man collapsed to the ground in the middle of the snow bridge.

Massively monstrous blue hands suddenly struck out from the water and clawed at the top surrounding the admiral in a deathly capture. Zuko and Tsai managed to roll away from the monster claws as to their horror witnessed the admiral being dragged away to a watery grave. Tsai glared with eyes narrowed. Zuko was the better person and stretched out his hand in aid. For a second it looked like Zhao was going to take it but the prideful man turned away.

And just like that he was gone. Color returned to the world and it seemed like a glance had returned to the world. Zuko stepped back and saw the red-head shivering a couple of feet away from him. Her teeth chattering. He looked at her and her at him and she couldn't believe how happy she was to see him. To see somebody from home, someone familiar.

"Zuko!" She spoke in a low voice through violent shakes. Now having her she got a good look at his face and noticed the many new scars and wounds that decorated his face. She was about to ask what had happened during her short absence.

"What-" She was left with the words in her mouth when he wrapped his arms around her hugging her in a tight embrace. He almost sighed. Relieved that she was okay. That they had found each other again.

She stood before him sharp hidden blades unsheathed, shocked, shivering, soaked to the coldest bone. It took her a moment of hesitation before hugging him back just as tightly.

"I'm so happy to see you," the words left her mouth before she could process them. She hadn't even realized that she had started to cry. She buried her face on his shoulder. He was warm. He was the piece of home she had been missing. Right now, he was comfort.

"You're freezing," he said taking her hands in his as she retracted her hidden blades. He said nothing. Simply held her icy hands in his and brought them close to his lips breathing a hot air into them slowly warming her back.

She didn't even know why she was crying at this point. She smiled at him endearingly and wiped a stray tear from her. Everything was just too much to handle right now. Way too overwhelming.

"Let's get out of here." He said to her.

She wiped her tears as they escaped the icy tundra.

xxx

They met up with Iroh and Tsai sprinted hard running into his arms hugging him tightly. He hugged her back almost like a missing child and she repeatedly apologized for leaving without saying goodbye. He simply cupped her face with a hand and told her she did the right thing.

"I feel like you're at the crossroads once again Tsai, " Iroh said wisely tucking in both of his hands inside of his sleeves. "I wonder what road you'll take." He said ominously.

She raised an eyebrow confused at his riddle and shook his head.

"Let's just go home," she sighed. "I want to go back to Yu Dao. I think I'm going to be sick." She shivered not wanting to linger in this icy Neverland for another minute.

"Very well." Iroh said understandably. The man insisted on leaving on a makeshift raft boar which the girl refused to get on endlessly. Having been lost at sea for so many dies and almost dying from starvation she refused to put herself through the whole thing again. So instead they stole a slightly larger boat. One from a Water Tribe fisherman.

"They owe me," she grumbled. "That's for throwing me in that cold pit." She said bitterly as she remembered her brief stay in the icy prison cell. She hadn't even done anything!

And so they sailed away. Iroh explained to Tsai everything that had happened. Zhao killing the moon spirit. Yue becoming the moon spirit. The attack. The Avatar becoming one with the same spirit and taking down the fire nation. It had been a loaded day. He reasoned that it was probably the best that she had spent the day in jail for her own safety.

"You're really sure about returning back home?" Iroh asked.

Tsai snapped back into the conversation feeling distraught by her friend Yue's demise into the spirit world. "Sure," She mumbled. "Why not? I don't want to keep on 'getting in the way.'" She glared at a certain scarred prince who looked like he had the worst headache of his life.

"I'm concerned as your status as a traitor to the Fire Nation," Iroh stroked his beard wisely. "But that's a problem for when we arrive back to the mainland," he smiled at her warmly.

"You shouldn't have done that!" Zuko suddenly snapped in a scolding tone. "That stunt at the Pohuai Fortress? What were you thinking!" He sounded almost worried. Tsai misses the slight smirk that is growing on Iroh's face as he looks at them from the side.

"Hey! I freed the Avatar for you! Do you should be thanking me!" She shot back. "If I hadn't done that you'd be sitting in your room right now sulking with your arms crossed over your chest angrily meditating like an idiot."

"I don't sulk!" The other shot back slightly embarrassed and reached for her arm

"Also- may I remind you that Admiral Zhao is disgusting company. Interacting with him was definitely not pleasant," she raised both of her eyebrows eyes holding a little horror in them at the awful memory. It was then that he realized that he was holding on to her lower arm. He raised it up and her sleeves rolled back which exposed her secret weapon. He scrutinized over it looking at the arm braces she wore with the hidden blade mechanism.

Zuko would've never admit it outlaid but this was way more simple than what he had expected. Mind reading, secret bending, being a blood thirsty vampire demon, and super natural powers all came to him in his theories of how Tsai had gotten in an out of the stronghold with such ease.

"I'm glad to see your grandfather's hidden blades are in good hands," Iroh commented with a knowing smile.

"You knew about this Uncle?"

Iroh simply smiled a mischievous glint on his amber eyes.

"My grandfather taught me how to fight," she admitted reaching to touch the sunstone necklace she wore. "But I refuse to unless it's necessary. You see it can be quite deadly."

"Why didn't you say anything?" Zuko asked.

"I guess I didn't want you to think I was... weird." She said looking away slightly embarrassed.

"I....think it's cool," he said sharing the same tone after a moment. "Really?" She turned to look at him beaming. This only caused his cheeks to redden even more.

Iroh chuckled.

Zuko sighed and threw his hands up in the air not wanting to further have this conversation. "I'm tired." He declared.

"Youre not going to chase the Avatar?" Iroh asked.

"No- I'm tired." he repeated as he collapsed on the ship.

"A man needs his rest. Besides, Tsai and I have some much needed catching up to do." Iroh winked in her direction and she winked back.

They certainly did.

xxxx

AN: Your lovely thoughts? Phew and that's the end of Book 1, now onto what's next. Chapter 8 and Chapter 9 were originally one really long chapter so I decided to split them into 2. Also I have the story written until chapter 26 but as I keep editing and rewriting for posting I have made so many changes and I am loving how the story is unfolding.

Much love - G

xxx

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CHAPTER MASTERLIST

[goldenpinof]

so basically here’s a script of “Basically I’m gay” by Daniel Howell, if someone needs it

link to a google doc

Hello Internet.

«Sex! Secrecy! And a whole lot of internal screaming. Starring Daniel Howell. One of the greatest mysteries of our generation. What is Dan’s sexuality?»

Spoiler alert. I’m not straight. Sex, the foundation of life and the only thing we’re really supposed to do. Everyone’s obsessed with it. You bunch of degenerates. In the list of things that identify a person, one of the most important for other people to know is their sexuality. For, if sex is the primal force propelling all of these humans forward by their hips, they have to know. Are we gonna fuck? Or like could we? Or are you, ‘cause I’m just wondering. Now, we live in a heteronormative world, which is a long scary word that makes people feel attacked for some reason. Shh it’s okay.

What it means is people are presumed to be straight. If you’re not, then at some point, you have to “come out”, which is a whole thing. Or people might just try and guess based on something you do or the way you act, because yay stereotypes. So this is something you have to be clear on, because if you’re not, how are all these other people that aren’t you going to cope? But I’m pretty sure no one that knows me thinks I’m straight. So I don’t really need to come out as much as just clarify what the hell is going on. As here I am at age 27 and my sexual preference is seemingly still a vague, debatable, confusing, impenetrable mystery. But why? And what is it? Well, those are some big questions. Are you sure you wanna know my answers?

[YES]

Okay, well, if you say so 'cause this is a complicated and sensitive issue and when it comes to me, boy, there is a lot to unpack here and it is a total clusterfuck. So strap yourselves in and let me tell you a queer little story about a boy named Dan.

Chapter 1 – The Word

♪ When I was a young boy ♪

♪ My father ♪

Didn’t have much time for me because my conception was clearly an accident and he was a narcissistic proud man suddenly inconvenienced in the prime of his life and this emotional neglect gave me lasting problems.

Sorry that’s not all relevant right now.

I was an only child for seven years and with working parents. This meant I had to make my own fun so I was imaginative  and loud which is something that my teachers used to say quite a lot followed by, “However.” Here I am age five. Look at me. Cute, poised, sassy, turning out this photo shoot like sorry, Grandma, I stunted on this set. Are you seeing this? In almost every way, I literally peaked age five. I loved being the center of attention. People said I had an infectious happiness, that my beaming smile brought them hope and joy. People that know me are laughing right now. But a boy, in the '90s being happy and generally polite acting? Sounds kinda GAY if you ask me. Literally, masculinity was so fragile, people were so proud and scared and society so aggressive that a boy smiling!?.. appearing to be empathetic or in any way emoting was seen as a threat. How dare they laugh and feel comfortable? They must be soft and weak and girly and GAY. So basically thanks, Grandma, for raising me to be a nice child, you dick. Just kidding. That’s a joke and I told you not to watch this video because it would be rude so if you send me a disappointed text telling me you’re offended, I don’t know what to tell you. Although, now I think about it, you did make me go to church for 10 years, which in hindsight probably also didn’t help ♪ Hallelujah ♪ the issue here so. But then it was time for little Dan to go to school and this is when it  

♪ All went wrong ♪

'Cause it turns out most children, evil pieces of shit. Doesn’t matter if you try to raise a happy innocent child, throw that kid into school, aka, a literal Mad Max Battle Royale with the feral offspring of your local community. Yeah, that crap’ll be undone in about two weeks. I was six years old running around the playground pretending to be Sonic the Hedgehog or something when two brothers come up to me aged seven and eight with an unexplained aggressive look in their eye. And the younger one pushes me to the ground, kicks me in the stomach, and just says, “GAY.”

This was the first time I ever heard that word. Well, I don’t know what the heck gay means but apparently it means people kick you on the floor so that ain’t good. I didn’t know this child or give them any cause to have an opinion on me. And, actually, I never directly interacted with them again. What epic clustershit of failed parenting and general culture brought this tiny child to get angry and attack someone, then call them gay for looking like they were having fun outside. Are you okay, 1990s? And so my relationship with sexuality began.

I wasn’t looking to define myself as a child indiscriminately playing doctors and nurses with various friends until once somebody’s mum walked into a room to find three fully naked children sat on a bed sticking sellotape to each other’s butts. Yep, which I don’t recommend. Also, Jesus Christ, the poor woman that saw that. Then you get to the magic age around 10 or 11 where everybody suddenly wants to pretend they’re totally a “cool teenager” who’s doing all the drugs and the sex and the fights, totally. Boy, gay was a really popular word back then.

[[Boy] Uh, homework is gay. [Girl] Uh, my mum’s so gay. [Boy] Uh, you touched a girl, gay.]

This one little shit who I won’t name was one of the school bullies and he loved the word gay. He had it in for me and I have no idea why. You know me, Mr. Winnie the Pooh Meets Slender Man. Well, when I was 10 just Winnie the Pooh. I didn’t do nothin’ to no one ever and yet this guy used my pacifism as a punching bag where any group situation was an excuse to single me out call me gay for some reason and then make everyone else exclude me because they were scared of him. I had a girlfriend. We dated for six whole weeks. We kissed in a game of spin the bottle once by literally sucking on each other’s faces. Then she ended dumping me over speakerphone at a birthday party that everyone in my class but me was invited to but, hey. I don’t know what I was doing wrong, but at this age, I understood one thing. Being gay, whatever that meant, was clearly the worst thing you could be. On a Darwinian level, I was being told, okay bitch, “Survival Code”. Don’t be this apparently. Evolution. Plot twist, this bully I think he was a bit gay because once he asked me to have a sleepover at his house and I thought was me finally getting socially accepted only for him in the middle of the night to come up and ask me, “So who’s going to be the boy and the girl?” I was an innocent smol bean who didn’t really understand what he meant because, to be honest, I didn’t actually understand get how babies were made yet. But needless to say I think he was disappointed. Wow, closeted child turns into homophobic bully. Thanks again society. But this whole primary school journey was really just an amuse-bouche for the full six-course tasting menu of suffering that would be secondary school.

I went to an all-boys school. It was a literal hellscape.  I thought it was hard making it through a school of 200 kids with two or three bullies. Try over a thousand where a clean 800 are fully psychopathic gorillas fueled by testosterone, Red Bull, and Eminem albums. Making sure that the word f- no longer means an innocent bundle of sticks or a cigarette anymore in the British lexicon. Nope, now it was a cool homophobic slur along with gay, gaylord, gayboy, puff, pufter, ponce, batty, batty boy, bum-boy, bender. Shit, this is so long. People have a lot of words for something they don’t wanna think about. Look at me in this stupid blazer. Oh, “you’ll grow into it at some point in the next four years”. Thanks, Mum. Day one, kid in form class, some stupid hedgehog-looking motherfucker side eyes me and says, “What you lookin at, puff?” First interaction at a new school. Great! My entire existence on a daily basis then becomes navigating this school like I’m in the bloody “Maze Runner” trying to avoid aggressive pricks with chode ties. And you know being verbally abused for being a nerd or a Greebo at least felt relevant to me at the time. Greebo, definitely one of my faves there and I’m sure that Korn and Slipknot would have been proud to have 12-year-old me as a fan. I kinda knew who I was in the hierarchy at that point. I was essentially a theater kid who spent all of his free time playing Runescape on the AOL browser on his mum’s PC instead of football. I accepted it. But at least I wasn’t actually this “gay thing” people kept throwing around because by now I understood a gay is a boy who fancies other boys. And to be honest I don’t really feel like I’ve ever fancied anyone before.

Then puberty happened.

Oh yeah, this is fun, tingly feelings, I smell bad. It was quite fun dribbling on this girl’s face playing Truth or Dare, maybe later we’ll go behind that bike sheds and, there I was sat in English class, my friend next to me. I watched as he delicately removes a pencil from its case. We briefly make eye contact as he flutters his long black eyelashes with a blink before staring forward. His eyes are so bright and beautiful yet they seem so sad and deep with emotion. I wish I could just understand. Oh fuck, I think I’m a bit gay. You’re telling me this whole time I actually have been the bad thing that people keep calling me? Shit!

Chapter 2 – Feelings

Oh do you hear it that faint hum, something coming from a deep, dark place too powerful to control? It’s the self-hatred. She is here and she’s only getting started. Short version, I fall hopelessly in love with a friend of mine who doesn’t feel the same way which crushes me into a million tiny pieces and years later actually it turns out he was gay the whole time. He just really specifically didn’t like me. [Double kill.] Here I am, 13, crying to evanescence alone in my bedroom feeling like there’s no point in really being alive as I’m clearly a faulty outcast person that has no place in the world. I stopped going to church with my grandma because I felt like I wasn’t really supposed to be there. Also, by this age, the whole Christianity thing didn’t really make much sense to me. And the adult services were dry AF compared to coloring in a picture of Jesus’s face at Sunday school. So other than the free tea and biscuits they gave away after the sermon, religion didn’t really have much to offer me. Damn, there was some good biscuits though. I miss that. But wait! All is not lost yet. Do you see that? A triumphant, rallying cry of guitars, stripey hoodies, and black hair dye. Emo had arrived! I swear to God, emo is one of the best things that happened to pop culture in the last 20 years. As well as inventing eyeliner and skinny jeans, a new word hit the theater, nerd, goth, band, kid corner that would change my world forever.

Bisexual. You can be normal and gay at the same time and some people think it’s cool? Well, slap a long fingerless glove on my arm and sign me up to Myspace 'cause Mum, I’m bi. It was a good term 'cause it was a catchall for anyone who felt sexually confused or curious that didn’t want to commit to something stronger which is very me. Big commitment issues. Thanks, fam. To be clear, regardless of whatever the 2006 teenagers thoughts and feelings were, being bi is valid and should not be excused away or erased by anyone. Thank you.

From this moment, I was a loud and proud raving bi to my close friends and the strangers on the internet who saw my clearly-labeled sexual preference on my Myspace page. And the emo friends I made at this time were awesome. We just used to hang and make out with each other and listen to music and drink bottles of Smirnoff Ice until we were sick on each other with no judgment. The judgment came several years later looking back at the photos that you can’t delete. So I didn’t need to tell my family or people at school anything. But the thing is with a Myspace page, anyone with an internet connection can read it. And so the rumors started spreading through my neighborhood that Dan Howell was in fact a bisexual. I had a friend in French class who one day, totally unprompted, just turned to me and said, “Hmm, yeah, I thought so. You give off a bi-vibe.” A bi-vi-, what the fuck is a bi-vibe? Great, yeah, nothing to make a 15-year-old feel self-conscious about his behavior like being told he emanates a bisexual aura. What am I supposed to do with that? Sorry that I give off mixed signals. I’m versatile. Turns out it was actually a social upgrade from being called gay all the time 'cause bisexual was a new word that only referred to sexuality so people actually had to decide how they felt about the fact I was attracted to boys. As opposed to gay which as we all understand is synonymous with bad and also implies a general threat, plague, curse/evil force that simply must be destroyed. People at school were actually almost nice to me with curiosity about it and a few of the boys that previously loved to just generically call me gay while throwing a compasses at me or something, now started to low-key flirt with me and some stuff happened. Go figure.

But then I entered the dark ages and no I’m not talking about my hair because I was never actually cool enough to commit to dying it black. As quickly as they arrived into my life, my emo friend group vanished into the night. Like the tip of an eyeliner pencil snapping or the HTML on your intricately-crafted MySpace page falling apart when the host websites of your embedded gifs die, so, too, did my social life. One had to suddenly focus on school, another moved town, two of them just fell out with each other and started hanging out with their old friends again. Well, we don’t all have back up friend groups, Lindsey! I went all in on the emos! You’re telling me I have to go back to sitting in my kitchen playing Runescape now! Thanks a lot. So for a year I literally had no friends. And this is when the bullying at school really stepped its pussy up. The things people used to say offhand to me in a corridor were now said loudly in classrooms where everybody would laugh. People used to sing songs about me being gay on the bus while my fellow nerds sat around me just stared awkwardly out of the window not wanting to get involved. People shouted things out during GCSE exams in front of the whole school and the low key pushing became punches. People used to wait for me after school just to throw things at me. Once a guy put his hand around my throat and pushed my head against a coat peg in the locker room while everyone was watching and just slapped me for five minutes. But I never reacted. I never cried or got angry or fought back 'cause then I’d be giving them what they wanted and I refused to play along. But this way of dealing with things definitely had an impact on my relationship with emotion going into life. I became a total outcast. No one wanted to come near me out of fear that they’d get targeted, too. So no one ever stood up for me. And, you know, I don’t blame them. I just resent them even to this day. No, I’m kidding, I don’t really. I do. No, I don’t. I, hmm. Teachers at the time obviously did nothing. In fact, one of them saw this happening to me and laughed 'cause you know, boys will be boys especially the gay ones that get killed by the other ones, am I right? Ah, classic lad banter. And home. See, keeping this on the topic of sexuality and not economic class, violence, addiction, and health issues, let’s just say some shit was goin’ down. I didn’t think I could ask my family for help or share my feelings about this, mainly due to my dad. Funny guy, kind of a woke hippie who did and said a lot of things I did respect but at the same time used to walk around the house saying how he hoped someone he had a problem with at work would *clears throat* “die of bum cancer.” Yep, so picked the one area to be a bigot that would further traumatize your child. Nice! This experience coming from a childhood hearing the word gay meaninglessly thrown around as an insult at home and school, in music, on TV, to then realizing I am actually kinda gay, to then very specifically being attacked for it was traumatic. The world was clearly telling me if I ever wanted to be accepted by anyone or, in my particular environment, survive, I couldn’t be gay. I was afraid of it, literally homophobic of myself. I am talking Pavlov, sunken place, North Korea-level mind alteration that made me terrified of and repulsed by this part of me. This is called internalized oppression. It’s a real thing and it’s some real shit.

Chapter 3 – Internalized Oppression

From this moment I was no longer advertising myself as bi. No, BRB deleting that Myspace real quick, xD lemme get on that Bebo. “My Chemical Romance”? No, I’m listen to what’s this, N-Dubz? Jesus Christ. I go away for the summer break and come back to school quiet and serious and fully straight. *coughs* I needed me some new friends that were a bit higher up the social ladder, you know what I’m sayin’ for security so I go ahead and join “The Inbetweeners”. Literally this group of friends, the exact middle ground between nerds and desperately wanting to be cool. And oh how desperate we were. The great thing about these friends was they knew loads of girls. So firstly, instant cool points. Secondly, if I date a girl *scoffs* super not gay. The problem with that was it’s not like everyone just forgot everything that’s been said about me and this group of friends, casually homophobic pretty much all the time and also they hung out in places near some even more aggressive and super homophobic peeps. Just full-time Runescape would have been a better in hindsight. I find myself going through the same shit at school but now voluntarily going through it at the weekends from the people that are supposed to be my friends thinking I’m doing the right thing whilst constantly telling myself I’m now totally heterosexual. So I did what many people choose to do at that point and I got a girlfriend. But this is pretty messed up because I really liked this girl. In fact, I loved her as a friend and I was genuinely attracted to her but I was so afraid of sexuality I didn’t even wanna do anything straight in case I had some weird gay panic that I was totally frigid and I led her on. And when she got pissed at me, understandably, for being a terrible boyfriend, I just felt even worse. This was someone who I liked that I was hurting and lying to but I couldn’t leave as then I’d have no armor. Beautiful irony here is having a girlfriend didn’t in any way stop the abuse 'cause remember, gay is a great all-purpose general insult. (Call someone gay today and we’ll throw in a free set of steak knives.) And when these neighborhood teens started heavy drinking and getting into drugs, things suddenly got quite scary as people joked about setting fire to a tent as I slept in it at Reading Festival. Or saying, “You know that notoriously unstable guy? Yeah, he said he’s gonna kill you next Saturday.” Awkward.

This was definitely the lowest point in my life. I just felt totally alone, confused and I deeply hated myself. I used to ask God, in case he was there, to please, just make me straight and everyone stop. But I saw no end, no escape, no way to change the world or who I was. So one evening I thought fuck it and I attempted suicide.

I say attempted, because just before it was too late I thought

“oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit what have i done what have i done fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck?”

“what will your grandma think don’t do this to her she tried her best and she loves you”

“your family aren’t total dicks and this will fuck them up can’t you just get over it surely”

“you’re gonna get to the last year of school and give up now really what was the point”

“I heard this is one of the most painful ways to die so not a great choice if I’m being blunt”

Felt kinda bad for a few days otherwise I pretended it never happened and I didn’t tell anyone, until now, literally. Hmm, I know pretty dark right, but hey spoiler things kinda worked out. I mean still gotta lot of issues but here I am. I’m so glad I failed for so many reasons, for the people in my life, for the future I would’ve wasted. The most important being that I thought I was trapped in a situation forever when in reality, the entire world I lived in and my life changed completely. I thought it was hopeless when in reality there was so much to hope for and that’s it. Time changes everything. With the lives that we have, we can try anything we’ve dreamed of. I want anyone that’s ever felt like this to realize you are never trapped. There is always hope. You just need to believe in yourself and get to the other side. So yeah school age 6 to 18, I’m gonna give that a bad Google review. The thing is I did stand out. I’ve always been a loudmouth, class clown, annoying shit. Since graduating, it turns out half the people I knew were fuckin’ gay. That group of friends I had, all lovely people now. Five of them were gay, five gays! That is statistically irregular. Oh but they flew under the radar. All I’m saying is I wish people just hated me for being annoying and immature. Leave the gays alone!

My light at the end of the tunnel was university. I was gonna get my A levels move to a new town and ghost these bitches. But I took a gap year first to earn some money which was very boring sitting at home and working at ASDA where I was not happy to help. My shift started at 5 a.m. on a Saturday. Signed up for a Twitter account to run my mouth off and then bam. “So my name is [Dan].” My YouTube story begins, a new chapter of my life to redefine. So you know what I do? Get a Formspring because nothing gives you that attention feeling like one of those anonymous question and answer websites that are inherently toxic and no one should use. And straight out of the bat bisexual Dan returns. 'Cause hey, just like Myspace, I’m only telling a few people on the internet right now. It’s not like one day I’m gonna get so many followers that random strangers and my family might see it. Wow, I had a lot fun with many different kinds of people in 2009. Let’s just say I got a lot out of my system. Got a couple of things in my system, too. Sorry.

And this is when, through the magic of the internet, I met Phil. And obviously we were more than friends but it was more than just romantic. This is someone that genuinely liked me. I trusted them. And for the first time since I was a tiny child, I actually felt safe. And the relationship we formed at that point was something that I needed in my life. We are real best friends, companions through life, like actual soulmates, not that souls are a real thing that exist. It’s so lucky to just find someone you can be that compatible with and especially to anyone that has experienced the kind of self-hatred that I have dealt with, one person accepting you can make all the difference. And I bet so many people wanna know so much more about that which, honestly, I take as a compliment. But here’s the thing. I’m somebody that wants to keep the details of my personal life private. So is Phil. I know lots of people these days, thanks to social media, want to share and monetize every aspect of their life and then as soon as something changes suddenly it’s this huge drama because everybody got invested in the story of your life like it’s a soap opera. I don’t want that. I wanna do certain things without an audience. I wanna be spontaneous. I don’t wanna feel afraid to take risks. I want to enjoy totally fucking something up and not have to post a statement about it. And if anyone thinks people really have to share these things about their life, you need to rethink your position. And look, I understand that sex is a fun and interesting thing to talk about. I get it. I am also a disgusting pervert. But the specific minutiae of who I be fuckin’, when, why, where, how long, how, uhh, I mean? Sexuality is a general fact that it can be very useful to know about a person for several reasons, but we can’t force people to disclose that either. We don’t know this person’s life story, what they’ve been through, if they haven’t told people, if they’ll lose their job, if they’re in danger. There are so many reasons someone might not be open about it. We can preach the message that being out is good, but aggressively speculating or trying to out someone is really bad. They might not be gay, in which case we’re just harassing someone and probably stereotyping. And if they are there’s gonna be a reason why they haven’t talked about it. So I don’t wanna see any responses to me finally talking about this like no one is surprised. “Dan we been knew.” Wow, you huge galaxy brain genius. What’s it like walking around with all those brain cells in there working overtime? What, you got like three in there? Don’t lose your balance, mastermind. I haven’t exactly been subtle have I? I’m an awkward, sexually ambiguous nerd. “What the fuck even is your sexuality?” That’s not the point. I’m already dead inside so it doesn’t matter here, but to me if someone’s reaction to a person coming out is just, “yeah, I knew”, they’re showing no empathy towards the issue or that person. They’re just making it about themselves like it was a fun piece of gossip they already knew. All we have to do is listen and be accepting.

So anyway back to the tale. Whilst things were looking up for Dan aged 18, things quickly got messy again. Wow, that beats the emo streak of temporary self-acceptance by like six months, nice. There was a point around 2011 where the relationship with my audience shifted from what felt like direct communication between me and individuals that just saw me as a comedy creator to communities of people that formed to talk about me when I wasn’t there. Which is fine, but for some people it was about getting generally invested in me and my real life which I thought was a bit strange 'cause inevitably like anyone who puts themself out there, some people started to really dig into my private life to find out information about me that I wasn’t ready to share. And this was around the same time that YouTubers finally started to get mainstream recognition in the British press. We had the BBC knocking at our door trying to offer Dan and Phil a radio show. From that, Dan and Phil became this entertainment duo that we could have a creative career with. And we love working together, so when all these opportunities came for Dan and Phil, we were really excited but I was also scared as people clearly knew I wasn’t straight and I hadn’t told my family that. None of my old friends knew about this, and what me and Phil had was ours and personal and yet some people were trying to get access to it for their own satisfaction. It was no longer a few people on the internet, no big deal. So I just shut down. It felt like I was back at school again, surrounded by threatening people trying to expose me for their entertainment. Most I’m sure just wanted what was best for me and I feel such genuine sadness and am sorry that I couldn’t be closer to and more truthful with the people in my life that were just trying to be nice but I wasn’t ready to deal with it at this time so I had to do something to contain it. I definitely sent some mixed messages. Some were just joking around, others were super defensive that in my panic came across like “I’m now telling everyone I’m totally straight” when all I really meant was “please fuck off and don’t invade my privacy, you creepy stalkers, thank you”. But this experience seriously triggered some PTSD in me and I was back in the dark place. I didn’t want to just disappear from the internet to escape it and throw away this creative hobby that actually started paying rent. Thanks. So I just decided to put anything to do with my sexuality in a box to come back to later as I was still processing my past and I wanted to understand my identity on my own terms and timeline and not just have it hijacked as fuel for people’s sexual fantasies or some headline in an article. And whilst we’re not exactly living in a utopia yet here on YouTube, the general internet culture only five or six years ago was a much less wholesome, progressive place as this little bubble is now. Sure, a lot of people probably would have been supportive, but there was just as much open bigotry and general toxicity 'cause people felt less accountable and it was okay to say certain things 'cause it’s just on the internet and I couldn’t handle that at the time. And, generally, I can handle a lot. I have big hands with a very wide reach for playing piano, you fucking.. get your mind out of the gutter. We can’t ask people to just put their lives on hold to address their sexuality first. If a kid dreams of being a footballer and age 18 gets signed to a club and all their dreams come true but they’re scared to come out because of the insane homophobia in that community, they shouldn’t turn it down. Yes, it’s so important to be truthful about who you are and open and proud in front of the world but it’s our society’s fault that these people are scared to say who they are. So let’s all focus on making it a welcoming place and people will come out when they are ready. So when was I ready? Well, it’s always been on my mind that I need to talk about this at some point. I couldn’t just keep going forward in my life ignoring it, not only just so I can be authentic, which is very important for general existing, but also just letting people know what kind of sexual attention I want from the world. All of it from everyone. God I’m so thirsty. And if anything motivated me, it’s the idea that I can help someone else 'cause that’s basically my whole career, isn’t it, admitting to shit that I’ve been through so you will feel better about yourselves. There we go, you’re welcome. I have a platform and a following of millions of people, many of whom I know have been through exactly what I have. And if I tell my story as painful and flip floppy and flawed as it is, I know it will mean something to someone as every time someone speaks openly about sexuality, it saves lives. I’d never met a single out gay person until I was 18. And if I had, or even just seen better representation in the media, I wouldn’t have felt so totally alone. I wouldn’t even be saying this to you now if it wasn’t for TV shows, musicians, and public figures in the last couple years reinforcing this to me. It doesn’t matter if I was living the life privately as there was still so much confusion about my feelings and fear. But things are better now, on the internet, on TV, in my real life. It’s not perfect but it feels safe enough in this space right now for me to feel confident. So thank you, sincerely, to all the brave people that came before me and to any of you that made this world seem welcoming for me. And instead of procrastinating from this by focusing on work, which was a way for me to insure my own independence and survival in case I was rejected, or just doing things for other people to take my mind off it instead of asserting my own needs, which my therapist keeps telling me is one of my biggest problems. Here I am with a fresh void of time in front of me to fuck up however I want. Now look, we all have different experiences in life. Some of us are lucky, some of us not. It just so happened that the first 18 years of my life were horrendously shit. It failed me. But we get dealt cards from the start, too. If you look at my life, I was born into this world as an able-bodied, white, cis-man in Britain which immediately gives me so much privilege in this current world and I am fully aware of how much harder making it to today could have been for me, which is why we all need to stand up for equality and social justice even if it doesn’t apply to us. No one stood up for me when it mattered the most and that almost cost me everything. So if you see a woman being harassed, a gay being threatened, someone muttering something racist, say something, do something because if you’re still or silent, the victim will just think that you are against them, too. We all have a responsibility.

This tale was just some of the stuff relating to sexuality. We all have a whole sob story if we wanna tell it but I just wanted to explain the journey of how I got to this point and overcame the obstacles that tried to block this path. And now I’ve arrived.

Chapter 4 – Labels

Okay cool story, bro, it’s answer time. What’s your answer. Whaddayalikedafuk? Here’s the thing, you want me to talk candidly about sexuality as if it’s something that I understand? I don’t know what it is, why it is. Turns out no one knows. I’ve been sitting here for years waiting for scientists to just work it out like bleep bloop. [Oh this is why and exactly how it’s different for people. There we go.] Thinking I shouldn’t run off my mouth on the internet in case my theories and opinions on varying gayness get debunked next week. Well, I waited long enough and it didn’t happen. Science, ya fucked up, you let me down. And I fully expect to have to delete this video in two weeks when you find out all the answers suddenly. Thanks a bunch. What makes someone gay or straight or all the things in between? What the ever loving fuck is gender about? This is a mess. Yet people want you to give them a word because that’s how humans communicate with words that have meanings. Which is why our disgusting species is impatient, stupid, and obsessed with labels. And this applies to everything, sexuality, gender, political identity, what obscure genre of synthwave you listen to. People just want a label that represents something they understand so they already know how to feel about you and don’t have to bother thinking. [Oh you’re a feminist well I don’t need to know anything more. Oh you’re a leftist. Oh you’re a K-pop fan but but but but.] If people just want to find a way to disagree with you or dislike you, they can refer to the label and turn off their brains. Hey, what does my label say? Huh. The issue is, especially when we start talking about the writhing mass of confusion and suffering that is sexual and gender identity, the limits of language and specific terminology become a big problem. What does being gay mean? You never thought about a boob once? What does being a man mean? You wanna be an emotionless rock rubbing raw steaks against your biceps? It’s not like humanity is all in agreement right now. I don’t like the stereotypes and drama that come with all this terminology so I’m just not gonna use it. Thing is gender identity isn’t my issue. I feel comfortable with the identity that I’ve had my whole life. Dan, a tol boy from England. But being a man means nothing to me. I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable wearing makeup or a sickening pair of heels, though I can’t even draw in a straight line so that would be a disaster. Also is anyone really comfortable wearing heels? Hmm. Icons of masculinity aren’t really a big part of my life. Might as well call me a fucking formless blob that sounds more relatable. Shout out to all my formless blobs out there, rise up. I don’t have to do anything or be anything and I personally wouldn’t feel offended if I wasn’t referred to as a he. Well, she’s feeling hungry today. Stop fucking judging me, Susan. I’m sad and I’m gonna eat this whole damn cake whether you like it or not. But anyone that has this don’t really care attitude about their gender identity is in a way privileged 'cause some people, especially trans, care a lot about their gender identity and using the correct pronouns which other people should respect. Likewise with sexuality, whilst to me the endlessly increasing list of tribes and flags being flown is a bit daunting and confusing and personally stresses me out 'cause I almost find it constrictive, some people like it. Because if you’re feelings are confusing and then you look at a word that represents something and go, “wow, that me”, it can help you realize you’re valid and find a community and that’s great. There is so much controversy around this issue and others but if we all just calm down, respect each other’s experiences and try to just be nice, reasonable people, which is a lot to ask, let’s be real, it’s quite simple. If you wanna use language to express your honest feelings and identity, that’s great and other people should respect what you say. Likewise, if you hate labels and you just wanna be a formless blob, that’s fine, too. No one should force you. The only thing that isn’t cool is telling other people what they should or should not identify as 'cause that ain’t your problem or your business, bye. This was one of the things that held me back from talking about this for years. Shit’s confusing, man. Let’s just go back to cellular reproduction by mitosis so I don’t really have to be specific. Two people that I really look up to and respect, Harry Styles and Janelle Monae, both famously say that they don’t feel the need to label it which, to be honest, is how I feel and is perfectly okay. But I get it, for me, you want a word. Oh, that’s hard, though. I’m an annoying guy. I feel uncertain specifying my sexuality in the same way I wouldn’t say I am an atheist. Who the fuck am I to say whether God does or doesn’t exist? I don’t know shit 'bout shit and neither does anyone else. I mean I think it’s unlikely in the same way I know I like DICK. But I’m not gonna pretend to have a definite answer here. Looking at my public statements is inconsistent and confusing. Looking at my personal track record through life is super confusing. And looking at the void inside my soul threatening to crush the entire universe with the force of its event horizon of misery and melodrama, well, fuck let’s close that shit up. One thing’s for sure whatever heterosexual is, I ain’t it. Really if you ask me, I don’t think anyone’s totally straight. I think there’s a lot of social and emotional issues getting in the way of yet to be understood feelings of attraction that can be very flexible. And trust me, I’ve known a lot of straight guys until a couple of drinks, some deep conversation, and lingering eye contact, and suddenly they just start leaning in. What does that make them? And am I totally gay? No. Am I slightly more gay or is it just easier for gays to hook up with each other because of societal norms. It’s not like the signs for male and female bathrooms are what I’m attracted to. I don’t care what flesh organ you have between your legs, what your hair’s like, if you’re covered in it or a fuckin’ beluga whale. I’m gonna be honest, I’m not picky. I’m easy. So am I bi or pan or poly? Well, now we’re just in a clusterfuck of defining language and I’m confused and sad and horny. This is why I personally love the word queer. I understand that some people don’t as it is a slur but as someone that’s been the target of it several times throughout my life I’m up for some reclamation. It’s like recycling. The definition makes sense because until society is equal with all sexual and gender identifies, it is literally strange from a conventional viewpoint plus it’s better than a super long acronym, it’s inclusive of everyone and therefore great for formless blobs. There we go, an identity I feel comfortable with. A highly-strung, depressed queer praying for a giant meteor to hurry up and finally eradicate humanity. LMAO, yeet!

But to come full circle, I know that even today, deep in my heart the word gay scares me because that’s how I’ve been conditioned my whole life. So, you know what? Fuck the literal definition and the scientific definition and what everyone thinks. I finally have to just confront and accept this.

I’m gay.

Oh look, didn’t spontaneously fucking combust. Well, there we go, that was a lot of stress about nothing, wasn’t it? Bloody hell. So yup, I’m here, I’m queer, and don’t worry I’m still filled with existential fear.

WE’RE HERE, WE’RE QUEER WE’RE FILLED WITH EXISTENTIAL FEAR.

Chapter 5 – Fear

Even though I’m at this current place, there is still so much I’m afraid of and this has taken months to make because of that. Telling my family was a big fear. I have problems connecting with them emotionally because reasons. So I only came out to them this month and if it didn’t go well, as I’m now the independent adult that I fought so hard to be, I was ready to cut them off like the bottom of a sweater turning into a seasonal crop. But I didn’t have to, love you. I didn’t think they’d reject me these days but coming out is still a surprise. It changes things. And I’m a pretty awkward person generally but the idea of just dropping this in conversation in front of them all terrified me. And I tried several times this year to do it but I just couldn’t. So you know how I finally came out to my family? E-mail. Yep, I literally just sent them an e-mail saying and I quote,

“Hello gang. I’ve been meaning to talk to you all for a while, something quite important that should be disclosed at some point. I thought I would around Christmas, then Mum’s birthday, then last Easter Sunday, etc., but every time I meant to, I either felt like I would ruin the mood of the day or I just felt awkward and didn’t want to. So I decided just to email you all instead which is really inappropriate and just weird but that somehow seems appropriate for me and at least I’ll just finally say it.

Basically I’m gay.”

Yup. It was just getting ridiculous so I thought screw it and hey, it worked. Turns out my remaining family, pretty chill bunch of people. Even my Christian grandma said this,

“We love you for being you. It must be a great relief to finally acknowledge who you are. Popsie and I just want you to be happy. People are born as they are and have no say in it. I hope that now you will feel free to live your life as you want with no pretense.”

Aw.

“Don’t forget the iPad.”

Yes, I said I’d give her my old iPad. She mainly cares about that I thing. Wasn’t so sure when I was 17 but it went well now and I know that makes me lucky but, hey, it shows that times change. As for the other people in my life, obviously all the friends I have now are cool. If anyone in my life I’ve ever known isn’t cool with it then I don’t care. And sure here online there might be a few incredibly lost bigots following me or just some classic trolls who I think should get fucked. No, like literally, I think you should try it. You’ll probably enjoy it and you might learn something about yourself. Inevitably some of you watching this might have a weird reaction if you just feel like it was a shock or you feel hurt that I kept it from you. But I feel like I explained myself reasonably here and going forward I can’t have any space for that, sorry. I’ve come to terms with who I am and now you have to, too, ha. Funnily enough straight up homophobia is probably the one thing I’m not that afraid of, because I just don’t agree so it doesn’t hold much emotional power over me but you bet I’m opening myself up to all new kinds of in real life and international discrimination now which is fun. But one of the other big fears holding me back was, honestly, that I wouldn’t be accepted by the community. I know that it’s a big pride flag covering a lot of ground and even the idea of it and certainly most of it is amazing. But there is a lot of drama within it right now especially on the internet. You’ve got Grindr gays arguing about how manly gays should be, bi’s getting ignored, trans people, especially of color, not being historically appreciated, acephobia, fucking SWERFs and TERFs. No thank you. So even though they are my people, I know some of them will have problems with something. And even then, just seeing such a loud and proud, strong and opinionated group of people celebrating something just intimidates a smol introvert such as myself. And in my mind if these people don’t accept me because I’m not being definitive enough or I took too long then I almost feel like I’ll be alone all over again, and this is a fear that a lot of people have honestly. But I’m a nice guy and I’m trying my best so you better be welcoming, you bunch of fuckin’ queers. And obviously with the topic of sexuality, it doesn’t matter where we are or how far you think we’ve come, by merely mentioning it, I will be opening up a primordial box of bullshit which will include every single stupid argument and question since the dawn of time. [It’s not natural.] There’s gay animals. [Adam and Steve.] That’s based on a story and the protagonist that arrives later probably doesn’t agree with you. [Why can’t we have straight pride?] I could spend 10 hours on all the classic crap and people would still be asking the same things. This being posted on the internet, my hopes are so incredibly low, lower than my self-esteem.  Wow, that is unhealthy. I need to stop doing that. This video is about internalized oppression and the problems of language. I’m not here to pontificate on every topic tangentially related to the entire concept of gayness. *ASMR voice*: Pontificate on every topic tangentially related to the concept of gayness.  

There’s other humans and all the time in the world left for that. The time in the world coincidentally being not much longer. Climate change LMAO. But I had to tell my story so people would understand me and these things. Why coming out is still a big deal because queer people are often invisible and suffering until they have to do it. Some people grow up in supportive environments and it’s a positive experience. But more likely, especially around the world outside of the big cities, it isn’t. This is not a fight that is anywhere near over. Even in Britain today people are debating whether children should be taught to be accepting of sexual and gender identity in school.

Queer people exist. Choosing not to accept them is not an option.

To anyone watching this that isn’t out, it’s okay. You’re okay. You were born this way, it’s right, and anyone that has a problem with it is wrong. Based on your circumstance, you might not feel ready to tell people yet or that it’s safe and that’s fine, too. Just know that living your truth, with pride, is the way to be happy. You are valid. It gets so much better. And the future is clear. It’s pretty queer.

So there we go. Now I can proceed authentically in my life with full disclosure. Cute mutuals know to slide into the DMs. And you can all fuck off and leave me alone.

Bye.

[wonderlandleighleigh]

TimKon or anything from the Tuna Melt-verse, which is fantastic, by the way.

Thank you!!! Here’s some unfinished Tuna Melt Fic. Maybe one day it’ll get done. It’s called “His Day in Court.” The Joker origin referenced is lifted from Batman: Streets of Gotham.

“Mister President.” 

Bartlet looks up from his desk and grins, before getting to his feet slowly. “Judge Walters.” 

As they shake hands, Jed marvels, not for the first time, at just how tall, and just how green Jennifer Walters is. She’s a beautiful woman. 

She’s just…

Well, she’s She-Hulk.

Well, she used to be She-Hulk.

Now she’s a United States federal judge.

Like Mendoza, getting Jenn appointed as a federal judge had been a nightmare. She’s green, she’s huge.

She’s hardcore leftwing.

“Please, have a seat,” he offers, gesturing towards the couches and chairs. 

Jenn nods, and does, settling into one of the chairs carefully,  always hyper-aware of her own body and its impact on the world around her. 

“I assume you know why I’ve asked you here,” he says, settling onto the couch next to her, clasping his hands in his lap. 

“I have a pretty good idea,” Jenn smirks, leaning back a little. “The Joker case?” 

Bartlet nods. “The Joker case. The prosecution is putting everything together, and I’ve been informed you’ve been chosen to preside.” 

Jenn doesn’t say anything for a long moment, watching the president carefully before speaking up. “Permission to speak my mind?” 

“Of course.” 

“This whole trial is bullshit,” she says. 

“It’s the law.” 

“It’s bull. Look, I believe in our justice system when it works the way it’s supposed to, but jesus, this isn’t a case of innocent until proven guilty, this is a case of the defendant boasting in a public forum about the very fact that he is guilty. He’s killed thousands of people. He’s maimed and mentally and emotionally scarred more. Why put the survivors and the families of the dead through this? And how the hell are we supposed to choose a grand jury? An enormous percentage of people in this country, and just about everybody on the East Coast has been affected, in some way, shape or form by the Joker.” 

“So you think we throw United States law out the window and just kill him?” Jed asks, lifting his eyebrows. “You don’t think that might look bad to the rest of the country? That they’ll start pointing fingers at whoever the hell, and asking why those people haven’t been offed too?” 

“I think the Joker is different,” Jenn says. “I think he’s this country’s modern day boogieman, and I don’t think he deserves a traditional trial. And anyways, it’s not out of the question that the Joker could die...other ways.” 

“Jennifer.” 

“Don’t you have the Red Hood on speed dial?” she asks, lifting an eyebrow. “Didn’t I hear that somewhere?” 

“Like that kid hasn’t been through enough,” Jed grumbles. “The last time somebody tried to take out the Joker because they thought it was the right thing, it ended in an office full of dead FBI agents and an attack on this White House. We do this the right way.” 

“The right way would have been lethal injection at Arkham twenty years ago,” she tells him. “Everything beyond that is just us cleaning up decades-old messes.”  

“Jennifer, are you saying we should find a different judge to preside over this case?” Jed asks, looking at her seriously. “Because what you’re telling me is that you cannot possibly be fair-” 

“I’m telling you there is no fair,” she interrupts him. “Mister President, the Joker has eschewed legal council. He’s defending himself, which means he will run around my courtroom like the damn lunatic he is before he gets bored and attempts to massacre everyone in it.” 

Bartlet closes his eyes and takes a breath before opening them again. “Jenn, all we can do is prepare for the worst. But we don’t have any other choice.” 

***** 

“It starts tomorrow, you know.” 

“Hm?” 

“The Joker trial,” Danny clarifies. 

Maggie nods as she steps past him and back into her cube. “And you’re pissed.” 

“A little.” 

“Because you’re not the one writing about it,” Maggie goes on. “Because there’s no way to be impartial when you thought he was gonna kill you.” 

“There’s not an impartial journalist in the world when it comes to this maniac,” Danny points out.

Maggie sits and looks up at him. “You can still go to the trial you know. Take a few days off. Head up to New York. You could even write an independent piece and farm it out to the Atlantic or whatever.” 

Danny shakes his head. “Not worth feeling that angry. How are you doing with all of this?” 

“I...have to be fine,” she says, blowing out a breath. “So I’m fine.” 

 “What are you working on? Anything good?” 

“Well…” 

He frowns, tilting his head. “What?” 

“I...it’s just...how does somebody like the Joker, become the Joker?” Maggie asks. “What drives a person so far over off the deep end that they become...that?” 

“Does it matter?” 

“Doesn’t it?” 

“So you’re looking into who the Joker really is,” Danny surmises. 

“I have some leads,” she admits. “The problem is that he’s killed so many people, it’s hard to figure out what was personal and what was just...his version of a good time.” 

“But you’ve got a hunch.” 

Maggie nods, looking troubled. “I have a hunch.” 

“Well?” 

She blows out a breath. “About five years ago, Joker cornered an aging Mob Boss named Guzzo.” 

“That guy was no joke,” Danny comments, pulling up a chair and taking a seat. “My mentor did a write-up about him back in the day. The stuff he did was almost as bad as the Joker. This was a few years ago, right?” 

“Right. So...Joker corners him on amusement mile and sics a pack of hungry hyenas on the guy,” Maggie says. “All that’s left are a few teeth, which is how they identified him. What’s confusing is that if you look at the interviews done of the for-hire goons back then, Joker and Guzzo didn’t know each other. And if you look at the way the city was split up before Guzzo died, Joker’s usual territory was as far away from Guzzo’s as he could get.” 

“Like he might have been avoiding the guy.” 

“Maybe…” 

“You think there’s a connection?” Danny asks. “Joker kills Guzzo for revenge?”  

“I think Guzzo hurt a lot of people over multiple decades,” Maggie tells him. “What if one of the people he hurt was Joker, before he was Joker?” 

“So you think Joker’s got a sob story.” 

“I think he was once something resembling a person,” Maggie corrects him. “And if you wanna take down a monster, you show the world its weak spots.” 

***** 

“Maybe you should come home for a few days.” 

Jason closes his eyes as he listens to his older brother over the phone. 

“All anybody is gonna be talking about down there is the trial,” Dick goes on. “Or hey! We could take a roadtrip! Load up the car with snacks and sodas and get outta town for a while.” 

“Dick.” 

“I don’t want you to be alone,” Dick admits. 

“I’m not.” 

“Fine. I don’t want you to be so far away from me that I can’t be there for you,” Dick adds. “And neither does Bruce.” 

“Is he testifying?” Jason asks. 

“Yeah,” Dicik confirms. “He’s showing up in full bat-gear and he’s testifying.” 

“That’s nuts,” Jason points out. “This whole -” 

“I know.” 

“Fucking - why can’t I just kill him?” 

“Because it won’t help you,” Dick says sadly. “Little Wing, just because the monster is gone, doesn’t mean the nightmare never happened.” 

Jason goes quiet. “I wanna go to the trial.” 

“Jay-” 

“I wanna go. At least to the first one.” 

Dick sighs sadly. “The last thing I want is for this to be the thing that breaks you. You’ve been doing so well...the job, and the girlfriend...you looked so happy at that wedding we all went to. What if going to that trial just sets you back.” 

“What if he hurts somebody?” Jason asks. “What if he takes down an entire courthouse full of people?” 

“Then it won’t be your fault,” Dick says gently. 

“One of us should be there every day of that trial,” Jason argues. 

“Maybe. But it shouldn’t be you.” 

“The hell it shouldn’t!” 

“Jay,” Dick says firmly, but worriedly. “Look, with what he did to Babs...I have a good excuse to be at the trial every day. I’ll go. I promise. But you need to stay home.” 

“You don’t get to-” 

“Jay.” 

Jason goes silent, and Dick can hear deep, heavy breaths. 

“I’ll be there every day,” he says. “I promise you, Little Wing. I’ll go every day. Whatever happens, I’ll be there to help stop it.” 

***** 

“You’ve reached the office of Jason Todd, Wayne Technologies Liaison to the White House. I will be out of the office until the end of the month. You can reach my fill-in, Luke Fox at the following number…” 

***** 

“He took the entire month off?” Leo asks, staring at Luke Fox, utterly bewildered. 

“He did,” Luke nods. 

“To do what?” Leo snaps. 

“Not go crazy,” Luke says simply. “This Joker thing has him fifty shades of fucked up, Leo.” 

“The DoD hate you more than they hate him,” Leo points out, relaxing a little. 

Luke chuckles and shrugs. “I know it freaks those old farts  out to have to deal with a black man who is younger, smarter and more attractive. That’s what makes it fun for me.” 

Leo sighs but grins wryly. “It’s gonna be a helluva month.” 

“Oh it definitely is,” Luke smirks back. “You want lunch? My treat?” 

"It’s hard to say no to that.” 

[mst3kproject]

Kingdom of the Spiders

Yep, this is the one with William Shatner in it.  It was directed by John ‘you really undermine your authority when you put Bud in the middle of your name’ Cardos, who did the same job for The Day Time Ended and Outlaw.  It’s also available on Rifftrax, so I think we’re fully qualified for EtNW status… but if you need one more returning star, we have of course the much-maligned Mexican Red-Knee Tarantula.

The Shatmeister is Dr. Robert Hansen, the vet in these here parts. He’s not sure what caused Mr. Colby’s prize calf to suddenly fall sick and die, so he summons help that arrives in the form of Dr. Diane Ashley, an expert on venomous animals.  She quickly determines that the area is being invaded by huge, pissed-off tarantulas!  The over-use of pesticides has forced the spiders to evolve, and they’ve become social hunters with a more concentrated and deadly venom.  In large numbers they’re capable of taking down cattle, dogs… and maybe even humans.  The soundtrack consists of terrible country songs, all of them by the same guy you’ve never heard of.

As 70’s Nature’s Revenge movies go, Kingdom of the Spiders is… adequate.  It’s not remarkably bad, but there’s nothing particularly creative or interesting in it, either.  The direction is nondescript – none of the shots are visually striking, but anything artsy would be out-of-place in a film that’s intended to look as down-to-earth as the farmers and cowboys that populate it.  There’s a county fair that stands in for the Fourth of July Weekend from Jaws, and a ‘spider hill’ that serves as the Smaller Shark, but both of them are mentioned and then just kind of go away, rather than fulfilling any role in the plot.  They’re there for the same reason as the love triangle, because movies are supposed to have those.

The love triangle is what’ll make you hate Shatner’s character. Dr. Hansen seems dedicated to his work and he’s kind to his neighbours, but he’s an absolute ass to women. He seems to have a thing going on with his dead brother’s widow, Terri, which is very Claudius of him, but he rejects her almost violently when she accidentally calls him by her husband’s name. In one scene he teases that he might marry her himself, and then a day later he’s bringing Diane by to introduce her, which results in Terri fleeing to the kitchen to cry.  The impression we get is that he can read her signals, he just doesn’t give a shit.

He’s a jerk to Diane, too.  He asks her on a date moments after saying he has to go see ‘his girl’ that afternoon.  It turns out he’s referring to his four-year-old niece, but he didn’t clarify that until after he asked Diane out, which can only mean he deliberately led her to think he wants to cheat on somebody with her.  Later when he wants her attention, he runs her off the road and basically kidnaps her for dinner with him, and then he drives her car after she’s angrily told him not to.  He teases her about her feminism and makes her open beers for him… and of course this is supposed to be Twu Wuv.

Like a lot of useless love triangles in a lot of useless movies, this one is resolved when the third party dies.  Shatner therefore doesn’t have to choose – if Terri had lived and he’d chosen Diane instead, she might have decided to reduce Hansen’s time with her daughter Linda, whom he clearly adores.  With Terri dead, he gets Diane and the child all to himself.  Terri was nothing but an inconvenience, and is summarily disposed of.

I did like Diane, though.  She comes across as kind of a snotty bitch when we first meet her, but she warms up fast.  My favourite part of the movie is when she sees a gigantic tarantula crawling out of a drawer at her hotel room, and she immediately picks it up, pets it, and tells it it’s pretty!  How could I not like this lady?  Apparently actress Tiffany Bolling got the role mostly because she was willing to do that while their first choice, Barbara Hale (of The Giant Spider Invasion) was not. She deserved way better than to be William Shatner’s love interest.

The unfortunate thing about this sequence is it, and a couple more in which Diane happily handles the spiders without harm, rather undercuts the idea that they’re supposed to be aggressively seeking out human prey.  There are other scenes in which we watch humans run around madly, screaming and flailing, while the spiders merely sit there not doing very much.  Worst of all are two separate sequences in which a fatal accident seems to result not from spiders attacking people, but from people freaking out because a spider was in a vehicle!  It makes the whole movie feel like an over-reaction.

I do realize this may be my personal reaction, rather than the average one… somebody who’s actually scared of spiders might find this completely horrifying.  But… you know spiders move at like one mile an hour, right?  The Creeping Terror could catch them.  Just go get in your car, and drive away.  It would have worked for the sheriff if the crowd hadn’t slowed him down!

Moving along – the characters of the Colbys, a farming couple who’ve poured everything they have into their herd of cattle only to see their livelihood destroyed, are people we can pity but we know better than to get attached to them.  The opening scene is Mr. Colby bragging about how his calf is a shoe-in for first prize, and you know right away that he’s destined to lose everything.  The series of tragedies that ensue for the couple are all similarly telegraphed.

At the end we see a terrible matte painting depicting the entire town draped in spiderwebs.  This looks so bad it’s actually difficult to figure out what we’re seeing, and I’m not at all sure what it’s meant to tell us.  Diane had talked about the spiders ‘migrating’, implying that they’re just passing through.  So are we meant to think that now they’ve killed everyone else, the spiders have moved on and our so-called heroes can escape?  Because there are no actual spiders in the image, just their webs.  On the other hand, Diane also talked about spiders storing their food by wrapping it in webs.  So are they gonna come back to eat everybody later?  But it’s just a spiderweb… the humans can rip it apart and go.  Did the characters win, or lose?  Are they going to live or die?  The movie just runs out of ideas and ends.

This is a bit of a shame, because the core idea here is kind of neat.  The spiders have become monsters not because chemicals or radiation has mutated them, but because evolution did.  Diane explains that over-use of pesticides has done two things: one is to create DDT-resistant spiders in the same way as misuse of antibiotics creates drug-resistant bacteria.  The ones that can tough it out survive and produce similarly tough offspring.  Second, the pesticides have killed off the spiders’ usual prey, forcing them to turn to alternative sources of food.  Spiders with more potent venom are better able to kill large prey – as are those that work together.

I actually like this better than the idea of monsters made by pollution.  The toxic monster genre can’t really be about nature striking back because the creatures in it are truly un-natural.  When it is evolution that makes monsters, that is nature demonstrating that it is more powerful than we are.  It’s also more realistic, I guess, though only in a movie-science-y kind of way.  It’s not very plausible that the spiders could evolve so fast – the major changes in their behaviour would probably take many, many thousands of generations – but at least we know that evolution is a thing that happens, whereas exposure to radiation or toxic chemicals just kills stuff.  Too bad the concept seems to make for terrible movies.

Unfortunately, if the movie’s point is supposed to be that nature is tougher than us, the vague ending kind of undercuts it.  As I mentioned, we don’t really know if the protagonists are going to live to see another day.  Diane says that if insects turned on humanity we wouldn’t last long, but at the end the main characters are still alive.  There are movies in which an open ending is perfectly appropriate, but in this one it just feels incomplete.  If I were writing this, I would have the humans escape to another town or city, onto to find that the spiders have gotten there first.  That would be a little cliché, but it would make the point that while minor victories are possible, in the end the battle of man versus nature can only have one winner.

Kingdom of the Spiders is fairly well-known as a ‘bad movie’, and I expected I would either love it or hate it, but in the end I did neither.  I dislike Shatner’s characters rather strongly, but I’ve seen worse, and he’s not as stilted here as he is in some of his work.  The rest of them are okay.  The music sucks but it’s pretty forgettable, as opposed to things like The Sad Mushroom Ukelele Anthem that crawl inside your ear and nest there like a botfly larva (if you don’t know what that is, do not google it, I refuse to take responsibility for what you’ll learn).  I think a big part of the problem for both this and other spider movies like Tarantulas: the Deadly Cargo and Arachnophobia is just that live spiders don’t make good actors.  You can’t direct them.  It’s really hard to take something seriously as a threat when it’s just kinda wandering around.

Speaking of Arachnophobia, apparently producer Igo Kantor believed it was a deliberate ripoff of Kingdom of the Spiders.  He didn’t do anything about it because, and I quote, “you don’t go and sue Spielberg.” That’s a good enough excuse, I suppose, but I bet he and the makers of Parts: the Clonus Horror would have a lot to commiserate about.

[enchantedsugden]

crystal clear on a starlit night

ao3 link

after their fight and lots of thinking, aaron goes to find robert.

or, aaron doesn't beat up kasim that night in january.

----------------------------------------------------------------

He hears the shouting, recognizes Finn’s voice. He feels angry and lost and then he’s thinking about what Finn told him- how Kasim’s dad doesn’t accept the fact his son’s gay- and it makes him even angrier. He’s about to get up and march over to where the voices are coming from when he stops himself. He thinks about why he is angry, he thinks about this morning when he was so happy- Robert calling him bridezilla, picking up their suits, being excited about getting married.

He’s hardly seen Robert today, only this morning when things were still good and then again later when everything started falling apart.

He looks around, watching his breath in the cold air and listening to the still shouting voices. He doesn’t want to drink anymore, the alcohol still burning his throat. Vic’s left him and he thinks about what she said-

“You could always accept him for who he is.”

Vic’s right, he doesn’t want Mr. average- all he wants is Robert. But he can’t believe Robert wants him, he just can’t and that’s the problem. Not when the older man could have anyone he wanted-when Rebecca is right there. He believes Robert- he knows he was only at Home Farm for a meeting, he believes Robert thinks he wants Aaron- he believes-

He sighs- knows that if anything, he is pushing Robert exactly to where he’s already at in Aaron’s head.

There are tears on his face and he wipes them away, his fingers numb from the cold. He looks at the ring, thinks about Robert’s ring in the back room of the pub. Robert risked his life for those rings.

Is Robert still at the pub? Where else would he go, Vic’s?

“You could always accept him for who he is.”

“You could always accept him for who he is.”

It won’t stop echoing in Aaron’s head.

“I don’t know who he is Vic, that’s the problem.” But he does know doesn’t he? He knows Robert. He knows Robert is not Mr. average, that he is a flirt, that he is somebody who attracts attention- he knows all that. He once told Robert he thinks he is the only one who truly knows him, more than two years ago- and it’s even more true now. He knows him better than Vic does- because he knows about-

He gulps. His head feels woozy from the drink but there is also a sense of clarity there when he really thinks about what he’s said to Robert.

Yes, his fiancé might not be completely comfortable with liking men yet but he knows all about that doesn’t he? Aaron thinks about how not being entirely comfortable about something and not accepting it, are two different things. Robert accepts that part of himself, he does and Aaron knows that. They are together, live together, they are about to get married. Robert has proven his love for Aaron over and over again.

Aaron knows him best out of everybody because he knows about Jack- he knows.

“I want to be myself now, with you.”

God, Aaron feels sick.

Aaron doesn’t understand it- he doesn’t. He likes men and that is that. But Robert, Robert likes both and he told Aaron. And he got to tell Aaron that on his own terms in his own time, well sort of anyway.

What Robert shouted at Aaron back at Home Farm wasn’t right and Aaron knows that- he also knows that it comes from something buried deep within Robert, something that he’s only just started to sort though. But even though Aaron doesn’t quite get it- he knows that what he’s shouted at Robert isn’t right either.

 “If we hadn’t been through this a thousand times.”

“I can’t make you happy mate, I mean literally I can’t do it.”

 This sick feeling doesn’t die down, it just gets worse.

Even though he is upset, angry and drunk- he knows he’s hurt Robert too, just like Robert has hurt him.

Robert told him something months ago, something so important and personal. Something that was buried deep beneath the surface and Aaron had just dismissed all of that in one day, or multiple days really- his jealousy having reared its ugly head in the past month. He can’t really think of another reason for this other than fear. Fear of losing Robert. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of Robert realising he can have anyone he wants.

Not for the first time that evening Aaron realises that his reaction to these fears will most likely be the cause of these fears coming true- if he carries on like this.

“You’re scared of being happy.”

Maybe just maybe Robert wasn’t wrong when he said that.

“If we hadn’t been through this a thousand times.” Aaron remembers the way Robert’s voice broke at this. His heart aches.

He wants to curl up in a ball and forget the world for a bit but that isn’t going to help anyone. He wants Robert, more than anything. And he has him- he knows that. They just need to sort stuff out, get the basics right. Aaron does trust Robert but his brain lets him think he shouldn’t. Because he can’t imagine that anyone would want him, let alone someone like Robert.

They need to sort stuff out. Maybe they need to go through it all just one more time.

He touches his face- also numb from the cold and feels how his tears have dried up, making his skin feel tight.

He needs to find Robert.

  “Vic, where is he? Is he at yours?”

Aaron ignores the way Kerry is staring at him.

“What?” Vic says, looking him up and down clearly concerned.

“I thought he might still be here, but he’s not. He isn’t upstairs either.”

“Yeah uh-“ she hesitates before reaching into her pocket and handing him over her keys. “You’re not going to fight again are ya?”

“No I just want to talk to him. We need to talk.” She nods and Aaron takes her keys.

“I know you’re upset and I know he shouldn’t have lied but Aaron- he seemed really upset, defeated almost.” Aaron feels his heart sink even though it’s not news to him. He had seen it himself. Maybe that was what had shocked him the most. His usual determined, optimistic, strong fiancé giving up, accepting defeat.

 “What’s the point”

“There isn’t one.”

 There is and Aaron is going to show him. He’s not giving up on them, he can’t. Not after everything they have been through, not after all those months of Robert being there for him, waiting for him. Not after Robert proving his commitment and love for him.

“Thanks Vic- honest” Aaron says realising how much he loves and appreciates her. It can’t be easy for her to deal with idiots like him and Robert. The way she is able to be there for the both of them without picking a side, it’s admirable.

 He runs to the backroom, grabs Robert’s ring and heads out.

   Keepers Cottage is in total darkness as Aaron slips inside and heads upstairs almost straight away. He glances at Victoria’s couch but he can’t make out a figure so he supposes Robert has gone to his old room. The room where he shouldn’t have to be anymore. He knocks and waits a second before he opens the door.

“Rob? It’s me.” His voice is just above a whisper as he takes in the room, it’s also in total darkness but he can clearly see a figure laying on the bed, a bag next to it.

“Aaron?” Robert says and Aaron nods before realising he should probably turn on the lights.

“Left” Robert says clearly getting what Aaron’s looking for.

Robert blinks against the light and Aaron takes him in. He looks small and when Robert stares back at him he can see that Robert’s eyes are red. Aaron’s heart lurches.

“What are you doing here Aaron?”

“I came to talk to you- I think we need to don’t you?”

Robert looks doubtful but gives him a vague nod.

“Talk- no yelling” Aaron adds.

He looks at the bag on Robert’s bed and feels the older man watching him.

“I didn’t want to leave- I don’t want to leave, or take my ring off. I just didn’t know what else to do anymore.”

“I know” Aaron finally moves from his spot and goes to sit on the bed. Robert manoeuvres a bit so that they are sitting next to each other, not quite touching but they’re close enough.

“I’m sorry” they both say it and look at each other in confusion before they’re grinning, it breaks the tension and Aaron grabs Robert’s hand.

He can’t look at Robert so he just stares at his hand, strokes a thumb over his knuckles and starts talking.

“Robert I don’t ever want you to feel like I don’t accept you. And I know that that is exactly what I’ve done. I know you- I really know you and I just want you. I don’t want us to break up, I want us to get married and be happy.”

“You don’t trust me.”

“I know it doesn’t seem that way but I do. It’s just hard to believe you want me and yeah that makes me do things that will push ya away in a way that almost makes me able to justify all these thoughts. But it’s my brain- telling me that this can’t be real. That I can’t be enough for ya.”

Robert gulps, hesitating “what about- counselling?”

Aaron nods and sees relief flash across Robert’s face, he squeezes his hand. He’s not mad at Robert for bringing it up, knows it will help.

“I am thinking of going again yeah. Because we deserve to be happy don’t we? After everything.”

Robert nods, thinking of what Vic said. “After everything- we can’t just give up. I am sorry that I nearly did. I didn’t mean to it was just the only thing I could think of.”

“Because I pushed you away.”

“I want you, just you, only you.”

“I know that- and one day I will fully believe that, and I am going to work towards that yeah?”

“I will do it with you- if you want me to, whatever you need Aaron.”

Tears are pooling in Aaron’s eyes. He loves Robert, so much. His fiancé once again proving his love for him.

“Robert?”

“Yeah?”

“I am so sorry for the things I said. It makes me feel sick thinking that I made you feel- unaccepted, after everything you’ve told me.”

Robert looks alarmed and Aaron clarifies “about you being bisexual. I can’t say I understand it completely but I know I shouldn’t have said the things I did. I know everyone can cheat. I do think all of that paranoia comes from the fact that I just can’t believe you’re with me but I know I made it about your sexuality and that was wrong. I accept you and love you for who you are. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” His voice breaks and he’s not sure what’s making him this upset, it’s probably a combination of things. He’s tired, still drunk and he knows he’s hurt Robert.

“I- it’s okay.” Robert says, clearly lost for words.

“It’s not. It’s really not.”

“I know things would be easier if I was like you but-“

“No” Aaron’s horrified and this sick feeling is back in full force.

“Please don’t say that- don’t ever say that. This is on me Robert. You are you and I love you ok? You’re more than good enough.” It’s hard to explain, Aaron feeling the things he does because he doesn’t feel like he’s good enough but Robert, Robert is good enough. Aaron knows that wholeheartedly.

Robert nods, bewildered.

Aaron wipes at his face and tries not to think about Jack and what he did to Robert, how he made him feel. “Do you forgive me?”

“For what?”

Aaron would probably laugh if it wasn’t all so devastating.

“For what I said.”

“Of course I do.”

Aaron nods and after a few seconds of silence Robert starts to shift, looking uncomfortable and Aaron knows there’s something he wants to say.

“Go on.” They are still holding hands and Aaron squeezes his fiancé’s once again.

“I am always going to find other people attractive- men and women, I can’t help that. I am bisexual. But I won’t act on it because I want you. Just like you will be attracted to other men, but won’t act on it, hopefully.”

Aaron smiles a little, “of course not. And I know, I’m sorry. I am going to try and be better about it all.” They’ve had this conversation before. He hates how deep down he holds these stereotypes because Robert is right- there is no difference. Aaron will be attracted to other people, he has eyes after all and so will Robert but they are together. That’s all there is to it, no matter who they fancy.

“And I am sorry too.” Robert continues. “I should have told you about my meeting with Rebecca- I am sorry that I didn’t.”

Aaron nods, he feels tired- just wants to sleep in Robert’s arms.

“Aaron?”

“Hm?”

“Everything I do- it’s for us. It’s for our future. I want us forever.”

Aaron untangles their hands but only to cup Robert’s face.

“I know- I know that. I see it every day.”

Robert smiles brightly before he’s frowning again- Aaron doesn’t want that. But before he can say anything Robert opens his mouth again.

“I should have never taken it off, the ring I-“

“I have it here” Aaron says quickly. He takes Robert’s hand and slides it back on.

“I was being stupid-“

“We both were. You risked your life getting these back- scrap that. You risked your life to save mine. I know you love me I do.”

“I really do.”

Aaron yawns and Robert smiles at him, a soft expression on his face.

“What do we do now?” Robert says after a few more minutes of silence.

“We go to Las Vegas?” Aaron suggests, watching Robert’s reaction.

“But-“

“Robert it was your birthday present to me. Your wonderful and thoughtful present. I don’t want to ruin that.” Aaron doesn’t think he will ever be over the guilt he feels over ruining Robert’s present all because he felt paranoid again and accepted that Robert was up to no good seconds after Chas showed him that video. Robert didn’t deserve that.

“Okay- I want that too, but are you sure? What about the wedding?”

Aaron sighs. “I am sure. I want to be with you, I think getting away from here for a bit could do us both good. But maybe we should postpone our wedding plans?”

Robert nods “I thinks so too.”

“Yeah? I want to get married to you Robert, as soon as possible. But I’d like to do so when I’ve sorted things out in my head.”

“And I want that too, for both of us. I promise I’ll give you the best day- whenever, wherever.”

“I don’t doubt that for one second.”

 They’re staring at each other, eyes soft when Aaron has to stifle another yawn. Robert laughs “how about we just sleep?”

“Here?”

Robert shrugs “why not?”

“You’re exhausted and I want to be near you. It doesn’t matter whether we go back to the pub or stay here. We wouldn’t be doing any packing anyway. We have time to sort out our luggage tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Aaron says, Robert’s right he is exhausted.

“I’ve had a drink-“

“Or five-“ Robert fills in.

“Yeah, something like that.”

Robert drops his bag on the floor before going to lie down on the bed. It’s clear they are not going to bother with clothes or anything, Aaron doesn’t mind. He takes off his shoes and jacket and drops it on the floor before moving up close to Robert. His fiancé wraps his arms around him and Aaron sighs at the familiarity of it all. He’s so happy to have ended up like this, can’t bear the thought of how this evening could have ended- with them broken up, separated.

Aaron vows to himself that he will always fight for them. He’s proud of himself. He’s used to Robert fighting for them and deep down he knows that Robert will have come to him again even if he’d  seemed defeated. But this time Aaron got there first, realised just how much they were worth fighting for.

“Goodnight, fiancé” he hears Robert whisper and Aaron loves him.

 “Goodnight Rob.”

[violetsystems]

#personal

I deposited my first check for my business yesterday at the bank.  I had to go to the teller because it’s an entirely different account.  They repeated the name back to me off the check and asked me if I wanted a balance.  If you look at my life from the right perspective everything seems amazing.  Truthfully, they say the American dream is owning your own business.  They say a lot of dumb shit about America.  Now more than ever.  Which is why it’s nice sometimes to stick around in a neighborhood and let people battle it out in terms of what they think of you.  It’s been about ten months of insane isolation.  I spend most of my time at home alone with my cat.  I talk to my parents every so often but nobody really else intimately.  Other than here.  I live in a city so it’s impossible to be alone once you leave the house.  I sometimes think that’s a hard balance to maintain.  It gets easier over time the less I worry about the outside world.  I know it’s hard to when you live on a planet in the middle of a dense, dark universe.  But these days I pay more attention to space in the news more than anything.  I just bought a few things for my business to experiment with.  A mini drone to learn Python with.  I flew it out on the porch for a few seconds until my neighbor poked their head out.  Everybody out here is always in everybody else’s business.  It’s almost a reflex.  Oddly enough when I fly it indoors my cat just rolls her eyes at it.  I’ve been continuing to apply for jobs and maintain a presence on the job sites.  But everything whiffs in such a weird way.  It’s like I’m invisible until I’m out on the street.  Then it’s everyone wasting my time and energy trying to project some secret messages or agenda.  It’s laughable at this point.  You’d think after years of fucking with somebody on a guerilla level you’d bother to at least acknowledge them with more than a glare.  And yet people can’t be bothered to be kind or understanding.  There’s not enough of it in the world.  So when you walk that path, everyone has their hand out.  Everybody expects it’s a given that we’re all in this together.  When it comes to my physical address behind closed doors most assuredly this is not true.  But considering my business address and my residence are one and the same right now, it’s not too hard to know I’m painted in a corner.  I don’t have friends that even check on me to see how I’m doing other than here.  Everybody in this city is too caught up in a lie or afraid of being exposed.  I can confirm this by simple math.  The people I still keep up with are business transactions at best.  There’s an icy veil between that where you get this feeling you aren’t welcome into any real social circle anymore.  This feels even worse applying for jobs in this city.  I just got out of a twenty year employment opportunity where you get to work with your friends.  Only to find ten months after being let go, none of those people were my friends.  I personally at this point care more about making money than friends.  The teller is friendly enough when they stare at my account from behind the screen.  It’s a nightmare to think over two years ago my life was quite the opposite despite having it all.  Dream jobs are in the past now.  Everybody’s godson is their own personal cybersecurity officer.  The nerds got rid of their IT managers and are locked in their bedrooms on zoom with their cameras off.  I’m more excited about drones on Mars and autonomous delivery.  And I still see no future for me here, there or everywhere.

The biggest lesson for me has been about validation.  There is a point when what you want to do isn’t the clearest road.  I’ve had my share of friends doubt who I wanted to be or become.  I’ve cautiously shared things about my life I couldn’t put into words only to have my concerns gaslighted or dwarfed for the main narrative.  People who lie are really good at one thing.  Continuing to lie.  When I catch people in lies, it makes me angry.  Mostly because the one thing I’ve always tried to do was be transparent, accountable and real.  The way I see America when I walk out my door is severely broken.  A thousand fractured narratives clashing together in selfishness.  I try to keep the peace and bridge things together as best I can.  But I’m no politician.  I’m not even an activist.  I’ve been duct taping my life together for almost a year only to realize everybody else’s is far worse off.  Social distancing through the plague has brought me to extremes.  It helped me distance myself from years of my life I’d been caught up in.  And yet now I find myself caught up in a city rather than a suburban area I crawled out from years ago.  College is so far away.  I actually took masters level courses in Psychology.  I wanted to go into artificial intelligence.  I settled for data analytics and human resources.  Never really did much with that degree other than learn how to spot crazy.  I don’t have any student loans to trade for leverage with an employer.  Everybody follows me around and talks behind my back to the point where I wonder if employers have a red flag tabbed on my LinkedIn profile.  The shit I have seen done with my life is so fucking amateur that people would rather erase me than confront the problem.  And therein lies the lesson.  You have to validate yourself.  Believing in yourself and walking away from the table is a tough thing when everyone negs you to think less.  But there’s a point when my Viking roots throw caution to the wind and I tell the world I’m done.  I’m sure my Gyspy roots concur.  Not sure about the Bohemian side.  I think here is the hidden key to Nationalism.  Everybody falls back on their shallow gene pool for comfort to ease the cognitive dissonance of society being a chaotic fuck show.  Primitive thinking that can’t evolve beyond pattern recognition.  The things I’m supposed to be proud of are very finite to me.  They don’t span generations or even decades.  The last ten months has been the most bleak and soul churning I have ever experienced.  And I experienced it quietly with my family and my real friends in a weird sort of intimacy.  And even my parents don’t really know what goes on with me too deeply.  There’s a point when you have to be your own person.  And some people can’t break free and stand on their own too without fear or pain.  So they’d rather fall back into a crowd.  Where they can stop being judged, negated or feel unsure about where they stand.  That is a crutch.  Sometimes the world is so hurt you need something to stand on.  And sometimes the bones heal you back all gnarled and distorted.  You look inward and all you feel is hate.  And that hate isn’t you.  It’s not a good thing to be angry all the time.  And yet I feel it too.  More so these days when I let myself get angry over things and people outside my control.  The people outside my door don’t ever validate me in a way that’s dignified or respectful.  And that says a lot about the world in general versus how I choose to live.  The real lesson I’ve learned is that this is the way it is.  If you want to change it, you must start with yourself.  And there’s some things you can’t change.  The hell of other people trying to intrude and muscle in on your place on this planet.  

It’s hard to love yourself when everyone else is judging your every move.  It makes you think there is something wrong with you.  And the world is always looking for something to point it’s finger on.  We’re all being judged.  We’re all under duress.  We are all paranoid looking over our shoulder.  I should know because I catch someone with a knowing look out my periphery every ten or fifteen seconds.  That’s a lot to subconsciously prepare for every day I want to live my life.  And yet I know there are people who are simply continuing to live through a lie.  To be further manipulated away from controlling themselves.  The reactionary bullshit in America serves a dual purpose.  Thinning out the herd.  We are so caught up in headlines we never read the fine print.  We are enraged, huddled together through protest and then led further down the rabbit hole with no end in sight.  We complain about government but can’t name a single piece of legislation other than guns that have saved our freedom.  I’ll name one for you.  The CARES act.  We know everything about everyone every second of the day but have never even asked anyone’s name.  And you can seek out that whirl wind circle jerk of group hugs and prayer circles all you want.  People are still just going through the motions.  Saying the right things to avoid confrontation even if it means blatantly warping the truth.  Ask anybody I used to work with.  I would ask them for you but they pretend I’m fucking dead.  And this was how it was supposed to feel I gather.  I was to be taught a lesson.  Freedom isn’t free.  It did teach me a lot about life.  Mostly that I’m not really sensitive to anything other than my own ethics.  There’s things I don’t do.  And these things are observed and never clarified.  I live in a silent void of rumor, legacy and shadow.  I’m living that life you people brag about in public.  Whatever that life is I’m not even quite sure.  I’m terribly alone in all of this and not at the same time.  And it requires me to have confidence enough to simply and effortless believe I’m worth it.  Like some vicious game of poker.  I’m all in at my own kitchen table.  I have no dreams left other than to be free.  And maybe to learn Premiere editing 4k drone videos in my spare time.  I don’t really fucking know anymore what to do other than to continue to not humor anyone’s dumb ass bullshit.  And to be real, this entire experience has taught me firsthand how worthless and fucked up my past is here in America.  Everybody wants some shame to hold over you so you stay a bargain.  Everybody wants to roast you and take your shine so they can look mediocre next to you at best.  Everybody wants to bring everyone down to their level regardless if it’s legal, civil or ethical.  And yet when you do the same, you understand what the problem is.  I’ve walked the walk for years and everybody can’t stop talking their shit.  Now people have run out of bad things to say.  So they either pretend I’m a ghost or speak like I’m some urban legend.  And thinking too much into that can drive an intelligent person insane.  Which is why knowing what I know I stay out of everything completely.  Even when I don’t you can see how much it drags me down to humor it all like a good sport.  These people out here do not play fair.  They never have.  And the only winning move is not to play.  I learned that from Wargames years ago.  Everybody wants to be a hacker now.  If you learn one thing from Hackers the movie.  The M1 is here to stay.  And never try to hack a gibson.  That’s the only ICE you have to fear when it comes to crossing my path.  Flatline your shit and leave you staring at the ground awkwardly with your well meaning intrusive bullshit.  End of line.  <3 Tim

[rora-s]

The Derivative Chapter 3: Balance

Chapter 1 <- Chapter 2 

I trudged into my grandfather's house and ungracefully collapsed on the sofa. Charlie who was doing work on the coffee table looked over at me with an amused expression. “Hello” 

“Hello” I murmured, my arm draped over my face. 

“School that bad huh?” Charlie asked. 

“High school sucks when you’re a genius” I declared exasperatedly thinking back to the extensive argument I had with my english teacher over the wording of a phrase. 

“High school sucks for almost everybody” Charlie sighed continuing to work. 

Moments later I heard my grandfather enter the room so I sat up. “Hey” he greeted us both with a nod but gave me a confused look “I didn’t think you were coming here today. Not that I’m not glad to see you” he quickly added the last bit.

I shrugged and gave a small smile “got a text from Don while I was in class telling me to come here today and he cleared it with the school so I could get on the bus. Here I am” 

“Guess that means he’ll be working late” Alan muttered then looked to Charlie again who was shifting papers trying to cover some of his work “no classes today?” he inquired of the mathematician. 

“Nah” Charlie objected. 

“You working on something for Don?” Alan asked, eyeing his son's work. 

“It’s a um.. It’s a genetics project” Charlie answered “for a… for a friend in the bio department actually.” 

“A he or a she?” Alan asked as he adjusted the jacket he’d just put on. 

“Huh?” Uncle C looked to his father in confusion. 

“Your friend. Male or female?” Alan clarified and I rolled my eyes. 

“Does it matter?” Charlie scoffed with mild annoyance. 

“No, of course not I was just curious.” Alan murmured “I just thought maybe, you know…” Alan trailed, finishing his thought with a pointed look rather than words. 

“Well, listen. Dad, whenever I have a girlfriend, I will let you know by, um” Charlie paused a moment ”by putting a note on the refrigerator” I scoffed as Charlie chuckled.

“Good. Well, that’s nice.” Alan muttered then glanced up at me “what about you, any social progress?” 

I rolled my eyes laying back down on the couch “I don’t have any friends let alone romantic entanglements” 

“Touche” Alan scoffed “though you should try and work on that” 

“I hear that a lot,” I grumbled. 

Alan hummed in reply as he headed for the door. “Uh, where you going right now?” Charlie asked. 

“My book club” Alan replied easily. 

“Mm-hmm and where’s that?” Charlie asked. I rolled my head to look over at my uncle, curious as to why he was so curious. 

“Phil’s house.” Gramps explained “Raymond Avenue. You keeping track of me?” 

“No” Charlie chuckled “I’m just curious” 

“Oh” Alan muttered and gave me a look I just shrugged. 

Charlie reopened his laptop as Alan left. Though I notice him shifting his things slightly to block my view. I sat up slowly “genetics project right? About what?” I reached out to turn the laptop around. 

“No!” the man quickly snapped smacking my hand lightly with his pencil to ward me off as he closed the device quickly. “Just don’t look at that,” he said quickly. 

“Why not?” I questioned. 

“It’s uh… it’s my friends research” he spoke frantically as he gathered up his things “and- and they don’t want anyone else really looking at it alright so I’ll just- I’ll just go work somewhere else” He’d gathered up all his things in a frantic cluster and scurried from the room. 

“Okay then” I muttered looking after him. He was hiding something, that was obvious. However, I didn’t care that much to snoop around right now. So I laid back down on the couch for a well deserved after school nap. 

____________

“So what? Traffic downtown’s always terrible.” Gramps defended as Don and Charlie attempted to deter him from going to volunteer. 

“Well it’s worse than usual” Don explained, “There's a Sig Alert because of an accident on the 2, and you’ll blow your whole day in the car.” 

“Well it’s not like I’ll be alone. I'll have Abby with me to chat” Alan said looking back at me from where I was reading on the floor. 

“What?” I asked, perplexed. 

“You’re coming to help me. We talked about it yesterday” Alan explained then sighed as I continued to give him a blank look “you know you may remember everything you read but speaking to you it’s in one ear and out the other” I just shrugged in response, taking a bite of my apple snack and looking back to the book I was reading. 

“And also downtown there’s that, uh…? Charlie looked to his brother for help and they began to talk over each other. 

“Yeah, there’s that protest march” Don explained. 

“Over on uh…” Charlie again teetered off as Don spoke more. 

“It’s a big deal they’re expecting thousands of people” 

“It’s a big deal” Charlie reiterated “meanwhile you could be doing something fun. Hey, hey like I don’t know you could go bowling” everyone in the room turned to the youngest Eppes man in mild confusion. 

“Bowling?” Alan questioned then sighed “Abby come on” he gestured and I rose from my place sitting reluctantly. 

“Or golf” Don spoke quickly “you keep saying you’re going to play golf.” I slid past the brothers “it’s a beautiful day for a round or two” 

“It’s been two years since I retired,” Gramps told them “and almost a year since your mother died. Now I’m finding there are certain things I would like to do with my life. And one of them is to volunteer where people need me and another to spend time with my lovely granddaughter” he rested a hand on my shoulder “I’ve made, and though she might not remember it, Abby made a commitment to be someplace today and if that means sitting in my car, fine. But I’m certainly not going to skip out to go golfing or bowling” Alan started to lead me toward the door. 

“What if we told you…” Charlie began

“Charlie” Don interrupted his brother with a warning tone repeating his name multiple times as he continued to speak.

“There’s a really good reason you shouldn’t.” Charlie finished. 

Don shot him a glare but his eyes flashed to meet mine before softening as he looked back to his brother. 

“Well clearly there’s something you’re not telling us” Alan inferred. 

“Does it have to do with the math Uncle C tried to hide from me?” I asked softly and the brother’s exchanged a look. Charlie’s looking rather apologetic. 

“That you can’t tell us,” Gramps clarified. “But you don’t want us to go downtown?” 

“Yeah” Don finally voiced “I think it’s a good idea not to go downtown. Okay? Can we leave it at that?” 

Alan paused for a moment and I looked at each of the men “well I’ll take your concerns under consideration.” With that he turned and headed toward the kitchen. 

There was a beat of silence and I let off a breath “you know I really hate secrets” I muttered, shooting a look at Don who opened his mouth to respond but before he could I had turned to leave the room I heard him sigh in defeat as I walked away. 

_________

3rd POV. 

Don sighed as Abby stormed off abandoning whatever feeble excuse he was about to make. “Wish we could tell dad and Abby not to leave the house for a couple weeks.” Charlie voiced. 

“Right. Well, good luck with that.” Don muttered in annoyance “I may be new at this parenting thing but even I can guess that quarantining a sixteen year old girl isn’t going to work.” 

“I’ve gone months without leaving the house in the past” Charlie explained “and it’s not like Abby has friends to visit” 

Don scoffed “yeah guess her being antisocial does help with this” Don let off a breath trying to quell the balloon of anxiety that was his parental instincts before they exploded. Charlie shrugged slightly and Don found even the gesture annoying right now with his younger brother “bowling” he muttered turning to leave. 

“Yeah bowling” Charlie called after him, agitation also apparent in his voice. 

Don headed into the house after his daughter, he found her in his old room with her nose in a book. “Listen,” he began “I don’t want you going to the shelter with your grandfather alright and that’s the end of it” 

“No it’s not” Abby objected, snapping her book closed and sitting up “if I want to go help people I can. Especially since Gramps already said I could and so did you before you started acting all weird and keeping stuff from me.” 

“Abby it’s not my choice to keep things from you” Don explained carefully “but with my line of work there are certain things that I can’t talk about. Now I’m your father you have to do what I say and I say you’re not going to that shelter.” 

“Bullshit” Abby spat angrily, getting to her feet. “You can’t expect me to just listen to you without an explanation. I’m not some mindless drone” 

Don took a deep breath trying to keep his anger down “I know what’s best for you Abby so just shut up and listen to me alright? You’re not going and that is final” 

“Yeah right” Abby practically snarled “and I suppose you’re going to be around to stop me? You’ll just be at work while I’m dumped here and you know it. Father my ass you’re barely a supervisor” with that she shoved past him and out of the room. 

Don didn’t bother to stop her or go after her this time. They both needed time to cool down. He let off an aggravated growl and plopped onto the bed. She had a point he had been working a lot lately. Still, he knew going downtown was a bad idea. The last thing he wanted was for her to get sick. His stomach churned at the idea of her ending up like the victims he had seen in the hospital. Why couldn’t she just listen to him? He let off a breath as his phone beep. He was needed back at the office. So he rose and headed out he didn’t see Abby as he left but he knew they’d need to talk later. 

______________

Abby POV. 

“Have a good day” Alan murmured as he poured soup into a woman’s bowl. 

“Thank you” she nodded and shuffled down the line where I handed her a pb&j with a gloved hand.

There was a bout of loud laughter and three kids of varying ages came darting past the table. A woman followed behind yelling at them to slow down and watch where they were going. 

“I feel sorry for her” Alan voiced with a sigh “having to raise her kids in a place like this” 

Abby shrugged “it’s not a horrible place. I’ve been in worse ones” 

Alan gave her a side look “you were in a homeless shelter?” 

Abby shrugged “sometimes when the weather was bad or we were having car trouble me and my mom would stay the night in one. Came for meals quite a bit when I was younger, less the older I got but I had a lot of soup and pb&j growing up. Or mcdonalds dollar menu” 

Alan hummed and was quiet for a minute “you know your mother..” he paused seeming to collect his thoughts “and- and your father they might not always have seemed or seem like the best parents but I’m sure that Janice did the best she could for you and Don will as well” 

“I know” I replied with a slight smile at his concern “my mom just didn’t have the life skills needed to make it in the world when I was born. We managed just fine even if it wasn’t perfect. She was actually taking online classes to try and get a degree before she died” I paused thinking back on the memories. 

“Really? Well I bet with a kid like you your mother must have been a very bright woman” Alan decreed. They were quiet for a moment before Alan sighed “maybe you should have listened to your father and stayed I mean he is your father you need to listen to him” 

I sighed leaning on the table “with me and my mom it was always more of a negotiation. I was smart enough to take care of myself most of the time and she was always distracted by something. I got used to not listening. No one who gave me orders ever really had my best interest at heart before” 

“Well I can promise you that Donnie does” Gramps explained “both of you are still learning. Him how to guide a human being and you how to be guided. It’s a tricky process but I think once you both figure it out you’ll be better for it.” 

I smiled lightly “thanks Grandpa I’ll keep that in mind.” Alan nodded and turned to the next person in line. As I dwelled in my thoughts a bit. 

_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

3rd POV. 

Abby poked at a bug with a pencil. As the creature scurried along the floor of their motel room. The door opened and the girl looked up to see her mother stumbling in. The woman let off a breath and clasped on one of the beds. 

Abby got to her feet and hurried over jumping up on the bed. “Mommy! Mommy!” The four year old exclaimed. 

“Hey kid” Janice greeted her daughter with a tired smile. “How was your day?” 

“That man came back again,” Abby informed. “He knocked on the door really loud this time” 

“Did he come in?” Janice inquired. Abby shook her head ‘no’ in response. “Good” Janice sighed and laid there for a moment in thought. “Here I got you some food” she sat up and turned to face her daughter. 

She pulled out a burger and small fry from the dollar menu of McDonalds. Abby smiled and began eating hungrily however she stopped when she saw her mother wasn’t eating. “What about you?”

Janice smiled at her daughter. “It’s alright Abbs” she reassured “I ate before I got here” 

Abby wasn’t as convinced “here” she extended her mother a couple of her fries. 

“No Abby, they're yours” Janice objected. 

“I want you to have some” the four year old replied stubbornly. 

Janice sighed and took the fries, kissing her daughter on the forehead “You’re a stubborn kid, you know that?” 

Abby giggled at that and continued to eat her small dinner. The girl had just finished and Janice was brushing her hair in the bathroom when the door slammed open. 

Abby jumped and rolled off the bed. Janice hurried out of the bathroom terrified. “That is it! You haven’t made your payments in a month! You are out of here!” The manager yelled. 

Janice begged and pleaded Abby just stood there and watched. Before she realized what happened she was standing outside with her backpack. Her mother was carrying a duffel. 

“Alright come on” Janice sighed as she took Abby’s hand and led her over to the car “we’re just going to have to find somewhere else.”

Finding somewhere else took less time than Abby expected. It had started to rain and it was getting cold. Janice pulled over and parked the car. She took Abby’s hand and locked their stuff in the vehicle leading her daughter quickly down the street and into a building. 

They were walking in among a small amount of people but there were more inside. Most had an odd assortment of clothes and layers. A lot looked old and a good portion were missing teeth. 

Janice talked to some people who were better dressed and didn’t smell as funky. Abby just clung to her mother’s leg and observed everything. Eventually they made it over to a small cot. 

Janice laid down and took off her jacket. Abby laid down next to her and Janice tucked her in. Abbs snuggled up close to her mother who began to sing softly to her. Until she finally fell asleep. 

_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

“Best peanut butter sandwich has bananas on it” I decreed as me and Gramps walked through the door of the house. 

“Now that is normal,” Alan sighed. 

“Yeah so is popcorn” I pointed out. 

“Not-” 

“Hey” Charlie cut Alan off with his greeting as he came walking into the room “where’ve you been?” 

“Uh bowling” Alan replied sarcastically giving me a look. 

“Really?” Charlie questioned with mild surprise. 

“No, of course not.” Gramps objected with a chuckle “we were downtown at the shelter” Alan picked up the mail to go through it as Charlie’s face fell slightly. I meandered over to the living room to take a seat. 

“Dad..” Charlie started. 

“Well, no one else seems worried about being there,” Alan explained. 

“Plus it was a good day” I commented looking over the back of the chair. 

“That’s because they didn’t know,” Charlie voiced. 

“Didn’t know what you wouldn’t tell me?” Alan pointed out to his son. 

“He’s got you there” I decreed and my uncle gave me an exasperated look “what? You didn’t honestly think I’d take your side. Secrets suck” 

“Look,” Gramps continued drawing back Charlie’s disappointed stare “if everybody can be down there, why can’t me and Abby? I got this fuzzy feeling you and your brother have been going downtown too. Huh, am I right?” 

“Okay.” Charlie conceded following his father around the house. “But we were- we were worried about you two” the young man tried to explain. “Do you understand?” 

“Look, Charlie, your brother puts himself on the line every day on that job of his.” Gramps spoke as they came toward where I was sitting “don’t you think I’m worried about him? Huh? But I know how vital that job is to him.” Alan sat down in the seat across from me. Continuing to talk to his son “you’ve been helping him out quite a bit lately haven’t you?” 

Charlie nodded with a strained smile. “You know I could help too if he’d let me,” I muttered. 

“We’ve talked about this Abby” Gramps told me with a look before turning to his son again “you know what I’m really proud of? I’m proud that I’ve raised two sons. Well, we’ve raised two sons who have a great sense of public service. And a granddaughter who’s joined us with, however misguided, a want to serve as well.” Charlie and I both smiled at the sentiment before Grandpa descended into a fit of coughs.

“You okay?” Charlie asked worry drenching his voice. 

“Huh? Yeah sure it’s just a cough” Alan waved it away putting on his glasses to read. 

“Be careful it’s, uh.. It’s flu season” Charlie advised. 

“Yeah, well, don’t worry about me. I never get the flu” Gramps objected. 

“I’ve never gotten it either” I voiced thinking back “had strep once that sucked, never the flu” Alan hummed in acknowledgement as Charlie shifted uncomfortably. “You good Uncle C?” I asked. 

“Yeah, yeah” Charlie nodded, straightening slightly “I just got, uh, some, uh work to get back to” he murmured before leaving the room. 

“He’s acting weirder than normal” I voiced. 

“Ah it’ll blow over” Alan assured. 

“I bet Don’s going to be pissed that I went to the shelter today,” I advised. 

“Don’t worry about it” Alan told me “go get a book. I’ll take the heat on this one” 

“Thanks gramps” I smiled at him slightly before rising from my seat and heading upstairs. 

_________

3rd POV. 

“Hey you good?” Terry asked, tapping her partner on the shoulder as he sat staring at the board. 

“Yeah” Don muttered “just worried Abby and my dad went and volunteered downtown at some shelter and you know I just keep thinking..” he sighed “that first victim was a sixteen year old kid.” 

“And now you have your own sixteen year old kid” Terry finished the man’s obvious thought. Don nodded “did you tell her not to go” 

“Best I could with the reason being classified” the man explained “she just got mad I wasn’t giving her a reason, threw the fact that I work all the time in my face and stormed off” 

“Well she is still a teenager. They’re like that sometimes” Terry explained with some levity in her features 

“This was different though” Don explained “I mean I can gather enough to realize Abby hasn’t had a lot of great authority figures in her past I mean she didn’t even think we’d be worried when she disappeared on her birthday. Still..” Don trailed biting his lip slightly. 

“You’re trying Don” Terry reassured “you’re still figuring out how to be a dad and she’s still figuring out how to be a daughter. It’s not something that’s just going to click overnight even father’s who raised their daughters have issues. But if anyone’s stubborn enough and strong enough to get through these issues it’s you and her.” 

“Yeah” Don sighed “I’m just not used to feeling like this. I mean every moment of peace I have there’s this buzzing in the back of my head now of whether Abby’s alright or not. Been trying to keep myself from texting her or calling her, not that she’s in a great mood with me enough to answer” 

“That’s okay Don” Terry advised him “well maybe not text and call her every five minutes but it’s okay to be worried. She’s your daughter your natural instincts are to protect her” 

“Maybe” Don muttered “but how do I protect her from something I can’t even fight” 

Terry gave him a sad look but held no answers when David suddenly popped his head into the room “they pulled some footage from the bus terminal that we’ve got to see” he told them urgently and the pair quickly got up to follow him. Don pushed his thoughts to the back of his mind. 

_________

Abby POV. 

“So how are you two guys doing?” Gramps asked as Don came out onto the back patio where we were eating. “Well, you seem so much more relaxed than the last couple of days” 

“Probably closed the stupid case they couldn’t talk about” I muttered taking a bit of my chili. I could see Don giving me a look out of the corner of my eye. 

“Yeah, I’d say, uh, we’re doing pretty okay now.” my father sighed sitting down next to his brother. “And we did finish our project” he gave me a nod. He paused, eyeing the beer in his hand “think I might get my first good night’s sleep in about a week.” 

“I’m glad it’s over” Charlie sighed. 

“You know, I thought I’d let you know that I’m gonna be working down at the shelter next week” Alan explained and turned to me “and if you would like to join me again you can. Though this time you might want to write it down so you’ll remember” 

“Very funny” I muttered “and yes I’d like to.” I paused “if that’s okay with you Don” I felt weird asking permission but I knew it was a good idea. 

“Yeah, I think it’s okay now.” Don agreed. Seeming just as hesitant to give a reply to the question. 

Alan looked between us and sighed “you know one of the hardest parts about being a parent?” he looked between us all “finding balance” he declared. I looked over at Don and gave him a light smile and he returned it. “Well I’ll see you three later. I’m gonna be going with Art Stanley” 

“Uh-oh. What are you two up to?” Charlie asked. 

“Bowling” Alan declared. Charlie grinned as me and Don began to chuckle. “After the fuss you made, I thought I’d give it a try” 

“Don’t throw out your back” I muttered.

“Ha ha very funny” Alan murmured. “And don’t you still have homework in the living room?” I groaned in annoyance “uh-huh come on” Alan gestured for me to follow him into the house. 

I let off a breath and rose from my seat bowl in hand. “I hate homework” 

“Necessary evil kid” Don advised “now go get it done and then maybe we can do something fun tomorrow” 

“Fun?” I asked intrigued.

“Yeah you know the two of us” Don clarified “since I’ve been working a lot lately I thought maybe it’d help with the balance you know?” 

I smiled “yeah okay”

“You know what you two should do?” Charlie voiced with a smirk. 

“If you say bowling I’m going to deck you” Don muttered, taking a swig of his drink as I headed into the house laughing.  

Chapter 4 -> 

[senominis-blog]

https://wholesalinghousesinfo.com/freedomsoft-review-best-wholesaling-real-estate-software/ - OK folks. So on the off chance that you're perusing this at the present time, at that point chances are you have some enthusiasm for Preston Ely's land financial specialist programming called Freedomsoft. In any case, ostentatious deals duplicate and extravagant recordings aside, there's one glaring inquiry that should be replied… At the point when you take a decent, hard look past all the features, the extravagant recordings and even Preston Ely's overwhelming character — The glaring inquiry despite everything remains: When you strip away all the advertising publicity… Does FreedomSoft Really Stand Up On It's Own? Well I've had some presentation to it by and by. Truth be told I was offered the opportunity to dabble around in the engine ahead of time of the vast majority (since I own this here extravagant land contributing web journal) and I thoughtfully acknowledged. Yet, let me state, in excess of a couple have seen that, in the midst of the advancement blast, I've been oddly quiet up to now – and truly, it was purposeful. My explanations behind this are clarified quite well in the video above, yet fundamentally I'm beginning to reevaluate the entire "everybody messages about everything at the same time" thing. So getting on board with the publicity fleeting trend and making a Freedomsoft audit wasn't exacty top on my rundown. In any case, it turns out certain people really care enough about what I think to make a special effort to inquire. I've had in excess of a couple of people asking me legitimately to share my blunt and genuine contemplations on it, great, awful as well as terrible. Which is at last what persuaded me to set aside the effort to feel free to do a real to life, legitimate Freedomsoft audit. I'll Be Honest… I kinda effectively figured it would be basically done as it so happens. All things considered, the person behind the real programming advancement (No, not Preston or Pete — another person who's waaaaay in the background) — this current person resembles a sibling to me, and known for being a thousand percent focused on extraordinary quality in each venture I've at any point seen him tackle. Freedomsoft Review Update 1: The "Mystery Guy" in the background really made a trip and uncovered his character in the remarks beneath. Wager you remember him. Continue perusing… So I had exclusive standards as of now. Also, I should concede I was very intrigued. Be that as it may, what I didn't expect was the amount they were incorporating with it – as far as the rundown of highlights. Evidently they took their "across the board land contributing arrangement" thought much more genuinely than I gave them credit at first. Freedomsoft Review Update 2: They've likewise included a gaggle of sparkly, new highlights to the "Reloaded" variant, which I've featured to sum things up underneath for you… Freedomsoft Review: A Few Strong, Personal Cautions… Indeed, in the wake of utilizing this actually, I can say Freedomsoft is an extremely incredible bit of land contributing programming. In it's arrangement chief capacities, yet in addition since I've by and by tried and utilized it to pull up practical property drives, a large number of money purchaser leads and two or three hundred private bank leads – all in my neighborhood all in around 3 ticks. In any case, before you move excessively quick, it would be ideal if you understand what FreedomSoft truly is — it's product. Presently truly, they're tossing in a lot of other stuff — and some of it beautiful darn appealing without a doubt. In any case, at it's very center, this is a business instrument — a ground-breaking one, yes — however it is anything but a genuine business. If it's not too much trouble be mindful so as not to befuddle the two. What's more, don't make the great "brilliant sparkly item condition" slip-up of letting all the showcasing and publicity encompassing this persuade you it'll run your entire 7-figure land activity while you chillax on a Hawaiian sea shore. With all that this extravagant programming can clearly do, it can and will intensely increase your REI business endeavors when and on the off chance that you really apply it… BUT… in the event that your business is as yet sitting at zero, companion… well, zero duplicated by anything is as yet zero, right? So first of all, you need a real land business for FreedomSoft to benefit you in any way, OK? Having said that, I'll state this: As a business power apparatus for genuine land financial specialists, I've actually never observed FreedomSoft's match. There is one programming item out there that could be viewed as similar in numerous regards (Open Road) but at the same time they're diverse in various manners… and even the driving force behind that product is advancing FreedomSoft at this moment. Which says something I think. A Few Unanswered Questions… Here are a couple of inquiries I don't know answers to … yet that merit notice in a genuine Freedomsoft survey… For their comps… where do they get the information? Purchaser/dealer/proprietor leads on request… once more, where are the leads sourced from? Would you be able to import your own agreements, structures and letters into the large, extravagant structures editorial manager thingy? Or on the other hand would you say you are constrained to just what they have in there? Freedomsoft Review Update 3: Andy from Freedomsoft halted by and by and responded to these inquiries (and yours) for us in the remarks underneath this post. Peruse on for straight answers you won't find on any online course. FreedomSoft Review: What's New in "Reloaded"? These things bear further clarification, yet in light of a legitimate concern for curtness, here's the short-yet amazing rundown of 8 extravagant, new things (notwithstanding all that it as of now accomplishes for you)… 1. A single Click Direct-Mail Marketing. (Records gave as well) 2. Mechanized and Tracked Direct-Mail Drip Campaigns (actually only a couple of snaps) 3. 45 New Website Design Templates (and you can have the same number of sites as you need/need) 4. New Customized Squeeze Pages for Load Mod, Landord, Motivated Seller, and Private Lenders 5. Drop-Dead-Easy Website Editor (genuinely) 6. "Make-Your-Own Contract" Builder (You can even transfer and auto-fill State-Approved agreements) 7. Agreement Package Builder 8. "Anyplace" Website Integration. Need to keep your space and site? Attachment it straight into Freedom$oft. What To Do? In the first place, in case you're thinking about this, put on your "publicity blinders" and be as target as conceivable in your survey. I trust my involvement with the video above aides… however at long last, no one but you can choose if this will be simply one more spur of the moment purchase or a genuine distinct advantage for you. My proposal? Concentrate On The Demo Videos… At the time I'm posting this, on the off chance that you look down the product depiction page a little there's a rundown of short "behind the blind" recordings, that essentially spread out each and every component you have to comprehend to give this thing a reasonable evaluation. As an extremely systematic person, I'm excited to see them do this, or more all else I unequivocally encourage anybody considering FreedomSoft to contribute a couple of moments to audit these short recordings in the event that they're still there. It's the best due industriousness you could do in your own Freedomsoft survey, and should help gel everything for you. freedomsoft audit Private Bonus: Get Access to the Full "Kiss Flipping" Intensive Training Series Free (Actual $997.00 Value) As a major aspect of my genuine Freedomsoft survey, I'm glad to offer my own unique, private reward to any individual who feels FreedomSoft is a perfect venture for your business. Also, specifically it's an extremely incredible fit with what F$ does. A large portion of you are most likely acquainted with our Kiss Flipping preparing — it's a shockingly basic guide to bringing in huge cash flipping houses in the present market. Basically it's Bob Norton's whole "Keep It Simple Stupid" model for flipping bargains in the present field. People are having GREAT achievement following this outline with us. Typical educational cost for this preparation (when it's open) is really $997.00, thought right currently it's actually shut to new individuals. In any case, I'll readily open full, unadulterated access as a free reward to any individual who puts resources into FreedomSoft through and afterward messages me their FS buy receipt a while later. (See 2 stages beneath) See, as far as I can tell, the one glaring gap in FreedomSoft is that it's NOT generally a plan of action — it's a business apparatus. So coordinating our KISS Flipping preparing with it as a complimentary extra bodes well. It completes the bundle for you. Hand in glove. Freedomsoft Review: In Summary… Comprehend Freedomsoft is definitely not a "virtual cash printing machine" and it won't ensure your prosperity or satisfy your most out of control dreams. No one but you can do that — thus far it despite everything takes more than insignificant programming to get that going. Yet, my true blue appraisal is that it's incredibly very much done, and in the event that you have a REI bargain working together, could be a genuine (perhaps game changing) resource for your land flipping business. Furthermore, with that, I trust you discovered my genuine Freedomsoft survey supportive. My point is to be of an incentive in the conversation as you think about what's directly for you. I trust I've done quite recently that.

[freedomsoftreview1-blog]

https://wholesalinghousesinfo.com/freedomsoft-review-best-wholesaling-real-estate-software/ - OK folks. So on the off chance that you're perusing this at the present time, at that point chances are you have some enthusiasm for Preston Ely's land financial specialist programming called Freedomsoft. In any case, ostentatious deals duplicate and extravagant recordings aside, there's one glaring inquiry that should be replied… At the point when you take a decent, hard look past all the features, the extravagant recordings and even Preston Ely's overwhelming character — The glaring inquiry despite everything remains: When you strip away all the advertising publicity… Does FreedomSoft Really Stand Up On It's Own? Well I've had some presentation to it by and by. Truth be told I was offered the opportunity to dabble around in the engine ahead of time of the vast majority (since I own this here extravagant land contributing web journal) and I thoughtfully acknowledged. Yet, let me state, in excess of a couple have seen that, in the midst of the advancement blast, I've been oddly quiet up to now – and truly, it was purposeful. My explanations behind this are clarified quite well in the video above, yet fundamentally I'm beginning to reevaluate the entire "everybody messages about everything at the same time" thing. So getting on board with the publicity fleeting trend and making a Freedomsoft audit wasn't exacty top on my rundown. In any case, it turns out certain people really care enough about what I think to make a special effort to inquire. I've had in excess of a couple of people asking me legitimately to share my blunt and genuine contemplations on it, great, awful as well as terrible. Which is at last what persuaded me to set aside the effort to feel free to do a real to life, legitimate Freedomsoft audit. I'll Be Honest… I kinda effectively figured it would be basically done as it so happens. All things considered, the person behind the real programming advancement (No, not Preston or Pete — another person who's waaaaay in the background) — this current person resembles a sibling to me, and known for being a thousand percent focused on extraordinary quality in each venture I've at any point seen him tackle. Freedomsoft Review Update 1: The "Mystery Guy" in the background really made a trip and uncovered his character in the remarks beneath. Wager you remember him. Continue perusing… So I had exclusive standards as of now. Also, I should concede I was very intrigued. Be that as it may, what I didn't expect was the amount they were incorporating with it – as far as the rundown of highlights. Evidently they took their "across the board land contributing arrangement" thought much more genuinely than I gave them credit at first. Freedomsoft Review Update 2: They've likewise included a gaggle of sparkly, new highlights to the "Reloaded" variant, which I've featured to sum things up underneath for you… Freedomsoft Review: A Few Strong, Personal Cautions… Indeed, in the wake of utilizing this actually, I can say Freedomsoft is an extremely incredible bit of land contributing programming. In it's arrangement chief capacities, yet in addition since I've by and by tried and utilized it to pull up practical property drives, a large number of money purchaser leads and two or three hundred private bank leads – all in my neighborhood all in around 3 ticks. In any case, before you move excessively quick, it would be ideal if you understand what FreedomSoft truly is — it's product. Presently truly, they're tossing in a lot of other stuff — and some of it beautiful darn appealing without a doubt. In any case, at it's very center, this is a business instrument — a ground-breaking one, yes — however it is anything but a genuine business. If it's not too much trouble be mindful so as not to befuddle the two. What's more, don't make the great "brilliant sparkly item condition" slip-up of letting all the showcasing and publicity encompassing this persuade you it'll run your entire 7-figure land activity while you chillax on a Hawaiian sea shore. With all that this extravagant programming can clearly do, it can and will intensely increase your REI business endeavors when and on the off chance that you really apply it… BUT… in the event that your business is as yet sitting at zero, companion… well, zero duplicated by anything is as yet zero, right? So first of all, you need a real land business for FreedomSoft to benefit you in any way, OK? Having said that, I'll state this: As a business power apparatus for genuine land financial specialists, I've actually never observed FreedomSoft's match. There is one programming item out there that could be viewed as similar in numerous regards (Open Road) but at the same time they're diverse in various manners… and even the driving force behind that product is advancing FreedomSoft at this moment. Which says something I think. A Few Unanswered Questions… Here are a couple of inquiries I don't know answers to … yet that merit notice in a genuine Freedomsoft survey… For their comps… where do they get the information? Purchaser/dealer/proprietor leads on request… once more, where are the leads sourced from? Would you be able to import your own agreements, structures and letters into the large, extravagant structures editorial manager thingy? Or on the other hand would you say you are constrained to just what they have in there? Freedomsoft Review Update 3: Andy from Freedomsoft halted by and by and responded to these inquiries (and yours) for us in the remarks underneath this post. Peruse on for straight answers you won't find on any online course. FreedomSoft Review: What's New in "Reloaded"? These things bear further clarification, yet in light of a legitimate concern for curtness, here's the short-yet amazing rundown of 8 extravagant, new things (notwithstanding all that it as of now accomplishes for you)… 1. A single Click Direct-Mail Marketing. (Records gave as well) 2. Mechanized and Tracked Direct-Mail Drip Campaigns (actually only a couple of snaps) 3. 45 New Website Design Templates (and you can have the same number of sites as you need/need) 4. New Customized Squeeze Pages for Load Mod, Landord, Motivated Seller, and Private Lenders 5. Drop-Dead-Easy Website Editor (genuinely) 6. "Make-Your-Own Contract" Builder (You can even transfer and auto-fill State-Approved agreements) 7. Agreement Package Builder 8. "Anyplace" Website Integration. Need to keep your space and site? Attachment it straight into Freedom$oft. What To Do? In the first place, in case you're thinking about this, put on your "publicity blinders" and be as target as conceivable in your survey. I trust my involvement with the video above aides… however at long last, no one but you can choose if this will be simply one more spur of the moment purchase or a genuine distinct advantage for you. My proposal? Concentrate On The Demo Videos… At the time I'm posting this, on the off chance that you look down the product depiction page a little there's a rundown of short "behind the blind" recordings, that essentially spread out each and every component you have to comprehend to give this thing a reasonable evaluation. As an extremely systematic person, I'm excited to see them do this, or more all else I unequivocally encourage anybody considering FreedomSoft to contribute a couple of moments to audit these short recordings in the event that they're still there. It's the best due industriousness you could do in your own Freedomsoft survey, and should help gel everything for you. freedomsoft audit Private Bonus: Get Access to the Full "Kiss Flipping" Intensive Training Series Free (Actual $997.00 Value) As a major aspect of my genuine Freedomsoft survey, I'm glad to offer my own unique, private reward to any individual who feels FreedomSoft is a perfect venture for your business. Also, specifically it's an extremely incredible fit with what F$ does. A large portion of you are most likely acquainted with our Kiss Flipping preparing — it's a shockingly basic guide to bringing in huge cash flipping houses in the present market. Basically it's Bob Norton's whole "Keep It Simple Stupid" model for flipping bargains in the present field. People are having GREAT achievement following this outline with us. Typical educational cost for this preparation (when it's open) is really $997.00, thought right currently it's actually shut to new individuals. In any case, I'll readily open full, unadulterated access as a free reward to any individual who puts resources into FreedomSoft through and afterward messages me their FS buy receipt a while later. (See 2 stages beneath) See, as far as I can tell, the one glaring gap in FreedomSoft is that it's NOT generally a plan of action — it's a business apparatus. So coordinating our KISS Flipping preparing with it as a complimentary extra bodes well. It completes the bundle for you. Hand in glove. Freedomsoft Review: In Summary… Comprehend Freedomsoft is definitely not a "virtual cash printing machine" and it won't ensure your prosperity or satisfy your most out of control dreams. No one but you can do that — thus far it despite everything takes more than insignificant programming to get that going. Yet, my true blue appraisal is that it's incredibly very much done, and in the event that you have a REI bargain working together, could be a genuine (perhaps game changing) resource for your land flipping business. Furthermore, with that, I trust you discovered my genuine Freedomsoft survey supportive. My point is to be of an incentive in the conversation as you think about what's directly for you. I trust I've done quite recently that.

[imaginativecrime]

7 reasons The Witcher series is a mess (or damn I need to vent)

Unpopular opinion time! For the record, I’ve read the books, played the games, hell, I’ve binged the Polish movie and series (because my love for Michal Zebrowski and Zbigniew Zamachowski is undying, sue me), and I was super hyped. Then I spent the entire series yelling at the TV, so I made a handy numbered list of the reasons why I personally consider it mediocre at best.

Because I’m fucking disappointed and I’ll never not be bitter about it. Fact.

Be warned, there are all sorts of spoilers below.

Let’s look at some of the issues that affected the show as a whole:

1) Adaptation is hard work - but you have to do it right

Adapting a story from one medium to another is difficult, you inevitably have to change things to make it suitable to the new form of expression and also, everybody wants their adaptation to be unique, to emphasize points they think are important, to reflect on the current times, you name it. But changes in an adaptation should make sense and lend themselves to the storytelling.

Many changes in the series were arbitrary, nonsensical and contributed absolutely nothing. One such example is the Battle of Sodden Hill, a terribly executed “siege” with not enough extras to fill a classroom instead of a battle of 100 000 people. Writing out Redania, Aedirn and the Brotherhood of Sorcerers from the conflict doesn’t seem to have a point to it, while the delayed arrival of the armies of Temeria and Kaedwen is both unexplained, unlikely and underwhelming, not to mention that it completely undermines the Nilfgaardian threat as a whole. This, of course, is just the tip of the iceberg of all the things that are wrong with Sodden Hill in the series. 

Or take Foltest and his affair with Adda. It is perfectly clear in the books that after seven years of wizards, witchers and all manner of frauds coming and going while Foltest is obsessed with breaking the curse instead of killing his daughter, even the very last blind and deaf peasant knows about his shenanigans. It’s only logical, too. The story is relayed to Geralt in no uncertain terms at the very beginning. Now in the show the whole episode is too short to set up a murder mystery that requires Geralt’s incredible detective skills (uhuh) to unravel. What is worse is that you cannot make a big reveal of something that your audience actually has previous knowledge about. So why even bother to have Foltest deny it and have Geralt beat it out of Ostrit? 

Which brings us to point two:

2) We all know which way to Temeria, don’t we?

Even if you have popular source material, you cannot expect everyone to know it. An adaptation has to consider people who are just getting their first introduction to the sandbox. When your lore is as rich as that of the Witcher, you need time and careful effort to set up your world. The show made a total shit job of this one. As in the above example, sometimes the show ignores that we, as an audience, know things. 

Another example is Vilgefortz. We know him, his plans, abilities and allegiances, we have very specific expectations of his character. Besides completely failing these expectations (and doing a very unconvincing early reveal of his true colors), the show goes as far as taking Vilgefortz’s iconic sentence (You mistake stars reflected in a pond for the night sky.) and putting it in Fringilla’s mouth. Like did they actually think we wouldn’t notice? Or not be pissed?

At other times the show expects us to fill in its glaring blanks exactly by knowing our lore and characters. One obvious, overarching example of this is the issue of the separate timelines, that sometimes left even fans a little confused. Also, fun fact: one of my friends (who has no idea about anything in the Witcher’s world) for instance needed some time to realize Pavetta wasn’t, in fact, a grown-up Ciri, and he remains to this day very confused about Blaviken.

Basically, we are on a swing here, which is actually made even worse by another thing: bad pacing.

3) Hold your Roach for a moment

The first season wants to cram too much into its limited time and it has a severe negative impact on worldbuilding and character development. By bringing in all three timelines from the beginning, the show has to juggle time allotted to each. 

To be frank, Ciri’s timeline at this point consists of a lot of running and screaming, which in itself hardly merits all the time we spend with her. It could have been utilized in part to provide us with a view of the war from ‘below’, to show that beyond the high politics and heroic battles there are burned villages, dead peasants, people who lost everything, cripples, deserters, ruined fields, and so on. Instead, we get one refugee camp of neat tents, actual beds, food and complaints about Calanthe (though not of dead husbands, lost homes or winter). Though I guess it should come as no surprise that the shock value of paint being made from a woman’s reproductory organs (that never happened in the books) is more important than actual large scale human suffering.

Now giving Yennefer an extended back story is great. But by that level of extension once again time is being consumed that is taking other opportunities away. Opportunities like giving Geralt himself a bit more background, clarifying points for fresh faces in the audience, giving characters more time for meaningful interaction. Because there is not enough time to let the story breathe and progress naturally, episodes are often rushed, choppy, and shallow. 

4) Reverse worldbuilding, aka welcome to nowhere 

Another serious issue with worldbuilding is what I suspect to be a deliberate departure from the game visuals and aesthetic. One of the things I adore most about the games is that it built heavily on Eastern European history and folk tradition. Nothing compares to the feeling when you ride into a village and you feel right at home because things are inherently familiar, or you go out into the woods and hear the exact bird song you are used to.

Netflix is very careful not to even offer a whiff of this particular identity to its show, but it doesn’t seem to have a clear artistic vision beyond that. Thus while landscapes are nice enough, other settings such as cities, taverns, ballrooms and the like are horribly bland in that “this is how we imagine the middle ages in Hollywood” way and look exactly what they are: sets. While one is not likely to quickly forget the red rooftops of Novigrad or the wild beauty of the Kaer Morhen pass from the games, there is nothing memorable about the locations presented in the series. (Even more bewildering is the depiction of the elite boarding school of Aretuza as a creepy dungeon with elf skulls everywhere. I cannot even begin to address this one unless it is all in caps.) 

Point being that the show lacks an actual visual identity that would distinguish it from any other dime a dozen medieval fantasy.

5) My kingdom for a decent wardrobe

Sadly enough, the bland and flavorless visuals have a terrible effect on something else: clothes and armor. While some costumes are well done, there are way too many examples of the opposite. One very obviously is Nilfgaardian armor, which looks like fossilized trash bags with sad dick helmets. The fact that armor in the show is treated as the equivalent of cardboard is doing no one any favors. Please do your homework next time. Please?

Another inexplicable departure from the books and games is the appearance of the nobility, and most jarringly, sorceresses. That dress Yennefer picks out the first time? It’s literally the drabbest, ugliest thing I’ve ever seen, and the others are not much better. When it comes to period-accurate choices, the range is just so wide: we are talking cambric, velvet, silk, cloth of gold and silver. We are talking luxurious furs, embroidery, colorful feathers, bright dyes, coats of arms and jewelry. Brooches, necklaces, bracelets, rings, hat badges, belt buckles, hairpins, you name it. People wore their wealth. Making them look like sad orphans will not make them look any more medieval.

Peasant clothes also had their decorations, though to a lesser degree than nobles, obviously. But I guess it’s too much to hope that those would get any attention when queens are dressed like they lost a bet.

6) I see your people and I raise you mine

Including people of color in the casting choices caused a lot of heated debate amongst the fans, but at least it means that the show cares about minority representation, right? Right?

The world of the Witcher has its own minorities, and what we have seen of them so far is so incredibly pathetic that I haven’t the words. For one thing, they look so terrible that elves in the Polish series actually look better, and that was so not a high bar to exceed. To make matters worse, they again seem to lack any sort of distinguishing visual identity (except for the Dryads. I’m also willing to make an exception for Chireadan, as he actually looks right and he’s a settled elf.)

Sadly, unlike the games, the series also fails to establish even the beginnings of a compelling narrative for its minorities, which definitely needs to be in place by the time Thanedd happens at the very latest. What is more, we seem to be given something called the Great Cleansing, which is plenty obscure but comes across as a Night of Broken Glass sort of thing (though that could be just me). While still salvageable at this point, this shift in narrative is cause for some concern, and so far doesn’t make much sense.

7) Your villains are not my villains

Unlike the books and games, the Witcher series sadly doesn’t seem to excel at presenting opposing sides without the need to vilify one (which again, makes me worried about what they are going to do to the Scoia’tael later). 

Nilfgaard is now an Empire of Evil (TM) that lives for killing and religious fanaticism, Fringilla is a psychopath, and Cahir... Well, Cahir is a thousand shades of wrong all on his own. Stregobor and Istredd are now assholes of a whole different caliber, and even poor Eyck of Denesle gets to enjoy his five minutes of fame as a madman frothing at the mouth instead of a paragon of knightly virtue.

This is going so well.