#there would either be incredibly productive for something stupid or just chaos

[totallynots8tan]

Most of what we build is entirely for that purpose. (The giant hole in the Aphrodite cabin was an accident, though)

yeah but how many things has cabin 9 created just to annoy people

[nealcassatiel]

Why was the Prequel announced sooo early? Why is Jared being super dumb? Why might his tweets cause SERIOUS issues for the future of the prequel? Why should Jensen and Dannel be livid and actually quite worried as CEOs?

I see lots of people, Jared being the main one, super confused as to why the Prequel was announced in Deadline when apparently its still just an idea? Surely its further down the road, development-wise, than Deadline and Jensen and Daneel are saying? Surely Jared has been left out of months and months of development of this show??? Well, no. Not really. This is what i think, as someone who works in TV development...

A lot of questions have occurred as to why Jared may not have known about the Ackles’ prequel, and yes it might be because they haven’t talked, but let’s look at this from an industry perspective…

Of course the project may already have NDAs attached to it, and as it seems to be in the incredibly early stages, there may not even be anything to the project right now. Working in TV development, you can have big announcements in the Trade publications (such as Deadline) with just an idea for a project with maybe one high profile talent attached. When the company’s ive worked for announce a project in it’s really early stages, without even a script and just an idea but also with IMPORTANT TALENT ATTACHED, it is for one reason: finance. The prod company and the Trade magazine work together to announce the project and it’s all planed. 

So I would guess that maybe Jensen and Daneel’s prod company are looking for extra financing? That is always why the companies ive worked for have made super early announcements like this, without even a script or an entire treatment written. If you announce a project super early but there is big talent attached, then big industry financiers may read, see the project has legs and has buzz around it already, and plonk in their money early on. 

I know it seems like if Deadline announce a project then that infers that lots has been done to develop the show already, but especially with the pandemic and the industry not doing well from a dev and prod point of view, and especially because Jensen and Daneel’s prod company hasn’t made anything yet (even if it does have a co-production deal with Warner Bros television), they still might need to get financing during the early stages of the project. Anyway, it makes sense that very little has been done on the prequel show, and they just want early buzz for financiers. So they got their PR team to talk to Deadline and Deadline and Warner Bros TV and J&D’s prod company’s PR team set up a date for the article to go out to get optimal buzz in line with when financing needs to get off the ground. 

I don’t know, but I’m sure J&D’s prod company paid a lot for the spin-off rights / general supernatural IP. So that’s a lot of sunken costs already. Also, even with The CW on board, the industry is pretty shaky right now and they still might need early financing from international distributers. 

Anyway, all I’m saying is that lots of times, when a project so early in development gets a Trade publication announcement, it’s to secure financing for the project, or to raise the awareness of a new production company, like J&A’s company. Maybe they have a whole slate of projects and are looking for co-producers, and need some legit PR to play with the other big lads in the industry (however, Chaos Machine could do with like… i mean the bare minimum of a website,, unless anyone can see their website? i cant find one?) Maybe they just want to focus on the SPN prequel. But even so, why do they need money, you ask?

If the CW is involved, and if Warner Bros television is co-producing, then why do the Ackles’s prod company need money? Surely the CW can support them and make the show?! Well… i mean, yes they could. But the Ackles wouldn’t necessarily WANT that. You see, whichever company funds the show, gets most of the creative rights to the show. The big issue with SPN was always that the CW/Warner Bros TV probably had things like ‘the final cut privalege’, and could ALWAYS have the final say on scripts. Having been through that on SPN, Jensen needs his production company to retain creative control over the IP and the rights, and for that to happen is prod co NEEDS to fund a majority of the costs. So the Ackles’ need to secure a heck of a lot of financing as a separate entity to the CW. This will mean they might get financiers, other prod cos, distribution companies, and such on board, just by an early announcement of a big project that already has legs and a buzz around it and YOU CAN HELP GET IT MADE AND GET A SLICE OF THE PROFITS ONCE IT’S MADE. See how great this project is ALREADY? Give us some money to help us retain the creative rights and get it made, then you get whatever percentage of the show’s profits. A great investment right? Look at our willing and lovely fanbase! We’re like a big family! A big, happy, fa — *enter Jared with a bulldozer*

SO. With this PR disaster from Jared’s stupid rage tweets like he’s a child, what’s the situation now? I mean, all press is good press… kind of? 

I expect the announcement has something to do with money. Either the project needs money or J&D’s production company needs money. I expect the Ackles are looking for financing, but now is their lovely PR stunt to try to get the project financially off the ground, or at least the PR stunt to try to make sure THE ACKLES retain creative rights by majorly funding the project in jeopardy? 

It depends. Certainly Jared storming in and destroying the idea of a solid and family-like fanbase is going to hamper things. Jared destroying the brotherly vibe, a central theme of the IP, is going to be an issue, but the statements J&J put out to end the drama, and Deadline’s unbelievably obvious ‘solve the drama PR’ where they wrote about the drama ‘All’s well that ends well. After some Supernatural drama that mobilized the series’ legions of fans Thursday night and Friday morning, showcasing the series’ massive social media reach, the #spnfamily is happily back together after a heart-to-heart between Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki.’ (https://deadline.com/2021/06/jared-padalecki-supernatural-prequel-reaction-bummed-gutted-the-winchesters-jensen-ackles-the-cw-1234781475/) will help. Side note, Deadline writing the announcement article with the Ackles to help them get good PR for a project, then having to write an article to solve the bad PR that was caused by their original ‘this’ll be great PR’ article is pretty hilarious. 

Basically, I don’t know if this’ll really affect the reason for the article: getting the Ackle’s money for the project. Whether it will affect the project or how much creative control the Ackles can keep if the CW does have to step in and fund it, I don’t know. But Jared obviously has no idea about how television development works, and certainly has no idea that shows so early in development have these trade publication announcements for financing (a pretty obvious and known-about thing to anyone who works at a film or tv company). Jared also seemed to think that BECAUSE it was announced in Deadline, THAT MUST MEAN that the project was more than an idea with some creatives attached, which again shows that he doesn’t understand how projects in development work and why they’re so often announced when there isn’t even a proper treatment let alone script. The dude is obviously clueless, and there is J&D trying to run a production company which pulls PR moves like this regularly, as an industry standard.

So, even if this doesn’t jeopardise the projects financing, and therefore the control the Ackle’s prod company has over the project, the personal effect this will have on Jensen could be huge. Jared, with his stupid uninformed idea that he’s been left out of loads of development of a project just because it was announced in a magazine, could be read by Jensen as really putting his baby of a project in danger. The article was about money, and what if Jared’s tweets mean that they won’t be able to fund it? What if the CW does have to majority fund it and therefore keep creative control like they did with SPN? Like, this is Jensen and his wife’s COMPANY. Which they’ve already sunken costs into? Like… this is their FINANCIAL FUTURE Jared has stuck his foot into? That article WAS ABOUT MONEY FOR THEIR COMPANY. OF COURSE IT WAS. And now Jared has put their company, and financial future into question potentially? DUMB IDIOT. 

Anyway, that’s how announcements like this work, this is why they normally happen when a project is so early in its development it seems silly to even ‘announce’ anything. Someone forward this to Jared plz and thanks. xxx

[lucy90712]

Sapnap- face cam

Wc- 1987

Warnings- none (I think)  I've been up for almost 30 hours mainly because I was doing college homework all of last night and because my boyfriend Sapnap was streaming and being very loud which kept me up in the first place which was why I did my homework anyway. I love Sapnap to death but sometime he can be a little annoying but I put up with it.

Sapnap only got into bed at 4am and he's still asleep now at 11pm meanwhile since then I've finished a big essay, cleaned the apartment, done another essay and then made breakfast for myself which I'm eating now. I wish I could be this productive when I've had sleep but somehow it never works like that.

Eventually Sapnap came downstairs sauntering because he was still sleepy, some of us wish. He walked right over giving me a hug from behind as I washed some dishes and gave me a kiss on my cheek.

"Morning babe you alright?" He asked

"Yeah I'm good a little tired but I'll live" I replied

"Just to let you know I'll be streaming later" he said

He always tells me when he's streaming because his fans don't know about us and he doesn't want to accidentally reveal anything to protect me which is cute but it gets hard when he streams for hours on end and I need help with something. Sapnap is good about to it though if I really need help I either text him or message him on discord and he'll help but he sometimes doesn't read his messages.

I gave him some of what I made for breakfast and he sat down to eat it while I talked at him about college work that he pretends to care about. He's very supportive of all my college work and he'll let me get on with things if I have to but he will also talk about things with me if I want to. Thats one of the best things about Sapnap is his ability to adapt to how I'm feeling at any given moment and I like to think I'm at least ok at doing the same for him.

After breakfast Sapnap cleaned the rest of the dishes and let me take a shower which was nice and relaxing and woke me up a little bit as the cold water at the start hit my back, usually I would not be under the water as it warmed up but today I felt like I needed a shock to my system to get it going for another day. I had more homework and a lecture to do today so there was no chance for a nap until the evening when it's kind of pointless anyway.

After my shower I got dressed into some sweatpants and a t-shirt because it was comfy for sitting down all day in. Sapnap had got my laptop ready for me and had got me a glass for water which was sweet of him. My lecture was in about 2 minutes so I logged onto the class ready for it to start, when it did I put my headphones on so that Sapnap didn't have to listen to my teacher going on about whatever we were doing today, he always says he doesn't care but even I don't want to listen to it sometimes so there is no way he does.

As I tapped away making notes Sapnap put his hand on my knee rubbing his thumb in circles comfortingly. He does this all the time whether its sat on the sofa like right now or while we're driving somewhere but its safe to say that I love it, it lets me know he's there in a weird way it's like he's acknowledging my presence. At one point he got up and went to the kitchen and when he came back he had my favourite snack which he put between us so that we could share. What a lovely boyfriend he's being today, I'm starting to wonder what he thinks he's done that's he's trying to make up for.

My lecture finally finished after what seemed like and age so I went to get straight on with my last essay that needed submitting by the end of the month but Sapnap shut my laptop before I could get the document open, he grabbed my hand and pulled me up from the sofa and towards the door.

"Come on were going out for a walk" he said

"Why, I have an essay to work on" I whined

"You'll never leave the house if I don't drag you out so come on" he said handing me my shoes

I put them on and grabbed a jacket because according to the weather it was meant to be a little bit chilly out today, Sapnap grabbed the house keys and pushed me out the door onto the street. We don't often go out on walks because neither of us like leaving the house that much if we were to go out it would most likely be in the car to just go for a drive.

The two of us walked down the street holding hands and swinging them back and forth as we took steps forwards. Sapnap clearly had a good idea of where he wanted to go because he was making turns all over the place. Eventually we ended up at the target not that far from our place and we went in looking at everything like you do in target and we topped up on some snacks for a movie night soon.

We left with our snacks and Sapnap dragged me to the nearest park so we could sit outside and get a bit more fresh air. The nearest park is actually the one that we went to on one of our first dates so we have good memories there, on one of the benches by the duck pond is where we had our first kiss and many more after that.

I always love going back to that park with Sapnap because each time we reminisce on the past and talk about the future which seems to change each time we come here. We walked to the exact bench that we had our first kiss on and sat down looking at the scenery. It had changed quite a bit since the first time we were here, there used to be a little play park for kids in the distance but now thats gone and is replaced with a small flower garden instead.

The first time we came here and we talked about the future all we wanted was to still be together after we left for college which of course happened, then the next time we wanted to move in together which we did and now. I'm not really sure what the future holds for us but I'm sure it will be interesting.

"Wow its been so long since we came here we have changed so much and achieved everything that we wanted to" he said

"I know its so weird to think that our last goal was to move in together and now we have been living together for 5 months where do you think we will end up in the future?" I asked

"On man I have no idea but I would love to still be living together and maybe in a bigger place and maybe even be engaged" he said

This shocked me I never expected him to say that but I guess that is the next logical step for us to take in our relationship.

"I like the sound of that" I said  

We went back home and Sapnap went to stream while I worked on my essay he didn't tell me how long he was going to stream for but it will probably be about 3 hours. So I sat down and got on with writing the last 15 pages of my essay which would probably take me the entire time he was streaming maybe longer.

My essay took me almost exactly 4 hours to do but when I tried to submit it it wouldn't upload which happens from time to time. I looked at the upload speed of the WiFi since Sapnap taught me how to do it and it was fine but I assumed that it was being used for something else. This problem has happened before when Sapnap is uploading a video so I assumed that was the issue.

It got up and walked to Sapnap’s streaming room waiting outside for a moment to double check that he wasn't still streaming, I waited a couple minutes and heard nothing so I knocked and went in.

As soon as I went in I saw that Sapnap was still streaming and his face cam was on which meant that I was now on his stream in front of however many people. I've never made such a stupid mistake especially one that outs my entire relationship, I just stood in shock not being able to move and get out of the shot. Sapnap had the exact same reaction his face was filled with shock and fear at the same time.

Nothing prepares you for the moment that you expose yourself live in front of probably 100,000 people or more who will record anything that happens. Nothing prepares you for the chaos that will ensue when you do the before mentioned thing and definitely nothing prepares you for the guilt you feel doing so.

"Um hi y/n" He said trying to make things less awkward

"Hey" I replied shyly

He motioned for me to come over because there was no point trying to hide this anymore since no one will believe anything we say now. I stood next to Sapnap luckily being short enough that I still fit in frame but he had obviously given up caring at this point because he pulled me down into his lap to sit while we talked to his chat. Again he did the thing where he rubs his thumb in a circle on my leg and this time it really was for comfort.

"Well chat this is y/n and shes my... girlfriend" he said

"Hi everyone" I said shyly

"Now chat I'm going to need you to be nice to her or I'll be angry because she is very precious to me" he said

His chat were going insane telling others to clip this and people getting way to excited about all of this and some were asking questions. The whole chat was going so incredibly fast that it was hard to read all the messages.

We answered some of the basic questions like how long we have been together and other things, people also asked if George and Dream knew which of course they did and they have made jokes about Sapnap having a girlfriend but no one ever took it too seriously. At one point dream joined the call and started mocking us for being stupid and exposing ourselves and he told some stories that he knew we wouldn't mind him saying which the chat enjoyed.

I started yawning more and more as I stayed on the stream because I wasn't keeping my mind busy my tiredness was taking over. I leant back into Sapnap to rest my head on his shoulder, he out his hand on my head running it through my hair which is very relaxing.

"Are you tired?" He asked

"No I'm fine I can stay awake" I said

"I don't want to hear it I know you've been awake for over 24 hours so you are going to sleep" he almost demanded

He put his arms around my waist and pulled me into a comfortable position where I closed my eyes and fell asleep almost right away forgetting that Sapnap was still streaming but it doesn't matter.

[kuekyuuq]

Gloria, Jet-lags and Imps [6x11]

Let’s jump right in:

Kinda love how Kara lamp-shaded addressed the fact she didn't tell the gang about her adventures in the PZ. She’s not wrong, tho.

...what do I want to say about Mxy using what's basically a well-known gay-anthem to tell his tale? I mean, it didn’t lead anywhere. The original song is about freeing oneself, liberation, stepping out of a (gone bad) relationship and moving on, stronger for it - empowerment. The only connection I could make, is that originally it was Nyxly’s aim to just do that (freeing herself and her kind from an oppressor), but in the way Mxy performed it, that part of the parallel was long over before he even reached the chorus. It’s also a popular Karaoke song, tho, so... he chose it because it’s catchy? I’ll try not to overthink it for now. At least, the Superfriend’s reactions were fun.

Nia exiting the elevator, "And what's this Old Stone?" I love it when ppl enter a room / situation and pick up on words that they couldn't have possibly heard. I think cinema sins ding such... Are we to assume, she dreamed Mxy's rendition of ‘I will survive’? Or is the elevator not sound-proof at all? (If it’s the latter, Nia later apparently telling Brainy “in private” between scenes / during the elevator ride about her Nyxly adventures, was a silly thing to do.)

So, "Jared" created the ring Old Stone to rule them all, it got shattered into the Paragons totems? Nyxly needs the totems and to get them she needs a crystal which also belonged to "Jared" - who happens to be Mxy's ancestor, which is why she needs Mxy / his blood, too.

I have one important and incredibly relevant question here, tho... 

With the introduced imps and their names... Why’s dude named Jared of all things?!

Really, did I mishear that? If so, I’ll leave it as is and never edit, bc that would be hilarious in its own right 😋

...

Not sure what to make about Supergirl paraphrasing a Dirty Dancing quote.  "Nobody puts Mxy into a power crystal on my watch."  ...is he Baby now? (Seriously, though: Which of the writers thought that was a fitting quote to use in that particular context?)

...now, is the exposition section of the episode over yet?

Sensitive Brainy sensed something was up with Nia. He can relate... Nia doubting Kara would understand, too, is ridiculous. But I get it... insecurities and all. But, I mean, just 5 minutes later Kara announces she wants to save Nyxly despite her wrongdoings. And yet Nia still remains convinced, Kara wouldn’t forgive her own personal mini-me... After having witnessed Kara forgiving Lena for a whole season of the writers being stupid messing up to the nth degree. But I digress, Lena’s Lena.

...how old is Nia meant to be again? Just asking out of completely unrelated curiosity.

F*ck. They really went with NewFoundland...

Imma assume it was an executive choice after realizing they couldn’t find enough actors and actresses with a convincing Irish accent... maybe. Again, no offense to Newfoundland! Just... we got the insinuations of Ireland, not Newfoundland... And truthfully, when I think of magic, Ireland is an easy association. Whereas I only due to this whole debacle learned Newfoundland has Irish ancestry. So, okay, the show forced me to learn something new... I give ‘em that.

An easy journey, she said.

Lena's been off-screen for two whole episodes, Kara announcing at the beginning of ‘Dreamweaver’ [6x09] Lena being “back east” (at least insinuating Lena’s left the west-coast already), which span over at least one full day (feat. a scene at night), and ‘I still rise’ [6x10] at least another a whole day (the whole Nia’s mom back for a day deal). And, now, after at least 48 hours she barely just arrived.

Lemme check how long a regular plane would need to fly from California to NFL......... ... .. .. So... approx. 10 hours with at least one layover. 

Yeah, using a private jet made it easier, but apparently also much, much slower...

Or, Lena randomly went some other places / did some sight-seeing in NFL before she decided to finally visit her mother’s hometown...  [Either that or the timelines don’t match up and Lena’s scenes are flashbacks of sorts.]

Optimistic and relaxed Lena is a sight to behold. I rewound 3 times, just to enjoy it for as long as possible. We all knew it was going to be short-lived... 

Let’s check off a few more items...

OMG, Kara hiding behind Alex at the mere sight of the PZ-projector broke my heart!  😢

"Elisabeth Walsh" is the new 'the one you shall not name'. ...poor Lena. 😭

Oh, so Mxy wants to be Patrick Swayze instead of Baby... gotcha.

...is this going anywhere?

KITTY!!! Okay, this must be the best opponent in the history of CWSG. 

Despite the horrible CGI, SG using her heat-vision to project a laser-beam to distract the cat had me in (happy-) tears! 🤣

Gotta love the civilians of National City quickly returning to business as usual once the giant cat is gone. Even the police officers looked rather chill...

Nyxly did look fabulous this episode ^^ 

Andrea being Lena's rock is both great and annoying. I can't fault Andrea. It's just, that we still have to see an on-screen interaction between Lena and Kara and that bugs the heck out of me. I can’t help it. I’m sorry, Andrea.

Nia: "...is my fault." Kara: "Nu, is MY fault!" J'onn: "Stop fighting, kids!" Space-dad has spoken.

Mxy used an LuthorCorp copy machine... and of cos it's faulty. It's not an L-Corp product.

Kara forgiving Nia came as a surprise to her... Oooookay. I mean, the show has been writing Kara a bit inconsistently the past two seasons... so, yeah, maybe being unsure which of her traits apply this week was not such a far stretch...

Maybe it's the hair, but I wished, Florence was played by Alex Kingston.

So, not-Alex-Kingston shows Lena herself with a funny wig and tells her how her mother was still watching her...

If it wasn't for Katie's acting skills (I love her.) I would have already hit my head against the wall repeatedly. Something about these scenes had me constantly cringe and I made it through 5.5 seasons of this show already... Can’t quite put my finger on it, but it was highly distracting from the story that explained Lena’s mom was special even to another witch, where there was domestic abuse, and an accidental murder. Y’know, important stuff, deep-cutting stuff! 

At least, poor widddle Lena got some closure there. Elisabeth was a good cookie. And filled with magic. And Lena’s gotta have that ‘spark’, too... 

....so... Lena’s gonna stay in NFL for how much longer, to train becoming a witch?  Please, just hand her a how-to manual and send her back home, to figure it out on her own, please... (Yes, that would be horrible decision-making, but I need her back with the team!)

On to the finish line: 

So... Mxy IS Nyxly's brother? Wait, that doesn’t sound right... then Nyxly would have the same blood... Did I miss something? Can someone explain, please? Or is he her ex, and that’s where his rendition of “I will survive” makes sense?

Hnn... I can't help, but think Kara's speech for Nyxly was 85% based on her experiences with Lena in s05.

Awww... he said "stronger together"... Mxy... I hope, you'll be okay!

Lena believes in magic now. And I absolutely love how Lena wants to science magic XD

...but apparently magic isn’t science that hasn’t been explained yet, but parallel... powers? concepts? ether strings?

Nyxly has a loyal henchman now. Which was a bit heavy-handed. Took way too much of screen-time, so it better leads to something interesting.

And Kara is on a warpath now. Wooooot! Girl’s got enough.

...what else? 

Did I miss a third Patrick Swayze hint / quote / mention?  I learned, these things come in threes... Y’know, basic writing rules... 

I guess, for once the episode title was meant to be taken literally, Mxy popping up between characters, to try and help. (I need in-show footage, of Mxy sneaking up on ppl, without his powers, on all fours / crouched, just to get the desired effect.) I mean, I’ve never really watched Malcom, but wasn’t he like what Mxy usually is? A bit of a trouble-maker, prankster, chaos-ensuing wherever he goes? ...well, in that case, the episode title didn’t hold up, as Mxy’s scenes were not fun or really goofy. Yes, there was some superficial humor, but just to serve Mxy dealing with not being able to use his powers, which in turn was only barely scratched at (although it turned out to be his final character development crisis, appreciating not having powers and - in turn - facing consequences for once). Again, a whole lot going on in the episode, so a lot of that may have ended up on the cutting-room floor.

...where’s Kelly? Secretly adopting a kid, maybe?

...Kara’s still a reporter, right? I mean, whenever it serves the immediate plot, yes? ...Not even a throw-away line, that she has to pop up at CatCo for appearances sake? Since Andrea is already upset with her AND looking into her friends’ identities? At least, Kara should take a peek to make sure Andrea hasn’t uncovered anything yet... No?

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. Kue out.

[so-writing]

The Head Tolerates What The Heart Wants - Nolan Patrick (6)

Summary: You and Nolan broke up a few months ago and you’re both conflicted. Chaos ensues.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

-

“I think you’re being too hard on yourself,” Ash set a cup of steaming coffee down in front you, “Nolan’s mad you slept with somebody else while you were single. It doesn’t matter who that person was, hockey player or not, it’s not his business.”

“I know he has no right to be upset but I can kind of see his point. Out of all the men in the world the one I decided to try and move on with was someone he works with and knows personally.”

“Yeah, they’re both in the NHL but I think ‘works with’ is a stretch. They’re not on the same team and probably really see each other when they play each other.”

“It doesn’t matter to him. He sees it as a betrayal and I know it. I felt like we were maybe getting somewhere.”

“Oh please,” she got up from her seat with her empty mug and grabbed your untouched one, “you’re not getting anywhere with him.”

She dumped your mug and set the two of them in the sink before coming back and sitting down right next to you.

“Look at me, I am your friend and I hate that you’re dealing with this bullshit but I can’t keep this to myself anymore. You’re not getting anywhere with Nolan. He’s been nothing but a cold, moody bitch to you since he came back into your life after abruptly leaving it because he was cheating on you.”

“No he hasn’t, not the entire time.” 

“Tell me one time since you ‘reconnected’ or whatever, that he’s been kind to you, like genuinely nice.”

Rolling your eyes at her, you tried to think of a time when you had a friendly encounter with Nolan since seeing him at the bar with the team. It irritated you that you honestly couldn’t think of anything, so you settled on a joke.

“He sent me a picture of his dick. He knows how to use that nicely.”

*

Nolan had been crashing with various teammates, but mostly TK, since he got back to Philly. At first, he couldn’t bring himself to stay at your shared place with all the memories but when Travis informed him you’d been there to get your things, he knew he definitely didn’t want to go there. Seeing the apartment with your things gone wasn’t something he was ready for yet. 

He lived with his parents in Winnipeg, and you were in Pittsburgh in the off season, but two of you decided that when things got serious, you would get a place together in Philadelphia. It would be like a place just the two of you could go to escape everything else. 

*

No one ever caught his eye while he was playing, he was always too focused on the game to care what anyone sitting in the stands looked like. It took him as a surprise when he caught a glimpse of you and even did a double take, causing him to trip over his skates and come crashing down to the ice. 

Half of the arena was cheering over his fall and it annoyed him to no end that you happened to be sitting on that side, a small smile on your lips and a Pittsburgh Penguins logo across your chest. 

He spent the rest of the game ignoring your existence and fighting hard to win the game, though maybe not hard enough, because the Flyers ended up losing anyway.

The trip across Pennsylvania was only a few hours, so the team decided to grab some food before getting on the bus and that’s where Nolan found himself shoved into a small booth next TK, across from Hayes and directly across the aisle from you, alone in a booth with your attention focused on your phone.

“Hey,” TK tried to get your attention, “hey, girl wearing the wrong Pennsylvania hockey logo, want to come sit with us?” 

“And celebrate your loss? Nah, I’m good over here.” 

The dig both impressed and pissed Nolan off. You didn’t care for the Flyers but maybe if you got chummy enough with them, they’d hook you up with some tickets to other Penguins games so you decided to join them and chirp them a little over their loss for the fun of it.

Nolan and the boys left the diner far earlier than he wanted to, but he was more than happy to jump on the bus and sit staring at his phone for the entirety of the trip, only because your number was saved in his phone and he intended to use it to his full advantage.

*

“Patty? You up?”

Nolan ignored Travis and pulled his comforter over his head in an attempt to drown out his bothersome best friend.

“Come on man, stop being a baby.” 

When TK got nothing but silence from behind the guest bedroom door, he tried again, “She didn’t do anything wrong and you know it and I know you know it and I know you know I hate that you know it!”

“Jesus, Teeks,” Nolan muttered to himself as he threw the blankets to the bottom of the bed and tried to figure out what the fuck kind of word salad Travis had just made. 

Nolan wasn’t mad at Travis. He wasn’t mad at you either. If he was being totally honest, he wasn’t really even mad at Barzal. It was just easy to take his aggression out on the Barzy because he was there and he was with you. It was stupid of him to get so aggressive with someone that had done nothing wrong, and he’d never admit it, but he kind of enjoyed taking out his anger on Mat.

“What the fuck are you even saying?” 

Nolan emerged from TK’s spare bedroom with a pissy look on his face.

Travis being the optimist, ignored it and shoved a granola bar and bottle of water into Nolan’s hands. 

“We’ve got an optional skate today.”

“Yeah, I’m aware.”

“I think you should skip it.”

“Why?”

“I think you should go clean out your apartment.”

What? Nolan’s heart dropped into his stomach.

“Travis, what?”

“I think you should go clean out your apartment,” he repeated, “I think you need to face this, whatever it is.”

“Fuck,” Nolan’s voice dropped to a whisper, “I don’t think I can.” 

“I can go with you, if you want. You need to do this, Patty. You told me yourself that you think it’s over. Let’s end it.”

Nolan wasn’t sure what the fuck was happening. As far as he knew, Travis absolutely loved you and he was the hardest on Nolan when he found out about the cheating. Travis had been the one rooting for the two of you to get together in the first place. It was incredibly bizarre that he was now pushing for Nolan to go to your shared place and empty it out. 

“Really, Teeks?”

“Really, Patty.”

“Why?”

It came out much smaller, sadder than Nolan intended.

“Because I said so. You want to end it, right? So let’s go do that.” 

Travis was being uncharacteristically cold and Nolan didn’t quite know how to take that. TK lived in the same building as your shared apartment so the walk wasn’t far, but Nolan insisted on dragging his feet the entire way. 

He pushed the key into the lock and turned the knob, not sure what to expect. Not much had changed about the open kitchen and living room, your plants were still there, dead, but still there. Blankets that belonged to you were still draped across the couch and your candles were still sitting on the coffee table. 

It wasn’t until Nolan got the the bedroom that his walls came down. The closet you shared was half empty and the bathroom cabinets contained none of your skincare products. It wasn’t until he saw the necklace laying on the dresser, that he really broke down.

“Fucking shit,” he picked up the piece of jewelry and admired the glittering N in the center of it, “fuck.” 

“Pats, you good?” 

“No, no Teeks, I’m not.”

*

A month passed and you heard nothing from Nolan. Your contact with Mat began to slow, the two of you deciding to be friends, too busy for anything more. 

It was the first time in a long time that you actually felt free. You missed Mat, but you knew better than to play with fire. You missed Nolan too, but it was considerably less than before. 

“It’s probably in your best interest to keep any hockey boys away from here,” Ash laughed as she followed you into your new apartment in Philly. 

“Trust me, no one that has ever played for the NHL will be here, swear on fucking everything!”

“I don’t think you should make that kind of commitment,” her eyes lit up and she laughed.

“No,” you protested “no, we’re not going out with them tonight!”

The Flyers were home and Ash wanted to party with the team. 

“Yes we are.”

“Please Ash, no.”

“Yes, babe. I promise you’re going to have have fun. Fuck Nolan, these guys are your friends and I know you miss them.”

[lhs3020b]

In a very unexpected moment tonight, I found myself writing something. Yes, some actual fiction. Umm, wow. It’s not particularly-polished, I certainly wouldn’t call it “good”, but nonetheless, here is a thing.

This is a ghost from an old, 2015-era writing project of mine. You probably will have seen bits of it before. This would be the opening portion of the novel, if the novel was still in any way a possibility. The two main characters meet and compare notes on themselves and the confusing mess of the world they live in.

(A passing content note: their world is recovering in some ways and has been worse inside both Tai and Corazon’s lifetimes, but it is not a happy place, and some very bad things have happened. So a measure of reader discretion is advised.)

(Also, yes, the ending is quite abrupt - it’s 2 AM so I should probably consider calling it a night.)

Anyway, have about ~3500 words of fiction...

               ‘We have arrived at the Corazon residence,’ the car said.

               Lieutenant Tai Zhang looked up from her phone. ‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘Lock the doors while I’m out, but don’t drive off. I should only be a few minutes.’

               The car said, ‘For insurance purposes I’m instructed to remind you that I have an anti-carjacking protocol-’

               ‘Yes, yes, of course,’ Tai sighed. ‘If one of the locals tries to put you up on bricks, you’ll zap them with a stun charge and zoom off. And howl for the police. Who may even turn up, who knows. And Dr Corazon and I will have to walk back to the Fleet base. I get it, I get it. Now let me get on with my job.’

               The car took the hint and shut up. It wasn’t a full Tech Mind, of course – no way could the Navy afford their contracting rates – but its social simulation unit wasn’t entirely stupid either. The door unfolded upwards. Hot, damp January air flooded in, along with the smells of the city. Vegetation, oil, a hint of sewage and a whiff of something rotten. Actually, compared to the New Dockside area, this wasn’t so bad.

               Tai climbed out of the car; the door hissed down behind her. She took a look around herself. She was stood on a cracked and pitted curbside. Amazingly, it looked like pre-Contact concrete. There was certainly no sign that it had experienced any recent maintenance. To judge from the fractured blocks, some of which lay out of place, it may well not have had any repairs since the early 2040s.

               ‘At least there is a pavement around here,’ Tai muttered. New London had a lot of dirt tracks; the first tsunami had sunk a good chunk of the old city and the quakes had done for a lot of what survived. Rock One, after all, had come down right in the middle of the North Sea. Whilst it had been the smallest of the two impactors, nonetheless it had been big enough. It was fair to say that coastal and near-coastal Europe had had a bad day.

               Just as the car had promised, Corazon’s house was right in front of her. Tai was interested to note that it was a treehouse, clearly post-Contact. All bulbous and round, big fat leaves hanging over its top. Windows and a door had been incorporated into the bioengineered wood. The house-tree seemed fully grown, and from the lichen on the bark, it had to be at least a few years old. As she looked around, Tai saw that most of the neighbouring dwellings were also treehouses, though confusingly, there was a surviving pre-Contact apartment block on the corner of the street. The brickwork and the old-style PVC windows looked incredibly out of place, the building equivalent of a fly stuck in amber.

               Tai fingered the collar of her uniform jacket. She felt uncomfortably-hot. A glance at her phone revealed that the air temperature was hovering around twenty-five degrees Celsius – not exceptionally hot for the time of year, but certainly enough to be unpleasant. No point wasting any time, then. She needed to go and collect their guest.

               Tai opened the little picket-fence gate in front of the house and started down the path. Next to her, an array of solar panels was tracking the Sun. Corazon’s garden also had a backup wind turbine, parked on the opposite side of the path. Apparently the academic didn’t trust the municipal grid. Honestly, Tai couldn’t blame him, though on the other hand it did seem a bit excessive. After all, this was the 2060s, not the ‘50s. Even a chaotic urban mess like New London averaged about six hours’ reliable electricity per day.

               Tai reached the door. She lifted her hand and knocked smartly on it, rapping three times. It was an Academy instinct, repeatedly burnt into her brain by the Fleet’s officer candidate school. You always knocked three times and waited before entering, unless of course you really liked doing lots of push-ups. This January morning was, in Tai’s opinion, far too hot for push-ups.

               She heard some clattering from inside the house. ‘Wait, wait, I’m on my way!’ a muffled voice said. It was male, with an accent she couldn’t quite place.

               The door opened. Tai blinked. ‘Uh,’ she said.

               The man looked at her, seeming a bit confused. Then recognition flickered across his face. ‘Oh of course!’ he said. ‘You’re from the Fleet, aren’t you. They said they’d be sending a car, though I did wonder if it would actually turn up.’

               Tai managed to recover her surprise. She hadn’t realised that her passenger-to-be was old. From his grey hair and wrinkled face, he couldn’t be under fifty. With a slight shiver, Tai realised what that meant – he’d been born, and had grown up, beforehand. Before all of it happened.

               ‘Dr Carlos Corazon, I assume?’ she said. He nodded. ‘Lovely to meet you. I’m Lieutenant Tai Zhang, and I’ve been tasked with bringing you to the shuttle-dock. We’ll be going up to the Relentless together, for the shakedown flight.’

               Corazon blinked. ‘They’re farming out their officers on taxi duty? The Navy really must be a bit strained.’

               Oh great, Corazon was one of those people who thought the Navy was a waste of time. It was certainly a common opinion throughout AU-Earth. Certainly it wasn’t entirely wrong. Even the most powerful human-built warship wouldn’t do much damage to even a small Spiral Fleet cruiser. Still, Tai felt this criticism missed the point somewhat. Even if the AU-E Fleet was mostly an exercise in public relations, it was still important to show that the AU-E had something to offer to the wider Concordium.

               Also, Corazon had another point, though she doubted he realised it. Tai had no sooner arrived at the ship then she’d found herself immediately ordered off it again, to go and collect some random civilian. She supposed it reflected the last-minute chaos going on within the ship’s complement as it got ready for its first ever flight as an actual ship of the line. A lot of the ship’s officers hadn’t even arrived until yesterday; Tai wasn’t even the latest assignee to make their way to their birth. They were due to undock in less than twenty-four hours; this was not the best use of her time. Tai should be down in Engineering, meeting with her department, getting to know the crew’s names and faces and getting their shift-schedules and duty rosters finalised.

               Instead she was here, stood on a doormat somewhere out in New London’s half-resurrected urban carcass.

               ‘Well,’ she said, ‘the sooner we’re under way, the better.’

               The Relentless was the Fleet’s newest warship; its maiden voyage would also be carrying a complement of notaries. Some of them were journalists, some of them were various apparatchiks linked to the current federal coalition government, and a few were people of note from wider society. Dr Corazon was apparently somewhat known within the astronomical community, presumably hence his invitation.

               ‘Cool,’ Corazon said. ‘Just let me grab my bag…’

               He turned around and disappeared back into the house. Tai fought the urge to roll her eyes at his disorganisation. A few moments later, the academic reappeared, clutching a carry-bag. To Tai’s eyes it didn’t look like he had remotely enough changes of clothes – but, she decided that was his problem and not hers.

               ‘This way,’ she said, gesturing him toward the car.

               He closed the door of the house behind him, locking then double-locking it. ‘Just let me arm the security system,’ he said, pulling out his phone. Tai waited patiently as Corazon fiddled with the keys. Something beeped and he looked satisfied. His phone disappeared back into a pocket. This at least was an urge Tai could understand.

               ‘Lots of crime around here?’ she asked.

               He shrugged. ‘Some. Barnet’s not too bad. There are worse boroughs, it’s actually fairly good around here. Most people on this street have formal jobs, you know?’

               ‘That might attract the gangs,’ Tai noted. ‘Rich neighbourhood and all that.’

               Corazon shrugged. ‘My security system is a licensed Tech Mind unit. Non-sentient, of course, but advanced enough to handle itself.’

               ‘That and a treehouse,’ Tai observed. ‘Those are triffid products. You clearly like your aliens.’

               They started walking toward the car. Corazon said, ‘Might as well get used to it. They’re here to stay, you know. I probably know that better than most.’

               ‘If you don’t mind me asking,’ Tai said, ‘how old are you?’

               Corazon rolled his eyes. ‘I knew that question was coming. I get that a lot. Apparently I’m the first old man some of our undergraduates have ever seen.’

               That was unlikely in practise – even today, about twenty percent of the AU-E’s population had been born before 2040 – but it wasn’t entirely-impossible either. People in the mid-to-late 2040s and the ‘50s had produced a lot of kids, and that was probably just as well given how few of them there had been left. The New Baby Boom was showing signs of cooling down, though honestly, that was probably not a bad thing either. The planet wasn’t in a great state, and overshooting its carrying capacity was probably a bad idea.

               ‘You didn’t answer the question,’ Tai said.

               Corazon looked irritated. ‘No, I suppose I didn’t, did I? All right, if you insist, I’m sixty-three. I was born in 2004.’

               Tai blinked. ‘Shit,’ she said.

               ‘Yeah,’ Corazon agreed. There wasn’t any need to elaborate on that one.

               An awkward silence descended as they approached the car. Tai sent the all-clear to the security system. The doors were folding up and quite suddenly, it began to get dark. Tai felt confused – she couldn’t see any clouds and the forecast for the day had been for clear weather.

               ‘Oh,’ Corazon said. ‘Of course. Right on cue!’ He pointed up at the sky.

               Tai glanced quickly upwards. A big bite was eating the side of the Sun. Corazon said, ‘Parasol Two. Bang on time.’

               Oh, of course. Tai had completely forgotten about the parasol-satellite’s scheduled appointment with the Sun.

               ‘Let’s get in the car,’ Tai said. Even though this was a relatively upscale neighbourhood, she didn’t really want to be stood around on the pavement during the parasol-eclipse. There was such a thing as asking for trouble.

               Corazon needed no urging. Moments later they were both safely ensconced in the car. Outside, smoothly and without fuss, an artificial night was falling over the city. Lights flickered on inside buildings, stars bloomed across the now-nightfallen heavens and a few of the streetlights even turned on. The rest were either broken or missing their bulbs.

               ‘Car,’ Tai said, ‘take us to the Fleet’s dockside complex, please.’

               ‘Acknowledged,’ the vehicle’s electronic voice said.

The electric engine gently purred to life and the headlights came on. The car pulled out from the curb and began its journey through the city.

‘It will rain later, I expect,’ Corazon remarked. ‘Once the Parasol moves over, I mean. The drop in air temperature can drive condensation in the clouds.’

The forecast hadn’t mentioned that, but Tai supposed it wouldn’t be surprising if it was wrong.

‘Do you find the eclipses weird?’ Tai asked. She realised, just a moment too late, that the question was probably too personal and probably too judgemental. Her passenger certainly thought so. Even in the internal lights of the car, his face darkened.

‘Young lady,’ Corazon snapped, ‘I find everything about this world weird. This is nothing like the place I thought I’d grow old in. It’s the same planet, but a different universe. Though I’m sure that won’t make much sense to you. From the looks of you I’m guessing you’re a post-Contact child.’

He was, Tai thought, rather patronising. She wondered if it was deliberate. No, she didn’t think so. It was just how he was. Perhaps this had been normal behaviour, perfectly average for the world prior to June the Eighth, 2040.

‘I was born in 2042,’ Tai said. ‘I never knew my parents. They got Lung Rot and died not long after I was born.’

The academic didn’t appear to have heard her. He was still staring upwards at the sky.

‘No,’ Corazon said, ‘at least the eclipses make sense. Giant mirror-satellites in orbit, blocking out some sunlight, keeping the temperatures down. Stopping a damaged atmosphere from frying the planet. People did have ideas like that, you know, before. The Contact War made it worse, but climate change existed before 2040. Hell, I vaguely remember hearing about it back in the 2000s!’

Tai boggled. ‘You remember back then?’

‘A bit. I was six in 2010, remember? I do recall the family being very upset about something around ‘08, though I didn’t really understand it.’

‘What could it have been?’ Tai asked. ‘There weren’t any problems then!’

‘There was a planet-wide economic collapse,’ Corazon said. ‘Though nothing like as bad as what happened in the Forties – or the Twenties, for that matter. Anyway it hardly matters now. It was something we did to ourselves, without any external help.’ He looked at the sky, and shuddered. A haunted expression flooded across his face. ‘You know, not like that.’

The artificial night had filled the sky with stars. Some of them were moving – spacecraft, on their journeys to and from any number of destinations. A lot of them were concentrated in the direction of the Moon, though there was no surprise there. The Moon was the main reason the Spiral Concordium bothered with Sol and its planets, after all. It was indirectly the source of all this trouble.

But Corazon wasn’t looking at any of that. His eyes were locked on something else, lower down in the sky. It was pitted and cratered, a rough spheroid, greyish in colour. It was currently in crescent phase, hanging low in the sky and close to the artifically-occluded Sun. But there was no mistaking it.

‘Rock Three,’ Corazon said. ‘That fucker. The one that would have ended us.’

It was harmless now, of course. The 3008th Division of the Spiral Fleet had seen to that, stabilising it onto a safe-if-low orbit around the Earth. But the engineers of the New And Bountiful Prosperity Combine had done their work correctly – had Rock Three impacted, it would have been sufficient to end the Earth’s biosphere, and hide all the evidence of New Prosperity’s crimes forever. The Moon would have been theirs, along with all its reserves of precious Lovecraftium, and the uninhabitable neighbouring planet would have been passed off as a tragic cosmic accident.

‘Three hundred miles wide,’ Corazon said. ‘They actually towed it in all the way from the Kuiper Disc. It wasn’t even in our records before they tossed it at us. Not even a tsunami-making rock. An ocean-boiling rock.’

Rock Three was now a de facto second moon and a permanent fixture in the Earth’s skies, but it was also something that had very nearly been the tombstone for an entire planet. For all the horror they had inflicted, for all the hundreds of millions of people they’d killed, Rocks One and Two had merely been the opening salvos.

‘And of course they tossed in Lung Rot,’ Tai said. ‘As a nice little fuck-you parting-shot.’

‘Yeah, had that.’ Corazon looked grim, then he shrugged. ‘Wasn’t fun. It was like doing Covid all over again. Just joyous. Gotta love hacking up fungal slime out of your own alveoli all day.’

He shuddered. It was a whole-body convulsion.

The Contact War and the two Rocks had been bad, but it was Lung Rot that had done the real, lasting damage. During the early Forties, people had been dying fast enough that the survival of the species had seemed in question for a time, though in practise the Spiral Concordium would never have allowed that. Even if it required raising a cloned population somewhere else, in some carefully-sterilised biodome on some other planet, the Concordium would not have allowed an actual extinction-event. The whole point of the galactic union, for all of its many flaws, was preventing exactly that sort of horror. The Contact War itself should never have happened, of course, but once the Concordium had belatedly become aware of what New Prosperity was doing, they had moved to shut it down. New Prosperity no longer existed; the entire organisation had been declared traitors and anyone who survived the Battle of Earth had been mercilessly hunted down. If there were any former Prosperity scions left out there somewhere, they knew better by now then to advertise their survival.

Lung Rot had been a vicious punch in the face, a final little parting-present from New Prosperity, the spores air-dropped into multiple locations across the Earth even as the Combine’s forces crumbled under the Spiral assault. No-one was really sure why they’d done it. It had gained them nothing; if Rock Three had left any questions unanswered, then Lung Rot surely had removed any doubt about the Combine’s intentions. Their fall had been absolute, from one of the oldest, wealthiest and most-celebrated organisations in the Milky Way to one of the most-despised collections of traitors who had ever lived.

Suddenly, Tai had to talk. The urge was abrupt, dominating, complete. It was probably also a bad idea, but you didn’t always get the choice with these things. The words were flowing from her mouth, and like it or not, they weren’t going to just magically turn off.

‘My earliest actual memory is when they sprayed the camps,’ Tai said. ‘I was in one of the refugee ones, just another orphaned toddler. I had a cough by then, of course. Everyone did. There was space in our tent – a lot of people had been taken out. New people weren’t coming in, not anymore. I didn’t really know what it meant then, of course. But then one day people were – excited? It was weird. I’d never seen them like that. There was suddenly not any crying. People were hugging each other and smiling. I remember they pulled me out of the tent. People were coming out of the tents, everywhere. There was an actual crowd. Cheering, even! It was some triffids that came through. They were pulling a spray-tank. They sprayed all of us – one of them even shoved the nozzle in my mouth!’

‘And the retroviral agent re-wrote your lungs,’ Corazon noted. ‘So they now secrete a natural fungicide, keeping the Lung Rot mycelium at subclinical levels. Yeah, something similar happened to me. Kind of crazy, one of the happiest days of my life, you know? The day in 2045, when the aliens came to genetically-engineer all of us.’ He shook his head. ‘Flying saucers spraying the cities with bio-agents, and people dancing in the streets below! Would’ve been unimaginable just ten years before.’

This chatter was, of course, a normal thing. Tai had had lots of conversations like this. It was quite an average event for people to compare their traumas – virtually everyone living in the AU-Earth had some emotional burden that they were carrying around with them. It was true that social conditions were improving – things were merely “bad” now, rather then the “borderline-apocalyptic” of twenty years previously – but an important part of getting to know someone was trying to gently figure out where their personal sore spots and pain-points lay. Triggering someone into a flashback episode was generally considered to be a social faux pas, especially if it was done deliberately. There were also practical concerns too. It was difficult for a workplace to function if half its staff were either lying on the floor sobbing or had been driven to flee the building by their own inner demons.

Corazon sighed, shrugged and opened his bag. Tai read that as his cue to dismiss this topic. He’d said his piece. And so, she supposed, had she. He knew not to mention the camps, she knew not to mention Lung Rot. They’d told each other what they needed to know, and now it was time to move smoothly onwards.

To Tai’s surprise, he pulled out a pair of knitting needles and a ball of wool. Moments later, a pair of half-finished socks emerged. ‘I am glad someone decided to save the sheep,’ he remarked. ‘We lost so many of the others.’

Lung Rot had been aimed at humans, of course, but the mycelium was at home in any warm, enclosed, moist, dark space. There had been extinctions all throughout Class Mammalia. A whole host of species now only existed as captive populations in carefully-maintained bio-domes, and they were the lucky ones. Someone had cared enough to try to rescue them, during the end of the world.

And the less said about that, the better.

‘You like knitting?’ Tai asked.

Corazon nodded. ‘Actually I make sixty percent of my income from it. My lectureship is nice, but academia is more like a hobby with an office.’ He started up on the socks, the needles twisting and twirling through a series of moves that Tai’s eyes struggled to follow.

‘You sell socks?’ Tai asked. It didn’t surprise her that Corazon had a side-hustle – the AU-Earth’s budgetary situation was tight, and that was very visible in public sector salaries. It was just as well that Tai’s role as an officer came with government-subsidised housing, because there was no way she could afford anything minimally-pleasant on the private market.

‘No, scarves, usually,’ Corazon said. ‘They’re mostly bought by ash lizards. I got into it almost by accident, when I went to Nine Shadows And Six Rivers back in ’52. Took my needles and stuff with me, made a scarf on the ship out. It was just something to do, you know? But when we arrived I gave it to one of our liaison team, as a gift – and they loved it. Before I knew it I had a waiting-list of gender-bending alien lizards, who all wanted individual knitted scarves.’ He snorted. ‘I got to live the high life out on Nine Shadows, while the rest of the exchange group had to slum it, down on the cheap floors of the arcology.’

‘Oh of course,’ Tai said. ‘They like decoration, don’t they?’

‘They don’t go in for clothes in quite the way we do – heat retention messes up their metabolisms something chronic. But they do go in for decoration. Necklaces, wrist-sheathes, sashes. Scarves. Natural materials are particularly-prized.’ He shrugged. ‘Who would have known that knitted goods would be a key export from this planet?’

[anteroom-of-death]

Life, For Dummies p4

a/n: any one out here wilding? i’m just vibing and writing comes when you ave zero braincells left...

Waking up was a struggle, you’d never slept that deeply or that well. The combination between a long, hot shower and Earth-shattering sex made it all too easy to sleep. You were so, so sore, but it was good. You admitted you hadn’t been fucked like that, heavens, at all if not for a long while. You looked at the large mirror across from your bed, lifting up your shirt. You had a few book-related bruises. 

Stretching and feeling out the fact that you obviously didn’t have your sea legs yet. Your knees and thighs were wobbling and weak.

Then you caught it in the reflection. The collar- your collar. You half- thought it was just a fever dream. But it was real, and it’s weight was light but suddenly very noticable. The ring pressed against your larynx, the bow at the back felt oddly graceful as you flexed your neck to get a better look. 

You finally allowed yourself to cry- this was what dreams were made of. (hey now, hey now!) You were exhausted already, you were happy. You felt light years away from where you were before the Master whisked you away. Hell, the last time you saw the Doctor seemed just a memory. 

So much had changed. You felt completely different. Yes, you had all your same traits, likes and dislikes. But a week with the Master? Chaotic, mind blowing, devastating, beautiful, enriching and most of all, beyond your wildest dreams and even your deepest darkest wishes.

You definitely were different. The collar around your throat and the bruises and sore, stiff muscles proved you were. Not only were you having a tea party with the Devil, but you were the Devil’s whore. 

It was wicked, and all too amazing. He treated you well for the most part. Very well. For only knowing you a week, he seemed to harbor no true ill will. 

You got dressed and wracked your brain, reconciling everything finally and putting thoughts in boxes where they needed to go. It was slow, but needed. And time really did not matter anymore. You splashed yourself with cold water from the sink and prepared yourself mentally for outside your solitary walls. You had no clue what was waiting outside and you needed to put yourself out of any more revieries that might pop up. You had a lot of thoughts, and a lot of places to add up. Obviously, pro and con lists were out of the questions these days.

You supposed if this was a standard exchange of power, that rules and limits would be in place, but there was already the imbalance of aliens with knowledge of all of history, time travel, and space. Humans were simpler and had an equal footing. Therefore it was always up for debate.

You were halfway through finishing your daily SPF and thought about what if’s. Where was this all going? You couldn’t ask, obviously. He made it all up as he went along as much, if not more than the Doctor.

Poor Doctor, you allowed yourself to think, picks you up from your mundane routine only for you to better fit in with her best enemy. 

Her loss, his gain.

Things added up, morals and ethics wise. The Doctor could be just as callous and just as insane, yet hid behind the greater good. She was a spoonful of sugar whereas he was castor oil. Twin sides of a coin…

You shook yourself from these thoughts. Too much to process in one morning for you, especially without caffeine to mainline. 

You finished up and made your way out after stretching and taking a few excedrin you found rattling around the medicine chest. This TARDIS was incredibly intuitive and even materialised all your usual products you used. Or maybe the Master read your mind and supplied them. Either way, it was a big help…

You made your way out and sat down to an already piping hot mug of coffee and a tinkering Master. Your heart and stomach gave a flutter. You rolled your eyes at your over-eagerness.

“You’re finally up, I was worried that I’d have to physically go in there…”

You sloshed into yourself, “How long was I actually asleep?”

“19 hours. I think that qualifies as a coma with you humans.” 

“I obviously needed to sleep.” You talked into your coffee mug. It tasted good. Strong, a little crunchy, very much the perfect cup you didn’t have to add anything to.

“Mmn, you made this?” You asked, pointing to the mug held loft in your hand.

“Of course, I know how to make coffee, spent years on the Outback of Australia, I got bored, I know how to be perfect at everything…”

“Yeah, sure, perfect at everything.” You rolled eyes again, this time at him. 

“I am the Master.”

“Alright, alright.” You gave a concessional hand. You stared into your coffee and contemplated breakfast. You weren’t usually a big fan of eating in the morning, but all things considered you scraped yourself away from the coffee and started looking through the cupboards to see if anything was appealing to you in the moment. Nothing seemed terribly tasty so you just grabbed a bowl of random cereal and some sort of liquid you assumed was oat milk by the scent. 

You felt his eyes studying your back the entire time, you didn’t know if it was in an observational manner or just perversely taking a peek at your backside. 

“You like the show?” You demanded jokingly. 

“Of course, pet…” He leaned back and placed the device he had down. It was a long silver and gold rod with three prongs at the tip. “I see my pretty little pet has found her pretty little treat.” He went over and flipped a strand of your hair and fingered the collar at your neck before stroking at your sternum. He smiled down and flexed his lips open. The lighting made his teeth glitter dangerously. 

The dim lighting really brought out a beautiful tone to his lips. You tried to return to your cereal, but you pecked him on the cheek and steered yourself to a seated position. Temptation could take a temporary back burner. You had to get some semblance of nutrition into you.

He joined you at the table. 

“I was thinking of a few ideas, but I wanted your input.” 

“Really?” 

“Yes, really, I can more than enough make my own choices, but to spice it up, why not get some feedback? What chaos shall be wrought today?” He bent over the table, disregarding the personal space needed to eat a bowl of cereal and let actual brain-processing happen. 

“What all did you have in mind?” You scooted back infinitesimally and tried to finish breakfast quickly. 

He quickly pointed to some post-it notes, “Here’s the name of an intergalactic crime boss who owes me a few favors, figured we could go and rough him up until he squeals, giving me the powerful weaponry we all know he has. Or, here’s a plan to visit a certain set of pepper pots and make some deals that most definitely will backfire, but it would be great fun to see them get frustrated and deny the fact that they can get frustrated. Or I was thinking of visiting Earth and teasing Torchwood and UNIT around early 2000’s Cardiff, you know, for funsies. Oh! What if we went back to Raxacoricofallapatorius and destroyed their nursery?” He was spinning around and fluttering between notebooks and sketches including one where he was strangling a person in an army uniform and a handlebar moustache. 

“Jesus, how fast does your brain go?” You massage your temples…

“Too much? Huh? What would you suggest then?” He pouted, placing a hand at his hip and jutting it out.

“Why don’t we just start slow and nothing Earthly? Crime boss seem good? Simple even…” You slurped the milk off the spoon, “But lemme finish Breakfast first!” Pointing it at him, “Slow your roll. Savor the day. Do you Time Lords even sleep?”

“Rarely.” 

“Wow, that explains so much.”

He querched an eyebrow, “And what would that be, love?” The love felt oddly formal, not like being called a pet. 

“I’ve only met two of you, mind, so I might be generalizing...but the high energy. Like... “ You pressed your fingertips together, “Napping? Don’t you enjoy finding a good place to sleep during the day and just sleeping and enjoying the restfulness and sensations of the sun through a window and maybe a breeze if you open it a bit.”

“No, I’d love to try it, sounds pleasurable…”

“And you said that you were the Master of Everything.” You false-scandalized then laughed, cupping his face and smiling at him. It was great. He really made you laugh in one of those cheesy, stupid ways.

“I could punish you for talking down to your Owner…” He teased right back.

“Oooh...dirty.” You gave a salacious wink.

You could feel the “You have no idea…” radiating from his pores.

“Come along, my pet…” He pulled you from the table and over to the console, “We got a crime boss to torture…”

He punched in the coordinates and grabbed his jacket, then pulled you out the door…

You were toasting your success in the newly acquired weapons-room that now belonged to, as he poured you a little more champagne. 

You oddly enjoyed helping torturing the poor sap. He squirmed and you enjoyed him blanching from pain. 

The machine you saw him working on was a laser screw-driver? And he gave it to you as he was attaching some high tech hand-cuffs to the man. He told you that the controls were intuitive and to “give it a whirl...see how that grabs you…” Watching the gross little green man scream and shake around, flushing and pleading- felt good. Felt powerful. It brought you a tingle of pleasure and you could see why the Master was fond of it. The device felt good in your hand and after the second whorl of your wrist, it felt like a natural extension. It felt right to hold it in your hand and be able to grasp such power. 

A bit of sadism? Then champagne? And the thrill of a steal? All felt like an adrenaline rush.

What were you becoming?

A shred of our conscience echoed about the fact that you, obviously, had to kill him, something the Master allowed you to turn into him and avert your eyes as he shrunk his body and flicked it into a drainage gate. He knew your limits and didn’t go past what he knew you could currently take. You grimaced a bit as you heard a tiny clink. That was a tad harsh. 

All in all, a busy day... 

He was busy cataloging and cooing at all the tech he had access to his as he put it “fun, evil plans”...

It was hilarious and so endearing to watch. He was like a kid in a candy shop. Soft, feral, incorrigible. 

You determined that a small nap whilst tipsy and moonstruck was a great gift to yourself. You felt the collar and played idly with the diamond heart until you blacked out. 

You woke up to him watching you. “One of those fabulous little naps you talked of?” He stroked your thigh and massaged the fabric of your shorts. You pulled yourself up and propped yourself up on your elbows and coyly smiled, “Care to join me?” You winked, “Take a walk on the wild side. It’s a real treat. After that...who knows?” You teased him. 

He considered it and then loosened the buttons, and took off his jacket before laying it down and rolling up his sleeves. He laid down and you offered him to slide up to you. He obliged stiffly but soonly gave in. You spotted his chest hair and stared at it for a moment. You then acted, you traced it, mildly twirling your finger in its mass, he shuddered and then left you to continue. You laid down your head on his chest and felt his hearts pounding between two different beats. 

He murmured, “Keep the screwdriver. A little gift. From me to you…” You felt his hearts hitch a bit.

Sighing, you told him, “Relax." You let out a sleepy little moan. You embraced the warmth of his body and soothing echoing in his chest like a whitenoise machine. "You're doing excellent.." The Master eased up and you felt yourself ease up and drift off. You dreamt of falling through water and waves and the scent of fires and musk. You could feel a pair of eyes watching you, but they felt nonjudgmental, just guiding you deeper down. Deeper under the spell of sleep and total darkness. 

[mittensmorgul]

eeeee I’m very happy that a dead Cas is now officially chuck's ideal ending. (Kind of? I mean,,,, he told Sam that what he showed him is what would happen if TFW won, but it was still the ending *Chuck* has been wanting.) either way! It’s now textually part of the What We Absolutely Can’t Let Happen package!

Lol, I mean, a dead Sam and Dean are officially part of Chuck’s ideal ending, so it’s kinda like... if Chuck is targeting you like that, if he specifically and horrifically wants you off the table that bad because he knows that with you alive then his plans fall apart... yeah...  

Which, honestly... explains an awful lot why Chuck’s spent so much effort keeping Cas busy with other stuff in the past. I’m entirely rethinking s6 and s7 here, because this explains so much. It’s not that Cas was being controlled by anyone, but after 5.22, Cas... poked at things. He let (half of, anyway) Sam out of the cage, he stood up to Raphael who was scheduled to finish the apocalypse, and then he teamed up with Crowley to hoover all the souls out of Purgatory. 

I mean Chuck was probably giddy with anticipation over the leviathan getting freed, you know? He didn’t even have to interfere to bring on his monster apocalypse. Just sit back and watch the chaos. He didn’t even mind Death nudging Dean in the right direction a few times, because Dean was so busy with his own immediate problems he couldn’t figure out Death’s hints in time to stop Cas anyway... And then Cas inadvertently and conveniently cleared himself off the table once the monsters were free. And yet... something about this wasn’t entirely satisfying, and Cas was brought back without his memories and stashed away to what... to give Dean a bit of hope that Chuck could just dash again? Because then Cas stashed himself away AGAIN after fixing Sam and taking on the trauma that was killing him, and then stashed himself in Purgatory for a while before coming back as an unwitting pawn of Heaven.

I think Chuck enjoys watching Cas go through this over and over again.

“Punishment resurrection.”

But s15 TFW isn’t the same fractured and scattered TFW from s6. They know Chuck’s God. And they know he’s the antagonist who keeps pushing them through more and more horrific versions of his own ugly story.

Billie is not OG Death, and she’s willing to bide her time and plan.

Sam is not soulless. He’s been through all of this before, and he’s endured, and he’s gonna endure again. He may have had his hope shaken a bit, but I don’t think that’s something Chuck can actually take from him entirely. As long as he’s alive, there’s a chance.

Dean is not the grieving, out of the loop shell of himself he was in s6. He knows what’s going on now, even if everything seems kinda bleak... He’s already established that in addition to Sam (who’s not in hell or soulless now), he also needs Cas in his life, even if it’s just the two of them sitting at the table commiserating. 

And Cas... finally understands that Dean wants him to stay, needs him to stay, and that every time Dean has told him this before (even if it was worded differently, because Dean struggles to express himself directly) Cas had left anyway-- for Dean’s own safety, to shield Dean from having to do something terrible, to sacrifice himself so Dean wouldn’t have to-- Dean didn’t care because all he could see was I asked him to stay and he left anyway. I am not enough. I am not worth staying for. And now in Purgatory, they finally began to have that conversation. Cas got a win for Dean, a year worth of s8 prayers that Cas had heard have been condensed into a single prayer that finally brought them together instead of convincing Cas he needed to keep running away to protect Dean. Instead of shoving Dean through the portal and staying behind, Cas waited at the portal for Dean and they walked back through together. Almost like ALL of the things that have been haunting Cas and driving him to penance since s6 have at least begun to be addressed and resolved in s15.

What were we talking about at the top of this? I think I’ve gone off on a tangent again...

RIGHT! Chuck’s gotta nerf Cas for his plot to work out.

It’s wild, right? Because Chuck’s whole “This Is Your Future Life” episode he crafted to convince Sam that locking him away with a Mark is a terrible idea that can only end one way... Do you know how frustrating it must’ve been for Chuck to have to stop them from caging him? Because it was a double-edged sword. I mean, on the one hand, I’m sure he LOVED the idea of Cas slowly going mad with the Mark until Dean was compelled to lock him in a ma’lak box and bury him right along with his hope and happiness, but if they had succeeded in casting that spell, then CHUCK WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN ABLE TO WATCH HIS FAVORITE SHOW. Like Amara in that same cage, his fun would’ve been over.

Can’t watch all the suffering if you’re locked in a cosmic dungeon!

It’s incredibly funny to me that Chuck convinced Sam that his nonsensical “future” was a true seeing, that he “shared his omniscience” with Sam with that watch. Because the one thing the show has demonstrated over the years that Chuck sincerely hopes they’ve forgotten, is that you can’t change the past, but the future is never set in stone until it comes to pass. And the future is built on choices.

Chuck can account for a lot of things, but he can’t account for Free Will. He can nudge, he can remove options, he can create roadblocks leaving only terrible choices open to them that will have awful consequences or require painful sacrifices, but... TFW has never completely done what they’re told, you know? Cas is the original “spanner in the works,” and Edlund once commented that yes, he has a “crack in his chassis,” but it’s a crack through which great things come. But Sam and Dean also have this frustrating and fascinating gift to stymie Chuck’s plot. 

And this is the true power of TFW. I think this is the tool they need to fully understand for themselves in order to finally win. They’ve been edging around it for a while, but Chuck always finds some way to foil them when they start getting close to examining their own wants. Like every time Dean starts talking about being able to take a vacation, or feeling hopeful that the future looks a little less bloodsoaked for them, Chuck steps in and throws them a monster of a curveball. Last time Dean started up with the toes-in-the-sand talk, he’d been possessed by AU Michael by the end of the episode, and crushed like a bug, his free will rendered entirely irrelevant. No amount of fighting against Michael, of telling him to get out, was able to free him. And then Chuck showed up again to hammer the lesson home. Only they learned a different lesson from the one he was trying to teach.

Heck, that’s another frustrating thing for Chuck, isn’t it? TFW has a long, long history of doing that.

Dabb even tweeted lyrics from “The End” by the Doors before this episode aired. Because this was a 5.04 redux, in a lot of ways. The circumstances of the future that Chuck imagined to horrify Sam may be entirely different, but the premise, the themes, the structure of it all... it’s functionally identical. But that was a distraction of sorts, as well. The other episode this referred back to... was 9.18.

Metatron showed his hand, revealed his process, and it’s identical to Chuck’s, because Metatron was just playing God, in the exact same way Chuck always did. He was a writer.

CASTIEL: And you did all this to make me a hero?METATRON [laughing]: Ah, that's priceless. Um no. You are not the hero in this mess-terpiece. You are the villain. I'm the hero.

and

METATRON: Didn't quite turn out as I'd planned, but that is why we rewrite. That was God's problem, you know... he published the first draft. You got to keep at it till you get all your ducks in a row.GADREEL: Was the Winchesters grabbing me part of your plan?METATRON: That was a surprise. But, hey, what writer doesn't love a good twist? My job is to set up interesting characters and see where they lead me. The by-product of having well-drawn characters is...They may surprise you. But I know something they don't know...the ending. How I get there doesn't matter as long as everybody plays their part.

Chuck also thinks he knows the ending. He’s absolutely convinced-- a la Lucifer’s conviction in 5.04 that “no matter what choices you make, we’ll always end up here,” and Metatron’s conviction that the ending was always destined to happen, couldn’t account for the true nature of humanity. Lucifer never saw it, because he never bothered to look for it. Metatron only saw it after he’d been rendered human himself. And Chuck? He thinks he understands, that his “omniscience” gives him a complete understanding of his creation, and yet... there’s things that humanity has created that he could never have dreamed up for himself.

He was right back in 11.22 (oh, hello Bobo episode again) when he told Amara that creation needed to be born, that it became something better than them. And yet Chuck can’t stop inflicting his own tired, formulaic story on his favorite characters. Because Amara was also right about him, that he was also greedy, and selfish, and only wanted to feel “big.” Chuck admitted that to Becky in 15.04, until he got over his writer’s block and started writing with a vengeance.

Wait, what was this about again? *scrolls up*

OH! Right! Nerfing Cas so the writer can have his way with everyone else. Kind of a long-standing tactic, no? And it’s not even about limiting Cas’s angel powers, but about Cas himself, and what he means to TFW. And it’s taken Cas a VERY long time to even begin to understand this. It’s not what he can do for them, it’s not being “useful” or “powerful” or being able to wave a hand and whoosh away the bad guy. It’s about him being HIM. It’s about him standing up to Dean and telling him he’s being stupid, and Dean listening and following him when if they’d gone their separate ways they both probably would’ve failed in Purgatory. It’s about them having each other’s backs and anticipating each other’s needs, and knowing that they aren’t alone and are wanted and needed because they are the best friend the other has ever had. And there’s something to that very human connection, that very human concept of family and love that Chuck... is incapable of understanding.

Whenever love rears its ugly head, Chuck rushes in to crush it. Because in love lies hope, lies a power that he can’t beat down. It’s a plot twist he can’t write his way out of.

Amara tried to give the very beginning of that to Dean in 11.23, to give him a chance to understand Mary, and Chuck couldn’t abide it. Jack is too powerful in a mojo-way, sure, but his true power for all of TFW was love. And Rowena-- pushed into self-sacrifice after Chuck “pinataed Hell”-- her entire journey into TFW had been about love.

Remember the plot of Metatron’s narrative? Love, and heartbreak, and love? Yeah. Remember how he thought he defeated Cas? By killing Dean Winchester? Yeah.

Big picture themes time? Chuck tried to drive wedges between TFW and everything they love. And has been trying to force his own contrived romance plots on them. But Chuck doesn’t understand love at all.

That’s their one true weapon against Chuck, if they each can learn to wield it.

How did my intended lol response to your question turn into this? That’s the cosmic lol for you.

[nomadmilk]

Why the God Isn’t Bored on Midgard - Loki x F!Reader Drabble - 5

Summary: With Ragnarok decimating Asgard, Thor and Loki and their people return to Earth searching for refuge. Everyone else has seemed to settle, except for Loki - the God of Mischief and Chaos - who isn’t willing to live the domesticated Midgard life, and getting utterly bored out of his mind... Until he discovered you.

Word Count: 2.2K

Warnings: Rated M/18+.  Sexual tension, maybe? But there IS sexual content. Loki being a little dominating... 

Author’s Note: I hope this one is okay ^-^ I’ve been working ridiculous shifts since the beginning of September, and I’m super tired (I’m sorry!) but I wanted to get this part done... I should get a better detailed summary now that it’s turning into some kind of series, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it... ERM, enjoy! Hope you like it ^-^

Here are the other parts to the series: Part 1     Part 2 Part 3     Part 4 Part 5     Part 6 Part 7     Part 8 (First Half)     Part 8.5 (Second Half) Part 9

Lying in bed, you hold the remote in your hand, blinking slowly. Your breathing was content, concentrated, and slow. You could hear the rumble from the sheets, and you felt conscious if anyone heard them too. Loki was merely on the other side of the door but, by the sound of his footsteps fading away, he hadn’t heard a thing.

You had been testing out the sex toys your new job had given you and had easily found a favorite you couldn’t stop using. The vibrations felt stunning, it tended to the right spot, and the orgasms were incredible every time. It was definitely the product you were going to up sell when working at the store.

Unbeknownst to you, the God of Chaos knew exactly what you were doing. It took him a while to figure it out why you had been spending an awful amount of time in your room recently. But after a while, and when you began to be careless of his presence again, the sound of your gasps caught in his ears and he fit the pieces together.

But he was agitated. A little unfocused over things, knowing what you were doing. He’d go to work, teach his lecture, be slightly irritated by the stupidity of some of his students, then leave to his office on campus. His head would be down onto some papers, and he’d take his break with reading something for leisure, but the thought of you would cross his mind.

“Brother?” Thor let himself into his office.

“How-“ Loki shook his head. “What do you want?”

“I have something to tell you that I thought would be of interest-”

“Can’t you tell I’m busy?”

“You’re not.” Thor points to the book in his hand, curious. “That’s a book you’ve been reading since the last time I saw you… Shouldn’t you be finished with that by now? You’re the fastest reader I know.”

“Probably the only medal I’d ever win between the two of us.”

“That’s odd.” Thor sits in front of him. “Don’t think I’d ever hear that statement.”

“What do you mean?”

Thor folds his arms. “You honestly saying something humble, yet in pity. What’s bothering you?”

There’s a pause; Loki was almost shocked at Thor’s interpretation of himself. Most of the time the limelight was on the God of Thunder but, after significant events, recently Loki had been acknowledged as his retrospective equal. But Thor has never been one to exactly pinpoint and regard Loki’s emotions.

Thor raised an eyebrow. “Have you even tried being nice to her?”

“Who?” Loki asks, almost abrasive.

“Maybe it would be a nice surprise if-“

“What did you want to tell me in the first place? Was it about Valkyrie?”

“Oh! Yes!” Thor clapped his hands together. “It was very funny, you see, there was this tree..”

As Loki continued to mildly listen to Thor’s story, he breathed a sigh of relief to himself about the topic change.

Although, maybe he should have chosen a topic he could have actually paid attention to, as his thoughts ran into you again.

The conversation in the home office, and the confrontation in your bedroom, had somewhat changed your attitude towards him. You were able to tolerate his presence more, and you were able to hold eye contact with him without turning beetroot red, which Loki couldn’t admit to himself that he missed… However, now that awkward silences were out of the way, Loki could really see your untamed side, and all its rough edges.

Your burst of confidence to fight back was refreshing, almost invigorating. When you pivot away from him, he loves the way you leave. Sometimes he can see a familiar bright twinkle in your smile…

Loki didn’t understand his reactions, in all honesty. He knew he felt different.

However, both of your lives continued outside the apartment walls and, whilst you were out on your new job, Loki had been burying himself in his work, prepping for an important lecture coming soon. The home office had extended to the living room for the day as Loki had summoned his old battle armor on a mannequin. The students needed to have some visual stimulus, and what other way to aid that than his own genuine piece of armor. Well, they didn’t need to know that the suit was real, but Loki figured it would do the job.

He even called Thor to see if he could borrow his, and hopefully this would be enough to get the students memorizing a few things on ancient history. And, after being skeptic about his brother’s request on the phone, Thor decided to visit his brother donning his battle suit.

“You idiot.” Loki massages his forehead. “I said to just take the armor with you, not wear it. You must have looked like a lunatic.”

Thor shrugs. “No, not really. The humans seemed to recognize me a lot faster.”

Loki rolls his eyes. “You don’t have a spare change of clothes either?”

“Why would I need that?”

The Prince let out an exasperated sigh.

Thor walked over to a cupboard, easily locating his personal box of PopTarts, and began munching on one. “Hmm… So, what is all this?”

As the mannequin of Loki’s armor stood in the middle of the room, the dining table was covered with open books and a few papers, some written by historians and some mythologists, splayed out across the surface and sitting on chairs. Thor saunters over to scan over the novels, picking one up and skim reading it; all the books were open to Midgard’s take on ancient Norse tales.

Thor raises an eyebrow to his brother. “Some of this is wrong.”

“I know.” Loki folds his arms.

Placing the book down, Thor points his PopTart at him. “But you’re feeling content, aren’t you? You seem very invested in this.“

“If you’re suspicious in me meddling with mortal minds again-“

“Oh, Loki,” Thor laughs, a beam on his lips, “It’s been a while since I’ve heard you do anything troublesome, so something must be keeping you occupied. But I don’t think it’s this Midgard work at all.”

The God of Mischief glowers. “What do you want now?”

“To invite you.” Thor says, his mouth opening up to his fifth PopTart. “Stark has another party happening in his tower. He would like for you to come.”

Loki only needed a second of recollection Stark drunk. And he didn’t need another experience of that. “No.”

Thor wasn’t surprised by his answer. Although before he could speak and reason with his brother, the sound of the front door causes them to turn around.

You stumble a little as you see the two of them, and then frown at the state of papers and books everywhere. “Hello?”

Thor greets you first. “Are you in the mood for some festivities?”

“Uh.” You blink. “What kind of festivities?”

As Thor explains the details, Loki watches. He places his hands in his pockets, noticing your face and the way it scrunches in your usual confused expression. He’s not really listening to Thor’s persuasion, as it was quite endearing to watch your façade change into an ever-growing beam.

Soon enough, you departed the room with a hug from Thor, not batting an eye to Loki.

Thor grinned at Loki triumphantly; Loki glared at him from across the room.

“I know what you’re trying to do.” Loki catches his brother halfway through the door.

Thor looks Loki up then down, stopping in the midst of shutting the front door. “Do you?”

With Thor disappearing, Loki closes his eyes for one last sigh.

As the first few minutes began to pass into the evening, Loki could see you panicking a little. The clock ticked by, you were popping in and out of the bathroom with a change of hairstyle every time. As the sun began to set, you had settled on your hair but was now trying on every dress that Loki had not seen you wear before; floral dresses, red dresses, black dresses that had trousers instead of skirts…

It was less than ten minutes till Thor’s arrival. Loki left his bedroom, pulling on a blazer and completing his ensemble; he thought it best to go with his black and white suit. The state of the living room reverted back to normal as he used his Siedr to clean all of the essays and anthologies back into his office. However, he had left his battle armour still in its place in the centre of the room.

He liked having it there.

You hadn’t said a word to each other since you got back home; Loki had thought it impossible to speak to you or make any remarks.

Which was odd because it wasn’t like him to not make any.

You step into the living room from the hallway in a dress that catches his eye; a velvet, deep green dress. It was simple yet stunning, and beautifully accentuated you. Your eyes seemed to flutter, and every step you took made him stare longer.

You fumble with some high-heel shoes that are in the living room, crouching down and checking them all and muttering disapproval to all of them. With your back towards him, you still don’t seem to address his existence, but he still couldn’t stop staring at you, especially when you bend over and your dress exquisitely carved-

“Can’t find anything in this..” He hears you mutter angrily.

At an observed inspection, he sees the zip of the dress on your spine not done up properly. “Y/N, your zip.”

You don’t even hesitate as you stop your mumbles and straighten, failing to feel the zip on your spine. “What?“

The sounding clips of his shoes stilled you as his body approached behind yours. He places his palm on your spine, steadying you, slightly fascinated about how his palms almost covered the smallness of your back. His hand brushes slightly, a cover only to feel the fabric against you and to feel the curves your body naturally forms.

The zip closes up to the top, and Loki could feel his sense of control loosen. He hears you say a minor thank you for his help but, as you turn his face was close to yours, it passes by him. Your perfume had an alluring scent, your eyes were dewy and sparkling, and Loki had never been so enticed with anyone’s lips until it fell on yours.

“You don’t seem like yourself.” You say, your voice slightly cracks. He finds it adorable.

“You don’t seem like yourself either.” He replies, a tenure lower than usual, he observes.

He sees you gulp. “Nerves. I guess.”

You look up at him with your cheeks rouge to a pink tone. You speak of nerves, but all Loki saw was pure beauty.

“You’re gonna’ wear that?” You question. “Don’t you usually wear some kind of waistcoat, or tie, with your suits?”

Loki almost laughed; how odd of you to mention. He didn’t even think you noticed the way he appeared that much.

He breathes. “Thought it would be good for a change.”

He steps forward, your back hits the wall and his lips meet yours.

Kissing you was like drinking the first fruits of Asgardian wine, and Loki was getting drunk and delirious with it. Tasting you was dangerously addictive, and the sighs you elicited made his primal urges clearer. Loki had doubts in his move. However, when he felt your arms pull him further into you, all of it had eradicated instantly.

He props you up against the wall, separating from your lips for a moment to get a grip of your thighs. His hands brush higher. He feels the rough yet smooth netting of your stockings, your legs opening to him, as he shoves the skirt of your dress up so that it doesn’t restrict him from getting his hips closer to yours. The sounds of your winces were sent to the growing erection in his trousers and-

“Loki…” -By the gods, he wanted to hear more of you.

Loki never predicted how good this would feel, how good you could feel against him. He grunts at the softness of your skin. Your lips were wet and supple, and he could feel your luscious moans escape between kisses. They were turning almost sore from the amount of biting and licking Loki had been doing. But he couldn’t help it.

With his body feeling warm and his mind explicit, he grips you tighter and tighter, possessive over your body and every sensation you could give him, your core radiating an amorous heat he couldn’t help but press himself against.

He needed you, to be buried inside you, to feel those tight walls ache and cum around his-

“Lady Y/N!” Thor knocks on the front door, calling out to you. “Are you ready?”

You both stop, eyes meeting in stunned silence, and chests rising and falling rapidly.

Although his breathing was rattled, Loki’s eyes were steel. “If you answer my brother… I will make you regret it.”

[hekate1308]

Hell On Wheels

There can never be too many Crowley survival stories. Never. So here, have more from this universe. 

His mother needed a few weeks to regain the strength to leave her bed. The witch had sucked her almost dry by the point Crowley and the boys had arrived.

They would have to figure out what to do with her once her magic had replenished herself, but for the moment, there was little to do but make sure she recovered. One of them stayed at the bunker at all times, admittedly not just to look after Rowena but also to check that she didn’t get up to any shenanigans.

Crowley certainly didn’t want her to start wreaking havoc the way she’d tried to in Hell.

In Hell.

Some days, his demonic existence seemed like a dream, or rather a nightmare. Some days, it was almost incredibly that he hadn’t just grown up a hunter and eventually joined the Winchesters on their quest to look after this doomed amazing stupid world.

“How is she today?” Dean asked, entering the kitchen.

“I haven’t checked on her yet. I’m making breakfast”.

Dean nodded.

“And how are you?”

“I’m fine” he said, frowning. There was little reason to ask.

“It’s not exactly easy, your dead mother showing up”. He smiled somewhat sadly.

“Trust me, I know”.

“I can assure you Mary is nothing like my mother”.

Even with the mistakes she’d continued to make after she’d been resurrected.

“I guess. That story with the pigs true?”

“Yep”.

“Man, I’d have thought you’d at least be worth more than three”.

“That’s exactly what I think”.

After a short pause Dean said, “She’s really happy you’re alive, you know”.

He’d assumed her joy at seeing him had been a product of her being semi-conscious at the time.

“I know you don’t believe it, but last week, when you were on the case in Wisconsin... She’s awake for longer periods, now. Plenty of time to talk”.

Not when Crowley was with her. She slept most of the time then, or gave monosyllabic answers.

Dean must have read what he felt on his face, because he nudged him to the side and took over at the stove.

“She’s pretty freaked out. Still tough as nails, but I’m pretty sure there was torture going on at the beginning before they grew too weak to fight”.

And his mother would have fought for a long time before even accepting that she might be too weak, Crowley well knew.

“She definitely told her you were dead over and over. Rowena hinted at some visions she showed her.”

Dean grimaced.

“Can’t be easy, watching your kid gut himself. Wasn’t a pretty sight”.

He could have sworn that his mother would gladly have done the gutting herself, in times when she didn’t need him.

“Look, ultimately it’s your call” Dean said. “And of course it depends on what she’s like when she’s back on full power. Could be useful to have an ally who can just stroll into Hell whenever she wants”.

Only that he had no idea if Rowena would decide to be their ally. She might decide that on second thought, her son being alive and human was of no use to her.

“And if she wants to leave?”

“We’re not keeping anyone against their will here” Dean said, only to remember and to add, “Anymore”.

“The dungeon really isn’t that uncomfortable. You’ve been too Hell” he replied lightly.

Dean laughed.

“Not exactly eager to repeat the trip, I tell you”.

Even with Death being... well dead and his replacement long gone, and the angels being rather antagonistic towards the Winchesters and free will, Crowley was certain he wouldn’t. The boys would end up in Heaven, probably causing chaos like they always did.

While he wasn’t looking forward to Death, Heaven was a more pleasing prospect than the one awaiting him.

Crowley was rather certain he was going to repeat his former career. And there were bound to be many demons who would cherish his transformation.

As if the thought of becoming one again wasn’t enough to make his skin crawl since he’d woken up with a human soul.

“There”.

Dean handed him a tray. Lost in thought, he’d not even noticed he’d finished cooking.

“Just take it slow. No reason to rush. For once, there’s no world-ending crisi on our hands”.

He nodded.

“Thank you”.

“Forget about it”.

For the first time, his mother was sitting up in bed, waiting.

“Good morning”.

“Fer- Crowley”.

He was surprised; ever since she had appeared on the scene, she’d stubbornly used his given name.

“Good morning”.

He put the tray down in front of her.

“Thank you”.

The last time she’d thanked him for something, he’d just blown up her ex-boyfriend in front of her.

“How are you feeling today?”

“I’m growing stronger every day”.

He nodded.

An awkward silence followed.

He’d fantasized about killing her so many times, and she’d probably done the same, concerning him.

“Dean tells me you’re a good hunter” she finally said.

“I gathered some experience in the parallel world”.

If he hadn’t been a good fighter, he’d have died long before they ever found the portal.

“I am a little surprised. I would have thought you’d choose another career”.

In truth, he had never even contemplated that.

“Like Dean said, I’m good at it”.

And he had to do something to cleanse himself of all the guilt. Everything he’d done in the last few centuries...

“I see”.

“He also said you’ve been talking”.

He hadn’t even been aware that she was fit enough to speak for hours already. She must have kept it from him on purpose.

She nodded.

“I might have to take back my complaints about you running after the Winchesters all the time. They happen to be quite catching”.

He couldn’t agree more.

“You didn’t have to bring me here. You could have taken me to a hospital”.

They could have, but it wouldn’t have felt right.

“You know the boys”.

“I beg to differ”. She studied him.

“I’m starting to think I’ve always been wrong about one particular member of the team”.

“Dean has always been smarter than – “

“I wasn’t talking about him” she interrupted him.

“You’ve – you’re a good man”.

He chuckled.

“I am not so sure”.

“I can’t be either” she conceded. “I have precious little experience with being good”.

“We both have, I dare to say”.

Another pause.

He was about to excuse himself when she said, “I withstood as long as I could”.

“I never doubted that”.

“She broke me” she spat, her face furious. “I swore never to be broken, and she broke me”.

“We killed her.”

It was small consolation, but it would have to do.

Rowena balled her hands into fists.

“I hope it hurt”.

He couldn’t tell her that. They tried to cause no unnecessary pain when they killed.

They weren’t demons.

Anymore.

“She broke me” she repeated, “and I never got to have my revenge”.

“Better for all, really. There might be other witches like her. They would have come after you again, then”.

She stared at him, then laughed – a weak impression of her former laugh, but it was enough.

“I almost forgot you’re human for a second”.

“I did too, in the beginning”.

He’d had several close calls because he’d tried to simply blast demons and other monsters out of the way.

If it hadn’t been for Bobby and Mary, he wouldn’t have been alive right now.

“And you have no idea why you’re...”

She trailed off.

He shook his head.

“Dean said she showed you what happened?”

She looked away, and he only understood why she suddenly seemed embarrassed when she said, “I told you she broke me”.

He’d never have imagined that it would be the pain at his loss that would triumph over his mother’s iron will.

“Anyway, I had it all planned. A big final scene, the orchestra flares up, I save the world by heroically sacrificing myself. I have no idea what went wrong. But next thing I know, I wake up in an apocalyptic wasteland, Lucifer is running around, and the boys are gone”.

His eyes blink open. He’s confused and doesn’t even know why. He takes a few deep breaths to calm down, his heart beating –

Wait. His heart is beating? His heart hasn’t beaten in a long time, not since his wife accused him of not having one to begin with –

Yes. He has a pulse. He is breathing, and every muscle on his body is sore –

He tries to clean up his suit with a blink and fails.

The conviction steals upon him slowly, bewildered as he is by the fact that he can even think about it in the first place.

He’s human.

He’s alive and he’s human.

And he’s helpless in the Apocalypse.

“You joined the humans? Dean said you killed Lucifer. Bragged about it a bit, now that I think about it”.

Dean had developed a habit of doing that, usually accompanied by a story how he himself killed Hitler.

“Yes. Me and Mary managed to corner him.”

“It must have been satisfying”.

“It was”.

And perhaps, at the moment, he’d thought of his mother, burned to a crisp at the devil’s feet. Just a little.

“What happens now?” she asked. “Are you planning on keeping me here?”

He shrugged.

“You’re not planning any evil deeds, are you?”

“You know me; I only look out for myself, that is all”.

“In that case you can walk out of here when you’re better”.

“That’s all?”

“Want me to throw you in the dungeon?”

She smirked.

“You’re human now, you can experience guilt. You wouldn’t leave me in there for half a day”.

“I would if you tried to harm my friends”.

She stared at him.

“You really have changed”.

“You said it yourself. I’m human”.

“A bit more than that, I’d say. You’re a hunter”.

He nodded.

“You really should get some more rest”.

As he reached the door, Rowena said quietly, “I’m really happy that you’re alive”.

He didn’t answer.

The boys were having breakfast.

“She’s doing well” he said before anyone could ask.

“Kind of figured this wouldn’t get her there. If someone comes back after being killed by Lucifer twice...”

“She’s certainly making progress” Cas said, looking guilty. Despite knowing they didn’t blame him for his inability to heal people, he still felt bad when he couldn’t.

“Her magic should come back soon” Sam said, “I’ve read that witches – “

“No offense, Moose, but I’m sure I know more about it than you have ever read”.

“None taken. You’re right”.

“I think we can leave her alone when we’re going on hunts now. She’ll get out of bed one of these days”.

His phone rang.

“Sheriff Mills”.

He put her on speaker.

“Hi, boys. Crowley, how’s your mother?”

“Almost back to her old spritely ways, thank you for asking”.

“Glad to hear it. You free? There’s a case near you that looks like ghouls to me, Peter agrees”.

“Peter?”

“Peter Jones. A hunter I met some time ago”.

“Oh? There something you want to tell us?” Dean teased her.

“I will let you know that I am actually an adult and capable of making my own decisions. Plus, he’s not my type”.

“And what would that happen to be?” Crowley asked before he could stop himself.

“You know, there was this guy once, pretty hot, but he tried to kill me, so...”

“Would you stop that? It’s like watching my parents flirt” Dean complained.

“Just having a little fun, Winchester, that’s allowed”.

“Alright” Sam said, “What about the case?”

Cas hid a smile.

He’d really been turned completely human, just like Crowley himself.

Before they left for the case, he knocked at his mother’s door.

“Sure” she answered to his question, “I can get up easily now. As long as the kitchen is stoked, I will be fine”.

“It is”.

As if Dean would ever have allowed something different.

She nodded.

“Take care of yourself, Crowley”.

“Right back at you” he managed to answer.

There were times when his human life was better than anything he’d ever known.

[survivingart]

CREATING A SYSTEM IN WHICH YOUR ART PRACTICE AND CAREER CAN FLOURISH Part I

A few days ago I had the great pleasure to interview Amy Whitaker, an associate professor at NYU and author of two very interesting books: Museum Legs and Art Thinking. Our conversations and her writing got me thinking about my own exploration of both worlds and the ever-present question of economics in art.

Amy speaks of two inherently different but incredibly interconnected ways of thinking and experiencing the world. The first kind she calls Art Thinking; this is the process of letting go, of giving ones mind the time and space to wander, explore, and get excited about the world. 

The other kind is Design Thinking; the analytical evaluation of things, where not much energy and attention is given to questions like: “What if?” or “Is this possible?”, but ones focus is directed into managerial and operational questions like: “How can I do this?” and “What do I need to complete this job?”.

Both are incredibly important and neither of them should be given priority in our lives — even though artists might tend to overemphasise the former, while letting (or wishing that) others (would) handle the bureaucratic managerial decisions that are just plain boring (like budgets, schedules and logistics). 

The issue really only comes if we decide to prioritise one over the other. And you might have already guessed it: most of us do.

A lot of us dream of making that one project that we have always fantasised about doing, but the scope of the artwork exceeded both our finances and the time we have on hand.

And often limitations like these make us give up on such ventures and many even decide that society just doesn’t value their art enough to see the importance of it and go on to blame others for their lack of funding and other resources.

Or they blame themselves for being either incompetent, lazy or, god forbid, stupid. 

But it’s not that we are any of the above (unless we really are lazy, then there’s no theory that can help — only a nice, well-meant kick in the posterior or ass whooping, as it is called in some places, can really do the job).

The only real reason why such grander plans never come to be is a lack of planing and broader understanding of the system(s) we live in. And all we have to do is open up our minds to the notion that we actually can do anything we want to, if (and this “if” is imperative) we plan the whole thing out accordingly and take our time to first create a system that could fund our project.

Amy uses a neat metaphor for this issue: She speaks about the difference between writing a letter and making the envelope for that letter. The letter in her example is our art, our creative product, that we would like to make. The envelope is the ecosystem, the space in which our art can actually be created, shared and eventually (if we did a good job and have a bit of luck on our side) sold to an excited collector.

The letter part is maybe the easiest to do — but don’t get me wrong, making art is not easy, I just want to emphasise that making art is almost entirely dependant upon us and our will to create. The envelope is the real culprit of a lot of problems in the art world.

Let me explain.

A lot of us artists are either born (this usually depends on the factors of our mother’s environment, when she was carrying us — anxious and stressful environments tend to produce anxious and conservative babies, calm environments produce curious ones), or we are raised to be investigative and constantly hungry for something new. 

A good mix of freedom and control that the parents give to their child, tends to create curious individuals — having overly caring parents usually annihilates curiosity, self-sufficiency and even the belief in oneself in the long run! 

But, be it a novel experience or the search for knowledge and understanding, people who grew up with the right mix of genetic and environmental circumstances, operate quite differently from others, that could be described as being more conservative. Maybe not in their thinking — albeit usually such things are connected — but a strong division can be drawn on the merit of people’s ability to handle and bear the chaos in their lives.

Just think about an anxious and stressed-out pregnant woman; during her pregnancy, about 9 months of biological programming will happen to the foetus and when born, that baby will have been primed for the same kind of hectic, stressful environment as its mother — and the last thing such a being wants (putting this into an evolutionary perspective), is to feel a deep urge to go out and explore the world, that made its mother so anxious. 

The imprint then, burned into the depths of that child’s inner being, creates a simple but profound rule: “Don’t be curious. You’ll get hurt or even die if you do.” 

Such people tend to get anxious in larger crowds, feel a constant stress towards the unknown and crave nothing more than the safe heaven of their home, where they can weather the constant storm of social interaction when their (quite low) limits are reached.

Or, if after a stressful pregnancy, they are then raised in a completely contrasting environment, where they are thought to be curious and such behaviour is strongly rewarded and nurtured (usually by the other parent), they end up confused: 

Wanting to make a stand in the world and assert themselves as a strong and independent individual, but at the same time feeling deep inside of them the heavily contrasted urge to stay down and blend with the crowd. 

Confusion galore, but if you find yourself relating to either (I was an incredibly introverted kid, but that changed because I changed), everything can be altered with deliberate practice and introspection — it just takes time.  

Artists on the other hand like to get lost, sometimes even to the point of complete insanity (probably not the end goal, more a side effect that should be evaded if possible).

While more conservative people thrive in managerial positions, because they love order and are incredibly attuned to preserving it, we love to walk the line between order and pure chaos and not just dip our toes in the dark and fuzzy waters of the unknown, but sometimes even go skinny dipping.

And this process is what art really is all about; a trace or document that is created while the curious by nature go bungee jumping into the darkest abysses of life — all while making selfies to share their experience with their friends.

Just think about all the troubled artists and the stereotype embodied so eloquently but the wordplay of erasing the “T” in “Paint” (spelling the word Pain) that proclaims there is no painting without pain. Bollocks if meant like most people that use this expression mean it, but still true in a way.

All it is, is a trace. A glimpse into the real and profound nature of making art; the interrelation of chaos and order and the people that are either courageous or ignorant enough to venture into the no-mans land that exists between the two.

And yes, the courageous can become the new Picasso or Koons. The ignorant ones, those that are unaware of the real forces at play and what is at stake (their own sanity) on the other hand, they tend to end up the Van Goghs, Modiglianis and Basquiats of the art world.

The real point here is to understand what the process of making art really is, and to not just “go with the flow” of ones curious inner drives, but to take good care in creating the envelope, prior to writing the whole letter.

The envelope is the system, the lifeline that attaches our physical selves to the “real world”; for example being part of an economical system, that can provide us with resources for our work (like paint, clay, camera equipment and the like).

It also connects us to various social systems and gives us the ability to communicate our views, ideas and creations with others (for example marketing, social media and gallery structures provide us with such tools).

But there is also another kind of connection that such systems form: a mental connection to the outside world. Without a strong link to “reality”, we can quickly end up disconnected, even completely dislocated from the rest of the world, and if you have ever been depressed (the real kind of depression, not the vague notion of being “a bit sad”), you know exactly how incredibly horrendous such a state is.

The envelope therefore is imperative. Without it we risk not only failing to create our art, but can even risk putting our physical and mental wellbeing on the line.

from Surviving Art https://ift.tt/2G33cXn via IFTTT

[melbahenry]

10 Reasons Why You Need DevOps

Dynamic Resourcing

I need a name for both models and, in fact, the name wise to split development and operations into two teams would be DevOps, but unfortunately it is the catchy phrase not to split them, and on this article we call this model Ops / Dev and we use DevOps for the model where they are combined? Suggestions about a postcard for a better way to do it. Under Ops / Dev, we have people X Ops and people Y Dev. In DevOps, we have people X + Y and can work on all priorities. Sometimes it will be development (which leads to a large version, or if there is a priority commercial requirement), and sometimes it will be an operation (if there are assembly problems or we just made a large version). Either way, the feature is easy because people have transferable skills so they can do one or the other. Under the Ops / Dev template, you cannot easily deploy a developer to fill in for the Ops team or a Ops person to complete for a developer.

This is important because the loads between the teams vary significantly and you really need to use features for full load on both teams. It is not only inefficient but dangerous. Developers or off-duty killers can do incredibly stupid things without proper control, so you have the double problem (what’s a Whammy exclusive? What’s a Whammy?), A frantically busy team, and a team with nothing to do with violence with things you’d rather not touch.

Less Overhead

You can call Lean Six Sigma, or not BS, but the answer is the same. With an Ops / Dev template, you have introduced many things that you do not necessarily need. Not only do you have two teams, but you do have a transfer process and a lot of hangers that facilitate a process that you probably did not need in the first place (the same as above, only if you have a mission-critical business application, is a cost to do business for you. I’m talking about applications that do not need it.

Viewing. Do you have a version manager, maybe a change manager? What do you think of a meeting every fifteen years covering the next transitions to production? What about a process of increasing problems between Ops and Dev? A warranty period? Even if it’s just a phone call or an email or two, it’s a process you simply do not need. What makes the US health system the most expensive in the world? It is not the doctors and the nurses, it is the administrators who cling to all the treatments. Get rid of it and you’re halfway to a good solution.

Ownership

This is probably the biggest problem of all. Who owns the application in an Ops / Dev model? Oops? Dev? You’ve probably created a new role to own it (see above). But how do your developers feel about it? (And for that, Ops folks as well?) I bet they feel like compromised weapons, working on the task in front of them and probably measured about the only outcome they were asked to achieve. It is not property; it is work-oriented work. But see what happens if you hold them responsible for all this?

If they find something that needs to be repaired while they are working on something different, they will repair it. This is what you do when you own something. You resolve or report a problem you encounter. When you’re a hired gun, you just do what you’ve been asked to do, no questions asked.

Agile

If Agile is the right methodology for what you are doing (and it might not be), then Ops/Dev probably isn’t. Agile is about small teams, high-touch communication, and frequent reassessment of the top priorities coupled with regular delivery. Sounds like DevOps to me, not Ops/Dev with the formal handovers and gates and whatever another sticky tape you have put in to make it not fail.

Increased Stability

Associated with the above resourcing problem and ownership, DevOps’ ability to do things more conveniently. With Ops / Dev, your operations team could go crazy trying to solve problems while your Dev team is happy and unconsciously preparing to release more chaos in the environment with the next release.

In DevOps, this is self-regulating. You simply do not have the people available to make the next version if everyone is flat repairing the problems of the last one. And anyway, if the property is sitting with a team that would be crazy enough to do it, even if you could?

[survivorcutthroat]

Episode 2: “The queen stays queen for another day.” - Sherry

So I ended up cutting Nehe because I felt like I gained more from him going than from him staying. I know I'm almost 100% to blame for his elimination and although my dark side is loving it, I still feel bad....I view myself as a snarky hero not some heartless villain...I wish we had just won immunity ugh. But I cut him and that's the name of this season - cut or be cut. I just have to get used to the feeling - maybe I can take some tips from Matt???

Now that the first vote is over, I can get a sense of who all trusts me. I think Zack is thankful I didn't flip but he still doesn't trust me which was to be expected. Dustin seems to trust me but I think he might not be telling me the whole truth just yet - I'm starting to be skeptical that Seamus is lying about his vote....Amir seems to trust me too but I feel like he could be threatened by me? I dont think he'll come after me anytime soon but his tone kinda changed towards me when we talked game - he didn't realize how much of a role I would play I presume....for now, I hope a swap happens and I can go more UTR. I was a bit chaotic with this last round and I want to dive back down underwater for a while to disappear from any potential bulls eyes on my back! 

THIS WENT PERFECTLY. I set up Ali and Sherry going against eachother even though I was the only one going against both of them. I eliminated an idol, kept my trust with everyone but Sherry, and got rid of my target of Ali. I wish Ali were here but this is a great scenario as well.

15 minutes later

Tribe swap and I'm so happy. We are nu YANGBYE which is the best tribe name around. I love these people but I'd also love to say "yangbye!" to them one by one. 

Crow - Oh my god I get to work with chaos crow <3 

Jaiden - I don't understand Jaiden but I want to work closely with him 

Dom - YES it's my pal from whatever our starting tribe was 

Zack - I quite like Zach but I don't trust him. 

Liana - She doesn't talk to me very much. 

I'd like to keep Jaiden Crow and Dom around. The other two are threats and they're not on my side. 

Wooooo okay so post tribal council and I survived!!! Nehe was great and a nice person but Seamus was in his ear and Nehe was going around saying that Zack and I are a final 2 and in the end I couldn't have him here anymore and my target ended up leaving so hehehohohahha

Okay now I gotta focus purely on social bonds because our tribe dynamic is weird as fuck. us 4 voted together to outvote nehe and Seamus...but now its just us 4 lmao which means if we go to tribal then kumbaya time is gonna be over and someone gotta go. My plan? Turn crow and zack against each other. Crow was the most hesitant to keep zack and zack has thrown crows name out there in the past 

But other than that I fucking love Zack and I really didn't think I was going to during this game but if people are saying we're close friends when were not, we might as well align. Crow is still my husband, he's a lil sketchy but still my husband. Dustin is the only sane person here newfkj and I'm glad he's here and best case scenario is we don't lose the challenge and I get to keep my gays a little longer in the game. 

Current people I still want gone in order: SEAMUS, LIANA, stevie, ali, tommy 

This first tribal was interesting!! Winning the challenge I chose a tribe to go to and I got to vote with them but I was immune, such an interesting twist. It seemed like the tribe wanted to go for Sherry, which I did not really want. I end up talking to Sherry and she told me about the idol and that she was using it so to keep up appearances I voted for Sherry to vote in the majority, knowing what she was gonna do. Hopefully she isn't mad about that. Now Im on this new tribe and I have my old tribe as the majority so im feeling pretty good about this current position and hopefully nothing happens to ruin that just yet. 

I MADE FINAL 18! We just swapped tribes to 3 tribes of 6 and now I left my Yangbye tribe and joined the New Sagu tribe with Cole, Stevie, and Abel who were on my original Yangbye tribe and Dustin from Magyi and Sid from Sagu. We made an original Yangbye alliance chat however, I don't know how loyal the people in that chat will be especially a guy named cole.  For whatever reason I'm getting a strong vibe that cole doesn't like me or want me in the game long term so I'd be so down to get him out... I think he will be a threat however I also don't wanna just betray this new alliance but I don't wanna play dumb. I like Dustin and Sid to an extent, I'm not sure how much I can really trust either... For right now the two people I'm most trustful of on my tribe are Stevie and Abel, as for the rest of them I have no idea where their heads are at in terms on strategy of the game. I hope we just keep winning immunity, I really really don't want to go to tribal, I feel even less secure on this tribe than I did on my last one. 

Ok, so the first two tribals that have happened pretty much didn't effect my game at all! I barely talked to either Nehe or Ali so I'm glad they are gone. They were nice but I didn't see anything in them. I feel like my lip sync will be good enough to get my tribe to winning this Immunity, I just hope we find someone who can edit because I have no idea how to edit at all. If we do end up going to tribal I should be fine as I made a alliance with the original Yangbye tribe! Also omg at sherry snatching everyone's wig with that first tribal idol.... My mouth is still open. 

Anyways why was cole willing to let sid edit the video and willingly give him the power to be the first one with the finished product so sid can submit and get the idol clue when sid is on the bottom? He’s only fussing about it right now in the tribe chat bc i just pointed it out to him in pms. Like ik cole’s not stupid so i strongly doubt he would make such a dumbass mistake. Shady ass bitch. 

[7/7/17, 8:40:47 PM] Abel: 

[7/7/17, 7:27:03 PM] Abel: sis are we really gonna let sid get the idol clue [7/7/17, 7:28:08 PM] Cole™: I'm gonna try and get it 

[7/7/17, 7:28:21 PM] Abel: whoever submits it gets it 

[7/7/17, 7:28:38 PM] Abel: and if he’s editing it’ll probably be him 

[7/7/17, 7:31:23 PM] Cole™: But like I did the most work 

[7/7/17, 7:31:52 PM] Abel: one of us needs to submit it then 

[7/7/17, 7:32:17 PM] Abel: like i would share the clue with you obviously but yeah its just easier for you to submit it 

[7/7/17, 7:32:30 PM] Abel: and sid has the power if he’s making the final product 

[7/7/17, 7:33:43 PM] Cole™: True, I would share it too 

 I have an okay relationship with dustin. Tommy i still trust. Stevie eh mostly. I would love to just coast on tribal lines/challenge dominance for a bit. Sid is the only person i have no relationship with and I’m not really interested in trying to make one like i’d rather just vote him out lmao. Like i said hi and how are you to him already and it was just so exhausting idk i don’t have the energy to fake another friendship rn. We’ll see where my paranoia with cole takes me.

I am upset that I'm separated from Crow Zack and Dustin and I'm also really upset that I haven't been on a tribe with Cole Sid Or Bodhi but on the bright side, I have sherry and I have rob. I have enough people I won't die at least. 

ZACK IS MY SON AND I WILL PROTECT HIM.

hi it's me again hehetehe. 

lemme just talk about last round bc im still a lil FUCKED up. bc some people got me FUCKED up. 

Seamus is an ugly dirty little rat and if he really thought he would pull a fast one on ME.. he was SURELY mistaken. he can go back to fucking his cousin and eating his hay. he literally looks like he eats hay. like.. you're not gonna just try to get me out and think i'm not gonna say something.. and now he wants to come and apologize and act all innocent like bitch, please, save that shit. 

anyways... i like my new tribe? like i'm not completely fucked here. i miss dustin and amir tho :( literally dustin and amir are my hunts like they really put there ass out there to help me and i appreciate that so much. i got their backs in this game. i hope me abel dustin and amir can all make merge and run this shit to the end.

ps- fuck seamus.

Really? REALLY? I'm used to being on elite tribes not amateur ones.....so after the tribe swap I wind up on the worst of the 3 tribes with people who seem to either be shy or just incredibly nonchalant. Liana just spoke like, today - Zack is still Zack and Dommy is sorta like that team member who's all talk and no game at this point...and Jaiden is just an ugly troll. The only thing that could have made it worse would have been seeing Matt on my tribe so I guess thanks for not doing that to me.... 

Like I understand we all have busy lives and this isn't an easy comp but I've been sitting in Iceland halfway across the globe with internet lag and cut-out quite often but I was willing to put time into this comp for my piece of it (I was legit going to do my lip sync in a RV bathroom - how iconic is that?) 

But INSTEAD someone mysteriously submitted a dumb pre-made video to the blog (which is no "accident") which basically means we lose even though we never started. 

And Jaiden, I know it was you. I can't tell if it's out of complete stupidity or mischief, but either way, you're in hot water sir. 

Ugh, can we swap again? Pls? I can't do this constant losing thing it's bad for my ego.

Alrighty so there was no doubt I was going to get kicked off of my tribe before the swap. Luke, Jaiden, Sid, and Seamus? Jaiden randomly hates me (and my husband), and Seamus probably wants revenge for Zootopia, Luke is impossible to talk to. The only person I liked game-wise was Sid because he's really easy to get along with and I feel like I can actually trust him and he won't cut me, so to speak. 

In order to try to rectify this, I figured I could gain trust with Seamus by starting an idol searching brigade, so I told him where I searched. He could easily lie about this and probably did but it's whatever, I'm trying (reasoning on this later). I tried to clear the air with Jaiden and we talked things out and I tried to find common ground with him (idk if it worked or not). 

 Seamus talked to me about me and him and Sid working together. Ever since the tribe swap I haven't heard from them so I guess that's dead. 

I trust Stevie the most overall. I've been telling him my thoughts (lol contact him for confessionals). Stevie was actually my first ally in my first game so I like him a lot (he taught me how to be cutthroat). He told me about his and Seamus' idol clues, and how Seamus would probably lie about it (hence the earlier reasoning). He said that the clue said the number is the same on a clock (i.e. 1-12) but Seamus would probably say the opposite. Seamus has actually said nothing so anyway I continue to not trust Seamus. 

The other tribe was ugly for trying to vote out my fellow woman.

wow so um... cole and sid are targets more info tomorrow

I think I'm good with my whole tribe. I trust mearl completely. I love rob and sherry the most. I don't think they'll vote me out. I don't fucking care about this challenge but I have to act like I do. I actually was willing to stay up all night and do the work and commit my night for it but I can't put in effort if no one else will. Yesterday when I tried to bring it up no one cared. I'm really drunk. Also um Seamus and I worked out our differences but like I'd still vote him out. Luke and I promised to work together but I'd still vote him out. I'll vote anyone out I don't give a fuck. Also Crow has been ignoring me for like all day. So it's clear he's only social when you're on a tribe with him, same with Dustin. I think I've decided I'm most loyal to Cole and rob in this game and maybe Sid and zack.

One minute later:

I AM GOING TO DESTROY EVERYONE 

I WANT THEM ALL DEAD 

I WILL END THEM

Jaiden accidentally threw the challenge for our tribe. THANK GOD. Now I don't have to do it. Sherry and Jaiden both fucked up for the tribe and the target is off of me. At tribal I'm going to be targeting Liana or Zack. Probably Liana. I have Jaiden and Dom with me 100% for now, and crow is probably gonna be smart and vote with the majority. Liana doesn't talk to me so she doesn't need to be here. Simple as that. Zack doesn't talk to me much either, but Amir likes him, and I think crow does too. Zack can go next time.

I don't even know what's happening with this challenge. I think I lost it by accident for everyone but they're all causing unnecessary chaos around camp so I need to just sit down and shut up. Tomorrow one of us will be voted out I'm assuming, so I'll do whatever it takes to make sure it's Liana or Crow and not me. As it stands in the game right now, I've been able to go on private calls with Seamus, Bodhi, Dom, and Tommy. I'd say those four are my closest friends and allies at this point (but I don't want to speak too soon since the game has only just begun). I still need to work on getting into good graces with the rest of the players I wanna work with this season, so we'll see how successful I am with that. Also, I think I've formed an alliance with Bodhi and Dom. Like I said from the get-go, I won't take this alliance too seriously because I know that they can kiss my ass in calls and PMs but still say only bad things about me in confessionals. I'll trust them only as far as I can throw them and see how things go if we do end up going to tribal. I think this swap worked out pretty well in my favor and I couldn't be happier with how it turned out.

So before I came back to orgs this year the last ones I played were 2014/early 2015 and in those games I managed to go really far by doing the least and I feel like that’s what Cole remembers me as and I feel like he views me as a potential drag-along ally, one that he can always go back to as he makes shady deals with everyone else. What he doesn’t realize though is that I’m that bitch with the pristine memory and know he wins/goes far in so many of his games and knows that he’s been active all these years and knows everyone. Whether or not he actually is working with Sid, I just know he has a lot of connections in a lot of different places and in a one world season it would just be stupid to let someone like that reach a point where he can connect with others and fuck things up for everyone. ALSO SIS HAS THE NERVE TO BE A FLAMING FAGGOT IN EVERY CHAT AND CALL BUT WHEN HE GETS TO MY PMS HE SUDDENLY TURNS INTO BRITNEY’S MIC FEED! I spoke to Tommy last night and he’s on the same page and I don’t think it should be hard to get others on board…if we choose to do so bc I still don’t have any use for Sid at all whatsoever lmao.

Dearest Liana, Please speak to me. I'd like to not have an easy tribal! I adore going to tribal council, but you are making this too easy for me. With love, Bodhi.

I don't believe I've ever touched on WHY I throw so many challenges. The answer is simple. Tribal council is a wonderful group bonding excersize. If you can go into the merge with a group of 2-4 people, you'll have some people with as much trust as you can manage. There's another big facet to this, being that tribes that don't go to tribal council have a lot of time to stir up feelings of wanting other people out. People on cutthroat are going to be so willing to flip on their tribes it's not even funny. These people almost all feel like they have something to prove, and if you can just give them time to get bored, they'll be making big moves at the merge like no ones business. Tribal loyalty will not exist in that much of a sense on this season. One of the biggest advantages of having a tribe swap from 4 tribes this early is that there isn't the whole "day one alliance" that can sometimes unify a tribe. Everyone is on a tribe with someone that they want out of the game, and once those people get their ways, there will be new people who want revenge. Ideally, there will be one more swap, and neither of these first two sets of tribes will matter to anyone except for me and whoever I'm loyal too. I'm making ties with folks on the other side so that when we swap again I won't need to scramble or anything. I'll just need to sit back and watch people take each other out.

Well after that challenge fiasco, I still have little hope of winning immunity.....however at least we are submitting something semi-legitimate? I just really really don't wanna go to tribal again so soon....especially with so many quiet/shady characters. We have a solid idea in my opinion but it'll be a swing or miss sort of idea. As far as my tribe.....Zack says he's on my side and loyal to me til the end but A) He hardly talks to me on his own B) This is fucking Cutthroat Island Bodhi and I are supposed to be close but he's smart and tricky so I don't really trust him... Jaiden is a known troll but somehow one of the people I like?? (why do i find myself closer to trolls than norms..*ahem* Kyle) Liana is a fucking ghost. This girl just appears in the main chat once a millennium, hardly replies to pms, and doesn't even seem to care?? If we were to lose, my money would be on her leaving. Bodhi already suggested it to me actually.... Dommy is the chillest of them all and maybe will be someone I can use? But I don't know if he's closer to myself or Bodhi, which will be crucial down the line... Or maybe this tribe's flops are part of some mastermind machination to blindside me pre-merge. I don't even know at this point. My strategy pre-merge (considering GL pre-merge was....non-existent for me...) is to build as many bonds as strong as I can and go with the flow. Big moves that make your target bigger are p.o.i.n.t.l.e.s.s until at least jury! No one in finale talks about "yea that second vote where I flipped" cuz its so far in the past! The #1 goal should be survival - not control. Plus, the more targets that make merge, the better for me. Let the elite make it to merge and let the bloodbath begin while I fly through the underworld completely invisible to the finale <3 :D

And we're back! After Sherry pulling off a beautiful idol play round 1, I have a new vigor for this game! Amir survived his tribal as well! Things are looking good, everyone. But wait! I spoke too soon. Satan himself announced a FUCKING TRIBE SWAP. Okay, calm down, Sid. Now you have a chance to be with Sherry or Amir, right? Wrong. Austin's fucking Sorting Hat rip-off kept me on Sagu while Sherry and Amir are living it up on Magyi and Liana is stuck on Yangbye. What's worse, Nu Sagu is a 4 Yangbye, 1 Magyi, 1 Sagu split. WHAT STARS HAD TO ALIGN TO MAKE SURE I GET SWAP FUCKED IN EVERY GAME? I DON'T EVEN HAVE AN IDOL. (Speaking of, Sherry told me the clue Stevie got. Apparently the Idol is under 12 and Sherry found her's at 11. But, now I don't know why Stevie is giving out clues unless he found one. Hm.) But whatever. I'm screwed on Nu Sagu because Stevie is an egomaniac who I'm pretty sure wants me out, and I don't know who these other 4 are. Tommy said he'd work with me, but how much do I trust him? Or like even like him? Minimal. My only hope rests in this challenge, so I stepped up to edit our lipsync (And I think it can win us this challenge!). Also, the submitter of the winning tribe gets an idol clue! DOPE! Since I'm editing, I should be able to submit. Apparently not. Cole asks in the tribe chat if he could submit because he wants the clue. THE FUCK? NO I THINK THE FUCK NOT. I've been editing for hours, and all you had to do was twerk on camera for 3 minutes. And I doubt Cole is really a stranger to that, whereas I had to learn Movie Maker for this fuck-up of a tribe. So I said "yah sure" because I'm in a clear minority, but I have a plan. Even though I finished the video hours before the deadline, I'll pretend like I'm rushing to finish it. And in my rush, I submitted it on accident! I'm sure he'll see through my plans, but I'll have 2 idol clues, AND I think we'll have immunity with my video. Right now, I think working with Tommy or Abel is my best shot to survive if we go to tribal... ALSO P.S. Sherry, Amir and I have finalized our alliance. It's called "THREEVIL" (Three + Evil) and it is so fucking awesome! I love these two with all my heart. <3 <3 <3

This is some bullshit. I'm not about to do this challenge solo and still lose. Why did crow make a big fucking deal about it? We could've gotten a DECENT score on this shit and at least I submitted something???? Even fucking dom who is online all the fucking time isn't here to do shit 

if Me getting that ottn5 edit this episode huh. I'll really go off at tribal council when the time comes because we're clearly losing.

Everyone the past few days: 

https://68.media.tumblr.com/0590f2ef9171d9c120daa59db8f36233/tumblr_inline_oj6u3b7XBj1snhjdw_500.gif Me: Hey we should probably do this challenge! 

Everyone: https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2014-09/22/14/enhanced/webdr10/anigif_enhanced-11075-1411411562-9.gif Me: Guess I'm doing this on my own... 

This is what I've come up with so far! Everyone @ me because apparently it sucks: https://media.tenor.com/images/72c91bf233275e5da4c66dae418829e2/tenor.gif 

Me, internally: http://68.media.tumblr.com/baebe363529713f2fdee2b9047d27d47/tumblr_osadyruIyd1rt5ctno1_250.gif ... Me tomorrow night after we lose this challenge and they unanimously vote me out: http://wwwimage.cbsstatic.com/thumbnails/photos/files/asset/10/00/35/45/bronte-big-brother-eviction.gif

Day 7 Confessional 4: Ugh okay so lots of tea to spill. So i voted in the minority on the special tribal and Nehe left which like doesn’t matter much. But then we immediately tribe swap and my new tribe is amir luke mearl rob sherry and myself. Amir immediately approaches me and tells me he is angry that i was telling Nehe that he and Zack were a final 2 which never happened. I finally convinced him that it wasn’t true and now we are golden and Zack and I half made up too. But basically from the moment i got onto this tribe i started desiring another tribe swap because our tribe literally sucks. Like besides Mearl Rob and myself they literally fucking suck. Sherry is so busy irl, Luke is MIA and im not surprised, and Amir has family issues going on. I kinda hope we lose this challenge so we can send either Luke or Sherry home, then we will have a better chance going forward as a tribe…. Also the winning tribe gets a idol clue and I think I am going to approach them with an offer that I will share mine (I’ll lie about what is says) if they share theirs! But yah as of now I am kinda hoping we lose so we can cut some loser out of this damn game. 

So there was a tribe swap. Yippeee. No, not really. My whole original tribe ends up sticking together but of course I get separated. Thats alright, just means I'm going to make more connections I can use later down the line. Change is a positive thing right? Wrong. My tribe sucks ass. And I don't like sucking ass. If you do then think of whatever unpleasantry you wish instead.   First impressions- Luke- Ugh. I voted him out five times in a row in GL. I have a feeling he isn't exactly going to trust me. I tried to strengthen a bond but it seems so artificial on his part. Amir- Seems like somebody that can be a strong ally. I'm glad Amir is here. Seamus- First impression tells me to watch out or Seamus but he is wooing me in... but I'm aware that his wooing is why I wanted to watch out for him in the first place. Rob- Don't really know. Blah? Hopefully a potential ally. Sherry- I had a good conversation with her the night before the swap (when it appeared she was going home) so was happy to see her on my tribe. I figured that she'd be somebody that I could utilize... well lady is crazy and forgetful because she forgot the conversation we had and was asking me about myself and telling me things about her that she had told me less than 24 hours earlier... like scroll up. You can play the mother card and thats fine but when you are a no show in challenges (seems to be a trend) I have no problem voting my mom out. So the first challenge comes along... the dreaded lip sync. I hate this challenge. Hate it. HATE IT. Its just so blah. I hate singing. I hate dancing. And of course I'm busy but nobody else is able to edit a video (or wants to). Whatever.. then it gets worse. People aren't even fucking sending me videos. Like they missed deadllines and just flat out ignore me when I ask if they are giving me anything or not. I tell them that I need to know so that I can start editing the video if I'm not going to receive anything but nothing. Like I have just as much content 6 hours before the challenge is due as I did 48 hours before but I wasn't working on it because I figured I'd get more. So now I need to piece meal together shit and find shit and try and make it look nice. I mean I'm a creative guy I guess so lets see what I can do. For this challenge all I received was a piece of poop so I put it between two slices of bread and I’m hoping the judges like shit sandwiches. I really hope my efforts pay off because I don't wanna be going to tribal yet. Im not sure where I stand but I'm hoping this challenge has put me in a good spot.

First things first, fuck my old tribe! they literally like...don't even attempt to reply to me since the swap and its becoming really apparent whos genuine and who will play nice just for the game so as far as I care, they can all leave I don't give a fuck. However, I hope zack and crow don't go over someone like liana at the upcoming tribal. people like liana stevie tommy crow etc are able to lie so convincingly and make it seem like theyre on your side like....they can literally lie like sociopaths and no one in this game is allowed to have that quality except for me so they can fking go! I feel like I have a lot of those relationships right now, like circumstantial allies. I feel that way about Mearl, zack, crow, dustin, sid, sherry and even luke The people I fully trust right now are rob and cole and MAYBE Bodhi. everyone else is dead to me. Also why am I the only Canadian in this cast full of American freaks me trying to fit in with the americans: https://vine.co/v/e1EFMxhDZOB/card?api=1 Psa: do you guys think im the type of boy who wont send nudes to stay safe in a game, because youre 100% wrong. I am an adult, if another adult wants to see me arse for an idol clue or some shit, ill take it! Also talking about idol clues "hickory dickory dock, the number you are looking for is on the clock" The idol is right under your nose I think its jungle 9. because table is under the nose and 9 is under 12 lets try that next time lmao abel is.....LIKE...not smart. sweet guy but he asked me to have a secret final 2 within like five seconds of speaking for the first time and then told me im a good social player who'll make it far. not the best way to make me want you on the island buddy I love flirting with guys in games because its like playing pretend when the truth is the only thing that turns me on is voting them all out http://68.media.tumblr.com/bf80ec6181ee7722e81fba5665a78426/tumblr_o319g3ZJhR1uwwhj6o2_250.gif

Well, I'm safe another week so that's good right? Still annoyed that my tribe didn't win immunity, like we did so well and we honestly lip synced and I actually slayed everyone in the lip sync.... Oh well. I want to win something, I want to prove to the community that I'm a strong player physically and not just socially. I'm just grateful to be here right now, I don't think a lot of people see me as a threat but I could be wrong. I just want to make jury right now and prove it to myself I really am a bad bitch!

Last round, I was an iconic mess. I was able to flip the vote against Sherry, however she played her idol and voted for Ali. BUT! because I was in the pool and I removed my vote in case anything changed, I self-voted even though I gave a vote a minute late about it was close so grr. It tied between me and Ali and everyone minus Sherry voted against Ali. Wooh! I'm ready for my CPN/M4 edit. I am devastated that Ali is gone I really do trust him. I connected with him and he had NOBODY. We swapped like I predicted and it's 3 tribes of 6. I am on the Magwhy tribe with myself, Sherry, Seamus, Mearl, Amir, and Luke. I think I am in a decent position on this tribe. Seamus I feel has a certain degree of trust in me, he thinks he can control which I'm fine go ahead do it. Mearl I've been working on getting him to like me and I think he might, I did a lot for the challenge I went all out and I've been praising him which he did a great job. Amir LOVES me and the feeling is mutual. Amir is just so much fun and I want to be like him. I want to be like Amir when I'm older. Luke... I'm on good terms with but I want him out tbh because I am petty and he's a threat. Him being depressed, is to my advantage and that sucks for him I guess? Sherry, I don't know where I stand with her, we said during the vote last time we should work together, and she knew Ali was going, but she's blowing smoke up my ass. I'll try to work with her, but I doubt I'm going to talk to her. If we do have conversations I see it being strictly game which I despise. The video is a lip sync and we originally did something that Sherry did because we were sort of reluctant to throw ideas and I liked it. I felt it was a song I could do and people at first were like yeah. The thing is, skype is a fickle fickle bitch. It updated and I asked if we were doing All Summer Long and i got no reply. I filmed my video which was lit tbh because I had my sister help me out and she's a theater kid (tm) psycho.  I had it done and ready but then out of nowhere my messages update and I see at the same time when I sent the previous message they responded and they decided to change it to calling all the monsters. Like??? WHO THE FUCK CARES IF SHERRY HAS ALREADY DONE IT DO YOU THINK PEOPLE WILL ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT THAT? HELL NO AND THEN YOU USE THE SAME EXACT FOOTAGE FROM HER VIDEO WHAT A BUNCH OF DUMBASSES STFU. Anyways we win because Mearl pulled God's work and I'm shook because Saggy's was so good too. Abel as Valentina ctfu. I saw yangbye's too and it was hilarious i loved it Heather did amazing. I heard it was mean but I don't really think so? I mean Jaiden got it from her youtube videos so it's public domain and people could gif it anyways from there. The hosts got pretty pissy though like they weren't bad at all imo I enjoyed all three of them like sure maybe Yangbye could have been more active in their video but it was still a funny product. I'm active and I'm not a threat so I don't think I'm in a bad spot. Goat me! 

I don't feel great about this vote....but what I've heard from Zack and Bodhi is that it's an easy vote for Liana - but I no like easy votes cuz usually they aren't!

[anavoliselenu]

Heart of stone chapter 15

It was another glorious Fall day in New York and I relished the feel of the sunshine on my face as I exited the subway terminal. Last nights storm had cleansed New York of the humid and sticky air, leaving a clean freshness in its wake. Shakira was blasting through my ear buds. And yes, my hips weren’t lying as I sashayed into Wally’s for my shift.

 It was such a cliché, but I didn’t care. I felt confident. Sexy. And lighter on my feet than I had in years. Nothing could ruin my mood today – not even the stress I felt over quitting my long-time job.

 “Hey, Melanie!” I waved to a fellow coworker that was working the register.

 “Hi, Selena!” she called back while scanning groceries for a customer. “Mr. Roberts was looking for you a few minutes ago.”

 “Do you know where he is now?”

 “I think he’s back in his office.”

 “Thanks!” I said cheerfully with a beaming smile.

 As I was making my way back to Mr. Roberts’ office, I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. I fished it out and read the incoming text. I smiled to myself when I saw it was from Justin.

   Today

 7:51 AM, Justin: My office. 3pm.

   Barking orders at me already?

 Unconditional obedience or not, that wasn’t any way to start a conversation – especially after the evening that we had shared.

   7:54 AM, Me: Good morning to you, too.

 7:56 AM, Justin: You have to fill out some paperwork so I can get you on the payroll.

   Pleasure at night. Business by day. Check!

 I knew that this arrangement with Justin was going to be a slippery slope, one that I’d have to navigate carefully. I just didn’t realize how icy it would be.

   8:00 AM, Me: Sure. But I work until 5.

 8: 02 AM, Justin: Leave early.

   Yes, Master! Geez…he’s so demanding.

 But rather than lash out and let his brusque temperament ruin my good mood, I continued to placate him the best that I could.

   8:04 AM, Me: I’ll talk to Mr. Roberts about it. I’ll text you if I can’t get out early.

   I waited for a response. When I didn’t get one immediately, I pocketed the phone and continued towards Mr. Roberts’ office. Whether this was Justin’s way of separating our business and personal lives, I couldn’t be sure. But if he thought that he was going to snap orders at me like I was some sort of dimwitted lackey, he had another thing coming to him. Hopefully it wasn’t the latter. Either way, I would deal with him later. I had more important business to get out of the way first.

 I approached Mr. Roberts’ open office door and gave it a light knock to signal my arrival.

 “Hi, Mr. Roberts.”

 “Selena! Glad to see you. I was hoping you’d pop into the office. I have to talk to you about a few things.”

 “I needed to speak with you as well,” I told him anxiously.

 “You first. What can I do for you today?” he asked. He leaned back in his chair and offered me a warm smile, causing the wrinkles in the corners of his eyes to deepen.

 He appeared to be in excellent spirits. It was a nice change, as Mr. Roberts’ smiles had been few and far between, and I dreaded the idea that I might ruin his good mood. However, I knew there wasn’t going to be an easy way around this. Rather than beat around the bush with small talk, I blurted out my reason for coming to his office.

 “I think you know already that I received a job offer from Turning Stone Advertising. I’ve decided to accept it. This Friday will be my last day here.”

 “Yes, I know it is. That’s one of the things I wished to discuss. I spoke to Mr. Stone about you in great detail this morning,” he informed me, taking my announcement in stride.

 It irked me that Justin had taken it upon himself to talk to my boss about my end date, but a part of me wasn’t the least bit surprised that he had beaten me to it.

 “I’m really sorry for the short notice, Mr. Roberts. It’s just that Ale – er, Mr. Stone was insistent that I start right away,” I told him, glad that I caught my slip up in time. If I had any hopes of gaining respect from my future coworkers, I had to be extra careful not to use Justin’s first name.

 “Don’t fuss over it – it’s no big deal. Do what you have to do,” he said easily with a sweep of his hand. But his easygoing attitude seemed false. I knew my boss pretty well, and despite the relaxed smile on his face, I could sense his wariness. And his disappointment.

 “I can stay a bit longer if you need me to – maybe work in the evening when I finish for the day at Turning Stone,” I offered, feeling terribly guilty. He had been under so much pressure, and I had just become an addition to his mounting troubles.

 He got up from his chair and moved around the desk to where I was standing.

 “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m happy for you. Really, I am,” he assured me.

 I looked at him doubtfully.

 “Are you sure? I mean, I could help you train my replacement.”

 Mr. Roberts took a deep breath and shook his head.

 “Look, I don’t mean to sound so dismissive. I thought that if I acted like your departure was no big deal, it would make leaving easier for you. You’re not one to make rash decisions, and I know that your choice to leave Wally’s wasn’t something that you considered lightly. Anyone with half a brain can see how incredible this opportunity is, Selena. But I will admit, it’s going to be hard to lose you. You’re like family.”

 I was immediately rendered speechless as memories of my time at Wally’s flashed before my eyes. Mr. Seymour, the sweet little old man that I delivered groceries to. The company picnics. Mr. Roberts’ funny antics and constant teasing jests. Even Jim McNamara’s pestering. They were my work family, one of my few constants in a city full of chaos, and I would miss every last one of them.

 I had spent the last six months worrying over bills and about getting a better paying job, that I hadn’t even thought about what I’d be leaving behind. I fought back the sting of threatening tears, knowing that in the end, I was making the right choice.

 At least I hope I am.

 “It’s time for me to move on, but I will miss everyone at Wally’s a lot,” I told him truthfully. “I’ll be back to visit – you can count on it!”

 “You’d better – and often too. My wife and I will miss seeing your face around here. I haven’t spoken to her about this yet, but I know she’ll share my sentiments.”

 Another pain of regret struck me when I thought of Mrs. Roberts. Both she and Mr. Roberts had been so kind to me over the years and I should have told them both together.

 “Please tell Mrs. Roberts that I apologize for not telling you both at the same time. I just couldn’t put this off. Mr. Stone actually wanted me to start sooner, but I had to tell him no. I didn’t want to screw anyone here at the last minute.”

 “I appreciate that, and thank you for being so thoughtful. Although, I’m somewhat inclined to push you out the door right now. Your talent is wasted on stocking shelves. I’ve always known that,” he said, giving my shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

 “I’m nervous about this new job. Thanks for your vote of confidence.”

 “You shouldn’t be nervous. You’re going to do great things, kid. I’m proud of you,” he beamed. “But for now, while I still have you here, a lot of deliveries came in over the weekend and the receiving department is a wreck. Could you head back there and help sort things out?”

 “On it!”

 I gave him a thumbs up and headed towards the office door to start my shift. But then I suddenly remembered Justin’s request, if one could call it such.

 “I do have a small favor to ask before I get to work, Mr. Roberts,” I said, turning back to him.

 “Anything.”

 “I’m going to have to leave a little early today. Mr. Stone asked me to meet him at Cornerstone Tower at three o’clock so that I can fill out a bunch of new hire paperwork.”

 “Not a problem at all. In fact, I have a two o’clock grocery delivery scheduled for Mr. Seymour. It’s just a small one. You can take it to him, and then be finished for the day. Just let me know if you need anything else this week.”

 Walter Roberts was usually pretty easy going. However, with the limited staff at Wally’s, allowing me to leave a few hours early was a lot to give, even for him.

 “Why are you being so agreeable?” I eyed him suspiciously, pausing by the door.

 “Selena, do you realize what Mr. Stone did for this company? For my family?”

 “Um, no not really. I mean…I know that Wally’s was in a tight spot financially, but I don’t know the specifics.”

 “This past year has really taken its toll on me and the Missus. Haven’t you noticed how much less hair I have now versus a year ago?” he joked. But his face quickly turned serious once more, his easy smile turning into a grim line. He looked tired and seemed to visibly age right before my eyes. “We were in jeopardy of foreclosing on most of our properties. Sales have been down, and operating costs have escalated. The cost of keeping the shelves stocked, payroll, and building expenses got to be too much on top of the loan payments. Safety, product, and labor laws had to be first priority. The mortgages became second. Unfortunately, that wasn’t something the bank was willing to understand. So, to make a long story short, Mr. Stone stepped in, bought all of our buildings, and assumed the mortgages. He relieved a big portion of our overhead expense by doing this.”

 “I don’t get it. How was taking on Wally’s debt beneficial to him?”

 “I don’t know all the details on his end, but I do know that he was able to renegotiate a few things with the bank, and now Wally’s will pay rent to Stone Enterprise. He’s not a stupid man by any stretch of the imagination – I’m sure he’s making money off the deal. But he looked at the bigger picture first, when many turned their heads the other way. He considers Wally’s to be a staple in this city, and saved hundreds of jobs. And for that, I will forever be grateful. If Justin Stone hadn’t come along, many people, including me, would be looking for a new livelihood.”

 “He’s a good man,” I murmured. I smiled to myself, remembering all the articles I read about his charity involvements. Wally’s wasn’t a charity, but Justin was their benefactor in a round about way.

 Mr. Roberts eyed me apprehensively, and he seemed to be contemplating his next choice of words.

 “Yes, he is a very good man. But I’d be careful with him. He can be somewhat authoritarian, Selena. I’m not sure if he’s the right man for you,” he warned.

 I stared at him in shock.

 Am I really that transparent?

 “Don’t worry about me, Mr. Roberts. I’m sure I’ll be able to handle Mr. Stone,” I said, albeit halfheartedly. “Now, it’s about time for me to get some work done around here.”

 I gave him a small wave and quickly headed out the door before he could give me any more insightful observations. This was not a discussion I was going to have with my boss, as he had no idea how loaded his words actually were.

I had mused over Mr. Roberts’ warning all day long, as I cleaned and organized the receiving dock at Wally’s. And by the time I arrived at Cornerstone Tower shortly after three o’clock, I wasn’t entirely convinced that Justin was the right man for me either. In fact, he was wrong for me on so many different levels.

 Levels.

 I punched the button for the elevator in Justin’s building, and repeated the word over and over again in my head. It was a reminder of the unfinished business between Justin and I – the list. I could never give him all the things that he wanted. I may be open to some, but definitely not all. I had to be upfront with him before things went any further.

 When I reached the top floor, I found Laura Kaufman sitting behind her desk. She shot an icy glare in my direction when she saw me and I felt a little ashamed. The last time I was in this building, I left in a rush and had rudely ignored her. I smiled politely when I approached her, attempting to make up for my abrupt departure.

 “Hello, Laura. I’m here to meet with Mr. Stone,” I said, reaching out to shake her hand.

 “Yes, he’s been expecting you. Down the hall, first door on the left,” she said dismissively, completely ignoring my outstretched hand.

 Okay, maybe I deserved that.

 “Er…yeah. Thank you.”

 Obviously having no chance at polite conversation, I turned and made my way to Justin’s office. It was easy enough to locate, as the etched gold nameplate on the frosted glass door was a gleaming beacon to all who passed.

   JUSTIN STONE

 Chief Executive Officer

   I gave three short raps on the door, before pushing down on the handle to let myself in. Justin, appearing every bit the part of a polished business man, sat behind a desk of black mahogany surrounded by enormous windows that revealed astonishing city views. He was leaning to one side of his high backed chair, chin resting on his fist. He actually looked more suited for the pages of a Giorgio Armani catalogue, rather than a CEO of a multibillion-dollar corporation.

 “Hey, good-lookin’. Sorry I’m a few minutes late.”

 Justin glanced in my direction and tossed me a single nod.

 “I’ll get you the paperwork in a minute,” he said, before turning back to his computer. He seemed to be in the middle of something. Rather than disturb him, I made myself comfortable in the chair across the desk from him. I waited for him to finish what he was working on, and used the opportunity to look around at the surrounding space.

 Like his conference room, the office was sophisticated in style, boasting a posh interior design with every modern amenity that one could want in a workspace. It made me eager to see the offices at Turning Stone Advertising.

 “You have a really nice office,” I appreciated.

 His only response to my compliment was a slight grunt. I frowned curiously at him, wondering what was up.

 The phone on the desk buzzed and Justin quickly snatched up the receiver.

 “You better be calling me with a date and time, Steve,” he said irritably into the phone. After a moment, his face turned sour. Whatever the person on the other end was saying, it couldn’t have been good. “I don’t care what the excuse is. Find another underwriter to get it done. And if you don’t, then I will. I want this deal closed by the end of the week.”

 He forcefully put the receiver back on to its cradle, turned back to his computer, and began furiously typing on the keyboard. After a minute, he stopped and appeared to be studying whatever was on the screen. His jaw ticked, while his thumb tapped a steady beat on the desktop. I had never seen him look so agitated.

 “Is everything okay?” I asked cautiously.

 Justin looked up from his computer in surprise, almost as if he’d forgotten that I was there.

 “Everything is fine. I just hate delays.” And with that, he picked up the receiver again and dialed a number. “Laura, get ahold of Joshua Swanson. Tell him to check his email. I want a progress update by the end of the day.”

 He’s on a warpath over something…

 “What happened?”

 He eyed me strangely, but didn’t answer my question. Instead, he got up from his desk and went over to a file cabinet.

 “Here’s the salary and benefit information for you to look over. It includes a severance deal as well,” he said coolly, unceremoniously tossing a manila folder onto the desk. “After you read it, you’ll need to sign a few things near the back.”

 He sat back down and returned to whatever task he had been so engrossed in. I was rather taken aback, his frosty reception perplexing. I squirmed uncomfortably in my seat. Between Justin and Laura, I was beginning to think that there was something seriously wrong with the water at Cornerstone Tower.

 “I think I offended Laura the last time I was here,” I stated casually, trying to do something – anything, to break the tension that was in the room.

 “Don’t worry about her. She can be fickle sometimes, but she’s extremely efficient, which is why I keep her around,” he absently waved off, not looking away from his flat screen monitor.

 Something wasn’t right, and it wasn’t just his frustration over a delay. He was acting different towards me. Cold.

 Is this the way he planned on separating our personal lives from work?

 I watched him for a moment longer before picking up the folder, the click of the mouse the only sound that could be heard in the room. I opened it and pretended to peruse the contents, but I wasn’t really seeing them. I flipped through the pages, chancing furtive glances at him, in an attempt to decipher the real reason behind his mood.

 “Justin, what’s wrong?” I finally asked.

 “Nothing is wrong,” he dismissed, again not bothering to glance up. More silence. Another click-click.

 Maybe he got what he wanted last night and now he’s done with me.

 I fought the familiar internal battle between my insecurities and basic common sense. It was a real struggle not to imagine the worst.

 I’m not my mother…it’s better to ask than assume.

 “Look, I understand our arrangement, but do you really need to act so rigid towards me? I mean, we’re not exactly strangers anymore.” I received no answer, just a few more clicks. After several minutes of listening to nothing but his tapping on the mouse, my patience slowly diminished, and self-doubting instincts began to override all rational thoughts. In the end, conjecture won out. “I’m sorry, but am I interrupting something of vital importance here? Or is it that last night you got your quick fuck and this is your way of saying sayonara?”

 He looked up sharply, eyes piercing through me like knives.

 “First of all, you’re not a quick fuck. I don’t want to hear you say anything like that again. Ever,” he spat out. “Secondly, you left last night.”

 Ohhhh, so that’s what’s got his panties in a bind…

 “So what if I left? I had to work today and I didn’t have any clothes with me. I had to go.”

 And that was the truth. Partially.

 “You leave when I say you can leave.”

 “Oh, is that how it is? Well, let me tell you –,” I started before he abruptly cut me off.

 “There were important things that needed to be discussed last night. I only dozed off for a few minutes. That did not entitle you to make an impromptu exit,” he boomed. I felt myself wince. Justin was not the type to shout, as his quiet authority was enough to get any point across. He must have realized how loudly he was talking, because when he began again, his voice had noticeably lowered several octaves. “Did you talk to your roommate last night when you got home?”

 “Um…no. She was asleep when I got in. Why?” I asked, completely thrown for a loop by his question.

 “That’s one of the things that I wished to speak with you about last night. Imagine my surprise when I woke up to find that you were gone,” he added with a frown.

 “You wanted to talk about Allyson?”

 “Not Allyson. My privacy. Remember what I said about keeping my affairs quiet? You cannot tell your roommate about us.”

 “It’s going to be sort of hard to hide, Justin. I do live with her after all.”

 “I don’t mean about the two of us being together. You can obviously tell her that much at least. I’m referring to what we do behind closed doors.”

 I raised one eyebrow at him in surprise.

 If I told Allyson the truth about you, she’d hull my ass to a shrink so fast that my head would spin. She would think that I had lost my damn mind.

 I loved my friend, but I knew that she’d never understand. Allyson could not know about Justin’s naughty bedroom antics.

 “Oh, no worries there. I won’t tell Ally,” I quickly assured him. But after I spoke the promise, I immediately felt a small pain of guilt over not being truthful with my best friend.

 “Nobody else can know either. I’m very serious about this. I am often in the public eye. What I do, what I like…it can be viewed as dirty laundry by most people. I would prefer not to have it aired.”

 “Oh, and here I thought I might call the gossip columnist from –,” I stopped short when I saw his face pale. “Justin, I’m only kidding. I’m not the kiss and tell type. Even with Ally. My sex life is nobody’s business. You can relax.”

 “Don’t joke about this, Selena.”

 I put my hands up in mock surrender.

 “No more jokes. I promise.”

 He leaned forward on the desk and pressed his forehead against his palms. Shaking his head as if to clear it, he eventually looked back up at me. He seemed calmer, yet there was a certain level of torment in his eyes.

 “I’m not one to lose my head like that, Selena.”

 “It’s fine, Justin. You seem like you’ve had a rough day. Don’t think twice about it,” I blew off.

 “No, no. It’s just that…I tend to forget myself with you sometimes. In all honesty, I don’t think that you’ll go running your mouth about us. I’m just pissed off that you left last night. I wanted you to stay. I’m sorry for raising my voice the way that I did,” he apologized, catching me by surprise with his admission.

 “I suppose I owe you an apology as well. I’m sorry that I slipped out on you. And since we’re being honest with each other, it wasn’t that I didn’t have a change of clothes – although, that was a small part of the reason. I’m just trying to keep this thing between us as simple as possible. I thought that staying at your place would only complicate things.”

 “Only if you allow it to, Selena.” He smiled wryly at me. “If you’re going to be my submissive, you’ll be doing overnights.”

 Whether or not I was going to do overnights was subject to debate, one that I didn’t want to get into at that particular moment. I had just gotten him to calm down and I didn’t want to rile him again. Besides, it was my submission, or rather his freaky-deak ideas about what he expected me to do, that really needed addressing.

 “Yeah, about that. I’ll try to keep an open mind about overnights,” I began. “But first, we need to go over the list that you wrote. However, I’m not sure if this is the most appropriate place for talking about it.”

 “For Christ’s sake, Selena. Forget the stupid list! That’s negotiable, and doesn’t even begin to explain what I expect from you.” He got up from his chair and came around to where I was sitting. He pulled me up to my feet and placed his hands firmly on my hips. His heated eyes zeroed in on mine. “The list is only words on paper. Being in a dominant and submissive relationship means more than textbook terms. It’s a lifestyle – one that I want to teach you. For your sake, I’m going to take it slow. As for the overnights, you’ll have to stay at my place if you want to learn. And I’m serious when I say, you’ll have to stay over often.”

 “I don’t see why I have to spend the night with you in order to learn anything, Justin.”

 “It’s my job as your Dominant to see to your every want and need. I can’t very well do that when you’re not with me. We got off to a more conventional start than what I am used to. But that ends now. You’re staying the weekend with me.”

 “It would have been nice of you to ask, rather than order –.”

 He placed a finger over my lips to silence me.

 “Remember lesson number one? Unconditional obedience. You want to learn, don’t you?” he asked, but it wasn’t really a question. It was more like a challenge.

 I could feel the heat coming off of him, his body so close to mine, yet not quite touching. His eyes burned into me, blazing with desire. I slowly let out the air in my lungs that I hadn’t realized I had been holding.

 “Yes,” I finally answered hesitantly.

 “Good. Then here’s another lesson for you. When you are in my home, you will be naked. Always. Unless I command you otherwise. Since you’re so focused on my list, you’ll remember that nudity was written on there. I want you easily accessible to me at all times.”

 My eyes widened and I couldn’t respond to him if I tried. All words had escaped me. I wanted to argue that I couldn’t always be naked, yet a part of me relished the idea. It was so easy to get wrapped up in his words. His fantasies. It was so simple to get lost in the haze, my thoughts constantly muddled in the depths of those sapphire eyes.

 I shook my head to clear the fog, the practical side of me winning out yet again.

 “Look, I know you said to forget it, but we really need to discuss that list. Last night was beyond amazing, but I know that you went gentle on me. I’m afraid of what’s coming next. If I’m going to do this, it’s important that we talk about it.”

 “I knew that’s how you would feel,” he said, shaking his head in resignation. He stepped away from me, leaving a cold and vacant space that was once fiery hot just seconds before. He leaned over his desk and plucked out a sheet of paper that was buried under a pile of folders. “That’s why I brought the damn thing with me today. I figured that I wouldn’t be able to convince you to drop it.”

 “You brought the list here?”

 “Are you surprised?”

 “Well…yes. I mean, what if someone saw it!” I exclaimed, mortified at the thought of Laura stumbling across a list of taboo sexcapades.

 “Don’t worry, Selena. Nobody enters this office without my knowledge,” he said, laughing at my outward shock.

 “I just assumed, considering your concerns over privacy, that we would keep our personal stuff a little more discrete.”

 “And we will, for the most part. Come on. Let’s sit down and get this over with.” He motioned me to follow him to cushy leather loveseat at the far end of the room. Once we were comfortably seated, he spread the list out on the low glass table that was in front of us. “We’ll go through this together, one thing at a time. You can cross off anything that is off limits and then we can discuss anything that you would consider.”

 “You want to go through this here? Right now?”

 “I do. And when we are finished, we put this away for good and you’re all mine. Deal?”

 “Why are you doing this? You clearly have certain expectations. Why would you consider altering them for me? What if I say that I can’t do any of these things?”

 He looked up sharply, tearing his eyes from the paper and fixing me with his steely gaze. For a moment I could see right through him, all of his turmoil and indecision transparent. He wasn’t used to changing his ways. Yet, there was certain amount of savagery in his expression as well, and I believed it to be the driving force behind sorting out his uncertainties.

 “There’s something about you, Selena. I don’t really know what it is – I only know that from the first moment I saw you, all I’ve thought about is burying my cock inside you. If I have to make a few adjustments, trust me when I say that I’m willing to do so. However, you get today only. After we go through this, I won’t coddle you any more.”

 His tenacity was inspiring, and I was suddenly overcome with a feeling of determination. I had to do this. I didn’t want to be a scared timid girl, afraid of the shadows that lurked in the night. I wanted to explore the dark edges of desire. With him. And I wanted to please him.

 “Do you have any highlighters around here?” I asked.

 “Ah, I might?”

 The perplexed expression on his face was almost comical, forcing me to clarify my obsessive need for organization.

 “My OCD is kicking in. I mean, I’m not really OCD. I just need to color code this stuff, okay?”

 His confusion was slowly replaced by amusement, making me fully aware of how silly this all was, despite my crazy need to have some sort of framework outlined for this relationship.

 “Let me see what I can find,” he obliged with a slight chuckle.

 Justin went back over to his desk and began rifling through a drawer. I took a minute to scan the list again. I thought about the night before and the way he had worked magic on my body. I certainly enjoyed last night, ropes and all. I was sure that was only a sampling of what he could make me feel.

 I need to keep an open mind.

 With both pain and pleasure.

Normas�P�3�

[addressedtomyex]

After the break up of a 2 year relationship, I wrote this letter during the first week.

Here’s the thing, and I know this might sound crazy, over dramatic, attention seeking, and just down right pathetic, but I might not ever get over you.

Whenever I picture my future I see you there, rooting me on. Keeping my dreamful mind realistic and yet confident. You truly are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Before I met you, I had no direction. I didn’t have any strong male figures in my life and definitely no order. My life was chaos and you were my saving grace. At first, the transition was different but I was so excited to have guidance. Life is beautiful when you learn to see the good in everything instead of seeing the flaws, and you helped me find that within myself. I didn’t expect to be back in school or thinking about a career but you guided me to the right path. You bring out the best in me. You give me happiness, self-respect, and confidence. I'm so grateful for that.

This is very cliche but, you know me like no one else does. You know what it takes to get me moving and inspired. You truly are my best friend. You know what makes me laugh, what I get annoyed at, how to push my buttons the right way and when to just lay down next to me and watch silly videos. We can read each other's expressions, even if we’re not making any. People envy the bond that we have. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard “I wish I had a relationship like yours.”

Life is weird, and I’ll never fully understand it. The brain is weird and I’ll never fully understand that either. What I do understand is that when two people have a bond like this, they should never throw it away. I don’t know what the future holds for us. I know you don’t love me and you might never will but here’s the thing... We were always really close. We were always really good friends, and I want us to always be like that. It will be extremely hard for me to cope with the fact that you will never love me but what’s more important, is to just have you in my life. Who you are, what you stand for and what you’ve done for me. I’ll learn to sacrifice my want for you romantically to be able to keep a strong friendship. When I first met you, I said that I didn’t want to fall for you because I valued our friendship too much. I already knew how much you were going to mean to me. As we starting dating that friendship grew and grew and now, I can’t picture my life without it. I don’t want a future without you. No matter what that future is.

There’s still so many things that I want to do with you. I want to go on late night drives with no destination, just to look at the stars. I want to travel to foreign countries and eat food I can’t pronounce the name of. I want to take a fun fitness class with you. I want to take cooking classes, well I’d take a baking one because we both know I love sweets. I want you to be there when I graduate and sweep me off my feet and carry me through the crowd. I want you to finally teach me how to drive and help me find a reliable car. (side note: I’m just so scared and I’m sorry how frustrating it can be that I don't drive.) I want you to teach me a different language or learn piano but I’m always so embarrassed to try something like that because I don’t want you to think I’m stupid if I can’t grasp it. I’ve never been able to tell you that either and I’m sorry. It’s hard for me to admit things like that. Most importantly, I want you to see me become the person I’ve always wanted to be. I want you by my side as I accept a job offer from my dream production company. I want you to be proud of the woman you helped me become.

Okay, this part is hard, but I have to say it. I need you to know what I’ve been going through. It’s been really hard the past few days. I keep looking back at photos and texts looking for answers but only finding love, only finding hope. It’s hard to make sense of it all and I ask myself a lot of questions. One moment I’m crying and screaming begging for things to change. The next I have feelings of hatred followed by “I don't need you” and my life will be better off. Then I miss you and the cycle starts again.

I started hating you for making me feel this way. I tried to push you out of my mind but that never works.  I can't stop thinking about how you feel, how you smell. I miss your good night kisses and morning goodbyes. There are spots where your face is missing on my walls, where love once hung. Night time is the hardest. Getting changed and trying to prepare for the tears is unbearable. I never knew I could cry this much, care this much. I’m starting to feel worthless and pathetic. I feel like I’ll never be loved because if I'm not good enough for you, then I'll never be good enough for anyone. I’m having crazy anxiety and an influx of numerous emotions constantly.

My eyes were so swollen on Wednesday, I could hardly open them. It looked like a bee stung both of them. My first thoughts before opening my eyes are of your face and how you’re doing. Then my second thought is, “Donald Trump is president and my boyfriend of two years just dumped me because he doesn't love me anymore. What the hell is this world coming to?”. Once the swelling in my eyes went down, I could see a bit more clearly. I thought “Maybe I was wrong. Maybe you were never the person I was supposed to be with. Maybe I just wanted you to be that person.” But maybe, just maybe you really were.

I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night crying and shaking. I want to scream as loud as I can. I want to punch and kick and break everything. I want to do crazy things like move to a different country where no one knows me and just start over. I can't think logically and I’m mad because nothing makes sense. My head pounds from crying so much. My body aches from all the pain, making it hard to do anything without being constantly reminded. Even if you aren't on my mind my body is still feeling the repercussions.

I hate that you’re leaving me. I hate that everything changed.

I can’t stop thinking about you and what you’re doing. I constantly want to call you and talk to you about how I feel even though I know you don’t have anything to say. I haven’t been able to eat for days. I just want you to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. The pain is unbearable. No one can stop it but you. I love you more than I love myself and that’s fucked up. I feel like you don’t appreciate me or anything I’ve done for you. I’m tired of fighting, I’m tired of getting my hopes up. I tired of thinking I matter when I don’t. I just want to sleep until everything is ok again. It’s shitty to think about how much potential I thought my life had two months ago. I was starting to feel real happiness and now I'm lower than ever. I need sympathy from you. I feel like you're just mad at me for being so sad and it’s making everything so much worse. I should be getting out of the house and trying to find ways to forget about you and move on but I can’t. I’m tired of waking up in the morning and crying. You’re my best friend and you’re only person I want to talk with. We’ve been like that since 2014.  I’m so lost without you. I’m so fucking lonely every day.

I miss the way I look when I’m happy. I miss the way I’d feel every morning. I miss the glow you gave me. I want to be able to smile again.

Every song I hear is about you. Every plan I make, I think about you. Every person I talk to will ask me about you. My life is all about you. Every moment is a moment of denial. “This isn’t happening”, “He’s gonna change his mind”, “I know he loves me”. Every day I wake up and I still don’t think you’re gone. It just feels wrong. Like some sick joke. I don’t know when it will go away, it’s haunting. I begged to a god that doesn’t exist to take everything I have just so I can have you. Every corner I turn, every person that walks past me, I hope it’s you. My optimism is killing me one false hope at a time.

I probably shouldn’t say this, but I’m going to anyway. I wanted to marry you. I pictured what our wedding photos would look like, what our kids would look like, what type of house we’d live in and where our dog would play. I pictured going on family vacations and huge dinners on Holidays. I thought about how we would raise our children and all the amazing things we could teach them. I pictured how incredibly smart and beautiful they would be. I envisioned a perfect future. But most importantly, I pictured you always being my big, strong, man.

I’m 26 and I don't want to spend the next 5 years searching for a man to marry just to find out later on that he’s not the one. I don't want to be an “old mom” I wanted to start a life with a family by 35. I feel that it’s impossible now. You were everything I ever wanted.

My friends and family tell me “How could anyone NOT love you?” which makes everything a lot worse. I began asking myself why you wouldn’t love me and if not me then who? And that’s the worst part. I keep thinking “WAKE UP, everything you could ever possibly want and have is right here in front of you.” What makes this so hard is the fact that nothing really bad happened. There was no cause of death to make sense of it all.

You’ve told me many times that you were confused about life and it’s purpose. You feel like your life is constantly on repeat. You use to be very happy and full of energy. Now, you're constantly tired and you don't have much ambition to go out and do new things. Now that I’m in school, I don't really have a lot of time to go and do random things and that may have added to your sadness. I am normally the one to encourage adventures and change. But I have also been feeling the weight of the world recently. So I haven't really been doing much of anything besides work, school and hanging out with you at home and I’m sorry for that. I hate that everything changed. We use to have so many friends and inside jokes. We use to do so much. Not just you and I but as a group. We use to spend so much time outside.

Jobs suck. If I didn’t have to have a job I’d be traveling the world, meeting people and doing crazy things with the ones I love. But jobs are what keep our lives going. Some people really want a lot of money but don’t need it. It’s important to weigh out salary and happiness. Find out what's more important, and go with that. Never forget that you are your most valuable asset. It’s not your house or your car, it’s you. Always be investing in your own talents and growth.

I want you to be happy. I don’t want you to worry about what life means, I just want you to live it and have fun with it. From my 26 years on this planet, I've learned that life doesn’t really have a purpose. The important things like friends, family, relationships and experiences are what power your life. I’m always going to be here for you. I will always help you through any sort of problems you have. I will always have an open mind and heart. I will never judge you.

I won’t ever give up on you. All good things are worth fighting for, waiting for.  I will always keep trying. I want you at your worst. I want you when you are screaming and crying and you feel like your life is falling apart. I want everything. I love you unconditionally. I’ve loved you from the moment I first laid eyes on you.  I will always, always love you. So badly, it hurts.

I’m constantly learning and keeping an open mind to change and growth.  I did everything I could to be the best version of myself for you. I’ll never know what took your love away and that will stay with me for the rest of my life. Sometimes things just don’t end up the way you hoped and there's nothing you can do or say to change it. It’s tough but maybe this is some sort of weird “everything happens for a reason” lesson.

God, we had so many great times together. I’ll never forget the way you look at me when I stand on my tip toes for a kiss. Or the way you laugh when I splash you in the shower, the times we spent so much time in the pool. I loved that. I’ll never forget all of the times you jump out to scare me or all the silly memes you talk about that completely are lost on me. I’ll never forget the first time you kissed me and how I bumped my head on the window moments earlier. I’ll never forget your passion for music and how upset you were when the quality of everything coming out declined, it was such a big bummer for you. I’ll never forget that night you drove me home in the pouring rain just to tell me you loved me at the very end. I’ll never forget that feeling I had when I got inside and screamed. I’ll never forget that feeling of acceptance from your family when I met them for the very first time. I’ll never forget that time you kicked the fan in the litter box and litter and poop went everywhere. I look back at all those moments and live briefly through each photo, each text, each memory. It’s important to remember how we both felt.

As sad as it may make me feel, I want to do it. It helps me remember the good things in life. It keeps me hopeful that maybe I can be happy again. I want to believe there is somebody out there just for me. I want to believe that I exist to be there for that somebody. I can’t wait for the day that somebody tells me I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to them and they mean it.

This whole ordeal has taught me that people aren’t going to always be there for me and I need to learn how to handle things on my own. No matter how hard it may be. No matter what comes my way I will always be positive and stay grateful. I will never lose hope and never stop fighting for what I believe in.

You are such an inspiring person and I’m beyond grateful that I was able to share the time that I did with you. I admire you. You’ll never know how much you truly meant to me beyond our relationship. You are undoubtedly the best thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you for that and I hope one day we can have that same strong bond again.

[nightshade-anura]

yeah but how many things has cabin 9 created just to annoy people