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feuqueerfire · 8 months ago

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The Good Bad Mother Live Blogging

I know of this show because Lee Dohyun is starring in it but I didn't add it to the list bc it seems a little too depressing. But now Lee Dohyun's in the military so nothing new from him for a while but my desire to see him act reignited after his episode in Death's Game, so I decided to see if I'd be interested in any of the shows he's done and this one seems more lighthearted than I expected, like this Youtube edit I saw (even though it'll likely still be fairly heavy at times because I know there's child abuse).

Seems like a beloved show with an actor who is beloved to me, I hope I enjoy it. Besides, not like I thought I'd love 18 Again as much as I did.

Ep 1 (Apr 1)

ahhh cute, the pig proposal

aughhh he's so happy to be a dad, i'm assuming he's gonna die or be so injured that he's at the hospital forever or something? will the fire that this guy warned about be the reason...

Ah fuck, not the fuckers wanting to tear down the farm... will they set the farm on fire and get the husband killed? ever since that guy warmed about a fire, i keep thinking it'll be the cause of this man's death, I even wondered if the torch whatever will have fire that does something lol

agh duh these fuckers are committing arson, as expected

nooooo, not all the fucking villagers having been bought or threatened by the Construction fuckers

and fuckass prosecutor bruhhhh are they gonna kill him or something?

this reminds me of the beginning of Psychopath Diary where things were just piling and piling and piling up and I couldn't do it anymore

they done killed him and framed it as suicide goddamn

she's going to a different village, i see

these villagers are so funny lmfao

ah, the other baby was a girl (as expected because they kept wanting a son too much and it was uncomfortable...), is she gonna be the love interest?

I'm not surprised Mijoo's father turned out to be trash, he wanted a son way too much

Lee Dohyun 1st appearance, hiiii

Mijoo's crush on him is cute

pleaseeee Kangho likes her too hehehe

not at this exact timing pleaseeeeee

nooo the birthday meal

Kangho and Mijoo are so cute man, do they divorce or something later on? Cuz I know Kangho has 2 kids he seemingly played with but was the mother of those kids not in the picture? I vaguely remember that they maybe reconnected or had a happy ending in terms of romance

Ah, and this is where he decided to become somebody who will be cold and powerful

ahhh ewwwww not the parallels but Kangho becoming the terrible shitty corrupt prosecutor T.T and for a Construction company too, nonetheless

omg not A construction company, THE construction company: Woobyuk... girl they killed your dad! the guy you're calling boss, I'm assuming, is the same guy, Song Woo Byuk !! so unless you're doing this to gain his trust and betray him, you're fucked

I think in this show and Psychopath Diary, it's like yes, this much corruption can exist or these terrible things can happen to one person, so the unfortunate circumstances piling up were worse than in A Killer Paradox which had bad circumstances but it was due to accidentally murdering someone (+ some possible supernatural power), which is easier to deal with because it's extremely unlikely.

Very good episode, I'm really engaged and it's a good mix of humour vs tragedy.

Ep 2 (Apr 1)

ewww Kangho nooo, working with Woobyuk Construction and taking bribes like cars and houses T.T and even getting offered to be the dude's son like that man killed your father !! At least he didn't give the phone as evidence though... maybe in the end when he's back to being his old self, he'll use it to take down Woobyuk

Kangho sliiightly suspicious, like is he actually just getting close to Woobyuk to take it down?

he's too happy to be this man's son so I'm like nah he's into this but then he keeps repeating the homerun or strikeout line and didn't give the phone ah

ah you're a shitty father too I'm assuming

Kangho... wouldn't be cheating on Mijoo right? He wouldn't, right? No, right? like I assumed he's a bad husband since he's rejecting her calls but...

why is her mother pretending she's in the US? Are... Kangho and Mijoo not married? I thought the Jouri calling Kangho was her... aren't the kids supposed to be his? Maybe Mijoo got pregnant when they ended things and Kangho doesn't know? Since he apparently never visits the village either?

oh i see, the father is unknown

ouch, Kangho not letting his mother come up to his room when she brought food all the way to Seoul for his birthday

Oh Tae Soo? was that the prosecutor's name from Kangho's father's case or no?

Is that the ballerina girl who had a scuffle with Mijoo?

So this is still in the past right? Kangho for some reason targetted Oh Tae Soo's daughter for drugs, is it because he's Woobyuk Group's enemy? but I thought they worked together?

oh I hate this I am sooooo susceptible to Lee Dohyun being a romantic interest like omg this is not the ship I'm gunning for, where's Mijoo?!

damn, Oh Tae Soo threatening Kangho just like that

ah, she is indeed the ballerina who kicked Mijoo man fuck

also he hasn't broken up with her yet, so has this happened like just a few days ago or what?

ah, Tae Soo betrayed Woobyuk group

pls Kangho's plan to join Woohyuk Group, himself, and the president together by becoming Woohyuk's son and Tae Soo's son in law

but I also don't trust Woobyuk group and Oh Tae Soo to not work together and betray Choi Kangho as well

Is he... gonna fucking kill the mother/baby???? Choi Kangho...

he is so fucking utterly deplorable oh my god Choi Kangho just murdered someone and their baby... like I'm in disbelief... I want to think that he just pretended.... and somehow didn't have the people in the car when he pushed it into the water

oh I see Jouri is the village name lol I forgot and thought it was a nickname for Mijoo lol

Awooga, he wants to be adopted by the Chairman, which means he has to no longer be the son of his mother or what?

Ah, the fucking food thing really got to me like in all these dramas and also IRL, I'm freaking obsessed with food and sharing food between families and significant others and close friends etc, so it was already tragic before when the mother kept telling Kangho to not eat too much/to not be full so that he's not sleepy and the way he didn't have his birthday dinner with his mom the day he got stuck with Mijoo and not accepting the food that his mom brought to Seoul but now her offering him food again and him rejecting it

and finally, the accident

I've realized that the woman who plays Mijoo was also the cop from Strangers From Hell.

Woah, not only is Lee Dohyun the lead in this but the director Shim Na Yeon is also the same director as Beyond Evil.

I already know the kids are Kangho's because of comments on that edit. The biggest question for me now is whether Kangho is double-crossing these powerful people or not, because I don't think he actually murdered that mother and child and maybe he is just biding his time and such.

But idk if we're gonna actually get any of the plot stuff in the next 10? 11? episodes since he's gonna be kid-like

Anyway, so far, they're obviously both unlikeable because although the mother started off kind in ep 1 and is not again kind and pitiful, she abused Kangho throughout his childhood by forbidding him from eating too much or engaging in hobbies or doing anything fun while now Kangho isn't just cutting off his mother (not unreasonable IMO) but also scheming with powerful corrupt people (unreasonable and deplorable if true and not just him biding his time).

Ep 3 (Apr 1)

Ah fuck, the way he doesn't let him eat is actually insane like he has to hide when he's eating food

I was wondering if the accident was intentional, seems like Oh Tae Soo was maybe behind it

omggg the daughter was behind it?! crazyyyy. I was like I don't see how it'd be planned that only he would get hurt but it makes sense if she was in on it

I wonder why she's in on it and for how long? Like did the father tell her that Kangho's using her after he was threatened and that's why? Or was it even before that?

are we gonna have a stalker or something for Mijoo's storyline? I want better for female characters than to be threated with rape and murder fr. Her nail salon is fun, let's continue with that

oh my god it's Samsik the dumbass

So Samsik was tricked into taking that ring or what?

crying at them simultaneously asking each other when Samsik is discharging and when Mijoo is coming back but then being like whelp... back to work

girl this is so fucked up like he forgot such huge chunks of his life but not the mantra of if you're full, you'll be sleepy and if you're sleepy, you can't study.

I did wonder if the woman was gonna run away with the money but they did open the shop and her and Mijoo were working together, so I guessed no... oof

It's a terrible mix of humor and cruelty to once again see Kangho deprived of food "for his own good"

Well, at least he's moving his wrist/hand enough to eat again

Ep 4 (Apr 1)

Bro, I can't be binging the show like this, each ep is 70-80 mins long but I'm obsessed, why is it so good?

the 7 year old twins are sooo funny lmfaooo terrorizing their father like this not that they know the relationship yet

omggg she'd taken out the money from her bankbook that she had for her kids for this nail salon T.T

bruh Mijoo and Kangho are so cute and she's even investing in him and believing in him, is Kangho the one who leaves? After he makes it? I'll be so mad

ah, Woobyuk guy knows that Choi Kangho knows that he killed his dad

oof, Kangho's mother faced with the fact that Kangho took bribes and has harmed innocent people and people protest him

not the kids talking about how their father is a horrifying bastard according to their grandma right to their father Kangho heh

omg this is such a tragic scene when she's losing her mind over Kangho having been a terrible person but also he literally doesn't remember

ahhh Mijoo and Kangho meeting ?!?!?! cried

Lee Dohyun as a male love interest or as a son with a mother-son or father-son relationship being explored always gets me like fr. 18 Again, Death's Game, Good Bad Mother all have bits of both and he's so good at it.

Ep 5 (Apr 1)

losing my mind, Mijoo and Kangho are so cute

oh...he's hiding something from Mijoo? I saw some comments that said that maybe as he was finding more about his father's death and concocting a plan, he decided to leave Mijoo (and his mother although that was already done) so that the enemies don't have something to hurt him with/harm Mijoo to get back at him

oh he even says there's something he wants to do and she says and you must do it on your own? so ig it really is revenge related

"That's it? I thought I'd receive more for devoting myself to making you a prosecutor." frrr agh women supporting their male partners through school and such and then these dudes leaving them once they achieve their dream

ahh her talking like he just used her for cooking, chores and love T.T

omg I just realized the nail thing like Mijoo doing her mother's nails with markers as a child vs properly now

so am I supposed to actually care about/pay attention to this artist mans and whatever he's up to?

plss it'd be hilarious if the yakuza story is true bc someone on the on-air thread was like maybe the mask, funny lady is actually in a gang

why are there so many mentions of the foot-and-mouth disease like farm restrictions and on the TV, is something gonna happen to her farm?

oh yeah Jiwoong was in this for 1 second apparently lol

oof, so Hayoung's father told her that Kangho killed his other woman and child (when in fact he (pretended to?) kill the father's other child lol)

okay as soon as the pig started running and the kids + Kangho started chasing, I was like man what if there's a car crash but at least the singer dude crashed his own car and didn't hurt one of the kids

omg how must Mijoo feel to see Kangho and her kids barelling towards her, she's never seen this happen (it didn't even happen for 7 years)

damn the village president and the mask lady are rich af

anyway, I know the mother apparently dies by the end, so I guess this illness is the beginning of that?

bruhhh that's fr crazy, Woobyuk's men have just been hiding inside the cabinets to protect Kangho?

Omg I think I remember a scene from the edit where Kangho made a mess but was trying to convince his mother that in fact some kidnappers or strange men came and made a mess. I thought it was a funny coverup but seems like the pig thing happened but also the fight between strange men was true loll

Ep 6 (Apr 1)

ah, they're not there to protect Kangho but to find dirt on Oh Tae Soo, which they may assume is with Kangho

not the guard yaoi in the closet (lol!)

do we have to pay attention to that Star tattoo on Oh Tae Soo's man?

What exactly are they looking for the original copy of? Is it to do with Kangho or possibly to do with the case of his father from 35 years ago?

is Kangho's mother going to do something for the mother who was protesting against Kangho in front of the office building?

pls I'm dying at this singer Hoon mans literally making the rounds around this village to meet the former elementary school classmates

omggg not the kids literally being like heh it feels like we're eating dinner as a family, Kangho dad, Mijoo mom

omg the kids also don't like carrots, just like Kangho

"Was I a bad person to Mijoo-ssi too? I hope I wasn't. But I guess I was" alksdfjlaksdfj;laskdfj k;l

omg Young-soon's parents and brother died in a car crash?

stage 4 stomach cancer omg

not the "stand up" like I get that she's doing it because she thinks she won't be here for much longer but he'll have to live on his own but like come on...

Does Mijoo's mother know that Kangho's the father at all?

Ep 7 (Apr 2)

dyinggg these bodyguards actually buying the farm, I’m gonna need them to have a house and a farm and a relationship by the end of this show lmfao

nooo i expected the pig disease but they aren’t even the ones sick, the goats nearby are and so they gotta be culled

oh so Kangho was exposing Woobyuk Group in disguise but as the man said, he was patching it up as well.

ahh Yejin having a breakdown like our dad must be smart and cool and rich and great!!!

omg she really was planning on killing herself with the herbicide and now hanging herself? nooooo

this show is fucking insane omg

also i got impatient and checked and it seems like at least by mid ep 12 his memory is back? he was talking about needing to commit multiple crimes to cover up one crime but by ep 10 he was still child like im supposed to now just go to sleep after that ending?

Ep 8 (Apr 2)

this is actually so fucked up like yes he can’t stand or walk. yay what the ruck, you’re throwing him into the water in the rain to make him try to survive? it kinda bothers me that by the end i guess he’ll fully gain strength and ability in his legs but it could’ve been interesting if they showed that he was never able to walk again or maybe he could stand and walk for short periods of time but still needed his wheelchair. but that would be a focus on disability and this is more concerned with shock and emotion

that letter… what did Kangho know or plan?

omg?! in the memories?

this showwww

Ep 9 (Apr 2)

I’m so excited that we’re getting to see this actually because i was afraid we wouldn’t get answers before man’s memory comes back

ohh the art thing

so he found out about the Ih Tae Soo being in kahoots with Woobyuk after doing a lot of investing

kinda confusing when exactly the timelines are bc it’s like before appointment day, appointment day, his investigations as a prosecutor

also he doesn’t mention Mijoo by name right

i don’t get the yoon jaemin and jongsu thing like what is happening

oh is that woobyuk guy’s grandson

as expected he didn’t kill them

i mean yeah she’s human but the way they’re showing her humanity by her showing the aftermath of her literal and immense abuse like idkkkk i felt like he should have been mad and angry and not so understanding of his own abuse for his entire childhood but ig that’s just what happens when you grow up in an abusive situations like this

what was that at the end? corpse in the water? was the woman in the car the mother of oh tae soo baby? did she kill the boat guy and go back in a car with someone else?

Ep 10 (Apr 2)

makes sense it was a dream cuz it was so over the top

so everything really is burnt. i get her insistence on her no longer being a prosecutor seeking revenge tho

crying at these bodyguard buffoons (but also i thought they’d already gone through the shed and taken the original paternity test document)?

augh setting him up with a woman for marriage while he has no interest in it and seems to not even know what it is fr

losing my mind at lee dohyun’s fave

ah, Kangho’s memories of Mijoo from their teenage years

aw kiss after the same sentence as the hospital

just remembered that the mother thinks Mijoo has a husband in the US

he started calling her mijoo-ya another ssi

sooo done w Samsik and his thieving ways. hope kangho gets him a silly ring

wait she died? also somebody on air said how did the escape plan happen if oh tae soo men were watching and taking pics

ah repeating cycles of abuse and imposing her will onto kangho

oh she told her mom about Kangho being the father

dang what’s mijoo planning on doing? confessing its kangho and her kids?

Ep 11 (Apr 2)

did like 15 mins of work, took a nap and now im back for more episodes

well Mijoo is gonna get Kangho in the end but Hoang! do not worry, i can marry you!

omg Kangho returned bags or presents or whatever to his mother but had the dna test in one of the stitchings and then his mother gave it away which landed in Samsik’s hands

but he’s fr a shameless dumb fucker so idk what he’s gonna done w it

let’s just let this woman die <3 we had kangho saying that his mother actually isn’t a bad person and i was like i’ll let it slide bc she’s i’ll in bed so you’re sympathetic towards her but the way she’s yelling at kangho saying why do you keep ruining his life? oh die fuck you

and while we’re at it let’s also kill samsik he’s learning too much

oof now fuckass Samsik has some important stuff

oh samsik's giving the info to Tae Soo daughter...

lol fool, did he give the original DNA copy?

and just straight up asking for 202 million won

augh, Samsik stresses me out and then even gets kidnapped? Is it Woobyeok group?

ah, Oh Tae Soo's men?

oh, same tattoo as guy who the Woobyuk people chased before. Who is he and why is his identity always hidden?

Ah, Oh Tae Soo thinks that this stuff was recorded because of Woobyuk?

I mean yeah, Hayoung did in fact try to kill Kangho lol

girl where is Samsik, the bodyguard couple saved him but he disappeared or what?

auuu Mijoo and Kangho singing the same song to their children and mother respectively

aww cute Yejin with her nunchi

Is this fire Oh Tae Soo's doing?

okayyy Kangho's memories are back I'm guessing since I already saw a bit that made me think so in ep 12

Ep 12 (Apr 2)

Ah theoretically Samsik lead the Woobyuk guards to the burning farm so I'll forgive him

sorry I'm dead, Kangho leaving the place carrying Samsik on his back is actually crazy lmfao

ah, Mother saying it was her fault that caused the fire so that there's no investigation because Samsik was mentioning strange men and she knows they caused the fire to warn them/Kangho

last 3 eps, so of course things are piling up, including Kangho being arrested under suspicion of murder (the fuckers even said they'd pin Kangho as the father)

ahh he's back

Lee Dohyun looking at the kids

ahh did Kangho think Mijoo was with the other guy and they're his kids? Also just realized I called Kangho Dohyun lmfao beautiful man

Death's Game didn't have Lee Dohyun with kids but this one also does, just like 18 Again ahhh

Mijoo cries just like her younger self did at the hospital after her accident, ah

ah, the car was locked from the inside, so are they gonna have to drop Kangho as suspect? Or not as strongly?

plsss not Mijoo teaming up with Samsik to confront the ex-fiancee on whether she literally drugged Kangho to murder him, even though literally Samsik last time got caught by Oh Tae Soon (her father) and beat up

omg the ep is already done? Just ~110 mins left? wtf already?

The thing is... we're gonna just get that Kangho has always loved his mother (even the We Are Happy song in his day-to-day? c'mon) and never meant any of the mean stuff he did. idk if just sucks that she's been so abusive his whole life, including this time, but we are just going to happy a pretty boy full of sympathy for her because everything wrong happens in her life, which gives her a pass to be a POS I guess? Like I understand why she does the terrible things she does, but there's no catharsis because there are no consequences for her. And I don't even need Kangho to cut her off tbh bc people often don't cut off abusive parents but just... something more.

Also some parts of it were kinda anti-climactic like them each finding out the info the other was hiding, the conversations/script was like hm

also omg the timeline was confusing me but Kangho dated Hayoung for SEVEN years ?! Makes sense since Mijoo saw them at the building when the kids were babies and they got engaged recently. okay acc the kids are like 5 years old international age, so more like they dated 4-5 years but that's still crazy long

Ep 13 (Apr 2)

Ah, the baby is also dead, rip

These police officers are not gonna let this go huh? Which would be good if they were working for our ML lol also I wonder if they really think this happened or if they're just working for Tae Soo

I believe in the bodyguard farmers to betray Woobyuk and help Kangho and live happily with their farm and be married in a couple years

man I was actually liking the Mijoo and her mom convo quite a bit bc again it's a cycle but THEN Mijoo thanking her mother for staying with ther POS father because it allowed her to have a father? girl... it's better to not have a father like that and obvi your mom was Going Through It

woahh everybody sleeping on the floor together, childhood memories fr

Things def happened this ep but feels like more should have happened, rather than like Mijoo & Samsik humourous scenes at the hospital or whatever.

Ep 14 (Apr 3)

ahhh that baby is alive and the mother killed herself to save him

the court scene is very messy but dramatic enough lol

girl whennn are we getting to see the reveal of the kids finding out kangho is the dad

as her death scene was acc sad

dyinggg at Samsik and Hayoung lmfao like i very very briefly wondered when the initial meeting about the dna test happened but obviously that went sideways lol but this is funny

jk doesn’t seem like she likes him back which is not unexpected

yaas my gay farmer ex bodyguards

loll mask lady turning out to be yakuza daughter fr

we never got to see them realize he’s their dad aghhh

It was a fine ending.

Overall:

Lee Dohyun <3 The reason I looked into the show, then I didn't watch it because it seemed to heavy, and now watched it because of Lee Dohyun and heard the show was humourous.

I don't think I've seen Lee Dohyun play a character who is just his own self lmfao In 18 Again, he was his 40-year-old self in his 18 year old body. In Death's Game, he was the original guy in Lee Dohyun's character's body. In The Good Bad Mother here, he is playing that his 35-year-old self has returned to his 7-year-old self.

It was so addictive and entertaining, watched the whole show in like 2 days and 2 hours. Impressed by the acting of Lee Dohyun and the mother and Mijoo's actors.

The show was mostly about the mother and son relationship, with the revenge plot + the Mijoo/Kangho romance arcs in the background.

I deeply wish that Kangho hadn't apparently forever loved and understood his mother and did everything for her and sang her favourite song while studying for the Bar or whatever. Like obviously he went low-contact with her in Seoul even before he discovered the stuff that made him break up with Mijoo, so I think the reasons behind that and the hurt and betrayal that caused him to take such an action should have been focused on more. Like things just kept on going wrong with the mother's life, so we were supposed to feel endless sympathy for her but she abused Kangho greatly. Like he literally didn't eat the first few days because the mantra was stuck in his head, that's so abusive, I just. Why couldn't we have had a middle ground where Kangho gets to actually say and acknowledge that his mother's actions hurt him so, so badly. Like we got fleeting moments of him being angry or her saying she's bad but it was all explained away or he understood or whatever.

Anyway, idk, I think if that relationship was more clear + the ending of the revenge arc was more solid, I would've rated it higher because I did enjoy this but some things bothered me significantly.

Rating: 7/10

#ep by ep commentary

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bookaddict24-7 · 3 years ago

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I said at the beginning of the year that I would share my reviews more on my blog instead of just on Instagram and Goodreads. I’ve been reading a lot so far this year, so my reviews will be delayed on here.

Friend me on Goodreads here to read my reviews in real-time!

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66. In An Absent Dream by Seanan McGuire--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

I almost DNFed this at first and said, “forget this series, it’s time to move on,” but I’m so glad I didn’t. This was by far my favourite book in the series. I felt that this was such a beautiful allegory of grief and the innocence of childhood. Can’t wait to pick up the next book now!

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67. Living-Room Matsunaga-san Vol. 5 by Keiko Iwashita--⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Nooooo!!! Now I have to wait until May!!!! That ending was great and had me hooting because the drama now commences. Also, I noticed that lingering stare from another character. This series is so good. Patience, please be my friend. Sigh.

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68. I Killed Zoe Spanos by Kit Frick--⭐️⭐️⭐️.5

I really enjoyed this thriller! It was engrossing from the beginning—especially the weird mystery of why the MC remembered bits and pieces of a story she shouldn’t have known about. The whole time you’re waiting for the twist to come, for the final bit to land so you could finally understand what was going on. And when it came, I’ll be honest, it didn’t entirely feed that craving that had built during the story. It felt like the story should have had a more shocking reveal. It was enjoyable, don’t get me wrong—but I can’t help but wonder if I’m entirely happy with the twist. But it DOES explain things, so there’s that! I recommend this one for those who love a YA thriller that does a really good job of making you guess what’s going to happen next!

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69. Given Vol 1. by Natsuki Kizu--⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ I’ve had a friend trying to get me to read this manga for the past few months and I’ve finally picked it up! I have to say that it was worth the wait, it was so good and I absolutely love the artwork. Especially the drummer 👀 Also, I love seeing that budding romance. And that one school girl who has the hots for the MC can go to hell for what she said to him. Can’t wait to pick up volume 2 soon!

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70. The Prophets by Robert Jones Jr.--⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️⭐️ Alright, so I went into this book having heard from friends that they had cried, had to put it down various times because it was such a heavy read, and that it would haunt you for days after reading it. After discussing how I was feeling with a friend directly after finishing this book, I discovered that while I DID find it disturbing during certain sequences, I think I went into this with an overhyped sense of expectations. This isn't to say that this book isn't heartbreaking and doesn't carry a strong message--especially the last few lines, but having read a different book a month or so before this one about racism and the horrible treatment of black people, my brain was already ready to read about the horrors that were going to happen in this book. I can understand why this can be such a difficult read. The author was blunt about the situations that occurred (as he should be) so that the message of the book could be truly felt; especially with two gay black men being at the heart of this story. I loved the connection between the two men mentioned above and the two men in a story told from the past. It was a beautiful connection. It was in their tragedies that I felt the most pain because their connection went beyond lust or love. And I think the author tried to show us this by having the two men from history telling us why their bond went beyond the average one. My one main critique of this book is that it had too many narratives. I can understand why there were so many--us trying to get the whole story from all perspectives is important, sure, but I think it ended up taking away from the power these two couples held over the readers. It was distracting and I think if I'd had more time with these two couples, I would have bawled my eyes out at the end. Also, the religious metaphors and chapter titles were completely lost on me. I know there were hidden meanings there, but I had no idea what they were, so I just treated them as regular chapter titles. As it was, I felt numb at the end. I don't know if it was because I had already read another book that used similar language, or if it was that damn chair video floating around TikTok, but my brain just numbed me to the horrible events. Especially that ending. I would recommend this for anyone who wants to read an LGBTQ+ Black love historical story between two slave men set in a plantation, or learn more about that aspect of history that is rarely talked about. This is an important story to read.

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Have you read any of these books? Would you recommend them?

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Happy reading!

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florencesmachine · 4 years ago

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BROOOOOOOO NOT YOU ACCIDENTALLY POSTING THIS ON YOUR SIDE ACCOUNT AND OUTING YOURSELF AS BOTH LUCIEQUEENOFELFAME AND DONOTTEARMEDOWN

LABSKAHLAHSLABSJLSHSLAHSLAJALSJSKANSLSJSKSJLSJSLSKSKS

✨✨ Bully racist biphobes 2020 ✨✨

#YOU REALLY CREATED A SIDE BLOG TO PRETEND TO BE SOMEONE ELSE AND FIGHT WITH PEOPLE #JUST TO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE SOMEONE AGREES WITH YOU ANSHAKBSLABSLAJALAK #AND THEN U TRIED TO DELETE IT AND TRIED AGAIN ALJSKSJSKS #NOOOOO OOO STOP THIS IS LIKE A GREEK TRAGEDY ITS SO SAD #donottearmedown

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blooms-of-ice · 4 years ago

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Wyda is officially retired...for now. She had a good run, and I loved writing for her! GOD the existential dread I felt as I drew closer and closer to running the event that would end her.

Her story continues through another. Give a follow here! :D

I’ll be keeping this blog up as an archive, although I might still post every now and again. But since her arc is done, here goes! An unedited, unfiltered slurry of words-directly-from-brain-to-keyboard about Wyda! I’m warning you, this is true farm fresh to you stuff. And spoilers for many events in FF14. Read on if you dare.

Strap in, it’s going to be a long and bumpy ride.

Did I say that I love Primals?

Primal lore gives the FF14 devs a lot of creative freedom when it comes to designing bosses. Want the arena changed? Want something/someone to look absolutely wack? Want to spin up a threat without having a villain train for years prior? Bam, primals.

It also gives us, the players, the same creative freedoms when it comes to roleplaying!

The requirements to summon one are humorously low. At first, primals result from misguided and zealous beastmen shenanigans. Ifrit, Titan, Ramuh, Leviathan, Garuda...but then we get a bunch of weird summonings. Like when Ga Bu summons a funky version of Titan through his despair alone. Or when Yotsuyu brings forth Tsukuyomi because she really, really wants to see the world burn. Hell, Gilgamesh just thinks about his friend Enkidu in the presence of some crystals, and that’s enough to bring forth a primal. So I guess the only requirements for a primal summoning are 1) crystals and 2) thinking kinda hard? Strong feelings, especially negative ones, seem to be more effective but then again! What the heck happened with Gilgamesh? Who knows?!

But this is one of my favorite things in FF14. It’s a powder keg of a situation that will, and HAS, gone off multiple times.

Being tempered, meanwhile, is a fate worse than death. You’re forced to change sides and fight for the enemy. You don’t even find peace when you die - tempered souls linger in Eorzea thanks to how messed up they are by the process. But you don’t become a mindless servant either. *Points to Emet-Selch who is....kinda...on your side (???) but also on Zodiark’s side*

Things aren’t nearly as dark now that tempering can be cured. I’m very thankful, since otherwise my campaign would’ve had a very, very depressing ending. One that I originally planned for but STILL. I’m weak. ;_;

Riding off the Rails

Primal lore is flexible. In ARR, the rules are established, but later expansions took those rules and went “Well, what about this? And this? And this?” In other words, this is me admitting that I’m shameless and will stretch this lore until I reach the moon.

Developing Wyda was a ‘chicken first, egg later’ sort of situation. Though trite, I gave her amnesia in order to give myself an excuse for knowing nothing about FF14 lore (and because I was new to roleplaying). When I finally sat down to flesh her out, my mind kept returning to primals. I love ‘em and their potential for drama! So yeah, I was determined to make it work.

There were a lot of questions I had to answer. If Wyda is a primal, then why isn’t she tempering everyone she meets?! How is she getting away with being a ‘normal’ person? And how do I avoid power creep? I know, for a fact, that if I walked into an RP event and just said...hey. My character is a primal, are you cool with that? The answer would be a solid no. Nooooo! I’d tell that to myself! So I wanted to solve these questions in a fair way that would allow others (and myself) to remain immersed in the roleplaying world. Luckily, FF14 lore is like a bottomless chest of building blocks. It was just a matter of stacking them carefully.

Primals are summoned when someone thinks around some crystals (Ah, Gilgamesh...)

The primal’s purpose is based on the summoner’s desires, but with a monkey’s paw twist (Ga Bu’s Titan punching the other kobolds away is indicative of this)

The amount of aether used in the summoning determines how powerful the primal will be (Shinryu being beefy as hell)

Primals can be summoned out of thin air, or be channeled into someone’s body

When a primal is channeled, the summoner needs the Echo to resist (Ysalye and Ryne). Otherwise the summoner is tempered by their own creation.

Now, with those blocks in hand, I started spitballing...and it led me to this thought. If a primal’s purpose is to NOT be a primal, what happens?

Would they know that they’re a primal?

Can they still use their primal powers?

What happens when the primal is based off of someone who still exists?

For Wyda, I chose to swing this way.

Her memory is garbage because she’s a primal based on someone else. Even if you know someone really well, you can’t perfectly recreate/emulate them.

She’s normal-powered because all her primal magic is going towards suppressing her powers. Extremely inefficient. And she’s very human-like because she’s possessing someone else’s body, as opposed to being made purely of primal aether.

Primals temper whether they want to or not - aether leaks, and it corrupts. To solve this for Wyda, instead of leaking aether out of the wazoo...thanks to the nature of her summoning, she just leaks a tiny bit all the time. Not enough to temper.

But I also wrote myself into a corner. If Wyda isn’t going to behave like a primal, then how does she exist for so long? They need a constant source of aether to survive, and she’s not doing primal stuff since she’s too busy being human. And so...the answer is that she doesn’t. Once her aether runs out, then poof.

See? Fun! (But also pain. So much pain.)

Playing with Fire

Eorzea (like most fantasy RPG settings) is a nightmare factory. Most, if not all, who make their living ‘adventuring’ are scarred from what they have to face. For every success story (WoL), there are countless more tragedies (Avere). And even if you survive...who wouldn’t get trauma if you were an adventurer and it was normal for your buddies to be eaten by a beast, tempered by a primal, possessed by a ghost?

Which is to say, Wyda's scars run deep. Shit goes down.

To repeat that in slightly more words: Wyda is an accidental byproduct of Cravendy’s grief and longing. At her lowest moment, Cravendy (a Seawolf pirate) thinks of her friend Dots and the unfairness of it all. And oops, there are crystals nearby. So now, we got Wyda walking around in Cravendy’s body, thinking that she’s someone named Dots. By the way, Dots is still alive! Very awkward.

Wyda is a denial incarnate. She is Cravendy’s dream for safety, family, and happiness for Dots. But denial does not erase the past, nor does it change how you feel. By existing, Wyda suppresses those feelings for Cravendy and freezes the other woman in the past. With the both of them like this, Cravendy will never accept her trauma and Wyda will be plagued with a stranger’s guilt.

Primal souls are weird. I have no idea where they come from, but they seem separate from the summoner’s. So as Wyda’s influence wanes, Cravendy’s soul begins to resurface. This forces Wyda into a cycle of self-discovery and self-destruction that, unfortunately, convinces Wyda that she ought to disappear. It’s a tragic conclusion she reaches after having her worldview shattered. She’s a copy of Dots, she’s a primal. What’s real, and what’s not? What even matters?

The Power of Love

Love is a persistent theme for all of my characters. For Cravendy, love is why she hurts, so she would rather forget it than bear any more pain. But Wyda is the opposite - she loves too much. When all else is a sham, Wyda trusts that the love she feels is real. And ultimately, this love dooms Wyda and saves Cravendy.

Wyda’s fatal flaw is her self-destructive selflessness. Thanks to being mistaken for Dots all the time, Wyda develops a low sense of self. Then events of the campaign erode that into nothingness. She’s a second rate copy full of brittle memories, she’s a fake! And discovering Cravendy’s sleeping soul only pushes Wyda further into her flaw. Here is my purpose, she thinks! My original! And I’ll save her no matter what, because she deserves to live!

But it’s a mistake. Certainly, Cravendy is saved, but Wyda deserves to be saved too. Although she loves with all her heart, Wyda never learns to love herself and see her own self-worth. She doesn’t understand that her friends don’t share her view of herself - as a worthless copy that can only find value in saving another. Her selflessness loops into selfishness.

Maybe Wyda will come back...She certainly has a lot to learn still!

The TLDR version of all this is that I accidentally pulled a Kingdom Hearts plot with this character, and now I understand, Nomura. I UNDERSTAND WHY YOU BRING BACK YOUR CHARACTERS. ;_;

#Aiswyda Nuthalwyn #me as I got myself into this mess: pain #lots of pain but #but also very rewarding #I hope you all give Cravendy a follow!! lol I keep making new blogs for organizational purposes #ff14 rp #art

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crackimagines · 5 years ago

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Marianne Goes Super Saiyan 2

Heavily inspired by this post by Arktoons. I tip my hat to you, @arktoons. One shitposter to another. (love your art btw!)

----

(Dorte) NEIGH! (Wait!)

Dorte’s head was tossed and rolled in front of Marianne, cutting off her and Kronya from the rest of the class.

(Kronya) “...Um-”

(Dorte) NEEEEIGGGGHHHH (Thank you for your assistance-)

(Hilda) “DON’T NAME ME!-”

(Dorte) NEIGH (-Miss Hilda.)

(Kronya) “...Soldiers, when you’re done with them, draw and quarter on THAT buffoon.”

(Hilda) “NOOOOO...!”

(Kronya) “As for you...Y-You’re a horse right? How are you talking right now? Your head is cut off and-”

(Dorte) NEIGH (Marianne!)

(Kronya) “Alright fine, fine! You talk to her, goddess!”

(Marianne) “Dorte, what are you-”

(Dorte) NEIGH (Grow. Up.)

(Marianne) “Huh?!”

(Dorte) VERY PROLONGED NEIGH (You act as if you are the only one suffering, but I believe that Dimitri has some stories for you. And I can assume they all end with ‘And then he died too.’ And before you start complaining about your father, again, and I get it, take a moment to consider my father bred with my mother to make me a soulless running machine to kill your father in combat. And that doesn’t even come close to the complete tragedy of fatherhood that is Lorenz.-)

(Lorenz) “YOU WANT TO COME UP HERE AND SAY THAT?!”

(Dorte) NEIGH (I AM A HEAD.)

(Lorenz) “Then maybe you should quit while you are!”

(Dorte) NEEEEIIIIIIGH (Of fear and love, I fear not that I will die. But that all I have come to love...You...and the things that are not you, will perish with me...So please, Marianne....)

(Dorte) NEIGH NEIGH NEIGH. NEEIIIGGH--- (Stop holding back!...And hey, if we do make it out of this, please pick up my head, and SEND IT TO YOUR FA-”

(Kronya) “I’d say he’s gone to a better place but...”

“We both know he never really had a soul!”

Toki wa michite

O Messiah, O Messiah

[Distant NEIIGGH ing]

YUDULIYA-VELE YUDULIYA-VELE YUDULIYA-VELE YUDULIYA IYALIYA

“Hm?!”

“HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”

Aa, soko nashi no Kyôfu o hikitsure

Aa, semari kuru Jaaku na ta•ma•shi•i

Makerarenai Unmei no wakareme

Yaru shika nai Yoake ni inochi o kakete

Kono te de!!

WOW WOW Kanarazu

(Raphael) “Marianne...!”

Ore wa ore o koete ’ku ze!

WOW WOW Ki o atsumete

Kurayami o tobase!!

author’s note: this might be the stupidest thing I’ve made on this blog tbh

#shitpost #fire emblem three houses imagines #fire emblem three houses headcanons #fe3h #fe16 #marianne von edmund #dorte #kronya #hilda valentine goneril #golden deer #dbz #dragonball z #tfs #dbza #lorenz hellman gloucester #ignatz victor #claude von regan #raphael kirsten #dimitri alexandre blaiddyd

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yeolsleftmannipple · 5 years ago

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I was tagged by the lovely @soft-woo 💕💕💕

Name

Tavi, Nips, Riki, the list keeps growing

Birth year

fuck don't call me out like this 😂 1990

Sun sign

Scorpio

Height

165cm

Put your playlist on shuffle and list the first 4 songs

Halifax - Our Revolution

Rain - Hip Song

Anti-Flag - Tearing Everyone Down

Gred and Forge - Ginny Gets Around

Grab the nearest book, turn to page 23, what's the 17th line?

Immersed in my own experiences, it was with horror that I heard, towards the end of my year's travels, that yet another tragedy had struck the Dumbledores: the death of his sister Ariana.

Ever had a song or a poem written about you?

My second boyfriend wrote me a pop punk song à la it was really cute

When was the last time you played air guitar?

Yesterday 😂

Celebrity crushes?

Read the tags on my blog and you'll know.

Aside from Kpop though... Emma Watson, Ezra Miller, Miyavi, Emma Roberts, Yungblud, Emilia Clarke,...

What's a sound you hate/love?

LOVE: children's laughter, babbling brooks, fireplaces, cats purring

HATE: the sound of arguing or fighting it literally makes me feel nauseous and dizzy

Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes!

Do you believe in aliens?

Yes!!

Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

No but I'm planning to get over my fear of driving and get my license once this whole corona thing lightens up

Last book you read?

The Name of The Wind. I hated it.

Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Nooooo

What's the last movie you've seen?

Just Go With It. I love Jennifer Aniston 💕 actually, add her to the list of celebrity crushes tbh

What's the worst injury you've ever had?

My back was really bad before???

Do you tend to hold grudges?

No I forgive really easily and my memory is so bad I'll most likely forget too 😅

Are you in a relationship right now?

I'm in a long distance relationship (AGAIN) and suffering ✌️

💕 thanks again for the tag! I tag anyone that wants to do this! 💕

#idk why i love these things haha #thanks for the tag #im late but here i am #tag #tagged #p

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asterlizard · 5 years ago

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SF cherry blossom festival 2019

Sorry this is a month late! I had almost no time to write this earlier because of school.

(This is also a rough draft journal entry because my current cosplay blog is not up to date yet, and I don’t have all of the photos I want to share from the event yet, but I wanted to get this journal out there in the hopes of maybe connecting with people)

I cosplayed as Snufkin btw!

I went with a friend who didn’t cosplay (In retrospect I think she should have cosplayed Little My because she had red hair at the time, and we could have been mischievous siblings together). She recently went to the UK and she remarked to me how different/weird the UK is compared to the US, and I smile knowingly (but for the reverse reason)

Funny enough, there were a couple of cosplayers at the BART station we started at (which was almost the furthest station away). I hoped they would notice us, but they kept walking away...

The Civic Center where the parade started had an outdoor exhibition on Holocaust survivors (argh I wish I had a proper look at it)

There weren’t as many cosplayers as I had been used to in previous events I attended, but there were a lot of cool ones

An awesome Tokoyami cosplay (but I felt bad for him because it was a hot day and he was wearing a dark outfit)

Jedi Elsa!

At one point, a couple of pikachus showed up, and a bunch of small children ran up to hug them, it was adorable (the children were from another part of the parade)

Unfortunately I didn’t get much of a chance to interact with others this time, as I stuck with my friend pretty much the entire time. Since we both watched BNHA, our recurring joke of the day was Iida’s arm gesture thing, and scolding people for sitting on desks while making the gesture.

We also wandered about the place to pass the time, and we found a separate section of the parade devoted to shiba inus

LOOK AT THE PUPPOS

As we finally lined up for the parade (I remarked in the past that everyone would start ‘amoeba-ing’, but everyone was more cooperative, possibly because there weren’t as many people?) I brought up Hetalia at some point and how I wouldn’t expect anything related to it anymore (ngl, I kinda miss the years when it was more popular), and one of the cosplayers overheard us and actually talked with us very briefly about it. I’m glad my expectations were wrong! ouo)b

Parade antics:

Moving a very short distance every 10 minutes while the rest of the parade progressed ahead of us (’Hooray! 5 feet!’)

A drill sergeant routine (someone in the background made a comment, and the ‘drill sergeant’ replies, ‘WHAT THAT GUY SAID’)

Chanting about cosplay (I couldn’t shout because my voice was already half dead from shouting above the noise on the train and such :’D )

Joseph Joestar losing his hat from a gust of wind, and a loud ripple of ‘OH NOOOOO’, ‘OH MY GOOODDD’, ‘SON OF A BIIIITCH’, etc. ensued for like half a minute (I haven’t seen the series, but I admire the outfits)

The megaphone girl being very genki and cheering us on

The parade was almost done, and my feet were hurting, and it was hot and I was hungry. I got a couple of cheers from the audience who recognized my cosplay :D

When our section of the parade ended, we dispersed (Tokoyami was nowhere to be found at this point). I try to weave through the crowds and meet up with my friend and then we ate dango :P Although the food was cold, it wasn’t enough, so I got a shaved ice to combat the heat of indoors (it worked!)

Meanwhile, I’ve seen like 4 Dekus, 3 or 4 Todorokis, an Uraraka, another Tokoyami, and a Toga. There was also a little girl dressed as Froppy (cute!)

My friend and I decided to wander around outside Japantown, and we eventually wound up at the Peace Plaza where we got to watch some of the performances (I hadn’t done this before!)

Ahhh, my heart warms seeing open celebrations of other cultures.

These three dubbed themselves the ‘Birthday Boys’ because it was their birthdays that day. Their routine was very entertaining, the audience got to participate in a hayashi kotoba, in which we repeat chants from the singer.

We also got to learn the Awa Odori dance, which is incredibly simple to do. (Armed with these skills, I’m prepared for any spontaneous chanting or dancing!)

And of course, Detective Pikachu was there. His hat kept falling off, and everybody responded like it was a tragedy.

There was a cosplay segment where we got to see all of the cosplayers who entered for this segment. The theme was ‘heroes and villains’, and everyone dressed for their side accordingly. Coincidentally enough, there were an equal amount of heroes and villains. My personal favourites were the Jedi Elsa and Samurai Darth Vader, though I kinda expected BNHA to show up at some point, considering (y’know) the theme

It was getting late at this point, and we needed to leave fairly soon, so we left to go eat okonomiyaki (because we were short on time, I planned on quickly shopping for Japanese snacks as soon as we ordered our meals, and then returning, but what I was looking for wasn’t in stock :< )

After eating, as we were leaving, I saw Samurai Darth Vader eating at the restaurant hours later, which is a funny visual to me for some reason. We very briefly browsed the shops (the manga shop as well, of course) another person recognized my cosplay, and we briefly talked about Snufkin.

Even though we just ate, my friend wanted a crepe, and while we were waiting for it, someone else said they liked my costume (I got a total of 5 acknowledgements? Considering how obscure the character is, I’ll take it! More than my last visit!)

When we were done, we now had to find a way of getting home. We didn’t want to walk all the way back to the BART station that was next to the Civic Center (we’re sore from walking, and it was suspicion hour), the bus would have taken just as long, but a Lyft was our fastest option (I never did it before!)

I saw the two cosplayers were still at Japantown by the time we were leaving, and I hoped we could coincidentally ride home on BART together again, but I don’t think that happened, oh well...

Eventually we got back at around 8pm, and I got home at around 9pm.

#cherry blossom festival #sakura festival #my posts #another reason this is a rough draft is because I leave for a flight very soon and I don't have time to write this properly

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extraplanaire-blog · 7 years ago

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PLEASE REPOST, DO NOT REBLOG! Feel free to add to any of your answers! The purpose is to tell your partners about the way you write! For the multiple choice ones, BOLD all that apply and, if you want, italicize if it’s a conditional answer!

– B A S I C S –

NAME: dez / bee ARE YOU OVER 18?: yes / no IS YOUR MUSE?: yes / no WHEN WAS YOUR BLOG ESTABLISHED?: may 02, 2016 !a whole year old...

ARE YOU SELECTIVE ABOUT WHO YOU WRITE WITH ON THIS BLOG?: no ( anyone ) / semi( most people ) / yes (some people) / highly (few people) / private (mutuals only) ARE YOU SELECTIVE ABOUT WHO YOU FOLLOW ON THIS BLOG?: no (anyone) / semi (most people ) / yes (some people) / highly (few people) IF YOUR MUSE IS CANON, HOW MUCH TO YOU ADHERE TO CANON? not at all / a little / some / mostly / strictly / not applicable

WHAT POST LENGTHS DO YOU WRITE? one liners / single-para / multi-para / novella DO YOU USE ICONS & / OR GIFS? no / gifs / icons / gificons DO YOU WRITE ON OTHER PLATFORMS? no / yes WHAT LEVEL OF PLOTS DO YOU WRITE? unplotted / open ended plots ( set up a meeting and see what happens ) / semi-plotted ( a few steps ahead ) / fully plotted epics ( plotted beginning, middle, & end )

HOW QUICKLY DO YOU USUALLY RESPOND TO THREADS? very slow ( more than a month ) / slow ( 3-4 weeks ) / average ( 1-2 weeks ) / fast ( less than one week ) / very fast ( less than three days )

WHAT TYPES OF THEMES DO YOU LIKE? fluff / angst / smut / action/ tragedy / domestic / family / conversational / hurt-comfort / any WHAT GENRES DO YOU LIKE? high fantasy / supernatural / science fiction / historical /horror / comedy / romantic / drama / action / adventure / espionage / any

ARE THERE ANY THEMES YOU’RE UNCOMFORTABLE WRITING ON YOUR BLOG? ( not triggers ) no / yes DO YOU HAVE ANY TRIGGERS? HOW DO YOU REQUEST IT TAGGED? no / yes - anything involving maggots/parasites/things under the skin where they shouldnt be-- i would Really like images tagged (my catchall is ‘bee dont look’ or ‘dez dont look’) but text is fine (unless its in a thread with me and u get detailed-- i can do body horror to an extent, but nooooo parasites

– S H I P P I N G –

WHAT TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS ARE YOU OPEN TO? romantic / platonic / familial / all WHAT TYPES OF PRE-ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIPS ARE YOU OPEN TO? romantic /platonic / familial / platonic queer / plotted only / canon material relationships DO YOU HAVE OTPS? no / chemistry only / yes DO YOU HAVE NOTPS? no / yes WHAT IS YOUR MUSE’S SEXUAL ORIENTATION? heterosexual / bisexual / homosexual / pansexual / demisexual / asexual WHAT IS YOUR MUSE’S ROMANTIC ORIENTATION? heteroromantic / biromantic / homoromantic / panromantic / demiromantic / aromantic ARE YOU COMFORTABLE WRITING SMUT? no / selectively / yes (very rarely) HOW EARLY IN A RELATIONSHIP DO YOU SHIP ROMANTICALLY? autoship / during plotting/ after a couple ic interactions / several ic interactions in / slow burn ARE YOU OPEN TO TOXIC SHIPS? no / selectively / yes ARE YOU OPEN TO PROBLEMATIC SHIPS? ( canon history, age difference, complicated, etc.) no / selectively / yes ARE YOU OPEN TO POLYSHIPPING? no / selectively / yes ARE YOU AN EXCLUSIVE SHIPPER? no / sometimes / yes DOES CRACK SHIPPING EVER HAPPEN? no / yes DOES CROSSOVER SHIPPING EVER HAPPEN? no / yes

tagged by: @carnagefated (blows kiss) tagging: @lotcs , @yewretched , uh, anyone else who wants to, ye

#ooc

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intricatecaprice · 5 years ago

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@mysticalgalaxysalad lol sorry I posted to my writing blog sorry!! (Ohhhh nooooo I have to reblog Gui's gorgeous face agaaainnnn oh no the tragedy....😏)

Bonus

Lieutenant Lesaro appreciation post for my dear beloved @intricatecaprice ❤️🌹😍🤗☺️ i hope you will enjoy some nice Lesaro and Salazar photos before sleeping ☺️🤗❤️

#capitán armando salazar #lieutenant lesaro #javier bardem #juan carlos vellido

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joyfullyimportantyouth-blog · 7 years ago

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Tell me a story: Yoga Abroad

It had been a long day since the Argentinian had MIA-ed into the sunset, leaving me groping for serenity that very long Wednesday before yoga teacher training was to begin. "Allo!" The hostel owner who everyone called "Daddy" chimed as I shuffled from my porch to my moped. Damn. I wanted something herbed to counterbalance my lunch of nerves and tempeh and air. Ten more minutes till I was expected to be at the Shala for what would be either a savasana cocktail of celebrity rehab or an om orgasm with taut Nordic goddesses who probably moonlighted as amber-infused Bhagavagita sexologists. I was gonna take my gamble and go find out after shelling out the skrilla G's in a moment of BLANKKKKK upheaval one hungover morning in Bangkok just two weeks prior. Time to smatter my Traggae Surf hostel wall with Giselle Bunchden and "Touch Yourself, Ganesh Offspring" quotes.

I decided to walk and observe everything to get into the practice of being "authentically mindful." It took me 3 times of listening to Yo Gotti's "Act Right" before I reached the tranquil wood sign of "Yoga Searcher, Uluwatu, Bali." There was a happy Buddha emblazoned on the coinage that I had arrived to find myself. Skeptical, a little. Facetious, no… it just dawned on me and probably a million times before that I could be the anti-christ to these types of programs. I'd always simultaneously cringed and fawned over the "yoga gurl" pics insta kept on titillating rotation: yoga gurl stretching into some fantastical bridge position, her bronzed bod entwined with an inspirational quote of having "found inner peace" in Peru. "Yoga gurl" sipping out of a chlorophyll coconut like it was the most delicious double-shot of patron that she'd ever guzzled. "Yoga gurl" beaming at her dreaded washboard abs surfer boyfriend, congratulating her graduation with matching sun and moon tattoos and the coordinates of where they'd once met at a surfer ashram.

Why was I here? Did I want to be yoga gurl? Textbook guilty. It was time to reinvent after spending far too much time withdrawn into a shell of "the post-grad life." I could've just bought a $30 insurance covered therapy session a few times a week with a frumpily dressed yet moderately compassionate shrink but nooooo, no no no... I had to go to BALI to talk about problems and laugh with nonchalance when I realized that my hair salty and my toes so tanned meant the world was so fine now, so fine. I could envision my previous selves clustering together to meet about this cosmic life transition, sharing kombucha while wondering where the wine and whiskey was hidden, rumpling a NYTimes paper to a Jay Z banger, reflecting then brushing off the meanderings with "oh, please, let's just say fuck it and do it. It'll be a great story." Indeed. I wandered up to the Shala, the grass seeming to emanate inner peace itself as it swayed by the infinity pool, inviting the gorgeous participants to "let that shit go." Beautiful women in flowing bohemian glory wandered up the steps, not breaking a sweat in the 90 degree sun, their smiles like sumptuous macca whirling in a sea of boison berries. "Welcome," one of our instructors, Amy, greeted us. I loved her immediately. Her hair was a fiery crown of auburn and she had a septum and her voice was as soothing as dark chocolate dashed in Jameson; when she said "gra" in her Irish lilt I wondered why Hozier hadn't married her already.

We all settled into our crimson pillows and were told to interview a partner so we could learn, embrace, introduce, get to know each other. My partner, Rebecca, was a holistic wunderkind platonic supermodel with a dash of sass who I assumed could do the splits with the conviction of the Dalai Lama's blessing. When it came time to go around the circle, she read my answers as I challenged myself to unravel from a painful expression of half-lotus that I could definitely not do: "Isabelle loves the color black, Bobby Shmurda club bangerz, painting, reading. She is currently traveling on her own for three months and has no expectations of what her experience will be here. She just wants to learn how to breathe and connect with parts of herself that she feels like she has lost." Goddamn, I wanted to cry for myself. Thank god everyone going around the circle wasn't set on this teacher track, they just wanted some expensive therapy with prayer beads and Shiva and all that. There would undoubtedly be the Eat Pray Lover who had found her moksha in India and in her rose-smelling coitus, but om mani padmi om to her.

I had always loved yoga, but like with everything else, I tended to conceptualize the whole experience into a tangent web of intellectualized thoughts and associations. Or inappropriate metaphors. I loved the feeling of the actual exercise, but all of this head business made it so that it was an experience outside of me usually; the spirituality had not yet caught me, although that was why I was precisely in Bali at the golden temple shala at that very moment. I wanted a jolt and so I was going to throw caution to the wind with a degree of control based on the internet's blessing of great reviews of women who were trying to do the same thing as me at yoga retreats and teacher trainings abroad. I'd felt like I'd been unraveling for a bit already, so decluttering some of the mess seemed beyond essential and spiritual tourism was what I thought would be quite the graceful quick fix.

The next few weeks turned into an amalgamation of self-discovery and trying to do certain asana positions and also some penetrating flares of frustration but also laughter at the absurdity of some "unfoldings." Every morning started at 5:30 am in the shala, which meant rolling out of bed and spraying myself with delicious DEET at 5:10 AM before sauntering out the door to walk with my neighborhood bombshells, Greta (from Wisconsin) and Becks (from Norway). Thankfully, Becks and I would sprint back to "Daddy" come 7:30 AM to guzzle buttloads of delish Balinese coffee while commiserating about how our hips couldn't open and yet how we loved Dipa's lectures on the feminine and the masculine merged into perception within the concept of the 8 folds of yoga. After this ritual I would usually blare Schoolboy Q and practice twrking (always come prepared) for a solid 40 minutes before going back to the shala for some alignment where I prayed that we would have partner massage sessions that would make my celibate self feel some firing synapses.

I found some soul sistahs in my atypical American peers. Erin and I found each other at the next door warung when she explained how she wanted some body bounce and less namestes. She became #1 woe. She is the baddest bitch of them all, especially when we listened to E-40 by the pool and she claimed in-person basis with the bay's pride and glory. And she worked at Twitter and claimed a title in an Aussie wet t-shirt contest and has traveled the whole world and is an acclaimed blogger. And would do neck shots of tequila with me. We became each other's co-dependent trap queens at the local Single Fin club. Thank god I wasn't in love while I was incorporating into this yogini program. Instead I meditated on everything I was looking for and why I was alone and why I was so ecstatic to be single (until 10 pm). It was like a study abroad for starving yourself on green juice and breathing and all I had to do was make decisions for me. My agenda was to get everything out of my system, although that comes at a cost: because then you actually discover yourself. And that can be... hard. But necessary. I realized I was a whole person and so was everyone else no matter what point in life they were at. Basically, yoga teacher training is like a caftan clad sorority who hold a cave open for worshipping Jack Johnson and period moon goddess parties. The worst part was feeling simultaneously annoyed and a little crestfallen that I couldn't cry post-meditation while others sobbed about varying levels of tragedy and spontaneous emotion. It was as if a little Eagle perched on my soul and clawed at any inkling of a tear. I cried when the nutritionist talked about how her old friends who drank cheap wine and smoked cigs didn't accept her newfound love affair with kale and B12 shots. Figures.

On a lighter note, I would check my Tinder abroad after an arduous day of leg flexing. Here is what I found that led me to keep doing downward dog to soul search and not find men.

Not too savory. But I would often wash away the unsightlyness of it all with a good ol' gin and tonic with the American girls, especially after getting our yoga certificates in our crocheted crop tops. One interesting note: Americans cannot accept awards without looking like complete douche bags. We all joked about it afterwards that the four of us couldn't make heartfelt speeches like the fellow Europeans did. We just collect those trophies like candies, stating after the acceptance, "yeah, thanks guys, love you" as a token of our appreciation. Point of relation, apparently.

The whole yoga experience has made wonder what acceptance is other than just where you are right now. It's also made me curious as to how it is apart of the woman I hope to be or already am. I mostly feel humbled and grateful for the women I got to know for a solid month straight x 1000 hypothetical days of deep talks. And for the times that I wondered about who I was; well, that will continue, and so will the sideways splits of discovering bad-assness that yoga training taps you into. I was gonna write a blog on travel tips and then I ended up writing a blog on inappropriate metaphors. Because that's just me.

#yogaeverydamnday #balilife #tinder #millenials #backpackingseasia

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