#there will be just one (1) such album unless i somehow change my mind again. but that's not very likely

[seaofreverie]

Sparkstember Day 6: Big Beat (Big Boy)

Wooohoooo, Big Beat! Our favourite little "questionable lyrics" album. Anyway, this one's lots of fun. Full of unrefutable bangers and hard rocking that's not like anything else that Sparks have done for the most part (and it's still very Sparks despite that). But yeah, this is a very strange era for them that I find pretty charming actually, and I think that for the full Big Beat experience one must watch the Capitol Theatre concert from this era (funnily, my favourite bit of it isn't even a song from this album... it's Equator, and, well, this is the exact type of theatricality that I'm a really big fan of, haha)

While I undoubtedly DO like this album, there must also be a reason I don't revisit it all that often. And I think, well, is it just just me or are lots of songs here just kind of... way too simple? Musically speaking (too), and while I'm pretty easy to please when it comes to this type of music that's much more on the rock than pop side of things, and my first impression here was very positive, well, afterwards... I either forgot about it altogether or often had a feeling of "can we move on now" when songs from this album came on shuffle and such. Even listening to this album today I had lots of those moments, like it's not that I don't like these songs... I guess they're just less engaging than I'm used to from Sparks (cause I don't want to call them boring, I think it's a bit of a different thing...).

Also interesting, because despite all this, the 21×21 Big Beat concert is actually a pretty big fav of mine. So I guess my thesis for today is that it's the type of album that works better live maybe!

Favourite songs (and other highlights):

Big Boy: just a good opener and fun song all around, and here's a fun fact about it: about a half of this song's length is just its title being said. Which means that the song Big Boy consists of 50% pure Big Boy

I Want To Be Like Everybody Else: sadly, a bit of a victim of Spotify Shuffle really wanting me to listen to it over and over and it getting a bit old fast

I Bought The Mississippi River: my fav here by far and also the most interesting and memorable, I really like the call & response part, and the guitar solos, the whole atmosphere is great, reminds me a little bit of High C even now that I think about it... Not sure though, I JUST thought about this

Confusion: one of the only songs here that I could see as part of some other album from around this time without it sticking out too much. Makes sense if we keep its origins in mind...

Screwed Up: it's fun to imagine sometimes that the 60s just happened

I Like Girls: COME ON, GIIIIIIRLS!!!

Tearing The Place Apart + Looks Aren't Everything: I love all the bonus tracks here but these two especially are a nice (and unexpected) return to the Indiscreet style which I really love

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

Ive never really understood the hype surrounding Taylor Swift - I mean, I like some of her songs, but im not big on modern pop music so generally she just doesn’t really click for me. But I find it interesting that theres quite a few of Beatles/Swift blogs - like, they should have very little in common given that they’re from completely different eras and all, but somehow people seem to find a lot of semblance between the two. << and thats not me shitting on any of these blogs btw! Hope I don’t come off as rude or condescending there <3

Anyway, I was just wondering what got you into Taylor Swift? (I think ive read your post on how you got into the Beatles)

Hi, anon! Don't worry, I don't think you're rude or condescending! I agree they don't have too much in common and I don't really like their music for the same reasons.* I do have a playlist of Paul songs that have similar vibes to Taylor songs but it's mostly lyric-based. (Also the Beatles For Sale songs actually have quite the Taylor-tinge because Paul and John were not immune to Country Music)

I saw @stewy say once that a possible reason there are a good handful of us Swiftie-Beatle People on here is the appeal of a vast discography, which I agree with. If you have an artist/group with 200ish songs, it's just really fun to really dive into their work and explore all the facets. I also think: we're talking about the most popular band of all time and one of the highest-selling artists of the 21st century. They have a lot of fans so there's bound to be overlap, regardless of musical differences.

Moving on to your question: Getting into Taylor was an extremely personal experience for me and so my explanation is probably going to be kind of long so I'll put it under a read more.

It was spring-summer 2014, I was 15. I had heard the more popular songs of hers starting with Love Story and enjoyed pretty much all of them (I always found her hopelessly romantic point of view fascinating) but before I got a Spotify account in 2013 it was difficult in general for me to really get into an artists' entire discography so most of her songs had flown under my radar.

At the time, I was in this very weird sort of codependent online friendship with this girl who was basically my first real best friend and my first more or less crush. She was very depressed and I was very much in an I Could Fix Her™ mood, except that I obviously couldn't fix her and it made me feel like I wasn't enough and she had begun pulling more and more away from me and not replying to my messages and it was simply driving me insane. I consider it the saddest period in my life.

at some point during this period, I started trying to connect with other people (all online, I didn't know how to talk seriously to anyone IRL) and explaining the issues I'd been having, and one of the people who brought me joy and whom I actually felt not drained talking to was a huge swiftie. And IDK the fact that she loved Taylor and the fact that talking to her made my life better (and also the fact that I liked all the Taylor songs I knew at that point) just made me decide to give her a listen. And I think that whole "large discography discovery" phenomenon really helped me at the time (funny, because her discography has doubled since then). It gave me something new to focus on; there were just so many songs to discover, all telling such rich stories. I also have always loved bridges, they are almost always my favourite part of a song. And Taylor, god-bless her, loves them too and always puts her ALL in them. Like pretty much every bridge of hers brings the song to the next level, and even a lot of her songs I don't adore tend to have great bridges (Stay Stay Stay and Paper Rings come to mind). I think one of her most underrated qualities is how good she is at song structure and really building up an entire musical journey with a song. She also almost always adds cool ad-libs in her second and third choruses to keep the songs interesting and dynamic (or at least since she's gone pop). Anyways, back to the story: Then Taylor announced 1989 as her next album and released Shake It Off, and it was just like this great happy thing for me to look forward to, when I had very little keeping me going. The era was promoting a lot of happiness which in hindsight was slightly fabricated and it was just a really great thing for me to latch onto.

At the same time I was coming to realize that I was gonna have to pull away completely from my friend and all those break-up songs just… Hit, y'know? Like, some people seem to think Taylor's a one-trick pony because she likes to write break-up songs but to me, break-ups are just like this moment where you as a human can potentially feel every single emotion, and Taylor's songs have covered every facet of the concept. Here are some songs I remember from that period, that all meant a lot to me at the time because they explained my own pain to me so well:

Haunted, for the absolute terror you feel in the first moments you realize someone is probably gonna leave you. Come on, come on / Don't leave me like this / I thought I had you figured out / Something's gone terribly wrong / You're all I wanted.

I Almost Do, for the inner turmoil you feel when you know you have to stay away from someone for your own good but you really, really have to resist just running back to that person. We've made quite a mess, Babe / It's probably better off this way / And I confess, Babe / In my dreams you're touching my face / And asking me if I wanna try again / With you / And I almost do.

Last Kiss, for that absolute sadness that comes simply with remembering everything that was good and not comprehending how it could've possibly ended. I still remember / The look on your face / Lit through the darkness / At 1:58 / Words that you whispered / For just us to know / You told me you loved me / So why did you go / Away?

Forever and Always, for that feeling of desperately wanting to hold on to what you still have but at the same time realizing it probably isn't going to last and having no idea how to fix it, plus feeling like the other person doesn't even care. So here's to everything / Coming down to nothing / Here's to silence / That cuts me to the core / Where is this going? / Thought I knew for a minute / But I don't anymore.

Dear John, my all-time favourite song, for that moment you find clarity and realize that you deserved better and that you were headed in an extremely dark direction because of this other person. [DISCLAIMER: my friend did NOT abuse me nor did we have some inappropriate age difference. But the way she would ignore me and her general moodiness really affected my own mental health and self-worth problems] You paint me a blue sky / And go back and turn it to rain / And I lived in your chess games / But you changed the rules every day / Wondering which version of you I might get on the phone / Tonight / Well I stopped picking up / And this song is to let you know why.

(She's covered more aspects of break-ups in other songs [cheating, divorce, feeling awkward around your ex amongst others], these are just the ones I remember being really important to me when I was first getting into her)

She really helped me feel a lot less alone during one of my loneliest periods and I really can't thank her enough for that. Soon after this, I started crushing on a girl in my class and Taylor's love songs started to take on a new meaning for me as well.

What's crazy to me is, when she went on hiatus for a few years, a part of me thought maybe I'd grown out of her and no longer had much in common with her, but when reputation came out I was pulled right back into my love for her as a person and musician and then when Lover came out I found that she was still explaining feelings to me better than I ever could (specifically with the songs The Archer and Cornelia Street). And now with folklore and evermore she's simply absolutely perfected her story-telling and I find myself deeply moved even by the songs I don't directly relate to. I feel like she has this amazing ability to find the absolute truth in the specific. I've never had a summer romance with someone who already had a girlfriend and mostly wanted to go back to her, and yet the bridge of august feels so real to me, y'know?

Back when we were still changin' for the better Wanting was enough For me, it was enough To live for the hope of it all Cancel plans just in case you'd call And say, "Meet me behind the mall" So much for summer love and saying "us" 'Cause you weren't mine to lose

It's hard to explain but looking at this, like it's so much more than the story it's telling. It's talking about how when you're young you really need so little to feel satisfied; how sometimes the idea of someone maybe spending time with you is better than actually doing things with other people; and how if someone using you without much thought can make you feel like you're not even entitled to grieve what you lost. Sorry. I'll stop. Don't want to go insane.

So, all of this is very personal and unique to me, but I think really the main thing that draws me to her is how vulnerable and honest she is about emotions, how eloquently she can explain the pain of being alive to me. Some people think she isn't the strongest singer, but I think, much like John actually, one of her greatest assets is how good she is at projecting emotion. The song happiness is a song I think has some lyrically weak moments but her vocal performance on it is so raw and devastating that every single line works even when, looking at it on paper, it feels like it shouldn't.

Hope this rambling made sense to you, lmao?? I love talking about Taylor though so thanks for the ask! Also very open to giving song recs if you do want to check her out more but I won't unless solicited to lmao *Sort of off-topic but I do think there's a relation between my fascination with the Beatles' history and my love for a great break-up song. I like pain I guess :)

[rethesun]

there is a difference between speculating opinion and facts

Just when I think I've seen and heard enough, Twitter/TikTok "logic" strikes again.

I read an extensive post about Harry's gender and sexuality back in June. @genuineconspiracy originally made the post. So thank you to Genuine Conspiracy for your take, and thank you to Tumblr and my IRLs and my psychology major as well for further education. In regards to Harry I added my commentary on the post after learning more.

Plain and simple:

It is not inherently disrespectful to wonder about someone's gender or sexuality. However, how people go about claiming without knowing someone + not having permission from the subject to say so is disrespectful.

Exclaiming to speculate about someone's identity is outrageous denotes a tone of phobia and implies that het/cis is the default when it is not.

Adding a note here: If you find that someone is wondering about another person's sexuality okay but not about said person's gender, you may have some underlying transphobia to address and vice versa. 

I've made my point above, but I'd further like to elaborate on two exhaustive points. 

1. Again, I do not particularly appreciate how many people on TikTok and Twitter make posts like this. I do try to give people the benefit of the doubt first. However, it’s perhaps due to boredom, escapism, and seeking attention. I get this pandemic, and life is challenging to cope with, but it's not healthy to treat people like this. Be better than the trashy dehumanizing celebrity magazines. I haven't commented on this directly before because getting into social media drama is like trying to save a sinking ship. It’s better to pick your battles and maintain boundaries with social media. Yet, it doesn’t change that it’s sad to see the behavior encouraged and normalized because many have become desensitized so we shrug at it.

Frequently, it's true that these posts are for personal gain and are not coming from an innocent place. Ideally, people would have genuine, respectful commentary, e.g., "I'm happy for that person either way, and I have no way of knowing for certain if my speculations are true, but this is what it made me think of because of XYZ. What are your thoughts?" The behavior tends to go both ways. One person of many on TikTok is claiming something. At the same time, many on Twitter are saying all sorts of tone-deaf or even phobic things. 

Again, assuming that Harry or anyone chooses specific colors, lyrics, clothing, for anything, further from "it is a coincidence" that is somehow "far-fetched." As though to imply that heteronormativity and being cis is the default or it’s taboo/wrong when it is not. 

2. I'll use Harry's words to finish this and not just my own clouded rambling biases. 

When asked about the Fine Line album art in this Guardian interview, 

Int: I suppose my only question, then, is about the stuff that looks like clue dropping. Because if you don't want people to care, why hint? Take the album sleeve for Fine Line. The design seems to gesture at the trans and bisexual pride flags with its horizontal pink and blue stripes and a splash of magenta. Which is great – unless the person behind it happens to be a straight dude, sprinkling LGBTQ crumbs that lead nowhere. Does that make sense?

Harry: "Am I sprinkling in nuggets of sexual ambiguity to try and be more interesting? No." As for the rest, he says, "in terms of how I wanna dress, and what the album sleeve's gonna be, I tend to make decisions in terms of collaborators I want to work with. I want things to look a certain way. Not because it makes me look gay, or it makes me look straight, or it makes me look bisexual, but because I think it looks cool. And more than that, I don't know, I just think sexuality's something that's fun. Honestly? I can't say I've given it any more thought than that."

Because I'm only human, even if anyone besides Harry said this, I still have the same response: part of me personally says ouch because many people have oppressed identity and wouldn't casually call it "just fun" and something "Honestly? can't say I've given it any more thought.” More than that, the other part doesn't want to assume anything. I respect what he says because a. Harry has the right to privacy, and he's in the spotlight, so if he's choosing to be vague, that's valid too. b. If that's his unfiltered raw answer, in general, I don't ever want to invalidate anyone's experience and feelings on something personal, especially when Harry was willing to share some thoughts about it in the first place. I also don't want to stigmatize these topics in any way further. Talking about queerness taking up space as casually as hetero/cis embraced life is right and validates many people. 

In the midst of me trying to be respectful and not invalidate anything I just remembered this comment: ‘everything gets watered down in the press so what you see is the non-potent version of reality’ which came from Rebecca Ferguson’s twitter two days ago. So, no need to be black and white about things. 

Finally, when the discussion was close to wrapping, the interviewer asked if Harry minded any of the questions before they stood up. Harry's reply is straightforward.

Harry: "What I would say, about the whole being-asked-about-my-sexuality thing – this is a job where you might get asked. And to complain about it, to say you hate it, and still do the job, that's just silly. You respect that someone's gonna ask. And you hope that they respect they might not get an answer."

In conclusion, it is best not to assume and hold false entitlement to someone's identity if we do not fully know + have permission to. Furthermore, be aware/sensitive of how you word your opinions. All in all, If you do respect people enough to ask, be prepared not to receive an answer or the one you prefer to hear.

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 14

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.2k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: this is only a conversation between Liv and Niall. i hope its still good and nice to read? idk, you tell me?

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : i did get all your requests ppl and ill use many of them in the next chapter! the request i used in this chapter is one i got when i was writing AM Conversations but i knew id use it at some point!

Chapter 14 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

The need to kiss him was too strong, especially after what he had admitted. I knew he wanted me to some extent but even if I wanted it more than anything, I didn't really think he still loved me like that. His lips moved harshly against mine and I still felt like he was not close enough, even if he was holding my body against his.

"Real love." he repeated low, his lips brushing against mine as I kept my eyes close.

My fingers moved up to his hair and gripped it tight. When was the last time I could touch Niall this way? When was the last time I could really taste him and feel him? I thought about the day his hand moved up on my pants, the same night I kissed his lips when I thought he was asleep, and realized that every time he touched me, his fingers left a burning trace as they moved on me. It seemed to reach my skin even through my clothes and then turn me into a pile of ashes. The truth was, I felt like a fucking phoenix with him. He always burned me down and brought me back to life. How the fuck did he do that?

He bent down more at my touch, groaning low before pressing his lips against mine again, not wasting any time and deepening the kiss to let me taste him some more. I felt my whole body throb as his arms tightened around me,  pressing me harder against him. I didn't want this kiss to end but after a while, a bunch of thoughts came to my mind and I pulled away. His eyes opened and they roamed on my face as my lips parted. We were both a panting mess and it was a bit pathetic to see, but I knew we both wanted more. I also knew we shouldn't do anything and I licked my lips, taking a step back but still keeping a small smile on my lips. As I moved, the grip of his arms loosened and I felt his fingertips brush on my waist, once again burning me. Fuck.

"Uhm I just, I need a drink."

Without waiting for his answer, I turned around and walked to the kitchen, opening the fridge and taking what was left of a bottle of wine I had started with Louis a few days before, bringing two glasses and going to the living room. He had walked down the hall and was now standing near my couch, his hands in his pockets. I sat on the couch and poured wine in both glasses, pushing one gently on the coffee table and looking up at him, licking my lips.

"Thirsty?" I just asked, raising my eyebrows.

He seemed to hesitate but he ended up sitting next to me and taking the glass, looking down at the pale beverage. I wanted to make a cheesy toast but instead, I took a sip and I noticed he looked up at me from the corner of my eyes, making me swallow the whole glass quickly. I put my now empty glass back on the table and he chuckled, looking at it.

"Do you think it's a good idea to get drunk two days in a row?"

"I don't know if it's a good idea, all I know is that i'm doing it."

He chuckled again and grabbed the bottle, pouring me more wine before I thanked him. I stared at him as he drank in silence and tilted my head. He was so fucking gorgeous, I just wanted to-

"I know you want to ask me something, go ahead."

I blinked a few times, focusing on his words instead of his perfect face, and cleared my throat. Oh yea, I had a million questions to ask, but where the fuck should I even start?

"Why didn't you ever call me or tried to get in contact with me? Why didn't you ever just... try to get me back?"

He sighed and nodded a few times, leaning against the couch and staring down at his glass as he made it twist gently with his fingers. I brought my legs up on the couch and turned my body to face him but remained at a fair distance. I've always loved how he'd sit on the couch with his legs spread.

"I'm not gonna try to find excuses, Olivia, but I can tell you what went on in my head." he just said with a shrug. "Maybe it won't be good enough for you, maybe it makes no sense, but it's still that."

He looked up and his eyes met mine. I just nodded slowly and pressed my lips together. It was okay if it didn't make sense. It was okay with me, even if his reasons wouldn't make me feel better. I wanted to know if only to stop questioning it.

"At first I just wanted to have fun. I missed you, but you were right, I wanted my freedom  more than anything else. It's all I cared about. But it passed quickly and I started asking about you. Everyone told me to fuck off. Everyone wanted me to leave you alone and deep down, I felt like they were right to ask me that. I had to do some introspection, I couldn't just go back to you and do the same fucking mistakes again. So I wrote, instead. I wrote songs. So many of them."

I licked my lips and took a sip of my wine, frowning slightly.

"Are you ever going to sing them to me?"

"What?" he asked with a frown.

"I'd just.. i'd love to hear them."

He stared at me for a few more seconds still frowning before his face changed and his lips parted. He put his glass away and moved closer, his eyes roaming on my face again. I thought he was going to kiss me but instead, he shook his head slightly.

"You can hear some of them whenever you want." he pointed out low. "On my album, you know? You listened to it, didn't you?"

"You..." I frowned too, feeling my heartbeats accelerate quickly. "Which songs are about me?"

Once again, he seemed in shock and  frowned, shaking his head a bit harder.

"Almost all of them! Olivia who the fuck did you think my album was about?"

I could read panic in his eyes and I swallowed hard. I had wished at least one of his songs was about me but the way he pretended it was obvious made no sense to me.

"Heidi?"

The grimace his face twisted into surprised me and he shook his head again, moving slightly away from me. He rubbed his eyes before placing his hand on his mouth. I kept staring at him as a flood of feelings appeared on his face.

"You two dated and broke up like 3 times in the past year, didn't you?" I tried to explain, moving a bit closer to him. "I mean you always got back with her, clearly you love her, and you... I mean, it says you don't want the other person to leave but... you're the one who left me. You talk about brown eyes! Niall, how the hell did you expect me to think these songs were about me?"

This time, he bent his upper body down on his thighs, pressing his palms on his face and somehow, I wished I could read his thoughts.

"This is just a freaking color, Liv!" he pointed out. "As for the leaving part... I felt you leave, even when we were still together. I felt like you wanted out of this relationship, like you were unhappy with me. You were always so stressed that I was thinking about an other girl and, I know I made things worse and clearly didn't help. I was not patient or understanding with you and I fucked things up. But this album? It's about you. It's yours."

I wanted to kiss him again. I wanted him to climb on top of me and kiss me until I couldn't breathe. I wanted to feel the weight of his body over mine, trapping me to keep me with him forever but instead, I felt myself tear up and remained motionless.

"You honestly think I could write about anyone else than you?" he added in a softer tone. "That song you caught me singing the other night? It's about you. When I saw you for the first time in over a year at the bakery, I came home and wrote an other song. About you. It's always about you."

He sighed as he looked away from me, grabbing his glass and emptying it.

"We need more alcohol."

He got up and came back with an other bottle as we started drinking fast. It was even more obvious to me at that moment that I needed to be very very drunk. I had so many things to tell him, so many things to hear from him, and I had no idea how I'd manage all of this if I was sober.

"Even 'On My Own'" I finally asked as I took an other sip of my drink.

"What?"

"You said all your songs were about me."

He chuckled and rolled his eyes. "Not all of them, some are concept songs, but On My Own is sort of about you, yea."

I raised my eyebrows at him and he laughed, his eyes sparkling probably because of how intoxicated he was becoming.

"Really!" he insisted. "Everyone around me was dating and shit, but I didn't want to date anyone unless it was you. I do prefer to be alone but you and me, we complete each other, don't we?"

I blinked a few times and my fond smile turned into an amused one.

"You're so full of shit!"

We both started laughing and I threw a cushion at him. He grabbed it and put it behind his back as I tilted my head on the side.

"I went to therapy." I admitted, making his smile disappear. "No, not because of you. Mostly because of me. Because I couldn't accept to be without you, and because it was time I stopped hating myself for things out of my control. My insecurities were ruining my life. They had ruined our relationship, I didn’t want to see that happen again."

He frowned a bit and looked down before looking up in my eyes. He suddenly seemed sad and I wondered if maybe I should have kept this for myself. I used to tell Niall everything but it was a long time ago, maybe it wouldn't work like that between us anymore.

"You didn't ruin anything. Your insecurities didn't ruin what we had. I did. I ruined that relationship. I should have been patient with you, I should have stopped flirting, I should have been clear with girls around that I was taken. I did a bunch of stupid stuff and i'm so sorry I made you feel like shit."

I nodded slowly, blinking a few times and realizing I was getting past the tipsy stage. The more I was drinking, the more I wanted him to make love to me, and something stirred in my stomach, bringing me near tears.

"I thought you replaced me." I whispered, frowning and looking down. "I thought Heidi took a place I felt was mine. Your best friend, your girlfriend, your... i don't know, your soulmate, maybe."

"When you left on that night, Liv... I said you would always be the love of my life. This is still the truth. I haven't changed my mind."

I sniffed and licked my lips, putting a small smile back on my lips. I wanted this to be fun. I didn't want to end up in tears again.

"Okay, let's just, throw truths at each other." I proposed making him roll his eyes. "Should be easy, we're both quite drunk. I can start if you want."

He squirmed on the couch to face me, a big smile gracing his lips.

"No it's my turn, uhm." he looked up as if he was searching for something good and his eyes finally met mine again. "I followed your tv show. Checked the blog every single day to see if there was something new. I love watching you act. I love watching your face."

"I google you every night. For over a year. Louis hated it but he allowed me about ten minutes every night. I didn't tell him but sometimes I just went to bed and googled you again on my phone. I kept googling you when I started dating Dylan, too. I even googled you last night. I guess It's an habit now."

His lips curled in some sort of victory smile and I rolled my eyes. I knew he liked it and I couldn't blame him. I liked that he cared about me enough to watch my show even if it was really amateur and even if we didn't talk to each other anymore.

"I dreamed of you a lot. In fact, I dreamed of you the night before we saw each other at the bakery." he admitted with a nervous chuckle. "I'd say it was fate if I didn't actually dream about you at least once a week."

"And what do we do in those dreams?" I asked with a smirk.

"Sometimes we just talk, sometimes we fight. Other times... you don't want to know!" he let out with a laugh.

I smiled more, not telling him that I really wanted to know, and finally breathed in. It felt so good to be with him alone, I couldn't explain how happy it made me.

"I found the card in your wallet."

I thought he would frown or at least take a few seconds to understand what I was saying but his face immediately changed and he sighed, closing his eyes.

"Fuck, I thought I lost it." his face changed into a suspicious expression. "Wait, why were you checking my wallet and why did you keep it?"

I laughed a bit. "It was that time you told me to get money in your wallet to pay for the pizza." I explained, making him nod as he remembered. "I saw that and, I don't know. To be honest, I didn't think you'd notice. I thought you had probably put that in your wallet a long time ago and just forgot to take it out."

He shook his head and the left corner of his lips raised sadly. "I kept that picture of us with the card in the frame... kept it on my night stand for months."

"Must have been awkward when you brought girls back home!" I joked with a laugh.

But he didn't laugh. He just looked up at me and my smile fell.

"I didn't bring girls home." he explained. "Hotels, okay. Sometimes their place. But in my house? No."

I didn't know why but it reassured me, somehow, and made me feel better to know he didn't bring random girls to fuck in the bed where we made love. It was not much when you really thought about it, but to me, it felt important.

"I put that picture away when Heidi told me to. I felt like it was a bit unfair for her to see that, I had to admit. I still have it in my stuff, and I couldn't throw the card away so i put it in my wallet."

I sighed and sent him a small smile before letting myself slide down the couch only to lay down on the carpet. I was drunk and a bit dizzy but I knew that all the feelings inside of me were real. There was no doubt for me. Absolutely none.

It took him a few seconds but he ended up laying down next to me, his head next to mine but his feet and body in the opposite direction. I turned my head to look at him and he did the same, a big smirk on his lips. It made me laugh and I pressed my lips together.

"I was sad when I realized I didn't bring that frame." I confessed very low, knowing he could hear me anyway. Our lips were so close I felt like we could kiss again. I felt like we should kiss again.

"I was glad you forgot it. Because I knew it wasn't on purpose. But selfishly, I wanted to keep it, even if it was a gift for you."

I didn't want to mention it, but I was glad he kept it if only to know that he kept it for months and then put the card in his wallet. That was worth not being able to keep it when I left. I brought my hand and with difficulty, I reached for his cheek, making him chuckle. I brushed my fingers on his cheek and sent him a fond smile.

"Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are?" I murmured again.

"A few times." he smiled more. "Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are?"

This time, I laughed and nodded. "A few times."

We remained silent for a few minutes, just staring at each other, as my heart thumped in my chest. Why was it always so easy with him? Why did I always want to spend all my time with him alone?

"Liv, if there is anything you want to ask me, or tell me... I promise I'll be honest with you." he proposed after a while. "I want to be transparent with you. Always."

My eyes fell on his lips as he talked and all I could think about was that I was so close to kiss him again that I really needed to do something to stop me from going further.

"Did you have sex with that radio girl?" I asked, licking my lips and holding my breath. "And what about that girl who sent you a nude while we were camping?"

His face changed but he didn't look away. He was evaluating how much damage his answer could make and I felt myself tear up. I could read him so easily, even after all this time, and I didn't know how it made me feel.

"Is it really important?" he asked in a soft voice, making me raise my eyebrows. He sighed and closed his eyes. "The radio girl, no I didn't. I did sleep with Gia though."

I was waiting for him to explain himself, or say it meant nothing, but he didn't and I swallowed hard. He had the right to have sex with anyone he wanted. After all, I had sex a few times with one of his best friends, so I couldn't really say anything about it. Did it hurt me? Yes, it did. Because I remembered exactly what that girl's body was like, and thinking about his naked form over hers made me a bit nauseous, but at the same time, it was in the past and it had nothing to do with me.

"Why are you dating her?"

He raised his eyebrows, a bit surprised by my question. "Heidi?"

I nodded. "I know you think she's hot but it's not a reason to date someone." I pointed out with a grimace. "To fuck someone, yea, but not to date them."

"I don't know." he shrugged, a bit taken aback. "She's fun. We had fun."

"You have fun with everyone, Niall." I explained, rolling my eyes.

"What do you mean?"

The way he was frowning was adorable and my lips curled again. "You talk about everyone and call them your best friend, you say that everyone is super funny." I paused and raised my eyebrows again. "Have you ever thought that maybe you're the 'fun' one? Maybe you're the fun person and that's why you have fun with everyone."

It took a few seconds but his lips curled into an amused smile and he laughed, shaking his head.

"You're really something else."

"I just don't get why her. Maya, I get it, but Heidi? Really?"

"You liked Maya, uh?"

I didn't know if I really liked Maya but one thing I knew was that she didn't give me a bad vibe the way Heidi did and that she was gorgeous. No, I wouldn't say I liked Maya, but I understood why someone would want to date her.

"She hated you." he professed with an other chuckle. "She was so jealous of you, she wouldn't shut up about it!"

I felt my heart jump in my chest, a bit shocked that someone, especially someone like Maya, could be jealous of someone like she. She had everything and yet, she felt threatened by an average girl like me? Laughable. It reminded me that during the game, the night before, he had admitted to dialing one of his ex while being drunk and suddenly, I was sure he was talking about Maya and I swallowed.

"Which ex did you drunk dialed?" I asked as he frowned. "Yesterday, at the bar, during the game... you said a lot of things that I wanted to ask about."

"It was you." he laughed, closing his eyes in an embarrassed way and rubbing them. "But when I called it said you changed your number or something. One time I think I left a long drunk voice message to someone that was not you, too."

I chuckled and started nibbling on my bottom lip. This was not the answer I expected but fuck, I loved it.

"I wish I had heard it." I admitted, not knowing how I actually would have reacted.

"I can't believe you sent nudes to Harry but you never sent me any. Why?" he asked, amused.

"Because you never asked, and also, you never sent me any either."

"I don't send nudes." he just replied quickly.

"You should. To me."

His eyes dropped to my lips again and I smiled. I turned my whole body on the side and he did the same. Our faces were now so close I could feel his breath hit gently my forehead.

"Maybe I will."

I chuckled and licked my lips but as we kept staring at each other, I realized how deep the connection we had actually was. I realized how tough it was to stay away from each other and how crazy it seemed to even try.

"What we feel for each other." I started low. "It's visceral."

He nodded slowly. "You and me... we make so much sense, don't you think?"

I lost my smile and nodded slowly. It did. Nothing made more sense than that. I squirmed a bit on the carpet to get closer and brushed my lips against his. The fact that our faces were upside down made it slightly more exciting and when he slipped his tongue in my mouth, I felt my inner thighs start throbbing so hard that I knew I could cum in less than five seconds.

The kiss was slow and sloppy but it was so good I shut my eyes tight, making sure no other part of my body actually moved. I ended up squeezing his tongue with my lips and sucking gently on it, if only to taste him longer. It made him groan and I stopped, freeing his tongue as my lips curled. I was delighted to know I still had some sort of effect on him.

"Pet, don't do that, you're making yourself impossible to resist."

I knew we couldn't do anything and I didn't intend to. I wanted it, I couldn't pretend otherwise, but It was wrong and we both knew it.

"Do you want to sleep here?" I asked as he nodded. "In my bed?" He nodded again. "Are you gonna spoon me?"

"You know I will."

We both got up, almost tripping because of all the alcohol in our bodies, and we started laughing before walking (or more zigzagging) in the hall, dropping random pieces of clothing on our way. We ended up in my bed, under the covers with the lights off, and I closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of his body pressed on mine. I was wearing his shirt again and had kept my panties while he was just wearing boxers. I loved the feeling of his thighs pressed on mine more than I could explain. It burned and at the same time, it made my whole body vibrate. I was close to fall asleep when I heard his voice, making my eyes flutter open again.

"You didn't tell me."

I frowned and reached for his arm that was around my waist, running my fingertips on it gently.

"Tell you what?"

"I told you how much I loved you, but you didn't tell me how you feel."

My heart jumped in my chest and I remained quiet for a few seconds before squirming as I tried to turn my body around. I had to sit up for a few seconds to untwist my shirt and finally lied back down, facing him. His hair was a mess and I was desperate to slip my fingers in it again.

"I'm in love with you, Niall." I let out, staring in his eyes. "I've always been. You're my soulmate. I love you."

"Real love?" he asked, raising his eyebrows, a small smile playing on his lips as one also appeared on mine.

"Real love."

[hoshees]

Could you please do Seventeen as Shinee songs? For a fellow Caratshawol! -- 💎🎄🥕

omg i’m LIVING for this question i love it so much…. apologies for taking so long to answer! i wanted to answer well :)

s.coups: hold you - try to contain yourself while u imagine cheol rocking key’s opening rap and then minho’s rap in the second verse…. spoiler: u can’t. this song is sexy and so is cheol. considering he’s one of my bias wreckers are we shocked by this development??? probably not. 

jeonghan: odd eye - mostly i’m thinking abt that jeonghan solo stage… u know the one…. all i gotta say is: neck tat… like that artistic and sensual but somewhat sinister vibe that jeonghan can pull off so well when he performs? yes. i also think his voice would sound beautiful singing it–especially taem and jjong’s parts.

joshua: tonight - this song sounds like shua and u can’t change my mind. the lyrics are romantic but they’re also really natural? and i feel like his voice would fit perfectly with it too… imagine… rocket pt.2… joshua singing the vocal parts and vernon doing the raps……… ur welcome

jun: shift - ok ok ok so i was listening to this and laughing bc there’s a lyric that says “i saw you from the beginning” and it’s POIGNANT bc jun was the first member that caught my eye and i thought abt maybe biasing him but then hoshi opened his mouth and started talking abt shinee (a shift occurred… get it? hahahaha ok) so… that ship sailed but!! this song is one of my favorites and it’s kinda funky but still really elegant and i think that fits jun? also he could rly sing it well and i feel like him dancing to this would be *chefs kiss*

hoshi: juliette - picking this for two sentimental reasons: 1) it’s his favorite shinee song and he’s talked abt how it inspired him to be an idol and 2) listening to it makes me happy and soonyoung makes me happy so… :) + honorable mention to lucky star bc that’s what he is for me

wonwoo: undercover - alright where do i START. maybe with lyrics. “my feet paddle so quickly underwater / but my face is peaceful, you don’t know / even though i’m always so busy before the curtains go up / in front of you, i’m acting cool / […] just like the dark shadows / seep into the night / i’m digging into your consciousness / inside you, undercover” huh?? huhhhhhh????? this is so wonu. like that cool demeanor he has when he’s performing but also that versatility he possesses? and the TALENT. amazing. also for some reason the whistling in this makes me think of him i’m not sure why but it works somehow

woozi: beautiful life - this song was written by jinki and i feel like he and jihoon would share similar sentiments regarding this song. it makes me think of jihoon’s fancafe post after an ode broke their sales record and he talked about how grateful he is and how much work he put into the album and how “it’s a thankful life.” also the piano and guitar combo is so magical and makes me think abt jihoon and the kind of music he writes and how beautiful it is… and how he makes my life more beautiful too :) @ jihoon pls sing this one day 

dk: i’m with you - when i think of seokmin i think of comfort and that was this song is for me. it’s one of the most beautiful shinee songs ever imo, which… FITTING. it’s definitely in my favorites and i would LOVE to hear him sing it. 

mingyu: your number - this is one of my favorite shinee songs ever (it’s the first video i showed my best friend when i was trying to get her into them) falling in love at first sight in a bookstore while it’s raining outside? yes please. and i just feel like this song is so wholesome and clever just like mingyu. also i think he could really cover minho’s parts in this so well (the rapping and singing) and picturing him doing this choreography is making me smile so BIG wow ok i’ll stop now

the8: picasso - ok first i thought of this bc i was being cheesy since hao paints and appreciates art (and IS art) but the more i think abt it the more it just FITS… the vibe of the song in general mixed w the lyrics and the power of the performance…… very minghao i must say

seungkwan: sunny side - nothing elicits an emotional reaction in me quite like this song. do yourself a favor and listen to it while you read the translation (unless u know japanese? don’t want to assume lol) because you will be HEALED. this is how i feel abt seungkwan tbh like his voice is so soothing and his demeanor is so lovely and i can’t help but feel better when i see him :’)

vernon: get it - firstly, i feel like this is a very vernon thing to say. secondly… rapping. but in all seriousness the percussive aspect of this song reminds me of vernon like it’s got RHYTHM and so does he. the 3:00 minute mark especially has vernon written ALL OVER IT. it’s an older song so parts of it are a little cringe and the lyrics are a bit questionable but he could rly do something with it ya know. vernon rewrite get it and perform it pls and thank u

dino: why so serious? - LISTEN this song gives me chan vibes i can’t quite describe it but i can see him covering it VIVIDLY in my head when i listen to it and it seems like something he could rly make his own… powerful (that guitar!!) and kinda cheeky w raps that remind me of his style a bit 

thank u again i rly loved doing this! caratshawols UNITE

[bwayfanficblog]

Opinions on the BMC OBCR!

(Friendly reminder this is just my opinion! I think this cast recording is over all insanely good, I’m just being a little nit picky because I’ve loved BMC for a while. I had the privilege of seeing BMC in NYC in March, which was amazing and the live performance did influence my opinions a bit. If you have doubts about Will Roland as Jeremy, seeing it live will flip your opinions. Trust me. ❤️)

(edit: my overall opinion of this is that it’s great, but it’s trying WAY too hard. Am I the only one who thinks that the try hard sound completely erases the actual message of BMC? that you don’t have to be someone or soemthing you’re not to impress someone? I feel like the old score was just as amazing and the new actors could’ve done it justice without all of these wild changes. They basically took the creepy retro vibes out of BMC to keep up with modern broadway. I don’t have a problem with it, I just think that it erases the actual message of the show to an extent. I am so in love with Will Roland! He was wonderful live. Feel free to message me and discuss this!)

More Than Survive

- Inclusion of more dialogue is good but I kinda think it breaks up the flow a little

- Will Roland yesss, this song is actually how he sounded live, I wish you could see how incredible he looked and acted during this song

- Inclusion of the “Boyf” dialogue is cute and definitely should’ve been added to begin with

- The new harmonies on “Christineeee” where Jeremy goes up a step is so nice

- Michael’s new part is just as adorable as before, kinda sad they took out the “so own it!” line tho

- Buttt more sweet giggles from Michael makes up for it!

- I don’t like how they cut off the last Canigula so quickly to make room for the chorus singing though idk

- The louder beat slaps tho

- I don’t like how Chloe’s last “I like gay people” is isolated unlike the original cast recording

- Will gives a heartbreaking “I’m never gonna be the cool guy” performance though like damn I almost cried

- The “na na na” is now “na ahh ahh ahh” if that makes sense and it doesn’t give as much impact which makes me wanna die bc that part was so pretty

- Will’s riffs at the end make up for it

I love play rehearsal

- There’s more instruments at the start and I think a flute which is so pretty!!

- Stephanie yessss with those improved vocals

- I think the extra instruments overpower her soft sweet sound at some points in the song tho

- YESS the dialogue that’s now included yesss

- The extra instruments at the end actually add more tho I love it

- A little more dramatic

More than survive (reprise)

- ICONIC

- IM SO HAPPY THEY INCLUDED THIS

- nothing bad to say other than I’m not a fan of the weird pop-y instrumental at the end, when I saw it I think it was a little more spread out instead of included in the song but I could be wrong

The Squip Song

- Gerard’s vocals have gotten even better like yes

- The instrumental sounds about the same as the old recording which makes me glad they didn’t change it too much

- Jeremy sounds scared when he says “you got quick” and I don’t know why ? That’s kinda odd like buddy are you good

- Is rich ok like at all in this song

- The song isn’t as like soft if that makes sense

Two Player Game

- Michael sounds like wants to die when he says “apocalypse of the damned” at the start shaksksks

- BUT THIS SONG IS SO GOOD it’s another one they didn’t change very much

- The instrumental is a little more pop-y but otherwise it’s still got that retro vibe

- George was keeping it real and not changing his vocals in the song for us thank u

- Will Roland come thru with those harmonies once again

- Jeremy’s verse is really soft and sweet and I love it he just sounds done

- The extra lil video game sounds are spot on

- The “You know that you are my favorite person” lines are done so perfect but I’m sad Michael’s little giggle isn’t as prominent

The Squip Enters

- Jake’s “that freak is freaking out” isn’t that funny in this recording sjsksksksk I’m sad

- The Squip’s surfer voice was less prominent live and more realistic and I’m not sure I like it that much in the recording

Be More Chill PT 1

- The Squip has a solo part at the start!! It’s adorable

- Jason Tam yessss

- The Squip calling Jeremy Bae and Boo makes me wanna die tho

- The first part isn’t sung anymore which makes me wanna die too bc he has such a nice voice

- The Squip’s vocals in the chorus tho yes ma’am

- Instead of Jeremy saying “Jesus” he just has a lil panic attack that poor boy

- The Squip kinda sounds British in some parts of it

- You can hear George doing a funny voice for his mall character which makes me laff

- “Jerry?” —“jerry-ME” I love Will

- Chloe is a lot more pissed in this song

Do you wanna ride

- The instruments overpower Brooke in some parts

- They didn’t change the vocal lines too much but they did slow the song a bit ?

- The harmonies are really nice though come through Brooke and Chloe

- The end is also sped up a little

- Brooke’s giggle and the little French at the end was so cute

Be More Chill PT II

- “Everything about me makes me wanna die” LINE WAS SO SAD

- the instrumental build up was so incredible !!

- This is probably my favorite song for the Squip he just brings it vocally

- JEREMY’S LITTLE GIGGLE AFTER “be mORe CHILL” I CRIED

Sync Up

- This replaces the original More than survive reprise

- I don’t like how it takes Michael’s little part out of it because I think it was necessary plus the instrumental part of that slapped

- Also I think it gives us a good insight into the characters but it could’ve been placed somewhere else maybe?

- I also think the beat isn’t very uniform and is kinda messy and the dialogue is more interesting than the actual song

- It shows how nice Jeremy is tho

- I liked this song live better because the actual song just isn’t interesting enough to be a song on its own

- Jeremy and Brooke’s interactions in the song is really nice

- I love the distorted little “na na na” from more than survive though you can tell it’s slightly off

- I don’t like “head to play rehearsal” instead of “drama practice” though I don’t think it flows well

- I’m sad they changed one of my favorite songs !!

A Guy That I’d Kinda Be Into

- Once again stronger instrumental, especially guitar

- The vocal track doesn’t seem to be changed very much again thank u god

- Weird clappy sounds ??

- The harmony on “absolutely” YES

- Christine’s little breathy laugh after “I guess there’s a part of me that wants to” yes sir

Upgrade

- Brooke speaking French at the start SNSKSKSKSOSK

- I think the dialogue gives more insight into Brooke and Jeremy’s relationship

- “Jere-Bear” NAJAKAKA

- THEY TOOK THE LITTLE “damn” OUT NO

- Jake and Christine’s part is cute but it felt a little out of place for some reason and I don’t know why, like the little sad dialogue they have about Jake’s parents feels weird but it’s really

- “I’m tired of being the person everyone thinks that I am” feels like it should’ve been a part of sync up instead of upgrade

- Brooke saying she was happy Jeremy looking at her instead of Chloe first made me wanna bawl

- Also it makes me wanna punch Jeremy

- Poor Jenna got like 1 like in this song

- I feel like it wasn’t smooth transition into Loser Geek Whatever at the end I don’t like the whole weird chorus thing leading into it at all

- Feels out of place without Michael’s little part at the end, I’m sad they’re cutting significant Michael parts, I know they kept it in LGW but it felt more in place in upgrade

Loser Geek Whatever

- It’s great and Will re recorded it for the album because it seems to have more emotion and be more genuine

- He sounds super excited at the start and it makes happy

- One of the few songs that managed to keep BMC’s kinda creepy computer tech vibe which is weird because it wasn’t even in the original album I wonder if it was written newly or was a draft from the first run back in 2013-2015

- A little more upbeat but in a good way

- Will’s vocals sound a lot better than the first recording

- Extra beeping at “my one real friend” was nice

Halloween

- Brooke does a little bark at the start awe

- The beat doesn’t go as hard as the OG cast recording which sucks bc it went hard

- Everyone kinda sounds like they wanna die at the start again which seems like common theme??

- The chorus doesn’t slap either what

- The song also got cut a little short I think unless I’m crazy but I feel like it was longer than this?

- Extra verse at the end and I don’t really like it

- Kinda boring now and doesn’t give you a panic attack vibe like the OG one did

Do You Wanna Hang

- Only song where they changed a lot that made it better

- Included the dialogue at the start which makes the song make more sense

- The Squip’s Voice is so smooth ssnskskskw

- Chloe’s losing her mind a little but I love it

Michael in the Bathroom

- Jesus George’s vocals OWN MY WHOLE ASS

- He’s only gotten better somehow

- No to the new pop-y sounds in it it takes sad creepy feel out of it

- Too much instrumental added bc it doesn’t sound like ballad anymore

- I dunno how I feel about it because George’s vocals are perfect but the instrumental is doing him dirty and not making it sad enough

- This song gives me anxiety now wjsjsksks and I don’t know if that’s good or bad?

- The few lines and instrumental lines are the same as the OG which is good

A Guy That I’d Kinda Be Into (reprise)

- SO HAPPY THEY INCLUDED THIS TOO

- Whoever’s playing that flute was told to play that shit LOUD

- Jeremy’s “Christineee” omg he’s so in love

The Smartphone Hour

- The new instrumental sounds at the start sound bonk

- The phone sound effects make me wanna die dndkjssk

- Tiffany Mann’s voice COME THROUGH

- The “whoaaaa” was changed which makes me sad

- I’m glad they specified it was Jake’s house because when I listened to the OG one at first I was like did he just burn down a random house ??

- The dialogue between Chloe and Brooke is kinda dramatic now but it’s not a bad thing

- KATHYLN CARLSON’S VOICE IN HER SOLO CHORUS YES SIS

- the whistle noise has gotta go that’s what my track coaches whistle sounded like when I wasn’t running fast enough

- I’m scared now the dance break sounds like salsa music

- “Matches, ashes” was changed to “drama, drama” girl what

- Brooke’s screams yes

- The random auto tune voices in the back are trying to capture the creepy vibe that this song originally has but isn’t doing it

- This song isn’t changed much though and still has the OG vibes which is good

The Pants Song

- The weird piano at the start scares me

- The lyrics have changed a bit too

- I’m not too familiar with this song because I don’t listen to it so often but it doesn’t sound too different from the OG cast recording which is good instrumental wise

- The chorus sounds different though I don’t know how I feel about it

- The “Michael in the bathroom” melody playing in the back during the dialogue YES

- Omg the dialogue where Jeremy’s dad tells him to say it like he’s in the army omg I’m weak

- YES THE HARMONY RIGHT AFTER RHAY DIALOGUE

The Pitiful Children

- My fav song

- Not this version I don’t think but

- I don’t mind the lyric changes but I think it takes the dark creepy techno vibe out of the song

- If it was anyone other than Jason Tam singing this version I wouldn’t like it

- The chorus lost its punch with this new pop sound

- I’m really confused as to why the lyrics had to change tho these make less on an impact, I think a solo song with Jeremy and the Squip about Christine would’ve cooler

- The Squip and Jeremy’s harmonies tho like fuck me up

- The techno voice singing “lets save the pitiful children” is eh like it makes it cheesy

- I’m scared of the Squip singing “Squip Squip Squip”

- “Everything about us” run is still amazing as always

- I just realized the Squip is using Christine to manipulate Jeremy into squipping everyone that makes sense that’s why the lyrics are changing

The Play

- The dialogue at the start is different but it makes sense, it’s Jeremy realizing the Squip made him Squip the whole cast

- The instrumental sound is the same thankfully

- “Michael makes an entrance” sounds like Michael wants to die is he good

- It adds Michael and Jeremy’s fighting dialogue in it which I like and adds the two player game melody in the back

- Jake’s “living the upgrade” line was cut short :((( I love his voice

- They changed the “having sex” convo between Brooke and Chloe which doesn’t make it relevant to that scene anymore ?? But they also validate each other so idc

- The “I love play rehearsal” melody playing when Christine talks yes ma’am

- “I’m stronger than you think I am” I LOVE JEREMY

- The LGW melody playing when Jeremy is telling the Squip to fuck off

- Jeremy and Michael saying “oh god” back and fourth to each other in different tones of voice is an accurate representation of having a best friend conversation

Voices in my head

- The start sounds like pac-man and I’m so here for it

- RICH HAS HIS LISP YES QUEEN also his harmonies !!

- This instrumental is kept pretty much the same too which I’m happy about

- “Don’t dump her on Halloween” BYE I love u Brooke

- “We are your squad” AWE

- It’s so pure

- The second verse has some lyric changes but I like them more

- LGW melody is playing when he and Christine talk which is so soft bc he’s like owning being a loser?

- The “bowling alley performance art” line wouldn’t make sense if you haven’t watched the show but it’s cute

- The loud flute is present again shsksksksks

- Awe the ending harmonies are soft

- The Squip was tripping balls in the end of that wtf

- The “na na na” runs at the end don’t sound like the more than survive ones sjsksksk

- “You ready?” I LOVE

- Jeremy is such a dork and I love that so much in this song

[rugessnome]

I'm going to pretend @overlyelegantstranger tagged me... 1. Nickname: Mouse is my longstanding online nickname, and for a bit less, DT (for Darth Tenebrous, actually, given my URL) ...actually I spelled Adrien the way I did because I've an OC who shortens her (different) name to "Ien", but I haven't found it convenient to introduce, nor convinced myself it refers to me. 2. Zodiac sign: I'm supposedly a Taurus; actually the sun was in Aries at my birth, and while those often suit me in tumblr astrology, I resent the assigned nature of it all so uh... also no. 3. Height: Five four, maybe five foot five if I'm lucky and standing particularly straight 4. Hogwarts house: Mostly Ravenclaw, with some Slytherin sympathies and a newfound appreciation for Hufflepuff. I will actively resent Gryffindor colors unless you tell me they're actually Shuos (even though I would probably be a Nirai, if anything, in the hexarchate. But I love certain of my foxes.) and/or somehow Sith. 5. Last thing I googled: "Nebuchadnezzar poisoning", because @piermanwalter reminded me of an anecdote in The Disappearing Spoon about how the eating grass thing might have been prompted by inadvertent poisoning. I didn't remember which element; turns out it's lead AND antimony. 6. Favourite musicians: Idk; Over the Rhine are up there, and lately The Mountain Goats. I've also seen Belle & Sebastian and Camera Obscura in concert, so I suppose they're up there. Vienna Teng, Regina Spektor... This is an incomplete list. 7. Song stuck in my head: the phrasing of this question keeps putting some song I don't even really know that has "over my head, over my head" in it? But really it's OTR's "And Can It Ever Be?", with which I am a little obsessed anew, because: "This night is so dark/this night is silence, and very little fear/tell me that this welcome peace/isn't dancing with the ghost of future tears" 8. Following now: four hundred ish? I'm going to check and come back and edit. The vast majority of whom are inactive and/or not personal blogs. 9. Followers: I think this is around 500, although I am/may be long overdue for a purge of spam/porn blogs 10. Do I get asks: Mostly only when I ask for them. But occasionally. 11. Amount of sleep: I gravitate towards about 8 hours. I am practically nonfunctional normally on much less than 6, and lately, thanks to um... anxiety, even getting by on 6 is difficult. 12. Lucky number: ...in some ways π, in some ways e 13. What I’m wearing: Star Trek ~lounge pants I made from Enterprise/"Star Trek" print fabric, and an oversized t-shirt I got when I participated in a litter cleanup 14. Dream job: uhhh something involving as many as possible of: sci-comm, math or programming tasks, a result helpful to people, and maybe a bit of domestic travel now and again?? Idk, I seem to change my mind on this frequently and don't really have a good or set idea. 15. Dream trip: I think the idea I'm most into at the moment is one day, hoping the present situation doesn't actually end service for good, is riding the uh "Empire Builder" Amtrak route through the northern US. Aside from that, I recently went to West Virginia and western Pennsylvania and would enjoy going back and also I am (except for quarantine concerns) almost always up for a road trip to Michigan. 16. Favourite food: this is not something I am good at deciding. There are too many good ones. Something, such as I had for dinner, involving potatoes, corn tortillas, and some peppers and tomatoes (or tomatillos in something else) and cheese as seasoning is my idea of great comfort food. I appreciate a good meatloaf but I also really don't mind eating vegetarian meals on a regular basis, given they're something I like. 17. Instruments: um. I can kinda play a few pieces, with idiosyncratic timing, on keyboard/piano and that's about it. I don't fluently read music though I might be able to work through something in treble clef. I recently acquired a cheap ukulele but I am struggling with tuning it, or understanding how it's used in songs or... 18. Languages: rusty, at best I was almost capable of halting conversation, German and Spanish. I have the Duolingo Latin tree but I don't think it's um... that extensive. I have learned a little Russian and beyond that just... too many interests, without much time being devoted to any of them. 19. Favourite song: I'm into "And Can It Ever Be?" anew, as I said above; also more recently "Your Honor" and "Ghost of Corporate Future" off Soviet Kitsch (aand, a bit awkwardly, "Hotel Song"). "You Or Your Memory" "Dance Music" "This Year" and "Up the Wolves" (which is to say that basically the larger part of my album rotation lately is Soviet Kitsch, The Sunset Tree, and Till We Have Faces)... 20. Random fact: I have been watching retro computer repair videos lately (Adrian's Digital Basement esp) and they've made me kinda want to learn to solder. Though I'm not sure whether I'll look into this before we're past current events or not. (Probably I'd start with some of the kits from Evil Mad Scientist Labs) 21. Aesthetic Standing in a broad-shouldered greatcoat surveying a wintry landscape, perhaps feeling powerful, but with a note of melancholy and humility to it. Welcoming a dear friend in, pet in arms, with an array of beautiful if homely chopped vegetables and prepared ingredients inside waiting to be cooked up. A hobbit math professor relaying an algebra theorem or a physics application. Walking near a wetland in a flannel, among the trees and wildlife.

[outerspaceisbetterthannothing]

Stuck with me [Ashton Irwin] Ch.1

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2

Summary: Can a sudden meeting really change your life for the better? Or will it be just another mistake they made?

A/N: okay, so this wasn’t planned at all and I blame Aria @paqueretteash for getting me in my Ashton mood. But I really really like where this is going so far. Also the last album by The Neighbourhood was a big inspo, so you can def use “24/7”, “Scary love” and “Stuck with me” for the atmosphere. The feedback is extremely appreciated. Enjoy

Warnings: none, apart from couple of curse word probs

Chapter 1

Early spring breeze was life saving. Ashton took a deep breath of fresh air and suddenly realised that he didn’t want to get back inside that club. It was just another, quite usual night they were spending out after a studio day. He didn’t even care anymore whose idea it was to go to the club or what party they were at or what were celebrating. He stopped keeping track of that just like he stopped keeping track of time. It was definitely much easier this way. And much safer too.

His phone vibrated in his back pocket. He considered the idea of picking up, he really did. But then he just decided not to. The night was so wonderful he basically didn’t need anything more right now. Or anybody for that matter.

Ashton looked back at the club entrance. Music was blasting, a line of drunk and high people waiting for their chance to get more drunk and high. What was he even doing there?

He shook his head answering his own thoughts, crossed the road and just walked down the street. He wasn’t going to walk the whole way back to his house, just wanted to spend some time outside before calling an Uber. So he just walked, down the street and then around the corner and down another street full of other clubs and bars. He was passing some people here and there, lonely or in small groups, happy or sad, couple girls even crying. Everybody’s searching for something on the night streets of LA. And no one's caring for him. It was so peaceful like that, no friends around, no fans screaming and taking numerous photos, nothing and no one to distract him.

Ashton didn’t know, how much time he spent like that. But one moment everything somehow changed. He just felt that strange urge inside of him, he stopped and looked at the other side of the road. She was there. A young girl, she was sitting on the sidewalk not far from some bar’s entrance. Her dress was ripped at the hem, at least he thought it was ripped. Maybe it was just some strange fashion or something. But her shoulders were definitely shaking and she was wiping her cheeks, so she was obviously crying. Ashton looked both sides of the road and crossed the street.

Trying not to question his own motives, he came up to the girl and sat down next to her. He could hear her sobbing while walking towards her, but the moment she noticed him, all the sounds stopped.

She looked at him warily and tried to move away.

“Do you, maybe, need help?” Ashton asked in a soft tone, understanding with delay that he had probably scared her.

“Do I look like I need help?” she answered, her voice is still wary and her eyes not leaving his face for a moment.

Ashton laughed at that and looked at her. Suspicion was still all over her face, but behind it Ashton could see anger and… despair?

“Frankly, yes,” he admitted. “You look exactly like you need help.”

She just shrugged and looked away.

“Not like it’s any of your business.”

“True,” Ashton agreed easily. “But what if I still can help you?”

She sighed and asked in an extremely tired voice, “Seriously, dude, what do you want from me? I’m not in a mood to be picked up tonight. And so you know, in case you have anything on your mind, my friends are about to walk out of that bar and I also can scream very loudly.”

“I’ll take that into consideration if I decide to rape or kidnap you, thanks,” Ashton chuckled.

“You must think you’re so funny.”

“Actually, I know I’m funny. From time to time I can even be hilarious,” Ashton agreed, taking his phone out of his jeans pocket. “And in case you ever meet real maniac or rapist on the street so late at night, consider being a little more convincing.”

“The hell are you-”

“You’re sitting on a pavement and crying at almost two in the morning, while your friends are drinking inside?” he pointed out, all the amuse gone. “You either have the shittiest taste in friends, or there are no friends of yours in that bar,” he stated unapologetically, watching her eyes filling with tears. “And judging by your expression, the second option is closer to the truth.”

“Fuck you!”

She didn’t let him say anything in return. The next thing Ashton knew was her walking away fast and him still sitting on a pavement. He jumped up and rushed after her.

“Hey, I’m sorry, okay! Didn’t mean it wrong,” he tried to make her if not stop, then at least slow down. “Just let me help you, okay?”

But she just dropped over her shoulder, “Don’t need your help.”

Ashton sighed and hurried in an attempt to catch up with her, which wasn’t so difficult thanks to height difference.

“Okay, I got it. But let me just order you an Uber, please?”

At this she immediately stopped, eyes glued to the pavement under her feet and arms tight around her shoulders. Ashton took it as a positive sign. He switched his phone on and tapped at an Uber logo.

“Seriously, it’s going to be like the fastest way to get rid of me,” he chuckled again, looking  at her and trying to read her face. “Just tell me the address. I promise I won’t follow you like some kind of lunatic.”

But she just stood there, looking at the ground and keeping silence. Ashton’s smile dropped. He basically understood nothing. What did that mean? And then he saw tears streaming down her cheeks, her shoulders started shaking again. Ashton raised a hand to her arm, but then hesitated for a moment. Could he touch her? Would she let him? What if not?

But then she started going down back on her knees, and he forgot all his questions. He grabbed her, preventing her from falling and pulled into his chest, holding her tightly and feeling her shoulders shake in silent sobs. So they stood like that, she was crying her heart out and he was just holding her, a girl he knew nothing about, not even a name.

Soon the tears ended and she pulled away, wiping her cheeks again.

“Thanks,” she mumbled. “And sorry.”

“That’s okay,” Ashton assured her, feeling wet spots from her tears on his shirt get cold from the breeze. “So, after I haven’t killed you in so long, would you let me order you a taxi?”

She looked at him with wide eyes, obviously astonished by his ability to joke at such a moment, but then to their mutual surprise she snorted. And then she shook her head and looked away.

“I’m afraid that’d be a problem,” she explained.

Ashton frowned, “Why is that?”

She took a deep breath, suppressing new wave of tears and answered, “Because I have nowhere to go.”

Ashton sighed too, mirroring her, and went back to the Uber app.

“What are you doing?” she asked, watching his manipulations, the wary expression back on her face.

“Getting an Uber,” he explained like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“To where?”

“To my place.” Ashton finished placing an order, switched the screen off and looked up at her.

“And you expect me to go with you?” she asked, taken aback by his bold move.

“Yes, I do. Unless spending nights on the street is some kind of hobby of yours,” Ashton snapped back suddenly feeling irritated. He just wanted to help. Was it so difficult to comprehend? Or so difficult to accept?

“I can’t go with you!” she stated stubbornly, her look at the ground again.

“And why is that?” he asked, his body started to feel tired and numb.

“I don’t even know your name!”

“It’s Ashton. And if I wanted to kill you or something, I’d already do it.”

“Oh, thank you, now I feel much safer!” she snarled.

“You also know that I’m a funny type of guy. People often know less about each other before one night stands, so if I were you, I wouldn’t be so picky.”

“But you don’t even know my name!” she exclaimed as in the last attempt to find any valid reason for it to be a bad idea.

Ashton at the same time was just standing there, looking at her and loosing in the battle of trying to hide his smile. A car stopped right behind his back. His phone clicked, signaling that was their car.

“What’s your name?” he asked, smile still on his face.

Her shoulders went down. “It’s Y/N.”

“Nice to meet you, Y/N,” Ashton chuckled, opened car’s door and waved his hand, inviting her. “Now, shall we?”

But she stood there still and kept watching him.

“I promise, in the morning you can go wherever you want and I won’t try to stop you. But now, please, get in the damn car.”

Ashton knew he probably pushed too much, hard expression on his face and ice in his tone. But he was tired from both the long day before and their ridiculous conversation. He just needed her to get into that car and go home and fall asleep. And maybe deal with it in the morning. Or maybe not. Whatever. Now he just needed her to do as he told and he didn’t give a fuck if he could scare her off. But unexpectedly, that was exactly what finally set her in motion.

She threw him another angry look and dived into the darkness of a taxi backseat without any other word. Ashton followed suit, thinking what a crazy night it happened to be and wondering what waited for them in the morning.

He looked at her face, flashes of street lamps lighting it up every couple of seconds.

What a crazy night…

***

The house was dark and empty. Nothing new.

Aston suppressed another sigh and moved toward the kitchen. He dropped his keys on a kitchen island and opened the fridge. He couldn’t hear her steps, her flats producing no sound at all, but somehow he knew, she was behind him. He could feel her eyes burn a hole in his head.

“Want anything?” he asked, grabbing a bottle of water.

He looked back when didn’t hear her answer, wondering if his feelings played tricks on him. But no, there she stood, right next to the kitchen island, looking around utterly surprised and obviously feeling like a fish out of water. Ashton followed her look and chuckled. He also asked himself sometimes why he’d need such a big house.

She looked at him slightly scared by the sound of his laugh.

“No, thanks,” she answered, shivering under his look.

Ashton shrugged, closed the fridge and motioned her to follow him, “Let’s go then.”

They crossed spacious living room, went up the stairs. One of the guest rooms was right next to the stairs, but under some impulse Ashton passed it, heading further. He opened the last door in the corridor and wanted to turn on the light, but stopped himself the last moment. As if light could ruin something. As if there was anything left to ruin in this house.

“You can stay here,” he mumbled, letting her come inside. “There’s a shower there,” he pointed to the bathroom door and looked again at her. She was looking back at him, wide-eyed like she was still surprised by his acting. She moved past him and looked around the room, feeling natural in the dark just like him. The hem of her dress, still a question for Ashton, brought an idea.

“You need something to change in, hold on a moment,” he said, leaving the room abruptly.

“Like I have a place to run to…” he heard her whisper back in the room and smiled. There was something endearing in her gloomy sarcastic remark.

He was back in no time, handing her his sweats and some band tee. And earning another exasperated look. Ashton felt his shoulders sink. He already opened his mouth to say that it was just clothes, nothing much. And that it was only natural to have a shower after sitting on a dusty pavement for God knows how long. And that she doesn’t need to be afraid of him doing something inappropriate if she steps into the shower in his house. And even that he didn’t really want her to sleep in one of his beds in a dirty dress, even if he wasn’t the one to clean the bed later. He really wanted to tell her off, but then he decided to keep it to himself. Just because she was standing there in the darkness of his guest bedroom and Aston suddenly realized how tiny she was. She was lost, all alone in the city, God knows what shit she had in her life if she had nowhere to go to in the middle of a night. And she was in the house of a guy she’s never seen before. She definitely deserved a medal for not combusting that very moment because of everything happening around her. Ashton stepped forward, trying not to come too close to her. He put his clothes on the bed and took couple steps back to the door.

“I’ll just leave it here. You can use it if you want. Or not, it’s up to you.”

She didn’t say anything in return, not a single gesture could prove that she even heard him.

“If you need anything or decide to kill me in my sleep, my room is opposite to yours,” he jokingly informed.

But no answer again. She was standing there, watching his every move, but producing no reactions.

So Ashton found nothing better than to leave without any other word.

He closed her door behind him and in one big step crossed the corridor, diving in the serenity of his own bedroom. He fell on the bed, carefully made by his housekeeper after he left in the morning, and heard the muted sound of the shower in her bedroom.

He couldn’t help his smile and finally relaxed, falling asleep faster than ever.

***

Y/N opened her eyes lazily. Her head hurt a little, no surprise after everything she’d drunk last night. Dim morning light crept up the duvet, the bed too comfortable to think of leaving it. Strange, but it was strikingly more comfortable than usual.

She sat up harshly and looked around an unknown bedroom. The memories of last night coming to her in waves, making everything so clear and so scary.

She creeped out of bed and looked at her dress in hesitation. The dress was dirty, ripped at the hem, and what was even worse, it was his favourite dress. She didn’t want to put it on at all. Y/N went to the bathroom and inspected herself in the mirror. Her flats would look really odd with that guy’s sweats. Could she just sneak out in these clothes? Not like that dude could miss them, judging by this house, he could afford a ton of such sweats and tees. But still, they weren’t hers to take. Y/N sighed heavily, washed her face and changed back in her dress. She felt awful, dirty, used and betrayed. But all of this was better than stealing. No matter what happened to her (and what was about to happen), she still had some dignity left.

She looked out of a huge window, trying to understand what time it was. She couldn’t remember, where she left her phone, and there was no clock in this bedroom. But the sky wasn’t of much help, all grey and gloomy it hid the sun from her eyes.

She folded the clothes she’d slept in neatly and left it on the cover of freshly made bed. Then she opened the door, noticing that her hands were shaking slightly and went downstairs.

Y/N couldn’t understand why she was so nervous. Half of her was praying for the owner of the house to still be asleep, so she could just go away never to remember him again. Half of her wanted to see him again. Look in his eyes in the daylight and maybe even thank him for his kindness.

First she heard the sound of something being fried. Then she saw him, with his back to her. Ashton was cooking breakfast for himself, oblivious to the fact that there was an audience. He was in a pair of sweats matching ones he'd given her and a plain black tee. She could hear him humming some melody but she didn't recognize the song. Y/N took couple more steps forward and tried to think of what to say to attract his attention, but her brain was empty. And normal phrases seemed too awkward.

“How did you sleep?” Ashton asked not looking at her. He didn't even move his head a little to catch a glimpse of her standing there. Everything about him was strange.

“How did you know I was here?” Y/N asked.

Now he looked over his shoulder, smile on his face.

“Your sight can burn holes in the walls. Kinda difficult not to notice you,” he chuckled. “So how did you sleep?”

He switched the stove off and opened a cupboard in search for a plate.

“Okay, thank you,” Y/N answered. “And thank you for letting me stay the night, but I have to go, so…”

Ashton put two plates on the counter.

“Won't stay for breakfast?”

Y/N looked at him with the same astonishment in her eyes as she did the previous night. She literally couldn't wrap her head around this man's actions.

“I've here toasts and omelette with some veggies. And there's some pretty good coffee. I'm sure you could use some after last night,” and he winked, putting a plate with food in front of her and turning on the coffee machine.

“So it's bed and breakfast?” she couldn’t help but snort.

“Don't get me wrong, I don't usually cook for girls in the morning. Just made too much for one this time.”

“That's exactly what I thought,” Y/N nodded but didn't move closer.

Ashton shrugged. “Come on, we both survived last night, which proves that no one's a maniac here. Doesn't it give us a right to enjoy some breakfast?” he waved to the chair. “Please?”

Y/N didn't want to stay. It was difficult to explain, just an odd feeling in the back of her mind. She knew the longer she stayed, the harder it was gonna be for her to leave. But she was hungry, and coffee smelled heavenly.

So she gave in and sat at the table.

“Black coffee? Or with milk?” Ashton asked, satisfied with her decision.

“With milk,”she answered, still looking shy and a little confused. “And sugar if you have it.”

Ashton chuckled on her choice and put everything on the kitchen island in front of her. Y/N hummed a thank you, fetched herself a cup of coffee and picked up a fork. She took a first bite under his stare.

“That’s very good,” she said, figuring he was waiting for her reaction.

Ashton nodded but didn’t look away from her as he didn’t touch his breakfast either.

“So, what exactly happened to you?” he asked a moment later, making it difficult for her not to groan out loud. That was so predictable, and so off the point. She should have just gone when she had a chance. Now he would ask her about all that shit, making her re-live all of it while telling him. And then he would give her some ass awful advice only a well-off person could give to somebody from absolutely different social level. And then they part. He would just go on with his day feeling totally satisfied with how he helped her and showed her the way out (which she, of course, had gladly taken). While she would just feel even shittier than before and with the same problems and no idea what to do.

“I mean, I know it’s not really my business,” Ashton admitted as there was only one way to interpreter her silence.

“It’s not,” she agreed, still looking at the plate in front of her.

“But you know, sometimes you just need to speak about it out loud to make it all a little better.”

She let a humorless laugh and looked up at him to note, that saying it all out loud won’t do her any good. But the look in his eyes stopped her the very moment. The was no patronizing in his eyes, no smug superiority. His look was calming and soft and warm. She couldn’t help but blurt, “I broke up with my boyfriend.”

He nodded, “I’m sorry.”

She looked back at her plate and took a coffee cup, starting to twist it nervously on the table surface. “That’s okay, I suppose. Not like he ended up being a good guy after all.”

“Still a shitty situation.”

She didn’t say anything in reply. Shitty didn’t even start to describe all of it.

“So you lived with him?” Ashton asked again. “That’s why you said you had nowhere to go?”

Y/N nodded again.

“Why not go crash at one of your friends’?” he frowned.

Y/N smiled and shook her head. “It’s all very complicated, Ashton,” she noted quietly and switched her attention back to her omelette. She was very hungry after all.

Ashton also picked up his fork and for several minutes it was just them eating breakfast.

“How old are you?” he asked, trying again to make  this conversation work.

“Nineteen.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Why don’t you go back to your parents then?”

“You’re not gonna give up that easily, aren’t you?” she asked not sure to get pissed or amused over his persistence.

“Nope, that’s just not me,” he shook his head smiling.

And suddenly, just from the look of his smile, Y/N started sobbing. She lowered her eyes, hid her face in her hands in an attempt to calm herself down. She heard the fridge door open and close the moment later, and then he put something in front of her. She moved her hands to be able to look. He put a chocolate mousse next to her plate and a spoon. She sniffed one last time and looked at him quizzically.

Ashton shrugged, “You can’t really cry while eating a chocolate mousse.”

She snorted. “Wanna bet?”

But then she took a spoon, opened mousse and dig into it.

“So, I’ve met Josh last spring. We with my two best friend were at some college party, and he was there too,” she looked up at Ashton again. He looked taken aback by her consent to speak after all. “Josh is my, well, now definitely ex-boyfriend,” she explained.

“I figured,” he nodded, finally sitting down.

“So, he was there. And it was like, I don’t know, love at first sight. I left that party with him, even though I was never that kind of girl. But I could never say no to him. Guess that’s what got me here,” she chuckled. “We didn’t even do anything that night, just drove around my neighbourhood till the sunrise. I was crazy about him. He was all I could think or speak about. Which really pissed all of my friends, they never liked him. But it was spring, we were finishing school and they found it in them to bear with me.”

She took another spoon of mousse, making a short pause in her story. She wasn’t looking at Ashton while speaking, but could feel him looking at her face intensely.

“He was all the live-free kind of man. I saw he was a definition of trouble as people like my father would say. Maybe that was exactly what tempted me so much. I was about to go to Berkeley, study law, had all this life plan my dad made up for me. But Josh though it was stupid. Education is a waste of time, especially law school,” she shrugged. “Spend years learning Latin to become a part of the system which oppresses people. We were spending nights on the beach watching stars and that was honestly the only life I wanted to have in the future. All dreams of successful career lost. So you can imagine the reaction of my Dad, when I said I wasn’t going to Berkeley. We had a huge fight at home. And we didn’t use to fight with my Dad at all,” she paused again, finishing her mousse. “I just packed some clothes and went to Josh. He said I did the right thing. Dad tried to reach me, but I was too stubborn to listen to him. And I was eighteen already, so he didn’t have any legal way to bring me back home.”

She shrugged again, turning back to what was left of her omelette.

“That’s even tastier after mousse,” Y/N said couple moments after that.

Ashton chuckled. “I should include it in the recipe.”

He watched her eat for some time more, before asking, “Why didn’t you go to one of your friends?”

She sighed with a mouthful of omelette.

“Well, they were all pretty much against me moving in with Josh and not going to college. And they expressed their opinion straight, so I kinda broke all the ties,” she shrugged. “They are all in colleges around the country now, anyway.”

Ashton rubbed his chin getting deep in his thoughts. She finished her omelette and looked at him again with a shy smile.

“What are you gonna do now?” he asked.

Y/N shrugged, drinking her coffee in silence.

“I still need to get back to Josh’s place to get my stuff. Hope he at least grabbed my purse and my phone yesterday,” she mused out loud.

“You gonna stay with him?” he asked again in the same serious tone.

She frowned. “God, no, of course no,” she shook her head. “Not after what happened yesterday.”

“So what are you gonna do?” Ashton kept pushing her.

She sighed. Looked up at him again. They both understood it at the same moment. She had not a slightest idea what to do. He wasn’t going to let that happen.

“You can live here,” he offered carefully.

“Thanks, but no,” she replied even before he finished his sentence.

“Why the fuck no?” Ashton chuckled in disbelief. He was more than prepared for her reaction, knowing couple of things about her already, but it still amused him. “Not like you’ve got much of a choice!”

“Yes, thank you for reminding,” she growled back and hid her face in her hands again.

“Listen, you don’t wanna get back to your dickhead boyfriend. And you’re not ready to get back to your Dad, and have no other relatives and friends as I understood,” he listed, looking at her. “And I can definitely spare a room.”

“Since when is it a reason?” she mumbled from behind her hands.

“Since I wanna help.”

She took a deep breath, put her hands down on her lap and said, “Thank you for that, but I can’t just start living with a guy I met less than twelve hours ago.”

“I’m not asking you to live with me. I’m offering you a position of a roommate!”

Y/N raised her eyebrow. “A roommate?” she repeated skeptically. Ashton nodded, his face lit up with a hint of a smile. “Not sure if I can afford half of the rent,” she mumbled, looking around his place.

“We can call it a deal with a delayed payment,” he shrugged nonchalantly.

She shook her head in disbelief. “Okay, but i still can’t do that.”

“Why?” Ashton uttered.

“Because you’re obviously crazy!”

“I’m not crazy,” he stated in a much calmer voice. “But I have a younger sister. She’s couple years younger than you and also extremely stubborn. I wanna believe that if she’s ever ends up at a situation like this,which I hope she wouldn’t, there’ll be somebody to look after her.”

“I’m not stubborn,” she almost pouted. Ashton gave her a look, but didn’t say anything about it. They just sat there glaring at each other, she was not ready to give in, he was not ready to give up.

“Just for a while,” Ashton almost pleaded couple minutes later. “Just till you understand what to do next and get your act together again.”

But Y/N kept staring at him in her silent thinking.

“For a couple of days at least?” Ashton wasn’t ashamed of the begging tone anymore. He had to make her stay. He didn’t really understand why. She was right about everything, they were just two strangers, shouldn’t have cared for each other, and he did act like a crazy guy. But he had to make her stay. That much he knew for sure. “I won’t forgive myself if I let you go and then find out something bad happened to you.”

And with that she sank on the table. “Okay,” he heard her muted groan.

“Okay?” Ashton asked not fully ready to believe his victory.

“Okay,” Y/N repeated, moving up. “But only for couple of days. And only as a roommate,” she added rather awkwardly.

Ashton snorted, “And about that you shouldn’t be worried at all.”

Y/N made a face, while Ashton took their plates and put them into the sink. He rushed in the living room then, put on a black hoodie with a roman numeral three and picked up his car keys from a coffee table.

“So are you going or what?” he threw in her direction, heading straight to the front door.

“Going where?” Y/N asked. She was utterly at a loss with his mood swings and his hastiness.

Ashton stopped right before the doors and looked at her, bright smile on his face. “I thought you wanted to get your stuff?”

***

[brishu]

Almost Everyone

My daughters were introduced to the music of the Backstreet Boys by camp counselors, so their only context for hearing some of their bigger hits (and they have an astonishing number of very big hits) was the enthusiasm of people about 10 years older than them. No anti-boyband snark, no snobbery that looks askance at performers who don’t play instruments. They began asking for specific songs to be added to their music players, and even requested “As Long As You Love Me” at my dearest friend’s daughter’s Bat Mitzvah party. To them, the Backstreet Boys were as much a part of the pop canon as Elvis, only still out there performing.

Their response to the BSB’s seemed to be purely musical. It’s possible that they got high on secondhand boyband fumes, since their counselors’ enthusiasm was surely fueled by the gangbusters marketing campaign designed to make millions of kids fall in love with AJ, Brian, Nick, Howie and Kevin, which is probably even harder to pull off than it sounds. But as much as I’d like to, I can’t discount the quality of the music either. And if I’m shocked that five cute boys who first performed together in 1993 just hung another Number 1 album on the Billboard charts (which apparently also still exist), maybe it’s my shock that should be shocking. I also envied the girls their ready embrace of songs they liked without subjecting them to the battery of artistic litmus tests their sonically dyspeptic father does. 

The psychotherapeutic industry seems built upon the distinction between gentle and brutal. If you make the same, relatively harmless mistake repeatedly, steps toward correction are fine, but ease up on the internal machete. If you are too prone to lying to maintain valuable relationships or hold down a job, stop treating your dishonesty like fine china, you goddamn schlemiel. OK, I’m not a psychological expert but one of the things I’ve been working on in therapy is retaining a consistent striving for improvement while loosening an attachment to self-flagellation. So, occasional desire to make my children happy aside, was it a well-earned moment of transcendence or a mere boot to my own aesthetics that led me to sneak off to the Barclays Center to buy a trio of Backstreet Boys tickets while the girls were in Hebrew school?

I didn’t tell them about the tickets for several months, but ultimately I worried that surprising them on the day of the concert would pressure them to evince unnatural levels of appreciation for their loving father’s amazing gesture, so about two weeks before the show, I gave them a heads up. 

Another chronic difficulty I have is ordering food from people whose first language is not English. I don’t think it makes me Steve King to cling to the generalization that they never take me seriously when I say I want it spicy. So on the day of the concert I ordered Thai food and asked them to make it “extra, extra, extra spicy please.” In retrospect that was at least one “extra” too many. But by the time we had dinner before the show, I forgot about lunch and slathered everything I ate with hot sauce, which I believe contributed to my need of a bathroom that undermined my plan to arrive at the Barclays Center by 7:30 so we could get through the security line before the show started at 8.

I had looked up the setlists from Chicago and Detroit and noted that they opened the show with a song called “Everyone”, which I thought was the one where they’re like “Everybaaaah-day! Rock your baaaah-day!”, which in my self-conferred Masters in Backstreetology seemed like the only appropriate opener so I really, really didn’t want the girls to miss it, which brought on a sustained castigation of why I prioritized capsaicin over keeping promises I’d silently (and inaccurately) made to my children. 

We got into the arena at about 8:12 and, hearing noise emanating from the stage, rushed up several flights of stairs to our seats. That’s when we learned that there was an opening act named Baylee Littrell (it wasn’t until the next morning that I learned he was Brian Littrell’s 16 year-old son). What we caught of his set assuaged whatever guilt I felt about what we missed, but I did appreciate that he played with actual bass, guitar and drums (plus keyboards, horns and back-up vocals that could not be seen onstage). We looked him up on Spotify to see how many plays his songs had gotten and determined that the one with more than 300,000 would be the closer. Do you know how many great bands would harm the elderly for 30,000 plays??? Fruit & Flowers only have two songs over 20k. Look ‘em up, they rule. Anyway, we were right. It was a song called Boxes and apparently the girl Baylee loves checks off all 22 of them. 

I have shadowy memories of watching the Backstreet Boys’ debut on Saturday Night Live with this perfectly synced dance involving chairs that they may or may not have stacked at one point during their number. At the time I was appalled by them, but proud of myself for being sophisticated enough to label their performance Fosse-esque. Harboring the incorrect assumptions that “Everyone” was the song I thought it was, and that their act had not evolved in the 20 years since I saw them on SNL, I tried to share in the excitement of the folks around me. Our neighbors were a very attractive young man and woman who kept apologizing when they passed us to get to the aisle. I tried not to eavesdrop but I did hear the young man extol his therapist to his friend (somehow it was clear they weren’t a couple). Just before the show started the young woman asked if I was the fan bringing my kids along or vice versa. I said it was mainly the kids but I was stoked too. She said that she and her friend had caught the band in Vegas and it was so amazing that they had to go again in Brooklyn and don’t mind her when she sang along to every lyric, even the new ones. Our conversation ended abruptly when the lights went down and she joined the collective “WHOO!” volleying stageward. 

As though in response, the stage started to open with almost unbearable slowness, suspense mounting as aperture expanded to maw, and I realized that I am unable to experience a reveal like that without hearkening back to one of the earliest and most vivid aural memories I have- the hinges creaking at the beginning of the Monster Mash. On angled video screens, band members appeared, one by one, in slow motion. The way they fingered their hat brim or rolled their shoulders made me laugh very hard. My neighbor to my left nodded approvingly, the kids to my right briefly emancipated themselves. Finally the tectonic shifting ended and there, on a platform so receded that I thought they should be called the Backstage Boys, were five guys who had been crushing it for 26 fucking years.

My neighbor said, “They can’t really dance anymore but they can still sing!”

“Everyone” is not the song I thought it was.

The first concert our kids ever attended was Los Lobos in Prospect Park. Our younger daughter was 10 months old and happy anywhere that had popsicles. Our older daughter was nearly 3 and for months she would ask to hear more Los Lobos. I don’t think she recognized anything from the concert, she just wanted to be reminded of the special experience of live, loud music and how happy it made the people around her (including her dad), and our living room stereo system was the best portal for that. Los Lobos’ most popular non-fucking-La Bamba-song is Cancion del Mariachi, coming in at 15,898,494 plays. Nothing else cracks a million. 

This was their first time seeing a bigtime pop act, and though they only knew about 5 of the 30 songs performed, they were rapt for the entire show. Except when the band talked to the audience, which they did in a sort of schematic where every member got his five-minute lovefest with the audience while the other guys changed outfits. They were all some variation on how much love they felt in the room (it was pretty palpable), how much gratitude they felt to the fans for the longevity of their career, and how pleased they were to be Number 1 yet again. Oh and that music was important too. I don’t mean to demean their commitment to music. All five of them can sing quite well, they harmonize together beautifully (even though I’m pretty sure vocal enhancements were employed without remorse) and you can’t sing the same song over and over again for more than 20 years without losing it unless the song is half-decent. But without getting too grumpy about it, I neither could nor wanted to suppress a flare of anger that so many serious musicians are poor while these cutie pies are all multi-millionaires. I don’t know what the ultimate size of the music market is, and it was hardly revelatory to note that these guys’ share was not in line with the quality of their musical production, but I felt like I had to take my own tiny stand, to stand up for musicians less slickly managed, artists less adept at navigating A&R social hierarchies, bands whose universality is not predicated on cultural touchstones manufactured by MTV. Obviously, nobody buys a concert ticket in the hope that they’ll get scolded at the show. Another thing people try to avoid at concerts is taking a dump. And so more acutely than ever, my self-righteousness was supplanted by regret for that extra extra.

I thought about asking my neighbors to watch the kids, and even to make the joke “And don’t let them vape!” but opted not to because I didn’t want to suggest that I had a problem with their vaping (such is my social density that I tuned out all of their apologia and was so grateful for their friendliness that I just wanted them to like me, never realizing that maybe, just maybe they might really want me to like them too). So I just told the kids to stay put and made my way to the can. And I daresay BSB fans are as nice in private as they are out in the arena. I base this conjecture on my bathroom experience where, unlike most concerts I attend, I was able to tend to my digestive needs without feeling like I had to contort myself to avoid somebody else’s excrement. It shouldn’t be surprising that more banal music begets more polite behavior, hell even Plato cautioned against exposing certain segments of society to more inflammatory musical scales. But maybe all that bougie antisepticism is just proof of how truly un-punk Mr. Stand-Taker really is.

Returned to the seats where the kids looked sleepy. I told them they shouldn’t feel any pressure to stay for the whole show, which looked like it was going to end after 11. They looked at me like I’d just told them I was donating their college fund to Trump 2020. 

One of them said, “Just because we’re not dancing and screaming doesn’t mean we aren’t having an amazing time, Dad.”

OK then.

So that song I got confused about is actually called “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back).” I pretended like I knew that the whole time and was pretty sure I got away with it. Then one of the girls said, “I thought you said they opened with this song.” And with no remorse whatsoever I said, “Yeah, that was in Florida.” Why I needed them to think I knew what I was talking about is almost a less interesting question than why I also lied about what states preceded New York on the DNA Worldwide Tour. 

There were more costume changes, more banter with adoring fans, more grinding reconfiguration of the stage, more neon mike stands shifting color in unison, something that probably seemed high tech in 1999, and more hits, at least four up-tempo numbers before they went into their big treacly ballad about which way they want it, which nobody can convince me isn’t about the supposed horrors of anal sex. Our neighbors checked and sure enough, both kids knew every word. A singalong ensued. Then I encouraged departure but the kids insisted on staying in case there was more. There was more. 

In fact, all five guys came out for what I guess was an encore wearing Nets jerseys. Knowing what a rabid Nets fan I am, both kids felt vindicated for insisting we stick around. And then they actually knew the second, and final song of the evening and were so exhilarated by the whole thing that they wanted to walk all the way home. But it was 11:15 and I’d been up since 4:30 and I was not above projecting my fatigue onto them so we took the subway one stop. We had gotten out quickly enough that the train was not packed with other BSBers or whatever their fans are called. And again, if we strip away the petty concern of my daughters’ happiness, was I glad we went to a Backstreet Boys Concert? Well, one kid said “That would have been awesome even if the band didn’t sing any songs. The lights were just so great!” So cool. I just spent the better part of a week’s pay on the magic of strobes that kept me up way past my bedtime. And two very happy daughters. And very pleasant interactions with attractive strangers. And a few moments of infectious beats and melodies. And the nicest shit I’ve ever taken at a concert. Would I do it again, even with smarter lunch ordering? Without hesitation.

By the way, this was written while listening to Face Stabber, the newest Thee Oh Sees album. It’s fucking awesome. They’re playing a club in a few weeks than can hold about 800 people.

[almaasi]

reaction post typed while watching SPN 14x03 “The Scar”

i.e. me enjoying Dean’s freckly arms, the amount Dean and Cas say each other’s names, and Claire’s confirmed queerness

02:53pm

looking forward to some dean/cas head massaging i guess???????

-

02:55

i suppose the “it’s not just michael we’re talking about / it’s dean” script served the purpose of being a recap soundbite

but it did sound out of character at the time

-

02:57

OH MY GOD DEAN’S FIXATED ON SAM’S BEARD

WHAT A (TRAUMATISED) DORK JUST TRYING TO FIND NORMAL THINGS

poor bean

-

02:58

soooooooooooo.. they drove dean back to the bunker, and he clearly spent a moment having a shower and redoing his hair WITH GEL AND HAIRSPRAY

AND THEN HE PUT THE MICHAEL CLOTHES BACK ON???

edit: okay no IT’S EVEN WEIRDER. HE DIDN’T TAKE A SHOWER YET BUT HIS HAIR MAGICALLY GELLED ITSELF INTO DEAN-HAIR

-

03:00

them hearteyes !!!!!!!!!!!!!1

AND THE FUCKING VIOLINS PLAYING IN THE BACKGOUND

SOMEONE TELL ME THAT AIN’T A ROMANTIC VIOLIN NOISE

the violins were kind of soft and tense when jack came out but only started the romantic swoop when cas came out

-

03:04

could’ve done with a hug right there

WHERE’S THE HUG

I DEMAND A SOFT, TIGHT HUG WITH CLOSED EYES

-

03:06

i miss the handprint

also jensen has REALLY nice arms

so many beautiful freckles ;~;

also i was thinking, dean ends up with waaaaay more physical scars and injuries that just about anyone on this show. the handprint, the mark of cain, this thing. and i guess it’s kind of a metaphor for how damaged and scarred he is inside, emotionally.  people and creatures leave their mark on him, stake their claim, and he’s been used and abused a lot over his lifetime..

certainly more than sam

he always belongs to others, and lives to love and care for others (like baby sammy), never for himself

and funnily enough this makes me miss charlie more than anyone. because she was the one who helped dean be dean, and take time for himself, and come out of that goddamn spiked cocoon of emotional damage

one thing i rEALLY REALLY want this season is dean connecting with AU!charlie the way he did with original!charlie. >:{

he needs a charlie

-

03:15

and gorgeous hands too ;A:

i think delicate man hands are my favourite kind

you can TELL he’s a guitar player, his hands are artist’s hands

i hope he writes his own songs and sings them to his children and misha

and i hope one day he’ll release an album of original songs

ugh

ughgugguuhuh

-

03:17

i can’t believe half of the interaction between dean and cas goes like this:

cas: isfsjdkfdjcjdf dean sdkgfdkfgkjfgjfdk

dean: jashfsgjfj cas jdfjdjghjgjgh

cas: dean...

dean: cas! c’mon

they just........say each other’s names??? and that’s the whole conversation??? and they can change each other’s minds like saying their name is a whole argument????

i swear to fucking god i could write a fic where literally the ONLY thing dean and cas do together is say each other’s names with different inflections and tilt their heads and make pouty faces or frown or gulp or touch each other’s arms or breathe in certain ways, and by the end of it they’re kissing and it’s not even out of character

i know there’s a bunch of you who just nodded and you’re gonna message me to write that aren’t you

-

0323

omg dean’s little bumpadabump on the table

“hit me”

-

03:24

i wonder if that sword was an ACTUAL michael sword

or the wielder was a creature from kaia’s nightmare universe

-

03:26

oh yes i was right, it was one of those au creatures

OOH DO WE GET TO SAVE KAIA NOW

and have her and claire smooch please (and be a destiel parallel)

-

03:29

WHO IS SHE

CAN SHE BE A REGULAR WHO DOESN’t DIE PLEASE

okay yeah i’m definitely noticing a tiny trend this season of more women and people of colour

-

03:21

AW MAN

i don’t want MORE reasons why cas can’t go too

but hey at least they’re giving him actual important things to do in the meantime, rather than him just disappearing without explaination

-

03:34

the smile on dean’s face when he sees jody!!!!!!

also i thought there was a goat in the background of this scene but nope it’s just out lamb astra calling for someone to give her some milk already

-

03:35

sam’s sassy smile when he looks at dean

JODY LIKES HIS BEARD

i actually like it too tbh. the fact i don’t notice it unless someone points it out means it suits him

-

03:41

aaaah good they remembered sam’s obsession with serial killers

-

03:43

i love that this episode seems to be making full use of the bunker’s interesting rooms, plus the people who live in it and their interests

-

03:46

OHSAJHRFDJESUS CHRIST THAT MADE ME JUMP

MY CAT JUST CAME IN TO SEE IF i‘M OKAY

i wanna say that was great directing but i feel like a specific “it’s just a memory.... NOPE IT’S RIGHT NOW” shot would’ve come directly from the script

so kudos to berens for that

but also robert singer too for pulling it off

wow

-

03:51

YEEE THEY FOUND KAIA

god i want a dress like that

-

03:53

woman whose name i wish i knew (jules?): “sage, pyrite, and sheep’s eye? we got that here?”

cas: “yes.. storage room, red cabinet, bottom drawer. it’s marked... gross stuff”

three guesses who made that label

also regarding the pyrite - they must go through a lot of cyrstals doing these spells. i wonder if they have to do trips to the local crystal shops or if they buy wholesale

and who did the original buying? imagine dean and cas visiting the shop and dean being like “ooh shiny” and cas being like “dean that’s literally glass”. and dean sniffing ALL the intense. and then frowning at how expensive crystals are, then taking them all home and unwrapping them and spending an hour labelling them all

-

03:56

lauren/laura? [about cas]: “is that your dad?”

jack: “one of them, yes”

now i want an au where jack is in school and everyone assumes his parents are a gay couple but actually they’re just team free will who unanimously adopted him

but spoilers, dean and cas become a couple after repeated hints from other people and visiting the parent-teacher evening together and having everyone assume things so they just roll with it, and it not even feeling weird by the end of the night

maaaaan i wish i was less exhausted all the time so i could just write everything immediately and every day

-

04:00

oh shoot i’m not even halfway through this yet

really enjoying it btw

-

04:02

the necklace is probably cursed

-

04:06

jody: “anything connected to kaia and she’s a powder keg. first love strikes quick, and to lose it like that?”

DREAMHUNTER CONFIRMED

DESTIEL PARALLEL CONFIRMED

GAY CONFIRMED

NEEDS MORE GAY and more destiel parallel

but fuckigng g YES i love this 12/10 what this show needed AND WHAT WE WANTED IN WAYWARD DAUGHTERS goddammit

-

04:14

don’t they take jewellery and other effects off the bodies when they put them in the morgue?

also called it, the cursed necklace

(undoubtedly written so the audience guesses it first)

-

04:20

she just................j umped out th  fuck ing win dow

but of course she’s gonna go get her spear

-

04:25

proud momma bird

-

04:03

oh no jack.....................

:/

-

04:30pm

IT’S OVER THAT WAS GREAT

so happy to see kaia’s face gain, i really hope actual kaia can be saved somehow?? idk if that’s possible given that she Properly Died

but cas doing stuff, even if that stuff is being proud of jack

TWO WOMEN OF COLOUR WHO DIDN’T DIE YEE (is this a first? because even with missouri and patience, missouri died. and with alicia and her mother, her mother died. kaia may already be dead but her face isn’t) (would be BETTER if they interacted too but heck i’ll take it)

it was also really nice to see dean again

and his freckly arms

and cas doing the hearteyes

but BY FAR THE GREATEST THING IS CLAIRE/KAIA BEING CONFIRMED ROMANTIC 

WE ALL KNEW IT, BUT CONFIRMATION !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HELL YES

10/10 episode, i am thoroughly content

[jinwoowoohoo]

@cha-eunwoow and @sanhatation hit me with that x2 tag combo (💖💕💞) I was gonna put them both in this post but it.... got very long... so I will split them up after all 😅

First up is a Kpop one from lovely Liv (hey girl I hope things are going better for you!!)

To anyone who genuinely reads through all of this bless your heart and ily

1) 5 favorite groups?

f(x), ASTRO, SHINee, Day6, Dreamcatcher

2) Top 5 on your bias list? (no particular order)

Lol I just did this, so: Amber, Jinjin, Onew, S.coups, Wonpil (though if we can double from groups my girl Luna would 100% be here)

3) Ult Bias group and why you love them?

f(x) - they were my first group and will forever be my ults. I just love how unique they are both as a group and each member individually! Every member shines so much in their own way and can absolutely stand as artists in their own right (and have been proving so with their solo projects the past 2+ years), and when they come together they create things that are so cool and beautiful and unique 💜 Honest to god after I sat down and listened to their whole discography on Spotify for the first time, I listened to nothing but them 8+ hrs a day, 7 days a week for almost a month I was so in love (i'm not exaggerating you can ask my roommate aldbaj) (SM please let us have f(4) again I would literally cry). That being said I also consider ASTRO and SHINee to be ults, and could write whole paragraphs for them as well 💕 

(but y’all please support my girls, Victoria put out a Chinese single and should be following with an album, Amber’s halfway through releasing videos for her mixtape & Luna is releasing 2 digital singles this coming week! Krystal has no musical projects atm but you can check out her dramas and modeling~)

4) Ult Bias and why you love them?

My kpop origin story revolves around me coming across the Electric Shock mv in 2013 and being both in love with and absolutely floored by Amber. A girl? In a girl idol group? With short hair?? Who presents in a masculine way?? I couldn’t believe it was something the companies would let happen and it was so. I don't even know. But I knew it was really meaningful and important to me. 3 years later I actually fully listen to the group (honestly thank got I needed new music to listen to at work) and I finally learned her name - Amber Liu. I'm someone who id's as nonbinary, and I've really struggled with my perceived femininity my whole life - its something I'm still working through. When I saw Amber, a person working in a very gender stereotype-heavy industry and culture, being able to present in the way she's comfortable and standing up for the rights of others to do the same, it just really touched me on a deep personal level. Even though I know she id's as cishet she still has done a lot for those of us that don't, and I'm sooo insanely proud of her for sticking to her guns and choosing to live her truth through all of the hell people have given and continue to give her for it. Not only has she stuck it to the haters by prospering, but she's taken her experiences and her talents and made them into absolutely beautiful works of art. 

She uses her music to express her feelings and talk about her struggles, and the fact that her work is so personal and has so much of her in it also means a lot to me (please listen to Borders, Need to Feel Needed, Beautiful, Heights, and this cover of One More Light NOTE: if self harm is a bad topic for you, maybe skip One More Light and the Borders mv (the song is fine and ultimately uplifting, and the mv does end happily). She has worked so. damn. hard. to pursue her dreams and passions, often having to rely on just herself and her friends to work when SM just straight up refuses to do their JOB as her MANAGEMENT COMPANY, and somehow she keeps doing it with that beautiful smile.

Aside from all the gooshy stuff, she’s just really goofy and fun (and attractive >>) AND she was born just 2 months before me so I feel there’s a connection (also my parents considered naming me Amber and she considered my name as a stage name??? #starcrossedlovers). Finally she has literally the cutest dog in the world please look at this picture and cry with me

5) Favorite Kpop Meme

lmaooo now that I’ve poured my heart out over Amber, lets look at the human meme that is Lee Taemin (i just picked one but my favorite meme is just. him.)

And a special shoutout to all of the rest of the SHINee memes, like I thought about linking just one but there are so many legendary classics how do you choose (I got to experience the burnt Gucci story in person though so a super special shoutout to that one)

6) Favorite pic of your ult? (I dare you to only pick one)

I’ll do both my ults since this is my Astro blog but I’ve only talked about f(x) so far ;;;;;

For Amber, this picture has been my phone background for well over a year now so I guess this one?? It’s from the song festival when she and Ksuke debuted Breathe Again (many months before it’s official release) and she was just feeling herself so much during the performance (credit for the pic most likely goes to her fansite Ambossing)

As for Jinwoo adljasdfs I only have like 100 pics of him just on my phone this is fine I’m gonna pick this one, bc when he posted it I loved it so much I came very close to literally printing it out and framing it...... he just looks so happy!! And he’s being his most natural self, no hair/makeup, out with his family, doing something he loves. It just Warms My Heart

7)  Favorite Kpop MVs

Ok this is a whole can of worms, so I’ll try to limit it to just 10 I quite like?? (in no specific order)

1) Astro - Baby 2) VIXX - Error 3) Seventeen - Lilili Yabbay 4) SHINee - Boys Meet U 5) EXID - DDD 6) KNK - Rain (performance ver) 7) Oh My Girl - Closer  8) f(x) - Electric Shock 9) Crayon Pop - FM 10) Taemin - Saynoara Hitori (I know it was a Japanese release but ssssh I’m counting it WAIT HECK i just realized Boys Meet U was a Japanese release too asdlfjasf welp) 

Also shoutout to this cover Dreamcatcher did of Maroon 5′s Lucky Strike

9) Favorite Kpop crack video?

I don’t have a single specific one, there are so many quality compilations (I have watched a surprising number of Seventeen as Vines videos though lmao) 

10) Favorite content creator(s) within the fandom?

All Aroha are super talented ok, If I listed everyone that came to mind we’d be here for longer than anyone needs to be....

11) What fandoms would you say you’re an active member of?

the only fandom I’m fully in that’s  been active in Korea the past year is Astro :’) But that’s well enough, I really do love this community!

12) Take your top 3 biases- fmk

omg no why

F-Jinjin asldfjasdf

M-Amber

K- Onew..... no this is wrong :< I’m changing the k from kill to kiss ok? ok.

13) If you could be best friends with any idol, who would you choose?

Honestly probably Luna - she is one of the single most uplifting people in the world and she’s always ready for a good time! Queen of self love!

14) If you could date any idol, who?

I would never want to date an idol unless they were no longer/never an idol - trying to date around the antis and media would just be way too stressful on its own, plus the idol would be so busy all the time you’d barely get to see each other anyway

15) What’s one Kpop album you think everyone should have listened to?

SHINee - Married to the Music

16) Are you a soft or a hard stan?

yes (depends on the idol)

17) An idol that makes you go into soft mode?

Yoon Sanha, my soft noodle, my potato son

18) An idol that makes you want to smash the empire state building with one single punch?

@ Park Jaehyung meet me behind the Taco Bell at midnight

19) Favorite vocalist?

MJ/Luna/Onew

20) Favorite Rapper?

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately and I’m honestly not sure??? Some contenders are Rocky and LE though

21) Favorite dancer?

sdflajsfadsf why must you hurt me in this way I’ll say Taemin because he really puts a lot of thought and self into his dance, and he’s actively trying to create change in the way the industry thinks about gender and dance

22) Things you have in common with your ult?

I think I pretty much touched on all that with Amber, so for Jinjin we both love dogs and like the drums, we can be quick to smile, we try to lead in an understanding/accommodating way rather than a total authoritarian way, we do That Face™ when someone is pushing our buttons lol

23) The most beautiful trait any idol can have?

Kindness and an open mind

24) Songs that will always make you jam along?

how....long do you want to be here adsflj I will say the song that gets me jamming the MOST at work is N.Flying - Hot Potato

25) Your worst wrecker?

I’m here today to talk to you about a dangerously beautiful man named Kim Myungjun

26) Any kpop concerts you’ve been to?

I saw SHINee in Dallas with my bff in 2017, then I went to Astro in DC all by my lonesome this past February! (so I just need to see f(x) and I’ll have gone to all 3 ult groups) Also fun fact my good friend @jinjins-freckles was also at those two concerts, but we didn’t know each other yet for the SHINee one - funny how things work out~

27) Favorite choreo?

THIS. THIS IS THE HARDEST QUESTION. I CAN’T. IMPOSSIBLE. I’m not even gonna try and list some.... theres.... too many;;;;

28) Favorite live performance?

ok look first of all, you come into MY house, and ask me to pick ONE performance adslfj I’ll say SHINee’s Woof Woof bc I was absolutely obsessed with it after I discovered it, its just so fun and goofy but also bops hard as heck??? Legends Only

29) Favorite debut mv?

Hide & Seek cleared my skin watered my crops and gave me a lil smooch on the forehead

30) Recommend a rookie group

Dreamcatcher!!! They’re having a comeback in May please support our goth goddesses

31.) A kpop song you could listen to every day for the rest of your life?

Astro - Puss n Boots

32) Tag some cute mutuals you’d like to get to know better (and to do this challenge)!

Since she’s tagged me a few times lately I’ll tag @myunghjun (and that’s it asdlj if you read all the way to the end consider yourself tagged too ok ily)

[horanggae]

hi my dear aera! (=^･ｪ･^=)

wow, your major is so cool! what made you decide studying psych sci? aww, yes it was!!<3 a fun fact about me is that my grandparents also have their birthdays on july a few days before and after mine so that’s why we celebrate all together! yes, they mainly serve breakfast dishes (everything related with eggs and bacon) and they’re mainly famous because of their pancakes!! but every time I go there I usually order chicken tenders or burgers because I’m not so keen to eating scramble eggs outside home (i hope this doesn’t sound too weird). oh, may I know when its your birthday? is it soon? I kinda feel your birthday was on spring because you give me warm vibes.

oh really? that sounds so easy, i really thought it was something more complicated (*μ_μ) thanks for the help!! you’re pisces!! (i just googled the dates between this sign and you might be a baby born in spring or late winter!!). I’m glad you don’t know who am I yeeet! (I swear I have pressed the damn follow button around three times already?? instead of your inbox, i’m really clumsy (＞﹏＜) oh, and are you good with handling alcohol? actually I don’t drink any type of alcohol, I only have tasted strawberry soju (it was really good but definitely burned up my throat) and radler’s! (germany’s lemon beer, and it is really good).

I do count this asks as convos! that’s so nice to read!! (I really try to always send you nice asks so I’m really happy that you get to experience some of my feelings and emotions) no way aera!, but I consider you such a good english speaker? I really thought you were from north america or europe because of your way of writing and the use of some words I have never read before! May I ask when did u became so good with english? I bet you’re really good with your mother tongue! thanks for the recommendations! I’ll try to write some drabbles this last vacation days!

oh it’s really cool to read your type of sleeping! for me once I lay down I completely die and wake up until the very next day, so I’m a heavy sleeper (alarms never work for me unless I have something pretty important like an exam or a vacation trip, and when I’m really worried about something).

oh! me too<3 on real life (well not real? just in person lol) I really tend to talk a lot so I’m glad I’m not overwhelming you with all of my questions and writing! thank u for the nice wishes, obviously I wish you to stay safe as well ^^ oh so you’re also fully protected now! did u get any side effects after the two shoots? I couldn’t move my arm for the whole day haha. oh my I have never thought about living the y/n lifestyle?? maybe I am??

this is already so long and I haven’t answered your questions, i’m deeply sorry!

oh I would totally love to see you become part of the performance unit!! and also if you really get to marry hao can I go to your wedding? (･ω<)☆  shipping expenses are really the worst way of spending money (｡╯︵╰｡)

time to reply back!!

what’s in the ihop menu & your favorite item on it? – somehow I already replied to this question at the beginning! ^^ but it is chicken tenders with dip of honey mustard!

astro sign? – i’m leo!

do you like alcohol? if yes, what type and/or brand! – haha, again I already talked about this! I don’t dislike it but I’m also not the greatest fan? and the only one I like drinking is any brand of radler beer! (I don’t have so much experience with alcohol) a small fact: I started to drink alcohol only two years ago when I was studying abroad!

which unit would you like to join? – vocal unit!! I would love to be part of the creating process of writing a song and also would love to learn how to sing (I don’t know how to sing but I would love to learn from any of the members!! specially dk’s!!)

kiss, date, marry: hoshi, jun & dino!! – i see what you have done here      ♡( ◡‿◡ ) i would kiss dino, date hoshi and marry jun. (I think of dino as someone to take care of, for hoshi I think it would be kinda overwhelming because he deserves a lot and also is kinda highly demanding? and for jun, he’s my type! tall, funny, smart and caring<3.)

your fave album? – teen age or you make my dawn! both albums have some of my all time favorite tracks also the special units on teen age are something worth repeating!!

your current stash of svt goods or maybe are you starting collect rn? – I happen to also pay a lot on shipping and I also recently started to like svt, so far I have bought some albums along with my sister who’s also a big fan (we have one of each of this albums: semicolon, director’s cut, an ode, henggarae and for your choice we bought the three versions!) I think I’m only missing their first ver. of lightstick because its the prettiest lightstick I have ever seen! (also my bank account suffers every time I buy something (╥_╥).

how is it working at your sister’s cafe? (any out of the ordinary happening (✷‿✷) – it’s really great! i love spending time there and I also love to work with coffee! I also enjoy preparing food (we sell salads and sandwiches). I think asia’s cafe’s are something from another world? they are so pretty and have such a wide variety of drinking options! i really enjoy bubble tea drinks! do u like milk tea with boba?

this is really long, please take all the time you need to reply and don’t feel obligated to answer all of it (I just wanted to share all my thoughts with you)!! I hope you’re having a great week, wishing you a lot of health and happiness, also a lot of luck with your college homework! (≧◡≦) ♡

–f🐯❤️

hello f🐯❤️ how are you doing!

IHOP sounds like a nice place to chill before classes and probably late into the night... Naw it doesn't weird though, it's your preference! I don't eat prawns outside of home either, I just find it icky(?). You're right!!!! I'm a spring march baby! I swear I never receive notifications from you at all? Only recently the one I saw was tmttxt (?) but I think they changed their username so I can't find out now when I tried searching for them again. (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)

I've always wanted to learn and understand the human mind more when I was in high school but my grades didn't allow me to pursue psychology in college (in my country you'll have to be the top percentile to get into courses like psych) so I ended up diverging from what I want, to something that piqued my interest as a child, which was design. Loved it as a pastime and as a getaway but I couldn't churn anything out for assignments. I decided to just follow what I really wanted in uni since I was still set on studying psych even after meeting with a college guide + I had a window of opportunity and now here I am as a year 1! ( ꈍᴗꈍ)

I enjoy alcohol but my tolerance level isn't high :-( so I usually drink with caution unless I'm with the people I trust! I prefer cider more though bc of the crisp and light taste! Talking to you feels like a writing to a penpal; we are living our own respective lives, but we make time for each other to write back!!! I enjoy talking to you sm like there isn't any pressure to immediately reply back and it's really like receiving a letter but in asks form!! ❤️❤️❤️

English is my first language, but i kinda winged it the entire time when I was younger! I learned a lot of English words from reading; I was an avid reader until I was 17 when I started using smartphones, my reading habit disappeared. But when it comes to grammar and sentence structure, embarrassingly, I'm extremely bad at it. (´ . .̫ . `) my vocabulary is pretty strong bc of the books I've read over the years! I just started picking up reading again and have just finished the miracles of namiya general store & the seventh day, both recommended by wonwoo! I'm so happy I managed to read a little everyday and still retaining the same eagerness and anticipation (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)

Do link me your drabbles if you ever do write, I'd love to read your works!!! ( ◜‿◝ )♡ aw man i wish I was a heavy sleeper like before ㅠ ㅠ feels like growing older made me a light sleeper. The first was worst in terms of soreness, the second was mild— felt like they didn't administer the vaccine at all ahskskdlflr but I did felt a little feverish during the night but everything is fine! How about you, are you feeling better now?? If I ever get married to hao that is (≧ ᴗ ≦) but I'd love for hao to just be a friend who I can speak freely to under the stars hehe.

I realised I haven't asked about your major, also why did you pick that major?

I hope you're doing well in the cafe! Damn, makes me wanna work in a cafe too... There's vacancy at my uni's Starbucks but it's too far of a commute for me to consider </3 ㅠ ㅠI hope interesting things happen at the cafe so that it spice up your vacation break hehe.

[thevampsupdate]

The Vamps for 1883 Magazine

Are you aware of chart-topping sensations, The Vamps? With two albums already under their belts and multiple singles soaring through the top 40 charts worldwide, it’s safe to say these boys have earned their success.

Two years on from their last album release, the band have returned with a number one album Night and Day, smoothly dethroning Mr Sheeran to snatch pole position in the process.

I know what many of you oblivious to the band must be thinking, (unless you are one of the many enthusiastic Vampettes’ out there). These guys look like a knock off “One D”, or maybe even The Wanted. Yet, these lads aren’t just another cliché pop group following the boy band road to stardom. They, unlike many, write and co-write their own music. In my eyes this proves their musical ability is beyond just hitting the right notes. James, aged just seventeen at the time, approached other members, finding one another through their respected YouTube channels.

Ahead of dashing off to Camden for an MTV interview, we managed to nab some time with the fresh-faced group amidst their world tour, for which Brazil beckons next in the schedule, just a few days away.

Their now daily routine of performing to thousands around the world — with female teens being a familiar sight amongst the crowds — was completely out of their minds as the boys joked around, relaxing into the shoot at the Chapel of St Barnabas House in Soho; an unlikely location for the group, however the stained-glass windows make a damn good back drop.

You guys are in the middle of your world tour. How’s it been so far?

James: This venues’ been a bit dead … (the boys snigger in agreement) Actually, a week today we fly to Brazil. We did the UK and Europe in April, May and June. We’ve been in some summer shows but The Vamps tour has mostly been put on hold for a couple of months, but we start again on Monday. I think we’ve probably forgotten all the songs so we might need to have a little recap before we go… but yeah, it’s been going really well thanks.

You said you’re off to Brazil next, which country is your all round favourite to perform in?

Bradley: Australia’s really nice, our days off are really great in Australia. Tristan: Canada’s good, really fun. Connor: Norway? James: I think everywhere’s really good!

Is there a country that stands out as having the best crowd?

Bradley: The Philippines and Brazil, those are the two ones that are crazy. 

James: India was quite good as well.

Congratulations on your new album Night and Day reaching Number 1! You pushed Ed Sheeran off the top spot too, that’s a pretty good way to get in there…

James: Thanks! Bradley: Yeah, well he was back there the week after!

The album is released in 2 parts: Night Edition and Day edition, what’s the story behind the 2-part release?

Bradley: Usually we write a big batch of songs before each album. We’ll have like forty, fifty songs and you’ve got to cut that down to a fifteen-song album. So, this way we get to release more music. There’s a concept to the night and day: “the night” is a bit more sultry and moody whereas “the day” is a more upbeat and sunny. We were originally going to release the day" part in December before realising that would be a bit weird, so we’re releasing that next summer. It will be a summer album.

This album is your first to reach Number I why do you think this?

James: This album has been the most honest and the one we’ve taken the longest time on, eighteen months as opposed to just under a year. So yeah, I think this album has had the most effort put upon it and I think that can be heard and appreciated. We did some album promotion, we did a fan rally tour, an acoustic thing where we played the whole album before it was released in its entirety. I think hopefully fans are just really excited to hear what is our favourite album. Well, hopefully it’s our best album!

You guys all write and co-write all of your music, do you guys think that this is something that makes you stand out against other boy bands?

Bradley: Maybe. I think there’s a lot of songwriters in the industry and a lot of them go unnoticed. The ability to write a good song is the important thing. We try to pride ourselves on songwriting and that’s what we’ve done from day one. Hopefully we’ll just continue to get better and better.

Did you write your own music when you were younger?

James: Yeah, we were all in bands before The Vamps. I think Tristan was the youngest starting, but we were all in bands sort of from ages eleven, twelve. I think throughout that time we developed the song writing side of things, We started off playing a few chords and then we got more into watching bands on TV and seeing bands live and realised that song writing was really important for us. It’s what we’ve done for the last ten to fifteen years. 

The Vamps were formed through YouTube. How did this happen?

Bradley: We were all kind of doing own thing and then James found me on YouTube and we met up and went to my house for the weekend. We started writing some songs and it was the first thing we kind of bonded over. I’d never co-wrote with anyone before and James was the first person I connected with on a songwriting level. So that’s when we knew we’d found something quite cool, quite special. Then we found Tristan on YouTube and saw him when he was doing a drumming competition, we formed the band, got signed and then we found Connor a couple of months later again through YouTube. It all just kind came together from there.

How has your music changed from the beginning?

Bradley: As a band we have always wanted to challenge ourselves. It’s interesting to see popular music, popular culture and how we can approach it, put our stamp on it and make it sound ‘Vampsie’. So there are always challenges, taking new, exciting things and putting our twist on them. That’s what we’ve tried to do with each album. Hopefully that’s why this album is the best because it feels so authentic but also very current.

What’s part of ‘band life’ do you enjoy the most? Being in the studio, touring, stage life…?

James: Studio Bradley: We’re all a bit different James: We go through cycles, well not so much anymore. Certainly, at the start we spent a lot more time making the first album rather than touring, but now it all kind of happens all at once. There is a feeling now that after we’ve finished the tour and we’ve been writing for four months we want to get back out on the road again. The nice thing about the industry and the technology now is that we can make music whilst we’re touring, so we never get bored of doing one thing, it’s nice to do it all at the same time. Yet there’s something nice about being in the studio and seeing how a song develops, through to it becoming a single.

How do you guys stay entertained whilst on tour?

Bradley: We’re building up to the shows on show days and then days off we make sure we’ve got cool stuff planned. Sometimes we’ll hire a boat. James: Like when we went fishing and didn’t catch a single fish … Bradley: Little things like that keeps things interesting.

I hear you guys also have your tapping ritual before stage - where you tap your chins.

Bradley: Yeah, it’s a bit weird. Who came up with that? Tristan: Well we couldn’t do the hands in (eeeh lets go’ sort of thing, so not sure how but we somehow came up with that instead.

You recently presented the 47 show for Radio 1 at V fest, how was Presenting for a change?

James: It was really good but we actually had a lot of technical issues so we had to hold our mic packs in the air as we spoke throughout the whole thing, but it was really cool! It was also chucking it down with rain It was nice to see it from that point of view because we always see people go around festivals with mics interviewing people. We interviewed James Arthur and Ella Eyre and just had fun for three hours basically!

Do you hang around at festivals after you’ve played? Who have you enjoyed the most?

Tristan: I saw Pink the other day she was cool. Usually artists get access to go on stage whenever they want to so in India we went up to see Jay Z and then Coldplay were playing after. We were playing before those two acts so we just stayed on after which was pretty cool.

What are your favourite festivals to play at?

Bradley: V was a first for us this, that was really really cool. Isle of Wight we’ve played at a couple of times that we loved.

Do you have any particular artists you want to collaborate with?

Connor: We have loads of different ones. I’m really into James Blunts’ new album. Weirdly he was part of the writing process for one of our old songs, but we never got to meet him. His music’s sick so I personally would love to work with him. He’s done some stuff with Ed Sheeran, so it would be good to get something going like that.

So, as we come to the end of this interview we’ll finish off with your favourite sock?

All: Sock? (in unison)

Yeah

Tristan: I’m rocking the Nike’s at the moment, they’re like ankle socks cause you don’t want them too long and showing above your trainer but then you don’t want any rubbing or for them come off. What about you?

I’m just wearing some black ankle socks. I don’t want them rubbing either, but they do fall down a bit which is annoying.

Bradley: I’ve got like some peppered grey, woollen ones. They go quite high, down below it’s a seventy-year-old man look and then above is more a twelve-year-old boy. Connor: I usually just go for black but today me and James are copying each other.

The Vamps new single Personal is out now.

Interview by Miranda Bunn  Photographer: Joupin Ghamsari Grooming: Chantelle Philips Video: Logan Irvine-Macdougall Location: House of St Barnabas, Soho

[newmusickarl]

Album of the Week – Notes On A Conditional Form by The 1975

“This film is designed to delineate the fractured nature of an album, which in itself is sisyphean… which is the point” – Matty Healy on The Making of Notes On A Conditional Form

Wow – where to start with this one? It’s been two years since Manchester’s biggest pop export blew everyone’s minds with A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships, an album some likened to a modern day OK Computer due to its thematic and lyrical content. Fast forward to today, and The 1975 have now returned with their own version of Kid A, in the form of their most experimental and boundary-pushing effort to date. However, like that record was at the time, it is already proving to be quite divisive.

Notes On A Conditional Form (NOACF) is a 22 track odyssey that dives headfirst into everything weird and wonderful, unsurprisingly proving too much for some listeners. This past week, I have seen fair criticisms that the record is too long, too self-indulgent, too erratic, non-cohesive and generally a bit of a mess. I would agree that these are all fair comments to make and this is a record that is undoubtedly not for everyone. However, in the case of being meandering, uneven and straight-up provocative, I would also argue that this is part of the intention.

The album begins with Greta Thunberg’s rallying call-to-arms for immediate climate change action, before Matt Healy further emphasises her “Wake Up” message on the raw and aggressive punk track People, for me one of their boldest and best tracks to date. These two tracks were the first singles from NOACF at the back end of last year, marking a deviation from their traditional The 1975 opener that has started their last three records, and also a big departure sonically with People. Whilst these two tracks almost stand amiss from the other 20 tracks on display here, this is The 1975 informing the listener that they should expect the unexpected when it comes to their music, but more so giving insight into their mindset heading into this record – this is their punk rock moment.

Whilst the first two tracks are the only overtly punk moments (front man Matty Healy describes Greta Thunberg as “the most punk person he’s ever met”), this “don’t-give-a-f**k” attitude carries across the record strongly in terms of its direction. NOACF is The 1975 making the music they want to hear, not caring whether its to the listener’s taste or not – for one of the biggest “pop” bands in the world today, this is an incredibly ballsy move. Also, for a band that has mastered making eclectic but cohesive records in the past, why throw that methodology out the window now? Unless, going back to Matty’s quote from the Lynchian “Making of” film that I started this blog with, creating a chaotic record was entirely the point.

It has long been said that the traditional album format is dying, with people today preferring to create their own playlists on streaming sites made up of their favourite tracks. What The 1975 have constructed here is in fact a deconstruction of that traditional album format, creating a playlist-like record that sometimes jarringly jumps between musical genres that would normally have no place on the same record. From punk rock to ambient pop to UK garage to 90’s house to country to R&B to gospel to alternative indie to electronica - to pretty much everything else in between.

This theory is further cemented in the fact the album was originally titled Music For Cars, meaning this should be taken like a compilation someone would put together before a long drive. Whilst again this concept will not be to everyone’s taste and ultimately lost on some, it feels bold and for that they should be commended. Ultimately in the simplest sense, this album is just a collection of musings - lyrically, stylistically and sonically - indeed, Notes On A Conditional Form.

Despite all these abstract concepts to unwrap, the biggest takeaway from The 1975’s daring fourth record is that the music here is some of the best they have produced to date. Although the folky bliss of the Phoebe Bridgers’ featuring Jesus Christ 2005 God Bless America, the piano-driven dance groove of I Think There’s Something You Should Know, the 90’s surf rock of Me & You Together Song and the shimmering 80’s guitar pop of If You’re Too Shy (Let Me Know) stand out as highlights, there is not much that isn’t great here. I would usually be dead against an album 22 tracks and 1 hour 20 minutes in length, but each song offers a fascinating exploration into either the modern or nostalgic.

I could probably write a short novel on my interpretations of this album, but I’ll conclude by saying that I had extremely high expectations going into this record and yet somehow, they have all been exceeded. I agree this is a Marmite record that will no doubt alienate a portion of their fanbase, but The 1975 deserve credit for continuing to create cerebral, confrontational and defiant “pop” music,  when so many other artists of their status opt to play it safe. For me, at this point in the calendar, this is the album of the year.

Best tracks: People, Me & You Together Song, I Think There’s Something You Should Know

Tracks of the Week:

Horror Vacui – Banfi

The 1975 were not the only ones to drop an Album of the Year contender this week. Joe Banfi dropped his outstanding self-produced record Colour Waits In The Dark this week, which is just endlessly spectacular. Just one of the many highlights is Horror Vacui, a hauntingly ominous and atmospheric track that steadily builds into a glorious and euphoric crescendo. Mind-blowing!

All These Engagements – The Airborne Toxic Event

ATE Frontman Mikel Jollett has said that new album Hollywood Park was five years in the making. It is not surprising as this is just a perfectly crafted record from start to finish. Again, there are many highlights on this record but none more than All These Engagements. The song draws similarities to The National, as Jollett acknowledges his reluctance to settle down while everyone around him is doing exactly that. It is a patient track that suddenly sees Jollett erupt into a punky scream in the final leg – it is a welcome contrast and a truly excellent song.

Bad Kingdom – Apparat

Sascha Ring reinterprets a classic from his days collaborating with Modeselektor as Moderat. Billed as Lulu’s version, this incarnation of Bad Kingdom is built as a synth pop number, offering a refreshing new take on an already great song.

Guilty – Yonaka

Yonaka’s Don’t Wait ‘Til Tomorrow was one of my favourite albums of 2019 and on their new Stripped Back EP three songs are given the acoustic treatment. Arranged in this manner, Theresa Jarvis’ vocals soar even more than normal – goosebump-inducing!

[deadcactuswalking]

I’M UPSET - THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 2018

The popular music in America of 2018 was somehow both chaotic and dreary and monotonous as hell at the same time. Constant album bombs and additional rule changes to the charts made the Hot 100 increasingly irrelevant – as if it wasn’t already, and to be honest, I didn’t hate as much of it as I thought I would – in fact, I have since learned to appreciate what little upbeat pop gems we had this year instead of observing it as just a dark, moody year full of mindless egotistical trap-rap... which it definitely was, for the record, I mean, there’s a reason I talk about the UK Top 40 more because the US’ charts seemed a tad painful to keep up with, just going off of exhausted recounts I’ve seen on YouTube and Twitter this whole year. Am I going to preface this with anything more interesting? No, because frankly I don’t think 2018 really deserves it. Let’s just talk about some ground rules.

I am using the predicted year-end top 125 posted in the Pulse Music forum by MikesMusicReviews to determine what a “hit song of 2018” is. Songs that made it into the top 10 during the charting year (December 2017 to November 2018) count as well.

This is the worst list, and it will be posted first. Hopefully I can get the best list out soon, and the list that will count down my picks for the top 5 best and top 5 worst United Kingdom-exclusive hit songs will be out somewhere in the first quarter of the year, I imagine, but don’t expect it too soon.

If this comes out on a Sunday, REVIEWING THE CHARTS will be postponed, obviously.

Finally, this is simply my opinion and I don’t consider myself highly as a music critic. This is just a silly little hobby of mine. Nevertheless, we’re counting down...

THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 2018

DISHONOURABLE MENTIONS

Now, let’s get rid of the Dishonourable Mentions first, before getting into the real stinkers, from most bearable to least bearable:

“Pray for Me” – Kendrick Lamar featuring the Weeknd – Actual Billboard Year-End Placement: #40 – Peak: #7

Yeah, I understand why a lot of people like this, and it’s really inoffensive for the most part, but that high-pitched vocalising really gets on my nerves.

“Love Lies” – Khalid and Normani – Year-End: #19 – Peak: #9

This is the worst Khalid song I’ve heard, mostly because the melody is so monotone. I like Normani on here, but ripping off the melody from a Post Malone song that was never good in the first place isn’t exactly the first thing I’d consider for my Love, Simon soundtrack hit.

“Bad at Love” – Halsey – Year-End: #27 – Peak: #5

I’m more forgiving of Halsey than I feel I should be because this one is... confusing, I guess, would be the best word for it? Maybe it’s just her vocals – I’ve never been a fan of how they sound in the first place, and they’re definitely strained on here.

“Beautiful” (remix) – Bazzi featuring Camila Cabello – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #30

Eh. Snoop Dogg and Pharrell did it better about a decade and a half ago.

“King’s Dead” – Kendrick Lamar and Jay Rock featuring Future and James Blake – Year-End: #79 – Peak: #21

This song exists to remind us that our dream collaborations we hope of are probably always going to not live up to our expectations. I love all of these guys separately, but they’re clearly negative influences on each other when they’re in a posse cut like this. If you want a better trap song featuring James Blake, check out Travis Scott’s “STOP TRYING TO BE GOD” with Kid Cudi.

Here are a few songs I have absolutely nothing to say about:

“I’m a Mess” – Bebe Rexha – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #35

“LOVE.” – Kendrick Lamar featuring Zacari – Year-End: #50 – Peak: #11

“Bartier Cardi” – Cardi B featuring 21 Savage – Year-End: #61 – Peak: #14

Here are a few songs I’d rather just avoid commenting on altogether:

“This is America” – Childish Gambino – Year-End: #51 – Peak: #1

“FEFE” – 6ix9ine and Nicki Minaj – Year-End: #31 – Peak: #3

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming:

“No Brainer” – DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber, Quavo and Chance the Rapper – Year-End: #73 – Peak: #5

Justin Bieber saves this track, probably because he’s the only feature without some incredibly dumb lyrics.

I blow the brains out of your mind (ooh) / And I ain’t talkin’ ‘bout physically (no) / I’m talkin’ ‘bout mentally – Quavo

Oh, and Chance’s verse is probably his worst, ever, but I am concerned specifically about why this woman is trying to choose between Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance the Rapper and DJ Khaled’s two-year-old son.

“Boo’d Up” and “Trip” – Ella Mai – Year-End: #15 and #92 – Peak: #5 and #11

These are the exact same song and I have the exact same problems – Ella Mai is uninteresting, the chorus is mind-numbing and those 808s are out of place.

“Walk It Talk It” – Migos featuring Drake – Year-End: #43 – Peak: #10

I’m pretty sure this is like five minutes, and that’s not even the longest song I’ll be talking about in this list. Oh, yeah, and say hello to Drake because we’ll be seeing more of him soon.

“Never be the Same” – Camila Cabello – Year-End: #18 – Peak: #6

Really, this is only here because of that one part, but you know what part it is and it is atrocious.

“I Love It” – Kanye West and Lil Pump featuring Adele Givens – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #6

If this ends up on YANDHI then I think that’ll be the last straw with me in terms of Kanye. Yeah, all the Make America Great Again stuff is fine but if this ends up on YANDHI I am not sure if I can handle the betrayal.

“Roll in Peace” – Kodak Black featuring XXXTENTACION – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #31

You know, I actually really like this beat but Kodak sounds awful as always and X’s verse makes me want to punch a wall.

“All Girls are the Same” – Juice WRLD – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #41

Does this really count as a hit? I mean, I think it does, personally, and the predictions put this high enough, but the song doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page... not saying it deserves it at all.

“The Ringer” – Eminem – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #8

The phrase “chicken wang” is said twice on this song, and I’m afraid that’s about five times too many.

“Freaky Friday” – Lil Dicky and Chris Brown – Year-End: #55 – Peak: #8

I still absolutely despise this song and on my first draft of the list, this was actually in the top four, but I really do not care enough about Lil Dicky to rip into this. Also, Chris Brown was sentenced to jail for six months because he illegally owned a monkey, so I guess I get my justice in the end... although he probably won’t serve a day of that sentence.

“I’m Upset” – Drake – Year-End: #86 – Peak: #7

Man, Drake was so close to having four consecutive songs on this list. Yep, you just read that correctly, in fact:

#10

#10 – “In My Feelings” – Drake 

Produced by TrapMoneyBenny & Blaqnmild – from the album Scorpion – Year-End: #9 – Peak: #1 for ten weeks

#9

#9 – “Nonstop” – Drake 

Produced by Tay Keith – also from the album Scorpion – Year-End: #52 – Peak: #2

#8

#8 – “Yes Indeed” – Lil Baby featuring Drake 

Produced by Wheezy – from the album Harder than Ever – Year-End: #25 – Peak: #6

Listen, I don’t hate Drake at all. In fact, I think he’s very talented as a rapper, and he clearly has a lot of interesting musical visions, although he definitely needs someone like the Weeknd to fully realise them, because nobody was asking for a 90-minute, 25-track long double album from the dude, that landed all of his tracks on the Hot 100, meaning combining his album tracks as well as “Walk It Talk It” and “Yes Indeed” gave him over a quarter of the Hot 100 all to himself, which is just absolutely insane. I will be talking more about the album, and to an extent, “In My Feelings”, on my best list, but for now let’s just explain what’s wrong with these three songs, from least to most interesting, starting with what is technically a Lil Baby track, “Yes Indeed”. Now, who’s Lil Baby? Well, he tells you straight off the bat in his verse:

Wah-wah-wah, b****, I’m Lil Baby

Yeah. That’s how he ends it too, like that’s supposed to be the impressive final punchline of the verse before it goes into the hook, but it doesn’t work at all because it’s one of the weakest and most pathetic excuses for a punchline or witty line I’ve ever heard in rap. Wait, oh, I’ve misheard it?

Wah-wah-wah, b****, I’m the baby

Let’s just move on to Drake because I’m sick of this Young Thug clone (who, by the way, deserves way more success than he gets and especially way more than the two clowns that bit his style hard, whilst lacking all of the charisma and interesting characteristics and quirks Thugger had). I saw a comment on r/HipHopHeads that said the line that convinced them Lil Baby was the “real deal” was this line, from the song we’ve got on our list:

Cartier glasses, I won’t even peek at you / Yellow Ferrari like Pikachu

Does that wordplay sound any familiar to you? If it does, well...

My diamonds, they say, “Pikachu”, they say, “Pikachu” / I’m a boss, I walk through the club and just peek at you – Young Thug, “Picacho”

Yup. If that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know about Lil Baby and in turn, the quality of this song, then I don’t know what will. Oh, and if you’re wondering about the beat to the song, I can’t tell you much about it because it’s so swamped out with bass that I can barely hear it. I’m pretty sure there’s a flute in there somewhere? I can’t really say, but what I can say is that Drake phoned this in clearly, because while he’s still better than Lil Baby, his verse transitions so abruptly into Baby. I swear, it’s like they made this in 10 minutes – and knowing rappers like Lil Baby, they probably did. Speaking of songs that are essentially just bass, I mean, that’s Tay Keith’s gimmick – he makes those simplistic bassy instrumentals that fuse trap skitters with classic Memphis rap, and he is actually pretty good at it, until you realise all of his beats sound the same, and never really work unless you’ve got the right rapper on it. Case in point, “Nonstop”. The main point of Tay Keith’s beats are that they are fast-paced, evil and menacing, hence they worked incredibly well with 21 Savage on Metro Boomin’s “Don’t Come Out the House”, especially when he brought in the whisper flow... however you cannot tell me with a straight face that Drake ever comes off in the way he intends, especially with this emotionless gangster image he’s playing up this year. Listen, he starts off the song by claiming he’s somehow original and unique for flipping a switch:

Look, I just flipped a switch (flipped, flipped) / I don’t know nobody else who doin’ this

I mean, apparently it’s about flipping from his calm and kind to his aggressive side, but that doesn’t make much sense considering the song before this one on the album is also rather a straight rapping track.

Bodies start to drop, ayy, hit the floor

Listen, man, the only body hitting the floor while you’re around is Jimmy if he accidentally steps out of wheelchair. Oh, and some of this is a subliminal Kanye diss, but their beef is confusing enough anyway, so just watch a Genius video or something, I’d rather focus on right after the verses, a Mack Daddy Ju sample comes in of just one line from one of his songs repeated and that’s apparently a chorus... yeah, no, this is immensely lazy. The only part where Drake tries here is in the second verse, and that’s not because his flow and delivery picks up and becomes Sheck Wes levels of energetic, no, it’s because he makes this corny pun that you know he’s secretly proud of.

Bills so big, I call ‘em Williams, for real

Although, we could have it worse – he could be trying too hard.

TrapMoneyBenny, this s*** got me in my feelings, yeah / Got to be real with it, yeah

The main problem with “In My Feelings” is how much it asks of the listener to take in at once without ever letting itself loose. I really enjoy glitchy and scattered music, and I think Drake and his producers are attempting to make a bounce record that is as all over the place as possible without any consideration for a cohesive melody or hook to grasp onto. It’s not like “Wonderful Christmastime” where the fact that everything is a hook makes the song endearing, but instead, the fact that everything is its own chorus makes it just irritating to listen to. Even when listening to McCartney’s trainwreck of a festive bop, you know what to focus on: that opening echoing synth line and Paul’s pathetically weak vocals. Drake? Well, he’s not sure, so he throws everything at the wall until he finds something that might stick and just runs with it – he finds three of those, and we’ll be deep-diving into what they are.

First of all, the actual chorus – everyone knows it, it’s the focal point of whatever dance challenge was involved in promoting this song. While the song seems to start minimally with a hypnotic piano line, it actually kind of tricks you and instead catapults some record scratches, aggressive vocal samples, a siren sound, 808s and Drake at you, when you’re not ready to appreciate any of it, but then Drake seems to kind of freestyle this kind of repetitive hook that he thinks is really good, but there’s these “let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!” ad-libs that clutter everything, making the hook not as stable as Drake wants it to be. Remember those later. Drake soon ditches the chorus, instead going for a tension-raising verse where Drake just kind of rambles over a constantly-changing beat that just adds elements whenever they feel like it, before he starts a flow that works... until the hook just comes in again, because it’s the only thing that he can really grasp, before he gets interrupted by City Girls and their chopped-up vocals, which, admittedly, are pretty awesome isolated with just the jackhammer 808s, although then they chop up both the Magnolia Shawty sample that we heard before and the chorus at the same time and it just gets too much to keep up with. What do we focus on? Is Magnolia Shawty responding to Drake? Why is Lil Wayne here? Both of the samples kind of have an unhinged chemistry together but then Drake stops any of that from developing before the song gets too experimental, repeating the intro and letting some bongos come in or something, for no reason, until they fade out and leave just a sample from that Atlanta TV show? And that’s even cut off before it ends!

This song would work if it were an upbeat party jam but it’s just way too dark and quiet for that to work, instead it’s just an onslaught of elements that could potentially make a good song, but they’re so hastily put together that the final product is a mess of unfinished ideas, that somehow stayed at the top spot for ten weeks. Hell, this recount of the song’s events probably made no logical sense or cohesiveness because it’s way too much to reasonably keep up with and is always edging for a climax, like it’s one step closer to the edge and it’s about to break, but it just ends up repeating itself. At least this one’s kind of funny in its incompetence, unlike “Nonstop” which is painfully boring and “Yes Indeed” which is a waste of studio time. I seriously hope Lil Baby goes away next year because he adds nothing to already dystopian wastelands of instrumentals. Now we have spent way too much time talking about Drizzy. Let’s talk about someone else.

I’m just being real, my s*** look--

#7

Now, I see a lot of people bring up how the most popular artists of 2018 were “problematic” and awful people, and I mean, yeah, you’re right, but who cares? There have always been terrible and insensitive people in the music industry, because they’re going to be there in every sector of the industry, naturally. If they come to light, it’s mostly because with the Internet you have easier access than ever to someone’s mistakes, and with that becomes ever-growing popularity which, in all honesty, these people who complain about them are only perpetuating. And with that, I present to you Exhibit A:

N****s iffy, uh, blicky got the stiffy, uh

#7 – “GUMMO” – 6ix9ine 

Produced by Pi’erre Bourne – from the mixtape DAY69 – Year-End: #56 – Peak: #12

I don’t care what anyone says as a rebuttal because I am telling you a fact – the people who hate 6ix9ine are making him popular, you know it and he knows it. Sure, he may be locked up for a long time now, but that doesn’t really take away the 316 million views the video for this got off of some people legitimately enjoying this and a whole lot more of the memes. This kid ate more Skittles than his mum told him too once and starts throwing gang signs while repeating the N-word like it’s the word “the”, and since you guys thought that was funny, awful or disgusting, you are directly giving more attention and hence obviously more profit to a pedophile. It is clearly controversy and outrage that is taking this song to higher levels than just a Froggy Fresh-like situation (who, by the way, never charted this high, or at all), and I wouldn’t be complaining if the song was any good, but it really isn’t.

I’ve liked some of Tekashi’s stuff before, hell, I’ve even tried to defend my fondness towards tracks like “STOOPID” and “KIKA” on my weekly chart review show, but the reason those tracks work is because of how the production backs up 6ix9ine’s screaming or yelling delivery, with his simplistic flows being intensified due to how the instrumentals build up (also they have features to break the monotony). I may not be a fan of “TATI” or even “WAKA” all that much but even in songs like those you can tell he has a grip on this kind of sound and how he can make his aggressive and rough voice more tolerable against less intense but still powerful and propelled production. Since this is early in his career, however, he doesn’t yet understand how you cannot simply scream profanity and violent lyrical content over a Playboi Carti type-beat and call it a day. It doesn’t fit his style at all and I don’t get why at any point he could get this beat from Trippie Redd DM’ing him and think, “yeah, I can just yell over this and the beat will totally correlate!” The beat starts with a pretty hellish intro where 6ix9ine echoes before some gunshots, the classic “SCUM GANG!” catchphrase, and eventually the beat starts, with this high-pitched child sample saying “I’ll see y’all water, suu-woo!” – seriously, why can none of these rappers do an intro well this year? Oh, and the lyrical content is pretty disgusting, in fact, too disgusting for me to really put here, although, can we stop kicking women out of doors?

Man, that’s really all I use her for, then I kick her out the door

We don’t have any evidence to really believe this as parody or exaggeration, and Tekashi says this in a handful of other songs, so it’s safe to assume this is just violent and misogynistic, right? Sigh... Let’s just thank God this dude can’t release music for a while, unless, of course...

You know you like a n****’s Schmoney dance, you gon’ love a n**** when I swerve out – Bobby Schmurda on 6ix9ine’s “STOOPID”

Oh, no. Please, no.

Scum Gang...

#6

Oh, speaking of misogynists, here’s three dudes without a Wikipedia page and their more popular counterparts making a reggaeton song, and let’s naturally try and get rid of the language barrier here, by using a translation, but if I get any details wrong, I apologise, translations are never perfect. I don’t apologise for hating this lazy trash heap of a song though.

#6 - “Te Boté” (remix) – Nio García, Darell and Casper Mágico featuring Bad Bunny, Nicky Jam and Ozuna 

Produced by Young Mvrtino, Kronix Magical and Shorty Complete – Year-End: #81 – Peak: #36

This isn’t the last time you’ll see Latin pop on this list, but it’s definitely the last time you’ll see most of these names in your life because, seriously, who knows or cares about these guys? Ozuna, Nicky Jam and Bad Bunny make sense for the remix, but do you know who Darell is? After I tell you who he is, will you really still know who he is? Anyway, this song is six minutes and fifty-seven seconds of pure hell, although the most irritating part other than the beat is the 10 minutes at the start where every single one of them has to get their adlibs in, including Bad Bunny just spouting utter nonsense out of his mouth whenever possible, right before we get to the devil himself, Ozuna, who always, with no exception (trust me, we’ll get back to him later), sounds like a nasal child with a blocked nose who was told he had to make a reggaeton song in five minutes, so he just came in the booth and whined. We have a few sparse piano notes before the beat (that never really changes throughout all seven minutes, by the way, except for when it briefly drowns itself in reverb and has what sounds like an Audacity phaser effect on it for a few seconds each verse) and Ozuna really kick in. Unlike Trippie Redd’s more dynamic, flip-flopping style, Ozuna sticks to one perfect note and pitch for the whole chorus, honestly putting me on edge whenever he appears.

Hell, everyone gets to perform their own chorus, and you can just tell how much care was put into each performance just from that. Bad Bunny sounds tired but at least he’s putting effort into it. Darell is so bored and quiet that they put people loudly speaking over him in Spanish to help us not fall asleep, Casper the Friendly Ghost is autotuned to the point where he’s beyond human and instead he’s a cyborg whose owner bought the Spanish DLC, Nio Garcio barely exists and Nicky Jam is... actually okay. Yeah, him and Bad Bunny bring out pretty good choruses here, and I kind of appreciate Ozuna’s too, but instead of skipping right to the next song as if the last minute or so of just all six dudes talking and making ad-libs and gun sounds doesn’t exist, shall we look into what the translations of the lyrics have to say?

But I know that I kicked you out

Oh, come on, Ozuna—

I kicked you out of my life, and I kicked you out

So, from what I can gather, Ozuna broke up this woman and is phrasing it like it was a drug addiction and he’s kicking the habit. That’s kind of a cool concept, how is everyone else going to add to this unique story? Will they use different perspectives in the story, like acting as friends of the guy who’s dumping this woman? Ooh, I have an idea – will they all use a different drug to act as their metaphors in each verse? Now, that would be cool, but sadly, of course we’re not getting that. These people probably don’t have enough skill to wrap their arms around a concept anyway, and they wouldn’t care enough to go through with it anyway. Instead of going through all of these dudes individually, let’s just appreciate some lyrical highlights.

Baby, life is a cycle / What doesn’t serve me, I don’t recycle

You are the past and the past never comes back / Go to Hell (whoa), my body doesn’t need you (no)

Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you how bitter and melodramatic these dudes are, seriously, they have so much bile for their respective exes that it’s almost a joke. Like, I can’t take anything they say seriously to the point where I start to think it’s satire, but it feels genuine enough, even if they put “to hell you went” in the hook.

Bad Baby’s chorus is so mean, though, it pulls no punches and just insults the girl non-stop.

I kicked you out, I sacked you and let you go, I let you go / I sent you to Hell, I sent you / And I nailed your friend, I nailed her

Jesus... we don’t even know what any of these women do for all seven minutes and the only rapper who really tries to elaborate for more than a vague one-liner is Darrell, surprisingly, who tells us pretty clearly what happened.

With you, putting a condom on is a must / But I posted up in half-court, baby, like Rondo

I understand why there’s such an issue now, because Darrell has accidentally had a baby with this woman and is angry because...? Yeah, actually, why is he angry at her, specifically? He’s the one who didn’t put on any protection; surely you should be showing some respect. What, is Darrell angry that he’s not seeing his kid enough? You know, that’s fine, though, because it shows some kind of primal frustration at the woman, while as the song goes on, you realise that all these recounts are from the same person’s perspective, and they’re irrational before, but eventually, once we get to Nicky Jam’s verse, he’s just reminiscing on the good times and moving on.

I lie if I say I don’t miss it when I touched your skin / I lie if I say I don’t miss it when you called me at dawn

See? Maybe this song isn’t as awful as I thought – I mean it’s unlistenable, but much like “Freaky Friday” at least effort was put into making it interesting lyrically and focusing on storytelling, you know? I actually really like the gradual increase in maturity.

I take the chance of the remix with Ozuna to send you to Hell

...Never mind then.

Ra-ta-ta-ta!

#5

I really love how Young Thug uses his voice. I think he pushes himself to vocal limits whilst somehow sticking to the meter of the trap beat and it always works because he’s just off the beaten track enough for it to be weird and interesting but he never steps his foot outside of the comfort zone because when he experiments, well, he can make some grave mistakes, such as that hilariously awful song that samples “Rocket Man” by Elton John... but guys, what if we had two Young Thugs who didn’t push themselves vocally and don’t have any intriguing quirks, but somehow they got more popular and use the most basic, badly-mixed trap beats to ever be produced?

Run that back, Turbo

#5 – “Drip Too Hard” – Lil Baby and Gunna 

Produced by Turbo – from the album Drip Harder – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #4

I’d say, “Where do I even start with this?” but that doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a lot to talk about, because there really is not anything I can say that I haven’t said before about Lil Baby, and Gunna is essentially the same person. Listen, every song these dudes make, on their own or on their collaborative mixtape, is just them pathetically flowing, often slightly off-beat, in their monotone and nasal delivery – with Lil Baby often preferring a falsetto over Gunna’s smoother, reverb-drowned voice – without having any interesting lyrics or actually good bars or punchlines. Typically, they don’t even have more than one notably awful lyric per song, so you always know what to expect from both the beat, usually either a simplistic piano melody or dreary guitar strumming under way too much bass and the typical skittering trap percussion, and the performers themselves.

Let me put it this way: this song is about 113 BPM but it feels like it goes half as fast, because of how the beat never changes or has any adjustments worth speaking of, Lil Baby drags on his autotuned bars like curtains in the morning (which is probably a better comparison than this guy could come up with) and Gunna is empty space on the track; seriously, the dude’s white noise except for the one line.

I feel like a child, I got boogers in the face

In fact, the lyrics are dumber but actually some of the most unique these dudes have come up with, although it does seem rather controlling throughout, if that makes any sense. Lil Baby takes that rap persona to the extreme and portrays himself as some nigh-unbeatable force that has everyone and everything doing only what he wishes them to.

Whenever I tell you to come, she comin’

Soon as I come back, she gettin’ slayed

Yeah, he uses very imperative, demanding words when it comes to providing for these women sexually, but he also gives her luxury as if it wasn’t anything to him.

You can get the biggest Chanel bag in the store if you want it

This wouldn’t be anything special if they weren’t so forceful about it in such an otherwise calm and, dare I say, ambient song? It just kind of fits into the background until Lil Baby gets oddly aggressive in his offbeat ramblings, especially in the chorus, where he threatens those who copy his style... oh, come on.

Every other night, another dollar gettin’ made

If you make a dollar every two days, you are in poverty. Oh, and I believe Gunna kind of tries to make some statement about racial issues briefly.

I don’t want your chain, young Gu-wunna not a slave

Dude, you’re wearing like four chains in the video, so I’m not sure if your point is valid here.

TSA harass me, so I took a private plane

Are you trying to say that you take a private plane because you’re being racially profiled by the TSA? I mean, they just perform more thorough checks on people with heavy loads of money and jewellery, is that the punchline? I’m not sure because he clearly uses “harass” to make it appear violent. It might be a stretch, but if there is any attempt at racial commentary here, it fails incredibly, as I’d expect from these two talentless hacks. Hopefully, this duo sinks into complete irrelevancy by 2020. It’s not like they care, as he says himself, they don’t read comments.

Do this all the time, this ain’t no surprise / Every other night, another movie getting made

Blech.

#4

This year (and last year to an extent), a lot of popular artists who made music that wasn’t rap or hip hop “flopped” for lack of a better word – essentially, pop icons failed to gain much chart longevity with either songs or albums in the past few years, making way for newer artists to stack up hits on hits, mostly because of how streaming is more important now than ever. I’ve listened to the full album by one of the former pop icons that fell this year, and I can tell you that most of it is fantastic, albeit perhaps unintentionally. Love songs dedicated to Justin Timberlake’s flannel are just kind of my thing, I guess.

#4 – “Filthy” – Justin Timberlake 

Produced by Timbaland, Justin Timberlake and Danja – from the album Man of the Woods – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #9

So this starts out as a rock song, and it’s kind of awesome, actually. That guitar riff is undeniable and pretty heavy, with Justin Timberlake’s vocals, although way too back in the mix for my liking are fitting, and we get this incredible build-up with the drums continuing to increase in speed and intensity. It’s insane, and we have no idea what will be at the end of it. It’s like a rollercoaster but you’re entirely blindfolded, so you expect a drop but where? When? Instead of the rollercoaster actually going down, however, you’re just pushed off the carriage very lightly and fall onto a cushion.

Yeah, that’s how the squelchy elastic robot-funk “wub-wub” synth bass wobble feels here. They’re so ugly and almost, wrong, if that makes any sense. Like they’re not supposed to sound like that. It reminds me of my own music that I make where I Paulstretch and add echoes to nonsense samples until it sounds disgusting enough, but this is a professional recording and hence, it’s a lazy excuse for making any interesting synth sounds as the main instrumental hook. Oh, yeah, and there’s not enough to really drown it, we just get a few searing siren synths, heavy female breathing and Justin himself, who is pretty awful, as I expected, vocally, because he just kind of talks rhythmically? I can’t call it rapping but it’s definitely not a real melody. The main thing that annoys me about this song is for the last minute and half, it’s a fantastic song. It finally lets itself go insane, as the searing siren synth starts to glitch out, you can barely hear Justin under the pitched-down echoing backing vocals (some of which sound like Eminem, honestly), and the wobble bass kind of dissipates, instead leading with that chopped-up guitar from earlier, before calming down and slowing down, fading out into a strong bass backing up a tropical landscape for uncredited vocalist Jessica Biel to speak over. It’s actually really cool for a brief period of time... but the song’s five minutes.

If you know what’s good...

He repeats this in the rock sections as if it’s leading up to something but it just ends up being an incomplete sentence as it abruptly goes from him screaming that to him “rapping” this line:

Haters gon’ say it’s fake... so real

This means nothing. Haters are going to say Justin Timberlake is fake, so you respond with “So real”. Isn’t that just a non-sequitur? Hell, it’s not even a sentence. Are you missing a “but it is” or “but I am”? Justin, actually, what’s with all the pointless rap references?

I guess I got my swagger back

Yeah, that’s from JAY-Z.

Your friends, my friends, and they ain’t leaving ‘till six in the morning

And that’s from Snoop Dogg, clearly. Is Justin trying to appeal to the modern teenage crowd who are into hip-hop by mentioning... old rap songs from aging rappers who are having an equally hard time trying to stay relevant? Man, and I thought Timbaland could help you, hell, he’s been working with Ski Mask the Slump God recently. Yeah, sorry, I love a lot of Justin’s other stuff and even Man of the Woods appealed to me in an odd way, but this is just a clunky, dated mess. That last 90 seconds should have been released as the lead single, even though it wouldn’t have been played on the radio – not like this was, anyway, and I’m glad it just came and went.

Look closer, through the trees. Do you see it?

#3

Now, let’s get into the true stinkers, the top three worst hit songs of one of the most dreadful years in pop music history I’ve ever experienced. All three of these songs are borderline unlistenable, so I might as well introduce them all at once, but, no, let’s go in on them one-by-one, starting with the last trap song that’ll end up on this list, and it’s by a guy who I’ve actually loved a lot of material from this year. You’ll see him twice or more on my best list, and I think he is a really talented singer and songwriter, with a knack for really catchy melodies, but... man, this song really fell apart, didn’t it?

#3 – “I Fall Apart” – Post Malone 

Produced by Illangelo – from the album Stoney – Year-End: #39 – Peak: #16

I like Post Malone, I really do, but when he’s at his worst, he is unbearable, especially because of how grating his voice can be when he warbles whilst drowned in both autotune and the immense reverb that he decides to use, in fact, I’m pretty sure all of his songs are 70% reverb effects – and lucky me, this song is basically just him moaning for painful stretches of time drowned in reverb, because that’s the chorus. It starts with multi-tracked Post Malones crooning the title before a slight piano comes in that is only there for seemingly no reason before the actual verse and guitar comes in, where Post Malone just kind of yells over a heavy acoustic guitar lick, with “yeah” ad-libs that make me think my headphones are broken with how far they are back into the mix. All the lyrics are just pure melodrama, but the pre-chorus where he’s “taking these shots like Novacane” show my main problem with the song. It tries to be an intense, heartbroken track, but it’s too quirky to work like that.

His diction is pretty bad, so he’s mostly strangely mumbling his shouted lines in a way that makes it able to hear but also painful because of his high-pitched, obviously very immature voice, and then the chorus comes in, with him shouting “oooh, I fall apart” over a way too upbeat drop, with rapid 808s that are deep and cover out any of the trap skitter, making any dark ideas with the drum pattern irrelevant and just completely inaudible, mostly because of the chirpy pitched-up vocal samples being sprayed over Post Malone’s simplistic melody with a reverb-coated delivery that is hard to listen to. Oh, and these light gliding pianos come in for the second verse, and then, we kind of find the main point of the song in that verse:

Feelin’ like I sold my soul / Devil in the form of whore, devil in the form of whore

This song is bipolar, and it’s not as intentional as it initially seems – you see, this primal release right here should be powerful because it is Post Malone at the breaking point, where he gives up trying to reason with himself, disregarding his ex after the break-up as the devil because of how heartbroken he is... it doesn’t work when the song is happy. The instrumental is chirpy and actually just kind of pretty, especially for 2018, with those nice kicks and the piano melody and vocal sample being way too high-pitched and light to really give off any “depressed” or “broken” vibe. It’s just an unfinished instrumental for Post Malone to whine over, and you know what, that could have been beautiful, but since we have no reason to believe this bipolar song structure is on purpose other than the bridge (which, admittedly, is actually pretty cool, but not enough to completely retcon my theory), we’re just here to observe Post Malone being a bit of a jerk towards someone we don’t know anything about. Like “Te Boté”, all we know is that they broke up and we’re supposed to feel sorry for the man. Yet “I Fall Apart” had kegs full of potential, and that outro with the swirling chiptune-like synth really should have been happening throughout the song, as that’s where the intentional juxtaposition is evident. Otherwise, it just sounds really unpleasant, but, hey, at least Post Malone isn’t that much of an awful human being. Sure, he’s said some stuff that turned me off him at first in a couple interviews, but overall he doesn’t seem too bad...

#2

Disclaimer – Some more sensitive topics will be touched on in this segment. If you feel like you will not be okay reading about you-know-who and his abuse charges, skip to #1 – skim-read if you wish, but definitely do not click the page I have linked in my explanation of why I do not like this song.

Okay, now, listen, I know people have been awful in the music industry before and I brought this up while talking about “GUMMO”. There have always been untalented, racist, sexist, problematic and insensitive people in any industry and there have been for decades, and they are now just becoming common knowledge because of how easy it is to spread information nowadays. I know I sound like an old crony saying that, but that’s how I feel looking at charts when I see names like Quando Rondo, Flipp Dinero and Calboy show up on the bottom half, like, who the hell are these people and why are they blowing up now? Well they’re all trap-rappers, of course, and they’re using the innovative musical platform laid down by people like 2 Chainz, Future and Travis Scott, and later SoundCloud rappers like Lil Uzi Vert, to finally get their time in the limelight, but they’re watering down that genre to the point where I believe we have reached “peak trap” and slowly with people like Playboi Carti I think we’re moving into an era of post-trap due to the oversaturation. I remember way back in 2016 when this dude first charted with this nonsensical title and I searched him up and found out he was, uh, well...

#2 – “changes” – XXXTENTACION 

Produced by John Cunningham – from the album ? – Year-End: #94 – Peak: #18

Yeah, okay, well, first of all, rest in peace to Jahseh Onfroy, okay, I was never a fan of him or his music but nobody showing potential and talent deserves to die that early, alright? Now that all that is out of the way, let’s talk about the song itself, which makes my blood boil. “changes” has a lot in common with a Bad Bunny track, “Amorfoda”, mostly in the fact that it’s just four piano notes being repeated and that’s the beat. There’s no drums, there’s no guitar, it’s just that and briefly some strings. “Amorfoda” is even more minimalistic as it’s just simply piano and Bad Bunny (as well as his ad-libs). On the track, Bad Bunny’s lyrics are oddly poetic, and his performance is constantly changing with his flow and delivery never really staying in one place throughout the one pretty long verse. This is helpful as it keeps the track interesting, as otherwise it’s just a barebones piano ballad with an above average vocalist singing a mumbled hook and an excruciatingly long, unintelligible verse. “changes” is just that, except there’s no verse... there’s just a bridge, which is one line repeated six times. The hook is four lines long, the beat is only two notes this time around, the one addition to the droning immature vocals from X and PnB Rock’s boring crooning is some weak, barely noticeable fake strings. Piano ballads work when there’s legitimate power, and the closest we get to that is X and PnB’s harmonised humming that still would have sounded better if you got Kid Cudi to do it. Seriously, if you ever need someone to hum on your song, get this dude.

So, we’ve established it’s cheap, lazy and pointless, as well as mind-numbingly repetitive. There’s only five lines that are repeated for all two minutes and two seconds. The song concept is clearly there but they have no idea how or where to run with it so they just keep on saying the lyrics they have for a while and release it as a lead single (without PnB Rock credited, I may add). If you’re wondering if I’m downplaying the song and there’s more to it, no, don’t kid yourself. It’s both of these dudes moaning over piano that X probably didn’t even play. Now, what about those five lines?

Mmm, baby, I don’t understand this / You’re changing, I can’t stand it

Can I have a “get out of talking about a dead man’s domestic abuse charges free” card, please? Okay, so, let’s not pretend he wasn’t an abuser, he admitted to “F’ing her up” in an audio recording that Pitchfork discovered, as well as, you know, stabbing nine people, as you do. This song is about how Geneva, his ex, is making it hard for HIM despite him being the one beating her. X doesn’t understand why Geneva is changing opinions and attitudes towards him after he injured her to the point where she needs a GoFundMe for surgery (pictures of her eye are out there!) whilst carrying a child, and he has the gall to play a victim complex, and of course it works on his gullible young fanbase.

My heart can’t take this damage

“My heart can’t take this damage”? Miss me with that sadboi poetry nonsense. Ugh. Let’s move on before I pop a blood vessel.

Mmm, baby, I don’t understand this

Good riddance.

#1

“changes” was my definite choice for #1 for a long time. If you recall when it showed up on the UK Top 40, I quite literally didn’t review it at all, and got someone else who loved the song to talk about it, in both respect for XXXTENTACION as he recently passed away at the time and to not spoil my list. At the end of the year, though, a song was released and I came to a conclusion: I can listen to “changes”. It is lazy, aggravating, has irritating lyrics and sounds unfinished... but I can hear it all the way through and not be all too bothered by it. Same goes for “In My Feelings” and “Freaky Friday”, they’re not long and they’re interesting enough, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re any good, and the reason why songs like “Te Boté”, “Drip Too Hard” or “Filthy” didn’t top this list is because there are parts I actually really appreciate in that song, and if anything I can laugh at it, even if they’re too long and they’re pathetic excuses for popular music. My #1 barely counts. It was in the top 40, sure, but at the tail-end of the year, and if anything, this is premature as it’s probably going to make 2019’s year-end list, but screw it, I have to get this out now. The worst hit song of 2018 is “Taki Taki” by DJ Snake featuring vocals from Ozuna, Cardi B and Selena Gomez.

#1 – “Taki Taki” – DJ Snake, Ozuna, Cardi B and Selena Gomez 

Produced by DJ Snake – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #11

Now, “changes” makes my blood boil but really, at a musical standpoint, it’s competent enough. They’re on beat, both dudes can kind of sing, and the instrumental is inoffensive. “Taki Taki” is thre minutes and 36 seconds of absolute torture. We start with that hellish flute loop, which fades in at the start of the song and doesn’t change for the rest of the whole song, staying in the background for the track constantly, only getting pitched up in the chorus or “drop”, for added annoyance. The flute loop itself is painful and I don’t think I can really describe how much it gets on my nerves in words. It sounds like a rabbit with cavities playing a recorder, if you can picture that horrible image. Oh, and remember Ozuna? Well, he’s worse here. Not only does he sound like he recorded his own audio in his kitchen, but his nasal voice is aggravating. Something about the way he says fricatives makes me want to strangle a dolphin – which is fitting because that’s what he sounds like when he repeats the hook, “Taki Taki, rumba!” If you’re wondering what “Taki Taki” is, it means nothing. It means absolutely nothing. It is a nonsense word, but it does rhyme with several other words that Ozuna pronounces awfully, such as... well...

Booty explota como Nagasaki

The booty blows up like Nagasaki. Dude, how did this get through the executives? It reminds me of a Hoodrich Pablo Juan mixtape I heard where in the second track he just spurts out that broke people are gay or something and I question how the hell everyone in his label and heard that and thought, “yeah, that’s okay”. I know it’s Gucci Mane’s label in that case, so they don’t care, but this “Taki Taki” song was a major-label release by four of the biggest mega-stars in their own respective genres. How did this insensitive yet actually kind of hilariously awful reference to the 1945 Nagasaki atomic bombings slip through the cracks, man? Maybe it’s because Ozuna makes any person with sense’s skin crawl, so they just skipped his part. That’s reasonable – and understandable, I mean, I would to.

Hi Music Hi Flow

What’s with the producer tag for the dude who didn’t produce the song, Ozuna? What is the point of tagging this onto the drop? Oh, and Cardi B’s on here, and don’t get me wrong, I like Cardi but she is so non-descript on here.

I said, we should have a date / “Where?” At the Lamborghini store

How is this in any way a clever or unique punchline? This is just filler, and I don’t blame her – hell, I like Cardi for her delivery too but she’s not even that loud or energetic here so she needs something to back it up and, yeah, she just doesn’t. Someone on Twitter brought to my attention that it interpolates another Cardi B and Ozuna song, “La Modelo”, which is much better and leaves absolutely no reason to willingly listen to the song.

Oh, and in typical “Taki Taki” fashion, Cardi’s awfully mixed. What a surprise. It just sounds like Cardi DM’d DJ Snake a video of her rapping the verse with her kid Kulture crying in the background, so he took the audio from that and put it in Audacity’s “Noise Remover” function in order to remove the crying, making there a lot of awkwardly mixed moments that just sound like amateur hour, which DJ Snake shouldn’t be able to replicate at his level of stature and fame... but Selena Gomez’s verse? Oh, honey...

Careful when you come through my way

Is Selena Gomez trying to be intimidating? Because, uh, no. It’s not working, and never will.

My body-ody know how to play

Ugh, I’m not a fan of stuttering or repeating syllables to fill the meter, especially when they’re weak lines like this. It just feels so lazy, and Selena does it more than worse in her short verse.

And I-I-I know you need a taste

Oh, and why does she self-censor these three lines?

When I (OOH), you’re fallin’ in love / Give a little (OOH-OOH), get it well done / Dancing on my (OOH), make your girl want to run

Does Selena Gomez need to keep a squeaky-clean image? She had a video last year where she sensually chowed down on some lipstick, while a song called “Fetish” played. She can’t go back to the innocent Disney image after that, like, come on. If we cancel that out, then why isn’t Cardi censored? She gets away with saying stuff like this:

My piggy bank is hungry, my n****, you need to feed it / If the text ain’t freaky, I don’t wanna read it / And just to let you know, this punani is undefeated, ayy

Yet there’s not much that could really fit there. I figured the first bit was “shake my hips” or something, but does it have to be the same amount of syllables as the “ooh” that replaces it? If so, then that means the second “ooh” line is just nonsensical, unless it’s “hump-bump” or “bump-grind” because Selena Gomez wanted to reference R. Kelly or something. “When I...” What? Trip? Dance? Slip – as in slip off the panties? I don’t know, but seemingly none of these options seem worthy of even censoring, so I think we can call this lazy songwriting instead.

The “subtle” integrations of Spanish throughout her verse are pitiful, by the way.

Porque I am the party, yo soy fiesta / Blow out your candles, then have a siesta / They can try, pero no-one can stop me

I did barely a month of GCSE Spanish and I could write better Spanish bars than this. Also, what’s that last one?

They can try, pero no-one can stop me

Who’s stopping you from partying... or being the party, actually, as you specify?

I am the party, yo soy fiesta

If you’re wondering what “yo soy fiesta” means, it’s just essentially “I am the party” again. Yeah, if you don’t have a good line that rhymes, just give up and say it in Spanish. The worst line is easily the last one, though.

What my Taki Taki wants, yeah, my Taki Taki gets, uh

So, does this explain what “Taki Taki” is? Is it lust? Selena Gomez is supposedly so hot that she can get whatever her instinct is... that’s actually kind of a cool concept, so why is he said completely out of context in the chorus? Does it mean “My instinct is to dance” when they say “Taki Taki, rumba!”? “Rumba” is a dance, so it’s safe to assume that, right? Why are they making a reggaeton song feel like English comprehension? To be fair, however, Selena’s chorus does its job and is actually pretty decent, but then Ozuna comes in to ruin it all anyway, so who cares?

The reason this is above every song on this list is because it reeks of incompetence and is probably the song here that just sounds the worst all throughout its runtime, and all of this nonsense happens over a grating, neverending shrill flute loop, and, yeah, that pretty much explains why this song is the worst hit song this year, at least in my opinion. Hopefully that best list is coming soon, but for now, thank you for reading my incessant rambles about pop music and I’ll see you tomorrow on REVIEWING THE CHARTS. Bye!

Hi Music Hi Flow / Taki Taki / Taki Taki

deadcactuswalking

[liquidayre]

11 Questions

Tagged by: @awhorableperson! Why thank you for this, I’ve only just been able to get around to answering them <3 

Rule 1: Post the rules Rule 2: Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post, then make 11 new ones Rule 3: Tag 11 people and link them to your post

I apologise that I’ve not tagged anyone specifically, it’s not that I don’t care. More that I don’t want to tag anyone, feel free to answer my 11 Questions though either privately or publicly, whichever suits your needs best <3

1) If you could choose just one thing to change about the world, what would it be? 

I would go back in time and change the Hollywood perspective of people, it started the sentiment of perfect beauty and the idea that one mode fits all sort of thing. I think if you could go back to the early days of Hollywood and somehow get different types of people into cinema it would create a more tolerant society in the future. Perhaps, or maybe shoot Hitler and step on a butterfly or something. 

2) What is true happiness? 

Ooooo~ true happiness aye? Happiness is defined as the state of being happy. Therefore a person can only experience true happiness when they are embedded in doing something that causes them to be happy. So for example a passionate writer and a serial killer might both be able to experience ‘True Happiness’ doing whatever it is that causes them to feel happy.

For me, I strive for content”ness” I have this ideal of happiness like a montage at the end of a sitcom. Going to see friends during the holidays, spending time with the kids and a partner I’m infatuated with and then the camera pans out as I’m sat smoking a cigar on the porch with tall glass of something in my hand, playing guitar or writing something deep and meaningful. There lies my true happiness. 

3) Where is the line between insanity and creativity? 

One mans trash is another mans treasure. When the first pioneers painted still life in shape as opposed to mirroring life, the first musicians mixed notes that shouldn’t be mixed, people may have declared them unskilled, untalented and perhaps even insane. I guess the line is drawn through perception. How one perceives creativity. Insanity is loosely defined as someone losing their mind whilst creativity is seeing something from a new or different perspective. 

  4) What makes you, you?

Me, me? My friends, my triumphs, my family, my life experiences. I am a thoughtful person who is good to their friends. I am potentially a bad partner or I just have poor choice in them. I don’t talk much about myself unless online or drunk so not many people know too much about me. I guess life has made me, me. (feel free to inquire about specifics)

  5) If you had a different name, would you be a different person?

I don’t think so, referring to the above. Life has made me in it’s own image and I don’t think (perhaps it would) a name would change that. 

6) Would you rather see everything too brightly or darkly?

I think too brightly, then I could see better in the dark, whereas darkly would only help me in the day and I don’t feel my day vision requires improving. Though lateral thinking tells me if I saw everything darkly I could just use a torch. . . brightly sunglasses? I think i’ll go with brightly still. . . 

7) Your house is on fire. What five things do you grab?

Mobile phone, Vape pen, Wallet, Keys, Diary,  I don’t really have anything sentimental, these things just make sense. 

8) What song describes you as a person?

Heh,  I don’t know urm. . Hate me today - Blue October? The story of a man (boy) asking for forgiveness, trying to become better because of it. Quick answer, I could be here for hours. 

9) If you could live the life of a fictional character (from anything), who would you be and why?

Spiderman is my all time favourite fictional character, Peter Parker is just such a character that I can get into and understand. However his life is tough as, so perhaps something more chilled like Mr. Hoppy from Esio Trot might be a more relaxed existence. 

10) What movie could you watch for the rest of your life?

Probably Good Will Hunting, Pulp Fiction, Anchorman, Django, Guardians of the Galaxy, The Boat that Rocked (Pirate Radio for you Americans out there) are all close but I do love Good Will Hunting.

11) What do you love about yourself and why?

I’m incredibly patient and an attentive listener. I am really warm to people and try to be a good friend to all those near me. It has allowed me to make a few good friends over the years who accept me for me because I accept them for them. They know I would move the earth for them and I feel they would do the same. I think that’s the best answer I can give to that.

Now time for 11 of my own questions for those who are interested, 

1. You’re travelling across the country and for some superfluous reason you may only take 1 Album/CD with you. What is it? 

2. You are bitten by a radioactive animal (see any links) and it dons you with superhuman abilities! What animal bit you and what powers do you expect to receive? 

3. Would you rather be too hot or too cold? 

4. You have come to my house, I offer you a drink from my limitless cupboard of drinkable commodities. What drink would you wish to receive? 

5. You have 1 TV Boxset to watch for all of eternity. You can not stop it, it just loops from the final episode in the final season back to the first episode. What Boxset would you choose?

6. It’s late at night, you’re feeling sad. What do you do? 

7. Think back to a time when things were different, you probably had a one that got away sort of moment. Not necessarily to do with love and romance but a defining moment where things could have gone at least two ways. If you could go back and change it, would you? (feel free to elaborate on the moment) 

8. Hitch hikers, should we pick them up?

9. Assuming most of you people reading this are writers, would you rather write one thing that makes you famous and successful but physically literally never be able to write again, or never be discovered or published but be able to write until the day you die. 

10. What would your autobiography called?

11. What is your perception/understanding or Love?

Lots of love, Many thanks, sleep well.