#there where these photoshoot pictures of punk as well

[dogcollarpunk]

Good Morning. Had a dream where cm punk was back and feuding with MJF. Ack.

[hauntedjpegcollection]

one two three four

wc: 3058 au: band au ch: xavier, benji

Xavier tries not to be too excited about the series of events that has lead him to be alone with Benji. Ratspits elusive drummer and the gradual, slow thaw to—he wouldn’t call it friendship yet, right? It feels too tender and a little scary to classify the shedding of hostility; the way an alley cat slowly winds around a leg until you move and it darts away. The in between of finally knowing each other—positively. Sure, friendship.

It doesn’t necessarily feel right to be so buzzed out of his mind, simply sitting beside Benji on a couch in the back of a recording studio. Alone. Alone together. Alone, as in just the two of them.

The back room has walls stuffed with framed record deals, faux graffiti that’s more than a little embarrassing (‘VOTING IS PUNK ROCK’) and signed posters plastered everywhere. A mini fridge is overly stocked with energy drinks and water bottles and iced teas. A television with a gaming console is a dark, pretty mirror of their stretched, warped reflection. The couch they’re on is a sunk in beast, used and comfortable—there’s another loveseat Benji could have chosen instead off to the side.

But when he’d walked in, he’d merely blinked a few times. Then thrown himself down onto the couch, a tangle of messy limbs, face sleepily regarding Xavier. Xavier, not in a security uniform. Xavier, in a terrible JUST HERE FOR THE WIENERS shirt with a hot dog mascot, a baseball hat and too-many-times-washed denim jeans. Clearly not here for anything other than moral support for Lark and—and support for anyone else that might want it…

“Long flight?” Xavier had asked.

“Nah, mate, they invented teleportin’, you not hear about that yet?” Xavier’s resulting giggle had softened any harsh edge to Benji’s words and expression. Had tilted his brows up slightly, quirked his mouth from mean to endeared. Xavier is not sure where to put the new found feeling in his chest, so he holds it outstretched in his hands chanting, don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be weird in his head.

Then they fall into a conversation that’s easy. Natural, almost, especially because there is no one else but them. A conversation without gaps or pauses, that swells up with laughter here and there. They sink closer and closer on the couch, maybe on accident. Maybe not. Xavier places his baseball cap on Benji just because of how frequently he’s touching his hair, swatting it back from his face. Benji offers to patch up the wide blown out knee of Xavier’s jeans, fingers pinching white strings of torn apart denim and accidentally brushing bare, freckled skin.

They’re friendly until they both decide they want the last remaining bag of chips in the bowl on the low rise coffee table (that is artfully styled with more graffiti and well placed scuffed marks).

“Crisps,” Benji says in a flat tone.

“Dude, they’re chips,” Xavier replies, incredulous. “You’re in San Francisco. They’re chips.”

“San Francisco? Thought we were in Los Angeles.”

“You’re joking, right? You look at your plane tickets before you board, right? Benji. Right?”

The drummer kicks into another laugh that’s gentle around the edges; not the harsh puff of air from his nose, the derivative snort that most people get. This is the sort of laugh Benji gives Mouse when she’s deliberately trying to make him smile—the laugh that Matilda gets when she’s showing him pictures on her phone of photoshoot outtakes Lark accidentally sneezed through.

Xavier gets this laugh arguing about…fucking chips. Whatever, he’ll take it.

“I dunno if you noticed,” he says, using a hand to gesture broadly at himself. He wiggles eyebrows, elongating on the couch as he does, with one leg crossed, ankle to thigh. It nearly has them touching. Nearly. “I’m not in security uniform today.”

“Oh,” Benji draws the word out nice and long. He rakes eyes up and down Xavier in a way that makes goosebumps rise up along every inch of skin. His lower belly fills with an undeniable sort of warmth. “Thought the wieners might have been the new style.”

Through a painful, burning blush, Xavier clears his throat and continues, “Anyway, I don’t have to be nice to you. I want the chips—barbecue is my favorite.”

“That right? I’m about to be burning calories drummin’ for the next two hours and you wanna take my only nourishment from me? Not right, yeah?”

“Man, I work on tour—I know that Bunny or Happy will cater food at some point.”

Benji’s settled himself onto the other side of the couch with an undeniable pout. Xavier’s starting to regret giving him the baseball hat—Benji isn’t usually the sort to wear them. If he ever has, it’s not been in Xavier’s presence (not that they’re spending that much time together, of course)—but he wears plenty of beanies. They always seem to make his hair curl prettily around his ears, his jawline. The baseball cap, in contrast, has his hair puff around the edges, go spirally and gorgeous and okay, maybe distracting.

Maybe Benji’s entire appearance is very distracting, all of the time.

There’s still a competitive dog inside Xavier that no beautiful drummer can win against.

“You wanna thumb war for it?”

“What?”

“Thumb war,” Xavier scoots closer, holding out a hand. Benji stares at it.

“Think you have an unfair advantage,” he murmurs, moving their palms together. There’s a small and yet incredibly infinite—like genuinely, mindbogglingly, long—moment where Xavier’s brain all but shuts off. Whatever tiny cogs that make up all of his inner workings grind to an abrupt and utterly painful stop. Benji’s hand fits into his, fingers curling around his own and his callouses, Jesus, Benji has callouses and they’re rough and Xavier is imagining those calloused hands in a hundred different ways even if the brain cogs are on fire now.

“Uh,” Xavier says intelligently. Benji blinks at him. Then slowly smiles. The effect of that smile on Xavier’s rapidly beating heart is devastating.

“’Cause your hands big. Like? A paw, mate. Go easy on me, yeah?”

“Well, hand size has nothing to do with thumbs,” Xavier continues, just as intelligently, because Benji had said that so, so breathily. Their hands maneuver into place and their knees bump as they get closer. Xavier hunches forward just a bit. “And also, I have to win or I’ll die.”

“See where Lark gets all the dramatics from.” Benji taps his chin a few times. “Could always do arm wrestlin’. No size bias there.”

“You’re joking!” Xavier leans even farther forward, his free hand wrapping around Benji’s bicep. The black denim of his jacket doesn’t hide the warmth of him; Xavier feels it immediately, straight to the marrow. He wants to soak in it, wants to rub himself against that warmth and sigh happily, like a dog rolling about a sunny patch of grass. Xavier punctuates with a squeeze of Benji’s arm, the considerable swell of his bicep hard to the touch. It makes his mouth go dry.

Benji raises an eyebrow. Xavier lets go.

“C’mon, best of three.”

The thumb war becomes an all out physical thing, with both of them jerking arms, flailing and laughing and jostling into each other. They’re bumping shoulders at some point, hands outstretched at a terrible angle. They’re both in the lead and then losing, and then arguing snappishly over their hands and laughing even louder. They’re hunching over each other and insulting each other and knocking temples as they move together and ow, ow, ow, you’re hurting me and still laughing. Xavier’s honor depends on winning, but he also—he really likes that they’re touching and that thought makes him slip drastically.

Benji nearly wins.

Until a notification pings loudly in the space between them, from his jacket pocket.

“Was that,” Xavier’s only just slightly out of breath from the hand turned near full body wrestling, a lock of his hair fallen into his face. He stares down at the phone, lit up in Benji’s jacket pocket. There’s just enough of a corner showing that he can see a yellow mask icon.

“Grindr?”

“What?” Benji startles, his eyes popping, lips tensing into a thin, pale line once the words are out of his mouth. Xavier immediately pulls away, shuffling to the other end of the couch, blush burning a path all the way to the tips of his ears. The notification goes off once more and Benji swears under his breath. Xavier’s hand is warm with the memory of Benji’s palm.

“Dude, it’s fine—answer it, what if he’s hot?” Xavier’s laugh feels thin and put on, so he clears his throat.

“Nah—no, m’not interested, like—not,” Benji rambles as more notifications come through, popping loudly between them.

Xavier pays closer attention to the coffee table, putting a foot against it and mentally lacing his shoe over and over as a distraction from the sounds of Benji’s phone and his annoyed grunting and the soft mumbling under his breath. The semi-meditative act of lacing his shoes blurs his vision, a little cycle in his brain over and over.

Until a beat passes and then, Benji laughs—that pretty laugh again. Xavier can’t help but look over, even if it’s a moderately shy tuck of a glance over his shoulder. A feeling of arousal pierces through his stomach when he finds Benji staring at him, instead of looking at his phone, which seems to have disappeared altogether. That arousal does nothing but bloom when Benji smiles at him, crooked and dark.

“Was he hot?” Xavier asks, feeling the words tumble out awkwardly.

“Not like you.”

“What?”

“Well,” Benji draws himself up onto his knees on the other side of the couch, one arm lazily over the back of it. It creates an immediate height difference between them that is an exact opposite of the usual—with Benji looming and Xavier slouched to something resembling small. Muscles tighten along his abdomen, arms looped around his middle. “Just bein’ honest—you asked. Don’t want me to answer truthfully?”

Xavier turns and places the flat of his sneakered heel against Benji’s thigh, finding it considerably thick in this knelt position.

“Don’t fuck with me,” he laughs. Or wheezes. It’s hard to catch his breath the more he’s stared at like that. Like he’s something to be eaten, something to be savored. Something hot and desirable. Benji’s hand loops underneath his calf, sliding appreciatively along the taut muscle there, fingers squeezing deftly, like they’re enjoying the pursuit. He yanks and Xavier is jerked onto his back, flat on the couch, bewildered and very, very turned on. His leg is hefted and bent, Benji’s eyes trailing along the lightly colored denim stretched across his inner thigh.

“Thought you wanted me to fuck you,” Benji says simply.

“I didn’t say that,” Xavier squeaks.

“That’s a fuckin’ riot—cute as you are hot, y’know that, Xavier?” Benji’s other hand drops onto his stomach, making all of Xavier’s body jump up. His hand grasps at a muscular forearm—suddenly it’s just all bare skin, soft black body hair, tattoos everywhere. Xavier wants to put his tongue to him there, taste all the way to the crook of Benji’s elbow and leave a bite mark of his teeth so everyone knows it was him.

Benji’s hand plucks at Xavier’s silly graphic t-shirt, pushing it higher until black serif font is revealed along with a pale and trembling torso. He laughs again, an aphrodisiac that is making it hard for Xavier to breathe and making other things hard as well.

“Whats all this then?” Fingers trail along his tattoo, a rough palm joining to flatten entirely against his stomach. A whimper, completely unintentional passes through Xavier’s lips and makes his cheeks painfully hot. Benji’s dark eyes drink him in. “Sweet boy? Are you, Xavier? I haven’t had a taste yet…”

A few more Grindr notifications pop. Xavier’s foot jerks against the table, sending it skittering along the floor. That too, as one can imagine, is artificially scuffed with fraying carpet that was likely purchased to be just worn in enough. He glances to the side, where Benji is still furiously attacking his phone, in some miserable attempt to cut the notifications. Xavier scrubs a hand across his face, chest hurting, face burning.

He scoots closer and as he does, he laughs.

“Wot?” Benji glances up at him and his expression is so mildly panicked that all of the arousal and fantasy drains from Xavier. It’s replaced with such an overwhelming affection, a desire to cup the back of Benji’s neck and knead out the worry in his eyes. The curve of his accent around that one word, the way the baseball cap has fallen back slightly, revealing curls to fall across his forehead. He looks so sweet, so cute.

“No wonder you can never get any videos to play on your phone” Xavier comments, getting close enough for their shoulders to touch. “You have like—a million apps open. Man, your phone is running like shit.”

“How d’you know I can’t get videos to run?”

“Because—your best friend back home—Maran, right? He’s sending you funny videos and you’re always grumbling under your breath, annoyed—because you can’t get them to load.”

“I don’t grumble,” Benji grumbles, chewing on the side of his mouth. The affection swells more, like a balloon underneath his sternum ready to pop. Xavier gestures to Benji’s phone with an inquiring look. There’s a brief hesitation (something that has weight to it, Xavier maybe missing a moment that feels more significant to the drummer than to the security guard) and it’s carefully handed over.

“You have to close out of apps,” Xavier explains, angling so Benji can see what he’s doing, swiping up on everything that’s open. “Dude, are these brain puzzles?”

“Yeah, shut up, alright? Why do you close ‘em, just gonna open it all tomorrow.” He’s folded arms over his chest, looking decidedly moody and a little petulant.

“It’s running in the background. It’s draining your battery and taking up space.” Xavier laughs, knocking their shoulders together, until the laugh turns to a squawk as the only application left open is Grindr. Xavier is glad that he can’t actually see whatever message Benji’s gotten, his mouth turning dusty. “Uh, I can show you how to make specific apps not send you a notification—if, uh—if that’s what you want.”

“No.” Benji plucks his phone free from Xavier’s hand. “Know how to delete things—not a total illiterate, alright?” He watches as Benji does just that, with him sitting right there. The yellow mask icon disappears from his screen. The background is a mess of other apps, nothing organized and they all cover a rather adorable photo of the Benji and Lark, looking years younger. An old photo, maybe one from a tour that had been hopping church basements and bar corners rather than the venues they get placed in now.

The balloon in Xavier’s chest pops and fills him with love.

He moves back to the other end of the couch, hands fidgeting together.

“I was like, way too into Grindr when I first came out,” he admits shyly. Benji’s turned completely on the couch, knees tucked up, boots causing authentic scuffs finally. The baseball cap’s fallen completely, perhaps lost behind the couch for all eternity. His hair is chaotic and Xavier briefly allows himself the indulgence of imagining soothing fingers through the tangle of curls. He scratches his cheek, bashful as he smiles. “I didn’t figure it out until a guy in the military did the heavy thinking for me.”

“Heavy thinkin’ or—” Benji makes a bit of a lewd gesture but despite that, Xavier can nearly detect a hint of what sounds like jealousy. If maybe it was anyone but Benji, because that sort of bitter tone doesn’t really fit, doesn’t make sense that Benji would be jealous of Riley. Xavier hasn’t even named the man out loud, but a sunny memory of the golden skinned surfer fills his mind, a pedestal unfortunately stacked underneath him.

“Okay, yeah, he kissed me and—and—alright, other stuff?” Xavier laughs, throwing hands in the air, smiling ear to ear. “I was twenty-two.”

“What was he like then?” There is that note again. Xavier gets a funny feeling Riley and Benji wouldn’t get along.

“Mean.” The instant reply makes both of them grin at each other, like this is a new found inside joke and that warms every part of Xavier as if he’s a pad of butter in a very hot pan. “Maybe I’m just sort of into guys that are a little mean to me.”

Benji grins, his lip a curling sneer of it, brows pinched in. His eyes, beautiful and brown and tired, narrow with meaning. Xavier can only smile back, a complete contrast; wide and happy and toothy, with a canine snagging on his lower lip, creating a dimple that Benji stares at. They both stare at each others mouths like complete fools.

Then the door to the room bursts open and Mouse tumbles in, sighing dramatically.

“The drive here was so fucking awful and I hate San Fran traffic so fucking much and I hate this recording studio—you know the owner is such a creep and he leers at Matilda, you’d think Bunny would cut off his balls over it already except Matilda is in that I can handle myself phase—you know if I had an insane, scary dad I would sick them on every creepy music producer alive,” she shouts this all in one giant string, fists at her side.

If she’s shocked to find Xavier, she doesn’t show it with anything more than a disgusted and brief look before it changes to excitement as it lands on Benji.

“Hey, I missed you,” she says, entering the room further. Her eyes land on the bag of chips they’d been warring over. She snatches the bag, popping it open with a fist to the side of it, a loud pop filling the room. “Oh, barbecue, my favorite.”

Both Xavier and Mouse are then shocked—and delighted—by the absolute outburst of laughter from Benji, who has to clutch his sides.

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Photographer (3) Masterlist

part one, part two

A Model Relationship. (ao3) - JenCollins

Summary: Model!Dan and Photographer!Phil. After yet another session Phil have a serious question to ask Dan.

Advent Calendar 2020 (ao3) - Phantje

Summary: Dan is a single father to his son Mes. When Mes does not go to Dan's best friend Meggie's nursery, he tags along to Dan's photography studio. With Mes, the studio, and his film-review-blog, Dan is certainly busy, and yet finds time to be a little lonely - he is skilled like that. Dan's life seems to suddenly start spinning when he rescues a client from a malicious photo booth.

Phil is the co-founder of the IRL store, but wants to start working to meet new people and to fill his days. That has nothing to do whatsoever with him pining after the mysterious blogger, and he isn't even really all that lonely, actually.

Phil starts working at a nursery, makes a new friend, and gets more than he bargained for in falling in love with the photographer.

Aesthetics - flowers-and-colored-hair

Summary: Funded by Phil's family money, Dam runs a pretentious aesthetic porn blog. One day, he gets an idea for a photoshoot, and he needs Phil's help to do it, or more specifically, Phil's mouth.

Black Velvet (ao3) - Nefertiti1052 (Succubusphan)

Summary: Phil is a successful photographer who just landed a photo shoot with his muse: Rupaul’s Drag Race winner, Obsidian Rose. Will he be able to win a place in her heart as well?

desert all your past lives (ao3) - vinastories

Summary: the one where dan is a model, phil is a photographer, and they both seem to run away from their problems all too often.

Flashes of Innocence (ao3) - yiffandquiff

Summary: Phil Lester was an aspiring photographer, trying to fine tune his skills in a black and white photography class. Cue Daniel Howell, the attractive male that walks in one day and captures Phil’s eyes. But Dan has a small secret, he needs help. He runs a Tumblr blog and he needs someone to shoot his photos for him. But there’s a catch that Phil doesn’t know right away. Dan runs a NSFW porn blog and he’s asking Phil to help him recreate authentic photos.

I want to shine in your eyes (like the stars do) (ao3) - Antisocialbutterflie

Summary: Phil wants to try something new and Dan just might like it

Living is Easy with My Eyes Closed (ao3) - TheUKAmazingDan

Summary: September 19, 1976

Dan Howell liked pretty things and a pretty guy, but not the one who was interested in him. No, Dan was infatuated with someone he couldn't have.

oh you got me shaking (ao3) - chickenfree

Summary: Usually if the models talk to him, it’s just – them asking questions, Phil joking about how he doesn’t really know what he’s doing, even as he directs them.

They don’t try to argue with him, usually.

Pictures Of You (ao3) - CanDanAndPhilNot (enbycalhoun)

Summary: Punk Phil and (softish) Dan find out they are roommates after a couple stressful encounters.

Smile Even Though You're Sad (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: dan is the son of a rich man, unwillingly studying business in London who wanders into a gallery looking for some quiet, and instead finds the happy-go-lucky owner with a camera around his neck, the nicest smile he’s ever seen and a knack for knowing exactly what to say.

so damn pretty (ao3) - silentdescant

Summary: They’ve got a sort of partnership.

It mostly consists of Dan looking beautiful and Phil snapping photos while trying to keep his drool inside his mouth and therefore unnoticeable.

Sparkles (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Dan gets to take photos of the cute boy in the Pride Parade, who seems to be entirely made out of confetti and glitter and pretty blue eyes.

Take a Picture (It'll Last Longer) (ao3) - phantasticworks (steddieworks)

Summary. Dan and Phil meet at 2 a.m. in a coffee shop. Phil is a photographer looking for a model, and Dan can't say no to pretty boys.

the boy from singapore (ao3) - larry_hystereks

Summary: phil hasn't taken a decent picture in years, but after meeting dan, a struggling artist halfway across the world, he finds himself inspired and completely, utterly enamored.

The Cherry Blossom Secret (ao3) - BlueFox1319

Summary: A secret lies in this hideaway, for when an almost mad artist and a grief ridden photographer meet.

Their worlds could either wilt or bloom with unknowing enchantment.

Twenty-four hours away (ao3) - Miahxbee

Summary: Phil is on his way home to his girlfriend when he meets a stranger who seems to steal his heart.

We made these memories for ourselves (ao3) - jestbee

Summary: An epilogue for Forever Frozen Still

Work It, Baby (ao3) - alphapavlikovsky (orphan_account)

Summary: “Could you please do me a favour, Phil?” Dan asked, taking his eyes away from his phone for a moment to look at his best friend. “I was thinking of doing a photoshoot, would you mind being my photographer? I can pay..”.

“Sure Dan, I have time tomorrow if that’s good for you?” Phil replied, entering it into his work diary. He enjoyed having Dan as a model so he would love doing a photoshoot specifically where he could take photos of Dan without seeming weird.

Except maybe Phil should have asked what kind of photoshoot it would be. He was about to get a shock.

[96dys]

THE FLOOD ; jaehyun

there you remained, left in the dust. doyoung was your best friend through high school, but you quickly learned that keeping his company came with a price. though you cared for him deeply, nothing would come before his dream. and no matter how hard you tried to paint yourself into the perfect picture of his future he had etched into his brain, it would all be in vain. you even begged your mother to enroll you in guitar classes, but it was no use. it felt like the harder you tried, the more invisible you became. you died a little inside the day he left for good. a joint tour wasn’t going to rectify that.

jaehyun saw you. no matter how many times you lashed out, he saw you for what you are: a sad girl that is tired of trying to use band aids to repair a large gash. there was a brief period where he tried so hard to let you go for the sake of his bandmate, but he quickly realized doyoung was going to act the way he wanted to no matter how close jaehyun wished to be to you. he didn’t care anymore; he cared about music and he cared about you.

pop punk band!au

taglist: @hwangful

prologue

01 | friends and alibis

"hey, you guys can hand me anything you're not taking on the bus with you. i can put everything in the hatch if you guys can handle staying out of trouble for like ten minutes," mark informed you. you watched as he dropped to his knees on the asphalt beside the large tour bus and fiddled with the hatch for a few moments. finally it swung open, causing him to smile smugly to himself. "that's literally all i need you to do; nothing else."

you rose a hand in order to block the bright sunlight from your view as you took in the sight before you. you had to squint a little to make out each and every detail, but you were thrilled to see your face plastered onto the side of the large black bus regardless. it didn't really feel like you were looking at yourself, but you had come to accept that the person boomer wished to present to the public was much different to who you were. this was something that had irritated you at first, though you now thrived under such an arrangement. over time, you had come to find that you didn't want the public to get to know you--at least not in the way they knew haechan or johnny. as long as you played the role boomer laid out for you, you were kept a short distance away from the microscope your bandmates often found themselves under. you knew this was because he found your true personality so unbearable it was considered to be bad press no matter what you did, but you would take whatever you could get.

no amount of staring could guard you against to the waves of astonishment that continued to crash into you at the sight of the bus. of course, you had been positioned next to johnny on the very right, as this was often where you were placed in pictures. your choppy black hair cascaded down your shoulders in the rough layers you'd cut yourself, even spilling over onto johnny's denim vest and blocking a couple of the patches. your eyes were rimmed with thick black lines on both the top and the bottom, which was smudged beyond belief and looked as though you had applied it in the dark. you wore a fitted black shirt and a pair of black skinny jeans, as well as your black converse high tops. your shirt had the soles of a pair of feet printed across the front, as well as clown makeup atop the feet. you remembered being so thrilled to wear this shirt in the photoshoot; it took so much energy to stop yourself from bursting into laughter at the clown feet pun every five minutes.

parked directly behind your tour bus was goodbye graceful's. the first thing you noticed was that the image plastered onto the side of the bus was intended to direct all of your attention to doyoung. he was positioned in the middle of the group, which was typical for a lead singer, but the editor had made him significantly bigger than the other members. you wondered who's idea this was; you couldn't imagine even someone like doyoung being so conceited as to request something like that.

"are we even supposed to be here this early? i haven't seen any of the crew yet," you wondered aloud, scanning the area for any of the crew members you had grown so close to over the past year.

"no," he answered simply. "but i got the key from felix and i want to get as much stuff packed as i can before boomer comes to dictate what we can and can't have on the bus."

when he turned to look up at you, those deep brown eyes were filled with an unusual amount of compassion. it was evident that he had yet to get over the conversation you had a couple of days ago. you'd been doing your best to ignore the incident, but it seemed that all this did was cause concern to bubble up inside of him.

leaning over the toilet, one final dry heave wracked your body before you felt it was safe to pick your head up once more. you frowned at the toilet's contents one last time before using the back of your hand to wipe away all of the drool and vomit that has begun to dribble down your chin. this wasn't your proudest moment, but it was one you knew all too well, for no matter how hard you tried, your anxiety always seemed to get the best of you.

as much as you wished you could say you were surprised to hear a loud knocking sound vibrate in your ears, you very little doubt in your mind that your bandmates had heard you expel all of your stomach contents just moments ago. you weren't very good about being quiet and the boys had a tendency to turn down the volume on their video games whenever you excused yourself from the room, so you had a feeling they were eavesdropping, just as they always did. it was typically done more out of curiosity than concern, though there have been instances like this once or twice in the past where your anxiety had upset your stomach so much you were forced to find the nearest bathroom. this time, it was because the tour was quickly approaching and you weren't ready to have to confront those feelings yet.

when you turned your head, you were met with mark's tall figure. he was leaning against the door frame, his arms crossed across his chest as he looked down at you. you could immediately tell that he wasn't angry, but there was a certain fire burning bright in those brown eyes. you knew he had grown to love you dearly in the years you'd been friends, but it always came as a bit of a shock to see just how much.

"no childish shit--what's been up with you lately?"

you let out a weighted sigh and gingerly pulled the toilet lid shut. after taking a moment to gather your thoughts, you wiped your mouth with the back of your hand and slowly rose to your feet. it took but a few seconds for you to plop down on the porcelain. finally you turned to face your friend, who was gazing at you with nothing but concern etched onto his face.

it wasn't the joking kind of worry johnny typically approached your problems with, either; you knew that if mark felt something was worth bringing to you, all three of the boys were collectively worried about your wellbeing.

"i know i don't really talk about my dad with you guys because it's not really a good conversation starter, but you know..." you allowed your voice to trail off at the end of the sentence as you tried to piece together what to say next. this wouldn't be your first time talking about your parents with one of your bandmates and you were certain it wouldn't be the last, but this wasn't something you enjoyed. you preferred to keep things between the four of you as lighthearted as possible, though you were certain now that this moment of weakness was necessary. you knew mark well enough to know that he wasn't going to leave you alone now that he had opened this can of worms. and so you continued, your voice slow and steady. "and i know you think that holding on to my problem with doyoung all these years is so dumb, but it was really hard after my dad passed away. my mom just kind of... checked out, so doyoung was all i really had for a really long time."

you sat there for a moment, silent, unsure of how to proceed. your friend's lips were downturned the slightest bit, as though he knew where you were going with this. you didn't take his lack of response to heart; mark wasn't the most talkative person ever, but he did listen well. you knew that he was soaking up every word that left your mouth in order to put together the best response he possibly could. he was good at that--thinking before he spoke.

"my mom never really understood why i was so depressed for so long. she thought that because doyoung and i were so happy that i must've forgotten my father somehow, that it didn't still hurt me, you know? so, when he left, she expected me to suck it up and get over it. i don't know, maybe it's my fault for making someone else my lifeline, but i couldn't just get over it. he just... left, like i meant nothing. i mean, i know he let me go a long time before his stupid band got signed, but he didn't even say goodbye. years of friendship and i wasn't even worth a simple goodbye. at least when my dad died i didn't have to wake up everyday and question my self worth."

tears began to well up in your eyes, but they remained trapped behind your waterline. you brought a hand up to wipe away the small amount of snot dripping from your nose, unable to look up anymore. instead you kept your eyes trained on the white tile floor. you wondered why it had to be this way, why things always had to be so bad for you. you had everything and still you found something to be unhappy about, someone to pine over. sometimes it felt like you would never be happy no matter how hard the universe was working in your favor.

"(y/n), i really want to apologize for making it seem like your problems are childish or aren't worth the time that you give them. i know i get on you a lot, but that's just because i know you; caught like a fly made you feel better until it didn't. and i know... i know how hard it is for you; i see it with my own two eyes," he confessed.

for the first time since he had met you, it felt like you were being truly honest about your situation and in all truthfulness, he wasn't sure how to handle it. usually, you would do anything to weasel your way out of talking about how you felt, even going as far as making a joke out of your father's suicide. a few years ago on the anniversary of his death, when asked about how you were doing, mark had to watch as you offered a weak smile and joked that your father, of all people, would understand mental illness. unlike your father though, you had added, you were going to stay away from the rope this year. it got to a point where such dark comments didn't phase any of your friends, as this had become the norm. it felt so odd to see such a vulnerable side of you, to see the tears begin to roll down your face in steady streams.

"but you don't understand," you said, using all of your strength not to cry out and disturb johnny and haechan just a few rooms over. a quiet sob wracked your body, rendering you silent for a moment before you opened your mouth to speak once more. "i'm so exhausted of living this way. even when i take my medication everyday like i'm supposed to, the episodes are debilitating. i feel like i have no self control. you know i'm not sleeping anymore? i haven't slept in days because i physically can't; it feel like i shouldn't because i would be wasting my life away if i'm not doing something all the time. and when i'm sad, i'm so fucking sad. sometimes the urge to give up on everything is so strong i'm never sure if i'm going to make it or not."

it was then that he began to understand that this was likely something that had been building up over the past few weeks. within moments he found himself sitting atop the bath mat at your feet, perched up on his knees so that his face is level with yours. knowing you weren't going to willingly meet his gaze, he gently wrapped his slender fingers around your chin, using the least amount of pressure possible to push your head upward. the second he saw those teary eyes meet his own, he let out a heavy sigh.

"hey," he began, using the soft greeting to make sure he had your full attention. when he felt that you were engaged and listening, he continued. "it's going to get better; you have to believe that it will. i know that in the moment it feels like the world is ending, but i promise there are so many great things that are waiting to find you."

"i'll take what i can get at this point," you agreed, sniffling loudly. then, in a very dry tone, you added, "until i fall apart again and none of that matters."

mark suddenly set your bag down. confused, he pulled a flip phone from his back pocket. you'd always found it funny that he'd chosen the crummiest phone possible to deem his work phone, but he always argued that it did everything he needed it to and that it was perfect. the rest of you saw no point in purchasing a second phone; there was a point in time when each of you had kept your old iphone eights for work purposes, but your manager never reached out to any of you. when he needed something he would always text mark, as he had been unofficially deemed the "leader" of chemical corpse. given that he was the most responsible member, it only made sense to go through him before resorting to calling anyone else.

you watched as he flipped it open and stared at the screen for a few moments, furrowing his brows at whatever he had been sent. considering all of your bandmates were in attendance, there were only a handful of people that might need to send something to this phone. the longer he stared, the more certain you became that it had to have been boomer. the older man had a habit of sending the longest paragraph he possibly could at once. you knew from experience that he had likely sent many all at once, as the tiny, beaten up phone could only receive a certain amount of characters per text message.

"boomer says he's on his way, but i'm supposed to tell you that you're gonna be doing some kind of an acoustic cover with jaehyun before the show on saturday. he wants you to record it on your phone and text it to irene so she can edit it," he mumbled as he slowly typed away, hitting some numbers on the keypad numerous times in order to get the correct letter to appear on the small screen. he pointed in your direction for the most fleeting moment before returning to his phone, never once letting his focus waver, as texting took so long already. when he was finally able to push down on the 'send' button, he sighed and looked up at you. at the sight of your obvious discomfort, he shrugged his shoulders. in a calm voice, he tacked on an honest, "this is the first time i'm hearing about it either."

"does jaehyun even sing?" you wondered aloud, scrunching your nose up at the news.

johnny let out a small giggle and passed you one of his suitcases. you held it in your hand as you waited for mark to finish placing your last bag in the luggage space. as you finally handed it to the drummer, johnny opened his mouth once more.

"you know she's not going to."

"i might," you chimed in, your words dripping a thick sarcasm. "i"m supposed to be overjoyed about music now, you know."

"oh god," he murmured, his face contorting in disgust at the idea of you falling in love with music the way the public believed you had recently. though he wouldn't be upset if this were really the case, he knew you weren't at that point yet, and you likely wouldn't be for a while now.

"if he doesn't, i wouldn't mind doing the vocals," haechan spoke from his spot on the curb.

"i'm pretty sure he does," mark responded, placing johnny's black suitcase on top of the large pile that had accumulated. he did his best to organize them in order to fit the last bag inside, but this was a task that was growing increasingly harder the more he tried. "taeyong's their screamer and i haven't heard anything about jungwoo, so it only makes sense that jaehyun does backing vocals."

"wouldn't it make sense to put me with one of the guitarists though? i mean, even if they don't sing, we kind of do the same thing," you asked.

you took johnny's last bag in both hands and slowly set it on the ground next to mark's crouched figure. you then took a few steps back and admired the tour bus in front of you. though you weren't thrilled about the concept of this tour, you couldn't help but smile to yourself. this was the first time your band would have a tour bus all to itself. you had finally made it.

"boomer said he's the only one who wanted to," mark snickered. a small grunt left his lip as he shoved the bag into the small space he had made for it before hastily shutting the hatch. he wasn't sure the bags wouldn't topple out once the hatch is opened again, but he made a mental note not to let him be the one to open it. if he was lucky, he would be able to convince johnny to retrieve the bags when needed. "i'm guessing you're not really a crowd favorite."

"never am," you responded in amusement, unable to keep the corners of your mouth from pulling upward.

"i think it'd be cool if you did something from the new album," haechan suggested, much to johnny's approval.

the bass guitarist nodded in agreement before plopping down next to the singer, the palms of his hands plummeting into the thick grass to keep his body from falling over. he squinted up at you from his spot on the curb and pondered over the question at hand. after a few seconds, he finally had an idea.

"fans really love jamie all over. there's so much emotion there... imagine it acoustic," he said with confidence. you knew that look in his eye all too well--that dreamy, far away look. there was very little doubt in your mind that he was picturing the cover you and jaehyun could produce, one that would likely bring him to tears. jaime all over was one of his favorite songs to come from the band's most recent album, so it would likely mean a lot to him. "i know you don't hate it either, so it's kind of a win-win situation."

"so you're trying to ruin it for me?" you asked through feigned annoyance. you rolled your eyes in a very dramatic, over the top manner. then, you furrowed your brows as a realization dawned upon you. "hold on... if this is my punishment for caught like a fly, doesn't johnny have to collaborate with doyoung or something? i wasn't the one bragging about sleeping with his ex-girlfriend and call me crazy, but i think that was way more impactful than anything i've ever said about goodbye graceful."

still squinting through the bright sunlight, johnny quirked an eyebrow up at you, as if to question the first half of your last statement. you quietly praised his subtlety and rolled your eyes once more, dismissing his silent question. your involvement with the lisa scandal wasn't public knowledge, and you'd like to keep it that way. it wasn't even something you brought up with mark or haechan, though they likely knew enough to put two and two together.

in the moment it felt as though you were getting one over on doyoung, like you had finally won whether he knew it or not. you and your best friend were able to have the woman he cared about most in the world and there was nothing sweeter than knowing she'd drop to her knees at the snap of your fingers. for the two months you spent together, it seemed like the rose colored glasses were glued to your face. when it was all over and you saw clarity once more, your heart sank to your toes. you felt so dirty looking back on the things you had done at her expense, knowing you had no intention to keep her around the way she wanted you to.

"maybe i'm being rewarded for my honesty," johnny joked, choosing to ignore the elephant in the room for your sake. you'd never loved him more than you did in that moment, for he chose to further direct the conversation away from you by turning to haechan and saying, "now i'm not saying we put something together for goodbye graceful, but it wouldn't hurt us to throw them a bone. i know we keep joking about doing that cover of santana's smooth; maybe we can get yuta to track the drums or something."

"he's not really.... interested in us," haechan snickered softly. "maybe if (y/n) asks him, he'll say yes."

mark, from his spot leaning against the bus, rose an eyebrow at this statement as the two boys broke into a fit of laughter before him. he had never been one for gossip, so it wasn't unusual for the man to come up confused when past tales came into play. he only turned his gaze toward you in hopes of an explanation.

"he was so fucking terrible when i met him last year," you explained over the sound of fading laughter. you then rolled your eyes at the memory. "he kept trying to convince me that we were going to hook up at some point. you know, preferably then, but he was sure i was going to find myself in his bed at some point regardless. you could tell he's one of those guys that get off on the chase or whatever, but i'm telling you, he icked me so bad i almost lost it."

"hey, isn't that them?" haechan asked, leaving mark no room to respond.

"looks like some crew members in the car behind them too," mark agreed, accompanying his words with a nod.

looking off to the left, you could see a couple of cars pull into the lot. you were having trouble making out who was who due to the distance, but it appeared that the first car--a small silver honda accord--was packed full with men. as the car grew closer, you could see that jungwoo was sitting in the drivers seat, only recognizable due to his platinum blonde hair. behind them was a large white van, which was no doubt full of crew members. if you had to guess, boomer was sitting somewhere in the middle row of seats praying you and your bandmates hadn't found a way to cause any problems within the time period you were left alone.

"might be time to head inside," you suggested, to which everyone seemed to agree.

-

it only took an hour for you to hear the familiar creak of bus doors pushing themselves open once more. turning to look from your spot at the kitchenette, you were shocked to see all five members of goodbye graceful making their way into your living area, as opposed to your manager. closing the fridge, you made yourself comfortable leaning against the counter. you contemplated sliding into the booth next to johnny, but you were a little nervous to move so freely in front of them. it didn't feel right to be presented with all five men at once, especially when you were their main focus.

"hey beautiful," yuta spoke, his voice a gentle sing-song.

your face scrunched up in disgust at his words, but he could only smirk. he liked winding you up far more than he wanted you, and it was a task that was so easy to accomplish. you were always so animated, it was entertaining to watch you try to force back such vibrant expressions each time he said something.

a flat "hey" was all you managed to get out.

jungwoo and taeyong both waved at you, but neither of them said a word. it was like everyone in the room was in agreement that the less you all spoke, the better. even jaehyun opted out of a verbal greeting in favor of a small smile. doyoung, however, did nothing. he made a clear effort to look anywhere but your figure.

seeing him in person after so many years felt very strange. he looked so different, you were unsure where to begin. his hair was dyed a jet black shade, one that gleamed a pretty blue under the harsh white lights overhead. you always remembered him being so put together, but today he wore nothing other than a white tee shirt, a pair of black sweatpants, and a pair of bedroom slippers. you understood the need for comfort on a day like today, but you would be lying if you said you weren't the slightest bit disappointed that he didn't think to put more effort into the prospect of seeing you again. maybe chose was the better word; you knew it was most likely that someone who cared so much about his appearance had to have made a conscious effort to dress so poorly.

"our manager thought we should come say "hey" to everyone before we pull off the lot, but i thought we should talk about caught like a fly instead," the drummer began, to which your mouth fell agape. this was to serve no purpose other than to stir the pot, that much was clear. even taeyong stood there in a stunned silence, taken aback by what he'd just heard. it seemed that he failed to bring this up to his friends beforehand. "you know, we have a few songs about you too... ours actually made the album though."

you couldn't help but snicker at yuta's snide remark. with wide eyes, your gaze quickly fell upon johnny, your mouth still hanging ajar in that astonished smile. you immediately noted the matching amusement written all over his face. the both of you just stood there for a moment, stunned and unsure how to respond. from the corner of your eye, you could see that even mark had his eyes raised at the group from his spot on the couch. his phone was now nestled into the front pocket of his black skinny jeans as he curiously awaited your reply.

"how many is a few? it's a nine track album and you only wrote eight of them; i'm a little worried," you said finally, an odd mixture of both disbelief and satisfaction laced within your words.

truthfully, you'd already been clued in to the rumors floating about online, which were that goodbye graceful fans felt that the flood was written about you. you could even recall sitting in the living room of johnny's apartment and reading aloud a twitter thread about the situation. it seemed that there were a few lyrics in the song that fans were able to link to your infamous interview, more specifically the lines about how the song's antagonist brought on a pain so deep the narrator had no other option but to leave them behind. in hindsight, no one would've paid a second thought to your interview if you hadn't pushed so hard to upload a song that was so blatantly about doyoung, nor would he have written a song to respond with, but you were still taken aback that he felt this warranted more than one.

"i hope it's not my type," your best friend snickered.

"it doesn't matter which ones; she probably thinks they're all about her anyway," doyoung snapped.

for the first time since the group entered the bus, you allowed your eyes to fall upon the lead singer. you could tell he had already grown sick of the jokes, despite the fact that you and johnny were only able to throw a couple out there before being shut down. his hands were stuffed deep into the pockets of his sweatpants, his head hanging low. you almost had to laugh at the way he was behaving, as it only took him a couple of minutes to decide he was ready to throw a temper tantrum.

"hey, man, that's kind of unnecessary," haechan quickly chimed in. he was sprawled out across the small couch he was sharing with mark, his legs now draped over the brunette's lap. though he had been previously enthralled by whatever he was doing on his phone, he was quick to toss it onto the couch cushions and sit up. he swung his legs over the edge of the seat, planting his feet firmly on the ground before going on to say, "if you're gonna act like that, it would be better if you guys just go."

mark and johnny nodded in unison. you did nothing but watch as doyoung rolled his eyes and turned on his heels. thankfully, the rest of his friends did the same. yuta was quick to shoot you a wink beforehand, that stupid smirk prominent on his face once more.

"not jaehyun; he stays," mark called out as they begun to walk toward the front of the bus. he didn't seem at all confused when he stopped in his tracks. you got the impression that he was waiting for someone to bring up the collaboration, like he wasn't sure how to himself. "you guys have to figure something out for your cover."

"good luck," you heard doyoung grumble angrily as taeyong and jungwoo shooed him out of the bus.

yuta followed suit, but he didn't need the encouragement as much.

"where did you want to talk about it?" jaehyun asked softly.

looking him up and down, you noticed that he too was dressed for comfort, but in a very different way than his lead singer. the bassist wore a pair of grey sweatpants, which he paired with an oversized goodbye graceful hoodie and a pair of slip on vans. you had to admit he looked good. you especially liked his shoes, which were all black aside from the white skulls printed onto the canvas fabric of his sneakers.

"the bunks are fine, i guess," you answered, your voice flat.

you didn't wait for his response, you simply turned to walk the few feet down the little hallway that would lead you to the bunks. though there were only four of you staying on the bus, there were eight bunk beds in total, which left four empty for you to keep whatever belongings you didn't put in the hatch. so far you had but a bookbag, but it was currently sitting atop your bed, as you had yet to sort through everything inside.

"apparently we have to bust ass to put something together before saturday, so it looks like you're just gonna have to camp out here for a couple of days," you then informed him.

you were surprised to look over your shoulder and see him shrug in response, as you had expected a little more resistance from one of doyoung's friends. from what you saw online jaehyun appeared to be the most down to earth, but even you were "less than favorable" (as your mother often put it), so you were a bit surprised to see that he was willing to spend all of his time with you for the next few days. there was a good chunk of time separating thursday and saturday, but he didn't even seem to think twice about it before adding a nod of agreement to his little shrug.

he then sat himself down on the bunk below your own, which was left open due to its vacancy. he lazily shifted himself so that his back was pressed up against the wooden frame, but you noticed that he was very careful not to let his shoes touch the bed in any way. this was something you were grateful for, as boomer had made it a point in the past to inspect the tour bus often to make sure you were all keeping it nice. the last thing you needed was for him to board the bus on your first stop and chastise the four of you for scuff marks on the white sheets.

"do you have an acoustic i can borrow or do i need to run and get mine really quick before we start moving?" the brunette inquired, leaning back against the hard plastic behind him. "i have some stuff in mind, but nothing too serious if you've got any ideas."

"acoustics are the only equipment we keep on board, i'm pretty sure," you responded. after thinking about it for a second, you were able to pinpoint where both of the guitars were. you remembered zipping the case shut and tossing it on one of the couches at the very back of the bus. though you weren't positive what johnny had done with his, you were fairly sure he left it on one of the other three empty bunks. "you can use mine and i'll use johnny's."

he rose his eyebrows at this, but chose to say nothing. though he hadn't the heart to ask, he wondered if you and johnny were really as close as people said. he knew you spent a great deal of time together as bandmates, but he was afraid it might be a little more than that. he'd always thought it was a bit extreme when other bands joked about you sharing a brain, though he found out that afternoon that there was a bit of truth to the rumor. whenever his bandmates spoke to you, you looked to your best friend before responding, and he would always finish your thought for you.

guessing that he was giving you an opening to bring up whatever ideas you may have pertaining to the collaboration, you leaned against the bunks across from him and crossed your arms over your chest. you then opened your mouth to ask, "do you sing at all? haechan said he could do the vocals if need be, but it'd be better if you did. you're kind of what everyone is going to be clicking for."

hearing your proposal, jaehyun scoffed.

"you know, i went to that festival you guys headlined last year--the one where you kept having tech issues and had to leave the stage. i had to listen to tens of thousands of people scream your full name for like half an hour until they brought you back out," he told you. he could tell that this came as a great surprise to you, despite the fact that he was recollecting something you had personally lived through. it was as though the event had never truly registered--at least not in the way he presented it to you. he then went on to say, "the world has a lot of love for you even if you don't love it back, you know."

you were at a loss for words. it wasn't often that people confronted you with such assumptions in real life. the internet was a different story, but this kind of conversation wasn't one you were ready to have in person. this was mainly because you knew he was right, though you didn't want to accept it. somewhere deep in the back of your mind you knew that you were a piece of shit for acting the way you did in spite of all the great opportunities that fell into your lap, and yet you chose to push this realization away. it was so much easier to operate under the idea that the universe had nothing good to offer you. it hurt your heart a lot less.

"you don't know anything about me," you stammered.

for once, you were unable to find a tasteless joke to throw out in your defense.

"personally? no," he quipped. he too crossed his arms over his chest, the leather of his jacket making a shrill crinkling sound as he moved. his head was tilted upward to look you in the eyes, but you refused to make eye contact. he frowned at the sight of this and continued on. "but i do remember that brief period when you put solo music on soundcloud, and i remember friends and alibis. it was my favorite song because it was the most vulnerable; i felt like i was finally getting to know the girl doyoung always talked about every time we went out drinking."

he paused for a moment, watching as your face lit up. it was unclear whether your expression was that of hope, disappointment, or both, but he knew you were taken aback by the idea of doyoung bringing you up every time he got plastered.

"what did he say about me?" you asked this slowly, like you weren't sure you wanted to know the answer.

truthfully, you didn't know that you were ready for the answer. there were days bad news rolled right off of you back because you felt too good to pay it any mind, but you were terrified of the possibility that the very same news could keep you confined to your bed for days. it sometimes got so bad that johnny would use his credit card to pick the lock to your apartment just to check for signs of life after days of radio silence. you were always alive and breathing, but you were hanging on by a thread each and every time.

"that you were a sad girl; that you stayed no matter how invisible he made you. you would blow up his phone begging to see him, but you couldn't give him what he wanted. you couldn't play like taeyong... not then anyway," he confessed, his voice soft and slow. there was a pang of sadness in his heart as your eyes welled up with tears, still focused on the carpeted floor. "i always used to wonder how a girl like you held onto someone like him for so long, but then there was this one night i got high and listened to friends and alibis on a loop and it just... hit me. you think you deserved to be treated that way."

"thanks, but you're not my therapist," you spat, hastily wiping the tears from your cheeks. you knew it was no use trying to keep your composure in front of jaehyun, but you didn't want to walk out into the living area and let all of your friends see you fall apart. instead you opened the curtain to the nearest bunk and plopped down onto the mattress. with your elbows propped up on your knees, you held your head in your hands and let out a shaky sigh. "i don't need to be psychoanalyzed."

"no, you don't, and that's my bad," he admitted. though he wanted to, he thought it would be a bad idea to sit down next to you. instead he merely let out a heavy sigh and added a soft, "but you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. doyoung has always been a piece of shit ever since i've known him and i know first hand that it's not your fault. nothing you could've done would have changed what he did to you."

"they both fucking suck," you muttered angrily, referring to both of the men you've come to blame for your sadness. in one way or another, taeyong was just as responsible as doyoung was. biting back a sob, you wiped your cheeks once more. looking up finally, you met his gaze for the first time ever. there was a distinct softness to those deep brown irises, one you weren't used to seeing from another person. "why have you put up with it for so many years?"

"i just like making music," he answered simply. when he saw that this response dissatisfied you, he went on to shrug and say, "honestly? i didn't really know what i was getting myself into. i remember seeing one of his flyers on my way to school and being so excited that there were other kids into making music. at that point i was spending everyday after school strumming away in my parents garage, so of course i was gonna try out for the cool new rock band in town. i'm at a point now where i can really branch off and do my own thing, but i care about jungwoo too much to officially leave the band. i keep my distance and that's good enough for me."

"really?" you sniffled. you were thankful for his story, as it offered a distraction from the pain in your chest. you would much rather focus on jungwoo's issues than your own, just as much out of curiosity as desperation. "i heard he's worse than i am."

jaehyun shook his head.

"that's just what they want people to think," he replied. you rose an eyebrow at this information, though it really shouldn't have been much of a surprise. he felt that you of all people should know that the press had a tendency to twist the truth until it was unrecognizable. at your unspoken request, he elaborated. "i know it doesn't feel like that long ago, but we were really kids when we hit it big. i was maybe eighteen when we signed onto our first label, so jungwoo was like... seventeen? i think. the first couple of years were hard, you know. that much popularity all at once was really overwhelming. there was no rulebook to go off of, so we had to navigate everything on our own. we just wanted to fit in; we went out to parties and drank a lot because that's what we thought we were supposed to do. honestly, it was really rare that the guys didn't go home with the first girl that gave them any attention. there were some pictures of jungwoo that ended up online and they were... really bad."

"so someone took advantage of him and the media held onto that for dear life," you concluded.

he gave a firm nod before letting out a quiet chuckle.

"i'm honestly surprised they haven't gone after you yet," came his half-hearted joke.

"that's because i can count on one hand the amount of times i've been myself in an interview."

you let out a dry laugh at this statement. it was most likely that this was something he had suspected already, but finally being able to admit it to someone that wasn't a member of your band felt really nice. you understood that letting boomer pull your strings came with its advantages, and yet there was something about being able to actually be yourself around someone new that was really nice. it was really freeing to not have to worry about how the world was going to react to whatever you just said.

"i don't know why you wouldn't more often," he said.

his lips were pulled into a big toothy grin. you tilted your head, trying to find a better understanding of this gesture. it wasn't often that people took so well to you without wanting something in return, so jaehyun was kind of an enigma. you didn't know why he was being so nice to you, and yet there were no signs he was being disingenuous, so there was nothing left to do but wonder.

"we should probably... pick a song to do," you responded quietly, unable to hide the slight discomfort in your voice.

"you pick. i'm kind of a masochist, so i don't mind spending every waking moment for the next two days learning something new."

he still had that dumb smile plastered across his face, one you couldn't help but try to match with a small smile of your own. it wasn't much, but it was more than most people received in that regard.

"that doesn't mean i want to hear it," came the sarcastic remark you chose to reply with.

"you guys can stop flirting now!" you heard johnny call from the living area.

though jaehyun seemed amused by this announcement, you were left unfazed by your nest friend's antics. over the years, you had grown used to the many ways he tried to embarrass you in front of new people, especially those who had taken a particular liking to you.

the worst was when he slid onto the stool next to you at the bar and draped his arm over your shoulder. he then used his free hand to reach for the shot glass sitting in front of you, which he was quick to down. face contorting in disgust at the familiar burn of vodka down his throat, he leaned in close, his head level with your own. he flashed a bright smile at the man you were talking to, a blonde who seemed extremely put off by this display.

"oh my god, dude, she didn't tell you?" he asked loudly, feigning dismay. as you sat there in disgust, he simply pulled you closer. at this point you were nearly seated in his lap, but even drunk he was far too strong for you to see any point in attempting to pull away. and so you let him continue, no matter how much you wanted to punch him in the face. "my sister and i are kind of a package deal, man. you can't take her home unless you're willing to share."

he then placed a hand on your cheek and used a small amount of pressure to force your head to turn toward his and promptly smashed his lips against yours. it was a sloppy, wet kiss, one that made your stomach turn in the worst possible way. when he finally pulled away you were even able to see the thick strings of saliva connecting your mouths. no matter how many times you used the back of your hand to wipe away the remains, you had a hard time shaking that uncomfortable feeling.

needless to say, when you finally turned back around, the man was already turning to walk away.

"seriously, you can pick the stupid song," you said finally, smiling softly at the memory.

you could still recall how upset you were after the incident, something that lasted for nearly a week. every time johnny would walk into the room you made it a point to promptly find somewhere else to be, hoping to make him feel the sting of your pain. it took him five days to realize that you weren't going to let it go without an apology, although he didn't really remember much of what he did to hurt you. apparently he was left in a state of confusion for most of the week before getting the idea to invite haechan over for a gossip session, during which he was clued in to the stunt he pulled. you were so angry for so long, but looking back on it, you felt the desire to laugh.

"i like friends and alibis. we can do that one," was his smug response.

a/n: i want to be really open in disclosing that the main character is implied to have bipolar disorder. it isn’t something i’m currently accepting criticism on, since her traits and experiences in this regard are based off of my own experience as someone with bipolar disorder. i understand that it isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s very therapeutic for me (:

[commajade]

okay so this isn't even a theory this is true and it's that taemin made his extensions look kinda gross on purpose as part of the look and he fully expected and kind of wanted everyone to hate it as part of his "fuck u i do what i want" concept for advice and he was very surprised and a little disappointed that the response he saw was overwhelmingly positive. the gq photoshoot shows that they could've made the extensions look closer to being his actual hair and not like thin and greasy like he chose to make it during advice promotions. in performances and the mv the purpose is to mimic the movement of the straps on his pants as well.

i didn't even like the hair for like 40% of the pictures/angles but the ones where it worked were INCREDIBLE so i love them overall. and that being said the extensions being like that made him look even more like a grungy lesbian as opposed to a conventionally attractive woman which he purposefully avoided with the big shouldered boxy silhouette and punk/goth aesthetic

[20dollarlolita]

hello! so i have this thrifted chiffon blouse that has a good shape and some nice embroidery up top, but the rest of it is very plain and not quite up to lolita standards. i’m at least going to replace the cheap lace on the collar... any other tips on how to alter a blouse to look better with lolita?

So you asked a simple question, and I feel like I'm about to assign you homework, like a teacher or something.

But, if you want to know how to add details that fit into lolita, have you tried mood boarding?

(If you're short on time, zip down to the *** near the bottom, where I start explicitly answering this question)

I'm working on one right now for designing a punk lolita cutsew. Punk lolita is extremely difficult to design for, because the punk aesthetic and the lolita aesthetic are often at odds. The lolita fashion community loves to say "this is a nice outfit but it's not lolita" (which is our right, and I love the fashion for that) and it's a given constant that any punk inspired fashion is going to have someone say, "yeah, that's really not punk". So, I made a mood board to reference and help me make my designs.

I make mood boards pretty much any time I'm designing something and am not going into it completely sure of what I want.

This is a giant mood board, and you obviously don't need to go this far for simple design things like the bottom of a blouse, but here's what I did for this and how I'm using it to help design:

This mood board is divided into five sections, with each section being about 1500px high by 3000px wide.

The sections are, top to bottom:

What cutsews look like, with a focus on brands that listed in the lolita wiki's list of punk brands.

What Google Images thinks "punk fashion" looks like

What Google Images thinks "punk lolita" looks like

What people who know what punk lolita think punk lolita looks like (This all came from the #punklolita tag on Instagram, and is blurred because I didn't ask any of these people if I could use their coord posts. The version I'm working from is not blurred. When I was looking for images in this tag, I filtered out images that clearly were not lolita)

What people who know what punk fashion is think punk fashion is (this is focused on images of bands that made it to wikipedia's "list of punk artists" as well as historical images of punk fashion. I tried to focus on not picking models wearing punk fashion for the sake of a photoshoot)

What is the advantage of this mood board?

First of all, when I made this mood board, I made a point to fill it as full of images as I possibly could. The general rule when you're researching a fashion trend is to research until you think you're done, and then keep going. A lot of the interesting things that I've found come up because I think I've exhausted all my options, but still have room on the board to fill. When I hit that point, I have to change focus slightly and expand or narrow my search terms. When "punk fashion" stopped having good google image results, I'd have to branch out to "punk fashion japan" or "punk -pants" or "rainbow punk" so that I could get more results and fill up the board.

Second of all, when I make my mood board, I only pick images that in some way seem relevant or in some way appeal to me. This means that there's 200 pictures on this board, but I've already looked through a thousand pictures and chosen not to use 800 of them. I can then get to designing and don't lose momentum by having to sort through a bunch of useless images that I don't like. I don't get distracted by having to stop and look up new images. I can just get to work.

Third of all, these were selected to research the overall trend of punk, punk lolita, and lolita cutsews. I already know what lolita looks like, so I don't have a 6th and 7th board section for "things google images thinks lolita looks like" and "things people who wear lolita think lolita looks like." These sections were largely selected independently of each other. When I was researching punk, I wasn't thinking about cutsews, and when I was researching cutsews by punk lolita brands, I wasn't really thinking about mainstream punk. I get useful results by searching the three terms (punk, lolita, cutsew) separately and then merging them in my head. If I have to find existing things that merge the three, I find fewer options, and I feel like I'm stealing existing designs.

Now, two out of my five sections are things that aren't really good examples of punk, lolita, or punk lolita. Why are they there? What was the point of just using google images and getting the wrong idea?

Well, general google searching is really bad for getting a specific thing correct, but it's very good at getting a general sense of what the general population thinks of when they think of that search term. People who might not know what punk fashion is sure think it involves a lot of tartan, grommets and straps, denim vests, and leather jackets. People who might not know what punk lolita is sure like that half skirt over a skirt made of ruffles, and they probably think it should be pink or red tartan.

So, I can look at my emic research that was made by people who actually know punk and/or lolita, but remember that I can fall back on leather straps and tartan skirts if it really just isn't ringing as punk lolita.

And then I can start merging things. I like cutsews with puffed sleeves. They're easy to sew. There's cutsews on my board that have puffed sleeves. However, when I look at the other four parts of the board, I see almost zero puffed sleeves. Therefore, even though I can conclude that a cutsew with puffed sleeves will ring true as a lolita cutsew, it will not seem particularly punk or particularly punk lolita. I can use this to fact-check all of my design decisions. I'm definitely allowed to deviate from the board, and design my own stuff if it looks good, but having this information available in one place can really help me if I get stuck.

Remember that we're more creative if we limit our focus to a smaller section of the subject than try to tackle the whole thing at once. It's why designers make collections instead of just designing individual pieces: making variations on a theme lets you pick variations that you wouldn't normally use. It's also the thing that makes lolita fashion so exciting to me; the Big Bad Rules of Lolita mean that making a coordinate is like filling out the pieces of a puzzle. The rules don't stifle our creativity; they make people find a new way to be creative.

***

***

Okay, Anon, but to answer your question, I made a smaller and much faster board.

What I did here was go to lolibrary, set the category to blouse, and then did a search for "chiffon". After I'd found about 8 images, I set a new search for blouse>"embroidery". Since I don't know what your blouse looks like, apart from that, I stopped there. If I was doing this for reals, I'd also go through the general blouse category and select any blouse that kind of looked like the one we're modifying. If it's got the same collar, grab blouses with that collar, and then see how different designers built the bottom half of blouses with that collar.

I'd also go through Instagram's tags (depending on the blouse, #classicallolita or #sweetlolita) and add pictures of people wearing chiffon blouses with skirts (I'm assuming that you're going to be wearing this with a skirt, since you're concerned about the bottom). I'd also check out taobao resale sites (devilinspired is so useful for research of what small brands are carrying, which is nice because they're useless to actually order from so it's handy that they have some purpose; my-lolita-dress falls into the same category of "great for research and otherwise useless"). These sites are good for research because they often have coordinate pictures to accompany a listing. Coordinate pictures that show how a garment is worn in the context of a full outfit are always more useful than pictures of the garment alone.

Just remember that, if you're using coord pictures without permission, that mood board better not leave your computer uncensored, because it's really not great to repost coords without asking, and it's against the rules of a lot of coord groups. Also, if you're using coord pictures as references, make sure you're not copying the entire coord. In this case, you'd be looking at how the bottom of the blouse interacts with the JSK or skirt that it's worn with. You can focus on the difference between how tucked-in blouses work with how tucked-out blouses function. You don't need to be copying someone's sock and headbow choices if you're just researching the bottom half of a blouse.

Once you know what you want to make, you just need to research the individual techniques for how to execute that. That can be a whole other ball game, but having a design to start from makes everything easier.

Edit: holy cow you said this off anon and I just assumed it was anon. My apologies for calling you anon!

[percabethfeelsfandom]

Headcanons: Percy and Annabeth as Tik Tokers Part 3

Part 1

Part 2

I never mentioned what Percy and Annabeth’s users would be. Annabethchase1207 + perSEAus

- Annabeth would have a really basic username because she made the account ironically hence why it’s just her name and birthday 

- Percy definitely would make a joke out of his user so that’s my take on it

Back in Cali, Annabeth’s friends are literally about to riot because they aren’t there live to witness percabeth happening

(They’re all avid tik tok users and they’ve started a house/tik tok group called Olympus because Piper did a series where she turned all her friends into different greek gods/goddeses )

Leo makes tik toks about making little inventions/DIYs that are actually useful but his viral video/series was him making his own Iron Man suit, he also does random rants and skits that are half in English half in Spanish because he’s so exasperated at the stupidity of people (Piper turned him into Hephaestus)

Jason doesn’t post as frequently on tik tok but he’s made a handful of his sporting highlights and trick shots he’s done over the years as a prodigy sports kid. Prior to piper’s request he also has done Pov’s with her. His viral tik tok is of him with a staff and doing cool transitions with it as he spins It (imagine him spinning it normally and he’s wearing normal training clothes and then the next spin, he’s in like a suit and the lights go all low and shit and his eyes glow blue) (Piper turns him into Zeus, but she also turns him into Apollo at one point so he can match Thalia) 

Thalia owns punk/goth lesbian tik tok. She’s a pioneer in the LGBTQ+ tik tok community. Going on rants shutting down men who have the audacity. She cosplays as well, and her history in archery means people are always asking her to cosplay as Katniss. She’s always changing her hair colour like every month, but right now It’s a dark blue that looks almost black. as annabeth’s best friend she is also a frequent in annabeth’s tik toks, but only to provide sarcastic commentary. You can also find her lurking on Percy’s comment section providing feedback on his skateboarding tricks (you bet that these two have been DMing back and forth) (piper turns her into Artemis) (Thalia’s girlfriend Reyna is also a frequent appearance in her tik toks, and you can see just how easily Thalia melts in front of the camera when Reyna’s there, it’s so sweet it could give you a toothache) 

Last not not least miss Piper Mclean, daughter of the ever famous Tristan mclean, but manages to make a name for herself by being so amazingly talented as a stylist, makeup artist, and editor. She’s worked with so many famous youtubers and photographers. She makes her tik tok as a place for her to just shut her brain off but it becomes a super easy comfort escape where she can trial some new makeup looks, and new fashion pieces, and POVs (shoutout to @ myangels.percabeth on insta for commenting this on my instagram)  while also showing people how to thrift in LA and do fun photoshoots at home, a queen of self care, and body positivity (she transforms herself into Aphrodite but makes it this huge collaboration with tons of different artists on the app so with each makeup transition it’s a different person because aphrodite can look like anyone…like it starts with piper putting on foundation she turns her head and it’s someone else putting on blush etc. and finishes off with piper again and winking at the camera in full greek goddess glam) 

(piper also transforms Annabeth into Athena and Percy comments on it with 👁👄👁)

When Annabeth and Percy re-emerge from the library and make it back to the hotel she’s staying at they finally check their phones and see that they’ve gone viral (again) 

They decide not to address the rumours because, it’s not the internets business’ to know (AS IT SHOULD BE) 

They spend that week almost completely absent from social media because they want to have something that is just completely theirs. (But there are two posts worth noting, one on annabeth’s infrequently used instagram of someone’s (Percy’s) silhouette and the New York skyline the night before she leaves and a picture of Percy’s pinky wrapped around someones (annabeths) pinky on his stories that is deleted after an hour (but not before the entire internet finds it and it becomes the new standard of what people want in their relationship) (I can already see the tweets #goals finD mE a MaN tHAt hoLDS mY piNKY) 

Eventually Annabeth has to go back to cali and percy stays in NY 

They exchange their goodbyes between short kisses, promises to FaceTime each other soon and promises of building something permanent 

They begin a secret (not so secret) relationship long distance 

They continue duetting each other’s videos and mentioning each other offhandedly in their tik toks

Percy starts a YouTube channel and his first video is a proper vlog of his and annabeth’s adventures together 

(It’s a sweet 1 month anniversary gift to her but only they know that) 

Annabeth starts to post less and less on her tik tok because of school (at least that’s what she tells her followers but really she’s losing touch with her love of the internet because of how intrusive it is and also she’s trying to heal her relationship with her family so that’s taking all her energy. She leaves the Olympus house but keeps in touch with them (obviously, she grew up with them so that’s a no brainer) 

Once she’s posting less, people begin to (finally) lose interest in percabeth so that they can live their life. Percy keeps posting his usual videos but he’s starting to get caught up with YouTube, and starts getting some amazing brand deals and he uses it all to help get his family a house that is their own, (“Surprising my amazing mom with her dream house”) 

On Annabeth’s birthday the next year percy surprises her at cali and the rumours about them start up as she appears more in his socials and vice versa 

One thing leads to another and they accidentally out their relationship when annabeth’s phone is in the background of Percy’s (“surprising my best friend in California”) video and there’s a picture of percy kissing her cheek in a coupley way as her wallpaper

They take it in stride rather than denying (because why would they) and say yeah we’ve been dating lol, we’ve been dating for a while now 

And on some internet awards show they win couple of the year 

Because that’s what percabeth deserves

[xnchxntmxnt]

This is my first time ever doing an event so if I put this in the wrong spot I am soooooooo sorry.

Alex

She/her/hers

Virgo

Male but if you really feel female that’s totally cool

I’d describe myself as shy until you know me then I’m weird, I tend to really worry about what people say so putting myself out their can be hard but I’m a super touchy person once I know you

I love photography, reading and cooking/baking

In a partner I want someone who understands that I have bad days/weeks, someone who is funny and honest A big deal breaker would be if they don’t have any respect for those around them and cheating

I switch from wearing all black or dark colors to pretty sundress with bright colors. I love steam punk style and totally wish I could pull it off

The colors that best describe me are probably yellows and blues. And my favorite color is purple

Top 3 songs right now are Just like fire, Vices, and Play with Fire. My music taste varies a lot but my favorite artists are Panic at the Disco, Black Veil Brides, and Pink

Thank you for your writing. Also CONGRATULATIONS!

@maleficents-minion

You did everything great! No worries, that’s exactly how you do this! Thank you for participating & thank you for the congrats! I’m glad you like my writing :)

After reading, I’m gonna put you with…

✧ 𝑌𝑎𝑚𝑎𝑔𝑢𝑐ℎ𝑖 𝑇𝑎𝑑𝑎𝑠ℎ𝑖 ✧

God ur lucky I love this man anyways

✧ 𝐻𝑜𝑤 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑀𝑒𝑡 ✧

Okay, consider,,, Yamaguchi + photography

I can so totally imagine this heads up like

It’s perfect if I do say so myself

He was thrilled because he got a camera he’d been saving for years

This dude was so smiley and couldn’t shut up about the camera

He and Tsukki went to a park to get pictures of the cherry blossoms while they were in bloom because he always thought they were beautiful

When he was there he saw you in his camera for a second, just walking by

He almost dropped the camera jfc

He was like ASDFGHJKL TSUKKI PRETTY GIRL

Tsukki laughed at him like

“Talk to her dummy I’ll hold your camera”

“I CAN’T TALK TO HER SHES TO PRETTY”

“I think she heard you”

He goes BRIGHT RED and just whips around

A couple of feet away you’re staring at the ground, also red, but smiling nevertheless

So he does

He goes over to talk to you and he’s awkward and blushy and smiley but the awkwardness is kinda charming

He tries apologizing and you’re like “no it was kinda cute”

Which makes him more embarrassed but still smiley

You two spend a while talking before Tsukki gets bored and walks over to him and is like “so did you get her number yet” and the process starts all over again

Safe to say, the two of you ended up seeing each other again

✧ 𝐺𝑒𝑛𝑒𝑟𝑎𝑙 𝐻𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑠 ✧

Because of how you two met, he calls you his cherry blossom I don’t make the rules (i mean I do but--)

He’s your strawberry

He does the little nose rub thingy a lot

He’ll get excited and he’s lean his forehead against yours, then bump your nose with his, then kiss the end of your nose

Call you beautiful if he’s in a sappy mood

Okay okay consider

E y e l i d k i s s e s

He loves it when you count his freckles

Like he’ll just stare lovingly at you as you ghost your finger over his cheek

Making little constellations or doodles like connecting the dots

He just stares at you with the biggest heart eyes ever

He’s so in love

He’ll love to read with you

Read to him

He’ll read to you

You two can sit with music on and just read your own books and just vibe

Growing up with Tsukki he’s not used to quiet there’s always music on whenever you do anything

Including baking

He’ll steal you away while you’re covered in flour & other things and pull you in and dance with you

He’ll sneak up behind you and snitch food

Sometime’s he’ll help but he likes seeing you so passionate about baking

Honey if you’re having a bad day, he’s the best

You don’t want to talk to anyone? He’ll leave you to your space. Maybe send you a couple of paragraphs about how much he loves you a couple of hours later

You wanna cuddle up and watch tv? He’s there with your favorite snacks

He finds cherry blossom petals and dries them and givens them to you in a little jar for the ~aesthetic~ but also cause they remind him of you

Am I imagining him giving you a jar of petals with a ring at the bottom to propose to you? Not at all why do you ask

you r best bet is just

Love him

Love him a lot

Give him the validation and support he needs and he’ll give it back tenfold

He loves you so much, just love him in return and you’ll be happy forever

✧ 𝐴 𝐷𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝑊𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑇𝑎𝑑𝑎𝑠ℎ𝑖 ✧

P I C N I C S

He’s so sappy sometimes but it’s so endearing

For an anniversary or something, he’ll take you to the park where you met and you’ll have a little picnic

Especially during the evening so you can take pictures

He offers to give you a little photoshoot during the sunset

And you accept under the condition that you get to take pictures of him too

So you do and a picture of you becomes his home screen for a long time (it’s always different pictures of you though)

You watch the stars after the sun goes down, talking about anything and everything

It started with him with his head in your lap and you playing with his hair

Then eventually you laid down too and managed to wind up with your head against his chest and curled up against him all comfy

✧ 𝑍𝑜𝑑𝑖𝑎𝑐 𝐶𝑜𝑚𝑝𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑏𝑖𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑦 ✧

Geminis are very good communicators, which sparks curiosity about Scorpio’s personality (who are not as much so). They’re very good at sparking new ideas and developing them further together. With good communication, they can be a very good fit for each other. Both signs’ egos and pride can become a problem, but if kept in check, it could be a good relationship.

I feel bad there wasn’t a lot of information I could find supporting gemini+scorpio relationships but I said I will go down with this ship so here we are

✧ 𝑌𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝐴𝑒𝑠𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑡𝑖𝑐 ✧

You gave me a lot of different ideas and I totally love steampunk! You could totally pull it off. But I think this sums you two up well...

✧ 𝑃𝑙𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑖𝑠𝑡 ✧

Tadashi gives me more chill, bedroom pop/acoustic music vibes, so I tried to find a combination you could both enjoy. Also, I listen to similar music, good choices :)

Cover Me In Sunshine - P!nk

Iris - Sleeping With Sirens

Nine In The Afternoon - Panic! At The Disco

Northern Downpour - Panic! At The Disco

If I’m Lucky - State Champs

Somewhere In Neverland (Acoustic) - All Time Low

Runners up - Azumane Asahi, Sawamura Daichi

[kate-likes-this]

Pedro for So It Goes (09-16/16)

By David Benioff • Photographer: Victoria Stevens • Styling: Ashley Pruitt • Grooming: KC Fee  Related: photoshoot / list of articles 

We jumped at the chance to listen in as Game of Thrones co-creator David Benioff got the low-down from actor Pedro Pascal ahead of the launch of Season 2 of Narcos on Netflix. The pair let us in on how Pascal ended up on Game of Thrones, walking the line between reality and fiction in Narcos and working on upcoming Chinese epic The Great Wall.

DAVID: Hi Pedro. So what’s the best way for us to destroy your career once and for all?

PEDRO: I figured you would know, that’s why I asked you to do this interview.

DAVID: I feel like some good anti-semitic commentary could do it.

PEDRO: I’ll leave that to you.

DAVID: I can’t do it, I’m Jewish! Shall we begin at the beginning, Pedro? Tell me – how did you escape from Orange County?

PEDRO: Well we moved there in ’86 or’ 87, I was turning 12 and I had to attend Corona del Mar High School from 7th to 12th grade. I don’t know how else to tell it other than the 7th and 8th grade being truly dark years in sunny Orange County –  which inspired a blossoming drama nerd. After the 8th grade, I just didn’t fit in. My sister did though.

DAVID: I know your sister, she’s really fun and cool.

PEDRO: I wasn’t fun and cool. Or I just didn’t know how to fake it yet.

DAVID: I’m picturing one of those California schools where everyone’s beautiful, and everyone’s tanned and you – were you a punk rocker back then?

PEDRO: No, I was just the kid crying because, like, Empire of The Sun didn’t get nominated for Best Picture… everyone was like, ‘What the fuck is wrong with you?’

DAVID: Which is a crime, by the way, it’s one of Spielberg’s best movies.

PEDRO: I was the one buying the soundtrack, and people would catch me on my walkman listening to that weird Danish song from Empire of The Sun. So my mom found out about a performing arts programme – Orange County School of the Arts – that you had to audition to get in. I ended up going to high school in Long Beach and commuting like 40 minutes every day and essentially spending four years outside of Newport Beach in a more middle-class kind of environment. I got into NYU – I begged my parents to let me go, and I won that fight so I ended up in New York in ’93 and sort of got stuck here.

DAVID: So what happened in ’93? You started getting jobs, did you get an agent quickly? What was the path?

PEDRO: I started auditioning right away and I signed with some representation while I was in school. I graduated and I didn’t get hired for anything at all – I was a waiter, I was getting fired left and right. Despite not fitting in in Orange County, it had definitely made me quite sheltered. Seriously, I got fired from maybe 17 places in about a year and a half.

DAVID: All restaurants?

PEDRO: Restaurants, cafés, coffee shops…

DAVID: Was it incompetence, or being rude to management, or showing up late? What got you canned?

PEDRO: All of the above. Incompetence mostly.

DAVID: And was it around this time that you met Sarah Paulson [American Horror Story]?

PEDRO: Yeah, she was one of my first friends in New York. That’s where I was really lucky, in New York I made a sort of family of friends right away. It definitely built a great foundation in New York City and they’re still my friends to this day.

DAVID: So, aside from Christian Bale in Empire, who were the people you were watching and thinking, ‘Fuck, I wanna be like that guy?’

PEDRO: I was watching everything. I started to consume voraciously very early as a viewer and a reader. It’s funny, as an actor, once you get some exposure people ask you what are your interests? What do you do? And you feel like such a loser, because you’re like I don’t do anything! I’m not athletic, I haven’t developed any intense interest in, like, scuba diving, or spelunking – I still just watch TV and read books and that’s how I was as a kid. When I couldn’t make friends in Orange County, I started reading and renting videos voraciously. And I got into the classics, I had an early obsession with Marlon Brando, James Dean, and reading American and English playwrights, like Pinter. Which, come on, I didn’t understand at all. But it was still very entertaining to imagine myself as one of the characters on the stage. So Empire of the Sun was only one of a basket of Spielberg movies that totally shaped my imagination.

DAVID: Are you campaigning for a job with Stephen Spielberg right now, or…?

PEDRO: (laughs) Definitely

DAVID: Nah, after he hears the anti-Jewish stuff, it’s over. Not gonna happen dude.

PEDRO: Just keep trying to force anti-semitism on me.

DAVID: So now, you’re in New York, getting fired from 17 different restaurants. What was your first big acting break?

PEDRO: That’s what’s funny, I never got a big acting break I guess, in the way that that seems to be understood by the general public. I stuck it out in the theatre and wanted to follow in the footsteps of the people I was inspired by. I was attached to the idea of someone who came from New York theatre – Al Pacino, Meryl Streep, Robert DeNiro, that whole crew. Unfortunately that romanticism kept me in New York, killing myself trying to pay rent. Finally I got an off Broadway play at Theatre Club – where your wife, Amanda Peet, had her play introduced. I’d say that I stopped waiting tables by the time I was 30? Kept things going, did all the Law & Orders, all the cop shows, The Good Wife, and managed with cheap rent to keep the theatre thing going.

Listen, David, I become very inarticulate talking to you because I know you’re smarter than me. It was a big mistake to have this interview. In fact I’d like to cancel it right now and get someone else. Can we get Dan [Weiss, Game of Thrones]? Wait no, get me one of the kids. (laughs)

DAVID: Anyway, as this is happening… do you have some friends who are starting to succeed or fall by the wayside?

PEDRO: Well, Sarah [Paulson] was one. She got her first job and she never really stopped. She got a guest spot on Law & Order which amazed all of us – we couldn’t believe it. To me that was a very early success that I envied and that inspired me, but I bet if you talked to her she’d say things are finally coming together this year. Which is insane, but I bet that’s how it feels. My first off Broadway play in New York was with Oscar Isaac, freshly out of Juilliard. He seemed like a comet to me, totally leaving me behind. Shooting with Leo DiCaprio, Ridley Scott, then you talk to him now as well and he’s like, ‘Yeah, this year things are coming together.’ This is going to sound so corny but it’s extremely comforting when people you care about are successful. Whether it’s happening to you or not, it feels good when it’s happening for someone you love and respect.

DAVID: Gore Vidal said, ‘A little part of me dies every time a friend succeeds.’

PEDRO: Yeah, but not the two friends I mentioned. (laughs)

DAVID: Did you ever have doubts? Did you think about going and doing something else?

PEDRO: I think it came down to a very simple thing – realising that I’d stuck at something for so long, I’d made the grind and the uncertainty into a familiar thing and it wasn’t too scary any more. The desire to do it started to shape my identity at such an early age, starting with that childhood fantasy of wanting to be in a Spielberg movie – literally lying and telling people that I was the silhouette of Christian Bale in the Empire of the Sun poster. Which is part of why I didn’t make friends.

I started to realise that I didn’t know how to do anything else… That I was fated to be that 73-year-old in the Law & Order casting room furiously trying to remember the words for a 4-line role. That still very well could be me.

DAVID: How did this Game of Thrones thing come about? The people want to know. It’s an interesting story.

PEDRO: I was helping this kid that I was mentoring, and he put himself on tape for this amazing part on your show, which I was already watching. I was initially curious because the script contained one of the most important spoilers for most of us. Some of us kept punishing ourselves by watching your show to see if something terrible would happen to Joffrey. But I had that satisfaction ripped away from me when I was helping this kid tape and reading for Oberyn. As I kept reading, it’s embarrassing to admit, but I connected to it so completely that it lit this crazy fire in me. I felt instantly attached to the character so I was totally focussed on my representatives getting me the material and taping an audition. I was pretty convinced that because I wasn’t known and didn’t have a European passport, that there was no chance. So I called the first friend I made when I moved to New York and was 18-years-old, Sarah Paulson, one of my closest friends, who is best friends with your wife Amanda. I called her and told her that I’d just put myself on tape for this part that no one’s gonna see. She didn’t even let me finish asking – she insisted that I send her the audition and she and Amanda showed it to you that night.

DAVID: Even after we hired you, you didn’t believe you had the part? I kept hearing back from Sarah [Paulson] – ‘He doesn’t think he has the part.’ We were flying you to Belfast for a costume fitting and you still didn’t believe it.

PEDRO: This is great because it backs up my story… no one had told me! Maybe my agents were nervous, I obviously was nervous and I found it a little hard to believe. Having been in the game as long as I have, there have been a lot of close calls and I could tell the good ones from the bad. And the kind of parts that could change things. It obviously had so much to do with how popular the show is, but it was such a good part – thrilling and terrifying at the same time to be able to get a part that good. They don’t come around very often.

DAVID: There’s no one like Oberyn on the show and he does his own thing. That was something you brought beautifully to it. When you came to that first meeting, you still didn’t think you had the part and I guess we hadn’t signed the deal yet but you would’ve had to get up, pull your pants down, and shit on the desk not to get that part because the audition was so strong. I was still hearing through Sarah that you didn’t think you had it…

PEDRO: Come to think of it, I did pull down my pants and shit on the desk.

DAVID: We weren’t going to tell that story though…

PEDRO: When you sent me to London and were pouring goop on my head and making a cast of my shoulders, head, face, I still didn’t believe 100% that I had gotten the part.

DAVID: You did get the part. What was your first scene?

PEDRO: My first scene was with Peter [Dinklage]…

DAVID: I remember we were shooting abroad and I was watching the dailies so I emailed you and you were like, ‘Thank god, I thought I totally blew it.’ Maybe that’s your secret – if you ever realise how good you are, it’ll ruin you.

PEDRO: I still don’t believe you and it’s an illness – a psychological illness. I remember panicking a bit on my first day because there wasn’t any way I could fulfill the potential of that scene having come to it so early and then you emailed me. You didn’t say ‘great job’ but I’d say you’re a pretty busy man with a pretty large cast and complicated locations and you took the time to write me a very generous note that settled me into the whole experience. I’m very grateful.

DAVID: Well I know it can be intimidating working with Peter. People don’t know about his violent side…

PEDRO: It’s tough when he throws benches at you and stuff like that.

DAVID: So moving on into the real life drama of Narcos. How did that come about? Did Eric Newman just see Game of Thrones and think, ‘Shit, I need that guy,’ or did you audition?

PEDRO: I think someone at Netflix saw the scene that we just talked about. Eric, our executive producer on Narcos, was initially extremely disappointed that I was available. He, anticipating the big fight with the Mountain while trying to cast his show, was extremely upset that I was available to play Javier Peña. A bit of a spoiler. It came at me very fast and it was the first time I’d been offered something without having to audition for it. There was only about 12 hours to decide whether to do it.

DAVID: How closely does your character adhere to the real life person [DEA Agent, Javier] Peña?

PEDRO: I think he actively keeps his real experience there secret – whether that’s because he did more than what we’re telling? Or less? I want to be able to interpret a character that was actually there on my own terms as much as possible. The things that are the most interesting to me, and the audience, are ways to move through [the story] with more ambiguity; without seeing things in black and white. More than good guys fighting bad buys. With the show, they’re making a very authentic visual experience. In the playing of it, you’re very much a piece in this visual landscape and I think you would stand out if you tried to control it.

DAVID: Have you ever gotten feedback from him and he’s like, ‘Oh, I’d never smoke with my left hand,’ or something like that? Or is he hands-off?

PEDRO: He’s totally hands-off. We call each other and he’ll be like, ‘This cute girl at the Mac store asked me if I could give you her number when she found out you were playing me in Narcos‘, ‘This cute girl at Starbucks asked…’

DAVID: He’s just telling all the girls that he’s been immortalised on Netflix.

PEDRO: He’s been very supportive and available at any given moment to talk about it – he’s so chilled. I think we could take it in any direction with the character – put him in a wheelchair, make him a serial killer, and he’d be like, ‘Yo man, it’s just TV.’ Cause he knows no one really knows what happened.

DAVID: So now bring us to China and another director you were very excited about working with. Tell us the story of The Great Wall.

PEDRO: So, as we’ve covered so extensively in my movie nerd-dom, I was introduced to Zhang Yimou pretty young. I saw Raise The Red Lantern and The Story of Qui Ju and Shanghai Triad in the movie theatre. So I didn’t take my agents very seriously when they brought up the project that was me, starring alongside Matt Damon in this huge Hollywood and Chinese cinema collaboration. I was wrong – it turned out to be true and they offered me the part. I went to China for nearly five months and shot the movie with Zhang Yimou, Matt Damon, Willem Dafoe, and Andy Lau.

DAVID: Was that terrifying? To be directed by one of your idols?

PEDRO: I was really nervous at first but I wrote him an email. I felt like I had to confess – it felt stupid to play down that I’d never imagined I could work with someone I admired to that degree. I think I saw Shanghai Triad like, four times in the movie theatre – I took my mom, I took my friends. He was a filmmaker that I really studied and prided myself on knowing. It was the 90s and he was making some of the best independent films that are out there. Then suddenly everyone was like, ‘Have you seen Hero?’ and I was like ‘DUDE, I’ve seen SEVEN movies before Hero!’, you know? So I wrote to him and told him, and when I got to China, one of the producers gave me an envelope – this beautiful envelope and I pull out a response from Zhang Yimou that he had hand written in Chinese characters on this elegant paper. It was like a piece of art. I have it framed, actually. It was him thanking me for my note and for being involved in the movie. The guy’s a class act. He’s as kind as he is talented. So he beat you and your email…

DAVID: I was going to send it to you in Chinese characters but then I realised I didn’t know Chinese and it would have just been gibberish.

PEDRO: The only way you could’ve won is by sending a singing telegram.

DAVID: So five months in China sounds almost as good as three months in Belfast. Not quite, but any adventures there you can tell us about?

PEDRO: I travelled around like a tourist whenever I got the opportunity. We spent so much time shooting and I got to pal around with Matt Damon because as everyone knows, he’s a real jerk (laughs).

DAVID: Yeah, famously terrible.

PEDRO: A notorious bad guy in the industry. He and his wife adopted me into their family and took me through the experience and I had the time of my life. We were tourists together whenever we got the chance – we went to Hong Kong and I went to see some friends in Bangkok. I can’t tell you about that weekend.

DAVID: When you’re talking to Matt Damon, are you ever not thinking, ‘Here I am, having a conversation with Matt Damon.’

PEDRO: It took a while. Initially, in getting to know him, the jet lag helped – I was so out of it. Matt came to say hi, and we were doing all these scenes together so he just said, ‘Hey man, let’s be friends,’ and I was just like… Okay sure! Whatever you say!

DAVID: Is it fair to say you’ve supplanted Ben Affleck as Matt Damon’s best friend?

PEDRO: Yeah. I’ll make room for Ben, I guess.

DAVID: You and Matt need to write an Oscar winning script to really make Ben jealous.

PEDRO: That would be the next thing… To end my career instead of anti-semitism.

DAVID: So when is The Great Wall out?

PEDRO: February!

DAVID: Originally when you were cast as Oberyn, there was controversy that you weren’t Latino enough. What do you make of the controversy around Matt Damon in this film? Is it about him being a white guy?

PEDRO: Yeah, him being a white guy is very…

DAVID: Incontrovertible? No one can deny that Matt Damon is a white guy.

PEDRO: No one can deny that. It’s not an issue of him not being Latino enough, that’s for sure. But his being white has very specific context in terms of the plot. I think that the arguments should be made after the movie comes out, instead of a one minute and 20 second trailer. I’m sure very good arguments can still be made from both sides in terms of ethnic representation but this is a Hollywood creature feature combined with epic Chinese cinema and it’s ultimately helmed by this visionary director who is Chinese.

DAVID: One of the greatest living directors.

PEDRO: Shall we say, the Spielberg of China?

DAVID: And if he wants to work with the whitest guy in Hollywood, who’s to say no?

PEDRO: Exactly! (laughs) This is a Chinese crew, and there are big Chinese stars and newcomers playing heroic roles in this movie. What people are given is just a film that’s called The Great Wall with Matt Damon, and basing the argument on that. But the movie needs to be seen.

DAVID: Yes, that sounds like good reasoning to me. I do think it’s hard to deny that you’re not Latino enough though. So you’re born in Chile and your parents had to flee after the CIA-sponsored coup – if the coup hadn’t happened, you would just be Chilean. It’s almost like the CIA fucked everything up. What do you think about that?

PEDRO: Are we actually giving credit to the CIA?

DAVID: Maybe you would’ve never become an actor and all the things that led to Game of Thrones may never have happened.

PEDRO: I would have made it happen. I would have crawled from Santiago, Chile all the way to you, to knock on your office door and be like, ‘I will be your champion.’

DAVID: Where is your character from in The Great Wall?

PEDRO: España. Which is exactly where my ancestors were from.

DAVID: No one can argue with that. Where’s Matt’s character from?

PEDRO: He’s English.

DAVID: Does he have an accent? Is he speaking Chinese in the movie?

PEDRO: No, he’s not speaking Chinese. He is English – it’s 1100 AD so whatever that accent is.

DAVID: He has an Old English accent? This is sounding pretty awesome. I don’t think anyone would know how that would sound. Probably it sounds just like Matt Damon, that’s what I think.

So, have we covered all the bases? Have I left anything out that you want to talk about? Your political stance – does everyone know about your pro-Trump agenda? What’s it like being one of the few Hollywood actors who supports Mr. Trump, can you tell us about that?

PEDRO: (laughs) My combover is very much modelled on the earlier part of Trump’s hair career. What are you going to do, David? Are you going to move if Trump –

DAVID: This is a Pedro Pascal interview! No one’s interviewing me here, buddy. So I’ll be asking the questions.

PEDRO: Do you really think it’s not going to happen?

DAVID: I really think it’s not going to happen.

PEDRO: I just got into an argument with a stranger literally five minutes before you called. I was getting coffee and they asked my name so they could put it on the cup and call my name when it was ready. And he was like, ‘Oh, vote for Pedro,’ – first time I’ve heard that. Then he was like, ‘Yo, I’d rather vote for you than either of the two candidates that we’ve got.’ I was like, ‘Dude, really?’ – this was a mixed race guy making the coffee – I was like, ‘Do you really believe that? Do you dislike Hillary so much that you would consider voting for Trump?!’ And that sort of reignited my terror. It feels like such a no-brainer, but here’s this hard-working mixed race guy at Starbucks who is undecided! That scares the shit out of me.

DAVID: Well I hope you talked some sense into him.

PEDRO: He just kept saying, ‘I don’t know about Hillary,’ and I said, ‘What don’t you know?’ ‘Oh, I just don’t trust her,’ but he didn’t have any real answers about what makes her different from other politicians that you do believe in and do trust.

DAVID: That feels pretty good, I think we covered everything.

PEDRO: I think we covered too much.

[jdeanmorgan]

louie tag game

I was tagged by @voulezloux​ (thanks my dude)

When did you become a Louie?

i think around 2016

Why did you become a Louie?

I can just really relate to him, and he just radiates kindness and understanding, especially towards his fans. I see myself in him, and I aspire to be as kind and as understanding towards people as he is. Plus, I’ve always gravitated the most to his voice out of all the boys. His humor is always a plus as well.

One thing that drew you in specifically?

Everything i mentioned above tbh.

Favorite song on walls?

That’s a hard one, but I guess Walls and Kill My Mind are my current faves. I can’t get enough of em.

Who would you want Louis to collab with?

yungblud, for sure. would be fun to see him collab with sam fender as well.

Favorite hairstyle?

peaky blinders haircut!

Back to you, just hold on, or miss you?

as much as i love bty and miss you, i will have to go with just hold on, because seeing it live is such a thrill.

Louis in suits or sweaters?

tbh he just looks so cute and cozy in sweaters that i’ll go with that one. he rocks those suits tho, ofc.

Favorite tattoo?

it is what it is. (also the tic tac toe, as i got that one tattooed on my arm :)

Favorite picture of Louis (currently):

basically this whole ass photoshoot tbh but this pic is just so MWAH, it’s the punk rock vibe that hooked me probably. I was gonna pic that one from the airport with the headband where he looked all sleepy and jetlagged and was wearing that tank top, but that’s a pap pic and i was too lazy to find it in my louis pics folder lol

Random extra?

he should cover green day, just for my personal enjoyment. also i can’t wait to see him live, because i’ve only gotten to see him for like 4 songs (at hits radio live) and that was amazing but it wasn’t enough, i wanna see him for a full hour show.

i shall tag: @herefortommo​ @spiceloutte​ @canyonemoon​ @chlamydiachalamet​ @cheekbonetojawbone​ @louhazpride​ @watermelonsugarthighs​ @sunshinelou​

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Photographer!Phil Masterlist

A Model Relationship (ao3) - JenCollins

Summary: Model!Dan and Photographer!Phil. After yet another session Phil have a serious question to ask Dan.

All i ever wanted was the world (ao3) - Furud

Summary: Photographer phil x Model dan with Dan being a prick who would only do his usual right side poses.

all the light we cannot see (ao3) - uselessphillie

Summary: “Hello, we met for two minutes at a party last weekend and I left because I assumed you were a twat but I’ve been stalking you online and have realized the error of my ways. I’m entranced by your portraits and am desperate to know what it’s like to be photographed by you also you have nice eyes and the memory of your smile helps calm me down so I think I might like to get to know you better would you also like that?”

or, the one where phil is the only person to have ever really seen him.

Aesthetics - flowers-and-colored-hair

Description: Funded by Phil's family money, Dam runs a pretentious aesthetic porn blog. One day, he gets an idea for a photoshoot, and he needs Phil's help to do it, or more specifically, Phil's mouth.

Black Velvet (ao3) - Nefertiti1052 (Succubusphan)

Summary: Phil is a successful photographer who just landed a photo shoot with his muse: Rupaul’s Drag Race winner, Obsidian Rose. Will he be able to win a place in her heart as well?

Camera Cliche- yolohowell

Summary: phil’s a photographer, dan’s a model. phil needs a muse and dan just so happens to be one

Class a Klutz (ao3) - bokeae

Summary: Dan’s an asshole who stars in high quality films and Phil’s just a clumsy idiot who has bad timing.

Double-Booked - hqcharbon

Summary: It’s finals week, and the university’s art and photgraphy studio just so happens to be double booked.

Flashes of Innocence (ao3) - Yiffandquiff (paradisobound)

Summary: Phil Lester was an aspiring photographer, trying to fine tune his skills in a black and white photography class. Cue Daniel Howell, the attractive male that walks in one day and captures Phil’s eyes. But Dan has a small secret, he needs help. He runs a Tumblr blog and he needs someone to shoot his photos for him. But there’s a catch that Phil doesn’t know right away. Dan runs a NSFW porn blog and he’s asking Phil to help him recreate authentic photos.

Forever Frozen Still (ao3) - jestbee

Summary: Phil is a wedding photographer, capturing the beauty of people’s weddings day after day even if it’s beginning to wear a little thin. Then he meets Dan, a cynical and irritating wedding planner who doesn’t believe in love and finally, he finds something that inspires him.

I Love You (ao3) - softsocks

Summary: Dan and Phil are in a relationship, but neither has uttered those three infamous words.

Until Dan goes away for a few days, and they both realise just how much they really do care for each other.

In a Matter of Polaroid Pictures - mairieuxes

Summary: (Model!Dan, Photographer!Phil AU) Dan’s a model who loves branded clothes and Phil’s a photographer who realised that he was the beautiful man he’s ever laid his eyes on.

Love Through A Lens (ao3) - bakingphaninmymind

Summary: Dan is a poor barman and Phil is a student of photography. Entranced by Dan’s punk style and desperate to change his own perfectionism, Phil offers Dan a good payment for modelling. Dan hates perfectionism as it doesn’t exist in his eyes but he has no other choice but say yes. After all, he has someone else he needs to take care of except for himself and money isn’t that easy to find.

My Neighbour from the Floor Above - fiction-phan

Summary: Phil is an unemployed photographer who, even after years of separating from his wife, is still upset about it. Dan is the CEO of a very important company and tends to care only about his work. They both live in the same apartment building but they can’t stand each other. Phil failed to pay his rent for two months and so Dan buys his apartment, with the intent of creating a two storey apartment for him and his fiancé to live in after their wedding. Too bad Phil has no intention of leaving.

oh you got me shaking (ao3) - chickenfree

Summary: Usually if the models talk to him, it’s just – them asking questions, Phil joking about how he doesn’t really know what he’s doing, even as he directs them.

They don’t try to argue with him, usually.

Painted Constellations - botanistlester

Summary: Dan is a painting major at uni who needs someone to paint on for his art project and Phil is a photography major who needs Dan to be his model.

Photography has Nothing to do With Cameras - crescendohowell

Summary: Dan gets transferred into Phil’s photo class and while asking Dan about how to use photoshop, Phil realises that Dan knows sign language.

Picture Perfect - dxnhowell

Summary: Phil Lester is a big time photographer and has just been offered the opportunity of a life time for his company. He needs a model, so he asks his pastel, fashion lover boyfriend, Dan. The only problem? Dan is extremely shy around strangers and has anxiety. Phil hopes to finally help Dan out of his shell.

Pictures Of You (ao3) - CanDanAndPhilNot (enbycalhoun)

Summary: Punk Phil and (softish) Dan find out they are roommates after a couple stressful encounters.

Polaroid (wattpad) - everythingisstaged

Summary: Phil is a working class, geeky, lonely boy toddling through life with his camera. When his family falls on hard times, he is forced out of his bubble and into the real world.

pretty boy (wattpad) - snazzylester

Summary: photographer!phil and model!dan.

Smile Even Though You're Sad (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: dan is the son of a rich man, unwillingly studying business in London who wanders into a gallery looking for some quiet, and instead finds the happy-go-lucky owner with a camera around his neck, the nicest smile he’s ever seen and a knack for knowing exactly what to say.

so damn pretty (ao3) - silentdescant

Summary: They’ve got a sort of partnership.

It mostly consists of Dan looking beautiful and Phil snapping photos while trying to keep his drool inside his mouth and therefore unnoticeable.

superimpose (ao3) - howellesterfics

Summary: Being in his early thirties, Phil thinks he should have more to show than a minimum wage job and the amateur photography skills that rarely earn him any pay. Suddenly he's given the opportunity to display his pieces in a gallery down the street. He ultimately leaves with more than just a new sense of pride in his work when he gets caught up with the snarky and neurotic gallery assistant, Dan.

syzygy (ao3) - dantiloquent

Summary: Phil Lester, an amateur photographer trapped in a monotonous life, is the last person to see Toby Stanford’s killer before they disappear into London’s crowds. He decides to keep that a secret - alongside the photos of them he has stashed away in his backpack. In a matter of hours, he is flung into a new life: one of clues and murders and lies. In a world swarming with surveillance, it’s a battle against time and the police. But Phil will find this killer, and he’ll get his story - or will he? Sometimes, not even a camera can capture exactly what is living beneath the surface.

the boy from singapore (ao3) - larry_hystereks

Summary: phil hasn’t taken a decent picture in years, but after meeting dan, a struggling artist halfway across the world, he finds himself inspired and completely, utterly enamored.

Three Words Amongst Thousands (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Basically the first time Phil says I love you to Dan

Until You Love Me - pianodan

Summary: (80s AU) dan howell, a nineteen-year-old model with an ego bigger than his wardrobe, is the hottest thing to come out of the UK since The Smiths. Phil is a twenty-two year old photography student who prefers to be behind the camera rather than in front of it, but upon landing himself a six month placement with River, the biggest modelling agency in Britain, he finds himself in the company of the younger boy more often than he’d like to be. (alternatively the one where dan’s a bratty ass model and phil has to take pictures of him all the time)

We Keep This Love In A Photograph - philhcwell, analester

Summary: Phil is a photographer and single dad Dan likes to flirt with him during his children’s photoshoots.

We made these memories for ourselves (ao3) - jestbee

Summary: An epilogue for Forever Frozen Still

Work It, Baby (ao3) - alphapavlikovsky

Summary: “Could you please do me a favour, Phil?” Dan asked, taking his eyes away from his phone for a moment to look at his best friend. “I was thinking of doing a photoshoot, would you mind being my photographer? I can pay..”.

“Sure Dan, I have time tomorrow if that’s good for you?” Phil replied, entering it into his work diary. He enjoyed having Dan as a model so he would love doing a photoshoot specifically where he could take photos of Dan without seeming weird.

Except maybe Phil should have asked what kind of photoshoot it would be. He was about to get a shock.

[writeyourownlifestory]

L I G H T S U P

Chapters: 3/20 Fandom: IT Rating: M Warnings: No warnings at this time Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Beverly Marsh/Ben Hanscom Additional Tags: PunkRocker!Eddie, Writer!Richie, Beveddie!Friendship, No Clown Written by: myself & @ahardlife​ Tag list: @richietoaster, @beproudtozier, @that-weird-girls-blog, @s-onora, @s-s-georgie, @bellarosewrites, @iamcupcakefrosting, @reddieonwheels, @ghostnebula, @madidraw @madi-main, @gazebobullshit, @thoughtfullyyoungduck​, @airbenderking

Puff piece writer Richie Tozier is given the chance of a lifetime to interview his celebrity crush: Dr. K, the lead singer of punk rock band, Trashmouth. Dr. K is about to release his first solo album and Richie wants to get all the dirty details. But all is not what it appears to be and the two realize they know each other from a different time, in a different place, when they were both very different people.

Chapters One, Two 

Kill My Mind - Louis Tomlinson 

You kill my mind Raise my body back to life And I don't know what I'd do without you now

Kept me living From the last time From a prison of a past life On a mission just to feel like When you kissed me for the last time

While he may not have been the most studious of those who worked at Paper Boat magazine, Richie was anything if not professional. He stayed up throughout the night as he pieced together the interview to send to Bill. He wanted to ace that job, mind you. Even if he just did fluff pieces and bullshit reports, he always made sure his work was coherent and easy to read.

When the following day came, he made his way back into the studio, clutching a large coffee with a double shot, recalling what the singer said again and again.

What the fuck did he mean by it was nice to see you again?

He thought about all the people he had met throughout the years in the industry and nope. Dr. K wasn’t on that list. He had been a fan of Trashmouth since he was a junior in college, there is no fucking way he would have forgotten meeting him even if it was early on in his career.

As he made his way to his cubby, he stumbled into Georgie, who was adjusting his camera and making his way down to the designated photoshoot area.

“Jesus, you look terrible. What happened to you?” Was the first thing he asked him.

“Thanks for the support, little man. I appreciate it,” he commented with a chuckle. “I had to edit the interview and it took longer than expected.” He admitted sipping at his coffee, trying to make it seem casual.

He also stayed awake, examining the selfie he had taken moments before the bombshell. He had seen Dr. K’s face nearly every day for the past eight years. Richie was very sure if they had met before, he would have recognized him.

You don’t just forget about meeting a fucking rockstar even if you met them before their star status.

“Oh, right,” the guy nodded, going back to set his camera. “He’ll be here in five. The singer guy. His assistant just called me,” he informed.

Sometimes he forgot that Georgie was nearly ten years younger than Bill. Still in college with a lush career on his shoulders all thanks to his brother’s connections. He would be jealous of the little fucker if he wasn’t such a damn sweetheart.

“Cool. Cool cool.”

“You can come along if you want. No one is allowed access other than me and Bill, but since you’re doing the expose on him, I don’t see why you shouldn’t be there too.”

“Oh. Right. Thanks.”

And he was panicking again. He really shouldn’t be because like Georgie said, he was just a singer guy. Except he wasn’t. He was Dr. K. Lead -- former -- lead singer of Trashmouth. A band that meant more to Richie than he is proud to admit at this very moment.

As they made their way down to the secluded area, Richie’s mouth started watering. Was that normal? He’d have to check with a doctor. A real one. True to words, Dr. K and Beverly arrived a few minutes later with Bill in tow. Georgie greeted them kindly, while Richie just stood off awkwardly to the side, staring out at him like a psycho as Georgie explained what they wanted him to do.

It wasn’t going to be anything wild. Richie had seen other promotional photos of the man and while some of them helped him get through some very lonely nights, this wasn’t going to be like that. They weren’t giving him stupid props or greasing him up.

He would wear the clothes he came in with (black jeans and a black and white checkered button-down), and Bill would talk to him throughout it just to keep him confident and relaxed. It was pretty standard with Paper Boat. They wanted real people so having a photoshoot that was more photoshopped than anything wasn’t their cup of tea.

Giving Georgie a minute to set up, Richie watched as Dr. K approached him, that particular smile sitting so comfortably across his lips. It only made Richie more nervous.

“Hey Richie,” He greeted him casually.

“Hey! Hi. Good morning,” He rambled out, his hand still clutching his coffee. “Excited for the shoot?”

“Nothing new to me to be honest, though I do appreciate your boss not lathering me up in lube.” He admitted with a small shrug.

“That was a great shoot. I mean, I doubt it was comfortable and it had to be a bitch to wash off, but ten out of ten stars for me.” He mentioned, rolling on the balls of his feet. He was teetering. Waiting. Waiting for what though? If he didn’t spit it out he would miss his chance and then the mystery would only continue. “Hey, can I ask you something real quick?”

“Shoot.”

“Yesterday, at the interview before you left, remember? You- you said it was nice to see me again,” he started, pausing as Beverly came over, passing Dr. K his own cup of coffee.

Richie took a slow sip of his mouth, hoping to quench his throat that was suddenly very dry.

Dr. K thanked her, sipping at his cup as Beverly left them again. “Mhm, I remember.”

“Well, I’ve been thinking about it and honestly dude, I don’t remember ever meeting you.” He finally confessed. “Did we like, have a class together in school? I highly doubt it because you were touring while I was getting my bachelor's, but I really can’t find you anywhere in my mind. And trust me, I would remember someone like you. Cute, and sexy, and talented. You’re like a triple threat and I have like, seven shirts with your face on it, plus multiple pictures of you in my apartment, and I’ve seen you perform sixteen times in the past eight years, and I should stop talking now because Bill is literally right there and told me I shouldn’t embarrass myself and me-“

Dr. K started laughing then, soft and sweet. His smile only grew and those dark eyes shimmered almost lovingly. “Beep beep, Richie.”

And after that he was whisked away by Georgie. They didn’t apply much makeup other than some powder to help with the shine. Richie was left standing like a fool, watching as Dr. K was placed where they wanted him and Bill began talking to him as the photoshoot began.

“Beep beep?” Richie muttered aloud, trying to remember where he heard that before.

Until it clicked.

“Beep beep, Richie!”

Richie laughed aloud, turning back to make sure the other boy was still behind him. It was summer and they were kids, which meant they were going to do whatever the hell they wanted to do without a single care in the world. Their town was small and boring, so what else were two ten year old kids supposed to do? Sit at home and watch cartoons?

They rode their bikes around town, finally making it to the standpipe where they could have a bit of privacy. They went there more often than not, as it was the only place in the whole damn town that wasn’t a waste of space.

They hurried inside, just as they had so many times before. As children, preteens, and then finally teenages. Sure, two ten year olds running a muck was pretty annoying, but it was the thirteen year olds that caused the most trouble, with their potty mouths and terrible ideas.

Richie lead the other boy inside, sneaking through the rickety door and up, up, up the stairs until they reached the very top. It was the only place high enough where you could see beyond Derry. See the horizon as the sun set down and actually know there was more of this world than just their shitty town.

“All right, Rapunzel! I’ve brought you back to your tower, far away from that terrible, terrible witch that kept you captive!”

“That’s not even how the story goes, dumbass.” The other boy laughed.

His words were meant to be cruel, but they weren’t. And his gaze wasn’t one of disdain but appreciation. Richie adjusted his glasses, moving closer to the other boy. “Either way, I’m still the prince charming, here to save the beautiful prince.”

The other boy rolled his eyes fondly.

“If your mom puts you under a sleeping spell, I’ll have to be the one to kiss you awake.” Richie announced.

“Wrong princess, Richie.”

“You do look rather sleepy, Eds. Maybe I should try it now? Just for practice?”

“Beep beep, Richie.” The other boy replied, pulling the taller boy in to kiss him softly.

Richie hurried out of the studio, going up the stairs and out onto the street to gather from fresh air. He felt a tightness in his stomach that he hadn’t dealt with in a very long time. He was sweaty and jumpy as people moved along the street beside him. It was as if he had seen a ghost and in some ways, he had.

There was only one person in his life who said those words to him; the mocking clown nose sound that would be used to sensor him or shut him up.

It was him. After all these years. After all the nightmares. After all the therapy sessions he finally walked back into his life.

Eddie Kaspbrak.

They had been friends since kindergarten. Best friends almost right off the bat. Eddie was a shy kid who didn’t do well with crowds and Richie was a class clown who was shunned from all other cliques due to how obnoxious he was even from an early age.

They were two people who didn’t belong in the small town they were trapped inside. Two boys who shared common interests and scars, and more importantly, secrets.

Eddie Kaspbrak was the reason Richie turned into such a basket case, so afraid to come out of his shell and be proud of who he was.

And it was Dr. K that helped Richie step out of the darkness and into the light.

Now it appeared they were one in the same.

There was no other way around it. Nobody else had ever said such a thing to him. “Beep beep” had been their thing, the thing Eddie would say to get him to stop talking back when they were just kids. There was no possible way anybody else would know that.

After finally realizing he wasn’t happy with the life had been living Richie went to therapy where he basically cried out every sad story he had to tell. In the end the therapist suggested he reach out to his old pal. Richie looked him up on every social media account he could but there was no sign of him anywhere.

It was like he didn’t exist anymore.

In the back of his mind Richie thought the worst and he had good reason to. Things didn’t end well for them back when they were kids. They were torn apart due to the prejudices of society and the pure hatred from Eddie’s mother. He always wondered what happened to his friend, especially since it was very clear that he and Eddie were more than friends.

There was a time when he used to think they were fucking soulmates. It was silly to think and he was just thirteen when those thoughts popped into his head into his head but back then he didn’t care.

It was just him and Eddie against the world. But the world ended up winning in the end.

Richie left the studio then, unsure of how he was supposed to carry on with the rest of the day with the knowledge he now had. He had practically gotten sick of it, thinking back to his childhood and how terrible things had turned out for himself.

He felt sick, like every time he got nervous about something. He felt sick and scared and happy? All of a sudden. Yes, he went to therapy because he thought his best friend was gone for good. Shit, he even called to as many conversion camps he could find information about across the country. Really, Sonia Kaspbrak would do anything to keep her son for herself.

And now Eddie was back in his life. How could he not see it? He went to sixteen concerts, got a poster of the band in his house, he even got cold showers courtesy of Dr. K. It was going to be a whole lot to process it. Process, first of all, that Eddie was alive. Two, that he was in his life again and even remembered him. And three, that he was Dr. K.

What. The. Fuck.

Richie went home hoping to collect his thoughts though it didn’t turn out the way he hoped. He was going absolutely bonkers trying to control all these new revelations that were coming his way.

He tried to get his mind off it; even jumping into the shower hoping the warm water would make him feel like a normal person again but that was all for nothing.

He had to talk to Eddie. Obviously he remembered him. Remembered the things they used to say to one another. He felt like he was going out of his mind.

Looking at the clock, he swore sharply. He would be gone from the studio by now. Richie was mentally kicking himself for running away but it’s what he did best.

There had to be another way. He was desperate but he didn’t want to give up that easily.

So he called Bill, hoping to use his small amount of improv and acting skills to get him in good. “Bill! Buddy! Shit man you’re never gonna believe this.” He spoke drastically.

He told Bill this wild story about how he was watching a documentary on Galaxy Quest that got him excited, resulting in him knocking over his coffee cup onto his computer, which short-circuited as he was editing the interview.

“I got it back up and rolling but I wasn’t able to save. Yeah, it’s gone man. All of it. I was hoping you had the number of his assistant so I could reschedule another one on one.”

“You gotta be more careful, Rich. MacBooks aren’t cheap.” Bill replied with a laugh.

He texted him the number of Dr. K’s personal assistant.

Easy as that.

Richie was ready to relay the whole story back to Beverly and when he did he thought that maybe it would be just as easy. Of course, it wasn’t.

“Mr. Denbrough asked enough questions during the photoshoot to qualify as an interview. Surely that shall suffice, Mr. Tozier.” She spoke coolly.

“It could but it wouldn’t answer the hard-hitting questions that our readers want to know about,” Richie replied. “Look it will only be a few minutes. I’ll even come to him if you give me the address.”

“I very well can't just give you the address of Dr. K’s home.” Beverly laughed off dismissively.

“Bev — can I call you Bev? — I need you to work with me here. I know I sound desperate and pathetic but I want you to know from the bottom of my heart, I am both.”

He wasn’t going to sugar coat it. He ran away because he was a weak bitch but he had to talk to Eddie about this. Needed him to fill in the gaps of their lives.

“Ten minutes, that’s all. I don’t want to waste his time, I just want to talk to him. You can even supervise if you’re worried I’m gonna jump him or anything.”

“You don’t give up easily, do you, Tozier?”

“Actually I’ve been known to give up very easily. It’s just different this time around,” Richie confessed.

The line was quiet for a moment; too quiet that Richie thought that maybe the call dropped. He pulled away to look but found Beverly continuing.

“He’s not at his current home. He’s staying at the Waldorf Suites until further notice.” She explained.

He told her the name that he was staying under and explained he would be there for the rest of the night. Richie looked down at the paper, his heart jumping in his throat when he saw the name he was currently listed under “Spaghetti” which just hit too close to him.

“Don’t do anything stupid, Mr. Tozier.” She warned lightly.

“I make zero promises, Ms. Ringwald.” He said before ending the call.

He jumped up from his seat then, rushing off to change back into his clothing so he could hit the road and get some answers.

[scream-tears]

The Royal Invitation - Part 8

Aerowyn Matilde George Rothchester might seem like a very long name, but it definitely is not for a royal in the Kingdom of Dalewin.

After her grandfather, the beloved king, passed away, Aerowyn (also known as Winny) is called back from her art school in New York. She’s thrown back into her royal duties, expected to know what to do.

But with the Royal advisor on tour with the new king, Winny is left to figure things out with his stepson. The only problem, he has no idea what he’s doing, after all he’s only the lead singer in a band.

Co-written story with @aweirdkindofyellow

Chapter 8

Alex’s POV:

I opened an eye slightly, peeking at the time illuminating on my phone screen. 5.46. I grabbed my phone from the bedside cabinet, swiping left before pushing it to my ear.

"Dude, I've called you five times!" Jack's loud and slightly pissed voice sounded through the phone. I sighed wearily, rolling onto my back as my head sunk into the pillows.

"Did you forget about the nine hour time difference?" I groaned, frowning at my disrupted sleep.

"That seems like more of a you problem, than a me problem," he retorted. "Now. Did you sort out plans for the tour?"

"I'll sort it soon."

I listened to his mumble of profanities on the other end, picking up on his comment of 'you said that last time'. I could almost picture him roll his eyes in annoyance.

"I said I'll sort it." I added bitterly.

"Fine. But we leave in a week, Alex. You're going to have to come up with something good and fast."

He ended the call before I could say anything back, clearly still annoyed by my lack of effort in the tour department. Sure touring with Blink-182 had been my dream since I was a teen, but it was terrible timing. I didn't want to betray the guys by turning down the offer, but I also didn't want to let Garry down by leaving him in his time of need. No matter what I did it was a win-loss situation.

I sat up in bed, glancing over at the faint pink glow emanating from the window. An early morning walk couldn't hurt.

After changing into jeans and a shirt, I slipped into my sneakers, throwing one of All Time Low's newest hoodies on before leaving the room. The corridors were deserted, as expected, with the exception of a few yawning guards about to end their night shift.

I slipped out the back entrance with the intention to head onto the field, though my attention was drawn elsewhere before I could make it too far past the patio doors.

"Alex, hey," a voice called out over the garden, soft yet weary. I looked around, eventually spotting the grinning blonde, waving at me from the top window. Aerowyn.

"Why are you up this early?" I asked, smiling back at her beaming grin.

"I could ask you the same thing!" She countered, glancing back into the room momentarily before turning back to me. "I was painting."

I chuckled softly, "of course you were."

"Wait there," she added, disappearing into the shadows of the library. I nodded, though knowing she couldn't see, before turning to watch the sun as it began to rise over the trees in the distance.

"Come on," her warm voice whispered beside me as she took my hand in her own, pulling me along with her through the garden. We passed through the hedges at the end of the patio, making our way out onto the field.

I didn't take me long to stop paying attention to where we were actually going, because I instead turned my gaze to her hand wrapped around my own. She bounced as she walked causing our hands to swing in time, rocking back and forth with each step we made.

I looked up in surprise as she came to a halt, dropping down on the freshly cut grass. I slumped down beside her, taking a look at our surroundings. 

We were sat on a small hill just before the trees, the sunrise over the lake perfectly in view. The colours of orange and pink all merged into one as they reflected against the glistening blue water. It was one hell of a sight.

"Beautiful, isn't it." Aerowyn mumbled beside me, turning my attention back to her. Her lips were curled into a warm smile; her eyes fixated on the view.

"Yes it is." I whispered in reply.

We sat there for a while, just taking in the surroundings. With nothing but the chirps of the birds and the slow swaying of the trees in the wind, silence soon submerged us and we were left to appreciate the few moments away from chaos we had.

"Alex?" Aerowyn asked, sparing a single glance in my direction before turning back to the pond.

"Winny." I replied with a nod.

She giggled at the name. "You know the only other person who called me that was my Grandfather," she added with a small smile.

"I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"No, it's fine," she interrupted. "I like it."

She turned to face me again and we held eye contact for a moment as silence engulfed us.

"We should probably go and get ready for breakfast," she stated, standing up from the grass verge and brushing herself down. I glanced down at my empty hand, realising she had been holding it the entire time. "You coming?"

"Yeah," I spoke, standing up. With one last glance at the now fully risen sun, I began following Aerowyn back towards the castle.

Breakfast was exactly like it had been for the last week of my stay, only there was a change in the seating arrangements. Instead of me and Garry sitting together on the far side of the table, Garry and Aerowyn had switched places leaving me with the princess by my side. Not that I complaining. We basically had our own conversation, occasionally joining in with the group notices about the royal portrait. You see, since there was a new king ruling now, the family would have to take another family portrait, like the one I saw on my way to the library. It was some family tradition from the seventeenth century that they felt the need to keep alive.

"So, are we all set on the portrait arrangements?" The king spoke, drawing both Winny and I back into the conversation.

"Indeed. Everyone is still set on showing up, and the maids are on hand with the outfits to get everyone ready." Garry explained, glancing over his schedule before turning back to the king.

"And you all are feeling okay?" He asked, turning to his family. The three nodded, smiling back at the king. "Very well then. We will meet back here in two hours to greet our guests." 

The group was soon dispersed and I found myself with a new schedule for the day. Garry had set me in charge of Augustus and Aerowyn, which is how I found myself standing outside of Aerowyn's room, just like a day a few days prior. Augustus was across from me, already dressed in his finest attire.

"So my sister seems to like you," he spoke, his eyes creeping over my outfit choice before returning to my face. It was pretty obvious he was judging me, but I already knew I was irregular in a royal castle. I mean, I’m a singer in a pop-punk band.

"Yeah, I guess she does," I smiled, holding back the temptation to smirk.

He opened his mouth to say something else, only to be cut off by Aerowyn sauntering out into the corridor. She spun around, flaunting her outfit to the both of us. 

Her dress was floor length–a faded blue with crystals embroidered along the neckline. With her hair curled and pulled back into a clip, she wore a tiara embellished in the royal jewels. Not to mention her smile was as genial as ever.

"Well don't you look dashing, Gus-Gus", she spoke, throwing an arm over Augustus' shoulder before pulling him into a one-armed hug. He rolled his eyes, shuffling beneath her grip.

"You're going to ruin my outfit, Aerowyn," he accused, to which she let go, holding both hands to her mouth, feigning shock. I chuckled lightly at the two of them, turning away to check the schedule for the rest of the day.

Within an hour Augustus and Aerowyn were with their parents, greeting their family as they arrived, whilst I helped Garry co-ordinate the last of the photoshoot arrangements. Before long, the royal family were being ushered into the room, all dressed in their royal colours. 

I shuffled back against the wall, staying out of the way whilst Garry helped the photographer sort the family into their places. I watched Aerowyn as she found her place, lifting one of her youngest cousins into arms. She tickled the little girl causing her to giggle aloud. I smiled, admiring the exchange between Winny and the girl. It was no wonder she was loved so much around here.

She glanced over at me, a beaming grin enhancing her soft-pink lips. With one nod, she turned away to face the photographer. In that second, my heart fluttered.

[naferty]

Recently watched the Try Guy’s baby shower and I couldn’t resist imagining Stroganoff au in there.

Steve and Tony about to have their baby shower, but not just any baby shower, it’s a Rogers-Stark baby shower and both Rhodey and Bucky are in charge of getting it together.

Rhodey knows Tony wants it big and he wants the whole gang there. Not just the women or the omegas. He wants alphas and betas and omegas and unassigns. He wants guys and gals and non-binary pals. He wants the whole nine. He’s broken plenty of expectations as a male omega already, what’s a few more broken traditions?

Bucky knows that Steve wants the entire family there. Their close-knit group. Everyone he and Tony have ever considered a close friend in the past and remained close friends to the present. Steve doesn’t care if they’re busy or out of town or out of the country. He’ll pay for all their expenses if he must and he lets both Rhodey and Bucky know that. He wants them all there for the big reveal. He wants them there to share this very important moment.

Rhodey and Bucky also know both Steve and Tony crave the moments when they could have everyone together and that feeling of friends and family and love and that warm sensation of home is the strongest. Both having grown up in environments that took and never gave, they cherish every moment they receive.

They have their work cut out for them, but it’s important work and they know it will be all worth it to see their best friends smile and glow.

Rhodey assigns decoration duties to himself, not trusting Bucky will get anything outside the darks and blacks of the color wheel. He wants bright colors. Calm colors. Colors that will soothe and not give off a brooding mood that Bucky will certainly create if he is left in charge. This leaves him in charge of a lot. The balloons, the tables, the chairs, the umbrella shades, cloth to create the background for their photo shoots, ribbons, the works.

Bucky takes up food and drinks duty. With Tony’s heavy and thick credit card the sky’s the limit. When it comes to feeding the mouths of all their bottomless pits of friends there is no shortage of food options to pick, but Bucky doesn’t want to overwhelm and he has Tony and the pregnancy to think about. Tony’s food options became relatively small ever since the bun had been put in the oven, and because most of his favorite foods are among the list of ‘nos’ and ‘moderated’ his options weren’t exactly great or easy. Bucky sometimes thinks it’s a good thing the omega has Steve, the absolute sweetheart he knows the punk to be with the patience of a saint.

Even though he probably won’t eat it himself, Bucky knows Tony’s style and a simple platter of vegetables and crackers ain’t going to work, so he hires a taco truck. No one is going to go hungry for this baby shower. He also knows that even if Tony can’t drink them, providing only juice isn’t going to fly either. He makes a list of wines and mixes and plans to fully take advantage of puns and play ons for the beverages and get a laugh or two with them.

This leaves their hands a little tied when it comes to planning the games for everyone to do. Picking colors and fabrics and getting all the booze in the store takes up a lot of work. On top of that, they’re alpha enough to admit their ideas for fun and games is not going to win everyone in the baby shower. Together they make the decision to call backup. They call Clint, who comes wearing a bandana and a serious face.

Rhodey doesn’t even bother telling him to keep it simple. He knows the guest list, has met most of everyone on that list and he knows first-hand none of them want to sit down and talk. Give them an activity, no matter how outlandish, for a celebration and they will all jump on it with no shame.

He hands Clint the credit card and tells him in a very grave tone, “Give them everything you’ve got.”

The beta fake salutes. “Trust me, no one will be sitting through this baby shower.”

“That’s what I like to hear. Get to it.”

The day of the baby shower leaves Tony and Steve a nervous mess. They’re both used to taking charge, knowing what’s going to happen and creating the plan, but to have been left on the sidelines while their best friends take care of everything? That’s asking a lot, but they trust them and that’s why they’re able to kind of sit down and watch them set the tables and decorations. Steve spends most of the morning during set up to fuss over Tony who’s chasing everyone working around and twitching his hands nervously everytime Thor lifts a chair and balances it in a manner that defies physics.

Sam, Carol, Pepper and Natasha are also there helping and with them all working together they’re able to get everything ready an hour before the baby shower is to begin. Then there’s a moment of panic when the taco truck Bucky had chosen arrives ten minutes late and leaves Bucky running ragged as he plans ways around maybe not getting a taco truck. Thankfully, the truck does eventually arrive and the workers are ready to serve that food and as an apology, they bring a plate of tacos ready for them to eat then and there. No one complains about that.

Clint has a little issue with setting up the balloons and keeping them in place because wind is a thing and it’s trying to blow away the balloon that has the gender reveal but he eventually wins by tying them down inside the garage of Steve and Tony’s place. Rhodey has the least troubles. He sets up the photo shoot wall with all the colorful fabrics, places the ribbons, helps Clint set up the items for his games and earns himself a break to drink the mom-mosa Bucky had mixed.

Then the time comes for all the guests to start showing up and it’s a sea of never-ending knocks on the door as they trickle in. Everyone is there within the first hour. Jan, Bruce, Hank and even Loki. Jarvis, his mate Ana, Tony’s mother Maria, Happy, you name it, they’re there. Mama Rhodes, May and Ben. Fury and Maria Hill. Steve’s ex that remained a dear friend to him Peggy is there and so is Steve’s old team the Howling Commandos, all visiting from across the sea. Jane and her friend Darcy. Thor and Bruce’s friend Brunhilde, who got invited because the two wanted her to make some more friends and what better way to meet everyone than with a happy announcement, and agreed to come against all expectations is there, too and drinking her way through each jug of alcohol. T’Challa, his mate Nakia and his sister Shuri are hogging the tacos. The Maximoff twins are already making their way for the beer that’s reserved for the baby bottle chug. Stephen is sulking because no matter where he walks there’s a balloon ready to smack against him.

There’s so many people there and so many smiles. Everyone wants to take pictures in front of Rhodey’s handcrafted photoshoot. There isn’t a moment where Tony isn’t asked to have his belly touched or dragged for more photos or selfies. He’s positively glowing and Steve is not blamed for preening the entire time.

Laughter fills the air when the games happen. Clint being Clint shows no shame and hosts the games while wearing a diaper. There’s twister, water balloons, baby food, baby bottle beer chugging, guessing the length of Tony’s belly with toilet paper, pinning stickers on Clint’s diaper-clad butt and more. Everyone eats the food and there is no alcohol left by the end of it. Three tables are required to hold all the gifts everyone brought and apparently there had been a competition of who could get the most gifts between Pepper, Jan, Maria Stark and T’Challa with the clear winners being Steve and Tony.

Then the gender reveal with three giant balloons are ready to be popped and everyone cheers loudly when they pop the first balloon together. Blue confetti flies everywhere and the claps are almost deafening. Then they’re even louder when they pop the last two balloons and rainbow colors come out.

“No matter what he grows to be, we will always love him. He will grow up with his family by his side and if there’s ever a moment he thinks otherwise we’ll all be there to remind him every day. Thank you all for coming and for the wonderful gifts,” Tony says through a mic with Steve’s arm around his shoulders. His smile so wide and glowing under all their attention. Cheeks flushed from so much fun under the bright sun.

Rhodey, Bucky and Clint pat themselves for a job well done.

[paulineguillouzichnd1]

Clean White

Material: using effectively the material (lightmeter and lights) to set up your cleanwhite background effectively.

-> I started working and learning on Clean White Background by making sure I could use the material (lightmeter, studio lights, tripod, flashes...) effectively. I have always felt interested in working in a studio, however, I had little experience and I felt I really needed to step up my game if I wanted to 1. work independently by being able to set up the lights and the material effectively 2. produce good photos in a limited period of time (we only had the studios available for a short period of time so that each student could work on their project!)

-> With the permission of one of my lecturer, the help of one other student from my class who had a similar experience with Studios and who wanted to work and achieve similar results, I used a Studio on Wednesday 9th October, for 2 hours, with in mind 5 goals :

1. getting more familiar with the material

2.being able to reproduce what we’d been showed the week before on Friday afternoon to get a white background

3. work on using a reflector

4. eventually, working on shadows (how to control lights and shadows on my model’s face.

5. More than anything else, gain confidence and explore the possibilities of working in a studio, and develop my problem-solving skills.

We set up the studio the way we thought we did it when we were working on the ID project, with a white background. None of us were happy with the background because it looked grey and we had the model’s shadows in the background. We were also using a tripod, and had to figure out the basic set up (using a light meter, flashes, setting up the background). Fortunately, one of the lecturer was around and helped us with:

-> the model was too close from the background thus the shadows on the background. We had to take the light measures from the background, making sure that it was at least one stop brighter than where the model was posing. We also learnt to check that the background was white by using the histogram on our camera.

-> the third light (key light) wasn't on already, but at least we managed to get a background that was nearer to white.

First attempt at shooting a silhouette. We didn't use any boards to flag the model (I think by that time we were running out of time).

Although the background was not completely white, at least it looked a lot closer to our first attempt. 

We eventually started using a key light in the background and managed to try different positions to see how the shadows would affect my face.

Video on Different types of lights (in French though)

Video on Using a lightmeter (in English)

Article on Three-Point Lighting Technique

INSPIRATION: a few photographers were mentioned during our brief on CleanWhite Background and I thought I’d start finding new photographers and insipiration with these names (also because they were seen as key photographers, and therefore, I might learnt a few things from them).

Richard Avedon:  

I was extremely impressed with two things : the use of the frame (borders in black) which made the whole picture neater. I also thought that I liked the unusual way Avedon had framed most of his models (in French we call it Plan américain and they didnt feel static anymore, I know that this sort of framing was used in Westerns so that the viewer could have a look at the actor’s gun. It keeps the viewer on their toes: “What’s going to happen next?”

All models had an attitude, looking at the viewers in the eyes, very direct,almost intimidating. That’s a type of framing I want to reuse...

Annie Leibovitz:

David Bayley: His biography says he is a fashion and portrait photographer but he has also directed TV commercials, documentaries and he also paints and sculpts. 

His photos show models who have a bit of an attitude (if I compare them to Avedon’s where they seem almost suspicious). Lots of movement (hair, eyes, body) but I wondered how he took his picture (froma higher angle than subject? Which lense). The models are almost confrontational with the viewer.

Other photographers...

Terry Richardson: American fashion and portrait photographer. He is very inspired by the punk rock scene and started his career by photographing  young people partying and other nightlife. I think that in lots of his pictures are often provocative. His own personal work (Terryworld for instance) works a lot around sexuality and is extremely provocative.

Andrew Zuckerman:

Annie Liebovitz:

David Bayley:

I decided to then ask one of my classmates to model for me on the first Friday after the first attempt session. I found that setting the white background was more difficult. I was struggling with the lights, positioning them so that the light would be equal on the background (uniform). Mark helped me by adjusting the lights (they were too high and not oriented in the right direction, crossing and creating different measures with the lightmeter). I managed to get a better silhouette of Reka.

The rest of the photoshoot was better than my first attempt with Karen but I was missing a lot of things:

-a clear idea of what to do (poses, frame and inspiration)

I was struggling on these points because I actually did some research but I didn’t really feel convince with what I found. The photographs I found had their particular style but I felt a bit lost because I didn’t manage to stick to an inspiration and my first few attempts with the clean white background felt a bit like swimming without knowing where I was meant to go to.

I thought about doing a ¾ photography portrait but realised that I didn’t have enough space in the studio (nor thought about how to deal with space in studio), that I actually liked close portrait better.

I thought that I would change my model and used someone else. I think that I should have asked someone else as I knew this person and his history and wanted to use his scarf (from Kurdistan). I did have four examples of photos I wanted to try, from different angles.

Setting up the background was getting easier, and I had the whole studio for me so we used four panels instead of two.

Again, I think that I didn’t really know how to talk to my model and didn’t have a clear idea of what I wanted to do with him. Some of the pcitures are nice but I didn’t really use his scarf well: I should have been probably more direct in the way I was talking to him, and also checked my photos and taken my time to double-check the pictures (framing, pose). I found out that what actually matters more than thousands of pictures is working little by little and solving as many problems as you could from the beginning and come as prepared as possible.

I felt that some shots were nice and quite basic: I used two soft boxes on each side of my model’s face and it didn’t suit the model, or better didn’t really emphasise his personality and was pretty flat. The poses chosen were not adapted to the kind of pictures I was looking for and I felt more frustrated both by the lack of time but also because I couldn’t pintpoint exactly what wasn’t working.

I then went for another session with one of my classmates, better prepared because I thought more carefully about what he was to wear and how I wanted him to stand. We had the full studio for ourselves. Tutor advised us to use as much space as needed and he helped me to set the studio quite far from the background.

I think I wanted to get away from a more conventional and eye-level portrait, by trying the ‘contre-plongee’ (low-angle shot). I set the studio, using two soft-boxes on each side of my subject and having him alternatively standing or sitting. I realised that for some of my frames, the top of the background was in my shots. I then decided that I’d take the pictures from further away. It really got me thinking about how I was using my space, background. I felt that I needed space and would need to push the panels away. Space needed to be taken into consideration: how do I use, how much do I need it, how do I show tension in my shots, how do I guide the viewer’s eyes? How do I want them to feel?

I wasn’t happy either with those shots, not entirely: I felt that they looked ok but were not punchy enough.

I then went back to what works well for me, that is drawing: what do I see in my mind, how can I put it onto paper and then shoot it?

What works in the Frame, different faces, different clothes, different scarves, hands position, portrait/landscapes. Freda was helping me creating a real life ‘draft’ of what my final image would be. The lighting/model would be different but the idea was to see what was working or not.

I wanted this picture to be very geometrical, little/no make up and simple, not much to look at but my model’s face and her facial expression.

I based my project on different things I came across in my personal life, books I have read and that were inspiring me: I didn’t want anything particularly beautiful, but more something that would say ‘don’t touch’.

EVALUATION:

I think that the most powerful pictures were the one where she wasn’t actually shouting. I was told about the “waste of space” (bottom right) because there was nothing there. I cropped the final picture and tried to move the hand further down but it somehow blocked her eyes and didn’t look nice at all.

I started the photoshoot with the digital camera and continued with the digital camera. I felt that it helped me to understand what I was shooting.

When I tried to print the film version of my portrait, I found that borders were difficult to do, so I was really had to go back to fundamentals and start from the beginning. As I just started working with analogue cameras, I am still building my knowledge of how to manipulate the camera but also how to print.

I started the photoshoot with the digital camera and continued with the analogue camera.

I’d say that using an analogue camera is still new to me, but it really helped me with understanding exposure. I asked my classmates some feedback on the film version of my portrait and they said that the composition was good but the eyes were a bit out of focus / could have been sharper. Either because my focus when taking the picture wasn’t on the eyes or because when I printed it, the negative was a bit out of focus. There is also a tiny white spot on my picture that I’d need to colour in. It might be dust (although I used a ‘blower’) or a defect on the film (it kept on coming back on several films exactly at the same place).

Post-production wise (difital), I burnt the gloves, change the highlights and the skin tone (very yellow), I also cropped the picture.

[wwounu]

“I told you look good in that pose — See, why don’t you trust me?” You shoved the camera into Minghao’s face as the two of you walk, presenting the picture in between his eyes.

“Sorry, sorry… It just felt stupid how you made me hunch over like that for three minutes. Remind you, my back kills.”

“Because you don’t know how to differentiate two days rest and two weeks rest! Learn to count next time, or learn how to rest.”

As soon as you got to campus — Minghao passing stupid jokes he heard from a friend to you — you can’t help but notice the lost-looking lady stood afar, searching for something.

You squint, tracing out her slick hair in a ponytail, blue and white striped suit — structured enough to make her stand out — the popped out lipstick and heels revealing itself under her pant leg, and if you looked up a little bit, you would see her hand decorated in acrylic nails and a silver watch, holding a folder.

“Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit-“ You whack Minghao’s arm repetitively, immediately hugging it straight after as you eye the woman. “That woman— She works for a high end modelling company, I’ve seen her in magazines and photoshoots, not only that but she’s been in the industry as a modelling mentor- She’s even worked with my favourite photographer for years and… And… Is she coming our way?! Minghao, hit me, this must be a dream—“

You suddenly stop as the male fulfils you request, tapping you lightly (lightly is a nicer way to put it) on your head the closer the woman got to you. You’re about to let go of Minghao until he nudges you, and here you are: Stood in front of an afflatus that has worked with your photographer hero while your arms are firmly squeezing your ‘best friend’s’ (even though we know it’s way past that now) arm as if your life depended on it.

“Mr. Xu Minghao, is it?” She asks, examining Minghao up and down. You, on the other hand, try to hold in your small squeals as she addressed Minghao- Minghao, so formally. The latter nods to confirm to the woman. “Ah. So my workers and co-workers have been seeing your face make a few appearances on social media and your name pop up multiple of times. I’ve seen all the work based around you, and you see, your style is quite absorbing to look at. Are you in a modelling business yet?”

Minghao shakes his head. To be honest, he didn’t understand most words that left the serious-looking lady’s mouth, but the simple question was the only thing he got (thankfully).

“Would you like signing with us? Of course, you would have to be casted and we’ll do the rest, but with what we’ve seen, that’ll be kept in mind.”

At this point, your mind is exploding with unexplainable feelings. Minghao? Xu Minghao, being casted for a modelling job? This was amazing, absolutely mind-blowing, but the more you thought about it the more insecure you got with the thought of what Minghao was feeling. What if he wasn’t ready for that step yet? What if he still isn’t confident in front of a camera? What if this stresses him more? What if—

“Under one condition.”

‘Huh?’ Confused, your head slightly turns to Minghao, who gives you a subtle wink in return before he sneaks his hand to your hip.

“My girlfriend has to be the photographer.” He says quite proudly, despite not knowing what to do after the request. The woman looks over to you and you sheepishly beam a smile, the camera lightly hitting your chest as it dangles from your neck.

She puckers her lips and hums. You can tell she’s suspicious about you, but with you being an essential part to Minghao, it was a request that could not be left undone. “I think we can do something about that.” She suddenly claps her hands, putting the thought aside. “That’s that then. We’ll call you by next week and everything else will be settled.” Two business cards are given to you and Minghao. “Until next time, the both of you.” She struts off.

You semi-bow out of respect with Minghao as she leaves. At first, it was funny seeing Minghao’s face staring at the card. You, having the need to react, laugh and jump up and down with the male happily, stomping your feet and bringing his hands to your cheeks, squealing things along the lines of ‘What the heck?’ ‘Holy shit!’ ‘Did you just get casted?!’ (despite being in front of other college kids minding their own business).

You slap Minghao on the chest, taking a turn on your happy reaction. “Hey punk! Why did you have to mention me to her? This is your chance to shine, not mine! And all the photographers in the industry are better than me, so-“

“Better or not, I want you.”

Flustered, you blush at his choice of words.

“Without me, you wouldn’t have gotten that grade because you’ve worked so hard. And without you working so hard, I wouldn’t have gotten this opportunity. Like, you can’t have one without the other, right? It’s all because of you. I’m comfortable with you Y/N, and that will never change. Even if the modelling business is strict, I can’t look at any camera other than yours, let alone think of having a different photographer that isn’t you.”

“Me? But…”

“You make me feel at so much ease when you’re the one who’s holding that camera. Needless to say, you deserve this. You have more potential than I have, and if you still don’t think so, I’ll make you believe you do. Rather than me shining, I want it to be the two of us. Me and you.”

Through silent thoughts, the both of you steadily inch closer and closer, before your lips share a simple kiss for what felt infinite. But to slightly ruin the mood, of course, you could hear a faint voice of Minghao’s friend shouting ‘Holy shit that’s Minghao!’, but it was safe to say the male didn’t hear it.

After the breath-taking moment, you and Minghao settle looking at each other’s eyes, fixing your stare at the kindest eyes you’ve ever met and the genuine smile you get to see everyday.

“Me and you, eh?”

“Anything to make you belong with me and make me belong to you.”

OPPOSITES ATTRACT PART SEVENTEEN (FINAL) — Model!Minghao x Photographer!Reader

here’s the part where we say goodbye to our fourth au. it sucks. and to put into context, its 3:30am by the time this has been written and all ive been listening to are sad songs - probably not the greatest choice but its good to know i am very sad lololol… i really hope everyone enjoyed this au (as always), and i also hoped you liked the instagram segments because they were cool to do but the drove me crazy. but with out next au coming, SOONYOUNG, it’ll hopefully be good (its very lighthearted as well, trust me or not, might leave you breathless but idk) ive got a confession to make, the last time i did this final message there was a keaspo with ‘media based’ so i might add in one right now. there you go :) | artist!soonyoung

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