#there we go ill prob post more progress as i go

[kennerkitty1984]

TRYING to make her btw :j since itsss very unlikely ill ever get my hands on the real thing

[tiptapricot]

YOU HAD A DINLUKE ERA??? they’re eating my brain currently…

I did I did when I first got into Mando. They’re still in there n probs gonna come back as S3 progresses. Have I actually seen any other SWs content? Haha…. No. But I can research and their vibes r off the charts man. Ur welome to go thru my dinluke tag for my history of post rbs they make me wanna exolode. Somth somth two men both tasked w building their respective cultures n practices up from striation and being severely depleted, and also struggling with keeping to their personal beliefs while shouldering that, the versions of their practice that are seen as right or wrong depending on who’s teaching. And all of this while being from opposite sides of historically opposed factions that used to not be opposites, their worlds currently colliding via a child that is of both worlds and needs both of them.

Luke’s utilization in mando has been trash though DHDHDBD they rlly introduced a fucking fascinating plot via the power of nostalgia bait n then said “Man we should bring this guy back for more nostalgia bait in the side series, too bad there’s nothing we can do to make him a more regular part of the plot and appear more often. Guess that’s over with.” AND ILL EXPLODE THEM W MY MIND AB IT!

[thelittlestdragon]

First off, this post is horrifyingly long. Second, this post is unedited. Believe it or not, my job involves a great deal of writing. But this, this isn’t earning me a salary. This is thoughts on paper (or my iCloud notes) at worst and a trauma dump at best. I’ve felt a lot shifting in my life recently. I don’t like change, and yet I throw myself into it because I am convinced I have something to fucking prove every second of every heckin’ day. (Former gifted and talented kid here).

Those close to me have known I spent much of my life fighting. That I’ve “overcome so much.” But fuck, I am tired. I am exhausted from being the poster child for inner strength. I’m tired of so many viewing me as a person who is formidable simply because my story involves a fair amount of pain. I want to be known as a fucking dragon who will burn a city to the ground, not because I have a tortured, character arc of a past, but because I give so many fucks about people. My people. The world. Myself. So I’m taking a step.

That being said, this is not a call for help. For once in my life I am safe. I feel safe. I feel loved. I’ve been so ridiculously fortunate to have my circle of people, my chosen family by my side. I am simply trying something new. Taking a big girl step. In an effort to heal, accept, and ascend into whatever dragon queen being I can, I am writing bits of my life down. Im doing this for myself. Because I need to be vulnerable. I need to speak it, write it, feel it, accept it… and then let it go.* I am also doing this for anyone out there who might need to know that even after everything is all right that it’s okay to still feel like you are struggling. Your progress is not diminished because you have a bad day. It is not erased because you are still feel afraid or hurt.

Before we go further TW to all. Descriptions, language and scenes of physical, emotional and verbal abuse; narcissism; domestic violence; sexual assault; suicide; guns; mental illness; familial trauma; religion used as a manipulative weapon; and probs more but those are the biggies. If there are others you feel I should include please let me know.

If you read beyond this, thanks for coming to my TED talk.

—————————————————————

All of my life I’ve had to get up. Claw. Climb. Scream. Rage. Fight.

Some of my earliest memories are of my family in chaos. Pain. Today, I know that is because I lived with a narcissist. An abuser. A predator. Someone who was supposed to be my father. I did not get to be a child. So many people saw what was happening. So many people could have asked the right questions, should have asked the questions, and did not. I had teachers, friends and even coaches who viewed me as a troubled person. Who viewed me as less, because the signs they saw, the ones they chose to ignore, were character flaws. They were weaknesses to exploit. I have been told a lot of things about myself throughout my life… from people who were supposed to protect me.

YOU ARE AN EMBARRASSMENT.

Is what my father said when I didn’t want to take the picture for my “album cover.” He was a “musician” always days away from his next big break, his next tour. He “gave up his life and to give me one.” He said it so often I should have had it memorialized on something. He was convinced that if he pushed me to sing, to the play piano, that I would be his in to the music industry. His final big break. He’d decided we would take pictures for my upcoming album? Yo, I was seven. I wanted to literally just study for my second grade spelling test. We took his pictures first, myself and my mom. He was writing a new album so, he needed promotional photos too. I was up next. I had long brown hair. So long I could sit on it. We took a few with my hair cascading down my back and me smiling a toothless grin. I’d just lost two of my bottom teeth. Then he pulled my hair forward, and told me to take my shirt off. I didn’t want to because it was cold. He said it was “part of the artistic vision.” My mom looked uncomfortable and I didn’t know why. They pulled my hair forward to cover, took my shirt and took the photos. To this day I don’t know where the photos are or what was done with them. I don’t remember ever seeing them. It took me until I was twenty seven to remember that night. In the past few years, I learned that he’d sexually abused my sister when she was a child. And that my other sister had become prey for my paternal grandfather. I personally don’t remember of any other instances happening to me beyond those photos. I do however, remember that I was seven and that I was cold.

YOU ARE NOTHING.

Is why my father said to me when he set his 40 caliber handgun on the oak, pullout TV tray and stared at me. Once again, my mother and I had done something wrong. I can’t remember what as there were so many times. So many times I’d been beaten. So many times he’d dragged me by my hair from one room to the next. Once, I’d kicked him, trying to get him to release my hair. My mother begged me, sobbed, to get me to stop. To end it. Because clearly, I was in control. This particular time, the gun was not a threat to me. But a “come to Jesus moment.” He’d declared (for the third time?) he was going to shoot himself. He would end his life and it was my fault. I’d become so awful in my 14 years that the only thing or situation to rectify it, was for him to leave me on this earth “alone.” “This is the only way your mother will truly be a mom to you,” he said. “You deserve this, you are wicked and god will remember the blood I spill from myself because of you.” So, feeling overwhelmed with guilt, I asked him whether he wanted to be buried or cremated. He smiled, praised me for my strength. Told me I’d need it to get by without him. He did not kill himself. Two days later, he took me to get ice cream.

YOU’RE DOING GREAT. (TW sexual assault)

Is what my then boyfriend said when I put the red colored, flavored? condom on him. I’d gone with him to the movies to see Inception in theaters. It was Halloween. Halloween was my favorite. He’d talked me in to going home with him to watch movies instead. My mother knew I was at the movies. His mom was going to drive us. My father was on a hunting trip. I had one parent in the mix who said it was okay. So, I felt it was safe. No chance of my father finding out. His mom let us go in his room to watch paranormal activity. She let him close the door. I’d never been in a room with the door closed before. I wasn’t allowed. He said it’s because we were 15. And he’d promised not to be loud. I giggled. 30 minutes later he showed me how to put a condom on. It wasn’t my first time having sex (my 2nd - rip to my first love and summer romance) but it was the first time I did that. I was okay with it. Excited even. I’d known him since middle school. Liked him too. At this point, we’d been together an astounding 2 weeks. I felt like he wanted this so I wanted it to. It was fine at first but when I went to lay on my back he grabbed my waist and flipped me on my stomach. “What are you doing,” I asked suddenly nervous. “Shhhh. I got you.” I decided I didn’t want it. I had heard about it, but I didn’t want to do it. Anal was not something I thought would be fun. I sat up, said “I don’t think I want this anymore.” He kissed my shoulder and pushed me back down. “It’s okay. It’s just me. You’re doing great.” is what he whispered over and over again in my ear while my hair blocked my sight. My hair was so long it got wrapped around my face. I struggled to breathe through it. I was frozen. I didn’t say anything. When we got dressed to leave he kissed my head and his mom drove us back to the movie theater. He dumped me a week later.

YOU ARE WEAK.

Is what my father said when I’d screamed loud enough for our neighbors to hear, “leave her alone!” He’d gone after my mother again. Hitting her. Shoving her. He was 5’ 11” and 280lbs. She was 5’1” and at the time, 140… maybe. I’d had it. I was 16, and all my life I remember a handful of days that were good. So good that I felt like daddy’s princess. Everyone who “knew him” outside of our household or circle, thought of him as an upstanding, god-fearing man. To us, he was a monster behind closed doors. One that was a fucking bomb that could blow up at any second. And then there were days like that night. He’d hit her, dragged her by her hair and into her room before slamming the door. Her screams and sobs grew louder. So I screamed. He was in a rage when he opened the door. He came after me, and she’d come out of her room saying she was so sorry, to stop this. He’d turned to hit her until I stepped in front of him and he hit me instead. I felt power in that moment. But it was fleeting.

YOU ARE NOT A TEAM PLAYER.

Is what my cheer coach told me when I asked why I wasn’t eligible to be a candidate for cheer captain as one of 3 varsity seniors. I’d put in the work for three years. All the events. Car washes. Practice. Games. But I was laughed at when I asked why. The week prior, I missed a special stunt group (Saturday) practice in preparation for state comp because my father locked me in a closet for getting a B in my math class and C on a chem test. They called again and again. I was allowed to answer the third time they called. “Where are you? Why would you do this? Do you understand that you’re hurting the team?” My father said it was a privilege to be at practice… that I didn’t deserve it. So, I wasn’t going. I simply told my coach and stunt group I couldn’t make it. When I couldn’t give a reason why, he hit me for my bad grades. He hit me for crying during the phone call. Two days later, he hit me again for losing my spot on the stunt team. I had the poorly covered bruises to prove it. They didn’t ask if I was okay after an out-of-character no call no show. They whispered when I walked into practice. My coach said people who aren’t team players don’t get opportunities.

YOU WILL NOT FUCK THIS UP FOR ME.

Is what my father said after he woke me up to hand me the college acceptance letter I’d received. The one and only I was going to receive as I’d only applied to one school. The one that he’d already opened and read without me, because my accomplishments were never about me. They were a means to an end for him. “You will not date,” “you will not impregnate yourself,” and “you will not embarrass me” were next. When the time came, he drove me up to school - 300+ miles north, but still in the same state. He and my mother dropped me off at school saying that despite my failures, some admissions counselor had taken pity on me. That I was an Alvarez. That I would not fuck this up because my family needed me.

YOU ARE DEAD.

Is what my father said on his 1,949,373,678 voicemail after I walked out of a restaurant, got in my best friend’s car and left him (and my mother) behind. Two days before, I’d told him I’d changed my major, I’d gotten a job and I’d be living in my college town from now on. As a 19 year old, this was legal… normal even. For a narcissist, an abuser, this meant he was losing control of me. This wasn’t in his plan. He threatened me and my mother and told me I had to make the 300+ mile trip home to get all of my things because they would throw them out. All in all I should not have gone. But I went anyway, and my best friend drove me across the state. The moment I got there, the threats and the violence promised over the phone were washed away with hugs, kisses and laughter. He was a completely different person. So glad to have his daughter back. The second I could get a moment alone with my mother, I said “he has no intention of letting me leave. He’s never going to let me go is he?” She wouldn’t say anything. Wouldn’t make eye contact. I knew. I was in a panic. There wasn’t a way out. We’d gone to dinner, and I’d told my best friend to make the trip back without me, that I’d figure it out. Instead she walked into the restaurant 20 minutes later with a smile and all of the power of a warrior goddess. She smiled. She charmed. He melted. She was always his favorite of my friends. She used this to conjure up an excuse to get me outside. It worked. We ran.

YOU ARE A DISAPPOINTMENT.

Is what my father said when I refused to come home for holidays over the next few years. It’s hard to disconnect entirely from an abuser. Even harder when they are your father. He said I was the reason my mother cried. It’s definitely not because she is bipolar and is married to an abusive narcissist who had ruined all of their relationships with every one of their six children. After everything, I had agreed to weekly phone calls. Mostly to make sure she was alive. If I missed one, there was hell to pay. If I missed Christmas, he said god would make sure I regretted missing it. When I missed their wedding anniversary, I was told I was the scum of the earth for not sending a gift or saying anything. There was never a moment in my life that I ever saw, remember or even heard them mention celebrating their anniversary. To this very moment, I don’t know what day it is.

YOU ARE NOT MY DAUGHTER.

Is what my father said when I cut him out of my life entirely the day I told him I didn’t want him to come to my college graduation. I’d just spent 4.5 years earning my bachelor’s degree and putting myself through school, and I wanted it to be about my accomplishments. I’d been accepted into a masters program and was ready to grow. I knew the second he stepped foot on campus, I’d return to that closed-off caged person. That my day would belong to the narcissist that he is. I told him not to come. The fear I felt was astronomical. He of course told me “I was nothing.” That I’d done and earned nothing without him. In asking him not to come, I’d lost my mother too. Today, it hurts to hear my siblings talk about her. Saying it’s her fault they were hurt. They knew her in another life, before me. (I was born a month after my closest sibling turned 17). They watched her give everything to him and never stand up to him. I recognize that as a mother, she should have chosen her children. She should have chosen me. But I know she was a victim too. I can’t resent her for what she did or didn’t do. She never had the strength to step away. He owned every part of her. She believed it to her very soul. As far as I know, to this day she still does. So, I received my diploma, I left my father’s abuse behind and I lost my mother. But I never really had her.

——————

You will always have people who will tell you who and what you are. But you have the power to change that. You can make that choice for yourself.

The point of this is not to tell you I had a shit childhood. It’s not to gain pity or support. I have built my family and support system over the years. Without them, I wouldn’t be here.

In a way, this is my own form of therapy. This isn’t the first time I’ve told someone different parts of my trauma. However, it is the first time I’ve written it down or told complete strangers. Fuck, this is my first post on tumblr… so, yay! Gold star for me.

I hope that sharing my experiences might help someone else. Someone who is maybe still struggling with the things that have happened to them. I hope that if you read this, that you share it so that they might someday know that the things/situations/moments that happened to them don’t have to be used as a weapon. That they don’t always have to be strong. People will always try to explain away your ticks. Your mannerisms. Your emotions. Your reactions. They might roll their eyes when you say you can’t eat that food, watch that movie, visit that place. I hope from the bottom of my heart that if you take anything away with you from this horrifyingly long, and incredibly vulnerable piece of me, it’s that what happened to you is REAL. Your response and feelings are real. They are valid. Someone else’s experience does not make yours any less valid, traumatizing or painful.

Amid it all, I got up. I clawed. I climbed. I screamed. I raged. I fought.

I still I get up. Claw. Climb. Scream. Rage. Fight.

I recognize that I am the vessel for my own darkness. I am the host for my trauma. All that I have experienced has made me, me. I have made peace with that. And, I can acknowledge that my trauma built me into someone I love today while also acknowledging that what happened to me was PREVENTABLE. It was FUCKED UP. IT WAS NOT OKAY. That does not mean I have to allow my trauma to control me or anyone else.

*Here it is. That little asterisk that was included at the top of this novel. If you were wondering where the fuck it was or why it was there - you have arrived* I wrote this to help myself be vulnerable. To heal and to let some of this shit go. Please keep in mind that letting go, does not mean forgiving. There are some things I have, and some things I. Will. Not. Before y’all say “forgiveness is freedom” please btfu. If there is a higher power, forgiveness is for them. I can let go of what I need to let go of. I do not need to forgive things to feel at peace. That is my choice. For those of you who need it, more power to you. But for anyone who may never want to forgive, that does not make you a bad person.*

My trauma is with me everyday. Whispering. Begging. It’s in the days I can’t wash my hair. It’s in the food I can’t taste or won’t eat. It’s in the bed I can’t move from. In the air I can’t breathe. And still, it does not own me. I will not let it. Because when I have the strength again, I will get up.

I will claw. I will climb. I will scream. I will rage. I will fight.

And so will you.

@againstacecilia thanks for walking into that restaurant. You are my hero. I am forever in your debt.

@heathermysoulchildwhoistoocoolfortumblrandpostsherbadassfanficsonao3instead thanks for teaching me that family is built and that am worthy of love.

@mycutiepatootiehusbandwhoisaredditshitposterandpossiblyscaredoftumblrasheshouldbe thanks for choosing life and love with me everyday.

[yanbub]

multiple announcements coming through !

okok first of all, im back 😋. as in ill be fully active again like usual xdxd.

i know i didn't seem like i was on a semi-hiatus but shhh i had to take care of things and i had to fix my mental stability too.

i'm really sorry that i didn't reply to my inbox while i was gone !! i was very unmotivated to reply during the whole break even tho i rbed some ask games LOL. ill reply to them later so your wait won't be that long anymore !

thank you all 4 ur patience and efforts 💞

pls read the other announcements utc! its all important and i just cut it so that it wont clog up other's dashboards.

second of all, the blog will go a heavy revamp session! please don't mind the spam posting, it'll just be me organizing my blog all over again.

the revamp will include the following:

a new tagging system

(finally) an official post for my blog rules, writing rules, etc. i know i have a carrd for that but im tired of editing it every now and then

a clean up! ill be deleting some old posts such as my shitposts and some other miscellaneous things i want out of this blog. and sadly, this includes the requests that was left in my inbox. sorry that you didn't get your request done ^^'

i think thats p much it? again dont mind the spam posting you'll see when this is in progress!

asks will be answered AFTER this revamp session is done.

third, a new character for the character list! thoma is added now. as for gorou, well, that's still dependable since i haven't grasped his personality yet with the little interaction we got from the archon quests. ill try writing for him but only on specific and self indulgent ideas.

not that important but new theme hehe. ive had this theme on pc for a while now but i wanted to change it on mobile once im back from the break. anyways stan remi ayasaki for clear skin yalls

to explain further about me deleting requests in my inbox, as you saw during my break i only posted self indulgent content.

i don't really wanna open requests for a while since i have so many self indulgent ideas that i wanna focus on. the ideas that you sent in were honestly great but im sorry that i won't be able to write it :((

though there might be times that i won't be writing because deadass i post content almost everyday, i need a break too 🧍‍♀️.

HOWEVER! if you're willing to send in some brainrot at my inbox, ill be more than glad to whip up a small blurb/ficlet for you! or maybe ill add more onto that brainrot, who knows really.

YEAH THAT'S ALL IT FEELS GREAT TO BE BACK HOLY SHIT HWK2HKDHDJDJDJCJC

anyways if you reached this part of the post, congrats! you're probs the only one who bothered to read all the important announcements.

ill be off to revamp the blog now and istg ill finally answer asks after that 😭 i missed interacting w yall but i swear my motivation said no <//3

bye bye now, ty for reading <33

[dreadnought-dear-captain]

You Asked, I Told

Spoilers up to Chapter 37 of Baghdad Waltz

Hi everyone,

I’m so very sorry for being so late with getting Chapter 38 out. Writing that Spent Brass put a delay in everything, though it was really crucial to get it posted before this next chapter.

This has been a really tough chapter to get right for me. I’ve gone back to the drawing board more than once for a couple scenes. I’m not sure when it will be out, but I’m working on it daily and making some good progress. Thank you for sending me your words of encouragement and letting me know you’re thinking of me! I’m thinking of you too and know you’re really looking forward to more. It will be a doozy, in terms of content, so I hope it’s worth the wait.

In horrifying news, BW is turning THREE YEARS OLD on March 13th. Kill me. (But not before I finish this fucking thing.)

In the meantime, here are some answers to some Asks-------

Thank you so much for the very kind words. I’m so pleased that this story checks off so many of your boxes, and I’m relieved to know that the structure and methods I’ve chosen for storytelling have lent to a balanced narrative where you can appreciate both of these characters. I figure people don’t have to like each character equally, or at all. I just really want their choices make sense, for each character to have a distinct psychology, to have each action and reaction be believable, even if it is infuriating or illogical (it can still fall within the character’s internal logic, based on their own worldview). And I am so honored that this fic can serve as some inspiration for your own. God knows I have mine I go to on the reg when my stuff sucks and I can’t string two words together to save my life.

This is a deceptively silly question, I think (because I can’t keep anything simple). Working out together would be a nice little nostalgic throwback, wouldn’t it? I sometimes pop back to earlier chapters when they were in Baghdad and think about those times with a wistful smile. I think about the way they related, the way they looked, the relative lack of complications in their lives, and it’s such a profound departure from the way things are now.

Steve obviously has kept up his gym going with Matt. We’ve also seen that working out for him is about more than just being swole and hawt; it’s about control and regulating his emotions. And for Bucky, working out used to be a way of maintaining peak fitness for his career, which was one of the ways that he evaluated his self-esteem. If he was fit, he had value. Also, if he was fit, he was sexy, and we know that sexual capability is also one of the primary currencies he uses to determine his self-worth. He also used the construction of his physique as a way to develop his masculinity, the correct form of [gay] masculinity, rather than being a twink or a sissy. This was always a struggle against Bucky’s natural slim body composition, which has become his default again now that he’s been out of the military.

Now Bucky faces a couple of hurdles to exercise, whether he would do it for health or for building his physique. He has the challenges brought about by his many injuries - compromised grip in his left hand due to his massive forearm injuries and inconsistent rehabilitation efforts, ongoing pain in his right foot and a continued limp from that, significant back and hip pain due to very heavy load bearing and overcompensation from his foot injury. This would make it challenging for him to engage in any intense fitness program. What he really needs is to go back to physical therapy, and probably occupational therapy as well, but last time didn’t go so hot last time.

Even if he didn’t have to contend with his injuries, Bucky is at a bit of a crossroads in terms of how much energy he wants to put into rebuilding and maintaining his ideal physical self, which seems to be based on some prototype he picked up long ago (more on that in a future chapter). No chest hair, no body fat, muscles, a perfectly shaved asshole at all times… But he’s not 21 anymore. He has a boyfriend now. And even though he’d probably love to go to the gym to shoulder in on Steve’s time with Matt, I wonder if he would want to go for himself anymore. I wonder if going with Steve would be intimidating or make him feel pressured to fall back into his old patterns. Because now at least he has the excuse that he can’t lift heavy, that he can’t run, so he might as well not even try. But if he could, it would be interesting to see where his path would go as a 31-year-old man.

See? You thought it would be a simple “Yeah, there’re totes gonna go to the gym together, chapter 41, stay tuned!” or “No, probs not, I don’t think he’s much of a gym goer anymore.” Alas. I give no simple answers. This is why you have to wait 5 months for a BW chapter.

This is a good observation. Bucky loves himself a good drunk pizza. He also watches a lot of food-related TV when he drinks. Bucky has had to think a lot about food for various reasons. One is building muscle and physique when his body is telling him NO I WILL NOT. One is not eating so that he can get drunk faster. One is eating the right kind of diet so that he can have anal sex without having to worry about digestive issues (constipation, feeling too full, not being ‘ready,’ too much or too little shitting), which is a thing he would take seriously a hardcore bottom. I see things like pizza as a comfort food, family food, something Winnie would get for them every Friday night after they moved to New York. It’s a very emotional food for him, but he knows it’s “bad” for all of the aforementioned reasons, because it will make you fat and slow your buzz and stuff up your colon, so he might be most inclined to eat it when deep in a bender and doesn’t give a shit about those other things. Because Bucky not only drinks to forget and manage intense emotions, but he drinks also to just relax the relentless march of self-perpetuated, often absurd rules about what and who he is and what he can and should do. So yes, Bucky has some disordered eating, most of it functional, though a lot of his lack of eating recently is likely anxiety-related and/or stomach illness-related.

Another excellent observation. For those who might need a refresher, since this was in chapter 36:

The morning after Bucky shows up at Steve’s drunk and they have sex and many revelations are made about drinking during their relationship, Bucky gets honest about what happened the day before. He tells Steve:  “I had my interview. It— I really don’t know how it went. I was so out of it. I’ve been so fucked up these past couple weeks. Just— it’s been bad. Really bad.” He tells the story of what happened at Scott’s. Steve asks why Bucky didn’t tell him he was struggling, and Bucky says that he didn’t want to get into it. Steve shifts in to talking about whether they should get back together.

I think there are a couple things here I could say. Yes, Bucky saying that he’s struggling is an example of some unusually straight-forward honesty that’s also a personal risk for himself. That’s a real measure of progress! But while I think this honesty is something that’s pretty new, the fact that he’s in a bad place mentally is not new information to Steve. I think back to the chapter before, after Bucky’s PT appointment with Luke, where he was clearly very distraught and having an extremely difficult time. Steve couldn’t get him to say what was happening then, but it was clear that it was something very major.  So I don’t think this really felt to him like a major revelation, like Bucky’s really been holding it all together perfectly while imploding on the inside. I think this observation was more like, why didn’t you just TELL me you were struggling rather than having to have me wonder and then get wasted and come here drunk? Steve has a long history of asking Bucky if he’s okay and getting the brushoff. He’s probably starting to get tired of always asking and getting shot down.

Another part of your question is also very valid - is this the right time to get into a relationship??  Haha. Ha. Well, nobody said these two were good at making relationship decisions. But on a more serious note, Bucky having struggles is not only not new information for this month, it’s not new information for their relationship. Bucky has always had a secret life of pain that Steve has had to wonder about, ask about, beg to be let into, and he probably figures that one of the best ways he can affect change is if they’re in a romantic relationship. It will let him get close, give him some leverage, etc. So although it might come off as callous, Bucky’s struggles are the rule rather than the exception, and Steve probably figures he needs to get this relationship locked down so that he can get them into therapy and much-needed help.

Of course, there’s plenty of dramatic irony here, right? Steve doesn’t know what we know, which is that what Bucky is struggling with here is the REALLY BIG STUFF. He probably just thinks it’s his usual stuff. So. We’ll see where that goes. Bucky is going to maintain this illusion for as long as he possibly can.

Yes, @pitchforkcentral86​ and I had several conversations about whether Bucky should have an animal. It’s a common trope in fic, and a joyful one to read. (Omg, I didn’t know about Alpine until now and I am thrilled!) And yes, service dogs, emotional support animals, therapy animals, pets, they can all be very healing, can provide meaning and purpose, and can also help to structure the lives of people who feel destabilized in various ways.

However, I have held back on giving Bucky an animal because a) his aforementioned history with animals, and b) I’m not sure if that’s what he needs at this point in his journey. I do really think Bucky has some sort of healing that needs to take place around animals. He loves animals. He loves nature and is a true soft boy (TM) who has been deeply hurt by his experiences. It was very inconsistent with his values to do the things he did, see the things he saw, and it’s so painful that he doesn’t know how to reconcile it.

But he’s in such a precarious place now emotionally, with such low resources, and he can barely even share the smallest pieces himself with other humans. People are a lot more complicated, yes, but animals are a lot of responsibility. He would be so hard on himself if he didn’t do a good job, if he didn’t react well to his animal companion, etc. And I think it would probably be more bang for his buck to devote that energy to trying to increasing his emotional intimacy with his partner or his sponsor or other important humans in his life who are asking for his trust. He could GO BACK TO THERAPY EVEN.  

I do think something that would potentially be helpful and pretty low resource cost is to have a therapy animal in his life, like something he could go periodically, a therapy dog at the VA or something he could visit and pet once in a while. It would be a good start.

But that’s just my thinking for this character specifically. I think service/emotional support/therapy animals are wonderful and can create incredible bridges for people to improving their quality of life.

Well, that’s all for now! I will continue plugging away at BW and will get it to you as soon as I can. Thank you, as ever, for your patience! And thank you for the wonderful Asks <3 <3 <3

[inactivepersonnnnnn]

II Animatic Ideas

I HAVE TOO MANY OF THEM SO THE ONES I PROBABLY WONT MAKE WILL BE PUT HERE IN CASE SOMEONE WANTS TO MAKE IT OR I LOOK BACK AT THIS LIST.

Yee. This a looong post.

1. Familiar - Steven Universe

I was thinking it could be about MePhone4 and his memories. The first “Mom” could be the standards he needed to meet and the other moms could be referring to Steve Cobs or something like that.

2. I’m not a Robot - Marina & The Diamonds

Another MePhone one! This time, it could focus on MePhone and Cob’s relationship. Mainly MePhone trying to show Cobs that he, unlike a robot, can make mistakes and can’t meet all of Cob’s expectations.

3. Little Game - Benny

This one’s about Paintbrush. I mean- do I really have to explain? It fits really well in my opinion.

4. I am not Nothing - Beth Crowley

Suitcase standing up to Baseball and Nickel would really fit this song. With her thinking they were just taking advantage of her and the whole misunderstanding, this would fit.

5. Two Player Game - Be More Chill

Fan and Test Tube NEED to sing this song. I feel like this would sorta be something to look back at their friendship. Perhaps it could end or include a flashback of them looking at the stars? It’d probably take place in the space of time before Mine Your Own Business but after Alternate Reality Show and they’d somehow be playing a video game and just hanging out. (I really want this to happen if you couldn’t tell but I wanna do other animatics too)

6. Control - Halsey

-Inhales- I HAVEN’T SEEN SOMEONE MAKE THIS YET AND I’M SHOCKED NO ONE HAS. We need one for Paper and Evil Paper. This song can basically sum up what was happening to him in season one like omg.

7. Stressed Out - Twenty One Pilots

Really fitting considering how the competition has been . . . That. Oh, how nice and simple times were before! That was back when the worst thing that happened was a petty fight that wouldn’t cause them to be mad for long. Wouldn’t the II cast want to go back to those times? -Sigh- If only.

8. Worst Day of my Life - Alec Benjamin

Yet another MePhone one! (I’m really interested in his backstory XD) This one could focus on his life with Cobs and leaving by the verse after the first chorus and eventually erasing his memories near the end before the final chorus.

9. Inner Demons - Julia Brennan

This could fit for both Suitcase and Paper and frankly, I feel like this sums up what they were experiencing (but to be honest, I feel like it fits Suitcase more since Paper didn’t really seemed scared of Evil Paper but instead scared of how he hurt others). 

10. Secrets - One Republic

I feel like this song (especially the chorus) fits who Taco was. It could start with her and Pickle and progress to her story with Mic. It would a be a great song representing how she’s staring to come clean and being more honest and open.

11. I’m the Bad Guy - Wander Over Yonder

First of all, if ever I make it, I would use the Undertale cover mainly because I’d find it funny having Taco sounding like an evil little kid the entire video. Yes, this one’s for Taco. It’d be for Cobs but then “I’m not your best friend or distraught and clueless” sounds a BIT too much like Taco. Okay, a LOT like Taco. Anyways, this’d show a different side to her where she’s an evil piece of Mexican food and everyone is her peasant. Just imagine Pickle going against her. AGH my heart.

12. Be Somebody - Thousand Foot Krutch

I feel like I should end this on a happy song considering all the drama I packed into the previous ones. I imagine this one would focus on the contestants helping each other and growing as people. Bringing out the best and worst in each other while demonstrating how far they’d go to win.

---

S’yeah. Feel free to use these (and check out the songs, they’re really good). I’m not sure if hearing a song and thinking about an animatic for it happens to everyone but it does for me and I thought I’d share my ideas! I’ll probs share more if I come up with more. If you’ve got some too, perhaps reblog? Idk, I’d like to hear your ideas :3

[wrenchyyyy]

Leaving

It’s time

It’s time for me to move on.  My depression has grown to be a bit stronger than expected...I feel like this site is dying and since i have no one to talk to this is the perfect place to go.  I will not be going back to tumblr .  Maybe ill check in a year on this post to see my progress but I doubt it.  Twitter and snapchat.  I’ll stay on those.   Social Media is toxic.

Anyway yes I have been depressed for the last 2-3 years and honestly I don’t think anyone but John, Ade, and Irene know.  It sucks because i will never kill myself but I honestly don’t want to live anymore.  I just feel like I have no purpose and that’s bad to say.  I know.

My depression is just something that just won’t go away.  It definitely got worse in like 2016-2017.  I saw somewhere this quote and it stuck with me for a long long long time.  

“You will always remember the people that were there for you during the lowest shittiest times of your life. Whether friends or family, whether they’re in your life today or not. You will always remember. “

This ^^^^^^^^^^^ times 8000000.  Family I keep saying it.  I envy anyone who has family members that they are really close with.  It’s so obvious in my family any way who the favorites are.  My sisters are clicky and so are my cousins.  They always have inside jokes all of which i can never relate to them.  My parents love my sisters and not gonna lie they love me to but they for sure favor my sisters.  I guess it’s cause they know I can handle shit thrown at me?   Who knows..  all i know is in my family I can’t openly express myself which is sad.  They def don’t know I’m depressed.  They probably think all I do is play videogames, watch sports, or work.  

Friends wise I can’t deny.  I have friends in all stages of my life.  GSA, QP, and MSU.  But do I see them ?  no?  Do i connect with them on THAT level?  Sure.  Depending on the people.  In grammar school, I had John and Grace.  In Qp, I had Ade.  In college, I had Cassie.  THAT level.  I’m talking life, finances, careers, family, friends, relationship, religion, people, etc.  

I know for a long period in my college career, I drifted from Ade and Grace.  Trust me when I say this changed my outlook on life, it really did.  That’s when I knew the word depression was REAL.  John, who’s pretty much my best guy friend, was always there but the fact that he isn’t in NJ is hard.  We can’t just meet up and talk.  Any way during this drift, I got super close to Cassie at MSU.  Not going to lie, if it wasn’t for her, my college experience and my life wouldn’t be the same.   She indirectly in her own way helped me cope with losing Ade and Grace.

Any way in about 2016-2017, Cassie stopped talking to me.  This devastated me more than even I knew.  I had to talk to Ade about this.  If you know me, you know I value friendship more than relationships.  Maybe it’s cuz I truly feel like I have no family and that Cassie (at the time) was the closest thing i had to a real true friend that made me feel like I had reason to live to the fullest).  Like I said before I had THAT type of relationship with her.  The type where when we talk, I feel enlightened lmao.  Really.   The crazy part now.  I am at ease with Ade.  We both matured.  She in her own right is humble and now worked hard to get where she is.  I truly believe that she is genuine and honestly it makes me so happy to know she is doing ok.  It’s what I always wanted.  Any way back on point.

Cassie was one of my real true friends and she just stopped talking to me.  The talks on family, life, careers, everything.  gone.  The part that Ade told me which is true is that she owes me NO explanation.  I’m not entitled to know why she left.  I just have to accept it.  It’s true.  I’m stubborn and i kept triple double texting her and all that annoying shit.  I have to see it from her point of view.  She prob thought I was crazy lmfao.  but in reality I guess i just was scared that the one person who made me feel happy and genuine was gone.  Any way it took awhile to accept that she really wasn’t my friend anymore.  Obviously the only way I know how she’s doing now is social media.  I mean she looks super happy with her bf and it makes me happy because i know she was struggling at a time too.  Any way I told Ade I was grateful for everything she has done for me and honestly I wish I can tell Cassie that too but I aint going to quadruple text and message her like 6000 times lmao.  The crazy part again is that this girl wasn’t my girlfriend.  She wasnt even my best friend tbh.  She was a really good and important friend that I needed and appreciated in a hard time in my life.   Thank you Cassie.  I truly wish you were still in my life but I need to respect myself enough to say this girl doesnt owe you an explanation on shit and she doesnt.   Also that she was a great friend to you.  

A huge part of my depression journey, was trying to “Forget” Cassie and i get it.  Move on Chris.  The girl doesn’t even give a ratt’s ass about you anymore.  One of her close friends Krenzy even noticed that i was “depressed”  which is crazy.  I don’t even talk to that girl.  I guess in a sense I did get closer to Irene and reconnected with Ade so there’s the only positive that came out of it.  Irene i will forever be grateful for.  This girl showed me everything and I am so glad I worked so that I can go to Cali to see her.  It really helped me mentally with that trip.   Ade is ade.  She’s a good person.  She even told me she didn’t mean to be the way she was in college and I respect her for that.  

I guess it’s crazy how it works.  Ade helped me get through Grace.  Cassie helped me get through Ade.  Ade and Irene helped me get through Cassie.  lmao .  In a sense, Ade really is a true friend and we aren’t even that close anymore.   Irene is well Irene.  I fucking love that girl.  

The next hard part was losing Jackie and Rich.  They moved away and it hurt me alot.  Another group of friends I met at MSU that I truly connected with.  It sucks...No one can talk to me about deep stuff.  Again looking back, I just felt alone.  Sad.  and just depressed.  I actually resorted to working more to forget and just cope with my pain.  It did not work.  I actually quit my job like 2 weeks ago haha but that’s another story.  

I always try to tell myself.  What do people see you as?  What do they see you doing?  Honestly people probably think when they look at my social media, Dolphins/Mets rants, Snapchat of stupid shit, he travels alot (Even tho i really don’t), and i dont know if that’s a good or bad thing.  

2018 was a good year. I can’t deny it.  I did alot of things I never thought I can do.  22/30 Baseball parks,  maxing out my 401 K, starting grad school, get a steady gym schedule going, learn to be on own.  Like financially, mentally, and like just a routine wise.  In 2019, I want to find purpose again.  I really do.  I keep thinking at least there are people who want to see me.  Like Irene and Ade.  Like my GSA friend.  Like Kim and Jan and nick.  like I do have friends.  I just wish i didnt feel so sad and alone.

For anyone who has felt so lost alone and depressed like me, it’s okay.  You will survive.  That void hurts.  I get it.  As someone who still is surrounded by so many people I feel so alone and sad.  Trust me, if I ever texted you, Hey lets hang out or catch up.  I genuinely mean it and i prob needed it.  but if you don’t respond or answer.  I get it.   It took me 2-3 years to fully accept that I can’t be friends with everyone.  My heart has been broken to the point where honestly the people left are the ones helping me pick up those pieces.  Any way.  

Farewell to anyone reading this.  If any one reads this.

[kaimiiru-creations]

Title: Bird Yellow ch3

Ch1: https://kaimiiru-creations.tumblr.com/post/174267595648/title-bird-yellow-ch1-ch2-in-progress-premise

Ch2: https://kaimiiru-creations.tumblr.com/post/174344527703/title-bird-yellow-ch2-ch1

Next chapter: not done yet

Premise: Arthur’s low opinion of humanity conflicts with bird club’s viewpoint.

Characters: Eishi, Arthur, Takayama, Umino, Rei, Kamoda, Marilyn, Naoyuki, Adam

Time taken: about three days

A/N: I had a vague idea about where this was going, but these characters haven’t failed to surprise me yet!

Code:

“Blah” Normal

“Blah” Normal Tweet/ Silentwing

“Blah” Loud Tweet/ Silentwing

“>Blah<” Death Tweet/ Bellwether

---

“Hey, why are we calling each other by our colors?” Arthur spoke up. He was drifting around, trying to find a good spot in the Bird Club’s natural v-shaped formation.

“That’s our codenames. Our human and bird club lives are different!” Kamoda replied.

“Oh! Oh yeah, who’s this ‘advisor’ you were talking about earlier today, Red?” Arthur asked.

“He’s a human.” Takayama said.

“Huh?!”

Detailed as ever, Takayama. Eishi thought dully. He felt his phone ring and answered it.

“Hi, Eishi. Are you all in the air?” Naoyuki asked.

“Yeah, I’m looking for your signal now, old man.” Eishi said. He felt Arthur fly up next to him, listening in no doubt with a frown on his face. Eishi ignored him, searching the ground for a flashing light.

“Over there!” Kamoda dived to speed up below Eishi and pointed.

“Confirmed signal. Beginning descent.” Eishi tucked his wings in and dived down to a house in a speedy fashion. Unused to their formation, Arthur fell behind and was the last to land on a large porch. Naoyuki was there, turning off his flashlight and waving them inside a dark room.

“Where is this? Is it safe?” Eishi pressed, keeping his mask on.

“We’ll talk inside.” Naoyuki said. Eishi nodded and followed him closely into the house, the others squeezing in behind him with their wings wrapped around them. “Ok, you can turn on the light now.”

The light flashed on, revealing Marilyn and a man in a room filled with costumes, masks, and hats.

“Iiiit’s Marilyn’s room!” Marilyn announced.

“Wahh, that scarf is so cute!” Umino squealed, pointing to the fox scarf that the man was wearing.

“Huh? Who is that?” Eishi asked, staring at the man.

“Is that a Russian?” Kamoda whispered.

“It’s Mr. Smith.” Rei replied.

“Wait,” Marilyn stared at Arthur, who stared at them as if they were oddly shaped aliens, “Are you…”

“The american birdman!” Mr. Smith said, blinking wide-eyed as he took off his hat, “You’re alive?!”

“HEY NAOYUKI?! WHY DID YOU BRING HIM HERE?! Are you trying to se-” Eishi panicked as the information of a ‘stranger’ being here sunk in.

Naoyuki wrestled Eishi to keep his hand over his mouth,“Shhh! Calm down! The neighbors can still hear you!”

“Can someone please translate for me???” Arthur cried.

“Kamoda, do you mind doing it? Gotta concentrate.” Rei asked.

“No prob!” Kamoda translated for Arthur. Arthur, quite suddenly, gave Mr. Smith an intense glare. He shouted something in english, fast enough that none of the bird club understood, but when they heard ‘Eden’ all eyes were fixed on Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith smiled as if resigned. Naoyuki stood in between Arthur and Mr. Smith, sensing Arthur was about to become violent.

“Please, let us explain.” Naoyuki pleaded with a panicked look on his face. Umino was the one who tugged Arthur back.

“Let me handle this, Phoenix.” Eishi said, and although Arthur let out a angry huff he stayed back.

“This is your case officer from Eden.” Naoyuki began. Eishi felt a bristling distaste, bordering on hatred, rise up in him.

“Helllooo, I’m Adam Fox, a former employee of Eden.” Mr. Smith, erm, Adam said.

“Johnathan Smith is an alias, then.” Rei said coldly. Johnath- ADAM tilted his head as if considering that.

“Johnathan is what my friends call me. My real name is Adam.” Adam replied with a smile.

“Adam... I’ve heard that name before. They’re clones.” Arthur spoke, crossing his arms, “I’ve seen them in the farms. They don’t live very long.”

“Phoenix informed me that you’re a clone that doesn’t have long to live.” Eishi spoke out loud.

“And he’s right.” Adam confirmed, “That spares that explanation.”

“Are you the one who shot Kamoda?” Eishi coldly asked.

“I ordered it.” Adam confirmed again without missing a beat. And Eishi felt his power creeping up, about ready to consume the danger in front of him.

“He shot Green?!” Arthur growled after Kamoda uneasily translated. Eishi could suddenly feel Arthur’s aura goading his forward so they could-

“Wait. No violence.” Naoyuki said hurriedly, putting an arm in front of Eishi. Eishi glared at him as he inwardly wrestled with his last few shreds of common sense, “In a way, he’s your ally. He knows Eden’s inner workings… Let’s talk first.” He said cautiously.

“I thought you said he was our enemy.” Eishi said such in a forced calm that nearly had the man pull away from him. The moment he snapped, so would the rest of the Bird Club, especially with Arthur practically boiling behind him.

“Please!” Naoyuki pleaded with him, definitely terrified now.

“Sorry,” Adam said, “I know a lot has happened, but I’m not as strong as you guys. It would be a problem if you beat me up until I could no longer move.” He met Eishi’s gaze, “I can receive… your ill wishes.”

“Die.” Eishi hissed.

“Soon…” Adam said.

There was a moment of tense silence, before Eishi stepped forward and sat at the table.

The meeting continued relatively smoothly after that. Everyone was encouraged to borrow some costumes; Rei immediately put on a crown and an egyptian looking necklace, Kamoda put on a panda hat, and Umino had a tribal-looking cat mask on. Arthur put on a ridiculous-looking santa hat that had a cone-shaped spring with a cotton ball at the end that jingled whenever he moved his head. Takayama didn’t seem interested; in fact he was looking at the window now of all times. Eishi did not have time to mess around or question Takayama’s ways, he was assessing Adam and coming up with questions.

Adam explained that Arthur was set up by a group called Eve III, who wanted to destroy the world using the birdmen. He also urged the bird club to not give up on humanity.

“She said her name was ‘Sky’.” Arthur said. He wasn’t looking at them, and he was somewhat curled into a ball again, “So she just wanted to use us… I wanted to free her, too…”

“Are you using your tweets again?” Naoyuki asked all of a sudden.

“It’s the only way we can communicate with Phoenix.” Eishi replied. He supposed he did pause a lot to not only think, but also listen to the others... Umino cautiously patted Arthur’s knee, who gave her a small, forced smile and curled into himself a bit more.

“Well, if he says anything you think we should hear, please tell us.” Adam said. Eishi nodded, and Adam continued on to detail a plan of cooperation for their next blackout and answer the questions that followed it.

The meeting was then concluded. Everyone filed out and took off quickly from the veranda of the house.

It was a few minutes before Arthur burst.

“Why in the world do we have to care about humans, anyway?” He suddenly declared, “If they left us alone that would be great! We-”

Umino suddenly dived bombed him with a flying kick.

“Ow?!” Arthur yelped, but quickly caught his balance in the air.

“Not everyone doesn’t care about humans!” Umino shouted, “We all have families and friends that are humans!” She flew away from him right next to Rei.

“What in the world did she just say?”

“She said that you don’t speak for us.” Eishi said, perhaps with more bite than he wanted.

“Learn your place, newbie!” Kamoda chimed in.

“Kamoda, that’s unnecessary.”

Both Arthur and Kamoda hung their heads and sulked. Rei covered his mouth and tried not to laugh.

“... Hey Eishi, he’s carrying a hat.” Rei remarked. Arthur flinched as if he were caught.

“...” Am I watching a little kid? Eishi wondered, and spoke, “Guys, go ahead to the sky tower. Arthur, come with me, we’re returning the hat.” The others acknowledged this and Eishi and Arthur split off to circle back in the other direction.

“You guys found it funny when I was wearing it!” Arthur protested, fluttering to Eishi side with crossed arms.

“Do I really have to educate you on why stealing is bad?” Eishi asked in exasperation, “I’ve seen videos of your flock raiding grocery stores and stalls for food. Has your thievery extended to material objects as well?”

“But...”

“Listen, if something belongs to someone else then you shouldn’t take it without permission. This is a basic rule in order to have a functional society.”

“They’re humans, Eishi.” Arthur’s tone suddenly changed for the worse, and Eishi wondered if he had chosen the wrong words, “You don’t understand yet because you still have families… but they’re not worth fighting for. They’ll recover from what we take just fine.”

Eishi wanted to argue back immediately, but stayed silent to choose his words carefully. Losing his cool here would not do either of them any good...

“In fact, why do we need to be around them? If we can get away, find a place to settle, make our own food, we can be free and none of them will touch us again.” Arthur continued. Eishi saw the house in the distance, but circled back to settle on top of the nearest skyscraper. Arthur followed, his talons skidding against the concrete rooftop for a few feet.

“Let’s make our own kingdom, and with enough Seraph we could make a sanctuary where no one can get hurt.” Arthur straightened up, gained confidence the more Eishi listened to him. The  ridiculous bouncy and jingling hat in Arthur’s hands did not ease Eishi’s silently growing unease as they folded their wings, “It might take some time, but we could figure it out. It can start here… we could make it together.” Arthur approached him, within arm’s reach, “All you have to do is throw away this silly game of playing human.”

The way he’s ushering me away from humanity… It’s reminds me of Takayama... but that guy’s better at hiding it. Ah. Eishi made an educated guess; this guy has been a seraph for a while, hasn’t he?

“When were you turned, Phoenix?” He asked. Arthur didn’t seem to be prepared for the question and blinked dumbly, “Four years ago?” Eishi guessed.

“Oh, no. Eden took me when I was real young. I was turned when I was five.”

This guy... was a Seraph even longer than Takayama was. Was this viewpoint what awaited all of the bird club?

“The majority of us were turned months ago.” Eishi said, crossing his arms.

Arthur recoiled, “What?! Almost all of you awakened, what…. What in the world happened?!”

“Eden happened.” Eishi said, looking out the glimmering city below, “But we’re still going about our daily lives from when we were human... If Eden left us alone, we’d continue to blend in with humanity until we were dead. I don’t think that’s a bad life… maybe if we were the only birdmen, it would be possible...” He trailed off, looking to Arthur, “But we’re not… the bird club has to move carefully. As Adam said, we have be careful not to act out too much.”

“But that’s... not freedom.”

“It’s good to have restrictions.” Eishi smiled humorlessly, “From my experience humans are terrible when they’re unrestrained.” He gave Arthur a pointed look.

“What are you looking at me like that for?! Is it because of the stealing again?!” Arthur huffed, “Besides, we’re not human! We’re so much better than that now!”

“Better, less, what we can be, what does it matter?” Eishi said bitterly, “Humans at the moment still think you’re a pest, a thief, a terror coming in to take something precious. We need to be held to their standards for us to peacefully coexist.”

“We don’t have to coexist!” Arthur’s voice was almost hysteric now, as sudden anger burned in his eyes, “As I said before, we can make our own kingdom! If we combine our powers, I’m sure we could call out to everyone and gather them-”

Arthur stopped abruptly. Eishi was still shocked at Arthur’s tone, bordering on a death tweet, a fear that Arthur would make him do something he didn’t want creeping almost venomously into him, would he have to-

“It is not time yet, Arthur.” Takayama landed between them suddenly- coming in without warning like he usually did.

“You told me that before…” Arthur said softly, and stood still as Takayama reached out and grabbed his hand. Takayama’s feathers were flared, and he had a sharp look in his red eyes.

“Hey, hey, hey!” Eishi spoke up, suddenly feeling nervous for a different reason, “What in the world are you two talking about?”

They were silent, no doubt communicating in that weird way. More secrets… Eishi thought uneasily, but as his anger slowly simmered down in the silence he tried to hope that Takayama and Arthur weren’t going to do anything harmful. Telling them to stop, to not keep anything from him regardless of what it was… would really restrict their freedom, and he didn’t want to tie the people around him down.

Takayama let go of Arthur, leapt off the skyscraper, and flew off. Arthur took a step forward as if to follow him but stopped, looking at Eishi.

“Maybe we can… agree to disagree?” He said, in an apologetic tone.

“That’s not enough, Phoenix... But it’s a start.” Eishi said. Arthur nodded and went to take off, “Where are you going?”

“I wanted to ask Takayama something-”

“Not before you return the hat and apologize.” Eishi said, taking Arthur’s arm and dragging him off the skyscraper with him. Arthur fell into formation behind him without protest for once. Eishi took out his phone from his wing mass-case and texted Naoyuki that they were coming back to return a hat.

“Oh, you can keep it if you want!” Marilyn later said with a grin and a wave of her hand as Eishi bowed in apology and held a confused Arthur’s head down too.

“Marilyn said you can keep it.” Eishi said.

“See? She didn’t need it anyway!”

“I want you to thank her.”

“She doesn’t understand english, does she?”

Eishi let go of Arthur, “Repeat after me.” He spoke the words for ‘thank you, Miss Marilyn’ slowly. Adam, who was still lingering in the room and writing, paused to watch with an interested gaze.

“Th...ank you, Miss Marilyn.” Arthur said in a heavy american accent.

“You’re welcome, Arthur!” Marilyn squealed with joy.

“Am I going to have to learn Japanese...?”

“Yes.” Eishi spoke out loud to Arthur.

“Uh, was that a greeting?”

“No, it was a confirmation.”

Arthur groaned as Eishi made his farewells to the rest of the advisors of the bird club and took off, expecting Arthur to follow.

“Why do I have to learn Japanese? Do I have to talk to humans? I thought you wanted me hidden…”

“Don’t you want to know what people are saying without having us translate?” Eishi asked.

“No, I don’t mind at all.”

“What if we’re not around?”

“Eh?” Arthur’s voice took on an almost scared tone, “But seraph stay together...”

“We’ll have leave you alone somewhere for a while while the rest of us go to school. If a human talks to you, you should know basic Japanese or else you’ll look incredibly suspicious.”

“Oh… I guess I have to learn, then.” Arthur grumbled. As silence sank between them, Eishi looked ahead to the sky terrace and came to a conclusion.

“Come on… let’s take a detour, Yellow.” He said carefully.

“Alright!” Arthur said curiously. He really did seem to like that nickname, “Wait, what about the others? Won’t they be wondering where we are?”

“They can wait.” Eishi said, closing his eyes to read the wind for a moment before flapping his wings to climb into the air. He couldn’t let Arthur see the others in this state… if Arthur kept bad-mouthing and demeaning humans the way he was doing… Umino especially would get really mad and Eishi didn’t want everyone to, in the worst case scenario, turn against or reject Arthur.

Eishi flew up until he could feel the clouds brush at his face, and formed his helmet as he broke through the first barrier and the air became more thin. Arthur flew up besides him, also wearing his helmet.

“Have you ever flown higher than this?” Eishi asked, gliding over the dips and hills of the cloud beneath him. He didn’t mind cloudy nights as much anymore… the clouds gave him more obstacles to cross, and up here the stars glimmered more than he could ever see on the ground.

“Oh, no, I never got the chance. If my group flew higher than this, some people would fall behind.” Arthur replied, diving in and out of a cloud like a spinning dolphin with wings.

“Wanna try it?”

“What if we fly into space?”

“We could try landing on the moon, then.”

“... That’s ridiculous!” Arthur laughed, and some of the tension between them loosened. Eishi took a deep breath in and darted upward. Arthur pulled ahead at a great speed- faster than Eishi had even seen Takayama go.

A few minutes of rapid ascension before-

“This is tough work.” Eishi said, panting even through his special mask. It was harder to breathe, and he felt thirsty and freezing cold. He couldn’t reach Arthur anymore, who was struggling and falling and rising like he was fighting the cosmos itself.

“Come on, Black! We can do this!” Arthur was suddenly reaching down to him, his furious flapping not generating as much as wind as it should.

“I’m gonna faint if we go on.” Eishi said, taking his hand anyway.

Arthur pulled them both up to Eishi’s horror and excitement, “Wow… I can really see our breaths up here! Is that ice on your wing?!”

“If we both faint and die from fall damage, I’m going to kill you.” Eishi said, practically hyperventilating at this point. Ugh, he was going to get a chest cramp from this…

“How can you kill me if we’re both dead?”

“I’m done.” Eishi’s wings drooped, his weight dragging them both down. Arthur wheezed with airless laughter before dropping him and folding his wings to freefall besides him.

“What a view!” Arthur cried out as the air whistled around them. Eishi took a breath of the icy-cold air rushing in and regained enough focus to look around, his heartbeat thrumming through him. He could see the curvature of the Earth from this height, and far beyond the city he lived in. The lights were beautiful, and for a moment he wondered if there were any distinction from the stars in the sky and the city’s lights below. It was absolutely beautiful, but...

“I am… not ever doing this again.” He said, rubbing his arms even as he fell. He was shivering, both from adrenaline and the cold. Luckily the air got a bit warmer as they skydived since it was close to summer… if it were winter Eishi was sure he’d get hypothermia.

“Agreed… I want to set something on fire and take a nap there.” Arthur said.

“You live up to your name, Phoenix.”

“I do?”

“Are you a pyromaniac, too?”

“What?! No way! I’m just cold right now!”

“Right now… Oh, I can’t believe I’ve made you a pyromaniac…”

“Blaaaack!!!”

Eishi snapped his wings back into form and swerved at the last second to dive through a gap in the clouds. Arthur dived right through them.

“AAAAAH, THAT’S COLD!” He yelled while Eishi grinned, “You did that on purpose, didn’t you!” Eishi shrugged nonchalantly. “I’ll get you back for this!”

“That’s what all the villains in television say before they’re taken to jail.”

“I doubt they said it telepathically! Well, maybe a few in a marvel comic books I didn’t read yet… Wait, I’m going to jail???”

“Hmmm…” Eishi hummed both inwardly and out loud as he set his sights on the sky tower, “Maybe cops and robbers would be a fun game for the bird club.”

“You guys play games?”

“We’re a club for a reason.”

“That sounds like fun! I want to join!”

“Of course you get to join, Yellow, you’re already an official member.”

“Ah… yes, of course!” Arthur beamed.

The silence that passed was much better than the previous one. Eishi was a bit guilty that he and Arthur basically ditched the others who were no doubt waiting for them, but it turned out well enough in the end.

“You know… I really wish my flock could have met you guys.” Arthur said, settling into a glide besides him.

“Even if we’re posing as humans?”

“No, cause’ I think we’d all be really good friends… Canary and Rei would get along so well, I think.. Fly and Kamoda are so similar… And Robin always did need help opening up to others, she’s such a shy girl, maybe Umino could have helped her...” Arthur spoke their names and others Eishi did not recognize. But as he went on and on, his voice seemed more and more choked with emotion.

“... What happened to them, Phoenix?” Eishi asked softly, tilting his wings to drift away from the sky tower again.

“I don’t mind it if the others see me cry, so can we head back to them?” Arthur said softly, “I don’t like being apart…”

“Okay.” Eishi replied, putting their course back on track. He worried about Arthur, and wondered if he’d really be okay being by himself even if it was just for a school day tomorrow… Something, just felt off about how quickly Arthur was opening up to him. Was it because they were both bellwethers? Was it because he couldn’t go back to his flock-?

“... My group... was shot down, I think.” Arthur whispered, barely loud enough to hear.

“... You think?”

“I… can’t remember clearly. Can I try showing you?” Arthur flinched, “Wait, no, I’m sorry, it’s-”

“Hey! Heyyy! What took you guys so long?” Kamoda suddenly called. In the distance the others were jumping off the sky tower and flying towards them.

“We took some detours.” Eishi replied.

“No fair, Eishi, taking the new guy for yourself!” Rei chided, “Umino wanted to kick him around some more!”

“Eh?!” Arthur cried. Umino darted ahead to meet them.

“Prepare yourself for ditching us on your first day, Yellow!” She shouted, coming at them way too fast, “You, too, Black!”

“Me too?!” Eishi shouted, and successfully dived under Umino’s swiping arms heading in his direction only to get his helmeted head kicked. He was sent spinning right into Kamoda, who caught him by his wings.

“Black successfully captured!” He said proudly. Eishi didn’t bother struggling-he knew Kamoda was far stronger than him and resistance would only feed his huge ego.

“That was sneaky, Blue.” Eishi said approvingly, looking up to see Arthur was faring.

“Haha, is this one of the games?” Arthur and Umino were doing figure 8’s at such high speeds that Eishi’s eyes were spinning, “You can’t catch me, Blue!” His wings thrummed powerfully as he spun up at a rate that left Umino let out a groan of frustration. His helmet melted back into his armor as he flashed them a cheeky grin.

Eishi sighed, “Umino, both Takayama and Kamoda couldn’t catch him until he gave himself up. Your efforts are probably meaningless-”

“Silence, prisoner!” Rei cried out, “We can all catch him if we work together, yeah?”

“Yeah!” Umino and Kamoda chorused, although Umino was doing all the work. Takayama seemed content to watch, perched on a skyscraper crane below.

Eishi was glad they were getting along, but felt as if he had unfinished business with Arthur. However, seeing him and the others so happy now… there was no way he wanted to ruin this by talking about the destruction of Arthur’s flock. It would have to wait until later…

I should prepare myself for that memory-sharing thing, too… Eishi thought, unconsciously holding his hands to his chest. He didn’t like it, it felt beyond way too personal, but if Arthur knew of a threat that could harm the bird club, or a way to get him back to what remained of his flock if there were any left, he’d put up with it...

“Hey, Black, you wanna make your punishment less severe by helping us catch him?” Kamoda asked.

“You’ll let me go?” Eishi asked.

“Yeah.” Kamoda let got of him, and Eishi suddenly dived and darted away out of sight, “Hey! Eishi! You said you’d help!”

“I never agreed to anything, just asked if you’d let me go.” Eishi replied matter-of-factly, swooping up before the city lights could reveal him too much and tucking in his wings to go through a gap between the pipes behind a billboard to slow Kamoda down before finding a blessed updraft of air that made him shoot up into the air.

“Reiii, Eishi’s getting awayyy!” Kamoda lamented.

“It’s your fault, you were supposed to watch him! You’re getting punished too!” Rei declared.

“You’re not doing anything, Rei! I’m gonna punish YOU!” Umino cried, tackling Rei who screamed. 

“Attacking the president! You’re getting punished too, usurper!” Rei shouted as he struggled fruitlessly. Eishi snickered from above, only to sense someone coming too late- he was grabbed! And considering those yellow markings on those arms-

“I caught Black! Does that mean my punishment is less severe?” Arthur called.

“Yes!” Kamoda cheered.

“Traitorous pickpocket, I should have known…” Eishi grumbled. Arthur laughed as he dragged Eishi down to the others.

“What even is the punishment?” Umino asked while she held a limp Rei in a headlock.

“... Catch Takayama.” Eishi said. It would both be challenging and maybe drag Takayama out of the weird funk he was in.

“Oooo! That’s a great idea!” Umino cheered, “Let’s get im’! … Hey, Rei, are you okay?”

“I’m dead.” Rei muttered.

“Cool!” Umino said, dropping him. Rei yelped but regained his balance quickly and elegantly as if he had never made a sound, coughing as if to clear his throat.

Takayama, the definition of elusive, didn’t move as everyone glanced to one another before diving down to him in unison…

He’s baiting us! Eishi thought, but besides a few shocked blinks Takayama didn’t do much as everyone grabbed onto him in a weird winged pile. There was a shocked silence.

“... Was I supposed to fly away?” Takayama asked, completely pinned down. Umino burst out laughing, which got everyone else going at how ridiculous this all was. Takayama gave a smile.

“Of course you were!”

“Get off me, Kamoda, you’re heavy!” Rei whined.

“Ok-owowowOW EISHI WATCH THE CLAWS-” Kamoda said.

“Whoops.” Eishi snickered.

“Why you little-”

“Can you please not fight when you’re lying on top of me!” Arthur cried.

“Think of how poor Takayama feels!” Umino said, her face red as she realized that she was stuck, too.

“I’m fine.” Takayama said as he turned towards her, making Umino scream and kick and soon everyone was struggling to get out of this pile. They dispersed in a few moments and hung onto various parts of the crane, panting and giggling like idiots.

“We should go back to the sky tower before anyone sees us.” Eishi said, and with everyone’s agreement the successfully bonded Bird Club fluttered back to base.

[tinknevertalks]

(You'll be fine!) 🐺, 🌜, 🦀, 🅱️

(And @youblowuponesun7 suggested I answer them all... So I will. XD (And so should you, person who is @youblowuponesun7)) (Urk, if that doesn’t show, @viennainspringtime went for cat, moon, crab, and the letter B in a square. XD)

Thanks for the asks, lovelies! XD (I bet half these pics won’t work.)

🌡- What television programs do you watch when you’re home sick? - I don’t get ill very often, but usually something easy to watch, that I’ve seen before... So Stargate SG1 or Red Dwarf.

🎂- What’s your opinion on over-the-top competition shows like Chopped or The Amazing Race? - Eh, if I fancy watching them, cool, but otherwise it’s at my periphary and I don’t take much notice. (Saying that, until it moved to C4 (and Sandi fricken Toksvig took over - she reminds me of my aunt too much for comfort) I loved The Great British Bake Off. And The Great British Sewing Bee...)

🍖- How much food does it take to make you feel completely stuffed? - More than is healthy? It depends on the food (obvs), but yeah... I can put food away. :-/

💐- Do you like aesthetic posts/blogs? What would you say your ‘Aesthetic’ is? - I like them ok. My aesthetic... I’m not quite sure what it is (if it was a board I’m pretty sure some of the pics would be a chubby girl in jeans, a notebook and pen, Helen Magnus in a leather jacket, food, a stock pic of a mum and daughter, CDs in a pile... Huh, ok, that’s my aesthetic, things that bring comfort and Helen Magnus. XD)

💃- Can you swing dance? - Nope. :(

💎- What would it a suitor have to do to win your hand in marriage? - Mark was just his weird self and I liked it enough to put a ring on it. XD

👻- Do you enjoy Halloween? What do you usually do during the holiday? - Yes. I used to dress up. Now I just love seeing all the kids on the block in their costumes.

📬- How excited do you get when you get a letter addressed to you (that isn’t a bill or junk mail)? - Super excited! XD Love getting post!

🎞- Do you or your parents have any baby pictures? - Of myself or of babies in general? There’s like one each of mam and dad in the house, a bunch of me (not so many of my sibs - we got progressively poorer and pictures weren’t taken as often because it cost a bomb to get them developed), and a bunch of Charlie (because technology now is awesome).

📲- How often do you get texts/calls from your mother? - Personal ones, not often at all. Work related? Almost daily. I work with her though so that’s why.XD

🗜- What’s the worst injury you’ve ever gotten? How bad was it? - I haven’t really had bad injuries? Had a car crash once, came away with bruising and a friction burn (and enough stress that I thought I missed a period, hadn’t, that October I had Charlie).

☁️- Describe a dream you’ve had that’s always stuck with you. - Dad as the Terminator. DX

🌜- What’s your favorite bedtime story/lullaby? - The Wizard of Oz as a story. Lullaby... Oddly, I loved singing Small Bump to Charlie when she was a baby because I used to sing along to it when I was pregnant and it would chill her out. :)

🍏- Is there something you refuse to eat no matter what? - Probs, but can’t think off the top of my head what it is.

☃️- What’s your opinion on snow days? Do you bundle up and play or it an opportunity to sleep in? - I LOVE snow, and I like playing in it for a little while, but after that I want a hot chocolate and to stay in whilst everyone plays. XD

🦀- When you travel, do you like to try local cuisine and flavors? Or will you stay within your comfort zone? - Not travelled enough. I’d like to think I’d try something different but I doubt I would.

💮- Have you ever been a ‘Good Samaritan’ to a total stranger or acquaintance? What happened? - Gave someone a parking pay and display ticket thing that had 50 minutes left on it because I wasn’t going to be using it. They were over the moon (but we’re a thrifty bunch around here, so that could be why XD).

👗- What outfit will you wear out on a date? - Depends on where we’re going. Last date I wore a dress, the one before I was in jeans... Mark doesn’t care overly much so long as we hold hands and have a good time. :)

🅱️- Favorite meme? - “Is this a [whatever]?” Dunno why, I like it.

🐺- If a witch cursed you, what creature do you think they’d turn you into? - A frog, because I used to be cool with them but not seen one in years so I don’t know how I’d react. Or a spider, because they are evil. XD

In other news, the midwife appointment went fine. Blood pressure was peachy (120/70, pick the lumps outta that!). Couple of things to keep an eye on (weight, gestational diabetes, possibility of PND, weight... I said weight already... Still...) but otherwise she was happy. My dating scan is on the 22nd August (so early birthday present for me! XD). Happy times! (I might start a preggo-blr so anyone who wants to avoid pregnancy posts can avoid without having to blacklist words because I’m not sure how I’m gonna tag shit.)

It was time to go home.

[irregulardiaryposts]

16:35 01/03/2021

so. its now march!!!!! march is an okay month. but it also means its been a year since corona really kicked off and thats proper weird to think about. it feels like absolutely fuck all has actually changed but yet im a very different person yk. i played minecraft for 10 hrs last week. im addicted to it. this time last year i was kinda sick and we thought i had corona but since testing wasnt really available i just had to stay home ages. it was horrible but to think that was a whole YEAR ago is absolutely fucking wild. 

anyway back to minecraft. i absolutely love it. its such a simple game and you can truly play however you want to. like. if u dont want to bother beating the enderdragon or doing any serious grind stuff, you can literally just fuck about doing whatever you wanna do... u wanna build a little cottage in the woods? yes. u wanna pick lowers and decorate and build cute farms? yes. u wanna explore a vast and expansive world filled with literally endless possibilities and find pets and loot and different biomes and blocks? yes. you wanna mess around with ur friends? yes. u wanna do pvp or multiplayer games? yes. u wanna meet new people? yes. u wanna play by yourself and become exceedingly rich? yes. u wanna do all this and comforted by the melodic tunes and beautiful landscapes? yesssssssss. it literally has something for everyone but people get so pissy about how others play its soooo annoying. like so what if someone wants to go into creative and cheat or they wanna play on peaceful or they have keep inventory on? they are playing the game in the way they enjoy the most, the way that makes them happiest, makes them comforted, allows then to enjoy playing it. coz i bet if everyone was made to play the exact same way and there was no way to customise your experience, it would not be nearly as popular as it is. it probs wouldve died out if people werent enjoying it because they got frustrated by it, or too scared to lose their things to progress in the game, or too anxious to play because its scary and they dont know how to beat things. or if people play solely in creative and they enjoy that the most and wanna try survival, they dont deserve to get made fun of coz they want to ease their way into harder things. or if someone just wants to build or just explore or just tame a million dogs, as long as they are happy they are already enjoying the game to the max, they dont deserve people being like “ if u play without X youll enjoy it more coz thats the way we play it” like fuck off it would be like if a hardcore players was like “play in hardcore or ur stupid” ppl would get mad because thats not the way they want to play it and they wouldnt enjoy it as much or at all as the hardcore player does. and dont even get me started on this whole bedrock vs java bs. this its such a waste of time like??? who benefit from this argument? because its silly java players think they are automatically better than every bedrock player because they have java. 

like obviouslyyyyyy java is better and im sure a lot of bedrock players would rather java, but u cant lie and say that a lot of og players didnt start on bedrock and then upgrade to java, because as kids u cant really afford a proper pc but everyone has an xbox or an ipad lol. like they literally forget that they probably started playing on bedrock too. and its so stupid because yes while bedrock is a little shit in comparison to java, ITS STILL THE SAME FUCKING GAME just be glad were not fucking fortnite players jesus its pathetic. yes this is essentially a minecraft post and what fucking about it. i told u im obsessed with it. 

i should talk about something else. perhaps my crippling procrastination? its absolutely abysmal how shit at school i am now. i get two unconditional offers and suddenly i think i dont need to do a single bit of work (its kinda true tho) i only have three classes and in doing 1 and 1/2 of them. im not even bothering studying for prelims/exams whatever the fuck because im hopeless. theres no point because even if i do end up doing the exam and i fail theres absolutely no consequences because i have 0 shame. ill walk out of an exam i failed with my head held high because i know uni will be so much better - ill only have one subject, one i actually enjoy and want to do work for (only somewhat tho, my procrastination problems still carry through, im actually doing this instead of a 15 min thing for class but whatever) ill have a reduced working day, i can focus on just one subject, ill have other things to work on too like a part time (scary) and car (exciting) and ill get to meet new people that also want to learn spanish and are interested in it too, and i want to make more friends and i want to be more independent (moving out??? hopefully but also scary) 

i cant believe im actually at a point in my life where im actually interested in the future and want to live to see it (lol yeah) like i wonder what 13 yo me would think. even 15 yo me. i wonder how 20 yo me will look back on this. hi me if ur reading. do u have a s/o?? or new friends? how many new experiences have u had? are u comfortable in ur life? struggling ? happy? i hope ur happy coz u deserve to be. i deserve to be. i hope u have a good time reading these. i dont know if ill ever forget about this blog or not. what was i talking about tho. procrastination. its horrible, I hope u get that fixed pls tell me u do. also please tell me u get better at typing.  this has accidently turned into a speaking to ur future self thing. ill stop now. 

im a very good procrastinator. and my ability to actually focus on stuff has been getting comical. idk if its the pandemics fault or mine or schools but is a bloody issue and it needs to get better. i guess its coz i just have absolutely 0 energy do do what i need to or it just absolutely does not interest me to do it and i know theres absolutely no consequences to it looool. 

every now and then theres a day where i feel very unproductive and lazy and it feels like how it used to. a sort of growing annoyance at myself and feeling like a slug. idk some days i feel teleported back to like almost 4 years ago and idk what to do about it. i used to have a coping mechanism (?) where if i felt bad about stuff id just shower, wash my hair and put on new pjs and do something i wanted to do. it kinda put me in a clearer headspace and allowed be to get out of a slump for like 20 mins. u could call it self care or whatever but it genuinely was like washing the bad thoughts away and starting anew (is that the word) like i was able to think more rationally and get back into the semi real world but i was also doing it because i never used to have a proper shower routine, i used to go days without showering or getting out of bed for much and it kinda feels good to have this little reboot thing where i just shower to get me away from straying back there. 

idk. am i articulating well enough. ive written a lot i think. is there any more updates? nothing really apart from my growing disinterest in all things school lmao. anyway until next time i suppose (will probs be either never or like june lol)

[herotheshiro]

Hello I’m back again briefly to do a review of idol-kun wa abakaretai aka “the idol wishes to be exposed”! Mainly Bc I didn’t agree w the story progression/details and I didn’t agree enough to warrant me coming on here again to write a review lmao

So I’ve seen some posts of this manga on IG before and I like the art (and also how the artist does sex scenes hehe. I didn’t ID them immediately as the artist who did the turned on by food BL which also has cute art but a questionable story) so I was like “nice” when I saw a translation of the entire story had been uploaded. And the general premise was interesting: a paparazzi who wants to get a big celebrity scoop so he can be moved on to other less-sus work and an idol who happens to have a connection w him and thus a target for his scoop. But ... as I kind of implied earlier (I didn’t mean to but when I wrote it out...) the art is good but the stories not so from this artist.

story started out fine. The first like two chapters implied potential for the story and honestly throughout the story there were some good like “plot twists” thrown in (like the first revelation that idol knew that main was a paparazzi all along despite supposedly being oblivious to it in the beginning despite all the sketchy stuff main was doing lol)

But then ... I mean the story developed alright, p typical for a BL story aka not great writing aka good transitions bw some stuff but then when the artist started trying to defend the paparazzi industry I was like ok NO. Trying to defend the work they do by being like “oh ppl enjoy gossip though!! It makes them happy!!” Is absolute bullshit. There’s nothing good abt paparazzi work other than the sometimes revelations of cheating and “scandals” like tht but still no. Even worse is at the end the guy is like no ill reject the offer to go on to a sports magazine Bc I want to get there w my own work and not Bc of networking which like ok but then he’s like “so I’ll make sure to bring in a bigger story next time” and I’m like alright so it’s respectable you want to ruin someone’s life then? I mean on one hand there are some celebrities tht are binches and sure deserve to get slighted but then I’m just thinking abt the less well-known celebrities that just make innocent mistakes or whatever. also in light of the main at one point feeling guilty abt exposing idol and being like ‘i’d be trash like my paparazzi coworkers if i do this ...’ tl;dr: I just didn’t like that the author tried to defend the paparazzi industry.

Also around the same time as that scene of main realizing ppl like his tabloid work, the idol realizes that maybe being an idol is actually good Bc he brings joy to others and then has a new desire to actually continue being an idol which like ok I believe that Bc I have heard of things like ppl prev being depressed but then learning how to heal after getting into idols/fandoms but also I thought he had been an idol for a while? Wouldn’t you know the positive effect you can have earlier?? Did their manager really only have them do lives and no volunteer work before ?? I mean I know nothing abt PR so maybe I know fuck all. even though idol life is indeed crap and not all stardom and happy stuff if personal accounts by idols are anything to go off of but i think there prob do exist some good idol managers/companies out there so i’ll let the defense of the idol industry go

Also the story had like a bunch of details/plot threads that like weren’t fully developed? Like the detail that the manager, the senpai idol member, and the promiscuous celebrity used to be part of the same idol group ?? I mean now tht I think abt it it was kind of wrapped up at the end w the implication that the manager was so protective of scoop was Bc his old idol group got broken up Bc of gossip ... but then I feel like the senpai idol member should’ve had a bigger part then? Also him being mean to idol main ?? Was never really talked abt again after that one scene where he cornered idol main and was like “smile bitch it’s your job”?? Like we really gonna ignore tht ??

Also lol at them implying a pairing bw idol senpai and manager. I was shipping promiscuous celebrity and manager but I guess the former is too into women I guess (sarcasm)

Also I liked the backstory bw main and idol aka them being high school classmates, but also at the same time i feel like idol’s back story wasn’t really fully fleshed out despite them dedicating like half a chapter to it. i guess it’s just a general case of ‘my fam teased me to the point that i felt that they didn’t give a shit abt me’ but no redemption for the fam. did like the unreliable narrator thing where the main was like ‘yeah i want to be a sports photographer’ but then why exactly he wants to do that/why he went in that career trajectory doesn’t get revealed until idol’s backstory ...

all in all i felt like the story was too idealistic w too positive of an outlook re: the paparazzi and celebrity industry (i’m not talking abt the public’s easy acceptance of idol and main being a couple, that was fine and also we don’t need more angsty stories of homophobic haters). also i’m not really sure that the author knows how those industries work together/in general. the story progression was alright, not great but not like absolutely terrible. the characterizations of the two mains weren’t entirely fleshed out. subplot threads that were there but not tied up too well at the end. cute art and sex scenes (cute as in they were drawn well/i like how they draw o-faces. if you like sex toys then you’d like the sex scenes fr too ig lol) though!

[poipoi1912]

Carisi-centric thoughts on Ep 18x18

The last fifteen minutes really ruined what was, until then, a perfectly serviceable episode. It really flew by, up until that point, and I kinda liked it. It was dumb but fun :D

I even liked the hypnotism angle, but I must say, I think the problem persists; yet again, the episode had an interesting premise, but it failed to take advantage of it. Why not go into the practicalities of hypnosis? Where was Huang to get on that stand and explain it in detail? Speaking of, wouldn’t Barba talk to an “expert” during the trial? Why not make a show if it and demonstrate hypnosis? Wouldn’t that be fun to watch?

Warning

OK, guys, I’m going to be honest. I’m of two minds, when it comes to this episode. Sonny-wise, the episode was fantastic (and let’s be honest, that’s always my main concern lol), the premise was fun, we got Barba working with the entire team, not just Liv, and the case itself (the investigation of it, at least) was twisty enough to remain enjoyable.

BUT.

From a legal standpoint, this episode was laughably bad. It honestly left me baffled. Who wrote this? The last fifteen minutes were ridiculous. No way would Barba ever get a conviction based on what we saw. I’ll expand on that in a minute (in EXTENSIVE detail), but first let’s start with the good.

Sonny and Continuity

A lot of great stuff in this episode! Sonny pulled a classic Sonny, and looked into the case thoroughly, going above and beyond and finding information about out a crime which was committed out of state. He even dug up a civil suit. That’s absolutely consistent with the Sonny we know. It’s what he’s always done. He never gives up, he finds smart ways to work around the obstacles and solve the case.

I also appreciated that Sonny showed real empathy when he heard the first victim had died. Peter played that little moment so well. Both the surprise and the sadness. What I loved most about it, was that it didn’t feel like he was thinking “oh shoot, there goes our witness.” It felt like the old Sonny, the one who used to cross himself when he found a dead body. The Sonny who’d take the time to grieve, just for a moment, when confronted with the death of a stranger as opposed to last week’s Sonny, who dismissed actual death threats like he didn’t give a shit lol.

And I do always love it when Sonny cracks a case with his research. Even though he didn’t actually crack it, because what the fuck? But, again, more on that later.

Sonny’s Love Life

Wait, Sonny has a legit girlfriend that’s been mentioned more than once? Can we meet her, please? I’ve always wanted to see him happy and in love :D and making out with someone lol. I just wish we knew more about her. A name, even. Wouldn’t Amanda know her name? She and Carisi are obviously buddies. So far, the info we got on her is a) her bra size (classy, SVU writers) and b) that she’s into that raw food trend. I like that, actually. It fits Sonny. He seems like he’d totally be up for trying new experiences food-wise and otherwise, and this could be their thing, going around random restaurants and trying to convince each other to eat weird dishes, lol.

I love it when our characters are shown to have lives outside the “show”, but can we actually see it? Can we see Sonny all flirty and cute? If they don’t want to cast anyone new (because they seem averse to creating new characters), can’t we at least see, like, Sonny smiling as he talks on the phone, or as he reads a text, with Fin teasing him about it? Or something? Please? :D

Barba Thoughts

I was surprised Barba was the one to suggest hypnotism. Way to think outside the box! I’m not sure he was the best person to do that (he seems like a total skeptic who’d shoot that theory down immediately), but I bought the excuse of him having come across it before. Plus, I loved that he was the one who got to solve the case, for a change. And I also liked how the entire team, Barba included, spent several scenes brainstorming together. I had missed that. Barba in the precinct, with the entire squad.

Aaaaand that’s where the fun ends, and the pedantic/annoyed part of my post begins, lol.

Why on Earth would Barba take legal advice from Liv? Why would he ever play that tape for the jury? If that’s not reasonable doubt, I don’t know what is. Why would he follow Liv’s actual instructions? She’s not a lawyer! She directly affected the case, in a way that could have been detrimental, even though Barba seemed like he knew better (since he tried to talk her out of it, before folding as always), and the way the episode chose to resolve that was by having Liv and Barba drinkin’ it up at a bar.

Liv’s mistake was never identified as such, and it took Sonny “deus ex machina” Carisi and his random discovery to save the day.

Even though it shouldn’t have. Which brings me to:

The Law

Me for the first like 45 minutes: OK BUT WHERE IS RITA???

Me when Rita appeared: YASSSSSS QUEEN

Me at the end of the episode: NOOOOO QUEEN 

Where do I begin?

Why was Barba acting like hypnosis was sure to be accepted as 100% real and effective by a court of law, let alone a jury in its entirety? Why did he seem to “suddenly” realize he had no case (which, d’oh) at the halfway mark, only for Liv to wrongly convince him otherwise? And, even if Barba did manage to stumble upon a group of jurors who all believe in hypnosis, why didn’t he bother actually proving anything?

To get a conviction, Barba would have to prove that:

hypnosis is real,

hypnosis can be powerful enough to make a woman consent to sex against her will,

Trask has the skill to hypnotize people,

Trask actually hypnotized this specific victim, and

Trask raped this specific victim.

None of that was ever proven. None. Like I said, no expert was shown explaining just what hypnotism entails. No proof was given that Trask even knew how to do that (so what if his mentor taught him, does that mean he now knows how to do it perfectly?). There was an actual tape with the victim’s ‘consent’ that was played but not actually debunked.

And oh Lord. That old case Sonny dug up. WHERE. DO. I. BEGIN.

What defense attorney, hell, what judge would allow a totally random arrest from over 20 years ago to be brought up into a totally unrelated criminal trial? Not to mention, no one even bothered to point out that the defendant was a drug addict at the time (22. YEARS. AGO), and he had since “changed.”

To be fair, the writers tried to make it work, with Barba asking Trask if he had ever been arrested, to “open the door” to bringing up the previous arrest (and also to get Trask to lie on the stand). Problem is, Trask only lied about the arrest itself, not about the specifics of it. With that in mind, Barba would only be able to mention the arrest itself, to contradict Trask’s testimony and present him as a liar. But he’d never be able to introduce the actual details of the arrest, the actual facts of that old case.

Barba would need to ask something specific to open that door. Something like, “Have you ever been accused of anything like this before? A man in your position, wealthy and surrounding himself with drugs and beautiful women,” blah blah. If Trask had lied about that, then Barba would have been able to bring up a similar case from the past (even the case of the dead woman mentioned previously). 

Unfortunately, there was nothing similar about the case Sonny found. No relevance, no probative value. A drug addict, ill and scared, letting someone die? Over 20 years ago? An expunged arrest, no conviction? That was prejudicial as fuck. Rita would have it thrown out in 3 seconds. Many times, prosecutors can’t even mention actual (and relevant) convictions, because it would be prejudicial, unless the specific convictions have a significant probative value relating to the case on hand.

Same goes for that half-assed “confession” to Trask’s mentor-slash-friend. Trask never mentioned this specific victim. That was circumstantial as fuck. I'm embarrassed on Rita's behalf for losing this mess of a case. The old Rita would never.

Legally speaking, this was a total circus. Barba proved nothing. No way would the jury find Trask guilty. No way would Rita Fucking Calhoun let any of that fly. This is Dana Lewis levels of character assassination, in my book. 

Stray Thoughts

Is Liv working reception now? Didn’t she used to have an office? Where her subordinates could reach her, if a victim wanted to speak to “someone in charge”? You’re a Lieutenant, sis! Let someone else man the doors!

Declan? 👀

Amanda didn’t judge a victim, for once, and the case involved drugs! Progress!

Fin listening to that lady for like 5 minutes? YES. His face was the highlight of the episode. Fin himself was the highlight of the episode, actually. So many great lines, and Ice-T was clearly having fun.

Speaking of, we got Fin joking! And Carisi joking! And Amanda laughing! Who are these people? I don’t recognize them :D

Seriously though, I really appreciated the attempt for a more ‘lighthearted’ episode, but the writers should have stopped themselves riiiiiight before giving Rollins the line, ‘look deep into my eyes, you’re under arrest.’ Because no.

[violenceeisgolden]

Tmi/tw/an update

Had such strong cravings for alcohol/such strong urges to say "fuck my health, I'm already fucked, lets fucking lose all this weight you gained in recovery, buy some adderall and vodka and allllll the opiates in the world and at least enjoy however many shitty yrs you have left" except like ???? Okay, so my private insta kept !! Getting !! Fucking deleted !! Idk why, like yeahh i bitch about my drug problems and my mental illness but i have never shared a triggering picture? Meanwhile all these accts with people fkn shooting up are still up? Huh what a concept So anyway, i was thinking of making a side blog. Or i could just vent on here i guess but posting on my side blogs sounds safer. Damn. Been out of the Tumblr world for a while now. Anyway, since it's quite clear that I don't care about a fkn thing anymore... lemme give you all a lil update on the joke that is my life. This one's gonna be EPIC. So. Uh. First things first... I made it five days without any form of any opiate in my system. I did not eat anything in those 5 days. (Wanna lose weight?! Just get addicted to painkillers and develop crohns, then quit your painkillers cold turkey!!! You'll drop 10 lbs in a week!) I did not keep many fluids down, aside from the days when i was in the hospital. I was shitting and puking blood by the fourth day, because my body had nothing left in it to get out. I still smell like the stench of withdrawal - aka, overpowering body odor, desperation, sadness, guilt... etc. On the fourth day, my "stool" was nothing but black and blood.. I knew my potassium was low, not including sodium, etc. Was starting to get chest pains. Blah blah blah. IST was acting up. Whatever. I knew I had no choice but to go to my shitty hometown clinic (and... yeah i hate NOTHING more than that fucking place). Luckily, I got this cool 1st shift dr who appreciated my extensive knowledge of my esophageal and colonic conditions. She also gave me morphine. But I mean, 4mg through an IV is like... nothing. But.. that fucking rush. Whenever I get IV narcotics in hospitals, it's a nice reminder for me to forever stay tf away from needles. Anywhoooo Moving along. So i got some fluids/potassium, two of my veins are dead now (not even bc of drug use, as i stated above.. legitimately because I've had one too many IVs placed or wtf ever) so they had to stick me a million and one times and i was like :))))) yeahhhh keep causing more pain guys because ya know. I can just fucking take it obviously!!! And then.. this bitch drops the bomb that i realllyyyyy have been hoping was NOT true for like... ya know... a fucking year... that... okay fuck it, you guys all know i am a shit person anyway, lets add onto it.. anyway yeah. I have herpes. And my HPV is progressing. Still dunno about those cancerous cells bc no one tells ME ANYTHING but she said i have a severe pelvic infection that is travelling towards my liver. So they're like "lets do a REALLY intense course of antibiotics" and im like ??? Fucking a man im getting mad just writing this all out. Anyway i was like uhm. How tf am i supposed to keep down antibiotics when i CAN'T EVEN KEEP DOWN WATER THAT IS WHY I'M FUCKING HERE JFCCCC. And they were like "yeah we're aware but you legit do not have a choice" bc yeah, don't want my liver to go downhill (I've been such a lil fuck to my drs lately.... could not care less tho bc they deserve my bluntness) so i called my new case worker (she is super chill, super gay, lets me swear and call my drs fuckers as much as i want, which is dope) and basically explained, she said she's gonna try and get me back on subs legally so i can at least nourish myself and keep my health up (ill still be in pain but I'm learning that id rather have my body not slowly dying and be in pain... what a cool sacrifice. I also was like... "Hey yeah no hospital is gonna admit me rn... and my health is worse now than it was in '14 when i weighed 60 lbs less so like... I'm going to use street subs. Or opiates in general. For a few days. So i can get my electrolytes back somehow... also did i mention i have herpes? *bawling ensues* anywhooo... Just thought I'd let you know." And she was like "Fair enough. You need to eat." And i was like okay cool tell my dr and his bitchy nurse that usually replies to my messages bc i do not need anymore fucking stigma rn .. okay? Tyvm" so that was.. that i guess. So yeah. I used. On day 5. And... i didn't even truly fucking want to. That's the worst fucking part of this whole fucked up bullshit... I WANT TO PROVE EVERYONE WRONG AND SHOW THEM THAT I CAN DO THIS. And i could have. If it wasn't for my poor health... i fucking could have. And I'm gonna tell that to my pdoc when I see him. But you know what? I fucking ate. I kept down a loooottttt of liquids. Opiate wds technically cannot kill you. And the thing is... I've been through the "near fatal" ones (booze and benzos)... but I always caught my alcohol dts super fast, got treated and then away i went. But no. Opiate withdrawals will not be dangerous~~~..... to a person who is in decent health. I say decent bc lbs if you're using them either legally or illegally, something is already prob wrong lol. I remember a story that my ex sponsor who is now a good but distant friend (who relapsed, and when she relapsed, we became close lol shes sober now tho dw) told me once about opiate dts... she said one of her friends was so dehydrated, malnourished, etc... that he almost did die. And it took him almost dying for anyone to take him seriously. And, as I was laying in that miserable hospital bed... I remembered that. Opiate wds cannot kill you, but you're gonna wanna a) kill yourself, because it's honestly fucking easier that way (or so your mind will tell you) and b) if you're in poor health... try and find a detox center/hospital that will take you. ASAP. On tuesday... fuck i lost my train of thought... (in other news, i now have a promethazine script and... boy oh boy lol probably the best non naroticc/not scjeduled drug I've ever gotten my grubby lil hands on)... yeah idk that's all I publicly got rn. If you actually read all this... 👀 @ you, Ashley, bc ik you're the only one who reads my shit on here anymore (love you for that, btw 💜)... but yeah if you read this all, you guys are the real MVPs... I'm gonna start using one of my private blogs on here. Mainly because..welll...its fucking private and also really enjoy the fact that i saved the URL "clonqz3pain" so... yeah that's all I got. Hope you all are doing better than me.

[ufocafe]

do all the voltron asks!!

holy moly thanks pal i’ll answer them under the cut bc i anticipate it’ll be Longe since idk how to shut the fuck up

keith: how edgy/emo do u consider yourself to be?

tbh i don’t think i’m that bad like trust me i used to be way worse but overall on the inside i am Soft on the outside i still look hella edgy bc all my clothes are black and it’s just ,, how i look

shiro: are you a good leader and can you handle responsibility?

no and no i am So Bad at being in charge cause i don’t like telling people what to do and i’m a stressed out pushover who avoids anything like group projects at all costs

lance: what’s your type of humor and what’s your favorite meme?

whatever the hell this blog consists of is my humor it’s legit just a shitpost collection. nd my fav meme would probs be the whole cryptid meme trend ? idk if it counts as a meme itself but i lob posts that are like ‘i saw mothman in a overly air conditioned chili’s at 5:47 pm and he bought me a soda’

pidge: are you good w/ technology?

i’d say i’m average for someone my age like i’m a teenager in 2017 so i can operate simple stuff like computers and phones, find how to fix small problems but i’m not a #hacker though i did go to wikihow once to try and learn then gave up after a solid 30 seconds bc it was too hard

hunk: how kind and loyal do you consider yourself?

i’d say i’m pretty kind like i can be rude to a handful of ppl but only cause they’re bad ppl so it evens out. idk bout loyal cause ig it means to stick by your friendos and support them which ofc i do but i can’t say that i like stay by someone’s side thru everything bc sometimes things become Too Much or stuff goes down and u just gotta blast

allura: do you feel underestimated sometimes? and should you totally be the black paladin?

i feel like it’s more overestimated? lots of ppl expect great things from me that i don’t think i can achieve so it’s p stressful. also black paladin allura 4 life

coran: what’s your fav show other than voltron?

i have so many so i’m just gonna name a few; over the garden wall, star vs, gravity falls, stranger things, steven universe, etc.

zarkon: would you consider universe domination for your lost cat/pet

i,, don’t think so ? i mean idk what this question is rly implying like did someone steal my pet and now i gotta take over the world ? or did it die and the only way to like avenge it or whatever is world domination bc probably no to both which sounds heartless since i lob my dog but like everythings gotta die someday and i’m not gonna take over the world to reverse/stop smthn thats inevitable

kaltenecker: do you look good in sunglasses?

not sure i never wear then since i have glasses and rarely go to a beach-like setting but i probably do

slav: are you a perfectionist? do you believe in alternate universes?

i’d say i’m in the middle of perfectionist and absolute walking tornado like i’m so fucking messy and i’ll let stuff pile up until i’m basically living in a dump and i’ll hate it sm but i’m so lazy cause Depression then one day i’ll just do a massive clean up and make everything PERFECT. also yes i like to think theres alternate universes/realities it’s a cool concept to think abt cause it doesn’t exactly affect me it’s not an existential thing like pondering if god exists its more like “i wonder if i’m a duck in another reality”

thace: would you go against the authority if it was the right thing to do?

ofc fuck the authority

haggar: who is your fav character in voltron?

i’d have to say lance i lob my sweet son

matt: what are some things you like abt watching voltron?

i have to admit i’m more into filler episodes rather than fight scenes every few minutes so probably just like all the humor and team bonding it warms my emotionless heart

commander holt: do you like peas?

ya

voltron: are you a team player? do you prefer to work alone?

i rather work alone bc then i get to use all my ideas instead of make a compromise with someone else cause i can never find the voice to speak up for what i want so i just end up watching ppl do stuff i don’t like when there’s stuff i think would be better

blue lion: how trusting and loyal do you think you are?

i already mentioned the loyal thing but for trusting i think i trust too easily? ill just spill beans to ppl i’ve barely known for a long time i wish i was more mysterious but whatevs

red lion: how impulsive and/or decisive are you?

i have 0 impulse control for example i have problems with picking at my skin and i’ll just see a piece kinda tore away and before i know it my fingers are all bloody and i’m like owo what’s this. but when i actually put thought into a decision i am very indecisive because i always wanna make youre i’m making the right choice w/ smthn like choosing classes or buying a certain thing

green lion: how curious are you and what subjects are you interested in?

while being impulsive i’m also quite curious so if i wanna go sneak and see smthn there’s not hesitation. i like english/writing and psychology stuff.

yellow lion: do you consider yourself strong and reliable?

i don’t think i’m either i mean i’ll always be there for ppl if they need me but i don’t really think i’m the best person to lift ppl up even if i wanna

black lion: what are some things you want in season 3?

def more lance and hunk character development, some gay shit (cough klance cough) more team bonding in general, and allura piloting black lion ofc

rover: what’s one fact abt a pet you have/had?

once i had a dog and i can’t recall his breed but he looked just like toto from the wizard of oz and we had him for a few months but he pissed everywhere and on everything so we ended up selling him to some ppl. fast forward to a few months later maybe a year the couple had auditioned him to play toto in the school’s wizard of oz play and he got the part so that was cool

shay: do you love hunk? how do you feel abt the enviroment?

i lob hunk with all my heart he is a sweet bean + i care abt the enviorment a lot i think that with trump as president it’s really gonna go to shit more than it already is bc obv it’s been a dilemma for years now but with the goverment denying climate change and all that i rly fear for our planet

lotor: how concerned are you abt your looks?

i think i’m generally good looking but that’s not to say i’m not concerned with my looks bc i kinda am like ill see myself as cute or smthn but then as soon as acne starts popping up or my hair is bad i kinda just spend the next few days doing whatever i can to fix it so i stay nice hnngh it’s a work in progress

alfor: when faced with conflict, would you rather fight or flee?

i suppose it depends on the type of conflict but i’m most likely to fight until it gets too stressful and then leave

ulaz: would you sacrifice yourself for a cause?

we were asked a similar question in history regarding the dude who discovered gravity or smthn like that idk and it went against the churches beliefs so there was a trial and it was either death or admit he was wrong which is a pretty big thing i guess and we can all say we’d die for what we believed but if it actually came down to it the answer is kinda blurry. i had said i’d say i was wrong then continue to spread my info. underground or just flee but unlucky 4 him he was on house arrest for the rest of his life so choose wisely kiddos

i think i’m gonna sleeb now so bye

[savemefrommyselfxv]

Once a day doses, instead of hours on end of endless convs. // kasi update sama lu sikit hahahah kk.

Came back so late!!! Hahah may As-Salam be with you, mirroredz buddy companion kindergartener, and may God's comfort hug you more snug than a grey hoodie varsity jacket would aha and hm may light penetrate into the heart, then glow and shine. ^ even typing this reminded me of two things. 1) when the grave will squeeze, it may come in to shatter our bones and squeeze entirely with no mercy in the scary way, or it could likely squeeze like a welcome back to your truest abode - home kinda hug. That's what I once learnt at the kursus jenazah camp a few months backkk. Made from clay like soil tanah liat, and exactly to that we will return to. Humbling, "come full circle" (coincodentally, came across the verses on habil and qabil - the two sons of Adam ytd!!! And how he learnt to kebumikan the brother from the bird's example. So yeah kinda related to grave) 2) zulumaati ilanoor. // I come across thissss during mathurat but also(!!) terawih made mention this phrase quite a bit so hm yeah hahah repeating themes hm hm // bring forth from darkness into light. - Anyway, aha I still make mention your name across the varied do'as I do. :") - Ok but yeah aha anyway, reason I came back at like 1+ todayyyyy was cuz we were preparing for ryc and all and there's this one part called muhasabah diri that they were practicing for (skit like) and theres this part that had like zikir aspect while the lights were off and the sad instrumental and the main cast was to make do'a :"""( rlly. Heart. Felt. :"(. It seems like I have the most "crying waterworks" camp sesh at islah man :"""). Aha rmmbr my story about the qiyam with the rabak cry sesh only to be ajak out to lepak post midnight ahahah yeah that was at islah jugak. But yeah aha awman I wished u were somehow part of ryc so u could see and have and be part of this moment that will rlly like menusuk ke kalbu muhasabah diri sesh. But aiy. Recent reminders jugak: you are exactly where Allah chooses for you to be. And "qad kafaani ilmu rabbi, min suaali wakthiari" OK BUT YES AHAH. If week one of ramadhan was, some days, already kinda tiring, like I woke up soree and rlly tired this morning actlly and yeah all that and last night after ghufran terawih I was also actlly thinking "what if lepas terawih just gym cuz conveniently near" but yozkiz hahahah I realise then that wow that wouldn't be a good choice cuz body recovery from workout and mad tired probs but yeah it seems a recent theme is also strength. The words you wrote about strength about knowing God amidst our weakness etc, that one def spoke to me macam wake up call. Sebab like hm usually every mess up or weakness or fall, I'd be so zoned in on me and my weakness etc. But instead, with what u wrote, if anything, even our downfalls points back to God, knowing learning God. I once wrote about learning from opposites and yeah. Didn't see it this way, how our mess ups only highlights even more attributes of God. :"") But yeah ok if week 1 was tiring, hahahah I've yet to hustle through week 2 and 3 of ramadhan which is basically high busy weeeks, mirrorredz :"") I've got like ryc then myf bake sale then alterisk night camp with Muhammadiyah kids which includes the night cycling thing, then the special iftar inshaAllah then the project ihsan overnight service camp/qiyam then hustle for aceh and yeah ahahah. This week, as compared to the upcoming weeks, have been more lax yet I haven't gotten a chance to write out or think through or develop wtv one liner wisdom pearls I've been getting. 1) the model love 2) setting progressive goals and translating it from intent, thoughts and into reality 3) the selfless - what's in it for me 4) weaknesses, strengths. Mess ups and humble pies. - road to br(ok)en 5) humble pie of learning from people we'd least expect 6) purified lil kids and the parenting I seeee at terawih And ya hahaha u see so much actlly to process tapi kian tak cukup waktu :""( Walhal when you asked me to write a poem HAHAHA I WAS LIKE jack so kind of u la hahahaha making it interactive, I thought twas gonz be like your typical factual thoughts theories and learnings, type of post but EHHH HAHAHA terselit "mirror" inside jugak hahaha but yeah. I think how I write poems, like the skeleton, is kinda to pick out words that ring forth. So yeah as seen in exhibit yellow notepad HAHAHA as u can see written at 1:02 otw home ah from tadi while dropping by giant to buy dark choxxx but yeah: Burn with Love Engulf Ashes Crashes Hushes. ^ then usually Id continue with finding rhyming words then let more ideas thoughts flow but eeks hahahah kk tkde time. But #1, notice I'd capitalize Love. Cuz the moment we use Love, it kinda refers to godly kinda instead of lowly earthly love between creations. But yeah probs the ideas I'd play around would be about ego death and burning such into ashes, which may at first leave you in states that feels like the self crashes, ruins but in all it silences the soul, hushes. And thats where true empty cup and humility and ready to listen to The Word to reach you. And I like the idea of Burn WITH Love, that Love is there by you, as you burn with intensity, there by you through the journey from darkness into light, through by you, be with you. And it encapsulates going thru the process together. With Love. Al waliy. Its so interesting, just a play of, huruf jjar hahahah um prepositions and it might change up the meanings in varied ways. Burn FOR Love, Burn out of Love, Burn to Love, Burn into Love(hahahah idk is that possible) (I can only think of ways humans may reflect a tiny fraction of attributes of God by His mercy and will) but yeah and then the flow would also change immensely once you change the subject of Love to love. Burn for love, burn from love. Are burns always painful? Could the process be beautiful? What is the end product? What about sublimation - changes of state from one to another. What about the burn sensation, is that alll that you'd focus on, because of how fiercely the experience of a burn is? Is it self inflicted, accidental, a necessity to get to another state? Accidental from rubbing against what? Kerosene or another rough rock? Glow like that bbq thing (omg what is it called HAHA) (amber) or burn boldly like campfires. Did it start from small sparks and firestarters or set aflame from explosion. HAHAHAHA man, I'd love to exploreee writes once more hahaha but ok ah such thinking lead questions are pretty much a joy to wander/venture for a bit. But yeah man. Caught up with much on my plate :") and we have team members falling ill and belum properly confirm swee prep so rlly macam eeeks hahahah. "rabbi yussahil rabbi tamim bi khair" Sharing so much life updates ahahah though it's kinda irrelevant to u, if you weren't a friend. My friend. Hahaha chey possessive kk tak hahah kk astaghfirullah. But yeah addu'a biddu'a hope youre maximizing all the "mustajab doa moments" wether before buka or wee mornings aka last 1/3 of night, be it tahajjud or tak, or rainnn (masyaAllah, ytd's rain was beautifz hahshah i walked in the rain back home!!! I love it seh hahah) and yeah. Also reminder to self to upkeep al mulk, since I kinda began this post with reminder about graves :"") And yeah. Fridayyyyy alhamdulillah :) Hahahah. I wonderrrrrrr where you'd be performing your piece and I kinda rmmbred how I wanted to someday be in the crowds of yours but ahaha idk if our friendship is at that yet ahahaha but yay all the best I think you'd probs have fun ahah anddddd yeah man hahahah i went to re-watch your yoda performance where u spilled a little of your life story about tents and tensions and you gazing at sunrises while most of the population is asleeeep snoring. Voices man. Voices aren't the same as writes. Just as how it'll never equate to experiencing a person irl. Okkk and quick one worded word plays I sometimes do: Void. Voices. Vices. Vis a vis. Liver. Live. Love. Lover. Love Her. Flicker, falter. Fall. Fail. Fate. Fade. ^ HAHAHA guess these are how I sometimes start. Catharsis. Aight. :) Keep writing man hahahah even if they arent mirror letters. I rlly enjoy reading writes, no matter. Bound to have gems. Bi idznillah. And alhamdulillah. :") - Fa