#there was a 4th fit but it came out ugly as hell

[mahoshonensuicidehotline]

Fashion

[ahotcutea]

How I love un-neat, scattered, rages of writing. Some call it journaling.

I was introduced to journaling through cupcakes dairies, the book I picked up in the 4th grade, I'm not sure if I remember this correctly, but I think the main character Kate has a diary, and while this book series didn't do much but feed me some misogynistic propaganda - it did fuel my love for writing. I remember looking for an empty notebook and I wrote in it every morning for 3 days, in neat loopy letters. I wrote how I felt and throughout the days I wrote what I did. For 3 mornings did I live my cupcake diary dreams. Then I didn't journal. For 6 years - I didn't journal.

In the 9th grade I opened google docs, I was angry hot and mad, I had an essay to write but there were more important things - there I sat in the study hall, just writing the room filled with keyboard clicks - over the span of 30 min I typed up a storm with no breaks, plenty spelling mistakes, spaces and punctuation where it didn't make sense, but the breath of air I took in was more apparent than a forest filled with fresh air.

And for a whole month, I filled that Google doc - I filled it to the point when it would glitch to get to a blank page. After that week of hotness and temper, I tried to get the journaling high - I forced myself to journal every day, but I killed the cat.

I didn't journal until the past few months - my friend told me about rage writing, or writing your emotions on a piece of paper and getting rid of it. I liked the first part of the concept so I tried it out, I would write my filterless emotions may they be happy sad, or mad. I wrote them sloped on the lines and in a sloppy pen with miss spellings and words that are too large that they fight to fit in the lines and some too small that they scream for a pause.

It looked ugly gross nasty and it only came in extensive rants in the span of 5 pages I would go through everything that happened in a month, it wasn't pretty but it was efficient - it was healing. This is what journaling is: a stream of consciousness that was neat, rowdy, and loud, but it never spoke and was never meant to be re-read, just meant to express.

The straightness and orderliness of girlhood have exhausted me, and that's why writing in cute neat lines never lasted more than what I tried for it too. The expression of rage journaling was filthy it wasn't girl-like - it was nasty, unhygienic, it was freeing, it was messy too. Some things I wrote between the lines would guarantee me a nice spot in hell, but I never spoke them so I pray god doesn't hold them against me.

Journaling is a girl's secret it keeps you and the devil separate you don't say the words aloud so he can't hear you, but play with the words whispering them hoping the moment you stuff the book in between your mattress the devil dies.

I would attach some pictures but Pinterest is neat galore and if I took some pictures of my journal, then I forever will be doomed.

Anyways

This, in a way, was a rant

XoXo~ Z

[vale-ocs-roleplay]

“We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.”

― Oscar Wilde

Name: Misha de La Tour

Species: half-blood vampire

Age: 131 years old

Apparent age: 30 years old

Date of birth: 4th October 1890

Height: 199 cm

Appearance:

“And if you look into his eyes you will be swallowed up by the existential emptiness, as if nothing more existed, like a black hole that absorbs all light, all life. Yet his gaze still speaks„

A ghost, an alien, death itself. The figure of him is gruesome in the night that surrounds him. Almost two meters tall, thin, angular and extremely pale even for his species, he is so white that under the lunar rays he seems to shine with a deadly glow, Misha de La Tour is perhaps not the most hideous undead that can be seen, but his presence is disturbing more for his abnormality than for his ugliness. He is the incarnation of the unknown who frightens, which does not fit into the habits of the world.

The soft, wavy platinum blonde hair is the only thing about his appearance that recalls a human heritage abandoned, after all, not too long ago. But what really makes the heartstrings of those who see him tremble are his eye sockets empty of him. He has no eyes on his face, but in their place there is nothing waiting for the gaze, a nothing so black that no light ever reaches.

It seems that he has lost his eyes when he was still human, but now those cavities have taken on a new and supernatural character. Obviously he is blind, but he does not seem to have problems living, nor does he seem to be able to hide those eyes that do not exist for too long.

Aware of his appearance, he is careful not to show himself too often, and if he does he will be so covered that you will never recognize him.

Despite his bizarre appearance, however, his voice speaks of beauty and sweetness. Warm, deep and reassuring, if you are strong enough to listen to it, it will be able to charm you more than a beautiful face can.

History:

“My job is to save, not to kill„

In truth little is known about his life.

Misha was born in 1890 in France, in Paris, the son of a French father and a Russian mother. Both parents came from wealthy families, the first one in science and the second in the literary field, so the child grew up with the best possible education, in a city that offered not negligible cultural opportunities.

In fact, he proved to be a promise in medicine from a young age, and in a short time he became a skilled doctor, under the guidance of excellent experts of the time. He became engaged to a young woman from a good family who later became his wife, and to a certain extent his human life was relatively fulfilling and happy.

With the outbreak of the war, it is not clear how his life proceeded, we only know that he continued to operate in his business at least most of the time, but all of a sudden all traces of him and his own family were lost.

He only reappeared in 1920, as a vampire and without eyes. To those few human contacts that he resumed out of necessity, he vaguely spoke of a serious accident, and said that neither his wife nor his family of origin existed anymore. He said he was seriously ill and somehow managed to keep his new appearance hidden, or at least not reveal it completely.

Who made him a vampire is not known, there is talk of a noble vampire who transformed him to save his life but nothing is certain. In any case, Misha managed to get in touch with other vampires and, apparently, at least to ensure his survival.

Despite the antipode with his now true nature and his blindness, Misha never stopped being a doctor and indeed, there was always someone who encouraged his career. He still operates today, he is an illegal doctor hiding in the London suburbs; whoever goes to him is almost never well liked, yet they still want to be saved. He heals vampires, but he also heals humans, those humans of whom no one knows exist and of whom the world is afraid because they are too bizarre to be understood. On the other hand, who could be better suited than him to be the “Monster Doctor”?

Personality:

“I don’t even know if I fear the day when I will take a life or if instead I look forward to my guilt and condemnation„

Misha is an extremely sweet and kind person. He knows how to take care of anyone who knocks on his door and knows how to heal the wounds that arise in front of him. He neither denies nor rejects his vampire nature, but reconciles it with his calling. In his small doctor’s office he works on his patients regardless of who they are by taking his oath. He never remains rooted in the past but on the contrary, the more the world goes on, the easier it is for him to live and take care of others. The dual nature of him allows him to come into possession of knowledge that human doctors do not have, and he can range in different medical fields with extreme certainty of conscience.

While his looks may be alarming, Misha is arguably one of the most reliable and confident vampires around for humans, and with his work, however, it’s not hard for him to secure safe blood without having to attack a victim.

It is also true, however, that he too seems to have a dark side. Maybe Misha is not a violent or a sadist, maybe he doesn’t want to kill anyone; yet, it is undeniable that his profession leads him to a constant state of suffering, suffering that seems to cause him an unhealthy pleasure. He is aware that, sooner or later, sated or not, his nature will make him break that oath made with the world when he was still a creature of the day, and Misha does not know if this torments him as the greatest fear, or if instead it excites him as the most precious desire, to finally be free to be the monster that he is.

Powers and abilities:

- As a half-blood, he has no extra powers compared to basic ones: he has greater strength than human, speed, quick healing, and shape-changing ability (he prefers the raven form).

-With his skills over the years he has developed various formulas for protection from the sun’s rays, but with his appearance he hardly wanders in the daytime, so they are more useful to his patients than to him.

-He has extremely developed senses even for a vampire (even compared to many purebloods), probably due to the absence of sight. It must be said, however, that although he does not have eyes it still seems that that emptiness left in their place allows him to perceive something yet, but at the moment not even he can really explain what it is.

Trivia:

-Although he stays away from Pureblood society, some in great secrecy often turn to him for his expertise.

-He is Kirill’s close friend

-He has human friends who know his nature (they are Kirill’s friends)

-He has had to do with Zaafir in the past, and there seems to be a relationship of acquaintance between them even if none of him seem to give too much weight.

-He still knows how to cook very well.

- He can speak French, Russian and English.

[lovemesomesurveys]

If you were a witch, which animal would be your familiar? I don’t what a familiar is or anything about witchcraft.

If there's a design on your shirt, what is it? I literally just described it in the previous survey I did, but it has Ralphie from A Christmas Story on it with a bar of soap in his mouth and says, “Oh, fudge”, which is a quote from the movie.

If it was possible to colonize any planet and you were the leader, which planet would you choose? I really wouldn’t want to be the leader of anything. I’m not fit for that.

Is there a piece of technology that you just can't live without? I mean, I’m pretty attached to my laptop and phone, but of course if for some reason I couldn’t have them I would survive, but it’d be really quite boring. I don’t have much to do.

Would you ever visit a ghost town? That would be interesting.

What's the last thing you ordered from the last fast food place you went to? Loaded potato wedges and 3 egg rolls from Jack in the Box.

Which natural disaster scares you the most? They all sound terrifying. I’ve never experienced one. What're your religious beliefs and why do you follow them? I’m a Christian. I believe in God and that Jesus died for our sins and is our Savior.

What do you think happens after you die? I believe in heaven and hell.

What would you do if you found out your life was only a simulation controlled by someone else? That’s scary. I’ve had thoughts like that, though. Like a Truman Show scenario or that one day I’ll wake up and find out my whole life has been a dream.

What's the scariest thing you've accidentally found on the internet? Ugh, I HATED when jump scare things would go around. Like, people would disguise as a link for something else and then you click it and it’s some ugly, creepy looking girl screaming really loud. OH, and there was that one with the car that was driving down some winding road and you’re watching and waiting to see what the video is about and then bam! something pops up on the scream and scares you. Ughhh. Not cool. I’m such a jumpy person as it is already.

Is there anything bothering you right now? The usual stuff as always.

Thinking of every Halloween costume you've had, which one was the most creative? I never had a really creative one. They were pretty simple.

What song are you currently listening to and what song was the last you listened to? I’m not listening to music.

What's the picture on your calendar for this month? I don’t have a calendar for this year at the moment.

If you were a mythical creature, which would you be? A fairy.

If you were an animal, which would you be? A dog.

Were you ever bullied when you were younger and how did you handle it? I wasn’t, fortunately. It was something my parents worried about when I was in elementary school because I’m in a wheelchair, but honestly I never had any issues with anyone. The only bullying I receive is from myself on a regular basis. 

What do you remember most from being five years old? I have some vague, bits and pieces of memories from kindergarten. 

What do you remember most from being ten years old? I have some memories from 4th grade. My favorite teacher ever was my 4th grade teacher (who later ended up teaching 8th grade and I had him again) and I remember funny stuff he did and like how he read out loud to us books such as Matilda and he would the voices and made it fun for us. He also used to sing, and I remember one time he led all of us in a rendition of “I Want It That Way” by The Backstreet Boys lol. He was so cool. Oh, and he was known for doing “the robot” dance and miming. 

What do you remember most from being fifteen years old? Stuff from high school.

What does the last person you found attractive look like? Alexander Skarsgard is 6′4, has blonde hair, blue eyes, is very fit and in shape, and Swedish. He’s absolutely gorgeous.

Have you ever thrown something away and then wanted it back? Yes. I hold onto a lot of stuff that will sit in a box somewhere forever, but then if I get rid of something I’ll suddenly wish I still had it or have a need for it again.

What's one random city you want to visit? Seattle.

If you owned a store, what would you most likely sell? Books. It would have a cafe, too.

If you had a garden, what sort of plants would you grow? I don’t know, man. I have zero interest in gardening.

What's your favorite phase of the moon? I don’t have one.

What're your plans for today? I’ll attend my church’s livestream and then do the normal things I do everyday. 

What's the song for your life right now? I don’t know.

Do you believe that when you die, you get to see all your loved ones again? Yes.

Who would you be the most excited to see? My grandparents. 

Have you lost or almost lost someone close to you to death this year? Not so far...  I don’t want to think about that.

Did you lose any of your friends this year and if so, how? I don’t have any friends to lose. 

Have you experienced anything new this year and if so, what? Not so far, but we’re only in January. 

Do you enjoy reading National Geographic magazines? I’ve only read a few. 

Would you rather read the book or watch the movie? I love to read and I’m down to check out the movie.

Do you know anyone who's serving in the military right now? No.

Does or did either of your parents serve in the military? Nope.

Has anything in your house ever caught on fire? No.

Have you ever hugged a stranger you thought was someone else? No. Omg, that would be super embarrassing. I’ve waved to someone I thought was someone else, but never went so far as to hug someone I thought was someone else.  As a small child, did you ever feel as if you were different or weird? No, not really.

If you could instantly know any language in the world, what would it be? I’d like to be fluent in Spanish.

This year, how many times have you been to the doctor? So far just once. I go once a month and we’re only in January. 

Do you have a library card and if so, do you use it often? Nope. I haven’t had a library card since I was in high school.

Do you like romcoms and if you do, which one is your favorite? Yeah, I’m a sucker for the romcoms. I have several favorites.

Thinking of your ex and the person you love, are they similar in any way at all? I don’t have a significant other or someone I’m interested in at the moment.

Is there something you currently want and/or need that you can’t have? Yes.

Thinking back to six weeks ago, were you happier then or are you happier now and why? Neither then or now. 

Who's the first male you can think of whose name begins with "T" and what can you tell me about him? Thomas, my maternal grandpa. He sadly passed away 10 years ago. Both of my maternal grandparents passed away. I was very close with both of them and losing them was very hard for me. I miss them both every single day. My grandpa was an amazing man. He was the best husband, father, and grandpa. He was hardworking. He provided well for his family. He was loving. He was so funny. He told the best stories. He was known for being a talker haha, he could go on and on for hours, but everyone always wanted to hear what he had to say. And sometimes he’d go off on tangents, but the stories always came for circle. He was just an incredible man, well loved and missed by many.

Can you say "happy birthday" in another language? Yeah, “Feliz cumpleaños.” 

What subjects do you or did you get the worst grades in? Math was always my worst subject, I barely scraped by with Cs.

Should you be concentrating on something else instead of this survey? Nah. This is my nighttime routine.

Have you ever told someone that you loved them and they rejected you? I didn’t tell them I loved them, but I expressed my feelings for them and was rejected. Twice.

Do you know anyone else that's happened to? Yeah.

Is there anything you want to say to someone, but you can’t or won’t? Not at this time. What're your reasons for not saying it? --

Who's someone in the music industry you think is overrated? Taylor Swift. Don’t for me, Swifties. 

Who's the eleventh contact in your phone and when did you last see or speak to that person? I’m not checking. 

What’s your mother’s middle name? I’m not sharing that.

When was the last time you ate cake and what type of cake was it? I had some red velvet cake a few days ago.

Have you ever been told you were too good or not good enough for someone you loved? I had friends who said I was too good for Joseph. I wasn’t good enough, though.

Why do you think someone would say that to you? They didn’t like how he treated me and thought he was too immature.

If the last person you kissed said you were the only one they wanted, would you believe them? That was 8 years ago, I don’t see him ever saying that now...

Who was your first crush, how do you feel about that person now and do you still talk to them? My first crush was this kid Philip when I was in 3rd grade lol it was just some little crush, I was 9. He didn’t even know me.

Who was the last person that apologized to you and what was it for? I don’t recall.

So how're things going with the person you love? There’s no such person.

Are you "in love" with the last person you kissed? No. I moved on years ago.

Do you have photos to go with all of the contacts in your phone? I haven’t added a photo for any of my contacts.

Who was the last person to comment on one of your photos on Facebook and how did you meet that person? I think it was my Nana. 

How many of your friends are sexually active?

To finish, is there anything you would like to say to someone? Sigh.

Do you think surveys are annoying? They can be sometimes, but I really do enjoy doing them. Clearly.

What career paths are you considering? I don’t know. :/

Do you watch music videos? I haven’t in a long time.

Have you ever clicked on those banner ads that promise a prize for clicking? No. I definitely don’t miss popup ads. 

What kind of computer are you using? Macbook Air.

What kind of computer do you wish you were using? I’m happy with this one.

Have you ever had a weight change so drastic you went to the doctor? I didn’t see a doctor for it specifically, but yeah it was concerning. It’s still a problem I’m struggling with. 

How cold does it have to be before you put on a sweater? In the 60s F, I’d say. 

Do you eat things off the floor? Never.

Who do people say you look like? My mom.

Do you usually get your homework done on time? I’m done with school, but yeah I always got my homework done on time. I may have been a major procrastinator, but my work always got done.

Have you ever framed your old movie ticket stubs? Not framed, but kept.

Do you have a digital camera? Nope.

Have you ever stuck something inappropriate in an electrical outlet? No. I’m afraid to plug in things that meant to go in there as it is.

What do you have anything scheduled for the 16th of this or next month? We’re past the 16th now, but no I didn’t have anything going on that day and I don’t have anything planned for that day next month either.

Can you sleep without any pillows? No. I can’t sleep flat, I have to be propped up.

Is there a color you refuse to wear? I don’t like to wear white.

Has anyone ever pulled a gun on you? No, but I am a victim of random gun violence. 

Are there any chairs in your bedroom? My chair. There’s an ottoman that could also be a chair as well.

How many pairs of shoes do you have? Like 6 or 7.

How much was the last item of clothing you bought? My total was $40 for 2 shirts, but I ordered online so there’s additional fees. 

Where's your father right now? He’s in his room asleep.

Do you skip breakfast often? Yeah.

How many days has it been since your last birthday? My birthday was 6 months ago.

Do you want any more siblings than you have now? Nah, at 31 years old I can’t imagine having another sibling. 

Would you make a good president or prime minister? Nope. I have no desire to be one.

Are you going out of the country soon and if so, where to? No. I don’t have any travel plans and who knows when I will at this point. :(

Do you ever feel like you want to get away from everything? Yeppp.

Do you need a haircut? I could use a trim.

When was the last time you went on a trampoline? Never.

Were you alone today? I’m alone right now in my room cause everyone else is asleep, but they’re here in the house. My dad is off today and will be home all day. My mom and brother have work, but they’ll be home at some point.

Who was the last person you saw today? The day isn’t over yet, it’s only 4:51AM, but I’m willing to bet my brother will be the last person I see cause he and I stay up late.

[murfeelee]

TS4 Werewolves - Rant Alert

I got this one comment that sent me off on a whole tangent, so I decided to reply to it separately.

slade-the-neko replied to your photoset “The Wolves:This world is slowing down How can I fight it? How can I?...”

Dang Murf, that's very impressive! Really makes me wish Sims 4 had werewolves. I'll definitely try porting the Skyrim model to TS4 if they ever add them.                    

Y’all know TS4 is my trigger -- wtF is EA even doing over there? That Tiny Living Stuff Pack was a JOKE, like....seriously? o_O For as much money as they’re swindling y’all for TS4, EA’s Sims team is creatively BANKRUPT. ZERO innovation, intuition or inspiration.

EA just takes popular concepts/crazes like the Tiny House Movement, Baby Yoda, and Harry Potter, and waters it down to the barest of minimums: tiny homes with huge AF Murphy beds instead of bunk beds or convertible futons/sofa-beds; a decorative Baby Yoda you can’t even interact with; no school of magic sims can go to (and no magic for kids YET). I’m so tired of them!

People keep comparing RoM to TS1′s Makin Magic, and I keep going WHERE? I said in my initial trailer reaction for RoM that it made zero frikkin sense for the RoM magic land to have that perma-nighttime full moon, without even bothering to have werewolves in the so-called realm of magic.

RoM would’ve been the PERFECT chance to add werewolves. What better way to have a magical pack than to also introduce werewolves as the local denizens of Glimmerbrook’s forests. Missed opportunity, EA. (－‸ლ) 

They could’ve added a werewolf household living in the woods, that your sim either befriends or gets bitten by, so your sim goes to the Magical Realm to either find a cure for lycanthropy (for the werewolves or for THEMSELVES if they’re bitten and are gonna turn in a couple days), or wolfsbane poisoning if one of the wolves is made sick by the brand new harvestable Wolfsbane *cough cough!* (Wolfsbane comes in the Vampires GP, but they could‘ve totally made more types of Wild Wolfsbane, Yellow Aconite, Purple Monkshood, etc.).

Either one would give your sim a REAL impetus and incentive to go learn magic and talk to the RoM residents and mess with potions & alchermy. Which is another reason I said (I’ve BEEN saying) I wanted HEDGE WITCHES, who could do HERBOLOGY. U_U

The RoM Game Pack NEEDED to be its own Expansion -- it wasn’t a realm at all; it was a Diagon Alley ripoff and everybody knew it. HELLO, EA! Part of worldbuilding is creating a EFFING STORY that gives your game a FRIKKIN PURPOSE. EA didn’t go the distance at all; they did the mere basics of adding magic to TS4, with a lot of style but not much substance. But ironically they did the same with the mermaids, which did get their own EP, and everyone agrees that TS4′s Island Living was worse than TS3′s Island Paradise, so wtf. (－‸ლ) 

But I doubt werewolves would get their own Game Pack like the Vampires & Spellcasters -- EA would do Faeries/Elves before wolves, I suspect, cuz faeries are in a sense easier. Wings, mushrooms & flowers, glittery magic, LOTR-esque art nouveau inspired furniture, etc -- everyone knows the standard faery.

But if TS4 werewolves got a pack all to themselves it would force EA to effing give a crap about lycan culture & lore, and the complexities of things like pack dynamics (alphas, betas, omegas, etc), moon cycles, transformations, lupine physiology & locomotion; diet & hunting (adding new flora & fauna), etc.

While heavy in gameplay expansion, with werewolf-specific abilities, interactions & animations, what other stuff could you stuff into a werewolf stuff pack? Y'all saw how in TS3 the Supernatural EP didn’t give wolves a single bloody thing other than their CAS stuff -- for build/buy mode wolves got ZILCH. We didn’t get busted furniture or shattered windows or blood splatters or more fur patterns -- NOTHING. Everything in build/buy mode was for witches & faeries--all wolves could do was tear the crap up with their claws.

And even their CAS stuff was lackluster - no hairy skins, makeup or tails, but we got body hair & face sliders, claws, fangs, etc.

I like TS1's werewolf design from Makin Magic the most, since their heads/skins looked like wolves.

TS2′s was the biggest downgrade in terms of the LOOK of werewolves, in that it was just a skin.

If EA does do wolves for TS4, I’d hope they make it so the werewolves look like effing WOLVES. At least let them turn into animals, like the ones in TS2 PETS. (WHY TF was TS2 the only time Sims had ACTUAL magical pets!? >_< TS3 has dogs! TS4 has dogs! DO IT ALREADY.)

Considering the cartoony PG13 angle EA insists on keeping TS4, I don’t imagine they’d EVER make wolves look like @camkitty2​’s amazing werewolf mod at MTS:

And certainly not the scary Skyrim werewolves that I converted.

Or even the ones from EA’s other property, Dragon Age (which are effing ugly, IMO).

(The ugly anthropomorphic bipedal version, btw, not the more wolf-like version.)

TBH, If TS4 did werewolves at all I BET YOU MONOPOLY MONEY the template EA’d use would be a lot like Bigby Wolf’s design from the Wolf Among Us video game:

Bigby goes through 4 phases, from man to gradually being an actual wolf in his 4th phase/Final Form. His 3rd phase has a face that not really wolf-like so much as Jekyll/Hyde; beastly enough that you pretty much know Oh that’s a werewolf they’re doing, without it actually looking like any animal.

It’s big and scary with muscles & claws & hair, but cartoony enough that it’s not drastically different from a regular sim. EA’s wack enough to pull something like that, rather than going the extra mile to give us the kind of Skyrim-esque werewolves many simmers want.

Or the full-shift magical WOLF that I personally want.

Don’t get me wrong; Bigby has a great design for Wolf Among Us, made by AA developers Telltale (who do The Walking Dead video games). But Electronic fArts is a AAA developer, with billion dollar budgets, massive teams & bookoo resources. But by god EA’s the laziest AAA company around; just the kind of twats to do AA level work with AAA finances, as we’ve seen in TS4 and TS3.

Bigby’s 2nd phase is basically what TS3 did for werewolves, with the scrunched up brow/nose, pointed ears, hairier face, etc.

This kind of werewolf design is fine, but it leaves A LOT to be desired, especially if it’s the only form you see in certain werewolf franchises. It reminds me too much of how Teen Wolf makes werewolves -- basically as hairier vampires from Buffy (which makes sense). But come on EA, go the distance; go FULL WOLF SHIFT or go home.

In Eastern Europe werewolves ARE vampires/witches -- they’re connected to nature magic, druids & wicca, neopaganism, etc: magic runes & symbols, stones & metals, scyring, bonfire festivals (having Celtic holidays would be so cool!), enchanted woods & nemetons & ley lines, the effect of moonlight on water #TuckEverlasting style, shamanistic sacred animal totemic power and such. Tap into that tribalistic Slavic, Norse & Celtic lore on werewolves, EA, you effing COWards!

In TS1′s Makin Magic and TS3′s Supernatural, witches and werewolves came in the same pack, and had gameplay elements tied to each other -- in TS1 it’s the Beauty & the Beast charm that magical sims can use, and in TS3 werewolves can be used as witches’ assistants to Gather harvestables/collectables used in alchemy potions. So for TS4, having werewolves in RoM would’ve made SO MUCH sense. Hell, they could’ve fit into the Vampire GP, too -- why was wolfsbane even IN that pack? o_O

So if TS4 adds werewolves, I hope they add something NEW to the lifestate, and do more research into other portrayals & iterations of werewolves.

Everyone knows about Norse Berserkers (were-bears), but less attention is given to the Wolves of Odin, the Ulfhednar/Ulfhedinn (werewolves). A lot of Nordic neopagans are into them nowadays.

A werewolf GP would make it so EA would have to flesh out werewolves -- if they live in the woods, give them woodland build/buy mode CC. Let them live OFF THE GRID as technophobic naturists, cuz electronics like tvs, PCs & radios hurt their sensitive eyes & ears. They could be more modern, sure, but it would be so much cooler to have sims who only use well water and hot springs and compost toilets and woodfire ovens.

Bring back hobbies/skills like bone/woodcarving, gem cutting, basket weaving & looms, soap/candle-making, pottery, horticulture, tree-cutting/tree-hugging, animal husbandry (could you imagine werewolf shepherds? XD), sparring, (arm) wrestling, boxing, hunting, bird watching and more. Basically: fullblown medieval-rustic hunting lodge aesthetics: animal pelts, antlers, mounted taxidermy, COME ON, EA, stop being boring!

[p-and-p-admin]

Interview given to The Severus Snape and Hermione Granger Shipping Fan Group.  (sharing here Admin approved)

https://www.facebook.com/groups/199718373383293/

Hello Aurette and welcome to Behind the Quill, thank-you for letting us get to know you a little better.

I'm deeply honoured to be asked.

A true titan in the world of SS/HG fic, many of our readers will have broken their hearts over your story The Tattered Man.

Okay, let’s jump right in.

What's the story behind your pen name?

Honestly, it was a whim. Long before I thought of writing, I needed a login name to read fanfic. It was a play on Auror. I had no idea it was an actual name.

Which Harry Potter character do you identify with the most?

Hands down, Snape. I know that might sound strange, but he was the one that clicked. My niece introduced me to the books. Being in my 30s at the time, I already had kids of my own, so I didn't identify as one of the students. I loved Harry from the start but he had this uncanny ability to keep being wrong about nearly everything. The character who best expressed adult annoyance with that was Snape. And I do love a good jerk. Snape was a jerk.

Do you have a favourite genre to read? 

I'm a sucker for fantasy and science fiction. I hated reading as a child. All there was available when I was a kid was Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys and it was insipid. I glommed on to mythology early but once I'd read all the books in my library on the subject, I gave up reading at all. That was about 4th grade. Children's books in the 70s were total garbage and YA books only had one author: Judy Bloom.

Ironically, my first job was working in a bookstore. It was a college bookstore, so it was all textbooks. I wasn't even a student, so I had no interest in any of them. One semester. A Lit prof assigned Fahrenheit 451. The cover art caught my eye and I read the blurb. Then started reading the book. I finished it in about 5hrs. It blew my mind. I had no idea writing like that existed. And the book was about someone discovering the value of books. It was intellectual Inception waaaaay before that was a thing.

After that, it was like a switch flipped in my head. I sucked up books air. I was never without a book or two. Or three...

Do you have a favourite "classic" novel?

Obviously Fahrenheit 451. I'm going to go ahead and say Les Miserables as well. I was in my 30s when I finally read it and sobbed like a baby at the ending. The care and tenderness Hugo showed when portraying these disposable lives were so unique for that age. Sadly, even today. A lot of our culture is wrapped around the belief that only the wealthy have value and beauty is a pathway to wealth. The poor and ugly are a constant plague to be shunned or dealt with, not humans with crushed dreams that deserve to be valued in their own right. Look at how often fanfic recreatesSnape as handsome or Hermione as gorgeous. Those are always the least interesting stories. (hops off soapbox)

At what age did you start writing?

Whatever age I was when I wrote Safe House. Probably 40ish? That terrible little fanfic is literally the first thing I ever wrote beyond shopping lists and emails. It's an ugly child, but my first, so I love its pointy head. I intentionally leave it up so new writers can see my learning curve. No one starts out good. Read my stories in reverse chronological order and you'll see they get a little worse each time. That's how much I grew as I learned the craft.

How did you get into writing fanfiction?

Reading tons of it. I was at a total loss after the book Deathly Hallows came out and it was all over. Reading it had become an event in my house. My husband and I would snatch the book out of each other's hands "You've had it long enough. My turn." And then there were no more...

I couldn't even tell you how I found fanfic, but it kept me sane. I keyed in on SS/HG because at the time there was a noticeable difference in the talent level in that ship. I must have read SS/HG fanfic for a solid 2 yrs before I took a leap and wrote my own. I was inspired by the amazing stories, but also by the crappy ones.  "Heck, I could do better" became its own form of allowance. So I had a small 'what if' and just went for it. Of course, it was crap, everyone's first is. But taking the leap and writing it was a huge thing for me to have done.

What's the best theme you've ever come across in a fic? Is it a theme represented in your own works?

I'm a sucker for a story where characters overcome emotional adversity, both external and internal. If you squint. You'll see that theme repeated throughout my fics.

What fandoms are you involved in other than Harry Potter?

None. Nothing else ever grabbed me as a sandbox I wanted to play in before or after HP.

If you could make one change to canon, what would it be? Do you have a favourite piece of fanon?

Gosh, I don't think I would change a thing about JK Rowling's work. Things I would change would only be me forcing her story to fit my preferred ideal. However, if you think about it, her world, the good and the bad,  challenged all of us to churn out 100,000+ what ifs. Some out of anger. Heh.

As for fav piece of fanon, probably that Malfoy jr was Snape's godson. He's totally not, but whoever started that created a great layering of the dynamic between them that you can share in so many tones.

Do you listen to music when you write or do you prefer quiet?  

I was a stay-at-home mom when I was writing most of my fanfics, so I wrote in a chaotic and very noisy environment. I didn't listen to music when I wrote, but music was often the inspiration. When I would get stuck in writing, I would leave it and go listen to music that was emotionally similar to where I wanted the story to be while I thrashed out plot points. Colossus by Afro Celt Sound System is amazing for plotting a prelude to a battle.

What are your favourite fanfictions of all time?

Gosh, there are so many. Sadly, many of the authors who first inspired me are gone and pulled their fics off the web, like my fanfic bestie Dressagegrrrl. I would have to call out Pet Project by Caeria as the one I found most inspiring.  Anything by ApolloniaV is pretty high up there in my book. There are dozens I'm forgetting. There was one called Resurrection Man about Snape accidentally creating a hilarious Zombie apocalypse. Best. Fic. Ever. It disappeared from the web when the author moved on. An incredible loss.

Are you a plotter or a pantser? How does that affect your writing process?

Total pantser. The obvious effect is to drive the story right off a cliff and be unable to salvage it. It's why I vowed to never start posting until I had a rough draft ending. Too many dead stories waiting for an ending that never came. But an outline for me is a killer in disguise. I lose interest in telling the tale because I already did in the outline. The fun part is over. Sitting at a keyboard typing your fingers off, while muttering, "What the hell are these people doing? Who's writing this stuff?!" is an amazing experience.

What is your writing genre of choice?

In fanfic, I ran with every genre there was. Mostly I wanted to see if there was one I couldn't tackle.  Most of my o-fic is a hard-to-define mishmash of fantasy and sci-fi. I want to write romance, but it always turns into something complicated and angsty that no longer fits the box.

Which of your stories are you most proud of? Why?

The Tattered Man.

Did it unfold as you imagined it or did you find the unexpected cropped up as you wrote?

It came off exactly as I'd planned in my head. A rare occurrence for me.

What did you learn from writing it?

I could make people cry with my words. Up to that point, I'd made readers laugh and yell and blush, but to get a reader to the point of actually weeping? That's not easy. JK Rowling did it with ease. It was a challenge.

How personal is the story to you, and do you think that made it harder or easier to write?

It's very personal. My father had just died.  He'd had cancer, and it might have got him in the end, but what actually killed him was being sent home with a feeding tube and the wrong instructions. None of the homecare nurses realized the mistake until his kidneys shut down. It was devastating. When I next took up writing, I was still hurting so I tried to make others feel what I felt at a death that didn't have to be. It was crazy easy to write. I wrote it all in one day. Based on the reviews, I achieved my goal. It helped me work through my loss. Pretty sure I gave a few readers PTSD. My bad.

What books or authors have influenced you?

My all-time favourite book is Iain M. Banks' Use of Weapons. Definitely a classic among the eighteen people in the United States that read it. The man was a shockingly gifted author and I was devastated when he passed away. His ability to just drop you into the action from the first page and not bother to explain what's going on is sadistic genius.

How do you think that shows in your writing?

It led to my belief that a writer is always better when they assume their readers are smart. Grab their interest and just run. They'll catch on and even pass you with their theories of what's going to happen next. I've no patience with stories that spell out everything in minute detail. They're tedious and insulting. Less really is more. On the other hand, writing over your reader's head is just as annoying. Intentionally using obscure SAT words in your story just makes you a pretentious twat. Unless your character is a pretentious twat and it's part of the dialogue.  In that case, twat away. *gigglesnort*

Do people in your everyday life know you write fanfiction?

My family all knew. They were tremendously supportive. Especially Mr. Aurette, my personal Snape. Outside of my family, I was less forthcoming. Mostly because it was so crazy hard to explain. I think it's a lot less weird now, but back then? It was far more stigmatized.

How true for you is the notion of "writing for yourself"?

That's a hard one. For someone who'd never tried to write a story before, it was an amazing journey to realise what I could do. That changed me forever. Having the instant feedback of reviews was intrinsic to that experience. The downside is you can get sucked into writing for reviewers, and they will tell you clearly what they want and expect.  That can stifle. I knew no one wanted The Tattered Man to end the way it did. I was pretty terrified of the reaction. But it's what I wanted. It was the entire point. I wrote that ending for myself, but I cowered after posting.

How important is it for you to interact with your audience? How do you engage with them? Just at the point of publishing? Through social media?

I absolutely loved interacting with my readers. I made some real-life friends and some really great fic buddies all over the world. I watched them become friends in reviews too. It was a really great experience. Spam-posting a fic would often take on a festival atmosphere. Unfortunately, when my review count started to really take off, I couldn't cope with the sheer numbers the same way. There weren't enough hours on the day to reply to everyone. Trying to personalize my response to a review grew overwhelming. I actually grew quite depressed over it. Connecting on a more removed, professional level seemed cold. I connected the most on Livejournal when that was a thing. But I had to back off. "Aurette" became far more witty and wonderful than I was in real life. Everyone wanted a piece of her. I couldn't keep up with the bitch. Lol.  I faded away from most interactions on social media out of self-preservation. Even tiny fame can make you whacko.

What is the best advice you've received about writing?

There's a few that come to mind.

1-If you want to be a better writer, kill every adverb you come across.

2-Read your words out loud to yourself. If you run out of breath, your reader will run out of patience at that exact point.

3-Dressagegrrrl was the one that finally made me see how playing POV ping pong within a scene was something that marked my writing as an amateur.

4-Stop trying to be clever. Be clever, if you are clever, but don't try. It comes off hamfisted every time. Readers hate that.

5-Never, ever, ever post something you wrote that day. You've left half of it in your head and you can't tell. It's awful.

6-If you're not even a little embarrassed by something you wrote 6 months ago, you're no longer growing as a writer.

What do you do when you hit writer's block?

That's a bit of a sticking point. Stress is a muse-killer. Anything you can do to rid yourself of stress will help. Writer's block is usually the result of something going on elsewhere in your life. Fix that and the creativity will come back.

That said, my life has turned into constant stress with the result being I no longer write at all.

Has anything in real life trickled down into your writing?

Everything has. 'Write what you know' is true for fantasy too. Whether it's heartbreak, or a drunken hookup that turned into love (Hello, Mr. Aurette) or a moment when you were a child and ignored or teased, or maybe the bully, all of it makes it's way into the emotional truth of a scene or character, no matter how outlandish the setting.

Do you have any stories in the works? Can you give us a teaser?

I have a Dropbox full of stories I've run into the wall or had to leave half finished, both fanfic and o-fic. No teasers, because at this point I don't think they will ever see the light of day. Never say never, but the light of hope is dim.

Any words of encouragement to other writers?

Anyone can write and everyone has something to say. Be open to the process. Part of that process involves having a stranger tell you that your shiny new love is really shit. Being defensive only prolongs your shittiness. Embrace criticism. Sometimes,  the process of justifying something can actually buttress your choice, so you double down with better results. Other times, you'll see your idea wasn't working after all. Be ruthless in your editing, but don't delete. That scene you cut because it caused everything to go off the rails could be a different story trying to get out. Take that leap, you fail at everything you don't try, so why not try something you really want?

Thanks so much for giving us your time.

It's been my pleasure.  Thank you for the opportunity.  *waves to my readers*

[alreadydeadtoyou]

What Is It About Me, Specifically

My earliest memories are of me feeling different. I was a sad kid, but I liked Lincoln Elementary Screwl even though I took flight from Mrs. Gatkze's kindergarten class the very 1st day. That was back in 1969, these days a school liaison officer would be on the radio instead of the aged Frau Gatkze yelling out "CATCH THAT GIRL" as I ran westbound toward Mare-Mare White's house.

I don't THINK I pee'd my tights THAT day, I'm 58 now and foggy on some details. I can't recall events surrounding my mom's approach to the situation: DRAPING THEM ACROSS A FOUNDATION BUSH in front of our (YeeHaH) ranch house. I'm going to rule out Winter, as I surely would have remembered 3 Stooge Style frozen piss tights being brought back into the house ala stiff cardboard cutout.

Sincerely yours,

The Teeth Grinder

Age 5

I liked Lincoln School with the exception of Fizz Ed and the gym teacher, Paul J Hagen.  That MAY not be his correct middle initial, it’s just something I started adding to his name in the early 1980′s when sending funny forged xmas cards from him to longtime friends. I was too (choose from the following options) uncoordinated, slow and Tina Turner SAD to enjoy gym class.  Paul J Hagen wore WHITE short shorts, ala RENO 911.  He da MAN.  Nothing ever good happened to me nor for me in gym class, regardless of grade.

Paul J Hagen was only impressed if one could CLIMB A ROPE TO THE GYM’S CEILING.  I couldn’t check that box.  I don’t think I was notably lanky at that time (1st thru 4th grades), but Scooter Hockey had my knees up to my chin like I was already riding with the Hell’s Angels.

Kick Ball COULD have been ‘okay’ (not fun) if I only had to KICK--no outfield work, where I could neither run down a ball nor gauge/pluck that red vinyl orb mid air. I was picked last for teams, any team, and Captains would go out of their way to exhibit their disgust.

Self-conscious and shy, every pore in my Spartan Atlantic-Treasure Island clothed body wanted to fit in.  Then came SQUARE DANCING, where one would THINK it would be an even playing field--until we were instructed to FIND A PARTNER and the token mentally challenged ‘it’s the 1960′s, let’s experiment and stick him in a regular classroom...’ kid in a near adult body not only CHOSE me, Giles Bruecher proclaimed his love that drove the decision.

My reaction was to flip my fucking wig. Or rather, ugly SHAG.

Love is Blind--Giles, not me.  He was a Bagger at Sentry for decades--I’m sure his 401k plus company match, his 40+ years of banked full-time paychecks and virtually zero living expenses have him doing better than I @ this stage in life. Giles Bruecher is probably MAKING IT RAIN at a strip club or has a live-in “caregiver” slash prostitute.

[junker-town]

The Packers can keep winning by trusting Aaron Rodgers ... and a suddenly scary defense

Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

Matt LaFleur learned a lesson about square pegs and Aaron Rodgers-shaped holes. Plus, that defense.

Matt LaFleur, the rising mind brought to Green Bay to reinvent a flagging offense, didn’t get to show off much innovation in his head coaching debut. He entered Week 1 with visions of a quick-hit offense chipping away at the Bears’ vaunted defense en route to paydirt. After a handful of early failures, he soon found he had good reason to fall back into a more traditional scheme that valued vertical routes over fast-developing horizontal ones.

Well, two good reasons. Aaron Rodgers and a revamped defense.

The first-year sideline general put in work to gameplan around Chicago’s elite pass rush, saddling Rodgers with a litany of short-drop passes early in the 2019 season opener. But when those plays fizzled out amidst a punishing array of penetration, LaFleur cleared the deck for Rodgers to take control and play his game at the risk of continued abuse. He allowed for longer dropbacks and greater opportunities to improvise, even as the Bears continued to swarm an overwhelmed line.

Trusting Rodgers was the right thing to do, especially against the backdrop of a suddenly overwhelming Green Bay defense. His playmaking proved to be the difference in a Thursday night rock fight between two NFC North rivals. The Packers escaped Soldier Field with a 10-3 victory over the reigning division champions, simultaneously proving Rodgers can find his patented brand of magic when he’s got an ounce of a chance and that his defense can keep him in the game those weeks he can’t.

Rodgers’ freewheeling, big-armed moments were an oasis in a desert of ugly

Green Bay’s early results at Soldier Field weren’t optimistic. Through five drives, Rodgers had attempted 13 passes where he had less than three seconds to stand in the pocket. It was clear Rodgers wasn’t comfortable with these plays, and though they mostly kept him upright, they failed to spark any kind of rhythm for the visiting team. Counting two sacks, those plays accrued 23 net yards.

They also gave us, uh, whatever the hell this was:

There was a light peeking through that dark blue blanket that seemed to smother LaFleur’s offense from the first play of the game. The situations where Rodgers found time in the pocket were different. From the opening kickoff to the first two-minute warning, he only had two plays in which he had at least three seconds to get off a pass.

They resulted in a pair of completions for 58 yards. The highlight was a 47-yard heave to Marquez Valdes-Scantling that embodied Rodgers’ passing in its prime:

More longer-developing plays followed as Green Bay ran a two-minute drill as the second quarter clock ran down. When Rodgers had time — either due to play-action misdirections, potent blocking, or panicked scrambling — the Packers’ play ceiling evolved from static shock to lightning bolt.

just Aaron Rodgers things pic.twitter.com/GZdPR6rxuh

— Christian D'Andrea (@TrainIsland) September 6, 2019

While these plays weren’t all successes, they gave a formerly foundering offense a little extra buoyancy in a game where neither side could find consistency. And if that’s not the lesson LaFleur takes away from his coaching debut, then Green Bay could be in for another long year.

The Packers took over when they trusted Rodgers to withstand heat in the pocket

One major unofficial reason for last year’s conscious uncoupling between the Pack and former coach Mike McCarthy was his alleged clashes with Rodgers over Green Bay’s offensive philosophy. LaFleur’s willingness to adjust and seemingly cede control to Rodgers’ on-the-fly style suggests he won’t have a similar problem with his quarterback’s penchant for falling in love with ugly plays.

Rodgers’ touchdown throw to Jimmy Graham — the league’s first touchdown of 2019 — was a prime example of this. The play should not have worked on paper. Rodgers, facing pressure (he got the pass off in ~2.3 seconds), didn’t square up to his target and threw with most of his weight seemingly on his back foot. Graham, flanked by one Packer and four Bears in his corner of the end zone, was not particularly open.

But it worked, because Rodgers trusted his throw and trusted a tight end known for boxing out smaller defensive backs in the end zone to work his magic as well.

Aaron. Jimmy. TOUCHDOWN! : #GBvsCHI on NBC#GoPackGo pic.twitter.com/jlBptDWbRO

— Green Bay Packers (@packers) September 6, 2019

LaFleur, to his credit, devised a way to put his quarterback in more of these situations in the second half. After running a long list of short horizontal routes in the first quarter, the rookie head coach began to stretch the field and exploit mismatches as they arose. The best example of this came in the third quarter, when Graham dragged linebacker Roquan Smith nearly 40 yards downfield in a matchup from which Rodgers never bothered to look away.

The result? 38 yards on a pass interference play so obvious Chicago coach Matt Nagy neglected to initiate the first-ever regular season PI review (LaFleur would take that honor moments later, unsuccessfully challenging what he deemed to be uncalled offensive interference).

This shift didn’t always work. The Packers still struggled to contain Chicago’s tide-shifting blitz packages, leading to five sacks, two holding penalties for All-Pro left tackle David Bakhtiari, and another for Bryan Bulaga. Fortunately for Green Bay, that didn’t matter. A few big plays were all the Packers needed to escape Illinois with a win.

That’s because the Packers’ defensive acquisitions paid off

Though the turmoil of McCarthy’s firing and the search for a new head coach may have been Green Bay’s offseason headline, it looks like it won’t be the team’s most important development. Instead, it’s another surprising shift in philosophy that was ultimately responsible for the first win of the 2019 NFL season.

General manager Brian Gutekunst went on an unprecedented spending spree to upgrade the Green Bay defense and create winnable situations for games where Rodgers is unable to light up the scoreboard. The Packers dropped $154 million in contracts to lure Preston Smith, Za’Darius Smith, and Adrian Amos to Wisconsin.

In their introduction to the Green Bay-Chicago rivalry, the Smiths combined for eight tackles and 2.5 sacks. Za’Darius brought the pressure that snuffed out the Bears’ final third down in a one-possession game. Preston officially ended any comeback hopes with a sack one play later.

What a fitting way for Week 1 to end! Free Agent signings, Za'Darius Smith and Preston Smith, sack Trubisky on a 4th & 8 to put a bow on it. A dominant performance by the Green Bay D. pic.twitter.com/BSxHfaQ1pN

— Steve Frederick (@_SteveFrederick) September 6, 2019

Amos hauled in what proved to be an overtime-preventing interception in the end zone with less than two minutes left to play to doom the team that let him leave in free agency. 2019 first-round draft pick Darnell Savage contributed a pass defensed from his starting spot in the secondary and was a valuable addition to Mike Pettine’s blitz packages.

The newest Packers played some of the biggest roles in a critical opening night win. This is important after last year’s defensive troubles.

Green Bay limped to a 6-9-1 record — even after beating the Bears in Week 1 — thanks, in part, to a mediocre defense that was unable to hold down the fort when its offense failed to come through. The 2018 Packers fielded the league’s 22nd-ranked scoring defense and didn’t win a single game when scoring fewer than 20 points, which happened six times. If Rodgers’ wasn’t clicking, the Packers weren’t winning.

On Thursday, that new-look defense made Mitchell Trubisky look overmatched in his third season as a pro and won a game in which its offense averaged just 3.7 yards per play. That’s not a very Packers win, and it’s certainly not what anyone would have expected from the LaFleur-Rodgers pairing, but Green Bay will take it.

Not only is it a win, but it’s one this club can build from as the young coach and his veteran quarterback settle into a groove behind a suddenly scary defense. With dates against the Vikings, Broncos, and Eagles looming, it’s tremendously reassuring for the Packers to know they can beat a team with a lights-out defense, even if they only score one touchdown.

[mariellewritesalot]

The Skinny on Being Body Positive

I have a problem with body image in 2018, and how only half of the progress is made by humanity to be a little kinder to ourselves regarding our bodies. The worse part is, I’m one of those people who fall for the standards of what’s hot and what’s not. The growing pains of teenage years, as it would seem, when social media and attention amount to basically everything in life. Instagram gratification through comments that say or even closely sound like, “Uy, pumayat ka!” somehow makes not eating rice and working out after school so worth it--no matter who sent it. Who cares, right? As long as someone thinks you’re attractive. Things like that serve as motivation, but really, it also becomes an underlying proof of how shallow and vain we can get. There’s nothing wrong with trying to take care of your body, that’s actually a great place to start as you mature, but sometimes we tend to get a little too enthusiastic that we start to punish ourselves unnecessarily through food-shaming or starvation or working out so hard after an equally busy day that you throw up and feel sick for two days straight after. I’m not someone anyone would call ‘fitness goals’ or ‘body goals’ because I still have a lot to work on, but I have a thing or two to say about how trying to live healthy could get unhealthy if we let it.

Growing up, my size and weight has always been fluctuating. In some photos I am chubby, in others, just right. Of course, as a kid, body size is the least of our worries; what with ninangs making gigil about how cute we are. Sometime around when I was 10 years old though, I started to feel a little bit more conscious, but whenever I brought up the idea of dieting, adults would always say I’m too young to worry about my weight. I let it slide. There were more problems to think about, after all. Come in high school, the pressure to look pretty and be what society claims to be ‘sexy’ rose up as we ranked up another grade level every year. Everyone around me at that time started getting boyfriends, and it always puzzled me, growing up from a conservative family and all. It didn’t help that I was the only girl, so getting involved with boys romantically wasn’t really a priority. That’s how people started to tell me, I could be pretty if I tried. I rarely did. I was going through puberty like everyone else so I couldn’t possibly know what I truly want to look like if my acne kept coming back and my hair was a big curly mess. I wore glasses since the 4th grade, so that automatically puts me in the ‘smart girl stereotype’ who holed up in the classroom and was labeled as a nerd. I have been chubby most of my life, so much that I don’t even notice it when I lose or gain weight until I look back to my photos from a few years later and see differences.

In the 10th grade, I was introduced to blogilates by Janiene, and sometimes tried to squeeze in a quick workout there from time to time. I was never consistent though, but it was okay. I started setting up goals and telling myself that when I turn 16, I should be at my prime. I should be able to go to family outings and wear a bikini, but I never did. At 16 I was still the same girl, and it became frustrating with every condescending comment whenever I ate a lot of food in front of friends and family. One relative even told me, “You have the body of a 30 year old,” which of course, for a teenage girl trying to get over insecurity issues, stung. So much that I still remember it to this day. When my mom would get me clothes and they won’t fit, in her exasperation she would unconsciously say something like, “You need to lose weight. You keep getting fatter.” Of course, having 5 brothers also put me on their radar a lot of times, earning me teasing on the daily. I was always made to feel about my weight, every once in a while someone will come in to the rescue and say, “You’re not that fat,” and it would make me feel a little bit better. Only until a few years later did I realize how unhealthy it was that being fat was associated to being ugly, when it shouldn’t have been like that. Not everyone is built to lose weight no matter how much they try healthy eating or exercise if their body type can only cater to so much.

I hit quite a low point for my body in 2016, when I started Senior High. I was usually around 135lbs/61kg but I noticed how my weight went up and my clothes felt a little bit snug as months went by. I would say the cause of it is both stress and happiness that causes “love chub” aka the fat that comes from being so happy and in love that people tend to overeat and feel too lazy to move around. When someone adores you no matter what size, it’s easy to let go of those fitness goals, and forget about trying to impress other people. Food becomes your best friend and a way of bonding with your significant other. The pressure is somewhat taken off. However, the little monster was still there, gnawing at my newfound confidence. Whenever a lot of people would comment that I’m gaining weight or I take photos and see that I look larger than usual, I would feel sad and cry about it. I eventually reached 153lbs/70kg and during the summer of 2017, I decided I would try to get rid of my extra weight. It wasn’t healthy anymore since my metabolic age reached 26, and I wanted to actually look better for my debut in November. This was the time I realized how discouraging it was when people don’t believe that you can do it, and how encouraging it was to get your heartbroken while you’re in the process of it all.

In a few months, I was down to 130lbs/59kg which now is my constant weight, though it occasionally rises up to 62kg during weeks when I don’t diet or workout. Goes to show how slow my metabolism is. I gain back weight easily if I don’t keep it together. Back in August 2017, I crossed off wearing a bikini on my list and for the first time took photos in the gym, coincidentally also the on the first time I went there. My diet is basically less carbs and sugar, more protein. I lived off skyflakes, bananas, yakult, homemade salads, soy milk and yogurt. I avoided fast food whenever I could and when eating outside, ordered the healthiest thing on the menu. I learned how to count calories using MyFitnessPal and kept it under 1200 most of the time. My workout is pilates at home and sometimes when I have all the time in the world, jogging at the oval. There are good days and bad days for my program, but what’s important to me is I am consistent with getting back on track no matter how many times I fall off the wagon. However, when Christmas and New Year break rolled around, I felt guilty as hell when all the food had come and gone and I am left with a lot of bloating and new added weight to ring in the new year. The frustration was back, harder than ever, since people have looked up to me after I kept the weight off.

When 2018 came, I tried to go on a reset to ease my guilt. It was going pretty well, I worked out everyday and removed dairy, gluten, added sugar, alcohol, and processed food on my diet. I went a little crazy, crying when I craved something and had to live off only on what I was allowed to eat. I thought I could go on for 28 days, but of course, eating less than required and working out did not go well with my hectic as hell schedule. I had classes, school paper and council meetings, and a lot of things on my plate. To top it all off, I workout as soon as I get home, skip dinner, and barely get enough time to sleep for the next day. I often felt a headache coming on, but chose to ignore it or down antibiotics until it fades away. My friends who see my eating habits at school were starting to worry I was going to have an eating disorder, while some classmates wanted to try eating healthy for a change because they saw how it worked out for me. I got tired of listening and was just determined to get through it and see results. Eventually, I got really sick. I started losing all energy and resulting to bad stomach aches with diarrhea and throwing up even without eating anything. Got really scary, almost got admitted to the hospital, and was taking a lot of medicine and bed rest for 4 days. Everyone around me told me it might be because I was pushing myself too hard on the losing weight thing that it backfired. Maybe it did, so I took a short break. Tomorrow I’m back to working out, but now I’m altering my diet into a healthier one that leaves me room to at least enjoy every once in a while instead of punishing myself for indulging my whims. 

The reason I’m writing this and telling you all about my journey with all its ups and downs no matter how much it hurts my ego to let you all in on my insecurities and ugly secrets, is because today I caught myself being someone I didn’t want to become: hungry for validation from others. There I was, scrolling through random girls’ Instagram pages, feeling really ugly and shitty about how I look, and at the same time feeling guilty about eating puff pastry, a rice meal, and Cheetos all in one day. A thing I don’t normally do anymore. I had a moment to myself to stop and realize that what makes trying to be healthy unhealthy is the way I compare my progress and body type to other people and letting negativity beat me to the ground until I’m back to living in agony; all in hopes of looking how society wants me to look like. I start to wonder if I’m still doing it for myself like how I was doing it before, or if I’m just overcome by pressure from other people to look my best. A lot of self-reflection was put into work, and I started thinking how lonely it would be if there are girls out there, especially those younger than me, who feel ugly just because of their body sizes and it breaks my heart. I don’t want them to feel the weight on their shoulders, and for them to think they aren’t pretty just because they’ve got a little chub here and there or they’re thinner than normal. It’s actually okay, and I commend people who try to stay fit, but making other people feel bad because they don’t look like they’re straight out of a magazine with perfect obliques, toned abs, and a huge front and behind is something that needs to be stopped. I don’t want to set a negative example on anyone, so I will take it easy on myself and be kinder with my judgment of other people from now on. 

 I am slowly learning how to move in my own pace, rejoice in my triumphs, and forgive myself whenever I slip up a few times. I’m going to have days of thinking, “fuck it, I’m having that donut” whenever I deserve it after working too hard academically or not. All in moderation. I know there will be days when I will feel tired of keeping up, and that I will constantly live in fear of not looking good enough, but I promise to be kinder to myself and to give myself breaks. I am no celebrity, I can’t afford gym memberships or surgical alterations, but I will make the best out of what I can do. Other people’s comments will either lift me up or bring me down, that’s for sure, but I will back myself up and think: What do I want? What do I think is better for myself? I will choose my words and battles, constantly trying to become a better person inside and out everyday. January might have been a bad start for this year, but I’ve got high hopes for the next few months to come because I stay driven and hungry in the best possible way, and what’s more is that I get to tell you that it does get better. I’m rooting for you to overcome the way society keeps body-shaming everyone that no one is sure what’s real or not anymore. So, make sure you do.

Always, 

Marielle

[hwaryungrp]

SPOTTED! MOON HAEBYEOL . 21.

Looks like they’ve been wandering around Hwaryung! You can find them living at JEONGNYEON STATION STUDIO APARTMENT #405 or if they’re not home they’re probably working at BK KAROAKE AS AN EMPLOYEE or at ORTHRUS AS AN ENFORCER. Turns out they are also currently studying ART at HWARYUNG ACADEMIC INSTITUTE. If you can’t find them offline, feel free to message them @mo._.on.

BIOGRAPHY

  How do you tell a child their mother never wanted them? How do you look into soft brown eyes filled with tears and tell them they’re never going home? At least not the home they’d always know. Well if you were Haebyeol, you’d know that they tell you in soft voices that her mother simply couldn’t take care of her anymore. Truth: Haes mother had only wanted a little boy and when she’d finally been blessed with said boy, she’d put her 3 year old daughter up for adoption. An unwanted little girl left to fend for herself in the real world, confused and scared.

  Moon Haebyeol was placed in her first foster home shortly after being given up by her mother- just short of her 4th birthday. She lived there for 3 years, the first year spent crying over a mother who would never love her. The next two were happier years, the small child slowly opening up to her new ‘parents’. But then her world was once more crushed when her new mom became pregnant with twins… leaving the young girl back in foster care when they decided they couldn’t handle her AND the new twins. The second home was harder- an older ’brother’ who pulled her hair, hit her with toys, called her ugly and laughed when she cried. For two years she put up with the teasing and taunting until one day she snapped, punching him in the nose and nearly breaking it despite being 8 to his 10. She was kicked out for the violence, a strike on her file.

  Yet another foster home, this one doomed to fail. By now she was angry and withdrawn, lashing out whenever someone got too close. She wore her anger like a cloak, letting it protect her. And while her new foster father was kind and understanding, her new ‘mother’ wasn’t. She’d scream and beat the girl if she got home from school late, starve her if she didn’t do her chores right. A c c u s e d her of sneaking boys in and drinking their alcohol to cover her own alcoholism. Haebyeol barely lasted a year before she lost it, trashing the house as she screamed profanities at the woman. Of course no one ever believed the foster child when she told them what was going on, not without proof or evidence.  

  With another strike on her file, another foster house behind her, she was deemed too violent to place in another home. She was LUCKY, they said, that she wasn’t in juvie. 10 years old, in the system for 7, and she’d already burnt through 3 homes. Not that any of them were her fault, but no one cared. She was just a number, just another kid in the system on the road to ruin. She was put into a group home- seemingly to rot, if you were to ask her. Her constant bouncing had meant she had no friends, no connections. Drifting aimlessly in life with no goal in sight. It wasn’t until the group home that she finally found some stability in her life. She stayed in the same school, old enough by this point that no one even bothered to look at her, not to mention her record of violence. 

  And she made damn sure no one would ever want her again. The next 2 years was spent making trouble- but not enough trouble to land her ass in juvie. Anything to make her undesirable. Fist fights, explosive episodes- those landed her in anger management and therapy where she sullenly sat the entire time. It was her therapist who suggested an extracurricular and got her into the art program. Hae spent alot of time doodling on.. everything. Herself, the tables, scrap pieces of paper. The odd wall or two. The art program was a life saver- quite literally.

  Her side of the room slowly became a giant mural with the permission of the group adviser. It helped her open up enough to make some sort of non violent connection with her roommate and the other house mates. All whom she’d never really gotten along with. At least not until K Y U H A N arrived. To her, their bond was instant- though it’d taken her time to admit it, he’d made her feel at ease. She’d felt S A F E with him, the first time in quite a few years she could have used that word. He’d been over protective and that had been just fine with her, especially after the years of abuse at the hands of numerous foster families. They’d clicked, and Kyu became the first person she ever called family. She was just this tiny angry little girl, but he somehow always managed to make her feel better.

  High school was easier for her. She fit in easily as she came into her own- from slightly chubby little girl to beautiful teen. She was in all the art clubs, as well as the track team. She’d gone out for track on a dare and ended up loving it- the freedom of running as fast as possible was exhilarating. Between art clubs, track, and her classes, she found she didn’t have much time- or energy- to get into too much trouble. She left that to her ‘brother’, who enjoyed getting in as much trouble as possible. She kept her grades at a B average to stay on the track team, and her nose mostly clean so as not to risk being kicked out.

  That didn’t mean however that she didn’t get in ANY trouble. She often tagged along with Kyu- even when he didn’t want her to. He was there when she got drunk for the first time- scolded her when she threw up from too much drinking. She had her first cigarette with him- stole his in fact, trying to be as ‘cool’ as him. There was more than one time when she’d jump into a fight with him, proving she could hold her own beside him. And when he was arrested when she was 15, she was the one who bawled her eyes out into her pillow, missing the only person she saw as blood.

  The next year was HELL, with Kyu gone. Haeyeol slowly unraveled, finding herself in all sorts of trouble. Somehow she even got involved with one of the big gangs in the city. And not the one that spent their time pussy footing around pick pocketing. No, she got involved with Orthrus, the gang Kyu had been in for a year prior to his arrest. She knew some of the people in there through him, and while they laughed at her for wanting to join, they’d seen her get into enough trouble to know she’d eventually make a good asset. At first they simply humored her being there, but as the year passed, she proved herself invaluable. No one expected someone as small and soft looking as her would ever been in a gang, especially not given her age. Her record with running track meant she was FAST, and being fast meant she made a good little messenger for things they didn’t want to send via text or risk getting found.

  By time Kyu got out, she was officially a member of the gang, and boy was he PISSED. It was the first real time they fought, with him demanding she get out of the gang. But they were FAMILY now, and she wasn’t abandoning her family. Not to mention, getting out of a gang that large? Next to impossible. She knew too much. And so she stayed, along side her brother, continuing to play messenger girl. At school she kept up the good girl act, making good grades, keeping up with track and art club. But by time graduation rolled around, she’d begun to run drugs now and then for the gang- she was fast, and she had a legit reason to be carrying a book bag. Knowing how Kyu felt about drugs she kept that on the down low, not wanting him to know since she knew he’d flip his shit on her.

  Now at 21, she’s graduated, hair bleach blond, ears pierced, and has become a H.A.I. art student, continuing her passion of art. She’s worked her way up the ranks of Orthrus, becoming what she calls a ’baby enforcer’, working along side Sangmin often. She doesn’t break any necks, but she cracks some knee caps, breaks some bones, and threatens those who owe her family money. While Haebyeol may be small and cute, shes fierce, reckless, and just a little bit c r a z y.

PERSONALITY

( + ) loyal, artistic, skilled ( - ) reckless, crazy, violent