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purplebenjy · 5 years ago

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1997-Part Four

“Ma?”

“Yeah Benj?”

Benjy shifts his weight from one foot to the other as he watches his mom cut up vegetables for dinner. She looks beautiful in the light coming in the kitchen window, and when she smiles at her son, Benjy almost feels bad for not telling her all of the truth.

Almost.

“I’m gonna crash at Ollie’s tonight, is that okay?”

“Sure, Benj. Are his mom and dad okay with it?”

He shifts his weight again, his hands going into the pockets of his best jeans.

“Yeah they are. But uh, he’s got a dad and his dad has a boyfriend.”

Benjy has to stop himself from wincing as he waits for Suki’s response in the silence. She glances at him as she shoves all the vegetables into the pot.

“Oh. Well that’s fine as long as they’re both okay with you being there?”

He tries not to smile too big at her.

“Yeah. They are.”

“You need a ride?”

“Nah Ollie’s on his way.”

“Come give me a hug, Benj.”

He does, hugging her from the side. They’re the same height.

“I miss when it was just us, mama.” He says in Gujarati, referring to the year or so that Mack had moved out and before Curt, but meaning just his family.

His mom presses a kiss to the side of his head before answering him in Gujarati.

“I know, my Benj. I know.” She smiles sadly at him and tucks some of his loose hair behind his ear.

“Are you happy?” Benjy asks as Curt walks in the back door from work. Suki just keeps smiling at him, still kind of sad.

“I’m proud of you, Benjy. I love you a lot, baby boy.”

He squeezes her hand.

“Love you too, Mama.” He says in English, grabbing his duffel bag and his skateboard from where he left them in the doorway.

“Bye, Curt.”

He glances over his shoulder at his mom.

“I wish you were happy, Mama.” He says in Gujarati. “See you tomorrow.”

As he walks away he hears Curt speak.

“What’d he say? I hate it when you two do that.”

He’s so nervous when Ollie picks him up that he’s incapable of shutting up.

“...so my last oldest brother is about to get engaged or at least I ~think~ he is cause he is cause he was talking to one of my sisters about rings and if I have to sit through another fucking wedding I swear-“

“Benj.” Ollie’s voice has a smile in it as he pulls into his driveway.

“We don’t have to do this.”

Benjy groans and leans over the center console to kiss him as he parks.

“Oh but I want to. I just need to uh, relax. Do you have any wine?”

Benjy is flat on his back and Ollie is kissing down the side of his neck. They’ve been in this position tons of times before, but this time, they’re in the guest room of Ollie’s dad’s house and the only background noise is “Fade Into You.” Ollie tastes like the half bottle of white wine they’ve split and his hair glows in the light of the candles he’s lit.

“Ollie?”

“Yeah, baby?”

Benjy can’t help but smile stupidly at the term of endearment and the breathlessness in his voice.

“I uh...I want you to um...”

He trails off as Ollie starts kissing down his chest, undoing the buttons on his flannel along the way. He kisses Benjy’s skin as he revealing it.

“What do you want Benj?”

Benjy’s hand comes to rest on the side of Ollie’s face, cupping his cheek. He stares into his eyes and the bottom of his stomach drops out, arousal pooling where it had been. Any remaining traces of doubt float away when Ollie smiles at him.

“You. I want-I want to feel you.”

“Jesus.”

Ollie kisses him fiercely, moaning softly into the kiss.

“Benj are you sure? That’s-I thought since I’ve done it before you’d want uh, top...”

Benjy reaches up to kiss him again. “I trust you. I want-god, Ollie I want to feel you. Please?”

Benjy is shirtless now, and he paws at the fabric of Ollie’s shirt until he pulls it over his head. Skin on skin, Benjy sighs at the contact, his hips rising up to meet Ollie’s as he lets out the softest sound of need. They quickly remove their pants, and when Ollie’s hand ghosts up over Benjy’s erection, Benjy lets himself groan as loud as he wants to.

“You’re so pretty.” Ollie says against his lips, which only makes Benjy groan again.

“You like not having to be quiet, Benj?”

Benjy laughs, breathless, reaching up for another kiss “Shut up.”

“I cant. You’re too fucking cute.”

Benjy reaches up and sucks a hickey on Ollie’s neck. His hands wander down his back and push his boxers down, grabbing his ass and grinning when Ollie lets out a noise of his own. Their kisses get more intense, and Benjy laughs when he hears the sound of fabric ripping as Ollie grabs at his boxers.

“You-you want me?”

“So bad, Benjy. So bad. Hold on.” Ollie gets off of the bed and grabs lube and a condom.

“I’m gonna go slow. I wanna have you ready for me. I wanna have you so ready for me.”

Benjy groans, sitting up on his elbows to watch as Ollie squirts lube on his fingers.

“Spread your legs for me, pretty boy?”

Benjy whines. “You really think I’m pretty?”

Ollie presses a kiss to the bottom of Benjy’s thigh. “The prettiest.”

Without warning, one of Ollie’s fingers starts tracing around his asshole, and Benjy’s breath catches in his throat.

“Oh my god.”

“You like that?”

Benjy lets out a squeak, unable to speak at the moment , the anticipation and arousal clogging his throat. Carefully, Ollie’s pointer finger enters him, and Benjy doesn’t hold back the small scream that escapes him at the pleasure and pain of the sting.

“Holy fucking shit-!”

Ollie laughs breathlessly. “Oh my god, Benj.”

Benjy’s breathing is hard as he adjusts to the feeling of Ollie. It’s incredible, feeling him, having him inside of him, the closeness to someone else that Benjy couldn’t have even imagined with another person. Benjy isn’t sure how it could get better than this.

Then Ollie starts moving and it’s all Benjy can do to grip the bedsheets and stay on Earth.

“More-“ Benjy croaks, realizing that if one of Ollie’s fingers feels this good, having his cock inside of him would be insane.

Ollie laughs again, gently pressing another finger inside of him and picking up the pace. Benjy whines, moving slightly so he can watch as much as possible, his breathing getting even harder when his eyes shift to Ollie’s.

“So good-“ Benjy croaks, falling flat on his back as Ollie keeps stretching him out. Another scream escapes him as Ollie starts scissoring his fingers inside of him, and Benjy can’t take it anymore.

“Ollie, Ollie-please, please fuck me. Please baby, please-“

Ollie’s hand that isn’t inside of him holds onto his hip and he smiles at Benjy. He pulls his fingers out of him and uses both hands to pull Benjy to the edge of the bed, spreading his legs further. Ollie stands and puts the condom on, giving himself a few quick strokes that makes Benjy groan. Ollie’s finger teases around his hole as they lock eyes.

“You ready for me?”

“P-please.”

Slowly, carefully, Ollie pushes into him. Benjy inhales sharply as he does, his eyes closing as every color he knows flashes behind his closed eyes.

“Holy shit, Benj.”

“Ollie-“

He starts to move slowly, and the sting of the stretch burns but the pleasure is there too, and the more Ollie moves, the better it feels.

“Okay?” Ollie pants, bending forward to kiss him. All Benjy can do is nod and kiss him back.

“I’m gonna go faster-you feel so good, baby. So, so, good.”

“You too.” He manages around a whine. Ollie’s left hand grips his and his right curves around Benjy’s knee as he holds his legs apart. As Ollie picks up the pace, Benjy starts moving too, pushing himself onto Ollie and moaning when he starts hitting a spot deep inside of him. Everything inside of Benjy starts to shake, and then Ollie slams into the spot and everything bursts.

“Oh my god oh my god oh my god-“

He comes in hot bursts all over his own stomach and chest, sudden and forceful, almost taking him by surprise. Benjy’s vision whites out, on the highest high he’s ever known. When Benjy finally comes down, Ollie is next to him on the massive bed, and he uses the last little bit of his strength to hold onto him.

They lay there for who knows how long, Ollie’s hands playing lazily in his hair. Benjy takes in a deep breath and brings his hand up to trace the side of Ollie’s face.

“You’re wonderful, you know that?” Ollie kisses his palm before responding. “So are you.”

Benjy shakes his head.

“Nuh-uh. Not like this. Not like you.”

Ollie just smiles at him sleepily, slinging his arm across Benjy’s chest. He looks so happy, but now that the post orgasm haze has cleared, all Benjy can think of is how sad he’d looked at the beach yesterday.

And how even though Benjy made him look that happy now, he was always going to be making him look sad too.

“You’re so wonderful.” He says again, which makes Ollie open his eyes and look at him. Benjy wonders if he can hear the difference in his voice. “And I’m not being fair to you.”

“What do you mean?”

The way Ollie’s eyes dance lets Benjy know he already knows. But Benjy needs to say it.

“You deserve someone wonderful. Someone’s who...I’m not out, Ollie. I cant’t-I can’t really be your boyfriend if I’m not, can I?”

His sadness is back now. And it’s Benjy’s fault again but it’s somehow even worse than yesterday, because this time he’s done it on purpose.

“I don’t care about that, Benjy.”

Benjy takes Ollie’s hand and kisses his knuckles.

“But I do. I do a lot. I don’t-“ Benjy hates himself for the way his voice breaks.

“I can’t be everything you need.”

Ollie doesn’t say anything in response, he just wraps both of his arms around Benjy and holds him tight, his chin digging into Benjy’s shoulder. Benjy almost wants to cry, but instead he takes a deep breath, loving the feeling of his back pressed against Ollie’s chest.

“So you’re breaking up with me?”

Benjy shakes his head.

“No. But I’m telling you that you can break up with me. When you need to. When you...when you find someone.”

Ollie sighs against him, pressing a kiss to his shoulder.

“I don’t know if I can ever find someone who can replace you.”

But he does.

It’s two weeks after school starts back up. The summer finished like it started, but back to school felt like an invisible timer that neither of them were talking about. They sleep together whenever they can, and knowing that each time it happens could be their last makes each kiss all the more special.

Benjy knows it’s all over when Ollie’s car is in front of his house when he gets back from school. It’s quick and expected but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t make the corner of Benjy’s heart tear off.

“What’s his name?” Benjy says before he can stop himself, rubbing the back of his hand against his eyes to wipe a few stray tears.

“Benj...”

“No I know, I know. I wanted this for you. I’m-“

Ollie cuts him off to give him a deep, emotional kiss.

“I want you to be happy, Ollie. That’s all I want.”

Ollie puts his hand on his cheek.

“Ryan.”

Benjy sniffs once, nodding and pulling away from Ollie’s touch. “He better make you happy or I’ll kick his ass.”

Ollie laughs wetly. It’s Benjy’s turn to kiss Ollie, and, knowing for sure it’ll be their last one, he makes it count.

“Thank you. For this summer. For pulling a knife. For kissing me. For...” He trails off and smiles at him. “Yeah. Bye Ollie.”

He gets out of the car and takes a deep breath.

“Benjy.”

He turns around, rubbing his eye and still smiling.

“Yeah?”

“You’re gonna be enough for someone. When you’re ready to be.”

His smile grows and a little bit of the sadness in his chest lessens. His first boyfriend waves goodbye as he pulls away from the curb.

Benjy realizes for the first time just then, when his heart is breaking, that Ollie had held a big piece of it.

He mopes around for a few weeks, sullen and quiet. He paints and repaints scenes of famous couples breaking up, getting some relief watching Marilyn Monroe dump JFK, Romeo tell Juliet to fuck off and Kurt tell off Courtney.

He starts to feel a little better, and that’s when Curt decides to pounce.

“Where’s your little video game friend been?” He asks over dinner, when his mom is going back into the kitchen to get more potatoes. Benjy takes a big breath in, closing his eyes and counting to ten.

“I asked you a question, Benjy.”

“Why do you care, Curt?”

Suki comes in with her eyebrows in her bangs. She looks at her son as she sets the bowl on the table.

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” Curt says, stabbing a piece of broccoli “I just wanted to know why the kid Benjy’s all fruity for doesn’t come around anymore.”

And that’s what fucking does it.

“Why the FUCK do you care, huh?! You hoping I’m fruity so you can get in on it or something you old fuck?”

“Benjy!” Suki’s hand bangs on the table in anger, but Benjy ignores her, standing, his hands balling into fists as he stares down his step dad. Curt laughs.

“No, you little prick, I’m hoping you’re a queer so I can kick your miserable ass out of this house and so me and your mother can get on with our lives.”

Benjy throws his hands up in the air, sarcasm thick in his voice as he shouts back.

“Then you’ve got your fucking wish, sweetheart! I like boys!”

The silence that follows his shouting lets what he’s just said settle in his chest and fill with anxiety. He tears his eyes away from Curt’s ugly face and turns to his mom.

“I’m sorry mama.” He says in Gujarati. Suki just stares back at him, her face blank. “I wanted to tell you.”

“Will you fucking stop doing that!?” Curt shouts, but both of them ignore him. Suki stands and comes next to Benjy, her hands folded in front of her. Benjy sniffs, tears coming to his eyes. He’s not sure what’s going to happen. Being okay with Ollie essentially having two dads was one thing, but her own son? When Curt feels this strongly? Benjy can’t live here anymore. Not with him there. Not now.

“It’s him or me, Mama.” He says softly in Gujarati, his voice shaking with emotion.

“Get out.” Suki says softly, looking at Benjy. Curt laughs triumphantly and Benjy feels his insides shatter. That is until his mother smiles at him, beautifully, and takes his hand.

“Curt. Get out of my house.”

He stares at them, looking like an uncooked salmon.

“Excuse me?!”

“I’m done. I’m done letting you bully me and my children. This marriage was a mistake. Get the hell out.”

Benjy expects him to argue, to put up a fight, but Curt just slowly pushes his chair away from the table.

“You’re making a mistake.”

Suki laughs.

“I’ll see you in court.”

The front door slams and Benjy hears a car start as his mom pulls him in for a big hug. Both of them are crying now, and Benjy just keeps apologizing quietly against his Mom’s chest.

“Benjy.”

She holds him in front of him, speaking in Gujarati quickly and freely.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

He shrugs, swiping at his eyes.

“I was afraid. I don’t know. I just figured it out this summer. With Ollie.”

That makes his voice break and he hates it.

“Ollie’s your boyfriend?”

“He was.”

His mom clicks her tongue.

“Oh Benjy baby, baby, baby. I’m so sorry. For all of it. I’m sorry you thought you couldn’t tell me. I’m sorry about Curt.”

“I’m sorry about Curt. I shouldn’t have yelled.”

She laughs softly and kisses the side of his head.

“You didn’t say anything that wasn’t the truth.”

Benjy laughs wetly, and hugs his mom back. He puts his chin on her shoulder and sighs.

“Mama.”

“Hmm?”

“Despite everything, I’m glad it’s just us again.”

She smiles, pulling away from him and holding his biceps. Benjy feels like she’s really seeing him for the first time.

“Me too, Benj. It makes me really happy.”

Benjy gives her a tired smile in return to hers.

“Me too, mama. Me too.”

#drabble #there it be #the end

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