#there is no emotional significance of that random mug

[halfdeadwallfly]

i'm so combustible today

[wintrcaptn]

Wish I Loved You In The Nineties | Ch. 2

Joel Miller x Reader

Summary : right person, wrong time. But maybe you can change Joel’s mind.

A/N: It’s a slow burn with angst. Sorry. But I promise when it gets spicy…it’ll be worth it!! Lol I hope you guys enjoy! Would appreciate any feedback!

3.1k words

Chapter 1

Warning : age gap (reader is of age!), cursing, angst,

The next morning had been quiet for the most part. Joel made coffee per usual, and left the mug next to my sleeping bag for me to wake up to.

Even when he was pissed off, he always made sure I woke up in a good mood.

After last night, I definitely needed some coffee. I tossed and turned all night, not able to shut my thoughts off from the kiss.

It wasn’t making any sense. Joel was the one person who knew how to get under my skin. Even though I trust him completely, I never saw him in that way. Or at least I didn’t think I did.

But if that was true…how would that kiss hold so much power over me?

I must’ve had these feelings for him without realizing, right?

I sat in the truck, sipping on my coffee, with my feet up on the dashboard trying to think back at all the significant times I had with Joel.

There must have been a moment when things changed. But when?

———

(Flash back 3 months prior)

“Do you ever smile?” I asked, sitting across from him as I ate, book in my lap. Tonight I was reading Pride and Prejudice for the hundredth time.

Joel leaned against a tree stump, his arms crossed over his chest, eyes closed. “No.” He groaned.

“Allergic to all things happy?” I teased.

His eyes shot open and glared at me. Eye brows furrowing, showing disdain in his features.

“Can I ask you something serious?” I asked.

Joel didn’t budge. He definitely didn’t stop glaring at me to show how uninterested he was in anything I had to say.

“Why did the scarecrow win an award?”

He let out a sigh and closed his eyes once again. Relaxing against the tree. “Because he was outstanding in his field.”

My eyes widened and I couldn’t help but chuckle. “You do have a sense of humor!” You exclaimed.

“Shut up.” He groaned.

Just as you were gonna look away, you noticed the small smile forming on his lips. For some reason, it made you feel good to know that deep down he did like you. Maybe not like you in a sense that he’ll be your best friend, but he likes your company enough to keep you around. And for now, that was enough.

————

(Now)

I looked at him from the corner of my eyes, feeling a bit awkward from the silence but also content having him there with me.

Joel focused his attention on the road. He had one hand on the steering wheel while the other held his travel mug. He’d take sips from time to time but not once did her ever look back at me.

It was hard to read him. And it was killing me. I just needed to know he didn’t hate me or regret the kiss because I sure as hell didn’t. I wanted more. I wanted him.

And that’s when it hit me…there wasn’t really a significant moment that made me want him…

It was the little things he did. The way he made me feel safe. The way he made me laugh with his sarcasm, which I knew he was just using to keep me at a distance.

For all the little moments spent together, the pot of coffee he made for us every morning, the reassurance of making sure I was okay. The little random books he’d bring back if he went out on his own or any extra pens he’d find.

He may have been harsh most times. May mask his emotions with anger and annoyance, but as I sat here I realized Joel had shown me he was someone I could trust in the ways he took care of me. Protected me.

“Did you hear me?” His voice caught my attention, forcing me out of my thoughts.

“Sorry what?” I cleared my throat.

“I need the map.” He muttered. “Never mind”

He pulled off to the side of the road and leaned over me to retrieve the map from the glove box. His scent grew stronger as he got closer, making my stomach flutter. And my legs clench together.

“Tryna see how much longer we got til we hit Wyoming.” He mumbled. “Still got eight more hours.”

He folded the map on his lap, and glanced outside for a moment. His silence made me nervous. Sure, joel wasn’t talkative to begin with but this was different. And it was eating me alive.

“Joel—“

“Suns goin down, maybe we should set up camp somewhere close. Then leave in the mornin.” He cut me off.

In that moment, Joel put the truck in drive and drove deeper into the woods, away from the road.

My heart was pounding profusely sitting there in such close proximity. I had wanted things to go back to how it was before but there was too much tension. It was hard to even breathe.

“Joel…we should talk.”

“Ain’t nothing to talk about.” He said, not once looking at me.

“So I’m just suppose to pretend that kiss never happened?”

He shrugged. “Already forgotten.”

Suddenly, my heart shattered from just those two words that hung in the air making it unbearable to breathe. My chest tightened and tears began to well in my eyes.

“I wish I never met you.” I whispered, turning my gaze out to the passenger window, letting the tears roll down my cheeks.

————

(Joel’s POV)

“I wish I never met you.” Her words were soft spoken but her voice quivered.

I knew that I had hurt her. Hell, I felt the same pain the moment I said it.

But I know I need to distance myself. I have to. Ever since I met her, I knew she was someone special.

She took her free time to read. She held on to hope and the idea of love so much that she never let this world get to her. Not even when those fucking assholes tried to take advantage of her and could have possibly killed her. If I didn’t—

She was gentle, and caring, and deserves more than anything I could ever give her.

Not only was I twice her age, my hands weren’t clean. I’ve killed people. A lot of them. Some who were probably just as innocent as her and—

I swallowed hard, and tightened my grip around the steering wheel, forcing myself to shake the thoughts.

Even if I were to change, I’ll forever be haunted by these memories.

Pulling up to a clearing. I parked the truck and quickly climbed out, letting the fresh cool air hit against my face. I finally let out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding.

“I’ll keep watch tonight.” Her voice said, pulling me back to reality.

“Nah, that’s alright. You get some sleep—“

“I did last night.” She cut me off. “Now it’s your turn.”

“Look, I got helluva shot compared to ya. If someone were to sneak up on us, I have a better chance at protecting us over you.”

“And if you don’t ever sleep, we are as good as dead.”

She had a point. It’s been a few days since I really slept, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t tired. But the thought of her awake all alone in these woods, while I was passed out…it didn’t sit right with me.

“No. I’ll be fine.” I stated.

Her face scrunched into a disgusted look and she rolled her eyes. “You’re so damn stubborn.”

“And you’re not?”

She grabbed her book from her bag and her sleeping bag and set it up in the back of the truck bed.

“Guess we will both keep watch tonight. I’ve had enough coffee to get me through the night.” She said, climbing up onto the truck. “Not like I can sleep anyways.”

“Do you ever listen? I said I will keep watch.”

“And I said no.”

We stared at one another, not once breaking contact for what seemed like an eternity. She had furrowed brows and her jaw clenched tightly. Almost a mirror of what I look like 24hours a day.

This wasn’t like her, and it definitely wasn’t something I was used to.

Sure she was someone who did what she wanted most of the time, but when I told her to do something like sleep, she’d do it without any fuss. And now she wants to fight back?

“Fine. Just don’t bother me. You stay there, and read your little book.” I walked over to the other side away from her but still in view. “And I’ll stay here. Got it?”

She only nodded and slumped down into her sleeping bag as she opened her book.

I sat up against a tree, my rifle right beside me as I watched around, making sure no one shows up.

A small lamp sat by her, illuminating her face just enough for me to see. Her gaze stayed glued on her book as she absentmindedly nibbled on her bottom lip. Something she did quite often.

Since the day I lost Sarah, I had no issues pushing people away. Hell, I even pushed Tommy away at some point.

I didn’t care to let anyone in cuz I didn’t want to feel anything but the anger I had since she died.

Then she came in to my life and suddenly, it took every ounce of energy to push her away. To keep my walls up. It was exhausting.

As I sat there, watching her carefully…studying her features like I were never to see her again.

It was hard to deny at times like these when the world was quiet and it was just us two under the same moon, the same stars…it was hard to deny how I felt about her.

No matter how hard I fought myself over it…or how many times I denied it…I couldn’t escape the truth.

She was in everything and all things in between. She took up every space in my head, every time I closed my eyes, I saw her.

“I can feel your eyes on me.”

———

(Your pov)

I sat here, snuggled in my sleeping bag, trying hard to focus on my book in my lap. But it was useless. All I could think about was Joel.

Think about the way his lips felt against mine. The way his hands pulled me in closer against him. How much I wish I could go back to that moment in time.

My body grew hot from just the thoughts of him. It felt like I was being watched, at first I expected it to be all in my head but then I glanced up over at Joel across from me and noticed his stare.

“I can feel your eyes on me.” I said, shutting my book. “What’s your problem?”

Joel furrowed his brows and sighed. “Nothin, just read your damn book.”

“No.” I said feeling anger wash over me.

I know I wasn’t one to confront someone when I was upset, I usually shut down and hold things in but right now…I just couldn’t.

I got up and climbed off of the truck, making my way over to him. He propped up to his feet, obviously annoyed that I wouldn’t drop it.

But I didn’t care. I stood in front of him, my head tilting up too meet his gaze.

“Did you really forget about our kiss?” I asked, feeling a lump form in my throat.

“I ain’t doin this with you. Just leave it alone.”

“I can’t! Joel, I can’t.”

He pinched the bridge of his nose and turned away from me. He mumbled something under his breath before turning back around to face me.

“I told you it was a bad idea. I told you not to mix your weird fantasies with me.” He said, voice mixed with anger and exhaustion. “I kissed you cuz you wouldn’t shut up bout it.”

Tears began to well and without a warning, they stained my cheeks.

“Why are you such an asshole?!”

“Why you such a brat?” He yelled back. “You never know when to stop. When to shut up. You just push and push and push. You’re nothing but a pain in my ass!”

I stopped for a moment, taking in his words. My eye brow twitched up and I couldn’t believe this was how he felt. After all this time, I thought he was slowly opening up to me but I was wrong. He really did hate me.

“Well, you don’t ever have to worry about me annoying you any longer.” I said, as I turned on my heels to pack my things.

I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like he had just knocked all the wind out of me. But I didn’t want him to see me weak. I didn’t want him to see that he truly hurt me.

“What’s that suppose to mean?” He asked following behind.

“I’ll grab my things and be out of your hair in no time.” I said.

“Where you gonna go? We are in the middle of nowhere.”

I just ignored him as I continued shoving my sleeping bag into the bag and my book back into the bag.

“Look, it’s late. Let’s just sleep it off and come dawn you can leave.” Joel muttered, shoving his hands deep into his front pockets.

“Why wait?” I threw my bags over my shoulders and slammed the truck door shut before turning to face him one last time. “Thanks for saving me that day. Sorry for sticking around, I just didn’t want to be alone.”

With that, I start toward the dark trees behind him. My heart pounded so fast, I could hear it in my ears but no matter how scared I was, I knew I couldn’t stay anymore. The more I looked at him the more I wanted him but he didn’t want me.

“Don’t be stupid! Get back here!” His voice was loud, and demanding. But that didn’t stop me from walking away.

“You don’t know what’s out there.”

“Guess I’ll find out.” I said.

————

(Joel’s POV)

As the tension met its breaking point, I could feel myself grow frustrated by the second. She refused to listen like always, the sound of her steps grew fainter with each one feeling like a blow to my chest.

I balled my hands into fists, my knuckles turning white. “I ain’t gonna tell ya again.” My voice grew louder.

My feet had a mind of its own, stomping towards her. I didn’t care how stupid I looked right now. Fighting with the girl who I pushed away.

It didn’t take me long to reach her, but I didn’t hesitate to stop her. I grabbed her wrist and forced her to fall back into me.

“Let me go!” She demanded. But. I didn’t say a word. Instead I just stared at her with anger fueling me.

My jaw hurt from clenching is so tight, my nose flared as I scrunched my brows together. I was pissed. Beyond pissed. But I had no right and I knew I didn’t.

How did I even get here? When did I let things get this far? She was nothing to me just a little over a year ago. She has been nothing but a god damn nuisance since she came around and now I’m standing here wishing I could kiss her again. To pull her into me so close that I could feel her heart beat against me.

“Joel, you’re hurting me. Let, me go!”

I let go of her wrist, and grabbed her chin. Making her look up at me, fighting myself from kissing her. “Then fuckin listen to me.”

“Why should I?! You’ve been telling me to leave for months and now that I’m actually trying to leave, you won’t let me!” Her voice shook.

I finally released my grip I had on her. “It’s late, we are close to Wyoming. Tomorrow we will drive straight there and then we will go our separate ways.” I said. “You ain’t leavin here alone. I’m not gonna let something happen to you just because you dont know how to listen.”

“But—“

“Don’t cut me off.” My eyes were locked on to hers. The most I looked at her the more I realized just how screwed I was. She was seeping in between the crevices, she was getting to me. “Get your ass back to the camp site. Read your damn book and you do what I say when I say it…got it?”

I could see her take in every word before she nods in agreement.

“Repeat it.”

Before she opened her mouth, she quickly licked her lips. God, what I would do to taste those lips again. To feel them against mine, or wrapped around my—

“Do what you say.”

“Atta, girl.”

————

(Your POV)

My heart was pounding profusely, and so many different emotions washed over me.

I hated when Joel tried to control me. Hated when he talked down to me. But at the same time…I couldn’t help but yearn for more of it.

I’d be lying to myself if I said I didn’t think it was hot, but I had to try and shake the thoughts out of my head.

“Just so we’re clear, I’m only staying cuz I’m too tired to fight off clickers alone.” I lied. If I were being honest with myself, I really didn’t want to leave Joel in the first place. Being with him felt so right.

“Sure.” Was his only response.

He made me sit in the truck and he locked us in together.

The windows fogged from our breaths and the cold air from outside.

The silence was loud between us and I hated it. Maybe he was right. If I would’ve just listened and not beg him to kiss me…there wouldn’t be so much tension.

But of course, I don’t know when to shut up and stop.

“Here take this.” Joel said, snapping me out of my thoughts.

He wiggled himself out of his jacket and placed it over me. “Maybe now you’ll stop shaking like a damn chihuahua.”

I looked down at his jacket over my body and a small smile formed on my lips. Pulling my legs up to curl into a ball, the scent lingering off of his jacket filled my nose…it made my stomach flutter.

If he really didn’t care about me like he says, he wouldn’t go out of his way to make sure I was taken care of…right?

“Thank you.” I whispered just barely loud enough for him to hear.

———

Tagging ;

@evyiione @joeldjarin @titabel

[bad-as-me]

Godfrey for the character meme

favorite thing about them

He's super interesting, both in his own right and as this looming presence over both us as the Tarnished and all his descendants. I love love love the dichotomy between "Godfrey", the pillar of grace and nobility that so many people aspire to emulate, against the reveal of his "true" nature as a nearly-feral man of the wilderness.

And it's that enforcement of extremely restrictive values that leaves such a mark on the narrative! Godrick, Radahn, and Morgott all try so hard to live up to the shadow he cast behind, but not even the man himself was really like that (at least, not when he wasn't muzzled by the Golden Order).

His fight and his music are some of my favorite parts of the base game. And also I just adore Serosh.

least favorite thing about them

Can I be a little meta about it and say his place in the timeline? While I think SotE was trying to confirm that Horah Loux was once a prominent figure in the realm of shadow, it gets frustratingly vague about what his place was in that society. The dancing lion does a lot of moves that echo him, there's the highlander attire, the strong implication that Serosh's status as a Beast Regent came from the Tower. But it's all a bunch of little easter eggs that don't really go anywhere.

It doesn't seem like he was a hornsent, but so many things in Belurat and the Black Keep imply a strong connection to him. So where did he stand with hornsent culture? Was it significant enough that leaving it behind with Marika was considered a great betrayal? If so, why was he so special to them?

I just have so many questions about his life now that they are being hinted at, but for the life of me I just can't put together what they are trying to do with this.

favorite line

I'm not sure if it counts as a line, but every time his cutscene begins and we have to watch him staring stoically at Morgott's dead body, while the inhibitor of his emotions is clawing into him and screaming to the sky I'm like, verklempt. Everything about the unspoken details in that cutscene is just so raw.

brOTP

I loooove the idea that he had a strong camaraderie with his Crucible Knights.

OTP

Godfrey and Marika but not in a "I think theyre cute and should get back together" way. I just want to know more about what that relationship was like. The Golden Lineage is such a deeply broken family all the way down, and I would kill to know how they were before the divorce. I need to study them.

nOTP

None come to mind that I really see anywhere? As far as I'm aware, he's just known as a wifeguy to Marika (and possibly shipped with Radagon which is, well, still Marika at the end of the day)

random headcanon

Deeply unserious, but the funniest running bit I have with my sister is joking that Godfrey has the attitude of an American trucker who is obsessed with MUG root beer.

Mohg got his name off of Godfreys favorite thing in the world, but he'll never know because they misspelled it. Sad!

Relatedly, watching his phase 2 transition while this is playing in a Discord call is a transcendental experience:

unpopular opinion

I think a lot of people are jumping the gun a little too hard on being sure that Godfrey was a good dad - especially to the Omen twins. Not saying he was deliberately cruel (I think that's over-correcting tbh), but the Serosh in the room tells me that the man never had a chance at an emotional connection to his children, even if he wanted to have one.

He reads strongly as having been neglectful if anything. And it's ironic, because his priorities to keep appearances for his duty as Elden Lord - the noble veneer that several of his kids would end up idolizing - stunted his ability to get attached to them at all.

song i associate with them

Well MUG anthem nonwithstanding-

I'm gonna go with Peacemaker by Jesca Hoop!

favorite picture of them

this series by higgsbison is one of my top ten elden ring posts tbh

[greypetrel]

*crashes inside as if I was Grond but instead of bringing death and destruction I serve tiramisù in cute mugs*

👀 for the emoji meme, I'm deffo picking Radha and Garrett because I always give them microscopic crumbles of love and this needs to change. So, for the both of them:

💥 COLLISON - what emotions do they have trouble dealing with?

🔪 KNIFE - how do they react to injury / misfortune befalling their loved ones (significant other, family, friends)? do they put themselves at blame?

📎 PAPERCLIP - a random fact.

Bonus for The Holy Raccoon Trinity:

💙 BLUE HEART - do they miss their s/o easily? how do they act when their s/o isn't around?

*orders the soldiers to OPEN THE DAMN DOORS, and take a spoon for the tiramisù*

Tis the prompt list!

💥 COLLISON - what emotions do they have trouble dealing with?

Garrett: Inadequacy. The feeling of not being enough. Good enough, powerful enough, talented enough, despite his best effort. Seeing efforts thrown into a gutter because it was simply not enough? That's something he really struggles to accept.

Radha: Helplessness. The feeling that there's nothing to be done about a situation. Oh no she will stand up and fight instead of just sitting there and doing nothing and accept something negative. There's something she can learn to fix it, she's sure, some solution to be found.

🔪 KNIFE - how do they react to injury / misfortune befalling their loved ones (significant other, family, friends)? do they put themselves at blame?

Garrett: He's calm with injuries, but that's because he's a Healer. He will know when one is fatal or not, and act accordingly. Will try to help, fix the problem how he can. On the blame: he does feel guilty, but the blame? He won't actually take the blame for other people's action, even if he had a part in it. His biggest regret is Anders: he does feel guilty because he thinks he could have done more, listened to him more, talked him out... Blaming himself? it wasn't him who made the Chantry explode, ultimately.

Radha: She has no magic, and just a bland knowledge of herbs she picked up from her mother. She could use elfroot to some extent, she'll go around and ask for help and assist how she can. Or lure in the room to check that the doctor is a good one and won't do anything funny. Glaring at him. She does take the blame on some occasions. Aisling travelling south? She's deeply convinced it's her fault for not insisting more. She won't let it destroy her, but could go out of her way to fix it and find a solution and clean her own mess. Travelling south too anyway to kidnap her sister back, namely.

📎 PAPERCLIP - a random fact.

Garrett: He proposed to call the mabari "He's-a-Cat" for funsies. Still thinks it's a genius name for a dog.

Radha: She left a dead rat in Celene's own bed at the Winter Palace. Right below her pillow, before heading back to Skyhold.

💙 BLUE HEART - do they miss their s/o easily? how do they act when their s/o isn't around?

Raina Elizabeth Hawke, first of her name, Khaleesi of the Great Landfill Sea, Queen of the Knitters, Raccoons and Trashcans, Breaker of Balls, Mother of Critters: If the absence is long yes, a lot. Won't act on it because she realizes that she can't ask a person to just stay with her 24/7, and she knew what she was going to with Isabela. She'll power through it and pour the excess frustration into knitting, finding herself something to do, organise a huge party. find some shenanigan in town to solve, fight a Qunari invasion, jump on a crazy mission to save the Wardens...

Oh look I wrote a ficlet ages ago.

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

Quick and fast difference between an impulsive thought and an intrusive thought, featuring my own brain:

(Disclaimer: this is based on my own experience and may not be fully reflective of others’ experiences with impulsive or intrusive thoughts)

Impulsive thought: “hey what if you dropped your glass mug of cocoa on the ground. Right now. What if you did that and had to clean it up. That would suck. But you could do it. Right now. Break it. Less than a 2 foot drop on tile, right? It’d be cool”

- Can often be rationalized through (I’m not gonna drop my cup because I have it safely placed on the table), often reducing anxiety and distress.

- Is not deeply or irrationally distressing (I would be upset if I dropped my cup, but the thought of breaking it is more interesting than distressing).

- Cycles on loop for a while, often without clear reason.

- Does not require compulsive reassurance to soothe temporarily (I do not need emotional support at the thought of dropping my cup).

Intrusive thought: “you know that one person you didn’t try to evangelize? Yeah they’re going to Hell and it’s All Your Fault, and because of that, You Personally are doomed to Hell. Yeah there’s no saving you. Your priest explicitly told you that’s not true? And your friends corroborated? Oh, too bad, they just don’t Know.”

- Is inherently irrational and cannot be stopped by rational thought alone (logically I know that I haven’t doomed other people or myself to Hell. The thought persists and is distressing anyway).

- Is inherently distressing to a disproportionate or irrational degree (I experience significant intense distress at the thought, and the distress might be triggered by the mention of the concept, even if that mention is stating that I am not doomed to Hell).

- There is a compulsion to soothe the thought or seek support, but the relief doesn’t last, and the thought recurs intensely again later on (even directly after going to Confession, the thoughts persist, regardless of whether I’ve committed mortal or venial sins, and I am very afraid of it. I might seek reassurance that I’m not going to Hell, which helps temporarily, but does not make the thought stop).

- Cycles on loop for a while, which is worsened because of the distress forcing you to focus on the thought.

Both impulsive and intrusive thoughts can either be triggered by a cue or be random. Neither are reflective of who you are or what you actually believe, and they both show up and leave without warning.

No matter what impulsive or intrusive thoughts you get, they don’t make you a bad person. Clearly you are not thinking these things because you want to act on them. It matters what you do with these thoughts, not the thoughts themselves. Attempting to control or suppress these thoughts will not make them go away. Often, trying to get rid of them will make them worse.

Personally, when I get these thoughts, I pray about it for a bit, and tell God “plz help me let go of this thought, and to trust You that I’m okay”. And then I take a break and do smth that takes my full attention, like painting or reading a book, until I calm down.

[b0nemilk]

There is Something comfortably melancholy about waking up at 2 am in a cramped car in a Walmart parking lot because you can’t sleep. So you stay up watching the random people in the early morning walk around , commute to work , simply drifting and existing . When the overwhelming amount of sentience pushes you on a bench in the back of your brain forcing you to think , think , think about everything. It’s made me realize I don’t even know my thoughts anymore. I live so in the moment trashing any long lingering thoughts. I’ve turned my emotional processing off. I haven’t thought about how I’m In a whole new place, I haven’t really thought about how I’m working with people I won’t see again knowing everyone is a stranger here including the trees , the buildings , the signs , the cracks on the ground. I think about the people I hold dear to me and they can leave in a second . I think about how I’ve lost my mind haha . I tell a lcd therapist with tons of anonymous doctors that at I turned it all off because how does one process living ? Knowing there existence is so tiny and everyone else around you is so tiny , but yet seemingly so large . What is the best advice for knowing your whole world and time can be lost in a second Or every second slowly . What makes my life significant. I don’t feel like I am a bad person , I love hard and I’m understanding with everyone I treat people like I’ve known them forever. But why do bad things happen to me? “It’s life” a abandoned coffee mug tells me in a thrift store for 50 cents . All I’m begging for is a break let this be the one who stays , let my friends stay alive , let me not disappoint my family . My grandpa is dying . I can say it doesn’t bother me . I can say I’ve blocked off any emotional attachment after I saw him the last time years ago and I took advantage of his dementia by stealing his cigarettes in a teenage rebellion . Am I sad about this? Yes . He was a the only positive male figure in my life . He was everything to my mom . I’m jealous of my distant family . They get so much more time with everyone else but my mom had to move to America. I don’t even talk to my family other then my mom and brother . 444 . I wish I could see my cousins party and grow . I wish my aunts and uncles knew my gossip. My family is huge but I feel small? And not really apart of it . I hate my body I hate the way I look . I feel so ugly and awkward all the time. I’m insecure but loved connected and unconnected and a mess in a structure. I can’t help but to fear the inevitability of everyone leaving me . A message to my dad but I doubt he will ever be able to grasp the emotional weight of a “just hang in there “ poster hanging in a psych room med station Of a father he has been . I pinch myself leaving pricks of blood watching the clock every minute pass leading me closer to a catastrophe. Manic depression? What is it ? Emotional discharge is all it is . I’m ok ! I’m fine ! I smile I joke I work! I have a stable relationship with my friend , family and boyfriend ! Have I fooled myself? Have I pulled off the most incredible heist of my own perception! Evil laughing in my own head you fool! You fool. YOU FOOL!!!! It’s 5 am now I’m on my 180 th minute of watching the world slowly move around me . Nate’s made noises in his sleep. Which. Means around 7-8 am he will wake up and tell me about his dream. Escapism . Is the only thing we cling to . So much so people are now just living in vr. Nobody wants to live in this world anymore . We rather create our own candy flavored ignorance and inflate the massive tits of our own self hatred . We love you though. We love you! We love hard long and boy is it give us meaning ! I love you , I love you I I love you so much . Loving you makes me feel better. Spread the love man . Or was this another rose colored shades to hide the fact we are dirty fucking animals drooling over sin . I love you but I love you when I can . Because mommy’s very busy she has to work and your dad is slurring and slutting his was up the street . I love you untill your fat

[walkingstackofbooks]

DS9 3x18 Distant Voices thoughts (I'm re-watching, so there may be are future spoilers)

I remember feeling disappointed by this episode the first time I watched it, but I think that was probably because the aging took me by surprise and speed-aging make-up always brings me a little out of immersion - let's see what it's like going in aware!

Garak! :3 always a little treat

Julian is not good at social niceties, is he 😘 (Honestly slightly jealous, the amount of times I've pretended to be delighted by a mug when I don't drink hot drinks because the design has been thoughtfully chosen is definitely not zero)

"This year is a little different." He says it so ominously XD

30 also marks the point where he's known he's an augment for exactly half his life... I don't think that's a major reason, but maybe even a subconscious factor for his unease about his birthday.

"...it becomes harder and harder to ignore the passage of time." Actually I think this is more significant than just a worry about aging? I dunno, this whole conversation feels like there's something more that he's not saying, he seems super emotional about all this. I revise my earlier statement - this is all about him finding it more difficult to ignore his fear that he can't keep his Secret for much longer, and being so aware that he needs to do as much as he can as quickly as he can before his life is over when it all comes out.

"If I choose to be grumpy about it, that's my prerogative." "By all means, Doctor, be as grumpy as you like." "Thank you for the support." I love these two :)

"Excuse me, Doctor." "What?!" Wow, he is on edge...

Garak is fascinated by this exchange. Look at him!

"Don't take it personally, he's turning thirty." XD JUlian does look chastened by this though, he knows he's acting unreasonably

"Who's there? Show yourself!" Okay, yelling at a presumably violent entity with no backup and no weapon is pretty damn brave. And I do love it when he gets angry

This makes so much more sense knowing it's a dream, with the way the crew are acting so differently

Julian taking charge when he finds the others in the Wardroom is just <3 He's so calm and collected <3

"I'm...in a coma." He says that in the same way he tells his patients bad news about their illness

"I am not some figment of your imagination!" ... You kind of are, I'm afraid, Kira 😅

"If I were to guess, Chief, I would say that you represent my doubt and my disbelief." "No I don't." XD But the gentleness with which he then says "I knew you were going to say that" though! <3 <3

I love how he automatically just keeps on playing tennis when he's dropped into it

"Major..." He knows it's not real but his sadness is though. Does he usually call her Major or Kira?

Okay Odo dying is the creepiest thing

Julian's last glance back at Kira, ohh

"I like the real Chief better than you." XD

I love how mind!Garak is always there for Julian.

"You're going to help me." Garak laughs. Okay I take it back? mind!Garak isn't nice.

"But other than that, I feel wonderful." Oh I LOVE him so, so much.

All of Garak's expressions are excellent.

🎵 "Happy birthday, dear Julian." <3 Was about to go !!! First time Garak calls him Julian???? because I keep forgetting it's not the real Garak 😅

Is the woman throwing the party supposed to be anyone? [Answer: no, she's a random Dabo girl]

"My, hur, tennis balls.."

"That doesn't sound like the Garak I know." "We've been through this, Doctor. I'm not Garak. I'm you." "Well it doesn't sound like me either." YES JULIAN

"Now it's time to make things easy on yourself." "Oh, you mean, just give up? I don't think so." YOU TELL HIM, JULIAN

"You didn't want to be first in your class. You couldn't take the pressure." I love how this can be interpreted as "You couldn't take the pressure of taking first place because of your augmentations" or "you couldn't take the pressure that being first might increase the likelihood of you being found out".

"Then let's talk about Lieutenant Dax. You like her, don't you?" "She's my friend." He's so protective <3

"Orrrr what, hmm?" Idk, this little bit is such a good act of an old man.

" I do have feelings for her, but the important thing is she's my friend. You know? Friend? And I wouldn't exchange that friendship for anything." I love that they've been allowed to mellow out into an excellent friendship (I'm already not looking forward to s6 again... 😅)

"This is where I belong." the little quaver in his voice on belong, DS9 means so much to him <3

It's so weird seeing him young again! He looks too young!

I thought their lunch dates were every week, but this is only two days later :3

"Their telepathic attacks are almost always fatal. I guess I was lucky." "Cardassians don't believe in luck, Doctor. You survived because you're strong." OR he survived because he has more control over his mind etc. than an unenhanced human....

"And what I find interesting is how your mind ended up casting me in the role of the villain." "Awww, I wouldn't read too much into that, Garak." He's SO soft :3

That last touch though! Julian's expectant/confused/worried pausing face before Garak speaks again.

Okay this was an excellent episode, and I spent far too long writing it up afterwards because there are so many interesting scenes to re-watch or dive into!

[kaitycole]

the countdown

Summary: There’s a countdown on your wrist, but what happens when it randomly resets?

Pairing: Daichi x Reader, Hinata x Yachi (side pair)

Warning: Fluff, I guess?

Word Count: 3578

Prompt: Soulmate AU: There is a clock countdown on your wrist to when you meet your soulmate

A/N: Part of the @celestialarchiveshq​ soulmate collab

Y/N

It has always annoyed you, the ticking clock on the underside of your wrist, to the point that you started wearing things to cover it. Over the years, you watched people close to you obsess over the clock, a few of your college friends had dropped out because the constant partying and searching to meet their soulmate seemed to overshadow their grades.

When you were younger the idea of the clock reaching 0:00 excited you, meeting the person who was supposed to know you best, who wouldn’t want that? But as you matured, you started to believe that soulmates don’t always mean forever, they don’t always mean romantic partners, so how could you stay excited over something that could lead to a huge disappointment? Not to mention the depressing thought of what if your soulmate was the romantic type and they weren’t attracted to you. That could happen, right?

What if they preferred long hair but you had just cut it? Or the opposite? What if you had just colored your hair a color that reminded them of an ex? That thought would put you in a tailspin. What if they had exes? Even with the soulmate system, people still found themselves attracted to other people. It made you think of that trashy MTV show where everyone has a perfect match, but there’s always one couple that finds out they aren’t matches, but they refuse to move on. What if your soulmate had someone like that?

You drop your head down onto your desk, the loud bang catches your coworker’s attention as she walks back towards you with two mugs of coffee. Not that she needs it, just like her soulmate, she’s like an endless ball of energy.

“Still upset about last weekend?”

You slowly lift your head, rubbing your forehead knowing you’ll have some embarrassing red mark. Yachi Hitoka has to be one of the sweetest people you’ve ever met, she’s always there for anyone who needs it, helps out whenever she can, and at first you were worried when you met her. You instantly became protective of her, not wanting anyone to take advantage of her kindness, but then you saw her lay down the law when it came to someone missing a deadline for one of the ad campaigns and all you could do was smile proudly.

“I just can’t believe I was this close,” you hold up your hand, using your index finger and thumb to show a small amount, “to meeting them and they just disappeared.”

*                      * Over the weekend, Yachi’s soulmate Hinata Shoyo came in from Osaka to visit and the three of you ended up attending the Bunkyo Plum Blossom Festival. Despite being the third wheel, you couldn’t help but find yourself smiling, watching just how well they not only complimented their similarities but their differences as well.

You glanced down at your wrist, for no particular reason and felt the wind get knocked out from your lungs. Yachi turned to ask if you had heard her before she stopped walking, backing up to be at your side.

“Y/N, what’s wrong?”

You couldn’t find the words, your mind completely blanked as you held up your wrist, showing her just how low the clock had gotten.

00:01:13

00:01:12

00:01:11

“Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!” Yachi started to jump up and down, causing a small scene on the tightly packed sidewalk. Hinata tilted his head, waiting to be filled in as the two of you walked back towards him.

“Kinda romantic, Y/N. Meeting your soulmate at a festival.” Yachi now had her arm looped with yours, scanning the sidewalks.

“It’s never been this low before.” You said casually, but a knot started to form in your stomach. It felt as if every emotion you could imagine started to wash over you, grabbing ahold of you and making you realize just how real the situation could be.

What if they didn’t like you? What if it was a best friend type of soulmate? What if they simply brushed you off, telling you that they were going to be with someone that wasn’t their soulmate?

What if…?

What if…?

What if…?

Yachi hand slightly squeezed your arm, pulling you from the anxiety that had seemed into your chest, tightening with each breath. “Look at your wrist.”

00:00:20

You started to look around, wondering briefly if your soulmate had been looking around for you, eyes on the clock waiting to bump into you.

00:00:13

Your stomach dropped and you walked over to a wall, leaning against it with fear that you’d just drop if you didn’t have support. Wasn’t this supposed to be an exciting moment in your life? If so, then why did you currently feel like you were about to melt into a puddle of nerves?

00:00:09

“Are you okay?”

You glanced up, seeing two uniformed officers standing around you. Hinata quickly drug Yachi up to the brunette officer, the three seeming to be familiar with each other while raven-haired officer was waiting for your reply.

“Oh, uhm, yes.” You felt dumb, but you held up your wrist, “just a little nervous.”

00:00:07

He let out a small chuckle, “I’m sure things will be fine. My husband ran into a light post when we first met.”

Yachi waved you over, you could hear her mention your name to the other officer but your movement halted when the officers’ radios crackled, a voice requesting back-up. The two officers quickly excused themselves, a few other officers gathering around them before they left, disappearing around the corner.

When you saw a person walking towards you, you glanced down, wondering it this person could be it, but something in you cracked noticing a drastic change in the clock on your wrist.

1368:59:52

*                      * 1200:03:25

50 days.

That’s how long you have to wait to meet your soulmate. But would you ever meet them? You had asked around and no one else had ever heard of someone’s clock restarting, what if you didn’t actually have a soulmate? If it was just some glitch, your clock just resetting to some random time like an electronic clock after the power cuts out and then back on.

Absentmindedly, you sip on the coffee Yachi had brought you, looking out the window wondering that if it wasn’t a glitch, had your soulmate being eagerly looking for you that day too? Were they just as upset that your clocks reset? A smile twitches on the corner of your lips, maybe the whole soulmate thing wasn’t so bad after all.

*          *          *          * Daichi

Sawamura Daichi tilts his head back, squeezing his eyes shut as he lets out a yawn. Daichi is tired and stressed, all he wants is to sink into his bed and sleep. At least until his clock hit zero and his soulmate was standing in front of him.

He pulls himself up in the chair, rubbing his eyes before glancing down at the countdown that’s on his wrist. He isn’t someone that spends large amounts of time staring and obsessing over each tick of the clock, but just a few weeks ago, it seemed to have reset and that alone caught his attention.

960:12:46

40 days.

Part of Daichi wants to say the clock on his wrist doesn’t bother him, that it’s not something he thinks of often, but that’s a lie. His dedication to his job, to protecting not just his loved ones, but those around him often painted him as a strict, by the book type of guy. The guy that wouldn’t bother to think of love or soulmates, being too focused on his job, but Daichi is just another hopeless romantic.

Which is exactly why he often wonders how it will fit in with the whole soulmate aspect. Even with the ups and downs his job brought, the uncertainty that sometimes came with each day, he has never regretted his choice of profession. But while those things didn’t sway his own personal opinion, it leaves him wondering how his soulmate would feel about it. If it would be something that they’d be able to accept and understand why he went that route.

What if they couldn’t accept it? What if they asked him to change careers? What if it was the straw that broke the camel’s back and tore them apart?

What if…?

What if…?

“Keep it up and you get forehead wrinkles.”

He feels a warm hand on his shoulder, turning to see his silver-haired best friend smiling at him. Sugawara sits across from Daichi, the two finally having a free day to meet and catch up.

“Keep worrying about me and your hair will go white.” “Take that back right now Daichi!” Suga rolls his eyes as the former captain starts laughing.

After ordering drinks, the conversation sways to Suga and his new group of students before it inevitably goes to Daichi and his soulmate mark. When he called the former setter, he, like everyone else, had never heard of a mark resetting, but he refused to let his best friend dwell on it. Even now, Suga places a comforting hand on Daichi’s forearm as he gives him a comforting smile.

“Maybe fate decided it wasn’t the right time.” Suga offers, he didn’t have too much room to talk. His current significant other isn’t his soulmate and yet he refuses to let it go, saying that what he has makes him happy and that’s all that should matter.

Daichi sighs, taking a sip on his drink, one of his fears sitting on the tip of his tongue. “What if I end up arresting my soulmate?” “You’d have a pretty unique meet-up story. Ow!” Suga rubs his shin, Daichi sitting there with a smirk on his face.

“That aside, it doesn’t change the fact that it reset in Tokyo and I was just there temporarily.”

“Visit on a day off.” Suga shrugs, “though you were there for a festival that attracts tons of people.”

“I hope you’re better at advice when it comes to your students.”

Suga rolls his eyes, shoulders drooping in defeat, he really was out of ideas. “When exactly did it reset?”

“Not sure, it was low before I ran into Hinata, but by the time I got back from a call it had already reset.”

“Was there anyone else around? Besides Yachi.” Daichi just shakes his head, finishing off his drink before he twists his wrist causing the ice to circle around the glass. Then it hits him, there had been someone else, but he didn’t get a good glance, his partner was talking to them. He simply shrugged it off back then, but now he wondered if maybe, just maybe they had been his soulmate.

*          *          *          * Y/N

720:03:36

30 days

You’re dancing around your apartment, headphone in as you straighten up the throw blankets on the couch, so you didn’t hear the knocking on the door or the voice calling you until you turned and let out a scream.

You’re doubled over, panting as you struggle to catch your breath, Yachi apologizing frantically and repeatedly until you finally stand up, telling her you were just a bit startled.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” The worry on her face as plain as day.

“I swear,” you flop down on the couch, “what’s up?” “Oh yeah!” She instantly perks up, “my high school is doing an alumni volleyball game and Hinata’s going to be in it. Thought you might want to join!”

“When is it?” You know this is her way of saying ‘you can’t meet your soulmate if only go to work and home’ but you were pretty confident that if you waited long enough, they could just end up moving in next door.

“Next month! It’ll be so much fun!” She pulls her hands up to her chest, putting on her best pouty face, “please Y/N.”

You want to just tell her no because who knows what you could end up doing that clashes with her plans. Plus, if you had counted correctly and your clock didn’t decide to reset again, that would be close to when you were supposed to meet your soulmate. And you had been in Tokyo when it almost hit 0, so they had to be here, right?

“Yeah, of course.” You gave her a smile as she gave you a quick hug, telling you just how excited Hinata and the rest of the crows would be, apparently, she bragged about you to all her former classmates. She excuses herself to make a call, most likely to Hinata, and you take the time to sigh, you had never cared about your soulmate before, what was so different now?

*          *          *          * Daichi

“Did you just put in for time off?” His partner Ito teases, sitting down at his desk that’s next to Daichi’s.

“I’ve taken time off before.”

“Three years ago, doesn’t count.”

“It was—” Daichi starts to protest before he realizes that Ito’s right, the last time was just before Ito was assigned his partner and it had been for one of his sibling’s graduation.

“This much be important then.”

He shrugs, “just getting together with some old teammates from high school.”

Ito smirks, “should I call you captain to help take you back?”

“Don’t even.” Daichi shakes his head, getting up before heading to the breakroom. Maybe meeting up with old friends would help take his mind off the whole Tokyo debacle. Glancing down, he signs when he sees his countdown.

480:52:46

20 days.

*          *          *          * Y/N

“My mom said that you are more than welcomed to stay, she has the guest room ready.” Yachi beams, bringing you the usual after lunch coffee she gets. For the last few days Yachi has been eagerly gushing about the upcoming alumni event, having the entire weekend planned out with tons of things to do.

“I don’t want to impose.”

“You aren’t, if anything she’s excited to finally meet you!”

You haven’t had the courage to actually tell Yachi that you no longer wanted to go, that you would rather just stay at home instead of being the one that brings down the mood. The countdown on your wrist has all but consumed you lately and as you get closer and closer, you just want to forget about it. People lived happily without them, right? Who was fate anyways, trying to tell people who they should and shouldn’t be with. If you put in the effort, anything could work, right?

Part of you knows that’s not true, you watched someone try to date their someone who wasn’t their soulmate. They were blissfully happy and everything seemed wonderful, until one of them met their soulmate and soon their relationship had burnt out. It seemed no matter what, that bond from a soulmate just overfloods anything else.

But then again, when you watched just how much Yachi lights up when she hears from Hinata or when someone mentions him, you couldn’t help but want that too. Wanting someone who acted like they were seeing you for the first time each time they saw you, being able to just know how you felt with one look. You look down at the clock again, wondering if maybe it had reset because you didn’t have the right mindset back then. That if maybe fate somehow knew you weren’t ready yet, if it took almost having them to losing them for you to finally realize just how much a soulmate could offer you when you let your guard down.

240:26:01

10 days.

*          *          *          * Daichi

Night patrols are something Daichi never really thought he’d find himself enjoying, but the ability to just causally drive around in silence is more welcoming that he considered it would be. Originally, his partner Ito was supposed to have patrol but he offered to pick it up since he was getting the next few days off to visit with his former classmates, he really didn’t mind the last-minute change to his schedule. Especially since he was getting nervous thinking about the game tomorrow, it wasn’t that he was worried about his skill set, but there were going to be several pro players in attendance.

It was already 8:45PM which meant he only had 15 minutes before his shift ended and he could go home, which he figured would go by slowly since most people were already in for the night. The sudden blur of speeding headlights catch his eyes and he let out a defeated sigh, of course it was too much to ask for a quiet night.

16:14:32

*          *          *          * Y/N

Shit!

You curse yourself, you had told Yachi that you’d take the train to Miyagi, she left the day before to meet up with Hinata, but you ended up staying later at work than intended. So here you are, five hours into your drive, half asleep and irritated, you should’ve just told her no.

You hear your phone going off, no doubt it’s Yachi asking where you are, you look down briefly to grab it, not paying attention to the change in speed limits as you continue down the road. It’s not until you hear police sirens that your attention is pulled away from everything else and you just want to scream.

Luckily due to the almost empty streets, you are able to pull over with ease, the patrol car pulling in behind you shortly after. You close your eyes, hitting your forehead to the steering wheel repeatedly before you hear a car door close and brace yourself.

*          *          *          * Daichi

He taps on the driver’s side window twice with his knuckle, waiting for it to be rolled down. A speeding ticket wouldn’t take long to write up, so his plans to be home by 9:30PM was still looking good which he was thankful for.

As the window rolls down, he catches his soul mark in the reflection and he scrunches up his face, getting an odd look from the driver of the vehicle.

00:00:02

*          *          *          * Y/N

“This is awkward, but—” You stop, noticing where his line of sight is and you finally look down at your wrist.

00:00:00

He smirks, “I never thought I’d meet my soulmate right before issuing them a speeding ticket.”

You aren’t completely sure why, but you end up laughing to the point you end up coughing. You couldn’t believe it, your whole life wondering at what moment you’d meet your soulmate, thinking of all the different situations that could possibly set up running into them, for it to end up like this. Talk about anticlimactic.

“Speaking of soulmates, think you could let me off with a warning?” You bat your lashes at him, really hoping that the soulmate card will work.

He clicks his tongue, smile on his face, “no can do.”

You drop your jaw in disbelief, “I guess this will be one hell of a meet-cute story, huh?”

*          *          *          * “You are so lame, Daichi.” Sugawara laughs, Nishinoya joining in on joking with their former captain.

Daichi glances over to the other side of the gym where you are, laughing with Yachi and Kiyoko and he can’t help but be smitten. He had tried for the longest time to not imagine his soulmate, not wanting to put that imaginary burden of being what he had wanted on the one he ended up with, but with you, you just smashed through any expectations he had and it had only been half a day.

You look over and see Daichi looking at you before you quickly turn your head away, getting a laugh from the former team managers. You were thrilled to have your soulmate, everything made sense, and it definitely helped that he was easy on the eyes.

“I still can’t believe he gave you a ticket!” Yachi protests, shooting Daichi a scold.

“I can.” Kiyoko smiles, “and I don’t think Y/N minds.”

Kiyoko’s right, you don’t really mind at all, because that’s part of your story with your soulmate, with Daichi. The person who had you waiting at the edge of your seat since before you could even tell time, the person that the stars had willed to be yours.

The first time you had almost met, he was in Tokyo because the festival needed more officers to help monitor things, it was just by chance that he ran into his former classmates that you happened to be with. The time you actually met, he was covering a shift that he wasn’t even supposed to be working and you were running late which was something you didn’t tend to do.

He wraps an arm around your waist, pulling you into his side, placing a soft kiss on the side of your forehead. You let yourself melt into his side, finally understanding what was so special about soulmates, why so many people spent forever trying to find theirs.

“You know, I can talk to my boss, erase the ticket.” “No way! I’m gonna frame it!”

Daichi’s face deadpans, “what?” You nod, “oh yeah, you aren’t gonna live that one down.”

Daichi just shakes his head, letting out a deep breath, suddenly realizing you were gonna be as much trouble as Kageyama and Hinata were. But somehow, he feels himself looking forward to the adventure that was you.

[rulerofstars]

us, a paradigm

What happens when two anxious hearts collide?

Pairing: Levi x fem!reader

Genre: College of Engineering!AU, angst, fluff, smutty themes.

Warnings: Swearing.

Word count: 4.5k words.

Angel: I just reached 100 followers! Words can never explain how glad I am to write for you, I’m thankful that I am somehow able to make you guys happy by doing what I love. Enjoy this one.

Commitment issues are so rampant, and you were never really surprised when it dawned to you how much of a coward you are when it comes to responsibilities and devotions. It is scary. People are scary. One moment you are in love then suddenly, you are not. Doubts and questions have always filled your heart whenever you consider taking another step, what if I misunderstood my feelings for something else?

Trust is a huge word. And being someone who overthinks a lot has compromised your standards to believe, and it sucks.

Hanji on your side continued rambling about how much of a bitch the professor was earlier, based on your observation, they had been late and caused a distraction upon entering the classroom, interrupting the discussion. You sighed as you carried the tray filled with your not so favorite foods towards a vacant spot inside the busy cafeteria.

Your eyes wandered for a moment, sighting various chaotic scenarios around you. Every single person had their own shit to do, there are couples gobbling up each other’s faces, decent Science people who study while eating, gossips who had nothing better to do but to stick their noses up a random person’s business, jocks who are so noisy, oh, and the Computer engineering majors who had just entered the cafeteria. Their presence is indeed, intimidating, especially the seniors.

“What are you doing here? Your building’s literally light years away.” Hanji interrogates as Erwin sat on the vacant spot next to them, and Mike to your left, making you scoop to your right to give him more room since he is. . . a giant.

Erwin took his iPad with its green silly case out, and the pen with the matching silly case, of course. These men, you chuckled.

“Levi wanted some tea and we don’t have tea in our cafeteria.” Mike shrugged, playing with plants versus zombies part 2 on his phone. Levi is here, then? You thought, your heart pumping a little bit faster when you heard his name, anticipation run through your veins.

A white mug has been placed in front of you, the steam radiating from the drink smelled like your favorite warm drink.

“Speaking of the fucking devil.”

Levi scoffed, sitting next to Hanji and in front of you, leaning against the backrest as he took a sip from his own insulated tumbler, two strings with tags hanging from it. He gave you an eyebrow flash, acknowledging your presence and saying “hey” without actually talking.

You looked down on your mug and avoided his meaningful glances, the warmth of your drink aided your icy-ass hands, as Levi would have called it.

No one knows what is going on between you and the man, by no one, that includes you and him. The both of you are stuck in the anomaly of being afraid to get serious, yet not wanting to let go of each other’s hand. You wanted to laugh at the irony. Years spent of mastering algorithms and theories, yet you cannot even figure out the real score behind the actions and emotions that are involved whenever you meet. Two clever individuals who are unbelievably dumb when it comes to commitments and relationships.

“What are we?”

It was a cold evening eight weeks ago, the fairy lights surrounding you provided warm lusters that helped you distinguish Levi’s emotion. But the man had none on his face, and so did you. You are both puzzles waiting to be solved, but not ready for significant changes.

“We’re happy.”

You fuck, you have felt him in so many ways, in different positions, in different places. But the intimacy did not just stop on how you beg for his touch and how he does for you. You are fuck buddies who had pillow talks at 3:00 am, talking about your plans and what kind of goals you have. He told you about his dreams, complained to you about his day, the both of you laughed about how Erwin gave into the blandishments of a salesperson and actually bought silly-looking cases. While you helped him test his projects and cook whenever he had a bad day, joy runs through your blood when you got his tea right, when he lets you take his hoodies home, and lends you his favorite pen.

And perhaps you are fuck buddies, with something more. Neither you nor him, had wanted to clear the score in between, and you chose to dwell within the intimacy and warmth of his being. No labels, no relationships, just two people who enjoyed the company of one another.

“(Y/N), let’s go we’re almost late.” Hanji says, grabbing their bag and standing up, almost hitting Erwin with their steel keychains.

You sighed, grabbing your bag and nodding at the boys, flashing your eyebrows at Levi, too.

_____

The holiday season could be felt inside the campus. Various Christmas decorations appeared everywhere, peppermint mocha now available in the cafeteria, green and red garlands outlined every doorway. Santa Claus just vomited in your university, and you are not hating it, yesterday, you even heard someone playing Christmas songs. It’s the season for ugly sweaters with reindeers in it, and you can’t wait to give one for each of your friends, including your juniors. You wanted to laugh at the thought.

Levi’s warm hands found their way under your- well, his hoodie as he fondled with your breasts while you sat in front of your laptop, leaning against him, and him leaning against the headboard of your bed.

“I’m busy,” You lightly scolded him, trying to shoo his hands away, but he groped your left breast a bit tighter and played with your right nipple.

“Levi!” You called out, playfully glaring at him. This man is insatiable, you thought.

He let out a hearty chuckle and placed his head on your nape. This kind of moments are those you consider unusual, if Levi is clingy then it is unusual.

Warm kisses are placed at the back of your neck and it did send chills all the way to your bones. You love the way he kisses you like some kind of candy, obsessed with how you taste, demanding for more of you.

“Stop moving,” He groaned, burying his face on your hair, inhaling your scent, “This weather is making me horny.”

Your fingers had stop typing for a while, trying to register what he had just said, “You are always horny.” A giggle escaped from your throat, ignoring his thirst for attention. This essay is more important than your needs, and it is due in an hour. Maybe after that, you can satisfy this man’s ache for pleasure.

Levi scoffed, getting out of your warm bed with only his grey sweatpants. Your eyed darted to his lean body and admired him for a bit before going back to your task.

He has been here since last night, he had a few drinks with Erwin and Mike at the newly opened bar, and apparently, he is too tired to drive back to his apartment. You shook your head at the thought, he’s five minutes away. Hanji told you about the Christmas event next week, and it was eventually announced to you by the dean.  

“Your fridge is so gloomy,” Levi states, you did not look up to him as you continued typing for your report for a minor subject. You sighed, Chemical Engineering is fun with all the laboratories and stuff, but the reports and calculations? No.

“Yeah, I haven’t gone to the grocery since last week so. . .” You trailed. Besides, you were too busy to cook for yourself, so you either had to call for food deliveries, buy your food at school, or go to Levi’s place for food. He is a decent cook, and you really do not have to worry about the cleanliness of the food.

The man sat beside you and looked at your screen, eyeing your word count. You are near your goal and you would definitely let the software check for your own work after this. He planted a kiss on your cheek.

“Let’s go to the store then.” He grumbled, he was eager for your food last night, had he not slept immediately after lying on your bed.

You stared at him, the corner of your lips curving upwards to form a smile. He rarely initiates grocery dates, he had been with you thrice, but he grows impatient whenever you are having a hard time choosing from two different brands, plus there are chances that one of your friends could see you hanging around.

“Okay. . .” You hummed earning a little yet captivating smirk from him. Levi never fails to make your heart flutter whenever he shows you his rare smile, “After this.”

His breath tickled your ear when he placed his chin on top of your shoulder, itching for you to finish your goddamn report.

“One round before going?”

“Oh, shut up.”

_____

The store is not that crowded when you came, the pushcart’s handle is imprinted with Christmas-inspired designs, and everyone’s wearing their warm, cozy sweaters, and you happen to be wearing one of Levi’s university hoodies, too.

“You don’t need that much butter.” He mutters upon seeing you stock up on one of your favorite canned butters, you made face.

“You’re not sure.”

As you walk along the aisles, the sight of sale and canned cookies immediately distracted you, leaving Levi and the cart to him. It ain’t Christmas without a can of butter cookies, you smiled at the cute design embossed on the can.

“Oh, (Y/N)!”

Hanji’s voice caused you to freeze on the spot. Where’s Levi? Had they seen you with him?

“Hey,” You smiled, turning around and thanking God that Levi wasn’t there, he probably went to another section the moment he had seen your friend, “You alone?” You asked, holding three cans of biscuit on your hand.

“Yeah, yeah I’m- wait, is that a hoodie from the. . .” They gasped, slapping your arm causing you to wince in pain. That fucking stings.

You swear to God Hanji’s laugh is so loud everyone could hear.

“(Y/N), you slut!” They cackle, people are weirdly staring at the both of you. Shyness crept in your system. “Who is it? Does Erwin, Mike or Levi know this guy?”

In the corner of your eyes, you saw Levi looking at you from the far corner of the grocery, the cart already filled with the supplies that you need, lacking what you really want, he signaled you to check your phone and immediately walked away, probably heading to the cashier already.

“I-I don’t know, okay? It was one night.” Lousy lies came out of your mouth, and you already knew that Hanji would not buy this. They smirked at you, patting your shoulder.

“Whatever you say, honey, I’ll get going, don’t forget to buy condoms, okay?”

Your face is now so red because of the sudden conversation and how loud Hanji’s voice was. Everyone in that section probably thinks that you really are a slut. You face palmed, stopping to your tracks when you remember what Levi had signaled you to do so.

Levi: I got you all you need, just meet me in my car.

(Y/N): k just lemme pay for some cookies

Without waiting for his reply, you shoved your phone in your bag. Immediately heading to the cashier to pay for your beloved butter cookies. It was a shame, though. You thought. You were somehow anticipating to have a decent grocery shopping date with Levi, and it was cut short.

You sighed. Maybe some things just are not meant to happen, after all.

 _____

The whole room seemed to be too huge as you walk your way towards your seat, next to Nanaba. She eyed you as if you were an alien, confusion is plastered across her face as you limped, wincing when you were not careful enough for another step.

“What happened to you?” She asks, helping you put your heavy-ass bag down and cringing upon hearing your whims.

Levi happened. “Nothing, I worked out too hard.” You lied, again, loathing how hard the chair is against your butt and sore muscles, flinching whenever a muscle aches suddenly, remembering how unquenchable your thirst was last night. Nonstop fucking happened in your apartment, hours of skin-to-skin activities had made you limp and as Levi would say, fucking weak.

Huge, fresh, and screaming hickeys greeted you this morning that you wanted to storm into Levi’s apartment and kick him in the nuts. Good thing you have a concealer, because knowing your friends, you would be in the hot seat if ever they see the marks on your neck.

Modules were handed out to all of you, the professor of this minor but terrible subject gave one final activity and you are officially done with your finals here. You immediately worked on it, ignoring Hanji’s blabbering and occasionally saying yes whenever them and Nanaba asks you questions, something about going to the mall later. You really do not have any kind of plans, so.

“Say, have you seen the invitation for the soiree?” Hanji started, your head lifted up at what they had just said.

You raised a brow at her, “It’s a soiree now? I thought it was just a simple event.” You left your most decent dresses at home! And by home, it meant not your apartment.

“Are you not happy?” Nanaba asks, bewildered because of your reaction, “Just buy one later.”

Hanji scoffs, “You’re lucky you’d get to have a formal date with the computer guy,” Your eyes widened at her sudden remark, Nanaba is now perplexed and looking back and forth at the two of you.

“She’s fucking someone from Comp Engineering, I saw her yesterday. . .”

Sighing, you eventually let Hanji spill the beans to Nanaba. It is not like they would know, anyway. But, the thought of being scared of your friends knowing bothered you a lot. What if you admit that you and Levi are fucking? Then it would be okay, right?

No it won’t. It is you and Levi. They would go berserk if they realize that you, a dean’s lister, and Levi, one of the most serious individuals who looks like one who does not have a sex life, is settling in a relationship with no labels. No responsibilities, you know better than that. But that is what makes it safe, right?

Him and I, but never ‘us.�� You felt a twinge in your heart when you thought about it, shaking the thought away and butting in your friends’ conversation.

Still limping, you followed your friends towards a decent boutique when you arrived at the mall. They offered you different kinds of clothing, and luckily, they have dresses which are pleasant enough to make you look pleasant.

“Is it required to have a date?” Nanaba questioned, reading whatever is on the invitation. You shrugged your shoulders, not really interested on having a date.

“What are you, a high school student?”

You rolled your eyes at the both of them, you could already feel the unnecessary argument starting to brew, “I think it depends on you, it would not matter, anyway.” You said, eyeing a white dress from afar.

“But I want to be a high school student!” Hanji whined.

Ignoring your friends, you approached the silk dress. Adoring how nice it looks and envisioning how it might look on you. The saleslady greeted you, giving a kind smile that you returned, “Do you want to try it?”

The dress suited you finely. White’s elegance never fails to make you enchanted, and upon trying the dress, you immediately know that it’s the one.

“Ooh! I’ve got an idea! What if I tell Erwin to ask me out?” Hanji asks, making you laugh while you admire yourself in the mirror. It’s perfect.

“Don’t be silly, I heard he’s planning to ask Marie out.” Nanaba interferes, they are talking from different fitting rooms, you sighed.

“Marie will probably go with Nile,” Hanji rebuts “And where did you learn that from?”

Nanaba cleared her throat, “I heard it from Mike.”

Hanji’s loud teasing is probably heard across the whole shop, spatting various accusations about Nanaba and Mike’s relationship, and the latter defended herself, claiming that they are just friends. And if the person knew about you and Levi, it would probably be worse than this, but just like them, you are all aware that you are just friends.

 _____

Hanji: jst take me w u Erwin

Mike: the man’s sad because of his lil crush

Hanji: yep cmon just ask me i wont reject u c:

The night before the soiree, your group’s groupchat has been louder than it usually was. Turns out, Marie, the girl that Erwin had planned to ask out, has already agreed going with Nile, someone form Architecture. Mike’s with Nanaba, and they easily slipped off everyone’s teasing because it was pretty obvious, even way before. Hanji’s pestering Erwin about taking them to the soiree as his date.

Erwin: Okay, fine.

Moblit’s planning to go alone because according to him, having a date will spoil the fun. You are going alone, too. And so is Levi who is currently lying in your bed, bare and naked.

“They won’t suspect anything if we go alone.” The mutual decision offered many pros, and having a date’s just formality, too. The two of you did not see the point of going with someone, in your terms, you are done being high school students.

You rested your chin against your palm while you eyed Levi who is scrolling through his phone. Chilly air entered your apartment and you rolled your eyes at the sight of open windows that the both of you had forgotten to close earlier because you were busy snogging.

“‘Cha doin’?” You asked, straddling Levi and snuggling against his chest to steal his warmth. He lets you in by moving the blanket so that the both of you are nicely covered, his cologne still lingering on his skin despite the sweat that had cascaded down his body earlier, while he was busy pounding into you.

He pressed his lips on your forehead, placing his one arm over your bare back, feeling the coldness and gently rubbing it away, “Checking some shit.”

You played with his hair for a while, twirling his jet-black hair in your fingers and occasionally massaging his undercut, earning a groan every once in a while. Your fingers gently walked down to his sharp jawline, reaching his neck. The bruises you have left is now extremely light marks, as they already faded away.

“Will you go home?” You asked, implying for him to stay the night and cuddle with you. His bluish grey eyes looked down at you, softening upon seeing your angelic face.

“I’ll go home tomorrow morning,” He says, placing you on your bed and turning to his side to hug you and pepper your chest with kisses.

_____

Tomorrow evening came by fast, you were picked up by Mike and Nanaba, and now, you are on your way to the hotel venue. Third wheeling has always been your role at dates, you smiled at the thought. This event became an impromptu prom for college students, and you silently hoped that there would be a mobile bar, at least.

Erwin, Moblit, and Hanji waited for the three of you by the entrance, they looked dashing in their clothes. You kissed their cheeks the moment you approached them, and you did not get away from your classmates who praised how well you looked tonight.

The silk, white dress accentuated every feature that you have got. In Mike’s words, “Girl’s damn pretty.”

You presented your stubs upon entrance and your friends picked a seat near the buffet table. These people. You shook your head and followed everyone, sitting in the middle of Hanji and Nanaba as you sat down and let your eyes wander for a moment.

The whole place screamed Winter wonderland and you were glad upon picking the color white for an outfit. Again, people were up for their own shit. Some are already lining up on the mobile bar, taking pictures, some are trying to make out, you lifted your hand when you saw Mikasa and Eren, along with Armin and waved your hands at them.

To accommodate the whole department of engineering, one must have a venue as big as the fucking Earth, and you are glad that the place’s actually wide enough, you can’t stand being in a crowded place, and so is Levi.

“Where’s shorty?”

Erwin looked up upon hearing Hanji’s voice, he’s playing another mobile game with Mike. “He’s with his date, I guess.”

Your heart skipped a beat after hearing what Erwin had just said. He’s got a what?

“Really? Who?” Hanji asks, munching up the appetizers on your table.

The blonde man shrugged his shoulders, “I think it’s Ral, she’s our classmate.”

Of course, who are you to feel jealous? You ran your fingers through your hair to relieve the horrible feeling of being betrayed, because after all, you had no label, no commitments. All you did was fuck, is it bad that your heart felt like it has been stumped on millions of times because of a non-existent relationship? Maybe.

A woman with beautiful auburn hair greeted your sight, next to her is Levi, his hand held hers the way he did with yours after hours of fucking and playing around. You wanted to punch yourself at this very moment. Because somehow, you anticipated that you’d be his girl for the night. You expected him to be next to you, while the both of you exchange meaningful glances and stares that meant a lot more than just “hey”.

Or did you mistook his stares for something more than you were supposed to?

The chair produced a screeching sound as you stood up, grabbing your bag and putting the chair back to its place. You are pretty sure that everyone’s perplexed because of your sudden movements.

“Where are you going?” Hanji held your wrist, demanding an immediate answer.

“I’m thirsty, goin’ to the bar.” You break away from their grasp, and you heard their chair move as well.

Their arm draped around your shoulders, “Ooh, feisty, I’m coming along!”

_____

Warm, strong mixes of alcohol provided your throat the spirit and your system the courage to confront the man later. You want to be demolished, body and soul. You had no fucking idea, that letting go of something that was never yours to begin with would feel this way.

Okay, that hurts.

Looking to your left, you saw Hanji trying to drink every kind of cocktail, you already know her end game. Godbless our poor Erwin, you thought.

“Hey.”

You hated the familiarity of his voice, and how your heart reacts whenever he is near. Levi fucking Ackerman is next to you, eyeing how you drink the tequila as if it was orange juice.

“Go back to your date, Levi,” You said calmly, sucking on the lemon. Nothing could be more bitter than this night.

He placed his hand on your back, “She asked me to.” Remorse filled his voice. You know Levi. You know that he would not even look at you even just for a second if he already had his eyes on another person.

“It’s okay, Levi.” You can’t even look at him.

His warm hand captured your wrist once again, lightly tugging you, and you could not refuse anyway. You let him lead the way until you reached the secluded garden. The place might be off-limits, but who fucking cares? You are about to get heart broken, might as well do this in a nice place.

“What’s your problem?” You scoffed at his question, glaring at him with your cold eyes. Pain is evident within the depts of your stares, and God knows how sorry Levi is for making you feel this way.

“Really?”

You are about to walk away when he grabbed your hand and forced you to stay in front of him. His strong arms caged your body.

“Fuck, (Y/N), just say something.” He whispered.

The both of you are fools whose hearts resonated against the beat of the other.

“There is nothing in between us, that is my problem! Y-you don’t know how defenseless I have felt when I saw you with her,” You burst, thousands of unsaid sentiments are now overflowing along the tears that had escaped your eyes, “I’m not dumb. You aren’t, too. Why won’t we just fucking admit?”

He sighed against your hair, rubbing your back with his free hand and embracing you with the other, “You know,” He cleared his throat, “The moment I laid my eyes on you, I knew that one day you’ll have me,” His hand lifted your face, kissing your tears away, “You weren’t hard to love, (Y/N).”

“I hate how you called me your friend when my heart called you something else, I hate how my being sought for a label while we kept this as a secret,” The music echoed from the function hall, a sign that the main event had already started. Your trembling lips set everything you wanted to say free, “I was fucking scared, Levi. I was scared of commitments and responsibilities, and then you came along. . .”

Levi pulled you closer to his body, you could feel the turmoil residing within his chest. “And I don’t want to be scared anymore.” You sobbed within his embrace. You are both aware of how you feel. How the little things that mattered to you and him had meant something more than just being friends with benefits.

“Your eyes gave you away,” He chuckled, planting a kiss on your forehead, “I am a shitty person, you know that,” He said, holding you tighter. None of you wanted to let go, because you are both cowards who did not know how to start, and now you are clueless about what will happen if ever you let go, “And I would settle for anything as long as you’d be with me. I was a scum for thinking about the risks of being official without even trying. I was afraid that you’d know me more- I’m fucked up, (Y/N), then you’ll get tired of me. . .”

He made you look at him directly in the eyes, fondness and passion lurking along the hues of grey and blue, “And I don’t want you to be tired of me.”

Your emotions sang as one, the wind accompanying you both as you realized the choices that you have. Along the months of drowning in denials and trying to withdraw against the whisper of your hearts, you found yourself being carried away by the intensity of fate, just to lead you against each other’s embrace.

“Are you scared?” You asked, clinging onto him like there is no more tomorrow, feeling the tenderness of his heartbeats.

“I won’t be, for as long as I am with you.”

You nodded against his embrace, relief washing the anxiety and pain from your system. Commitments are scary, responsibilities seem to be terrifying, but nothing’s worse than letting a chance slip away because of cowardice. Nothing is worse than not being able to hold his hand and eventually having to let go.

“What do we call us?” You asked, letting him sway you against the cozy Christmas song.

He smiled, planting a soft kiss on your lips, “Lovers.”

[bytheangell]

Throw Your Mercy Down

(S02E05 inspired fic) (Read on AO3)

“No one blames you.”

“They should.”

Alec wants to scream it, to shout it through the halls of the Institute. He isn’t being punished at all for killing Jocelyn, not so much as a stern reprimand or a temporary benching from active duty. It’s as if nothing happened at all - as if he didn’t take the life of a fellow Shadowhunter.

As if he didn’t kill Clary and Jace’s mother.

It’s his fault. They should blame him. They should hate him! He should’ve been stronger, strong enough to fight it, or at least smart enough to not let it get him in the first place.

Jace says he understands, but he doesn’t. Alec imagines that Jace understands the most out of anyone in his life, but even his parabatai doesn’t completely get it - if he did then he wouldn’t be trying to convince Alec to go back inside for debriefings and mission assignments like it’s just another day, Valentine or not.

He can’t go inside, and since he can’t hide on the rooftop forever now that Jace knows he’s here the only other option is to leave. Thankfully, Jace doesn’t try to follow.

Alec doesn’t know where he’s going until he’s almost there, realizing he instinctively walked towards Magnus’. Alec glances at the front door, considering the options of ringing the bell or calling to see if Magnus is even home first. Instead, he climbs the fire escape and just sits there for a while.

He isn’t sure if he even plans on going in. Right now just being here, somewhere that feels safe and familiar (that isn’t the Institute) is enough. He has fresh air, a view of the city, and he can just think without the concern of having to face anyone (Jace and Clary) he doesn’t want to.

He’s half-tempted to leave before Magnus notices he’s there when he hears the sound of the door opening beside him. Alec tries to deflect talking about what’s on his mind by bringing up Camille, and Magnus lets him. Magnus is open and honest about something that obviously upsets him to talk about, and it only drives home the fact that Alec isn’t doing the same, despite his previous promise not to push Magnus away when things get crazy.

This is as crazy as things have ever been for Alec, that’s for sure.

But how can he talk about it to Magnus and expect him to ever think of Alec the same way again? That goes double for Clary and Jace, and the others at the Institute.

“You’ll blow up the very ground you stand on to make something right.”

Right now, the ground he stands on is with Magnus. It’s a safe place to turn to when the Institute is too much. It’s the first steps towards a happiness he never imagined possible for himself. Is he willing to risk blowing up everything he’s so carefully started to build here, just to let Magnus in on why this guilt feels so consuming and insurmountable?

Alec glances from Magnus back down to his hands, then pulls the stele out of his pocket, lifts up the side of his shirt, and activates his Iratze. It’s been long enough that the wound will likely scar, but the worst of the damage will heal over shortly. He spends a few extra seconds looking at his hand, running his thumb gently over the already healing wound one last time.

Magnus’ gaze is softer when Alec finally looks back up to meet it. It strikes Alec how cautious Magnus is being with him, as if he’s afraid of scaring Alec away with one wrong move or misspoken word. Alec supposes that possibility isn’t so far off after how he reacted to Jace earlier.

“Do you want to come inside?”

Alec considers this. He still isn’t ready to face Clary at the Institute, and he wants to talk to Magnus the way Magnus was so willing to talk to him. He wants to try, at least.

“Alright,” Alec agrees, following Magnus indoors.

Magnus motions toward the drink cart in a silent offer but Alec shakes his head. “No. I need to go back at some point, probably sooner rather than later.” The last thing he needs is to risk more lives by showing up and going on patrol with alcohol in his system.

Magnus nods, and to Alec’s surprise begins to make them both tea instead of having a drink of his own. In the meantime, Alec is left alone with his thoughts. Even when Magnus returns and hands him a warm mug, he doesn’t force Alec to talk or ask him anything about Jocelyn or the attack.

Alec finally works up the nerve on his own, the words nearly exploding out of him in a sudden burst of frustration and confusion.

“I just don’t get it!” Alec admits. “How can Jace act like nothing happened? How can he or Clary ever forgive me? How can any of them ever rely on me again when I couldn’t help my own parabatai when he went missing, and I couldn’t even protect my own Institute from a demon!?”

“Alec, neither of those things are your fault. You did everything in your power to track Jace, and it nearly cost you your life. And as much as it terrifies me to even consider,” Magnus says, swallowing hard. “I’m relatively certain if there was anything you could’ve done to protect the Institute, no matter the cost to yourself, you would’ve done that, too.”

Alec sits with that for a minute or two, because Magnus is right. Alec knows it the moment he hears it - if he could’ve traded places with Jocelyn he would’ve without a second thought. If he could’ve taken out the demon before it entered the Institute, even if it cost his life, he would’ve done it to protect his family.

He could agree, and leave it at that. He could drop the conversation now and have opened up a little, even if it isn’t everything… but it doesn’t feel like enough. And now that he’s started talking about it he feels like he needs to say it all, to get everything out in the open before it eats away at him until he breaks.

“Even if the demon isn’t my fault, Jocelyn’s death is,” Alec insists, but his tone isn’t defiant - it’s sad and full of such deep, aching guilt.

“Alec, it isn’t-”

“Yes, it is,” Alec repeats, the words starting to flow before he can stop them. He needs to say it. He needs to let somebody know, so they can hate him for it as much as he hates himself. “The demon didn’t just pick the first random target that passed by me. It fed off negative emotions… it targeted Jocelyn because of me - because of the resentment I felt over her being the reason Clary showed up and started to ruin everything. Jace going behind my back, everything with Lydia, the cup, Izzy’s trial… it all started with Jocelyn’s disappearance. I resented her for all of it, but more than that...“ he hesitates here, but it isn’t as if he can take it back now, and this last part is just as important to admit. “I hated her for shooting at Jace that night, and for all the pain she’s caused him.”

Yes, he was possessed, and no, he wasn’t in full control of his own actions or mind… but it was his thoughts, his feelings, that drove the demon to pick Jocelyn out of everyone else in the Institute. Alec isn’t sure how he’s supposed to live with that knowledge for the rest of his life.

“Alec..” Magnus shifts on the sofa to face him fully now, moving closer with his arms slightly outstretched, palms up as he waits to see if Alec would welcome the touch of a hug just then. It’s such a gentle consideration that Alec doesn’t believe he deserves, and the kindness leaves unexpected tears stinging his eyes.

“I swear I didn’t want her dead, Magnus. No matter what I felt, I would never-”

Magnus closes the space between them before Alec can say another word, wrapping his arms tightly around him. Alec doesn’t bother to fight it - he’s too tired to do anything other than lean into the embrace, letting out a shuddering breath before that breath gives way to several heaving sobs.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Alec says, repeating it over and over despite Magnus’ muffled reassurances that it’s okay. It isn’t okay, everything is so far from okay, but it’s nice to hear just the same. After a confession like that, the fact that Magnus is still there at all and not turning away in disgust or running in the other direction really means something to Alec. It’s significant.

Magnus doesn’t hate him for it, and it’s the first time Alec allows himself to humor the idea that there’s a chance the others might not either, no matter what he thinks he deserves.

“I’m sorry,” Alec says again, not sure anymore if he’s apologizing for crying, or for dumping all of this on Magnus, or for what happened with Jocelyn.

“I know you are,” Magnus says, running soothing hands up and down Alec’s back and arms. “And so does everyone else.”

Sorry isn’t nearly enough, but neither is anything else he can think to say or do. It might be the best he has to offer at the moment. It’s certainly better than nothing… and Clary deserves better than the nothing he’s given her since the demon was killed.

Reluctantly, Alec pulls himself away from Magnus. “I should go back.”

“Are you sure? You can wait here as long as you need,” Magnus offers.

Alec nods. “Yeah, I’m sure. You were right earlier, you know. I ran because there is no way for me to make this right, not really, and I didn’t know what to do with that. But just because I can’t fix it doesn’t mean I get to freeze up and do nothing instead.”

Magnus nods, a small smile on his face. “You’re a good man, Alexander. And don’t you dare tell me you aren’t-” Magnus adds quickly, just as Alec opens his mouth to argue. Alec closes his mouth again, rolling his eyes slightly.

“Thank you, Magnus.” Alec leans in and gives Magnus a short, chaste kiss, before heading back to the Institute to face whatever comes next.

[redhawtriot]

Master List✨✨✨

This master-list is a directory (of sorts [look, I tried my best]) of the all of the stories/head canons posted on this page!

SFW=👌

NSFW =💞

Fluff=❤️

Angst=😭

Humor=😂

💞 😂  Endeavor Suga Baby Series: Oneshots and shit posts about being endeavors suga baby lol. (Enji Todoroki x Reader)

Part1 Part2 Part3

👌😂❤️ Crush Journal: How tododeku (separately) would confess to their crushes. a.k.a. Izuku takes notes on how to be the perfect SIMP (Deku x reader Todoroki x Reader)

👌❤️ Bunny: Read this if you have a thing for being called bunny (Todoroki x reader, Bakugou x reader)

👌😂❤️ Art and Oreos: How our two top students deal with having a civilian girlfriend (Bakugou x Reader, Todoroki x Reader)

👌😂❤️ Problem Child: After the cute stage every parent has to eventually deal with a shitty teen. BNHA characters as parents (Midoriya, Shinsou, Bakugou, Iida, Kirishima) 

😂 What up my name’s ‘Gerund’ I’m 19 and I never FUCKING learned how to read.  Lord, bless this mess (Kaminari x Reader) 

👌😂❤️ Koala: You don't want your bed to get cold a.k.a. Todoroki with a clingy ass significant other (Todoroki x Reader)

💞 😭 Nobody’s Hero: Ground Zero saves you from being mugged one night and can’t seem to let you go. Warning: slight non/con (Yandere Bakugou x Reader)

😭 Mirror Images: Warning: mentions of still birth. (Bakugou x Reader)

👌😂❤️ Missed Call form Blasthole: Your first time being invited to spend the night with your boyfriend (Bakugou x Reader)

👌😂❤️ Shinsou Shits: You and your husband, Bakugou, are tasked with babysitting the twin seeds of Satan (Bakugou x Reader ft.Mina x Shinsou)

👌😂 Wanna Win?: Kirishima asks for Bakugou’s help to find the words to tell you that he loves you, but things don’t exactly go according to plan... (Kirishima x Reader ft Kiribaku)

💕😂 Operation Unvirgin:  Bakugou never bothered with girls. He’s got too much shit to deal with; however, he finds himself in a world of cognitive dissonance when he hears that his rival is about to lose “it” before him. hWHAT? That loser is gonna beat him in something?! He thinks that FUCK NOT. (Bakugou x reader)

👌😂❤️ Whose Manz is this?!: You get a box of chocolates and a love note from a little broccoli head boy and let’s just say... it truly does take a village to raise a child. (’Izuku Midoriya being wing-manned by class 1-A’ x Reader)

👌❤️ Grey Area: You are beginning to feel a little jealous over Todoroki, but it shouldn’t matter because you're just friends... right? (Todoroki x Reader ft TodoMomo)

Valentines Weekend: Just random, unrelated short stories, headcanons and drabbles for all your loving needs. (BNHA x reader [Look. there is over 23 “x reader” pairings in this! I cant name each one])

Part 1: type (HCS) (👌😂❤️)

Part 2: food play (💞)

Part 3: Things my boyfriend has said to me (👌❤️😂)

👌😭 Two Birds on a Wire: Hawks unexpectedly finds himself falling for love with a villain during his time as a double agent. How will he handle having to betray the woman he loves? trilogy (Hawks x Reader feat. Shigaraki, Dabi, Twice, and minor OCs)

Part 1, 

💞😂❤️ Deprived: They fucked up and you take it upon yourself to teach them a lesson in the coldest way possible: putting your body on lock down. How the hell are they gonna survive? (Todoroki x Reader, Bakugou x Reader, Midoriya x Reader, Iida x Reader)

👌❤️😂 Curly Hair Headcanons: (HCS) Let’s see how these boys do with a girlfriend who has curly hair... (Todoroki x Reader, Bakugou x Reader, Kirishima x Reader)

👌❤️😂Plant Daddy: Bakugou with a significant other who is obsessed with plants-- fragile, defenseless plants… I am sure nothing will go wrong there. (Bakugou x Reader)

👌😭When Cheated On Part 1: Shinsou finds out that you have been cheating on him. (Shinsou x Reader)

👌😭When Cheated On Part 2: Bakugou finds out that you have been cheating on him. (Bakugou x Reader)

👌😂❤️Tinder Games: You like to play tinder for fun, and it is all fun in games until a certain someone swipes right for you… (Bakugou x Reader, Iida x Reader, Todoroki x Reader, Midoriya x Reader, Kaminari x Reader, Kirishima x Reader)

👌😂❤️Drunk in Love: New Years Eve Special! Can any of these messes properly handle their liquor? Find out! (Bakugou x Reader, Midoriya x Reader, Yaoyorozu x Reader, Todoroki x Reader, Kirishima x Reader, Shinsou x Reader)

👌😂❤️Bad Dreams Fluff n Stuff: You wake up from a bad dream crying and Bakugou has to unclog his emotional constipation to support you. (Bakugou x Reader)

👌😂❤️Holiday Edition: Christmas with your boyfriend’s family is always a spectacle… (Bakugou x Reader)

👌😂❤️Holiday Edition: This is the first time you met Kaminari’s family! You gave him one job to prepare for the event…. One job... smh… (Kaminari x Reader)

👌😂High school: (HCS) Gender neutral Reader is just tryna make it through a school day after Sero smoked them out (ft. Bakugou, Midoriya, Jirou, Iida, Aizawa, Kaminari, and Todoroki)

👌❤️😂 How to Stop Liking a Stoner: Bakugou can’t help but falling in love with your delinquent ass, but that doesn't mean he is gonna fall quietly without a fucking fight. (Bakugou x Reader)

👌😂Tectonic Plates and Platonic Dates: You and Kirishima are platonic buddies that secretly watch romantic comedies together. Everything is chill until your hot-headed twin brother finds out! (Kirishima x Reader ft. Bakugou, Kaminari, and Sero)

👌😂MHA Charecters as Candy: (HCS) What was that? What candy would these MHA characters be!? Wait... oh… You never asked? Oh okay… I guess I’ll just leave this here anyway… *sniff-sniffle*… (Bakugou, Midoriya, Kirishima, Kaminari, Mineta, Monoma, Yaoyorozu, Sero, Shinsou)

👌😭❤️The Same Side of Anything: Dabi is totally a Todoroki in this. Romeo and Juliet did it better probably, but I love the idea of star-crossed lovers. Read this if you’re into mediocre poetic themes.  (Dabi x Reader)

👌😂Crackhead Post: Reader regrets letting the three stooges into their life (ft. Kaminari, Sero and Kirishima)

👌😂 ❤️ Soft Dad Moments: What would prompt some of the MHA dads to buy their children a plushie? Warning: Some of these dads are so sweet that you might need to see a dentist after. (Bakugou x Reader, Kirishima x Reader, Dabi x Reader, Shigaraki x Reader)

💞 😭 Baby Boom: You end up prego after a one night stand and Bakugou learns how to be a decent human being (Bakugou x reader)

Month 1,  Month 2, Month 3, Month 4

Interactive Series (You voted on the outcomes):

💞😭 😂 ❤️Sole Mates: Your every day life as a business woman is rudely interrupted by an explosive hero’s name being painfully imprinted on the sole of your foot, bounding the two of you’s pain, emotions and thoughts. (Bakugou x Reader, past Izuku X Reader)

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

💞😭Caught in The Act: You find out that your fiancé cheated on you, your grandmother’s dresser is ruined, Kirishima is a precious gift from god, and… wait, when did Todoroki get so hot? (Bakugou x Reader ft Todoroki, Kirishima and a few minor OC’s)

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4,  Part 5 Finale

Sequel (just a lil writing experiment. pay no mind if you like the original ending): Part 1

Tsugi No Hero Academia: a Next gen AU me and my crackhead friends conjured up feat. Bakugou’s son as the MC 

[wxlfstxrx]

My Love (Chapter Three!!!!)

FINALLY. the final chapter is up!! god, i’m tired. firstly, before i forget, pls forgive my ignorance regarding the passport thing. HAHA. i had no idea that a passport wasn't necessary when crossing between states. best believe i was shooketh when i found out. i tried to briefly correct it in this chapter. also, once again the French phrases were translated online, so apologies if there are any errors.

i wanna thank everyone who’s provided support one way or another. i love you guys <3<3

special thanks to @lumosinlove for the wonderful story & characters. you are very lovely :))

“DUMO,” Finn yelled as the Dumais’ door slammed open. “God damn, fuck, I’m sorry, oh god—”

“C’est bon, Harz,” Dumo, who had jumped in shock, got up off the couch and made his way over to Finn and Leo, meeting them halfway at the entryway of the living room. 

“I don’t understand,” Leo removed his glasses to rub at his eyes blearily, not bothering with contact lenses at six thirty in the morning. “Pourquoi est-il parti?”

“Je ne sais pas, mais quelque chose a dû lui arriver....”

Finn groaned and shoved Leo lightly. “French, guys.”

“Sorry, mon chéri,” Leo patted Finn’s unruly mop lightly.

Dumo raised an eyebrow at Leo, who yawned, unaware. “Dumo, you’ve got any coffee? I can’t think straight right now.”

Dumo gestured for the two boys to follow him into the kitchen, where he started heating water in the electric kettle. He busied himself with getting three mugs while Finn and Leo plonked themselves at the dining table. 

While Leo was still half asleep, despite dozing on the car ride to the Dumais’, Finn was filled with nervous energy, subconsciously shaking his knee out of habit until Leo softly slapped his thigh under the table to stop him from rocking the table.

None of them said a word, all lost in their own thoughts until Dumo placed the three steaming mugs of coffee on the table, along with creamer and sugar, before sitting down opposite the pair. He took a sip, while Finn and Leo jostled for the creamer and sugar. When they were sufficiently satisfied with their coffees, Finn spoke up again.

“Dumo… You didn’t speak to Logan at all yesterday?” 

“Non, not since before he left the house after training. D’you know where he went?” Dumo gave Finn a significant look, the latter flushing and quickly taking a big gulp of his coffee to avoid meeting the former’s eyes.

After several moments, Finn realised he hadn’t answered. He shrugged in what he hoped looked like a nonchalant way, “We went for lunch, and then he dropped by. He… He left before dinner, so I assumed he, err… I assumed he came back here right away.”

“Ah bon? Celeste and I brought the kids upstairs to bed around ten, and he still hadn’t come back by then.” Dumo frowned into his mug, as though his coffee had the answers to all his problems.

Finn and Leo shared a look, Leo raising his brows meaningfully. He jerked his head ever so slightly in Dumo’s direction, and Finn shook his head sadly, looking down at his hands. 

“And he’s not answering his phone?”

Dumo laughed humourlessly. “Never does, that boy. It’s bad enough on normal days, but I think he’s completely turned his phone off. I can’t get through at all, and his last seen was—”

“Yesterday night. Yeah.” Finn buried his face in his hands.

“Did… Did you try asking the rest of the team? Maybe they’ve seen him,” Leo suggested, running a hand through his messy blonde hair.

“Later, I guess,” Dumo hummed, looking out of the kitchen window. “‘s still a bit early.”

Finn stayed silent, draining the rest of his coffee in one gulp. His knee was shaking again, and Leo didn’t have the heart to stop him this time.

They went down to the basement, greeting a sleepy, bewildered Celeste at the stairs as she made her way to the kitchen. Dumo stayed to exchange terse whispers with her while the other two boys headed down.

Objectively, Logan’s room looked as it always had: his unmade double bed with pillows strewn all over and the duvet half falling off the bed (Why make your bed every morning when you’re just gonna mess it up again at night, hmm Harz? You know I’m right.), his dirty clothes clumsily thrown into a laundry hamper by the door, the small desk cluttered with random knick knacks such as his laptop, several caps that he hadn’t bothered to stow away properly, and a few bottles of cologne. The floor was in an even worse state, however, where a few stray tee shirts that had fallen out of the laundry hamper and a whole array of clothing items that had tumbled out of his wardrobe on the far end of the room. 

Finn approached the mess by his wardrobe, his stomach dropping. Crouching down, he let his hand run over the soft fabric of his red Lions hoodie. The exact one that he was wearing now. He lifted the hoodie up, biting down onto his bottom lip, and let himself fall backwards on his arse, into a sitting position. 

He felt a warm hand on his shoulder, and he turned his head to look up at Leo, wide brown eyes shining with tears. 

“Mon chou…” Leo’s eyes darted around Finn’s face, and he had just started to tug on his hoodie to pull him into a hug when they heard footsteps right outside the door.

Leo quickly stood up and took a step back, shoving his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants just as Dumo walked in.

“I’ve dropped Sirius and James a text, hopefully they’ll have some idea of where he is,” The older man frowned, his voice trembling, looking as heartbroken as Finn felt.

“Thanks, Dumo,” Finn ran his hand through his wild red curls, tugging on them in a weak attempt to calm his nerves. No such luck. “I’m sorry, this mustn’t be easy for you either, yeah?”

Dumo smiled dejectedly. 

“He’s like a son to me. Mon dieu. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never…” He dropped down onto the edge of Logan’s bed, wringing his hands together. “It’s just… He’s been with me for some time now, oui? I can sort of read him. Sometimes even better than he knows himself.”

He looked at Finn once again, who ignored the thundering of his heart in his chest. 

“I’ve noticed something off ever since he came to live with us. I mean… I do think he enjoys staying here, sincerely. We get along well. We all love him... Me and Celeste and the kids. We spend a lot of time at home just, being together, you know? Playing games and talking and watching the telly. We’ve always been close. But there’s just something, something that he’s not telling us. He gets closed off sometimes when we’re talking to him, and some nights he comes home refusing to talk to any of us at all, heading down to his room immediately. But then the next morning, he’ll kiss us all on the cheek, and he’ll take us out for breakfast, as if nothing happened.

“He acts as though he’s fine all the time, and maybe he doesn’t know it himself, but I know. Je la vois. Dad instincts,” Dumo tapped his temple with his pointer finger, the corner of his mouth turning upward slightly, but without a hint of joy. 

Leo sighed and asked Dumo a question, but Finn barely heard it. His mind was running in overdrive.

He knew that they had parted on awkward terms when he got drafted to the Lions, and other than the text reply that came a few days after Finn had messaged him when he had arrived in Gryffindor, they frankly hadn’t talked much for a couple of months. He felt like he had left his heart behind at Harvard, and the homesickness he had felt, combined with the heartbreak over being away from Logan for the first time in years had him feeling very, very lost and unsure. 

Several times, he had stared into his phone for long periods of time, Logan’s contact flashing on his screen, but he had never dared to make the call. Call me when you get there. I want to hear about everything. What would he even have said? Both of them had been in two very different places, and he knew Logan had been missing him too. Would he have just made things worse if he had called? 

So, he never did.

His first interaction with Logan after that had been when the younger boy had graduated. After several unsent drafts, he had finally decided to text Logan a simple Happy graduation, I’m proud of you.

Logan had called him almost immediately, chattering excitedly, and since he had been seemingly in higher spirits, Finn had let him, sitting in his apartment alone, feeling a sense of calm washing over him for the first time in almost a year. 

They had kept in contact regularly afterwards, after both of them had apologised, awkwardly, for not catching up sooner. Logan had not said a word about what had happened during the party two years ago, or the night before he had left Harvard. He had decided to let it slide, though. If ignoring what had happened would give him back his best friend, he’d take it in a heartbeat.

Soon after, Logan had been drafted into the Lions. Finn had felt a whole roller-coaster of emotions: pride, excitement, and love, but also fear and nervousness. He hadn’t known what to expect. Would things be the same between them? Or would their friendship be different, now that they were out of school and past their partying days? Would they still be living together, like they did in school? Would Logan ask to share the apartment with him? Would he ask Logan?

One day, he had woken up to receive news that Logan had chosen to billet with Dumo and his family, and Finn never did have the chance to ask. He had felt as though his heart had been ripped in half, and seeing him during trainings together had been strained and tense for some time after. 

Following one of their team dinners about a month after, they had talked it out, just the two of them, seated on the trunk of his car in the parking lot of Sid’s. Neither of them had really looked at each other. Basked in the warm glow of the streetlamp above them, Finn had never felt colder than he did then. 

Didn’t— Didn’t you think I would’ve asked you to stay with me?

I did. That’s exactly why I didn’t.

Finn had sucked in a deep breath at that, feeling the pain in his chest intensify until he had found it difficult to breathe.

Okay. Yeah, no, it’s alright.

I’m sorry. I couldn’t. I— I couldn’t. 

It hadn’t been alright.

read the rest on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24215410/chapters/58975165 <3

[rolanberry-rebel]

LFRP/Bio: Lissa

I figured I’d do an updated version of this, add a little more info and pizazz.~

Name: Anylissa Sebastis Nicknames: Lissa, Liss; Anny only if you want to get on her bad side. Race: Hyur (midlander) Age: 22 Gender: Cis female Orientation: pansexual Relationship status: Single Profession: Singer, dancer, spoiled dilettante

Height: 5′3″ Weight: 118lbs. Eyes: Dark blue Hair: Black with (artificial) purple-red highlights Skin: Fair, softly sunkissed Build: Petite, more bottom than top Scars/marks/tattoos: small beauty mark near her left eye, and a teensy pair of berries tattooed on her left hip. (Don't tell her parents.) Fashion/accessories: Fun, cute and ostentatious, with lots of gold, lots of jewels, lots of silly accessories and lots of her favorite colors, vivid violets and rolanberry reds. Prefers light fabrics with plenty of skin, in contrast to the stuffy gowns and expensive dresses she has to wear to family functions. Has a whole closet full of shoes and a cupboard full of jewelry and eyeglasses, which she doesn’t actually have to wear for eyesight, but likes to as a fashion accessory.

Birthplace: La Noscea Residence: Her family’s estate, near Wineport Alignment: Chaotic good Hobbies: Singing, dancing, modeling, partying, going to clubs and dive bars, hanging around with the wrong crowd, petty crime, making friends, frivolous spending on pretty clothes, jewelry and accessories, reading fun adventure and romance books Likes: Fun, money, physical activity, art, exciting new experiences, jokes and good-humored people, getting into trouble, free spirits, creative minds, beauty and beautiful things Dislikes: Her family (except for her brothers Riverton and Octavius), ponderous bores, philosophical or stuffy academic conversation, social expectations and high society, religion, emotional ugliness, dishonesty and scheming Personality: Flighty, flirty, loud; silly, chatty, loves to laugh; fast-paced and deeply unserious. Sweet with a side of playful and bratty. Always looking for fun; life of the party, loves to be the center of attention. Kind but immature; air-headed but not naive. Doesn't like applying herself, prefers to have fun. The kind of girl who takes a grumpy and unfashionable friend to the markets to play dress-up and takes lots of selfies along the way, and no matter how annoying she is, you can't help but crack a smile. Virtues: Quick to make friends; she’ll be your friend even if you don’t want her to be, and she’ll come through even if you’re stubborn about it. Always kind. Creatively talented, has a natural skill for music and rhythm especially. A faint affinity for magic, though raw and uncultivated. The Sebastis family blood gives her a streetwise cunning and intuition; you’ll have a hard time getting away with lying to her. Extremely generous; she’s always the one to cover the tab. Deeply loyal and kind-hearted. Bad habits: Laziness; gives up easily. A spendthrift who doesn’t know the value of a gilpiece. Has problems with commitment and responsibilities.Defiant, rebellious and insolent. Smokes, drinks to excess occasionally. Can be counted on to never finish what she starts. Often childish and sometimes needy. Short attention span. Terrible at any kind of fighting unless she gets to cheat.

Significant Other: As an heiress, Lissa’s family have had a spouse planned for her since she was a little girl, as a means of business negotiation. Lissa has no interest in the man and in fact has found him repellent in the few interactions she’s had with him. She has no plans to go marry him and is for all intents and purposes single. Children: None Family: A lot. I’ll have to write a more detailed profile for them eventually. Most relevant to her personally are:

Grandparents: Lissa’s only living grandparent is domineering family matriarch Eugenia Sebastis (nee Marshe), grandmother on her father’s side.

Parents: Cumberland and Marie-Arelle (nee Brattlebrough) Sebastis.

Brothers: Matthias, Riverton, Spaulding, and Octavius, and her brother-in-law Brunas Tiernach, married to her sister Allure.

Sisters: Allure Tiernach (nee Sebastis) and sister-in-law Brietha Sebastis (nee Verias).

Aunts, Uncles: She has many, but most important are her great-aunt Lucia Windholme, her father’s sisters Louisette and Bedelinda, her father’s brother Arvram, and her mother’s brother Tanner.

Cousins: Again, a lot, but notably her elder first cousin Chauncer (great-aunt Lucia’s son), whose Costa del Sol bungalow Lissa holes up in a lot, and her second-cousins Barnabath and Ava Donncaster, who she visits in Kugane fairly frequently.

Friends: A lot! I’ll write stories about a lot of the non-PC ones eventually, but she always loves having more. Always up for writing pre-existing friendships, too, if you wanna be one of them!

High society: If you're a part of, or well-acquainted with, the aristocratic side of Eorzean society, you've most likely heard of the Sebastis family. You may have even heard about the pretty and troublesome young scion of theirs, always bringing shame on the family name. High finance: Any character with a background in business or tradecraft or who has a good amount of wealth themselves has probably done some sort of business with Lissa's family or its proxies. Family business: Lissa has tons of family, all of them involved in various legit and shady business schemes across all of Hydaelyn. You may have encountered one of them - as friends, rivals, employees - and you might eventually parlay that into some sort of exchange with Cumberland Sebastis’s bratty younger daughter. il Mercenario: As it turns out, when you run a big family business, sometimes things get rough, and more often than not, it pays to have a few sturdy sellswords at your side. If you operate as a mercenary, particularly working inside La Noscea, you may find yourself hired to shadow or protect some billionaire berry-farmer's bratty daughter. Alternatively, you may have been hired by a shady business rival to, well, 'take care' of her. Drinks and dives: Sometimes you just want some peace, quiet, and a mug of the good stuff to yourself, right? There's no better place for that sort of local color than the scummiest holes-in-the-wall. But for some reason, some irritating girl keeps showing up at all your favorite watering holes, insistent on making herself life of the party... Low lives: You run a small gang, crime syndicate, or have a background in raising a firm little bit of hell. You're known and you might even be a tad feared by the underground. So why in the world is this loud-mouthed rich girl weaseling her way into your escapades? Who knows. Maybe she'll come in handy as a distraction or something. Fashionista: Talent can be so hard to come by, and even when you find it, in the fashion world you're bound to run into an unending stream of selfish divas. But hey, you need someone to show off your new spring threads, right? There just happens to be an heiress from Wineport with a knack for pretty clothes, pretty poses and a powerful strut. She might even be willing to give you some fashion advice of her own, too!

Hi! I’ve been RPing forever and I’m lookin for new friends!

Adult female OOCly who’s RPed in every game you can probably think of and happy RPing lots of themes/scene types so long as we talk about it beforehand.

Available at random times, usually late evenings EST. Will always try to respond to private messages here no matter when you send them though!

Discord: I’m not on there very much, but I know it’s become a big way for a lotta people to do most of their OOC communication/RP threads so I’m willing to get on there if you wanna talk!

In-game: Anylissa Sebastis (Balmung) or Kjalla Nisemi (Mateus)

I have another character, too, so if Lissa doesn’t seem like a great fit we can talk about stories/threads with my violent bunny mercenary Kjalla!

[kagetsukai]

OTP ship questions

So... this ship questions list has been making the rounds, and since I’m neck-deep in trying to finish up the story for Sam and Benji, I’ve decided to fill out ALL OF THEM. In one go. I’m extra, sue me.

(under a cut cuz I actually like you people) :P

PRE-RELATIONSHIP

1. How did they first meet?

Sam moved to Wayhaven and into Benji’s apartment complex. They didn’t start talking until Sam was getting mugged while on her run, Benji jumped in to help her, and then she punched him on accident. Benji does like to call it “love at first punch”

2. What was their first impression of each other?

Total heart eyes on both sides. They are both total cuties and they were eyeing each other before they actually started talking. Benji thought Sam was a little withdrawn and grumpy, while Sam thought Benji was really weird for grinning like a maniac all the time.

3. Did any of their friends or family want them to get together?

I mean, Tina was the driving force from the very beginning and super invested in those two idiots getting together. Once it was apparent how cute Sam and Benji were together, the entire damn town wanted them to get/stay together. Sam’s cousin Liz was like “please enjoy yourself with the man”. Hell, even Benji’s ex was happy for them!

4. Who felt romantic feelings first?

Benji. The man wears his heart on his sleeve AND is incapable of holding back. He also has more experience with knowing what such emotions feel like so he can recognize them quicker. He’ll also claim that he fell in love with Sam the moment she punched him, so there’s that.

5. Did either of them try to resist their feelings?

Both of them, actually! There’s a time limit on how long Sam will be staying in Wayhaven so both of them knew falling in love was a very bad idea. But they are so well-suited for each other that it was inevitable.

6. If you had told one of them that the other would be their soulmate, what would they think?

I think there would be an overwhelming “hell yeah!” on both accounts, because of how strongly they feel for each other. Sam would feel a sense of relief, because she grew up hearing stories of how her sperm donor (aka bio dad) just impregnated her mother and left her behind, so knowing Benji would actually stay and love her would be a happy news. Benji would be ecstatic to know Sam is his soulmate and would probably tell everybody who stopped long enough to be told. Deep down, he’d still doubt himself and the knowledge, because he has a long history of abandonment. Even with regular reminders, he’d still be afraid that Sam would decide one day that there had been a mistake and leave.

7. What would their lives be like if they had never met?

Sam would become a bonafide workaholic with a limited number of friends - to Liz’s constant frustration. If she managed to find someone that she liked well enough, she’d probably settle down with them eventually, but maybe not feel a great passion for them. Just a decent, average life in California.

Benji would have gotten together with Felix and have a happy, fulfilled life with him. He’d probably get turned into a vampire at some point, too.

GENERAL

1. Who initiated the relationship, and how did it go?

Benji initiated it. Sam rejected the idea of dating at first, but after some cajoling, she agreed to keep going out with him.

2. Did they have an official first date? If so, what was it like?

The first date was very casual and not really an official date - they went for dinner at a crab shack. Their second date was a little more dressy, with a dinner and a movie, and they both put in more effort into everything.

3. What was their first kiss like?

Amazing. Sam got a little tipsy and decided to leave a lipstick print on Benji’s neck as a way of “flirting”. Since the man is a slut for neck kisses, he took that as an invitation to have proper kisses and smooched her senseless right there and then. Sam did NOT complain.

4. Were they each other’s first anything (kiss, relationship, etc.)?

Sam had never had sex with a man before Benji (only had experiences with women), so it was a big deal when it happened. Benji made sure to take it slow and gave her a fantastic first-time experience.

5. What’s their height difference? Age difference?

Sam is 5’10 and Benji is 6’3, so there’s about 5 inches of difference between them. There’s about 2.5 years of difference between them in age.

6. What’s their relationship with each other’s families?

Sam ends up having a decent relationship with Rebecca, after some time. It’s a little difficult to interact with someone who is barely around, but Sam tries to be nice all the same (since it’s important to Benji). She definitely has a much closer relationship with Benji’s found family, Tina and all the older ladies who appointed themselves Benji’s guardians. They all love Sam dearly and the feeling is mutual.

Benji has a fantastic relationship with Liz and her husband/kids. The kids in particular looooove hanging off Benji and using him like a jungle gym. Benji and Liz have this pact of sorts where they would murder a bitch in order to protect Sam from harm - and be each other’s alibi, too. They did start off on a slightly wrong foot, but it got cleared up quickly. That being said, Benji is not fond of Sam’s extended family - they can be challenging.

7. Who takes the lead in social situations?

Benji, always. He’s the resident extrovert and will behave like a shield for when Sam feels overwhelmed with crowds or situations.

8. Who gets jealous easier?

Benji. He rarely acts on the emotion, though. At the beginning of the relationship, he’d just get quiet and in his own head a lot; later on he’d casually bring it to Sam to make sure he has nothing to worry about. 

Sam still gets jealous, though it’s not as common. After all, her man is fucking sexy and *of course* women would want to poach him. Gotta stay vigilant.

9. Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear?

They are BOTH culprits of that one. Very often those are VERY explicit things, but mostly it’s just passing comments or even just sexy glances. Those two are *into* each other.

LOVE

1. Who said “I love you” first?

Sam, strangely enough. Having your life flash before your eyes sure makes you more willing to take chances with love ;)

2. What are their primary love languages?

Sam

Give: Acts of service, touch Receive: Quality time, touch

Benji: Give: Quality time, touch Receive: Touch, quality time

3. Who uses cheesy pick-up lines?

Benji, hands down. He’s a cheeseball.

4. How often do they cuddle/engage in PDA?

As often as they can get away with it. They are both touch starved idiots with a variety of abandonment issues, so being glued to each other is a natural state for them.

5. Who initiates kisses?

Benji, more often than not. He craves that physical reassurance from Sam ALL the time.

6. Who’s the big and little spoon?

Benji will want to be the little spoon as often as he can get away with it. He loves being held and having his hair played with, so settling half of his body into Sam’s lap is literally his favorite thing. That being said, when they sleep, he’s usually the big spoon.

7. What are their favorite things to do together?

Hiking and being active. When Benji was recovering from his stint at the hospital after Murphy, Sam would go with him on hikes to make sure he wasn’t pushing himself too much physically. Then they never stopped. Benji loves going places to photograph Sam for the millionth time. They will also go to the gym together, if their schedules align. They also love doing the couch potato things together: watching movies/Netflix or him playing video games while her feet are draped all over him as she reads her current murder mystery.

8. Who’s better at comforting the other?

Sam might be just a little better at it than Benji, but only because he has shitty impulse control and often will blurt out things he shouldn’t. Sam will generally sit and listen to Benji, cuddle him, pet his hair, etc. Benji will do similar things, but his need to crack jokes about inappropriate things gets him in trouble relatively often.

9. Who’s more protective?

Benji. He would NOT hesitate to murder a person in cold blood to keep Sam safe. It’s not exactly a healthy thing, but we all know the man needs therapy.

10. Do they prefer verbal or physical affection?

Benji is a cuddle monster and would be wrapped around Sam 24/7 if allowed. That being said, since Sam is a little reserved about verbalizing her feelings for him, anytime she says “I love you” first, he feels absolutely ecstatic.

Sam’s family wasn’t a very outwardly affectionate people, so she’s not used to either type of displays? That being said, since Benji is always a walking furnace, she absolutely loves when he gives her cuddles. It’s her favorite thing.

11. What are some songs that apply to their relationship, in-universe or otherwise?

*opens up their playlist*

Camila Cabello - Easy Amber Run - I Found Dermot Kennedy - Power Over Me X Ambassador - Unsteady Hozier - Work Song

12. What kind of nicknames do they call each other?

Benji calls Sam “baby” all the time. She usually just calls him Benji, but also occasionally “mi carino” or “my love”. Pretty sure he dies every time she calls him “my love”.

13. Who remembers the little things?

I feel like they’re both pretty good about remembering the little things. Sam is better about remembering significant dates, but that’s because she has a digital calendar and isn’t afraid to use it :P

DOMESTIC LIFE

1. If they get married, who proposes?

Benji is the one who proposes. It happens on a random night while getting ready for bed, while they’re both in the bathroom in their bedclothes. It’s adorable and very them.

2. What’s the wedding like? Who attends?

The wedding would most likely happen in Wayhaven. I can’t imagine either Benji or Sam wanting a huge ceremony, but since they’ve become the town’s favorite lovebirds, it kind of goes out of control. Once some of their supernatural friends get involved, it really goes a little crazy. It ends up happening at a city park so it can fit all of the attendees. Some of Sam’s family flies in from out of town. Tina is Benji’s best “man” and Liz is Sam’s matron of honor. Benji absolutely loses his shit when he sees Sam in the wedding dress walking down the aisle and totally disrupts the ceremony to try to kiss her out of turn. Other than a ridiculous number of people there (seriously, probably at least half of the town shows up), it’s a pretty chill party, with lots of remembrance of Sam’s mom and Benji’s dad. Let’s just say it was a good day :)

3. How many kids do they have, if any? What are they like?

There are a few AUs for these dorks, but in most of those they have two kids: a girl and a boy. Ella is precocious, outgoing, clever, and energetic. Liam is a giant cuddle bug with a gorgeous smile and a big heart, who prefers to tinker with things in a workshop than get involved with his older sister’s shenanigans.

4. Do they have any pets?

They eventually end up with two dogs that they take on their hikes. They only have one dog for the longest time because apartment living isn’t exactly conducive to pet ownership. Once they get a house, they expand their menagerie. There might be a stray cat they sorta adopt, too.

5. Who’s the stricter parent?

Sam, hands down. Benji is a giant pushover for his wife and children, and would let his kids climb all over him, as long as they were happy.

6. Who worries the most?

That really depends on what about. Benji is perpetually worried about keeping his family safe and provided for. Sam has anxiety about a variety of small things and it’s not hard for her to worry about random stuff.

7. Who kills the bugs in the house?

Depends on the bugs. Benji loathes spiders so Sam’s in charge of removing those. Sam absolutely cannot deal with centipedes and roaches, so Benji gets to kill those.

8. How do they celebrate holidays?

When it’s just the two of them, they either go visit one of their friends in town and spend it with them. Once kids arrive, they do holidays at home and tend to go big in the food department. Rebecca is always invited, but it depends on whether she can make it that time or not. They like it when holidays are warm and filled with happiness/laughter.

9. Who’s more likely to convince the other to come back to sleep in the morning?

Benji. If he’s not working that morning, he would not want to leave the bed and would do everything in his power to keep Sam in there.

10. Who’s the better cook?

Sam. Benji isn’t terrible at it, but Sam is so much better that he rarely bothers with it. Also, Sam tends to treat cooking as stress relief (chopping veggies is great anger management), so he lets her do the thing in peace. That being said, if she’s too tired to cook, or it’s been a long day, or the kids are demanding her attention, Benji feels comfortable enough in the kitchen to take over and make dinner.

11. Who likes to dance?

Sam, hands down. Her mom loved to dance so she grew up around it. Unfortunately, Benji has two left feet so she doesn’t have many opportunities to flex those muscles (outside of occasional slow-dancing in the kitchen). She will occasionally drag Tina out for a night of dancing and go to a salsa club. It can really hit the spot.

[cosmictsukii]

Clear those records!

Records? Are you curious what I mean by them? Clearing what records? . . . Oh, I am talking about your Akashic Records, of course!

Do you ever feel like life isn’t getting better? Feeling like you can’t get ahead in your life, that something just keeps causing roadblocks? Well, let me tell you... if you clear your records, and remove those energetic cords & contracts, you will get further along. Now, don’t get me wrong, there are other things that may be holding you back. But, let us just start at the beginning.

If you do not know what the Akashic Records are, they contain all data sets from the many lifetimes of being a human on this beautiful planet Earth! However, the data sets contained within the records only include events that have a very strong emotional charge to them. For example, let us say you took a walk every morning at 6am for years. This probably won’t be stored in your records. However, if one morning you go for a walk and got mugged by someone, or hit by a car, chances are it’ll be stored. You just encountered a big event in your lifetime! These events can be positive or negative, depending on how much of an impact they made on you.

Moving on... now consider you have many, many lifetimes on Earth. You experience important events in each of these lifetimes, yes? Each of these events carry over into each lifetime, creating what we call the Akashic loop. You relive certain events, over and over, without any realization. They may occur around certain seasons, dates, holidays, etc. They can be random times of the year, but usually reoccur under certain circumstances. These records may even warp through each lifetime, changing ever so slightly, yet keeping the same theme. Feel in a rut for no reason? Overly excited, but can’t figure out why? You have a loop running! This isn’t to say we want to remove all Akashic Records since the “positive” ones can serve great purpose to us. But... why did these even start? What is the purpose?

There is a possibility that they formed solely from the emotional charge, causing a triggering event to follow each time. However, they can also be created in the point of origin lifetime. Point of origin? What is that? The point of origin, or POO, is the original point at which a specific Akashic Record was formed. These records can form out of traumatic events, amazing times, or because we got bored and decided to try something new. “No way! That sounds silly, right?” Well, yes, but no. Let’s say you wanted to experience something new in an older lifetime. You are getting ready to reincarnate in the 1400′s. Hmm... you think, what can I do in this lifetime? Oh wait! I have not lived in poverty yet. Yes, let’s try that one out! You incarnate and well, you live a very low income lifestyle. You don’t store any emotions to this event in this lifetime... but it seems to keep continuing in the next one...and next one, and so forth. All of your lives after the POO cause that triggering feeling to occur. This is where the loop starts. Honestly, I think we were drunk when we came up with these decisions, but you don’t have to take my word for it~

Finally, we have our cords & contracts. These are similar, but different in their own sense. Cords exist between us and other people, whether its family, friends, significant others, etc. Cords can exist on their own, but contracts cannot. Contracts always coexist with a cord. We can have many cords to one person, that branch off to many others. It can become quite the mess if we don’t deal with it! There is a lot more to this, but I will discuss it another time. 

I will go into this discussion more next time, with new topics to discuss. I hope you enjoy and follow along for more of this spiritual “woo woo”

[project-ohagi]

Tamaki Amajiki x Reader - Christmas Scenario

Buy me a coffee!! <3

As you snuggled your fatigued body further into that feather-soft armchair, clutching a steaming mug of hot chocolate and silently devouring the serenity of the gently-kindling fire, a sense of complete gratitude and relaxation set your veins alight. The final breaths of the year were beginning to dwindle, and the incandescent lights painted the city with colour and joviality. From your vantage point in this quaint café, everything was visible - illuminated pavements awash with last-minute buyers, carolers conversing with the spirit of Christmas, in their very highest pitches...

Festive magic seeped into your heart, to which perhaps the unyielding snow was at fault. Perfection, however, was merely a moment away, for the blinding beauty of the moon was soon to follow. That was, if your beloved had triple-checked the messages he received, ensuring he arrived at the correct café this time. A sigh escaped the cold confides of your lips, swirling the liquid of your drink. It was one of contentment, though, accompanied by a playful giggle. Tamaki wasn't the type to whom frivolous emotions such as anger and weariness were directed. That boy was simply too precious, too timid and golden-hearted to ever spark mistrust or resentment. Therefore, despite the fact that he was quite obviously running late, forgiveness was already on the tip of your tongue. You wished for his comforting presence, and the warmth which forever enticed you into his embrace.

After all, what was the month of celebration and glee, if you couldn't spend it with those whom you adored?

No sooner had this thought penetrated your mind, than a bell rang out faintly. Too exhausted and focused on the ever-burning fire, you didn't turn to the intruder - the one to whom you now owed a little shiver, and a chattering of teeth. Although, you took this in stride, deciding not to chastise your beloved for nearly submitting you to frostbite. Tamaki glided over to the opposing armchair, sitting and immediately fidgeting with his hands.

"Hi, Tama..." You trailed off, entranced by the dancing of flames in the hearth.

The addressee, noticing your fixation, smiled fondly. "Hi, (Y/n)..."

Another blissful sigh, then a sip of hot chocolate. The half-a-chocolate-bar (which you had secretly added earlier) clumped at the bottom of the mug, prompting you to guide the remainder of your drink towards it, whilst praying for a dissolution. This momentary distraction from the hypnotic pulsing of flames allowed Tamaki to safely watch, admiring how the soft glow basked your features in a spellbindingly-ethereal radiance. Not that you weren't always the epitome of gorgeous! Oh, to high heavens - his own imaginings were embarrassing and overly-rose-tinted! But...he just couldn't help it! Truth be told, you were the angel perched atop Tamaki's heart - each flutter of your velvet wings signalling another beat, beat, beat, as you showered him with stardust and planted gentle kisses along his veins.

What was he, amidst your star-infested, (e/c) eyes? A simple classmate? A mere friend? A potential love interest? A god? Certainly, you embodied all the positive qualities of a goddess, but whom would you allocate at your side? Would every whimsical dream, every random thought of you, provide insight into your future? Dreams, after all, often bleed into reality. A dream is typically an untapped desire, but could it possibly contain a deeper meaning? A meaning more earth-shattering, more real, than his wildest hopes? A crimson hue manifested on his cheeks, but he couldn't blame it on the fire.

Swallowing down his insecurities, he mumbled, "I know I was late, and I'm sorry...but...but I wanted to get something for - for you."

Breaking free from the hot chocolate's most diabolical spell, a sleepy grin settling on your lips, you softly hummed a response, drinking in his melodious voice as if it were the last sound on Earth. Your eyes betrayed your drowsiness, as they flickered open and closed intermittently. Still, you grappled the chords of Tamaki's throat, half-curious, half-enamoured. His speech was fluid, seldom severed by anxiety, and you were proud, oh so proud. Producing a small box, which he cradled with shivering hands, Tamaki shuffled a little closer to you. He deposited it in your lap, blinking and shuddering as the warmth enveloped his entire being...It wasn't simply from the raging embers, nor the sparks that flew when your fingers touched.

It was difficult to describe, but...he sensed an inviting spirit, a loving spirit. The force of these lingering ghouls sent him sprawling backwards, into his chair. Meanwhile, you picked at the bow, wondering at the significance of the item inside. It clearly couldn't wait another thirteen days, so it had to be something Tamaki would consider precious - something complimentary to you, and you alone. Before opening it, you risked a single glance towards Tamaki, but his head was lowered, hands veiling his eyes. Inside, a beautiful, jewel-encrusted ring sat upon a silk pillow. Tears pricked at the corners of your eyes, as your mind worked to understand the meaning behind the gift.

"Oh, Tamaki..." You started, voice cracking ever-so-slightly. "...It's gorgeous."

"Y-You like it? Thank goodness..."

Slipping it on to your finger, you venerated it in the dwindling fire-light.

"I love it, Tama. But...surely it must have been expensive?"

"I d-don't care how much I spend on you, (Y/n)...as - as long as you're happy..." He muttered, adoring how the material symbol of his utter love and devotion fit so snugly around your finger.

A sleepy giggle echoed in his ears, only adding to the scarlet blush already tickling his cheeks.

"This is kind of like an engagement ring, huh, Tama?"

[Word Count: 936]