#there is just way too many photos n videos of disinterest

[dogwittaablog]

nolan is soooo forced to be at the function vibes when it came to the wives carnival but even outside at the skate zone it was like 🙄. i just know he was there like 'maybe if i take an hour and a half to 2hrs to get ready and leave they’ll all be gone by that point🤔.' and tk would ruin that plan

You couldn’t even pay him to look interested… I can see him purposely take 30 minutes to put on each pair of his socks… I just know he makes sure to take his sweet ass when heading over to certain events.

[seungminotes]

A Walk Home 

best friends to lovers w/ Kim Seungmin

a/n: I'm back from my hiatus and happy to say that I really like this piece tho it got kinda dramatic lmao hope you like it too! Always feel free to leave feedback!

Word Count: 2.8k

Warnings: cursing (like twice?) / gender neutral (please tell me if I messed up with something) / sort of slow-burn and not much payoff but I'd like to think it's very fluffy throughout!

"What took you so long today? I've been waiting here for at least 5 minutes," Seungmin complained at the sight of you finally approaching him. 

It usually didn't take you this long to reach him from your last class, heck sometimes he even had to drink water and you'd get to your usual meeting spot before him. 

Seungmin wasn't particularly the best at waiting on others, for whatever the reason really, he would have probably left anybody else behind by now. But alas, it was you he had been waiting for, and if facing the possibility of having to wait even longer for you, he most likely would. 

"Sorry, I had to talk to someone before leaving," you smiled at your friend, who was now pouting slightly.

You reached up to pinch his cheeks only for him to slap your hands away. 

"No pinching, let's go," he grabbed your wrist, dragging you in the direction of your usual route home. 

You'd known Seungmin for nearly six years now. Having met him when you both were in middle school after moving to the then new town, Seungmin had once been quite fickle towards you, but once he got over his initial disinterest, he realized you were quite special. You'd spotted him taking pictures of the daisies in his front lawn and annoyed him to no end to explain his interest in them. You remember the day vividly, especially now that the firm grip Seungmin held on your wrist highly resembled the same he held on that very first day you met him. 

-

"Aren't daisies a bit plain?" You snuck up behind the boy crouching in an awkward position, clutching his camera so tight his fingers were losing color. 

Seungmin held no reaction to the sudden appearance of someone around his own age spying on him from the sidewalk in front of his own home. In fact, he sighed with a tinge of annoyance at your unwithheld statement and hardly looked up at you, why couldn’t people mind their own business, he thought to himself. 

"I find them quite interesting, actually." He deadpanned, no intention of expanding upon his opinion to someone who he already deemed to be unworthy of his time.

Damn Seungmin was quite stubborn back then, he had barely even glanced at you, but good thing you were quite nosy. 

"How come?" You inquired further. 

Thirteen-year-old Seungmin was not in the mood to explain the complexities of a perfectly amazing daisy to someone who would most likely not care as much as he did about capturing their beauty. 

Nonetheless, he glanced back to where he had seen you standing to notice your figure now hunched over, examining a daisy closely, nose almost touching it's petals, as your lips parted slightly to blow softly onto the flower, clearly in your own little world.

Your rather odd gestures told him you may actually be interested in what could possibly be interesting about the small flowers sparse all over his lawn. 

He slowly approached you, more aware of your presence than before, and snapped God knows how many photos of your posing.

That was at least until he saw your hand reach up to pick the delicate flower from its stem. That’s where he drew the line! Promptly walking over to you and tightly withholding your hand with his awkward grip on your wrist. 

You’d taken the opportunity to look into his big, brown eyes and examine his now blushed face, ultimately deciding this boy was inexplicably ethereal. You could drown in the deepness of his irises and the urge to pinch his pouty cheeks was overpowering your own sense of respectfulness to this stranger. 

-

You remember how he later apologized and  quietly explained to you the meaning of daisies. After bringing out two peanut butter jelly sandwiches from the kitchen onto his porch, where the both of you shared the lunch, he began to ramble on to you about the perfections of a simple flower that was not so simple at all and it's symbolism of true love. 

And from that very moment on, you knew you had fallen in love with Kim Seungmin, the nerd next door who explained the very composition of flowers to you over a sandwich at age 13. 

And unbeknownst to you, Kim Seungmin had developed a disgustingly soft spot in his heart for his absent-minded  new friend next door. 

-

Nothing much had changed now. You were still hopelessly in love with Seungmin, who was as focused as ever on his studies and baseball team activities just six years later. 

-

The memory and realization fade just as soon as it came to you with Seungmin's grip on your wrist, which now that you look back down was still quite firm about a minute into your usual walk home. 

Though you could almost guarantee it wasn't anything intentionally done by Seungmin, it didn't fail to put a stupid smile on your face. 

So far Seungmin had noticed your rather quiet disposition, something he deemed off about you.

"Are you okay?" He asked. 

"Perfectly fine," you grinned, narrowing your eyes into happy crescents as you lifted the arm that currently clinged Seungmin's own hand, much to his embarrassment. 

He'd quickly released your arm at your teasing, opting to scratch the back of his head as he scoffed. 

"Who'd you stay to talk with today?" He asked. You'd assumed he was simply trying to change the subject from his embarrassment, but in fact, the thought of who you could have possibly spent just five minutes with after school had been eating him alive for the past minute. You had never made him wait, at least not without some sort of warning.

"Just a guy in my chem class, I met him by my locker on the way out," you responded, not giving your answer much thought. 

"What did he want?" He asked again. 

Seungmin sure had been asking an awful lot today. 

"Don't be so nosy, Seungmin! It really doesn’t suit you. It doesn't really matter much anyway. And how do you know I wasn't the one who wanted something from him, huh?" You teased him slightly, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

"Can't I ask about the whereabouts of my best friend when they leave me out in the hot, melting sun waiting for them!" He teased back, stopping in his tracks to begin to poke your sides harshly.

"Fine, fine, fine!" You give in. "Just stopppppp," you shook his hands away.

"Hyunjin offered to tutor me in chem. I'm officially failing," you laugh off, "he wanted to ask what days we should schedule our study sessions for." You explained.

"Wait, Hyunjin? As in Hwang Hyunjin? The pretty one?" Seungmin's eyes widen at the thought of a rather good looking and outgoing guy offering you tutoring lessons out of the goodness of his heart, he almost scoffs out loud. 

"Stop asking so many questions, Min!" You softly punch his arm, bursting his thought bubble. 

"Besides, 'the pretty one', Min? I didn't know you liked Hyunjin like that? Want me to put in a good word for you?" You teased further, laughing at his choice of words. Sure, Hyunjin was pretty well known by most for his good looks, but he had simply offered you help in your studies in a subject he happened to excel in and that had no such thing to do with his looks. 

"Shut up," he rolled his eyes, taking his turn to lightly punch you back from before. 

Afterwards the walk fell to a comfortable silence between the two of  you. 

At least that was how you would describe it to be. While you happily hummed and thought of what snacks you could whip up once you got home, Seungmin seriously pondered why you hadn't told him you weren't doing so well in chemistry. Or why you hadn't come to him for help first, he had already taken the class after all? And why the very thought of Hwang Hyunjin being with you by your locker afterschool while he had to wait outside for you made him so uncomfortable. Was uncomfortable the right word in this situation? He thought some more and concluded the thought of Hyunjin near you at all made him exceptionally mad, not just uncomfortable, for whatever the reason may have been (though he did have a hunch as to why he was feeling this way).

You looked over at the quiet boy next to you, noticing his intense state of thought, as he harshly bit his lower lip, furrowed his eyebrows slightly and kept an adamant gaze ahead of him. The sight was quite cute actually, cute enough to make you laugh. 

"Earth to Kim Seungmin, you are wanted here immediately, please report for duty," you giggled, dramatically waving your arm in front of his face to snap him out of his daze. 

"Sorry," Seungmin suddenly looks at you, cheeks hot and hands clenched onto the straps of his backpack. 

His gaze is not like anything you'd ever seen come from him. It looks serious, yet almost sad? The way his eyes look glossed over have you wanting to kiss his cheeks and lift the corners of his mouth to reveal his signature smile, the one you love so much.

But you know better than to let your imagination get the best of you and you quickly shake your head to get rid of such thoughts about your best friend in his very presence.

"No worries, just talk to me if you need to, okay?" You reach over to comfort him, rubbing his arm softly in assurance of your words. 

Little did you know you were killing Seungmin RIP. 

You were now approaching your front porch, ready to whip out your keys and say home sweet home. Seungmin always came over for a bit after school to talk and mess around a bit before starting homework and today was no different. 

But just as you opened the door with the thought about what video game Seungmin would want to play today floating in your head, you noticed the boy had yet to move from the step of the porch. 

"Seungmin? Don't you want to come in?" You walked back over to him, choosing to stay standing on the step above him. 

"Y/n," he practically whispered. 

Suddenly, at this close proximity, you realize the tension in his face and the worry behind his eyes and the burning of his cheeks. 

You softly reach over and unclasp one of Seungmin's hands from the strap of his bag, taking his hand into your own and rubbing your thumb over his numb knuckles for comfort. 

"Are you okay Minnie? Do you need water? Are you sick?" You reach up to his forehead with your other hand to check his temperature. 

"No, I just think I need to tell you something, now." He spoke formally, no hint of his usual teasing or playfulness when it came to you. 

You could only nod at his strange current state, you were quite concerned. 

"Don't take Hyunjin's help." He stated firmly, as if reading it from a list of rules. His serious disposition did not falter one bit, as if he had given out the most simple order. 

"Is this what this is about? Min, how am I supposed to pass that dumb class. Seungmin I'm failing, like with an F, I know you don't know what that's like, but neither did I until now and I have to fix it somehow! We can't all be straight A students without even having to try!" You were practically tearing up at the intensity of which your words came out, you'd slightly lost control of your emotions in the moment, but Seungmin remained calm through the sharp words you threw, knowing you were simply frustrated with your grades and held no ill intentions with them. 

"I can help you study, I can stay with you at the library all day explaining it to you if I have to, I'll take notes on your textbook and give them to you. Why didn't you tell me you needed help sooner?" He looked at you even more intensely, if that were even possibly. Then reaching over, he held your free hand in his own free hand. 

At this point the worry in his eyes only made you want to hug him for the rest of your life, but there was so much tension surrounding the two of you right now.

"Min, you don't have to do that. If you don't want me getting help from Hyunjin, I won't. I trust you. But you don't have to waste your time being my teacher, trust me on that, you'll regret it." You attempt to laugh off your answer while swinging his hands in yours to lighten the mood, even if it's just a bit. Unfortunately, your teary eyes from your previous outburst give you away as a tear rolls down your cheek. 

Seungmin was unsure about how to go about this further. He wasn't sure how you didn't seem to get it? That he would sacrifice his sleep to help you pass a class, just so he could be the one to help you, not some Hwang Hyunjin. That he wouldn't hesitate to do anything, and he means anything, if you simply asked. That he currently had more photos of you on his camera and phone than he did selfies of himself. That he liked you for fuck's sake. How could you have not seen it in his blushy mess of a nervous state right now. Was he really that freaking deep in the friendzone? 

"I want to waste my time teaching you chemistry because I know I won't regret it. Because I'd never regret time spent with you." His words remained calm and precise, again as if he had prepared them and read them off a notecard. He looked down at his shoes, unable to confront you after the cheesy words left his mouth. 

He felt his hands begin to moisten with sweat in your grasp and tried to remove them from your hands. However he was met with your refusal, as your hands tightly gripped his own. 

"Kim Seungmin, I like you. Like really like you. Like, like-like you. And you cannot say those things to me and be protective of me and be cheesy with me and expect me not to want to just hug you and kiss you as if we weren't just best friends!" You blurted, in a sing-song whine much like your usual tone with your best friend.

You took in a very long breath of frustration and looked down as well. 

You were so caught up in thoughts of the implications of the words that had left your mouth so quickly, that you did not bother to notice how Seungmin had in fact perked up at your words and practically resembled a tomato at this point, not that you looked any less of the shade of red.

“Wait what????” Seungmin was awestruck from your outburst, was he hallucinating? This was not the time for his imagination. 

“There is no way, I’m repeating that,” you pouted.

“Not even if, I tell you I feel the same?” Seungmin smiled.

“Maybe after…” you swung your intertwined hand again.

“After ….?” he mocks

Seungmin suddenly closes the already small distance between the two of you and lands his soft lips just barely on the surface of your cheek. 

“Can you say it again now?” he teases. 

All tension dispelled, the mood is suffocating with the puppy love-struck expressions emitting from both your eyes. 

- 

“Seungmin, how can you kiss me before you even tell me you like me?” 

You’re both inside now, after your apparently long-awaited confession, Seungmin had decided a cuddle session was called for in celebration, not that you were complaining. 

“I thought it was just obvious?” Seungmin replies 

“We could have been dating for so long by now,” You both sigh to one another at the thought you’d both had looming in your heads for the past hour.

“Guess we’ll just have to make up for lost time,” Minnie nuzzles his head into your neck trying to hide from his own sly remark. 

“Can we study chem now though, I’m still failing,” You whisper into his ear, the notion of that failing grade still very much prominent in your head. 

“In a bit, do you know how long I’ve waited for this?” The arms around your waist tighter their loose grip and Seungmin pulls you even closer to him, enough to feel the warmth emitting from his chest and suddenly you thought chem could wait.

[strongsassysexysloane]

Ain’t Life A B*tch - Chap 2

Well for me... aint editing a bitch so I’m sorry if there are mistakes but I’m finding it hard to concentrate lately. 36th day in Quarantine!! 

Chapter 1 if you need a refresher or whatever :)

. . . . / 2 / . . .

The next week was spent sorting through forms and getting your new probie up to speed. She was a young buck, raised in New York, father was a cop and mum was a naval officer. So serve and protect was in her blood as she'd say. Alex Edison was her name but she preferred to go by Eddie, a nickname she hated in school but grew to love when she got older.

You managed to video call your other Agent who was flying in from Miami on the weekend. He had to sort a few more things before making the move permanently to DC. Agent Hunter, Ben Hunter, was how he introduced himself and you couldn't help but roll your eyes. You'd met him once when his case brought him to your ship a few years ago. You worked well and was happy when Vance mentioned his name as a candidate for your new team.  

"Ok, Alex. You got the form for HR?" You sighed, leaning back in your chair. You desk was perfectly positioned the next row over from Gibbs Team which meant you heard and saw almost everything that happened over there. They'd been chasing a murderer for over a week now. Everyone was running on fumes. Especially Gibbs and you couldn't help but cringe a few times when he yelled at his team.

Eddie was shocked the first time she heard him yell and you reassured her that it was ok. Her face clearly didn't believe you though.

"Just about." She answered tapping away at her computer, her desk was beside yours. So you could see her screen when you leaned back in your seat. She'd added a few picture frames around her desk, one of her dog, another of her and her mum and the third was an old grey and white photo of her grandparents.

You smiled as she hurried up. "All good, once you've finished that. Send it to HR and if you want we can grab a drink?" You suggest, it had been a paper heavy week and you needed to unwind away from a computer screen.

"Aww, I need a drink." A sad voice piped up from over the divider.

You twirled your chair around to see Ellie standing and looking over at you. You'd managed to chat to her a few times, mainly in the break room when she escaped to get a snack which was quite often. "You're more than welcome to join."

She smiled at your offer but her eyes darted down to where Gibbs mustve been sitting and you shrug. It was almost 1800 on Friday. They hadn't had a break in the case all day, you knew because you caught their huffs and complaints about it all day. "Gibbs?" Ellie said with so much hope, you could tell by the bags under her young eyes that they'd been working longer hours than usual.

"Yeah, there's nothing we can do tonight."

"You can join to if you want Gibbs." You shout and laugh at Ellie's and Eddie's reaction to his invitation. You knew all too well what his reply was going to be, what it always would be in the middle of a case with no leads.

Gibbs stood up, leaning over the divider and smiling down at you. As he said the words, you mimed his answer. "Bourbon, boat, basement." Everyone chuckled at your response. "Why'd you ask?" His eyes were curious. Clearly bemused by you miming and knowing his answer as he said it.

"I'm being polite and a nice colleague." You smile, seeing Eddie send off the form so you began to gather up your things.

"Hey Jack!" Ellie beamed, as the other blonde strode into the bullpen and you stilled for a second. Your back was now turned to Gibbs, you could feel his eyes burning into your back, he saw you freeze. You'd successfully avoided Jack all week. Only catching glimpses of her on the promenade and once when she came to help Gibbs team with profiles. Neither of you gave each other a second glance and as much as you were thankful for it, your gut was getting more and more twisted with every glimpse you saw her. Not to mention your subconscious derailing you every night by replaying the break up and the moment outside of MTAC when you came back.

"Ellie, you heading out?" She tried her best to sound up beat but you could hear the hostility in her voice.

You shucked on your coat, slipping on your gloves and packing up your desk. "You ready?" You look over at Alex who is shutting down her computer.

"Yep." She jumps up, stretching and grabbing her coat and bag.

"Hey y/n, can Jack join us for drinks?" The words you hoped you'd never hear but knew it was coming. You knew Jack was close with the other team and why wouldn't she be? She's a friendly, warm - shut up brain. Trying to gather as much composure as possible you turn with the best painted smile you could muster.

"Ellie I'm sure-" You were ready to make up any kind of excuse but as soon as your eyes locked with Jack's you couldn't finish.

Without a missing a beat Jack picked up your excuse. "I'm busy tonight. Just heading out now to go on a date actually." Her eyes look back to Ellie who is now too curious about Jack's date. You on the other hand are trying your best to ignore that stab to the heart that had nothing to do with Jack's words about a date. Or the way her eyes darted to Gibbs and he shared a look when she said date.

"I'm ready." Alex smiles, you can tell she's trying to distract you. Your composure mustn't be as good as you hoped.

You clap your glove covered hands. "Right.. Ellie, we'll meet you there?" You wait a tick to get Ellie's reply, not daring to look at Jack again. Ellie looks from you to Jack curiously. You were trying so hard not to let anyone notice anything between you and Jack, Gibbs didn't count, and it was starting to come through.

"Sure. Devil's?" You nod and follow Eddie to the elevator.

"See you there. First rounds on me!" You shout over your shoulder and hop into the elevator.

"I'm coming!" Nick shouts and you just hake your head with a smile.

The night wasn't as awkward as you thought it might be. No one brought up the moment in the squadroom even though you could see the question on Ellie's lips. You had a few drinks and got to know each other a lot more. Nick even got up and danced when one of his favourite songs came out of the speakers, he tried his best to drag Bishop up but she held on tightly to the post next to your table. It was nice, you felt like you were settling more and more into living and working in DC. Something you thought would take a while.

You and Eddie hung around a while after Nick and Ellie had to call it a night. They unfortunately still had to work in the morning both hoping they'd have a lead or this was going to be an awfully long weekend for them both.

"How are you liking DC?" Alex's eyes wondered to the tv screen above the bar, you could see she was trying to seem disinterested but you'd tried your best all night to avoid your personal life all night. Always flipping it back to the asker, it had worked, Nick always liked talking about himself.

You wanted to be open with Alex, to create a partnership with her more so than being like a boss. You wanted to create that boundary but this job was going to get serious really quickly and you wanted to create a bond that you could lean on each other as well. After all these people were going to be in your life for hopefully many years to come. Drawing in a deep breath you thought about your answer. It was a simple question but it could lead to harder ones.

"Colder than I like but I did always enjoy the snow." A bit vague but you wanted to see where Alex would take it. To see if she was willing to go straight to the question she really wanted to know. "What about you?"

Her eyes snapped back to the table, taking a sip of her drink. "I like the pace of DC. Managed to find a somewhat decent place to live."

"Yeah you mentioned that earlier. Seems like a score for me and being a short drive to work as well." She was really impressive for her age, stepping out and following her ambitions, you admired that.

"You don't have to answer but.." Her eyes shifted nervously, you knew what was coming. "You and Agent Sloane? Did something happen before I came along?" Her eyes flicked to yours, you weren't hiding your feelings on the subject. The alcohol may have had something to do that by now. You'd kept it steady all night and now it was finally taking it's toll.

"Something did.. a long time ago." You shrug as nonchalantly as possible, bringing your glass to your lips and taking a long swig.

"Must've been -"

"We were in a serious relationship and I-" You sigh, dropping you head back. You really didn't want to talk about it, alcohol or no alcohol. Bonding or no bonding, you weren't ready for this admission. Out loud anyway.

"So when does Ben arrive again?" Alex gave you a comforting smile and you relaxed at the subject change.

The night soon came to a close, you made sure Alex had a ride before making your way home. It was nice to have a night together outside of the office. To get to know each other more and with other friends as well. The crisp night air made you shiver and you hugged yourself closer to the wall of the bar while you waited for your Uber.

The weekend you managed to keep yourself busy by shopping and finding things to decorate your apartment with. You managed to find some cute things at the local markets on Saturday morning. Your apartment was slowly filling up with things you liked and you felt content with your efforts. Shopping was never an pleasure for you but you needed to make your apartment feel more like a home. After all you would be staying around for hopefully a long time. On Sunday you managed to find a small dining set that would fit perfectly in your small dining area and a cute, round, wide chair that you thought would be great curling up on after a long days work. Come Sunday afternoon you were all shopped out and curled up on said new purchase with a blanket and cup of hot chocolate, testing the new furniture out.

There was no case come Monday morning however Agent Ben Hunter had arrived and kept you busy catching up and filling out his paperwork for his transfer. "So I filled in the form for payroll and have the other documents are being sent through to HR."

"Excellent." You smiled over at Ben. He was very to the point and full steam ahead. You just hoped that was the same when it came to being in the field and on cases.

You got distracted by the team over the divider. They'd caught a cast late Sunday afternoon and apparently had been going since then. Nick was very loud about the lack of sleep he'd had and Ellie would bite back every so often saying they were all in the same boat.

"Alright team. I have profiles for you." You heard her voice, the pep and energy clearly evident compared to the rest of the team. "Come on. The quicker you look into these guys the quicker you could get some sleep. Or you know, Gibbs. Send them home. They need rest." She was all too blunt and head strong about it and you were waiting for Gibbs' snark remark about it's his team but it never came.

"'robably right Jack but we gotta get this guy. Grab a coffee and we'll follow up on the profiles." He grunted and you heard his chair squeak meaning he'd gotten up and you watched as he and Jack walked around and waited at the elevator.

You sunk further into your chair, hiding slightly more behind your desk as you watched Jack and Gibbs walk into the elevator turn around and Jack was laughing at something with a smiling Gibbs. Your gut twinged and you grunted at it to shut up. The elevators door shut and you went back to the emails you were following up on.

"Everything alright y/n?" Ben spoke up, clearly noticing your reaction to Jack's presence.

"Fine." You tried to smile but doubted it came across as convincing. You shot a look at Alex not to say anything, not that you thought she would. "Going to get a snack from the break room. Want anything?" You looked between your teammates.

"Good, thanks Boss." Alex smiled at you then returned to her computer.

"Can I have a kitkat? I'll pay ya back when I have cash." He dug into his top draw to find some money but only came up with a few coins.

"It's fine." You genuinely smile at his efforts. "Think I can handle it." You wink at him and he chuckles.

"Thanks Boss." You shake your head at the name. It was still very new to you. Being the leader and in charge but Boss did have a nice ring to it, even if you and Ben were around the same age. You walked around the bullpen, coming up to Tim's desk.

"Nutterbutter right?" The sound of his favourite snack snapped McGee's face from his computer screen.

"Right." He beamed and you just kept walking. Same old McGee.  

You're in the middle of bashing the vending machine after the nutterbutter gets stuck, Tony probably did something years ago to the machine to annoy McGee, when your phone rings. "Agent Y/n. Yes, ok, we'll be there." You give the vending machine one last bang and the nutterbutter falls free. You walk, pick up your coffee and snacks and exit the room.

Gibbs is back, you hear him before you turn the corner. The site of the older blonde almost has you miss a step but you don't. You've got a murder to solve. "Timmy!" You shout, drawing everyone's attention and McGee beams as you chuck him his treat in passing. "Good catch. Gibbs been giving you pointers?" You wink at him, trying your best to not seem effected by Jack's presence.

"Nah, having two kids, you learn quickly how to juggle." You both share a laugh and you continue onto your team. "Not to mention years of avoiding Tony's antics."

"We still need to have that dinner Tim. Maybe after our cases are solved." You say over your shoulder, doing your best to avoid eye contact with Jack. She's been looking back and forth between you and Tim the whole time. Mainly looking at Tim. At least that's what you could see without looking at her directly.  

"We got a case boss?" Alex pipes up as you walk around and grab your sig and badge out of your desk, slipping into your NCIS jacket. It fit like a glove, it was several years old but there was no way you were letting Vance give you a new one. This one had seen you through most of your Agent Afloat adventures.

"You betcha. Dead Petty Officer downtown. Grab ya gear." You straighten up and look over at Gibbs who is smirking, you ignore the blonde beside him and give him a wink. "Old habits. Let's go." You were probably too eager about getting a case, it was exciting, your first case with your own team plus you were itching to get out of the office with your beautiful ex standing right there.

Is that what she'd become an ex? Like obviously she was an ex but to be just another number in a very short list of relationships? You never wanted to add her to that list but she'd ended up on it all the same.

. . . . / 2 / . . . . 

[chwrpg]

What's happenin', hot stuff? -- Duk Barnes

A NOTE FROM ADMIN R: Can I just say, you knocked this completely out of the park, Kayla !!! I am so, so, so, so ready to see what you’ll be doing with Duk given the groundwork you put down in this application. Not just that, but Duk was simply missed on this dash. I love, love, love him and thank you for taking him up once more.

OOC NAME/ALIAS, PREFERRED PRONOUNS, AGE & TIMEZONE:

Your fave Kayla, she/her, 26, EST

DESIRED CHARACTER:

Donald “Duk” Barnes

HOW ACTIVE WILL YOU BE?

Okay so like I am always trying to be better for you guys, so let’s be optimistic and say 6 out of 10.

SECONDARY CHOICE:

N/A

DESCRIBE THE CHARACTER:

One of the things I’ve always loved about Duk is his kind heart. Like, underneath that very attractive exterior, there’s really a heart of gold. When I have written him before, I’ve always enjoyed how much he loves his family. It’s something I connect to and part of what draws me to him. He especially loves and is close to his sister, Sage. He never has seen her as weird, she’s just Sage. His relationship with his two younger siblings is different, of course, but I know he loves them and would do anything for them. It’s the same principle that I see in him with his friends. He’s very much ride or die, as the kids say. He’s also respectful and so funny. I love him so much and I’m forever grateful to be part of giving more depth to a character that was originally just a stereotype.

SAMPLE WRITING:

Adjusting his AirPod in his ear, Duk Barnes reached for his phone, hitting play on his coming to America playlist he had curated specifically for this moment when the pilot announced they had reached America and would reach their destination shortly. 

In a second, he heard the familiar strains of his first track begin just before: “I hopped off the plane at LAX / With a dream and my cardigan / Welcome to the land of fame excess / Whoa, am I gonna fit in?” 

It was a surprisingly apt song for having been released over ten years ago in what felt like an entirely different world. He could remember Sage playing this song over and over until he broke her CD in a moment of anger. He smiled to himself, thinking about how she’d laugh about how he was willingly listening to it now. 

It had been over two months since he’d seen her in person. Or anyone in his big, loud, crazy American family. He’d talked to them through instant messaging, Skype, FaceTime. But that was it. For he had done something crazy on his own. 

He’d gone to Singapore. To meet his biological family for the first time. 

The thing was when Duk had turned 18, his mom had sat him down and presented him with a rather thick packet tucked inside a time-worn Manila envelope. 

“This,” She had said with a shaky breath “Is everything I have about your biological family. You’re an adult now and your dad and I think that it’s time for you to have it.” 

At the time, he didn’t know what to say. He’d taken the big envelope without a word, just nodding. 

“You don’t have to do anything with the information if you don’t want to, of course.” His mom said rather quickly, having taken his surprised silence for disinterest. “But it’s yours. You used to always want to know more about your… your roots. At the time, I didn’t think it was right for me to share. But in there,” She nodded then to the packet where Duk was touching the golden brad holding the envelope shut. “In there, I think you’ll find the answers.” 

In truth, he hadn’t opened it until a year later, He’d found it stashed in a neglected high school science textbook he had forgotten to return while preparing his things to return to college. Sitting at his desk, he finally pried it open. And his mom had been right, the answers to each question he could have wanted to ask were there. 

There was also a letter. In a perfect script, on a fine soft-feeling stationery, written in English. It was from his mother’s mother. She wrote about her disappointment that Duk was given up for adoption, how she wished to raise him herself in Singapore, and gave some background about their family, how they were proudly Chinese and Malaysian and had such history that could be traced back over centuries. She wrote about how his mother had come to Chicago to study and fell in love with a white man. They’d broken up before Duk was even born and it was clear that the man didn’t want to be involved in raising the child. But his mother gave him up because she wanted to focus on her career and how the whole family had prayed that this baby would find a good home and a good family to love him as much as they all did. 

However, most importantly, it said that Duk was, no matter what, part of the family and welcome to come to Singapore and meet them. 

Using some of the names mentioned in the letter, Duk cautiously typed them into Google. The results were mostly in Mandarin, which he knew very little of, so he used the translate function to see what could be made of the articles. It looked like his maternal grandfather was something of a mogul. He had created a hotel and resort empire that spanned not only Singapore, but other countries in Asia and, apparently, a few in development in Europe. It felt unreal, and sat heavy in his chest. So much so that he had abruptly shut his laptop so hard he thought he would break it. 

But it all had stirred up something in Duk. A yearning for something he couldn’t quite name. So, he took up learning Mandarin. He wanted to be able to communicate with his newfound biological family, on the off-chance that maybe some of them wouldn’t speak English. First with Duolingo, then borrowing Rosetta Stone from the local library. He wasn’t fluent, might not ever be so, but as he kept working on it, he realized he took to it almost naturally. The words felt right in his mouth. He saved money in a Tupperware container that he hid in the back of his sock drawer. He had given the adoption agency his information in the hopes that he would hear from his family and the first person to email him was his maternal grandmother. She was who he practiced writing Mandarin to, then, slowly, spoke to on Facetime. She was an adorable lady, with a big smile that reminded Duk of his own and the same shared love of the chaos and beauty of life. She encouraged him to come to Singapore and offered to help financially, but he told her it was okay. He could do it. He’d get there, he’d just need a place to stay. 

“Well,” she said, a determined but amused look on her face. “That much I can do.”

Singapore was… beyond words. He would never be able to put words to the beauty of the country of his biological family and the feeling that settled in his chest when he stepped off the plane for the first time. It took his breath away, looking out across the tarmac, toward the trees and then the city skyline just beyond. It looked like something out of a movie about the future. If he didn’t know better, he would have been anticipating to see flying cars in the sky. It was amazing - and insanely scary - to meet the family, some of whom were eagerly awaiting him as he walked out of customs. It was kind of freaky, too, to notice how he could see himself, for the first time in real life, in other people. Grandma had given him the biggest hug and kissed both his cheeks. He wouldn’t remember all their names and how they were connected to him at first, his head felt full with information and tired from long hours whiled away in the air. He was, however, mildly surprised to discover that his family all seemed to speak English better than he could and playfully teased him with smiles on their faces about his choppy Mandarin. 

Looking at his phone now, he flipped past photos of himself with cousins and various friends of the family, past the TikToks and other videos he had made of his travels (he had been surprised when his video of himself dancing in various airports on his way to Singapore to Billy Idol’s “Dancing with Myself” had begun raking in the likes). It made him smile and he knew already he couldn’t wait to go back. Grandma had begun hinting, toward the end of his time there, that he could try for dual citizenship and had outright offered him a job with the family company, even though Duk wasn’t sure if his uncle - the current CEO of the business - was certain of him. He stops on a video of himself doing one of the many TikTok dances with his cousins outside of a nightclub. They’d been the ones to show him the country’s nightlife, showed him what was what and brought him up to speed on the culture. They’d even managed to get him onto Weibo, the Chinese social media site, and looped him into their WhatsApp groupchat. 

They had encouraged him, too, to meet his mother. Which was… easier said than done, it would turn out. He didn’t meet her until his last few days in Singapore. They’d texted a little before that, mostly just to set up a time and place. And when he had seen her, sitting by the window at the tea shop, it was like looking in a mirror. They had the same eyes, same mouth. And she had smiled at him like he was an old friend. Their meeting had been a little awkward, with pockets of nervous silence on both sides. But when they said goodbye, they hugged and Duk held his composure until he was back in his room, where he broke down into tears. Not sad tears, but tears of relief, of joy. It was all so much more than anything he could have expected. 

The plane makes its final descent into O’Hare and Duk closes his eyes, uncomfortable still with the way the plane downshifts toward the ground, even though he knows it’s safe. He gets his things together once the plane settles on the tarmac, steering toward the gate. Turns off his AirPods, checks his phone for messages. He smiles at the notifications already popping up on his screen; friend requests on Facebook, new followers on Instagram, new likes on TikTok. Most are family, but he doesn’t recognize several of the new likes on TikTok or followers on Instagram. There’s also a text from his sister that just came through: Why is there a video of you dancing on TikTok????? 

He shrugs it off, blowing up on social media doesn’t mean much since he’s still on cloud nine about his trip and eager to just get the hell off this plane already. He’s tired, almost running on fumes, but he still has a bounce in his step that always seems to be with him. 

Then, once he makes his way through disembarking and through hectic customs, there’s the Barneses. Crowded right up to the metal barrier. They’re there to greet him, his mom waving her hands in the air as if he can’t see her in the crowd. His father is saying something to Michael, who is hoisting a big sign up into the air. Sara is picking at Mike, as usual and Sage is just looking around as though she would almost rather be anywhere else. But their eyes meet and she smiles. And he knows she is glad to see him, too. Duk tilts his head to one side, studying the simplified Hanzi type lettering on Michael’s sign. “You do know that the sign says ‘fried rice here’ right?” He asks the group. He didn’t expect this to be his first words to his family upon his prodigal return, but then again, normal to the Barnes family is always entirely subjective. Immediately, his mom shot a look at Mike, who is covering his face to hold back a burst of roaring laughter. “Michael!” She hisses and the boy finally lets loose peals of laughter. Sarah punches his shoulder and he grimaces as Sage rolls her eyes, turning her attention to her phone instead. It was the best welcome home he could have ever received.

ANYTHING ELSE?

Nothing! I love you all!!

[onisiondrama]

PART 12 - videos #22 & 23

(Click here for video mirrors) - These are not my words or thoughts, I’m just summarizing what Greg / James is saying in his videos. Apologies for any offensive language or comments that may appear. - I am not repeating stories anymore and will replace these stories with brackets describing what he’s talking about. If you don’t know these stories you’re going to have to go back and read previous parts or watch his previous videos.

the past

- Another email. Person says Greg and Shiloh’s relationship reminded them of their relationship with their ex. Their ex would fake mental illness and fake episodes when they would try to leave. Greg says Shiloh would fake seizures around when they had arguments or when he tried to break up with her so that makes sense. [Shiloh popped out of seizure after he threatened to call ambulance story] He says that’s why he knew they were fake and why he didn’t take them seriously. He just thought that’s who she was and thought she was just weird. - Person says this type of manipulation only works on people who want to help. Greg says his hero complex is pathetic and he hates it. He doesn’t want to save people because it always screws him over. Except with Kai, but Kai didn’t need to be saved because he had his whole life planned out. He was going to be a surgeon, but instead Greg helped him get a bachelor's degree in psychology by spending $100,000. He says it was cool he got to help Kai with that. - Person says if Greg was still with Shiloh, he’d be living in fear. They list aspects of his life they believe she would control. Greg says the only thing she controlled was if he looked at a women, h-e-n-t-a-i, or p-o-r-n she’d freak out on him. She’s very jealous. - Person describes their relationship with their ex more. Greg says Shiloh didn’t try to ruin his life until she started doing interviews, 8 years after [Shiloh cheated story, he never jerked off to her crying] - Person talks about the impact their relationship had on them 6 years later, trust issues, avoid people, push people away. Greg says Shiloh did not have that impact on him. - Person says what Shiloh did to Greg was abuse. Greg says he feels putting the label of abuse on what Shiloh did to him is not what he wants to do right now. [Shiloh wrapped arms around him story.] He says she wanted him to do something bad to her so she could use that to guilt trip him. He realized in that moment some guys lash out and hit because they are backed into a wall and don’t know what to do. He was tested and he doesn’t hit. He giggles like the Joker, but in more of a pussy boy way. Shiloh weighed the same as him and was very strong and he didn’t want to fight it because he was afraid he’d hurt her. He doesn’t want to say he was abused because as a man it doesn’t feel normal. - Another fan email. Greg says he doesn’t have a perfect memory, but he has a pretty good one, he doesn’t have BPD, doesn’t have Alzheimer’s, so he has a normal brain besides his depression that he was diagnosed with. He says no one knows all the facts. If there’s a god, he or she might. - Person says they think there are details on both sides that aren’t being told. Greg says he doesn’t know what that means. He tells us stuff as it comes to his mind. - Person says Greg doesn’t have to prove his innocence unless he’s charged and even then he doesn’t have to prove himself to strangers online. Greg says the problem is the strangers online can harass you, SWAT you, send you horrible things in the mail, constantly make meat pizza deliveries to you. Every pizza company in the area should know by now not to deliver pizzas to him because they’re pranks and they’re wasting time and money. People don’t care if they’re stealing from companies, or if they make illegal calls to emergency agencies, or if they’re wasting animal control’s time. That’s why he has to establish innocence to the general public. [Internet is guilty until proven innocent when it should be innocent until proven guilty rant] - Person says they are 37 year old woman who works in law enforcement and it makes them sick that people are going so hard on someone who has yet to be charged with a crime. She says she wanted to show support and tells him to stay strong. He says that’s cool. [People don’t care about real crimes rant.] - Says his relationship with Shiloh was toxic and he’s glad he broke up with her. He should have broken up with her sooner. [Called police on Shiloh story, he ran away to LA.] He says a month ago he found out he could have gotten a restraining order against her. [Shiloh made him feel like she was the one, cheated.] If you raise someone else’s baby and they got pregnant with someone else you never met before while you were dating them, you’re a cuck. He’s happy to date a single mom, but not in that situation.

reality

- He want to bring some of you to reality. He says if you search “onision jail” on twitter you will see the worst things ever said to him. He received an email that said “I can’t wait until you die in jail.” -This is the reality check he hopes we all face: there’s no crime. [Sarah admitted nothing happened until she was an adult, NDA, blackmail.] Billie and Sarah both admitted Sarah was never groomed. People were around and saw them with Sarah so it was obvious she was never groomed. He was mean to her. - People talk about photos being exchanged. They’re talking about Kai, not him. The laptop belonged to Kai. Phone text exchanges is what Kai’s accused of. He 100% believes Kai wouldn’t want to send photos of that nature to someone who is not of age. The photos were not obtained through honest means in his opinion. It’s disturbing someone held onto and released those photos when they knew Kai didn’t want them to have them. He says there were two pictures and they wound up on instagram with parts cropped out. It was not sexual. - Says Regina says photos were exchanged, but he was informed Regina is a liar. Regina has no proof this occurred. He says he doesn’t know about this exchange because he is disinterested in Regina. - [Doorbell rings and dog barks.] Greg comes back and says once again you guys pranked the pizza place, defrauding pizza companies by having them make pizza and not paying for them. They got sent away once again without being payed. You guys are absolute scumbags. - Says Regina is a very ugly girl. He says he knows it comes off as mean, but he doesn’t believe in filters or PC culture. He’s allowed to think someone is ugly or gross. He saw her in a video thumbnail. He’s not trying to get our approval. - Greg says crimes typically have to happen in order for someone to go to jail. What he’s accused of is grooming. It didn’t happen and if it did it’s not a crime. - Greg and Kai backed up all their texts on a cloud so there is no escaping the evidence. He says they would show us, but we would probably try to get him canceled again for “doxing” [air quotes]. If he tries to show proof and defend himself you guys say it’s doxing. If it ever goes to court he’ll unload all the texts from day 1 to the last day. It’ll prove she said she groomed them and there were zero inappropriate photo exchanges. [Kai’s not into p-o-r-n] Except he thinks Kai had guys kissing on his tumblr. - Sarah is a shameful liar. She keeps saying she has evidence yet they’re still free. Greg have her $150 for her birthday because she helped him build a chicken coop. He says it’d be cool if she gave that back because she’s done more than $150 worth of damage with her lies. She also apparently made tens of thousands of dollars off of you guys being gullible. - [His forums were 18+ only] Says there was a rumor the forums were deleted last year when the forums where people submit stuff, onision.xyz, haven’t been around since 2016. There were dead forums up that no one was using. All the submission sections were deleted 2 years ago because there was too much controversy around adults sharing photos. He was just telling people if they were fat or ugly or not. - His discord is adults only and doesn’t even have a selfie section.  - He never exchanged inappropriate picture with anyone. - He says the police representative that was spoken to was the craziest thing because he doesn’t know why you’d comment on an open case. People say there’s 19 calls or investigations. The police have only been to his house 6 times. They’re talking about how many times people called the police, but most of the time they don’t come because they’re sick of people making shit up. - [Sarah was rejected, apologized for r-a-p-i-n-g them, left] He says he bought her the movie Dodgeball. She was mad he didn’t want to watch it with her and that was one of the last interactions they had. He made it up to her by watching another movie. He was trying to make her happier before she left so they wouldn’t be on horrible terms. [His BPD video upset her.] - He doesn’t know why Sarah would watch this video, but if she does he tells her to move on with her life so he can move on with his. He tells her when he was talking about gross smokers, he wasn’t talking about her. She never smoked around him so he wouldn’t be able to taste any smoke nastiness on his tongue. He was talking about Shiree who took his virginity. Sarah internalized everything he said as if it was about her, which is probably part of her mental thing. - If the accusations against Kai were real, they would have went to the police, but instead they went to the internet. As far as he understands Regina promoted a plastic surgery operation, Shiloh promoted a new album, Sarah promoted a Venmo with tens of thousands of dollars. Everyone’s promoting something. - The crime accusations are against Kai, but people don’t talk about Kai because he’s not popular to talk about so they blend what people say Kai did onto him. None of this will hold up in court. The police are being pranked. - [He repeats his earlier points and stories a lot.] Asks if his crime is getting blackmailed and sexually extorted by someone? Says he has witnesses, but not to Sarah apologizing. That was just to him. - He says someone tried to SWAT them but it failed. The police department is fed up by how much people try to troll them. Someone tried to send him mail with powder in it and they shut down the post office because it was dripping liquid and had a hate messages. He says no doubt from one of the moron commentary channel viewers that believed everything they said. Basically threatening his life. His house was egged by teenagers and they looked in his car. He would show us the footage, but he’s saving it for court. They thought they weren’t home because they covered up their windows after Hansen. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #271

“some of those who work forces are the same that burn crosses.”

Do you cook on the stove at all, or just microwave? I just use the microwave. I'm scared of the stove lmao. Do you ever debate religion with your friends? Bruuuh no. I am so disinterested in debating about something that to me ultimately doesn't matter yet humanity has made so serious. Whatever happens after we die, happens, there's that. Just be a decent human being and go out knowing you did your best to make the world better than when you entered it. Do you keep your shampoo in the shower or someplace else? In the shower. Something your mother said or did that shocked you: Like... recently? Or in my entire life? I dunno about recently, but I guess the most shocking to me was when she vehemently called my sister something I won't repeat. Did your mom go to college? She was before the cancer. Ready to graduate, too, but that didn't go as planned thanks to, y'know, cancer. Which food do you think you have the most cans of in your cupboard? Good question, no clue. I don't really pay attention to the canned foods. Maybe fruits? Do you save fortunes from fortune cookies? No. Are you offended when Christmas is spelled Xmas? Nah. Where do you put your keys when you come home? In my purse. Describe your favorite mug or glass to drink from? I don't have one. That I use, anyway. Sara gave me a Markiplier quote one that's a Holy Item on my shelf and instead of holding a beverage holds All My Love. Your bad habit that you love the most: UGH I hate how much I love soda. Invent a pop tart flavor: STORY TIME!!!! As a kid, there was this contest to design a type and you won like... a fucking huge supply of the newest flavor, which was at the time that wild berry whatever thing. My sister and I made one that I think I recall being pink with heart sprinkles and strawberry flavored, and we won. Guess who fucking hates the wild berry flavor now lmao. Okay but anyway if I was to invent one now... is there a BLUE raspberry flavor? Cuz a bitch loves blue raspberry flavored everything. Do you name your pets after tv/movie/book characters: Sometimes. I don't currently have a pet that is, though. Are you proud of yourself for what you've accomplished? The few things I actually have, sure? I'm more ashamed of what I haven't. Do you own any sexy lingerie? Nooooo no one would want to see me in that, least of all myself lmao. Have you ever caught a bouquet of flowers at a wedding before? No. Has a horse ever neighed at you before? Uhhh I don't think so? Do you prefer ice cream or sorbet? Ice cream. Have you gotten your pets spayed? My cat is. That's like... the only pet we ever have fixed, sadly. My parents/Mom (depending on time period) could just never afford it. The only real reason we managed to get Roman neutered was because our sister directed us to a cheap on-the-go business where it was like... only $45, and Roman was marking the house badly so it was pretty urgent. Would you ever take in a stray animal? HA, that is the STORY of my family with cats. At this current time, most likely not. We don't need another pet right now, nevermind one of a mysterious background with my mom being sick. When is payday? N/A Have you ever walked on a runway before? No. How long is your workday? N/A Is there a walkway or a pathway to your front door? No. What is your favorite color? What is your least favorite color? Pink is superior to all colors. I'm really not a puke-green fan, but I mean... is anyone? What color dominates your wardrobe? Everything is B L A C K. What color are your eyes? Grayish blue. Are you colorblind, or do you know anyone who is? I'm not, but Jason's brother is colorblind to I think red and blue? Do you prefer color photos or black-and white? It greatly depends on the composition and subject matter of the photograph. I find great beauty in both. If I had to pick though, color usually appeals to me more. Are you one of those people who can taste, feel, or smell colors? No. Have you ever seen a double rainbow before? Yes. Do you enjoy coloring? It tends to be my least-favorite part of the art process because that's where I always fuck shit up. Do you know anyone who is racist? Oh my, PLENTY. Welcome to the South. Are your nails painted any color(s) right now? They never are. Can you lift more than 100lbs? I probably CAN, but it would be very hard. What's your opinion on incest? It's fucking repulsive. Morally and negative from a scientific standpoint, anyway. Do you have a favorite color for cats? Orange. What video games did you play when you were younger? I was a massive gamer as a kid, teenager too, so I could put a hell of a lot here. But, I'll just imagine you're referring to when I was quite young. The Spyro games (save for Skylanders) were my LIFE, I loved Nintendogs, the Crash Bandicoot trilogy, lots of games that were based on movies (like Madagascar and Finding Nemo are two I really enjoyed), uhhh... OH! And absolutely weird, but I loved hunting games. Like, I had a whooole lot, despite hating real life hunting even as a child. I think it was because I got to see wild animals, plus it could be calming to wander and scary, too, when things like wolves found you. Oh, and then there were fishing games, too. LOOK I just love(d) games. Would you ever get a tramp stamp? I hate that nickname. Having a tattoo literally anywhere does not equate you to a stereotype. Yes, because I want to be heavily tattooed anyway. Did you cry when Michael Jackson died? No. Not that I didn't care at all, I just wasn't a giant fan. What's the ugliest species of animal? Lmao how mean. The blobfish immediately comes to mind, though. Looks like a ball of mucus shaped into an old man's face. Are you embarrassed about any songs on your iPod? I used to be, now it's just like whatever. I like what I like. What do you use to listen to music on the computer? YouTube. Do people know a lot about you? Places on the Internet sure do lmao. I try to be much more private now online to a degree, depending on where. Irl, no. I'm too easily embarrassed/afraid of being judged for what makes me, me. Who was the last person you slept beside? Sara. Do you like Metallica? They're one of my all-time favorites and I trust NOBODY who claims to hate them. What's your favorite kind of soup? I'm not a fan of soup. What’s your best friend's favorite band? Her all-time favorite is Pink Floyd. Who was the last person you took a picture with? Ummm idr. Do you play Guitar Hero? Not really anymore, but I fuckin slayed that shit back in the day. Whose house did you last visit? My older sister's. Who was the last person to come to your house? My younger sister. What time do you usually eat dinner? Anywhere between 5:30 to like... 7:00 or so. Have you ever searched your own house on Google Earth? Not this current one, no. Does it bother you when people have a loose grip on hugs? No? Some people don't like hugs. Are you looking forward to next year? I don't know. Is covid gonna be history by then? It depends on a lot of things. What have you done so far this summer? *blink blink blink* What's your favorite punk band? Honestly, I don't even really separate bands by genres now because I don't know. There's so so many, plenty overlap, etc. etc, and people - especially those who enjoy rock/metal stuff, I've found - get all snobbish and "WELL ACTUALLY" when you "misgenre" or whatever. Which is better: cold or hot weather? COLD. FUCK hot weather. Anything above ~75*F is disgusting. Is photography something you enjoy? I'm an aspiring photographer so like- What’s the best flavor snow cone? I haven't had a legit snow cone in years... but we have a place called Pelican's Snowballs, which is really just like... snow cones in a cup? They are A M A Z I N G and strawberry is to die for. When driving, are you a speed demon or do you drive like your grandmother? I don't drive because I'm terrified to. Have you ever met someone who just had you at hello? No. Bet you were expecting "Jason," but no, I was weirded out that a stranger just comes up to me in the hall on the way to class and starts talking to me. Have you ever written poetry? Yeah. Do you have any addictions? Technology, ugh. And soda, rip. When was the last time you just laid and looked at the stars? Laid, many years ago one summer when Jason and I were just lying on the trampoline while my dad was grilling. What song reminds you of an ex? A lot. What color eyeliner do you prefer? Black. What was the last thing that you made with your own two hands? Like, made from scratch? Hell if I know. What’s the deepest water you will wade into? Like, shoulder-deep in the ocean. How many blades does your razor have? Three, I think? Highest grade of education you’ve completed? Just one semester of college. Lowest grade you’ve received on a test? Yikes, Fs in college math. He taught in such an abstract way that I failed like... every test, or nearly did. I was too afraid to ask questions continuously. Do you enjoy sitting in the sun or the shade more? There is NO situation where I would rather be in the sun. Do you enjoy going to arcades? Hell yeah. What parades do you like to go to? None. When’s the last time you went on a tirade? I ranted to Mom about the fucking ridiculous anti-maskers that are a big reason this motherfucking pandemic is worsening in America. With my mom being immunocompromised, it is something I take VERY goddamn seriously. It's not a difference in opinion - it's a difference in morality. Do you like to play charades? I loved to as a kid. Now it'd feel weird. Would you ever lead a crusade? I wouldn't want to lead anything. Have your parents ever forbade you from doing something? Aha, so as a kid, I had a game demo disc that showed the preview to Parasite Eve, and my sisters and I would secretly watch it despite it scaring us to where Mom did forbid us to click on it. And all these years later, I've played it and love it... ha ha. Otherwise, my parents have always been pretty open to letting us do stuff, save for things the usual parent doesn't like, like swearing. When’s the last time someone said something degrading to you? A few days back when I got into an argument on Facebook about some asshole teasing their newly-hatched cobra to where it kept striking at the tongs, hood flared and all. Apparently I had no idea what I was talking about, pointing out the snake was clearly stressed out. What’s the last homemade dish you’ve made? I legit haven't cooked a thing since Sara was here and I made her eggs for breakfast. Which was like, a year ago. Do you like lemonade? What flavor(s)? Broooo YES. Pink lemonade is better, but I enjoy just the classic kind, too. Has anyone ever serenaded you before? Fuck this question. Would you like to visit the Everglades? Lemme see them motherfuckin GATORS. Have you ever attended a masquerade ball before? No. Would be dope, though. Have you lost anyone to AIDS? No, thank god. Have you ever been paid for sex? Hell no. Have you ever had a maid in your home before? HUNNY we are too poor for that shit. Do you know how to do different types of braids in hair? No. When’s the last time you wore a Band-aid? Where and why? I have no clue. When was the last time you were afraid? Of what? A family friend was over here a couple days ago and she had this weirdest muscle cramp in her leg that brought her to the floor gasping for like over a minute. I was super scared, and Mom was too, as we had no idea what to do. I almost had to call 911. Crazy woman hasn't gone to the doctor about it, to my knowledge. Would you ever consider growing your hair out to your waist, or longer? NOOOO NO NO. I am probably having short hair for the rest of my life. Is there anywhere in your house that you're scared to be alone in? No. What is your favorite shoe brand? I don't have one. What weird things did you do as a small child? I was just a weird kid in general. I did a lotta stuff that would make people raise a brow. Who puts the most pressure on you in your life? My goddamn self. Do you laugh off embarrassing moments? Hell no, I turn red as a cherry and probably cry once I'm in private. Do you have a favourite actor/actress? If so, who? No. Do you like little kids, or do they annoy you? I feel uncomfortable around them. They're too brutally honest, I feel like every move I make is wrong, and I just generally feel incapable of handling them properly. Do you want a small or a large family when you get older? Well, I don't want any kids, so... Are you a good dancer? If not, do you enjoy dancing anyways? No and no. I'd be embarrassed. Have you ever lied to avoid getting into trouble? Yeah. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital for a long period of time? I'd say two weeks is pretty long, and I was supposed to stay an entire month. I only got out of that by going to court. Do you take a lot of pictures of yourself, or are you camera shy? I HATE being in front of the camera. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling? I just like ketchup, mustard, and pickles, really. A bit of diced onion is fine, too. I prefer gas; I hate the charcoal-y taste. You are chosen to have lunch with the president. the condition is you only get to ask one question. What do you ask? Fuck that, I'd decline going to begin with. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies? Popcorn, of course. Which do you dislike most: pop-up ads or spam email? Pop-up ads. How long was it from ‘the first date’ until the proposal of marriage? How long until the wedding? N/A What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other? Probably like, wrestling. Golf. Sports in general. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test? I haven't tried it yet. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose? I always just use chocolate syrup. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator, or stuck in traffic? CHRIST, TRAFFIC. Elevators kinda scare me and I'm very scared of being stuck in one. What are you sitting on right now? My bed. Are you listening to anything? Halocene's cover of "Killing In The Name." Have you parents ever hated one of your boyfriends/girlfriends? No. Who was the last person to give you money? I have no idea. Have you ever dreamed of someone you barely know? Actually yeah. Weird as hell. When was the most recent time, if ever, that you felt “impostor syndrome,” or that you felt unqualified to be somewhere? Hm. I suppose when I went to the doctor by myself for my foot. I'd never done an appointment without Mom at all, and I was veeery clueless to a lot of steps, questions, etc. What are some ways that pop culture has helped you learn historic or scientific facts? Some TV shows, I guess. Or games, even. Have you ever had a job in which you felt that you had nothing to do? What was the protocol in that situation (e.g., surfing the web, taking on the job of co-workers, or pretending to work)? If you have not, do you think it would be lucky or unlucky to have such a job? No. I was expected to always be doing something. I'd consider that to be pretty unlucky, as it sounds boring and pointless. Have you ever intimidated or made another person feel legitimately threatened? If not, do you think that you could ever be seen as scary? I don't know. Mom has admitted me yelling has scared her before, though. I can yell pretty fucking loudly. But she herself never felt threatened. And do I think I could be seen as scary? Yes. Especially given my chronic fucking nightmares that almost always involve confrontation. In what ways do you or would you need to be validated by a partner? (For example, liking your posts/talking about you on social media, or perhaps by doting on you with gifts.) I am VERY much a "words of affirmation" person. I NEED reassurance that I'm adequate and sincerely loved. When you are having a hard time emotionally, what are some of the telltale ways that you act out or that your personality reflects your struggles? I become very snappy and more reclusive than usual. I cry really easily. Do you tend to succeed by weaning yourself off of something or by quitting cold turkey? It depends on what it is, but I've generally needed to wean myself off of things when necessary. Is there a specific type of pet breed/size/etc. that you don’t want? Why not? I am very turned off by animal breeds/types that are subject to serious health issues, such as pugs, dachsunds, Persians, spider ball pythons... Just don't fucking breed them. Ironically, some of these are the cutest, but I care far more about the health of the animal. Have you ever lived in a notoriously dangerous area? If not, would it bother you to do so? Yes and yes. Has a friend’s significant other ever interfered with or damaged your friendship? What about a significant other of yours damaging a friendship? I don't believe so, no. What, if anything, is something that you put pressure on yourself about? What do you imagine would happen if you did not live up to this expectation? Getting a job, for Heaven's sake, and actually managing to keep it. I've proven inept in this area so far, so, I've already failed that. :^) If you have been in a serious relationship, have you and your partner ever discussed lifetime plans that clashed? Did you reconcile them or did you break up? If you have not been in a relationship, what are some issues that would be deal-breakers? Jason and I kinda casually talked about kids early in our relationship, at which time I didn't see myself wanting them at all and he did at some point. It didn't really bother either of us, though; it was something we'd figure out if we actually got anywhere. Then he became the only person I could ever imagine myself having kids with. Life's funny.

[heart-eyes-mf]

So

This is my first ever attempt at writing fanfiction. It’s just a one-shot type thing, where Neil receives a bunch of pictures and stuff from the FBI of his childhood and looks at it with some of the foxes and Andrew

Weeks ago, Neil Josten had left his past behind him for good, letting the memory of Nathaniel Wesninski bleed out in the back of a federal vehicle in the streets of Baltimore.

Or so he’d thought.

He held a cardboard box in his hands, the words of FBI Special Agent Browning still ringing in his ears.

“We found these in your father’s house,” Browning had said. “We analyzed them for anything relevant to the case and found nothing, but considering what’s on here, we thought you might want them.”

He didn’t sound like he particularly cared if Neil wanted them or not. His tone was short, a little impatient.

“What is it?” Neil asked warily, his bandaged face stony.

“Photos and some such,” Browning thrust the box toward Neil. “Look, kid, if you don’t want it, it’s going to collect dust in evidence lock up before being thrown away.”

Neil reluctantly took it, if only to get the agent out of his presence.

Now, he stood in the lounge, watching as his teammates rifled through it.

“Oh, my god,” Nicky exclaimed, brandishing a picture frame. “Look at this. You’re wearing ruffles! You were born to be gay.”

Neil rolled his eyes but looked at the photo. It was of a chubby toddler that Neil couldn’t quite place as himself: wispy auburn hair, big pale blue eyes, and a white ruffled shirt under a sky-blue sweater vest. Even more mystifying was the gummy, dimpled smile on his face.

“You were so cute,” Dan squealed, leaning over Matt’s shoulder. “What happened?”

“Torture,” Neil said drily.

Dan paled, looking sick, and seemed like she was preparing to launch herself at him in a barrage of hugs and apologies before Allison broke in from where she was sitting beside Renee at the table, riffling through a photo album.

“Why did a serial killing maniac have so many pictures of you? Didn’t he hate you?”

Nicky winced. “Nice and sensitive there, Allison.”

Allison glared at him.

“I’m wondering the same thing,” Neil admitted.

He looked at Andrew, silent and disinterested beside him. His chin rested on his hand, with his elbow on the table, the black armbands on his forearms peeking out from the cuffs of his dark hoodie. His hazel gaze was directed at the far wall and he showed no signs of being mentally present at all, but Neil knew that no matter how hard Andrew tried otherwise, he was processing and retaining everything that was happening.

“To keep his cover,” Kevin said clinically. “The Butcher of Baltimore masqueraded as a devoted family man. What kind of good father doesn’t have at least on picture of his son?”

“Is this your mother?” Renee’s voice was gentle but it didn’t need to be harsh or loud to attract attention. She held out a photograph of a woman with brown hair, a straight nose, and dark eyes. Her hair was pulled back into a severe ponytail and her bright red lips were twisted in a subtle sneer directed at whoever was taking the picture, her disdain obvious.

Neil just nodded.

The sight of his mother stirred up mixed feelings, feelings he thought he’d gotten over or repressed. Grief and hatred were a cocktail he was used to drinking but hadn’t tasted in a while and all he could do was feel it. For a moment he smelled smoke and felt the heat of fire and heard the sick rattle of her bones in the backpack he’d buried in the sand on that beach two years ago.

“What was her name?” Dan’s voice was gentle and it just hurt Neil more. Impassivity was a mask he clung desperately to, despite his promises not to lie to them.

“Mary Hatford,” Neil said quietly.

“I’m sure she was a lovely woman,” Matt said, almost a question.

He’d told them very little about what his relationship with his mother had been like after they’d come back from Baltimore. They’d asked him endless questions but mostly about himself and the questions they’d asked him about life on the run had mostly been about the locations and what had forced them to leave.

“You all would have hated her,” Neil said.

Matt and Dan looked surprised and Andrew turned his head toward Neil and Neil knew he was going to tell them everything because Andrew was listening. Andrew was curious.

“Did you hate her?” Andrew asked.

Neil looked at him and found Andrew’s gold-green gaze turned on him, apathy hiding immeasurable darkness. “I did for a long time,” Neil admitted. “It’s more complicated than that now.”

“Did you love her?” Nick asked sadly, clutching a few photographs to his chest. “Did she love you?”

“I don’t think so,” Neil said slowly.

Allison gave him a pitying look. “No wonder you’re so screwed up.”

“Allison,” Dan hissed.

Looking increasingly desperate, Nicky said, “She never said it? Have you? You have to love something.”

“No, she never said it,” Neil said. “What does that matter?”

“She’s your mom,” Nick persisted. “She raised you and protected you. That had to mean something, right? She had to love you.”

“I think--,” Matt started, looking extremely uncomfortable.

“Nicky,” Renee said softly. “You can’t compare Neil’s life and relationships and feelings to those of anyone else. He’s had a very complicated life. You can’t expect him to uncomplicate it just to reassure you.”

“There’s videos,” Kevin said suddenly.

“Let’s play them,” Matt said, looking relieved to be off the subject of Neil’s mother. Matt got up so quickly he almost knocked Dan over and hurried to the DVD player, having snatched the case from Kevin’s hands on the way.

Matt queued up the video and took his seat beside Dan, a remote clutched in his hand. He pushed play and Neil’s childhood was on the screen. Everyone watched, even Kevin and especially Andrew, as Neil’s life unfolded before them.

It started the day he was born, the date a little subtitle in the bottom left corner. Baby Neil squirmed and cried, looking red and mushy and wearing only a diaper.

“That looks gross,” Nicky exclaimed. Dan smacked his shoulder.

It showed him in his mother’s arms, which Mary looked like she barely tolerated, and Nathan wasn’t there at all.

It flashed straight to toddler Neil, taking slow steps towards Mary, babbling nonsense. Mary didn’t look happy but she didn’t look miserable either as her arms extended to catch him in case he fell. Even when she didn’t love him, she still protected him.

“There you go, Nathaniel,” Mary said, her British accent crisp. “Steady, now.”

“Your mom was British?” Matt asked, surprised.

Neil just nodded, his eyes on the screen.

The clips were short, scattered throughout the years. Whoever had filmed it had known that evidence, however minimal, was all that was needed. Probably Lola Malcolm or her brother Romero had filmed it for his father.

The videos of Mary were disconcerting to watch. It was hard to connect the young, healthy and alive woman he saw in the clips with his memories of a bloody corpse and charred bones.

But even more disturbing, to Neil’s teammates and to himself, was the videos of Neil with Nathan. Side by side their resemblance was startling.

There was a clip of Neil sitting on Nathan’s lap, looking up at his father with wide blue eyes, perhaps three or four years old. They had the same auburn hair and pale blue eyes but while Neil’s were blank with the oblivion of adolescence, Nathan’s were cold and unfeeling. No matter what false affection Nathan put into his voice for the video, one couldn’t look into his eyes and think that he felt anything at all.

“This is the letter N,” Nathan was saying to Neil, pointing at an alphabet picture book. “That’s the first letter of your name. Say it, N.”

Neil just looked up at Nathan. Even that young, he’d kept still and stiff and tried not to touch his father.

“N,” Nathan coaxed and Neil, old enough now, recognized the soft threat in his voice.

“N,” young Neil said.

           Matt paused the video.

           “Is anyone else creeped out?” he asked.

           “Majorly,” Nicky said.

           “No wonder you’re scared of your own reflection,” Allison said, slitting a look at Neil. “You don’t look anything like your mom, except your ridiculously stunted height.”

           “Do you remember any of this?” Dan asked, adjusting her weight on the arm of Matt’s chair with a hand on his shoulder.

           “I remember him acting like this sometimes, to keep up appearances,” Neil said. “I don’t remember ever being videotaped. The time I spent with my father was usually spent doing things a devoted father wouldn’t do with his son.”

           “What did you usually do?” Nick asked warily, looking like he already regretted the question.

           “He trained him,” Kevin said quietly. “To become the next Butcher of Baltimore.”

           “You cut people up?” Nicky asked, sounding horrified. “Oh, my god, weren’t you, like, ten?”

           “Eight, when we ran,” Neil said, nonplussed. “I didn’t touch people with knives but he did supervise while Lola taught me how to use them.”

           “Taught you on what?” Matt asked.

           “Dead animals,” Neil said.

           Dan looked like she might be sick. Renee gave him an unreadable glace and Andrew kept his gaze on the screen. “I’m just going to pass over that,” Matt said, looking green, and pointed the remote at the TV to play the video.

           It flashed to a video of Neil sitting in a dining room chair, the table level with his chin. Mary was on one side of him and Nathan on the other and they were watching as he tried various foods. Mary fed a piece of broccoli to him and his face immediately twisted and he spit it out onto the table. Mary, surprisingly, laughed.

           “There has to be some food you like,” Mary said, picking up a baby carrot. Neil spit that out too, looking at Mary with a look that could only be betrayal.

           “Yuck,” the Neil on screen said sincerely.

           “Try the fruit,” Nathan said, flashing a smile at the camera. No amount of false feeling could change the hard pull of his smile.

           Nathan fed a piece of strawberry into his mouth and Neil smiled.

           “Strawberries are a yes,” Nathan laughed.

           It changed again, to a video of Neil at about five or six. This video was a little grainy and from a distance. Mary was standing by the planes of an Exy court, looking fierce as she watched Neil running around on the court, looking remarkably small with a racquet in his hands.

           “Faster, Abram,” Mary shouted. “Run faster!”

           “Who’s Abram?” Nicky asked.

           “It’s Neil’s middle name,” Andrew, surprisingly, responded.

           The video abruptly ended, the screen turning dark. Neil sat there, his thoughts a little muddled, still trying to crawl out of feelings he didn’t know he had anymore.

           A text alert blared through the room, cutting through the short silence, and Nicky pulled his phone out of his pocket.

           “Aaron is done with his session with Betsy,” he announced. “He needs to be picked up.”

           Nicky gazed expectantly at Andrew but Andrew was still vacantly staring at the dark screen. He eventually rolled his eyes and tossed his hands in the hair and turned to Matt.

           “Can you take me to pick up Aaron?” Nicky asked.

           Matt nodded. “Dan needs to get back to her dorm anyways. She has an online quiz in an hour.”

           “I’m not staying with the monsters,” Allison said, sending a derisive glance at Andrew.

           They all filed out, even Renee, her rainbow hair swinging as she followed the clack of Allison’s hot pink high heels out of the room. Matt and Dan hugged Neil goodbye and Nicky tossed a fluttery wave of his shoulder as he sailed out the door.

           Andrew and Neil were left alone, sitting beside each other, watching the blank screen.

           Neil turned his gaze to Andrew, content just to look. Eventually Andrew looked back at him, but Neil knew he’d been aware of him the whole time.

           “Why wouldn’t they have liked your mother? Your teammates tend to like anybody, especially if they are damaged,” Andrew said. “And I am willing to wager that your mother was quite damaged.”

           “Our teammates. You haven’t guessed?” Neil asked. He leaned his head on his hand, his elbow on the table. “She hit me. You’d have killed her.”

           Andrew’s eyes darkened.

           “I would have killed her only if I cared,” Andrew said. “I hate you.”

           “You’d have cared,” Neil said, a smile pulling at his mouth. He leaned closer to Andrew, close enough to make him tense but not close enough to violate Andrew’s boundaries. “What percentage am I at now?”

           “It is not even worth counting anymore,” Andrew said. He slid rough fingers into Neil’s hair and pulled him the rest of the distance. His kiss was hard but skilled and tasted of cigarettes. Neil’s hands tightened around the arms of his chair and he leaned into Andrew, knowing the other man would hold him up. Andrew would always hold him up.

           Andrew pulled back slowly, his eyes dark and watching Neil’s face. Neil felt hot all over and breathless.

           “Junkie,” Andrew said, with a final tug on Neil’s hair before releasing him.

           “You like it,” Neil retorted.

           Andrew didn’t answer, just stood up.

           “Are you taking all of this back to our room?” Andrew gazed with disinterest at the photos spread across the table. He reached for one and tossed it with a flick of his wrist at Neil.

           Neil considered it.

           “Yeah,” he said. “I am.”