#there is a class of people more socially inept than us autistics

[filthforfriends]

“No! No, no, no.”

-Thomas Raggi, 2023

(Video is off Victoria’s girlfriend, Luna Passos)

[one-silly-cart00nist]

Creek Week Day 1: AU [Cisswap]

I love and adore the trans!Mark headcanon of both @bonkerbuster69 and @twuizzy but it also inspired me to think about how different (and still the very same) Mark would be without all the self-hatred and gender dysphoria and just facing common girl problems since birth. 

Competitive as hell

Guys probably hate being challenged and falling second to her because she rubs it in their faces

Still the smartest person in class with a "well actually" attitude

Gets into verbal conflicts when she calls people out on their bullshit (I mean, this is just canon except she'd control her emotions better)

Snappy, has a temper, flips people off on a daily basis (this would also be canon if the source material was aimed at older audiences)

Hates the “is it your time of the month” way people try to shut her up

Hell to handle on her actual bloody week, refuses to use meds (just out of stubbornness to handle it), will slap you with a used pad

Probably punched a guy before for being misogynist/homophobic/generally an asshole

Thinks she’s aroace until belated realisation she’s head over heels for David

GAY for David, brain shutdown noises

Still autistic and doesn’t bother masking

Still doesn’t like being touched unless she initiates it first

Still DMs of course and wears her cape to the creek

Is as theatrical as in canon but gags at the theatre kids because the teacher didn’t let her as a girl play the dragon in seventh grade

Fuck gender roles

Fuck beauty standards

Would probably be more embarrassed about liking mahou shoujo than canon Mark

Parents probably don’t understand her interests and wish she was girlier; get her pink princess presents that she has no use for 

Less socially inept but not really interested in making acquaintances aside Barry & David

I really like the idea that opposed to trans!Mark who wants to affirm her gender and be feminine, cisswap!Mark would push away from it as a way to establish herself and distance herself from the other girls, or just because she can't be bothered to put that effort into fitting the mold.

[ahasiw-okitowin]

I need to talk. Below is a huge rant. You are welcome to read it but TW for abuse, assault, trauma etc.

If anyone has the time and energy to... I dont know... hear me? Maybe just sit with me a moment and commiserate.

I am not good at making and maintaining friendships. I'm autistic. And not like aspergers autistic, or 'I thought I was normal until I did an internet quiz autistic' (no offense to those people) but autistic autistic. "Something is off with that kid" autistic. Like weapons grade autistic. I was not given proper medical care as a child, and while I do feel that being diagnosed young may have put me at risk for abusive therapies.... maybe I would have more social skills now? Maybe I would have had a chance to learn how to move through the world a little easier? Instead I had many years of teachers trying to tell my parents that something was going on with me, of struggling, of deep loneliness.

I am also deeply traumatized. I survived very long periods of severe abuse as a child, and my normal meter is beyond broken. There is so much in this world that I just don't know how to navigate. There is so much that I don't understand.

I am proud of myself. I am proud of the things that I have accomplished while being disabled, including autistic. But truthfully being disabled has made things very hard on me.

I didn't really have friends growing up... the periods where I did manage to make friends were few and far between. I had multiple birthdays where I invited everyone in my class and no one showed up. I was not well liked. I was fat, very tall and looked much older than I was, biracial, and completely inept in social situations. I often felt that there was nowhere where I "fit". I still feel that way.

This year I have been making a concentrated effort to get to know people. I'm trying very hard to make friends and let people in. And I keep getting myself hurt.

When my ex left, a former mutual reached out and told me they wanted to support me. I was hurting so much, I let them in, I asked for their help. They told me they wanted to help, that they would help me pack my ex's things away. Instead they mooched off me for 3 weeks, drank all my mom's booze, and at one point sexually assaulted me.

I met a woman on HER and went on a few dates. She almost immediately asked to call me her partner. We barely knew each other. She had endless questions about my culture, was super interested in my people's spiritual beliefs, and when I told her that some of that was off limits she was angry at me and said I was not being fair. I became so uncomfortable and told her I didn't want to date her any more. We tried friendship but she made sexual comments about my body constantly, and tried to kiss me in my sleep.

I made what I thought was a real friend, who took interest in my culture, helped me work powwows, and who seemed to always be happy to see me. But she objectified me. She treated me like a sex toy. She would ask me over and over again, graphically, to have sex with her. No matter how many times I told her no she would ask again and again. Her friends would ask about us having sex, it became so uncomfortable and triggering that I had to get mean about it. She also wanted to do hard core impact play regularly, but never wanted to contribute anything to bdsm play, she was selfish and treated me like a kink dispenser. She also had some very racist friends, who mistreated both me and some of her other friends, and when confronted she chose the racists side. When I stood up to her and the racists she ended our friendship. I was more relieved than sad.

I thought I was falling in love with someone who truly cared about me. We spent months getting dinner together, spending hours holding each other, kissing and fucking and touching each other. They've been working through some deep sexual trauma. I've held them through nightmares, tried to help them as best I can as they go through all of this. I thought we had gotten so close. I thought we were falling in love. Then they liked one of my friends on a dating app. Someone who is the same race as them. Who isn't sick or Native. When I told them to give me a heads up if they wanted to date one of my friends, they made it clear they couldn't see me as a partner, we weren't together, and called me possessive. We were making plans to meet up and talk last weekend. It's now Thursday. They texted me today to tell me they met up with the friend they liked on the app. I feel so used.

Even the friend (from the app) mentioned above hasn't been great to me. We met on a friendship basis, but at one point they told me that we were going to be doing some impact play and to schedule a time for it. No they did not ask. They told me I would be doing this for them. And they wanted fairly intense play, there was no negotiation, they didn't ask for consent, or even ask about my skills as a dom. (Which is dangerous because doing impact play with someone who doesn't know what they're doing could get you really hurt) The kicker is they were sick with a lung infection at the time, and were hoping the impact play would clear their lungs up. They're fully aware that I'm immunocompromised! And this was just after I had covid too. But my health clearly is not as important as them getting their kinks off.

I am so so frustrated and tired. All of these people were non white, queer, leftist, ostensibly seemed like decent human beings. And none of them were willing to treat me like a human being.

(Side note I have a very strong feeling of deja vu right now. Someone once told me that having deja vu meant you were on the right path. I'm not sure if I believe that.)

I've been objectified constantly. Used for access to my culture. Used for endless emotional labour. Treated like a sex toy.

I want so badly to be seen and loved and understood.

My ex husband had his issues for sure, and truth be told he was a difficult partner. But he was my best friend. And in my friendship with him, for the very first time I felt that I had met someone who understood me completely. Who accepted and loved me entirely. There was no aspect of me that he didn't see and celebrate. Sick Kida, powerful Kida, scared Kida, autistic Kida, Cree Kida, Newfie Kida, joyful Kida, devastated Kida, he loved it all. He held my hands through panic attacks and losses. He held space for me to grieve and heal. I did SO MUCH healing through the course of that relationship.

Losing that bond so painfully and so suddenly set me adrift. I felt so lost for so long.

And as much as I'm trying I just can't seem to figure this shit out. The intricacies of human social interaction continue to elude me. A lot of this is autism shit. Besides having a hard time with social skills, being obviously developmentally disabled seems to mean existing with a sign above my head that says "ABUSE ME IM EASY TO MANIPULATE"

I do think that some of the difficulty is coming from racism. All but the first person were non native. And most of them are very privileged. I honestly think that my being indigenous makes some people think that I'm... disposable.

That's how I feel. Disposable.

I am so precious. I know that. I deserve the best. I deserve to be loved. I deserve kindness. I know I'm the shit, I really do. And that almost seems to add to the problem?? Like people desire me, but not for me. Not for who I am, not because I'm an interesting human being... but for my body, my labour, and my knowledge.

And when I take issue with being used they dispose of me.

I am SO precious.

[genvy]

how are you studying mortuary science? when did you decide on it and what courses are you taking?

i have not actually begun officially studying it yet! i’m enrolled in a community college right now where, when i start taking classes next fall, i’m going to start taking prerequisite classes, and then, once i get enough credits, transfer to a university in my state that has a full mortuary sciences course. in terms of field, i can imagine myself going into essentially any field of the mortuary sciences but being a funeral director, but that’s actually more of a business major sort of career to begin with. ideally, i’d like to sort out which specific branch of the mortuary sciences i’d like to pursue once i have the opportunity to proverbially get my hands into it.

in the meantime, i’m aiming to get a job as a funeral assistant (which includes handling death certificates/paperwork, laying out flowers and personal mementos for funerals, dressing bodies, et cetera), both to really get acclimated to that sort of environment, and to hopefully get myself some relevant experience prior to actually doing the classwork.

as for how i decided on it, i’ve kind of always had a pathological fixation on mortality, both my own and others’, as well as an interest in the medical field and in anatomy and medical history. when i was very young, i actually considered becoming a doctor or a nurse, but i realized that the primary issue with that concept was the fact that the person i would be working on would be………alive. which sounds very bad when i put it that way, but i’m pretty autistic and i have a mild cluster a personality disorder, so while i certainly wouldn’t consider myself socially inept and i believe i could talk to people in a colleague-to-colleague context, i struggle to imagine myself working in a field in which i would have to converse with someone in that sort of context. and, with my own personal fascinations aside, grief and loss are inevitable parts of life, as my fixation on mortality makes me very aware at all times, and i feel fulfilled in the idea of being able to sort of invisibly help people through those periods, if that makes any sense.

in place of telling you courses, since i’m not taking any yet, i’m going to give some book recommendations! of course, they are mostly just ones that i find personally interesting, and they are more personal memoirs or historical recountings than textbooks, and a lot of them are more about medical/surgical history at large than specifically the mortuary field, but i personally get some use out of them. the ones that come to mind are:

the butchering art: joseph lister’s quest to transform the grisly world of victorian medicine, by lindsey fitzharris (my personal favorite)

do no harm: stories of life, death, and brain surgery, by henry marsh

corpses, coffins, and crypts: a history of burial, by penny colman

smoke gets in your eyes & more lessons from the crematory, by caitlin doughty

mr. humble and dr. butcher: a monkey’s head, the pope’s neuroscientist, and the quest to transplant the soul, by brandy schillace

stiff: the curious lives of human cadavers, by mary roach

the icepick surgeon: murder, fraud, sabotage, piracy, and other dastardly deeds perpetrated in the name of science, by sam jean

[sufferthesky]

ASD/ADHD/SPD peeps, I need help!

Hey neurodivergent friends! Idk how to phrase this post but basically I'm trying to figure out what type of neurodivergent I am. I know I've got depression, OCD, general anxiety, and SPD (sensory processing disorder). I've had the SPD my entire life, so I'm pretty solid in knowing I have that.

Basically, a lot of what i have and do overlaps with ASD (Autism) so i was thinking maybe I'm autistic. However, everyone seems to agree that autistic people have 2 "types" for communication (either awkward and socially inept, or sociable but unable to draw boundaries). Idk if that's 100% accurate, but that's what every article seems to say. (And no, I dont read articles from Autism Sp//ea//ks). But I'm pretty good with social interactions and make friends easily, and I can understand emotions, expressions, body language, and boundaries pretty easily. So that makes me think maybe I'm not autistic.

I did some more research and a lot of the childhood ADHD symptoms line up with how I acted as a kid. I know theres overlap with SPD, ADHD, and ASD so it can be hard to be sure lol. But I'm thinking maybe I have ADHD. I also know it's hard to get a diagnosis for ADHD or ASD when you're a girl (which I am). And I also know I should talk to a doctor about it if I want a diagnosis. But it was extremely hard to get scheduled at the clinic where I used to live (I was on a waiting list for 3 years and still never was scheduled) and now I live in a small town (10,000 people) so itll be harder to find a doctor that specializes in these types of disorders. I just wanted to ask Tumblr first.

So I guess my question is, can you have autism and be socially savvy and understand boundaries and social cues WITHOUT people telling you about them explicitly? (Like, inferring them.) Or should I stop looking into autism and look more into ADHD? I have the struggle with extreme emotions (especially anger and sadness), meltdowns/shutdowns, resistance to change, routines, stims, rituals, and extreme hyperfixations (eg a song, actor, or movie that I'll only think about or talk about from anywhere between 3 months to 2+ years) among other things. Idk how much of this is from OCD and SPD though. I know those are pretty common in both ADHD and ASD. But I've always been told I talk too much/too loudly, cant sit still (leg bouncing, standing up/walking during class), interrupt (more when I was little) and finish other peoples sentences, easily distracted, unorganized and messy (but with my own system within it), and very forgetful. I also have a chronic illness that affects my memory, but it's bad lol.

I really feel more confident in the description of ADHD than autism, tho. But I know lots of neurodivergent ppl are on here, so I wanted to ask about it. (-: I've never discussed my issues with anyone so I'm new to this. Pls let me know if I'm ever using ableist language or outdated/incorrect terms! I have friends and family on the spectrum and with other things, but I'm not active in the communities, groups, blogs, etc. So I'm not up to date on most things!

Thank you in advance!

[kaelin-cherise]

So...

I had the sudden urge to look something up, a nagging. According to my mother, I was "misdiagnosed" as autistic due to a prenatal screening. 18 years later and I find out, there was a one point margin of error that made it impossible to truly tell. (MAYBE BECAUSE I WASNT BORN YET? YATHINKOFTHAT?)

I took an online test to find out that after 18 years, I could actually have ONE WORD to describe my social ineptness, my awkwardness, my weirdness- dont get me wrong, I love it, but seriously, I need like an entire dictionary to describe why I cant make friends.

The further I dived into research and into my past. It made sense. I kept looking at lists of traits, writing down the ones that fit me and I filled up an entire sheet of notebook paper in less than an hour with all these little things that were signs.

It made a lot of sense. People always seemed so weird; I couldnt make people out. I had to lump them into categories in my mind JUST to feel at peace with myself. I fumbled for why I didn't understand certain things, or how people seemed so caught up on things I LITERALLY just heard about as if it happened yesterday. Everyone always seemed so... connected... and I was pushed out of the loop. Or they purposely pushed me out because... they took one look at me and thought I was weird? I don't know?

Okay first, I do, do that thing where someone deadpans when they tell a "joke" and I literally can't tell if they were joking, being serious, being sarcastic, none of the above? And I'm waiting for a sign from someone else to know what they thought- and the person who told me the "joke" tells me to laugh. I've always been like that. A stick in the mud or something.

I liked different things from kids my age- though I mostly blame that on the area I grew up in (wasn't very diverse) but also my family- I was open-minded. I was pretty smart, but I was shy and quiet, and would rather hide from social interaction. Teachers were nice, kids my own age FRIGHTENED me. They were loud. I couldnt understand why they couldn't be quiet, or sit down, or be quiet... it seemed so simple to me? But I could make a friend or two... to survive.

For the longest time I was a huge fan of sonic despite not owning or playing much- if any- of the games. That fandom carried me for YEARS. I can still find most of the old AMVs I used to watch when I was in elementary school (and I watched the same like 7 everyday for hours). Now I'll tell you that special fandom is Cardcaptor Sakura or Sailor Moon. I can talk your ear off for HOURS if you get me started. (Infodumping~)

As I got older, I got stressed. The little things people did got more infuriating, they seemed uncontrollable to literally everyone. Unless it was answering a question, the only thing the entire class would hear out of me would be "be quiet" when it got too loud. As I got older, sounds became louder. I found myself covering my ears when a fire alarm went off. Crashes and bangs scare me more than usual, even if I expect some noise because I dropped it. Light sensitivity has also been a very random occurrence.

But except for meltdowns, I'm extremely high functioning. And that's why it's taken so long to figure it out. Everything in my life had an excuse. I wasn't really raised in a neighborhood so I didn't have kids around my age all the time. And when I interacted with them, I was just "shy." I didn't have any major stims outside of comfort objects (blankets, stuffed animals) that were perfectly acceptable for someone my age. So to most, I was just a highly and sometimes over-emotional kid who just didn't understand social interaction but was good in school. I could hide behind this wall of what I picked up from other kids and media and pretend I understood (Or hide, I like "hide" better). But even a major sign like inappropriate laughter (again, I was just told and figured I was a giggly kid), or burnout/meltdowns I was just thought of as... normal. Weird, but neurotypical.

But I'm not.

So, I told my mom.

And she was cool with it. In fact, most of our family shows a few traits of being autistic.

She added more research to the list of things we need to do (Because College) and manage. Finding major stressors outside of school that could cause meltdowns, listing my traits. I took it upon myself to even get a stim necklace because I have a naughty habit of chewing my lip (better than biting my nails), and I need to get a new fidget cube, because GEARS ARE RELAXING and button clicking is nicer than clicking pens.

I also need to find some sort of forum/chat post for freshman for the college I applied to so I could possibly make friends. Plus finding an upperclassman or someone who wouldn't mind keeping an eye on me while I adjust to being out of my hometown, away from family and friends, who would also keep me out of trouble.

That also means getting an official diagnosis. My mother plans to make an appointment for me soon, so wish me luck.

So, I'm self diagnosed, with research and a test to prove how and why. With an official diagnosis on the way. It's kind of nice to, now, be able to summarize everything with a quick word and few smaller explanations.

I'm autistic.