#there are some things and some people i'd walk til i drop for

[starkstruck27]

Day 5 of @harringrove-flip-reverse-it !! This one is not my favorite, but it is a fun little idea and kind of a crossover between ST and another show that actually aired in the late 80's (and yes, the timeline is a little inaccurate, but we don't care about that here). Also, this one has Billy talking about a dream he had, and when he does, this symbol will show up 💭💭💭. When he is interrupted or stops talking about the dream, this will show up 💥💥💥. Prompt: NSFW - Threesomes Title: Who Said Three is a Crowd? Word Count: 3380 words TWs: Physical violence, talking about past trauma

It was a foggy, sleepy Tuesday morning in Hawkins, Indiana, and Heather Holloway was sitting alone at her desk, trying harder than normal to keep her eyes open. It seemed like the weather had affected everybody’s moods, even the teachers, and there was, for once, hardly any noise in the room at all, even though it was nearly half full of students. Everyone was too tired and grumpy to be as rambunctious as they usually were. Everyone except Billy Hargrove. 

Like a human electrical socket, Billy entered the room and right away people noticed his energy. He seemed upbeat, almost cheerful for once, and he didn’t even glare back at any of the looks people were giving him as he practically floated over to Heather’s desk, pulling out a chair to sit opposite her.

“Someone’s chipper this morning,” Heather yawned as she took the coffee Billy had brought with him. “What happened to you?”

“Oh, nothing,” Billy smiled, not even complaining about the coffee. “I just got a really good sleep last night.”

“I don’t care how good of a sleep you got, nobody, especially you, is this happy this early on a morning like this. There’s more to it, now spill,” Heather insisted, taking out a compact mirror to make sure she didn’t smudge her makeup getting the sleep crust out of her eyes.

“Okay, fine, but you gotta promise not to laugh, okay?” Billy said, dropping his voice a little lower so no one would overhear. “I had this amazing dream last night, and it’s just making me feel so stupidly happy for no reason. Every time I think about it, I get this kinda silly warm feeling that makes my chest all fluttery and I can’t help but smile. Just wait til I tell you.”

“Well, don’t keep me in suspense. It really must’ve been something.”

“It was, but you gotta promise not to laugh, I know it’s silly, but it was great and I want to keep it that way, so no laughing.”

“Okay, okay, I promise I won’t laugh, now start talking!” Heather said, leaning forward to prop herself up on the desk as she listened to her best friend. 

“Okay, so you know that show you and Max like, 21 Jump Street, about those cops who go undercover in schools because they look young?”

“Yeah, what about it?”

“Okay, so I dreamt that it was a normal day at school for us, right? And then in the middle of the morning, a teacher pulls me aside and says we have a new student that just transferred in, and since he’s gonna join the basketball team, she wanted me to show him around and all that. So I guess I agree because next thing I know, I’m walking down the halls with that guy you and Max like, Hanson, I think?”

“Yeah, Tom Hanson! Oh, he’s so hot, I love him,” Heather sighed dreamily, “I'd let him put me in cuffs anytime he wants!”

“Ew, Heather, gross!” Billy made a face, “But anyway, he was undercover, so he didn’t go by his real name. He and the other guy brought back their characters, the McQuill brothers or whatever.”

“The McQuaid brothers,” Heather corrected, making Billy roll his eyes. 

“Yeah, yeah, now pay attention, this is where it starts to get interesting…”

💭💭💭

“So, what do people do for fun around here?” Tom asked, walking along next to Billy and trying to keep his pace. He had been sent there on an assignment with Doug, trying to find the kids responsible for the after school fight club the administration had reported to Jump Street after some kid had been put in the hospital with a broken arm, and Billy Hargrove was the prime suspect. The kid always came to school with black eyes and split lips, and from what they’d heard before going in, he was almost always itching for a fight with whoever he could get in his crosshairs. There were a few other kids they were looking at, but Billy was at the top of their list, so Tom had been ordered to stick to him like glue and try to get in good with him so he’d be invited to the club and then he could bust him. Doug was trying to buddy up with the two other highest suspects, Steve Harrington and Tommy Hagan, to see if they were involved, too, but as of right now, after a day in classes with them, they had nothing. 

“You know, the usual shit. Parties, pranks and pretty girls. That’s all there is to do in this fucking town, and even that’s not much,” Billy responded, already over this guy. He was trying too hard to be tough, and it was getting on his nerves. 

“Oh yeah? I could use a good party. My Ma moved us out here to get us away from stuff like that, but Doug and I still find ways to get our kicks-”

“Look dude, I don’t care. Just cause I said I’d show you how to get around doesn’t mean I’m gonna be your new best friend, so cut the chit-chat and just keep walking, got it? We’re almost to the gym,” Billy said, rolling his eyes as he turned a corner and led the guy to the locker room. Practice was in ten minutes, and if they weren’t changed and ready to warm up by the time the coach got out there, they’d be in deep shit. 

They managed to get out just in time though, and that’s when Billy saw two people walking towards them, and his heart felt like it stopped dead in his chest. Steve Harrington and a tall, beefy, goofy looking dude were walking up to them, and Billy didn’t know if the feeling in his gut was butterflies fluttering around in there or his organs twisting into knots. Either way, he felt like this was nothing but a trap, and he was all set to high-tail it out of there. The only problem was, his feet felt rooted to the floor, and he had to just stand there and wait as two of the most handsome guys he’d ever seen walked right up to him…

💥💥💥

“I still don’t understand how you think Peter DeLuise is hotter than Johnny freakin’ Depp,” Heather interrupted, shaking her head. 

“What can I say, I’ve got a type, and it’s not vampire-lookin’ motherfuckers with greasy strings for hair,” Billy teased, making a face.

“Oh, excuse-moi! I didn’t realize you preferred Italian meatheads with kicked puppy expressions and barely two brain cells to rub together,” Heather retorted, also making a face as Billy blushed a little. “Oh wait, nevermind, yes I did. Ever since you told me about your crush on Ste-”

“Listen, I didn’t choose for that to be my type!” Billy cut her off, putting his hand over her mouth. “But that’s not important, just keep listening. So, we get to the gym, and they walk up to us, and then Hanson and the other one do their silly little handshake that they do as the McQuaids, and then…”

💭💭💭

“Ey, Tommy, this is Steve, he’s been showin’ me around all day,” Doug said, smacking Steve on the back just hard enough to make him stumble a bit. “Steve, this is my brother, Tommy McQuaid.”

“Hi, Steve Harrington, nice to meet you,” Steve said, in that typical upbeat rich kid way that let everyone know he came from an important family. Billy couldn’t help but roll his eyes as the two of them shook hands.

“Likewise. Doug, this is Billy, the welcome wagon they saddled me with,” Tom replied, not even looking up at Billy as he did, which kind of pissed him off.

“I don’t think ‘saddled’ is necessarily the right word,” Doug said before Billy could even try to think of a comeback, which surprised him a little bit. “At least if you’re around him you won’t have any trouble with the ladies, am I right?”

“Can’t argue with you there,” Tom said, but he still didn’t look up. Billy huffed, but he decided to be the bigger person and let it go. The less trouble he made with this guy, the better off he would be. 

And even if he’d wanted to say something to him, he wouldn’t have had time. The coach blew his whistle, which meant it was time for warm ups, and then practice would be under way. They started with laps around the gym as usual, which Billy hated, but he had to suck it up. Besides, it didn’t last very long, and before he knew it, they were on the court, passing the ball back and forth and trying to gain the upper hand on the other side. He was playing skins, as usual, and he was the king of the court just like any other day. The only difference was that today, he had a new player on his team, one Douglas McQuaid. 

The two of them were a force to be reckoned with. They tore up the court, passing the ball between themselves so seamlessly that the other team didn’t have a prayer of winning. Even the guy’s brother was getting frustrated with him for being so good, the heat in his glare showing a sibling rivalry that was almost as bad as Billy’s with Max. At one point, he even tried stealing the ball from his brother, but that ended in the coach calling a foul, and the brothers ended up in a fistfight over it. It took three guys and the coach to pry them away from each other, and just like that, practice was over…

💥💥💥

“Wait, but why’d they start fighting, exactly?” Heather asked, confused but still highly entertained.

“I don’t know. I think it was because the way we were playing, we never really let anyone else get the ball and he was just tired of it? I don’t know, but it was a dream, it doesn’t exactly have to make sense,” Billy shrugged. 

“Fair point. Continue.”

“Okay, now this is where it starts to get interesting. So, after coach called the end of practice, everyone goes to the showers, except for Doug, he heads for the doors to the alley, right? And I, being the curious and slightly intrigued guy that I am, decide to follow him…”

💭💭💭

By the time Billy got out to the alleyway, two metal trash cans were knocked over and Doug was sitting against a wall, panting and sweating as he tried to calm himself down. He had his shirt back on, so Billy decided to pull his on, too, before going over and sitting down next to him.

“You guys always fight like that?” He asked, pulling out a cigarette and savoring the first inhale before offering it to the other boy.

“Nah, only when he knows he’s wrong and I’m right. If I’m wrong, I’ll admit it, but Tommy’s got too much pride for his own good,” Doug replied, taking a drag before giving the cigarette back. 

“Yeah, I get that. My sister can be a bit pig-headed too sometimes,” Billy shrugged, “But you really oughta stop down at the nurse before you leave. He might’ve broken your nose.”

“I’ll be fine, I’ve dealt with worse. At least it’s not a concussion, I do not wanna go through all that again!” 

“Yeah, I hear that,” Billy sighed, scratching the back of his neck. It was quiet for a few moments, and he was kind of enjoying the silent company of another guy that wasn’t hanging around him out of obligation or a hope for better social status. Still, he didn’t want it to get awkward, so he asked, “How did you get concussed the first time?”

“I uh…” Doug chuckled, “I got in a fight. Some guy at our old school, he was a real jerk, pushed everybody around for the hell of it, thought it was funny. He was younger than we are, but he thought nobody could touch him, so he would go out and pick fights and never expected there to be consequences. So one day, he comes up and starts trying to get into it with me and Tommy. And I mean, we’re the youngest in our family, we got three older brothers, so we know how to handle a physical fight, but this kid, we didn’t think he’d actually do anything once we gave him the stink eye, right? But lo and behold he keeps trying, and finally, I got so tired of it, I shoved him back, and he comes out swingin’ with a right hook. Next thing I know, I’m on a gurney being rushed to the hospital.”

“Jesus, must’ve been one killer of a right hook,” Billy said.

“Yeah, no kidding. It hurt like a bitch, but I was alright. And sometimes pain ain’t that bad, as long as you know how to take it. It’s almost become like a comfort to me, y’know? Like I’ve dealt with it my whole life, so it’s almost natural to try and seek it out sometimes.”

“Yeah, I understand that, too. I do the same thing, seek out pain when I don’t know how else I should deal with something. At least I know if I make someone mad enough to hit me, I know they’ll get it over with quick and then I won’t have to worry about the suspense of what they might do.”

“Yeah, exactly! And it’s always a plus if you can hit back, get some of that anger out that way, too.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Billy said, standing up once his cigarette was finished and stomping on the butt before holding out a hand to the other boy. “C’mon, we better get inside and get our stuff before coach locks up for the night.”

“Okay,” Doug said, taking the offered hand and pulling himself up with it, “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it,” Billy replied, leading the way inside.

💥💥💥

“What happened then?” Heather asked, now thoroughly invested in the events of her best friend’s dream. 

“Then it kinda skipped a little, because then it was the next day, and I guess the two cops decided they weren’t getting anything from us, so they decided to switch. Tom went with Steve and Tommy and Doug was with me, and the next thing I knew, it was lunchtime…”

💭💭💭

The lunchroom was crowded, as it always was, and when Doug and Billy entered, paths immediately started to clear for them. They got their food and went to a random table, neither of them really caring where it was. They saw Tom and Steve at a nearby table, but neither of them made a move to go over and sit with them, Billy just not really caring and Doug still a little upset about the fight from yesterday. They were perfectly content with their own company, until they heard a tray slam on the ground, and suddenly, there was a fight starting in the middle of the cafeteria. 

Apparently, when Tom got up to get ketchup for his fries, he ran smack into Jason Carver, who then started getting into it with him for getting food all over him, and before anyone knew what happened, it was an all-out brawl. Just like everybody else, Billy and Doug stood up to try and see what was going on, and when they saw not only Tom in the thick of the fight, but Steve getting involved to try and break it up, they both sprang into action, rushing over to try and help. A few of Jason’s cronies jumped in to help him, and by the time it was said and done, everyone involved was bloody, bruised and breathing heavily, trying to get out of dodge as the principal stormed in. 

“What is going on in here?!” He demanded, looking at the five boys that hadn’t managed to get away. Jason wiped his bloody nose and blamed the whole thing on the other four, but then they all started talking at once, trying to defend themselves and only succeeding in giving the principal a headache. 

“Quiet down, all of you!” He shouted, rubbing his temples, “Look, all of you, come with me, we’re going to get to the bottom of this.”

The five boys all nodded and followed the principal, none of them wanting to cause more trouble for themselves than it was worth. The principal was able to figure out who had started the fight from Jason’s accusations, so he told the other three boys to wait in a conference room while he spoke to Jason and Tom, and then he and the other two left.

“This is such bullshit,” Steve groaned as he flopped down in one of the chairs in the room, “We didn’t do anything except try to break it up!”

“Yeah, it’s that blonde kid’s fault!” Doug agreed, following suit and crossing his arms as he sat.

“Then we just tell him that and we should be fine. There was a cafeteria full of witnesses, and besides, the three of us and your brother are all gonna tell the same story, Jason’s will be the only different one, so we should be fine,” Billy said, honestly not too bothered by what’d happened. He had finished his lunch before they were dragged out of the lunchroom, and any excuse to miss bio was okay with him. 

“I guess you’re right,” Doug said, scooching his chair a little closer to Billy’s. Steve did the same, and now they both sat at his sides, probably a little closer than was necessary, but nobody was complaining.

“Y’know, you were awfully brave jumping into that fight when you did,” Steve said, putting his hand on Billy’s knee and leaning even closer.

“Yeah, I mean, Steve and I had a reason to, but you went in to help just because,” Doug agreed, following the action, and Billy had no idea what was happening, but he wasn’t about to complain.

“It was no big deal,” he said, shrugging, looking back and forth between the other two boys.

“Yes it was,” Steve said, and when Billy looked at him again, he leaned in and kissed him. Billy was confused, but he didn’t complain, especially when he felt another pair of lips at his neck, and he felt like he was in heaven. 

After a minute, they switched, Steve kissing at his neck as Billy made out with Doug, and it was amazing. He hoped it would never end, and he seemed to be getting his wish as they kept taking turns kissing him over and over again…

💥💥💥

“Wait, but if the guy’s a cop, why is he making out with a high schooler?” Heather asked, making a face.

“It was a dream, Heather, don’t think too hard about it. Besides, I’m 18 and he’s only, like, 22 or something in the show, that’s not that big a difference. Just let me have this, alright?” Billy sighed, and Heather rolled her eyes.

“Okay, okay, so then what happened? Did it get any juicer, or were you interrupted in flagrante delicto?” She asked, leaning forward again and wiggling her eyebrows.

“Then I woke up,” Billy said, shrugging.

“What?! That’s it?! You can’t do that to me, there has to be more to this!” Heather exclaimed, and Billy had to remind her to keep her voice down.

“No, really, that’s what happened! Believe me, I wish there was more, but unfortunately, if I had slept any longer, I wouldn’t be here telling you about it, so we’re both gonna have to deal.”

“That is the absolute pits,” Heather groaned, flopping over to rest her head on her desk.

“Oh, believe me, I know,” Billy said, tapping a pattern on her desk with his fingers. “I never even got to find out who was running the fight club, imagine how cheated I feel!”

“For that remark alone you owe me more coffee, now pony up, you dork,” Heather griped, stealing his coffee cup again and making Billy roll his eyes affectionately as she downed the rest of it. He didn’t need it this morning, anyway.

[princess-hope-selfships]

⚡LIGHTNING ROUND!!⚡

Jervis, your perfect date night (or day) with Hope! GO! [BONUS:] would you want to dress her up for the date in something specific (assuming she agreed)?

Jonny, something Hope has not yet experienced that you want her to experience with you! could be an activity, a book, a food, a sensation, anything!

Eddie, gush about Hope because I know you love talking! Literally just type whatever you think of that you like about her until someone physically takes the keyboard away. No limits, no filter, get weird, GO NUTS

OKAY DON'T THINK TOO HARD ABOUT IT GO GO GO!! (@marshmallowloves (but like. no real pressure obviously take your time answering IRL kjdfhg))

Edward: OOOOH YEAHH LIGHTNING ROUND LET'S GO GENTLEMEN ME FIRST ME FIRST

I LOVE HOPE. I love her so much she's so beautiful and fun and creative and smart and I love watching her do anything. She could be sleeping and I'd just sit there and watch her because she's so

Jonathan: Wow. Made it weird immediately.

Edward: NOT YOUR TURN 😤 ANYway I fell in love with her the moment I saw her in her films, and it's just grown and grown since then. Honestly it's fate that our paths have crossed, I mean it was only a matter of time before she fell into my lap let's be honest, she's perfect and I'm perfect, we were made for each other. She was destined for me and mmmmmm 💚💚💚

You know she met me, for the first time, while we were holding her captive, you know that? She met me not as myself, but as R.id.dler, and yet she still managed to fall in love with me, despite being her captor, honestly, if that's not true love I don't know what is

(Jonathan shushing him and trying to grab the laptop in the background)

Ijustadorehersososomuch she always says "i'm normal" after she gushes about us on this blog well now I'M GOING TO DO IT I'M NORMAL I'M VERY NORMAL ABOUT HOPE!!!!!! I'M NORMAL!!! I SELFSHIP WITH HOPE I'M NOOORRRMMMAL

Jonathan: you cANNOT just come in here and TALK ABOUT THE ABDUCTION LIKE THAT??? That was a very unhinged and manic response, have you taken your medication??

Edward: I can't hear you over the sound of it being Jervis's turn.

Jervis: Hm- Hrm. Well... a perfect date, oh... well... a... I'm dropping the rhymes for this, I- I can't do it 😖

I'd love simply to go walk in a garden together, outdoor or indoor. It's getting quite cold now, the flowers simply wouldn't be in bloom, but an indoor garden would do nicely... Thinking of having her on my arm while we admire the pretty blossoms is enough to make me blush, I will be honest. It would be made all the lovelier if we were to

Mmm... if I had a choice in what she'd wear, well I do love her evening gowns... erm. Her fit and flare dresses are some of my favorites... She even has a pretty white petticoat she wears beneath to make the skirt flare even more, and it's... erm, a very lovely sight indeed!

In particular she looks lovely in dark red... and I do love when she wears her large hairbows, she has a particular white lacy one that I quite like... I-I'm done now, Jonathan, y-you go-

Jonathan: Goodness. What a range of lovers Hope has in us. Mm... well one thing I'd love for Hope to experience is going on a ride on my horse, Clarabelle. Ah... if Clarabelle can handle two people at once, it'd be lovely to ride together, but I'll have to test that out... don't want Hope getting bucked. Hope does love horses, she's absolutely in love with my sweet Clara, but she's never gotten a chance to ride her. We have a sizable pasture near the farmhouse, and I'd just... love to give her the opportunity.

Edward: Ohhh.... 🥺 Oh Jonathan she'd swoon if she read this, you should go tell her right now- I'm gonna show her-

Jonathan: do NOT SHOW HER I am waITING TIL I CAN PROPERLY PLAN IT OUT-

[caxycreations]

A realization

I've lived with a variety of people...

I lived with my mom and step-dad for the first 16 years of my life...Then mom for the next 2, my ex-fiance for the 2 after that, back and forth between mom and my step-dad for 3 months, then with mom for a couple months, then my friend for a couple months, then my ex boyfriend for a few months, then back with step-dad a few months, and then with mom again until January of this year.

Something every single one of those places had in common was the fact that it was never enough.

If I did the dishes, I should have taken the trash out too. If I did both, why didn't I sweep the floor since I had extra time? If I did that, I should have dusted too since I got so much done. It was never, ever enough.

It was thankless.

It didn't matter if I spent the entire day doing chores for someone else in someone else's home, then went back to mine and did all of ours.

It didn't matter if all that needed doing was one thing.

It didn't. Matter.

I was expected to work til I drop, and use the collapse as an opportunity to scrub the floor.

My roommate, who I only just moved in with for the first time in January, asked me this morning to do dishes. I forgot, at first, and by the time she reminded me, I was busy with someone and waited until they went to bed to go do the dishes.

I got halfway through dishes and the hot water was running out, my back was sore, and I sat down for a break.

I felt the need to excuse it, to justify my laziness. I texted her. "Hot water ran out, back's sore, gonna take a short break to give the water time to be hot again."

And then...

I forgot about dishes.

She just walked up to me, and seeing her reminded me of the chore I'd forgotten, and every fiber of my body tensed up because I just knew I was in trouble, I'd be lectured, belittled, reprimanded, like I always have been in these situations.

...She looked at me

into my eyes

and with genuine sincerity said

"I appreciate you, you're beautiful, and I love you."

She had every reason to be upset. I'd been given one, singular chore, and I'd forgotten to do it most of the day. One chore and I couldn't even make myself get through all of it. But that didn't matter to her.

She just wanted to give me some affirmations.

Just to see me smile.

And earlier, barely an hour ago now, my other roommate came through, stretching his legs after a long stint of sitting down at his own computer, and stepped up behind me.

I tensed then too. Almost a panic. I hate having people behind me. It sets off every alarm bell I've got. And for good reason, looking through my history.

But he quieted the fear and the alarms and the panic.

His hand gently patted my head, and he started scratching my back, just an idle, casual bit of affection. And I melted under it.

A lifetime of living with people who never had a single good thing to say about me, who always thought I was never enough. People who saw me as a drone, meant to work tirelessly and without thanks, as if the flesh and blood and the beating heart in my chest were just for show, as if the mind housed in my skull were gold and wire and circuitry and nothing more.

And now my roommates go out of their way to assure me. To ease my fears even if they don't know they're present.

One through her words.

One through his actions.

And for the first time in my 25 years of life

I feel appreciated by the house I inhabit.

Is this what living with family is supposed to be like?

[labradork]

I'm so frustrated. Rant under the cut.

So I guess I'd say Milo is dog selective. He went through a phase of barking and lunging at bigger dogs, and especially GSDs, which we worked through. But when he meets dogs, it's like a 50/50 chance that he'll get along with them or suddenly tense up and snap. And I think that's because of experiences he's had in the past: twice now we've had off-lead dogs run up to us, get right in Milo's face and then attack him completely unprovoked. On his first birthday three mastiff-looking dogs started fighting him at my feet, and I had to drop his lead and watch them chase him. Luckily he wasn't physically hurt but it was fucking traumatic, for both of us. Even after that he was okay until something similar happened in the woods near our house. After that he developed reactivity to bigger dogs, which we spent a lot of time and effort working through, and now he can comfortably pass dogs as long as they aren't right in his face.

So while I'd love for him to meet and befriend every dog we see, I made the decision to not let him meet strange dogs on walks because I don't think it's worth the risk of him snapping. I mostly take him to on-lead parks or walk him along busy roads to avoid meeting off-lead dogs for this reason.

So today at the on-lead park (on-lead because it's a habitat for several native birds, and this is clearly signposted around the park) probably 90% of the dogs we saw were off-lead. And some of them were calmly walking alongside their owner and left us alone. Fine.

We got to one of the car parks and someone opened a car door and a cocker spaniel started running at us. She was small and wasn't the type of dog Milo usually has a problem with but like I said, I don't like to take the risk. I called over to be careful because he isn't friendly and they tried and failed to recall her while I moved away.

We take opposite directions around the loop and eventually meet again, and again their dog runs up to Milo and ignores their recall. The dog is right beside us before I can move away and I don't have a lot of choice this time - and they greeted each other and were fine, which I had kinda suspected would be the case, and the other owners said he seemed fine and I explained that having been attacked in the past he can get scared when dogs run at him and he's on the lead, and that I just avoid meeting all dogs to avoid the risk. I say it's frustrating because sometimes he is friendly but I don't want to put other dogs at risk.

The guy nods and seems sympathetic but the lady starts telling me about the wonders of Cesar Milan and how she's trained her dog perfectly by hitting her when she misbehaves. She tries to demonstrate her perfectly trained dog by pointing down at her side and telling the dog to sit. Her dog ignores her. Milo moves to her side and sits. She continues explaining how her dog is perfectly trained and I need to "be tough" and "show him I'm the boss" and beat him. I suck at conflict so I just keep nodding til she runs out of things to say, then say it was nice to meet them and leave.

I constantly feel guilty that Milo isn't like "normal" dogs. I worry that I'm just too anxious, that I did something wrong or am doing something wrong. I wish I cared less so I could let my dog run around the woods and get in fights and act like it's not my fault like people have done to us. Part of me feels ridiculous and overdramatic, but another part of me has seen Milo be attacked and seen him snap at other dogs and I just don't want to break up another fucking dog fight on a quiet walk on my day off. I'm running out of places where I can safely walk my dog without constantly worrying about other people's dogs.

Mostly I'm angry. MY dog is on a lead. I'm FOLLOWING THE RULES. And other people treat me like an idiot because they aren't. It feels unfair. And I feel stupid for expecting fairness. And I'm sick of people who don't know what they're talking about telling me to hit my dog because that was NOT the first time I've been given that advice by someone with no control over their own dog and it makes me fucking sick.

[junior-high-rui-official]

( //tws for bullying and suicide mentions under the cut. )

...

Rui walks down the hallway after lunch, dragging his feet. He hadn't eaten, instead opting to go up to the rooftop and spend the lunch break with Mizuki.

He really, truly did not want to be here. He'd have liked to skip class again, but...

[after getting a 70 on a language quiz? pathetic, really...I need to be spending more time in class, maybe...]

He's suddenly pulled out of his thoughts by the approaching sound of footsteps behind him. Or, perhaps more sinister- the sound of giggling that tends to accompany it.

He turns around, and three students approach him.

"Oi, look! Kamishiro kept her hair brushed for more than a week! It's a miracle!"

He feels someone grab him by his hair, causing his head to jerk backwards and nearly throwing him off balance.

Someone in the group laughs and mimics his near-fall.

A bright light flashes in his face. He's being recorded.

"wow, yeah, not a tangle in this thing. Hey, are you sure you're the Kamishiro we know?"

His hair is pulled again, and this time he's actually knocked off balance. the trio erupts in laughter.

He hits the ground, and reminds himself not to open his mouth.

[It'll be fine. Just let them have what they want of you. Be the bigger person. Don't be angry. Why are you angry? Stop feeling that way. Stop it. Don't react. Don't react. Don't react.]

"Yeah, are you feeling alright? You really haven't been acting like yourself lately! Especially after you bombed that quiz."

Rui purses his lips.

[Rumors really do travel like wildfire here, huh? I'd ask how they know, but... it's not like it matters.]

"Do you have to choose between getting good grades or acting like a functional human being? Is that what it is?"

"pfft, imagine not being able to brush your hair and get a quiz right in the same day... embarrassing. I'd kill myself."

"she's tried that one already!"

More laughter.

...Rui's eyes are beginning to sting.

"How come you never went through with that? It's like for once you had the right idea about something, and you still blew it. I know your fellow weirdo stopped you, but, like, why'd you listen? Unless you were gonna stop acting like this."

The person speaking to him doesn't seem satisfied with his response - or lack thereof - and opts to kick him in the stomach.

"answer me, you fucking creep! Why won't you talk? I swear, your brain doesn't work right."

The person hits the side of his head a few times, and then crouches down to his level, grabbing him by the chin.

"I'm not gonna go til you say something. You should have done it. Really, nobody wants people like you around here."

[oh, god, please, no...!]

Despite his pleas with his own body, a sob escapes his lips.

"hey, look, she's crying!"

There's yet more laughter as Rui's vision begins to blur with tears.

He's not quite sure why, but that along with a few more kicks - some of which will definitely bruise - seems to leave the pack of kids satisfied as they head off to their classes.

For a while, he just...sits there. He doesn't want to go to class, or leave, or even move. Honestly, if he could drop dead right there, that might have been ideal.

But he has to.

His phone fell a ways away when he got knocked over, so he gets up to grab it, checking the time.

...

He's late for his next class.

[That'll go on my report card...]

...

is it...even worth it?

he murmurs aloud to himself, sinking down against the wall again with fresh tears in his eyes.

[jovies]

what if i kept going on my bpd taylor bullshit analysis

i decided to pull lyrical trends about romantic love as battle, combat, etc; lyrics about abandonment (THE bpd feature); being left; being alone

THERE ARE SO MANY

even the fact that some of these may have more specific context notwithstanding, the keywords and imagery make me think this is someone who views the world as a place full of abandonment, romantic pain, emotional violence, unresolved relational trauma. "alone" is the one I found the most occurrences of. there's a saying that goes, "you create what you fear."

leaving / abandonment:

In your driveway, thinking I should be leaving Running scared, I was there And no one will desert you Stealing hearts and running off and never sayin' sorry Remember when you hit the brakes too soon? I watched you leave / Your smile, my ghost But whenever he's gone and when she's all alone I used to switch out these Kens, I'd just ghost All of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room destruction / damage from a love And when I was shipwrecked We're a wreck, you're the wrecking ball I'm not the one who tore us apart Til you tore it all up A girl on a cover but you tore her apart Your heart was glass, I dropped it Break free and leave us in ruins Break my soul in two looking for you The snaps from the same little breaks in your soul And when I break, it's in a million pieces This is why we can't have nice things, darling / Because you break them Just to break me like a promise And right before your eyes I'm breaking Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end How did I go from growing up to breaking down? (arguably not about love) This has broken me down / My twisted knife being alone To a house, not a home, all alone 'cause nobody's there And it's another day waking up alone I jump from the train, I ride off alone Guess I'll just stumble on home to my cats - alone I made up my mind, I'm better off bein' alone When you left her all alone and never told her why All alone, or so it seemed I’m standin' on a tightrope alone I'm standin' on the sidewalk alone I slept all alone And all we know is touch and go / We are alone with our changing minds Missing him was dark gray, all alone Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone I know I'm probably better off all alone Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room I've grown accustomed to sleeping alone And here I sit alone behind walls of regret I don't always have to be alone Me and my stupid pride are sittin' here alone Mr. 'Leaves me all alone,' I fall apart So I drive home alone, as I turn off the light I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know And when you're home alone at night Crying out when I'm alone 'Cause I'd rather be alone than lose you If I wasn't scared of the world alone Wake up in the mornin' with someone / But feelin' alone Too young to wander London streets, alone and haunted I remember you said, 'Don't leave me here alone But whenever he's gone and when she's all alone I used to switch out these Kens, I'd just ghost haunting (ghosts being THE metaphor for painful and unresolved emotional wounds) I watched you leave / Your smile, my ghost Too young to wander London streets, alone and haunted You know I didn't have to haunt you / but what a ghostly scene I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost But if he's a ghost, then I can be a phantom If you live like that, you live with ghosts Stand there like a ghost / shakin' from the rain And for once you let go / Of your fears, and your ghosts Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me I just stood there like a ghost Still got your laugh, your ghost, your jacket So I'll dance with these beautiful ghosts But the sleep comes fast and I'll meet no ghosts Betrayal:

Addicted to betrayal, but you're relevant Somewhere in the haze got a sense I'd been betrayed 'Cause us traitors never win You said the gun was mine Love is combat / deadly conflict / war:

And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier I'm a soldier who's returning half her weight I vowed not to cry anymore / If wе survived the Great War There's no morning glory, it was war, it wasn't fair You started it / So yeah, it's a war / It's the goddamn fight of my life Like the war of words I shouted in my sleep / And you passed right by And you understand now / Why they lost their minds and fought the wars I guess you really did it this time / Left yourself in your war path But you're not who I thought you were / And this is looking more like a war Hung my head as I lost the war

violence:

A showdown and I know where to hit you Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me It hit you like a shotgun shot to the heart Did you have to hit me where I'm weak? Fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves Why'd I have to break what I love so much? Sorry that I hurt you This is the last time, I won't hurt you anymore Combat, I'm ready for combat Push my love away like it was some kind of loaded gun The knife cuts both ways Why you’d have to twist the knife? I brought a knife to a gunfight Death by a thousand cuts Summer's a knife Rough on the surface, but you cut through like a knife

[jellogram]

I've alluded to my zzzquil DPH trip before but I realized I've never actually told the story. Since I can't sleep rn it seems like a good time to write it up. I'll break it up with a readmore because it's a bit long but hopefully you can enjoy laughing at me.

So here is a great story to describe my teenager stupidity + what it's actually like to trip on DPH (benadryl).

First there's three things you have to know about me:

I have chronic lifelong insomnia

I have a panic disorder that is often triggered by interruptions in my sleep schedule

I have zero impulse control

So the trouble begins when I have to get up at 7am for a literature final my freshman year of college. I was regularly sleeping til 1pm at the time. I'm not nervous for the test, but I'm FREAKING out about the wakeup time. I cannot describe how miserable I felt all week, but if you have an anxiety disorder you understand the dread.

But my campus market sells zzzquil! I can just knock myself unconscious! This is a fantastic idea that definitely won't backfire!

Get the bottle. It's bedtime. I take a dose. Hmmm, that didn't seem like enough. Take another dose. No no no, I can still hear myself think. Just chug it, it's fine. I had that little voice in my head that always yells at me when I'm doing some dumb shit, but as usual, I was too swept up in the impulse to listen. I simply did not want to be conscious for another moment longer.

I drank about half the bottle within one minute.

Look at the bottle. It's more than half gone. Immediately the anxiety takes over from the impulsiveness. I weighed about 90 pounds. Would this... kill me? Suddenly I am realizing how badly I don't want to die. I'm hyperventilating. I feel like I'm underwater. What do I do?

I go on reddit and quora and webmd. This is where I learn for the first time that a) people take this drug, DPH, recreationally and b) those people are considered freaks by the greater drug community because of how bad the high is.

Five seconds later I'm in the bathroom trying to make myself puke but it's not working. We've got to ride this out. I'm getting drowsy and it's drowning out the panic attacks, so maybe I'll just sleep through the trip.

And folks, that is when I entered the mirror dimension.

I slept fine for an hour or two. But when I woke up, I was no longer on earth. I was in purgatory. It's impossible to describe. Everything felt wrong and scary in ways I can't convey with words. It was like a nightmare. I felt like I was moving through jell-o. I could hear crowds of people whispering around me. I didn't visually hallucinate, but it was just this incredible uncanny feeling that I was in the wrong place. Like I'd been sucked from my world and dropped into a nearly identical one.

I went into the living room and curled up on the couch and I felt like I weighed a thousand pounds. I could hear busy street noise outside but I knew this wasn't real. People kept whispering. I just knew something was very very wrong, but I was too sedated to be anxious about it. So I just waited it out, shaking and confused on the couch, in the dark, listening to the shadow people talk shit about me.

Finally, the sun came up and the evil wrong feeling started to dissipate and I started to feel less high, but it's not like you just shake off an experience like that. My alarm went off. Time to go take a literature final I guess.

I walk to the test like a zombie. The girl next to me asks if I'm ready for the exam. I grumble. "Haha, not a morning person?" she jokes. "Not really," I say.

What am I supposed to say? I just spent the last 8 hours in purgatory because I'm a fucking idiot and I chugged half a bottle of sleep medication without thinking? Because I couldn't stand the anxiety of *looks at smudged writing on hand* having to wake up at 7am?

You can't just tell that to a stranger, not when you're too disoriented to even begin to answer questions.

I took my final, which involved long form essays about books I hadn't read because, as well established here, I was not a functioning human. So I bullshitted the entire thing. I was still high enough that I wasn't sure I was even awake at the moment. I could not have recollected a single thing I wrote. I walked out of that class feeling relief that it was over, anxiety about failing, and most of all embarrassment that I had even created this situation for myself.

I got an A.

[cuckoo-on-a-string]

Tips for Presenting at Conventions

YOU can present at conventions!

Seriously. You reading this. You can.

As a programming director for a local convention with several years of experience (and a lot less hair than I started with), I thought I'd make an informative post to help newbies join the fray and have some fun.

Here are the basics:

Know what you want to present, and get specific with it ("Vampires" is a lot less inspiring than "America's vampires: slavery, class warfare, and myths of antiquity." It will also up your chances of being accepted if someone else is presenting about another vampire-related topic.).

Make sure you're addressing the right topic for that convention (the above presentation would rock at horror or steampunk cons but probably not an anime or comic con).

Check the convention website for proposal directions. There will probably be a form. Take your time and fill out the whole thing.

If there are issues when the programming director reaches out to you, address them promptly. They won't be able to do much except drop your presentation from the schedule if you wait til two weeks before the show to explain you have other commitments at the time you're supposed to present.

Assume things are hellish behind the scenes and be patient and polite if things go wrong (I can promise things are worse than you think).

Come prepared. Bring the tech hookups your show director advises for projectors/any handouts/etc.

Engage the audience, but don't feel bad about ignoring problematic audience members. If the know-it-all in row three wanted to do this presentation, he should've submitted a proposal and done the work.

Have fun! And don't feel bad about a bit of shilling. Want folks to know about your website? Book? TikTok? Share it! If they liked your presentation, they probably want more of your content.

And now, my dears, we must address the "Don'ts":

Do not submit an idea for a panel (a presentation with more than one presenter/usually a group of experts discussing the topic) without having put together a panel. It is not the programming director's job to find panelists for your panel. It is not the programming director's job to contact your dream panelists and enlist them to your panel. It is your job. All yours. You literally signed up for it. It should be fun. Do it.

Do not assume that because you are friends with someone on staff and have discussed your presentation that it is accepted and on the schedule. Submit the form. If you aren't sure you did that, and you haven't received confirmation of receipt, email and ask BEFORE THE SUBMISSION DEADLINE.

Do not become the bully by playing victim if you don't get what you want (a time you don't like/room you don't like/aren't accepted/etc.). (This is different from discrimination, and you know it, so don't @ me.)

Don't complain about attendance/imply it is the programming director's job to wrangle people in for you. I have a friend who walked around in a sandwich board sign challenging people to duels to draw attention to his presentation. It worked a treat.

Don't claim you're only available during peek hours. Everyone wants to present on Saturday. No one wants to present in the morning. Anticipated hangovers do not count as a disability (there are probably presenters with genuine time-related needs linked to their disabilities - so don't be a twat). The friend mentioned above could pack out the largest room during the earliest time slot. Have something interesting to say and make sure people are aware. Then you'll have an audience as hung-over but enthusiastic as you are.

Really, though, I hope more of you get out there and participate in local conventions! Small ones are eager for new blood, and they're a great way to meet people with similar interests. Have fun out there, and remember the two key rules: enjoy yourself, and don't be a dick.

[strapskinkstories]

Febsy meets Alex, a mistake that will cost him his life

@febsy had this profile photo on Recon and received a message from Alex

Alex: Hello there, I like your double jackets and pants, apparently you clearly know the advantage of doubling up on puffy jackets! I'd like to have you over to my dungeon to play. Make your ultimate fantasies come true.

Febsy: I don't know man, I've had some ultimate fantasies I wouldn't want to come true like being turned into a jacket.

Alex: Well I won't tell you which one, I've been following you around on Yahoo Groups til it went down and found you on Twitter and Recon, it's not hard with your social media footprint being the size of a major airport.

Febsy: I really have put out a lot of twisted fantasies that would make some peoples stomachs churn. I don't want one of those happening to me.

Alex: Come on man, do you ever get the offer of having a fantasy become reality, even if it is at random? You're not gonna have this offer again.

Febsy: Right, where abouts are you.

He heard the door to his house open and then felt a puffy arm wrap around his neck. Febsy looked down and around seeing Alex wearing a very shiny PVC coated puffa jacket. Febsy whimpered softly as Alex lifted him by his neck off of the ground laughing saying "I'm right here behind you, you were stupid enough to do one of those post your ID card online things and say you're a loser who wants to be tied up and abused. So I decided I'd just show up and do exactly that." Alex carried Febsy outside as he was choking out slowly. Febsy made desperate gurgling sounds as consciousness became hard to maintain. Alex opened the trunk of his car revealing a massive duffel bag filled with puffy jackets and clothing. He dropped Febsy into the large duffel bag and quickly zipped it shut while Febsy was still weak. Febsy began to awaken more and yelled muffled by all the puffy clothes "What the hell are you doing! Let me out of here! It smells bad in here!"

Alex couldn't hear Febsy, the radio road and engine noise drowning poor Febsy's pleas for fresh air into silence. Febsy was having a vey hard time breathing, the air in the bag was hot thick and stunk strongly of sweaty down. Febsy struggled but doing so only made the jackets and clothing collapse around him, everything was wet with his breath. Febsy wondered if he was going to die or if he was going to make it to this mans destination. The ride was smooth aside from occasional bumps serving only to keep Febsy from falling asleep, probably a good thing considering Febsy was suffocating in the stinky confines.

Febsy in the warehouse (AI Generated - PirateDiffusion, Original image @febsy)

Febsy awoke fully feeling the bag get dragged into a hot dry room. It was unzipped. Alex locked the door and said "Febsy, get used to your new home, the hot zero ventilation warehouse. It gets kind of wet in here because water drips in through the garage, so the humidity can get intense from time to time. Each box holds a prisoner, silently suffering. You'll likely find yourself into one of the boxes, if you're lucky you'll be turned into a jacket." Febsy tried to walk but suddenly the nylon of his pants stuck to each other, his pants instantly fusing together. His shiny Moncler jacket sleeves fusing to his sides trapping his hands in the pockets which too became sticky. Febsy said "I don't wanna become a jacket or end up in a torture box, I just wanted to have some fun wearing my jacket!" Alex ran over to Febsy with several of the jackets from the duffel bag, he threw them on the floor and started jerking off while he said "Sit Febsy" suddenly Febsy's mind was controlled by his jacket, he sat on the wet floor. His fused pants controlling his legs, his entire outfit controlling him. Febsy was very scared at this point, his body physically being controlled by his clothes. His mind being controlled by his clothes. Febsy's eyes darted around the room as Alex jerked off over another Moncler jacket. It was filthy looking.

Alex laughed at Febsy saying "I can see the bulge in your pants, does the look of this crusty cum soaked Moncler turn you on, does the stench of it get you horny. A decade of dust mud sweat and cum, I just keep this thing sat in the warehouse for me and the guys to jack off on. It never gets cleaned or put away. Just sits out absorbing the stink of all the sweat grease oil and cum we drop on it." Febsy gagged and said "No, I'm actually very turned off, please don't come closer with that thing!" Alex laughed hysterically saying "That's the worst job of lying I've ever heard, that's like saying the food was no good take it back with the plate empty licked clean!" Alex said to Febsy "You know what, for that lie I'm gonna put you in one of the boxes but with the warehouse cum rag over your face. Once I box you up you'll have 24 hours to orgasm, if you don't orgasm I'm going to turn you into a jacket, understand?

Alex took a photo of Febsy (AI Generated - PirateDiffusion, full original). Febsy had his Moncler Maya smashed tight to his body beneath a blue nylon jacket and then a heavy wool overcoat. A latex old man mask was forced over his head and he was lead over to Alex's special torture box. The wool overcoat smelled of rancid sweat, all of it did, the nylon jacket, the massive pile of clothing in the crate he was stood in front of. Febsy said "Please man I don't want to do this! Why am I wearing an old man mask" Alex said "You said you don't want anyone to identify you, so an old man mask will make you not identifiable in photos, now shut up and huff stinky winter gear!" Alex kicked Febsy into the large crate, he pushed his body in deeper and deeper til he was buried in the winter clothing, he forced the doors of the crate shut and said "See you in the morning, I hope you can live through the night." Febsy began to panic instantly, he was surrounded by many decades of filthy sweaty winter clothing, from wool socks to puffy nylon jackets. The smell was overpowering, it made Febsy feel sick to his stomach. Febsy wondered if he was going to die, his brain fuzzy and body buzzing. He breathed the hot thick toxic air, his body becoming more and more floaty. Febsy was clearly becoming intoxicated by the stench. The nasty cumrag jacket covering his face the worst smelling, with each struggle he simply let the toxic smells of the other jackets in the crate permeate his lungs.

Febsy was in a lot of trouble at this point. He had no idea how long it would be til morning, all he knew was he was having trouble breathing, he couldn't handle the stench and he felt like he was dying. Febsy's wiggles became less and less useful as the jackets settled around him, compacting him, reducing his ability to move, worse yet suffocating him. Febsy let out muffled whimpers and cries, the cum soaked filthy jacket starting to invade his mouth and nose, starting to force his mouth open. Febsy couldn't close his mouth, he screamed wildly making gurgling grunting sounds. Febsy was literally being drowned in jackets now, drowned in dirty nylon. He felt like he was about to die when the doors of the crate opened. Alex pulled Febsy out and said "Your pants are dry, yet you're rock hard." Febsy cried exasperatedly "PLEASE NO! ITS TOO HARD TO ORGASM WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO DIE!" Alex said "No excuses fuckin jacket. I know a guy who will appreciate having a new coat to wear against his stinky sweaty invincible body." Alex pushed a syringe into Febsy's neck and he shrunk to the size of a gumball. He picked up Febsy and walked over to a machine. Febsy stared down watching jacket linings get fused to shiny black PVC, it smelled of plastic and adhesive strongly. Febsy yelled "Don't drop me in there please!" Alex sad "Oh yeah would be pretty bad, you'd be turned into a OOPS" Alex dropped Febsy onto the lining material, the foamy puffy lining surrounded him quickly as he looked up watching the big black PVC sheeting quickly lower its self down over him and the rest of the padding before the soft hum of the welders was heard. Febsy could barely wiggle, encased tightly in the padding and the PVC. All he could smell was PVC and soft padding. It was a strong plastic aroma mixed with adhesive. Febsy knew he was truly doomed now.

Alex grabbed the jacket that came out of the finishing machine, a shiny black puffy jacket with a fur trim hood. He said "Perfect, a 5XL, Jason at the art museum will love wearing you stupid jacket!" Febsy couldn't make a sound, or whatever sounds he could make were too quiet, muffled by all the padding around his body. Alex folded the jacket up tightly and boxed it. Febsy could feel the increase in pressure as the jacket was crammed into a small box. Alex drove for an hour into downtown LA reaching the LA Museum of Modern Art. He walked inside and met Jason.

Jason the security guard casually smiles for a photo at the art gallery in his puffy black PVC coated winter jacket and uniform shirt (AI Generated - PirateDiffusion)

Jason smiled with great enthusiasm when Alex handed him his Christmas gift. The soft shiny puffy black PVC nylon jacket fit him perfectly. Little did Jason know that sewn into the armpit of the jacket was poor tiny Febsy. Now nothing more than a jacket. Jason zipped up the jacket and said "Oooo it's very snug zipped up, I kind of like it, I'm gonna regret wearing it all day, gonna sweat like no tomorrow." Alex said "Come on Jason, you're a 500 pound whale, you could afford to lose a few pounds." Jason said "Watch it Alex, I'll crush you like I crush the guys who try to steal art, I like being big and bulky!" Alex chuckled and said "For a security guard it's good. And for that jacket it's very good." Jason looked quizzically at Alex saying "Good for the jacket, what does that mean?" Alex said "Well, umm, I'll tell you the truth, that jacket is a weird experiment. I shrunk a guy and sewed him into the jacket for failing to orgasm huffing my sweaty jacket, so now he's stuck under your armpit forever!" Jason laughed hysterically falling on the floor wrapping his arms around him saying as he huffed air "Hahahha, I'm ha, crushing him as I grind my arms against myself now arent I hahahah" Alex said "He's invincible like you are, he can't die never needs food aside from your sweat and never needs a toilet." Jason said "Man, little tiny guy has an easy yet horrible life, living in my jacket!" After a week Jason hadn't taken the jacket off once, it was too comfortable and whenever he did take it off people complained about his smell. The jacket held the smell in. Jason thought to himself and said "Hey jacket, get used to the stink getting worse and worse, get used to seeing nothing but shiny darkness, I'm never taking you off, I'm forever gonna wear you."

Febsy cried softly realizing his fate was truly sealed, there was zero chance of escaping, without Jason taking off the jacket there was no chance of finding a hole to escape through without being seen. With Jason wearing it all the time he will keep the jacket perfectly sealed so it holds all his stink in. For eternity Febsy will live inside of Jason's nasty jacket as the smells get worse around him.

All of this happened because Febsy failed a simple easy orgasm challenge. Be careful when you take on strange challenges, the punishment could be rather extreme

[nerves-nebula]

oh I fully get that grate things, one of our big field trips was down the street to a sewer treatment plant and I grabbed the rails and kinda shimmied on the solid metal while clinging to it so if it did break I'd (probably) be able to hold onto that.

I hate those big grate things they sometimes have on the ground in bigger cities, I walk around them because I worry about them breaking too much (or dropping something important down).

eh my parents aren't the worst, they moreso confuse me more than anything. They're really forgetful and negligent, but also set up cameras covering all the exists to the house and my bedroom door so they could track me, but would forget me at school (we technically lived outside of the bus range so I had to be picked up from school since I wasn't allowed money for bus tickets, so I regularly stayed at school 'til 8pm without more food or whatever.)

your sister sounds super cool, like that's awesome she was able to get all that free food. Sucks she had to do that and couldn't rely on food at home, but I'm glad that that worked. Is she the same one writing the jesus god blasphemy fic? (that's super cool of her)

And uh, admittedly yeah I've stollen before. Mostly just food, but also some small things here and there for gifts since I couldn't afford it (all my money was stuff I find on the ground). Mostly food though, when I was sent out to get groceries I'd steal a thing for myself for my food stash. I think the people at the store knew? but I've never been caught lol

hmm yeah your parents sound like They Are Suck,, but at least they aren't actively malicious?? idk how much consolation that is though.

and nah my older sister is writing the blasphemy fic, my younger sister is still living with our mom at home unfortunately :/ ive got 3 sisters and i generally refer to them as my Oldest, older, and younger sister when talking about all 3 of them.

i only ever tried to steal one thing and it was like, a fuckin leopard print glasses case or something?? and i didnt even like it??? and i was scared that cops were gonna shoot and kill me cause that's what dad always said would happen?? so i just never stole and decided id rather STARVE.

side note, my dad went shopping with me once and got mad that i declined a receipt (because i always forget and just randomly decide if i want it or not) and said that one day someone would accuse me of stealing and if i didn't have the receipt they would shoot me and tell everyone else it was because i was stealing so. now im worried about that too hah.

[brooklynislandgirl]

"Oh, oh I see how it is," she leans into his joke. Or at least the glimmer in his gaze that is absolutely gorgeous. She has to push down the urge to have him sit for her. It would take her hours just to mix the right shades to do him justice. "You're allowed to side-eye my microwave but I'm supposed to ignore that hussy of a toaster? Wow. And I thought after all this time, I knew you better than that." She watches his arm, his hand out of the corner of her eye. The sudden rise of tension that hovers around the small hairs of the back of her neck drains when he fixes the mirror and their gazes briefly meet. Ben is so easy to flow with, and maybe that should be some kind of red flag but if it is, she doesn't notice. If anything maybe it's nice to meet someone who seems to be on the same wavelength, nothing she's used to experiencing. And that in turn makes her wonder just how horrific his life has been up til now. There is that moment when they fall silent and she fills it with conversation, inane though it might be. He will never know how close she comes to giving him such a deeply personal glimpse of her real self, though she is careful to frame it in such a way that he can't accidentally stumble on the truth. It seems unfair but maybe it's better this way. Ben doesn't seem like someone who deserves to get in over his head. There's something both weirdly sweet and too-close-to-home when he gets around to answering her, though she does make note of how it feels like he's pulled himself back a little. Not that she can blame him. Cotillion explains his manners and mannerisms, and she wonders if he was as truly unhappy about it as Andy had been. It also tells her that maybe they come from similar social classes because that kind of thing isn't as common now as it had once been. Which in turn hints that had they been on the same coast at the time, it might have been likely that they would have been shoved into the same venues and activities after she'd made her grand debut. Or that he'd mercilessly tease her about being a debutante at all. "Oh." Her mother's one pride and joy had been her traditional halau, and Beth is certain she could do traditional and modern hula before she could even walk properly. She also had some ballet training for babies. Her leg doesn't allow for being able to do much more than some careful basic poses more's the pity, but she's always loved the form and structure. "All kinds, really. She used to really love music and motion, you know?" She understands why his voice drops away and the only thing she can say without spotlighting that interminable grief is nothing at all, instead opting to give him a gentle squeeze. He can make of it what he wishes. A good son, too, it seems. She doesn't have that guide post herself. Ben's manners rear their head up. When he shifts, she can see it for what it is. He's making it easier on her because he'd payed attention to her up-front explanation. He's allowing her a better view to more fully participate in the conversation, a concession that she hates to admit is relatively rare. Or maybe its a sign of his commitment to education and the accommodations he needs to afford his students. "I don't think you're long-winded. If anything, it's a nice change of pace. Most people I know aren't much for conversation. I kind of blame the whole social media thing. Why bother talking when you can just post every unnecessary detail of your life? There's hardly any privacy, any mystery left and conversations become sort of stilted. Besides, I have a feeling that you've got some really great stories to tell, and opinions I'd love to hear. Even if we are the youngest of the elderly generation. I mean…I admit, I have a cat and I knit. What about you? What's your secret official old man trait?" She's putting money on the fact that it's dark socks, Bermuda shorts, sandals.

His laugh is a surprise and she sits up a little, shoulders straight, back like forged steel, eyes so wide they further dominate her face. Fortunately it doesn't last and she settles back down a second later. His smile glows in the dashboard light. She instantly makes mental ACME style plans on how to get him to do it again. "Maybe we need to go house shopping for you. Move up a little in the consumer world." Another smile from her to match, even if it's a touch crooked from natural formation. "I mean yeah, yeah really you're never going to. At least not for a while." "You don't need to thank me for anything, or even apologise. In a way, it's kind of like… in addiction programs, you have people who have been through it, willing to act as a sponsor. And I think that's lovely. Maybe people don't stop to think that maybe mourning and grief needs that too. Ancient Greeks, Romans, Egyptians, actually a lot of cultures, always had depictions of guides for those that have gone on, and those left behind. Rituals that brought people together to support one another. I know I have been an absolute mess since…it happened.. and clearly I still have these feelings and ideas I can't quite hurdle. But I would have appreciated a friend who clearly was or had gone through it."

Nothing funny, no hiding behind her words. The raw sincerity lingers in that smokey timbre. "My brother...was an amazing man, I think you would have liked him. What about you? Might I ask if it was your mother?"

"Hmm. Should I be jealous of this romancing microwave?" Ben teased, his eyes shining within the sallow lamplight. "I was unaware that valentines could be sent from our appliances, but if that's the case, then I expect at least one cheesy pun from my toaster. She and I have been through a lot lately."

Re-adjusting his rearview mirror, he glanced Ellie's way before amending, "I actually can cook...I just don't really have much time for it. In between work and my own personal endeavors, I almost consider meal prep to be a waste of my valuable resources...as absurd as that might sound."

He realized Ellie was peering back at him. The shadows slanted over them inside the car, darkening their faces and illuminating the dashboard, and thus affording them both a sort of anonymity that otherwise may not have been present. Her voice was soft as she ventured, "I think it's a noble profession. Growing minds, spreading information, nurturing kids who sometimes have no one else to care about them. I t'ink…think that's beautiful."

Ben stared at her a long moment, his heart squeezing inside his chest. Samuel had always shared a similar sentiment, and it pained him that he hadn't listened to his brother's insistence to pursue his true passion; that instead, he'd opted for where he believed he could make the biggest difference.

Mercifully, Ellie spoke of other things -- the sea, her mother, and the alluring pull of the water. Exhaling, Ben reclaimed his proverbial footing and smiled, the protective mask slipping back into place as he asked, "What kind of dance? I'm not saying I'm excellent or anything, but I learned some dancing through cotillion. And the water...well, it's as you said: some things in life are so deeply ingrained in us that they're more like our very blood rather than separate entities." He smiled. "I tutor on occasion, yes, but I like to find time to go home, too. Especially now that..." Trailing off, he bit the inside of his cheek, realizing that Samuel was no longer in Setauket -- that their family of four had dwindled to only two in such a short time. "Well..." He exhaled again. "My father is there, and I don't get to see him nearly as often as I should."

Ellie touched his arm -- a soft, easy gesture that led to a surprising rush of comfort -- but then just as soon as the touch had been offered, she drew away again.

"So…full disclosure, you'll eventually notice that I tend to watch people's mouths, their eyes."

Ben listened to her speak, a little surprised by Ellie's admittance since he honestly hadn't noticed. Although a natural when it came to observation, he'd chalked up her avoidant eye contact as shyness -- something that he, himself grappled with -- and he leaned his arm against the steering wheel while angling toward her to lend a better view of his face. "Sorry, but I think 'please don't think I'm crazy' is my line," he teased. More serious, he assured her, "You don't have to apologize. In truth, anytime someone can actually follow my long-winded nonsense, I become impressed. And you're right about Jeopardy." He turned his key into the ignition. "That is a good one -- you don't have to be sixty-five and older to enjoy it."

Ellie's serial killer quip earned her a genuine, startled laugh, Ben's eyes crinkling warmly around the edges as he clicked his safety belt into place. "Okay, well I don't have any room for more trophies, serial killer or otherwise," he assured her, his grin lighting up his entire face. "I really stepped into it with that joke, didn't I? I'm never going to live it down..."

When she wiggled her fingers at him, Ben resisted the urge to catch her hand -- to press into her palm and feel the warmth, the heartbeat of another person; to remind himself that he was alive despite his own soul being cold and trapped inside the ground with Samuel.

Instead, Ben eased his Buick out of the parking spot and began the drive to the diner, the overhead lamps spilling artificial light across the hood and windshield and cutting across their features in flickering, impersonal shapes. Finally, he offered, "Thanks for giving up your evening... Especially if you are, in fact, missing Jeopardy for me." Here, he tapped his finger against the neon clock on his dashboard, indicating the time.

[crimeronan]

can you talk about chronic illness themes in greywaren pretty please I’m so curious what you thought about the conclusion or lack therof

i've had this in my inbox for weeks and keep thinking about it and like. on the one hand i want to answer on the other hand i don't enjoy spending a lot of time talking about things i don't like. but i think i've nailed down the broad shape of my grievances wrt chronic illness real quick, so here's this and moving on

i think the first 2/3rds of greywaren were perfectly suited in tone to what dreamer trilogy had set up and there were Really good questions raised about matthew and jordan and declan and ronan and hennessy, i also think hennessy's arc (and the ronanessy culmination) was the only one that felt like it actually followed through on the chronic illness themes that had been set up. i was very very interested in jordan's thing about the act of creation keeping her awake, there's some good metaphors about artist survival there, tho ymmv. i know a lot of people with chronic fatigue aren't fond of it bc making art is Tiring and sometimes you Cannot Do It but tbh what i didn't get from jordan i got fine from hennessy so. that's all fine. then the last few chapters of the book take a hard transition into "now i have to wrap this whole universe up prettily to avoid rude tweets" and that apparently meant not having any messiness on the page, which is a shame because complex nuanced messiness is where stiefvater's writing most thrives.

adam and ronan's resolution was boring they didn't fix any of the things that were a problem wrt ronan's chronic illness and adam's Everything, joining souls in space is stupid, they already KNEW they loved each other, the love was not the PROBLEM, the problem was that they were on fundamentally incompatible life paths and loving each other DOES NOT MAKE THOSE COMPATIBLE.

declan and matthew's resolution was nonexistent, i'm actually Very Okay with the whole "matthew walks home" plotline but i needed his POV of that journey and i needed WAY more on the page from declan at the end there and i needed WAY more than "i can be fine relying on you guys bc bryde told me i should" when declan's treatment of matthew up til then had shown NO indication that matthew can EVER trust him.

bryde is the sickest person in the series and his end was far too ambiguous for my taste, especially when up to that point he and matthew had been interrogating the EXACT themes i'd wanted to see about what it means to be a dream and to be this kind of chronically ill. like we were almost somewhere there and then we just dropped everything about.... everything.

meanwhile adam is torn apart on the astral for days and days and days but wakes up fine and then bam, we flip forward 4 years and he's normal and there's no indication of any potential issues even tho there were themes traced all the way back to cdth about him and hennessy having similar chronic illnesses (thru lace metaphor). the epilogue firmly establishes that everyone is Better and that they all have stuff Figured Out Now and while i like knowing where people end up, i don't like a resolution that boils down to "and now we never need to struggle again."

i did not like greywaren's takes (or lack thereof) on chronic illness because it felt like we can't exist in a "joyful comfort read" because chronic illness is Bad and the author wants to avoid nasty tweets about doing Bad Things to characters.

i want to know what greywaren would have been if its main purpose had been to carry thru the series themes instead of to make trc fandom shut up and feel pleased about their blorbos and move on. stief talked about how she had to do a lot of rewriting with the dreamer trilogy up through greywaren bc she was so angry about being sick and. i want the angry book. i want the drafts that weren't pared down and rearranged and cut apart and spliced together to appease every normie person who's never felt constant pain or fatigue a day in their lives. the first two books were for me and will always have been for me, they are The Most Personal Books I Have Ever Consumed, but in order for greywaren to be for me, it would have had to Not be for certain people, and. well.

greywaren is for everyone.

so. shrug emoji. i guess.

[latte-fairytaekwoon]

Church (Choi San) Rated

Pairing: Choi San × Reader (Female)

Genre: Smut, Angst, Fluff, College AU, Friends to Enemies(?), Enemies to Lovers (?)

Summary: He used to be her best friend until he abandoned not only his childhood beliefs, but her in the process. One night, he decides to show her a glimpse of what she's been missing out on. Inspired by Chase Atlantic's Church .

Word Count: 6.3+K

Warnings: Mentions of religious beliefs, brazen college parties, allusions to alcohol/nicotine intake, body insecurity (reader has small breasts), oral (female receiving), fingering, nipple play, body worship/praise, slight cumplay, multiple orgasms, unprotected sex (always use protection), slight corruption kink, inexperienced reader, experienced San. (Probably forgot something)

Taglist: @little-precious-baby @yunhoiseyecandy @yunhofingers @galaxteez @brie02 @deja-vux @a-soft-hornytiny @multidreams-and-desires @couchpotatoaniki @daniblogs164 @yunsangoveryonder @minhyukmyluv @nanamarkie

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The infamous rebel let out a pernicious snicker when he saw the serene and usually proper former acquaintance walk in his direction.

"Are my eyes deceiving me or is that really the pastor's prissy little daughter out past her bedtime in a college party?" He found the situation much too amusing that he just had to point it out.

"I have a name you know." The female he was referring to halted in her steps to turn her head and give him an unkind and unfriendly look.

"You have several, actually. There's goody two shoes, priss, prude, prig-"

"Oh shut the fuck up Choi San." She scoffed as she began walking away from him, already feeling annoyed by his presence.

The man trailed after her, his face donning a shocked expression as he flailed his arms around in a dramatic way.

"Guys it's happening! The apocalypse is really here if L/N Y/N has not only attended a wild party full of debauchery, but her mouth has actually uttered out cursed words!" He shouted out, the other attendants either joining in laughing at her or ignoring him in favor of the bottles or sticks in their fingers.

"I'm surprised you even know what that word means." She turned to look at him with a mocking smile, arms crossed over her chest.

"Please, I know a lot more than you have ever pretended to know." He clicked his tongue, elbow coming up to rest on the wall next to him.

"Is that why you turnt corrupt and abandoned everything you believe in?" She couldn't help but spat back at him.

"Hey at least I was honest and didn't hide it like you people who lead double lives. Preaching one thing but living the total opposite. You're all nothing but a bunch of hypocrites." The venom in his voice was unmistakable, nose scrunching up in disgust as he remembered gross sins he had more often than not had witnessed from people who claimed to be pure and holy.

"I do not lead a double life." She remarked.

"Oh really? Then why the hell are you here in a college party? Full of alcohol, drugs and walking STDs? Riddle me that princess." His foot tapped against the floor, patiently awaiting an answer from her.

Y/N swallowed the non existent lump in her throat and turned her gaze to the floor in embarrassment.

"I just wanted to see what it was like. Just once." She admitted begrudgingly, the man in front of her chuckling lowly.

"Well you sure are going to have a lot to confess on Sunday to your dad. Silly girl, walking into the lion's pit like this." He jeered at her.

"Don't get ahead of yourself. Just because I came here doesn't mean I've done anything morally wrong." She counteracted his words to which he only snorted.

"Yet."

Tired of his overly obnoxious attitude, Y/N spun on her heel to get away from him, but she spun so carelessly and fast that she ended up bumping into another classmate who unfortunately was holding a full cup of beer that ended up being doused all over her white blouse.

"Oops! Sorry, my bad." He excused himself, looking completely unapologetic about the situation.

Meanwhile Y/N looked absolutely horrified as she took in the drenched state of her shirt that now had the stench of alcohol on it. The fact San was bursting out in giggles only served to make her even more mad.

"Now tell me how do you plan on explaining that to dear old-"

"Can it San or I swear I'll gauge your eyes out." She threatened him as she stormed out the building, not caring that she bumped into a few figures on her way out.

Feeling just a bit of empathy for his old friend, San sighed softly before following after her. Upon catching up to her, he took hold of her wrist and started dragging her in the opposite direction.

"Hey! Get your filthy hands off me! I will not hesitate to scream!" She tried tugging her arm away.

"Calm down I'm not planning on kidnapping or anything like that sweetheart. I'm taking you back to my car."

She let out a dry laugh at that.

"But that's not kidnapping?" She raised an eyebrow at him.

"I have a spare shirt in the backseat that you can change into. Unless you wanna go home smelling like PBR." He looked back to see the mess one more time, lips curling up into a smirk.

Against her better judgment, she allowed him to take her all the way where his car was parked, standing there quietly as San rummaged through the backseat before taking out a clean plain white tshirt and held it out to her.

"Here. Put it on."

She looked at him with a face that asked if he was stupid.

"Well what?" He asked.

"Oh yes..I'm totally going to strip in a middle of the street and let anyone passing by see." She rolled her eyes at him.

"Oh for fuck's sake, there's nobody here, nobody is going to see and frankly I don't think anyone cares about seeing your non existent boobs." He scorned at her as he gestured to her chest.

"Ok rude and uncalled for." She felt slightly hurt by his comment, having always been somewhat insecure about the size of her chest.

"Don't look." She warned him.

"Not like I want to." He jeered at her as he turned away to not only give her privacy, but to also serve as a lookout for anyone that might accidentally show up and see the scene. He could hear her behind him tearing off her clothes and then slipping it back on.

"Ok there. I'm done." Y/N announced as she stuffed the soiled shirt into her bag.

"Not even a thank you?" San pouted slightly, to which Y/N gave a feigned smile.

"Thanks."

With that said and done, she brushed past him and started walking away, absolutely done with the night.

"Careful not to get caught sneaking back inside your house." She heard San say from behind.

"For your information I'm not living with them anymore. I moved into the dorms 2 months ago." She stated in a matter of factly, a proud look on her face.

"Well in that case....want to ride back with me?" He offered.

"Yeah no, I'd rather take my chances at being kidnapped and then butchered up. Besides, I wouldn't want to cut your wild night short." She declined the offer.

"Stop being so negative Nancy and accept my generosity. Geez."

Running over to her, he quickly snatched her up and threw her over his shoulder, ignoring her shocked exclaims and protests.

"Now this is really kidnapping!" She declared.

"Yeah I know, now shut up before I duct tape that bratty mouth of yours." San grinned mischievously as he tossed her into the backseat and shut the door before striding over to get on the driver's seat.

"Oh come on. Stop looking at me like I'm a criminal. Just because I indulge in a few sins every now and then, doesn't make me into a bad person." He stated when he saw the dirty look she gave him.

"Whatever." She muttered as she locked in her seatbelt.

San opted for just driving back to the dorms and get Y/N tucked in her bed since it was clear to him she needed it.

╬╬═════════════╬╬

"You're lucky my roommate is on vacation, otherwise I would have left your ass back there." Y/N spewed out as she threw her keys onto her dresser.

"Thanks Y/N, I always said you were the nicest and most giving person in the planet." San complimented her as he felt he should given she was letting him stay the night in her dorm after a little tiny incident with his keys dropping inside one of the manholes surrounding the university. And the administration office wouldn't be open til the morning, meaning he was screwed unless his roommate showed up to let him in, but that was a definite no since San knew Seonghwa would definitely end up in someone else's bed and come back til the next day, hickeys plastered all over his neck and chest.

"No, you always said I was the most stuck up-"

San shushed her by pressing a hand over her mouth.

"You dwell so much on the present image of me you drew up in your head that you completely erased the friend you had all those years ago." He slid his hand off her mouth, shoulders slumping down as he turned away from her to crouch on the floor.

"That friend doesn't exist anymore, that is if he even existed in the first place. If I recall, my friend wasn't into parties, booze, vaping, tattoos, piercings and fucking around with every whore in the school."

San didn't say anything as he heard her ramble, he just let her talk away as she started pulling out spare blankets and pillows for him to use.

"My Sannie was sweet, cute, adorable, always ready to lend people help and respectful to others." She reminisced with a sad look. Pulling her expression straight, she laid out the blankets and started arranging them neatly on the floor.

"I still am."

San's voice was so quiet that she barely registered that he even opened his mouth in the first place, but she heard him.

"Maybe if you weren't so puffed up with pride and didn't cut me off after I cut ties with the church, you'd see that I'm still the way I was. You think I changed completely because of ink and metal on my body? Because I wanted to try certain substances and yes, satisfy some perfectly normal and humane needs?"

Y/N averted her gaze from him and continued the task she was in. San let out a despondent scoff.

"Of course you do. And yet didn't I just demonstrate to you back there that I haven't changed? Giving you my shirt, giving you a ride, yeah I know, it's not much and no big deal, but wasn't those the types of things I'd do even back then?"

Y/N's tongue poked against her cheek as she knew she couldn't deny that was San said was absolutely true. He did nothing different back at the party as he used to do years ago. Helping old ladies with grocery bags, giving away some of his clothes to less fortunate kids, he was always known as being such a giving and kind person.....

No wonder so many were devastated when it was announced he had resigned as a member of the church. Y/N herself was hurt and even indignated by his decision. And after that she adamantly refused to see him or talk to him, and of course San respected her decision and avoided contacting her so as to not make her uncomfortable. He understood that their friendship was broken and he wasn't going to overstep boundaries just to try and fix it when the other party didn't want it. So he just decided to live his life as he thought was right without his conscience bothering him. And he was much happier now, he felt free, something that he had never felt before. Perhaps he was so chained down by formality, discipline, strict regulations and even fear that he didn't realize that he was miserable all that time until his eyes were fully open and he found he didn't like what he saw, especially after seeing the dark and ugly side of what was supposed to be a safe and pure sanctuary. He was let down severely and he suffered in the process. But now that was behind him and he had no regrets......

Except Y/N. He truly missed her and her company. As he laid on the makeshift bed on the floor, he found himself unable to sleep as he recalled all those fond times spent with her. The trips to the lake, hiking, first day of school, their first accident after he had gotten his driver's license. He let out an involuntary smile at that memory. Unbeknownst to him, the girl on her bed was equally reminiscing on the old days filled with her best friend. She had been so alone ever since she distanced herself from him, the world now feeling empty and cold without him. Shifting around in her bed, she whined into her pillow as she desperate tried to sleep.

"What's the worst thing you've ever done?" Her question startled San momentarily.

"Are you that sleep deprived that you're suddenly asking me to confess my worst sins?" He chuckled amusedly.

"Maybe it'll help me get actual sleep, I don't know. And.... I'm just curious." She clutched one of her plushies and started messing around with it.

"Curiosity killed the cat and I don't think your virgin mind will be able to handle my confession." He asserted confidently.

"I'm not a virgin, but oh well. Just tell me, what's the worst?" Her casual response made San flip out. He sat upright and kneeled at the front of her bed with an incredulous look.

"What do you mean you're not a virgin? When did you-?" He was so flabbergasted he wouldn't even finish his sentence.

Rolling over to where he was, Y/N smirked at him.

"Uh uh. I asked you a question first and you have to answer it before I can answer any you want."

Knowing he had no alternative, San placed his chin on the top of her mattress.

"Had a threesome with 2 of our professors." He laughed when he saw how shocked Y/N looked.

"What?! No way!" She refused to believe him.

"It's true. I won't tell you who they were since you won't be able to look at them the same way if I did...... I'll just dish this: they both got really huge tits and it's a shame they're married." He admitted with a smug expression.

"I can't believe you." She fanned her face which she was sure was now a deep crimson color.

"Ok now your turn. When did this happen? Who was it with?"

Y/N didn't even mind that San got up and crawled into her bed to lay down next to her. His face was rested on his hands as he looked at her with intense inquisitiveness. Knowing she'd have to talk about it sooner or later, she thought it would be best if San was the one to know since he would never tell anyone else and he'd understand since he was tainted as well.

"Remember when that group of missionaries came to stay over at our city for a while back in high school?"

San nodded, vividly remembering everything. Y/N blushed and smiled shyly.

"Do you remember that there was a family with a son our age? Chase?"

San widened his eyes and flopped over on his back as his hands came to hide his face.

"Oh dear lord, please don't tell me it was that Canadian boy." He groaned in pain.

"Yeah....yeah it was."

San couldn't stop cringing at the thought of his friend doing such a thing.

"How even did that happen?" He was so lost.

"I don't know! It just did ok? It happened while we were out in that camping trip. Somewhere there, we were left alone and we started talking about everything and nothing til it spiraled into talking about sex and us being virgins decided to see what was the big deal....." She bit her lower lip as the memory flashed in her mind. Looking over at San, she knew he was judging her as she expected. A tiny snort escaped his lips.

"That must have been the worst 45 seconds of your life." He joked, earning him a slap on his chest by Y/N's hand.

"It was not 45 seconds!............. it was 2 minutes."

San only laughed harder at that, nearly crying from how funny it was to him. He composed himself though when he saw how embarrassed Y/N looked about it. Feeling bad for laughing at her expense, he cleared his throat and patted her head.

"It's ok. First times are always awkward and uncomfortable. The problem was you weren't prepared and you were both inexperienced. He just didn't know how to please you."

Y/N couldn't help herself as she asked:

"And I suppose you can?"

Flipping onto his stomach, San cupped her chin with his hand and ran his thumb across her lower lip.

"Don't tread on dangerous territory little angel lest you want an evil demon to corrupt you." He warned her, and although he wouldn't actually follow through on it, he did want to tease her a little. But he wasn't expecting for Y/N to play along to his teasing, only she was not joking at all as she brought her face closer to his.

"Maybe I want you to corrupt me, show me what I've been missing out on." She brushed her lips against his, tongue daring to poke out and press on his slit briefly, leaving him stunned.

"You have no idea what you're asking for princess." San mused as he held himself back from touching her.

"I know what I'm asking for Choi San and what I'm asking for....is you." She responded with confidence.

Escaping from underneath the blanket that covered her, Y/N reclined back on the mattress, her head laying on her soft pillow as she gestured for San to come over to her, which he promptly did. Parting her legs so he could fit his body between them, he smirked softly down at her eagerness, fingers brushing against the soft skin on her thighs.

"You're serious about this?" He wanted to make sure it wouldn't be something she'd regret.

"I already messed up once, what's one more time gonna do?" She pulled him down against her, not caring when he lost balance and accidentally crushed her under him with his muscular body.

"Besides...." Wanting to further entice him, Y/N brushed her lips against his ear.

"Look at me and tell me you don't want to fuck me. That you don't want to stuff that hard cock of yours into my tight and inexperienced pussy. Bet you're itching to tear into me until I'm crying under you. Don't you want that?"

San let out a moan at hearing such filthy and depraved talk from her. It only fueled his appetite and hunger for indulging in carnal desires.

"Yes... I want that.... I want you."

Closing space between them, San molded his lips over hers, encasing them in a sloppy and wet kiss. Y/N could faintly make out the leftover scent of alcohol and nicotine as she let him taste her mouth, but she didn't mind or felt grossed out by it. She just kept her lips parted and allowed him to move his tongue freely inside her. Cupping her cheeks, San continued to roll his tongue over hers, massaging it gently with both deep yet gentle strokes. When he pulled away, he made sure to tuck her bottom lip between his teeth, pulling it towards him as Y/N let out a moan that was like music to his ears. Pausing briefly, their lips were barely touching as they breathed in each other's air. San was the first one to break into a smile, the one that had Y/N melting since it displayed his dimples to the fullest.

"Never thought I'd hear that sound come out of your pretty mouth." He teased her.

"S-shut up." She frowned, hand reaching up to smack his chest.

"It's not a bad thing. I like it. Now let's see if I can make sure you keep them up."

Stuffing his face into her neck, San ghosted his lips across her skin, tongue subtly poking out solely to hear her breath hitch slightly. Dipping his tongue into her collarbone, his lips opened up so they could firmly latch and spread wet kisses across her neck. Y/N gasped when she felt teeth sink down, head tilting back to give San more room which he took advantage of. Focusing on particular spots that he knew she was sensitive in, he sucked her skin into his mouth. Each time he pulled away, he reveled when he saw the finished mark that was now painted on her skin.

"I would love to see your parent's reaction to my love bites." He brushed a fingers across the newest spot he just embedded in her body, hand then reaching up to suddenly clasp around her neck. Y/N shuddered when his grip got tighter, her oxygen intake getting cut and making her feel hazy, but it was nonetheless enjoyable. Snaking a hand under her shirt, or more like his shirt, San swiped his tongue over his bottom lip as he started to pull the material up.

"How about I make some matching ones all across your pretty chest?"

Before he could lift the shirt any further, Y/N's hand clasped around his wrist, preventing him from moving any further.

"Don't." She begged him.

San retracted his hands away from her, fearing he made her uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry." He immediately apologized and began to move away from her, but Y/N's hands raked against his thighs to keep him in place.

"No, it's not you. It's just..... if we're going to do this, can I keep the shirt on? I don't...." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes as she admitted an insecurity of hers.

"I don't like my chest. My boobs are too small, it's unflattering and I'd rather you not see them." She slowly opened her eyes to see his reaction. San had a sad look on his face, bottom lip poking out as his fingers came up to brush against her cheek. Remembering what he had previously said back in the parking loyal, he felt terrible for saying that ill intended joke about her body. He probably hurt her and he didn't realize it.

"Y/N don't say that. Your chest size doesn't matter. You're beautiful the way you are and I bet underneath that layer is clothing there is the cutest and most adorable set of boobs in the world." She let out an involuntary giggle at his words, letting him run his hand down her clothed sternum.

"But if that's what you want, I'll respect it. Either way, my tshirt looks amazing on you." He acknowledged rather cockily.

Shifting further back, San took hold of the top of her shorts, making sure to look at her.

"Are you ok with these coming off?"

Y/N resisted the temptation to slap the top of his head.

"If you don't take them off, how are you going to fuck me genius?" She retorted.

"You'd be surprised at what I've learned." He uttered, mostly to himself than at her.

Like an expert, he practically tore her shorts down her legs, panties falling to the floor along with them. Y/N let out a soft squeal when he took hold of her thighs and brought her down so his face was at eye level with her most intimate part. San took a few seconds to admire her bare mound, lips parted and threatening to start drooling all over her thighs. Pressing both thumbs against each one is her lips, San pried her folds open, staring intently as he now clearly saw all of her.

"Oh fuck. I'm gonna need to prep you real good. I can tell you're going to be really tight."

She wanted to ask him what he meant by prep, but her words got caught in her throat when she felt his tongue delve into her core. She had never felt someone's mouth anywhere near her folds and she regretted not having experienced it before. Her eyes shut tight as she marveled at the sensation of San's tongue lapping at her bud, his lips making sure to enclose all around the flesh surrounding it before giving it gentle suckles. Shaky breaths blew out from her mouth, her legs wanting to close themselves around San's head but his firm grip on her thighs kept it from happening. He kept her knees pinned to the bed as his mouth continued to ravish at her taste, sloppily consuming her heat fervently. Her mind was so occupied in what he was doing that she didn't register the hand that slowly crept away from her thigh until she felt something poke at her entrance.

"Oh-" She gasped, opening her eyes to see what was going on.

"Relax princess. It's just my finger.....for now." He momentarily pulled off her heat to let her know what was happening before diving back in to continue his task of eating her out.

His finger inside her felt a little weird at first, sliding in slowly before pulling out only to plunge itself back into her. During one of those times where she expected him to slide back in, she was surprised when she felt herself being stretched out as San curled a second finger inside her. Keeping them lodged there, he began scissoring them alternatively so he could further spread her walls apart. During one of those movements, his fingertips brushed along her hood, making her hips slightly jolt up into San's face, who smiled against her folds as he now knew exactly where to angle his hips for later. Using this new knowledge, that was probably unbeknownst to Y/N, he slipped his fingers deeper into her, knuckles deep as he moved his tips rhythmically on the the spot he found. Y/N's mouth fell wide open into an 'O' as whiny gasps and airy moans poured out of it. San's mouth latched to her clit and his fingers working deep in her hole was producing a stirring in the lower pit of her stomach that she couldn't quite make out. But it felt good, especially since it continued to grow more and more, almost as if it was a cord about to snap.

"San- wait. I feel, I feel-" She couldn't finish her sentence as her body trembled slightly, a flood of overwhelming pleasure washing over her that was prolonged by San drinking up the juices that spilled forth out of her body. He didn't pull away until he made sure to swallow every drop she had to give.

"Aren't you grossed out?" She asked him, always having wondered about that.

"Nope. I love licking girl's pussies, especially if they're as sweet as yours." He affirmed while pulling his shirt off his body.

Y/N turned her flustered face away from him, keeping her gaze locked on the wall to her right, which was decorated with several polaroids of her with her family, friends and members of her church, some of them even had San in them, back when they were inseparable. Before she could become nostalgic, a strong set of hands clutched her chin and teared her gaze away from the pictures, forcing her to stare at the now naked man in front of her.

"Forget about that for now. Right now I want your full attention on me and what we're about to do. After we're done, that image of a good girl you have will gone." His words seemed to almost taunt her.

Although she tried not to look, Y/N's eyes fell in between San's legs, filled with astonishment when she glimpsed for the very first time at her former friend's member, fully erect and leaking at the tip as it awaited to be hugged by her warm walls.

"Like it? Maybe later I'll let you play with it." San giggled when her eyes shot up at him in surprise.

Placing himself to hover above her, he hummed lowly as he slowly stuffed himself inside her, working her open until he was fully nestled inside her warmth. Although she felt a light burn scraping against her inner walls, it wasn't unpleasant or painful like her first time. She could tell San knew exactly what he was doing as he began rolling his hips. Perfectly recalling exactly where to aim at, he made sure to angle his thrusts accordingly so each time he pushed back in, he'd hit her pleasure spot.

"Oh God-" Y/N exclaimed when he continued to brushed against the hood of her core.

"Really think it's a good idea to call out the good lord's name when I'm balls deep inside your pussy?" He asked with a malicious smirk plastered across his face.

"No baby. Tonight your only lord is me."

Pinning her wrists above her head, San continued pushing his cock deeper into her. The harsh pounding of his hips against hers was becoming louder, their bodies starting to get heated and producing sweat. Y/N couldn't do anything but whimper and wrap her legs around San's waist, keeping him firmly locked to her body. She closed her eyes once more as she felt the same familiar feeling from before start piling up, only it felt more intense and stronger probably due to the fact that she was getting railed to her bed by her ex best friend, whom she still cared about deeply. She was definitely not planning on making up with him this way, but holy hell, she couldn't deny that he was making her feel so many emotions at once. Pleasure, lust, satisfaction, happiness, euphoria, love? Perhaps that last one was definitely a stretch, but she blamed her confused thoughts on how well his cock was abusing her hole. She felt unable to focus on anything except him.

"Clenching so hard around me babygirl. Are you gonna cum all over my cock?"

Slipping one hand in between their bodies, San pressed his thumb against her clit, rubbing it back and forth so it would serve as an extra push to tip her over the edge. Y/N splayed her hands on San's lower back, nails raking against his skin, causing him to hiss.

"Fuck- am I seriously making you feel that good babygirl?" He knew for a fact he was feeling absolutely amazing, her tight warmth gripping along his shaft, making it hard for him to hold back much longer.

"Mmm yeah." She shamelessly moaned.

"Am I better than your first?" Although he already knew the answer, he still wanted to feed his ego and hear her say it.

"So much better! It feels so fucking good." She inhaled sharply when that she began to feel the sensation from before. With even louder cries from before, her body shook underneath San's, blood rushing to her head as an even greater orgasm coursed through her body. She was left speechless, a full on panting mess even after San had pulled out of her after helping her ride out her high.

"Oh geez. Shit." San's voice rasped out as he jerked himself off, his cum painting her thighs white, not stopping until he had finished coating them with everything he had to give.

Looking down at the mess, Y/N couldn't suppress a tiny giggle, one of her hands clasping over her mouth while the other picked up some of his cum and spread it between her fingers.

"Having fun there?" San grinned, finding her fascinated gaze to be completely adorable to him.

"Yeah.." She said as sat up to get a better look at the cum around her thighs.

"Well I was going to clean it off you, but seeing as you're so entertained by it, I'll just leave you with it."

Not forgetting that he was merely a guest, San slid himself off her bed and plopped his tired body onto the blankets on the floor. Closing his eyes, he was thinking he would finally be able to sleep, but he found his plans thwarted when he felt a pair of hands graze across his chest. Looking up, he found Y/N straddling his lap, biting down on her lower lip as she grinded her wet folds along his softened dick which was now becoming hard again thanks to her.

"What in the world are you doing you crazy girl?" He sucked in a breath, not expecting her to suddenly pounce on him.

"I wanna try that again." She pleaded, grinding her hips harder on him.

"Oh my- did I accidentally turn you into a nymphomaniac?" She chuckled at his joke and although he groaned as if he was frustrated, he obliged to her wishes and sat up.

Clasping her waist with his hands, he lifted her up and guided her so she could easily sink herself down on his length. Not letting go, he slowly rolled his hips up, burying himself deep in her body once more. Since they were both still riled up from their previous session, it didn't take long for both of them to start spewing out a clutter of moans and grunts as they once again get lost in a mist of lust that clouded their minds. San drunk up every expression on Y/N's face. Every twitch of her facial muscles, every shuddering breath she exhaled, each time her eyelids shut close, he marveled at seeing her enjoy the experience. He loved seeing her indulge in such an intimate practice with him, more so given how special she was to him, one of the most important people in his life aside from his family. Looking down at her torso, his fingers brushed along the hem of her shirt.

"Please...." His urging caught her attention.

"Please let me see all of you. I want to admire every inch of you and your beautiful body. I promise I won't laugh or judge. I just want to worship you."

Y/N hesitated briefly, still afraid to let him see what was hidden under the shirt.

"It's ok if you don't want to. I won't force you." He shot a kind smile at her as he focused back on making sure to drive his cock up into her.

Feeling safe and knowing she could trust her lifelong friend whom she thought of as a soulmate at one point, Y/N reached for the bottom of her shirt and peeled it off her body. Coming face to face with her bare chest, San groaned in ecstasy as he slid his hands up her body.

"Just as I predicted, you have very cute breasts."

Pulling her chest to his face, he opened his mouth and took one of her nipples in it, swirling his tongue around it before sucking on it. Y/N's fingers raked themselves through his hair, harshly tugging them when she felt his teeth sink themselves into her flesh.

"Aren't they too small?" She inquired.

Letting go of her breast with an audible pop, San cupped her chin.

"No baby, they're absolutely perfect. They're gorgeous, just like every other part of your body. You're gorgeous, absolutely stunning and holy fuck, you're driving me insane honestly." He confessed, his mouth diving into her other breast so it wouldn't feel left out from being tenderly kissed and sucked on.

His words sunk deep in Y/N's heart. He really did found her beautiful, attractive and it spurred something in her. Feeling a newfound passion, Y/N unconsciously began taking over their movements. Pushing against his thrusts, she began to set her own pace, rutting herself on top of his dick. San of course took notice and was happy about it.

"Oh wanna take over now baby? Well go ahead."

Laying back down on the floor, his eyes stared up at her with lust.

"Fuck yourself on me darling."

Encouraged by him, Y/N began bouncing herself on his cock. Finding an angle that she liked, she sunk down on his length over and over, her head thrown back as she used his body to push her down another spiral of immense pleasure. San just relaxed and admired the way she lost herself and gave into her deepest desires. He loved the way she rode his cock, and he loved feeling her walls tighten once more around his shaft.

"Oh shit- Sannie." She cried out his name as she quivered on top of him, her juices spilling out onto his cock once more.

Knowing fully well she was probably aching between her thighs, San gripped her hips and helped her ride out her climax so the feeling she was going through wouldn't go away just yet. He made sure to be gentle, easing her up and down his cock with absolute tenderness. Once he knew she was satisfied, he pulled her of him and set her down on the floor before sitting up above her body. Just like before, he took hold of his cock and began pumping his cum out of his body, plastering it all across her inner thighs and even splattering some on her stomach. Looking up, Y/N had the same giggly expression as before.

"Does my cum really make you burst into a fit of giggles?" He questioned her.

"I can't help it. It's just... I don't know. Maybe it's the fact it's so dirty and wrong, and then to have you spread it all over my body." She explained, which made San chuckle.

"Maybe I should baptize your thighs with my cum more often." Although he was joking, Y/N was more than willing to take him up on that offer.

"Will you?" She looked up at him with puppy eyes.

San studied her for a moment, before a wicked idea popped in his brain.

"How about you let me baptize and stain that pretty face of yours?"

Getting a hint of what he meant, Y/N got up on her knees while San stood up right in front of her, cock in hand as he brought it up to her lips.

"I hope you weren't planning on going to morning services tomorrow because I'm going to keep you up til morning until your knees hurt."

[dragon-kazansky]

Til death do us part | Helmut Zemo

Bodyguard AU! 🕶

Gender neutral reader

Collage by @realremyd

Here's the part where I stir up trouble because it's me and you know this by now.

Warnings: Mentions of threats, death, and suicide. I'm sorry if that's triggering. It's just mentioned.

[Previous chapter] - [Next chapter]

Part 11

You hadn't returned to the Baron again last night, and he hadn't called for you either. You managed to avoid him for the rest of the day.

Today, however, was a new day, and you couldn't keep avoiding him. You put on your stoic face, kept your mind on the job, and made your way up to his office.

At breakfast you had been joined by Natasha and Clint down in the kitchen. It was clear bt the way Clint was looking at you that Natasha had brought him into the loop.

"Why did you tell him?"

"I didn't. He has eyes, too. He can see it just as clearly as anyone," she states.

Clint grins.

You glare at him.

Clint just shrugged and agreed with her. He was the only one to tell you anything alone these lines:

"I think you should open up to him. Sure, you didn't get off on the right foot, but I think he likes you. Really. Maybe give him a chance?"

You chose to ignore that statement and get on with your work. If no one else was going to take their job seriously, then you had to be extra serious for them.

His life was still in danger.

You knock on the door, taking a deep breath as you waited for his reaponce. It cane moments later.

"Enter."

If only his voice didn't send shivers down your spine everytime you heard it.

You enter his office, barely looking at him, and make your way over to where you normally stand. However, you had noticed the way his desk was organised.

Much like yesterday, there was a tea set on a tray. It was a different set to yesterday's. These cups were a pale green and each one a a small pink rose painted on either side of the cup. The teapot had a dozen little roses around the top where the lid sat.

It was a pretty set. Once again, simple, but classy.

He poured two cups again.

"Please, join me," he spoke softly.

You did not want a repeat of yesterday. You remained standing.

Noticing that you hadn't made a move, he gazes up at you with gentle brown eyes. His lips are pulled into a soft smile.

You knew you shouldn't have looked at him, but now it was too late. Those dark eyes are luring you in, and don't forget that smile.

Why did you suddenly want to kiss him?

You swallow thickly, keeping eye contact with him as he continues to look at you with a smile.

"Please."

The way he speaks is so soft. He very clearly wanted you to join him. You hesitate.

"I'm on duty, sir."

"I want you to join me."

You look at the empty seat across from him. The tea would get cold if you didn't join him. Right, yeah, that's why you're going to sit down with him, you didn't want the tea to get cold.

You move over to the chair and take a seat, not looking at the way he was smiling at you now.

A plate of cupcakes sits between you. He takes one.

You look at the sight. Seeing the Baron with his dainty tea set, a cupcake, and a bright expression on his face, he looked so happy and relaxed.

You rather liked this side to the Baron.

You pick up the cup and sip from it. Another delicious tea from his collection. You won't mention how you knew he had a collection of different flavoured tea in a box downstairs in the kitchen.

You smiled at the thought of it though.

It made you feel like you had discovered something about him. A little thing he likes that he doesn't share with anyone else.

Except you, of course.

"How many tea sets do you have?" You ask, now forgetting all about that professional head you had tried to put on earlier. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to humour him.

He smiles widely at you.

"I have six as it stands. I do like to look at others, but I only get the ones that really catch my eye."

You have no idea what was going on with Helmut. The man was beyond pleased. You had initiated a conversation with him. You wanted to talk to him. He couldn't believe it. Perhaps he hadn't offended you as much as he thought after all.

Now, he just had to keep you talking.

"Six? Goodness. Do you use them all?"

"Yes. I switch between them," he grins.

"I'd like to see the others."

"All in due time."

You smile softly.

His heart could literally beat out of his chest right now. He made you smile, and you weren't even trying to hide it.

Feeling a little more willing to be less... stuck up, you reach out and grab one of the cakes.

This pleases him further.

You both eat the cakes and drink the tea. You let yourself smile openly around him.

You were accept he wanted to spend time with you. You wondered if he would indulge you in some information.

"May I ask you something?"

He looks at you with a big gentle eyes. His lips curl in the smallest of smiles.

"Of course."

You put down your nearly empty tea cup and sit up straighter.

"Will you tell me about the group who are after you?"

His smile fades. He hadn't expected that question. To be honest he wanted to keep them as far from mind as possible, but he supposed he did owe you an explanation after everything you had been through.

"They call themselves The Agent Association. John Walker founded it when I retired from the army. He is part of the reason Sokovia has been suffering, when he brought his little gang here to try and recruit me."

"Recruit you? What did he want you for?"

"I have many skills under my belt. I believe he wanted to use me."

"And you turned him down?"

"Yes. I had just left the military. I was ready to return home and settle down. He didn't like that," Helmut's voice became sad. Something struck you and you realised that this went so much deeper than just that.

"What happened? What did he do?"

Helmut looks at you. During the next few moments of silence he was debating on if he should share everything with you. He trusted you, it more came down to if he could bring himself to tell you what happened.

"Baron?"

He wants to tell you. He wants to share what happened to him with you. The reason he had been so cold before you came along.

"There was a woman. She was beautiful. I fell in love rather quickly with her, and she promised to wait for me. He promised I would marry her upon my return and we would live here together. I didn't know she knew Walker. As it turned out, he was in love with her too."

You were suddenly felt with dread.

"Helmut?"

That was it. That was the first time you had used his name. He stared at you, caught off-guard by the way it sounded from your lips.

You hadn't seemed to notice what you had done. Clearly you had been so comfortable with him, you had just let it slip.

He gathers himself.

"Heike. That was her name. She wasn't here when I got home. Three days and no word. I had feared she had chosen him over me, but it was a week later when I heard what had happened."

You felt uncomfortable.

"Heike had passed away. Her family hadn't known I was home, so that's why I hadn't heard anything yet. I was devastated. Two days of being locked away here in mourning with a broken heart, Walker showed up. He broke down my door, he marched up to my room, and then he proceeded to attempt to kill me."

You stare wide eyed, lips parted, mind blank.

"Walker thought I was fine reason she was dead. That she couldn't take choosing and ended her life. I wanted him to kill me. I wanted to be with her in death. He didn't do it. He dropped me and left. I didn't hear from him in years, but one day he shows up with his agents. He wanted to prove to me he had power and influence. Sokovia began to decline and it was because of him."

Helmut had taken notice of how you were leaning forward, listening intensely.

"He's trying to kill you because he thinks Heike killed herself over you?" You ask, whispering softly.

He nods.

"That's awful."

You get up and walk to his side. You place a hand on his shoulder and let it rest there.

"It wasn't your fault."

He turns his head to where he sees your hand. He looks at it. Your touch feels warm, even through his blazer.

"Wasn't it?"

"Of course it wasn't... or are you saying it was?" You ask, softly.

He shakes his head.

"I don't know. What if she had?"

"Do you want my honest opinion?" You ask, looking at him seriously.

"Please."

You kneel down beside him, hand still settled on his shoulder. You meet his eyes with your own.

"If she had ended her own life, I don't think it was over you. By the sounds of it, she was in love with you. She promised to wait."

"Then what do you think happened?"

"Walker. He's trying to kill you, very nearly had twice at this point. Maybe this goes deeper than you think. You're taking it from his word and not your own investigation. Considering all that happened, he isn't a wise form of information."

Helmut places a hand over yours and looks you in the eye. He swallows, letting your words sink in. Your kindness toward him is enough to spur enough confidence in him.

He brings your hand to his lips and kisses your knuckle gently.

He doesn't miss the shocked expression on your face. Startled, you take your hand back and stand up, but you don't walk away.

Already, he misses your touch.

He's not sorry for what he did, even if your reaction hurt him a little.

"Walker will not bring you harm. As your bodyguard I vow to protect you and see this through. I will not stop until Walker is stopped too."

Helmut looks at you with so much longing. His heart feels full. He smiles.

And I vow to protect you. I will not let him hurt you too. Walker will not hurt the people I love again.

He just can't bring himself to say it out loud.

Zemo no longer cares if it's your duty to protect him. He will not let you get hurt by the hands of Walker again.

When the time comes, the Baron will rest and the Colonol will come out to play.

I promise.

@thesuitkovian @justfangirlthingies @belle82devart @zemosimp420 @anteroom-of-death @silverlambcaptain @that-stupid-head-tilt-thing @lieutenantn @daniielbruhl @awesomesauce-abbie @latenightartist-author @lazygurl05 @rumblelibrary @nonamec0s @shura-gorl @ginger-abreu @caligrl1992 @livvyshmiv @luciadiosa @vverliebt @tatooineisdry @charistory @somethingthatsaysbubbles @apparrio @alex-the-nb @thewrongkhristol @hb8301 @the-chaotic-cow @mssennimatilda @uncomfortablebagel @fictionlandslanddreams

[asilentfrenzy]

let's add some concluding drunk thoughts to this, shall we? seeing as i have more to say than was necessary for the response

(and because, you know, i'm gonna make novel long, extra ass rants about lucien til the day i die)

the inner circle literally bullied and used lucien

there is no getting around that, there is no sugar coating that, and there are no excuses

now, from the examples in that previous post, let's look at the type of treatment lucien returns to them in exchange for their belittling, mocking, lack of respect or understanding, and distrust (all while still being perfectly happy to accept lucien's help)

"'This isn't what I expected,' he said, taking in the sprawl of Velaris.

'The city is still rebuilding after the Hybern attack.'

His eyes dropped to the carved balcony rail. 'Even though we had no part in that... I'm sorry. But - that's not what I meant.'"

*

"Silence fell, and Rhys and Cassian again walked away, understanding the emotion swimming in Lucien's eye - the meaning of the long breath he blew out.

When we were alone, Lucien rubbed his eyes. 'I've seen Rhysand do such... horrible things, seen him play the dark prince over and over. And yet you tell me it was all a lie. A mask. All to protect this place, these people. And I would have laughed at your face for believing it, and yet... this city exists. Untouched - or until recently, I suppose. Even the Dawn's court's cities are nothing so lovely as this.'

'Lucien -'

'And you love him. And he - he truly does love you.' Lucien dragged a hand through his red hair. 'And these people I have spent my centuries hating, even fearing... they are your family.'"

i just LOVE how lucien sincerely apologizes for her court being damaged despite the fact spring had no part in it directly after feyre intentionally destroyed his lmfao

also can i just say how tired i am of everything about the night court and the inner circle being the literal best in every way. it's obnoxious. "even the dawn court's cities are nothing so lovely as this" 🙄🙄🙄🙄

"We were almost to the door, Cassian already in the hall, when Lucien said to me, 'Thank you.'

I didn't dare ask him for what."

-

"Lucien considered. 'Can I offer my unsolicited advice?'

Rhys smirked. 'I think that's the first time anyone at this table has ever asked me such a thing.'"

-

"Rhys swirled his wine once, set it down, and said to Lucien, 'You and Azriel should talk. Tomorrow.'

Lucien glanced toward the shadowsinger - who only nodded at him. 'I'm at your disposal.'"

throughout the entire series. lucien does all he can for feyre and others. he's the loyal friend. and he's used and mistreated by them. and he still helps those who are not his friends and offers respect and understanding even after they mock and threaten him and never truly accept him

lucien was feyre's first friend in prythian

he was a dick to her at first, yeah, because she killed his other close friend. yes, that was what tamlin's men were being sent out for, but that does not change the fact that she murdered his friend in cold blood with true hate in her heart. i can see why he was a dick to her at first

but then he wasn't. and then after that throughout the series he continued to speak up for her. and all that he did for her under the mountain?? but then he gets no sympathy for his own ptsd

actually, feyre later takes advantage of his ptsd in acowar, as i always like to point out

speaking of the incident of her taking advantage of his ptsd, let's see how he treats her directly after that -

"I'd been wearing my cloak, but... he'd indeed given me his. He shivered against the cold as we dragged and clawed our way up the mountain slope, and did not dare stop."

as much as people want to say lucien only went with her because of elain - that is clearly not the case. lucien would not have done things like give her his cloak in the freezing cold even after the whole journey of her completely not trusting him at all (funny. considering she was the one who had just been lying to him the whole time she was at the spring court) to the point of not sleeping in case he tried to attack her

and then there is this next bullshit where he literally told her not to do something in his home court (as if he doesn't know better in his own court) and she didn't listen and ended up fucking them both. i sure as shit wouldn't be giving up my cloak (and after this journey is where all those examples of them not trusting him are from. he made this journey with her and helped her, and yet 🤔🤔)

"'My father's court lies due northward. We'll have to go to the east or west to avoid it.'

'No. East takes us too close to the Summer Court border. And I won't lose time by going too far west. We go straight North.'

'My father's sentries will easily spot us.'

'Then we'll have to remain unseen,' I said, rising."

(god she's so obnoxiously arrogant it's unbearable lol)

what is also interesting about her making him prove his trust for so long and so cruelly was that he knew feyre was lying the whole time. from the second she got back to spring. he knew. yet he still acted like a friend. still helped her. still was loyal

"'We are not your enemies, Feyre,' Lucien pleaded. 'Things got bad. Ianthe got out of hand, but it doesn't mean you give up -'

'You gave up,' I breathed.

I felt even Rhys go still.

'You gave up on me,' I said a bit more loudly. 'You were my friend. And you picked him - picked obeying him, even when you saw what his orders and his rules did to me. Even when you saw me wasting away day by day.'

'You have no idea how volatile those first few months were,' Lucien snapped. 'We needed to present a unified, obedient front, and I was supposed to be the example to which all others in the court were held.'"

here is the issue with feyre and her expectations of lucien when it comes to this. lucien has a duty to his court. there are maaaany others he has to try and look after and many duties he has to keep the spring court together during this time - ESPECIALLY since tamlin is a fucking mess. there is so much to clean up and so much to prepare for. feyre is not the only person that exists in the spring court and lucien cannot go to war with his high lord for feyre

"But Lucien... 'You took Ianthe in that cave on Calanmai?'

He wouldn't meet my gaze. 'She insisted. Tamlin was... Things were bad, Feyre. I went in his stead, and I did my duty to the court. I went of my own free will. And we completed the Rite.'"

*

"He might have completed the Great Rite with Ianthe of his own free will, but he certainly hadn't enjoyed it. Some line had been blurred - badly."

lucien has proven to be uncomfortable with things related to sex and women due to his past with jesminda, and ianthe sexually harasses him and later tries to rape him. yet he cares so much for his court and the people that he sacrificed himself like that. so, clearly, he's pretty devoted to making sure spring survives

and, yes, he did speak up to tamlin for her and tried to help her with him. he did not just sit by and do nothing. i am so tired of hearing this. apparently you all didn't read the books

which leads into my next point. feyre's bullshit, dramatic guilt tripping speech about "you were my friend. and you picked him -" (as if you've ever been much of a friend to him, feyre lol especially later in the books) "- you picked obeying him."

okay, nah. this is the problem lol. feyre literally blames lucien because she expected him to go against his high lord (i'm sorry, but in this world build - the word of the high lord is law, and if you go against that you're fucked), and at that point tamlin was not putting up with lucien and not treating him as a friend. lucien was visibly scared of him

"Lucien cleared his throat. 'She meant no harm, Tam.'

'I know she meant no harm,' he snapped.

Lucien held his gaze. 'Worse things can happen. Just relax.'

Tamlin's eyes were feral as he snarled at Lucien, 'Did I ask for your opinion?'

Those words, the look he gave Lucien and the way lucien lowered his head'"

-

"'There’s only so much I can do,” he said hoarsely. “But I’ll ask him tonight. About the training. The powers will manifest whether we train you or not, no matter who is around. I’ll ask him tonight,” he repeated.'"

-

"'We are not assassins,' Lucien had cut in. Rhys is what he is, but who would take his place -

My blood went cold, and I could have sworn ice frosted my fingertips.

Lucien had gone on, his tone pleading, 'Tamlin. Just let her train, let her master this - if the other High Lords do come for her, let her stand a chance.'

Silence fell as they let Tamlin consider.

My feet began moving as soon as I heard the first words out of his mouth, barely more than a growl. 'No.'

With each step of the stairs, I heard the rest.

'We give them no reason to suspect she might have any abilities, which training will surely do. Don't give me that look, Lucien.'

Silence again.

Then a vicious snarl, and a shudder of magic rocked the house.

Tamlin's voice had been low, deadly. "Do not push me on this."

I didn't want to know what was happening in that room, what he'd done to Lucien, what Lucien had even looked like to cause that pulse of power."

-

“'Just—be patient, Feyre,” Lucien tried, wincing as he followed after Tamlin. “Please. I’ll see what I can do. I’ll try again.'”

even before tamlin became his high lord before his friend - in book one he still, at the end of it all, saw him as his high lord

"'Lucien,' my captor said quietly, the name echoing with a hint of a snarl. 'Behave.'

Lucien went rigid, but he hopped off the edge of the table and bowed deeply to me."

-

"'So,' he said, 'when are you going to start trying to persuade me to beseech Tamlin to find a way to free you from the Treaty's rules?'

I tried not to jolt. 'What?'

'That's why you agreed to come out here, isn't it? Why you wound up at the stables exactly as I was leaving?' He shot me a sideways glance with that russet eye of his. 'Honestly, I'm impressed - and flattered you think I have that kind of sway with Tamlin.'"

-

"'He would probably shred them for disobeying his order to stay away.'

A brush of ice slithered across my nape. 'He would be that brutal?'

Lucien studied the wine in his goblet. 'You don't hold onto power by being everyone's friend'"

i know the inconsistency with how the construct of the night court is extremely disconnected from the rest of the courts (which, honestly, really takes me out of the story. i like the vibe of the first book because they actually felt like faeries) in a way that makes you forget these are meant to be faeries with old fashioned thinking combined with the brutal way faeries think and live. but you cannot compare the dynamic of the other high lords and their courts and subjects to what you see of the night court which is basically the high lord and his buddies. so yeah - it's going to seem like lucien could have pushed his arguing further like rhysand's "brothers" do, but that's not how it was for lucien, and feyre really tried to expect lucien to risk his life or risk getting severely punished/getting thrown out (which would leave the people of spring who he really cares about far more lost without him)

lol but why do i keep bringing up the other members of the spring court? feyre clearly doesn't give a fuck about them. she destroyed their court and left so many innocents completely vulnerable during a horrific and devastating war

(it's also interesting how rhysand gets a pass for murdering and torturing for the sake of his court yet lucien not risking his life by pushing his high lord too far and focusing on all of spring rather than just one sole person for his court is too far and he doesn't get a pass like rhysand)

"even when you saw me wasting away day by day." k. this is another annoying fucking line. again, lucien tried. on top of that - when the fuck has feyre taken the time to care about lucien's ptsd? they all have ptsd. and meanwhile, while tamlin is struggling with his own, lucien has to forget his and focus on keeping the court together. again. how dare feyre make him feel like he left her alone with her ptsd only to later on take advantage of his and put him in danger at the same time

"I never realized what a powerful motivator guilt could be."

(hmm... you sure 'bout that, feyre? because you seem pretty fkn familiar with that tactic)

lucien has suffered and been cast aside his whole life. he grew up being horribly abused and also watching his mother receive the same treatment. he then had to watch the woman he loved be murdered in front of him by his family. despite that and the hate and ptsd and mistrust and detachment and all else that comes with that sort of trauma - he does not hold that in his soul for others. even for people who treat him like shit. he doesn't owe any of them anything. not one single person. he owes them all nothing. and yet he gives his kindness, forgiveness, effort, respect, and understanding anyway despite how none of them appreciate him to the point where he is completely alone and has no home by the end of the series (until jurian and vassa but we still know little about them).

and it's very clear how lost and alone he feels no matter what amount of effort and sincerity he puts in

“'as the youngest of seven sons, i wasn't particularly needed or wanted. Perhaps it was a good thing. I was able to study for longer than my father allowed my brothers before shoving them out the door to rule over some territory within our lands, and I could train for as long as I'd like, since no one believed I'd be dumb enough to kill my way up the long list of heirs. And when I grew bored with studying and fighting... I learned what I could of the land from its people. Learned about the people, too.'"

"As if sensing my thoughts, Lucien said, 'You don't have to waste your time convincing me. I get it. I get... I get that we were not what you wanted. Or needed. How small and isolated our home must have been for you, once you saw this.' He jerked his chin toward the city, where lights were now sparkling into view amid the falling twilight. 'Who could compare?'

I almost said, 'Don't you mean what could compare?' but I held my tongue."

-

"'One would think, Lucien, that you'd be glad I fell in love with my mate, given that you're in the same situation Rhys was in six months ago.'

'You left us.'

Us. Not Tamlin. Us. The words echoed into the dark, toward the howling wind and lashing snow beyond the bend.

'I told you that day in the woods: you abandoned me long before I ever physically left.' I shivered again, having every point of contact, that I so desperately needed his warmth. 'You fit into the Spring Court as little as I did, Lucien.'

*

His metal eye whirred. 'And where, exactly, do you believe I will fit in? The Night Court?'

I didn't answer. I didn't have one, honestly."

-

"'What was your motive where I was concerned? Did you plan to spare me from your path of destruction because of any genuine friendship, or simply for fear of what it might do to her?'

I didn't answer.

'Well? What was your grand plan for me before Ianthe interfered?'

I pulled at a stray thread in the bedroll. 'You would have been fine.'"

-

"'I hadn't realized I was the villain in your narrative,' Lucien breathed.

'You weren't.' Not entirely."

aaaand on top of that - his mate currently wants nothing to do with him (who he also feels heavy guilt and deep betrayal for even wanting at all because of jesminda despite how he can't control it because he's heartbreakingly loyal)

so, yeah, if you excuse feyre's treatment of him with the claim that he apparently "just stood by" then you can fuck all the way off

now! let's say it all together now, friends!

lucien vanserra doesn't owe feyre or anyone jack shit

[xplrvibes]

I sent you an ask earlier but it showed as error so im going to assume you didnt get it and send it again because there are times i feel like its a reach with her but apparently when it comes to snc nothing is so i want an opinion .

While living in Vegas she had one of these sponsors where she gave followers a code, it was about a backpack and she promoted it like no other. Yet based on stuff i’ve seen of her provided by people keeping track of her nonsense, she always uses a xplr backpack that i have not even seen on snc. From that and moments where she posts herself i noticed she really does live in their merch. It goes beyond support as well, she wears it for tiktoks, dresses guests in it for tiktoks and when around snc she has it on all the time. It reminded me of a comment i saw on here where someone called her a walking billboard for xplr. I noticed in the new preview she even has the new color block hoodie they released. So its either rave clothing (ick) or every single merch drop since 2020.

A few weeks ago while out and about with a certain someone, people noticed a bouquet of roses in the background of one of her posts. She liked comments alluding to the fact that someone, a particular someone gifted them to her. Yesterday, she posted the exact same flowers with a discount code with her name on it. Its boxed roses for those wondering. Plus i dont think its algorithm what keeping her from supporting Katrina, she answers fans when the questions arent even for her or addressed to her, she is first (and the only one) liking core4 stuff on twitter, she has even liked things that only mentioned Colby and then unliked as if she realized she wasn’t mentioned. Katrina over promotes herself so i doubt shes not going to see 1 of those posts but does happen to see Colbys one tweet every few weeks and likes those.

She doesnt support anything that isnt snc or colby. She has many other “friends” with big projects and she never says a word, but like someone mentioned she made “Skin” fit into a rave/techno playlist. Up until yesterday she still liked pics of her and Colby in Europe and keeps mentioning Wales (ahem). Not exaggerating when i say i hope Kat drops her and its a domino effect.

I definitely did not receive the previous ask you sent, so thank you for re-sending it! I think asks have been getting eaten again 😕.

When it comes to wearing merch in snc's videos, I think thats a strategic decision that snc make to subtely promote whatever merch they have coming down the pipeline. I've noticed others that appear in their videos do that as well, on occasion. So, I assume they handed her and Kat some merch and said "wear this at some point during the next couple vids," and that was that.

As far as for every other day in her life- yea. She's always in xplr gear lol. I don't think I've ever seen her not in it (except for the rave outfits). It really does seem like 80% of her wardrobe is snc/Colby related. It's odd, but if someone was handing me free $50 hoodies hand over fist, I'd wear them til they completely unraveled lol.

As far as the rest of it (ie: the roses and the weird shit she likes on twitter), that's the stuff I have a hard time digesting sometimes. It gives me horrible flashbacks to the days of 🖤🦋, if ya know what I mean lol.

That being said: if this is what she feels she needs to do to get ahead and get notoriety and get her name out there...I mean, that's kind of pathetic, but whatever. That's something that snc need to put the kibosh on if it concerns them, since it's their name and popularity she's exploiting for her own gain. If they don't care...not much we can do about it, really. I choose to try my damndest to not give her what she wants, which is my attention. (Somedays it works better than others, lol).

But yea, I think somethings rotten there. And I do agree, I think it's only a matter of time before a fracture starts, and I think you'll see it start with Kat and work it's way up from there. She's gonna get sick of the selective displays of support eventually, especially if Stas claims to be her friend first. It's really only a matter of time. 🤷‍♀️

Oh, and btw: the roses thing. Wouldn't it be hilarious if Colby actually did get her a box of cheap ass roses that he used her own discount code to obtain? I am an avid watcher of colbybrockscloset on instagram, I know that he had an outfit on one day that was worth $6,500 US dollars. This man has TWO mansions and a closet full of designer clothes; I'm sure he could afford to send fresh roses if he so chose. So the idea of him using an influencer discount code to get a deal on something like that strikes me as funny.