#there are absolutely no public resources for me to get diagnosed where I live and private practices are crazy expensive!!

[desiretoadore]

You can really tell most of the people who are “anti-self diagnosis” are neurotypicals who have never had to try to get professionally diagnosed in their entire lives. They have no clue how long, frustrating and expensive the process can be, how many places don’t even have to resources for you to get diagnosed and even how often people get professionally misdiagnosed. It’s absurd they think they have a say in whether your diagnosis is valid or not.

[drdemonprince]

Hi I keep thinking back to your book unmasking autism, I recently was diagnosed with level 1 by my new psychiatrist but with losing my healthcare I feel lost on how to function without medical assistance. I typically mask and been learning how not to, but it always feel at the opportunity cost of more money, overly explaining to family or grief. I’ve been in a loop of feeling I shouldn’t exist due to my disability and it a sad feeling.

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I'm certain you already know this, but it's not the case that you shouldn't exist because you are disabled. The vast majority of people on this planet find it absolutely soul-sucking and exhausting to present as what gets called "neurotypical" at work. It's too many hours of pretending to be someone you are not, with no space allotted for your full humanity, with not enough energy or hours left behind to look after oneself, have nourishing authentic relationships, and ample space to recover, be playful and joyful, and dream. Every person requires ample time and space for themselves to recouperate, and to listen to the actual feelings that they have inside, and capitalism instead demands that we suppress all of it, and it can slowly eat away at us and make it difficult to access authentic pleasure or connectedness. For Autistics it's especially pronounced because we are such a bad mismatch with what capitalism demands, and because we need so much energy recovery time, but it's simply the case that you are not broken or defective for failing to fit within such an oppressive system. It is that system that should not exist, and that terrorizes everybody, to varying degrees. I bet if you look at the most "well adjusted" hard working people that you know, you see how their lives have been totally ruined by overworking and killing what's wild and free about themselves, or what used to be those things.

I have spoken to hundreds of Autistic people in the situation you are in at this point, and I have found that for the majority of us, embracing our disability and articulating our needs means that very dramatic changes have to happen in our lives. Some people have to reorient how they interact with their families, establish new boundaries, push to really educate them on neurodivergence, go no contact, or rethink what family means to them altogether. Lots of us leave careers or switch to part-time or remote work, or have to get incredibly creative and resourceful in order to survive in a way that we can stand: going on disability benefits, public assistance, living with friends, pooling resources, going off the grid in some way, finding some side hustle or scam that makes it possible to survive, doing sex work or freelance, taking on childcare or eldercare duties for a friend who is employed, or something of that nature are all options I've seen a lot of unmasking Autistics pursue. None of these options are ideal, and they all come with significant costs and risk factors. But then, so does killing oneself slowly with work.

I have a whole book coming out next year in March about these specific considerations, with lots of tools and decision trees and research and quotes from other Autistics. The book is designed to help Autistics who are in that second stage of their unmasking journey sort out what a life where it is possible to be less masked means for them. Where can they live? Who is gonna support them? What matters to them in their life? How can they reset their relationships in light of their neurodivergence? What does it mean to grow old as a disabled person? These are the kinds of questions the book will hopefully help me explore, and discover the best answers for themselves. Of course, many people would say that their only way out of this is the downfall of capitalism, but I personally am of the mind that we have to make that end happen ourselves by working less hard, consuming less where possible, leaning on other people, providing support to our neighbors, becoming less reliant upon our employers and the government, and building our collective escape from the capitalistic machine. And we can all have some small part in that, even if only for ourselves and those immediately closest to us. That's enough.

I hope that you find a way of life that is sustaining and feels whole and good for you. As neurodivergent people we do things very differently. And that is both the curse and the beauty of us. The prescribed script we've been given for how life is supposed to look is never going to work for us. Indeed, it's not working for most anybody else either. There way forward will not be easy, and the lot you've been given to deal with is not fair, but there are also millions of other disabled people just like you who are leaning on one another, slowing down, refusing to play into the existing system's hand as much as is possible for them, and making a new world. And just by pondering the things that you are, you're helping already to make that new world too.

[briarpatch-kids]

this ask got away from me so 1, i just want to clarify i'm agreeing with you, and 2 i understand if you don't post it lol.

i have had someone try to Gotcha me by asking how i'm alive by now if i'm really too disabled to work. i told them i had support growing up or i'd be dead lol like i don't know what they expected. survivorship bias is wild.

Like. If you are relatively low support needs, yes you can absolutely still suffer from a lack of money/insurance or have parents who don't care or are working so much they don't have time to act etc, and you end up undiagnosed and untreated into your adulthood. That sucks! It does!

But if you're a HIGH support needs person in that same position, either you catch the notice of a public school teacher or something and get access to free or cheap resources, or you are much less likely to MAKE IT to adulthood.

so we end up with this weird crossroads of relatively low support needs people (i'm not up on terminology i apologize) getting diagnosed as adults, and some of them turning around and resenting higher support needs people with early diagnoses, and assuming they've led some kind of charmed life.

but like. no i don't actually think my childhood friend with a more visible disability than me is "privileged" over ME because she had a school-funded aide for a few years and was subjected to our shitty town's probably traumatizing special ed system. i didn't get diagnosed because my parents were oblivious and i was able to mask, and that ability is a privilege i'm VERY aware of because early diagnosis of my ND issues against my will specifically would have HURT me.

it frustrates me because i experience kind of the other version of this with my physical disabilities. i was visibly not okay most of the time, but i lived in the middle of nowhere with no infrastructure for complex medical issues. most of my shit didn't get diagnosed or treated until my twenties and some of it STILL isn't, and that has done lasting harm to my body and brain. and i'm still one of the fucking lucky ones. if i had my same support needs but grew up as poor as i am now, i'd be dead.

so like, am i MORE or LESS privileged than a poorer person living in a bigger city who got diagnosed young but didn't need the supports and just got the stigma? or a rich person who can buy their own adaptive tech but has such a rare and severe case that they still have no diagnosis and are constantly playing a guessing game about what will help and what will make things worse? it's meaningless. privilege is an element of our lives not a label to slap on and call it a day

I feel you, I'm a similar situation to you where as a kid I needed support and didn't get it but could kinda get by, and yeah it sucked but like... I'm still here and while that's not quite a privilege it's certainly something that only happened because I'm lucky and I wouldn't trade "needs support or would die" for having support as a kid.

It's a privilege in the sense of like "don't be a dick to people who wouldn't have survived without supports because they got help" but people who struggled and could make it aren't "privileged" because a lot of times we barely made it and were at a disadvantage compared to our abled peers.

[the-prophesied-disco-gay]

The comments on this post really show how wildly different homeschooling is from place to place in this country. Because it's not federally regulated, experiences vary wildly.

I homeschooled my eldest for most of school and my youngest for part of it, though she is back in public school now. It was not a religious or fundamentalist curriculum at all and it exceeded all state requirements. We also had to notify the state each year we intended to homeschool and keep all records for review to make sure they were getting adequate education. It was neither unregulated nor extreme, and provided us a way to maintain our kids education when public school wasn't an option. When my youngest reached a point of being able to return to public school, the autoimmune stuff was well controlled enough for it to be safe, she was above grade level. We also made sure they were able to maintain social lives, extra-curriculars (most districts will allow homeschooled kids to enroll in public school extra-curriculars like sports and clubs and band), and field trips.

Now, to be clear, that is not how it usually goes. Our situation is unusual and many homeschooling situations absolutely are abusive and/or neglectful. I'm not sharing this to go "nu uh!" about the issues that have been raised here.

We had 4 MAJOR factors that impacted this process:

1. Homeschooling is not unregulated in my state. They keep an eye on the homeschooled kids the same as the public school kids. There are requirements for curriculum, testing, immunizations, attendance, all of it. It's not exactly the same (for instance, attendance is based on work completed, not hours sat in a chair, because most of the homeschooled kids here are either very ill/disabled or they have a career, like acting or music, that requires travel) but it's enough to help make it both safer and better for the needs of the kids. They even have homeschool options through public school, where kids can video chat with their classmates and teachers. That system was already in place when Covid hit and they simply transferred all students to it when needed. It was one of the smoothest transitions in the country, because we had systems in place for homeschooled kids.

2. I went to college to become a teacher and worked as one for a while. I know how to plan a curriculum, how to build lessons, how to incorporate day to day experiences into learning. Fractions in the kitchen and geometry in the backyard and history at the art museum and econ at the grocery store. Education didn't have set hours. It was incorporated into their day to day, and they still seek out information on their own all the time because of those habits. Being educated as a teacher, even if it didn't become my career, gave me an enormous advantage in homeschooling my kids.

3. We are poor. Like not "oh no how are we going to afford car repairs" kind of poor. "Walking around town to collect change off the sidewalk to get a dollar for toilet paper" kind of poor. But we live in a very poor state, so there are many supports for poverty. Free museum days at both the art museum and the natural history museum, occassional free community days at the science museum, free admission to all state parks and monuments and ruins, lots of library activities, free zoo and aquarium admission certain days, there is SO MUCH available if you qualify, which we did. This allowed us to incorporate a large amount of learning without having to pay for hundreds in materials. The library also had workbooks that we could use as long as we didn't write directly in them. Lots of resources.

4. I am chronically ill and disabled. It is hereditary. My kids are chronically ill and disabled. I was not diagnosed until after they were born, so it's been a learning curve for all of us. My eldest especially could NOT handle public school. It was killing her. That's not hyperbolic. We went through 3 schools in 3 years trying to find accommodations that would work for her. We were unable to. It was her doctor that first suggested homeschooling. My kids are happier and healthier and more successful because I was able to homeschool them. There was an enormous reduction in trauma. Because homeschooling allows a tailoring and flexibility that public school does not, an environment that public school cannot customize in that way, a methodology that can be adjusted based on individual needs. I have kids that *needed* homeschooling because of the ways in which it differs.

Maybe these could be some starting points for how to make it better and safer nationwide? I don't know all the answers, but I know what worked for us and why it worked for us.

Anyway enough lame gifted kid discourse we are in our 20s. Let's talk about how homeschooling in america should be fucking illegal it's insane lol

[many-but-one]

TW suicide and self harm mention

Hi! Could you as someone with DID help me better undestand my situation?

I am a singlet but I hear constantly voices in my head that are not my own and I have had hard time trying to understand them. I've been doing so much research of DID to figure out if I could have it but I don't have one childhood trauma but C PTSD from childhood neglect.

I have been able to recognise that one of the voices belong to a young girl who sits alone in a dark room. She only ever says "I want to die. Let me die. Go away. Leave me alone".

Two other voices are just voices without any looks. One of them is a strict and mean caretaker-like person who tells me to mask in public (I have autism) and shouts and screams if I do something wrong / mess up.

The last voice tells me to self harm, cut my limbs off and kill myself.

I don't have an inner world but I can sometimes imagine very vividly the little girl in the dark room and when I was younger I had this place I used to imagine where I am stuck inside a huge cardboard box filled with dust. It was just something that used to reoccur inside my head.

Other than that, I have amnesia only if I'm very tired or stressed out and even then I miss only like 1 hour or less at a time.

Sometimes I dissociate, it used to be regular when I studied (derealization and depersonalization). Now it's like once a week or when I see something triggering from my childhood.

And I only have had the little girl speaking through my mouth. It's like having tics where I can't control myself and she always says "Let me die" or something like that.

Does this sound like a DID to you? Because I don't know how to explain this. I have no idea why I keep hearing those voices. I am seeing a psychiatrist but atm we are trying to get me autism diagnosis.

Heavy sigh.

Okay, anon. I’m sorry it has to be this post that makes me snap, but I’m gonna have to do it to ya. This goes to every anon that does this to OSDDID accounts. I see this absolutely everywhere on a lot of OSDDID folks’ pages, especially the folks who are more “well known” in the tumblr community. (Not saying I’m one of them but I do get these messages very VERY often, and I see them everywhere.)

Anons who are having a mental health issue, please fucking STOP sending anon messages to OSDDID accounts asking “does me doing x, y, z mean that I have DID?” Or “I show all these signs of DID do I have it?” Like. I understand that you’re confused. I understand you need help. But if you are hearing voices telling you to fucking kill yourself, you NEED to see a mental health professional, not ask a rando on tumblr if you have an EXTREMELY COMPLEX DISORDER that can literally takes YEARS to diagnose in someone. Like…I am fully okay with self dx with adequate research. If you think that’s what you have, fucking great. Work on coping skills. If you find out later you don’t have it? Great. Now you can move on and try and figure out what’s going on. I am fully aware not everyone has access to good mental health care. I am aware that mental health specialists are often absolutely fucking shitty.

HOWEVER!

STOP. MESSAGING. RANDOM. TUMBLR. CREATORS. ASKING. IF. YOU. HAVE. A. COMPLEX. DISSOCIATIVE. DISORDER.

Do I make myself clear, anons? This goes to every single one of you. I generally don’t answer and delete a solid 3/4ths of you because half the time your rambling makes absolutely no sense and I’m very sorry but I really don’t care. I don’t know who the hell you are. My brain is split into shards and I’m working on trying to survive the fucking day here. I’m working on how to live without numbing myself to the world. I do not have time to try and join the circle-jerk of validation that y’all want from me.

If you wanna DM me and let me get to know you more, we can discuss things further. With more nuance. We can have an actual discussion. I would absolutely LOVE that. Because maybe I can point you into a direction of good coping skills, good resources, and places to find a sense of community that isn’t tumblr dot com. I’d love to get to know you and help you. But if you come at me in my inbox with anon as your name asking me to validate your experiences with barely a paragraph worth of information, that’s not gonna fucking happen.

What answer are you looking for, anon? Do you want me to say “Yep! Sounds like DID to me!” Because I am not a professional and if I were to be so quick to hand out validation cards because you would feel better if a random tumblr account agreed with you, I doubt that would actually help you in ANY way. Yes, validation feels good and it feels good to be seen and heard but I don’t fucking know you and you’ve given me what sounds like suicidal voices in your head and some possibly inner world activity. I hate to break it to you, but CDDs are a LOT more than just alters and voices and an inner world. It’s basically C-PTSD on steroids and if you don’t show any signs of C-PTSD then you might be looking in the wrong direction. But of course how am I to know that because I don’t know you and you can’t possibly explain your entire life story in a fucking tumblr ask. It sounds like you already know what you’re experiencing, you just explained it very plainly to me. If you have done adequate research and you think you have a CDD, then for the love of god find a professional to work with you and start learning coping skills related to trauma and dissociation.

I am not your therapist. I am not going to give you the validation you seek. If you want a dx, find a therapist that works in trauma and dissociation.

I know this is coming off very aggressive but MAN this is so common and it really needs to fucking stop. ESPECIALLY sending triggering info to a random tumblr user. The “TW suicide and self harm” ain’t gonna do shit. (re: the part where you are talking about voices telling you to cut off your limbs and kill yourself.) I can handle those conversations just fine but not all creators can and it’s fucked that you and all the gazillion anons trauma dumping to random OSDDID tumblr users think that this is just okay?? The AUDACITY my dudes. I understand you’re probably having a rough ass time right now but you have absolutely no idea how my day has been, how my week has been, how my life has been. You get a tiny snapshot of what I choose to share here. Which trust me, is a tiny TINY little snapshot of the reality of my condition. How would you feel if your trauma dump triggered out one of my suicidal parts and killed me? Or severely harmed me? Y’all (all anons, not just you) desperately need to fucking understand that OSDDID systems are traumatized as FUCK and things like that can literally get us killed. It’s not a game. I know some plural folks online make it seem fun, but anon as you seem to understand, it’s very scary having parts inside that want you dead. These parts can take control of my body and do just that. They’ve tried before.

All anons out there, please have some fucking decency and respect for OSDDID creators out there. We are not your therapist, we’re just trying to live our fucking lives and sometimes make content on the side.

Rant over. I hate doing shit like this but I am so over it and y’all need to fucking know.

-Blurry

[ganymedesclock]

So I discovered the trailer for Belle (2021), and it’s making me think about what I love about Beauty and the Beast riffs, and what makes a story scratch that particular itch for me or not.

And I think a huge part of it for me is the examination of monstrosity as a social role. To just use Disney’s animated classic as my base for comparison here, Adam, The Beast, is not literally cursed with fur and fangs, claws and horns- he has those things, and may have mixed feelings about them, others certainly have bad reactions to them-

-his curse is ostracization. His curse is to not be seen as human. What actual, physical features he has are irrelevant to that. They’re just quirks he can learn to live with, or a further excuse to tell himself he deserves this isolation, this frustration, this misery.

So the breaking of the curse, to me, is not the scene where Belle sobs confirmation of what we knew well before then into his stilling chest and brings him back, minus those quirks- if anything, that his happiness comes with the loss of those things has seemed to me (and I’m not alone) as almost something of a betrayal depending on how it’s framed.

By contrast, to me, the breaking of the curse is the ballroom scene, and the moments leading up to it. Adam returns to Adam, rather than The Beast, at the point that he decides that he deserves to be treated like a human being- not as a labor of love from Belle, but from himself. Yes, it’s love with Belle that they dance together, that they have this ball scene when there’s no high society to impress, but before that point, he had to make a decision; that he can clean up and dress nice and have an evening. That he deserves to.

When we first see The Beast, he has all of the means and resources to act like a prince, to present like one. He could make himself comfortable and be surrounded by splendor, but the truest thing he suffers under is he’s ceased to see himself as worth the effort. It’s not as if he could cut the fur down and prune back his claws, file down the horns, and look the way he feels he ought to- the way he thinks he should. He’s broken every mirror in his house except for the one he hides from, and this is a gesture of absolute defeat. He knows what he looks like. He can’t pretend he doesn’t. The only way he can tolerate this is not looking at himself.

As a neurodivergent queer person, the monster in the mirror is something I have a very complicated relationship with. I have an “advantage” in some ways. My appearance is not shocking to most people. I do not benefit from an obvious mobility aid or assistive device; I speak within a range people think of is normal. I have an “unusual haircut” for a “girl” and I don’t aggressively correct people on my pronouns or presentation.

But I’ve always had this feeling, that perhaps, my fangs and fur were simply easy things to trim off, and it’s so easy to wonder, would I still be okay if they weren’t? Because really, it’s none of the granular details that make a monster. For every imagined horror creature, there’s almost certainly a real animal it resembles, and real animals are not monsters. A monster is a monster; anything else, we believe, has a place, has a home. Deserves to exist.

To be a monster is to be a thing that doesn’t fit, or, more directly, to be a monster is to be a thing that is unaccepted. Rejected for not fitting. Unworthy of love, from within, or without.

At the end of the day, I know, factually, I am not a monster. I know that I’m a real person. I know that I deserve dignity and respect and love, even if only from myself. I’m not owed another person to love me just to prove that I can be, but, also, no man is an island; as humans we seek each other one way or another, romantically or platonically. That’s a fact of anyone, not just people who struggle to see a real person when they look at their reflection.

And yet, at this same time, I can’t help but feel betrayed, left behind, when the narrative goes that if the monster does everything right its reward is to be shaped into the likeness of a Real Human Being. Because you can’t just pull a feathered skin off me and make me like I “should be”, like my various diagnoses and self-identifications all present me as an aberration from. If you showed me a me without any of those qualities, that’s honestly the thing I’m the most afraid of, a me without me. A Miss Perfect who’s a good, normative daughter, and in my insecurity I wonder if people would like her so much better than me that they wouldn’t miss if I was gone.

Which, that’s nonsense. I know a lot of people who care about me the way I am. But nobody ever said fears had to be rational.

At the end of the day, as much as I hate the idea of being a monster to others, I also relish the notion of qualities that are categorized as monsters. I love dragons. I love putting big, horrible teeth and leering eyes and wings and claws on heroic characters. Because brought into the light, qualities are just qualities. And if you bring those qualities into the favoring, soft light of stories about human connection, romances, queerplatonic bonds, friendships and found family alike, those qualities can even be charming, alluring, inspiring; a character can look like anything and we still feel a rush of reassurance that this specific character is there.

And that’s the other side of Beauty and the Beast: Adam is running away from being a monster, and Belle is trying to run away from who she is, too. Because Belle is the other side of that trap.

Let’s be honest; it isn’t just that Belle’s an outspoken woman with opinions. It’s that she’s pretty. She’s the prettiest girl in town. She’s someone people want, people have expectations for- and those expectations have little room for what she actually wants. Hell, that’s one of the major dangerous driving forces of the climax- Adam nearly gets murdered by a mob because Belle made a choice that her community really didn’t like, especially Gaston, and it’s easy to point to Adam as the wrong choice because he’s pointy.

“Beauty”, as much as “The Beast”, are dehumanizing categories that people are sorted into. The doll and the monster. One is considered beneath monstrosity; beguiling, an object of appeal and desire but not someone with opinions, oh no, and not someone able to make a choice that you disagree with. People driven to the fringes by opposing forces but regardless find each other in the place they’re trying to find room to breathe in.

And that, I think, is one way some of these riffs can, for me personally, miss the point- and that’s not a mark against them, it’s just that there’s a specific thing I see in this story, and it’s very specifically not, “to be beautiful and desirable to mass public consumption is the way to be happy; we will have a story about how to rehabilitate someone so they can be beautiful too” but rather, “what does it mean when people stop seeing you as yourself, whether the alternative is perfection or a monster? what would you do to be seen clearly?”

[indecisive-behaviors]

Originally I was just going to add this as a reblog to my previous post about the parking lot scene in KK2 but it’s almost 2k words so now it’s getting it’s own post. Be forewarned- this is fucking long.

TW for discussion of PTSD, child abuse, neglect, injury, and death, in relation to topics surrounding the show, under the cut-

Obviously, Cobra Kai is a show based around the premise of “what happened to that Lawrence kid after he got kicked in the face?”, which is honestly a pretty cool idea for a show. Johnny’s story is never explained past sitting on the sidewalk with his head in his hands at the tournament, and there are no real context clue’s to figure out what may or may not have happened.

In the show we get to learn early on that Johnny’s life spiraled after the tournament, going from bad to worse to “holy shit how are you still alive”-dropping out/never going to college, working jobs he seems to hate, becoming an alcoholic, presumably many dead end relationships, and not being there for his kid. And yeah, obviously, this would be a hard pill to swallow for anyone watching the show if Johnny had just lost the tournament. If we never got the scene in KK2, he would have just been some kid who lost a tournament- we see at the end of the first movie that(through tears holy shit Billy) that Johnny is the one who gives the trophy to Daniel with his famous line, “You’re alright, LaRusso.” There’s a level of grudging respect in that moment that isn’t lost on anyone who sees that movie- that Johnny, who throughout the movie only sees Daniel as some whimpy kid, gets proven wrong and respects that. If we didn’t have that scene, there’s reason to believe Johnny would have apologized, tried to make amends, Something, even if it was just being less of a dick at school.

But then, we get the parking lot. We get a far off shot, intended to distance you from the scene, framed over Daniel’s shoulder. This makes sense, Daniel is the main character, the protagonist, the underdog hero- why wouldn’t it be framed in his perspective? But the scene is about Johnny. We get the shouting match, the back and forth- “No, you’re the loser man.”- and again it’s fairly obvious how Johnny sees this situation. This is a man who we assume(and is later confirmed) to be a surrogate father figure, who set his friend up for failure, and then basically forced him to do the same by targeting an injured opponent, and forcing him to fight without honor. This same man presumably follows a teenager out to the parking lot, to harass him, to tell him he’s off the team, to tell him he’s a loser, that he’s nothing.

But at that point, Johnny knows the truth, even if subconsciously. At the end of the day Johnny knows that Daniel LaRusso was a worthy opponent, and that regardless of the cheating and manipulation, Daniel could have won anyway, and did win, despite of it.

And then Kreese grabs him, too fast to react to, Johnny too surprised even knowing that Kreese is the bad guy here, not believing that he would ever willingly hurt him- and Johnny isn’t strong enough to fight him off, none of the boys are, so Johnny is forced to suffocate for almost a full 30 seconds(which I double checked for the record- also as a reference, 30 seconds is about the average time it takes for a person voluntarily holding their breath to pass out- this does not account for the oxygen lost during a struggle, and the lack of preparation from both surprise and panic. The only silver lining here is the fact that Kreese was most likely compressing his windpipe, not his jugular, which would have made him pass out in about 5-10 seconds, and would have caused permanent brain damage or death in about 15).

Now, PTSD is a complex thing. I’m not a psychiatrist, and what small amount of information we have is all we have to work off of, but I feel fairly comfortable in saying Johnny mostly likely developed it after the incident. This not an uncommon take in the fandom as far as I’m aware either. But, if we assume this, we also have to assume that after the fact nothing would have been done about this. Not just in the sense that we still don’t really know everything that happened right after the tournament, but that in the early 80s, PTSD wasn’t really a thing yet.

Sure it was absolutely a condition that existed, but Post Traumatic Stress Disorder wasn’t even added to the DSM-III until 1980- and for a long time afterward, was only seen as a condition that affected primarily war vets. Even after an event as traumatic as having a man you considered a father trying to kill you, in public, without remorse, would not have been seen as something to warrant the diagnoses, let alone treatment.

Johnny Lawrence was 17 when Kreese tried to kill him, and this boy would have been offered no resources beyond filing charges with the police. And as we see in KK3, either this didn’t happen either, or someone(presumably Silver) got the charges dropped. So on top of almost being murdered, Johnny had to live with the fact that the man who did that to him was still out there, and to top it off, still ran a dojo at least for a few months after the event. The only relief he could have gotten is after Kreese faked his death.

And sure, Mr Miyagi may have gotten Kreese to let go eventually, but as several people have pointed out in comments and tags, left him and the other boys alone with Kreese still standing there in the parking lot and just... drove off. Kreese has already been established to be a psycho with no problem hurting children, a little bit of glass might not have prevented him from trying again.

So why did I talk about all of that? Because it all contributes to why Daniel LaRusso works as a credible antagonist in season 1 of Cobra Kai.

Think about this- Johnny blames losing everything on Daniel in season 1, but we specifically get a shot in KK1 and later KK2(”You’re alright, LaRusso” and “I did my best” come to mind) where he seems to be at least mostly accepting of the fact that he lost(with what was actually an illegal kick but that’s a rant for another time). So why does he blame him for everything 30 years later?

Because 30 years later, Johnny is forced to go outside, go to work, and pretend like he doesn’t see what feels like every street corner(including right outside his apartment mind you), a literal billboard sized reminder of what happened to him.

The rest of this is mostly speculation but it makes sense in my head so bear with me.

When we get introduced to Robby, it’s made pretty clear that Johnny has not been in his life for a bit. In season 2 we get Johnny’s heart to heart with Miguel, where he divulges that he missed the birth, because he spiraled after his mom’s death. This however doesn’t suggest that he stayed gone, especially knowing that it wasn’t long enough for Robby to not consider seeking out his dad. Because tacked up to the fridge, is a picture of Robby in his soccer uniform as a kid. It’s an early detail you can see in previous episodes, and says a lot about how Robby grew up. To be fair, this could have been given to him by Shannon, and not taken himself, but it’s the sport Robby’s playing that makes me question this. KK1 dedicates an entire scene to Johnny being on the soccer team in high school. Soccer, while maybe not as important to him as karate, is still part of his character. Robby does not know karate in season 1, Johnny obviously didn’t share it with him, but that doesn’t mean Johnny didn’t share anything with him.

So Johnny’s back in his kids life, maybe doing better for himself, maybe cutting back on the drinking. LaRusso Auto is already established to exist at this point but it’s in Encino, a place Johnny has no reason to go to, and probably doesn’t want to. He’s trying again and things are okay. But Robby knows enough about Daniel to know that going to him will piss off his dad. So Johnny had to have talked about him at some point. The billboards here are what’s important- they’re in the first episode, the first scene montage, Johnny draws a dick on one of them as some petty revenge.

The first billboard goes up in the late 2000s to mid 2010s. Johnny sees it, maybe he has Robby with him at the time, maybe he goes home and says something there, but he says something in a way that sticks with even a child as being important. More billboards go up. Dealerships starting popping up more and more. Daniel’s face, and by extension, the memories, the flashbacks, become inescapable. Johnny, for a third time, spirals again. Before he even knows what’s happening, he’s lost his relationship with his son. And it’s all Daniel’s fault. Of course Daniel doesn’t do it deliberately, but the constant reminders are enough to send him back into a tailspin and Johnny blames him for it.

Because it’s Daniel who is a constant reminder of his failures- it’s Daniel who caused him to lose the tournament and almost get killed, Daniel who put up the billboards that trigger his flashbacks, it’s always Daniel Daniel Daniel.

And then Johnny gets it in his head that he wants to be better. He opens a dojo, teaches Miguel and the other kids, wants to try again- and he almost succeeds.

Johnny up to this point has not deliberately antagonized Daniel in any way. Sure he named the dojo Cobra Kai, but Cobra Kai is all he knows. Besides Johnny doesn’t blame karate for his failures, his best memories are Cobra Kai and he’s trying to be better than Kreese. So what’s the harm in this really? His building is in Reseda, there’s no reason for Daniel to ever be there, he doesn’t do it out of spite, it’s because he lives there and rent is cheap. He doesn’t know about KK3, doesn’t know about Daniel’s own trauma. This isn’t an attack. Johnny sincerely just doesn’t know.

Enter Daniel, stage left. Daniel makes no attempt to talk to him- he simply makes demands and accusations, before he starts making active attempts to put him out of business.

Sure, we as the audience know Daniel has good reasons to not want Cobra Kai back. But Johnny doesn’t. All Johnny knows is that the kid he picked on in high school- who won, who got everything Johnny wanted, who grew up to be successful, has a wonderful wife, two kids who love him, a thriving business- is doing everything he can to make his life hell 30 years after the fact.

And this could only have happened because in 1986 John G. Avildsen decided to add in a scene meant for the original movie into the sequel, for absolutely no fucking reason.

[carriecutforth]

The Shit

Tumblr is telling me to go ahead, put anything...so here it goes

I haven't been public about this for reasons that will be apparent but gonna start this with all the trigger warnings. I'm writing it here cause I can't talk to the majority of people about it cause most people can't even grasp, and then questions start, putting me in the situation of feeling like my GIANT SWEATER of trauma is being unraveled answering questions that lead to more questions and gah PLEASE DO NOT RETUMBL-- I just need to scream in the void This is the shit: On the day my sister-in-law's mother died she had to call form-1 my baby brother because his psychosis (undiagnosed mental illness which I will get to) was terrorizing their family (three small kids). My mother WHO IS SCHIZOPHRENIC had him released into her and my ANTI-VAXXER ANTI-MASKER narcissist father's care, but NOT before they found out, incidentally due to the FORM 1, he is ALSO really sick with leukemia. I only found out because I decided to dip into the special folder for emails called MOM that I try to avoid reading as long as they can FOR REASONS. But I felt for some reason an urge to, and then I had to try to parse out what had happened from her ramblings that are A LOT. Then I had to confirm with my poor sil who is at her wits end and was in no position to tell me herself. My dad stopped talking to me back in November when I called him for his anti-vax rhetoric as being EUGENICS when he told me it is just the flu and only killing old people and the disabled. I reminded him I've been immuno-compromised my whole life (he KNOWS this) and got chronic fatigue after a flu in late 2016 (he knows this), and did he not care if I DIED? (apparently not) But I was like lol, fine, don't talk to me anymore. Die mad about it for all I care. A lot of people are like: 'oh, that's tough, losing a relationship with your father' and I'm like YOLO (it really isn't if you knew him). SO THEN I have to reach out to my dad: "Why isn't my brother in the hospital being treated by medical professionals for YOU KNOW, HIS LEUKEMIA." My dad responded that the doctors were JUST GOING TO PUMP HIM FULL OF DRUGS! And that HE is treating my brother's leukemia with I dunno baking soda (he told me before it is a cure for cancer). THEN HE GOES RADIO SILENT. I have no idea where my brother is cause they got him an apartment somewhere in Toronto. *though I do have a Machiavellian plan to try to find out. The reason my brother has untreated psychosis is that even though I've begged my parents since he was a TEEN to get him diagnosed, they refused. It's like they have the opposite of Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy in that their ABLEISM is soooo bad they refuse to see he has been very sick, and even if he was really sick, 'doctors are stupid' <--quoting my dad. This is the backstory. My dad was always on the road for his job. My mom had my baby brother AGAINST all wishes of her doctor to ever get pregnant again. I'm not talking aborting, she got PREGNANT on purpose again to SERVE GOD'S GREATER PURPOSE even though it might kill her and said future fetus. So he was born with a lot of issues because of the very bad pregnancy's complications on TOP of the very hereditary bipolar/schizophrenia, AND everything else we got going on besides. After he was born, my mom went into a very deep depression for years and then would vacillate between that and mania. Which meant me: THE ELEVEN year old was forced to raise a baby that wasn't hers and had no ultimate authority over. I was called by everyone his *BROTHER'S NAME* SECOND MOM. *More on this later Our relationship is very strained because of this, particularly when at 17 I had enough momming a child while being constantly undermined by my parents absolute shenanigans. So there was resentment when I quit being his 'second mom' and that he equally resented for things like, trying to put him into bed, when my mom would come in and say let him stay up all night or getting him to eat something other than candy for breakfast (you can guess the dynamic with my parents here). Even if my disabled ass could sue my parents for his

care, he doesn't WANT me to be in charge of his care.

And yet still, I tried to advocate for him for years fighting my parents TOOTH and NAIL to get him on disability and out from underneath their thumb so he could have a measure of independence and autonomy. They had every excuse in the book not to get him diagnosed including expense. It was so goddamned awful fighting with them on this cause in their mind: he was going to live with either them or me forever (they decided this for me and my ex-husband and kids with no consultation), so WHY bother set up his future for him??? So when he was 20?, I hatched a Machiavellian PLAN: I got him, against my parent's wishes, into college for the sole reason of getting the resources for him to get diagnosed so that he could get on disability. AND IT WORKED! (kinda) Except my parents twisted him so much into only talking about his autism spectrum symptoms and NONE of the psychosis because their ableism is sooooo entrenched. (but I did manage to get him on ODSP). And subsequent times I forced my dad to take him to a psychiatrist, he's like: 'oh, I forgot to talk about the psychosis we just talked about the aspergers. Besides people with psychosis are untreatable, you can't convince them otherwise' (see again, my mom). Over the years, I have begged my dad to take my brother to get properly diagnosed and treated (I'm not meaning forced, my brother is also agoraphobic, and won't leave his place UNLESS he is driven by my dad and was living in a city far away from me). I said, I was very concerned for his kids but my dad always gaslights me (and tells everyone I'm crazy -- the IRONY). So now my mom is writing me emails about how this is all my sil's fault because 'she is on drugs' (she is not), 'she is sleeping around' (she is not), 'her kids are scared of her not my brother' (it's the exact opposite). WHICH IS A HUGE TRIGGER FOR ME because She did the exact same thing to ME with my other brother (a diagnosed PSYCHOPATH) who used to beat me and the rest of us mercilessly when my parents weren't around (and they never believed me, and told everyone not to believe me because I was crazy), who pulled a KNIFE on me and threw a drawer at me when I was NINE MONTHS PREGNANT, and how absolutely awful I was AS HIS SISTER to kick him out of my house with no place to live or go (cause he was living with me and my ex-husband at the time because THEY KICKED HIM OUT OF THEIR PLACE and didn't want him back.) Are you beginning to get a sense of the dynamic of my family? Soooooooo the last few weeks my brain has just been in total trauma mode going processing, processing, processing, processing as the final total realization of how absolutely awful my family is finally laid bare (I mean I knew but at least I can stop feeling guilty about cutting them out of my life). So back to the 'second mom' shit, as relevant to my trauma brain processing the last few weeks. This whole shit above is just the tip of the iceberg. I was raised as a Joho in which a lot of my trauma comes from a pedophile left loose on three generations of girls in my family over a thirty year period, and if anyone came forward they were threatened with disfellowshipment and there is SO MUCH there it would take me several Tolkien novels to get how absolutely awful, extensive it was, and how the coverup went straight to the top. ANYHOO. So who was calling me my brother's 'second mom???' Well since, I wasn't allowed to have any association with non-witnesses, it was my congregation. No one questioned that I was being parentified and it was a deeply abusive situation. NO WHAT HAPPENED instead was, this sister in the congregation told everyone (when I was fifteen and 80 pounds soaking wet at the height of 5'10 1/2) that my brother WAS REALLY MY CHILD cause it was so obvious the way that I was the one who took care of him. And the elders of our congregation MARKED me as bad association for loose morals for having a supposed child out of wedlock when I was ELEVEN YEARS OLD. AND NO ONE in my congregation would talk to me, and I had NO IDEA why, cause they never told me that I HAD BEEN

MARKED. But the caveat was I was not allowed to talk to people outside of the faith. And we only found out about this a year an a half later when she said the same shit back in my hometown where he was born to a sister who was at the hospital where my brother was born. AND NO ONE thought, hey: maybe if we think she had a baby when she was eleven we should um CALL CHILD SERVICES or some shit? So i was like 16 1/2, not allowed to have any friends OUTSIDE OF MY PARENTS, find out THIS SHIT, and then people wonder why I had my first manic episode at 17??? Yeah, so this is where my brain has been stuck the last month, complicated that I knew I would be at risk for hypomania with things opening back up, and I'm supposed to be shooting a pilot for a potential series I'm the creator/co-shorunner of, so now I've had to go BACK on seroquel and it's the worst while i try to acclimatize myself to the drugs and stave off hypomania at the same time. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

[radicalposture]

Hey, so were you diagnosed with autism/adhd as an adult? If you don't mind me asking, was that difficult to achieve? I'm 25, and I've often thought I might have adhd, but I've held off on looking into it because I hear it's extremely difficult and expensive to get it tested and diagnosed as an adult.

yes I only got diagnosed last october, I was 25 then too! it was kind of a weird journey for me, all of my siblings and my dad got diagnosed with autism or adhd one after the other and I was still saying “but I can’t really be autistic/adhd” right up until I actually got diagnosed lol. but since then my whole life suddenly makes sense for the first time and I really think things are gonna be ok! this applies to autism/adhd/other neurodiverse stuff but autism and adhd is what I know, but I hope it applies broadly as well

so unfortunately yes, it can be pretty expensive to get through the whole process. depends on where you live of course, I live in Ireland so even though we do have public healthcare I would probably have been on a waiting list for upwards of two years to see a terrible psychologist who didn’t know anything about adhd/autism so I went to a private psychologist. I already knew her pretty well bc my siblings had been to her and I knew she knew what she was talking about and I felt comfortable with her. seeing her cost me around €900 which is definitely a lot, different psychologists have different rates but the price can go up depending on what tests u get done. the more tests you do the more expensive it will be as a general rule (at the same time I saw a different psychologist who had a lower flat rate so idk what the “rules” are about this tbh) I got a standard assessment as well as autism and adhd tests which is why it was so expensive. it used up pretty much all my savings lmao but after getting a diagnosis I was able to apply for disability allowance (which was a hellish process) and I got rejected and had to appeal the decision but I got it in the end, which is fortunate bc I quit my job lol.

recently I wanted to look into medication so I had to go to a psychiatrist because you can’t get a prescription for stimulant medication from a gp in most countries I think? BUT he’d only see me if I got rediagnosed by his psychologist, so that was another €300 for each of them. I did get prescribed ritalin in the end but I’ll have to get the prescription refilled a few times a year bc it’s a restricted medication, which will mean paying €100 ish for each time I do. fortunately I don’t actually have to pay for the medication itself bc I have a medical card.

so yes, it can be expensive! all told it’s cost me almost €2000 to get it all sorted and will keep costing me maybe €300 a year from now on, so it’s definitely something you have to budget for. especially depending on where you live, I imagine things are v different from country to country. also I’m very fortunate bc I still live with my family so I’m free of some financial pressure and I’d been saving for it for a while but I know how hard it is to countenance paying out that kind of money, and wondering whether it’s worth it.

as to whether it’s difficult to achieve I think you’ve got to break it down because official diagnosis is only part of it. so if you think you do have ADHD I’d look at it from a couple of different angles:

1. self acceptance/understanding is absolutely the most important thing. I know people who’ve never been to a psych who know they’re autistic/adhd and really flourish, I also know people who have official diagnoses but who won’t accept it themselves and reject help/support and they’re making things so hard for themselves. so the most important thing is to educate yourself about what adhd means and, more importantly, what it means for you. everyone’s brain is different and understanding exactly how your brain works and why you think/behave the way you do is the most important thing you can do. there are a lot of resources out there, especially online, - I’ll put a link to a google drive of books and things I have at the bottom - and it can be good to connect with others online as well. having people who Get It and can help you is really paramount, I know often our irl families/friends can sometimes let us down so sometimes the only support you can get is from following ppl on twitter or something. the adhd subreddit is weirdly helpful and supportive, it’s great to be able to throw out a question like “I think like this am I insane y/n” and have other people go “nah ur fine” it’s very validating (also validation/external perspectives is super important for adhd bc we can be extremely bad at self assessment). so yes, the most important thing is firstly to know thyself by 1) educating yourself and 2) listening/connecting with others like u.

2. is it important to have an “official” diagnosis? no and yes. obviously you don’t need a diagnosis from a doctor to know what you are, and 70% of the things needed to help you flourish are going to come from your own research and the support systems you make. and if you cant afford or access a psychologist or psychiatrist it doesn’t make it any less real or bar you from educating yourself/accessing resources etc. HOWEVER. if you can get a good diagnosis then I really would go for it, bc: 1) it opens a LOT of doors to official resources, whether that’s access to welfare, supports and accommodations at school or college, medication, etc etc. a lot of the time the supports we need are behind this diagnostic paywall, which sucks but it is what it is :/ so that’s one consideration. 2) it can be really validating and help set your mind at ease about whether you “really” have adhd or if you’re “faking”. like I said I didn’t believe that I was “allowed” to be autistic before I got diagnosed. I also didn’t consider that I might have adhd, I went in thinking I’d just get the autism diagnosis so it wasn’t something I would have found out on my own probably. so it can be good to get an outside opinion, especially as, like I said, we can be really bad at self assessment. 3) it feels good to know you have a piece of paper to throw at rude family members/teachers/doctors who don’t believe it’s real 4) if you can find a good psychiatrist/psychologist it can be such a good thing to have that support and to get genuinely good advice from a professional you trust. doesn’t always happen but if u can find one it’s a godsend

wow this got long. to summarise, if you think you have adhd or anything else I would

research and educate yourself. for adhd probably the best thing to do is read driven to distraction and delivered from distraction, written by two psychiatrists who are adhd themselves. they’re both in this google drive along with loads of other resources I’ve collected, there’s also books about autism as well. as a disclaimer not everything/everyone here has my 100% endorsement some of it is there for academic/historical interest or only parts are helpful but by and large it’s useful. also watch this video and feel Seen

look for a good psychologist/psychiatrist if you’re going for a diagnosis. see if there’s an adhd organisation in your country/area and if they can recommend anyone. a lot of the time you’re better going to a child/educational psychologist who’ll see adult clients as they tend to Get It more. do look for someone who is clear about having experience in adult adhd bc unfortunately even qualified psychologists get a LOT wrong so make sure you get someone who knows what they’re doing before you give them your money

yes it can be really expensive. but if you’re needing to access things like medication or welfare I think it’s well worth the trouble and the money. my sister got diagnosed in her second year of college and was able to save her degree bc of extensions on projects and things like that (I didn’t get diagnosed until after college and spent four years torturing myself I WISH I had known) and it can be something that’s better done sooner rather than later. So if it’s something you can do without putting yourself in financial danger I think it’s good to bite the bullet and go for it. like I used up basically all my savings BUT I now can access disability payments and medication so it was worth it for me. it’ll be different for everyone so use your judgement obviously

anyway hope this helped! let me know if you need anything else! and good luck on your journey

[friend-o-dorothy]

The Brittany Spears guardianship argument comes up on my dash a lot and I have a lot of feelings because of what I do for a living. Sometimes I write letters to the court in support of a guardianship decision, but for those not familiar with the language we use, I refer to something called “least restrictive measures.”

Guardianship is the most restrictive measure you can take. You’re essentially saying the person is incapable of caring for themselves, their money, and their health and will either never be able to do so, or that there is no evidence they’ll be able to do so. This essentially leaves ALL major decisions in the hands of the guardian. If someone wants to move, to date, to get married, to have children, to buy a new tv, their guardian must approve first. No official documents can be signed by the person in question, and their guardian has to do that for them. My client (we’ll call him G) is an example where this is appropriate. He would spend all his money on snacks and would be unable to pay rent or bills without support. He does not have the understanding of money to ensure his accounts don’t go over $2,000, which would kick him off Disability after a tax refund, for instance. If he went to the doctor’s office, he would not comprehend what was being said and may agree to actions or decisions that would be harmful to him. He needs his mother, an excellent guardian, to advocate for him and protect him.

The next least restrictive (depending on your state) is partial or temporary guardianship. This may mean someone who is recovering from a TBI or a mental health crisis who needs support for now but will ultimately recover at which time all rights are returned back to them. A student of mine, A, opted for this decision with her family after she obtained a TBI in a car accident. She would regain her memory and motor function with time, but for a period she was unable to communicate effectively and could not advocate for herself as a result.

Then you can look at power of attourney. POA is a good option for someone who is fairly high functioning but struggles with big medical or financial decisions. You can get POA over money and/or health decisions. This has been a great solution for students who are 18 or 19 with a disability. They don’t know how to manage their money yet, but are learning, or may not understand all of their medical needs, but are learning. It’s very easy to lift POA when someone is more ready. This is common with aging parents but also people with disabilities. A client of mine, R, opted for financial POA because while he was very capable in a lot of areas, he still struggled with money and wanted his mom’s help.

The least restrictive measure is something called supported decision making. This is something we all largely do to some extent. If I wanted a new TV I may ask a friend who just bought one what their experience was like. They may give me advice, but ultimately the final decision rests with me. This is what we always advocate for first if at all possible. This gives the client agency and autonomy and there are no legal measures taken. This means the client chooses experts to consult regarding money, health, employment, and personal care and will consult those people before making any big decisions, but that at the end of the day, even if the choice may have negative consequences, it’s their RIGHT to make the choice. This can be frustrating as a caretaker, because sometimes clients make decisions that are harmful to themselves or others and must face the full consequences of those actions. However, if we really believe in supporting the independence of the people we work with, then we need to BELIEVE in their right to make mistakes. Who among us hasn’t made a mistake?! Mistakes are a vital part of growing up. It’s how we learn and improve and develop into who we are going to be. To take that away from someone you better have a damned good reason.

There are times when each of these is the correct choice for that individual. I don’t know Brittany Spears personally. I haven’t looked at her case file, I don’t know her diagnoses. However, it does appear that despite having a very public life she has been largely scandal free, living a quiet and normal life, and raising her kids successfully for nearly a decade.

One parent I know has attempted to get guardianship of each of her kids. She managed with one, and settled for POA on another. In neither case was it appropriate or necessary and she only won because she is very smart and hired very smart lawyers. The system can fail in this way. A good lawyer can erase the autonomy you have a right to. And as an 18 year old, you many not have the resources or know-how to fight the decision.

So if you really believe in the rights of people with disabilities you’ll follow the pathway from least restrictive to most, only ruling out least restrictive measures if absolutely necessary. And unfortunately it doesn’t seem like that happened in her case. It gives me big Female Hysteria Institution vibes. We have moved away from the physical institutions, but the attitude that says “I get to make decisions FOR you because I don’t LIKE your decisions” is very much prevalent and real. And it’s unacceptable.

[robogreaser]

This is a Long Time Coming...

It’s been a relatively hard task to sit down and make sense of, well, a lot of things as of late. I could chalk it up to the state of the world, but it’s been troublesome for significantly longer than that.

Long Story Short Version: I’ve been in a hell of a place, mentally, physically, and otherwise.

The proper story is a hell of a lot more involved than that and I know damned right well it’s going to take me a fair bit to explain myself and my various professional and social failings over the past... while. I’m gonna try to contain this under a read more, of course, but I apologize to mobile users if tumblr fucks that up.

Okay. That took a fair more bit of effort to figure out than I remember. Which, I suppose, is a fair enough bit of a segue into one thing that’s happened to me.

Tumblr has been deteriorating.

Whether I like to admit it or not, tumblr has been my go to social media platform since... 2011. Yeah. I’ve spent the vast majority of the decade here. I’ve seen a lot. Sure, I’ve lurked elsewhere, but I really cannot stand the interface and nature of a lot of other social media, especially the likes of twitter. Unfortunately for me, this place has been in constant decline for years now at this point. It extends well beyond the porn ban, but that’s a whole separate discussion.

I’ve lost touch with a lot of people I care about, some vanishing into the ether, some ghosting me, some just drifting into other communities or onto other sites. I’ve come to terms with the majority of this. It’s been happening for a while. It’s the very nature of digital relationships. It hurt, and I do think it’s contributed to a fair bit of stress and depression that has resulted in my... withdrawal from online spaces. It’s not a major factor, but its here, it’s present, it’s a factor in all of this.

I’ll be honest in that, well, I’ve tried to make this post several times over the past several weeks and months. It’s hard. Talking about my issues, using ‘I’ and ‘me’ so much in a post... it’s a bit jarring. But I’ll try to suck it up.

It’s been ten years (god I fucking hate time) since I’ve graduated high school. Yeah. It’s a fair thing to say that, on reflection, that’s incredibly jarring. The vast majority of that time has been... relatively unstable. I spent a fair few years working on my book and my publishing journey, now all but scrubbed clean from this blog (more on that later) and... well... Trying to be an adult. I’ve applied to, gotten accepted, and had to withdrawn from my dream school twice in this time. I’ve had a fair few jobs, nothing worthy of my resume, and lost all of them in one form or another, whether being fired for retaliating to my shitty work conditions, or, well, quitting for the sake of my own health during this pandemic. There has been a lot of family troubles. I’ve been through a lot of... ‘varied’ living situations, some horrendous, some just stressful, some, like now, actually really good compared to the others. And for the past few years in particular, it’s been constantly one thing after another, nonstop.

In short, progress is slow, but it’s happening. I don’t care to delve into a lot of these sorts of personal details lest this get to a ridiculous length, but that’s the short of the stuff I’d rather gloss over.

I’ve been on a health... Let’s call it a journey. I’ve been on a health journey. Over the past few years I’ve gone through the long processes of being diagnosed with ADHD, discussing my options regarding my depression and anxiety, and finally getting myself on a medication regimen that works. And then, because the health care system is a joke, I was without insurance. I had been off my medication, an absolute lifesaver and release of burden on my garbage tier brain, for eighteen months. Until last week. I think it’s fair to say, between my revolving door of living situations, employment, and then being un-medicated in a continually more stressful environment... That this is the main reason I’ve been absent. I’ve had no focus. There were weeks where I had no drive to do anything outside of routine that others depended on. I had not only gone back to how I was before situating my mental health, but in some ways, found a worse state.

Finances have been slowly eating away at me. I had been working a part time retail job until November, which made decent enough money, but not nearly for the amount of work and responsibility I was handling. I got fired. I found work with one of the big, corporate postal services. The pay was phenomenal, but it began to actively destroy my health, mainly physically, but also mentally, especially considering I was working a graveyard shift. Eventually when I began having prolonged health issues there, and then a whole lot of the symptoms of covid-19, on top of them turning me down for an entry-level position outside of the package handling, I had to quit. This was shortly after the lockdowns, in early April, and I refuse to look back despite people like my parents insisting on me trying to get work there again. Sure, the pay was phenomenal compared to anything else I had until then, but I cant continue to sacrifice my health. As of now, I’m unemployed, and... well...

I’m working on my commission queue. It’s art. It’s stuff I’ve owed friends (luckily those who are incredibly understanding and good to me) for an embarrassing amount of time, even before moving to and from Oklahoma at the end of 2016. I’m terrified of being the person who is known for taking commissioners’ money and running.

I know, I’m not good at giving updates. I’m not good at a consistent work schedule. I’ve had numerous tech failings over the past few years that constantly slow my roll on any progress I have made. Hell, I’ve had files corrupt despite being two thirds of the way complete when transferring from one computer to another. I’ve lost my cable for my external hard drive. I’ve had my tablet go to hell and back multiple times. But I am working. I am trying. I am sitting down as often as I can between looking for work and managing family nonsense to try and get my workload tidied up.

Which... brings me to my next point. And one I’m rather... ashamed about.

I have used trello, infrequently, since taking on a large load of commissions, and despite not being faithfully updating it and checking back on it, and using it to it’s fullest potential, I had kept, at the minimum, a list of all the work I did owe people using it. Well. Dumbass me attempted to use a mobile app. In short, in an effort to try and make myself tech literate and allow me easier access to my queue, I ended up deleting it. Somehow.

I’ve gone through and slowly flagged all my paypal notices and various emails concerning my commissions. I’m putting it together again. I’m trying. Granted, I am damned sure I am going to be missing someone, somewhere, somehow. I know it. I’ve got a shit brain, and despite my need for organization and minimalism, I don’t put it past me to have missed something along the way.

If you have commissioned me, please, do not hesitate to reach out and contact me regarding your commission. I owe every last one of you a massive apology for my continued failure to produce what you have paid for.

More likely than not, I have a wip already started somewhere, and if not, I have a slew of reference and thumbnails already compiled together somewhere on my computers. I am not ignoring this work. It’s been painfully, embarrassingly slow. It’s been one obstacle after another. But I have every intention of doing this work, and, likely, upgrading the quality of the finished piece past what my commissioners have paid for simply because I do feel bad about the wait time.

I have been inexcusably unprofessional. I know this and I am working as best I can with the time and resources I have to correct it.

In a similar vein, as I mentioned before, I have slowly been cleaning up my rather unimpressive publishing attempts. I’ve gone through and cleaned this blog recently, deleting reference to my work by name and the process of trying to get myself published. I may have missed a few posts here and there, but for the most part I would like a clean slate in regards to building a social media platform surrounding my written work. And this is the part where... I am probably going to be the most upfront and honest with you reading this than I have been publicly before.

I am not ashamed of who I’ve been online these past ten years or so, but it reflects only a sliver of my personality, a sliver of who I am as a whole. I catered to a very specific subset of who I am in pursuit of finding acceptance in communities much larger than myself. I’ve learned a hell of a lot about myself in that time. I figured out what’s important to me, my health, my sexuality, my relationships and my long term goals. I’ve found a very important group of friends. I’ve found people who understand and empathize with a lot of the things I have been through, experience, and am at my core.

But the fact of the matter is, this hypersexual, sci-fi aesthetic-oriented, very open person is only a singular facet. And it is not nearly enough of a reflection of who I am, or who I want to be as a professional, public adult. Will I always be gay for robots? Yes. Will I, when time permits and creative energies are present, continue to make nsfw art? Absolutely. Will I always have a toe dipped in erotic literature and the like? Most likely.

But a lot of me, a lot of my emotion and strife and feelings regarding most things in the world, are completely separate from this. It’s separate from me liking porn on twitter or having a homestuck roleplay blog. It’s separate from who I am in real life, with my boyfriend or with my family or with my work. And I have been dwelling on this, sincerely, for a while. I need to allocate more energy into my life. The separate life offline and online too, where I am pursuing an actual professional career, because, at the end of the day, I want to be an author. I want to have a career telling stories. And, in my time online, I’ve found a lot of skeletons in authors’ closets, the kind that really put mine to shame, and the kind that will always be a footnote to their work. You know the ones.

I want my creative work to speak for itself. I want people to be able to enjoy what I do without a specter, without my time and energy having to explain to a future audience why it is I had explicit thoughts about x,y, and z. I want to be able to write a book, write many books, and have people enjoy them without a footnote about me, a person with a sexual life and a history exploring it through years of depression and isolation, clouding it. It’s not fair to my work. It’s not fair to a future reader. It’s not fair to me.

I’ve got several social media accounts made and slowly coming to life that I need to spend more time with as I try and pursue this new, second leg of a very long journey into publishing. I’m not going to link those here, now or in the future. It’s likely a few people I know and trust have access to them. But I am, effectively starting over from scratch trying to build a platform as a writer. And it’s hard. Juggling that, alongside all of the things in the world today, alongside family and my relationships, alongside my commission queue? It bears down on me and if I didn’t have experience handling more than one thing at a time, I might trip up more frequently. Hell, I forget to post and use those new accounts regularly.

But I’m trying.

I’m not moving away from my current social circles or hobbies or anything like that. I’m not abandoning any fandom or friends or communities. But I am going to be trying to balance myself more thoughtfully moving forward, past just commissions, past just writing.

I’m here. I’m moving forward, slowly but surely, and I am making an effort to improve.

[only-one-king]

(NAME.) jaidev acharya / (AGE.) forty-one /  (GENDER.) cis man / (PRONOUNS.) he + him / (OCCUPATION.) academic advisor / (POWER.) telepathy / (ORIENTATION.) greyaromantic bisexual / (ETHNICITY.) indo-mauritian / (RELIGION.) atheist / (ORIGIN.) chester, united kingdom

ℙ𝕃𝔸𝕐𝔼𝔻 𝔹𝕐 GHOST / 30; he + him

𝙸𝙽 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙱𝙴𝙶𝙸𝙽𝙽𝙸𝙽𝙶...

TELEPATHIC LIABILITY !

» whenever you think of a telepath's origin, how they discovered their powers, you imagine the same thing; they start by hearing voices, only to realise before long that they're not losing their mind, but that instead their mind is tuning in to those around them.

» if I told you this is how Jai discovered his abilities, I would be lying; his telepathic ability has never been soft or gentle, it's never been about reading minds and speaking in thought alone - no, that came later.

» Jai's telepathy has always been an inately destructive force; from a young age, when his mind was not yet sharp enough, but his telepathy already potent enough, he'd scratch at his parents’ minds, day in, day out; same spot, same intensity, and although it was something bareble at first, eventually he'd break through their defences.

» a year after his birth, his mother would be diagnosed with post-partum psychosis, and his father would find temporary relief at the bottom of a bottle; tragic, really, to see two successful academics succumb as they did.

» what happened to his parents would happen over and over in his life to others; people exposed to him would just start acting irrational, and despite the destruction he caused, the little boy couldn't really be blamed, could he?

» until he could be; there's a moment that Jai starts to realise what he can naturally do, break down people's mental defences and tear at their minds like a dark bestial shadows raking claws sharp as razors through the fragile flesh of people's psyches... there was not a moment of horrified realisation, no disgust or guilt or lamenting the monstrous nature of his powers.

» he honed it, instead, and where previously claws extended mindlessly, they reached out with purpose now, more vicious; bending people to his will with ease, and leaving them a veritable vegetable if they didn't.

» his telepathy developed backwards; his mind reading came later, after he'd learned a more gentle hand that wouldn't immediately lay waste to every mind he touched - the subtleties of his powers, the telepathic speaking, predicting behaviour, nudging attention away from himself to render himself as good as invisible, all these things came with rigorous discipline and restraint.

I DIDN'T COME THIS FAR ONLY TO COME THIS FAR...

» MIND READING / THOUGHT DETECTION -- the ability to read/sense the thoughts of others

» MEMORY READING -- the ability to read the target's memory

» PSYCHIC COMMUNICATION -- the ability to open up secret conversations and relay covert information

» BINDING -- the ability to restrict the movements of others via the mind

» TELEPATHIC INVISIBILITY -- the ability to become invisible via telepathy

» MIND CONTROL -- the ability to manipulate the minds of others via thought processes

» MIND WALKING -- the ability to enter the mind of another

» PSIONIC INUNDATION -- the ability to launch psi-bolts to cause mental damage

» PSYCHIC TORTURE -- the ability to torture victims mentally and spiritually

» PUSHING -- the ability to implant memories, thoughts, and emotions into others

» TELEPATHIC PREDICTION -- the ability to know an opponent's moves and attacks by reading their brain waves

» POSSESSION -- the ability to project one's mind into the body of a living being to inhabit and control them

» PSYCHOSOMATIC ILLUSION -- the ability to create powerful illusions that may cause severe physical damage

» SUBCONSCIOUS MANIPULATION -- the ability to manipulate the subconscious

» TELEPATHIC DILATION -- the power to water down the abilities of others by blocking neurological signals

» TELEPATHIC SURGERY -- the ability to perform neuropsychic surgery, healing and/or damaging the mind

𝙰𝙿𝙿𝙴𝙰𝚁𝙰𝙽𝙲𝙴

(FACE CLAIM.) mahesh jadu

(HEIGHT.) 6′3″ / 191cm

(WEIGHT.) 179lbs / 81kg

(EYE COLOUR.) brown

(HAIR COLOUR.) black

(STYLE.) when loose, his hair falls past his shoulders, but it’s most often in a bun, making his undercut visible

THEY CALL ME DEVIL !

for the most part, jai is incredibly difficult to read. there’ll be no grand displays of emotion on his face; the emotion expressed will be small tells. flared nostrils, narrowed eyes, a jaw muscle jumping under his skin. his entire behaviour is carefully curated and monitored, to the point where immediate aggression won’t make him flinch. such things are weakness, after all, cracks in the armour, and a way for the hostile outside world to break through his mental defences. just like his facial expressions, so his words are curt and concise. he’s not one to mindlessly reply — words mean things, and he’ll not simply throw them around without intent behind them. a threat is not a bluff. a promise is never empty. sometimes thoughts are better left as just that; thoughts. and sometimes, you don’t need to speak of the dagger before you plunge it into someone’s gut. they’ll know why.

HELL BENEATH A TIE…

jai puts no meaning to the word ‘relaxation’, and it shows in his manner of dress. full suits, ties, pressed, steamed, cuffed; when he’s working, he’ll look the part. there’s very few people who will catch the man on off-hours, and indeed, some might contemplate if he even has any, or knows the meaning of ‘time off’. his idea of casual is a suit without a tie. those close to him will know that when the suit jacket and tie come off and sleeves are rolled up to his elbows is when the real work starts. but otherwise, anyone might believe he even sleeps in a suit, and he won’t bother correcting them.

𝙸𝙽𝙲𝙻𝙸𝙽𝙰𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽

(MBTI.) intj

(ENNEAGRAM.) type 8w9

(TEMPERAMENT.) choleric

(ZODIAC.) scorpio

(MORALITY.) lawful evil

(TRAITS.) + / perceptive, independent, self-confident, resourceful, intelligent; - / forceful, unforgiving, condescending, pragmatic, cruel.

THE DEVIL WITHIN !

if jai is hard to read, then he’s harder to get to know. he’s private and business-like to a fault, and he doesn’t ‘fraternise’, with anyone. needless to say, he’s never claimed friends in his forty-one years of existence, and he’s fine to keep it this way. those who do know personal details about him have obtained this information through sheer patience; such information is extended at the same pace as a glacier shifts down a mountain. there’s a few things that are public knowledge about him, however. he’s thorough and a detail-oriented problem solver — one would think he’d value order and structure, but these are exactly two things he absolutely loathes. order and structure only has value in how far they can be exploited, and otherwise he prefers dynamism and unpredictability.

A PROMISE, A THREAT…

anyone with eyes and a working brain can attest to jai's immorality. the idea of ripping life from another person doesn’t make him blink, especially if that person gets in between him and his goal. he likes hurting others, exerting control, causing fear, but certainly won’t go out of his way for it either. the duality lies in that his word is his bond. a deal is a deal, and he’ll keep to it; aside from delivering good work, it’s how he maintains his reputation. he’s exacting and critical of those in his professional life, but in the same breath, those worthy earn loyalty and dedication. the same work ethic that leads him to maim, torture, and kill will lead him to protect, avenge, and care for those in his charge.

𝙰𝙳𝙳𝙸𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽𝙰𝙻 𝙸𝙽𝙵𝙾𝚁𝙼𝙰𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽

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[drdemonprince]

Regarding your “informed consent for all drugs” essay, I have a burning question I haven’t seen you address (if you have and I missed it, sorry!) What about things like antibiotics? IMO if you’re taking drugs that only affect you that’s one thing. I’m willing to give it consideration. But I honestly do think there should be some gatekeeping of community resources like abx, where use where it’s not warranted decreases the efficacy for the entire community. And I’ve heard way too many stories of people demanding abx for viral illnesses to expect that the general public will be informed enough to steward those resources wisely—a small number of people can genuinely ruin it for everybody, including very vulnerable people.

True

Informed

Consent !!!

Guided

Decision-Making

With the Help of a Doctor!

The leading cause of antibiotic overprescription is sloppy, overly 'efficient' work on the part of prescribers. I once went to an urgicare clinic with a months-long bout of laryngitis that I knew for a fact was caused by teaching 8 hours per day, not by a bacterial infection, yet the nurse practicioner prescribed me antibiotics anyway.

Because the clinic was trying to maximize profits and it was understaffed and each provider only had about fifteen minutes with each patient, if that. The provider didn't listen to me when I told him there was no way I had a bacterial infection, and he took absolutely no time to inform me about the effects of antibiotics and the massive risks of taking them when you don't need them.

Today, the average patient seeking healthcare is sorely ill informed about just about everything. Doctors disdain them for being self diagnosed on web MD and for seeking out information about their desired medications online, but what other options do they have? It takes weeks if not months to see a doctor sometimes, and they barely stop moving and interrogating you for one second to answer your questions or explain complex concepts to you once you get in their office.

Within this environment, is it any surprise that patients don't stick to their course of antibiotic treatments all the way through, hoard pills, take them for the wrong conditions, and request antibiotics when they don't need them? And considering that antibiotics are among the cheapest medications available, and most patients can't afford alternate treatments for other conditions on their own, is it any surprise they keep requesting these meds?

In order to move forward, we need a true informed consent model of accessing all drugs. Exactly like a dispensary for weed or Mexican-model pharmacy. You report to the pharmacist, explain your condition and what kind of help you are seeking, and an educated, patient, compassionate provider explains to you exactly the effects you can anticipate from the substances you are seeking -- as well as the risks and use cases.

If it were possible for people to access not only antibiotics in this fashion, but also weed, painkillers, tamiflu, and paxlovid, we would not have the scale of antibiotic overprescription and misuse that we see today.

People tend to glance over the "informed" part of the "informed consent" model that I am advancing, and that's really unfortunate. But I think it's understandable, because many of us have never experience actual informed consent basically any time in our lives. Imagine what it would be like to actually have the authority to make good decisions about what goes into your body, with a doctor seeing themselves as a support person for you, rather than an authority over you.

Imagine what it would be like to have a doctor who listens to you, who has time for you, who sits down with you and breaks down complicated topics and trusts you to make your own decisions once you've been educated and given their support.

[yoosungiib]

I know you did an hc of MC having a panic attack but can you do one where MC has depression and anxiety and blames herself over little things and easily cries. All the characters please.

Hello darling, thank you for your request; I most certainly can write this. However, I am just putting this out here now that this was hard for me to write. I have suffered with depression for four years now, and yet writing about it has always been difficult for me. The reason so is that sometimes I don’t even understand it, even though I am diagnosed with it. I did this to the best of my ability. I realize that depression, panic attacks, mental illnesses are different for everyone. Really, I understand. I based a lot of these off of experience with my depression and in others.

For those who suffer with depression or panic attacks, please remember that there are always people who are here for you and are supporting you. You are never alone though it may seem like that sometimes.

My inbox is always open if you need to talk or just want to vent.

Link to MC having a panic attack; RFA + Minor Trio MC having a panic attack

RFA + Minor Trio MC w/ depression

~~~

★ Yoosung ★

Yoosung just wants you to be happy all the time, always smiling,

But he understands that sometimes you are just sad, and you may not know why.

Sometimes, you will just cry and Yoosung will honestly have no idea what to do. It could be over the smallest thing and you just couldn’t help yourself.

He found you once on the bathroom floor, curled into a ball as you cried softly. Yoosung was conflicted. He wanted to help and comfort you, but he also couldn’t tell if you just wanted to be alone. He was still trying to figure these things out for yours and his sake.

In the end, he sat next to you and was glad that he did because you wrapped your arms around him and pulled yourself to him. “MC? Would you like me to carry you to our room? It will be much more comfortable there and we can talk. Or if you want… we can just sit in silence.”

You nodded, so he heaved you up smol boy is strong and brought you to the bedroom. He tucked you in and crawled in beside you. He wrapped his arms around your smaller form and pulled you against him, your head just above his heart so you could hear its steady beat. He talked you through your small breakdown, helped you to figure out what was wrong if there were something wrong, and let his warmth and love be your comfort.

Yoosung does whatever he can to help you. He’s always asking you open ending questions, and makes sure that you don’t keep anything from him.

Though he understands there are times where you will not want to share things with him, he wants you to know how you feel, and he wants to be certain you are always feeling supported and loved.

“Thank you for telling me, MC. I hope you don’t think I am prying. I just want you to feel comfortable telling me your feelings. I care about how you feel, and I want to do what I can to support you. I love you, cutie.”

♪ Zen ♪

He figured out pretty soon after you having moved in with him that you had depression by your downcast mood and other symptoms he spotted.

For one, you never cared about how you looked; meaning you never showered, never took care of yourself. You never kept things clean, and you didn’t mind living in a dump.

As well as that, nothing ever interests you. Or things that once interested you, you now can’t be bothered with.

There is hardly any light in your eyes, and it devastates Zen. He wishes you could always smile, because you are so beautiful with your smile! But he understands it isn’t that easy. He remembers finding you in his dressing room at one of his rehearsals, balling your eyes out because you thought you held him back.

“Jagiya, why would you say such a thing? What makes you feel that way. Please tell me.”

“I’m not good enough, Zen! You deserve someone who is stable, who is capable, who can manage you better. You don’t deserve to be stuck with me.” Zen frowned, cupping your face in his hands. He gave you a soft smile as he wiped away one of your tears.

“Oh, my lovely MC… Don’t you see that you’re the only girl I want? Don’t you see that you are good enough?”

Zen is very ominent that you get help. He knows that it cannot just be him that helps you, but a doctor too, so he suggest a therapist. He’ll offer to accompany you to your appointments. He reaches out to your friends and organizes days out for you guys. He does whatever he possibly can to make you smile, and remind you that you are not alone.

“One plus one is cutie pie! Two plus two is cutie pie! Hehe~ There’s that smile I love so much, Jagiya. I treasure it.”

❀ Jaehee ❀

Jaehee was well aware of your history with depression and anxiety. Before you two became a couple, you had mentioned it to her. You felt safe sharing that information with Jaehee; not only was she your best friend, who you felt should know, but she was also the woman you were falling in love with.

One thing Jaehee has noticed when your depression is particularly bad is that you can be incredibly forgetful, and have trouble concentrating.

That can be a problem some times at the cafe. And you realize that. And you hate it.

You had forgotten two orders one day and had to deal with the angry customers alone while Jaehee was in the back room. The shame ate you up as the customers yelled until finally you ran to the storage closet and broke down, letting everything out. Jaehee sat outside the closet for an hour trying to get you out.

Another time she found you crying because you were having suicidal thoughts, and you didn’t know what to do.

She took your hand and brought them to her lips, kissing it softly. “MC, I think it’s time we find you a therapist. You know I’ll always be here for you. It hurts me to see you in so much mental pain.”

Jaehee is great in providing you resources.

If you are up for it, she brings you to support groups where you are able to talk with others who have the same turmoils as you.

She helps you in finding a therapist, and if you ask her, she’ll always accompany you, if that is what you want.

“Hey, MC. I can see that the colour has come back to your face! How are you feeling? Would you like to have a cup of coffee and talk with me? If not, we can just cuddle for a bit if you want.”

☂ Jumin ☂

Though Jumin knows what depression is, it is not something that he is familiar with, and he has no idea at first what to do when he discovers you are diagnosed with depression.

It pained him to see you never sleep. He used to not get a lot of sleep, but at least he got more than two hours a day. He’d be lucky if he got you to sleep for at least an hour and a half.

And you never take care of yourself, which can sometimes lead to Jumin being a little harsh on you, which he instantly regrets when he sees you beginning to get upset.

It tears him apart when he finds you in the bedroom crying because you are too afraid to go to a banquet with him or to go out in public. You express how you feel you’ll bring his reputation down, or you will mess something up for him.

These are the times that Jumin feels absolutely helpless. Comfort is not his strong suit. He has been able to help you through panic attacks, but when you express how utterly pathetic you feel, he feels paralyzed, and useless to you. But nevertheless, he tries to help you. He sits besides you and wraps his arm around your shoulder, caresses your cheek while he turns your head to face him. He gives you a soft smile and whispers, “I don’t think you realize just how much you mean to me. Do you really think I care about reputation? I’d give it all away to be with you.”

Gets you the best therapist money can get you. He literally holds interviews finding one. You deserve the best, and he refuses to settle for anything less.

He encourages you to exercise, and will go on little walks with you. He always makes sure that the bodyguards are close behind to make sure nothing happens. 

“I will do whatever I can to make sure you smile. When you are in pain, I am in pain. I wish I had a better understanding of what you were feeling, but please know I will try to my very best to understand.”

☺ Seven/Saeyoung ☺

Seven understands all too much about depression.

He can’t bare to see the one he loves, you, always in pain, mentally and physically. He’ll try to do what he can if he can get away form work, and rub your shoulders, massage your back, bring you heating pads. He’ll do whatever he can to alleviate as much pain as possible.

It utterly tears him apart to see you so numb sometimes. Some days, you just don’t feel anything, and he’ll find you just staring out a window with a lifeless expression. He will then try and get you moving, but it doesn’t always work.

Seven is past those days where he used to push you away and reject your affection. If anything he craves your tenderness now. But sometimes when he is so focused in work, you’ll take some of what he says the wrong way. For example, he may tell you to go back to bed if it’s early in the morning and you’ve come to check on him. You’ll get worried, and you begin to hyperventilate thinking he’s pushing you away.

And you can’t lose him. He’s what is keeping you going.

You’ll just break down in front of him, and all jokes aside, Seven will rush to your side to comfort you. There are some things that jokes just can’t fix. This being one of them.

He holds you against his chest and kisses the top of your head, rubbing your back gently and soothingly. “Listen to me, MC. I’m not going anywhere. Not now. Not ever. I made a promise to be by your side through sickness and health, didn’t I? You were there for me, and I will be there for you.”

To help you, Seven will do anything. You helped him, and he will help you.

Seven is always ready to talk to you if you need someone to talk to. If you need advice, comfort, he is there. If you need someone to just listen to you, he has all ears open. Sure, some jokes may come out every once and awhile, but these are the times that he likes to be earnest. He wants you to see that he is taking you seriously.

When times are particularly bad, he will contact your family, asking for advice on what they would do to help you and asking if they would like to visit.

“This may sound really cheesy, but it’s a quote I really liked. ‘I lost the battle, but I’ll win the war.’ It goes a little something like that. This breakdown is just one battle that you may have lost. But this whole war; you are going to win. And I believe in you, and I will continue to believe in you.”

❆ V ❆

V was probably the best for this. 

After the whole ordeal with Rika, he knew how to help those with depression and/or facing anxiety. Thankfully, you were not like Rika who planned to create an entire religion and cult based around her, so helping you was a little bit easier.

He took a lot of notice to how numb you would get. You would aimlessly walk around the house sometimes, not feeling sad, but not feeling happy either.

You were always tired and always sleeping, which he wasn’t opposed to at first until he realized just how much it was affecting your daily schedule.

To help you, he’d encourage you to talk to him about how you were feeling. Of course, if you really did not want to talk, he wouldn’t force you, but he always lightly coaxed you into letting out your feelings.

He also provides many resources for you such as support groups and therapists. He makes sure you go to one of the best therapy groups, and that you get the best help possible.

“Hey, MC? Do you think you could stay awake so I can paint you? You see, there just isn’t anyone as beautiful as you for me to paint, and I am so desperate to paint something beautiful. Everything I find just doesn’t compare to you.”

☻ Saeran/Unknown ☻

Like Seven, Saeran knows about depression all too well. And having lived now with a numerous amount of mental disorders like depression and anxiety, it really bothers him to see you facing it too. He hates knowing that you feel the same pain as him.

He recognizes it immediately. You are always in pain. Whether it is your arms being sore, your feet hurting, your back aching or your shoulders are stiff.

You are never interested in anything besides him or maybe a few books. He isn’t the best at encouraging you to ‘do stuff’ like maybe riding a bike or going to a gym, but he’ll try to coax you into doing something productive. It just usually doesn’t work. And he doesn’t feel like he is one to talk.

You will cling to him, and not leave him alone. Which he can put up with since he is clingy towards you as well, for the same reasons that he is afraid of losing you.

But you cry a lot, and that can be really bothersome for him. However, he puts up with it and will comfort you to his best ability, considering you have endured all of his yelling fits and breakdowns, so the least he can do is put up with some crying.

That leads to another thing; whenever he raises his voice just the slightest, you start to cry. His loud voice terrifies you, even if it isn’t directed at you, but directed at Saeyoung. You will burst into tears and curl into a ball, cuddling yourself as you try to block out the sounds of his shouts.

“I.. no, just please stop crying, please. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to shout. I’m trying, I really am. We are trying together… I’ll help you, MC, just like how you’ve helped me. I’m not going anywhere. We have each others backs…. I love you.”

You also cry whenever you are in the shower. Saeran doesn’t understand why because aren’t showers supposed to make you feel better? They always helped him. So why were you crying?

Saeran determines if either of you are going to get better, you’re both going to have to put some effort in. So you two start going to therapy together, which is easiest for the both of you. You guys feel much more comfortable, safe, and open being at each others sides.

Saeran always listens to what you have to say, and you do the same for him for that matter. Any rant, cry, vent, and he is all ears. He isn’t the best at advice, but he’ll try.

You guys will also go on frequent walks, which has proven to be very therapeutic and helpful for you guys. You guys will walk silently holding each others hands, enjoying the soft breeze against your faces and the birds chirping in the distance. It’s very peaceful and relaxing.

“You know, MC. We may not be perfect in health, or perfect in general. But… I think that is ok. I don’t think there is anything wrong with us. I just think we need a little extra help from each other. And I’m so happy that you trust me with your problems and your pains. I hope you continue to come to me whenever you are in need so I can help you.”

✌ Vanderwood ✌

Vanderwood wished he understood what you were dealing with, because though he may hide it behind a stoic look, he is truly, truly concerned for you.

For one, you sleep way too much. He is always having to get you out of bed and keep you from going to sleep by giving you gallons of coffee.

You walk around in baggy clothes, barely showering, never brushing your hair; just not bothering to keep yourself clean or healthy.

You will over eat, shoving food down your throat and never seeming to gain a pound, which lead Vanderwood to become ever more concerned.

For the longest time, Vanderwood never knew about the small crying fits you would have in your closet of all places. You didn’t want him to see you crying, you didn’t want him to think you were weak.

So you hid in the closet,

And cried.

But Vanderwood came home early from work one day, and the first thing he heard was your sobs coming from the bedroom. He slowly entered the room and saw that the sobs were coming from the closet. His felt an odd tug in his heart when he saw you curled in a ball on the ground of the closet. He asked you what was wrong, and you poured your heart out to him. You told him you were afraid of what he would think of you.

Weak is the last thing he would ever use to describe you, and he wish you knew that. “MC. Take my hand. Don’t hide away from me, and let me help you.”

Vanderwood is in frequent contact with your family, keeping them updated on your well being and how therapy is going for you.

He makes sure that you are always at your appointments, and that you never miss one. If he has to drive you, he will. If he has to take a bus with you, he will. A train, so be it. You are going to your appointments. And if you need him there, he will stay, no matter how uncomfortable he may feel.

“Look. I’m not the best at expressing my emotions, or how I feel. But you know that I love you. I’m not going to leave you. I’m going to keep helping you, and keep supporting you. Don’t try to hide things from me because it doesn’t work. I know you better than anyone else… I’ve really missed your smile. Come here and give me a hug.”

~~~

Requests are closed right now, but to find rules of requests you can check out my masterlist page!

[alice-royal]

IRIS ALLEN MASTERPOST #freeiris

Hey y’all, I know I never post here anymore, but I figured I’d use my blog to get the word out about this situation because it’s absolutely horrible and needs national attention. Please note, the following post contains content referencing the abuse/lack of accommodation of an autistic college student, suspension, homelessness, police/security.

Quick summary: Iris Allen (pronouns he/him or they/them), a Black, autistic, homeless student at Hampshire College, was suspended from school following an ‘outburst’ that was the result of a lack of accommodation for his disability by school officials. He was forcibly removed from campus by security officers before his scheduled disciplinary hearing despite the College being well aware he is homeless and would have nowhere to go but the street in below-freezing temperatures. As of December 12th, Hampshire College has extended Iris’ suspension to the remainder of the spring semester and police forcibly escorted him off campus without allowing him to access his dorm, take any belongings, or see his support animal. Iris is in a safe location, housed, and fed, but he is unable to obtain any of his belongings or his support animal from his dorm. (We have confirmed that the animal is able to be cared for by Iris’ friends.)

I have done my best to compile as much information about this situation as possible. None of the information presented below in the timeline is my own, and I have not put any of my own thoughts or opinions into it. I trust that the story has been reported factually by Iris’ friends/classmates and even if we do not have a full picture of the events leading to his suspension, the very act of kicking a homeless student out onto the streets in the snow is reprehensible and worth protesting.

RESOURCES:

Link to Iris's Advocate Fundraiser: https://www.youcaring.com/irisallen-1039410

Contact the following people (his conduct board members who made and supported the suspension decision) to voice your concerns about Iris's safety: Pam Tinto:  pjtSA@hampshire.edu Dre Domingue: adomingue@hampshire.edu Gloria Lopez: gloSA@hampshire.edu Greg Gnarleski: gnarleski@hampshire.edu

The following (below the cut) will detail the timeline of Iris Allen’s suspension and forced removal from Hampshire College in Amherst, Massachusetts. Main sources include Cameron Prata (friend of Iris)’s public posts as well as private conversations between him and myself, Iris Allen’s own posts and statements made in the #freeiris group, and other sources including official statements from Hampshire College.

Unknown dates: Iris Allen, a Black, autistic student, enrolls at Hampshire College. Prior to enrolling he is a homeless youth who suffered abuse and trauma, and no longer has contact with or support from any family. We know that Iris is diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. We do not currently know if he has any other diagnoses. When Iris approaches administrators for assistance, there is a lack of understanding for his situation. Iris is prescribed medications to help with his symptoms (unsure if by a physician outside of the college or by the college health service).

Iris goes to the health service to obtain medication and has a meltdown when someone asks him to turn down his music (autistic people often listen to music as a self-regulation/stimulation aid). Someone at the clinic claims they do not believe he has autism and makes him get re-diagnosed in order to access medications. According to Iris’ friend this process took nearly 2 weeks.

Iris has multiple ‘outbursts’ (also classified as ‘panic attacks’ but more than likely autistic meltdowns) at school. This has been corroborated by friends and classmates. The specific details have not been clarified, but some of the media has said that these incidents included ‘threats’. At some point after these incidents, Iris’ conduct board gives notice of a disciplinary hearing to be held on December 11th.

Friday, December 8: Video of Iris being forcibly removed from his dorm by security was uploaded to several sites.[cw: mention of rape]

Posted on FB by friend Cameron Prata: https://www.facebook.com/cameron.prata/posts/1741567165855548

Vimeo link: https://vimeo.com/246547488

YouTube link: https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=K_CU84hnDqc

“Iris Allen (pronoun: he), a black autistic music student from Hampshire College has been suspended (without a hearing from the school board) and forced into homelessness in the near subzero weather the night before a massive snowstorm in western MA. The decision to suspend Iris was made due to a recent infraction (an outburst triggered by his autism which has been greatly underwhelmed, neglected and condescended to by our schools administration). Before coming to Hampshire, Iris was a homeless resident of Boston and currently has nowhere to turn upon leaving campus. They have no family or parents, and are traumatized by the idea of being homeless in an unfamiliar town. In this video, he is being monitored by two campus police officers and is surrounded by a devastated circle of friends who are being forced to witness Iris’s expulsion into homelessness yet again. They’ve provided him with a cab to a nearby town where he will be forced to wait on the streets until his conduct hearing Monday afternoon where his fate as a Hampshire student has yet to be determined. Please share this video in the hope that we can seek justice for Iris and spread awareness of how Hampshire College is treating it’s marginalized and defenseless student. Thank you for watching, and FREE IRIS! #hampshirecollege #irisallen #freeiris”

TRANSCRIPT OF VIDEO (courtesy of FB user Lulu N Appa, in comments on the above referenced post): 

“IRIS: I had a great day today, I talked to all my friends; however, I had to go and talk to Greg He told me that I would be having a meeting about the upcoming hearing that would be happening on Monday. Unbeknownst to me, I was suspended. So here we are (if you will Cam show) with everybody here, including the campus police kicking me out without a hearing. A black autistic female student who’s made strides to change her behavior. I come from one of 9, very poor and abused, and yes I’ve developed social habits that aren’t acceptable;however I do have autism and this school overlooked it. I got in trouble enough for them to kick me out, them fully knowing, like Greg and Pam Tinto, that I don’t have a place to live. And they are able to provide me with a taxi to go towards north hampton. But they are going to drop me off and that will be the end. I’m going to be homeless again, for the third time in my life. My young life. 24. That’s all I have to say. I hope that when you guys all see this that I’m not dead. Because who knows? The school certainly doesn’t give a fuck. (sniffling in the background) I mean, if Cam doesn’t show all this footage, it will be an injustice. It will be an injustice to my death. I love you all. I love you guys.

VOICE IN BACKGROUND: That’s fucked up…

IRIS (addressing police): I’m not making any threats. But I will take this to the media! Because I have no choice. I’m not making any threats. I’m just saying that to the officer because she said I was threatening; however I’m not, I promise you. Because I’m the one who’s suffering Take a note that she’s rolling her eyes.

POLICE OFFICER: I did not roll my eyes. I was looking over there.

IRIS: That was my interpretation of it. Thank you Cam (camera points to officers smiling) (Unintelligible background conversation)

IRIS: It’s here? Well alright…

FRIENDs: Well we love you (lots of crying, hugs, sniffling)

FRIEND: It’s gonna be ok, it’s gonna be ok.

IRIS: Everybody lied to me. Greg did. I was supposed to have a meeting with Amy Parker. WITH AMY PARKER! No hearing. I just got thrown out. And there I was, thinking, ”I haven’t even eaten dinner”. Now I don’t even know where I’m sleeping tonight. In a homeless shelter where i could get raped? In a place where I’ve never been homeless before.

FRIEND: (Unintelligible talking)

IRIS: “Let’s kick her out! Let’s get her! Throw her in the field! Fuck her!” (Pacing sniffling, crying)

ANOTHER FRIEND: I’m so sorry!

IRIS: (Crying) They lied to me. They- they looked right in my face and lied to me! But all they can provide me with is a taxi, to set me on my way. (sniffs loudly) It doesn’t matter because I don’t matter. (Police walkie talkie chatter) IRIS: I didn’t even get a chance to eat dinner.”

Saturday, December 9: A YouCaring fundraiser was established for Iris to ensure he would be able to hire a third-party advocate for his hearing: https://www.youcaring.com/irisallen-1039410

Sunday, December 10th: A Facebook event was created for a rally at the time of Iris’ hearing on the 11th at Hampshire College: https://www.facebook.com/events/1157729927695106/?ti=icl

A public Facebook group was also created for the exchange of information and ideas: https://m.facebook.com/groups/1522737504483336

Monday, December 11th: Iris’ hearing takes place. Although the YouCaring fundraiser was successful in raising funding for a third-party advocate, one was not located in time for this hearing.

Cameron Prata posted that Iris was denied further access to campus at his hearing: https://www.facebook.com/cameron.prata/posts/1744179032261028

“IRIS ALLEN WAS DENIED. STILL CONSIDERED A THREAT. WE NEED TO MOBILIZE ON THE HAMPSHIRE CAMPUS! #freeiris”

Friend of Iris, Rejjia Camphor posted details on the suspension: https://www.facebook.com/rejjia.camphor/posts/1703237176407064

“Iris is still being suspended and seen as a threat to the Hampshire college community. They are not allowing him to stay on campus, he cannot access his room and he cannot participate in his ensemble performance.”

On Monday evening Hampshire College sent a ‘Campus Threat Alert’ email to students: https://www.facebook.com/cameron.prata/posts/1744455625566702

While it did not mention Iris by name it was obvious that additional security and law enforcement were called to campus in response to the rally and Iris’ hearing.

Transcript of email:

“Campus Threat Alert

Submitted by: Beth Ward

Because a threat was made to members of our campus community, you will see an increased presence of law enforcement on campus.  

We take these threats and the safety of everyone at Hampshire very seriously. We expect all members of our campus  to contribute to ensuring an environment that is safe from threats or harm to each other.  Individuals who represent a threat to the safety of the campus are not allowed on campus except under limited circumstances as detailed in our student handbook.

The safety of our campus is of top concern, and we are taking all appropriate efforts to ensure the welfare of students, faculty and staff.  If you have concerns about this alert or if you witness safety issues, please call campus police at 413-559-5424 or ext 5424 from a campus phone.

We understand that some students are upset about actions taken by the college in recent days, but the College makes all appropriate efforts to support and otherwise provide resources to students who need assistance.  The College has a process for handling these matters, which involves giving due consideration to all parties concerned.  No decisions are made without providing hearings and other protections built into the College’s policies and procedures.

Hampshire College has an obligation under federal law to protect the privacy of our students, which bars us from providing any additional details about student cases involving complaints, conduct hearings or resulting discipline.  At the same time, the College has a larger obligation to ensure the safety of our community and is acting on that obligation through this communication to campus and the precautions we’re taking across campus.

Gloria Lopez

Dean of Students”

Tuesday December 12: Iris posted in the group:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/1522737504483336/permalink/1524157817674638/

“There is another meeting today for them.to discuss thier [sic] findings with me I strongly suggest we rally again”

During this meeting, Iris’ conduct board extended his suspension to the spring semester. Iris was forced from campus by 3 police officers into an unmarked car to be taken away from campus: https://www.facebook.com/cameron.prata/posts/1745169648828633

“At approximately 10:43 a.m, on December 12, 2017, after his hearing Iris Allen was escorted off campus, by police and taken to an unknown location as they would not tell Iris or his supporters where they were taking him.”

Later that evening, Official update and statement from Cameron and Iris: https://www.facebook.com/cameron.prata/posts/1745439202135011

“After attending yet another conduct hearing at Hampshire College today, December 12th, Iris Allen’s suspension was extended to the entire spring semester. As of now, Iris’ safety is not secure, and he is indefinitely homeless. Despite being both non-threatening and compliant, three police officers were present inside the meeting. After having his suspension extended, he was physically and forcibly placed in an unmarked police vehicle by 3 police officers who refused to tell Iris or his supporters where he was being taken.

He was soon after dropped off at a local McDonald’s in Northhampton, MA (with no explanation as to why this location was chosen) by the three police officers. Though Iris has been able to find shelter for the night, he remains under extreme duress regarding his circumstance. We contacted him via video call and he has provided the following a statement on recent events.”

Transcript of Iris’ video statement: https://www.facebook.com/cameron.prata/posts/1745457768799821

“So, I can’t be there with the rest of my peers today because I was forcibly removed from the campus and thrown into a car. They have no place to take me so they dropped me off at the local McDonald’s in Northhampton. I am still being harassed by the administration who will not tell me what’s going [on]. They put me in danger, because I have been homeless--I am dirty, I am hungry, and I don’t have food. I and I just--all I want is to go back to class. Please. I just want to go to my dorm.”

Wednesday December 13th: 2 articles were posted by two different websites about the situation. The first article from Inside Higher Ed gave concise and respectful details about Iris’ suspension: http://www.insidehighered.com/news/2017/12/13/supporters-say-student-was-unfairly-suspended-hampshire-college-because-his-autism

The second article was posted on Turtle Boy Sports, a right-wing reactionary website, and makes several questionable claims with no evidence to back them up about Iris’ panic attacks. The article is extremely transphobic and greatly misrepresents the situation, most likely to sensationalize the story for alt-right trolls to use. I am including this for transparency but using DoNotLink so as not to give them any page traffic: https://donotlink.it/V2lN

END OF TIMELINE.

As of this afternoon there are no further updates from Hampshire or Iris. Iris is currently safe with a friend. Please signal boost this post so that the facts can be circulated as we are now aware of media coverage that has misrepresented the details and made false claims in order to discredit Iris. As far as is known, IRIS HAS NEVER BEEN A THREAT TO HAMPSHIRE COLLEGE. Any meltdowns and panic attacks they had, any any statements made during them, were made under extreme duress at the hands of a college administration that seems to have systematically denied Iris access to both accommodations to ensure his academic and social success as well as his medication.

PLEASE SHARE, LIKE, AND REBLOG. #FREEIRIS

[cum-villain]

You severely overestimate how good schools are.

There are many resources for school curriculums pre-planned, so even on the chance the parent doesn't know themselves, they can still teach their child using that curriculum. If they don't have the money for that, there are library books that can assist and teach, and the parent will always have at least SOME knowledge of their own.

There are social benefits... if the child isn't ostracized, either due to class, race, unknown neurodivergencies or other disabilities, or just the teacher choosing them as a punching bag. Everyone who went to middle school has horror stories of that time, and plenty have horror stories from other times. And teachers are very rarely effective in stopping bullying, and it's not uncommon for them to be bullies themselves. Additionally, there are many homeschool groups where homeschooled children can meet up with other kids for sort of field trips and make friends that way.

Kids are getting diagnosed with disabilities in school? Where?? If anything, the majority of the time kids are pushed to their limits due to teachers refusing to accommodate for unknown disabilities, and in the few times kids ARE diagnosed, they're shunted into "special ed" and face horrific ableism there. Good parents will understand their child's needs and help them grow despite them. But, I can't expect someone who is so afraid of saying disabled and uses "differently abled" to understand how ableist the whole damn system is.

Do you know how many conservative kids will go to liberal public school systems their whole lives, and still be conservatives? Parents have FAR more influence on their kids then you seem to realize. There's many many instances of kids being horrifically abused at home and not being noticed at school.

I've been in public school and homeschool, both have been shitty at times. But with school it was the whole damn system working against me, an undiagnosed nd + physically disabled kid facing heavy-duty emotional abuse at home that led me to having a personality disorder later on. The system didn't help me, it made things worse. And homeschool was also shitty at times! But it wasn't because of the education I received; it was actually better education then that in school. Homeschool was shitty for me because I had an absolute dogshit family. So, ultimately, if I could go back, I would have asked to be homeschooled earlier, despite the Family Bullshit.

some of y'all gotta realize that just because public school sucks it doesn't mean you should homeschool your kid