#there also are a lot of ppl on here whose perspective in arguments is so heavily skewed by their time spent buried deep in discourse

[genderqueerdykes]

genuine question about some identities

why do you think theres so much hate for people who are afab/amab and are also trans women/men, those who are cistrans and multigender people?

ive noticed that when you tell certain queer people you'd think wouldn't be exclusionist that your gender is funky and you're trans bc of it, they begin to use your assigned sex and your biology against you because "you can't be a trans woman if you have a uterus, ur just feminine".

its the same argument as conservatives make it. why is there so much hate?

ppl don't acknowledge my individual genders but instead see how they work alongside each other. ppl don't see me as a trans woman when my gender is woman but will acknowledge me as a trans man because of my sex traits.

these are some very important questions to ask, i appreciate you for sending this ask

i honestly think more people are becoming indoctrinated into transmedicalist and gender critical thinking without realizing it, and it's becoming dangerous. people want to inherently label an afab transfem and/or an amab transmasc as liars, people who are spitting in the faces of others, and shouldn't be a part of our community. other people make assumptions about others' experiences based on their own and don't understand that there is an entire world outside of their perspective, and that world is full of experiences they have no hope of understanding, but can simply accept.

i've gotten a lot of questions about whether afab trans women and amab trans men can exist, it's definitely a hot button issue right now, and i agree with you. if you ask me, afab trans women and amab trans men deserve to have a platform to speak from. if someone genuinely believes their identity is trans no matter what their AGAB is- who the hell am i to stop them? it's important for afab trans women and amab trans men to not speak over their other siblings and try to speak for what it's like to be intersex or an amab trans woman/afab trans man. but that doesn't mean that these people can't exist- they deserve the right to talk about their experience, because it exists alongside the experiences of amab trans women and afab trans men. they're not fighting with each other, they're unique experiences that belong under the same umbrella.

at the end of the day, someone standing there being an afab trans woman, an amab trans man, or a cistrans person is not hurting anyone. the identity itself will hurt no one. ignorance about what other trans people experience is dangerous, and so is speaking over others, but these identities in and of themselves are not harming anyone. it is very possible to go "i don't understand how that works, but if that is how they identify, then i will respect that."

between people becoming indoctrinated into radical feminism and people who are proudly adopting gender critical politics, there is a schism in our communities that don't need to be there. people think they need to "weed out the fakes" in order for us to be accepted by cishet society, which is just not how any of this works. we can't cast aside the queers who are "too weird" or "not really queer" in order to try to make the rest of the community look legitimate

this community has always been here for people whose identities don't line up with the cisheteronormative binary. it doesn't matter what someone's AGAB is- i mean, isn't that the point of the trans community? are we not the "i don't give a shit about your AGAB, i want to know who you really are" community? it's become honestly scary to see how focused the queer community has become on AGAB. people are utterly obsessed with trying to figure out the AGABs of strangers in order to deny them access to queer spaces or kick them out of spaces they rightfully belong in

and it bothers me deeply that people police the identities of multigender people beyond belief. it's like having 1 trans identity is okay but if you dare to have more than one, you're not really queer or whatever. cistrans people, multigender people who are cis, trans wo/men who consider both their manhood and womanhood trans no matter what their AGAB is, transfemmasc/transmascfem people... these identities belong and yet people proudly and gladly wake up every day to do conservatives' jobs for them.

whenever you police another queer person's identity, no matter what your intention is, good, bad or something else- you are doing conservatives' jobs for them. you are not preserving our community. you are not keeping identities sacred or safe or whatever the hell. you're gladly sucking up to our oppressors and spreading their propaganda. it's disturbing how people don't realize this

thank you for taking the time to send this ask, i agree with you 100%. this behavior has gotten out of control and it's time for people to wake the fuck up and realize they've been indoctrinated into transmedicalism, radical feminism, and being gender critical. this isn't the "right" way to behave. it's antithetical to the very foundations of the queer community.

[gibbearish]

like idk i generally disagree with the whole "go outside touch grass" response but boy howdy

[acti-veg]

hey! i hope you are doing well! so, i’m from latin américa and vegan. here’s a few indigenous groups who hunt animals for their meals, and every time i say im vegan some liberal be like: but this indigenous person i know eats meat and they respect the land etc etc!!!! or if i’m talking to an actual indigenous person they get so defensive all the time when i only mention i’m vegan and i’m like okay??? i condone the meat industry and i know that a lot of indigenous ppl buy meat at the supermarket as same as y’all so it depends a lot on the context for me. i don’t agree with hunting, but i know it’s a cultural thing and if i say this ppl are gonna think i’m prejudiced. the same goes here with some african religions that have animal sacrifice. you can’t criticize it bc it’s an african descended religion and black ppl suffer a lot of racism, and people look with disgust or make prejudice comments or are even violent when ppl say they practice african descended religions. it’s religious racism in fact. i’m black myself and i get it, but i don’t agree at all with the sacrifice thing. and i once said this and ppl looked at me like i was a racist monster. i know i’m ranting but one last thing about the indigenous ppl: where i live a lot of them are being murdered and hunted also bc of agribusiness so i always say that the meat industry is ALSO killing them bc plenty of their land ends up being land for cattle, owned by the white rich men who owns everything. i wanted to share all of this with you and know what’s your thoughts on this topic! how to respond to religious people who make sacrifices and all of this cultural speciesism? i’m sorry for the lengthy message. i hope it’s coherent

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences on this, it is valuable perspective.

Personally, I think that part of the problem in conversations surrounding indigenous issues and veganism is how much indigenous suffering is being tokenised and to some extent weaponised against vegans and in defence of eating animals. The fact that animal agriculture is one of the key threats to indigenous sovereignty and the most significant driver of deforestation is almost always conveniently overlooked, whereas the harm caused by plant products never is.

Many indigenous communities have a complex relationship with the meat industry, both knowing how much harm industrialised animal agriculture has caused them and simultaneously being dependent on it, or, just like everyone else, not knowing or not caring. Many indigenous people exist in consumer cultures, so of course are subject to the same propaganda that everyone else is. Similarly with practices like religious sacrifice and slaughter, you can recognise that it is a significant practice for the groups concerned and be sensitive about that, while also holding a personal moral objection to it. This is very different to subsistenance hunting communities, where killing animals is a necessity, but where cultural practices are concerned they are as open to critique as any other freely chosen behaviour. The key consideration is whose place it is to do critique, and who is best placed to be having these conversations.

My view has always been that indigenous cultural practices which cause harm to animals should be discussed and challenged by indigenous activists themselves, not outsiders. That work is already being done in many places, and there are indigenous people promoting veganism in their own spaces, which is wonderful to see. I just hope that outside of those spaces, the conversation surrounding indigenous issues and veganism just... grows up a bit, because right now, 99% of the time these issues are raised as little more than ammunition in poorly considered anti-vegan arguments.

[harrysmaison]

how do you feel about the fact that Harry performed at Coachella, therefore bringing the homophobic owner so much money to in turn donate to anti-LGBTQ organizations? this only makes it seem like all he's doing is performative activism

hello unknown person. That is an interesting point there, but unfortunately I'm not educated enough to answer this strongly on my own. So I'd like to kindly direct you to this particular article i came across after some (very little because it's near midnight here and I'm tired) research.

Under the cut cause I ranted too much I'm sorry

Lizzo, who we know has a very strong LGBTQ+ following, performed at Coachella in 2019. Someone asked a very similar question to her and this was her response.

...most major organizations are owned by “bigoted millionaires that donate to bigoted organizations.” But she added that her role is not to stand by and watch from the sidelines, but to do something about what she perceives as wrong. “I realize my activism is to disrupt those spaces and spread my message to thousands of ppl.”

She added that if the goal is to make sure that LGBTQ individuals receive a message of love and support, then a platform like Coachella, whether it’s owned by a homophobic person or not, should be utilized. “I’m doing what I gotta do to make sure my big black ass voice is heard,” she wrote. “Can’t wait to dismantle the hate that funds this country … but until then, imma be putting big, black, femme, lgbtq+ bodies on stages and telling our stories.

Personally, I agree with this. I saw someone receive a similar ask a while ago, i don't exactly remember who it was but they had some similar views about this argument and i remember agreeing with those too.

Coachella is a massive platform, thousands of people attend the shows. Ir seemed to me that a large part of the audience were gp or just fans of his music.

Of course, there's no arguing that him and his music (especially now that he has new album coming out) would get a lot of attention from the non fans because of this. But i would also like you to look at the fact that he tried to use that attention to bring awareness to the LGBTQ+ group as well. He raised pride flags on both shows, a bi flag, wore a rainbow jumpsuit, sang a song best known as the ultimate gay anthem with a proud lgbtq+ supporter- lizzo herself, sang a song abt having gay sex, etc etc.

I don't know how much you follow harry or his career, but i for sure don't believe even a little bit in the queerbaiting bullshit. This clearly meant a whole lot to him to be able to spread awareness about the queer community on a platform which is so openly homophobic. It's a great show of rebellion for someone like him with that level of fame, whose only way to express his true self is through performances like these. It's the best he could do to answer back to all the injustice in the conditions he's in right now

So I'd just ask you to look at this with a different perspective. A more positive one I'd say. This clearly means a lot to all of his queer fans, including me, who don't see this as performative activism but more as what any of the member in this community would be proud to be able to do: express themselves and prove others wrong.

That's what I feel about all this. Sorry if I went wrong somewhere, i tried my best to stay true to myself.

[secretlyatargaryen]

Don't respond if you don't like talking about specific/individual ppl or are irritated by such asks, if so I apologize. So do you have any thoughts on the Tyrion narratives put forth by content creators like PoorQuentyn/BryndenBfish? I know u wrote on Brynden's "monster" piece, but I searched Tyrion/Tysha on twitter and have followed other NotACast Tyrion discussion,and it all seems to be aimed at framing him villainously,and since they're influencers, it sets the tone for all Tyrion discussion.

I do want to answer this question, but I don’t want to start discourse directed at any specific person so I thought about blacking out the names. But as you said, I’ve responded to these specific people before and written my own counter-meta so it’s no secret what I think about their theories. And they do have influence in the fandom and this interpretation of Tyrion is a popular one so it’s not like I’m dog-piling on a small minority by making a different argument. And you’re right about it setting a tone, and I think we need to be aware of the tone we’re setting when it comes to a visibly disabled character like Tyrion, and I think a lot of people aren’t aware of this or refuse to be sensitive to it. It’s better than it used to be but the ableism in this fandom is still shockingly bad. I mean, I saw a post recently calling Tyrion the “most vile” character in the books. Really? That vile dwarf, amirite?

I will say first of all that any argument for Tyrion’s villainy that claims him as “the monster he was told he was” or any iteration of that phrase should be dismissed outright on the grounds of gross ableism. Even if Tyrion ended up as the biggest villain of the series, he would not be the monster he was always told he was because he was told that because of ableism, by a society that thinks that disabled people are less than human, and that is fundamentally wrong.

I know we use the word “monster” in a moral sense, to describe a person who does acts that we consider so heinous that they seem inhuman, but not only is that fundamentally wrong - because even people who commit horrible acts are still human, despite what is comforting to think - but there’s a connotation of ableism there even without taking into account how it’s used in the text to demonize Tyrion, and used by his family and others to justify abusing him.

Like, if I can go on a tangent for a second, I started thinking about this when I used to be a big “Dexter” fan, before I’d ever read asoiaf or seen an episode of GOT. Dexter is a ridiculous show and not very good (but I love it), and it suffers from the same problems that a lot of villain discourse in fandom revolves around. Dexter is a bad guy but in the context of the show, he is a hero. Dexter, the character, often calls himself a monster in the show, and yeah, he’s reprehensible. He’s a serial killer whose one redeeming quality is that he kills other killers. He’s more reprehensible in the books and the earlier seasons before the show got too in love with the idea of him as the good guy, but even before that, I started noticing something really interesting. The ways that Dexter refers to himself as a monster have less to do with his serial killing habits and more to do with how he is mentally different than others. I don’t mean in the “sociopathic” sense, either, because early Dexter would talk about himself in ways that are recognizable to a lot of neuroatypical people. Dexter talks about pretending to be a real person and not a monster the way that my college roommate and I would talk about pretending to be real people when we would work up the spoons to go out to a party.

After I realized this, I began to be really uncomfortable every time I heard the word “monster” on the news, used to describe some person who’d committed some terrible crime. I get why people use this word, because, as I said above, it’s comforting to distance these sorts of people - rapists, murderers - from humanity, to pretend they’re inhuman. I’m not asking anyone to find the humanity in a rapist. I’m not saying that disabled people are just like serial killers. What I AM saying, though, is that using the word “monster” to describe a canonically disabled character who, throughout his life and throughout the series, has suffered horrible abuse because of ableism, carries a lot of unfortunate implications. We use this word to distance humans from their humanity. Tywin and Cersei also use this distancing language to justify poor treatment of Tyrion. He’s not Cersei’s brother, he’s not Tywin’s and Joanna’s son, he’s a monster. The slavers use it to refer to the slaves in Yezzen’s menagerie, which includes disabled people and an intersex person. And we should all know that the best way to justify enslaving and abusing others is to dehumanize them. Don’t call Tyrion a monster. Don’t.

The same thing needs to be said about arguments that use Tyrion/Tysha as evidence for Tyrion’s villainy. I’ve written extensively about this and I’m not going to argue with anyone on whether Tyrion should be blamed for what happened there, because he was a child being sexually abused by a parent and any attempts to retroactively assign blame or link this to theories about Tyrion’s future villainy is completely and absolutely wrong.

Now, as far as what I have to say about the narrative that Tyrion is a villain / will be by the end of the series? That depends on a lot of things, and one of them is what we mean when we say a character is a villain.

A lot of people, when they talk about this, are of course talking about the theory that Tyrion will somehow lead Dany astray and manipulate her into blowing up King’s Landing. Unless you’re one of those weirdo people who also think Dany is a villain, but that’s a whole different story and I don’t feel the need to address that because it’s complete nonsense. Anyway.

But here’s the thing. In asoiaf there’s multiple conflicts in every POV narrative, and in Tyrion’s story here’s what I see as the two major big ones: the internal conflict, Tyrion vs himself and his desire to prove that he is not a monster / his desiire for goodness / love / acceptance; and the external conflict, the more immediate of which is Tyrion getting back to Westeros / whatever role he plays in the war of five kinds / whatever role he plays in the song of ice and fire / the conflict with the others.

The things that people often cite as making Tyrion villainous are personal villainies. They’re part of the internal conflict. And in this conflict, Tyrion himself is his own villain. GRRM says that killing Shae is “the great crime of his soul” (and I would also add raping the woman in Selhorys) and those are part of Tyrion’s internal conflict because their role in the narrative is the effect they have on Tyrion mentally. I don’t mean that what happened to these women isn’t important, but from a narrative perspective, they are important for how what happens to them affects Tyrion. Now, we could talk about how that’s problematic, but it’s problematic from a narrative perspective, and that should be lain at the author’s feet. And the problematic aspect of it is that it’s NOT there to make Tyrion a villain. It’s there to provide conflict for Tyrion’s internal struggle, which he will need to resolve in order to participate in the external conflict. I think that’s the real reason why some fans hate Tyrion, but I wish we could be honest about that instead of pretending the author intends him to be a villain, because that’s just not how Tyrion is written.

Now, when I say the internal conflict has to be resolved, I don’t necessarily mean that it will be solved, or resolved in a good way. I think it would be like GRRM to have Tyrion play a major part in saving all of humanity and still be terrible on a personal level, but I don’t think that’s where he’s going with Tyrion either. I mean, in the latter half of ADWD he has Tyrion say things like this:

An honest kiss, a little kindness, everyone deserves that much, however big or small.

Which is…just not the statement of a character who is being written as a villain. If GRRM were writing Tyrion as becoming a villain in Dance it would be a gradual progression to more and more villainy. Instead he has Tyrion vacillate between depression, apathy, and cruelty and kindness and heroism. In fandom spaces we used to call this Heroic BSoD, Joseph Campbell called it The Innermost Cave. This is the part in the story where you don’t want to hear the end, Mr. Frodo, because how can the end be good, after all that bad has happened?

…You get the idea. GRRM is darker and grittier, and we can argue about whether he goes too far, especially when it comes to his unfortunate habit of fridging female characters, but that’s a different issue.

So, my thoughts on whether I think Tyrion will cause Dany to blow up King’s Landing? I mean, I don’t necessarily think it unlikely for GRRM to go that route, but if he does it won’t be that simple. Like I said, there’s a difference between the internal, personal conflict in Tyrion’s narrative and the external, wider conflict that is going to come to the fore in the next two books. Will Tyrion try and convince Dany to blow up King’s Landing because of his own desire for revenge on his family / the city that turned on him / people in general? Maybe, but that won’t be his only motivation, and Dany isn’t going to be his hapless puppet. If that happens, here’s how I see it: I think Tyrion, when he finally meets Dany and sees the dragons, is going to buy into what she is selling. Yes, Tyrion is incredibly cynical about Dany, but he’s also intrigued and even a little hopeful, and there’s also that inner part of him that’s going to be all “dragonsdragonsdragonsDRAGONSGDSDrasfGonSSDRGRRAGONSS.” So if he has a hand in getting Dany to torch the city, it will be because he actually thinks it’s necessary or that it’s an acceptable sacrifice for the world Dany wants to create (a world where even a dwarf can look down upon the world on the back of a dragon) with maybe a side helping of revenge because here’s Dany, the rightful heir to the throne, who wants to make the world a better place and who trusts and values him, and here’s the city full of corrupt people who hate him, who almost executed him for something he didn’t do. Tyrion’s crime there might be convincing himself that it’s an acceptable sacrifice to make, for the greater good, but that’s not that different than decisions many of the rulers in the books have made, and that’s a scenario in which he, Dany, and anyone else at play are equally culpable, and a far cry from the theories about how he’s going to be the villain leading Dany astray. GRRM is too good of a character writer to pull anything else with one of his major POVs, especially not his favorite who he has often stated is “the grayest of the gray.”

It would also be like GRRM to have Tyrion commit war crimes and still save all of humanity on the back of a dragon as his final act of love, resolving the internal conflict once and for all. I have problems with this too, because I find it incredibly uncomfortable for a disabled character whose narrative deals so personally with a desire for love end with him dying in a selfless act of sacrifice / have some kind of epiphany about how his desire to receive love on a personal scale is not important. I go back and forth, but really, the only thing I’m sure about is that GRRM is not going to make it so easy for us to categorize Tyrion in the end.

[somnilogical]

no shelter

some of you may have had occasion to run into transfems preforming cryptographically secure tests for cissexism and to wonder therefore how they got that way, and here, in partial explanation perhaps, is a story of the one transfem, somnulence logencia:

(mostly cut and pasted from messages to my friends)

i called this homeless shelter and asked if they had any rooms and they said they did and to come on in and then when they saw my id they were like "how about you go to the mens side" and i was like "how about i dont want to be raped" and they were like okay and told me to sleep in a foldable cot in the entrance room. with a harsh white light on all night, i stretched it to two nights and then they kicked me out and said they had no room.

a thing about being oppressed is theres so much opportunity for snark because things are obviously fucked.

they were like "no one can come in to your room you are safe here" "so no one can come in to the main area with my cot?" "er, no, people have to pass through there to use the restroom" "i seeee"

anyway they told me they couldnt house me because suddenly they were full. i looked at a checklist for rooms that they had ppl sign and some but not all of the room numbers were highlighted. and at the end of everyone signing their names none of the nonhighlighted regions were signed except for where i signed my name next to 'cot'. a day after they told me to leave because they were full i asked my friend to call them and check if they were full, and they gave them the same answer they gave me, that there were a few openings in the upper bunks.

i talked twice in private with the most empathetic looking humans i could find that i thought the other people were turning me out asap (instead of after 45 days which was their printed policy) because of discrimination. and they both said that it was because they were full.

this isnt a shelter that really does one-day stays.

--

during my ""intake"":

"this is a christian organization so we have to ask you some religious questions. ~so how do you feel about christian stuff?"

"well christians tried to forcibly convert my grandmother-"

"sounds bad, not something jesus would do"

"..."

"well this is a christian organization so if you are staying here we do require you to go to chapel so i dont want to hear anything about "forcible conversion""

because you, the homeless person, choose to sleep there and consume their resources you see!

i dislike arguments of the form "oh but how could be horrible when we give people cookies and fluffy pillows? does that seem horrible to you? i think you are miscomprehending this entire situation somni."

they forced us all to go to christian religious services 2x a day weekdays, 1x a day sundays. and if you missed them 3x they kicked you out. and when an old lady fell asleep during services they poked her and when i said "let her sleep huh? :)" they were like "nuh uh" and poked her some more until she woke up. clockwork orange kinda stuff.

they had a rule about only wardens being able to let people in from outside which i defied to let someone in who everyone knew was staying there, but the warden was on lunch break. she thanked me. i told her these rules were unjust, she would complain to the wardens that everyone would violate rules about eating food in their rooms.

<<May a church or church-run business/non-profit discriminate against me?

Under California law, there is no religious “exception” for discrimination in housing or public accommodations. This means that a religious-based hospital cannot deny you care just because you are transgender, nor can a religious-based homeless shelter refuse to house you as the gender you identify as.  HOWEVER, certain religious organizations and religious educational institutions are not subject to California (or federal) non-discrimination laws.>>

https://transgenderlawcenter.org/resources/know-your-rights/faq-the-gender-nondiscrimination-act

they lied because they expected that i would sue them into oblivion if they told the truth.

--

i want ppl to see the structure of this sort of thing. like the details. its not true that everyone does this all the time. it is actually hard to tell when this is happening.

at this point i am very paranoid about this and i still believed they didnt have rooms with ~10-30% of my heart, enough uncertainty for the test to feel like it could go either way before i performed it. because of the way their body moved and i talked with multiple people in private and they didnt stumble over their words or hesitate.

like i practiced noticing the difference between [peoples words and social affect] and [what they were optimizing for] on homeless people who were less intelligent than me. where they would be like "i am not sexually attracted to you, that would be like being attracted to my child you are like a baby to me" while also feeling up my thigh and back. hear the smooth words and see their disconnect from actions if you took them as veritical.

and after specifically training for discerning this i was still uncertain.

im now even more paranoid about this sort of thing (in an alternate universe where the test failed and the person on the other end of the phone said that there were no open beds this would be evidence against gaslighting and i would update to a human whose coarse features look less paranoid from, i guess, the point of view of someone with less accurate beliefs whose perspective im internalizing in my description because i still apparently have outside-view security holes).

you know i got along fine with the other women in the shelter. lots of them were half-crazy black women and thats relatable. like one of the people was making >100,000$/year before she had a psychotic break and issues with schizo for 10 years. at least thats what she said and i actually belive her.

a cis woman there was threatening to fill a bag with rocks and bash someones heads in as a means of conflict resolution.

only issue was with wardens who saw my id & decided to break the laws of this state to follow the laws of their religion. remember when emma was there with me and i said she was a transsexual too and they were like "its not illegal" yet they acted like it was because they wouldnt house me and lied about why. throughout all of this, except for once, they called me "she" and "her" and yet acted like i was a ~violent male~.

spent the first 20 minutes of "intake" "processing questions" crying because they were being transphobic and processing it by making wry replies to their questions wasnt enough to parse through this. i was crying when they took my photo and entered me into their database as part of "processing me".

the missionaries took great interest in my native american ID.

--

i initially walked up to the building on the mens side and people prevented me from coming in and escorted me to the womens. because sex segregation. and then i go to the womens side and they see my id and suggest that i go to the mens!!!

its important to see beyond the surface level emotional performances, to be able to conduct tests that discriminate between different possible optimization targets.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

you said random number so.. gimme 5, 17, 24, 26, 38, and 43

#epic thank you!!!! sorry this is so long, gang, but you know me. press J if you have that keyboard shortcut option

5)favorite fics?

soph nothingunrealistic’s!! click the link & peruse any of the dozen gifts to this world on ao3. also just go right to her writing tag

17)a fandom you wish more people were in/you had more people to talk to about?

well i don’t Really have an answer for this one, but just yesterday it was once again time to talk abt how jaclyn moriarty’s 4-book ashbury/brookfield YA series is a lot of fun and unusual in good ways, but like, i guess what with being published throughout the aughts and like, not being super obscure but also not being explosively popular, and idk maybe they were also more Known in australia than the US, and, idk, but there’s not exactly what you’d call a Fandom online, or even very many traces of one. and i just like to mention the series as Fun To Read because they are very lively and focus on girls and have a real variety of Girl Characters (and also some boy characters who are also varied and fun but that’s just a bonus) and in particular i like to talk about how the third book has a really Unusual Choice Of Protagonist (the unfun unpopular Best Grades by-the-book overachiever etc etc etc nerd girl, kinda having the personality that ppl misinterpret alana beck’s personality to be lol, like something of a killjoy goody-two-shoes lol, but also with that earnestness and drivenness that alana has as well)......and the format of each book is Epistolary, but in different and creative ways each time, and it’s fun how like, the characters who are telling the story (the ones whose letters are used and etc) rotate with each book [tho emily and lydia are Storytellers in the 2nd And 4th books] and it’s very neat how like, you do get that sense that just b/c someone’s not being Focused On as much from different people’s perspectives doesn’t mean they aren’t still existing and present and doing stuff and having their own story, even when that’s not being mentioned by whoever’s writing down the events that we’re reading. we love that sentiment. anyways i just like to always Promote them.

24)who are you at the end of this decade?

hmmm!! i mean in many ways i am who i have been the whole time but yknow, 2009 - 2019 was a tumultuous period. i was always furiously trying to think through Who Am I As A Person for various reasons, even though like, when you’re in ur mid-teens that’s always In Progress rather than there being a really set answer to be discovered, and for a while it was a lot of frustration with myself all “why are you like [this], why can’t you do [that] right,” etc etc. but eventually i had like, a better frame of reference for a lot of what was going on, and even why i never quite felt like i had a great sense of Who I Am and What I Like and etc in the first place, and more understanding and respect for myself lol. even now it’s like, yknow i’m ~self-consious~ in ways often lol and i’ll sometimes Use that to be like, okay try to improve [this thing] about yourself!! and yknow on the one hand i feel like stuff i’ve been Working On for years Has paid off in ways, but then recently it’s like......okay hang on but like, it’s not a bad thing to like, have some traits that maybe aren’t gonna be seen as “perfect” or might be annoying or yknow, your Demeanor and Vibe isn’t always like, the most important thing to focus on lol or something where like, oh being sweet & saintly & coming across as utterly pleasant to everyone always gets to be The Objective Ideal. like, i’m opinionated and can be argumentative and sometimes impatient?? like, there’s a balance here between “good to be trying to Improve Yourself always or whatever lol” and “but also everyone is People with Traits and Different Personalities and everyone doesn’t have to just sand themselves down into an edgeless smooth sphere” and like, sure it’s like “haha i’m a bit more temperamental than i’d like still” but also i sure sympathize w/ the fact that like, oof, depression makes it tricky sometimes! and i do pretty okay at like, being Aware of when my mood is cursed and trying to be as chill about it as poss! or like, “haha wish i was better at conversation lmao” but yknow also understanding that like.....i’m just kinda Not great at it and that’s what’s Natural for me and like, again, a balance between “trying to be easier to talk to, lol” and “being okay with the fact that i’m not super easy to talk to and most ppl aren’t very easy for me to talk to either, lol”

im trying to be a bit less cagey lol which i guess might not be the first word someone might use to describe me for a variety of reasons, But......and but then also, i just like, for me there is no simple Be Yourself, Just Talk Naturally As U Would conversation mode lol, but you know. it’s hardly a pressing issue, and at the same time, like, sometimes when i find it hard to talk to people it’s like “well this is just you needing to Be Nicer” or whatever, or like, well you’re just not used talking to Anyone so like, push through it, and then it takes me a while to realize like, well no you just don’t love talking to them, lmao......and at the same time i’m Really slow to realize when people *do* actually enjoy talking to me, lmao, i am just not used to it And used to people like, not really being super interested in interacting with me even if they think i’m alright lol. lord! so i’m still slightly surprised whenever Anyone likes me, but also like, then again there’s sort of always these repeated scenarios where it’s like [Glum Trombone Noise] i’m also the recipient of various ppl’s various contempt for various reasons........which like, i sure don’t Absorb that as like “way 2 go, you deserve that” but also like, sure also never is the most fun experience of your life. but i have a way more solid sense of the fact that like, i don’t inherently deserve that, and an understanding of Why people will be Like That sometimes, and that’s all been acquired knowledge from the whole journey of this decade lol

also like, i have always been and continue to be like, Basically A Cat lol.....cats-sonas for everyone, ___ the ___ cat, But Seriously Folks........like, oh, there’s a lot of ppl and/or noise around?? unless i have chosen to put myself in that situation for fun, i’m probably gonna be finding whatever quiet / distant corner to hide out in and try to remain as undetected as possible.......kinda wary about interacting with people sometimes, though then also, i like to be friendly w/ strangers (if they’re friendly with me) and won’t necessarily mind spontaneous interactions but only if it’s Plausibly Expected in the situation, and even then, i might just prefer that Nobody Talk To Me......and i’ve yet to be Really comfortable in a group of ppl if i’m there *with* that group lmao, like, i don’t like to take the lead or compete for attention or anything and just kinda will try to do my own thing on the outskirts, whereas if i’m by myself it’s just like, i feel a lot more comfortable and like i can just do whatever lmao..........and also i don’t like to make noise lol. unless again, it’s deliberate, and it’s Fun. like at a concert? i will be the death of whatever nerd like, wants it to be like a solemn “listening to a record” occasion or wants everyone to yell out complete sentences if a performer asks an Arena full of people How Are You Doing 2nite or whatever. i’m gonna yell!!! anyways. idk. i am always like “oh i am Very Much [this way], except for all the times i am totally [the would-be Opposite way]”........i can’t really opt out of having Anxious Qualities and that’s alright, even though it does get in the way of things sometimes for sure. like, c’est la vie!!! i understand why i am like this, and that like, while for my own sake i can try to hold my own hand here and encourage myself to be a little bolder, it’s totally fine that like, i have Problems and Difficulties. 

i’m also at like, maybe the lowest levels of Impending Dread that i’ve had since i was like, 8 or some shit lmao............like again kind of a Wild Decade and one where like, it was totally all like “wow am i even gonna make it to [a few yrs in the future] -> [a year in the future] -> [half a year from now]” aaand it hasn’t been a full year yet since i was last thinking like “lmfao oof i might not be alive by __, who knows!!” but even while that was going on it was at least an improvement from the times i thought i might like, hmm hope i don’t off myself. and like, this is probably the first Start Of A Year in like. well possibly the past decade lmao, where yknow, it hasn’t felt quite as dire. i mean im not really out here a cockeyed optimist about anything, and like, i’m aware that things are always a little tenuous and there’s other factors i’m always nervous about, but That’s nothing new, and i’m kinda more like, neutral about the future rn lol? feeling less Dread and Doom is new-ish lmao and like, allowing that yknow, despite how crappy the past decade has been re: how i felt in my Outlook, there’s been a bunch of surprising Good Things to come along, and i totally allow for the fact that that could easily continue to happen. having Less(ened) Bad Feelings about Things might not = Absolutely Thriving but i appreciate it!! i also try to be appreciative lmao. like, what with the dread and doom & (hope i don’t die this year, i guess,) feelings, it’s wildly hard nowadays for me to like, anticipate stuff in a ~fun~ way or at all, but yknow when anything nice, even a really small / unspectacular / ordinary moment and/or detail, is being experienced by me, i try to enjoy that. i like to be Appreciative. and i think i’m also sort of like, sharing more of myself than i’ve probably gotten to or felt capable of doing in the past, and i appreciate that a lot too. like, it can be really Depressing for sure to think of like, hmm i haven’t had the chance to like, feel in control of things and like things are Totally Fine and i feel Totally Okay & like i’m enjoying everything, and i can choose to pursue [things i might enjoy], and maybe i Won’t have that chance? [another glum trombone noise] but like. i appreciate the good experiences that i Do and Have gotten so far. and the fact i’ve ever been in situations to connect with people and enjoy things the ways that i can and like, it’s really nice that My Presence in other ppl’s lives, even as just like Some Online Rando re: some ppl lmao, has had some positive effect for them or even just been enjoyed is like, wow, this is pretty great lol.........not sure where i was taking this tangent but like, i am someone who appreciates this a lot.

hmm i am also a passionate person at the end of this decade lmao!!!! that has definitely always been true. i am Of That Temperament. it is funny b/c like, the fact that i am A Motormouth Actually But Often Not Saying Anything In The Least To People, they think i’m like, of this very mild disposition and Not someone with strong opinions that they will launch into, or else i would have been doing that already........but you know!!! here i am online, fully able to just dive into things and start talking about whatever for one million years. and i sure latch onto stuff in a Big Way sometimes, which is why anyone follows me at all lol, b/c if you like [whatever particular content] and i am just all about that too, it’s a beneficial situation for us both i guess lmao. i can get really excited and focused about stuff, obviously, and i sure Also Obviously like to explore the emotional aspects of things. which is a vague thing to say lmfao but you all know what i mean!!! it continues to be the only reason i draw lmaooo like i draw so much and like, Making Fanart And Sharing It Online has i think also been a journey of this decade for me, and i really only draw a) exactly that fanart that i feel like making, and b) what i feel like making is always also probably abt Feelings somehow, like the Three Emotions: kissing (aka gay), crying (sad), and angry (angry)........great news if you want to see the stuff i already happen to be drawing lol!!! bad news i guess if you were hoping i’d draw anything but whatever i end up wanting to draw. i cannot be diverted. and i don’t even draw for its own sake lol like, i’ve always doodled for fun and all that, but like, ive never been a “wow i want to make my own __ someday” or whatever, and if i’m trying to draw something which is anything other than [the exact thing i might feel like drawing] it is Such a chore that like, i just don’t do it except for like, total Exceptions. except exceptions lol. don’t ask!! anyways why did i get on that drawing tangent there........yeah it’s definitely lucky that i’ve been giving myself that Drawing Experience so that i can connect w/ ppl that way, cuz i’m godawful at like, necessarily providing other stuff lol Or at being the one to Make Connections Happen otherwise......and also of course sometimes it is easier to convey/communicate something via drawing. woohoo!!

anyways yeah i’m a bit excitable lol and i sure guess i’ve got that Chaotique energy at times, for better or worse lol........like sometimes my Contribution can be like, just an absolute wild card thrown into the pile, or just like, maybe adding some Boost to a situation that other people can run with if they so choose. just throw things out there sometimes and enjoy when other ppl find that fun lmao

what else is there about me??? lol.......oh yeah i’m always sort of an Office Goofaround (not actually in an office ever, though). like, when ppl Don’t have that sense of Collaborative Humor where like, if someone does something a bit silly u just roll with that bit, or if god forbid they have Exhausting Cishet Guy humor where they think everything is about Dry, “Intelligent” Sarcasm and that being “funny” is about making yourself look like the coolest or cleverest person there who Wins the Center Of Attention spot?? it’s like, eff that, where are my Get Silly gang. also puns are funny but also only b/c they are silly. you have to really lean into it lol. 

well anyways!!!! and when i am asked to talk about myself i can be very extensive and yet not necessarily cover everything. here we are

26)favorite look you had?

my look hasn’t changed too much! Tees n Jeans (or shorts? or jorts? lol) are pretty much my thing altho you Know i have at times added in A Layer, or even accessories.......as always, part of the first few years of the decade for me was the whole “aha, yeah okay i’m trans” process, but before that i wasn’t ever really trying to be more “””””””””fashionable”””””””””” than the tees n jeans type of look anyway lmao, and even nowadays like, i have some Wardrobe Items that like, ppl might consider ”androgynous” or whatever when cis dudes wear them, like leggings or a v-neck sweater........really some of the only significant Changes was getting binder/s eventually (by 2012?? ugh idk) and also like, by 2011 i cut my hair relatively short, and from there on i just like, every year went “ugh god i need it to be shorter” and even now i’m like, hmm, do i want it shorter or is this fine?? but also i’m somewhat limited styling-wise b/c i just continually cut it myself in a bathroom mirror, true chaotic. and! i’ve been like, god i wish i had a baseball cap that’s just like, solid [my fave blue] or yknow, black or something, or idk. one that i like. and also someday it would be nice to like, not only have an updated prescription of lenses but also Multiple Glasses Frames to choose from, even though my current ones are alright still lol.......this is me just talking abt my past looks and how i’d like to potentially update my look lmao i did Not answer the question but, as usual, i also don’t have a great direct answer lol

38)a prediction you had for this decade that came true?

lol this was not a decade where i was ever looking ahead to 2020 and making any assumptions about this Block Of Time as a whole.......i mean like, i was Really starting to suspect byyyy 2012 for sure that like, i could not like, be able to exist And have my parents be in my life at all lol and by 2013 it was just like. increasing confirmation of that. and i last saw / spoke to them prior to me just effing out of there at the end of 2015. snaps for me

43)an important relationship (of any kind) you had?

well a couple i appreciated that might not be obvious were pretty brief and fairly impersonal lol. so in 2015 i had this Nightmare Job for five whole months which was obviously miserable in most ways, but there was this other guy who wasn’t even a Coworker, we just had the same job and had similar routes of Stores to go to, so we would run into each other a lot of mornings, and he would talk to me and i’d talk to him and he was totally good-humored about everything and that was helpful lmao b/c it’s great to have Someone you enjoy seeing. i also struck up a rapport with a baked-goods stocker at one particular store, and that could be an enjoyable 14 seconds. it was a godawful job lmao and like, Any pleasantness at all / decent treatment from other people was very helpful

also at this other job the next year which was a lot less hellish, there was this customer lady who like, i can’t remember at what point she started talking to me but yknow it got to be that if we’d run into each other she’d kind of update me on her life. and she would be like “sorry i’m talking to you, a stranger, about all this stuff all the time, but my life is a mess and i don’t really have anyone to talk to” and i would be like, lmfao mood, do not even worry about it, and yknow this was someone i only ran into usually once every few weeks at my job, and could only listen to for however long, but she was Going Tf Through It all the time and as much as i am a chatterbox who will go on for a century about myself b/c i can’t be concise abt anything ever, i’m also decent at being in Listening Mode lmao or yknow, i was like No Truly i don’t mind you venting, and also yknow, i’m like well i know how much it sucks to have Nobody to talk to about Big Problems. and i am this random restaurant worker and if i’m one of the only people this lady can talk to, you can bet i’m going to listen lol.......and she was really goin through it all One Thing After Another and yknow i’d catch her two weeks later and she’d be all like, well [this situation] has gotten worse, or This One Problem is over but now New Problem has replaced it, etc, and a whole issue that i got updated on was like lol. she had this boyfriend who she’d kinda mention early on when she was talking abt trying to find a job, or losing a new-but-terrible job and once again being back in that Job Hunt Stress, and idk like. i just sort of have decent Relationship Instincts lmfao of like “hmm this doesn’t sound great” but like, a month or two later she’s straightup Married to this dude, and i’m like oh congrats :) and then when a month or two after That she’s talking about how like, she’s maybe having Job Probs again and her now-husband is really giving her shit for like, not having found a new one yet, i’m like internally all [ :)))))) Not Surprised :))))))) ] but i’m like. yknow you Sympathize n Validate but if you just up and tell someone who’s being treated real bad like “you are being treated terribly, this person is acting terribly” then they might just want to defend them like oh it’s not That bad, or minimize it, and blame themselves for making their terrible partner “look bad”.......and by extension when she once was in our restaurant With said husband and introduced us i was like, just getting further confirmation abt this dude’s shittiness from his Immediate Vibe lmao like....whenever i feel uncomfortable enough in someone’s presence in a [not just universal level of Anxiety] way, it’s like, that instinct is pretty reliable & accurate lol.....but i had to pretend Not to hate him or act too standoffish towards him lmao cuz like!!! i figured i could “get away with it” but yknow, this lady had already said how isolated she was and the husband sure seemed Controlling and like, yknow, if you act like you don’t Like the shitty partner or said shitty partner catches wind of you maybe telling this person that “hey your partner is being shitty” then it’s all, them telling their partner “don’t go around that person who is so obviously Against me >:(” and like. yknow i figured as Random Restaurant Employee this dude wasn’t about to be super on guard about me but i still was not wanting to risk it but luckily i only met him the one time and only had to casually pretend i didn’t think he was shit that one time. and anyhow! soon enough the lady is talking to me about how she thinks getting married to him was a mistake but like, again, she was real isolated and didnt have family or friends or ppl in the area to talk to, and like, yknow she would be pretty sure her husband was cheating on her but of course He was the one all like, wanting to be controlling and invade her privacy and accuse Her of cheating on him, and i’m like, internally screaming but again yknow, i’m just letting her vent to Anyone (me) and sympathizing. and iirc her talking about her “uh oh my husband sucks” was like, i had come back from this delivery so we were in the parking lot lol and she was so upset about all of it and like, “sorry i’m just this random person talking to you for twenty minutes in a parking lot and crying lol” and i’m like. i mean yknow if the only person you can vent to about this terrible situation is me, this random person in a parking lot, absolutely i am glad to do it, even though i would’ve done it anyways lol...........and i was so mad at our General Manager this one time lmao b/c. yknow it’s a couple weeks later and wouldn’t you know it, The Lady is really stressed b/c her husband was yelling at her and broke a window in their apartment, and the Cost Of Repairs added to their monthly rent meant they might not be able to make that rent, and she was in that crappy situation that gets pulled on Tenants Who Probably Don’t Have Much Money, where you’re supposed to get 5 Days Notice or whatever when they’re like “get out b/c your rent is overdue” but you get that Notice on like, friday afternoon when your Last Day is supposed to be the following monday, and nobody is at the office all weekend, so obviously that’s not five days and it’s really only One Day and that Last Day that you’d even have a chance to talk to anyone, which is also a monday when you’d probably have work, and yknow, good luck finding help over the weekend, when probably ppl will just want to spend that time rushing to just pack their shit up and leave anyways.....ANYHOW it’s just some particular heinous bullshit and it was like, the saturday after it had happened to her, and i sympathized entirely b/c that had happened to me and i now lived in my car but i figured i wouldn’t bring that up lmfao.......and anyways i was sitting down with her to listen to her b/c it’s an Insanely Stressful Situation and again like, whenever she’d show up i’d let her talk to me abt her Problems for however long she felt like. and anyways of course eventually the one By-The-Books manager gives me shit all like “what are you doing daring to Sit Down and Not be doing restaurantly actions, ugh” and i’m like. i mean, unsurprising lecture to get lol, of course, but i was just so impatient like. well this person was having a crisis so i prioritized that above keeping the coffee stirrers fully stocked at all times, bite me. ENNYHOW and i didn’t see her for a minute after that and i Was a bit worried b/c like. of course i had every reason to be and she was just always looking so completely exhausted but then like, actually the last time i saw her she was actually more upbeat than ever b/c like! turns out that during an argument her husband had assaulted her and had been arrested. which is of course like. i was like oh i am completely sorry about that trauma but congratulations at this person being separated from you!!! and like, i wish i could have kept up with her beyond that, but i couldn’t, but like, that was the first Improvement in her life that i’d heard since i met her, and it was a way better last-thing-to-hear-from-her than her stressing out abt eviction thanks to her abusive husband breaking shit. and like, weird relationship lmao but!! idk i did feel lucky that i could be The One Person This Lady Gets To Talk With b/c like, god forbid she have absolutely nobody to talk to about this shit or treat her with any sympathy, even if it was just me, the rando she only got to see on occasion. and i hope she’s doing okay still! wish i knew for sure of course, but i’m glad i at least got to be there for her in a tiny way for a period of time and did eventually like, Know that she both knew that this was a bad person to be with, and got that Reason to be separated from him.

[monsterkissed]

wasn't the implication with erica in the new ending that because of the new fucked up timeline, we're seeing her pre-transition not as a gay man? (ex. in response to toby saying, "man there aren't any hot chicks around..." she says "idk, one might be closer than you think~")

[hi, this is me from the future where i finished writing this answer. i just realised how long this response is so i apologise in advance but i promise there is a reason for the wordiness to follow. also i just came off a 15-hour shift so i am sorry if i am not wholly coherent]

let’s take the most generous reading here, bearing in mind translation issues, cultural differences, and thermian perspectives

why? why write that into the game? none of this is real and they could write anything they wanted. they already know that the way they wrote erica originally was controversial, and not just in the west either. of all possible things, why write this? if for a moment we put aside the in-canon explanation, again assuming that it is airtight for the sake of argument, what are we left with?

why have a trans woman character whose transness is a ~twist~? why have her last name be a pun on her trans status? why deadname her? why have her friends misgender her and find her sexuality creepy? why have her bf disgusted at having had sex with her? why play that for laughs? why give her the men-exclusive nightmares? every one of these was a decision real peopl made over the years this game was made, and re-made. why?

p1 had a suspect final boss design. p2 had both a shitty trans man and trans woman joke. p3 had the beach thing. p4... does not require elaboration. p5 ditto. all of those games bar p5 have been remade and in every one not only did they not cut or adjust or even just acknowledge the often just cruel and meanspirited at best content, p3 and p4 added more. why?

so the new catherine adds yet another Crossdressing Character Entrapping The Men, why? with the obligatory cliche “oh no you’re naked and there’s a penis how horrifying!!!!” scene even, why? and then on top of that it gives us an ending where the actual trans woman isn’t anymore. why?

i’m not trying to be mean and i am genuinely sorry if i sound that way bc i’m not like, accusing you of being Problematic or anything anon i mean idk you you could be anyone but i am assuming ur just asking a question harmlessly and i can appreciate that. you don’t have to agree with me even. i am the first one to say that you can take a text from the author’s cold dead hands and make it your own and create something 10 times more beautiful and valuable than the original creator ever even imagined and god knows spite is a brilliant motivator. for example, in the old game i like the reading that the reason erica had the nightmares was bc the shitty god of that universe is a transphobe, and i could write a decent essay defending that idea and talking about the value in a story that says even god can’t make transphobia valid. like that’s something a lot of irl trans ppl might find heartening and empowering and that’s not nothing! that’s a worthwhile story to tell imho. but that wouldn’t make that the story the original writers meant to tell, bc from the track record above there’s just no way to sensibly argue that.

that wouldn’t make my essay wrong! there can be multiple ways to read a text Properly (in fact there are as many as there are people who read it) but i don’t get to ignore the ones i don’t like, especially when it goes beyond just one game. this is a pattern, and it’s part of a very ugly picture.