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scentofpines · 4 months

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Long depressive ramble sorryyyy (read if you feel like a loser, bc you will feel better afterwards, knowing you are way less of a loser than me lol)

my ex friends came out of school thriving, traveling abroad, doing internships, going on adventures, going to uni, partying, all this NORMAL stuff. When I dropped out of highschool bc i couldnt take it anymore i was a fucking wreck and a shell of the person i once was and sometimes it feels like i will never recover from this. i wasted years of my life. sure i did my a levels/highschool grad/abitur whatever you call it as an extern two years later and excelled but then i didnt do ANYTHING official for 3 fucking years. I go to uni now but parttime and will only start full time next semester and i dont even know how i will be able to do that bc it drains me so much. i dont even know if i will enjoy archaeology (i only studied history as of now, arch will start next semester). i never had a proper work. no one will ever employ me. what will i say when they are like ok what did you do between 2020 and 2023? NOTHING BRO I TRIED NOT TO KILL MYSELF (yee ok i did a lot of stuff for personal fun/development, like fucking knitting and gardening lol but nothing of substance). The three uni exams that i got graded on as of now i excelled in but what is it worth? I have no friends, any social interaction that isnt with my fucking mom is so draining, i constantly feel like an alien when i try to talk with the only girl in uni i know bc she is so absorbed into everchanging niche tiktok shit that is so superficial. I am constantly stressed I sweat writing this fucking paragraph right now lmao. I have my dog and I love her more than anything but I got her at 16 and bc I was very responsible and wanted to care for her always and not burden my mom with that i never went to student vacation and left early at parties etc. Having her definitely held me back. Now it doesnt even matter anymore, bc I dont want to do these things. She is also the reason i didnt kill myself so its an overall win i guess lol. I conditioned myself into sadness as my default since the age of 12 and I dont know if i can ever get out. I dont know how to be happy or content for longer than like a minute. The three therapy attempts i did were horrible and i just dont think that is the way for me. I lowkey hate what i have to do for uni but i cant drop out i have nothing else, im incapable of doing anything else. the fact that im an introvert and that i had basically unrestrained access to the internet in my formative years really didnt mix well, i was just consuming consuming consuming content. i have no creativity anymore. i genuinely dont know how the average screen time of ppl can be 8 hours and there are still artists out there? mine was way less and it still left my brain crippled. i was such a bright child, so creative, i dont want this all to be lost. Nothing ever changes for me, while everyone is living their lives I'm so paralyzed.

#personal #depression #social anxiety #dont worry i will feel better again but these thoughts are always there in the background

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nahalism · 1 year

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did you ever need to take sth like antidepressants for anxiety or panick attacks? I recall you speakin about having dealth with them in the past & been wonderin if you ever tried medicating urself for it / would consider it if your nerves were getting too much 4 u at some point down the line or did you develop ur own way around those little&big pits of hell

heyyyyy <3 (this will b long but this question deserves a thorough answer so hope thats ok)

ive been strongly encouraged to take various medications over the years, particularly for anxiety/mood stabilisation, and twoish weeks ago i ended up in hospital cause literally i lost my mind, and i felt so out of it that thats the first time i ever considered not just wanting, but needing medication in order to function. however, i didnt, cause i dont like making decisions in the moment (desperation leads to desperate decisions) and because before that experience and even during it, ive never felt convinced that medication was the solution to the problems i was facing. 1) due to the physical, mental and emotional side effects. & 2) because im not convinced the people prescribing the meds even know what is 'wrong' with me.— a lot of that has to do with the nhs being a mess, (its quicker to get meds than wait thru the referral time to get diagnosed & into therapy) but also, theres a lot of comorbidity in the diagnosis ive been given, so there are multiple things to treat & in their eye's medication gives a faster result than unpacking all of that individually. the recommendation was to put me on a cocktail of drugs that can fuck up my liver kidneys and endocrine system to 'see if it will work' .. :/.

the only thing that has ever worked for me is sitting with myself and my emotions, acknowledging them, doing things at my pace in my time, and structuring my life in a way that is tailored for me and my success rather than being successful in the world or in a socially accepted way. that means having a morning routine that caters to my mental emotional and physical health, (mindful practices, yoga, gardening, sound work etcetc), and finding ways to continue that throughout the day (working creatively and limiting my exposure to people or situations that are not for me/overstimulate me).

that being said, this routine (which is still being refined and altered) works pretty well for me, but comes with sacrifices and isnt fool proof. symptoms of my mental illness still persist & without being medicated people are less lenient when helping someone they feel isnt 'helping themselves', im also still working on how to be as sociable as id like to be, and often my spirals are triggered by the very system i have in place to help me. i often face feeling like a let down, like im lazy, like im a weirdo/recluse, like im incapable of being a normal person etc etc. for example, a lot of the friends i graduated with have experienced crazy growth in their careers and have a sense of social and financial security that i dont have because they can function year round, whereas i have months at a time where i dont feel myself and have to disappear in order to keep sanity and peace in my being, lol. that, and the fact that it takes me a lot of base maintenance and effort to function as a normal person makes me feel like shit if i let it, so i constantly have to remind myself on top of the work i do daily, that whilst there are things others have/experience, that i dont, the inverse is also true, and theres beauty to me being me in my way. and .. yeah 🤷🏽‍♀️. that part is hard. but its also worth it to me and has taught me a lot

all that being said, do your own research and decide what feels right and what is best for YOU. speak to your doctors, therapists, and friends who may be medicated, or look on forums online for perspectives from both sides. [*if anyone reading this has a helpful opinion 2 offer pls comment]. the feeling of helplessness when your in the throws of whatever mental illness you suffer from can be debilitating and if taking a pill everyday or when you need it can fix that, no ones opinion should sway you from doing what you need to do to function. some of my friends who are medicated swear by medication!! (particularly when it comes to adhd meds) cause not being able to process thoughts and function is horrible and ruins lives needlessly.

so yh.. i hope this helps. as long as you do whats best for you, i have no doubt you will find your way through this and that it will be worth it. above all, know that the power of your will, your mind, and your person, is what makes you special, and so even if it takes more for you to show up than it does others, that's absolutely fine. take your time with it, and know what nothing is wasted, because you have no idea the good that can come from working out the details. most of the advice i have to offer comes from making it thru an existential crisis or bout of depression. <3

blessings 2 u love

#ask

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alicentsargent · 5 years

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i dont doubt that ian and mickey would wanna marry each other bc they love each other and also ykno, the benefits with being legal in the eyes of the government and hospitals etc etc- but I HATE how they made marriage into some 'you dont love me enough if you dont want to get married' bc so many people stay together for a long time without marriage.

im sayin. this season would have been so much different and more aligned with characterization if ian was the one to push marriage and mickey was the one who was very skeptical (which would have worked very well with what we saw from s3-5) BC IT MAKES SENSE. ITS CONTINUITY.

but no they had to warp everything. and whatever, ill get over it eventually... but shameless has never been the type to be so 'traditional' and its like... they really didnt know what to do with ian and mickey or they just didn't care to put in effort out of spite.

so what's next for them in s11 if all the potential for this season was lost. theyre going to have to be creative and so far so bad.

there's storylines they could have as a married couple, that could have started this season, and delved into more in s11 but they havent been smart abt this. the way they went about marriage being so important, will not be surprised if they made them even more traditional by wanting a child...

what i would now like for s11? kinda want them to bring back ian and bipolar disorder, since he brought it up recently with his fears about marriage. id like to see ian actually struggling bc he rushed into marrying mickey because he didnt want to lose him. but his issues are also still present, marrying mickey didnt erase them?? what about them going through the mental health system together, couples therapy maybe? we need more emotional growth its not enough to just hear ian say 'i love you' every episode it just isnt. shameless has given them the bare minimum of screentime and storyline sense, why not tie shit up properly for the finale.

im also a big fan of those posts going around of them packing up to move into a place together and i think that would be perfect for them to end the show that way. More stable and committed to understanding each other thru better or worse. literally.

#gallavich #shameless #is2g miss me with that baby shit gtfo #*

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pestopascal · 4 years

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what do you think will happen to mea in the future? it doesnt seem to be high on biowares priority list but with a possible remaster it would help right

i think that it is possible it would get a second (and probably third) game. it was clearly setting up for something, and not just with vaults and fixing planets and working out who the fuck were the kett, but also with the quarian ship and the random spatterings of cerberus in there, eclipse and blue suns made it onboard, gene therapy for the krogan, who killed jien garson etc etc. and look i did really enjoy andromeda... once i got past eos the first time. same with the hinterlands, just the opening first level was almost too big? granted, idk how game companies can find a happy medium with that sort of stuff, its out of my league, i got past eos, im fine now.

a remaster of the OT will bring that series, esp me1, back into kind of... orbit. as such. like me3′s endings ultimately did basically kill a lot of it’s following. i think i was talking with friends about this the other day, but me3′s endings rly did hurt its fan following, the creativity, the interest, etc etc etc. me3′s endings became so much of a joke they were referenced in other media. its pretty much all the games are known for in some way. but not rly going into that now. everyone still kind of rly holds up me1 to this standard however, but yknow when you go back to a first game in a series if you started later and its kinda clunky and you either dont get it or the nostalgia is the only thing holding out? yeah. i would say it would be in the better interests of bioware to remake instead of just remaster, bc idk if you have seen ubisofts remasters of ac3 where its like they just smoothed out some lines and threw a filter on everything. and then theres just straight up porting games, like uhh all i can think of is ratchet and clank or the jak and daxter series straight from ps2 to ps3/4. however thats a matter of resources and time and would they be also able to convince EA it was worth it because how would they transfer that game to frostbite (i think theyre still using frostbite) etc etc. obviously, dont work there, dont know.

however, mea has kind of been taken out with shoving all the important plot into books. if they were to make a second game, which i think in an interview in 2017/early 2018 when the devil himself came back to bioware, they were looking into it, it’s kind of. what do they really have to go on. but also in biowares favourite story telling “please buy our other external media so we have money” move, they shove stuff into books and comics, then reference it in game but only give like a fifth of the story, so we have a repeat of wicked eyes wicked hearts, where an overwhelming majority of people who hadnt read the books reuinted celene and briala, before realising just how fucked up that is bc of how celene treated briala and what she did to her. and ofc bioware kind of came under fire for being rly prominent as a company for doing that with external media, and tried to push back with ‘its not our fault ppl dont read our stuff’.

personally, with whatever is going on with anthem, how no one really knows whats happening with DA4 like what the story is even gonna be about besides tevinter and how theyre probably gonna justify slavery in some way because its bioware and theyre tone deaf as shit most of the time, and mass effect as a whole being shelved... i personally would say in their better interests it would be a matter of remaking dao and me1, because it would mean their original gold/platinum whatever standard games match the current look of whatever else they wanna release, they also regain interest, it would sell (it would. honestly it would). because from my understanding... bioware fired and closed a lot of studios in the process of mea being made and anthem coming in not long after. a lot of the og writers and producers and directors arent there anymore. theyre basically a brand new team in a sense, but theyre more under EA’s thumb than ever (literally, 90% sure on verge of collapse around the time of anthem’s release, and judging by how they had to be reminded about their roadmap...). short of them also somehow getting another star wars contract, or being allowed to come up with an original thought and idea to move away from their two flagship series. idk. they have to convince EA to give them time and resources at the end of the day.

#replies #bioware have such a firm hold on certain aspects of gaming #that a lot of other companies can only dream of #that it would be a shame to see them completely collapse #however they also dont do themselves any favours either #and havent rly done so since signing onto EA/me2s release #imo i do think a remaster/remake of OT/me1 would be in their best interest #but they have casey hudson back on board so who tf knows #Anonymous

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flying-elliska · 5 years

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hi ellie! first of all, you're amazing. i mean seriously, i love your breathtaking writing, i love your essays about just ANYTHING, i love the way you're thinking and see things, it often makes me reconsider something or think about some things i havent thought about before. i love learning something important that way, i guess. honestly, thank you 3000 for that. yeah, i dont know you but there's something telling me i somehow can FEEL you and your incredible personality (1)

you’re also so open about mi and your struggles, I think I learn from you not only about general things but also about myself and understand myself better. im almost 100% sure I have an undiagnosed adhd and decided to go to therapist, I think it’s skamfr s3 in general, eliott character, your fic (and the way you portray eliott and his bpd struggles) and you personally helped me with that a lot, now im looking for my options (2)

and you know, you kinda inspired me to learn dutch (haha I just have a soft spot for germanic languages I think), so would you please recommend me some dutch stuff? I mean it can be anything, tv shows, movies, some music, anything you like? sorry for the rambling, just wanted to let you know that I love you, you’re incredible!

thank you anon, that’s adorable ! you’re so sweet ! I’m so happy to hear that, that’s such encouraging feedback. it’s pretty recent for me to be open about this stuff as well, and yeah, skamfr and eliott were such an inspiration. i love that it’s having so many ripples. and it’s telling me that being open is worth it, because it’s not always easy.

about the adhd : i’m glad to hear that you’re taking those steps for yourself. It’s often complicated to figure that shit out esp when you’re not a young boy, because that’s the stereotype. Adhd is actually hella underdiagnosed in everyone else, esp adult women (i don’t know where you fall but I assume you’re not a 7-yr old boy lmao). it’s also really badly named, because it’s about much more than having trouble focusing, it affects your emotional regulation, your self esteem, your social life, your sensory experiences, your ability to just do things. It’s a pain but it also has lot of cool aspects : being creative, compassionate, passionate, innovative, etc. You just have to find a way to tap into it. And honestly it’s one of these things where therapy/medications can really, really change your life in a radical way. It’s one of the diagnoses with the highest rates of positive change. My advice tho would be to make your own opinion as well and to look for a therapist that has experience with dealing with adhd because more ‘general’ therapists might not know what they’re doing and kind of give you pointers that are not going to work for you. and be ready to do your homework, because in the end you will be finding the solutions that work for you. personally I profited a lot from going on #adhdtwitter, there’s a lot of cool folks talking about their challenges and how they solve them. Also on youtube, the “How to ADHD” channel helped me a lot.

for the dutch thing, the typical dutch answer would be “why would you do that to yourself” lol BUT i am not and I think it’s a super nice language and i think it’s amazing if you want to learn more. Now, disclaimer, I am not super plugged in into Dutch culture. OF COURSE i would start by recommending that you watch Skam NL. If you haven’t already. Now maybe you’re tired of watching s1 again, but to me, it’s the best one yet, and I’m including OG in that. The girl squad is so soft, Isa is amazing, and it gives me this feeling that they really get female friendships more than any other so far. It’s just very warm and fuzzy and the aesthetics are on point. (and they need more views to be renewed so we can get Lucas VDH’s season, he is such a cool Isak, stylish and even more snakey, it’s what he deserves). Then in terms of books, I’m going to recommend those I personally used to develop my Dutch when I was a teen growing up in France and not having a lot of occasions to practice - there are a lot of actually really fun teen/kids/young adult writers who write spooky stories. My favorite has to be the Griezelbus series by Paul van Loon. Now it sounds silly, but that series was so formative in my development as a writer. It starts with kids going on an event tour with a writer on a bus who tells them scary stories, but each story gives them a clue that something deeper is going on. And the scary stories are just so raw and visceral and deep and sometimes horrible and sometimes kind of poetic ? i remember that one about the principal of a school having a chair that eats kids, but ends up eating him ? or that one about a teddy bear doctor that puts real hearts in the teddies ? damn that shit was hardcore lol. It’s a bit dated, but the level of language is pretty accessible. It’s a bit like the Goosebump series, but more meaningful. Dutch movies/tv are sadly not very good lol. And I don’t really know any books. Sigh. I was planning to work on that actually ahahahahah. Might come back to you about that later lol.

anyway good luck with everything, and thanks for reaching out

#adhd #advice #anon asks #dutch

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rimurutempest-bounced · 5 years

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questions for neurodivergent folks ( from @shitborderlinesdo )

post here!

if ur autistic:

1. do you stim?

yes, sometimes! i’ve suppressed a lot of it over time but i still do some subtly.

if so, what are yr favourite stims?

touching/tapping the tips of my fingers together, stroking soft patches of skin(esp backs of my hands, wrists, or parts of my thighs, hips, ankles), cracking knuckles, stretching fingers/feet/arms/legs rly far, rapid blinking(though i also have a tic involving blinking which is similar, but involuntary), bubble wrap,flicking light switches/door lock mechanisms, bouncing on toes, toewalking, chewing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(esp pens/pen caps and similar textures), biting, mouthing/lipping things, clacking my teeth lightly, whistling, leg jiggle sometimes, jumping, skipping, hopping, and a few other rly specific things (like involving swimming, or being on something and hanging so im upside down and stuff)

2. happy stims? chewing, biting, skin stroking, finger tapping, skipping, hopping, jumping 3. negative stims? snapping fingers, “hiccuping” (it’s a little giggle/hiccup type thing i do, but idk what to call it), teeth clacking, leg jiggle, exposing too long to extreme cold temps, hitting head against things 4. favourite textures? idk how to explain the soft-smooth i like; silk usually looks like it should feel like this, but it doesn't. also when people talk about “plush velvet” the texture that comes to mind is good, like a really nice stuffed animal or a cavalier king charles spaniel with super soft fur, but real velvet feels bad lol. also just most fur in general, esp rabbit, cat, certain dogs. some wing or chest feathers on birds like doves. milk weed fluff. soft, squishy, fuzzy caterpillars(not the bristly guard hair ones. more like forest tent caterpillars), moon jellies, soft leather/suede, really smooth grey granite, polished shiny pink granite, lambs ear/mullein 5. least favourite textures? some types of linen are VERY BAD but idk what they are, they’re like stiff and scratchy and feel super cold? gummy bears, ew. really hard chocolate in cold ice cream, a lot of faux furs, like so many, most (sheep)wool, scallops, often times chinchilla fur feels bad, most velvet, esp crushed velvet, potato sacks, a lot of plastic bags/thin plastic film 6. what's a pet peeve of urs involving a specific sound? squeaky plastic is the worst, esp from plastic wrap. teeth grinding/bruxing is bad, hearing people having sex in another room/apt, heavy footsteps/stomping, esp when fast like running, door slamming, when people slam their hands on a table because they just thought of something, the sound quality of like...having water in your ears/popped ear drums, where everything feels muffled and almost whispery/far away, but also REALLY LOUD AND CLOSE... 7. a specific sound that makes you Really Happy? al snoring softly like a cat, my cat snoring, cats purring, crackling fires, wind whistling, waves lapping, thunder rumbling, THUNDER CRACKING, wood creaking in a strong wind, that soft snuffling of cat/dog noses, the sound of rodents digging in bedding or eating millet, angel caller bells(bola, fairy callers, whatever you call them) 8. when were you diagnosed (self or professionally)? about 6 years ago what has changed with the diagnosis? i dont hate myself for as much of my behaviours/thinking/speech patterns. im slowly trying to let myself let go of “survival mode” NT behaviours i was forced to learn 9. are there any behaviours you have that, prior to diagnosis, didnt make much sense, but now they do? too many to list lmao 10. what kind of representation would you like to see of autistic ppl in media? girls, trans folks, autistics of colour, just less cis white boy perfect example savants. autistics with “atypical” autistic symptoms. autistics with ugly meltdowns and other unpleasant symptoms. autistics who are messy eaters, who can’t dress themselves, who struggle with everyday tasks and self care. autistics with “useless” special interests that cant be reworked to make them more productive genius types. LOUD autistics.

if ur mentally ill:

11.when were you diagnosed (self or professional)?

6 yrs old or younger

12. what is your diagnosis/are your diagnoses?

BPD, (various types of)depression, DPD/social anxiety(when i’m alone)/agoraphobia, panic disorder NOS, mood disorder NOS, DID, ADD/ADHD-PI, ASD, gender dysphoria at one point, conduct disorder or whatever it was called. IED. all i can think of. all diagnosed professionally over the years, though ASD is not on any official records because i asked it to be left off to avoid that specific abuse/stigma.

13. is the community youve found with other mentally ill ppl helpful?

mostly no. but in some ways, yes. i appreciate having more access to info, hearing relatable stories, common symptoms/experiences that help me understand things better, etc. close friends with illnesses/disorders are nice, but mostly i know them for other reasons outside of diagnoses.

14. do you find it challenging to tell ppl yr mentally ill?

absolutely

15. what are the most effective coping mechanisms youve found?

im not sure. i just...cope? somehow? not always effectively, but idk.

16. have you ever been to therapy?

if yes, what helped and what didnt help?

i hate group therapy. in individual therapy, i like having my husband sit in on the sessions for support. therapist NEEDS to prompt me and ask active and specific questions. setting clear goals with clear steps helps. a lot of more “creative” methods actually are super unhelpful for me.

17. do "find your happy place" exercises help you or no?

sort of? i don’t try them much. usually they make me sadder that im not there.

18. what are some of the most Tiresome Cliches ppl tell you to deal with yr mental illness (i.e., "just do yoga!")?

“everyone gets depressed”, “yoga”, “fresh air, sunlight, and exercise!”, “essential oils”, “meditation”, “_______ diet/supplement”, “mind over matter”, “lose some weight” (THIS DOES NOT MEAN NONE OF THESE CAN BE HELPFUL AND I DO WANT TO DO SOME OF THESE THINGS, BUT STATING THE OBVIOUS ABOUT THIS SHIT AND BEING CONDESCENDING IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING)

19. what books / movies have really helped u?

none in this regard

20. what kind of representation would u like to see of mentally ill ppl in media?

idk. better. sympathetic without condescentding, infantilising, or demonising. sympathetic recovery stories, showing a happy ending, but not some “theyre cured” BS

if ur chronically ill:

21. when were you diagnosed (self or professionally)?

asthma - like 4 yrs old, tendonitis - like 13 yrs old, unspecified pain/inflammation - 2019 professionally (like 2011 ish on my own, but really it started when i was ~13), nocturnal epilepsy - not done with diagnosis process/testing as of july 2019, a few chronic infections that don’t affect me any more were diagnosed when i was a kid, idk

22. do you find the support system with other similarly affected ppl to be helpful?

i’ve not been involved much, tried it out, really

23. what do you struggle w most on a daily basis?

pain/inflammation/stiffness in joints, back, neck, shoulders, feet

24. what helps you most?

i wanna say sleep, but it actually makes everything worse so, new diet(anti inflammation), making goals/plans, spirituality, going to healing places like the woods or by the sea or mountains, massage, soft comforting petting from my husband

25. what do you want to tell able-bodied and neurotypical ppl in regards to chronic illness?

it’s not the same. yeah maybe “everyone has back pain”, but my pain and your pain are different; they happen for different reasons and they affect us in different ways. if everyone is in pain we should do something to make life easier for everyone, not dismiss people who are suffering.

26. how do u keep your strength on a daily basis? i dont

27. if yr family supportive?

mostly yeah?

if not, who do you find the most strength and support in, outside of yourself?

my husband, regardless

28. what kind of representation would you like to see of chronically ill ppl in media?

show me people who find creative, easy, free/cheap ways to be comfortable/improve symptoms. do not fucking cure them to make them happy. let them be happy and comfortable by finding new ways to do things, no by erasing their obstacles.

if u have bpd:

29. when were u diagnosed (self or professionally)?

2014, i think? though it was suggested by a therapist in like 2008 or 2009

30. do you think the support system in the community is helpful?

31. what are some of the ways you keep yrself grounded and remind yrself to Take a Step Back when bad feelings get in the way of rational thinking?

remind myself other people have autonomy, think about how i would feel if someone reacted to things i was doing the way my brain wants to impulsively react to them, talk talk talk, find something else to do as distraction

32. coping skills?

idfk what they are, they’re just there. usually.

33. how do u keep yrself in check when impulsive mood swings come around?

uh, mostly i covered this in 31. gotta reset focus on something else, find distraction that produces different emotions until mood passes

34. what skills do you use to remind yourself that you are loved?

husband. doesnt always work, but mostly.

35. who has been the most supportive of u?

husband.

36. how has your diagnosis changed the way you view yrself and yr interactions w other ppl?

more mindful of others feelings and needs, esp my mum with BPD

37. what kind of representation would you like to see of ppl w bpd in media?

not fucking abusive/manipulative or miserable. let us struggle but have great supports and practice effective coping skills so we can build stronger relationship bonds and enjoy socializing and/or things that are personally important

all ppl:

38. how do you deal w ableism that comes at you from all directions?

laugh about it with my friends i guess?

39. who in your life is the most supportive of u and yr recovery?

husband

40. who are some people on tumblr who have really helped u in yr journey?

well, i met cieran here. alice has been a good influence. there’s a few of you for sure, though maybe not all specifically for these sorts of things.

41. best coping skills?

i dont know

42. most irritating Ableist Cliches ppl use to tell u yr not good enough?

infantilizing me(comparing me to a child), mocking my productivity/commercial success, “daddy issues”, trying to gaslight me into thinking i’ve been abusive because we disagree on something/i pointed out something they dont like

43. best most supportive thing anyone's said to you?

“i want to be like you when i grow up”

44. songs for Happy Times?

counting stars, gooey, just about anything by MIKA, most “meme” songs

45. songs for Not-Happy Times?

a lot of hozier, bastille, of monsters and men, rage against the machine, flobots

46. non-triggering movies that discuss mental illness?

im not sure, i know there are some i love that i could list, but none are coming to mind. not a movie but: moomin and most ghibli media, esp kiki’s delivery service.

#long post #mental health #actuallyautistic #chronic illness #borderline personality disorder #about me #idk #shitborderlinesdo

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spector · 6 years

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I would love to hear more Moon Knight headcannons, I love the man. (I don't have a ton of comics, but like 70% of the ones I own are him. He is my favourite.)

GOD ISNT HE JSUT……….. THE FUCKING……… BEST……………. LIKE…………. I CANNOT EVEN FATHOM HOW A CREATIVELY-BANKRUPT COMPANY SUCH AS MARVEL…. PRODUCED MOON KNIGHT…. LIKE… FUCK I LOVE HIM ….i have already talked about him extensively so i dont even know what new stuff i could come up with but here i go im just gonna fucking RAMBLE because u know what, i love him, i love marcus spectus so much

he’s the only vigilante that has a realistic sleeping schedule. u know how like… daredevil or spiderman can spend the entire night patrolling and then show up for their work at noon or smth…. marc literally wakes up when the moon is up and goes to sleep when it disappears too. part of it might be motivated by khonshu, but part of it is just bc hes a normal fuckin dude and if u go to sleep at like 7am u wont be up before noon, no way. he goes to sleep around 7-8am and wakes up around 5-6pm and dare i say ? very sexy of him

but it makes team ups with him very unreliable.

spider-man: mk do u wanna check out that suspicious warehouse with me during daylight??

marc: *snorts*

marc: wait youre serious

i wont rest until he has a team up with moon girl. moon knight and moon girl, FIGHTING TOGETHER!

its been established that he can see ghosts so i REALLY need to read an issue in which hes somehow roped into like… a ghost adventures-esque reality show

zak bagans-stand in: WHERE ARE YOU GHOSTS!!!!!! DO SOMETHING TO ME!!!!!!!!

matt who is apparently now guest-starring in this issue i just came up with: ghosts arent real

marc: oh no this is a haunted building they just think hes a dick

speaking of, my second favorite thing is marc not knowing shit about christianity/catholicism/whatever and it drives matt crazy sometimes

marc: do you know where i can get that t-shaped necklace u wear around your neck i think its very snazzy

matt: thats– thats a cross

marc: across from where??

i am so HERE for marc making sure to visit most important synagogues in NYC every night bc he knows how prone they are to vandalism. besides most jews in nyc know hes one of them and even if hes too hardcore to most of them, he still means to do good, so they like him. when they spot him around the synagogue and wave at him, he will wave back.

u can always sic marc at nazis too, its gr8. like if he spots sb trying to wipe off nazi grafitti from their store or w/e, he will swoop from the sky, ask for names and minutes later he’s gonna be busting a cellar full of skinheads and beating them senseless

and thats also sexy of him

i am also here for marc having a lot of catatonic days… im sure he cant be out every night, even if khonshu would want him to, he has to have days where he goes thru a combo of schizophrenic catatony and depersonalization where he just. lays in bed and doesnt feel like a person at all, a person would be able to move, a person would be able to think or stare somewhere else, a person would be able to tell how much time has passed etc… :( like he has to have bad days he cannot cope with

HE LIKES ART THERAPY but its not that it really really helps him, its more that. it gives him an opportunity to draw and hes GOOD AT THAT, hes good at art and sketching and it gives him actual enjoyment but nobodys ever encouraged him to be artistic, so he needs to justify with it ‘uhhh its art therapy give me my sketchbook back’. hes an amateur but rly good at drawing, has a distinctive style… think like… egon schiele’s drawings, thats something like marcs style (just less horny)

marc: *looks at captain americas realistic landscape sketches* bitch.

loves burger king. loves the whopp

#Anonymous #god i love slamming my mk-loving fingers on my keyboard and just producing incoherent mess

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serenitizings · 3 years

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Hi can i gwt a reading? Id like to know what advice spirit has for healing. I got out of an abusive relationship that was a year and a half long, he used me to spite his ex gf. I feel numb, I dont cry and im not really sad idk if im just suppresing emotions or im emotionaly over the situation but i need advice on how to heal from this Im starting therapy soon too :( ty in advance

I felt like I needed to show this, so here you go. These are the cards that came out... Ten of Cups, Queen of Cups, Ace of Pentacles and the Queen of Wands in reverse.

To put this in simple terms.. In order for you to become stable in your life as a whole.. success, emotional stability, abundance, etc.. is to believe in yourself. Your self esteem and confidence is at an all time low and it's definitely affecting your mental state. Making you believe that you are not worthy, that you cant achieve anything, that you aren't good enough period. Please don't listen to these thoughts. your mind right now due to the state of the situation.. is clouded like no other. Right now.. I don't think the path is very clear for you at this time, because your thoughts are automatically creating a physical response in your body. Transforming it, manifesting it, into your low self esteem.

Look, I can go on and on about, how you need to heal, and give yourself the love you deserve, because it all starts with yourself. Wanting more, wanting better. Because we're tired of where we've been, that shit does us no good, its not serving us. we're not moving forwards, we're stuck in a pattern, and it's going to continue to manifest with those toxic thoughts you have... But the way to get over it.. is therapy love. Tarot can guide you, give you clarity.. but it will never replace therapy. I suggest doing something creative (creative juices always make us feel good and have a sense of accomplishment) especially if it's something you're passionate about. Google, the Dark Knight of the Soul.. and follow that with Shadow Work. This, plus therapy combined.. will do wonders love.

You're set up for success.. I've never seen 3 cards pop out like that so fast and all at the same time.. Start to love that inner child of yours, nurture it, give it the attention it deserves. And lastly.. connect to the divine.. your team is there waiting for you to reach out. We all love you and are cheering for you.

Free readings are CLOSED.

#mytarot #tarot community #tarot cards #tarot reading #free tarot #free readings #free tarot readings #divination #intuitive #empathy #tarot reader

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mediocracy-at-best · 4 years

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hi this is gonna be a ramble and please dont read this if you dont want to like i totally understand- and this might seem like “poor me” etc etc whatever but imma type this with absolutely no regard for what im typing absolutely no filter etc i just need to get words down so i know wtf is going on in my head this medication has helped so much with my anxiety, but i literally dont fucking care about anything anymore. i used to sing on the daily now i dont care. i used to do my work (or at least some) and now it has been weeks since i turned in an assignment in literally any class. teachers are coming to me and asking whats wrong and why i dont do anything. its not that im lazy im trying i just cant. i cant read the instructions i cant open classroom or powerschool without being reminded how fucking stupid i am and how behind i am and how much i need to read and get done. and then earlier i had a meeting w doctor lady and she was like u dont sleep enough. like ok sis im a teenager but thats not the problem. i cant have this anxiety of not having anything done but i also cant do it. i now have extensions bc of my iep on almost all my classes but i simply for some reason cannot even convince myself to fucking login to classroom. i want to be back in school with forced structure. after classes i sit there and do nothing because i cant go on it or i get sad and scared and worried. all day long my mom is texting me yelling at me, and currently my room is so fucking digusting that my mom cant even step into it without almost having a breakdown. i am surrounded by my own fucking filth and no way to escape it because that involves getting out of bed. i cant get out of bed. why? bc simple tasks literally fill me with lack of motivation and i just end up crashing afterwards. i cant do fucking anything i need help but i cant bring myself to ask for help w school bc then ill be obligated to face classroom and face powerschool and reach out to teachers back who have been watching me progressively get worse and worse each fucking day. i am failing classes that i could be passing with flying colors. i could have fucking high honor roll rn but this is the worst my grades have ever looked in my entire life. there is 3 weeks til the end of the mp and i have a fucking 28 in personal economics. i have a 42 in health. i have a 67 in creative writing simply because i cant fucking log on and do it. i sound so goddamn dramatic but i cant do it. but i also cant let anyone else do it because then it just encourages me to rely on someone else. it overwhelms him bc hes in several AP classes and i am in none yet here i am complaining about my work. its not the work its me. its my issues. its my lack of fucking drive. i know a lot of this is bc its all virtual and lack of schedule is really hard for me, but also this is my last year of public schooling and its already november. the fall play is fucking online and my senior show isnt gonna be the same, if it happens at all. none of my goals from the last 4 years are able to happen and nothing is good. everything sucks. i suck, everything around me sucks, and add on how much i am dissapointing my mom. i cant even tell her why because i have issues opening up to my parents about my problems. my mom insists she has adhd and learning issues but she straight up doesnt and always pulls the “if i can do it you can” “all you do is lay in that fucking bed” etc. i feel like im in a fucking coma. i cant sing. i cant do makeup. i cant do my schoolwork. all i can do is fucking lay here. can things be normal please god can things go back to normal. i want to see people normally. i want my senior show and homecoming and prom and the football games and graduation. i want to go to the stupid fucking christmas parties i go to every single year. i want to trick or treat without a piece of fabric on my face. i want to go see broadway shows bc thats what keeps me going. i want to fucking live again. i want to sit in school and wish i was doing something else. i dont want to overwhelm the people around me. i have no fucking explanation for why i cant do stuff but i fucking cant. i cant do anything that takes brainpower. i cant do anything i might possibly fail at. i feel so trapped. every week i wait for therapy to come around again so i can tell her my latest problem bc i feel like thats all i have. i feel like dylan is tired. my mom is tired. my friends are tired. i am fucking tired too. i am so goddamn fucking tired of this. i cant do this shit girl bye i literally just need to take a shower and try to fall asleep even though the minutes are going by extremely quickly the marking period is ending and i might not even be able to graduate with my class if i dont get it together. goodnight

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chikotos · 7 years

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speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot.

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore.

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

#personal #animal abuse/#self harm/#other stuff probably i guess #nya #its long uhh full disclosure i sjt wanted to feel like i was talkin 2 someone nyall can ignore this

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foursprout-blog · 7 years

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16 Things You Can Do For Self-Care That Don’t Involve Quitting Your Job Or Splurging On Lipstick

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/16-things-you-can-do-for-self-care-that-dont-involve-quitting-your-job-or-splurging-on-lipstick/

16 Things You Can Do For Self-Care That Don’t Involve Quitting Your Job Or Splurging On Lipstick

God & Man

Inspired by Brianna Wiest’s amazing article This Is What ‘Self-Care’ REALLY Means, Because It’s Not All Salt Baths And Chocolate Cake, I decided to pull a list of items together that will actually help you take care of yourself, without focusing on “treating yourself” or acting irresponsibly to avoid difficult situations. Self-care literally means just that: taking care of yourself. It sometimes means doing the basics to make sure you’re the most well-rounded, healthy version of yourself you can be.

1. Take any money you were planning on blowing on something frivolous for the sake of “treating yourself” into an emergency savings account instead. You never know when personal disaster may strike. Having the financial resources readily available to support you in times of personal crisis will make whatever has happened (lost job, natural disaster, medical emergency, etc.) easier to navigate.

2. Learn to meditate. Meditation is hard, that’s for sure, but it’s also totally worth it. The benefits of meditation are well documented and it’s a classic self-care practice performed by many. To help you ease into the process, download an app like Headspace to help you along into your mindfulness journey.

3. Take a shower. Yes, I’m serious. Typically when we’re trying to focus more on self-care, we’re usually also in a place of great personal duress. Any of these sound familiar? Work deadlines are crushing you. Relationship problems are abundant. Depression is all-consuming. All of these scenarios can make taking time for basic self-care such as proper hygiene incredibly difficult to partake in. But just hopping in the shower for five minutes can help you slow down and recenter. And you’ll feel cleaner, too.

4. Turn off social media notifications on your phone. You’ll be shocked to find out how much these apps are actually draining our time, energy, and attention. Not to mention your phone battery and data! As well, research has shown that too much exposure to social media can be detrimental to our mental health. It’s so easy to fall into a comparison trap once you start scrolling through Instagram. Stop. Put the phone down and turn the notifications off. You can retweet Chrissy Teigen later.

5. Put your phone on airplane mode for designated hours of the day. Much like social media notifications, our phone constantly buzzing with texts and calls and emails is draining of our energy, time, and attention. Let people know that between, say, 6 p.m. and 8 p.m., you will be unreachable. You’ll call, text, and email them back after that window.

6. Make exercise a priority. Not only is it good for you physically, exercise is also incredibly good for your mind. Even just 30 minutes of walking a day will improve your overall physical and mental health, you don’t have to get crazy. You just have to get moving.

7. Go. To. The. Doctor. Putting off yearly physicals, eye exams, seeing your gynecologist, etc. is convenient in the moment, sure, but it’s also not very good for you in the long run. Schedule your appointments and make sure you go to them. This is your health we’re talking about.

8. Journal. A little bit of self-reflection each day in the form of journaling is never a bad thing. In fact, there are actual health benefits to writing it all down, such as stress reduction. Journaling can also help you track your mood, see changes in behavior, and shifts in relationships. Having it all documented will help you tackle your problems in a clearer way.

9. If work is a huge stressor in your life, talk to your boss. A lot of times we can alleviate a lot of work stress by delegating tasks and speaking up when we need help. We’re also so afraid of looking “bad” for asking for support, but it’s a lot better to be self-aware and know when you need an extra hand than trying to do it all by yourself.

10. See a therapist. Therapy is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it can very well save your life. And even if you’re not struggling with mental illness or a traumatic life event, therapy can still help improve your life.

11. Force yourself to take breaks at work. Yes, you could work through your lunch and then stay late. But science says otherwise. Research has shown that taking breaks while working is actually more productive in the long run, among a number of other reasons such as boosting your creativity and improving your concentration. Contrary to popular belief, stepping away doesn’t make you lazy, nor does it mean you have a shitty work ethic. It actually means the opposite.

13. Perfect your sleep hygiene routine. Never heard of sleep hygiene? Well, you have now! According to the National Sleep Foundation, “Sleep hygiene is a variety of different practices and habits that are necessary to have good nighttime sleep quality and full daytime alertness.” Some examples of practicing good sleep hygiene include exercise, avoiding substances such as alcohol or caffeine that can negatively impact sleep, going to bed at the same time every night, etc.

14. Cut back on the booze. Sure, Happy Hour is fun. Going out on Friday night is fun. Know what isn’t fun? Hangovers. A $30 Lyft ride home. Saying shit you would never say sober. Drunk guilt when you overthink everything you did the night before. When you’re struggling to take care of yourself, treating yourself to a night out isn’t actually treating yourself. It’s self-sabotage. Say “No thanks” to the beer and stay in and do something that you’ll actually thank yourself for later.

15. Eat right. We always think about what we eat in terms of “looking good,” but eating healthily is actually beneficial for reasons beyond that, such as literal physical health but also our mental health, too.

16. Say “No” when you need to. Listen closely to your mind and body and know when to skip out on social obligations, extra work tasks you really don’t have the bandwidth for, or favors that are extremely inconvenient for you at a given time. Sometimes you need to focus on yourself and get done what you need to get done. In the end, taking care of yourself will actually give you more flexibility in the long term to help others. After all, if you’re drowning, how do you expect to keep someone else afloat?

#Happiness

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foursprouthappiness-blog · 7 years

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16 Things You Can Do For Self-Care That Don’t Involve Quitting Your Job Or Splurging On Lipstick

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/16-things-you-can-do-for-self-care-that-dont-involve-quitting-your-job-or-splurging-on-lipstick/

16 Things You Can Do For Self-Care That Don’t Involve Quitting Your Job Or Splurging On Lipstick

God & Man

#Happiness

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noctomania · 7 years

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kinda helped to remember im not alone

i was talkin to a coworker i was training and we got on the topic of obligated gratitude. She brought up that she is grateful to her parents but that they really negatively impacted her at the same time. And it’s literally what i’ve been ruminating over for years ever since i had been in therapy, and she was with me that it just feels like obligated love and it feels wrong but we’re ashamed to ever say such a thing.

They just don’t seem to understand that it’s very hard to be grateful for an opportunity that 1- i didnt want, 2- had practically made me forget who i am and shattered any shred of confidence by the end, 3- has left me in an inescapable mound of debt that didn’t get me any farther than I would have been without the diploma. I know i’ve gotten a lot from it but all it does it just sit in my mind and torment me now because i have nowhere to apply it. I simply was not ready to make the decision that i did and i have to sit with that but they refuse to sit with my resentment of both my choice and their pushing me. hell they don’t even believe they pushed me.

“if you don’t go now you’re going to end up in a rut”

OH YOU...YOU MEAN...LIKE NOW. Right now. I am in a rut the biggest rut of my life it is bigger than my last rut because it’s approx $30,000 deeper, dude, what rut do you understand what a rut is?

and if i had refused to go you know what my option was? to get a job and a place of my own.

okok lemme extrapolate this ....so...you want me to get a degree so that i can get more money at a better job to afford shit, yeh? but somehow you think i can manage to do that a fresh egg out of high school with like max 1yr exp at any job ever and manage to afford rent utilities etc all on my own are you on crack madam. if it was to “teach me a lesson” then theyre bein pretty fuckin redundant since i had a pretty fair understanding of the expense of rent since my mother had to move all the fuckin time bc rent kept goin up while my dad adn stepmom were fuckin buyin houses like candy i am not as stupid as i fuckin look. And I know they never offered to pay my rent if i didnt want to go to school otherwise i abso would have done that. AND would have worked but at a job I would have been interested in not just a job for a money and then i might have found a path i actually wanted instead of picking one out of the air that “might be able to support me later” which turns out being an art teacher is about as stable as being an artist. at least when youre an artist you at least have a room.

and then the audacity to even mention my friend when trying to guilt me for being honest about my resentment. “Think of your poor friend he was poorer than you dont you feel bad resenting what we pushed you in to bc he doesnt have the same opportunity as you do to obtain tens of thousand of debt” why didnt you just put him through instead you fuckin wankers how dense can you be. Like I would have been OVER the moon. No instead they also push him and he flunks out and ends up with debt he has to pay off too.

they say “You could have gone to a cheaper school...”

ok again this is making the whole point of getting an education like something of a mystery to me. If i am going to be made to go and you are going to support me in going to college and leave my options open to which i go to, im going to pick a place that speaks to me considerin i’d be spendin 4 yrs there. my uni didnt have frats or sororities and seemed to have good stats and at the time i was a hopeful teen with hardly ANY idea of what to expect aside from what little hollywood bullshit i was fed about college and college life. i didnt visit a single college except when my sister visited hers (many of mine were out of state bc i just wanted to be tf away from them at that point to be fucking honest), i was hardly involved in the process of FAFSA bc they were like well just do it for you and you sign. i didnt get any of the scholarships i applied for (plus that was exhausting bc they always want to know about the hardest challenges in your life and im sorry but a college essay is not where i want to exhibit a therapy session) what few there were I could apply for. lgbt ones werent really that common at the time.

you know what WOULD have been helpful? is if i had been given more options considering there were a lot more options. like i didnt understand the whole basic classes vs major classes until i was already in the process of figurin out the classes i would be takin. Like i didnt know i coulda done the basics at like a community school real fast or something. Or even get just an associates to test the waters and kinda meet middle ground with me. like there were SO many more options than “go to 4yr college or move out on your own”. all i got from them is they genuinely have no faith in me to get anything done and well dont ya know wouldnt you see i’m getting nothing done. because where i once had imagination, individuality, creativity, and energy....i now have regrets, resentment, mental instability, and work and debt.

They genuinely don’t understand colleges/universities are businesses, not schools. they literally run like a business model moreso than anything because they have to. what this means is they do everything they can to keep you giving them money. i observed it all when i was an RA. i learned about it all in my half-masters. do you understand how frustrating it is to sit there and have they pretty much tell you to your face we are doing everything in our power to keep in here longer to keep your money coming in longer even if it hurts you in the end.

Ok i feel the blood vessels in my right eye wanting to bust so i gotta stop before i go off on other tangents that are lingering

#im pretty much done protecting their feelings they are grown adults #but im pretty sure now i dont talk to anyone in my family anymore at this point so thats new and interesting #and i feel like so many people are going to just see me as an ungrateful pos but im really im just trying to navigate this fuckery #i woke up about 5 years ago and it was about 6 yrs too late already #my 20s have been exceedingly confusing #oddly they have been more confusing than my years living with an alcoholic chronically sick mother and a sadistically abusive sister #prolly cuz i just lived through that and didnt process until 10yrs later. good times #go to therapy kids like early on #ok tags need to be done bye

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eremiphobic · 7 years

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i ended up writing a whole bunch of shit so its under a cut. cw for graphic nightmares and negative self talk and sexual assault i guess

I feel like all I talk about is my symptomology. It just takes up so much of my mental energy right now, trying to be mindful and identify symptoms and try to figure out what my non-elevated and non-depressed mood is, trying to counter my mood ramping up to keep myself more level so I don’t peak and crash. I spent most of high school in a hypomanic state, crashed into mostly depression, and I think I’ve been mostly mixed state ever since. It just feels so embarrassing? When I’m hypomanic and running around the house and just being hyper and talking really fast. Like I feel like I’m not funny or engaging just annoying and cringey. Fucking cringe culture or whatever has just put a name to a fear, of seeming like a fool or immature or whatever the fuck.

also I flossed my teeth today and now my teeth and gums hurt and it feels like my teeth are gonna fall out which I obviously know they won’t but still. all my dreams are lucid dreams except for the bad ones. I don’t think I ever know I’m dreaming when my teeth are falling out. in the dreams I always know this is something that has either happened to me before or know that I have dreamt about it before and this time is real.

I had a dream the other day that haley and lily and i were in russia. and we were inside a coffee shop and outside the window on the street there were people gathered around and wagon - not a horse wagon but one you pull children in. and in it was a little boy lying face up and from where we were we couldn’t see his face only his body. and this scene is unfolding and we find out, not really see, that there is like a big sphere with two halves that is encasing this boys head, like imagine two halves of a coconut right around this kids head. and there are police men and people trying to remove this from the kid’s head. and eventually they open it or remove it and the kid has no head at all. anyway it was fucked, and i was so sad about it, about this poor kid, and the dream went on and we were like back home going about our lives and i was just so sad about this kid in the street, and upset that me and haley and lily had to witness it and then just go about our lives. and when i woke up i was so relieved that this beheaded kid wasnt real and we didn’t really have to live with seeing it. jesus. i know my teeth have never really all fallen out but i know the feeling so well of them all loose in my mouth and all coming out of my gums that i feel like ive lived it.

I want to aestheticize everything i do. i want to turn everything into art. people talk about bursts of creativity during mania and I normally scoff at that as being a symptom i don’t get to benefit from or whatever but I spent several hours the other day cutting my pants into strips to turn into a weaving. i want to weave a coat of arms, like a flag or banner. i have 2 burgundy 2 light blue 2 black 1 white. but maybe i could bleach them all and dye them however i want.

i have to write and research this group paper but i feel so disassociated, worse than i have in quite a while. and i just can’t stop thinking. not long enough to do anything.

before i got the bipolar diagnosis, a couple years ago i was in group therapy at york and it was pretty shitty because no one ever came and it would be you and 1 or 2 other guys, and it was cancelled all the time and was all in all shit show and just not therapeutically helpful at all, but something good was this guy who was very kind and had pretty intense anxiety related to a knew diagnosis, and he was describing his experiences of trying to get things done and apply to jobs and just generally function and the nitty gritty of what was hard about it, and i was blown away by how much he was describing my exact experience with certain things, which i hadn’t heard anyone done before, and i was adding to what he said, and we were both just so elated to hear it from each other, and eventually he says that ya ADHD is a bitch and that he doesn’t know my particular diagnosis or whatever but yeah that that was his and it was nice to hear someone explain the exact same problems. and i thought like oh shit i had no idea and maybe this does fit me, and have thought a lot about it and thinking i might have undiagnosed attention deficit issues. anyway i just found out that hypomania has symptoms of attention deficit and concentration etc which present much the same way as adhd. so anyway. that’s nice to know.

i miss my family and feel like a shit daughter and shit sister, and shit partner. i know my friends love me. even when i feel like they dont i know im wrong. i wish i could just fucking snap out of it.

all this sexual assault talk is great but so upsetting. but then i feel shit for being upset about it cuz stuff wasn’t super serious that i’ve experienced i guess, even though i know that’s not logical and i know that part of what everyone is saying is that any small story matters. just thinking about how shit ive felt and how scared ive been is just shit.

im trying to write myself out of a spiral not dig into one. i cant re-orrient my brain into the work i need to do. i hoped writing the stuff i couldnt stop thinking about would help but im still cycling and cant stop thinking anyway. so its not working but its still worth while i think. i feel like i need to go to bed because its dark but its not even 7.

i feel like im betraying people when i spend time not working on my obligations or self care because its taking even more time away from spending time with them, the longer it takes me to do stuff.

im going to a work dinner tonight. i hope the people i like are there and not just the people who make me feel small and unwanted there. i think it would be fun to be at dinner with meagan and lakeisha and annie and dave for example. so i hope they’re all there and actually interact with me. cuz the other scenario is the people are all there but dont engage. anyway.

i feel like i cant stop. im so embarrassed. i feel like i could write until i pass out. im going to try to work for 10 minutes. even just 10 minutes so i feel less incompetent. then i can go home. and i think i might write more tonight when im not able to sleep. decreased need for sleep is a hypomania symptom. im lethargic and want to stay in bed in the mornings but when i actually think about it its accurate that im needing to sleep way less/can’t sleep. anyway thats all folks.

#just feeling crazy #when i'm out and its dark it makes me think about being 17 and walking around in the dark #and just feeling fucked up #and taking too much ativan to get fucked up #i dont do that anymore but this weather makes me think about it #but i watered the plants #and cooked and ate

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ellerevelle · 7 years

Text

copy paste journal entry 4

one year later

October 20th, 2016

im jealous

when you seem fine to go to a party, when it comes across that you dont "need" me to go with you,

when i try to find you at a show but you had a fine time on your own regardless of my presence,

that people recognize you

that you make amazing music and are constantly having ideas and writing

and people want to be a part of it like taylor and ida and its a talking point and something to have in common with people

im jealous. that you are confident in your abilities at work, that youve found your creative outlet and feel the desire to work on it all the time, that you know people in this town and people know you. that youre comfortable in your humor and your tastes and how you dress and you know your way around town and know where things are and just...

you seem to have it together and i'm jealous, and taking out that jealousy on you because i'm not there, and im just scared. and i tell you all the time how i feel and... you dont really express as accutely when youre down or blue, you zen it out or just carry on with the casual day. and i'm not really on that level, not yet or maybe i'll never handle things the way you do.

but that doesnt mean its fair that i make you feel like youre never doing enough. i'm setting a christmas list of expectations because... im jealous of you and your "fine"ness. i want you to feel so fine, above fine, that youre able to scoop me up and teach me that all the shit im freaking myself out with isnt real.

but then, youre a human. and maybe you seem fine to me, but inside youve got all the same swirlings of doubt and fear. and now im adding to it by what looks to you as blowing things out of proportion. and from my side youre downplaying.

so what do we do. i wish you'd share more. i feel less lonely if i know youre going through stuff too. but... what if thats not your style? what if you dont like talking about the down stuff because it gives it more fuel in your mind? i feel like that sometimes too. like the more i talk about bad stuff... well, the more im thinking about it and feeling it and its then all i can think about. i understand why you zen things out with music or moto, and where the stress comes in when either of those things arent working out as planned.

i wanted to see you at that show because im worried we dont have a whole lot in common. but when we touch or laugh or smile at each other and bop, we lose pretenses and just enjoy the moment. very present. at least thats how it is for me, and thought for you, so when you were indifferent after the show i felt a bit shattered. i thought i was setting up a great chance to connect, but failed. and had already felt like a failure for not going to that party. for not progressing at barre. for not hearing anything about my resume. for just... not being a real Person in Austin the way youre a real Person.

I'm afraid I'm not interesting enough, not sharp enough with wit or jokes, I dont even have the prowess of cooking to impress you with now that youre doing it solo (which I'm so fucking proud of you btw but definitely kinda miss having that gold star) and I want to still cook together, to feel like its a date and not a chore.

I love that you asked me about my collages for your album cover, and that you vented to me the other day about work. I love to see you confident about moto parts, or at least confident about learning them. but then if ever a glimmer of money or time comes in, doubt soaks its way through, your voice changes into a drained man.

cant sleep in because today needs to be 8 hours to pay for the recording session, that barely 12 hours ago was a great thing! but now its a chore? fuck, man.

I dont want to be another chore. I want you to see me ... as a cleansing of the chore. or someone to work things through with. or even do literal chores with.

I've lost my train of thought intention ...

and i think back to when you talked to me about struggling with depression when you were younger

and you seem to have compartmentalized it so much. i talk about my shit all the time, how it strings together and lingers sometimes. echoes. old bruises.. that sort of thing.

but you allude to having attempted suicide before, which is huge... and to therapy, did you even tell me you went to a rehab thing? and yet like... it doesnt come up. which i respect, but... i duno. i want to know more. even your divorce, you never ever talk about it. about the past. you hardly talk about the past and thats ALL thats on my mind these days in my own world.

is it to cope?

we're such different people, I fear.

I am so very proud of my past, shit and all. I hate it but I wear it and all the emotions that come along very boldly and probably too obviously. at least until I can figure them out better.

i just lost the most reassuring presence in my life. even when it was bullshit grandiose lies, shed reassure me. "ill never be as pretty as so and so" "you hush youre the most beautiful girl in the world"

even though she and i lost our relationship over time, that way, i still wasnt ready to lose that soother. that teacher. that support.

ive always looked for reassuring people. teachers bosses, even the nod of someone flirting with me was (in my dilluded mind) reassurance i was doing something right.

so when youre confident. when YOU have plans. when YOU have vision, and I dont... I want to see myself in your voice. I want to hear you want me there. I dont assume it. I assume that youre fine either way. which in reality i know you are. but ... i can think im special til the cows come home, but im still alone. but if YOU think im special... If i matter to your day... if confident YOU sees something in ME. then i remember to see something in ME. its just the right momentum to get me out away from the devil on my shoulder telling me im worthless.

now that sounds codependent. fuck.

i just... why do i feel alone even when were together? because you sit there doing life any old way, with me or without. makes no difference. do i have to get used to that?

i guess just... i want a bold force. bolder than myself. i want a leader. someone whos strength reminds me of my own. reminds me to have fun with this life.

and a lot of the time i just feel like you need to be single.

not to be with other women, but just to be with yourself. to stretch your limbs and be a man of this world and do your projects and just... be. without another person around.

because i need you. and i dont really think you like it. when im complaining or saying you did this wrong or that not enough or why didnt you this that this that... its because i need you and ... yea. whatever you were thinking or not thinking, wasnt enough. or was wrong. in my book.

my anxiety makes things you think are irrational completely and utterly real to me. normal life things, every day things that every one goes through and deals with become gigantic make-or-break moments. i cant deny that a lot of that is due to the recent trauma of mom's addiction, various times i had the choice to call 911 and didnt... literal make or break things that i fucked up. and also with moving away from philly. leaving thigns that seemed blah, but now that im away i wonder if ive severed ties that i cant return to. if ill ever be relevant anywhere, enough so to matter, to make a difference or impact. choices that seem black and white but spill into giant oceans of grey and chess pieces scatter... so when you ask me how my day is, i cant really answer with the truth that i was so crippled by feeling like an idiot imposter that i gave up on trying to park my car at a fucking coffee shop and drove away crying thinking that the patrons outside were watching me fail in my big clunky car and laughing at me. and that i cried harder thinking about the fact that i dreaded going back to my apartment empty handed, having wasted time and effort and just... failed at trying to do ANYTHING with my day.

so i keep quiet and when something goes iffy between us, like the show last night, or like... us hanging out and you roll over and dont touch me or say anything when you go to sleep at all... i assume youre mad at me. or i act cold until you ask me whats wrong and express my insecurities in the shape of "YOU did this wrong, why didnt YOU do that, etc" when really i just...

wish things were different. i wish i was different, i wish you knew how to fit the bill i need.

and im afraid the more i say, the more i struggle with myself, the less you'll like me. that motorcycle thing, target fixation.

you see whats wrong with me, and then i TALK EVEN MORE about what i think is wrong with me... then you probably see that too. when i know youve got your own personal stuff happening and im sure i dont fit the bill you perfectly need either.

you want the carefree traveling girl you met.

well... i stopped traveling for you. im worried both dont exist simultaneously.

who knows.

i feel less mature than you. but i also think youre more stubborn than me. youre patient but in different ways. we're both conceded but in different ways.

i wonder, if given the chance, if we'd hate each other in a different dimension. a parallel world.

and in another, if we'd ever EVER even meet or notice each other.

you stood out to me, and still do, because of how you care for me. and accepted me from the start as a person and not a sexy girl or a commodity or a person to know to get ahead or any of the barbary popularity contest crap brainwashed me to believe.

i admire your drive and your shine and how you can fix things and learn things and are sweet and goofy and care about your mom and just...

i wish we'd met a different way.

i wish i hadnt been drinking.

i wish i'd seen you on stage first. or working somewhere. or out doing an activity.

i wish i'd had to try to impress you. i wish it was more of a chase to get to know you. to vie for your time.

i dont know why. i just... i think i like to rise to the occasion. i want to see who i can be when trying to impress you. because often, i impress myself. and am proud of myself. and THAT shows.

That showed when we met. i was proud of myself because i love traveling alone.

but now im here, and i feel aimless and im not proud of myself... and i dont quite know what to show you.

when we talked about Carrie... i was SO proud of myself for finding a cool theme point to talk about. it felt like college again. like i had found a point that impressed my professor. i felt smart. like i'd scored a three point shot.

i know that led to our sex being so good. at least in my mind.

i miss that fucking FIRE. and i know its something i have to find in myself. but im kindof afraid when i do... someone else will have helped me get there. and i worry that thats what i want. i want a teacher. i NEED to be stimulated. i NEED someone to notice when i dont show up to class. To feel a gap in the debate when i'm not there to chime in. to hear a difference in the choir without me.

so when youre fine. when you dont think twice about me not going to the party. or when youre not really phased when we dont link up at a show i specifically asked you to come to.

it really really bothers me. it makes me want to keep that power from you, the power i feel when i AM proud of myself.

i believe we give the best of our selves to people we feel deserve it. and i hate that this has become a tit for tat of deserving. when youre weird or lame or quiet, i dont want to have sex with you. but i know sex for you triggers a sense of connection and you treat me better and are happier to see me and be affection with me after we have sex, because that assures you i desire you and thats validating and boosts you, so youre happier and then youre nice. and then i feed off that and im nice and we're fine.

but when you suck, i dont want to sleep with you.

and often, if i dont sleep with you, you think i suck.

chicken or the egg.

we've talked about this but i think we're still chasing our tails.

i think we both have depression, i think i talk about it too much and i think you talk about it too little.

i think we both need a hobby that requires physical activity, and/or one that involves doing it together.

i thought cooking could be that, but... i duno. it'll ebb and flow.

group scenarios.

i want to matter to you.

i dont do a whole lot without you. and sometimes i fear that if i do, youre gonna feel left out. oooor that itll come back and bite me, like if i prioritize hanging out with staci or nelson or michelle and dont hang out with you or invite you, itll be crappy later on.

which is unrealistic to think about if we're gonna make this last. of COURSE were gonna have other friends.

ah, my brain just twisted down the other long term thing.

it really bothers me that you dont have the father gene.

its a huge warm fuzzy puppy when a man is good with kids. expresses posi vibes about children, even about being a teacher or a coach or paling around. its a vibe, either there or its not. and with you, i think youve clearly stated kids arent in the cards for you. and that appears to me like a literal wall of sharp, shiny obsidian black. dark like your eyes when youre angry or disappointed in me. i do not like that darkness. same way theres a dreaded tone you get in your voice sometimes. that tone, and the black eyes, i fear them because i lose you. you drift away, cut away, either back to someone i didnt know before we met, someone you were before, past life that is still there like an id, or someone thats there all along and just doesnt come out into the light often, but is there under that curly dark hair. im not sure which i fear more.

even now, so many pieces are swimming around. longing, disappointment, wishing youd be more, wishing i needed less, wishing i could see you purely without "need", worrying im not enough for you, worrying im not seeing your depression, wishing youd talk to me more, wondering if youre mad, wondering if youre sad, if youre stewing, if you want to leave me. that im too stubborn, that ive hurt you before and am now still on you about all this shit.

i havent been a good girlfriend. ive emotionally cheated and had shitty untrustworthy conversations and here i am still complaining that youre not doing it right.

which is freaky. because youre clearly an awesome motherfucker and have put up with a lot when, if the tides were turned, i probably wouldve left.

but why have i done these things. why did i cry out for attention in those ways, and STILL if i dont get the attention i need from you, i cry out to you. get on your shit about it. im not satisfied. i think my actions have made that clear.

but what do i do.

every time i hear something outside i wonder if youre here.

but why would you come here, why would you come to me if youre mad.

i wonder if youre at your place feeling in the right and thinking im in the wrong. thinking of reasons to leave me.

i know i need to be more humble and learn, and mature. but what if these instincts and urges to complain are telling us we're not right for each other.

itd suck. but what if? or what if its just that we're young and its supposed to be hard and we've gotta stick it out?

how the fuck are we supposed to know the answers to these things? im not interested in looking for another you :( no ones known me like you.

sometimes you make me feel like im not smart enough or deep enough for you. like youve accepted me but i havent accepted you.

i have a lot to learn. this needs to be picked back up upon another time.

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