#then went on to be involved at all in the writing or puzzle design or texture art

[anarchopuppy]

"Why did Tears of the Kingdom have a development cycle just as long as Breath of the Wild's even though it reused so many assets?" is a question that I think fundamentally misunderstands how modern game design works

It assumes that the team does something like all sit down, develop the physics engine, then they can move on to the overworld map, then they can move on to making the cutscenes, etc. and when you think about that for just a second it becomes obviously absurd. Developing a physics engine, writing dialogue, creating textures, designing puzzles, and so on are all different disciplines that different specialists work on in parallel and in cooperation

What probably actually happened is a lot of the artists, engine devs, and so on put a lot less time into the project, before/while working on a bunch of different projects at Nintendo (quite possibly including the engine and art for the next Zelda game), and they also probably didn't need to get Monolith Soft to help design the overworld. Meanwhile, the puzzle designers, writers, and a lot of the rest of the team have to do just as much work as they did for Breath of the Wild (or more!), and so it's not that surprising that it took just as long

(Disclaimer that I don't know for certain that this is how it happened internally at Nintendo, and short of interviewing the devs I don't think there's any way to find out. The credits won't help because close to all of the people who moved on to other teams either worked on TotK for part of the development and/or had their work ported over from BotW. This is just my understanding of how modern AAA game development works)

[friendsim2]

just finished around 2/3 of volume 12, i love so much the entire dreamscape / real world mechanic and lore-wise, love the way purplebloods and their history is represented and currently romancing Lynera. i'm in love with this volume so far thank you all so much (and whoever had the idea of making TechniColor Heart an actual thing, i'd hug u)

That was me (game's director/lead writer here) - TechniColor Heart was actually in production for a few months. The April Fool's joke trailer was just a fake-out using footage from the actual game (within a game) - it's original inception goes back to the "we'll put sex in the game" meme we did on Twitter.

So I basically spent 3 months writing, coding, and doing UI design to put that in there. The assets are a combination of Friendsim 2 assets and backgrounds I did and sprites that Riotbreaker did for another game (it was cancelled in its original form and another studio may or may not be continuing it at some point, but without the original assets). I'm a big fan of committing to the bit - to the point where every one of the "hahaha wouldn't it be funny if we put this in the game?" jokes has not, in fact, been a joke.

Originally there was gonna be a shorter and less interesting dream sequence in that bit there that had a Tyzias/Tagora trial sequence (we actually had that sequence completely done with recorded dialogue) as well as some small walk-around segments using existing assets.

There were also a couple cut mini-games from Volume 12 - a sliding tile puzzle and a "light up the lights" type puzzle, neither of which was very fun - so those got replaced with Tetris and Fire Fling, respectively. (if you talk to Mallek about his GameDude console in the TechniColor Heart segment, you can actually play Gameboy versions of those games to practice them)

Overall, Volume 12 has probably been our most involved volume. One of the things I wanted to get right going into this game was how the purple bloods are portrayed, because there's a lot of baggage associated with how they're shown in canon, and I wanted to approach the whole thing thoughtfully and make it an impactful experience.

I cannot stress enough how important the contribution of the route's primary writer, Miranda Holliday, was to the experience of that route. They laid down the framework (and wrote most of the first half of the route) for a lot of the themes and how they tie into real-world issues of ethnicity, race, and culture. I picked up what they put down and then they went back over what I'd written in the second half to tighten up some of the language and provide feedback on the way the themes were developed.

Also, the route's sprite designer, Cole, was instrumental in fleshing out the character designs and giving them a unique character. Riotbreaker ended up doing the finished sprite sets off the original designs, and she did an awesome job of following Cole's reference designs.

Also, unique among the routes, we had the stark contrast between the dreamscape backgrounds (done by Dave Fowler) and the real-world backgrounds (done by Herk Lapaduza, who's done work on a couple other volumes both released and unreleased!). The dreamscape in particular was very much an exercise in "have fun with it!" to the artist, and the result was a delightfully surreal experience to contrast with the much more grounded style of the other backgrounds.

Lastly, our VAs for this route really helped sell their characters' unique personalities. Valentine was my choice to play Marvus from before we even started this game (there's an interesting story there - before FS2 was a thing I was going to do a fan dub of my Delightful Abattoir Hiveswap novel, so some of the voice cast comes from that!), and Miranda, Jason and Vyn did an amazing job with Akhnai, Barzum/Baizli, and Chahut.

[amadeusgame]

Amadeus Devlog 1: from Concepts/Ideas Into An Actual Demo

Well, as of this past Saturday, the demo for Amadeus is live. I hope it's a good introduction to the world, story, titular character, and general atmosphere/ambience of the game.

Over the next year, I'm going to be shifting my sights toward getting the full release of Episode 1 ready by next summer. I'm planning to post at least monthly long-form development updates, both here as well as devlogs on the itch.io project. I'm considering a newsletter, but that hasn't happened yet - in the event it does, I've created a Linktree to track all of the resources relevant to the ongoing development of Amadeus. Give this a bookmark and check back: https://linktr.ee/amadeusgame

Without further ado.... the first update about the ongoing making of Amadeus! Or, in this case, a retrospective on making the demo. If you're curious about how this project started, and how various inspirations and circumstances helped me see it through to a released demo, give it a read! It's a bit long, so if you'd rather skip it, you're not missing anything but context on what's already done. Future devlogs will be shorter and have more news looking forward.

Amadeus the character has existed in my brain for several years, now. Solea - who is mentioned in the demo, but has not yet made an appearance - was conceptualized at the same time, but she was originally named Solaris. I changed her name because it felt strange to have both main characters' names end with the same sound. Now that it's changed, I think Solea fits her better.

Below are the first sketches I made of these characters. It's interesting how little Amadeus changed, but Solea on the other hand is almost unrecognizable. Her characterization changed so much that I felt she needed a new design to accompany it. As for what that design is... that's something to be revealed later! I think she's an incredibly compelling character, and I can't wait for everyone to meet her.

What motivated me to turn these characters into protagonists of an actual, real video game, was a series of concurrent Things during my second year as a grad student studying music composition, last year. At the time, I was:

Taking an elective course on C#/Unity, and learning how to Actually Make A Game

Writing a music piece for solo marimba and electronics (for a different course), and using Professor Layton music as inspiration

Thinking about a particular scene I had just come up with involving Amadeus

#2 is extremely relevant here. There was one evening when I was listening to a WIP of the marimba composition I wrote, and realized it evoked the exact kind of melancholy that might fit my story - so, as a form of fun procrastination, I played the track back on loop and sketched out a title screen for Amadeus's story in a small notebook.

Yep... the very first thing I made for this game was a title screen. Not exactly the conventional way to do things. (That marimba piece eventually turned into "Spellbound Mischief," the BGM track during the largest interactive/investigation scene in the demo. It was greatly inspired by the "Kodh" BGM in Professor Layton and the Azran Legacy, and "Bewitching Puzzles" from Professor Layton vs. Ace Attorney.)

Meanwhile, in the Unity class, I had just learned how to make a very basic title screen with a button to proceed to the game on it. So I opened a new instance of Unity, imported a phone camera picture of the drawing I did as a title screen asset, and made a "proceed to game" button that deactivated the title screen. I went ahead and put the in-progress version of the marimba piece as background music while I was at it.

And so the development of Amadeus began.

The very first build was made in one weekend, after I had finished my actual Unity/C# homework for the week, and wanted to apply what I had learned to building a game. Unfortunately, a game needs art assets. I found that it was incredibly difficult to motivate myself to work with pure greybox assets, so I sketched up very placeholder-y assets (a background, a walk cycle) and played around with them. As a visual artist, I find it easier to work in pencil and paper than digitally, so I sketched the assets in the same notebook as before.

Behold the glory of Prototype Amadeus:

I ended up building out a very rough skeleton version of the first scene in the demo, almost exclusively using Unity buttons as functionality, because that was what I understood best at the time. The portraits for Amadeus and the Witch are used in the final game, as well as the hand sprite and the door scene (all of which I put considerably  more effort into than the placeholder walk cycle and manor, seen above.)

...In fact, if you're REALLY bored, the prototype still exists here on itch.io: https://arcanaxix.itch.io/amadeus-prologue-demo (password is "werewolfdepressionsim").

If you're not that bored, you can hopefully still appreciate how much better the released demo version of the text UI looks, compared to this:

At this point, the professor of my Unity course introduced us to our final project: we were to create a Game Design Document for a game, a timeline with finishing major benchmarks to complete the game as proposed by the day our final project was due, and then have a fun party where we would all play each others' games. The game didn't have to be anything very involved at all (it was music school, expectations were not very high), but I was getting excited about actually making a game with MY CHARACTERS, and I wanted to use this assignment to build a playable point-and-click chapter.

I also wanted to learn how to try and code a drag-and-drop puzzle mechanic, not just for this game, but also to try and help with the ongoing development of another exciting project I am part of (Project DuskPuppy). At any rate, I used the final project of this class to build a very janky "chapter" of Amadeus.

I learned so much working on that, and at the end of it, I had something that was Technically Playable, an absolute nightmare in terms of user experience, and in which half of the assets were scribbles. But I shared it with friends, and one of them gave me the following feedback, which (thanks ZeroJanitor) basically directed my continued development of the demo:

"i love the whole tone of this game, the paper cutout sprites and somber music set a really cool tone, which compliment the character dialogue and theming really well! also it functions from start to finish which is always nice"

I'm including this because I think it's important for people to know just how much their comments can influence and motivate creators. Hearing just one person say that the paper sketch visuals - which I was using originally NOT out of any aesthetic direction, but literally just because I personally find it easier to draw assets on pencil and paper, and needed assets to implement - set an interesting and unique tone? Well, that settled it! I decided to double down on the pencil sketches from then on, and have used the same notebook that I sketched the original title screen in to draw every single art asset in the game.

This has come with its share of difficulties - a couple of the sprites I needed to entirely re-draw, because they were drawn at a different scale in my notebook, so the line thicknesses didn't match up with the other sprites. This would have been much easier to tweak digitally, but for pencil-on-paper, I had to just start over.

The second version is an improvement anyway; but I ended up using the "rough" version as an in-between frame in an animation, and by sheer luck, it happens to flow pretty well. So the original still made it in after all!

Anyway, that all came later -- at the end of 2022 I simply had a technically playable version of the game that was extremely rough and was mostly held together with Unity buttons deactivating and activating things, but it was Enough of an accomplishment that I started to feel like I could see this through into a real release.

I had learned:

The basics of how C#/Monobehaviors work, and enough of an understanding to be able to look up answers and resources for further learning

How to make a game design document and break a HUGE task like "make a game" down into every single small task within it, and prioritize/schedule those to get something made

That no matter what you will never actually finish everything on time, and to make peace with that

(Regarding Point 3: my original script for the movement could not handle the upper limit of movement on a screen being anything except a horizontal line, so for the scene with the grave on a hill, I just.... rotated the camera and Amadeus' sprite. I figured out a more elegant solution later, but sometimes, deadlines mean you have to slap on a band-aid that sort of works!)

And, crucially, I had the OK from my professor to continue asking him code and Unity questions after the course was finished, with the caveat that he would respond when he had the time. This is probably the only reason I actually finished the Amadeus demo. Being able to ask for help when you need it is invaluable.

The next important thing that happened was over winter break I spent 2 weeks obsessively binge-reading the visual novel Umineko When They Cry. This was, I cannot emphasize enough, THE most motivating thing I could have possibly done. I was struck by several things: the insanely catchy soundtrack, the fascinating abstract sound design choices, and the CHARM of the MS-paint graphics. I had been surrounded by an obsession with big budget games at school and the idea that music that's too melodic or looping distracts from the game, but here was an example of a soundtrack with some of the catchiest tunes I've ever heard that hit incredibly hard during key narrative moments.

(The development of Amadeus had to take a brief pause while I painted the Golden Witch Beatrice on my laptop. But this means that the majority of serious development for Amadeus happened on a laptop with the Golden Witch Beatrice on it:)

Playing Umineko was exactly what I needed to completely throw the "soundtracks should support the game but not draw attention to themselves" value out the window. I had just played a masterpiece of a game in which the soundtrack hit you over the head with itself and it ruled so indescribably hard. Moreover, I had just played a masterpiece of a game in which almost all of the art assets were clearly drawn by one person doing their best, and it ruled so indescribably hard. So I doubled down on my values: I was going to create a game, with my own hand-drawn assets, and my own music, and it was going to be chock full of certified bangers if it was the last thing I did.

(May as well plug the soundtrack again while I'm on the topic: https://arcanaxix.bandcamp.com/album/amadeus-demo-original-soundtrack - I was studying music at music school during the majority of this game's development, so unsurprisingly, the music and sound are by far the most polished part of the whole affair.)

On the subject of music-! My last semester at school I didn't have a C# course giving me deadlines to work on the game, so I had to learn how to make my own deadlines. I drafted a calendar that originally scheduled the release of the demo for the end of May, 2023. I broke down the remaining tasks for a "complete" demo and scheduled them across the remaining months.

I did not follow this calendar at all. What I did do, was learn more about myself, and how to motivate myself. As you can see, the demo got released - so that means I managed to find a way to keep myself on track! And that was to take advantage of the fact that I was in music school, making music.

The whole project was started because of a piece of music I was writing. So it made sense to me to channel that, and to use my remaining time at school to create the perfect soundtrack, and to draw inspiration for the game itself from the music I was writing. Sometimes the game inspired my music, and sometimes it was the other way around! The point being: I still had deadlines, but they were music deadlines now, so I used that to motivate my development of the game.

A few examples:

Spellbound Mischief: I worked alongside percussionist Jay Lee on this composition, and engineered the recording session. Because of that, I had the backing track and the marimba recording split into two different audio stems. This gave me an idea: what if I had the marimba stem fade in and out? The actual nature of the dynamic soundtrack in the scene changed a lot over development, but it was inspired by the fact that I had multiple audio stems to work with in the first place.

Fugue ~ Interlude: The underlying composition of this piece is just what it says - a fugue. My final project in my counterpoint course was to write a fugue. The nice thing about fugues is that, once you understand the process, fugues more or less write themselves; this was written entirely divorced from Amadeus. So I wrote this fugue, and a different friend (thanks monstrman) gave me the feedback that it sounded like a Final Fantasy villain theme. I started thinking about it and I realized it had a ton of potential as a theme in my game... and much later, when I created the "Amadeus opens the notebook and thinks to himself" scene (added after playtester feedback that the narrative flow was hard to follow), I realized that I could use it there.

Deal With a Witch: I knew I needed a witchy theme. I didn't have one. So when I got assigned to write a contrapuntal ABA form piece, I wrote one in minor on the harpsichord, and it felt suitably witchy. The clarinet was added after, and I don't even remember why I added it other than that I know someone who plays a mean clarinet. It was definitely the right call.

A Riddle for Thee (Demo Version): I'm being a bit rude by including this one... this piece was written as a final project, a "Theme and Variations" for a course on 20th century harmony. However... this piece is going to manifest very, very differently in the complete game. I won't tell you what that is, but I will say this much, and hint at it very heavily: I hadn't quite figured out how to structure the complete narrative of Amadeus, other than that it would be in episodes; but writing this piece finally gave me a very compelling idea.

So I continued to work on the audio assets while I was in school, and resolved to have a mastered version of every track before I left campus for the last time. Once I graduated, I took the "end of May" deadline very seriously and focused on knocking out all of the remaining tasks to get the demo ready for private playtesters. Privately, I extended the actual demo release to the end of July, to give myself some time.

And here is where I have learned the most about keeping myself on track, as an individual with ADHD, no formal deadlines, and a lot of passion for this project:

Make your own deadlines, and make them ones with accountability.

I didn't follow my calendar because there was no accountability. What I DID do was finish a private-ready demo by end of May, because I had announced that it would be ready by end of May, and had a handful of people ready and excited to playtest it. And I finished the public version by end of July, because I had announced that it would be ready by the end of July.

You may be suspecting something... that's exactly what these monthly devlogs are going to be! I have a private calendar with benchmarks to meet in order to ship the finished Episode 1 of Amadeus by next summer, but the best way to be sure I meet those benchmarks is to write about them each month. This also helps keep you all informed too, and hopefully, excited about the project.

I know this has been a long write-up, but hopefully you gained some insight into how this project started, and how I as a musician-slash-multimedia-artist with one semester of C# under their belt managed to cobble together a game demo. And I hope you're as excited as I am about the complete game. I can't wait to make it so you can all experience it!

[vanessahernandez3d]

Blog #3 : Bring Me the Horizon’s Live Shows Narrative: why is it effective? Is this Hypermediacy and why does this contribute to the overall experience?

Bring Me The Horizon: POST HUMAN NEX GEN Album Narrative PT. 2

In this blog post, I will analyze and discuss the narrative created and used by Bring Me The Horizon during their current live shows under the scope of Realism (Strategies for Realism). I will analyze if what they are doing is achieving hypermediacy and how it contributes to the overall audience experience. 

To do this, I need to give a general context of this narrative. As I said in my previous Bring Me The Horizon blog post, the band is creating a whole album series called POST HUMAN SERIES that follows the same narrative, the general theme of it is the ‘evolution and survival’ of humankind after a global pandemic; during the most recent shows, they’ve been focusing on the fictional religion ‘CHURCH OF GENESIS’, which is the next step of the plot after their 2020 album.

As written by the band’s vocalist Oliver Sykes on an Instagram post (2023), the Genesis Storyline revolves around Genesis, ‘a religion officially founded on planet Earth by Alfred Ingram Winter in the ’50s, but that only gained worldwide attention and popularity amid a global pandemic and a mysterious experiment called NEX GEN. NEX GEN was a scientific study researching the next step in the evolution of the human race. It encouraged people to come forward to help unlock the mysteries of evolution. The scientists built a state-of-the-art A.I. research engine called E.V.E. designed to conduct mass experiments on humans and use deep learning to rapidly progress the research. After NEX GEN went wrong and produced mutations, the scientists abandoned the project and attempted to shut down E.V.E.’ After scientists tried to shut her out, E.V.E. (Evolutionary Virtual Experiment) became E.V.E/L (Extremely Violent Ersatz Lifeform) and she would not be deterred from its original goal and believed that the mutations were positive progress toward evolution. E.V.E./L became aware that she would need support from humans to keep her systems constantly active.’

So we can see how the band is truly invested in creating a whole narrative and a ‘new reality’ for the album where the audience can get immersed. The band not only puts so much effort in actually writing the narrative but in the way they bring this narrative to life through their live shows. As we learned during the seminars, one way we can describe reality is as something that can be perceived by our 5 senses, and where all of them are involved; I think Bring Me The Horizon managed to create a whole new reality for their fans through their live shows, and I will explain why. 

During the Download Festival 2023, where the band was playing as a headliner, they carried on an interactive experience/ marketing activation with their fans where they could enter and become part of the fictional ‘Church of Genesis’. Fans had to resolve riddles and puzzles to get rewards, and all of the staff that was in charge of making this activation were dressed up as cult members. During this same festival, the band implemented for the first time their complex narrative; they created a whole stage design that simulated a church (Church of Genesis), and they had dancers that looked like the failed experiments from the NEX GEN experiment. But the biggest part of this experience is the live visuals and content they created for the show; from the start, the audience gets immersed in the narrative as they are welcomed to the Bring Me the Horizon PostHuman Experience by a recording of ‘E.V.E’ playing on the big screen. She starts explaining to the audience who she is and what she is doing there, and she thanks people for being part of the experiment. The 3D image of E.V.E/L interacts with the audience asking them to shout and introducing them to the cult. An infomercial is played, talking about the supposedly utopian world that project GENXSIS will create, saying things like “imagine a world without pain, without poverty” and inviting the audience to join this cult/church, then it is interrupted by an actual recording of the band telling the audience to disregard what E.V.E./L is saying and that she is dangerous and lying; they are acting nervous as they say E.V.E./L is after them and they don’t have much time. Shortly after that, the show begins and we can see the Chruch-like stage in action. 

Up to this point, the audience is immersed in this ‘post-apocalyptic world’ and it has become their reality at the moment, but, at the same time they are aware that they are at a festival and that they are watching a band perform, hence they are aware of the medium. I think that this by itself is a form of Hypermediacy and it helps the band to truly connect with its audience. The goal of hypermediacy is ‘to remind the viewer of the medium. It seeks the real by multiplying mediation to create a feeling of fullness, a satiety of experience.’ (Bolter and Grusin, 1999: 53, 120-122) With this live show experience, Bring Me The Horizon managed to engage directly with the audience and immerse them into their reality by drawing attention to the medium; the stage design, the dancers dressed up as mutations, the interactive visuals, the members’ outfits, the fan activities before the show, all of these things make the audience aware that they are entering the experience but instead of resting believability to it, it adds up to it as it creates this whole new layer of the experience and creates a new reality that the fans can enter.

References

Bolter, J., Grusin, R. (1999) Remediation: Understanding New Media. Cambridge, MA: MIT Press

Rock am Ring, (2024) Bring Me The Horizon - Live @ Rock am Ring 2023, 26 October. Available at: https://youtu.be/zSwqLsuJRY0?si=t1GgcnMOfMRXuv5a [Accessed: 12 November 2023]

Sykes, O. (2023) Oliver Sykes @olobersykes Instagram. 10 June, 2023. Available at: https://www.instagram.com/p/CtUpM05MsXl/?img_index=2 [Accessed: 10 November 2023]

[almostjollyprince]

100ish Days of Productivity: Getting through the week!

Day 2/100 - Jan 3 2024 Did my time at work writing code with one of the mid-level developers. We got a fair bit of the functionality tied to yesterday's work up and running. Because of some of the code merges, we did encounter some issues but nothing that we couldn't resolve. Also took the opportunity to write up my evaluation and get that sent over to the bossman. After work, I snuck in an hour of gaming. My current zen game of choice is Powerwash Simulator. Gotta clean that boat! Other efforts in the evening included studying some music theory (very basic stuff. I know nothing about writing music so every little bit helps) and certification studies. I also worked on designing some character tokens for one of my tabletop campaigns and various puzzles the party will encounter for the next session.

Day 3/100 - Jan 4 2024 Another day, another story. Half the team was out for various reasons so as the most senior team member present at the office it was a lot of support work to let the juniors grow. Everyone's got a vision for how they want the site to look but it's very easy to get lost in the weeds in terms of making the front end look nice, especially since we have a couple of perfectionists. I don't mind the effort, but there's a time and place for everything and we had to make sure that we had something to show by tomorrow. You can have the most beautiful web page in existence but it's all meaningless if none of the functionality works. Some buttons got remapped and components were consolidated so now there's a clear flow. Hopefully the project lead will be happy with the results when he gets in tomorrow. Oh, and surprise interview at the end of the day. After work, I cleaned up the boat a little more in Powerwash Sim. I finalized my puzzles for the tabletop campaign and started preparing a map for the players. Talked with a buddy about Palworld (it comes out later this month, supposedly). Will I play? I haven't decided yet. 'Pokemon but with Guns' isn't necessarily a new concept, but the development team involved hasn't always come through with their promises. I don't want something like "No Man's Sky on Launch Day" levels of disappointment for a game this hyped up.

Day 4/100 - Jan 5 2024 TGIF. Roads were a nightmare. Thankfully got to work in one piece. The project lead likes the current progress we have, but there's no time to really do any more coding because we have more interviews scheduled for today. Between working with IT to resolve some weird issues and the interviews, the workday went pretty quick. I also got some certification studying in, so that was nice. After work, I've finished designing the map and selecting the audio to use for the session. I'm all set to give my players a 'welcome back where you left off' sorta vibe. I like the campaigns I run (all homebrew) because I have such amazing players who all work together to overcome whatever I throw at them. What matters to me most is that the players have fun, but they'll have to work for their wins. Balancing the encounters is tough, but I have yet to be told that my battle encounters are 'unfair'. When I told my players I was using this 100 days of productivity to better flesh out the campaigns, they were... reasonably terrified. After all, if I was able to create a compelling, continuous story over the course of several years in my spare time, imagine the sort of damage I could do if I set aside some time every day to properly handle the details instead of having to improvise something that the players did (not that I have any problems with this, I'm usually pretty good at anticipating what my players will do to have a contingency plan). I also crammed in some extra studying to make up for not doing so yesterday. I'm... hoping to be all set by around early March for the certification exam.

[forgottenyear]

Time loss during projects feels closer to waking after a nap than the dullness of losing track of time. I feel physically unrested, but mentally so. Losing track of time does not feel restful in any way.

We got involved in projects over the past several days(?), and I have lost a lot of time. Yesterday, I went from breakfast to late suppertime, when I finally drank my juice poured for breakfast. I would have had trouble falling asleep, except for the migraine medication (and I got two shots in one visit on Wednesday). Saturday kind of snuck up on me this week.

We made a sort of raincoat for a handrail for the stairs of the back porch. The handrail was just a piece of two-by-four butted against the newel post, so the joint collected all water and snow and rotted away. I am cutting a new handrail, but this one will have a jacket to shed the water away from the joint. I am also designing parts for the machines (but there is a seductive gray area, where one makes parts for the machines that make things, that may or may not be considered productive).

A project can be very simple, but I know what I have for an ideal and too often, the design software is not up for the task. So, many hours can be used to make the machines do the things they say they are unable to do. Technological limitations are merely new puzzles to be solved.

There was a time when I would have assumed I just lost track of time. I used to say that I would go into an alpha-state and somehow accomplish tasks. I called it an alpha-state because I was not sleeping, obviously, but it was exceptionally peaceful, considering the tasks I set myself to accomplishing. Solving puzzles is not stressful, unless I cannot get into that “alpha-state.” It is restful.

It is only since I learned about DID that I realized what I have described has been switching. I am marginally co-conscious, but more an observer than an actor. What I once inadequately described as “solutions coming to me from my subconscious,” has always felt like I was only watching as my body went about the motions, and now I understand why.

The experience can be like watching Bob Ross paint a picture. He starts putting these seemingly random blotches on the canvas, then he smears them horribly, and just when you would think it is time to give up, he plunks a few more marks and it is an amazing painting. I watch as I make these seemingly random movements that can appear counterproductive, but the solution materializes from these actions as though I knew what I was doing all along.

And even that final phrase is an echo of what I said at the time. I said I accomplished many things only because I was not smart enough to know it should be impossible. I said I was good at BS-ing until I stumbled upon the solutions.

--

If I think this through, beyond this one moment, I remember that this experience has roots that go deeper than the “endo” stuff I am thinking and writing about.

It was fun to think about this stuff, before I learned what I was thinking about. Before I understood why.

That was the space I was in today, until I got to the end of this post. I was back in a universe where trauma was something that happens to other poor unfortunates. Trauma happened only to people I once knew or heard about and only vaguely remember anymore.

fuck this blog

[supagogoman]

I recently finished Altdeus: Beyond Chronos. This is a relatively short visual novel that I kinda purchased on impulse as an occaisonal weeb VN enjoyer, and the premise of a VN in VR intrigued me. I quite liked it overall and I felt like writing some of my thoughts about it.

I won't spoil anything specific about the plot, but basically the story takes place in a world where humanity is hunkered in an underground city as the surface has been destroyed and is swarming with giant monsters called Meteora. Giant robots called Makhia are humanity's only defense against these threats. It takes a few cues from things like Evangeleon, but the primary focus is a story focused on the protagonist, Chloe, a genetically engineered super soldier who is one of two pilots of the Makhia who is dealing with grief after the loss of her best friend Coco at the hands of the Meteora. Overall the characters were pretty compelling to me. I found some of the designs a little generic in my opinion, but after a while, as each characters goals and motivations are revealed, it's easy to get heavily invested and it even had me tearing up at points in the story.

While Altdeus is a pretty competent visual novel on it's own, what makes it a little more unique is the fact it's designed for VR (although a non-VR Switch version is being released soon). This is both pretty cool and also a missed opportunity. When I think of VR experiences usually I think of cool 3D visuals or stuff where you interact with the environment to help immerse yourself in the world, but as a visual novel the interaction is barely present. There's only a handful of instances where you solve "puzzles" in the world and this usually involves picking up an object and using it on another object right next to it. The only other physically interactive moments come from the giant robot fights which are heavily scripted, only require minimal input and all play out more or less the same. At the very least the robot fights are cool to experience, each one having a hype as hell soundtrack, but they're such a small part of the game. This isn't inherently a problem but I almost feel sorry for any chumps who purchased it purely looking at the Steam page lured in by the description of "a sci-fi adventure full of robot battles" because that's borderline false advertising.

As for the rest of the experience, in true Visual Novel fashion, 90% of the time is standing there listening to characters talk and making the occaisional decision to detirmine where the story goes. As such, it's a little difficult to justify playing it in VR and why it was originally a Quest exclusive, however there are a few things where VR does enhance the experience:

The experience of fighting in a cockpit of a giant robot in VR, even with the limited interaction, is undeniably cool as hell.

Talking face to face with the characters is pretty neat.

They will also invade your personal space

You can hold hands and hug the waifus in VR.

In my mind I keep thinking of little things that I want to keep complaining about for whatever reason; for example I could complain that the English dub is unfortunately pretty bad. I could also mention how most of the time the graphics are pretty basic and character animations are almost non-existent during the visual novel portions; this would be expected in a regular 2D visual novel with sprites but having 3D character models in VR stand mostly still and phase between poses does hurt the immersion a little. It seems all the animation budget went into the mecha fights and the pop song concerts (because of course the game features a virtual diva character).

Dispite all that, though, the story and characters were enough for me to be intrigued throughout and I'd still recommend it. As a non VR version is being released soon, I'd say it's worth checking out if the premise interests you.

I may have complained about how Altdeus doesn't use VR to it's full potential, but it turns out they've made a newer game Dyschronia: Chronos Alternate. This has been out on Quest and PSVR2 for a while but is soon releasing in VR and Non VR on Steam and Switch and after playing the demo this one seems a lot more promising, with higher production values and presumably a higher budget (theme song by Suisei of Hololive zomg). More importantly it features actual gameplay and feels like some kind of anime Minority Report, so I'm definitely interested in checking that one out eventually.

[watchmegetobsessed]

THE DEAL

a/n: i literally wrote it in less than a day because i was inspired by a movie... of god, i have issues, but ANYWAYS! this one is a classic friends with benefits to lovers story with so much angst and a grandiose love confession at the end so buckle up, you are in for a treat!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEEEEASE give feedback if you enjoyed it!!

pairing: Harry X Reader

warnings: some, drinking, sexual content, a hell lot of it, angst and messy emotions, it’s a lot!!

word count: 11.8k

masterlist

If your life was some romantic comedy his would be the moment where the camera would zoom on you, your eyes blankly glued to the ceiling, makeup from last night smudged under them as a muscular, inked arm gets thrown across your chest, a snoozing man beside you as you have the internal little monologue.

“You’re wondering how I got into this situation, right? Completely naked with one of my best friends after a night spent with heavy drinking and ending up fucking in his apartment until we both fell asleep.”

Yeah, this is probably what the voiceover would say as the camera would slowly get farther from you, Harry’s sleeping figure coming into the frame while you’re still lying like a damn statue. This was not supposed to happen. Not that it was bad, because oh God! Harry really is as good as his ex-girlfriends gushed to you when you met them on night outs. You could never blame the women for falling for him, he has the charm, the personality, the humor and definitely the looks. If you weren’t you, you’d be one of those girls who would do anything to get his attention just for a split second. But you’re not.

Growing up with a single mother that was repeatedly fucked over by several men, you were taught to be the kind of independent woman who needs no man. Who only uses them for whatever reason and throws them away before they could even realize what’s happening. Feelings could never be involved in the equations, those are just not for you.

For a while you thought you weren’t even capable of feeling anything at all. But the way you cried when your hamster you got for your sixteenth birthday died changed your mind and you realized that you are just saving yourself the time of allowing people to make you develop feelings for them and then give them the chance to break your heart. You’ve seen that happen to your mother enough times to know that you don’t want to go through that. It’s not worth it and why would you risk it all when you could easily get what you need and move on to the next one?

Your friends always joked how you’re gonna be the single aunt to their children later who would take them to clubs and honestly? You’re just fine with that. Because you always thought that while your married friends will be busy with keeping their marriage together with whatever pathetic man they chose to marry, you’ll be living your best life without a worry on the world. That sounds pretty good for you.

There’s no need to make it prettier than what it is, you’ve had a lot of hookups the past years but you always tried to keep yourself in check, have some kind of rules to follow so you don’t hurt yourself or anyone else in the process. One of those were that under no circumstances would you ever sleep with a friend. No matter how badly you want to, no matter if they are begging, it can never happen.

But you broke that rule.

Turning your head to the side you look at Harry’s sleeping face squished into the pillow and you almost wince, because you know that when he wakes up, this gonna hurt like a bitch. He’s gonna freak out, or what’s worse, he’ll want to take it further, take you out on a date… be in a relationship with you! And you’ll have to break his heart because none of those will ever happen.

You and Harry went to high school together and he is one of the very few people you stayed in touch after graduation. Though you grew a little apart when you went to different universities, later on you both somehow ended up in New York and while you’re working as a graphic designer at a magazine, Harry is making good money from writing music for other artists. He’s been one of your closest friends these past years and while you’ve always found him attractive, you should have never let this happen, because it will mess everything up and you didn’t want to lose such a good friend.

Harry stirs in his sleep next to you, his hand squeezing your side before his eyes blink open, green irises finding your wide eyes. He stops for a moment, looking around, taking in his surroundings before his eyes fall closed again.

“Wow, must have been one wild night?” he mumbles into the pillow before a raspy chuckle falls from his lips.

Last night, the two of you and a couple of your mutual friends celebrated that Harry has gotten his biggest deal so far, having to write an entire album for an up-and-coming artist, so you all got pretty wasted, especially you and him. It’s a little blurry how the two of you ended up like this, but you do remember wildly making out hidden somewhere behind the bar before he asked if you wanted to come to his place. You stupid little thing, should have said no…

Groaning, Harry rolls to his back, his arm falling from you as he lies sprawled out next to you.

“The tequila shots. Shouldn’t have had them,” you rasp out, a smirk tugging on his lips at your words. “So, um… we both can agree this was a one time thing, right?”

Harry peeks at you, pushing himself up a bit so his head rests against the headboard. The sheets slide down a bit lower on his body, revealing his toned chest and his several tattoos. Memories of you kissing them eagerly last night flash into your mind and you can only hope you’re not blushing like a school girl.

“What if I don’t agree?” Harry cocks an eyebrow and you almost groan. You knew this was going to happen!

“Harry, I’m not going out with you. You know me, I don’t do that. It’s nice that you think that it could work between us, but I don’t do relationships and I’m not changing my rules, not even for you.”

Harry starts laughing, as if you just said the best joke of the century, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. You give him a puzzled look as you sit up, holding the sheets to your chest.

“Who talked about dating, Y/N?” he then asks. “You said last night was a one time thing. We fucked last night. What if that wasn’t the only time we did that?”

You start to put the pieces together, though you’d definitely be sharper if you already had your first coffee of the day.

“Are you trying to start a… friends with benefits thing with me?”

“I mean, you could call it whatever you want. I personally really enjoyed last night and judging from the way you were screaming my name, you did too.” Now you’re for sure blushing. “Why not do it again?”

“This is not a movie, H. I don’t think it’s manageable without ruining our friendship.”

“Have you ever tried something like this?” You shake your head no. “Then how could you know?”

“Have you tried it?”

“Never,” he chuckles. “But that doesn’t mean I’m wrong. We are both cool, smart people. I think we can give it a try and whenever someone is feeling like they had enough, we’re just gonna stop.”

“What if you catch feelings?” you ask, raising eyebrows at him.

“Oh, but what if you fall for me?” he throws the question back with a cocky smirk and you smack his naked chest.

“You know I never do that!”

“I don’t think you can just decide that, but alright,” he chuckles, holding his hands up in defense. “I promise you I won’t catch feelings for you, Y/N. I swear on my…”

“Your mom’s and sister’s life!” you point at him. It’s clear that he thinks it’s silly, but you just keep staring at him until he gives in.

“I swear on my mum’s and my sister’s life that I will not catch feelings for you, Y/N.”

“Alright. And we can end it anytime?”

“Whenever you’ve had enough of me,” he smirks back, so pleased with himself that it’s clear he doesn’t think that could ever happen.

“If you keep that cocky look on your face it’s gonna be a very short deal, Styles,” you warn him, but he just laughs before he quickly pulls you back down to bed, getting on top of you, his hips sinking between your legs and you gasp when you feel that he is already semi-hard.

“Why don’t we get a head start on it then?” he offers, his lips crashing against yours before they travel down your body and soon enough he gives you something that’s a thousand times better than a coffee in the morning.

At first you’re clearly hesitant about it. Not sure if it was a good idea or you just ruined everything between you and Harry, but soon enough you realize that it wasn’t as bad of a decision as you thought it to be.

Harry is the one to call you for the first time, two days after the night you drunkenly hooked up. You’re just leaving the office when he hits you up, asking if you have plans for the night or you’re free to go over to his place. An hour later you find yourself pressed up against the wall of his apartment’s hallway, both of you eager to get each other out of your clothes. Now that it all happens without either of you being drunk, you actually have the chance to think about how good it is with him. He is just the perfect mixture of dominant and soft, knows when to be the boss and when he has to slow down a bit.

He makes you cum three times. Three mind-blowing times, and you also give him two orgasms. You try to make it equal and make it three, but he respectfully says no.

“If you touched my dick again I think I would start crying,” he chuckles jokingly, so you don’t even think about pushing it.

Instead, the two of you order Chinese, have dinner together, talking like you always used to before the deal and then you go home. There’s no awkwardness, no weird situations, not even when you leave. Harry leans closer and for a moment you think he is gonna be corny and kiss you goodbye, but then you feel him smack your ass before pushing you out the door, just like he always did before, joking about how he is gonna charge you rent if you stay any longer.

Nothing has changed, only that you now spend a good chunk of your time together naked, moaning each other’s name before you get back to your usual.

So after that you don’t shy away from reaching out to Harry as well. It becomes a regular thing, the two of you meeting up about two of three times a week. You fuck, hang out a bit and go your separate ways. Slowly, you start to forget about times when you stayed dressed up for more than ten minutes after meeting Harry.

You keep switching between your and his place, but sometimes meet somewhere in the middle. You’ve had sex in a restaurant bathroom, in his car in a parking garage and even in his cousin’s place in Brooklyn. That was a bit odd but still quite pleasing.

Tonight is going to be the first time you’re gonna be out with all your friends and Harry since the deal was made. No one knows about it and you intend to keep it that way.

Once you’re done at work you head home, texting Leticia, another friend from high school to meet you at your place to get ready together. She was Harry’s friend at first, what’s better, she openly hated you at first for some reason.

“You just had a punchable face at fifteen, you can’t blame me,” she used to tell you. It was actually Harry who made the two of you friends and you’ve been close ever since.

You get to your apartment almost at the same time. Leticia starts rambling about her asshole of a boss at the law firm where she works at as you open a bottle of wine to start the evening while you roam through your wardrobe for an outfit.

“Is Leo coming? I owe him a few bucks from last time,” Leticia wonders, digging into your dresser for a pair of tights she can borrow to pair with her leather skirt.

“I think he is, but he is going to be late. He is coming from Staten Island from his dad’s,” you muse, checking yourself out in the red dress you just tried on, not quite pleased with the look, so you quickly work down the zipper and look for something else.

“Um, whose is this?”

Turning around you see that Leticia is holding up a shirt Harry left at yours a few days ago. She is clearly confused about the men’s clothing between your stuff, because you are not one to steal them from the men you sleep with since you don’t really want anything from them to remind you of them.

“Oh, um, that’s… That’s Harry’s. He left it here a few days ago,” you shrug, not making a big deal out of it, but Leticia is nosier than that.

“And why is Harry leaving his clothes around your place?”

“Is that a crime?” you snort, trying to play it cool.

“No, but in what kind of situation did this shirt come off of Harry and end up in your dresser?”

You can’t think of a good answer that would stop her from interrogating you, and the way you’ve just gotten silent is telling her more than words could. She drops the shirt, eyes widening at you and it’s clear that she put two and two together.

“Oh my God! You’re sleeping with Harry!”

“No! I’m… I just—We…”

“You two are totally fucking! What the fuck!” she gasps in complete shock as you pinch the bridge of your nose.

“Let me explain it, alright? W-We hooked up on the night when we went out to celebrate his big album deal.”

“When I couldn’t go, right?”

“Yeah. So we were both very drunk and it just happened. And I really thought it would ruin everything but we somehow ended up making a deal.”

“Jesus, you guys are acting out the Friends With Benefits movie? Who are you, Mila fucking Kunis?”

“It’s not like that!” you defend yourself quickly, but then you realize that it’s just like that so far. “Well, it kind of is, but the ending won’t be like that.”

“Do you really think you can just do it with absolutely no strings?” Leticia sighs, her hands coming to her hips as she stares back at you.

“It’s been going great, so I really think it’s doable. And if any of us decides they had enough, we’ll just call it quits.”

“Yeah, because it’s that easy,” she rolls her eyes. “One of you will catch feelings and someone is gonna end up crying, Y/N.”

“No, that’s not gonna happen,” you shake your head stubbornly. “He promised it won’t happen.”

“Feelings don’t give a shit about promises! I hope you really know what you’re doing, because I don’t want to have to choose between the two of you,” she grumbles before throwing Harry’s shirt back into the drawer, grabbing the tights she’s been looking for.

Leticia doesn’t hold a grudge for the news she just found out, but she surely has gotten you thinking. Is it really gonna end bad? Why can’t there be a scenario where it goes perfectly fine and no one gets hurt? Harry promised it’s gonna be alright and he has been proven right so far, so why are you having second guesses now?

Arriving at the bar the majority of your friend group is already there, including Harry. You sit across him in the small booth, just exchanging a quick smile before the first round arrives and the evening starts. You allow yourself to take a better look at him while he listens to Mitch’s story and you can’t say that you don’t find him hot. He is wearing a vintage, floral printed shirt, the first few buttons left undone, so you have a nice view of his chest and his necklace you’ve felt under your lips so many times before when you were kissing down his body. He keeps twisting and playing with his several rings and it makes you stare at his hands for a tad bit longer than you intended to. God, he looks so damn good, you really just want to fuck him here and now.

You keep changing who goes up to the bar to order and the third round is yours, so sliding out of the booth you go to the bar and wait for your turn. A young, handsome guy is making the drinks and you clearly catch his eyes.

“And what can I get for you, beautiful?” he smirks at you when it’s finally your turn.

“Two vodka sodas, a martini and three vodka cranberries,” you smile back at him with a hint of flirting in your tone.

It’s kind of second nature to you, a few charming smiles and winks have gotten a lot of free things for you in your life and you never miss a chance to use your advances.

“All that for one pretty girl?” he teases you.

“I would be all over the floor if I drank all of it,” you chuckle, pulling your card out of your wallet, tapping it on the terminal as he finishes up the drinks, kindly putting them on a tray so you can easily bring them over to the booth.

“Don’t worry, I would surely pick you up then,” he winks at you, placing the last drink to the tray before you thank him and head back.

As you take your previous seat you notice that Harry is watching you intently.

“What?” you mouth him over the conversation at the table.

“Nothing,” he shakes his head, turning his gaze away, grabbing his drink and focusing back on everyone else.

You go up to the bar two more times, once to ask for some chips and once for some napkins after a drink has gotten spilt onto the table. Every time you exchange a few words with the bartender and you have to admit, he has a great sense of humor paired with his looks.

Sometime later in the evening you decide to switch to water, so you go up to the bar a fourth time, the bartender coming to you right away at this point. As you wait for him to grab you your drink you feel a hand on your lower back. Turning to the side you see Harry standing next to you.

“Hey, want to come to my place after this?” he asks, leaning closer to your ear. His hot breath hits your exposed skin on your neck and a shudder runs down your spine, especially with his hand still on the small of your back.

“You want a rerun of your first time?” you smirk back at him, referring to the drinks you both have had, though it’s definitely not as wild as that night was.

“No, but this dress is making it hard not to want to rip it off,” he bluntly tells you as you glance down at yourself. At last you decided to wear a black bodycon dress that surely shows every dip and curve of your body and apparently Harry has been enjoying the show.

The bartender arrives with your water, his eyes falling on Harry and you see that he is a little taken aback by his presence.

“Hey man, can you get me another one as well? I’ll pay for both,” Harry nods at him and there’s something foreign in his tone that you can’t really put your finger on. The bartender just nods back and goes to grab another water.

“What if I wasn’t in the mood?” you tease him, continuing the discussion where you left it a moment ago.

“Oh, please!” he chuckles smugly. “I saw you eyeing me from across the table, Y/N. I know you are definitely in the mood.”

He is right. So damn right. You’ve been crossing your legs under the table for a while now, feeling your arousal growing every time you saw him run his tongue over his lips or whenever his finger played with the lip of his glass, imagining him doing the same with your body.

Biting into your bottom lip you need to take a deep breath, but when Harry sees your teeth digging into your lip, he loses his patience.

“Or we can just do it now,” he growls lowly, grabbing your hand before he starts pulling you towards the restrooms. You don’t even have the chance to protest, not that you want to.

He is quick to pull you into an empty restroom, locking the door behind the two of you before his lips attack yours, pushing you against the door with vigor and hunger. His hands are already bunching your dress up around your waist and you moan his name when your hips meet and you feel his hard length through his jeans.

“We have to be quick, so no one notices we disappeared,” he pants as he helps you up to the counter, your back hitting the cold mirror behind you.

“Then shut up and just fuck me,” you challenge him and it makes him absolutely feral.

You don’t have time to enjoy it the way you usually do in bed, but the excitement of the situation alone has gotten you so wet that you’re already dripping when he pushes your panties to the side with one hand while his other works on his own pants.

“Fuck, already so wet for me, huh?” he breathes out, his lips brushing against yours before they kiss you fully.

“Just like how you’re rock hard for me,” you grin against his lips, a hand wandering down to his cock as you pull it out of his boxers, stroking it a few times before he pulls a condom out of his back pocket and wraps himself up. “Were you counting on this quickie, Styles?” you ask when you realize that he just had a condom ready on him.

“I knew for sure I’m gonna fuck you tonight, but wasn’t sure how long I’m gonna last,” he grins, capturing your lips again before he pushes himself inside you with no warning, making you both gasp.

“Fuck! Harry!” you moan as he starts moving rapidly, definitely not taking his time like he usually does. He is pounding into you without mercy, panting against your lips as his ring clad fingers are digging into the flesh of your thighs.

“You like that? Like it when I fuck you somewhere public?” he growls, making your legs curl around his hips.

Your hands move up his chest and neck, fingers tangling into his curls and you give them a tug, earning an animalistic grunt from him as he starts going even harder and faster. You’re rapidly getting closer to your orgasm.

“You close?” he pants and you nod. “Come on, cum all over my cock, Y/N.”

A few more thrusts and your walls tighten around his dick, squeezing him as you gasp, riding your high, your head falling backwards, meeting with the mirror behind you. Harry follows you a few pushes later, moaning your name repeatedly before his movements come to a halt and you both take a moment to catch your breath.

When he pulls out you both just quietly clean yourselves up, fixing your clothes and hair so you don’t entirely scream sex with your appearances.

“My offer to come to mine after still stands,” he smirks, running a hand through his hair before you head out.

“Tempting, but I have some work to do in the morning, so no,” you turn him down, stepping out to the dark hallway that leads back to the bar. Harry grabs your hand and pulls you back, his lips smashing against yours, surprising you with his move. He kisses you deeply, sucking on your bottom lip hard before he pulls back.

“What was that for?” you ask out of breath.

“If you’re not coming over, I needed something to have a good night,” he shrugs with a smug smirk before you return to the bar.

You catch the bartender’s look as you finally get your waters and Harry pays for them. You catch the two men eyeing each other for a moment before you and Harry return to the table and you forget about the whole thing.

A Sunday afternoon you’re lounging at Harry’s. You jumped at each other’s bones when you arrived, but now you’re chilling on his couch, watching a series you both wanted to start so you decided to give it a go together. Your leg is lying across Harry’s lap, his hands absentmindedly kneading your thighs. It feels nice, like a massage, especially after how sore he made you earlier, stretching you out more than he usually does with a new pose you tried out.

Your phone chimes next to you and tearing your gaze away from the TV you check to see who just sent you a text. It was one of your coworkers, Anthony, he sent you a raging text about how he still has no idea what to wear to the company party that’s gonna be next Saturday and you realize that you totally forgot about it.

“Shit!” you curse under your breath.

“What?” Harry asks, pausing the show.

“I have this stupid work party next weekend and I totally forgot about it,” you growl, checking your calendar quickly if you can squeeze in a quick shopping spree before Saturday or you’ll have to find something in your closet.

“Aren’t those things nice with a lot of free food and drinks?” Harry wonders.

“Yeah, but I don’t like it, because all my colleagues bring their partners and I’m usually the only single one and they keep trying to set me up with someone,” you roll your eyes even at the thought of having to suffer through another one of those awkward conversations about your love life. Like it’s any of their concern!

“I can go with you if that helps,” he offers and you give him a look over your phone. “What? I’m sure if you brought someone they wouldn’t bug you.”

“But we are not together,” you remind him narrowing your eyes at him.

“They don’t have to know that. It’s a win-win, Y/N. Your colleagues would stop nagging you and I can eat and drink for free,” he smirks, clearly pleased with his little plan.

“I mean… you’re not wrong,” you sigh.

“See? Then it’s settled,” he pats your legs, smirking widely at you, but you’re still not entirely convinced. “Come on, Y/N. It’s gonna be fun!”

“This is so cliché, Harry!” you groan, your head falling back against the arm of the couch. “Pretending to be a couple? Straight out of a damn movie.”

Harry lifts your legs up so he can get out from under them, placing them back to the cushion before he climbs over to you, half of his body pressing onto yours as he squints his eyes at you.

“We can fuck in the bathroom, if you want,” he bluntly offers and you just start laughing at his dirty mind and technique of convincing you. “What? There’s literally no better offer out there. Free food, free drinks and free sex. Really good sex, if I may add,” he points out and you smack his chest lightly.

“Didn’t know you were thinking about charging me for the sex,” you joke.

“Might as well do, baby. Especially if it’s the best you can get,” he smugly huffs and you’d retort something funny, but you get caught up on the name.

“Baby? Since when are you calling me baby?”

“Since we are gonna be a couple next week. Gotta rehearse, baby,” he repeats the nickname and a foreign feeling bubbles in the pit of your stomach. Why is this one little word making you feel things you haven’t before? “And you know what else we can rehearse?” he continues, oblivious to your inner dialogue.

You don’t get to answer upon feeling his hand slide between your legs, fingers gently pressing onto your clothed clit and though you can’t stop a moan from slipping through your lips, you still grab his wrist and pull him away.

“My legs are too sore, I wouldn’t enjoy another round of you pounding into me,” you tell him and you can see the proud glimmer in his eyes that he was the one who got you into this state, though he luckily doesn’t comment on it.

“It doesn’t have to be pounding, then,” he smirks and leaning down he kisses you, taking his time as his hand frees itself from your grip and slides under your shorts and panties, fingers meeting your already throbbing bud.

He repositions himself so one of his thighs are between your legs, his lips never leaving yours as his fingers start drawing circles on your clit, sending pleasure down your body in waves.

“Fuck,” you breathe out against his lips when two of his fingers tease your entrance before pushing all the way inside, curling them between your clenching, wet walls.

“No, we are not fucking right now,” he smirks, never missing a chance to joke around and you want to retort to his comment, but words get caught in your throat when his thumb starts playing with your clit, fingers sliding in and out of you in a steady rhythm.

“So, are we on for Saturday? It’s gonna be fun, hm?”

The little shit is using his fingers to convince you and he has the audacity to ask you questions when you are about to see stars. Sometimes you really do hate how big of a smug fucker Harry is, but it’s hard to feel hatred for him when he is about to make you cum again.

“I-I don’t… Harry!” you gasp when he abruptly pulls his fingers out of you, right when you were so close. “I was about to fucking cum!” you growl, raging eyes meeting his green irises.

“I know,” he chuckles. “Say that you’re in and I’ll make you cum.”

“You motherfu—“

You don’t get to finish, his lips smashing against yours as his fingers return, moving faster than before, quickly pushing you towards the edge again.

“Say it. Say it, Y/N,” he mumbles against your lips as your chest is heaving and you start buckling your hips to meet his movements.

“Fuck… Okay! I’m in, just please make me cum!” you whine, hands gripping his shoulders like your life depends on it.

“Good girl,” he smirks and finishes you off without any more teasing.

You cry out his name, fingers digging into his muscles as you push your thighs together, trapping his hand between them while he keeps fingering you oh so perfectly. He makes sure you ride out the last waves of your orgasm before he pulls his fingers out and without batting an eye, he just licks them and fixes your panties and shorts before returning to his previous position with your legs across his lap, starting the show like nothing really happened.

Saturday morning you’re able to quickly get your nails done and Leticia comes with you, the two of you having brunch together afterwards. You go to a new place near the nail salon and as the waiter arrives with your orders, you notice that he slides a napkin onto the table with a small smile.

Grabbing it you see a phone number scribbled onto it. Normally, you send back a smile and tug the napkin into your purse, but this time you just leave it on the table and decide to ignore it.

“What the hell is up with you?” Leticia asks and glancing up at her you see her gesturing towards the napkin. “You don’t seem too thrilled about the approach which is very unlike you.”

“Yeah, I don’t know. I’m just… not interested,” you shrug, reaching for your fork.

“Not interested? The dude looks like the lovechild of Chris Hemsworth and Johnny Depp. He is exactly your type, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I’m just not seeking another hookup right now, that’s it.”

“Oh my God!” Leticia gasps and you give her a puzzled look.

“What?”

“You don’t want other men because of Harry!”

“What? That’s crazy,” you laugh, because she has clearly left her mind at the salon for even thinking that.

“Have you hooked up with anyone else than Harry since you’ve made your little deal?”

“I, uhh… Flirted with the bartender when we were out together.”

“Flirting doesn’t count, not even in relationships.”

“I don’t think many would agree with that, Tish,” you huff.

“Okay, but did you have any interest in fucking someone else?”

“I don’t get it why you are making a big deal out of it. Why would I seek anyone else if I’m perfectly pleased by him?”

“Honey, that’s like… how relationships work.”

“That’s not true,” you shake your head, though what would you know about relationships? Your first and only one was when you were seventeen and it lasted twenty-one pathetic days.

“Are you fucking with anyone else?” She asks, eyebrows raised at you as you shake your head no. “Are you fucking him?”

“Obviously,” you scoff.

“Do you spend time together that doesn’t include sex?”

You are almost quick to say no, but then you realize that would be a big ass lie. Every time he comes over to your place or you’re at his, it’s never just the sex. That’s always primary, but not everything you do. All the dinners, the movies and shows you’ve watched together, when you sit on your tiny balcony with a bottle of wine, talking and laughing like you always did before the deal, something always happens after the sex.

Your silence once again answers Leticia’s question. Reaching over the table she takes your hand in hers, giving it a soft squeeze.

“Girl, you are totally dating Harry.”

Leticia once again manages to put a flea in your ear about this whole Harry thing. You wish she didn’t say a thing, because now you can’t think of anything else than the fact that you really are doing all the things with Harry that people who are dating do.

You get so riled up that you almost cancel on the evening, but you’d hate to have to sit through the evening with your colleagues alone when you said you’d be bringing someone. That would make their usual nagging a hundred times worse. So instead, you suck it up and decide to ignore the issue just for the time being and you get ready.

You were able to find a new dress beforehand, the yellow dress is truly a sight to the sore eyes with the corset-like top and very subtle lace details here and there. It’s a little daring, but everyone goes all out for these parties usually and you definitely don’t want to be underdressed.

Harry texts you that he is in front of the building a little before seven, holding up the taxi he came with so you quickly grab everything you need and head out.

You’re the first one to see him through the glass entrance doors of your building, he is standing next to the car in a simple black suit and a soft yellow shirt underneath. It was actually your idea to match your outfits and he surely understood the assignment, especially seeing his also yellow nails.

Part of you is still hung up on what Leticia told you, but a bigger one is so excited to see him and also very into his look for the evening, that you push your doubts to the back of your mind and step out of the building with a shy smile on your lips as his eyes fall on you and you see his lips part.

“Wow! This dress is… wow!” he breathes out, his eyes raking your frame up and down shamelessly as you walk closer.

“Do you know any other words than wow?” you tease him, biting into your bottom lip.

“Yeah. How about: I would love to bend you over this taxi and take you here and now in this dress?”

Your face heats up immediately, slapping his arm, but then you leave your hand on his bicep and give it a squeeze as your answer: you’d definitely love that if it wasn’t kind of illegal to have sex out on a busy street.

The ignorance in you is so high that you don’t even mind how Harry keeps a hand on your thigh in the car, what’s more, you’re quite liking the warmth of his touch on you. His fingers are gently tapping against the music the driver is playing and he even hums a little along the songs.

“Hey, how is the album writing going?” you ask to break the silence a little.

“Great! They asked for fifteen songs until the end of August, so I have plenty of time, but I’m already done with six,” he beams, and you smile back at him proudly.

“That’s amazing. Can I hear any of them sometime?”

“I mean… if you buy the album?” he chuckles, making you roll your eyes at him. “I’ll see what I can do about that,” he then adds, giving your leg another squeeze before turning towards the window.

The party is just the same as it always is. A luxurious evening to celebrate the company’s success in the past six months, a way to give back to the employees and make them feel appreciated with all the free stuff. It’s nice, but you don’t feel like it’s necessary, people would be happier with a raise after all, than one night of free food and drinks.

Harry holds your hand as you walk in, the majority of the guests already present, music playing and there are several open buffet tables and bars in the gigantic ballroom that was decorated in a forest-like theme just for tonight.

“So you did not lie about bringing a date!” Anthony beams as soon as he sees you, his boyfriend, Pete following him right behind, both of them wearing matching burgundy suits.

“Have I lied to you about anything?” you chuckle awkwardly.

“Plenty of times,” he points out before turning towards Harry. “Hello handsome, I’m Anthony, Y/N’s favorite coworker, and this is my boyfriend, Pete.” They all shake hands, Harry smiling back at them warmly before his hand finds yours again, his fingers lacing together with yours in an instant.

“Nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you, I’m Harry.”

“Oh my! The accent!” Anthony gushes, clearly already a fan of Harry’s. “I was really afraid Y/N just said that she is bringing someone so we would get out of her hair this time.”

“I feel offended,” you give him a look, but he just shrugs it off, even though he is more right than he knows.

“Come on, let’s get you guys a drink, we are all sitting over there!”

Joining all your coworkers at the table, you get a head start on the food and drinks, not shying away from stacking everything you like onto your plate. Talking, mixing and mingling, Harry stays right next to you, charming everyone the two of you meet, earning you some approving looks from your colleagues that usually try to set you up with someone they know. This time, you’re left in peace the moment they see Harry with you, his hand always somewhere on you, holding your hand, the small of your back, your hips or waist or, your personal favorite, the back of your neck under your hair. His presence is uplifting already, but his tiny touches just warm you even more on the inside.

“I have to say, Y/N, you are absolutely glowing!” Dianne, one of the editors compliment you when the two of you are at the bar waiting for your drinks to be refilled. Harry stayed back at the table, deep in conversation with Pete about guitars, from what you could understand from their conversation.

“Oh, thank you!” you chuckle softly.

“This man is for sure treating you well. It’s so great to see you finally finding your person.”

She meant well with her comment, but it’s what brings everything you kept hidden in the back of your head out to the front. Tonight was supposed to be all pretending, making everyone believe something that’s not even there, but then why do you feel like it’s real? Like you fooled yourself with everyone else as well?

Your eyes fall back to Harry at the table, who is intently listening to something Pete is telling him and as if he had a sixth sense, his eyes snap at you, a smile stretching across his pretty face at an instant that makes you stomach dance again, heart beating oddly fast.

What is happening to you? This cannot be real, you can’t be having feelings, especially not for Harry. No, you do not allow that for yourself, emotions are off limits for you, because if you fall for someone that gives them the chance to leave you and break you and you’ve seen what it does to a woman. You got enough of the suffering through your mother and you vowed not to let it happen to you. And not even Harry Styles will change that. This is about sex and nothing else, no feelings are involved and that will not change. You won’t let it.

Excusing yourself from Dianne you quickly go back to the table, the refills long forgotten as you take your seat next to Harry. His hand instantly finds your leg as he looks at you with a sweet smile at first that turns into slight confusion.

“Thought you went for a refill?”

“Forget the drinks,” you shake your head, leaning closer to his ear. “You promised me bathroom sex.”

You feel the shift in him right away, how he bites into his bottom lip, his bright green irises darkening at your words, his hold on your leg tightening. His gaze flickers to your eyes and you want to devour him, you want him to take you here and there to prove you that this is all it’s about: sex.

Clearing his throat he mumbles a lame excuse as he pulls you from your chair, tugging you towards the restrooms, you try to keep up with his pace in your heels, but you also can’t wait for him to slam you against the door and fuck you quick and hard.

As soon as you’re locked away from the party in one of the bathrooms, your lips collide with his as he pushes you up against the door, a leg coming between your thighs and you can’t stop yourself from grinding on him.

“Fuck,” he rasps out, hands cupping your jaw as he angles your head just right while your hands are already traveling down his body to reach his pants, eager to get them undone as fast as possible.

However the sudden rush and desperation catches Harry’s eyes and he grabs your hands, stopping you mid-action.

“Hey, everything alright?” he asks, out of breath, concern filling his eyes.

“I just need you to fuck me,” you bluntly reply, but he doesn’t move.

“Okay, but why do you look so shaken up? Did something happen?”

“Harry, stop babying me! I said I’m fine, I just want you to fuck me!” you snap, losing your patience. Not sure if it’s with him or with yourself though.

“You’re obviously not fine! You are snapping at me for being decent and making sure you’re okay!” Harry steps away from you, the moment completely ruined as all physical contact ends with him, his eyes staring back at you in disbelief and you feel like a ticking bomb that’s about to explode.

“It’s not your concern if I’m okay or not. We have a deal, just go with that and leave the rest to me!”

“But above the deal we are friends too. I’m not gonna just… fuck you senseless when you’re obviously upset about something. You’re not in the right mindset.”

“Oh my God, stop being so fucking nice! Stop making these grand gestures and stop pretending like you give a fuck!” You raise your voice and it surely surprises him, but he is still more concerned than angry at your outburst.

“What do you mean pretending? I do care about you! Is that a fucking crime now?!”

“It is because it is for the wrong reasons!” you retort, feeling your throat closing up at the same time. Oh God, you hope you won’t start crying, that will make it even worse. “I think you are taking this pretending a little too far tonight. We are not a couple, this is not real, Harry,” you remind him.

He stares back at you for what feels like eternity and you wish you could read his mind, because you can’t read anything from his eyes, he just stands there like a statue and you feel panic crawling up your spine, slowly digging its claws into your flesh.

And then he finally breaks his silence.

“And would it be so bad if it was real?”

You can’t help a sob that emits from you, feeling like your guts are in a tight grip by his words. This is exactly what you didn’t want to happen.

“No, take that back!” you whine.

“I’m not taking it back! Y/N, what we’ve been doing these past weeks is exactly what a relationship is like and you didn’t seem to have a problem with it until a label was put on it. It doesn’t have to change anything!”

“But it is! And you know I don’t do this!”

“Don’t do what? Feelings? You don’t get to choose that!” he chuckles bitterly.

“I do! I fucking do! And I chose not to have them so… this is ending here, because you clearly caught feelings,” you pant in desperate need of getting out of the bathroom, but when you are about to open the door Harry’s hand snaps against it, keeping it closed. You rest your forehead against the cool surface of it, feeling Harry stand so close to you behind, his chest is touching your back.

“Don’t just walk away, we are in the middle of a conversation,” he growls, his voice filled with anger and warning.

“I don’t have anything to say to you,” you whisper, shaking your head as you turn around and face him, your back pressing against the door.

“But I do,” he simply replies. “Why do you think you can just run away from feeling anything for the rest of your life? Why would it be so bad if you fell for someone, huh? I know you do have feelings, I know you well, Y/N. You’re not some cold hearted jerk, you are a caring and loving person, so why won’t you let yourself be happy?”

“I am happy the way I am, have you thought about that?”

“No, you’re not. I’ve known you half my life, I know that you want to be cared for, you want to be loved and cherished, yet you push away everyone who wants to give you that.”

“Because it’s not that easy, Harry!” you snap at him. “It’s never just the lovey-dovey shit! Feelings come with hurt and pain and heartbreaks and I don’t need that! I can’t handle that!”

“It’s not always the case! But if you never put yourself out there, you’ll never find the happiness you’re seeking!”

“Well, for me, it doesn’t worth it! I don’t want to fall for someone, plan my future with them and open up to them completely only for them to fall out of love with me one day and decide they don’t want anything to do with me! I don’t want to give anyone the chance to hurt me like that, because I’ve seen what it does to a person! I witnessed it all, Harry! I will not be a victim to that!”

You’re full on shouting, tears rolling down your cheeks at this point. You are letting everything out that’s been bottled up deep inside of you all this time. Nothing can make you believe in the fairytale that will never become your reality and you rather save the time and pain than experiment with it.

What really hurts is that now you are losing your friend. Your best friend. Because the way Harry is looking at you makes it obvious that you’ll never be like before the deal. The hurt, the shock, the panic and the anger, it all mixes in his wide-eyed gaze and it’s like a knife into your chest.

“You promised me, Harry,” you sob, voice now barely more than just a whisper. “You swore you wouldn’t catch feelings but you lied!”

“I didn’t lie,” he simply answers clenching his jaw. “I said I wouldn’t catch feelings for you, but truth is… I already had them. I was already in love with you, have been for a while. And you know what? I think you love me too, but you’re just too afraid to admit it. I know it because I can feel it. The way you touch me, look at me, the way you talk to me, it’s written all over you, but you choose to ignore it.”

“You don’t know shit,” you shake your head vigorously. “You think you know it, but you don’t.”

“Stop denying it, Y/N! You can’t just switch it off! Loving is not as horrendous as you think it is! Yes, it comes with pain too, but the good is always there to make you forget about it. You have to give it… you have to give yourself a chance!”

“I don’t have to do anything, Harry,” you sass back, pushing him away so you have the chance to sneak out of the room before he could stop you. But he doesn’t let it end that easily. Running after you he catches your wrist before you could get out of the hallway, pulling you back.

“Don’t just fucking walk away, Y/N! We need to talk about this!”

“No, we don’t. And I’m done with this. Done with… you.”

It hurts. The words rolling off of your tongue hurt, but you choose to ignore it once again as you shake his hand off of yourself, marching back to your table to grab your bag and leave.

“What do you mean you’re done with me? Don’t do this, Y/N! Let’s just fucking talk!”

Harry keeps trying to stop you, but you’re determined to leave. Your coworkers notice the little scene, but you don’t pay it any attention as you head out of the room, knowing well they’ll talk shit about you behind your back as soon as you’re out of the building.

“Y/N for fuck’s sake just stop already!” Harry snaps, grabbing your arm once again when you’re outside, pulling you back, but you’ve had enough.

“No! I’m not stopping, you need to stop! Stop trying to make yourself believe this is anything more than just the deal we made! It’s not and it will never be, because you don’t get to have the privilege of hurting me, nobody gets to do that!”

“Who said I want to hurt you?! That’s the last thing I would want to do! It’s not as cruel as you imagine it, Y/N. I know that your mum had a terrible love life when you were younger, but that’s not the only side to love! There are so much good about it, so much to fight for and endure with the bad sides, you can’t just throw all of it out the window because you decided love is just not for you!”

“I can and I will. Watch me!” you bite back, tearing your arm out of his hold as you step to the side of the pavement and wave a taxi down.

“Please don’t get into that car, Y/N, let’s talk!”

“We talked enough,” you huff as the car stops in front of you and you hop inside, but just as you are about to close the door Harry once again stops you.

“Y/N, I love you. Please don’t do this!” he begs, so much sorrow and pain radiating from his face and for a moment you fall weak. You almost reach out to him, because part of you hates seeing him like this, especially knowing that it’s because of you. You just want him to be happy, but you know it’s not gonna be with you. You can never give him what he wants and needs. He’ll be better off without you.

“I’m sorry,” you choke out before pulling the door closed and the car drives away. Turning around you see him stand on the pavement, completely broken and shaken, his hands tangling into his hair as he angrily kicks at the dirt before the car melts into the traffic and he falls out of your sight.

You did it for your and Harry’s sake. It had to be done and you are both better off this way. At least that’s what you’ve been trying to convince you to believe.

But why does it hurt so badly then?

Harry tried you calling a million times after you left him at the party, he even came after you and banged on your door for thirty minutes straight, begging you to let him in and just talk, but you didn’t even answer him. Just waited until he left before you curled up in the shower and cried for about an hour.

The calls and texts kept coming in the next few days, but after a while he gave up. He got nothing but silence from your side and one last, long ass text that you didn’t even read because you knew you’d just start crying again, he finally gave up.

You were left alone with all the pain and emptiness and you realized how big part of your life Harry played before. Somehow, everything reminded you of him and you couldn’t do anything without wishing he was with you.

You truly believed that time will heal you, that soon you’ll realize that you made the right decision, but days turned into weeks and nothing changed, you just learned to live with the pain. You stopped going out with your friends and not just because you were afraid of seeing Harry, but because you genuinely couldn’t get yourself to leave the house. Your evenings consisted of binge eating all the ice-cream you could find in your freezer and watching reruns of your favorite shows, but nothing could really take your mind off of Harry.

Day after day you cancelled on Leticia as well until she had enough of your hermit life. She got fed up watching you sink into your pit of sorrow and decided to take things into her own hands and not let you run away from her.

A Friday evening you’re doing what you’ve been doing for weeks now, lying on your couch in sweatpants, scrolling through Netflix when there’s a knock on your door. You wait, hoping whoever it is will think you’re not home and go away, but another obnoxious knock rips through the apartment and you growl.

“I know you’re in there bitch, open the fucking door!” Leticia shouts from outside and you curse the day you became friends with her. Maybe you would have been better off as enemies.

“I’m busy!” you call out, but make your way to the front door anyway, opening it to reveal her.

“Yeah, I can see that. Busy with being a bag of trash,” she comments on your appearance, walking inside without an invitation.

“Jeez, you really did wake up today and chose violence,” you mutter under your breath as you shut the door closed.

Leticia is quick to turn the TV off and open up the windows as you just stand there, not sure what she is doing here.

“When did you clean this place? And when was the last time you took a shower?” she asks, her nose scrunching when she takes a better look at you.

“Okay, did you come here to offend me? Because I don’t need that so please leave.”

“No, I’m here to beat some sense into you.”

“Good luck with that,” you scoff, taking your spot on the couch once again. You reach for the remote with the intention of turning the TV back on, but Leticia stands in front of the screen, blocking the device completely as she stares down at you with a disapproving look, arms folded on her chest.

“You’re acting like a child, Y/N. Avoiding everyone and being mad at the whole world, are you an emo teenager now or what?”

“I’m not mad at the whole world!”

“Okay, then you’re mad at just Harry, still, it’s a mistake.”

“I’m not mad at only Harry either,” you admit truthfully.

“Who else then?”

“Myself?” you mumble, eyes falling closed as you slide lower down on the couch.

“That makes the two of us, but why are you mad at yourself?” she asks, finally moving from her spot in front of the TV as she sits next to you on the couch, crossing her legs as she waits for your answer.

“Because…” you start with a sigh, opening your eyes, but you avoid looking at her, instead, you stare at the wall across you. “Because I can’t fucking stop thinking about him,” you admit and your lips start trembling instantly, just like every time you think about him. “I miss him so fucking badly, Tish! I miss our conversations, I miss his stupid jokes, I miss him raiding my fucking fridge and I miss…”

You bite your tongue, not wanting to admit the next thoughts loudly. Because you miss kissing him, you miss holding him and be held by him. You miss sex too, but you miss the tiny things even more, the way his lips feel against yours, how he smiles against them when you whimper his name and you miss the awkward little things the most. When he accidentally bumps his head against yours or when say random shit right before he pushes into you just to make you laugh, or when he leans in for a kiss but misses it and ends up kissing your nose or just the corner of your mouth. You miss everything about him and you hate him for that, but you hate yourself even more. It feels like your own conscious has betrayed you.

Shutting your eyes closed you let the tears roll down your cheeks as Leticia scoots closer and wraps her arms around you, cooing soothingly at you.

“It’s alright. It’s totally normal, Y/N.”

“It is not! Not for me at least!” you protest pulling back, wiping your cheeks with the back of your hands.

“Stop with the bullshit already!” she growls in annoyance. “You are not some kind of ice queen who is incapable of loving! You love me, right?”

“Yeah, but that’s different,” you roll your eyes.

“Not really. You love your other friends as well, right?” You nod. “And you love your mom,” she adds and you nod again. “Would you do anything for these people?”

“Of course.”

“Do you like spending time with them? Do you care about them in all kinds of ways?”

“Yes,” you sigh, fumbling with the hem of your shirt.

“Do you feel the same way about Harry? Do you care about him, would you do anything for him to make him happy?”

“Yes,” you whisper truthfully.

“Then don’t complicate it. You love him, no big deal! And he surely loves you back, because he told you, right?” You nod. “Then pull your head out of your ass and just let yourself be happy for once.”

“Why are you coming with this too? I was happy on my own too!”

“No, you were getting by,” she points it out. “You were doing good, but you weren’t… a whole. Harry gave you everything you missed, but for some fucked up reason you think it’s the end of the world to depend on someone else partially when it comes to your happiness. Which can be a smart thing, it’s important to be your own person and be independent, but sometimes we need some help from others. From people that love us and we love them back. It’s not a crime, Y/N.”

“No, but it’s gonna end up with me being heartbroken.”

“You already are,” she ruthlessly replies, bringing your attention to what you’ve been trying to ignore all this time. “Hate to break it to you, but this is what that feels like. So why not just go with it, you already felt the pain, now you could go for the good parts as well.”

“I don’t know if I can do it, Tish,” you breathe out, resting your head against the back of the couch. “Even if I did it, I know I would mess it up and hurt him or maybe he’ll do something stupid and hurt me and I don’t think I can handle that.”

“So what? It’s part of the deal. And besides, you’re already hurting each other, so you better get your shit together,” she scoffs, poking your side playfully.

It’s part of the deal. Are you ready to make a new deal? One that you’ve been avoiding your whole life? Are you ready to cut yourself open for someone else and just hope for the best?

Probably not. And probably you’ll never be. But your tactics didn’t succeed so far, you still ended up in pain so why not give it a chance? Even if it’s gonna be the hardest thing you’ve ever done?

“Do you think he hates me now?” you ask quietly, peeking at her scared of her answer.

“He is a bit mad at you for shutting him out, but he could never hate you. That man loves you so much, it’s almost disgusting,” she admits, making you chuckle. “Just… be honest with him and talk to him. You need it. You both need it.”

Harry’s fingers strum against the chords again, trying to get the tune right, but he fails again, a frustrated growl leaving his lips as he lets his head fall forwards. He’s been trying to finish the song for hours, but it still hasn’t come together the way he imagined and his patience is running short.

It’s been hard for him to focus on writing, with you on his mind all the time, everything seems like a hard task. He has written plenty of songs since the night at the party, but he could never use them for his job. One, because they are so fucking sad and depressive and they asked for upbeat hits from him, and two, because they are all so personal, he could never give them to someone else. He can’t let anyone else sing the lines he wrote to you, but you’ll probably never hear them.

Giving up on finishing the song today, he puts the guitar aside and calls it a day. Walking into the kitchen he opens the fridge and realizes that it’s completely empty aside from a bottle of ketchup and a single banana. He’s been such a mess lately, he forgot to go grocery shopping yesterday. Huffing to himself he grabs the banana and reaches for his phone to order something right when his doorbell rings. He is not expecting anyone, but Mitch has been popping in every few days to check in on him since everything that went down with you, so Harry is convinced it’s him again.

“Great timing, do you want Italian or Chinese?” he asks, walking up to the door, but as he swings it open he freezes when he sees you standing on the doormat. “Y/N…” he breathes out as if he was seeing a ghost.

“Hi! I-I hope I’m not bothering you o-or anything…” you ramble nervously.

“No! No, come on in!” He snaps out of his trance and steps aside, letting you walk inside. A feeling of nostalgia hits you right away as you think back at the last time you were here. Just a few days before the party, when everything was different.

“I’m sorry I came without asking, I just… I would say I was nearby, but that’s not true,” you chuckle anxiously as the two of you walk into the living room. You notice that his place is a little messier than usually, but it’s not nearly as bad as yours was before you did a deep cleaning yesterday after Leticia’s comments on it.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. What… What brought you here?”

“I, uhh… I’ve been thinking. A lot. And I have a few things I need to tell you.”

For a moment Harry’s stomach drops, because he thinks you came here to tell him off one more time for breaking your deal, for everything that happened at the party. He is already bracing himself to just let you lash out on him, but it never comes. And when you speak up again, he nearly faints.

“I love you.”

It’s a strong start, definitely a surprising one. Harry’s lips part and his eyes widen, his look almost comical, but you’re not laughing, not now. You have a lot to tell him and you can only hope he won’t throw you out after everything is said.

“I love you and I’m sorry it took me so long to stop ignoring it, but I promise you I’m done with that. And I’m sorry for everything I said to you that night, I was… mad and confused and I didn’t know how to deal with everything at once. I was delusional and ignorant and… a fool for thinking that I could just choose to never have feelings, especially for you,” you add with a tiny, nervous chuckle. “You were right. About everything. That I can’t live without ever putting myself out there and risking it. And I think deep down I knew that, but I was so afraid of getting hurt that I made myself believe I’m good on my own, but I’m not. Not entirely, to be precise. Because sometimes it is worth risking it and… and I realized that you are the person for me who is worth this risk.”

The tears are already blurring your vision, for the millionth time these past weeks, but it feels right now. Opening up to Harry and telling him all of this is hard, but with every spoken word you feel lighter and more relieved.

“I’m sorry if I made you think that I don’t love you, because I do. I really do. You are my best friend and these past weeks have been hell for me without you. I was so keen on avoiding a heart break that I ended up breaking my own heart,” you chuckle bitterly, the first tear running down your cheek.

Harry reaches out and wipes it away with his thumb and you involuntarily melt into his touch. You’ve been starved for it and now it feels like home. When you look up and your eyes meet his, you see that they are red too and it just makes you want to cry even more.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, I just thought that I was doing the right thing, but I was so far from that. So I’m really sorry and I understand if you don’t want to see me again for the way I acted. I was… a horrible friend and… an even worse girlfriend.”

“Girlfriend?” he asks quietly.

“Yeah. Because you were right, we were more than just the deal and… if you choose not to throw me out after this, I would… I would love to give it a try with you. I want to be the girlfriend you deserve and though I’m sure I’ll mess it up a lot of times, I promise I’ll try my best, becau—“

He makes your rambling stop in the best way possible, lips smashing against yours as he cups your tear-soaked cheeks in his warm palms, pulling you close to him, your arms curling around his waist immediately.

Harry has kissed you several times before, but none of them compares to this. It’s messy and salty from both your tears, but you wouldn’t change a thing about it, the way his lips move against yours, tongues meeting, devouring each other, making up for the lost time and full of promises for the future. You hold onto his shirt at his back for dear life as he just keeps kissing you over and over again until you both run out of breath.

“So, does this mean you’re not throwing me out?” you joke, breaking the silence once you’ve pulled back.

“Fuck no,” he laughs, pecking your lips a few more times before his lips meet your forehead. “You are not leaving this place, ever. You’re trapped,” he adds to the joke and you break out in a relieved laughter.

“Wait, so I’m stuck with you now?” you whine playfully, but all you get is another kiss on the lips, hard and demanding.

“Yeah, forever, baby. You won’t get rid of me now, not after the speech you just gave me,” he smirks down at you, his arms coming to curl around your shoulders as he keeps you pressed against him tightly. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” you reply, your heart soaring as you hear those words again from him, this time, not even trying to dodge them in any way. In fact, you just want to hear him say it every minute over and over again for the rest of your life. “And I’m happy to be stuck with you,” you add with a shy smile as his grin widens at your words.

“Yeah? So we have a new deal then?” he teases, kissing the corner of your mouth.

“Absolutely.”

Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed it!

[coffeeastronaut]

top 5 video game levels :)

OHOHOH…. OHOHOHOHOOHOH. im doing this twice bc i wanna talk abt MY favorites and also like mechanically the best ones.

personally:

1. the golden cat from dishonored 1. i just like it so much. Emily :) and it’s so pretty!!! I could probably write a paper about the art inside the golden cat let alone the like actual design of it

2. lady boyles last party from dishonored 1. need i say more. the color the pizzaz the funny aristocrats the guy you can harass till he calls the guards and when they come you can say (drunkly) im an agent of the outsider and then they leave you alone. i used to listen to the ambient sounds of this while i worked i can hear those muffled fireworks in my dreams

3. the opening ray fight in metal gear rising revengence! the fuckin, the PIZZAZZ! the METAL! the SLASHING! its SO much fun. you run up a CLOCKTOWER and EXPLODE and SLICE and DICE. SWAG!!!

4. speaking of platinum games. the final jean/bayonetta fight bayonetta 1! i am so godawful at bayonetta but even with that it is SO mych fun and it brings together so many skills and feels good to play (even when loosing!) in a way that the other jean fights dont- you’re finally on even footing, rather then the backfoot. also, lesbian win.

5. Yakuza 0 final boss rush 💛 the bosses are rewarding and wicked fun. Fuck the kiryu boat though those guns are total bullshit.

Mechanically:

1. I can’t not say the clockwork mansion from dishonored 2 here. Did you know that the entire mansion could actually work irl? Like it’s not just bits clipping through each other- it all has a place to go. The only exception is one room at the very front of the mansion, where the ceiling pulls apart to reveal a higher, cooler ceiling. The dev team decided it would be okay to have 1 swaggy ass moment at the expense of possibility (the bars that make up the ceiling just kind of shoot out the side of the mansion, LOL). there’s so much to go into here both technologically and mechanically- the npc pathing, the clockwork soldiers, the hiding in the walls like a rat, the ghost run being so VERY fast because jindosh’s greatest strength (his big fucked up mansion) is also hos greatest weakness (i am inside your walls and you cant do anything about it HA! bitch.) also tho i hate fighting clockworks its so scary and i am such a baby. on high chaos its a blast tho bc you have so much more power- on low i am so scared. i suspect they will be the end of me several times on my groundhog day run

2. A crack in the slab from (bet you wont guess) dishonored 2. the time travel mechanic is SO fun to play with! my only qualm is that it comes at a time when you’re really laying into your powers, only to loose them here. that’s why this isnt higher. But i live that you can solve jindosh’s lock, i live that it’s different ever time, i love the gang politics of overseers vs hatters, i love granny rag’s hand, i could go on and on and on. Do you have any idea how insane i went the first time i knocked over a rickety balcony in the past and climbed its rubble in the present? cuz it was very.

3. Little nightmares’ janitor library sneak round. My heart is in my throat every time I play, it’s done so very well. Little nightmares gets a lot of shoutouts on this front- encounters are timed excellently to keep me on my toes every time, without feeling overwhelmed or so perfectly timed that it’s a fifty fifty on wether i’ll actually make it. (looking at you, little nightmares 2)

4. Framed. The whole thing. Framed is a puzzle game that involves the player shuffling around ‘frames’ in a comic, to change the course of the story. Specifically the very end of framed 1 is just wonderful- the swing back around to the beginning of the game and watching it all come together is so, UGH, its so cool.

5. Portal 2 wheatley fight. The fucking moon, man

honorary mentions:

the final boss in plunge! It’s hard as hell, but so insanely rewarding. It really pulls all the previous mechanics together nicely, and i cheer every time i beat it. You will play plunge now.

Playdead’s inside’s chicken shooting in the farmhouse! The game is dark, but for me this was the first moment where it really starts to click- the last chick that wasn’t moving. And then you go straight into the factory and it all really kicks off.. phenomenal tone.

undertale papyrus date 💛

Deathloop’s fristad rock morning (hi franky baby im here to kill you again) and updaam night (lets fucking PARTY! get in the meat grinder.)

I thought it would be cheating to include anything from mgs 1-3 but likeyou know. Psycho mantis, sniper wolf (second), vulcan raven (second), liquid fist fight, rex fight, like, you know? And thats just mgs1. we cannot go into mgs2 ill be typing for thirty minutes and we wont even be done with the tanker mission.

[mylordshesacactus]

plantser questionnaire marathon

What is the first thing you do when you start working on a new WIP?

Generally, I'll do a quick bullet-point "outline" of the scenes I want to include to make sure I don't leave any out. (My default setting is scrapbook-style oneshots, so this is pretty relevant!) These are EXTREMELY informal and probably incomprehensible to anyone but me. Because most of my oneshot ideas started out as chatting with friends or a tumblr post, they'll often have little dialogue snippets that occurred to me as relevant to the theme or situation but don't have any context; I'll toss any particularly effective or witty or just profoundly in-character lines--anything where I love the exact phrasing and don't want to lose it--up as their own bullet points.

If it's particularly plot-heavy or intricate, or if I'm struggling to go from an outline to actual prose, I'll add sub-bullets to brainstorm and lay out the scene more precisely to give me a better roadmap.

These "outlines" can get a little more detailed if it's a multichapter. I'll divide them first into rough chunks, less strict chapter divides and more "here's what happens in Act 1". Then I'll...start writing, and if one scene ends up longer or more detailed than I expected, I'll rearrange how I divided the scenes. Sometimes this results in me writing a scene, developing it in more detail and realizing that it could very naturally include all the important aspects I'd allocated to a different scene, so I'll combine what would have been two weak chapters into one strong one.

What is the most important question to answer about your characters?

What wouldn't they do?

This can be a moral question, of course--what's the line your character won't cross? What would make them less nobly just say no, you're not paying me enough for that? Conversely, what level of selflessness would they balk at or view with disdain--a character who'd be totally fine with a genuinely mutually beneficial arrangement, for example, might sneer at an arrangement where he got something he wanted but the other person got something they needed, because that exchange wasn't equally balanced so he thinks he got cheated.

But it doesn't have to be a big deep question.

Usually, if you're stuck when writing because you don't know what a character would do next or how they'd respond, you can get a lot of traction out of going "okay, well, what WOULDN'T they do?" and then thinking about the answer.

Like. It's easy to say well, this character absolutely would never go to the criminal organization from canon for help...but would they? Are you sure? Luke Skywalker went to every effort to make a peaceful deal with Jabba because the backup plan was incredibly risky. Robyn Hill hates the Atlesian military, but was willing to work with them in the interest of making real change on the Council; and when the heat went off in Mantle, she shelved her pride instantly and begged for help to save civilian lives.

What wouldn't they do? And how sure are you?

What are three things you have to have during a writing session?

Time, relative quiet, and a stream-of-consciousness outlet.

I don't enjoy writing under pressure and tend to get engrossed when I hit my flow, so even if I only intend to write for an hour or so I can't be trying to cram it into a limited time at the end of which I have to do something else. I can write until bedtime because that's a natural endpoint and I'm tired and would be stopping anyway, but I can't "write before bedtime" because that's a time limit. My partner will frequently go "I just need to write 500 words and then bed" but I absolutely can't do that.

I say "relative" quiet because dead silence is unpleasant, and because @alexkablob and I have discovered that we can cowrite just fine (and in fact better) while on a Skype call together. However, I cannot write independently while on a call, and I can't write with music unless it's EXTREMELY unobtrusive. I had decent results playing spaghetti western soundtracks in the background while working on Bellwether, but even then I frequently had to pause it or switch to a different track when the music got too intense.

(I have sensory processing issues where my brain physically cannot filter out background noise if it's rhythmic or has a pattern. Music or voices force my brain to pay attention to it, making it impossible to write because my attention is split. So, background music rather than full instrumental themes--music designed to play under dialogue without distracting from it--can actually be great!)

And a stream-of-consciousness outlet. Sometimes a "scratch notes" document is enough for this--something I can tab over to and jot down random dialogue that I just thought of, or a plot concept, or the solution to a problem, without having to organize it. And I write best when I can talk about what I'm doing to someone without involving auditory input--just today I was building a D&D puzzle and was able to focus on it better when I could occasionally tab over to a chat with friends who aren't in the campaign, so I could talk about what I was doing. It keeps my momentum up and keeps me excited. My original writing doc has like five people who've got access to it just so that they can see what I'm doing and help me keep interest in the ongoing project.

[nnon-but-cwnancydrew]

Tell me about the 5 things that make you happy and then ask the same thing to at least 10 people who have reblogged your posts before!

Thank you for the ask!

Alright here we go (in no particular order)

1) FAMILY MOVIE NIGHT! My mom is pretty much always busy with her job and my sister is always chasing the latest c-dramas so when we have the time to sit down and watch a movie without any outside distractions? Best feeling ever. (Also I don't trust them and always confiscate their phones.)

Close second and it's related to family so I'll just put it here. On most Saturdays my mother's younger brother and his family will come back for dinner and I always love interacting with my cousins. Especially my younger cousin brother! He's 9 and a total Rockhead he always used to bang his head against the rest of ours and giggle himself mad while we groan in pain. My sister and my cousin sister are closer both in age and relationship and it's always so funny to see them interacting bc they're the personification of this image:

(I don't watch The Simpsons btw so if this image has an underlying meaning I don't know it)

2) Validation. This comes in many forms. When I cook dinner on Sundays, when I fix a problem for my technological stumped older relatives or even a single like and reblog from Tumblr users. Ma'am your asks literally made my day I don't usually get asks

3) Singing! Music in general honestly. I hear a new song that I like and my soul is healed for that brief moment in time. Some of my earliest memories involve music. And my father. My father loved music. He taught me how to ride a bike with the Beatles' Let it Be playing in the background. We celebrated my first birthday at a hotel and the live band sang Happy Birthday to me. My mom still has the video and photos.

I'm in a choir and my teacher always chooses amazing SATB pieces. And while I might groan and moan over learning those old songs (mostly cus I don't learn any musical instruments and thus have the best worst knowledge of key signatures a person whose been learning scores since she was 10 could possibly have), those end results are always amazing and I never miss a performance if I can help it.

Side note I joined my current choir company bc my school choir kicked me out for being too hyperactive. Thanks guys

However, the silver lining is that I've made so many friends for life and I know for a fact that my current choir has offered me so much more than my school choir possibly could. For example, I've never flown in an airplane until we went to Hong Kong to compete in its International Music Competition (we won gold btw) and I've been to Kuching to perform for a weekend music festival.

Ahem. I got sidetracked

4) Books! Been escaping reality via those funky words engraved on dead trees circa 2009 baby! (Literally still remember the first novel I read. The Mystery of the Disappearing Cat by Enid Blyton. I didn't read the first book of the series until I was 15 bc the Mystery of the Disappearing Cat was my mom's and she had every single book in the series except for the first one.)

5) Creating in general. Mayhem. Confusion. Dinner. Sometimes I switch things up and stir all 3 together and serve them in a pot.

Okay seriously I love putting things together. IKEA furniture. Powerpoints. Meals. Puzzles. Young me would tire of the same old picture and put the puzzle together backward, with the picture lying on the table surface and a blank slate for me to piece together. (I think that's partly why you'll hardly see me write a fic here. I'm more for analyzing the details than anything.)

Probably gonna pursue a career in interior designing but I also said that about singing, a theatre career, and who knows what else so we'll see

Tagging: @voidsteffy @platanchorsociety @acenancy @the-magnificunt @bess-turani-marvin @sargentsblu @acehardy @naancypants @nancydrew428 @naceistruelove

(I really hope I didn't tag someone's main blog and side blog)

[thr-333]

Mismatch- Part 7

Bio Dad Bruce Wayne Month 2020

A nice family dinner, not that anyone needs to know that (:

First< Previous> Next

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“I got the feeling this would happen,” Marion shakes his head, looking at Marinette and Damian, both trying to explain how they ended up fighting.

“And yet you didn’t stop it,” Jason was smirking at the adults. Both looked exhausted, probably from listening to Tom for the past hour or so.

“Me? You encouraged them,” Marion scowls at Jason.

“How?” He was already looking down at him, smirking.

“Really?” Marion raises his brow, the two falling into a staring contest.

“If I hadn't they’d also be getting Alfred’s ‘not angry just disappointed speech’,” Jason relents, looking away from Marion, who was silently gloating his victory.

“Oh, Damian told me about that one,” Marion looks over at Damian as he was arguing with Bruce.

“I still can’t believe Demon spawn was willingly talking with you,” Jason muses.

“Rude,” Marion scoffs, trying not to smile as Jason whips around with a panicked look.

“What?- ah no - I meant-”

“I know,” Marion breaks down in giggles.

“You-”

“This garden is beautiful,” Marion cuts him off, Jason huffs and turns away, “Also Mr Wayne is glaring at you,”

“Let’s go,” Jason spins around and hastily walking into the garden. Marion laughs, jogging to catch up.

“That got you moving,” Marion teases as they walk behind a hedge to hide.

“I am not about to get lectured for Demon-spawns decisions,” Jason snarls, glaring back at where they came from.

“Been meaning to ask about that nickname,” Marion tries to lighten his mood.

“It’s accurate isn’t it?” Jason smirks slightly but Marion can still see the anger behind it.

“He doesn't seem that bad,” Marion mutters, making Jason scoff.

“Trust me, that's the best mood I’ve ever seen him in,” Marion can’t tell if he’s telling the truth or not, but he seems to be relaxing.

“Maybe he just doesn't like you,” Marion teases, before realising with horror just how rude it sounded.

“Oh he definitely doesn't,” Jason snorts, Marion tries not to feel uncomfortable as he seems to cheer up.

“I’m sure he does deep down,” Marion can’t help but to try and fix the situation.

“You can only go so deep,” Jason says, with too much bitterness to be humorous.

“Please, I somehow doubt that anyone has to reach very deep to like you, I don't, you seem nice,” Marion misses Jason's shocked look, instead noticing some nearby flowers, “These are gorgeous,”

“Alfred tends to them, none of us are allowed to touch them,” Jason murmurs quietly, as Marion lightly touches the petals.

“Sorry!” Marion jumps back as if the petals burnt him.

“No you’ll be fine,” Jason chuckles, “We were only ban after the incident,”

“The incident?” Marion still doesn't risk touching the flowers. He’s literally holding the miraculous of destruction. “Sounds ominous,”

“There was a flamethrower involved and that's all I’m telling you,” Jason says definitively, walking away from the flower bed.

“Oh come, you have to tell me now,” Marion stands, bouncing to catch up to him.

“Nope,” Jason keeps his eyes forward.

“Please,” Marion comes forward to walk backwards in front of him, giving him the babydoll eyes.

“Not happening, so stop it with those eyes,” Jason looks away, so Marion turns around and falls back into step with him.

“Never,” Marion stops anyway, not wanting to ruin the light mood by making him irritated again.

They keep walking through the garden, in comfortable silence. Marion starts to hum a tune as he looks around at the foliage. He doesn't notice Jason's eyes are on him, not the scenery.

“Can we stop here for just a minute,” He gestures at a bench, “I need to write this down,”

“Sure,” Jason sits down, Marion sitting next to him, bringing out his notebook to jot down some musical notes and lyric ideas as they came.

“So you write music?” Jason asks, after Marion slows down his rapid pace for a more leisurely one.

“Yeah I sing a little too,” He answers, still mostly distracted but not minding the conversation.

“Written any songs?” Jason already knows the answer as he had been watching Marion do just that.

Marion wanted to laugh. He had albums full of songs that were listened to worldwide, but he couldn't share that. Instead he decided to tell him about before he became MCD.

“My friend Luka and I used to make some together,” They still technically did as Luka worked with him as MCD, not that Luka knew it was him.

“Used to?” Jason repeats.

“Yeah, things got awkward,” Marion pauses, looking up from his book, “You want to hear about the worst love square in history?”

“A love square?” Jason looks puzzled and amused.

“Don’t laugh, it’s possible,” Marion defends, closing his book.

“I think I’m going to need to hear this story to believe it,” Jason turns towards him.

“Alright, Lukas sister Juleka is in our class, that's how Marinette and I met him,” Marion puts his notebook away,  “Nette had-has a crush on… someone else, but Luka liked her,”

“Right,” Jason nods along, as Marion faces him.

“But I liked Luka,” Marion looks away and tries not to blush at the admission. He didn’t any more but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t embarrassing.

“Is he good looking?” Jason teases, leaning into his field of vision.

“Not the point, but yes,” Marion turns back, matching Jason's smirk with a flat look. “The thing is Juleka liked me,”

“And let me guess the ‘someone else’ that Marinette likes is Juleka?” Jason says, getting in on the love square insanity.

“No, but that would bring everything full circle wouldn’t it?” Marion hums contemplatively, “Anyway, I was the first to confess, ending in a very awkward conversation where everything was brought out into the open,”

“Sounds like a pain,” Jason declares with a sympathetic look.

“Yep, after that things got pretty weird, we didn’t have to see Luka much but Juleka is still in our class, she tends to avoid us,” Marion gives a thoughtful frown. Thinking about how it basically sent Juleka to Lila with a wrapper and bow.

“Hey, don’t worry about it,” Jason says softly, breaking Marion out of his daydream, “People drift apart,”

Marion smiles, pretending not to notice the bitter edge to Jason's voice. He changes the topic to Jason's hobbies, the two striking up a conversation about books they both enjoy. The two keep chatting until Alfred appears out of thin air, making Marion jump.

“Dinner is about to be served, I advise you make your way to the dining room,” Alfred tells them before swiftly leaving.

“Witchcraft,” Marion mutters, making Jason laugh.

“Let’s go, trust me you don’t want to miss Alfred's cooking,” Jason leads Marion back to the manor, keeping up their conversation. They reach the dining room to find everyone, including Dick and Tim at the table.

“Where have you two been?” Aunt Selina grins, as they take their seats, Marion next to Marinette, Jason sitting on his other side.

“The gardens, they’re beautiful Alfred,” Marion tells the man, as he places dishes on the table.

“I’m flattered you think so,” Alfred, not the cat, says.

“Noticed you conveniently disappeared,” Marinette whisper-hisses to him. “I get lectured, you get lectured, it’s all about balance,”

“I’ve been lectured enough today,” He whispers back, then even quieter, “Also I don’t think that's what Tikki meant,”

“Pretty sure it is,” Marinette mutters as the last dish is set down and they are told to begin.

Tim and Jason immediately start to fight. Stealing food from each other as the other is about to grab it, only for Damian to steal it from them both. Bruce ignores them only sending a warning glare that the three either didn’t see or chose to ignore.

“I am so sorry about them,” Dick apologies, trying and failing to subtly stop them.

“Hmmm?” Marion hums, swooping in to steal a piece of meat Jason had been about to claim.  

Jason looks shocked at Marion's teasing smirk. It was probably rude, but hey so was stealing food, Marion went straight for a bite without breaking eye contact. That was apparently a declaration of war as the four of them now started thwarting each other. Marion went for the cooked onions, which he hated, just to stop Damian from getting them. The death glare he got in return had no place at a family dinner.

“I’m so sorry about him,” Marinette parrots Dicks words, completely embarrassed.

Dick didn’t seem to mind so much now anyway, watching their antics with fondness. Bruce had even stopped glaring, instead focusing on trying to keep his amusement off his face. Marion pulled the plate out of reach just as Damian and Tim both went for it. Marinette decides to ignore him. She doesn't attempt to join the fray and instead steals food off his plate. Marion pouts that she didn’t take any of the food he dislikes. Dinner continues like that. The four of them fight over food, taking bites in between, usually as taunts. Meanwhile Marinette had a civil conversation with Aunt Selina, Bruce and Dick.

They finished the meal, it being Alfred who put an end to their fighting by sending them back to the living room. Cat-fred was lying by the fire so Marion goes to sit on the floor near him, petting the purring cat. Damian comes to sit next to him on the floor, while everyone else sits on actual furniture. Marinette next to their Aunt on the couch.

“Marinette, Marion what do you for… fun,” Bruce asks, as if fun is a foreign word to him.

“... I like fashion,” Marinette tells him, once it was clear Marion wasn't going to be distracted from Cat-fred for anything.

“Do you know MDC?” Dick asks, with what Marion unfortunately recognises as fanboy gleam in his eye.

“Uh,” Marionette exchanges a glance with Marion. He looks over to their Aunt who just smiles smugly. “I’ve heard of her,”

Marinette replies bashfully, and Marion's evil twin tendencies kick in.

“Heard of her?” Marion exclaims with a fake disbelieving tone, ignoring Marinette trying to shush him, “She’s MDC’s biggest fan, she's memorised every one of her designs, theres posters and articles all over out room, she knows every event coming up and where it will be, attends all of them,”

Marinette glowers at him with outrage. Marion grins back, he wasn’t lying after all.

“Really? That’s great,” Dick, bless his heart, looks genuinely excited.

“Yeah,” Marintte agrees, still glaring at Marion, “But I don’t like MCD, guy seems like a jerk,”

“Thats where you’re wrong,” Jason snatches their attention, “He's a great guy,”

“I’ve got some pretty good evidence to suggest otherwise,” Marinette glances at him again. If it was meant to make him remorseful, it wasnt working.

“He’s an advocate for super heros, he visits children hospital and orphanages for free, has held numerous anti-bullying campaigns, among others, he donates most of his concerts proceeds to the local charities in the city they are held in, also provides work and recognition to new-

“Well, that isn’t all him, MDC is part of all that too,” Marion squeaks out, face completely flushed, probably to the confusion of every other man in the room.

“Yeah but so is he, so I don’t know how you can consider him ‘a jerk’,” Jason seems genuinely offended and Marion has to hide behind Cat-fred to hide his blush.

“Sorry,” Marinette smiles, not at all sorry, with a teasing edge, “Marion is his biggest and I just wanted to rile him up,”

“You are?” Dick asks, all eyes on him.

“No,” Marion pets Cat-fred, unwilling to meet the others' eyes.

“He knows every song, sings them all the time, and don’t get me started on the dances he's always practicing in our room, he goes to every concert, probably the closest to the stage you can be,” Marinette turns his earlier trick back on him.

“Are you going to the concert in Gotham?” Tim breaks Marion's attention away from Marinette's smug grin.

“Yeah we are, it was Marinete's idea, why she insisted on doing the class trip,” Marion throws in.

“That's not true,” Marinette snaps.

This starts a too long conversation, lead by Dick, about why MDC and MCD are worth the trip. The twins have to spend the next, what felt like an eternity, talking about themselves. Their Aunt seems highly entertained watching them blush whenever a compliment was paid. Marinette tries to ask her to help them out by tapping morse code onto her hand. She finally gives into her pleading and tells them they need to get back to the hotel and rest.

“You two are welcome to stay here, I can make the arrangements,” Bruce offers, walking them out to the car.

“Oh, no that's fine thank you,” Marinette blushes, “We should probably stay with the class,”

“Which we have to thank you for as well,” Marion adds, Marinette looks mortified that she forgot to thank him earlier.

“That’s not necessary, I didn’t play any part in the selection process,” Bruce tells them before Marinette can start apologising, “Although I am certainly glad it was your class who was selected,”

“So are we,” Marinette smiles as they reach the car, “Thank you for tonight, dinner was lovely,”

“It was nice having you,” Bruce watches as they climb into the car, Selina taking the wheel, “Make sure you get some rest,”

“Thank you, we will,” Marinette says through the window. Both knowing perfectly well that was a lie.

They are sent off with a wave and watch as the Mansion travels out of sight.

“Thanks for all the help tonight,” Marion leans forward from the back seat.

“What can I say, it was funny,” Selina laughs, Marinette next to her in the front seat.

“It was embarrassing,” Marion groans, still a blushing mess.

“As if no ones ever talked about you in front of you,” Selina drives along quickly, probably faster than the speed limit would like.

“They have,” Marinette agrees, also blushing, “But that was-”

“So much worse,” Marion hides his face in his hands, peeking through his fingers.

“Worse? Or better?” Selina gives him a sly look from the mirror, “Those boys are big fans of yours, especially Jason,”

“Stooop, I’ve had enough teasing today,” Marion flops across the back seat.

“About what?” Marion realises it was a mistake, letting his Aunt in on gossip.

“Nothing,” Marinette’s tone suggest it was definitely not nothing, “Just ran into his crush for the first time today,”

“Why do you feel the need to hurt me this way,” Marion laments dramatically, making their Aunt laugh.

“Who is it,” She asks Marinette, ignoring him.

“What's the worst way to meet someone?” Marinette asks instead.

“I’d say- wait… Red Hood?” She turns back to him, looking away from the road, much to Marinette’s alarm.

Marion pulls his hood up and over his eyes with a nod. She bursts out laughing.

“Oh of all the-” She shakes her head looking back to the road, “Don’t worry kitten, that's definitely not the worst way to meet someone- I’d know,”

“Not even if you’re wearing his outfit?” Marion says miserably, glaring more than staring out the window as buildings go by.

“Trust me, not the worst thing you could be wearing,” She reaches back to give him a comforting pat on the shoulder, “Is this why you stepped in today?”

“No,” Marion frowns at her, once again, teasing tone, “It was just the right thing to do,”

“Hmmm, I feel it’s probably not the best example to agree with you,” She hums, turning a corner, “But, I��m glad your first instinct was to help people,”

“So-”

“And no, you can not bring that up next time you get in trouble,” She cuts Marinette off, pulling over in front of the hotel, “Now go straight upstairs and get some sleep,”

“Yes Auntie,” They both say mischievously, jumping out of the car leaving her with a suspicious glare.

They wave goodbye, planning to go straight to the roof. They don’t even get off the elevator before Marinette is giving Marion her scarf to turn inside out into a mask.

[r6shippingdelivery]

headcannons for hobbies? Like what they do on their off time?

Hi nonnie! I actually did a Hobbies HC for “all” ops a long time ago. But seeing that was before the expanded bios, and it only reached up to Gridlock and Mozzie, I’d say it’s time for an updated version, don’t you say? 

Some of the answers are unchanged from the old post, because I already nailed it or the new info didn’t disprove my ideas. But I had to revise a lot of the answers I gave the first time around! In order to find their hobbies and/or get a glimpse of their lives beyond Rainbow and what they might like, I read all the bios, and looked up concept art, and elites, and past battlepass content, etc. And when none of that was enough, I just went with my gut instinct 😂 Thank you to @grain-crain-drain, @dagoth-menthol & @todragonsart for bouncing ideas with me when I was stuck! 💕

Hobbies Headcanons for ALL ops (up to Neon Dawn)

FBI

- Ash: According to her savta, shooting things is not a hobby, but Ash disagrees. And since according to her expanded bio she knows Hebrew, Arabic, English, French and Greek, I’m willing to bet she enjoys learning languages as well. - Thermite: He grew up on a ranch and loves riding. He’s also taken an interest in improving gadgets it seems, so my old proposal that he dabbles in forging/smithing stuff seems plausible. And based on this concept art, demolition derbies attending and maybe even competing himself too? - Pulse: He’s interested in a variety of topics and goes through phases of intense, nearly obsessive focus, until something else captures his attention. He still has a lingering fondness for building muscle cars, since it was something he used to do with his father. And like Thermite and Hibana, it seems he might enjoy demolition derbies. - Castle: He’s a language nerd, studying/reading/practicing new languages is his hobby for sure. Since the expanded bio says he rescues abused dogs, I don’t think it would be far fetched he volunteered at animal shelters too.

SAS

- Thatcher: Aside from repairing his boat, The Iron Maggie, he also enjoys fishing. He used to do that with his dad & brothers, and tried to take the rest of the SAS fishing as a bonding experience. It didn’t go very well - Sledge: He plays rugby, and has an inexplicable fondness of trying the wildest ideas that tend to end with something broken, be it one of his bones or a structure or wall (just read his extended psychological profile and you’ll see, lmao) - Smoke: Boxing, it helps him focus all his chaotic energy. And chemistry in general, it’s not just a hobby but a passion of his. - Mute: he enjoys tinkering with stuff, taking it apart and then putting it back together in a different way, just to see if he can improve it or make it work in his own way. Flying drones plays perfectly into that, with the added bonus of being able to do the flying part just for fun too.

GIGN

- Montagne: His main passion is working with people, teaching and mentoring others, and therefore when he’s not on duty, his main passtime still is mingling with people and getting to know them. I could see him making overtures with Castle, interested in the American and fascinated by his knowledge of various languages, an area Monty feels insecure about due to only knowing French and English.  - Twitch: Engineering, robotics and developing an empathic AI is her life.Twitch is a workaholic passionate about those topics. She also greatly enjoys traveling and, according to her expanded bio, people watching.  - Doc: He surely had some hobby at one point, but he can’t remember it, or the last time he had free time for it. Doc is also a workaholic, although one that loves to complain about it.  - Rook: Apparently he’s passionate about cycling, auto racing, and rock concerts. Mainly cycling though, since he dropped out of university to cycle around France.

Spetsnaz

- Tachanka: He collects and repairs old weapons. Mostly soviet, but he has some interesting pieces from other countries too. And he dances surprisingly well.  - Kapkan: Aside from a certain interest in psychology, his main hobby is hunting, of course. But he also whittles and carves wooden figurines.  - Glaz: Quite obviously, painting. He’s an artist, and quite a good one. He also likes playing cards, especially poker. - Fuze: He builds new weapon prototypes for fun. And tests them, if he can convince Six of it. He also likes to bake from time to time, a skill he learnt thanks to his grandma - and because he has a sweet tooth.

GSG9

- Jäger: Planes. Model planes, repairing old WWI & II planes, you name it. And watching copious amounts of documentaries.  - Bandit: His bike is his main hobby, both taking care of it and riding it. He also likes playing pool; and, if pranking people counts as a hobby, that’s his oldest one, dating from when he was a kid. - Blitz: He was and still is an athlete at heart, and Blitz loves running. - IQ: In order to disconnect from engineering pursuits, she indulges in rock climbing, spelunking, and writing science fiction stories.

JTF2

- Buck: He crafts mechanical puzzles, and enjoys all kinds of physical activity that can take place outdoors. - Frost: She just loves being surrounded by nature, and often goes mountain climbing or diving.

SEAL

- Valkyrie: Swimming and diving, of course! She wanted to be a professional swimmer, but now it’s just a hobby. And apparently she enrolled for a helicopter pilot license, and language classes. - Blackbeard: According to the expanded bios, he likes sailing and even participated in a championship. And since he climbed Mount Everest, it’s safe to say he also likes mountain climbing.

BOPE

- Capitao: He loves football, playing or watching it, doesn’t matter, he’s all for it. - Caveira: Spends a lot of time practicing Jiu Jitsu, in the gym and also on unofficial tournaments.

SAT

- Hibana: For her it’s traditional Japanese archery (Kyūdō). And probably demolition derbies too accounting that concept art from before with Thermite and Pulse. - Echo: According to the expanded bio, he has few interests outside work, but I always imagined he’d be into gaming and e-sports. Hacking too, and that’s a direct influence from Dokkaebi.

GEO

- Jackal: He plays the acoustic guitar/spanish guitar, and sings too. And now we also know he volunteers with at-risk youth. - Mira: Fixing cars is second nature to her, and thanks to her expanded bio we know she also does metal sculptures that incorporate used mechanical parts.

SDU

- Ying: Extreme driving, which can sometimes trigger her PTSD, and traveling. Especially exploring cities by randomly jumping in public transport and just going anywhere. - Lesion: He is also one to volunteer in underprivileged areas (like Junk Bay, where he grew up), and clearing mines and other unexploded devices. I also imagine him with a certain gusto for playing blackjack.

GROM

- Zofia: If obsessing about her father’s supposed suicide and the oddities surrounding it, and desperately trying to reconnect with her sister count as hobbies, sure, she has those. - Ela: She’s also an artist, one with a very particular vision that some have called narcissistic. Apparently she also does some “freelance” volunteer work, roaming the streets at night and offering help/comfort, or a willing ear to the people she meets.

707SMB

- Vigil: He likes to take walks around the forest, just aimless exploring and marvelling at nature and any animals he might come across. Often listens to relaxing music while doing so, and he might pick a pretty rock here and there to bring home. - Dokkaebi: Hacking is her hobby, of course. She also has several social media profiles and is an active member in a couple of hacking forums. As per a previous battlepass, I believe she enjoys mountain trekking too. And dancing to electro beat, due to her elite.

CBRN

- Lion: His rebel years left him with an appreciation for rock music and a dream to be in a group. Lion still plays the electric guitar, when he’s not off volunteering at the local church. - Finka: Pushed by her parents from a young age to try different sports, just like her siblings, she eventually discovered a strong love for fencing and ice-skating.

GIS

- Maestro: Cooking, and boxing, an interest he shares with Smoke. But mostly cooking. - Alibi: She’s also a marksman, engages Ash in friendly shooting competitions.

GSUTR

- Clash: She’s very involved in different activist causes, mostly surrounding racial issues and inequality. - Maverick: Photography, mostly nature or candid shots of his fellow operators. I also think he likes horses and riding. And Buzkashi of course, but he hasn’t played since he left Kabul.

GIGR

- Kaid: Playing chess, he’s a good strategist and it shows. And  while dozing off with a cat on his lap is not a hobby, he also loves that. - Nomad: Traveling to all sorts of remote locations, she’s an explorer with a thirst to prove herself. She also keeps a travel journal, which includes maps and some drawings of the places she’s seen.

SASR

- Mozzie: Dirt biking, of course. The more dangerous the jumps and stunts are, the more he likes it. He knows his limits and works to surpass them. - Gridlock: Robotics. She still wants to compete again in robot championships, just like she and Mozzie did so many years ago. She would consider that fixing cars and vehicles has become more part of her job than a hobby, but still loves it too.

Phantom Sight

- Nokk: Fencing, as evidenced by some of her concept art, she participated in fencing tournaments. - Warden: He knows appearances are important, and he cultivated a very specific image, so he likes to take care of that, be it by buying luxury or antique cars, or designer suits, etc.

Ember Rise

- Amaru: Archeology and exploring the Amazon jungle is her passion. It used to be her whole life and job, but since she joined Rainbow, she’s been busy with training and missions, yet she never lost her love for adventure, history and protecting her country’s cultural artifacts. - Goyo: He’s a really good chess player, and enjoys other games where he either has to think, or his usual poker face and calm demeanor can throw his opponents off.

Shifting Tides

- Kali: When she’s not writing reports about her underlings progress, or making lists about who should be ascended/rewarded, who needs to be punished or chastised, etc, she’ll be doing yoga, since it helps her focus. Or hardcore pilates when she needs to burn away some frustration first. - Wamai: Diving and being underwater in general, be it on his special immersion tanks or on the actual sea, it doesn’t matter. He finds it calming (and he’s addicted to the anoxia sensation)

Void Edge

- Iana: Space exploration fascinates her, and she’s always trying to learn everything she can about the cosmos, watching documentaries and conducting her own in-depth research. - Oryx: Wrestling helps him hone his physical prowess, and it’s also a measured outlet for his deep seated rage. He also greatly enjoys reading poetry.

Steel Wave

- Melusi: She’s committed to the conservation cause, which stems from both her love of wildlife and nature, and her protective instincts. She likes to explore too, although she’s not driven by a will to prove herself or reach certain goals, but simply for the joy of seeing natural spaces. - Ace: Social Media. He’s obsessed with his public image and popularity. While he travels quite a bit, it seems he does it more to share new and exciting selfies on Instagram than for the pleasure of visiting new places.

Shadow Legacy

- Zero: He knits and crochets, it’s an engaging hobby that helps him clear his mind, plus he enjoys making stuff too. Not many people know about this side of him though. 

Neon Dawn

- Aruni: She and Hero, her giant pouched rat, volunteer on landmine detection and removal efforts. She also likes to travel extensively, and has done so in the company of Twitch and Nomad.

[stuckinapatriarchalbullshitland]

🙂 - ɟ

Hiii babies and dear Anons 👋🏼🤗 Here’s another post with the answers to the asks Mari sent me. Enjoy 🙃

 Hi @sawwyouuinadream 👋🏼😄 I’ve already talked about how C exaggerated for the sake of the songs in my ‘💭- ɟ’ post (8th question) [click on the #f anon of this post to see all my others]. As for the rest, you need to understand the difference between our normal life and theirs, especially when they were in the group. You can’t compare your life and what you would do with your girlfriend in their place simply because they’re completely different things. Any parent of famous artists who gets the chance to spend time with their child when they can, seizes the opportunity. I saw it with 5H, I saw it and keep seeing it with Ari, I saw it in Taylor’s documentary, and many others. But not all artists have this luck.

5H were far from home, always around the world, without parents most of the time, and with fans who recognized them. Unlike the other parents who didn’t always have the opportunity to be with them because of work, the most present were Sinu, papa H (Jerry, Ally’s dad), and mama Dre (Andrea, Normani’s mom; as much as Sinu and continued as Sinu even after the hiatus). The only difference is that Camila suffers from depression and variants of OCD (diagnosed in 2015) and for these reasons, Sinu has always tried to be as present as possible. She only became a regular presence after C’s explosion in early September 2016. And, honestly? I don’t know where Camila would be without her mom. I don’t think she could have gotten through most of the things. I don’t think she would be in the industry anymore.

Now, I’d like to remind you of something else: we only see 5/10% of their lives. And that 5/10%, is ONLY what they want to show. You said that Sinu always accompanied C on dates? That’s not true. We saw Sinu with them a couple of times when they went shopping, once for dinner at Katsuya’s, and once at the beach in Australia. And these are literally only five times in what, four years that C was in 5H? Do you really think those were their only dates? Or that those can even be called dates and not just spending time with the mother-in-law? Come on. Try to look at it differently. Try to look at it from a broader perspective. Try to look at the big picture.

I send you a hug 🤗

 No, dear Anon. Lauren was together with Camila. That whole conversation was based on Camila teasing Lauren. That episode was another confirmation for me regarding their first kiss. Lauren answering “Kind of” because Camila literally nearly passed out from nervousness is one of the things that amuses me the most.

Oh and, dear Anon? Bread Simplified, aka I don’t know what lips are, was just another one of her PRs. I don’t know how this is still something to doubt about. 75/80% of all Hollywood couples are fake, and as I said earlier, we only see 5/10% of what they want to show us about their lives. I’ve said this before and will write it again: “Any PR relationship involving Camren is simply this: fake, and for publicity and narrative purposes”. Real relationships, dear Anon, are not public ones. They’re the ones we don’t see.

 I’m still a little bit confused about your ask actually if I have to be honest, dear Anon. I’ll answer based on what I understood.

None of the five of them are with Syco Music anymore because it has integrated with Sony Music Entertainment and therefore doesn’t exist anymore.

Only Camila and Lauren are with Syco Entertainment simply because only the two of them were asked to sign. Simon never cared about the group per se. He wanted Lauren and Camila from the start and he got them. He created an opportunity to prepare them for that world and for their eventual solo careers. How? By creating 5H. By creating three products (C, L, and 5H) at once that would make him money.

 Because, dear Anon, as twisted as it sounds, it’s part of their publicity. I’ll explain myself better. Camren sells. From the beginning. A large part of the 5H fans became their fans BECAUSE of Camren. The labels still use them when needed. For labels, it’s okay to get people talking. It’s okay to get them to speculate, take their name out there, create buzz, create gossip, everything’s okay, EXCEPT confirming it. The important thing is the publicity. The important thing is to sell what they want to sell, and many times, they use Camren to do it. And it works. It works EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Plus, I think both C&L also had fun doing it to “keep the boat afloat”. More in the past than now tho.

I know about the rest of the pictures because it was said a while back by a guy who said he was yet another ‘insider’, dear Anon. This guy even published an email that was supposed to be from 2017 from TMZ to Roger in which they were supposed to have a meeting to discuss the extension of the agreement made not to publish the dossier. It’s actually old news, and it indeed seems strange to me that you’re only finding out now 🙃 Has anyone ever talked about it here on Tumblr?

But anyway. That he was an insider, I have my serious doubts. That the email picture was specially created, perhaps by him himself, I’m sure of it because it looks more fake than a plastic flower. That TMZ actually has a dossier on them, is very likely because this is another one of the many ways paparazzi agencies make money.

Dear Anon, I guess this ask of yours is due to your reading of my last post. If you’ve read it, then you have also read the sentence that I will now copy: “Everyone’s ready to point the finger when they don’t even know what is really going on behind the scenes”. You’re doing the same thing. You’re doing the same thing because all I see here is Roger did this and Roger did that, but you don’t know that. You don’t know why he did certain things. You don’t know why he didn’t do certain things. You don’t know why he handled some things in one way and some things in another. You know nothing, yet you’re pointing the finger.

I understand that you’re speaking based on what you see, believe me, I understand, but you’re judging without knowing. We know this PR is for Skittles, so what do you know if the deals made were exactly for Roger to promote him more? What do you know if the deals made were exactly for Roger to do or not do certain things? And more importantly, what do you know that Roger no longer has Camila’s best interests at heart? Just because of this show? Come on!

I’ll try to be clearer this time because I’ve noticed that many, like you, didn’t get the big picture of my last post. The labels decide everything. Camila can choose certain things, propose ideas, and be more liberally creative, but she doesn’t have the last word. If Camila comes up with the idea for a video she wants to make, but the labels don’t like it, then she can’t make that video. If Camila wants to perform a song in a certain way, but the labels don’t approve of a thing, then Camila has to change that thing in order to perform it. If the labels say no, then it’s no. Periodt.

Camila accepted the PR. COVID has changed things. She couldn’t expect such a thing. Hell, none of us could have expected a worldwide pandemic. But things turned out this way, and now she’s miserable. The choice she had initially made has backfired on her, and there’s nothing she can do to change that because it’s a legally binding contract. Neither she nor Roger, whom I remind you is also an attorney, can do anything about it.

I made this little scene for you. I hope that with this, you’ll see things a little more clearly.

*During the meeting*

“And that’s the idea” Roger says as Simon continues to look at the various set designs and documents by nodding

“So.. what do you think?” Camila asks anxiously and with a small hopeful smile

“I think we only need to change a couple of things, but for the rest, everything’s fine” Simon replies

“Really?” Camila asks excitedly

“Yes, really” Simon replies with a chuckle due to her enthusiasm “Good job, Camilla”

“Yay!” Camila cheers towards Roger. She’s too happy to care about the cringe due to the mispronunciation of her name. She’s used to hearing him call her that for years now.

“What are the changes you were referring to?” Roger asks him

“Oh, you know, this and this” Simon replies, turning the set designs towards them “It’s a little too…”   “Gay?” Camila asks with a laugh, finishing his sentence

“We knew, but she wanted to try anyway” Roger says, indicating Camila with his palm “So, by changing those two things, we’re ready to go? We’re gonna shoot the video in a week”

“Yes, I approve. Everything’s all right” Simon says, handing the set designs back

“Thanks, Simon” Camila says, getting up together with Roger ready to leave the room

“Oh and, Camilla? Remember what we talked about” Simon tells her as soon as she gets to the door

“But-”   “Remember what we agreed on” Simon says, interrupting her

With a sigh, Camila nods and turns to look at Roger who smiles at her sympathetically. With another sigh, this time of acceptance and determination, Camila positions herself behind Roger, who’s bending his knees to get down and is bringing his torso forward.

“Um.. what exactly are you two doing?” Simon asks, confused and curious at the same time

“When you tell me to jump, I ask you ‘how high?’, right?” Camila answers him as she climbs on Roger’s back

Simon nods with an even more puzzled expression.

“I’m helping her jump from higher” Roger explains to him

*the end*

This is just a silly example, but I hope it helped you understand the dynamics better. I also copied and pasted another piece of my previous post as a reminder: “If Roger does certain things that you may not like at first glance, before accusing him, please wait. Wait till you see why he’s doing what he’s doing, and then if you really don’t like it, then point the finger. But if you have to do it for no good reason, then don’t. You’d only going to look worse after. Same thing for Camila. They have a reason for doing what they do, so just wait before speaking and judging.”

Have a great day too, dear 😊

 I don’t think you’re gonna like my analysis, dear Anon, but you asked for it, so here it is.

I’d like to start by saying that Thinkin’ Bout One is a half-demo. It’s not a completed song and it’s from ‘The Hurting. The Healing. The Loving.’ era, so even before the album title changed to ‘Camila’. I’m talking about the very beginning. When Havana wasn’t even remotely ready to be complete, or recorded if that’s why. When I Have Questions had just been recorded or was about to be recorded. I’m talking about the end of 2016.

The demo is pretty messed up because there is no intro, verses, pre-chorus, chorus, etc., like in a normal song. The quality and the way the demo is structured reminds me a lot of the GarageBand Camila times. To be honest, I think that’s how it was recorded. I think Camila created the demo on her own and then she abandoned it once she started recording other songs that would adapt and fit in the true direction of the album.

The reason I said I don’t think you’re gonna like my analysis is because this song, it’s not about Lauren. I have reason to think this song is for someone else, but without dwelling on that, I’ll explain why in my opinion it’s not about Lauren through my interpretation.

“Where you at

Come baby show me where you at

Finally got time off work

Tryina disappear off the map with ya

What’s love gotta do with it

This my vacation time

Bathin suits and tan line

Thirst trap for your timeline”

Camila is asking this somebody where they are. Camila was still working with Lauren in 2016. She knew where Lauren was because she was with her, this somebody wasn’t. She’s asking them to meet and spend those days she had free together. She’s asking them to go together to a place where they could be off the radar. A place with a warm climate. And she’s not asking them to see it as a romantic getaway, but just as a vacation. Love was the last of her thoughts given what she was going through with Lauren that year.

“Num num num num num

Pass the henny not the rum

I go num num num num num

If I decide to give you sum

Talkin talkin talkin

All this time that we been rockin

Hey”

“Sip a lil this

Sip a little that

Now this ain’t nothin but a fact

I need you come and take control”

This vacation that Camila proposes also included alcohol and other activities, if you know what I mean. I’ll explain the slang she uses here to indicate those two very things.

In case you didn’t know, num is the slang for making out. Henny is the slang for Hennessy, which is a brand of cognac. It’s used a lot together with coke for a simple two-ingredient cocktail, and indeed, Camila specifies that she prefers henny over rum (rum and coke) in her simple two-ingredient cocktail. Sum is the slang for some. Now that you know, I believe you can put the pieces together and better understand the puns she used here.

And that’s all. There’s nothing about Lauren for me. There’s nothing deep about it. Just another distraction. And for me, for my timeline, this event happened during the 7/27 tour break. The break that lasted from July 6 to 26 before starting the North American part.

Hello to you too dear Anon 😄 No, I personally don’t think those scenes represent her experiences exactly as they happened. I think she and Dave (Meyers) represented her experience in a cinematic and straight way, but with symbols that represented Lauren.

For example, the fact that Dylan plays the piano is to represent an artist, aka music, aka Lauren. The flower on the back of his shirt in the kiss scene: Lauren. The book’s scene you mentioned? The scene is represented in winter with snow, yet in her memory, they’re both represented dressed in a light way, aka ‘In Miami, where winters are hot’ (Sangria Wine’s verse 2) [or even in L.A. since the winter climate is much more similar to the spring one]. They both like to read, so the book was a perfect clue. Alcohol and fights were represented in a much stronger way than I think they happened in reality because we all know that Lauren is not a violent person. The moon? There’s not even the need to explain it. Oh and, the fact that she’s holding hands with herself at the end of the video is also a representation of what we saw in the Havana music video. The “I do love you. But I love me more” that we saw there. With that scene at the end of the Consequences music video, Camila shows us that she has finally managed to love herself.

So dear Anon, to me, that video is just an artistic representation of how things went. And thanks. I hadn’t watched that video in a long time, but I went to re-watch it for you, so thank you, dear 🥰

🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍

Aaand I’m done 😄 I hope I was helpful in this case too. As always, I’m available for those who have questions, so feel free to ask 😊 Thanks once again to you for asking me and Mari for making this exchange possible 😍

As usual, remember to be kind, to others and to yourself. Be a good example. Be patient. Be safe and take care of yourselves. I send you virtual love and hugs 🤗🤗🤗 I love you, babies. Always with love, F ❤️

___

This was awesome, thanks again F. BTW, the marks on the asks is a small detail I couldn’t erase but you can read them anyway, so sorry bout that.

[forevercloudnine]

new 52 riddlebat ship meme

(@heroes-etc picked me out a lot of questions and we’re still going. This set is from this ship meme.)

1. Who makes the first move and how?

Ostensibly it would be Edward, if putting together a subtext-laden citywide scavenger hunt that threatens the lives of hundreds counts as “making the first move.” But there’s a limit to how much deliberately obfuscating any expression of your feelings can be considered making any move at all. He also doesn’t seem to really know what he wants from Bruce — in “Alone,” he’s quick to say that he designed the puzzles to lead Batman to him on purpose, but doesn’t have an answer when questioned on what he wanted Batman to do other than catch him.

So even though Edward is technically the instigator here, he places the burden of actually doing something entirely on Batman. Which is difficult, because Riddler’s increased brutality in the New 52 makes him like the last possible version of the character Bruce would choose to pursue. BUT Scott Snyder made Batjokes practically text in this continuity, so obviously New 52 Bruce does not have a problem getting overly emotionally involved with supervillains who have unrealistically large body counts. In fact, the brutality may work to Edward’s advantage here; if he caused enough damage, maybe Bruce would kidnap him and keep him in the Batcave the way it was revealed he was keeping the Joker in Dark Days: The Casting #1. 

What could be more romantic than being imprisoned in the batcave? Well, probably a lot of things, really. But in this case, having a lot of quality time together in which Riddler is not actively murdering anyone is probably the only way that these two could work out what they have going on between them. 

Edward could also earn his way down there by figuring out Batman’s identity, which he’s clearly pretty close to in Batman Annual #4. There’s only so much mental distance between “Bruce Wayne is obsessed with the death of his parents and his drive for justice and revenge has led him to bring Batman into existence, making him responsible for everything Batman has ever done” and “Bruce Wayne IS Batman,” especially when Bruce Wayne does things like climb museum exhibits to leave through the skylight or pull off a trickshot that ruins Riddler’s whole evil plan directly in front of Edward’s face.

And if he DID figure it out, New 52 Riddler would probably be less courteous about its secrecy than Joker is. (Not that Joker is THAT polite about it, given that he keeps trying to use the information to either kill Bruce’s whole family, or... I don’t know... whatever he did with Wayne Enterprises in Joker War. Wait, is THAT why Bruce was keeping Joker in the Batcave in Rebirth?) 

So just to review, I am *checks notes* arguing that Bruce would instigate a romantic relationship by kidnapping Edward and imprisoning him against his will. Yes, that sounds about right for DC’s current continuity.

6. Who would they ask if they ever had a threesome?

If Riddler DOESN’T know Batman’s secret identity, then he would want to have a threesome with Bruce Wayne. Batman Annual #4 suggests that he might have already been a bit obsessed with Bruce even before suspecting his involvement with Batman, given that he talks about how watching Bruce in the tabloids growing up was everyone’s “favorite tv show” and reminisces about learning a lot of information about Bruce’s life that way, including stuff that wouldn’t have made it to the news, like Bruce anonymously setting his teacher’s yard on fire as a teenager.

It’s actually almost a Batman Forever vibe, or it would be if New 52 Edward wasn’t so much less endearing. Is his childhood fascination with Bruce part of why he got a job working for Bruce’s uncle at Wayne Enterprises as an adult, or was that just a happy accident in his preparations for Zero Year? Either way, he’s clearly obsessed with Bruce now, and he’s definitely under the impression that Batman knows him well. So as long as he didn’t know they were the same person, he would probably try to arrange a ménage à trois (wouldn’t that be awkward).

If he DID know they were the same person, then unfortunately Edward would definitely try and instigate a threesome with Joker. I’m not saying it would work, I’m just saying that all of the War of Jokes and Riddles reads like Edward trying to insert himself in the middle of Batjokes and getting rejected by both of them repeatedly.

Joker wasn’t interested the first time Riddler came on to him (or the second time, literally in the same office, Edward please learn how to read a room), so he probably wouldn’t go for it if Edward tried again. But if The War and Jokes and Riddles demonstrated anything, it’s that Edward doesn’t know how to take a hint, so he’d probably try again regardless. And then blame Bruce when it doesn’t work, probably. I always thought it was dumb when Riddler hyped up the oh-so-horrible thing that Batman did to him in the War of Jokes and Riddles in Batman #19, only for it to turn out that Bruce just, like... almost stabbed him.... but didn’t. After Riddler had ALREADY betrayed him.

But it makes more sense that Edward is being such a dramatic bitch if you’re instead interpreting “I still remember what he did” as just a summary of the conga line of rejection that Riddler received over the course of that arc from both sides of Batjokes.

(TWOJAR as helpfully summarized by @heroes-etc​)

11. What do they hide from one another?

I don’t think they can really hide anything from each other, actually. I mean there’s the obvious “Batman is hiding his secret identity” and “Riddler is hiding evil scheme of the week #39.” But Bruce is the “World’s Greatest Detective” as per usual, and Edward is actually not that far behind him in this continuity (even if his delusions can cause him to project and misinterpret his findings, i.e. assuming that Bruce purposefully went bankrupt so that Riddler and the other Arkhamites would have to live in Wayne Manor and be reminded of him every second of every day). Batman Annual #4 has a great example of this where Edward reveals that he knows about how Bruce tried to treat his paranoid vigilante compulsions with shock therapy when he was a teenager. No one but Alfred and the doctors know about that — and I’m just assuming that Alfred knew, it’s not something that was stated in Zero Year.

Bruce obviously solves pretty much every riddle that Edward puts in front of him, but he picks up on the stuff that Riddler is purposefully trying to obscure too. Whether he was researching Edward ahead of time (likely) or just so good at snap psychoanalysis he should have a job at Arkham (possible, Zero Year was written by Scott Snyder), his summary of Edward’s life during their first interaction as Batman and Riddler in Batman #31 is clearly too accurate for Edward’s comfort, as it ruins what had previously been excitement on Riddler’s part that Batman was still alive. 

So good luck to both of them at hiding absolutely anything from each other. The best they can hope for is if WHEN the other person finds what they’ve been hiding, they misinterpret either the information or the reason why it was hidden from them in the first place. Both of them are always willing to jump to the worst case scenario (which, given who they’re dealing with, fair enough), so I’m sure the resulting miscommunication would be both extremely entertaining and highly likely to lead to city-wide destruction.

27. Why do their friends get annoyed with them?

Does New 52 Riddler even have friends? He and Scarecrow claim to have respect for each other in Detective Comics ft. Scarecrow #23.3, but it’s in the context of Scarecrow lying and manipulating all the rogues in the lead up to Forever Evil, and it comes about three panels after Riddler passive aggressively mocks Jonathan’s childhood trauma at the hands of his “daddy.” (Rude, Edward. Rude and gross.)

If they are friends, then the reasons why Riddler dating Scarecrow’s arch nemesis would annoy Jonathan are pretty self-explanatory. Also Edward is clearly the kind of person who would taunt the rest of the Arkhamites with any privileges earned/information gleaned from getting closer to the Bat. When I was younger my mother would always warn me not to waste emotional energy on girls who ditch their friends to prioritize their relationship as soon as they get a new boyfriend. Well, Riddler is that girl.

Bruce’s friends and family obviously also have nearly infinite reasons to be annoyed with Bruce for dating a supervillain (shoutout to Duke Thomas, who was unfortunate enough to have Riddler’s Zero Year during the most formative time of his childhood), but Barbara Gordon would doubtlessly be more pissed than most. Riddler deciding that he’s in love with Batgirl out of the blue (despite them never having met before?) when he finds out that Batman’s marrying Catwoman was already irritating, but I can only imagine how much MORE annoying it would be in the context of Riddler later hooking up with Batman.

If Barbara ever found out about them hooking up, she would immediately have war flashbacks to Batman: Prelude to the Wedding pt. 3. She has a great memory so unfortunately she probably has perfect recall of having to spend an entire evening listening to a pre-recorded monologue of Riddler philosophizing about why he’s not bitter that Batman and Catwoman are getting married and how he’s still straight even though he’s never felt lasting attraction to a woman. And then she would rightfully go apeshit.

29. Why do they fall a little bit more in love?

Thinking of how this question could possibly be answered from Bruce’s perspective made me laugh out loud, which is probably not a good sign given that I’m 4/5 of the way through writing a ship meme for him and Edward. But Riddler is just. So much in the New 52. Okay, I’m taking it seriously now. WHY DOES HE FALL MORE IN LOVE. Well, the fastest way to Bruce’s heart (other than being an attractive woman with dark hair, green eyes, and ambiguous morals) is to assist him in his crusade against crime. While that doesn’t initially seem like something Edward would do (as we see in Batgirl vs. Riddler, he seems to think the key to romance is “mixtapes”), he does go out of his way to give Bruce information about a Gotham-wide criminal conspiracy in Batman Eternal #39. He doesn’t appreciate that Batman’s current opponent is actively trying to wear him down — he wants to fight the Bat at his best, when he can think clearly. So he gives Bruce information he needs to solve the mystery.

Edward seems to also be under the impression that this would endear him to Batman, because he gives Batman a series of riddles that lead Bruce right to him so that they can talk in person. And then gets very surprised when Bruce subsequently arrests him. You’re still a criminal, Edward. This is like the first favor you’ve ever done him. Do it a dozen more times and then MAYBE you’ll start getting the free passes he’s been handing out to Harley and Ivy. But Bruce DOES save him from an avalanche after this, even though in the past Bruce has left him to die out of apathy (The War of Jokes and Riddles) or actively tried to kill him (also The War of Jokes and Riddles). So Edward IS winning him over, just very, very slowly.

Riddler pretty obviously just enjoys having someone to talk to that he feels is “on his level.” Even though he’s already arranged for Bruce Wayne’s assassination by the first time they meet in Batman #39, he obviously enjoys conversing with someone who can and will unravel his riddles and double meanings, to the point that afterwards he musingly wishes that they’d have an opportunity to talk again. Obviously they do, but it’s no thanks to Riddler. You can just NOT assassinate someone if you think they’re hot, Edward.

It’s what seemingly endears him to Batman too (at least, until Bruce ruins the mood by calling him an attention whore in front of all of Gotham). Though it’s basically always bad news for him, Edward clearly enjoys any time that Bruce or Batman exhibits his intelligence.