forgottenyear

[forgottenyear]

i did not sleep last night

i last woke here but here was not where i expected to wake

it took a while to reorient myself

--

i cannot concentrate on where i expected to wake

it leaves me sick to my stomach

--

the words go wrong from here

so i will stop writing

[forgottenyear]

i do not like the negative turn i have taken

negative is not something i choose to be

and i desperately need to be what i have chosen

if i turn negative in response to the world

then i give that choice to the world

and in the giving

i would blame the world for having taken it from me

--

i feel desperate

desperate to be the me that i have chosen

but i have felt a loss of agency

and i have blamed other parts for taking this from me

i honestly have no indication they want anything to do with who i choose to be

i have not looked at did through this lens before

[forgottenyear]

i feel mixed up

or pureed

or one of the blender options

it is not that i cannot name my emotions

but that they are bunched up tsunami-style

the tide goes way out until the ocean is no longer near the shore

and then it comes in until it sweeps everything into a homogenized stew of chaos and devastation

i feel profoundly wrong

and intense shame

for being

just being

[forgottenyear]

[tw: csa] [implied only]

--

i was lazing in bed today (sunday) having just woken from a nap

i could smell something like a doggy bag of fried seafood

and i could feel cold plastic auto upholstery against naked skin

--

i feel so much shame and confusion over this

and so much more for having written it even only this far

i would rather delete and forget

but i have learned that i tolerate and forget more than i previously realized

--

there was something else to say about this

but it has been lost in the fog

[forgottenyear]

i still feel like did is matter of choice

like it is just a fantasy i have taken beyond reason

a theory that sort of resembles an explanation for my being

an allegorical creation story

never to be taken literally

i feel like an early scientist / natural philosopher

hobbled by the overarching authority of religion

trying to understand the nature of my internal universe

without committing heresies

my former therapist said it was so

and i do not want to undermine my subtle deification of them

i wish i never learned about did

i would prefer some questions remain unanswered

i would prefer the tangled wreckage of the past to be forgotten because it escapes reason

--

i intended for this blog to be a roadmap for healthy recovery

instead it has become a place i go to whine and whinge

[forgottenyear]

while the diagnosis of gender identity confusion no may longer be in the diagnostic manual

it kind of applies tonight

i am ill-equipped to make sense of what i feel

or to what extent these are my feelings

or even if these feelings pertain to gender or maybe to stereotypes instead

i am physically exhausted and my partner has reverted to old behavior

stressors are not in short supply

so gender is not a high priority issue

or maybe it is a distraction

--

i am sure i have written about how i feel like a male impersonator

and not a very good one

it is surprisingly easy to be seen as male

especially as it is surprisingly difficult to be accepted as male

i can bs maleness but not for long

it takes only a little while for me to betray my not-maleness

(my white cane has made this a tiny little while)

--

not-maleness can sometimes be an advantage

not-males can move laterally and mostly unseen

so long as they do not present as a threat to the hierarchy

the unfused part as protector has exploited this advantage before

--

i should try to sleep before sunrise

sometimes sleep is the best solution to problems

[forgottenyear]

it takes me about a week to recover from shoveling out from a snow

for what feels like over a month we have had two snows a week

this week has been the first exception (only one)

but next week promises a return to the pattern

the last year we were stuck in this pattern

i was in the second semester of my return to college

i was also in better condition

[forgottenyear]

it has been nearly two years but i really miss my kitten

she was a full-grown cat but always tiny like a kitten

she was unbearably cute

we used to play "where's Helen?"

it started as peek-a-boo in a cupboard

but she did not like the door to be closed

so she would go into the cupboard facing the back

and i would say "where's Helen?" until she turned around

and then i would exclaim "there she is! there's Helen!"

and she would chirp with excitement

we would do this several times before she would get bored

i was never entirely sure if i was playing this game for her enjoyment

or if she was playing this game for my enjoyment

and maybe it was a little of each

[forgottenyear]

i can quote lines verbatim from shows watched before we were five

and the mother says i did not talk until a month or so before entering kindergarten (and then spoke in complete sentences)

[forgottenyear]

i cannot remember if i posted about this before

i remember shows that we watched before our fifth birthday with a surprising degree of detail

i know i was there at least co-fronting (which strengthens my belief that i am the child part)

from the first frame of a scene

i can already recognize what will happen

and i can often quote lines verbatim

from episodes i saw only once and decades ago

it is unnerving even if it is explicable

it is unnerving that it is explainable only if i am part of a system

it makes sense that my memories are limited to the child portions of our childhood

that i do not have free access to the other parts of our childhood

that i have almost no access to angela's "adulthood" (other than the fun parts of traveling to her city) (like seeing the orange t-rex)

--

there is no internal debate left in me

but i need to hang on until i get a therapist

[forgottenyear]

i see evidence every day

my first instinct is to ignore it

but i am wiser than that

so my second impulse is to ignore it

eventually reason wins the day

and i decide to ignore the evidence

[forgottenyear]

nightmare

that i remember

but wish i did not

[forgottenyear]

exhausted and resting before i go out to shovel from the latest storm

and maybe too fragile to be alone in my own head

--

"And I know we don't know What's on your mind But we know you'll make it through And though things may seem Much larger than life At least you know we're behind you" - "Loop in Blue" by Halou

this is supposed to be a positive song

but it is like a knife to the gut

knowing that a child had to carry on under a weight of adulthood that would have been too much for an adult to carry

knowing that the child was punished by other adults when the child could not keep up with the workload of a child in addition to this

--

i know better than to listen to some songs when i feel this way

the past is too close

i feel for the other parts

and sometimes i think i feel what they never could

i am not proud that i am afraid of them

but i do not know how to be me with them

i do not know how to be safe with them

for so long i have depended on never being them

--

the past is too close because i cannot cope with their memories

i can read the label on that box and i know not to open it

as the previous reblog says

"i mind my own business"

i know no other way to survive

[forgottenyear]

"what was your childhood like" idk i mind my own business

[forgottenyear]

i am confused "lately"

when i feel confused i withdraw and observe and interact only when it is necessary

i imagine there are times when i am less confused

but i cannot be sure that these are not merely ephemeral bubbles of clarity

at this moment i am trying to survive a seemingly endless train of snow storms (individually not so bad but bunched up as they have been they slowly grind me down)

i am still trying to get into therapy but this is background noise to surviving the storms for now

i feel like confusion is only "recent"

but i have been passively working on this post for a while (and even that feels only "recent" despite indications to the contrary)

i think the confusion is magnified by fatigue

and since the fatigue is only relatively recent

i assume the confusion is also recent

i feel like i am on the fringe of connectedness with others

i am forever trying to catch up with the world

or i hibernate within myself or within projects

and leave the catching up for later

--

as i pay more attention to the blackouts / switches

i see a potential cause for the confusion

and a reason why this has been going on for so long "recently"

[forgottenyear]

after more than forty eight hours i have a visible ring of irritation on edges of the heart monitor that was stuck on my chest

i hope i can wear it for the full seven days (only five to go)

it itches under the tape where i cannot scratch

[forgottenyear]

a friend offered good advice

(it must be good if i am not putting it to sensible use)

i have not responded directly because i need read it again

(i assume tumblr still wipes an ask from memory when one replies)

i feel like i am flailing about in the absence of a therapist who does not change the subject every time i mention issues for which i actually do need help

i may be putting the cart before the horse by thinking about fusion when i have clearly not begun true acceptance

my form of acceptance bears little resemblance to the common form

it is not laced up well and i am surely tripping over the laces because of this