forgottenyear

[forgottenyear]

i feel stuck internally

it is the same thing i have been writing for months

it gets worse by the day

and the past is swamping the present

i feel more and more lost in the confusion

there are places and events in the past that break me

i cannot accept that any of it is real

i cannot accept that i am real

[forgottenyear]

i intend to sleep

whether i want to or not

today was not especially difficult

as days go

but it was also not easy

i bumped against the past

and it reminded me that this body is not mine

i only happen to be front for a while

the manager is not always the owner

but beyond this distinction

other people in other bodies have not always used this body with the consent of its occupants

and even with consent

they have taken liberties

i do not feel safe from the world

and i do not want to let down my guard to sleep

i know i must sleep

i know nothing is made better through sleep deprivation

i feel too small for a body as big as

i feel too small for a body of any size

bodies are vulnerable

i am safe tonight

but i hate this body and this life

i will try to sleep before i go too much farther down that last road

[forgottenyear]

the referral to office three was made

but that office requires the patient to call them to activate a referral

i called soon after talking with my case manager (she told me)

again, it feels like everything is happening too quickly

i want to work with a therapist again

but i do not feel ready for this work

every cell in my body says this is wrong

i feel like i have committed myself to certain self-destruction

i have committed myself to working with a therapist on matters i have so clearly not committed myself to believe

i am tired of running away from the things i take with me anyway

i am tired of being afraid of my own head

i am tired

but also terrified

"terrified" is a bigger word than "tired" and could probably whoop it in a fight

[forgottenyear]

food poisoning again

my days of eating lettuce are over

[forgottenyear]

i do not feel what i suppose is a normal bond to this body

did has diluted this still further

i feel like the body was picked up in a second-hand shop

slightly worn and slightly used and never really in fashion

but beggars cannot be choosers

it does not fit me but whatever

i do not understand what some others have seen

and maybe it was a matter of availability

i am not fond of this body

nor this life

i suppose the latter is sour grapes

i suppose i reject the body because of what others used it for

and that is why it feels second-hand

because it was not mine and i had no say

--

i have been kept awake by food poisoning again

i keep going in the wrong direction

thought poisoning, in detail, should not be amplified any more than food poisoning

[forgottenyear]

[tw: csa (no direct mention, but i do not know when it is too much, so this is mostly an abundance of caution)]

--

have seen a few posts about being awake during surgery

i remember having to sit as still as possible as i felt everything

the local took the edge off the pain

but did nothing to make me unaware of what was happening

it was only a few days later that they needed to do it again

i explained how ineffective locals are for me

so she gave me about a dozen or more shots

what she did that time was frighteningly more invasive

so i was pleasantly surprised that she was done before i knew she started

(this second experience showed me that it was not somatic the first time)

--

i felt uneasy in my stomach as i wrote about the second time

and i remembered the doctor abruptly pulled my underwear down

i know she needed to check that they were treating all the problems

but she gave no warning of what she needed to do

i had already consented to treatment

but without warning

i was someplace in the past

--

i will stop before it gets too graphic

[forgottenyear]

nightmare of the class that are not necessarily scary

but leave me feeling undeserving of anything good in life

[forgottenyear]

i woke at two in the morning to the realization that it is only eleven at night

some mysteries are best slept through

[forgottenyear]

i see something that breaks the rules of behavior

in someone outside our system (and body)

and it is like a clock-key, winding up my insides

i feel like something bad will happen to them

and i will vicariously relive the pain

--

i can see a direct line from this to us being expected to keep our older brother out of trouble

and us being punished for his actions

sometimes in his place

and also a line to us generally assumed to have been the leader of most groups

and punished more than the rest

--

we are good at solving puzzles

we can see through the clutter and identify the core issues

i think it is this gift that people turn to me for

it may also be this gift that people see as leadership

we are also good at spotting the way social structures work (or do not work)

we tend to recognize the purposes of rules, and to respect this while we appear to be breaking the word of rules

this may also contribute to the appearance of leadership

and then we try very hard always to include everyone

to draw on everyone's strengths

and to tweak rules and social structures to value everyone as a vital component of a group

--

when i worked in the vocational rehabilitation field

i was the worst choice to be a supervisor

because i saw it as my job to help clients/employees become comfortable with a work environment

i was briefly night supervisor of a file room

and i insisted that everyone stop working at break time

and if i thought a conversation was helpful

our "fifteen minute" break might have gone on for an hour or more

i valued the quality of the the individuals' experience over the productivity of our shift

despite these liberties

we had a good time and our productivity was not necessarily worse than that of the day shift

--

growing up

we spent most of our time with two friends

one was always the "leader" because they would make everyone miserable otherwise

the other was second in command because they could not be first

I (we) followed

but the friends would turn to us to settle disputes

or when they knew i (we) would come up with something interesting to do (usually the sort of things of my memories as the child part - the "rockwellian idyll," as i call it)

i (we) was essentially the leader from behind

--

but coming back to the original point

i feel responsibility for others

and gently encourage other behaviors to take the place of those that may bring the actor to harm

but i also recognize that there are situations in which i need to stay in my own lane

but the clock-key still turns

[forgottenyear]

if you have never read the pinned post for this blog, or if you forgot

i am older than most followers

the body is, so we all are

a poll asked our first social media platform

my definition is somewhat amorphous

but i would consider irc (internet relay chat) from the eighties our first

we met many friends from irc in person

but that story takes a dark turn in the end

--

our first officially termed "social media" was fb

tumblr came later, but was not officially social media then

at least david karp did not think it was

--

i did not respond to the poll

because it is a loaded gun

[forgottenyear]

i need new words for "forgot"

i did not "forget" forget

it was still in my memory

i just stopped remembering that it was not forgotten

i knew what was in the general trigger warning list for this blog but i was still surprised by what i read

it was unremembered until i saw it again

the word, "forgot," implies something more extreme than this

i try never to add something to the pinned post unless i am certain about it

i trust that i was certain about it, but i forgot why or when i was

i assumed this was left off because i was not certain about it

i do not want to remember what made us certain

i would rather feel like i --

i do not want to perpetuate the abuses of the parents, but in this case i kind of do

i feel like a liar

i would rather feel like i am a liar

i need for this not to be true

i regret that i forgot to stop remembering

now is not the time

[forgottenyear]

i have been o.d.ing on chocolate

this has coincided with the lifting depression

correlation does not imply causation

ordinarily

but i need to conduct further research

much further research

[forgottenyear]

the liminal state when depression is lifting

i want to do projects again

but i spend too much time sleeping

or trying to get caught up with the life i have not been living for months or years

also, i have established routines that work in depression

and i do not upend routines easily

--

i need to delete a mindless game from my phone

it helped to fill the day

maybe too well

but i have been doing so well in the game

[forgottenyear]

the rest of the day followed suit

i am tired from shoveling snow

but it is a justifiable tired

i know the reason i am tired

rest is easier when tired has a reason

by conservative estimate, i moved between half and three quarters of a ton by hand today

fortunately, we were spared the ice that featured so prominently in the forecasts before the storm began

my sleep schedule does not live up to its descriptor

i see my pcp tomorrow afternoon

but i have to get up much earlier so i can do laundry

[forgottenyear]

i feel good today

weak, but good

* tries not to voice their distrust of feeling good *

[forgottenyear]

from The Haunted Self

[forgottenyear]

i have been o.d.ing on chocolate

this takes a bit of internal subterfuge to avoid shame and tears

if there is one thing i good at, it is internal subterfuge around food

i may only not be looking, but there are no specific memories, only general ones of shame from stealing food

memories never necessarily intending to steal but of being too hungry to be aware of our intent

and of the almost inevitable punishments

my partner would not be upset about the chocolate, but i feel compelled to hide it from them

or at least to make a token effort to hide it from them

i know they are already aware

but i would be ashamed to eat openly

i do feel shame that i am "stealing" food

--

and now is the middle of the night and i am hungry