forgottenyear

[forgottenyear]

things have been stirred up internally since we saw signs that we are getting close to finding a therapist

but we have been in a holding pattern (re: therapy) for a while

we are less frantic, more steady, but still on high alert

a lot of displaced feelings and probably body memories

things devoid of context (thankfully)

when i try to write, i get muddled and lost in the words

i can see that this goes beyond fear of punishments

this fear is more visceral than that

it is a fear of who i - we truly are

it is a fear that i can trace all the way back to the first suggestion that i have did

i/we chose what i should be

we spent years developing my "self"

forgetting or outright denying what once was

fearing the past

absolutely FEARING the past

the warning-away was never more than a feeling

an instinct to find a safer course

and the offer of projects for diversion

lately i have been barraged with warnings

with dread fear

and the thought came up today

that this therapy is voluntary

that i can just leave well enough alone

i will use that idea, but maybe in a different way than was intended

it can be a pressure valve

an option more helpful for its existence than for its application

the interim therapist feels under-qualified to treat did

and she tries to discourage talk that approaches the subject

i wish it could be that simple for me

[forgottenyear]

i feel like i have stuff i need to write

but i feel like everything i start to write is wrong

i feel nauseous

but in a way that begs me to remember something i know i do not want to remember

i am so tired but i do not want to fall asleep

i do not want to fall asleep, but i do want to stop thinking

i want to be sick so i can blame this on a virus or something

i am echoing our childhood wish to contract a fatal illness

can we sleep without dreams

please

[forgottenyear]

i believe in fairy tales

this is my toxic trait

i am not talking about specific fairy tales

but the things i still believe that could qualify as fairy tales

i look for the meaning

for the moral

the dénouement

and when i find none of these

i do not grow up

but grow confused

i suppose this is a human yearning for deities

for a plan that exceeds human understanding

a human yearning for there to be an understanding

that is just beyond my human capacity

but the things i have seen

that we have seen and experienced

things that any such deity would have to have allowed

and would be tacitly complicit

i would rather believe nothing

heavenly parental figures are no better than the earthly ones

and so i yearn for the love and the care that are never offered

that are never real

but once were promised

[forgottenyear]

the trouble is not in the forgetting

it is in the seeming inevitability of remembering that trouble lies

[forgottenyear]

i can "see" projects again

i can "feel" algorithms

when depression takes this ability away

it starts to feel unreal

it feels unreal because there are no good words to describe what we do

i still know we can do this

but i forget how we do it

and then it comes back again

and it is familiar and odd

fascinating and frightening

and alienating

alienating because it is not normal

alienating because others either see that i am gifted

or they see that i only imagine myself to be so

--

a friend once told me that he held a grudge against me for years

because he tried so hard to impress people that he was intelligent

and then I would pick bits and pieces from the trash

and make a working television antenna for a station that they could not receive before

(i did visit the library before doing so)

--

flattery is nice and all

but i want to be something i never can be

"normal"

"seeing" and "feeling" mathematical formulae

or whatever sense comes into play

is not normal

i can use this ability to be helpful or useful

but it comes at a price

it reminds everyone that i am different

--

familiar and odd

fascinating and frightening

and alienating

[forgottenyear]

obviously, the whole "sleep schedule" thing is going famously

(they write at two in the morning)

[forgottenyear]

i have been passing out a lot lately

it began when i was in the hospital

they did the hydrostatic pressure tests several times and in different ways

but so far

they have no explanation

in recent days

it has changed to where i will come back to consciousness

but pass out again moments later

i see my pcp in a few weeks

[forgottenyear]

it is somewhat magnified by the current change of brain chemistry

but i often feel like i am just a few steps behind the world

i feel like i understand what is happening only after it has already happened

like i am forever trying to catch up

yet never quite managing to do so

i think this is why - well, one of several reasons why - i function better on my own

i know i am a little off in my emotions lately

but it is a steadily present feeling

i mask it well enough

but it is always there

--

and having written it out, i can see two components to this feeling

the first component is maybe an inverse result of hyper-vigilance

i cannot feel safe unless i know what is happening

but one cannot know what is happening in every situation

so i feel anxiety over life being its normal and unpredictable self

the second component feels less firmly founded than the first

that i am less consistently front than i have believed

that i so consistently need to catch up on what i have missed

that this feeling has become an effective steady-state

--

this ever-present feeling is a part of why i believe i am the child part

because i feel lost and confused by the world

even when i appear confident (perhaps to a point that falls uncomfortably close to the neighborhood of arrogant) as i function well

because i feel like i am only pretending to be an adult

and the game of make-believe has stopped being fun

[forgottenyear]

i have been working on a reasonable sleep schedule

it has not been going well

i was out of bed by ten, but i needed a five-hour nap before supper

i hoped (and still hope) that the med change would help me to sleep less

five or six hours awake each day is far and away preferable over only five or six of sleep each night, but the novelty wears away after several months

on the plus side, i sleep through most of the problematic portion of recovery from depression

[forgottenyear]

still early days, but i am taking the wild swings of emotion for signs that the new antidepressant is working

i think i get so acclimated to dulled emotions that when they return to full strength, they can be overwhelming

i had forgotten how stealthily thoughts of self destruction sneak into the list headed "good ideas" (the thought feels like remembering a treat that is waiting for me in the fridge)

we do not do that anymore

but this bit of the depression cycle is almost worse than the depressioniest bit

thankfully, it is relatively brief

[forgottenyear]

i am not sure if this is connected to the nightmare

but now i cannot have my arms under the covers

(and the second half of the last sentence was predicted by typing prediction, so i must have tapped it out on my phone a few times before)

fortunately, the heat just kicked on, so my arms should not be cold for a while

[forgottenyear]

nightmare, kind of

i remember that someone intended to hit me with a car

so i climbed a fence

but i woke before the car got near

and i was nearly climbing out of bed

[forgottenyear]

today is six months since i was discharged from the hospital

i will finally start the effective antidepressant tomorrow (my partner did not pick it up while running errands yesterday)

i have been avoiding myself for months

possibly years

and i hope to be better equipped to face myself soon

i have mostly slept for months and while i did vote, i have avoided the news because it makes me feel sick to my stomach

i have avoided myself because i make me feel sick to my stomach

i have been avoiding reality for years

dealing with my life as a theory for so long that i convinced myself that was all it was

it is an astonishing skill to found an entire system of belief on disbelief

reality does not abide fools lightly

[forgottenyear]

avoiding sleep

feeling alienated

feeling tired and alienated

feeling lost, tired, and alienated

always looking at life from the outside

almost never looking at the outside from life

feeling tired

tired of feeling alienated

--

i think the nightmare i had last night was about feeling alienated

feeling like a perpetual outsider

--

i have no idea how this could have been managed so as to do no harm, but it does not help my feeling of alienation that the interim therapist is frightened of did

she does not recoil in terror, like the school therapist did, at least

but still, did is the elephant in the room

--

i should probably try to get some sleep before sunrise

[forgottenyear]

nightmare

[forgottenyear]

there are rules to protect our abusers

rules that became fundamental elements of our identity

rules that predate memory

their roots go deep and intertwine with our senses of right and wrong, good and bad, wise and foolish, and so on

and they feel inextricable

i cannot be healthy and also safeguard my abusers

[forgottenyear]

i lost a day somewhere

it is unfair that time does not care if i keep up

but it is also comforting that

i survive more days than i realize i do

--

i am in a fog of confusion

i am on the outside, looking in

i do not remember having so much anxiety before

i do not remember feeling so much turmoil

i do not remember having been so willfully wrong before

i have intended to get help for years,

but i never expected it would be so frightening

i did not expect i would be tempting the worst punishments ever

i have never felt the past this strongly

i am not as strong as the child who lived every hour of every day through this fear and uncertainty

but maybe i would be if i knew of no alternative

we do not do that anymore, but it is still a prominent option

an option they never thought of at that age

how strong would i be if life did not care if i could live another day?

i can see that i have an advantage they did not

a dubious advantage of being able to choose to need the strength to live one more day

their strength, a strength that i have admired and envied, was that they had no choice

the days came and went regardless of their strength

the days trod over them when they fell

their only conceivable alternative was one they could not control

(to catch a fatal illness)

their "strength" was their weakness

and my weakness is my "strength"

--

epiphanies aside,

i experience, today, their dread of the moment to come

but without the coming of the moment (the "punishments")

i know i am safe in my time (logically, and without feeling)

but they still live in their time, where there is no such safety

i, in my time, am committing the worst possible offense against the family

they, in their time, are bracing for the commensurate punishments

and since they are me

i feel their fear (feeling, and without logic)

i need to plod on

no matter how wrong i have been programmed to feel