forgottenyear

[forgottenyear]

and now i am contorting myself around the cat

[i used to read Xinhua (the french word for chinese is chinois)

they had an online section for learning english and western cultures

and one time they wrote about american pets

they said that pets are like household gods

eating the best and most tasty foods

getting the most comfortable seats

i liked their description]

[forgottenyear]

every joint aches

my arms and legs appear to have sprouted new joints to enhance the experience

and the cobblestone bed is every bit as comfortable as one would expect

[forgottenyear]

the cat keeps trying to crawl under the blanket with me

but when i brave the cold to lift it for him

he changes his mind

i took my monthly shower yesterday and all

[forgottenyear]

no temperature regulation

either i freeze or i cook

i choose to cook because uncontrollable shivering is exhausting

they wanted to add a third vaccine

but i knew i would have a full plate with the two i planned for

[forgottenyear]

met with the pcp today

he was talking about how best to proceed

and he mentioned that my case is "complicated"

i did not want him to feel bad about using that word

but as we worked through the depression questionnaire

i explained that being "complicated" has been an obstacle to getting help

and this then erodes my self image

and leaves me feeling like i am wrong or bad for asking for help

wrong or bad for having "complicated" did

he appeared to understand what i was saying

--

i also got the covid booster and the flu shots today

and now i am bracing to feel sick for the week

i already feel run down

but shoveling half a foot of snow yesterday (about a ton and a half) could have some influence on that

[forgottenyear]

my problems are primarily existential in nature

further up Maslov's hierarchy

they are luxury problems

i know

trust me

i know

there is a gaping chasm between my greatest problems and the more earthly/earthy greatest problems faced by the others

i know well enough to fear any potential for a return to their lives

at the same time

i recognize that i am nearing that very precipice with each passing day

my life hinges on my partner's

with regard for sustainability

but also

i have depended on this one person's dependence on me

we have grown symbiotic

i love this person first and foremost

they have been the reason i have sought help instead of destroying myself

i do not know what i can do without them

we lived without them for the first half of our life

but that form of "living" is now my greatest fear

[forgottenyear]

nightmare

but not that kind

the lesser kind that i remember

the kind that is less scary after waking

--

i wonder if the other kind

the kind i do not remember

are still happening

but the medications keep me asleep through most of them

i am not complaining

mind you

but it seems odd that they would have just stopped altogether

although they do tend to come in waves

and this could be the syncline

with nightmares below the surface

--

anyway

snakes i can get over

(except in the silly nightmare

where i could not even go around the snake)

[forgottenyear]

memory is frustrating

i am watching a television series i watched as a child

and i remember most episodes as though i watched them only a few weeks ago

i know that i, as the child part, enjoyed the show immensely

but even so

it is eerie how well i remember this show

when i have no memory for other things

[forgottenyear]

i am sure i said this before

and i probably said it at the same point on the approach-avoidance cycle

i am afraid of did

i am afraid of the system and the parts

i am afraid of being swallowed up and forgotten

i am afraid of lingering as we devolve into our painful pasts

i keep repeating that my time was the most successful

the most livable

as though it is an incantation to restore "my" life to what it was "before" i had did

i grasp for control as this disorder threatens to reduce me to insignificance

as i mourn the life already lost

i am afraid of their hurts and their fears

it may be petty of me

but i am not accustomed to sharing myself in the way did demands of me

i try to push past the fear

but it is everywhere

it goes where i go

it knows where i live

where i sleep

[forgottenyear]

as a child

we were erratic

as an adult

i conform to rules of behavior

i find sometimes that i must dump posts because they contradict other posts

both are true

but posting contradictions becomes erratic

as i attempt to accept did (i say as though this is not something i have failed to do for too many years)

i do not want to become erratic (i say as though i am not already too erratic)

[with a final reference to the strange dream]

i cannot relax into being me because i am not the only me in me

i police my every action because otherwise i cannot be the me we have chosen to be

i am reliantly consistent

i was once called the anchor of an office

if i relax

i become them

i become the "otters"

i cease to be me

[forgottenyear]

because i have been sleeping until mid-afternoon

i stopped having breakfast

because i stopped having breakfast

i stopped having my one mug of coffee a day

(i have assumed) because i stopped having my one mug of coffee a day

i also stopped having trouble with stomach acid

(except when i eat overly greasy foods)

(or when i binge on jalapeño fritos)

[forgottenyear]

it has become routine to discover gaping holes in my memory on tumblr

it has become routine to pretend it does not bother me

[forgottenyear]

i am still a little unsettled by that dream

i am grateful for what i learned and we need some time to work out how to translate this new knowledge into practice

but i can see no plausible explanation for the dream

it appears to have been my own dream because it was so clearly in my memory on waking

but it was so foreign to the entire system

it suggests the preexistence of an awareness that, to my understanding, came only as a result of the dream itself

--

it is not a huge thing

at least not as huge as my fixation may imply

even so

it is morbidly fascinating

[forgottenyear]

i have an appointment tomorrow morning

so naturally i will be awake all night

--

i have been unsettled over the odd dream

that is to say i have avoided thinking about it

it has highlighted a complicated issue that i have been unable to understand because i live inside the issue

it is the substrate of all my experiences and perceptions

i am not thinking this dream is an indication of another part

but i am still without a reasonable explanation

the dream was so far removed from my life

and that of the others

as far as i know

--

wherever it came from

it highlights that i live with a lot of self-imposed stress

it shows the inappropriate boundaries imposed on a child

that i feel responsible for so much that is outside my control

and that even if some elements can be influenced by me

they remain the other side of more than a few boundaries

[forgottenyear]

i attempted to get into projects today

but i could not focus

i hope this is just depression

i do not expect to dive back in in just a day

but i guess i did sort of hope i would

--

i am not sure what is happening in dreams

i feel i have been nightmare free for at least a couple of nights

last night was a very strange dream

i know the wealth of explanations

but i was not me

i did not need rules of behavior because i was comfortable with being "myself"

i fell in love with a guy i cannot picture

things were going horribly wrong around us but i felt no blame or responsibility

i was calm and contented in ways i have never imagined

if i was me in the dream

i would have felt entirely responsible for everything

i would expect to be blamed and so i would not have been comfortable diverting my attention to a relationship that violates the rules of behavior to begin with (a friend's boyfriend)

i was just falling in love without the complications of being me

it stands out for being a way of living that i have never considered before

it is conceivable

but it would be nearly impossible for me not to impose my complications on such a life

it was a dream of course

but how it ended up something i would dream escapes me

the calm

the absence of other voices

the serenity

[forgottenyear]

i have never been a singlet

that should be a simple concept

but it is recently and poorly affixed to my memories

and everything that stems from my memories remains unlabeled

i feel i am unreal because everything that made me real was returned to other parts when we learned about did

i feel that my part in this system is meaningless

but if that were the case, how did i succeed where others failed?

i feel that accepting did has been a process of loss

because i feel, as a part, i am incomplete

(you can probably see the flaw in my logic already)

i continue to believe that i ought to feel as complete as i did when i was a singlet

i continue to search for a "normal" that has never been my experience

my supposed "normality" is that of a complete system

and i cannot find this normal in isolation as a part

if i am to be totally honest with myself

i have tried to find a normal, a completeness, that shuts out the system

i have been trying to return to being a singlet

but i do not know the way

because i refuse to accept that i have never been there before

[forgottenyear]

nightmare

it is a cold night for arms outside the covers

regulating my breathing to avoid hyperventilating

the scar on my temple is aching and causing the eye socket to ache

but when i got up to get some water

the cat was in the kitchen and welcomed a few pets (because he hoped i was going to feed him)

and the medicine has me falling asleep again