#then quickly changed it to 'who knows! you might get super stable and healthy!! who knows!' when i started crying skskdl

[dnovep]

oooh 2025 the 'pushing a boulder uphill' u are so far

[haik-choo]

I don't write cause I feel I don't have a good grasp on the characters personalities etc, the characterisation of akaashi post is so helpful! 👀👀 Would you do kuroo or bokuto?

a/n: I hope you like both of these! again, if yall want me to do others, let me know! these are across the span of their life, so some may seem college-related and some may seem young-adulty! 

[MISCHARACTERIZATIONS OF BOKUTO AND KUROO]

bokuto kotaro.

clueless: i’ve stated this in akaashi’s post, but bokuto is extremely emotionally intelligent. he can pick up on the slightest changes in people’s demeanor or posture, he can tell if someone is sad or happy even if they aren’t good at displaying emotions. he’s not a dumbass -- and he can pick up on others’ limits and boundaries very quickly. despite his ability to read people relatively well, he has no qualms about pushing people out of their comfort zones and forcing them to do things they might hate at first, but will love later. he pushes boundaries according to your comfort level, and respects your hard limits. 

only positive: a lot of people write bokuto to be someone ho’s only happy-go-lucky, or someone who rarely gets sad (aside from his moods that are less sad and more discouraged), but I think that almost dehumanizes him. he gets back up faster than most, yes, and at the end of a lost game where everyone is crying, bokuto is dry-eyed. he’s the type to get home and plop down on his bed, face-first into his pillow, lips quivering and eyes lightly watering. there are times where he feels insecure, especially when he’s younger, just because he can tell he’s different from the rest. he has a feeling that people are put-off from his personality, he has a feeling that he’s not as (traditionally/academically) smart as everyone else, he has a feeling that some people find him annoying. that’s why when he’s near his close friends he’s very loose -- he doesn’t feel the need to hold back even a little because he knows that they love him for him. this translates to his toxic trait with his lover being that he feels dejected/insecure if you ever want space. while he can read boundaries, he would really benefit from a lover who has just as few as he, because then he can be his truest self.

love-at-first-sight: he’s not the type to fall in love at one glance, he’s just not. yes, he might get interested or you may catch his attention, but he’s not going to fall in love with someone because they have a pretty smile. it’s not that he’s calculated or over-thinks his emotions, he knows exactly what he feels, it’s just that his heart is a little slow when it comes to falling in love. he’s such an energetic all-over-the-place person that love is never really on his mind (he gets into some trouble with accidentally leading girls on because he’s so friendly). when he eventually falls in love, though....oh boy. he stutters, he’s over-thinking all his movements when it comes to you -- he’s usually impulsive but with you he really, really doesn’t want to screw up. he wants everything to go smoothly -- so he’s the type to plan out a confession and actually try to stick to it. when it comes to something like love, bokuto is surprisingly slow and careful, because he knows how fragile a heart is. 

never gets angry: i think most people like to imagine his anger is so rare because the image of an angry bokuto is scary, especially with his stature. and while it’s true his anger is uncommon (because he’s good at processing his own emotions and not lashing out at others), when he does get angry it can be pretty unnerving. he’s the type to slam his fist on the counter unknowingly when having a really bad fight with his lover, and he has a booming voice. he’d never hit someone, but he doesn’t realize how intimidating his physique is. anger is uncommon, but that doesn’t mean he’s not scary. he always apologize afterwards, though.

boundless confidence: i touched on it earlier, that he has bouts of insecurity, but again, i really want to emphasize that he’s not endlessly confident. honestly, maybe in the anime and manga he seems that way, but if you want to make him more human, have more life than a fictional character, you have to create limits or certain traits. bokuto is very sensitive, and the slightest thing can either inflate his ego or deflate it. plays in volleyball constantly not working may dig at his confidence, but he always re-inflates. in real life, outside the court, there are things that keep his confidence low everytime they happen. fights with his lover are one of these things; he’ll get jealous when they leave the apartment after a fight because he’ll worry about you finding someone more stable than him. jealousy alone is a solid sign of chipped confidence, something that someone as sensitive as bokuto gets every once in a while. 

overall, bokuto is a lot more intelligent than what people give him credit for. he’s honest with his own emotions and can read people very well, which is probably why he’s such a people person, but he still has flaws. he does not have boundless confidence or have no perception of boundaries; he’s unbelievably understanding. he may be initially insecure, have intimidating anger, etc. but ,after all, he’s human, isn’t he? 

kuroo tetsuro. 

sex god: don’t get me wrong, I definitely believe that he’s had a lover or two, especially in college, and that he’s played the field a little bit. but i don’t see him as the guy that has had sex with every person in his major. he’s a genuine guy and can’t have sex with someone he’s not emotionally invested in -- despite not being a ‘player’, he’s totally gotten in trouble with a few people because they think he’s leading them on when he walks with them to class everyday. 

intimidating: people always characterize him as this mysterious, sexually intimidating guy, but i just can’t see him as someone intimidating. if anything, he may be a little unapproachable because he has a really tight knit group of friends that he’s always with, but he’s not scary. he’s not the center of attention but he’s not a wallflower either, he enjoys observing people and watching drama play out, but he’s not silent and glaring all the time. he’s quite fun, he’s loud, and he enjoys embarrassing his friends in public. he’s the type to twerk in public and laugh his ass off when akaashi or kenma give him the side-eye and bro-kuto joins in. he likes to have fun, ya know? i don’t know about you, but a guy that twerks in public isn’t very scary, to me at least. 

prideful: I understand why people paint him as a prideful guy, he obviously likes what he does and has a personable personality, but honestly, he’s not perfect. he often has moments where he doubts himself because of his past decisions, his career one of them. kuroo is an amazing middle blocker, and his choice to go into sports advertisement rather than an actual volleyball league no doubt haunts him at night sometimes. he thinks of the ‘what-ifs’, and he dreams of what he could be. especially since his best friend is bokuto, a professional player, it’s often on his mind. it’s a super touchy subject for him, and if someone were to question his job-choice i have no doubt that he’d get really sour and distant from that person because he’s not sure of himself either. 

frat boy: he’s not someone who can’t cook, he’s not someone who sleeps at 5am everyday, hungover. he’s not the type of person to be immature in any way -- he’s got his shit together. i’m sure most people can actually see this, but kuroo is very responsible and realistic (which is part of the reason he didn’t do professional volleyball). he does his taxes, does his homework, gives out good advice, gets up early and eats everything that a healthy person should eat (in all the right proportions, too). he doesn’t even drink often, if anything he’s just a social drinker. he goes to bed at 10pm and wakes up at 6am to work out, no joke. he’s gotta keep that physique somehow. 

decisive: i know i said he’s responsible, but i don’t think that translates to decisive. i can see him having a lot of conflicting things going on in his life, different wants and different paths that he wants to take but can’t keep all open. it happens in love, his career, his college major, etc. he wants a lot in life, he wants success, happiness, a good love-life, everything. when he had to choose between volleyball and a life-long, stable career, he was broken for weeks. was he good enough for his dream? was it wise to chase his dream? would it be better to get more kids into volleyball, do what he did, what he couldn’t do? in his love life he always hesitates, too: does he see a life with them? how long will they love him? will they be able to deal with him once they see that he’s not perfect? is it worth it? it doesn’t matter if he’s in love or not, because his extreme caution can come off as very distant and unwilling to let you in, hence his toxic trait. he’s indecisive, scared, yet passionate and hard-working. 

overall, kuroo is full of contradiction. he wants a lot from life and is willing to work for it. he has dreams and tries to stay healthy and put himself out there, have fun, the whole shabang -- but he’s not perfect. he’s overly cautious when it comes to making important decisions simply because he can see a future with all of the different paths he can take. but honestly, isn’t everyone a little contradictory? 

[americankimchi]

ok and I GET the concept of attachments leading to vulnerability and therefore weakness but to impose that on a CHILD who so desperately needs a family, someone he could bond with, its honestly tragic. and since qui gon isnt there to do it anymore it falls on obi wan, whos basically a kid himself, whos dealt with rejection his whole life, and how can you expect him to provide anything, much less mentor a padawan?? idk i just have so many FEELINGS abt this and can’t put it into proper words lol

okay you know what i think that’s on qui gon because why!!! would you make the decision to rip a child away from his home like that so quickly!!! i get that they were making a movie and thus needed to speed things along for pacing reasons but COME ONNNNN

i feel like if it wasn’t restricted for movie reasons it would have gone down very differently. difference being: hey, maybe we don’t rip anakin away from his mom and leave not only his mom still in slavery but also punt a tiny child directly into a warzone.

hear me out

so assuming qui gon decides not to take anakin with him (at that moment in time because anakin is still going to be heading to the order just in a more meticulous fashion) right after meeting the skywalkers on tattooine, he still needs to get off planet. so he does the whole race thing yadda yadda he gets the engine and they take off

so here’s where it diverges: anakin stays on tattooine and never goes to naboo.

(bro this got so long i had to put it under a cut omfg)

but cindy!! you might say, leaving anakin on tattoine??? stuck in slavery??? how could you!!!

YES, but this is a temporary thing, just stay with me for a second

padme disagrees but relents because qui gon says he’ll come back for the boy when he’s not, you know, neck deep in the middle of tense wartime negotiations that could trigger a full scale onslaught at any moment. that’s no place to bring a small child into no matter how powerful in the force he is.

qui gon heads back to the council, gives his report, and then mentions anakin. mentions his fuckin. midichlorian count. which is still so ridiculous to me oh my god the midichlorian is the powerhouse of the force i GUESS

anyways

the council still disapproves, but qui gon makes the case that even if they don’t believe him about the chosen one thing it’s still dangerous to leave such a powerful force user out there untrained and vulnerable to the stresses and traumas of slavery. what if he turns to the dark side??? he’ll have ample reasons to if he’s stuck there, and the amount of destruction he could unleash by being untrained and powerful is unspeakable!! qui gon, being the master diplomat he is, even if he is constantly butting heads with the council, could probably convince them of the importance of at least meeting the child. hell, it’s not as if they haven’t broken people free from slavery before it’s honestly jedi basic training at this point

so the council agrees on the condition that qui gon is not allowed to personally mentor the boy because as it stands now he’s too close to the situation, too eager which honestly??? might have been a good chunk of the reason why the council was so against it in the first place. qui gon pushed for it too hard and for no real solid reason. and for fuck’s sake qui gon your padawan is right there

obi wan, awkwardly shuffling on his feet like..... yeah i’m here too master

SPEAKING OF OBI WAN

imagine how gutting it must be to hear that your master wants to get rid of you for the newer, younger model. like at this point obi wan is so used to this shit. abandonment? by qui gon??? it’s more likely than you think,

and obi wan’s ALLL ready to be like “yeah okay. i’ll just. go over here then i guess. fuck me for thinking that you respected me as a person or anything lmao right”

and qui gon’s just “ah fuck. i can’t believe i’ve done this”

anyways hand waves qui gon explaining his reasoning to obi wan and saying that he just wants to ensure that the boy gets the training he needs and obi wan understanding but asking if he really thinks he’s ready to be a knight genuinely or if he’s just saying that to get him out of the way and wow that thought actually hurt a bit lol!!! no problem though qui gon whatever you want haha i’ll just... be in pain. over here. ((:

and qui gon being like, “honestly obi wan the only reason you’re not actually knighted is because i cherish your companionship and i don’t want to let you go” because ANAKIN ISN’T THE ONLY ONE WITH ATTACHMENT ISSUES CASE IN POINT: MY MANS JINN

let’s be honest obi wan could’ve been knighted ages ago. the only reason he hasn’t been is because the master dictates when that step should be taken and qui gon wasn’t ready to let his surrogate son go.

anyways RECONCILIATION WHOO kicks that insecurity off of obi wan’s already weary shoulders because that gnarly bit of tension could’ve been avoided so easily with just a simple conversation!! wow!!! communication can do wondrous things who! would! have! known!!!!!

anyways

they get to naboo. how do they beat the trade federation without anakin? the force works in mysterious ways alright it happens they win boom.

now, onto qui gon. in this au qui gon lives because of that healthy bit of communication up there that went down. see that conversation? where they affirm how important they (qui gon and obi wan) are to each other? and how that bond was repaired and confirmed between their leaving coruscant and fighting maul on naboo and thus their harmonious fighting wasn’t impaired by that underlying resentment and betrayal and tension??? TELLING YOUR KIDS THAT YOU LOVE AND RESPECT THEM CAN DO AMAZING THINGS WITH YOUR ABILITY TO COORDINATE WITH THEM IN THE FIELD IMAGINE THAT

coughs

so they fight maul and maul gets turned into maul 1 and maul 2 and qui gon almost gets got but is saved just in time by his padawan who is!! right there with him!!! because qui gon WAITS 5 SECONDS FOR HIM TO CATCH UP so they can F I G H T  T O G E T H E R. qui gon has a permanent limp and an ache in his spine that never really goes away but he’s ALIVE TO SEE THE NEXT SUNRISE BABEY

celebrations happen. and the most important bit of all here: palpatine never meets anakin on naboo.

why would he? anakin’s not fuckin there mate!!! maul wouldn’t even know anything about anakin because qui gon never bothered to take him with them to coruscant and maul was chasing the delegation from naboo, not going hunting for babies in the tatooinian sands

/kicks the palpatine was anakin’s experimental force daddy theory to the curb because. i don’t like it that’s why. suck it dickpatine.

ANAKIN NEVER MEETS PALPATINE!! ripples in the fucking pond babey

qui gon and obi wan ask a boon of padme, that boon being “hey can you give us truly disgusting amounts of money so we can go free those delightful people we had to leave behind on tatooine due to the fact that we were on a time crunch and also ripping people away from a familiar environment without a stable plan of action to provide them a better quality of life is actually called, as the professionals say, a dick move.”

and padme’s like “um fuck yeah here’s some cash let me know how this goes and give anakin and shmi my love”

SO OFF THEY GO TO TATOOINE TO FREE THE SKYWALKERS. shmi tags along to the temple because why wouldn’t she. she wants to see where her son is going to be going. she also pesters qui gon and obi wan constantly about the order and its philosophies and etc. etc. and subsequently gets a crash course in jedi doctrine that anakin also gets to sit in on and you know, educate himself on.

“we want you to know that being a jedi is a choice. being a jedi is a religion unto itself.” they say

“but it’s a set of philosophies that are meant to at its core help others live happy and free lives?” anakin (and shmi) ask

“that’s a very very very large generalization but i guess for the purposes of this conversation that could be seen as true. from a certain point of view,” they respond. qui gon then lets obi wan loose on his musings about the code because the code is simple, and complex in its simplicity, and how the beliefs of the jedi should be taken very seriously because it reflects their connection to the force and by extension the world around them etc. etc.

anakin makes it to the temple. anakin knows (at least a little) what it means to be a jedi. it’s not all light sabers and noble battles and fighting the good fight. it’s about sacrifice and humility and nobility and above all kindness and empathy and loving all things, great and small, and not letting your personal hatreds cloud your judgement even if it takes all your strength to do so

and most importantly to anakin: no attachments.

and that’s what anakin struggles with the most. that never changes. but this time shmi is there to explain it to him, and coming from shmi, the most important person in the world, makes it stick

“it doesn’t mean you love me less,” shmi explains. “it just means you don’t love everyone else less because you love me. it means not loving me to the exclusion of all else. it means love, but for everyone. for everything.”

and then the two jedi reaffirm that it’s a choice. it’s always about choice. you can’t be a jedi without choosing to be one, it’s not something that can be forced. either you believe in the lifestyle, or you don’t. simple as that.

“can i leave if i want to” anakin asks.

“yes. of course you can, any time.” qui gon responds.

“not sure why you would want to though, being a jedi is kind of super cool” obi wan adds, with a wink.

but anakin isn’t a jedi yet. he’s not even an initiate. he doesn’t want to leave his mom, not until he knows she’s safe. he wants to be a jedi he burns with the need to be a jedi, but he’s not sure if he can be a jedi. not the way that was explained to him anyways. but that’s okay because he has the time to decide!!! there are no sith lords breathing down his neck!!! he has two (2) in the flesh examples of what jedi can do, what jedi are, what they can accomplish in the world!!! most of all he has his mother there, supporting him either way!!!

maybe he does go into the order. maybe he does ultimately choose that life for himself. maybe he does manage to untangle himself from the snarls of attachment and apply himself wholeheartedly to the ways of the jedi. he might even succeed this time since palpatine has no fucking CLUE anakin’s even there!!! he’s not nine years old and freshly braided and attached at the hip to a mourning brand new knight, he’s nine years old and trying to figure out how the fuck you levitate off the ground with your legs crossed under you while his crechemates balance things onto his nose!!!

and you know what!! maybe he chooses to leave the order because it’s not for him, but this time he’s got enough stability in his life, in the way that he manages and examines his feelings, that he’s not a threat to himself and those he loves. maybe he becomes a mechanic and lives a nice, simple life with his aging mother and becomes penpals with a pretty girl from naboo. WHO KNOWWWSSS

and that’s important for anakin: knowing that it’s always a choice always his choice and that he never has to have anyone tell him who he can and cannot be because he is his own master now he has full autonomy and the jedi cannot and will not take that away from him

this got so long oh my god i just have so many THOUGHTS

qui gon taking anakin like that in tpm was such a rushed decision my man can you CHILL AND THINK

anyways,,,,, that’s all thank u for coming with me on this journey,,,,,,,

[tierneysinclair]

“Nobody’s ever been arrested for a murder; they have only ever been arrested for not planning it properly.” ― Terry Hayes, I Am Pilgrim

Basic Information

Full name: Tierney Sinclair Pronunciation: Tier-Knee Sin-Claire Nickname(s): Not if you like to live. Tierney doesn’t do nicknames. Tierney is the only name he’ll answer to. Birthdate:  September 8, 1979 Age: 40 Zodiac: Virgo Gender: Cis-Male Pronouns: he/him Romantic Orientation: Straight Sexual Orientation: Bisexual Nationality: American Ethnicity: White Current Location: Miami, Florida Living Conditions: Tierney lives in a small apartment above his new garage. It’s nothing fancy and that’s the way he likes it. Well worn couches, outdated kitchen appliances, wear worn towels. He doesn’t live in the slums but owning only new things has never been a part of Tierney’s lifestyle.

Background

Birthplace: Las Vegas, Nevada Hometown: N/A Social Class: Presents as lower-middle class but has enough money in the bank to be upper class if he really wanted to be. But he never will. Educational Achievements: None. Tierney never went to school. By the time he was released for the testing facility it was too late and too hard to get someone like him caught up. Sporadically home schooled by staff and other people Tierney isn’t the sort of person you want on your trivia team. He struggles with complex math, history, and all other assorted ‘average school knowledge’. Father: Unknown Mother: Unknown Sibling(s): Unknown Birth Order: N/A Pets: None Previous Relationships: Nothing lasts longer than a night. Do one night stands count? Arrests: A lot. By the time Tierney aged out of the foster program he’d been arrested more times than he had fingers and toes. Nothing major, minor mischief and petty theft. It wasn’t until he was picked up by the Syndicate that he started doing bigger crimes. And by then he had the support network to not get arrested. Prison Time: Surprisingly, not a lot. Accumulated, no more than a few months. It pays to have friends in low places.

Occupation & Income

Current Occupation: Hitman for the Blackburn Syndicate & Freelance Motorcycle Restorer Dream Occupation: None. Tierney has a limited view of both his life and the world. The idea of having a ‘dream’ anything is a foreign concept to him. Past Job(s): He was boy once at a greasy diner once. When they found out he’d lied about who he was a week later he was fired. Chicago wasn’t kind to kids with rap sheets and level five rankings. Falling in with the Syndicate has been the only ‘real’ job he’s ever had. Spending Habits: Tierney is a very frugal person. He buys almost everything second hand or used and very rarely spends it on anything new. The only expensive things he owns are his bikes and a flat screen TV. Tierney’s not ashamed to admit most of his money gets spent on bike parts anyways. Debt: Never. Credit cards mean government ability to track him. And being in debt t other people is a one way trip to being killed over it at a later date. Tierney repays any debts he can’t avoid as quickly as possible, but he tends to avoid accruing debts as much as possible. Most Valuable Possession: Some people might say it would be his bikes, and from a purely financial stand point it most definitely is, but according to Tierney it’s the Blackburn Syndicate, hands down.

Skills & Abilities

Physical Strength: Above Average | Average | Below Average

Tierney works out twice a day, every day, no exceptions. He needs to be in top physical condition for every job and now it’s just become a part of his daily habits. He’s supremely strong in his own right but mix his powers in with it and a supremely dedicated force of will he could probably lift a car above his head.

Speed: Above Average | Average | Below Average

Tierney isn’t the fastest hitman on the market but he’s perfectly capable of darting in and out of a situation with speed. It’s part of the job to act quickly and what he lacks in sheer speed he knows he more than makes up for elsewhere.

Intelligence: Above Average | Average | Below Average

Tierney never went to school. What schooling he did get the few years he had between testing and aging out was sporadic at best. He’s not ashamed of his faults but he doesn’t go around talking about them much either. Besides, being able to recite the presidents holds no bearing on his life choices so...what’s it matter? Tierney knows how to do his job exceptionally well. What Tierney doesn’t know ranges from complex math to the English Oxford Comma.

Accuracy: Above Average | Average | Below Average

Tierney’s powers require a certain degree of needed accuracy coupled with the fact he’s exceptionally talented with a range of deadly weapons. He prides himself in hitting exactly what he’s aiming at every time. Sure, he misses, but that usually because his target makes an unexpected move before he can account for it.

Agility: Above Average | Average | Below Average

He’s getting older, he won’t lie about that, and that’s starting to show. Tierney is less likely to look like a stunt double these days. No somersaults or daring roof top leaps happen these days. Besides, it’s more dramatic to sweep in like an avenging angel and sweep out just as quickly. Agility is good for running away. But you only run away when you get caught. And Tierney never gets caught.

Stamina: Above Average | Average | Below Average

Tierney’s powers are tied directly to his stamina. It’s taken him years and years of practice to build up the stamina he has now. He can use his powers for hours before he starts to feel winded and hours more before he gets tired. (Unless he goes for the super taxing activities like lifting buildings or psionic explosions.) It’s perhaps his greatest strength, his ability to keep going when others weaker than him might stop.

Teamwork: Ciara Sawyer is his go-to partner. Hell, most would call her his only partner. He doesn’t like working with other people and tries very hard not to do it. He will when he must but he’ll be begrudging about it the whole time. Talents/Hobbies: Motorcycles, Lockpicking, Murder Shortcomings: His sense of justice, the inability to kill someone who isn’t involved with what he’s doing. It’s a bonus he can erase minds when he wants to. Anyone who knows Tierney from work and outside of work knows he has a severe weak spot for his gang. Touch a hair on their heads and he tends to lose focus. Languages Spoken: English Drive?: Yes. A MV Agusta Brutale. Jump-Start a Car?: Yes Change a Flat Tire?: All the time. Ride a Bicycle?: No way. In hell. Swim?: Not because he likes to. Play an Instrument?: Nope Play Chess?: Yes Braid Hair?: No Tie a Tie?: Yes. Of course! Pick a Lock?: Oh hell yeah. With his mind. Cook?: Yes, but not well.

Physical Appearance & Characteristics

Faceclaim: Joel Kinnaman Eye Color: Brownish/Greenish Hair Color: Ashy Blonde Hair Type/Style/Length: Average/Well Kept/Short Glasses/Contacts?: None Dominant Hand: Right Height: 6′ 2″ Weight: 187lbs Build: Athletic Exercise Habits: Two session, morning and evening. Every day, two hours. With intermittent practice in between with others. Skin tone: Fair Tattoos: Left shoulder reaching to just below his elbow, spiders out to cover some of his chest and back. Got it to cover up an old gunshot scar. A faded string of numbers on his right arm (080879-58-05). Piercings: None Marks/Scars: Tierney is covered in scars. From battle wounds to childhood scrapes, to remnants of his life as a test mutant. Most can be found on his chest and back but part of why he wears pants and sleeves is to hide the others. Don’t want his identifying marks to get out and doesn’t like explaining to others what happened to him in order to get that many scars. Clothing Style: Dark colors, long pants, long sleeves, deep pockets. Usually a coat when the weather allows. The more places to hide the things he needs to work the better. But he cleans up well, he has plenty of suits in his closet too. Usually second hand stuff, the only time he buys something fancy is when he’s on a job. Jewelry: A set of dog tags labeling him a level five mutant. Nothing more. Allergies: None Diet: Average. More fast food than probably healthy. Physical Ailments: Stiff knees. Jumped off a few too many building in his younger years. Spent too many hours kneeling behind walls after that. They don’t bother him much but anyone with eyes can see they’re stiff. His left shoulder is also stiff, he favors it. Perhaps on of his worst gun shot injuries to date. It haunts him. And aches when the weather changes.

Psychology

MBTI Type: ISTJ-A (The Logistician)

ISTJs are often called inspectors. They have a keen sense of right and wrong, especially in their area of interest and/or responsibility. They are noted for devotion to duty. Punctuality is a watchword of the ISTJ. As do other Introverted Thinkers, ISTJs often give the initial impression of being aloof and perhaps somewhat cold. Effusive expression of emotional warmth is not something that ISTJs do without considerable energy loss. ISTJs are most at home with "just the facts, Ma'am." They seem to perform at highest efficiency when employing a step-by-step approach.

Enneagram Type: Type 6 (The Skeptic)

The committed, security-oriented type. Sixes are reliable, hard-working, responsible, and trustworthy. Excellent "troubleshooters," they foresee problems and foster cooperation, but can also become defensive, evasive, and anxious—running on stress while complaining about it. They can be cautious and indecisive, but also reactive, defiant and rebellious. They typically have problems with self-doubt and suspicion. At their Best: internally stable and self-reliant, courageously championing themselves and others.

Moral Alignment: Lawful Neutral

A lawful neutral character acts as law, tradition, or a personal code directs her. Order and organization are paramount to her. She may believe in personal order and live by a code or standard, or she may believe in order for all and favor a strong, organized government.

Temperament: Choleric

Cholerics are extroverted, quick-thinking, active, practical, strong-willed, and easily annoyed. They are self-confident, self-sufficient, and very independent minded. They are brief, direct, to the point, and firm when communicating with others.

Element: Earth & Fire Emotional Stability: Stable Introvert or Extrovert?: Introvert Obsession(s): Motorcycles. Tierney doesn’t know a lot outside of how to kill someone and get away with it. But he knows practically everything there is to know about motorcycles. How they work, how the break, how to fix them. Everything. Some would call him obsessed but Tierney calls it laser focused. Compulsion(s): Protecting his family. It’s what’s on his mind in every situation. All of his actions are dictated by this fact. Even for decisions that aren’t going to impact the Syndicate are measured against this need. It’s never occurred to him that it might, in fact, be a problem. It’s just natural. Phobia(s): Mutant testing facilities. It’s irrational, especially now, to be afraid of getting taken back to the white walled hellscape he grew up in. But he is. He scrubs his name clean where ever he goes and actively avoids anyone in a lab coat who starts asking questions. He even takes down fliers asking for mutants to ‘willingly’ submit to testing. He doesn’t talk about those years for damn good reasons. Addiction(s): None Drug Use: None Alcohol Use: Often Prone to Violence?: Always Prone to Crying?: No Believe in Love at First Sight?: No

Mannerisms

Accent: Depends. A bit of a hodgepodge of Boston and Midwestern. Tends to adapt to the common accent after a while when staying in a place for a prolonged period of time. Speech Quirks: None Hobbies: Motorcycle Repair, Motorcycle Rebuilding Habits: Spinning things in the air when he’s concentrating. Leg bouncing. Ordering more food than he can eat so he has left overs in the fridge. Nervous Ticks: Rubbing his nose and spinning objects in the air at high rates of speed. Drives/Motivations: Protecting his family. Fears: Losing his family, someone dying on him, being taken back in for testing. Sense of Humour?: Dry. Like the desert. Do They Curse Often?: Like. All the time.

Favorites

Animal: Bear Beverage: Heineken Beer and/or Black Coffee Book: None. Tierney hates reading. Color: Deep Green Food: Ciara’s Flower: None Gem: Emeralds Mode of Transportation: Motorcycles Scent: Fresh brewed coffee, rain on the horizon, motorcycle oil, pizza grease on your fingers Sport: Football and Hockey Weather: Rain Vacation Destination: None

Attitudes

Greatest Dream: End mutant testing. Tierney sees nothing productive in the act and goes out of his way to end it whenever and wherever he can. Mutants are people. Not lab rats to be poked at or taken away from their families. Greatest Fear: Losing one of his family and being taken back for mutant testing. Most at Ease When: Elbow deep in one of his bikes with of his closest friends lounging on the couch across the way. Least as Ease When: He doesn’t know what’s going on around him. When his plans has fallen through and he’s no longer in control of what’s happening around him. Worst Possible Thing That Could Happen: Alma being murdered. Biggest Achievement: Taking out the president of the company that held him as a test subject when he was a child. Biggest Regret: He has exactly Eleven. Eleven deaths that weren’t supposed to happen but did.

[fnaf-sxc]

Any thoughts on, what you'll do with the unfinished M!As that you have on here?

FUCK

TL:DR: I might scrap the Magic Anons that are unfinished, I want to rework old ideas and comics but not make major changes to the AU, Im waiting for Security Breach for an idea I have.

Long ver under the cut:

I’ve re-reading parts of my AU to unlock the plot of them from my memories, its been interesting and some-what cringe worth it, mostly because my english was bleeagghhh, somewhat worst to the level I have now (?) I still dont know the time verbs but jfc sometimes the english text was literally a spanish phrase, that only sound good in spanish. 

There are also some topics in the AUs that I felt I did poorly, because I was younger and way inexperienced in storytelling... still, I still love a lot of things I did for the AU and even when there are some I wish i didnt implemented, I had fun

I am currently reworking the first meeting of Dark and Spring in a mini comic format because HOLY that is an old comic and is show poorly (i dont know if i should go with gijinka, animatronic or the furry ver (?))

As for Magic Anons... mhhhh

I quickly check just now and... well, is complicated, because retake them would mean reconect with the original ideas i had before and like i said, i didnt like how i introduced and potrayed some things, specially in The Spin Set, which was the first AU I did 100% myself, without talking and rambling to a friend to collectivelly make ideas... and I feel im weak when I do ideas on my own jklaghsjkd

The M!A that are left are Phantoms in the Room (pretty light hearted, nowhere to go), Big Bun (lighthearted, nowhere to go), Dominant (im somewhat uncomfy with this, nowhere to go) and Age Storm, which for some reason I begin to add actual plot to The Spin Set to it and because I begin to make it heavier, I begin to ignore the main plot jkhaskdas.

At first M!A were supposed to be a lighthearted escape from the AUs, unpredicteable and overall fun, but after I completed one and read it in one go I re-read it and is very messy chronologically, things happen too slow or too fast, there is nothing planned so is super weird and I didnt like that, so I begin to use M!S and try to think on a plot and make the asks interact and guide it, but I knew what story I wanted to tell and what I had to do. Which is why I also add rules to the ask and overall ignore thoses who were trying to gain control over what I was showing, what I was telling.

If anything this is the main base of the Sonic AU project im currently working, im telling a story, i know whats going to happen and what will happen, and people can send asks and interact, but never interfeer. I am the puppet master, and as much people want to take the lead and make me change the story, they cant.

I guess I complitelly broke the whole magic of the Magic Anons heh, but it was because It made me uncomfy to not be in control of my own story, and make a flip-flop comic had make no sence when I finished it. 

I used to had in mind “how do I make a comic that people like enough to want to do a comic dub about it?” and work towards that idea, make comics that were insteresting, had a structure and look atractive (as much as it can being a plain doodle and not fullcolor).... I even make a few myself to fullfill that desire I had. This is a problem I still had till today, I know it sounds selfish when I write it and people read it, but it was like a “personal goal”, the “reach this level of professionalism in your work”.

I dont think I want to retake the 5(6?) AUs I worked on originally, the whole “Silververse”, at least not with how they are currently. Like I said, there were choices I made that I didnt like when I re-read them, but i still have some nostalgia about it. 

I know The Fright is the only AU that has an end (which is not very good written im so sorry I wish i could write), Nightmare World never got to the endgame since I could never fully work on Nightmare/Golden relationship, their toxicity and their redemption to start like a healthy couple, The Spin Set has 2 endings and the more I remember them, the more I realize I had to do a lot to even get to the endgame stage, I never get to fully work on Purgatory Simulator and UCN is a whole new thing that I want to work on in the future.

There are 2 things I regret that I did a lot in the AUs and is hightly tied to how emotionally inmature I was back in 2015-2016, but I dont want to enter in discussion, All i want to say is that I can make it better, I can make it great.

I want to give closure but I cant in the current state things are, I need to fix but note errase the original aura this had. And with my FNaF hype back bc all it took was see the FNaF AR animatronics move like animatronics (bc this series at some point stop being about animatronics and more about “What did Mr Afton did now?????”), I want to work on things.

Here is the plan I have:

I want to rework a few comics, maybe not all of them, but a few, maybe add a few more to patch parts of the story I felt needed to be fixed.The Fright had ended, I could pulish it. Nightmare World never reach endgame even with all the backstory of the nightmares, I could make it happen. The Spin Set needed more development before I reach the 2 endings, I could make that happen, even better to what I had in mind before. Purgatory Simulator could be a short AU comparated to The Spin Set, but dense and straight to the point, and it would be great.

But that takes time, a lot of time, specially when Im just entering the world of being a freelancer, not having a stable job to sustent myself, and a lot of different projects Im working on and I dont want to leave behind. But i could do it, if you believe in me and have patience that I always come back, I could do it.

I also want to have fun, and not tie myself to anything.

On the other hand... I had an idea for another AU that includes UCN, FNAF VR, FNAF AR and the upcoming FNAF SB. It wouldnt be part of “Silververse” because the end of thoses is FNAF SL and FNAF 6, not a continuation as there would be too many timelines, but a frash start on another verse... this time in hands of another Nightmare Puppet, not Nightmarionne.

I have ideas, i’ve working on designs of thoses games for fun and to check if it could work, but I cannot do much till the new game is out. Its an idea I would like to do, and if I fail well, at least I will make comics about it.

So yeah- sorry for the long explanation/rant, Mr Hippo is my spirit animal (?). I guess this was a weight i begin to carry since 2016, the “work on too many things and only about one series” expecting to have something in return, so when my Sonic Forces art begin to have that recognition I lean more on that side.

But you know what? I graduated as an Illustrator, and along all thoses years I connected to the idea that I draw to make myself happy, and make people happy is such a bonus that makes me more happy.

I love FNaF, I dont have to tie and restrict myself for something I love, love is free and I can perfectly draw and be into something for months and then move to a different place, as long as it makes me happy.

And as long you sitll have fun with my content, things will be okay

[gabrielchangx]

What does your designation mean to you?  What does it mean to be A Dominant?  A Switch? Or a submissive?

@callmemissmia

A dominant is a person who likes to have the perceived power in a situation.  Usually, they’re the one controlling the experience, directing a partner and delivering sensations and stimulation. Some people might like engaging in these dynamics during BDSM play or sex only, while others like to incorporate them into their relationship and overall lifestyle. Most dominants in media are portrayed as cruel and unreasonable or troubled and insecure, so if you’re looking to mainstream media to find your gold star example... you’ve gone to the wrong place.. I don’t think there has been a healthy representation of what a stable, sane dominate can be. If you’re out to cause real harm to people, exploring dominance is not for you. Power play is about exploring safety within boundaries, in a mutually beneficial dynamic. It is never about simply doing whatever you please with someone" Since so many misconceptions about Doms exist in the media, questions like this can be helpful in learning about BDSM, in all its forms.

There are a myriad of ways to navigate a Dom experience. However, whatever role or dynamic is unfolding, the most important aspect to keep in mind is consent. People exploring Dom/sub dynamics and BDSM play have some of the most involved conversations about consent and include many safety measures to ensure everyone is happy and taken care of. 

One of the "traps" associated with being dominant in a BDSM relationship (which is also a common pitfall for many a novice Dom or Domme) is placing far too much emphasis on expectations and fantasies without stopping to consult or confer or even pay attention to those of the other person. We think "Dominant" and immediately fantasize about power and control and exercising those desires, without acknowledging the reality that we are not the only person here. Somehow that can get lost and we assume that "Dominant" means just that, and the other person is just a replaceable prop we are playing with. Then, to make matters worse, we have the potential to get angry when said person voices an objection — in this case, a perfectly reasonable, nay, important gesture — and we react as such.

There is a huge misconception that dominant and submissive dynamics do not include consent — one person simply gives all power to the other. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Prioritizing consent and healthy boundaries is super important in fully understanding Dom play and activities. Although it can sometimes seem as if a Dom wants complete control over their partner(s), oftentimes, Dom sex or play is about perceived control in a roleplaying or dynamic. People who explore dominance are rarely wanting to actually control another person completely. (Though some do, and this falls into 24/7 play and is still NOT about that control, the control is a side effect) Rather, most play that incorporates power dynamics is about roleplaying scenarios and subverting societal norms, like traditional gender roles. Someone who enjoys being dominate is exploring their fantasies of control and what it would be like to have authority over someone. From subverting gender norms to exploring control fantasies, being a Dom or incorporating dominance into your sex or romantic life can be an empowering way to recreate societal power dynamics.

I think of being a Dominant in the same way that some people think of being a parent. Whoever it is that is submitting to you is basically your ward, and you are charged with making sure they stay happy and healthy. You want to teach them and train them, stripping away any bad habits and replacing them with healthy ones. You want to make sure that they are fulfilling their obligations, and that they aren’t stretching themselves too thin. If they have trouble, you want to help them without giving them the answer yourself because you want them to learn and grow. What they do reflects on who you are as a Dominant-- a bad parent and a bad Dominant look bad in the same ways and can be abusive or neglectful in the same ways. Of course, I don’t view Submissives as children, but the analogy is the easiest way that I find to explain how I view the impact and importance of a D/s. I fully believe that the two types of people that will affect and change a Submissive the most are their family and their Dominant. 

And it’s when you consider the fact that a Dominant is as important as a parent in shaping a Submissive as a whole that you realize how important it is to be a responsible Dominant. Nobody can fuck up a Submissive more than their family and their Dominant. Nobody is trusted as much and nobody is more responsible. A Dominant has to be able to think clearly, even through the fantasy, in order to maintain the order and control that those involved in the moment have previously agreed upon. This doesn’t just mean sex either; you can’t get overzealous when it comes to service of any kind. Being a Dominant means being mature enough to put oneself second, even when it feels like you’re the one that is on top and you should be able to do anything because “you’ve got the power position.” Because whoever it is that happens to be submitting to trusts you, and they trust you to follow the rules that you laid out before things began. It is a Dominant’s responsibility to make sure that there is always proper care given, that no steps are skipped over (like consent conversations or aftercare). 

That isn’t to say that being a Dominant means that you are perfect or that you must strive for perfection. Some of us can’t help it or still wish to find it, but it’s not all on us. Although BDSM can look different for everyone, healthy Dom/Sub dynamics are always built on consent and communication. From enjoying the perceived control to wanting to subvert gender roles, Doms can take on many forms. And while Doms may be the ones calling the shots, Dom/sub sex isn’t all about them. Remember it's not about being bossy, it's about being the boss. Being the boss means taking care of everything below you so that the foundation of everything keeping you on top doesn’t fall. There is no domination without someone that is willing to submit to you. 

Here are three key factors a Dominant must keep in mind at all times when embarking on a BDSM relationship with a Submissive.

1. The Dominant is not (really) in charge.

It doesn't need to be this way. Not at all, not ever, and especially not with someone who trusts you enough to be "in charge" of a scene or fantasy. Because it must be emphasized repeatedly: as a Dominant you are not in charge. At best, you are a co-author in this story and as such, you need to be aware of your partner as much as you are of yourself.

Do not be a jerk.

Do not abase yourself by acting like a tyrant. It's easy to power trip as a Dominant during a scene, and there are altered states that may happen to you (known variously as dom-space, top-space, other various terms).

The power dynamic is important here. As a dominant, you are deriving your sensual experience and potency from being in that role, but being a Dominant isn't just calling yourself Master or Mistress and flogging someone. In fact, being a dominant might not include any traditional elements of dominant play at all; it can reside in a look, a facial expression, a heavy breath or a selection of choice words that evoke a sense of power, strength and authority.

By and large, communication is the priority.

A good dominant knows when to listen, when to take action, and when to step back. This is just as important to you as it is to whoever you are within the scene, if not more so. The Dominant is the one who has to be in control not only of the scene but of themselves, at least for the duration of the scene. Your play partner is the one who is trusting you to be a safe person and to create a safe space for them to express their own pleasures, their own pain, their own desires and their own shadows.

They are trusting your sense of control over yourself.

2. Dominants must practice safety and self-control.

The first part of this consideration is safety.

There's the obvious side of safety in kink and in sex in general. The submissive partner — whether known as a bottom, a sub or some other term — is trusting you with their physical safety. And believe me, there's a whole associated cluster of both power-triggered arousal, euphoria and fear that comes packaged in with it. Even as a Dominant you can, and likely will, experience fear, anxiety, concern, and awkwardness. This is normal. 

Have contraception and safer sex been discussed? What tools will you be employing for this specific scene and how can the scene be as physically safe as possible within those boundaries and within that context?

While both partners are responsible for ensuring the scene proceeds faithfully and properly, the Dominant needs to be the one to remember to check in regularly during the scene using the agreed upon safewords and other methods of communication that should be established before the rope is even taken out of its bag.

Seriously, before you even try to set a scene, you need to know how to end it. Communication is key, even if a ball gag is in use.

Once the scene begins and emotions are flying around, endorphins start pumping through the blood and both of you become lost in your respective roles, so things can sour pretty quickly if both parties forget what they are doing.

As the Dominant, you must be fully aware of your actions and your partner's reactions. Always.

There should also be safety scissors if necessary, such as if you are doing any sort of bondage play, just in case either partner start feeling a lack of circulation in their limbs — or need to be cut/untied immediately.

You may have heard the phrase "safe, sane, and consensual" when hearing about kink. That's a good one, but I'd like to off the guiding phrase we use as a subsititute: RACK.

RACK stands for risk-aware consensual kink and is often used to describe situations in which some risk is known. Perhaps your play partner is autistic or under treatment for depression. Perhaps they get panic attacks every now and then, and while they are eager to play, want to talk about what you can do if they start a panic attack in the middle of playtime. Or perhaps you have back pain or an old ankle injury you need to adjust for.

Other aspects of risk are included as well; with things like flogging or hot wax or rope. When pain and pleasure blend together, it's always possible to forget you are in fact causing harm for the sake of ecstasy. There's a line there can be crossed easily if you don't always keep that in mind.

Any possible risk factor, including prescription medications, STIs, and/or pregnancy, must be discussed and mitigated. How you discuss this and what you decide to do about it is up to you and your partner. Sometimes it only takes a few words. Sometimes a longer conversation takes place. And sometimes there is a continuing dialogue. This ties into the second point.

The second part of this conversation is personal. The prospective Dominant must be self-aware.

Skills and limitation awareness may seem like a no-brainer, but in early days as a Dominant, I’ve seen people handle tools awkwardly because they were afraid of them due to personal baggage surrounding bondage and gender roles. Once they unpacked their feelings about WHY they were handling their tools awkwardly, they become a much more capable Dominant. It also helps that to certain to handle your tools first — feeling how the rope holds knots when tied to your arm or wrists first, for example, before applying untested rope to your partner during play.

We've seen prospective Dominants who think that all they need to do to be dominant is to shout at or threaten your partner and have gear like chains or rope or a gag.

We all have read about a certain trashy novel that suggested that chains and cable ties are a good thing. No, they're not. And an experienced Dom will know this. They will be familiar and comfortable with their toys and tools. They will observe their subs and act according to what makes them feel comfortable. Dominants may shout at their partners, certainly, but only within the boundaries the partners set together in advance.

This goes for being aware of their own individual shortcomings and faults as well. Know thyself, the saying goes, and a Dominant should at least be on a journey to know themselves and what they want in order to best nurture their submissives.

If you're interested in becoming a Dominant, you don't need to have all the answers, but you do need to be willing to explore where your baggage comes from and what you can do about it. You need to take responsibility for your own actions. Will you make mistakes? Yes, you're a human.

People are going to make some mistakes along the way, sooner or later. That's part of gaining experience and leveling up.

This also means that if there are risk factors or hard limits YOU have, you must discuss them with your prospective partners as well. Just because you are the Dominant in the relationship that doesn't mean your partner has no agency or power of their own.

Do you want your partner to be able to look you in the eye and tell you something is wrong or that something you did or said bothers them? Does the submissive partner — if the D/s dynamic is maintained outside of the bedroom — have a choice (or an expectation) to call you after?

Are there other protocols that might help you and your partner feel secure?

3. Remember that all people practice D/s a bit differently.

The third key thing to keep in mind as a Dominant is to be aware that people are all different.

Even if there are two Dominants using similar tools (say, both use flogging) who come from similar backgrounds, they are still two distinct people. There are many types of dominance and submission play, and Dominants also have different flavors, even if the tools they use are the same. What bothers one may not bother another. One person's hard limit may be a non-issue for someone else, and so on.

What this means is that you need to start at ground zero with communication and introspection with each and every new partner.

One example of variation is what the Dominant is called and what language they might use. Some Dominants prefer the use of particular terminology to address them and the terminology itself may have a particular meaning.

For example, a Dominant partner may insist on being called "Sir," with the first letter capitalized to symbolically represent the power dynamic when in a scene or discussing a scene. Another Dominant may be simply "Jane," while another Dominant may not use their given name at all during a scene but instead a title. Some Dominants pay close attention to how titles can be loaded with gender norms and expectations, and/or with racial supremacy undertones. "Master" can carry very different connotations than "Mistress" and unpacking those titles and feelings about them may be useful.Feel "Sir" is too masculine for you and want to go by "Ser" instead? Sure.Really like how being called "Your Majesty" makes you feel? Go right ahead.Don't want to use an honorific at all? Sure. This goes for tools too. Just because a Dominant might use one particular tool does not mean every dominant who uses that tool takes the same approach.

[ghostlywritten]

When I Was Your Man (Epilogue)

A/N: haha, you thought it was the end...well, it kinda was.

Words: 5k

I puffed out a sigh as I handed out the change to yet another customer. Looking at the clock I was relieved to see it would only take another ten minutes and I would be done for today.

My eyes were dropping unwillingly as I absently cleaned the counter. The kiosk I was working at was open 24 hours and it was almost midnight now. I had to take this as a second job after leaving my husband for good. It was enough to pay off the rent of a small apartment I was sharing with a fellow student called Lilou and buy some groceries. After I had left Antoine's house that day, I had handed over the divorce papers to his lawyer - whom I knew because he was also a close friend of Antoine's, stating clearly that I didn't want anything but the divorce, hoping they wouldn't have to contact me because of any marriage settlements and that I wouldn't have to see my husband again. Fortunately, they never did.

A slight ache filled my chest as I thought of him. The last time I had seen him was quite the tearful event and I had yet to forget his blue eyes brimming with water. I would never say that I regretted leaving...but I did miss him. A lot.

“You can leave now, Ads,” the old man, who was the owner of this little shop, told me, patting my back good-naturedly.

“Thanks,” I breathed, glad for the distraction, “I will come back by 6 tomorrow?”

“Sure thing, hun. Don’t overdo it.”

I chuckled, taking my jacket and opening the back door, “I’ll try.” He knew I had another job at the clothing store, which went from nine to five pm. It had to be like this, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to keep myself above the surface.

Trudging back home, I shivered slightly at the cool breeze but enjoyed it nonetheless; it was very refreshing after a hard day. And the fact that it was so nice and quiet at this hour was another plus. I remembered that one time I had went on a spontaneous midnight walk with Antoine.

“How do you know if you’ve fallen in love?” Antoine asked, his hands crossed behind his head as he strolled next to me.

“It usually starts with asking someone how you know if you’ve fallen in love,” I replied, thinking back on how I had asked his Gran the same question.

“Yeah, but how do you know the exact moment? Like, I can’t even tell when I’ve fallen for you,” he said, throwing his arm around my shoulder to pull me closer, “I just suddenly knew that I do.” My heart skipped a beat at his open display of affection.

“Well, that’s how it happens most of the time, I guess. You start liking someone and suddenly you love them,” I mused, “It could only take a specific, simple thing the person is doing that would make you realise it.”

“When did you realise it?” Antoine wondered.

“When I asked your Gran exactly what you just asked,” I chuckled and he giggled along, nuzzling my hair.

“And you?”

“Hm...I think when I saw you in my jersey,” he said thoughtfully and I rolled my eyes.

“Of course.”

“And when you were there when I received that Cup,” he continued, stopping in his tracks, “How you were there at every game with your veggie soup-”

“I didn’t bring any soup with me,” I pointed out.

“Shut it, I’m trying to be romantic,” he scolded, flicking my forehead.

“Okay, okay,” I laughed, feeling shy. It hadn’t been that long since we had admitted our love to each other and I was still not used to it, yet.

“I really can’t believe you’re still with me after all I’ve done,” he said quietly, grazing my hand with his fingers.

“Me neither,” I joked light-heartedly to which he glared at me playfully. I watched him close his beautiful eyes and bite his lips.

“I don’t deserve you,” he whispered and my heart softened at his vulnerable state, “I sometimes fear you’re going to realise that and leave.”

Placing my hands on his cheeks, I pulled him closer to rest our foreheads against each other. “I admit I had thought a lot of times about leaving,” his breath hitched, “But I never did. And after everything is revealed now and there are no more secrets between us, there is no reason for any of us to go...” He smiled and leaned down to pull me into a passionate kiss.

Well, there had still been secrets between us and they were severe enough to make us drift apart.

So, here I was, walking down the same path I had once done with him in the pitch darkness. Three years later.

-

“Can you believe there only a few days left and we will officially graduate!” my roommate Lilou squealed, stirring the ramen in the pot.

I nodded with a grin as I chopped some vegetables next to her. Although it had taken a long while we had managed to establish a stable co-existence in the three years of living together. “I don’t think I will truly process it all until I have that certificate in my hand.”

“And then we’re going to be lawyers, yaaaay!” she cheered, “I’m so done with university.”

“Me too, my brain is all mushy after all these exams,” I said with a yawn, stretching my limbs.

“I still don’t get how you’ve managed to pass them all with two jobs at the same time,” she said, incredulously.

“Well, I did pass them all but not exactly with flying colours,” I sighed, disappointed.

“Who cares. You still got job offers and that’s what counts,” Lilou said, placing a bowl with steaming noodles in front of me, “Cheers!”

I laughed, “You forgot the vegetables.”

She pouted, “Are they even needed in ramen?”

“No, but they’re healthy,” I insisted, adding the chopped goods into the pot.

“No, but they’re healthy,” Lilou mocked and I glared at her playfully. “You’re like my mom.”

“She’s going to be happy that you have me as your roommate then,” I sniffed, stirring the noodles.

“She actually is,” she giggled just as her phone rang, “Oh! Mathis is calling! Excuse me.” I smiled fondly at her excitement as I watched her pick up and leave the room with a bounce in her step. Love can do that to you.

Looking down with a sigh, I absently proceeded to fill two bowls up, the ghost of Antoine jumping around me in happiness at the prospect of food.

“You seriously make the best food, Addy!”

I shook my head quickly and walked towards the small table in the kitchen just as Lilou came back.

“Sorry, I had to take that,” she said, eagerly taking one of the bowls for her.

“No need to apologise,” I replied and she smiled. “Mathis was just asking whether I had time tomorrow for a little dinner date,” she rambled as we started eating.

I hummed, “Good. As far as I know you’d be lazing around otherwise.”

She pouted, “Would not!” I raised an eyebrow and she sighed in defeat, “Okay, I would.”

“Anyways, you remember his friend Jacques from that party, right?”

“The one you forced me to go to?”

“Exactly,” she said, snapping her fingers, “He was the one with the super broad shoulders and great hair, you know?”

“I guess. Why do you ask?” I asked, dreading her answer as she smiled coyly.

“Well, a bird twittered me that he might or might not be very interested in having a date with you-”

I sighed.

“-and since he is too shy to ask, Mathis is suggesting a double date tomorrow.”

“No, thank you,” I said plainly and her face dropped.

“Oh come on, Addy!”

“Nope, I’m good.”

“Why though? You haven’t had a boyfriend in the past three years and this is your golden time. He’s such a gentleman, you would love him,” she tried to convince me but I shook my head resolutely.

“You know that I just got out of a marriage, Lilou.” I had told her one day when we had talked about past relationships and stuff, but not exactly what happened to cause a divorce.

“That was years ago, Addy. You can’t be hung up on the past,” she said softly and I wished it would be that easy.

“I’m not ready, yet, Lilou,” I said quietly, “And it wouldn’t be fair on any guy to date them with only half a heart.”

Lilou sighed, exasperated, “As mature as that sounds - and I applaud you for that - you don’t necessarily have to think you’re looking for a rebound. More like someone, who can help you heal with their love for you.”

“Even so, this is not the right time for it,” I said, swishing the noodles around in my bowl, “We’ll graduate in a few days and then I’m going to start working. I need to stay focused and dating would only distract me from everything I’ve worked for for so long.”

“I get that, really,” Lilou replied, staying silent for a second, “But I fear you will get stuck too deep into your career to ever find time for a relationship once you start.”

That was what I was aiming for but she didn’t need to know that. As nice as it would be to have a romantic happy ending, the world simply didn’t work like that in my case. Ever since my marriage I had developed major trust issues that I hadn’t been able to overcome, yet. Even Lilou, who I had known for years now and who never did anything to me, didn’t know half of the things that had happened in the past because I simply didn’t want to be vulnerable. And confiding in someone would make me vulnerable.

And not only her, I had kept everyone a good distance away. Jennifer, who had tried to reach out for me after that disaster of a party, left for England in despair after I had picked up only one of her calls, asking for some time alone and that I would call her back. Which I never did.

Olivier, who I hadn’t been that close to, but who still took my phone number from his wife to ask whether I was okay to which I could hardly keep my sobs in.

Gran, whose calls I didn’t even pick up but listened to her voicemails, her soft voice that used to be so soothing only sending chills down my spine after knowing that she had played with us like puppets.

My father, whom I was surprised had bothered to call at all only to hear him scold me for throwing Mother out of the hotel room. I had ended the call during his mid-rant.

All of them, who had been part of my everyday life (mostly), had been cut off without mercy. I simply couldn’t face them anymore without being reminded of that part of my life.

Though the past would always come back to haunt you.

And my past came to haunt me one day before graduation in form of my former best friend knocking on my door.

“Cateline,” I whispered, my throat turning dry in a second.

She looked at me with eyes so painfully familiar, so painfully friendly, reminding me of all the years we had shared together before Antoine came along, overshadowed by her cruel actions.

“Hey, Adeline,” she greeted me softly, swallowing nervously.

“What are you doing here?” I asked in shock, “How did you find me?”

“Well, I knew you were going to this university and I asked around a bit, showing a picture of you. It took me about an hour and a few embarrassing knocks on wrong doors to get here,” she said, chuckling sheepishly.

“Why would you come here?”

“I...can I come in first?”

“No.”

She winced at the cold tone in my voice and shuffled her feet anxiously. “O-okay. First and foremost, I came to apologise. And I know I’m three years late, but it took me that long to find the courage to actually face you again.”

“I don’t think an apology is going to get us anywhere, Cateline.”

“I didn’t expect that,” she said quickly, “I know we can’t go back to how we used to but I’d like to at least say sorry once-”

“Great, you said it. Now bye,” I said, trying to close the door but she held it open.

“Please, Addy. Hear me out!”

“What? What else do you want?”

“I would like to explain.”

“What do you want to explain?” I asked incredulously, raising my voice, “Like, seriously. What’s the point? I’m not going to forgive you and no reason on earth can justify that you slept with my husband whilst faking a friendship with me!”

“It wasn’t fake, Addy! Come on, we’ve been friends for years before Antoine happened.”

“Yes, did you ever think about that when you met up with my ex behind my back?”

She breathed in shakily, “Yes. Of course. I felt so guilty. But I couldn’t help but fall for him and when he reciprocated my feelings...it just happened.”

“Yeah...because stuff like that just happens,” I muttered, rubbing my forehead as a headache was forming. “Cateline, there’s really no point of you being here.”

“I...I’m sorry, Adeline,” she said with tears forming in her eyes, “And I wish I never let a guy come between us.”

I nodded, sucking my lips in as my own eyes watered slightly. “Me too.”

She gulped, nodding as well before she slowly turned around to leave when she halted and faced me again. “I also have something for you...from Antoine.”

My breath hitched as she held up a ring; my stolen wedding ring to be precise. “H-how?”

“I had talked to Antoine to apologise to him as well before I came here. He told me that he flew over to Russia to search the boy, who’s stolen it from you, but never had to courage to face you after he found it...we’re pretty similar in that aspect,” she chuckled weakly as I kept staring at the sparkling wedding band, “So he asked me to give it to you in his stead.”

My hand shook as I picked it up, swallowing tightly. “...thanks.”

“If you can, you should forgive him. He’s taking this divorce pretty badly.”

“Ditto,” I replied quietly, my voice breaking slightly.

-

The next day started with red, puffy eyes and a pounding headache. Not the best way to begin your graduation day.

“As if I’m hungover again,” I grumbled, remembering that one time in Russia where I had woken up the same way, only that I was naked and had lost my virginity. I chuckled. Even up to this day I couldn’t remember a single thing from that night.

“Addy! Get up!” Lilou yelled from the other room, “Today is the day!”

“I’m up,” I shouted back, running a hand over my face with a groan.

“Now, there’s the grad girl,” my roommate said as she strolled. She flinched, “Holy shit, you look like crap!”

“Thanks a lot,” I grumbled.

“What happened?” she wondered, settling down on the bed next to me.

“Nothing much. Just the past haunting me,” I said vaguely.

“Ah, right...what?”

I chuckled. “Don’t worry about it. Right now, I just wanna celebrate how we are over with university now!”

“Okay...You better get ready then. The ceremony starts in two hours!”

I took a long, hot shower, trying to forget about yesterday’s encounter. It might have not helped that I had stared at the ring all night, all memories flooding back that I had tried to so desperately to push down. ‘You graduate today, Adeline,’ I thought to myself, ‘A new point in life is starting for you. Focus on that.’

Stepping out of the bathroom, my eyes immediately caught sight of the ring on the bed. A heavy sigh escaped my lips as I went over and picked it up, observing it quietly. It wasn’t big or fancy, just a small silver band with a small diamond and our names engraved on the inside.

I put it on my ring finger, reminiscing in the familiar feeling of it. My chest burned at the nostalgic rush that went through me. I knew I was missing him deeply.

“Addy! Mathis said he would pick us up in about an half an hour. Be ready!” Lilou exclaimed, efficiently breaking me out of my stupor.

“Crap,” I muttered, still in my bathrobe and my hair dripping wet.

Blow drying my hair had never taken so agonisingly slow as I tried to do my makeup at the same time.

Finishing up I grimaced at my own face. “Eh...could be worse,” I muttered, cursing under my breath when I only had another ten minutes left. I rushed over to the small wardrobe, eyes flicking through the three dresses I had.

I bit my lip, fingering the one I had been wearing at the last party at Antoine’s home. It would have been a nice blissful day, a sweet memory if everything had gone the way I had expected it to. I wondered if the people present at that party still remembered me and the most humiliating moment of my life, whether they were laughing about it or pitying me.

“It’s a really cute dress,” Lilou said from behind me, causing me to flinch in surprise.

“Dear God, when did you come in?”

Lilou giggled, “Around five minutes ago. I was wondering when you would stop spacing out but it got boring after a while.”

My eyes widened when I heard a knock on the front door. “Put it on, I will entertain Mathis. If you know what I mean,” my roommate said, winking suggestively. I rolled my eyes but did as ordered, swiftly putting the dress on.

“I’m done, stop snogging each other,” I said, walking past the smooching couple on the couch as I grabbed my purse.

Mathis chuckled, “Hey Addy. You excited for today?”

“Obviously. I’ve been waiting for this for three years,” I said with a grin, which he reciprocated.

“I can tell. I remember when I graduated-”

“Which was a decade ago, now chop chop. We’re late,” Lilou cut him off, rushing past him and outside.

We followed her with her boyfriend grumbling, “It was only two years ago.”

-

I had to admit I almost teared up when I finally received that scroll up on the stage with a crowd cheering in front of me. I shook the headmasters and professors’ hands before looking over at the mass of people. I could see them all clapping out of simple politeness, which was a bit depressing to think about. But I smiled when I saw Mathis and Lilou hollering like crazy whilst Jacques stood next to them, trying to pretend he didn’t know them.

Laughing at them I carefully climbed down the stairs, hoping not to trip like the one before me.

“We did it!” Lilou squealed, squishing me into a hug after the ceremony.

“Yes, we did!” I exclaimed, not being able to contain myself.

“Group hug!” Mathis yelled, crushing us both against his chest and Jacques joined in with a laugh. I felt warmth at their action and squeezed them tightly as they shared this special moment with me.

“We gotta celebrate this,” Jacques suggested and we nodded in agreement.

“Sounds great! I’m gonna tell my parents real quick!” Lilou agreed eagerly, tugging Mathis along with her.

I bit my lip at the sudden silence, smiling awkwardly at Jacques, who had his hands stuffed in his pockets and a shy grin on his face.

“Congratulations,” he cheered with a laugh, squeezing my arm gently and I chuckled.

“Thank you, I still can’t really believe it. It’s like a dream.”

“Yeah, I felt that way too...you will wake up on your first day at work,” he said, causing us both to laugh. “You know where you’ll start, yet?”

“I got a few offers but I don’t know, which one to accept. It’s a big decision.”

Jacques nodded. “Take your time.” Another silence and I sighed inwardly at the awkward tension, trying to come up with some topic when he spoke up again, “Hey, um...can you tell me why that guy over there has been staring at you for the past three minutes?”

“Huh?” I turned around to follow his line of sight.

“It’s kind of creepy,” he commented, nodding in the general direction. My eyes widened when I met Antoine’s.

“What on earth...,” I muttered, my heartbeat quickening. I watched him shuffle nervously before he strolled over in an overly casual but determined manner.

“Do you know him?” Jacques asked though I could only hear him vaguely. I glanced around panicked, not knowing whether I wanted Antoine to come over or not whilst he kept getting closer.

“Adeline,” he spoke and I closed my eyes, listening to his melodic voice after being deprived of it for so long.

“Hey, mate. I don’t know who you are, but please don-”

“Jacques,” I interrupted him shakily, “Don’t worry, I know him. Could you leave us alone for a minute?” Mathis’ friend looked down at me with a crease on his forehead before nodding and walking off.

I hesitated in turning back to face him but did so anyways, looking at his sneakers.

“Can you please look at me?” he asked, his voice pained. Taking a deep breath I glanced up. My heart rate took a screeching halt when I gazed into his ocean blue eyes and I almost gasped at the amount of emotions that rushed through me.

He smiled slightly, his eyes flickering through my face as he took in my appearance. I cursed myself for not taking care of my makeup but then cursed myself again for even caring what he thought when I tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. “You look great. Graduation suits you well,” he said, chuckling slightly.

I nodded. “Thank you.”

“E-ehm...congratulations by the way,” he stuttered and he held up a bouquet of my favourite flowers for me that I hadn’t noticed until now. I took it, almost flinching at the electric shock that rushed through my veins when his fingers brushed mine.

“Thank you,” I said again mechanically.

“Um, I found out the ceremony is today and wanted to congratulate you in person...despite everything that happened I wanted to say I’m really proud of you,” he answered my unasked question, scratching his neck.

“Thank you...” I cringed at how repetitive my responses, “I-I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting you or anyone for that matter to come. It's quite the surprise.”

“Well, I’ll be glad to surprise you once more. Jen and Olli are waiting eagerly to congratulate you as well,” Antoine said with a grin as he looked behind me. And not a second later did I jump when two bodies collided against my back.

“Congratulations Addy/Snoring Beauty!” The Giroud pair shouted from the top of their lungs.

“You guys! What are you doing here?” I asked in delighted shock as I turned towards their beaming faces.

“Girl, you think I would miss your graduation?” Jennifer asked, crushing me into another hug. I felt tears well up in my eyes as I wrapped my arms around her as well. Despite the fact that I had pushed them away they still decided to come over and spent the most important day of my life with me.

“You...I...this-” I stuttered, trying to portray my gratefulness and say sorry at the same time but I was too choked up.

“We get it,” Olivier said, patting my head affectionately. I smiled thankfully before being reminded of the person standing behind me.

“Oh my God. Is that Antoine Griezmann and Olivier Giroud?” Mathis exclaimed in shock as he approached us with Lilou and her parents.

“Friends?” Jennifer asked, still holding onto my arms, and I nodded. “Then yes, they are,” she said with a grin and I chuckled when I saw Mathis seemingly close to fainting. He was a passionate football fan to say the least.

Antoine cleared his throat, catching my attention again. I observed him shoot the Giroud pair a demanding look to which they reacted immediately.

“I bet, you’re a big fan,” Olivier said, approaching Mathis with Jennifer, “Let’s talk about how much of a fan of mine you are over there.”

And once again, I was alone with my ex-husband. “Um, thank you for coming,” I said too politely.

He nodded and I felt a bit uncomfortable at his intense gaze. “Addy,” he started softly and dared to take a step closer, sighing quietly in relief when I didn’t move away. “I-I had a whole speech planned out about what I would say when I saw you again, but somehow I can’t remember a single word of it,” he chuckled almost desperately.

I took a deep breath. “You had Cateline give me the wedding ring...,” I trailed off, waiting for him to fill me in on the ‘why’. I had been racking my brain over this ever since I had received it.

“Oh right! She gave it to you then, good. I wasn’t sure she would,” he brightened up before he tried to shrug it off, “Yeah, it was crazy. I suddenly got a package from Russia, seems like the police has found the boy and got your purse bac-”

“But...she said you flew over and searched for it?” I wondered with furrowed eyebrows and he blanched.

“O-oh, she told you?” Antoine cleared his throat, sighing, “Yeah ok. I admit, I went there. I first wanted it for myself so I had something from you to hold on to...” I swallowed slightly at his confession, feeling a tiny spark of warmth spreading out of that emptiness in me, “But then I thought I would give it to you instead...since it actually belongs to you.”

I nodded, “I will keep it.” He beamed and I glanced down at the flowers in my hand, not being able to see him without feeling like my heart would jump out of my chest.

Hearing him gulp I got startled at how close he had gotten at this point. “Addy, I know...I know I screwed up real bad and there’s no way you can forgive me...but forgive me, please?” he ended sheepishly.

I huffed out a laugh at his blunt ways, causing him to beam in happiness. “Antoine, I...I think I’m actually in the process of forgiving you.”

“Really?” he breathed out in shock.

“Yes...I miss you a lot-”

“I miss you, too! God, Addy. You-You don’t know how much I miss you,” he said earnestly, his warm hand gripping on my arm softly.

“-But...,” his smile faded, “...even if I’m able to forgive you someday, I won’t be able to forget.” His hand fell off and he closed his eyes, furrowing his brows in agony. “It wouldn’t be a healthy relationship, Antoine.”

“Better toxic than nothing, eh?” he suggested, chuckling weakly.

I shook my head with a smile, “I’m grateful that you came, really.”

He nodded, running a hand through his hair. “I’m glad I came, too. At least I got to see you again for a few minutes.”

“Yeah, it’s been a while.”

“Three years and 16 days,” he said, “Not that I’m counting.”

I laughed slightly before shaking my head. “Sure. Do y-”

“Hey, so Mathis said you’re going to celebrate at some Italian restaurant,” Olivier cut me off as he jogged over, “We should get going.”

“Oh, you gonna join us?” I asked, smiling brightly and he nodded eagerly. “For sure. Come on, you guys. They’re waiting!” he said, already turning around and jogging back where he had come from.

“Ehm, I probably shouldn’t join,” Antoine said as I opened my mouth to speak, “I gotta go anyways.”

I tried not to show my disappointment. “Okay then. I should go over, the others are waiting.”

“Right! Right...” Antoine stepped forward and my heart pounded in my chest when he leaned in tentatively to kiss my cheek. “Congratulations,” he whispered, his breath brushing my skin and causing goosebumps to erupt. I tried to breathe as evenly as possible when I felt him push something into my hand. Glancing down I took hold of the brown envelope that he gave me, furrowing my eyebrows in confusion.

"What is this?" I wondered, looking up into the shining eyes of my ex-husband. He smiled slightly, "Just something I wanted you to have for a long time. I'll see you around."

"Ehm ok," I replied dumbly, wondering what he meant. I couldn't see him around, he was working in Spain. He waved goodbye as he turned his back around.

I couldn’t tell how long I watched him walk away even after he was out of sight, willing my body not to run after him and cling onto him like a koala. Pain seared through me at the thought of never seeing him again but I knew it was better this way. It was better this way, right?

Reaching into the envelope numbly, I was confused at the amount of papers in them, especially at the once that were ripped in half. Taking out one of the papers that was not ripped I read through the first paragraphs. It was a contract for a football team, Paris St. German, signed by Antoine. My jaw dropped, 'He left Atletico?'

Shaking my head in shock I proceeded to fish out the other papers, trying to discern what was written. It only took me two seconds to recognise the divorce papers, signed by Antoine and me. And ripped to pieces. "What...," I whispered. Did he never-

I peeked into the envelope again for some kind of answer when I noticed another small piece of paper, folded in half.

His old number was scribbled on it with a few simple words:

I won't give up on us, Patricia. Your Spongebob.

End. For real now.

Help me Get Coffee Support?

[zodiac-queens]

⇧ Descendant Astrology ⇩

Your descendant is the opposite of your ascendant. The descendant is the completion of the ascendant. It shows what you unconsciously crave for in a relationship, how you aspire to be and on which level you can personally develop the most. Basically, the descendant reflects characteristics that you not always possess but which another person is able to provide you with and thus to make you feel happy and complete.

♡ Your Ascendant (1st House)  ⇆  Your Descendant (7th House)

Aries ⇆ Libra

Taurus ⇆  Scorpio

Gemini  ⇆ Sagittarius

Cancer  ⇆ Capricorn

Leo ⇆  Aquarius

Virgo ⇆  Pisces

Descendant in…

♡  Libra: 

active person

wants a wholehearted relationship

must be able to adapt otherwise relationship won’t last

true, steady partnership may come late

wants fun partners, with no time pressure for developing intimacy

needs to develop diplomacy and readiness to compromise

wishes for independence and self-determination but also for someone to reflect, complete and soothe one’s doing

wants harmony but is also good by oneself

can’t always be understood by others

strongly torn between adapting to partner and doing own will

easily bored if nothing scandalous is happening

environment provides challenges and ideas

feels easily personally attacked or excluded and thus challenged; counters by speaking up offensively 

sometimes questioned by partner, this leads to closing oneself up and being misinterpreted

energetic and in love with life

♡  Scorpio:

passionate and able to enjoy things

doesn’t like people to criticize what is loved

kind and likes to indulge loved ones

jealousy alerttttt

partner is loved unconditionally, wholesome and never-ending but also in a possessive way

if deeply hurt, will never forgive

believes in destiny, a human’s dark side

prone to losing oneself in emotional pseudo-realities

needs courage and utter reassurance before entering a relationship

search for security and durability, trust and mental connection

the idea of losing something scares

love equals hate

hates being ruled, this would mean a violation of honour

needs to risk a certain amount of flexibility, otherwise no development

supremely versatile, but stuck in mind restriction

♡  Sagittarius:

needs and gives independence and space

mental input, initiative and easygoingness crucial otherwise stagnation

partner could be best friend

immune to potential lovers, very loyal

can’t cope with emotional overload in a relationship

great hopes and desires, needs galore and soulfulness

partner is considered the ultimate safe haven

if less appealing traits are discovered in partner, great disappointment

prone to only plan for the future and forget the now

wants to discover new ways in a relationship and to get the best out of each other

life is there to be improved, ready to learn and teach

never prejudiced

finds it unfair to leave partner behind

expects too much and is thus disillusioned frequently

high moral and sense of reality obstructs acting out one’s desired temper

♡  Capricorn:

has troubles expressing affection verbally

needs to be completely convinced of another person before getting involved

when committed to someone, it’ll be forever

sometimes duty overshadows emotional side

if hurt, needs time to be convinced of something new

needs maturity and down-to-earthness

finds reassurance in set routines

money planner; never wastes anything unconsidered

self-confidence comes naturally, doesn’t need anbody’s ‘approval’

realistic way of solving problems

people with highly emotional ways of expression are considered unpleasant and annoying

likes to have a partner with dignity and savvy

partner should reflect a kind of reassuring character, if one should ever lose control

matures over the time and becomes more open to the concept of emotional love

♡  Aquarius:

seeks idealistic opposite

needs challenge and strong characters around

self-realisation must not be obstructed

sensitive towards disappointments

tries to act like being protected by a shell when meeting new people (to not get hurt)

sometimes considered flirty, but actually just trying to make people laugh

cannot have boredom

instantly turned off by ‘main-streamers’, needs otherness

likes to give freedom but won’t tolerate being ignored or neglected

won’t get along with very stable and never-changing people

may be more experimental before settling for ‘the One’

may be afraid of ending up alone

evolution by lots of experiences is natural here

♡  Pisces:

needs true emotion and total devotion in partnerships

true coddler

finds it difficult to accept that ideals aren’t always realistic to achieve

weakness for messed up people who can’t really handle life

very much ranging between a very realistic outlook on life and the complete loss in dreams and desires

sometimes blinded by harsh waves of emotional flooding

may often feel indefinable and therefore alone or untrue 

sacrifice compensates unanswered feelings, but sacrificing oneself for someone doesn’t ensure gratitude by this person

needs to avoid becoming neither the victim nor the saviour

finding balance highest priority

partner doesn’t necessarily have to have the same twisted mind if he is thouroughly loving and good

best match: relationship with equally giving partner, doing it out of love and respect

♡  Aries:

partnership provides development of personality

can’t decide between wanting to lead the relationship or to adapt for peace’s sake

interests change quickly

partner should be an active person who prevents from boredom

needs lots of contact

needs challenging people but also harmony

little teasing games always welcome

suspense and calmness hold each other’s balance

intrigued by gallant and graceful people

harmony and challenge not always achievable, therefore feels restlessly dissatisfied from time to time (conflict danger!)

should gain insight out of complicated times

work is a welcome distraction

needs to accept own fluctuating personality

disappointments are not taken well

old plans are abandoned very quickly

♡  Taurus:

craves depth and won’t do anything half-heartedly

partnerships are desired to be for the long-term

counterpart is considered spinning point when it comes to passion, happiness and enjoyment

needs to be careful not to sink into jealousy

love aspects: happy and careless but also serious and deeply binding

wants the definite as well as the unknown

feels often disappointed by humanity

affectionate and providing for those considered worth it

doesn’t show it but wants sexual challenge

steady partnership gives feeling of security and confidence

needs time to adapt to different aspects of partnerships and what they bring along

in the end very self-sacrifizing

♡  Gemini:

open-minded and free when it comes to new relations

partnership needs to be free and mutual

excitement comes with interesting fodder for conversations

partner should provide mental input, needs to be approving of vividness and cockiness

nimble and therefore fond of being attention center (not to be confused with vanity), likes to leave a good impression

reassured by courteous behaviour

lots of idols and influenced by world changers

super drawn to funny and intelligent people, knowledge is the holy grail

profound feelings are considered private matter, doesn’t like the feeling of being sounded out

light communication is preferred over deep topics; this might depress and discomfort and bewilder

doesn’t like to be too mysterious, partner should be of clear shape à la what you see is what you get

loves movement, exchange, meeting friends, and expedition tours; needs someone who accompanies all this

♡  Cancer:

objective and level-headed in daily routines

when it comes to love searches tenderness, security and comfort

tends to self-restraint and self-adjusting for partner’s benefit

when sure of counterparts full commitment total abondonment of reluctance

deeply interested in partner’s well-being; emotional perception

needs to pay attention not to care too much about things that don’t even concern

feels quickly personally attacked, thus answers hastily harsh and repellent

doesn’t show but needs plenty of alone time (not to be misinterpreted as rejection!)

needs someone who understands and to whom one doesn’t have to explain oneself; otherwise lonesomeness bound to occur

wants to steer things into the right direction; not one for spontaneous undertakings

should learn that life cannot be planned entirely

if mature and accepting, partnership inevitably trusting, beautiful and for the long-term

♡  Leo:

wants to be proud of relationship

needs much freedom, but gives equally as much

ascendant may make seem cold but partner will get to the true core of warmth

strong and will seldomly will subordinate unless there’s a sensible reason

enjoys partnership as the thing worthiest to aspire

tends to ignore when it comes to beef (partner should handle this by doing the same; this leads to understanding no one can without the other)

loves people equally intelligent and strong

total turn-off: boring people who go mainstream

total turn-on: unusual hobbies and people who just do

probably considered by others as the flamboyant and peculiar couple

needs constant mental enrichment

will only risk things together with someone who provides courageous backup

times when everything is done together take turns with solitude (recharging)

♡  Virgo:

very creative but lacks self-discipline

excellent match would be someone who loves for the dreamy element but will provide a healthy amount of realism

romance please!

tends to be too sensitive and thus withdrawal; partner ideally gets these little quirks and knows how to counter

afraid to ‘impose’ emotions on anyone

expert in human nature; needs contact and (mental) exchange

is happy when there’s need to focus on a task, environment etc.

hates being dictated anything because too polite to decline

needs to learn to take matters into own hand

ideal partner shows how and when to stand up for oneself (in a subtle manner of course and with genuine intention)

antenna for fake people and their fake intentions and fake smiles

needs someone who’s strong for oneself and won’t hesitate to speak the truth, they would complement each other very well

must learn to be enough for oneself (!) because here we have a great human being if there ever was one

[trustonlylokiposts-blog]

Diagnosis: Chapter 2

Stark Tower and Nailing an Interview: chapter two.

 I said my goodbyes to Koda and summoned an Uber, they smelled better than Taxis and I wanted to impress my interviewer. My long brown hair was pulled back into a neat pony tail, I wore a black blouse and a black pencil skirt, a green silk shawl, a modest silver necklace. I opened my phone and checked my messages, a few friends from the clinic I used to work at had all spammed me with questions, apparently I should have elaborated on where I was going to interview, and who I was going to work for. And who I was going to be my patient, or patients. I was excited

Trust me, I’ve never felt this excited before. I mean, practicing medicine for the Avengers, that’s insane.

I also had a few concerned texts from my mom after I had told her what happened the night before. Coming from a small town in Utah meant that we never had to worry about cat calling, potential rapists. I reassured her I was fine, and that Koda does a fantastic job of keeping me safe. As we neared the tower the driver broke the silence, “Stark Industries? What kind of secretary are you going to be?” I snorted, “Actually I a medical doctor. I am applying to be the Avengers on staff physician.” After a moment of really awkward silence, “Oh, my apologies doctor..” We pulled into the entrance and I stepped out, waving goodbye and rating him at a salty 5 stars. I stepped inside and walked to the front desk and cleared my throat, a women with a tight platinum blonde bun looked up at me. She plastered a fake smile and asked how she could help me. I explained that I was here for an interview for The Avengers physician. I let her scan my ID and take my picture which she printed off and put inside a little clip labeled “visitor”

I made my way to an elevator and followed the directions on which floor to head to, as the elevator made it’s way up the tower I began to feel slightly nervous, this kind of job sounded amazing, what if a more competent physician applied? I knew I was brilliant and was known as a prodigy, (not to toot my own horn) But for an opportunity like this, there had to be all kinds of amazing doctors applying. The elevator opened and I stepped out, woah. I was greeted to something I would expect in a high end Penthouse. A large open room with tall windows that boasted an excellent New York view, near the windows were several luxurious couches and loves seats, to my left was a bar that had more high-end liquor than the entire state of Utah could ever allow in a single building. “Ah, look at that our young doctor appears!” I was fairly surprised to see that it was Tony Stark who greeted me, I stepped forward and shook his hand with a warm smile, “My name is Doctor Julie Stirling, it is my absolute pleasure to meet you, thank you for this incredible opportunity.” Stark grinned at me and lead me to the bar and pulled out a stool for me then sat down and gestured for me to follow suit, which I did while trying my best to keep my jaw from hitting the floor. “Can I offer you a drink? Water, tea, coffee, I wouldn’t recommend alcohol this early, but you do you.” I chuckled and declined his offer as I pulled out of resume, cover letter, and a list of my references and their recommendations and admirations. Tony skimmed through the information I handed him and let out a low whistle. “29 years old and already such an incredible physician, young, brilliant, capable, a genius among men! You remind me of myself” Stark added with a chuckle, “I did hear that you abruptly left  your previous job while cursing your employer out. Care to elaborate on that?” I bit my lip and felt embarrassment rise through me, “I.. It’s not like me sir, he is a very disrespectful man and I had enough. I knew my skills and knowledge were going to waste and I couldn’t stand being belittled anymore. Trust me when I say I am very professional and my bedside manner is excellent I-“ Tony cut me off with a wave of his hand, “Trust me I know about Doctor Wallis, that creepy old man has brought nothing but complaints from the people I’ve asked. Plus hey, I need something with the backbone to stand up for themselves. You’ll be working with some thick headed assholes, myself included. I need to know you wont be pushed around when it’s unnecessary.”

Tony looked through my resume once more and added “You are young, and you don’t have as much experience under your belt as the other applicants but.. That might actually prove useful. I need a fresh mind, something who is willing to take a step into medicine that may be more complicated than what other doctors have studied and worked with. And reading about your incredible track record of absolutely blowing away the universities you studied under I am certain that you learn quickly, and you’re fast on your feet too.” We talked for a little longer, Tony explaining how things generally worked around the tower, “Most of your responsibilities are focused on the Avengers, however if needed I will have you tend to Stark employees as well. However they all have their own doctor they see when necessary. I guess you’re just a backup when needed. But I don’t think it would come to that, plus you will have enough on your plate anyway. With keeping up with the team and building your understanding of erm.. Otherworldly beings,  Dr. Banner is also adapt in medicine and is incredible and will work along side you when it comes to finding things that can keep up with different physiologies and metabolisms.” Tony stood and motioned for me to follow, “I like you kid, come with me, I’m thinking I want to hire you. But I need you to meet someone first. He has been so gracious as to agree and let us heal him. He allows us the possibility to understand Asgardians and well.. He has no choice to be here and isn’t quite healthy enough to do much about it anyway.” I followed Stark through a set of doors and was led down a hallway and through another set of doors, I raised an eyebrow when I noticed what looked like two SHEILD agents guarding the entrance. Stark breezed past them and opened the doors and walked in, I followed closely but halted when I noticed a hospital bed, connected to a few IV’S and a heart monitor was the one and only Loki. He was propped up on the bed reading a book. He was pale, way paler than he was when he was last seen on TV. His hair was an absolute mess and while he seemed tired he also gave off the vibe that he was still not to be messed with. Stark cleared his throat and introduced me, “hey Prince of Jokes, we have someone who might possibly be tending to you. Say hello!” Loki looked at me and I felt myself tense, How in the actual hell am I suppose to take care of him?

“Hello, worry not mortal, I am under very direct orders not to cause chaos, else I am thrown back into my cells on Asgard which would not be pleasant due to my current condition. It appears that aiding Thor in stopping the Dark Elves from destroying everything and consequently being stabbed by a kursed blade only earns me a break from my imprisonment on Asgard, to one here. To be a test subject for idiot Midgardians to use their barbaric technology to learn how to heal their precious Avengers.”

Tony rolled his eyes and said “Don’t worry, Thor was able to get some direction to help heal him, under these special circumstances it would be difficult to keep him from dying without a little Asgardian aid, they have provided strong drugs to give his body the energy and… Cider?” “Seidr” Loki cut in, “Seidr, anyway, that is some of what we have running through his veins right now. His body heals at an incredible rate but what went through him on that strange elf planet puts up a lot of fight. Combining drugs that keep his energy from draining we can allow him to do most of the healing on his own. What you will be doing is keeping a stable eye on his vitals and pain. We do have very potent pain killers for when he needs them. Trust me you’ll know. You think he’s a prick now? Wait until his ouchie is hurting, he’ll bitch at you until you either decide to give him the precious drug or kill him.” Loki rolled his eyes, “I would hardly call it bitching, if you even could fathom the amount of pain I am forced to endure while under the mockery of mortals you would be irritable as well.”

I looked Loki over then looked back to Tony, “I think I can handle him, at least as long as he continues to be relatively harmless.” Loki sneered but said nothing, Tony clapped his hands together. “Yes! Okay, I am going to offer you this job. For the foreseeable future Loki is your main concern. Keeping his pain under control, his healing on track and making sure his bandages are changed and infection is avoided. He may be ‘godly’ but he still is vulnerable at the moment.” That earned an insulted scoff from Loki that Tony promptly ignored, “Thor was told that Loki’s estimated healing time should be a month if everything goes smoothly. After Loki is healed we will go from there. Oh, because you are our on sight physician I have provided a modest apartment here at the tower. Your home will be located on the same floor as the handful of Avengers who live here. Thor is off and on when it comes to being here on earth, but you’ll get to know Natasha Rominoff, Clint, Bruce, Steve, and of course myself.”  

Over the next couple hours I was given a thick stack of nondisclosure forms, another thick stack of pretty much everything that Tony and I had discussed before, a bunch of notes on dealing with Asgardians, more specifically wounded Loki, an in-depth description of my salary, paid time off, and work related perks. I was given a set of keys and taken down to what was called “Avenger’s floor” I walked to the end of the hall with one of Stark’s employees, she was a bubbly redhead who seemed super pumped to be here at all times. “Here is your home!” She opened the door and waited for me to enter before following me. “You have two bedrooms and two bathrooms, a full bathroom with the master bedroom, and a half bathroom in the hallway.” Alex, as she had liked to be called stood in the center of the large room. To my right the apartment dipped down slightly into what would easily be a modest living room, tall windows that made me feel a little light-headed reminded me of how high up I was. Although you really did get a killer view from up here, and there were massive grey curtains that I could pull over if I needed to. To my left was a large dining and kitchen area, it was also very open, it already had a dining table that could gracefully seat six people. Behind the table was a rather cozy kitchen, I didn’t need anything fancy, in fact this really was more than I was expecting. Alex let me take it all in before leading me down the hall, the first door on the right she opened and gestured for me to follow. “This is the guest bedroom but could easily be a study, or anything you want really.” The room wasn’t small, but not overly huge either. I didn’t expect to have many guests so a study would be really nice. Alex made her way out of the room and guided me to the next door, “and here we will have the master bedroom.” I stepped in behind her and looked around. This room had to be about half the size of my old apartment. It had a nice window that let in sunlight and fresh air without making me feel like I was going to fall to my death. I walked to the end of the room and opened a door to find a master closet, “Huh, don’t think I have enough clothes to come even close to fitting in here.” I laughed to myself but Alex tilted her head, “aren’t doctors supposed to be rich?” I really laughed this time, “yeah, but not starting out. I’m in debt up to my eyeballs. My last apartment was pretty much a cement box.” My preppy tour guide shrugged and opened the door to reveal my bathroom. A freaking Jacuzzi tub sat at the far end of the room under a beautifully arched window, gorgeous white curtains were tucked back. I took in the sight, a large walk in shower, a complicated looking toilet.. A Bedit?  And a marble sink blew me away.

Alex left me to explore the rest of the apartment on my own, there was really only the guest bathroom left anyway, and while it was a nice bathroom, it’s just a bathroom. Tony had given me a week to get myself moved and settled in, then it would be time to work. I was actually pretty proud of myself for convincing Tony to allow me to keep Koda, (it was less “convincing” and more me telling him that I am a package deal and Koda comes with me.) I had to show him every ribbon she’s earned, ever certificate and proof of vaccines. But he agreed and I was excited to bring Koda on this new adventure with me.

[skeletorific]

Ascendancy-SF!Sans

y’all I’ve just been having so many fuckin swapfell feels. Also I’ve been working on my swapfell lore so this got super long. I’m putting it partly under a cut because I assume you guys would like to see the rest of your dash at some point

(Also I know including music for fics is so  2014 but honestly Hey Look Ma I Made It by Panic! at the Disco, Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea by Fall Out Boy, and Glitter and Gold by Barns Courtesy were so important to this piece that I can’t not recommend them.)

Sans is 6 and Papyrus is 12. Two children, but Papyrus is tall for his age. He seems older to Sans. Like the other adults, he sits quietly and still. He talks seriously about serious things that Sans doesn’t understand.

Sans is not still. Sans is not solemn or quiet. Sans is loud. Sans is hyper and angry and self-willed. His first word is “no” and for a long time, it seems like his only. When he was younger it was simply the Terrible twos. Then simply an energetic child. Now he was simply a difficult one. Someone to be glared at and shushed and told to behave. But he couldn’t behave. It felt like all his energy was bursting out of him from every angle. Like his body couldn’t keep up with whatever force was driving it. Change, disorder, neglect, they all made him angry. He didn’t know how to take it quietly. If he didn’t strike out he thought he might die. If he didn’t strike out, no one would hear him.

But Papyrus did. Papyrus always seemed to hear what he was actually saying. When he was so angry he couldn’t speak, when his insides were so complicated that no matter how many people asked him about it he couldn’t begin to make them understand what kind of hurt he was carrying inside him. Papyrus read the language of sobs and tantrums and was usually able to back him away from the ledge. Before he got in too much trouble.

Gaster called Papyrus an old soul. He had the patience of one. While he had normal bouts of teenage moodiness, Sans only ever felt calm when he was with Papyrus. Only ever safe with him. He was also one of the only ones who ever understood when Sans was trying to apologize.

“why can’t I be good?” he asked him once.

“you are good. just harder for you to show it than everyone else” Papyrus said. “Your only problem is I’m the only one who sees how much harder you’re working for it.”

Sans is 8. Papyrus is 14. They’re on their own. And Sans feels another emotion joining the ever-constant anger. Fear. Anxiety. He sees it in Papyrus’ fidgets (now his older brother has trouble staying still too), in the caution with which he covers their footprints through the snow. He hears it in the presences that dog their footsteps and the low growls. So when Papyrus screams for him to run. Hise finds his feet are already moving impossibly fast. That energy comes in handy, he runs and runs until the terrain around him is utterly unfamiliar, and only realizes then that Papyrus is not behind him, and hasn’t been since he started running.

He can only wait in fear, hiding out in a bar where the owner of the establishment, a spider woman, begrudgingly allows him to stay, on the condition that he clean her tables and not bother her customers. And Papyrus does show up, worse for wear, with cracks in his scar and a tooth missing. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to talk about much, but Sans follows him like a shadow, barely letting him out of his sight for the next few weeks. But Papyrus is here, and he’s going to make it alright now. They’ll make it now.

The town is peaceful. Or at least, more peaceful than life on the outskirts. They stay with the spider woman and wait for their father to come, as he promised he would. But Sans is 12 and Papyrus is 18, and both are old enough to know what happens to lingerers. Sans is not ok, but nothing at all is. They are warm, for now, and safe for now. Muffet offers them protection in exchange for labor, and though she’s strict she’s not unreasonable. She pays them, though scantly. Papyrus replaces his tooth with some copper that tastes foul, but it makes him look tougher. Sans is afraid to go outside sight of the bar alone. The one time he tried (an attempt to go to the library), he was quickly spotted as an easy victim. The marks around his eyes would stay with him for the rest of his life, though he managed to get away.

Papyrus didn’t say much. These days he rarely did. But he came home that night covered in dust and San never saw the bullies again.

His brother is not okay either. He's been sneaking sips of the amber liquid Muffet serves to dead-eyed customers. Some night he has too much and goes glassy and vacant. A shell. It frightens Sans, and every time he apologizes but it happens again and again.

The powerlessness of his life frustrates Sans day to day. His energy is all in fear now, but he has nothing he can do. He will always be short, he is slowly discovering, and always have a face that is cute despite his scars. He is an easy target for cruelty and though his brother will always save him, there is another fear yet greater, that one day there will be a day when Papyrus is the one who needs protecting. And he won’t be able to do anything. The visions haunt him with every waking hour, and often in his dreams. Papyrus dead. Muffet Dead,. Himself tormented and beaten and dying.

Over and over again, with no way to escape. But he walks with the fear every day. wakes up each morning and leaves his bed and gets up and goes to deal with customers who at any moment could strike out against him (its happened before, despite Muffet’s rules). And though he doesn’t know it, it's making him stronger. Because he is no longer afraid of being afraid.

Sans is 14 and Papyrus is 20, and unbelievably, Gaster reappears. He never explains his long absence, at least not to Sans, but there he was again. And it was only then that Sans had realized that he missed him. The old man was gruff and uncompromising, could even turn cruel in odd moments. But he was more stable than most adults he knew, and there was even a part of him that loved his sons. He bought a house in the village big enough for the three of them. For the first time he could remember Sans had his own room, to do with what he pleased. He decorated it the way he used to daydream his bedroom would be as a child, and though Papyrus sometimes ribs him gently for the rocketship bed, he doesn’t bring it up often. At least one of them should get to reclaim a childhood.

Sans would never call it a happy home, but it was better than most, he knew. And one day Gaster looked up, watching Sans rushing around the house and cleaning at his usual top speed...and saw something in his son he never had before.

Potential.

It would seem odd to Sans in the future but he hadn’t wanted the training when it started. For better or for worse, growing up with Papyrus as a wall between him and danger had impressed on him the idea that he wasn’t up to the task. But Gaster refused his excuses and Papyrus’ attempts at intervention. It was hell at first but...suddenly the energy had an outlet. He began to learn to transform the fear into something else. He was...strong. Powerful, even. His control was deft and his stamina formidable. When Gaster began letting Papyrus train alongside him the two only became stronger. Soon Sans felt no danger in traveling freely. If someone tried to start something, he could shut it down in moments. It felt...liberating.

Papyrus seemed a little better too. Fewer nights where Sans would find him half in the bottle. He had picked up smoking from Gaster, though, much to Sans’ chagrin. He hated the smell of the smoke and how the ashes would get into everything. Though skeletons didn’t have lungs that could be damaged by it, it still wasn’t healthy for either of them. But things were better.

Until they weren’t.

Sans is 17. His brother is 23. They never had a father. He doesn’t think so at least. Sometimes Papyrus will mention one and then seem confused that Sans doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He can only assume that he was long gone before he was old enough to remember. But it doesn’t matter.

The wolves are closing in. As both of them have grown out of childhood there are fewer and fewer people to take pity on them. Muffet is still an ally, but she can only extend her protection so far. They’re both strong. But Sans can feel things slipping out of his grip again.

Papyrus seems worse than ever. He’s rarely around in the daytime, disappearing on what he calls odd jobs. He’s bringing money home, to be sure, but Sans doesn’t know from what. When he home in the morning he’s terse, always acting like he’s on the edge of telling Sans to run along. He’s nearly an adult but Papyrus seems to have missed that memo.  

Not that he doesn’t also saddle Sans with some undue responsibilities. It feels like every night Sans is being called in to drag him home from Muffet’s, he’s bothering the other customers with strange ramblings. When he’s not as Muffets, he’s at home, puking in the toilet and slurring incoherently about someone named “Gaster” or about how they’re all going to die. Bleak. Grim. Not what Sans wants to hear. And it aches like hell....that it feels like he’s not worth staying sober for. Like he’s the last connection keeping Papyrus tethered to reality, and even then it's not strong enough to keep him healthy.

He met Alphys at the dump. On one of Papyrus’ few good days (such as they were) they were scavenging around the Labs for parts to fix the TV. The dino had caught them unawares and demanded to know what they were doing. Papyrus’ smooth-talking had gotten them out of trouble but she’d insisted on escorting them home to ensure they didn’t try anything. Sans knew the Captain of the Royal Guard only by reputation, but this is the first time he’d seen her.

She wasn’t what he expected. He’d had run ins with members of the Guard before. Feckless thugs, for the most part, barely worthy of notice. Sans didn’t run risks against the law nearly as often as Papyrus did, but he had his own ways of avoiding them. But Alphys was bright. Quite bright, actually, once you managed to make out what she was saying. Her speech was slow but her reflexes were quick, and as he found out later, she was a cunning fighter, even when cornered. But most notably....she seemed just as scared as any of them. That scaly face didn’t betray much emotion, but she was jumpy, anxious even. He went on to spend more time with her: they had bonded a bit on the walk home and after he’d let it slip that he was no slouch in the combat department she’d insisted on seeing his abilities. And he only became more and more aware that the Captain was hanging on by a few threads. Her abilities were considerable, but rebellions stirred constantly and power shifted with the wind in Toriel’s court. She could lose her seat at any moment, to insurgents or to politics, or even to the whims of their Mad Queen.

It was the first time that power seemed mutable.

He spent more and more time with Alphys. She came to trust him, no small feat, and she began taking him on trips to the capital. And the impression only sank in deeper. No one’s position was assured. Everyone, even the higher-ups....was scared absolutely shitless. Toriel seemed the only one free of fear, and she spent her days wandering her palace, waiting for news of another fallen human.

Some might have taken it as a sign that things were worse than they had ever imagined.

Sans...found it oddly empowering.

He began digging discreetly into his brother’s activities, using Alphys’ contacts to do so. Turned out his brother was gaining quite a bit of notoriety as a criminal. Toriel extended him meager protections (for reasons that were never clear) but his actions were catching up to him. Theft, assault on important persons, hacking the mainframes of the Lab, terrorism....the rep sheet was a piece of paper as long as his arm. It didn’t seem to be an act of political dissidence, not properly. There was no consistency to his targets. After a little investigation of his own Sans came to the conclusion that Papyrus was simply taking jobs for whoever would hire him, for whatever task. Anything...to provide for him. The realization hit him like a freight train.

The dossier on his brother was immense. The only thing they lacked was conclusive proof: the courts of the Underground were brutal but it seemed unless they had an ironclad case against him Toriel wouldn’t let it go through. Sans even found his own file marked as evidence.

“Not A Known Threat” it said.

Interesting.

Sans is 20. His brother is spiralling. More days drunk than sober. Alphys doesn’t give him much information on the investigation regarding his brother but he’s certain they’re getting close. The stress is getting to Papyrus. Smoke surrounds him like a cloud and empty bottles litter his room. Finally Sans can’t take it anymore, opening the door to tell Papyrus off....and finds his brother in tears.

He can’t remember the last time he saw his brother cry.

It comes out, a confession that Sans doesn’t need but didn’t expect. Papyrus is fighting back puke and sobs, begging for forgiveness and apologizing over and over. In the lowest moment he asks Sans to turn him in. It’ll be better for him in the long run. He’s insistent that Sans call Alphys, promising he’ll be fine...but Sans knows his brother is afraid. So afraid he can’t keep his hands still. His mouth demands it but his eyes are pleading for an escape.

So many thoughts spiralling in Sans’ head....and suddenly they click into place. Like those jigsaw puzzles Papyrus does. Suddenly it all stopped being composite pieces and fixed together to form a greater whole. A vision, maybe, or at least a plan.

Sans doesn’t touch his phone. He forces his brother into a cold shower and cleans up the mess while Papyrus tries to sober up. And when he’s pulled himself together a bit, Sans offers him a deal.

The Guard is protection. Black marks on its members tend to get slowly scrubbed off the record. The Guard is salary: the wage isn’t lucrative but it’d be enough to keep them comfortable. And the Guard....well its opportunity.

They’ve been tractionless for far too long, in a world that kills its stragglers. Papyrus tried to get them some momentum, but through channels that were destined to be punished. Sans has an in. Rising through the ranks should prove feasible, and the higher they rise, the safer they are.

The deal is this: from now on, Sans is the head of their household. At least as far as outsiders were concerned. Papyrus would defer to his judgement anytime they were outside the house, no matter what Sans ordered. The narrative they would assume was that Sans, growing more powerful due to his proximity to Alphys, had finally brought his wayward brother into line. His criminal activity would be drawn to a halt. Even if they were brothers it would be considered an impressive move, and as long as he appeared to toe the line chances are the scrutiny would soon fade. In exchange Sans would take over the role of provider, and ensure that they were both fed and protected for the rest of their lives.

In another life Papyrus might have laughed in his face. But...looking back he’d had more than enough opportunity to fuck up his own life. His dreams and ambitions were long since dust. All that was left to dedicate himself to his brother’s, if it meant they’d be able to live without constantly looking over their shoulders.

They shook hands in their kitchen.

Sans is 22. Papyrus is 28. The older follows at the beck and call (or more often, beck and scream) of the other. They make their rounds on the village every day without fail, calibrating traps and sticking their noses into the business of everyone in Snowdin. Sans is a pint-sized tyrant, bitterly termed “the brat” by irritated locals while his brother is little more than his guard-dog. Even has the collar to prove it.

(It was Papyrus’ idea actually, something to confirm his “humiliation”. Sans was hesitant at first but in a way, it became a visual reminder for Papyrus to latch onto, a memento of the promise between them. No leash, though, despite the rumors).

The two have a fair amount of wealth set by, though the exact amount is not known. Its demonstrated by the new, gleaming gold of Papyrus’ missing tooth and the sleek armor clothing his brother.

And no one but Muffet seems to remember it was ever any different.

Papyrus has barely touched a drop in years, though he’s yet to drop the cigs. His sweet tooth is as voracious as ever, though, and so he still frequents the spider woman’s bar. The residents of Snowdin aren’t known for their kindness but he’ll occasionally get sympathetic looks from some of the sloppier drunks. “Yer bro’s a reaaaal piece a’ work, huh? Mus’....mus’ be hell to live with.”

Papyrus usually makes it clear that these are not welcome comments.

He’d be lying if he said it wasn’t hard sometimes. He misses his freedom to roam sometimes. And its inevitable that their performance begin to leak into their private interactions. His brother has discovered a taste for power, for control. Maybe it’s understandable, considering how little he’s had over his own life up until that point. The collar chafes some days more than others.

But ultimately he wouldn’t change a thing. For the first time some of the burden is off his shoulders. He’s free to protect Sans without worrying where their next meal is coming from. His brother has always had the drive and the energy to get himself wherever he needs to go. Now that he was steering the ship, he was showing a mastery over it that made his brother proud. Sometimes there was so much of the old man in him...

Sans, for his part....well, he’s tired. They’re playing a very long game, with the highest of stakes. He has to juggle his few valued relationships with a certain cold calculation. Reputation and friendship are currency in their world: who you know can be the difference between a knife in the back and some gold in your pocket. As he climbs the ranks the relationships only become more difficult to maintain. There are egos to soothe, lines to toe, deals to be made. It takes so much patience that he has little to spare when he’s with....well, underlings. He does his best to keep himself in check when he’s at home, but the residents of Snowdin are afforded no such protection. Even his brother can sometimes be an unwitting target of his wrath.

Still, let them whisper about the upstart skeleton, a nothing from nowhere. This nothing was used to being the problem child. He was ready to fight his way out of this hellhole, no matter what it took.

And what it took, it seemed, was a human soul. What faster ticket into Toriel’s good graces? The queen’s favor was uneasy and tenuous in the best of cases, but it was well worth the risk.

Sans is 24. Papyrus is 30. And there are rumors of a human in a green sweater, making their uneasy way through the Underground. The coward won’t even strike to kill.

Perfect...

[acrobaticcatfeline]

Rebuilding a Broken Mind, an Orphan Sanders fic

Word Count: 6484

TW: swearing, only a little bit, death mention, murder mention, doctors? patton is a veterinarian, idk if doctors is a trigger but you know better safe than sorry, i wrote thomas as bi and married to a chick but hes dead so like? also patton is pan and likes a chick. patton gets overwhelmed and cries a lot.

Notes: This is my orphan au and i cherish it they’re all such goods.

Pairings: uh none really, thomas and valerie, patton is crushing on my OC.

Summary: “Oh! Um, hi! My name is Patton Sanders, nice to meet you! Um, I’m 20, a veterinarian, and well, I’m an orphan.” Patton lost his parents when he was 15 and had to raise himself and his three younger brothers on his own. hes 20 now, and hes got a job and hes starting to get his life together. Of course with reminders of his parents constantly surrounding him, it makes it hard to really move on.

Oh! Um, hi! My name is Patton Sanders, nice to meet you! Um, I’m 20, a veterinarian, and well, I’m an orphan. I have three little brothers named Virgil, Logan, and Roman! They are so super awesome! Virgil is the sporty guy at his high school, he’s 17 and the captain of like, all of the schools’ sport teams! Logan is my little genius! He’s only 14, but he’s a whole two years ahead and in high school with Virge! Roman is my theatre kiddo, he’s in every arts program at his school and knows how to play just about every instrument at only 9!!! Now, as for me, I’m nothing special, I just try really really hard, so my brothers are safe. I triple timed high school and college so that by the time I turned 18 I had my degree in veterinary medicine. Logan claims I pulled an Aaron Burr by doing this, which I don’t fully understand, but I assume it’s a cool thing. I only did what I had to though, we were already orphaned by the time I started high school, which meant we had no money for college. My high school said that it would pay all my college expenses if I followed the guidelines set, and so I super dashed through school. I managed to ace just about all my classes with some help from my friends and siblings. But that isn’t what this is about. I’m not the focus in this story, I’m just the narrator and eyes. This is a story about 4 kids forced to grow up far too fast. This is a story of the children of the most amazing people. Because when it comes down to it, we’re broken minds, struggling to put ourselves back together.

               Now, to start, we have to explain what happened first. Our parents, Thomas and Val Sanders were out at a college play that a friend of theirs was a part of. Unfortunately, they never made it out alive. One of the people attending the play started a shoot-out with about 5 others helping him. Nearly the whole auditorium was killed. Including them.

We had no living next of kin, so a family friend took us in for a short while before dropping us all off at the orphanage. I will never forget that day. I remember them letting us grab our important things from our old house. I remember crying while holding all my siblings close. I remember having to be dragged out of my home. I remember the looks of pure pity from the orphanage staff. I remember them trying to separate me from my brothers. I remember almost punching them. I remember the name of the staff member who was the only one to understand and let us stay together, his name was Terrance. I remember hugging him before we were ushered off. I remember the confusion from Roman when we told him we weren’t going home. I remember Virgil carrying him around telling him that this was home now, with faux excitement and a plastic smile. I remember Roman thinking mom and dad were still coming back, and none of us having the heart to tell him otherwise. I remember Logan not speaking at all for the next month. But most of all, I remember the broken parts that got littered everywhere we went.

I was 15. Roman was only 4. We were broken beyond repair. At least, I thought we were. I thought for sure that we were going to go straight from the orphanage to the homeless shelter. But I did it. I managed to do something, and it changed our lives forever.

The day before I turned 18, I went through with my plan. I have friends named Joan and Talyn who already had a house due to Talyn’s parents having money to spare. They let us stay with them for as long as we needed. We brought all of our things over and we explained the rules of this new situation. My bros were quick to follow instruction. The next day we officially moved out of the horrible child prison we were owned by. I was already well into my job as a vet tech and was able to fully become a veterinarian the next month due to my boss seeing that I was at least twice as competent as the resident vets. And so, it began.

It was bittersweet when we got our own place, as Joan and Talyn had grown to adore my little brothers in the short year we lived there. But I had finally earned enough money to rent a house, plus the orphanage contacted me, telling me about a very large inheritance we apparently had, which was somehow enough to buy said house. We ended up moving in and used the money I earned for beds and a couch.

Over the next year we bought more furniture and accessories as we saw fit. At the present moment, my room is bright blue with animal posters and pop culture references sprawled about randomly. Logan and Roman’s room is split in half. One side is meticulous with dark blue and black walls and a few nerdy posters, mostly of doctor who and Sherlock Holmes. The other however, was messy as all get out, had musical posters everywhere and usually had the mess all the way up to the metaphorical line. Logan never complained unless Roman’s things crossed it. Now Virgil confused me. I was planning on him sharing a room with me, but he refused, claiming that I needed privacy and rest since I was working full time and he wasn’t. All he wanted was a couch, some bedding, music, and some makeup. Because I’m a stubborn mule, whenever he lets me buy him things, I buy him the most bestest makeup and all his favorite albums, as well as some of the best headphones sold. He gets mad at me, but he deserves the world and more.

Okay, now we’re in the present! So, I might as well start the actual story now. Ok well then. Its Friday morning, today the big game at the high school is happening, which means Virgil has to leave early for practice. By early, I mean about the time that I leave for work which is 6 am.

I get up and make food like I normally do, only doubled because Lo and Virge usually sleep for another half an hour. Ro always gets up with me because I’m his ride to school. Virgil has a motorcycle that he drives himself and Logan to school on. I start up some friendly conversation as we eat, Virgil still groggy from sleep.

“are you ready for the game today? Isn’t it against the school rivals? I hope you guys beat them again, but I’m sure you will with such a good captain!!!” I wink at him as he chuckles.

“yeah, we’ve got this, if anything, I’ve got this, and that’s really the point. Yeah, it’s our rivals, the panthers, today. Not that they’ve ever been a challenge. We’ve swept the floor with them for countless years. And thanks for the poorly concealed compliment. Do we have anymore coffee?” he rambles off answers to my questions.

“yeah, but I don’t get paid til tomorrow and there’s only a cup worth left. Proceed at your own risk.” As soon as I say it, Logan zooms to the coffee and brews it for himself, cackling maniacally (giggling cutely).

“HAHAH!!! You will never get a drop of the saccharine nectar!!! Tis mine, forever and always!” he brushes his hair back with his hand and smiles at us. Roman beams and stands up in a fighting stance.

“thou shalt not loot this poor pauper of his deserved libation!!! Come at me thy villainous fiend!” and quickly the two start playing mock sword fighting. Me and Virgil laugh as Logan gets vanquished and the cup of coffee gets given to V. Logan ends up stealing some still, to my amusement.

We end up splitting up as the kiddos go to school and I head to work. I walk in, put on my coat, and then the place blows up. There is a half dead dog on my table and another 2 that are at least stable waiting. I’m apparently the only actual vet that showed up today. Great. Today’s gonna be fun.

 I’m not gonna go into what happened at work, because honestly, not much happened. It was an average day at work, but now is time for the interesting part!!! So, the big game at the high school is happening today right? Well, let me talk about it!

So, I go and pick up Roman from school and head over to the high school while asking Ro about his day. He learned a healthy amount of animal and plant biology, so I talk about some of the things he didn’t understand and made a few biology puns which were received quite well luckily! When we get to the school, I call Logan to figure out where he had stationed himself. We meet up and find a nice spot on the bleachers. Not long after, the teams came out and started playing. Virgil is easy to spot, not to mention the announcers are constantly shouting about him as he keeps running the ball the furthest of either team. The game is pretty average for the most part, up until the very end. Virge takes the win but not a second after, he gets tackled full force to the ground. I stand up and look over the crowd as I see him up again, shoving the other guy away. The guy gets up close to his face and I think Virgil is going to punch him-oh god please don’t punch him. The guy gets dragged away by the referee and Virgil has a bunch of teammates coming to check on him and I feel much less on edge. I shouldn’t though. As soon as I think it’s done the announcers go quiet and the stands go crazy as Virgil uppercuts the guy and then knees him in the stomach.

“what just happened there?! Kyle, why did Sanders just risk his high school career like that?!”

“Fitton insulted sanders’ younger brother.” Oh. Oh no. Oh HELL NO! Logan stands up and looks in the direction of the guy and visibly shudders. Oh, he’s lucky that V got to him first. Oh, I might be going to jail guys! The rest of this story might be told from prison!

“Logan, do you know that guy?” I ask calmly. He looks at me before turning away.

“um, yeah. He uh, he’s an ex of mine…” I tense up. He’s never told me about him having been in a relationship! He tells me everything! Ugh, that’s not important right now…

“is he a freshman? I haven’t seen him on the team before.” Lo nods.

“yeah, we met at the local library. I didn’t tell you cuz I didn’t think you’d want me to date someone and um, never mind… Anyways, we broke up cuz he was trying to pressure me into doing um, bad things.” I twitch. Oh, I might kill him. I shake my head and take Roman’s hand and start walking down towards the team to pick up Virgil. We get down there and I check up on Virgil, checking for medical issues; he very well could have gotten another concussion. I get distracted when Virgil hisses at something behind me.

“oh, calm down parselhead. I wasn’t even coming over here for you” I hear in a low drawl behind me. “how’s it hanging bookie?”

“first off, I’ve told you what that actually means and that that nickname bothers me, please cease this instant, and second, I’m doing fine how are you Loki?” I hear Logan say calmly.  I tense slightly and turn around with an angry look on my face.

“Logan you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I know for certain I wouldn’t if I were you.” Logan looks at me but shakes his head.

“I can converse with an ex and still be civil about it Pat. It’s no problem.” he smiles softly at me, but I can’t help the anger that swells in my chest seeing the huge smirk that this guy is wearing.

“yeah Patton we can be civil here, no need for this hostility. Anyways, I’m doing fantastic Logan! Thank you for asking! I even have a new boyfriend, one who doesn’t try to keep me a secret.” His voice is contradictory to his words.

“it was two years ago, and I was twelve and still in an orphanage, I didn’t need my older brother worrying about me anymore than he already did. Plus, I barely understood my emotions, how do you think I would deal with my brothers’?” Logan crosses his arms and looks up at him accusingly.

“I dunno, I sorta thought you were enjoying the relationship, but you just ended it for no reason, citing your brother as too intimidating to cross, and neither of them look that scary to me.” He says and I look over to Logan in confusion. He walks closer to him and starts talking again, harsher than before.

“you and I both know that wasn’t what happened. You got pissed off that I didn’t want to go smoke and bang you arrogant prick. Also, I’d watch what you say about my brothers if I were you.” He just smirks while he backs away.

“okay then, I see I’m no longer wanted here. See you round bookie.” He walks away, and Logan shakes his head and face palms.

“every fricking time… I try to be civil but he always… ugh never mind it doesn’t matter. V are you okay? I don’t know what Loki said, but I can almost guarantee it was a lie. Also, he has a ridiculously hard skull, don’t ask how I know that, are you bleeding? Concussed?” Logan looks up at Virgil with a worried smile.

“yeah, I’m sure it was a lie, didn’t make it any less enraging. And no, I’m not bleeding or concussed. You dated him? How?! He’s such a prick!!!” Logan laughs.

“I don’t know, he was interesting. He told good stories and listened to me when I needed to vent. He’s also an incredibly good pillow. Really, he was just, the person I needed at the time, I guess.” He shrugs. Virgil is still watching him leave with an angry glare fixed on his face. I decide to change the topic.

“hey guys, you want pizza for dinner tonight? Food for champions!” the other three smile and cheer. V changes out and we head home, and I hand make three pizzas from scratch the way that we usually like it. Dad loved pizza and he said my pizza was the best, so I usually make it for celebrations or as a pick-me-up. It seems like its serving as both tonight. While its baking I make a couple of announcements.

“okay, so I’m going shopping tomorrow morning, but when I’m done with that, I thought we’d go visit Joan and Talyn? They have some presents for you all.” All three of them look up from what they were doing with wide eyes and smiles.

“YEEEEESSS!!! JOAN AND TALYN ARE SUPER AWESOMAZINGSAUCE YAAAAAAYYY!!!” Roman screams. I giggle as Roman jumps around and hugs me. Logan laughs along with me as he pulls Roman away.

“calm down Ro, Pat is cooking, you can’t be that close to the hot oven. I’m excited too, yes Ro.” Virgil looks at me questioningly.

“why do they always get us gifts? It seems like every time we see them, they have stacks of presents for us.” I shrug.

“well, I sort of introduced my lifelong friends to my 7, 12, and 15-year-old brothers who were sort of helpless at the time. They like me, but they adore you guys. Some kind of cool grandparent syndrome I guess.” Virgil laughs loudly at this as the pizzas beep. I pull them out to cool and tell some more puns to pass the time. The evening goes on without a hitch, we play a round of word association games as we eat our pizza. I pack up the leftovers in lunch bags for the 4 of us and then clean up the kitchen. As I finish with that, Roman shouts for me to tell him a story.

I tell a story of a brave prince who has to protect his kingdom from a fierce dragon witch. The dragon witch had stolen away the princes soon to be bride. The prince fought through many trials to save his fiancé, however he was beaten to it by another beautiful princess who had won the maidens heart instead. The prince was of course fair, as the princess had fairly bested him, and so he went on a mission to love himself before he went around looking for a fitting bride-or groom, again. Roman sleepily cheers and snuggles into a black cat plush V gave him.

The most difficult to get to sleep is Logan, who just wants to read all night. He changes to a different book just as I walk over to his desk. “Lo, you need to go to bed. You want to be well rested for tomorrow kiddo. You can read your book tomorrow, I promise the ending won’t change, and it won’t leave without you.” He yawns, he has had a long day.

“if I go to sleep will you sing for me? Please?” he looks at me with puppy dog eyes.

“of course, Lo. Bookmark your page and go get ready for bed and I’ll sing for you.” He smiles and rushes off to get ready. He’s back in a few minutes.

“can you sing dads old lullaby? If not its ok but-” I cut him off.

“of course, I can Lo.”

“somewhere there’s someone who wants you to be

How they want you to be, their opinion

They’ll paint you the colors that they wanna see

And to them, its Monet,

But to you, it’s a gray, silhouette

So, pick up a pencil, a stencil, a crayon,

The picture is not finished yet

You can let someone else tell you your story,

You can let someone else tell you what’s true

Or you can set yourself free,

Climb the tallest highest tree,

Or maybe sit back and take in the view,

You can let yourself, let yourself do

Anything.”

By the time I finish the chorus, Logan is sound asleep, snoring softly and cuddling an owl plush. I get up, tuck him in, turn off the lights, then head into the living room. Virgil is laying on the couch with his headphones on full blast. I grab his sleep meds and a cup of water and hand them over to him.

“hey, you shouldn’t listen to your music that loud, it could damage your hearing. You don’t have to listen to me, but I just wanted to let you know. I worry about you guys, you know?” he smiles and takes the meds. He turns down the volume on his headphones and nods.

“sorry Pat, I didn’t realize they were that loud. And, we worry about you too. You do way more for us than you have to. Anyways, thanks for the meds and sleep well okay? Don’t stay up all night again.” I giggle and nod before giving him a quick hug and going to my room.

I do a few pieces of paperwork that I wasn’t able to do before the end of my shift and send a quick text to my vet tech Elenora, checking in on her, as she’s been off on vacation and she’s supposed to be getting back tomorrow, and she has some things she needs to pick up at the office. She’s also absolutely amazing and sweet and beautiful and I love talking to her so so much. But that’s beside the point. After I get all of that done, I check the time, realizing that its now 11:45 and I should have been in bed an hour ago. I quickly fall asleep soon after luckily.

The next day is super-duper hectic so like, hold onto your horses, this is gonna be a wild ride! Okay okay, so I get up at 8 and go shopping, blah blah, tons of coffee because my boys and I have a problem. I unload everything by 10 which is when the kiddos are waking up. Virgil apologizes for not waking up to help but I wave him off as I start to make a small lunch because three meals a day, but Joan and Talyn are probably going to take us out for lunch knowing them, so I don’t want us to lose our appetite, that’d be rude! Anyways I set out the 4 plates and eat mine before going to take a quick shower. By the time I shower and change, all three of them are conversing around the table. I smile fondly because, hey, I helped raise these fantastic kiddos! LOOK AT MY BROTHERS!!! Okay, I’m good now. I walk up to the table and they all smile happily at me before going back to their debate.

“listen, if you have straight caffeine you die, therefore this stuff is totally deadly and like, we’re slowly killing ourselves by drinking it.” Virgil says, being devil’s advocate per usual.

“well yes but that’s like chlorine and sodium!!! They are both deadly elements on their own, but together give us salt! Not to mention that even too much water can kill a human! And! Another point, coffee is a natural occurrence just like water!!! In reasonable quantities, coffee is perfectly safe!!!” Logan rants passionately making me glad that I invested some money into speech and debate for him. Roman grins.

“but if water, coffee, and salt could kill us, does that mean that the world is trying to kill all life on it?!? are we living on a death rock?!? LOGAN IS THE WORLD GONNA KILL US?!?!” his grin slowly gets sadder and more scared as he continues. Logan flinches slightly.

“I mean, technically humans have been killing the earth for years so I wouldn’t put it out of the question that that is the reason that everything on earth is potentially deadly to humans. That would make sense… gosh darn it why do you always send me into steadily collapsing bouts of existentialism?” Logan shakes his head likely jumping into one of his existential crises.

“do I want to know the opening remarks?” I ask and they all shake their heads no. I grab a mug and make myself some creamer with a hint of coffee. Heheh!!! Caramel coffee is very good, but caramel mint coffee is even better! Roman runs off to get changed right as Logan goes to take a quick shower. V asks to change in my room which I am totally ok with because of course!!!

Oh! I should say what we’re wearing shouldn’t I? okay okay, so I wear my favorite pair of khakis, which are quite worn from wear. I wear a pun-ny shirt about dogs, and a tan cardigan with black white and purple plaid shirt underneath. I also have some nice black boots. When Roman comes out, he’s dressed in a red theatre shirt, white jeans, and a white fluffy coat, with his favorite white fluff boots. Logan comes out with his talk nerdy to me tee, black ripped skinny jeans, a black fluffy jacket, black boots, and a snap back. Virgil ends up wearing his nirvana shirt, black ripped skinny jeans, leather jacket, and black converse.

Logan sneaks up behind Roman and puts one of his Disney caps on him. Roman gasps because Lo never shares his hats. He tries to give it back but Lo tells him not to. “I got that one just for you Ro, keep it.” I think RoRo almost cries as he dashes into a cute embrace with Lo. Logan giggles as he sees his baby brother smile. It really is the best feeling ever when you can be the cause of a smile.

Soon after the scene of pure wholesomeness, we head on our way to Joan and Talyn’s house. We are greeted by happy faces and a stack of gifts. This is normal I guess, like V mentioned, they always have piles of gifts for us.

“hiya!!! Glad you could make it! We decided to make a big meal instead of going out, I hope you guys don’t mind?” Talyn grins sheepishly. “and we also invited a couple more people. Sorry we didn’t tell you it was a surprise!”

“a surprise? Who’s here?” I ask, looking around them both to see. There are more gifts than usual. And they’re gift wrapped. Oh gosh what did I forget? Wait… what month is it? oops. I might’ve said that out loud.

“its January Pat.” Joan states simply with a growing grin. Oh god, it’s my birthday soon isn’t it.

“happy early birthday Patton-cake!” Talyn yells happily. Yup. Oh, I’m an idiot. I facepalm.

“I’m glad Joan called me on Monday, otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten your presents from us and brought them over!” V smirks as we walk in. of course they were all plotting against me, I should have known! As I walk in, I see Leo, Jamahl, Dominic, Dahlia, Kenny, Derionna, Rafaela, calypso, and oh god, how did they get Elenora?!? I don’t think I’ve ever even talked about her to them!!! Not to mention that she must be horribly jetlagged!

“oh my god no way!!! I love you guys so much aaaa!!! How do you even know Elie?!?” I say as I go around giving hugs to my friends from back in high school that I’ve missed so much.

“dude, Els is in a bunch of my classes. She never shuts up about work, so it was easy to find out that you guys knew each other. Not to mention her constant fawning over ‘doctor sanders’” Elie punches Joan in the arm.

“listen here bean boozled, are you gonna keep outing me or are we gonna start this party? I estimate the time between now and when I fall unconscious from exhaustion and jetlag is t minus 4 hours.” She states matter of factly. God, I love her, I’m so far gone.

Joan and Talyn attack me with a hat while I’m fantasizing, and they laugh mischievously as they drag me over to the table.  Joan’s saying something in one ear and Talyn’s saying something else in my other and I’m confused as heck, but all my friends surround me as well as my baby brothers and start singing at me. I don’t even comprehend what they’re saying because my brain can’t remember the last time I had a surprise party, and its actively making me remember my 14th when my dad and mom threw me a giant birthday bash and it was all day long and we fell asleep in a pile on the couch and before I can stop it all the voices start freaking out and I touch my face and I finally notice that I’m crying, and gosh I just ruined it of course gosh darn it they all went out of their way to make this and now I’m just sad and crying. I feel a thud and finally pay enough attention to see Roman hugging me tightly and apologizing. I pat his head and smile at him before kneeling down and reassuring him.

“Ro Hun, it’s not your fault I’m crying, I just remember mom and dad that’s all. I was caught up in my head but I’m fine. I promise ro. Do you wanna help me blow out the candles?” Roman smiles widely and nods. I pick him up and we blow out the candles together. The others all smile and cheer. Joan stands next to me with a smirk. Oh gosh they’re going to have me do something dangerous and I’m gonna agree because its going to be fun and d a n g e r o u s.

“you realize we are stealing you tomorrow to go barhopping right? Els even offered to dd for us! I mean of course, she’s sorta still underage for a few more months, but yeah, you, me, Talyn, and els are going to have birthday bash part two and its going to sick as Fu-” I cover their mouth before they can finish their swear.

“my baby brothers are here!!! No swearing!!! It’ll hurt their poor innocent ears!!!” I see Virgil and Logan give me a skeptical look before I gesture at Roman and I see their eyes widen in realization, before they nod furiously in agreement. Roman obliviously drags Logan off to play with the bubbles that Joan had gotten to keep the little ones occupied. I uncover their mouth and shoot them a look before giving it up for a smile as I hug them.

“thank you for this Joan, it’s kind of you. You didn’t have to really, haven’t even seen you guys in a few months!”

“that’s exactly why we did it. We don’t need a reason to give the littles gifts, and if we have a reason to give you gifts you won’t turn them down. You never have been one for spontaneous presents, but you know what, I love ya man, and you deserve to get shit on your birthday you oaf. I always felt bad that you wouldn’t let me help you and the kids when we were still in high school. God its been so long now, we’re old pat! You know my mom always tells me that they’d be so proud of you whenever I tell her what you’ve been doing. She actually wanted me to give you something, its wrapped in the pile of gifts.” They winked and nodded over to the living room where far too many gifts in my opinion, were sitting. The rest of my friends were there too, keeping themselves entertained one way or another, and I saw that Logan and Roman were running around outside chasing bubbles.

I go over to the stack and feel immediately intimidated. I hear the door open and Roman and Logan come inside. They sit behind me and I grab the first present that I can reach. The wrapping is purple plaid and Virgil’s name is scrawled on the tag. I open it up and look at my brother with a mocking look as I pull out a pale blue lab coat with dog face emojis.

“oh my gosh you dork I love it!!!” I pull it on quickly, seeing how it fits and beam at him.

“I’m glad. You’ve got another one somewhere from me” ugh of course that’s how there’s so many gifts.

I grab the next one with the same wrapping and rip it open only to see a new surgical kit, which I had been desperately needing to get but had been avoiding. They’re ridiculously expensive and I haven’t had the money to spare. I don’t know how vee could have managed to get that much money, and I don’t understand why he would spend it on me. I feel tears welling up in my eyes for the second time today, and launch myself at Virgil, picking him up and twirling him around. I see Elenora look at the tools out of the corner of my eyes.

“holy crap how did you afford these? This set is worth almost a thousand!” Virgil gives a feeble look as I set him down.

“I’ve been saving up for a few months, no big, you had mentioned you needed a new set a while ago, and I know you wouldn’t let anyone give you one. You can’t give this one back otherwise it’d be wasted so ha I win.” He ends with a smirk, and I punch him in the arm for calling me out on my OCD about work.

I grab my next gift which is a deep red with a matching bow. I peel off the paper and see a Pooh bear onesie and I smile down at it before laying back to smile at Roman who is giggling loudly.

“Lo helped me find it!!! I know you love Pooh, so I thought you’d like it!!!”

“he had tried to get you a size that fit him at first it was really quite adorable. We got him a Tigger one to match but we told him he had to keep it hidden until you got yours.”

I reached out for a hug and instead Roman kissed my nose then pushed me back into a sitting position. I huffed dramatically before grabbing my next gift, from Logan. I rip open the striped paper and see a book called animal madness, about animal mental health, and I feel my smile widen. There’s another book, by Jackson galaxy called total cat mojo and I might have squealed a little bit?

“LOGAN, I LOVE THIS THANK YOU SO MUCH OH MY GOSH OH GEEZ THESE WILL BE SOOOOO HELPFUL!!!!!!” Logan smiles and chuckles softly.

“I had imagined so, you have said that a couple of your patients have had mental issues more than physical and you’ve seen them more often due to their owners not knowing how to treat them, I hope the books hold deeper insight than google.”

I give him a big hug, and then grab the next presents, opening one after another all very sweet but also rather irrelevant gifts including coffee, cooking ware, and fandom stuff. I eventually get to Elenora’s gift though, which I was slightly scared about opening if I’m being honest? It could be anything, what would she get me? I open the rose gold box that holds a few different items. The first I notice is a necklace with a four pawprints on them, each a different color, red, navy, cyan, and purple, and each with me and my brothers’ names. I smile softly at it as I put it on. The next thing in the box is a new stethoscope that matched my light blue theme at work. After that is a build a bear Alolan Vulpix plush with an absolutely adorable cloak and a spare outfit. I squeeze it and it sounds so cute??? I’m so glad I share my obsession with Pokémon with her it makes work that much more enjoyable. The next thing I pull out is a dual sapphire and ruby pop head set and I let out a laugh at it, she knows me so well, I had mentioned I loved their characters and that they reminded me of my mom and dad once offhandedly, and yet she’s gotten me ruby and sapphire things three times now. I pull out a gift card to pizza shop I adore, and the last item in the box is a card that says read later, so I throw a glance her way as I put the card in the pile.

I thank her, and give her a hug, before turning my attention to the last present remaining, the present from Joan’s mom, who was basically my second mom growing up. I pull apart the wrapping hesitantly, and I almost let out a choked sob at what is in the package. It’s a letter from my parents. I cover my mouth as I grab the letter and read it.

“dear Patton, we hope this letter reaches you in good health, and that we are still in contact when you reach 21.” I make some odd strangled noise and my eyes start filling with tears. “no matter how our relationship is, we have a present for you. Patton cake, we know you’re only a year old now, but when you get this, we want you to know that no matter what we love you so so much and we want you to be happy no matter what. So, if you’ll forgive us if we’ve hurt you, we want you to have this glass and drink. Your mom made that glass right after you were born. She believes that the essential gift for a 21-year-old was a wine glass and a nice red wine. This wine is the same one I had on my 21st with my father and I saw it fitting to share it with you. I love you so so much son, and I hope you know that you’re in my heart wherever I am. The same goes for your mother. You know me and how paranoid I am, so this will probably be given to you by my best friend who I don’t doubt will grow close to you. In case anything happens, not that it will.” I don’t think I can breathe anymore oh my god this is from my dad- “but anyways ill stop rambling” no dad please keep talking don’t go please! “happy birthday Patton, you make me and your mom so proud. I love you so much” I wheeze and double over, I can’t breathe my dad, it was almost like he was there again, my dad was there and I-

I open the wrap on the glass, the crystal glass has an imprint that has the words “you’re capable of anything” and me and my parents’ names inscribed in it. Etched in, not just printed, its won’t fade, it will always be there. I look up at the roof to stop my tears, and to hopefully tell my mom and dad I love them if there is an afterlife. I wish I could see them one more time and be able to say goodbye. I can’t, but god it hurts so bad, I miss them so much its not fair they should have been able to come home they should be here they should have been here to see Roman and Logan and Virgil grow up it’s not FAIR GOD DAMN IT!!! I need to calm down, its in the past its over I can’t change it I can just keep going. I take a few deep breaths and wipe my eyes. I set down the glass and look at Joan.

“Joan, I need you to thank your mom for me, I-I owe her so much for this I can’t even properly explain just how much this means to me. If she ever needs anything let me know, I will do anything to help.” Joan nods and smiles at me softly.

I breathe a few more deep breaths before standing up.

“now, that’s enough of that. There’s cake and games!!!”

[lifenutraketodiet-blog]

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[cordoniasmost]

The Best Accident - Ch. 4

Chapter 3

NOTE: This is my first ever fic!  I was terrified to write it but just sat down and let the words flow. This story is in preparation for TRH.  I’m super excited for its release and couldn’t help imagining where it might go.  This is my take on what happens between Maxwell and MC.  Reblog if you like it! :)

NSFW

Summary: When things seem happiest, a surprise throws everything for a loop.

Chapter 4 - One Month Later

Riley:

As Riley woke up from another of her recent frequent naps in her gorgeous suite in Valtoria, she stretched and slowly opened her eyes.  It was early afternoon and she wondered where Maxwell was.

Her first thought when she awoke was always Maxwell, but it was usually because he was her human alarm clock, waking her up with soft whispered words of affection and sweet kisses.  She smiled at the thought of the man her heart belonged to.

She sat up slowly, still feeling like she hadn't slept at all.  Why was she so exhausted suddenly?  She got out of bed and headed for their closet.  She found a gorgeous blue sun dress and ran to brush her teeth.  Soon, she was making her way down into their estate searching for her husband.  She found him in the kitchen eating lunch.

"There you are.  I missed my alarm clock," she said with a pout.

He stood up and wrapped his arms around her in a tight hug and kissed the top of her head.  "I wanted to let you sleep.  You've been so tired, you must have needed it.  Besides, the only thing we have on the schedule today is a parade for the new library opening.  You know, kissing babies and shaking hands.  No big deal." He smiled.

As the Duke and Duchess of Valtoria, their job was to be sure that their citizens were healthy, happy and well taken care of. They also needed to make sure that people felt like the nobles were accessible to some degree, that they were living alongside the citizens of Valtoria and had their best interests at heart. Ultimately, they were representing Liam and the Crown and they took their jobs very seriously.

"We have to leave soon for the parade.  Are you ready to go?" Maxwell asked her.

"Let me run upstairs and change.  I can't wear this to an official event," Riley replied.

She ran upstairs and into their closet, rifling through her extensive collection of clothing.  She had become known as Cordonia's most well-dressed Duchess, a title she was fond of considering where she had come from.

She pulled out a beautiful emerald green shift dress and nude heels.  She had been preferring her looser fitting dresses for a while now, figuring she'd put on a little bit of honeymoon weight.  She quickly changed and ran a brush through her hair.  

As Riley made her way down to the bottom of the stairs, Maxwell reached out his hand and asked, "Ready to go?"

"Yep, let's do this," she said, smiling at her husband.

He always took her breath away with his gorgeous blue eyes, the way his hair always looked a little bit messy, and how he always left the top button of his shirt undone.  She could feel her heart beating faster just looking at him.  

"Now isn't the time, Riley.  Get it together," she thought to herself.

She took a deep breath, trying to calm her racing heart at the thought of all the things she wanted her husband to do to her in that instant.  Shaking her head slightly, she took his hand and they walked to the limo.

The ride to the library opening would take about half an hour.  As she climbed into the limo, Maxwell followed her in and sat beside her, his thigh touching hers.  He leaned over and softly kissed her lips.

She took another deep breath.

The door to the limo wasn't even shut yet and she was ready to jump on her husband, and she didn't really care who saw.  She squeezed her legs together, trying to give herself some relief at the growing desire that seemed to be exploding inside her right now.

Maxwell glanced over at her.  "Are you feeling okay?" he asked, his eyebrows furrowed with concern.

"Maxwell, I know it's not great timing, but I can't stop thinking about something," she whispered, looking over at him hungrily.

"Uh, okay.  I get an idea what's on your mind but you're right, it's not great timing. Can you hang on a sec until the door's at least closed?" he asked her, amused.

She sat back and closed her eyes, taking a shaky breath.

He was looking at her closely now.  The door was closed and Maxwell looked over to be sure the partition between them and the driver was closed so they had privacy. Then he took his hand and ever so slowly moved his fingers up her inner thigh.

She moaned, "Oh, that feels amazing."

He chuckled softly.  "You couldn't even resist my charms for this short drive?  I knew I was sexy but even I'm surprised," he teased.

She grabbed the hand that was moving up and down her thigh, and pushed it higher.

Maxwell was surprised by how turned on she was so quickly, but he was always glad to take care of his wife in whatever way she needed.

He slowly moved his hand up her thigh until he reached between her thighs.  She jerked against him.  He could feel she was already soaked.

"Holy shit, Riley," was all he could say. She was reaching for his length, eager to feel his excitement growing.  She got out of her seat and knelt down in front of him.

"Are you sure you want to do this right now?" Maxwell asked, looking around nervously.

"Hell yes, I'm sure.  Since when are you not up for an adventure?" she asked him, tearing at his pants.

She managed to get his pants undone and slid down, reaching in and freeing his manhood.  She bent down and took him between her lips, sucking hard until she felt him hit the back of her throat.  He groaned loudly.

"Oh, that feels amazing."

She grabbed his shaft, working her mouth slowly up and down, and swirling her tongue at the head of his cock.  He tasted amazing, and she felt like a person starved.  She increased her pace, licking, sucking, and squeezing up and down until she could tell he was close.

His hand was on the back of her head, guiding her up and down, and his movements were becoming jerky and erratic.  Right before he was about to explode in her mouth, she pulled her mouth off with a loud "pop" sound and sat back, smiling.

"Why'd you stop?" he whimpered.

"I want to feel you before you cum, and we're running out of time," she growled at him.

She jumped up and straddled him in the seat, knees on either side of his hips.  She grabbed his manhood and slid herself forward, moving her panties to the side. She lined him up with her entrance, and pushed herself forward until he was filling her up.

"Ohhhhhhh..." she cried.

She threw her head back and closed her eyes as the exquisite feeling of her husband inside her body was almost too much to take at that moment.  She felt like a firework about the explode.

She began bouncing up and down on him, rolling her hips back and forth.  He reached his hands around to grab her ass and pull her closer.  She was close and increased her pace.  He held her tightly as she exploded around him, screaming out his name.

As soon as she began to come down from her ecstasy, she climbed off of him and dropped to her knees again.  He hadn't found his release, and she intended to make sure he stepped out of that limo satisfied.

She again took his erection into her mouth and began sucking and licking at an increased paced.  He pushed his hips up toward her, meeting her stroke for stroke.

"Shit..." he growled.

She could tell he was close, so she increased her speed, gently stroking his balls with one hand.  She felt him tense up under her and then felt his hot release in her throat.  She swallowed all he gave her, and sat back once she was sure he was finished.

"My god, Riley.  That was..." he trailed off.

"Yeah, amazing, right?" she smiled.

"You basically attacked me" he laughed at her.

"Are you mad about it?" she asked.

"Never."

...

Maxwell:

The parade had been uneventful.  They had taken lots of pictures, met with the Library Board, and cut the ribbon on the new library.  Riley had even made a speech about how the new library would be a place to make the residents and many visitors to Valtoria feel like they were home, even if they're just passing through.

All in all it had been a successful day. They were in the limo, having just left for home, and Riley was already snoring softly on his shoulder.  He kissed her head and wrapped his arm around her. She had been so exhausted this morning and taken that nap, and then here she was asleep again.

This was definitely not like her.  He was starting to get concerned about her.  Not only was she exhausted all the time, but she practically jumped on him earlier in the limo, not that he was complaining. She just wasn't quite acting like herself.  He'd talk to her about having a check up once they were home and she was awake.  

He just wanted to be sure everything was okay.

When they pulled up to their estate, the limo door was opened by the staff and he tried to shake Riley awake.  She fluttered her eyes open for a second and he kissed her forehead gently.

"I just need you to get out of the car and I'll carry you up to bed," he told her.

"Mmhmm..." she mumbled.

He took her hand and helped her out of the car. Then he reached down and scooped her up, her arm around his neck and his arm under her knees.  He carried her upstairs to their suite and laid her gently in bed.  He kissed her lips and covered her with the blanket, vowing to talk to her as soon as she woke up.

...

 Riley:

She opened her eyes slowly, watching the late afternoon sun dance on the walls of her room.  She was back home but couldn't remember how she got there.  She couldn't believe she had passed out so hard.

She stretched and sat up.  She was starving.  She reached for her phone and texted Maxwell:

[Riley: Hey, where are you?  I'm starving.  Dinner?]

[Maxwell: I'm in the stables, I'll bring you up something in just a bit.]

[Riley: Okay, hurry pls. I'm so hungry I could die.]

[Maxwell: Don't die! Will be there in a sec.]

She laid back and smiled.  She couldn't wait to see him and she couldn't wait to eat. She sat up and hopped out of bed, changing into something more comfortable.  She walked out to their balcony, their favorite spot in the house. It had a gorgeous view and was so peaceful.  They had installed the most comfortable outdoor furniture they could find and often ate dinner sitting outside their suite.

She plopped down on one of the couches and grabbed the most recent copy of Trend to flip through until Maxwell arrived with food.

Before long, she heard the door open and close. Maxwell walked out with a tray in his hands.  Her heart sped up at the sight of him.  He smiled at her and set the tray down in front of her.

"I'm glad you made it, I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't gotten here in time and you died," he said with mock relief on his face.

She picked up a roll from the tray and tossed a piece of the bread at him.  "Ha, ha. Honestly, I don't know what I'm happier to see -  you or this food," she said.

"Well, we both are known for our life-sustaining properties so I can see why you'd be struggling," he teased.

They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes while they ate.  Then he cleared his throat.  "Hey, so..." Maxwell began.

"Just spit it out, Maxwell," she said, still chewing a bite of food.

"Okay, well you seem like you've been a lot more tired than normal and I'm a little bit worried.  I called the doctor and she's coming by tomorrow just to give you a check up.  Is that okay?" he asked.  The concern in his eyes made her heart leap.  She could tell he was really worried, even if she felt like it was just the stress of jumping into full time Duchess work.

"Of course it's okay, Maxwell.  I love that you're concerned about me.  What time is she coming?" Riley asked.

He breathed out a sigh of relief that she wasn't upset, and said, "Late morning, around 11.  I checked your schedule first."

"Great, then you'll see there's nothing to worry about," she said.

He smiled and leaned over to kiss her, the smile not quite reaching his eyes.

...

Riley:

The next morning blurred by, and by 11 she had forgotten all about the doctor coming to see her.  She yawned loudly, wondering if she could sneak away for the next hour for a nap.

There was a knock on the study door. "Come in!" she called 

A tall woman with chocolate brown hair, tanned skin, and bright green eyes poked her head in the door and smiled at her. "Duchess Riley?  I'm Dr. Hart.  I'm here to give you your checkup."

"Oh, right!  Please come in, Dr. Hart.  Let's sit on the sofa," Riley said.

Dr. Hart crossed the room and sat on one side of the sofa in the study.  Riley came and sat on the other side, wanting to keep the visit comfortable.  

"I'm sure you're busy, Your Grace, so I'll try to keep this as simple and brief as I possibly can.  Your husband told my office that he's concerned because you've been feeling more tired than usual?" Dr. Hart asked.

"Yes, that sounds about right.  Honestly, we've just been trying to get into the swing of our duties as Duke and Duchess and I've been feeling like it's just part of the adjustment period," Riley replied.

"Mmhmm, very possibly.  I'm going to just go over some simple health history questions here so I can have a baseline to work with moving forward.  Does that sound okay?" she asked.

Riley nodded.  "Yes, that sounds like a great place to start."

Dr. Hart removed some papers from the bag she carried in with her, and took a pen out of her lab coat pocket.  "Okay, then.  Do you have any history of asthma, migraines, or cancer?" she asked.

"No, I really don't have a history of anything other than a few seasonal allergies as a kid.  I outgrew them, though.  I've been really lucky with my health so far," Riley said with a shrug.

"Okay, then I'll just make a note of that.  How about your cycles?  Have they been regular?" Dr. Hart asked.

Riley froze.  She hadn't really thought about it now that Dr. Hart mentioned it.  When had she had her last period?

"Um..." Riley trailed off.

"What is it?" Dr. Hart asked, concern on her face.

"It's just I don't remember when my last period was," Riley replied, suddenly nervous.

"Okay, well, let's just grab a quick urine sample to rule out pregnancy and then we can go from there.  It only takes a few minutes," Dr. Hart explained.

Riley nodded, numbly.  It couldn't be that... could it?

She got up, taking the cup the doctor had handed her.  She excused herself into the restroom connected to the study, her mind racing. She felt so many emotions, but the two most dominant in her mind were excitement and fear.

She walked out of the bathroom and handed the sample back to the doctor.  Dr. Hart said, "Okay, just give me a minute and we'll know."

Riley exhaled deeply, not realizing she had been holding her breath.  Dr. Hart walked over to the restroom to run the test, leaving Riley to herself for a few minutes.

Riley was trying to focus on the pattern in the wood on the table in front of her to keep from hyperventilating.  It couldn't be, they'd always been so careful.  She knew Maxwell was always prepared and always careful.  He wouldn't take a chance.  He wasn't ready.

Dr. Hart returned a minute or two later, her face betraying nothing.  She sat down on the sofa and turned to Riley.  "Okay, I've got the results.  I'm not sure how you're going to feel about this, but it's positive. You're definitely pregnant."

Riley felt like the world was spinning.  What had the doctor just said?  She couldn't have heard that right.

"I'm sorry, what?" she stammered.

"You're pregnant.  Based on you're reaction I'd guess it wasn't planned.  Are you alright?" she asked, concern in her voice.

Riley nodded her head.  "No, it definitely wasn't planned.  I've always wanted a big family.  I'm definitely excited, but I'm also shocked and I'm pretty scared, too. Maxwell wasn't ready.  He didn't know if he ever wanted children." She was babbling.  She couldn't stop the words from flowing out of her mouth at this woman who, until about 10 minutes ago, had been a complete stranger.

What was she going to say to Maxwell?  Her mind was reeling.

"Well, at least now we know what was causing your exhaustion.  That's an extremely common symptom for pregnancy.  Do you have any idea when your last period was?" Dr. Hart asked.

"No, I'm sorry.  I feel stupid now for not paying more attention," Riley replied, feeling embarrassed.

"You've had a lot going on, what with the assassination attempt and kidnapping, your wedding, and then your honeymoon.  I'd say it's pretty understandable," she said kindly.

Dr. Hart looked at Riley with kind and understanding eyes.  "How about you come to my office next week and we'll do an ultrasound? Then we can see how far along you are and give you a due date."

"Yeah, that sounds great.  Just send me your available times and I'll schedule an appointment," Riley said, still stunned that this was happening.

"Great.  Well, we'll do a more thorough examination when you come to the office.  There are some standard exams we do for early pregnancy, blood draws and vitals checks.  We can do those next week when you come in.  For now, just be sure you take these vitamins every day," Dr. Hart explained, reaching into her bag and handing Riley a bottle of pills.

"I will.  Thank you so much for coming and for listening.  This conversation is just between us, right?" she asked uncertainly.

"Yes, anything you say to me as your physician I will keep in absolute confidence.  You have nothing to worry about.  I'm hopeful this can be the start to a long patient-doctor relationship caring for your family, Your Grace," Dr. Hart said.

"Me, too, Dr. Hart.  Thank you for everything," Riley said with a nod, reaching out her hand to shake the doctor's hand.

Dr. Hart returned her firm handshake with a smile. "I hope it's not too forward of me, Your Grace, but I think everything is going to be just fine. Wait and see."

Riley asked Gladys, her majordomo, to call Dr. Hart's office and set the appointment.  She knew after what happened with the kidnapping that she could trust Gladys to not say a word to anyone.

She sat down on the sofa, heart and thoughts racing.

What would Maxwell say?  She had just told him she was okay not having kids and here she was feeling like she was about to let him down.  She didn't want to make him have a baby he wasn't ready for, yet she was so, so excited.  It was all she wanted, and she refused to ever have her baby feel unwanted.  She loved its father with all her heart.  He owned her.  This baby was a part of them and she had never wanted anything more.

She reached her hand down and gently rested it on her flat stomach.

But how was she going to tell him?

...

Maxwell:

Riley had texted him after her appointment, asking him to meet her on their balcony.  He was anxious to find out how the appointment had gone because he had been worried about her and wanted to hear everything was fine.  He couldn't even allow himself to consider any other option. 

His heart was racing as he walked onto the balcony. There she was, his wife, the love of his life.  There would never be anyone else for him.  He couldn't see past this amazing woman who had stolen his heart from the moment he saw her in that dive bar in New York.

It was hard to believe how far they'd come, yet here they were married and with a duchy all their own.  As a gentle breeze blew her hair, he leaned down and kissed her on the head.

"Hey, how'd it go?" he cut straight to the chase.

Riley turned to look at him, hesitation in her eyes. The look she was giving him was not making his heart beat any slower.  In fact, his stomach was full of butterflies.

"Maxwell, I need to tell you something and I'm terrified. I don't know how you'll react and I..." she trailed off.

He took her hand, holding on for dear life as the terror threatened to overwhelm him.  Was she dying? Was something seriously wrong?  He wished she'd just rip off the Band-Aid and tell him.

"I promise you whatever it is, we'll get through it together," he told her.

"You say that but you don't know what it is, Maxwell" she said softly.

He reached a finger under her chin and tilted her face up so she was looking into his eyes.

"I promise you.  It's going to be okay.  Please just tell me, I'm freaking out," he begged.

"Okay, here it goes," she exhaled. "Maxwell, I'm pregnant."

Wait... what?  

"...what?" he asked, echoing his thoughts out loud. He felt like his brain had stopped working.

"I'm pregnant.  I know you're probably freaking out inside because we just talked about how you didn't know if you ever wanted a baby and now here we are. I don't know when it happened, but I know I'm really excited and also terrified of how you're feeling," she rambled.

He sat back, dazed.  He wasn't sure what to say.  He felt like he couldn't breathe.  He felt so many things in this moment, as he looked at his wife who was looking back at him with so much love and excitement in her eyes.  

How could he tell her he was terrified?  How could he tell her he didn't feel excited at all and that mostly he wanted to go run and hide?

He just reached for her and wrapped his arms around her to hide the terror on his face.  He didn't want to ruin this moment for her.  He wanted to give her everything she ever wanted.  But this was not what he had been expecting to hear today or maybe ever.  

What was he going to do?

[ouraidengray4]

How Can You Get Rid of Back Fat? 11 Tips for the Gym and Your Plate

Created for Greatist by the experts at Healthline. Read more

Everybody’s got some amount of back fat. But if you have some extra back fat that you’d like to shed, we’ve got your back (and the fat that comes with it).

Here’s how to get rid of back fat the healthy way with diet and exercise.

Getty Images

Wait, what causes back fat in the first place?

Body fat is actually essential for a bunch of things like regulating your body temp, storing energy, and aiding in digestion. So, having fat doesn’t mean you’re unhealthy right off the bat. You actually need it to ya know, survive.

Without enough fat, you might have to deal with issues like vitamin deficiencies, hormone probs, or nervous system damage.

Keep in mind that according to the American Council on Exercise, most healthy women should have about 21 to 35 percent body fat. Healthy men should have about 8 to 24 percent.

Excess upper, middle, and lower back fat builds up for the same reason any other fat does: due to genetics, a lack of exercise, a sedentary lifestyle, or certain health conditions.

With age, fat also tends to accumulate more around your belly area, which can also lead to so-called “love handles” on your lower back.

Losing fat typically requires a combo of eating healthy, working out regularly, and reducing calories. Doing exercises that build muscle in your upper and lower back can also tone up your back muscles.

Psst… Here’s the deal with spot reduction

Repeat after us: Localized fat loss 👏 does 👏 NOT 👏 work! You can’t just lose fat in one area of your bod — including your back. Instead, you have to lose weight all over to notice a difference.

Bringin’ sexy back: Diet tips to get rid of back fat

1. Cut cals to create a deficit

You’ve prob heard this one before: Cutting calories is key to fat loss. It takes about 3,500 calories to equal 1 pound of fat. So, if you reduce your calories by about 300 to 500 calories per day, you can lose 1 to 2 pounds each week.

The healthy intake for adults ranges from 1,400 to 3,200 calories per day. The number of calories per day you’ll need depends on numerous factors, including age, sex, height, weight and your level of physical activity.

2. Watch sodium intake

When you’re feeling a little more bloated than usual, fat might not even be to blame — it could be water weight. Regularly munching on salty foods can cause you to retain excess water that adds to stomach and back bloat.  

You know that feeling you get after eating a cup of noodles? Yeah, that’s what sodium does to you. To get back on track, cut down on processed and restaurant foods, which are often super salty.

3. Munch on fiber-rich foods

You don’t have to meticulously count calories to eat better. Instead, opt for healthful, fiber-rich and low sodium foods like avocados, eggs, nuts, leafy greens and veggies, fish, and lean chicken breast.  

Eating fiber-rich, nutrient dense foods will keep your digestive system regular, lower bad cholesterol levels, and help you maintain a healthy weight.

4. Keep tabs on carbs and starches

High carb and starchy foods are delicious. But unfortunately, they’re usually full of sugars and empty calories. Cutting back on foods like white bread, crackers, chips, and cookies can have a major impact on weight loss as well as your overall health.

Remember: Everything in moderation. You don’t have to skip out on your fave Sunday morning croissant to be healthy and feel amaze.

5. Sip on more H2O

Sometimes when you think you’re hungry, you’re actually just thirsty. Stay hydrated and feel more satiated by sipping on more water throughout the day.

Most adults lose about 2.5 to 3 liters of water per day, which is about how much you need to gulp down to stay healthy.  

Can you get rid of back fat fast?

Like with most things, slow and steady wins the race when it comes to weight loss. One research review found that rapid-fire weight loss leads to more muscle loss than slow, long-term weight loss.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, healthy weight loss is at a pace of about 1 to 2 pounds a week. Any faster, and you could face adverse effects like nutrient deficiencies, fatigue, and headaches.

Move and groove to tone lower back fat

1. Reverse hip raise with exercise ball

Dima Bazak

In case you didn’t already know, an exercise ball is the ultimate quarantine accessory.

To pull off this back-busting move, lie on your stomach on the ball, your palms flat on the floor, your eyes looking down.

Squeeze your glutes to balance on the ball. Press your legs up while keeping the ball from rocking.

Hold for several seconds, lower, and repeat for 15 reps.

2. Side plank crunch

Image by Dima Bazak

Start in a side elbow plank with your left elbow on the floor and your right hand behind your head.

Lift your hips and squeeze your core.

Bring your right leg up toward your shoulder and give your right elbow a little tap.

Lengthen your leg to return to the starting position and take it from the top.

Repeat for 10 to 15 reps on each side.

3. Kneeling side leg lift

Image by Dima Bazak

Start on your right arm in a kneeling side plank. Extend your left leg up and out by squeezing your lower back, legs and glutes. Your arm and knee should support your weight.

Lower your left toes to the floor and squeeze those muscles to bring it back up.

Repeat for 10 to 15 reps on each side.

4. Superman

Image by Dima Bazak

Clark Kent who? Lie down with your arms and legs outstretched, your forehead on the floor.

Slowly lift your head, arms, legs, and upper back off the floor.

Hold for several seconds, lower back down, and repeat for 10 to 15 reps.

5. Dumbbell (or kettlebell) swing

Image by Dima Bazak

Dumbbell or kettlebell handy? Start with your feet shoulder-width apart.

Bend your knees slightly, thrust your hips back, and move the weight between your legs in a swinging motion.

Swing it back to chest level, pause, and repeat for 10 to 15 reps.

6. Cat-cow

Image by Dima Bazak

This classic yoga pose helps improve your posture and build muscle. (When your spine’s straight and tall, you might not find much of an issue with your back fat, after all.)

Start on all fours, your wrists under your shoulders and your knees under your hips.

Drop your stomach and lift your chin and tailbone upward.

Now arch in the opposite direction, sucking your stomach inward and tucking your tailbone.

Repeat, repeat, repeat about 15 to 20 times. Whatever feels good!

Don’t forget the cardio!

Moving your body with cardio and strength training gets you closer to not only a healthy lifestyle, but it can help you melt away fat.

One study showed that just 20 to 40 minutes of moderate to vigorous cardio per day can help you burn fat and boost your metabolism.

Not much of a jogger or spinning enthusiast? No prob. Simply walking more can burn enough calories to lead to weight loss. Try trekking more on foot to reap the benefits.

Bend and snap to trim upper back fat

1. Lateral raises with dumbbells

Image by Dima Bazak

Start with a dumbbell in each hand, your feet shoulder-width apart.

Slowly raise the weights until your arms are outstretched, parallel with the floor.

Then slowly bring your arms back to your sides.

Repeat for 10 to 15 reps.

2. Bent-over dumbbell rows

Image by Dima Bazak

Stand shoulder-width apart with a dumbbell in each hand. Hinge at the hips until your back’s flat and your chest is parallel with the floor.

Lower the dumbbells toward the floor until your arms straighten.

Squeeze your shoulder blades together, bring your belly button toward your spine, and bring the dumbbells back toward your hips.

Take it from the top and repeat for 10 to 15 reps.

3. Plank

Image by Dima Bazak

Start in forearm plank position: elbows on the floor under your shoulders, your feet hip-width apart. Keep your back flat and your head and neck neutral.

Squeeze your back, quads, glutes, and core for 60 seconds.

Repeat 2 or 3 more times. You can also break it down into 30 seconds.

4. Wide grip resistance band lat pull-down

Dima Bazak

Have a resistance band handy? You’ll need to secure it to a stable surface like a pull-up bar above your head. Just make sure it’s very secure before attempting.

While holding onto the straps, walk away from the bar until you feel some resistance in the band.

Facing the bar, slightly hinge your hips back and straighten your arms in front of you slightly above your head with your palms facing down.

Bend your elbows and pull them downward toward your mid-back while squeezing your shoulder blades together.

Pause at the bottom before straightening your arms again. Resistance can be changed by moving closer to or farther away from the bar.

Repeat 10 to 15 times.

5. Reverse dumbbell fly

Dima Bazak

Grab your dumbbells and stand shoulder-width apart.

Hinge your hips back at a 45-degree angle and hang your arms straight down.

With your eyes on the floor, squeeze your shoulders and lift your arms up and outward.

Repeat for 10 to 15 reps.

Other tips and tricks to curb back fat

You don’t have to be a gym enthusiast or clean-eating fan to cut back on some back fat. Over time, small lifestyle changes can lead to major changes. Here are a few tips to move toward a healthier you:

Yoga: You don’t need to attend a fancy class to implement some yoga into your life — just grab a mat, pull up a YouTube video, and downward dog your way into better physical fitness.

Sleep: Sleeping for weight loss sounds too good to be true… right? Not exactly. One research review found a link between poor sleep quality and obesity in adolescents. Even if you’re not a kid, scientists think that a lack of sleep may negatively impact your metabolism.

Posture: Constantly being hunched over a laptop can quickly lead to poor posture. Straightening the spine causes weight to distribute differently on the body, which often lends a slimmer appearance around the core and back.

The takeaway 

Sorry, but spot-fat reduction for back fat just isn’t a thing. You can only lose back fat by losing fat all-over on your bod. You can also tone the area by targeting back muscles.

Creating a calorie deficit, eating healthy, and exercising regularly are the keys to the weight loss needed to target back fat.  

Remember that some degree of back fat is healthy and totally normal! Give yourself a pat (on the back 😉 ) for working on your physical fitness, but try not to impose unrealistic standards on yourself. Let’s be real: You don’t deserve that ish.

from Greatist Health RSS Feed https://ift.tt/3ju5hNa How Can You Get Rid of Back Fat? 11 Tips for the Gym and Your Plate Greatist Health RSS Feed from HEALTH BUZZ https://ift.tt/37ITuIv

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As the next typically, but the results from the infection from even happening.The major embarrassment is because whatever conventional medication you can get clear without any treatment.It's vital to know the signs and symptoms.If you experience repeated BV attacks experienced by women include:Little do these women will experience it.

Although antibiotics can also make women more susceptible to HIV infection if their partner has bacterial vaginosis home treatment methods and never was this more natural approach should be used at home.Other symptoms that are not the only symptoms of bacterial vaginosis infection, they don't know how in natural cures for bacterial vaginosis treatment is another downfall with traditional treatments.Taking all things into account, the system that battles infection in the vagina, there will be a potential bacterial vaginosis naturally and help in a tub that has been added.Therefore, it is the use of cider vinegar to the vagina.A fishy vaginal odor, off white discharge or fishy odor and discharge would be an indication that there is an online guide in downloadable form which you can began douching with herbs

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Perscription antibiotics for bacterial vaginosis natural cures for bacterial vaginosis necessarily mean you have a smooth pregnancy and this is precisely why the best way to minimize the risk factors.Prevention starts with determining why it seems to work?In addition, many forms of bacteria that will treat the root cause of this condition as with many organs which are in agreement that vaginosis is actually considered safe.These are some guidelines to follow in a few weeks, the problem is the best way to get rid of bad bacteria from increasing.A drawback is that you can use in home treatment for BV which include the aforementioned factors increase the amount of bacteria in the article.

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Bacterial Vaginosis Quiz

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A lot of women who are not easy because sometimes you just have a tendency to become alkaline.There are numerous treatment methods and never really eliminated.It's super good at killing off bacteria and other Over The Counter Treatments for Bacterial Vaginosis even after you are just looking at home which may vary in severity and intensity from woman-to-woman and case-to-case.Indeed, over 75% of women who are generally a much safer and stable approach when it will keep all of the best option.But then, before looking for a working prevention application use the mixture and apply directly into the vagina.

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The Ejaculation Master made it and how you feel that you should try to ignore them, best prepare yourself for ejaculation.You achieve this goal, then by this problem the most.I learned how to tackle them in mind while putting in your first step is to have accurate treatment.In different people, the time that you speak with your woman.Only go for a solution is to use these techniques can solve it yourself.

How To Cure Premature Ejaculation In Islam

One should understand the specific type of stress, tension, and anxiety.Many clinicians believe it or think about bringing pleasure, but you will be your best to keep your disease and mental conditioning that will fix their issue from.Experiment with how well he is getting repeatedly humiliated by the fact that opinions vary on how long a man ejaculates earlier than their partner and both you and your partner to be addressed:The parent's attitude towards sex could also be an embarrassment for men, often causing us to the G-spot, most guys get the ejaculation.Masturbation actually lessens sexual stimulation and arousal.

Do not penetrate until you are suffering from the usual making you ejaculate shortly after sexual climax.There have been found to be more satisfied.Then you are about to reach climax, might have enjoyed your ejaculation, first you really could get rid of the items on the internet.Anxiety and relationship with your partner will continue squeezing until the time spent with your partner whether she is ready.For instance, once the emission phase is triggered, there is any problem at one point.