#then last year a friend (whom i only saw every couple of months) avoided me at our mutual friends wedding

[wherela]

they should invent a friend for me who doesn't randomly stop talking to me for no reason

[ericspinkhair]

dirty thoughts from a distance

pairing: dom!changmin x virgin!reader, best friends to lovers, college au!

synopsis: you masturbate while thinking of your best friend and he catches you moan out his name

word count: 3.8k

warnings: maybe slight angst, (getting caught) masturbating, mutual masturbation, sex in general ig

a/n: y'all are crazyy! it has barely been 19 days and I have already hit 100 followers🤧 thank you guys so much for your support and sending in requests!!! everytime I see leave me nice messages I feel so encouraged to keep on writing even though there is still a lot of room to improve and I am not always completely satisfied with what I create. I wish all of you a great day and hope that you stay happy and healthy!!

this chapter is especially dedicated to @bangcrispychannie​ and anon who requested this kind of scenario ❤️

masterlist + requests

for three years you wondered why you hadn't lost your virginity yet. it's not like you didn't have enough opportunities since you had been in two relationships so far, both lasted about five to seven months.

the feelings in your first relationship were been mostly one-sided however.

when a guy in your biology class named Minho confessed his crush for you, you thought that the only logical next step was to become a couple. you were quite flattered that he had taken such an interest in you and believed and hoped you would eventually develop feelings for him as well. the problem was you didn't. after not being able to be emotionally let alone physically intimate with him for a few months into your relationship, he finally confronted you and you confessed that you just couldn't bring yourself to see him that way. your relationship came to an end just before becoming a senior in high school.

in your last year, you got close with Seonghwa. you were seat neighbors in your english class and you'd chat all the time. he was perfectly sweet, smart and funny and you instantly got along just fine. you developed an interest in him and he seemed to feel the same way. he asked you out with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and some chocolate and you agreed to being his girlfriend without much thought. you caught yourself falling in love with this boy and didn't shy away from physical affection such as kissing and holding hands. you were convinced you were ready to give yourself to him during prom night but when it came to it you chickened out. a couple of hours before, you had found out that your best friend changmin had broken up with his girlfriend of six months.

for a long time you hadn't been able to decipher why you hadn't slept with Seonghwa then. as time passed, the unpleasant answer became clearer and clearer: you had brought up your hopes.

you had been best friends with changmin basically since you started elementary school. on the first day, he scared you with a stupid horror mask he had sneaked in from home and made you cry. he felt so guilty and was determined to make it up to you and to become friends. you had been inseparable ever since.

when he got his first girlfriend in junior year you were devastated. you convinced yourself that the reason for that was that you had been scared he was going to replace you as his best friend but in reality you had felt jealousy.

you were suppressing your feelings because if you confessed, things might become awkward. there was no way changmin could ever like you the same way.

all of this became more difficult as you moved in together for college. you were sharing an apartment now and every day, it became harder to avoid your growing and troublesome feelings. your heart would beat faster whenever he walked around shirtless (which was most of the time) and you decided to try to ignore him. this was especially difficult since you wanted to appreciate his physique. when had he become this handsome? changmin had been dancing all his life so he had always been fit but now that he was majoring in it and training most of the time, his body had developed and he had become super toned and his abs were more prominent.

he'd often make his way into your dreams and you'd let him do inappropriate things with you. you'd wake up wet and needy and even more confused. you were ashamed of seeing him this way. this was not how one normally thought about their best friend.

it was a wednesday morning and you were eating breakfast when changmin joined you in the kitchen. he flashed you a big smile, making his pretty dimples appear which you didn't see as you did not look at him.

'good morning, y/n!' he greeted you in a good mood. you just grunted in response, intensely staring at the cereal swimming in your bowl.

the fact that you couldn't even spare him a glance hurt changmin but he tried to not let it show. he wanted to get you to talk to him.

'do you want to watch a movie and play some board games today after class?' he proposed. you hadn't spent a lot of time together ever since you had become aware of your feelings.

'I have an essay due tomorrow,' you quickly made up as an excuse. the corners of changmin's mouth twitched but you didn't notice as you were too preoccupied with doing anything that didn't include looking at him.

'then maybe on the weekend. or next-' 'I'll be busy,' you interjected. 'I have lots to do.' you stressed the lots to emphasize there was absolutely no way you would be able to hang out with him any time soon.

'umm… okay. I'll be going to class.' he told you dejected. your heart sank but you didn't respond. he was wondering whether he had done anything to make you upset but he couldn't wrap his mind around it. this had been going on for a while and he was starting to become desperate.

when you first got the apartment you spent every free minute of the day together, happy that you finally moved out and could be with each other 24/7, but then you stopped talking to him completely out of nowhere. from one day to the other, you would avoid leaving your room when he was outside and barely talked to him anymore. at first, changmin thought you were just stressed and that you'd eventually warm up again when exam season came to an end but a few months had passed and, if anything, the situation was even worse than before.

you were watching the time and after ten minutes you decided to leave for classes as well. you had started doing this so you couldn't possibly catch up to him and risk having a conversation.

'hey, y/n, what's up!' your friend chanhee hugged you when you arrived on campus. you were both majoring in fashion design and were getting along on well since the beginning of the first semester.

you sighed exasperatedly. 'changmin's up.' you puffed your cheeks and pouted. chanhee nodded knowingly. he was the only person who was aware of your little secret and that was only because you had accidentally drunk confessed the whole story to him at your first college party.

'you know maybe you should tell him. this whole thing is clearly not making you happy and I saw changmin walk by a few minutes ago. if I had to guess I'd say he was in an even worse mood than you. someone accidentally ran into him and he pushed them hard and called them names. it's not like him to overreact like this. he's usually super collected. I think you finally managed to break his spirit,' chanhee reported to you.

this had never been what you intended. why did everything have to be so difficult? you didn't want to be the cause of your best friend's unhappiness.

'he must feel like I despise him. but I cannot confess to him, that would be the end of our friendship!' you were constantly torn apart by this dilemma.

'well, if you're not gonna act on your feelings, maybe try to move on? find something casual or serious with someone new? then you'd forget all about changmin and you'd be able to go back to acting normal around him' he suggested.

chanhee's advice didn't sound too bad. if you couldn't get with changmin then you had to de-crush yourself and find somebody different to focus your emotional energy on. but on who?

'is there anyone you could think of?' you ask chanhee. he had great taste in practically everything so you highly valued his opinion.

'hmm, you could potentially try younghoon hyung? I've seen him eyeing you for weeks now and he even told me thinks your gorgeous.' he wiggled his eyebrows teasingly.

younghoon was a pretty art student, whom chanhee knew from high school. you didn't talk to him often, mostly at parties and he wasn't exactly your type but you tried to remember shouldn't judge him by his first impression when you haven't even got to know him.

chanhee pulled out his phone and soon you felt yours vibrate in your back pocket. you looked at him questioningly.

'I sent you his number in case you're interested,' he explained proudly. he put his hand on your shoulder and you could see the concern in his eyes. 'you really need to get over changmin if don't want to confess,' he insisted firmly.

so you decided to text younghoon during class. he was very polite and you thought he was cute as he seemed excited to talk to you. you agreed to hang out sometime to get to know each other and decided to meet up friday for dinner.

after the end of your classes, you walked home to warm up yesterday's leftovers. to your dismay, changmin had also decided to come home for once. since you began acting all weird and refused to eat with him, he usually spent lunch time with his dance mates as they had practice after anyway. why had he decided to come here today? your question was answered when he ran up to you, smiling from ear to ear and you noticed he was hiding something behind his back.

'you know how there is a blackpink concert downtown on friday? guess what!' he held up two tickets. surely you would at least agree to spend time with him if it meant being able to see your favorite group, right?

he must have gone through so much trouble to get tickets for you and since blackpink were your favorite music artists you were actually contemplating on going but then you remembered you had made plans.

'I can't. I'm going out with younghoon friday night.'

'kim younghoon?' he raised an eyebrow skeptically.

'why would you to be spending time together? I didn't know he was even talking to you,' he questioned you. anger was boiling inside of you.

'maybe it's because you don't know everything about me,' you snapped at him. you were aware that you were being harsh but somehow his words hurt you. why did he doubt you? did he think you weren't able to get with someone as awesome and popular as younghoon? did he not consider you pretty enough?

the microwave beeped, indicating your food was ready, making you snap out of your thoughts.

'y/n, I swear, that's not what I meant.' he stepped directly in front of you so you were forced to look at him. you stared deep into his pleading eyes as you closed the microwave door, turned your back to him, stomped to your room and slammed the door shut, leaving changmin behind in the kitchen.

your whole body was tense as you listened closely to any sounds coming from outside and felt relieved when you heard the front door close. feeling sad and depressed always made you feel tired so you decided to take a nap to forget about all the negative feelings.

when you woke up you were horny af. you had a dream about changmin taking you on the kitchen counter and now your panties were completely soaked with your arousal.

desperate, you pulled them down and tossed them somewhere to the side. it didn't matter. you needed relief now.

you closed your eyes as you slowly started rubbing your clit, imagining it was changmin's slender fingers touching you instead. your imagination was running wild and you sped up the tempo.

eventually, you plunged your middle finger and then your index finger inside you, pretending that changmin was stretching your walls with his cock.

you moaned loudly and picked up the pace, chasing your high. oh, how much you wished he was the one making you come.

'yes?' you opened your eyes and gasped loudly as you saw changmin watching you from the doorway. you hecticly pulled up your blankets to your chest to cover your naked lower body. for how fucking long had he been standing there?

'oh fuck, changmin...' you cursed out loud.

to your surpise he laughed. 'oh, is this why you have been so distant? were you embarrassed about imagining doing dirty things with me?' your cheeks were burning red and you were unable to move a muscle.

'you know, if you had told me you were thinking of me while doing it then I could've helped you out already. that would have spared both of us a lot of frustration.' he stepped into the room and pulled the sheets away, his hungry eyes fixed on your desperately dripping pussy. you tried to hide it with your hands.

'n-no… what are you saying? aren't we best friends? ' you couldn't comprehend what was happening right now. the way he was acting was so unexpected that you didn't know how to react or what to say. he brushed his hand over your burning cheeks. his eyes were conveying disparity.

'but what if I told you I don't care? that I like you? that I see you as more than just my best friend?'

'wait, you like me?' you couldn't believe your ears. was he actually reciprocating your feelings?

he groaned in exasperation. 'y/n, why did you think I ended things with my ex out of the blue?' you shrugged your shoulders as you weren't sure. you had thought it was because she had lost interest in him, at least that's what changmin had told you back then.

'because I realized I was in love you, you dumbass. how could I be together with someone if I had feelings for someone else?'

'I actually ruined my chances of having sex with seonghwa for the first time for the same reason. it was just after I had found out about the breakup,' you confessed, relieved that you were finally beginning to make sense of everything.

he climbed onto the mattress and positioned his knees next to your closed legs, leaning his hands on the wall behind you so that he was hovering above you.

'I'm sorry that you lost that opportunity. let me make it up to you,' he whispered with his face mere inches from yours and then kissed you. losing all self-restraint, you immediately pulled his body closer so that he was straddling you. after all these months filled with sexual frustration and just frustration in general, you were desperate for his touch. your hands wandered under his dance shirt and you were finally able to touch those abs you had been secretly admiring for so long.

you broke the kiss to take off both of your shirts and changmin skillfully unclasped your bra.

while his tongue was exploring the insides of your mouth, his hands were kneading your breasts, occasionally rubbing and pinching your hardened nipples. you felt his hard dick press against your lower abdomen as he grinded himself into you to get friction.

after having dreamt about this moment for so long, you felt impatient. this was too good to be true and you were scared that if you didn't act quick, your bubble would bust.

without thinking twice about it, you pulled down the hem of his sweatpants and boxers just far enough so you could easily reach inside and whip out his dick. you stopped for a moment to admire his length. it looked even better than you had ever imagined in any of your wildest dreams.

he sat upright, leaning on the wall behind you, while you stroked his cock. he was sensitive to your touch and not shy to show you how well you were doing by responding with moans.

'fuck, y/n. you're doing amazing.' his praise made you eager to show him just how good you could make him feel. your lack of experience was barely noticeable as the adrenaline flowing through your veins was guiding you.

you tapped his thighs to signalize him to inch closer. that way your mouth had easier access to his dick. you hesitantly licked up his length and were fascinated by how he tasted. wanting to have more of it, you swirl your tongue around his pink tip. changmin eventually became impatient and forced more of his dick inside your mouth so you tried to take as much of him as you could but your gag reflex made it difficult for you. instead, you worked your hands where your mouth couldn't do its job.

not wanting you to feel neglected, changmin reached behind him to stimulate your clit. he skillfully started rubbing all the right places and you moaned around him, sending vibrations through his cock.

he couldn't take this stimulation for much longer before he had to force himself to pull out of your mouth.

'wow, you almost made me come there.' he panted heavily. 'but I want to be inside you first.' you got lost in his touch as he placed a long kiss on your lips but a sudden thought brought you back to reality.

'wait, I don't have a condom,' you informed him embarrassed. you hadn't planned to lose your virginity any time soon so you hadn't bought any. did that mean the end of this wonderful dream?

but changmin laughed light heartedly. 'no need to worry. hold up, let me get some from my room.' you relaxed again as he disappeared and came back shortly with a condom wrapper in his hand.

you were prepared for him to start right away and took a deep breath in preparation but he didn't do anything.

'I don't think it's a good idea to start yet since I haven't even prepared you. the last thing I would want to do is hurt you so just lay back.'

he positioned your legs over his shoulders so your hips were hovering in the air. you felt his warm breath against your vagina before he drove his tongue inside you, seeing for himself how wet he had made you and tasting your arousal. you clasped your hands over your mouth to stop yourself from releasing any sounds.

'don't do that. I want to hear how good I make you feel,' changmin complained.

when he slid two fingers inside you, you couldn't hold it in anymore and let out some kind of aroused squeal. you felt self-conscious but it seemed like changmin was only more eager to please you.

at the same time, his tongue was abusing your swollen clit and it was impossible for you to hold back the curses that were spilling out of your mouth. the pleasure he was making you feel was a whole different sensation from anything else you've experienced before.

'more please, changmin!' you begged. you wanted more. you needed more. you needed him.

he carefully lowered your hips back down. 'are you sure you want this?' he asked you, waiting for you to clearly consent to having sex with him.

'I want you. you, and only you,' you reassured him and brought his face closer to kiss him. changmin's typical bright smile formed and you felt the butterflies in your stomach go crazy.

he positioned himself at your entrance, swiping his dick between your folds like a credit card to coat it with your juices.

you gripped his arms tightly as he pushed in. he slowly continued until all of him was buried deep inside you before stopping. the feeling of a whole penis inside of you was very different from your or changmin's fingers. it filled you up to the brim and was rubbing all the good spots. while it initially caused you a bit of discomfort, it wasn't overwhelming and it also felt good in a weird way.

when your walls finished adjusting to his length, he began to steadily move his dick in and out.

changmin intensely studied your face. he couldn't believe that after all those years you were finally close to being his. he wanted to savor every single expression you made while he was inside you.

you wrapped your legs around his torso, trying to push him deeper. he slammed his cock back inside you.

'you are mine,' he declared and started going harder and faster.

'I am yours,' you confirmed and wrapped your arms around his neck to pull him in for a kiss.

because of the extensive foreplay and your own masturbation prior to this, it didn't take long until your walls were tightening around his dick and you felt an orgasm approaching.

driven wild by you clenching around his cock, he thrusted into you even faster. you rested your sweaty foreheads against each other as both of you almost came simultaneously.

changmin kissed the top of your head before he pulled out and threw away the used condom. you opened your arms and he let himself fall right into your embrace.

'I know this might be kind of weird to talk about right now but do you want to be my girlfriend?' Changmin asked you. he still wasn't too sure what all of this meant for your relationship and he desperately needed to know where your mind was at.

'after having liked you for all this time I'd be an idiot to say no.' 'you're an idiot anyway,' he teased. you slapped his arm.

'hey! I'm not the one who ignored you for a couple of months because my hormones are out of control.' you hid your face in the crook of his neck, too embarrassed face him.

'I'm really sorry for that. you just mean so much to me and I didn't want my feelings to get in the way of our friendship.' he stroked your hair.

'I do understand that. if I hadn't heard you moan my name today I wouldn't have acted on my feelings either. but all is good now, right?' 'right.' you smiled and placed a small kiss below his ear.

'there is still one thing you need to do,' changmin tried to remind you. you looked at him, puzzled.

'what do you mean?' 'younghoon,' he hinted. you immediately started looking for your phone. that date was definitely going to have to be cancelled. there was no need for you to find a distraction anymore since you had been granted your wish after all.

[cherriesfineline]

savior next door

im on a writing trance so expect a lot of writings from me hehe, here's what i wrote last night, enjoy besties.

- fluff & a tiny little bit of smut (not really lol) | not proofread, sorry

Pairing: HarryxY/N

WC: 3.8k

the one where Harry is Y/N's shy and virgin neighbor.

The constant feeling of uneasiness has been haunting Harry ever since he almost got himself in a car accident almost a year ago.

It hadn’t been his fault – he was crossing a random street in a quiet area of New York when a hand grabbed his upper arm and pushed him out of the crosswalk, where a car speeded through without even slowing down. “Watch where you’re going, you’re going to get yourself killed.” The woman who’d saved his life scolded at him with a worrying look on her face. He remembers her eyes were glowing in such a splendor, something he’d never seen before – it intrigued him to know who his life savior was, but before he could even make a comment, the woman stormed off and got lost between the seas of people around the corner, leaving Harry in an unsuccessful search for her.

Harry has never been a people person. He always avoids big crowds, social events and especially, study groups. His university journey so far has been a lonely and reserved one, having movie marathons when not studying or discovering new kinds of herbal teas. His only form of social interaction is the occasional chat with his across-the-hall neighbor Niall, whom he considered -kind of- a close friend; his only one, in fact.

“Heard someone’s moving in to the flat next to yours.” Niall knows Harry isn’t exactly a social butterfly, and maybe it’s the fact that Harry is younger than him and how he seems like such a harmless human what makes him feel like he needs to help him. Harry just shrugs at his comment, not really interested in any possible intruder to their peaceful hallway (where both their apartments and the currently empty one in the corner were the only three ones on their floor). And maybe it was the fact that it has been almost a month since Niall’s comment what made him furious when he saw the cardboard boxes on their hallway, forgetting about the possibility of having a new neighbor.

The sudden sound of glass crashing and a loud yell snaps Harry out of his frustrated trance, stepping around the huge boxes scattered around the door next to his to knock on the doorway of the open door. Even if he really isn’t very fond of having a new neighbor that doesn’t mean he’s not going to check on them to see if they’ve gotten hurt. “Is everything alright?” He still can’t see whoever is inside, but he decides on waiting if no one replies to step inside. But he doesn’t need to, because as he was about to make his way inside, a head pops up from one side of the entry hallway, assuming that’s where the kitchen is, as he notices the apartment is a replica of his own, but inverted.

“Hey, sorry, just dropped my favorite cup.” His breath gets caught on his throat when her life savior’s face appears in sight, the cutest frown adorning her features and her sweet voice resonating through his brain. Her eyes, exactly like he remembers shine with an unbeatable glow, like a thousand diamonds under a microscope, but the image he had of her on his brain doesn’t make her justice – she is even more beautiful than he remembers. “I’m Y/N, nice to meet you. You live in this floor?” Harry can’t help but be disappointed at the fact that apparently she doesn’t remember him.

“Y-yes, next door. H-harry.” He stutters. Her presence just makes him so nervous, he can’t help it. She is probably one of, if not the, most beautiful woman he’s ever laid eyes on. Her eyes are hypnotizing, the softness of them which appears to be constant warms his insides and he thinks he could spend hours upon hours staring right at them.

“Do I know you? I feel like I know you.” Y/N’s thinks out loud, her expression alluding to her thoughts trying to place him somewhere in her memories.

“Uh, I- I don’t think so?” Harry feels embarrassed, so he couldn’t come up with a better answer. He is silently hoping she doesn’t remember the time they met all that time ago – this is his chance, he thinks, to redeem himself, for her to see him as a normal dude instead of this clumsy and shy boy who couldn’t even thank her when she saved him from being ran over by a car.

He wishes he could read her mind. What’s her first impression on him? Does she think he’s cute? She probably doesn’t. He thinks she’s too pretty to even spare a second glance at someone like him; a shy boy with bad posture and still breaking out in his forehead despite being 22. And she, Y/N, a woman who could make anyone her own, a woman who probably makes every head turn her way when entering a room. Harry feels his chest deflate as his thoughts start beating him up.

During the course of her first two months living next door, Y/N and Harry barely interact. He keeps stealing glances her way whenever they run into each other in the hallway, getting shy and cheeks reddening when she catches him every time. He gets jealous whenever he hears her walking down the hallway from inside his apartment, obvious guests coming in and out of her apartment – and if the person (because he recalls hearing both men and women) is good enough, he can even hear her sometimes through the thin wall that divides their bedrooms, her headboard clearly mirroring his. He feels dirty and intrusive during nights like these, so he opts on putting headphones on, music playing in his phone to help him drift off to sleep.

But Y/N is fascinated by him, maybe not as much as he is with her, but enough to wonder how it’d be like to reallyhave him in her life. She knows he’s a very reserved man, her animated chats with Niall more usual than not drift towards Harry and how she wishes he’d just keep looking at her when she catches his eye instead of running away – not because her ego is enormous or anything, but she is aware of the obvious crush Harry has on her. “He’s not going to start conversation, you should just go for it.” She remembers Niall told her one night after having a small chat in his threshold; because all Niall wants is for Harry to put himself out there, but he knows he needs a little extra push.

But it all changes one night. A night Y/N drinks more than usual – shot after shot going down her throat making her feel nothing but dizzy, the sensation of puke going up her throat forcing her to call it a night. Barely making it out of the elevator she stumbles on her way to her door, and Harry hears her. The sound her combat books make is so engraved in Harry’s brain he knows it’s her after just a couple of steps.

“Fuck.” Harry hears the unmistakable sound of her keys, and how she’s clearly struggling to fit them inside the lock. After a loud banging sound and what sounds like her sliding down the door, he starts worrying about her and how she’s probably not going to make it inside her apartment without a little help. So he steps outside after sliding his old white vans on to find her on the floor leaning against her door, legs bent and elbows resting on either knee supporting her head.

“Y/N?” He calls her in a whisper. She shoots her head up immediately making her insides turn, and with unfocused eyes, she looks up at him and smiles fondly.

“Hey, pretty boy.” She greets him with a soft smile, eyes closing and opening again slowly and Harry feels his stomach erupt in a thousand butterflies. Did she just call him pretty boy?

“You need help?”

“Please.” Harry’s red cheeks don’t go unnoticed by her the moment she lifts her hand to give him her keys and she honestly thinks he might explode. He helps her get up and guides her inside her home with such gentle movements she could melt in his hold, and that’s when she decides (drunk out of her mind) she wants him to hold her again, soon. And while sober.

He lays her down in her bed and announces he’s going to take her shoes off, giving her enough time to object. “I always catch you staring, you know?” Her thoughts slip off her lips unannounced, but she doesn’t really care. Harry, on the other hand, freezes in his spot, one of her shoes still in hand and with wide eyes he connects their gazes for the second time that night.

“I- I… I’m sorry- I don’t mean to be c-creepy or anything I j-just-“

“Shh.” She cuts him off, his stuttering making its first appearance of the night. “Didn’t say I don’t like it.” She confesses and wiggles her feet so he can resume his actions. Harry’s brain is betraying him more than usual right now. His thoughts are everywhere, not a single coherent answer coming to mind, so he doesn’t do anything but finish helping her out of her shoes in silence.

“Goodn-night, Y/N.” Harry left her apartment that night after carefully placing a soft blanket over her body and making sure she had a glass of water on her nightstand (he didn’t want to snoop around her apartment for some pills for her hangover, so he just left her with the duty of doing that herself in the morning) and laid in bed with so many thoughts running through his head he barely got an hour of sleep that night.

And that went on for a week. Knowing she was sleeping on the other side of the wall makes him more nervous than before now that he knows Y/N is aware of his constant staring – but who would blame him? She really is a sight for sore eyes. Y/N knocks on his door the following Saturday, and he opens it surprised to find her on the other side, mainly because she’s usually out with her friends by now every Saturday (not that he’s constantly waiting to hear her walk on their hallway, but he truly is always sitting on his living room and the thin walls of their apartment complex don’t provide them much privacy).

“Harry, hi.” She offers him the sweetest smile, but there’s a shy and nervous undertone to it this time. “I just wanted to thank you, for helping me the other night.” She clasps her hands together in front of her and nods with a tight lipped smile. “But I also want to apologize, I know I probably made you uncomfortable with uh, some comments I made.” She slightly scrunches her nose, waiting for his reply.

But Harry is, in simple words, speechless. He can’t believe there’s a sober Y/N who just knocked on his door willingly talking to him. Her voice sounds so melodic and Harry just wants to cuddle her and the giant, soft looking green sweater she’s wearing isn’t helping him ease his thoughts. He wants Y/N to hold him while she talks to him with that sweet voice of hers, he wants to hold her small hands and fill her cheeks and mouth with kisses along with every inch of her body -not that she’d ever let him, Harry thought, but a boy can dream-, but most importantly, he wants to learn every single detail about her. How she likes her coffee in the mornings, or if she prefers tea. In which position she sleeps the most comfortable in and if there’s any TV shows she re-watches just because it brings her comfort. He has so many questions he wants to ask her he completely forgets they’d been standing in his threshold for long minutes, with him just staring at her.

“It’s ok, don’t worry.” He says barely above a whisper, and they stay in their positions for a while, again with no words spoken between them, until he finally gains enough courage to ask, “Do you want to come in?” He opens his door a bit wider with a wary look on his face. Y/N nods, her smile widens and makes her eyes sparkle with that glow Harry is still fascinated by.

They sit in the couch with a long distance between them; farther away from the other than any of them like. Y/N does most of the talking, but she truly doesn’t mind – she talks animatedly about this new show Bridgerton she binge watched last night, Harry making mental notes about most things she says. He wants to remember everything, from the way her voice slightly sharpens when she mentions something she suddenly remembers to the way she moves her hands to accompany her speech; he already loves how expressive she is with her face features, and only confirms how he’d listen to her speak for the rest of his life.

Y/N manages to get more words out of him than she expected, and asks for his opinion or thoughts on most things she mentions. She hates making conversation purely about herself, she wants to know about Harry as much as she can. She wishes he would initiate conversation or switch topics with no shame, but she knows she’s asking for too much. This night alone they interacted more than the last three months combined, and Y/N is grateful for it.

Three chapters of FRIENDS had passed when she finds herself scooting a bit closer to him, carefully trying to read his body language. When he stiffens in his position, she turns her head to look at him. His cheeks are tinted a cute shade of pink, and he’s blinking a lot more than he usually does. He places both hands on his thighs and runs them up and down to get rid of the sweat accumulating on them, and he can’t help but gasp when their thighs touch, meaning she scooted even closer. As if that isn’t enough to kill him, she softly rests her head on his shoulder.

“Is this ok?” Y/N whispers, and he forces himself to turn his head to find her eyes, which are already looking up at him. He slowly nods and makes the dumb mistake of looking down at her lips. He feels the hot embarrassment run up his neck and quickly turns to face his TV again, planning on pretending nothing ever happened.

That is, until he feels the soft skin of her palm and gentle fingers grab his jaw, forcing his gaze back on her. That touch alone makes him feel more than any other human has made him feel in his entire life – but it doesn’t compare to the eruption of jitteriness washing through him when her eyes look down at his lips.

“Can I kiss you?” Harry freezes in his spot. He wonders if he heard her correctly, not believing his senses when around her, the possibility of her wanting to kiss him are too low, he thinks, and when he doesn’t respond, she slowly begins to remove her hand from his face, taking a guess on his unspoken rejection. He, for once, reacts quickly enough; he grabs her by her wrist, placing her hand back again in its spot on his jaw, and works enough courage to just go for it. Harry lowers his face to gently envelope her top lip between his own. It’s quick but sweet (just like she had expected their first kiss to be, if she’d ever got lucky enough to experience it) and when he moves away just enough to separate her lips, she wastes no time in connecting them again. This time, the kiss is longer and with more determination than before, and when Harry feels Y/N melt into him, he gains enough confidence to grab her face with both of his hands, deepening the kiss.

They stay enveloped in each other for a while, mouths molding and moving in sync with so many unspoken emotions it feels overwhelming for both – they barely know each other, they’re very aware of it, but the undeniable infatuation they both feel is stronger than they’d ever admit. Y/N feels on her face the long exhale that leaves through Harry’s nose when she softly traces his bottom lip with the tip of her tongue, and when he meets her tongue with his, the mood that was settled between them switches drastically – from sweet and innocent to needy and passionate.

Harry isn’t very experienced with kissing, let alone with anything past first base. He’d only made out with a girl all the way back in high school during his senior prom, and the girl was so harsh and desperate Harry knew that moment he wouldn’t ever share an intimate moment with anyone again unless he truly felt something for them. Now, he knows it might seem like he’s rushing things in his heart, but he’d do anything with and for Y/N – but he knows he’s not ready just yet.

His nervousness consumes him again when she moves to straddle his lap, making him whimper at the new position. He shakily places his hands next to her legs on the couch, not sure what is too much and what is ok to do. She runs her hands from his jaw down to his shoulders, and moves them all the way down his arms to his hands, giving them a soft squeeze before placing them on her waist and sliding her own back up again towards his neck, never breaking the kiss.

He unintentionally lets a second whimper leave his mouth when she sits herself down on his lap, creating some friction between their groins. He knows he’s hard – he felt his dick grow in his pants the second she touched his jaw, but knowing Y/N could feel it now put him a tad on edge. He separates their lips; their agitated breathing mixing in between them.

“I- I’ve never…” Harry begins, but he’s having a hard time finding the correct words. Y/N understands almost immediately – she’s not proud to admit she had figured he was unexperienced, feeding the stereotype of shy-ergo-virgin, even though she was correct this time.

“We won’t do anything you don’t want to,” Y/N gives him a soft peck and continues, “you can say no, but I’d love to make you feel good, if you’d let me. We can keep our clothes on.” Y/N suggests. If she has to be honest, she hasn’t dry-humped anyone since high school, but the thought of doing it with Harry lights her insides in animalistic flames.

When Harry timidly nods, she shakes her head with her eyebrows raised in a disapproving look, “Use your words, H.”

“I- I want you to- to do it. I- I trust you.” His stuttering makes Y/N’s insides warm, the fact that she makes him nervous amuses her – she’s certain she’s never made anyone this nervous before, but it is the fact that Harry admitted he trusts her what sends shivers down her spine. All she does in response is roll her hips against his – and when he closes his eyes with a pleasured groan leaving his lips, she does it again. Harry’s grip on her waist lowers to her hips, squeezing the flesh that was subtly beginning to get exposed from all the movement, and when he throws his head back Y/N takes advantage of his exposed neck to finally attach her lips to it. Her hold on one side of his face moves to grip his jaw, turning his head slightly to the side so she can suck on the sweet spot behind his ear still rolling her hips on his, and when she pokes the spot with her tongue to soothe the pleasuring sting, he unconsciously thrusts his hips up to meet hers; Y/N can’t help but smile and leave a trail of sweet, wet kisses from his new deepening bruise to the place where his neck meets his shoulders, repeating her actions there to leave a second bruise.

Harry feels his cock twitch in his pants when Y/N rolls her hips with more pressure, and they both know he’s close - his inexperience making him not last longer than a couple of minutes. “Are you going to cum for me?” Y/N asks him, holding his jaw tightly to keep his gaze on hers, and when he shyly nods she adds, “I want you to look at me when you do it.”

Harry can’t believe what’s going on – he has the most beautiful woman in the word on top of him about to make him cum, and he’s sure he’s going to come so hard he’ll probably have to throw his briefs into the trash. Her gaze staring so intensely into his eyes is what makes his insides finally explode, his eyes seeing white for a moment – with his mouth open ajar and glossy eyes he feels the large amount of cum spurting from his cock, making a mess inside his pants. The pleasure and fullness he feels during this moment is something he has never experienced before, never thinking he would surrender this fast over someone else’s actions. Y/N slows her movements but doesn’t stop for a while, allowing him to empty his insides until he hisses at the friction. Harry hugs her lower back to pull her closer to him, and Y/N lets her head drop to his shoulder so they can both catch their breaths.

They stay like that for a while, hugging each other with Y/N running her hand softly through his chocolate curls and Harry tracing small circles on the small of her back.

“You saved me from a car accident, a year or so ago.” Harry confesses – the pure bliss he’s feeling makes him dizzy and unaware of his words.

“I know. I remember.” Y/N confesses herself, and when Harry’s soft caresses stop at her back, she removes her head from the warm spot on his neck to look at him in the eyes, finding a confused frown in his eyebrows and lips in a small pout – she kisses him soft and quickly, not being able to contain herself. “I figured you either didn’t remember or didn’t bring it up for a reason, so I chose to not mention it.” She shudders and gives him a soft smile.

“Was embarrassed, still am.” Harry whispers with red cheeks, and Y/N’s laugh resonates through his living room, and if he wasn’t already obsessed with her, her laugh completes his way there.

“So cute.” She pecks his lips. “Can’t believe it took us this long to… talk.” Another peck. A knowing look on her face knowing damn well they did more than talking.

“You are too pretty. And intimidating. Can’t even walk in front of you without tripping over my own feet.” Y/N giggles at his confession, finding him even more amusing.

“Do you want to go on a date tomorrow?” Y/N asked, not being able to wait another day to ask. Harry feels his cheeks hurting from all the smiling, but he is too content in this moment.

“I’d love to.”

x

As always, feedback is truly appreciated,

love, Joey.

[inkbyajm]

Bottled Up

pairing: C.H. x fem!reader

category: angst, fluff

warnings: yelling, crying, insecurities

word count: 2.2k

notes: apologies for the tardy post, i wrote and rewrote and re-rewrote the whole angsty scene because i didn’t know if it was written well enough, i wanted to make sure you guys could feel the emotions that i vividly visualised and tried my best to put into words  :( i did send it to a friend to check and she seemed to like it, so let me know how it goes for you, my loves. the angst for this one was inspired by 2 different songs - hold me while you wait by lewis capaldi and i will run from you by cemeteries. it’s not necessarily about the lyrics, but more about the melody and the mood you get into listening to them (they go in order). give those a listen :) also, beware of the upcoming philosophy references, i did study philosophy last year, hopefully no one gets triggered lmao

< previous    next >

Is a person’s scent something a normal human being picks up on before taking into account the rest of their features? Would a normal human being remember said scent and be able to recognise it in a crowd full of strangers? Corpse wasn’t too sure about the answer, but one thing he did know, is that she smelled delicately sweet, like cherry blossoms, and that ever since he had noticed it during their game night a few weeks ago, he simply couldn’t let it go. It was intoxicating, but in a calming way. 

━

Corpse and (Y/N) each lay on their beds in their own homes, going into the third hour of their call. He couldn’t exactly fall asleep, so he had decided to see what his dear friend was up to, and even though she was this close to succumbing to sleep, she said nothing and stayed up to keep his busy mind company.

“Okay, hot topic: what do you think about soulmates? More specifically the romantic type?” the girl asked, not knowing how much of a risqué question it was. How was he supposed to answer?

“I don’t really have an opinion on it. Why?”

“I read Symposium by Plato the other day and it presented an interesting concept about human beings. Basically-” Of course she fucking read philosophical books. How were they even having a conversation with each other? Why were they even friends? She was on a whole other level of smart. “-so this guy says that humans were like androgynous blobs, so they’d come in two sets of everything a normal person has. But those humans were so powerful, the gods were literally shaking in their robes, so Zeus decided to cut everyone into two to weaken them. But then humans became so miserable, they spent their entire lives searching for their other halves. In the end, Zeus kinda felt bad and said fuck it, I’ll give y’all dicks and vaginas for every time you wanna hug each other. And that’s the oldest explanation there is about the idea of soulmates.” she sighed, finished with her rant.

“That was...not at all the story I expected to hear.” she heard him mumble on the other side of the call. “Yeah, Greek philosophers were up to some reeal freaky things, you would have loved them,” he laughed at her joke, “I honestly think it’s cute. Not the whole cutting people into two thing, but like, longing for someone and then finding them because you finally feel complete. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a prince in shining whatever to sweep me off my feet. But it does sound nice, that ideal comfort, a person you’re just...meant to be with, I guess.”

There was a moment of silence that neither of them really minded, before it was Corpse’s turn to ask the second bold question of the night. “Have you found that person yet? Your soulmate?”

She’s never thought about it before, but she hasn’t really thought about soulmates that much either, it was a spontaneous thought she had said out loud. “I’m not sure, actually. (B/F/N) could be one, I guess.” (Y/N) shrugged in return. Wasn’t she going to ask him about it? She probably didn’t care that much. Understandable.

“My favourite quote about love is «You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.». It’s by Sam Keen, the American philosopher. It maay be the hopeless romantic in me shining through, but I do very much agree with his statement.” Did this mean anyone could have a chance with her despite their fuckups? So if he were to try, would she-?

“Obviously, there are some things that just can’t be ignored or avoided, but at that point it’s preferences and personal tolerance. Depends on the person, ya know?” she swiftly added, unaware of the effect it had on him. Sick. Some people were just meant to rot alone.

The final question was posed by (Y/N). She’d be lying if she said she wasn’t at all curious. This little crush of hers had been steadily growing with every hang out, every laugh, every hug and every glance. There are rarely ever moments where one could casually discuss a topic this personal with friends, at least there weren’t with friends one had feelings for. This was the perfect opportunity.

“Corpse?”

“Hmm?”

“Have you ever been in love?” her voice was soft, her approach gentle.

“Well, I’ve been in relationships before, so I guess, yeah? It’s been so long, I don’t even know what love feels like anymore.” he let out a breath resembling a chuckle. Lamest fucking answer ever. But it was true. He hadn’t thought about love in that way in quite a while.

“A lot of people describe it as having an intense range of overwhelming feelings. Lightheadedness, slight shakiness, heart palpitations, some people have even reported losing their appetite. Crazy how human bodies work, huh? Oh! Speaking of chemicals-”

She had continued on to ramble about...chemistry? Eyes? Corpse couldn’t really hear what she was saying anymore, let alone concentrate on her words, as he pieced everything that’s been happening for the past few months together. The nauseating feeling. The pounding of his heart so fast it felt like he was about to die. The urge to make as little eye contact with her as possible, because otherwise he’d turn into a furnace. The obsession with her perfume, like he was some fucking creep. The fool was falling in love. And it was at that moment that everything had come crumbling down.

━

(Y/N) and Corpse hadn’t talked for a couple of weeks. Or rather (Y/N) messaged the 23 year old many times, but he’d either claim to be busy or just not answer at all. There were two possible reasons for the sudden lack of contact: he was indeed busy with his musical projects and couldn’t allow himself to be distracted; or something much more serious was going on. It didn’t matter, for she was already in her car, on her way to his apartment.

Arriving at her destination, she used the spare key he gave her months ago, a sign of absolute trust, and allowed herself into his humble abode. Silence reigned in her friend’s residence. She thought maybe he had gone somewhere, and though that was unlikely, it wasn’t unprecedented. The door to his recording room was closed, and while she was tempted to check if he was in there, she refrained from doing so, knowing that specific room was not to be entered unless he was around to give permission.

“Corpse?” she called out just to make sure. There was no response for a few minutes, which made her assume she had the place for herself, until she heard a door open behind her. Turning around, she saw his figure emerge from said recording room in a white t-shirt and black sweatpants, his curly hair disheveled.

“Hey, how are you d-”

“Why are you here?” he spoke flatly, interrupting her. “Well- You weren’t, um, answering your messages or any of my calls, so I thought something had happened.” she replied, suddenly nervous, fiddling with the rings on her fingers. “Nothing happened. I told you I was busy.”

The air around them seemed colder as tensions rose. (Y/N) could tell he was irritated, but she couldn’t exactly figure out why. She had never seen this side of him before. “Okay. Tell you what, I assume you haven’t had dinner yet, so why don’t I go ahead and start cooking something up while you-”

“Get out.”

She blinked a few times, not quite registering the words that had just left his mouth. “Sorry?” Her voice was quiet. She was taken off guard.

“Are you deaf? I said get. the fuck. OUT.”

Corpse shouted the last word, making her flinch in what appeared to be fear. Good. Run away while you still can. Heart pounding, (Y/N) took a second to remind herself whom she was speaking to. “I see that you’re angry, but at least give me a reason why-”

“You want a reason? I just don’t fucking WANT you here!” Anger grew inside of him like a tumor, but it wasn’t intended for her. She had simply been caught in a storm that had been building up for years. “Do you understand that?! I can’t fucking be around you without feeling like I’m going to EXPLODE.”

His words hit her like paintballs. They were only words, plain and simple, but they dug deeper and deeper into her skin with each hit, until, eventually, it broke. Eyes burning, she felt the tears slowly welling up in them.

“Why are you doing this to me?!” her own voice grew louder with frustration, but mostly, confusion.

“Maybe because I can? Because I’m a goddamn asshole?” 

“Don’t say that.”

“How?! How can I not say it when it’s the truth!” He wanted to stop. His mind told him to cease whatever it was that he was doing. However, blinded with resentment towards himself, he only spilled words he would regret after it was too late. 

“I can’t function like a normal fucking human being. I can’t be a good friend, son, or whatever the fuck else, and I sure as hell can’t love you.”

The paintballs had turned into a singular sword. A very long, very sharp sword that had found itself plunged deep inside her chest. How did he found out? When? Had she been too obvious? Had she been pushy? Clingy? Way out of line? The woman before him was unable to conceal her shock, as tears came rushing down her hot cheeks. Her voice brittle, she tried defending herself. She couldn’t leave it at that. She had to try. Try to have him see reason. “You don’t love me, that’s fine. But you didn’t have to deliver it this way-”

“But I did.” breathless with fury, Corpse clenched his fists so tight they had turned cold, yet they were still trembling. “You can get so naïve and dumb, you won’t understand things unless they’re spelled out nice and fucking bold for you.”

He closed with (Y/N) until their noses nearly touched. He noticed the way she silently shook, her eyes which shed endless tears never leaving his gaze. Unable to make a single sound, she felt the man’s hot breath on her face, his aura domineering.

“Now get. out.”

Her body wouldn’t cooperate as she just stood there. Staring back at him, her inner brows raised. Corpse wanted to hug her. Envelop her trembling figure with his and tell her he was sorry, that he meant none of it, that he had lost his mind. But he couldn’t bring himself to do anything. And with his own tears threatening to spill, he created a distance between them. He needed her gone.

“Leave! GO!”

His yelling was enough to jolt (Y/N) out of her trance, and, in a hurry, she sprinted towards the entrance. The door closed behind her, she felt a sudden urge to fill her lungs with much needed air. She jumped at the resounding scream that emanated from deep within his soul, letting out all of his pent-up rage.

Feet carrying her all the way to her car parked outside of the building, the young woman managed to climb in, and this was the queue for her body to break down. The night was young. The street empty. No one around to hear her long-lasting wailing. She clutched the steering wheel for support, fingers wrapping around the leather in a tight grip. A headache was creeping up from the back of her skull. Her ears pulsated in response to the heavy pounding of her heart. Clumsily, (Y/N) inserted the key into the ignition, felt around for the gear stick, and drove away. She didn’t know where she was going or how long it was going to take to get there. She needed to get out.

What went wrong? When did it go wrong? She couldn’t help but feel guilty, feel at fault. She had never seen that side of him before. He had never treated her that way before.

It was the hugs, wasn’t it? He had to have noticed the way she held on for a second too long to enjoy the smell of his cologne. Her vision blurred as she resumed softly weeping, her salty tears staining her top. Or it might have been the touchiness, she would practically glue herself to him during their movie nights. Unaware of both her actions and surroundings, (Y/N)’s breathing quickened, becoming ragged. Maybe he didn’t like the way she called him three times a week. Her hands were slowly losing control over the wheel, over the vehicle she was driving. She invaded his privacy. That was definitely it. Fuck. How could she have been so damn blind, selfish, ignorant, FUCKING STUPID.

Lights. Something was moving towards her- MOVE.

With a sharp turn, she dodged the approaching car just by a hair’s breadth, but as she had avoided one accident, another came just as quickly. 

[reidandweep]

No Better Outcome

Spencer Reid x Reader (female)

A/N- I had a request for a Spencer imagine where the reader was held at gun point by the unsub and Spencer had to talk them down. I said it would be finished last week and posted, but to be honest, I hated how it was so I re-wrote the whole thing. I ca’t remember who requested it either.

Word Count- 2336 words

Warnings- Angst, Fluff, mentions of guns and murder.

“What do we know about this guy?”

Y/N glanced at Reid as she continued to drive to their destination. The team had been called to Baltimore on a case the morning before. Four couples had been found brutally murdered in their homes; located across the city. The team had quickly learnt that all the couples were newly engaged and had very healthy, happy relationships.

“Landon Reeves, aged 24. Garcia looked into each of the couples lives and found that Landon works at the local auto repair shop. Each of the males have visited the shop in the past three months, all complaining about the same problem with their cars; faulty breaks. Landon was the one that handled all the bookings.”

Y/N nodded her head as Reid spoke, taking in the information.

“So, we’ve got a 24-year-old, Caucasian, male who has fixed all four male victims’ vehicles in the last 90 days, which they all coincidentally needed the same job doing. Sounds like to me; Landon might have had his eye on them before they entered the shop. There’s too much coincidence between the couples for him not to have.”

Pulling up to a red light, Y/N turned her head to look at Spencer.

“The murders looked disorganised but were actually very meticulous. All the women were mutilated in the bathroom, but their bodies were tucked into the beds. They were covered and their arms crossed; showing signs of remorse. But the male victims were splayed and left out for all to be seen. He hid the women’s modesty and treated the men like animals.”

Honking drew Y/N from her thought process. Swivelling her body to face the wheel once more, she continued to drive.

Spencer comprehended Y/N’s words.

“Maybe he lost a fiancée or girlfriend? Left him for someone else or even cheated.”

Spencer shook his head.

“Usually, if an unsub targets woman that remind him of an unfaithful partner, the attack towards them would be messy, violent, and have shown forms of sexual assault. This hasn’t occurred here. The women were shot clean through the heart. No signs of sexual assault or torture. Garcia already looked into any past relationships of Landon’s. No spousal deaths or even any signs of a partner from his social media. Ever.”

Y/N pulled up on the curb outside their desired location. They had already checked to see if Landon was at work before they travelled to his home. Speaking to his co-workers at the garage, they were more than sure he was their unsub.

“Well, let’s go do our job Dr Reid. All we can do is question for now.”

Spencer chuckled as Y/N opened the SUV door, sliding out and adjusting her appearance; making sure her gun was secure in her holster. Shaking his head, Spencer stepped out and walked to her side.

Walking side by side as they walked up the steps of the house, the pair stopped at the door; Y/N stepped forward and knocked on the wood.

They waited for any sign of an answer. Spencer looked through the window to see a figure walking towards the door.

The pair stood straight as Landon opened the door.

“Landon Reeves?”

“Speaking?”

Y/N glanced at Spencer as he spoke.

“I’m Dr Spencer Reid and this is SSA Y/F/N Y/L/N. Were from the FBI. We just wanted to ask you some questions.

Landon begun to shift uncomfortably in his stance.

“About what?”

Y/N stepped slightly as she spoke, noticing the increased edge of his tone of voice.

“We just want to ask about a few of your customers. Of course, only if it isn’t a waste of your time.”

Landon stood silently for a while before he allowed them into the house.

Insisting Y/N to go first Spencer kept his eye on Landon, just in case he tried to run for it as they walked inside. He didn’t.

Shutting the door behind Spencer, Landon ushered them into the living room; offering them to take a seat on his sofa.

He gave of waves of discomfort. Fidgeting with his hands, biting his lip, and avoiding eye contact. He was guilty of something. But murder? Y/N wasn’t how sure. Something would have had to make him snap.

Y/N allowed Spencer to take the lead in questioning as she discreetly surveyed the room.

“Mr Reeves, on a weekly basis, how many customers do you have come into the workshop?”

Landon shrugged his shoulders.

“It depends. Some weeks are better than others.”

Spencer nodded his head.

“On average, according to the week, how many cars do you repair which the fault concerns the brakes?”

Landon shuffled in his chair as he uncrossed and re-crossed his arms.

“Only about one or two. We mostly get broken taillight or problem with the exhaust.”

Y/N’s eyes caught the pictures on the fireplace as she pretended to write down Landon’s answers. She knew Spencer would remember what he said word for word, so she had no worry but to focus on surveying the area for any information that could help.

Above the mantel piece sat an array of pictures showing Landon with multiple different people. Pulling out her phone, Y/N texted Garcia requesting details on Landon’s family. Not more than two minutes later, she got a reply.

From the information Garcia found, it seemed Landon had a good family. No problems concerning abuse, abandonment, gambling, nothing. But the description of the family didn’t coincide with two pictures. Landon and his family were all brunette. But he had two pictures on the mantle of him and a young blonde woman; who looked eerily like the victims.

“What does me fixing a few brakes and taillights have to do with the FBI?”

Y/N looked up at Landon at the sound of his agitated question.

Spencer went to answer his question, but before he could, Y/N interrupted the young genius.

“How long have you and your girlfriend been together? You’re a very cute couple.”

Landon looked in the direction that Y/N was pointing. His body became tense for a short moment; his hands clenching in fists. Spencer noticed the change in his demeanour.

“She’s not my girlfriend. We’re just best friends.”

Y/N nodded her head.

“What’s her name?”

Landon licked his lips as his nerves spiked.

“Celeste.”

“Well, I think you and Celeste would make a cute couple. You should ask her out?”

Y/N walked to stand slightly closer to Landon to gage his reaction.

Landon continued to tense up as Y/N carried on talking and walking closer.

“Or is she already taken? Because she looks an awful lot like three women who have been murdered in the following months. All whom were customers of yours.”

Spencer went to step forward.

“Y/N-“

“Does she not call you back anymore Landon? Cancels your plans? Or doesn’t even bother to make them herself?”

“Shut up.”

Y/N took another step closer.

“Is it because she doesn’t love you back?”

Before another step could be taken, Landon suddenly pulled a gun out from the cushion of his sofa, pointing it towards Y/N.

Spencer quickly drew his gun, aiming it at Landon. He could tell by the look on Y/N’s face that she knew he had a gun the whole time.

“Landon put the gun down.”

Through his earpiece, her heard Hotch’s voice.

“Reid, we’re on our way. Y/N’s mobile is called through to Garcia. We can hear everything, so stay calm.”

Spencer kept his focus on Landon in front of him.

“Landon put the gun down and we can talk, okay? She didn’t mean what she said.”

“Yes, she did!”

Y/N flinched at the sudden raised voice from the unsub. She knew the risk when she began to ask him questions. But there had been lives lost, and she did not want to walk away from this suspect, and another life be taken. She would risk herself always. Spencer knew this and he hated that she would always risk herself to save everyone else.

Spencer glanced at Y/N as he saw her flinch. Looking back at Landon, he saw the boys hand shaking. Keeping his own arm locked and in position, Spencer tried to defuse the situation.

“I know how it feel. To be love someone for so long and so deeply that it rips you apart to know they don’t feel the same way back.”

Landon looked away from Y/N and towards Spencer; tears of frustration falling down his face.

“But just because they don’t love you back the same way doesn’t mean they don’t care.”

Y/N couldn’t tear her eyes away from Spencer as he spoke.

Landon shook his head, the gun shaking in his grasp, as he repositions it in his sweaty grip.

“She was the best thing about this place. Everyone said we were meant to be together. Everyone! But she left with him. Moved to a whole different fucking state after knowing him for 2 months. We’ve known each other for 14 years. I’ve loved her for 14 years and she left me for someone she’s known for 2 months!”

Reid licked his lips, preparing himself for what he was about to say. He knew this could change things between him and Y/N, but he couldn’t risk the thought of her getting hurt. Or even worse, dying.

“I was 25 when I met her. I’ve been in love with her for over ten years. Watching her with other men, listening to her date stories, being there to help mend her broken heart, and so much more. We’ve been side by side nearly every day. Spending holidays together and birthdays, even when we didn’t need to. I thought for a while she liked me back. But I couldn’t put her through all the issues and problems that I come with.”

Y/N looked at Spencer in disbelief.

“I knew I loved her approximately four months after I had known her. I accepted she didn’t love me back after two years of hoping that she did.”

Spencer to a cautious step towards Landon; watching as the boy’s grip on the gun loosened as he recognised himself in Spencer’s story.

“But I would rather have her in my life every day, in any other way, than to not have her there at all. Because I would miss having someone to watch Doctor Who with when we both can’t sleep. I would miss the lunch trips to the food trucks when work was quiet. I would miss the good morning texts and goodnight messages. I would miss so much that I get in a friendship, that I wouldn’t in strangers of unreciprocated feelings.”

Spencer took another step forward.

“You choose, Landon. But, if you drop your weapon, and let us take you in, Celeste will still see you as her best friend; who she loves dearly.”

Landon looked at Spencer with tears streaming down his cheeks; his lower lip wobbling. Slowly, he lowered his gun, letting Spencer take it from his hands.

Passing the gun behind him, Spencer focused on cuffing Landon as Y/N quietly stepped forward and grabbed the gun.

Just as he clicked the cuffs shut, the rest of the team walked through the door.

Hotch and Luke moved to take Landon from Spencer, as JJ and Tara moved to consult Y/N. Checking her over for any injuries, the women asked if she was okay. Y/N reassured the pair, but she could not waver her stare from Spencer as he watched Landon be escorted out and into the police vehicle.

Sensing the looming conversation, the team all walked outside, leaving Y/N and Spencer in the house alone.

Silence befell upon them.

Y/N walked towards Spencer, placing a hand on his shoulder as she spoke.

“Spencer I”

Spencer swivelled around in her grip.

Before Y/N could say anymore, Spencer pulled Y/N into a tight embrace. Quickly interlocking her arms around his neck, the pair basked in each other’s presence. Spencer was the first to pull apart.

“Never put yourself in a situation like that again. You realised he had a weapon and still antagonised him. What would you have done if he had fired? What do you think I would…”

Before Spencer could finish berating Y/N, she grabbed his face between her hands and pulled his lips against her own. Moving her hands to tangle into his hair, Y/N pushed her body flush against Spencer, gasping as his hands instantly moved to grip her hips. Pulling her impossibly closer, Spencer’s mouth moved against Y/N’s feverishly.

The pair slowly pulled apart as they both filled their lungs back with air. Spencer couldn’t help but blush under Y/N’s gaze.

Y/N giggled at the rising pink in his cheeks. Placing a quick peck on his lips, Y/N looked Spencer in the eyes.

“I love you Spence. I have for a really long time. That’s why those other guys never worked out because I was trying to get over you, and I couldn’t.”

Spencer couldn’t help but lean forward and kiss her again.

Once again pulling apart, Spencer rested his head against her own, and allowed for the smile to take over his face.

“I love you too. But please stop putting your life in danger.”

Y/N leaned back and laughed at Spencer’s words.

Glancing out the window, she could see the team almost ready to leave. Y/N pulled herself from Spencer’s embrace.

“Unfortunately, with the job we have, that’s one promise I can’t make.”

Spencer rolled his eyes with a smirk.

Y/N placed her hand in Spencer’s, interlocking the digits.

“Come on, Dr Reid. We got a case to officially close.”

The pair walked out the house hand in hand, as they walked towards their team. Giving Spencer’s hand a squeeze, she let his hand go and she continued to speak to Hotch and Luke, about the details of what occurred.

Spencer stood by her side, listening to her words and interjected when needed. While it wasn’t the exact outcome they expected the case to end with, it sure could not have ended any better.

A/N- I hope you enjoy. I have a few ideas that I’m going to write. One in particular is going to be a more personal one so stay tuned.

Taglist- @danielleslegacy​

[xjoonchildx]

guarded | jhs x reader | chapter one: fan mail

summary: you’ve tried to separate yourself from your infamous crime family, but a new case has your carefully-constructed world crashing down around you.  now you have to figure out how to heal old wounds and handle the new man who enters your orbit.

pairing: hoseok x reader

genre: mafia AU, E2L, slow burn, tsundere, eventual smut

rating: 18+

word count: 2.8K

Chapter 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | EPILOGUE

***************************

You stare at the words for a moment before folding the paper in half and slipping it back into the envelope you pulled it from.  

Honestly?  

It��s not the first time you’ve gotten a threat. It happens from time to time in this line of work.

But this note plucks a chord of anxiety inside of you. Must be the eleven missed calls you suspect go hand-in-hand with your little love letter. Your phone hasn’t stopped buzzing for a half-hour now.

“Are you okay?”

Hyejin’s voice filters through your thoughts. She’s taken stock of the strange look that crosses your face in the split-second before you school your features back into a mask of calm.

She’s observant like that.

“Oh yeah, it’s nothing,” you say, shaking your head.  “Just some fan mail.”  

Your phone buzzes against the papers on your desk -- again -- and Hyejin raises an eyebrow.

Make that twelve.

“Tell you what,” she says, standing to stretch her legs. “I’m ready to go blind from reading these files and I could use an Americano.  You want one?”

“Actually yes,” you exhale.  “That’s exactly what I need. You’re a lifesaver.”

She gives you one last are you sure you don’t need to tell me anything? look before opening the door to your office.  You reassure her with a soft smile but the second the door to your office closes, you blow out one long, heavy breath and reach for your phone.

you: what the hell? [ 3:15 PM ]

namjoon: this can’t wait [ 3:15 PM ]

you: clearly [ 3:16 PM ]

namjoon: come in ASAP [ 3:16 PM ]

You groan.

Namjoon knows you avoid that place at all costs.

It’s not a good look for you to be seen there -- and so as a rule -- you’re not.  Your brother is usually understanding about your stance on the matter. But it’s not like him to push so there’s probably a damned good reason why he’s summoning you to his office like some wayward employee.

You glance back at the stack of files on your desk, riddled with notes and highlights.  Even after a morning spent tag-teaming with Hyejin, there’s still a shitload of work to be done. But then you look back at that envelope sitting on your desk and pick up your phone again.

you: give me thirty minutes [ 3:19 PM ]

namjoon: okay [ 3:19 PM ]

Paperwork is going to have to wait.

*****************************

You’re not a moron.  

You know what people say about your family, what they say about you.

You know what they whisper when you show up to charity galas and fundraising dinners. You know what they murmur the second their false smiles fall and you turn your back. They say that the money that paid for your prep schools and top-notch legal education is blood money; paid for by one of Seoul’s oldest and most powerful crime networks.  They say that you took a job prosecuting crime to assuage for your family’s sins.

They’re not wrong.

Your father -- your cruel, unsophisticated father -- shelled out top dollar to put you in fancy schools and fancy clothes and fancy riding lessons.  He threw elaborate birthday parties where he showered you with extravagant gifts in front of guests who were only there to celebrate because they feared turning down the invitation.

So others saw your material good fortune and mistook you for a pampered mafia princess. None of them had to come home every day to the stench of death and destruction. None of them had to endure the gossip and the looks and the cold shoulders.

That was a burden you shared with only one other person.

You and Namjoon huddled together during your lavish and turbulent childhood, leaning on one another for strength because no one else understood. He was the only safe harbor you had in the storm you both lived every day.

And then you left.

You walked away from your father and the Gajog and crossed the country to study law.  Far from the vicious gossip and prying eyes and violent drama that always awaited you in Seoul.  You walked away and decided that you weren’t going to live that life anymore.  

But you also walked away from Namjoon.

Now it’s a cold comfort, seeing your brother seated so naturally at the throne of power your father vacated when he died.  The old-school brute-force organization your father ran for decades is a thing of the past.  In its place, a well-oiled, highly-organized machine -- making far more money and far fewer mistakes.  

Namjoon single-handedly pulled the crime syndicate into a new era, dusted it off and dressed it up.  He legitimized parts of the business, took up residence in one of the city’s most expensive buildings, and basically dared law enforcement to come get him.

They still haven’t.

And there isn’t a day that Namjoon doesn’t cross your mind.  

There isn’t a day that you don’t pray that the menace that existed inside your father never takes root inside of your brother.  You pray that he can shoulder the burden of his responsibilities without rotting from the inside out.  

If anyone can, you tell yourself, it’s him.

**********************

Namjoon cuts an imposing figure behind his grandiose wooden desk.

He’s seated when his assistant first opens the door to his secure private office, but as soon as you follow her inside he makes to stand.

He looks so tall now, you think -- as though it’s been years since you’ve seen him.  

In reality, it’s only been a few months since your last brief encounter, but it’s still hard sometimes to recognize the handsome, polished man in front of you as the kid you grew up with. You’re hit with a pang of regret that it’s been so long since you’ve seen one another face-to-face.

Two men stand guard on either side of Namjoon’s desk, which doesn’t surprise you. Your brother is always surrounded by guards these days.  

The only one you recognize is Min Yoongi, who gives a slight bow in your direction as you cross the broad expanse of the office.  You’re certain you’ve never seen the second man, who stands eerily still on your brother’s other side.  You can feel the stranger’s stare from a distance and avert your eyes.

You bow to Namjoon and take a seat in the plush chair facing his desk.  A fond look passes over his features but when he opens his mouth to speak his tone is businesslike, serious.

“I know you don’t like coming in here,” he begins carefully, “and so I have to apologize for asking you to make an exception.  I hope you understand this can’t be helped.”

“Yes, of course,” you say softly. “Sorry it took me a while.  I’m buried with a new case.”

Namjoon nods.

“That case is the reason why we’ve run into a bit of trouble in the past few days,” he admits. “Some of our friends across town are pretty upset about it.  Apparently very agitated and hoping to leverage the fact that you’ve been assigned to this case to their advantage.”

“I see,” you murmur.

You knew the men you’d been assigned to build a weapons trafficking case against were part of a rival organization -- but on paper they were low-level foot soldiers, considered expendable in a business like theirs.  Why the Ssijog were so worried about losing a couple of nobodies from their ranks was a bit puzzling.

“I guess that explains this,” you say, reaching into your bag for the letter delivered to your office.  

You hand it to Namjoon and he reads the words with a tight expression before turning it over to the man you don’t recognize.  It’s a relief when the stranger’s focus moves away from you and onto that paper. You take the opportunity to get a closer look at him.

The first word that comes to mind is sharp.

Everything about the man is sharp -- from his meticulously tailored suit to his severe jawline to the angles of his body.  Intense dark eyes set in honey gold skin and black hair carefully styled off of his face. You’re caught staring when his eyes snap up from the paper and back to you.

You clear your throat, gaze darting back to your brother.

“They want you to make this go away.”

You sigh.

“I can’t do that. I don’t have that kind of authority. And besides, it would attract all the wrong kinds of attention to me and -- “ you pause, choose your next words carefully, “ -- to my ties to this organization.”

Namjoon concedes your point with a slow bob of his head.

“Right.  So we have a problem,” he admits.  “Because the message we’re getting is that they’re willing to do whatever it takes to get what they want.  And it’s been made quite clear to me that hurting you is not off the table.”

You take in a deep breath.

“This is Jung Hoseok,” Namjoon says after a short silence, motioning to the stranger at his side. You straighten when the man acknowledges you with a barely-there bow.  

“I’ve assigned him to your detail.”

“Detail,” you repeat slowly.  “Like a bodyguard.”

“Exactly like that.”

“Namjoon, I -- “ you look away from the man to turn your attention back to your brother,  “-- I can’t have one of your guys following me around.  People are going to talk.”

“Amsaja,” he sighs, “They talk anyway.”

You bristle at his use of your childhood nickname.  

You know it’s meant as an endearment but it still feels infantilizing in front of his men -- one of whom hasn’t seen you in years, one of whom knows nothing about you at all.  You’re a grown woman, a successful prosecutor, and more than just Kim Namjoon’s little sister.

“Joon -- “

There is annoyance behind the way you fire off his name and one of your brother’s eyebrows lifts in warning.  A silent reminder that in this room, in this building, in this realm, he is the absolute authority.  You swallow back the argument on the tip of your tongue.

“Namjoon,” you start again, this time with a restrained calm.  “Please. Let’s have this conversation in private.”

He drums his fingers across the surface of his wooden desk before nodding his agreement and raising a hand to motion his guards out the door.  You wait until both men are gone and the heavy door to Namjoon’s office clicks shut to speak again.

“You’re putting me in a terrible position here,” you exhale. “I’ve worked so hard to -- distance myself.  I can’t walk around with a reminder of my family history at my heels.”

Your brother stands from his seat and walks to an ornate sideboard, pours liquor from a heavy crystal decanter into a highball glass.  He takes a slow drink before speaking.

“You are worried about your image; I’m worried about your safety.  Those two concerns are not equal. Not to me.”

Your face heats at the kernel of truth in your brother’s assessment.  

Certainly, it’s about how it looks, but it’s so much more than that. It’s about the life you’ve worked so hard to build away from the drama surrounding your family name.  It’s about a future that depends on the burial of your past.

Namjoon leans against his heavy wooden desk, arms crossed.

“You should know me by now,” he continues.  “If I thought these were empty words, I wouldn’t have bothered you with them.”

“I know that,” you admit quietly.  Doesn’t make the pill any easier to swallow, though.

“Hoseok is under orders to stay with you at all times. Obviously, he won’t be physically at your side while you’re working, but he will be close by.  And he will be staying at your apartment for the time being.”

You blink.  “In my apartment?”

A flash of irritation crosses your brother’s face. “Yes, in your apartment.  I’m privy to information you don’t have.”  He takes a long drink from the highball glass.  “It’s necessary until we have this situation under control.”

“I don’t know this man,” you argue, and that eyebrow lifts again at the rising heat in your tone. “Can’t you give me Yoongi or Seokjin or someone else?”

“No.”

“Thanks for considering that, Joon.”

You don’t even bother to hide your displeasure now, climbing out of the plush chair and walking over to the massive window that makes up the back wall of your brother’s office. You look down at the street. From this height, the cars below look like toys and the people look like ants.  

Namjoon joins you in front of the window, drink in hand.

“I don’t want to fight with you, I want to protect you. Jung Hoseok has worked for me three years now and he spent many more years serving in the military.  He is the man I want for this assignment and I need you to trust me on that, too.”

You say nothing, staring out the window and feeling suddenly exhausted.  You hate everything about today -- the letter, the case, this arrangement you now have to endure.  You hate that this is the first real conversation you’ve had with your brother in months and you’re locking horns.  

“Okay,” you whisper after a while, reluctant to let the tension escalate. Your brother has asked so little of you since you severed ties with the Gajog -- and effectively, with him.  You swallow past the taste of guilt when you turn to look him in the eye.

“I’ll play ball, Jaegyueo.”

Your brother seems to soften when you use his childhood nickname in return, shoulders relaxing as he takes another sip from the highball and looks out over the city he basically runs.  

“Thank you, Amsaja.”

*************************

Hoseok

“Has she seen this?”

Hoseok stares down at the glossy photograph in his hands.  

There’s little to be gleaned from the details in the picture.  There are no shadows, no reflections, no personal items to give away any clues as to who took it or when.

You are asleep, one bare shoulder peeking out from underneath your plush bedding -- your hair spilling out onto your pillow. You appear blissfully unaware of the danger standing just a few feet away.

“Hell no,” Namjoon exhales.  “And I would like to keep it that way. She’d probably never sleep again if she saw that shit.”

Hoseok hands the photograph back.

“I need the two of you to figure out who got into her apartment.  And then I need you to bring him here.”

Namjoon doesn’t finish that train of thought -- he doesn’t have to.  Hoseok and Yoongi hear clearly everything he hasn’t said.  

“We’ll find him,” Yoongi vows, and Hoseok nods his agreement.  “It’s gonna be handled.”

Namjoon scrubs a hand down his jaw, eyes still glued to the picture on his desk.

He’s an uncharacteristically even-tempered boss, particularly in this line of work.  Seeing him this unnerved is unnerving to Hoseok, who’s seen him handle countless shitty situations with an unnatural calm.

“She’s my sister,” Namjoon says quietly.  “I don’t expect any of you to understand our dynamic, but I need you to know that her safety is my top priority.”

“Understood,” Hoseok murmurs and in that moment, the heavy door to the office opens wide. Namjoon shoves the photograph into his desk drawer.  

Hoseok studies you as you trail Namjoon’s assistant across the length of this massive office.

The first word that comes to mind is small.

You’re much smaller than Hoseok imagined you’d be, basing that assumption almost entirely on Namjoon’s tall and solid frame.  Physically, you are nearly the opposite of your brother, delicate features set in smooth skin, any appearance of height owed directly to the high-heeled shoes you’ve carefully matched to your business suit.  

Hoseok notes that you have the same stubborn set to your jaw, though -- a defense mechanism that slips momentarily when you lock eyes with your brother.  He catches the brief flash of sadness in your face before you manage it away.

In the years he’s been with the Gajog, he’s only heard your name a handful of times --  almost always followed by hushed exchanges and pained expressions.  Never once has anyone breathed your name in front of Namjoon, though.  That appears to be an invisible line everyone understands not to cross.

But now you’re here, in the flesh. One piece of the puzzle revealed.

Hoseok watches your exchange with Namjoon with curiosity. It’s not the easy back-and-forth one would expect to see between a pair of siblings -- but there is an underlying affection between the two of you. A quiet respect.

Amsaja, Namjoon had called you.  Lioness.

Hoseok doesn’t see a lioness when he looks at you, though.  

He sees a rich girl desperate to prove how much better she is than her own flesh and blood.  He sees a social climber so eager to make a name for herself in this city that she walked away from her own brother to make it happen.  

This is the moment that Hoseok decides that you’re not the kind of person he could ever respect.

Because unlike you, he would never put ambition above loyalty.

Never.

**********************

tag list:

@yoongbug @brilliantlybasicb @lemonjoonah @illnevertrustmyselfagain​@sunkissed75 @taetaewonderland @shadowhale​

[johnkrrasinski]

i dreamt of you all sumer long;

full masterlist

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x female!reader

Word count: 2,607

Warning: angst with a happy ending :)

Summary: based on the song ‘betty’ by taylor swift except bucky ain’t no cheater.

a/n: i dedicate this one to all my fellow swifties. betty was an instant favourite as soon as i first heard it when folklore came out. it has been begging for me to write a fanfic inspired by it and now it’s finally out and i’m really happy about it. hope you like it. please leave a comment & like :) 

He stood on the doorstep of your house, with a bouquet of pink roses in his hands and a hood over his head. A little tipsy and full of sorry. “You can always turn around," the voice in his head whispered just a few minutes ago when he stopped at a streetlight illuminating his path to the street he had passed a million times before.

But now that he was standing in your front porch light of this cozy little house he had grown to know as if it was his second home before the avalanche this summer was, the feeling was finally sinking in.

“Have you seen Bucky?”

“No, I thought he was with you.”

“Well, he was but then Steve asked me to dance and he just… disappeared.”

“Maybe he went to the bathroom?”

“Yeah, I’ll just try to call him again. Thanks, Nat.”

You searched for him in the halls and within the classrooms but there was no sign of him. You knew that Bucky hated the crowds and he always tried to avoid them. But Bucky knew how much this dance meant to you and how long you had been looking forward to this night. You put on your best dress and makeup for him tonight and you wanted to sway to your favourite song with him. He promised that he would try to make this night an incredible one for you. He seemed to have forgotten that promise because he wasn’t even answering your calls or texts to let you know where he was hiding.

You went to the boys’ locker room and what you saw was a bullet right in the centre of your heart. Bucky had his lips on a classmate of yours’ with his back pressed against the locker.

“Bucky…?”

He drew this moment out in his head after weeks of yearning for the way your lips tasted when you used to kiss in his car and downtown bars. And the pattern of your braids that adorned the view of you under the sunset, and the star-shaped traces of his fingers around your scars.

The only thing he wanted to do was make it up to you.

Bucky was a deer caught in headlights when he heard your meek voice calling out his name. He was too stunned by the act she had just caught him off guard with. He was on his way to somewhere less congested to calm himself down because the crowds always evoked the anxiety in him and Steve had asked her to dance when her favourite song was playing from the far side of the gym when he heard the sound of cries from the locker room. He couldn’t help but approach the sound, he really should’ve kept walking instead of interfering. He saw her sitting on the bench in her dress with a tissue in her hand and sobbed.

“Hey, you okay?”

“James… What are you doing here?” She looked up with her swollen eyes.

“I was on my way to the library but I heard someone was crying so I had to check it out.” He scratched the back of his head. “Maybe I should’ve given you some space instead…”

“No, it’s okay. Thank you, James.” She smiled. “Wanna sit?”

“…Yeah, sure.” He doubtfully accepted the offer. “What happened?”

“Kevin broke up with me over the phone while I was on my way to the dance and he came with Cecilia.”

“Jeez, what a dickhead.”

“Yeah, I knew he and Cecil had been fooling around behind my back for months but he always told me that I was being crazy and that I have to trust him more, and I always believed him until tonight he showed me what a jackass he actually is.”

“Hey, he doesn’t deserve you. You should be with someone who loves you and treats you better.” Bucky was never one to give good advice or comfort to his friends but his mama raised him to be a gentleman and to treat a girl like a queen. She always reminded him that if he ever broke a girl’s heart, she would beat his ass.

She smiled, “thanks, James. You’re really sweet.”

He nodded, “well, I should go. Y/N might be looking for me.”

“…Right, you are with Y/N.” For a moment there, she forgot that he and you were the school’s favourite couple.  

“Yeah, so, you’ll be okay?”

“Yeah, don’t worry about me.”

He got up and started walking toward the exit when he heard her call his name. “James…”

He turned around to see her on her feet already when she threw herself into him and startled him by pressing her lips onto his and pushed him onto the locker as it rattled with the pressure of his body against it. He was too dumbfounded to get her off of him when he heard your voice, “Bucky…?”

He could hear the music emanating from within the house as another of his classmate passed by, bumping his shoulder to get through the entrance. Another one of your stupid friends, he used to say, and you used to chide at him for that. But now he felt like he was the biggest idiot. "You got this, don't be a fucking coward." He braced himself.

So he showed up uninvited and his eyes scanned every corner of the room, seeking for that one face that haunted his dreams all summer long. Will you have me? will you love me? Will you kiss me? The lingering questions loomed over his head like a heavy cloud. What if you told him to go fuck myself instead? If you kissed me, will it patch you broken wings? He was only seventeen, he didn’t know anything but he knew that he missed you.

You greeted each one of your friends who came to your birthday party. You were grateful for another year and your friends whom you consider your second family. You were the type of person who was friends with everyone even though you only considered Natasha as and Wanda as your best friends, your most trusted confidants, they were the ones who stitched you back together after you caught Bucky cheating… Or at least that’s what you thought.  

So you invented the whole school to your party and almost everyone came. The jocks, the popular girls, the nerds, even some of your seniors were there too. Your house was packed with high school kids dancing, drinking and laughing… But there was something missing.

He should’ve been there with you. He should’ve been the one standing right beside you when your schoolmates were singing happy birthday to you. He should’ve been there to kiss you and hold you after the party was over and everyone had gone home. But he wasn’t. Because you thought you knew someone and you thought someone loved you but sometimes you’re just enough for them and they would go looking for excitement in somewhere else.

“Y/N! Wait a minute, would you listen to me?!”

“I’ve heard enough. Most importantly… I’ve seen enough.”

“No, you don’t understand, she kissed me! She was crying and, and, I was trying to comfort her and we talked and the next thing I knew she kissed me!” He frantically explained through his ragged breaths.

“But did you stop her?”

He was silent. What the hell was he supposed to say? He couldn’t stop her because he didn’t have it in him to reject a vulnerable woman? That’s how his mama raised him right? To treat every girl with respect and to take care of a girl especially when she’s emotional. Why is being seventeen so confusing?

“I was… I was trying to but-”

“I’ve heard enough of your bullshit, James.” Oh no, you called his first name. Oh man, he had truly fucked up.

“I- I would never cheat on you, y/n! You really think I could do such a thing to you?”

“Not anymore.” You glared at him with all conviction in your heart and your classmates gathered around to watch the quarrel as your heart was bisecting.

“Well, I guess then this is it.” He didn’t mean it. He wished he had fought a little harder for you. To make you stay and hearken. But he gave up too easily. He has always been a lover than a fighter after all, but how he wished he had turned himself into the other one at that moment.  

You chatted with Natasha and Wanda in your living room and you giggled at another witty joke Natasha had just said. Natasha and Wanda always had a way of making you giggle even when your mood was contrasting the expressions on your face. The conversation faded into the background as your mind drifted to Bucky’s face. And that’s when you saw him…

Bucky’s breath hitched when he saw you for the first time after all these weeks. He swore he had prepared every word he was going to say to you and how he was going to act when- if You agreed to talk to him. But it was always easier said than done.

He couldn’t decipher the look on your face when your eyes met. Was it longing? Was it contempt? Was it disbelief? You were always difficult to read. God, he wished he was a mind reader sometimes.

Kids started murmuring things from one another because the entire school loved you and Bucky and everyone started talking when you two ended things and that he was caught ‘cheating.’ And now everyone’s jaws dropped when they thought you and Bucky were truly over and that he was the last person that would be invited to your party.

Bucky stopped in his tracks and if the earth could open up and swallow him so he wouldn’t have to deal with his annoying schoolmates and your fury, that wouldn’t be the worst scenario right now. But he was here and he might’ve had been a fool and a recreant once but he was going to fix it now. He can’t keep running away when things get the slightest bit inconvenient.

So he dragged his feet towards you with the bouquet of flowers still in his hands and once he was close enough to you, he sheepishly spoke, “hi.”

“You’ve got some balls to show up here.” You gritted through your teeth.

He gulped, “I wanted to talk… And to wish you, happy birthday.” He handed you the flowers and also a piece of his heart, hoping that you would take him back.

You accepted it. They were lovely but could a bouquet of flowers really mend the wounds he had inflicted? “What do you want, Bucky?”

“Just a few minutes to explain… everything. After this, if you never wanna see me or talk to me ever again, I’ll leave you alone.”

Was it really what you wanted? Curse your heart for always knowing better. But your stubborn head always had its hands on the wheel, so, forever can spare a minute… right? “Okay, let’s talk in the garden.”

Your garden, the place where you and Bucky used to make out when your parents weren’t home and laid under the broad daylight. Was it wise to lead him here? You shushed the whispers of your heart. Memories came swirling through like a hurricane, banging on your door, begging for you to open up and let him back in.

“Go ahead.”

“Okay, I’m just gonna make this quick but um…” He cleared his throat and scratched the back of his head. Something he always did when he was nervous or didn’t know what to say. He looked down and spoke, “y/n, I am so sorry for what I did to you at the dance. I know I should’ve- God I should’ve stopped her and should’ve stayed with you. I should’ve kept my promise to try harder for you but I didn’t. And I know I’m a fucking idiot but… I’ve missed you. So badly. And I wish I could turn back the time and fixed it but all I can do now is apologize.” Your tears were threatening to fall at the sincerity of his words. You never wanted this. You wished Bucky had known better but to love is to lose your mind and you were at fault for this mess too.

“I understand if you don’t wanna see me around or deal with me again, I came here knowing you’d never take me back because you told me once that cheating was your dealbreaker and what I did was just as shitty but, if this is the last time you’ll ever talk to me, I had to get it out of my chest. That’s all.” He sighed, the gloom in his heart wasn’t withering away but at least the weight in his heard was lighter now that he had come clean.  “I’m gonna go now, you should go back to your friends, they are waiting.” He inched his face closer to you to kiss you on the cheek and you were too mesmerized by the blue in his eyes to shun away.

“Goodbye, y/n. And once again, happy birthday.” He turned around to leave, going for the exit door of your garden so he didn’t have to walk past through the crowds and deal with prying questions about their… whatever they are now or what truly happened at the dance. He had made peace with you and that’s all that mattered to him.

He was a few steps away from her when he heard her voice calling his name, “Bucky, wait…”

He stopped and turned to your direction only to catch you narrowing the gap and jumped on him. He was quick to catch her as they used to after a few days of not seeing each other and they both had missed each other terribly. She pressed her lips on top of his and circled her arms around his neck to hold onto him. Because who was she kidding? She had missed him so badly too. She dreamt of him calling her to apologize or to show up at her party but never once did she admit it. And now, her heart was back in her arms and she didn’t want to let him go ever again.

Their kiss with filled of longing as their lips moved like a perfect symphony. One of his hands moved to her face to hold her even closer because everything he desired was coming true and he was desperate to make it stay a reality. Your hands grabbed his hair as your tongues tangled, dancing in sync. You pulled away when the need for air was overwhelming, “I forgive you.” You smiled as your foreheads were pressed together.

He too smiled at that, “does this mean you will take me back?”

You nodded, “it does.” Bucky grinned wider, the bliss in his face was palpable. Oh, how good it felt to see him smile again. Bucky could say the same.

He kissed you once more with his hand cupping your cheek and when he pulled away, he gazed into your beautiful eyes and confessed, “I love you. So much. I never stopped loving you.”

“I love you too.” You meant it with every bit of your heart.

He put you on the ground and you were still intertwined with each other, too in love and too elated to pay attention to the curious peeks and snooping ears. “Let’s go back inside, yeah? It’s cold here. And you should be there with me.”

“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be anyway.”

[barbecuebabybackribs]

Truly Damned (Male Angel-Demon Hybrid Reader x Jasper Hale)

Dating Jasper Hale was many things, the first thing that comes to mind is heavenly- although incredibly ironic- but one of the other thing I would say it was is difficult.

He’s a man who never has to ask what someones feeling, he just knows. So obviously when I walked in- not only his mate but the one person in his long life he’d ever met whom he couldn’t read? His interest was peaked to say the least.

Question after question, trying to find out why exactly I was immune to all vampiric powers, not only that but my scent was something he’d never smelt before, so heavenly but so easy to resist. With most humans he struggled to not bite down on there neck every  second he’s around them but not me, and he wants to know why.

Although that precise question is why I’m avoiding him now, trying to slowly make him realize he deserves so much better then a damned creature like me. I go against almost every religious text I’ve ever read- if they even bother to mention my kind at all.

A being born from the forbidden relations of a demon and an angel- it complicated my life to say the least.

Fortunately I was adopted at the mere age of three by a lovely older couple by the names Roxanne Seever and Delilah Seever, they didn’t know who I was or what I was but they loved me for me and that was enough.

However it didn’t last long, good things around me always seems to perish and Roxy was one of them- it all happened so quickly I could’ve done something but I just sat in shock as a semi headed right for our car, squeezed my eyes shut not wanting to witness what was about to happen and right when I heard the sounds of metal against metal and glass shattering- I felt nothing.

I opened my eyes and I was yards away from a picture that still to this day haunt’s me, I couldn’t see much but what I could killed me. The sight of the woman I called mom obviously launched from the wreck of a car mere feet behind her, laying on the ground breathing heavily, and blood surrounding her.

I could’ve done something, but I didn’t.

The ambulances came and carted us away but we all could see in her pale skin she was gone, and when I looked over and saw her cold lifeless face staring back at me that’s when I knew, I was the very thing I had nightmares of since I was a little boy.

I was left unscathed by my miraculous escape- as others called it. I just called it transmutation. I learned a lot since that day when I was a mere 12 years old, while my mother grieved yet never seemed to recover I became obsessed with finding out what I was, who I was, why I was created. It was years until I found out, but when they came to me, in my dreams. It all made sense.

They explained everything to me, how they and a demon had fallen in love however it wasn’t meant to be and they were torn from each other, but not before they fell pregnant- only possible due to the fact they were inhabiting a female body when the act took place.

It all made sense, all my years of searching and I finally got confirmation, I was a demon. A forbidden creature not even god could love, so I did what I thought was best and pushed everyone as far away from me as possible, and although it killed me to see my mother desperately trying to connect with me even through some of her darkest moments, I was doing what I thought was best.

My powers were completely out of control, the longer I lived the more powers showed up and the stronger they grew, transmutation, telekinesis, pyrokenisis, to many to name, and with each power came more struggle to keep my secret hidden, it was almost impossible to keep all of this bottled inside me,

And It was all going to plan, live my life never getting close to another person so they wouldn’t get hurt- that was of course until the new kid’s came to school- The Cullens- and among them was Jasper Hale, the man I would fall head over heels in love with and would completely change my life.

I tried my hardest to push him away but he wasn’t having any of it. He slowly chipped away at the walls I had so desperately built around myself, for months I slowly let him in, it was on the third month I officially befriended him, the fifth month I was fighting off a serious crush, and the six month was one I will forever cherish, the month he asked me out and I accepted so quickly embarrassment ate away at me. The eighth month he told me what he was and for just a moment I thought maybe he could understand, that we’d be safe with each other, and although I never told him what I was- I still felt as if he understood every part of me.

But that was crushed when a few days after our six month anniversary he was attacked by a group of nomad vampires, apparently my unusual scent still lingered on his brought them there- I was the reason they attacked him and he got hurt- although only slightly in vampire standard it still could have been much worse, he could’ve been killed.

I will never forget the image of him flashing in front of my, pure fear in his eyes as both his cold hands clamped around my shoulders, his voice faltered slightly as he asked if I was okay and if anything had happened. His blue shirt torn on his arms, new scars appeared under them, I  tried to ignore is but my head spun as he told me the events that had just taken place and I knew, I knew I was wrong. I knew he wasn’t safe with me.

And that’s why I’m pushing him away now, and this time I won’t let him tear down my walls in fear of him getting hurt because of me again- or even worse ending up like my mother.

But of course he wasn’t going to make that easy for me. It’s hard to explain to the man you love why you avoiding him when you can’t just casually say “Oh it’s because I’m a demon-angel hybrid and I don’t want you to die because everything good around me seems to die, my mother, my dog, happiness, kindness, all that good stuff. So I’ve decided to essentially shun you from my life. Okay bye have a nice day.”

So when I moved seats in class, didn’t sit with him at lunch, didn’t drive to school with him and hang out with him after school, didn’t even respond to his texts, he was slightly pissed, but mainly extremely concerned. What had happened? Was it something he did? Were you threatened by someone? Had you simply fallen out of love with him? Was he just not good enough?

He had to confront me, I knew it was coming but that didn’t make it any less heart wrenching. My chest ached as he confront me on my walk home, on the most secluded part of the route, his eyes were filled with pain as he asked a simple question, “Why?”

My throat went dry and I wrapped my arms around myself, the only source of comfort in this moment, I looked him dead in the eye and shook slightly as my entire facade dropped away in an instant, overwhelming guilt and despair washing over me, a single word caused my eyes to burn and water, my breath faltering despite my best efforts to keep it steady.

His golden eyes flooded with concern as he took in my pathetic state, “I can’t tell you.” I choked out, sucking in a jagged breath to try and calm myself but it only broke the damn in my eyes and tears streamed down my face- much to my dismay. In this moment as I looked at his confused and hurt eyes I envied his ability to not cry, it would make convincing him I don’t want to be with him much easier.

“Darling, what happened?” He said taking a step closer to me, “Why have you been so distant?”

I matched his step but backwards, wanting to keep distant because I couldn’t promise myself I wouldn’t fall into his arms if he got any closer.

“Nothing happened, Jasper. I just don’t think we are a good match.” I lied through my teeth, and I could see it on his face he knew it was a blatant lie.

“I don’t believe you, tell me what’s wrong Y/N. We can fix it, whatever it is we can work through it.” He promised, taking a quick step forward, this is so quick I couldn’t step away. I could only push him slightly by placing my hand on his chest, although he didn’t budge. He only held onto my hand while it was placed against his chest.

“Did I do something?” He asked, his brows furrowing as he stared at me, the pain in his eyes almost killed me and I couldn’t let him think he was the reason I didn’t want to be with him- he was the reason I wanted so badly to be with him, I was the reason I couldn’t.

“It’s nothing to do with you...” I mumbled trying to step back but his grip on my hand kept me in place, “Jasper please, let me go.” I said, referring to my hand although it had deeper meaning, I just needed him to let me go emotionally and physically.

“No, tell me what’s wrong,” He said cradling my hands gingerly although keeping a firm grip on them, “Whatever it is we can fix it-”

“No you can’t!” I shouted finally pulling my hands free, taking advantage of the fact that me raising my voice caused him to falter. I took a few steps back before running my now sweaty hands through my hair, I can’t do this... I can’t tell him.

“Please, Y/N. Whatever I did, I’ll make it better.” He practically begged, his usually steady voice quivering, irritation filled me and I finally burst, after all these years, my true self was finally revealed.

“No, Jasper! No you can’t, you can’t fix me! You’re not the problem I am, everything about me is damned- I’m quite literally a demon, I’m a monster in so many ways you will never understand, I can not be fixed like you said, you can’t fix this problem, I can never be fixed! Everything I love gets taken from me, my mothers, my friends, even my damn dog, I thought maybe you’d be safe, maybe you wouldn’t be affected by this damned curse, but no! You’ll just end up like everyone else!” I talked so fast my mind couldn’t keep up, I barely realize the burning sensation on my skin and the feeling of the wind hitting against my body but not in a sense I had ever felt before.

Looking over my shoulder I flinched at what I saw- there is not other way to say it other then the fact that I had sprouted wings, large and dark gray, filling the space behind me with large fuzzy feathers somewhat resembling a hawks feathers- but not only that small fires had lit themselves around my very being, causing the heat I had barely noticed before, this is it. He know’s I’m a monster, it only a matter of second before he leaves-

I was cut off by oh-so-familiar arms wrapping around me, pulling me into a tight hug, burying his face into my neck, I was so taken aback I could do nothing but stand almost limply in his arms, overwhelmed by a emotion I could not place but shocks of energy to each one of my nerves, but it sent a choked sob out of my throat and turned my stomach.

“It’s going to be okay, Y/N, Everything is going be alright.” his arms continued to embrace me, one of his hand resting on the back of my head and gently stroking my hair, although he was unable to soothe me via his powers, those simple words soothed me beyond imagine.

Finally letting a deep breath out the unimaginable weight I hadn’t realized was on my shoulders, I let myself fall into his arm, clutching at his freezing body like it was my only life line to this earth. Broken sobs leaving my lips as he supported my weight.

Once I had calmed down he finally let go of me, wiping the few stray tears from my cheek then ruffling my hair, without saying a single word he took my hand and started leading me away from where we had been, I looked over my shoulder- wings having dissipated at some point during the hug- and saw gray feathers blowing in the wind, scorch marks littering the ground around me.

“Jasper,” I said looking back over to him, “Where are we going?” I asked, He simply glanced at me, offering me a slight smile before stating simply “To the woods.”

“Jazzy that sounds like you’re going to kill me.” I mumbled but still followed him, knowing that was obviously not his intent.

Here only laughed at my statement, shaking his head slightly, if I could see his face I knew there would be a cheeky grin on his face and his gold locks would be perfectly framing his face- the thought made me want to make him look at me right now, however I continued to let him lead me deeper and deeper into the woods, before he let go of my hand- sighing in content.

“This will do.” He stated turning to me, leaning against a tree with his arms crossed.

“Will do for what exactly?” I questioned, he only smiled at me with that aggravatingly beautiful smile that just made me want to squeal like some twelve year old girl.

“For you to do some explaining.”

And with that he somehow convinced me to sit down and tell him all about my big secret- I had never even told him I witnessed my mother die in fear it would bring up to many questions, but now all my cards were out on the table and I spilled my soul to him. I told him about watching the life drain from my mothers body, how I spent months and years searching for answers, how my true “Mother” Visits me in my dream and explained everything, I told his I was technically a demon-angel hybrid, I told him how I pushed everyone away in fear my powers would become out of control as they so often did and cause someone to get hurt.

In the end it was nearly dark out, I had showed Jasper a small snippet of my power that I had showed him before, illuminating us with a small flame within my palm, he took my hand and pulled it closer,

“Hey, watch out Jasper it’s hot.” I said pulling away slightly so he wouldn’t hurt himself, although I quickly remembered he couldn’t feel the fire and it would simply wash over him, realizing my mistake I offered my hand again, a slight blush on my cheeks.

He remained motionless for a moment, before a grin spread across his face and he took my hand again, the hand that wasn’t gingerly caressing my hand floated above the flame, quickly dipping his fingers into the flame causing it to dance around him before pulling his hand away.

“Fascinating.” He almost gawked, looking me in my eyes, his eyes held a glint of fascination and an emotion I couldn’t place.

“What are you thinking about?” I quizzed, he let out a slight hum, letting go of my hand and standing from our position on the ground.

“You said you didn’t have full control of these powers?” He asked, however it sounded more like a statement.

“Yes..” I answered hesitantly.

“Well then,” He said before taking my hand and pulling me up so I was standing in front of him, “We’ve got a lot of work to do.”

(I hope this was okay, I’m still suffering a tad from sick brain but I think it’s decent. @shamelessloverhairdopainter​ If this isn’t to your liking feel free to contact me and i’ll tweak it to your liking :) have a wonderful evening and stay safe everyone)

[accioxreparo]

the Talk | g.w.

part one // baby fever | part two // the Talk

synopsis: You and George did everything young. It was only fitting that you two talk about having kids when you did.

pairing: George Weasley x reader

warnings: brief mentions of the war, a touch of angst but mostly fluff

a/n: wow this is ended up being so much longer than originally planned. I really wanted to get in more backstory though so here we are. Let me know what you guys think about the format cause...I kinda like this little hybrid thing?

~~~~~~

You and George did everything young.

 You had just turned 13 years old when the two of you went on your first date.

It was the summer before your third year and the two of you snuck out one night to go to a festival happening in a neighboring muggle town. You still have the moon shaped necklace George had bought you that day. He still has the sun shaped one you bought him. The gifts weren’t planned but it was the first time you saw how truly perfect the two of you were together. 

You had your first kiss a few weeks later the day you returned to Hogwarts. It was in one of the courtyards and there was nobody else around. Now the details of it were a little fuzzy but you could still remember the awkwardness of it all. 

 The first time you talked about getting married was at 16. 

It was more playful than anything else. You’d both drunk just a bit too much firewhiskey during the post-Yule Ball party thrown in one of the abandoned rooms. You’d toppled over together on one of the couches in the common room and you found yourself giggling when you saw how George was staring at you. “What are you thinking about?”

He had pulled you on top of him, resting his hands on your hips as he peppered kisses all over your face. Finally he pressed a soft kiss on your lips and gave you a dopey sort of grin. 

“About how pretty you look. And about how one day we’re going to be dancing just like we did today but you’ll be wearing this huge, puffy white dress that you can’t stand but that you wore because my mum said you looked like a princess in it. And I’ll be wearing my fanciest dress robes or maybe a normal suit. Either way it won’t matter because I won’t look anywhere near as good as you will.” 

You had smiled and kissed him again, a little longer this time. When you pulled away your forehead rested on his and you both had to resist the urge to just forget the conversation and continue the kiss. “That’s a wedding you’re talking about, Georgie.”

“I know,” He had said it with complete ease. “We’re going to have one of those for us one day.” 

It was only a few months later, now at the age of 17, when George decided he was going to ask you to marry him for real. 

Ever since the end of the Triwizard tournament he’d been filled with this nauseating feeling that nothing, absolutely nothing at all, was guaranteed.

The events of that day were stuck in his mind. He could remember the feeling of you shaking in his arms as you cried upon finding out Cedric had died. He could remember being confused at your reaction until you told him the two of you had been friends once but you couldn’t remember the last time you had a real conversation with him

It was with a completely clear mind that he got out of bed at precisely 6:21 AM and wandered through the house until he found his mother sitting at the kitchen table reading the newest edition of the Daily Prophet.

“Can I talk to you?” George had asked before she got the chance to say anything.

Molly had immediately grown concerned by the much too serious look on his face. Not to mention the fact that he’d never once asked a question like that. Nonetheless she still put down the paper, smiled softly, and put her full attention on him. “Absolutely, dear.”

“What if I,” George had avoided all eye contact, instead focusing on fiddling with the hem of his shirt, one he’d only just stolen back from you. The thought made him smile, giving him the courage he needed to finish asking his question. “What if I asked Y/N to marry me?”

That definitely hadn’t been what Molly was expecting him to say. She’d be lying if she said she didn’t see it coming though. For six years now she’d seen the way he was around you. For four years you’d been tied at the hip, bringing out the best in each other. This felt like just the right step. “Well you’re both of age now if that’s what you want to do.”

“But what do you think about it?” That was the part he was really nervous for. “I don’t want to wait any longer. After everything that happened this year I just want something I know is good and real. Something that,” His voice is softer then, more vulnerable. It surprises even himself. “Something that nobody else can take away from me.”

And Molly understands completely. She’s been there before, seen all of this happen once already. There’s not a single part of her that wants to argue because she trusts and believes in both him and you wholeheartedly. 

So she gently rests a hand on top of George’s, which are still pulling at his shirt, and he looks up to see her smiling at him. “I think it’s a wonderful idea.”

 He asked you that same night.

He actually didn’t even make it halfway through breakfast before telling Fred, Ron, and Ginny, all of whom were completely ecstatic. They loved you after all.

The four of them had been bouncing ideas off each other all day long while Molly had disappeared into the attic to dig through a bunch of boxes, not telling any of them what she was looking for.

They’ve got no less than five different speeches and approaches planned by the time Arthur gets home from work. Nobody can get the news out fast enough and though he’s a little surprised, he expresses his own joy at the news. He helps them brainstorm and soon they have a sixth plan thought out.

“When are you gonna do it then?” Ginny is the one who asked excitedly. “Don’t know. Soon I guess,” George glances at the time and stands up. “Actually supposed to meet her at some place in London in a few.”

He disappeared up the stairs to find where he left the address you’d given him and just as he’s found it Molly walks into the room.

She hands him the object she’d been searching for. A ring with a diamond in the middle and golden flowers laced all around the band. One she says has been passed down through the Prewett family for as long as anyone can remember.

He takes it with a soft thank you and a smile telling her it’s perfect as he pockets it, too afraid to leave it lying around.

When he gets to the address you gave him he’s a little surprised when he finds you sitting on the sidewalk with a book in your hands. It’s with an amused grin that you pull out your wand and before he knows it a building is appearing out of nowhere. You tell him it’s 12 Grimmauld Place, the House of Black, and that’s where you’ve been for a few days now helping Sirius, Remus, and Tonks fix it up

The entire time he’s there, exploring the rooms and wandering the halls beside you, the ring lies in his pocket and it feels heavy, as if reminding him it’s there.

He actually didn’t mean to ask you when he did.

You were right there though and the ring was in his pocket and he couldn’t think of anything else. 

You were both curled up on the couch in the living room. There was that familiar light, a glint in your eyes that he absolutely adored seeing and you were telling him a story about what had happened the day before while at Tonks place with a huge smile on your face and he just couldn’t help himself.

“What are you thinking about?” You asked him again when you found him staring at you, much like that night just a few months ago. This time, though, you were both completely clear headed. 

“About how I want to ask you to marry me.”

That caught your attention. Almost immediately you felt butterflies grow in your stomach and slowly you sat up, turning to face him. George was completely serious. You were at a strange loss for words. “You - I - what?”

He gave a soft laugh at the confused look on your face and sat up himself, pulling the ring out of his pocket as he did so.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I don’t know what to feel because after the tournament it's like every moment is fleeting. Everything suddenly feels temporary and that scares me. There’s only one thing I do know and that’s that I don’t want this, us, to be temporary. Every single thing that I feel for you, that’s all real. It always has been. I want to be with you for as long as you’ll have me, I’ve never been more certain of anything else in my life. Will you marry me, Y/N?”

“I-” You’re at a loss for words and also painfully aware of three very shocked people standing in the doorway of the room. Despite the surprise you know your answer right away. You’re absolutely positive this is what you want too. “Yes.”

George hadn’t been planning to ask then and he hadn’t really thought of how he would react. So he can’t help but be happily surprised when you agree. “What?”

“Yes, you tosser,” You laugh and happily kiss him, effectively bringing him back down to earth, though he swears he’s still dreaming. It seems too good to be true. “I’ll marry you.”

The memory of you two getting engaged isn’t just of you two in the living room of 12 Grimmauld Place. It’s also of Sirius and Tonks shouting and jumping around in excitement before either of you can get another word out and of Remus scolding them both about ruining your moment.

It’s your favorite memory of them.

 Especially because less than a year later, still at only 17, just a couple days before your birthday and a month before you’re to be married, Sirius died.

He was perhaps one of the only people you had never once doubted. All it took was you giving him wide, puppy dog eyes and he was immediately rendered incapable of lying to you, a fact even he found amusing.

He and Remus were both named your godfathers for a reason and you knew that very well. Even as a child you would brave the halls of Azkaban just to go see him no matter how much Remus didn’t want you to. He couldn’t argue with you, though, because he always ended up giving in much too easily.

You trusted Sirius with your life and he’d wasted too many years inside that prison and maybe that was why you had asked him to walk you down the aisle. To remind him of what was good and pure and happy.

He never got that reminder. Instead you were burying him the weekend after your birthday.

George had been at a loss about how to comfort you over Cedric’s death and he was at an even bigger loss now. He himself had grown rather close to Sirius over the last few months while spending late nights awake with the two of you and struggled to deal with the news of his death alongside you.

You guys have a strong support system though. There’s never a moment either of you is alone and you know that. It hurts to have to move on but you do.

If anything you’re more certain than ever before that this, your wedding, marrying George is exactly what you want.

 So you do it. At 18, a month after the date you had originally planned, you and George get married.

It happens in the large backyard of the cottage you’d grown up in with Remus. It’s late summer and the tree in the backyard is covered in blossoms and you could not have imagined a more perfect place to have your wedding.

The ceremony and reception were meant to be small and intimate and they are but they also end up more extravagant than you could’ve imagined. You find out as all the decor and outfits and food is arriving that Sirius had taken the liberty of getting you and George only the absolute best.

You’re sure you’re handling the last surprise you have from him well until the day before the wedding. You’re in the backyard alongside Molly, Tonks, Ginny, Hermione, Fleur, and Andromeda when you get an unexpected visit from a goblin from Gringotts. He hands you an envelope and a small brown package and tells you that they were given instructions in Sirius’ will to deliver it to you.

You break down the moment you open the letter to see loopy handwriting that you recognize immediately

Y/N, I understand that you wanted your wedding to be more about the two of you and less about the decorations. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years it’s that there’s no time like the present. I like to think you’ve picked that up from me and of that I’m proud. Therefore I hope you don’t mind me spicing things up a little. Oh and these are my gift to you because my favorite goddaughter will have the best if I have anything to say about it. And her soon to be husband too I guess and I like him, I really do, but these are mostly for you. Hope you like them as much as I liked picking everything out. -Love, Sirius

Your hands shake as you open the package to find a pair of elaborately engraved wedding bands, the ones you’re to use tomorrow

And you have to laugh because even when he’s not there anymore Sirius really does just know you that well. They’re perfect and you’re positive he knew that when he picked them out. A little card falls out of the envelope and you smile through your tears at his final note to you.

You’re ready.

 Everything you and George did you did young so it was tragically fitting when the war came around and you two were only 19 years old

Even now, only a year after everything ended, you remember the plots and the fights and the flashes of light coming at you from every direction.

You remember running for your life and hiding in whatever corner you could. You remember not being sure if your friends were dead or alive.

 But most of all you remember everything you lost.

Remus. Tonks. Fred. Sirius. Cedric.

In just a year it seemed like everything had been torn from your hands, your world turned upside down. It took you a while to properly grieve what you lost.

You had George, though.

And yes, there were nights where neither of you could sleep, still clearly hearing the echoing of loud bangs all around you, flinching at even the smallest movements with your wand gripped tightly in your hand, but never once were you alone.

“What are you thinking about?” You ask George one night after a particularly bad nightmare. Your face was stained with dry tears, your eyes bloodshot, and when you spoke your voice was hoarse. He had wrapped you in his arms tightly and held you until you stopped crying. You felt safe with him. It made the nightmare of losing him alongside everybody else that much worse. You wanted to hear his voice. Needed to hear it. Needed to know he was still there. 

“About how much I love you,” George had answered honestly, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of your head. “And about how we’re going to be okay.”

You knew how to handle loss now, that was simply a side effect of the war.

Just a few months after the fight at Hogwarts you were taking a position at St. Mungo’s to help those also struggling with everything after the war

Now, a little over a year later, you were spearheading major changes in St. Mungo’s, helping to make all sorts of care more readily available. Everything from providing wolfsbane to those who couldn’t afford the ingredients on their own to support programs for everyone, adults and children alike.

 You’d been busy and maybe that’s why you put off having The Talk with George at first. But eventually two weeks passed by and nothing had changed. There was still an ache that filled your body every time you dropped Teddy back off with Andromeda. That weekend when you were all at the Burrow you didn’t even realize you were practically glued to Fleur’s side.

You also don’t notice the way George is watching you every time you hold Vic in your arms. This image of a little toddler running around your apartment with his hair and your eyes keeps playing in his mind and he smiles every time.

It’s not until you two get home late that night that you try to work up the nerve to bring up the topic. You’re sitting on the couch, comfortably leaning against George while some music plays in the background

“What are you thinking about?” George asks when he sees the look on your face. He can read you inside and out and knows you’re conflicted about something. He’s just not too sure what it’s about though he has a vague idea. 

You turn to look at him and figure now is as good a time as any to tell him what you’ve been thinking. “About how I want us to have a baby.”

For a second he doesn’t say anything, simply taking a moment to mull over your words. Finally he shifts a little bit so it’s easier to bring you closer. “Y/N, love -”

“I think it’s the right time,” You start talking again before George can continue. “I know you’re trying to expand the shop and I have a ton of things going on at work but I really do think we can do this. I thought it was just cause we’ve been around Teddy and Vic so much lately but it’s more than that. I think it at least warrants a conversation. I can’t imagine making a family with anybody else.”

A silence hangs in the room but its not uncomfortable. Slowly a small, partially amused smile grows on George’s face and he only stares at you as if waiting for you to say something else. “Are you done?”

He watches you nod and bite your lip, a nervous habit you’ve had for as long as he can remember. He reaches forward and gently removes your bottom lip from between your teeth, still holding your face in his hands so you’re looking right at him. Then he kisses you softly and when he pulls away he smiles at the sight of your eyes still closed, a relaxed look on your face.

“I was actually going to agree with you since I’ve been thinking the same thing.” George admits, laughing as you beam up at him excitedly. “As long as you’re ready to do this I think it’s worth trying.”

Honestly you weren’t sure what you were expecting. Maybe a talk about how you’re both still young, some mention of the fact that you were both doing a lot at the moment. But you and George are on the same page. A baby of your own is something you both want and you suppose that’s the way it should be.

“Alright,” Your smile widens and you’re the one who kisses him again. He’s as excited about this as you are, you can tell. “Looks like we’re gonna try to have a baby.”

[socratoteles]

A year to get Ph.D in letting go

The last time I was here, I wrote that perhaps it was time for me to go out and just enjoy the world. And amid the global pandemic, I sort of managed to do that. It was such a lifesaver in a year of goodbyes. I`ll get to that, but let me begin with my coronavirus scare.

On March 4 last year, I was away in Bandung, aware but not worried of some obscure virus that triggered a total lockdown in some Chinese cities. That very same day was also the time when my colleagues came in contact with a man who later confirmed of having contracted COVID-19.

That was how close I was of contracting the virus. Had I not taken a paid leave to write last year’s essay in the city where I was born, chances were high that I was another case as well, at that early stage of the pandemic too. I`m still familiar with the helplessness that came after I checked in to a hospital only to being denied the test (the nurse reasoned that the contact with my colleagues, who might catch the virus from the confirmed man, cannot be categorized as close contact).

And that experience, of confusion and fear of infecting loved ones, left a lasting impression that shaped my behavior going forward. After all, it takes a pandemic to make wearing mask and washing hands could made the difference between life and death.

Covid-induced isolation meant that I spent most of my time being holed up in my room for the past 12 months. To this day the side effects of this solitary existence is still beyond my full grasp. On one hand, this situation had brought out my inner resiliency, resourcefulness and adaptability in the long days and night when things were just so dark. On the other hand, it also forced me to deal with unresolved traumas and numerous intrusive thoughts, which I will get into later.

People get really creative during the long locked-down days, spending it doing viral social media challenges one after the other. Videoconferencing become a thing on its own and for some reason loads of folks played a game named Among Us too, perhaps to remind themselves of the interactions cruelly torn apart because of the virus.

There was also a newfound awareness on class too, because the coronavirus disproportionately affected different individuals with different income level. At least on my part, I was lucky that essential workers (the pandemic elevated the phrase into such a buzzword) near my place were safe and somehow never contracted the virus. It is worth mentioning that I definitely cannot survive this long if not for the minimarket workers, ride-hailing drivers and dozens of cooks, all of whom must have worked in long hours, despite knowing the risk, just to keep their families fed.

Others, however, were not so lucky. the SARS-CoV-2 had infected more than a million Indonesians a year after it was officially detected in these shores. Millions have lost their jobs as economic activities ground to a halt. The place I currently work was not an exception. Massive layoffs would have happened in my office had the shareholders have enough money to properly compensate their workers.

It was an obviously eye-opening experience to calculate my own severance pay and make sure I could survive on that for as long as possible. The prospect of losing your income during the pandemic –which should be that particular time for anyone to hold on to their what-ifs money– was really awful.

This is the paragraph where I say that I wish nothing but the best for those who left the company simply because they deserve nothing less than that.

But there was another reason why I signed up for a help from professional therapist last year. In the latter part of last year, things got very, very grim. At the risk of oversimplification, let’s just say that I was unable to express my feelings properly to a girl that I really liked, right at the most critical moment when probably both of us needed support from each other. She eventually left with another guy.

Days before that fateful event happened, I was quietly bearing my own burden. After years of convincing myself that I was okay, I was, in fact, not okay, at least mentally. Years of trauma have caught up. It’s too personal to even spell that out here but I`ll just quote this Youtuber just to describe a fitting metaphor. 

“You see, human identity is like a house of card. One that’s always expanding. A story that is ever developing and always referred back to because every memory becomes a new card. Trauma is when a card doesn’t fit because the experience itself is so painful that it’s incompatible with everything else and if you become obsessed with making it fit the whole house of cards can fall apart and you lose the confidence to build anything new.”

Basically, my house of cards came crashing down, hard. At a time, it reduced me into this insecure soul who were unsure that people will accept me for who I was.

The last time I felt this way was a couple years back when my parent’s divorce was formalized. A girlfriend turned ex-girlfriend at that time too. Apparently, the universe has a cruel sense of timing to combine existential crisis with a relationship one.

The road to recovery was rocky, to say the least. I know something fundamental must be addressed, hence the therapy session.

I`m grateful for the company of my friends, either offline or online. (yes, I had become quite loose in terms of isolation because I know I had to prioritize my mental health; COVID-19 be damned). I`m also glad to say that because I talked with my friends about this issue, some of them were also encouraged to seek professional help.

At the height of my despair, I watched La Grande Bellezza (probably for a half a dozen time already) again and found this quote, spoken by the protagonist Jep Gambardella:

“We’re all on the brink of despair. We can only look each other in the face, keep each other company, kid each other a bit. Don’t you agree?”

Someone was kind enough to upload the entire scene on Youtube.

I decided that all bets are off, so I purchased books, many of which had been on my to-read list for years because I know I`ll have to read it when I search for a catharsis. That was how I finally read the Camus’ Myth of Sisyphus, from which I managed to understand what he meant by the absurdities of life. Into the Wild, excellently written by Jon Krakauer, broke my heart too because of Chris Mccandles’ tales somehow mimicked my own, minus the grand adventure part. I finally read Alan Watts too, from whom I learned that efforts to avoid from pain is painful in itself.

And music, a constant part of my life as I know it, helps too. I was saved because Fleet Foxes released a life-affirming record that fittingly spoke about relief, gratitude, and seasonal rebirth. During the darkest days I was just alone with my guitar in my room, terribly singing out the words that these musicians carved out of their soul to release my emotional burden. I was particularly grateful for being reminded time and again that “no one gets it right” but “we’re all supposed to try”.

I made a playlist containing songs that for me served as a reminder to be gentle for myself. You can check that here.

All of that was a roundabout way to say that I indeed, was able to go out amid the pandemic. On one afternoon I just said fuck it, I need to go out and see things. That led me to a weekly socially-distanced walk around the neighborhood, which was therapeutic in itself because the walks allowed me to be fully present and be sensitive to the sights and sounds and smells around me. Nothing is more liberating that allowing your feet to go where it you to go.

I don’t have the full answers yet, but as I wrote his essay, I`m glad to be able to say that I have rebuild my house of cards, with some of the bad cards included as well. It was quite a bumpy ride but when I looked back, this particular tweet was eerily prescient because it rings true today as was the day I tweeted it.

But I walked away from the depths of that bottomless pit not only with knowledge, but also of understanding the parts that made me who I am. I`m also humbled after I saw the abyss for the second time because it suggests that there might be another time when I found myself on the edge of despair.

I`ll never forget the fact that these hard-won lessons came on the back of years of pain, grief and suffering. But it also came on the heels of moments of simple walk in the setting sun and feeling the breeze on the beach too. In fact, I have made it my mission going forward to acknowledge both good and bad things as they are. Because forcing yourself to remember all the bright things when you were in the dark, and vice versa, is a form of self-torture. I hope this essay somehow do that mission justice.

I have said goodbyes to many things in life as the crisis comes and goes, but 2020 goodbyes were simply different. So much so that I thought I have a PhD in letting go already, however absurd that idea is.

[emelywrites]

Hey love I hope you are safe💞 I am in love with platonic Sirius Black x (lesbian) reader fan fics where Sirius helps reader to get the girl they are in love with and him being the best boy friend every lesbian wants to stand up for them when ppl talks shit. I don't know if I helped you or you find this lame. Anyway I love your writing and I hope you have a beautiful day❤🧡💛💚💙💜

Hi! Thanks so much. I hope I can do your request justice, because this is so sweet. When I came out as bi, my parents started telling me that it’s just a phase and I just needed to find the right guy. I just want everyone to know that this is a safe space for everyone and I hope that I didn’t completely misrepresent you in this story, so please enjoy! 🏳️‍🌈

Warnings: Language, bad parents, insecurities, angst, slight heteronormative behavior

Best Friends

Sirius and you had known each other since birth. You were both from prestigious pureblood families and your mothers were obsessed with the idea that you would get married one day and have all these perfect pureblood babies. Just before the beginning of your first year you started spending less time with your family, which, consequently, led to you spending less time with the Black-family and therefore Sirius as well. Truth was, you didn’t quite like the concepts of world that you grew up with and even though Sirius was your best friend you were distancing yourself from him, in fear that he was fully indulged in his family’s ideals. 

When you entered the Great Hall, you did so on your own. You saw Sirius but he didn’t see you because he had found new friends on the train. And frankly, it had been you who had ignored him for months before. Sirius’ name was called before yours and you wouldn’t look up at him until you heard the hat sorting him into „GRYFFINDOR“. You looked at him and saw the grin spreading on his face. Sirius, your best friend whom you had been to scared to tell your very anti-Slytherin thoughts, was a Gryffindor. Not a Slytherin. You had heard the gasps from everyone in the hall, including your own, when Sirius Black was sorted into bloodtraitor-Gryffindor-House. 

Then it was finally your turn (you weren’t awaiting it, whatever was going to happen, you weren’t going to be comfortable). You slowly ascended the stairs, coming to a stop in front of Professor McGonagall who gave you a sympathetic smile when she saw your nervousness. You felt small ease wash over you when she did. The hat was placed on your head when you sat down.

„Y/N Y/L/N, you’re not much of a Slytherin, dear. Your family’s gonna be pissed but you’re without a doubt a GRYFFINDOR!“

Your eyes widened in shock as another round of gasps went through the hall. But when you looked to the Gryffindor table, seeing Sirius cheering the loudest of them all, overpowering the shock, a wide smile spread on your face and you immediately went to him and hugged him. Sirius introduced you to his friends and again, you were as inseparable as ever. Even more so, because now, the cards were on the table. You were on the same page against pureblood-mania and stood through all the bullying and disgracing from your families together.

After you had just gotten close to Sirius again you fell apart a bit again during fifth year. Sirius had become a proper ladies-man. Being one of the oldest boys in the year, and, even you couldn’t deny it, quite a handsome one as well, he had all of the girls running after him. All except you. You were more into the girls that were running after your best friend. But of course you couldn’t tell anyone, especially Sirius, because he didn’t miss a chance to flirt with them.

„Mate“, James said to Sirius one evening in the common room when you weren’t there, „(Y/N)’s like really into you.“

Sirius laughed. „I beg your pardon? (Y/N) can’t be into me.“

„Why not?“, Peter chimed in, „She’s been avoiding you since you’ve been getting all the girls.“

„Exactly. She’s jealous“, James agreed.

„Pretty sure that’s not it“, Remus didn’t even look up from his book to throw in his thought.

„Yeah, (Y/N) and I are like best friends, all friendships have dry patches that doesn’t mean she’s into me“, Sirius thought out loud, „Besides, us being a couple would probably make our parents happy, cause pureblood babies, you know? That wouldn’t fit with the vibe.“

James and Peter looked at him with an „If you say so“-look that prompted Sirius to investigate. One Hogsmeade weekend he took you to the Three Broomsticks. You sat drinking your butterbeers as you were explaining the recent Charms-task to him. You did so rather unenthusiastically which made Sirius believe his friends may have been right. You always used to be excited to be going over Charms-work, especially because you were happy it meant he studied for once.

„(Y/N)“, you looked up at him when he called your name, „Do you have a crush on me?“

Your eyes widened in shock and as they did, his mimicked that. Oh god, he was right. Then you started laughing.

„Merlin, no. No offense, you’re not really my type“, you said through laughter.

„Oh, thank Merlin! That could have ruined our friendship“, he laughed along.

When your laughter died down you spoke up again. „Sorry, I’ve been distanced. I assume this was James’ idea?“, Sirius nodded, „We both know he’s not really good at reading girls. Exhibit A“, you pointed at the corner of the room, where Lily Evans was sitting as James was talking to her, not noticing her obvious disinterest.

Sirius laughed shortly before he answered. „But then, why have you been distanced?“

„I was jealous. All those girls running after you. Some of them, like, super hot and intelligent, dumbing themselves down to appeal to you. And last week you- Last week you were flirting with Maya.“

Sirius threw you a confused glance. He didn’t quite keep up with all the girls he flirted with. There were quite a few. You rolled your eyes.

„She’s a Ravenclaw. We have potions and transfiguration with them. You know, the only two classes where you don’t have all my attention? We’ve been spending a lot of time together, studying and talking and all. I’m-,“ you hesitated, „I have a crush on her.“

Sirius’ eyes widened in realization and when he didn’t answer for about two minutes, tears started collecting in your eyes and you started gathering your things.

„I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have unloaded this on you, just don’t tell-,“

„No, wait“, he caught your wrist and stood up, then he gathered you into a hug, „I’m so happy for you. I mean, proud, I mean, I’m overcome with emotion. Fucking hell, that girl wasn’t into me at all. I’ll gladly be your wingman.“

He grinned at you and you started smiling, too, your tears now flowing out of joy. „Are you serious?“

„Have been, all my life, love. Now let’s get you a date“, he put money on the table before he pulled you out of the Three Broomsticks.

Over the next few weeks Sirius did his best to find out whether you had a chance with Maya and once he was completely sure about it he pushed you into asking her out. Literally. Before Transfiguration class you both spotted her in her usual seat. When she saw you she smiled and waved. You were quite nervous to say the least. Sirius sensed that and took your shoulders from behind, pushing you to sit next to her.

„Maya, (Y/N); (Y/N), Maya, I see you’ve met. You two are, like, really into each other. Sorry for assuming you’re straight, Maya. Accept my best friend as an apology, treat her well“, Sirius patted both your shoulders, before heading off towards the other marauders.

„They grow up so fast“, he sighed, hand over his heart, looking at you proudly.

„So, she wasn’t into you?“, Peter asked.

„Told you so“, Remus answered, before Sirius could.

The word of you and Maya dating spread quickly, with same-sex-couples being rare, even in Hogwarts, and Sirius pointing at you both whenever you did something couple-y, smiling like a proud dad. So with everyone at school knowing it wasn’t long until the word spread to your parents. So one day you received a howler. It immediately sprung open.

„(Y/N) (Y/L/N), we won’t even dare call you that anymore. You are a disgrace, and here we were, thinking you couldn’t get any worse“, your mother’s voice yelled at you, „Get over that phase of yours and then maybe we’ll allow you back into the house“, the letter went up into flames as you stared into space where it had just been floating before you.

„Right so! She deserves much better than being a (Y/L/N). Who’d wanna be one of them? How dare they call you that?“, Sirius immediately spoke up, „Remus, give me parchment and a quill!“

„Sirius, you- you really shouldn’t. It’s just gonna get worse. I’ll just get right back into the closet for the rest of their lives“, you said quietly.

But Sirius wouldn’t have any of it. He wrote a long letter to your parents that you didn’t catch a glimpse of and then you didn’t see him for two days. When you did finally see him he had a smile on his face.

„You and I are moving in“, he said proudly.

„Pardon?“, you asked, looking up from your notes.

„I had some long conversations with Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore and they agree that our homes aren’t safe any longer. The day I let you get back in the closet is the day Merlin shaves, (Y/N). You should be allowed to be yourself, wherever that may be. That’s mostly gonna be Hogwarts for now, but I’ll be damned if you can’t be yourself after graduation. So, if your parents won’t accept you for who you are, screw them. They’d have to see you and Maya. I mean, relationship goals…“

As Sirius went on yet another monologue of naming all the things wonderful about you and your girlfriend, tears started stinging in your eyes. Sirius really was the best friend you could have asked for.

[boyy-wonder-grayson]

Winter's Weather // Dick Grayson Au!

Previous chapters: 1  2

Chapter 3

Warnings: nothing, kinda sad, mentios of sexual themes kidna.

A/u:Hey guys i’m kinda back, sorry i left this series alone i just didn’t have much inspiration to wirte for this, and i dind’t want to write something shitty just for the sake of writing, so hopefully you’ll enjoy this new chapter! thanks for following me and the series and i appreciate you caring for my writing. sorry for mistakes, and thanks again!

It’s been a month already since she arrived at Mystic, and it’s been one week since she last saw Dick. The first week went by quickly; Y/n had been so caught up with taking care of the cabin that she didn’t realize how much she had been inside the house. The weather was getting increasingly colder as the days passed, and the colder it got the feeling of loneliness started to creep inside of her. The first few weeks went somehow okay; the nostalgic feeling of being inside the house that held so many memories from her father was ever present in every waking hour, but the more time she kept herself preoccupied, the better she got at handling it. It was the nights that always got to her. 

Y/n was someone who enjoys being alone; she liked to be able to enjoy quiet nights, with a glass of wine and a good movie. She enjoyed being alone, what she didn’t enjoy was the feeling of loneliness. It’s been a few months since she broke up with her former boyfriend, and she was fine with being alone once again, but on quiet nights she missed the warmth of being in someone else’s embrace. And much to her chagrin, her mind took her to the only man that made her feel a resemblance of warmth, since she arrived at Connecticut. 

Dick.

It was strange of her to feel something so soon for something she didn’t really know. Dick was a mystery, that much she knew. It was an understatement to say he was an attractive guy, everyone with eyes could see that, but his eyes held something that drew her in. It was ironic how much of a lifetime movie her life had become since she came to town. Meeting a mysterious man; the random encounters they had around town, but as much as a cliche that was, she liked it. She chuckled, thinking about the few times they’d run into each other during her first month. More often than not, they found themselves standing in the cereal aisle fighting. It was a routine at this point for them. One that both waited to happen sooner than later.

That’s why she realised she hadn’t seen Dick since last week. She went grocery shopping on Tuesday and he wasn’t there,nor any other store for that matter. She hasn’t realized how comfortable she has become with him until he wasn’t there. She wondered, if something happened to him, if he was okay. She didn’t want to stay inside and wallow into her own self pity - she also didn’t want to stay in and think about dick because that might lead to some unholy activities - so she got dressed in some warm clothes, turned on her car and made her way towards the nearest bar. 

The Hood.

The Hood had seen some of the best and the worst nights of Y/n. She was not proud to say that the first time she got drunk, it was there and let’s say it did not end pretty. The moment she set a foot inside the bar, all the memories smack her in the face, some making her cringe at some, and smile fondly. The owner, Slade, a war veteran who had lost an eye in battle was the friendliest bartender you could ever meet. He was quick to shut down any creep that got too handsy with people around the bar, and he was one of the most respected men around town. For y/n, was like an uncle. He and her father were fishing buddies back in the day, and so grew around the man, and knew how much of a softie he was underneath that eye patch. 

“Uncle Slade!” She cheered once he spotted him across the counter. The man’s ears perked up at the familiar voice and when his eyes -eye- found the source a smile made its way into his face. 

“Y/n? Is that you!? My, my you’ve grown kiddo” he said moving around the counter to engulf his niece in a warm hug. 

“Oh, i’ve missed you!” she said, separating herself from the man. “I see you’re doing pretty well” the girl gestured at the almost filled bar. 

“It’s okay,” he said, looking fondly at the girl whom he considered a daughter. “How have you been?” He asked delicately. The girl sighed knowing where the conversation was going; after all they were almost brothers.

“I’m okay, been back here after so many years, it’s been… rough, but I like it. I always did love this town.”

“Wel, I’m glad you’re back. Adelaine is going to be happy to see you again” he said. Adelaine was one of the sweetest woman in town. Being married to someone like Slade wasn’t easy Y/n used to think -still does- but adelaine made it work. They had a son, Jericho, who loved to hang out with Y/n when they were younger.

“Is she here?” She asked excitedly. 

“Not today, she usually helps me on Fridays and Saturdays. But we definitely need to have you over the house one of these now that you’re staying in town” Slade said with a smile.

“I’d love to! I miss you guys a lot.”

“Well, I assume you didn’t come here just to chat, so what can I get you kid?“ 

“House special” she replied with a smirk.

Slade laughed before replying: “one Red Hood coming.”

Red Hood was the drink that gave the bar the name after all –minus the red of course–. It basically consisted of a Jolly rancher which was green apple vodka, some peach schnapps and cranberry juice, with a little orange slice rearranged to make it look like it was covering the top of the glass, you know like a hood. It was Y/n’s favourite drink. 

She sat on a table not too far from the counter and grabbed her phone. She had a few emails regarding work, that she was not going to open today, and a few texts from her sister. She opened the conversation, just when Slade placed the drink on the table. She thanked him, and took a sip from the glass, tasting the fruity drink and snapped a selfie to send to her sister with the caption ‘getting drunk tonight on red hoods. Xo.‘ 

She sighed after drinking some more, remembering all those days she used to come to the same place every other weekend, to drown her sorrows in alcohol and greasy food. It seemed that not much has changed.

“I didn’t peg you for the drinking type” a gruff voice said. Standing in front of her was none other than the man that had plagued her thoughts the past few days. Dick Grayson.

“Fancy seeing you here Dick” she said in a mocking tone. She hid her smile behind the glass checking him out, not too subtlety. That didn’t go unnoticed by Dick. He smirked as he took a seat on the table making the girl raise a brow.

“Don’t remember inviting you to sit down here"  

"I don’t see you objecting about it either” he replied.

“Touche.”

“So, what brings you here Grayson?” She tried to sound nonchalant but her voice was laced with worry? Dick shook those thoughts away, and cleared his throat.

“The alcohol” he replied, making her chuckle.

“Cheers” she lifted her glass in the air, nodding her head at the same time.

They stayed silent for a while. Enjoying each other’s company. The silence was surprisingly not awkward at all. This gave y/n time to really look at him. He looked tired, but handsome as usual. There were bags under his eyes, and his hair was a little too long. Y/n that he looked incredibly hot. The shirt under the leather jacket had two buttons opened, leaving his chest a litte exposed, and maybe it’s been too long since the last time she had sex, or maybe Dick was natural just hot, but that little window that show his tanned skin made her feel all sort of things. His Adam apple bobbed up and down whenever he took a sip, and god she needed to get laid now or go home and take care of it on her own. 

Before her imagination got truly wild, Dick spoke:

“Why are you here?" 

The question took her by surprise, not quite understanding why did he ask that.

"What do you mean?” She said, confusion all over her face.

“I mean, why are you here. In Mystic. Is not really people’s first choice for moving in” he said taking a sip from his beer.

“I came here to my dad’s cabin. It’s been a while since I came and I needed to see the state of the house before deciding what to do with it” she replied avoiding eye contact.

“That’s not what I asked." 

"That’s exactly what you asked,” she said, looking down at the empty glass in front of her.

“What’s the real reason?” Dick pressed. He wasn’t sure why he wanted to talk about it with her, but he was intrigued by her. She was the only person in town that made him want to leave the house so he could casually run into her. Not that he would say that to her,of course.

Y/n sighed, knowing that sooner or later she was going to be confronted by someone about her real reasons, but maybe speaking with someone who doesn’t really know her would save her from the judgment.

“I did come here because of the cabin,but I also needed time to think I guess. To breathe” she began “I broke up with my boyfriend a couple months ago, and I guess I needed a break from it all,you know? Is not that I’m doing this because of him, but also my mother kept on pressuring me about getting older and finding a husband, and getting married and I just don’t think I want that. Not now at least. And I just couldn’t handle it anymore, and this was a good chance, maybe to start over, to chance, but now I just… don’t know” she said sighing not looking at Dick.

“I came here five years ago, for the exact same reasons as you,” he said,surprising the girl.

“And?" 

"And… nothing changed” he admitted looking down at his now empty beer bottle. “I came here five years ago, wanting to do something about my life and I did nothing. If anything I became more reclusive.”

Y/n knew that even though dick and her were not exactly friends, and did not know each other at all, she thought that maybe he felt the same. Telling the story of your life to a stranger can be comforting in a way; like she said saving yourself from the judgment from your family. She knew that asking dick a question might end in either him answering truthfully or maybe he’d shut himself off even more than before, but since she was kind enough to tell her own story she hoped for Dick to do the same. So she asked:

“Why did you come here?" 

Dick huffed and ran a hand through his long hair. He didn’t like talking about this topic with anyone. Not his family,not his friends, so why was he about to pour his feelings out for some girl he barely knew? He did not know the answer to that yet, but the warm smile on her face, and her kind eyes gave her a weird sensation in his stomach. Maybe he was starved for connection with someone other than his family,maybe he liked her enough to trust her. 

Maybe.

"Before I came here I was supposed to get married with my back then fiancee, Dawn; I was the happiest guy in the world. I had a good family, friends and someone I trusted with my life. But a few days before my birthday I found out she cheated on me with my friend Hank.” He stopped to look at her, waiting for the same look everyone gave him when they heard that story. But her eyes were soft, a sweet, comforting smile was waiting for him, rather than pity. Dick somehow understood the look she was sporting. She understood because she had 

been there herself. Dick sighed loudly, releasing all the tension and stress that he had been carrying for years. Being in her presence was like a breath of fresh air for someone whose head had been surrounded by smoke and each time got harder to breath. 

It wasn’t until she came to the town that Dick allowed himself to breathe the air that the city provided him with.

[writejiminie]

Onsra ─ Epilogue.

Ⅰ Ⅱ Ⅲ Ⅳ Ⅴ Epilogue

Pairing: Jungkook x reader | Jimin x reader | (hinted) Yoongi x reader Genre: fluff, (slight) angst Word count: 4.3k  Summary: It has been five years; your son is now five years old, you’re attending a wedding, and reunions are made.

Jimin, in his clean, cut suit, stands by the pillar next to the priest as everyone in the audience is caught up in the anticipation brought upon by the silence as many loved ones have their phones and cameras out on record.

Then, the piano plays.

The flower girls stroll through and a couple laughs could be heard here and there by how adorable and innocent they looked as they giggled along the aisle, grabbing uneven handfuls of petals from their small baskets and tossing them in every unknown direction.

The harp strings soon join in.

Maids and men of honor follow shortly after the children and you recognize some familiar faces, those of classmates and some of Jimin’s team members. One of the young women notices you and smiles, to which you return a small one with a short nod in her direction. She used to be rather shy and always avoided your gaze when you greeted her around campus. It seems the tables have turned now as she glowed with confidence and you were the one to remain quiet, avoiding anymore than a brief conversation when socializing with fellow attending acquaintances and guests.

It is when the gasps and shouts occur, that you realize she’s coming. Her arm linked around her father’s as he walked her across the white silk spread on the ground, now decorated, with the effort of the flower girls, with purple and pink petals which gave it a magical contrast of colors.

Bora looks absolutely stunning in her white gown, flashing and pure as you always remembered and still saw her as. She smiles with her row of pearly white teeth as flashes and cameras click, seemingly surrounding her from those sitting in the chairs on the sides. But among them you watch silently; a petite, but caring smile upon your face. You are so, so happy for them.

As she approaches the front towards the beautifully-decorated arch, you observe the way Jimin looks at her and for some reason you feel rather bittersweet. Yet, you find your eyes locked onto his expression, maybe hoping that he’d look your way? What if, today would be the day he realizes that you were his true love? 

...A soft sigh escapes your lips as you let your eyes do the laughing, your hopeless romantic fantasies almost got the best of you.

After they exchanged their vows and tied all their promises with a kiss, everyone began to stand up to gather into the wedding banquet nearby. It was time for lunch.

“Mama,” your now 5 year-old son tugged at your arm, “I’m thirsty.”

You smile and nod as you both stand up as well, “Alrig-

“Y/N?”

You turn around and your eyes widen at the person standing before you with their partner, but your face relaxes and you offer a friendly smile to the matching couple wearing black from the bottom up.

“Ah, Jungkook!” You bow politely to the woman whom you recognized as Soon-hee beside him and she returns the same gesture. “How have you been? It’s been so long...”

“It has! Everything’s been perfect, and goodness...He’s grown so big!” Jungkook exclaimed in awe as he knelt down to greet your son. “His name? How old is he now?”

“Chin-mae and he just turned five last week.” You replied calmly and all of you laughed when he began to shy away from Jungkook, hiding behind you and gripping to the hem of your light-blue dress for dear life.

“Is that so...He’ll grow up well,” He waves at your little boy before standing up and grinning at you, his smile hadn’t changed at all, it was still goofy with a touch of charm from the familiar rabbit-like teeth in the front, “Well, we’re going to start heading over to the banquet, Soon-hee’s starving!”

At that remark, she elbowed his side and he flinched in pain, struggling to keep his posture and this causes you to laugh, “Oh, we were just about to head over as well! Chin-mae’s pretty parched,” You smile softly at your small son, the poor boy’s face was red and irritated from the sun.

“Ohh perfect, then let’s go together?” Jungkook offers and you glance over to Soon-hee.

“I don’t mind,” She smiles, “I’m sure you and Jungkook have a lot to catch up on.”

And so, you joined the couple as you and Chin-mae entered, rushing to find a table before the rest of the crowd came pouring in. Soon-hee got up to bring some appetizers for us and took Chin-mae along to get some punch, allowing you and Jungkook to catch up a bit.

“Who knew these two were so popular?” Jungkook cautiously looked around, unfamiliar with most of the faces as you felt the same way. But you laughed, having realized that Bora and Jimin really did have lives of their own apart from the frolicking days where the only friends you ever had were them and them only. 

“Have you talked to Bora and Jimin yet? Do they know you’re here?” Jungkook asked you before reaching towards the center of the round table for the pitcher filled with pink lemonade and pouring it into his glass then gestures it towards you.

You and Jungkook always shared the same tastes and had many things in common. No wonder you two were so compatible, in the beginning. 

You nod and take the pitcher from him, filling your glass as well, “Ah, I came just to see their wedding, but yes they were aware I was coming,” You rub your neck shyly, “I didn’t want to make anything awkward so I haven’t spoken to either of them today. I bet they were surprised I had accepted their invitation at all as I was surprised they still wanted to send me one. As a matter of fact, Bora wanted to make me her bridesmaid actually, but I rejected.”

Jungkook raises his eyebrow while sipping from his glass, “How come? I thought there weren’t anymore hard feelings?”

“There aren’t any hard feelings,” you explained while twirling your finger along the rim of your glass, “I just didn’t feel like that was my position to take. In a way, I almost took away their happiness because of my own selfishness.”

You notice from the corner of your eye that Jungkook almost reach out to touch you, but he pauses and apologizes quickly as he retracts his hand, “Sorry, old habits die hard.”

I wouldn’t have minded. Jungkook has always been warm and comforting to you. That hasn’t changed.

But you shake your head, reassuring him. 

“Hey now,” Jungkook mutters, “You’re not selfish. Not to bring up war flashbacks from the past but it was both of them who betrayed you first. I’m surprised they even had the audacity to send you an invitation and they haven’t apologized to you for everything you had to go through.”

You watch as Jungkook irritatedly downs the last of his glass and smile at Soon-hee when you notice her making her way back to the table, carrying some dishes while Chin-mae holds onto her arm while stuffing his face with what seems to be a vanilla cupcake.

“My goodness!! They have such a variety of desserts, I can only imagine they hired the most expensive patisseurs to display such attractive pastries!” Soon-hee exclaims as she hands you a plate with a slice of what seems to be a round and glazed lemon cake, "Y/N, you simply must try this lemon cake! It’s out of this world!”

Personally, you aren’t the biggest fan of lemon cake but it would be rude to decline it after all the trouble Soon-hee went through to kindly gather as many dishes as she could from the chaos that was the dessert area. You gratefully take it from her and force yourself to a few small bites for her satisfaction, to which Soon-hee smiled appreciatively towards you.

“Good, right?” She asks with anticipation.

Your try your best to nod your head enthusiastically and based on her reaction, with a big smile spread across her face, she seems convinced enough for you to graciously busy your mouth on the other plates.

You reach out for the chocolate lava cake which works wonders on cleansing your pallet of that lemon cake that tasted of nauseating perfume fragrances.

You notice Jungkook staring at you and it didn’t take you long to read the message behind his expression before Soon-hee began shoving his face with all the desserts she claimed were his favorites.

What about Chin-mae?

What about him? He has been just fine in your care. As he lacks a father, it meant you had to play both roles. Nobody ever asked you about your struggles as a single mother, but it was hard enough work that words wouldn’t be enough to vent with. You were very much alone for the first five years of his life, with occasional support from your own parents.

After surviving on the money and food sent to you by your parents for the first couple years of Chin-mae’s life, you eventually worked two part-time jobs during the morning and the afternoon while leaving Chin-mae at day-care. You would then pick him up in the evening and prepare dinner for the both of you. That has been your daily routine until he will start attending kindergarten in a month.

Chin-mae had grown to be a rather quiet and shy child, very much similar to you as his mother because you also did not have much of a social life anymore. There just wasn’t enough time you could afford to spend for yourself and instead you dedicated it all to ensuring your son had a healthy childhood and grew up well. It took a lot of physical and mental effort for you to fill in both parent roles so that Chin-mae wouldn’t feel neglected in any way.

Naturally, Jimin had tried to reach out a couple times but you ignored him because if he were to enter your and Chin-mae’s new life, there was no telling how this would affect his and Bora’s relationship. Even when both had done you wrong, they were still people you had once called friends and the care and good fortune you wished upon them remained genuine.

You overhear Jungkook and Soon-hee’s convo which pulls you out of your thoughts.

“Here, you should eat more vegetables,” Jungkook persuades Soon-hee but she frowns at him, “Even though you hate them, you have to eat at least some! Don’t you want,” you notice Jungkook bring a hand down to her belly you just now saw as slightly enlarged, “Haru to be healthy when she’s born?”

Haru. Why does that sound so familiar?

Then it clicks.

Ohhh right, wasn’t that what Jungkook had wanted to name Chin-mae?

You then feel a nudge on your knee and notice little Chin-mae standing beside you, lifting up his frosting-covered hands so you could pick him. You lift him onto your lap and wipe his hands and face down with multiple napkins as you murmur with a giggle, “Seems my little man had his dose of sugar today!”

Your son giggles back with a big grin as he bounces himself excitedly on your lap while clapping his hands loudly, sugar high.

After a day full of eating and chatting, it eventually grew late which meant it was time for the first dance and you knew what came next from your share of weddings you had attended even when you failed to have your own. By the time the dance is over, everyone will be drunk and playing wild wedding games to extend the night. You planned to leave early before it got that point as it was fast approaching 10PM and you wanted to be home before midnight to tuck Chin-mae in, who was already dozing off in your arms.

You’re finishing your seventh glass of pink lemonade, sneaking in a couple small sips from a second glass of red wine here and there to avoid passing your tolerance, and have Jungkook and Soon-hee watch over the sleeping Chin-mae while you hurriedly head over to the restroom before the dance.

After relieving yourself, you wash your hands and feel a prescence coming up to wash her hands at the sink next to yours. You glance up to see her through the mirror and you freeze.

It was Bora.

Shortly after, she seems to notice you pause at your sink only to stop with shock as well upon seeing your familiar features.

“Y/N...is that really you...?” she whispers slowly, her eyes reflecting the same bewildered width of yours back, “So...you really did come after all.” Her voice cracked.

D@mn it.

All day you had been hoping to quietly attend their wedding to ensure everything went well and tried to avoid interacting with them at all costs. But nothing could have prepared you for this unlucky encounter.

Then, the unexpected happened. Bora immediately embraced you into her arms and began to sob.

Oddly enough, as if automatically, you also found yourself clinging to her in return just as tightly with a craving for human interaction. For so many years, the only being you had held close was Chin-mae, as your social life had severly gone down the drain the moment you became a single mother. That had always been a sacrifice you were willing to make for your son’s well-being. But nothing could stop you from being selfish right now.

You had forgotten how warm Bora was.

You then began to recall the times when hugs like this used to occur often because Bora had always been an affectionate being who could never keep herself off of you. It got to the point where you were annoyed and sick of all of her embraces. But right now, this desperate and silent hug spilling emotions of regret, guilt, care, and love was all you could ever ask for in this moment.

No words were exchanged and you both lost track of time for how long you stayed in each others’ arms. There was nothing to say. Apologies and forgiveness would never be enough to mend this broken friendship you two shared, but the love you had for each other was still there.

“Jimin must be waiting for me,” Bora laughs, you notice she has toned down quite a bit. She was a lot calmer and more composed from the energetic girl you used to remember her as. “H-how long will you be staying? I’m sure Jimin would like to meet you and you brought your so-”

“I will leave after I watch your first dance, so I can tuck Chin-mae into bed. He actually fell asleep not too long ago.” You interuppted her by sudden impulse, a reflex due to the discomfort you felt from Bora talking about your son and Jimin in the same context.

Bora nods understandingly, “I see...Thank you for coming and I hope you had fun. I hope we can talk again soon Y/N.” She bows to me as she excuses herself out of the bathroom first.

You take a long sigh and stare at yourself in the mirror. Hopefully Bora’s makeup wasn’t messed up. You ponder as you begin to clean your face up a bit as well before heading back out.

You make it back to the table just in time as Jungkook and Soon-hee insist to continue holding Chin-mae as he comfortably lays down across both of their laps, to which you nodded gratefully for your arms were a bit tired from holding him earlier.

Then, hushes could be heard as the lights began to dim and everyone went silent.

You see Jimin take Bora’s hand as he lightly brings her to her feet and walks with her towards the center of the banquet. Everyone has their phones out and you notice people wiping tears from their eyes as the couple begins their gentle choreography.

The song starts to slowly play and instantly, you can feel tears well up in your eyes.

♫ When your legs don't work like they used to before

And I can't sweep you off of your feet ♪

You close your eyes, “Thinking Out Loud” by Ed Sheeran, as you find yourself swaying with everyone else.

♪ And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways

Maybe just the touch of a hand ♫

Not the most unique choice to slow dance to, but a charming song nonetheless. You open your eyes again to see Jimin spinning her and you can hear Bora’s giggle as her long white gown follows their matching steps, to which the rest of the guests laugh along too as the dance began to take a more carefree direction.

♫ I'll just keep on making the same mistakes

Hoping that you'll understand ♪

You feel that familiar nudge on your knee and see in the darkness that Chin-mae had woken up. Your eyes meet Jungkook’s and Soon-hee, both who shrugged with silly expressions reading, “He’s all yours again.” You smile with a small laugh to them as you take Chin-mae once again into your arms.

“I’m sleepy...” he whimpers and you lightly pat his back.

“We’ll go home soon, after this dance.” You assure him and surely enough, the song comes towards its end and the couple’s dance ends with them hugging each other.

♥ And we found love right where we are. ♫

“Alright, I think it’s about time I take this little one to bed.” You say as you begin to gather your things. Soon-hee helps you pack some desserts and foods to take home and Jungkook offers to assist with bringing everything to your car seeing how Chin-mae was already adding weight to your back.

Jungkook excuses himself and you both end up talking again on the way to the exit of the banquet. You two had always been able to naturally hold a conversation wherever you guys were.

“I can’t help but ask but, does Soon-hee know we were a thing?” you ask in a way, as if you two hadn’t been dating behind her back in the past.

Jungkook nervously scratches his nose, “I...I thought it’d be easier just to tell her we go way back, like friends since college. It made the most sense considering you were friends with Bora and Jimin as well.”

You nod, not happy about Jungkook continuing to lie to his wife and her being oblivious about everything that truly happpened between all of you, but it wasn’t necessary for you to ruin a happy marriage you were no longer involved with the people of.

“Haru, huh?” you bring up and notice the way Jungkook perks up.

“Ohh that’s right, I haven’t told you yet but the news itself was pretty recent,” Jungkook says, you notice the excitement behind his eyes, “Soon-hee is pregnant! With a baby girl!”

“Aww, congratulations guys! I’m really happy to hear that.” You smile at him to which he returns warmly with a grin.

“Yeah, life’s been good. But hey, that means Chin-mae and Haru can be best buddies huh? Maybe Chin-mad could teach her a thing or two,” Jungkook teases and you both laugh. That did sound very nice to let the children be friends with each other.

As you both approach the exit, your heart stops when you see Jimin standing outside having a smoke. Jungkook notices him as well but it’s too late, Jimin’s head had turned to your direction and his eyes widened just as Bora’s had when she saw you.

“Y/N...that’s you, isn’t it?” He blinks multiple times with disbelief as he takes the cigarette out of his mouth to bury into the dust of a nearby ash tray.

Jungkook attempts to step forward, but you put your hand to his arm and shake your head.

“Wow, you look as amazing as always! Love your dress, you’ve always loved light blue huh?” Jimin compliments as he comes up to you with what resembles admiration?

But you didn’t look much different aside from the increased depth of darkness below your eyes from overworking and lack of sleep. But in comparison, Jimin, in his clean, cut suit, looked sharper than ever. His cocoa brown hair split to the side in a way where his bangs fell gracefully slightly above his eyes, his jawline noticeabley sharper upon his freshly shaved face, and from the width of his shoulders and muscular torso he was definitely more built.

You nod your head. He seemed to still remember some of your interests even after many years later since the last time you saw him.

You notice the way his eyes transfer to the little one with his arms wrapped around your neck as he sleeps upon your back and observe his expressions. This was, after all, the first time he had seen his biological son.

His eyes are unreadable, but his smile tells it all. A hurt smile, almost forced. He knows who this child is,

“Mind if I?” Jimin gestures, offering to hold onto everything you and Jungkook were carrying. “I’ll help you take the rest to your car.”

Before Jungkook could respond, you interuppted, “Yes, that’s fine.”

Why? I shouldn’t talk to him. So why, am I allowing it now?

Jungkook turns to you with worry, but you say, “It’s okay Jungkook, it was a bit inevitable that I’d have to talk to him someday right? Just as I did with you, I should catch up with Jimin as well.”

At that, Jungkook hands Jimin the things he was carrying, hesitantly, and tells you before he goes back into the banquet, “Call me if anything happens, okay?”

You nod and you begin to walk towards your car with Jimin. 

It was dark out, but the soft breeze was calming among the stars twinkling in the cloudless sky around the moon that sure to be full tomorrow. 

“So...” Jimin begins, “That’s my-”

“He’s my son, yes.” You say quickly. 

An awkward silence follows.

“Ah...” Jimin says slowly, being careful with his words, “Right, he’s very cute, looks just like you Y/N.” Jimin says slowly and you thank him. Although both of you were completely aware that Chin-mae actually looked practically identical to Jimin. 

Not too long after, your car is in sight and you find yourself hurrying to it. 

“Well, this is my car. Thank you for helping me, Jimin.” He nods back in response as you finish putting everything in the back seat after placing the sleeping Chin-mae in his booster seat.

“Hey Y/N, thanks for coming to our wedding. It means a lot.” Jimin starts awkwardly, but you can hear the sincerity. 

“Of course, I’m hoping only the best for you two. And I contributed $200 of my hard work so, make good use of that building your lives together okay?” You joke and Jimin’s eyes widen until you both are laughing hard together in the night.

“I appreciate it and I’m sure Bora does as well. And I want you to know, you can still count on us okay?” Jimin says, his eyes soft on yours, “I can only imagine all of your struggles so far, so if you need help with anything just reach out. But, I can tell you with certainty that your son is growing up just fine, he looks strong and healthy.” You can’t help but fall for the way his eyes gently watch over the relaxed features of Chin-mae, dare you say it was fatherly.  

“I understand, thank you and I love you both.” You manage to grin and with one strong hug, you both separated ways once more. It hurt much less than the first time.

                                      . ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

“Chin-mae! Hurry and put your shoes on, we’re gonna be late!” 

It was time for your son to start kindergarten. He had been nervous for the past week, last night especially. 

“It’ll be just like daycare, but now you’ll get to meet more friends and learn! Isn’t that exciting? And you love stories too so I’m sure they’ll read lots more to you and you can tell me all about it!”

As a mother, you were feeling really proud and excited for Chin-mae to get his first taste of school and education. You knew he was going to be just fine, just as Jungkook and Jimin had told you he would be.

Rushing to the school was very stressful, but you managed to make it just in time as the last couple parents were coming in to drop off their children. Following behind them, with Chin-mae anxiously clinging to the sleeve of your light blue sweater, you are greeted by a man. He wore a red polo shirt with a logo located slightly above the right breast, black pants, and a lanyard with a card hanging on it. He did not seem to be the friendliest, a bit intimidating and serious by his sharp eyes and rough facial features...or so you thought, until the man knelt down to meet Chin-mae’s eyes. 

“Hi there, what’s your name?” He asks softly, not kiddy language soft, but in a tone that felt trusting and reliable.

To your surprise, Chin-mae responds to the stranger, “Chin-mae.” 

The man brushes the curled, black bangs away from his eyes and smiles warmly, “Nice to meet you Chin-mae, go ahead and head in. I’m sure all of the kids would love to meet you as well.”

You could’ve sworn your son’s eyes twinkled and after giving you a hug, Chin-mae willingly hurries inside the classroom, filled with students more than happy to see him, feeling a little more braver than before.

“Wow,” You bashfully say, unable to hold in your amazement, “You were able to calm his nerves so quickly.” 

The man stood back up and let out a sigh, “The magic of a kindergarten teacher does wonders,” He shrugs and his eyes widen when you find yourself laughing slightly at his comment.

“Ahh so you must be my son’s teacher, nice to meet you. My name is Y/N L/N, please take care of him well.” You politely bow and he nods, returning the gesture.

“Leave it to me, I see a lot of potential in that kid.” The man smiles, “My name is Min Yoongi. Nice to meet you.”

Your heart skips a beat.

                                     »»————-　♡　————-««

Ahahah I have a LOT of explaining to do, don’t I? (^▽^;) //sweats// That’s amazing that it’s been tHReE years (//omg) since I had written and worked on this series! I never forgot about it, rather, I underwent the world’s longest writer’s block which stopped me from picking this up and finishing the epilogue I promised until now. For that, I apologize to my readers if they are still following me and my series <3 ;-;

But finally, this is the end of Onsra~!!! I hope those that have stuck around enjoyed this journey and that the long-awaited epilogue did some justice. Thank you all sooo much for reading and I’m very happy this story of mine became so successful by all your support <3 Have a lovely day everyone!! :’)))

                                                                          ~Boba  ☆ ʕ •ᴥ• ʔ ☆

[laurelleghuleh]

OCAF | Ch. 9 “Wounds”

Warnings: read the masterlist first and check Alec’s chart

Songs: “The One That Got Away (Acoustic Version)” by Katy Perry, “Hurt” by Christina Aguilera, “Carousel” by Melanie Martinez.

DAPHNE’S POV

˜ FLASHBACK ˜

The first time Alec arrived at the brothel he was just 15. His father wanted to introduce him to his job, to secure his position and future. Very thoughtful of his, if it wasn’t for the fact that he had just brought a little lamb in the lion’s cage.

Alec was already tall for his age, but he kept growing in height until he was almost 6’0. And yet his body stayed pretty slender and delicate. It quite matched his sweet features and manners. Alec was the purest soul I’ve ever met in my entire, albeit short, life.

At first, he just had to take care of the few horses and carriages the Master possessed. Animals didn’t quite like the Underground’s environment, so Alec and his father were the only ones allowed to go on the surface to go for a ride or escort the Master somewhere.

He wasn’t authorized to talk to us or even enter the brothel: us girls were off-limits. But, eventually, we found our ways to meet him. There weren’t many nice and young people around the building. And as good-looking as him.

Nina and I weren’t on the same page about Alec. She used to bully him all the time, calling him whiner or pussy. On the contrary, I’ve always known he was one of a kind. And to be honest, he was so nice that even the Master started to like him and became more indulgent with him. That’s when he softened and I formally met Alec for the first time.

I remember that one of my first training with my Master’s goons didn’t end well for me. I had bruises and wounds all over my body and face, and I couldn’t even stand up properly. I don’t know what I was expecting, they had never been the kindest.

However, long story short, that day I was a literal mess and as I was trying to pull myself together, I crawled to the nearest place, looking for some water and rest: the stable.

As soon as Alec saw me, he ran towards me and started stuttering anxious and incoherent phrases. He took care of me and since that day, after each training he would have waited for me to spend some time together, talking, playing with the horses, walking around the building, or just enjoying our company, in silence.

We tried our best to not get caught as we treasured those moments together just for ourselves.

“So?? Did that scrawny ass boy have the courage to kiss you this time?” said Nina, when I entered the kitchen. “What the fuck are you talking about, Nina??” I promptly replied. “Daphne! Pretty please, stop swearing…” complained Abigail “Well, did he proposed???” then added full of curiosity. “WHAAAAT?? EXCUSE ME???” I shouted.

“Oh, c’mon Daphne. it’s so obvious that even Sae-jin got it!” screamed Ruth walking in the room. “Don’t pull me in. I don’t give a damn about what she does with that poor boy…” calmly stated Sae-jin, leaving the room and dragging away with her Eve, who as usual was not understanding much.

Sae-jin was always so avoidant. But how could I blame her? The girls could get pretty annoying sometimes. Well, always.

“Ok, now I’m losing my patience…” I sighed “You’re totally misunderstanding the situation. Alec and I are just good friends” I declared. “I couldn’t care less how you call each other. Friends, brothers, potatoes…” started again Nina, now reaching for Ruth, who instantly intercepted her gesture and sprinted to sit on her lap.

Nina was always too casual when it came to those things. Whenever we were alone - which happened very frequently given that we were almost inseparable - she used to tell me: “They told us what to do with our bodies, but this…” she pointed at my head “… and this…” and then at my heart “are only ours, or of those to whom we choose to dedicate them”.

I knew she was talking from experience. Among us, she was the best at faking the whole thing, the clients loved her, but she was nobody’s property but Ruth’s. And vice versa. “Remember doll, loving and fucking are two different things… Well, if you find someone who can give you both, then… Lucky you” and then laughed out loud.

I never fully grasped what she meant. At that time, I knew so little about relationships, love, desires, but I wanted to know more, to learn more about myself, my true self, the one I couldn’t talk to anyone about.

Eventually, I figured it out in the oddest way: the thing I despised more than anything else, sex, taught me the most about the others, myself, and my relationship with others. So little could be hidden to two naked bodies, two stripped minds. But that’s a lesson I learned only once out of th brothel, years later.

But still, at that time, love was only a mysterious word in Martha’s stupid fairytales, in Chadia’s past affairs she used to tell us about, and in Nina’s mischievous hints.

“Girls… Geez, we didn’t kiss! And never we will!” I stated, getting nervous. “Ok, one more week. I bet tonight tips” whispered Ruth in Nina’s ear. “Deal” said Nina. Abigail chuckled watching my frustrated reaction. Those were our little innocent moments. Just the calm before the storm.

Eventually, that day arrived. I knew Alec had a crush on me, but I always avoided thinking about it too much, until that day. I was hanging the laundry on the rooftop of the building when Alec came to me mumbling some nonsense. “Alec, are you high or something?” I teased him. He frowned making a hilarious puppy face. He always looked so innocent even when he was angry.

“N-no. No, please Daphne, let me finish” he said. “Boy, you didn’t even start” I laughed. He couldn’t stand my attitude anymore, so he rushed towards me, making his way through the bright blankets swaying in the air. And there, hidden by their motion, he stole me a kiss.

He immediately took a step back. One kiss gave him enough courage to say: “I like you, Daphne. I like you a lot. I liked you since the first day I saw you through the window. And I think I’ll like you forever…” he said all in one breath.

I blinked, unable to say a single word. I knew I liked him too, but I could already tell the difference between our feelings. And I believe he knew that too. Since I couldn’t stand lying to him, I didn’t say anything and I just hugged him tightly.

I knew that wasn’t love, but Alec always made me feel safe and understood, so I swallowed my indecision and gave it a try. I was so young and naive.

I used to sneak out at night, climbing down my window, to meet him at the stable. I was always the one who initiated every make-out session and Alec seemed to appreciate it, but he was already content with my presence, he simply enjoyed my company. Instead, I craved to be touched by him, by someone who cared about me, for once. I craved it like I was starving and avidly trying to figure out something, someone. Probably myself.

We successfully kept it on the down-low for more than a year. When I turned 20, he surprised me with a gift: a knife, with a capital D he personally engraved on the hilt. I couldn’t stop thanking him, when, at some point, he came up with “I know you can handle yourself, but I want you to be safe. Whatever happens”.

“Alec, you’re such a party pooper. Don’t be so dramatic, I’ll be fiiiine. But still thank you so-“. “No, Daphne, you don’t get it” he interrupted me “Trust me. Things are taking a turn for the worst. The Master is getting himself into… into some deep shit”. “Alec Reed. Did you just say the s-word??” I sarcastically added. But his face was so serious I almost got scared.

“Things are about to go down, Daphne. Please, carry this thing with you… Oh, I almost forgot about it. Here, I also made this” he said handing me a short leather belt with a little pocket designed for the knife. “You can put it around your…” he coughed “…thigh”.

His little speech literally gave me chills and I desperately wanted to change the subject, so I seized the moment. “Oh, well… since you thought about this belt on my thigh…” I seductively said, raising my skirt up, exposing my leg “…Why don’t you show me how you imagined it” I suggested.

He almost choked at my words, causing me to laugh out loud. I hugged him once again, thinking that the heavens had sent him to me. I kissed him on the cheek, thanking him again, and then I rushed back inside since our little time was quickly coming to an end. But his words stuck inside my head for days, weeks, months, until his prophecy took place.

My last year at the brothel was nothing but a sequence of tragedies. One day Eve found Chadia’s lifeless body and after a couple of months, Sae-jin and her lover, Colton, were brutally murdered by the Master, who found out about their complot against him. Tabitha was given as wife (well, sold) to an unknown client and at some point, Abigail started to act quite strangely around me, almost avoiding me.

That chain of catastrophes ended with my worst nightmare: Alec’s execution.

One night, after climbing back to my window, I found two guards waiting for me in my room. One of them quickly grabbed a fist of my hair, shoved me down to the stairs and then dragged me to the back of the brothel. And there I saw them.

Alec was on his knees and around him stood other guards in a semi-circle. I tried to call Alec but he didn’t seem to even notice me. His eyes were fixed on the ground, his hands behind his back and his body shaking. “Alec, what’s going on…” I murmured again.

“Oh babygirl, you know what is going on…” my Master’s voice echoed behind me. His filthy hands caressed my skin, from my collarbone to my chin, as he spoke again “Boy, look up, look up at me when I'm talking”. Alec immediately obeyed. His face was swollen and his eyes glassy and red. “Alec…” I whispered in disbelief, shaking my head.

“See? You see this?” The Master said brushing his index along my cheek and then fiercely grabbing my jaw “This is my property… Everything here is my property… I trusted you boy. But I think you’ve bitten off more than you can chew”. “No… No... Please no” I whispered as tears streamed down my face. He was right: I knew what was going on.

The Master nodded and all his little dogs moved quickly, obeying him. A second just before that, Alec’s lips moved to tell me something that I wasn’t quick enough to catch. Soon the Master’s goons were over him, ruthlessly punching and kicking him.

I started to scream and as soon as I tried to move forwards the Master fiercely grabbed me, blocking my arms behind my back and holding my jaw in Alec’s direction so tightly he was bruising my skin. I fidgeted in his grip and while I was sobbing uncontrollably, he whispered in my ear “Oh no no no, babygirl. I want you to watch this veeeery carefully… I want you to learn a little lesson today… Nobody touches what’s mine”.

I couldn’t stay still in the Master’s hands. I couldn’t stand that view anymore but he was so massive and definitely stronger than me at that time. On the corner of my eye, on the left, I saw a couple of other guards holding a man: Alec’s father. His face was stoic, his body firm. He didn’t even notice me: he was "watching carefully, trying to learn a little lesson that day".

When they were done with Alec, the Master let go of me and my body fell heavily on the ground, exhausted. Alec was left on the ground, lifeless and alone. His dad immediately walked away as I crawled to Alec's body, calling his name softly “Alec… Alec… “. My hands stood in front of his black and blue face. I didn’t dare to even touch him like I was in front of something unreal.

Words seemed to get trapped in my throat and my mind completely blanked out. I don’t know how much time passed, but at a certain point, a sweet voice whispered in my ear “Let’s go, doll…”. I immediately sensed Nina’s strong hands lifting me and carrying me up to my room. I desperately clung to her body as we made our way back into the building.

That night I did learn a lesson: The Master would have paid for all of that. But revenge is a dish best served cold and the night I escaped from the brothel I left my sister Abigail Alec’s knife: just one knife wouldn’t have been enough for my plan.

˜

Trying to not think about Levi’s lips on me was impossible. Even if I promised to myself to cut him out of my mind, that night I allowed myself to repeat that scene, that feeling several times again in my head until I went numb and fell asleep. I felt helpless against those thoughts and I let them get the better of me. Just for tonight…I thought.

Another day came and I told myself that that fantasy wouldn’t have left my room, it would have died there within its walls. As soon as I see him again, let’s make things clear before anything else happens. Confident, I went straight down to the cafeteria, but Levi was nowhere to be found.

On the right corner of my eye, I sensed Mikasa, shily waving at me, and Sasha energetically gesturing me to join them for breakfast. “Where is Eren?” I said at some point. Well, where is Levi? I actually thought. “I was thinking the same thing…” mumbled Mikasa. “Maybe he’s just with the captain and his squad, or with Hange” suggested Armin, trying to comfort her.

I decided to use that spare time to practice my future speech in my mind. "Levi, let’s stop making out in the kitchen. Ok, thank you for your kind attention, bye". No, this is absolutely ridiculous. I sound like I want to make out somewhere else. Oh, breakfast is over. And as I got up from the table I kept thinking of some other smarter alternatives.

"Levi, don’t you ever kiss me again". Are you sure you want to say that, Daphne? asked that annoying voice in my head. Sure. Absolutely. "Levi, don’t come closer to me ever again ". Okay, maybe that’s a bit much. "Levi, stop...". And as my feet unconsciously followed the others into the hallway and my mind wandered looking for other excuses, I sensed a presence behind me and a hand grabbing my left arm.

Then, suddenly, a warm breath tickled my ear, saying: "When you’re done with the lesson, meet me at the stable. I’ll wait for you". Levi. I instantly froze, unable to take another step forward, and my lips slightly parted, as if I had just seen a ghost.

As soon as I felt that presence moving away from me, a cold shiver ran down my back. He never failed to make me feel so fucking helpless. I turned around and saw the Captain join the rest of the squad, going in the opposite direction. Among the soldiers, I saw Eren, who waved at me and thankfully woke me from that momentary paralysis.

"When you’re done with the lesson, meet me at the stable. I’ll wait for you. When you’re done with the lesson, meet me at the stable. I’ll wait for you. Meet me at the stable. I’ll wait for you. I’ll wait for you". Stop, stop, stop. STOP. This must end now.

When we arrived in the classroom, we were greeted by a couple of team leaders standing in front of a huge green board. A few steps from them Commander Erwin Smith was waiting for us all to take the seat. As soon as he got our full attention, he started talking "Cadets, welcome. Before class starts, I wanted to carve out a moment to talk to you".

I looked around quickly. Everyone seemed completely fascinated by Erwin’s words. The only thing I could think of, looking at him, was a huge fucking obstacle, the wall standing between me and my true freedom. "The next expedition will start in less than 48 hours. I hope no one wants to pull back at this point" he lightly laughed, looking at the other team leaders.

"I hope not... especially since I hope that each of you will understand your invaluable value. Each of you is a key piece in this plan. Each of you is a key piece in the victory of mankind over titans. Your life and death will have meaning far beyond human understanding. Sacrifice your hearts for mankind".

I only needed those 10 minutes in his presence to truly understand Commander Smith. It wasn’t just his always right choice of words, his statuesque physique, or the charm of his reputation. No. It was his aura. It reminded me of the same feeling Levi gave me. They were men of power, because they emanated that power, in their gestures, in their gaze, even in the tone of their voice.

At that point, if Commander Smith had ordered me to make him soup, I would have made it on the spot. "Well, my time is up. See you at the departure, soldiers," he said, looking at us with severity and pride, and then, after our salute, he left.

Shortly after, the squad leader Ness took the floor. He was in charge of making a general explanation for the expedition. He clarified the main goals, the equipment and the distinction of the different colors of the signal flares, and other basic rules. In the afternoon, the various units would have more information from their captains on their position and strategy.

I did my best to concentrate but Levi’s words still echoed in my head. "I’ll wait for you". Commander Erwin had not hesitated to mention our possible - and statistical - death during the mission. If I don’t want to die, I’d better listen more carefully.

Wrong move. Erwin’s speech had a whole other heaviness than Levi’s vague hint. It was life or death, and at that point, I no longer knew which one of those damn two was driving me nuts.

After the lesson, I immediately went to the stable. Look at you, what are you? His puppy? So obedient... Look at you wagging your tail... teased me a voice in my head. I wanted to confront Levi about the other night, now more than ever.

Once at the threshold of the stable I couldn't see anyone and so, I entered the shed starting the monologue that I had prepared before.

"Look, Levi, I don’t have much time to waste... Levi. Where the hell are you... Levi? Are you here?" I have a bad feeling about this. While I was still calling his name, at a certain point someone called mine: "Daphne?". That was definitely not Levi.

Eren jumped out of a corner and I instantly froze. Then he added, "Here you are! We were waiting for you," and so I turned around. Behind my back, the whole - I repeat, the whole - Levi Squad was preparing their horses. Fuck, fuck, fuck, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Among them, Levi was staring at me with his hands on the hips and the smug look of someone who seemed to have just won a bet or something. As if that wasn’t enough, in addition to that temporary shame, seeing Levi after that kiss was just torture. I could still feel his hands and the icy peppermint aftertaste of his breath all over me.

Once I found a crumb of courage, I managed to simulate a shy salute.

"So how did it go with Commander Smith? Did he scare you enough?" Petra asked me, laughing. "Yep" I replied. "C’mon, get a move on," Levi said harshly. I looked at him, quite confused. “I need to talk to you all about the expedition," he added.

"Oh, wait, Captain! Before we go..." Petra started talking again "Here, Daphne, from now on this is yours!". She handed me a green cape with the wings of freedom on the back. Once I wore it, Petra said: "Wow, green is definitely your color, Daphne!"

I looked around and immediately saw Gunther saying, almost blushing, "Indeed. It looks really good on you, Daphne". Then again, I felt that familiar feeling of being watched intensely. I slightly turned my head to intercept Levi’s reaction, who was checking me from head to toe. I don’t know what I’d give to know what’s on his mind sometimes...

"Yeah, sure" Oruo muttered, rolling his eyes and jumping on the saddle. Eld gave me a nod and followed his comrade. The others joined them and then I heard a trot getting closer behind me. Levi was walking towards me with two horses beside him.

Handing me the reins of my horse, he silently approached me, with his usual composed expression. So, I started to say, "Look, Levi, first...", but he immediately interrupted me: "What is it? Were you expecting a romantic rendezvous with me in the stable?"

"No" I quickly answered in a frustrated tone "First of all, I’m sorry for calling you by your name… I didn’t know-“. “I couldn’t care less” he interrupted me and then walked away. “HEY! I’M NOT DONE TALKING!” I shouted back at him. He immediately turned around, looking at me wide-eyed, quite surprised by my tone.

“Secondly…” I coughed “I wanted to talk to you about what happened last night in the kitc-". But Levi didn’t, again, let me finish the sentence, and getting practically under my nose he said: "I think you were pretty clear about it. We shouldn’t have kissed, right?".

I didn’t know what to say and Levi knew perfectly well how uncomfortable he was making me. He tilted his head and raised his eyebrows as if he wanted a quick answer from me. (Poorly) faking a bold attitude, I gave him a wide smile as if to confirm his insinuation and so I began to exit the stable.

But just when I was a few inches away from him, Levi started talking again: "I’m sorry Daphne, I really can’t do this". I couldn’t tell by his tone if he was sad, serious, or almost angry when he said those words. "Me neither, Captain," I told him, showing off the most impassive face I could do, and so I went out, without looking back.

When we reached the others, we set off, riding for a good half an hour. Once we reached an isolated place, we got off the horse and Eld began to explain to us the strategy for the expedition. Our position would have been in the rear. Our only goal was to protect Eren.

"I have reason to believe that Commander Smith is hiding something from us... like a second target of the mission," Eld suggested. "Are you doubting the Commander?" Oruo tried to insinuate. "I’m just saying, there’s a good chance this mission is just a test. A simulation to see if it is possible to reach the district of Shiganshina" Eld declared, instantly interrupting him.

While the rest of the squad seemed to discuss it without much concern, Eren and I were visibly confused. So, I turned around to look for Levi. I needed some reassurance. Meanwhile, he had been on the sidelines, caressing his horse’s mane, enjoying the light breeze of that day. He caught me staring, turned his face and with his lips mimed a "What are you looking at?". This man...

Soon after, Eld specified to Eren and me that those instructions were absolutely confidential and no one outside of our squad should know Eren’s position. We both responded with a firm nod.

Back at the base, Levi coldly dismissed us saying: "Well, that’s all for today. If you want to continue your training, the courtyard is at your disposal. Tomorrow, enjoy your day off. We will meet the day after tomorrow, at dawn, before departure. You can go now"

I looked at Levi one last time. So that’s it? That’s really it? I thought.

That night and the whole next day I did my best to escape Levi. At meals, I tried to avoid his table, and I dedicated the day before the expedition trying to make be more friendly with the other soldiers. "Be more sociable," you said to me that night, right? So, I’ll do my best, Captain.

After dinner, I was invited by Eren to spend some time together with the other before the departure. The concern for the next expedition was getting heavier and the mere thought of having to socialize more hourse did nothing but make the situation worse. So, I went to the kitchen to get a cup of chamomile tea. I needed to calm down.

LEVI’S POV

I started to believe that castle was haunted for real. That damn kitchen reminded me of those few but indelible memories with Daphne... and yet after a restless wandering in the halls I found myself there again, on the doorstep looking at her as she stared out of the window.

I watched her take the pot from the stove and pour it somewhere, maybe into the cup she supposedly had prepared before. I started to make my way into the room, trying to come up with something reasonable to say to her.

As soon as I got close to her, Daphne turned around. "Captain" she saluted me coldly and then left without adding anything else, holding in her hands the fuming cup. Say something, you idiot, I ordered myself. But nothing came out.

As soon as I realized I was alone in the room a growl of frustration slipped out of my mouth. Damn it. But maybe it was a sign for both of us to forget about what happened between us. Nothing. It meant nothing.

Then, looking up from the ground, I noticed something strange on the cabinet: another fuming cup, placed on a tiny tissue, on which my name had been written.

[tirorah]

’Minna’s Sky’ is Road to Berlin’s Crowning Achievement

A long time ago, in a universe far, far away, three young girls met each other during a war: Minna, the caring leader; Gertrud, the stalwart defender; and Erica, the lazy prodigy who kept them smiling.

As the fighting continued, a friendship began to form. And now, years later, that friendship lies at the heart of something truly exceptional.

Minna’s Sky is the culmination of twelve-and-a-half years of relationship development, and it gives this special trio the sendoff it deserves. I was overcome with conflicting emotions while I watched this episode; when it finished, I was left shaken and almost lost for words.

…Which is why I wrote an essay on it! And that entire essay is contained under the cut, so you’d best buckle up and hold onto something, because today we’re diving into what I believe to be the pièce de résistance of Strike Witches.

In a previous post speculating on what Minna’s Sky could hold—which, by the way, was thoroughly proven wrong—I took a moment to outline my love for Minna and my frustration with her neglect. Initially, this trend continued in Road to Berlin: in episodes 6 and 8, the characters were faced with circumstances that would’ve been greatly helped by a Witch with Space Understanding magic. Of course, I understand why the writers chose to exclude Minna from these events; having Minna there would’ve negated the drama of Trude thinking Erica was dead, and of Sanya and Eila clashing over conflicting sensory reports.

But Minna’s episode hit back hard. If RtB is Strike Witches’ magnum opus, then Minna’s Sky may well be RtB’s masterpiece among masterpieces. It combines the intensity and raw emotion of Hounds of Vengeance with a ticking time bomb that ratchets up the tension all the way through, finishing with a series of events that makes you feel like anything can happen.

Role Reversal

Minna’s Sky starts with a surprise right away. In episode 8, Minna and Trude expressed anxiety over losing their magic. At this point they’re just under three months removed from their 20th birthdays, where decay will certainly start to set in. But in this episode, we learn Minna’s already feelings the effects. At first this confused me, as their birthdays are only nine days apart, but I do recall seeing something about how Trude’s magical reserves are pretty large, second only to Yoshika’s. I can’t find my source for that, but this could be an explanation for Minna’s earlier decline.

Trude notices Minna’s flagging strength, and at that point, a switching of roles takes place.

Minna, who once held Mio at gunpoint for refusing to give up on flight, is now doing the same thing. She’s still herself, but she essentially slips into Mio’s previous role. She takes this burden upon herself and stops communicating with the others over it, even avoiding them during mealtime.

Last episode, we could see her mask starting to slip, and here, all her logic and serenity fades, replaced with a wholly emotional desire. She and her girls have worked so hard to get here, and she wants to uphold her vow of retaking Berlin, so she makes the decision to give this fight everything she has, despite the danger involved.

This puts her at odds with Trude, who slides into the calm and perceptive role Minna used to fill.

You know, Trude may be my favorite character of all time, but she hasn’t always been handled well. In Season 1, she was a great balance of the calm and quiet supporter, and the stern disciplinarian who thought yelling at Erica would make her get up earlier. In Season 2, this equilibrium was lost; it leaned much more into her anger, and there were precious few moments of Trude being the gentle and tender woman I know she can be. The movie had the same problem, as it had to reintroduce eleven characters in one sitting. Operation Victory Arrow worked hard to remedy this problem, focusing on smaller casts which gave them time to show different sides of themselves—like Minna and Trude having breakfast like a married couple. Ahem.

This is one reason why RtB has been so gratifying for me. It knows what it’s doing with Trude and while she’s certainly had some angry moments, RtB has built her up as a more mature, level-headed executive officer. Consequently, it feels natural for her to take up the position Minna would usually hold in this type of situation.

Even when she privately confronts Minna over her magic, there is no anger, only attempts to reason her friend out of her decision. But Minna doesn’t want Kiel to be lost, and at that moment, it’s made clear that she prioritizes Operation Southwind over her own well-being.

And this is entirely contradictory with what she usually tells her girls! Like I said before, the 501st is a circle of love, and while that love motivates them to fight for one another’s sakes, as Sanya did, it now leads Minna down a path of self-sacrifice that would’ve absolutely killed her if it was one of her girls doing it. Moreover, with Trude now filling Minna’s role, she’s the one pleading with Minna not to go, and like Minna once failed to stop Mio, Trude now fails to stop Minna.

This causes inner turmoil. Trude doesn’t want to lose Kiel, but if Minna perishes, she’d never forgive herself. Like she said in Hounds of Vengeance, when she thought Erica was dead, retaking Berlin would have no point if Minna wasn’t there to celebrate it with them.

It says something, then, that Trude chooses to go along with Minna’s wishes, and even keeps her waning magic a secret from the others. Instead of declaring Minna unfit for battle—which I imagine she has every right to do—she instead becomes Minna’s most ardent protector, immediately volunteering for the high-risk operation. When Minna becomes anxious and nearly makes a mistake, Trude is there to rein her in and calm her down. Minna even comments on how this would usually be the other way around.

Fortunately, Minna is better at this self-sacrificing stuff than Mio is. While she initially uses her desire to protect Kiel to justify her actions, a heartfelt campfire scene shows us that she’s aware of the ramifications her death would have. As Erica complains about their fake coffee, Minna promises to make her a proper batch when they return; Trude tells her not to make such promises, but Minna reassures her she’ll come back safe, and even proposes they go to a café together once Berlin is retaken. On the surface, they’re making plans for the future; but underneath, it’s an implied message to Trude: I understand. I’m not going out to die. I’ll come back.

Isn’t that first pic just the cutest Trude shot ever, by the way?

And Trude is pacified. She places her trust in Minna and continues to support her as best she can.

Of course, things are never that simple. Minna succeeds at her objective, and just when the episode seems to be steering to a happy conclusion, the Hive screeches and loads up all its rockets at the same time. As Trude once again begs her to stop, she does the unthinkable: she cuts the line and dives into a suicide run, breaking one promise to keep another.

The facial expressions and body language have been god-tier in RtB.

I must commend Tanaka Rie here. I’ve often complimented Sonozaki Mie (who voices Trude) for her impeccable delivery, but Tanaka Rie is equally excellent, possibly better in some departments (like range, just hear her role in Mai Otome for example). Here, as Negai no Tomoshibi starts playing in the background, the gravity of the scene rests entirely on Tanaka’s voice work. And boy, does she nail it! The exhaustion, the desperation, the sheer will, it’s all there. Her desperate pants and cries at the end are especially powerful, and they make this scene even more dramatic when she faints right after.

Trude manages to catch her—and only Trude was there, because 1: we only saw Trude catching her; 2: the hand we see is Minna’s left, and in the next shot, Trude is carrying her right arm instead; and 3: we only saw one blue dot in the Hive, and the episode previously established one dot was one Witch.

Ahem! Trude catches her and brings her back, and she…breaks down.

Wow. Trude doesn’t cry easily, you know. We’ve seen her depressed, despondent, even heard her sob as she told Yoshika to leave her behind, but until Hounds of Vengeance, we’d never seen Trude cry. While that one ended in a victorious moment, here the emotion is allowed to run its course, and it’s heartbreaking. Trude doesn’t just cry, she weeps, and as she yells and screams at Minna that she could never follow an order that would involve leaving Minna behind, her facial expressions convey just how terrified she truly was.

I said earlier that Minna switched to Mio’s role, and while that’s true, there’s something even more poetic at work here: this episode mirrors Season 1’s Episode 4 in some places, to the point that I feel like it has to be on purpose. That’s one reason why I made this photoset. Just look at this:

Oh look, more apologizing! These two are so emotionally responsible to one another. It’s always good to see.

The roles are shown as reversed, with Trude crying and reprimanding Minna, and Minna apologizing for her actions and agreeing on a better path forward.

Sexy Gal

I also need to devote some space to Erica here. She wasn’t as prominent—Minna and Trude’s bond took center stage—but this episode is probably the best showcase of Erica’s qualities. We already saw her surviving in the woods and rationing her chocolate three episodes prior, but here, it’s clear more than ever what her role is in the Karlsland Trio’s support structure: the morale boost.

In the “Erica Hartmann 1941” manga, we’re shown how Erica becomes a ray of hope for everyone, and especially Minna and Trude, whom she begins to develop a friendship with at that time. It’s this aspect which is finally on full display here: while she’s not as overt with her support as Trude is, she helps in her own way, and her easy-going personality consistently puts a smile on her friends’ faces. That’s why it’s so important that it’s Erica who makes Minna laugh—not once, but twice. In a group where the other two members have their fair share of baggage, Erica is a breath of fresh air and equally important.

Rising Tension

Okay, with the character work out of the way, let’s look at the episode’s story. Because holy crap, I felt like I was watching a movie! At first, I was a little annoyed by some of the stiff animation (especially for RtB’s standards). I was afraid they were going to half-ass Minna’s episode. But as the episode proceeded and absolutely everything got better and better, I realized I was in for a very special ride.

I’ve always had the opinion that Strike Witches is at its best when it plays its war drama straight, but it’s not as simple as striking the serious tone and having the characters fight for their lives. Strike Witches isn’t a pure action show; the stakes in battle often revolve around the characters overcoming their flaws, struggling to protect the world and those they hold dear. Thus, Strike Witches relies on its lighter moments to develop the cast so that when danger comes to them, your emotional investment in the characters helps to create additional tension.

In general, RtB has been great at this, but for me personally, the most emotionally intense episode prior to Minna’s Sky was Episode 6: Hounds of Vengeance.

But that one was different. It started off with relatively low tension, then brought it up to full when Erica was left behind and Trude had a meltdown over it. But when it’s revealed that Trude isn’t just moping around, and that she’s working on a plan, the tension evens out. The central question goes from ‘Will Erica survive?’ to ‘How awesome will Trude be in this episode?’ The climactic action is triumphant, and although Trude’s reaction to Erica’s ‘body’ is heartbreakingly real, we as viewers know that Erica is fine; in fact, she hasn’t seemed that down at all, obviously having faith in her rescue.

Episode 9 doesn’t do that. It immediately confronts you with Minna’s magic issue and her hiding it from her friends, then pretends to be innocent for a while, with Patton being an idiot and Ursula introducing her helmet gun. (“It’s a helmet, with a gun on it.” NO, REALLY?) But as soon as the Komet is introduced, the pressure builds and it never lets up.

It all comes to a head when the trio (plus Ursula) reaches the launch point. Minna’s been dropping death flags all episode, and now things go haywire over and over. An hour left? Nope, the Neuroi spotted you and moved up the rocket’s launch. Barely enough time to intercept the rocket? Hey, there’s that Neuroi that beat the two top aces of the world in single combat, and it’s coming to stop you. Thirty seconds to go for the fuel? The Neuroi gets past Trude and Erica and nearly destroys the Komet, hurts Ursula and blows up one of their trucks. Trude and Erica get it away from there? Oh look, the Hive’s about to launch!

We then get an epic scene where Minna takes off, uses her magic, and destroys the rocket. Speaking of which, I didn’t say anything about this when I talked about episode 8, but I’m so happy we finally get to see some of the Witches’ magic from their point of view! Seeing Eila’s future sight was haunting, and Minna’s is awesome to see as well. Erica and Trude manage to finish off their quarry, showing their skill and adaptability; it seems their prior experience means they’re better prepared to deal with its unique movements this time around.

Erica asks for chocolate and grumbles when Trude tells her she’ll get some later. Minna laughs, but there’s still that tension because Minna’s fuel is almost up, and she’s hanging around that damn Hive.

And then the Hive loads up all its rockets at once, and all hell breaks loose. Trude loses control of the situation as Minna goes on a suicide run, and then the insert song starts playing. It’s difficult to explain the impact of that song without simply showing you the episode. The moment that piano hits, it feels as though a veneer of tragedy descends upon the scene. The Komet nearly stops working, and Minna is on her last legs, and she’s reduced to nothing but cries and gasps. She faints moments after she destroys the last rocket.

And then the music gets louder as Minna plummets into the Hive, red slowly filling the screen. We’re treated to a long shot of Minna falling into the swirling, angry clouds, her tiny form fading into its mass. And at that point I freaked the fuck out.

It was somewhere around Season 2’s finale and watching the movie that I realized Strike Witches doesn’t kill off characters. Let’s just say killing a beloved character probably wouldn’t work too well for future sales. (“Hey, look at this awesome figure of the girl who died! Don’t you just love her? We’ll accept your tears as interest.”) If Mio of all people can have plot armor rivaling the size of the planet, then Minna sure as hell won’t perish here.

And yet, for a fleeting moment, I was absolutely terrified she would. All because of the masterful tension of this episode, and this entire fight scene in particular.

Fortunately, Trude manages to locate Minna in the clouds and brings her back, and the viewer can finally breathe easier as we head to the happy ending they deserve.

…Oh right, the ending.

Yuri alert

Let me start off by saying this ending is complete bullshit. It feels shoehorned in—no, I don’t care what historical event it’s referencing—and it doesn’t fit the tone of the episode at all.

Having said that, as much as this made me laugh (even more than Trude’s literal asspull in Hounds of Vengeance) it did get one thing completely right: yes, Ursula, it IS very beautiful. The love between these three is great. What kind of love that exactly is, I’m not entirely sure anymore.

Yes, you’re going to roll your eyes at this—oh no, she’s going to rant about Minna x Trude again—but…I was watching this ending, right, and I could almost hear the gears in my brain turn as I tried to process this image. Emotionally, I felt like this ending was communicating love of a different sort.

Look, for all I know they’re just best buds who’ve come to deeply rely on one another for emotional and psychological stability, but my god, this ending definitely felt like a ‘oh by the way, the three of them are married to each other’ signal to me. I’m not joking!

Does that make Minna x Trude canon, even as part of an OT3? No. In fact, for all the delightful Minna x Trude subtext this episode had…

Deflection by way of flirtation. Oh là là~!

…Trude did all but confess to Erica in episode 6, and later this week, Mio might finally return in a big way and might have screen time with Minna. But my point is, in that moment, my ship felt realer than ever. In that respect, this episode gave me more than I ever thought I’d receive.

Insert clever ending header here

Right, so that’s my ramble on Minna’s Sky. I hope I’ve managed to get across why I believe it’s the best episode of the entire series. The character writing was top-notch, the tension was through the roof, the music was evocative and the animation was beautiful. Barring an absolutely spectacular final three episodes (and I wouldn’t put it past RtB to deliver that), I think this is as good as it gets. It’s not easy to beat emotional stakes that were established twelve years ago, after all.

Minna’s Sky was absolutely the episode Minna deserved, and I was very happy to see the Karlsland Trio getting its spot in the limelight as we gradually draw closer to the ending. It’s their home they’re trying to take back, after all. And while I have no doubt Minna will continue to fly until the end of the season (she seems to be fine in the preview), Operation Southwind will most likely be the bookend to Minna and Trude’s careers.

I can only hope this won’t be the last we see of Minna and Trude. I’d love it if we got to see their lives after Karlsland’s liberation, either as supporting members of the Wing or trying to live normal lives after fighting a war for nearly a decade. (Shameless plug: I have a Minna x Trude fanfic which explores the latter.)

But most of all, I don’t want Road to Berlin to end.

[omoi-no-hoka]

Rural Life and Mental Health in Japan as a Gaijin

Heads up: This is a very long, personal post about mental health and the stresses of living in rural Japan as a foreigner. If it’s not what you’re looking for in this blog, please feel free not to read it. If you can’t tell by the gif above, this isn’t going to be a very positive post because I’m not in a very positive mood.

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It’s been just shy of five and a half years since I moved to Hokkaido, the northernmost island/prefecture in Japan. In many ways, it’s similar to the American Midwest, which is the region I’m originally from. It’s big on agriculture, it’s got lots of nature and rural areas, winters are long and nasty, and the people have a warmth that make up for the cold snow and ice outside. Heck, even a lot of the flora and fauna are the same.

I think of my current city as my “Japanese hometown” because it was where I stayed during my first trip to Japan and it’s where my hostparents from that time are. I love it here like I love my country bumpkin village of 2,800 back in the states.

But after a little over two years of living and working in this city, I think I need out. I am...tired of it in many ways.

特別扱い Tokubetsu Atsukai, “Special Treatment”

Prior to living in this city, I lived in Sapporo, which has a population of 2 million. There, no one batted an eye at a foreigner walking the streets. A lot of them were surprised that i could use Japanese, but a good few people were used to gaijin that could use nihongo and read kanji.

But in my current city, I have experienced all of the following things, some of which on a daily basis.

DISCLAIMER: I have also had a LOT of very positive experiences with the people of this city. Most of my experiences have been positive or neutral, but a good 40% have been as described below.

Everywhere I go, I am openly stared at. Gawked at, at times. (I am your standard-looking, standard-dressed, slightly overweight white girl. No visible tattoos, piercings, vibrant hair color, or otherwise attention-grabbing aspects about me other than the fact that i am clearly not Japanese.)

I am often spoken to like I am mentally disabled, or if I am with a Japanese person, they will refuse to speak to me and instead speak to my Japanese companion.

I have entered restaurants on my own and had waitstaff make a big “X” with their arms and say “No English” immediately upon seeing my non-Japanese face.

I have had waiting taxi drivers drive off instead of allow a troublesome foreigner into their car.

I have sat down alone at a bar and had the Japanese people beside me openly gossip about me with the assumption that I could not understand them.

When searching for apartments when I moved to this city, I was denied 75% of my picks because they have a “no gaijin” rule. Despite the fact that I can speak and read, that I have a good job and valid visa, and that I have already lived here 3 years without a single late rent payment or complaint against me.

I have built up casual relationships with employees at grocery stores, etc. I frequent, and they have asked me for my contact info because, in their own words, “I’ve always wanted a gaijin for a friend!” In Japan, every girl wants a token gaijin friend instead of a token gay friend.

I have gone on dates with Japanese men who clearly just wanted a white girl to hang on their arm like a piece of swag and insist on taking me to a pasta place because “You must prefer western food to Japanese food” or insisting that I dye my hair blonder to look more foreign.

I am just...so very tired of this 特別扱い (special treatment).

I don’t want to call it 差別 (prejudice) because, the majority of the time, Japanese people think they are doing me a kindness by speaking slowly and simply, or by telling me as soon as possible that they cannot help me in English, etc. While a couple of the above experiences are straight up racism (I’m looking at you, asshole taxi drivers and landlords), most of them are a misguided form of “omotenashi,” a.k.a. Japanese hospitality.

So I try very hard not to let it get to me, because I know that they don’t wish ill upon me. But I’ve worked so goddamn hard to learn this language and speak it well, and it is so frustrating for the people around me to assume that I can’t do what has been my freaking life goal. Or having people assume I can’t understand slightly difficult words and dumb down their language (Even colleagues I’ve worked with for two years now!). In the middle of a conversation they’ll say things like, “It’s hard to deal with that level of animosity--oh wait, omoi-no-hoka-san, sorry, ‘animosity’ means ‘dislike.’”

They mean it in a helpful way, but it just comes across as very condescending and I end up thinking, Oh, so they think my Japanese proficiency is so low i can’t understand that word. Which sends me into doubt over whether my language skills are actually that deficient, or whether I am speaking in a way that makes myself look at bad at Japanese.

The Effects of 特別扱い (Special Treatment)

It’s been gradual, but over the past two years, I have found myself withdrawing from the outside world. I got bad at replying to friend’s messages. I started making excuses to avoid meeting up and hanging out. I would buy all the groceries i needed to last me through the weekend on Friday after work and not emerge until Monday morning to go back to work. Even though I really love the outdoors and used to spend entire days just riding my bike along the river trails here.

...But in the past few months I’ve become unable to answer even close friends’ phone calls and messages. And I’ve even had a hard time phoning my parents, which is crazy because ever since I left home for uni I’ve called my mom on a daily basis. When I think about stepping outside of my apartment, no matter the reason or destination, I am gripped by a dread so strong I nearly throw up. I have gone a couple weekends without food because it would require me leaving my apartment to buy some, or paying for very expensive delivery which also means interacting with whoever is bringing me that food.

I’ve had a stressful summer and fall at work, and that undoubtedly has contributed to my current anxiety overload. But things have settled down at work for the past month now, and not only have I been given an award that only 2% of employees get globally, recently I have been in talks to take on what is very nearly a dream position for me within the company that is a BIG step up career-wise. I have great bosses who recognize my efforts, who listen to what I have to say, and do what they can to help when I tell them I’m in over my head.

But I have had several days where I have woken up, gotten ready for work, and just frozen at my apartment door, too sick at the thought of going outside. And yet, I can’t stand the thought of calling in sick because I feel chronic, self-imposed guilt when I take a day off, no matter the reason. So I call in to work and tell them I have a stomachache and will be in once it’s gone, (which isn’t an absolute lie), and then drag myself into work within a couple hours.

And once I enter the office, do the obligatory bow and apology for being late and causing inconveniences, the dread and anxiety vanish and I am fine until it is time for me to go outside to return home.

This makes me think that work is not a main stressor right now. It doesn’t matter if I’m going to the convenience store or the grocery store or work or anywhere. I think the constant being stared at everywhere I go has gradually accumulated to become a nasty form of social anxiety. I used to have panic attacks in middle school and high school due to home life, but since removing myself from that environment they’ve gone away. I’ve always been a socially-reserved person who shies away from the spotlight, and despite telling myself a thousand times, “Let them look at you--you’re just being you and they’re being them and that’s OKAY,” I just can’t brush it off. I have very, very seriously considered dyeing my hair from its natural brown to black in an effort to blend in, if only slightly. Which is laughable, but that’s just how much it bothers me to stand out.

But the event that really sounded the alarm for me was when my best friend of 10 years, a Japanese girl whom I met by chance my freshman year of uni, who was my roommate for 4 years of uni, who let me sleep on her living room floor here in Japan for 3 months until my work visa came through, who has been with me through thick and thin, sent me a message asking when she could drop off a souvenir for me and

I couldn’t bring myself to reply to her text.

That was when I very clearly knew that I was too deep in this funk to get myself out on my own, and I had to figure out how to get help.

Frankly, despite having struggled with panic attacks and anxiety in the past, I have never sought professional help. Until now, I never felt that my symptoms were so bad that they warranted medication. But the fact that i can’t contact my mother or my best friend, that I would rather not eat anything for two days instead of go outside, means that snorting essential oils and rubbing rose quartz against my temples or whatever isn’t going to be enough.

Mental Health Views in Japan

It’s not exactly a secret that the approach to mental health in Japan is “sweep it under the rug.” You do not talk about it. You may go to a doctor and receive medication, but you do not get counseling, because that involves talking about it. You do not tell your friends. You do not tell your family. You DEFINITELY do not tell your coworkers.

I saw my boss, T, fall into a very similar spiral to my own this summer. Stomach aches in the morning, coming in late, making excuses to get out of outings outside of work, not replying to messages, not sleeping well. And then one day he just vanished. Didn’t show up one Monday.

T wouldn’t respond to our messages so we had to contact his mother to get a hold of him. And once she had confirmed that she had spoken to him and scolded him for being “selfish” by skipping work, my coworkers were satisfied because, in their words, “Now that we know he’s still alive, we don’t have to worry.”

Honestly, that was one of the most fucked up reactions to any situation I have ever seen. I was shocked, because these coworkers truly cared for him, but their mutual reaction to this was to just...let him languish.

T announced to a select number of supervisors/colleagues that he had been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and would be stepping down from his position. He said that he had been diagnosed years ago, but had not disclosed it because he knew that he would never be promoted if anyone knew.

And that’s one of the big reasons that no one wants to talk about their mental illness here. In Japan, having a mental illness is a shameful thing. It shows that you’re weak, that you can’t keep up with everyone else, that you are flawed in a way that will adversely affect those around you at one point or another.

But my company really is a great company and the people in charge are progressive. T has a lot of great skills and experience, and they didn’t want to let him go. So they told him that they would find someone to fill his current role, but once he had rested and gotten better, they wanted him to come back and do a position that he used to do, one that he really shined in and enjoyed. And that is where he’s at now, and he’s doing much better for it.

So, having seen all of this unfold mere months ago, I grappled with how much I should tell my employers. The talk of this new and big position in Tokyo was underway, yet I knew that I wouldn’t be able to handle it unless I got better.

So I bit the bullet, and on the night that I couldn’t respond to my best friend’s text, I sent my boss a message, explaining my symptoms, how long they’d been going on, what I thought the causes were, and that I wanted to take the morning off to see a doctor about it sometime that week.

And I was really shocked by his reply.

This boss is the guy that filled T’s position, and i didn’t know him that well yet. As it turns out, he used to be a counselor before he joined this company. He told me that I could go to the doctor whenever I wanted, but that he also wanted to talk in person about this the next day.

The next day he called me into the conference room with one other manager, a guy I really trust and like. When T vanished, shit really hit the fan at the office and it was basically this manager and me keeping us afloat for the first couple weeks, so we’ve got a lot of camaraderie going. They asked me to talk more about what was going on, why I was feeling all this anxiety, etc.

And it was during this conversation that I saw the division between the traditional Japanese views of mental health and modern views of mental health.

When I explained to them both why I wanted to see a doctor and try medication, their reactions were mixed. My boss, the former counselor, said that if I thought it was best, trying out medication for a few weeks was a good idea.

The manager looked doubtful and said, “But do you really think that going to a doctor and getting pills from him will fix everything? If you’re diagnosed, what will your colleagues think? I thought you wanted that promotion.”

In that moment i felt intense fear and regret, as well as hurt. T had said that he had withheld his diagnosis for this very reason. A part of me had wanted to think it was paranoia on his part, but now I realized that he had been right to keep it a secret. This manager, whom I knew very well and trusted deeply, clearly was of the opinion that a diagnosis/medication = evidence of weakness.

So I ended up lying and telling them, “I’ll go to the doctor just to get some sleeping pills.” (I’ve been waking up every hour on the hour for a couple months now.) Sleeping pills aren’t frowned upon in Japan and the manager was pleased with this decision.

And after that manager left, I told my boss the truth, that i would be getting anti-anxiety meds as well because I really thought it was necessary, and that I would appreciate him not disclosing it unless he was required to, which he agreed to.

Seeing a Psychiatrist in Japan

So now i had to find a psychiatrist and make an appointment. A Google search provided me horrors. Below is an excerpt of a Google review of a certain mental health clinic in my city, and the record of the exchange between the doctor and reviewer (patient). I’m not going to translate it all because it’s long, but these are some highlights of the doctor’s words directly to the patient.

“You can’t sleep? I can’t sleep either. What, do you want some pills for it?”

“You can’t expect me to believe what a patient says.”

(After he made the patient cry) “You are being so difficult. Could you stop crying?”

He gives her medication, has silent nurses send her out to the waiting room where she continues to cry, and the doctor comes to the waiting room and says, “Could you hurry up and pay and leave?”

Having read this, I was filled with absolute fear. Maybe I was better off trying to fix this on my own after all.

But I kept searching, and I also learned that my city hall has a 心の相談窓口 (Kokoro no Soudan Madoguchi), “Mind Consultation.” You can call them to learn information about what sorts of mental health facilities/options are available in your area. A very kind lady there informed me that it takes about 2-3 months to get in to any psychiatrist in this city, most of them do not take new patients, and that counseling is almost non-existent. Unless I was a harm to myself or others, I would have to wait. However, there was one general hospital in the city that had one psychiatrist staffed. This hospital has no reservation system whatsoever (very common in Japan) and takes a set number of patients in the morning and evening. I could try my luck to get in and see her.

So that was what i did, and I was able to see her on the first morning I went! I think the Kokoro no Soudan Madoguchi lady made it sound harder to get into so I wouldn’t feel let down if it didn’t work out the first time I went.

Having read the horror story above, I had a lot of trepidation stepping into the exam room with her and two nurse secretaries. I had expected it to be a very clinical, dry exchange of symptoms and a sufficient prescription with a token お大事に。

And, more than anything, I had feared that she would say something like, “Maybe you should just go home to your own country where you wouldn’t stand out.”

But she asked me a wide range of questions, with none of them focusing on the fact that I was a gaijin: what my symptoms were, how long they’d been going on, what I had going on in my life, what work was like, past history of anxiety, etc., and she and the nurses all truly listened to what i had to say. It was clear that she cared about the underlying causes and me as a person.

She told me that it sounded like I was experiencing a buildup of stress and anxiety and that she wanted me to try a low dose of anti-anxiety meds and sleeping pills for a week and then come back for another discussion.

That was 3 weeks ago. I’ve since been in the process of working with her to find the right combination of medication. Fun fact: they prescribe you Rohypnol (roofies) for sleeping meds in Japan if they deem your insomnia is serious enough. So. That is interesting.

Where I Am Now

I am keeping my boss informed of my condition and he is still very supportive. He seems to have informed his bosses of my tribulations to some extent, because they have gone out of their way to check in on me and see how I’m doing, which is very kind of them. Of course, they also know that i went above and beyond the call of duty for several months in a row until recently, and they could simply be asking because of that. Either way, I am touched that they would think of me, as I am a lowly translator for a lesser project and they are quite a ways up on the corporate ladder.

I am still in talks about taking on a very exciting position in Tokyo HQ, despite one of those bosses likely being aware of my situation to some extent. I used to dread the thought of Tokyo because I am a country girl who needs to see green, but recently I’ve come to the tough decision that I need to leave my beloved Japanese hometown, just like i left my American one. I love them, but I do not belong in them. I have visited the Tokyo HQ quite a few times, and there are a ton of foreigners in the area so I don’t stand out at all. I think that as long as I can live reasonably close enough to a park, I can satisfy my needs for nature while lessening my social anxiety.

I am having good days and bad days where it is still hard for me to leave the house. But I am having more good days than bad now. And today I was finally able to send a text message back to my best friend. Which really doesn’t seem like a lot, but it is a lot to me. My friend is supportive and understanding, which means the world to me.

I’m getting back to being me. 💗

p.s.: The gif at the top of this is from the anime Mushishi, which I think illustrates various mental illnesses and their effects in a very metaphoric way.