#then i watched the last two w a friend at con

[theenderwalker]

my genloss watch count . btw . is currently

spirit: 3

warehouse: 5

choice: 5

and i think i have plans to watch the finale with another person tomorrow

[perlelune]

Tag, You’re It | Ethan Landry | ii.

Happy, carefree college days meet their abrupt end when every guy who approaches you mysteriously turns up dead.

Warnings: NON-CON, Stalking, Bimbo!Reader, Clueless Reader, Loss of Virginity, Incel Ethan, Cheerleader Reader, Skin Carving (w/knife), Canon Typical Slashing, Voyeurism, Kidnapping

This is a dark story. Heed warnings before reading under the cut.

𝖘𝖊𝖗𝖎𝖊𝖘 𝖒𝖆𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙

The party’s already in full swing when you arrive at the OKB house. While getting ready, you lost track of time. Putting the finishing touches on your hair and nails took longer than you planned. 

You dodge the bodies swaying to the loud music to make your way to your friends through the swirling blue lights. 

Mindy spots you right away and waves at you. 

"Not bad, freshman," she praises as you twirl in front of her and Mindy to show off your nurse costume decorated with splashes of fake blood.  

They’re both sprawled on the couch, limbs twined. Expectedly, only Anika made the effort to don anything resembling a costume, a pumpkin-colored hat with a bloody knife poking out of it sitting atop her head. 

Mindy even bothering to come considering what happened the last time she attended a frat party is already a huge effort on her part. 

You chat for some time, sharing the latest news regarding your friends. 

 You learn that apparently Tara got into it with her sister…again.

A lot of tension has built between the two of them lately, Sam’s protectiveness clashing with Tara’s craving for independence. 

Maybe Sam’s been overdoing…but who can blame her?

Those two have been through hell and back. 

"Have you guys seen Connor?" 

While you attempt to sound casual, even tossing a shrug, Mindy sees right through you and flashes you a teasing grin. 

"One-track minded, huh?"

Your face warms. "Sorry, I just…I really looked forward to seeing him."

Anika gives your hand an encouraging squeeze. 

"It’s okay, babe. To be young and in love."

"And horny," Mindy adds, dragging a quick eye over your outfit as her smile broadens. 

Her comment sparks more heat in your cheeks. Sure, things between you and Connor are growing steamier. But you don’t want to rush anything. You like him, and you want your first time to be special, romantic.

"I’ll see you guys later."

"Have fun," Mindy says, waving her beer bottle at you.

Your search resumes and you grow nervous, pondering if Connor is even in attendance. Maybe you missed him. Downsides of running late. 

Damn you and your tendency to spend hours dolling yourself up. 

 As you wander across the room, you nearly crash into a familiar broad, muscular back.

An easy smile creeps on your face when your friend turns to face you. 

"Hi."

"Hey, looking good."

"You too, cowboy."

You’re pretty certain Chad’s never looked bad a day in his life. There’s a reason why he’s the most popular player on the team, and one of the most sought-after guys at Blackmore. Well…several, starting with the fact that his hotness is only matched by his unwavering kindness to everybody he meets. 

You suppose if you hadn’t known him for so long, you’d harbor a crush on him too. But you’re too familiar with Chad to see him in that light. You still recall when he insisted on wearing a Pokemon onesie for nearly a year. You used to watch cartoons with him and Mindy as children, play together. He’s even tried to get you into Magic: The Gathering at some point but you couldn’t understand how the game works so he gave up. He’s like the brother you never had. 

"So I hear you've met Ethan. He's cool, right?" He throws his muscular arm around Ethan’s neck affectionately. "A whole snack he is. Look at him." An endearing tinge of red decorates Ethan’s cheeks, his gaze fleeing yours. 

It draws a smile from you. You’re glad they’re getting along. 

You tilt your head, gauging his appearance. Confusion fills you.

You’re not exactly sure what Ethan’s costume is supposed to be. A knight perhaps? Either way, it’s original and it suits him.

"Hey again," you greet. 

He lifts two bashful fingers as a response, returning your smile.

"Yeah. I appreciate him helping me out."

Ethan’s chestnut gaze widens at your words. 

College’s busy enough for everyone. It’s incredible of him to offer some of his free time to help you out when it doesn’t benefit him in any way. 

Ethan opens his mouth as if he were about to say something but, before he can speak, someone taps you on the shoulder, beckoning your attention. 

You pivot in your high heels.

Your chest floods with warmth at the sight welcoming you. 

"Hey, gorgeous," Connor hums, giving you an appreciative onceover that turns your legs into jelly. His voice lowers as he approaches you. "I’ve been looking for you all night. Where have you been?"

Your heart skips a beat at his closeness, the scent of his masculine cologne and his mesmerizing blue eyes overwhelming you. 

"Just ran a bit late," you mumble. 

His hooded gaze takes you in as he suggests, "Well, you’re here now. Wanna go hang out in my car?"

Pursing your mouth, you hesitate. 

"I…I don’t know. Is that safe? Mindy says it’s always best to stay in crowded-"

He halts your explanation with a hand under your chin. Bewildered, you gawk at him. 

His pearly whites shimmer in the dusky blue and green hues saturating the room. 

"Do you trust me, gorgeous?"

You blink up at him, dazed and lost in the sea of his gaze. 

"Y-Yes, I do."

"I’ll keep you safe. I promise. Come on."

His hand engulfs yours as Connor begins to drag you toward the exit.

Chad’s deep, concerned voice interrupts the abrupt getaway. 

"Are you sure?" His forehead creases as he inches closer. "You don’t have to do anything you don’t want. You know that, right?" 

At first, you’re a bit confused. 

Then you remind yourself he’s just being protective. Both he and Mindy share that trait. In fact, her attentive eyes carve a searing dent in your skin from the other side of the room. 

Usually, you adore that about them, how caring they are. But right now, you find it a bit much. 

Connor isn’t a threat. He’s just the guy you like, not a serial killer. 

You place a placating hand on Chad’s arm. 

"It’s fine. I trust him. Catch you later, okay?"

He gives a belated nod, his jaw clenching as he stares Connor down, before letting you walk away. 

You wave Ethan goodbye but are somewhat dejected when he stares at you and doesn’t reply, his blank expression unreadable.

Both you and Connor step outside. 

Moonlight bathes the damp pavement in silvery light as you trail behind him. 

He wastes no time once you’ve reached his expensive sports car, pinning you against the hood and kissing you senseless. 

"Fuck, been dying to do this ever since I saw you in that slutty costume," he purrs against your temple. His hands begin to roam over you, impatient fingers fondling your curves. 

When he sneaks under your short dress and tugs at the waistband of your panties, you push against his chest. 

A sudden tide of discomfort swells inside you. 

"Connor…wait. This is going a little fast for me," you giggle.

Ignoring your protests, he keeps kissing you and even turns things up a notch by grabbing a fistful of your ass. You gasp. 

"Just relax. I won’t hurt you, gorgeous."

His weight presses against you, a sizzling cage of need you can’t escape. Tears prick at your eyes. 

"Connor, please…" you whimper.

Annoyance ripples in his tone as the grip on your rear gets firmer. 

"How you’re gonna be a fucking cocktease then give me blue balls, come on, gorgeous."

His tone is light but your chest is heavy. This isn’t how tonight was supposed to go. You hoped Connor would be gentle and nice. 

This isn’t nice. 

And you’re starting to feel a little scared. As the taut bulge in his crotch rubs at your front, your stomach knots.

But things don’t get to wander any further.

In fact, they hit a sudden stop as Connor stills against you. Your brows knit. 

As he chokes on his own breath, blood gushes from his mouth, painting the front of your costume crimson. 

Your eyes widen as his head lolls before he slumps to the pavement with a heavy thud. 

Time stands still when your gaze lifts. 

Your heart slams against your ribcage.

A tall figure clad in black and donning a Ghostface mask is now standing before you.

The blood rushing in your veins makes your ears ring.

The stranger cocks his head, studying you for a few seconds before pouncing on Connor’s prone form like a starved hyena. 

Horror-struck, you gawk as the stranger rains vicious stab after vicious stab upon Connor's writhing body. Each strike draws a shudder from you, more violent than the last and causing scarlet rivers to flow from every part of Connor. 

The world becomes red. 

A scream bubbles in your throat but remains trapped in it, shock striking you mute. 

When Connor's body stops moving, the sickening squish of the blade twisting out of his mangled flesh reaches you. 

With the knife in his hand still dripping blood, its crimson hue catching the moonlight, the killer rises to his feet. 

His focus travels to you. Your insides coil, deadly anticipation gripping you as tight as a fist. 

A gravelly, distorted voice rises beneath the mask. 

"This is the part where you run, princess."

Right…

It’s what happens in those horror movies Mindy had you watch with her, you think. The characters run away, fighting whatever’s chasing them with all their might. 

It’s the sensible thing to do. 

And you want to move. You should move. But you can't. 

Even breathing is toilsome, stilted whimpers and gasps spilling from your chest instead. 

All you can do is peer into the pupil-less gaze of the mask as you crumble into a quivering, sobbing heap onto the pavement. 

The killer inches closer and it's as if your heart jumps out of your chest. 

His blade kisses the trembling flesh of your throat, right above your racing pulse. 

Languid tears roll down your face as he traces your jugular. 

Cool metal slices past your collarbone, to your rapidly heaving chest. 

The song of the night yields to the symphony of fear echoing in your ears. Every scattered heartbeat. Every uneven breath. Every desperate sob.

A sharp stinging blooms in your delicate flesh as he carves oblong patterns on your breast with his knife. 

His motions are slow and focused, as if your skin’s the canvas and his blade the brush. 

Paralyzed, you don’t move. His cloaked figure bends and blurs in your misty vision, more monster than man in the scarce light provided by the street lamps.

He slants his head when he’s done, admiring his handiwork. 

This must be it, you infer, the moment all of it ends. 

Your eyes quake shut as you wait for the inevitable blow. 

You wait… An eternity it seems. 

For the blood. For the agony. For the darkness. 

Yet nothing comes. 

When you open your eyes, Ghostface is gone, the only nightmarish vision before you being that of Connor's body lying unmoving on the pavement. 

You pay no attention to the chaos around you as you pull the thin blanket closer to your frame.

The lights of the ambulance twinkle in your hazy sight. 

Amidst the chatter of shocked students standing in the street behind the yellow tape, the whispers of reassurance of Mindy and Tara fade to white noise in your ears. 

Numb, you gawk as they drag Connor’s body away on a gurney.

For some silly reason, you keep expecting him to rise again, to not be dead.

Because this cannot be real.

This cannot have happened. 

The police ask you a barrage of questions and you give mechanical answers. None of them help and they grow frustrated with you, sparking a heated argument between your friends and the stubborn cop. 

"I’m just doing my job," he insists, raising his hands when Chad gets in his face.

If it weren’t for Detective Bailey vouching for you, you’re not entirely sure you wouldn’t be sitting in the back of a patrol car right now. 

"Can’t you see the kid’s traumatized. She doesn’t know anything," he berates one his co-worker who seemed unwilling to accept your version of events. 

The one where you froze and Ghostface somehow let you live with only a strangely shaped scar on your chest as a souvenir. The one the medic commented looked a little like a heart. 

Absently, you pat the gauze covering the healing wound. 

It's weird…but it hurts your head to ponder why this occurred. The only emotion you can process is the crippling guilt consuming you. 

You’re alive while Connor's cold body is on its way to the morgue.

Your friends gather around you, their warmth chasing away the night’s chill. While Tara and Mindy sit next to you on the pavement, Chad stands protectively in front of you. 

"I-I didn’t do anything, Tara. I just let him…" Your voice cracks, withering into a sob. 

The arm around your shoulder gets tighter.

"Hey, don’t talk like that. It’s not your fault," she feverishly responds.

You open your mouth to argue but close it once it dawns on you that all the energy’s been drained from your body. There is none left in you.

Still, you can’t help but disagree. If it were Tara, her sister, or even Mindy, you bet they’d have fought tooth and nail instead of shrinking and crying like you did. 

You’re the weak link in your group. Not smart enough, or strong enough. 

The thought makes you sob harder. 

Mindy rubs circles on your back. 

You cast a quick glance around before your tearful gaze finds hers. 

"Where’s Anika?"

"She went home. She’s not great with blood. She sends her love though."

You nod at that. If you could, you’d be home too, hugging your stuffed bear and trying your best to forget this awful night ever happened. 

Chad’s irate tone startles you out of your fog. 

"Speaking of people not being here… where the hell is Ethan?" 

You blink up at him, confused as he and Mindy trade a pointed, heavy look.

You don’t get it. 

Sure, Ethan’s new to the group, and the twins are slow to give their trust. You know that. But Ethan? He’s entirely too sweet and kind to have anything to do with this…Right?

Ethan wouldn’t. You’re sure of it. 

~

[cosmicstarlatte]

Coffee Shop (Obey Me!)

━━━━━━━━━━ ✦ ━━━━━━━━━━

You start a new job at a coffee shop in a popular plaza. You can't help but look forward to a certain regular. ♡

»Characters: Demon Bros + Dia + Barb

»Tags: Fluff, Bulleted Style, GN Reader, LeviLeviLevi-

»Notes: lol when was the last time I made a bulleted fic that wasn't a shitpost???🤯 Just simple short fluff lol, reblogs are appreciated + motivating ♡

Lucifer:

Always orders a cafe con leche every morning

Keeps interactions short but you learned his name

Always so serious but he does look like a business man

A very very handsome business man cough

After working there for a little bit he admits he likes the way you make his drink & hates when you guys miss each other on days off

One day he comes in normal clothes & you got caught off guard when he made it to the register

"It's my day off but I was craving my usual. I'm glad to see you're here."

Pleaseee you gotta be blushing right now alalfkfldk

You notice the record store bag he's holding & start a fun conversation while its slow

It does get busier & unfortunately have to cut the conversation to both your disappointments

"We can continue this later...maybe over dinner if you're available?"

Mammon:

Usually gets an icy blended drink, the flavor changes frequently

You see him every other day, it looks like he works at a retail store in the plaza

You thought he was cute & funny despite how loud he could be

One day he defends you against a really rude customer

You say your thank yous & give him his drink for free that day

"Yeah I guess I am a hero. Heroes get free drinks all the time though, ya?"

You couldn't help but laugh & accidentally let slip "you're really cute!"

He starts choking on his drink, stuttering & blushing

He goes silent for a moment before asking, "whaddaya say to a date one of these days?"

Levi:

Usually orders sweet drinks & likes trying seasonal/limited time things

You've seen him at his job at the anime store in the plaza, since you visit there sometimes

You two are on friendly terms even though he can be awkward

You think he's very cute though, especially when he talks about his passions

You felt like you two were dancing around eachother so you decide to make a move

You drew a Gundam robot on his drink & wrote 'Gun-DAM you're cute!'

You nervously handed the drink & he took it without noticing the drawing on it

You watched as he left the shop,took another sip, then stop as he looked at his drink

You could see he was happily freaking out but then abruptly stop

He looked back to the shop & you waved a shy hello

He ran back inside to make sure, "S-sorry is this a mistake? W-was this for someone else??"

"Look on the bottom"

He raised the cup & looked under

Levi, AkuCon this weekend?

Satan:

Usually orders a simple cappuccino but will add a flavored syrup occasionally

Comes in often on his breaks

You've seen him working at the bookstore in the plaza

He looks like a simple guy yet very charming

You always notice a book on him & one day you decide to ask what he's reading

You learn you read the same things & start having fun conversations every time he stops by

Eventually he asks you if you'd be able to give your thoughts on his writing

"Sure, I'd be happy to read it if you bring it!"

He gave you a flirty smile

"Actually I was thinking maybe we could hang out...like somewhere that's not here?"

Asmo:

Always orders an iced vanilla oat milk latte

You see him every few days, really friendly customer that loves to chat & you become friends quick even though you want more

You find out he works at a nearby agency & is an up & coming model

You felt a little intimidated, he could be really famous one day!

Nevertheless you treat him just the same even as those around him changed, he lets you know how grateful he is

One day he comes in upset & tells you the agency is moving across town to a bigger location so he won't be able to see you there anymore

At the same time both of you blurt out

"I still wanna see you!"

Beel:

You never know with this guy

He works in the sports store across from the cafe

He's always indecisive with the menu & one day just tells you to make whatever

You're his fave barista, he thinks you make the best drinks either way

Doesn't realize he just likes everything & has a crush on you

You can't help but get excited when he looks excited to see you golden retriever energy

You find out he's a foodie type & you guys talk about the local spots around town

"Would you like to check out the new sandwich store that opened a few doors down? Uh...like, maybe a date?"

Belphie:

Usually orders a hot regular latte but occasionally orders hot chocolate

He appears to be a student as he comes in often to study & always looks tired

One day on your break you decide to chat him up & offer help on the subject he was struggling with

He thought you were cute & was thankful for your help

After a few weeks of tutoring (+some heavy flirting), he passed his exam flawlessly

"Actually can you help me with one other thing?"

"Yeah, what?"

"Would you like to go on a date sometime?"

Diavolo:

Has a new favorite every week but really likes lattes/teas

You can tell he's important with his assistant present

You wonder why the assistant doesnt just get his order though

Anyway hes hot really friendly & chatty & can tell a few good jokes, you appreciate them!

He always seems reluctant to leave the shop which makes your heart flip

Always leaves a big tip! ... I want him to give me a big tip 😔

The two of you find out you have a lot more in common than you thought

One day he admits that these coffee runs are the things he looks forward to the most since his day is usually very busy & doesn't get much else normalcy

He lets slip that it's mainly seeing you that adds to his joy so he goes all in

"If you're interested, care to join me for dinner this weekend?"

Barbatos:

Always large orders of a few different drinks (part of his job)

Though you notice he always orders tea for himself & likes to buy different tea blends

He's a very (cute) polite customer, one of the few

You two usually chat as you make his large order & you can't help but fall for him

Knowing he loves to buy limited release tea blends, you usually save him one before the cafe sells out

You never tell anyone about it but:

"I appreciate you always saving me one."

"Oh? How did you know!?"

"I have a friend who stopped by earlier & said it was one of those times they missed out. Yet, there always appears to be one for me even after sell-out. Thank you kindly."

You blush at being found out, "seems I've been caught!"

He chuckles & gives you another shock:

"I've been meaning to ask...will you allow me to take you out one of these days?"

⬦You might also like: Customer Service︱Devil-Mart ⭐️︱You Are The Father︱MC feeling Insecure

[slut4thebroken]

The Assignment

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Pairing | Red Hood x reader

Summary | Red Hood takes a rare job. The assignment in question? Punish your father through you.

Warnings | HARD KINKS sexual content, 18+, non con, dub con, gun play, knife play (barely), kidnapping, stockholm syndrome, threats of violence, degradation, objectification, face fucking, choking, fear play

Words | 6k

Notes | please please please read the warnings. While this fic isn’t technically rape because of reader’s mindset, the word is still used multiple times.

Ao3 link | <3

Masterlist

Use of r word. Please don’t read if this will be triggering- this is the last warning.

Eyes fluttering open, you tried to remember where you were and how you got here. You remember going to a club with your friends, then a few hours later waiting outside for them as they used the bathroom before going back to your friend’s apartment. But you don’t remember them actually coming out of the club or any of the events after. 

The room was dim, only lit up by a light behind you. It looked like some kind of abandoned warehouse. You felt the burn on your wrists as you tried to move them under the rope binding you to the chair. 

“I’ll be honest,” The distorted voice from behind you made your head snap up as you took in a sharp breath, “this isn’t the kind of work I normally do. But I just couldn’t resist.” 

“W-who are you?” You stammered, feeling your heart pounding in your chest. 

“The better question is, who are you?” Two hands were placed on your shoulders, making you jump. You hadn’t even heard him walk toward you. “Your father has made quite a name for himself.” The distorted chuckle made your blood run cold as you stiffened. 

“I- I don’t know anything, I swear. He doesn’t tell me anything.”

“That’s not why you’re here.” His hands started slowly moving up and down your arms. “You see, some people aren’t very… happy with his choices. Normally I’d prefer confronting the problem directly, but this was just too tempting. And I figured, better me than some other creep who doesn’t know what he’s doing.” 

“So- what, you’re going to torture me?” You couldn’t hide the tremble in your voice. He just chuckled and rounded the chair, standing in front of you. 

“Something like that.” 

Your breath hitched as you finally got a good look at him. He was massive and covered in an assortment of weapons. The red helmet gleamed under the dim light and you watched as he tilted his head slightly, like he was examining you. You suddenly felt very self conscious in just your skimpy dress and strappy heels. 

“Do you know who I am?” You nodded breathlessly in response. You had seen the blurry pictures of him on the news but they did no justice to his actual appearance. “Then you know what I’m capable of.” Once again, you nodded silently. You’d heard the stories of people left nearly dead and people left actually dead. 

“Good. Now that we’re properly acquainted, we can get started.” You hadn’t noticed before but your body is trembling, your stomach pooling with dread and fear, but also anger. Anger toward your father for letting this happen, that he chose to bring a child into this life despite the risks. Anger that you’re sitting here right now instead of him. 

“They said punish him… Now that’s pretty open to interpretation if you ask me.” He dropped down so his face was level with yours and grabbed your thighs, right above your knees, then he parted them slowly. Your cheeks grew warm as you felt the bottom of your dress moving further up your thighs the more he parted them. When you attempted to close your legs, his grip turned bruising and you let out a small whimper. 

“You really don’t want to make this worse for yourself.” He warned. Your legs opened in defeat and he loosened his grip. When his hands started moving up your thighs, you could see the red marks left behind from his fingertips. 

“What are you going to do to me?” The fear in your voice was obvious. 

“Relax, princess. You’ll live.” 

“So you are going to hurt me?” You asked quietly, staring into the whites of his helmet with wide eyes. 

“That’s entirely up to you.” His hands reached the top of your legs and he brought them to your inner thighs, then snaked them back down. 

“I- I have money. I can pay you whatever you want.” 

“You mean you have daddy’s money?” He sneered and your face flushed in embarrassment as you looked away from him. 

“How ‘bout this,” He took a gun from his leg and held it up, “You pick a number between one and ten. If you guess right, I’ll let you go. But if you guess wrong…” He trailed off into a chuckle and you swallowed the lump in your throat. “Well, to put it simply, you won’t be leaving here.” 

“I- I don’t…” You floundered for a response as you eyed the gun. 

“Go on, princess. Pick a number.”

“How do I know you won’t lie and shoot me anyway?” Despite the venom in your voice, it still trembled in fear. He let out a low chuckle and moved the gun to your leg, following the same path as his hand. 

“I guess you’ll just have to trust me.” He all but shrugged, making you scoff. 

“Why should I trust a man who kidnapped and threatened to kill me?” You snapped and he let out a low chuckle again. 

“I like the mouthy ones.” 

The barrel met the apex of your thighs and you jumped at the contact. He didn’t hold it there long though. Instead, he slowly trailed it up your torso and neck until it was pointed at your chin. 

“Go on. Give me a number.” His voice was quieter now as he leaned into your space. 

“I- I don’t want to.” You whispered, trying to move your head away from the gun. He brought his other hand up to hold you still by your hair and pushed the barrel harder against your chin. 

“No?” He slightly tilted his head, emphasizing the question. 

“No.” You managed to say, even though your throat was closing up in fear. He waited a beat before finally releasing you. 

“I have a better idea.” He retrieved a knife from his pants and cut the rope on your wrists. “Stand up.” Rubbing your sore wrists, you tentatively rose to your feet. 

“If you can get to the door, you can leave. I’ll even give you an advantage.” He held the gun out to you and you stared at him with wide eyes. You eyed him skeptically, trying to figure out why he was doing this. “It’s not a trick.” He chuckled. You tentatively reached for the gun and examined it once it was in your grasp. 

“Safety’s off. All you have to do is pull the trigger. You do know where the trigger is, right?” You looked up at him with a scowl. 

“Yes.” You said bitterly. Pointing it at him, you noticed how obvious the shaking in your hands has become. You eyed the door across the room and started circling him. He moved along with you until your back was to the door. You started moving toward it, never removing the gun or your gaze from the man in front of you, but he matched your steps. 

The first time you fired the gun, it flew right past him and he didn’t even flinch. You adjusted your grip and took a deep breath, trying to concentrate. This time when you fired it, he was in front of you before you could even blink. He didn’t make a move for the gun, all he did was spin you around and push your back, making you stumble forward. 

“Are you even trying?” 

You growled and whipped around to face him. The second you had it pointed at him, you pulled the trigger twice. He moved a little to the side and the first one flew past him but the second one grazed his helmet, making it crack. Only a tiny part of his eye was visible now, but even most of that was covered by a second mask. All thoughts of making it to the door were replaced by curiosity. 

“I’m impressed.” The voice was no longer distorted and holy fuck that is not what you were expecting. You were expecting some old man, or someone at least ten years older than you- someone gross. Someone you’d never let touch you with a ten foot pole. This changes things... Watching him take off the helmet, you stood frozen as it dropped to the floor. This changes everything. Not that you condone Stockholm syndrome… but maybe you understand it a little now. 

Before you even realized what was happening, he had you up against the wall, both hands pinned by your head and the gun discarded on the floor. His eyes roamed your face as he tilted his head again. 

“I- you… what?” You said breathlessly, staring at him with wide eyes. 

“Cat got your tongue?” He smirked, making your cheeks burn. You swallowed thickly as you got a good look at his face. You stared at his eyes for a second, admiring the color, before moving your gaze to his lips and wow- 

“What happened to all that fight from earlier?” He slid both of your arms up and he could grab your wrists in one hand. “All the bargaining, the pleading.” He used his other hand to  hold your face by your cheeks and leaned in until you felt his breath fanning your lips. He waited for a response and when he didn’t get one, he continued. 

“Not so easy to pretend like you’re still being held here against your will when it’s with someone who looks like me, is it?” He moved a leg between your thighs and lowered his voice, “I’d bet there isn’t anything I'll do to you that you won’t beg me for first.” 

You swallowed the lump in your throat as you stared at him with furrowed brows. Even though you wanted to call him cocky and delusional… He’s right. And he knows he is.

“Although I’m not sure I’ll really be completing the assignment if you actually enjoy it. Maybe I will have to hurt you after all.” The hand moved from your face to your neck and immediately squeezed. “But I think you’d like that too.” He sneered, making you look away from him with a blush. 

“No…” You whined, not meeting his gaze. 

“No? Shall we test that?” You looked back at him in confusion, but his hand was already leaving your neck and striking your cheek, making your head snap to the side as you gasped. You didn’t even have a chance to get your bearings before he was grabbing your neck again and slamming your head into the wall. Releasing a pathetic whimper, you squeezed your eyes shut and tried to control your breathing. 

“I don’t know… it seems like you like it.” He teased, lifting his leg until it pressed against your core. You let out a shaky breath as you willed your body to not chase the much needed friction. 

“Fuck you.” You whispered. 

“Don’t worry, we’ll get to that.” He smirked, then quickly turned you around and roughly shoved your front into the wall. You let out a soft grunt from the impact and then his whole body was pressed to yours. When you turned so your cheek was resting on the wall, the gun on the floor caught your attention and you realized that without his helmet, you might actually have a chance now. 

Doing your best to ignore his hands grabbing your hips and sliding up to your waist, you tried to come up with a way to distract him that might actually work. After a beat, you did the only thing you could think of that might give you a chance. 

You reached behind yourself and placed your hand over the bulge in his pants, then squeezed lightly. His hips bucked forward as his grip on your waist tightened. You palmed him through his pants, ignoring how absolutely fucking huge he feels, and waited until he placed his hands on the wall, caging you in. You took an experimental step back and grinned when he followed. 

Once you were far enough away from the wall and his hands were by his sides, you lunged for the weapon. You picked it up and were about to stand when his boot met your back, roughly shoving you to the floor. You scrambled to turn over, then pointed it at him from your sitting position. Your hope disappeared instantly when you were met with a second gun aimed at your face.  

“I have to say, I admire your confidence.” He chuckled, stalking toward you, making you shuffle away from him. “Give me the gun before you hurt yourself.” He sighed, holding his other hand out. You scowled at the patronizing tone and kept moving backwards. 

“I- I will shoot you.” You stammered, cringing at the way your voice wavered. 

“Use your head, princess. After you try to shoot me and miss, what do you think I’ll do, hm?” He cocked the gun to emphasize his point. His steps quickened and he placed his boot on your chest, pushing you down and making you fall on your back with a grunt of pain. He didn’t remove his foot as he leaned down a little and pressed the gun to your temple. 

“Give me the gun.” He raised his eyebrows expectantly and held his hand out. Your grip tightened as you swallowed thickly, debating what to do. His foot pushed down harder against your chest, making you whimper quietly. When he pushed down even harder, you finally handed him the weapon and the pressure lessened. He placed it in the holster on his leg, but didn’t remove his foot or the other gun from your body. 

“I’m not a very patient guy. If I were you, I wouldn’t pull that shit again unless you want a hole through your pretty little head. Do you understand?” He gritted, pushing the gun into your temple harder. You squeezed your eyes shut and nodded as your bottom lip quivered in fear. 

“Good.” He said quietly, then you felt him remove the gun and kneel over your waist. When you felt nothing for a few seconds, you opened your eyes to find him examining the weapon. He turned it over in his hand, then finally met your gaze. 

“And to think… you were doing so well too, princess. You're lucky I don’t just kill you right now for that little stunt.” You swallowed thickly and closed your eyes again, trying to ignore the fear that was bordering very close on arousal. 

The sound of metal meeting the concrete next to your head was almost deafening and your ears rang from the gun being fired so close to you. You let out a choked sob as you shook beneath him and reluctantly opened your eyes. 

“What do you say for me being so generous?” He prompted casually, as if he hadn’t just shot the ground inches from your head. 

“T-thank you.” You whispered, feeling your eyes burn as his figure got blurry. You squeezed your eyes shut again and bit your lip to hide the way it was trembling. 

“Are you scared?” He asked quietly, dragging the gun down your chest to your navel. All you could do was give him a small nod. 

“Look at me.” The way he spoke was almost comforting- almost made you want to obey. But apparently you took too long. The gun lifted your chin and he spoke more harshly this time. 

“Look. At. Me.” He growled. You opened your eyes and felt the remaining tears immediately fall down your temples as he brushed the barrel over your lips. 

“Open.” His tone left no room for argument, so you did what he said. The second your lips were parted, the gun was making its way inside your mouth. You gagged at the metallic taste, and then again once it brushed the back of your throat. He fucked it in and out of your mouth slowly and you just prayed it would be over soon. 

“It’d be a shame if my finger accidentally just… slipped.” He smirked. “For you though. I could still fuck you with your brain all over the floor.” You whined lowly, and he released a dark chuckle. 

“Yeah, I think I like that idea actually. Send you back to your daddy stuffed full of my come and with a hole in your pretty little head.” You let out a muffled cry and unconsciously squeezed your thighs together. 

“Let him see you for what you really are. Just a mindless fucktoy. Or… brainless.” He chuckled. 

Finally, finally, he removed the gun from your mouth. A trail of saliva connected your lips to the barrel which only increased your embarrassment. You panted quietly and looked up at him through wet lashes with furrowed brows. He groaned and tossed the gun to the side, then leaned over your face. 

“So fucked out already and we haven’t even started.” He whispered, the corner of his lips turning up in a smirk. You just stared at him breathlessly. “You know I think I deserve a little something for you being a tease earlier, don’t you?” You nodded dumbly and his smirk grew. 

He positioned you so that your arms were on the ground above your head, then shuffled up your body. He placed his knees on either side of your head, effectively immobilizing your arms. Wasting no time, he removed his length from his pants and took it in his hand, stoking it slowly above your face. 

It was even bigger than it felt… The tip was red and beading precum. You eyed the vein on the bottom and felt your hole flutter around nothing at the way it was almost visibly throbbing in his hand. You were brought out of your daze by him slapping his length on your cheek, smearing some of the precum there. 

“Open up, princess.” There was no hesitation when your mouth fell open. He slid his cock in, torturously slow, and didn’t stop until he met the resistance of your throat. “C’mon, relax your throat. I know a little slut like you can deep throat cock so fucking do it.” He growled, pushing deeper despite the way you were gagging and choking at the intrusion. 

Truthfully you’ve never been good at deepthroating. You’ve always struggled with the multitasking aspect of it- relaxing your throat, remembering to breathe, no teeth, trying to hold back your gag reflex, etc. 

He roughly pulled out, then slapped you, making you gasp. Grabbing your cheeks, he turned you back to him, then leaned down over you and spit into your open mouth. Fuck- if he keeps acting like this you feel like you might actually orgasm with no stimulation at all.  

“Swallow.” He demanded. You obeyed and he gave you a satisfied smile that made you want to keep being good so you could see it again. 

He entered you again, this time focusing on fucking your mouth rather than trying to get all of it in. You couldn’t tell which one was better though, because everytime he hit the back of your throat, you still gagged slightly. 

“God it’s like you were fucking made to take cock.” He said through a moan, snapping his hips faster. After another moment of this, he thrusted inside but didn’t pull out. He shoved his length so far down your throat that you couldn’t even gag. You watched through blurry eyes as he threw his head back with a near pornographic moan. When he finally pulled out, you coughed and sputtered as your chest heaved, taking in the much needed oxygen. 

He barely gave you a moment to recover before he was stuffing you full again, brutally fucking your mouth. His knees closed around your head to keep you from turning away from him. Hot tears rolled down your temples as you struggled to breathe through your nose. 

“Fuck- keep crying, princess. Makes me so fucking hard.” He said through a moan, making you release a muffled whimper. When you met his gaze, he practically went feral. His thrusts turned frantic and desperate as he chased his orgasm. Finally, he stilled, fully inside your mouth, and you felt hot come hitting your throat. His stifled moans and whimpers made you whine and clench your thighs together. He slowly pulled his fading erection from your mouth and you swallowed, then coughed violently. 

“One down, two to go.” He smirked, making you stiffen. Out of arousal or fear, you weren’t sure. He shuffled back down your body until he was between your legs. Gloved hands pried your thighs apart and you felt your cheeks heat up when he chuckled. 

“Look at that… Already soaked through your slutty little panties. Can’t say I’m necessarily surprised though.” He dragged his thumb over the damp fabric, making your hips buck into the friction. 

Pulling a knife from his pants, he twirled it in his hand before bringing it down to your body. He trailed the tip down from your navel to the top of your panties and you were frozen as you waited eagerly. The blade ran along the waistband until he reached the fabric covering your hip. He slid the knife under and pulled up, slicing the lace easily. You swallowed down a moan as he did the same to the other side. 

He pulled the fabric away from your body and held it up so you could see your arousal on it. You flushed and looked away from him. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw him put them in his pocket. 

When warm and soft brushed your core, you jumped. He had taken off his glove and was slowly circling his thumb over your clit. You all but sobbed in relief at the much needed friction, even though his touch was feather light. 

“Please.” You whimpered, making him laugh under his breath. 

“Such a fucking slut… about to be raped and you’re literally begging for it.” The look of disdain on his face made you frown. 

“I- I’m sorry.” 

“You’re sorry for being a slut or for begging me to rape you?” Your brows furrowed as you tried to think of what answer he wants. “Hm?” He added with a tilt of his head. 

“I don’t know...” You said timidly. 

“Course you don’t.” He snickered, making you flush in embarrassment. “Are there even any brains to spill or is it just empty up there?” You frowned and looked away from him. His hand came down on your clit, the pain making you release a choked moan.

“Fuck.” You cried, biting your lip to stifle any other sounds. He hit you hard. And you were just praying that was the first and only one because you’re not sure if you can take another. His thumb went back to rubbing light circles on your clit and you watched as his gaze roamed your body. 

You wanted to beg him again. Beg him for more- for anything he’d be willing to give you as long as it was just more. But you were scared that he would hit you again or worse, stop completely. 

He removed his hand, making you whine, and brought it up to your face. Two fingers entered your mouth and he pushed down on the back of your tongue, intentionally making you gag. He fucked them in and out slowly, then pulled back once he was satisfied with how wet they were. 

Those same fingers roughly breached your opening and he wasted no time rapidly curling them up against your walls. You let out a choked sob at the sudden stimulation and subconsciously tried to squirm away from it. He slapped your thigh in a warning, making you mewl. 

“God you’re so fucking wet.” The degrading tone made you cry out and squeeze your eyes shut from embarrassment. He inserted a third finger and you finally felt the burn of the stretch. When you felt his breath fan your lips, you opened your eyes to find him leaning over your face. 

“You like it, don’t you?” He asked you curiously. All you could do was nod with a small whimper. “Of course you do.” He scoffed, grinding the heel of his hand against your clit.

“Your poor daddy... Where'd he go wrong, hm? Did he not spend enough time with you?” He frowned in mock sympathy. “Is that why you’re such a whore?” 

“Please.” You whined, feeling so delirious with pleasure, you could barely focus on his words. The knot of arousal in your stomach was so fucking tight it almost hurt. 

“What are you begging for, princess?” 

“I- I want to come… Please make me come.” You whimpered. You could feel yourself growing closer to your climax and you arched up into his body as you tilted your head back with a lewd moan. 

“Please!” 

“Poor thing… You’re close, aren’t you?” You nodded rapidly and tried to focus on your impending orgasm. 

He roughly yanked his fingers from you and you cried out as you came back down from the edge. 

“No no- please! You have to let me come, please!” Your incoherent babbling made him place his hand on your neck and squeeze until the only sounds you could release were little squeaks. 

“You’re not used to being told no, are you, princess?” He raised his brows and you frowned. “I have no intention of making you come tonight. But if you’re good… I might change my mind.” You nodded quickly as hope filled your chest. 

When you felt the blunt head of his cock brush through your folds, you froze in anticipation. He teased your entrance, then dragged it up to your clit, and repeated the motions. 

“Please…” You croaked, barely able to get out the word with his hand on your neck. 

“Say it. Beg me to rape you.” He ordered, just barely pressing the tip inside of you before removing it. His grip loosened around your neck and you took in a heavy breath now that you were actually able to. 

“Please r-“ You cut yourself off with a choked sob and looked away from him as your cheeks grew warm. “Please.” 

“I'm not gonna do it unless you say it, princess.” He slapped his cock against your clit a few times, making you jolt and let out a long, embarrassed whine. 

“I can’t.” 

“Need I remind you that you’re here for a reason. I can use a different method to get the same result and I promise it’ll be much more painful for you.” 

You let out a shaky breath and closed your eyes, feeling your lips tremble. You want it. He knows you want it. But you don’t know if you’ll even be able to get the words out. 

“Please fuck me.” You whimpered, looking at him with furrowed brows. He looked at you with faux disappointment and sighed. 

“Maybe you just need some motivation.” He said, then his hand was moving from your neck and being replaced with a knife. Your breath hitched at the cold metal and you stiffened beneath him. 

“I wonder how much I’ll have to hurt you before you finally just say it.” He sighed, trailing the tip of the blade down your neck to your chest. 

“Maybe I'll have to carve it into your pretty skin.” You trembled beneath him but other than that you were completely frozen. “Let’s find out.” He smirked. You held your breath as the pressure of the blade increased. After only a second or two you gave in. 

“Please rape me!” You blurted loudly, waiting for the pressure to be removed. When it wasn’t, you continued. “Please, I- I want you to rape me.” You sobbed. After another beat he finally removed the knife. 

“All you had to do was ask, baby.” He purred, leaning down and licking the bead of blood pooling on your chest. 

His cock entered you so quickly, it felt like all of the air was punched out of your lungs. He didn’t stop until his hips were pressed to yours. Groaning loudly, he only paused for half a second before sliding back out then slamming in again. 

“Fuck- how’s a whore like you so tight, huh?” He asked breathlessly. All you could do was stare at him, brows furrowed and mouth open in a silent moan. It burned. You were in no way a virgin but he’s big and you didn’t have the prep you’re used to getting. 

Lifting your legs to hang over his shoulders, he changed the pace, mercilessly pounding your hole. He was chasing his own pleasure, that much was obvious in the way he fucked you. But for some sick reason, that turned you on even more.

“God, fuck- Maybe I’ll keep you here- have a fleshlight at my disposal 24/7. How does that sound, princess?” He said through a moan. You squeezed your eyes shut and released a pathetic sob as you shook your head. “No? But baby, I could feel you clench around my cock when I said that.” Your whole face felt like it was on fire. It probably looked that way too, based on his chuckle. 

He continued the brutal pace and you felt like you couldn’t catch your breath because of how fast he was fucking you. By now, the pain mostly subsided and was replaced with an aching need to come. 

“Look at you,” He cooed. “You just love being raped don’t you?” You were about to whine and shake your head but he continued before you could. “Don’t bother denying it, princess. I can tell you’re about to come on my cock any minute now.” He smirked. As much as you hated to admit it, he was right. 

“But you don’t have permission yet, do you?” He raised his brows and tilted his head, emphasizing the question. 

“Do you wanna know what will happen if you come before I say you can?” You knew his question was rhetorical so you didn’t respond. “I’m gonna pull out and ruin it. And then I’m gonna fuck your ass. Even if you’re not screaming and crying in pain, you definitely won’t be coming from that.” 

You let out a lewd moan before you could control it and he chuckled under his breath. 

“I’m gonna fuck your ass until I’m ready to come and then I’ll stick it back in your little cunt and fill you up. You’d think someone who’s such a fucking whore would be on birth control...” He laughed to himself and you stiffened. 

“But it probably won’t take the first time. So I’ll have to rape your ass again and again, getting myself right to the edge, then filling up your pussy each time.” You made a mental note to remember to get some plan b after he lets you go. 

…If he lets you go. 

While the thought should make you sick to your stomach, you found that you felt maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. The realization that you felt that way is what actually made you sick to your stomach. But despite that, you could feel yourself growing closer to the edge, especially after his words. 

“Please.” You whimpered breathlessly. “Please let me come.” He cooed mockingly and the sound went straight to your aching cunt. “Please, it- it hurts.” You whined, pouting and watching your vision go blurry from tears of desperation. 

“Yeah, baby? Is your little cunt just aching for some release?” You nodded as a whimper escaped your trembling lips and his thrusts slowed into gentle rocking. 

“Clearly I have my work cut out for me.” He chuckled. “If you’re gonna be my fuck toy, you’re exactly that. A toy. Your only purpose is to get me off. Now if you keep whining about it, then I’ll do what I said and rape your ass instead.” His tone turned dark and for the first time in a few minutes you actually felt afraid again. 

“I- I’m sorry.” You whispered, not able to meet his eyes. 

“I know you are, princess. That’s why I gave you a warning.” 

“Thank you…” You said quietly. 

“You’re welcome. Now how about you shut the fuck up and let me get myself off, hm?” Your stomach twisted at his words, but in the way that it added to your arousal, not your fear. You nodded and stared at him with wide eyes. “Good girl.” And then he was brutally pounding your hole again. 

You watched the way his eyes rolled back into his head and his mouth dropped open in a silent moan. You could faintly see his eyebrows furrowing above the mask. When he opened his eyes again and looked back at you, he growled and leaned into your neck. He left a few kisses before roughly biting the sensitive skin, making you whimper. He sucked the skin into his mouth for a few seconds, then pulled back and moved to a new spot. 

As far as you could count, you think he left about six in total. But your mind was already too hazy so you didn’t completely trust your math at the moment. Around the third hickey, you brought your hand up to his hair and pulled on it. It was only after the fifth one that you realized what you did and that he didn’t stop you. He kissed his way up to your ear and panted for a moment. 

“You ready to take my come?” He whispered, his thrusts growing more erratic and frenzied. You nodded quickly with a loud moan and felt his breath against your ear as he laughed quietly. 

Part of you wanted him to come already because you wanted him to fill you up. But the larger part needed him to finish soon because you were only a few thrusts away from not being able to control your impending orgasm anymore. 

His hand wrapped around your neck again and he snapped his hips against you twice more, before burying himself to the hilt inside of you. He rested his head in the crook of your neck and bit your skin when the volume of his moans increased, making you whimper and tighten your grip on his hair. Despite him being completely inside of you, he still bucked his hips forward, trying to bury himself even deeper, emphasizing each thrust with a low groan. 

The feeling of his come flooding you was quickly bringing you to your orgasm and you prayed he was almost done. After one last buck of his hips, he released your skin from his teeth and let out a heavy sigh. 

“I wasn’t being completely serious when I said that stuff about keeping you, but now I’m actually considering it.” He mumbled making you laugh but still clench his cock as his words went straight to your pussy. He hissed and leaned up until his face was above yours. His eyes moved between yours and your lips and you stared at him breathlessly as you waited for his next move. 

Instead of kissing you like you were hoping he would, he leaned up completely and gently placed your legs back down around his hips. He slowly pulled out of you, making you whine at the emptiness, and you felt his cum leaking out of you and dripping down to your ass. But then you felt his fingers, bringing it back up and pushing it inside you again. You internally begged him to put his fingers inside of you- or anything, just as long as you were full again. 

He seemed to pause in thought, then removed his hand and grabbed your panties from his pocket. He wiped his own dick then moved on to you. You flinched at the rough material being rubbed over your sensitive clit as he cleaned you up. Finally he tossed them on the ground next to you and stood up, tucking himself back in his pants. 

He grabbed his phone from his pocket and took a few photos of you, the sound of the camera deafening in the silent room. 

You laid there, panting, dripping cum, desperate for release. He just collected his weapons and helmet and started walking out. 

“W-wait!” You called after him, moving to a sitting position. 

“What?” He barked, making you flinch. 

“Will… will I see you again?” You asked quietly, your face blushing all the way down to your chest. He walked back over to you and you felt your stomach drop, worried you had made him change his mind about killing you. He leaned down so his face was level with yours and you watched his gaze move between your eyes, then to your lips. He looked like he was deep in thought. His jaw clenched and you bit your lip, trying to contain any reactions. 

“The next time I need to fuck something, I’ll find you.” Your eyes fluttered at his response, your heart beating faster in your chest at the promise of a next time. But also beating faster in your cunt at his blatant objectification of you. Christ, maybe you should try therapy, you thought with an internal scoff. He gave you a small smirk, then walked out. You didn’t stop him this time. 

Part 2

[annievrse]

vodka problems

eren x fem!reader —ᡣ𐭩 fic summary: sasha and connie throw a party, and all the exciting things happen at parties! OR in which you and eren are exes, and it's the first party you both attend after the break-up. w/c: 5k+ warnings: maybe ooc eren (because idk how to write him yet, yikes), angst, alcohol, dissociating, c-word (3 whole times), swearing, anxiety about the future & love, maybe some errors, and a rushed ending because i had no more ideas. a/n: this isn’t how i thought this would go, but it’s how it turned out so, enjoy.

You were going to kill them. Nothing could sway you from doing so. Sasha Braus was about to be your first victim, and Connie Springer your second. The plan was already brewing in your mind: promise them an all-you-can-eat buffet, take the pair to a warehouse, blindfolded, get them into a position where the method of execution could be performed (you hadn’t thought that far ahead yet), and then strike. Quick and easy, and nobody would be surprised; they couldn’t even be convinced to go in the first place because you’d already said this to their faces. 

“Don’t be so dramatic!” Sasha exclaimed, rolling her eyes. You glared at her from your spot on her bed and then at Connie, who sat on the floor against the wall across the room. 

Connie laughed manically. “She’s gone insane!” 

You shook your head, clenching your fists to stop the slight shaking of your hands. “Guys…” 

At the sound of your exasperated tone, Sasha threw a lone throw pillow at Connie’s face, and the pair stopped teasing. 

“Listen,” Sasha started, sauntering toward you. “We can’t just… exclude him from our group get-togethers because you broke up.” 

It was the truth you had accepted a month ago, yet it was like a thousand needles in your stomach when Sasha said it aloud. You nodded, your gaze finding your hands.

“I’m sure he feels the same right now,” Sasha looked over her shoulder at Connie, who shrugged. The former rolled her eyes again and turned back to you. “Or at least, I hope he does. Asshole.” 

“Hey! It’s not like he’s been sleeping around! Eren’s a good guy,” Connie’s face screwed up in an angered expression at the thought that his closest friends were talking wrong about his other friend. “Just because he’s not hung up on this doesn’t make him an asshole!” He stood up, Sasha facing him. 

His last comment made your eyes weary. The one thousand needles tripled. 

“We know that! But-–” Sasha tilted her head in your direction. “Let girls talk shit, okay? It was a bad situation.” 

Connie cringed at the mention of the aftermath of your and Eren’s breakup. “Maybe you’re right.”

“I am right,” She crossed her arms over her chest. “Y/n is allowed to react the way she is because girls can feel emotions without being overdramatic.” 

“What about killing us? You said she was being dramatic.” 

“I mean, threatening to kill your friends is a little…” Sasha glanced at you. “But everything else! I know what you boys have been saying, and it’s not only hurtful to Y/n but to me! And Mikasa! Girls, in general! Just because Eren moved on so quickly doesn’t mean Y/n has to! She has every right to feel the way she does. I was like this for months when Nic and I broke up!”

“That was a different thing, and you got back together.”

“Besides the point!”

“Sasha?” You pipe up, tired of watching your friends argue over you. 

The two twist their heads toward you, forgetting you were there. Sasha’s eyes softened when she saw the dejected look on your face. 

“I’m just gonna go,” You wring your fingers. “I’ll see you tonight, though. Yeah?” 

Connie opened his mouth to say something, but Sasha elbowed him. “Yes, we will be seeing you tonight. Glad you’re coming.” 

You got up from the bed, and Sasha hugged you.

“Bye, Con.”

“Bye,” Connie replied solemnly. 

As you left the room, you heard a smack. “Do you ever know when to shut the fuck up, Springer?” 

You left their shared apartment—where you would return later. 

7:29 pm

Hearing the elevator ding, you turned towards the opening doors; the smell of sweat, alcohol, and weed hit you in the face as you exited. Despite Sasha and Connie’s apartment halfway down the hallway, the music and scents spilled out their front door. 

You held the bottle of Chardonnay you had brought loosely between your fingers, the effects of the other bottle of wine you had downed before coming hitting you straight on: liquid courage and all that. 

You opened the door without knocking and stepped into Sasha and Connie’s apartment. Music made the floor vibrate, which was ignored due to your inebriated and gloomy state. 

“Y/n!” Hands on your shoulders, and the familiar ecstatic energy of your best friend drew you out of your daze. “You’re here!” 

“I’m here!” You laughed bitterly, although the previous unwanted anxiety and feelings towards tonight were already dissipating. 

“Oh jeez, you’re already gone,” Sasha shook her head disapprovingly. “Tch, should’ve kept you here from this morning.” 

You disagreed. “No! See, I wouldn’t have brought us a bottle if I stayed here. This is for nobody else.” 

Sasha’s grin grew wider. “Thank you!”

You lifted the bottle towards her face, giggling. Sasha snatched the bottle out of your hand as soon as it was close enough and uncapped it, all in one motion.

Your jaw dropped at the sight of the now half-empty bottle in her hands. “Sash!” 

She held the bottle out of your reach and grabbed your hand, pulling you into the kitchen. “I think the boys are in Connie’s room, but don’t worry, I won’t take you to them.”

You knew who the boys entailed, and you were beyond grateful. 

“Annie, Ymir, and Historia are in the living room, playing some board game. I don’t know who does that at a party, but they’re having fun…” Then she looked behind you. “Oh! Marco,” Sasha pushed you backwards slightly. “Get Y/n a drink. I gotta pee.” 

You stumbled back into a tall figure, spinning around to meet your friend. “Marco!”

The freckled boy rubbed the back of his neck and smiled. “Y/n! What would you like?”

You pursed your lips in thought. “Make me a mimosa? Mr. Bartender?” 

Marco laughed and reached up to retrieve a glass from the cupboard unit beside you. “Of course, Miss. Any special requests?” 

You eyed the Grey Goose on the counter, not thinking twice about your answer. “Hold the vodka, please.” 

Marco blanched as he poured sparkling wine into a cup. “Oh, yeah, okay. No problem.” 

You folded your lips between your teeth at the awkward air settling between you, and you didn’t think your response through before it slipped out. The music from the living room speakers, paired with the clink of a spoon on glass, was the only sound in the kitchen. 

It was no secret what had happened between you and Eren—the entire friend group had been there to witness it, which was the worst part. A party, a few bottles of vodka, and insecurities from both sides were at play that night. It was a recipe for disaster, and it just so happened that you and Eren were the casualties, along with friendships that were becoming more strained as the weeks passed. It didn’t help that you or Eren were often missing from group gatherings when the other was present, but somehow, Sasha had managed to get you in the same apartment as him for a night. It was either a master plan that could save the group or cause it to dismantle completely, and nobody wanted that. 

“Here you go,” Marco said, pushing the glass across the counter. 

Tears welled in your eyes at his sudden distance. “Thanks, Marc.” 

At the sound of your teary voice, his eyes shot toward you. “Hey, hey,” He reached for you, bringing you into his chest. “I’m sorry. No crying tonight, okay? Nobody hates you, I promise. You are as much a part of this group as he is. You are not allowed to leave.” 

“Who said I was leaving?” You mumbled into his chest, tears dampening his t-shirt. 

“People talk,” He replied, rubbing your back. “And a little Sasha told me you mentioned the group would be better without you.” 

You sniffled and laughed, eyes watery. “Can you blame me? Mikasa hasn’t spoken to me in a month, and Armin only says hello when he has to. I can’t keep putting myself through that. I don’t want to lose more friends over this.”

“If I were a nice person who cared about your well-being, I would tell you to leave us ASAP. But since I’m not, I need you to stay, okay? Who else would I make mimosas for at these ‘parties’?” 

You laughed and pulled away. “Nobody.” 

“Exactly!” Marco exclaimed. “And just you being here tonight tells me you don’t actually want to leave.” 

“Yeah, I guess.” 

“No guessing about it,” Marco stepped back. “You are staying. Now,” He clapped. “Wanna join the losers in the living room for a game of Monopoly?” 

You nodded, sipping your drink. Marco would never know the effect his words had on you. No matter what happened with Eren, you had a place in this group. Sure, Sasha had repeatedly told you the same thing, but hearing it from someone else, who didn’t have to say anything, was special. “I would love to.”

9:02 pm

After Sasha had joined the game and Historia had won Monopoly (thanks to Ymir, who kept slipping her money under the table), the rest of the boys emerged from Connie’s room, bringing the stench of weed along with them. 

“Holy shit! Y/n?” Jean yelled in greeting. The grin on his face was wide, and it caused one to break across your cheeks too. 

“Hi, Jeanie,” You laughed, standing up from the couch. You rounded the table to hug him, ignoring the others. You and Jean had always been close, even before you started dating Eren. Not seeing him because you chose to distance yourself proved more hurtful than beneficial. 

“Haven’t seen you for ages. How are you?” His voice was soft against your ear, and you tightened your arms around him. 

“Been better, but I missed you.” 

“We’re here too, you know,” Connie piped up, rolling his eyes. 

“I saw you this morning, idiot,” You laughed, Jean joining you as you pulled apart. 

You stepped to the right of Jean and scanned the faces of everyone in Connie’s room; Armin, Mikasa, Bertie, Reiner, Eren (sparingly), Connie himself, and—who is she? 

A petite brunette girl stood at Eren’s side. Her features were sharp and tinted pink when you met her eyes. 

You lifted your hand in a lazy wave and turned back to the couch. Your chest tightened at seeing someone you didn’t know hanging out with your group—were they replacing you already? 

Sasha noticed your fidgety hands and grabbed them as you sat next to her. You didn’t look anywhere but at the table. 

The room grew tense and awkward. 

And when nobody spoke, Eren threw his arms up. “I’m getting a beer. Anyone want one?” 

The sound of his voice was cutting. It shredded the weeks of progress you had tried to heal and buried deep into your subconsciousness. You missed his voice. 

Your eyes lifted, and when your gaze landed on him, Eren inhaled sharply. “I’ll have one.” 

Everybody held their breath as you and Eren exchanged words. They never thought they’d see the day, even if it was to be mean to each other. 

Eren’s lip curled. “You sure you don’t want vodka? I heard it’s good for ruining relationships, which you seem great at!”

“Okay! That’s where we end that. Real mature,” Sasha stood abruptly, her hands ripping from yours. “Eren, a word?” 

“Would love one, Sasha,” Eren’’s tone was clipped as he stalked back down the hallway. 

The brunette girl shifted her weight. You watched her stand awkwardly without Eren there. 

You couldn’t move with everyone’s eyes on you. With your muscles frozen, you’re eyes were unblinking as the muffled voices from down the hallway got louder. 

“Y/n, right?” A new voice spoke. You lifted your head and saw the new girl walking hesitantly toward you. “I’m Cate.” 

Your eyes flickered to Jean, who was holding his breath. A small smile replaced your blank stare as you shook the girl’s hand. You couldn’t hate this girl. No matter what happened between you and Eren, she would never be the target of your anger. 

“Nice to meet you.”

Around you, the room started moving normally again. Laughs were heard, and conversation picked back up. After her introduction, Cate scuttered to the kitchen, and you slumped back into the couch. 

“Nice to meet you,” Jean teased, flopping down next to you, lifting his leg to put it over your lap. 

“Shut the fuck up. What was I meant to say?” You snapped, smacking his knee. 

“What you said was fine. Jean’s just being a dick,” Marco said from the other side of you. 

“If anything, Eren’s being a dick,” Jean mumbled. 

You said nothing. And when Jean was going to start speaking again, a pair of legs stopped in front of you. 

The blonde boy looked nervous as he looked down at you. “Hey, Y/n.” 

“Hi, Armin. How are you?” 

He sighed and smiled. “I’m well. How are you?”

You shrugged one shoulder. “You know…” 

Armin nodded and sat on the coffee table in front of you. Your knees hit his as you pouted at him. 

“Armin… why haven’t I seen you in biochem?” You asked, giggling as you said your following sentence. “You didn’t drop out, did you?” 

Armin gaped at your jab and shook his head. “I’m offended at the thought! I had to change classes. It clashed with my other biology class.”

You smiled understandingly. “I guess I was just hurt you didn’t tell me. I know it can be awkward.” 

Armin sighed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think you’d want to hear from me.” 

“I always want to hear from you,” You furrowed your eyebrows. “You’re the only one who listens to my ramblings about everything.” 

Jean and Marco went to object, saying anything about how they’d had heard it all for the past few weeks when Armin laughed. “That’s true. Got anything for me right now?” 

“And that’s when we leave,” Jean stood, motioning for Marco to do the same. “Bye, guys.” 

10:39 pm

To say a majority of the group was intoxicated would be an understatement. 

Ymir and Historia left an hour ago because Historia was on the verge of passing out. Sasha and Eren had gone to different ends of the apartment a while ago after Sasha yelled at him for half an hour. He hadn’t looked in your direction since he came out of the room. 

Eren now sat, with Cate, on the couch, a beer held loosely between his fingers, taking sparse swigs. His eyes were heavy, but his cold facade never wavered. Surrounding him were Bertie, Reiner, Mikasa, Armin, and Annie. They were conversing about the NBA or NFL; you couldn’t remember the topic when you left. 

Conversely, you were perched on the counter in the kitchen as Marco, Jean, Connie, and Sasha competed in a ‘who could make the better drink’, with you as the judge. You were beyond tipsy, everything falling from your lips unfiltered, which was good and bad when tasting their beverages. 

Your face soured as you swallowed. “Fuck, Jean! That’s disgusting!” 

The tall boy cackled, holding his stomach as you tipped the rest of the drink down the sink. “I spent my time on that! You're so ungrateful!” 

The rest of the group laughed at your misfortune, pushing various shaped cups and glasses in your direction for you to try. 

The laughter soon died when Cate walked into the kitchen. She wore a smile on her face and waved when she noticed everyone’s eyes on her. “Hey, guys. What’re you doing?” 

“Best drink competition, wanna play? Y/n’s judging,” Connie asked, his eyes hanging and words slurred. 

“Uh, yes! I’ll make mine now. No peeking!” She laughed, picking up a random cup off the opposite counter. You and the others covered your eyes playfully. 

“Okay, done,” Cate muttered, handing you a black cup. “Tell me what you think.” 

Maybe it was the alcohol playing tricks on you, but when she handed you the cup, the typical mischief you’d encountered in everyone else’s eyes when they gave you their drinks was far less dark and cynical than hers. Cate wore a smirk as Jean did, but it seemed more calculated than his silly one. But your drunk brain was too dismissive to take it to heart. So, you took a sip of her drink. 

And when the sharp tang of vodka hit your tongue, you almost vomited. Your lips parted, and your eyes watered at the taste and what it had caused you weeks ago. 

“Bitch,” You whispered, yet nobody heard. 

The kitchen was silent as Cate stood before you, arms folded over her chest. She leaned closer to you, her mouth next to your ear. “It’s a shame. You’re so pretty but such a cunt. I almost feel bad for the guy. He had to tolerate you for so long. Thanks for letting me have him.” 

And as Cate fell back onto her heels, she sighed, like uttering those words filled her with relief. 

Sasha instantly recognised the look on your face and gasped. Even in her drunken haze, she had perfect aim. Her palm came in contact with Cate’s cheek before the boys could even react, and you took no notice of what had just happened, gaze unfocused and on the floor. 

“Woah!” Connie yelled, placing his glass in the sink to hold back his best friend. 

“Sasha, what?” Jean exclaimed, hooking his arms around Cate’s from behind. 

And Marco was silent. He stood beside you, taking the cup from your hands and sniffing the liquid. He sighed when he recognised the smell. “Fuck.” He whispered. 

“You’re never allowed back into my house! Get out!” Sasha screamed. “Or you’ll finally get to see the crazy bitch you’ve been calling me for a month!” 

The commotion had finally caused a reaction from the group in the living room, who were now flooding the space. The music was quiet, which made the scene more tense.

“What the fuck is going on?” Reiner yelled over the arguing, taking notice of Cate in Jean’s arms and Sasha in Connie's. 

“Let go of me, Connie!” Sasha cried. She now had tears streaming down her face at the same rate as you. 

You were dissociating; Sasha could see it clear as day. Your hands shook, and your eyes were unfocused as you stared at the floor, your body swaying ever so slightly. 

“Please, let me go.” 

Having heard the plea and sadness in Sasha’s voice, Connie released her. The girl stumbled out of his hold and rushed toward you, helping you off the counter with Marco’s assistance. She ushered you back into the living room and down the hallway to her room. 

“Let go of Cate, bro,” Eren snapped, stepping forward to reach her. 

Jean threw his friend a glare. “Okay, bro,” Jean laughed bitterly and let go of the brunette. 

Nobody in the kitchen said a word except for Marco, who had had enough awkward silences tonight. 

“Before you go, Eren, because you tend to do that a lot now, I’d take a good, hard look at who you’re keeping company,” Marco shifted his gaze to Cate, who stood rubbing her arms. 

“Me? You think this is my fault? That girl is insane! No wonder you broke up, Ren,” She looked up at Eren. 

The other boys, Mikasa and Annie, watched anxiously for Eren’s next move. 

11:00 pm

Meanwhile, you were in Sasha’s room sipping on a water bottle she handed you. Despite the short time, you were already starting to sober up, both from the shock of what just happened and the granola bar Sasha had forced down your throat after she locked her bedroom door. 

“God, I hate her. I tried to keep quiet tonight for Eren’s sake, but I can’t, not after that,” Sasha mumbled. “What did she say to you?” 

“Uh,” You bit your bottom lip. “She called me a cunt and thanked me for giving her Eren or something. I don’t know. I zoned out.” 

Sasha let out a noise of frustration. “If I could punch Eren, I would. He has some serious nerve bringing her here when he knew you were coming.” 

“It’s no big deal. I mean, it’s true,” You said tonelessly. “I did some fucked up stuff to him that night.” 

“Firstly, shut up! You’re not a cunt, how are you? You got the courage to come here in the first place, and I’m so proud of you. Just because one girl, who must hate women, said that about you doesn’t mean you are one. It's a reflection of her, not you. And secondly, he said shit too! You’re both in the wrong. Stop taking all the blame.” 

“Thanks, Sash.” 

“You know what I mean. It’s bullshit. I hate that people took sides; I really do. It makes me feel like our group wasn’t as close as I thought.”

You placed your hand in hers. “I’m sorry for fucking up our friend group.”

Sasha sighed. “You didn’t fuck it up,” her eyes were glassy when she looked at you. “I think it was already fucked up.” 

Her statement made you laugh sadly. 

But your laugh was cut short by the sound of the front door slamming. You shared a look with Sasha as you heard footsteps approaching the bedroom door. 

“That’s probably Jean. Bet Eren left,” Sasha mumbled, squeezing your hand before straightening up from her bed. 

And as she opened the door, nothing could prepare you for who was standing there with his fist raised to knock. 

“Oh my god,” Sasha groaned. “Have you finally decided to talk to her? All it took was some girl to insult her for you to want to speak with her?” 

Every muscle in your body was unmoving. It was like someone had poured ice water over your head. If you hadn’t sobered up from the snack and water before, you definitely had now. 

“Sasha, please,” Eren whispered. Even though he towered over Sasha, Eren looked small. He was curled in on himself, shoulders hunched. 

“It’s okay, Sash,” You stated, noticing how Eren’s demeanour changed at your words. He looked almost the same as when you were together, ganging up on your friends to tease them lovingly. 

“Fine,” Sasha said firmly. Then she brought her finger to Eren’s chest. “But if you make her cry, I will strangle you.” 

Eren just nodded, knowing it wasn’t the time to joke around. Sasha side-stepped to let him inside her room before turning around and holding the door handle.

“I will shut this door for privacy only. I don’t want to walk in here later to see you’ve killed each other,” Despite her words, Sasha smiled as she said so. 

“Bye, Sash,” You wave, hyperaware of Eren standing a few feet away. 

“Yeah, yeah.” 

And when the door clicked shut, Eren shifted in his spot. You waited for him to speak, but it never came. You guessed his conversation with Sasha earlier in the night had put him in his place.

“Where do you wanna start?” You asked, choosing to help him sort out his thoughts instead of attacking him immediately. 

Eren, seemingly grateful, fidgeted with his hands. “I want to talk about the party first.” 

You nodded, looking away from him. 

“I wanna start by saying we both had too much to drink that night. I should’ve never tried to find you afterwards; I was just so confused and hurt,” Only then did Eren glance in your direction. You met his eyes and shook your head. “I want to hear your side, but could I say my piece first?” 

You nodded, allowing him to continue. 

“Thanks,” He sighed with a crooked smile and shook his head softly to rid it. “Anyway, I, uh—that night went downhill so fast. I know they say that drunk words are sober thoughts, I know. But at that moment, I was so angry. I was angry at myself, you, and everyone else at that damn party because I—I couldn't take the questions, and the expectations, and the responsibilities. And you’re right. I am immature because I couldn’t understand why you made that choice, and I still don’t understand why you did. It just hurt me so deeply that I didn’t know how to accept it. I still don’t!"

"I stumbled around all night with that damn bottle of vodka because I knew you liked it, and when I saw you with the same bottle dancing with Sasha, I snapped. I couldn't believe you were having fun after hurting me so badly," Eren paced the floor. “But I can’t move on from you, sweetheart. I really can’t. And tonight,” He sighed deeply. “I don’t know why I brought her here. I guess I just wanted you to hurt as much as I do. But, if I knew she would act like that toward you, I never would've spoken to her in the first place. I’m sorry for that.” 

Tears brimmed your lash line as you nodded. Eren remained near the door. 

“I—uh, I’m sorry for everything I said too. Yes, you can be immature, but you’re not arrogant or aloof when speaking about serious stuff; you're doing it right now. And I’m sorry for doubting your love for me—in hindsight, it was a shitty thing to say considering…” You trailed off.

Eren stayed silent.

“I literally hung you out to dry in front of everyone, and you're still here trying to make amends with me!" You exclaimed, angry with yourself. "That's like one of the least immature things ever."

You sighed, rubbing your forehead. "That night scared the shit out of me, with all the talk about the future and what we’re going to do when we graduate literally next semester. Eren,” You look up at him. “I don’t have any plan. I’m going to finish my degree, and then what? I don’t want this to end. I don’t want to see my friends once a year because we’re all on different sides of the country, of the world! I want to stay here with the lunatics out there and you.”

The sudden confession made you pause. Eren inhaled sharply, meeting your eyes. You swallowed and continued. “I always wanted to stay with you.” 

Neither of you spoke. As you stared at each other, you noticed small things about Eren’s appearance that hadn’t been there the last time you’d seen him: the flyaways near his face were longer, his usual clean-shaven jaw was lightly stubbled, his black t-shirt was tighter around his arms, and the green in his eyes was darker. 

Eren broke the silence first. “I just want to know why you said no,” He begged. 

You were waiting for this question. Sure, Eren had asked it when you’d first answered his initial question, but now, he deserved an explanation. He hadn’t been angry at your answer, more heartbroken than anything. 

“You say you want to stay with me forever, yet you say no at the first real chance to do that.” 

You blinked, and tears fell down your cheeks. “I know,” Your voice was strained as you wiped at your eyes. “I’m sorry.” 

The bed dipped beside you, and Eren’s thigh pressed against yours. And as you hiccuped, Eren wrapped his arm around your shoulders, letting you lean into him. 

“It’s my biggest regret, saying no to you. I couldn't believe you’d actually want me like that.” 

“Of course, I want you like that. I want you in every way if you’d let me. But until you say the word, I’m not acting on anything you don’t want me to.”

You lifted your head from his chest and turned toward him. His arm fell from your shoulders, and you took his hands in yours. 

“If you asked me again, just know I’d say yes,” You cried. “That night… that night was among the very few when I didn’t believe you were real. There is absolutely no way that someone could love me the way you do. Nobody. I believed I would never be loved like that from a very young age. And it was confusing when you came into my life and told me differently after I'd spent years drilling into my mind that I’d be alone forever.” 

“I was terrified that saying yes meant I was falling for some cruel joke,” Eren’s hand hovered over your cheek before you tilted your face to rest in his hand. “But now that you’re still here, still wanting to marry me after I said all those horrible things to you, I know what you feel is true. You’re true.” 

Eren laughed, eyes watery as he nodded. “That doesn't make sense. But, yeah, I’m real, and my love for you will always be real.” 

"It only took a failed proposal for me to realise what I lost," You cringed, peering over at Eren.

He gave you a pained expression, hand over his chest. "Ouch, at my expense?"

You nodded, dragging your hand over your cheeks. "Unfortunately."

And just like that, the pair of you fell back in sync. Eren wrapped his arms around your shoulders, hugging you close. "I know we still have a lot to talk about, but can we just sit here for now?"

"Yeah," You whispered, circling your arms around his waist.

"I'm sorry for what I said earlier in the living room," Eren muttered.

"It's okay. I was ready to say something mean back before Sasha interrupted. So I'll apologise for the intent."

Eren snorted. "I don't think anything you say to me could stop me from loving you."

"Even when I yell at you for leaving dishes in the sink?"

"Especially then," And then you felt him lick your cheek.

"And he's back," You mumble, wiping the side of your face. "I was starting to miss the weird side of you."

"Not my fault."

"Too soon."

You pulled yourself out of his embrace and composed yourself, wiping under your eyes and shaking your arms.

“Let’s start over,” Sticking your hand out, you sighed. “Hi, I’m Y/n.” 

Eren shook his head and clutched your outstretched hand. “Hi, Y/n. I’m Eren. I hope you don’t mind, but I will propose about a month into our inevitable relationship.” 

You smiled at him, tears slipping past your lashes again. “And this time, I’ll say yes, Mr Jaeger.” 

“Hey, I never told you my last name.” 

[dallasgallant]

Ok so it’s @your-unfriendlyghost w/ that goddamn Ao3 comment 🥲

For whatever reason, Ao3 keeps sayin that “We can’t upload your comment because the content is blank” when it like. CLEARLY ISN’T. I dunno what’s going on with that, so I’ll just paste it here 😭

(This is the comment I woulda commented on chapter 2 btw lol)

“Well, twenty-five just makes ya a delinquent… you ain’t a ‘juvenile’ then, man, it don’t got the same ring to it, ya know?” Steve muttered. < Damn, this is SUCH A GOOD LINE. It’s so real, yk? Like I know I personally get swept up in the fantasy of it all- of greasers and JDs and the adrenaline of teen rebellion- but someday (pretty soon now) I’ll grow up. And then it won’t be so fun anymore. For all the lousy stuff that comes with it, it’s fun bein a kid- But when I’m an adult I won’t be a cool rebel for pulling the shit I do now, I’ll just be sort of a loser. I dunno how to process that sometimes. But it’s nice seeing all that confusion put into words as succinctly as you did.

Was that it? Their only two options? Lose your life or your identity? Die young, hard and fast — just like everyone’s waiting for. Or grow up and watch your denim collar turn blue. <Ugh again this is painfully real. You capture the feelings of being a sorta wild teenager so damn well. And the line about denim collars turning blue is so like…poetic too. It’s real and also real pretty, yk?

Steve had never been particularly fond of the idea of aging, but he didn’t want to be a bum like Two-bit or a con like the Brumly boys. He realized when morning came, none of them would mention tonight. Not how it really was. <This is such a sad but significant insight. Both bits are- Steve’s acknowledgement of the fact that the future is coming, and the point that no one would talk about tonight- or at least not the real, raw, tragedy of it. You just don’t DO that, especially not as a group of teenage guys in the 60s, but even nowadays you don’t, least in my groups. And how can you? How can you make sense of that, of seeing something so gruesome and being so helpless…holy hell, I guess what I’m getting at is that this was a real observant point.

Their tears would be buried alongside their friends, and they’d come to accept some twisted narrative that served to make them feel better, instead. That’s what he’d do; make it about justice rather than loss. Feed his anger into some kind of action. He’d always been better with his hands than his words. <man I sound like a broken record here, but this is so real. I don’t like how true this rings. But like I do, yk? And god, it feels like so much of a STEVE thing to think, and a Steve way of saying it. You’ve really nailed his voice.

Anyhow, sorry for takin’ a minute to comment- after ao3 deleted the vast majority of my last one I couldn’t bring myself to type up anything substantial for a bit- but I needed to get it out at some point, because this is such an amazing fic. This bit of commentary just scratches the surface, because there’s so much I love here. Once again, great job.

Ahhhhhhh thank you, I honestly love this so much. Taking the time to point out these little details and things you relate to. It’s djsjsnsms glad people notice this stuff you know?

Not to make you have a comment get deleted on ao3 again but would love to hear chapter 3 thoughts or anything else you want about the fic lol. Love your insight.

—

I get that. I tend to romanticize the rebellious, both teen and adult. Idk maybe it’s because I’ve had a comfortable life and all but there’s also so much to go through and experience.

I’m glad this line is getting attention as I was really excited about being all poetic too! Lol, it seemed like the most expressive way to put it without having to over explain, I can’t even begin to imagine having to grapple with putting up such a distinct identity… though I imagine you’d have to pry the vest from Steve’s cold dead hands but we’re talking metaphorical.

Steve and the brand of masculinity all the guys are seeped in is such a fucking interesting thing to explore. Because there’s simultaneously so much fun with all the “boys will be boys” of it all but also… oh… you don’t know how to feel hard emotions in a healthy way.

Also just Steve has grown on me so much and I think it’s really being in his head and it’s he’s more than the best buddy and he has his place in the friend group. His loyalty and sensitivity may compare him to others in the gang but what’s great about him and them is that there’s other aspects that make even those emotions distinct to them.

[maniacalgenius]

labor day weekend 2024 (8/30–9/2)

hey y’all! as i mentioned in my last post, my allergies were really bothering me on thursday, so in friday i skipped my only class which was genetics in the morning in order to get some rest and feel better. i weighed the pros and cons before deciding to skip, and considering the facts that it’s my easiest class, there’s no attendance, and i was (and still am) ahead, i decided this particular 50 minutes wouldn’t be worth the sensory intensive process of getting ready and going to campus rather than staying home and taking care of myself and getting stuff done in a chill way so i could start to feel better. then yesterday was a holiday so i basically had a four day weekend 🤩 so here we go!

academic:

🧬 learned 1 letter codes for amino acids

🧬 pretty much learned all the 3 letter amino acid codes too

🧬 practiced matching amino acid structures to name and vice versa (have almost all of them down really solidly!)

🧬 practiced drawing out amino acid structures from 3 letter codes (again have almost all of them down! histidine, tryptophan and arginine and tripping me up)

🧬 i submitted a request for a peer notetaker for micro because i simply cannot comprehend what this man is saying and also get it all down on the slides. i really like the prof but his particular style of lecturing is really hard for me to follow)

🧬 did week 2 notes for genetics

🧬 submitted gene chapter 3 hw attempt 2 of 2 (got 100%!!)

🧬 biochem quiz 1 (got an 88%! pretty happy with this even though she was open notes)

🧬 watched biochem pre-lecture videos for class today

health:

🌺 slept in a couple times

🌺 ate some good breakfasts (no pics this time cause they were messy)

🌺 took medicine to feel better

🌺 generally took it easy

personal:

🧚 laundry

🧚 dishes

🧚 watched disney movies while doing notes and studying amino acids all day friday

🧚 went grocery shopping

🧚 had dinner with my best friend on friday

🧚 hangout with bible study group friday night! should’ve brought homework to casually work on while yapping. def will do next time

🧚 went to a sporting event for my university on saturday evening with the bible study group. everyone else got together beforehand but my best friend was working around lunchtime and i wasn’t feeling great so we showed up at the very start of the game and left halfway through!

🧚 went to the first part of the service for my primary church choir job on sunday and then scurried over to my regular church

🧚 (tw: grief) sunday marked five years since my mom and i lost my dad, so in the evening my roommate/big sister watched gravity falls with me. i had a few episodes left of season 2 (was familiar with the premise of the show and the characters prior to this but didn’t know all the plot) and we watched all but the last one but i wasn’t super paying attention so yesterday morning i decided to rewatch them

🧚 whilst watching the show i fixed my roommate’s cardigan that had a gap in the collar where the two panels had unraveled from each other

🧚 one of my adopted littles from my choir came over to study and yap (mostly yap) yesterday morning. she hadn’t seen my apartment yet at all so it was super fun to show her everything esp since we just decorated our living room!

🧚 went to michaels w big sister to get embroidery thread because she decided she wanted me to embroider a heart on the sleeve of her cardigan and do a matching one on one of mine 💞

🧚 @sleeping-academic came over and we went and got tea, studied some, then went and picked up dinner and she finished watching the end of gravity falls with me. i was so so normal about this children’s show! absolutely nothing to have seen, move along. she also got to meet my roommate for the first time and we all got to talk which was super nice!!!

1. amino acid structure practice!

2. big sister’s new plants

3. mushrooms growing in the potted plants outside my mom’s house

4. tea with @sleeping-academic!! thank you friend <3

🎶 song on loop: “vigilante shit” - taylor swift. entering my mad girl/bad b*tch era—in a nutshell, i’m learning to be a lot more conservative with my energy and time and emotional resources (as well as the importance of doing this in the first place) and i’m no longer sorry about it 😂

📖 current book: —

🕰️ time focused: idek but i got a good amount of stuff done!

have errands to do and a bunch of micro to read today. stay tuned!!

xx

[dayscapism]

K-Dramas recommendations & short reviews

Because I've watched way too many to not make a list. Warning: I like romance and fantasy a bit too much.

These shows made me cry. 10/10. Five stars. Recommend to anyone. They live in my mind rent-free:

Extraordinary Attorney Woo (2022) - Attorney Woo is such a wonderful person, I love her character. I can't say much about the representation, but I like that it opens up the conversation around autism & neurodivergence, discrimination and prejudice, particularly in work environments. I rarely like shows about law or lawyers but I was surprisingly engaged with the cases and the story. It deserves a second season. (The only thing I don't like about this show is they're pushing for a MinWoo and Choi Su-Yeon ship. Which huh--disrespectful.)

Hotel Del Luna (2019) - A great place to start with k-dramas if you like paranormal fantasy. This show has such a special place in my heart. I wanted a different ending but I am okay with it because it was a tight narrative. The main character is iconic (Man-Wol please step on me). The show has amazing sets, AMAZING costumes, an amazing OST, amazing and heartbreaking performance by Yeo Jin Goo. The main couple is so soft; like they're such good friends and coworkers and gentle with each other (eventually). It's enemies to reluctant friends to lovers. It's perfect for asexual viewers who want more than physicality in their romance shows. Cons: the secondary characters' goodbyes and backstories left a little to be desired. A few other nitpicks like Chang-Seong is the one to suggest the main character a new hobby instead of her just discovering it by herself.

It's Okay to Not Be Okay (2020) - Also a good place to start with k-dramas. This show is a lesson in good narrative; this has perfect writing & storytelling. The cast is so good. The female lead is an icon. The character work I excellent. The mental health issues are so well addressed and it taught me a lot about mental health I wasn't aware of. Each small minor character plays a very important thematic role. (The villain isn't the best thing ever but she serves her role in the themes and plot.) The production and the storytelling with the children's book animations are just *heart eyes*. The OST is so good too. You need to watch this to understand how good a k-dramas can be. A must-watch.

Goblin: The Lonely and Great God (2016) - This is the most iconic fantasy/paranormal k-drama ever. A lot of current tropes were started here I think (including the weird k drama last-episode time jump separation of the main couple). This show broke me. You will cry. The bromance and comedy are amazing here too. Gong Yoo and Dong Wook Lee have great chemistry. Main female lead is so cute and her character is so heartwarming. The ending felt a bit rushed. The death, existential related stuff with the grim reapers and such is so good tho.

Business Proposal (2022) - Best rom-com ever! (Well, it could be gayer tbh.) It's my new comfort show. I already watched it twice. It's campy, hilarious, chaotic, iconic and messy in a way that feels like real life (but obviously played up for drama and comedy). Excellent character work. The love interest is definitely written by a woman. Gorgeous cast (Sejeon omg I have a crush, but also the others). It was too short! I would have loved another episode, and more of Grandpa and Ha-Ri. Warning: this has the weird kdrama last-episode time jump couple separation.

W: Two Worlds (2016) - A young resident medic accidentally finds her way inside the webcomic her father created. Like, that premise is killer. We have Lee Jong Suk at his finest here; the character fits him so well. He was born to play a lead. This show has amazing meta-commentary on writing, authorship, and existential crisis. The confrontation between the webcomic character Kang Cheol and the author is insane! The main couple is an epic pair. Would rewatch. High wump value. Cons: The second part could have been more swoony with the romance, Kang Cheol kind of became a bit cold. (A warning: this show also has the k drama weird last-episode time jump couple separation.)

Would recommend with popcorn, I rate them 8/10:

Crash Landing on You (2019) - Really good. The main couple has the best chemistry I've ever seen. It's not that much of a personal fave show, but still pretty awesome and will tug at your heart. It got a bit overly dramatic in the last episodes and again, has that k-drama last episode weird time jump couple separation, but here it actually makes sense. And sort of mirrors the separation and eventual unification of the Korean Peninsula. It was very interesting to see the contrast between North and South Korea.

Shooting Stars (2022) - Aside from the terrible, horrible, insulting Africa storyline (where the male lead goes to 'help' African kids with water scarcity, not even a country name is called, he just goes to *gestures vaguely* Africa to help goddammit he's such a beautiful soul! /s) There's a weird creepy sugar mommy wannabe side storyline and it's weird and out of nowhere. But the rest of it is good and campy and the main characters are so cute. All the couples are cute. The male lead is a cute disaster. Female lead is also a capable cutey but a disaster when it comes to romance. It's hilarious. I love all characters. It's fun. It's great. It shows a very interesting side of the entertainment industry.

While You Were Sleeping (2017) - A man and a woman who don't know each other have precognition powers and after they meet, they use them to take down a corrupt lawyer. The show isn't very heavy on the romance, tough the pair work pretty well together. I liked the main actress. Lee Jong Suk has chemistry with anyone. The male role was not exactly a good fit for Jong Suk. He's so much more naturally charming than the character. It's a fun show to pass the time. The found family is nice and all the characters work great together. The mom is great.

The King's Affection (2021) - I'm going to be honest, I didn't finish watching this. Ups. I got bored after episode 15. It's a very slow show but what I watched was quite good. It was just not a show for me. Having a bisexual male lead was awesome, I appreciate that he falls for the main character while he thinks she's a man. (Could be gayer tho, just saying.) Pretty good discussions and reversals of gender cliches. It has complicated parent-child relationships that are very well written which gives a lot of heart and heartbreak to this story. The political stuff gets very convoluted. I really wish the queer part was bigger though, and not limited to the main couple. We could even have poly representation! I still have half a mind to finish this but I don't know There are so many other shows I'd rather watch instead. (Boy, I really need to get into the actually queer side of k-dramas because the side I'm currently on is giving me crumbs.)

Lovers of the Red Sky (2021) - The premise was so cool. This has so much lore I like and the setting is beautiful and rich, but it also has so much lost potential. The plot is very weak in the second half and could be restructured. I loved the atmosphere, costumes and the actors and their characters: the blind cursed scholar nobleman, the female genius cheeky painter and her friend trio and the prince are all great characters. Ahn Hyo Seop is pretty good in it and looks very pretty indeed in historical costume (but the design of the villain creature he's possessed/cursed with is so, so bad omg). Great premise failed execution. Good first half but it went over the rails quickly. Still entertaining if you like historical fantasy.

Romance is a Bonus Book (2019) - It's a bit slow and could have done so much more with the female lead and her child. She's a bit underwhelming and her daughter is barely in the story. The second female character played by Jeong Eu-Gene was awesome, I love this actress now. Lee Jung Suk is always looking hot and being an excellent actor with what he's given; he's very charming here. He could have chemistry with a piece of wood and yet I wasn't that fan of the romance. Maybe it's just because friends to lovers isn't my cup of tea. There's a weird out-of-nowhere backstory between the male leads. The commentary of ageism in the workplace is a bit surface level (it's not that big of a deal for the company if you're overqualified for a job, the point should be that is an issue for you and your career, who is too good for the company). You can tell the writers really care about books; it's definitely a love letter to editors and an interesting window into the world of book publishing; you can feel the love editors put into making books. Bonus: the founding members of the publishing company have very funny moments.

Do no recommend:

King: Eternal Monarch - Couldn't even finish this. I was so, so confused. The dialogue, narrative and backstory make no sense! Everything is so unnecessarily confusing. There's no chemistry between the main couple. The king and the bodyguard had more chemistry. Lee Jung-Jin (playing the villain Lee Lim) & Woo Do-Hwan (the bodyguard) carried this show and are pretty much the only thing good about it. The female lead is sidelined. It had an intriguing premise but failed execution.

What's Wrong With Secretary Kim - Skimmed most of the second half. It's a mess. The love interest CEO is such a narcissist and asshole he wouldn't be able to keep a working, healthy relationship with his partner without some serious therapy first. The female lead seems to be repulsed by him most of the time even when together and even looks scared when they get intimate. There's an unnecessarily convoluted plotline about the main lead's brother and a kidnapping in their past. It has tonal issues and it's cringy rather than funny. The secondary characters are just a lot of useless filler. The female lead sacrifices her independence and dreams to be with the main guy. Just go watch Business Proposal instead.

Moon Lovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo - The only pro of this show is IU. The romance went the undeveloped route. Cheap-looking production, with too many episodes, melodramatic, characters pivot in place instead of naturally developing; it's definitely a telenovela. The point that the female lead is from the future doesn't even matter for the story (should have made her a Goryeo historian instead of a random cosmetologist). Pass!

Tomorrow - Could not finish watching. Please, please don't watch it if you're dealing with depression, bullying or suicidal thoughts. Please don't. By episode 2 I was just screaming at the screen. Problematic? This show invented the word problematic. The supernatural task force that's supposed to save people with suicide risk is terrible at therapy and suicide prevention. They tell the person trying to commit suicide, literally on the edge of a building about to jump, that they should do it, that they're weak, they should just jump, go ahead! Like ... what????

Mystic Pop Up Bar - Didn't capture me by episode 2. Got bored. Some say this is better than Hotel Del Luna but I don't agree.

Abyss - It's a weird tonal mix. Would have preferred if it leaned further into the absurd (go all in with the humour or don't at all), the sci-fi or the murder mystery. Instead of just revealing by episode 3 who the murderer is, quickly changing the plot into a chase after the villain, even though he's so lame. But also he is keeps killing people and it gets dark. And then we cut to the main couple being silly and cute. It's so jarring. The leads have a great dynamic and Ahn Hyo Seop knows how to differentiate his characters really well, give them their own flavour., but in the end it's just a cool premise, failed execution. Very average.

Currently watching:

The Crowned Clown - Very interesting concept and gorgeous, gorgeous visuals. Plot drags a little. Has some tonal problems and oversimplification of politics. The best part is when Yeo Jin-Goo acts with himself haha. He's such a talented actor.

The Uncanny Counter - Get's a bit melodramatic sometimes but all four main actors are insanely good.

Tale of the Nine-Tailed - The main romantic relationship needs a lot more development, but the entire show is worth watching just for Dong Wook Lee and Kim Bum as brothers.

Alchemy of Souls - 6/10 so far. Currently watching season 2/part 2. Aside from the prince, I don't particularly care for any of the characters. Unpopular opinion but the main romantic pair have no chemistry. Mu-Deok has more chemistry with Yul and the prince, and the prince has more chemistry with Jang-Uk. The lore is confusing and inconsistent: it breaks its own rules. (Two souls in one body what?? when was this established as a thing?) There's not enough foreshadowing and setting up the rules of magic in this world (the Ice Stone comes up as a deux ex mahcina big plot point in the last second). It also drags; the episodes are too long. There's a lot of saying and ultimately the show doesn't deliver. The narrative structure is straight out of a fantasy Wattpad. The set and costumes are fun and cool for a fantasy world, and the first episode was great.  

[its-jaytothemee]

Until I Met You - Chapter 24

Chapter 24: The Sound of Nature

Pairings: Halsin x Tav

Word count: 5,752

Rating: Currently M, will be Explicit in later chapters.

Read on AO3

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Summary: The gang sets up their first camp in the shadow cursed lands, now welcoming Arabella to their humble campsite. Halsin recalls the first time he met Thaniel. Part 24 of the slow burn fic. Tav and Halsin POVs.

Tags: Slow burn, mutual pining, hurt/comfort, emotional hurt/comfort, fluff, eventual love confessions, eventual smut, angst, implied past rape/non-con and abuse, graphic description of injuries, brief suicidal thoughts.

A/N: I just love Arabella and I think she would love bothering everyone in camp. I also wanted to try and give my idea of Halsin meeting Thaniel for the first time which I hope you enjoy <3.

Also I know elves typically have their baby names vs. adult names but we don't know Halsin's so for now he's still just...Halsin.

Halsin stood back and admired his handiwork. The simple tent was the perfect size for him to sleep in, the few items he had acquired during their travels spread in a neat arrangement around the perimeter. As enjoyable as it was to sleep under the stars and even in the open darkness of the Underdark, the unnatural chill of the shadow curse was something else entirely. This land held no love of life and nature and he wished to distance himself from it whenever possible.

The others had finished setting up as well, each of their plots spreading out along the lake shore just outside of Last Light. Karlach and Lae’zel had rearranged logs and boulders around the fire pit for everyone to use as seats. On one of those logs, Tav sat with Arabella nestled in front of her, Karlach sat cross-legged on the ground next to her, laughing at something the young girl said.

Tav was helping her fix and comb her hair that had become disheveled and untamed during her time wandering alone among the shadows. He leaned against a tree and watched the tender scene unfold in front of him. Karlach said something indecipherable that caused a loud laugh from the other two. As Tav pulled Arabella’s hair back to tie it out of her face again, she looked to the side and caught him staring. She smiled back at him and nodded her head to signal him over to them.

He hesitated, as much as he wanted to go enjoy her company, he didn’t want to chase Arabella away. But once Tav gave a much more exaggerated nod of her head to beckon him over, he gave in and wandered over.

“Hello, my friends.” He greeted them as he took a seat on the other side of the campfire.

Arabella gave him a suspicious look before turning to Karlach and Tav. They each nodded to her with an encouraging smile.

“I trust you’re settling in, young one?” Halsin kept his voice soft and gentle as he spoke to her.

“It’s better than hiding in rickety wagons on the road and fighting evil shadows all the time.” She still gave him a wary look but didn’t move away from him.

“Can you tell him about your new powers? The ones you showed us when we found you?” Tav asked as she put the finishing touches on her hair.

“Am I going to get in trouble again?” Arabella’s eyes darted between him and Tav.

“You aren’t in any trouble here, love. Halsin just wants to help you, you can trust him.”

Halsin tried to keep himself as inviting and non-threatening as possible, but it was obvious that her time with Kagha had scarred her deeply. Shame boiled up inside of him again at the thought.

“Okay…” She started to tell him about the abilities she had developed since she grabbed the idol from the grove. How she could conjure vines and feel magical pulls from nature all around her. No one seemed to know how she was able to pass through the shadows, though. They had found her closer to Moonrise, where the shadows would have been even stronger.

Now that he was able to get a little closer, the connection was undeniable. Silvanus’s presence surrounded her like a warm blanket, a warmth he craved and knew well. He was rather certain now that she had been blessed by the Oak Father.

“…and there was another tiefling boy that I saw in the graveyard. I didn’t recognize him though. He asked me to play with him, but I couldn’t find him again after he hid.”

“Did you say you saw another little boy?” Halsin froze.

“Yeah, but not one who was traveling with us.”

“Arabella, can you tell me what he looked like?” He tried to keep his voice level, the last thing he needed was to scare her off. Tav was giving him a puzzled look over the flames.

Could it be? Could she have met Thaniel?

“He had white hair and curly horns. I think he had two different colored eyes too.” She looked off in the distance as she thought. “I didn’t want to leave him behind, but I couldn’t find him again.”

No. Not Thaniel. But who was it?

“Thank you for sharing, little one.” He offered her a small smile as his mind started to race. “You’ve been very brave to wander this land on your own.”

She grinned at that, seeming proud that her efforts were being appreciated. Tav’s eyes were still searching his expression.

“Thanks for fixing my hair. Usually, my mum would do that but…” She started tracing some shapes in the dirt next to her.

“Anytime.” Tav squeezed her shoulders.

“Okay, kiddo. Out of the way, it’s mama K’s turn!” She gently nudged the little tiefling out of the way so she could sit in front of Tav. Arabella giggled as Karlach tickled her to get her to move.

“I’m sorry, I don’t remember agreeing to this new job. You think I have nothing better to do than sit around braiding hair all night?” Tav teased even though she was already starting to work her hands into Karlach’s wavy locks.

“Oh no, I’m the one who should be sorry,” Karlach started to tease back, “should I have let Halsin have another turn first?”

He choked on the small sip of water he had taken. Tav yanked Karlach back by her hair, causing her to yelp and then laugh. She muttered something in her ear that he couldn’t quite hear, but her cheeks and ears had turned pink again. He reached up to fidget with the small braid on the back of his head she had weaved into his hair that morning.

He let out an uncomfortable chuckle as he rubbed the back of his neck. Tav was silently untangling Karlach’s hair, her lips pursed, the taunting grin on their friend’s face still aimed at him. Arabella, who didn’t seem to pick up on the uncomfortable tension around her, broke the silence.

“I’m going to walk around the camp. I want to see what the deal is with that skeleton man.” She pointed at Withers.

“Stay within the torches!” Tav called after her without looking up, still not willing to make eye contact with Halsin.

“I erm, I think I’ll turn in a little early tonight. Arabella’s new abilities have given me much to think about and I need to meditate.”

“Of course. We can talk more in the morning.” Tav gave him a quick, sheepish glance as she continued working on Karlach’s hair.

“’Night Halsin!” Karlach cooed at him. He heard a light smack as he walked away, guessing it was Tav slapping her.

He didn’t mind the teasing, he knew it was innocent enough coming from Karlach. It did, however, cause his mind to wander once more. He would never admit it to her, but seeing Tav sit with the others combing and braiding their hair caused the smallest pang of jealousy in his gut. 

Even though he just spent that precious time with her earlier that morning he already craved her touch once more. Why couldn’t he be more like Karlach? Simply walking up and asking for what he wanted, knowing Tav would agree enthusiastically.

He spent the rest of the evening in his new tent, praying and thinking. From his little patch of land, he could see the rest of the camp stretched out before him. As the hours ticked by, each of his companions began making their way back to their tents to turn in for the evening. Astarion was the last one awake since he had offered to be on watch duty this evening.

Despite the shadows being held at arm’s length, Halsin tossed and turned in his small tent throughout the night as he tried to settle into a trance. The Underdark environs had been unforgiving, but nothing compared to the unsettling cold and darkness of the shadow curse. At least the memory he saw tonight was a happy one.

He found himself running through a forest, as lush and vibrant as it could be in the midst of summer. His bare little feet padded across the dirt as his older brother chased him in a rousing game of tag. The soft sound was absorbed into the surrounding trees as they ran.

Halsin giggled with a jubilance only found in childhood, in someone still unburdened by responsibility. A thick wall of shrubs caught his attention as he heard his sibling catching up to him. He dove into the leaves, crouching low to stay out of sight. Rustling on the other side slowly faded into the distance as he heard his brother run right past his hiding spot. He stifled another laugh at his successful trick.

Without thinking, he took a step back and caught his foot at a bad angle in some protruding roots. He felt his ankle pop as he fell to the ground with a cry of pain. 

When he tried to take his foot back, he noticed it was stuck between the roots. Panic took over as he pulled without success on his leg. He just ended up twisting his ankle further. Tears started to run down his face as he turned and pulled on his leg, desperately trying to relieve the tension from the roots.

“Help!” He cried out, hoping his brother was nearby. “I’m stuck!”

“You’re not stuck!” A small voice called out from the tree above him, causing a startled yelp.

“W-who’s there?” Halsin looked up in the leaves, trying to find the source of the voice. An ethereal giggle floated down from the branches in response.

“Silly elf!” The voice called out again.

“I’m not being silly! My foot is caught in the roots!”

“Then ask them to let you go!” Another laugh rang from the tree.

“I don’t know how!” Halsin started to cry again, the pain in his ankle worsened with each pull on his leg.

All of a sudden, a young boy with small antlers appeared in front of him. His antlers looked like they were made of carved wood. He wore a simple leather tunic not unlike Halsin’s own and looked to be about his age.

“Would you like me to show you?” The boy offered his hand. He could only nod in response.

“Okay, sit up like this.” He helped lift Halsin’s back off the ground. “Place your hand anywhere on the roots.”

He did as he was told, touching one hand to the roots closest to him.

“Now, close your eyes,” the young boy smiled at him, and despite the pain he felt, it made Halsin smile too, “you must be sure your mind is unburdened. Think only of the feeling of nature around you. Listen to the whisper of the trees, hear the wind’s song, the flowers’ jests, the hum of the dirt, the silence of the rocks – pay attention to how they work together to create the forest.”

“Okay…” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to make the other boy’s imagery come into his own mind. After sitting in silence for a moment, he opened his eyes with a frustrated grunt.

“I don’t hear anything. I don’t think the trees like me,” Halsin pouted.

“Be patient. Open your heart to nature, and nature will listen.”

He narrowed his eyes at the peculiar boy in front of him.

“Who are you? I haven’t seen you around here before.”

“My name is Thaniel.” He smiled that comforting smile again. “What’s yours?”

“I’m Halsin. Halsin Silverbough.”

“Try again, Halsin Silverbough. Open your heart, hear nature’s symphony.”

He looked at Thaniel again, studying his eyes. It was as if he could see the spirit of the forest itself in his dark irises. Reluctantly, he closed his eyes again and listened.

Halsin heard the trees first. The faintest whisper tickled his ears. Once he could hear their whispers, the rest of the sounds came easily. The wind blew through the strands of his hair like they were wind chimes, leaving a soft, sweet melody behind. He heard the deafening silence of the rocks around him, the pleasant humming of the dirt beneath him. The flowers around him on the ground laughed alongside the flowers vining up the tree trunks.

“See? You’re not stuck.” Thaniel giggled again. When he opened his eyes, he saw the roots had retreated away from his foot.

“How…how did I do that?”

“You spoke to nature, and nature listened.”

Before he could speak again, Halsin heard his mother’s voice calling out to him.

“Halsin?” She came running through the bushes he had jumped through earlier.

“Ah! Halsin, darling, what are you doing?”

“I got stuck, mama. But I got my foot out of the roots.”

She looked down at his scratched and bruised ankle, concern growing in her eyes.

“Come here, my boy. Let’s get you home and clean up those scratches.” She smiled at him as she bent down to pick him up in her arms. As she walked away, he looked back over her shoulder. Thaniel stood at the base of the tree, waving to him. He waved back with a grin, thrilled to have found a new friend.

Halsin opened his eyes to the churning shadows surrounding their camp. For just a moment longer, he could still feel his mother’s warm arms around him, carrying him to safety.

Open your heart, hear nature’s symphony.

He closed his eyes and listened just as he had thousands of times in his long life. The trees here no longer whispered, they wept. The wind didn’t sing, it whimpered. Not enough flowers lived to hear their jests. The dirt hissed instead of hummed. The rocks were still silent, but it was an empty, hollow silence.

And still nothing from Thaniel.

Even his years spent in meditation, nurturing his connection to the world around him, was not enough to break through these shadows. The fact that he couldn’t hear even a trace of him in the land surrounding them all but confirmed his theory that he was trapped in the Shadowfell. Or at least on a different plane. After his conversation with Arabella, he had hoped that there could be an echo or some semblance of a connection to Thaniel still lingering among the shadows.

Having no luck with his meditation, he decided to go and warm up by the fire. As usual, he hoped to catch Tav before the others began to stir for the day. His hope was rewarded today with the sight of her awake and sitting on the ground, leaning against one of the logs they had rolled over for seating. 

She heard him coming and turned to give him a big, bright smile. One bright enough to push the darkness away. Enough to burn away the veil that had obscured his vision for so long.

Halsin was playing a dangerous game with himself, he knew. On one hand, spending time with Tav helped him feel light and happy. It helped keep the shadows from clouding his mind entirely. On the other, every laugh, smile, and touch from her brought forth an aching desire in his chest. One that came back quicker and stronger each day he spent in her company. Whenever he tried to pull away, that invisible tether tying his heart to hers jerked him forward even further than before.

He was so close to fulfilling his duty. So close to keeping his promise and fully proving himself in the eyes of Silvanus. Yet, as he took eager steps toward her, he found none of those burdens weighing on his mind. He only saw that beautiful smile and thought only of how he could steal those sweet little touches from her this morning.

***

Tav had wandered out by the fire after waking from another visit from her dream guardian. She still wasn’t sure what to make of him. Thus far, the golden paladin had been nothing but helpful and a source of protection. But an irksome doubt gnawed at the back of her mind. 

How was this visitor able to reside in the prism? And how were they able to communicate to them in their dreams? 

The way he spoke, he had also been infected with an illithid tadpole, but he said it had been a long time ago as well, maybe before the Absolute cult had come about. So how had he prevented his own ceremorphosis?

More questions than answers once again. She rubbed her eyes to brush away the last bit of fatigue as she approached the fireside. Astarion was still awake, his diligent red eyes scanning the perimeters of the camp.

“Hey there.” She sat down next to him.

“Hello, my friend.” He seemed distant.

“Something on your mind?”

“More than I care to recount,” he scoffed.

“Fair enough. I can take over watch if you want to go get some rest.” Tav offered as she tossed a couple more sticks onto the fire. Astarion stayed still and silent.

“Or if you’d rather stay here that’s alright too.” She smiled as he shifted uncomfortably in place. They sat in silence for a while, he seemed to be building up the courage to say something.

“I uh, I have something to ask you, and I really need you to say yes.” His quiet, nervous voice caused her to panic a bit.

“I’ll do my best.” She turned to face him.

“I want you to look at the scars on my back and tell me if you understand anything.”

“Is that it?” Tav asked, surprised. With the way he spoke, she was worried he was going to ask her to kill someone or commit some other crime on his behalf. He gave a frustrated grunt.

“It might not seem like much, but this is a difficult step for me to take,” he snapped at her. “If you won’t help…”

“No!” She responded quickly. “I’m happy to help, Astarion. With the way you were talking I thought you were going to be asking for something impossible, that’s all. I’m always happy to help you when you need it, and I hope I didn’t give you the impression that I wasn’t.”

“It’s not that. I’m just not used to my requests for help being met with well…help. Being able to ask for it is new for me.”

“Well, they’ll be met with help while you travel with me,” she assured him. “Now, let me take a look.”

Astarion took a deep breath before removing the light ruffled shirt he wore around camp. Once again, she saw the elaborate scars covering his back. The intricacies of infernal were lost on her, but perhaps she could see something in the way they were carved.

“Did Cazador say anything about why he did this?” she asked, keeping her voice light and gentle.

“He said it was a poem. I’m sure he said plenty more about it, but I couldn’t hear it over the sound of my own screaming.” The vitriol in his voice poisoned the very air around them. “He always said mine sounded the sweetest.”

It didn’t look like a poem, but for all she knew, devils wrote poems differently than they did in Faerûn.

“I’m sorry, just looking at these I can tell the carving must have been unbearable.” She tentatively reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder. He tensed under her touch but didn’t pull away.

“That’s one way to describe it, yes.” He relaxed after a moment. “Can you tell what it says?”

“No, I can’t make any of the symbols out. But I don’t think it’s a poem. It looks more like an incantation or spell in my opinion, but I can’t read infernal.” She let her hand drop from his shoulder.

“We could always ask Karlach, or maybe Wyll or Gale could read it, I–” Tav tried to offer more suggestions, but he cut her off.

“No! No, that’s quite alright. I don’t need everyone leering at me with pity like some poor kicked puppy.” He grabbed his shirt and quickly covered himself once more. Tav nodded, deciding not to push him further.

“I think I will go get some rest now.” He stood up and started to walk away, but turned around before he reached his tent. “Thank you, by the way. This is, well…it’s something.”

“You’re welcome. Let me know if you change your mind.”

He gave her one more small nod before disappearing behind the red canvas walls of his tent. She took a quick lap around the perimeter of the camp to check that the torches were still lit. By the time she circled back to the center of camp, Lunari was up and waiting for her.

They sat together by the fire, her loyal wolf companion curled up in the dirt with her head on Tav’s lap. So many nights had been spent exactly like this. Just the two of them by a fire outside of a makeshift tent in the forest. As grateful as she was for her new friends, overwhelming days like today made her long for the quiet adventures she used to take on her own. The feeling was short-lived as she heard footsteps approaching from her side. She turned to see Halsin striding toward the fire, a soft smile on his face.

“Good morning.” Tav called out as he sat on the ground next to her. “Or at least I think it’s morning.”

“I suppose our hold on the time of day has lapsed slightly over the past week or so.” He let out a small grunt as he stretched his arms out in front of him and over his head, the muscles in his shoulders flexing and relaxing with the movements.

She snapped her head forward to keep herself from staring too intently, but her mind had already started to wander. How she wanted to run her hands over his back and shoulders, pressing into the muscles to relieve the tension, leaving trails of kisses in the wake of her fingers.

“Where is Arabella?” Halsin’s voice wrenched her out of her fantasies. “I thought we had set up a small spot for her by the fire?”

Tav smirked. “She found a more comfortable spot.” She nodded her head to where the little tiefling was lying between Scratch and Sniff. The sweet dog had curled around her while Sniff laid in her lap.

“It was good of you to allow her to stay with us. I know it may be an adjustment having a child around, but she obviously trusts you.”

“Well, I wasn’t going to just leave her in the wilderness. And when we were at Last Light, she just seemed so scared despite being surrounded by her people. If for some strange reason she feels safer with us, who am I to deny her?”

Halsin just smiled back at her.

“What do you make of her new abilities?” He had the evening to consider it now, and she was curious about his thoughts.

“My initial instinct is that she’s been blessed by Silvanus.” He gave a beguiled chuckle.

“If Silvanus can provide a blessing to pass through the shadows, then why…” Tav trailed off when she saw the pain in Halsin’s eyes.

“I’m not sure if that was the source of her protection or not, but it is almost certainly the source of her powers. He must have seen something in her when she took that idol. Or perhaps this is his way of apologizing for her treatment at his followers’ hands.” Shame clouded his expression.

“You aren’t responsible for Kagha’s choices, Halsin.”

“I am, though. I understand the sentiment, and I appreciate it, but I was First Druid. I left Kagha in charge in my absence, an absence that I now see was caused by a foolhardy decision on my part. She was my responsibility and I failed to teach her properly.” He sighed. “I saw how the tieflings looked at me. They harbor that same resentment toward me now.”

Tav thought on his words for a moment, not wanting to add to his guilt.

“Foolhardy or not, that choice led you here. You said this is where you needed to be, right?”

“I suppose that’s one way to look at it. But if I had only waited a few more days, we could have met amidst more…amicable surroundings.”

“And what if we had?” Tav asked, he furrowed his brow. “Would you have still come with us?”

“I…I don’t know. My journey away from the grove started with a search for the hidden temple of Selûne and the path to Moonrise. Without that possibility, I’m not sure if I would have left.”

“Well then, I’m glad you made your reckless decision if it means you could travel with me,” she smiled before a quick addition of, “with us, I mean.”

“As am I.”

Tav shifted the conversation again before she could start to blush.

“How are you doing after our time at Last Light?” She had been worried about him since she left him sitting by the lake.

“Better, thank you. I apologize for my outburst. Learning of Ketheric Thorm’s survival was troublesome to say the least.”

“Nothing to be sorry for. I struggled with the news myself.” She shivered as a cool breeze blew past them. “Do you think we’ll ever get used to that chill?”

“Perhaps we don’t have to.” His voice had quieted.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s true that the shadow curse is as foul as I remember it. But with the Oak Father’s guidance, we could see it banished from these lands.” He fidgeted with his hands in his lap.

Once again, he hinted to more knowledge about the curse. So many nights ago, he had told her to put it from her mind. But now they were here, and the shadows were as thick and terrifying as ever. They would be wandering into the heaviest of them over the next couple of days and she needed to know more.

“Okay, I have to ask again.” Tav picked at a nail that had broken. “Now that we’re here among the shadows, is there any more you can tell me about how they can be banished?”

He took a deep breath before nodding.

“This land is a living being, in the form of a young fey boy with the forest in his eyes. His name is Thaniel.”

“Thaniel?”

“The spirit of this land.” A fond smile crept across his face. “Though he looks the part of a child, he is so much more than that.”

Tav listened in silence.

“When I was a young boy, my family moved to be with a small community of wood elves in the woods outside of Reithwin. I met Thaniel one day while I was out playing with my brother. I tried to tell my parents and the other elves in the village, but no one had seen him before.

“But I kept seeing him. I would seek him out in the forest, and we would spend our afternoons playing together. But as I grew, he remained the same. He taught me how to commune with nature, and eventually with Silvanus himself. After a few years, I discerned that he was the spirit of the land itself.” Halsin sniffled lightly as a few tears ran down his face.

“To me though, he was simply a friend. My first friend.”

“Does he still live here? Even among the curse?” Tav reached out to hold one of his hands.

“I can only hope. After the shadows were unleashed, I was no longer able to speak with him in my meditations. I feared he was lost, but after years of prayers and pleas to Silvanus, I think he may be imprisoned in the Shadowfell.”

“That…is no small task, Halsin. You’re talking about entering Shar’s domain to save him. It will be dangerous to say the least.” She shuddered at the thought.

“Dangerous, yes, and necessary. But I still don’t know where to start.” His tone had grown more frustrated.

“What should we be looking for?”

“Anything that mentions the Shadowfell, or a boy with the forest in his eyes. It is unlikely that we will find a living witness, but there could be echoes of what we seek. If you find anything out of the ordinary, please come find me right away.”

“I’ll keep a look out.” She gave him a small, close-lipped smile.

“Thank you, my friend.”

They sat together watching the fire and trying to keep their minds from diving too far into the shadows. Tav told him of their fight against the Absolute convoy earlier and of the problem they now faced with Karlach’s engine. She filled him in on her conversation with Jaheira. Leaving out the part about her family of course. He listened patiently as she sniffled her way through Jaheira’s thoughts on her brother, placing one arm around her shoulder as she tearfully recounted Karlach’s decision to remain in Faerûn.

Halsin told her of his dream, reliving the memory of his first time meeting Thaniel. She smiled along with him as he described their encounter while she tried to imagine a world where he wasn’t already a competent Archdruid. He had spoken so little of his family and hearing his wistful reminiscence about playing with his brother brought another wave of nostalgia crashing down on her.

Tav told him of their plans to head for Moonrise this morning, how they hoped to find the other tieflings imprisoned there. Once again, Halsin needed to stay in camp. It was the safer option anyway. She wasn’t sure how they would sneak him in without a tadpole.

“You’re still faring well in camp, I hope? I’m sure it can be lonely some days when we all leave to go adventuring.” Tav broke their comfortable silence.

“Well, I’m lucky enough to be kept company by the small trail of animal companions you’ve picked up along the way,” he chuckled as Lunari headbutted his shoulder. “It’s of course not easy being amongst the shadow curse again. But your camp…” He trailed off for a moment before turning to look at her.

“…your company has been a most welcome solace. For so long I thought I would be facing this part of my journey alone. It means a great deal to have you all here with me. I don’t know that I could have done without it. Thank you, for everything.”

“You’re most welcome.” She leaned over to rest her head on his shoulder.

“How do you stay so modest after everything? I would have met any number of terrible fates if not for you. Rotting away in a goblin prison cell, dying in an assault on the Emerald Grove, passing away from the sheer misery of sharing a camp with Aradin and his band of mercenaries.”

She let out an amused snort. “He was a prick.” Halsin’s soft laugh in response shook her head resting on him.

“There has been more good done in the short time I’ve known you than in a century before. No words exist to describe how thankful I am to have met you and for the things you’ve done on my behalf.”

“No words necessary. I understand how you feel.”

“Yes…” Tav felt his breath catch. “Yes, I think you might.”

She turned to see him staring down at her, those green eyes so gentle yet intense.

“…Forgive me. Sometimes I forget myself, gazing on the beauty of nature’s creations.”

Tav could feel a warm blush coming over her chest and creeping all the way up to the pointed tips of her ears.

You’re beautiful.

His words from that first night by the glowing pond came back to slam into her, knocking the wind out of her lungs. Somehow, he managed to fluster her again, with such a simple but heartfelt admiration.

“Halsin?” She inched just a little closer to him.

“Yes?”

“Could I kiss you?” Her heart pounded against the walls of her chest, loud enough she was sure it would wake the rest of the camp. Since they met, he had been willing to flirt and tease her back, but he seemed unwilling to act.

He stared at her for what seemed like an eternity before leaning forward to rest his forehead against hers. She placed a hand on his cheek and slowly lifted her chin up, he kept his lips hovering just out of reach. His breath puffed out hot against her skin.

“Tav…” Halsin whispered as he squeezed his eyes shut. He put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her back with a gentle, but firm, grip.

“I can’t.”

She shifted her weight back onto the ground, trying to hide her disappointment.

“I understand…” She tried to muster a smile. “Forgive me, I thought...”

“Tav, please, I…” Halsin sputtered as she stood up.

“It’s okay, Halsin. Now isn’t the time or place, I understand that.” Light groans were starting to sound from their companions’ tents as they stirred from their slumbers. “I should start getting ready for the day.”

“Of course.” He folded his hands in his lap. “Good luck, please be careful.”

“Aren’t I always?” She whistled for Lunari to follow and shuffled off to her tent, desperately trying to hide the soul crushing embarrassment she felt taking over.

***

Halsin sat and watched Tav walk back toward her tent. The first night he rejected her advances she hid her disappointment well. Today, she still hid it well, he had just gotten to know her much better. 

He noticed the subtle tremble in her lower lip as she smiled back at him, a stale smile that didn’t reach her eyes. The way she tugged on her braid as she walked. And of course, the way Lunari nudged her legs, sensing her companion’s distress.

A strange feeling washed over him. Some tortuous mix of shame, regret, and guilt. Tav had been nothing but a wonderful friend to him. She had flirted with and teased him openly, and he was just selfish enough to reciprocate. He had led her to believe that something could happen between them because he couldn’t control his desires. But he was so close, so close to achieving his goals, so close to being free.

He had been so close to saying yes.

[usmsgutterson]

It Won’t Feel Like a Loss- Kaz Brekker

Okay! This is part two for YOURS, a kaz fic that I wrote and published last week. In order to read this and have it make sense, you need to go back and read the first part.

Fic type- this one is heavy angst

Warnings- mentions of death threats, depictions of threats of violence, guns are mentioned once, and murder is mentioned once. 

You didn’t see Kaz until nearly five years after you’d left. 

You were at a pet shop in a small Ravkan town, picking up an order for a collar that you’d placed the day prior. Kaz had walked in to grab dog treats, and you didn’t think it was him, at first.

In fairness to you, Ravka was not a country in short stock of white brunettes who stood at six feet tall. His cane, which he held like it was new to him, was the first giveaway. 

Though, really, you supposed the cane was new to him. It wasn’t the crows head cane you could recall him having used, but a simple brown one with a handle that had the symbols of several different saints carved into it. 

You noticed that it looked familiar, snorting a bit as you registered that you had seen it before. A dozen canes just like it were in the standing basket of a shop run by people who were the type that Kaz would’ve hated. Whether they believed in the saints or not, they were still scam artists, people who conned those gullible enough to believe their false promises. 

“You’ve purchased that from a crew of fraudulent people from the Wandering Isle,” you noted as you watched Kaz grab a bag of dog treats. “They run cons, Kaz. Just like Pekka Rollins used to.” 

“You’re bluffing,” Kaz responded. “There’s no way you could’ve gotten that information.”

“Working as the communications liaison between Ravka and all other countries of relevance for nearly five years means that I’m in the good graces of every single royal that matters. I asked Zoya for a favor, for a bit of information on the two owners. She gave me everything that her spies could find, Kaz. Several people in the Wandering Isle are still homeless because of those blokes.” 

“Ah, communications liaison for a country that drowns in it’s own debt,” Kaz responded. “That’s where you’ve been the past five years. I’ve wondered about your whereabouts since you left under the cover of midnight. Everyone else knew your address, but for some reason, I never learned it. Inej refused to give it to me, and even knocking the idiot Fjerdan onto his ass didn’t do me any good.” 

“I should kill you right now for even so much as threatening him,” you cut. “What else did you do to my friends, Kaz? What? Did you melt down Wylans flute into the head of a new cane? Did you kill someone in front of Nina and revel in the fact that she hasn’t had the means to heal them since she was dosed with parem? Did you rip Jespers guns from their holsters and threaten him with his own weapons? Did you revel in the fact that you’d proven Inej wrong as you did one terrible thing after the next, proving yourself to be a cruel man incapable of changing, incapable of even wanting to change for any person who’d ever even mattered to you in the bloody slightest?” 

“You shouldn’t’ve left,” Kaz said. Someone at the til called your name, and you collected the collar you’d ordered the previous day while Kaz paid for the dog treats he’d grabbed. 

Kaz joined you in your walk back to the townhouse you’d procured the year before, even despite the fact that there was a part of you that wished he would leave well enough alone, go back to whatever heist he’d been planning, whatever he’d needed the dog treats for. 

“You tell me that I shouldn’t have left,” you said, breaking the silence that, somehow, remained as comfortable as it was five years before. “Why, Kaz? You were ripping my heart into pieces. Why shouldn’t I have left when I deserve more than what Ketterdam had to offer?” 

“You did deserve more,” Kaz agreed. “You did. You do. You shouldn’t’ve left because people miss you. Five bloody years and I still get asked by regulars when you’ll be returning.” 

“I had to settle for a crimeless life at some point,” you said. “I deserve a townhouse, Brekker. I deserve a cat that I name something like ‘Mittens’ because the only portions of brown across it’s coat are it’s paws. I deserve to be able to live off of my early retirement and supplementary income that I get due to my early retirement. I deserve to wake up at a time of my choice. I deserve good food. Damn it all, Kaz, I deserve to be able to drink tea while I watch the sunset from my backyard.” 

“I miss you, too,” Kaz said. “It’s not just the regulars. The crows and I are in town for a series of heists over the next six months, and then we’ll be gone. Went into that shop to get treats so that I could get the guard dogs at the place we’re raiding tonight to calm down, not alert their owners of our presences. The fact that I found you at all was a coincidence.” 

“I lived in apartment close to the the palaces at first,” you said. “It made it a lot more convenient to get to work that way. Zoya was entrusted a townhouse from one of my coworkers that she could do as she pleased with once the coworker moved to Shu Han. Zoya gave it to me, told me that I could retire early if I wanted to. I took the chance, got a cat, started crocheting and bought a piece of farmland where I currently grow wheat and turn it into flour and kvas. The flour and alcohol goes to Ketterdam, lands at a Dregs owned port. I wanted to oversee the shipments getting there at one point, but I realized I was just trying to get back to Ketterdam. I wasn’t ready at that point, but I wanted to see you.” 

“Why?”

“I have loved you since we were seventeen years old. I dealt with it for a while, realized that you would never love me back, decided I deserved more, and I left. I spent the first two years after leaving feeling the regret so deep that I was entirely sure it’d gone through my bloodstream and seeped into my bones. It made me want to return to the city but weighed me down so greatly that it kept me from leaving Ravka.” 

The two of you walked in silence for the remainder of the way to your place. Kaz grinned slightly as he watched you grab your keys, unlocking your door and opening it for him as you stepped inside.

You dropped your keys in a bowl to the right of the door, took off your coat as Kaz did. You took both of your coats and hung them on separate rungs of the coatrack, grinning as you heard a trill from the living room.

“A cat who you named Mittens because the only the portions of brown across it’s coat are it’s paws,” Kaz whispered. The cat that you’d heard moments before walked into the foyer. Kaz tried his grin, turning his head slightly and feigning indifference when he registered the colors of the cats fur--a dark beige, brown at it’s paws, patches of a lighter beige lingering on it’s ears.

“I have grown to love this life, Kaz Brekker. I will not sacrifice it without reason, without it being a thousand times as good as the one for which I boarded a boat at midnight, felt my heart shattering in two as I watched the view of the harbor fade into nothing.” 

Kaz Brekker had loved you since he’d been eighteen years old. You were the one person he’d never wanted to lose, and somehow, he’d lost you. There was a point at which he was sure that it would kill him from the inside out. 

“I am not asking you to leave,” Kaz said. “I do want a second chance, but if that is something that you cannot give me at this point time, I completely understand.” 

“I loved you and I left,” you whispered, bending down to give Mittens the cat the attention he’d been asking for as he stared at you with his head tilted. “I left. It’s been five years, and I love you still. I really bloody hate that.” 

Kaz felt his heart tear itself into pieces as he watched tears cascade down your cheeks like a dam had been removed. 

“I want to stop missing you, Y/N. Another minute of it and I’m sure I’ll break down until there is nothing left of me except for the plans for heists I keep in the Slat and my reputation of being prone to ruthlessness. I am afraid that, if I have to lose you again, I will simply go mad. The idea of my life without you in it is one that I can no longer bear to think of.” 

You turned to look at him, wishing that you could walk over and press your forehead against his and tell him that he was to be in Ravka for six months. Things were going to be okay. 

But, you couldn’t. Such was not the way of things with Kaz Brekker.

“I don’t want to lose you either,” you said. “You’re here six months. Let’s make the most of it, and in the end, whether we decide to stay together or go our separate ways, it won’t feel like a loss. It’ll feel like moving on.”

“The deal is the deal, Y/N.” 

“The deal is the deal, Kaz.” 

[andydrysdalerogers]

The Type You Save ~ T H R E E

Detective James Barnes hasn't seen the love of his life in three years. Since the night she was almost caught stealing a painting. He knows it was her and she disappeared leaving him confused and heart broken.

Alexandra Richards never expected to be pulled back into her old life two years after she left it. She had found love and a home and was happy. Until a note blackmailed her to take one last job. Three years later she walked into the last person she expected to see in San Francisco. Because he lived in New York right?

They always put family before everything. And he would do anything to get his family back. Because she's the type you save.

TW: mob, death, smut, rape intentions, angst, guns, family abandonment, dub-con, manipulation

I do NOT give permission for my work to be translated or reposted on here or any other site, even if you give me credit. DO NOT REPOST MY FICS. Reblogs, comments, likes, and feedback ALWAYS appreciated

Divider by @firefly-graphics

Previous : T W O

Series Masterlist ~ Main Masterlist

She felt a hand on her arm, and she was pulled behind the building.  What the fuck Alexandra? 

“My name is Nicola.”  

James reached for her necklace. “And this necklace belongs to Alexandra Richards.   Don’t fucking lie to me Alex.”  She looked at James and he pulled her in for a kiss.  It was desperate, the urge to taste her again strong.  She melted into it, having not felt his kiss in three years.  He walked her against the wall, caging her in, not wanting her to have a chance to escape 

When they separated for air, she whimpered his name. “Jamie,” she breathed, desperation laced into it.  

“I found you.  I can’t believe I found you.” James kissed her again.  “Your eyes?” 

“Contacts.” 

He ran a hand through her hair. “I love your hair, it suits you.” He cupped her face. “Are you real? Allie, please tell me you’re real?” 

“Are you?”  A tear slid down her face. “How? Why are you here?” 

“NYPD moved us.  The commissioner got us in here.”  

“Us?” 

“Steve and me.   We caused a lot of trouble in New York.”  

Relief flooded her to know they were both moved and together. “I saw.  I’ve been watching.  You finally pissed Grey off enough for him to put out a hit.  How stupid can you be?” she scolded.  

“Me stupid?  Listen here, sweetheart, I’m not the one who stole a painting for a mob boss.”  He took her hand and walked her back to the shop. Frustration seeping slightly at her accusation of stupidity.  

Alex tried to keep up with his angry stride. “What are you doing?” 

“I’m grabbing my food and then we are going back to my apartment so Steve can see you too.”  

Alex pulled back. “James, wait, we have to talk about this.”  

“And we will.  But I found you and I am never letting go.  Family over everything remember?” He stopped.  “Why are you fighting this?” 

“I remember that its family over everything.  I know we have to talk.  But you gotta let me take care of some things first.”  

“No.  Alex, you can’t leave me.” He cupped her face again.   “I know if I let go, you’ll disappear on me and I can’t go through that again.  Please Alex.”  

Alex sighed.  “Ok, fine. It’s probably better if I explain everything first.”   

Once James had gotten his food, he retook Alex’s hand and walked the couple of blocks to the apartment.  Alex chewed on her lip. She was nervous. Would Grey find out that they reunited? Would he do the things he promised he would do if she hadn’t completed that job? Would Walker finally get his way of removing her forever?  Especially since everything was not as it seems.  

Arriving at the apartment. James kissed Alex.  “You ready for Steve?” 

“No.  He’s either going to be relieved or pissed.”  

“Sounds about right. Come on.”  

“Just one more moment, please?”  She wrapped her arms around him.  “I just need you to myself for one more moment before all hell breaks loose.”  

“That’s rude of you to say about your best friend but I’ll allow it.”  James held her tighter.  “It feels like a dream.”  

“What does?” 

“Holding you again.  I never thought that I would be able to.  I thought he took you from me.”  

“Never Jamie. I promise. I would have never let this happen if I could.”  She tilted her head up to look at him.  He pressed a kiss to her, taking one more peaceful moment.  

James opened the door.  “Punk you up?!” 

They heard a door open and heavy footsteps down the hall.  “Jesus, jerk, it’s too… Alex?!” 

“Hi Stevie.” 

Steve rushed up and crushed Alex into a hug. “Oh my god.  You’re real.”  

“Stevie… can’t… breathe…” 

“Oh,” he let go and then hugged her softer.  “You’re here.” He pulled back to look at her.  “Contacts?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Good.”  And then he pinched her on her arm hard.  

“Ow, Steve, what the fuck?” 

“That was for leaving and making us think you're missing or dead and leaving me with this one and his non dealing of emotions.” 

“I did fine.” James crossed his arms, trying to look tough.  Alex knew the toll her disappearance took on him; she felt the same way.  

“I guess I have some explaining to do. Do you guys have time?” 

“It’s our off day so yea,” Steve gestured for her to sit.  

They sat, James never letting go of her hand.  She took a deep breath and started.  

“So, a few weeks before I left, I got a letter from an old coworker of mine, warning me that Grey was looking for me.  I let it go because I knew he would never find me in New York.  I was wrong.  He called the day after the photo was published.”  

“What photo… oh, the commendation photo?” James looked at her.  

“Yeah, he found me and visited me on my lunch break the day after…” 

“It’s nice to see you, Alexandra.” Christian Grey stood in front of her, hit suit immaculate as always. Alex’s heart was pumping hard in fear.  He really had found her.  

“Cannot say the same Christian.”  

“It’s Mr. Grey.” Christian gave her a hard look.  “You are not an easy woman to find.”  

“That’s the point of getting lost in a big city, Mr. Grey.  How did you find me and what do you want?” 

“When your hero boyfriend saves a child, you tend to become easy to find.” Alex tried to keep her face still as Christian took a moment. “I want you to come back.”  

“Never going to happen.  You can leave.” She turned to walk away.  

Christian grabbed her arm.  “You still work for me, or did you forget that?” 

“The debt was paid.  I left.  End of story. Let me go.”  

“No.  I still own you, Alexandra. And I will take back what’s mine.  Otherwise, there will be consequences.”  He flashed her phone and saw a live video of James and Steve at the old diner she used to work at, having lunch.  

Her heart dropped. “Who is watching them?” 

“Walker.  Very eager.  The Hand has wanted a reason to hurt you, but I think the best way to take out those you care for.”  

“They are friends, nothing more.”  Alex kept her face neutral.  “They don’t mean anything.”  

“But they matter to you, and that’s enough.  Now,” he loosened his grip on her slightly. “I need something, and I want you to get it for me.  I know you work for Bishop Security now so access should be fairly easy.”  

“You want me to steal something?” 

“Not just something. This.” He shows a picture of a painting.  

She looked at him with shock. “You want me to steal Starry Night?  From the museum of modern art?”   

“That’s right.  I think it would look nice in my collection. Now the piece, as you know, is being moved from the showroom to an office while the renovate the gallery room they are in. You have access since it’s Bishop that is handling security.  So, take it, bring it to me and I’ll let you go.  I won’t bother into your life again.”  

“Steal this painting and I have my freedom? You’ll leave me and anyone else alone?” 

“You’ll have your freedom when I receive this painting and one more night with you, pet.” Christian licked his lips.  

“No, no deal.  I’ll steal it but you can’t have me anymore.”  

Christian grabbed her by the hair and brought her closer to him.  “I want you Alex and I know one night will bring you back to me.” He forced a kiss on her, and she bit his lip, causing him to push her away.  

“Never, I’ll never go back.  I want this debt settled.  You told me lies and I don’t want any part of it.  But I’ll do anything to protect my friends.” She wiped an errant tear away. “Two weeks.”  

Christian growled, “Two weeks.  Otherwise, Walker will have some fun with your friends.  And don’t forget about Archibald.  I’ll let Walker have fun with him too just because he was your friend.”  

Alex sat back on the couch. “I planned it out.  I knew I was going to lose my job if I was caught, and I couldn’t tell you.  But I left some clues for the 107th to look into and I hoped that you wouldn’t be put on the case.”  

“Why?” Steve asked.  

“Because you guys are the best.”  Alex smiled.  “If you didn’t investigate then maybe I could figure out a way to stay.  But when James told me about the possible heist, I knew I was screwed.” 

“So when we were in bed…” James trailed off. 

“I was holding on to you for dear life.  I didn’t want to leave.  I just didn’t see a way out.”  

“So you’re a thief.”   

“I was.” Alex clarified.  

“You are, Alex.” James stood up and paced.  “You stole the painting.”  

“I didn’t.”  

“I saw you jump from the window with the case and the painting was missing.”  

“Yes, you saw me jump with a case, but I didn’t take it.  It was a decoy.  Didn’t you follow up?” 

“No,” Steve said. “We were pulled from the case because you were reported as missing and because it was Bishop on the painting we couldn’t be on either.” Steve looked at James.  “Bucky, we never followed up.  We just let it go because we started investigating Grey.” He turned to Alex. “Alex, why didn’t you say something?  We could have helped.”  

“And risk your lives?  No thanks.  Family over everything remember?  Grey threatened to kill you both and I wasn’t willing to take that chance.  Not for anything.  I delivered a painting to the drop point as directed and then I took off.  I didn’t want him to know where I was.  I had contacts still from my old life and they helped me get here.”  

“I had the right to know Alex.”  James was fuming. He stood up pacing. “I had all the rights.”  

“Not to this.” Alex stood up to stand her ground.  “I needed to do what had to be done.  When I saw the missing persons flag, that helped.  Grey knew that I was long gone, and he would leave you guys alone.  What I didn’t expect was for you guys to go after him.  Stupid by the way.”  James took a step towards her.  

“Ok, back to your corners you two,” Steve stepped in. “Alex, you said you didn’t steal it?”  

“No.  I set it so a false cover would be over the original painting, and I took a fake to Grey.  That’s why I ran. The false cover was supposed to disappear into ash two hours after I left, leaving the painting untouched.  The one I gave to Grey is a replica painted by a friend of mine.  Looks authentic, feels authentic but its not.  And once he got it appraised, he would know its not.”  

James sat with his head in his hands.  “This wasn’t fair.  You didn’t even give us a chance.  I lost three years with you because you were so stubborn.”  

“What do you want me to say Jamie?  I’m sorry.  I thought what I was doing was for the best.” Alex sat next to him again. “I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something had happened to you.  I’ve been keeping tabs on you to make sure you were ok.  When you guys disappeared from the news and the NYPD database…”  

“The what?”  Steve questioned.  “You hacked into the database.”  

“Yeah, there are a lot of things you guys don’t know about me.  Especially my past with Grey.  I don’t even know how you figured out it was me in the first place. But another friend was able to get into the personnel files and it said you were both transferred but not where and not if you were together.  Was having a minor heart attack before that.”  

“Was anything you told me the truth?”  James looked at her, eyes broken at all of the new information thrown at him.  

“Everything about my childhood and education was the truth.  I was truthful when I told you that I left Pittsburgh to start over.  I just never mentioned my past with Grey.”  

“How could you leave that chunk of your life out?  How could you lie to me?  I’m your husband Alex!  You’re my wife! I had the right to know!” 

NEXT

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[thegreatbeyondmp3]

ty @misanthropicvampire for tagging me 🖤🩸 [i do apologize for responding so late though, i just got crazy busy at work so i haven't been on tumblr for more than two minutes in the past month. but I did see and appreciate the tag so i still wanted to respond. eventually 😭]

last song: welcome to horrorwood (live in riverside) by ice nine kills 🔪

favorite color: black 🖤🖤🖤

currently watching: im in the middle of watching ministry of fear (1944) as i type this

sweet/savory/spicy: of the 3 i prefer savory

relationship status: single. not exactly by choice im just a homosexual who doesn't go out much

current obsession: cosplay ig? im doing a group costume w my sister and some of her friends for our local comic con equivalent, and the character i chose has ears + wings + a tail so ive been spending a lot of time fabricating. its not something ive really done before but it's been very fun :3

last google search: fda food safety test study guide

tagging @batjpeg @localchangeling @lunarianbeams @vampyrfag @saintvamp + @gabajoofs - but no pressure ofc 💜

[onigiri-dorkk]

Top 10 Films!

(Thanks for the tag SO long ago @a-slut-for-smut! I actually had this entire post written in my drafts right after you had tagged me but never got around to post it for some reason LOL)

I don’t watch many films anymore these days (shows/series have taken place of it) so it took awhile to recall all of my favorites. It’s actually nice to remember though, because it means all of these really lasted with me over my life.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012): A perfect coming-of-age film and story, discovered in my junior year of highschool. First of all I was in love with Logan Lerman looool and Emma Watson. But there are lines of this book/movie that stuck with me through my life, and the movie executed it perfectly. A story of finding belonging, first love, overcoming trauma alongside loved ones, growing up. The soundtrack is phenomenal, even the music score album (I listen to that often while writing).

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004): The cinematography and shots in this are just so gorgeous and creative. It’s a quirky and angsty film circling around two imperfect lovers who choose to love, who deal with the heartbreak in a terrible way, and who fall in love again, saying yes to the struggle. And, come on! The idea of having your memories erased, then during the process realizing you want to keep the painful memories after all? And navigating through memories trying to hold onto the good and the bad? Just a beautiful concept. Lots of fantastic lines and scenes. I took a lot of inspo from one scene in particular of this movie into some of the latest chapters of my longfic.

The Fault in Our Stars (2013): First of all, TFIOS is one of my all time favorite books. John Green is my favorite author, and is the only (published) author I’ve EVER gone out of my way to read multiple works from. TFIOS was the first book that brought me to *literal* tears. It rocked my world, this ill-fated story of star crossed lovers. The movie did a fantastic job adapting it; as soon as the production was announced I followed it loyally and the execution of the film made it so worth the journey. Hazel and Augustus’ actors’ chemistry was just SO good. The film STILL makes me bawl like a baby. Pls watch.

Anastasia (1997): A favorite since childhood! Romanov Princess gone missing, forced to pretend she’s the princess but she doesn’t know she’s the princess, until she finds out the conman she’s working with was the child who saved her long ago in her lost past? And they fall in love? So the conman lets go of all his con ways??? BEAUTIFUL. Love the music, love the animation, loved the idea of finding the missing princess and the love story of an unrecognized reunion of two childhood friends. I’ve always wanted to write a Rivamika/Anastasia AU 🥰 Someday.

Tangled (2010): I think as a teen I just really resonated with the “lost princess, aching for more in her life, feeling stuck in a tower, fall in love with conman” trope 🤣 But also, this was one of the first movies that made me just feel overwhelmed with heart-squeezing emotion. (I freaking loved Rapunzel; related to her in many ways) The lantern scene took my breath away and I had never really felt that in a movie theater before. Love the soundtrack and movie scores (did a music analysis presentation on the score back in highschool), animation was and still is beautiful even if it was one of Disney’s pioneering 3D animation movies.

Les Miserables (2012): I’m a sucker for musicals but this is one that I hold special in my heart. Aside from the fact that I played violin for Les Mis productions for two years, so I am attached to the music deeply... the story! The cinematography! The acting! The live singing! The instrumentals! Just a perfect cinematic experience. Eponine’s friend-zone story still breaks my heart, and I watched this movie at a time when I was going through her situation. I fell in love w the storytelling; how it took the journeys of multiple protagonists and perfectly interweaved each arc into each other’s so seamlessly. Also another movie that makes me bawl. Now that I stop to think of it, Fantine reminds me of Kuchel ;-;

Titanic (1997): I just rewatched this recently, after many many many years since childhood where I wasn't allowed to watch the kiss scenes (lol!) and holy wow it is a fantastic movie from start to end. It also helps now that I totally see Jack/young Leo as Levi. Beautiful timeless love story set in history. You know everything that happens and yet you still get so immersed into it.

August Rush (2007): I haven’t watched this in YEARS but 100% this deserves to be on my faves. August, an orphan who is looking for his parents, is discovered for his musical talents on an inspiring journey. Beautiful story about how someone’s passion for music/art (anything, really) can change their life; his parent’s story even becomes a reunion love story. This def had moments that took my breath away, too. (When August Rush gets up on that stage with the orchestra, ahhhh)

The Pianist (2002): (And honorable mention: Schindler’s List) Painfully beautiful movies. Terrible history of our world, depicted with care and pointing to the glimmers of hope in a heart wrenching way that deeply affects you. I think of both of these movies often. In The Pianist, Brody’s character is discovered to be a pianist by a German officer who helps him hide. Schindler’s List is about how a German man risks it all to save many Jews. The directing in both is phenomenal; the music—agh, that violin in Schindler’s List—too. I tear up thinking of this.

The Prince of Egypt (1998): Lastly, The Prince of Egypt. This movie rocked my world to see an ancient story, which I grew up with and was important to me and my faith when I was young, illustrated and animated with such beautiful art, music, etc. Moses leading a slave nation out of Egypt despite the odds. The burning bush scene and this one will always be iconic cinema scenes in my heart. Phew. Pls watch to those scenes with the music!!!

Thanks for tagging me @a-slut-for-smut! This was so fun to put together. I’ve been wanting to rewatch old classics to case-study the story writing and learn from my faves, so a movie marathon after the busy season will be a fun learning experience 😍

I tag: @chaosisbeauty23 @nuri148 @rivaille-13 @bryhaven @levi4mikasa @lady-purpleblue @warbarbie @your-lavender-dreams @nina-bean @onwriting-hrarby @randomposterofstuff @guliplum1 and anyone else in the community that wants to participate!!!

[aurora567]

Little Mouse Ch. 25

Warnings this fic will contain mature themes. Such as but not limited to teasing, kidnapping, Stockholm syndrome, very unhealthy relationships, some elements of non-con/rape, threesomes, drug use, breath play, voyeurism, branding, sex.

Summery: The battle with the Meta Liberation Army comes to an end. The LOV wins and Rin pushes herself to hard. Beware of branding and scaring that comes up near the end of this chapter

Word Count: 6494

Last Chapter Next Chapter

Rin landed almost silently from the little roof of the building her and Dabi had been standing on, the red head nearly skipped over towards Mr. Compress as if they had not spent the past half an hour fighting for their lives. She was floating on cloud nine now. Dabi had praised her, he called her hot and then kissed her. Should such a simple act make her so happy? Probably not but it did for some reason.

Strolling up to Mr. Compress, who looked to be stuck in the muddy goop that Rin assumed was from all the dead Twice doubles, was more than happy to offer him a helping hand.

“Looks like you’re a bit stuck. Need a hand?” She asked as she reached her right hand out for the man to take.

“I could use a new one if you got any to spare,” was the joke that had the woman laugh as Mr. Compress reached out to take her offered hand.

“Don’t worry I’ll try and fix you up once this is all over,” she said before Compress grabbed her hand and she found herself wincing as pain shot through her palm as she pulled. Luckily he came out quickly with a little help.

“You okay?” Mr. Compress asked as he watched the pain that had crossed Rin’s face. Glancing down at her palms they were already blistering and bubbling. Looked like they could have severe first degree burns, maybe even second degree.

“Well I think my fingerprints may be done for. But I can speed up the cell regrowth later. I’ll be fine,” she answered with a smile on her face even as her hands burned and ached. But as long as she didn’t move her fingers the pain was not too bad.

“Well look at it this way. You could be the perfect criminal if you have no fingerprints you can leave behind at a crime scene,” Mr. Compress said lightly, trying to keep the mood light. Which earned him a smile from the woman.

“You’re right. I’ll never have to worry about leaving fingerprints anywhere,” she laughed lightly. She was in too good of a mood to worry about her injuries. Funny how someone could be in the middle of a battlefield, fighting for their life and still find the ability to smile.

A sudden gust of wind had Rin raising one arm to protect her face as dirt and debri hit against her body. Looking over once the dust had settled she could see a single line of where something had taken out a good block or two at least if not more. That killed her buzz a little as worry washed over her.

“I hope no one got hit by that attack,” she said more so as an out loud comment to herself. But it seemed Compress had heard it anyway.

“I am sure everyone is alright,” That sadly did not settle Rin’s unease as she was still worried for her friends. She had not seen Toga since the fighting started. Twice had not returned with her. But his doubles were still all over the place and that meant he was alive, right? And if he was alive then Toga had to be too. Now the fighting that was going on in the distance meant someone strong was still fighting. That had to be Shigaraki. It couldn’t be anyone else other than Dabi or Shigaraki, and Dabi was with her. Didn’t take a genius to know who was still fighting.

He was still alive and still fighting. How he could be doing it she did not know. Shigaraki was running off of sheer will power now. That determination was a little scary. To know he had that much strength and will power was almost inhuman. Was that man actually human? Rin was starting to question it as she could hear and feel the fighting continue even though she was a good distance away from the big fight.

She did not have any more time to worry about her friends. More people were already starting to flood the streets again. Though the amount was slowing down she couldn’t help but groan softly. Where in the world were all these people coming from?

“Ugh, they're like cockroaches. You kill off some and even more take their place. When is this going to end?” She asked, her body was quickly feeling exhausted. Rin wasn’t sure how much more she could take.

She could hear Mr. Compress laughing at her exhausted complaint. It was all she could do to simply dodge the attacks aimed at her. Honestly Rin was starting to wonder. How much longer could this last? Their side was already exhausted and pushing limits before this fighting even started. Shigaraki had not slept in over a month. And besides Dabi the rest of them had been taking shifts to try and help him. A month of battling was hard on anyone. And Rin was out of shape, her body and quirk were not accustomed to the harsh conditions. Her body felt so heavy, forcing it to move was becoming a real struggle. She tried to stay close to Mr. Compress, but that was not always easy when it is all one can do to dodge and run. The Twice clones at least seemed to work very well and evening out the numbers. But Rin still found herself dodging people and attacks.

Something suddenly collided with her back. The hit knocked the air from her lungs and sent her tumbling to the ground. She instinctively threw her hands out to try and break her fall. The broken up cement shredded her blistered palms. She cried out at the pain. That really hurt. But before she could think about it too much, a pressure at her back kept her pinned to the ground. What she assumed was a hand had grabbed a handful of her long hair, her head was crashed first into the ground and proceeded to wrench her head back. She couldn’t see who it was but they clearly weighed more than she did as there was no way she could push herself up. She clawed at the hand that held her hair, but it was useless. She couldn't use her quirk any more or she could pass out, but still she refused to let herself die in a place like this.

The ground beneath her was shaking, people were yelling. The atmosphere had suddenly shifted. The hand in her hair loosened. Her right hand was searing around for anything she could use as a weapon. A broken chunk of rebar stuck in a bit of cement was within her reach. With what strength she had left she grabbed it and proceeded to slam it back onto the upper thigh of the body that was sitting on her. The hand in her hair disappeared. She could drop her head as she listened to the body above her wale. She pushed back as hard as she could, sending the body on top of her toppling over. Jumping to her feet she swung around to take in the sight of a stringy man sitting on the ground now holding at his bleeding thigh with the chunk of rebar sticking through his leg.

“I suggest leaving that in unless you wanna risk bleeding to death,” She said breathless as she turned and started to walk away even as the man screamed. She wanted to get back to Dabi, get back to where she felt the safest. Though the street has suddenly seemed empty. What was going on?

Looking around she could see the top of a mountain running through town. It was Gigantomachia running through the middle of town. She never in this wildest world would think she would be so happy to see that walking mount of a beast. But in that moment she could have almost kissed that damn walking mountain of a thing. All the enemies who were still alive and fighting able, seemed to be putting their full efforts into stopping the beast that was heading right into the middle of the city and the middle of the battle. He was heading straight for Shigaraki. Perfect, this was just like they planned. Gigantomachia would clear anyone in his path out, no one would stop him. And hopefully Shigaraki could use him to take out the big boss that he had been currently fighting with as the world shook beneath her feet. Still now was not the time to stand around like an idiot. She needed to find Compress and Dabi and they should start to make their way towards Shigaraki as well.

Dragging her feet back down the street she quickly found Compress just standing back watching the events unfold before him, Dabi had retreated to stand with him and seemed to me inspecting himself while Compress was watching the mountain bulldoze its way through the buildings and people alike.

“Looks like reinforcements have finally arrived, and not a moment too soon,” She said to herself with a sigh as she felt the stress leave her body knowing the fighting should not last much longer.

“Great. He woke up early for once. If we try for a fight with him now, the league will be annihilated,” Compress said as he watched the dust in the distance from the beast.

“Crappy timing I was just about to melt that ice bastard,” Dabi was complaining.

“It’s good timing and you know it. That ice user was going to prove to be a real issue. Your body is already starting to overheat again. And I can not release the pent up heat again,” She said as she walked up and proceeded to lean straight into the man as she used him to help hold up her own body and buried her face into his chest. Though that was a bad idea as the stench of burning flesh filled her nose as she pushed herself off of him.

“Ugh you stink,” She complained, not at all enjoying the smell of burning human flesh. She could hear Compress talking with the doctor but she didn’t care about what they had to say.

“Well you don’t exactly smell like flowers and sunshine yourself,” He growled at her. And in a sense she knew he was right. Her body was covered in sweat, dirt and honestly who knows what else. She was pretty sure she felt something warm running down the left side of her face. She had probably cut her face open when it had been hit into the ground. And the bloody hand marks she left on Dabi’s white shirt told her that her palms were now bleeding as well.

“We should regroup with everyone. Shigaraki is fighting in the middle of all this. We should go and help him,” Rin said as she turned to start walking towards the heavy dust in the air. But before she could get even more than a few steps away from Dabi the ground started to shake. It was like an earthquake was going on. But it wasn’t. Building around the middle of the city where shaking and crumpling. She could hear some crashing to the ground. And then everything seemed to go silent. No more shaking, no more crumpling buildings, even Gigantomachia could no longer be seen or hurt. It was almost an eerie silence. She looked around before looking over at the two men.

“Does this mean the fight is over? And who won?” She couldn't help but ask when the silence had persisted. She looked between the two men but all she got was a shrug from Dabi and a slight smile that she could see from Mr. Compress broken mask.

“I do not know but I guess we should go and see,” Mr. Compress said before he started to lead the way through the rubble.

“I don’t see why we should bother,” Dabi complained but yet he still started walking.

“Because we need to know if Shigaraki is dead or alive,” She said bluntly as she fell into step with Dabi and was leaning into him for support as her eyes felt heavy as she walked. She could feel a strong and almost painfully hot arm wrap around her shoulder to help guard her as she walked.

What they found was rather surprising. A large crater sat in the middle of the city. Rin didn’t even want to think about how many blocks had been just flattened during the fight as the crater had to have been blocks large. Shigaraki was standing in the middle of it. Or at least Rin was pretty sure that was him. It was a bit hard to tell at first. His hair was stark white, his body beaten and bloody. But those bright red eyes of his told her that that was indeed Shigaraki standing there. And he had been the victor. People who were once trying to kill them were now running around. Hanabata was barking orders at people. Getting some to help get Re-Destro out of the crater. It was not exactly what she expected, then again she did not know what she did expect.

Still she pushed off of Dabi’s side and carefully started to make her way towards Shigaraki. He was still standing there in what remained of his torn pants and nothing more. Though it's not like the sight of him shirtless was anything new. But her eyes roamed over him anyways. Not to take in his lack of clothes but to take in the sight of him and all of the severe injuries he was now sporting. He stood with all the weight on his right leg and almost none on his left.

“Shigaraki!” She called out as she approached him as fast as she could. Those bright red eyes turned to look over at her as she approached. He didn’t greet her, but he also did not push her away as she started to fuss over him.

“Left ankle looks like it is broken, but no laceration that's good,” She was now rambling to herself as she reached out to grab gently at his left hand as her eyes bounced between both hands and arms. Her medic school knowledge was kicking in as she listed off the injuries to herself as she worked out mentally how to deal with each one. “Right arm looks entirely broken, as well as a drawback from over use of one’s quirk. Skin is also damaged up and into the shoulder but seems to still be intact. Left hand is missing the thumb, first and second fingers, third and forth are damaged but look savable.”

“I need someone to get down here and help me get him moved,” Rin had turned and was barking her own orders at people who were not far away form Re-Destro who was apparently half the man he was when this fighting started. She seemed to get a mix of reactions from the people. Some looked almost scared of her, or maybe it was the man standing beside her that they really feared. Others looked angry at her.

“Do as she says,” Re-Destro said when no one instantly jumped to help her. That seemed enough to have two of the people fussing over him to jump up and run over to Rin and Shigaraki as the two of them were both barely standing on their own as it was.

“Let's get out of this hole, Shigaraki. But first I will stop the bleeding of your hand,” She said as she started to use her quirk to stop the bleeding from his hand. But even doing that simple action had black dots crossing her vision. With the help of the two strangers they were able to help Shigaraki climb out of the hole in the ground and she followed closely behind before the sight of two Twices running towards them with another Twice on their back and Toga caught her attention. Toga was out cold. That had Rin run up to greet them.

“Put her down. What happened?” She asked as she watched the Twice duplicate put the girl down on the ground on her back.

“She’s hurt,”

“I saved her,” were two replies she got at the same time from the two Twice’s. Fuck, the man was hard enough on his own Rin wasnt sure she had the patients to put up with more at this moment.

Checking her pulse it was weaker than she would like but still going. Her breathing was normal, not too fast or too slow. All looked good as Rin took in what she could see of the poor girl who was covered in blood from head to toe, and it was likely her own.

“Is she going to make it?” Was the heart wrenching question that came from the blonde and mask-less Twice. She almost didn’t even recognize the man without his mask. He was still perched on the back of one of his clones. His eyes looked so worried as he looked down at Toga.

“She is stable. I will stop the bleeding and then getting her to a doctor would be best. Or we need to wait for me to recover more,” She answered as her hand felt a little warm as she activated her own quirk to try and stop what bleeding was still going on. It did not take long though before the world was spinning. Rin could feel her body falling backwards as she had been kneeling beside Toga. But she couldn't stop it. She could not even force her eyes to remain open any longer. She heard all three Twice’s call out to her, luckily for her hands caught her before she could hit the ground.

Blinking her eyes open made her head hurt. She closed them instantly and let out a low groan. What happened? Where was she? Forcing her eyes open once more she had the same reaction. This time she let her eyes close as she groaned softly for a second time. Damn her entire body ached. A sudden deep chuckle filled her ears and she knew who it was. How could she not, she’s spent the last few months by the man’s side. She would know that man's voice anywhere.

“Shut up,” She groaned softly at him which only made him laugh even more at her.

“About damn time you woke up,” He said simply after she had told him to shut up even though he had never actually said anything to her before now.

“How long was I out for?” She asked curiously even though her body hurt so much.

“Two days,” Dabi answered her question which she simply gave a grunt of acknowledgement to. Two days huh. She hasn't pushed herself that hard in a very long time. That would explain why she hurt so bad, both her body and her head.

“What happened?” She asked, realizing the bed she was laying on was incredibly comfortable. It was clearly not an old mattress someone had thrown out. No bad smell, no springs breaking through the material. It was clear they were no longer in some dingy abandoned building.

“You passed out while trying to help Toga,” He said simply as if that answered all of her question. It didn’t, but it wasn't like she had the energy to exactly argue with him. She could remember the fighting, helping Dabi and Mr. Compress. Losing Toga and Twice at the start of the battle, and then Shigaraki and Spinner later. But that didn’t answer where they were or what had happened after said battle.

“Where are we?” She asked before once again forcing her eyes open. Ugh even her eyeballs hurt as she forced her eyes to stay open. All she got from Dabi was a grunt and a shrug of his shoulders. Asshole probably wasn’t going to actually answer her or give her any actual information. It was probably useless to ask him any more questions. She needed to find almost anyone else and ask her questions then. Ugh how annoying.

“Whatever. I’m hungry. Any chance there’s food here?” She figured that was a better question to ask him. There was at least a slim chance she may get an answer to that question.

“Yeah they feed us pretty good here,” That got her more of an answer than anything she had gotten from him so far. And based on the grin on his face he may have been serious or at least she hoped so.

“Good I am hungry as hell,” She said as she ever so carefully pushed herself into a sitting position. Her body hurt, and her head was pounding. A quick glance over her body revealed that she was dressed in new clothes. A nice clean and fresh pair of jeans, a simple grey t-shirt, and she could only hope that the bra and panties were fresh as well. She did not want to think about who it was that probably dressed her. She honestly hoped it was either Dabi or Toga. Her hands were still cut up but the wounds looked pretty much healed already. A few new light scars littered the once clean skin. Her fingertips were also scarred, well she couldn't be traced to any crimes now if she didn’t have any fingerprints. She gently raised her hand up to her head, a bandage was wrapped around it and she could remember her face hitting the cement once. But aside from those injuries everything else seemed okay. Slowly she pushed herself to her feet. Her body screamed as her muscles had been tight and sore. But she knew moving would also be good for her.

“They got an actual kitchen here and it's packed,” Dabi said, sounding rather happy with that sentence he gave.

“Where exactly are we?” She asked as she carefully and slowly started to walk across the room and towards Dabi who was leaning against the wall by the door.

“Some Villa out in the middle of fucking no where,” Dabi said simply. Was not exactly a deep answer but oh well it still was an answer. And she was well aware that when it came to Dabi that he was normally not one to answer questions or talk a lot.

She simply nodded her head at him as she walked up towards him and paused before she hit the door.

“Well then lead the way to this kitchen?” She asked not exactly feeling like walking around like a lost child. Of course the man rolled his eyes at her. But he still pushed himself off of the wall and turned to walk out of the room.

The place was large, a lot larger than she expected. A lot of the hallways had multiple rooms. It honestly reminded her more of a hotel than a villa. The place also had a lot more people than she expected. Once they walked down the first floor lower she had noticed a lot of strange faces. The floor of the room she had been sleeping in had been empty. But every other one was packed full of people. None were faces that she recognized, but it was clear that they received a lot of mixed reactions. Some people clearly gave fearful glances. She assumed it was all about Dabi as she walked beside him. And she was well aware people usually feared Dabi. So those looks were not new. Though the looks of irritation or maybe it was disgust was new.

“Who are all these people?” She asked softly as she leaned in closer to Dabi. Why did she feel so uneasy surrounded by people? She used to love crowds, and love attention. Whether it was working the streets as a young sidekick or even working with people in the hospital. She had never felt uneasy in the presence of strangers before. It had her stepping closer to Dabi till her arm was able to touch his.

“They are what is left from the hundred thousand soldiers Re-Destro had,” Dabi answered as he watched Rin shift closer to him till her side almost touched him. He didn’t hesitate to snake his arm around her shoulder as he pulled her right up against his side, “Keep your head up. They won’t touch us now.”

Oh that was right. She almost forgot that before she had passed out Re-Destro had ordered those around them to help out the league members. The battle had ended, they had won and as such the two organizations had apparently merged it seemed. It seemed she may have missed a bit while she was asleep for the last two days. But hearing Dabi tell her to hold her head up she felt confident. They won, so they ruled the place. Rin was quick to straighten her back and lift her head up. After all she was with Dabi, no one would touch her for risk of his wrath.

“How is everyone?” She asked not expecting an answer as she thought about her friends and how hurt some of them were.

“Toga is fine. She lost a lot of blood but is gonna be fine. Crusty is banged up. He can’t walk at the moment and is missing half a hand. But he’s alive too,” Dabi actually answered her. That was good to hear. Toga and Shigaraki had been the most hurt. To know that everyone was alive and okay brought her a lot of relief as they finally reached the kitchen. Which was a rather amazing sight. It was large, and looked a bit more like a kitchen from a restaurant. Then again if the villa was housing hundreds of people at any given time, then it made sense they would need a big kitchen and lots of food.

“Oh hell yeah. No more cup ramen,” Rin said, smiling widely as she broke away from Dabi and was wasting no time in hunting around the kitchen as she started pulling ingredients out. It had felt like it had been months since they actually ate real food and not just stuff they stole from convenience stores.

Rin was moving all over the kitchen as she hunted for what she needed. Rice in a rice cooker, some salmon to fry up, some miso soup, and even a salad. Rin was trying to hit every food group she could in one meal. Dabi just stood back and watched her work. After all, he had not been able to eat her cooking since they lived in that apartment Shigaraki had set up for them. Even Dabi was looking forward to eating some of Rin’s cooking again. She was standing at the stove stirring the miso soup as she waited for everything to finish.

She should have known Dabi would not let her just cook in peace. A warm hand was quick as it slipped under the front of her shirt. She could tell who the hand belonged to, even if the unusual warms or the cool staples had not given it away. Only Dabi would harass her while she was in the middle of cooking. His warm body pressed up against her backside. His hand ran across her stomach before starting to ascend up her stomach.

“Damn it Dabi I’m cooking,” she hissed at him. Which just earned her a deep chuckle from the man who just simply ground himself into her lower back as she scolded him.

“So? I haven’t been able to fuck you in almost two months,” as crude as ever it seemed. He wasn’t wrong, she had missed him as well. But she had been too busy to actually be able to feel pent up. Serves him right for leaving her with Shigaraki alone while they were fighting with that monster of a being.

“Serves you right for leaving me with Shigaraki to fight for our lives for over a month,” she snapped at him. Her body went stiff as she tried not to let her body move. If she rocked back into him she knew it would be over. The food would be forgotten and they would end up fucking in the kitchen. She really wanted to eat before they started fucking like rabbits.

“Oh come on. I am sure you and Dusty had your fair share of fun without me,” Dabi said as he whispered into her ear. But hearing him say that had her snort as she worked to cook her first real meal in months.

“Not at all. We were busy fighting for our lives. There was never time for that. Shigaraki didn’t even get time to sleep properly,” she said as she turned off the stove burner for the soup as she could hear the rice cooker turn off automatically. The fish was nearly done as she went to go pull away and hunt for bowls and plates when the hand on her stomach pulled her back and kept her back locked up against Dabi’s chest.

“Come on Dabi let go. I’m hungry. Let me eat first then you can have me however you like,” she said as she knew she couldn’t power her way out of his grip. But she had no issues bargaining for her freedom so she could start eating her meal.

“Oh? how ever I like?” He asked though she was sure it was rhetorical. But she still nodded her head. She could already see the wide grin pulling at the man’s lips before the hand at her stomach moved up to cup a breast. His hand gave a hard squeeze. She had to bite her tongue to hold back the moan that threatened to escape her.

“Alright. I’ll hold you to that promise princess,” was the raspy response she got before the hand under her shirt disappeared as fast as it had appeared.

“Ugh I hate when you call me that,” she groaned which earned her a laugh as she finally found the bowls and grabbed one to fill it with soup before she put it down on the counter and moved to grab her fried salmon. Of course the second she turned away from the bowl she knew it was scooped up. She shot Dabi a dirty look to which he just smirked at. She expected it though and was the reason why she made enough food for them both. It was just like when they lived together in the old apartment. And now it was even relaxing to have a feeling of familiarity back.

“You’re a pain in the ass,” she said with a light giggle as she grabbed a second bowl for herself.

“Oh I can show you a real pain in the ass,” the innuendo did not go unnoticed as she rolled her eyes at him.

“You’re a perv,” she said as she grabbed plates of food before walking over to a table off to one side of the kitchen.

“Just remember, you are the one that told me I can have you however I want,” he pointed out while he was already half way done with the bowl of soup before she put down the rest of his meal in front of him.

“Next time I’ll just poison your food,” she threatened even though they both knew that would never happen. She could never actually hurt him, or say no to him.

“Good luck with that little mouse,” ah that was a nickname he had not used for a while. Had she not been so hungry she would have bitched at him for it. But honestly her stomach was hurting, her mouth watered while she had been cooking. And as soon as the first bite of food hit her tongue nothing else mattered. She could not help but inhale the meal she had made.

It wasn’t till her dishes were all empty that she finally felt full and content. It had been so long since she ate such a good meal. She almost couldn’t remember what real food tasted like. Getting up she gathered all the dirty dishes and headed to the sink fully prepared to wash them and clean up the mess she had made. Of course she never got the chance to even turn the water on.

She let out a small shriek as a hand grabbed a handful of her long hair. Her body was thrust forwards. Her hips hit the hard edge of the counter, her face hit the tile of the countertop. She should have known this would happen. Dabi never was one to have patients.

“Dabi,” she squeaked out as his other hand was already violently pulling her jeans off. The material was stretching and ripping a little under the fast and sudden assault. First the pants were pushed down by her ankles and then her panties were next to follow when they had not instantly been pulled off with the pants at the brutal attack.

She tried to squirm back a little wanting to get the edge of the counter to stop digging into her now bare hips but that just earned her a growl from Dabi and his hips roughly bumped into hers as his body pinned her to the counter. There was no getting away from the sharp edge now.

The fingers still entangled seemed happy to keep her face crushed against the counter. The hand that had worked at removing her pants was now rubbing an ass cheek as he ground himself against her. There was no warning for what came next as the hand massaging an ass cheek let out. Like any normal person she was expecting maybe a spank or something to follow along those lines. What she got instead was a white hot searing pain. She tried to straighten up but instead was met with a shoulder pressing down her spine. His body leaning into hers to help keep her in place.

“Careful I wanna make sure I can read this,” he growled into her ear as his finger continued to follow the shape of her ass as she cried out as the pain shot through her body. It hurt, it burned. It wasn’t the first time Dabi had burned her. But this time it wasn’t just his hand print. A single finger was delicately writing something into her flesh.

Her eyes clamped shut and she whimpered as tears threatened to slide down her cheeks before the pain vanished and she felt her body go limp as she took a deep breath of air. She was pretty sure she had heard him mumble a perfect to himself but she could not bring herself to pay him any attention at the moment as her body went limp beneath him.

“Heal it a little. But leave the scar,” he growled down at her. With a shaky hand she raised it up to glance some fingers across the already bubbled and raised skin. She hissed at the pain that shot through her before she was able to activate her quirk. She knew Dabi did not want it healed all the way. But this was his kindness of allowing her to heal it enough so it did not instantly throb at every touch, nor would the blister pop as she sped up the cell's regrowth as best she could. She was still exhausted from over using her quirk so she couldn’t of healed it all the way even if she wanted to. As soon as the pain ebbed away she let her hand drop. She could hear a huff of approval from Dabi.

“Look at that. Real masochist ain’t ya,” he was smirking she could tell. But before she could even try to make her mouth work two fingers were plunged deep into her body. Giving away the slick waterfall that was about to start running down her inner thighs. Her body did always have a way of betraying her.

She let out a moan as the fingers instantly picked up a fast and brutal pace of thrusting into her body. With her as a now limp doll, free for him to do as he pleased, the hand in her hair let go. She could hear the zipper of his pants being undone. She didn’t have the energy to protest even if she wanted to. And right about now she didn’t want to.

She let out a whine when the fingers that had been plunged inside of her suddenly disappeared. But the whine was quick to die in her throat as she felt the cool ball of his Prince Albert piercing rub against the sensitive warmth of her damp folds. It was a slight shock. Though how could she forget about that lovely little piercing of his. After all she loved that piercing and the feeling of it along her inner walls.

One rough thrust and he had himself fully sheathed within her body. She cried out at the pleasure of finally being filled by him. She would never tell him but she had truly missed the man, and the sex that they had. Hell if there would have been the time she had been contemplating asking Twice if he could make her a copy of Dabi. But there had never been enough time off to rest, and asking for a duplicate Dabi just for her to fuck seemed like a waste. That and she was pretty sure Twice would never let her live that request down either.

Her hips were locked against the edge of the counter. The pain of the counter's edge digging into her hips had quickly faded from her mind as she moaned with each rough thrust of Dabi’s hips. Rin did not even care how loud she was becoming or that there was a chance anyone could not only hear them but also see them. Then again neither of them had ever cared about such things in the past, and here was no different. Actually it was even hotter, knowing that strangers could hear, and that they would know that she was Dabi’s and it was him who had her screaming his name as she came around his dick.

She came hard at that thought, her eyes nearly rolled back into her head as she cried out his name before her body went limp beneath him. A few more rough and unrhythmic thrusts later and she could hear Dabi let out a low and loud moan before his own body stilled. She could feel his hot cum fill her body. Her hands gripped at the counter to keep herself from sliding back and off of it as Dabi stepped back from her and let go of her body. Her legs felt like jello beneath her as she was panting softly as she waited for her senses to return to her body.

Next Chapter

[hausofmamadas]

| What’s waiting down Zuni Road |

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Pairing: Gabriella Castillo (Mayans M.C.) x Ignacio “Nacho” Varga (Better Call Saul)

Gift for the wonderful, illustrious, prolific @drabbles-mc - Rarepairs Exchange 2023

Word count: ≈5k

TW: Canon-typical violence, descriptions of violence

It's dangerous to be a woman in love. A brush with death at the hands of the man she loved sends Gabrielle Castillo on the run, in more ways than she expected. Burned in a betrayal she never saw coming, and tipped off by a non-garbage Angel Reyes to a place to hide out, a safe haven, a place to temporarily call home, she books it tf to Albuquerque. She arrives with newfound determination not only to survive, but a conviction to never let love blind her to pinshe toxicos malparidos like EZ Reyes ever again. Still, in terms of an actual plan? She has no idea where to go, who to turn to, or what to do next. That is, until she runs into our fav Walter Matthau-grumpy-old-man, not nearly old enough to be so grumpy, Nacho "forreal don't call me Ignacio" Varga. In some ways, he reminds her of EZ but she's dead set against falling for another pair of brown eyes full of lost hope and squandered dreams. But the more she gets to know him, the more it calls into question ... would it really be the same with Nacho? Is Gaby willing to find out? spoiler alert: she is. she very much is. sorry but like have you seen him? lbr here

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Mamá always told me to watch out for red flags in life. Dime con quien andas, te diré quien eres. Porque when someone shows you who they are, they’re doing you a favor.

She never said it out loud but I learned early on, the ones who waved the red flags most were the boys. Not that I was especially boy crazy at that age, but it seemed wherever I looked, there they were: waving red flags, making promises they couldn’t keep, being unfaithful, disloyal, dishonest.

My older cousin Mercedes had a boyfriend back in Mexico who used to tell her not to wear shorts that were too short because he did not like the way her thighs flattened on chairs when she sat down. At the age of five, I knew how mean it was and to this day, I cannot understand how it didn’t bring her to tears. But it didn’t. And she always listened to him about things like that, until he got her best friend pregnant and the two of them ran off together, leaving Mercedes behind. It was the best thing he could have ever done for her though. Because she never let anyone tell her what kind of shorts to wear after that.

The first boy I ever had a crush on in elementary school told me that even though he thought my eyes were pretty and he liked how I wore my hair in braids, we couldn’t be together because I raised my hand too much in class to answer questions. And girls were not supposed to be as smart as boys. At the picnic tables at lunch, I cried over my usual peanut butter and jelly sandwich, when my friends asked me what was wrong, I couldn’t even explain what it was that hurt me so.

Even Papá, loving and kind as he could be, made Mamá feel small when he told her that having to sell her floral shop in Mexico, so we could come here, wasn’t as great a loss as him losing his career as a police officer. “What’s selling a few flowers to a few abuelitas to putting my life on the line, to upholding law and order every day?” he’d ask. And she would say nothing in return, just smile soft and sad, plopping a scoop of rice onto his plate. It took me years to understand that sadness in her smile.

𖤓

Driving down highway 40, with the windows down, my hair whipping in the wind, and all the desert dust mixing with the faint, floral smell of my shampoo, I feel like I have been mainlining that sadness for the last five hundred miles. Because from the moment I met Ezekiel Reyes, I did not see it coming. It’s not that there weren’t red flags as with all the other boys. But he had a way of making it seem like they were all a force of circumstance. Gee, how did those get there? Someone must have put those up when I wasn’t looking. He was sensitive, compassionate, smarter than anyone I had ever met, and troubled in a way he seemed not to be responsible for.

I should have trusted my instincts. I should have listened to my mother’s advice. But EZ Reyes is also one of the best liars I have ever known. People who lie best are the ones who believe the lie first themselves. That is what he did. It was easy. So it was easy to believe him.

On the road, when it gets dark, I start to see his eyes like they were the last time I saw him. They are every pair of headlights in the rear view mirror: two voids with a kind of frigid, lifeless pain inside. Any echo of the love between us snuffed out, washed away, sterilized like a surgeon’s scalpel. Nevermind that candle in my heart might have burned for him forever. But it seems we do not love the same way.

One of my hands comes off the wheel to touch the spot at my ribs on the left side where he had held the gun. A shot I would have never seen coming, were it not for Angel’s screaming and tackling us both to the ground, shoving me away, telling me to run as fast as I could and never look back. If only I had fallen for that big lug instead of Ezekiel. But that one wore his red flags on his sleeve, screamed them from a mile away. That honesty I misjudged as a warning was really an asset. Porque Angel no podía mentir una mierda, ni siquiera a sí mismo. But we cannot help who we love.

Wiping sweat from my forehead, I pass a mile marker and then a bigger sign: eleven miles to Albuquerque. Good because Angel’s check engine light has turned on and I need gas. I drag my hand across my forehead again. Leave it to Angel to have a car with no AC. Well, no. I remind myself I’m no fool. The car probably wasn’t his. They would’ve stolen it before they got to the hospital.

The sun has been beating down on me through the driver’s side window, relentless and my face is so damp, I can’t seem to tell the difference between the sweat and the tears that periodically drop down to dot my cheeks. I stopped bothering to wipe those all the way back in Tucson. The dust has stuck to them too, so the skin on my face is stiff and my lips have a grainy feel to them. There is something about it that I like, that feels tangible. Algo sobre la tierra en mis lágrimas es un consuelo, y en mi dolor me hice sentir menos sola.

My cellphone buzzes in my bag. Low battery. It is a miracle it has lasted this long. Perhaps my last tether to civilization, I wonder if I shouldn’t let it die and disappear from my old life completely. No, with Mamá back home there is no old or new life. I escaped Santo Padre with the only one I have. Angel said he would get word to her, let her know I was okay, tell her where I was going. A place I didn’t even know.

Once I hit the city limits, I reach in my pocket and pull out the crinkled cardboard pack, an empty cigarette box Angel had hastily scribbled an Albuquerque address on. I triple check to make sure I have remembered it correctly, then take the fourth exit.

𖤓

After I left Angel and EZ, grappling with each other on that hilltop by the hospital, I went to Mercedes’ house to hole up. It was a dingy little duplex not far from the hospital but EZ didn’t know where it was and that’s what mattered. It was kind of funny. I had not expected Angel to follow up, texting me, asking if I was okay, where I was. But he did. Even after I told him, I had not expected him to do anything with that information, certainly not stop by or send someone. But he did. So, when a knock came at the front door, in a frenzy, I lurched off the couch and lunged for the baseball bat that I’d taken from the coat closet earlier and set against the front door before dozing off. Glancing through the peephole, I half expected to see EZ's cold, hard eyes, peering back at me across the threshold of warped glass. Mercifully, it was somebody else. Someone I didn’t recognize. Judging by the kutte over his hoodie and the large black script inked on his neck that spelled Mayans, another proud member of the club. Someone I had not met before. He stood in front of the door, hood up, hands clasped in front of him at attention, almost like a bouncer at a nightclub but without the air of compensation. On the contrary, he was at ease, almost serene when I swung open the screen door, wild-eyed and bat in hand. “Are you Gaby?” He'd barely batted an eye. I nodded slowly. “Angel sent me with some stuff for you.” I furrowed my brow, suspicious but too frazzled to form words. “Yeah, uh— He wanted to deliver this himself, but homie had to take care of that trifling, mocoso cagado brother of his, chase that motherfucker back down to Santo Padre. But I stuck around, so he sent me instead.” He extended his hand. “I’m Manny.” With some hesitation, I set the bat down and shook his hand, then motioned to allow him inside. He refused, head rattling from side to side. “Nah, I don’t— I can’t stay long. Just wanted to give you these.” He held out the crumpled cigarette box and the keys to 'Angel’s' car, dropping them in the palm of my hand. Through tears that I wasn’t even aware had begun to fall, I joked tiredly, “So, I narrowly escape getting killed by the love of my life and Angel thinks I’m ready to take up smoking?” “Yea, right? Guess when you cheat death, seems as good a time as any to pick up a habit that causes terminal illness.” Manny stuffed his hands in his hoodie pockets and leaned against the doorway, eyes cast down, chuckling at the ground. “Nah, actually there’s an address on it. A guy we know in New Mexico from a job Yuma and Santo Padre did with him a while back. His people’ll take care of you.” “Who is it?” “His name— well, he’s a guy who’s connected enough in Mexico that EZ can’t come after you there. Y’know, bad for business.” With a knowing smirk, he tipped his head, “Si me sientes.” There seemed a reluctance to say this man’s name outright but I couldn't understand why. Oh, right. Connected in Mexico. One of the cartels. So more of that then. Standing in the doorway with my arms crossed, at the manic pace only akin to that of an animal backed into a corner, I evaluated the options presented to me now. Could this truly be my only one? Something else my mother used to say was already at the tip of my tongue. “Lo peligroso que es ser una mujer enamorada.”** I began to cry harder now and Manny’s head snapped back up to look at me. “Aw easy now, ma,” he said gently, stepping closer to brush a tear from my cheek with the back of his hand. “Todo estará bien.” I nodded weakly before choking out through something that was halfway between a laugh and a sob, “I know this is a weird question but— pero ya puedes abrazarme?” He smiled softly, stepping back with open arms, and the moment my head hit the shoulder of this kind stranger, I came apart at the seams.

𖤓

It had only been two days on the road but the writing on the cigarette package is already faded, probably from so much time spent folded up in the pocket of my jeans.

6611 Zuni Rd SE,

Albuquerque, NM

ask 4 grumpyass mf named Varga

I am not sure why I bother to keep looking at it when I have the address memorized, seared in my brain because I had charted my route the old fashioned way, on a map I got from a gas station back in Lodi. A measure that seems silly now given that my phone is still somehow clinging to life.

I pull into the parking lot of 6611 Zuni Road and slide into an open spot, of which there are many. Business does not appear to be booming. In quaint, Hot-Rod red cursive along the top of the building, it reads “Tapizados, Custom Upholstery, Reparación.” Auto upholstery. As good a front as any, I suppose.

My nerves are fried and the entrance of the shop taunts me while I stare at it, trying to figure out how to smoke out this Varga. It would’ve been helpful to have more than just a name. Was it a first? A last? Based on what little was in the note, Varga could be a woman for all I know. Although Manny had specifically said it was a guy. Tracing the hastily scribbled address on the wilted cardboard, I am filled with warmth, reminded of my gratitude to Angel for doing the best he could with what he had. I can do the rest. I simply have to.

A broken bell clangs pitifully as the door of the shop closes behind me. It is empty of customers and seemingly, anyone who might work there. There is another bell on the counter and I wonder if that one is broken too. If it isn’t, with the Norteño music blaring in a room in the back with a bunch of tables with sewing machines, I wonder if anyone would hear it. Before I get a chance to find out, two men in matching uniforms arguing in the parking lot outside catch my attention. Partly because they’re arguing but largely because they both seem to be wearing matching uniforms, an indication yes, someone indeed ran this fine establishment and didn’t leave it to the norteño corridos to manage.

An older man with a thick, dark head of hair and a dark mustache alternates between pinching his forehead and speaking through gritted teeth to a younger man with hair buzzed so short, he looks almost bald, whose back is turned to me. Mustache man looks to be the boss and when the other man steps aside for a moment, I spot the name on his shirt. M. Varga. Simón! Él es un gruñón de verdad like Angel said. He looks just like another gruñón I know too. In fact, if his hair wasn’t so dark, I might have actually mistaken him for Felipe Reyes. He shared the same proud nose, perpetually furrowed brow, and lines etched deep into his forehead that say he’s had someone important to worry about for a very long time. Who was this Varga’s someone?

More heated now, Señor Varga points to the building and I think I can make out the words 'vuelve ahí dentro' coming out of his mouth. Exasperated, the younger, short-haired man throws his hands on his hips and tips his head back, as if pleading with the sky but whatever the old man has said trumps his silent negotiation with the Above. Varga throws him a set of keys and shoos him in the direction of the shop before stalking off back to the garage.

It takes me too long to realize I am staring. The short-haired guy makes it to the sidewalk in front of the windows, but by then it is too late to play it off like I’m just a clueless customer. Swinging my purse from one shoulder to the other, I attempt to anyway, and turn to examine the fabric swatches hanging on the walls and the stand full of pamphlets about “The Wonders of Kaptex!” and “Chrome-Tanned Whole Cowhides!” leafing through as if I know what I am looking at. The look of confusion on my face is the only honest thing about it. I have no idea what I am doing here, in more ways than one.

The short-haired man walks in, sighing heavily as the broken bell claps against the door handle, making another pitiful, pinched sound. It is not until he turns around to put something in the register that I finally see the name on his uniform. I. Varga.

Qué se chinga, of course there is two of them. Of course.

I nearly tear the cigarette box yanking it out of my pocket to study it again in the hopes I have missed some detail, some clue Angel might have left to differentiate the two Vargas. But no. There it sits, staring back at me, the same phrase I’ve read repeatedly, over and over and over: Ask 4 grumpyass mf named Varga. The qualifier doesn’t even help. They both seem equally grumpy. Could I just ask? Would Angel or Manny have thought ahead to let this Varga know I was coming?

A voice cuts through my panic. “‘Scuse me, miss? Something I can help you with?”

My head snaps up to meet a look of cool intensity from the younger Varga. He was younger sure, but I couldn’t venture a guess as to how old he might really be because even asking the most mundane of questions, there is something heavy in the tone of his voice and a weariness in his eyes that betray the gaze of a boy aged beyond his years by forces out of his control. I know this look. I am well acquainted with this look, yes. The headlights in the rearview mirror on the drive here flash in my mind. But there is a softness in this one’s eyes that I don’t remember EZ having. Not even in the beginning. By the time I finally understood, it would do me no good, but everything about Ezekiel Reyes was hard. And always had been.

All of a sudden, I am self-conscious, unsure of how long I’ve been standing there, not saying a word in response. Taking a deep breath, I finally open my mouth to answer, but instead of words, what comes out is some kind of throttled sigh.

“Prefieres que hablamos en español?” He is polite but with enough of an edge of impatience that it does nothing to distinguish him as the less grumpy of the two Vargas.

“A mí no me importa,” I shrug, trying my best to seem casual. “Puedo hablar de los dos.”

“O sí? Pues la podría preguntarte de nuevo pero ya sabrás que es la misma en ambos.”

Maybe this Varga is more prickly than grumpy. Would Angel know the difference? Probably not.

“Hmm,” I hum. He seems skeptical, so I switch to English. Two can play this game. “Huh? Yes. Yeah. Actually yes. I need- I’m looking for someone na—“ I start heading toward the counter but in the process, my purse swings to one side, knocking over the wire display of pamphlets. Varga is nice enough to come around from the counter to help me pick them up off the ground, even if he is chuckling to himself at my expense.

“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what-” I pause, closing my eyes, searching for the words. “I have not slept much. I just came here all the way from California and did not make many stops.”

Varga picks up the last of the pamphlets and with a resigned smirk on his face, offers his hand. “Ah, well, you wouldn’t be the only person to end up in ABQ who’s running from something.” I accept and he pulls me to my feet.

On his way back around the counter, he shoots me the look of a parent worried their kid is going to tear through the candy aisle at the grocery store. Pointing to a technicolor display of stacked, neatly wrapped, little trees, I laugh. “Oh, not the car fresheners. It looks like someone went to a lot of trouble to make these look nice,” I tease, holding up my hands in defeat. “I’ll keep my distance.”

Varga shakes his head, suppressing a laugh like he doesn’t want me to know I have said anything he’d find funny. He resumes doing whatever he was doing at the register. Not sure what to do with myself, I just stand there, watching him, moving the cash trays to the back counter, industriously counting the bills, scribbling in some kind of ledger. Without turning to look at me, he calls out, “So, you were saying?”

“Sorry?”

“You were about to say you were looking for someone right before you decided to go full Jenga with my pamphlets over there.”

“Oh,” I blow a puff of air out of my lips, sending stray pieces of hair that have fallen out of my ponytail floating above my forehead. Glancing around the empty store, something in me snaps and I decide. Why not? What is the worst that could happen? I say the wrong thing to the wrong person and they kill me for it? They’d have to get in line. I am already on borrowed time and dancing around the issue might only serve to end that time. Entonces a la verga con esa chingadera. So I shoot my shot. The contact my hand makes as it smacks down on the counter with the mangled cigarette box is loud enough to surprise Varga. He stops and spins around.

“Alright, I have danced with death,” I hold my index finger and thumb up together and squint my eyes, “once this week already. I have also been driving for two days straight. I am exhausted. And you know what? Truthfully, I have never been good at this– hmm, what is it called? Playing my cards close to the chest? I never had to be. So, I'm going to come right out and say it. My name is Gaby Castillo. I came here from Lodi, California. My ex-boyfriend is EZ Reyes from the Santo Padre chapter of the Mayans motorcycle club. Two days ago,” the lump in my throat hurts as I swallow it, but still choke up despite myself, “he tried to kill me. His brother, Angel Reyes, told me to lie low here in case he tried to come after me again.”

Instead of the appropriate shock one would express at the stream of insanity I just blurted out to a perfect stranger, he seems entirely undisturbed. Just as I'm about to give over to reassurance at his calmness, it all at once becomes more jarring that he has no reaction. My heart kicks up, pounding so rapidly, I wonder if it’s visible from the outside, if he can see it's picked up speed.

Aggravated by the silence, I snap my fingers in front of his face, grumbling, “Uh, hello? Does any of this sound familiar?”

Face impassive, he crosses his arms and just keeps staring at me before finally breaking the silence with one infuriating word. “Vest.”

“Mm? Pardon?”

“You said chest. You meant vest.”

He is like a brick wall. I am still not getting it.

“You meant vest. You said,” he flattens his hand bringing it down to punctuate the end of each phrase, “‘playing your cards close to the chest.’ The expression is ‘playing your cards close to the vest.’ Like back in the day, old guys playing Poker in saloons and shit.”

How dumb must I look, standing there, eyes narrowed, mouth gaping open in disbelief that we are calmly discussing grammar after everything I said? The motorcycle club? The attempted murder? I can only imagine. He does not even seem to notice. What’s more infuriating, he turns back around to the money trays and the ledger and continues talking at me like that. “Yeah, yeah, I got a call from Manny, told me someone was coming. I remember those Reyes brothers too. One of them’s a wiseass and one of them’s a dipstick. Which one almost killed you?”

Poor Angel. My cheeks are burning and my chest floods with indignation on his behalf. “Angel is not a di–” the word is new to me and comes out of my mouth clumsy, “dip-ssstick.”

Varga’s shoulders rattle as he chuckles, “So it was the dipstick,” nodding to himself like he’s just shared some private joke that he happens to also find hilarious.

I roll my eyes and turn my back to him so I can lean against the counter. My head sinks back to look at the ceiling and now I’m the one who’s pleading with the sky. “No, it wasn’t the d– no, not Angel. He’s the one who saved me, told me to come here for help. Not that I would call,” I wave my hand around at nothing in particular, “whatever this has been, 'help.'”

Varga says nothing, so I continue. “No, it was the other one. Ezekiel. EZ. He’s the one who– well.” I stop, my thoughts invaded again by Ezekiel's eyes in the headlights, this time mixed with flashes of that night on the beach. How soft and gentle his fingertips were on my shoulders. How cold the barrel of his gun felt pressed into my side. Tears begin streaking from the corners of my eyes. With my head back like that, they drip down across my temples and into my hairline.

Another pair of fingertips gently brushes my shoulder. I jerk forward violently and turn around to see Varga on the other side of the counter, with his hands up, as if to say, 'oh god, don’t shoot.'

“Hey, look. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so— such a dick. I forget what it’s like for people not—” he wavers, running his hand up and down the back of his head, searching for the words, “well, normal people. People not in our business.”

I scoff, "Normal. That's funny, normal."

He looks at me perplexed, waiting for me to clarify. But I can't even begin. So, staring at the air fresheners almost catatonic, I simply say, "Normal is not what I feel."

Varga seems to accept this well enough because he starts putting the cash trays back in the register and locks them up with the ledger. On his way back around the counter, he grabs his car keys and motions for me to follow him. “C’mon.”

He stops at the door once he realizes I am not following him. More speaking to the door than to me, he calls out, “Yo, you coming or what?”

“Coming? Coming where?”

In an oddly graceful gesture, he spins around, arms swinging, coming to rest on his hips, as he tips one out to the side. “You like milkshakes?”

“Do I like—?”

“Milkshakes. Y'know, milk, ice cream, they blend it all up with like chocolate or strawberry or confetti sprinkles or whatever sugary shit people like. How do we feel about them.”

“I mean—” I shrug. “Who doesn’t like milkshakes.”

“Great.” He nods, with a small smile on his face that reaches his eyes for the first time. It softens his otherwise prickly demeanor, exposing a charm so authentic in its self consciousness, it is plain to see he doesn’t smile with true joy often. Something clicks just then and it occurs to me: what if he’s the someone the senior Varga, M. Varga, has had to worry about all these years? He turns back around, grabbing the door handle. “Let’s get a milkshake.”

“Wait.”

I watch his shoulders rise and fall, an unmistakable sigh of frustration. A reaction I immediately resent. “Hey.” I cross my arms. “No mames, hombre. Like it is unreasonable for me to be uncertain about letting a perfect stranger take me to some unknown location, in a town I have never been to before, for a mystery milkshake.”

Turning back around, he strolls slowly over to me, smirking and fiddling with his keys. “Mystery milkshake, huh?"

Still unamused, my eyebrows are halfway up my forehead. I wait.

“Yeah alright, you got me there. But I think I’ve got a solution for that. You said your name's Gaby, right?” I bob my head once and he holds out his hand. “My name’s Nacho.” He seems to take notice of my eyes darting to the name tag on his uniform. “Well, Ignacio, but no one calls me that.” Leaning forward, voice dropping low and quiet, he pleads like it’s a secret. “Yeah, please don’t call me that, seriously.”

I can’t help but smile, accepting his hand. Though firm, it's also warm and softer than I expect, sending goosebumps up my forearm that take me by surprise.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you,” I beam at him, our hands moving up and down in tandem, "Señor Not-Ignacio Varga.”

“Oh good,” he says, smile deflating slightly as he cocks an eyebrow. “Another comedian. Remind me never to introduce you to Lalo.”

It seems I’m already treading dangerous ground, but that only makes me beam at him more. “Who is Lalo? And why should you never to introduce us?”

“Pues,” he looks me up and down, assessing me before rolling his eyes, “hay muchas razones pero la primera? Eres demasiado guapa y chistosa para conocer a un hombre peligroso así. But he’d sure think you’re— I dunno, something.”

O, demasiado guapa? Nacho is becoming more interesting by the minute. “Hmm, well–," I muse as he turns to open the door. "And what does Not-Ignacio think?”

He shoots me a look like don’t go there through half lidded eyes. It is the first time I notice how long his eyelashes are. Tú eres guapísimo también. He seems like the type to not really know it. Or at least, the type to be unconcerned with it anyway. Of course it’s just a hunch, but for some reason it warms me to him even more. Nothing like the Reyes boys. Well, except Felipe, who had never seemed especially preoccupied with his appearance.

“Okay, okay,” I put my hands up, “last time, I swear. So, what does Nacho think?”

“I think...” he takes a long pause while holding the door open for me, scratching his head like he is considering the question with genuine sincerity. “I think ..... thaaat it’s time for a milkshake.”

Stepping outside into the simmering Albuquerque sun, it is my turn to roll my eyes. But for some reason, I decide to up the anti by crinkling my nose and sticking my tongue out at him like a petulant child. Maybe it’s the sleeplessness, or maybe it’s just nice to talk to someone after 3 days of running. On the road alone. He laughs at me, letting the door slam shut, and waves me over, in the direction of his car.

Despite my pretend annoyance, I walk around to the passenger’s side of Nacho Varga’s car and a feeling hits me as suddenly as a flashbulb of an old camera: relief. For the first time since I left Lodi, I finally feel like I just might be okay.

As it turns out, I am right. I would be okay. Just not before all hell breaks loose.

═

taglist: @narcolini

[adultswim2021]

Squidbillies #50: "Not Without My Cash Cow!" | July 20, 2009 - 12:15AM | S04E10

Sometimes I think maybe I’m too hard on Squidbillies. When I point out that the show rarely makes me laugh it’s a true statement, but I don’t know if that makes me an effective arbiter of the show’s quality. I probably didn’t laugh out loud too much at the last Aqua Teen season, but I probably made less of a point to tell you this because I’m fonder of that show and those characters. If I’m being honest, the quality of these two shows this television season was probably fairly negligible. I would even go as far as to say that this was the best season of Squidbillies that I’ve seen, and I’m more fond of the show than I was last go round. 

In the conclusion of this two-parter: Durwood has taken Rusty from Early’s home. Early has seller's remorse, and is also promptly caught in a lie trying to disguise Lil as Rusty in order to keep his government child support checks from drying up. So, Early feigns that Rusty has been suspiciously kidnapped, causing Amber Alerts in the area. A media circus ensues which Early milks for all it’s worth.

Meanwhile, Durwood’s family home life isn’t all it’s cut out to be. His wife is addicted to wine and muscle relaxers. Durwood is revealed to be jobless, and we cut to him at a gay bar while pretending to go to work. His wife shares this fact with Rusty, also telling him that Durwood doesn’t know that she knows. It doesn’t stop with this overshare; she seduces Rusty, who gleefully fucks her. When Durwood comes home, she claims Rusty raped her. That’s when they simply stuff him into a sack and throw him back into Early’s yard.

I’ve been trained to be lightly wary of these types of take-downs of suburban/middle-class America, and this one doesn’t exactly reinvent the wheel. But it works well enough to pass the time for an eleven minute Adult Swim cartoon. It’s sorta fun to have one of your guys be a squid that’s walking upright in shoes, you know?? That dude straight-up unfurls and I gotta tell you, I was glad to see it. Not saying I loved this episode too much, but I liked it. Squidbillies: reasonably funny.

EPHEMERA CORNER: 

San Diego Comic-Con (July 23-25, 2009) 

Here’s the post where I basically just list all the Adult Swim related-stuff that happened at or around comic-con in 2009. I recall going to this comic-con, but I don’t think I have a good enough of a memory to definitively say what I did and where. If I remember anything, I’ll write a thing. Also, I’ll link to videos if there are any. Also, this is apropos somewhat; I realized that I’m pretty sure I’ve failed to highlight other panels at different comic-cons, but the idea of cataloging all of them to any extent just seems exhausting. Collectors of Adult Swim ephemera should do due diligence and find all the other con shit themselves. I mostly just highlight San Diego because I’ve actually gone to that one myself a few times. Thanks. 

SDCC Panel: Robot Chicken w/ Titan Maximum (July 23, 2009 - 3:00PM) SDCC Panel: The Mighty Boosh (July 24, 2009 - 4:45PM)

I can’t imagine going to the Robot Chicken panel. I don’t think I went to the Mighty Boosh panel.

Tim and Eric Awesome Show Performance (July 24, 2009 - 7:00PM)

I think I went to the Tim & Eric show with Kon, who is famous for being my friend and sometimes writing into the blog. I recall having gone to a Tim & Eric show at an all-ages venue in San Francisco maybe a few months before this. The kids were actually pretty great, but the 21+ crowd were dickheads, who vaguely treated everyone and everything like it was just a big freak show. I remember watching some girl dance during all the songs and stealing focus. I despised her.

Mighty Boosh Bash (July 24, 2009 - 11:00PM)

I remember going to this, it was basically a short stage show with the Boosh Boys and it ended with a DJ set. I mingled for like 15 minutes and then left.

Tim and Eric Awesome-Con 2009 (July 25, 2009 - 12:00PM)

This happens in a park outside the convention center. I don’t remember what happened at which Awesome-Con. Could this be the Awesome-Con where I asked to take a picture with James Quall and he just made a noise that sounded like a big sigh and I took it as a yes while he stared off into the distance. It was a dark moment, man. 

SDCC Panel: Series Development and the Venture Bros. (July 25, 2009 - 6:00PM)

I think I sat through this, and I think this might’ve been the panel where I sat next to a really beautiful girl who was dressed like Lady Au Pair. Maybe. I don’t know, I probably said that about the last Venture Bros. panel. I might be hazy on the details, but I basically remember every hot girl who ever touched or almost touched me. 

Robot Chicken Fan Event (July 25, 2009 - 8:00PM)

In your dreams, dickbag