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concordefliesinmyroom · 2 years ago

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introduction !!!

hii !!!! my name is Violet. i am a really big fan of art & whatnot (basic). i have been taking on a little bit of a personal challenge 2 listen 2 at least one new album every day & ive been working on that challenge for about 1.5 years now !!! i looove talking about art and sharing my thoughts and 4 the past year or so i have been posting all my thoughts and media analysis and whatnot onto my Instagram story, but i have always wanted 2 start posting my thoughts somewhere that is more.... permanent, i guess? bc Instagram stories expire after 24 hours yk. anyways. i finally made a Tumblr blog !!!!! i am COMPLETELY new 2 Tumblr. so i apologize in advance if my blog is like informal or not very "good" quality by Tumblr standards or whatever else i will get better !!!

here is what u can expect from this page:

i am going to post music reviews/recommendations most likely, as well as film & literature & all of that stuff. whenever i see a piece of media that interests me enough 2 want 2 talk abt it im gonna use this blog 2 share my thoughts !!!!

i also am really interested in philosophy, i am only just now formally getting into it, but i have been thinking about that sort of stuff and asking questions like that 4ever. erm. i wouldnt call myself a philosopher bc that feels pretentious but i aspire 2 be a philosopher eventually. ill probably post abt that sort of stuff as well. i am also VERY interested in sociology, psychology, anthropology, political science... pretty much anything like that. i just love learning about things in general EVERYTHING is so fascinating 2 me but especially humanity.

i am a bit interested in politics as well !!!! i dont like to use any labels 4 my political ideas bc i feel like those can be limiting & contribute 2 close-mindedness but if i had 2 describe my alignment in any way i am probably pretty far-left. although i am completely open 2 hearing everyone's ideas!

i might also post about other things as well, im not sure yet !!!

some info abt me:

i am a girl, so, she/her pronouns ig !

i am 16 years old (well im 15 but i turn 16 in two weeks)

i am a member of the LGBTQ community

my handle on most social media sites is yourdadcosplay if u want 2 follow me anywhere else !!! (i dont do cosplay or anything~ when i was 13 i heard some guy on tiktok say the phrase "your dad cosplay" and i thought that combination of words was super funny so i made it into my username on instagram and then it just kind of stuck. and i use that on everything now. only reason i didnt use it 4 my tumblr is bc i didnt want ppl 2 think my blog was a cosplay blog or something idk)

my favorite music artists r: Black Country New Road, Kimya Dawson, Death Grips, Xiu Xiu, and Car Seat Headrest !!!!

my favorite album of all time is Ants From Up There and my favorite movie of all time is Everything Everywhere All at Once, both of those pieces came out in the year 2022.

my favorite book is the manga Goodnight Punpun by Inio Asano, and its actually the book that made me fall in love with literature.

im currently working on creating my own website!!! i dont know anything about HTML though, so it will be a long process.

i dont believe in astrology rlly but i am a Gemini.

my iq is 122 or something around that i dont remember the number i just remember im in the 93rd percentile

i am an INFP

boundaries:

i do try my absolute best to be open-minded and tolerant towards everyone's ideas and beliefs; even those which i disagree with. i actually encourage ppl who disagree with anything i say 2 challenge me or discuss/debate with me. that being said, if u r not willing 2 have a civil and open-minded discussion with me, and if ur only interest is arguing, then i will ask u 2 pls leave me alone. i love talking 2 ppl who have ideas different than my own, but i do not wish 2 engage in any immature internet beefs or anything of that sort.

pls, 4 the love of god, if u r the type of person who gets offended over every little thing; if u r more concerned with petty discourse & things that have no significance 2 any real-life problems; if u lack media literacy; or if u r otherwise just unintelligent, then PLEASE dont interact with my page.

i try my absolute best 2 be a good person. if i ever do anything that u find 2 be morally offensive (this is not just if i say something that makes u feel a bit of angst, but if i say something that u feel is actually problematic.) or if we r interacting directly & i make u uncomfortable, PLEASE TELL ME! i hate it when ppl have problems with me that could easily be resolved but they just dont tell me. it makes me anxious.

also, pls note:

just because i talk about a certain piece of media or art or literature on this blog does not necessarily mean that i agree with the ideas expressed in that blog or even that i like that piece. i try my best to think 4 myself and i do not take all of the ideas that r expressed 2 me as the absolute truth. just because i read any given book does not mean that i necessarily agree with its ideas; the same goes 4 all of the topics i discuss here.

as a large part of this blog is abt media discussion & whatnot, i want 2 say that i am absolutely open 2 any art. and i will not avoid any piece of media just because it is allegedly problematic.

most of this page is dedicated 2 sharing and discussing my ideas on various topics like art, philosophy, politics, and such. i dont think that im going 2 be posting or saying anything that is incredibly morally offensive or anything, and 2 be honest i dont even think my ideas r particularly radical or controversial, but, if there ever does come a time when i might have a potentially controversial idea, i wont hesitate 2 share it. im not going 2 censor myself or sugarcoat my beliefs on this blog just 2 avoid discourse.

all of that being said, this blog is not 2 be taken 100% seriously either. i will talk abt serious topics on here, but i like 2 laugh as well! u should not assume that anything i say is 100% serious or 100% satirical. that SHOULD be a given, but on my Instagram account, i have had a worrying amount of interactions with ppl who got mad at me 4 things bc they assumed i was serious when i wasnt or vice versa.

ok, that is all !!! thx 4 reading !!!

#introductory post #first post #death grips #xiu xiu #kimya dawson #musicposting #girlblogging

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slowdripsunrise · 1 year ago

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what i love about this blog is that i have no followers so i can say whatever i want. i think i need new experiences i didnt mean it in like a touch grass kind of way i meant it in a i think i have a craving to step into other people's lives and experience what they experience no matter what it is to fill some sort of void inside me. anyways i finished Big Swiss by Jen Beagin! review and spoilers under the cut

ok i started this. ages ago. so i dont remember the first half of the book much i said i liked it up there but honestly idk if thats true lol. i guess it was fine? iiiiiiiidk. well the second half of the book was good! chew be honest i only really started caring about the characters in like the last 100 or so pages. my favorite parts were reading about piñon and also the donkeys. it made me happy that greta found some peace at the end of the story; honestly i did not give a shit about her and big swiss' relationship at all like it was fine and just a part of the story to me. like i did not feel sad that they didnt end up together and i dont think i would have been that excited if they had. oh i also liked reading about the bees. the various creatures and critters that live in greta and sabine's house were the most fun. but yeah i really just didnt see the chemistry between them? idk maybe it was the writing style but it very much was tell over show with the declarations of love and stuff. i never really thought that big swiss cared all that much about greta besides her talking about how she cared about greta. idk. i think tbh i was overhyped for this which is unfortunate because i wanted to like it a lot. i've heard about it being so incredibly hilarious laugh out loud funny and i was so ready for that but i just didnt :(((( idk. sort of related i read half this book (almost exactly i think) maybe. a month ago? and just finished it today. and i've found that i think i didnt care about the characters as much because i read it so far apart from each other? but then other times i'll read a book in one sitting and Also not care about the characters or story, like i get so wrapped up in this one little bubble of time and world and book that once i stop reading the bubble is popped and it doesnt affect me any more. i think the last book to Really make me feel was Our Wives Under the Sea that book is fucking awesome. anyways ive been thinking about this recently how i dont really seem to enjoy books as much as i did when i was younger, like middle school high school even elementary age. and i dont know if the books are bad, the books dont have enough joy and whimsy, or the problem is me, that I dont have enough joy and whimsy in my heart to really sink into a book. and of course its part of growing up, and the way i read was bound to change, but it makes me a bit sad? that i don't become absolutely violent ill obsessive possessed over a book like i used to. like. is it the depression that i probably have? is it the anxiety meds that i've been taking that i don't even really think do anything since they're treating a misdiagnosis? am i just a changed individual that especially after the pandemic has become hardened and uncaring? <- thats not true i cry over webweaves and fanfic all the time. idk maybe i just need to pick better books. but i think im gonna try a theory cuz when i was a kid i mostly read chapter by chapter a couple a day. and now its more. read a shit ton until i get bored then forget about it for a month. so i think im gonna try and pace myself with my next book (still dont know what that is yet lol) and see how it goes. anyways back to big swiss i did like it i was entertained it wasnt mindblowing or anything. a book about normal people doing bad things. cool

i did not take any suggestions from tiktok !! however i am about halfway through Big Swiss by Jen Beagin and its. well its interesting i definitely like it !!! but its very hm. yaknow. i really hope i get some fucking reading done soon like i need to keep finishing books so i can read more books so i can finish them and on and on and on. i think i need new experiences.

#big swiss #also during the scene where piñon gets shot all i could think about was how carlos sainz could never read this book

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haitaniapologist · 2 years ago

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TAKE ME TO CHURCH.

pairings — shiba taiju x fem!reader.

warnings — NSFW SO MINORS AND AGELESS BLOGS DON'T INTERACT, spoilers of tokyo revengers chapter 260, soft s*x, fing*ring, yn has catholic parents, h*resies, tummy b*lge, size k*nk, use of the term princess and kitten, finger s*cking, fwb dynamic, a little bit of angst.

word count — 2k

notes — this happened bc im home bc of covid and because taiju was so dawn fine on this chapter. this is not fair to me and my poor heart. also shoutout to @1900-aria my beautiful twin who heard me simping for taiju all day.

you’ve been friends with the shiba siblings for three years, but you never saw taiju as beaten up as he was. not even when his gang was overthrown by toman on christmas night — that day, he was more emotionally wounded than physically. that time, you didn’t know what to do, only hugging him when he climbed up your window and jumped on your bed as if he weighed nothing. you two weren’t even in a relationship — and you still didn’t know if you were — and you were afraid to touch him, treating him as a wounded dog.

in some sort of way, he was.

so, that night, you just hugged him until he fell asleep on top of you. taiju didn’t want treatment for the few injuries he had, and you were an inexperienced teenager — the only thing you could do was keep his head against your chest and let him show a bit of vulnerability to you. at morning, he left your house as if nothing happened, leaving your heart heavy and clouded with bad emotions, only to have hope revived inside of it when he returned at midnight, that time holding you against his chest.

and so the cycle began.

now, however, taiju sat quietly on your bed, his uniform’s shirt long discarded — you were sure he left it at the train tracks, but he said he lost it on the “way” to your house — legs opened to accommodate you between his strong thighs. your small hand was holding his jaw, to angle his head so it would be easier to clean his bruises, the other holding a piece of cloth with antiseptic to make sure he wouldn’t need to visit a hospital. you couldn’t help but notice how more lively he seemed, how happier he looked in contrast to the first day he climbed up to your room.

you were quiet now, basking in the comfortable silence that was instilled between you two, but you managed to extract from him what happened — he fought with two legendary members of the black dragons and he won, and toman won over kanto manji and detroned sano manjiro. you couldn’t care less about gang life, but if it made taiju happy, you were happy hanagaki takemichi won. you still laughed thinking about him, remembering the crush yuzuha had on the boy after the christmas’ incident — but what happened that day was what brought you and taiju closer, so you had to thank the boy, probably.

“why the smile, princess?” you hated how his words had such an affect on your body, shivers running down your spine and a blush creeping to your cheeks.

“just admiring my handwork.” it wasn’t a total lie. you were trying to see if there weren't any spots that you left unattained, or if he had more bruises than you thought — but you were also admiring him, because you never saw taiju as bloody or beaten as he was. if he won against legends, did that mean he was a legend too? maybe he could put that on his resume to find a job. “i think you’re all cleaned up, big guy.” knowing taiju since childhood had its perkys, such as calling him nicknames and not being chastised by it — and he only hummed, eyes hooded with something you couldn’t comprehend.

you were used to the routine of cleaning him up. after you were finished, taiju would let you go so you could discard properly the cotton clothes and store again the antiseptic in your bathroom, then you would find laying down on your bed and you would cuddle with him until he woke up, his warmth in your sheets the only proof that he had spent the night with him.

however, this time, his hands found their place on your hips, bringing your body impossible closer to his, his body warmth and scent making you dizzy. to not fall onto his body, your fingers grabbed his shoulders so you could steady yourself after the initial shock of having such a routine disturbed.

no words were exchanged between you two, only taiju’s lips crashing up on yours, and you knew — it was his way to show vulnerability. something must’ve happened on the train tracks for him to feel this way, for him to want something that happened only when both of you were needy or sad. sex with taiju was never laced with love as you thought it would be. for a devoted catholic like himself, you thought he would be guarding himself until marriage — but he always sought you off when he needed to relieve himself, as you did with him.

it wasn’t a healthy relationship. you two weren’t just friends anymore, but you weren’t also lovers, even though he always whispered sweet nothing in your ear while his cock was splitting you open. nothing he said was true, and even though your heart shattered every time you woke up with bruises along your body and his cum between your legs, you couldn’t stop yourself.

taiju was addictive, almost as if he was your salvation, the only thing that could save you from the gray and dull adult life, and you would gladly fall to your knees to get it.

still with your lips glued to his, you pushed taiju until his back hit your mattress and you were straddling him, clothed pussy on top of his semi hard cock. a hiss escaped his lips, and you smirked, leaning down to pamper his face and neck his kisses, while his hands, that once were on your hips, grabbed the flesh of your ass to make friction between your clothed sexes.

you never saw him being so vocal during intimate times, but you weren’t complaining. the grunts and huffs coming from his mouth only prompted you to rub yourself harder against him, core tightening and orgasm building up inside you, while your lips were sucking and biting in the flesh of his neck. however, as you felt in the brick of ecstasy, your positions were inverted — you were now on your back, taiju between your legs and a dangerous look on his face.

“you had your fun, princess, now it is my time.” as soon as the words left his mouth, your pajama’s shorts and panties were ripped from your body, eliciting a moan from coming out of your mouth. you were always surprised with taiju’s strength, and you knew a new pair of pajamas and a new set of comfortable lingerie would be delivered to your house tomorrow. he could rip as many pieces of cloth he wanted with you.

you opened your mouth to accommodate two fingers of his, sucking and wetting them with your saliva, a faint line of the juice connecting you to his hand when taiju deemed his fingers wet enough to enter your pussy. he did it without warning, cock twitching at the sound that left your mouth. you were like a siren, making him wanting to jump in a sea full of monsters only to be close to you — but would you be accepting of his love like that? would you let your light be tainted with his darkness?

but such thoughts were ripped from his mind as soon as your little fingers pushed his head against your pussy, fingers already massaging your gummy walls, and he understood what you wanted. his tongue started to encircle your puffy clit, sucking and applying pressure on the bundle of nerves, your sounds being muffled by your mouth — your parents were sleeping in a few rooms down where you were, and if they knew their little and perfect daughter was being corrupted by a man they deemed to be of god, you were sure they would make sure your life was a living hell.

yet a loud whimper left your mouth when your high crashed down, and taiju chuckled — you were a minx, weren’t you? almost as if you were eve and he was adam, but your body was the apple instead. but he was willing to betray god or deny him as much as he could so he could have you between his arms.

he didn’t give you much time to recompose yourself before his belt was hitting the ground and his cock was entering your warm walls. taiju stayed a few minutes still, wanting you to adjust to his length inside you — he knew how big he was, and god forbid him from hurting you. he wanted you to feel as good as he felt inside you, but his patience was growing thin seeing the outline of his dick in your belly. you were still with your eyes closed, but taiju knew you could feel it too, and not only from his hand pressing down on it.

before he could say something, though, your little whimpers broke the silence.

“t-tai, please, move.” you pleaded, eyes now full open and hand gripping his fingers. he only nodded — he did anything for you.

he started to thrust in and out of you, careful to not make any sounds that would alarm your parents a sinful act was happening inside your room. but the sound of his skin slapping against yours was addicting to him, as well as the way your pussy was welcoming his length. a loud moan came from your mouth and he smirked. “are you feeling good, princess?” it was a rhetorical question and taiju knew it, but he wanted the words coming from your mouth.

you didn’t hesitate to answer. “yes! oh god, you’re so big and you’re m-making me feel so f-full!” he didn’t care about the pain on his chest or how tired he felt after the fight, not when you were whispering such words to him. taiju knew he needed to make you his right now — or else someday you would slip between his fingers like the sand castles from his siblings he used to smash when they were little.

“i do?” his smirk only grew wider at your nods and whimpers. “then tell me this pussy belongs to me. that you belong to me.” you knew he was closer by the erranct pace of his hips, and by the way his thumb messily rubbed your clit — but your mind was so clouded with only him that you couldn’t comprehend his words properly.

“i’m yours, i’ve always been yours! just like you’re mine.” you almost growled, nails scratching his back as if you were a cat trying to mark her owner to make everyone know he was out of limits. because he was, and taiju knew that too — but he was a coward to not say that out loud.

he paused, and you whimpered, big hand cupping your cheek. you would be the death of him, nuzzling your face on his hand like it was a warm blanket. “is my kitten being territorial?” you pouted, which earned from him a chuckle and you gripped his forearms, bringing his body closer to yours. “i’m all yours, y/n, you don’t need to worry.” he finished his promise with a peck on your lips.

you could only nod, eyes rolling back when he started to toy with your clit once more and his thrusts grew faster and deeper, and you swore you could feel him in your throat. you came around his cock as soon as he pinched your puffy and swollen bud, tears falling from your eyes and chest rising and falling because of how fast your breathing was. taiju followed you, filling you to the brim with his cum, head falling on your chest.

your hands were in his hair and he sighed, still inside you. but your heart was heavy after you processed his words — was he saying the truth? did he really mean what he said, that you belonged to him and him to you? did he even believe what you were saying or did he think it was just mindless babbling?

“i love you.” he whispered against the skin of your clavicule, sucking on it to mark you as well — but he already ruined you to any other man that wasn’t himself, your pussy molded to the outline of his cock.

you smiled.

“i love you too, taiju.”

maybe you didn’t need to worry, after all. he was yours as you were his. always had been.

#shiba taiju #shiba taiju x reader #tokyo revengers #tokyo revengers x reader #tokrev x reader #taiju shiba #taiju shiba x reader #taiju x reader

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dee-is-for-lots-of-things · 3 years ago

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one of the little subtleties in season of mists i love is the subtly different way Dream presents himself to the different ambassadors, like even down to what he’s wearing. he’s slightly different for everyone and i love thinkin about the attention to detail, it would have been so easy for him to be just in his full on dream king mode all the time but instead we get this (sorry this is gonna be long but i love this. its a sandman blog this is what u signed up for lol)

the first one to show up is odin, who offers up a prediction of ragnarok containing a fragment of dream’s soul

dream is in his casual moping outfit, t shirt and probably jeans, but sits above odin. it’s possible this is to sort of remind odin that dream is in charge here, since odin is a trickster and considers tricking dream through basically the whole book. the candles are probably a reference to something smart neil gaiman read but i just think they also add to the neat border, separating odin and dream.

he’s also pretty polite to odin, genuinely considering the offer and generally being nice about it (well. nice for dream lol)

next we cut to jemmy (ambassador for chaos)

this is immediately distinct because she’s stood so close to him. while odin was a little bit away and dream was sat above him, here thanks to the height difference that’s already there i guess he didnt think he needed to bother

dream is much harsher to her than odin (although not the worst he gets) the other think i wanna say is i think the image of dream with his balloon is very sweet

the candles are back when order’s messenger shows up, and he’s put his big dramatic coat on for being big and dramatic in. with the wide shot at the end the candles seem to once again be a barrier, this time against the floating emissary, shielding dream and keeping him in a little circle (whether this is the intention of dream or it’s a fun little bit of imagery to show how isolated dream has made himself, who’s to say)

he’s also a lot meaner again, outright dismissing kilderkin, which shows that he was being very nice to odin at the beginning. maybe he puts on his coat to be scarier after chaos just straight up threatened him

i always enjoy a shift in artstyle to represent the perspectives of other cultures, especially dream in similar clothes that i do not know the name of (sorry) also it’s weird seeing him in blue instead of black, obviously the way they draw black often uses blue to highlight but idk it’s just different and i like it. his words are similar to how he spoke to odin, and the offer is considered on the same level

bast and dream have at least something of a history together (correct me if im wrong it’s a while since i last read brief lives) and are a lot more direct. maybe the short, single word phrases mean he’s slightly taken aback or maybe it means this is the fifth meeting he’s had and he just remembered there’s still more to come and is very tired

also, lovin the collar

matthew interlude! this is very cute. moving swiftly on!

in terms of his physical presentation, i think azazel is the most interesting. for one thing, he’s hovering to match, and his cloak thing idk what to call it has a bunch of layers overlapping much like azazel’s many eyes mouths etc. the fact that azazel is the one one to really take offense with his cautious diplomatic tone is fun but not really unexpected, he’s a fucking demon.

oh also he’s back in his t shirt when the angels come and take the key. worth mentioning but i forgot to get screenshots lol

#writing this up makes me wanna get that annotated sandman book #comicc #season of mists #sandman #the sandman #lily liveblogs #dream of the endless #neil gaiman #long post #sorry but also not sorry

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saltymongoose · 2 years ago

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Hihi! Im a bit new here (cough even though I’ve read like everything already cough) and i just wanna say i FUCKING, LOVE your depiction of grunts!!! Ive always felt they were more, animal like? With the paws and growling and purring and aaaa! /pos

But i do have a bit of a question for you!! You you don’t need to answer, and if you don’t want too you can just ignore this entirely! But i wanted your thoughts and opinions on this, do you think grunts have mating cycles? Aka, heats/ruts? Its been on my mind quite a bit, and as someone who doesn’t necessarily write fanfiction, i just wanted an opinion from someone who does on this little thought!!

Anyways!! I love your writing so much <3 and I’m glad you’re getting some more lenient time with uni and everything! Have a good day!!! And remember to drink some water or eat a snack <33

(If its alright, might I go by Pop Anon? :0 Or just Pop for short!)

(TW: A bit suggestive for the subject matter, but this reads more like a biology lesson/explanation than anything.)

Hello, Pop! Welcome to the blog, I'll make sure to add you to my Anon list. :) I'm also really happy you like the way I depict grunts; I've always tended to lean into a more non-human portrayal of them since I really like to explore the differences they'd have with us. (It also made enough sense to me with the paws they have and the purring hcs I'd seen before, etc.) Plus, I'm just a big fan of non-human characters and grunts can fit this really well, being the cross-faced homunculi that they are lol.

I'd also be more than happy to answer your question too. If we were to go even more into how animalistic grunts could be, to put it shortly, yes! I do in fact think that grunts would probably go through mating cycles. Or at least some of them would.

The reason I make this clarification is because of how generations and cloning work. Basically, my hc is that all Gens before G03s (G03LMs) would probably have these cycles, but after G03's, all of the new grunts are clones, which makes it more unlikely.

(Further clarification below with a little weird biology stuff I know fsr, this response got pretty long. 😅 I do include a note where the complicated stuff ends tho, if you don't care for reading it. 👍)

This includes G04s and MAGs, according to the wiki. Given how dystopian the Nexus Core and AAHW are (specifically the AAHW, with how a majority of them are also S3LFless), I think population control might be an element they'd include. Or at least they'd try to get rid of heats/ruts because it makes grunts "unproductive" or some weird corporate nonsense like that. 🙄 So I can see some genetic manipulation going on to sort of "erase" the behavior for the cycles.

Whether the later generations even have the capability of experiencing them depends on how this behavior is altered. Though if we go with genetics, and use the logic of pseudogenes (genes that are not "used" but are still there in the genetic code), then technically one could have a G04 experience a heat cycle/rut by sort of "reawakening" the gene. This could be by grafting a part of from an earlier grunt to them, fiddling more with their genetics, etc.

And even with pseudogenes and "dormant" traits, some clones would still probably exhibit mating cycles as the product of a flawed development cycle. (Called "atavisms" in biology, where ancestral traits occasionally make a reappearance in new lines.) If you want to go really far, all of this biology stuff could probably be applied to fertility as well in later clones (because population control ¯\_(ツ)_/¯), but I digress.

(End of In-Depth Explanation)

As you can tell, I've probably put too much thought into this lol. Basically, what this means is the following grunts would have mating cycles: Phobos (G01), Hank (G02), Deimos (G02), Sanford (G02), and 2BDamned (G02).

With G03LMs, they're stitched together corpse parts so I am undecided (I still need to figure out how that works lmao), but with all gens after 3 it's probably pretty unlikely. But not impossible.

(P.S. Thank you so much for your kind words, Pop, and I hope you have a good day too! <3)

#tw: suggestive (kinda?)#currently drinking water as you instructed #can't wait to see what I get in my inbox after this lmao #pop anon #i ❤️ anons #this was weirdly fun to discuss tho

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tokyokookmin · 3 years ago

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I really loved your explanation regarding vmin it was retable. kanmom51 anon, Im using a little of your ask for @tokyokookmin to explain and narrate a lil about JIMIN shes a JM biased too so I felt that it would be appropriate to ask her.

"Because it’s no secret that JM doesn’t get any praise from the company, the choreographer, and all."

"When it comes to the members it’s a different topic. They hype Jimin up. We have J-Hope constantly praising JM. Jk completely in awe with JM dance. Jin thanking him for helping him rehearse."

"So for me Bighit for some reason doesn’t do anything for JM, no credit in his work, no acknowledgement, nothing."

I felt that every single word that this anon has said is pure truth and this remark deserves much more attention. We all know what's currently going on with JM, the situation is really bad and its getting worse, toxic solo stans are bashing him and they are comparing him to other members from every perspective + even the hate that he's getting bcuz of him "annoying jk" in that memories 2020.

I need you to explain on how a wonderful person JM is. Your impact makes a huge difference on people mindset. tysm keshhh.

Hey there anon!, I deeply understand your emotions. The hate that JM is going through is really bad and I have personally reported those accounts on twt etc. I even took a few snapshots of a tiktok video comment section... I will surely share them some day or another. Well then lets get started! I can't compare J-HOPE TO JM because they are my biases and both of them captivated my eyes, I just can't resist their flawless moves and they make a great dance unit... it would be incomplete without one of them + JK lol.

Most armies would say that JK is the golden maknae or he's the best overall in the team, well y'all took JM for granted, he's capable of doing so many things as well. But before that we need to talk about his dancing skills, I have made one blog about the 3J. Here's the link if you would like to know about their achievements/viral moments https://tokyokookmin.tumblr.com/post/654670945252933632/a-guide-to-the-dance-line..... this blog was mostly just me collecting info's lmao-.

1. DANCE ☝️

Well I found this incredible video from tiktok and I thought that this video would be perfect to describe his contemporary skills. Utmost respect to the creator for creating such a masterpiece!

Jimin Van Fleet Award!

Do we really need to talk about this? We all knew what impact he had given to audience with his remarkable traditional korean fan dance.He is extremely talented, after all he trained in contemporary.

“I received many really big awards today. I sincerely appreciate it, and it was a day when I thought I would like to share it with you with better music and stage in the future. Thank you all for your support. #JIMIN# We have been unclear” #JiminWorldwideLoved 📷📷📷📷

"As emphasized by the ballet dancer, being lifted is not easy, just like in the case of Jimin in the said stage. A strong core, glutes, and chest are vital for the one being lifted." https://youtu.be/3RW91KT3bXw - another review from a japanese dancer.

He is extremely versatile and he can master any sort of genre.He excels in dancing,his moves and fluidity of his body is astonishing they way he moves every tissue in his body to perfectly to complete the cheoreo is just mind blowing, he is truly the embodiment of dancing! Believe me or not, you should pay more attention on his facial expressions... he keeps it graceful. His fingers and angle are on point.

From MAMA 2016 Lie meets Boy meets evil to MMA 2020 black swan 🦢..I wonder what's coming up next.

2. Loving member

Jimin is the member that I connect emotionally to, he's a sentimental person but he just doesn't show it you just have to pay attention on his behaviour and actions. He consoles many of the members and he provides comfort for them. The picture I attached below sets a great example.

1. BTS MAMA 2018... It was a tough year for them. They were close to disbanding, and the members were emotionally drained. My heart sank when I saw hobi breaking down in front of the crowd, you can find tons of fancams but you should take a close look at Jimin. He handled the situation very well and I love the way he gives his subtle touch of love towards the other members.

2. Taehyung grandma death announcement

I don't think that I need to explain the about the situation. Taehyung was really sad and felt guilty as he couldn't mention his grandma name. He broke down and Jimin immediately noticed him and ran towards him and just gave him little pat/huggie.

3. The Final

Even by looking at the picture you can see the comfort. You know that GCF-TOKYO song “there for you’ which implies that Jk means he will be there for jimin but "you gotta be there for me too” which means jimin gotta be there for him too. So yeah, JM just know jungkook well and he comforts Jk pretty well.It was so cute and i wished i was a part of the audience, i would have had a panic attack looking at them being so cute,fluff,intimate ON STAGE . Too bad it’s impossible now .

3.He's a badass [ athletic/ physical ]

Jimin has often talked about his experience in kendo,japanese fencing,Geomdo (검도, 劍道) “Way of the Sword” & hapkido. HAPKIDO: electid korean martial arts .It is a form of self-defense that employs joint locks, grappling, throwing techniques, kicks, punches, and other striking attacks.

https://youtu.be/oUcHghZQxiw - a video you may refer to.

.4.Academic excellence

After Namjoon Jimin has the most remarkable academic achievements in bts. He was one of the top students in junior high and was THE top student in Busan arts high school from ALL the departments. Fun fact Jimin IQ is 128! He was valedictorian too.

"When he was in junior high, he was one of the top students so Jimin's dad thought of enrolling him in a foreign language school. When he decided to go to an arts school, his teachers tried to stop him and were disappointed. He was accepted as the top of his class and attended Busan High School of Arts. He was doing really good. Then he switched to K-pop dancing and decided to be a trainee in Seoul. Teachers also tried to stop him and were disappointed. Park Jimin's life is really something.

36. Our Jimin didn't spend a lot of time preparing for the arts school. He was dancing popping when he decided to go to the arts school. He then learned modern dancing for a little over a year and was accepted at Busan High School of Arts as the top of his class even though he was a dance majorπ TT TT Every member in this group could've been successful at anything. That group is our pride, BTS.

60. Wow! If there's only one dance class, it's really incredible~ It's hard to get a top student from dance department. And it was achieved by a male student and it's Park Jimin TTTT

67. That's what I know too.. I was looking into Busan Arts School before and one class for dance is probably correct. It was mostly music and art classes that I remember. So from Busan Arts School, one out of ten classes and a male student from dance department getting accepted as the top of the class...the percentage is just incredible. I know that the dance class has about 40 students? And male students could be 25:15 or 30:10. Jimin broke through this and became the top.

Namjoon and Jimin really made a huge gamble. They could've went the easier way. Truthfully, if they went their way, they both would have succeeded. But becoming an idol and not knowing what their future will be and BTS not being successful from the beginning must have been really hard for them. But now I'm glad they're successful and they can realize they've made the right choice."

cr @artimitatesjimin

I really respect and idolize him. His personality is unique and its different.He's been through alot. Being kicked from BTS for 8+ times, the members ranking his looks as the last and being called fat and ugly, that's really disturbing. He starved and went on diets just to please the audience and to have a jawline. He works his ass of and he really deserves more. He's obviously cutie,sexy,lovely,sweet guy! He prioritize his career, family and fans before anything. He has absolute heavenly vocals (+crazyyy high notes) and he is the definition of stage presence. PARK JIMIN IS THE STANDARD. Solo toxic fans are definitely going to attack on me but this is the reality.Jimin deserves more and he's such a sweet person. He performs with his whole heart and expresses it wonderfully,he goes all out and each performance comes out from his soul. He loves to perform. I MEAN FOR THE LOOKS, JIMIN IS THE FIRST FOR JUNGKOOK~.

He once even wasn't able to attend THE GRAHAM NORTON SHOW due to his sore muscles.

He went through alot and he deserves the #1 in brand reputation, who doesn't admire his determination?

Each member is unique in their own way. I want no hate or malice on my platform ~

Bits and pieces I collected anon! love ya ~ stay safe.

#bts park jimin #park jimin #tojungkookjiministhethebest #jiminbiased #istilllovejikook #bts jikook #kookmin

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geges · 3 years ago

Note

I hope this isn't too rude or assuming, but I also wanted to know, if u had any favorite moments in any media u've liked that you're okay with sharing? (just asking since this also appears to be a fandom(??) / anime(??) blog and if u're ok with answering something really offtopic)

ANON I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU…. I WOULD LOVE TO INFODUMP ABT MY INTERESTS. PLS. sadly yes i’m mostly a fandom/interests blog, mostly cnovels and manhua, so this ask is pretty on-topic for my blog. obligatory disclaimer a lot of these things have Problems and Issues so this isn’t me saying i am an uncritical fan of the media this is just a list of scenes that make me incredibly hhghgnnneennn. some of them made me cry in the chicken feed aisle in a Tractor’s Supply once and im still upset abt that one. a lot of these have spoilers for various cnovels so i put it under a cut :)

additional warning that um. there's a lot of mentioned death/suicide. most of these are characters dying honestly

so, Media Of All Time favourite scenes:

(tgcf) legitimately every scene with qi rong im not joking i go crazy over him. notable mention of that scene in the Final Battle with gu zi……….. i’m insane

(liu yao) um. i don’t remember the main character’s name. but yeah him dying <3 jiayou! that one drives me insane i read it like once a week

(nan chan) mr human magikarp fucking dying and jin ling just….. losing it

(nan chan) jin ling’s subsequent imprisonment and isolation :)

(nan chan) JIN LING MURDER SPREE!!!!!!!

(huang jin tai) yan xiaohan getting drugged and immediately going to stab himself so that he doesn’t “betray” fu shen

(qian qiu) yan wushi hiding shen qiao in that buddha statue and running off to die

(teio) THE FUCKING EARTHWORM CRYING. GOD

(teio) everything with bai ruoyao. i love him im so homophobic

(mo du) fei du suffering for five entire books straight

(mo du) that scene near the end where he has to grasp the trigger handhold and his Immense Certified Trauma kicks in

(mo du) luo wenzhou NOT pokemon evolving into a big red flag the second he got one glimpse past fei du’s walls. Like that man saw Fei Du: Genuinely Unwell Extraordinaire, and not only did he not jab fd with a horse tranq, he just went and made the man dinner. what the fuck

(twwtadsl) the betrayal scene <3

(tsomd) sui zhou almost dying for tang fan like 2302984 times but notable mention of the First Time when he tried to die for tang fan in the fight against the tomb guardian

(missing sect leader) wei jiangyue going “I JUST CANT STAND IT WHEN HE’S NOT ALRIGHT……………..”

(missing sect leader) wei jiangyue making a bet with ye you that hinges the fate of the world or whatever and his terms for if he wins. instead of using the chance to ask for something large. he asks yy to just tell him something. anything at all. just tell him something

(missing sect leader) wei jiangyue telling ye you he will die for him to repent for his father’s mistake but hiding the fact that his willingness to die for yy comes from his love for him, not his guilt

(missing sect leader) that scene where yy reveals his identity and wjy realises that no matter what he has to leave yy alone and cannot even approach him again. and just sinking in shame and regret to spend his entire lifetime in pain from the fact that his presence causes yy pain

(missing sect leader) in front of the entire jianghu. wei jiangyue giving himself up to the threat of being brutally killed be ye you if it meant yy was given some sort of closure. jesus christ i don’t even like this book this much and yy/wjy isn’t even canon why do they have so much on this list

(tong qian kan shi) the insect cave scene <3

(tqks) xuanmin closing his eyes as he is put through incredible pain and torture, being literally killed, in order for xue xian to enact his revenge against the great priest

(tqks) the great priest forcing xx to recognize that his revenge will also kill xuanmin as collateral, xx not recognising xuanmin, and xuanmin just. closing his eyes and accepting his death

(tqks) xuanmin using his last dying action to dig out his own bones and bury them under the mountains to free xue xian.

(tqks) xuanmin making his way over to the unconscious xue xian, kneeling in front of him (really falling lmao), and dying while never looking away from his face :)

(tqks) xx regaining his memories, remembering xuanmin, and looking up to see xuanmin laying dead in his arms. then feeling fear for the first time in his life. man. man. ok

(qqgk) “MY DEAR, IF I LEFT MYSELF BY YOUR EAR, WOULD YOU BE ABLE TO HEAR ME? MAY WE MEET AGAIN IN A WORLD WHERE THE SMOKE IS GONE” THIS QUOTE MAKES ME INSANE. IM INSANE. JESUS CHRIST

(qqgk) the recurring imagery of snow. the snow. its about. it’s about. The devotion. oh god

(hsav) xiao yuan trying to die like. 6 times for yan heqing. also xya being tortured to save yhq. and then him trying to kill himself earlier . and then him killing himself for real later to make life easier for yhq

(tgcf) just. everything honestly. the “i am god” scene. the getting demolished by a ridiculous amount of swords scene.

(wushuang) cui buqu in the maze trying to die for feng xiao

(wushuang) feng xiao in the maze trying to die for cui buqu

(zhongji lanyin) su qing almost dying under the cave-in

(zhongji lanyin) hu bugui protecting su qing from the thorns

(谁动了我的骨灰坛) jiang xichu seeing chen man kill herself and not being able to do anything about it. literally the only scene i care abt from that book i ate that shit up

okay typing this out made me realise there is a very noticeable theme here. well. i really like tragedy so honestly i don't know know what i expected from this. if i re-read all my favourite books i would probably be able to give you a list of scenes i loved that have legitimate literary importance, value, and beauty, but sadly i have the memory of a goldfish and cannot remember most plots unless im Actively Looking At Them. so instead here is a list of scenes that are all candidates for making me cry during my next visit to a Tractor's Supply. thank you sm for the ask im in love with you

#ask #anon

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aegialia · 3 years ago

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self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill.

for good:

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby.

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting.

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends.

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me.

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness.

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories.

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me.

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books

#gloomth and circumstance #this is definitely not required reading!#i just felt like rambling for a very long time about my feelings and my blog #w bonus blog trivia at the bottom that amuses me and probably no one else

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conservativetranny · 4 years ago

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2020 blog update

Hello. No idea if any of you ‘remember’ me but I do seem to have a fair few followers on here. I managed to access the login information for this account and it is safe to say this blog is dead. I denounce everything I stood for on this stupid shit.

I’m writing this because it’s what the blog deserves. Not looking to be dramatic, not looking for sympathy, in fact I think i’ll get a bit of backlash for this but bring it on.

The past and the present- a summary

I had this blog when I was 14, unfortunately way too young to have a social media presence (one which carried any responsibility like this one anyway). No matter what age I said I was, no matter how I portrayed myself or how you, my followers interpreted me, I was a sad young trans guy desperately hoping to look big, cool, masculine and stoic, and that manifested in the most toxic way possible.

I’m 17 now, still very very young, and after developments in my life, especially pursuing my medical transition and becoming happy within myself, I no longer hold such toxic beliefs as I once did. I am happier with myself and no longer feel the need to sacrifice others’ dignity, respect, and unfortunately sometimes on this blog, privacy, for my own. I was a very insecure, stubborn, and ignorant teenager, who dealt with a lot of denial. I’m not blaming the way I treated people online on other factors, but of course external factors came into play. I was dealing with bullying and insecurity, with parental problems, and with loneliness and depression. I seeked some sort of community, and I wanted to push myself away from the ‘weak’ trans community (the way I viewed it at the time). I wasn’t in denial personally, with the fact that I was trans (being gay is a different story- I was in complete denial with the fact that I’m gay), more just with the way other people viewed me (I will expand on this). I could elaborate on the way in which I viewed other people and the way that projected onto my conduction online, but it is a complex and confusing story. I have completely changed my viewpoint on trans ‘discourse’, I am open minded, I am close friends with people I would have turned my ignorant nose up at years ago. I am so proud to say that I am a completely different person now. I grow every day, it seems, and I can assure that I will never return to this ignorant mindset.

Growth

With experience, I have grown too. Obviously, from 14-17 i have become more mature. I have different experiences now as well, for example, I don’t bind often at all really anymore, because its more comfortable and can sometimes make me more dysphoric to know I am binding. I’m bringing this up because I bet you back when I was active on this blog, I would’ve laughed at the more mature, tolerant me, and probably went on a tyrade about how I was a fake trans guy or less of a man for not binding. I often wonder what ‘old me’ would think of ‘new me’. Now obviously, three years isn’t a hell of a big difference, but to a 17 come 18 year old it is. I understand I am not an adult yet, but I’ve always taken pride in conducting myself with a sense of maturity and articulacy, and for this post and platform especially I feel it is appropriate.

The Truscum Mindset

Back when I ran this blog, I was in an echo chamber of like minded people, which didn’t help my ideological development. I watched youtubers like Blaire White and Kalvin Garrah, who I thought gave me a balanced, moderate, and fair opinion which is clear is not the case. Back then I would’ve scoffed at the idea of Blaire and Kalvin and other similar people as being radical or a gateway, but I urge you, if you feel you are slipping to obsession with those ideologies, to seek to widen your opinions and associations. I understand it’s a fairly niche discourse topic, but for me it opened a wider rabbit hole into the alt right. From wanting to fit into the lgbt and wider communities as a masculine male, this opened up the black hole of the alt right, I browsed (now deleted) subreddits and 4chan boards, and forums that put me in a very negative and dangerous place. If you’d like me to make a post elaborating on this, I am more than happy to, but this post is to address conservativetranny.

Denial and owning up to responsibility

Back in 2017/18, I was very much in denial of certain aspects of myself, especially my sexuality. I am gay. I thought that this was, and especially as a trans guy, a demasculating quality. I still deal with those feelings sometimes, as a lot of young gay guys do, but thankfully it does not manifest itself as toxic as it once did. I just wanted to portray myself online as how I thought I wanted to be viewed-I didn’t want to be viewed like ‘any other trans guy’. I wanted to be different, but now I can appreciate individuality and I can also embrace being trans as well.

I used to think that having alt views was the coolest thing ever, which contributed to my slip into the alt right, something on which I’ll elaborate on in later posts. I am now an advocate for deradicalisation, and being rational, truly rational. I’m also an advocate for maturity and owning up to your mistakes.

I have hurt people, especially in my personal life, throughout my time as a stupid, thoughtless immature teenager and i am sorry, from the bottom of my heart, for that. I now respect the hell out of those people and unfortunately, but definitely rightfully so, they have lost their respect for me. I don’t blame them, because as I said, up until very recently I was a horrible, toxic person. With maturity, in the past half a year I have been able to own up to my mistakes and I am now taking responsibility for that. No excuses, because I was a shitty person. Of course there is a line between excuses and justification, and I hope those which are reading this can distinguish and appreciate this difference.

Self Hatred and Truscum

Back when I ran this blog, it was very easy to tell I was self hating. Everything I wrote on here, pretty much, was hateful except for the odd two posts that were about something unrelated to my ideology. I was extremely dysphoric and in a bad place when I wrote these things and certainly projected my insecurities onto others. I wanted to find a community of different thinking people that would accept me, and this community was certainly the wrong turn. I had a feeling that it was wrong at the time, but I was too naive and cowardly to own up to it and seek a way out. I kind of just naturally fell out of it, a a lot of things happened in my personal life in late 2018 that forced me out of trans discourse and into much more toxic places like the alt right and true crime fandoms, and I think I’ve only recently ‘found myself’ in the past year or so. I might make a post on self growth on the future as I intend to keep this blog to elaborate and voice my opinions on deradicalisation and highlight the importance of owning up and self awareness.

Don’t fall into the rabbithole

I’m not too acquainted with trans discourse anymore, so I’m out of the loop on this one, but I’d imagine that there’s still ‘transmed vs tucute’ ideas. Kalvin Garrah’s community comes to mind, I haven’t watched his videos ‘as a fan’, if that makes sense, for a while now but I am aware he has a large fanbase of young trans teens that were in a similar mindset to where I was back when I ran this blog. I would love for this post to reach his opposers and supporters for that matter, as a means to show them that they don’t have to fall into this cycle of hate which can be very damaging. I used to be an avid fan of Kalvin, and Blaire White, amongst others. I watched exclusively their content alone and formed my opinions around theirs. If you’re doing that now, I urge you to consider other people when you do. Think about the people like Brennan Beckwith, people who were severely impacted and hurt by hateful rhetoric. Those people are human too, and with maturity you will learn that people with different experiences and views are, at the end of the day, the same as you, and they have feelings as well .I’m going to make a post in the future about Kalvin Garrah, certainly, but maybe Blaire White as well.

Why now?

You may be wondering why this post is being made now of all times, and that is a question that has every right to be asked. I feel as if this timing is right because I finally possess the level of maturity needed to own up to my mistakes and tell you that I was wrong and it was certainly wrong to post those opinions and mistakes online for all to see, and put people in my real life on blast like I did.

I had completely forgotten about this blog, and forgot about the rude and ignorant words I had written towards the people in my real life, until chance had it that I was in contact with one of the people mentioned in this post. [https://conservativetranny.tumblr.com/post/169351517511/no-one-pretends-to-be-trans]

I’m not going to go into the nuances of the conversation we had, but it turns out they had, for a while and definitely rightfully so been hurt by the fact that I had mentioned them, by name, in this post. And while I’d of course still like to keep these people anonymous and will not sacrifice their anonymity in order to tell a story or ‘save myself’, this post is quite funny to read back on as I am good friends with the people referred to as ‘P’ and ‘Shadow’ now.

This is the end of this post, as I feel I have said everything I have wanted to say regarding my previous conduct on this blog. I’m going to change my name on this blog and my bio as I do intend on further posts in the future. I’m not sure how many people, if any, this post will reach, but I’m satisfied I have written this anyway. I certainly do plan on writing future posts but I’m not exactly sure how to formulate them. But thank you so much for reading this far, and if you have, I appreciate it.

#truscum #transmed #ftm #trans #dysphoria #kalvin garrah #kalvin garbage #terf #deradicalisation #i have literally no idea how to tag this #tucute #do people even say that anymore lol

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yeoldontknow · 3 years ago

Text

❧ check in tag

tagged by the sweetest angel @propinqxity to do this little tag. this is such a cute list of questions, and some of these i dont think ive been asked before. thank you so much for the tag and the tumblr crush mention lovely. you truly are a bright spot on this website and i mean that sincerely <333

going under a cut because im certain i will ramble ~

1. Why did you choose this url?

its sort of like a pun between yall dont know and the fact that, hopefully, sincerely, chanyeol does not in fact know that i run this blog lmao i changed to this after a long time of being bread-jinie and i wanted to rebrand. i will, however, do my best to never change URLs again because the masterlist switch over was a complete hassle

2. Any sideblogs? If you have them, name them and why you have them

i have a fic recs blog called @yeoldontknowiread. as to why i have it, i know it hasnt been updated in ages since ive been kind of on hiatus, but i think reading and sharing work on this platform is immensely important. i actually read quite a lot of fanfiction, and i try my best to share the things i read. im very very behind on recs at the moment cause i try my best to write something substantial for every recommendation i make. as a writer, i know exactly the kinds of thoughts and feedback on fics that make my heart soar so i try to put in the same energy to my recs. community is only fostered when there is reciprocation

3. How long have you been on Tumblr?

hmmm since april 2017. i actually had my 4 year anniversary this year and i did have plans for things but i got roped into real life things and couldnt celebrate the way i truly wanted to :(

4. Do you have a queue tag?

no but sometimes i think i should. i view tags as a library on top of my knee jerk response to things. most of my tags are just my initial thoughts or feelings at any given moment, so those take precedence over a specific queue tag

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

when i was getting into exo, i was reading fanfiction like crazy. i used to write fanfic quite a lot in other fandoms, but at that time i hadnt written anything in about 2.5 years. exo was the first re-introduction to that feeling of excitement and inspiration. after about 3 weeks of straight reading, i decided i wanted to write again. i wrote the prologue to hero in about two hours and tried logging into AO3 to post it. sadly i forgot all of my log in information because it had been years, and was getting frustrated. i really wanted to put it somewhere out of fear that id lose interest if i didnt do something with it, and everything id read had been on tumblr. so i made a tumblr just to put hero lmao i didnt have any mutuals. it was a blog with straight 0. i hadnt even created an account to interact with writers before that moment, i really thought id be a silent reader forever. but exo woke me back up and for that i am eternally grateful.

6. Why did you choose your icon?

the yours music video is...so stunning? like the colour theory throughout the whole thing is truly so inspiring and gorgeous. and this shot of chanyeol looking at the painting took my breath away, truly. tulips and the color of peach, like do you know how evocative that is? ugh

7. Why did you choose your header

my header was made by @jamaisjoons for my birthday this year because shes literally the most talented person when it comes to graphics. and this was so kind of her to do, i cried a lot

8. What's your post with the most notes?

uhm....either the body through time or truth i cant remember which but i checked recently and its one of those

9. How many mutuals do you have?

honestly at this point im not even sure. i know ive lost a bunch while i was on hiatus because i was basically a dead blog, and some people do dash cleanses. and im certain others have left, too, for their own reasons. still, i have a good core of friends though who are active and that is enough for me

10. How many followers do you have?

more than i probably deserve

11. How many people do you follow?

399

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

uhm i guess? there was a time when nng was not updated and every wednesday id post the days go by music video in sadness and grief but im not a big shitposter. if i make a text post its usually a life update or me crying about chanyeol, theres no inbetween lmao

13. How often do you use Tumblr every day?

tbh i havent used tumblr that often, not since march i think. i used to use it many times a day, checking in on friends and stuff, but once i started focusing on my phd applications i was only here sporadically. i didnt make an announcement either, just let my blog run on queue so i wasnt totally gone. i think i was checking in twice a week or maybe once every two weeks to refill my queue and check mentions etc. but now that my interviews are done im trying to get back on here daily to reconnect

14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? Who won?

ive had my share of disagreements with people and any details about those situations shall remain as they are meant to: private

15. How do you feel about "you need to reblog this" posts?

in what context? like, you need to reblog this or your wish wont come true? or like, please reblog this to spread the word/spread awareness, etc? in the case for the former, i scroll right by. in the case of the latter, if im around and see someone raising a go fund me or some major event is occurring and i find a post with good sources or charities i will reblog. mostly though, the full extent my activism isnt really on this blog. its my escape from reality. my activism is usually placed on other platforms.

16. Do you like tag games?

i doooo!!! theyre so fun i love learning about my friends

17. do you like ask games?

i love those too! theyre so cute and usually a nice way to have interaction immediacy with people in the community

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is Tumblr famous?

no one. can we please abandon this notion of fame on tumblr? arent we all here to write about some dick and some smut and some fluff and then hang out together and log off? lmao tumblr isnt reality and followers/fame is so arbitrary on this platform, no one has any control over any of it

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

i am in love with so many people here. let me name a few:

@yehet-me-up @kyungseokie @jenmyeons @j-pping @jamaisjoons @inkedtae @kookdiaries @yoonia @dulcetvk @kithtaehyung @imdifferentshadesofpurple @ditzymax @sugaurora @sahmbtsficrecs @junghelioseok @yeojaa @augustbutwinter @joonscore @btssavedmylifeblr @cutechim @sunshinekims @kimtaehyunq @ouvuo @delhyun @exo-stentialism @sooibian @softyoongiionly @jinseunie @zibermuda @bratkook @1kook @luffles424 @xjoonchildx

and so many other people and mutuals that i am certainly forgetting. love is such an expansive feeling, and it encompasses platonic ardor and creative desire. i admire every single person listed for so many different reasons, and cherish and treasure them or what they provide to the community. love is such an important and broad experience. truly, i hope they feel adored every single day x

#check in tag

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ganondoodle · 4 years ago

Note

I recently just found your art (im loving and drowning in all of it)

Wanted to ask have you ever thought about the seal in which demise was kept in durring SS. I been replaying it and kind of thinking about, well, if Hylia created the seal, she made that sealscape/spiritprison(?) a very peaceful environment. Calming clear skys reflected in still waters. This only changes once the battle w Demise starts (makes me think the space is just very reflective/responsive of prisoners mind/emotions)

Anyhow! If Hylia was the one to make the seal what do you think she had in mind, how she was feeling ? W ur ship art of them in mind, I kinda get mercy vibes despite what she'd eventually have to do to him, but not wanting to put him through anymore pain? A sad goodbye moment. A sort of final resting place, maybe this space was an origin point of their first encounter w one another and its a recreationof it? Id love to see your ideas/character feels interpretations. Also sorry if this was asked or talked about previously im v new here ;v;

that is a very interesting thought, and not far actually from my plan for “destiny”, im really glad people seem to enjoy my art, even when its shippy or not fanart at all :D tho i am not sure how to answer this since, well, its a bit difficult, even knowing how everything in the story will go, i cant decide really. is it an intentionally “nice” place for a prison ? is in reality much more of a torture having to be there all alone ? was he even conscious in it ? was his very being scattered into a thousand pieces within it ? was he even able to feel any pain ? or was he in constant pain trying to recollect himself ? how does one know what happens to someone that gets sealed ? it always seems like whenever someone is sealed, they come back more ful of anger and hatred ? in what kind of hell does one get send when they get sealed away ? it might seem silly thinking so much about a game and its lore but i cant help it, i always wonder what must have happened to make the villains a villain ? people arent born evil ... and i just cant accept the answer of someone just “being” evil without an explanation ?? well im writing a story about that. in some part at least, i know its taking me a long time but this fancomic has taken me a lot of thought and work already even if you haven seen much of it yet, i will both explore the relationship between hylia demise and others, but a big part will be demises origin, i really hope you guys are going to like it sinceim very invested into everything SO i am not sure how much you know so ill talk a bit about the end of “destiny”, so SPOILERS FOR DESTINY AHEAD: i had made a post about demises origin/backstory a while back, crudely summarized bc i just typed it out to remember it properly, im not sure if you have seen it but it shouldnt be too far back somewhere on my blog if you want to take a look, tho things will still change, its base will stay the same, im leaving out pretty the whole story, so maybe, i hope, you will still be interested in reading it once i get it all drawn out, or maybe not, im not the one to decide that .. ANYWAY at the end of it, hylia will be ordered one last time to finally do her duty and seal demise away, she will try to talk to her gods that there is another way to solve everything, but they will not listen. hylia then refuses to do as she was ordered, even tho demise had warned her not to do that and that she instead should just go and kill him; if hes dead he at least wont have to get to know whatever happens to someone that gets sealed, hed much prefer never finding out; but she is too determined to give up the thought of another possibillity and thus the gods have to take things into their own hands and take control over her, forcing her to watch as her body acts on their will and not hers anymore. there will be a brief moment where demise gets to free her of them, since in that last fight hes much less fighting for his own survival, which he knows is impossible, but for hylia not to die from being in the gods control for too long. besides, he very much wants to fight the gods themselves, but he wants to do that with only him involved and them, and not someone else; thus he regains his previous, pure form from back when he was just like her, only for a short moment tho and in the end he will be sealed away by the gods acting through hylia. while she dies after the deed is done, hes sealed away yes, but although shattered, not quite dead yet, and his hatred towards the gods will burn much stronger now than it ever had before, not just because of what they did to him and his world but to her now as well.

WELL THEN that was alot and probably not even a glimpse as interesting as i hope it will be in the finished comic, with all the context in all regards. i apologize for the length of this, and this possibly unwated and uninteresting spoiler part about this damn story that i cant get out of my head anymore. (also for .. the typos .. im writing this at 1am and it took me like an hour bc i just didnt know how to write it out) sorry, i just care alot about this.... too much probablyヾ(*′○`)ﾟ.+:｡ﾟ☆

#ganondoodles answers #i cant get my thoughts in order today sorry #i probably said alot of things that are pretty weird as a response #forgive me ;__;

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horansqueen · 4 years ago

Text

You & Me : chapter 43

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34|| CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39 || CHAPTER 40 || CHAPTER 41 || CHAPTER 42

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his -4.5k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

READ AM CONVERSATIONS AGAIN ON WATTPAD HERE

- notes: wow, it took a while didnt it? i have a hard time writing this story for a few specific reasons and thats why it takes me longer. i also need to plan the ending of this and its not easy because im scared to forget something. but i hope you enjoy this chapter! thanks so much for still reading this story!!!

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : its late and i hope i dont forget any! i didnt add everything from the 2nd request in my chapter tho. i also promise more requests in the next chapter! its all planned so thank you!

TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHARACTERS HERE

Chapter 43 : His chapter

NIALL

June 25th, 2018

"Okay, move slightly on the right." I heard her, doing what she told me cautiously. "Now watch out, there's a step."

"Big or small?"

"Uhm, medium" she replied after thinking about it.

"Gee Liv, thanks!" I replied sarcastically before I carefully tried to put my foot on the step.

She guided me with difficulty until the car and I packed her last few boxes in the trunk. We sat in the car and I started it, feeling her gaze on me but I tried to ignore it until I felt her hand on my thigh. I suddenly relaxed and my eyes met hers for half a second before going back on the road.

"You should have let me help you." she pointed out with a soft voice. "I can carry more than one box, you know."

The left corner of my lips raised gently and I glanced at her again before stopping at a red light and turning my head completely her way. Her eyebrows raised and I sent her a small smile, shaking my head.

"I want you to let me take care of you." I admitted, bending closer to press my lips gently against hers in a quick kiss. "Besides, an old lady like you shouldn't carry heavy things."

With a chuckle, she slapped my arm gently as I started laughing and started driving again. It was already mid june and we had been working on her moving in with me for about a week. Most things were actually bought by Louis so all the furniture stayed there but it took us a while to pack all her stuff and bring the boxes to my house. I mean, our house.

"I'm only two years older than you!" she argued, making me laugh even more. "Do I have to call you 'kiddo'?"

"Please, I'm a man." I let out with a frown, half-joking. "You know it, you've seen me naked."

"Oh how my life has changed since then." she replied wih a chuckle, making me smile too.

We brought her stuff to our room and started unpacking together after I put music on. It invaded the house so loudly that the neighbours probably heard since we had opened the windows. It was a warm saturday afternoon and I still had a little bit more than a week off. I knew we were going to miss each other since I was about to leave for three months (even if i was going to be back here at some point in august for a few concerts) but we didn't talk about it much, as if it would make things worst.

I kept glancing at her from time to time as I was putting her stuff in my closet and my lips curled when I noticed she was dancing while putting her clothes in her dresser. It was nothing new. She had always been like that but somehow, at this exact moment, it made me realize how perfect this moment was. Loud music, finally sharing a house with the woman I loved, watching my girlfriend dance and sing happily close to me with a promise ring hidden in my underwear drawer. That whole scenario happening right in front of me felt like the accomplishment of something very very important and even if I couldn't define exactly what, I tried to remember this in my brain like the movie of a memory I wanted to watch over and over again until i'd be on my death bed. The smallest details seemed important and when she moved a lock of hair that had stuck on her lips behind her ear, I held my breath. Could I write a song about this?

She turned around and our eyes met and suddenly, her lips curled into a fond smile. I loved when she looked at me like that. I was used to it, because she's looked at me like that for as long as I could remember, but it's only now, the second time we're dating, that I realized what it meant and how important it was.

"Are you gonna help me or are you just going to stare at me while I do all the work?"

I chuckled and rolled my eyes before shaking my head and grabbing an other box. It was heavy and when I opened it, I saw a bunch of books, the first one on the top being the one she was reading at the moment. I knew because sometimes we'd just sit together in the living room in silence. She'd read and sometimes i would too, or id end up writing, or playing guitar. Just being in the same room was enough sometimes and I liked it. I grabbed the book and turned it around to read the summary but something else caught my attention and I frowned. Something was sticking out of the book and I pulled on it slightly only to see my face and hers on a few pictures. It came from the photobooth and if my memory served me right, it was from the first time we dated. I pulled on it more to see all the pictures and finally just opened the book so she wouldn't lose her page and let my eyes roam on the older pictures of us. I remembered how I felt, but I was well aware it was not comparable to the feelings I had now.

"Can't believe you kept this."

My eyes didn't move from the pictures but I felt her stop moving and finally get closer to me. I sat on my bed and I felt her sit next to me in silence until I finally looked up in her eyes.

"You have no idea of all the things I kept." she admitted and I could swear her cheeks turned a soft shade of pink. "I kept a lot of souvenirs of you, Niall."

My smile curled a bit and she chuckled. "Really?"

"Oh don't look at me like that, it's not like I built a shrine for you or anything." she just rolled her eyes. "But your friendship and your love... yea, it's important for me."

I ran my thumb gently on the pictures for a few more minutes and finally put them back in the book before closing it. I stared at it until Liv grabbed my hand and I squeezed her fingers, looking up at her and sending her a smile.

"You know we need to christen the rooms." This time, she let out a loud laughter and it made my lips curl. "It's true!"

"It only applies to new places, Niall!" she laughed more. "We've already had sex pretty much in all the rooms of this house, and that says a lot!"

"Are you sure?" I asked, raising my eyebrows before she nodded. "All the bathrooms? Bedrooms?" She nodded again and I raised my nose up with a low groan, making her laugh again. "There must be somewhere we didn't fuck!"

"On the dryer."

"What?" I frowned.

"We never fucked on your dryer." she repeated with an amused smile, her head tilted. "We fucked in the showers, kitchen's table, kitchen's counter, on the couch, on the floor of the living room, in all the beds, on all the bedroom floors, in the music room and against that piano.. One time you even grabbed me when I got out of the shower to fuck me against the wall in the hall."

The left corner of my lips curled as the memory came back to my head and I raised my eyebrows. "Oh yea, I remember."

"But I don't remember fucking on the dryer."

My eyes roamed on her and I licked my lips. "We can do that now."

"Join me in 5 minutes?"

I raised my eyebrows in surprise when she suddenly got up and left. My fingers gripped the book in my hands tighter and I finally put it on the bed before turning my eyes to the alarm clock on the bedside table. It was the longest 5 minutes of my life and if I wanted to be honest, I only waited 3 and a half anyway.

I heard the dryer's noise and frowned a bit when I realized she had started it and when I got there, she was sitting on it and I noticed the matching black and silk panties and bra she was wearing. Her legs were hanging down the dryer and she was holding herself with her hands slightly behind her body, her dark hair falling near her back, and I stopped as soon as our eyes met.

"When did you put this on?"

"I wore them all day." she admitted with a smirk before chuckling when my face changed. "I mean, I wanted to show you but we were sort of busy."

I took a few steps closer slowly and put my palms on her thighs, sliding my hands up very slowly on her soft skin.

"Spread your legs, petal." I whispered as she bit her bottom lip but did as I asked.

"I wasn't sure if it actually looked good on me." she admitted low and I shook my head quickly.

"Oh shut up, darling, this makes me so fucking hard." To prove my point, I turned my hips a bit and pressed my hard cock through my pants against her naked thigh. "See?"

I ran my hands up to her breasts, touching them before slipping one of my hands under it to run the tip of two of my fingers on her nipple. "I'm so torn right now. I want to rip it off of you, but watching them on you is so fucking hot."

"Just move my panties aside and fuck me."

Her eyes seemed to sparkle but her expression was needy and I just licked my lips, bringing my hands down to my jeans and unzipping them as I kept staring at her.

"Such a needy little slut." I let out in a low tone. "Tell me how bad you want my cock. Beg me."

Her eyes never leaving mine, she brought her feet on the dryer, exposing her panties even more to me and slowly, I took my cock out and started stroking it. I could feel the dryer getting warmer and the way she seemed to shake over it made me want her even more.

"Fuck, Niall, I want you so bad. I need you deep inside me." she whimpered and licked her lips. "Please, Niall, I need your cock, please i'm begging you, fuck me."

I jerked off harder, making sure the tip of my dick rubbed against her pussy over her panties, and she whimpered and bit her bottom lip harder.

"Move your panties, pet. Show me your pretty little cunt."

She did as I asked and my eyes dropped between her legs as I moved even closer, close enough for the tip of my cock to push inside her. I groaned low and she let out a short whimper as I felt her throb around me.

"Deeper." she breathed out. "Fill me."

Quickly, I pushed myself inside her until I was balls deep and she let out a moan, her head falling back slightly and her eyes fluttering.

"Like this petal? How does my cock feel?"

She squirmed slightly and with difficulty but I watched her shake glancing a few times down to watch her grind despite herself on my dick. The feeling was amazing and I groaned louder when I felt her clench around me.

"So good, so fucking good." she whimpered again.

"You're so fucking wet and horny I just want to watch you fuck yourself on my cock until you cum all over it, baby girl." I let out without thinking. "How about you do that?"

I moved as close as I could and she ground on me for a few minutes. I loved the way she moved, all her facial expressions and the way her moans sounded but after a while, I couldn't take it anymore and grabbed her waist, my fingers sinking in her skin as I pulled her against me in motion with my thrusts.

"Fuck, i'm gonna cum." I just said still going hard.

I didn't know if it was because of my words or if she had been holding it for a while but she started shaking even harder against me as she came, my name escaping her lips in incredible moans and bringing me to my own orgasm. I shut my eyes tight, pushing myself so hard against her to make sure I went as deep as I could, and when I got down from my high, I leaned my forehead against hers, eyes still closed, as we both panted with parted lips.

"This is so much better." I whispered, moving a bit to reach her lips with mine.

"Better than what?" she asked in a breath as I kissed her gently again.

"Better than anything. Better than anyone." I confessed. "Better than sex without feelings."

It took her about a minute to talk but her words made me open my eyes suddenly.

"Are you in love with me, Niall?"

I pulled away to look in her eyes and frowned for a few seconds before shaking my head. I knew she was probably asking me simply because she wanted to hear it but I couldn't help but fear that she doubted it.

"Yes. I am in love with you, Olivia." I affirmed. "It will never change. I'll always be in love with you, for as long as I live, and maybe even after."

---

June 29th, 2018

I was a bit sad she had insisted on inviting Louis and Eleanor on her birthday but I went along with it because it was her day and I loved her. She also had asked for nothing big, just a movie and games night with our friends, and somehow, I was down with that. Normally, I'd want to celebrate in a bar with many more friends but we were about to be separated for a while and I was not in the mood to celebrate that. I was just grateful I could spend her birth day with her.

"Okay, Liv, you sit next to me. Your boyfriend can sit next to El." I heard Louis say as I walked back in the living room with two bowls of popcorn.

"Excuse me? I pretty much intend on watching this movie cuddling my girlfriend, thank you very much!" I argued with a frown as I stood in the middle of the living room.

"If we do that we'll just spend an hour and a half making out!" Louis explained with round eyes. "At least you two will! You're both horny animals!"

"It's not like we were gonna fuck in front of you." I pointed out, rolling my eyes before sitting next to Eleanor who just laughed.

"Don't be a jealous boyfriend, Niall. Liv was my roommate before being your girlfriend again and I'm very sad that I can't wake her up by literally jumping in her bed at 6 in the morning anymore!" he joked with a chuckle before turning to my girlfriend. "Bet you miss it too!"

"6 in the morning?" I repeated with a frown again. "You never wake up so early."

"He did when he had meetings for his album." Olivia pointed out. "As you already know, 'pain in the ass' is in his DNA."

I laughed and she did too but the way she looked at me made me smile. Louis placed his arm on the back of the couch, near her shoulders, and I groaned low at sight. It's not that I wanted to read too much into this, but it was bothering me a lot and it was tough to hide. I was not the type to be jealous and I knew Olivia loved me, but every time I saw them near each other, I couldn't help but remember that they fucked multiple times and that nothing could ever erase that.

What took me out of my thoughts was something hitting my nose and the sweet laughter of my girlfriend. I shook my head slightly and sent her a smile as she sent me more popcorn and I grabbed some from my own bowl before throwing it at her, too. She laughed louder and we kept on throwing popcorn at each other until Louis groaned and stopped the movie. It was crazy how easily Louis could make himself home. He was using my remote for my tv, was sitting on my favorite spot on the couch, cuddling with my girlfriend.

"Fine! Fine I get it!" Louis gave in, raising his hand up in defeat. "You guys can't stay too far away from each other for too long. It's sad but it is what it is!"

He practically jumped off the couch and walked up to me. After a quick head movement, I sent him a smile and got up to. I let myself fall next to Liv and immediately, she cuddled my side like a magnet, making me smile more. I had no idea why I was insecure when it came to Louis, but she proved over and over again that I had no reason to be. I wrapped my arm around her to pull her closer and we finished the movie before grabbing a few beers and talking. It was almost 3 in the morning when Louis and El left and I watched as Liv got up, yawned and stretched.

"I'm so tired, let's go to bed, yea?"

"We really should clean first." I pointed out, grabbing a few bottles.

I was about to bring them to the kitchen but she stopped me with a grimace and a groan. "Niall, we need to sleep. Come onnnn, we can do that tomorrow."

I stared at her and sighed, not really sure I liked the idea but I finally nodded and followed her to the room as she held my hand and pulled me with her. We fell asleep quickly but she did before me and for some reason, I enjoyed watching her snore lightly, her lips parted, as I held her close to me. These days, we fell asleep holding each other face to face and it was very different from our usual spooning. Still, I liked it but when I woke up, she was on the other side of the bed, her legs were over mine, and I smiled at how much she had moved.

I got up, put sweatpants on and made coffee before drinking a cup as I looked at the mess in the living room and the kitchen. She joined me about half an hour later, entering the kitchen as she yawned. It made me chuckle but I liked the mess of her hair and her lazy smile. I wanted that every single morning of my life.

"Slept well?"

"Yes but not enough." she just shrugged with an other yawn.

I poured her coffee in her favorite mug and we both drank in silence, leaned against the counter. After I was done, I put my cup in the sink and without turning back to look at her, I sighed.

"We need to clean now."

"Mm, I just woke up. We can do that later in the afternoon." she just shrugged.

"Liv, we need to clean now. That's what happens when we postpone these kind of things. It'll never be fun but doing it now means we can do something else after."

She stared at me a few seconds and sighed, letting her head fall back on her shoulders. I didn't want to argue with her, and I knew how messy she was, but she also knew I was the opposite and that leaving everything as is the night before had been annoying to me.

"Well I don't want to do it now."

I didn't expect that answer and took a step back as my eyebrows raised.

"Why are you being like that?"

"Why are you being like that?" she repeated. "This can wait! I can't believe we're arguing over that!"

"Olivia, please! We left this mess last night and we need to clean!"

"You knew how i was before I started living here, it's nothing new!" she let out a bit roughly.

"And you know how I was too!" I argued before she brought her hands to her face and sighed. "You need to make efforts, okay? I am!"

My voice was a bit too loud and I knew it but I was getting pissed. I couldn't believe we were arguing over something like that. After all we had been through, I didn't want to accept that something so silly could be what would end us.

"I just... I need a shower."

I left without waiting for her answer and stayed a bit too long under the hot stream but when I got out of the bathroom with clean clothes, my lips curled at the sight. She had cleaned a good part of the living room and was now working on filling the dishwasher. I walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her waist from behind, leaning my chin on her shoulder.

"Thank you." I whispered, leaving a few kisses on her neck and she finally turned in my arms to look in my eyes.

"I'm sorry."she sighed and licked her lips. "I'll make efforts, I promise."

We finished cleaning and ended up sitting at the table with an other cup of coffee and eggs. The problem was, I couldn't stop thinking that I was leaving in a few days and it bothered me. I wanted us to discuss it but at the same time, I was not sure she wanted to talk about it. I knew that she thought mentioning things out loud made them more real or concrete but ignoring them and pretending the problems weren't there wouldn't make them disappear.

"It's gonna be tough, you know. We'll be away from each other for quite a while."

It took her a few seconds to answer as she seemed focused on her coffee but after a while, she breathed in and sighed.

"I know it won't be easy, Niall, but I also know that it will never be as hard as it was without you for a whole year. So yea, I think we can get through this and come out stronger." she said in a calm way before looking up in my eyes. "I hate being away from you but that won't change my love for you, not even just a little."

I reached for her hand on the table and squeezed her fingers before sending her a small smile. "It won't change mine either. And you're right, that year without you was the worse I've ever been through."

"It's... different." she told cautiously, looking up at me and noticing my questioning look. "You spent that year without me because you decided it, it was your choice. You did it for a reason and you wanted to be alone to live things you clearly thought you couldn't live with me. But me... I suffered through it. You broke up with me, broke my heart... I lost my best friend and the love of my life at the same time, you know? We didn't live that year the same way."

I felt my heart thump hard in my chest and I just nodded very slightly, as we stared at each other.

"You know, Niall... you left me with nothing." she said and I could swear I heard her voice crack. "I tried to find someone else, to find what I was missing from someone else, but I never really found it because what I was missing was you." Once again, she breathed in and sighed. "I know it's not easy but maybe you should try to put yourself in my shoes and... try to understand how I feel, you know? How I felt all those months."

I remembered that she told me it was tough for her but I never really understood how hard it had been until I found out she had literally tried to kill herself. Still, I felt like I couldn't really know the feeling and never would be able to. I remained silent as her words kept running in my head and finally held my breath. I couldn't believe I was thinking about writing a song in such a deep moment but I was and I just shook my head.

"You're right, Liv." I admitted, reaching for her other hand and squeezing both of them tight. "I'll try to understand how you felt in that year we were apart, after I broke you. It's hard to imagine but, I know I've hurt you more than I ever hurt anyone else, and I'll listen to everything you have to say about it."

She sent me a fond smile and nodded. "I can't really put it in the past." she added low. "Not because I don't want to, but because I feel like it's part of our story. I thought I knew who you were, I thought you'd never leave. I mean, we've known each other for decades... I thought you would never break my heart. But it was hard to accept, you know? That I didn't know you as well as I thought I did. I felt like... you ripped my heart out. Like you stole something from me that I could never get back without really knowing what it was. And I wanted it back. The worst was.. I still wanted to be with you. If you had came back I would have said yes in a heartbeat. I was always thinking of you, no matter who I was with, and yes, it includes Louis."

I stared at her, blinking a few times but still remained silent. I didn't want to let go of her hands and I also didn't want to talk. I thought it was just time to listen.

"I just... I went in bars and clubs to change my mind, I tried to date other people, I tried to drink my pain away... I just wanted to get over you and nothing worked, because I had nothing left." She paused again and shrugged. "I learned that making you the center of my life was not a good idea but it was something I was used to, I did it since I was a kid. Now I don't want to do things for you, Niall. I want to do things for us, and I want you to do the same. It's a team work. I mean, it's us against the world, right? That's what we said?"

I sent her a bigger smile and nodded. "It is. You and me."

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