#then came the heart issues like I swear I genuinely in all ways you look at it I COULDNT speak at all

[kavehater]

THIS IS SO HUMBLING FR CAUSE the only ppl who did reach out were Hal dahlia and meto (out of the billions of ppl ik)

[kitkatscabinet]

All I want for Christmas

For my lovely wife @juvenillia as a part of the secret Santa exchange. I'm sorry it took so long love

Simon Riley x f! reader

Summary: Your holiday plans are thwarted when the task force is abruptly called away for a mission.

Word count: 3.2k

A/N: reader celebrates Christmas.

You’d always been ambivalent towards the holidays, especially the christmas season. The wonder that had illuminated your childhood at the lights, the decorated trees and the general spirit people exuded had long since faded. While you didn’t hate the holiday season, it was hard to muster up the same level of excitement and magic that children seemed to naturally conjure. 

When it came down to it, you supposed the issue in truth was your family, or rather the lack thereof, most of the remaining members of your jagged family being low, to no contact completely. Atleast, that was the case until your old lieutenant, John Price, had dragged you into his new off the books task force. Sergeants Kyle Garrick and John Mactavish were hard people to hate, not that you’d tried, and both had very quickly wormed their way into your heart through the high stress situations you’d endured together over the years. 

Though given the way Soap had seemingly latched on with both hands and refused to let you go, dragging you to his concernigly empty home in Scotland to spend the holidays together a few years back let you know that he was likely just as lonely. Kyle had hosted the next, Captain Price had been bullied into opening his apartment for the third, and then when it became apparent this would be a 141 tradition, surprisingly Laswell and her wife had welcomed you all with open arms into their home. 

It was through your team, your family, that you started to once again regain that childlike wonder for the holidays. Even Simon, grinch that he seemed to be was always present, glass of Eggnog in his hand as he watched his teammates engage in childlike behaviour from the corner. Soap had tried to pester the large man into wearing the matching pajamas that you, Kyle and him all now proudly wore but that was apparently a step too far. 

You weren’t fooled by his nonchalant persona though, not when you could still so clearly picture the shock and vulnerability that had settled over his pretty unmasked face the first time you’d handed him a full stocking decorated painstakingly with his name in silver thread. The stockings you’d made for your team were incredibly shoddy, a labour of love not skill. Yet even two years later, frayed and chunky, they were still in use. Johnny had been genuinely aghast when you’d tried to take them back, to buy them new, better quality ones. 

With the way your eyes seemed to naturally gravitate towards Simon it would have been impossible not to notice the way he had flinched slightly at your suggestion, hands protectively clutching his stocking. Nor could it escape your notice that every year as the stocking frayed more and more, Simon’s still seemed to be in immaculate shape. Somedays you could swear it seemed to be better off than when you’d first gifted it, though that was probably wishful thinking.  

Your fifth Christmas with the team was rapidly approaching, a fact Johnny wouldnt let you forget, practically vibrating out of his skin at the exciting prospect of celebrating Christmas at your place. As you and Simon were the only remaining members who hadn’t hosted the onus had fallen on you even if you hadn’t volunteered. It seemed the entire squad had silently assumed it would be you, not the paranoidly private Simon, yourself included. 

The apartment you lived in was small but comfortable, and with two weeks until Christmas it was already decked out with lights, tinsel and a small tree covered in garish ornaments. You’d received some odd looks from people in the shopping centre but you were too excited to care. Presents had been bought, multiple for each of your teammates in fact when you kept finding better gifts. Or rather, you’d gathered an assortment of gifts for everyone but Simon. Nothing seemed to quite fit. Sure, there had been a few bits and bobs that you could have settled for, but in your mind nothing had been good enough for him, his gift needed to be perfect. An announcement that the centre was closing ringing through the stores PA system had you dejectedly walking back to your car, the determined promise of tomorrow for sure ringing through your mind. 

Tomorrow is thwarted when the phone you keep in the bedside drawer rings urgently at 3am, rousing you from the light slumber that was characteristic of all your nights sleep. It only takes a few minutes for the gorgginess to exit your system as Price’s grim voice filters through the speaker as you roll out of bed with a less than professional whine. Couldn’t the terrorists or whoever have waited until after the holiday season? Until March even?

Johnny’s just as pouty as you and though the two of you form a coalition to turn your best puppy dog eyes on Price to try and convince him to pawn whatever bullshit mission you’ve been called on to another squad, the captain apparently doesn’t find the act cute enough. Simon jokes that Soap’s ugly mug probably hindered more than anything and thus you were stuck between the two as a sacrificial lamb before things escalated. 

Between the early wake up call and the prospect of being called out so close to Christmas tensions were running a little high. The lack of decent intel further fraying the nerves of everyone bar the ever unflappable Ghost who sat rigid and alert as ever even when you slumped down in the seat next to him on the helo. You’d barely been given a few hours to prep before you were already getting shipped off to Chechnya where the team was then tasked with entering the country very illegally and covertly. In otherwords the whole thing was a shit show and a half and it was felt through the silent tension that thrummed in the air. 

Simon’s large muscled frame pressed lightly against your side, something you were increasingly aware of as the flight droned on. Heat emanating from his body and sinking into your skin. Pressed so closely, you could smell him before he was marred by sweat, dirt and blood, a rarity. He didn’t wear a nice cologne, smelling like simple soap and washing detergent, but it was nice nonetheless. It was nice because it was just so Simon. 

Exhausted already both physically and mentally, you quickly fall asleep to the lull of the whirring blades and warm pillow of muscle sitting to your left, head lolling to slump against his arm. Lost in your slumber as you are, you completely miss the way he tenses minutely at the sensation before quickly relaxing, shuffling just a little to ensure your maximum comfort. He spends far too long staring at your sleeping face, warm eyes committing every little detail to memory. It’s not until he reluctantly tears his gaze away from your peaceful visage that he sees Captain Price’s amused look, brow raised pointedly as he stares at his two subordinates. Not for the first time in his life Simon is thankful for the mask, leaving none of the pink blush marring his skin visible. 

The mission goes totally fubar almost immediately, because of course it does, the whole thing was fucked from the start. Somewhere in the back of the alarms whirring in your mind as you ran through the dense woodlands you recognise that maybe Kyle’s theory of foul play wasn’t so farfetched. 

Price is barking something over the gunfire that you don’t hear over the chaos and deafening ringing  in your ears, Johnny’s swearing over the comms as he switches between sniping and hightailing it down from overwatch to the exfil location. You’re half dragging, half carrying Kyle along as he mumbles deliriously, head slumped into the crook of your neck and left leg hanging nearly limply as you both blindly stumble. 

You’re fucked. You and Kyle are so unbelievably fucked it’s a little funny, and if it weren’t for the fact your lungs were burning and working overtime to expand and provide you with desperately needed oxygen you’d probably be laughing. 

You’re fucked. You’re probably going to die. You and Kyle, who’s useless without you, who’s relying on you to get him to safety. That’s the part that stings the most, that causes your lower lip to wobble traitorously and tears of panic to build in your lashline. Not the fact that you’ll die, forgotten and buried in a cover up orchestrated by your government, but the fact that you’ll take Kyle with you. Sweet, loyal, driven Kyle who wormed his way into your life and into your damn heart. Your confidante. The only person who knew how you really felt about… Simon. 

Simon Riley. The goddamned smug, cocky, bastard that had taken it a step further than the rest of your teammates when he smashed his way into your life. The man you eventually came to realise was nothing like the fear tinged rumours. Sure, the Ghost was scary and more than a little rough around the edges but Simon was kind, generous, gentle, funny, and looking back on it you suppose you’d been doomed from the start. 

You were going to die and he was all you could think about. Where was he? Was he hurt? Was he safe? What if he didn’t make it out? Would he die alone, bleeding out in the snow, not knowing that you loved him?

Moving on a cocktail of adrenaline, muscle memory and desperation you finally burst out of the treeline and towards the road where the exfil vehicles were already roaring to life. A quick head count has you sagging in relief despite the situation. Johnny. Price. Simon. They’re all waiting for you and Kyle, and though it’s impossible to gauge any injuries just yet, it seems that you and Kyle are the worst off by far. 

The relief abruptly leaves your body with a yelp as you take one step down the small hill towards the road only to immediately trip, legs giving way as you and subsequently Kyle fall forwards and tumble down through the slush. Between one blink and the next the shouting starts up again and you’re ceremoniously pulled up from the ground and tugged into a vehicle in a mess of confusion and limbs. 

When your vision finally focuses it’s to the sight of brown eyes crinkled with more concern than you’d ever seen surrounded by a signature skull mask. Trying to sit up, the world tilts precariously once more as a large hand pushes your sternum back down against the seats and a gravelly accent barks something at you. Any other time you’d be elated at the touch but right now you couldn’t even begin to think to appreciate it.

Simon’s yelling something that sounds vaguely like your name, as if trying to get your attention between whatever he’s screaming at who’s driving. Your head lolls to the side in an attempt to better gauge your surroundings but the movement does nothing but send your vision spinning, a sudden sharp burning pain radiating from near your collarbone. Clumsily one of your hands attempts to clutch the aching site, attempting to locate the problem. You end up missing in spectacular fashion, blinking in confusion at your sudden lack of motor skills until there’s a hand on your chin, tilting your face back up to look into uncharacteristically alarmed eyes. 

Simon’s other hand pushes down on your shoulder harshly and pain anew lights your nerves on fire as you scream, tears streaming down your cheeks as you thrash. All you achieve is further agitating your injuries and expending the very little adrenaline fuelled energy you still had. 

“-me. Look at me!” Your hearing suddenly kicks back just in time to hear the tinge of desperation in the Lieutenant’s voice, the black spots in your vision clearing just a little to allow you one last look into Simon’s eyes. Even when they’re wide with terror you can’t help but think how pretty his eyes are, the sentiment might even slip past your tingling lips though you can’t be sure as you abruptly lose the battle and your body shuts down into unconsciousness.  

It’s a steady, consistent beeping that your mind registers first, before your eyelids that feel like they’re weighed down with glue even open. Your lack of vision quickly becomes second on the list of priorities when you try to breathe, only to find yourself gagging and choking on an obtrusion in your throat. You struggle blindly for what feels like an eternity, panic mounting as you fight for oxygen and to get your leaden, useless limbs to cooperate. 

Suddenly hands are grabbing at you, firm voice speaking over the now rapid beeping of what’s probably the heart monitor. Your eyes burst open at the same instant the trachael tube is pulled out, leaving you to gasp and cough for air as a warm hand cups your cheek tenderly whilst helping you sit up. It takes a few more seconds for the blur in your vision to completely clear but when it does it’s to the visage of Simon’s soft brown eyes once again. 

He’s not wearing his mask, giving you the perfect view of his deep purple eye bags and greasy, dishevelled hair. “You look like shit,” your voice is a croaky rasp, throat like sandpaper and Simon’s handing you a styrofoam cup of water before you can even ask. You take small sips of the cool liquid, savouring the soothing nature. 

“Pot meet kettle” he grunted, slumping down into the far too small chair that had been pulled to your bedside. You watch in appreciate silence as he brings one arm up to rub the back of his neck, the muscles in his biceps flexing beneath the sleeve of his shirt. Though after a few more seconds of observation the corners of your lips dip into a frown, he seemed far too used to the room, almost as if he was used to it. Had he been watching over you? Waiting for you to wake up?

You don’t comment on it though, a sudden panic smacking you square in the chest as you sit up instinctively once more, ignoring the pain that shoots up the left side of your body once more as you suddenly remember, “Oh god Kyle-” 

“Garrick’s fine, already discharged. We’ve just been waiting for you to get your lazy ass up sleeping beauty.” You hate the way your traitorous heart skips a beat at his words, the monitor betraying your emotions and given the way Simon smirks at you it’s clear he noticed. 

Though the embarrassment is quickly flushed away by a second round of panic, “wait, what’s the date today? What happened? How long have I been out?” the questions fly out rapid fire. He answers all your questions calmly and with patience, not at all angry. You’d been shot, which certainly explained the fierce ache in your chest and arm even through whatever drugs they’d doped you up on. That made sense you supposed, but it was hardly as alarming as when the date registered in your mind. 

“Wait it’s the 26th?” devastation coloured your tone, “I missed Christmas?” It was such a silly, trivial thing to get upset over. You’d almost died, but that was nothing in the face of missing getting to celebrate with your team. Your lower lip starts to wobble dangerously before you can stop it as Simon’s eyes widen in alarm, standing so quickly the chair falls over with a clang that gets ignored as he hovers anxiously, taking your clenched hands in his own and rubbing calming circles over your pulse point in your wrist. 

“It’s ok lass, nobody’s upest with you. We’ll celebrate when you get discharged yeah?” Looking back on the memory you’ll laugh, but right now you’re too emotional to react logically. 

“S’not just that, I didn’t have time to get you a present! Everything was s’posed to be perfect and now it’s all ruined” you exclaim. The two of you must make quite the sight from an outsiders perspective, a near hysterical woman more upset over the prospect of missing Christmas than the fact she’d been shot and a hulking man in black hovering somehwat frantically in an attempt to soothe. 

“You waking up is the best present I could’ve asked for darlin’” he finally murmurs, so quietly that you almost don’t hear. His long, calloused fingers entwined with yours as he sat on the edge of the mattress, having finally disengaged the finnicky railing. 

“That doesn’t count” you weakly protest, once again cursing the heart monitor for giving away your internal struggle, “‘sides, Johnny and Kyle got three things.” Some of the humour has returned to the situation for Simon, and your pout only deepens when he smirks at you. 

“Did they now? You playing favourites?” You know he’s teasing but you still can’t help but squawk of indignation. “You’ll have to make it up to me,” he continues on, completely unphased even as you smack him on the arm like a child throwing a temper tantrum, “How bout a kiss? That should be enough yeah?” The heart monitor blares like thunder in the background in a way you’ll know will probably alarm the nurses but you can’t think about that. Can’t think about anything other than Simon. The baritone lilt of his voice that had trailed off as he dipped his head towards you, leaving enough of a gap for you to pull away if you wanted though the warmth of his breath still fans across your face. 

His lips are rough, chapped and the scruff of his unshaven face is uncomfortable against your skin but the kiss is perfect nonetheless. Even with the blaring monitor and the burning fire that consumes the left side of your body in agitation from your sudden movement you don’t pull back just yet. Both hands cupping his cheeks reverently as you all but threw yourself at him. Despite the pain and slight embarrassment, it’s perfect. 

When your lips part neither of you pull away, and Simon rests his forehead against your own as you hum contentedly, the both of you leaning desperately into each other’s touch. It’s not until you hear a whooping holler and a series of whistles that you both startle and jerk away from each other in alarm. Kyle’s clapping and jeering alongside Soap whilst your captain simply sighs in exasperation at the scene, though there’s amusement detectable in his smile. 

“And here I was thinking ye’d need this” Johnny grinned mischievoulsy, waving around what you quickly realise is a bushel of mistletoe, causing you to roll your eyes at his theatrics as Simon huffed. 

“Just cause you need an excuse to get kisses doen’t mean I do Johnny” Simon quips and it’s your turn to laugh at the blatant offense that covers the Scotsmans face. The four of you are then promptly made subject to unintelligible Scottish blathering as Simon presumably gets cussed out. Your laughter is briefly interrupted when you feel fingers entwine with yours and you briefly shoot Simon a look from the corner of your eye before you squeeze his hand, face beaming as you turn back to look at Soap. 

It may have been a day late, but as you sat surrounded by your team, with Simon by your side, thumb stroking circles over your wrist you had to admit that it was the best Christmas to date. 

Taglist: @ghostslillady @bunnyreaper @tokusho@ohworm-writes @kmi-02 @dumb-fawkin-bitch @jumpofmyclif @tiredmetalenthusiast @Chibijustuff @cooliofango @101crows

[cacti-are-like-flamingos]

Living Waters...

Gojo Satoru x Reader x Geto Suguru

The Cursed Trio | Desert Oasis

...

Before setting off for the day, you made sure to grab an extra hairband, anticipating that Geto might need one if his broke. As it turned out, he had the same foresight, which wasn't all that surprising considering the amount of times you'd lose them.

Another curious fact, for some reason, everyone came to you whenever their uniforms got a tear or two simply because you had once mentioned liking to sow things back together

You swear Gojo would do it on purpose considering he always had his stupid fucking infinity on. Geto, on the other hand, likely made sure to be just a tad bit more reckless with his uniform before turning it into you.

He actually liked to watch you work, eyes entranced by the way your hands move and manipulated the fabric --- all while you hummed some tuneless melody under your breath

Moving on

Did you know that Gojo accidentally revealed to Yaga that you had a fondness for unique plushies? Since that day, Yaga began surprising you with a new plushie every day. Sometimes he'd toss them straight at your face, while other times, he'd leave them outside your door.

As the days passed, your room became a plushie wonderland, and you realized you needed to have a serious conversation with Yaga about this overflowing collection.

Despite your talk, the "plushie issue" remained unresolved. However, every Friday after class, Yaga started setting up the classroom to teach you how to knit as a way to compromise.

With this newfound skill, you took matters into your own hands and began creating mini-plushies of everyone around you.

For Kento, you designed a stylish cream business suit that perfectly complemented his rather bland calm personality. You also created a matching outfit for his best mate, Habaira, but in a sleek black color. Habaira was overjoyed with the gesture, though he playfully joked that he looked like his mini-plushie was ready to attend a funeral. Kento couldn't help but chuckle at the comment, a rare small smile gracing his lips as he softly muttered a heartfelt 'Thank you.'

For Ieiri, you crafted a unique plushie, dressing her in a doctor's coat and adding her trademark little cigarette, capturing her essence beautifully. She was absolutely thrilled when she saw it, expressing her excitement with a lazy smile as she kissed you on the cheek.

Yaga received a miniature replica of his current look, which he proudly displayed by placing it next to his computer monitor in his office. Sometimes, you'd catch him smiling at it.

Gojo's plushie was a fun challenge, with a spiky-haired version of him sporting a blindfold instead of sunglasses. Gojo playfully teased you about making a second version because you just couldn't get enough of him. You threatened to take it away, and he protested, holding the plushie just out of your reach. Lanky bastard.

(You never did see that plushie ever again tho, wonder what happened to it)

As for Geto, you searched the internet for some fashionable outfit inspiration and dressed up his plushie accordingly. He later humorously referred to it as his mini shaman (the fashionable outfit was a shaman's attire. Sorry not sorry) , but he assured you that he genuinely loved it. In fact, he liked it so much that he transformed it into a keychain for his bag, carrying it with him wherever he went.

I should mention that by now, your fluency in Japanese had improved dramatically. However, out of a sheer habit, both boys had the tendency to order for you. Then again, they also ordered for one another. Everyone in this fucking three-way has memorized each other's orders like the back of their hand.

You know their coffee orders by heart; Geto knows both of your favorite meals by heart, and Gojo knows both your and Suguru's favorite sweets by soul. (Sorry not sorry)

You all take turns treating one another, but often it's Gojo who insists on paying for you and Geto, given his big-boy bank account. (You will never reveal to them how somehow Mei Mei has become your sugar mama and pays you for simply existing, on the daily)

Geto can't ever drink your or Gojo's coffees because they're just too sweet. It's so sweet it could put a diabetic into a coma. So the two of you happily share taste-sips with each other.

On the other hand, Gojo couldn't handle the intensity of your and Geto's meals due to their overwhelming spiciness. Just the aroma wafting around would bring tears to his clear sky-blue eyes. As for you, vegetables weren't your preference, so Geto would kindly slide his plate close to yours, allowing you to discreetly transfer the unwanted veggies onto his plate without creating a mess on the table.

Gojo would then tease you for your preference, mocking you as he likened you to a small child. So properly, the only adult response was to engage in a game of footsies with him under the table until, accidentally, Gojo hit you a bit too hard, causing you to flinch and squeak. Geto noticed your reaction instantly, and he gave Gojo a piercing glare, silently warning him to be more careful. Gojo, feeling a bit awkward, focused on stuffing his face to avoid eye contact with Geto.

Ah, nothing like a protective mama Geto

Whenever you're trying to avoid Gojo and his endless taunts, you have a clever strategy: hiding in his dorm room, a place he never imagines you'd willingly go. As he spends the entire day searching the school high and low for you, you're actually inside his room, peacefully resting or just relaxing. Oftentimes, you snoop. Hehe

You possess like some Gojo-detector, giving you the ability to sense when Gojo is about to return to his dorm room. The moment you feel he is messing you, you swiftly sneak out unnoticed. He never manages to catch you, and the mystery of why his bed sometimes smells like you remains unsolved for him. That is until one night, he stumbles upon your favorite bracelet tucked under his pillow, the clasp broken.

You can't escape him anymore

Geto finds solace in your room, partly captivated by its enchanting fragrance. The persistent presence of an oil diffuser emanates an aroma that seems to be woven from the fabric of dreams. Its sweet and gentle, a lingering scent that holds a subtle allure, almost addictive in its embrace.

Lost in the allure of the ambiance (doesn't help that you like to keep your room dark and cold with blue lighting) Geto spends literal hours nestled amongst the plushies, lulled to sleep by the whole scenario. Whenever he departs from your room, the decent clings into his clothing. Leaving a trail of flowers behind that informing others of his presence in your room.

Speaking of him

Sometimes, you wake up in the dead of night, feeling something off. It's as if you possess a strange, innate ability to sense when someone is going through a rough time. Perhaps it's connected to your Cursed technique, or maybe your soul simply has a way of recognizing their distress. Regardless of the reason, you find yourself instinctively reaching for one of your pillows and following the invisible trail of energy.

Tonight, your focus settled on Geto's room. He had entrusted you with a key long ago, allowing you to enter his private space when desired.

You approached the door with a gentle, single knock (you have this specific way of locking that involves lightly tapping on the door with your nails. Much like a cat would) before letting yourself in. And there he was, sat up on his bed, his blankets tangled around his lap as beads of sweat trickled down his face. A haunted look in his eyes.

Geto prided himself on being able to maintain a stoic poker face, but even he had to admit. Out of your little trio, you were the one most attuned to their emotions. You could read the warning signs long before they fully manifested.

You slipped into his bed, performing your nightly ritual of unraveling his locks from the right bun he wore to sleep. Quietly, you would always mention how it wouldn't do any good for his hair and how it might give him more morning tangles (knowing well that you yourself slept with your hair loosely tied). Yet, with tender care, you gently massaged the palms of his hands, hoping to bring him back to the present, back to you.

And he came back to you, blinking his lovely onyx eyes as they lightly widened at the sight of you in your nightgown, sitting right next to him, his hand in your grasp as you cooed him back to safety.

No words were truly exchanged; that was for the morning routine. So, for then, the two of you simply settled back into his bed. His hand never left your own as you slowly placed it onto your chest, just where your heart would be.

Your heart beat, calm and strong, lulled him into a dreamless sleep.

...

(A/N): As I was writing this, you fuckers kept blowing up my phone with the amount of likes you were giving my shit. Like damn, I see now we have some early risers here. Goddamn.

I have such a headache rn it's not even funny.

The idea of being a Gojo-detector is rather humorous, isn't it?

Wonder what Geto dreamt about that had him so distressed. Is it the start of something or just your everyday PTSD?

Drop a comment

Feel free to buy me a 🦩

Hope you enjoyed!

Edited: 7/24/2023

[instant-delusions]

OH MY GOSH are you a rafayel lover too 😭 i swear, i love him so much! and im happy that l&ds comnunity is growing here that a new ff of raffy is posted everyday when i refresh the tags! im glad u seem enthusiastic to accept requests 😔 my raffy brainrot is so bad i need my fix!

can i request? we know rafayel has some sort of "abandonment issues" and we know where it stems from and how it manifests (where he says mc can do what they want as long as they come back to him or let him know what they're doing 😭) and imagine that mc GENUINELY forgets bc she's tired from all the work as a hunter, and when she meets raffy again, he's quiet and she's trying to prod a word out of him but he won't budge cuz he's hurt 😭 and u can go on from there! aargh i love hurt/comfort so much.

happy valentines!! (in advance) 😔🎊🎂

YES rafa is my babygirl. my muse. my glubglubglub. my everything. HE'S SUPER RELATABLE TOO ??? HELP my abandonment issues are literally the same, I'm almost offended 😭😭💔 tysm for the request & happy early valentinesss 💓💓💓

ʟᴏ$ᴇʀ=ʟ♡ᴠᴇʀ !

rafayel x reader

cw: burn-out like symptoms, wounds/blood, arguing, cursing, hurt & comfort

𓆝 ⋆｡𖦹°‧𓇼

6:00 a.m., you skimmed over rafayel's last message and told yourself to reply later - of course, as fate does, a super strong wanderer appeared which occupied you for an excruciating, multiple hour long fight. it was night when you returned home, stripping off your uniform and throwing your gun on the kitchen counter. You barely made it to bed, soaking your sheets in a bit of blood before completely passing out.

it was noon when you woke up again and evening when you were done with your report and bandaging your wound. finally, you were able to check your phone, and it doomed on you. rafayel's message stayed unreplied. you scrolled down his other three texts.

𓇼 ⋆｡˚ 𓆝⋆｡˚ 𓇼

11am rafa: are u ok?

12am rafa: (y/n), can I come over?

1pm: are u serious? not this again.

𓇼 ⋆｡˚ 𓆝⋆｡˚ 𓇼

you furrowed your eyebrows in regret, but exhaled painfully right after. your wound opened again.

you were forced on another, quicker mission that night, but it still left you exhausted, your former wound nagging at you still. once again you came home late, passed out, and woke up around noon. opening your phone, there were no new messages.

quickly, you pressed the call button and were shocked to find the artist wasn't picking up.

𓆝 ⋆｡𖦹°‧𓇼

5:00 pm y/n: hey, sry rafayel. work has been a lot lately.

5:01 pm y/n: I'm rlly sorry

𓆝 ⋆｡𖦹°‧𓇼

wincing, you sat down, your heart beating anxiously for some reason. 'what if this is it? I broke his promise. there's no reason for him to stay. it's fair, but I need him around. because...'

because you like him. it's selfish, you want him around although you barely fill his needs. suddenly, a very familiar dark cloud forms in your stomach and you feel depressed. deeming another relationship ruined by your work, you open social media to drown out the silence.

several hours passed until a knock at your door ripped you out your daze. quickly, you got up and open it. "rafayel." you say, his name coming out almost like a sigh of relief before you could register it. he was dressed in his white shirt, and white pants adorned with an intricate silver belt - he looked put together as always. you, on the other hand, were in an oversized tee, messy hair and deep eyebags with chapped lips. "hi." he simply greeted, making his way into your apartment.

you followed him, breathing anxiously at his unreadable aura. "listen, rafayel - I'm sorry, I wanted to reply and text you but.."

"you forgot." he replied, crossing his arms. there was a look of hurt and disappointment in his face. "it's not that simple." you argued, breathing in to continue, but he emotionally cut you off. "it is, though. (y/n), if you'd like me enough, a simple task like keeping me updated would be easy."

"rafayel. I like you, I like you a lot but..." you breathed in deeply, the harshness of his words getting to you enough to make your eyes teary. defeated, you sat down on your couch, burying your face in your hands. "these past days have been a lot, I could barely take care of myself and most of the time I was either fighting, passed out or tending to my wounds..." you trailed off weakly - due to your eyes being covered, you couldn't see rafayel's eyebrows raising in shock at your reaction, his arms slowly sinking.

"I swear if I'd have a normal life, I'd text you regularly, but it's not." slowly, you raise your head to meet his eyes - yours were puffy and red, tears streamed down your face. rafayel stayed silent, waiting for you to continue.

"it'd be selfish of me to wish for you to stick by me while i don't fulfill your needs, i know i'm not a good...friend. I try to do my best, rafa. you mean a lot to me, but i understand if you want to leave. you deserve someone better."

at this point, tears were streaming down your face freely, and soft sobs escaped your throat. rafayel lowered his gaze, afraid he'd sink to his knees and beg for forgiveness instead. after a while, he sat next to you, slowly intertwining his fingers with yours and brushing his thumb across your hand as he watched your body move with your sobs. "(Y/N), there is not a single part of you that is selfish."

gently, he holds your cheek and makes you look at him. his hand remains there as he continues talking.

"rather, it is me who is selfish. i crave your attention and validation, and feel hurt if i don't receive it. i'm sorry for being petty, i should've come over sooner. and..."

rafayel moves his hand to wipe away your tears and softly kisses your forehead, he smiles as he hears you breathe out softly.

"i could never bring it over my heart to part from you."

you gaze into his rich, magenta eyes and feel your heartstrings pull towards him. it's as if there were a bridge between your chests. closing your eyes, you feel your love for him blooming in the valleys of your bloodstream and bubbling out of your skin, and it weirdly feels as old as millenia, as if you'd known this love all your life, and all the lives you lived before.

"i'm glad." you smiled wobbly, "i feel the same." with a sigh, you leaned your head on his shoulder and let your body relax.

"i dunno how to feel about you calling us 'friends', though."

[invertedheaven]

If You Really Love Nothing

chapter 13: such scenes for things that i regret

chapter index | next chapter

Sukuna mumbled your name so quietly, it was enough for yuji to hold his breath as he waited for sukuna to continue “does she have a kid?”

Yujis eyes widened and he subconsciously took a few steps backwards, his heart was beating so fast he swears you’d be able to hear it thudding. How sukuna found this out was still a complete mystery, yuji swallowed slowly trying to think of words to say but this was not his conversation to have. Did sukuna talk to you? Or Gojo? Yuji genuinely had no words, nor was he ready for this.

Sukuna saw how yuji was caught off guard by the question and he could see how hard yuji was thinking, if it was any other time maybe sukuna would’ve allowed himself to laugh at how bad his brother was at lying, but right now he just wants some answers

“I don’t know” yuji finally spoke up, but he didn’t make eye contact and instead had his gaze fixed on the floor in front of him

“Bullshit” sukuna spat out “try again”

Yuji knew sukuna would know he was lying but he tried anyways, he wants to think he wouldn’t have given in as easily as he is right now

“She does” yuji answered even more quiet than the first time

Sukuna feels every beat of his heart and is painfully aware of his own breathing. He really didn’t think this would’ve been an outcome and he feels as if this is all a very bad joke.

Yuji felt like he knew what the next question was, but his main concern is how sukuna came about asking these questions. Not that he thinks Sukuna is stupid but his brothers general apathy had given yuji hope that sukuna wouldn’t have found out on his own, especially with how careful you and gojo were being

“Is it gojos kid?” Sukuna spoke lowly and yuji closed his eyes in acceptance that Sukuna isn’t asking out of cluelessness, he’s asking to confirm what he’s already suspicious of so lying would do nothing but make things worse

Yuji doesn’t answer, at least not verbally, as much as he had been hoping that sukuna would eventually know the truth yuji didn’t want it to be this way— with all the pressure on him. So instead all yuji does is shake his head no in response, his eyes still fixed on the ground.

Sukuna laughed a humorless, dry laugh. If the kid wasn’t gojos, then it had to be his, there was no one else you were with 4 years ago. And yet he still refuses to accept it, its really not a situation he’d ever expected to find himself in.

“Whose kid is it, yuji” sukuna asked with a hint of what sounded like desperation in his voice

“I think you… need to talk to her, I can’t answer this” the use of his name had him taken aback but yuji spoke with faltering confidence and looked sukuna directly in his eyes. This isn’t his issue and he wasn’t going to be the one to break the news, it’s not what you would’ve wanted either.

“Why aren’t you answering? Do you think you owe her some sort of loyalty?” Sukuna snapped

Yuji furrowed his brows at this, he hated to hear sukuna talk ill of you. Sure yuji doesn’t “owe” you loyalty but you’ve been nothing but kind to yuji, on top of never speaking bad about sukuna. He truly wonders how you and his brother were ever a thing considering the vastly different worlds you lived in.

“This isn’t my conversation to have, sukuna” yuji bit back, now it was his brothers turn to refuse to make eye contact

Sukuna stood unmoved from the doorway, partially in shock at this revelation. Just a few hours ago his priority was entirely different than whatever the fuck it was now. At first he was just trying to gauge how difficult it'd be to get you back from gojo and now it was an entirely different beast, it was a kid-- HIS kid apparently.

Emotions that he never thought he’d feel when thinking about you flood his mind. You were the only person he had that he felt genuine love for, an emotion foreign to him simply because he believes he hadn’t been born with such grace on his side. Not out of pity for himself, just a genuine observation. Everything fell into place when he was with you, and he found himself clinging to your every word and action as if it was gospel. And he knows that kind of control you had over him—intentional or not, was what scared him.

There was no way he was going to sleep or even attempt to sleep. So instead he decides he’s going to get answer-- now. For the first time he finds himself at a standstill, theres not really a way he can just sleep this off but he didn’t feel like a call or text was appropriate.

If he called or texted you, you’d easily avoid his questions not just that but he wouldn’t be able to see your body language. He used to pride himself on being able to tell when you’re lying to him, but he thinks he’s lost that privilege. Youre clearly not the same person he knew and it distressed him. All of this was too much for his mind to settle with— you being capable of hiding something so important from him. Maybe a few hours ago he’d rethink his next choices for your sake but in his mind this situation he was put in didn’t really require him to be courteous.

Of course not without thinking about his ungrateful brother. If yuji caught wind that sukuna intended to go to Gojos house at this hour he’d surely tell you or fushiguro and that would give you time to either leave or come up with some lie. He needed to catch you off guard, since you clearly had no issue with lying to his face.

Sukuna scoffed “Fine”

Yuji watched as his brother turned around getting ready to leave the house again and it made him jump a little in surprise as he realized sukuna didn’t plan on staying home

“Where are you going?” Yuji asked— dumbly and nervously, but he was met with silence

“Sukuna its late, come on-“ yuji began again but he was cut off

“Lets go. You said I should ask her, so let’s do that” sukunas voice was eerily calm and yuji felt his stomach turn

It felt like he’d been caught red handed, growing up he’d been able to get away with most things he’d gotten in trouble for simply because his grandfather was too old to care. Yuji thinks maybe the is what it was like to be afraid of your parents finding out you did something bad. His breathing was getting heavier as he realized you’d probably think this was his fault, and his head spun as he thought about how sukuna probably hated him even more now.

“I didn’t mean right now! Sh- she’s probably asleep or—“ yuji stuttered out

“Then she can wake up” sukuna interrupted “Lets. Go.”

Yuji gulped and clenched his fists he knew it was pointless to argue but he still felt the need to try “Can’t you just call her or something? We can wait til tomorrow we can go first thing in the morning” but all sukuna did was stare with an unreadable expression on his face.

Yuji realized sukuna was waiting for him to move and he didn’t know what to do first. Yuji turned around to grab his phone and keys from the table but sukuna spoke up “Leave it”

“But my phone-“ yuji began

“I know, I said leave it” sukuna repeated, if it sounded fucked up that he wanted to catch you off guard he didnt really care. He thinks the kid you’re probably hiding is a lot worse.

Yuji cursed to himself, he hated how it seems like sukuna read his mind. Yuji had every intention of alerting you or megumi he didn’t want you to be blindsided or feel ambushed by his brother, he had to force himself to swallow down a rude response to his brother because yujis guilt was too overwhelming that even if he wanted to help you, the idea of “betraying” his brother again made his stomach twist.

The car was filled with a suffocating silence, it was hard to describe. Yuji felt it was similar to when your head is underwater and the world becomes muffled and the only thing you can really sense is your breathing. He feels it become harder to catch his breath and the moment the silence in the car breaks would be like when you finally lift your head out of the water. He doesn’t realize he’s holding his breath, simply out of fear that if sukuna so much as heard him breathe he would say something. Yet, sukuna didn’t say a single word… yuji wondered if he was even paying attention to the road considering how disconnected he seemed.

Yuji didn’t really wonder how sukuna knew where you lived because the one of the few conditions sukuna had when yuji first moved in (aside from not being too loud) was to share his location with sukuna at all times. It makes sense but yuji never thought his brother paid any attention to that, considering he always asked where yuji had been. Yuji felt incredibly naïve to think that sukuna wouldn’t take that opportunity to figure out your address.

Meanwhile, Sukuna doesn’t feel like its quiet enough. He can still hear the pot holes he drives over, the muffled sound of wind hitting his car and the sound of the turn signals as he drives. It was all too loud as he tries to think of what he’s going to say to you. He wonders why he even brought yuji with him, it’s not like there would be any benefit he had heard enough from him for the night. Yet the idea of going to see you alone seemed jarring, even if yuji clearly showed that he chose you over his own brother, at least if yuji was there Sukuna wouldn’t face you with no one behind him. He finds himself frustrated with the thought that he didn’t want to be alone. He consistently tried to convince himself that through his solitude was how he has gotten so far, yet the past few months had grown increasingly challenging as he realized you moved forward without him, and now yuji is slowly but surely replacing him. He’s not even sure what makes him have this train of thought it sounds self pitying and pathetic in sukunas opinion but he cant get it out of his head. Maybe it’s the idea that its him being left behind, instead of him leaving you behind, he doesn’t linger too long on the thought that it has to be some sort of underlying abandonment issue.

And the worst part about this is the kid— he has a fucking kid? But as screwed up as it sounded his first thought wasn’t to see his kid, no… it was to see you. The anger he felt… he wasn’t even sure where it stemmed from, he never felt passionately about having a kid, it wasn’t even a reality he’d imagined for himself but it was more the principle of the matter— that you looked in his eyes that night you dropped yuji off and still denied him the truth. And its that thought that causes his heart to twist uncomfortably and for him to anxiously (although he’d never admit that) run his hand through his hair as he stares at the red light that seemed to be taking too long on purpose, as if it knew he wanted to get to you as soon as possible.

————

“I thought you said you were good at this” you laughed

“I am! This is the best wrapping i’ve ever seen what are you talking about?” Gojo responded, in complete seriousness

You and Gojo had decided to wrap the kids christmas presents considering it was 2 days away. You were both sat in your matching pajamas (a gag gift from gojo that you and the kids were “honored” to receive according to him) on the living room floor trying your best to make the presents look pretty. Gojo swears he’s amazing but Airi could probably do better than him at this point, it surprised you because he was usually good at most things he did.

Gojo in all honesty was tired from the work “party” (if thats what people want to call it, he sure wont) but he felt as if he needed this distraction. Going to bed with a bitter taste in his mouth about his day had him disgruntled, so you suggested wrapping the gifts and eating leftover cake from megumis birthday. You opted for wrapping megumis presents so they looked decent considering they were expensive and since airi couldn’t care less about presentation all she cares about is the actual present, gojos “expertise” were perfect for her gifts.

Megumi got a new gaming console, headset and a few new games while Airi got pretty much her whole list. From a new doll house, to new dolls, a fake kitchen play set (which you find ironic since she’s so picky), nail polish, and new plushies. You tried to convince gojo to not go all out but he insisted. You don’t get too bothered because if megumi had asked for more gojo would’ve done the same for him, you think maybe thats just the best way gojo can show his affection. And each time he always insists that its from the both of you even if you contributed nothing financially. It eats away at your conscience and you cant help but feel guilty every year.

“Y’know airi should start pre-school or something soon” you sighed as you cut across the glittery red wrapping paper— also gojos choice, you probably would’ve chosen something less difficult to tape the glitter made it hard for the tape to stick so you had to use a lot but at least it was pretty.

“No, she does not have you seen the other kids these days? All terrible” Gojo looked at you with disgust

“Satoru she doesn’t have anybody her age around her, her social skills are going to be horrible if I don’t at least do a day care or school” you argued

“Who cares about that, megumi lacks social skills and he’s doing just fine” gojo said as he waved the scissors in his hand around (he was lying through his teeth)

You scrunched up your nose and shook your head “not the best example, he barely stopped getting in fights this year”

Gojo rolled his eyes as he went back to poorly wrapping the dog plushie airi asked for, you told him to use a bag but he did his own thing “well I think shes fine, what if you put her in dance or a sport at least until kindergarten”

The both of you sat in silence for the next few minutes as you contemplated the idea, maybe she would like to do something fun that could be a hobby but its so hard when she’s so indecisive, she’s only 3 its not like you expect her to be invested in anything. The topic of the future made you anxious, and for some reason there was already a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, you thought it was just your usual rush of anxiety that constant sense of impending doom but it just felt different today, so you opted to change the subject again… maybe if you don’t think about it you’ll be fine.

“She’s gonna love the kitchen” you giggled as you watched gojo very pathetically attempt to wrap it

“Do I need to wrap this?” Gojo whined “Genuinely will this even work” it was a giant box because the toy still needed to be assembled. You could already picture yourself annoyed at the instructions, sometimes kids toys made no sense.

“Probably not but I was waiting for you to figure that out” you laughed while gojo just glared at you

Your laugh was abruptly cut off by the sound of knocking on the front door (If you could’ve call it that it sounded more like someone was kicking the door.) Your voice caught in your throat as you and gojo made eye contact, it was a little too late to be expecting visitors and your mind already started thinking the worst, like maybe it was one of your neighbors having an emergency. Sukuna so far from your mind as you were lulled into a false sense of security with gojo, wrapping presents pretending like it was always going to be like this.

“Im gonna check on airi” you whispered

Gojo nodded but you don’t know what compelled you to wait until he approached the door.

Gojo looked through the peephole trying to see who it was and you watched as his posture changed. His shoulders slumped and he dropped his arms clenching one of his fists at his side. You moved to see who it was but gojo wouldn’t budge

You furrowed your brow “what is it?” You whispered, a little annoyed that he wasn’t moving

Gojo just dropped his head to look at the floor and sighed letting your question hang in silence

“Satoru seriously what is it?” You almost want to laugh not because theres anything funny but because you’re nervous

Gojo didn’t really know how to tell you that sukuna was on the other side of the door with an unpleasant look on his face (not that his face ever looked pleasant in gojos humble opinion). But the man looked angry, and gojo hated to think about what could possibly have him looking like that. Internally Gojo prepared himself for the possibility of sukuna having found out about airi, and he knew you’d probably want him on standby by to make sure airi is okay.

“Its sukuna” gojo mumbled

Your eyes widen as your heart beat sped up, almost immediately your entire body had such a visceral reaction “what do you mean sukuna? he’s here?” You asked for clarification even if gojo was perfectly clear

Gojo nodded and looked at you with a pained expression “he looks displeased”

You swallowed thickly, trying to even out your breathing “maybe he’ll go away”

But he kept knocking and it caused you to jump slightly while gojo snapped his head back to the door

You felt your feet glued to the same spot, you couldn’t move it was almost as if your brain wasn’t even in charge of your body anymore. Your breathing became erratic and it became harder to control, you tried to think of any possibility he would have for coming to your home so late. Your eyes widened as you thought maybe it was an emergency with yuji but before you could voice that gojo spoke up

“We have to answer it, the knockings gonna wake up airi” he told you calmly “do you want me to answer it first?” He wasn’t too concerned about megumi because he was probably awake watching something with his headphones on at a way too loud volume to be considered normal. He knew you weren’t really processing that sukuna was outside your door so he put his hand on your shoulder and said your name but the look in your eyes told him you were far from present.

“Im going to answer you can wait right here” he maneuvered you just out of sight at the entrance of the kitchen which was next to the front door

———

Sukuna grew more agitated with each passing second. Why weren’t you answering the door? he knows you’re awake, last time he checked you were a night owl. Never asleep before 1 am no matter what, but that was 4 years ago, had you really changed that much? He remembers why he came and the sudden softness he felt for you hardens quickly.

Sukuna shouted your name “Answer the door, I know you’re in there!” as he continued to knock and as he was met with a few more moments of silence he got prepared to knock again but before his now red knuckles could hit the door again, it swung open. Sukuna scowled as he saw who had answered and gojo returned the expression

“Is there something I can help you with? Do you know what time it is? We have neighbors.” gojo asked loudly— so much for ‘be quiet its late’

“Im not here to talk to you, you idiot” Sukuna snapped

Gojo realized sukuna had a look in his eyes that screamed unease. Like he was hanging on by a thread and it made gojo almost slam the door in his face because there was no way you were going to talk to Sukuna when he looked like that. But before he could make that decision for you he saw you move out of the corner of his eye, you came to stand slightly behind him but next to him. He looked down at you with the silent question of ‘what are you doing’ written on his face but your eyes were fixed on the man in front of you.

Sukuna pretends that the sight of your already glassy eyes doesn’t make his heart skip a little, he’d never really remain unaffected by you no matter how much he tried. But that fleeting moment of softness for you quickly fizzled away at the sight of you and gojo in matching fucking pajamas, I mean really it felt like this happened on purpose as if you and gojo had planned it. He feels his jealousy bubbling up inside of him and he refuses to even acknowledge the white haired man next to you. Sukuna also noted the way you seemed to hide behind gojo, which also pisses him off because why would you’d have to be shielded from him? He has never hurt you and he never would and to see the way you acted so unfamiliar to him had his mind buzzing.

You haven’t torn your eyes away from sukuna, you notice the barely hidden look of franticness in his eyes, you feel his gaze swallowing you whole. It’s a look in his eyes you never thought you’d be on the receiving end of.

“What do you want?” You asked trying to make your voice stable but you know you must have sounded like a mess

“We need to talk” sukuna replied with a calmness that felt too eerie to be comfortable “Alone” he added as he finally looked at gojo

“Not a chance, what do you want-“ gojo started but you interrupted him abruptly “Fine”

You turned to satoru completely “im fine, just make sure everythings good inside” you hoped he’d catch onto the way you were asking him to check on airi, last thing you need is for her to be awake and hearing what you imagine wont be a pleasant conversation judging by sukunas demeanor

Gojo didnt want to question you in front of sukuna so all he did was put his hand on your arm and squeezed it briefly before pointedly staring at sukuna as he disappeared behind the door before coming back with a jacket.

"here its too cold out here" gojo mumbled as he shoved the jacket in your hands, you recognized it as his and you were thankful because it was freezing outside and you cant imagine this conversation was going to be fast. You shrugged the jacket on ignoring sukunas pointed stare, he was so obviously bothered it was annoying to you.

The pink haired mans eyebrow slightly twitched at the interaction that unfolded before him but before he could get any more riled up about it your voice pulled him out of his thoughts “what did you want to talk about?” you asked, stepping out of the house and closing the door behind you

Sukuna felt a small smirk try to fight its way onto his face you were responding in short, terse comments you were trying so hard to remain calm but he knows you, he can hear the wave of insecurity hidden in your voice.

“Is there something you need to tell me?” Sukuna spat out

You’re not sure what he thinks he knows. Your mind is telling you hes found out about airi but what if he wasn’t? What if he just thinks you’re dating gojo or something unimportant. You're already overthinking just trying to understand what exactly his intentions are.

“Do you want to elaborate?” You asked calmly

Sukuna felt his eye twitch slightly, he thinks it was probably very obvious. He takes the opportunity to turn around and look at where he parked to make sure yuji is still in the car but also to make you look. He knows if you saw yuji, you’d probably understand why he was here.

You followed Sukunas line of sight as you saw yuji sitting in the front seat of sukunas car, that you only recognize because you saw it the day you dropped yuji off. Yuji looked shocked at the way both you and sukuna stared at him and he quickly fixed his gaze forward instead of the two of you. Yuji knows you could probably see the guilt riddled on his face and he so badly wants to tell you it wasn’t him but by the time he attempts to look at you and sukuna again you’re already back to staring at his brother.

Sukuna turned back to you to find you already glaring at him, as if you have anything to be mad at

“You know what Im talking about don’t play dumb” sukuna began

You just squinted your eyes slightly “I don’t know what you’re talking about I cant read your mind, sukuna” it was your turn to lace your tone with spite

“Whose kid is it? I know you have one, who is the father?” Sukuna said bluntly, speaking so casually as if he hadn’t just shattered whatever front you had

He watched as your face faltered, your eyebrows furrowed, mouth twitching and your body tensed. You looked back at the car and noticed yuji staring again you felt cornered somehow. You had an inkling you felt like you knew why he was here the second you saw his face but you refused to accept it. Even now, as Sukuna so brazenly asked his dreaded question you felt as if it was dream— you’d simply fallen asleep while wrapping the gifts with gojo.

Yet the cold biting at the tip of your nose and the man standing in front of you demanding an answer said otherwise. You couldn’t find your voice and you couldn’t look at his face, you didn’t know how to answer him even if the answer was simple.

“I-“ you began, you feel as if you’d forgotten every word you’d ever learned because your mind was coming up blank. You took the opportunity to look up at him to see his face but he simply looked unamused, it made you feel worse. The look on his face was always something you strived to avoid when you were dating and something you subconsciously were still trying to avoid all these years later. The very idea that his eyes could bear such reproof for you was terrifying, and to see it now made your heart ache in a way you weren’t prepared for.

And even more so the way he was still so breathtaking to you, even with his hair messy because he was clearly running his hands through it, even with the blush spreading across his face from the cold, you truly could not wrap your head around the fact that he was real. His tattoos and the ones peaking through the collar of his hoodie had you becoming completely distracted-- if only for a moment.

Sukuna slightly raised his brows in a mocking manner indicating he was waiting for you to continue. It wasn’t encouraging in the slightest

You cleared your throat in hopes that it’d stop the cry building in your throat “I have a daughter” you stated, your voice wavered as you avoided sukunas glare. You stared pointedly at your feet, the tears were building in your eyes before you could stop them obscuring the view of your shoes, you let the tear drops fall as they slid down your cheeks. It was strange to feel your warm tears while the cold air bit at your face let yourself embrace it— It almost felt comforting. You quickly wiped them away as the silence between you and sukuna grew overwhelming.

You lifted your head to meet sukunas eyes “you’re her father” you whispered so quietly had sukuna not been holding his breath he’s sure he wouldn’t have heard you.

There was something cruel in the way your eyes were glistening with tears and your body shook— from the cold or nerves he could not tell. Cruel in the sense that you’re acting as if you hadnt been hiding this. He knew it, felt it, from the second yuji couldn’t answer.

“Did you know” he spoke tone indiscernible

“What do you mean?” Your brows furrowed as you sniffled

“When we broke up did you know” he doesn’t know why he wants to know that, he’s somehow afraid of the answer

You shook your head in response “it didn’t happen then” you mumbled

It clicked then in Sukunas head that it was that god damned one night stand stunt he pulled. His eyes widened slightly and hes glad you were too busy wiping your eyes to see his surprise. Somehow he knew he’d come to regret that night even more than he already did. Even if that night was the last time he felt actually well rested solely because he had you in his arms again, your presence down to feeling you breathe, how your shampoo and lotion smelled, everything about you had overtaken his senses. He missed you, he had missed you so much it made him so frustrated to be so weak for you, and having to leave you that next morning— without so much as a goodbye sent him spiraling for months after, doing the opposite of what he wanted.

He didn’t know where to start or what to ask he didnt even think he wanted to know anymore yet the words start rising to his throat unbidden “why didn’t you tell me?” He spat out

You slightly startled not expecting his harsh tone out of nowhere “Oh please” you laughed it was vacant of any actual amusement “I did, I tried so hard sukuna you have no idea”

He furrowed his brows and opened his mouth to speak buy you cut him off “If you happen to remember you blocked me on literally everything… I tried calling and texting I even used someone else’s phone and yet there was never a response” you started to get a little louder from all the pent up resentment

“And you couldn’t leave a voicemail? Or even texted me this?” Sukuna asked incredulously

You gawked “I DID! I fucking did, i texted you from 3 different numbers that it was me and that I needed to talk to you, I left plenty of voicemails telling you to call me back” you shouted your tone quickly escalating from what it once was and you were shaking from how angry you were “what else was I supposed to do? I couldn’t even go find you, I wouldn’t even know where to begin” you spat out, choosing to leave out the fact that he never gave you anything of his past that could’ve served as a hint for you, that wasn’t the point of this and it didnt even matter now anyways, you weren’t together anymore anyways.

Sukuna genuinely could not recall such attempts in the moment but if he stopped to think he'd surely remember (he deleted every voicemail and ignored every text for his sanity unknowing of the urgency behind them) although it probably didn’t help there was about 3 months that he wasn’t sober in any sense. That was the life he tried to convince himself he wanted to live, nothing but things that would bring entertainment to him.

So, youre not entirely wrong, you did try but thanks to time, alcohol, drugs and denial sukuna truly did not recall such events. Ignoring everything you just said he cuts your rant off “what about when you saw me the other night?”

To that you had no answer so he continued “how long did you know yuji was my brother?”

You swallowed looking back at the car to see yuji had put his head against the window but his gaze was faced forward you looked back to sukuna “from the moment I met him” you answered honestly

Sukuna scoffed he took a minute to look up at the house behind you. He didn't really notice how nice it actually was and how one of the windows upstairs had a light on. He looked back down at the door behind you and his stomach turned uncomfortably, he realized behind that door was an entire life you’d built without him. You’d even included yuji in this sickeningly domestic life.

“You knew that whole time that I was back” sukuna spoke, not a question but simply a statement

“I was going to-“ you began

“But you didn’t” he cut you off

He felt disgusted that you were scrambling to create excuses “if I hadnt found out, when would you have told me, if at all?” He questioned accusatorially

“I don’t know” you irritably replied “I don’t know, I was waiting for a right moment-“

“You needed a right moment to tell me about MY kid?” He argued

Fighting the urge to roll your eyes you settle on staring straight into sukunas eyes “I did” you spoke resolutely

Sukuna had to physically bite his tongue to stop himself from saying things that could make this much worse not because he cared if he hurt you, if he was being honest he’d lost a lot of respect for you. In his opinion you had no moral high ground here yet you could very easily not allow him to see his kid, although hes not even sure he wanted to meet her. It sounds like an absolutely shitty thing to say but he cant help but feel like he has no emotion about this aside from betrayal on yujis and your behalf.

And yet, “What’s her name?” He asked before he could stop himself

Your eyes widened slightly and you know he saw it “Airi” you spoke with much more certainty, he noticed and there was the smallest spark in your eyes, the same one he recognized when you’d start to talk about something you were passionate about-- he missed it.

“Birthday?”

“Her birthday?” You questioned making sure you understood since he wasn’t really using sentences he only nodded in response. So you continued “March 21st”

You saw the look of realization on his face, that it was right after yujis birthday yet he didn’t say anything.

There was an uncomfortable silence after you told him that, you didn’t really know what to say. There was nothing to say to make this any better and you knew that, as much as sukuna knew that too.

“Why?”

You heard vulnerability laced within the word, something you’d never heard from sukuna. You felt your chest burn as you accepted the fact that you were the cause of it. You knew what he was asking and standing here now, you felt like a fool for your reasoning.

“Y’know I wasn’t mad that you broke up with me” you began your eyes settled on his chest he was wearing a black hoodie with some weird symbol on it and you focused solely on that as you continued “I was at first especially since it was right after my birthday but once that initial rage calmed down I just felt” you trailed off

Sukuna felt annoyed at this monologue you were putting on he didn’t really ask for the reminder of one of his biggest regrets

“I felt hopeless I guess, I thought you were my end all be all. If you asked me to I would’ve stayed with you for as long as you’d let me and yet you couldnt even tell me why you dumped me”

Sukuna rolled his eyes slightly but you didnt see it so he interrupted you “So its some sort of revenge?”

You ignored him “I remember begging you to tell me why” you laughed but it sounded like you were in pain “Do you? How you walked to my room to grab your shit without so much as looking my way”

The memory of that night flooded sukunas brain, you were trailing behind him crying asking him why, what you did wrong, if he was okay. And he remembers ignoring it all. You stood in the door way watching him slowly gather his things as if he was trying to rid you of his presence before you even had the chance to mourn it.

“Years, we were together for YEARS and you left as if I was nothing, If you didnt want to be with me— I couldnt change that” you spat out and you finally moved your gaze from his sweater to his face that wasn’t looking at you but the door behind you “but you could’ve told me why… I deserved that much at least”

Sukuna still didn’t understand what the correlation was but you pressed on “then you come back for one night just to leave me more fucked up than before you came yet again leaving without thinking of what that did to me” you sniffled as you stared daggers into him while he finally moved his line of sight back to your face. Your face-- that beyond the melancholy your eyes held there was a subtle hint of rage.

Your voice raised and you choked up “Selfish. You were selfish, sukuna! And then I found out I was pregnant and after months of my desperate attempts— all my attempts to get you to care I just gave up” you shrugged exaggeratedly “Do you have any idea how exhausting that is?” starting to openly cry you continued “Do you know how much it hurt to try to get you to care not even about me but your kid?” You quickly wiped the tears from your eyes and sukuna felt a sinking feeling of guilt not liking the way this conversation was going.

Your voice sounded unfamiliar to you as you struggled to talk through the tears “So fine, I settle with the fact that I’ll tell you eventually, even if I wanted you to know then, even if I wanted you there every step of the way even if I wanted airi to know-“ you shook your head and brought your hands up to your face as your body was shaking with your muffled cries

Sukuna didn’t know what to do or say he held himself back from his urge to wrap his arms around you, it felt too foreign now, he hadn’t realized just how much of a stranger you were to him now. He deluded himself into thinking he’d be able to get you back somehow, that you wouldn’t even think twice of being with him again. Yet as he watched you breakdown in front of him and he heard how you felt about him, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t lose hope.

You calmed down after a few moments, having needed to let the cry out to be able to continue talking. You sniffled and it sounded disgusting as your nose was runny but you continued “I can’t put airi through that” your voice was gentle but hurt “if thats how you treat people you ‘love’ I cant subject her to that, she’s better off not knowing you at all”

Sukuna thinks he feels a crack in his heart form at that last part, the implication behind your words that you probably thought you would’ve been better off not knowing him made his ears ring. He wanted to tell you to stop but he couldn’t find it in himself to speak

“Because if I told you about her, if you came into her life and abandoned her the way you left me, without so much as a reason” you shook your head “I won’t let that happen to my baby” you wiped your nose and waited for sukuna to say something, he’d been oddly quiet and he was avoiding looking directly at you

Sukunas throat felt dry as he let your words sink in surely he’d look back on this and understand your reasoning but to no ones surprise he lets his defensiveness speak for him

“And you decided that for me” he spoke matter of factly but he could clearly hear the hurt in his words, he hoped you hadnt noticed

You wanted to punch him. Thats what he had to say after everything you told him, after the years of built up resentment and sadness, it made you sick. But if he wanted to play that way then fine, he knew you were always one to match his attitude and even if it was petty and immature you didnt care, he clearly didnt.

“I did” you answered back in the same tone

————

Gojo sat on the couch with his head thrown back as he screwed his eyes shut. Had he been as harsh on you as he is with others maybe he would’ve given you better advice. He should’ve told you to tell sukuna, he shouldn’t have coddled your emotions but he couldn’t help it. Sure, he doesn’t think sukuna is a good person he doesn’t deserve to be graced by you or airis presence but he is airis father.

Maybe because he’d been out of the picture for years it was easy to imagine him as merely a sperm donor but after hearing the entire conversation you and sukuna decided to share with the neighborhood, an uncomfortable feeling of guilt settles in gojos gut. He shouldn’t feel bad for sukuna and yet he does… that man probably doesnt even care about airi but granted the reality of the situation sucked. If gojo was in sukunas shoes he’s not even sure he’d be able to even look at you. All things he should’ve thought about before any of this happened, but it was too late now and he was probably going to be left to pick up the pieces. He heard foot steps running down the stairs and didn’t bother looking, he had honestly wondered if megumi noticed what was happening, gojo didn’t really think to alert him. He’d been too concerned with checking on airi and as your conversation got louder he decided to stay close, just in case.

“What is going on?” Megumi harshly whispered

Gojo sighed and kept his eyes closed “he knows… about airi”

Megumi figured as much considering he heard most of the argument but he was still confused “she told him?”

Gojo shook his head “we don’t know how he found out, the fucker just showed up out of nowhere”

Megumis brows furrowed he had at least 10 more questions but he could tell gojo wasn’t in the mood

“Is she okay?” Megumi asked, he clarified he was talking about you as gojo looked him waiting for an elaboration

“Probably not” gojo shrugged

Megumi didn’t really know what to do, he hadn’t received a text from yuji so maybe he doesn’t know that sukuna is here. Or maybe he actually told his brother, megumi didnt want to think yuji would do that so he quickly shut that thought down

“That guys an idiot” gojo mumbled

And all megumi could do was nod in agreement.

————

“And yuji?” He asked angrily

“What about him?” You asked with a mocking tone

Sukuna looked back at his parked the car, of course the brat was trying to listen in because the second sukuna turned around yuji took his head off the window and looked at the steering wheel of the car instead, trying to play it off

“You manipulated him into not telling me, you claim im the bad guy here yet you-“ sukuna was cut off by you too quickly for his liking

“For your information, sukuna, I was expecting him to tell you, in fact when he found out I swore that was it, I freaked out trying to think about how he’d tell you everything” you spoke with gritted teeth “but I guess you just have your head so far up your own ass that he decided not to tell you”

Sukunas eyes widened slightly “I didn’t need to do anything, you did all the work yourself” you huffed out, glaring at him like you’re sick

He didn’t have a response to that, he knows its probably true yuji decided that on his own.

And somehow in this moment he’s a child again. He’s watching as his parents look at him with disgust, as his grandfather tells him to ‘just behave’, and as his classmates run away in fear from him. Sukuna himself does not realize thats what hes experiencing in the moment, he just thinks the look in your eyes pisses him off.

He thinks you’re never going to stop taking from him. You’ve taken all the space in his brain that is allowed, you’ve taken a part of him and created a whole other person out of it. You took his kid from him and now his brother. It’s not supposed to be like this with him practically at your mercy, with him just lucky enough to be granted a glance from you.

How much was it going to take to change this? To set things right, to start over. Had he confused your power for his? All this time he really could’ve convinced himself you were wrapped around his finger, but he was cruelly proven wrong.

You cleared your throat snapping sukuna out of his thoughts, you didnt know what he was thinking or what he was planning but it made you anxious

“Did you want to meet her?” You asked quietly

“No” sukuna answered all to quickly. He needed time, he didn’t know how much but he couldn’t see her like this. Any normal person would think they’d hate to spend one more second not knowing but he thinks if he met her and he was face to face with a life he’s missed with you, well he’d probably lose his mind.

You flinched at his response and you felt your heart shatter, it was exactly what you were afraid of you knew it. You started to nod in acceptance, because at least you knew it was coming, at least airi didn’t have to know this happened

Sukuna realized you couldn’t read his thoughts as he saw you cave in on yourself, you were shaking and nodding the tears away so he spoke up “not right now I mean” he corrected

You looked him like he was full of shit “It wasn’t going to be right now, she’s asleep”

Sukuna bites back a comment on how you wouldn’t have woken her up for this but chose not to

“You should go” you said, tired of his immaturity

He needed to say something, even if he was mad at you, at everything that just happened “Ill call you” he spoke

You laughed in his face “Go home” you spat out

He wasn’t ready for how fast you retreated from him or how loud and hard you slammed the front door in his face after you went inside.

He was left staring at the doormat, it was a shade of blue that somehow looked lonely. He was disgusted by his vulnerable train of thought, this was not something he wanted to indulge in yet the silence you left him with was eating him alive. The thing about you was that you posed a threat to his own personal philosophy. Love was merely a concept people needed to cope, to find a reason for their existence and for him he was convinced he didn’t need someone else to satisfy his needs. Yet everything about you contradicted that, after all these years he was still left feeling as if he needed you. It was abhorrent.

After a few minutes of being unable to move, his feet moved of their own will as he walked back to his car. The way yuji avoided looking at him made him slam the door shut as he got in the drivers seat

“How long did you know” sukuna asked quietly but Yuji couldnt discern any of type of emotion from his words

Yuji held his breath as he prepared to answer “It wasn’t long” he mumbled “maybe 2 weeks”

Sukuna merely scoffed as he inserted the key into the ignition, he didn’t really have anything to say. Sukuna of all people who always knew what to say, who always knew what he wanted, just didn’t have any words.

———

You slammed the door shut and leaned against it, sliding down to sit on the floor with your knees tucked to your chest you put your head in your hands and cried. It was a continuous stream of tears as you sat with your guilt.

Gojo shooed megumi to his room, which megumi was more than happy to take this opportunity to get away. Not that he didnt want to be there for you but he’s not even sure he’d be of any use right now other than just standing awkwardly. Gojo approached you quietly as he sat down next to you on the floor, you had noticed but didn’t acknowledge him. You just sat there for what felt like forever and he allowed the silence between you two to speak for itself until you were ready.

You sighed and pressed the back of your head against the door “he doesn’t want to meet her” you whispered, voice raspy from the tears and the arguing with sukuna

Gojo couldn’t quite catch the end of your conversation with sukuna, all he had heard was mumbles so as you told him this he felt his heart break for you

“He said that?” he asked in disbelief

You nodded “I asked him if he wanted to meet her and he said no almost immediately” you sniffled “he noticed he fucked up cause he added ‘not right now’ quickly after” you shook your head in disbelief as you huffed out a small laugh

“He does need time to process” gojo spoke up “but-“

“I know he does, I never said he didn’t but its like he didn’t even need to think about it” you snapped “I just don’t know what to believe when he speaks”

Gojo cant blame you for feeling hurt by sukunas crass behavior but he can understand him, would he do the same? Probably no but thats not for gojo to say

“Im sorry it happened that way” gojo whispered and when he noticed you weren’t gonna respond he continued “I seriously don’t know how he found out, we didn’t talk about-”

“I know it wasn’t you satoru” you solemnly smiled at him "he is right though”

Gojo raised his brow as he waited for you to elaborate

“If he hadn’t found out” you waved your hand dismissively “in whatever way he did, I don’t know if I would’ve ever said anything” you whispered

You wanted to believe you would’ve told him eventually. That you would’ve swallowed your pride, would’ve stopped being a coward and just tell him— regardless of what came after. But you were comfortable, living with a false sense of security that your actions wouldn’t have consequences.

“You don’t know that” Gojo tried to reassure you, he thinks you would’ve a little late? Sure but your guilt was eating you alive

“Thank you satoru” you said as you leaned your head on his shoulder “I don’t think I say it enough” you whispered

Gojo could hear the insecurity laced in your words and he felt bad that you think you need to thank him, as if he’d done all of this for thanks but before he could say anything you slowly stood up

“Im going to sleep, ill see you tomorrow” you mumbled

“I got breakfast, okay?” Gojo spoke and when you looked at him, the look in his eyes made you want to melt into a puddle of shame. He had concern swimming in the depths of his too blue eyes and it hurt, you didn’t want him to look at you like that, you didn’t want pity for something thats your fault

“Whatever airi wants” gojo added and you had to snap yourself out of your self loathing thoughts

Nodding with a small smile “sounds good” you murmured

———

“So thats it?” Yuji asked, the words left his mouth before he had a chance to stop them

Sukuna threw his keys on the kitchen table and started taking off his jacket, intent on ignoring that brat asking ridiculous questions

The drive back had been insufferably silent and yuji hated it, yet he couldnt bring himself to speak. He felt he wasnt in any place to ask sukuna what had happened but at the same time, if he was dragged along to that confrontation— for literally no reason, the least sukuna could do was say something… like a single word.

“Are you going to meet her?” yuji was clearly referring to airi and the sentence made sukunas heart clench slightly

Sukuna rolled his eyes as he walked to the kitchen, he was in desperate need for some painkillers this whole ordeal gave him a headache. He should’ve known involving yuji in any way would have led to this, the kid was always too nosy for his own good and if he didn’t respond the questions would simply keep going.

“Eventually” sukuna grunted out, he was tired and did not feel like explaining himself to his traitor of a brother. He is still not over the idea that yuji was complicit in this, he always knew yuji was stupid but this was a new low.

“Eventually?” Yuji asked, he sounded like that was his first time hearing the word and Sukuna wouldn’t be surprised by that possibility

“So what was the point?” Yuji asked “you dragged me down there with you, you went and harassed them at nearly 1 am-“

“Harassed?” Sukuna repeated with a smile teasing on his face “you really need to learn what words mean before you use the-“

“Do you even care about her or airi? Or do you just want something to control” Yuji sounded disturbed, like he couldnt wrap his head around the idea that his brother wouldn’t fight to see airi. Was sukuna confusing love for control? Yuji doesnt understand why his brother denies so vehemently that he still loves you or why he would make such a big scene out of tonight if he didnt even plan to do anything about it, he just didn’t like not being the one in charge. That had to be it.

“Are you even going to try to be there for airi?” Yuji persisted and his tone was teetering on the edge of yelling

Sukuna felt whatever thin veil of patience he had snap, he wouldnt admit it but yujis words were striking a chord sukuna didn’t want to even go near “If you know whats good for you, you’d stop talking” he spoke with a threatening tone that told yuji to stop but he kept going

Deep down Yuji knew sukuna wouldn’t actually do anything it was all just a front “y’know at least our dad is dead” yuji huffed out “at least he literally physically cant be here-“

Sukuna laughed and it was yujis turn to furrow his brows, he didn’t understand why anything he said would be something to laugh at

“You idiot, Jin isn’t dead thats just what the old gas bag told you, to spare having to explain anything to you” sukuna spat out “Jin itadori is off doing god knows what who knows where, he’d be better off dead”

Yuji for some reason or another didn't feel surprised. HIs grandfather did try to tell him something before he passed he kept insisting he needed to talk to yuji about his parents but maybe in the back yujis mind he already knew. He’d never so much as visited his fathers grave, his grandfather always told him it was too far and as yuji got older that excuse made less and less sense and yet he never questioned it.

But to yuji, what hurt the most in the moment is that sukuna couldn’t see how low he’s stooped, how he was just always going to be stuck as a bitter and miserable man. Even if yuji didn’t know why sukuna hated their parents so much, he couldn’t fathom why sukuna couldn’t just be happy with what he had. Was his relationship with you not enough? Was having an actual child with you not enough? Yuji long since accepted that he’d never be enough for sukuna, for whatever reason sukuna just couldn’t be a normal brother, yuji stopped trying to understand.

In this moment, standing across from his brother— who still has a smirk on his face as if he thought he did something all yuji could feel was pity— not for himself but for his brother. There was no point in trying to get sukuna to understand, it wasn’t as though sukuna couldn't'— he was capable but he just didn’t want to. And at that point it was out of yujis hands, if sukuna had never been there for yuji why was he going to stand here and try to get sukuna to make better decisions.

Yuji laughed but it wasn’t a laugh sukuna had heard before. Sukuna likes to think he knows yujis body lanuage and mannerisms better than anyone else— considering the fact that he’s a decent amount of years older than yuji and yuji never really had many friends, its not like there was anyone else who would know him so well. While he could talk to just about anybody, which pissed sukuna off to no end especially in yujis toddler days when they’d go to a store and yuji would talk up a storm with anyone who had the misfortune of making eye contact, yet sukuna noticed yuji wasn’t a “friends” person. It seemed to be preferred, like yuji wanted the solitude despite knowing he could be well liked by anyone, and thats why sukuna knew he was screwed when yuji entered high school and actually had a group of friends, there was no convincing yuji that the fushiguro kid was satans (gojos) spawn cause when yuji did decide he had friends, he took it very serious.

So whenever yuji did something sukuna hadn’t seen before (it was rare) it always made him irrationally annoyed because he didn’t know what to expect next. As he took one look at yujis face, and he saw pititful look yuji was giving him Sukuna could’ve sworn the vein on his forehead could’ve burst

“Well im sure airi will be thrilled to be able to say the same thing about you” yuji spat out “like father like son, right?”

Yuji began to walk away from sukuna, ignoring the look of complete and utter disbelief sukuna had written on his face. Stopping at the foot of the stairs before heading to his room, throwing a small glance over his shoulder

“You’re proving her right you know?” Yuji mumbled, referring to your worries about sukunas presence in airis life

“Airi is better off without you”

next chapter

[ieatangstforbreakfast]

“Love you a little too much.”

Pairing ೃ⁀➷ Earth 42! Miles Morales x Fem! Reader

Summary ೃ⁀➷ Lovers have secrets of their own, no matter how much they come to trust each other, whether it be a past mistake or an unspoken trauma. For you and Miles, however, your secrets came in the form of hidden identities— one being a masked vigilante, and the other a mastermind.

Genre ೃ⁀➷ Forbidden love, mutual pining, angst♡

Tags ೃ⁀➷ Both are artists, reader is from a very wealthy family, both are living double lives, underaged smoking, reader is female and uses she/her pronouns, forbidden love (ish?), swearing, daddy issues, mommy issues, reader is unhinged, both are mentally unstable, lots of flirting.

Author's Note ೃ⁀➷ oof this one’s a rollercoaster

Chapter 4: Can’t Pretend

Warning ೃ⁀➷ Profane language, fighting, tiny bit suggestive, plot progression, reader can’t understand her own emotions, reader lore

FIC MASTERLIST

Previous Chapter || Next Chapter

“… Then, who– who am I to you?”

There it was. The question you feared the most.

You expected it somehow: Miles' confusion. What you didn't expect was for him to bring it up.

You were a mess, no matter how put-together you seemed to mostly everyone. You panicked too much; uptight, as your mother would describe you. A strange fear of being vulnerable. Your father always told Antonne that his vulnerability would emasculate him, and through that, you solidified a belief of being apathetic just to please your old man.

So your emotions and feelings were mostly caged inside you, festering like rotting meat with its stench lingering in your system.

But for Miles, it was nothing like that at all. It was a fragrant feeling, like flowers budding in the darkest corners of your mind. But you couldn’t pinpoint what the feeling was— like, favor, attraction maybe— but love?

“What kind of question even is that?” You try to laugh, swatting his shoulder teasingly. “You’re.. Miles Morales.”

“I’m being serious r’now, ma.” He deadpans, brows furrowed and jaw tense. You skip a breath, feeling your heart racing out your chest. You shake your head, looking away. “I-I don’t understand what you’re talking about.”

You could sense it. His disappointment— without even the need to look at him.

You were too familiar with the glare.

It's like the question stripped you bare and dragged you through snow and ice. It was unfamiliar to you, who was always so prepared with a scheme behind your back to shield yourself. That was the real you; capable without the help of others, functional even in the worst moments.

But Miles was different, and that was the worst. You allowed yourself to fall, and it was so unlike you to feel the need to have someone— you were too used to being the one who was needed, not the one who was needy.

He calls out your name, and it echoed like a warning call.

"Please answer me.”

"Miles,"

"I just want the truth." He interjects. "I don't want to play these games no more. I'm sick of it. I always feel like I'm deluding myself into thinkin that something's there, that maybe I'm not actually being a dumbass, and that maybe, just maybe,"

He then pauses to look at you.

Don't say it.

"... Maybe—"

"Miles—"

"Maybe you might like me too." He cuts you off. “Because I like you. I really do.”

No, you don’t. Please don’t say that.

A silence. Deafening, striking, and nerve-wrecking. Miles watched you stare into the emptiness, yearning for an answer. He catches a flinch, a twitch of a brow, and a gentle gasp. Your pretty lips part, eyes narrowing as your jaw hung open.

You never cared for love, never once had a heart in need of mending. You believed it was incapable, entirely, for someone to genuinely love you— so before the start could even begin, you could already foresee the end. It always ended the same way: unanswered texts, undisclosed conversations, and blurred out endings you never really bothered to cleanly fix. You thought it would be the same for Miles. Your perfectionist nature never really had to second-guess the outcomes of such situations, yet now you were sitting there, without a plan in mind.

But it’s not like you wanted to fall for him— you just believed he wouldn’t fall for you back.

But why?

You’d always thought it’d be reasonable for you to be unlovable, but for the first time in your life, you questioned your own rationality.

Why do you think like that?

Why do you, the befitting epitome of a people pleaser, think you're unworthy of love?

It was like you were a seven-year-old again, tugging on your father's sleeve to show him a drawing, only for him to glance at it and nod before returning to his work; A twelve-year-old, bursting into tears at the sight of the large C scribbled on your exam— not because anyone was going to hit you, but because you could already envision your mother's unsatisfied glare burning into your skin; a fourteen-year-old, who was never openly praised by your parents once in your life, hearing your father say that he's proud of you for the first time.

Maybe you believed it when they told you that you weren't enough,

Or maybe you were raised to think that you had to work hard in order to be loved— so being loved unconditionally seemed unfair to you.

No. Nothing was yours for free. So this seemed like a trick.

“So?” He plucks you out of your thoughts. “Can you please say something– anything?”

You try to speak, but nothing escapes. Suddenly, all the wit you had was taken from you. Despite the whir of thoughts spiraling in your mind, all you could ever answer was a simple,

“I’m sorry, Miles.”

You hear him sharply inhale. “Why are you apologizing?”

Words are harder to find when even you don’t know what to search for.

“I—I don’t know.” You stammer anxiously. “I-I don’t know what to tell you— I don’t know what to reply. What do you want me to say?” He looked at you, indefinitely frustrated. You couldn’t pinpoint what it was, and it was messing with your mind. Though he stared expectantly, you had nothing on your lips, yet a million words in your mind.

“Aren’t we friends?” You stupendously replied.

“What was that?” Miles snaps. “What the hell are we? Friends?” He repeated in a whisper. “Is that all you think of me?”

Your eyes begin to burn as you looked at him, watching him frown and straighten his lips. You try to scoot closer, but he leans back, avoiding your touch. Though you call out for his name, he simply grimaces— like he was horrified of you.

Like your mother did that night. Wide-eyed, heaving. That night, you’d spent the hours getting an earful from your mother who’d shattered half the things in her room. It was always something about what you said.

There you realized, the coinciding looks of betrayal was the reason why your mother’s face was overlapping with Miles’.

“Well.. Aren’t we?” Friends..?

“Do friends flirt with each other?” Miles snapped. “Do friends sneak out on school days in the middle of the night just to see each other? Do friends dance tango together in sum abandoned subway?— do, do friends do all that shit?”

At the peak of his outburst, Miles wholly softens at the sight of your saddened expression.

Yes. Friends do all that shit, it just so happened that Miles fell for you. Hard.

You watched as he stood up to leave, leaving you bewildered. You couldn’t handle the sight of him leaving like this— it was beyond your sanity. Unconsciously, you reach out for the hem of his sleeve, tugging ever so slightly. Pensively, you managed to finally choke out a reply.

“Hold on.”

His silence plucks your strings. Slowly, you pull your fingers away, instead opting to stand up yourself to face him. Your gazes meet, his head ducked down to meet your height. “Why are you doing this, Miles? You’re being unfair.”

“Me?” He seethed. “I’m the one being unfair?”

“Yes, you’re being unfair.” Your teeth click from your grit. “Just because I can’t give you the answer you want means you can walk out on me like this.”

He scoffs, a smirk drawn on his lips. “Oh, you’re the one lying to yourself, but I’m the one being unfair?” Miles shakes his head in derision. You struggle to contend, faltering from his words. “Lying to myself? I’m not–“

“You’re lying to yourself.” He reiterates with much force. “You’re fuckin’ lying to me and yourself— and I literally just told you not to fuckin’ lie. Talkin shit about us just being friends— sure! Maybe I was just imagining shit, maybe I looked too much into it, and maybe you’re not actually all that into me, but, ma, I know you more than you think.”

The way his voice lowers into a whisper at the final sentence sets something aflame within you. Still, you swallow all what’s stuck in your throat, lilting your head back to heighten your chin.

“You think you know my feelings more than me?”

“You think you know all about your feelings?” He countered. “Friends my ass. You know all bout the kind of shit you pull, ma?” Miles steps forward, eyeing you meanly. “You’ll tell me we’re just friends, but then you’ll flirt and pull me closer like we’re not— and I’ll fall for it over and over again. Then, you’ll spit shit like this, tellin me that we’re only friends n all that, but when I get angry, you’ll tell me I’m being unfair.” With each step he takes, you find yourself further cornered into the wall.

“You think I’m being unfair?” He snickered. “If I’m unfair, you’re a fuckin’ liar, ma.”

Your brow twitches. “Oh yeah? If I’m such a fucking liar, then why the hell are you still here? I’m just gonna fucking lie anyway— why even bother listening to what I’m gonna say?”

His gaze hardens. “You still don’t get it, do you?” He skims over your expression in an attempt to read you.

“Don’t get what?”

Miles stares.

“Just tell me the truth.”

Your gaze narrows as you teemed. “I am telling you the truth.”

“What truth?”

This bastard and his smart mouth.

Miles’ fingers flicker over the tips of your hair, like he was trying to find the outline of your shape in an attempt to fathom if you were real, but it was enough to steal the breath off your lungs.

“Do you really only see me as a friend?”

Rather than a question, it came off like a warning.

“Yes.” You reply, but your head wagged in denial.

“… Tsk. I don’t believe you.”

You feign offense, rolling your eyes. “Then don’t.” You spit, turning to grab your backpack. “If you don’t want to believe me— then I’ll just leave.” And you begin to pack.

“Aight, leave then.” He provokes. You pause just to glare at him, but you start throwing your stuff inside angrily, flinging the strap over your shoulder.

“Keep playin’ these games, ma. Keep lying to yourself.”

You head towards the chain-link fence with a heavy heart.

But his words cling onto you like glue.

Am I lying to myself?

You wouldn’t risk your entire reputation just for one boy alone, nor would you go through great lengths just to see him over and over. From buying a burner phone just so you wouldn’t get tracked, to faking band practice just so you’d get to see him—

No. You wouldn’t do that just for any boy.

Before you could even open the door, your pace comes to an utter halt. With the air thick and cold, the floor beneath you seems to crumble while you take your time to decide. You pivot your heel and head back with a frown etched on your lips. Miles stood there, like he’d been expecting you to come back. It fueled this sort of unimaginable feeling within you— one you could now finally recognize. As you finally closed the inches between the both of you, you look up with dampened eyes.

“What?” He huffed.

“We’re friends.” You flatly state with a cautious finger. “Really, if you’re going to be upset about that, that’s your problem. Not mine.”

Miles wickedly smirks.

“Okay. Say that again.” He inches his head closer to yours as though to mock. “Look into my eyes and say that shit again, mami, say it with your full chest that we’re just friends.”

“We’re—“ You’re caught off-guard with the way he looks into your eyes. “We’re just friends.”

“Can’t fucking hear you.”

“You fucking—“

“Again, ma.”

“Fuck you.”

You latch your hand over his collar just to pull him down to your level, pressing your lips against his in the heat of the moment. It comes off rough, almost vicious, but the taste of his lips hooks you in entirely like an addiction. Miles inevitably melts into the kiss, hands ever-so-cautiously trailing up your waist just to hold you closer.

For a moment you pull away, gasping for air while murmuring something into the wind. With a single hush, Miles cups your cheeks and pulls you in once more, stumbling as you arch your toes, desperately reaching for him. Your lone finger trails down the nape of his neck, causing him to gasp in between the kisses. He leans into your height, bending just to prolong the taste of you.

And when the two of you part, the two of you gasp for air with simultaneous breaths.

An outcome of your irrationality. You’re bound to fucking die at this point.

That’s the thing about love. You can’t pretend.

You swallow, slowly retreating from what you’d done. You looked at him, wide-eyed, the realization hitting you hard like a truck. Though you falter away, Miles held onto your hand tightly. “Oh, fuck nah, you ain’t leavin' without us talking bout this.” Only then, he gently drags you close just to press his forehead against yours. “Please, please, please,” He starts. “Por favor, stop runnin away from me, [Y/n].”

You struggled with a whimper. “Miles, we can’t—“

“Why can’t we?” He whispers. “We ain’t friends no more. This makes us more than that— friends? Yeah, fuck that, and fuck you if you’re going to say that shit after kissing me.”

He’s right. You’re being unfair to him and to yourself.

It doesn’t make sense: your emotions as a whole. Your feelings were fighting against your rationality, your character, but in a sense, it was still too much like you.

In his desperation, he pleads. “No puedes comprender? Which language do I have to speak just to drive it into that damn head of yours? Mujer, moriría por ti. I would die for you.”

I would die for you.

You’d never once had someone willing to waste away their life for you just like that. Everyone’s too busy caring for themselves, and your world revolved around meeting the needs of others rather than your own.

Ah, now you’re a mess again, just like that day you met.

Beneath all that rain, when you first met him— Miles couldn’t see it at that time: the tears running down your cheeks and the smile you were faking. Then, you could hide it seamlessly, but now that mask was cracking like marble from the slam of a hammer.

How could someone be yours for free? Was the world fucking with you?

It was what you’d always wanted— but you couldn’t trust it so easily. You feared that all of what would follow after your happiness would be despair.

“Can’t you at least tell me?” He desperately pleads. “Why? Why? Por favor dime porque.”

“Miles— I,” You struggle to begin. “I-I don’t know how to do this. I’m a mess, and I’m not.. I’m not a good person, not as good as you think I am… I’m not the greatest person out there.”

“Do you have to be the greatest person out there?” He sighed. “The fuck am I going to like about the greatest person out there? I want you, and that makes you perfect enough.”

“But Miles, why?” You squeeze his hand. “Why me?”

“Why you?” He furrowed his brows. “The fuck you mean by ‘why you?’, you being you alone is the reason why I fucking like you.” Miles takes your hand, pressing his lips against the flat of your knuckles. “Who else can it be other than you? Dumbass. Yo soy tuyo, and even if you can’t be mine, I’m yours.”

A confession. His confession— and now you’re a gaping mess trying to process all of his words.

“Just answer me this one time, and on god, I’ll leave it alone.” He vows. Miles then placed his hand beneath your chin, angling you to look up at him.

“Do you like me, ma?”

You nod.

“… I like you.”

[fullsunfilm]

fix | l.dh

haechan x gn!reader

slightly suggestive, angst

found this buried in the drafts, not proofread soooo yeah :)

wc: ~1.2k

---

you wonder if you could have fixed donghyuck. the thought plagues your mind with each waking moment. it knocks at your self-esteem and draws an abundance of salty tears from your pretty eyes he once said he loved oh so much.

all your friends tell you that no, you couldn't have fixed him. you couldn't mend the scars that marred his heart no matter how hard you tried. in spite of the soft touches between silk bedsheets, warm kisses in the morning sunbeams, and the loving exchanges of glances and giggles, you couldn't fix him and his issues.

because lee donghyuck is beyond repair.

that's what you tell yourself when you lock gazes with him from across a busy house party. in an instant, your conversation with jisung and chenle seems to fade into the background as the bass radiating from the speakers is drowned out by the pace of your heart. it's been six months since you last laid eyes on him, but he still has a dizzying effect on you.

the black jean jacket he's wearing makes your brain short-circuit. you recognize it as the one you got him for his birthday last year. the tan peaks of his collarbones look more alluring than ever in his familiar white tank top, the one that you used to tear off him each night. his hair is longer, coming down and creating messy frills at the base of his neck, just the way you liked it. for someone who ghosted you when you needed him most, he seems to keep up well with your preferences.

the world stops for a second when he meets your gaze. even with bumping music and the obnoxious laughter of wasted seniors, you swear you can hear a pin drop. because nothing matters in that moment.

because it's just you and donghyuck. that's how he makes you feel. when you're with him, the worries of the world fry away and become muffled static.

he's always made you feel like this. ever since the day you met him at one of jaehyun's themed christmas parties, you'd been completely enthralled in his carefree nature, honey-dripped voice, and witty tongue. it all came crashing down the moment you brought up your messy relationship status after months of being trapped in friends-with-benefits limbo and found yourself blocked on all social media platforms.

"you okay?"

a soft nudge from jeno brings you back to reality. you force yourself to tear your eyes away from your ex.

"yeah," you hum, opting to focus on the sickening red liquid in your cup. "i'm alright."

you can tell jeno's concerned, but he doesn't pry. instead, he offers you a comforting smile and a pat on the shoulder. "let's find nana, he's probably waiting for us to get back with the drinks."

the two of you collect an array of beer cans, oversized soda bottles, and a few cups of whatever was left in the punch bowl before heading towards a quiet corner of the house. the only noise emanating from jeno's bedroom door is the hushed chatter of the television.

"you're back. i got the tv working." jaemin helps you with the drinks, setting them carefully on the bedside drawer while he sneaks a glance at your troubled expression. "what happened to you? you look like you've seen a ghost."

you can only give him a strained smile. "nothing... i just.. donghyuck's here."

jeno's face contorts for a few uneasy seconds of silence before he speaks.

"i invited him, i'm sorry," he sighs. he looks apologetic as he runs a hand through his messy black hair. "he wouldn't quit bugging me about it, so i just told him he could come.. as long as he stayed away from you and didn't try anything."

jaemin scoffs. "he's donghyuck. of course he's going to try something." he stands to shut the door to jeno's room and plops himself right onto the bed. "but let's forget about it for now, okay? he can't do anything if we're up here watching movies like losers."

that makes you laugh. you nod your head in approval, this time flashing a genuine smile to jaemin and a small nod to jeno, who takes it as a sign of forgiveness and settles in his seat next to you on the scratchy old rug he's had since freshman year.

the hours fly by as the three of you get through movie after movie, making snarky comments and gasping at unexpected twists and turns. by the time the third movie ends, jaemin's snoozing upright on the floor, an empty beer bottle still in his hand. jeno's eyes are wide open and focused on netflix's overwhelming catalog of rom-coms when your bladder decides it's time.

"bathroom break," you say as you stand and dust your sweater off.

"want me to wait?"

"no, i'll be quick." you yawn and slip out of the secluded bedroom.

by this time, the party has died down and the house is quiet save for some soft whispers. you can see the lights on in renjun's room as you pass and hear a few voices discussing inside on your way to the bathroom.

you jump when the door opens. you nearly have a heart attack when you notice who's coming out.

"y/n?"

your blood runs cold. you could recognize his voice anywhere.

you're quick to compose yourself before you turn to greet him, your brain forcibly tugging the corners of your mouth up into a fake smile. "hey, donghyuck. didn't know you'd be here."

his lips twitch a bit in amusement as he examines you. you can feel his sultry eyes wandering along your frame as he takes in the familiar sight of you, one that he vividly remembers waking up to on a regular basis.

"damn, full name? what happened to 'hyuck'?" he banters. his slight smirk widens a bit as he sees through your obvious act. "jeno didn't tell you i was coming?" he seems entertained, a small chuckle leaving his plush lips.

you shake your head and avert your gaze to the floor. you're afraid if you stare at him any longer the last of your emotional resolve will crumble and you'll end up crying. you can already feel your eyes welling up, and if this goes on you know you'll burst into tears.

"n-no, he didn't. but i actually have to go now so i'll just.." you shakily gesture towards the end of the hallway.

donghyuck stops you before you can make your mad dash, closing in on your figure. his footsteps are light against the carpeted floor. he stops just in front of you and reaches a hand up, gently lifting your chin.

"so soon?" he asks. his voice is seductive and feathery.

it's alarming how fast your brain short-circuits when you finally meet his gaze. he's always known how to bother you, annoy you, seduce you. you have the hots for him, and he knows it well. he plays the game of love like he owns it, like he owns you.

in an attempt to escape, you push his hand away and take a step back. "yeah. jaemin and jeno are asleep anyways so i-i was just gonna head out."

he pauses for a bit before responding. his response nearly puts you into cardiac arrest.

"alone? it's two a.m." he hums. "maybe i should drive you home."

"i-i don't think that's necessary, donghyuck. i can walk or call an uber or something. and you've been drinking right? so it's just not a great idea—"

"i haven't been drinking." you feel small under his gaze. "and it's dangerous. just let me take you home."

his tone is more demanding this time, like he knows that's all it takes to get you to give in. he's spot-on.

the car ride to your apartment is quiet, with only the soft chatter from the late-night radio filling the space. you sit stiffly in a seat you once owned as donghyuck's passenger princess, spotting a few remnants of previous affairs in this cupholders and floor mats. bobbie pins, scrunchies, and even a few pieces of jewelry are scattered on the outskirts of his car.

when you finally arrive, you sense him turning towards you. he stops you as you move to unbuckle your seat belt.

"i miss you." he says softly.

it's incredible how he draws tears from you with just three words. the affirmation is all it takes for your walls to crumble completely. it's the last crack that demolishes the dam keeping your watery eyes and emotions in check.

"hyuck.." the first few tears flow down your cheeks. "stop."

"stop what?"

"this. you ghosted me after i told you i loved you. i don't need to be reminded of that."

he sighs, a twinge of annoyance present. "that's in the past. you're still mad about that? it's not even that big of a deal. i mean, come on, you knew we were never that serious, it was less than two years so—"

you cut him off before he can even begin speaking. "hyuck, you really haven't changed at all. you're just like back then. you don't miss me, you miss feeling like you're in control. i'm not there anymore to boost your shitty ego or be your go-to every time you need a quick fuck. i'm not begging you to stay and crying every time i hear you're out with a new girl. i bet you miss making me cry. you're probably really enjoying this now, you fucking monster."

if there's one good thing this interaction is bringing, it's the truth.

there's a sense of catharsis that bellows from your core as you ream him in his own car. for months, you'd been wanting to tell him how much you resented him for leaving you without any answers, but he'd made it clear he had no intention of seeking you out or hearing your inquiries. not until today, at least. even with your answers now, you're not satisfied.

"are you done?" he asks. it feels incredibly condescending, but there's a familiarity to it that makes you whimper internally.

donghyuck always made you feel like it was just you and him. because he made you feel special. because he called you love and swatted off anxious texts regarding your whereabouts from friends and family. because he completely isolated you from the world and made you incredibly reliant on him. he blamed you for anything and everything. that was just who he was. and you learned the hard way that there was no fixing him, no matter how much you thought you could.

regardless, you gave in then.

and you give in again now, pulling him into your apartment he knows like the back of his hand while feverishly pressing your lips against his.

[m00nsbaby]

You think you can write some Steven angst. So basically reader and steven love each other very much and are exclusive. But one day reader sees the body with a women and is so sad. But they try to forgot about it and be happy with him. But their friends send photos of the body with other women( could be Layla or random idk which ever hurts more.) Reader starts to distance themselves. Not cuddle as much, pulling away, saying they busy. But reader comes to the apartment because they live together. And the body is in the bed with a women. And you can write what happens next. Whether steven knows about the other two or has no clue.

hurting steven? that's my cup of tea 😈

Ground control.

Steven Grant x reader.

Tags & warnings. Angst, cheating but not at all. ? Mentions of Marc Spector.

Word count. 2.4k

Summary.

Now I think we've lost it all, There's nothing to explain the distances anymore. All systems are critical, Can't find my way back to you. Feels like there's nowhere to go, I'm just out here waiting for you say; "Don't be afraid, no."

All the signs were there.

Being an avid fan of romantic dramas, you knew by heart the signs of infidelity, but you never counted on Steven Grant breaking every law of logic you had memorized before him and his presence in your life.

Someone who looked at you that way couldn't be lying to you.

"Where were you yesterday?" You extended your arms to him, and he immediately understood the message.

You always worked so well.

Steven hugged you, his entire weight pressing down on you, and you complained only about the pressure, not necessarily because you didn't like it. You laughed.

"I was at the museum, lovey. Why?"

"And after that?"

Still resting on top of you, he propped himself up on one arm so he could face you. He had that confused expression on his face that combined with his usual smile.

He genuinely seemed confused.

"I came home, why?"

You decided to drop the subject there, whether as a silly or rational choice. There was nothing wrong with both of you keeping certain things hidden, right? Maybe the girl he was with the day before was just a friend.

And even though logic told you that Steven Grant didn't have many friends, you pushed those thoughts out of your head when you kissed his lips.

"I love you." Your hands cradled his cheeks, and without him being aware, you analyzed his face, hoping to find some kind of micro-expression that would betray his lies.

His little eyes sparkled, his smile widened until those tiny wrinkles you loved so much formed. You could even swear he blushed at the intimacy of the situation, even after 6 months of living together.

He made you doubt your own judgment because even though your eyes had clearly registered what they had seen, when Steven looked at you like that, you were convinced.

He couldn't be lying.

You quickly forgot the issue, even when you came home early and didn't see him there, or when you felt him leave the bed in the early morning. You knew everyone around you thought you were foolish, but you always preferred to call it rational.

Would you forget the love of your life just because Steven had a female friend? Nah, that option was never on the table.

Unfortunately, your friends didn't forget as quickly as you did.

"Is this the girl from last time?"

Attached to the text message was a photo of Steven with the mysterious girl.

Your stomach churned.

"Are you crazy? Don't photograph my boyfriend like that! It's weird, hahaha."

The forced laughter was a way to cover up how suddenly hurt you felt.

Now, in the solitude of your apartment, you had the opportunity to look at the photo until your eyes hurt. Zooming in on the girl's face, her beautiful curly hair, and her deep brown eyes looking at Steven in a way that seemed disgustingly familiar to you.

Steven, on the other hand, had a barely visible face in the photo, and that was killing you. You would have loved to zoom in on his eyes and finally dispel the doubt about whether that tiny glint of brightness was there.

That would have confirmed or discarded any theories you might have had.

The sound of the door almost gave you a heart attack. You dropped your phone, which bounced on the floor as if you had thrown it on purpose.

"I'm home!" He always did that, and for as long as you could remember, it had brought a smile to your face.

Except now, of course. As if the damage wasn't enough, you stepped on your phone to hide it under your shoe.

"What are you doing here?" He entered, laughing, as carefree as ever.

As Steven as ever.

"I was…" You cleared your throat; suddenly, it felt like you were short of breath, but you smiled. It was foolish of you to assume that Steven hadn't noticed you were acting strangely.

When he approached to kiss you, you turned your face, and his lips landed on your cheek.

There was a citrusy scent on his clothes, completely opposite to your sweet perfumes.

Both of you faltered in your smiles; you couldn't stop thinking about his escapades between work, if he was even still going, and Steven trembled at the mere thought of your rejection.

Maybe you just weren't in the mood.

His theory was confirmed when you turned your back on him in bed.

Steven figured that the honeymoon period was over because he could swear you had been in a bad mood all week.

Not that it bothered him at all. He remembered quite clearly all the times he had promised you that he would never leave, no matter how tough things got, and he also remembered that you had done the same on multiple occasions.

And the truth was, this was nothing to him; something as small as this would never make him consider leaving you. If anything, it was more about the fact that he understood he had to work harder to be okay with you.

You were worth the effort, and besides, he really didn't know what had you acting this way; there could be a million reasons behind it, and probably any of them made sense.

"Look." It was the first thing he said when you entered the apartment.

He was there early, which was a good sign.

"I saw it on my way here." Your eyes focused on the bouquet of roses he held in his right hand and then offered to you along with his best smile.

Butterflies fluttered in your stomach, and although you would have loved to hide your smile, it was impossible for you.

"It's beautiful, Steven." It had been a while since you alternated between his nicknames and his name. He had to confess that he didn't like not always being "my love," sometimes he was just "Steven," but he would deal with it.

Your smile was worth it; he saw you genuinely happy for once in what had been quite some time for both of you.

And although the kiss you gave him on the lips was very quick and short, he felt well rewarded for his small gesture.

Over time, the situation became difficult for him to deal with, and not precisely because Steven wasn't a patient man, but because panic could consume him quickly when it came to his self-esteem.

He was never shy about expressing how much he loved you, verbally, through actions, even in writing, so it shouldn't have been a surprise to you that your rejection meant constant blows to his heart.

He felt cold at night when you refused to hug him back or when you pushed him away slowly until he let go, you stopped welcoming him home with a kiss or rather stopped welcoming him at all, there were days when he would find you asleep when he arrived.

Regardless of whether the sun hadn't fully set yet.

You had also stopped responding to his "I love you." If he was lucky, maybe you would murmur a small "me too." Only if he was lucky.

"I finished another book." He tried to get your attention with a sad smile, and you looked at him over your laptop.

Turned out, Steven and you had this habit where your motivation to read was him. He finished books in days and made the silliest and funniest annotations anyone could imagine; you refused to read books involving Egyptian mythology if they hadn't passed through Steven's hands before.

"I don't think I have time these days." Lie. You had more time than you would like. "Maybe you can lend it to someone else."

Your boyfriend had a collection of similar comments that you had made before stored in his memory, and he wondered what he wasn't understanding.

Were you suspecting something about him?

Steven refused to believe it.

Why? Simply because it didn't make sense, not when his life revolved around his job, the apartment he shared with you, and you.

It would be bonkers to simply assume something like that.

"Just tell me what I'm doing wrong." He was almost sobbing as both of you had the argument of your lives.

You couldn't remember ever hearing Steven raise his voice before, and he couldn't recall ever hearing you so upset, specifically with him.

His questions were pushing you to the limit; he had such an incredible way of pretending he had no idea what was going on that you felt like you were about to explode. You didn't have the strength to tell him in your own words what you knew was happening. The least you hoped for was that Steven would be brave enough to tell you he was having an affair.

"It's her, Steven!" You broke down; your hands were rubbing your face desperately.

And he didn't understand, of course he didn't.

His lower lip trembled in a pout.

"Who, love?" His broken voice made you tremble in your place. "What are you talking about? Just tell me, and we'll figure out how to fix it."

And the cycle repeated itself. You didn't have the strength to refute Steven when he seemed so bewildered by your questions.

That night, you slept in his arms for the first time in a long while, and everything felt like trying to connect two puzzle pieces that didn't fit together. Both stressed, in pain, and with tears in your eyes, wondering how to fix this.

How could you deal with the love you had for him while each day he found new ways to break your heart?

Everything exploded on an ordinary Wednesday as you were returning from work.

When you noticed that the apartment door wasn't locked, you swallowed hard, expecting the worst. What if you walked in and all your stuff had disappeared? Neither you nor Steven were in a position to take extra shifts.

You mustered up the courage and took a step inside, better now than never. You chose to be silent, just in case someone was still inside, and you had to make a quick escape.

Of course, within seconds, the sounds coming from your shared bedroom immediately shattered any theories involving burglars or anything similar. However, this situation somehow turned your stomach even more.

Your hand trembled, your whole body trembled.

Before entering the bedroom, you already knew what you would find, and yet you had to verify it with your own eyes because in your mind, you still believed that your Steven would never be capable of doing something like this to you.

But there he was, still wearing the clothes he had left in that morning, on top of the mysterious girl, the one with beautiful curly hair and chocolate eyes that you could even identify as 'precious.'

"Steven!?" You screamed, finally pulling him out.

"Fuck." It was the only thing he could mumble as he got up from bed.

Had it been stupid on Marc's part to do something like this? Definitely, but the thing was, this game of the two lives was beginning to get out of control. There came a point where he couldn't keep lying to Layla about where he was staying.

You should have noticed that your things were hidden when you arrived.

The framed photographs were facing downward.

"You're the… biggest fucking idiot." you muttered as best you could, tears overflowing from your eyes to the point where neither of them was visible to you. Your legs threatened to give way as you turned to leave.

Marc followed you with the intention of giving you an explanation, even with a deeply confused Layla behind him.

What he didn't account for was that the stress of the moment would cause an immediate switch with Steven. He was there as always, protecting him from an emotional blow while he destroyed Steven's life.

He stumbled to his knees, but his hand still clung to your arm, partly for stability and partly to try to keep you from leaving, because when it came to you, his body reacted automatically.

"Let go of me!"

You couldn't see it, but he was constantly blinking, trying to adjust to the room's light. He felt nauseous as his body tried to understand that he wasn't in the museum as he had believed for a while.

"Love?" He stammered, confused, and you pulled your arm away again. "What are you doing?"

It didn't take him long to understand, though. His disheveled clothes, his racing heart, and Layla's confused gaze behind both of you seeming to be on the verge of exploding.

"Marc?" Her voice made him tense even more. Why did it sound so familiar? "Who is she? What's going on?"

You ignored him because at that moment, you managed to break free of his grip. He was basically chasing you, and it was pushing you to your limits.

"I don't want to see you." You mumbled, quickly grabbing your belongings, money, your cell phone, your charger.

Yes, that one was shared with Steven.

"You don't understand, love, I didn't…" He could barely form coherent sentences; he was only sure that he didn't want to let you go.

And yes, even with the scene you were causing, he followed you out of the apartment.

"I don't get it, I don't know what… It's… I don't know what happened." He sounded terrified, and you wondered to what extent he would keep this facade up.

"Please let me go," you said with a trembling voice as your free hand pushed open the building door. "Steven, you're hurting me." You had wanted to say those words for months.

Only then was he able to loosen his grip.

"Don't look for me, please, I beg you, let me be alone." You managed to put together that sentence without looking at him. Maybe you would regret it if you saw that pained expression again.

He let you go with a horrible headache, feeling like he was about to faint. He sat at the foot of the stairs, both hands covering his face, and his tense body suffering uncontrollable spasms from crying."

Steven didn't stop looking for you, even though a physical encounter became impossible when no one told him where you were staying.

You had to change your phone number when your phone wouldn't stop ringing as soon as you turned it on. Millions of calls and millions of text messages.

Of those, only one caught your attention.

"I'm sick, I finally understand."

And underneath, another message.

"Can we talk? I can explain everything, love, please."

You deleted it along with the rest, and after turning off the phone, you placed it face down in the drawer that had become its permanent home.

Mk's tag list :)

@ninebluehearts @icreatedthisat317am @onefinnedwonder-fm @shousha133

[matd0]

life update ig ??:

hi hi hi hi hi hi hi !!!

ok so

1. i mentioned about having medical issues and some people got concerned so i just want to quickly explain the thing yk; in short it turns out having anxiety can cause heart arrhythmia ????? which can be like kinda dangerous;; but like in most cases it's fairly harmless so i should be alright :] !! still have to go check it out at the hospital (which i have been sorta putting off for a while bc yk. anxiety,, lol) but like other than it stressing me out a bit, everything is relatively fine :]

2. school is kicking my ass rn 💀 have a lot of unfinished work and missed a ton of classes bc my mental health kinda sucks,, so yk it's not exactly going great lol. but uhhhhhhhhhh im sure I'll figure it out ? ig ?? ye.

3. got a small art block. well it's more like "i have so much work to do, how dare i draw at a time like this" (and then just go to sleep bc im soo stressed and overwhelmed about everything 💀) but like. I'll probably get over it soon 🤷

idk i also just feel super obligated to always post super high effort paintings if i have many followers yk? like alot of the time i just feel like my drawings aren't good enough and everyone will like despise me for it;; and idk ig i just need constant approval for everything i do for some reason sjdhjshd. ik it's like. a really inaccurate and terrible way to look at it but i just can't rlly help it;;

uhhh all that to say, i hope it's alright if i post more sketches and unfinished drawings ? ;;

4. i would like to formally apologize for barely responding to literally anything. like. im so sorry dudes;;;;;;; unfortunately i have. very intense social anxiety and literally do not respond to anyone ever. (/srs it's like. a genuine issue in my life. whoops) but like i feel super bad about it bc i don't want to seem like i don't care T_T cuz lik e. i literally read every comment, message, tag, etc. and they always make me so so so happy ;;;;; like i routinely show screencaps of random comment to my friends gush about how nice they are 💀 idk point being; im a loser, i love all of you and it blows my mind that anyone cares about my silly drawings for a p much dead fandom lol.

extra: also i uh made a creepypasta oc 🧍‍♂️might post about him maybe idk im scared it'll be cringe sjhsjsgdhgdhd epic

TLDR; pretty stressed, small art block, school suckz, might die but probably not lol.

(sorry this came off super negative and sort of venty 💀 its all good i swear, im just silly)

[polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup]

Five years ago, after a near-fatal construction accident, my doctor came to my hospital bed with the results of an ECG the night nurses forced on me because every single time they’d ask me how I’m feeling, I’d say “I’m fine” and then throw a dazed mini-tantrum until they’d all leave me to just- well, I did and didn’t know I was dying. However I was feeling, I wanted to feel it alone. Anyway, my doctor told me that if I did not get a blood transfusion within the next 2 hours, I’d die. He called me reckless for not being honest with the nurses. For the next hour they scoured every local hospital for my type (the rarest) and I was painfully alone in my hospital room. Dying really brought some contradicting feelings. I was ready to die, just kind of accepted it. I was panicked but also very welcoming about the prospect of death. I wanted my partner there so desperately that if my body had any energy I would have cried from how scared and alone I felt. I knew if I called she’d make the trip to the city where I was hospitalised. But I also refused to call her and keep her (honestly and accurately) updated on my wellbeing. I didn’t want her to watch me die (which I was so sure I would do because I was in and out of consciousness for three days, could actually hear my heart failing in my ears, and see the the gradual darkening of the peripherals of my vision). I knew she’d hurt, and I knew she’d beg me to fight, and I literally had neither energy nor desire to fight what I felt was a lost battle. I got my blood transfusion in the end and of course survived. I still waited a full day before I casually Whatsapped (yes, text, not even a call. I swear I’m a good guy) my partner telling her that I narrowly evaded death but she’s got nothing to worry about because I was watching Good Morning Britain while drinking OJ. She made that fucking trip, which I wanted and didn’t want her to make, and she stayed for the next four days until I was discharged.

I’m sharing this because while chapters 3 and 4 of Sea Glass Gardens could not go into much details of what it is like to be dying and know you’re dying in front of a loved one, and the internal conflict of wanting and not wanting to be alone as it happens (because this is all Yuuta’s POV), you did an excellent job of capturing what it would all look and sound like to a third party looking in. Even down to Tsumiki refusing to let go of Megumi’s hand. The nurses hand to change the location of my cannulas to my foot and my scalp because my hands were so bruised from them having been held by my partner for hours. Much like Megumi I also have an issue with emotional expressions and declarations. In chapter 8 when Tsumiki asks him how he is feeling and he redirects to asking her if she got home okay, I was reminded of when I woke up to find my partner, replying to her “How are you feeling” with “Why are you here? Did you request time off school?”.

Idk, I guess this is my longwinded way of saying “excellent execution of capturing what it feels like to be dying in front of a loved one, from all the different perspectives”.

So, this has been buried in my ask box for a while, which is unfortunate, because it's a very meaningful message I'm very grateful to have received. It sounds like you went through a lot with this, and I did want to thank you very genuinely for sharing this. I feel like with art we're just banging pots and pans in the wilderness seeing if we get some kind of faint clanging back sometimes.

It's really hard to share these kinds of vulnerable details like this, and I'm grateful you shared this with me. I wish you the best.

[taylortruther]

‘When she was doing better she resented our concerns about her mental health and the fact that we had been there during a very vulnerable time in her life’ this describes my dynamic with my ex-best friend who I was completely obsessed with so well. we were so close for years and often talked about mental health (tbf we were babies then) until things got really bad during covid. we were there for each other, and we would sometimes share things that most people would be ashamed to even think of. when she got better, she became a lot more cagey about her feelings towards the people we talked about a lot when we were doing really badly (mostly our dads really), and I do think that fed into her decision to slowly distance herself from me. i really do think she didn’t want to be that vulnerable with anyone at all. the thing is, i ended up getting worse after initially getting better. we had been growing apart for a year by that point but kind of promised each other to put more effort in after we went a month without texting that summer. when I came back to school in the fall, i was visibly very sick, and she suddenly hated me? i don’t think it’s just because of the way i looked (there was some jealousy with like, doing well in class or whatever, but that hadn’t been an issue in previous years at all), but I swear it played a part. she suddenly couldn’t stand to spend time with me, seemingly got mad if i made conversation, and would openly laugh and rejoice if i made a mistake in class. it was so confusing and hurtful. her resentment eventually stopped but our relationship never recovered. I wonder if seeing me like that reminded her of her lowest times (since our rough patches coincided, even though our issues were different - hers was depression and anxiety / perhaps some other stuff she never got formally diagnosed with, mine was pretty severe anorexia, which she never asked about after the first summer when it started and went ‘is that STILL a thing???’ when i said I couldn’t have something a few months before i lost a lot of weight again), and that was why she avoided me subconsciously? was she scared i would pull her in? I literally never had that issue with any other friends btw so I’m not like that at all 😭 I grieved it for so long, especially because we never had a blowup fight or anything. resentment just built up until we fizzled out. we went from arguably the closest people in each other’s lives to… acquaintances, basically. ugh it sucks. i wish I could hear her side of things and get closure because I genuinely don’t know what I did wrong (this is a pattern for her, but i digress).

ahhh bestie this hurts my heart for you. i won't act like i know for sure what was going through her mind - sometimes you form really intense bonds with friends that end up blowing up for a host of reasons. maybe she couldn't be communicative and was pissed you couldn't pick up on her impossibly subtle "hints," maybe she was too immature and insecure to admit something to you, maybe she felt threatened that you knew her vulnerabilities and felt she had to push you away and be mean to you to ensure she had power/control over the situation... but i am sorry you went through it and i hope you are doing okay.

[writingforcuteppl]

Enchanted (Stan’s Version)

PAIRING: Stan Marsh x Reader

SUMMARY: Remembering can be bittersweet, and each and one of them have been since you were little. That doesn’t mean all the memories are joyful. But in the end, you were enchanted to meet them.

GENRE: Fluff and angst.

WARNINGS: Self-image issues, hints of depression, swearing.

WORD COUNT: 2k words

PART: 1.1 (series masterlist)

4th Grade

Stan was able to see your change of attitude during the 4th grade. You smiled less. You seemed more distracted. He also noticed how your grades started to get worse and worse. He wanted to ask you what was happening, but something stopped him whenever he tried to talk to you. He didn’t know what or why he couldn’t get closer to you. You were alone most of the time. But he knew you were disconnected from the world. He told himself he didn’t want to bother you. That’s why he didn’t approach you. Can a person actually change that much over a year?

Stan found the opportunity to spend some time with you one day during recess. There was this talent show at the school. Kenny, Kyle, and he decided to play a song, so he spent his recess practicing as much as possible.

He saw you sitting at your usual desk, you were resting your head on the surface, and he could see you had your headphones on. He debated whether he should disturb your peace or let you rest, but his desire to speak to you won over. He grabbed one chair and dragged it next to you. The movement made you raise your head from your desk. You took notice of his guitar case.

“When did you learn to play the guitar?” you asked Stan while he was taking his guitar out of its case.

“I actually started to practice and learn to properly play it during the summer.” you looked at Stan with awe. You always knew Stan’s passion was music, but you never thought he could play an instrument. “I actually taught myself. For a reason, it was pretty easy. By only looking at videos of people playing, I could do it.”

“Cool.”

“Wanna learn?” Stan asked you.

“Mhm, I prefer watching you play. Can you play me a song?” you asked, and he started playing a song you soon recognized as “Something About Us” by Daft Punk.

You could see how Stan skillfully moved his hands on the guitar without any problem. He really practiced all summer if he was able to do it so easily. Stan saw you for a moment. You were paying attention to the way his left hand was moving across the guitar’s neck. You didn’t know why you were so mesmerized by the actions. In the end, you didn’t intend to learn, or anything like that, but something in the way he was playing had you paying more attention to his actions. When he finished, he looked you in the eyes, and he was able to see admiration.

“That was awesome, Stan!” you smiled at him. It was the first time in weeks he saw you genuinely smile. His heart fluttered.

“I’m glad you liked it, Y/n.”

5th Grade

“One day I’m gonna be as pretty as her” You were looking at the page from the magazine you just bought where your favorite singer was displayed.

“Since when you started reading magazines? I thought you hated them” Stan took the magazine from your grasp and looked at the same page you were looking at a few moments ago.

“It’s not that I hated them; I just never really understood what they were for until now….” you said.

“Why, though?”

“What do you mean by “why” Stan?” you looked at him, not really understanding his question. Were you really that ugly that you could never be like her? Stan noticed you were pouting, and he realized he needed to give you more context before he fucked it up.

“What I’m trying to say is that… Well, you are already as pretty as her. Even prettier, if I’m completely honest.” The last part came out of him as a whisper in hopes you didn’t listen to him, but of course, you heard it. You felt your heart wanting to get out of your chest.

“You think so?” you were smiling at him.

“Yeah.”

6th Grade

“What are you thinking about?” Stan sat next to you during recess. You weren’t really thinking about anything specific. You were just watching Kenny and Kyle play soccer.

“Nothing really, I just think they’re really good. Shouldn’t you be there with them?”

“Nah, I’m more of a football type of guy.” Stan took out his iPod and earphones and gave you one earphone so you could listen too.

“What are we listening to today?” you asked Stan while looking at the screen of his device while he was looking for a specific song. Stan always enjoyed these few minutes when Kenny or Kyle were far from you because he got to be alone with you without any of them trying to get your attention. Once a week, the two of you just sit down and listen to new music or songs you found during that week.

“I want to show you one song that I want to dedicate to you” You gave him a questioning look, and he pressed play. Bruno Mars’ “Just The Way You Are” started playing on your earphone. You’ve heard the song quite a few times whenever it played on the radio, but you never really paid attention to the lyrics until today.

You were looking at the floor while trying to understand why he dedicated the song to you. You didn’t move at all. Stan started to panic. Was this way too straightforward?

The song was almost finished, and your thoughts were all over the place. Did he feel this way? Was he aware that you liked another boy instead of him? Did Kenny know since he was his best friend? Were you actually worthy of these feelings he had for you? Maybe you were just overthinking everything, and he was just trying to help you boost your confidence. Yes, that must be it. It has to be. The song came to an end, and you stayed in silence.

“So? What do you think?”

“I-” Before you could answer him, Kenny and Kyle came running to where the two of you were sitting.

“Water, I need water” You gave Kenny your bottle of water, but you never stopped looking at Stan. You didn’t want to tell him you only saw him as a friend, so you were really glad Kenny and Kyle interrupted before you could say anything else.

“Let’s go. Recess almost finishing,” Kyle gave you his hand and helped you stand up.

7th grade

“Why the change of hairstyle?” Stan asked as he was sitting down at the table Kenny, Bebe, Red, and you were sitting during recess. “It’s been years since I saw you with your hair up.”

“Does it look bad?” you were ready to let your hair down when Kenny grabbed your wrist before you could do it.

“NO! No, I’m pretty sure Stan didn’t mean it that way, princess.”

“Yeah! No, like, I believe you look beautiful. I can actually see your face. And it just gives you this sweet aura.” You looked at Stan and smiled at him. It’s the first compliment in months that someone who wasn’t Kenny or your parents (well, more like only Kenny) has given you.

“Yeah. Stan’s right, girl. You came today and looked prettier than normal,” Bebe said, confirming what Stan had just said. “Am I right, Red?” Bebe asked her, and she only nodded and continued typing on her phone.

“Stan’s right. You always look pretty, but today ufff, you astonished everyone.” Kenny, who was sitting next to you, kissed you on the forehead, and you rested your head on his shoulder. You looked at Stan and muttered a “Thank you” for only him to see. Stan made your whole week.

8th Grade

“Heard you and Kenny got into a fight” Stan sat beside you. You were supposed to be working on your project with Kenny, but since your fight a week ago, you’ve been doing all the work by yourself. You scoffed at his comment.

“Yeah, he’s just so… ugh” Stan laughed at your answer.

“Well, Kenny can be most of the time, “Ugh.” But on a serious note, you should speak to him. I know this fight is affecting him more than he would like to admit.” you sighed. The fight was also affecting you. You could barely sleep, always expecting him to send you a message, to call you, or to have an excuse to speak to him. But you wouldn’t be the one who talked first. You had pride that was preventing you from doing something. “And by the looks of it, I can see it’s also affecting you. When was the last time you slept properly, darling?” Stan grabbed you by the cheeks so he could take a better look at your tired face.

“I dunno, maybe four, five days ago…” Stan let go of you, and you rested your head on his shoulder. He was right. You needed to mend this situation as soon as possible.

“I will talk to him, but for now, can we just forget about him and talk about something else, please?” Stan leaned in and placed his head over yours. Stan always appreciated these little moments with you. They were rare. Most of the time, you had Kenny next to you. So this was like a treasure to him.

“Do you want my help?” Stan grabbed the book you were reading, getting the information you needed.

“Well, basically, I’ve finished reading and summarizing everything. I guess now I need to make the presentation.”

“How about I help you with that today?”

“Don’t you have to do your project too?” you asked Stan.

“Bebe and I have actually finished ours, and right now, Bebe’s trying to get Kenny into his senses so he can stop being a proud little shit” You laughed at his comment.

“Fine, today, at recess?”

“Perfect, I’ll wait for you so we can finish this project together.”

“Yeah, I would like that.”

Stan couldn’t understand everything that was happening. Didn’t Kenny tell him you and he made up a few weeks ago? He did realize you and Kenny were not speaking. Hell, you weren’t even acknowledging each other.

This was different from a few weeks ago. Before, you and Kenny spent most of your time looking at each other while the other wasn’t watching, but now you didn’t even bother to see each other. You were avoiding each other at all costs.

Kyle was back after a year and was taking all your attention when it should have been him, not Kyle. And not only that, but you looked miserable. Not only him but the teachers and your classmates noticed it too. And everyone knew it was because Kenny and you stopped hanging around and talking.

That was what hurt Stan the most. He could see how much Kenny meant to you. He at least wanted to make you feel happy. He missed your smile so much, but he was aware that he wasn’t going to be able to approach you without Kenny throwing a tantrum. So he started to leave post-its every morning on your desk with compliments that he knew would make you at least chuckle.

He saw how every time you read one of his notes, a glimpse of a smile was visible on your face. Even if it was for only a second, Stan was able to make you happy.

“I swear to god I’m gonna punch him if he keeps doing whatever he’s doing with her,” Kenny huffed as he took his seat next to Stan.

“What do you mean?”

“Kyle. He’s getting on my nerves way more than he usually does. He just thinks he can swoon her with notes to keep her away from me. And Y/n, she keeps spending all her time with him when she should be apologizing for what she did” Stan was debating if he should tell Kenny the truth he found out not so long ago after hearing one conversation between Red and Nicole. And also, tell Kenny he was the one sending the notes to Y/n. Instead, he stayed in silence. He knew shutting up was better than receiving a punch from a furious Kenny.

n a v i g a t i o n

[stargazinginautumn]

What are some of your unpopular opinions about Gossip Girl?! This is like the NJBC---we won't judge you ;) I'll confess a few of mine: 1. I totally get that the glamour, fashion and lavish lifestyles are a major part of the show's allure, but in the fics I'll probably never actually write I kind of love the idea of all our characters being (gasp!) middle class and having to redefine who they are and what they truly value :) 2. The Jenny/Nate ship seems fairly popular here, but I....kind of hate it?! I swear that I'm not just saying this because I'm weirdly obsessed with Serenate---even if Serenate didn't exist, I wouldn't ship Jenny and Nate. 3. Derena was only a good ship in S1 imo. Literally almost every single moment I like between them came that first season, and I wish the ship had permanently ended back in S2. 4. I think Blair is an incredibly layered, compelling, beautifully acted and written character who I greatly enjoy watching most of the time but (*ducks to avoid cyber-attacks*) in real life I would dislike her a lot and even onscreen I sometimes find it very, very hard to root for her. 5. On a related note, I actually feel like Serena is kind of underrated?! Like, yes, she's a freaking mess a lot of the time, but I (almost!) never doubt that she has a genuinely good heart, and I love her despite her flaws. I'm a pitiful Seerena/Serenate stan, but at least admitting my problem is the first step, right?! :) Can't wait to read your UOs!

@another-step-you-take Sorry this took so long! 🤗

I agree a 100% on Jenny/Nate! They had zero chemistry (as a couple) it was just odd, but I would have loved it if they had explored this more in a big brother/sister kind of dynamic (and maybe Dan getting jealous?!)

The take on all the characters being middle class is interesting, but I think the show does thrive a lot on this label ‚Manhattans elite‘.. however it would have been a really cool storyline imho after Nate’s dad got into jail and they suddenly had no money, what if Nate partnered up with Chuck and he made it (not entirely maybe) on his own! I feel like Nate was the one who had the biggest potential that was not really explored in the show along with Serena! If I remember correctly Serena once had this kind of summer job that she got by accident where she was helping with a movie (?) and it seemed this could be something that is her thing but then they dropped it just like that.. everything she had going that was somewhat good the writers did not explore further as far as I remember and I think they really did her dirty in this way and made her look like she didn’t care at all.. (which always annoyed me). But something they did with pretty much all of the characters which annoyed me greatly was one second they teased us with that complicated underlying of trauma and insecurities the characters had and the next one they were completely shallow and did things just purely for the drama.. I like a good drama (in a show) but it sometimes got the the point where it was just totally stupid and pointless.. if you know what I mean.

I agree with Dan and Serena as a couple, they only were nice in season 1 but after that it was just kind of stupid and if Serena wasn’t such a pushover she wouldn’t have gotten back with Dan over and over again..

I don’t know if that is an unpopular opinion but after rewatching a few seasons I really can’t stand Dan and Jenny anymore! Also Jenny deserved better from the writers! They completely destroyed her character after the first season, when she was actually one of the most interesting ones. But then they just used her to add useless drama..

Blair is a horrible role model in my opinion and I really can’t understand why so many fans worship her like everyone should aspire to be like her.. I mean let’s face it, none of them is actually a good role model.. But I will never understand how someone as toxic as Blair has so many fans.. and no, there is no excuse for her behavior, we all have issues we have to deal with and still don’t act like a brat all of the time! I mean she literally sabotaged her mothers fashion show (which could have ruined her), just because she was jealous of Serena! So yeah, I don’t want to hear any excuses for her, she is extremely egoistical and self centered and she literally doesn’t care that she is like that, she makes up excuses for herself all the time but never really changes. I am with you that she is great fun to watch however! She has some great scenes and without her the show would not be as interesting!! I just don’t get why so many fans make her something that she is not.. I mean, have any of them ever met a person like that?! I actually had a friend who was as toxic (and a huge narcissist) when I was younger and I often felt like Serena, taking myself back all the time so she could shine and didn’t get upset, always feeling like you walk on egg shells etc.. it was draining and it makes you doubt yourself all the time! 🫠 This is also behavior that Dan shows a lot and a big part of why I don’t like him! I think Blair and Dan are very similar in a lot of ways. But I don’t like them as a couple, even if they technically would have been a great fit. I guess it was partly the total lack of chemistry between them and also the lack of friction, which would have made this enemies to lovers scenario interesting, but I guess it is due to the lack of foresight from the writers. A lot of the time you really can tell they had no clue in which direction they wanted to go unfortunately..

Also yes, Serena is quite underrated and I don’t get why!? She is a total mess, that is true, but we all know why and where it comes from and she tries so hard to change for the better again and again.. I really think that if she had been together with Nate from the beginning, she wouldn’t have caused so much drama for herself and struggled less because he was kind of a save harbour to her, if you know hat I mean. He didn’t judge her constantly for who she is and kept her on her toes but in a very gentle way which is exactly what she needs!

Okay, lastly a silly little headcanon/unpopular opinion of mine about Serena - she would totally have her own blog or at least a tumblr! Actually I think she would be a real social media queen! Haha! I could also see Jenny making YouTube videos or TikToks showing herself sewing her designs and even making tutorials! Oh and while we are at this right now, Dorotha would definitely have a cocking YouTube channel!!

Sorry if this is a bit messy, I really need to go to bed!🤪

[starlooove]

Ok so like my issue is that I have so many AUs revolving my oc that I can’t give a set story or even anything definitive abt how they fit into the timeline so imma just give interesting factoids or whatever;

-batcat kid but specifically an Afro Cuban Selina so the kids afro cuban

-I can’t decide on a gender BUT for names I’m thinking Simón (like See-Mon) but I change my mind by the hour so

-I think their specialty would be stealth and info gathering on a street level as opposed to online. Like I think they’d have the hiding in plain sight thing totally down and they don’t do stakeouts cause they can literally sneak in anywhere when they feel like it.

-Very sticky fingers. Doesn’t even meant to steal shit sometimes and will even return things to their siblings after they notice. Damian goes through an existential crisis when they return a whole fucking sword he didn’t notice was missing.

-Has abandonment issues in the: I’ll screw u over before u screw me over kinda way, and a tendency to run from consequences. Big moment for them is doing smth wrong and instead of hiding or flat out leaving till it’s forgotten, they decide to just stay and take whatever happens. (Whatever they did doesn’t have to be a big deal, maybe like a knocked over vase or whatever; but it’s a big moment in the sense that they feel so secure in not just their place in the fam but the fact that the fam loves them that they can get grounded and be fine or whatever.)

-split up from Selina a lot when it came to escaping or just general wandering for awhile but they always made their way back to eachother. The kind of ppl that can go months without speaking and be completely fine when they come back (tho they absolutely prefer not to and make it a point to see eachother at least thrice a week when the kid gets older)

-Selina’s vv protective of the kid but also doesn’t want them to grow up spoiled and with the ability to survive if smth ever happened to her. She feels like a shitty parent sometimes bc her kid doesn’t seem socially ready for so many things but she can’t help but feel a surge of pride or vindication whenever her kid comes out stronger after something tough. It makes everything worth it when her kid can babble about how they fought off some thug, even if her heart aches as she’s bandaging their bruised knuckles.

-Twin whips. This is me projecting a bit (finding out ppl don’t generally use two nunchucks on the regular after tmnt 2012 fucked me up) but they don’t feel comfortable if they’re not dual wielding. They can’t use one pistol, it’s gotta be two. It just makes them feel unbalanced and unprotected so they follow in their moms footsteps but yknow they had to double it

-big ole eyes. Slightly unsettling. They’re green and if you look at them too fast you could swear their pupils look like slits at times…

-causes problems on purpose and is genuinely surprised by the consequences

-if they ever got caught and genuinely couldn’t escape, Selina would step in but if she thought they could make it out on their own she’d leave some kind of sign or clue as to how to go about it. She’s so proud when they don’t take her cue and escape on their own for the first time.

-is very used to going unnoticed so ppl who are extremely perceptive or pay too much attention to them freaks them out and it makes them kinda defensive. Someone asking about their day will feel like an attempt at getting them to admit to smth and they’ll respond as such.

-don’t know whether to make them younger than Damian or his age for the sheer comedy but either way they get along with him and Duke the most

-starts picking up the caveman grunts from Bruce and everyone is trying to get them out of it. “Let’s use our word sugarplum :)” “Hn.”

-toxic trait is they expect everyone to know what they’re feeling despite looking like they were etched from fucking marble all the time. They genuinely think they’re an open book and don’t understand why Tim doesn’t get that they don’t ACTUALLY hate him they just said that in a fit of rage and it doesn’t matter anymore because it’s over with.

-very go with the flow kinda person tho. “This might as well happen” personified

-smoothtalker to the max, can lie like a fucking rug. Considering their actual blunt kinda awkward personality, watching them lie so smoothly is almost as jarring as watching Batman become brucie wayne.

-if someone talks shit Abt Bruce it’s whatever and same for most of their siblings but they’ll step for Selina and Jason 😭 (spreading my close Selina and Jason agenda btw)

-tells Jason that if he doesn’t take them on a joyride around Gotham, they’ll let themselves get caught in Bristol and tell Selina that he wasn’t watching their back. They get batburger on the way back

-is very black and white at times and they know that ppl CAN change but they’re also not very forgiving. “Fool me once and fuck you I can’t wait to dance on your fucking Grave” kinda thing.

-big moment is them telling Damian or smth “I don’t wanna be mad at you anymore” and forgiving them for smth big. Smth Abt love being worth heartache and smth Abt how ppl can hurt you w/o meaning too but that doesn’t mean they love u any less or whatever.

-that’s kinda all I got

-OH! They’re darkskinned btw. None of that light caramel macchiato swirl yall always do to mixed kids. I’m thinking Eartha Kitt or Harley Quinn show Selina so they’d be somewhere in there with dark hair. They get strong brows from Bruce (I’m thinking duckytrees drawings of him) and the way they emote is all him.

[jess-le-mess]

Feedist Kinktober - Day 25

(Prompts: Olympian 🏛️ / Kaiju Attack! 🐙)

[Content notes: fat FtM main character; fat cis woman main character; brother/sister dynamics; body issues; weight talk; mild/mutual fat shaming; brief mention of past bullying]

Empira & Dionysus

"You asshole! For the last time, I'm Hercules, not whatever you said." Flynn glared at his sister. How dare she? He'd spent at least fifty dollars on this toga. It'd been hard enough for him to find one in his size, let alone one that was styled in a way that said "Greek god" and not "fat guy in an 80s college movie."

It was the belt, Flynn thought, that tipped it over the edge toward the former. It was a fabulous belt. Brown with a gold buckle, like a proper mythological figure.

And he liked the way the toga draped majestically over him, showed off a bit of his hairy chest, top surgery scar a bit visible---something that would've made him mortified not that long ago, but more and more he was coming around to letting himself be visible like that.

"Dionysus."

"Right. Don't know who that is, but I'm assuming it's a fat joke."

Heather snorts while typing something on her phone. "Dumbass. How could you know who Hercules is and not Dionysius?"

Flynn threw part of his toga into the air, like a cape, in an offended huff. "Sorry, I guess we didn't cover the classics in Engineering school. We mostly covered how not to be unemployed."

"Excuse you, asshole! I am not unemployed! I'm a therapist."

Flynn sniffed. "Oh yes. That is certainly a job. That exists. Anyways, were you still wanting me to give you a ride to the costume party or will you just marinate yourself in the satisfaction of hurting my feelings while I leave you here?"

"No, goddammit, you know I don't have a car," Heather whined.

"You could walk."

"Fuck that," Heather retorted. "And I'm not walking all that way in my costume I'll die."

Flynn stared at his sister. She was sitting in his recliner, her wide hips taking up the whole thing, in a fuzzy pink hoodie and deep blue leggings with stars on them.

"Is your costume 'fat girl on her phone'?"

"Oh, so you can make fat jokes, but I can't? I feel this is sexism or whatever. And anyway smartass, my costume is out in your hallway. I just haven't had a chance to put it on yet because of your miscellaneous bullshit."

"Well, perhaps now is a good time, your majesty?"

Heather grumped, and reached out her hands. "Fine. But you gotta help me up from this chair. I swear to god it's trying to eat me."

Flynn laughed, and pulled his sister to her feet with a grunt. "There you go," he said sweetly, slightly enjoying his sister's frustration as she ambled off into the other room.

*****

Heather returned almost an hour later, in an olive-green tank dress, giant wings with a kaleidescope-esque pattern on them, her eyes coloured by heavy green eyeshadow and glitter, ruffled-looking brown gloves, and her usual black combat boots.

"And what were you supposed to be again? Dion-whatever-the-fuck?" he asked, trying to throw back the snark she'd tossed at him when he came out in the toga, but his heart wasn't really in it.

"It's Dionysus, you loser."

He knew the costume was supposed to be Empira, this butterfly kaiju Heather made up when they were kids. Flynn had gotten bullied by some kid and Heather had swooped in and to the kid's answer of "Who the fuck are you?" said "I'm Empira and I'm here to kill your ass, bitch" to which the kid ran away screaming.

Heather actually got suspended for that, but luckily their mom was a teacher and was able to get the whole thing figured out by the end of that week.

Flynn was still sometimes in awe of his sister. But it wasn't like he hadn't seen her at her worst, or was unaware of her flaws. He'd seen her genuinely anxious; he'd seen her cry; but still, he couldn't shake that feeling that she was somehow invincible. Standing there in her costume with the ornate wings, all five-foot-ten and three-hundred-something pounds of her, not giving a single solitary fuck and ready to take up all the space at the party the two of them were about to attend.

Flynn smiled, unable to keep up the act.

"Why are you smiling like that, weirdo?"

"Do you remember when you threatened that guy? Like when I was in first grade?" Flynn asked suddenly.

Heather laughed. "You mean that little shit Jordan? Fuck yes. Did you see he sells real estate now? In, like, Florida."

"Fucking Jordan," Flynn shook his head.

"Fuc-king Jordan," Heather nodded back.

Their eyes met for a second, and if they had've been very different people he might've given her a hug, thanked her for standing up for him, and for always making sure he was included, even if sometimes he didn't deserve it.

But that was just who they were.

"Anyways, you're gonna have to get that fat ass in gear or we're gonna be even more late!" Flynn jingled the keys to his truck, before jogging off in the direction of his garage.

"Fuck you," Heather called out as she followed behind, laughing.

[lovries]

FALLING FOR YOU

featuring. the dateables (diavolo, barbatos, simeon, solomon).

summary. you're really clumsy, like... incredibly so, they genuinely don't know how you've survived this long.

warnings. gn! reader, clumsy reader.

꒰ ♡ ꒱ ─── DIAVOLO

Did Diavolo take advantage of your clumsiness to play knight in shining armor? Yes, yes he did. He couldn't help himself, you see, because you really did need saving, and if it meant he could get praised by you, then really it's just a bonus. Diavolo always found amusement in your clumsiness, whether you liked it or not.

And right now, his 'y/n-is-about-to-fall' senses were tingling. He heard the familiar sound of your voice calling his name. He turned around, beaming at your form. "Good morni-"

It didn't even take five seconds, your ankle rolling funny and causing you to trip over yourself! You're prepared to come in contact with the polished castle floors, but it never comes, instead you're lifted off the ground completely and into the strong arms of Diavolo.

"Gotcha." He says, grinning smugly. "Are you alright? That could've been pretty bad..."

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm okay!" You say, smiling softly up at him. Diavolo waits, still holding you, but when you don't praise him, he begins to pout. "What's... What's wrong?"

"Don't I get a 'thank you' for saving you?" You chuckle, ruffling his hair, causing him to laugh in turn. Then pushing yourself up slightly, you press a kiss to his cheek.

"Thanks for saving me, my hero~" You say teasingly, but Diavolo's face just grows warm. Ah, your hero? Really? You have no idea what you've just unleashed, Diavolo will now be certain to catch you everytime!

꒰ ♡ ꒱ ─── BARBATOS

Barbatos already has his hands full with Diavolo, but since adding you, the clumsy exchange student, he's been overworking. He didn't mind though, he had no issues playing hero when it came to you, often times saving you before you even manage to get yourself into accidents due to your clumsiness.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Barbatos!" You call with a happy smile, waving and not paying attention to what's in front of you. Barbatos' moved swiftly, lightly taking your shoulders and moving you out of the way of the door you were about to run into.

Your eyes widen, just then realizing the large door in front of you. "That was a close one! Thank you!" You grin, squeezing his hand lightly to reassure him you'll be okay from here on out. Barbatos couldn't help but worry though— he feels that you've only grown more clumsy since he's met you.

"Please be safe." He sighs, and you give him a thumbs up before continuing on only to trip over your own feet. "I-..."

Really, Barbatos should've seen this one coming. He once again makes quick and agile moves, approaching you and helping you up. You've scrapped your hands, but otherwise you're alright. Barbatos shakes his head, taking your hands and giving them soft kisses.

"What am I to do with you, hm?" He asks, peeking up at you, a teasing lilt in his voice. "Come on, let me clean you up before sending you back home."

꒰ ♡ ꒱ ─── SIMEON

Simeon swears you'll be the death of him, as you somehow manage to accidentally miss your seat and fall straight on your ass. "Ah- are you okay?" Simeon rushes to your side, helping you up as you rub your ass.

"Uh, yeah, I guess... hurts," You grumble, wincing as you sit down (carefully, this time). Simeon watches you in horror as you just nonchalantly begin to talk about something else. Didn't that hurt? A lot? Aren't humans incredibly fragile? His heart is going to give out.

"Do you need any ice?" He asks after snapping out of his daze, concern dripping from his tone. You look up at him, and can see the worry written all over his face. It's sweet, how much he cares for your wellbeing, but you know just how clumsy you are and can't help but wonder if he'll ever get used to it?

"I'm okay, Simeon, just sit down!" You usher him to sit down. Simeon still eyes you nervously, but sits down.

"Just how often does stuff like this happen?" Simeon asks, wondering if he should swaddle you up in bubble wrap every morning before you two go out. How much does bubble wrap cost?

You sigh, leaning over the table and taking his hand in yours, smiling reassuringly. "Simeon," your smile drops, a deathly serious look in your eyes that shakes him to his core. "It happens... so often..." Then suddenly your back to your happy self, "Anyways, let's start on this homework!"

Simeon is... concerned, to say the least.

꒰ ♡ ꒱ ─── SOLOMON

After witnessing you trip over nothing seven times, run into several walls and doors, accidentally drop all your stuff, and many other acts of clumsiness, Solomon started experimenting with his potions to find a way to... cure (?) your clumsiness. He just couldn't understand how one person could be so clumsy! Your body littered in random bruises and scraps.

"Seriously," Solomon tsks, "can't you just wait until I finish the potion before doing... anything?" You furrow your brows— potion? What potion? Before you can question him, he begins inspecting you for any other bruises.

"Sol! I'm fine, really!" You say, however Solomon finds another new bruise and points it out. "Okay, well... yeah, I don't know how I got that, but listen-" He puts a finger to your lips, effectively stopping you from speaking.

"Not another word." He says, looking you over. "Just... Just stay seated. I'll be finished soon." He turns around to face his cauldron, a concoction brewing in there. Test forty-three, but he's feeling good about this one!

"Finished with what?" You ask, leaning back in the seat boredly, staring up at his ceiling. Solomon sighs, adding some ingredient you've never heard of before. He's about to speak when a loud clatter sounds from where you are. Whipping around, you pop your head up and laugh, smiling at him nervously.

"H- How did that happen?" You spit out quickly, scrambling to fix the chair and sit in it properly. "Anyways, you were saying?"

Solomon can't help the lopsided smile that grows on his face. At least you always seemed optimistic? He sighs, maybe he'll finish testing out a new potion tomorrow and spend the rest of the day with you and your clumsy self.

﹙ thank you for reading! have a wonderful day! ﹚