#then by golly they might just be darn tootin messed up | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

stephaniedola · 3 years ago

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knowing my dad might make comments or be like "why do you need a cane you're 24" doesn't hurt that much bc hes antagonistic and rude to me all the time and I'm used to it but like

knowing that mom will see me with one, pity me cause of her own internalized shame, feel like its "her fault" and have that one shitty boss's words echo thru the lens of her daughter

that hurts

#thots et al #I haven't really told her about the increasing unmanageability of my flare ups bc idek what to do about it lol #still have no diagnosis to speak of beyond HSD #i have a feeling my GI follow up may uncover more in what could be a tightly connected endocrine web #if hormones have my reproductive system messed up #and they think they might have my GI system messed up #then by golly they might just be darn tootin messed up #its just sad bc i want to tell her about it #and i know she'll quickly come around to the idea of me getting the help i need #but it requires A. admitting to her that its getting worse #and B. looking her in the eyes (video call) when she realizes i need a cane too... and just all the complex emotions that brings #i guess its kinda hard to explain the emotions but my mom REALLY suffered for her disability in her life #she was hurt by her family her friends her employers #so like idk unless you were raised with a mom who just couldn't walk sometimes or who needed to lean on you every time you went shopping #who was in and out of the hospital for surgeries #on and off medications that hurt as much as they help #then its kinda hard to explain the look im fearing so much #she'll just wish... she could have done better by me #but she never did ANYTHING wrong

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