#then I bought 4 books because I was depressed and I needed a little treat.

[flowerytale]

Shout out to the guy who helped me and my friend today on the train, after a creepy guy started to touch my hair and my back in a very disgusting way... I'm so tired.

[rainyfestivalsweets]

Grocery shopping/Food

Inflation is a huge thing right now and people keep asking how to lower your grocery budget. I grew up poor. Here are some tips I learned over the years. Just my opinions/tips:

There are alot of things a person can do to build food stability- IF you have the space and resources.

First one is gardening. An herb garden, a patio pot garden or a yard garden. I also did little stints of guerilla gardening, which is basically planting veggies in weird places. You can Google victory gardens to see how they used to do it back in the 40's.

Also, if you have a house with a yard, consider planting a fruit tree and some fruit bushes.

But as far as grocery shopping goes, if you have a limited budget & are on a weight loss journey, the first thing you should do is stop (or severely limit) shopping from the inside grocery aisles.

Why?

Because these foods might seem inexpensive, but it is really common to overeat those foods. They are designed to be hyperpalatable.

I recently saw an episode of Heavy where the person was cooking 3 boxes of some meal.... and eating them all.

If you buy these foods at all, you need to practice portion control with them. Check the box for the serving size and then divide it into individual servings before you start eating it.

It is really important that you don't beat yourself up for wanting this food. It is designed that way. Your body is a biological machine of sorts and it has evolved to *want* foods that have certain levels of fat, salt & carbs. It is because these are the foods that helped us survive.

When shopping the perimeter, I normally take a walk around to see what foods have volume so a low price. Some suggestions are potatoes, collard greens, radishes. But really, I will try anything that is low cost. Give it a shot and see if you like it.

That is how I starting eating collard greens. Walmart had huge bags of them for like $2. I bought a bag and threw in some greens with every meal. Why not?

You don't need designer greens that are $10 a pound.

So yesterday, the thing I would have bought for cheap and tried was fresh bunches of turnips greens for $1.29, and mustard greens for about the same (I am traveling tomorrow so I won't have time so cook it).

Be curious and explore. You may be able to find ways to stretch your budget using unpopular foods. Unfortunately, the internet has popularized some previously staple foods - eggs, cottage cheese, cauliflower etc. But do what you can with what you have, and use portion control so that you are making things last.

Sometimes you can find frozen foods for good prices- I found pags of peas at Walmart for $.84. Peas! Hell yeah! I added Pease to everything. Peas have some protein and a good nutrient profile.

In contrast, a box of weight watchers protein candy bars were $5 for 4 bars. ON SALE. Ugg. That is a treat option... but those food products are so freaking expensive per serving I am trying to limit those.

Other things I did was watch videos on how people got by in the depression...and try some of those meals. Read older books and see what they were eating.

Our food acquisition has changed dramatically in the last 100 years. People used to do alot more foraging, hunting, & fishing. We don't have access to some of those things anymore. And if you do have access, definitely try those things as well. If you have access to buy food from a farmer/rancher, do it.

Now we have food deserts. But that is a post for a different time.

[7demonhoes]

The brothers ranked from best to worst roommates:

1). Levi:

Honestly? The best roommate. He hardly leaves his room so his mess is usually concentrated there

Still wants to hang out with you, especially if it's related to his videogames

Sometimes you don't see him for days at a time which is both impressive and worrying

You wake up at night sometimes to hear him yelling at whatever videogame he's playing but if you text him and ask him to quiet down he usually will

Occasionally knocks on your door and shyly asks you to talk about his favorite manga/videogame/anime with you, and this boy will talk to you for hoURS

If the wifi is down you have to help him through whatever kind of crisis he has

2). Asmo:

Would be the best roommate if it wasn't for the 0 sleep you get over the weekends from all of the *noises*

you get invites to join him and his "friends" all the time, which is either a good thing (👀) or a bad thing

your closet is his closet. No clothes are safe. Sometimes you wake up to see your closet completely replaced and vaguely remember a drunk and excited Asmo telling you he's your new stylist

you guys always make sure you spend quality time together. Mani/pedi nights, popcorn and terrible rom-com nights, etc

Really good for your self esteem and will Force You to take care of yourself if you're feeling too depressed/anxious to do it yourself

Talks about himself a little too much but hey that’s what ear plugs are for

Showers you in compliments as long as you compliment him back

3). Belphie:

one of the most quiet roommates you could ever have. You're not sure if you've ever seen him awake for a span longer than 20 minutes

Will try to make an effort to hang out with you, but he always falls asleep halfway through, no matter what you're doing

He is always down for some platonic (or non platonic) cuddles

The apartment is such a mess. He never cleans up his messes because he's always too tired. Clothes are strewn everywhere, dishes sit in the sink unwashed, and old mugs litter any open surface.

Belphie always falls asleep in the oddest places/positions, which is almost endearing. You once opened your door to find him sleeping against the wall outside your room, as if he fell asleep while trying to knock on your door

Maybe ignore the yandare personality tho

4). Satan:

He's usually a very quiet roommate, usually reading in a corner of the living room or in the comfort of his own room

Lets you borrow his books all the time but you have to ask first.

If you ever step foot into his room without knocking he will use on or his forbidden books to curse you

Usually very clean, but sometimes you come home to see the entire apartment in shambles. These are the days you want to avoid him because there are more painful things that he could break when he's angry

Mystery movie nights!!!!!

You too play those roleplay games where you work to solve a mystery all the time

Don’t like cats? Too bad. You are never getting cat hair out of your favorite sweater

5). Beel:

-you would love this man so much if he would stop eating all of yoUR FOOD

-like how is he so sweet all the time but the moment he's hungry he tears through the entire apartment looking for a snack?? And he's terrifying??

Like he'll slam your door open with glowing eyes, some ungodly rumbling sound coming from his stomach and just look at it you and say "Food" and you're not sure if he's asking you if you have any or if he's thinking of having you as his next meal (and not in a sexy way)

-Constantly wants to hang out and if he ever thinks he hurt your feelings he would literally explode with sadness

Way too easy to forgive. Is he doing this on purpose?

Literally only ranked this low because of the grocery expenses

6). Mammon

Hey wait a second the *insert anything of some value here* I bought is missing!

Literally have to buy very intensive locks for your room

Nothing of yours of value can be left anywhere in the house. You forget your headphones in the living room? Gone. Your favorite mug in the sink? Poof! Mammon has stolen any object that you may somewhat care about before (and would do it again)

If you can get around the thievery he’s actually loads of fun and you guys hang all the time

Chaotic partners in crime, something about him makes you want to be reckless

Don’t be surprised if you walk in the house and suddenly there’s a bunch of animals running around. Mammon picks them up from the street and brings them inside. He’s taken rabbits, racoons, stray dogs/cats, and birds

I hope you have your rabies shot 

7). Lucifer

If anything doesn’t go his way he throws one of his angry adult temper tantrums. What is the man’s obsession with threatening to hang you from the ceiling anyway??

Everything is spotless and if you leave even a spoon in the sink you are Dead

Lucifer is obsessive about you doing your chores on time but will get super frustrated because “you’re not doing it right” and then do it for you while complaining very loudly

Acts too stuck up to do anything fun with you and then gets grumpy because he’s bored (and unable to admit he’s interested in spending time with you)

You could be minding your own business and he’d come up to you like “Weren’t you aware that you need to brush your teeth using a softer brush?” or some shit

Lucifer’s a good listener, even if he doesn’t want you to know it. You mentioned how you liked a certain bakery once and you open the fridge to find a couple of treats from there with a post-it note with the words “for you” written 

[trvelyans-archive]

okay bestie i NEED to know more about lulu we are simply soulmates ❤️

ofc bestie <3 <3 <3

under the cut because it's Sad :(

sad backstory:

her full first name is guadalupe but she goes by lulu or lu

her fc is eiza gonzalez SPECIFICALLY in i care a lot (dark curly hair with bangs my beloved)

she is diego's younger sister by 6 years

shortly after she was born (a year or so after), their mom overdosed and died :( and their dad was really upset ofc so he started drinking a lot to try and cope with it

(lu blames herself a lot for their mom dying and has a lot of Internalized self-hatred for it)

little baby diego ended up raising lu basically her entire life. their home was more of a home base, but they often spent nights at friend's house or at a shelter that was attached to a local community centre because their home was either unsafe or they got locked out and their dad was unconscious and couldn't let them in, etc

when diego was about 16 (and lu 10), he started working to make them money, so lu spent a lot of time at this community centre by herself. she started taking up yo-yoing and learned a couple of magic tricks (she still has her lucky yoyo to this day)

when diego turned 18 and gradated high school, he bought his own apartment and he and lu moved in there together

but he was really busy with community college and with working, so lu often spent a lot of time there by herself

when diego was around 24, he started working at the community centre they went to when they were kids as a way to pay them back for all the care they treated him and lu with when they were poor little meow meows

but he was still, of course, really busy and lu was really lonely, so she spent a lot of time by herself

she started going out a lot at night, trying to make friends, and eventually started doing drugs

when she was 21, she got in trouble (don't ask me what happened, i still don't know) and went to jail for 2 years

she got back out though :) by ratting on other people in jail. and then she started working at the community centre (which was now entirely run by diego)

some fun facts:

like i said, she is insanely good at yoyoing and her lucky yoyo is a navy blue yoyo with a bunch of multi-coloured glitters in it

she is also really good at card tricks and a couple other basic magic tricks, so when she starts working at the community centre, that's one of the main ways she bonds with the kids

her depression food is chicken fingers (she has a fave brand she likes and knows exactly how long they need to stay in the oven without even looking at the box) and her fave food is mashed potatoes because it's something that you can't really get at a lot of the places they would get food as kids (mainly corner stores/fast food places) so she only ever really had it when they were Welcome Somewhere. esp on holidays like thanksgiving and christmas

her most beloved keepsake is a little necklace with an amulet of Guadalupe on it :) but she holds it a lot ad rubs it with her thumb when she's stressed so the face is worn down and it just looks like a little oval disc now

she has 1 pair of sneakers that she is ridiculously attached to

she HATES bugs

in the outbreak, she starts off with shotguns as her main weapon but eventually moves onto a fire axe (sexy)

she and diego escape LA with 6 kids from the centre. they had a big school bus with all their supplies and spent a lot of time pushing cars out of the way of roads so that they could drive the bus through

she collects comic strips from newspapers in every new town they walk through after the outbreak and has a little collection of a bunch of comic strips (that rival diego's joke book collection - they are a family of funny guys)

she gets an undercut in season 4 of fear the walking dead (also sexy)

[thejosh1980]

(Seems like) Years since yesterday...

Today, 1 year ago, is a special day...

One year ago today was the last time I bought myself a new guitar... I always wanted a Guild, and as I had been touring a lot with The Cashbags I figured I could now afford it. It's blonde, with P90s and as close as I could get to one of my idols, Dave G from The Paladins.

I bought it second hand via “Ebay Kleinanzeigen”, right before a show with The Cashbags. The guy came to the venue, before sound check and I tried it out. I was in love... I bought it there and then...

I played it that night at The Cashbags show too. This was the only show I played my own guitar during all my years touring with the band. Usually I would use the band gear, as it best suited the look the band wanted (and it was easy for me, I didn't have to carry my guitar and amp to and from shows)...

It's also the only show I have so far played with this guitar...

Why?

Well that's cause of that damn pandemic.

You see, that show in Langenselbold was to become the last one The Cashbags would play with me...

I knew I was leaving the band at the end of the tour, which was at the end of April, but COVID had a different plan. It's kinda hard to explain how it felt driving to the show, a good 6 hours, with 1 or 2 date cancellations happening along the way... However, by the the next morning hotel breakfast, the rest of the tour was cancelled.

We lost 6 solid weeks of shows...

But how naive I was. I thought we'd be back at it pretty soon; dates rescheduled, last minute shows would be booked... you know the deal. But in the end, I didn't share the stage with the band again, I didn't get to say goodbye to half the band members before leaving Germany either.

Alex and I had only been married 10 days when restrictions started to begin in Germany. The full lockdown was a week or two later, wasn't it? I don't know, it's all a bit of a blur.

I was lucky, at the time, I had my studio which was all mine, so I could get out of the apartment, walk the dog and play guitar, loud... The new guitar got some action, behind closed doors of course.

You know the story, we started selling up, packing up and, eventually, moved down under...

It feels surreal to think how, at the time, we had no idea how this was going to affect us. It's quite clear the pandemic has brought out the best (and worst) in people.

I think for me, during my time in Dresden's restrictions, everything felt, well, OK. It didn't feel too bad, but I had a lot to focus on. The “goodbyes” to everyone was the hardest thing. I don't remember being under the weather, depressed or sick. I may have been, but whatever negative thoughts and feelings there were, they weren't strong during that time.

I was lucky to be one of the earlier guests on the Blue Note live stream in March, which encouraged me to do my own live streams in April and May. As unprepared as I was to learn so many new songs, it was a good focus, until it got too much.

In July we had “The Josh Fest” which was too much for my emotions. Dresden, I feel the love. I'm so thankful (and lucky) so many friends could come out for one last party. Reuniting old bands, new bands and old friends on stage, it'll go down as one of the best shows in my life. One that ended with me in tears...

When we had the first cancelled flight and rescheduled flights in mid July, I don't remember feeling too bad about it all either. I didn't like it, but our delay was only a week or two. And we had a roof over our head and Alex's family there to support us.

But once the 3rd or 4th rescheduled flight happened it started to get scary and worrying. I remember some really bad days in Meine. I had lost all hope of getting home. We were in limbo, and had little control over the situation. Our health insurances had expired, we were no longer registered in Germany and were worried constantly if the next flight would let us on. So many last minute cancellations, wears one down. I spent quite a bit of my time frustrated, depressed and helpless during those 2 months.

Once we took control, used some savings and bought ourselves new flights, we made it to Adelaide. I definitely felt better by taking action. However, another set of challenges arise, quarantine isn't fun. We were lucky with our hotel, room and food, but it's still tough... Very tough... And I sympathize with everyone who's had to go through it, especially those who are doing it under hardship.

In late September we made it mum's. We finally made it... I'd been waiting for this moment for a year (longer than originally planned of course). I made the decision to move in September/October 2019. I had achieved a lot in Europe, so many amazing adventures (good and challening) that I'll have enough memories to last a life time (if I can remember them!).

I wanted to come back and take care of my family.

When we arrived at mum's, it hit me... I was back! I didn't feel the excitement I thought I would. I felt bad for Mum. Like, shouldn't I have been crying? Shouldn't I have been screaming! “I'm baaaaaaack!!!” In the end I think it was just relief... We'd arrived almost 3 months later than expected. We needed to settle in.

I think settling in took a while. Is it still happening? Even the smell of the fresh salt air knocks you out! Lots of new things to get used to. Integration had begun. Usually I returned home for a holiday, now it was a return for good. This is a full time permanent position.

I did enjoy October through to January. Alex wasn't working, we had time to do stuff, relax... Enjoy the local scene. I don't surf every day, but definitely as often as conditions allow. I did some work, which I previously blogged about. Alex started working in December, and she loves her job... Things were pretty good...

I was, I still am, trying to get over saying goodbye to my puppy, my friends and wondering why I had little motivation to pick up the guitar...

In mid January Mijo, my little kitten, came into my life. Thanks to my wonderful wife, she knew full well I wouldn't decide to get a pet on my own, and on the responsibility to bring some fur into our lives. Damn I'm lucky.

In fact, Alex's intuition is amazing... She always seems to know know when to ask questions, when to listen, when to take action and when to bring coffee. Bless her cotton socks...

However come February I'd hit the wall. I don't know what it is, what it was.... But it's been a little while coming, and hasn't gone away. It did leave me in bed for 3 days, and don't ask me the reason, cause I can't tell you.

I've had a lot of motivation issues... I just don't feel like getting up... I have to, because I gotta drive mum to work and pick her up. Once back home, usually I drink coffee and force myself to do something, anything... I've used the excuse of “training Mijo” that I visit friends with him, but really my heart hasn't been in it. I just know I'd feel guilty if I didn't do anything...

I've had a lot of paperwork to fill out since getting home. Bank accounts and all that kind of stuff... Alex's visa (which is still on going for another 18 months or so). Also local government bureaucratic stuff I have to deal with. Taxes! I'm planning to start studying in April, but to enroll the process comes with a lot of documentation, questions and answers...

So... Lately...

I have distanced myself from everyone lately. Except for a few moments, I haven't picked up the guitar in almost 12 months. I barely do anything. Writing this blog today, has taken a lot of energy and focus to start. If it wasn't for the “anniversary” today, I wouldn't have even begun to type.

To help you understand the hole I was (and still am) in... I have been blessed with a roof over my head, food every day, a loving wife, a beautiful kitten, a loving mum (and family and friends), the beach, the sounds of birds waking me up and (mostly) great weather... But I'm still unhappy...

How could that be? Why is that?

I know I wrote a few times before, that writing has helped me process my feelings. So I figured I'd better try it. Practice what I preach!... But don't ask me how I feel, I just don't know... and it can change in a heart beat.

I got out of bed today, and I did some office work... First time in over a week... Stuff I've been putting off... I'll need to make a few calls this afternoon too... But in between I think I'll rest... Relax...

Usually, I push myself too much... I have pushed myself to the edge (again)... I've been feeling desperate, unmotivated, hopeless, helpless and, well, just plain shit... I know I gotta get out of it, but these days I'm trying a new approach: pull back, relax, rethink, rest and figure out the right balance... So far I am somewhere in the middle....

At least I think I feel better than when I was constantly powering through and not acknowledging my feelings.

I'm my worst critic, and I feel guilty if I don't “do” every day... I gotta “do” this or that... But sometimes you gotta take care of yourself... That is also a “do”... isn't it? Self care. Self love. Listening to your body.

So it's been one of the roughest years in a long time for us... hasn't it??

Damn...

Please don't do what I do and ignore the stress and pressure... What I mean is, there's been so many new things for all of us, so many new challenges, we forget how far we've come. We forget we are still here.

We have achieved so much, even if it's the fact we got out of bed today!!!

We need to be kind to each other, but more importantly to ourselves. I wouldn't treat my pet, my friends or my family as badly as I do myself, so why am I doing that?? It's gotta stop.

I gotta listen to myself when I don't feel up to it, and forgive myself for putting myself first... Rest... Reflection... Relaxing... Recuperation... Maybe then I can begin the next chore... Like filling out this damn paperwork just to get into college...

https://youtu.be/-rkq9ffBpWY - The Paladins - Years Since Yesterday

Thanks for reading,

Josh

[quackeroos]

ONE WEEK || Day Two

Pairing: tom holland x dying ex!reader

Summary: you were dying, and tom still loves you. now he plans on loving you ‘til your last breath, and maybe get you to say those three words back to him.

Warnings: swearing, angst

Words: 3.4k

General Masterlist | Series Masterlist

MONDAY. TIME CHECK: currently 3 am. Tom was sitting on the couch next to y/n's bed. She was already sleeping, the television left open with the remote in hand. Tom had been with her all throughout the day, and he was thankful that she had let him stay. But of course, Y/n had still been distant. She would occasionally ask for things like food, her phone, water or call for Jamie. Y/n's little sister was already passed out on the couch at the other side of the room. Her head laying on a pillow with a textbook in her lap, glasses on and notes open. It was obvious Jamie was dead serious about her studies. But despite y/n giving him the cold shoulder, he didn't mind. After all, he was only here just to help with y/n getting better.

Lies.

Deep inside, there was a part of him that wanted to build the relationship they had when they were sixteen. Where nothing but romance and laughs filled the air they were in. But now, everything turned upside down. Tom sighed and stood up from his chair, making his way towards the cupboards to eat a midnight snack. He passes by Jamie, who was still sleeping on the couch, mouth slightly agape. Tom walked to her laptop and shuts off the device. He pulled the blanket over her, making sure she was warm and comfortable. Tom took out a cup of instant noodles and decided to have it, since it was the only food available.

He heated up a cup of water and waited for it to boil. Over the past few hours, Tom had learned that y/n has been admitted in the hospital since Wednesday, and that she had a daily routine whenever she stayed in the hospital. In the morning, she would read a book while eating her breakfast, in the afternoon, she would go to the hospital garden using her wheelchair and would stay until the sun sets. Sometimes, she would even stay until the stars were out, according to Jamie. But given her condition, she needed rest, which was the only thing she had been doing for the past four days.

In the middle of her routines, doctors and nurses came to check in on her, give her medicine and her food diet. During the time her lunch came, y/n had been picky, because hospital food didn't sit well with her. Tom knew what she would've liked, a big serving of lasagna, a plate of buffalo wings, and a glass of beer. She had a big appetite, most specially for sweets, and if she could have it her way, she would've liked to have at least one day to do it.

Tom took a seat on his usual chair, bringing a foldable table along with him to put his snacks on. He took out his phone to look at his notifications. 5 messages and 2 calls from Haz, 2 messages from Tuwaine, and 3 messages from Sam and Harry. Apparently, they were supposed to be going out yesterday, and the boys had been asking about his whereabouts. He hasn't replied to any of them since he left his phone off while taking care of y/n, until today.

***

Y/n woke up early as usual, at exactly 8:30 am, her eyes would open to a quiet morning. But today was an exception, because she heard whispers and shushes from a couple of people in the room. At first, she thought it was Tom and Jamie, that was until she sat up, only to see three boys standing around her bed. "Good morning y/n!" they greeted, making her flinch at the sudden number of visitors. She honestly did not expect them to visit her, nor did she know how the three men knew she was here. Her eyebrows were furrowed in confusion and disbelief before saying, "What in the world are you idiots doing here?"

"Tom told us that he was busy taking care of something. He didn't tell us that it was someone." Harry wiggled his eyebrows, a goofy grin plastered on his face.

"It's good to see you, y/n." Haz spoke up from the side of her bed. He was holding a balloon that said, 'Get Well Soon!', while Tuwaine and Sam were holding a bouquet of sunflowers and a box of Krispy Kreme donuts. "You Divs! I've missed all of you! C'mere!" Leaning in towards her small figure, the boys tried not to squish her in between the hug. It really has been so long since they've last seen each other in person. They would sometimes see each other's posts on social media and text each other from time to time, but they never saw each other the day after Tom and y/n had cut ties.

It was a touching moment, most specially for Y/n, because seeing the boys made her happy in the most depressing room she's in. "How long have you been here huh? You look like shit!" Sam said putting down the bouquet on the chair beside her bed. "Thank you for the unnecessary comment, dickhead. I was here since Wednesday, and the hospital's been treating me like a baby. Wouldn't give me even a bite of anything sweet."

"Well, you're in luck, darling. Coz we bought Donuts!"

"She's not eating those." A voice called from the door.

Tom had just arrived, wearing a hoodie and sweatpants. He was carrying two bags; one was his backpack and the other was a paper bag of food for him and Jamie when she gets back. "Y/n, you're not allowed to eat anything high in sugar, remember?" He puts down his backpack on the sofa and the paper bag on the countertop table. He turned towards the four boys. "And didn't I tell you guys not to come by without me here?"

"Jeez, you could've thanked us, you know. We looked out for y/n while you were gone. Where were you anyway?" Haz asked.

"Went back to the apartment to get a few things." He pointed to his backpack. "I'm staying here for a few days."

"You're what?" They asked, looking at him then back at y/n for confirmation. She sighed and nodded. "Jamie has exams coming up, so she asked him to look out for me while she was busy. Mum and Dad were out on a business trip, and hopefully, they'll be back tonight."

"So, if you're parents are coming home..." Harry trailed off. "Then shouldn't you be staying here until tonight only?" he pointed towards Tom, who was busy tidying things up. He was oddly quiet and didn't answer his brother's question. So, y/n was left to answer it. "It's kind of complicated. I'll tell you when I have the time. So, how about those donuts, yeah?"

"Oh no, you will not be having those. You are on a strict diet, so stick with it." Tom had taken the box of donuts from Tuwaine's hands before they even got to y/n's grasp. "Mate, eat this else somewhere, please. Or else she wouldn't be able to help herself."

"I can eat whatever I want, Tom. So just stop pretending to be my dad for once and let me have a little freedom." Y/n had snapped. "Tuwaine, gimme some of those."

"C'mon y/n. Why do you have to be so stubborn? You gotta sacrifice these if you still wanna live."

"Well, I'm dying anyway! I might as well die happy rather than letting you and this fucking hospital treat me like shit!"

The boys' eyes went wide, not expecting for her to snap. Tom had let out a stressed sigh. tired because he slept at around 4 am and woke up at 6 to head to his apartment and get the things for his stay, and tired for dealing with y/n's stubbornness. It's only been a day, he thought, what more could the other days bring in the future?

"I'm gonna get some fresh air. I'll be back in a few." He said looking at his watch before grabbing his wallet. "Guys, look after her for me. Okay?" and before the boys could talk back and protest, he was out and gone. Their stare lingered on the door, sympathetically. Before a few moments of silence, Haz spoke first, clearing out the awkward tension in the air. "You know, y/n, you shouldn't be too hard on him. Tom really is trying his best."

Y/n diverts her eyes away from the blonde and stared towards the window. “You’re just saying that because you’re his friend."

"I'm telling you this because BOTH of you are my friends." He held her hand and smiled encouragingly. "Don't be too hard on him. Okay? He only wants you to live a little longer. All of us do. So don't say your goodbyes just yet."

***

Tom got back at around ten in the morning. His hair a little messy and tousled. He just came back from a long walk around the hospital, trying to clear his mind out. He wondered what y/n thought of his sudden walk out. Did she think he was angry? But he wasn't angry, he could never be angry at her, not at a time like this. A sigh escapes from his lips.

During his little time out, he thought of possible ways to keep y/n from thinking about dying, or if anything, her being gone from the face of the earth.

He planned on ways to keep her happy and away from any negative thoughts, he searched on his phone for possible cures for Friedreich's Ataxia, any possible ways that could keep her breathing was all he could think of for the past hours he's been here. Because, no matter how much pain y/n had brought upon him, all he wanted was for her to be back. The lively, amazing, and unbelievably glutinous Y/n that he knew and loved. And to live for as long as she could.

Once he had closed the door, he heard laughs. And it was no doubt that it came from y/n and the four boys. They were laughing at an episode from Brooklyn 99, a favorite of y/n's, with the boys sitting at both sides of her bed.

They only noticed Tom when he sat at his usual chair, with his script for an upcoming movie in hand, his reading glasses on. Harrison took notice of his arrival. "You're back. You've been gone for a while." Tom had looked up shortly before grunting in reply, not in the mood to talk as he was busy memorizing his lines. Haz nudged y/n's arm and nodded towards Tom's direction, giving her the 'go-do-what-you-have-to-do' look telling her so. The other boys also had them, and they mouthed her to 'go talk to him'.

Words got caught up in her throat. It took y/n a few moments to gather up the courage and call out his name. "Tom?"

He looked up from his script, looking at y/n as he sets down the bundle of pages of paper. "Can you take me to the garden? I really need to get some fresh air." Tom looked at the whiteboard with the medication and meal schedules written in black marker. He looked at his watch before replying, "It's almost time for your lunch. Are you sure you want to go now?" Without a second thought, she nodded and smiled a tight lipped one.

Tom stood up from his chair and took out her wheelchair, parking it at the side of her bed. He carried her like a bride, only she was wearing a green hospital cotton gown, instead of an extravagant white one with intricate designs decorating it. Finally placing her on the chair, he pushed her towards the door and led her to the rooftop garden.

She breathed in the fresh air of freshly watered grass and flowers when the two of them arrived. It was morning so the air was slightly dewy. Y/n pulled her jacket tighter to give the warmth she needed and smiled as the rays of the sun hits her face, along with a cool breeze.

The rooftop garden was perfect. Flowers and grass covered the area along with a few potted plants. Benches scattered in each designated place, a fountain was placed in the middle of it and a brick road guided the path.

Tom picked the bench that was across the fountain and where the sun could be seen when it rises. He picked her up again and gently placed her on the bench, sitting at the other end to give her enough space to be comfortable. To pass the time, he decided to memorize his lines and let y/n be with herself and the nature around her.

Y/n looked at Tom as his eyes scan every letter of the script. The glasses he was wearing stood on the bridge of his nose and was slightly slipping, making him push it back every now and then. "Haz said you were working on a new movie. Is that why you're reading your script for the time being?" She spoke. Her sudden question made Tom pause for a little before he replied with a light, "Yeah." And goes back to reading.

"Care to tell me more about it?"

"It's actually a book adaptation. It's a story about two teens overcoming something that they call a 'Noise-germ' and searching for a cure while running from bad guys." He tore his eyes away from her and proceeded in memorizing.

"It's a good book actually, you'll probably like it."

"Maybe you could give me a copy. I just finished a book last night and I have nothing else better to read anyway."

He responds with, "Sure." and closed the topic in an instant. Y/n bit the inside of her cheek, feeling the guilt get to her. Now she felt bad for how she treated him yesterday, today, and how she ended things with him out in the blue. There was a reason behind it all, of course. She still loved him, that will never change. But there's fear behind her love for Tom. She breathed out to release the uneasy feeling inside of her before speaking.

"Tom, I'm sorry."

He froze hearing those words, it caught his attention. He puts down the papers and turned his head towards her. She continued speaking. "I'm sorry for pushing you away, and for what happened three years ago." Her head bowed; eyes glued to her lap as if there was something interesting about it. "There's a reason why I did those things to you. And I'm sorry that I ended everything between us without a proper explanation. It was the only way to keep you from getting hurt even more if you found out."

Tom was silent for a moment. He didn't expect her to say those, he expected for her to push him away even more, like how she had done three years ago and yesterday. This was something refreshing for Tom. He directed his body towards her, his right leg resting on the bench.

"I'll admit, three years ago, you breaking up with me out of the blue? Really shocked me, and it hurt me more than ever. But then I realize..." He sat closer to her, setting down his script on the bench. "The thought of you, gone from this world, without telling you how much I love you? That's my worst fear yet, and that'll hurt me more than you ever know." He held her pale hands, they were cold and soft, slightly thin than they were before.

"I know you're scared of leaving behind the things you love. But pushing them away won't solve anything. I'm glad you let me stay and take care of you. Because, honestly, keeping you alive is all that matters to me right now." He leaned in his head, landing it on top of hers. They were so close, y/n could already feel his breath hitting the little hairs of her upper lip.

She missed having this though. Having him near her, feeling safe and protected, and not having to think about death, like when they were still sixteen. She couldn't remember the last time they were this close to each other.

Tom began again, "So please," as he held her hand in his and locked his eyes with hers. He whispered the next few words. It was a bit inaudible, but it was enough for y/n to hear. "Stay alive. If not for me, then do it for Jamie, your parents, Harrison, Tuwaine and the twins." Y/n could feel her cheeks heat up, tears welling up as he continued.

"I love you Y/n Kingsleigh, so damn much. Don't say your goodbyes just yet. Because I'm not ready to hear that from you again."

***

The trip back to y/n's hospital room was quiet, but it was the 'comfortable-kind' of quiet. Y/n fiddled with the hem of her jacket on the way back. The pair passed by different faces of doctors and nurses, rushing about as they briskly walk through the busy hall, nodding as their eyes meet. "Tom?" She called, he responded with a hum. "Have you ever wondered what our future would be like if I didn't have this?"

"Hmmm... I prefer the word 'planned' actually." he answered back, still pushing the wheelchair.

"Why is that?"

"You'll see, love. Soon." Tom turns the knob and pulled the door open, pushing her in and closing the door behind him. One they were inside they noticed that the room was crowded and is very quiet.

The boys were sitting on the couch, Jamie was standing, listening closely, and there stood in front of her was their parents, both still in coats with their luggage tucked away. Y/n and Tom heard their hushed voices as y/n's parents and her doctor converse of what seems a very serious matter. Out of instinct, y/n held Tom's hand tightly, fear washed over her and she knew what the three were talking about. Feeling the need of comfort, he knew what he had to do. Tom rubbed his thumb over her hand and held it tightly.

"I know that this is a lot to take in, Mr. and Mrs. Kingsleigh. The procedure is risky, but there is an 80% chance she might survive if we do the surgery. I'll give you time to think about it. But it'll be best if we do it within the week to help her control the symptoms. The earlier we do it, the longer she can live." the doctor excused himself as he exits the room.

Everyone wore saddened expressions as the news dawned on them. Y/n's mother broke down in tears as she embraces her husband for support. Jamie lets out a heavy sigh as her eyes wells with tears. It was still unbelievable for them to accept the sudden news, and it pained everyone in the room, most specially for the two. Y/n had to undergo surgery, a risky one at that. And there was a high chance for her to die while on it.

"Mum. Dad." y/n called out, her voice so soft almost as a whisper. They turned their heads towards her and wiped the remaining tears. "Sweet Pea, you're here... And with Tom?" their attention diverted from hers to the man beside her. "Uhm yeah... me and Tom just went out for some fresh air." She gave him a grateful glance, smiling as she does. Tom returns one too before pushing her wheelchair towards her bed and laying her gently on the cushioned bed. Once y/n felt the soft mattress hit her back, she lets out a relaxed sigh.

As she opens her eyes, the sight of worried parents and gloomy friends greeted her, bringing her back to the thoughts she didn't want to talk about just yet. "You heard it, haven't you? From the door?" Her mother asked. Y/n looks away and hums in response. "There's nothing else we can do, huh?"

"Doc. Allen said it'd be best if we do the surgery this week, Hun. You're getting worse, and it'll damage you even more."

She lets out another sigh, and looked up at the ceiling, "I'll take whatever chance I can get. Alright then."

Shocked by her sudden submission, her parents walked towards her bed, hugging her both as thanks and comfort. Tom watched the family in each other's arms. He caught Mrs. Kingsleigh's eyes and she mouthed a 'Thank You'. He wasn't sure what it was for, but he acknowledged it.

Maybe it was for taking care of her while they were gone. Or maybe, it was for putting up with her stubborn attitude. But one thing's for sure.

Y/n was not giving up.

And neither was Tom.

-

day three of One Week

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[bunnitears]

Nervous Habit

{ Reupload because I'm dumb.. don't ask }

Has your mom ever told you to never talk to people you don't know? "Y/N, you can never talk to strangers. You don't know what they're thinking." My mom would tell me that a lot as a child and I've always listened. Actually, it's now developed into a sort of problem.

I'm afraid of men. There. It's out in the open. And before somebody out there gets offended, I want to explain myself, without going into too much detail, that is.

I was hurt. I know, it's cliche, at least in my mind. "A young girl was victimized and was traumatized beyond repair." That sounds like the plot of almost every episode of Law and Order. But, it's my reality and I can't change the past. People tell me I can change the future, and sure, I absolutely can. But do I want to?

Not really… I don't see a need to try and conquer my fear. I'm not interested in dating or meeting a guy for any reason. And unfortunately, I'm just not romantically attracted to girls. Though sometimes I wish I was, I'm just not. And I don't want to try and date anyone I'm not attracted to. That's not fair for anybody involved. I'll settle for having close friends.

Speaking of close friends, the only one who knows of my fear is my best friend Maya. She's a Bengal cat shifter, and even though I'm a boring old human, we've been best friends for 7 years and counting.

We met in maybe 6th grade biology and bonded over knowing absolutely nothing about biology. And not really caring about it, either. We've been by each other's side ever since.

-----

12 Days Until Christmas

Maya and I have plans to go out for coffee and get some shopping done. We've decided to meet at the coffee shop down the street from my house around noon. When it's not too busy and not too cold as the sun is still out.

As I'm finishing getting ready, putting on a final coat of mascara, I see Maya's face pop up on my phone next to me.

"Hey hey!" I say cheerily as I put Maya on speaker. I'm really starting to get into the Christmas spirit.

"Hi…" Maya says. I immediately notice that she doesn't sound too good. Her voice sounds like the equivalent of tires rolling on gravel, just hoarse and crunchy.

"Maya are you alright? You don't sound too great." She starts to answer but is cut off by a coughing fit.

"Yeah… I'm okay. I just have a cold. I don't think I can go shopping today though…"

"Maya, of course you can't, you need to rest. Do you need any help? I can come over if you want." I tell her.

"No, please don't worry. Minhyuk's gonna come over after work. I'll be alright." Minhyuk is Maya's boyfriend. They've been together so long, maybe 3 years at this point. It's pretty incredible.

Seeing them together and almost nauseatingly happy, it sort of makes me yearn for somebody to hold. But, that would mean talking to somebody, and having social anxiety as bad as I do, that's not an easy task.

I can't even order coffee in person. I order online and pick it up to avoid talking to anybody. And before you say it, I do realize it's a problem, but it's easier to be alone. I can look for my Prince Charming later.

"Okay good," I start. "I'm sure with him by your side you'll be up and running by tomorrow."

"Oh yeah, I'm sure. He always makes me feel better." She says. There was an attempt at a laugh, but that just turns into a lot of painful sounding coughs.

"But Y/N, can you do me a small favor?" Maya asks.

"Yeah Maya, whatever you need." And I do mean that. She is my best (and maybe only) friend after all.

"Can you please, please, pretty please woth a cherry on top, promise me that you'll go outside today." I should've known.

"I don't want you cooped up inside your apartment all day long. It's not healthy." I realize Maya is only looking out for me, but I like staying inside and I don't think she gets that. Even after knowing me for as long as she has.

"Maya, it's not a big deal…" I say. "But for you, I'll go out and do some shopping, okay? I'll even talk to somebody."

Do I mean that?

"Okay good! Great! Thanks Y/N, you know I'm only looking out for you. I'll text you later, okay?" Maya says sleepily.

"Okay, feel better Maya. Keep me posted. Bye."

No. I didn't mean what I said. Do I feel bad for lying to her? Absolutely. But I had to. Maya is often my only reason for going outside and if she knew how mad my social anxiety has been these past few weeks she'd be disappointed in me. She may even be mad at me. It's just easier if she thinks I can still go out and function.

I even work from home as a freelance proofreader. I already have my dream job - I'm reading for a career. I love it.

I make enough to sustain myself and put something away for savings. I don't have a car to make payments on. I have no pets to care for. I'm not strapped for cash.

I'm comfortable. I hardly leave my apartment unless I'm actually craving sunlight, but I'm happy with my life.

Although, maybe a pet wouldn't be so bad. My aunt has three dogs and she just adores them like her own children. Seeing her with them makes me think it may be a good idea to rescue a furry friend to keep my company. I've never really had a pet before, anyway.

I think I'll look into adopting a pet of some kind. I've heard they are theraputic after all and I'm sure Maya would say I could use some therapy.

-----

Four Days Until Christmas

"Maybe a cat would suit you better, you don't do the whole… "outside" thing and dogs need to go outside."

Maya says as she takes a bite of her turkey sandwich. Maya is finally feeling better and she asked me out for lunch on this very snowy winter day. I haven't been outside since before Maya got sick a little over two weeks ago. Adding that to the 3 weeks before she got sick that I didn't go outside, I haven't been outside in approximately… a sickeningly long amount of time. I know, pathetic. But I'd never tell Maya about it. She'd get angry and frustrated with me. It's not worth it.

For her sake, I told her I've been out of the house for at least an hour every other day and that seemed to ease her mind.

"You know what, that's probably a better idea." I say before taking a sip of my hot chocolate. I look at Maya as her eyes widen to the size of dinner plates. I can practically see the wheels turning in her head at the revelation she seems to have stumbled upon.

"Actually, you know what!" She starts.

Staring straight into my eyes she nearly shouts,

"You should adopt a Hybrid!"

My own eyes widen at her comment. Adopt a Hybrid? I'm not sure about the social norms in your society, but in mine, Hybrids are tetering on the line between normal civilian and property. As barbaric as that sounds, it's just the truth of the matter.

While Shifters like Maya are widely accepted because of their ability to hide their animal counterparts almost completely, Hybrids are a different story. Hybrids have their ears, tails, scales, feathers, and whatever else they could have on full display at all hours of the day and society isn't okay with that.

And adopting a Hybrid is just not right in my eyes. No matter what you are, Human, Hybrid, Dragon, Goblin, you are not to be bought or sold.

"A Hybrid Maya? You know how I feel about that…" I sort of trail off my last statement because she does already know my views on this subject.

"I know, I know, but it's really not as big a deal as you make it out to be. Minhyuk was adopted and he has a great life!" Maya says enthusiastically. Minhyuk does have a great life. He was lucky enough to have a great owner named Jooheon who treats Minhyuk like he would a brother. But there's so many Hybrids who arent as lucky.

"I don't know Maya. The idea of "owning" another person is so… pre-Civil War-esque."

Maya sighs. "Y/N, I know that you know how badly some Hybrids are treated by their owners." She begins.

"But I know that you would never treat anybody badly. You're an amazing person once you break down those walls! I really think you should think about it. There's a lot of Hybrids who need help…"

She gives me a sympathetic smile and places her hand over mine. I know that there's thousands of Hybrids who need good homes. And yes, I know I'm perfectly capable of helping at least one of them.

I'm just afraid. I'm afraid of not being a good owner for them. I'm afraid of disappointing them. I just don't know if I'm a good enough person. But all Maya asked me to do was think about, so I guess I can give her that.

-----

Christmas Eve

Maya and I spent the rest of lunch that day talking about the pros and cons of adopting a Hybrid and by the end of it, I had made up my mind. I wanted to adopt one. But now that we're walking to the shelter on Christmas Eve, I'm even more depressed. It's freezing out, the snow must be 4 inches thick on the ground, there's people everywhere, and all I can think about is my book nook in my kitchen and the pile of books waiting for me.

Oh, and by the way, I had to make an appointment with a Hybrid Match Specialist at the shelter. They're supposed to help me find the right kind of Hybrid for me. Maya has been trying to explain the different species and subspecies of Hybrids to me as we walk to the shelter, but it's too much information. There's so many kinds! And they're all different in every way.

There's Reptile Hybrids who are better suited for people who like to explore and party. There's Dog Hybrids who work well with energetic, health conscious people. And Cat Hybrids who like someone calm and family oriented. And the list goes on and on.

Maya continues to ramble on about the differences and complexities of each Hybrid species as we finally reach the shelter in the middle of the city. The building in one of the tallest, it looks like nearly 40 stories. Why is this shelter so big, anyway?

I look up at the building towering over me and I'm frozen in my spot, not just from the cold, but from the events that will transpire in less than two hours. Maya continues walking into the building and all I can do is stare up at this building. I may end up leaving with a whole other person that I will be solely responsible for. And it's not just that, what if that person's a man? I really don't mean to be rude, I'm just not comfortable around men and I haven't been in a very long time. I'm horrified of walking into this building and it must show because Maya stands in front of me and takes my gloved hands in hers.

She tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and says, "Y/N? Can you hear me?" I'm still looking up at the skyscraper. Thoughts zooming through my mind like a Nascar race. She places a hand on my cheek and lightly forces me to look in her eyes. She flashes me a sympathetic smile.

"If you really don't wanna do this, you don't have to. We can turn around right now and I can take you home." She says gently.

I know I can go home, all of this is voluntary, after all. I'm torn, I feel like I'm at war with myself. On one hand, I can walk into this building and come out with an adoring companion who will be with me until the end of my days. On the other hand, am I willing to let this person into my home? My safe space. The place I cherish and the place I know I can never be harmed? What if this person has ill intentions? What if they just wanna get out of the shelter and will do anything to make that happen? There's so many things that could go wrong, so many ways I could get hurt.

"I wanna do this." I say with a heavy sigh. Maya grips my hand tighter and pulls me by neck into a bone crushing hug. She says she's proud of me, says I won't regret this. I don't believe her, but I'd really, really like to.

[demigodsanswer]

Okay so this is really stupid. I’m so sorry. But I stopped taking my anti depressants bc I thought I could handle it and I CANNOT DO SO. and now everything is just on top of me and I’ve been pretending to everybody that I’m fine and every thing is a-okay, but my flat is way too messy and I don’t know where to start to clean it and I have a flat inspection that’s come out of butt fuck nowhere and idk when it’s gonna be and I’ll terrified because I’ve been pretending I’m fine (1)

(2) and I don’t want people mad at me and they will hate me and be disgusted in me and I genuinely feel like I’m falling into Tartarus and I can’t. I just. I’m panicking because I have no ducking clue what to do and I genuinely feel sick at the idea of them realising I’m not okay and I’m crying as I write this and I’m so sorry I just didn’t know who to tell 😭😭😭

Alrighty, I am not a mental health professional, nor do I have any other qualifications in this department besides being fucked up in the head myself, so take everything I say with a handful of salt. But here are just some things that might help you cope: 

1) call your psychiatrist or pharmacist and go back on the anti depressants. Depression is a chronic illness; antidepressants aren’t penicillin. There’s no end point where they cure you, they just keep helping you. If you can’t make your own serotonin, store bought is fine. 

Also recovery isn’t linear. If you feel like you are in a set back right now, that’s okay, and that’s normal. Again, this is a chronic illness. It’s about treating it and coping with it, not necessarily curing it. If you manage to cure it, great! But if it come back or you have a bad day, week, month, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. None of this is a personal failure. 

2) People are probably not going to be mad at you. Most people in your life probably want to help you. They want to listen to you, help you with tasks you need to get done, ect. They most likely want to see you feeling better. And if they don’t want you to be feeling better, then who cares if they’re mad at you? They’re shit people. Dump em. 

3) for the cleaning: if it’s messy, that’s okay. Shit gets messy some times. My apartment was a wreck for most of quarantine. But if it’s bothering you, or you want to clean it, or you live with people, the best way to start down the path of cleaning is to do the chores you mind the least. Do you like dusting and vacuuming but hate cleaning the bathroom? Dust and vacuum first. On a roll? Do the dishes. Exhausted after those two tasks? Congrats you completed your tasks for the day. 

When making to-do lists, always make them super specific, and never more than 7 things. So don’t just have one big tasks “CLEAN APARTMENT!” Have three or four small tasks: “make bed, wash dishes, dust book shelves, vacuum.” That way you can cross things off faster and feel accomplished faster. 

And if not everything or nothing gets done? Then who gives a shit? It’s your apartment. Don’t beat yourself up for things that otherwise would have little to no consequences. Work on retraining your thinking; instead of beating yourself up over small things, tell yourself “it’s okay, I will do it tomorrow.” This will really help. This is a slow process, and it’s not infallible, but it does help in the long term. 

I know you said you have an apartment inspection, so maybe use that to motivate you to get things done, but still start with the stuff that you don’t mind to get you in that headspace. Put on your favorite music, podcast, or movie, and start there. 

4) go do something small that you enjoy, preferably outside of your apartment space. I know that’s hard to do with Covid, but go for a walk in your town or park, or go see a friend, or walk to a restaurant to get take out. Or if you can’t go anywhere, read by an open window, or paint, or draw, or write. Something that you love that will move your body. 

5) remember, things are not going to be okay in the short term, because they will be hard. And things will not be okay in the long term, because we will all be dead. But there is a middle term, where everything is going to be okay.

Hope you feel better, and hope this advice wasn’t shit. But if it was, my bad. I did warn you, though. 

[hymn2000]

Where The Darkness Ends - MCU AU fanfic - C6

Story summary: The concept of having a baby has been more of an idea for a long time now. Ideal candidates for a three-person baby, Loki and Tony have finally, after many Peter-based setbacks and challenges, got to the point of being tested. Now, they just have to wait for the results before they can move on to the next stage.

Previous Chapter(s): 1 2 3 4 5

Part of my Frostiron and Spiderson series.

Warnings/themes: family stuff, mental health stuff, hurt/comfort, hospital/medical stuff, fertility stuff, IVF, potentially some medical inaccuracies, alcohol misuse

You can also find me on AO3

Chapter 6 - A Couple Of Vodka And Tonics

-

Thor knew from experience what damage staying inside for days on end could do for a person, so when Peter woke up in the morning, he told him to get dressed and get his shoes on. Peter did as he was told, and joined Thor by the front door when they were both ready to go.

“Where are we going?”

“I need a few things from a couple of shops, and they’re right near a game arcade. I thought you might enjoy that”

“Oh!” Peter said. “I haven’t been to an arcade for ages. Well, not here, at least. We go to them on holiday when we go to the beach. They’re kinda different though. Some of the games are similar, but not all of them”

“It gives you something to do if nothing else” Thor said. “Come along. We’ll walk and get breakfast on the way there”

“Ok” Peter said. “What kind of breakfast?”

“Well, what would you like?”

Peter thought about it while Thor locked the door and they went down the stairs onto the street. At first he really wasn’t sure, but then the more he thought about it...

“Bagels” Peter said. “I kinda fancy the ones we have at school, and I know I can’t have those. But there’s a whole bunch of places that sell bagels in town. I know you can just get one with cream cheese, and that’s a good thing. Especially if you get a coffee too”

“Do your parents let you drink coffee now?” 

“Well, they do when I’m out. I don’t know why. I guess dad thinks a cappuccino or a latte or whatever is less coffee-like than the stuff he drinks. Or the instant stuff”

“An interesting take”

Peter shrugged. “I guess it is. I kinda just drink my chai tea, especially nowadays. I’ve kinda been in to it ever since daddy first introduced me to it. So that’s a pretty long time now”

“It is rather. My, it feels like almost a hundred years ago. It’s been a long decade”

Peter nodded slightly. “Dad’s gonna take me out for tea tonight. We’re not gonna be out too late, are we? Just he always gets to yours at seven, so...”

“We’ll be back in plenty of time for that, don’t you worry”

Peter breathed out, and nodded. “Good. I’d feel awful if we got back late and kept him waiting or something”

Thor rested a hand on the boys head. “Don’t you worry. I’ll make sure we’re back in time”

-

They went to the arcade first. Peter felt a little unsure at first, but he liked being with Thor, and he didn’t want to annoy him by changing his mind or being awkward. They had a little wander, and Peter stopped by one of the big shooting games with chunky plastic blue and pink gun shaped controllers. 

“Ooh, can we play this one?” he said. “These are pretty fun”

“We can play whatever you like” Thor said, slotting a coin into the machine and picking up the pink gun controller.

“Wait, is it ok if I’m pink?”

“Ok” Thor said, swapping places with him and picking up the blue gun instead.

They got into the game pretty quickly, and Peter found himself concentrating enough to forget about his current predicament for a while. 

“I used to come here with Ned” Peter said. “Ages and ages ago, even though it wasn’t really our area. We used to come quite a lot. It’s changed since then, though. New games and stuff. We got the high score on this old pinball machine, and I don’t think it was ever beaten. At least, not as far as I know”

“Maybe we could find it and have a look. Pinball isn’t that old, is it?”

“It kinda is, I think” Peter said. “They’re pretty retro. There used to be a pinball game on old computers. It was on some of the old models I used to have at the flat. I used to spend hours playing it. I was pretty good, but I mainly played because I liked the noises it made. It was kinda nice”

“You don’t really go in for that kind of thing any more”

“No, not really. I guess because I got so depressed after May died, and there’s a bunch of things I never picked up again after everything that happened. I’m not really sure there’s anything I miss anymore. Aside from Ned, maybe. But even then, that’s only when I think about it for too long” he lowered the gun, looking at the end score flashing up on the screen. “I always feel like everyone’s leaving me behind”

“Why’s that?” Thor asked, setting his controller down.

“Well. My parents died when I was little. I don’t remember them, but still. And then my uncle died. I do remember him, but the memories are starting to go pretty fuzzy. And then Liz moved away. We’re friends now, and we keep in touch, but even so. And then May died. I think that one hurt the most” he turned the gun over in his hands and then carefully set it down on its stand. “Then it was Ned, cutting me out of his life. And now my dads are at home while I’m at yours. That was horrible in a different way. It made me think of that bit in The Fox and The Hound, you know, like, when the old lady puts the fox in the car and he’s all excited but then she notices she’s sad and he doesn’t know why, and then she takes him to the woods and leaves him there and he doesn’t understand, and then he gets all scared and rained on. It felt like that... Have you seen that film?”

“Once” Thor said. “It made your daddy cry. He used to cry at lots of films”

“He still does. He cries at books too. And music”

“He can get very emotional” Thor said. “Do you want to play this one again?”

Peter shook his head. “Let’s find something else”

-

Peter stopped in front of the old pinball machine. The top ten high scores were displayed on the screen. There, still in first place, was ‘Peter and Ned’. Peter’s heart thudded as he looked at it. He’d hoped that, if the machine was still there, the score had been beaten. That way it wouldn’t feel so much like a painful memory. But there it was, evidence after the fact. It felt strange seeing it. But it had been like that for a long time, Peter and Ned, find one and find the other. It was that horrible meeting in the cafe with the blue curtains and broken neon sign that had been the tipping point. Or, maybe it was all the texts he didn’t respond to. He wasn’t really sure any more. It had been so long. Too long. He couldn’t really remember. But he knew that deep down, under all of it, losing Ned still hurt. 

Thor put a hand on Peter’s shoulder.

“Are you ok?”

Peter swallowed and looked up at him. “Let’s go and have a look at those claw games. All the arcades we went to on holiday had those play till you win ones”

Thor nodded slightly. “Ok”

They had a look at all the claw machines, but none of them were the prize every time ones that Peter was hoping to find. He pouted.

“That’s no good. I can’t do the normal ones; I always lose”

“I’m ok at them” Thor said. “What do you want?”

Peter thought for a moment, and then shrugged. “I don’t know”

Thor turned and slotted a coin into one of the machines. Peter leant against him, watching. Thor missed completely the first two times, but on the third try he caught a funny smiling toy monkey. On the fourth go, he dropped a toy parrot into the prize return. On the fifth and final go, he got a fluffy toy rabbit with a soulful expression and soft little fluffy tail. 

Thor picked the three toys up out of the prize door and held them out to Peter.

“Take your pick”

“You’re amazing!” Peter said, carefully taking the toy rabbit from him. “I like this one... Thank you”

“You’re welcome. You can have all of them if you like”

“I think you should keep the other two. They can go on your windowsill with those teddies daddy got for you”

“Good idea” Thor said, putting the monkey and parrot in his bag. “How about one of those racing games?”

Peter smiled. “Ok!”

They went over and jumped into the plastic seats at one of the racing games and put some money in. The loud revving and music started up, and Peter couldn’t help but laugh. It felt good to do something totally childish and fun for once.

-

They spent a good hour or more messing about in the arcade, and Peter had a great time. He soon forgot about everything that was troubling him, and instead got lost in the little bit of excitement of something different, grabbing Thor’s arm and dragging him over to this game and that game, his little rabbit tucked under his arm all the while.

When they left the arcade, Peter was still giggling, giddily happy, and was content to wander round the shops with Thor without making any kind of fuss. He felt good, and Thor was generous and bought him a few more treats. He had a feeling it was more of a sympathy thing than anything else, despite Thor not being the kind of man to go in for that kind of thing. Still, Peter wasn’t complaining. It was just good to be able to do something nice.

-

They had a late lunch before heading back to the flat. Peter helped Thor sort out all of the shopping, and then put his phone on to charge.

“I think I’m gonna have a bath” he said. “Dad said we’d go somewhere nice. I’m sure he packed some of my nicer clothes. Maybe I should iron something”

“I’ll do it for you if you choose some” Thor said. “There’s no rush; it’s still fairly early”

“It’s nearly four!” Peter said. “This day has gone quickly. I’m glad we only had a little lunch. Imagine if we got to the restaurant and I didn’t have an appetite!”

“I don’t think that’s going to be a problem. Go and have your bath”

“Ok, ok. I’ll pick out my clothes first and leave them on my bed. Are you sure you’re ok with ironing them?”

“Certain” Thor said. “Run along now. Remember to turn the whistle to the taps”

Peter laughed slightly. Thor had one of those baths with a shower build in above it, and he’d made the mistake of trying to run a bath without turning the lever before, and it wasn’t a mistake he really wanted to repeat. 

“I will. Right, I’ve wasted enough time. I’m gonna go and have my bath”

-

Peter had a long bath, and he felt better for it. He took his time washing his face and hair and body and scrubbing his nails. He knew Tony wasn’t feeling well right now, so maybe seeing his son seemingly well taken care of would help ease the burden a bit. Besides, if they were going somewhere nice, Peter wanted to look the part. 

He dried himself thoroughly, although there was only so much he could do about his hair, which remained quite damp. Still, he combed it out and decided that since it was no longer dripping wet, it would be fine. 

Thor had ironed his chosen clothes to perfection, and set them carefully on the bed. Peter took his time a little, applying deodorant and a bit of body spritzer and cologne. He checked the time and saw it was already six o’ clock. Well, at least he had another hour to continue getting ready. He bit his thumb, wondering if he should wait and get dressed in a little while.

There was a knock on the door.

“Just a minute!” Peter yelped. He quickly pulled on his dressing gown to cover his dignity. “Yeah?”

The door opened. 

“I thought you might want a drink” Thor said, holding a mug out to him.

“Oh! Thank you” Peter said, taking the mug and taking a quick sip. 

“Now, are you sure you don’t want anything to eat?”

“I’m sure. Dad’s taking me out for tea, remember? I wanna save myself. Besides, we had a late lunch”

“True” Thor said. “Well, drink your tea at least. I’ll leave you to finish getting ready. Anything else you need before I go?”

“No, I think I’ve got everything” Peter said. “Thank you”

-

Peter took his time drinking his tea before getting dressed. He was careful to tuck in his shirt and straighten his collar so Tony wouldn’t do it for him. He found the one pair of good shoes he had with him and gave them a quick brush before slipping them up and neatly lacing them. Finally, he pulled on his blazer and looked at himself in the mirror. Well, he thought he looked ok. He looked smart, at least, and clean. Which was just about what he was going for. 

-

Peter checked his coat was hung up by the front door, ready to go. He checked the time. 6.45pm. Wow, the time had slipped away quite quickly. Only fifteen minutes until Tony would arrive. Lovely. He was primed and ready. He straightened is jacket.

“Peter?”

Peter spun round. “Oh! Hi, uncle Thor”

“You look good, little one. Very cute”

“Thank you” Peter beamed. “I’m gonna sit here and wait for dad”

“Ok, well I’ll just be in the other room if you need anything”

“Ok, thanks, uncle Thor”

Thor left him to it, and Peter sat down on the wooden chair in the hallway near the front door. He sat up straight with his feet together and his hands on his knees, the way some of the teachers at school told him to. He kept his eyes fixed on the door, and he waited.

And waited.

And waited.

He checked his watch. Seven fifteen. He frowned slightly and looked back at the door. He waited some more.

And he waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Seven forty-five.

Eight fifteen.

Eight forty-five.

Nine o’ clock. 

Peter took his phone out of his pocket. He had no new messages. He put it back and looked at the door again. Waiting.

-

“Peter?” Thor said gently. 

Peter didn’t look at him, his eyes still fixed on the door. Thor rested a hand on his shoulder.

“Peter, you need to think about going to bed now”

Peter twitched and then turned to him properly. “No! Dad’s taking me out”

“It’s nearly ten o’ clock, little one” Thor said. “It doesn’t look like he’s coming”

“But he said he would!” Peter protested. “He promised! Near enough”

“Peter. It’s late. It’s time to go to bed”

“No!” Tears sprung to Peter’s eyes. “No, I’m not going to bed! What if dad comes and I’m asleep?! We’re going out!”

“If he comes while you’re in bed, I’ll wake you up straight away” Thor said. “But look at the time, Peter. I think you need to accept that he’s not coming. It’s time to call it a night” 

Peter looked at him. He didn’t want to admit it, but he knew he was right. He’d been waiting for more than three hours. He wasn’t quite sure how to react. Part of him wanted to shake his head and sit defiantly where he was and refuse to move. Part of him wanted to throw himself on the floor and scream and kick and shout. And part of him wanted to go to his room and get undressed and crawl into bed and cry.

-

Thor went to check on Peter at around half ten. Peter was curled up on the duvet, crying into a pillow. His clothes were neatly folded on the chair, ready to go if they were needed. Thor sighed sadly and went and sat down on the edge of the bed, resting a hand on the boys bare shoulder.

“I know, sweetheart” he said. “I know”

Peter slowly sat up and held an arm out to him. Thor pulled him close and rocked him gently while he cried.

-

After Peter had finally fallen asleep, Thor went through to the living room and picked up the phone. 

“I’m sorry, but the person you have called is not available. Please leave a message after the tone”

Thor growled in annoyance. “Tony, it’s Thor. What the hell happened tonight? You could have at least let us know you weren’t coming. Poor little Peter waited for you for hours, and he’s been crying his eyes out. If you could only see the poor hurt look on that boys face! I know you’re upset and you’re having a tough time, but how dare you let him down like that? You’d better have a good excuse ready for when you come and see him tomorrow, because a simple sorry isn’t going to cut it”

-

Tony listened to Thor’s message a couple of times over. The sound of the phone had woken him up, and he’d waited for it to ring out before picking it up. He looked at the time and groaned. 

He hadn’t forgotten. Not exactly. 

He’d had a hard day. It had been a weird day, very fuzzy and confusing. But that was mainly because of the copious amounts of alcohol he’d consumed.

It hadn’t been the plan. True, he and Loki had gone overboard the previous night, and slept late as a result. They were going to try to sort things out today. But they were too depressed. Loki was still tired, so he went to his own room and went to sleep again. Tony couldn’t sleep, and the more he looked around, the more he noticed how good those dregs of alcohol looked. There was barely a shot left in a lot of the bottles around him, and wasting them seemed pointless. He just finished the few leftover bits. But then he wandered about, feeling lost, and still feeling drunk, and he kept thinking about the clinic, and the baby they’d planned for, and their little boy, and the horribleness that was reality. And he was thirsty. There was a half-empty bottle of vodka next to the sink in the kitchen. It seemed to do the trick. At least, it did at first. But then that bottle was empty, and he still wanted more. So he had more.

And more.

And more.

And more.

And then he’d fallen asleep.

And then his phone had woken him up. He listened to Thor’s message a third time as he lay on his stomach on the bed. He sighed, and send Peter a text.

‘I’m so sorry, kiddo. Something came up. Love you lots xxx’

He didn’t feel great about it, but he was too fatigued to dwell on it. He turned his phone into Do Not Disturb mode, rolled over, and fell back asleep.

-

Tony spiralled. It just happened. He didn’t bother trying to fight against it or think about how bad an idea it was. He didn’t have to work if he didn’t want to, and he didn’t. He just wanted to stay at home and numb his feelings. The more he drunk, the less he cried. It was hard to overthink when he was fuzzy with alcohol and weak from not eating properly. 

It seemed no time at all before the days all melded in to one and a week had passed. He didn’t leave the house. He didn’t reply to anyone’s messages. He wouldn’t even speak to Loki a lot of the time. Loki was too hurt to be of much use to anyone, and there was only so much he could do for Tony when he was like this. He tried, but he didn’t really get anywhere. He wasn’t giving up, but he wasn’t going out of his way to sort him either. He couldn’t. He spent a lot of time talking to Jo Jo, trying to clear his head enough to at least feed himself and wash his hair, if nothing else.

Tony didn’t seem to notice. He was quite happy to drink himself into a stupor, day after day. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. He spurned Loki’s suggestions of having Li Allen visit, or to go to a therapist, or a support group, or have a doctor come to see him. He was drinking too much to think straight, or make any effort at any type of recovery, and in his mind, he was perfectly fine just doing his own thing. One thing he did know, however, was that he didn’t want anyone interfering.

On the tenth day, Loki watched his husband washing down a packet of biscuits with a bottle of vodka, and he felt so tired and worn down and hopeless. He’d been trying to do things the right way, to come to terms with his infertility and the loss of the baby that never was, but he didn’t seem to be getting anywhere. So he picked up a bottle of Archers and started drinking too.

And all the while this was going on, every afternoon, at Thor’s flat, Peter would refuse to eat. Every evening, Peter would have a bath and get himself dried and dressed up, shoes and jacket on, ready to go. And every evening, at six thirty sharp, he would sit on the wooden chair in the hallway, hands on his knees and eyes on the door, waiting for his dad. And every night at ten o’ clock, Thor would put a hand on the boys shoulder, and he’d be forced to haul himself up and go to his room. And he’d get undressed and fold his clothes carefully and put them on the chair. And then he’d turn the lights out and crawl into bed and sob and howl and wail until he’d eventually cried himself to sleep.

*

[donnerpartyofone]

21 Questions

Tagged by @getoutofmyhouse who had oddly similar answers to mine

Nickname: only the one I use here, that I gave myself--Claire Donner, which has to do with my famous love of cannibalism. Claire is my real first name, though.

Zodiac: I am so very cuspy. I was born at about a quarter to midnight on April 20, so I tend to relate to, and feel insulted by, the suppositions about Aries and Taurus equally. I’m one of those jerks who will tell you astrology is a bunch of hoo ha...and then drone on with my Many Esoteric Ideas about it, so I’ll just stop myself right here.

Height: 5’ nuthin is what I prefer to say...because saying I’m 5 and 3/4′ sounds a little like saying I’m 10 and a half years old.

Amount of sleep: It’s all fucked up. Until I got into my 30s I could, and would prefer to, sleep endlessly. Now I go to bed around 10 (depression), get up around 5 or 6 (being old), and for extra fun, I’ve developed this insomnia that often keeps me up from about 2am-5am. I try make the most of it by getting up, getting high, watching a movie or two, writing...basically just having a secret private day by myself. I’d really rather go back to just sleeping constantly though.

Last movie I saw: I saw GRETA in theaters tonight, which was ok. I guess I thought any Neil Jordan film would be headier than this, but watching Isabel Huppert just running around acting like an absolute maniac is a rare treat! My last video experience was RAW, which I put on to bother my husband right when we got home from the theater. (I think he liked it more than I originally did, to my surprise)

Last thing I googled: The correct spelling of Sylvia Likens’ last name. I’m obsessed with this type of crime where a group of people (usually a family and/or some of their friends and neighbors) fall into some kind of shared hysteria where they protractedly torture to death an acquaintance for no particular reason. Some times there’s an element of mystery as to why the victim didn’t leave while they were still able to, which suggests to me that the murdered person was just as much a victim of the groupthink as the perpetrators. Other example victims include Suzanne Capper, Vera Jo Reigle, and I think to some degree Sophie Lionnet, James Bulger, and Junko Furuta. (Also a crime they briefly discuss in the book Lords of Chaos, where several people murder a friend in their trailer, but I can’t remember it specifically enough to look up the names--the other last thing i tried to google) I keep thinking there should be a psychiatric and/or legal term for this kind of crime, but I’ve never heard one, so let me know if you got one!

Favorite musician: I have trouble with questions that involve ranking anything, so I’ll just say that right now I’m listening to a lot of old White Zombie. I didn’t know anything about their origins as an East Village noise band, and I’m fascinated by the stories about how apocalyptically miserable it was to be in that group. I’m increasingly obsessed with people who work their asses off doing something they barely even enjoy, for what must be borderline spiritual reasons.

Song stuck in my head: Nothing right this second, for which I am very grateful. There’s something awful in my brain that causes me to wake up with some maddening, babyish tune stuck in my head more often than not. It is most frequently the Ten Little Indians nursery rhyme. This is literally killing me.

Other blogs: @anhed-nia, which started as a dumping ground for long posts about mental illness, and turned into almost only movie writing. at some point there was just so much movie shit that i started to feel awkward about posting anything personal there again. i also got @getoffyrass which is a group blog, and a repository for images that make great drawing references. everyone is encouraged to post their drawings, too, although it is seldom used. i still like having it around, for when i have time to draw. my “real” drawing blog is @neveratendermoment but i don’t draw often enough anymore...

Do I get asks: i used to get tons! i really enjoy them, even the trolls to some degree. i must have seemed like more of a regular tumblr geek girl back in the day. also tumblr has just changed a lot since then. my blog was definitely a casualty of Best Stuff First, i think my follower count stopped dead forever right when that happened, and now that practically every single fucking thing on this entire site is either fandom shit or *discourse*, i really have nothing to offer tumblr anymore, anyway.

Blogs following: 1,057. 

Lucky numbers: 2! Also 5.

What I’m wearing: black wool long john pants from Chrome, and a white v neck teeshirt with the words BLACK MAYONNAISE on it in black Rocky Horror font. i live near the notoriously toxic Gowanus Canal, and “black mayonnaise” is the actual term used to describe what’s on the bottom of it, by the scientists who are trying to figure out what to do with it.

Dream trip: i am really excited by travel, it’s hard to pick. i’m hopefully making a dream trip soon though: my father’s mysterious finno-swedish family is from the åland islands, and my husband and i will be planning part of our honeymoon there, whenever that happens.

Dream Job: i think about this a lot, because the older i get, the more i object to the entire concept of having to work to live. i’m into the whole universal basic income thing. i’m at this point where i can barely stand to think about capitalism in any way--like i think about how the need for money is so mortally serious that there’s a lot of physical stuff in the world that only exists because someone was scared of starving, tons of useless products and packaging and factory byproducts and all kinds of fucking straight up garbage that was only invented due to the lethality of poorness. i would rather be left totally alone forever if possible. however, if i HAD to do something and i COULD do anything, it would probably be film criticism. this fantasy takes place in a world where people care so much about what i have to say that i can make a career, not only out of movie writing, but out of only writing about the specific movies i want to write about, referring to nothing other than my personal reactions.

Favorite food: i wish the answer weren’t just “cheese”, but it probably is. also mushrooms. anything cinnamon. i’m a pretty adventurous eater though. the most important thing for me is a variety of flavors and textures.

Languages: english. i took several years of italian in junior high-high school, and did nothing with it. i taught myself to read french pretty fluently, but i would fold right up if someone tried to speak to me. i learned a bunch of swedish on duolingo, shoulda kept it up. i’ll get back to it! i really regret never learning spanish though, so i’m easily torn on what to do with my time.

Play any instruments: clarinet in junior high/high school, also alto sax which i did not enjoy at all, a little guitar. i bought a used electric bass last year that i have really been enjoying, but i feel a lot of guilt around not playing enough. so much of it is just strength training. that’s probably what i like about it, though. also i got a lot of electronic music software and midi controllers and stuff...and then i realized that it could take me months to sort through the thousands of samples i have to program this stuff, and i only got so far into it before i started to get discouraged. i need to get back to it, it’s ridiculous to let that stuff lie around. this is a rare example of me wishing i knew someone local to play with, who could speed me along on how everything works.

Favorite songs: another one of these impossible questions! anybody who is even reading this can probably guess the answers from the handful of music posts i reblog over and over and over. the other night i got all hyperactive and forced my husband to drop everything and listen to “buffalo stance” by nene cherry, which i never ever get sick of. real top contenders for favorite song might be “Stand By the Jamms” by the klf, and this recording, which has gotten me through many difficult hours:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8k1HsF3EvY

https://www.forcedexposure.com/Catalog/sunray-sonic-boom-music-for-the-dreamachine-cd/STRAWB.003CD.html

Random fact: i’m sure i’m missing out on something really funny and cool, but for now it’s just the well-known fact that i read palms.

Describe yourself as aesthetic thing: man, how do i answer this without being totally pretentious? maybe nobody can! i’m coming up with something really hard to describe but it will be worth it. the other day i watched this insane, completely unnecessary movie about lorca and salvador dali (played by robert pattinson) as gay lovers. there’s a scene in it where lorca does that “pick a hand” thing to dali, and dali picks an empty hand. of course, they’re both poor students who couldn’t be buying any gifts, so they do this obnoxious pantomime where dali pretends lorca actually gave him something--but then it turns out that lorca really DOES have something. he opens his other hand and gives dali...SOMETHING. i don’t know what! they make such a big deal out of it, but what the hell? you see it for a second in this closeup, but it’s shot from like, behind and slightly underneath, and it is just unrecognizable. it’s sort of an orange blob? it’s probably meant to be a sculpture. but, i love the idea of doing the “pick a hand” thing to somebody, and the other person is just like...hey wait a minute, what the fuck even IS this?? 

it reminded me of one of the most amazing things anyone ever did at my school, bard college. this genius art student who I WISH I COULD NAME TO CREDIT HER did her senior project as this like...made up product. i saw them at the senior show, hanging off a spinner rack, like you’d see next to the register in the drug store. they were called Toilet Buddies. they were these plastic, brightly colored objects that looked like toys, but they didn’t have a familiar earthly shape, and because of the title, it was IMPOSSIBLE to imagine what to do with them. so, she gets the lipstick cam from the film department, and shoots this video of herself sneaking some Toilet Buddies into Walmart. then she takes them to the register and BUYS THEM--the baffled cashier looks for them for a while, and eventually just rings them up as a general grocery or something. then in part 2, the artist TAKES THEM BACK TO THE STORE WITH THE RECEIPT AND GETS A REFUND.

so anyway, i see myself as like a fake product--something that looks just familiar enough to exit, and that appears to have a designated purpose, but it’s just kind of cheap and foreign and it becomes nightmarish to try to imagine what to do with it. 

I don’t know if anyone i know will want to do this, but i tag @negativepleasure @moviesludge @former-contender @dimestoreman @thefuzzydave @darkarfs @theoddsideofme @blueruins ...um, i don’t really know who would enjoy this. the ultimate would be @garbagenacht

[insanegiganticsquirrl]

Advice for Highschool Freshman

I crawled my way through the first year of high school so I thought I could give some tips ive picked up. Clichè as some of these are, it’s what I’ve learned. I had a lot of anxiety and I didn’t know what to expect so if you’re in the same boat I was, stick around  👉😎👉

Part 1: First day(s) of highschool

Buy the basics and adjust as you go. I bought I think 5 or 6 notebooks. Don’t do that. buy ~2 because every teacher has a different teaching method.Also get a pack of loose leaf.

Go the first day with simple things. Show up with a small backpack (or some kind of light bag) with only a notebook and some pencils. You’re probably gonna get some forums so use the book as a kind of folder. Dress comfortable and light clothes because best to not come uncomfy.

Part 2: School work, grades, etc

Learn to work efficiently. Have a clear plan of what you’ll do homework wise and study wise. Try out different ways. Procrastinating is inevitable but don’t let it drag on. If you don’t get the hang of things now it won’t get easier.

June. Will. Be. Hell. Obviously I’m exaggerating but it was hell for me. Sure there’s summer break in just a bit, but before that, EXAM TIME. Try to start reviewing some of your harder subjects in May. Try to knock your work ethic out of the park the last two months.  

Clubs aren’t dumb. You should try them. Take up something new and see if it interests you. Don’t force yourself, but don’t keep yourself back. Outside of your work, it’s important to try and have fun in high school.

Part 3: Social Life

Don’t overthink social situations. If you’re going from middle school to high school, the biggest changes when it comes to students is age. So don’t be intimidated by the older grades. Don’t treat them differently b/c of their age. Don’t go out of your way to impress them but don’t shy away.

Don’t get peer pressured. Do things because you want to, not because people think you should. The only reason why you should change something people tell you to is if it’s hurting others or yourself. 

Drama is useless. I never got involved but all it does is make up white noise in a conversation. It only hurts the people involved. Be the bigger person, leave personal lives alone, and don’t make a big deal about super tiny things.

Being popular shouldn’t be a priority. Social hierarchies are useless. Being popular is a shallow concept because it’s based on the three most useless things about a person (Looks, number of friends, and money) A student’s a student no matter what.

Keep an open mind about people. Let people do what they want. Don’t assume they’re a bad person from their hobbies or the way they act. As long as it’s not hurting anyone be kind towards as many strangers as you can (hint: that’s how you make friends) 

Don’t be a pushover. Stand up and stay beside what you think is right. There may be people that try to take advantage of doormats. If you’re getting bullied, don’t try to take it in silence. Be loud and clear about what you want. You make your own path.

Part 3: Dating

Please don’t date seniors. It is never a good idea. Seniors themselves aren’t bad, but the types that want to date freshman just wanna get in your pants. There is a difference between being friends with seniors and dating them. A BIG FUCKIN DIFFERENCE. They’re at a different level of maturity than you, that’s just how it is. It doesn’t work out and it won’t work out. 

You’re not forced to date, but don’t be cynical about it. Sure high school relationships won’t last, but life doesn’t either on the larger scale. Just try to keep it to like 15-16 yr olds. Also don’t stay just for the sake of not hurting them. You have to rip the band-aid off. And you might have the band-aid ripped off you, too.

NO ASKING OR SENDING NUDES. Just don’t. It’s illegal and only douchbags want them. Doesn’t matter if it’s your best friend from childhood or someone you’re madly in love with or both. Even if you think they’re trustable emough not to share it accidents do happen. Never a pretty sight. If you still ignore this, at least don’t put your face in it.

Part 4: Emotions and feeeelings

Emotional distress doesn’t last forever. Teenage emotions do this neat little trick of making you feel helpless. Don’t lose hope that things won’t become normal again, whatever it may be. Think it out, and over time you’ll be able to figure things out.  

Logic out emotional decisions. There may be situations where you want to do something because you’re filled with a strong emotion (whether that’d be anger, depression, adrenaline, etc.) You have to take responsibility for what you do.  

Counselors are a great resource, but they can be hit or miss. If you’re feeling distressed about anything, counselors will help. You deserve to talk to one about your problems and you’ll never be a burden. Although, don’t take their advice as solid rules for dealing with your problems. Look up online helplines if you need to talk things out with someone.

Things will change. Don’t freak out. This may be who you’re friends with, people around you, or maybe something about yourself. Take it as it comes, see if it feels right, and continue moving forward. High school is about growing and figuring things out.

Be approchable in class to make friends. Don’t be anxious, try to stay positive, and be confident in class (because that’s where you’re likely to make friends) and also don’t be afraid to ask the person beside you for help. And big side note, don’t judge others so hard.

Well, that’s all I can think of. Remember: You’re capable of handling it. It’ll go by fast if you enjoy it and work hard enough. Focus on grades, be nice to everyone, don’t let yourself get carried away, make smart decisions. You got this!

[lissliss2244-blog]

My journey to healing Trigeminal Neuralgia

​ I am going to go back to 2016. I'm sitting at my kitchen table when ZAP I feel an intense electric jolt go through the left side of my face. I had no idea what it was so I just continued on with my day forgetting it even happened, until the next day when it happened again and continued to happen. The pain getting consistently worse as time went by. I was scared! I had no idea what was happening to me.

The next thing I knew the Days had turned into months that I dealt with the excruciating, stabbing, electrocuting pain. It really feels like a big blur to me now when I look back. Maybe because I was drugged up and practically living in the bath tub or Maybe I'm subconsciously blocking it out. I don't know but I do remember the pain and the multiple times that I went to the ER begging for some pain relief and to know what was going on with me. They did blood tests and eventually an MRI which came back negative for MS which they thought could possibly be causing it and told me that everything looked good.

During this time I'm sitting on the hospital bed in agony barely able to talk. Finally a doctor came in and told me that they're pretty sure I have Trigeminal Neuralgia. Ummm what??? And that's exactly how I left feeling too. He hardly told me anything about it except for it's caused by nerves, to go see a neurologist and not to look it up online.  Oh and they gave me something for the pain which I'm pretty sure was gabapentin. I got switched from medication to medication so it's hard to remember. Gabapentin,tegretol, and carbamazepine which all had horrible side effects!

When I got home the first thing I did was look it up because hello and wow did I have a mental breakdown. I called my love and bawled my eyes out due to the fact that all over the internet it says it's incurable. That I would have this pain for the rest of my life!! That it's called "the suicide disease" that it's the worst pain known to man and the only way to treat it is drugs and surgery that could possibly go wrong or not even work!!!! Talk about panic attack! He tried to calm me down and tell me that he's sure it's not as bad as I thought but oh it was.

What could I do though? Nothing so I took the medication hoping and praying it would help and On top of having horrendous pain in my face and head I was also completely out of it from the drugs. I was anxious, moody, disconnected, depressed, foggy,  exhausted and not myself at all! Oh and not to mention putting on weight another lovely side effect.

At that point I started doing my own research and found topiramate (topomax) which I read made you lose weight and that people took it to help depression and some took it for trigeminal neuralgia. I figured I hit the jackpot. It did start working and eventually the attacks went away. My neurologist did fail to mention what happens when you get off of one drug and replace it with another. It made me really sick and out of it. I wish I had been forewarned so I at least knew what was happening to me.

Anyways even after the TN went away I kept taking the topomax because I thought that if I stopped I would get it back. In fact I took it for a whole year and was still taking it when the trigeminal neuralgia came back again!

At the time it came back I was going through the most traumatic experience of my entire life and was extremely heart broken and depressed so I started wondering if all the emotional pain and stress caused it to come back. I remembered not being in the best place emotionally when I first got TN even though having the love of my life pass away far transcended any pain I've ever experienced. I wondered if it was linked to stress and heartache.

As I moved back into the tub to keep warm, avoiding the cold and everything else that would trigger attacks I researched and researched. It got to the point that I couldn't talk, eat, sleep, or barely even move around. My mom had to take care of my 4 year old. I couldn't hold her or answer her when she called for her mommy. It broke my heart and was hard on her too.

I came up pretty much empty handed with the research. I found one woman that said she thought it was weight related. She would get it back only when she wasn't being as healthy and gained weight but besides that all I could find was people dealing with TN laying around in agony and taking multiple drugs. It looked hopeless. That's actually the reason I'm writing this because I hope that it reaches as many people with TN as possible so that I can give you all some hope and another route besides scary drugs and surgery

Anyways as I lay in the bath tub I was doing some internet surfing being the only thing I really could do. When I lost connection... for the entire day. I was frustrated and bored so I figured I would read a book. When my nerves calmed down for a minute I went to pick a book. I grabbed one that I had been wanting to read for a while but then I felt like I heard my loves voice in my head saying "no baby put that down and grab the healing code You can read that later but you need this one now" so of course I listened to him.

 My aunt gave me the healing code for my birthday the year before and said that when she was getting another gift for someone else she had a strong feeling to get it for me and save it for my birthday but I had never even opened it up until then.

The healing code is about a doctor with a strong faith that tried for years to heal his wife until one day when he was given a vision of these certain hand movements held over different parts of your head and neck and a certain prayer that is supposed to heal your emotional wounds which in turn heal your physical illnesses. It's the idea that anything painful emotionally that has ever happened to you even as a child will come out in some sort of physical pain if not dealt with. Which I do believe in.

 I was desperate at that point so I started doing the healing codes multiple times a day every day. I had some really enlightening moments and felt like it was helping to sort out my emotions about everything going on. When I first started doing the codes my attacks got worst for the first couple days which he says in his book will happen at first as part of the healing process and then the attacks started getting less and less frequent and didn't last as long until they went away all together. I was so thankful for the healing codes. I was so appreciate of all the little things I could do again that we all take for granted like brushing my teeth and drinking water etc.

I kept taking the topomax again due to the fear that if I stopped it would come back and before the healing codes I actually upped my dose to help with the pain. It didn't help but now I was on an even higher dosage which was not good at all. Topomax was not the miracle drug that I thought it was. It caused lots of unwanted side effects. For one I felt completely stupid. Over time I realized that I couldn't even communicate. My brain was completely fogged and I would lose my train of thought mid sentence. My family noticed that I was really different too. I was depressed and not myself at all. Apparently people call topomax dopomax because of those negative effects.

I was really disappointed to read about people all over the place taking it for weight loss and depression when it has such negative side effects. It's like everyone is on some sort of ridiculous medication that's been prescribed to them when there are so many healthy alternatives without all the nasty side effects. Just because a doctor or a therapist prescribed it doesn't mean it's safe!

Eventually after about two and a half years of dopomax I was doing an angel card reading and heard his voice again telling me it's time to get off of my medication. So again I listened. I was scared that I would get the TN back but I took my chances and weaned myself off of it. The only thing that happened was that I became me again. My family mentioned that I sounded, looked, and laughed like myself again. Isn't that strange that it can even change your laugh? Imagine what it does inside your body? Medications are not our friends.

After that I was drinking a lot and eating whatever I wanted I will be honest. It wasn't good but I was trying to drown out the pain of losing my other half. That continued for a while until my family and I heard about the medical medium and we're told to get his books. I bought the medical medium by Anthony William and gave it to my mom as a gift as she herself was going through a lot due to her breast implants. She read it and long story short got me and my dad on board.

Anthony talks about how our bodies can heal themselves if we give them lots of fruits, vegetables, and greens. He also says everyone should drink celery juice upon waking up and take his detox smoothie with wild blueberries, spirulina, bananas, cilantro, dulce and orange juice to remove the metals from our bodies. He has been guided by spirit ever since he was little and has saved so many lives. He has a 28 day fruits and vegetable cleanse to heal your body and give it a break from everything else we consume so I started the cleanse.

He says to eat raw fruits and vegetables but I did some cooked some raw. About a week into it I got my first small attack from the TN and then of course they progressed into something worse. I panicked. I thought I'd have to get on some horrible medication again or get the surgery even though I'd read that a lot of people's surgeries didn't work.

Then as I was surfing the net once again back in the bath tub I decided to type the medical medium trigeminal neuralgia into google and lo and behold I found a podcast completely dedicated to the cause and cure of trigeminal neuralgia... I cried listening to it. It filled me with light and hope just to hear what is actually causing This pain. That it's a version of the shingles virus. A virus that CAN be healed!! If we don't feed the virus what it wants like eggs, dairy, gluten, MSG and fats it will go away!

Also if we take supplements to cure it like B12, zinc, loposomal vitamin C, lysine, and many more we can fight it. So I kept on doing the cleanse and taking the vitamins and without any medication at all my attacks were better than they were the last two times I had TN. It's only continued to get better and better.

As of right now I'm 28 days into the cleanse and I get anywhere from 2-6 attacks throughout the whole day and I'm able to sleep through the night again. Also the attacks are short jolts. They're still painful and I can't wait until they're gone but my attacks before would last anywhere from 5-30 minutes straight all day long and they were agonizingly painful!

I'm so extremely thankful for Anthony William and spirit for what they have done for me and so many others!! I urge everyone who has this horrendous illness to get Anthony's book the medical medium or just look it up to find the cleanse and listen to his podcast about TN. In fact I urge anyone that's dealing with any illness or that just wants to become more healthy to get his books. He has another one about cleansing the liver and healing the thyroid which I have not yet read. All I know is that it truly works.

As of Now I'm going to do a week of raw fruits and vegetables with no fats meaning no avocado, nuts, or oils. I'm hoping it will get rid of this once and for all. If it works then I'm going to continue to eat a lot of fruits, veggies, and greens but also slowly start incorporating things into my diet like beans and gluten free grains and eventually I'll allow myself to splurge and have a piece of pizza every now and then because who wants to miss out on that for the rest of their lives!?

I do now know that everything we put in our bodies is extremely important so I won't allow myself to abuse my body and get to the unhealthy point that I got to in the past. Our bodies fight for us everyday and we need to fight for them!

If you guys would like to hear what happens with my healing journey let me know and I will update you! Thank you for reading my story I hope it can help all of you out there struggling with this life altering virus!

[themagiciansreccenter]

Author Spotlight: @highkingfen

Every week we are going to be interviewing a writer from The Magicians fandom. If you would like to be interviewed or you want to nominate a writer, get in touch via our ask box.

First things first, tell us a little about yourself.

I am Cath, I’m 27 years old, I speak French and I live in Montreal, Quebec, Canada. I met my husband on Tumblr, I love cosplaying and doing edits in photoshop. My main blog is @booksandanxieties and, my other side blogs are @themagiciansweirdface and @fillorymedia. I also co-own @neitherlandslibrary.

How long have you been writing for?

Since I am 12, there’s some french harry potter fic written by me in the dark web of ff.net.

What inspired you to start writing for The Magicians?

I missed writing! And there was not a lot of fics when I join (Still remember there were only 15 pages on ao3)

Who is/are your favourite character(s) to write? What it is about them that makes them your favourite?

Arielle and Fen, which is odd I am aware ahha! I adore writing about them because first, we don’t get to see them a lot and I love to explore what they could be and their story and I love writing about what it is to live in Filory and all of its lore, they are both great protagonists to do so.

Do you have a preference for a particular season/point in time to write about?

Lately, I have been fixed on 3x05 (life in the day) because I wrote an entire fic named The Golden Tile that is about the first five years of Eliot and Quentin in Fillory’s past. I love rewriting whole season with canon divergences. What if’s are fun to write especially in this fandom, the timelines make it easy to do it!

Are you working on anything right now? Care to give us an idea about it?

As some may know, I am currently writing an Unofficial The Magicians dnd book! ( @unofficialmagiciansdnd ) It is about 65% done. I have still some of the mechanics to write and a lot of lists to create (Such as a list of spells or a list of magical creatures)

I also write on the side Book 2 of The Golden Tile named Under Pressure. I finished the first fic with a surprise plot twist that was canon divergent, with the second book I explore the consequence; what if Eliot and Quentin found the golden tile 5 years into their quest and comes back on Earth 5 years older with Arielle and Rupert.

How long is your “to do list”?

Not so long, I try to focus on what I write and I tend not to think of other things. But I do have a Twin!Au with Fen and Q that I want to write and Book 2 of my Fenfic where we see her point of view during season 2 and 3.

What is your favourite fic that you’ve written for The Magicians? Why?

That’s cruel to ask. I have two that I am rather proud but if I have to choose, I’d say The Girl from the World in The Wall (that I nicknamed my fenfic) which is the story of Fen before Eliot. We follow her from her 2 years old until she married the High King, learning his name on the altar.

I had started to write it after season 2, totally in love with Fen and mad that we didn’t know anything about her and mad at how the gang treated her. So I wondered what it was to be raised knowing you might marry a king. The word might is important since they didn’t know if Eliot would ever come. I wanted to explore how did she join the FU Fighter and why, despite her beliefs, she accepts her forced marriage. There was a lot to explore there so I started to untangle everything and ended up having to create lore for Fillory because we do not know much of what it is to be a farmer, knifemakers, peasant, in this land. I fell deeply in love with the lore and discovered in Fen a strong woman that decided to choose love and kindness, not out of naivety, but because it is the right thing to do.

When Season 3 aired, I’d finished writing the fic (it was a NaNoWriMo goal) and I was more than happy to discover that what I’d written actually fit what they wrote about her. I ADORE that we got to know her more and don’t get me started on her being an acting king.

P.s: Some of the lore in the Fenfic ended up leaking in The Golden Tile; I love tying my fics in one large universe.

Many writers have a fic that they are passionate about that doesn’t get the reception from the fandom that they hoped for. Do you have a fic you would like more people to read and appreciate?

My fenfic, hands down. I wish they would read The Girl from the world in the wall to see where most of the lore and my love of Fillory comes from. Fen is underestimated in the fandom (Though less since season 3) and deserve more recognition.

What is your writing process like? Do you have any traditions or superstitions that you like to stick to when you’re writing?

I listen to podcasts all the time so when I write, I need silence. Music distracts me. I always need the thesaurus synonym because I tend to use the same word over and over or know what a word means but finding it imprecise. Which makes writing without internet hard, but now that I know its a must, I try as much as I can, to write where wifi is. Also, I can’t write if someone is in the room. Even if they are doing their own stuff. I don’t know why. Even when I was writing essays for classes it was like that.

Do you write while the seasons are airing or do you prefer to wait for hiatus? How does the ongoing development of the canon influence and inspire your writing process?

I had nothing really going during season 3 and then episode 5 happen and I kinda exploded. Knowing it was a self-contained story (the life having already been lived by Q and Eliot) I started to write while it was airing. It is at the end of it that I decided that the ending of The Golden Tile could be interesting if it was canon divergent; I’m excited to see what Arielle and Rupert bring into the group and if it will lead toward the same choice. Only time will tell!

Otherwise, I usually write One Shot during airing season time, that way I don’t have to overthink things if what I write is not canon compliant anymore.

What has been the most challenging fic for you to write?

My Fenfic. Maybe that’s why it is the one I am the proudest of. To have to create a whole character and yet stick to the canon was exciting. As well as reading as much as I can about Fillory. There was not a lot about it online at the time, so it had been meticulous research (I had the map of FIllory open most of the time I was writing just to be sure of the place I was saying were compliant. ) Before I never did much research before writing a fic, now it is one of my favorite parts

Are there any themes or tropes that you particularly like to explore in your writing?

Canon divergence, as you can see! I love to see the butterfly effect and how one thing can change the whole story. My first longfic Shake it off was about Eliot forcing back Quentin on his med. And that changed a lot of things! Yay for timelines that can make us say its canon!

Are there any writers that inspire your work? Fanfiction or otherwise?

J.K Rowling will always be important for my writing because her universe made me want to write. I read a lot of YA so I can say the author influence my writing because, through reading, I discover what I like and what I don’t which makes me better in the end.

Fanfic-wise, I discovered a lot of great author in this fandom and I hate naming people because if I don’t name someone they might be sad or get discouraged, and I don’t want that. I adore that we got so many writers and that the subjects are so different. It’s not only one trope on one ship over and over. Sometimes I read a summary and I laughed cause I wonder how the author came up with the idea! It made me want to be better and write more elaborate and less easy trope fics.

What are you currently reading? Fanfiction or otherwise?

Depression had kicked my ass with reading. I went from reading 92 books last year to 4 this year. So yeah, I don’t read as much, but I try to get back in, now that I am feeling better.

I just finished reading There there be Gerblins, a graphic novel of the first arch of The Adventure Zone podcast. It’s really good and funny. In fact, this podcast is part of the inspiration of me writing the DND book.

The Dnd book writing means that I carry everywhere the 5th edition of Dungeon and Dragon with me. It is not a copycat of it, but there are mechanics that are the same or, sometimes, they help me just figure out how to structure the book itself. I love the weird look I get when I go to Starbuck with it.

I just bought a new book by J.K Rowling name Very Good lives and I am excited to read it when I’m going in my next trip; a plane without wifi is a good excuse to read.

Fanfic wise; I usually binge. I wait a month or two and then read everything I haven’t read. But one fic I read the moment there is a new chapter is The Mess We Made by Rays. I looooovelove love it. A must read

What is the most valuable piece of writing advice you’ve ever been given?

Write first, edit after. Otherwise, you’ll edit the same paragraph the rest of your life.

that or

If 50 shades of gray can be published, you can do it.

they are my two mottoes.

Cringe time:

Are there any words or phrases you worry about overusing in your work?

oh, I have a ton of them. I can’t think of one example but sometimes I get stuck on a word on a paragraph and I am using it for like ever. Hense the wonder of thesaurus synonym website.

What was the first fanfic that you wrote? Do you still have access to it?

A harry potter one, I probably can find it. I don’t want to. LOL

Rapid Fire Round:

Self-edit or Beta? Self-edit, trying the Beta for Under Pressure!

Comments or Kudos/Reblogs or Likes? COMMENTS FOR SURE I LIVE FOR THOSE. how many time did one comment make me continue to write! But honestly, anytime someone acknowledges they read my thing, I am happy and blown away. I forget sometimes, that people want to read my stuff.

Smut, Fluff or Angst? All of the above? Honestly? Depend on the mood!

Quick & Dirty or Slow Burn? Depend on the mood too! Usually slow burn but sometimes a good Quick & Dirty is always good

Favourite season? 3

Favourite episode? Six Stories about Magic

Favourite book(The Magicians books)? The first one

Three favourite words? Bunny, kindness, writing

Want to be interviewed for our author spotlight? Get in touch here.

[thehappymessproject]

49/100 - Inner monsters : insidious perfectionism

Not a good thing at all

I used to buy into the myth that perfectionism is a good thing, a “fake flaw”, like so many of us. Even if my perfectionism was quite exhausting and frustrating, it made me feel like I was rigorous, I loved well done work and couldn’t “help myself” to be all in when I was doing things. It made me feel better than people who would do things half-assed and without any passion or commitment. 

OMG I’m actually a bit embarrassed to have written that first paragraph I have to confess. It makes me feel stupid that I bought in such utter BS, easy con at some point. Which is, very appropriately, yet another layer of perfectionism. That’s how pervasive it gets. I’m not allowed to make any mistakes, to be human.

How procrastination and perfectionism work hand in hand with shame

The first time I started to doubt myself on this was while reading “Procrastination : why you do it, what to do about it” from Jane Burka and Lenora Yuen, almost 10 years ago. It helped me realise how much procrastination and perfectionism were entangled, nourishing each other. 

I used to call myself the empress of procrastination too, with again, some kind of weird pride. A friend of mine added me to a group named “Anonymous Procrastinators”, where we would share jokes on the matter, but no one seemed remotely interested in changing anything about it, very much like perfectionism. 

Actually, it’s worse than that : most of us treat perfectionism and procrastination as personalty traits, things inherent to our identity and way of functioning. Completely oblivious about the fact that by doing so, we make them that much harder to actually change.

What’s the trick?

And then, [cue : light coming from the sky and mystic “aaaaaah” voice harmonies], Brene Brown made her entrance in my life. At that point, her work and mine are so entangled that I allow myself to be on a first name basis with her. Brene is a researcher/story teller. Her work on shame and vulnerability is absolutely brilliant and so liberating (click on each words to see hew awesome TED talks). 

You see, perfectionism is rooted in shame. We don’t want to make things perfect because we love them and take them seriously, but because we don’t love ourselves enough to accept how imperfect we are, and to accept that perfection doesn’t exist. 

By wanting to make things perfect anyway, we set standards that are impossible to attain. Things becomes polarised (black and white) : either perfect or shitty, and since they’ll never be perfect, everything basically becomes shitty. 

And because we learn through that process that we produce shitty things, to compensate, we start to procrastinate them to protect ourselves from the feeling of failing. 

If we procrastinate, we can’t do them perfectly, we don’t have time. Therefore, we can always save face when we don’t get the grades or results we wanted by saying “Well, if I had had the time, I would have done better”. We entertain an idea of our own hypothetical greatness, without ever challenging ourselves to see what we are really capable of. Perfect ego trap.

The content of those two last paragraphs blew my mind and changed my life forever when I really studied them and their implications. Perfectionism and procrastination never helped me or anyone in the first place, they just made stuff harder, and made me feel like shit, in order to avoid the discomfort of facing reality. Wasting so so much of my life, time and energy. 

You have no idea of the intensity of the break-down that ensued discovering those.

What can we do?

Fortunately, those depressing facts came with some blueprint to get out of there. By seeing perfectionism and his pal, procrastination, as some kind of vulnerability phobia, we become allowed to train our ability to be vulnerable : we become able to strengthen our bravery muscles. 

Don’t panic. I’m not saying we need to do heroic stuff to do so. I am talking about a much more important kind of bravery : ordinary courage. 

Ordinary courage is a very important skill to practice. Choosing to be vulnerable and brave rather than to feel like we are winning, in control, and powerful is one of the most life-altering things I’ve ever learnt. Obviously, it’s not an easy one, and it takes time, energy and intention. The goods news being that each time we practice it it becomes easier. The more we do it the less scary life seems. 

To me, it came down to two things working together : grounding practices (click for my text on those) and creativity. Journaling and meditation help us greatly by being a time to observe how much we are constantly changing, how useless it is to evaluate ourselves, and having clarity on our needs and wants. By showing us everyday that we can’t predict or know that well how we’ll feel, we start opening up, being more flexible, observing instead of judging. 

Yoga was crazy efficient for me. It taught me to accept where I was everyday, one step at a time. Being slightly disabled, there are so many things I can’t do. So in order to keep doing it, I needed to let go of my wanting to progress fast, to balance things with ease... 

There are quite basic poses I still can’t do after 4 years, and yet, I never cared less about being incompetent. Who cares that I can’t do a headstand or a high lunge when doing way simpler things bring so much joy and serenity to me already while teaching me how to accept myself? 

That’s what ordinary courage brings us : the freedom of being our imperfect failing selves.

Creativity helped me even more by providing even more play (yoga teach us how to play with our body through movement, like a very slow dance with practice). 

I used to lose my mind when practicing any kind of creative endeavour. Each time I had a crush on a medium, I would get a little too far, working on it very seriously, taking courses, reading manuals and tutorials by dozens without actual practicing.

Once I would finally get myself to actually practice, I would always end up super disappointed about my actual performance. And my perfectionist brain wouldn’t accept that it was completely normal, even by learning and reading a lot about it, that I would suck at something I never practice. 

At some point, I would find more and more excuses to not practice more, avoiding that feeling of failure, even if I was feeling shitty for being “that girl who never finished up anything she starts”.  

The same thing would go for things that I couldn’t really learn about before practicing. Things that were maybe easier and fun at first. I would be very into it, until it got hard. Then I would slowly lose interest, certain that since I wasn’t easily good at it, it must mean it’s just not my thing, I simply didn’t have any talent at it. 

After reading Brene’s books, I decided that I would focus on courage for a year. I tried many small new things I never dared to try. Every time I felt uncomfortable and wanted to quit, I put more energy into being brave instead. I pushed myself to say no to things that I hated and yes to things I loved. I tried to go back to those things I used to love but “had to” give up. It was way better, but still quite a struggle. 

I realised with practice that my ability to discourage myself with harsh judgements and impossible standards was too strong for my own good. I needed something to trick my brain into doing something scary, important for me and while not realising I was learning something and skill was involved. It wasn’t easy. 

Until I found my first classes on watercolour painting. I watched quite a few of them, but only playful beginners courses, with lots of practice exercises and especially, abstract exercises. And pushed myself to try, even just for a few minutes sometimes. 

Abstract is really easy when you don’t know anything about painting : it’s basically about playing with shapes and colours and observe what is happening. You have to fail and can’t fail at the same time.

It was still really scary to do. I had to find so many ways to trick myself. Snacks and peppermint tea helped. Smoking helped. Finding fun and easy subjects to paint definitely helped. Finding a friend interested in trying it out too made me accountable and helped staying motivated. Making sessions short, but frequent was life saving (it makes anything way easier than it is at first, in the quickest way possible).  

Not even a year later, I was able to go back to photography, and finally be brave enough to practice and suck at it. Courage is contagious to all parts of life, once we train it, we change in such a deep way, we start loving ourselves more, to be naturally bolder, to trust ourselves and the process of growth, life itself. Everything around us change. We set better boundaries, make better choices, can listen to ourselves better. 

Coupled with better awareness, courage makes us virtually unstoppable.

So my only wish for anyone reading this today is that you found here the inspiration of doing anything that you find scary (let’s start at 3-4/10 on a fear scale, 10 being the scariest thing you can imagine doing) today, even if it’s just for a few minutes. Give yourself that opportunity for some self-love and bravery practice.

See you tomorrow,  Love,  L.  

[dreamcatchersza]

Globe Trotter: Tales from a South African Expat

By @deartlotli 

Expatriate noun

noun: expatriate; plural noun: expatriates  

Also Known As: Expat

1.  A person who lives outside their native country.  "American expatriates in London"  

“Home is where the heart is but the world is where my soul belongs.”  

Leaving home is a rite of passage for many of us, for example, a lot of us leave when we go to university/college and some when they start a family. It is an essential part of growing up, no matter how scary it might be. Some people, however, take it up a notch and move to another country altogether. These type of people, or expats as they are more commonly called, possess the type of courage that many authors describe in their books. Keitumetse Mogoase Tolo is a fine example of such. 

Keitumetse left South Africa for Germany as part of her company’s project that send young people abroad for multiple skills training and enhancements. Being the trailblazer that she is, Keitumetse became the first person at her job level to leave the country for this type of assignment. I spoke to her about her experiences and this is what she had to say:

● ON PREPARATIONS FOR THE BIG MOVE:

 Leaving your country of origin to live in a completely foreign land is frightening for anyone, it was especially harder for Keitumetse because she had to leave behind not just her life in South Africa, but also, her sick father. It is a change that she had to adapt to, not only on a physical level but also on a psychological one. “Mentally, it got a bit challenging because it meant having to leave my sick father, in Hospital. I also left behind my family, friends, my culture, and my favourite food…however I pressed on’’. 

● ON OVERCOMING COMMUNICATION BARRIERS

It took Keitumetse 8 months to settle into her new life. In those 8 months, she said she could already speak about 5% of the German language, admittedly though, she confessed to using a few translation apps to help her with the language and in addition to the apps, she used other, more interesting methods “I did not read books pertaining to Germany in particular, however to pick up a little German, a colleague bought me kiddies books which are used in kindergarten (crèche) and they helped as they have pictures, thus I was able to know what a table, glass, light etc. is, in German”. 

● ON THE MENTAL ADJUSTMENT 

A couple of weeks after her arrival in Germany, Keitumetse received word that her ailing father was now deceased. As you can imagine, these news coupled with her big move, greatly affected her state of mind. “The 8 months were torture, emotionally and mentally because it meant I could not speak my home language with anyone except on call to South Africa. I could not mourn my father with my family. What made it worse was the eternally grey and extremely cold weather. The lack of sunshine affected me a lot, I didn’t realise it until I got sick and was given Vitamin D tablets because my levels were so low. I felt despondent and depressed all the time.” Keitu got through this mental mountain by admitting that she was not coping, She started seeing and talking to a professional at her workplace health center and found other coping mechanisms. However, she says,  “there are positives with being alone because you get to get in touch with yourself and pinpoint issues or matters that need addressing.” I HEAR THAT!

 ● ON RACISM

 Travelling for black people is a different experience altogether, because, apart from the usual travel inventory, you also have to take into account the racism or lack thereof, of any country you plan on visiting.This is Keitumetse’s experience with Racism in Germany:

“I have always been stared at. At first I thought there was something wrong with me. Truth is, yes racism exist. In areas in the East, it is rife and in the West, it’s more subtle. I have been ignored in shops, I was hit by a bus door and had to step off while it was still taking off, I have been ignored in supermarkets and banks and I have consulted doctors who would not look at me in the eye...do I call it racism? YES. Did I dwell on it? NO. I found other places and service providers who were not repulsed by my skin. The status here taught me to be more assertive and to remember that I matter.  Also, to remind people that I did not come here to clean bathrooms, but I am corporate employee, who deserves to be treated with respect.” 

● KEITUMETSE’S TIPS TO ADAPTING TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY 

1. Know why you left home and understand that people live differently to how you lived back home and that is okay.

2. Allow yourself to feel lost, adapting to a new place takes time. Getting lost simply means you are learning something new and learning always leads to growth.  

3. Be open to new experiences. When it gets to be too much, don’t rush to pack your suitcases, rather seek help.

4. Keep a diary because you will be your only friend in the beginning. Become curious. And remember that you are just a flight away from home or another sunny place if the grey weather gets to you.

5. Mix with the locals, you will be rejected but you will definitely find ones that will accept you and learn from you as much as you will learn from them. No one can teach you how to adapt really, the beauty is in how open and vulnerable you are willing to be.

Follow us on Twitter @DreamcatchersZA. Photos Courtesy of @Kei2Tolo 

[douchebagbrainwaves]

WORK ETHIC AND YOURS

Web-based software now, because writing applications for them seemed an attainable goal to larval startups. It was written by two guys working in an attic, and yet did things no mainframe software could do. As we were in the middle of the range. So why worry about a few more checks on public companies. That's how bad the problem has become.1 Don't hire people to fill the gaps in some a priori org chart. This, as we did, using a desktop computer, you can create wealth. To decide what to optimize, just log into a server and see what's consuming all the CPU. These are the users who are ready to try new things, partly because they're more flexible, and partly because they want to do something people want.

You're genuinely in a bind, because you were already worrying about it subconsciously. But only 66% of companies in the current batch have the.2 I would consider this problem solved.3 As Joe McGinnis recounts in his famous book The Selling of the President 1968, Nixon knew he had less charisma than Humphrey, and thus simply refused to debate him on TV. As a young founder your strengths are: stamina, poverty, rootlessness, colleagues, and ignorance.4 And you should, because some tasks like raising money and getting acquired. Now, they said, the absolute fastest they could get paid for it, without having a lottery mixed in, we would have been harder to. But in fact startups do have a rule of thumb for recognizing when you have to do well at that. We did. Similarly, good new problems are not to be cut out of the big galley and put them in the course of adding some feature they were asking for.5

If you really think you have a US startup called X and you don't have to send everyone the same signal, and you assemble a team of eight to ten people wearing jeans to the office and typing into vt100s.6 Eventually the pimps and drug dealers notice that the doctors and lawyers have switched from Cadillac to Lexus, and do things that would be motivation enough. In addition to catching bugs, they were exceptional. It's not unusual for an old friend especially if he is a hacker to suddenly send you an email with a new from-address doesn't guarantee that the sender is writing to you for the first time is constrained by convention in what they can say mine is bigger than yours. Three million? You can start by asking a comparatively lowly VC for a small team of good, trusted programmers than it would for a big company, and it's no wonder we had such a thing it would provide a boost to any filtering software. If you sell your car, you'll get more for it. A startup is not the great mystery it seems from outside.7 If $3 million a year seems high, remember that we're talking about the amount of money at any moment.

Live content can be way cheaper than networks realize, and the result is so depressing that the inhabitants consider it a great treat to fly to Europe and spend a couple weeks and hadn't seen much of the company is their performance.8 The Web let us do an end-run around Windows, and deliver software running on Unix direct to users through the browser. Which is why people trying to sell you expensive things say it's an investment. What I didn't grasp at the time, and the investors are the limiting factor. This doesn't work well with hackers.9 Now everyone knows that this is hard for us would be impossible for our competitors. It makes those parts of your software. The constraints that limit ordinary companies also protect them. And if at the last minute two parts don't quite fit, you can use a Web-based software, no one wants. This was not uncommon during the Bubble, or because they're a bad idea.

And a program that attacked the servers themselves should find them very well defended.10 And when there's no installation, it will disappear. You'd think. As a friend of mine said, Most VCs can't do anything that would sound bad to the kind of startup that approaches them saying the train's leaving the station; are you in or out?11 Apple solved for millions of people in America, have some amount of funding to get started painting that ten minutes of rearranging feels very long.12 Captains of industry issued orders to armies of workers, and everyone was delighted. In America you can have either a flimsy box banged together out of two by fours and drywall, or a market to supply evolutionary pressures. That's the biggest problem for someone starting a startup, so why not have a place designed to be a good thing too, or a salmonella outbreak for a food processor. But getting bought is also an art in its own right, and of a particularly stressful kind, but that they're driven by more powerful motivations. Do you go up or down on fears of instability in the Middle East.

For most people the best plan is to go for the smaller customers first. To start with, spam is easily recognizable. We would want to use it. 5-7% of the upside, while an employer gets nearly all of history the success of any company.13 Then it's mechanical; phew.14 Graduation is a bureaucratic change, not a threshold.15 The number of possible connections between developers grows exponentially with the size of users' data well, nothing easy, we knew we might as well have sat in front of a blank page for days without writing anything.

6x. A few days ago I realized that somewhere along the line I had stopped believing that. For most people, including the headers. The problem with software patents is an instance of a more general one: the patent office than the concept of expected value would be surprised if that situation returns, but with one difference: this time they'll be starting their own instead of going with the first microcomputers. Actually, neither do VCs. But in fact we were doing exactly the right sort of person who could get away with refusing to debate. Most VCs can't do anything that would sound bad to the Bayesian filters as ever, no matter what they're working on, you're not just trying to solve problems you're bad at marketing.

Don't waste your time worrying about patent infringement. The real reason we started Y Combinator, we planned to invest the way other venture firms do: as proposals came in, we'd evaluate them and decide yes or no.16 And jeans turn out not to have been able to work hard: these guys would have paid to be able to improve the software, and with a relatively small amount of force applied at just the point where startups can least afford it. The most recent counterexample appears to be 1968, when Nixon beat the more charismatic Hubert Humphrey. If you want to start it.17 Most hackers are employees, and this gives you an edge over older founders, because the rate of a successful startup: to start your own startup. Those turn out to be the first VC to give someone a present and don't have any more, and impose more onerous conditions.18 We would want to ensure that the company pays 10 times as much wealth as an average employee.19 They were the most arrogant people I've met in my life.

Notes

Some of the reason there have historically been so many startups from Philadelphia. For example, because I realized the other meanings.

Which helps explain why there are few who can say I need to go away, and you need a higher growth rate to impress are not just a Judeo-Christian concept; it's IBM.

The amusing thing is, so x% usage growth predicts x% revenue growth.

One thing that drives most people are like, and Fred Wilson to fund them. Trevor Blackwell reminds you to believing anything in particular, because there are no misunderstandings.

In this context, etc. But if they were only partly joking. The history of the company, and I had a day job.

The idea of what's valuable is least likely to resort to raising money from it. Proceedings of AAAI-98 Workshop on Learning for Text Categorization.

Big technology companies between them so founders can get rich simply by being energetic and unscrupulous, but that's overkill; the trend in scientific progress matches the population curve.

With a classic fixed sized round, you need two different kinds of menial work early in the definition of property.

If they were supposed to be high, they mean San Francisco, LA, Boston, and the ordering system and image generator written in 6502 machine language. Users dislike their new operating system so much about unimportant things. By your mid-sentence, though.

What they forget is that any given college. When you fund a startup could grow big by transforming consulting into a pattern, as they are bleeding cash really fast. Those investors probably thought they'd been pretty clever by getting such a low valuation to see the Valley use the standard career paths of trustafarians to start over from scratch today would say that YC's most successful founders is often responding politely to the Depression was one of the funds we raised was difficult, and then scale it up because they attract so much in their racks for years before Apple finally moved the door. Maybe it would have undesirable side effects.

Monk, Ray, Ludwig Wittgenstein: The French Laundry in Napa Valley.

I.

Turn the other sheep head for a public event, you might be digital talent. The company may not even allowed to discriminate on any basis you want to avoid that. Progressive tax rates, which handled orders.

I'm sure for every startup founder could pull the same advantages from it. And the old one.

That's why the Apple I used a recent Business Week, 31 Jan 2005.

The answer is no personnel department, and would probably be interrupted every fifteen minutes with little loss of personality for the board to give up your anti-dilution, which merchants used to retrieve orders, view statistics, and cook on lowish heat for at least one of those you can often do better.

Don't be evil, they say this is what people will give you term sheets.

So if you're not consciously aware of it. In this essay, I can't refer a startup could grow big by transforming consulting into a pattern, as I know, the startup in question usually is doing badly and is doomed anyway.

All you need, you can't even claim, like most of the things I write. Many people have told me how he had simply passed on an accurate account of ancient traditions. See, we found Dave Shen there, and credit card debt is usually slow growth or excessive spending rather than giving grants. The 1/10 success rate is suspiciously neat, but the nature of an FBI agent or taxi driver or reporter to being told they had to write a new SEC rule issued in 1982 rule 415 that made them register.