#themathisntmathing

[girltalkcollectives]

So He Can Sleep With 10 People and Be a Legend But If She Does It She's “For The Streets”?

The math isn't mathing when it comes to hookup culture. Somehow when a guy has a high body count, he's a player, a legend, living his best life. But when a woman has the same number? Suddenly she's got "no self respect," she's "easy," she's "not wife material."

Make it make sense.

I'm so tired of seeing women's worth being tied to their body count while men get high fives for the exact same behavior. Last time I checked, having safe, consensual sex doesn't change who you are as a person - regardless of your gender.

Let's be real for a second. Your body count doesn't define you. It doesn't determine your worth. It doesn't make you any less deserving of love or respect. As long as you're being safe and consensual, it's literally nobody's business but your own.

And can we talk about how ridiculous these double standards are? Men are really out here with body counts in the double digits acting like a woman who's slept with more than three people is somehow tainted. Sir, the same body count that makes you feel like a king doesn't make her less worthy of respect.

The funniest part? These same guys who judge women for having a "high" body count are usually the ones contributing to other women's numbers. The math is literally not mathing. How are you going to sleep around and then shame women for... sleeping with you?

Here's what actually matters:

Are you being safe?

Are you getting tested?

Are you being honest?

Are you respecting yourself and others?

That's it. That's the list.

Notice how "keeping your number low enough to please random men's egos" isn't on there? Because it shouldn't be. Your sexual history doesn't determine your value any more than the number of restaurants you've eaten at determines your worth as a food critic.

And let's address this "lock and key" nonsense some men love to spew. You know, that stupid analogy about how "a key that opens many locks is valuable, but a lock that's opened by many keys is worthless"? First of all, we're humans, not hardware. Second of all, this isn't the 1800s - we're allowed to enjoy sex too.

The truth is, these double standards exist because society is still struggling with the idea that women can own their sexuality just like men do. That we can make our own choices about our bodies. That we can enjoy sex without it defining our entire character.

To anyone judging women for their body count while celebrating men for the same thing:

Your misogyny is showing

Your insecurity is obvious

Your double standards are tired

Your opinion is irrelevant

Because at the end of the day, the only person who gets a say in your sex life is you (and whoever you're currently sleeping with, consensually). Everyone else's opinion about your body count is about as relevant as their opinion about your favorite color - totally irrelevant.

Just remember to:

Get tested regularly

Practice safe sex

Be honest with partners

Respect yourself and others

Own your choices

The rest? Is nobody's business but yours.

[xtrablak674]

My Last Relationship

[I haven't dated anyone since '08 which is sixteen years ago. The following is a letter my ex sent me clearly in response to something I had sent him. With so much perspective now I am posting this letter and commenting within it on my understanding of the events looking back on them now.]

 Trevor, I was very excited and hopeful after our online talk about our status, but after your email I was taken aback and disappointed.  It has taken me a few days to digest your writing and to respond in a way that is true to my feelings.  I hope you understand.

 You wrote in the subject area "looking forward" but I only saw you looking backward, and I feel the need to defend myself, unfortunately.  I have apologized several times for slapping you on the chest, and I take full and total responsibility for my actions.  However, you continue to act as if this action occurred in a vacuum, as if I decided for no reason to hit you in public.  Let us remember that I was responding to you shoving your hand into my ass in a crowded store and violating me.  I may have broken your trust, but you broke mine too.

[Re-reading my journal entries from this era it seemed that intimacy public or otherwise was an ongoing issue with Karl and I. Part of it was I think something physically was going on with his body health-related, another part I think was his own emotional baggage and with my perspective today possible drug usage. He was very performative in his life always trying to be something that everyone else wanted as opposed to just being himself. I recall his feeling the need to dress as I dressed albeit that would not have been appropriate to who he was at all.

In my recollection of the events on the escalator, I was playfully grabbing at his ass, not sexually violating him. It is curious the deflection of his actions into my being responsible for them. The classic sign of an abuser in my opinion, they aren't culpable for anything that they do, you're actions or words made them do it.]

 I am still sorry for what my reaction to the situation was but the fact is that you created the situation by humiliating me in a public place.

[I am still shocked to even read this, but I acknowledge it as his perceptions of events. We live our lives by how we perceive the world and these views are colored by our frame of reference, upbringing and emotional traumas.

Its not how I viewed the situation in the least. I never felt once like I was humiliating him, and would never try to humiliate someone publicly. I was trying to be affectionate in a semi-public situation, we were positioned in a way on that escalator that no one could really see our interaction unless they were actively seeking us. It's very curious his distortion of intentions and how this relates to his self-worth and body image issues.]

My only intention was to get you to STOP touching me inappropriately in public.  My reaction was unfortunate and I have apologized.  An open handed slap on the chest is still violence, and I do not believe that solves anything.  I make NO excuses for what I did, and if I could have it to do over again with forethought I would take a different route, that, unfortunately is not a possibility.  It was a mistake, done without thought in a moment of complete panic.  I am still sorry but I am done saying I am apologizing.

[How did this innocuous interaction escalate into panic, sexual violation, and humiliation? #TheMathIsntMathing To the best of my recollection I don't think he said anything to this effect in the few short minutes this occurred. I also recall a fist in my chest, not an open-handed slap, which would literally hit differently. Emotionally I remember being totally shocked, appalled and confused that Karl just punched me in my chest!

It took a few seconds for me to compose myself, because even now I thought I was being playful, not annoying and he wasn't sending me any signals otherwise. In hindsight I think there was something else going, I am not sure if it was sexual abuse in his youth, or a possible rape or some other kind of psychological trauma. But I think even to a passing viewer, nothing I was doing appeared malicious or inappropriate even in a public venue.

Coupled with his what would become apparent later, his drug usage, I don't think I was the person at fault here, no matter what he may have thought I was doing. His perceptions of others was being coloured by experiences I wasn't aware of them and am still not aware of now. I am not saying I was the perfect boyfriend and that there weren't things I was culpable for, but loving a person and showing them affection aren't anything to apologize for.]

 You keep saying that you "modeled" the type of apology you expect from me.  Guess what, I am a grown ass man.  I do not need you to teach me anything.  I apologized in my way. If that is insufficient to you then don't forgive me.  I will move on.  However, you speak about forgiveness at great length.  If you forgive me, then we can move forward, forget about the past and work together toward a future.  If you can't I understand, I will be disappointed in myself, but I wish you the best and I will move on with my life.  You can't change me Trevor, and if you want to mold me into a different type of boyfriend then a relationship between us will never work.  I will ALWAYS strive to be better than I am, but I need support in that endeavor, not guidance.

[Curiously, he later told me, because like many couples we had post-breakup sex, that he thought we could get back together. I was gob-smacked by that admission. How on goddess's green earth did he think I'd get back into a relationship with someone who hit me, and then turned around and tried to make it my fault? That is a classic sign of intimate partner violence, shown in every movie and television show.]

 You seem to be very upset that the affection you showed me was not returned in kind.  Your words have also made is clear that you feel I didn't show you the same type of affection and that you have been hurt by this.  I can understand this.  You treated me wonderfully.  I felt loved and cherished when I was dating you.  Since then, I have felt belittled and terrible about our time together.  It has become very clear to me that everything you did was because you expected something in return, not for altruistic reasons. 

[This is funny, is he conflating the role of a lover with a parent? Parents are supposed to give unconditional love, but a lover has emotional needs, and if those needs aren't reciprocated, why should they stay in that relationship? Its not necessarily that you're giving something to get something, but how can I keep pouring into you and never have anything poured into me?

I know there was an age difference between us but not as significant that I would be parental to him, but I can't know what he thought. I do recall that I was the more fiscally responsible, stable and orderly between the two of us. Simple logistics seemed to elude him, and his unemployment was in large part due to his lack of follow through. More and more it does seem the right decision that we parted, not that I ever regretted that decision.]

Remember how much I resisted you spending money on me because I was worried it would be thrown in my face later?  Well, I was right after all, wasn't I?  And a lot of the stuff you did for me wasn't really for me, but for what your idea of romance is.  What in my character would lead you to believe I would want rose petals in bed?  That was for you, not me. 

 You have said repeatedly that you have given me opportunities and left the "door open" for me to "win" you back.  I have no interest in playing that game.  You set expectations for me to meet and then get disappointed with me when I don't meet these arbitrary guidelines.  This is not a game to me, Trevor.  You are much much more important to me than that.  I have no interested in trying to "win" you back.  If you want to get back together with me then I will work very very hard every day of my life to make our relationship work, that is the only thing I can honestly promise you.  If it didn't take hard work then it wouldn't mean anything.

 Finally I want to say a few words about my feelings for you that I don't really think you understand.  Ever since you broke up with me (yes, that is how is happened) I have felt that we would end up back together.  In fact, the day that you contacted me on IM my principal was asking about you at school and asked what happened between us.  My final word to her was, "I think we'll probably end up together."  I still feel that way.  No matter what comes between us, even you have to admit there is so much more that seems to be drawing us together than has pushed us apart.  Sometimes I even get the feeling that I was drawn to the Brooklyn simply to meet you.

 It is silly, I suppose.  I have never really given much credence to fate or destiny.  But Trevor, you feel so right in my heart and in my arms.  We have lived very close by coincidence for many years.  Our timing worked out for both of us.  I moved into your best friends house totally by accident.  On New Year's Eve, near midnight I went for a long walk around my neighborhood to think about my future and what I wanted for it.  I came across a piece of graffiti that struck me.  It took me awhile to recognize it.  You will find it at the bottom of this page.  It took my a while to recognize it, but when I did the meaning was clear.  Think what you will, but I think it was a sign.

 I will work at being a better man for you for a hundred years if you allow me too.  You are beautiful, flawed, intelligent, egotistical, talented, sexy, funny, fun, thoughtful, crazy, romantic, kind, trustworthy, interesting, dynamic and most of all human...everything I have every wanted in a life partner.  Neither one of us is perfect and we won't EVER be.  I have no interest in perfection, I have interest in you.  I am a better person when you are in my life.  I love you Trevor, no matter what happens between us I will love you until the day I die.

 In closing I can only tell you again what I have to offer you.  Effort.  I will work everyday to make a relationship work.  I am not looking for perfection because I can't give it in return.  I will disappoint you, I will make you angry, I will make you sad.  That's part of life.  But I will try every day to make you a better person, just like you make me one. 

 Love, Karl

[I truly have no response to his final words. We saw our relationship clearly with uniquely different eyes and I don't think any amount of continued discussion would have amounted to anything. I didn't share his feelings at all in regards to us having a chance. I will own definitively that I broke up with him, perpetrating violence on me once is a major deal-breaker and there's no where to go from there as far as I am concerned.

What is curious to me is that the people in his life inquired about me, and where I was much more than the people in my life. I mean I had his mom emailing me things like 'I look forward to meeting you', so I am not going to discount that I had mom-approval and I hadn't even met her yet. It give me a great understanding that his perceptions of me and his feelings of me were sometimes incongruent and in conflict with his past traumas.

As I am finishing up this journal entry I have peaked at some of my instant message conversations and emails with friends at the time and whoa-nelly there was so much more going on, I was telling a friend that Karl had become unhinged and then you can really see him emotionally unravel in an instant message conversation, of course I am going to go read all of that to give me more context, but there was so much more going on offline that can't be properly included here without casting Karl in a darker light and that would never be my intention, Karl was who he was, I am who I am and we tried something I had never done before to attempt a romantic relationship with someone I had primarily a sexual relationship and it clearly failed.

The picture Karl attached was actually a tag which I am sure he saw in my first art exhibition because he attended it. I have included that image instead of his because the sentiment is the same albeit how that related to me and him, I will never know or understand]

[Photo by Brown Estate]