#their relationship is cute at parts and I’m not saying big age gaps are inherently awful

[infiniteetcetera]

I do totally agree with the irrational insecurity thing. It happens to the best of us and I even think if this was just something we see in Cassians head it would be understandable/sympathetic. I feel the bigger issue is how he takes that insecurity out on others and projects that sense of inferiority onto others’ view of him and acts out because of it (that’s why I brought up the Azriel parallel, and I think even Rhys does a good job of not letting that get to him)

THAT SAID I did just really want to expand on the comment about the bat boys’ age because I feel like it’s such a big problem/inconsistency for their characters. like truly the bat boys/ic would get so much less hate if they were the same age as the Archerons or even just 100-200 years old. Making them over five centuries old inherently implies they should have a certain level of maturity that is just completely absent and while we know all this terrible stuff happened to them in their youth and more recently when the books start there’s still this huge gap of like 300 years where everything in their lives for the most part should have been…really good???

Rhysand gets hate for being a bad high lord bc even though we know on some level he cares about his people it’s just sooooo hard to realistically believe he’s been unable to do anything about the issues in the CON and Illryia, especially because Velaris isn’t even his doing?? Like it already existed when he took power and yes it’s still mostly thriving but we’re not necessarily led to believe that’s because of him. I have no doubt his 50 years under the mountain led to everything going downhill, but it’s also never implied things were better in the NC before that, he was still “trying” to make changes and if three hundred years of trying has changed so little like maybe you aren’t trying hard enough…

Cassian I’ve read to filth above but I will just say he acts SO juvenile and like a genuine frat boy most of the time. It’s one thing to have a MMC in his twenties talk like that but when he’s a FIVE HUNDRED YEAR OLD MAN his creepy sexist gross comments are not cute or funny but a genuine red flag😩 even if it is just his “acting out” over how he feels he’s viewed if he hasn’t resolved that inner turmoil after 500 years i’m not sure he ever will.

Azriel I have a lot of sympathy for because I do feel like he’s still actively stuck in a bad space in his job with obligations we don’t yet fully understand and despite that I do think he is the most mature of the bat boys BUT his whole thing with Mor would make so much more sense on BOTH their ends if it was going on for 10, 20, 100 years rather than FIVE HUNDRED. I am of the belief that their relationship was just a genuine slip up on SJM’s part and they were originally meant to be together, but where it stands it’s just so weird for a literal spy to not pick up on the clues for so long and for Mor to feel like she has to hide who she is from her entire family for so long.

IDK, I just feel like the big unnecessary age gaps are a general problem in fantasy but in SJM’s other books it’s actually done very intentional and the characters who are older (Rowan, Hunt, Manon, Lorcan, etc) actually feel older and like there’s a reason for how long they’ve been alive and not just for a bit.

One of the most annoying things to me about the “poor Cassian he’s just a sad little brute of a warrior and Nesta makes him feel so inferior” arc in ACOSF is that it’s literally ALL CASSIAN’S OWN FAULT. Yes, his early childhood is especially traumatic and unfair but he was taken in by Rhys and his mother young enough (even earlier than Azriel) that he was given far more luxuries than any of the other Illyrians. The timeline is a bit screwy for the bat boys early days but Rhys took power relatively young after the war and Cassian was immediately put into a high ranking position of political power. He has all the money/power/luxuries he could want and also he’s FIVE HUNDRED+ YEARS OLD.

This man is not some poor sad underdog being belittled by a LITERAL TWENTY YEAR OLD WHO SPENT MOST OF HER LIFE IN POVERTY. Even the foil they try to do between him and Eris for sympathy is ridiculous. Yes, Eris is politically strategic, well dressed, knows how to dance and be diplomatic but CASSIAN COULD BE THOSE THINGS TOO and we know that not just because it’s obvious from his standing (which again he’s had for centuries) but because LITERALLY AZRIEL IS.

Azriel is described as the politest one constantly (even better at it than Rhys), Azriel knows how to dance expertly with Nesta (without needing sudden training from Mor), Azriel knows how to handle Eris and general diplomacy and AZRIEL HAD THE SAME UPBRINGING AS CASSIAN IF NOT A WORSE ONE. Again, the weird dichotomy they try to create between Cassian and Nesta about their social standing is ridiculous enough because it misrepresents Nesta but also the victimization of Cassian as if it’s somehow the worlds fault for his behavior and vilifying of people like Eris and Nesta for calling him out on it is insane.

[pearycider]

Oof reading Jane Eyre at 14 and at 19 are completely different experiences. She’s just a little baby child leave her alone you asshat

[chiscribbs]

So uhhhh I was just asking. Isn’t Cass too old for Varian(?)

(This is the question that I said I accidentally deleted my fully-typed answer to, so that’s why I’m so late answering. Thank you for your patience

Okay, I get asked this question a lot- and believe me, I understand why - so I’m gonna try and explain my thoughts on the subject to the best of my ability and hopefully that might clear up some misconceptions.

Deep breath, here we go…

Firstly let me say this: I don’t ship them at their current ages and have never claimed to. I’m not okay with adult x minor ships, so please don’t make that assumption of me (this isn’t directed specifically at you, btw, I’m just putting it out there so people know.) 

In fact, I really feel like the general concept of “shipping” is part of the problem here. Shipping tends to mean “x character and x character look cute together”, it tends to be a very shallow version of romance and doesn’t leave much room for more realistic relationship growth.

Here’s the thing.

Is Cass too old to be romantically involved with Varian at this point in the show? Yes. Or more specifically, he’s too young. There’s no doubt about that.

Does that rule out the possibility of their relationship developing later down the road? No. And I’ll tell you why.

Relationships mature with time the same way that people do.Someone who you once saw as a friend or even more like a sibling CAN become the object of your affections over time.

This is ESPECIALLY true after a long period of absence.

Varian and Cass are, at most, ten years apart (though it’s more likely closer to 7-9). So, say that they’re still friends when Varian is in his early twenties, they’d then be within the same age group (20-30.) Would it be weird for Cass to start to like him then? There’s nothing strange about two 20-something year olds being in a relationship, right?

So the age gap isn’t so big that it would make a relationship impossible.

“But she already knows him as a kid, isn’t that weird?”

I mean, not really? It’s not like she’s his babysitter or caretaker, there’s no creepy mom-complex involved here. They’re friends, and Cass has never really shown any sign of familial affection for him. There are plenty of examples in literature and television that feature an older character with a younger friend who later grow up to become each other’s love interest;Laurie and Amy (Little Women), Gaston and Gigi (Gigi), Ferb and Vanessa (Phineas and Ferb), just to name a few.

Plus, I’d argue they aren’t all that close yet??? Yeah, they had one bonding episode, but one day of getting to know someone doesn’t exactly cement your relationship with them. Especially considering Varian spent most of it trying to impress Cass and she spent most of it trying to prove herself to her dad.

(Not to mention the fact that they’re at odds with each other right now and presumably have miles between them. So I wouldn’t say their relationship is developing too much at the moment.)

I’d venture to say they have a lot more to learn about - and from - each other and that Great Expotations was only a glimpse of how well they suit each other as characters (romantic or otherwise.)

I still believe Cass will be vital to Varian’s redemption, maybe the Cassandrium will even have a part to play in it.

“Okay, but isn’t aging him up so that he’s old enough for romance kind of not-okay?”

If it was JUST him that was being aged up, then yeah. That’s a little weird. You shouldn’t have to adjust the age of a character to ship them. 

But exploring potential for a FUTURE romance when they’re BOTH older is not the same thing. That’s just jumping ahead on the timeline, it’s not manipulating a situation to make it “less illegal”.

It’s like if I were to say “what if Varian went on to marry Red or Angry when they’re all older?” 

That doesn’t seem weird, does it? It seems plausible.

Red and Angry are approx. 7-8 years old rn, which would make them about the same number of years apart from Varian as Cass. But since Varian is currently under 16, it’s easier to picture him with someone younger than himself. Even if the age gap is the same and it’s taking place in the distant future when they’re all much older anyway.

That’s why any romantic plots I have for the ship always take place years down the road. I never lessen the age gap between them, I just fast-forward to when it seems much smaller. Which, for the record, is not actually a big jump. The kid will be a young adult (17-18) by the time the series ends.

And for the record, I’ve never so much as insinuated that Cass CURRENTLY has feelings for Varian. I’ve never implied that she’s attracted to a minor. But I do LIKE the idea that she could eventually start to see him in a different light when they’re both older and more mature. And I can find nothing wrong with that concept.

I’m not even necessarily implying that I believe they’ll become canon in the show or anything like that. I just like to consider the “what if”s.

So, to conclude: Yes, Cass is too old to be romantically involved with Varian at their current ages, and I don’t support the idea of that happening. I do, however, see potential for their relationship to grow deeper over time and eventually become romantic.

And I still see nothing inherently wrong with that.

If there’s anything I failed to address here, send me an ask, I’ll be happy to cover it. 

I hope this has helped to clear things up some.

[fierceawakening]

1/? erinc1978/assholeanon again -- will try to respond to your questions as best I can. As a general point, I think I understand better now where you were coming from in terms of how you approached writing various parts of Steel and Promise, and I'm sorry for having been such a douche about it.

It’s Book Anon again. Cut for length, discussions of consent, some nonexplicit sexual content, and spoilers.

Re: 6/ – I think there were a few things that had me thinking Teran was saying that everything kind she’d done was purposeful manipulation. Some of this may well be incorrectly remembered through anxiety haze, but IIRC part of it was her general attitude during the conversation, that struck me as generally sort of triumphant and preening – along the lines of “ha, I got you to fall for me, aren’t I clever.” (cont’d)

Re:6/ contd - I think another was Cailyn saying something to the effect of “so what about the ‘you’re a jewel among stones’ business”, and Teran IIRC didn’t deny that was part of the manipulation. So I took it as being broader than the s/m. As we learn that Teran was trading torture to own Cailyn, that confirmed it for me emotionally – that she couldn’t have been sincere in her regret over upsetting Cailyn by merely wrecking her clothes if she had no qualms about buying her outright.

As a general note, I’m really sorry that my deactivating killed your archives of my asks. It didn’t occur to me that would happen. Should’ve sent everything as a message in the first place and then I wouldn’t have spammed your ask box. I didn’t remember there was another option until Tumblr cut me off and said, “Whoa, you need to wait an hour until you send any more asks.”

On the personal note - “safe” was a terrible choice of words for a complicated internal state that I was wrong to externalize, and I feel really bad for causing you more pain over this. I absolutely do NOT mean to suggest you are an Unsafe Person in any kind of general sense, and I give you my word that I will not say or imply to anyone, online or off, that you are not a safe person to be around.

As one last note - I understand why you feel jerked around, and I wish I could take back my actions and that I’d just discussed the book like a normal person in the first place instead of jumping to conclusions, but I can’t do anything more at this point than apologize. Just let me know when you want to be done with this interaction so that I don’t overstep your boundary (i.e. I give you a last response and then block). I found code to block websites via my OS, and when you’re done, I’m done.

Okay, so I don’t know if this helps at all, but I’ve been avoiding mentioning personal stuff because of the whole “safe/unsafe” deal which I didn’t want to feed into, but I feel a bit like I have to wade into it to make some of this make sense.

It’s true that some things about Teran are things I’ve experienced or are based on me. One of those things is that… when I joined the BDSM community around me at the tender young age of 21, I didn’t know too much about myself or where I fit in that bunch of overlapping letters. But I knew I was interested, specifically, in SM–I’d spent most of my young life fantasizing about people who liked pain, but I didn’t think they really existed, or thought they had some kind of Freudian complex that meant even if I knew what I was doing I’d harm them emotionally by enticing them into indulging in something that was bad for them. When I was a youngin you really couldn’t find much that positively portrayed people with pain fetishes.

But the thing was, when I got into the community? Intense masochists aren’t crazy or unhealthy and dating them doesn’t make you evil. BUT they’re rare. Most people are interested in sensation play but not really in intense SM stuff–and even more common than that is an interest in (usually mild/bedroom-only) D/s.

So finding partners, or at least finding partners that are actually complementary to me on that score? Is hard! They’re out there–there’s at least one in every community I’ve been in–but they’re relatively rare. 

In part because they’re rare, in my experience a lot of them were older, and actually a lot of them were in relationships. Of the “masochism was completely unacceptable when I married my wife, but I couldn’t stand it any more so I asked her to beat me, she said YIKES NOOOOO but eventually agreed I could go to play parties if I don’t actually side date anyone and hide the marks” sort.  (This is one reason I disagree with antis about age gaps. One of the first people I ever beat? Three times my age. Did he harm me? Well, I did end up hurting my shoulder by not realizing I was new to this and should have slowed down… SHIT SHIT SHIT THE ANTIS WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG!)

It’s kinda lonely, and is part of the reason I haven’t dated anyone since my last partner. They’re hard to find! At least if you actually want, you know, a relationship.

So that was the thing. Teran found one, he was actually single and interested, but he got sick and died. And she went back to the dark channels to look for another one, and couldn’t really find one, because as assholey as the nobles are, the dark channels are much more like… what most people were and what I wasn’t really looking for.

So Teran knows that almost anyone is gonna disappoint her, and either she can 1) keep having random dates with people hoping she chances on someone who is orientationally masochistic and be vaguely frustrated until she does or 2) try to see if she can train someone to become what she wants. (Especially someone who IS inherently submissive and wants to serve, which Cailyn is.)

So she does 2). Without making it clear what she’s doing, because she’s kind of a jerk. And because “oh, I’d like to alter your sexuality, you good with that?” is a big ask.

Doesn’t make it okay that she did that and wasn’t honest about it, and I’m not saying it is. Pushing someone’s soft limits can be okay–that’s why they’re soft limits–but not realizing someone might be just a little upset upon finding out that’s pretty much why they picked you? UH. TERAN NO.

From Teran’s perspective (which, again, TERAN NO) she expected Cailyn to figure it out. She never came out and said “this is an experiment,” but she talked often about how Cailyn’s experiences of pain and desires were shifting. So she thought Cailyn would figure it out, and assumed (again, TERAN NO) that Cailyn coming back over and over meant Cailyn was fundamentally okay with it. She knew she was being manipulative, but she didn’t realize how awful she was being. Which is why she was surprised when Cailyn was like “HOLY SHIT AM I AN EXPERIMENT?” as if this was 1) news and 2) bad news.

The other thing Teran does that is unquestionably horrible is the bargaining to own Cailyn. Whether it’s clear from the text or not (and I can’t really go back and reread in depth now to find out if I was too ambiguous about this), what I meant to say was that Teran wants Cailyn to freely consent to stay with her, and asks for it. When Cailyn says no, she initially respects it, but then the Councils (at the behest, of course, of Ben, who is the actual skin-crawlingly terrible person who gives no fucks whatever about consent so of course he would dream this crap up) basically say “you know if you do this for us you won’t have to worry about that cute girl running away from you *wink*” and… Teran goes for it, even though part of her knows she shouldn’t.

So again… I’m not trying to say I meant for what Teran did to be Okay Because She’s Lonely. It’s not okay. But I didn’t mean that she was a completely uncaring person. I meant that she was a very damaged person who gets what she wants through manipulation because why not when almost everyone despises you anyway, someone “liking” you means they want to rape you and force you to carry their kid, and the one guy who actually loved you was perfectly fine with heavy D/s… and died horribly anyway?

I appreciate you saying that you didn’t mean “safe” the way I took it. I just… if you actually think I am okay with real world dubious consent and was saying it’s fine, then… I actually deserve to have people warned about me. And the thing about it is… if you actually are a person who is abusive, or manipulative, or real-world wobbly on consent, you’re the last person to know it. Abusive and manipulative people make excuses for themselves to themselves, which is why it’s so hard for them to change.

So while my gut reaction to your comments is “I didn’t say that! I don’t endorse that! The thing I wrote isn’t that!” there’s part of me that feels that I can’t argue… because I’d always say/think that I’m safe even if I’m not. Which puts me in the awkward position of “That sounds wrong, and also insulting and hurtful! But that’s exactly what I would think if it was 100% correct!”

Which is where the scrupulosity spirals come from.

So the only thing I can really say and do is… again, give you as much of a platform as I can given the energy I have at any given time, and make sure people who aren’t me see it, and have the opportunity to decide for themselves whether I am accurately assessing myself as “someone who attempts to be positive and safe for friends and lovers” or not.

[murasaki-murasame]

Thoughts on Dreamin’ Sun v3

This took a bit longer to get to than I would have liked, but here we go. I’m still not entirely sure if I’ll keep up with this series in the long run, at least in terms of continuing to write about it on my blog, especially since apparently after about v5 we’re gonna be getting new volumes every three or so months rather than every two months, but I’m still really liking it for the time being, as a general tl;dr for my feelings on this volume.

Before I put the rest of this post under a cut, I want to take the time to recommend Ao no Flag to anyone that enjoys the themes of unrequited love and dreams for the future that are present in this manga, but want to see it done in a more serious, bittersweet way, and with a cast that has some gay characters in it. Even though Ao no Flag is done in a shonen magazine, and has some emphasis placed on a sports sub-plot happening in the mid-ground, it’s written in a way that I think would still appeal to people who like shoujo manga. So if you like this manga and want to see the same sorts of ideas handled in a different sort of way, please check it out. [I imagine that most people following me right now are already reading it, but still].

Anyway I’ll just put the rest of this under a cut, like always.

I guess I’ll just start with the bad stuff first and work my way up to the good stuff, just to get the negatives out the way.

I’m just gonna cut right to the chase and say that I hope the manga isn’t seriously setting up a Shimana/Taiga romance. I don’t know at this point whether or not that’s how this will end, but I hope it’s not. I don’t think it’d make me outright drop the series, but still. I just don’t like the idea of it. I’m fine with the basic concept of her developing a crush on him since that’s understandable, but it’s the idea of them hypothetically ending up in an actual relationship that grosses me out. I mean, on top of the age gap, there’s the fact that Taiga is Shimana’s landlord, and even if she could easily move back in with her parents if she needed to, that’s still a level of power imbalance that really doesn’t sit right with me. And then there’s the fact that the story puts a fair bit of focus on how he has a fatherly sort of relationship with her at the moment, so that kinda puts me even further off this whole idea. I’m holding back my reservations for now since we’re only a few volumes in and this might be a short-lived subplot and not an endgame thing, but I’m still keeping an eye on it. Though on the one hand, I guess that at the very least, continuing my trend of mentally comparing Taiga to Shigure from Fruits Basket, I’d technically be less angry at this potential outcome than I was about who that guy ended up with.

[Also just to be clear, me talking about my fears about how this might pan out aren’t an invitation for spoilers. I know this manga’s been finished for several years but I don’t know how it ends and I’d rather not be spoiled if I could avoid it]

On the topic of negatives, I don’t really mean this as a serious complaint, but the relative lack of Asahi screentime and complete lack of Miku screentime was kinda sad. I want to see more of those two.

I’m really not sure how I feel about Ken as of now. I feel like I got a bit of a wrong impression of him based on the bonus pages at the end of v1, so his actual personality really threw me off. I don’t think he’s a horrible person or anything, but I at least dislike his creepy attitude toward Shimana. It’s just kinda gross and unnecessary. I appreciate that he isn’t as bad of a brother to Zen as he seemed at first, mostly in that he’s trying to push him away in order to keep him from throwing his life away for his sake, rather than because he just hates Zen’s goals in life, but it’s not really enough for me to like him all that much. I hope he’ll grow on me. I’m curious to see how the whole subplot with him getting back into boxing and fighting his old friend turns out, but it kinda started right at the end of the volume so there’s not much to say about it.

Getting into the stuff that I really, truly liked about this volume, the rest of the content of this volume was basically just Zen 24/7 which I was kinda afraid of, going in, but this volume really made me love him, even more than I already did. I still have ambivalent feelings on him as a love interest for Shimana, but as an individual character he’s adorable and I love him. As soon as I saw him in the rain with his hair flattened down I was like ‘oh no he’s cute’, and basically it just went from there.

He’s just a complete tsundere dork in all the ways I love in a character. He can be kinda genuinely shitty at times, but there was a fair bit less of that in this volume. Most of it was spent with him being flustered and/or crying and/or angry at his brother, all of which I enjoyed seeing.

I knew that he had some sort of an unrevealed dream in life, but I wasn’t expecting him to want to be a manga artist. On the one hand it doesn’t quite fit his boyish, sporty attitude, but at the same time he’s drawing sports manga so it kinda balances out. It’s pretty cute, but also kinda sad, that he’s obviously basing his boxing manga idea off of his brother. In general, I hope he can eventually come to embrace and pursue his interest in it.

Which kinda tangentially gets me into the whole romance development [sort of] that happens between him and Shimana in this volume. I really like how, even if it didn’t really play out like Zen wanted, Shimana still wants to be there to support him in pursuing his dream. I just like that even after the events of this volume they’re still friends. I expected the whole kiss by the river to lead to more drama and avoidance between them, but it played out in an almost weirdly casual way. I still really do love how much the characters in this communicate their feelings to each other, as I’ve said before, but the two of them seemed to be a bit unrealistically transparent with each other in that whole scene.

Also on the note of positive communication between characters, I like that Shimana apologized to her friends about her outburst at them earlier, and I really like that they all apologized back to her and acknowledged that they were being pushy and rude. Even if it did lead into one of the many, many ‘characters assume that Shimana and Taiga are dating’ jokes in this volume, which was . . . certainly a thing that happened several times.

Back on the note of Zen, I find it weirdly amusing that he’s really skinny, considering that he seems to enjoy exercising. It’s endearing in a way that I can’t quite explain.

I have a feeling that even though he and Shimana came to a pretty clear ‘let’s just be friends’ agreement at the end of the volume, he’s probably going to keep trying to win her over, which I have mixed feelings about. I kinda just want him to move on, especially since I still think he’s the least likely of the main three guys to actually end up with her, and so him continuing to be framed as a love interest/rival would feel a bit pointless. We’ll see.

I hope that the story hasn’t completely dropped Asahi as a potential love interest. I get that they also came to a similar sort of understanding that they won’t end up together, but still. I’m just kinda biased because he’s my favourite guy, in terms of them as love interests. So it’d be kinda sad if that just sorta got dropped after two volumes. And even more so if he got dropped in favour of setting up an uncomfortable age gap romance, if that’s where this is going.

I’m curious to see where the whole background plot with the whole legal case is going to go, since that’s still a thing that’s happening. Hopefully they can successfully challenge the ruling.

I don’t think I have much to say about Taiga in this volume other than everything I’ve said about the idea of him being framed as a love interest. But I like that we’re slowly learning more about him, and seeing some more of his old friends. There’s clearly meant to still be lingering mysteries about what his deal is, though I’m still not entirely sure what to expect from that.

I’m also kinda worried that the whole subplot of sorts about him ‘having a fear of women’ is gonna be resolved in a really boring and generic way, and that a large part of his backstory and ‘mystery’ might just be tied up in him having some kind of angst over, like, an ex-girlfriend that made him get all scorned and bitter about women in general when she left. I’m kinda bracing myself for something like that. And that it’ll probably be resolved by him ‘finding the right girl’, and/or maybe getting some sort of petty revenge on the hypothetical girl who hypothetically hurt him. Who knows. It won’t really bug me much one way or another, but I feel like I’ve seen this sort of subplot a thousand times before and so I feel like I can see it all in advance. It’s not an inherently bad thing, it just feels a bit predictable and lame.

I feel like this post ended up more negative in tone than I expected, but oh well. I did really enjoy most of this volume. Mostly all of the adorable scenes with Zen.

For the most part this manga still feels like a more diluted and light-hearted version of other stuff I’ve read, but that’s not really a bad thing. I tend to gravitate toward things that are kinda heavy and depressing, so it’s nice to have things like this that are just cute and fun. I have a big soft spot for fluffy shoujo rom-coms like this, and so this is kinda exactly what I wanted from it.

But yes I’m going to reiterate my Ao no Flag recommendation for anyone who wants to see more of a serious and heavy take on ideas like unrequited love between teenagers. I mean I’m not gonna deny that for the most part I just want as many people as possible to read that series in general since it’s great, but you get what I mean.

In terms of things that are more similar in genre and tone to this, Fruits Basket is still basically the quintessential shoujo rom-com, but it’s such a long-standing and well-known part of the genre/demographic that it feels almost pointless to recommend it to anyone. It’s still worth reading though, if you want something like this series that’s more lengthy, more emotional, more supernatural, and with a larger cast than this series, while still being a shoujo rom-com through and through.

Hopefully I enjoy v4 when that comes out. Which I guess won’t be too far from now since it took me a while to get the time to read this one.

[theroadfromustome]

Mile 62

Well, this last mile has been a full one. Which is another way of saying that yet again, I’ve neglected posting for too long (a month maybe?). It feel like the weather has gotten warmer and everything has amped up. Buckle in, bc this is going to be a big spew, a catharsis of lots of things I don’t feel like I can say to anyone else; though of course I have been yakking to everyone about some of this.

First, the ugly: Going another round with H’s mother. I’ve realized how much of my years with H were spent managing her extremely fragile emotions. It’s exhausting. This time she outright told me that I didn’t respect her--of course if she respected me then she wouldn’t jump to the worst conclusion about my motives for my actions regarding MY child. It just infuriates me so much--and she totally defies all reason and logic and manages to make me feel like an inconsiderate, irresponsible jerk for not being omniscient or ordaining the universe. Another realization: she has always and will always treat me like an incompetent child and I am fucking DONE with it! I need her to move away. Not that it will end this shit, but it will hopefully make it less frequent and less potent. I now understand why my [current] sisters in law keep her at arm’s length. 

Also, regarding H: he’s so guarded everytime he’s around me. He’s like a big black cloud of tension and I feel like he brings shadows whenever I have to see him even briefly. What a reversal. Can it only be three months since I moved out? Poor thing, I gather he’s going through a rough patch right now, and possibly at slight odds with his dear mama as well. I do wish he would answer my legitimate inquiries about schedule though. I wish we had a better flow of comm, but he acts like I have a disease that will be communicated through the keyboard. So far things are passing between me and my mom and him. Which I know is not the adult way but like...if you won’t talk to me like a calm adult? He and his mom seem to be casting me as the enemy--but even combatants have parleys under a flag of truce. We have to resolve this sometime, but I’m perfectly willing to avoid it until he heals a bit more and is less dangerous to my peace of mind.

Ugh, just writing that out made me tense. On to the good!

The good: I’ve lost 17 lbs since January when I started this diet with my mom. I feel great this week too, bc I’m able to be more active with this nice weather. I also feel more productive at work, so all things are good. This all may be due to the next big event in my life detailed below momentarily; but I will say this: as the earth comes out of ice and is reborn to spring, so I feel reborn. This past week I have danced, grinned, sung, reconnected with musical theatre, etc. (and before that wrote!) in a way I haven’t in months. Some of this is due to this event--but I realize that before I get there I need to fill in one other item...

I went to visit an old friend from college, whom we will call S. This friend has been crazy about me since probably our second week of freshman astronomy, and it’s one of those where I’ve tried to make it work before and it just...won’t. This friend has stuck by me through all of this shit, and knows all of my flaws more intimately than almost anyone. He’s a complete vessel--a listener who won’t judge and who cherishes me no matter what. Which I know I take advantage of. Other than my mother, he’s the most unconditional relationship I have. If only he had his shit together and wasn’t illogically conservative. (We do NOT talk politics.) Also a bit sexist and racist--not that he’d ever act on them. For the sake of this bond we have I choose to ignore/avoid all that, but this is one of the reasons we just can’t make a relationship. But that doesn’t mean my visit was strictly platonic. I flatter myself that I contributed to his well-being in significant ways, but I definitely selfishly reveled in the experience of being cherished, and of the fierce, wonderful trust we share. I could cry just thinking about it--I can be so honest with him, about my ups and downs. And best of all: we are equals. Peers, partners, equals!!! I have never had that with a man. No matter the relationship. I find it sublime and somewhat irresistible. Even though I know it’s so unfair to him; bc we both know it can’t last forever. Anyway, that whole things has been good for me. Probably also bad in other ways. But it has reawakened a part of myself I thought gone forever, and that part is stronger than I ever remember it being. Trust and complete comfort are heady heady things. 

So from that we proceed to...drum roll...

I actually went on a date Saturday night. This is what I’ve been driving all my friends crazy about, and I hate myself for being such a spaz. They’re all darlings, but really, I need to get over myself. Which is why I’m going to try to exercise as much as possible here. 

So yeah, one of my coworkers has a brother. A brother who it turns out--came to visit our workplace months ago and was checking me out. Who then asked *repeatedly* to be introduced to me. Who, after I met him last month friended me on fb and then messaged me out of the blue about 2 weeks ago. Now, this man is brilliant (he’s a scientist--sexy and ridiculously intimidating at the same time), sophisticated, independent adult with a well-paying full time job and actual talent; he’s so freaking charming and good-hearted, he’s witty and considerate and he swing dances (swoon--if I dance with him my ovaries may never recover); not to mention my coworker is thrilled at the prospect. He’s also 5 years older than I am--I wasn’t exactly looking for age gap, but... Anyway, I’m still getting my brain to process the fact that he actually wants to spend time with me. Because his whole family is immortal--brilliantly talented, beautiful etc. And then there's me mere mortal with my messy-ass family. And all my baggage. And the fact that I’m trying desperately to crawl out of diapers and grow into a legit adult. I’m gonna throw some thoughts out below in no order or reason:

So the age gap: I was hoping to avoid it. After the good experiences of equality with S, who is only months older than I, I am wary of falling into the naive child role again. I am determined to be am equal adult, and yet already I feel myself pulled to alter my behavior--I can be so silly with S, and I feel like Charming here would think me immature--when around this guy. Also, he’s into scifi and have only moderate xp there, also he hikes and camps--the idea of hiking with him actually sounds utterly lovely (talk about day-dreaming), camping... But I mean I’m willing to try--I’m just so wary of losing myself again. Of putting his needs above mine and doing whatever I can to keep him from rejecting/punishing me. It’s so frustrating yet again how easily my bad habits kick in like clockwork. 

Speaking of my neurosis: I am WAY too invested in this. Super fixated. Some might say I’m obsessing. Which I suppose has always been my way with boys. But you’d hope I’d behave differently at 31 than I did when I was 12, 14, 15. So first I was mooning and daydreaming about him while grinning like a complete dope and humming songs (like, full out cliche) Sunday and Monday, and then I was stupid and was overtly flirty (like dude back off AB, you had *one* date) on Monday evening and he just--wham--dropped communications. I’ve heard nothing from him since, and I’m using all powers of mind control I possess and prayer (sorry God) to will him to just message me for like 5 minutes so I know he still likes me, that I didn’t freak him out by behaving like a silly girl. I so want to do this like an adult, but apparently I am incapable. If this doesn’t happen, like fi we don’t work out, then fine. But I’ll be crushed if it’s bc of my inherent flaw of childishness. And what if it is inherent? What if I cannot actually function in an adult relationship?

That’s another thing--I am so putting the cart before the horse. Like we met, we chatted twice, and then we spend 5 hours eating Thai food and walking all over his neighborhood. He should not be and *is* not the center of my universe. I’d like to think I wouldn’t be behaving this stupidly if he hadn’t kissed me. I’d like to think I could be cool and removed and totally ok with the fact that he seems to be compartmentalizing the amount of time he spends with me (his job is hell, apparently; another red flag, but he’s so charming....) if he hadn’t kissed me. So I wasn’t sure how to gauge it--were we just two adults enjoying each other’s company? I know he thinks I am cute--but physical attraction doesn’t mean he actually likes me. I mean, I think he was flirting with me--the body language was promising, I’m fairly certain he was nervous at the beginning (but it’s a date who wouldn’t be?), and he like, touched me arm and such you know the way you do when you’re just broaching physical contact. And then when I left I went to hug him and...it was not a platonic hug. It was brief but...there was...heat...a tiny little simmer. And then, there was a second hug, and he briefly, subtly, turned into my neck and placed a quick little kiss there. It was chaste as hell, a bit uncertain I think, but it changed everything. I mean I dunno maybe it was just quarter to midnight and goodwill talking. Maybe he’s just affectionate and that was his way of saying “Thanks for a good time.” Maybe it all goes back to the sex and it’s purely physical? I just--I have such a hard time thinking he actually sees anything in me bc I’m so--uninteresting--I’m not ambitious or successful, I’m insecure as fuck, I have plenty o’ baggage, I’m not cosmopolitan or well-read or witty. All I have is the loyalty and affection of a--child. I gather it’s been some time since he’s been taken care of, and of course that appeals to me, taking care of him, but maybe he likes being self-sufficient? He certainly is. And again!!!! It’s too soon for me to be thinking this way. But I just do this. What is my problem??? I keep thinking once he gets to know me he’s going to bail. And at this point that would hurt more bc it would mean my weaknesses had caused me to fail again than bc I’m madly in love with him, but still. The more I invest the worse it will be when this whole thing crashes. But I can’t not give it a try--even if I see eminent disaster on the other side. I keep hoping my instincts will be proven false.

On a lighter note: I am ridiculously physically attracted to him. Like--keep daydreaming about kissing him...and other things...

I just--why am I so fixated on this? Why is he the only thing I can think about? I have a life! I can’t just be marking time until I see him again. GET A GRIP, AB! I keep singing “He is not thinking of me” to myself. Bc I guarantee he is going about his business as usual--like a fucking adult--and taking Saturday night for what it was: a pleasant evening. 

Nonsequitur: If he doesn’t message me in the next few days I may implode.

Also, I just wish for some clarity. It’s like dating Jane Bennett. No clue if he’s just being nice or....?

Why is my professional performance so tied to whether or no a man is interested in me? What the hell is that about?!!!

I will say this--it’s nice to feel romance again. I feel like me again. The bitter gone-by feeling I had at my cousin’s wedding is banished, replaced by all the hope and cheer of spring and things beginning. Also, showtunes again! Singing again! I could go into “Bewitched, bothered and bewildered” but that song is too cynical. Instead, I’ll end with the line that was running through my head all day Monday:

“I don’t know why I can’t think of anything I would rather do than be wasting my time on mountains with you.”

And now, off to church!

[corbinite]

I’m still really bent over how my ex claimed to be taking the age gap in cmbyn seriously but then literally every single review he liked for it conveniently didn’t even mention the age gap and acted like it was just another romance movie. And then he claimed to take it seriously that the author admitted to promoting pederasty but then when it came down to it claimed that the author’s views on age gaps were largely irrelevant to the story, that the author trying to promote age gaps and normalize the idea of an older man teaching an adolescent about sex and love was not much to take into account when evaluating the story he wrote about a grown man fucking an adolescent. He literally said “yes it’s really creepy that the author would try to promote the idea of adults fucking inexperienced adolescents but I just don’t see how it’s relevant to the story he wrote about a big age gap even though the quote where he promoted pederasty was explicitly a quote about that book that I claim it’s not irrelevant to”. Oh it’s just “not perfect” but he still loves the book. It admittedly romanticizes unhealthy things but it’s just “not perfect”. I’m still so bent over how fucking.... creepy he was over it. He started out being very against the age gap. But as soon as cutesy gifs of the film started surfacing, as soon as he started seeing how attractive the actors were (in his eyes), he gradually started adjusting his opinions to be more lenient of it. Literally as soon as he saw those things it went from “The concept is gross” to “oh I still don’t really approve of it but I’m keeping an open mind, I can’t judge the romanticization of a huge age gap if I haven’t seen it.” The more cutesy gifs he saw the more lenient he got. “it looks cute. The way the age gap is so visually obvious still isn’t perfectly comfortable, and the gap itself isn’t totally comfortable, but it can still be a cute story”. Then eventually “the age gap isn’t perfect for the relationship but the story about it is perfect”. Then eventually he said “If you ever claim that the visual age gap between the actors is uncomfortable you’re a creep for infantilizing chalamet” even though he previously thought the visual juxtaposition was creepy too. And then eventually he pretty much dropped the whole “it’s not romanticizing the age gap, it can depict an age gap and be a perfect film without romanticizing it” and started basically finding no problem with the age gap at all. Not one of the reviews he ever liked ever even acknowledged the age gap. Because that would be inconvenient. There was one review he liked that wasn’t absolutely glowing but even then it still didn’t really address the inherent issue with the age gap. He claimed to be ‘keeping an open mind’ which is always really fucking convenient for people supporting creepy things to say, especially since they always say that while shutting out criticism. He was such a fucking hypocrite. And he engaged in such toxic mob mentality. And that whole shitty creepy mentality he displayed with regards to that movie, it was so viscerally familiar. Because it was exactly how he acted in our relationship towards me. He was a hypocrite, he held me to severe double standards that he didn’t hold himself to, he claimed to be ‘keeping an open mind’ in order to shame me for not being more open yet he never actually took me seriously or kept an open mind to the things I said, and he engaged in some creepy abusive mob mentality with his friend group towards me where they all enabled each other in their attacks towards me all because they thought I had no right to be hurt or want to leave him because he was too perfect apparently. I wish he had just taken me seriously once. I wish he had cared enough. I don’t know why but part of me thought that when confronted with how uncomfortable I was with that movie, he would try to make up for how he treated me. For some reason I thought he would try to compensate for how little he took me seriously. I thought he would remember how he constantly dismissed my feelings and called my boundaries in the relationship weak and wrong, and I thought he would try harder to be nice towards my feelings. But he valued everyone else’s opinions over mine. Because my opinions were less cute. And I’m still so fucking hurt. I’m still really struggling with it. I hate it so much