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ode-to-tragedy · 2 months ago

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The door to the instrument room creaks open.

"Ode..?"

Ode looks up from their chaisse, leg extended in a makeshift splint. The fall from earlier bent the wood in an odd way, yet somehow didn't break it fully.

"I was wondering to where you ran off, Vaga. Do come in."

He hesitantly does, looking around at the instruments still strewn across the ground. "Where's my brother?" He asks.

"Nova went to the village to obtain more wood glue and wrapping. He suspects our residential doctor may not have such supplies... and I am not yet comfortable allowing him to assist me physically."

"That makes sense... let me help." Vaga goes to the nearest instrument, a cello, and carefully puts it back in its stand.

"I thank you sincerely, Vaga. Your help is much appreciated."

"Yeah... of course."

For a long while, there is a comfortable silence as Vaga continues picking up instruments and putting them back in place. At least, comfortable for Ode.

Vaga's heart pounds in his palms as he grips the instruments to set them in place. The guilt of earlier with Nathan eats away at his thoughts as the lack of understanding as to why he's so fearful about their relationship uneases him further. Something, just something about telling people, it feels so taboo, so unsafe for him, so vulnerable that someone would be bound to take advantage of it.

.... but no one here is like that. Not one soul. Not even Slyn. Vaga keeps thinking that to himself, over and over, yet it fails to calm his anxiety. Something, just something, keeps him from feeling safe revealing the relationship... or, moreso, revealing his own self.

He doesn't feel like he's supposed to be like this. He doesn't know what's wrong with him.

As the last of the instruments are picked up, Vaga's eyes drift to Ode. They have either been watching him or staring down at their leg without any hint of emotion. They're the least of his worries when it comes to these secrets.... he knows they will always be supportive of him no matter what, even if their tone towards him may appear cold. No teasing, no questions, no jokes... just serious, genuine support.

Vaga bites his tongue as he lifts the last bass onto its stand. Ode half smiles, a curve in their lips he's grown to learn is simple gratitude and approval. His heart starts to race as they sit straight up.

"I must applaud you for your efforts, Vaga," they start. "I do heavily appreciate your care in handling my instruments, and I also applaud your diligence and swift nature in tidying. Your help is greatly appreciated, and I most sincerely thank you.. I will find a way to commend your help, if you so desi-"

"Ode I have something to say."

Vaga almost clamps his hands over his mouth as the words slip out. He didn't mean to interrupt them whatsoever, it was an impulse choice he immediately regrets. Regardless, Ode tilts their head slightly as their smile fades into curiousity.

"... oh? And what might that be, Vaga?"

He tries to speak, to get just something out.... of course, now, the words cling to his throat and refuse to be heard. He tries to force them out, as quiet as they may be from fear.

"I..... ... I'm.... I... don't think I like girls..."

"Please raise your voice some."

"I'm gay, Ode. I... don't like girls. I'm gay."

He says it with head hung low, eyes glued to his feet as he holds his body so tense it almost hurts. His palms grow clammy as he hears the words echo in the room, like the walls are mocking him.

Ode evidently was expecting more. "Did you believe me to not have known?" they ask. "I have known you since you were 12, Vaga, it would be incredibly dense of me to not at least suspect it. I hope you have not forgotten that I am also gay, as you act as though I will shun you like hateful priests and preachers for who you love."

Vaga struggles to respond beyond a hushed "I know, but...."

Ode inspects their strings slightly, almost in a bored sense. "You are afraid to admit you like men to me. I may not like men, but I do not dislike those who do. You act afraid, as though I will judge you for it.... you do realize I am arguably the least cisgender, least heterosexual person in this kingdom, yes? Where is my place to judge you?"

Once again, Vaga fails to respond as Ode continues a little.

"To be quite perfectly honest, I believe the only one who may be less so than I, or at least less cisgender, is Nathan."

He feels his muscles tighten and breathing hitch. Should I tell them..? He wonders to himself. Would he care if I told only Ode, even though I'm the one who's wanted to keep this so long? He wouldn't be mad if I told them without him here, right...?

".... you are tense."

".... um."

A hint of interest brightens Ode's face. "Are you and Nathan together.??"

Vaga tries to deny it but finds himself unable to. They would be able to see right through the lie regardless... plus, he feels worse saying they're not together than anything. Logically, it's really not something to be ashamed of whatsoever and he knows it. He feels terribly guilty for the shame he can't seem to shake.

Vaga's nod is so miniscule it's nearly impossible to see. ".... please don't tell anyone. Or... tell him I told you."

Once again, Ode finds themselves in a state of confusion. "I assume he does not wish for anyone to know?"

"No, it's me who doesn't want others to know... I don't think he minds very much if others know..."

"So it is you who wishes to keep the secret," they confirm.

"Mhm..."

Ode stares at Vaga across the room for a bit before carefully moving their legs off the chaise, opening the other end.

"Come, Vaga. Sit with me."

Vaga reluctantly walks over and sits. He's had so many lectures and lessons on this chaise in this exact spot that he already knows he'll be there for a while.

Ode places their hands in their lap, sitting high and attentive as they think of how to ask their questions.

"... I do not... believe I understand you," they start. "I do not believe I understand your current situations and actions. You appear very reluctant to speak of these matters as a whole, even with I, although I have attempted to establish myself throughout the years as a safe individual to speak about such matters to."

"...."

"Nathan is okay, or more okay than you, with revealing your relationship. Yes?"

Vaga nods.

"Then it is only by your wishes to keep it secret, both your relationship and your sexuality. Yes?"

Another nod.

"Why is that? The quantity of those who are not heterosexual or cisgender far exceeds the quantity of those who are. You do not have much to gain from hiding such minor facts from us."

"It's not minor to me...."

Ode waves it off slightly. "Regardless, I fail to see your logic. You are acting afraid, as if something terrible will occur due to your admittance, and I am only possibly a safe person to tell.

"If you cannot explain, you are not required. But I would like to better understand where it is coming from so I may help you more."

Vaga finds himself eyeing the ground again as he tries to explain his thought process and emotions.... so, so, so much easier said than done.

"... I guess I am afraid, yeah...."

"Of what, exactly?"

"I don't know.?! Being... teased, I guess?" Vaga shrugs a little. It's a weak answer, but it also isn't entirely false, knowing how his brother is. Teasing is certainly something he wants to avoid, from anyone he can.

Ode also seems a little unsatisfied with that answer. Once again, they expected more. "Those of the kingdom are very understanding of boundaries and not crossing them, I have no doubt you would be able to set some in place with everyone. Yes, even Nova. I will be willing to enforce that as well, if you feel better about such."

Vaga nods slightly, hands clasped tight and far in front of him. ".. yes, please... that'd be nice, I guess..." He mumbles.

".... it is not only about the teasing, is it?"

Vaga shakes his head. A familiar lump starts to grow in his throat, which he swallows back... it's a feeling he knows far too well, one that occurs much more than he cares to admit.

"... are you truly afraid to come out?" Ode asks, almost disbelieving.

".... a little..." He means much more than just a little.

"... forgive me for asking, but... of what??? What are you afraid of when pertaining to publicly coming out???"

"...... safety?" He squeaks out. He knows that logically makes absolutely no sense, and it's written on Ode's face.

"Does someone here make you fear for your safety? Other than the snake?"

"No, not even him, it's genuinely no one here and.. I don't... know why."

Vaga bites his inner lip. Something about this conversation doesn't even feel safe in it's own right, yet he can't quite identify what it is. Everyone in the kingdom is indeed safe for him, yet he feels as if he needs to speak in hushed whispers and avoid certain things, as if there indeed is someone unsafe lurking, listening to and watching everything.

Ode leans back in their seat, arms crossed. "You are a shy, timid, skittish man, Vaga. But even this fear is not irrational."

"But it's so stupid!" He exclaims. "I don't want to be so afraid, I don't even know why I am, I just feel like if word gets around, someone's gonna find out and I'm gonna be in trouble, and if our relationship goes public, both of us are going to be in danger!!"

Ode blinks in surprise at his sudden burst of emotion. ".. Vaga-"

"No, let me finish because even I don't know what is fucking wrong with me and I'll never have the words to say it!" Vaga interjects. He stares straight ahead as he rants, trying to avoid inevitable tears.

"I love Nathan a ton. He's amazing and understanding and sweet, but any time I think about giving him any kind of affection or compliment in public, it feels so wrong for me! And fuck if I know why, it's like I'm being watched, and it was okay before, but Mirobelle almost walked in on us and I completely panicked and hid under the bed. And when she left and I saw Nathan, he just looked so hurt and confused, and I think he thinks that I feel like I'm ashamed of us, but I'm not, I swear Ode, I'm not ashamed! But he looked so hurt, and now I'm scared he's going to leave me and-"

"LEAVE you???"

Ode's sudden incredulity finally make a Vaga pause and look at them. They're looking at him like he's out of his mind.

"Pardon me for interrupting, but... you believe Nathan is going to leave you... because you want a private relationship???"

... well, when phrased like that, it does sound ridiculous. Vaga feels like shrinking to the size of an ant under Ode's shocked gaze.

"I have essentially raised you for the past eight years of your life, I swear I did not raise you with this kind of insecure outlook on relationships! Do you truly, honest to heavens, believe that is the case? That Nathan will leave you for a desire as small as a private relationship?"

"It's more than-"

"Vaga. Answer the question."

After a long pause, Vaga shakes his head. Nathan wouldn't do that, and he knows it. Ode sighs with mild relief and holds their head a little.

"That is what I thought. You must not let your emotions control your thoughts."

"... I know. I'm sorry."

"An apology is not necessary... what is, however, is to restart. I only require a yes or no answer from you."

Vaga nods, looking upwards.

"Now then... you are afraid. Yes?"

"... yes."

"Of people discovering your relationship."

"Yes."

"Of people discovering you are gay."

".... yes."

"Do you have any possible idea why...?"

Vaga thinks for a long, long, long time.

".... because it feels wrong."

Ode tilts their head curiously, although their expression remains stoic. "Do you feel being gay in general is wrong? Even for others?"

"No, of course not, it just.... feels wrong for me specifically."

Vaga holds his arms tight, face warm with shame as Ode thinks of their next questions.

"Why do you feel it is wrong specifically for you?"

"I don't know... I mean, everything feels wrong for me in general," he replies. "I mean, look at me... way that I dress, way that I act, way that I dance, it's.... none of it feels right. I don't like any of it for me. Being gay... doesn't... fit?

Ode looks Vaga up and down. "You are still wearing the exact same uniform that you have since you first arrived. Seldom have you worn anything other than this, no matter the occasion.... one could argue that the way you dance is a similar scenario. It has changed very little in any way other than skill since you have arrived, even now that everything has changed."

Vaga doesn't reply for some time. They aren't wrong.... neither of those have changed much throughout the years. He's always dressed and performed in a similar way, but he's started to dislike both as he's grown.

"... what are you trying to say, Ode...?"

"You have changed very little in the time you have been here... unfortunately, most of it has been out of your control. However, even now, with our freedom, you remain in this... stereotype. This mold that you do not fit."

Vaga looks down. "I have to be perfect, I guess...." he whispers. "I have to look perfect, I have to act perfect, I have to be perfect... and for me, being gay.. or being openly gay... just doesn't fit that."

Ode nods as they listen. "... perfection in people is subjective. By whoms standards is this perfection..? Are they yours? Who do you desire to please with this... 'perfection'?"

Vaga shrugs a bit. He doesn't like this view of perfection for himself... it doesn't feel quite right.

There's a moment of silence as he tries to come up with a better answer of who he's trying to appeal to... Ode, Nova, Nathan, Samuel, Mirobelle, and most of the other characters are already off the list. He tries to think of people he fears... he never really felt heavily impacted by Slyn, as he never took much interest in Vaga's occupation. He ponders more slightly about anyone else he's known over this time...

The realization hits him like an avalanche.

Hexe.

"... you have realized something," Ode notes as they observe Vaga. The confusion has dissipated from his expression, melting into nothing but a cold chill of dread down his spine.

"... you'll laugh."

"Never."

"You'll think it's stupid."

"It cannot be, if it invokes such fear within you, who or what could possibly-"

They stop in the middle of their sentence, realization dawning on their face. Vaga hangs his head as the pieces fall into place and he watches Ode's expression gain a tense, fearful edge as well.

"... It is her.... is it not?" They finally whisper.

"I told you it was stupid..."

"Stupid? Vaga, in what possible way could your fear of her be 'stupid'???"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe because she's fucking dead???"

Vaga hugs his knees close with one arm and holds his head with the other, a few incredulous laughs escaping him.

"She's gone, and we all know it. We're safe! We never have to deal with her again, except I do, because it still feels like she's here somehow! You saw what she did to Samuel and Alex, and she threatened to do the exact same thing to me if I let myself be gay as well!

"All of this- the outfits, the dancing, everything that I'm trying to be to other people- it's because I'm terrified of her! Ode, it doesn't feel like she's gone- I keep feeling watched and listened to, like her spirit or something is haunting me, and I'm so stupidly scared of her even now that it's stopping me from doing or being what I really want- but, hell, I don't even know what I want to be! I don't know anything about myself!!!"

He grips his hair, choking on pained laughter. "Everyone's been healing, Ode, and being themselves. The only thing I've done to start healing is finally start dating someone I like but I can't even be a good boyfriend to him in public because I'm afraid of a homophobic, abuser who's dead!!"

"Isn't that just pathetic, Ode?! Being afraid of someone who can't ever hurt me again and letting it take over my life... that's ridiculous, right? Come on Ode, tell me I'm being irrational, tell me this is stupid!" He pleads, looking up at Ode.

The older's face is nothing but a pained, shocked pity. Vaga finally feels the tears breach his eyes, streaks of warmth pooling down his cheeks.

He lowers his head, choking back sobs and gripping his knees as droplets soak into tights. Resentment and humiliation cloud his mind, and he can't decide if he blames himself or Hexe more. It feels so ridiculous to be so heavily affected by someone with no possible way to hurt him anymore.

After a few moments, Vaga feels two hands gently placed on his shoulders. He tilts his tear-stained face up to Ode.

"It is not stupid," they calmly say. "It is not irrational. It is not ridiculous. And it is not pathetic."

"... b-but she isn't even here anymore-"

"That does not change the matter. It is not stupid."

Ode reaches to the table behind Vaga and grabs a handkerchief. They offer it to him, which he takes and wipes his face.

"Abuse causes many, many complications in the mind.. especially abuse of the likes of her. You were controlled by fear... that in itself not something one may be freed of simply due to their abuser being absent or unable to harm, especially not fear built up over years. This is not an uncommon issue for such victims."

Vaga continues to listen in silence as Ode looks up at the ceiling.

"To be quite honest, I do sometimes also forget we are free. I had expected this, when she was killed... just because they are gone, does not mean it will feel like it. Some abuse will... affect one for the entirety of their life. It can completely change a person and their way of thinking... or scare them into never changing. That is simply the nature of abuse."

"And... that's normal?" Vaga squeaks.

"It can be. There is never any true normality with abuse, as it varies heavily between different people, and the reactions and effects of it do as well. The only true normal part is that it is unpredictable."

Ode looks back down at Vaga, who's mostly collected himself at this point.

"You are a fearful man, Vaga. It is a fact. You are fearful and nervous, and she had played on that aspect of you for years upon years. Your desperation for security and safety has been long associated with you trying to fit in this impossible mold she made for you... and you are trying to fit into it, despite the fact it is not you.

"You dress in clothes you dislike. You force yourself to eat little to maintain your physique. You dance endlessly and tirelessly, devoted to an art you have started to grow weary of. None of it is you, and it continues to make you feel as such."

"... and... it's not stupid...?"

Ode shakes their head. "Never are the remnants of trauma and abuse stupid. Never."

Vaga is quiet for a moment, looking down at the handkerchief.

"... you know a lot about this," he eventually whispers.

"..... it is not my first time subject to similar manipulation and abuse. I suspect the only reason I am faring well after her is because I have some knowledge on coping... at least for myself."

"Does it help you be less afraid...?"

They nod. "It does help. Not entirely, but it does."

"Does it help you feel safe..?"

"Safer. Not safe... that comes from the people whom I surround myself. I may only do so much to make myself feel safe."

Vaga thinks for a bit.

".... what do I do? I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to be a shy, insecure, scared crybaby anymore.. I want to feel safe. Can you tell me what I can do to feel safer?"

There's a pause of silence, as Ode folds their hands in their lap again.

"... to start, do not call yourself that. You are what you believe. If you wish to not be a 'shy, insecure, scared crybaby', do not describe yourself as such."

Vaga nods.

"Good. That being said..." Ode smiles warmly. It's one of their more rare, lively kind of grins, without much suppressed emotion. "I will gladly show you. I do not want you to be afraid either. Shall you listen?"

Vaga feels a smile tug at his lips as he nods again.

"I'm listening."

"It is about the change as a whole. As stated, you have not changed very much from the time she has been here until now.... without the change, you will hold onto the same mindset.

"It will feel awkward. And yes, it will perhaps be scary to start. But I do confirm... if you are able to change yourself- your clothes, your habits, your day-to-day activities... your mind will reflect it as such. If you change yourself, you will also change your mindset. Do you understand?"

Vaga once again nods.

"..... what do you think I can start with?"

"Well, what would you wish to change first? We shall start there. It will be a slow process."

Vaga glances down at himself before looking back up at Ode. "... I think my clothes, heheh. I don't have really anything else to wear, though... and Alex is already busy as it is."

Ode ponders on the matter for a moment before they seem to get an idea.

".... Vaga. Would you be so kind as to assist me in standing and walking, please?"

Vaga tilts his head, but nods and stands, helping Ode stands on one leg. Their other, injured leg hangs a little limp, but otherwise they manage to hobble along side him. Vaga keeps their arm around him, avoiding any contact with their torso or waist.

"Where are we going...?" He asks.

Ode simply responds, "To my room. I may have something that may be of use to you."

The two travel upstairs, and go imto their room. Vaga always finds himself in awe at how spacious yet empty the room really is, with minimal vintage furniture and even less color. Dancing in this room would feel like a dream

Ode guides them to their closet and sifts through the many white shirts hug along the rack. Vaga can't help but peek inside, awed by their clothing style and various items he wouldn't have expected. He notices a small bookshelf with various music binders, all black. Sitting on the bookshelf is a porcelain dress, clad in a black dress and missing an eye. He swallows back anything he wants to ask about either.

Ode finally hands him a shirt... it's shockingly small compared to them, but still their style: stark white, mismatched bell and bishop sleeves, and a jabot pinned by a single red, round gem. Vaga's eyes widen in awe.... it looks as if it might fit him.

"This had unfortunately shrunk while being washed a mere few months ago.... I had planned to see if one of the smaller residents would be interested, however I have suspicion it may be given to you."

Vaga takes the shirt and feels the material between his fingers... it's shockingly soft and not as stiff as he'd imagine.

"... c... can I try it on? Please?" He asks, trying to not get excited so soon. Ode motions to an opaque divider in one corner of the room with a smile and small nod, and Vaga almost runs over, but not before helping Ode sit on the bed.

Vaga smiles. He actually like how he looks for once.

He quickly takes off his sleeves and leotard, leaving only his tights as he slips the shirt on. It's still a little big, and would look even more ridiculous if he tried to tuck it into the waistband of his tights... but staring into the mirror in the corner, Vaga can't peel his eyes away. He smooths the fabric down his front torso, where the chest window in his leotard once caused much discomfort with cold air on the exposed skin... there's no skin this time, however; only fabric under the jabot.

Ode's smile grows as the redhead exits the changing corner.

"There will need to be adjustments made.... however, they are minimal. Judging your smile, I conclude you like it."

Vaga nods eagerly. "I really, really do... it feels way better than the leotard."

"I suspected as such... they look relatively uncomfortable to begin with, if I am honest. "

Vaga nods in agreement. Now that he's wearing this, he never wants to wear his normal uniform again.

"Now," Ode suddenly states seriously. "This is only a part of the change that one must make. I would heavily, heavily advise you speak to Nathan as well. He deserves to know of your fear and reasonings for keeping your relationship and self private... it will also be part of your own change, to directly tell him why you are afraid. understand?"

"Yes Ode."

"Good. You may feel better with these clothes now, but change and breaking away from your former self is a difficult trial. Do not expect your change as a whole to appear overnight. To heal from trauma and abuse is a long journey, one that may never be fully accomplished. Some aspects of yourself you may never be able to change because of her. That is alright. Change is important, but you cannot change everything. Understood?"

"Yes Ode."

Ode crosses their arms. "When shall you speak to Nathan?"

".... tonight or tomorrow, I think. I'm going to spend the rest of the daylight alone thinking about this."

"If you insist- do as you please, whatever it may be."

Vaga nods.... he thinks about what he wants to do. Dance? No, not really. Practice? Definitely not.

.... study. Yeah, I want to do that.

"Yes Ode."

Ode smiles brightly.

"I am very, very proud of you, Vaga. You have learned lots today. I shall assist however I may as you heal.... I suspect this is a good start for you, however."

"Thank you, Ode.... thank you so, so, so, so, so, so much, I really can't... just... thank you!"

Ode chuckles ever so slightly. "You do not need to thank me.... but I am pleased I could assist. Is there anything else you may need from me?"

Vaga thinks for a moment before something pops into his head. His usual, sheepish gaze returns as he silently and awkwardly opens his arms, expecting some kind of rejection.

Ode pauses for a few seconds, staring at him.... before nodding and opening their arms as well. Vaga moves into their arms, hugging them tight. It's odd for a moment, given they're both not quite used to this, much less being hugged with Ode's semi-new body.... but neither of their smiles drop.

There's only gratitude, safety, security, and understanding between the two for a long, long time.

When Vaga finally pulls away, he's smiling more than Ode remembers him ever having smiled before. He bows slightly, in the same fashion they do, before grabbing his normal clothes, turning and running out the door, letting it shut behind him.

Ode listens as Vaga's footsteps fade down the hall, followed by the skitter of him running down the stairs. They sigh with a smile.... something about the way his face lit up when wearing clothes of their style, it was far more than they expected from him.

... come to think of it, they aren't quite sure exactly what his genuine style even is. All they know is something less feminine than what he's been wearing before.

"... I suppose I still have much to learn about him, even now," they whisper to themselves, standing and hopping back to the closet as best as they can. They sit as carefully as possible in the open doors, gently taking hold of the doll and brushing her hair out of her eyes.

"... did you see? We are helping people," they softly utter with a smile and hug. "We are helping people in the same way we helped ourselves. We are doing for them what we always wanted."

The doll does and says nothing, yet Ode holds it with all the care in the world, like it's such a fragile being in desperate need of care. A lump wells in their throat as they comb the dolls hair with a tiny little brush.

"You are doing amazing here, better than you ever thought. You are helping others to heal, now..... and it is helping you to heal as well. They love and care for your opinion and support... something others have taken for granted. But they do not anymore, not here."

They smile and hug the doll, imagining themselves being hugged in the same manner.

"... we are doing good. All of us. It will be alright, and I can say that surely now. We will be alright."

#thegrandmaestro #scholaronstage #tw past abuse #tw ed mentioned #as a non-abused person i did my best with this

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