#the writing is sloooooow rn team

[queerspacepunk]

set your sights a little higher - #02

ofmd | ed/stede | heist!au

> #01 (inconvenient timing)

i did another one!

#02 (a cask of utter bullshit)

Ed stares at the reinforced glass door set into the kitchen floor, and the staircase spiralling down beneath it and thinks – not for the first time – that one of the worst parts of this job is how often he has to bear witness to the evidence of people having way too much money.

Fucking thing's not even locked.

To be fair, the mansion itself had had pretty decent security. Beefy enough that they'd ended up going in while it was occupied (not Ed's favourite and the reason Izzy's on perimeter for this one) just for the slight relaxation of the measures that brings.

He's even had to tie a black bandana over his face just as a reminder not to mutter away to himself and risk setting off the billionaire-owned smart home software.

The stairs down to the wine cellar are alarmed, or they would be if the owner had remembered to reset it after heading down for a bottle earlier that day, but Ed still skips the step that would trip it off.

Below, he finds more wine than any one household can be expected to drink, and a lot it looks like isn't even intended for drinking, given the way it's displayed.

Gaudy, ostentatious, and wanky. Helpful though, because it means Ed doesn't have to do much looking to find the bottle he's after, set up as it is as the centrepiece of the back wall.

This is, perhaps, the only actually tricky part of the whole thing. The case is locked, which is no real issue. The keypad takes four digits where the others in the house take six, and it doesn't take the fucking kraken to figure out what those'll be. But it's also alarmed, and given the owners dont seem to plan on drinking it, there wasn't a way to get them to leave it unlocked.

Finally, a fucking challenge.

Ed pulls out the thoroughly coded index card he's got dangling from a lanyard around his neck. Makes him look like a fucking nerd, but it's better than dropping the damn thing and leaving evidence behind.

If he unlocks the case without opening it, and disconnects the cable at the right moment while holding down the keys to reset the code, opens the door and reconnects it within 2.7 seconds then theoretically the main security system it's linked to won't register the disconnection.

He puts in the code and waits for the indicator light to flash green, but it just gives him an angry beep. Ed tries again, slowly, making sure he's putting the right number in.

Two angry beeps.

He checks the keypad over. It doesn't get enough use for wear, but when he shines the bluelight torch over it there's a faint pattern of oil on the keys matching the wear pattern of all the other keypads in the house.

"Try '1234'."

Ed nearly bangs his head on the case as he jolts at the voice, spinning on his heel to find the Gentleman-fucking-Robber perched on what must be an entirely decorative barrel in the corner, sipping delicately from a wine glass.

"Even these fuckers aren't stupid enough to pick 1234 as the lock code for an $80,000 bottle of wine."

"Oh, they didn't," Stede says brightly, "but you have to actually reset the code after you've tricked the alarm or it'll go off when you shut the case and I couldn't be bothered to think of anything clever."

Given Ed hadn't been planning on closing the door after himself, that part of things hadn't been much of a concern.

Ed rolls his eyes, "so you got in here, tricked the alarm, got the case open and closed it again without taking anything, just for the drama."

"Heavens no," Stede says, and holds out a bottle, "swapped it for a fake first."

Ed turns back to the display case. It's a fairly good fake. Not good enough that it'll pass muster when it's taken out and inspected - it's hard to replicate aging like that, but it's good enough.

Stede drains his glass and then hooks it into what is apparently a fucking custom-made wineglass holster and hops off the barrel.

"Shall we?"

Ed just stares at him.

"Honestly, you can have it," Stede assures him, "it's not a trap. I wasn't lying in wait down here to brick you in or anything. I just happened to get here first and thought I'd save you the trouble."

Growling under his breath, Ed turns back the the case and punches 1234 into the keypad. At least he knows the alarm trick will work.

The indicator light finally goes green and Ed gets the alarm connection arranged in one hand so he disconnect it while the other is plugging in the reset sequence.

The keypad gives a trill and Ed pulls the cable, flicks the door open and uses two hands to click the cables back together, and waits.

He has no idea how long ago Stede got here, and two code resets that close together might trip the main system anyway, but he hears nothing, and there's no warning message in his earpiece from Fang, so Ed lets out a breath and grabs the fake out of the case.

"Here," he says shoving the fake at Stede so he has both hands free to pull his glove off before grabbing the real bottle with his greasepaint coated palm.

"They might notice that," Stede says with a wince.

"Yeah," Ed says, pulling out his corkscrew, "they're supposed to."

"Ed-"

"That's Kraken to you, Bonnet."

Stede sighs. "What exactly are you doing?'

"What I got hired to do." Ed snaps as the cork pops out, "Client doesn't want the wine. Hates the stuff. Just doesn't want this guy to have it."

He upends the bottle and starts pouring it onto the flagstones.

"If you want a taste, now's your chance," he mutters, and Stede seems to be arguing with himself for all of a second before he's drawing his glass and holding it under the stream.

The wine trickles to a stop and Ed leans over the puddle carefully to place the smeared, empty bottle back in the open case.

"My," Stede says beside him, "that really is quite good. Want a taste?"

"Fuck off."

–-

The wine does actually taste really fucking good.

Ed's furious.