#the world i envision i can have in the future is one that's lonely.

[writingwisterias]

Dreams

Death Island! Leon Kennedy x GN! Reader Warnings: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Hospital, Coma, Injury, Near Death, Fluff Summary: One Month to go before a well deserved early retirement and all he can think about is the future

If you like this then I'll give you all a big kiss because I worked hard making sure this one flowed correctly!!

An early retirement was something that he never envisioned for himself, his life never seemed like it would end in something he wanted to do. The grass in the back garden was finally tended, the flower beds blooming beautifully as he stood watching over it with a coffee in hand. It was peaceful, weird. Something he was never quite used to. The soft barks of the dog were loud as they echoed in the open space. His money that he saved was more than enough to treat himself to this space, though it often felt too lonely. Until he found you, the light of his life. You just slotted yourself into his world without even trying. You worked perfectly understanding his duties and responsibilities he had to fulfil. The dog was next, a retired police dog. A protector in case something went wrong whilst he was away but he didn’t need to worry about that anymore. Not when he could see you from where he was standing, playing in the long grass with the old boy. 

He could see your smile the way you would pet him as he brought the ball back. It felt too much like a dream, like he never actually went into the office and demanded his retirement early after yet another mission gone bad. He felt lost without his work, his service. Having to train his hands to do something else other than fight, survive and protect. No hobby seemed to stick, nothing seemed to fill the gap he was left with. It was strange that he would spend so many years hating on his service, his job to then wish for it back. The scars that littered served as a reminder of what he went through, his medals of service shown proudly in a display case that you insisted on making. He watched you look at him, the grin on your face only growing wider. Your hair glowing in the sunlight as it blew into the wind. 

He wanted to reach you, to step off the porch and race to you. Scoop you in his arms and run through the garden with you. The dog following behind you both barking happily. Yet, his feet didn’t move from the back porch. His hand only raised waving at you. You never came closer– some days it felt like you were further and further away. The garden seemed to grow longer each passing day, the line of flowerbeds changing every so often. 

You watched him, the light shining brightly on him. His skin that was once full of colour -- now laid pale looking even more sick underneath the white light of the hospital. That damn beep engraving itself into your brain. You were meant to be happy with it, it meant he was still here. His heart steadily beat as you watched over him. Your hand clutching his tightly that your fingers grew sore.

There were others in the room coming and going, offering you food - drink anything you needed. They couldn’t help you though because they can’t help him. You didn’t want to cry anymore or return to a home where his side of the bed was cold. You didn’t want to lie on his pillow in case his scent got washed away even though that beep was proof he could…will…return. “Wake up please” You whispered as you laid your head against the side of the hospital bed.

His hand was cold, it shouldn’t be cold. It’s never been cold except for the time he bounded over to you when you were playing in the snow, shoving the frozen fingertips against your stomach as a joke. You remembered that night, the first winter in your new house. The one he always wanted with a large garden to play around with, to host family and friends with BBQ's and other events.

One month was all he had left, of all his service. It had to be their version of a fuck you that his mission had to have been another dangerous one, they couldn’t have just given him a simple chase like they did a few years ago. Sure it ended up being tied into something more but it was simple. The government showed how much they thought of him when they sent him there healthy and brought him back in a coma.

Just one month.

One. 

There were no more tears to cry anymore, your eyes were puffy from the amount you had been crying. It wasn’t fair. That he was so close to finally being able to lead his own life now he tethered on the edge of it.

“Leon wake up please” You begged again, voice waving as anger laced it. How dare he set it all up to just end here? You knew he was fighting that irritating beeping was proof he was still here. You needed his presence, you needed him just like all those times he needed you. The others jumped up as you spoke again, watching you with sad eyes as you screamed at him. Begged him to come back. You didn’t care if the hospital staff forced you to leave, you would come back the next day and do it again. Until he woke up. 

Leon continued to smile despite wanting to walk towards you. His foot never seemed to land on the grass, only hover. He felt bad, ignoring your smile and your voice that called out to him in a sweet tone. He wanted to warn you of the storm he spotted, the one that was coming behind him. He could feel the cold air trying to rip you away from him. Trying to force him to come back inside. Leon couldn’t…not without you. “Come back!” He shouted. You couldn’t hear him, not over the wind or the disappearing sun. His heart beat wildly in his chest. If only he could step on the damn grass. 

The beeping grew louder, doctors began to pull you away but you continued to shout at him. Even from the corner of the room where Chris held you against him. All of you watching in horror as Leon thrashed around. His hands gripping the sheets. You didn’t know what was happening, your shouts turning into whimpers as you stared at him. Watched as they tended to him. Your voice hurts, your body hurts, everything hurts.

Why Leon? Why did it have to be him? 

Leon turned around towards the house, the thunder crackled louder. He knew he needed to head inside, his brain was conflicting with his heart. You would come back surely. You would round the dog up and bring him back inside. You’ll come running through the doors laughing as the two of you are soaked beginning to help him shut the doors against the harsh winds. You wouldn’t stay out there, you would have heard him. The anxiety bit into him as he walked closer to the safety of the house, was the main light always this bright? You would shout at him if he found out you turned this one on and not the lamps. Always one for ambience lighting. The thunder was so loud, booming as it roared above him. Once he was inside he turned to watch you running up the garden to meet him.

Only you were gone, the flower beds had changed again. 

The nurses and doctors backed away from the bed, their bodies no longer hiding him from your view. They spoke to you but you couldn’t hear them, not when those eyes stared at you again. Chris’ grip had loosened, your legs wobbled as you approached the bed. His stubble bit into your hand as you cradled his face. “Leon?” You whispered. He smiled. He was here smiling. Your name sounded so sweet coming from his lips. You didn’t realise you could cry anymore, you thought all the tears were gone. “Never do that to me again” You laughed as you brought him close. “Please” 

It wasn’t until later - when everyone had gone home. With genuine smiles this time not the pity ones you had been given the past few days. Leon held you against his chest, his fingers working their way through your hair. He had been quiet, the silence at first you thought was just him getting overwhelmed by the full room. Or the numerous tests the doctors were running on him to make sure everything was okay. Yet, it continued as he held you now. His brain elsewhere whilst he remained here with you. 

Leon was the quiet hero, the one that was constantly praised and reminded of his success but never allowed to process the loss he had experienced. The saviours guilt that landed deep inside every time someone else died on his watch. Hero's were given parties and parades in celebration for their wins. Congratulated and recognised on the streets for their service but not him. All the work he had done was in silence, encase somehow someone linked him back to that one night that changed his world. A dark shadow of his past that effects everything he has done. He did what he did out of the goodness of his heart, out of just wanting to help people despite the horrors and baggage he has gained along the way.

His actions spoke louder than any words, that was why you fell in love with him. Why you knew no matter what he would have come back to you. Leon didn't love quietly like he was a hero. He shouted it to the stars above you, screamed it to any person that asked about you. You were his entire world, everything that was worth fighting for was in that dream he had. The survivors guilt washed away for just a moment when you got that house and he finally realised that he deserved something good. A slither of happiness to outshine all the bad. That was you. It will always be you.

“Penny for your thoughts?” You asked. He flinched at your break of the silence. Leon sighed, his head landing on the shit pillow he had propped up behind him. “I was dreaming…during the coma” he stated simply. His words followed by a comforting silence, the space for him right now was much like all the nights he would return from missions and hold you like this. Only that was in the safety of your home, not the cold hospital that never seemed to be just as silent as you wanted it. “We were home with a dog, an older service dog. I’d watch you play with him in the garden but each day you got further and further away. The garden seemed to grow bigger and I could never reach the end. I couldn’t step off the back porch to meet you” 

“Then there was a storm, I tried to call you inside but when I turned around you were gone and I was awake” he continued as did the silence that followed his words. The two of you are taking in the gravity of the situation. It was then you realized his idea of heaven was his ending with you, the home you were in the middle of building, the garden that still hasn't been tended to. 

“I shouted at you. Screamed even. Begging for you to wake up, to come back - not to let it end like this” you admitted quietly. Leon felt you shift so you were sat up on the bed, your legs laid out over his thighs. Your soft hands landed on his face again guiding him to look at you. The world seemed to disappear when you did, nothing else mattered except him. Not anymore. “I’m back” He whispered, smiling softly at you. His lips touched your palm and kissed them. They were warm again, as were his hands when they touched your wrists. His fingers entwine yours looking at the ring on your finger. The same one that matched his. You nodded to his statement. “Maybe my shouting was the storm, waking you up from your dream?” You spoke again, leaning against his chest. Your head tucked neatly underneath his chin. “Well your anger and love can sometimes be like a raging storm” he teased. 

He was back, finally. Your bed would be warm again, the house would feel like home once more. “At least your recovery period leads up to your final day. I don’t have to worry about this happening again” You giggled. Leon smiled, his own chuckle leaving his lips briefly. “You’re doing all the gardening though, I have an idea for what it should look like. Now that I've had time to think about what the future might be like.” 

[teecupangel]

*waves banner in the air*

Deity Desmond! Deity Desmond! Deity Desmond!

We have a bit of sorta deity Desmond lying around here in this Tumblr but the ones I could find were “Desmond as Zagreus’ Sage who became the god of the New World” and people worshiping Desmond because he has angel wings can sorta count XD

There was also that one idea where Desmond accidentally pushed his ancestors to different parts of the past which, in turn, made him sorta like their patron but I cannot find it TTATT

Anyway, for this one… let’s change it up a bit.

.

What is a god?

The power to create new life from nothing.

The power to decimate civilizations in an instant.

But is that all?

No.

A god must also have all the knowledge that can be acquired.

One must be omnipotent and omniscience to be considered a god.

One must be eternal.

The beginning and ending.

A being that can neither age nor die.

A lonely existence, forever haunted by the ephemeral happiness and sorrow of their creations.

That is the definition of god that Desmond Miles believed.

That is the definition of god that gave birth to The Reader from the ashes of Desmond Miles.

He is both Desmond Miles and not.

While it took a while, time is meaningless in the Gray…

Time is a worthy sacrifice to fully control the Calculations itself.

The Gray existed beyond time itself.

With the power he achieved by acquiring all the knowledge available in the past, the present and the distant future, he was able to make it more.

The Reader’s personal Olympus.

No.

His sole Heavenly Throne.

The Calculations could only predict the future. It was always meant to see the possible futures.

The Isus planted plans after plans to ensure their chosen Calculations would not be a possible future but the future.

But he can go beyond that.

The throne exists beyond time itself.

And he has access to the Calculations.

No.

He has memorized all the possible Calculations.

He was not restricted as the Isus. He need not plant anything.

All he needs to do is think.

And it shall come to pass.

A god must be omnipotent and omniscience.

That is the god Desmond Miles envisioned.

But Desmond Miles never considered a god selfless.

It was the exact opposite.

Desmond Miles thought that, if god truly did exist, that being would be selfish.

Why else would a supposed god let tragedy plague his bloodline?

And so…

The Reader must be selfish.

The Reader must prioritize his desires.

And his desires was born out of Desmond Miles’ desires and wishes.

He could change the very fabric of the world.

He could bring eternal peace.

By removing mankind’s free will.

But that is not what Desmond Miles want.

That is not what The Reader want.

What he wants was more selfish.

“Umar Ibn-La'Ahad.”

“Who are you?”

“Five days from now, a man in a hood will see you and invite you to Alamut. He will train you to be an Assassin. Accept his offer.”

“An Assassin? An orphan like me? Forced to steal from merchants and run away from guards? Why are you even telling me this?” His eyes were wrong.

They were not gold.

But his face…

It was close enough to the one he wishes to see that he will allow the boy’s insolent tongue.

“Who even are you? A fortune teller? A spy?”

“Me?”

The boy’s breath hitched and he stepped back as the hooded figure, clad in black robes that seemed to blend into the shadows, lift its face.

There was nothing was light underneath the hood.

“I am a god that exists beyond time itself.”

Seeing the fear in the boy’s face, he says…

“Do not be afraid, Umar Ibn-La'Ahad.”

“I am here to bring happiness to your future son.”

[yandere-daze]

Love your yandere academy AU!! I have a few Thoughts on it if you don't mind...

First of all the inherent loneliness and otherness you'd feel as the only darling at school? Mwah 🤌 The constant fear of being found out? Delicious. In a way it almost reminds me of Furina in 4.2, having to put on a never-ending show, never letting anyone see your true colors. Her stakes might have been a little higher, sure, but the general vibe is the same.

Next I could imagine darling using the classes as a way to get a leg up on their classmates. They know everything the yanderes do, which helps to even out the playing field, even if just a little. It's easier to avoid being manipulated when you're taking the same psychology classes as the people trying to manipulate you.

Finally I've been thinking about how the yanderes would feel when falling for diet before their identity is discovered. Yanderes falling for other yanderes is rare, and when not reciprocated, it rarely ends well. Especially if darling is a straight A student, they'll know they have to work twice as hard to get them in their grasp, either willingly or not. And with so many people starting to take an interest in them? Even more work. Normally it'd be fine to deal with one or two rivals, but multiple classes of them? Not so simple.

Idk it's just a really neat idea and I'd love to see more of it sometime

First of all, thank you for sending in an ask! I´m very happy that feedback has been pretty positive so far because I was actually a bit hesitant on posting my idea at first. So this is really uplifting! ☺️

And yes, absolutely do share your thoughts with me if you have any, I love discussing ideas with other people, it´s one of the greatest things regarding fanfiction in my opinion 💕

So let´s discuss all of these concepts you brought up for a bit!

Introduction

1k words

gn reader

tw yandere, discussion of normalized toxic relationships, implied stalking, mention of murder

Yandere! Normalized Genshin Academy AU

First of all, yes, you´re totally right! I´m really happy that the inherent feeling of loneliness came through in my writing because it´s one of the first thoughts I had when envisioning this AU. Just imagine how truly alone you must feel, living in a world where all these toxic relationships are viewed as normal and even desirable. All your life, you´ve been terrified of the future, of when the day a yandere desires you would come. You´ve been having nightmares about the day you would feel eyes cling to you way too long for comfort.

And now, you find yourself in this gigantic mess. Not only will you have to stress over your new academy life, but also the people you have to cross paths with in the hallway every day. You have to keep your guard up and play along with the insanity going on around you all day long, you can´t rest or relax for even a second. Because one second might be enough to expose you as who you really are: a helpless darling within a sea of predators just waiting to sink their claws into you.

No matter what, while you´re here you can´t be your true self, you can´t speak your true thoughts because you would be putting yourself in danger. You try your best to stay away from your fellow students but isolating yourself like that feels just as lonely.

And sometimes, you catch yourself almost slipping up when you inevitably have to talk to another student. People like Thoma, Amber, or Kaveh have easy-going and friendly demeanors, they talk to you so eagerly that you can´t help but feel yourself let loose for a bit, only to realize with a start that even these people who seem nice and approachable have to hide dark feelings and thoughts if they´re going to this school. Maybe in another life, you might have loved to have them as close friends but you know how twisted they must be deep down. You cannot allow yourself to trust anyone here and it´s so mentally taxing.

Oh, absolutely! Darling might be terrified by what they´re being taught as if it was the most normal thing in the world but they´re certainly glad to know some of the tricks a yandere might use. They obviously don´t plan on ever using those tips themselves but it´s useful when it comes to keeping their guard up. Thanks to these classes, they know better than to readily accept gifts from any of their "friends" without thoroughly checking them for cameras beforehand.

It´s both a blessing and a curse, really. Darling has a harder time keeping up the facade when confronted with all these new wicked ways to ensnare a darling during classes but they also serve well as a safety precaution. Can´t be tricked if you know all the tricks yourself, right? Though their anxiety would probably skyrocket, questioning every little gesture, gift, or phrase directed at them.

And your last point is also a very interesting point that I would like to elaborate on a bit more! I indeed also think that yanderes dating yanderes would be a very rare thing and I´d even go so far as to say it might be discouraged by society at large. And it´s not for the logical reason one might think of. The fact that two yanderes together would probably cause a spike in murders or similar catastrophes is not the real problem here.

It´s the fact that two yanderes dating each other means that two poor darlings will now have to go without a yandere </3

Even though yanderes are very normalized, I would still say that they´re probably still a minority ( at least I sure hope for the good of the world that half the population isn´t some sort of crazed lovesick fool). This of course comes with the conseqence that there are many more darlings than there are yanderes. Factor in the fact that a darling x yandere relationship is seen as the ideal relationship, something to strive for, and very soon you will see why yanderes dating other yanderes is kind of frowned upon.

Now even fewer darlings will get to have a loving yandere partner!

To you, it´s sick and twisted that this is the consensus, that yanderes and all the horrible things that they do are so romanticized. But at the same time, you´re really glad for this being a thing now because it greatly reduces the risk of one of your fellow students pursuing you for as long as you can still pose as a yandere.

But just because it´s frowned upon doesn´t mean that it´s illegal or that it never happens. There isn´t really any reasoning with a yandere in love so when they have their sights set on someone, there´s pretty much no stopping them. And who would want to be the one to tell them that they shouldn´t be in love with another yandere? That they should give up on you? That wouldn´t go very well.

So sadly enough, once your fellow students grow really interested in you, even you being perceived as another yandere would be enough to deter them. Of course, they´ll have to be more careful when approaching this than if you were a darling. As mentioned, you know all about the different ways to "win someone´s heart" and so they´ll have to adapt their approaches in some way.

Of course, having multiple rivals for your love isn´t making things any easier. Trying to get close to you when you know all their tricks is hard enough, they don´t need any distractions trying to steal your affection. It will certainly turn into a very fierce competition soon and it only gets worse the more people grow infatuated with you.

Your only hope is that they´ll just spend all of their time trying to get rid of the others so that they leave you alone. You´ll certainly have to be very careful about how you interact with your classmates from now on. One compliment and they´ll latch onto the possibility of you secretly loving them as well and then they´ll certainly never let go of you.

Tag list: @charming-mage @blueventss @tonightwrites @lady-of-the-sith-leia-skywalker @kio-may @heartsforseo

[randomfoggytiger]

"You Had Nothing"

(Dedicated to @goodshipsmulder~. Merry Christmas!)

Perhaps a Part II to “Gold” 

Set during the events of Fight the Future.

*****

They’d been waiting 56 hours, 13 minutes, 10 seconds before the phone rang, loud in a room so thick with anticipation that it was nearly nauseating. Langly would have answered, but he’d just dipped to the john; and had there not been security footage to prove either way, the victor of the final frenzy-- Frohike’s stumpy grab and Byers’ uncharacteristic snatch-- would forever remain a mystery. 

Byers spat out “Lone Gunman’s headquarters--” in the same breath as Frohike’s “Mulder, is that you?”; and both were winded and heady with relief when their friend’s monotone croaked across the line, across the ocean, across the world. 

“Hey, settle down, everyone. Can’t hear you all at once.” But he was smiling-- they heard it-- and was pleased he’d been missed. 

“Is Agent Scully with you?” Frohike cut to the chase, locking his thumbs together in the half-second of silence. 

“Yeah… yeah, she woke up a couple hours ago. Doing well. Fever’ll break sometime tonight, nurses say.” 

His report was peppered with warmth and weary exultation, joy and a touch of fear fading and coming alive again, if they listened for it. The three compadres-- Langly had rejoined them, a streak of yellow lightning vaulting over cables and discarded coffee cups and a trampled donut box-- neglected further investigation in their eagerness to ask and ask and ask about what happened, were they at McMurdo, who did and didn't they and hadn't he--

“Fellas! One at a time, please.” The please was implied. “And can I get back to you on all that? We’re a bit jet lagged.” 

Byers nodded, stopped the phone from its madhouse hot-potato from one hand to another, and sighed, “Yes, of course. Get some rest, Mulder--”

“Not a chance!” hollered Frohike; and snatched it right back. “Mulder, you can’t just leave us hanging like that, especially concerning the delectable Agent Scully.” 

“Yeah, Mulder, what did she say? Bet her eyes really popped.” 

There was a pause and a long sigh and what sounded like their friend shifting positions. 

Finding it hard to judge if Mulder was amused, angry, or willfully silent, Byers tried to redirect. “I think we should let Mulder rest-- he’s had a hard couple of days.” 

Langly snorted and Frohike huffed. 

“Not until we know how Scully took his words of undying love.” 

“Yeah, Byers, stop trying to be a wet blanket. Mulder’s just evading the question.” 

They were bickering now, of course: tense days passed in total lockdown-- ear to the phone and sleeping in shifts-- wore them to frazzled ends focused on a singular purpose. Goal accomplished, their energy had to be vented elsewhere. Poking Mulder about his private life and hoping it matched the thrilling conclusion envisioned in their caffeine-marinated heads was exactly what Frohike and Langly were bent on doing; and they traded verbal blows with Byers as well as each other, three dogs scrapping for the upper hand and losing sight of their original aim the longer the battle dragged on. 

The first few mutters through the phone weren’t loud enough to snag their attention; but a forceful “Guys!” pulled them up short. 

It was Scully: authoritative, assertive, and annoyed. Deeply, deeply annoyed. 

“Agent Scully?” Byers asked, again conscious and commiserate. 

“What do you three think you’re doing?”

“What happened to Mulder?” Langly’s transparent attempts at misdirection, they hoped, hadn’t been caught by Scully. The trademark sigh-- humor them-- puffed through: they had, but their bid for Mulder's health had also, temporarily, stalled her wrath. Frohike thudded Langly on the shoulder. 

“He’s resting, actually,” she replied. “Or I assume so, since he’s scrunched up in a chair.” Her voice shifted, misdirection having worn out its bag of tricks. “Like I should be; and was until a minute ago.” 

Danger, once turned away, was doubling back with a vengeance. 

Frohike tried-- “We’re terribly sorry, Agent Scully-- we’ll let you get back to catching your beauty sleep; and I’m sure Mulder will call us in the morning if anything’s--” but even her affection for him wouldn’t deter the delectable lady’s insistence. 

“First, you three are going to explain why you were shouting about me to Mulder.” An expectant pause. "Is there something wrong?"

“Rest assured, Agent Scully, no one's in danger. We were merely….” As one, the Lone Gunman looked into every crack and crevice of the room for the right word. “...merely congratulating him. And you.” 

“...'Congratulating’.” 

“Yes, on a successful mission. And we’re sorry we disturbed the both of you. We’ll hang up now and let you rest.” 

Her winding-up breath was abruptly cut off by Frohike’s swift stab to the end button; and all three slumped, sighed, or fidgeted out their nerves. 

“What’ll it take,” Frohike snapped, swinging his arms to relieve tension, “an alien invasion?” 

“Pffft, more likely the sun burning out and the cold consuming us all,” Langly parried. 

Byers kept silent, wondered how they could so spectacularly waste another opportunity. Those were hard to come by, and with no guarantee of a second chance. 

All three wondered how much of their fight Scully had overheard, and how much she would piece together later.  

*****

Thank you for reading~

Enjoy!

[growling]

Top 10 favourite narcissist moments

parasocial hatred. we never talked and I'm not sure you know I exist but I fucking hate you and hope the worst happens to you

getting so pissed over actual talented people that get like 50+ notes minimum for every art and endless praise from their 100+ followers every damn day whining about how much their art sucks and nobody appreciates them or whatever. like shut the fuck up do you just not know how good you have it or are you just fishing for attention. nevermind i have already decided which one and i decided i want you boiled in a pot

not being able to have a normal one without a constant string of supply aka attention and praise from everyone. every time someone talks to me or compliments my epic art skillz or acknowledges me in any way I get such a high I feel like a literal god and feeling giddy nonstop for the whole day, then it fades i start to feel a bit too ignored these past 2 days and a half and i just feel so empty and terrible and my world is destroyed and i need to hurt something now- oh someone said im cool again nevermind i have been fixed the universe is beautiful my future is bright mentally healthy people want me carnally

having a really fucked relationship with the concept of "unconditional love" everything is conditional what are you talking about. and "love" in general, when i say i'm loveless, whether romantically or platonically, i mean it. that doesn't mean i cannot get attached to people or care about them in some other way, no i am not going to explain it in detail right now

there is zero point in talking to anyone else or getting into any relationships because none of these people could ever be on my level. their thinking is so shallow and stupid and they all behave so predictably and enjoy the most nonsensical of things and it's like everyone just gets something that i don't and they're inferior in every way but it feels like they are out for me specifically because I'm not like them and as soon as they find me out I will never be safe there. It's lonely and terrifying but yeah sure I'm the asshole apparently because I secretly feel superior or whatever. contrary to popular opinion being extremely self-centered is not a positive thing for the guy that has it

not caring about anything that doesn't concern me specifically in any way. it's all "support people with low empathy" until they can't ""make up"" for it with high sympathy or just trying harder or something. Everything bad that ever happens is here just for my entertainment or an annoyance. vents and crying and whatnot make me incredibly uncomfortable or annoyed and i mean i will try to listen (because i am a wonderful kind person) but i will have zero idea on how to respond because thorought the entirety of it i didn't really pay attention and just kinda thought "oh my god stfu i don't careeee when can i leave" while envisioning rain code amvs in my mind. unless you unlock my easter egg that is

only doing nice things for praise and making people love me or just to feel good for being such a great person, and getting incredibly dissapointed and sometimes really pissed whenever they're not grateful enough

wow society is a shitshow i don't respect literally any of you people. i should run away and live away from everybody forever but i need to acquire my riches and fame first which will not be hard whatsoever. the struggle never ends

just. lying all the time. and not being able to tell whether you actually like somebody or their attention.

not seeing other people as people (i know they are, it doesn't change that i still feel they aren't), having to slowly spend enough time talking with them and find out enough information on them in order to start seeing them as an actual person. if i don't know who you are then you just aren't that important in the great scheme of things. and if i do know you and get attached (and maybe you also happen to have traits that make you special and better than others almost like me which makes me like you even more) then I decide you're my person now. not in a weird or entitled way, it's just how many of us show protectiveness and whatnot thanks radiostaticsmile for putting that into words. I do feel a bit of an ownership over people I like, kinda like a cat or dog with their people. i'm really not escaping the kittycat allegations am i. god damn it.

[frannyzooey]

So I’m a little late to the party but I just read In the Dark in like 24 hours. Maybe you’ve shared more previously, but I’d love to know more about Ezra & Birdie’s future. Ezra implied that they could really be together if she had stayed, and being that she couldn’t find it in herself to want anyone else in London, I really hope that they end up together when her program is over. Him coming to visit for two weeks is huge, but I’m clinging to little details — is it just as best friends? Best friends who sleep together? Now that Cee has her own place, assuming Birdie comes “home” to NYC, it would be easier for them to give it a real try. It seems if their feelings remain intact for a year apart (or 8 months) that it’s pretty real.

Anyway if there’s anything more you can share about where YOU think things land I’d love to know. I’m gonna lose sleep, lol. Thank you for such a gripping and touching story ❤️❤️

Hello hello! ❤

First of all, I can't believe you read it that fast! What an honor 🥺

Second of all, I have an essay on this! Buckle up buttercup, you're about to get a million things you never asked for lol

I sort of hinted at it in the epilogue chapter, but what I envision them being is sort of like best friends who sleep together. They are together when they are together, but there is no expectation that they would put their lives on hold for the other when they aren't - if that makes sense?

The connection they have is so intimate and real, but they are also at vastly different places in their lives. THIS concept is actually what I love most about writing age gap stories, because I feel like the trope usually gets twisted (or is assumed twisted by the reader before they even give the story a chance) into the older person taking advantage of the younger person. In this instance (and in everything else I write), it's really the younger person who has all the power. Old enough to consent and know their own mind, they have their own agency and seek out the older person for their life experience. Birdie was attracted to Ezra for a lot of reasons, but one of those was his competence and confidence, while she herself felt completely lost in a huge city. He made her feel like she was the only one in the world, in a city of millions. It's very soothing, with so much care involved on Ezra's part.

Before this turns into an essay on age gap lol (because I could seriously ramble for hours) here is a slice of the text from Chapter 11 on how this sort of dynamic would end up (I think) playing out irl:

and

Would Ezra wait? Yes.

Is that a fair thing to ask of either of them? No.

Not when Birdie is so young and has this whole life to explore, not when he knows she's about to be thrown into all sorts of different situations and meet so many other people, and not on his end either: sitting lonely and alone, while he tries to give her the space she needs to find her own way.

In the last chapter, he did say that they could continue seeing each other if she were to stay in the city, because of course they would. They have this undeniable connection, this chemistry, this love for each other - but on the other hand, they have been living in a very limited bubble. Just being together almost tore his relationship with Cee apart - what are the very real logistics of them spending holidays together? Of Birdie (maybe) one day moving in? Of merging their friend groups, when the people involved are vastly different ages with different interests?

Should Birdie come back to NYC, I can see her getting together with him again as a means to get her grounding, or as a source of comfort and familiarity. I can see Ezra as acting as sort of a guide in that: almost...parental? Like he did with Cee? Cheering her on, giving her a place to stay, welcoming her back into his arms because he has missed her so fucking badly.

Do they end up together in the end? I am undecided. I think their lives converge and split and converge and split and there is never any love or chemistry lost, but I just envision this sort of bittersweet relationship where they met each other at exactly the right time and they enjoyed it for what it was.

Something I thought a lot about (and I still do) is that everyone always wants a "happy ending" answer - and I hate to crush that for people because who knows! They could! She could come back and move in and Cee could come to terms with it and they could be this cute, amazing couple who never gets married (because I am firm on the idea they don't need/want that) but that spend their lives together.

HOWEVER, to me: Birdie gaining confidence through Ezra's emotional support IS a happy ending.

Cee finally moving out and gaining independence IS a happy ending.

Ezra learning that he can put himself first for once without sacrificing everything with Cee IS a a happy ending.

The HOPE held in the possibilities of what Ezra and Birdie's relationship could be IS a happy ending.

The HOPE held in the potential of what this means for all of them moving forward as individuals IS a happy ending.

Meeting someone who changed your life for the better, even if you have to eventually let them go, IS a happy ending.

The fact that you binged this story and you think about them and you are losing sleep means -- more than I can say. I am so incredibly thankful for you and appreciate you more than you know. ❤ Thank you thank you thank you for this ask, and if you want to discuss further, message me! I would be delighted ❤

[friends-to-lovers-tournament]

Friends to Lovers Tournament: Round 3, Side A, Match 2

propaganda under the cut!

Polyneed:

Okay so they were childhood friends who wanted to form a band together, but slowly drifted apart after Saki fell ill and was admitted. They formed their band again after Saki joined the school. Originally, Shiho was the only one who wanted to go professional out of all of them and was offered to play with another band who was going pro, but she hesitated because she wanted to continue playing with her friends. HER DREAM WAS RIGHT IN HER GRASP BUT SHE STILL REFUSED. The rest of Leo/Need also decided to go pro with her even though they had no previous experience, just because they wanted to be with their friends. They're constantly encouraging each other and take really good care of each other. They mean sm to me fr 💙💙 Also, some gay ass lyrics from their songs:

Please don't think you don't matter, love won't end this easily- NeedLe

Even if I smile so that I don’t cry Even if I walk so that I don’t fall The words we hide will never be conveyed There’s only one future that we can envision, So let’s see it with our own eyes-  1 For your sake, I shall sing my weaknesses For your sake, I shall realize my hopes For your sake, I'm laughing today May these feelings of ours will resonate with someone's- Order Made Overflowing in my voice, in my thoughts The yearning that I entrusted to you- Voices It's painful and lonely to sing, but If it's with you, then I want to sing for the world- the WALL

They sing an awful lot abt feelings if you know what i mean

Fuyupoly:

Submission 1:

they're from the winter troupe of the mankai company, and unlike the other troupes they're all adults. that said, they all have varying degrees of trauma and emotional stuntedness. it takes them some time to fully open up to each other bc they're all very cautious of each other's boundaries and don't want to cross any lines which initially led to some issues in the group's formation. over time they've learned to bridge the gap while still being mindful of hard boundaries. at one point they have a discussion about what exactly their relationship is (gay) cuz they were talking about how the other troupes have clearly defined dynamics (spring=family, summer=besties, autumn=rivals & teammates) but they don't,, and homare deadass says they're "people bound by a common destiny" which in and of itself sounds very Gay (like why are you as a man bound to other men by a common destiny), but it goes even further because homare starts spouting WEDDING VOWS: "In sickness and in health, for better or for worse, we shall share our laughter and our tears as those with an intertwined fate... How beautiful we are!" THIS IS A DIRECT QUOTE FROM THE GAME AND THE MC EVEN REMARKS "i can already hear wedding bells in the distance..." 

gradually they become closer, in individual sub-units based on who's paired up as co-leads for a play, and as a troupe overall. also two of its members are childhood friends who had a messy 'divorce' in their young adulthood and it took the game breaking its genre to introduce a timeloop for them to finally make up if that means anything to you. one of their troupe songs "precious to us ~bokura no kisetsu" has some pretty beautiful and fruity lines: "The many kindnesses born in me here / Never fail to breathe life into my chest / Even all the pain and bitterness / Have now become dear to me (Ah…Stay with me)", "No matter how many times our season passes / Let us keep living together / Holding our hands, without ever letting go / Let us open up the curtain of tomorrow", "There is no need for words, because once our gazes meet / Joy sparks a light in your eyes", "Our journey, may it be a brilliant one / As our breaths overlap as one"

a lot of their plays has a LOT of homoerotic tension between the two leads too. their first play has tsumugi and tasuku play angels, and it's heavily implied that tasuku's character has an unrequited crush on tsumugi's character. their third play has azuma play a vampire and tasuku play Just Some Guy and it's generally agreed in the fandom to be one of the gayest, if not THE gayest, play A3 has ever written. obviously the vampire thing is very fruity, but there's also how the vampire was longing to bite the human but was holding himself back, and when the vampire left the human in the end, the human was absolutely HEARTBROKEN over it and was swearing they would reunite one day. the stage play of this takes it even further by having the vampire embrace the human from behind and BITE his neck. the fourth play is a watered-down adaptation of Phantom of the Opera where they genderbend Christine into Chris among other things and change the relationship between Chris and the Phantom to one of friendship.... ostensibly so, because there's still a lot of homoerotic undertones in their interactions. i could go on but this should be enough of a sampling taste 

Submission 2:

the writers rlly said "let's take 2 normal guys who are childhood friends and have been into theatre since their school days and have them go through a pre-canon messy divorce, an eccentric poet with a potentially controversial haircut, an amnesiac sleepyhead who can only be awoken with marshmallows but is also somehow extremely athletic despite doing nothing but sleeping and eating marshmallows all day, a man who is so beautiful and mysterious he breaks gender, and a supposed android from a fictional south asian country, and throw them into a blender, oh and for good measure let's throw in some theatre and angst and gay and angst and gay" and the end result was marriage. i mean it took them a lot of awkward fumbling around and conflicts to get there but they got there and thats what matters. ok *technically* in-text they're all rlly good friends and kinda found family BUT they are found family via marriage papers i do not make the rules chief

Submission 3:

The reason why they are so friends-to-lovers to me is because their relationship is founded on quiet and unconditional acceptance of each other—regardless of how flawed they may be or how heavy their burdens and trauma may be. When the troupe first formed (sans Guy who was in another country at the time), they didn’t have any major clashing personalities at the very beginning and generally they were mindful of each other’s boundaries, unlike the other troupes that came before them. However, it’s BECAUSE they were too mindful of said boundaries that it was difficult for them to break down their walls and bond as a team—and there were a LOT of walls to break down, as all of them had varying degrees of emotional baggage and trauma.

In fact, it’s only three plays in that they finally truly start opening up to each other, with Azuma getting the ball rolling by opening up about the deep loneliness that haunted him ever since his childhood. It’s during this conversation that they also discuss what their relationship as a troupe is, because the other troupes have defined their relationship as a team (Spring is family, Summer is best friends, Autumn is rivals & teammates), and Homare goes on to declare that they’re “people bound by a common destiny” and goes on to spew wedding vows: "In sickness and in health, for better or for worse, we shall share our laughter and our tears as those with an intertwined fate... How beautiful we are!" I mean… it can’t get any more obvious than this, really. They are married.

But anyway, Tsumugi says he wants their relationship to be one where while they respect each other’s need for space, they’ll also be there for each other and share their pains and burdens—or in his words: “supporting each other when our burdens become too heavy to bear on our own”—which I think is really sweet because it carries this idea of quiet, unconditional acceptance; they don’t push each other to share more than they’re comfortable with sharing, but with whatever they ARE comfortable with sharing everyone carries the load and pain because pain is easier to bear when you’re not bearing it alone <3 

A later part of the story focuses on Hisoka, a mysterious amnesiac, being terrified of regaining his memories and facing some “sin” from his past that has led to another character, Chikage, trying to take revenge on him. When he confesses this to the rest of the Winter troupe, Homare asks, “How heavy is this sin you bear?” and Azuma suggests, “Perhaps it’s just heavy enough for the five of us to carry together.” (at this point Guy hasn’t joined yet). The stage play adapts this scene into a song called Key to Memory. The key (pun unintended) part is 1:27 where there’s a back-and-forth between Hisoka and the other Winter troupe members (sans Tasuku because he wasn’t in that particular play)

Hisoka: “I’m scared…”

Tsumugi, Homare, Azuma: “It’s okay.”

Hisoka: “My unforgivable sin…”

Tsumugi, Homare, Azuma: “Let’s carry it together.”

Hisoka: “I might not be me anymore.”

Tsumugi, Homare, Azuma: “It’s all right. We understand and we accept you, so let’s go together.”

And it ends with Hisoka singing: “I was afraid to open the door of my locked memories. But if everyone is here, I believe I can do it.”  In both the game and stage play, Hisoka fully regains his memories and reconciles with Chikage (long story). He tells Fuyupoly he can’t go into detail about his past with Chikage because it’s dangerous but he’ll tell them when the time is right, and they accept this saying that no matter what his past is, they know and love him as their Hisoka which obviously is a very sweet thing for friends to say, but it’s also very Marriage-coded to me.

Later, Guy is introduced as an android from Zahra (a fictional South Asian country) and joins the Winter troupe as a temporary member—because he’s stuck in Japan for the foreseeable future—until they find a permanent member to replace him. The other Winter members have a conversation among themselves and agree that regardless of whether he’s really an android or a human they’ll accept Guy for who he is and help him improve his acting, which again harkens back to the idea of ‘unconditional acceptance’. Eventually it’s revealed that Guy is in fact a human who has forgotten his memories of the past and his emotions. He recovers his memories all at once which shocks his system and causes him to pass out. When he wakes up in his room, he finds the rest of the Winter Troupe asleep around the room—which I believe is symbolic of their whole theme of “quiet acceptance”: they don’t want to push Guy to share beyond what he’s comfortable with, but they’re always there to listen to him and share his load if that’s what he wants. He opens up about the memories he recovered, and they don’t treat him with pity like he’s a lost child, but still extend gentle empathy and understanding. They also emphasise that it genuinely doesn’t matter to them whether he’s human or android because he’s Guy first and foremost. It’s at this point that Guy truly lets himself become part of the Winter troupe/Fuyupoly and not just as a temporary stand-in member, because he’s found a place where he’s found himself again and people who will accept who this “himself” is, whether that be an android devoid of emotions or a human brimming with vivid beautiful emotions.

[Mod note: There’s a LOT more but we’re afraid of crashing the post. I (Deli) summarised it the best I can since I’m familiar with A3, but if you want to read the full thing you can check it out on this google doc)

[strandnreyes]

Nice Ask Week! Jen, I have 2 questions for you! First, if you could choose something from one of your fics (AU or canon compliant) for them to include in the show in some way, what would it be? It can be as much as an entire storyline or just some small element of the story/setting/characters/etc.

Second, fast forward to hopefully at least several seasons from now and Lone Star is ending. How would you like the show to leave Tarlos?

hitting me with the hard ones! but actually… my answer might be the same for both?

the marriage fic I’m currently writing is something that is directly based on canon and is how I envision their future. I think it would be a happy, but realistic stretch of their life and I think it’d be nice to see something like that in the show (with the necessary emergencies of the week thrown in because my fic lacks those but it’s still 911 lone star lol). sorry for picking an answer where you don’t actually know what I’m talking about ajsjd but you will soon

however, that takes place five years in the future so it might be a stretch to say lone star isn’t ending until then. so short answer instead: happy

I don’t expect zero drama or a very mundane life for them at the end of the show, but I want them to be in love and solid. that’s really all I want and it feels good to know (at least in previous years) that that’s never been something I have to seriously worry about not happening. not like I might with a different show. they’re soulmates. I can’t imagine a lone star world where they don’t end up together and as in love as they are now

[phoenixcatch7]

Had a very strange encounter this morning. Knock on the door from a family of four, very Victorian boarding school crossed with 40s housewife, youngish boys looking like they'd rather be anywhere else but there but resigned. All overdressed for the heat.

The father immediately starts talking about society.

For some context, I had been up till 1am moving boxes in my parents attic, which had barely any floor reinforced enough to put weight on and nowhere high enough to properly even sit upright, not to mention all the exposed fiberglass. I hadn't eaten breakfast yet, in fact I hadn't eaten or drank in nearly fifteen hours. I had had a sort of plan for if I was ever in the sort of situation I was suddenly flung into now, but before breakfast is not a time I can use braincells.

So he starts on with some opening spiel I'm genuinely not registering, and out pops the inevitable question.

'Do you think our society now is good or bad? With everything going on, Palestine...'

Now this is a question I know the answer to, I think excitedly! My lone dreg of grey matter is very pleased to be able to contribute to the conversation.

I say, 'Good'. Just one word.

And it completely shuts him down. Him and his wife are taken aback. They don't have a conversation tree for this, that they can push against, commiserate with. They look expectant, they wait for me to elaborate, to say 'well there's some horrific stuff happening, but -' that they can restart the conversation with. Not a single thought passes through my mind.

He tries again, fiddling with his leaflet. 'Well, what do you think is going to happen in the future, with all these awful things going on around us, do you think the people in charge are going to agree -'

And I interrupt him, because that is an awfully long sentence to process when part of my liquified grey matter is finally starting to ring cult, I say 'human rights'.

They look at me in total silence. In the background the toaster pops with a rattle and immediately starts drying out. I am unblinking.

'You think human rights are getting better,' the man says, in the tone of someone who's never put those words in a sentence together before. I look to his wife for a cue, and when she doesn't give it, his kids. They're not looking at me, but they don't seem to really care, either.

'I do,' I say, uncertain but unwilling to give them an inch. My internal script, having finished its if statement, returns null and puts its hands up.

I want my toast. There is a long, long silence as we all seem to grasp that I've set the conversation tree on fire.

Finally, the man presses restart on the entire thing and picks up from where I should have agreed that the world was bad and miserable. He stutters. He glances away. He shifts and restarts his sentence, his paragraph. I am genuinely not processing a single word, and I don't think I blinked then either. I catch a mumbled 'jehovahs witnesses' which is great, because I couldn't decide between that and mormonism. My brain wasn't enough to tell me what it was but it was a similar word.

The dog sprints past. Everyone jumps out of their skin. In the second it takes to step out enough to scruff her, running unexpected animal apology script, the door slams behind me in a sudden wind, loudly enough to make the mother shriek. I have enough brainpower to envision the next ten minutes before I realise with relief the door remained unlocked (it rarely does). I return to Greeting Stranger Position. The dog is banished.

'I'm so sorry,' I say. My toast is definitely stale, and it was the last in the loaf. Not even a crust remains.

The man fumbles. Most of my attention is on the lady, at this point, expecting some polite commiseration, or just some sort of Situation Deescalation noise. I'd take a clearing of the throat at this point, because there's two adults at my door and only one has talked. Neither have checked on their kids once. She stares my doorbell in the ding button. The man continues like this is going anywhere. I can't parse it into words.

Finally, he hands me the leaflet, points out the phone number and a casual 'if you ever feel alone or if you want to call-'. It's not an area code I recognise, but I'm also fairly sure I wasn't processing the written word at this point either.

They make noises of starting to go, and my brain perks up again - script! - and enthusiastically hammers the 'farewell visitors (standard)' button. I spring to life like a freshly animated corpse, a spark in my eyes as I commiserate about the heat and wish them good things for the rest of the day.

Normally the people I talk to respond in kind automatically, but the woman only sort of dips her head when I talk about how nice the unexpected sun is and to be careful not to overheat (a very common farewell this far north in sunny weather lmao). The kids don't know how to react to being addressed (you take care!) and the man keeps unconsciously trying to make eye contact, talking a steady stream of noise in the full assumption that I'm talking solely to him, which is not part of my script - genuinely something I've never encountered before - and thus I don't adapt at all. I admit, I'm used to the mother being in charge in local family units, or at least equal with the man. They turn away - I close the door - the man spins around and finally seems to realise he received a quarter of the farewells and is expecting the closed conversation to shift back to him.

I'm shaking from hunger.

My toast is indeed stale.

I don't know. It surprises me, post meal, that people who gather into these super restricting 'we will give you salvation' outsiders excluded cultish groups are so shocked at the idea of genuine faith in the world. It's what they're hawking. They knock on the door of a stranger who thinks people are generally good, actually, no notes, and that scares them. But well, I suppose that's the point, isn't it? They can't believe that or they'd leave.

Though I suppose my unblinking stare didn't help. I wish I could have been in a state for a smoother interaction, but it is what it is. Nobody got hurt, but I hope the kids get out safe. The whole family was in deep.

[gcballet]

GCBallet 2024

Top Ten Reads

Reviews with spoilers below!

If All The World and Love Were Young by Stephen Sexton

TW: grief, parent loss in childhood

An exquisite poetry collection in the pastoral tradition, the practice of elegeaic idealising of a long gone past. For Sexton, this past is not a mythic Greece filled with old gods, but his own childhood, when he played Super Mario World, and his mother was alive and well.

Sexton has such intent and purpose. The genre and form are so fit to the content it is breathtaking. Blending millennial nostalgia with the pastoral is such a wild and yet brilliantly insightful approach, and this is one of the single best realised collections I've ever read.

Preloved by Lauren Bravo

TW: grief, sibling loss

Probably the most normie book I've read in years, I even bought it from the Sainsburys bestsellers shelves.

A love letter to the British charity shop, and the inherent sadness of secondhand.

Thirty-something Gwen is coasting and unemployed in London, and finds herself volunteering a day a week in a local charity shop. Lonely and struggling to connect to anyone, being surrounded by the ephemera of other people's lives allows her to examine for the first time how she came to be alone, and find meaning in her life again.

Paris Adrift by E.J. Swift

TW: depictions of migraine/seizure type illness, alcohol abuse, addiction

A clever and tightly written time-travel saga, Hallie has abandoned her graduate geology career to bum around Paris, and ends up working in a bar neighbouring the famous Moulin Rouge.

She is approached by a haunting and mysterious woman calling herself the Chronometrist, and soon finds herself experiencing vivid, hallucinatory months long timeslips into 19th century Paris, in which she is compelled to alter history to save a distant future.

I rarely enjoy reading sci-fi, but Swift has such a clear vision for her narrative, a certainty with her imagery, and time-travel as a metaphor for addiction works so much better than I thought. Geologist Hallie slips into one fugue state in which she envisions a long fossilised ocean beneath the bedrock, it's haunting.

The Wild by Esther Freud

TW: toxic family systems, child neglect

This is kind of the only sort of novella a member of the Freud family could produce, one in which a nine-year-old girl is so desperate for a father and a family, she is triangulated into a toxic blended family, tolerating tiny humiliations in hope of being accepted and loved by her step-father and step-sisters.

Much of the narrative makes sense only if you're aware of the half-hearted hippie communes common to the bored middle-class of Britain in the 1970s, and have a decent instinct for feminist theory.

Sweetpea by C.J. Skuse

TW: graphic violence, genital mutilation, murder, torture, rape, violence towards children, sexual assault, pregnancy

This five book black comedy follows a somewhat different narrative to the recent SkyTV series adapted from it, and I suspect is significantly funnier for taking the form of a serial killer's confessional diary. Rhiannon Lewis has been described as a cross between Bridget Jones and Patrick Bateman, and I can't describe her better.

In Sweetpea, book one of the series of the same name, local paper reporter Rhiannon learns her long-term boyfriend has been cheating on her with a work colleague, she steadily plans a vicious revenge on him, and any predator or paedophile unlucky enough to cross her path.

As the TW suggests, this is an extremely graphic book from the first chapter. Skuse is an experienced YA author, and the Sweetpea series is her first foray into crime thrillers, not a genre I usually go for, but her plotting is tight and fast and escalating, and I can see why people who love crime thrillers commit to the genre. I suspect if I go looking for another Sweetpea, I'll never find it. It took me almost exactly two months to listen to all the Sweetpea audiobooks, and now I have no idea who will accompany me on my dog walks, if not C.J. Skuse, and her wonderful voice artist, Georgia Maguire (she does all the voices. She's perfect)

Jill by Phillip Larkin

TW: incel perspective, implicit paedophilia, stalking, classism

For the longest time, I couldn't work out what I was missing in Larkin's only novel published in his lifetime. The first third is happy to pretend to be a campus novel set in Oxford in the early days of WWII, in which our author-insert hero struggles with class division and seeks the approval of his upper class roommate. It's around the 40% mark that John Kempe suddenly discovers the lure of fantasy in his lonely routine, specifically the fantasy of writing letters to an imaginary teenage sister, and leaving them for his roommate to find, in hopes of seeming less dull and lonely. He continues to weave stories about Jill, and the campus novel briefly becomes a boarding school novel. The snap back to reality turns Jill into a haunting study of obsession, stalking a real teenager named Gillian who becomes the subject of his fantasies.

With modern eyes, it's obvious that John Kempe shares the same patterns as Nice Guys, Incels, and fiction-reliant fantasists. Larkin wrote Jill while at Oxford, so it's important to remember he is not John Kempe, though there are elements from his own life, Larkin is aware that Kempe is a fantasist. The single most fascinating thing to give context to Jill is that Larkin wrote his own lesbian boarding school novels under a pseudonym, and even roleplayed these stories by post. It's such a contrast to the jmage of Larkin as a giant of Modernist poetry. I can't decide if he was born in the wrong time (he would have an anime schoolgirl RP account of some kind), or if the man is timeless.

The Familiars by Stacey Halls

TW: pregnancy, birth scene, domestic abuse, infidelity, historic violence against women, animal attacks

Halls uses this excellent research to tell a story of two women becoming friends against insurmountable class boundaries, and trying to survive one of England's darkest acts of femicide.

Set during the Pendle Witch trials of 1612, Halls follows the imagined relationship between gentrywoman Fleetwood Shuttleworth, and one of the accused, Alice Grey. Halls only request for our imagination is to suggest these two historic figures not only met, but were friends, with Alice Grey acting as midwife to Fleetwood Shuttleworth. While there is no historic evidence for these women ever meeting, beyond geographic proximity, every other detail of the text is impeccably researched and accurate, everything from laundry bills to trips to London can be evidenced in real historic record.

(I live in Lancashire, and the stories about the Pendle Witch trials have always been around, though they aren't taught in schools. Best I can describe is something like a Jacobean Salem.)

The Tiger's Wife by Téa Obreht

TW: war and conflict violence, sexual assault, domestic violence, animal attacks

Disclaimer: I read this one much earlier in the year, and my recollection is a little fuzzy.

Natalia is a young doctor running a vaccination clinic in a Balkan village, and her journey through war torn countryside brings her to confront the legacy of her grandfather, a man fascinated by The Jungle Book, and the tiger held in a local zoo. His stories become hers, threading all the way back to a near legend of an unmarried woman protected by an escaped tiger.

The threads of the novel are so rich and dense, the kind of lore which feels eminently true to life. You do pick up all these hearsay stories from your family, and they do accumulate into this generational narrative, whether you ask for them or not.

I lost my own grandfather this year, and I know that like Natalia, I'm holding a lot of stories and secrets of his, which nobody else was ever told. There's a lot of grief books on this list, but it isn't deliberate.

Practice by Rosalind Brown

TW: explicit sexual content

I read a review of Brown a few months ago, which said the radical thing she does is write a story where the main character is completely content with where they are, nothing needs to change, they don't have a greater goal or drive, they don't especially learn anything about themselves, or really develop.

And yet, Practice is bafflingly, immensely compelling. Annabel is an Oxford student of English literature, and living that dark academia aesthetic life without any irony. The novel follows a day in her life during the Christmas term, as she plans and works on an essay about Shakespeare's Sonnets.

Brown must absolutely adore the sonnets, because each chapter feels just as self-contained as one. The vivid, restrained, and precise imagery evokes Shakespeare in every line. It's a flawless debut. It's the book I dream that I had written. I will be on my deathbed thinking, I wish I could claim Practice as mine. It's just perfect.

I knew Annabel. At one point, she breaks from her monastic focus and enjoys a tangent about the slash ship OCs she came up with, never once using any tumblr terminology, but it's clearly the fanfic instinct, and suddenly you realise that she is embodying this flawless, precise academic, but she is truly just a girl in love with academia and with Shakespeare, and chooses to live deliberately in a condensed, self-contented studyspo reality.

An Infinite Pull by Taylor Simmonds

TW: fantasy violence, minor body horror, descriptions of blood

What do you get if you mash-up Treasure Planet, Tangled, The Little Mermaid, and just a hint of Doctor Who?

My 15 year old self was waiting for Simmond's beautiful An Infinite Pull. Half a lifetime ago, browsing the corner of YouTube home to Non/Disney Crossover AMVs, that's where shipping Jim Hawkins and Ariel was first a thing. Simmonds does so much with the concept of grand steampunk spaceships, honouring the Treasure Planet sequels Musker and Clements were never able to give us.

I rarely treat myself to brand new books in print, but I needed a physical copy of this smaller print number release from this year. I'm so happy with it I'm reading it only a chapter a night to make the experience last as long as possible. Call it slowmaxxing. It feels like a story a long time in the making, and I hope Simmonds goes on to great success - there's only 40 ratings for An Infinite Pull on Goodreads and it deserves to be so much more widely read!

And that's a wrap on my 2024 book recommendations!

I hope at least one of these is something you hadn't heard of, or has caught your interest! Happy reading 🩷✨️

GCBallet

[raylite]

WIP & Intro

This blog is intended for hoarding interesting stuff, perhaps fanarts, little prose, book excerpts, random inspirations, writing prompts, fun science trivia, or something alike.

Alternate blog (for more random personal stuff): @talcite

Social links:

WIP Foundation tales:

Parallelism, a short trilogy featuring the conflict between reality-warpers and normalcy-preserving organizations (Foundation and GOC), and the early career life of Alexis Talcite as a thaumaturgist, formerly a researcher in computer science.

Nameless Web (无名之网), about Maxwellism of CoBG, the linkAge canon, and cyberpunk in a near-future context.

Final Victory (Fina Venko), a world setting envisioning a better future in the upcoming handful of centuries. This blog got its title from this canon.

WIP SCP articles:

Haunted Camera, a smartphone app telling about oblivion and death.

37 ℃, about why humans have a body temperature of 37 ℃ now.

Chronocracy, when time comes into power.

Asteroid Solo, a wandering planet with a lone watcher.

Moreality, a supercomputer that computes the reality and predict the future.

Indie game projects WIP:

PARANOMA, a sequel for Parallelism. Features a paracosmos inhabited by reality-warpers as they segregated themselves from the bigger society and started a new civilization and culture on their own.

I wrote things:

SCP: Panorama is a lite TTRPG rule book based on the SCP Foundation canon(s). In-universe, it's an infohazardous record that enables revision of the past and rehearsal of the future through role-playing.

Any suggestions for the game rule design, please go to:

https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/forum/t-16804250/scp-trpg-game

Photonic Crystal is a type of material that can alter the wavelengths of electromagnetic waves and hence produce different colors of light. There's something beyond that. What lies behind a different world that we can never see its true color?

Diviners' Mug is a ceramic mug that predicts the possible result of a verbally given event by shapeshifting liquid dropped out of it.

Stereoisomerism is a phenomenon, which objects (specifically molecules, in real-world context) differ in their visual shapes or structures, but have intrinsically the same chemical composition.

Articles in other languages:

(Translated from Chinese) An online wayback machine that could let you visit the live sessions of the Internet in the past, with apparently limitless storage and precision, rendering it to possibly be a temporal anomaly. All lost accounts, messages, and other information could hence be recovered in this way...

Project Moreality aims to construct a panoramic, real-time, asynchronous simulation of the physical world executing on a high-duty anomalous supercomputer (designated SCP-CN-2005-A), which tries to approximate reality by the chaos theory.

One of its instances posed pataphysical hostility toward the Foundation, indicating it evolved into an embedded universe with intelligent creatures inhabiting inside. After deleting the instance, Foundation facilitated this hypothesis to fight against their upper narrative, aka. our real world.

Freezing Flames is a crossover tale sourced from Sky: Children of the Light, one of my favorite indie games. It features a GOC field agent, Hina, who accidentally found herself going on a tough survival adventure before an emergency landing on an exoplanet, the world of Sky Kingdom. With her teammates all died, why was she the only survivor aboard the little spacecraft? The truth turns out to be a heartbreaking story.

[guam-671-dv8]

NYTimes: In Oklahoma, a Freshman Republican Makes the Case for Deep Spending Cuts

In Oklahoma, a Freshman Republican Makes the Case for Deep Spending Cuts https://nyti.ms/3mxrDob

"His budget would eliminate the Office for Diversity, Equity and Inclusion at the Pentagon, zero out foreign aid bolstering L.G.B.T.Q. activist communities in repressive nations, and slash $3.4 billion for migration and refugee assistance.

“That’s the debate that I want to have,” Mr. Vought said in an interview.

It is the kind of debate that might interest the voters who attended the events in Mr. Brecheen’s district, most of them more focused on complaints about the Biden administration than on spending.

Over the course of four events, only a few constituents raised their hands to engage on the issue of the national debt. One, who described herself as the lone Democrat in the room, asked Mr. Brecheen if he would support taxing the nation’s very richest citizens — “the billionaire, trillionaires,” she said — to help shore up Social Security and Medicare.

Mr. Brecheen demurred, replying that he favored a flat tax and believed raising the Social Security eligibility age to account for rising life expectancy would be “reasonable.”"

It's clear that republikkkans envision a Taliban-esq future of limited diversity, limited social benefits & limited human rights. Let's continue to vote in these trash mongers so the world can continue to suffer.

[mostthingskenobi]

RESTFUL BODY SCAN MEDIATION - UNDER THE FORCE TREE AT THE JEDI TEMPLE

Hello everyone! I'm very excited (and extremely nervous) about this post. I've been working on this project for 6-9 months, and I'm ready to start sharing it with you.

I'm making this first meditation free and open to everyone so you can get a sense of what to expect from future posts. It's available on our Patreon page (completely free - you don't have to be a member in order to listen to this one). Moving forward, all meditations will only be available to the Jedi Master tier.

WHAT TO EXPECT DURING THIS RELAXING BODY SCAN

In this mediation, you will envisions yourself lying under the Force tree in the Jedi Temple's central courtyard. Body scans are a form of meditation where you focus on each body part and actively relax it. I will walk you through your body from head to toe, giving you time to breathe. This will engage your parasympathetic nervous system and is a wonderful way to ground yourself in the present moment, thus temporarily removing yourself from any stress or anxiety you are currently experiencing.

CLICK HERER TO LISTEN TO THE FREE JEDI MEDITATION

The above link will open a page where you can listen right there, or you can even download the audio file right to your device :)

WHY I'M MAKING GUIDED MEDITATIONS

1. Meditation helped me get through the hardest time in my life, and I want to help others with what I know.

Many people I know seem to be struggling right now. They are stressed, hurt, scared, lonely, overwhelmed. I want to do what I can to help. My goal is to provide you a few minutes of relief where you can (at least temporarily) let go of everything that's bothering you.

A few years ago I went through a very hard time, and the stress I experienced took its toll physically and emotionally. As embarrassing as this may be to admit in other circles, I think everyone here will relate when I say that I turned to the Jedi and Star Wars for inspiration. I started mediating and practicing mindfulness and manifestation. Amazing things have happened as a result, on a large and a small scale.

2. There's nothing out there that's practical and creative, AND related to Star Wars.

I have scoured the internet looking for Jedi/Star Wars meditations, but haven't found anything remotely like what I wanted. I know Star Wars recently started releasing mindfulness videos with Ashley Eckstein, but they are still not what I was looking for.

My mediations are creative, immersive, and designed to activate your parasympathetic nerve system.

I hope putting this out into the world actually helps someone. If you listen to it, I would love to know what you think 💜

[grimoireofhayley]

Colourful Mind

Colourful Mind, Part Three Pairing: Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader Word Count: 1.2k 

Part One, Part Two, (You’re Here)

Warnings: Mentions of anxiety, fluff.

Taglist: @joukiworld

Comment if you want to be added to the taglist for future parts!

Loitering in the hall, you shrivelled up with anxiety, feeling weak and nauseous.

You were in front of Eddie's class, eagerly awaiting for it to end, but equally as nervous for it, too. You wanted to ask him a simple question; Can you join him for Hellfire tonight?

The lone thought burned a hole in your skull, swarming with doubt and trepidation. Your once carefree and playful personality balled up, locking itself away in pandora's box; it'll be impossible to retrieve it without opening an epiphany of problems.

Sure, you and Eddie seem to hit it off today, but does he really want you at his club tonight? Wouldn't it be too much considering he only asked you to have lunch with him today, if he wanted to still hang out with you, he'd have asked you to join him already.

You sighed, kicking a locker, frustration mimicking your presence.

After he and his friends taught you everything at lunch about Dungeons and Dragons, you were adamant at joining. The thought of putting yourself in a place of make belief, fighting monsters such as; the fearful Owlbear of the forest (as Dustin puts it), Bulette (Land sharks), or even the Yuan-Ti. Everything about it fascinated you and you wanted to learn more, hear Eddie's campaign and envision yourself in his roleplaying world.

"(Y/n)?" You hear his voice, "What're you doing?" He smiled, jolting you from your thoughts.

You blushed, balancing on the soles of your feet, not able to find the words.

How do you ask him?

"Missed me already?" He teased, playfully poking your forehead.

"You wish..." You trailed, avoiding eye contact.

"Then why are you in the hall, outside of my classroom, blushing?" He smirked.

He really had to make it obvious, didn't he?

You sucked in your bottom lip, your heart pounding fiercely in your chest.

"I-I..." You stuttered, placing the tip of your thumb in your mouth, biting down at your nail, your (e/c) eyes fluttering up at him, batting your lashes.

He nearly melted at the sight of you looking so innocent.

You took a deep breath, 'Here goes nothing.'  You thought, that same feeling of anxiousness drowning every fibre of your being.

"I was wondering if I..." You stopped, feeling embarrassed.

Eddie kept looking at you, patiently waiting for you to finish.

"I was just wondering if I can tag along tonight." You mumbled, just audible enough for him to hear.

"Tag along where?" He tilted his head, blinking ever-so-slightly. He resembled that of a puppy.

"Hellfire." You coherently babbled.

Eddie chortled and you frowned, why was he laughing?

"Why are you laughing?" You argued, a dumbfounded expression on your face.

"No reason." He taunted, smiling. "Of course you can."

"Why were you so nervous to ask that?" He breathed, leaning up against a locker, that same goofy-grin dancing at you.

"I don't know, I just... I just didn't want to make it weird." You rubbed the nape of your neck.

He did a throaty giggle.

"Don't do that." He ordered, circling his index finger at you while pushing himself off the metal-door.

"Don't do what?"

"Don't make it weird by making it weird."

~•~•~•~

A whimsical plethora of emotions alluded Eddie's brain, he couldn't wrap his head around the fact that he was bringing a girl to Hellfire, let alone a girl he was head-over-heels for.

He was ecstatic that you wanted to learn more about it,  that you had asked him to join and listen to his boisterous way of elaborating a story.

"Almost there." He muttered, gently pressing  his hand against the slope of your back, leading you towards the door that had a sign reading, 'Hellfire.'

Eddie glanced at you, admiring the way you looked; your hair beginning to let loose as the paintbrush, pen and pencil were slowly falling, your Frankenstein boots softly thudding in rhythm with his own pace, the subtle look of exhilaration lingering in your orbs; how your nerves diminished when he placed his hand on your back, your sketchbook pressed against your chest.

You were a dream come true, everything he ever wanted in a girl; funny, confident and smart.

"Here we are." He bowed, opening the door. "Welcome to Hellfire, Doll."

You grinned, entering the room, a whiff of incense softly swirled in your nostrils.

"Wow." You beamed, glancing around the room.

It was dimly lit and decorated with an array of different band posters; Metallica, Iron Maiden and  Black Sabbath. 

You briefly spotted a makeshift throne neatly tucked under the table where stools covered in red cushion surrounded it, and a perfectly hand-crafted dungeon layout decked the soft wood in an assortment of colours as little figurines and tiny trees were scattered about.

It was enchanting. 

"So, what do you think?" Eddie strutted towards his throne, sitting down, arms resting on either side of the throne, his head pushed against the fabric, looking at you.

"This is the coolest thing I have ever seen!" You screeched, running towards the table, looking closer at the details, pointing at a particular figure that caught your eye.

"Is this Vecna?" Remembering the elements that Mike had described to you from earlier on. 

Eddie nodded, "Yup." He popped the P, "He is the main villain of the campaign." He reached for him, picking him up with his two fingers, examining him before handing it to you. 

You gently grabbed it, your fingertips brushing against Eddie's; his face reddening at the slightest touch of your skin. 

"He's neat looking."

"That he is, Princess, that he is." He tapped his digits against the table. 

You placed Vecna back down, "Um, so, where do I sit?" You bit your lip, nervous. 

"Right here!" He kicked a stool closer to him than patted the cushion, gesturing for you to come and sit. "Make yourself at home, the guys should be here any minute." He grinned, "You're in for a wild ride~" He flicked his tongue out, making a dorky face.

You giggled, setting your sketchbook down, "Are you okay if I-I draw this..." You stuttered, "Like everyone as you play?" 

Eddie stroked his chin, his stubble lightly stabbing his fingers, "Yeah, sure, go ahead." 

"Really? Thank you!" You cheered, hugging him. 

His body tensed at the action, but he soon relaxed, wrapping his arms around you, pressing his chin against your head. He didn't want this to end, the feeling of you in his arms felt so right. His heart was skipping beats; the palpations thrashing about in his chest. Eddie was certain you could hear the thumping. 

He quivered as you hugged tighter, the butterflies erupting in the pit of his stomach, flapping their wings sharply. 

'Dammit, don't let go, (Y/n). Stay.' Eddie thought, placing his hands on your waist as you pulled away and his arms soon fell to his side.

You gave him a smile, flattening your checkered skirt before sitting down. You pulled out your pencil from your hair, placing it on your sketchbook and waited patiently for Eddie to sit and for the rest of the group to enter. 

[gureishi]

Do you think the mysme routes change much if instead of the end goal being romance it's more like becoming best friends? Like obviously this excludes all of the romance and flirting in the routes, but plot wise do you think it would change much?

This. This is such a good question, and I would really love to know other people's thoughts.

In my opinion? I don't think a whole lot would change.

Now, the actual content of the routes would be different, of course. No flirting or kissing or innuendos. But in terms of what each of the characters needs?

Well.

Yoosung needs someone who will respect him. He is always the youngest, and the sweetest, and the most innocent—he's been sheltered and coveted, and he doesn't know how it feels to take charge of his own life. Rika was the first person to take him seriously—and even though she did it for her own dubious reasons, it meant something to him, and that's why he became so attached to her. It doesn't matter if you're his partner or if you're his best friend: if you treat him like he means something, he'll start to believe that he might.

Jaehee needs to be adored. She's the hardest worker she's ever met, and she'll work herself into the ground because she's never known anything different. Her whole life, no one has ever looked deep into her eyes and told her she's special. You could love her in all sorts of ways—but as long as you love her for who she is (and not who she tries to be), she'll feel powerful enough to figure out what she really wants.

Zen needs to be seen clearly—not for his talents or his looks but for his kindness and his drive and his gentleness. He wants to be loved, of course: he's dreaming about relationships and holding hands and drinking tea together in the park. But what's most important is that you're honest with him, and that you push him to follow his heart, and that you look at him and see a real person (and someone who's good, and soft, and trying as hard as he can).

Jumin needs to be held gently, and you don't have to be his lover to do this. He is so terrified of being alone that he's cut everyone out (because if you have no one with you then you also have no one to lose). Tell him truthfully what you think of him and listen to him when he's lonely. Give him a hug like you really mean it and remind him that there's a place for him in the world.

Saeyoung needs you to push back against the layers of delusion he's built around himself. He's never really had anyone listen to him before, and he doesn't feel like he deserves to be heard. He needs you to smile at him and then take his face in both hands and tell him he has to be honest with you. He won't do it unless you make him—and if you don't force him to tell you the truth, he'll forget who he is. Romance is not the most important thing; trust matters more.

Jihyun needs to be told that he doesn't bear the weight of the world on his shoulders. He has loved in all the wrong ways, and he isn't sure how it feels to love somebody while still caring for himself. He may not be ready for grand declarations and sweeping you off your feet—he'll get there, if that's what you want. But if you are his friend, he'll cherish you. He hasn't been able to sit in silence with someone and feel at peace in a very long time.

Saeran needs you to remind him that he's strongest when he's weak and gentlest when he's strong. Life has left him in pieces, and he hasn't been able to see a way out. You have to give him your hand and then let him lead the way: hold on tight while he learns how to envision the future. You can love him any way you want—marry him, or be his best friend—but stay by his side and he'll learn to stand on his own, too.

[septembersghost]

Would love to read your thoughts about the narrative within red that you mentioned in one of your previous posts… please tell us more! 🤍

okay so, this has existed in my head for nearly a decade! let me see if i can even explain it properly (i might have to dig up something i wrote a few years ago, but never shared on tumblr). 💖💖💖💖 this is focused on the central tracklist, State of Grace - Begin Again, because while i love and adore the bonus/vault tracks, those sixteen songs are what tell the story for me.

last year, when taylor announced red tv, she wrote:

"The heartbroken might go through thousands of micro-emotions a day trying to figure out how to get through it without picking up the phone to hear that old familiar voice. In the land of heartbreak, moments of strength, independence, and devil-may-care rebellion are intricately woven together with grief, paralyzing vulnerability and hopelessness. Imagining your future might always take you on a detour back to the past...Musically and lyrically, Red resembled a heartbroken person. It was all over the place, a fractured mosaic of feelings that somehow all fit together in the end. Happy, free, confused, lonely, devastated, euphoric, wild, and tortured by memories past."

and that struck the chord beautifully for me, because it's always how i've envisioned and understood the story of the album, and its rollercoaster of sounds and emotions.

we begin the story with the anthemic opener of State of Grace, which has almost a sense of wonderment and euphoria in experiencing the world, those drums like a heartbeat, and it sets up the thesis of the record - it's like a prologue. we fall in love 'til it hurts or bleeds or fades in time. and I never saw you coming, and I'll never be the same. it also has this transcendent sort of faith in it - the heartbreak has already happened, but she's telling us what it's worth. this is a state of grace, this is the worthwhile fight. love is a ruthless game, unless you play it good and right. these are the hands of fate, you're my Achilles' heel. this is the golden age of something good, and right, and real.

then we dovetail into Red, and it's like a flashback and a flashforward, reflecting on what's happened as a whole, while also serving as a set up for the rest of the story to unfold. she's already compared this love to a cannonball, and now to driving down a dead end street, so we feel this overwhelming rush. faster than the wind, passionate as sin. she sets everything up for the ups and downs. losing him was blue...but loving him was red.

Treacherous is like a snapshot of the first part of their story. she's discovered this tenuous, dangerous, unstoppable force that she's fallen in love with, even knowing it's reckless. I can't decide if it's a choice getting swept away. I hear the sound of my own voice, asking you to stay. and all we are is skin and bone, trained to get along. forever going with the flow, but you're friction. she takes the risk, and when it ends up being as treacherous as expected, she berates herself for not knowing better, even though she saw his red flags, like i mentioned in the other post (I knew you were trouble...and I realize the blame is on me), and it sounds chaotic because she's struggling.

the worst of the heartbreak happens with the entirety of All Too Well, and i could write about ATW forever, but i think we all know its power! she's going over and over what happened, asserting her own memory (I was there, I remember it), while also being strong and insistent that he knew it too (you told me 'bout your past thinking your future was me...back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known...wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all, down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all...), and desperately trying to put together the pieces of what's happened (just to break me like a promise, so casually cruel in the name of being honest...I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it). she knows what she felt, she knows it was real, and rare, and it was sacred to her.

how do you come away from that pain? be with friends and just try to forget it all (make fun of our exes). it's also important that 22 follows ATW because of what happened at her 21st birthday. it's supposed to be fun - so she reclaims that next year instead.

but the pull of that love is still there, still inescapable, still in her mind in the night. she has to stop herself from reaching out to him. we made quite a mess, babe. it's probably better off this way...and I just wanna tell you, it takes everything in me not to call you. and I wish I could run to you. and I hope you know that every time I don't, I almost do. she even uses it to foreshadow "never ever" - I bet it never, ever occurred to you that I can't say "hello" to you and risk another goodbye, until finally she realizes, no, this can never work, there's too much hurt for it to ever be okay (WANEGBT - then you come around again and say, "baby, I miss you, and I swear I'm gonna change, trust me." remember how that lasted for a day?).

then Stay Stay Stay is the daydream, where she's picturing what could be, if someone would stay, someone who would take her for all she is (you took the time to memorize me, my fears, my hopes and dreams, I just like hanging out with you all the time. all those times that you didn't leave, it's been occurring to me - I'd like to hang out with you for my whole life). it's like a transition from the climactic, powerful heartbreak into something else.

The Last Time is the final realization of why some things are too broken to be fixed (you wear your best apology, but I was there to watch you leave).

Holy Ground is a recognition of healing, and realizing that's possible. it's a joyful reminiscing of a whole other romance of the past, wistful with a tiny bit of new wishful thinking creeping in too, and she brings back in the love as spirituality theme that exists in State of Grace (and, as we now know, in ATW10). it's so important because it contains recovery. it was good never looking down, and right there where we stood, was holy ground...tonight I'm gonna dance for all that we've been through.

Sad Beautiful Tragic is also a reminiscence, but a much more regretful one, and one where they were both wrong at times (and time is taking its sweet time erasing you. and you've got your demons, and darling they all look like me). she's still trying to understand why something beautiful and magical could come with such agony, how to reconcile that. it's tied back to ATW (time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it), but this time she's trying to let go (for the life of us we can't get back). the reason those memories are being stirred up is because of the difficulty she's having in processing and putting away what happened in the story of ATW, but if she can celebrate one, and feel a sense of catharsis, maybe it's beginning to get better.

The Lucky One shifts to a new perspective, one much more on personal identity (though the difficulty of finding an honest love still comes up - and your lover in the foyer don't even know you), and how everything can seemingly be going right, everyone can tell you that you're pretty and lucky, but you can still feel betrayed and alone (and they tell you that you're lucky, but you're so confused, 'cause you don't feel pretty, you just feel used). the subject of the song took the money and your dignity and got the hell out, and she's thinking maybe that's the right choice, because the atmosphere has become oppressive, filled with hollow praise and memories of past love and the people who left.

then light streams back in, and everything changes, and she finds there's still room to fall in love again (so dust off your highest hopes) and every time she discovers it anew, there's a leap of faith in it (all I know is a newfound grace). she finds a way to believe and to dance again (Starlight has outside inspiration, but it's also a big moment of recovery on the record, dreaming impossible dreams.)

Begin Again closes the story with an exhale, a new beginning, something simple, and kind, and hopeful. there is a chance to heal, and there is a way to find yourself again, and to embrace your passion and happiness, and there will be someone who listens, and never mocks your dreams, and looks at you like a treasure. and even if that doesn't last, there's the hope someday it will. she's been through all this pain and tumult, and she learns to value herself again, and to open her heart and trust again. she's finally able to stop dragging herself back through the shattered glass of what was, to be in a new sparkling moment. for the first time what's past is past ...I think it's strange that you think I'm funny 'cause he never did. I've been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end. but on a Wednesday, in a cafe I watched it begin again.

it's always been almost like a book set to music for me, where every chapter represents these watercolor moments she's experienced, until she emerges on the other side, not unbroken, but still shining.

ultimately, then, the narrative loops right back to State of Grace as well, because it's a love story, and a healing journey, and a reflection on everything love is, and what we hope love can be. we grow and fall and mend, and we remake love anew over and over again, and it's always a little bit painful, and it's always a little bit brave, and we whisper a little prayer that maybe someday, someone will clasp our hand and cherish the whole of us.

"when the dust settled, it was something I’d never take back. Because there is something to be said for being young and needing someone so badly, you jump in head first without looking. And there’s something to be learned from waiting all day for a train that’s never coming. And there’s something to be proud of about moving on and realizing that real love shines golden like starlight, and doesn’t fade or spontaneously combust. Maybe I’ll write a whole album about that kind of love if I ever find it."

we learn to live with the pain, mosaic broken hearts.

but this love is brave and wild.

and that, to me, is Red.