#the word “hypocrite��� gets said at least 50 times

[everwalldigan]

Bruce: *waking up in a hospital that he drove himself to after having a heart attack and telling absolutely nobody* hey…

The entirety of the batclan looking over him with Dick in the centre, an absolute terrifying grin on his face:

Dick: hello Bruce, nice evening isn’t it? Got something to share with us?

Edit: the fic is now out on ao3! https://archiveofourown.org/works/57780508

[thebestofoneshots]

Gilded Constellations | (wolfstar x reader)

Series Masterlist | Previous episode

Pairing: Wolfstar x Reader Word Count: 9 K Warnings: Angst (like pretty much every chapter so far). ♡THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SMUT ♡: fingering, hand job, P in V, lots of kissing and teasing. Soft!Sirius. Consent is Sexy! Prompt: At the Potter's, Sirius and Reader take a small little detour in the woods. This IS a Wolfstar x reader fic, but it's incredibly slow burn. They won't start all dating each other until we're very deep into the story, but I promise the long wait will be worth it.

Proofread by lovely: @aremuslupinsimp

Chapter 50: Love the One You’re With

♡ SMUT UNDER THE CUT ♡

January, 06th, 1977

Spending time with the boys, planning the prank, and exploring the grounds of Potter Manor had been as distracting as you could expect it to be. James had woken you every day at around 10 am for flying –he’d borrowed you one of his old brooms– and even Remus had joined since it wasn’t unspeakably early like normally. 

You hadn’t seen him fly very often, but he was as good as any of the boys. If he trained, he could have even become better than James. He also joined smaller quidditch matches that you played with the boys, and while he hadn’t trained as much as either of you, he had a mean-as-hell arm for beating. You could tell Sirius had a hard time returning his bludgers, you decided not to test your luck and avoided them altogether. Even if Remus seemed to always be checking if you were alert before throwing one your way, they flew so fast, that you barely had time to step out of their trajectory. 

You were thankful that the boys hadn’t tried to talk about what happened further, not even Effie who seemed to always look at you with a small frown on her soft features. As if she wanted to approach you and talk things out but was also refraining from doing so. 

Even James, who tended to be a little too wrapped in his head seemed to be extra considerate, and he was clearly trying to keep you entertained. Be it flying, prank designing, asking you to help him with the letter he would send to Lily, or inventing games for everyone to play, he wasn’t letting anyone have a free moment in which any of you could start moping.

And you were more than thrilled it had been that way, you were still trying to avoid your feelings, pretending as if all of it hadn’t happened wasn’t as hard as you thought it might be outside of the bubble of the cottage, in fact with James being so hell-bent on entertaining all of you, you barely even had time to consider the difference. Besides, there was something else occupying your mind. 

Remus was acting weird again, and you still weren’t sure what was going on with him. You also weren’t enough of a hypocrite to ask him to talk it through with you when you had barely done the same yourself. Either way, you kept your eyes on him often, trying to read his expressions –never his mind thought– to see if you could use body language and wit to understand what was going on with your best friend.

“I’m knackered,” you said as you threw yourself on the sofa. You had been playing all day and Remus and Sirius had been ruthless while trying to throw you and James off your brooms while you chased the snitch. He had won. 

“At least you’ll become better at dodging this way,” James said as he handed you a glass of water and sat beside you. 

“I’m already pretty good at dodging.” 

“You might hold the record of getting hit by the most balls at this point, Starshine,” Sirius said as he sat on the small wooden table in front of you and Prongs. Remus plopped right next to you and sank into the sofa. 

“My arms hurt,” he complained. “Don’t yours?” 

“Nope,” Sirius said, popping the p. Remus might have been stronger, but he wasn’t used to beating almost every day in the same way Sirius was. He never thought he’d be able to boast about having more condition than his best friend the werewolf and he was positively beaming because he wasn’t half as tired as Remus looked. 

You took a sip of the water James had given you and passed it to Remus who looked even thirstier than you felt, he took it gladly, his hands brushing over yours as they normally would. As if his tiredness made him forget why he’d placed a distance between the two (or at least more than normal, you were still closer to him than you were to most people, he was your best friend, after all). 

“Okay, you may rest 5 minutes, then we’re going to see if we find more tadpoles” 

“Prongs, mate, there’s no way in hell I’ll go search for tadpoles, I want a shower and a bed,” Remus said.

“That,” you said as you pointed at Rems. “Actually sounds lovely, we should all do that instead.” 

“No,” Sirius said as he stood up and extended his hand your way. “I want to show you something.” 

“Sirius,” you whined, sinking deeper into the sofa.

“Come on, you’ll love it.”  You pouted. “I can carry you there if you want.” 

You sighed and stood up while grumbling something about wanting to rest for at least just a bit when James took hold of your arm. “But the tadpoles–” 

“Prongs, she’s coming with me now, go write a letter for Lily or whatever.” 

“Without Vixen?” he asked mortified, Remus laughed. 

“Don’t send it until someone sane has checked it, at least.” 

“She can’t continue being your cupid,” Remus added. “You’ll have to sway Lily by yourself.” 

You laughed. “As if he hadn’t asked Sirius all the tips and tricks before hooking up with her.” 

“Not a hook-up,” James corrected. “We’re dating, I’m not like Moony.” 

A pillow hit James’ face after that. “I’m tired, not deaf,” Remus grumbled, he was especially cranky because the moon would be the following day, you had already made arrangements for it. The Potters knew about Remus’ condition and they’d leave the perimeters so you could handle everything by yourselves in your animagi form.

“Well, you’ve never had an actual girlfriend. And you were playing around with that Ravenclaw girl, who by the way, I didn’t like all that much either.” 

“Alice is nice!” you said quickly. She was a little boy crazy and she enjoyed being a free spirit, but she was a good girl, very clever too. 

“I’m not saying she isn’t. But Remus didn’t love her. If anything I’d say he liked you more than he ever liked her.” 

Remus panicked the minute James said that, but it flew right past both you and Sirius. “Well that’s because I’m amazing, Prongs,” you said with a smile and shot him a wink. 

“Not what I meant,” he responded in a more serious tone. 

“How about you all stop discussing my love life and start worrying about your own?” 

“Will you help me with the letters? Maybe you know a poem that could help me sway her.” 

“No,” Remus said dourly.  

“Oh, he knows many,” you teased. 

“I’m still not gonna help him.” 

“But Moony!” Prongs said with a pout and allowed his head to fall on Moony’s legs, he got shoved off shortly after. You laughed, even though something in the back of your mind told you there was something wrong with the entire ordeal. Sirius does that all the time and he never gets more than an annoyed glance, you realised. Then again, James had just insulted Moony, and Moony could be really petty when he wanted to, especially near the moon.

“How about this… I’ll get you one of mom’s relaxing bath bombs, and you help?” Luckily for James, he could be persistent as hell when he wanted to. 

Moony groaned in return and turned to James. “You think you can add something for muscle pain?” 

“Playing again tomorrow helps with that,” Sirius said as he ruffled Remus’ hair, who in turn, shoved his hand off and threw him a spiteful look. “We’ll leave you boys to it then,” he said with a shrug wrapping his hand in yours to pull you along with him. 

“Where are you taking me?” You asked as you reached the door and he grabbed a thick coat, placing it around your shoulders and then placing a hat over your head that was so long you had to push back to be able to see again. Sirius took one of Remus’ coats and placed it around himself. 

“He charmed it, it’s warmer,” he said casually as he accommodated it. “And… it’s a surprise.” Had he really taken Remus’ sweater because it was warmer? He wasn’t entirely sure, but he had seen his and James’ and yours (borrowed by Effie), and Remus’ had seemed the best choice. You hadn’t even noticed he had taken Remus’ until he mentioned it was warmer. 

You pursed your lips and sighed, nodded and followed along Sirius, who still holding your hands in his, was walking you through the billowy blanket of snow that stretched all the way to the small forest. You had seen the forest before, the boys had taken you there a couple of times and while you hadn’t actually seen the entire thing, the Potters had mentioned it was safe, and that it had been in the family for generations –nothing like the Forbidden Forest back in Hogwarts.

“Will you really not tell me where we’re going?” 

“No, close your eyes.” He responded. “Go on!” 

You shook your head with a small scoff but did as told. He placed his hands over your face. One of them was warm –the one he had around yours– but the other one was a little colder, which made you flinch back and crash against him. He chuckled breathily and you could feel his breath on your neck. 

“If you wanted for us to stand closer you could have said so, Étoile.” 

You huffed in response. “Next time you put your freezing hands on my face, I’ll throw snow down your shirt.” 

“Don’t be like that,” he said with a pout and pressed a kiss to your cheeks. His lips were also rather cold, but you didn’t mind them touching you at all. “Careful there’s a branch,” he said as he guided you through the forest.

“Are we close?” 

“Almost,” Sirius replied. “To the left,” he added as he pushed you to the side for you to get past another obstacle. 

You must have given 15 other steps. You felt the weather get slightly humid and… kind of warmer? “Sirius what is–” 

“Open your eyes,” he interrupted and removed his hands from your face and placed them on your shoulder instead. 

There was a small round pool, surrounded by trees, although the sun still shone through some of them. There was steam piling on top of the water and the water itself was so pale, that it almost looked silver, like Sirius’ eyes. You leaned down and curiously dug your hand. The water was indeed warm, but when you pulled your hand out along with it, it rained down in a colourful, rainbow-like, manner. 

You dug your hand again and agitated it inside the water, the ripples were just as colourful as the stream that had dropped from your hand, turning the silvery water into a splendid visage. You had heard of things like this but you had never actually seen them. 

“Is this–” 

“Yeah,” Sirius said as he leaned down next to you. “A vieux fae thermal pool. Legend says Nymphs each had one of these to warm themselves in winter and invite their Nereid friends. James and I found it a few years ago while exploring and we lost it. I found it again while looking for the Tadpoles and thought you had to see it.” 

“There weren’t any here, were they?” you teased and he shook his head with a laugh. He also placed his hand on the water, but it didn’t tint all the wonderful colours like it had with your hand. It was only silvery shiny ripples. 

You leaned your hand towards his in the water, and the moment you touched it, the colours came back. “It must be your fae heritage,” Sirius said. “It certainly didn’t make those colours when James and I swam inside.” 

“You swam inside?” You gasped, turning to him in disbelief. “Don’t you know that pisses off the fae?” 

“There are no fae here,” he responded. “They made a deal with Prong’s family long ago. They switched lands or something like that. Effie was scandalised when we told her the thermal pool we’d found thinking there was fae in the house,” he chuckled, “but Monty was quick to tell her about it.”

“Does that mean… we can get swim without pissing anyone off?” You asked, a small smirk appearing on your lips. 

“Indeed,” Sirius said, mirroring your expression. 

Your smile grew wider and you quickly shrugged off the coat. It was cold, but the water would be warm enough once you were inside. Sirius copied you in an instant. Remus’ coat was carefully left on top of a rock, right next to yours. You discarded the hat and flipped Remus’ long-sleeved jumper over your head. 

“Don’t you have any clothes of your own?” Sirius asked when he noticed you had one of his shirts under that. 

“Shut up or I’ll actually swim with it,” you responded as you unlaced your trainers and took them off, placing them and your socks just beside the rock. 

“But you’d ruin it!” 

“Exactly,” you added before unbuttoning the thick pants you had on letting them drop on the floor. You were shivering slightly and missed the way Sirius’ gaze trailed your thighs as you stepped out of the pants and left them on the rock.

By the time you looked his way he had already averted your gaze, but his cheeks were slightly tinted. He pulled his hand back and yanked his shirt off from the back of the neckline, it had been so fast and so seamless that you couldn’t help but blink in surprise. 

“Like what you see?” he teased. 

“Oh shut up, Puppy,” you said before taking your own shirt off. Either way, Sirius had already seen you in underwear, you were not expecting him to get nearly as flustered as he did. “Turn around.”

“What?” He asked with a frown. 

“Turn around, I don’t want to have wet underwear when we get out.” 

He frowned and once he understood what you meant he swallowed and did as told. He was tempted to turn back, to see, but he fixed his eyes on the pile of clothes and tried not to think too much about it when he saw, first your bra, and then your knickers fall on the rock. He gulped and tried to focus his mind on something else, which proved rather unsuccessful since he could still see them on the rock. 

There was a short splash, “You may turn now,” you said with a smile. He turned around. You were leaning against the edge, you had your face resting on your arms and he could see half of your back as it dipped into the rainbow colours that seemed to ripple away from you. Your scarred arm was in full view, and his gaze lingered over it just for a second before it went back to your face.

Your hair was wet and it was clinging to your head and there were a few droplets of water sliding from your cheek that shone like bubbles, or perhaps like oil spilt on the ground. He gulped thickly and stared, no wonder muggles were kidnapped by fae and drowned by mermaids willingly, he thought, he too would have gotten in willingly if he found you like that on a random walk in the woods. When you realised he was staring you smirked and tilted your head to the side. “Like what you see?” 

He scoffed wryly at the way you threw his words back at him and smiled, biting his lip before tilting his head as well. “Turn around then,” he told you.

You smiled, and dipped back in the water, appearing back again with your back turned to him. He was quick to take off his underwear and jump in, you heard him sigh as the water helped him warm up again.

When the water stilled you turned around again. Sirius was staring at you with a sneaky little smile, paying close attention to how the water looked. He found it absolutely fascinating, the way your sole touch made the water change so naturally around you, he wondered what that same touch could do to him. It would certainly change some things. 

“Stop it,” you said with a smile. 

“I’m doing nothing!” he protested.

“You’re staring.” 

“Well, you’re beautiful, you can’t blame me.” 

You pouted and dipped half of your head in the water, only leaving your eyes above it before he noticed how embarrassed he’d made you. It’s not that Sirius didn’t take every chance he got to remind you how much he liked you, but you weren’t always naked while he said it. 

He smirked, “Are you flustered?” 

You splashed him with water in retort, the water flying in all sorts of magical colours and turning silver the minute it clashed with his skin, like his eyes. 

“Oi!” he complained as he wiped his face with the back of his hands. 

“This reminds me of Mexico.” 

“This is nothing like Mexico,” he responded, while he avoided staring at the valley of your breasts, he was sure the waves and ripples you were both creating could –if they wanted to– stop covering most of them and flash him in the process.

“What do you mean? There’s water, you’re being a bit of an idiot, trying to seduce me with your pretty words–” he splashed you now, the silvery water falling in colourful droplets onto your face. “See? You’re even splashing me when I call you out!” 

“You think I’m trying to seduce you?” He asked with a smirk, taking a step closer. 

“Aren’t you always?” you retorted. 

He hummed in response, cocking his head to the side with a devilish smile, he looked bewitching, his curls were wet and cascading around his face, the ripples of colour reflecting in his eyes, sometimes it was staggering how gorgeous he was, but he knew the effect he had on you and he loved it. 

“Perhaps I am,” he said as he took another step closer. “But you love every bit of it, don’t you, Starshine? You love it when I call you pretty, and when I whisper in your ear how much I like you, the way you laugh, the way you look at me, the way you smell.” 

You knew what he was doing, and you threw another splash of water his way before pushing yourself to the side and swimming around him. He laughed at your reaction and threw some water back, silvery and colourful water droplets clashing against each other and your faces. 

You dipped your head in the water and circled him until you stood behind him, then leaned a little closer, placing both hands on his shoulders and using them as leverage to float a little. Leaning in even further and resting your head on his neck, not quite allowing the rest of your body to touch his, not yet. 

“Do you mind?” you asked as you wrapped one of your arms over his shoulder.

“Not at all,” he said, voice short. Neither of you had forgotten that under the ripples of the silvery water, you were both bare. He turned his head and pressed a soft, and quick kiss to your cheek. “You feel really soft,” he added. 

“You’ve felt me plenty of times.” 

He stifled a laugh at the innuendo in your words, “I meant slippery.” 

You hummed in response, “You do too… but not soft,” you added as you sneaked one of your hands on his bicep, it was still toned after he practised beating with Rem, more than normal if you might say so yourself.

“Tease,” he said as he shoved you with his shoulder, stopping when he felt your breast brush against his skin. “Sorry,” he muttered quickly. He had felt your breasts before, while making out, but never on his back and he hadn’t dared to sneak his hand under your bra either. 

“It’s okay,” you said and leaned a little closer, allowing them to fully rest on his back. He flushed when he felt your nipples, perky against his muscles. “I don’t mind if you don’t.” 

“I certainly don’t,” he replied and thanked the heavens the water was all sorts of colours instead of clear, or you would have seen his –very evident now– reaction to your closeness. “Are you flustered now?” you asked when you noticed the slight blush creeping up his neck.

“It’s the cold,” he rushed out. 

“Is it?” you teased and brushed your hand over his arm again. “And here I thought I was turning you on.” 

He turned his head to look at your face with eyebrows raised, surprised at your words. 

“Starshine…” he warned. 

You gave him an innocent look in return, “Yeah?” 

“Who’s seducing who, now?” 

“Still you,” you said with a small smirk, reaching out to brush one of his curls behind his ear. You pressed a soft kiss to his cheek before pulling back to admire him again, your fingers tracing circles near his collarbone.

“You think?” he asked as he turned his head to yours, his lips dangerously close to your own. 

“Definitely,” you whispered, his lips were almost brushing yours. He closed the gap, it was a small kiss at first. But you leaned in closer and his tongue was in yours in no time. You were slowly slipping from his shoulder and in front of him while you kissed. He placed both of his hands on the back of your neck when you were in front of him, pulling your head closer and using his thumbs to brush your hair out of your face. 

“You’re stunning, you know that?” he asked as he pulled apart for a second and pressed a kiss to your cheek. “Sometimes all I can think of is you,” he added. Sometimes it’s Remus. He kissed you again when that thought crossed his mind. 

One of his hands moved to your arm, and then to your waist, lingering only for a second on the side of your breast, as if he wanted to touch but wasn’t sure if you’d want that too. “Go ahead,” you said as you pulled from the kiss and whispered into his mouth. He seemed hesitant at first, but when you went back to kiss him he traced his fingers from your waist towards the lower side of your breast. He brushed his thumb before he wrapped his hand around it, he deepened the kiss and you almost melted under his touch. 

Neither you nor him had gotten this far before while making out, you loved it, you couldn’t think of anything other than Sirius and you certainly didn’t want to think of anything other than him. You’d been thinking too much already. You pushed your body into his but he pulled his hips back and placed both hands on your shoulders to hold you in place. 

“Wait,” he said, panting. “You don’t want to do that.” 

You cocked your head before you realised what had happened. “Sirius…” 

“Just one second,” he said, his eyes were closed shut and he had a small frown as if he was trying to concentrate on something. 

You smirked when he realised what was going on and giggled, placing your hand on his cheek before tentatively leaning closer to him again. “Weren’t you the one teaching Prongs all of your knowledge on the train?” 

His head snapped your way and he swallowed. “Yes but, we’ve– you’ve never… not really.” 

“Sirius, we've been going out for months.” 

“Exactly! And we’ve never even gotten past, you know!” 

“We do get interrupted rather often,” you said in agreement. “I doubt we’ll get interrupted now, though.” 

“But you’re naked,” he added as he motioned his head down, “Me too.” 

“Mhm,” you said as you leaned in to kiss him again, Placing your hand on his chest and then slowly sliding it down his chiselled abdomen you added, “That’s kind of a requirement for it.” When you reached down, you were not expecting to feel him as hard as he was, you pulled your hand back tentatively. “Is this why you pulled back?” 

He averted your gaze, and you smiled. “Sorry…” 

“Oh don’t be,” you said as you lowered your hand again, wrapping it around his cock, he groaned in response. “I just thought with your experience… it would take a little longer for you to– you know.” 

“You’ve been teasing since you shrugged off your coat, what did you expect?” he responded, you moved your hand. ”Fuck.” 

“You’ve never gotten like this while making out…” 

“You’ve never been naked while we’re making out. You’ve never teasingly placed your nipples on –shit.” 

“It’s okay,” you coed, and pressed a small kiss to his cheek. 

You flicked your wrist and gripped him again, brushing his tip with your thumb and he moaned, louder than you had ever heard him moan, it sent a thrill down your spine. 

“Hold up–” he said and lowered one of his hands to your stomach. “May I?” He was panting from the way you were pleasuring him, flushed and he looked like it was hard for him to form proper thoughts, and yet here he was, head slightly tilted down, asking if he could touch you. 

You nodded in response. He bit his lip at your words and lowered his hands further down, tracing your slit slowly with his index and then using a different one to part his way in, he wasn’t sure how he didn’t cum the minute he felt you. It was all slippery, and he couldn’t tell if you were turned on, or if it was just the water, so he was slow and tender as he moved his fingers up and down your slit. 

“Is that good?” 

“Mhm,” you said as you moved your own hips to chase his fingers. “There,” you added as one of his fingers brushed against your clit. 

“Like this?” he asked as he circled, “or this?” he added as he moved his finger over it, in an up-and-down motion instead. 

“Fuck,” you said as you laid your head on his shoulder, your movements on his cock becoming dumber as his on your clit became more determined. 

“Okay, I see,” he smirked when he found a pace that you liked, he lowered his fingers a bit further and teased your entrance. “Would you like it if–” 

“Please,” you pretty much whined. He smiled, loving the effect he had on you and pulled you back for a kiss, you moaned into his mouth when you felt his finger tease your entrance again, slowly sliding in.

“You’re so fucking tight,” he sighed as he shut his eyes and pressed his forehead onto your shoulder, you squeezed your walls around his finger in return and he let out another curse. “You might kill me if you do that when I’m inside.” And then he pulled back and looked at you, his eyes moving rapidly as they looked for yours. “If you want it, of course.” 

You pressed a soft kiss to his lips, “I’d love it.” 

You smirked and he used the hand that wasn’t occupied touching you, and slid it behind your waist, and then lower until he squeezed your ass, “You think you can take another one?” he asked as he teased your entrance with another finger, you nodded and he pulled the one inside off you out and then slowly slid the two of them in, this time making sure he was brushing your clit with his thumb the way that made you moan. Your hand on his cock faltered and he instantly took in his and wrapped it around his neck. “I can’t tell if you’re wet, Luv, you’re gonna have to tell me when you’re ready.” 

You pressed a kiss to his neck in response, and he continued with his expert movements. Now opening his fingers slightly, trying to make sure he’d be able to get in. 

“I think I’m ready,” you said while panting, your hips were bucking against his hand now, searching for more friction, but Sirius was being careful, he didn’t want to hurt you, he wanted it to be special since it was your first time with each other. 

Forget that you were inside a Nymph pool and that because of your fae descendance, there were rainbow colours all around, he wanted you to feel special. 

He slowly pulled his hand out, you bit your lip and at the lack of friction and were quick to close the gap between your bodies again, he groaned when he felt your slit brush next to his cock. You smiled and moved your hip again, enjoying the feeling of sensitive skin against it. He wasn’t even inside you and he already felt like cumming. 

You lowered your hand in between your bodies, he held you from your waist, chest against chest so it was up to you to accommodate the two. You took his cock in your hand again and moved it over your slit two times, allowing his tip to brush against your clit which only got you going even more. “Ready?” You asked.

He wasn’t sure he’d managed to come up with a word so he merely nodded. Your forehead was against his as you guided his cock inside you. He was slow and steady, not moving at all and allowing you to be the one to push into him rather than the other way around. He bottomed out and opened his eyes to stare at you. “You good?” he breathed.

“Mhm,” you said with a nod and placed a short kiss on his lips. 

“I’m gonna move,” he warned, and slowly moved out, only a little, and then he went back in again. He moved his hands from your waist to your ass to help with the movements and you placed yours around his neck. He traced your ass until he found the place where your bodies met and touched it as he thrusted into you, imagining how beautiful you looked underneath the water, perhaps as lovely as you looked above it. 

You were using him as leverage, both of your hands on his shoulders but you craved more friction. So you wrapped one of your arms around his neck, leaning in closer to him and sliding the other one down your bodies. You too were curious as to how that looked, but you’d definitely be able to see it on a different day. You started circling your hand on your clit when he noticed what you were doing. He couldn’t quite move his hands away from your ass since there was nothing you could recline on, but he hated the idea of you having to do it yourself. 

He leaned down and pressed a kiss to your cheeks, then further down and down until he reached your lips. You lifted your head to meet his halfway and he kissed you, slow and steady, much slower than the way he was thrusting into you underneath the glistening water, the coordination was absolutely exhilarating. 

“Luv,” he said softly, focusing your eyes on your face. “May I turn you around? I feel I could make you feel better that way.” 

“You feel you could?” you asked wryly, biting your lips at the thought. He wasn’t only thinking of his pleasure, that had been evident since he asked to touch you but it still sent butterflies down your stomach. The boastful and sometimes a little self-absorbed Sirius cared so much about the way he was making you feel. “Let’s try it then.” 

He pressed another kiss to your mouth and slowly got out of you, using his hands to turn you around, one under your breast and the other one guiding your hips. He cursed when your ass brushed over his cock and you repeated the hip movement under the water which only got a hiss from him. “Such a tease,” he said with a smile as he pressed a kiss to the curve of your neck, moving his hand on your hips to search for your entrance again. He too teased a couple of times, making sure to brush his tip against your clit like you had done earlier which elicited a short, quiet moan from you. 

“You can make all the noise you want,” he said with a smile, and then got in, a lot faster this time around. He wrapped his aiding hand around you and left it on your lower stomach as he moved the other one to your breast. 

He looked at you as if asking for permission before settling it there, and then he started to move again. But the hand on your lower stomach slid down and he started to touch you, in the same way he learned you liked earlier. 

“Good?” 

“Great,” you panted. Soon both of you were panting and moaning, and the sound of the water, along with the distant chirping of birds and other sounds of the wintery forest surrounding you had you both completely lost in each other. The cacophony of sounds, organic and lewd, soft and deep, moaning and grunts and pleas, all of them combining into the perfect atmosphere. You wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, even if you could.

“I think I have to… quick,” he added as he gently pushed you off of him. You quickly turned around and placed one of your hands on his shoulder as you reached down, wrapping your hand around his wrist and moving it away from his cock. You then wrapped your hand around him. 

“Like this?” you asked gently. 

“You can grip a little tighter,” he said, eyes squeezed shut, “and move your hand a little faster.”

“Okay,” you said and did as told. Stroking him with purpose, he moved one of his hands to your shoulder and cursed under his breath.

“Fuck,” he panted. And you instantly knew he was cumming. You kept moving your hand on him, milking him all the way through although you couldn’t be sure if he had or not finished completely. You lowered your pace only when he started to go soft. He pressed a small kiss to your lips, “You’re bIoody fantastic.” 

You smiled, and wafted towards him, wrapping your legs around his waist and leaning in for a kiss. He was quick to wrap his arms around your back and hold you in place. When you pulled back from the kiss he started to place soft kisses all over your face, you could tell he was tired, his movements softer, and a lot more gentle than before –not that he had at any point stopped being gentle. 

Then you leaned down a little, sliding your cheek on his until your mouth was close to his ear. “Next time I’ll be taking Minnie’s potion,” you said and pressed a kiss to his cheek before pushing yourself off him and biting your lip.

“You’re such a tease, I swear!” he scolded with a laugh and moved forward to wrap you in his arms and kiss you again. Then it was he who leaned closer to you, and whispered, “Next time I’ll take my sweet time with you, Sweets. You’ll cum more than me.” 

It wasn’t just words, it was most definitely a promise, you realised as you felt yourself getting aroused again. You searched for his lips again and you made out for a few more minutes. Sometimes soft kisses, sometimes desperate ones, enough to pull at each other’s hair –you loved pulling at his hair.

“We better get back,” you said, pulling apart from a kiss as you realised the weather was going dark again. You were not eager to walk in a snowy forest in the dark again, fearing whatever kind of memories it could trigger back. The same kind you had been trying to bury so deep inside your mind the past few days that if you allowed them out, they might break you appart. You were not eager to cry, especially not after your first time with Sirius. 

“Can’t we stay a little longer?” he asked with a pout, tightening his grip on your waist. 

You looked around, and he was quick to see the anxiety in your face, “It’s kind of getting dark.” 

If he hadn’t heard the falter in your voice, perhaps he would have teased you further. Instead, he nodded, “You’re right, they might come looking for us and then we’ll actually be in trouble” he added with a grin. 

“As if that’s ever bothered you,” you smiled and pressed a kiss to his lips before separating from him and swimming towards the edge of the small pool. You used your hands as leverage to raise yourself from the water. 

Sirius let a low whistle from behind. “Ugh, you’re such a dog!” you scoffed while trying to hold your laughter. You were sure he had done it to piss you off. 

“Just appreciating my gorgeous girlfriend,” he said casually, and you kicked some water towards his face. 

“Fuck it’s cold,” you said as you got out and covered. yourself with your arms. Sirius was out in a second, he placed his coat –technically Remus’– over your shoulders. 

“Wait! It’ll get wet,” you said as you removed it and turned around to hand it forward, Sirius was looking at you with loving eyes, and you couldn’t help but blush. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to his forehead. 

“I don’t care.” 

You rolled your eyes and shook your head. “But I do, hand me your wand, please.” 

He was quick to summon his wand in the same way he used to summon a broom and then handed it over to you, brushing his fingers with yours. You used a warming spell to dry yourself as quickly as possible and handed it back to him, he allowed his fingers to linger on yours before doing the same. You shrugged off the coat while you walked to the rock in search of your undies. 

“Looking for this?” he teased, there was mirth in his eyes as he dangled your knickers in the air with one finger. 

You were covering your chest with one of your arms and he was looking at you with that mischievous look of his. You tilted your head to the side and narrowed your eyes at him. He extended his hand your way and when you reached to grab them he pulled back again, dragging them to his face and giving them a deep and long sniff. 

You looked at him aghast and actually laughed, “You really are a dog.” 

“And you’re my pretty vixen, aren’t you?” he said with a smile and threw the knickers your way. You caught them easily and shook your head. 

“Vixen am I not?” you responded with a teasing smile and turned around. And in one of the boldest moves you had ever done, you leaned down, exposing your ass to him as you slowly, and dreadfully sensually –or as sensually as you could muster– slid your knickers back on. 

“That’s not fucking fair,” he said as he adjusted his –now tighter– boxers. 

“Suck it up,” you said simply and finally stood straight, leaning down to take your bra and putting it on quickly. 

You reached for your shirt –technically his– but he already had it in his hands and held it over your head, helping you put it, even with your back still to him. When the shirt was fully on, he dug his hand underneath it and squeezed you closer to him. Burying his face in the nape of your shoulder. “Biggest tease ever,” he mumbled into your shoulder. His shirt smelled delicious, like you and– and Remus, fucking hell Sirius, stop it, he thought.

“I’m only letting you hug me because you’re warm.” 

He teasingly pinched your side. “Lie to yourself all you want, Starshine. You love having my arms around you.” 

You hummed in response and stayed like that for a bit. “Sirius?” 

“Mhm?” 

“You still haven’t put on a shirt, have you?” He grumbled something akin to no. You laughed and squirmed away from him, leaning in quickly to grab his shirt and throwing it at his face. “You’ll catch a cold, you dumbass.” 

He caught it quickly and put it on, “would have been worth it.” 

“It wouldn’t have,” you retorted. “I wouldn’t be able to cuddle you if you were sick.” 

“I see, you want to cuddle me more then,” he teased. 

“You were the one clinging onto me earlier,” you sassed in return and pulled your pants up. “Could you pass me the jumper?” 

He grabbed Moony’s jumper and threw it your way, you were quick to pull it over your head and then walked towards the rock to put on your shoes and socks. After that, you took both coats from the rock and passed him over the one he had thrown over you while wet –that you had half dried with a spell– and you put on the one you had brought. 

Once you were ready Sirius gave you a short smile and walked towards you, reached his hand towards you and intertwined your fingers, then tilted his head as he motioned for you to follow his lead. Sirius didn’t let go of you at all on the way back, who would have thought he was a romantic?

Except, Sirius wasn’t glued to you just because he didn’t want to stop touching you, but also because he had seen how anxious you’d gotten at the prospect of walking in the snowy woods at night, and the last thing he wanted was for you to feel anything than pleased, so he made sure to never let go of you. Not while you walked through the forest, not while you walked through the open fields, and not even when you opened the door to the house. 

“James, you can’t say that in a letter,” Remus said with an exasperated sigh. Both boys were sitting in the living room, James had a quill in his hand and was furiously crossing out something on a piece of paper and Remus was looking absolutely defeated like he both couldn’t and didn’t want to deal with James anymore. 

“But why not?” James asked with a frown. 

“Lily doesn’t even like Qudditch. And you said ‘in your eyes I see the goalposts of my dreams’, that’s objectifying. Not to mention how you said she was a Quaffle that you wanted to chase earlier.” 

“But I would follow her to the ends of the earth.” 

“That’s actually much better,” you said from the door with a smile, Sirius was trying not to laugh at both James and Remus’ relieved sighs when they spotted you. “Although a bit tacky, she might like it.” 

“Thank Godric you’re here,” Remus spoke. Meanwhile, James scribbled that one line from earlier. “Where were you, anyway?” 

“In the fae pool,” Sirius responded with a small, pleased smirk.

“Oh, cool,” James said, Sirius’ tone completely flying past his head. He turned to you. “You liked it? You were there a while.” 

“Oh, she loved it,” Sirius added and you elbowed him. 

“You’ll help me, right?” James asked, oblivious to the interaction that had just gone through, too immersed in his struggle to get the letter to look perfect, Remus had made him throw most of the things he’d written thus far. 

But Remus, even though exasperated, wasn’t nearly as oblivious as James, and he was quick to catch on to your interactions. The way you elbowed Sirius, the way he was looking at you, your swollen lips and Sirius’ smug –yet flushed– demeanour. He knew that look, he hated that look. Back in the day, it had only reminded him of how out of reach Sirius was. 

Today though? He didn’t even know how the fuck to feel. The image of the two of you all over each other in the thermal pool was looping over and over again in his mind, and it was the hottest thing he’d ever imagined. Fuck, he wished he had known, he wished he had taken the cloak and seen it happen with his own eyes. But at the same time, there was a pang in his heart, as if the wolf was reminding him: they’re not yours. 

“Yeah sure,” you said, leaving the coat you had on the hanger and walking towards both boys, you kneeled down in between James and Remus. She smells like sex, Remus thought as you approached, the barely visible hickey on your neck too obvious for someone who knew you so well. He focused his gaze on Sirius, who looked really excited and sighed, standing up. 

“I’ll go get a book,” he said as he stood up. 

“I’ll come with,” Sirius said with a smile. He wanted to talk about it, he wanted to tell Remus all about it, well not all about it, but he definitely wanted to tell him how amazing you’d been. 

“No, it’s fine, it won’t take me too much–” 

“Nonsense,” Sirius said and walked behind Remus towards the staircase. 

You gave both boys a short wave and then focused on James’ letter, now understanding why Remus was so done with James. 

“Okay, what exactly do you want to say in the letter, James?”  

“That I miss her a lot, that she’s stunning and gorgeous and that I want to see her again soon, and I want to invite her over too. Well, her and everyone.” 

“Okay, and what does the quidditch pitch, the balls and all this gibberish about chasing and catching and keeping have to do with that?” 

“Ugh… well-” 

“–Exactly. You don’t need any of that,” you said simply. “Tell me, what do you like about Lily…” 

It was then that your voices faded out completely and Remus was forced to focus on Sirius’. “When she touched the water, it turned into hundreds of different colours, it was stunning!” 

“Yeah?” Remus asked, trying to distract himself with the books in James’ massive library, he was reading and rereading through the titles and Sirius continued talking about it. 

“You should have seen it, Moony. The rainbows on the silvery water, it was like nothing I’d ever seen, and I’ve seen plenty of things…” 

Remus hummed simply in response, pulling out a book, reading through the front cover, and flipping a few pages. The wolf inside was clawing at him, telling him to get angry and to snap at Sirius for taking what was his. His Vixen. His Padfoot.

 “For fucks sake,” he muttered when he realized he had picked up one of those spicy romance novels you claimed he would be the cover of if it was about pirates. 

Thankfully, Sirius was too busy talking his ear off to hear what he’d said. “I swear, it had never been like this Remus, and you know I’ve been with plenty of women before…” No matter how much he tried, it was not easy to ignore Sirius’ rambling. “It was as if I had been bewitched. If I didn’t know better, I’d say she had used fae magic on me, but she doesn’t have any.” 

“She has charm,” Remus said with a sigh, “just not the one that comes along with magic.” He placed the book back on the shelf a little too forcefully and looked for a different title. 

“It felt incredible.” 

“Sirius,” Remus warned. 

“She’s amazing, I didn’t think she would know but the way she–” 

“SIRIUS!” 

“What?” he asked with a frown. 

“You think she would like you talking about it?” 

“You’re her best friend, my best friend, it doesn’t count.” 

“It does,” Remus said, turning to him now, a different book in his hands. He had enough images filling his mind without Sirius’ explicit tales. “And you’ve never been this specific before either.” 

Sirius huffed, “As if you hadn’t gone around kissing and fucking Alice just months ago.” 

“What does she have to do with any of this?” 

Yeah, what does Alice have to do with any of this? Sirius wondered himself. 

“Well– just that. You were kissing her at the Halloween party like you were eating her face off, and– I never told you off about it.” 

Remus scoffed, “She kissed me at that party. In public, I didn’t go around talking about it, not about how great it felt or how incredible she felt, or how much better she was than anyone else I had been with before.” 

Sirius swallowed, if he didn’t know better, he’d say Moony was jealous. But more important than that, he was irked by the idea of Alice being so incredible for Remus. “Well, if I don't tell you about it, then I’ll tell Prongs, I bet he’ll want to listen.” 

Remus sighed, exasperated. “Sirius, that was your moment.” He squeezed his eyes as he let out a breath. “You and her.” Golden brown eyes locked on steel grey again, “A special moment, a wonderful moment.” He had a hard time saying “wonderful”, Sirius noticed that too. “And I’m happy for you, truly.  For the both of you, it’s obvious you deeply care about the other, I can see how freaking in love you are with one another from kilometres away but– and I cannot emphasise this enough– I don’t need images of my two best friends fucking in the fae pool in my head.” 

And he really didn’t need them, there were enough of them by now. 

“I’m– I’m sorry,” Sirius stuttered. “I didn’t– I think I get what you mean,” he hadn’t liked the images of Remus fucking Alice either. Those had pissed him off, unlike James when he was descriptive of what he had done with Lily, he didn’t mind hearing those as much. “Do you think she’ll forgive me? I’ve gone and opened my big mouth, and it’s been hours since– Godric, I’m a total asshole.” 

Remus sighed and shook his head, “I don’t think there’s much you could do that she wouldn’t forgive,” he said honestly. Not if you love him like he knew you did. “Besides, you’ve been forgiven for much worse things.” Sirius tried not to recoil in his seat at the thought of the incident with Severus. 

By the time the two got back, you had already made a decent draft for Lily’s letter with James and he was looking for a fresh piece of parchment to write it with nicer handwriting. 

“Found your book?” you asked when you spotted Moony by the stairs. He showed you a book in response. Sirius came behind him, he held a small stack of books in his hands. 

“What you got there, Puppy?” 

“Wand lore,” he said with a smile. “I thought perhaps there’s a way to fix your wand, or if you decide to actually use Nina’s–”

“Sirius!” Remus and James reprimanded at the same time. 

“It’s okay,” you said simply. “I get what you’re trying to do,” you said simply and took one of the books from his hands. Opening and sitting on the armchair, not on the sofa, but on the armchair, where no one else would be able to sit. James and Remus threw Sirius a look and he mouthed a sorry while you focused on the book. 

It was actually a really interesting book, enough to drag you away from those sad thoughts. 

“Do you want to play Monopoly?” Sirius suggested after a while. 

You yawned in response, “Maybe sleep?” 

“Sounds great, you coming?” He asked Remus.

“No,” he said simply. “I’ll take the guest room today,” he added. Everyone turned to him with a frown. “Developed a bit of a sore throat, wouldn’t want to pass it on to any of you.” 

Remus had never, in the entire time that you’d known him, developed a sore throat.

“Have you taken something?” You asked, concerned. “Is it maybe a Moony thing?” 

“It might be just my screaming from the game earlier, but I’d rather not take any risks.” 

You frowned, unconvinced. “Okay, see you tomorrow then.” He nodded. “We’ll miss you, Rem.” 

He swallowed at that. “See you tomorrow.” 

Remus did not need any more torture. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep it together if you cuddled all over him like you often did before turning. Either to tease him or just to talk. The idea of the three of you resting on the same bed, was too much for him to handle tonight. Especially with all the thoughts already roaming in his head, the moon being so close wasn’t of help at all.

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A/N: Does anybody have some water? GC just got spicy! Hope you liked this chapter, I wanted their first time to be special, and somehow I ended with the softest Sirius ever, he's such a sweetheart, my heart will explode

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Desert Rose

Chapter 50 ~ Bring me to Life

✧ Pairing : Daryl Dixon x Rose

✧ Era : Season 4

✧ Word Count : 7.5k

In this chapter ~ When all hope seemed to be lost and the sickness only getting worse, the group finally returns with the meds after a very close call. With her newfound freedom, Rose decides to take full advantage to spend it doing something exciting. Although, nothing can last forever, and just as she was finally feeling happy again, it all came crashing back down.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ROSE POV ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The sound of coughing bounced off of the walls around the three of us as we tried to help a man named Henry who was currently fighting for his life. Glenn and I panted heavily as we tried to hold him down on the ground as he continued to squirm, while Hershel was attempting to lower a tube down his throat so we could get air in his lungs.

"Henry, we need you to calm down. We're trying to help." Hershel said through the man's coughs and heavy breaths.

He kept fighting the feeling of the thick tube slowly slipping down his throat, and I honestly couldn't blame him, it probably felt awful. I wanted to gag just looking at the scene. But we needed to do this in order for him to live, clearing his lungs for him because his body could no longer fight and do it himself.

Eventually, Hershel got it down far enough and attached the airbag on the other end, squeezing it quickly so air could flow into his lungs, and the man stopped struggling almost immediately as his eyes fluttered closed. Glenn and I both sighed in relief as we pulled our hands away from his chest, continuing to cough and try to catch our own breaths after watching him struggle for so long.

"Drink some of that," Hershel nodded to the cups of tea sitting next to Glenn, "Both of you."

Glenn lazily handed one of the mugs to me as he lifted the glass up to his lips as well. Hershel just continued to squeeze the bag for Henry every few seconds as he watched us breath, drinking the tea he continued to provide.

"Some council meeting, huh?" Hershel asked, his tone sounding as if he hoped to bring light to the situation.

I huffed out a breath, "We're a few members short."

"I think we should make some new rules before they get back." the old man announced, "I hereby declare, we have spaghetti Tuesdays...every Wednesday." he joked. The two of us just looked at him blankly. "But first we have to find some spaghetti."

I couldn't help but roll my eyes as I let out a dry chuckle, "You know what, I would love to live to see spaghetti Wednesdays."

The two men both gave me a look, staring at me with disapproving eyes, "Oh, what? He can make a joke, but I can't. Hypocrites."

Hershel chuckled lightly, "You okay to take over?" he asked holding the airbag out to me and I nodded, "Every five to six seconds, squeeze. You start feeling lightheaded, grab somebody else to take over. We'll take it in shifts."

I nodded again and began to squeeze the bag like he instructed me. I was determined to keep him alive for as long as I could, hoping that the group would be back any minute now and save the man's life. We had already lost too many people in the time that they were gone, I wanted desperately to avoid another. I could feel that everyone else was holding on by a thread.

Not only that, but my worry for the ones who went out was only growing more by each hour that they hadn't returned. In the back of my mind I knew that they were okay, they were smart enough to make a trip like this. But I couldn't help but think it was too far of a trip to make in such a short amount of time. It really hit me then, and only then, that I truly might die before Daryl came back.

I was racking my brain as I continued to keep Henry alive, thinking back to the last thing I said to him before he took off. Until I remembered I just told him I loved him, and felt myself sigh in slight relief, knowing that if I were to die, at least my last words to him was something meaningful.

About an hour passed and I was starting to feel tired, my hands growing weaker by the second as they started to cramp up. Keeping someone breathing really was a lot of work, I didn't know how Hershel was holding his shit together so well. Glenn took notice and offered to take over, allowing me to take a break as I slowly waddled my way out of the cell, wanting to check on a few others in the space. But Hershel seemed to read my mind, coming up to me the second I left the room and asked if I could make his rounds with him.

We walked down the stairs silently and looked in to check on who was still alive. We passed by a few breathing people before Hershel stopped suddenly at a cell and saw a man with blood coming out of his eyes, and I peered down at his chest to see he was completely still. I closed my eyes when I saw him, and Hershel was quick to set his light down to fully walk into the room. I knew what I had to do, and I slowly took out my knife with a breath, but Hershel placed his hand on top of mine.

"No. Not here." he whispered.

He then walked back out of the room quickly while I watched the deceased man, making sure he didn't come back at the wrong time. The old man returned only a few seconds later with a stretcher so we could roll him out and put him down without anyone else having to see.

"Help me get him on this." he whispered.

I sighed as my mind began to wander, "But what about in a couple of hours, when Henry's dead,-"

"Rose." he whispered sternly.

"How are we going to get his body down the stairs and across the cellblock without anyone noticing?" I asked, "It's hard enough to do that when they're on the ground level."

"If that happens- if- you're going to help me." he responded.

I took in a breath as I looked at him seriously, "And what if I'm gone?" I asked quietly.

"Shut up," he whispered harshly, not even wanting to think about my words, "Help me get him on this."

Letting out a heavy breath, I moved to grab his legs to help pick the man up, setting him down on the stretcher gently without making too much noise. We then slowly tried to make our way out of the cellblock without too many people noticing, not wanting them to be aware of the amount of people we were taking out. Though right as we were about to make it up to the door, a child's voice suddenly cut through the quiet cellblock.

"What are you doing?" Lizzy asked.

The two of us whipped around to see the younger girl standing there with a tilted head as she eyed the covered body. I hesitated for a moment, but Hershel was quick to think of something that wouldn't scare her, walking over to bend down to her level.

"We're taking Mr. Jacobson to a quieter place," he said simply before raising his hand to feel her forehead, "Why don't you go get my copy of Tom Sawyer from my room. I want you to read it by tonight."

She coughed into her hand harshly before looking back up to him with a shaking head, "I won't finish it."

"Why?" he asked.

"It's going to get too dark." she replied.

Hershel only nodded in understanding, "Well, give it your best try." he said calmly, hoping to distract her.

I watched as she slowly nodded and walked away, but not without looking back at us a few different times, before completely disappearing back into the darkness of her cell. To be honest that kid always creeped me out.

Though once she had gone back to her room, we quickly ushered the body out of the cellblock and took him down the hall a bit so we could keep this as quiet as possible. The stretcher came to a stop as we glanced around for a moment, pulling out my knife again as I stood up near the man's head, glancing back up towards Hershel with heavy eyes.

"You haven't had to do this yet have you?" I asked him.

He quickly shook his head, "There was one late last night, Glenn did it. People don't need to see it; I don't want them to."

It seemed as though as soon as he finished his sentence, the man beneath the sheet began to groan and try to sit up as he came back to life. I brought my hand down on his chest to keep him still before plunging my knife into the side of his head, ripping it out harshly as his blood began to seep through the white cloth. I mindlessly placed my knife back on my his securely as I looked down at his dead body, hearing Hershel recite a few words from the bible like some kind of funeral.

But my vison slowly began to blur, feeling myself begin to break out into a cold sweat as I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. I blinked repeatedly to try and stay awake, steadying myself with my hands on the stretcher, but the darkness was slowly consuming me, and I knew I couldn't last another second as I fell to the floor.

The last thing I managed to hear, was Hershel's panicked voice calling my name before it all went quiet.

My face scrunched up a little as I could see the dim light behind my eyelids, feeling a soft touch running across my head. I grew confused the longer my eyes remained closed, finally peeling them open again as my vison was still just as blurry as before, trying to allow them to adjust as I woke. Eventually my gaze focused on Glenn who hovered above me, his head facing down and his hand resting against my head, gently stroking my forehead with his thumb.

But once he lifted his head to look at me again, seeing me returning to consciousness, he sighed in obvious relief. "Oh, thank God," he muttered as he placed a kiss on my forehead, "Jesus...you've been out for hours." 

My mouth parted in slight shock as I glanced past his head and noticed it was now dark outside. The day completely vanishing it seemed like. I shook my head and tried to think of the last thing I remembered before passing out, "What happened?"

"After you left to put that guy down, you just passed out cold. Hershel had to bring you back in here and lay you down, he said it was probably from exhaustion, dehydration..." he rambled on before sighing again, "God...I thought I was going to lose you." he finished sadly.

"I'm okay." I whispered in reassurance, resting my hand on top of his own as I slowly came back to reality.

He nodded, "Okay, good... just sit tight for a second, I'll be right back. I've gotta check on Henry quick, he's just in the next room."

"Okay," I agreed as he gave me a small smile, shakily standing back up to head outside, leaving me alone with my thoughts as I stared back up at the ceiling.

I laid there perfectly still as the minutes passed, trying to gather my thoughts as I leaned over, reaching for the cup of water conveniently placed right by my side. I knew I needed to get up, find Hershel to let him know I was okay, wanting to know if there were any signs from Daryl. But I paused suddenly when it hit me then that Glenn had yet to return, causing me to realize the area had grown oddly silent. A chill ran up my spine as it didn't sit right with me, slowly sitting up on my cot to try and listen for any noise, even so much as someone walking. Anything.

Lizzy's familiar voice then suddenly called out for Hershel in a slight panic, and that alone made my ears perk up. I slowly got out of bed while wincing at my sore muscles before someone else then started to scream. I tried to push myself to move faster out of the room, looking over the balcony to see that there were walkers everywhere, some killing the people who were still alive, while others fought with everything they had to try and defend themselves.

I had watched this familiar scene before, the sight taking me back to when the illness first started. A pit formed in my stomach as I knew we couldn't let it happen again. 

My eyes widened as I turned to rush and find Glenn, but when I made it towards the next room, Henry was nowhere to be found, and Glenn was laying flat on the floor. I instantly dropped to my knees in a panic, turning his head to see he was choking and could no longer breathe, his eyes rolling to the back of his head as he struggled.

My stomach dropped, "Hershel!" I called out as I laid him down on his back, beginning to press firmly on his chest to keep his heart beating, performing CPR.

My hands pumped up and down on his chest at a steady pace as I counted to thirty in my head, pinching his nose and tilting his head back so I could breathe into his mouth, before counting all over again. I felt tears forming in my eyes when I saw he still wasn't responding, only growing worse as he fought for his life.

"Come on, Glenn please!" I cried, "Hershel!" I called again over my shoulder, desperate for the old man's help as my vision began to blur.

I repeated the actions over and over again, I wasn't going to stop until he had a heartbeat. My back was still facing the doorway as I hovered over him, barely even hearing the sound of a walker slowly making its way closer before I finally turned around it face it. It was just about to grab my leg until I reached for my knife and stabbed its head harshly, not even bothering to pull it back out as I faced Glenn again.

My arms began to shake as I cried, pushing down harsher and harsher as I refused to believe that this was it for him. I couldn't let him die, not when he was so sure that the two of us would make it out of this together. There was no way in hell I was going to give up on him.

Just as I was about to lean down and breathe into his mouth again, he was dramatically gasping for air, leaning over to spit out a bunch of blood that were once filling his lungs. I sighed in relief as my cheeks were wet with tears, patting his back to try and help him get it all out and clear his lungs.

Hershel then frantically turned the corner with wide eyes once he saw the state we were in, "He stopped breathing." I informed him, trying to catch my breath.

"You saved his life." he replied, "Hold on, we're going to need that airbag." he said before turning back around to find it.

"Wait!" I called out, seeing him stop in his tracks, "I'll go find it. Just keep him breathing, I don't think I can do it anymore." I said as I continued to try and catch my breath.

The man nodded frantically, quickly switched places with me as I walked out of the cell to try and find the airbag we had made. I racked my brain for where it could be, thinking back to the last person who had it. Before I stopped dead in my tracks once my eyes landed on a certain figure that I recognized quite well.

Henry had turned and was now trapped over the balcony, his body lying on the netting that kept him from falling down towards the bottom level of the cellblock...the airbag still attached to his bloody face.

"Son of a bitch." I cursed quietly, before slowly pushing myself to move forward.

I kicked each of my legs over the railing clumsily, falling to my knees in an instant on the flimsy net that was now struggling to support both of our bodies. He noticed me quickly as I gasped for air, taking it to his advantage as he crawled over toward me in an instant, not giving me a chance to balance. He hovered on top of me as his teeth chomped right near my face, my arms struggling to keep the dead weight off of me as my jaw clenched. I could feel my muscles shake wildly as I turned my head away from his face, gritting my teeth as he attempted to sink his teeth into my flesh.

I tried to maneuver his weight slowly, reaching for the airbag from where it was latched onto his face, keeping his teeth away from me as best as I could. I cried out suddenly, not being strong enough to handle it on my own as I was only one step closer to death, before a sudden voice called my name from below me.

My gaze snapped down to see Maggie with wide eyes, aiming her gun towards the walker's head as she saw it was about to kill me, but my screams of protest stopped her. "No! You might hit the bag we need it for Glenn!" I yelled as I continued to struggle with the walker.

I groaned as I continued to fight with the dead, my arms nearly giving out as I tried to reach for the bag one last time. But the weight suddenly subsided in a split second as it collapsed on top of me dead, looking back down to see Maggie lowering her gun.

I nodded quickly in appreciation as I shoved the thing off of me, tugging the airbag from its mouth before trying to stand up on the wobbly net. My heart was racing in my chest and my limbs had never felt weaker as I fought with everything I had to try and make it back up to him, steadying myself on the railing.

"He's turning blue!" Hershel's urgent voice called out, only pushing me to move faster as I lifted myself back onto the second level in a not so graceful manner.

The moment I reentered the room, I handed the airbag to Hershel and couldn't pull my eyes away from his face as he continued to struggle. He was wheezing and gasping for air as blood continued to pour out of his mouth and my breath caught in my throat. I felt tears slip down my face effortlessly once again as Maggie held him down so Hershel could place the tube down his throat to get him breathing again.

My eyes never moved away from him the entire time, standing there like a goddamn statue, not allowing myself to relax until I knew he would be okay.

Once he successfully got it down his throat, he started to squeeze the bag, and Glenn finally stopped struggling as the room went quiet once again. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and plopped down onto the floor in exhaustion, my hands shaking from adrenaline. I wiped the sweat off of my forehead staring down at him as his chest rose and fell with steady breaths. I could barely process the fact that I almost lost him so easily, I didn't want to think about it too much. He was almost ripped away from all of us, and it scared me so badly.

Maggie then noticed me struggling to catch my breath and placed a hand on my leg as she glanced back at me, "Ro? You okay?" she asked.

I tried to form some kind of reply but nothing came out as I started to cough again, blood beginning to pour out of my mouth. I heard Hershel instruct Maggie to keep squeezing the bag for Glenn as he quickly moved over to me, switching places as they both frantically moved. He gently pushed me over to the side so I could get all of the blood out of my mouth, but it just kept coming, a never ending cycle that I couldn't escape from nor prevent. My eyes started to get heavy again and he visibly noticed as he patted my back harder.

"Come on Rose, stay with us." he pleaded as he slowly lifted me up and onto the nearby mattress I was in front of.

I was trying, but I couldn't stop coughing as I struggled to stay awake. I kept trying to tell myself that Glenn needed the airbag, he needed it to stay alive and I needed to pull through for him. But I felt so tired and Hershel's steady voice started to fade again into almost nothing as it was replaced with a slight ringing. I felt myself slowly slipping away again like I did once before, knowing in the back of my mind that this could be it.

Until I suddenly heard the cellblock door slam open and a familiar voice calling my name.

The life was instantly brought back into me as my ears perked up hearing the sound of his sweet voice, however I didn't open my eyes. Though I knew that I was conscious, my eyelids felt as if they weighed a thousand pounds, the feeling being almost painful for me to open my eyes again.

"Up here!" Hershel yelled back, hearing heavy footsteps echo around the place before they were suddenly right in front of the entrance, a small gasp leaving his lips.

"What happened? She pass out?" he asked frantically.

I mustered all the strength I had left in that moment, opening my eyes slightly to see Daryl standing right above me with a bag hanging lazily from his grasp. He noticed almost immediately that my eyes squinted open, not wasting another second before he was kneeling at my side.

"Rosie? Baby?" he whispered softly, the pet name just slipping right out to prove how scared he was, raising his hand to run his thumb over my cheek.

I cleared my throat roughly before nodding my head, "I'm here." I breathed heavily.

There were sighs of relief all over the room upon hearing the sound of my strained and tired voice. I then felt Daryl lean down to place a kiss on the top of my head, "Thank God yer okay." he whispered against my hair, "Yer okay." he repeated.

I smiled weakly at him and saw Bob lingering in the doorway, hesitantly making his way inside to hand out the medicine we needed.

"We need to get her an IV to get the meds in her." Hershel said, beginning to stand.

I sat up quickly upon hearing that, "No." I protested before a cough cut off my words, "Glenn," I breathed, "Help Glenn first."

All eyes were on me in question, but everyone seemed to understand as I laid back down, resting my eyes again. Relief filled my entire being now knowing that Glenn, Sasha, and anyone else who was left was going to be okay. I was going to be okay. A weight was lifted from me, knowing now I could finally relax as everything was falling into place.

Opening my eyes again to look at Daryl, his gaze had never left me, "You're back." I said weakly.

He smiled, "Yeah m' back, angel. And yer gonna be okay." he said quietly, pushing some of my hair back and out of my face.

"You know I'm too stubborn to die."

He chuckled lightly, "Damn straight."

It had been about a week before Hershel would even let me step outside. He wanted me to recover fully before being around everybody else, and I haven't had any human contact other than him in a whole seven days. I had briefly seen Maggie and Glenn since they were in the same cellblock that I was in with Glenn still recovering, but that was it.

After Daryl and the others came back with the meds, he wouldn't let us see each other for the soul purpose so no one else would get sick. So now I was anxiously waiting for his approval, so I could see everyone again after what felt like an eternity. He held the stethoscope up to my chest, telling me to take deep breaths as he listened to the sound of my lungs. But once he was done checking nearly everything under the sun, he didn't utter a word, silently knowing I was dying for him to say something.

I rolled my eyes at his silence, "Oh, spit it out please!" I exclaimed.

He chuckled before slowly nodding his head, "Well it looks like you're in luck...you're free to go, dear."

I squealed in excitement before quickly wrapping my arms around him in a hug, feeling him laugh again before squeezing me back tightly. I wanted him to know how much I appreciated him always, how I noticed how hard he was working to save not only my life, but everyone else's. And how I knew he would still look after me even though I was completely in the clear.

When we pulled away from one another, he kept his hands on my shoulders to make sure I wouldn't rush right out, "But take it easy, you hear me? Doctor's orders." he said.

"Oh please, I've been taking it easy for a whole week. I think I'll be okay." I assured.

He nodded, giving my shoulders a soft squeeze, "I love you...I just want you safe and healthy. I'm allowed to worry."

My eyes softened as he voiced his concerns and his adoration, leaning back in to hug him once more as if I couldn't help it, "I love you too..." I whispered, "Thank you for just...everything."

"It's my pleasure, dear." he said as he held me tight, before pulling away again to keep his hands securely on my arms as if he was scared to let me go. It warmed my heart at the thought, knowing that he's always cared for me like a daughter, and I couldn't have cherished it more.

"Why're you acting like we're never going to see each other again?" I laughed, "I'm just going outside for a bit."

He nodded, "I know. But be careful, alright. Don't push yourself too hard."

I rolled my eyes slightly, "Yeah, yeah." I muttered while giving his hand a squeeze and standing to my feet, "See you later, old man." I said over my shoulder, hearing him chuckle to himself as I made my way out of cellblock A.

As soon as I stepped outside the prison walls, I instantly felt relieved as I breathed in the fresh air. I always loved being in the sun because of how much happiness it brought me. Being inside for that long didn't exactly do me any good, feeling like an actual prisoner most of the time as I could hardly even stand up on my own without Hershel scurrying to make sure I wouldn't fall on my ass.

"Rose!" 

I turned around when I heard the brief call of my name, seeing Carl and Beth rushing over toward me quickly with excited smiles. My face broke out into a grin of my own when I caught a glimpse of them, opening my arms for them as they both collided into me to give me a giant hug. I hung onto them tightly, slowly realizing how much I had missed them the longer I held them again in my arms.

"Oh, I missed my babies." I muttered as I squeezed them tighter, hearing them both laugh happily.

"We missed you too." Carl said seriously, beginning to pull away.

"I was so worried about you." Beth said as she looked at me now, clear sadness filling her voice as her features contorted in concern.

I shook my head quickly, "Hey, I'm okay. You don't have to worry about me." I said while placing a hand on each of their cheeks.

Whether they realized it or not, they both leaned into my touch the second I reached up, my heart warming at the sight. I knew how concerned they were, but I would rather go through that a million times over than have them be the one to catch the illness. I would have been a nervous wreck, so I was silently grateful that they were perfectly healthy, and not the other way around.

"So, what are you guys doing?" I asked as I pulled away.

Carl shrugged, "Just taking a walk, do you want to come?"

I went to answer, but then my eyes briefly landed on where Daryl and Rick were standing, leaning against a few of the cars as they spoke. "How about I take a raincheck?"

The two of them turned to where I had been staring before giving each other a certain look, Beth starting to make kissy faces at me which caused me to roll my eyes while Carl snickered to himself. "Oh, shut up." I muttered as I pushed her shoulder. "Bye you two!" I called over my shoulder.

"Bye!" they yelled back as they made their way to the field side by side.

I had a bit of pep in my step as I made my way over toward the vehicles, a part of me a bit surprised that they were talking in the first place considering how they left things. But right on cue, as if they could hear my thoughts, they both turned at the same time when they heard me walking up to them, and Daryl wasted no time jogging over the rest of the way.

He quickly picked me up into a hug, leaving me squealing in surprise as I squeezed him tightly around his shoulders. I felt him sway me back and forth a little as my feet still couldn't quite touch the ground, before lowering me back down with his arms still secured around my waist. I had missed him like crazy, wanting to spend every single second with him until the sun went down to make up for the lost time.

"I missed ya so much." he finally said, pulling back slightly to look me in the eye.

"I missed you more." I whispered.

Rick clearing his throat from behind us is what made our heads turn to look over at him at the same time, "You have an audience." he reminded awkwardly.

I huffed out a small laugh before pulling away from Daryl, making my way over towards him to wrap him in a hug as well. He rested his arms across my shoulders as he squeezed me once, "Hey, Rosie." he whispered.

"Hey," I smiled, "Um...since when did you and Daryl make up?" I whispered in his ear.

I heard him chuckle a little, "Well it took a lot of talking, and me telling him I apologized to you and all that. But we're okay."

"Good." I muttered while finally pulling away from him.

"So, how do you feel?" he asked.

"Refreshed," I said simply, "I can't wait to actually do something." I rubbed my hands together excitedly.

Daryl came closer to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, "Well, why don't we get outta here and do somethin. Anythin you wanna do." he suggested.

I raised my eyebrows, "Anything?"

He nodded his head, "Mhm."

I thought about it for a few seconds before a slow smirk was brought onto my face, and I could tell that it made both men a bit nervous. "I don't like that glint in her eye." Rick said.

I smiled as I turned towards Daryl, "I know what I want to do." I spoke confidently.

"Shoot." he said.

"Teach me to drive your motorcycle." I stated without any hesitation.

He stared at me in slight disbelief for a moment, trying to decipher if I was being serious or not before shaking his head, "Nah, no way."

My mouth fell open slightly, "Oh come on! You said anything; that's what I want to do."

"That's really what ya want?" he asked hesitantly, watching as I surely nodded my head.

I had no idea why, but lately I had been itching to get out and ride on Daryl's motorcycle again. However, I wanted to be the one to drive. Though it made me a bit nervous, I couldn't deny that I was excited too, figuring now was a perfect time to learn. I was practically imprisoned for a week straight and I needed to do something.

He sighed and thought about it for a few moments before eventually giving in, "Alright."

I smiled brightly, kissing his cheek as a thank you before moving over towards his bike that was just a few feet away. In all honesty I didn't really know what compelled me to want to learn, but it sounded almost freeing. Although I thought it was funny that I wanted nothing to do with motorcycles in the beginning, and now I wanted to learn how to drive one. My guess could only be it was Daryl's constant bad influence on me. 

Being cooped up in a cell for a week made me realize how much I take for granted. I missed being outside in the sun, I missed having the wind whip me in the face, and I especially missed my family the most. I knew I hadn't taken the time to see all of them yet, but I knew I would eventually when the sun went down, all of us usually gathering around for dinner. My mind wandered to Sasha and Glenn, knowing that he was still recovering as he had a bit more trouble bouncing back. But Maggie was practically glued to his side so I knew he was just fine.

I was snapped out of my thoughts when I felt Daryl begin to slow the bike down to a stop in the fairly open road, shutting it off briefly before turning back to look at me over his shoulder, "Alright, this ain't a toy. Ya gotta take this seriously."

I blinked, "Okay, dad."

He narrowed his eyes at me, "M' serious." 

"So am I." I smiled.

He huffed at my sarcastic state, before getting off the bike as I slid myself down to the driver's seat. He then hopped on the back as I glanced down at the handles, trying to get the feel of things before he started to instruct me. I grabbed the two of them hesitantly, knowing already which was the brake versus the clutch from what I've seen Daryl do in the past.

He placed his hands on top of mine and gave me a quick kiss on the side of my head before I felt him pause. I then glanced up in the rearview mirrors, seeing him looking at the back of my head in slight confusion.

"What?" I asked with a tilted head.

He pointed to the small purple clip I had my hair pinned back with, "Where did ya get this?"

I subconsciously touched the back of my hair, "Oh, Maggie gave it to me a few weeks ago. I thought I would pin my hair back today; you like it?" I asked.

He nodded his head, "Mhm, it's pretty." he approved, watching me smile as I turned my attention back towards the bike, hearing his voice become a little more nervous, "Mkay, start it up." he said hesitantly.

I paused momentarily as I tried to remember how, but quickly picked up on it as it roared to life, nodding to myself as I heard Daryl mutter good under his breath. "Alright, ya remember which one is the clutch?" he asked over the sound of the bike. I nodded my head and motioned towards it, "Good," he said again, "So, when ya wanna go, ya let go of the brake slowly and lift the clutch a little."

"Okay," I said to show that I understood, though he could quickly tell by the slight shake in my voice that I was nervous.

He kissed my head again, "It's okay, just trust yerself...and don't kill me."

"Yeah, that's helping." I spoke sarcastically.

He chuckled, "I'm kiddin, you'll do great. Just let go of the brake, lift the clutch a little." he repeated.

I took a breath and nodded before doing exactly what he told me to do. He removed his hands from mine and placed them around my waist to hold on while I slowly let go of the breaks to ease myself into it. The bike began moving pretty slowly, but it was moving. I smiled and got a little more confidence and sped up just the tiniest bit to try and slowly get more comfortable.

But whilst I was speeding up, I accidentally hit the clutch a little too hard and it sped up a lot faster than I wanted it to, and I could feel Daryl fly off of the back at the impact. I gasped in surprise and tried to get control of the bike to check and see if he was okay, but I couldn't turn around to look back without it turning the whole bike right along with me.

Though the seconds of panic didn't linger for very long as I could hear him laughing loudly from behind me, his heavy footsteps following shortly after to try and catch up with me. He hopped back on the second he was close enough while the bike was still going, placing his hands over mine again to get me to hit the brakes slowly to bring it to a stop. We were both laughing wildly as it finally came to a halt, causing me to turn around to glance at him with apologetic eyes.

"I'm so sorry." I breathed as I let out another laugh, covering my face in slight embarrassment.

He chuckled as he gently moved my hands to kiss my forehead, "Don't be sorry darlin, it was yer first time. Ya just gotta practice some more."

"Okay." I sighed, turning back around to try again.

It took some time, but eventually I was driving the bike at a normal speed and didn't kick Daryl off of it in the process. In just those few hours, I had laughed harder than I had in what felt like forever, and it felt good. He really brought out the best in me in ways that I wasn't able to describe.

I couldn't help but notice the way he was looking at me as I drove by on the bike by myself as he watched me from on the grass, with his arms folded over his chest and a proud smile on his lips. But I also didn't miss the lovesick look on his face every time I passed him, but I liked it, and I was pretty positive I looked at him the same damn way. I was glad we got to spend a few hours just enjoying each other's company, while we laughed at the few times I made an ass of myself in the process of learning how to operate the thing that he knew best.

Eventually we headed back to the prison and to my surprise, he let me drive back on my own. To him I was going painfully slow, but I wanted to be careful, cautious as if I would somehow knock him off all over again. 

Once we made it through the gates and up towards the prison, I hopped off first and saw that Daryl was about to follow my actions, but I stopped him. "Ah, wait." I said before holding my hand out for him to take.

He looked confused at first, but then seemed to realize what I was doing and rolled his eyes, taking my hand nonetheless. "I do that for a reason, so ya don't fall on yer ass." he said.

I smirked, "I thought I would be the gentleman for once. Plus I was the one driving, it's only fair."

He rolled his eyes again at my words, placing a kiss on the top of my head before we both turned to see Rick jogging over toward us with a small smile upon seeing our return.

"Hey, how was it?" he asked.

"Good. I didn't crash it." I responded while gesturing to the bike next to us dramatically.

He chuckled, "Good." he spoke with a nod, only turning more serious a second later, "I'm uh...I'm glad you came back when you did, I was actually going to ask your help for something."

Daryl narrowed his eyes a bit in concern, "What's wrong?" 

"I was on my way to tell Tyreese about Carol, but uh... I wanted to have some kind of backup. I don't think he'll freak out again, but just to be safe."

I could feel Daryl tense from next to me, "So, yer willin to put my girl at risk of gettin her ass beat, again? Nah, no way."

I turned to look him in the eye, "Hey, it's fine, I'll do it. Nothing's going to happen. Plus, Rick came by and apologized for everything, we're good." I reminded him.

"Yeah, he told me, but that don't mean I want ya in there." he said.

I shook my head at him, "I'll be fine."

He thought about it for a second, and then probably came to the realization that he couldn't stop me, nodding his head reluctantly in agreement. We then followed Rick, making our way through the prison to try and find Tyreese to break the news to him about who actually killed Karen and David. I didn't know how he would take it, but I hoped that since she was gone, he would be a little more relieved.

My mind went back to Daryl and how he was taking the loss of Carol. I knew that they were closer friends, and I could only imagine how hard it was to hear that she was gone. But he never seemed to mention it, to an outsider he didn't seem to be affected by it at all. Though I knew him better than that.

I gently nudged his side as we followed behind Rick, "How are you doing...about Carol?" I asked hesitantly, keeping my voice down.

He only shrugged, "Sucks...but I'll be alright." he said as he nudged my shoulder in return.

I nodded in understanding as I could see he didn't want to talk about it much. I knew he was hurt about what Rick did, I could see it in his eyes, but at the same time I knew he understood too. Otherwise he would be on his bike as we speak looking for her to come back.

The three of us made our way down to the tunnels now, Rick calling out into the space, "Tyreese! You down here?"

There was a moment of silence before he heard him call back, "Rick? That you?"

We all then followed the sound of his voice, seemingly at the same time he started to come out of the darkness. He was taken aback a little when his eyes landed on me, probably shocked that I was out of cellblock A as I hadn't seen him since he had taken me.

He smiled warmly, "Hey Rose...you feeling better?" he asked.

"Yeah, Hershel finally let me go." I smiled.

He nodded, "Good," he said before looking back to the two men beside me, "Look you guys gotta see this." he said, pointing behind him.

"Can we take a beat? There's something we need to talk about." Rick said.

"It can wait, come on." he said urgently while heading back the way he came.

We all looked at each other cautiously before following the man back into the room where he came from. It was dark and the men had to raise their flashlights for us to see what he wanted to show us, but once my eyes landed on it, I couldn't help but let my mouth fall open a little. There was a dead rat up against the wall, with its insides spilling out of it.

I heard Daryl mutter, "The hell?" as he stepped closer to get a better look, shining his light over the bloody surface.

"I was just looking around, I needed...answers. Then I found this," Tyreese explained while pointing to the dead rat, "Same person who killed Karen and David did this. Remember the rats at the fence? They show up the same day she was killed, we got a psychopath living with us. We gotta find him Rick, and I'm not going to sleep until we do."

I almost wanted to laugh a little at Tyreese's detective skills, but I didn't. The rats had absolutely nothing to do with Karen and David and at this point I think he was just trying to find something, anything to lead him to who was responsible for killing them. None of us knew who was doing this with the rats, it was all too weird.

"Tyreese," Rick started calmly, "Whoever did this, I don't think that's who killed Karen."

Tyreese looked at him confused, "Why?" was all he could ask.

But before anyone could say another word, a large booming sound rang out from right outside the prison walls and the concrete around us crumbled a little at the impact. I jumped in surprise at the sudden explosive sound, growing confused and uneasy as my heart started to beat out of my chest. My eyes panned up to see Daryl who was already looking at me with the same panicked expression and I knew we both seemed to have the same sinking feeling.

"No..." I muttered.

~ Thanks for reading!

Taglist - @justareader95 @hayley1998 @ryoujoking @sipsthecoffee @winterassassin1804 @marsmallow433 @catlalice @writingstreetspirit

[literaticat]

I’m really really sorry to ask a WC question and I told myself I wouldn’t send this, but… I’m losing sleep over word count woes. I sometimes dream about word count. I’ve read your dracula post, where you write that anything up to 90k in an Upper MG fantasy might be okay. Is this STILL accurate in 2025, particualrly given the slumping MG market/new trend toward shorter titles?

Do you think an 88k Upper MG fantasy will be an instant reject for many agents? My story is tightly paced (I’ve spent months mercilessly line editing/killing my darlings/deleting what scenes I can w/o breaking the story… it was originally 120k). I think the tight pacing will be clear if the agent makes it to the pages/even just the first scene. The query/first 50 pages has been reviewed by an ex-agent turned freelance editor on Reedsy who said the pacing was solid and that the story moves right along (judging by the first 50). But she also said MG should top out at no more than 50k words. There’s just such a huge range/so many mixed opinions. So I’m worried most agents will read “88k” and auto-reject before reading the blurb/pages. Should I put my ‘housekeeping’ paragraph beneath the blurb for this reason? But it won’t make a difference for QM.

Is it ever acceptable to just leave the word count out of the query? But I feel like that might be a worse red flag if it makes them assume its like a 250k doorstopper. But again, if the agent uses QM, it wouldn’t be possible. 

Is it ever aceptable to ‘round’ to say 85k from 88k? How much rounding is acceptable? I’m assuming an agent probably expects some flunctuation if a writer continues revising a manusript after querying. But I also don’t want to straight up lie. I just want them to look at the first page.

I could get the story down to 79-80k by removing a significant sub-plot and I have a version where I did that. But I truly feel it hurts the story, so I don’t necessarily want to send that version. But if it actually would make a difference and increase the already small chance of getting ANY version of my story out into the world, maybe it’s worth it. Would those 8-9k words make a huge difference to the eye of an agent?

(Feel free to toss this if you just can’t with another WC question. I get it. But I felt compelled to type this out. It was oddly therapeutic. Maybe the dreams will stop.)

I was going to roast you mercilessly for asking about word count in the LONGEST QUESTION OF ALL TIME, but then I realized that would be hypocritical since half my answers are the longest answers of all time. Looks like we BOTH have a problem with keeping it concise. ;-)

I hope typing all this got it out of your system.

I do get why authors worry about this. The Word Count guideline is one of the only things that seems firmly within the author's control -- you can't really help it if an agent likes your book, but at least you CAN make sure you've followed every instruction to the letter!

The problem is, I'm afraid there is wayyyyy too much emphasis put on this poor little guideline in author circles. There is ZERO reason you should be stressed out or losing sleep here. Over 3k words? 8k? Come ON. Do you really think an agent really cares about 3k-8k words more or less in a novel-length work? If I'm loving the book and zipping through it, I wouldn't NOTICE 3k or 8k words.

Please snap out of it and listen to me.

I'm going to be super blunt:

NOBODY GIVES A SHIT WHAT YOUR WORD COUNT IS IF YOUR BOOK IS GREAT.

AND IF YOUR BOOK ISN'T GREAT -- IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR WORD COUNT IS.

We don't ask for word count because we care about word count. For the most part, neither editors nor agents really care about word count! Surprise! (The exception being certain publishing imprints that have extremely specific guidelines, such as leveled early readers or certain kinds of educational books or certain kinds of category romance, which you would know if you were writing a book like that, if you don't know, that means you aren't!)

We don't ask about word count because we are looking for a reason to auto-reject. It's not a test. Really!

We just want to make sure your thing is *the length of a book* -- it would be a red flag if your word count was so high or so low that it wasn't within shouting distance of the "normal" range, because that tells the agent that you really don't have a firm grasp on what category you are writing or the realities/norms of publishing.

But the "normal range" is very large. And you are firmly within it. So relax.

As to the other part: FWIW, I don't mention word count in my pitch or put it on the front page of the ms when I am sending to editors. It's actually fine by ME if you don't do either of those things, either, as I can see your word count in the QM form. But other agents might feel strongly about wanting it in the query itself , so... whatever. Just round it and put an "approximately" sign if you are worried about it. After all - it's not going to be the same length when it is published, right? IF anyone asks, which they almost certainly will not (because they don't care), you can just say, hey, always revising, exact word count fluctuates, but it's around this. Which it is.

[edennill-archived]

I got a lot of comments that time I made a poll about potential Silmarillion adaptations, to the effect that there already are two musicals of the Lay of Leithian, and this, among other things, has prompted me to write down my thoughts on the Rock Operas. I know there's more of them, but I will confess I've only had much contact with the two most famous ones; also fair warning that I'm mostly going to point out faults in this post (not that there aren't things I like in them, but that's not the focus here).

To start with, I'm going to quickly get out of the way the fact that even if none of the following were issues, the Rock Operas would still not cure my hankering for a Beren & Lúthien musical, because out of necessity, they don't have the same vibe as a greater-scale Broadway production and thus aren't really comparable. Now, moving on to my bigger issues with the two productions:

(1) It is difficult for me to get engaged in an entire musical in a language I do not speak — and I admit I'm probably in a better position than many because as a polish speake, with the translation underneath I can understand maybe one word in ten? And when I do — say, when Mandos sings "o synie Barahira" in Leithian — that moment is powerful because it's exactly the same as it would be said in my mother tongue, but otherwise it's reading prose poetry (translated by people without much experience with one of the languages, which shows, though I greatly thank them for their work) with music in the background for me. As a disclaimer, I'll add that this is not a technical complaint, but it certainly impacts my own listening experience.

Edit: This post has been waiting in my drafts for a while, and in the meanwhile, I've realised I can get to one in three (I counted) through repeatedly giving a song an intent listening. I'm even thinking of maybe making a semi-translation into Polish of some, one where I try to keep to cognates when possible even if they're not entirely correct. But I do not see how more people who speak no Slavic language do not find it a problem.

Of course this can sometimes backfire in a way that makes a phrase sound ridiculous.

(2) I also don't agree with all the narrative choices — for one, I am dissatisfied with how the romance is handled in wither Opera, as both make it out that Lúthien falls in love against her will which leaves a bad taste in my mouth — and Finrod Song makes Beren behave like a jerk towards Finrod at times, among other things — neither of which I understand. Then there's the visual side, which I mention since the choreography of most songs bugs me in Leithian. And to top it all off —

(3) We can argue about what historical Russian culture is worth to us right now another time. But these are ongoing productions, and unfortunately I dare say at least 50% the participants are probably in favour of the current war — which, you may understand, makes the situation quite awkward for me as an Eastern European. (I suppose if I found the rest of it absolutely perfect, I might elect to try my best to ignore the fact, but as is I find it bothersome. Which, I suppose, makes me a hypocrite given my thoughts about cancel culture, but never mind.)

[bojackhorsemanobviously]

I've seen those arguments in video essays/ reddit posts as well.. It was never about whether it was Legal it was about why is this 50 year old even if he feels like hes 21 hes not. . why is this man who wanted Charlotte and inserted himself as a Cool Uncle/dad Figure suddenly interested in having sex with a girl he originally tried to be a cool uncle/cool dad too.. Its Sketchy and Creepy/ and predatory. and just him living out his deluded family drug dream through a family who isn't even His.. As for Diane.. She can be brutal. I dont know about Hypocrtial. I keep seeing that Word for her and I dont think its Fits . She's Brutal and passionate with her Words.. She has.. Scorpio Energy to me which i can say im a scorpio..

to me one of her worse wasn't Intu sub but after fighting with bojack when her goal was to support she really crosse a line, say, "You're gonna win that oscar give that little speech and then you're gonna go home and you'll be so miserable you'll want to kill yourself. and you'll have no one left to stop you." Cause its just girl WTF?? why would you say that? sure he said harsh stuff but that is crossing a line

but she has Zero to do with Bojack being deluded and living his horsin around life around the Carsons and scarring them. that was his own doing he had Wanda and just gave up on them.

. At best i'd say Diane was def a bad influence on him by staying at his house and encourging he stay at home with her o watch his show instead of work but she also had PTSD seeing the death of a Kid she befriended.. which people Forget.. they forget diane didnt feel comfortable going home to PB because he didnt support her with Hanky and encourged her to Leave. If people can give sympathy towards bojacks trauma there's no reason diane can't be given this too.

We see with good damage/stupid piece of shit that they are acually Very similar in the head . I wonder if diane sees bj and worries if she ever get as bad a him anyway he makes his own decisions to stay at home and get drunk just as he choose to chase charlotte/go after penny. i think he was right to blow off work cause his movie turned into a cheesy blahfest and the director was a asshole and it prob hurt to see his idol be bastardized.. but he didnt have to Get drunk/do drugs with Diane. he could have gone to a couples vacation with Wanda.. bojack himself states he would have had sex with Penny that its not on Diane wanda broke up with him. Bojack makes his own hole and its get deeper and deeper .. he wants a love he can never have from his mom but ends up hurting every women in his wake diane can't fix him.

thinking more on the hypocrisy . she did work for a woman that exterimated a bunch of Union Workers but who cares they were cockroaches. man... i love dark humor this show has some great jokes

I think they've all been hypocritical at some point . at some time in your life you're hypocrtical it happens. PC def has been and she has sdone a 100 things worse than diane ever does.

i think the words id diane describe are Passionate/Vindictive/ sympathic towards people/ lost/Depressed/self loathing . while bojack is acutally empathic to people similar like him hense him understanding diane both having child abuse problems/being able to comfort hollyhock his journey was to learn Sympathy for people he didn't have stuff in common with .. at least to me while Diane is to learn Self Compassion for herself and she can't save the world either.. its to much for one woman.. BJ/Diane both had to let go of Guilt in order to Heal and be better people.. that's my view on them at least

[julie-schwieters-supremacy]

youved been warned vent under the cut

you make me so mad and yes i get it you have crippling anxiety and cant get out of the house and you might have something else and you also have dpression and whatever shit and youre on meds AND IM SO JEALOUS BECAUSE YOU KNOW AHTS WRONG WITH YOU

and yes its hard and yes i undertsand and yes your mum is the nicest person but strict when it comes to you and yes i udnerstand when you say everyone hates you and yes i undertsand you and wehre youre coming from and yes i get it i get it i get it but GOD why

like please stop makong everything about you like girliepop. miss gurl why like (ok wtfim like rockijg back n forth thats how insane i am) anyhows oh ma daayyyyssss brruoooohhhh i get you have a bad life but like hvnet you thought about other people????????? oh right right right yep i make everthing about me so you play the vistim and say ohhh whenevr i try talk about my feelings its disreagerdede and thy make it about them like girliepop ur not even tryin to be subtle rn

ok fist of all. FIRSTLY youre being a hypocrite. a little bit (a lot). not to call u out but im calling u out. GIRL- also why u gotta call me gay everytime i see a woman on my screen GOD anyways that was random

ANYWHOS BESTIES this betch like girl omg ok look i might be making shit about me but mAYBE if you comMUNICATED THAT i would KNOW and not DO IT anyMOOROEEEE instead of just siTTING THAERE and pLATING THE VICTIM cos GIRL

yeah you have a thing tomorrow and youre failing school cos you acnt get out of the house and your relationship is failing and i dont talk to you anymore and youre hurt and crying and aw i feelbad i swear but havent you realised i dont talk to you anymore and have that connection ecause youre talking to me about your feelings and im not talking you to you about my feelings because whenever i do all you say is "im sorry can i do anything" an im like nope cos its not like you could solve it n we move on BUT when we talk about your feelings oh sob sesh feel so empathic awh pity pity can i do anyhting to help yes motivational words but girliepop at least im trying to help and not mutter a half assed snetence. i notce when youre down or sad but its about you and what you want and maybe if you asked about me or noticed when im feelin down and payed attention to me because i thOUGHT IT WAS EQUAL LIKE AS IN 2 HALVES LIKE 50-50 HELLO MATHS UR SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD AT MATH

yeah maybe if you werent sulking we wouldnt be here. like girl GIRL. please stop being a crybaby and upping everything because you make me feel bad whenever you do something n ur like oH iLL gO BECAUSE ARGH IT MAKES ME SO MAD I WANT TO SAY "oh do it then i double dare you" COS MISS GURL AKJFGHSFH STOP. LIKE I HAVE TO PHYSICALLY STOP MYSELF FROM LAUGHING???? AND SAYING THE MEANEST SHIT COS YOULL PRETEND TO HAVE AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS AND I SWEAR YOU ONLY STARTED BECAUSE I DID BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER EVER SEEN YOU WITH SHIT BEFORE AND YEAH I RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES BUT WE ARE LITERALLY SO CLOSE I HAVE BEEN IN YOUR HOUSE MET YOUR FAMILY BEEN THERE FOR EVERY SINGLE MOMENT MAYBE IT WOULD BE NICE IF YOU WERE COMFORTABLE but its fine cos im not an asshole (even if you say i am) and i respect your boundaries :)

so yes ill just shut up and rant on tumblr so i dont explode at you which will cause you to pretend to have an existential criss OMG U KNOW WHAT MAKES ME SO MAD

YOU LYING. I DONT CARE IF YOU DIDNT MAKE THE EDIT AND JUST SAID IT LOOKS COOL BUT BESTIE ITS NOT COOL TAKING OTHER PEOPELS EDITS AND POSTING THEM AS UR OWN. I CAN LITERALLY SEE THE WATERMRK DO U THINK IM DUMB. ALSO THAT ONE TIME WITH THEC HEESE PIE LIKE I KNOW WHAT A STORE BOUGHT PIE LOOKS LIKE AND I KNOW WHAT A HOMEMADE PIE LOOKS LIKE IM LITERALLY SO MUCH BETTER AT COOKING THAN YOU ITS INSULTING HOW YOU THINK IM THIS STUPID

ok im sorry i hope you never read this i swear im just insane im sorry if that didnt make sense and i understand if you, reader, skipped through it because i would too :) (also why tf is there so much sass in this post what)

i am so unhinged rn like the only thing running through my head rn are feelings and not actual thoughts and maybe i should do something about that but im just manically laughing bevause HA

ok no i just had an argument and had to stop myself from saying the meanest shit and i feel like a bad person now but im also mad so like like girl not everything is about you plase stfu kindly :))))))))))))))ADDSGSHKH ahem

hang on this is js unhinged i need to make a vent post istg wtf anyways guys love u alllll

[plaid-shirtsandvibranium-arms]

Nemesis: Retribution (5)

Summary: 10 years after the Avengers had left you for dead during a mission gone wrong, you unexpectedly re-enter their lives. Wholly unrecognizable from the person they used to know and now with a new team behind you, they ask for your help to stop a chain of syndicates who were manufacturing and peddling the super soldier serum. You were determined to say no until the chance at the vengeance you had been chasing for years was added to the offer.

Fandoms: Avengers, Marvel, MCU, The Punisher, Daredevil

Pairings: Female Reader x (Frank Castle, Billy Russo, Matt Murdock, Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes, Pietro Maximoff)

Warnings: EXPLICIT SMUT. SHAMELESS SEXUAL BEHAVIOUR (18+ ONLY. I WILL BLOCK YOU), human rights violations, polyamorous relationships, reverse harem, blatant disregard for canon timelines and events, angst, Punisher canon level of violence and gore, strong language, mentions of trauma, mentions of character death, fluff if you squint,

A/N: Okay okay. I’m finally happy with how this turned out. Goddamn that’s a lot of words. I’ll see you all in the party in the comments and reblogs! I love reading what you think. Don’t be shy. Jump in!

No permission is granted to repost, steal, or translate my work. Not even a credit makes it okay. Tumblr is the only place I post my writing. If you see it anywhere else please report it.

[gif not mine. credit to: this glorious gif post.]

Series Masterlist | Full Masterlist

1:5 Lemons

2 missions.

A 50/50 chance of getting Salvacion.

Your heart was pounding in your chest and you were on the verge of getting lightheaded from the anticipation. A decade of chasing this bastard and this was the closest you had ever gotten to him. The man was not only deadly in skill, but always seemed to manage to give you the slip every single time. Forcing yourself to face the life you left was worth it if it meant finally avenging Lily.

The briefings the past week had been long, but they were important to make sure everyone was prepared to end this. You were minutes away now from shipping off to the mission and your whole body was buzzing.

This was it.

There were two locations that you had to hit at the same time. Two locations with large shipments that you had to stop from reaching its destination. The teams needed to be split.

"Let's go over this one more time," Steve started, fully suited up in black that was truly a far cry from his old blue and red ensemble. "I'll be leading a team into the shipment yards with Bucky and Nem at the front. Sam will be on air support. Billy will manage a team of snipers in the surrounding area."

This was the smaller of locations, but with the larger shipment. The location itself entailed a more strategic approach. You weren't happy that there was a chance that Salvacion would be at the other location, but having Frank on that team put you somewhat at ease. He understood more than anyone how important this was to you and he promised he would take Salvacion alive. He was yours to kill.

Frank always kept his promises.

"I'll be leading the other team into the industrial district," Frank continued, his signature vest strapped tight across his chest. "Pietro and Matt will cover the perimeter and I'll be charging in with Nat and Wanda."

Their location was more complicated. It was too close to the residential district and the warehouses there ran 24/7. There was a high risk of civilian casualty if they weren't careful which was why almost everyone who was powered was assigned to that group. They needed every capability they could pull to make sure no innocent blood was spilled.

"Good," Steve nodded. "We'll both have a group of agents with us too. They've been briefed and are prepping transport as we speak. We leave in 20 minutes."

Everyone nodded their understanding, grabbing their gear and heading down to the transport docks. There was a fleet of cars standing by that would be used, gassed up and ready to go. Your hands were drumming repeatedly on your vest, itching to just get on the road. Frank and Matt lingered with you before they joined the rest of their group.

The towering marine stepped up close to you and tightened the buckles of your bulletproof vest, wishing you would have accepted the offer of better gear from the Avengers but also knowing it was hypocritical of him when he declined as well.

It just wasn't your style.

It was his own damn fault for training you in his own combat style. He had no doubt of your capability, but still he worried about you. He always worried about you and he felt a sense of responsibility toward you after finding you tortured within an inch of your life.

"Stay close to Steve, sweetheart."

You snorted, but a glance back at Steve who was already looking at you with a raised eyebrow made you grumble and relent. "Fine."

"Good girl," Frank chuckled, before leaning in to press a firm kiss on your lips as he held you by the buckles of your vest. You smiled into the kiss, feeling the steady protection and reassurance that he always brings.

He stepped away for Matt to get his turn. This was a tradition that just developed naturally between the four of you. A kiss before danger. A promise to keep safe. A promise to come home.

Matt took your face in both hands and kissed the breath out of you as if he was trying to outdo Frank. It wasn't uncommon. He was always more aggressive with his affections, always as if he was scared you might suddenly slip away from his life and you were happy to reassure him every time that you weren't going anywhere. He chuckled when you bit his lip, beating him to it. He gave you one more peck before stepping aside.

Billy came closer to your side and slung his arm around your shoulders, chuckling as he nuzzled his nose against the side of your face. It was amusing him to no end at how easily you were folding for Steve. It was a nice change of pace from the three of them never being able to deny you anything.

Most especially Billy.

"We're definitely keeping Steve around. I think I like you compliant," he snickered, turning your head toward him with a finger under your chin. He planted a quick chaste peck on your lips. Your eyebrows quirked at the unusual behavior.

"What you're not gonna try to outdo me too?" Frank teased.

"Nem knows I do my best kissing elsewhere. Don't you, pretty girl?" Billy winked at you and you rolled your eyes. You smacked him in the chest but didn’t comment further. He wasn't wrong, but he was smug enough as it is.

You were about to turn toward the cars when you were knocked back slightly to the side by a sudden peck to your cheek. You couldn't stop the laugh when you caught Pietro's grin before he vanished again, a subtle warmth spreading in your chest. You were still smiling when you took your seat beside Steve who intertwined your hand with his and raised it to his lips, smiling that soft boyish smile against your skin that now made your stomach flip. He didn't let go of your hand throughout the ride, even as he caught Bucky's yearning gaze in the rearview mirror.

You were greeted by an ambush.

Somehow the syndicates knew that you would be coming, setting up a small army as your welcome party. A quick distress call through the comms from Frank confirmed that they were facing the same in their location.

But you couldn't focus on that.

You were too busy tearing through the goons that kept coming at you. Having two super soldiers and Sam in the thick of it with you was a blessing, but even with the other agents and Billy's sniper support you were severely overrun. You would just have to trust that the other team can handle their own.

You emptied the clips of your pistols as you trudged your way deeper into the fray, not bothering to duck or take cover from the onslaught of angry men. You tossed your empty guns to the side and drew out another, catching a few bullets in your vest.

No time to reload.

"I got you, Hedwig. Give 'em hell," Billy said in your ear.

The deadly smirk on your lips was the only warning the men in front of you got. You charged again as the adrenaline coursed through your body, bullets flying precisely into their skulls.

One. Two. Three. Four men down.

When your bullets ran out, you dropped the gun and pulled out two daggers. Your eyes narrowed as you took off into a sprint toward the closest target, weaving effortlessly through the oncoming fire.

A slice to the forearm to disarm.

A dagger up the chin.

Dead.

He dropped to the ground spluttering on his blood as you took the other dagger and sent it flying toward another's chest.

Dead.

Rough muscular arms caught you by surprise and gripped you from behind, caging you as you struggled. You saw the gun in his hand and reacted.

Break the wrist to disarm.

You smirked at the loud pop of his bones. You grabbed the gun before it dropped to the ground as you slipped a knife from your vest. The pain in his wrist caused him to loosen his hold on you, allowing you to turn to face him.

Blade to the gut.

Bullet to the face. Point blank.

Dead.

You didn't even flinch when his blood splattered across your face, joining the explosion of red already painting your figure. You could make out two more in your peripheral who dropped to the ground before they could advance on you, care of your guardian angel with a sniper rifle.

"Thank you, Blackbird," you said sweetly.

"Goddamn, doll," Bucky said, Steve stood beside him mirroring the same look of equal awe and fear.

This was the first time they had seen you in action. Hearsay and that little demo with Kim did nothing to prepare them for the sheer brutality you had when given the clear purpose to kill. You didn't hesitate. You didn't waste time. You didn't care that you were drenched in blood. You had a goal and you were going to meet it every time with ruthless violence.

This was who you were now.

"Are you hurt anywhere?" Steve came up to you looking worried after seeing you charging headlong at open gunfire.

He didn't like it. At least he had a shield. Skilled as you were, he didn't like that you were running every mission like you had a death wish. There was so much blood on you that it was difficult for him to tell if any of it was yours.

"None of the blood is mine," you dismissed, wiping your face with what was the only clean part of your sleeve. "Let's go. I hear more up ahead and Sam said that's where the shipment is."

Rounding the corner, you were faced with another cluster of goons with weapons aimed at your small group. They stood a good distance away in front of two shipping containers that were being readied for transport. Sam landed beside you along with a group of agents. Bucky pushed you behind him and Steve raised his shield to cover you both. Billy chirped in the comms that the snipers had repositioned and were ready. All of that barely registered with you, white noise against the rage that was brewing, because behind enemy lines was the goal you've been chasing for a decade.

Salvacion.

"I have to say," he drawled. His voice, the first you're hearing of now, sending a chill down your spine. "I expected more from the Avengers. You didn't even bring Iron Man. I'm disappointed."

"Give up the serum," Steve growled.

"No. I don't think I will," he answered. "Kill them all."

All hell broke loose once more; fists, bullets, knives, and a shield flying in every direction. Bucky and Steve kept close to you, shielding you from most of the shots as you advanced. You gunned down every bastard you saw but your eyes never strayed from Salvacion who was just standing there watching the clash.

Taunting you.

Something nagged at the back of your head as you fought. It was unusual for the syndicates to be deploying this many people to a single location even if it was for the serum. While you were thanking every god you knew for luckily drawing Salvacion on this mission, his presence was also peculiar. Something else was going on.

Something else was here.

The syndicates were pushing back on your team hard, but you were making a dent in their numbers. When you saw Salvacion start walking away, that was when you felt the panic stir in your mind.

"I can't let him get away, Steve!"

You ignored his and Bucky's calls for you as you made a mad dash straight through the fight, efficiently shooting and stabbing anyone who dared get in your path. You were consumed with the purpose of reaching him, of finally being able to end it all.

You left the larger fight behind you in favor of this more personal one, the noise receding as you chased him farther. You caught a glimpse of him making his way up stacked containers and you sped up your run. You didn't even think twice about climbing the height. Nevermind potential broken bones. Nevermind getting cornered. Nevermind that you had no backup.

Salvacion would die today.

When you reached the top, you were surprised to see him standing there waiting for you but also that he wasn't alone. You raised your gun to match the one he was aiming at you, but he merely tutted and smirked. His other hand also had a gun, this one aimed up the chin of the person he was holding captive in front of him.

Kim.

The amount of irritation this woman was bringing into your life was starting to get on your nerves. She was delegated on your team for this mission and you stifled the aggravated groan as you noticed that she was bleeding heavily from both shoulders causing her to not be able to fight back.

Top agent my ass.

"Hello, Nemesis," Salvacion grinned at you. "Or should I call you Y/N? Much more personal given our history, don't you think?"

Your name on his lips caused a wave of nausea and a sneer to grace your lips. You raised your gun higher, narrowing your eyes as his own pressed harder against Kim's skin. It wasn't an idle threat.

"Nice of you to show up for once. Was beginning to think you were avoiding me."

"Come now. Don't you enjoy our little game of cat and mouse?"

A game.

This was all a game to him and the malevolent smile on his face confirmed that. The fury in you burned, almost making you physically shake. Killing Lily was nothing to him while it had completely consumed your life. It had become your driving force while to him you were merely entertainment.

"You're going to let me go," he declared, fully confident.

"Is that so?"

"Yes," he dragged out. "Or else your teammate here will die."

"What makes you think I give a shit?" you scoffed. "Go ahead."

The way Kim's eyes widened in terror brought a sick sense of pleasure in you that you shouldn't be proud of. Salvacion let out a low laugh, amusement clear in his tone.

"Oh, dear child. No matter how much spite you wrap yourself with, you are the same naive hero wannabe you always were," he snickered. "Self-sacrificing. Even at the expense of your sister."

"You don't talk about Lily, you bastard!" you screamed, your grip shaking slightly on your weapon.

All of a sudden it was hard to breathe and your heartbeat was hammering in your ears. You didn't expect that finally facing him, hearing him talk about Lily like she was inconsequential, would shake you to your core. This was what you have been waiting for. This was what you have been building up to for the past decade. This was your purpose for living.

What were you waiting for?

"I am feeling generous today. Consider it my gift to commemorate our first official meeting," he said.

"What the fuck are you on?" you growled.

"Open the containers," he smiled. "See you soon, Y/N."

He abruptly tossed Kim to the side, pushing her off the ledge of the containers you were on and bolted away with a mad cackle. You shot at his retreating figure, desperately trying to aim through the turbulent emotions he inspired in you. You were going to chase after him when a yelp of pain caught your attention.

Kim was hanging by one hand off the edge, obviously struggling to hold herself up with her busted shoulders. You were too high up for her to survive the fall and she was too injured to help herself. Her grip was slipping.

"Y/N! Help me please!"

A dark shadow passed through your features. Saving her would mean Salvacion would definitely escape. Again. You didn't know if you would ever get another chance at him or when that would be.

You didn't like this woman. You never did. She tormented your youth, took joy in it even and as you reunited nothing changed. She was the same egotistic bully she always was. This was a dangerous mission. People die in the line of fire.

It happens. No one would blame you.

"Please!"

"Fuck!"

You dropped your weapon and clasped both hands on hers to pull her up. You strained with the effort, Kim being a deadweight adding to the struggle. You let go when half her body was safely on top, her legs swinging up to roll herself flat onto the surface. She was crying and whimpering from the fear and pain. You couldn't help the anger that bubbled to the surface.

You slapped her face.

"Get your goddamn shit together," you roared at her. "I don't have time for this. Call for evac, princess."

You ran toward the sound of helicopter blades, jumping onto crates and jolting your bones at the impact. You didn't care. The renewed rage had steadied you, calmed you almost to the point that the only thing you could see in your mind was taking him out. You had faltered and you would beat yourself up about that later, but you couldn't let him slip away again.

The helicopter was already starting to take off, Salvacion clearly visible through the open door. You cocked your gun and fired away. Empty. You slipped another gun out and fired. Empty. You kept running toward him, drawing and firing every last bullet you had as you screamed your frustration with every shot that missed.

You noticed that you managed to get a few through him by the way his body jerked. You were feeling optimistic until he reached around and pulled out a rocket launcher. You saw the sinister grin before he fired.

"Nem!" You heard your name being called, but you were too stunned by the horrible realization that you had failed today. You watched the helicopter slowly make it's way farther and farther behind the rocket that was hurtling toward you.

Even if you ran, the area of impact would still tear right through you. You were frozen in place, unable to process that this was how it would end. That it would end in you dying by his hand as well. That it would end without you making it up to Lily.

Your internal struggle was interrupted by a large body completely engulfing yours. The impact of the rocket threw you both to the ground and the loud explosion accompanied by ripping metal deafened your ears.

You struggled with your vision, the ringing in your head was painful and your body sore from crashing down. Oddly, your skull itself didn't feel injured. All of the pain seemed to be concentrated on your torso. You blinked a few times to focus the blur of your eyes as the repeated chanting of your name became louder.

"Are you okay, doll? Answer me, Nem! Come on."

"Bucky?"

Your sight finally focused to find that it was the brunette super soldier on top of you, covering you from what would have certainly been your death. The dread on his face gave way to a tired relief at you finally responding.

He pressed his forehead to yours and closed his eyes, taking deep steadying breaths. You noticed now that he was wincing and that his flesh arm was underneath you, supporting your back and cradling your head. His metal arm was detached, a mangled mess of forcibly severed wires and metal plates sticking out from his shoulder. Your eyes widened in realization.

"Bucky, your arm," you started to struggle underneath him, knowing he must be in a world of pain.

He shushed you by rubbing the tip of his nose against yours. Your eyes met icy blue ones and you saw him smile weakly, as if telling you it was worth it. He wouldn't hesitate to catch a missile with his arm again if it meant protecting you.

The rest of the boys reached you shortly after, Sam took Bucky and informed you that evac and medics were here. You were still in shock from what just happened. Billy took you gingerly in his arms, endlessly fussing at you and apologizing for not being able to do more even if you understood it was impossible for him to have tracked you through the chaos. Steve stood to the side, obviously furious at himself for not going to you even if you understood it was only right that he led the main fight.

Your body felt like it had gone through a war and you were too emotionally distressed to address anything else. You felt defeated. You felt at a loss. You failed Lily again today. Suddenly, you remembered what he told you.

His gift.

"Steve, Salvacion told me to open the shipments. He said it was a gift from him."

You didn't wait for them to respond, dragging your battered body limping across the yard to the crates. Billy recovered first, quickly jogging up to support your battered body straight with his. Steve followed closely behind, the uneasiness clouding the three of you. The locks were easily broken by Steve's shield and soon your gift was revealed.

What you saw drained the blood from all of you and caused your skin to immediately chill. It was the most sickening thing any of you have ever seen in your lives and that was saying something. How anyone could do this was beyond comprehension.

People. Dozens of people.

Crammed inside the steel box were dozens of people in various states of distress. All of them had barely any life left in them, barely sustained by the various IV bags hooked on their bodies. They hardly reacted when the doors were opened, too spent by what they had been made to go through to even blink. You suspected that a good portion of those who were not moving at all were dead. The smell was horrendous and this was coming from people who were about to be shipped to god knows where.

The horror you felt heightened to epic levels when you noticed that some of the drip bags held a different colored fluid, the distinct color of the super soldier serum. Then it clicked and the nausea finally overcame you. You poured your guts out onto the pavement, your stomach heaving violently as the truth made your vision spin.

Human testing.

Human experimentation.

And you had let the bastard escape.

Steve was going to approach you, clueless as he was on how to help you at that moment, but you had scrambled out of reach and ran out of the shipment yard. He called after you readying himself to go to you, but Billy's grip on his forearm stilled him.

"We're not who she needs right now, Cap," Billy shook his head. "Right now these people need us more."

"Where's she going?" Steve asked, swallowing hard on the lump in his throat and reluctantly agreeing.

"She'll be fine. Matt will find her."

Matt found you hours later. He had returned badly beaten and bruised from their own mission, but upon receiving word from Billy he pushed aside every painful injury he felt and rushed to where he knew he would find you. His chest tightened when he was told what you had seen. It was bad enough that you were carrying the guilt of your sister's death, but now you had the weight of all the lives that were victimized by these sick people too. It was too much for one person to bear.

He found you in the confession booth of the church on the corner of a quiet street and he couldn't see the broken look on your face when he opened the door, but he could feel it. He heard it in your unusually slow heartbeat, as if your organs were trying to give up. He heard it in the shallow breaths you took, as if the act of living was a betrayal in itself. He heard it in the cry that was begging to break through you throat. He could almost taste your despair.

He slowly knelt in front of you and pulled you urgently into his arms, squeezing himself into the tight space. He held you against him, clutching you tight and rocking you gently back and forth. This was an open secret shared between the two of you. When the darkness was overwhelming, you turned to each other and confessed. He pulled away after a long moment, cradling your face firmly in his palms. His thumbs brushed against your dry cheeks. Of course you hadn't been crying.

There were no more left to shed.

"Talk to me," he muttered, pressing his lips softly against yours.

"He experimented on a lot of people," you muttered. "And I let him go, Matty. I've been letting him carry on for ten years."

Your tone was almost a hoarse whisper, devoid of much emotion apart from a cold defeat. This worried him, but at least you were talking. You had known when you were being tortured that they Hydra hadn't perfected the serum. They kept torturing you in the hopes that they could get you to reveal anything about the formula, Steve and Bucky's abilities, or where samples of their blood were stored. You didn't talk.

Maybe you should have talked.

When the syndicates got their hands on the incomplete formula, they were faced with the same problem. A problem they apparently decided to solve by trial and error on actual people. You knew this. At the back of your mind you knew this, but it didn't register until you saw it for yourself tonight. Somehow you had ignored that fact because you had only been focused on your own grief.

"I let him go. I did this, Matty," you breathed, the guilt clear in your voice.

"No! You did not let him go. The bastard got away," he insisted. "And this is not your fault. I won’t let you think that this is your fault."

"No," you argued weakly. "I let him go. I had a shot at stopping him tonight and I didn't take it."

"Steve told me. You stopped to save Kim." The movement of his thumbs on your cheeks changed to soothing circles. "You stopped to save a teammate. That was a good thing."

You scoffed. "I wanted her to die."

"What?"

"For a solid moment as she was hanging on for her life, I wanted to let her die."

"She's alive now because of you, Nem. You fought it. You're strong. You didn't give into it."

"But what if that's what I need to do? If I did I could have ended Salvacion tonight."

You could have ended it all tonight.

Salvacion's words tonight plagued you. if you didn't try to play the hero then this whole twisted operation could have been stopped. If you didn't try to play the hero then you would have gotten your revenge for Lily. If you didn't play the hero then Lily wouldn't even be dead. You had wanted to save people so much, make a difference in the world, that you didn't stop and think about how that would impact the people you held most dear.

"You don't honestly believe that, do you?" Matt asked cautiously, he knew more than anyone the struggle you faced. All of you were just a bad day away from completely snapping.

"I don't know," you admitted in defeat. You sounded so tired and confused that it broke his heart.

He held you for a moment more, waiting for your heart and breathing to return to normal. He didn't know what else to do or what else to tell you. He didn't know how to help you this time. Just then, he sensed the arrival of a Maximoff twin.

"Pietro's outside. I'll ask him to take you away for a while," he shook his head when he felt you were about to protest. "You need a break and you need some peace."

He led you outside, his pace slower than normal as your shoulders slumped lower to the ground in resignation. He exchanged a few words with Pietro before he pressed a kiss to your temple and pushed you toward the other man.

"Come with me, little star. I'll take care of you."

The next thing you knew, Pietro had lifted you into his arms and asked you to close your eyes. You buried your face into his neck as you felt the world around you dissolve in a blur, your hair whipped around but you weren't scared. The steady grip he had on you assured you that you would be safe. When he told you to open your eyes, you had no idea where you were or how long you had been traveling.

"Where are we?"

He gently set you on your feet as you looked around the area. It was beautiful. A dense lush forest that opened up to a lake with a small cabin. Isolated. Quiet.

Peaceful.

Immediately you felt your body relax in the new environment. It was so far removed from anything and everything that it allowed you to let go of the tight hold you had on your life. It allowed you to let go of the rage for a moment.

"Sokovia," he answered. "This is mine. When Wanda and I were little, even before the enhancements, our connection was strong and can be overwhelming. I needed a place that was only my own."

"Wanda doesn't know about this?"

"No, it is the only secret I have ever kept from her. I've never brought anyone else here."

Turning to him, you could see the shy smile on his face. There was a reluctance there, as if he was nervous that his little hideaway would not be good enough for you. You were quick to shoot that thought down.

"It's beautiful, Pietro. Thank you for sharing this with me."

His smile brightened as he approached you and held both your hands in his. "We can stay for as long as you want to. I can go into town and get us more supplies. We can swim in the lake if you like and I can cook you paprikash. You'll love it."

He was so excited. So happy to be able to spend time with you. Elated to be able to share this sentimental place with someone else, but he saw the sadness in your eyes and it made him force himself to slow down. The smile on his face dimmed.

"Do you want to go somewhere else? I can take you anywhere you like."

The heartbreak and disappointment in his voice alerted you. You hurriedly wound your arms around his shoulders and forced his eyes to meet yours. You recognized the way he looked at you, but it was only now that you really noticed that he has always looked at you that way. He was so pure. So honest. So good.

He was too good for you.

"No, Pietro. This is perfect. You're perfect." You tried to smile up at him. "I don't deserve you."

Just like that he understood you. He drew you closer by the waist and pressed a soft kiss at the corner of your mouth. When he drew back, his smile lit up his face again.

"Why do you need to deserve me, little star?" he chuckled at the puzzled look on your face, finding it adorable. "Can I not just choose to love you?"

You frowned and he just laughed more. He shushed your protests by pulling you flush against his body, lowering his head to hover his lips mere inches from yours. He left this small distance as your choice to make just as he has made his.

"Let me choose to love you."

You could feel his breath on your face at this distance, see the sparkle of anticipation in his eyes, and his tongue darting out to wet his lips.

You made your choice.

Kissing Pietro has to be the most comforting experience that you had ever felt. He tasted like hot chocolate on a rainy day and you felt your body melt when he returned the gesture. You were sighing against his lips when the now familiar feeling of him dashing turned it into a surprised squeal. You blinked and you were lying down on a soft mattress with Pietro grinning down at you.

You laughed as you shared more kisses, hands giddily exploring each other and tearing away pieces of clothing until nothing lay between you. For the first time in a long time, you felt insecure about your scars. For the first time, you were reluctant for someone to see them. Again, just like that he understood you.

"You're beautiful, little star. You have always been beautiful to me."

He kissed you again, deeply and full of emotion that you melted into the bed. His lips traveled down your neck, your chest, your stomach. He stopped to nip and suck at the inside of your thighs causing you to involuntarily moan his name. Lower he went until his mouth was working gentle swirls on your sensitive bud. Your hips grinded against his tongue, desperately seeking more.

He pressed his mouth fully on you then, adding a finger much to your delight. He ate you like he worshipped you. Like he was blessed with the opportunity to bring you pleasure. Your body sang his praises, reacting with equal enthusiasm by soon reaching your orgasm. You shook beneath him as he allowed you to ride out your high, soothing you with gentle hands rubbing circles on your hips. He was smirking at you when he crawled up, satisfied that he had made you cum but clearly aiming for more.

He kissed you again as he lined himself up against your core, sliding it against your slit to coat it with your slick. He wasn't even inside you yet and you already felt like you were ready to cum. He held your gaze, silently asking for permission that this was still what you wanted. Instead of answering, you moved your hips to slip his length inside causing him to drag out a hiss and capture your mouth again. The groan you both let out when he bottomed out vibrated through your fused lips.

"You feel incredible," he whispered. "You feel so good wrapped around me. Just like I always thought you would."

"Pietro, please."

His strokes were slow and deep, hitting that special spot inside you that had you panting with want. The smooth roll of his hips was quickly driving you higher and higher toward another orgasm. It was so gentle. So sensual. So personal.

"Tell me what you want, little star."

Everything about Pietro's life had been one big event after another. Rushed decisions. Angry fighting. Missions. Even his very enhancement relied on speed.

He didn't want that with you.

With you he wanted to slow everything down. He wanted to savor every moment. He wanted to stop time if he could, keep you in his arms for as long as possible. Freeze you in this exact moment when all you felt was pleasure.

"More," you pleaded.

Maybe he could speed up just a little bit.

His strokes gradually hastened and he glowed with satisfaction at seeing you delirious with desire because of him. He palmed at your breasts, nipped at your neck, and bucked his hips just a bit harder.

"More."

He smiled. How could he deny you? He lifted you up until you were seated on him, holding you firmly with an arm up your back with his hand fisting in your hair. The other hand he slipped between the two of you to rub against your clit. You saw the wicked glint in his eyes before he dipped his head to lave at your breasts.

You felt like you were going to explode from the different sensations. That was until he decided to move your body to bounce on his cock, his own hips thrusting up to meet you and his hand on your back guiding you to wind your hips as you came down. Your clit hit his pelvis each time and another wave was added onto your building climax. You whined, moaned, and pleaded his name. Begging him to grant you release.

“Let go for me. I have you. Let go.“

He growled against your breast and pounded up into you until you screamed and shook above him, clenching him so hard you pulled his own orgasm out of him. He spilled into you, crushing you against him as you continued to flutter around him.

You fought to catch your breath and when you caught each other's eyes, still hazy from lust, you laughed. You felt free. You felt renewed. You kissed him then.

"I love you too, Pietro."

He looked at you with unrestrained adoration. He had been chasing after you for so long that he could hardly believe that he had finally caught you. That he was finally yours.

"What? You didn't see that coming?" you teased.

He chuckled and pulled you in for another lingering kiss. You felt so good in his arms that he has completely forgotten how it felt to not have you in them.

"I meant what I said earlier," he murmured against the skin of your shoulder. "If you want to we can runaway. I can take you away from all of this. We can stay here or we can go anywhere else."

He smiled warmly at you and pecked your lips when he saw the internal conflict flash through your features. Again, without a word he understood you.

"But I know that is not what you want," he reassured you. "I just wanted you to know that you have that choice if you should want it."

Tempting as his offer was, you knew you couldn't let go of Lily's memory. You would never truly be at peace until Salvacion was rotting six feet under and his whole operation was blown to bits. You couldn't leave your mission unfinished. And you couldn't bear to leave four other men behind. Looking back at the events of the past night, it felt more accurate to say five. Still, there was a sense of security from knowing you had that option.

"Let's go home."

------------------------------------------------

A/N: Okay let’s take a vote. Should we forgive Bucky now?

------------------------------------------------

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[21u004]

be back soon / suna rintaro + miya osamu & atsumu / january 25th, 2021

while you’re curled up on your side, behind you is your phone, stuffed with notifications of messages and missed calls from atsumu, suna, and osamu.

you don’t know when’s the last time you checked your messages or talked to anyone. or even used your phone for more than you usually do.

this ‘break’ for your mental health to get 'better’ didn’t turn out as you thought it would, and now you’re just feeling worse and more vulnerable than ever, wanting to just talk to someone and vent, but you don’t, afraid to seem needy and dependent.

at this point, you’re convinced nobody wants to talk to you again after ghosting everyone. you weren’t even ghosting anyone since you didn’t talk to anyone but the three. thinking about this wasn’t making you feel any better about yourself and just made you pity yourself even more.

your phone rings and buzzes again behind you, but you still don’t answer it. you’ve told yourself you’ll talk later, but there’s been hundreds of laters already yet you still haven’t said a word to them.

“knock knock!”

were you really that in need of interaction to the point you’re hallucinating?

“y/n! open up!”

…

“we’ve got snacks!”

i’m not hallucinating.

for the first time today, you finally turn to your phone and look at the messages. it stings your eyes.

from: tarotaro😒

we’re coming over 2:46

gee at least read my texts 🙄 2:50

open up or we’re breaking in 😘 3:12

ok but r u rlly ok 3:12

respond to me 3:13

if u dont want them here ill tell em 3:14

from: osamom

yo 3:12

we brought snacks 3:12

do u want it or no 3:13

if u dont come down in 1 minute i am eating these all 3:13

ok kidding 3:14

just come down alr 3:14

fine 3:14

we’ll rob a bank or sumn if u want 3:15

get down here alr pls atsumu is not shutting up 3:15

from: who u🤨

its been days wth 3:12

r u going to ignore us like this 3:12

:( 3:13

i am sad 3:13

ew 3:13

ok ill cut it out 3:15

please just say something 3:15

r u even alive 3:15

only do you realize you’ve opened the door to let them in when you’re now sitting down, head on folded arms on the table.

no one in the room say anything but they only watch you and sigh with you.

atsumu, having enough if your 'silent treatment’, stands up and raises his voice, his hands curled into a tight fist, shaking. “what’s up with you? are you seriously just gonna quit talking to us- no, not just us but everyone else? are you cutting us off from your life without even telling us why? come on! you know better than that!”

“and what if i don’t?” your throat feels dry and itchy, your voice coming out raspy after not using your voice for more than a week. tears well up, but not enough to fall. “i didn’t mean to do any of this! i just- i was-”

looking atsumu and everyone else in the eye was hard enough, so you don’t finish your words, letting tension and their assumptions finish your sentence.

you let your head fall down again onto your folded arms on the table. even though you’ve already shouted, it doesn’t feel enough to let go of everything you’ve wanted to vent out. you want to fall apart.

“you what?” osamu pulls down a growling atsumu to sit, and with his ever-so-patient, soft, calm voice and eyes, looks to you. osamu’s always extended his patience when it comes to you. you feel like he’s spoiled you too much. you’ve used him too much.

“we’re genuinely worried about you,” suna starts, pausing in between his words. “there are people who care about you too.”

you blink, and your eyelashes fall wet, a few teardrops on the table where your eyes were. but you didn’t want them to see any of that, so you sniffle and wipe it away before looking up to them, giving in the desire to let them see you like this.

“i didn’t want to drag you into this mess. my mess.”

huffing, atsumu’s fist loosens up. “you’re unfair and selfish.”

osamu bites his tongue and lip, but settles to side with his brother. “you’re… such a hypocrite.”

“i’m with them on this,” suna’s voice is firm unlike the other two.

your voice cracks when you mutter out an apology, but tears don’t dare fall from your eyes.

“what happened to 'it’s okay to be vulnerable and ask for help’?” atsumu’s brows are furrowed, and when you look at him, you know he’s hurt. not as much as you were, nonetheless, he was hurt.

“it’s… scary and… hard,” you breathe out, intertwining your fingers. “i’ve wanted to come to you guys when i need or have to… but words get stuck. i’m scared of judgement too.”

there’s a small puddle of water om the table from the ice cream thawing and the cold drinks. when you look at it, it doesn’t reflect your face. you don’t see yourself, but you think you look pathetic.

“you know how i’ve always been scared of being another brick to carry, don’t you guys?” you laugh, but the tension and all your heavyhearts keep the atmosphere from getting lighter. “i’m… still a kid, i guess.”

you lean backwards, your head hanging behind.

“we joke around a lot, but we can get serious and honest too. you’re not the only one,” osamu sighs, slowly relieving his muscles and leaning back in the couch.

“i’m pretty sure you already know how straightforward we can be,” suna’s lip quirks up. he reaches out for three cold drinks, handing osamu one, the other in front of you and the kast one for himself.

atsumu doesn’t have the energy to complain, so he reaches out for his own. “if we tell you it’s okay then it’s okay. unlike you,” the can of soda whispers as he opens it. “we know when and how to say no,” he ends.

thankfully, suna’s opened up your drink for you. it feels cold and your tongue feels tingly when you take a sip. despite that, for the first time in a while, you feel a little more warm.

“i’ll try.”

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 18, second part

(Masterpost) (Other Canary Stuff) (Previous Post)

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!

Hey OP where’s the funny header gif for this post? Sorry, it was murdered by an angst demon and the framing of these shots.

My Found Family Came to Find Me

Continuing our flashback from last time, we see Baby Wei Ying up a tree, refusing to come down because he's afraid there are dogs. Eventually he falls out of the tree, like a dumbass a child, and Yanli tries but fails to catch him. 

Unlike his grownup counterpart, Baby Wei Ying doesn't pretend he's unhurt when he is hurt. I'd like to put the change at Yu Ziyuan's door, but actually he admits to being hurt during his Gusu summer - he mimics Lan Zhan's stoicism when they're getting beaten, but it doesn't come naturally to him, and he whines a lot afterwards. 

By the time of the Animatronic Dog incident, however, he's laughing off obvious injuries that have secret trauma behind them. By the time he comes back, coreless, from the burial mounds, he won't confide in anyone about his hurts any more, except possibly Wen Qing.

Yanli carries Wei Ying, in a sequence that will be echoed much later in his life when Lan Zhan carries him (gifset here). While they head back, she tells him that Jiang Cheng has a bad temper and to ignore whatever mean things he says. This will also be echoed in the future, when Wei Wuxian says it to Lan Zhan after their argument with Jiang Cheng in the shrine.

Yanli also explains that Jiang Cheng loved his dogs and that he's been very sad since Jiang Fengmian sent them away, demonstrating once again that Jiang Fengmian is a terrible father. Yanli says that Jiang Cheng will be happy to have a friend with him, though. This kind of makes Wei Wuxian's role in Jiang Cheng's life "replacement dog."

Jiang Cheng, after getting over this particular snit, got worried about Wei Wuxian and woke up Yanli to find him, and then went wandering around in the dark like a dumbass a child, and is banged up and crying when the other two find him. Yanli encourages him to apologize to Wei Wuxian and he does, which will not happen again until the very end of the show.  

They all smile and laugh together, as Wei Ying looks to Yanli to guide him through the insanity that his life has suddenly become. 

(more behind the cut!)

They head back to Lotus Pier in a sweet montage of walking and smiling together, with Jiang Cheng carrying the world's most beautiful candle holder with the world's most wind-resistant candle in it, to light their way back. Back in the present day for a brief moment, Jiang Cheng pretends to sleep and listens to his sister insisting that the three of them should always stay together, while a single tear rolls down the side of his face.

Soup is Love, Chapter 1 of 1000

Then we head to the past again. In Jiang Cheng & Wei Ying's now-shared room, Wei Ying sits on the bed trying to figure out how to deal with his grumpy new roommate.

Wei Ying is unsure what to do when confronted with pajama game this strong. Tiny Jiang Cheng is already a fashion king. 

Then he tells Jiang Cheng he's not going to narc him out to the clan leader, since it was his own fault that he hurt his leg. This is all Jiang Cheng needs to hear to decide Wei Ying is all right, and he says that he will help Wei Ying chase away dogs in the future.  In fact, Wei Wuxian will protect Jiang Cheng from punishment basically forever, while Jiang Cheng will continue to threaten Wei Wuxian with dogs...forever.

They shake hands on their new understanding and then jump up and down laughing, Wei Ying's leg being all better now, apparently.  When Yanli arrives (carrying a tray of...can you guess? I'll let you guess), they stop jumping. Wei Ying dives in to give Jiang Cheng a little tickle/embrace in an adorable moment that would have me saying "oh, my ovaries!" if I hadn't surgically sent my ovaries to hell a few years ago.

Yanli introduces Wei Ying to the emotional and gustatorial miracle that is her lotus and ribs soup. He hesitates a long time before tucking in because he's so unused to being fed.

Consent? I Don’t Even Know Her

The flashback wraps up with Yanli conked out on the table from the drugs in the incense burner, while Wei Wuxian, who is somehow unaffected despite sitting almost as close to the smoke as she was, checks on her. Jiang Cheng and his Uggs period-appropriate sock thingies get out of bed to come stand with Wei Wuxian, and have feelings about sending Yanli away after she JUST said she doesn't want to be parted from them.

Wei Wuxian: If she didn't want us to do this, she shouldn't have signed that blanket consent-to-medical-treatment form.   Jiang Cheng: Wen Qing made me sign one of those plus a durable power of attorney, is that bad?

This episode is all about people overriding each others' agency and making massively important decisions without the consent of the people who will be affected. But in a feudal context, it's not a violation, no matter how it feels to the person being controlled. In feudal life, your body belongs to your lord -- your sect leader, in the world of CQL. Jiang Yanli and Jiang Cheng's choices are overridden by their clan leader's final command to Wei Wuxian.  Wei Wuxian's core is arguably Jiang Fengmian's property--Wei Wuxian certainly sees it that way, just as his hand was Yu Ziyuan's to take if she wished.  

The brothers tenderly tuck Yanli into bed in the rolly cart and hand her off to Song Lan. They talk about how important it is to get her to Lanling and that she's probably going to be mad, as they thank Song Lan for helping them. 

Yanli listens while she sleeps and, in what is becoming a trademark Jiang move, lets a single tear roll down the side of her face. Jiang Cheng points out that Yanli never gets mad at Wei Wuxian and Wei Wuxian is like, true dat.

How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?

Song Lan is always so emotional about every damn thing, I love him. Here he's like OH GOD NO DON'T FORMALLY THANK ME! STOP!!!

Then he starts to ask Wei Wuxian to pass a message to Song Xingchen for him, but then decides not to say anything, making it super obvious that they fought and aren't together. 

Wei Wuxian reacts to this with confusion and distress, probably because he doesn't want to imagine ever having a breakup with his own soulmate. Which he soon will be having.  But possibly he's just upset that his OTP broke up.

After Song Lan takes off, Jiang Cheng gives Wen Qing a rude & perfunctory thank-you bow, turning away before she can return it. Wei Wuxian tells her not to take it to heart - basically everyone who deals with Jiang Cheng gets a version of the "ignore what he says" speech. She says she understands and that in his place she would have behaved worse, which is so totally not true.  

Then she asks Wei Wuxian if he's sure about the core transfer (not in so many words, because the script is being kind of being vague about it, without actually hiding what's happening). His reply pretty much encapsulates the whole Wei Wuxian experience.

Then he and Jiang Cheng walk off, with Jiang Cheng giving us a rear view that had me googling Wang Zhuocheng's fashion shoots to determine if that wagon he's draggin’ is really as delightful as this belt makes it look. Alas, there is not a wealth of photographic evidence for this research, as compared to, for example, photos of Xiao Zhan's outstanding ass.

Wen Qing and Wen Ning see them off, with Wen Qing wishing they valued their lives more. Although, what she and Wen Ning are doing is massive treason, so their lives will be pretty much forfeit if they're caught, so...

The Sunshot Campaign of Like 60 Dudes

Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng walk up the mountain for the whole beginning of the Sunshot campaign, which...okay. Maybe it's like Dunkirk or The Witcher where they intercut stuff that is happening in different timeframes, which is one of my least favorite new film style thingies.

You know, for a guy Wei Wuxian constantly calls "peacock," Jin Ziyuan really doesn't wear a lot of adornment; just some subtle metalwork on his belt with no dangly bits at all, and a single reasonably-sized hair crown. Compared to the extremely fancy Lan Wangji he's almost plain. We already know that Wei Wuxian is a massive hypocrite when it comes to his idea of a perfect boy, however.

So, this is the Lanling Jin army, which consists of literally 60 guys, including the ones on the stairs and Jin Zixuan and Douchebag Dad. How are they going to fight a war with this tiny group? Why do they have such a big plaza? Hasn't anybody on this production learned CGI cloning?

That’s better.

Nie Mingjue and his best bitch Baxia make quick work of the 4 Wen guys who were assigned to hold the Unclean Realm. 

Hello, Daddy Da-Ge!

Squeeee, it's Lan Wangji! He's taking back Cloud Recesses! Ooooohhh we've missed you Lan Wangji.

Look guys he's here! Look how beautiful he is. He's looking at the gate of cloud recesses and thinking thoughts that Lan Xichen or Wei Wuxian could probably see in his bewitching eyes if they were here to see him, which they aren't. But at least he is here!

....and now he's gone again. *cries*

Hares On The Mountains

Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian continue roaming prettily around this pretty mountainside. The locations in this show are such eye candy. 

Young laddies they run like hares on the mountains Young laddies they run like hares on the mountains  Young laddies they run like hares on the mountains  If I was a young lass I’d soon go a hunting

Jiang Cheng starts to have doubts about the whole Baoshan Sanren thing. Wei Wuxian's reply pretty much encapsulates the whole Wei Wuxian experience.  

Then we have just the tenderest blindfolding scene, (more gifs here), which is fodder for your ChengXian dreams, if you have those.

Here's a good place for a sidebar about what is and isn't incest. Whee! In the CDrama context, relationships tend to be more clearly defined than in western media. The mechanism of confession & acceptance means that people either are or are not in a romantic relationship, with few grey areas. So a character can literally say "we grew up as brother and sister, but now we are dating" and when someone looks startled they just say "there's no blood relation" and everyone is like "cool cool" and that's the new definition of the relationship.

For a strong example of this, the extremely wonderful Go Ahead is about a contemporary family in which a girl and two boys, who are not blood relatives, are all raised together, and call each other brother and sister. When they become adults, they and everyone around them expect the girl (now a woman) to marry one of the two men who have been her brothers, while whichever one she doesn't choose will carry on as her sibling. It's treated as the most natural, logical thing in the world; the only question is whether she wants to make that transition, and with whom.

Looked at through this lens, Wei Wuxian's relationships with his adoptive siblings have just as much potential to turn into romances as his relationships with his friends do, and there's nothing creepy about it. As such you can expect my meta to always get into ChengXian moments without treating it as a wrong or forbidden love. Hopeless, of course, because Jiang Cheng is such a prick the power of WangXian is stronger, but that's a different matter.

What is wrong is wearing this fantastic hat & veil combination when the most fashionable person on the mountain is blindfolded and can't see it.

In the course of this blindfolded encounter with Wen Qing, Jiang Cheng gets to kneel before a powerful woman, be led along by a length of silk that's placed in his hand, and then knocked the fuck out and operated on. He'll wake up in a hotel room in a tub full of ice with "we took your kidney" written on the mirror in lipstick, and he'll love every minute of it.  

Soundtrack: 1. Still Fighting it, by Ben Folds 2. Hares on the Mountain, by Steeleye Span

Writing Prompt: The NEXT time somebody blindfolds Jiang Cheng

[rein-ette]

If you still fancy a drabble prompt, I've always seen Canada and England having a very warm and comfortable relationship- if it interests you, maybe a prompt could be one going to the other for advice about something?

It does indeed interest me, thank you for the prompt! I've had a bunch of Mattie-Arthur scenarios swimming around in my mind for a long time, so I'm glad to have a chance to put one of them down on paper. As always, this was supposed to be a "drabble" but magically lengthened itself the more I thought about it -- I don't think drabbles are supposed to have historical notes.

"Come in."

Matthew shifted his pile of papers to his other arm and pushed through the door of Arthur's office. Inside, the fading afternoon light illuminated the rich mahogony floor and danced on the spines of the hundreds of books that lined each wall. Remembering the excitement he felt when he was first allowed to peruse these shelves, Matthew couldn't help but smile softly to himself.

Arthur himself sat at his desk, one ankle propped up on his knee as he stared idly out the window. Matthew could just barely see a white trim of bandages that peeked out from underneath his collar. That dimmed his smile. It had been more than two years now since the war had ended in Europe, but Arthur still looked as gaunt as he did during the days when engines still roared over London and — though Matthew had not thought it possible — even more exhausted. The worn smile Arthur offered him said as much, and Matthew pushed away a twinge of guilt.

Arthur jerked his chin at the seat in front of his desk and Matthew sat, stacking his documents in a neat pile in front of him. Instead of immediately going through them, however, he gazed worriedly at his old guardian.

"How are you feeling?"

Arthur sighed and shifted in his seat, dropping his leg and turning to face Matthew. He stared at the ancient, ink-stained wood of his desk for a while, and Matthew could almost see the warring emotions on Arthur's face as his desire to be honest fought with his lingering instinct to conceal and protect Matthew from the worries that plagued him. But because they were past such pretenses, he finally murmured, "Tired."

Matthew hummed sympathetically in response. There wasn't much he could do or say to change that, and he expected the reports he brought would only exhaust Arthur further. So he merely asked, "Are you remembering to apply the salve twice a day?"

Matthew flushed a little when Arthur rolled his eyes at him good-naturedly, realizing he was fussing like Arthur was his child, instead of the other way around. Thankfully, Arthur spared him further embarrasment by only answering a tad dryly that yes, he was actually capable of following simple instructions. Matthew mumbled out a reply before deciding that he might as well get on with what he was actually here for, knowing Arthur had never been one for small talk. Clearing his throat, he slid the top half of his stack of papers across the desk.

"They sent you a copy of Lord Mountbatten's plan, I think with annotations, though I haven't gone through the whole thing. And this part is the proposal for the national flag. Also," he pulled a cream letter from the pile and passed that over as well, "India asked that you be there personally, in August," he finished.

Arthur hummed and rifled through the papers. Matthew couldn't quite read his expression. After a few moments, he stacked them again and placed them to the side, with the letter on top. "Thanks. I'll go through them later."

Matthew nodded. "And here I just summarized the letters and stuff from the others. I've left them back in the box, in case you wanted to read them yourself. There's not too much going on really. That you don't already know."

"Yes. Thank you. This is a great help, Matthew, truly."

"You're welcome," Matthew murmured, and watched Arthur scan the notes before setting them aside as well. His eyes traced the shadows underneath the other nation's eyes, before dropping back down to the cotton bandages around his neck. He wondered if Arthur was sleeping at all.

"Is there anything else I can do? I'm heading back to Ottawa next week, but if you need me to take over some stuff for a bit, I can stay longer —"

"No, no, it's fine," Arthur cut him off. "Like I said, I'm just a little tired, that's all. But all this," he waved a hand at the documents , "isn't anything new."

Matthew frowned. "Isn't it?"

"Hmm?"

"I mean, I know the paperwork isn't new, but, these," he drew a breath, "reforms, and the war, of course. That's — I mean. No one's, you know, had to deal with that, before."

Arthur frowned, and traced a finger along the edge of his desk, before sighing, "No, I guess not." He turned again to look out the window behind him. After several long moments, he said, quietly, "But it's not entirely unexpected, either. I just—" The corner of his lips jerked down, and for a moment it seemed as if he was almost in pain. He drew in a breath, and said, "It's just. Difficult. That's all. To—but." He stopped again, grimaced, as if at his own ineloquence. Finally, he said, slowly, as carefully as if he was embroidering the words onto the air between them, "The world is changing. Let us not stand in the way, lest they make us out to be fools."

Watching him struggle, Matthew found himself at a loss as well. Never had he imagined that Arthur — sharp-tongued, quick-witted Arthur, who could neither be bullied nor silenced, who could quote from more books than Matthew had ever read — would be scrambling for words. But then, as he watched Arthur's shoulders curve in towards himself like Matthew had seen a thousand times before in another stubborn, sandy-haired nation who also seemed to have endless words but never quite the right ones, he knew what he needed to do.

Smiling again, Matthew stood, drawing on Arthur's arm so he would turn to face him and said, "I think you need a hug."

Unnecessarily Long Notes are Unnecessarily Long

I didn't state the specific setting of this scene, but the timing of the historical events mentioned means it has to have been sometime between June and August of 1947. Despite the fact that Mattie says "not much is going on", my lord, a lot was going on in 1947; hence why Artie is doing his best impression of the walking dead. Besides the Indian and Pakistan independence movement, officially achieved in August 1947 which is alluded to (Mountbatten, or 3 June Plan, was the precursor to the Indian Independence Act of 1947), Europe was also going through complete social upheaval. To mention just a couple highlights: Germany was in such ruin it was said to have returned to the Roman ages, Britain was rationing harder than ever despite the war having ended, and of course Mr. Truman and Mr. Stalin were gearing up for the Great Showdown. A quote I like which captures the feeling of the time is from H.G. Wells: "[where] other civilizations rolled and crumbled down, the European civilization was, as it were, blown up." [quoted by Tony Judt, Postwar]. Also directly concerning Arthur was the issue of Palestine, which as we all know was and is contentious, to say the very least.

Arthur's attitude to decolonisation is...complicated. Clearly I went with a softer view here, but certainly not all (or even many) British held the view in 1947 that the Empire should be decolonized at all. Hence Arthur during this time was probably a raging hypocrite and, if he wasn't already, at least 50% psychologically unstable. However, I allowed Arthur a little dignity here, in part because he's 2000 years old and as such should have a tiny more perspective than us humans, and also because the weakness of the Empire was much more evident to those in government and the army. Even if it wasn't popular opinion yet, anyone with half a braincell could see that every day Britian didn't decolonize was costing them more than they could afford. Additionally, Britain did decolonise much, much faster than all the other powers and in a relatively peaceful and orderly manner, though what ensued in the countries they left behind was neither. I should also add that Matthew is not the most objective of narrators either -- Canada, despite being a former colony, was still strongly Anglophilic, especially right after WWII. Still, I hope ya'll won't begrudge Arthur a hug.

[pleaseleavemetowrite]

Potions Class | Sirius Black

reader has she/her pronouns but there's nothing that explicitly states the reader's gender apart from that. Also this is my first Marauders era fic so please give me feedback and stuff!

Requested: yes/no

requests are open!

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Summary: In which Sirius unintentionally falls for a half-blood he met during potions class.

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(Y/n) will never forget the day she became friends with Sirius Black. It was their fifth year and (Y/n) knew who Sirius and the rest of the Marauders were, they were practically unavoidable but it's only highlighted when you're in Gryffindor. However, just because everyone knew them, this doesn't mean they really knew anyone besides who they chose to. So, when Slughorn practically insisted on assigning partners for a potions project, (Y/n) and Sirius finally became (formally) introduced.

(Y/n) could practically feel the mild level of annoyance in the air around them and Sirius, she wasn't sure if she should be offended or not. It seemed to feel like she was unable to tell if it was being paired up with her or being assigned a partner in general that bothered Sirius. But, (Y/n) wasn't one to pry and just left him to do his thing while she read over the potion instructions. Once she finished, she finally made an attempt to talk to Sirius.

"Hey, can you go get this list of ingredients while I prep the cauldron, the quicker we get this done, the quicker you can go back to ignoring my existence." Her tone came off as more passive-aggressive then intended when they passed Sirius the small list of ingredients she had written out. But it seemed to work as he wordlessly took the list and left (Y/n) alone to relax her shoulders and gently roll them back before preparing the cauldron. And before she knew it, he was back. He seemed less annoyed then before but not happy either, it was a neutral medium of indifference but (Y/n) couldn't really blame him, she wasn't exactly thrilled to find out she had to work with Sirius.

(Y/n) began the process of chopping, crushing and measuring the ingredients for the potion when Sirius spoke up. "So...you come here often?" (Y/n) had an expression of mild amusement as she gave him a look to say really? Sirius lightly shook his head laughing, "Well what do you want me to say? We don't exactly know each other" (Y/n) breathed out a laugh as she replied, "Maybe not "you come here often" when we are literally in a classroom." Her tone was light-hearted as the potion suddenly became irrelevant. Sirius seemed to share the same idea as he slightly moved closer to (Y/n), leaning on the worktop. "So, tell me about yourself." He sounded genuinely interested, and while (Y/n) knew of his reputation she couldn't help but begin to tell him anything and everything that came to mind.

She told him all about her muggle friends at home, how hard it is to tell them that she isn't ignoring them she just goes to a "strict boarding school." and how her mum used to always take her to park after Primary School if she had been good, since she seemed to always "accidently" cause trouble by making a mess or being somewhere she wasn't allowed to because she couldn't control her magic yet. She told him about the book her aunt would read to her about a puddle duck named Jemima. and although (Y/n) was sure Sirius had stopped listening long ago, he hadn't. He hung onto every word of every story. In return, he would tell her stories about the backstories and reasoning of some of their most infamous pranks around school, and about some of James' more outlandish ways of confessing to Lily.

Before either of them knew it, the lesson was almost over, and Slughorn was assessing their potions. Suddenly, all their laughter ceased as they locked eyes and just began throwing random things into the cauldron and stirring it in hopes of something. However, it seemed like this wasn't the best idea as the concoction before them exploded right as Slughorn walked over. Successfully earning themselves detentions of organising the store rooms and cleaning the classroom for a few days. But neither of them could contain their laughter as their stupid idea literally blew up in their faces. In her laughter, (Y/n) tripped over her own robes and fell onto Sirius, who luckily caught her, but it only made them both laugh harder. Slughorn was fed up and dismissed them early so they could, "compose themselves." (Y/n) caught her breath and adjusted her robes as Sirius asked, "Where have you been all my life?" (Y/n) responded sarcastically, "What literally or...? Because if so up until 1st year I was in the muggle world. and past then, I was literally right in front of you." Sirius lightly rolled his eyes at her response.

"This was our last lesson, so do you want to walk back to the common room?" Sirius asked her, (Y/n) agreed. The pair made light conversation, exchanging stories and joking. Until they reached the common room as they realised they had to part and go to their respective friendship groups, with Sirius obviously with James, Remus and Peter and (Y/n) with Lily, Alice and Dorcas. It would be strange for Sirius to join (Y/n) and (Y/n) wasn't going to just leave her friends the second someone else gives her attention. The pair settled on just saying they would see each other later at dinner. But before they parted Sirius asked, "If your Evans' friend, how come I hardly knew you." "Because you only knew me as "Evans' friend"." (Y/n) then proceeded to give Sirius one last smile before Alice walked in and (Y/n) left with her. Leaving Sirius to think over what she had said.

The worst part was the longer he thought about it, the more he realised she was right, he had never thought to think past her being friends with Lily.

The thought stayed on the back of Sirius' mind as he went about his afternoon and early evening as he would on any ordinary day. After they had both finished, Sirius and (Y/n) walked down to the dungeons to organise the stores rooms as Slughorn had ordered them to. The walk was quiet and (Y/n) was growing uncomfortable with it and spoke up, "Hey, about earlier. What I said was rude and-" "What are you talking about, you were right." Sirius cut off and paused before continuing, "I won't lie what you said did bother me, but not because it was rude. It's because you were right. I never did think to look past the fact you're Evans' friend. I did the others and I just assumed you were like them, and no offence to them but they aren't really my type of people and-" "Sirius it's fine, I get it, really. I would be a hypocrite if I said I had never only saw you as what your reputation made you out to be." The both were now stuck in a limbo where neither of them had an issue with other but neither had anything to say.

So they laughed, they laughed all the way down to the store room. "What are we laughing about?" "The fact that we were both wrong." Their laughter died down as they entered the store room. "What a tip! No wonder it needs cleaning, no one's even thought about organising anything since 1896." (Y/n) sounded annoyed and almost astounded about how disorganised the room was and wondered how Slughorn even found anything they needed for lessons.

Sirius seemed amused by (Y/n) apparent distress at the state of the room and threw his arm around her shoulders and said in a teasing tone, "You were around in 1896 well you don't look a day over 50." (Y/n) rolled her eyes but didn't remove his arm. It was almost comforting to smell his cologne and how it mixed with smell of firewood that followed him and the dust in the air. Sirius also made no attempt to remove his arm as he could smell the lingering tones of her perfume and the muggle bubble-gum she had showed him earlier.

"Well you two better get to work you have a lot to do." The pair were snapped out of their daydreams by Slughorn suddenly entering and upon seeing the position they were in, he gave Sirius the task of bringing the boxes of the highest shelf and (Y/n) to begin to organise the ones on the bottom shelf. This seemed like an attempt to physically separate the two.

The first ten minuets were productive, mainly because they didn't want Slughorn to walk in again and deem that they weren't working hard enough. But all it took was Sirius either accidently or purposely nearly dropping a box of ingredients to make the pair start talking and joking around again. As the monotonous and tiresome work progressed, the two were becoming increasingly aware of how much they really did enjoy each other's company, even if they were in a somewhat cramped and definitely dusty potions store room.

It past curfew when they had finished so they didn't dawdle in the halls, as much as Sirius could probably get away with it, neither of them were willing to risk it after the mind-numbing task they had of alphabetising the store room. Once they reached the common room, they both collapsed onto the sofa as their exhaustion set in. "At least it's only cleaning for our next few, and not that. " (Y/n) tried to joke but her eyes were dropping by the second, Sirius seemed to notice this, "At least go to bed before falling asleep, these sofas aren't comfortable enough to sleep on, trust me." (Y/n) weakly nodded and muttered a small goodnight to Sirius as she borderline dragged herself up the stairs to her dorm.

In the following weeks, (Y/n) and Sirius spent more and more time together, not just in detention or class but outside of class as well. Somewhere along the way, their feelings for each other had manifested into something more. The lingering eye contact felt more intimate and when their hands brushed it felt like butterflies had swarmed into their vicinity and sent nerves down their backs. Although, it was obvious to everyone but them that they liked each other as something more, they were both adamant that their feelings were not reciprocated.

It wasn't until their final detention together that their friends decided enough was enough and took matters into their own hands, as it seems they had also grown closer based on their shared feelings of frustration of their respective friend's obliviousness. Lily and Remus worked together to quickly had Amortentia brewed quickly enough so that it would be in the potions room and James used his cloak to hide in the hallway while Alice and Dorcas distracted Slughorn long enough for him to not notice James tampering with the lock on the door.

(Y/n) and Sirius entered the room and closed the door, and that signified the success of their friend's plans. They both started with the first part of the routine they had curated for themselves from previous detentions. They began with clearing the desks, cleaning off any mess made, putting away the equipment used and then making their way to the unfinished potions at the back. The routine was simple but effective since they couldn't use magic to speed any of the process up. They went about the routine like they had all the previous sessions, making jokes and just talking.

Until they reached the potions and (Y/n) suddenly began to smell Sirius' cologne, it was unmissable for her, it reminded her of the boy she had unintentionally fallen for. But then the smell began to mix with the smell of butterbeer and the common room. "Really Sirius? Did you have to spray your cologne now? It's so bloody strong." Then without missing a beat, Sirius responded, "Says you I can smell your perfume from here, and that gum you keep complaining about because your mum won't send you more."

There was a silence that weighed in the air, as both of them were processing what this meant. Then it simultaneously dawned on them, Amortentia. Without any hesitation, they met in the middle of the room and pressed their lips together. The kiss was gentle but passionate, it release all the longing and yearning they had been holding for so long.

They then broke away from each other and smiled, relieved that they no longer had to hold the dread of fearing rejection.

"Sirius?" "Yeah?" "The quicker we get this done, the quicker you can go back to ignoring my existence." Sirius smiled upon hearing the passive-aggressive statement before replying, "You can't get away from me that easily, love."

[dexiao]

Business trip (m) | Xiao Dejun

Synopsis: Y/N and Dejun worked together for 8 years as book editors and never got along, but they’re forced to travel together to a small town and get stuck there because of a snowstorm.

Pairing: Xiao Dejun x female reader

Words: 4.9k

Genre: Book editors!au, light angst, tiny bit of fluff, smut

Warnings: safe sex, oral (female receiving), handjob (male receiving) 

A/N: I guess this took me about 3 weeks or more to write because I just ran out of inspiration, and then when I finally got inspiration again I was super busy with college stuff. About the plot, I think it showed a bit of dominance from Dejun, BUT if I decide to keep writing in this same universe/context, it’ll probably show a lot more of a sub!Xiaojun (I just get these vibes, idk?). Anyway, I hope you enjoy it! Please let me know your opinion and/or if you found any mistakes!

This is a work of fiction. It does not portray the real personality of the member.

Books are probably my favorite thing on Earth besides my dog. I love the thought of living surrounded by books because it made me feel safe. Thus, it made just perfect to sense to work as a book editor.

In general, I felt satisfied about my job. I mostly did things I enjoy and with people I feel comfortable with – except by one other editor, Xiao Dejun. We were hired at the same time, 8 years ago, and never really got along.

At first, I tried my best to be nice and friendly to him – just like I acted with everyone else at the company – and he seemed to buy it for some time, until he changed overnight and started acting like a bitch. And by ‘acting like a bitch’ I don’t mean only not doing any favors I asked him. Actually, he wouldn’t do the bare minimum, like holding the elevator door or answering the telephone for me when I went to the restroom.

So you can imagine how co-working with him must be the least likeable thing about my job. That’s what made me angrier when our boss demanded that we traveled together.

“Don’t even look at me with those faces.” John, the boss, stated. “You both know Dejun is our best editor on thriller stories and Y/N is best with dealing with people. Especially in this case that the writer never published anything on his entire life.” I sighed and noticed Dejun getting ready to complain as Johnny made a brief pause. “I know you to are my best choice. I don’t give a shit if you hate each other because I trust both of you as professionals.”

That settled it.

And that’s why we traveled to Irisburg in the middle of the winter in the first place.

It took about 3 hours by car – I was driving – to get to the small town. The trip was silent most of the time, the only sounds being my Arctic Monkeys playlist, the car’s engine and eventually the rain pouring.

Dejun and I talked strictly talked about the reason of the trip and nothing else. In other words, we talked for about 15 minutes only, and avoided saying anything for the rest of the time.

The meeting lasted around 2 hours. Since the writer was a beginner, we had to explain everything about how the company works, his rights and duties. I’d hypocritical if I didn’t admit John was right. Dejun and I conducted the reunion very well.

The problem was that during the meeting, an unexpected snowstorm began. We were fully clothed, prepared to face the cold weather, but not to face the road block due to the snow. Needless to say we both were pissed off by the situation.

“Maybe we should call John.” Dejun suggested. “Tell him about the meeting and about this.”

“You’re right.” I said, already reaching for my phone.

“As always.”

I rolled my eyes at his words, pressing the call button and discovering that my phone was out of service.

“Oooh hell, no. This can’t be.” I widened my eyes at Dejun, who was staring at me with a confused expression. “Is your phone working?”

Dejun checked his phone.

“Fuck, no.”

I took a deep breath and ran a hand through my hair.

“Let’s find somewhere we can use a phone, then.”

“Alright, and keep calm.” Dejun said, the stress palpable in his tone.

“I am calm, I’m just frustrated.” I replied, keeping my eyes on the road and looking for somewhere we could stop at.

“I was telling that to myself.”

After a few minutes we stopped at a convenience store. I went straight to the restroom to wash my face and try to calm down. Though I tried not to show that to Dejun, I was really nervous about being stuck in this town.

A moment later, I exited the restroom and found Dejun talking to the cashier, seeming worried. As the cashier glanced at me, Dejun turned around to face me as well.

“It seems like we have no way out. All roads are blocked until the snow stops and the streets are cleaned. Even if we call Johnny, there’s nothing to do.” He stated.

“That is great, really. Is there even a hotel in this fucking town?”

“There is one three blocks from here.” The cashier said, obviously containing a laugh at my reaction.

“Thank you, Zack.” Dejun replied and walked towards me, lowering his voice and putting a hand on my arm. “Look, Y/N. I don’t like this situation either, but it could be worse. At least we won’t have to sleep in your car.”

Although what I interpreted from his sentence was more like ‘at least we won’t have to sleep together’, I had to admit Dejun was right again, so I exhaled heavily. So I gave up, feeling my shoulders shrink.

“Let me just grab some coffee and then we can go, alright?”

“Sure.” He smiled briefly. “Maybe we should eat too.”

So we ended up eating sandwiches and drinking coffee at the convenience store, complaining about the situation and grabbing some snacks for the night. We ran to the car, trying to protect from the wind and the snow the best way we could.

As we entered the hotel, I already noticed how modest it was. The building only had three floors, no elevator and the decoration was very simple. The receptionist was a man who seemed to be around 50 years old.

“Good evening, how may I help this beautiful couple?” He smiled. I looked at Dejun in amusement, just to see his face becoming red.

“Actually we’re not a couple.” I responded, smiling fondly. Dejun waited behind me. “We’d like two single rooms.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to offend. But we only have one room left and only has a double bed.” I felt my expression change at his words.

“Isn’t there a couch or a spare mattress?” Dejun asked, coming closer to the table.

“There isn’t, I’m sorry.” The man answered, visibly apologetic.

“It’s ok. You can have the room, I’ll sleep on the car. Just let me take a shower.” I suggested.

Dejun nodded and the man gave us the key to room n. 23.

Dejun and I climbed up the stairs to room n. 23 in silence.

I unlocked the door and we both stepped in, taking a good glance at the room.

It wasn’t that bad. The bed had lilac sheets. There were some flyers, a lamp and a vase with artificial peonies on top of the nightstands on both sides of the bed. There was a desk and a chair close to the window, and an open wardrobe with blankets and towels.

“Do you want to shower first? I don’t mind” He asked, walking towards a nightstand to look at the flyers.

“Alright.”

I grabbed a clean towel and threw it over my right shoulder, heading to the bathroom. When I opened the door, I realized another issue.

“Actually…” I turned to Dejun, who mindfully read something. “I just realized I don’t have clean clothes to put on.”

He furrowed his eyebrows and mouth.

“Crap, me neither.”

I dropped the towel on the chair and closed the bathroom door again, sighing.

“Maybe we should ask the receptionist if there’s a Target or something nearby.” I suggested, already grabbing my purse and walking out of the room. Dejun followed me.

It turned out that there’s wasn’t a Target nor anything nearby. We ended up back to the convenience store from before. And there weren’t many options on what to buy.

It was pretty compelling to browse for clothes with someone I am not close at all. Knowing each other and working together for years never made that.

Therefore, I left the store with new panties, sweatpants and a hairbrush. Dejun also bought underwear and sweatpants (matching colors with mine since there were only gray pants on sale), along with razor blades.

Back in the hotel, Dejun started laughing as we entered the room. So I raised my eyebrows at him.

“You gotta admit, Y/N. Even though we don’t get along, we’ll have a lot of stories to tell from this event.”

I let out a breathy laugh and went to the shower.

As the hot water poured on my body, I tried to keep my mind from becoming paranoid. Everything would be alright. I would sleep in the car, get up by the sunrise, drink coffee and read my book at the convenience store until the snow melted, and by tomorrow noon we would be back home.

Out of the shower, I dressed up and blow dried my hair as quick as possible. When I left the bathroom, Dejun stood by the window, with the towel hanging on this neck.

Our eyes met and he went straight to the bathroom after realizing it was his turn, but stopped before closing the door and faced me again.

“What do you think about having dinner here? It’s getting late and I doubt there’s any place we can go by now. Besides, I took a peek at the menu and it seems pretty decent.”

“Can I think about it while you shower?” I asked, pondering the pros and cons of just eating the snacks I bought previously.

“Sure.” He said and closed the door.

I laid in the bed and reached for the menu flyer from the nightstand.

I opened my eyes and frowned, not remembering where I was for a moment. I had been sleeping for who knows how much time. Dejun was at the door, talking to someone. I sat on the bed and rubbed my eyes, hearing him shut the door.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.” He stated, apologetic. He held a tray with pizza and coke. Also, Dejun was wearing glasses, which he never did at the company. And he looked pretty good like that. In sweatpants, glasses, hair still a little wet. A pretty domestic sight to look at.

“It’s okay, I’m sorry for sleeping too.” I smiled, feeling shy.

“Anyway, since you were asleep I ordered pizza for us.” He motioned his head towards the table where he left the tray.

On top of the chair in front of the table laid a wet towel, that I supposed was Xiao’s since I left mine next to me on the bed.

Then I realized that it remained untouched. It was almost one hour and forty minutes since Dejun entered the shower, so he must have been sitting on that chair all of this time.

That made me feel even more ashamed of falling asleep.

“Y/N, is everything ok?” He asked, sitting on the chair.

“Oh, sure! Just let me wash my face before we eat ‘cause I’m still half asleep.” I responded, grabbing the towel next to me and heading to the bathroom, hearing Xiao laugh.

I hung the towel on the shower stall and threw the cold water on my face, feeling more awake instantly.

As I left the bathroom, Dejun had already opened the pizza box and brought it to the bed, the glasses of coke on one of the nightstands.

He zapped mindlessly through the TV channels, stopping in a Sandra Bullock movie.

We ate sitting on the bed, legs crossed like kids.

Grabbing my second slice of pizza, I decided to not let the meal be silent as most of the day had been.

“You know, Dejun, this situation sucks. But I have to admit that I underestimated you. I am enjoying being with you.” I said, looking at the pizza before taking a bite. Xiao raised one eyebrow at my words.

“You say this but you literally slept like 90% of the time we spent here.” He replied, teasingly. I rolled my eyes and he stretched his arm to grab the glasses of coke, handing me one.

I took a sip immediately, but Xiao put his glasses on top of his head like a tiara before drinking, leaving me with a confused expression. Realizing that I glanced at him, he explained.

“It sprinkles on the lenses if I drink anything sparkling with glasses on.”

“Oh, I see.” I nodded. “I never saw you using glasses at the company.”

“I don’t. I wear contact lenses most of the time.”

“Really? But you look good in glasses.”

Dejun’s surprised face and laugh made me realize what I just said, feeling my face become red and looking down. Cursing mentally, deciding it was best to keep the silence that reigned previously starting from now.

“Well, thank you, Y/N.” He said, still giggling a little. “You’re not bad yourself.”

After one more slice of pizza, I was full. Dejun was still eating the second slice, a lot slower than me.

“I guess it’s time to go now.” I spoke, getting up from the bed and going to pick up my stuff.

Xiao grabbed my arm and I looked at him in a jolt, my eyes meeting his brown ones.

“Already?”

My eyes shifted from his face to his hand on my arm before I could think of an answer, and he let go of the grip visibly more shy.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that…” He began, scratching the back of his neck. “… you seemed so tired, you drove a lot and will have to drive again tomorrow. The car isn’t a proper place to rest.”

I stood static for a few seconds.

“Are you sure? We’d have to share the bed.” I said, timidly.

“Yeah, we’re both adults. Besides, you already said you find me attractive, so I suppose it’s not a problem to you.”

I rolled my eyes and went back to picking up my things, pissed at his comment.

“You’re so full of yourself.” I mumbled.

“For fucks sake, do you know what a joke is, Y/N?” He said exasperatedly.

“Apparently I’m the joke to you.”

Xiao grunted and though I wasn’t looking at him, I could imagine him rolling his eyes just as I did before. He moved to sit on the edge of the bed, resting elbows on his knees.

“You’re such a drama queen sometimes! You can’t even stand to read a few words without falling asleep, how well rested do you think you will be tomorrow after sleeping in a car in this fucking freezing weather?”

“So what the hell do you want me to do?” I practically yelled, closing my eyes, taking a deep breath and sitting on the chair before looking at him again.  

He didn’t answer but kept staring at me, and I calmed down after a while of silence. The tension was palpable in the air.

Momentarily, I let my eyes drop to Dejun’s mouth.

Realizing my stare, Dejun licked his lips and I opened mine involuntarily before searching for his eyes. Dejun brought his face closer to mine and spoke in a low, soft tone.

“I want you to kiss me.”

He slowly shifted his gaze to my lips and brushed softly the back of his left hand against my right cheek. I breathed heavily, inhaling his citric perfume, before leaning closer to him, blank minded and only feeling a sudden need to lick his inviting lips.

I rested my left hand on his thigh to support myself, closing my eyes as I felt our lips touch.

Dejun’s mouth was half open and I could sense the warmth and humidity of his tongue, making me crave for contact. I sighed and slipped the tip of my tongue to touch his lips, feeling myself salivate at the sensation. Dejun lodged one his hands close to my nape and the other on my waist, and I felt my heart rate increase due to the way he held me tighter.

I gasped as Xiao’s tongue touched mine and deepened the kiss. It was wet and slow, allowing us to savor each other’s mouth. My hands reached for his hair, pulling it lightly so he would realize that I was enjoying it. After a few moments, I broke the kiss and moved back a little, opening my eyes and gazing at his face.

His cheeks had a light blush and lips were flushed as well, lust showing in his eyes wide open. The most beautiful I’ve ever seen Dejun be.

“Is this what you wanted?” I whispered.

“That’s not even close to what I wanted, Y/N.” Xiao responded, elevating his tone. I frowned, looking down and distancing myself more at his words, unable to avoid feeling insufficient, as I couldn’t satisfy his wish. Both his hands cupped my face, forcing me to look at him again. “I want to kiss you so much that your body will get tender. I want to kiss every inch of your skin until you melt under my lips, I want to hear you whine because of my touches. I want you to wrap your hands around my neck and tell me how you never felt so good.”

Dejun’s gaze fell on my lips again, as if asking for permission accomplish his cravings, so I closed my eyes in a silent consent.

The next thing I felt was his lips crashing on mine again, in a rougher and more intense kiss then before. His hands grabbed my thighs, motioning me to go onto his lap. I got up and kneeled on the bed, one leg on each side of him, lowering my body to position on top of his hip. By this time, Xiao’s hands traveled up to my waist to guide me.

However, he didn’t mean for me to be on top of him, since he turned us both around, making me lay on the bed and positioning his body in the middle of my legs. His mouth descended to my jaw and neck, leaving a hot trail of open mouthed kisses and licks. Hands traveled from my waist to my thighs, squeezing the flesh. I could feel my panties becoming damp, curling my toes in desire.

“And you know what else I want, Y/N?” He asked, pressing his bulge against my pelvis, making groan at the feeling. I shook my head in denial as he kept grinding on my body. “I want to eat you out every fucking day at the office. I want your sighs to be because of me and not anything else. You look so pretty all focused on work, makes me insane thinking on how many ways I could tease you to distraction.”

“Fuck, Dejun.” I moaned, pressing his head closer to my neck and forcing my torso along his slightly toned body, one of my hands entering under the collar of his t-shirt. Dejun lightly bit my neck before getting away, removing his jacket. I removed my hand from his skin and ran it through his upper body, feeling his muscles become stiff under my touch.

He leaned and pressed a kiss on my stomach, then started to lift up my blouse. I rose my body in order to help, head standing close to Xiao’s. As he finished taking my top off, Xiao went in for another kiss, hands moving to my chest and squeezing my breasts beneath the bra.

I tugged at his t-shirt, attempting to take it off. Dejun undressed the piece of cloth and turned around, dropping it behind his body.

It was beautiful to see. Dejun’s now obvious erection pointed through his sweatpants. His light torso muscles contracted by turning around. When he faced me again, I couldn’t help but pull him closer, embracing his waist with my legs and his neck with my arms, craving for the sensation of his skin upon mine. Xiao started rolling his hips against my pelvis, so I kissed his neck to block the noises from coming out of my mouth. I could feel the outline of his member teasing me over the clothes.

His hands ran by the sides of my body and teased the waistband of my pants. He squeezed my thighs and butt, exposing his desire to take the piece off by the way he massaged the flesh from top to bottom.

I removed my legs from around him and positioned each foot on the bed, keeping knees flexed.

“Take these off.” I whispered.

Xiao raised his body a little, allowing me to lift my hips and help him undress me. He slid the piece along my legs, moving back. Only in bra and panties I completely laid down again. Dejun moved his head back until right above my right knee, sticking out his tongue and licking the inner part of my leg until reaching my underwear. The sensation of his hot and humid tongue close to my center made me involuntarily contract my abdomen in anticipation.

“Can I take these off to?” He asked, looking at me again while rushing his index finger on the edge of the cloth.

“Hm-hmm.” I nodded, preparing to lift my hips again.

He grabbed each side of the panties and slid it off at once, coming back licking the inner part of my left leg as he did to the right. One of his hands reached from under my thigh and pressed right under my bellybutton to keep me still, in a way that my leg rested on his shoulder.

I closed my eyes as I felt his breath hit my pussy, in expectation of contact. But it didn’t come.

I looked at Xiao’s amused expression between my legs. He held a devilish smile looking back at me.

“Can I?” He asked, pressing a kiss to my left inner thigh, so close to my core I could barely notice the difference.

“Please, Dejun-”

His tongue finally met my clit in soft circular and licking motions, and I felt a wave of warmth through my body, letting out a subtle moan. His free hand moved to my entrance, teasing.

“I wish I could have you like this every day.” He mumbled, distancing his head a bit to massage my clit with his fingers. His chin and lips glowed from my wetness. He licked his lips and moved his fingers down to my entrance again and penetrating me with his middle finger. We both bit our lips at the same time, and I closed my eyes as he started trusting his finger in and out. After a few trusts I felt an emptiness and attempted opening my eyes again, but stopping from being overwhelmed with the pleasure of Dejun sliding two fingers in and returning his mouth to my clit

His fingers curled against my walls and his mouth was now much more feral the before. He licked and sucked firmly at the spot, giving me continuous delight. My legs started to contract from the sensation, toes curled as I opened my eyes to watch Dejun eating me out.

Xiao’s eyes were both open and staring directly at my face, making me twitch and unleash a slow and heavy moan. I supported myself on one elbow and the other hand moved to grab Dejun’s hair. I could feel my eyebrows furrow against my will every time he pressed his mouth a little harder against me.

By the grab on his hair I pushed myself upon his face and rolled my hips. Dejun was clearly surprised, raising eyebrows and letting out a hum on my skin, enhancing the pleasure with the vibration from his voice. As he tried to repeat the act, I pushed him away by the forehead. His expression changed to confusion.

“I don’t want to come yet.” I explained, still gasping.

Dejun nodded and bent to kiss my lips, tasting saltier than before. I grabbed his jaw, willing to feel with my hand the arousal that covered his face, making it slippery. He supported his body with his arms by the sides of my head, pressing his erection against my dripping pussy.

“Dejun?” I whispered, breaking the kiss.

“Hmm?”

“Can I ride your cock?”

Dejun gasped at my question, immediately rolling to the side and pulling me on top of him. His back rested against the headboard and his arms circled my body, giving licks and kisses on my neck and around my collarbones. I felt his hands unclasp the bra before his kisses moved to my naked breasts. At first he just softly licked around the left nipple, circling it with his tongue, then tried his best to fit all he could from the boob inside his mouth, still moving his tongue against the skin.

At the same time, my nails scratched his back and nape, and I rolled my hips on top of his rock hard bulge.

Dejun’s hands fell to my butt, squeezing each side and pressing my body down in an attempt to guide my movements. With my right hand, as he distanced a little in order to regain his breath, I tugged at his waistband. All I could think of was Dejun’s cock filling me up, but the clothes in the way and his grip weren’t helping.

Xiao understood what I wanted and released my hips, so I lifted myself and he pulled both pants and underwear until the middle of his thighs. His gray pants had a large wet stain, and as he took it off his dick jumped up, hitting his abdomen. I licked my lips at the thought of how helpless he looked.

“Do you have a condom?” I asked. He nodded and pointed at the wallet on top of the table. I stood up to reach for it and threw it to Xiao, who urgently caught the small package inside.

Back on top of him, I took the condom off his hands. However, before sliding it along his shaft, I grabbed it by the base and pumped a couple of times, anxious to touch Xiao as closely as he touched me. He closed his eyes and groaned, before staring at me again almost angrily.

I slid the condom down his cock and positioned it on my entrance, trying to smear it with my arousal. As I sank down, we both cursed under our breaths. I closed my eyes for a while as I adjusted to his size. When I opened them again, Dejun’s gaze laid on my face, his hands just resting on my thighs.

I leaned to lick his lips and hold his shoulders, but Xiao only received my tongue inside his mouth and mindlessly sucked at it. I moaned loudly and began moving on his cock, feeling his grip tighten on my legs.

Dejun also started trusting into me in small movements, making me groan once again and break the kiss. He held my gaze at his eyes, so dark and full of desire, the effort causing him to contract his forehead. His lips were pink and plump, I couldn’t avoid the thought of him sucking my fingers.

As this image filled my head, I felt myself clench around his member. Xiao moaned loud and beautifully, leaning in an attempt to kiss me again. Never mind how bad I wanted to feel those lips on mine, I interrupted him with hand on his chest.

“I’m not gonna kiss you anymore. I want to hear those beautiful moans.” I explained, leaning to kiss his neck right under his left ear before even seeing his reaction, causing another moan, now lower, to come out his mouth.

After a few more moments, my legs started to feel tired, the I leaned back to have a bit of release on my thigh muscles. At my movement, Dejun, who had more space to move, began trusting deeper and I could perfectly sense his dick coming in and out of me, coated with my juices.

My abdomen started contracting and I knew my climax had its way.

“Fuck, Dejun, I’m close.” I warned, gasping.

He moved one hand to my clit, massaging it with his thumb in circular movements. Added to his hip moves, it was enough to trigger my orgasm. I clenched and felt my whole body contract and tremble on top of him, then feeling Xiao reach his on high as his cock pulsated inside of me.

I let out a breathy laugh while looking at Xiao’s fucked out face, messy hair and all sweaty. Anyway, I lifted my body to slip out of him and pressed a kiss on his lips, cupping his face in my hands.

“Maybe sleeping here isn’t such a bad idea after all.” I chuckled. Dejun opened a bright smile, putting his arms on my waist.

“You should’ve know I was right.” He joked, making me playfully roll my eyes.

“But we’re gonna need another shower anyway.” I said, laying by his side in contradiction to my words.

We kept staring at each other as our bodies cooled down and Dejun became soft, so he stopped patting my hair and went for a shower. As he was entering the bathroom, I called him.

“Dejun?”

“Yes?” He turned his face to me.

“With this tongue of yours, I’ll let you eat me out at the office whenever you want.” I smiled. Dejun laughed and shook his head before closing the door.

[imaginaryhuman]

Insecurities, Fortitude and the Unfortunate Phenomenon of Gatekeeping

Note:

1. I'm trying to not be afraid of my own opinions (this will probably get a different word wall)

2. This isn't a hot take or a "permanent opinion". It's just...current. I think opinions fit a dynamic mold. Or I think it should since circumstances change and experiences can change thought processes.

3. My initial draft for this was a lot more aggressive and angry. When I started writing, I thought I would only tackle the one thing I was very familiar with (insecurities), then I read an article that miffed me a bit because of the gatekeeping vibes, and for a while, I was angry about it but then I realized how common it was. I've heard it from my brothers, I've experienced it with fandoms, with books, with cooking, and with running. There's even a subreddit for it! 👀

It's not like I'd wake up one day and it will be gone. Still, it does push me a few steps back when it comes to conquering slight misanthropy. But it matters to me to say this cause I grew up seeing myself as some last draw.

_____________________________________________________________

"I feel most responsible for myself when I'm insecure" I've wanted to expound on this for a while so here goes:

I've grown to have an intimate (and rather painful) relationship with insecurities. I was a sickly child so I would be in and out of hospitals so frequently that establishing young friendships didn't come easy. Some kids didn't take kindly to impermanence too and it's not anyone's fault. It just happened to be that way. Growing up, I came to realize that I wasn't exactly great at anything. Had I not been exposed to extraordinary minds, maybe I would have come to terms with it much kindly except I wasn't. I always thought that people around me were brilliant, smart, and talented (until now). To the point where I felt the need to alienate myself from it all so I could remain in the forefront of my own mind.

Comparisons come naturally but having them weigh on you is a different ball game altogether. Learning ways out of it is always challenging because insecurities aren't just a singular form of monster-- Sometimes it's about the future, sometimes it's body image, sometimes it's the gripping idea of not being enough for anything you love and it's all so cursed and horrible.

There was that time when more things were piled up on the mental shelving. I was talking shit about someone. Sure, people do it all the time but I think that time I was... viciously and purposelessly nitpicking. Everything I could say about that person, I said it. Totally not proud of that moment and a friend thought so too! First, they told me to shut the fuck up. Just like that, really. Next is they pointed it out. As in told me "V, you have a problem and it's really fine being a total hater but you're not usually like this with other things you dislike. What's wrong?" and then we EXPLORED. Doing this can be so cringe a lot of times but hey, we face the music in this club! I was happy to not be thinking about it alone and the experience made me learn a new way of confronting things and issues that make me feel insecure.

We talked about the whats, whys, and hows of being one hell of a hater and how even if certain reasons are justified. Like, okay, someone did something bad to you and you hate them for it? That's totally valid. Do you find certain traits a bit off your tastes? that's valid too! But even if they are valid feelings, most of the time it's not enough to justify certain actions. The thing is, we don't really have the right to be so up in someone's business about every little thing they do. It's frustrating and I feel like a hypocrite saying this sometimes because I have the obsessive compulsion to keep everyone at arm's length but I feel like there's a parameter where peoples' businesses either become something welcome or becomes a blip on a radar that I'd aggressively shoot down. Although I know that my radar can get too wide and that I need some willpower to hold back snark and suspicion. What can I say, I'm weak to any notions of ill-intent (a byproduct of assault).

But fortitude would sometimes come from borrowed words:

"Don't deny yourself what you think but don't do yourself a disservice by not figuring out what it really is about"

I was told then. To be truthful but exercise tact (I'm neither tactful, clever nor silent hence the trouble that follows) and to be mindful of the undercurrents of my thoughts. I think it's important to take a step back and at least ask yourself the most honest and genuine whys.

Insecurity has a bad rep and is too often used derogatorily for something so common and rather natural. But I feel that ultimately, insecurity stems from an understanding of what you don't have and the frustration of having aspirations. Having aspirations being a good thing but the frustration makes us people act up in so many different ways. For me, insecurities have primarily manifested themselves through the urge to just hide everything that makes me happy because I couldn't (and it's still hard to) stand digs at the things I do to keep me sane. Plus I've always thought them (happy things) few and temporary so that's that. Younger me was weird about it omg.

The rule in this house now though is to express what makes me happy and I think I've saved up a bit of grit to not allow myself to be gatekept (by others and by myself**) from those happy things! I love a lot of things (baking, running, reading, pets, anime & manga, drawing...) and the gatekeeping going on with all those? Surprisingly plenty! A totally different word block (that I won't write because I think this has to be put to rest here), really, and also a total nightmare. But how it applies in the realm of insecurities is... Oh, boi. Ignore it-- it's just bad news as it is strong fuel to a fire you don't want to keep going. If you love doing what you do and you're not hurting anyone then just keep going. I know for a fact that the things I love doing are loved by many others too because running? Creating things? Reading? These are things worth loving without it having to be a competitive chore (If you wanna challenge goals though then hey! Good on you! YOU CAN DO IT!)

Draw your lines, plan your layering in a way that fits your style. Use the tools that work for you. Put on your shoes and get going. I'm only particular with speed because I want to get better (and lol I am not fast) but just being out there and moving? That's already running. Fail some recipes or nail em, whatever happens, just try. Fangirl over what you wanna fangirl about! Post it on your IG and all your other socials. A rather horrifying realization is that no matter what you do, someone's gonna take a dunk at ya. Worse, you can be intentionally approached and engaged for that purpose primarily. It's okay (not really but... if it happens, it happens ). Even if you're used to it, it will still get to you but maybe less and less through time. When the voice of apprehension guides you to retaliate in the most painful way you know, just keep the fear at bay and be strong to not let that urge take over your words and actions. Be frustrated! It's fine! And I really don't support self-harm so please don't misunderstand when I say that when it comes to fear and insecurity, there's a lot you have to take on yourself so you don't hurt others. A lot to unpack between you and your brain. There are people who can love you without patronizing you and those you can trust to reign you in when you lose better judgment. Be honest and let them in.

Have that conversation.

//

Extras:

- AH! But I got to say this cause I also saw a post that said "if you haven't ran 50 to 100 miles, you don't know what a hard run is" wow. Fuck that guy. Actually, don't. He's probably not a fun date.

- this: "you can be intentionally approached and engaged for that purpose primarily" is from experience. An extra worse thing is to be vilified for retaliating. Like...was I just supposed to sit there and take it?

- I used to not like motivational quotes! I mean, I'm alright with them now for sure! We were talking about them and I was asked "What's wrong with properly credited borrowed words? You use them all the time since you like referencing songs." and it was like a tunnel of light appeared before me! Sorry for those whose post I've frowned at! I had an angst phase! I am very genuinely sorry 🙏🏻

[fishfingersandjellybabies]

Shadows of the Neon Lights - fic

Characters: Jason Todd, Damian Wayne Summary: He didn’t know what was more surprising - that someone else had come after him, or that it was Jason Todd, of all people, trying to stop him from killing. A/N: For Patreon supporter Leydy! Happy birthday sweet human, and thank you for all your support and kindness! You’re amazing! This is obviously some time after the Teen Titans Annual 2 confrontation/after Ric and Alfred’s death.

~~

He had the man right where he wanted. A wannabe serial killer who hadn’t found his stride yet, but already killed three sex workers. Each in a different way, so no one had found the connection yet.

But Damian had.

He’d followed him for days, and now he had him next to the dumpster behind the strip joint he was casing for his next victim.

The man was sniveling and crying. Begging for his life as Damian pressed the dagger against his throat.

Damian didn’t care. This bastard deserved it.

So he smiled, and pulled the knife back. Then spun it to grasp it in his fist, aimed it to plunge right into the man’s chest.

One less scumbag in the world.

But right as he began to drop his hand, a gunshot rang out, and the blade shattered in his fingers.

The man shrieked, and Damian jumped back with a curse. He glanced over as the Red Hood strolled out of the alleyway, dramatically blowing the smoke from his gun’s barrel.

“What’d he do?” Jason asked carefully, removing his helmet.

“Killed three women. Staking out a fourth.” Damian snapped. “But that doesn’t matter to you, he’s my ki-”

Jason’s gun went off again. The man jerked once, then collapsed to the ground, a hole between his eyebrows.

“Not your kill.” Jason hummed. “Robin doesn’t have kills.”

“In case you haven’t heard.” Damian drawled, kicking at the now-dead man’s leg as he stepped over him. “I’m not Robin anymore.”

“Yeah, B told me.” Jason shrugged, and that seemed to just make Damian more annoyed. “What’s up with that?”

Damian scoffed, crossed his arms and turned to look down the alley behind him. “Like you care.”

“I do, actually. You’re my kid brother, whether either of us like it or not.” Jason countered. “And even I’m not so stubborn as to ignore the fact that we’ve all been through a lot lately. It takes a toll.” Jason glanced down at him. “And no one’s checked in with you about it all, have they?”

Damian refused to look at him. “You said Father told you.”

“He did. But I don’t take his word for anything.” Jason smirked. “…I do believe him on the you not being Robin anymore, and also going on a killing spree thing, though.”

“It’s not a spree.” Damian hissed. “It’s what needs to be done.”

“But not by you.” Jason argued. “I thought Dickie got you off that path.”

Damian turned away from him completely now.

“…Ah. So Bruce was telling the truth.” Jason murmured. “This really is about what happened to Dick and Alfred.”

Damian didn’t answer. Stared down at the dead body.

“What happened wasn’t your fault.” Jason promised. Then he lowered his voice. “Especially not to Alfred.”

“I was there. I should have done something.” Damian whispered.

“You were tied up and unconscious.” Jason tried, stepping forward. “What were you supposed to do?”

“Fight back. Literally, anything.” Damian returned. “But what I didn’t do then, I’m doing now.”

“Killing them before they hurt too many, or anyone else.” Jason nodded. “In their honor, right?”

“I suppose.”

“You weren’t there for Dick’s situation.” Jason crossed his arms now too. Thoughtfully. “How were you supposed to stop that one?”

“Killed KGBeast when he became a known player.” Damian decided. “He would have been dead years ago, so unavailable to take the mission.”

“Sure, then someone else would have been asked to do it.” Jason sniffed. “And then they might have been a better shot.”

Damian didn’t respond to that. Didn’t move. Jason glanced him over, checked for any injuries or illness. Kid seemed fine at a glance. Just dirty, clothes starting to wear out. A few new holes that probably weren’t there when he started this little crusade.

Jason sighed.

“They wouldn’t want this for you, Damian.” Jason whispered. “Alfred or Dick.”

“Well, they’re not here to stop me, are they?” Damian snapped. His arms were still crossed, but now he seemed to bend in on himself. Hug himself.

“No, they’re not.” Jason agreed. “But I am.”

That made Damian turn around in surprise.

“And yes, before you whine about it, I’m fully aware it makes me a hypocrite.” Jason raised his hands in defense. “But we’ve lost enough this year. Excuse me if I’m not keen on adding you and your morality to that damn list.”

“…It’s what needs to be done.” Damian murmured sadly. “And Batman refuses to do it. That’s why, after all these years he’s been active, Gotham is still a hellhole. That’s why he loses those he claims to love time after time after damn time.”

Jason nodded. “Then I’ll do it. Not you.”

“I’m the most equipped to handle it!” Damian shouted now, stomping back at him. “I’ve been trained to do just this for my entire life!”

“And you shouldn’t have been!” Jason yelled back. “Talia should have protected you. Dick should have protected you better. Bruce should have talked to you about all this before he realized you’d already reached your fucking breaking point!”

“So then what else do you want me to do?!” Damian almost begged, tears welling up in his eyes. “Sit at home with the rest of you and grieve? Keep doing everything I was, like the only two people who ever cared about me weren’t ripped out of my life for no reason?!”

“I want you to slow down.” Jason said, tone instantly softer as he took hold of Damian’s shoulders. “I want you to let us take care of you.”

“Well I want to make sure no one goes through what we have.” Damian mumbled in return, the fight instantly leaving his system. “…What I have.”

“And I get that. I do.” He smiled and gestured to himself. “I mean, hello? I totally understand.” He let his smile drop. “But before we take care of everyone else, why don’t we try taking care of you first?” He paused for a second, squeezed Damian’s arms. “Why don’t we do it together?”

Damian just stared at him. “I can take care of myself.”

“Sure. Totally. So can I.” Jason winked. “But humour me. Just this once.”

Damian glanced down at Jason’s hands on his arms. “…You’re not going to let me go until I agree, will you?”

“You were taught better than to let your enemies get too close, remember?” Jason smiled.

Damian sighed and rolled his eyes. “Why do you care so much, Todd? What does it matter to you what I do?”

“Because as surprising as it may be, I don’t want you to end up like me.” Jason said honestly. A little too honestly for Damian’s taste. “You deserve better than… this.”

Damian looked him up and down. “…No I don’t.”

“A debate we can have later.” Jason laughed. “So, what do you say? Will you come home with me?”

Damian immediately jerked back in his hold, almost tripping over the dead body that Jason practically forgot was there. “No. No way.” He said immediately. “I am not going back to the manor.”

“Slow your roll, kiddo, you didn’t let me finish!” Jason called, reeling him back in. “You know I don’t live at the manor. When I say home, I mean come back to my home. A safehouse outside the city.”

Damian hesitated at that, eyeing Jason warily.

“I won’t even tell B that I found you, or that you’re with me.” Jason promised. “And I know you’re already itching to run. So at the very least, let me take you back to my place, get you a hot meal, a shower, and one decent night’s sleep. Then we’ll talk for real after that. Okay?”

Damian tilted his head, glancing up at the strip club in thought.

And it was a 50-50 chance that it would work. It could make the kid collapse in tears, or convince him to pull out that second knife Jason knew he had hidden on him and stab it into Jason’s throat. But he had to try. He had to.

“…It’s what Dick and Alfie would want you to do.”

To his surprise, Damian didn’t react immediately. Still kept his eyes upwards as he thought. Then, finally, he lowered his gaze to Jason. He blinked slowly, and Jason only now realized how tired the kid looked. Sad.

Lonely.

“Fine.” Damian said quietly after a moment. “I will take your food.”

Jason hadn’t realized his heart was tight with tension until it loosened at his words. He smiled and ruffled the kid’s hair as he stood, sliding his other hand down Damian’s arm until their fingers tangled together.

Damian didn’t even try to let go.

Jason glanced back at the dead man – who did deserve it, Damian wasn’t wrong about that – and made sure there was nothing around the body that would implicate Damian at least. When he saw nothing, he nodded and tugged the kid along behind him in the alleyway.

“Have any preference for dinner?”

“…Anything edible, I suppose.” Damian muttered  thoughtfully. As if on cue, his stomach rumbled lightly. Jason smiled sympathetically.

“Well, that rules out anything I know how to cook.” Jason joked. He heard Damian snort a laugh behind him. That was as good a start as any. “So how about we find some nice, greasy takeout instead?”

Damian squeezed his hand, and Jason took that as silent gratitude. A thanks he was too embarrassed to admit. “That sounds perfect.”

[travesty-majesty]

Logan’s Here!

Remus and Logan had started having meeting in the evenings every second day. Logan would venture through Roman’ side of the imagination (making sure he wasn’t caught) until he made it to Remus’ side, where Remus would have a documentary or something along the lines ready and waiting. Logan would sit down beside him as they pressed play. Around five minutes in, Logan would ask hoe Remus’ day went, and Remus would go off on a tangent that did start with his day, but then to wherever his mind went, often cutting himself off mid sentence.

And every time Logan arrived, Remus would loudly cheer “Logan’s here!” so Logan knew he was happy about it. Logan wasn’t the best with emotions,so Remus made his best efforts to help, although he tried to play it off as him being his usual energetic self.

So today shouldn’t have been any different, right?

They organised to meet at around 8pm each evening, which usually caused Thomas to have a mix of facts and intrusive thoughts in his head for the next few hours. So when Logan wasn’t there at 8:30pm, Remus was starting to get worried. Wow, Remus worried? That’s an accomplishment.

8:45. No Logan. Where was he? He wouldn’t have ditched Remus without telling him, that wasn’t like him. So where was he?

“Maybe he got lost. Yeah, that’s it! I did rearrange my half of the imagination yesterday. He probably can’t figure it out! Ha!”

He had a feeling he was wrong, but he shoved that feeling deep, deep down. Further down than his dick, than his feet, right to the core or the Earth where it’d probably burn up and die.

8:50.

8:55...

At 9pm, he finally felt a presence. He heard footsteps growing closer, albeit slower than Logan’s usual determined steps. He didn’t pay much mind to that, though. He sprung up and spun around.

“Yayy! Logan’s he-!”

Well, Logan was definitely here.

“H-Holy shit! Logan! Logie, Logan, I- what the fuck, what the fuck?!”

He sprinted over to Logan, who had limped his way over, a gash across his chest. 

“Remus- Remus, it’s fine, I’m fine... I’m a figment of Thomas’ mind, it isn’t fata-”

“Shut the fuck up for a second! I don’t care if it isn’t fatal or whatever, you're still fucking bleeding! How did this- how are you- are you ok?! Here, sit down! Holy shit...”

He guided Logan over to his couch, sitting him down carefully. Logan only winced slightly. “Yes, I’m OK... Just a small bit of pain, I’ll be OK.”

“I...” Remus was, admittedly, at a loss for words. He hadn’t expected this sorta thing tonight. He had expected Logan to come and sit down with him, and ask him how his day was while they watched a documentary about space. He hadn’t expected to see one of his intrusive thoughts formed in front of him.

“I- shit, I didn’t expect this! Like- what the fuck?!”

Swearing was his go-to stress reliever when he couldn’t kill something. And between you and me, he’d really rather not kill Logan.

“I-I was nit expecting to be attacked either, Remus... Do you have a first aid kit or something along the lines?” Logan asked. Remus nodded.

“Yeah, sure, one sec...” he conjured one up beside them and grabbed it. “You- did you say you were attacked?”

“Ah... Yes, unfortunately. I was caught on my way here, and... well, the interaction was not a pleasant one.”

Remus nodded silently for a second, thinking.

“Probably already know the answer, but... who did this?”

Logan grunted as Remus made his best effort at stitching Logan up. “You most likely already have an idea, but Roman. I-”

“I fucking knew it! That cock sucking, motherfucking, cockle doodle dick! I’m gonna kill him, I swear. He doesn’t just do shit like this and get away with it, lemme tell you that!” Remus yelled, willing to bet Thomas could probably hear him. 

“Remus, please. He didn’t do it on purpose. He was... frustrated, I suppose. It wasn’t an act of violence, I-”

“Not an act of violence, my ass! I-”

“As hypocritical as I am being with this statement, please attempt to restrain yourself from interrupting me, and I will do the same for you. I get enough of that up there.” Logan said, sighing.

“K, yeah. But, like- I just- I swear to whatever god there may or may not be, he doesn’t just do this and get away with it! Why did he feel the need to pull a- what, a sword, on you?!” Remus asked, finishing up and starting to pack away.

“Again, frustration, I suppose. When I explained to him, calmly, that I was making my way to your half of the imagination, he didn’t take it too well. I assume you can see where that went. Oh, and thank you, bye the way.”

“Huh?”

“For stitching me up. It would have been a lot harder to do on my own.”

“Oh, yeah. No problem, whale penis- I-I mean, Logan.” Remus said, sitting down properly beside Logan. “Are you ok, though? You had to make your way over here while literally fucking bleeding out! You must be super tired. Also, just for the record, this is once in a lifetime concern, so enjoy it while it lasts.” 

“Ahaha...” Logan laughed weakly. “Yes, I’ll be alright with a bit of rest. Would it be too much of a burden if I stayed over here overnight? I do not have much energy, so both rising up and walking would be exceptionally difficult-”

“Oh, you're staying here either way! Ya think I’m just gonna let you leave after you come to me like this? Hell no! You’re staying here and recovering, while we watch a documentary and maybe Big Hero 6 if we're up that late! We’ll see. Got it?”

Logan just looked at him for a second, and Remus thought that maybe he had been a bit too forceful with his approach. But then Logan smiled, and Remus relaxed.

“Ok, that sounds... ideal. Thank you, Remus.”

“Hehe... No problem, teach. Now, lemme get this started.”

“Ok. How was your day, by the way?”

“Well, aside from you getting fucking stabbed, let’s see...”

Sure, Logan had come to him wounded, but at least Logan was still here. He hated to think about what could have happened had Logan not have arrived, but now he didn’t have to. They’d both be fine.

Roman, however?

...Well, Remus could deal with him tomorrow.

(Based on a prompt I submitted to @ameliessanderssidesblog! Hope they don't mind me actually writing this out lol)

(I’m also gonna post this to my ao3 {Gravestone_Monarch} if you wanna check it out there! Reblogs definitely aren’t necessary but are greatly appreciated! See you round! ^^)

(plz dont tag as tw Duke or dukedontlook!)