#the whole thing is a mix between “oh. what were they thinking/neg” and “HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT WERE THEY THINKING/pos”

[clegfly]

just finished omori manga chapter 7 and i am DYING laughing. this shit isnt even bad anymore its just funny bad. oh my god

[demenior]

Dem’s Big Post About The Spn Fics Part 1/2

aka The Wrap Up to celebrate To Exist Again and To Become a Man now being finished!

(This will be a long post. This is your only warning.)

Admittedly this is a bit of a weird thing to be doing, but I wanted to try it out for 3 reasons: 

I love talking about my own work and 

It functions really well as a self-reflective tool for me to improve on, and 

I can answer some big questions people might have because there was a LOT of worldbuilding in these stories. 

We’ll start off with reflective stuff, and move into the juicier world-building focused stuff later into the post. There will be major spoilers for both fics to come!

To begin with a funny anecdote, Why Did I Write These Stories?

I was beginning to write and work out the story that I wanted to write for Spn (what will now be To Destroy a Man. As I was writing the scene, I realized I had a LOT of ideas and while I was trying to avoid as much exposition as I could, it became quickly apparent that I was needing to create my own au (this scene eventually became chapter 34 of To Become a Man). A short prequel seemed like a good idea, to quickly hash out the ‘prior’ events that I needed to go through so all the readers could be on the same page. While plotting out prequel points, I realized Sam and Dean were going to have drastically different experiences during the same time period, and I was trying to figure out who’s pov would be better for which scenes, and how to keep momentum when they’re going through such radically different types of changes. Ultimately I decided to split their povs, which I also thought would be a fun project! And I naively assumed each pov would take about 2 chapters each, rounding out to maybe 15k total.

I had my ending points: Dean n Cas soul-merged and (basically) married, Cas on the lam from heaven and a complete anomaly, and Sam juiced up full of powers and a weird mix of archangel and antichrist but still 100% human and ready to fight God. 

Now I needed to add weight to these changes, so I wrote 200k of build-up.

Am I proud of these fics?

OF COURSE I AM!!! These are the longest fics I’ve ever written AND finished AND in the fastest freakin turnaround ever (both were finished writing, barring edits, in like 6 months holy shit)

I didn’t write a single scene that I “didn’t” want to write. If I had trouble writing it, as in it was fighting me, I scrapped it. Most obviously was the scene in Dean’s pov where he and Sam were intended to meet some other hunters and Dean declines working with them because he’s nervous about being outed as queer. It was meant to be a good scene! I wanted to introduce some new characters! But it just wasn’t working so I said ‘thank you, next!’. 

But it means this story was an absolute joy to write. Because for a while all I was doing was ‘if I wanted to write one scene into supernatural, what would I write?’ and then just DID that!! It’s why there’s a lot of ‘Salmondean do dumb shit or have really dumb heartfelt conversations’ scenes.

Would I change anything?

If I’d been less eager to start sharing, I might have planned out the story beats a little tighter so there were less ‘soft’ chapters and a draw/pull for people to come back and keep reading. I felt Dean’s story specifically lagged at points and could have used some tighter editing (there was a noticeable lull in directed movement between Dean n Cas getting together, until Sam corrupts Amy).

I also probably would have held Sam’s story until I’d finished Dean’s so I could make the two line up better! Probably could have inserted more scenes into Sam’s fic that way, and made sure things were a little more consistent. In an ideal world one concept I had was to release 1 chapter from each pov every week that would correspond to the same time frame so we’d be getting real-time SalmonDean pov narrative. Unfortunately that didn’t work!

The biggest takeaway overall is for me to focus more on what moves the plot, and to make my scenes do more than 1 thing so I can cut down on wordcount and increase my efficiency. 

Of course every writer will find things they want to fix in anything they’ve ever written, so these are minor “mistakes” at best. I’m so dang proud of these fics. 

Onto more interesting things!

How Did I Put These Fics Together (because it’s different than anything I’ve ever done before)

Normally when I write a story, I plan out the beats I need to hit, see where I need to insert any kind of foreshadowing/buildup, and then write from A to B to C and so on and so forth. Hence, this is why I can normally post things as I complete chapters, because it’s all a linear progression. 

For these two stories, rather than linear plot/a normal story structure, I just sat and free-wrote any and every scene that came to mind and then pieced them into a kinda-linear form like putting a quilt together. You’ll note that this is why there’s not a lot of internal callback or a feeling of sense of time flowing within the fic (save for points where I went back and specifically edited it in). How long does the story take place over? Hard to say! Your author has the barest grasp on linear time even on a good day (how many times did I say ‘see you on [wrong day]’ at the end of chapters lmaaoooo)

This also meant EXTENSIVE editing on the back end once I decided in what order I wanted my ‘quilt pieces’ to be. Hard to say if this is a bonus or a negative!

But I did want to try and capture the vibe of the lives they lead, as a bit of a ‘slice of life’-style story, when the slice of life is the profound weirdness of the Winchester roaming life, and how things are status quo- until everyone almost dies oh shit!! And then they have to keep living because no therapy we die/undie like Winchesters. Do I think I captured this effectively? Hmm. Good question. 

Dem where the FUCK did the inspiration for a lot of the magic and creature weirdness even come from?

Honestly? Music, primarily. And completely mishearing lyrics!

Nightwish ‘Ever Dream’: the line is ‘my song can but borrow you grace’ and because my brain is scrambled eggs on a good day, I heard ‘grace’ ‘song’ and ‘borrow’ in that order and have had, for YEARS, the mental image of Cas borrowing Dean’s soul to power himself up for battle.

From there I’ve always been enamored with the ‘wavelength of celestial intent’ descriptor that Cas drops in s6 for “what he is”. 

I also really like ocean metaphors mostly because I’ve been obsessed with the ocean and things in it since I was like… 5??? So really this was me just rolling with what I know lmao. I love using (somewhat) accurate scientific metaphors for very intangible things!

I was also finishing my degree in biology/ecology while writing these fics and I think it shows

Stars ‘The Night Starts Here’ gives us the series title and the fic titles. Except for ‘To Exist Again’. TEA was almost titled ‘The Upwards Fall’ because I wanted all 3 of the Main Stories to have titles from this song, but I couldn’t make anything else work in tandem with the series name ‘The Love It Takes’ while also working for Sam’s personal story. So Sam, as always, is the rebel <3

Stars ‘Up In Our Bedroom, After The War’ is basically the vibes of the whole story. TFW has been, literally, to hell and back!!! There’s a bit of melancholy and sadness, a lingering dark, but the chance of a bright new tomorrow and a soft start.

Let’s Talk About Themes in The Story! What were you looking to accomplish? 

My earliest notes for TFW are, as follows:

Dean’s journey of self-discovery (who am I when I’m not trying to be Dad?)

Dean wants to settle down! He wants a big family! He wants to be domestic!

Basically: Dean doesn’t want to have a short life of hunting. He wants to live!

Dean’s journey of realizing he’s bi, and him accepting that

Dean’s relationship to Sam is both older brother/parent 

And continuing Dean balancing these roles while also letting Sam be an adult 

Dean’s Big Issues/Fears about never being good enough for people to want to stay with him (these are effectively highlighted in that Cas thinks he’s not useful enough to be wanted)

Sub Plot:

Castiel’s autonomy

Cas’ fall from grace, to trying to restore Heaven, to wrecking it further

He’s majorly depressed by the end of s7 (before purgatory)

Wants to stay in Purgatory but doesn’t tell Dean

Remains depressed after leaving, but resolved to keep living on because he’s clearly meant for something

After the seraphim reveal: does he have free will?! How does he grapple with this? How does he live in a way he can be proud of?

And lastly

Sam gets his powers back CAUSE THATS HOT

where tf did they go????

he got them from Lucifer?????

sleeper agent??????

Sam is The Chosen One

Accepts that he is More Than Human and to celebrate all parts of him

Lucifer and Sam friends?? Work together????

Sam needs autonomy in his choices/his life

If you compare these to the overall arc of TFW within the two stories, I think I got a lot of them! But you’ll also note a lot of these things aren’t concrete goals that are easily measurable (ex: Dean wants to learn to bake pie. In chapter 1 he starts a fire in the kitchen. By the end of the story he finally makes A Good Pie.) part of the lack of concrete milestones was why I felt it was important to tell Dean (and Cas’) story by going back to the point they meet, in s4! Dean’s gradual change towards his feelings for Cas, his relationship to Sam (heavily influenced by the s7 events of this fic) and then his own relationship with himself were such slow burns that I felt it would be a disservice to try and cram a change like that into a timeline like “1 year”.

I felt like these subtle changes and adjustments actually felt a lot truer to life-- people often change in very small, gradual ways over time, even without realizing it and often times not consistently! If only we could all gain skills like the sims, where we can easily level up and remain at that high level of performance! 

So the Guy Who Ate Satan, A Celestial Nuke that Developed Sentience, and Dean walk into a bar…

Sam’s story in Spn The Show has always been a ‘chosen one’ kind of narrative. Sam is living with one foot in the realm of the monsters, and I wanted to bring that back full force! It really makes sense for him that he should only continue to grow in power, might, and magic!! As the story progresses.

Cas also got a power up! I do desperately love in the show that he was kind of a grunt/nothing angel, and so even when he defected to TFW he was a huge help for them, but in the scale of things he was an annoying fly to most other angels. It really worked for the underdog story of s4/5. In this I wanted to give him a power up, and originally it was actually going to be close contact with Sam that eventually changed Cas into something unknown (you can still see traces of this in ch34 of TBAM, where Death remarks ‘Castiel could be [Sam’s] first creation’. But for a combo of reasons: how Sam’s magic needed to have intent, the entire concept of free will and consent, and how much I wanted Dean and Cas to have their effect on each other, I decided to go with the route that Cas has actually always been something angel-adjacent rather than becoming something new. TFW/Supernatural has always been about free will and making your own story, so I amplified that with Cas.

Dean has always been A Normal Guy, which is part of the appeal of him and Sam (2 normal dudes!) taking on the Very Not Normal. As explained above, Sam’s story is ‘normal guy finds out he’s the chosen one’ and so, in a story about very large concepts and huge monsters and acts of magic, I felt it was very important to keep Dean as normal as possible. To the point it became a running gag to me, personally, in that ‘no matter what cool shit happens around him, Dean has to stay as Just A Guy’. And it’s a very humanizing role that allows the story to have the scale it does!

What were the most important themes in your story?

Sam’s Autonomy

I wasn’t even going to include the plot about Lucifer’s death in this story— that was going to come up in a later story, actually! And rather than Sam having ate Lucifer, the original idea was that they’d become a SamandLucifer entity (this harkens back to a concept I wanted to write when Swan Song first aired). 

That storyline would have involved a lot of mental ‘Sam and Lucifer discuss what it means to live, which one of them is more worthy of life and if they do deserve to destroy the world for the pain they’ve been forced to go through, just to create the dichotomy of good and evil for everyone else’ discussions. There would be a lot of talk about how Sam hates and fears Lucifer for the pain Lucifer put on Sam, how Lucifer hates Sam because he and Sam are the same but Sam’s brother loves him anyways, etc. 

Ultimately that was scrapped because Sam’s entire story in the show is always about how the world and everyone around him manipulates him and that he never actually gets to make choices about his own life or body that aren’t influenced or part of someone elses’ design. And that always bothered me that Sam was never allowed to be himself without having to be ashamed of it, and I wanted to make sure that Sam’s triumph of being proud of himself/proudly choosing to exist (again) was evident in his story

In the end I needed Sam to have this visceral win over his tormentor. As the story shows, in this case Lucifer was abused and put into a position where he was incapable of empathy and could only express himself in violence. Sam even understands this! But it doesn’t change the fact that Lucifer tortured Sam in unimaginable ways for thousands of years. 

With that in mind I didn’t like the idea of Lucifer and Sam having “co-ownership” of their new identity, so I made the choice that Sam had to be the survivor. This tied in well with Sam’s new crusade to restore free will to the universe, because he’s breaking the narrative of his own story!

While Castiel wasn’t a pov character, his own autonomy and free will was equally as important. You’ll note that many, many paragraphs and conversations revolved around that theme and that in the end Cas followed himself (and love!) which ensured his freedom of self <3

The Brothers are WEIRD PEOPLE!!!! And Codependent to a Worrying Degree, but It’s Also How They Survive

It’s very hard to show “unusual” relationships when you’re writing from the pov of the two people who don’t think there’s anything weird about their relationship. Sure, they say ‘yeah it’s probably weird that we still share a bed’ but that’s kinda more in line with ‘I had a nightmare and I want to be close to the person who makes me feel safe’. Hashtag normalize co-sleeping when you need it!!!

From there I did try to point out how the boys have a weird perception of lifestyle in the little things they did. 

From thrifting everything from clothes to appliances to books (thrifting is a valid lifestyle! It’s incredibly handy when you’re on a budget.) 

To never actually having condiments or knowing how to use a dishwasher cause they’ve lived in a car, a motel room, or squatted in old houses their whole life.

I tried to have them wear each others’ clothes or casually swap things as much as possible. They live out of each others’ pockets!

Also the brothers are just weird people!! It’s hard to show from their pov, cause they don’t know how far off from normal they are, but like…

Everything about Sam and Amelia was NOT right like holy shit those two were wilding in their grief. They are very lucky things worked out for them and that they got to be hashtag Weird Girls together

Dean explicitly, in the story, gets horny after killing stuff!! Violence has done a number on his psyche and he’s gotten some wires crossed that maybe shouldn’t have been, or maybe could be worked out in a safe space but… uh… how likely do we think Dean is gonna go find a safe space to deal with any of his shit???

LOVE!!! Love is truly what this whole story is all about

If you’ve read the stories, you know how much emphasis I put on love. Love is the strongest force in the Spn Universe! It’s what averted the apocalypse and saved the world (Swan Song), it’s what created free will (Cas’ entire arc!) I love love!!!!

I went out of my way to not put any definitions on platonic love vs romantic love because I think love is love is love and how you express that is the difference. Neither is more powerful than the other because LOVE is powerful!! Sam and Cas are the most important people in Dean’s life and he loves them equally! He shows this by giving Cas kisses and stealing Sam’s socks.

It’s a personal pet peeve of mine when I have to hear explanations like ‘I love you, like a brother’ or ‘I love you, but like, as a friend because I’m a lesbian and you’re a man’ etc etc in media. If you have to continuously define how your characters love each other, then I don’t think you’re doing a good job of portraying their relationship. So you’ll see that I never put those parameters in any conversation. Dean DOES muse that he loves Cas differently than he loves Sam or Bobby, specifically because there is a romantic and sexual tone that his feelings for Cas takes, but not because he loves Cas more or less than he loves Sam or Bobby.

Which means, if you haven’t realized it yet, the Series + Fic Titles are meant to be a complete sentence because the power of love IS the thesis of this series:

The Love It Takes To Exist Again (Sam’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Become a Man (Dean’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Destroy a Man (TBA)

And now for fun stuff. Behind the scenes!!

What’s Something People Probably Don’t Know?

The demonic fungal/hydrothermal vent growth on Sam’s arm was thrown in literally as I was posting the chapter because I had just finished a 48 hour cram session of writing a report on tube worms for an ecology class (I was chanting my tube worm song as I wrote it) and it ended up being a HUGE hit with both readers and myself. But it was so last minute I had trouble fitting it in more throughout the rest of Sam’s story!

Cas’ orders? That may or may not have bound him to Dean and removed his free will? Were written into Sam’s story and I went ‘oh SHIT that’s compelling’ and then left them there as a ‘guess I’ll figure that out when I get to Dean’s story lol’

Originally Dean and Cas were supposed to get together after having their souls bonded, and have been in a UST limbo the entire time before that. Mostly because I think the entire concept of ‘we just got married of the soul I guess we should try dating?’ is very funny. CLEARLY the two of them were way more eager to fall in love than I anticipated (thank you Cas for your honesty) but you can still see shades of this original idea here and there (especially in ch35 of TBAM)

I never intended Dean and Benny to connect so well!! Benny was going to reunite with Andrea, she was going to live, and they were going to go off into the world and leave the story. And, uh, here we are. I’m still debating if I need to adjust the relationship tag or not haha. Polyamory is fun, especially when I was planning for Sam to be the polyamorous brother...

Speaking of, I can’t believe I forgot about Sam and his sexuality! If I rewrote TEA I would have had Sam contemplate more on his lack of sexual appetite due to trauma, up until he meets Benny and he gets to rediscover how he wants to be a sexual person

Many of Sam and Dean’s absolutely stupid sibling conversations were lifted near-verbatim from conversations I’ve had with my siblings

And lastly...

Dem where’s Kevin????????????? Where is our sweet baby boy????????

He’s SAFE!! He’s in the Hunter pipeline somewhere cause Sam handed him off to Bobby’s people. He and his mom are safe and at some point they probably got rib sigils like SalmonDean did against angels, but for demons. I didn’t have room in this story for him!!! But my baby boy is SAFE and I want to get him back to university because it’s WHAT HE DESERVES!!!!

To that point: god there were/are SO many characters that I just didn’t include in the story so far because I didn’t feel comfortable including them without stalling the story for them. To that point: pretty much everyone who is alive/dead in s8 is that way in this story, except Bobby who gets to live.

[Check Out Part 2 for reader questions!]

[paranoia-assault]

Fate/Stay Night Review

I've been meaning to get around to this for a while, so this post will contain my thoughts on Fate/Stay Night. I'll be going in order of how you're supposed to play the routes. Massive spoilers btw. Also this is copied over from Twitter, so sorry for any weird formatting.

Keep in mind I enjoyed every route, so any negative points I bring up never made me think the route wasn't worth reading. That said, UBW > HF > Fate, so we'll be starting with my least favorite route.

There's 2 reasons why the Fate route is my least favorite. The first is that is has to explain a lot, so it feels like not much happens in it compared to the other two routes. The second is Shirou's "girls can't fight" bullshit. I can't stand Shirou in the 1st half of the route.  Shirou does get better, but this is probably my least favorite version of him. I cannot stand every moment he tries to hold Saber back from fighting and almost gets himself killed because "girls can't fight." It is extremely aggravating.

That said, Shirou is fantastic in the second half of the route. The Fate route is Saber's story, and he plays the perfect part in it. His dream of being a super hero goes perfectly with her wish of being a great king. Seeing these ideologies clash, then come together, is amazing. It's why I like the Shirou/Saber ship despite Shirou/Rin being my favorite. These two were practically made for each other. Last Episode only adds to this, and it made me retroactively like the Fate route more. Saber's ending was beautiful and their eventual reunion even more so.

Illya was also great as a villain. I do think Gilgamesh and Kirei both have routes where they shine better as villains, so when I think "the villain of the Fate route," it's Ilya who comes to mind. Berserker was the perfect threat, and the two together were genuinely terrifying.

Summed up thoughts on the Fate route: Good starting point. A bit slow, and Shirou is very annoying in the first half, but the Saber/Shirou dynamic in the second half makes the route worth playing. 7/10.

Time for my favorite route: Unlimited Blade Works. I fucking adore this route. When I think "Fate/Stay Night," this is the route that comes to mind. If I were to recommend one route, it would be this one. I even plan on watching the anime for it at some point.

The main reason I love this route is Shirou. UBW Shioru specifically is one of my favorite Fate characters. He is confronted with a massive challenge to his ideals. He's pretty much shown they're flawed. But rather than toss them aside, he strengthens his convictions. He denies his future self, determined to be different. Yeah, his ideals might have flaws, but why should that matter? Carrying on Kiritsugu's dream is meaningful to him. The pain is worth saving those he can. Even if it's a thankless, miserable task, he won't turn away from it.

Oh, and let's talk about Archer. I love him. Seeing a pessimistic side of Shirou, a potential result of his ideals, was fascinating. I was genuinely shocked when the twist happened, and it made me deeply appreciate Archer's character. Archer is another of my favorite F/SN chars.

Now, let's talk about my favorite F/SN character, Rin. Rin is great. She was trained to understand and accomplish what has to be done, but has a soft spot not unlike Shirou's that leads her to help others. She had a painful upbringing, but doesn't regret a second of it.

She is the perfect foil for Shirou. She recognizes the pain his ideals are putting him through, but rather than force him to throw them away, she decides to stay with him to make sure he doesn't push himself too far. She tries to help Shriou learn to enjoy himself. Shirou/Rin is my favorite ship in the VN for this reason. They compliment each other so well. Their personalities clash in a way that lets them both grow, and they're genuinely cute together, though you can say that last part about any of the 3 main Shirou ships.

The villains are also great. Caster isn't the same type of threat as Illya/Berserker, but her backstory and dynamic with her Master is really interesting to see. I enjoyed her moments on screen. Gilgamesh was the perfect final boss for this route though. Specifically for Shirou. Gilgamesh' powers match Shirou's reality marble perfectly. Infinite Noble Phantasms. Gilgamesh calls Shirou fake, but that leads to Shirou showing how an imitation can outclass the original. It's such a smart hero/villain dynamic, and the perfect end to Shirou's story in UBW.

Saber even gets some closure in this route, though not as much as in Fate. She gets to be Rin's Servant at the end (which I adored btw), and once again chooses to destroy the girl, moving on from her past. Also, she lives in the good ending which makes me happy.

I also need to talk about Illya. Her scene with Berserker is one of her best scenes in the entire VN. She's barely on screen in this route compared to the other routes, but somehow she made just as much of an impact with that time. I felt so bad for her in that last scene.

Summed up thoughts on the UBW route: This route is where all the characters shone their brightest. Shirou's ideals are handled perfectly, almost every Servant gets the attention they deserve, and the writing is overall high quality the entire route. 9/10.

Finally, Heaven's Feel...I think my thoughts on this route will be the most controversial, as I have very mixed feelings. 

I do want to say this first. I love Sakura. She is a fantastic character, and she deserves the world. I'm glad she gets the spotlight in this route.

I also think Kirei was at his best this route. His backstory, along with his final confrontation with Shirou, were both extremely well written. He went from a despicable villain to a despicable written I love to hate. He almost stole the show as much as Sakura did, honestly.

Rider was great this route. I love the twist that Sakura is her true master, and her protective nature over Sakura was great to see. This is the only route where she manages to stand her ground against Saber for a decent period of time, too. I'm glad she lives to the end.

The highlight of the route, however, has to be Sakura and Rin's bond. Learning that they were sisters, and seeing them slowly and awkwardly get closer, is fantastic. That final confrontation between the two of them blew me away with the spectacle & Rin using the second sorcery. Of course, the hug that ended the fight was the best part. Rin realizing she can't kill Sakura after all, despite everything she said to Shirou, was beautiful. Sakura's horror at thinking she killed her sister, showing she's not a full monster yet, was tragically heartwarming.

Them bringing the sorceries in with Illya and Rin was nice. I like how we got an epilogue that took place two years after the final battle rather than a few months. There is a lot to like about this route. 

...But there's also a lot I don't like.

Zouken and Assassin are just...okay villains. I don't think they're terrible, but they're not as interesting as any of the other villains in F/SN. 

My main complaint is that this route introduced too much. So many elements are here that aren't even touched on in previous routes. Zouken, true Assassin, the crest worms, the true Holy Grail, Angru Mainyu, these are all elements of the route that I'm just supposed to accept only come into play under these circumstances. Sometimes it feels like they came up with it all after the other two routes were written. None of them are badly written per se, it just feels so out of nowhere that I couldn't fully get into the story here. 

As for what I do think is badly written...I don't like Shirou in this route. He feels more selfish than in the others, often pushing aside others' feelings. The main moment that comes to mind is when Illya goes with Sakura. When Shirou finds her, he slaps her and yells at her, not accepting her feelings of wanting the end of her life to be meaningful. And there is no way to escape her death. The route makes that clear. Shirou also throws away his ideals for Sakura, which I don't like. The route before this one had him stick to his ideals despite being given evidence of the despair it will lead to. Yet here he tosses them aside without that, simply for one person.

Maybe badly written was too harsh. Shirou's fine, I like him more than in the first half of the Fate route, but he just doesn't seem to fit with the other instances of Shirou, and there were often times he frustrated me. Again, I did love his confrontation with Kirei though.

Now for the romance of this route. Shirou/Sakura. I'm sorry, but...I'm not a fan of this one. It's cute, even made me emotional at times. I think these two can have a great relationship. The thing is, I don't like how it happens here specifically. I think these two are way too dependent on each other, to the point that one can't live without the other. Just look at the bad ending where Rin kills Sakura and Shirou gives up entirely, or the normal ending where Sakura wastes away her life after Shirou's death. There's even a physical dependence due to the state of Shirou's body at the end of the route. It's honestly worrying how much they need one another.

I think they can grow past this, and I'm sure they do since the true end is a happy one. I don't hate their ship. It's my least favorite of the three, but I can easily see it being someone's favorite. Hell, I know someone for who it is. The ship isn't awful, just has some issues.

Back to the route as a whole, it is certainly the most ambitious, but I think they got carried away at times. It's certainly more geared toward horror as well, especially with those bad endings. Not that that's a bad thing, even if I'm not often into horror.

Summed up thoughts on the HF route: A spectacular finale to the VN, but it has a few hiccups along the way. There are a lot of great character moments and interesting ideas that make it worth the time. The true ending is beautiful as well. 8/10.

Overall thoughts on F/SN: A great time that I would recommend to anyone who can get it working on their computer. Fantastic characters and cool concepts drive what can be just decent writing at times, and the high points are really high. Definitely worth the lows. 8/10.

Quick add on for my thoughts on the prequel, Fate/Zero: An amazing first half that got me attached to so many characters, but it falls apart in the second half due to Gen Urobuchi's more problematic writing tendencies. Those have been discussed to death, so I won’t go into detail on them here, Still, the show has enough moments that make it worth watching. 6/10.

That's my experience with Fate so far. I'm about halfway through the first arc of FGO, so I'll make a thread summarizing my thoughts on each singularity when the time comes. Also I want to read Fate/Hollow Ataraxia if I can. Overall I can say I’m glad I got into this franchise, and I’m excited to engage in more Fate content.

Anyway, this review took me 80 minutes to write, and another 15 to copy over here. Clearly I’m pretty passionate about this franchise.

[jancys-blue-bayou]

Yeah so Stranger Things 3 was painfully bad

Yeah yeah big negative post about ST3 coming up. Just... holy shit, my expectations weren’t exactly high but jesus I didn’t think it’d be this bad. Wow. Mindboggling to think it was made by the same dudes who made season 1, it feels like a different show. Some of the worst writing I’ve seen in a long while, parts of season 3. This got very long because it was very bad so it’s under the cut. Starting with the few positives and then away we go...

Of course there were bright spots, I thought what we got of Jancy was generally good (just wish there had been more of it. Just like... more lines between them, a few moments could’ve gone on longer...like after the awesome hospital fight scene jesus just let them fucking desperately embrace and profess their love for each other, it was awesome how they relentlessly kept going at the monster to save the other but can we please just have a few more seconds for a comfort moment after?) I liked how they handled the fight btw, apart from the Oliver Twist comment yeah yeah heat of the moment but still felt OOC with that loa a blow. Nancy and Karen scene was nice and um... well Max and El bonding was nice. And um... Mr Clarke! And I kind of dig Murray.

My main issues with it:

- The product placement. Jesus Christ. Okay, ST has always been a show with noticeable product placement. But it’s gone from things like a Coke can prominently on display on a table in s1 (El crushing it with her mind) to literally having a straight up ad for Coca Cola in the middle of a tense scene. That’s the big offender that made me go wow you’re really doing this to yourselves huh, there are many others ofc (everything at the mall ofc, Slurpees being in hyperfocus for a bit, and a lengthy talk about Burger King. These smaller things one by one wasn’t the worst but all combined jesus it was too much, all added together and then bam the Coke commercial was wow... Congrats on the like 80 sponsorship deals and esp the new ST themed arcade hall by Coca Cola hope it was worth completely selling out for.

- Relatedly, the original fucking song. Holy christ talk about jumping the shark. That was the oddest, cringiest, weirdest shit I’ve seen in a long time. Gaten’s a great singer don’t get me wrong, but there’s a time and place for it and an original song stuffed into the middle of the tense climax of the season is not it Duffers. Just a blatant cash cow, hoping to bring in more money via the song.

- Robin. Sorry but holy cow what a Mary Sue. Hey here’s this super cool girl who’s cool™ and funny™ and super smart™ and NOT Nancy (like they seriously for real said in a scene, they actually for real had to pit Robin and Nancy against each other for no reason). And she conveniently has these specific skills needed for the plot (which she gets involved with for no real motivation other than having nothing better to do, lazy writing). Said skills were so over the top unrealistic it completely sucked me out of it. To start with, this random girl in small town Indiana in 1985 speaking French, Spanish and Italian um... does Hawkins High have the most amazing language department or what? Very un-american in that case... and okay then, her knowing those languages wouldn’t help jackshit with understanding Russian. Russian is a notoriously difficult language to learn and it is not related to the Romance languages at all, Robin knowing those languages and oh, having “a good ear” bc she’s in band (?!??! what?!) wouldn’t help her at all. Having the alphabets on the wall and listening to strange words in a foreign language she has no understanding of would never work. No way for her to understand what is she’s hearing, what letters are in the words just, nothing. It’s completely ridiculous. The good thing is she’s a lesbian, crushing Stobin that made me LOL. Btw, I don’t get what age they were writing her as? She’s still in school but later says she and Steve was in the same class, and she knows who Nancy is but Nancy, who is still in school, doesn’t know her even though presumably they’d be in the same year at little Hawkins High? Was it just sloppy writing or what?

- Too. Much. Plotting. What happened to “this season is about the characters” um there was just so much plot stuff and action sequences and barely any character driven moments at all. Those intimate moments that made s1 amazing. Generally regarding plots felt the Russian plot was messy and not well-written also what happened to the US government as the big bad? Unless they’re setting up a big Cold War thing for s4. And felt the zombie thing was wasted, could’ve been used differently like I’d have thought it’d be used like the MF spreading it’s influence over vaster areas and being harder to keep track of etc.

- Too little Will. Will’s whole thing with feeling left out etc was just dropped halfway through it felt very undercooked. His arc was just dropped wtf.

- NO BYERS FAMILY INTERACTIONS WTF. The sequence in the first episode when Jancy has overslept and Joyce wipes the lipstick off Jonathan was cute (but could’ve been even cuter I’d have preferred a short fluffy Jancy moment here just as they wake up before they realize they overslept, bc we didn’t get much pure fluff, and then it’d been awesome if Joyce would’ve just called Nancy into the house to mess with them). But like... that’s kind of it. For the Byers family. Talking to each other in the whole season. When they partnered Jancy with the kids many thought awesome we’ll get Byers bros talking and teaming up (and Nancy and Mike) but there was just nothing. Not even a family hug after the battle at the mall, just Joyce hugging Will, with all this tightknit little family has been through you telling me Jonathan wouldn’t join in?

- No Will and El bonding wtf? SUCH a wasted opportunity. They’ve built this unique awesome connection over s1 and s2 and now in s3 would finally be able to bond normally for real and... nothing.

- Turning Hopper back into an even bigger jerk than he was at the start of the show, neglecting all his character development. What was the point of the whole El and Hopper thing they devoted so much time to in s2 if Hopper’s back at it with the yelling and all now? And jeez his constant whining to Joyce about every man she interacts with holy christ that got annoying. Generally Hopper was such an annoying asshole this season I was so tired of him by the time he “died”.

- TOO MANY CHARACTERS. Jeez, I know I’m on about it all the time but jesus christ there is way way too many characters in this for 8 episodes which hurts the narrative and screentime for interesting characters is just... yeah.

- Speaking of screentime, did we really need that many identical generic fight scenes between Hopper and the Russian guy? Jesus Christ it’s so boring watching fight scenes like that, so repetitive (compare to the hospital fight scene which was dynamic and awesome). Also regarding screentime did we really need to devote so incredibly much of it to Steve and Robin being comedic relief while drugged? Yeah yeah mix light and dark and all that but jesus christ at that point in the narrative shit has hit the fan lean into the dark.

- Totally expected of course but still, the furthering of Steve Memeington. My god they actually had him literally call himself daddy... christ.

- The Billy and Karen/all the other middle age women remains gross and bad in a billion ways. Also completely pointless for the plot, they could’ve come up with any other way to get Billy to the factory. And what did it give Karen in development? Just the realization that yeah I’m tired of my husband but I’m not leaving my family and I’ll stick with him just ‘cause? Okay but did we need her almost sleeping with a kid a year older than her daughter for that? Icky. Also the editing of the scene where Billy hits her was so weird. Also that was weird as fuck.

- The ending. Okay christ my main gripe with this is because of a point above: No Byers family interaction at all! Joyce and Hopper talk briefly about her thinking about moving once or twice but she never talks about it with her kids... obviously she did in the timegap but we need to see that to build to the thing. Having no Byers interactions the whole season and then just oop we’re moving is so weird. I’m also not sure if Joyce’s motivation for moving (her bad memories of Hawkins) would be enough. For sure an argument for it, but an argument against is the one Hopper presents to her (and though he’s not around still there’s still a support system around them there, especially for her kids which she loves above all). Speaking of her loving her kids above all, she knows they love their friends/girlfriend/boyfriend to bits, have walked through fire with them and are each others support system as mentioned, would Joyce really just uproot them from that? There’s also some purely practical things that stuck out to me immediately: the timeskip for the epilogue makes it so they move when the schoolyear is already well under way and Jonathan has started senior year, feel bad for Jonathan there in a number of ways. Also, how the hell did Joyce manage to sell her house and what did it fetch? Her rundown house on the outskirts of a now infamous town with an incredibly bad rep? Even if the buyer bought it for the land the land doesn’t look special, just find it hard to believe she could get much for it. And where did they move? Where did she find a place? And work? Did she have something lined up or? I guess we’ll see.

- Oh and speaking of work, that was another thing that was just dropped, the mall killing downtown and the protests just fell out of the story. But, with what happened to the mall wouldn’t business come back to downtown (possibly reason for Joyce to want to stay if Melvald’s going out of business was another reason to move).

- Sorry but Mileven took way too much space.

- Again, no Jonathan and Will actual brothers bonding. But a whole lot of Steve and Dustin meme fanservice wank.

- Erica is just the sassy black girl trope non stop the whole season and nothing else and it’s so grating and... I was gonna say disappointing but I had no faith in the Duffers regarding this. Just because a bit character becomes a meme doesn’t mean they need to become a main. *cough* Steve *cough cough* Sorry.

- Last but not least, the woobiefication of Billy. Uggggghhhh. Disgusting. And having Max cry over him WTF?!?!?!?!?! staaaaaaahp.

[notesofarichlycolorednight]

OBC Hadestown Recording Review by a Non-Professional that you didn’t ask for

Alt. click-bait title: THEMES! THEMES! THEMES!

so i just listened to the Hadestown OBCR

so as practice, i’m going to do this review (i have a lot to say if you hadn’t noticed) like a sandwich--positives, mixed, neutral, negatives, more positives

and yes, I compare it to the NY version. it would be Impossible for me not to, considering that’s all I had for years. but I did listen to it with an open mind and wide-eyed excitement

YAS QUEEN

Amber Grey and Patrick Page, lovely as always

I’m glad they introduced Hades in “Road To Hell” also that Hermes is like...is there another god? oh yeah, ME!

Eva Noblezada was AMAZING and I love her Eurydice

Reeve Carney sounds like an wide-eyed, naive, optimistic musician and it’s Wonderful

the overall themes and a more cohesive story--like there were of course themes threaded thru the NY recording, but the themes were much stronger in this version

Hermes being Orpheus’s mentor, rather than just the narrator and occasionally interacting with Orpheus bc he can? the exchange between them reads less like “I’m kind of picking on your bc you’re an artist” and more like “yikes, bro, you messed up. and bc I’m your mentor, and the god of Travelers, I’mma help you out a little”

oh yes, LOVE LOVE LOVE “Wedding Song” and oh, I LOVED that he sang his song in this version (hope to see what happens on stage some day ;_;)

the OBC version of “Livin’ it Up on Top” is still fun as always and I love they included the joke “to hell and back”

Orpheus’s lyrics in “All I’ve Ever Known” are So. Soft. our soft, poor boy Orpheus

Reeve and Eva’s voices fit together really well and I’m cry

“A Gathering Storm” is just Gorgeous storytelling right there, mmhmm. And oh shit, the “It’s not supposed to be like this” damn. And Eurydice’s “bring the world back into tune” Love it.

oh dude, the doubt in “Epic II” mirroring Orpheus’s later doubt poetictheater.jpeg

the lead in from “Epic II” to “Chant” always Great. And oh man, loved more of the storytelling and Eurydice’s lyrics in “Chant” okay but the juxtaposition of Hermes telling Orpheus telling him to look up while the Chorus chants to keep your head low oh jeez. And Eva sounds Great in “Chant” like DAMN

shaken, not stirred

Andre De Shields, sorry bro.

intellectual: I think his performance was great and the way he portrays Hermes fits really well with the style and aesthetic of Hadestown.

emotional: unfortunately, I don’t like his voice. and yes, I’m definitely biased for NY Hermes, but this is like a personal preference type thing. his voice is like the opposite of a stim for me... :\ which is unfortunate, because I did enjoy his performance

“Road To Hell” is before “Any Way The Wind Blows”

intellectual: it definitely fits this version, and I really liked hearing more about Eurydice and understanding her struggles and why falling in love with Orpheus is such a big thing for her

emotional: but I kinda liked the order in the NY version. it kinda felt like a preface to the story itself, and like even tho Hermes is the narrator, beginning with a song the Fates sing, it shows who’s truly in charge (they DO in fact control the speed at which lobsters die)

tho if I’m being honest, “Livin’ it Up on Top” doesn’t quite have that kick the NY version has. idk if instruments or missing or there isn’t enough ppl singing, but there’s just something missing, which takes a little of the fun out of it

It again feels like something is missing from “Way Down Hadestown” :\

intellectual: I guess I understand why they gave Orpheus’s lyrics to the Fates and Hermes (bc like how would he know what it’s like down there, truly?)

emotional: but I also didn’t like it bc as I’ll talk abt a lot in a min, it really takes away from Reeve’s performance

I’m actually super disappointed that Reeve/Orephus wasn’t featured as much as in the NY recording. his voice is almost completely drowned out almost entirely through “Wait For Me.”

intellectual: I quite enjoyed that the rest of the cast acted as the stones echoing back his song, and that it fit with and strengthened the overall themes and plot of the musical. I’m glad that this version has a more cohesive story and stronger themes

emotional: but it was no longer about Orpheus and his journey, and I think they could’ve kept the themes while also featuring Reeve’s voice. esp in such an Iconic song for Orpheus like “Wait For Me”

“If It’s True” I was tempted to put this in the negatives section bc I feel like it really takes away from Orpheus’s story (get ready to here a lot of repetition sorry not sorry fam). but there are some things I liked abt it.

intellectual: I liked that in the OBC version, that it was more abt the theme they’d introduced abt the workers’/chorus’s struggle and Hades’s struggle to keep them nameless, so to speak. I also did like that they show Orpheus’s worldview change. and fucking finally gave Reeve a chance to shine (kinda, with interjections from Hermes and the Chorus)

emotional: but I do think they went abt it the wrong way, bc I liked that it addressed just Orpheus and his feelings of what’s gone on (specifically Eurydice belonging to Hades) in the NY version, and I didn’t like that in the OBC version that it Was more abt the themes. I also felt like it got a little preachy. Like that’s not what I thought the original “If It’s True” was abt yo. I get it fits with the overall theme and message they want to get across, but I don’t think their execution was that Great :\ I also really liked that in the NY version, him just being sad is what moved both Persephone and the Chorus

“Wait For Me (Reprise)” is the same as with “Wait For Me”

intellectual: I’m not saying  that the new, stronger themes are bad or anything--like I’ve said, I Loved that they strengthened the themes and made the musical more cohesive overall.

emotional:

(+): Okay but also I really Love Eurydice singing what Orpheus sang in “Wait For me”

(-): Reeve’s voice is often drowned out and it’s no longer about his and Eurydice’s story as much (it’s in the very first song! “brother, thus, begins the tale of ORPHEUS AND EURYDICE”). I really do think they could have gone about it in a way that highlights Reeve as Orpheus AND keeps with the theme and the message they wanted to get across by including the Chorus. I mean look! Look! Reeve stands off to the side or isn’t singing for like ALMOST THE WHOLE SONG DUDE. he gets 36 measly seconds singing in this song, I timed it. it’s a 3 mins and 12 second song. and most of those seconds are spent singing the song with the chorus (I do not, however, really count the times Hermes is speaking bc those lines are Great and when Eurydice is singing at the end, but Still!). like I said, I’m so glad they have Eurydice singing his song back to him, but I Really Do Think they could have composed it so it was still Orpheus’s song (with Hermes, and Eurydice at the end, keep that of course!), but held those stronger themes.

“Doubt Comes In” ...like at this point, are you even surprised?

intellectual: strong themes. great. okay.

emotional:

(+):  I Loved Eurydice’s part in this, encouraging Orpheus even tho he can’t hear her. I also did love that they added in Orpheus’s thoughts--pique drama, I LOVED it

(-): third verse, same as the first (and second): Reeve just wasn’t featured as much as I would have liked him to be! the Fates get the lines Orpheus used to sing! when Orpheus sang, “where are you? where are you now?” the first time more steady and sing-song-y, the second time more desperate (but still beautiful holy shit Damon Daunno was Amazing) as he starts to go out of his mind,,, i felt that and i’m incredibly disappointed (and angry lbr) that they took those lines away from Orpheus.

not really a point, but this needs its own bullet point: it just does Reeve a huge disservice, bc he’s a Great Orpheus. I Loved his Orpheus, but the fact that he’s taken out of so much of the story he’s the protagonist in detracts severely from his performance, and it’s a damn shame

I did really liked that they made the “la la la” more complicated in “Epic III” and when Persephone and Hades danced, and how it was softer, but I also liked how powerful the “la la la” crescendo as Hermes, Persephone (I believe) and the Chorus joined in along with the instruments was in the NY version so,,, ¯\_( : \ )_/¯

I don’t think they changed any of the lyrics for “Road To Hell (Reprise)” (they added stuff, sure) but it sounded and felt different, and I’m upset that it wasn’t the same as the NY. it’s in this section tho, bc it was still good (think I like the NY version just slightly better, but I do like the OBC version too, but for different reasons)

neutral(ish)

the change of characters who says/sings lines isn’t my fave, but it’s not bad either and, based on the theme and more cohesive storyline, it makes sense

I’m trying to decide if Patrick Page’s descent from a higher vocal range into a lower one is a stylistic choice, but I don’t feel one particular way about it or another (except for the fact that it didn’t sound like him I questioned if it was at first)...tho the bass drops for “Hey Little Songbird” so maybe it was a stylistic choice and if so, Brilliant! (but it will stay in this spot since I can’t tell if that was intentional)

I’m a little surprised they didn’t give Eurydice her spot light in “Why We Build the Wall” but it’s not like it changes the story much. I think I just liked that she stood out, and with those lyrics, bc it’s dramatic irony--we know her mistake but she doesn’t yet realize that it is a mistake she’s made

“Word to the Wise” it was good. not great. I liked NY version better, but I think I mildly like NY Fates better bc they sang in a very harsh and solid way. like in some parts the OBC Fates do too, but not in the songs where it matters (to me)

the changes made to the Epics. I liked the more story-telling aspect of them, but I also didn’t quite love the changes. but the songs themselves were still p great, so (it’s here, rather in the mixed section) bc I don’t particularly feel as strong one way or another abt the NY Epics compared to the OBC Epics

Once again, I feel like smth is missing from “Word to the Wise” :\ like some kind of instrument to really push it into extraordinary, to hold it up. But the Fates were a little better at being brutal so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i guess

hard no, babe

that being said, regarding first point in the neutral section, I didn’t like that they took away (even) more of Orpheus’s lines because it then removes (even) more of his voice, when he’s HALF THE FEATURE OF THE STORY. I know it’s really about two love stories (and like I said before, it does strengthen the themes and overall storyline), but the main focus was Orpheus and Eurydice !!!

the sound of the train whistle. mmm, I’ll pass. it’s so dinky. bring back the NY train!

The way Reeve says/sings some of his lines (not all of ‘em tho) could use some work? doesn’t sound great. didn’t love it. idk if it was a stylistic choice on the director’s part or Reeve’s own choices in how he wanted to play Orpheus, but I didn’t agree with them. I think he uses his falsetto a little too much for some lines. And let me tell you, was very afraid they were going to do that three-voice thing (like in the concept album) when Orpheus meets Eurydice. glad they didn’t, but I also didn’t really think they needed it at all

I’m actually uber disappointed they took out the old radio sound for Hermes in “Wait For Me.” I just really liked it man.

ngl, I. was. Heartbroken. when they’d changed the lyrics to Epic III (which is why it’s in this section :\). Esp like I CANNOT BELIEVE THEY CHANGED “where is the man, WITH HIS HAT IN HIS HANDS, who stands in the garden, with nothing to lose” (emphasis mine). like, again, i understand the changes were made to keep with the themes introduced, BUT can you Imagine. holding the whole world in your arms (when Hades gets the girl) compared to holding something so small and insignificant (BEFORE Hades gets the girl). COME ON! it’s like the perfect juxtaposition AND I thought it made Hades much more human AND it still keeps with the themes. (tho I am glad they kept that part at all bc when I realized how much of “Epic III” they changed, I was worried they’d taken that part out too. it’s in this section tho bc the changes are unforgivable overall)

Come Home With Me I and II (Reprise) !!! I’m extremely sad they changed the lyrics so much. Admittedly, I do like the first “Come Home With Me” introducing his song that will bring spring back. But the changes are too unforgivable for me to put it in the mixed section. I really liked Orpheus’s proposal in “Come Home With Me II” in the NY version and that repetition of “say I do, I came all the way just to ask you to” and then the Fates step in and are like, “Mmm, sorry boo, she belongs to Hades now” and the song ending with Eurydice saying “I do” but with a totally different meaning. like okay, the OBC version fits more with the theme, and I’m glad they still kinda included it in “Papers” (I do actually like the way it’s composed in “Papers” if I’m being honest, the “I did. I do.” just,,, hits me) but it’s too unforgivable to put in the mixed section. OH GOD and. esp,,, okay Listen. HOW could they take out “are you always this confident?” // “when I look at you I am” and then later hearing Hades sing, “Orpheus the undersigned SHALL NOT LOOK BEHIND // SHE’S OUT OF SIGHT and he’s out of his mind” LIKE COME ON MAN that was Perfect AND YOU TOOK IT OUT ???

the Fates in their “Way Down Hadestown (Reprise)” I Loved the NY bc they Tore into Eurydice (I love my girl, but that song is a Bop and they are Ruthless). the way they sang, it was harsh and cutting. in the OBCR...not so much. It’s too sing-songy and embellished (is the best way I can explain it), and I was disappointed bc it was one of my fave songs in the NY version. not to mention, I Did Not Like Eurydice’s lyric changes. and I know that it strengthens the themes, and I did actually like that they showed Eurydice losing herself as she worked (esp bc it adds more to “Flowers” and again strengthens the thread linking the songs), but I disliked it as a whole enough that it can’t be saved to be moved into the mixed section

OH NO I. CANNOT. BELIEVE. THEY CHANGED “YOU’RE EARLY” // “I MISSED YOU” TO “IT’S YOU” // “IT’S ME” // “ORPHEUS” // “EURYDICE” FUCK YOUR THEMES but for real, I think keeping “you’re early” // “I missed you” would’ve have kept with the theme way more than what they changed it to bc 1) they’re referencing smth the two litchrally just said to each other. and 2) THAT’S WHAT PERSEPHONE AND HADES SAID TO EACH OTHER WHEN HE CAME TO GET HER FROM HADESTOWN AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SHOW. it’s a theme that’s introduced in the beginning of the musical--“it’s a tale from long ago”--bc Persephone and Hades’s relationship was SUPPOSED to mirror Orpheus and Eurydice right? there’s the fact that Orpheus’s song is what Hades heard long ago like ??? a HUGE Point of Orpheus and Eurydice’s love story was to remind Persephone and Hades about the love they shared when they first met (“wait for me?” // “I will”). and gosh darn it, it still would’ve fit the themes if they had stuck with “you’re early” // “I missed you” bc of that!

SPEAKING OF I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY TOOK OUT PERSEPHONE’S LYRICS IN “CHANT (REPRISE)” LIKE WHAT like it worked so well !!! (esp bc I’ve read reviews of the show, with Hades and Persephone circling Orpheus and Eurydice as they’re dueling and switching the direction they walk when the chorus makes that “kch” noise like poetictheater.jpeg) it was such a good juxtaposition between what Hades thinks Persephone wants and what Persephone actually wants (I do like that “Chant (Reprise)” is more complicated composition-wise, but not enough to move it into the mixed section). ALSO “He said we’d build ‘em up // And then the walls would set us free” // “Is it true, what he said?” // “He said we’d soldier on // And then the war would bring us peace.” I thought that got across the message quite well in the NY version, esp since they were echoing Orpheus’s “if it’s true.” they’re also just Great lines and I Cannot Believe they took them out 

YAS QUEEN

I’m a HOE for singing in the round, and the beauty of Orpheus’s “la la la la” joined in by the chorus in “Wait For Me” got me like. OKAY AND THE LYRIC ADDITIONS I LITERALLY CANNOT IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL AND POETIC AND GOOD WHEN ORPHEUS SANG “I HEAR THE ROCKS AND STONE, ECHOING MY SONG, I’M COMING”

I mean,,, how can you Not like “Our Lady of the Underground.” I also really enjoyed the more jazzy feel. Like it was already jazzy, but it’s even more jazzy in this version, to me

if you couldn’t tell, I loved Reeve and his Orpheus

“Papers” is Great and idk why but I Love “everything and everyone in Hadestown, I own.”

oh shit dude, Orpheus’s song being something from long ago that he like picked up on bc Greek mythology be like that and then HADES RECOGNIZING THE SONG. THAT. WAS. BRILLIANT.

“Flowers” felt like it fit much better in this version, with the themes being stronger and all that. also could actually hear it clearly, so that could be why bc I’m pretty sure they didn’t change a single lyric lol. still Loved it

the lyric additions to “Wait For Me” I’M SCREAM SO GOOD (even tho I’ve mentioned this before lmao)

“How Long” was. so. good. I just really enjoyed the exchange between Persephone and Hades in this song

DUDE I JUST REALIZED “NOW I SING A DIFFERENT SONG” FROM THE ONE ORPHEUS REMINDS HADES OF BRILLIANT

“Oh, it’s about me?” that made me laugh out loud. Oh god Also the repetition of lyrics in “All I’ve Ever Known” in “Epic III” to show that Orpheus and Eurydice’s love mirrors Persephone and Hades’s? poetictheater.jpeg

“Promises” omg. I actually liked this one better than NY “Promises” sorry not sorry. don’t get me wrong, Eurydice has every right to tell Orpheus off since he made all those promises he couldn’t keep in the NY “Promises” but in OBC “Promises” it feels more mutual. it feels softer. rather than Eurydice going, “you done messed up A-A-Ron” it’s more like Orpheus going, “I done fucked up and I’m sorry.” Orpheus is more self-aware and I liked that.

dudes, I’m extremely happy they added Eurydice back in for “We Raise Our Cups” it really rounds everything out. And it’s just a really good epilogue song. (I’m curious to see if Reeve is out on stage for this or if he stays backstage)

Final thoughts: the stronger themes were Great. don’t get me wrong. okay. I liked that about this version. but I feel like by trying to be too In With The Times(TM) they lost some of the heart of the story, which ultimately detracted from Reeve’s performance as Orpheus.

sometimes I really think a story can be just a story about two people (or two love stories), and the themes and messages will find their way in naturally. it doesn’t need to be this big thing about everyone all of a sudden. at the very least, bc it’s obvious the themes and messages are stronger in the OBC version, it does take some work and planning, but I felt like they were trying just a tad too hard and ended up being too heavy-handed.

I thought the themes and message they were originally trying to get across got across just find in the NY composition (specifically for “Wait For Me (Reprise)” bc the themes are definitely stronger throughout the overall musical in the OBCR composition)

now, I’m not saying don’t include messages in your art, that’s what art is for! But I think they could have either kept it about how it was in the NY version, because there were still messages (just a little more lucid and not as strong) OR they could have composed it some way that kept the stronger themes and messages AND kept the importance and presence of Orpheus’s role, and Orpheus and Eurydice’s story.

for me, Orpheus, esp OBC and Reeve’s Orpheus, doesn’t strike me as the guy to start a revolution and lead the Chorus thru hell. Like when the Fates say, “who are you to think that you can hold your head up higher than your fellow man?” I honestly get confused bc,,, he... doesn’t think that though? He just loves Eurydice and wants to save her from Hadestown. and maybe that’s actually the point? that Orpheus wasn’t ready for the pressure suddenly put on him to not just lead Eurydice out but also all of Hades’s workers, so doubt came in. but then what was with “If It’s True?” which, as I said, did start to sound pretty preachy? not to mention, the one time their themes and messages aren’t clear

anyway, long story long, the way I see Orpheus is his voice just does That. it doesn’t have to have some secret, overarching message for his songs to influence and move people. in the original “If It’s True” he sang about his loss and it was emotional enough to move Hades’s workers. to me Orpheus’s gift, his music, his voice is about emotion. and I think of Coco in that respect: “de la Cruz was a nobody, but when he sang, people listened” paired with, “I didn’t write it for the world, I wrote it for Coco” yet “Remember Me” (and all his songs) still resonated and moved people

so anyway, here’s my Hadestown hot take: Reeve wasn’t nominated for a Tony because the new composition underutilized him as Orpheus

no i don’t take criticism

[holland-stan-posts]

Where's the puppy...?

Warnings: none but fluff??

Author note: I know it's been awhile since I've been here but lots of things has been happening lately and I couldn't write anymore. Hope you guys enjoy this.

M a s t e r l i s t

You and Sebastian have been dating for almost 7 years, you both went through lots of things and none of them bring you down, now living together, you think is about time for him to propose you.

However, you really didn't care if he proposes you or not, at the end what it matters is he coming home to you.

Of course when he's away, you can feel the loneliness around the corner and you start thinking about having babies so you won't be too alone all the time. He absolutely denies the idea since the beginning. Is not that he doesn't like kids, but he wants to be present during your pregnancy and with the upcoming films you know he won't be able to be even in the States for God's knows how long.

So you started to feed the idea to bring a puppy to your humble household in a private neighborhood in Brooklyn. Sebastian didn't like at first but when you started to point out facts about the dog, he could bring the idea out without a negative.

It's sunny and Sunday, laziness all over the place. You're laying in the couch with your pajamas binge watching shows in Netflix, Sebastian have left the house early in the morning, he'd been acting weird the past few weeks, which led you to think he's having something between hands. You already start to think about names because he is obviously bringing you a dog. You can sense it, because the other day he casually asked you which breed would you like to have. You said you didn't mind at all. And he just smiled. So you're 100% secure he's finally bringing the dog.

When you were almost falling asleep for third time in the day, the door slammed and you jumped scared.

"holy fuck Sebastian you scared the shit out of me" you yelled. A louder paff was heard like a loaded cardboard has been trhow to the floor and all of sudden you were excited about it.

"Hey Babe, how was your day?" he smiled and kissed you long and passionate.

"Pretty bored I should say. Where were you?" you said walking towards the kitchen to get some food.

"Planning something for someone special" the.puppy. You thought

"Oh, really? To whom?" you asked

"Okay baby, I need you to close your eyes" he says, definitely can't contain the full excitement.

You quickly cover your eyes, almost jumping on your toes.

"I'll count to three and you gotta watch, okay?" you nodded.

"One.."

Omg

"Two.."

You cant wait to see the new puppy!

"Three!"

"I'm gonna name him Sam!" you yell taking off your hands of your eyes.

Only to find Sebastian in one knee, a red velvet box with a huge diamond on his hands to you. Your smile faded quite fast and so does his.

"Where's the puppy?" is all that you managed to ask... Until the realization hits you like a brick.

"Wait! Are you actually proposing me? While I'm wearing my pajamas? Are you fucking serious right now Sebastian Stan?!" you can feel loads of mixed feelings going through your body now, angry, happiness, sadness and joy.

"Yes...?" he is confused as hell by your reaction but still standing in one knee with the ring.

"So.. What do you say? Do you wanna marry me?" he asks full of hope.

"I'd honestly think this was gonna be more romantic" your nervous laughter is heard all over the neighborhood.

"Actually I planned a nice dinner and then propose you, but I saw you all cute in your pajamas and I said 'fuck it' and just did it. But baby, you have me waiting here" he laughs nervously too.

"Oh my God I'm so sorry, yes Sebastian, I'm gonna marry you" you say those words out loud and realizing the whole situation, you jump to his arms and you both fall to the floor, you kissing him happily and he laughing and hugging you.

When you heard little paws coming to your way.

A golden retriever running to you and licking you.

"Oh and he is Sam. He's gonna be with you while I'm away filming. He was supposed to be the other surprise but you ruined it with all the monologue there" he huff but you can't help and take the puppy in your arms and hug him tight and kiss to your fiancée, full of happiness. This day can't get better, and you are just wearing pajamas.

--

Masterlist

[eisforeidolon]

Episode: Gods and Monsters

Okay, so my ultimate feeling about this one was that there was five, maybe ten minutes of worthwhile episode actually in there.  To be fair, a lot of it didn't feel like it was actively terrible to me, just kind of wheels-spinning pointless.

I think I've already talked about the mirror scene?  I have to admit it didn't have much of an impact since I'd already been spoiled for it.  It was done well, there just wasn't a whole lot to it.  Though I did get a certain amount of amusement out of wondering if Michael was regularly playing dress up with Dean in fancy clothes to lure in monsters for his experiments (a whole grave pit full!).  Which made me wonder about how many monsters we've seen recognize the Winchesters on sight and if that had happened. Watching that would have been a lot more entertaining for me than most of this episode.  

Why be the hunted when you can be the hunter?  Why write original dialogue when you can just throw out bad clichés!  Again, while I can appreciate Jensen's acting, I just am not compelled by this whole super monsters storyline.  Not least because I suspect that it's Dabb and co.'s way of getting what they wanted to do with Wayward - throw out all the rules so they could just lazily make shit up as they go along.  Not to mention it's so blatantly cribbed off the Eve plot.  Maybe they’re thinking Michael will seem more ominous if they rarely show him, like the shark in Jaws, but it’s just leaving him pretty flat and generic as a villain.  I do think it's pretty funny the first thing Dean does after Michael skedaddles is take off the silly hat.  

I feel like I should have something to say about Sam hunting for Michael with AU!Bobby and Mary?  Except I don't, really.  What little of it there was didn't make much of an impact.  It felt like any other set of scenes where the brothers split up to investigate but AU!Bobby and Mary were … there, I guess.  The only real thought I had about it was that the “joke” of Bobby forgetting what DNA was exemplified what Mark Sheppard said about the writers trying to force humor in rather than letting it organically happen.  Though, hey, at least it got Nick off my screen for a little while here and there.

Speaking of which, I guess it’s time to talk about the majority of the episode, which could easily be titled Castiel’s Adventures as the Worst Babysitter Ever.  Yet it was even less entertaining than that sounds.

Have I mentioned lately how much I just absolutely do not give a single fuck about Nick or Lucifer or any further characters on SPN handed to Mark Pellegrino to artificially keep him around?  The whole attempt at a touchy-feely moment with him whining at Castiel is just fucking interminable and incredibly boring.  Vessels get amnesia about what happened before they were possessed now … so Pellegrino can ham his hammiest through another quote unquote storyline.  Yay.  The thing is, I would maybe be interested in the idea of exploring how long-term possession affects a vessel after the fact in terms of mental state/memory/whatever … if it was literally any other character. The whole, “Nick magically doesn't know his family's dead, on noes! Nick randomly killed a guy, oh noes!”  Holy crap, I don't care.  I don't have anything personal against Pellegrino or anything negative to say about his talent as an actor, but at this point I would automatically opt out of literally anything he's in I am so sick of his face.

I tuned out through most of it (hey, at least this sweater's getting closer to done).  The only part that really even seems worthy of comment is how having Nick call Castiel out on his using Jimmy Novak becomes just another excuse for the writers to try to retcon sympathy into Castiel's past acts.  I don't think we need to harp, however many seasons later, on Castiel screwing the Novak family.  If we are going to bring it up, though?  Let's not keep playing this game where we try to turn it into a pity party for poor woobie Castiel.  This is just like what they did with Mary's deal, they brought her back and made her stone cold to her sons just to get to a resolution justifying a deal that was … perfectly understandable in the first place!  Likewise, I think most of us were clear that Castiel was a different creature in season four that didn't have the perspective to consider the consequences to Jimmy as a person.  Trying to go backwards, first with rewriting the rules of angelic possession to give him a special exception vessel (it’s okay I took Jimmy’s life away, he’s in heaven now!) and here playing it like, “Oh, look at my teary-eyed sad face!  Pity me, I'm just so very sad I ruined three human's lives!”  I mean, it’s canon that Claire was praying to him for literal years for help and he apparently just tuned it out until it was convenient to deal with her and hasn’t bothered with her since the Winchesters foisted her on Jody.  Poor Castiel!  Again, this is actively less sympathetic to me than if the writers had just left the whole thing untouched as understandable choices firmly in the past.

The absurdity of the conversations between Castiel and Nick is not helped by the idiocy of how of literally everyone there, Castiel is the one who should be least perturbed by an inability to separate Lucifer and Nick.  Come on, he's an angel himself, the idea that he's got some kind of human hangup about a clearly human Nick when we've seen angels recognize each other in different vessels is just absurd.  The same old bullshit the writers keep pulling now where Castiel is human-like when it's convenient and angel-like when it's convenient.  

I think Castiel's pep talks to Jack were at least a little better done, but that doesn't say much.  It also would have been more heartwarming for Castiel to go on about how Dean and Sam had to struggle and learn for years to get where they are if it wasn't plugged in by writers who think the best possible new characters are ones that become the most awesome hunters pretty much immediately with no indication any work or effort was involved.  If I wasn't so bitter about that and more actively invested in Castiel (whoever he is this week) and Jack (who I feel I barely know, still) I probably would have liked those scenes a lot more. 

Then again, considering the immediate mood whiplash at the end with Jack's turn from cuddly woobie to, “Hey, let's kill Dean”?  Maybe not.  No, I don't think Dean would want it any other way, but that's some impressively compelling proof you're a counterfeit Winchester, kid.

The actress playing the vampire Michael let escape did a pretty good job of making what Michael was doing sound scary and ominous.  Likewise, the couple playing Kelly's parents were convincingly warm and lovely people that made that whole scene more poignant than it might have otherwise been relying on the writing alone.  It was actually a pretty good mix of heartwarming and sad - but also with a palpable edge of uncomfortable deception, considering who Jack really was.  Calvert's performance was solid there, too, I just can't help but be annoyed that once again, Kelly seems like more of a 3D character now she's dead. 

I’m never going to care about Nick, but most of this?  If it had been side plots or individual scenes from other better episodes, I’d have no objection.  As an episode itself, though, it just feels like a bunch of minor asides put together to kill the available time, which is a baffling choice in a season that will have three less episodes.

[hourglassmermaid]

42 for prompt!

lmao i forgot that you were the one who requested this one, so i’m sorry for making you beta your own prompt request

read on ao3

[Prompt] 42. “I’m only here to establish an alibi.”

Hunter’s Moon is bustling. Maia runs up and down the bar, taking drink orders from werewolves and mixing cocktails for vampires. She’s flanked by two other bartenders Alec doesn’t recognize, but they seem competent enough — the seelie who made his gin and tonic didn’t fuck it up, so that’s something.

There’s a chorus of conversations melding into one cohesive backing track, accented by the clinking of glasses and crashing of ceramic plates. Everyone in the New York shadow world seems to think that Hunter’s Moon is the only bar in the whole damn city. It’s elbow to elbow at the bar, much fuller than Alec is comfortable with, but he focuses on his company and tries his best to ignore the crowd.

“I’m only here to establish an alibi,” Raphael says, leaning up against the counter and nursing his bloody mary.

Magnus chuckles beside Alec. “I know, Rapha,” Magnus humors him. “You wouldn’t be caught dead in any bar with less than one Michelin star unless you had to.”

Raphael rolls his eyes, pointedly ignoring the jab. “How much longer do I need to stay?”

Magnus absently presses a ringed finger to his lips, seemingly lost in thought. Alec can’t help but stare; he’s a weak man, especially when Magnus is accentuating his lush, kissable lips, and suddenly Alec starts to wonder how long they have to stay.

“Well, technically you only needed to make an appearance for Simon’s gig,” Magnus says, “and since that’s over—”

Raphael dashes out of the bar before Magnus can even finish his sentence, leaving his empty glass and a generous tip on the bartop. Alec and Magnus exchange a look, and Alec shrugs, taking another sip of his drink.

Maia makes her way over to them, summoned by the dirty dishes and exposed cash.

Jace finishes his beer and sets the empty bottle of Blue Moon in front of her.

“Need a refill?” she asks, plucking the bottle from the counter.

“Yes, please,” he says. “Also, would you mind putting on the Rangers’ game?”

“Sure thing.” She turns away from them to go refresh Jace’s drink and presumably fish out the TV remote, but pauses when a familiar face joins them at the bar. “Hey, babe. You were great tonight.”

Simon nudges into the space between Jace’s stool and a very surly, very disgruntled werewolf. “Thanks! You really think so?”

“You were okay,” Jace says, and Simon visibly deflates.

“I enjoyed the performance,” Magnus praises. “That thing you did with the synthesizer and the coconuts was… innovative.”

“It was alright,” Alec adds, and Magnus nudges him in the ribs.

Maia narrows her eyes at Alec, and Alec takes another sip of his drink to avoid her gaze. The lime in his glass is simply fascinating.

“Raphael said he liked it,” Maia lies.

Simon’s eyes widen. “Wait, he actually came? Is he still here?”

“He had some business to attend to at the Du Mort, unfortunately,” Magnus says, furthering the lie.

Alec apparently missed the memo that they were all supposed to coddle Simon, but he’ll try and be more sensitive for the rest of the night.

“Didn’t think he’d come,” Simon admits, “but I guess I owe him now.” He turns his attention to Maia. “Can I get a pint of O neg,” he asks her, and she sets off to fix their drinks.

She returns a few minutes later with a fresh Blue Moon for Jace, a glass of blood for Simon, and another martini for Magnus, even though he didn’t ask for one, but she’s excellent at anticipating like that. She looks up at the TV above the taps, her back leaning against the counter, as she flips through the channels until she finds the hockey game. She sets off to check on her other customers once they reassure her that they’re content for the time being.

“I forgot we’re facing the Bruins tonight,” Jace notes, taking a swig of his beer.

“Oh, yeah, fuck those guys,” Simon adds, wiping away a drop of blood from the corner of his mouth.

“I rather like the Bruins,” Magnus says innocently, not meeting their gaze.

Alec smiles knowingly into his glass as he takes another sip of his gin and tonic. This should be good.     

Jace and Simon lean over, staring at Magnus dumbfounded.

“You’re just saying that to get a rouse out of us, right?” Jace asks. “Like, you’re not actually into hockey or anything, right?”

Magnus sets his martini glass down on the coaster, and without missing a beat, fires back, “Does a Gordie Howe hat trick consist of an assist, a goal, and a fight?”

“Uh, yeah, it does,” Simon says, stunned.

“Holy shit,” Jace swears.

“Okay, but why the Bruins?” Simon asks. “You live in New York!”

“Have you seen Patrice Bergeron?” Magnus counters, and Alec can’t help but agree. The man is gorgeous and an absolute angel on the ice. They don’t call him St. Patrice for nothing.  

“So, you’re only into them cause the team’s hot?” Jace accuses.

“Absolutely not,” Magnus shoots him down. “They’re an Original Six team with more heart than half of the league. They have an unparalleled mixture of young and senior talent, and it’s inspiring to watch them lift each other up. They know how to rally when they’re down, and they never give up.” He catches his breath and after a beat, adds, “But yes. They are also an exceptionally attractive group of men.”

“Did you know about this?” Jace asks Alec.

Alec shrugs. “We went to a Bruins-Habs game a few weeks ago. Gotta say, it was pretty exciting.”

“Traitor,” Simon says with outrage dripping from his tongue.

Alec’s eyes dart to Magnus. Magnus is beaming up at him, clearly pleased that Alec’s taking his side in this pointless feud. Alec will always take Magnus’ side, whether the fight is on the battlefield or in a ratty dive bar. They’re united on all fronts — even petty ones like this.

Alec wraps his arm around Magnus’ shoulders, pulling him closer. He leans down and presses a soft kiss to Magnus’ lips. Magnus closes his eyes, melting into the kiss. Alec smiles into it, the warmth of Magnus’ breath and the feeling of holding him so close, sending waves of pure joy through his chest. They linger for longer than is probably acceptable in public, but Alec doesn’t care.

They finally part, and Alec says, “Tuukka could take Henke in a fight.”

“What the fuck?” Simon asks.

“You really are a traitor!” Jace yells.

Alec laughs. He’s going to keep stirring the pot for the rest of the night.   

[a-splash-of-stucky]

I Know This Game | Seven

Pairings: Bucky x Foster!Reader 

Summary: You can’t sleep, so you decide to get a few things off your chest.

Warnings: Some language. Mention of nightmares. Emotional turmoil. A whole lot of confusion. Brief mentions of sex.

Notes: I wanted this part to be very real, so it’s been minimally edited - I pretty much just typed it out in one go and rolled with it. Apologies for any typos and sorry if it’s hard to follow, that’s kinda what I was going for. I nearly made myself cry a couple of times, there.

Personally, this is my fave chapter.

IKTG Masterlist

You’re sprawled out on your bed, willing sleep to take you back into its clutches and give you a few more hours of mind-numbing blankness. But, after that nightmare, your brain is far too wired, far too riled up for sleep to even be a possibility. In the darkness, your mind flits back and forth between your memories of that fateful day, and the exaggerated dream version of those events. You’re simultaneously wide awake and utterly exhausted — but it’s the kind of fatigue that sleep cannot cure, which only drains more of your energy. The combination of hyper-awareness and weariness is dizzying, causing nightmare and memory to overlap and mesh into one another, distorting your perception of what is truth and what is a twisted concoction created by your overworked mind.

With a groan, you roll off your bed and slump onto the floor, dragging the blanket around your trembling shoulders as you curl into a tight ball. The room suddenly begins to feel overly constrictive, as if the walls are caving in on you. It’s too stuffy, the silence deafeningly loud — your senses are being overwhelmed by the still of night.

You need to get out.

You heave yourself up and stumble over to your dresser — tripping over the corner of your rug along the way — to pull out some clothes. Blindly, you root around in your drawers and grab the first things your fingers close around: a pair of jeans, and what feels like an oversized sweater. Your purse is by the foot of your bed, and from it, you grab your phone, keys and some cash that you stuff into your back pocket.

The dull red light of your alarm catches your eye as you’re about to leave your room. Its digital display tells you that it’s 3.56AM. You’re supposed to be heading to your clinic at 8 to squeeze in some work in before meeting with a patient. You already know that you’re probably not going to be performing at your best during that session.

The smell of rain is fresh in the air when you step outside -- that clean, damp odour that does wonders to invigorate your spirits. Puddles litter the sidewalk, reflecting the city night lights, making them glimmer and sparkle prettily. You find it quite ironic that you’re in such peaceful surroundings, as they are a sharp contrast to the chaos roiling internally.

You walk with no direction or purpose in mind.

Remnants of your terrible dream still linger in your head, and though you try as hard as you can, you’re unable to shake them off. A few images in particular come back to taunt you, over and over again: the way way Bucky had smiled, so familiar yet strange; how perfect he had looked with Natasha’s legs slung over his shoulders, and the detached coldness in Steve’s eyes. These twisted images haunted you in your sleep and now they torment you whilst you’re awake. You can’t help but try to analyse what they all might mean, why your mind decided to conjure them up.

Though the nightmare was obviously a tad melodramatic, you see the parallels between it and reality. Everything you’d come to accept as truth, all the pillars of support you came to depend on had crumbled beneath you, the foundations they were built upon having been weakened by the lies fed to you by people you thought you could trust. The sense of betrayal, coupled with the feeling that everyone seems to be against you leaves a sour aftertaste that you can’t get rid of.

There’s a park not too far from your apartment, and that seems to be where your feet are carrying you. It’s not particularly large, but there’s a bench in the shadows of an oak tree that for some reason, is especially nice to sit on. It’s your go-to place for when your mind is as restless as it is now. 

You try not to think about the fact that you used to take Bucky and Steve here on days out, sharing with them one of your favourite places in the world.

The bench is a bit damp from the rain, so you pull off your jacket and spread it out so that you can sit on it. You close your eyes and focus on breathing deeply, grounding yourself in the moment by listening intently to the bustle of the city around you; the distant wail of a siren, the yowling of alley cats, the various creaks and groans coming from the buildings in the near vicinity. It’s a symphony that you’ve grown up listening to, and it never fails to put your nerves at ease.

But, though coming outside for a breath of fresh air has helped to take the edge off the pain inside you, you still feel as if there’s a weight pressing down on your chest. Your mind is in turmoil because you have too many images, too many memories, too many disconnected thoughts floating around. It’s giving you a headache. You need to take part of it out -- mentally unload in some way.

You reach into your back pocket and pull out your phone, deciding to take a page out of your own book. You often encourage your patients to keep a log of things they’d like to say to people. Who those people are doesn’t really matter — they could be ex-captors, estranged children, fallen comrades, or a whole range of others. Even if the intended recipient never gets to hear those words, the act of writing out the things they’d like to say does wonders for the tortured soul. You figure you have a few things to say to Bucky.

You bring up your notes app, settle back into the bench and begin typing. The words come to you with surprising ease. It’s as if you’ve been subconsciously blocking a river of words all this time and now, freed from your mental dam, they come pouring through.

—————————————————

Hey Bucky,

Okay, I’ll be honest, I got no idea what the fuck I’m doing here. You’re probably never even gonna read any of this, anyway, but it can’t hurt to say any of it to you, right? Well, not actually say it to you, but a girl can imagine, can’t she?

God, that’s off to a great start. I feel as lost as you probably did when I introduced you to the induction cooker in your room at the compound. Holy shit, your face, Bucky, when I told you that that was a stove. I’ll never not laugh at it. If I’m ever having a bad day, thinking about your expression then always brings a smile to my lips. I can best describe it as a mixture of absolute cluelessness, mild horror and a little bit of curiosity. Yeah, it was a weird mix of emotions. That’s kinda what I feel like right now — a jumbled ball that’s feeling too much.

I can’t sleep, Buck. It’s 4.12AM, I have a client to see in about five hours, and I’ve only slept for six— and you know what I’m like if I don’t get a solid seven. I can’t function as a human, let alone a professional therapist. Things aren’t looking too great right now.

Can I tell you about my day? You’re not here to answer that, so I’m gonna just assume you said something like “Of course, babydoll,”. Actually, I just realised — it was technically my yesterday, but I’m gonna tell you about it nonetheless.

It was a day sent to me straight from hell, courtesy of the Devil himself. Honestly, it was the weirdest string of events to happen, ever.

So first off, after work, I got this email from Christine Everhart. You remember her, right? She was that reporter you said you wanted to strangle with your metal hand after that press conference about Tokyo. I sympathise with your urges; the bitch wanted to talk to me about working with the Avengers. I mean, that in and of itself is not enough to piss me off, I guess, bc curiosity is part of human nature, right? But god, the way she said it made me want to be sick, Bucky. I didn’t reply, obviously, but I wonder if it would damage my reputation so terribly if I just sent her a little ‘fuck you’.

Oh, and then Jane called me. I kinda forgot about that. I hadn’t properly talked to her in a while. She and Darcy invited me and the girls on a trip to Bali, can you believe it? If you know me well enough, you’ll know that I said no. Maybe I’ll change my mind later. A vaycay on the beach does sound pretty much like what the doctor ordered, even if the doctor is myself. Can you give yourself orders?

You know what Jane asked me? She asked if I still love you.

I told her ‘yes’.

It’s confusing, Bucky. I love you, but not in the same way I used to love you. Sometimes I wish the English language had more versions of the word ‘love’, because it’s way too ambiguous of a word. I say ‘I love you’ to Jane, but I don’t mean that I love her the same way I love Peggy, or Wanda, or you, y’know?

But, I digress. I was telling you about my day, no? So. After I got off work, I went over to Loki’s house. Who’s Loki, you ask? My new boyfriend. Actually, he’s technically my new ex-boyfriend, now (more on that later), but at the time, he was my boyfriend and I was heading to his house.

Are you following with this story? Am I even making any sense? Bear with me, okay? I’m sleep deprived and losing touch with reality right now.

Yes. So, Loki’s place.

I turned on the TV, and guess who the fuck I saw? None other than our very own Capsicle and his two goons, Birdman and Sparky Butt. How are they, by the way? Did Tony make Sam those new wings he’s been going on about? It was a news clip about them in Bangkok. When I saw those three on screen, I—I started thinking about when I went to see them, after I saw you and Nat together. You only came in towards the end, so I don’t know how much you know about the little exchange that went on between the four of us. I got no idea what Steve and Sam and Tony have told you (or, as the case may be, neglected to tell you), but I know for certain one thing they couldn’t have told you was my version of things.

I was so hurt, Buck, so betrayed. I want you to know that me deciding to leave the compound was not just your fault. The whole team has some blame to take. I felt so betrayed, Bucky, like everyone was in on a secret that I was not even aware of. It made me wonder how many more secrets there were, how many more there would be, if I decided to stay. I couldn’t live with any of that, Buck, so I ran. I left. Maybe I should’ve stayed to talk to you, but—I was hurt, okay? They talk about people stabbing you in the back? This was more like someone was driving a dozen swords into me from all directions. I was bleeding out everywhere, Buck. I was wounded, in every sense of the word. I can’t—

Okay, enough about that, I think you get the picture.

Back to Loki.

We had sex. You might wonder why I’m telling you this, I’m sure it’s not something you exactly want to hear, but it’s important. When he was…going down on me, I went off into my head. In the moment, I called him your name, by accident. He was pissed off, to say the least. We still went at it, but—I couldn’t stop thinking about you, Buck, and how we used to do things. That happened earlier as well. Not the me calling him ‘Bucky’ by accident, part, but the thinking about you bit. When he said ‘hi’ to me by the door, he wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my cheek. I don’t know why, but my mind was just reminded of you. When we were talking, my thoughts were of you. I just can’t stop thinking about you, today. Yesterday. Whatever.

And then, ho ho, this is the best shit ever. You’d think my night couldn’t get worse, right? Oh, but it’s me, of course it can. I was gonna borrow his phone to set an alarm, and what do I discover? That he’s been cheating on me with this girl called Sharon! Naturally, I broke things off with him. Hence why, he is now my ex. We weren’t together that long, actually, just five months. I met him about three weeks after left the compound. I know, so soon, right? I rushed into it, Bucky—don’t think I was over you that fast. I…I used him as a way to forget about you, not as a way to replace you.

I could never replace you, love.

So then I went home, and Peggy and Wanda tried to get me to talk, but I was so tired, I just went to bed. They’re both pissed off at you, by the way. I was in pieces when I left you, and they had to somehow put me back together. Even now, I don’t think I’m all here. I think you’re holding on to some of me, Buck, and I don’t know whether I want you to keep those pieces of me or not. It’s like I can never be whole without you.

I had a nightmare, Bucky. You—I don’t want to go into the details, ‘cause it’ll make you cry, and then that’ll make me cry, and that’s no good for anyone. But, in a nutshell, it was about you…and Nat. It was about that day I found out, except a billion times worse, exaggerated in dream-world, right? And I just got really shaken up by it. I was so weirded out, I had to get out of my room. And…that’s how I ended up here, on a park bench at 4.19AM and typing my heart out to you. 

Remember how we used to keep your nightmares away?

That first time it happened, I think Steve was gone. If I remember correctly, he was on a mission in Germany. I heard you screaming from down the hall Bucky, and it wasn’t the first time you’d done that, but it was the first time it went on for that long. Then I remembered that Steve was gone — in fact, I think it might’ve just been you and me at the compound, bc I’m pretty sure Nat and Sam went with him — so there wouldn’t be anyone else to wake you up. Now, some people might say that I was doing it to help you, but really, I was just helping myself, y’know? I need my sleep. You tell yourself whatever you want, but I’m being completely serious with you, Bucky, I was only helping myself. Not.

You were so scared when I first came in. Thought I should go away because you might accidentally stab me or something. I never told you this, but in the morning, I found a little bruise on my upper arm, from when your metal hand hit me. Completely by accident! And it was gone in a few days, I barely even noticed it. Don’t you dare beat yourself up about it, Barnes. I know you’ve got those puppy-dog ‘I’m sorry’ eyes right now, cut it out.

Anyway, that’s how Nightmare NightsTM began. You’d have a nightmare, I would cautiously wake you up, and then we’d head out to the lounge to watch a movie and have hot chocolate with extra marshmallows because you have the biggest sweet tooth of anyone I know. Sometimes we’d talk, but mostly — especially those first few times — you just wanted company, and I happily provided it for you.

You’d put your head in my lap, and I’d stroke your shoulder/neck, because you hated having people touching your head back then. I don’t know what we watched, usually. I don’t even know if you were watching, or if you went back to sleep. I had a tendency to doze off, didn’t I?

Eventually, the location shifted from the lounge to my room. I forget why we had to move. Or maybe one of us suggested it. Do you remember why, Bucky? Anyway, we set something up on the TV in my room, and that was the first night we snuggled together in a bed. In the back of my mind, I remember thinking that this was a breach of every single professionalism protocol I had established for myself, but I rationalised it by saying that you were a special case. I know you hate being called that, but you can’t deny the fact that your situation was unique, at least to me. Haven’t had to deal with a person like you ever before — and by that, I mean someone who’s had a wholly new identity engineered for them — and hopefully I won’t have to ever again.

Anyway, we slept together for the first time that night. And all I remember thinking is that I wouldn’t mind doing it again. You told me it was the best sleep you’d had in months and I knew that I wanted to help you get that as often as possible. How’re you sleeping now, Buck? Is someone keeping you company? Is Steve back on nightmare watch?

I don’t know why I still care about you. Sometimes I get mad at myself for caring about you. Other times, I’m just sad.

Okay, we’re getting into sappy territory, now. Do not hold me accountable for anything my crazed mind decides to spew out.

You’re beautiful, Bucky, you know that? You may not think you’re gorgeous, but I do. And your heart’s beautiful as well — though maybe not the way I thought it was. I know you’re trained to be a liar, but I also know that there’s some things you just can’t fake. There’s kindness in that big ‘ol heart of yours. HYDRA tried to take that away from you, but they didn’t succeed. Maybe they suppressed it, temporarily, but that kindness, that enormous capacity for generosity, that ability and desire to put everyone else’s needs before yours — that’s all you, Bucky. Winter Soldier or not, your kindness is what makes you James Buchanan Barnes, through and through.

So why am I here talking about your kindness, even though you dragged my heart through hell and then some? Honestly, I don’t know. Love makes you blind, I realised, but I think when it comes to you, love also makes me numb to the pain. Or, perhaps more accurately, it increases my tolerance for it. You’ve hurt me, yes, more so than anyone ever has, but—I don’t hate you for it. I don’t think it’s possible for me to hate you. Whatever we had was something special, to me, and…and no matter how badly I’m hurt—it’s like I said. Some things you can’t fake. You’re a good person, Bucky. I know you are.

God, I’m rambling all over the place, aren’t I? I hope you don’t mind. I haven’t talked to you in a long time, so I’ve got things to say. Plus, I’m in a weird mood, and you, of all people, know how chatty I get when I’m like that. It’s bloody 4.22AM, I should be asleep, for fuck’s sake.

I miss a lot of things about you, Buck.

I miss talking to you, Bucky. Of all the things we used to do together, talking was, sadly enough, my favourite. I love the sound of your voice. Notice the tense there: present. It’s true. I still love it. Nothing can change that. It’s one of the sweetest melodies my ears have ever had the pleasure to listen to.

I miss the way you smiled at me, like I was the only person that mattered to you in this entire world, like if everything came crashing down around us, you’d still run to save me first. Was that all a lie, Bucky? Did you mean anything you said?

I miss holding you. There was just enough of you to make me feel safe, enough of you for me to drape my body over. I’d give anything to have that again, to go back to that time when I didn’t know. I’d kiss you so good, love, better than I’ve ever done it before. Kiss your pillowy soft lips so tender, ‘cause Lord knows you haven’t had enough tenderness in your life. I wanna make you melt into the bed, Bucky, make you feel like you’re floating on the softest cloud in the sky. I’d run my hands all over your body, kiss all your scars, make sure you know just how gorgeous you are. I’d touch you like you’re as delicate as a china plate. I want to feel that intimacy again. When we had sex, it was more than just the physical connection for me, Bucky. It was like my soul had found its other half.

I want to be whole again.

I forgot how much lonelier it is to sleep in a bed without you next to me. Even when I was with Loki, I felt lonely. It’s like my body has gotten used to having you next to me, and it’s not going to settle for any lesser substitute. How have you been sleeping, Bucky? I know it was always hard for you to get to sleep. Is it the same for you, love, do you miss me? Or…do you have another body next to you to keep you warm? I hope you haven’t, but at the same time, I hope you have. I’ll not begrudge you your happiness, Buck.

Would’ve gave it all for you, cared for you So tell me where I went wrong Would’ve gave it all for you, cared for you

Bucky, do you remember when we played Snakes and Ladders with Steve for the first time? It was one of my first ‘alternative’ sessions with you, I remember. Steve once told me that the two of you used to be really competitive, and I thought that if we tried to recreate some of that competitiveness in a relatively safe environment, maybe we’d make some progress in terms of memory restoration. But, my oh my, I think ‘competitive’ is an understatement when it comes to the two of you. That was the first time I saw Steve visibly relaxed around you. It was the first time I saw you outright grinning, Bucky, the first time I had a ‘hallelujah we’ve gotten somewhere’ moment with you.

What went wrong, Buck? I just wanted to make you smile like that again, as many times as I could. It was one of the most breathtakingly beautiful things I’d ever seen. What’s wrong with me wanting to make you smile?

Bucky, I—how can I make you understand this? Love, I would’ve given you anything, anything I could give you and maybe a bit beyond that, just to see you happy. You deserve all the happiness in this world Bucky, after the hell you’ve been through — things I can only ever imagine. I know you don’t think you’re allowed happiness, that you’re not worthy of it, and that no matter how many times I say it, you’re never gonna believe me, but you do, sweetheart, you do.

Shit. I’ve just read the last few bits back and god, I’m all over the place. It’s 4.32AM, forgive me, okay? Do you mind that it’s so long? I have a lot to say, it seems, and this train just keeps on rolling down the hill. No idea when it’s gonna crash, bc I can’t see the bottom. I don’t know what’s waiting for me down there, but I don’t think it’s you, love.

I haven’t told you about my realisations, have I? I’ve had a few profound thoughts in the last 24 hours.

Well, after the events of yesterday, I was feeling really self-reflective, right? And I came to realise a lot of things. I won’t go into a lot of detail, because I think I still need some time to process things myself, but what I wanna tell you is that my relationships have always been the same. My love life is completely predictable. I meet a guy, we click a little (but not a lot), we have great sex, we’re happy enough with each other, and then he’ll cheat on me, or do something shady that breaks my heart and then we’re done.

You were the person to deviate from the mould, Buck. You were different, and I thought what we had was different. Did you feel the same?

I let things go so much further with you, Bucky. Ours was the longest relationship I’d ever had. I let you in in ways no one else before you had ever come close to. You saw things that I hadn’t shown anybody, not even Jane, or Wanda, or Peggy. I trusted you with pieces of myself that I didn’t want people to see; the darkest, dreariest parts of my soul. I thought…I thought you’d cherish them, that you’d see this as the privilege that it was. Do you have any idea how difficult it was to let you in? You told me that every single one of those blackened pieces was beautiful. Did you mean that?

A lot of things about how we separated broke my heart, love, but one of the things that hurts most is the way I loved you when no one else did. And, I guess, the fact that you didn’t see that. I cared for you, in ways I’d never cared for anyone before. Not just professionally, mind you, but when we got serious, too. Things were different. I was the first person, and for a while, the only person who truly loved you as you were — in your entirety, Bucky. I didn’t see the Winter Soldier and Bucky Barnes as two separate entities, but two halves of the whole. I know you hate that one side of you, but someone’s gotta make you feel okay with that dark part of yourself, and I was up for the job.

Did you let me in as much as I let you in, Bucky? Did I get to see all the worst parts of you, or were there secrets you kept? I’m not angry if you kept them from me. We all have our reasons, we all need different lengths of time to get comfortable and build trust, but just know that I would tell you that you’re perfect even if you told me that you were Hitler himself reincarnated. I’d think no less of you. You could open yourself up and show me how broken and tattered your soul is, but I would show you how every single piece — battered, bruised or worse — still shone brighter than any diamond. I was (am?) in love with all of you, Bucky. If you ever read this, play that John Legend song, will you?

I think that train’s finally starting to run out of steam, now.

Yeah. My heart is broken. But…I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like it’s hanging on by a thread, you know? It’s fractured into a million different pieces, but they’re all somehow held together by the thinnest gossamer of hope. Six months later, and even though you ripped my heart out and crushed it in your metal hand, I think it still manages to beat for you.

I don’t know about forgiveness, Bucky. I might not be fully broken, but I am still broken, still feeling the pain. I don’t know the full story, of why you and Nat, well. But if I did know…well, put it this way: have I forgiven you? I don’t think so. Can I forgive you? Quite possibly.

I don’t think you’re the kind of person who’d do that to someone else. Then again, maybe I’m just a poor judge of character. Sweetheart, I—

Hang on, let me take a break, my eyes are watering too much, I can’t see the fucking screen.

Bucky…where did I go wrong? I have a lot of questions, so I’m just gonna list them all here. What made you do it? Why couldn’t you come talk to me about it? You know I would’ve helped you, right? — if Nat was who you really wanted, I would’ve let you go, you just had to ask. What…were you unhappy with me? Was I not enough? What could I have done better, love — I want to know. I need to know.

Was I wrong to trust you? Did I give you too much of myself, too soon?

A part of me wants to make things better, with you. I don’t think we’ll ever go back to what we used to be — you can’t expect me to ignore something as monumental as that, so we can’t go back to the era of innocence we were in — but maybe, something with you is better than nothing. I miss you. Miss waking up next to you, cooking with you, getting into stupid fights with you. I miss chasing your nightmares away, and making you laugh and smile and talk when all you want to do is retreat into yourself. Hopefully, when the universe decides to be kind to me, we’ll find a way into each other’s lives again. Trust each other again.

Bucky, I got something to tell you, and if you forget about everything else I’ve said here, just know this:

No one tells you when you love someone — how would they know? Now, that wouldn’t be a problem if you yourself knew that you were in love, but the thing with you and me is that I, for the longest time, didn’t know that I loved you, because the love I felt for you was unlike what I felt for anyone else. It’s not a sudden epiphany I had one day, right? I didn’t wake up one morning and just decide that I was gonna love you romantically, no. It was more like…one minute, when I examined our relationship, things were strictly professional between us, and then the next time I go to assess things, I realise that we must’ve crossed the line at some point. It was something gradual, like walking through life in slow motion — but when my dumb ass finally figured things out, it was like…life made sense, y’know?

But on the same note, no one tells you when you stop loving someone. They can maybe tell you when to stop, but only you can decide for yourself when you’ve actually done the stopping — subtle difference, there. Because, Bucky, love, here’s the thing: I don’t think I’ve ever stopped loving you.

You look up from your phone, then, to take in the view. Physically, hardly anything has changed; you’re still confronted by the same row of bushes and shrubs, the same buildings in the distance and the same coating of water enshrouds all that it touches. But somehow, things are almost intangibly different — and that comes down to the fact that your heart feels lighter. The weight is no longer crushing your chest so hard you can’t breathe, the burden on your shoulders has somehow been made more manageable. That confession is true, and acknowledging the truth makes you feel lighter than air. You still have a few more things to say, though.

I’ve…never let things get as far in any of my other relationships as I did with you, Bucky. And because of that, I don’t know if it’s normal, the fact that I haven’t stopped loving you even though it’s been so long. It doesn’t make sense, right? You’d think after…after what you did, I’d be hurt and hate you, right? But—something tells me that you did it for a reason. I’m just upset that you couldn’t tell me what that reason was. Of course I’m wounded, but I think someone’s perfectly capable of being wounded and being in love at the same time. Is it confusing? Most definitely. I don’t know whether I want to kiss you more, or punch you more.

Actually, punching you would probably hurt me more than it hurts you, so…

But the point is, I still have feelings for you, you jerk. I don’t know how to rebound from you if I still have feelings for you. It’s been so long, I thought it would get easier — like, I’d just learn to deal with this gaping hole in my life, this persistent, never-ending pain in my body, right? But it hasn’t gotten better. It’s only festered and sometimes it closes up, but I pick at the scab, and pull out the stitches and then my heart is bleeding out onto the floor all over again. It’s crazy, Bucky, how much you can make me feel pain without actually being here.

I don’t hate you for making me hurt; I think we’re both at fault here. I should never have fallen for you in the first place. Don’t get me wrong, love, I don’t, for even a second, regret loving you when what we had was good, I just…I hurt. And I hate being hurt. This pain in my heart, I don’t think it’s something that will ever fade. No matter what I do, or how long I wait.

I don’t know how to pick myself up from this. It’s like you pushed me down a steep-sided valley and I don’t know how to claw my way out. I thought Loki would give me a lift, but he only took me halfway, and the little ledge we were balancing on was too flimsy to support our combined weight, so I just fell in again.

I don’t know how long I have to wait before I get over you. Is it a question of if, or a question of when? No one tells you any of these things. I want someone to tell me these things.

I still love you, Bucky. And, if you truly love someone, you let them be themselves. If that means you have to let them go, so that the person can move onto better things, then that’s what you do. That’s what I’m doing. This is not my blessing, but…I’ve gained some closure, from writing this. I’m a good therapist, if I do say so myself. I haven’t moved on from you, nor have I quite forgiven you, but I’ve taken the first step to solving the problem, which is to acknowledge that it’s there in the first place. Maybe now I’ll be able to walk around without feeling like the entire world is trying to crush my heart.

Bucky, I don’t think I’ve moved on from you. I don’t know if I’ll ever move on from you. Hell, I don’t even know if I want to. And even if I did want to, love, I don’t think I’d know how. How do I move on, Bucky? Tell me how to move on and live a life without you in it?

Is is even possible?

With all my love,

Y/N

—————————————————————

Feeling like you’re in a marginally better headspace than when you first sat down, you slip your phone back into your pocket. You feel good. Well, as good as you can be right now, at least. You stand up and do a big stretch, working out the kinks in the back of your neck and your legs. You shake your jacket off, then sling it over your shoulders. The wind has started to pick up, and you decide to head back to the apartment and try to catch a little more sleep before you have to get to your office.

You yelp when someone smashes into you from behind. It’s a man, that much is clear. He’s big and burly, and the back of your shoulder smarts from where you’ve just crashed into him.

“Sorry, ma’am,” the man mutters, voice low and rumbly.

“It’s okay,” you reply, turning around to face him, “I should’ve watched where I was going,”.

He nods curtly. You can’t see his face, because it’s hidden by the brim of a dark baseball cap and he keeps his head ducked down, as if he wants to avoid eye contact. He’s got a leather jacket on over a henley, and his hands are jammed into his pockets. He side-steps past you. You frown. You know that voice, that jacket looks familiar, and so does his hair—

“Bucky?!” you cry in disbelief.

The man whirls around to face you. It is him. His eyes nearly pop out of his head. “Y/N,” Bucky breathes, utterly astonished.

Looks like you won’t be getting extra sleep anytime soon.

--------------------------------- Condensed tags: @feelmyroarrrr​ @valkyeries​ @hollycornish​ @buckingoffthebed​ @moonbeambucky​ @sanjariti​ @in-winchester-we-trust​ @badassbaker​ @retroasgardian​ @lostinspace33​ @waywardpumpkin​ @jurassicbarnes​ @buchonians​ @katielu-blog​ @alohabucky​ @sarahmatthews7​ @i-should-probably-be-asleep-rn​ @toongtii  @barnesdeservestheworld​ @amrita31199​ @amour-quinn​ @ugh-supersoldiers​

[ohcaptaintarthister]

Everyone Has Secrets by Ellaria

FridayFabFic No. 1

Despite my intent to find the positive in the negative, there were some people rubbed wrong about my FridayFabFic. There are only two apologies I’ll be making: I’m sorry I don’t like your stories, and I’m sorry most of the stories I like are old. I stand by what I said about the current state of A LOT of JB fanfics but you should REMEMBER it’s only my opinion–ONE PERSON! I have no wish to be queen bee or anything (unlike some people). I don’t encourage people to have troll accounts so they can leave awful comments on works they don’t like and happily report to others their success at shooting down an author who only wanted to write differently. That’s a well-known fact about quite a lot of people in the fandom that’s nevertheless hard to swallow–at least for me.  

As mentioned before, you might not like what I like, you might approve, or you might be curious enough to check out why I like some stories and find confirmation I’m a fucking kook. I’m willing to discuss but try not to be defensive. You want to be heard, I’ll listen. But when I do, do me the courtesy of hearing me out as well. If you think there are stuff I should check out, either comment on this post or message me. 

If you’re still reading, then maybe you’re curious to find out what I say. Yay! Again, you might be doing so to find further proof what a crazy ass I am. That’s okay too! But since you’re here, let me tell what I look for in the stories that will be in FridayFabFic:

1. COMPLETE. Thus, no WIPs.

2. MULTI-CHAPTERS. I’d like to include one-shots but that would mean considering a type of story under this category that I really don’t like. No, I’m not sorry. Guys, we’re not fascists. We’re allowed to have different opinions. You don’t like angst, you don’t like major character death, well I don’t like…FUCK. I’m shutting up now. People take things so personally, Jesus. Let me pour you some Valpolicella.

3. NO CATEGORIES. Meaning it can be canon-continuation, canon-divergent, crack, modern AU, and universes upon universes. I’ve read a lot of JB. More than I’d like to admit. I lurked around AO3 for a long time before writing fanfic. I would read practically anything. What matters is…

4. THEY’RE WRITTEN BEAUTIFULLY. Such as, despite the reader knowing what universe the fanfic is written in, the writing is not predictable. The depiction of Jaime and Brienne, even if OOC at times, still works in the universe of the story. The story is compelling, a page-turner, a nail-biter, swoony. It can be a lot of things but what I look for is characterization that has depth and whose journey takes me for a ride.

5. AND…THEY PUSH THE ENVELOPE. The joy behind reading fanfic is favorite characters are placed in different situations by the writers. I’m a sucker for anything where Jaime and Brienne go through an emotional, even physical beatdown. I like them when they start out broken, or halfway through the story a monkey wrench whams without warning onto them and things are just never the same. One of them may be die. Or both. As long as the writing prepares the reader, the events are justified and works in the world of the story, PLUS it’s done well, THAT’S the kind of writing I look for. So, don’t count on fluffy stories here. They’re just not my thing, ‘kay? Here. You could use another glass…hey, don’t throw that at me! That’s perfectly good wine!

And so, awesome people, let’s raise our glasses as I unveil the first FridayFabFic… 

Everyone Has Secrets by Ellaria

Summary: (from the author–always acknowledge, guys!)  Political journalist Jaime Lannister finds himself out of alternatives when Millennium, his magazine, becomes endangered by his reckless actions. Brienne Tarth, a professional hacker charged with the task of investigating him, will stumble upon more than she expected. The mystery of a disappearance ten years earlier will draw them to Winterfell, where more than one secret might be uncovered.Based on The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson.

Stuff I probably shouldn’t say but will anyway:

EHS is fucking better than the original. 

Why: 

I read this fanfic first before cracking open Stieg Larsson’s novel. I like EHS better because, and no offense to those who love The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, this fanfic delves deeper into the characters. Every sentence from Ellaria is a beating heart. I am lucky to have read this when it was already complete, and can only imagine the hell readers must have gone through waiting for updates. It’s not just a fantastic edge-of-your-seat thriller but the developing romance between Jaime and Brienne has the slow unraveling, if one can say, found in a Jane Austen novel, but also with a jagged, breath-taking sexiness. You read Everyone Has Secrets either with a cup of your favorite tea or a glass of pinot noir. 

Squee Moment/s: (I had to pick my two absolute favorites)

“Sighs turned into panting, blood mixed with sweat and water. She noticed his bleeding increased due to the motion, but it was not in her to stop anymore. He shifted his angle and shoved himself deeper inside, grazing a place that she had never known was there. With a whimper on her lips she was dragged into total whiteness, an absence of existence, a moment where their juncture was all there was. Letting go of the last of her control, she felt her walls grasp him tightly and dug her nails into his back, trying to keep herself grounded.”

                                     *********************************** “I agree now,” Jaime said, looking straight into her eyes, all traces of his amusement gone. “I should have fought for you, even if I had to fight against you. I should have brought you back, screaming and kicking, back with me, where you belong.”

Jaime Lurves Brienne:

“It will take you at least two whole days.” Lannister frowned and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. “Not to mention that your ass is going to be flat as a board by the time you get there, and you’ll be walking like a cowboy.”

“My ass?” She shook her head in disbelief. “What do you even care about my ass?”

Brienne Lurves Jaime:

The movement caused the blanket to flap around her, and Lannister’s scent filled her nose. For some reason, it felt intoxicating.

Holy Shit Moment/s:

“Here’s what we’re gonna do,” he told her, placing his large hands on the desk. “You’re gonna get on the table and spread those ugly legs of yours, and I’m gonna fuck you until I’m well and pleased. Then I’ll sign the check for your allowance and pay you like the whore you are.”

                                 ***********************************  

It was fierce and loud, and came from the mouth of a big, wolfish mutt that ran towards him. Its yellow eyes regarded Jaime with rage, he barked again and again, slobber dripping from its open jaw. When the animal made to bite, baring his teeth fiercely, Jaime’s instincts took over—he pulled the stag’s antler out of the direwolf and struck the dog on the shoulder.  

Read it for:

1. The high emotional stakes. Every chapter ends on the right note, and long after it has, there’s still that lingering hum. Or purr. I won’t spoil the ending for you other than saying it ends pretty much on such notes, rather than with a bang. And the denouement is as smooth as scotch.

2. The action sequences. Jaime’s fight with a wolf is my favorite.

3. The HAWT sex that finally happened! From the time Jaime catches Brienne in her underwear outside her apartment, to their sexy online late-night chat (I kind of wanted to bang their heads together and order them to just get it on, damn it), until their very much anticipated first time and all the other times that got even more emotional and sexier. 

4. And the ending. It’s one of the most perfect endings in Modern AU JB fanfics. It’s a perfect ten!  

5. Here’s the link! http://archiveofourown.org/works/1126633/chapters/2271647

Oh, and one more thing, Everyone Has Secrets won Third Place in the 2016 All-Time Favourite Game of Thrones Fanfic at Fanatic Fanfics. It’s clearly a winner!

Sorry again that I was a little late. Migraine is an evil bitch fucker finally banished by the magic of a Thai oil whose name I can’t pronounce. I’ll be on time next Friday!

Thanks for reading!

[marshmarrowsans]

Time Heals All Wounds: An Ending

Sooo I posted this fic without its epilogue because I didn’t want the anon who requested it to have to wait forever, and now the epilogue is here!  Whoever sent in the original request, I hope you stuck around.

It was the best night of Sans' life.  He'd never seen you so happy.

 It was no big life event, no major milestone.  All that had happened was you gave a stellar performance at a presentation you'd been dreading for weeks.  He had been there in the audience to support you, of course.  He was the only one who could tell how nervous you were. But then you fixed your eyes on him, and he flashed you that relaxed smile of his, and...  it all went away.  You knocked it out of the park.  And you were ecstatic about it.  Now he was walking you home from the event, you dressed to the nines and him looking pretty lack-luster in comparison with his same old hoodie and shorts, in the chilly evening air with crickets chirping a symphony all around you.

 "Articulate, Sans!  They called me exceptionally articulate!"  You laughed, hopping up on a wooden ledge enclosing some flowers and walking along it like a tightrope.  "When have I ever been described as articulate, let alone EXCEPTIONALLY so?"  You seemed to have boundless energy, seemed to be itching to put it into something. He almost envied you, but more than anything, he just felt happy for you.  He could practically feel the strong, healthy hum of your soul inside your chest.  What he wouldn't give to see it, that beautiful soul of yours that made his own soul throb and sing...

 He stood at your side, but down on the sidewalk, and offered you his hand. For balance, of course.  You didn't hesitate to accept his quiet offer.

 "i think you're exceptionally articulate," he offered, softly and matter-of-factly.  You just scoffed at him. "Oh yeah?  Bitch, where?  When I was trying to say either 'fooey' or 'shucks' in front of Frisk and ended up screaming 'FUCKS!' and Toriel scolded me?"

 He grinned so wide at the memory.  "that's a certain kinda articulate.  but nah.  i was actually thinkin' about that letter you gave me.  uh, a few months ago."

 You blushed and seemed to falter a little.  He held on to your hand tighter.

 "don't fall."

 "Don't tell me what to do."  You recovered, and slowly began to smile again, but in a bit more of a bashful way.  "... Anyways, that letter.  I feel like we never really talked about it.  Or the other thing I gave you.  Have you needed to use it?"

 Sans paused for a long, long moment.  He didn't want to worry you. "...  Hey, it's alright.  If you have, then I'm glad that my gift is being put to good use, and if you haven't, I'll still love you."

God, he loved and hated it when you did that.  His soul was too stupid to remember that you only meant it as a best friend kind of thing, so it never failed to skip a beat when he heard that from you.  But at the same time, he knew how lucky he was to be hearing that from you at all. So he loved it more than anything, and hated it just a little bit, but he hated himself for hating it at all. He confused the hell out of himself sometimes, so much he almost forgot to speak.  In the end, he decided honesty was better than secrecy.

 "yeah.  sometimes when i'm really sad, and it's like i can't trust in anything.  and also sometimes when i'm really happy and i can't believe that things are going my way.  it's crazy how much it helps.  thanks a bunch." he chuckled softly.  "see? i'm the inarticulate one here. you give me this amazing thing that... seriously helps me through some issues that nobody else has even tried to address.  and all i can think to say is thanks.  i dunno what else to say.  but i hope you know i mean a lot more than just thanks.  i don't know how to repay you."

 You got the biggest, dumbest smile on your face, and he knew right away that you were up to something.  You had a face like that meme cat with the knife pointed at it.  He almost dreaded whatever fresh hell you had in store for him. "uh oh.  not sure i like that impish look right after i offered to repay you for something big.  what's up?"

 You brought him to a halt by jumping down from your perch to the spot right in front of him on the sidewalk.  "I know how you can repay me."

 Oh, stars.  You were so close to him and you were holding his hands in yours and your whole face looked even more beautiful than usual when you smiled like that.

 "okayyy...?" While you were wondering if you were weirding him out a little, he was busy being completely and utterly distracted by your eyes and your lips.

 "How 'bout a kiss, bone boy?"

 ...

 "...  huh?!" Sans was legitimately unsure if he heard you correctly, or if this was some kind of dream, or even a glitch in time.  A glimpse into an alternate universe where you actually wanted him to...?

 You held your hands behind your back, pursed your lips a little, and bounced on your heels, but you repeated yourself loud and clear.  "Dude, I know you don't have lips, but come on. I've shown you Disney movies."

 "no, i, i know what a kiss is, i just..." He clutched his chest, willing his soul not to just spring out and bare itself to you, not to prove beyond a doubt the strength and resilience of his feelings for you like it wanted to. "help me out here.  are you being serious right now?"

 You quirked an eyebrow at him.  "Are you?"

 Great.  Now he was blushing like the idiot he was.  He let go of your hands to pull his hood over his head in quiet embarrassment... but you just smirked at him and carefully, lovingly removed it again.

 "Alright.  Fine. I'm serious," you confessed. "What about you?"

 He couldn't contain his soul anymore.  It glowed in a distinct heart shape in the center of his chest, cast shadows of his ribs through his shirt, gave everything away without him having to say a single word.  But he said it anyways, breathless with anticipation.  "yeah..."

 You moved in a little, then stopped, cracking a doofy smile.  He knew just how you felt.  He was feeling it, too, that simultaneous anticipation of something so new and so incredible just on the horizon, mixed with his love for you, the love that had been there for as long as he could remember, the love that made you his best friend, made you feel like home, made him smile when he thought about spending the rest of his life with you.  It was that love for you that made him stand up on the tips of his toes and tilt his head back to offer his teeth to you.  It was no glamorous Hollywood kiss, that was for sure, considering one party was lipless.  But he didn't give a damn right now, and you gave negative damns.  You cupped his cheeks in your hands, moved the rest of the way in, and began to kiss him.

 Whether he ever admitted it to you or not, Sans had spent a lot of time over the past few months thinking about what it might be like to kiss you.  Some days, when you had a bit of an attitude, he pegged you as a bit of a hard kisser, one who would dig your fingers into his skull and kiss him like your life depended on it, like you were stealing the breath from his non-existent lungs and leaving him gasping.  Some days, when you were sad, he imagined that you kissed slowly and longingly, that you might pull him into your arms as your lips danced against his teeth and hold him in a silent plea to never leave you alone. Other days, when you were happy, and especially when you had some special moment together as best friends, he just imagined you kissing him with a smile on your lips, a smile to match his. Those theories were all a little right, but all a little wrong.  It was no chaste kiss whatsoever.  You pressed your lips to his mouth straight on at first, but then tilted your head and kissed him like you meant it.  It was a firm and confident kiss, one that betrayed no hesitation, and you stroked your thumb over his right cheek, and you were smiling, he could feel it every time you tilted your head.  He knew it was bad kissing etiquette, but he couldn't stop himself from opening his eyes a little to look at you.  He couldn't see anything but your softly shut eyes, but god, you were the most fucking beautiful thing he'd ever seen. It took him a moment to realize that he was just standing there like an asshole with his hands hovering over your waist.  He gently rested his hands there, the warmth of your body just reaching his fingers, just enough to bring him total clarity.

 Holy shit.

 He was experiencing his first kiss.

 He was kissing his best friend.

 He was kissing you.

 He found himself kissing you harder at that realization-- pulling you closer to him, leaning eagerly into your touch, letting one hand roam up almost to your shoulder while the other roamed down to your hip.  It felt like all those months of friendship unraveling all at once, or maybe blossoming was a better word-- yes, blossoming into something entirely new and beautiful, and that best friendship was still there, it always would be, nothing could ever make him stop thinking of you as his best pal. But it gave way to something else, too: the kind of love that set his soul ablaze.  You were everything at once to him.

 When you pulled away, neither of you could tell, but you both had the same expression.  Wide-eyed and smiling, in disbelief, in awe.  In love.

 "Holy shit," you spoke first, in a low whisper.

 "the holiest of shits."  Sans grinned up at you, a familiar smile with a rare blue blush. And then he stretched up to give you another kiss.  This one was much shorter, because after a couple of seconds, you both got a case of hysterical giggles and had to pull away from each other.

 "Hehehe!  Damn it, Sans."  You hugged him and rested your chin on top of his head.  He nuzzled gratefully into your chest, feeling like he could just purr like a cat when you rubbed between his shoulder blades.  "Alright.  Fess up. How long?"

 "oh geez.  i mean, i realized it when you gave me the pocket watch.  but, at that point, i was already..." he trailed off.  He didn't want to come on too strong.  He didn't want you to freak out if he dropped the L-bomb that was on the tip of his tongue.  But he looked up and saw the hope in your eyes and knew that it would be alright.  "... i was already in love with you. and i was too far gone to remember when i must've actually, uh, fallen for ya'.  but if i can make an educated guess?  considering you're you, 'mpretty sure i must've started falling for you the day i met you."

 You laughed and gently pushed him away from you by the shoulders at that.  "Sans... sweetheart.  You are SUCH a sap.  But what's important is that I love you, too.  In case you couldn't tell by the passionate makeout we just had."

 He huffed out a soft chuckle that produced a single cloud of mist in the night air.  "we did just make out."

 "Yep." "that's a thing that happened."

 "I hope I can count on it happening again."

 "you bet your sweet ass you can."  

 One moment, Sans was smiling up at you, happier than you'd ever seen him, wrapped up in your embrace.  Then he took a step away from you, then turned his back to you and shoved his hands into his pockets.

 "...  Hey, is everything alright?"

 Tick, tick, tick, tick...

 He could feel the steady rhythm of the pocket watch in his hand without even taking it out of his pocket to look at it.  He shut his eyes, he focused on it.

 Tick, tick, tick, tick...

 It was strong.  It was constant. It was certain.  You were strong.  You were constant.  You were certain.  This was reality, and nothing could take it away from him.  But in the end, it was your voice, not the watch, that brought him back into the present.

 "What's the matter?  Talk to me."

 "it's just...  the happier i get, the more scared i feel.  the more i have to lose, if..."  he sighed, shaking his head.

 "...  The higher you are, the further you have to fall," you agreed quietly. "...  yeah."  He turned back around to face you.  "but it's stupid.  i can't live my whole life in fear of that."  He reached out and held your hands, just like earlier.  "...  i'm ready to start...  moving..." "...  Forward in time?" you completed his phrase.

 You smiled at him.  He smiled back at you, reached up and tucked some of your hair behind your ear.

 "yeah.  forward in time.  with you."

[jugxbets]

Archie's Little Sister: Chapter Ten

[saturnmyg]

GANGSTA CHAPTER ONE

Min yoongi x Mafia!reader

warnings :  violence, drug abuse, cussing

Genre: angst, fluff, romance, drama

word count: 2,992

summary: Min yoongi aka Agust D an underground rapper on the come up , finds y/n outside of a club hurt and on the verge on passing out, little did he know saving her would turn his world upside down

AN: hey guys sorry for the late update, things have been hectic lately. anyways this isn't proof read yet but it shouldn't be all too bad.-sora

Another Author note & update: i changed the whole pov back to third one cause i felt that it would suit the story the most so hope yall dont mind

@josh-the-smol-bean-dun as always ill tag you in this!

character profile

Intro 

Chapter one 

Yoongi took out a cigaret and lit it up. he sighed ,lately he hasn't been feeling his performances. he knew they were good but not that good, there was something missing and he couldn't pin point  it. He lost his inspiration, everything seemed almost mundane, sure he could rap about money, sex and drugs but which artist didn't rap about that. He wanted that his song inspire the listener, that it resonates with them on a deeper level .

He thought about writing love songs but every time he tried to he kept remembering his ex who was the personification of the devil and what she did to him and he'd rather not think about that. ‘’Business again?’’ He heard the security guard asking someone . ‘’As usual’’ came a monotone voice that belong to a girl.

The Security guard moved aside and open the door ,he then saw as they passed by him that it was two people. First a tall black beauty with a beanie followed by a girl of medium height with a low pony tail. As she walked she turned her head and their eyes met. Her stare was piercing, as if she could see into his soul , however they held no emotion it it.

He smirked at her and blew out the smoke. In response to that the nameless girl lifted up one eyebrow, as if to ask him if he seriously thought that would get her to come to him. And then rolled her eyes.  Before he could even say or do something, the girl and her friend already disappeared inside while the door closed behind her.

The Club was packed, hot bodies grinding at each other , drunk people laughing, some even trying to start a fight. Y/n crinkled her nose, the alcohol stench mixed with sweat was definitively not on her list of favorite things. Rukiya who was standing in front of her turned around, took her hand and and started to walk where Akiho was standing, which was hard as they had to squeeze themselfs between people to get to their destination.  

As they arrived there Y/n sat down on the bar stools while Rukiya decided to stand. ‘’Four Tequila orange shots please’’ The tall beauty screamed over the music to the blonde girl . She nodded and immediately started to pour out the shots.  

‘’They're supposed to be here at 9.30pm-’’ Akiho said as she lined up the beverages. Meanwhile Rukiya leaned closer to her so that she could understand the short girl ‘’Apparently something happened with the boss and they had to delay it a bit.’’

 Rukiya raised her eyebrows ‘’Well i don't care if they got stabbed or anything, it will make this night better if they're not at a good condition’’ she said and handed Y/n ,who was scanning the club looking for any signs of Gang member from other groups , the glass.

‘’Anyone catching your eye?’’ came Rukiyas voice right next to her ear. ‘’Nah i wasn't even looking for that.’’ She replied and rolled her eyes . ‘’C'mon boss let loose we're at a club!’’ The dark skinned girl exclaimed , Y/n looked at her, the strobing lights accentuating her features making her look otherworldly, yet slightly bizarre, and sighed. ‘’Aight lets get this party started’’ Rukiya cheered and held up the shot

‘’To hoping this meeting will not turn into a blood bath’’ She said and clinked the shot glass together. ‘’Damn did you need to ruin this moment with that negative shit? ain't no one wanna think about 'em right now’’ Rukiya grimaced.

‘’Aight hoe, to us and the gang may we stay together for a long time’’ She retorted and Rukiya grinned. They both threw back the shots and bit into the orange slice that the Akiho had provided earlier. The shot burned in Y/n’s throat which led up to her scrunching up her face while Rukiya threw her head back and laughed.

‘’I'm going to look for this guy i saw that has black hair and crazy ass dance moves’’ The tall girl shouted over the music and disappeared in the crow, Y/n nodded and waved with one hand and pulled out her phone.

Y/n: Status report

Hyun-jin: hacked into their security camera and from what I've seen and heard he's going to keep his word, i wouldn't go 100% on that though, something in my gut is saying that they're going to ambush you guys, be careful.

Y/n: Alright good, ill contact you later.

Hyun-jin: K                                                

Suddenly the music went off, while all the light was focused on the stage that was in the front of the club.

‘’Hey Hey Hey! i see you guys having a great time but the rap battle is about to begin, as ya'll already know all types of rappers are here tonight some that are even famous so you know its going down in this bitch.’’ Said the Mc ,a bald guy who was wearing a white tank top that showed off the tattoos on his chest and arms. He continued to introduce some guy that you have never heard of.

The crowd responded by giving semi- cheering as the Artist came up to the stage.

Loud bass filled the club and he started to rap, it was okay thought Y/n but judging from how the crowd was responding she clearly weren't the only one with that opinion. ‘’Not bad not bad!’’ said the Mc after the nameless rapper finished.

‘’Not bad ? that shit was whack’’ came Akiho's voice who was still behind the counter. ‘’Even Hyun-jin could spit better than that and what the hell was going on with his hairline?-’’ She continued as Y/n nodded and proceeded to take a sip of the drink that Akiho had provided earlier. ‘’It's so far back it probably  shook hands with Jesus’’ Y/n snorted almost spitting out the drink, turned around and playfully glared at the blonde girl. ‘’you tryna kill me?’’

‘’oh hush you would've been dead by now if i wanted to’’ she waved her off, which was a bold faced lie and they both knew that. ‘’Where's Rukiya though? they will be here in five minutes and her ass still ain't here yet’’ Y/n coughed. ‘’Right here beside you, its time you grow eyes on the side of your head’’

She heard the velvety voice that belonged to the tall beauty. Y/n turned around and there she was, standing in all her glory while next to her was a black haired boy.  She looked at him, then back to Rukiya and raised an eyebrow. ‘’This is the dude i was telling you, you know the one with the dance moves’’. ‘’Ah yes i remember’’ She answered and took another sip  

‘’I'm Jung Hoseok nice to meet you guys’’ He said and smiled brightly. He was cute Y/n would give him that, but she had a feeling there was more to the sunny demeanor that he'd let other's see. They all exchanged pleasantries until Akiho nudgedY/n showing her the time.

Her eyes widened and she turned around ‘’anyways Hoseok right? nice meeting ya but its time for us to disappear’’ Y/n said. His face fell and he nodded ‘’Don't worry lover boy give her your number and shell text you all day, literally.’’ She deadpanned while Rukiya shrugged her shoulder. ‘’cant blame me i love texting’’ ‘’more like sexting but thats for another topic’’. He laughed at the banter between the two girls and pushed his hair out of his face.

‘’I cant be with you guys i'm the only one on this shift tonight’’ Akiho sighed while shaking the cocktail mixer. Y/n waved her off ‘’Nah no problem we can handle this tonight but i'll have you on speed dial if something is’’ ‘’Alright see you and be safe’’ Akiho replied pouring the drink into the glass.

‘’Will do, c'mon Rukiya lets go’’ She threw over her shoulder.  The tall girl typed her number into his phone and then whispered something into Hoseok's ear ,which he replied with nodding and then continued to kiss him on the cheek leaving him flustered with a slight smirk on his face.

Y/n  laughed ‘’You totally have him hooked’’ ‘’I hope so , he's so fine bro like i touched his stomach and  holy fuck was it hard he probably got abs . It's like god came down and took his sweet time sculpting him’’ Rukiya sighed dreamily ‘’I wanted to propose on spot bitch he got it all , personality, body etc,  no joke i would no fuck that, i  WILL spread my legs like peanut butter for him’’the shorter girl grinned at that ‘’spreading them cheeks from Georgia to Florida huh’’ ‘’aside from the fact that we're in South Korea and not America , yes’’ Rukiya smirked.  During the whole talk they walked to the back side of the Club where an hallway was that led to the Rooms that one could rent.

‘’Alright they're supposed to be behind this door, Hyun-jin hacked into the security camera's here so she'll watch us from time to time’’ whispered Y/n ‘’I swear if we get killed tonight I'm coming back to haunt her sorry ass’’ Rukiya mumbled and secured the halter on her left thigh. ‘’Seconded'' she replied and took a deep breath and opened the door.

Another successful performance for Yoongi, the crowd loved him and he was pretty sure that he'd win the rap battle tonight. He took the towel and the bottle of water that the staff member handed him and wiped his face. ‘’Yo yo yo suga my man you really tore it down tonight’’ said Jihoo, the mc from earlier, and wrapped an arm around yoongi. ‘’It was given’’ came his reply a faint smile on his lips.

‘’True man true’’ the guy laughed and messed up the rappers hair. ‘’How long are you going to stay bald tho you already look like a yakuza with them dragon and snake tattoos’’ Yoongi asked. Jihoo wiggled his eyebrows ‘’you don't know that i used to be in a gang?’’ Yoongi deadpanned, he's known Jihoo for almost ten years now and from what he'd experienced and seen from him he wouldn't survive one day with the mafia. '

‘’Remember how you called me at three o'clock in the morning cause of that spider in your bathroom?’’ ‘’That spider was huge Yoongi do you hear me? h u g e’’  The mint haired boy sighed and peeled off Jihoo's arm that was still around his shoulder ‘’Stop being so dramatic it wasn't you're just a wuss’’ ‘’Im not’’ came back as ‘’whatever you say’’ said Yoongi and waved as he made his way out from backstage.

He walked over to the bar and sat down. He first looked at her face and then the name tag. ‘’Akiho? give me whiskey on the rocks’’ ‘’Coming right up’’ she replied and went right to work. A few minutes later she put down the drink in front of  him ‘’here you go’’ ‘’Thanks’’ he replied and took a sip. The liquor burned his throat giving him pleasantly warm feeling. ‘’He sighed  ‘’having a rough day?’’ she asked her expression indifferent ‘’More like a rough year’’ she hummed at that ‘’aren't we all?’’  ‘’I guess so’’ he answered and shrug his shoulders. ‘’Well at least you're not suffering alone’’ she said and continued to dry the glasses.

Yoongi threw back the remaining's of the drink, put 20 bucks on the bar-table and hopped off the stool ‘’Keep the change’’ he said over his shoulder, not waiting for her reply as he made his way outside. He opened the door that led to the backside of the club where no one was. He wasn't really in the mood to be with someone. The loud music mixed with the stench of the club gave him a slight headache. He took out a cigarette lit it and inhaled deeply and stared at the night sky.

A groan ripped him out of his thoughts , he looked around and didn't find anyone. ‘’did i just imagine that’’ he thought weary . Only a few seconds later he heard the same noise again but this time he could distinguish from where it came from. He put his hand on the wall and walked slowly to where the garbage was and saw a person or thats what he thought it was, leaning against the trash bags. The lamps on the wall weren't working making it hard for him to distinguish who or what was there

‘’Fucking hell where's my phone’’ He muttered and checked his leather jacket. A few seconds later he found it and turned on the flashlight app. He was surprised, the object turned out to be the girl he saw earlier on the front side of the club. Bruises tattered her face , neck and he presumed they were everywhere. ‘’Fuck what i'm i supposed to do now.’’ He muttered and ran his hand through his hair. As he picked her up he noticed that on one side the fabric of her sweater was wet and kinda sticky. He lifted it up and saw an open wound.

Fuck fuck fuck he panicked , let down the material and put her arms around his neck and hold her legs so he could give her a piggy back ride to his car. Once he arrived at the parking lot, forgetting about the winner announcement , he put her into the passengers seat and put the seatbelt on. Now that the car light was on he could look at her  properly.  She had sharp features that at the same time seemed soft. Long eyelashes and plump lips. She was beautiful but to put it short she looked like a hot mess.

Moving slightly she groaned out in pain. He panicked he didn't know if he should bring her to the hospital or to his apartment and stitch/bandage her himself up. The wound didn't look that deep so it couldn't be that bad right? Yoongi started up the car and drove home. 

He put on relaxing music and hummed slightly to calm himself down. Where had she come from? why was she beaten up to the point of unconsciousness, where was her friend that she came with? All these questions ran through his head but there were no definite answers, yet.

He finally arrived home , this time carrying her bridal style up the stair which was a bad decision as he now couldn't reach for his keys in jacket. He sighed, put her down and quickly opened the door to his apartment. Putting her on his couch and went straight to the kitchen, took  out the first aid kit and returned. ‘’She better don't kill me for this’’ he thought and started to pull off her sweater leaving  the nameless girl in her bra. He took out the antibacterial liquid and cotton and started to clean her wound.

From time to time she would move and groan and swat as his hand away when the pain got too much. After some time cleaning it he took out a cream and bandages and carefully bandaged her up, He decided not to stitch the girl up since he had no experience in it or whatsoever.

 Fifteen minutes later he was finished, stood up and sighed. Yoongi picked her up again and walked into his room and put her on his bed. Taking a shirt, he contemplated if he should give her a pair of sweatpants but he thought that he'd be pushing it so he decided not to.

He pulled the fresh shirt over her head, covered her with the blanket and went to the kitchen to get glass of water. He returned , placed it on the nightstand and also left some painkillers beside it. The mint haired boy took out another blanket and his pajamas and walked back into the living room. He quickly changed into the comfortable clothes, brushed his teeth and washed his face and laid down on the couch. It wasn't even five minutes before he was knocked out.

Y/n opened her eyes. Well she tried to but couldn't as one eye was swollen. The pounding coming straight back as the light hit her full force. Groaning she lifted her head and saw that on the nightstand water and a pill  she assumed to be painkillers. She reached over took the water and drowned the pill quickly. Thats when she noticed that she was in a unfamiliar room. The walls were painted white, littered with decorations , pictures and papers. Next to her was a huge kumamon plush bear ‘’ Where the hell am i’ She asked herf and jumped out of bed.

‘’Bad decision’’Y/n  muttered as she had almost collapsed from the pain on her ribcage ‘’fuck what did that fucker yesterday do’’ She continued and slowly walked down the hallway into the living room. She looked around, the living room was decorated similarly to his bedroom, just that there was also was a couch, tv and a dinning table. Speaking of couch thats where she saw the mop of unruly mint hair that belonged to the boy from yesterday night. The rest of his body was hidden underneath the blanket. It was a miracle that he hasn't choked to death yet from not breathing fresh air.

Y/n slowly walked over and shook him. With no avail ‘’wake up’’ She shook him again. He grunted and turned the other way. She sighed deeply still clutching her side and tried to rip of the blanket as best as you could with one hand. ‘’Dude wake the fuck up’’ She said , still not answer it was like he was dead.

 Finally after a decade she ripped the blanket of and shook him hard it wouldn't surprise her if he got a concussion from it . ‘’The hell?!’’ he grunted and quickly sat up and looking around.  Y/n lifted her eyebrow when his eyes landed and her

‘’Where the fuck am i and what the hell am i doing in your home?’’

hey hope you like this part!!, again id love to hear your criticism and opinions on this chapter!  

[big-stupid-jellyfish]

man, why is there so much words to say about some stupid kids

part 1, part 2

3,5 words, bnha, still unrated and painfully unedited,  kirishima, bakugou, other kids, mortal kombat as plot device, some descriptions of abusive parents, etc

mmmmmaybe it’s time to put this on ao3 or something but fuck no, i am not ready to edit any of this or come up with a name, or figure out the chapters outta this mess, really

There was another videogame night at dormitory.

Tetsutetsu found some worthy competitors among their class, or at least that's what Bakugou got. He knew about this because this time Kirishima invited him. After brief consideration (and a good look at Kirishima's hopeful expression) Bakugou accepted the invitation.

There wasn't any reason for him to get involved into this kind of thing, but at some subconscious level Bakugou understood that a "why the fuck not" was as good reason as any. Social contacts before he moved into the school dormitory were almost exclusively out of necessity, rarely a pleasant business for him, the only satisfaction he got from which was victory - over something, anything. There was something slightly intriguing in how these highly competitive kids that were gathered in U.A. also willingly spent time together.

It was also rare for him to not be in the center of attention. Bakugou didn't like it, his instincts screaming to stand out, to have every pair of eyes on him, to prove he is worthy of the spotlight. He learned to appreciate the good observation point that the sidelines made, and he was making notes on the information he got on other people that couldn't have been obtained from his favorite method of learning, direct confrontation.

He clinged to these points to save himself from realizing that maybe, just a little, this whole thing was kind of fun.

He wasn't even particularly annoyed at occasional case of dumbassery or even presence of Todoroki. The latter seemed to be in similar position to Bakugou, quietly sitting in the chair by himself, observing the group and the game with his freaky cold eyes. For all his declarations of how he wasn't there to make friends, Todoroki was impressively bad at not socializing with his classmates in a friendly manner.

Bakugou kind of hoped he didn't start giving off the same impression of an impossible loser as Todoroki.

After a while, when the game mechanics were more or less absorbed by Bakugou's sharp mind, his thoughts turned to Kirishima, as if gravitating towards him. He seemed truly in his element in the group of his friends, loud and bragging about his skills and victories, but at the same time subtle and filling between the sharp edges of the people here.

Bakugou wondered how much of his classmates' friendliness towards each other was actually Kirishima's doing, and how much they weren't even aware of that. Was Kirishima himself aware of that effect he had on them? Watching how Kirishima calmly talked Tetsutetsu down from fuming at Kaminari who tried to recharge the controller with his quirk without watching his output, absorbing the negative emotions and turning them into smiles and jokes, Bakugou concluded that he knew very well what he was doing.

This felt almost relaxing, to know that personality crashes were being actively smoothed down by someone like Kirishima. Bakugou didn't care about chaos he frequently caused by simply being himself around people - but he found he didn't mind the absence of it.

He tried to distract himself from thinking about his classmate, suddenly uncomfortable for no reason, and turned his attention back to the matches. Currently, Uraraka, under Ashido's guiding, apparently, was kicking Sero's ass. It was somewhat painful to watch.

"Block low, holy shit," Bakugou muttered to himself. Uraraka seemed to deploy the ancient and very effective technique of button mashing, obviously new to the game herself and incapable of performing juggling combos that were hard to break from. Sero just needed to find the block button already.

"He'll get hit with overheads immediately," Todoroki suddenly answered him.

Bakugou didn't mind distractions from thinking about Kirishima, but he minded Todoroki.

"What the fuck do you know? You don't even play," Bakugou glared at him. Those complicated moves of mixed up hits were pure luck on Uraraka's side, and that seemed like a reasonable margin of failure.

"Yeah, you don't play either, Bakugou," Sero grinned to himself. Bakugou noticed he followed the advice, to Uraraka's dismay.

He also noticed Kirishima paying attention to them now, ready to intervene.

Uraraka broke through Sero's defenses with an overhead hit and claimed the victory. For some reason she decided to glare at Bakugou with a frown, as if he was somewhat hindering with her game instead of pointing out the obvious things.

"I think this dispute should be resolved in a friendly match of Mortal Kombat," Kirishima declared, waving at Sero and Uraraka to get up. Next thing Bakugou knew was that he was sitting in Uraraka's place, controller shoved in his hands, and next to him was Todoroki, in the same position with the same puzzled look.

"Watch out your quirks, you jerks," Tetsutetsu said, ever worried for the state of his console and controllers, but much less livid about either Bakugou or Todoroki than ever.

"I never played this kind of game," Todoroki said, slight change of his even tone indicating shyness. He was examining the controller buttons as if this was a snake.

"Mash the buttons, sometimes you'll get it right," Kaminari said, taking place by him, while Kirishima sat on the sofa handle next to Bakugou.

"Before that, basics," Kirishima said. "This part is movement, this part is hits, this is block, like that you grab," he quickly went through the sets of buttons on the controller in Bakugou's hands. "The rest is up to the characters you pick."

Bakugou couldn't care less about actually playing or what character to pick and everything else, but he was pitted against Todoroki of all people - the only worse case scenario would be to be set up against Deku. The concept of backing off ceased to exist.

"I don't give a fuck. This one," he grumbled and pointed at the very first fighter. Some ninja again.

For some reason, this choice was met with giggles.

"Scorpion! Oh my god it fits," Kirishima openly laughed. "He is angry and sets people on fire," he explained under Bakugou's hard look. Unspoken "Just like you" followed.

"Can I pick something fitting as well?" Todoroki played along to the nonsense.

More giggling.

"Yeah, you're looking at your fit," Kirishima was unambiguously enjoying this. "Sub-Zero, freezes people and makes tea."

More giggles. Todoroki looked pleased.

"A fated fight between the rival clans," Kaminari exclaimed dramatically as they went through the boring intro scene and looked through movesets with Kirishima raving about some combos and Tetsutetsu butting in with his own advises. To Bakugou's relief Todoroki seemed to be as confused as him about what was so funny about their fight.

First thrity seconds or so went quite horribly, both boys unfamiliar with controls and not having a slightest clue how the buttons they pressed corresponded to the movements on the screen. It was enough for Bakugou to have a displeased scowl on his face, ready to throw the controller away, but oddly nobody minded them being clunky with the game, cheering on the occasional move being successfully pulled off.

Bakugou wouldn't say he understood the hype over watching a shitty fighting match.

"Button mashing is pretty fucking boring," he said after two rounds. He won the first one, Todoroki won the second one, and it pained Bakugou to look at how gracelessly and ineffectively both did it. He could consider this fun only on two conditions being fulfilled simultaneously: him winning and him being good at winning.

Todoroki seemed to have some complicated emotion about this, as well, but Bakugou was out of patience of guessing what, given that generally Todoroki's expressions were a game of "spot the difference in two completely identical pictures".

"It just takes some practice," Kirishima replied, nonchalant. "Do you mind?" He directed the question at Todoroki, to which he nodded, without needing further explanations, and Kirishima slid off the handle to take place behind the sofa. "With some practice you can pull off something like that," suddenly, Bakugou heard that in his ear as he felt Kirishima's hands on both of his sides, placing them on the controller over Bakugou's.

Kirishima started pressing buttons over Bakugou's fingers and, judging from the hitting noises from the display, that connected, but Bakugou found himself staring at Kirishima instead of the fight. He was close, bangs of the ruffled hair touching Bakugou's face, grin so bright that it was a little blinding in such close proximity. Kirishima looked proud, showing off, and it probably would be for the best to turn and look at what he was showing Bakugou, but he found himself unable to do so.

"Ah! Dropped it," Kirishima exclaimed, face lively with emotions, and pouted for a second. "Thirty five percent, though, not bad!" Another smile full of sharp teeth and some warm emotion Bakugou couldn't name. "Then you can do this," Kirishima said, eyes glued to the screen, still unaware of how little attention the game was getting. Bakugou blinked, unsure how to process what he was feeling.

He wanted to tell Kirishima to knock it off, that he didn't need this patronizing attitude, but he was stuck in this Kirishima-gazing. So many of his thoughts were dedicated to this idiot lately, Bakugou was belatedly realizing, he recognized the tiny shifts of his expressions now, the concentrated frown oh these funnily looking eyebrows, jaw jutted forward as he was pulling off something amazing on the screen - Bakugou wouldn't know, he was too preoccupied with watching Kirishima's feautures relaxing into a victorious smile.

"See? That wasn't that hard," Krisihima pumped his fist in the air and now grinned /at him/, and yeah, how did intruding his personal space become such a problem for Bakugou?

"I see," Bakugou said flatly, feeling his ears burning, betraying his facade, acutely aware of Kirishima's hand gripping his shoulder while the other one was on the controller over his own.

It took him hearing snickering around him to snap out of this weird state, and suddenly he remembered about existence of other people. Todoroki was the first one to resume existing in Bakugou's world, and the bastard pointedly looked at the screen, face perfectly void of any emotions which was an indication good enough that he noticed. Then, Uraraka came into his line of sight, and she was doing that thing with her eyebrows that resembled caterpillars mating.

/Then/ there was Ashido giggling and Tetsutetsu asking what happened, and that was enough.

"This shit is not worth investing time into," he said and got up, hearing a light-hearted "Fair enough" from Kirishima. His heart was pounding with emotions as Bakugou tried to pound them back, risking to explode them all.

Without other words, he left the common area, in sore need of solitude and space to think.

* * *

Kirishima was in this hiding spot again, back pressed hard against the fence. He felt like he couldn't breathe, not with Yaoyorozu's hand on his chest like that, not with Midoriya petrified by his side.

Why couldn't he breathe? He was allowed to do that. He wasn't allowed to be there, to reach out to his classmate in trouble, he was not allowed to fight. He was allowed to breathe.

Kirishima forced a gulp of air into his lungs with a sob, and it didn't help.

There were noises - the fight broke out, and the terrifying presence of this unnamed somebody was diluted with chaos of the battle. Kirishima heard voices - of heroes, concerned, careful, of villains, crazed and unintelligible. The oppressive atmosphere exploded - that was the sound of Bakugou fighting, desperate and furious.

Bakugou was not allowed to fight either, Kirishima thought, but what other choice did he have? What other choice did /they/ have?

Suddenly, Kirishima was lying in a bed, in a room that might have been his. What happened? Was it over? Did they get everyone out? He couldn't breathe again, fist clutching his t-shirt against his chest. He tried to fight this paralyzing helplessness, aware enough to realize that was a dream (another bad one), but did they got everyone out? Was Bakugou okay? If he went and checked Bakugou's room, would he find him there?

Kirishima woke up fully in the exact moment as he banged on Bakugou's door, loud and desperate.

He took a step back, movements still stalled from the sleepiness, almost tripping on the blanket he took with him again, and thought if the situation was still salvageable if he just went to his room, hoping he didn't wake his classmate up.

The door opened, putting an end to Kirishima's cowardly thoughts of retreat as he was faced with Bakugou's displeased expression and the urgent need to find words that would resolve this situation. He didn't find any, not in this short time, so he just stood there, wrapped in his blanket, feeling dumb.

Bakugou scowled and, after a pause, stepped from the doorframe and made an inviting gesture. Surprised, Kirishima followed him inside the room.

In confusion, Kirishima watched Bakugou promptly falling on his bed, not paying the late intruder attention. After some consideration of what to do, still at loss of words, he sat on the floor next to the bed.

"Nightmare again?"

Kirishima startled at the question.

"Bad dream," he corrected Bakugou stubbornly. "Sorry to wake you up," he finally said, rubbing his eyes, and- hell no, they weren't wet, were they?

"I wasn't sleeping."

"Oh."

Kirishima wondered why. The atmosphere in the room was weird, and he wasn't sure if he could attribute that solely to the late hour. He tried to not get too comfy with his blanket, feeling it would've been pretty stupid to fall asleep on the floor. Bakugou was quiet on his bed, silence uncomfortable and thick between them.

This day, Bakugou's parents visited him. Kirishima caught a glimpse of them and overheard everything else too well for his liking. It was somewhat expected for Bakugou have relatives as explosive as him. What Kirishima didn't expect and wasn't prepared for was the sheer animosity he felt from Bakugou's mother towards her own son when she demanded from him to introduce Kirishima to her. Nonchalant smiles on both parents' faces weren't really making up for the harsh words they used.

He played it safe, bowing as deep as he could, speaking as respectfully as he could - and all that got him was a praise from Bakugou's parents at expense of his son.

"So nice to see a boy who knows how to make a good impression," Bakugou's father smiled warmly. "I hope our Katsuki doesn't give you too much trouble to deal with, given his lack of manners."

Bakugou glared at his father with a deep scowl.

"Not at all!" Kirishima waved his hands before him, gesture defensive and calming, even though the adults before him were smiling at him. "It's always good to work in team with Bakugou! He's smart and strong." He smiled sincerily. He hoped it worked.

"Cut the crap, kid, you don't have to flatter him just because he's a loud-mouthed and spoiled brat," Bakugou's mother said, and the words sent chills down Kirishima's spine. What in the world was /wrong/ with these people?

He looked briefly at Bakugou in that moment, asking silently for any kind of hint of what to do. Bakugou's expression was eloquent: it told him to run. Kirishima excused himself, making up a pile of homework he needed to do and retreating to his room.

He hadn't done any homework that day, walls between his and Bakugou's room not too thick to drown all the yelling. It was impossible to make out the words most of the time, though, and in a sense, it was a blessing.

So much for being "good with people".

"What did you see in your bad dream?"

Kirishima snapped out of his thoughts, his mind returning to the room of his classmate he was dozing off in. Bakugou's question caught him off guard.

"I told you already," he said, ruffling his hair. "Just me and the others, hiding and feeling helpless as the others were fighting."

All these thoughts and memories weren't really helpful in dissipating the morose mood. Now, Kirishima thought, he also had a good chance to be laughed at for being such a wuss.

"Why the hell does it bother you so much?"

If Kirishima knew himself, then it wouldn't pose such an issue for him.

He heard Bakugou's frustrated sigh.

"You still went for it, didn't you? All those fucking rules of not involving yourself be damned." Funnily, Bakugou took the lack of response for invitation to explain his question better.

"Yeah, only after Midoriya came up with a working plan," Kirishima shrugged, too caught up in his anxious post-nightmare state to hear the subtle praise in Bakugou's voice. "Before that, I just realized that I dragged my friends into a situation with no idea how to get you out. Everyone was fighting, except us. You were fighting, too," he added, needing Bakugou to know how much difference that made.

The silence that followed was loaded with emotions too heavy to process this deep into the night.

"Why did you come for me?"

Kirishima blinked.

"I couldn't sit there and do nothing while my friend was kidnapped," he muttered, thinking about how instead of that, he got to the place where things were happening and would be doing nothing /there/ if not for Midoriya's plan. "That was worse than... now, I guess." He meant his current dreams of helplessness.

A pause.

"What, no second thoughts about me maybe switching sides?"

At that, hearing the veiled sneer in the question, Kirishima turned to see his classmate. Bakugou was lying on his back, hands under his head, pretendingly relaxed. When he heard Kirsihima moving, he side-eyed him, expression unreadable.

Somehow, this sight helped to read the atmosphere better. This weird feeling of peacefulness in the room was fake. Bakugou seemed calm, emotions muted, no outbursts, no insults.

Except Kirishima saw Bakugou actually maintaining calmness in the midst of his outbursts, like an eye of the storm, successfully harnessing his emotions, reckless just enough to be more efficient. He was skilled in controlling his rage, making it serve him just like he used his explosions to gain him superior mobility. What Kirishima was seeing was Bakugou being subdued, extinguished. Upset even, maybe.

He wondered why Bakugou even let him see him like that.

"Dude, these guys were idiots for thinking that you are villain material. Don't imply that anyone who actually knows you is /this/ stupid," Kirishima tried to keep his tone even to match his words, harsh and true. Now that he realized how unwell Bakugou looked, he wanted to fix that. He guessed that as with everything involving Bakugou, the methods would be unconventional.

Kirishima heard a surprised chuckle, and counted that as a win.

"And really, even if anyone /would/ have these second thoughts, seeing you fight these guys would be enough to smash these thoughts into pieces," Kirishima added for a good measure. He knew that Bakugou was paying attention to his words now, and it seemed fitting to express his admiration for Bakugou's strength in this moment. He felt warmness in his chest as he was saying that.

"Seems like some people are that fucking stupid," Bakugou said, voice finally colored with some emotions.

Kirishima took that piece of information close to heart, examining it.

"Like your parents?" He took the bite, hoping very hard that he made the wrong assumption.

Except that it made sense - Bakugou's parents' attitude, him being uncharacteristically quiet, as if drained, these weird questions, and the most telling of all, silence that followed this reply. Righteous fury flared in him.

"They had teachers' word that I didn't go to them willingly," Bakugou finally said, voice steady with contained anger that Kirishima was familiar with. "Still fucking rubbed it in my eyes like that was necessary."

"No offense, but your parents do sound stupid."

"No shit."

"And they thought I would lie to flatter you!" Kirishima couldn't help mentioning it. He turned to see Bakugou again, to articulate how much that bothered him properly. Bakugou had a strange expression on his face, looking as if he was biting down some mean remark, strangely vulnerable.

"I don't wanna talk about them anymore," he sighed and rubbed his eyes sleepily.

"Okay," Kirishima still sounded indignant, but he dropped the topic, looking straight ahead of him once again.

This time the silence was more comfortable. Kirishima liked the change of the mood, glad - even relieved - to actually do something to mend Bakugou's miserable state, and without tripping the landmines of his classmate's ego, it seemed. It felt important to let Bakugou know that he was willing to help him out whenever he needed, that he could rely on Kirishima.

Before Kirishima could come up with words he desperately wanted to say, unsure of this urgent need to do so, he heard Bakugou's breath calming down. He turned to Bakugou for the third time and saw him fast asleep.

"Yeah, good idea," Kirishima muttered to himself quietly and got up to leave, convincing himself that they could talk like that again later, feeling hopeful, looking forward to it.