#the whole growing up autistic and hated is getting to me | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

talon-dragonbeast · 2 months ago

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weird rules, social expectations and Being A Woman

you know, something that really pisses me off about Society (tm) is how normativity is just so mindlessly, happily rewarded, even by the most tolerant of people. specifically (but not exclusively) regarding to gender expression.

i am a woman. i was born a woman, i live as a woman, i am perceived as a woman, and i even identify as a woman. ill admit i also have some gender fuckery going on in here, but my internal identity is, frankly, nobodys business; im happy to be assumed a woman, because i honestly dont care how others perceive me in this regard. but. this doesnt mean that i am happy to do the whole nonsense routine that is required to be considered a Real Woman by almost everyone in this god darn planet. i dont do makeup, i dont like to style my hair, i mostly stopped shaving, and you couldnt pay me to care about clothes.

my mother is always telling me about how pretty i am. growing up, i heard it all the time. you have such beautiful curls, if i had hair like yours i would let it grow a lot longer (thanks, i like it shorter tho). im so jealous of your eyes, they are so blue! (haha yeah, i was born with them). i bet this dress would look so pretty on you, why do you never wear skirts? (they just make me uncomfortable, i like my own clothes anyways). if you wore makeup more often you would look so much more beautiful (i like how my face looks, thanks). you should shave your legs, they look bad like that (you never tell [brother] to shave his legs).

it is infuriating. i hate it so, so much. i am a woman, not a doll to play dress up with. and if i have to pretend to be a human, the least that society could do is to just let me exist in peace! it drives me crazy that all this is even expected. worst part, it is fucking Everywhere.

this christmas one of my cousins got me a new pencil case. it is pink and green, and has some cats and snakes and bugs and moons drawn on it. it is beautiful, and although i wasnt too thrilled about the color, i figured it was cool so i began using it. one of my friends saw me take it out during class, said oooo [name], thats so pretty! and gave me a Look. i dont know how to explain it without sounding crazy, but i swear it was like she was saying, so now you like Woman Stuff! you know what Look im talking about, right? when you finally cave in and do the feminine thing, and its like everyone is so happy that youre finally filling your expected role in life. it is weird as hell. i dont like it.

but like, this is my friend, who supports me being aroace and autistic and IS BISEXUAL HERSELF! something something, leftism leaving peoples bodies when a gender non-conforming person does something that is stereotypically associated with their gender. idk, its a bit like dog training when you think about it for a second. in animal training (and i mean proper animal training, not beating your dog until it stops barking), good behavior should be rewarded, while bad behavior is supposed to be ignored so the animal learns to only do the good behavior. you do the feminine thing, and you get smiles and compliments; you stop doing it, then suddenly gender presentation doesnt matter. and this... training behavior is, of course, mostly unconscious, with its perpetrators unaware that theyre even doing it. if i asked my friend what she meant by that, she would say that she didnt mean anything, she just liked the case. if i asked my mother why do i have to shave while my brother doesnt, she would say that its just how things are.

its just how things are. its how it always has been. its how it always will be. so just shut up, smile, and pretend it isnt happening. pretend youre not being trained like a dog to salivate at the sound of a bell. it doesnt matter, it isnt happening, so why bother thinking about it? dont think about it. stop thinking about it.

#i am tired and angry if you couldnt tell. but this helped so. *does jazz hands* look at my essay boy.#whispers of the dragon #alterhuman #otherkin #nonhuman #gender #my writings

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timkontheunsure · 17 days ago

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what do you think of stolas and asmodeus's relationship?

Ooof... Ok I think Asmodeus has a problem with neurodivergents, and Stolas is very obviously autistic. (And it'll take a bit of explaining cus I do really like Ozzie. But I think this is where he's going to get character growth. So sorry for being slow).

They are very unlikely to ever be close friends; because of Ozzie's bullying, even when he gets passed it.

Stolas looks extremely worried to find out Ozzie's there when we first met him.

But no, I don't think they'll ever really be friends. (But I'm can see Stolas and Fizz becoming friends though).

It's really good writing to have the carer to his physical disabled partner, be bit ableist to invisible disabilities.

Ozzie's a fairly lovely guy otherwise, so it's nice reminder that anyone can be guilty of this.

"Asmodues can be very invasive in his humour. But I thought it was pretty funny myself. What he said about me at least. I enjoys being the subject of jest. Maybe you can say mean things to me too next time you come over" (text from Stolas to Blitz).

His text shows this isn't the first time Ozzie's done this. It's normal for Ozzie to grab him and taking the piss out of him.

"He enjoys being the subject of jest" because it's always just a joke, and Stolas is always the punchline.

Then there's Ozzie behaviour in Opps, like how he reacts during Stolas' appointment. Showing up four hours late without even apologising. (Stolas is just days out of the hospital).

And Ozzie's basically pissed off for Stolas existence during the whole of it.

Getting annoyed at very petty things like Stolas not taking the right seat, and giving him a real answer to a verbal wallpaper question "Still gettin' yo' kink on with that feisty imp?"

He doesn't actually want to know the answer; even though it's the whole reason for the meeting, and treats all Stolitz could be as a race kink. Fizz would probably have been annoyed by that microaggression.

Then Ozzie assumes that Stolas wants to drug and rape Blitz. Assuming the worst of autistic people motivations is unfortunate common ableist microaggression.

It gets much more obvious when Stolas volunteers to help get Fizz home safe; Ozzie's behave gets worse.

With Ozzie being irritated that Stolas stop him signing the first contact, that would have allowed Crimson to decapitate Fizzarolli.

Stolas is so happy be able to use his special interest to help. But Ozzie is extremely unimpressed and angry because of Stolas' stimming.

Then after Stolas quickly writes up a workable deal, and the lawyer is slow; Ozzie sets Stolas on fire.

Through the 11 hour kidnapped Stolas faces all of Ozzie's anger and aggression, right till Fizz come back. Then it's directed at the lawyer, who up till then is only told to read faster.

Ok so he needs the lawyer alive and unharmed to rescue Fizz right?

So that means Ozzie is 100% capable and aware of controlling his anger.

But is choosing to take it out on the guy giving him help. That's like being a dick to your nurse because you're in pain. It's unstable but still a shite thing to do.

Then there's Ozzie being ungrateful callings 11 hours of free help, expecting nothing in return; as being "stuck with Stolas all day".

Some neurotypicals really do just hate you on sight for missing social cues, and Ozzie is being that guy. Even after Stolas saves his lover's life.

And he does the same thing when Stolas does what Fizz was begging him to do; save Blitz from being executed. Unable to hide his irritation.

He really complains that the free help he receive is comes from someone he finds annoying.

Even if Ozzie grows up, and takes ownership of his bullying behaviours; I can't see it as healthy for Stolas to be perfectly ok with him after this.

#helluva boss #Stolas and Ozzie #Stolas is autistic #Ozzie's bad behaviour

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flowersandmiel · 2 months ago

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I love Smitten

The popular dislike for Smitten makes me believe I'm right with my take that annoying characters will always be hated more than any actual villains. And it's also probably (unconsciously) because of the fact that he displays so many autistic traits, autistic traits that many people have hated me for in real life. Like:

-Strong sense of justice (believes himself to be the good guy, the narrator the bad guy, and antagonise him so much he calls him villain) And takes those beliefs as justification to kill us in the Damsel.

-Strong positive feelings that are considered inappropriate (and are too, tbh. but he doesn't see that. I'm referring to his exaggerated love for the Princess despite having just met her)(I'd argue it's also projection, while i don't think it's a symptom of autism, I suffered from that a LOT growing up. I would often judge people by what I believed them to be, what I needed them to be, instead of what they were)

-Self-agressive reaction to big emotions (when the Princess rejects us in the damsel, we then get HEA, or when we the decider kill the damsel and Smitten kills us in return)

-Genuinely believing he knows better than others, and it fueling toxic behavior (HEA)

-Might seem like a stretch, but weird speech pattern. He uses many 'old' words, has exaggerated intonation/tone, and talks really loud

-Also I could argue that he's got some cognitive rigidity. Sure he doesn't seem to when he kills us, but that happens out of big emotions, like I said before. But wanting to stay forever in the same place, instead of facing the world, reality, and responsibilities shows some rigidity that Hero doesn't show, for example. Or with The Burned Grey, where despite all clues leading to the conclusion that the Princess is dead, Smitten refuses to consider that it might be true. He believes something, and struggle greatly to change that belief.

Also I'm not saying people aren't allowed to find Smitten annoying, or aren't allowed to dislike him. But I'd advise that you don't judge his character like you'd judge a real life person, he's a character, forced into a specific context, AND, he is the reflection of our actions. I actually think it's also a reason why many people don't like him, I've always taken him as a way to tease the Player for trusting the Princess so easily despite the clues implying there is something wrong with her in chap 1

Not sure what my point really was with all this other than I love Smitten, and I'm always confused to hear he is heavily disliked for HEA, when like. It's my favourite chapter!!! xD Because of the subtext, because of what it represents, because of what it warns you about!!! The whole point is that it's mostly boring, that's the fcking point!! It wasn't an accident, it was clearly what they intended when they wrote that chapter! It's literally telling you: You cannot stay inside forever, you cannot redo the same things over and over, you cannot stall forever, you have to face your responsibilities, you have to open your eyes when you're in the dark, and realise you can leave. You should leave.

Smitten is in denial, that's the point, and that's why I love him

#slay the princess #stp smitten #stp meta #slay the princess meta #stp voice of the smitten #stp the smitten

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aspd-culture · 2 months ago

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aspd culture (onset since young childhood) is wishing the community would talk more about how traumatic it is to grow up like this. not just because of what’s been done to us to make us this way but how traumatic it is to grow up antisocial. i have so much grief about it.

CW, for pwASPD, this may be upsetting to read.

Completely agree, like yes to get this disorder, we had trauma to begin with, but also growing up with ASPD is extremely traumatic itself. The earlier the antisocial traits come up, the more risk the child in question will spend their whole life ostracized and potentially hated for things they cannot control.

A child with antisocial traits appears (in my experience from discussions with prosocials about how they saw me when they met me) to have a similar “uncanny valley” impact that autistic people get. Somehow, it really feels like the second I met someone, they knew something I didn’t know about myself - saw something wrong with me I couldn’t see. I was told I was “weird” by people who didn’t know me - which is the autism - but also people I’d never met said they were scared of me. This sometimes continues into adulthood, or sometimes we get good enough at masking that people stop being able to tell. Regardless, there are almost always a number of years we deal with that, leading us to have less if any friends on top of what we’re already dealing with.

And that’s not all - we also have to deal with the symptoms themselves without having any idea what’s going on. Our brain has been convinced we can only trust ourselves and that everyone is out for only themselves and we can’t trust anyone fully. We grow up often without being able to let anyone but a close few in, if that. We grow up without the instincts or understanding of how and why other humans form these deep social connections and how they’re doing it safely but we can’t seem to be able to without getting hurt.

And humans, as pack animals, need to be around other humans and have close bonds to feel safe since in the wild we wouldn’t have been safe on our own. This means our hypervigilance from PTSD is often exponentially more intense because it is always on the high alert of a pack animal forced to live on its own. That can also strain any relationships with Exceptions if we have any because we may cling to them early on as our brain struggles to try and form the bonds it instinctually feels it needs to survive and protect itself with whatever “pack” it can manage to build. On top of that, any bonds our Exceptions make may feel like they are putting themselves in danger and we need to protect them. In some cases this will cause us extreme anxiety, in others it may lead to us engaging in toxic behaviors to try and isolate them to keep them safe, and in others still it may make us feel forced to abandon them or at least distance from them and lose one of our few close social bonds to protect ourself since we can’t protect them.

Also if the “switch flipped” (for those who had that experience) late enough that we were already in these social bonds, there may have been this sinking distrust of people we were already close to that we’d made some grave mistake trusting them, and closing off to the world like this can be terrifying because it’s a neurological difference - our development isn’t going the way it’s supposed to be and the gap between how our peers interact and see the world vs how we do just keeps getting wider.

And that’s not even all of it - I have an alter who had much less of the antisocial traits in childhood (no alter can have no symptoms of a neurological difference, but remember the reason ASPD can’t be diagnosed under 18 is that the brain has not been set in that development yet - in many ways this alter acted out the goals of a brain trying desperately to develop properly and outrun the closing of the period where I couldn’t socially develop that way), so I didn’t have to live like this all day every day until around 13. I’m sure for those that didn’t have that split but still had their brain attempting normal development, it was even more distressing and traumatic to feel that pull towards people at the same time as that push away from them.

On top of all of that, antisocial traits can worsen or create abuse for the child because the way they act offends authority figures and/or bullies, and this can put or leave us in harm’s way as they choose to actively target us or refuse to protect us the way they would other kids when someone else targets us. And then there’s the disciplinary action and deep cuts to self esteem if the child deals with the more violent symptoms - often, children engaging in those behaviors aren’t recognized as needing help. They’re either considered bad kids or products of bad parents and dismissed or actively berated by the people who could help them to understand what’s happening and do better.

If we ever do understand what’s happening because of getting help, sometimes the professional themselves is ableist and will take that ableism out on a child with antisocial traits.

By the time we accept what’s happening - whether we know what it is or not - we are very aware that our experience is different than the other kids. It’s not hard to see that they’ve been dealt a different - and from the outside, often seemingly better - hand than we have.

If we get diagnosed (or self diagnose) as an adult, now we get hit with the fact that this can’t be diagnosed until adulthood and why. Even when we thought we were stuck with this, apparently someone could have done something to get us back to normal development. Not everyone wants that, but for those of us that do there is so much grief at realizing how low the bar is to help a child process would-be PTSD so it doesn’t become PTSD and especially at how low the percentage of needs that need to be met to form a secure attachment style. Things could have been different. They should have been different. There was so much time and such a low bar to meet and instead we got this.

Having ASPD very often causes a lot of grief, and in return we’re often treated like monsters if we talk about it.

To be clear this is not exhaustive of the trauma growing up with ASPD causes - it is some of mine and some I’ve heard from others with ASPD speak about - but it also isn’t universal. Not every pwASPD has experienced every piece of what I’ve discussed here (for example I have not dealt with every one of these things, but I’ve dealt with a majority of it), what exact trauma they endure from growing up with ASPD involves many factors like what trauma caused it and how old they were when the traits started to show up etc.

Plain text below the cut:

CW, for pwASPD, this may be upsetting to read.

If we ever do understand what’s happening because of getting help, sometimes the professional themselves is ableist and will take that ableism out on a child with antisocial traits.

Having ASPD very often causes a lot of grief, and in return we’re often treated like monsters if we talk about it.

#aspd-culture-is #aspd culture is #aspd culture #actually aspd #aspd #aspd awareness #actually antisocial #antisocial personality disorder #aspd traits #anons welcome

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storkmuffin · 2 months ago

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Unwarranted Thoughts about Mingi (1/n?)

I do not yet have an Ateez bias. I'm just going through each of them like I'm picking a different chocolate piece out of the box, and it's just Mingi's turn in my mouth now, is all. If he's your favorite darling about whom only your thoughts are correct I am going to say up front that you are absolutely right, perfect, and impeccable. I fully agree in advance that I have no idea what I'm talking about whatsoever, and you should stop reading right now.

Why is This Guy an Idol and How Does It Work

There are very specific appearance related fetishes that Koreans have. It's all relative and very painful, actually, because the standards are so strict, but I will say that Mingi does meet all of the criteria, at once.

Tall > Short, Long legged > Long Waisted, Pale > Dark, Angular > Round faced, Small Head > Bubble Head, Narrow > Wide.

A mutual asked how the talent company could've known to launch Mingi as opposed to other candidates (where talent isn't enough or, sad to say, necessary to launch a successful show business career), like, did they know that he was going to be able to carry out a sexy persona when he was a lanky teen?

I would say yes. From what I know of the Korean entertainment industry, they can look at a relatively small child, prepubescent, and accurately predict what that child will be capable of doing in show business ten or fiteen years down the line. It's a weird capacity they've perfected. There's also a system in place - physical trainers, dieticians, plastic surgeons, dermatologists, stylists, make up artists - that only require the basics (be a pale, small headed, angular featured, long legged, slender person) to be able to churn out a standard Idol.

It's actually still physically very rare for someone to have all these traits in one body AND also grow up to be a tall man AND with a bass voice who is ALSO capable of enduring the very intense training to be an Idol. (To be fair, the training to be anything at all in Korea is superfucking intense - scholar, scientist, accountant, lawyer, dentist, nurse, pharmacist, civil servant, run of the mill office employee of Samsung, Hyundai, SK Hynix, LG, etc etc). On top of very much wanting to do this work, for himself, then, Mingi would've been constantly told to keep at it and not give up, even as he spent long days being also told that he was doing it wrong. (This my personal impression of life in the arts - the better you get, the more talented and 'advanced' you are, the more time you spend being told that you're doing it wrong LOL).

The problem Mingi has as an Idol is the non-standard personality he keeps displaying. A lot of my mutuals clock him as being autistic-spectrum. What stands out to me is his unwillingness or inability to be pleasant even on camera. The first time I encountered Mingi as a person of note in this group was during one of the reality content for the Ice On My Teeth music video. The staff had all of them 'break' ice balls that had little challenges and messages frozen within, in order to 'win' dental care related products.

Mingi was visibly not having a good day, nor a good time.

The caption in the first thing says, "He's just melting some ice but Mingi is a little bit scary today" and the second caption says, "He's making a noir film by himself." FOR NO REASON is implied. They even tell him, in camera, that he's being scary.

"No but you're actually being really, uh, sc- sc- scary."

Koreans generally don't say things directly in a command format - which in this case would be "STOP BEING SO SCARY" (그렇게 무섭게 하지 마세요!) - unless they're much more powerful than you and can speak to you in this way (very rare occurrence) OR they're willing to back up the attitude with actual physical violence. So for KQ Staff, the emphasis by the (faked?) stuttering is meant to convey, STOP THAT RIGHT NOW. But he didn't. He stayed pissed the whole time.

Sidebar to say: I really hate the way the word 'film noir' which is a very specific term of art for a specific genre of film and 'noir film' - the Konglish neologism which means something quite different - are interchangeably used in Korean colloquialism.

Reaction from the Korean internet was pretty harsh, actually. They fault him for having a bad attitude, in comparison to the other members. He's rude, they say, and disappointing. (He also refused to take the admittedly silly dental care gift they gave him as a 'prize.')

The commenter @다다다다오오올 (top right) says something that is pretty typical of the demands made on Kpop Idols: "아무리 힘들고 피곤해도 카메라 앞에선 티내지 않는게 아이돌의 숙명 아니겠나요" No matter how tired or a hard time you're having, if you're going to be an Idol, it's your obligation to not seem that way on camera.

Mingi is very bad at fulfilling this requirement, and because I initially found him shouty in a subgenre of K pop music that was already very loud and noisy (and yet, compelling!), I wrote Mingi off, and it didn't feel like a loss. I already had Wooyoung who is emobodies Eager To Please at all times, as well as San and Seonghwa who don't know how not to be pleasant and spoke in my home dialect. I was good.

Then I got to the health check up Wanteez and we had the (in)famous "난 나오면 그냥 깬다니까" moment of Mingi coming out of anesthesia and being so extremely proud of himself, even as Wooyoung gets increasingly annoyed with him.

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Mingi asks the nurse, Do you find me annoying? And Wooyoung, leaving, says 어 짜증나 너 - yah you're annoying. Look at Mingi! He really did get 'stabbed' by Wooyoung's words. They really do take over his whole world.

I DID NOT REALIZE until I got to the end of this entire video that this kid, who gets so, so crushed that his cranky ass teammate calls him annoying, was the same person who was clearly contemplating shoving the ice ball he was told to make fun content with up someone's nostril.

His reaction, which is just to be crushed, as Yunho (who came to check on him) folds in half laughing (Mingi makes Yunho fold in half a lot by the way) at the situation, is so different from how all the others would react. If the roles were reversed, with Mingi calling Wooyoung "annoying," Wooyoung would probably just leap on Mingi and bite through his shoulder. San would say something. Seonghwa would smack. I don't even want to see Jongho's reaction. And so on.

Mingi has no filter, and I guess like many things in life, this is simultaneously his great weakness and his great talent. He's just so responsive. This is the answer then, for me. Mingi is an Idol because he has the unusual combiation of physicla traits and a unique sounding voice but above all is extremely expressive.

When something is funny, it's SO funny to him he hurts his hand smacking the table. He almost dislocates his jaw. He also has what I consider (as a desk bound person) a dancer reaction of expressing the amusement he feels with his whole body. He gets up out of his seat, involves his whole body in it. (Yunho, who is much more in his head even though he's a dancer, tries to understand and puzzle out a situation even as he reacts with laughter).

Mingi goes all out. That seems to be his artistic self. He doesn't have layers of self protective filter and cover between his artistic expression and the outermost layer of his skin.

Because of his big, generous, unfiltered expressiveness, if you don't go with the visuals and just listen to the Ateez songs, actually, it becomes increasingly clear that the most important singer in the whole group is Mingi.

Yeah I said it.

Mingi is musically the most important singer in Ateez.

It's not only because he has the most distinctive voice in Ateez.

Yeah I said it x2.

Mingi has the most distinctive voice of everyone in Ateez.

Ateez's songs are often excessively dramatic, and most of it sounds like Christian rock to me, with the overt Christianity subsumed under the extremely complicated, dystopic savior-fantasy lore they have going on as a narrative device. Mingi coming on like St. Jerome, like Elijah yelling out in the desert, is essential for Ateez to pull this off. He's the least reliant on the different noise sound effects (the kettle coming to a boil, the space ship engines, the train bell ringing past) that the production liberally deploys.

Take for example, Man On Fire. The one who carries the song is Mingi. Unless you're very very familiar with their individual voices, Yeosang sounds very similar to Seonghwa, and WooSan sound like one man, and Yunho, with his great facility for being husky and tenor interchangeably, just blends in with the rest. Jongho has a strong voice but it's not terribly expressive or flexible in the way he's asked to use it in these group songs. It's Mingi who sounds actually desperate, who actually sounds like he might set things (or himself, or uh, you) on fire, who knows what that feels like.

Both Hwa and San acknowledge that he owns the song.

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The combination of his untrammeled personality and the hugeness of his voice makes Mingi a very unusual asset for Ateez. It doesn't hurt that he's striking looking with a model's height and build, and that he wants to be a star badly enough to avoid pasta so long he starts crying about it on camera, of course. But his specialness comes from his expressive capacity, and his capacity to be excessive, which is so difficult for any Korean to do. Mingi can scream and cry, despair and beg and rage, and not be ironically distanced from any of these feelings.

This is why he's an Idol, I think.

And apparently, in person, in performance, Mingi has something, that makes him undeniable to even those whose ults are someone else. Below is a youtuber whose ult is Yeosang, but after seeing the End of Year 2024 Ice on My Teeth performance live, she spends the majority of her review talking about Mingi. How he's really dangerous and She can't stop thinking about him even though he was too much and annoying and anyway Yeosang is her favorite, he really is, but all she can say about Yeosang is that he was very kind to fans, was very beautiful and cute, and ... nothing else. She couldn't even remember what he wore exactly, but she could remember each and every too much and annoying comment that Mingi made on stage.

By the way, if you speak any amount of Korean, I really recommend the 자매다만세 youtube channel that specializes in Ateez lore. They're charming and funny as fuck but also have the longest and most thorough Ateez lore video ever, which was apparently personally vetted and endorsed by Yeosang.

#Mingi meta #ateez meta #kpop meta #mingi ateez #song mingi #unwarranted thoughts about mingi #next up will be a discussion of yungi

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kaija-rayne-author · 4 months ago

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Did not think I could possibly dislike Epler and his 'hate/revenge on Solas Fanfic', more, but I actually could.

Read some confirmations of some of the rumors about, yeah, he really does hate Solas, and the entire game was based on that. (Anyone with two braincells can see that.)

But Varric dying, the blood magic fooling of Rook, soooooo much of it was used just so the player would hate Solas. Epler is on record several places actually saying those things. I'm not pulling it out of my ass.

Anything sympathetic is locked behind certain characters and certain interactions. And there isn't that much empathy to start with.

Is it wildly disturbing to anyone else that a supposed professional lets their own viewpoint of a fictional character in a game ruin a whole 250 million dollar project?

Because it's pretty obvious at this point that DAV has tanked soooooo bad. I've said all along that I was shocked that Trick wrote Solas like that. But maybe it's really the best Trick could get past Epler's hatred? IDEFK. I could still be giving Trick more credit than deserved because I actually trusted Trick to write a good story that didn't villanize Solas. It was half the reason I even played DAV. I know Trick can write better than what we got. They've said they love Solas too.

But that is not what we got. We did not get a well-written story where the writer obviously loved the character.

I want to stop thinking about Veilguard. But it was a special interest for years, and the absolute destruction of that makes it almost impossible for me to move on. I keep trying to figure out whyyyyyy? This would be (one of) the negative portions of having an autistic special interest, for anyone following along.

Is Epler the reason they scrapped Joplin? Was it too sympathetic to Solas?

Would it actually have required deeper storytelling that made Solas and the elves' rebellion a sympathetic cause?

Argh.

Bad writing annoys me to start with, but having something I love as much as Dragon Age (and Solas) besmirched this way really pisses me off.

Whoever put Epler into the position where he could have that much control over a game franchise people really loved made a huge mistake.

I was starting to wonder if I was blaming the wrong people, but no. It looks like Epler does actually just hate Solas. Is irritable because people didn't like DAV, and has gotten pissy on main about it. Grow the fuck up.

As a professional creative? You're supposed to make a product most consumers who love the thing will at least find acceptable. Not... this.

We deserved better and so did Dragon Age.

#dragon age #dragon age veilguard #veilguard #da veilguard #bioware critical #solavellan #solas #dragon age Veilguard Critical #Veilguard Critical #da Veilguard Critical #DAV critical #DAtV critical #Don't try to shove a character you personally dislike into a contrived storyline that really didn’t serve DA or the people who love it well #Yes as an author sometimes we DO have characters we like better/worse but the end product isn’t supposed to show that!#Epler seems upset that people didn’t like his portrayal of Solas and how you couldn't role play a Rook sympathetic to Solas/the elves #boo hoo write it with respect to how the Lore was set up and the previous writing of the character

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stump-not-found · 5 months ago

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A03 wrapped 2024

tagged by @tempusedax-rerum >:DDDDD

1.) Biggest surprise while writing this year?

how much people responded to bill cipher saying daddy . how people have interpreted ford's relationship to mabel in theseus' guide; i've really tried to write him as really caring for her so seeing that interpreted as him disliking her is so interesting haha

most of all tho i'm just surprised and very grateful that theseus has received any attention, it's been so so wonderful reading everyone's thoughts and seeing them engage with the fic . it really makes the entire process so gratifying, and i hope folks continue to enjoy where the story goes next :D

2.) How many WIPs do you have in your docs for next year?

i've got my erotic billford rom com Can of Snakes that's over 20k right now . it has banger titles such as "sad handjob" and "penicular sounding", so someday i'll be posting that . i think they can make it work

i also just started Weirdmageddon 2: Electric Boogaloo: Lost In New York, an AU where ford gets stan to help him finish the portal after kicking fidd's to the curb . stan and bill become besties, ford hates it, and bill isn't allowed to destroy new york until he tries a slice of 'za .

this is not accounting for the mountain of comic WIP's i have but that shit aint goin on ao3

3.) Favourite character to write this year?

ford for sure . you give me a character who's autistic in a way that isn't cute and it just means the world to me . i get to give him evil autism . the autism where we acknowledge growing up autistic is traumatizing and makes you not a nice person all the time . fuck i love him . i get to dump so much of my own shit on him its so funnnnnnn yay lalalala

there was a whole paragraph i wrote that was just describing the perfect eye angle to maintain when walking through a farmers market to avoid social scenario's, which i had to remove because it was just me rambling about my own social survival strategies . farmers markets are dangerous places

i also love writing him in the context of bill . what a fucking mess they are i hope they never get better . but together <3

4.) The character that gave you the most trouble this year?

honestly stanley pines . i feel like i soften him too much, and lean in to his more positive traits than his more negative ones . it's hard because i feel like folks don't talk about the fact he was homeless for like 10 years & also had a breaking bad style adventure in columbia

the other problem is that he IS a big softy so idk . but he should be bitchier god damn it . he should be talking about his cataracts

6.) Did you receive any gifts this year?

I DID YOU INSANE PEOPLE thank you all it make a me smile:

@stemmmm @ancharan @kronehaze @sillyhyperfixator @ezrathean0n

7.) Did you do any collaborative works this year?

i feel like all my writing is collaborative!! i spend hours talking fic stuff with my wife & brother and my stuff is all the better for it . would love to do more of that w/ other folks i love it talking and thinking and playing is so fun

8.) What do you listen to while writing?

i don't like listening to music when i write lol ...... i sit in the cold silence and type in a frantic spiral .

i listen to a lotta different things while i think of things to write tho . atm all i want in the world is to make a theseus animation to this song it's very hammercore :

youtube

9.) Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

oogh that's hard to choose . i'm just gonna share a bunch that make me laugh

from theseus' guide step six:

Dipper, clearly, doesn’t get it, and Ford acknowledges he is too young to understand a professional working relationship.

also from step six:

“Oh, sure, I can move on,” Stan grins, “To the other items on my list. A, the shack’s toilets all suck, and the seats keep raisin’ automatically. B, your handwriting sucks. C–”

from theseus' guide step three:

“You think you’re coming back anytime soon?” “No, 8-Ball, I don’t think I’m ‘ coming back ’ anytime soon.” Ford snides, though 8-Ball either doesn’t register that, or doesn’t care; hard to tell with the guy, “I’m sure you’re aware, but your boss wants to kill my family. And destroy my universe. ” 8-Ball sniffs. “Cool. Mind if I eat your leftovers then? Teeth keeps eyeing them.” Ford frowns, “You couldn’t have just brought them with you?” “Nah, man, I want to eat them.”

lots of lines from step eight but we ain't there yet

uuuuhhghhg who to send this chain mail along to uuuhgghgh

@beccadrawsstuff if u wannaaaa . anyone else feel free to pick this up as well i'm bad at this lol

#stump talks #Youtube

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xiki-pupper · 1 year ago

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I can understand how Shuro may be a frustrating character to some folks - in fact that is kinda what he is there for, narratively speaking. But it really gives me ick when people just wanna shit on him for "being awful/the worst/an asshole"

The way I see it, the dude is his own different flavor of Autism- repressed, conditioned, awkward, and forced to participate in high society, not to mention the culture clash - and he sees laios just being his own weirdo self and he hates it --- no, thats not it. I honestly don't think he hates laios; i truly believe he hates that Laios gets to be TRUE to himself, and he (shuro) Doesn't get to be.

And it's a feeling I can understand and sympathize and empathize with, as I have been on my own personal journey to try and un-mask and deconstruct and heal myself in a world that has made me feel broken my entire life

People scream "hypocrisy" as shuro sees the same traits between the touden siblings, and is attracted to one whilst hating the other - and yes, I can agree that it's a bit hypocritical, but yall are taking it at face value and not understanding where his feelings are coming from. Shuro doesn't hate laios because he has a special interest, shuro hates that his whole life, he has had to squash himself into a form-fitting box, behave as his family commands, and now he sees laios being free of expectation, just out here being a weirdo, and shuro is possibly feeling that frustrated grief that comes with the late diagnosed autistic situation of "I could have been happy, too, but no, *I* had to be the responsible one"

... at least, that's how I view it. Coz I myself have had those thoughts. And I know, it's NOT a good look for me to be out here admitting that I have felt this way, like for example, maybe I see someone else's struggle with anxiety, whether it's online or in real life, and I have this bitter thought to myself of "yeah, I have anxiety too, but *I* was still forced to be a responsible adult anyway" which makes me momentarily frustrated.

And before anyone jumps my ass about it, NO, I definitely DO NOT think that "if I had to suffer thru it, so should everyone else" that's NOT what I'm saying. But I AM saying that, there is a bitterness, when u see someone who is able to avoid a struggle that you had to endure - that bitterness is NOT thinking that everyone should suffer as I did, but me being bitter that *I had to* at all.

Does that make sense? Coz I really feel like Shuro just gets shit on because people think he's there to interrupt the Yuri and be mean to Laois, and I really feel that he's a whole ass person. And a somewhat melancholic one, at that. He makes me think of how I had to grow up Christian whilst being queer and undiagnosed Audhd my entire life, and I would be very very surprised to hear that a large chunk of dunmeshi fans didn't ALSO grow up this way, feeling broken and stupid and tired, forced to do things the "normal people" way, and then NOT understand how Shuro feels when he sees someone who is in a position to be mostly free of that...

#dummeshi #delicious in dungeon #dungeon meshi #toshiro nakamoto #danmeshi

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estakes · 2 months ago

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i have no title for this, just know that a handful of enstarries have this weirdo problem of infantalizing characters. finally finished it, where's the anon that asked about this, i wish i could tag you

disclaimer: english is not my first language, expect mistakes, not proof read, most likely just word vomit rather than an actual comprehensible essay

full thing under read more 🐰

despite now being in their third year of highschool and turning eighteen (which is considered an adult in most countries), some enstarries still treat the juniors as if they're still first years. still treat them as if they're inexperienced juniors who barely know anything about the idol world. and it's so, so weird!!

let's start with the ryuseitai juniors– shinobu, midori and tetora. while all three are sometimes subject to the treatment of being "chiakana's kids" (another annoying thing some enstarries do), shinobu is sometimes treated as if he's the youngest of the unit. he's literally older than tetora (by a week) and midori (who's the actual youngest of ryuseitai). why's that? is it because he's short and cute in appearance? just because he's short and cute, doesn't mean he's a child! people seem to forget or ignore that.

also, i hate how some enstarries act as if mayoshino is proship and problematic when it's not! it's a 1 year age gap! it's annoying that people think that shinobu is 12 and mayoi is some sort of pedo. that's just straight up mischaracterization, since mayoi struggles with a lot of issues, but he really does care for shinobu and consider him as one of his closest friends. mayoi even berates himself when he's having those kinds of thoughts and thinks of himself as unworthy of being shinobu's friend. shinobu meanwhile values mayoi and even if he finds him a little weird, shinobu knows that mayoi is truly a good person. shinobu worries for mayoi whenever he finds the other anxious and reassures him. mayoi isn't a creep and shinobu is more mature than people give him credit for! this kind of turned into a mayoshino defense rant, but let's get back on track.

let's get to the other idols that are subject to the infantilizing treatment. tori's pretty much the shortest character (currently 154 cm in height) and his whole thing is being cute. guess what happens to him, yep, being infantalized. don't even get me started with ra*bits. all three of them are somehow reduced into "nazuna's little baby rabbits", while sometimes funny in memes or jokes, gets annoying when someone says it unironically.

finally, there's sora, who's probably the one who's subject to this treatment the most. i've seen actual switchP unironically say that he's ntmg's kid. it gives me brain damage somehow. there's something so wrong about treating him like a clueless kid. sora has synesthesia and is heavily implied to be autistic. it's gross that some people treat him like a baby that's incapable of understanding the world.

it rubs me the wrong way whenever people do that. shinobu, along with tetora and midori, want to support ryuseitai too and they don't want to be shielded by them (chiaki and kanata) anymore. tori's growing too, and he's not that bratty kid anymore (he still shows sides of this, but he's less hostile now). he doesn't want to be protected, so to speak, and he's becoming more mature and wanting to prove himself to eichi that he's not a kid anymore. being the new student council president is one of the ways tori can prove himself, and to me, i think he already has. eichi's a bit of an ass for teasing him too much though.

it's still so weird to me that tomoya, hajime and mitsuru are still treated as if they were still first years. no, they're not those kids anymore. sure, they needed nazuna to guide them and hold their hamds– metaphorically speaking, especially when ra*bits was just starting out. one of their main focuses in es!! was them standing on their own without nazuna, as he's in college.

tomoya struggles with being ra*bits' new leader, and sometimes thinking if he's good enough to lead and be in charge of their unit, if he can fill in the gap that nazuna left. he does! he acts more like a leader, he's slowly being more confident in himself with leading. tomoya's idol image is reflective of that, as he's going into a more princely/cool guy type along with his cute side with ra*bits. mitsuru's also going to the cool guy route, reflected by his fs2. now mitsuru here is really excitable and a little naive, and of course some enstarries are going to ignore his other sides and treat him like a kid.

finally for the ra*bits is hajime, oh god, hajime. did you know that once upon a time there were people who said that ibahaji is proship? ibara and hajime? proship?! again, 1 year age gap! just because hajime is nice and a little shy, doesn't mean he's a child to be protected. and just because ibara is very business minded and dedicated to his work doesn't mean he's a grown ass man. he's like 19! still a teenager, even! and hell, ibara still acts like a teenager sometimes. hajime himself even wants to show the world that he's more than just cute. yes, he uses his cuteness as his weapon to his advantage (an advice from ibara, if i remember correctly), but he also wants to prove that he's not just a cute face.

ra*bits' whole thing is that they're growing together, bit by bit and it's frustrating that some people choose to ignore their growth and instead treat them like babies.

onto sora, seriously, it's frustrating to see people unironically say he's an innocent bean or call him ntmg's child, also there were people who said ntsora is proship? enstarries never fail to surprise me with how insane their thought process is.

i'm going to hold your hand when i say this:

just because sora is hyper and bubbly, it does not mean he's a child to be protected.

sora is not clueless or naive, hell, i'd argue that sora is the most emotionally and mentally mature person in switch, and in the whole roster of characters, even. he's perceptive and he's smart. correct me if i'm wrong, since i'm no switch lore expert, but didn't they have a predicament where sora wanted to be more included with how switch does things behind the scenes? that he didn't want tsumugi and natsume to be shielding him from the world anymore?

sora is aware that his seniors are just looking out for him, but at the same time, he wants to be on equal footing with them and support them as a member of the unit and as their friend. hell, the same could be said for all prior characters mentioned! and again, i'll repeat myself, it's weird as shit to be treating him like a clueless and innocent child when he's heavily implied to be autistic. with full offense, that just sounds like you think sora is incapable just because of his neurodivergence. yikes!

some honorable mentions to tsukasa, who gets babied by some fans and even his own unit sometimes, much to his displeasure as he wants to be taken seriously as knights' king, to souma who's treated as "kurokei's child" (when he and kuro are a year and a couple of months apart, i think?), hiiro who sometimes get characterized as "dim-witted boy from the countryside" when he's actually really smart, especially in academics (to the point that tsukasa considers him a rival) when he's just a little naive to the city life, and to kohaku who's sometimes reduced to "crazy:b's little brother" / "madara's kid" when kohaku himself is more than capable of being independent.

it's frustrating when some enstarries, and even their own producers ignore or disregard their growth and treat them like babies or reduce them to a popular ship's "children" . while we've known them since they were juniors and still starting out, at least treat them more seriously now. it feels more satisfying to see them grow up and see their improvement instead of just perceiving them as clueless juniors forever, well, to me, at least.

#is this too long. i feel like it's too long. or maybe it's too short....#huh. adhd is good for something sometimes.#enstars #ensemble stars

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maybe-boys-do-love · 21 days ago

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Oh, I love everyone and everything about Boys in Love i fear.

Shane is my kind of autistic—academic, struggles with change, processes emotions logically, and has a complex rather than one-sided relationship to his social struggles (he’ll admit to being rigid or tactless but also holds people to try and meet his wants and needs sometimes, too), and he can feel frustrated by his habits but he doesn’t hate himself

Kit offering the flexibility and fun Shane needs and benefiting from Shane’s ability to break things down more logically (not to mention finding it adorable)

The literature club mimicking fan discussions in the arts literally had me tearing up with how sweet it was (and how the teacher handled it!)

The weirdo third couple friends-to-lovers arc that’s developing

The enemies-to-lovers teacher romance with PoddPapang that could be its own whole series!

Giving us a kiss by the second episode <3 No hiding the feelings here, which means they get to just work on growing as people together.

All the couples delivering legit romantic chemistry! Such a rarity!

The colors and costuming and original scoring that Parbdee do so well

I love it all, your honor!

#boys in love the series #boys in love #this must be what other people felt like watching heartstopper — which i couldn’t stand 🙃#mick metas #luke peemsan #chokun puttipong #aston ratiphat #lukemick #chokunaston #poddpapang #kenpaul #shanekit #kimmon

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grumpyghostdoodles · 2 months ago

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Got bored and started thinking of your utdr au and how much I love your art, frisk and chara are so very gender to me and I was wondering if you could share some more facts about the au? (　＾▽＾)

Yes hello, I was stupid and read the ask wrong, and wrote a full page of facts about the dreemurr kiddos on my au. So now i have that XD

And im so glad that Frisk and Chara are so gender!! I adore drawing those goobers so much.

Have some random dadyrus au facts!:

• Papyrus is a good cook!!! And Kris will eat anything, so they never minded if his dad experimented with food, they’d always eat it.

• Kris hates their eyes. They’d rather have their face in their face than to show them.

• Papyrus tried to read a bunch of parenting books, but Kris is so genuinely goddamn weird that he still doesn't know exactly how human children work.

• As a kid, Kris once cached a gigantic grass hopper, and begged to adopt it. Pap’s doesn’t know how to take care of grasshoppers, so he lied and said that the grasshopper had to go to their own home bc their wife and baby grasshoppers were waiting for it. It worked, so shh

• Papyrus almost fainted when Kris broke their arm. Its incredibly horrifying and uncanny for skeleton monsters to see broken bones.

• Kris has no friends, they only hang out with their cousins. And lately, they have been going out of their way to avoid them.

• Papyrus is very worried for his kid. They used to be so curious and eager to play, but ever since they’ve gotten closer to finishing highschool, Kris just stays in their room, or going out alone, they stopped openly communicating with their dad. Something is wrong, and Paps doesn’t know how to fix it.

• Kris loves his dad so much. Pap’s has always been the best dad ever.

• Both Papyrus and Kris are autistic!

• Mettaton already thought papyrus was super cute, and once he realized he was a DILF, it was all over, hes head over heel for papyrus.

• Frisk has taken notice of how Kris is avoiding them. Frisk has also taken notice that ever since Kris has started hanging out with Susie, the timeline started to feel...weird. Almost as if the player is back…

• Papyrus adores Susie, she reminds him of Undyne, so hes extremely glad that Kris made friends with her.

• Susie basically started to live at Paps and Kris house. They already had a pullout mattress for when the Dreemurr cousins stayed over, so it was as if it was made for her to move in XD

• Chara taught Kris to play the piano! And Chara also babysat Kris a lot growing up.

• Papyrus has to keep a spray bottle with water when he bakes, to spray his kid away, bc otherwise Kris would eat whatever raw dough he was making with animalistic fervor and get salmonella. AGAIN.

• (Yes, Kris has gotten salmonella. No, they don't regret it, that coconut cake batter was so good) (Yes, they ate the whole bowl) (Yes, they threw up)

• Papyrus and Kris do puzzles together, so Kris really likes doing puzzles, just lilke their dad!

• Kris learned about Sans legendary sock stunt, so they superglued a suck to the floor of their room to prank their dad. Newsflash, superglue glues stuff, so they cant remove it without damaging the wooden floor, so now Kris permanently has in their room a sock superglued to the floor. Papyrus was not amused, Sans thought it was hilarious and drove them to mcdonalds as a prize.

• Something is happening to them. Something is making them talk, making them move. Theyre scared...But, that something is also making them a hero, just like their cousins and his amazing dad were, what they wanted to be all their lives…

Let me know if you also want the Dreemurr kids facts list, and ill post it as well XD

#dadyrus au #this was very fun to make!

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magicalrocketships · 4 days ago

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pls go ahead and tell me about ur tv show watches lately, pls go into detail about how you feel about them!!!

-lin :)))

Questions from here!!

Oh MATE, let's talk about TV I've watched recently:

Interior Design Masters - I've watched all of this in quick succession (apart from the series without Alan Carr which isn't on iplayer) and now I can knowledgeably say things like 'colour drenching in that colour in this space isn't going to work' and 'sorry girls, but I could design a better space for an imaginary retired mermaid and her sailor lover that that'. Anyway it inspired me to finally bite the bullet and order the replacement room divider that I've been eyeing up for ages and I have also been VULNERABLE and asked two friends to build it for me because health-wise I'm not up to DIY right now. I'm buying them pizza as a thank you. This show also tangentially responsible for my current favourite recent purchase, a rug with cats with strawberry hats on. Nothing in the show inspired this specifically (they say things like 'my style is contemporary luxe' and I say things like 'my style currently is a blend of cats and strawberries') but I feel like I'm vibing with the home furnishings because of watching so many designers make their own panelling.

The Pitt - I watched all of this in about two days, read 75 fics starring my beloved Mel, two other threesome fics, and would happily watch the whole show again. Might do that with my mum this weekend. Loved the single shift structure, much preferred it to watching that in 24, will personally be reading the same fic with the same plot another 100 times and not growing bored of it.

New Tricks - this show had to be written by a man because surely nobody else would write Dennis Waterman being that attractive to women (at least in the early seasons). Anyway, I've run out of easy/cosy crime to watch on a streaming service I have that requires none of my brain power, so I'm stuck powering through this. That said, my semi-retired autistic detective Brian: I love you, please continue with your special interests and your exasperated wife. But also: I think I hate this show, why am I and why have I watched eight seasons. Answer: I'm bored and exhausted.

The Archers - this is not TV but I'm back on my radio soap bullshit after a few years off. This means I have to text my friend Abbi about three times a week going, "so who is Leonard" "why was there a sewage leak" "why is Kenton leading morris dancing classes on the village green" and "since when did FREDDIE go to PRISON, last time I listened he was a CHILD" (shout out to any other Archers listeners out there, come find me). Sometimes I truly believe I've picked the wrong career because there are people out there who have to fake the sound of a llama being walked by humans on a radio serial that's been airing for a million gazillion years.

LEVERAGE - my beloveds. Back on my Leverage bullshit. Going to rewatch the entire thing and then go and sob in happiness watching the parachute fanvid for the 9000000th time. And maybe actually get up to date with Leverage Redemption. Ehhh.

Anyway the point of this is: I'm actually very bored of the tv I'm watching now, I need something to get my teeth into but also requires very little brain power because I'm so tired. Recs welcomed.

#waffling on about me

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designing-witch-forms-4-ur-faves · 4 months ago

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Warning: long request!

----

Wait, wait, wait. The anon that suggested Mandy was cooking something before they went with Gaz.

About her destroying the universe with a smile, yeah, she did, but I think it’s because she forced a smile, because she had already smiled in earlier seasons.

You see, Mandy is a snotty, taciturn, sadistic and edgy misanthropic girl who wants to take over the world because, as shown in the movie, her greatest fear is living an unremarkable life and showing her feelings. She sees the world in a cynical way and for the way it is. She also has issues with her parents (a kind of emotional neglect thing going on, where they even considered abandoning her to the wolves.)

I think that what would make Mandy give in to despair as a Magical Girl is losing Billy. It’s shown that, because she is mostly feared (even by Grim himself,) she is very lonely; some hate her, most fear her and respect her, and Irwin is obsessed with the idea of her. Yet, Billy is her best friend because he is, he genuinely likes her and it’s shown that she likes him as well, in spite of her violent exterior. She doesn’t want him gone at all from her life, even with the way she treats him — she often goes out of her way to save him, no matter how long it takes or hard it is. She genuinely seems almost on the verge of tears when she thinks Billy is gone in the movie.

It’s also shown that Mandy, without her nerve, is a wet scaredy-cat. Even a butterfly scares without her nerve.

In short, a Mandy witch would be so goddamn cool (I want her despair to be losing Billy for good or getting an unremarkable life as a Magical Girl after she figures out how it works, even if her wish to have the world in the palm of her hands is granted.)

Fun fact: she is confirmed to be Autistic, as well as Grim and Billy, because the creator (Maxwell Atoms) is Autistic! :D

Oh goodness that’s a giant wall of text.

Thank you for elaborating on the whole destroying-the-universe-with-a-smile thing. I really appreciate the deep dive into Mandy as a character and how she interacts with the world around her, what drives her, etc. it was really helpful to me as I was a Nickelodeon kid growing up and didn’t really tune in all that much to CN when I was younger.

You really helped me understand Mandy and i’m happy to say that I have finished her witch form design! :D

Magdalena Hel : The reaper witch

Concept art under the cut! :D

#the grim adventures of billy and mandy #tgaobam #pmmm witches #puella magi madoka magica #Andreas’s witches

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angelinasnotebooks · 2 years ago

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Hate that my form of hyperfixation is consuming and not creating.

I think I've been falling in love with ideas my whole life. I see colors and concepts and characters, and I want every part of the illusion to play around my body and immerse my mind and soul. I thought growing up I would be an artist. When that mentally shattered, I moved on to thinking I would become an author. Now, however, I don't know what or who I'll be. All I know is that my brain never stops coming up with ideas.

Yet, with all these ideas comes the possibility of creation. It's what I want, isn't it? I want to create these pictures and stories and share them with the world. So, why am I motionless in my pursuit to bring my mind to life? I have a library in my head. There's a girl in there. Her favorite color is blue. She doesn't know if life is worth living. I have an art museum there too. There's a portrait of a dying renegade, and a demon alter ego desiring joy. Then there's the realm of fandoms. The endless multiverse of continuations and alternatives.

There's a lot going on inside my brain and imagination. Chemicals I do not understand and signals I cannot control. An abundance of beauty only an individual can conjure with their subjectivity. With no outlet for these thoughts and images, I find it all to be too much at times. Wings heavy on my back and flightless under the pressure. The ability to soar is there, but the weight within is burdensome.

Every day I come up with something new. Some ideas are fresh while others are another line on the loom, but that is all they are. Thoughts. Ideas. Invisible whisps, webs, and wishes. It's as if the only part of my frontal lobe that works is that of imagination and complex thinking. I attempt short stories, painting, studying, chores, school projects, craft projects and I never get them done. Planning, time management, logical reasoning, and decision-making have all taken a backseat. I can't get any of them done, so I turn to what has already been done.

I rewatch a favorite show. I read another fanfic. I click on a YouTube video and another. I scroll Tumblr. I read character analysis. I try on the clothes in my closet. I add shit to my wish list. I post photos from two months ago on my Instagram. I relate to autistic ADHD tiktokers. I pretend Pinterest will help me get my life together. I think about the MCU. I watch another comfort, crime, haunted, mythical series. I visit my AO3 bookmarks. I doom scroll whatever app I can get my eyes on. I turn thirteen again and either spiral into a depressive state or become infatuated with the Hunger Games--again.

The point is, I can't force my brain to work on the original ideas. Sitting at a desk with supplies doesn't get my hands moving. I fall numb waiting for my body and mind to comply with my intentions. So, I end up here again. Hitting a heart button to let other people know that their commentary and hard work have reached me, and I liked it.

I don’t want all my ideas and universes to end where they are. I don’t want to minimize or invalidate my existence, or the experiences of others like me, by remaining artistically stagnant. I want my mind to be a visual tangible galaxy free to be roamed and explored. I want to have my heart in my hands, and I want to give it to every single person that I can. I want these thoughts, these precious ideas out of my head and into yours, dear reader. I don't want to consume; I want to create. If I'm going to go down the rabbit hole, I want to be the rabbit. The entrance maker. Not the lost girl I am right now.

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