#the which fictional universe would you want to live in polls always have stuff like the star wars universe or the marvel universe

[batarangsoundsdumb]

hae interrogationes multae respondeant quia demens .

if you read this entire ask post you deserve a gold star and financial recompensation

Um, Obviously because when you’re adopted by a white guy you automatically become white duhhh

this is about this post lmao and yeah youre absolutely right, you have to hand your poc card in when you get adopted by a white guy.

Do you think Cass would listen to Yanni, the YouTube channel epic symphonic rock, or some other stuff? There's some cool mashups but idk if that's up your alley, I kinda feel like I'm pushing it with my weird taste of music by recommending an orchestra cover of metal, but i just love that sort of thing and mashups :P @harvestyourcherries 

i haven’t heard of that? but in my personal (correct) opinion steph listens to classical music, and then both modern and older, and then also stuff like black sabbath, iron maiden, but also hardrock and hardcore. i like the idea of cass just liking the most extreme screaming songs full of noise and then also listen to pachelbel’s 370th sonata yanno? THANK YOU for the rec tho

speaking of ur cass playlist hc...reminds of the time (yesterday) i found 2 playlists randomly on spotify from the same user. one was abt 3 hours of instrumental/classical "dark" & "nostalgic" music. the other almost 11 hours of nothing but hardcore bass/synth/electronic music. just an incredible tightrope act to put on in public. the synth one was also called like "psalms for synth sluts" which is Also incredible

tbh i LOVE synth SO MUCH like for no reason at all but then also cannot handle a poppy electronic beat lmao. but this seems like the kinda thing i’d do but just in one (1) playlist bc i just sort songs by vibe instead of genre? that’s how i end up with britney spears and billy ray cyrus in the same playlist. 

Oh, I want Kate Kane playlist next! It would be amazing if you could do one when you have time and will 🙏

how rude would it be of me to just say no? like sorry kate but idk you and also you seem way too keen on the us military for an institution that homophobically targeted you? (and also commits war crimes) but let’s unpack the fact that the institution that caused the death of your mom and sister and also got you blacklisted for being gay is still one you align with???

'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' --- when i tell you i fucking screamed LOL!!!!!!! i can imagine the cameraman not knowing if he should cut to commercial or keep it on these two weirdos fighting on stage (bruce definitely ruffled dick's hair/noogied him right?? 

about this post but yeah lmao. this cameraman just turns to like the audience to get a reaction and it’s just multiple moments of CLEAR shock.

you are the only funny person on this hellsite

how egotistical is it for me to say that i get this ask multiple times a month? bc it literally happens so often it’s hilarious to me.

Wish there was more john/Bruce content 😔😔😔 was so hungry I actually looked at canon media 😔😔😔 (Justice League Dark babeeeyyyyyy)

check out batman: damned for some mediocre content but at least it’s john/bruce (also very interesting story and stuff, just got very >:( over this weird part where harley quinn tried to r*pe bruce or something? it’s not for everyone)

dick grayson but he's nicki minaj

his anaconda don’t want none,,, unless...... 

Dick Grayson was never a cop, he played Marshall on Paw Patrol

you are SO right. also paw patrol is a fucking good show idc. that shit could’ve been the new steven universe on this hellsite.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CS1lI0bLI7-/?utm_medium=copy_link

...

why do people keep reposting my CONTENT. if you are not funny yourself don’t just grab shit off of tumblr and post it on insta,,, get a life. sidenote: should i start an insta and get all these ppl to take my content down that would be funny as hell.

Might I suggest for a Gotham City Meme: something about the true crime fandom thirsting for the rogues gallery

ok can i just say something slightly controversial?? no? i don’t find true crime ppl who are into criminals funny, that shits disturbing irl im not gonna bring that into my very chill universe.

i may have never seen a 'jason cleaning guns in sink' fic but i do know he WOULD

THANK YOU

bestie im sorry to say this to you but while you can, and people do wash their guns in the sink, that is a lot of lead in a very vital part of the kitchen.

people tend to do it in the bathtub.

WHY???? like damn why do you even have guns

i dont think i read many gun sink fics exactly but i have read lots of fics where jason cleanes his guns in the living room. usualy dissembles them and cleans them with a rag i think

lmao fair enough, like i think that’s a large part of what i remember as well.

if you say you've seen/read gun sink fics I believe you. I think those of us who didn't see them are lucky or maybe didn't search for fics by tags or something idk

i mean ive never sought them out but i HAVE seen them,, like definitely i know almost for certain.

saw your tags and I'm interested in Steph/Kara now. They would be the most chaotic couple <3

literally thoooo, i have a wip where they get together in a zombie apocalypse and like UGGGHhhh i am so in love with them.

I am the Breece anon. Thanks for the recommendation; am reading now. I’ve always been a hardcore Superman fan because I love my pure himbo farm boy. My logic is, if one Bruce is a Broose, then multiple Broose are a herd of Breece. And this is a hill upon which I will perish.

fair enough,,,, like moose, meese, goose, geese, bruce, breece. i get your logic and i stand by it as well. (glad you enjoyed the comic recs!!!!)

It's a beautiful day in Gotham, and you are a group of horrible Breece

OH my god dude lmao

there only being 42 fics on ao3 for tim and bernard is honestly so sad i need more

it’s like twice that now!!! we did it lads. (tho very sad that my fic isnt number one but like number 4 :((((  )

i'm too late you already did the poll lol but may i suggest bethy (bernard + timothy)

shit dude that wouldve been so fucking funnyyyyy. think ppl have just stuck to timber tho, tim/bernard kinda died down recently and i think it’s too bad, they’re a great couple and i love them.

Wait, hear me out

Bernothy @redlightofdawn

great recommendation (lmao this ask is from like a month ago) but very sorry to announce that NARDTH is the superior shipname

Wait, we know that bernard likes milfs (Tim's step-mom) but what about dilfs? gilfs?

Wait no, I regret sending that ask

these were two seperate asks and they’re HILARIOUS. in my personal opinion tho,,, milfs, gilfs, dilfs are just about vibes and bernard is just attracted to sexy ppl who may sometimes be milfs, dilfs, or EVEN gilfs.

crime in bludhaven would drop to half if nightwing had a boob window. in this essay i will-

WHERE’S THE ESSAY ANON, WHERE’S THE FUCKING ESSAY

Wait if Barbra and Tim r at opposite ends at all times what happened to Barbra once everyone’s Tim’s ever love before started dying lol

she won a lottery ticket and spent 2 weeks on a resort in the bahamas before returning home and finding out that the joker was arrested for tax evasion and then spent a month staying at her big tiddie goth girlfriend’s house before conner came back to life and she broke her pinkie playing table hockey.

Why is the opposite end thing so funny and compelling to me. Tim comes back from his depression quest for Bruce and Babs is now a literal god

lmao when tim loses his spleen barbara reaches nirvana.

Are you still taking music recs because I have three songs that remind me of Jason that I think you'd like

send to me or lose a toe

🌸 ⭐ put this star into the inbox of your favorite blogs. it’s time to spread positivity! ⭐🌸😋

thanks, i wont tho on account of i wont.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMduBy3Sr/

⬆️

This is the whole of Blüdhaven and everyone anywhere.

Nightwings ass alone saves more people in a calendar year and does more for so society than most heroes do their whole career.Also u are one of the funniest tumblr pages out there. The vibes are unmatched and the memes and tags ✨send me✨.Thank u and goodnight @julia-flow 

fanksss also lmao.

That's going to be a little bit difficult to explain, but

There's some music that you listen to and you think, "oh my gosh, I can perfectly imagine Dick Grayson singing this song, with the same voice as the singer because that voice matches with Dick Grayson"?

oh yeah totally lmao. i have a lot of songs that i think are just entirely dick grayson yanno? kind of all of my playlists have that vibe, but i really find bleachers to fit with dick? idk.

"Lois lane/Superman" fics this, "Lois lane/Clark Kent" fics that, (/lh) let's get into the real good stuff. Some people ship Lois, Clark, and Superman as a throuple. Most popular fic tag for sure

yes totally, i think they’d be absolutely killer on ao3 and clark gets so fucking embarassed about it.

I miss your post, hope you’re doing okay!!

haha this was like 2 months ago, but i was doing fine then too! just didn’t have a lot of inspiration in terms of content.

Doot doot!

noot noot

I’m confused. What did DC do now? Like with nightwing? And another sibling? Please spoil everything for me

lmao they gave him a secret sister plotline where they had his dad cheat on his mom with tony zucco’s wife, bc dick’s life wasn’t traumatic enough yet.

sorry but it's so funny that batman is called "the dark knight" when the gotham city baseball team is called the gotham knights. it'd be like if a vigilante was running around new york called like "the scary yankee"

lmaooo no. but like yankee comes from dutch names or something so wouldnt it be HILARIOUS if gotham knights came from like german names and bruce would be running around called the dark KLAUS UND NIEK @graysonnightwing 

(not a batcest shipper) it’s so funny to me that the responses are “i’m a batcest shipper because i can differentiate fiction from reality and and it doesn’t bother me personally, but i understand why you oils think it’s weird” to “i wish all batcest shippers a very fucking die”

yeah lmaoo. i personally basically flipped my entire stance around to ‘i dont care please leave me and everybody else alone’ bc i think there’s really no point in starting a moral dillema over some fucking fandom bullshit. Please just,,, go home,,, log off, find a nice forest to have a little walk in and remember that somewhere in history, somebody probably died in the place you’re standing. and you will also die someday, and somebody will have to look at your internet usage and see you fighting multiple people anonymously while being named ‘nightwingsbuttchin200186′ like... calm down, we’re all gonna die this is not the thing to worry about.

so since like "wards" don't really exist in modern society almost all the batkids are foster kids, right? i used to work in the system and imagine: monthly visits from social workers and guardian ad litems, bruce having to get permission to take the boys anywhere out of state, calling their social worker at like 8 a.m. like "yeah dick broke his arm again... a gymnastics accident this time...." their poor social worker. bruce send her a huge bouquet and box of chocolates every month to stay on her good side

i imagine the social worker just getting into the case like ‘yeah let’s get this kid a good guardian’ and then ending up having to work with 22 y/o bruce wayne and his 50 y/o dad. and so this social worker is like ‘okay we can work with this, this is the best home i can find’ and then like it ends up landing on its feet and then the kid gets adopted and then they get a call a year later like ‘uhm so hi, this kid tried to steal my tyres can i adopt him?’ and like 3 years later. ‘okay so basically, my neighbours’ kid imprinted on me and now they’re dead, can i keep him?’ two years later it’s like ‘okay so this assassin child-’

ever since I saw that one post of yours, the meme that's something like "I know that abba's backup dancer got me" with a picture of discowing, I've been haunted. Every once in a while I'll be minding my own business then the image of abba's backup dancer dick grayson aka nightwing aka discowing will flash in my mind and I'll be frozen in place. Today at work I was in the middle of folding clothes and suddenly once again discowing entered my mind and I suddenly lost the ability to see anything except He. Thank you.

wow. the IMPACT.

Braver than any US marine man props to you🤝

this shit is about the time i wrote an article on batcest, like man,,, the fact that i didn’t get cancelled is MIRACULOUS. also like,,, uh if anybody on here did gossip on me,, send screenshots i’d love to see it.

Hello, just wanted to say your article was great. Thank you for taking the time to provide an unbaised answer. It should provide people with nuances they couldn't possibly conjure on their own.

May I ask where your username originates from?

yes you may (also thanks!!!) i thought it up when i was trying to find an original username bc i didnt want to be called like ‘timdrakes something something’ or ‘jason todd something smoething’ or ‘dick grayson something something’ yanno? so i thought batarangs, they sound so dumb and that’s my username story... now it’s my whole entire brand lmao.

yno that bit in kick ass where red mist asks kick ass if he wants a hit of his blunt, was that the inspo for stoner tim

no? it’s bc i think stoners are hilarious and drugs are great. (dont do drugs tho) 

How would u feel if someone actually wore one of those bruce or ollie pride shirts u edited

fenomenal next question.

Dick as lil huddy and Jason as James gave me radiation poisoning and now I’m screaming crying throwing up so thx for that

(Rico suave as Tim is perfect tho literally no changes needed)

i was so funny for that shit wasn’t i??? lmao i loved those weird ass fancasts

You're doing the Lord's work by providing us with all these Gotham/Metropolis citizens memes, thank you for being so relentlessly funny @nellethiel-aranel

you’re welcome!! i really enjoy making memes, but getting validation for my content and my memes is REALLY nice.

Bruce is such a slut in your memes and honestly i love that for him @rhodey-rhudert-rhodes-main 

he’s that much of a slut irl too dw.

Bruce and Alfred have an emergency pride flag for the batkids. Oliver Queen printed an emergency "I love my gay son" t-shirt and as soon as Roy told him he was dating Jason, Oliver started wearing that shirt everyday and Roy always cringes when he sees it. Oliver also has an emergency "I love my lesbian daughter" shirt just in case for Cissie.

lmao YES i had a post like this bc like all of their kids/family members are so gayy

stop bringing back batfam fancasts it is not real it is not real it is not- 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

oh yes it is my darling.

did discowing burn down the notredam because he hates the bees? @allulily

no he did it bc fuck the french.

im gonna beg for 1 thing and 1 thing only. please please please put physical by olivia newton john on dick's playlist

okay then beg. bc i wont. physical reminds me too much of glee and that hurts me mentally.

your playlist is sorely missing some Madonna. Specifically Into the Groove, Like a Prayer, and Vogue

i’m scared of madonna that’s why she’s not on there. she haunts me in my dreams.

suggestion: son of batman by aaron dews for dick’s playlist🤩

sorry, i listened to it and the vibe didn’t agree with me.

Hear me out, metropolis citizens sending rare pair fics of Clark Kent x Superman fics to Lois to edit

yes, absolutely hilarious. even more funny if they send like physical copies, no address attached and lois sends it back marked with red ink, SOMEHOW

Imagine all the smut Clark must of read editing the fics

clark reads smut confirmeeed

NOT LOIS READING SUPERBAT PORN AND EDITING IT A 2AM 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

hc that alfred is a meta that boosts healing factor of the people around him. if the bats are injured as much as they seem to be they would be doing bat stuff MAYBE half the year. no one including alfred knows about this. whenever the kids move out they inexplicably dont recover from injuries as fast and feel better whenever they visit the manor they just chalk it up to homesickness. bruce just thinks he heals really fast. alfred thinks everyone doesnt take care of themselves properly @finchcollector

that’s actually such a great idea, but i think that alfred would find out and learn how to concentrate it better so he can help more people, bc he’s great and i love him.

One of your dickfast posts reminded me of that tweet that goes: 'so you've had sex how many times? Yeah technically that's not a bromance' lol that's dickwally or dickroy

literally tho. like that’s all of dick’s friendships. once it gets past a certain time dick is like ‘wow i wonder what it would be like to make out with wally, wally come make out with me’ and wally’s like ‘we’ve done this like 40 times, dick, you know what it’s like’ and dick is like ‘sorry are you complaining?’ and they just make out.

superfam and batfam associations??

-batman and superman

-dick/barabara and supergirl?

-conner and tim

-jon and damian

pls enlighten me I am confused

nope,,, uhm batman and superman, but dick and superman as well, and then conner and tim, jon and damian and steph + babs with supergirl

I came across a fic in which Wonder Woman calls Batman "Stella" (like Stellaluna, the children's book) and I can imagine the batkids hop on the trend and maybe copies of the book appear at random places (aka, everywhere Bruce frequents)

sorry can’t reciprocate that was the name of my high school chemistry teacher and it gives me nightmares to think about.

good human what are your pronouns?

wouldn’t you like to know?

I need me some gothamites preferring harley over joker memes

everyone prefers harley over joker youre just very fucked up if you dont

don't understand why people try to add like veteran policy to the batfamily

dick pulling out his veteran batfam member card so he can eat first: step aside, peasants

Do you know the song Simmer by Haley Williams? It (the first verse anyways) reminds me of Jason? It's about rage.

damn yeah i LOVE HAYLEY!!!! youre right thoo

Okay so I like listen to your stoner Tim Drake playlist 24/7 but would he listen to skegss? Also I keep adding songs mentally it’s killing me 😩✋🏼 Anyways,, I literally love and worship your playlist 😃🤞🏼 And uh yeah have a good day ✨

stoner tim drake playlist is lyfeeee. also dont know who skeggs is? i’m stupid? have a good day!!

All the Robins (and Batgirl) decide to trade costumes for one night just to fuck with Batman and all the villains in Gotham. @subspacecadet 

batman knows it’s them youknow but like,,, what does he call them? he’s like ‘red hood?’ and 3 people answer and he’s not about to compromise some identities so he’s just Pissed.

I aspire to treat cops the way my dad treats them. This man is a 45 year old Asian immigrant to the US and the treats them like his pets. He talks about them like unruly children. Sometimes he pays off local cops to shut up and stop acting racist. And usually it works. I don’t know why but I can see Oliver Queen doing this

vibes... and also yes? oliver queen handing a local cop a donut to shut the fuck up lmao. but yanno i commit enough crimes to not really want to ever see a cop ever, so they kinda scare the everloving fuck out of me.

seeing as tim hasn't aged in years, that means he was 17 at peak emo tumblr era. im back on my emo tim bullshit and im not letting it go

emo tim had a wattpad account send tweet

People seem to think that batman is so dark and serious when the rainbow batsuit is right there. He wore it with no shame.

dude the 60s were a DIFFERENT TIME

dick grew up in a circus, jason grew up on the streets, and tim was probably raised by the internet

all of them cuss every other word and you cannot tell me otherwise

bitch i KNOW but dc has to change to an 18+ rating if they want to sell comix with swear words in them so we gotta deal with imagining the swear words in ourselves

thoughts on teen titans and young justice

haven’t seen teen titans on account of havent seen it and young justice was LITERALLY my favourite thing ever, tho i do gotta admit it’s not at all similar to the young justice comics unfortunately. i really wouldve liked to see timmy bart kon cassie and cissie animated on tv!!

ew ew ew how to delete batcest shippers I genuinely digust them

log off tumblr?

Okay as poc who was called racist for calling an Italian pastabrain: in the batfam are Italians bit Damian just yells various insults about the others being Italian. Just him yelling “What are you doing you moronic spaghettihead!” At steph etc

huh? i meant real italians. homeboy is telling steph he hopes she chokes on her fucking garlic.

I think it's dumb as hell to pull the batman is the best fighter in the batfam argument because like it's just irresponsible of Bruce to let his kids fight when they couldn't possibly be on his league or something

fair enough, but also like who cares they could all kill you just sit down and take a beating.

lady shiva, thalia al ghul and Selina Kyle are all milfs @notanothertimburtonenthusiastugh 

unfortunately, i have to admit,,, you’re right

why tf didn't someone give joker a death sentence already? like he's a mass murderer...give him the electric chair treatment wtf

idk i think plenty of people would have tried to murder him already (boring answer is: he is a popular character so they can’t kill him off bc he brings in lots of money)

There’s no such thing as “ copaganda”.

all american media is propaganda. happy to clear this up for you

is it bad that I find lady shiva owa owa

no. find her as owa owa as you want.

aight I'm guessing the order of your favs in batfam:

1. tim

2. Steph

3. dick

4. Duke

5. the rest

you’re wrong but it’s cute that you tried, i generally don’t have favourites, but i have a special place in my heart for steph, tim, dick and cass. bc they were like my introduction to batfam. but damian, jason, duke, bruce, babs and alfred are NOT FORGOTTEN OR UNLOVED

oh my god i was literally just readily willing to believe that italians werent white ty for clarifying it was a joke im so dumb sdkvjskdfs

i mean some italians aren’t white? italian is a nationality as well as an ethnicity, so like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

since I saw so many people doing headcanons about the nationalities of batboys, I see Dick as an Italian.

dont know if youre serious or not, but sure.

super random but

jason 🤝 damian

old english

lmao fair enough.

tim absolutely has 1 gay uncle and his parents shit talk said uncle all the time so after bruce adopts him he specifically reaches out to this uncle to be like "heyyyy just so you know you majorly influenced my life yes i know i havent seen you since i was 5 and at the family reunion yes i know you dont remember my name idc thank you im gay too" and then they never talk again.

yuppp lmao that’s definitely something that could happen. i can also consider tim having no family members, like none. until he does like a dna test and he realises he has like an aunt living barely 2 miles away from him who’s like some illegitimate child of his grandpa.

I dare you one of them sends clark superman/clark fic and clark corrects the shit out of it and then goes like ps his dick is not that big, just telling as someone who has seen it. internet either explodes or goes who tf did he not fuck at this point.

i think everybody would call clark a buzzkill and try to cancel him over that.

so you're telling me Tim Drake wouldn't buy Starbucks?

no. dunkin donuts all the way

One of my favorite things is imagining people finding out jason came back from the dead and being like "oh no does he have magic powers now?!?!?" and he just pulls out a gun and tries to shoot joker

now he doesn’t even have the gun :) lmao

my favorite batfamily fanfictions are the ones where they use their shitty codenames, unironically, in any context

bruce gets codename ‘ugh’ everytime. he hates it.

crazy that tim being a 17 y/o ceo and a stoner who does brand deals are all actual canon things written in detective comics comics and not made up for shits and giggles by you, tumblr user batarangsoundsdumb @rowdeyclown

SO CRAZY HUH?

batman au where everything is the same but his utility belt is bright pink

absolutely, but i raise you, his boots light up like sketchers when he kicks people.

unbeknownst to the superhero fandom writers in the dcuniverse, clark and BRUCE are one of the most prolific fanfic writers in the superhero rpf tag on ao3. clark writes the best lois x superman angst, full of unhappy endings and scenes that are a so detailed you'd think you were in the middle of a superhero beatdown. bruce made an ao3 account to fuel "the do the butts match" thing, and makes batman/bruce fics from time to time. he wrote a superbat fic as a joke but ended up making it REAL porny. @concrastinator

dude they’re WAY too busy for that. Oliver Queen and Hal Jordan on the other hand are the most prolific fanfic writers in the superhero rpf tag writing what is Mostly porn.

When the dining table topic gets to politics, Steph says "eat the rich" as the solution

bruce just silently takes away her fork and knife while she’s talking.

[spnfanficpond]

December 2019 Pond LiveChat Recap - Structuring Longer Plots

We had a great time chatting with @jhoomwrites​, today! Thank you so much for joining us and sharing your wisdom and experience!

Our chat was all about structuring longer plots, filler vs plot, and the different types of structures that are out there. (Mostly, we talked about how we don’t always have a structure in mind when we’re writing, and how we deal with it when a story breaks apart the structure we’d so carefully constructed.) A rundown of the chat, as well as general Pond news, is below the cut!

For those who don’t know her, Ashley is an avid writer, not just of fan fiction. She’s popular on Tumblr and AO3 for Destiel stories of all lengths, from little emoji ficlets she bangs out from requests (where followers send her a short string of emojis and she writes a story using them all) up to epic stories. She’s currently working on a hockey fan fiction that was her NaNoWriMo project, but with 120 SPN works on AO3, we’ve got plenty to read while she’s distracted with her hockey boys! (I’ve convinced her to be a member of the Pond, so hopefully we’ll see her around a lot in the future!)

We started off talking about how long our fics can get ( @katehuntington​ won with her Sullivan Series, which is currently at 570k), and whether we’re planners or pansters or a mix. Kate and Ashley are both kind of mixed, while @mrswhozeewhatsis​ has never successfully outlined a story, yet. 

Q: Was My Liege Lord (her longest at around 80k) planned or pansted?

Ashley: It was both. I had planned out some things, but then I got new ideas as I went that I wanted to explore and it padded out the length. I had a whole fic worth of plans, but just the amount of time in their lives I ended up covering necessitated adding things. Kate: I do that too. I stick to the plan, but I add soooooo much stuff along the way.

Q: When you write, and plan out a story, do you use a particular structure?

Ashley: I haven't written out a plan for a fic in some time, but I was really consistent with the style I used for a while. I would do a chart with the main plot points to the left, and then details (excerpt of dialogues, notes about specific scenes, etc) to the right. Here’s an example:

Ashley: It helps me when I get ideas later, I can find parts in the story by looking to the left and then add notes. It's my favorite way to plan out a story, especially if I know it will be multiple chapters and if I might not be starting it any time soon. This is much nicer than the outline for the story I'm working on now, which is just a list of events in chronological order (and another list of "things i could add but i don't know where this goes"). I wrote the outline about a day before I started so I didn't need as much structure.

Q: Having a plan helps, then?

Ashley: I didn't used to plan, but then I started a multi-chapter fic and realized...... I don't have an ending. So, I like to plan that out to make sure I have an actual beginning, middle, and end. Michelle: When I start, I have an idea and an ending. That’s it. All my stories have the same ending, though: And then they kissed and lived happily ever after!

Kate: It does give freedom, not having a detailed outline.

Ashley: That is true, it does make me sad when I get somewhere in the outline and there's something I'd liked, that I'd wanted to include, but it doesn't work anymore and I have to scrap it. Gotta balance sticking to the outline vs adapting to how the tone/characters have developed.

Q: Is your planning method something you learned, or something you developed? And do you use the same structure for all of your stories?

Ashley: Something I developed. I haven't had any real training or instruction in writing. I was struggling with longer fics being unorganized and not coming together at the end, so I needed something for myself. I like making charts, so I figured that was a good way to start! lol It's not something I do as much, anymore. It was a great tool when I started doing it, and I did it for years... but possibly because I've gained more writing experience with longer stories, I don't need to do it anymore. I start a fic with a general idea, I figure out where that idea is going, and start writing. I do more of a mental checklist now. Of course, for original stories, things I hope to one day publish, I will still outline.

Q: Do parts of your structure have names? A quick Google search on how to structure novels brought back about a lot of different methods for structuring a novel, all with different numbers of steps. Each step had a general idea, like rising action, climax, falling action, etc. I guess I mean, what parts of a story do you feel need to be there for it to work? What are the parts of your structure?

Ashley: Having never paid particular attention in my English classes, I would be hard pressed to put names on different parts of my story structure. I view it as beginning (set up, putting things in place), middle (the actual story more or less, all of the action), and ending (wrapping things up, resolution).

Q: When you half wing it and the story is coming along, and then you hit a plot hole, how do you handle that? 

Ashley: Well uh... **points vaguely towards abandoned WIPs** it can be rough. I do have some people I work with in terms of brainstorming. And if I get stuck with a fic I'm committed to, that I'm enjoying writing, then I talk it through with them. Sometimes, those issues are coming up--not because the story wasn't outlined--but more because I've just lost that spark of interest that I had before, and it's time to move on, anyway.

Q: There was a question submitted to the Pond by @kittenofdoomage​ about filler vs. plot.

Ashley: I think that's a real issue I face, filler vs plot. For some stories, I feel like I write a chapter and then can't really see what it adds to the story except maybe giving more characterization. My Liege Lord, I can think of some examples... and sometimes those things are cool, they're fun little ideas to explore and that's the only universe you could do it in, so you do it maybe for your own sake more than the story's. I think there's also a difference between reader and writer perceptions of what's filler. For my current project, there are scenes I wanted to include because I felt they were necessary to the plot, but I got the impression from people I'd polled that they would not be interested in those scenes (basically it's a romance and I was going to include things that were not directly related to the romance aspect and they said if it was more than a few paragraphs or so they didn't care). Michelle: I struggled with that with The Babysitter. Almost half of that fic is flashbacks to when the brothers were growing up and how their relationship with the reader developed. I considered cutting them all, but the fic felt thin. Sometimes, I'd pop a flashback chapter in there just to slow down the action in the present a bit, if you know what I mean. Like, chapter X is the night before the big battle, and chapter Y is the big battle, but it felt rushed to just go from X to Y, so I stuck D in between them. Ashley: Yeah, pacing is important, so the "filler" can help regulate that. It might also depend on if you view stories as about the plot or about the characters. If you view it as plot, then yes, you don't want that non-plot filler. If you view it as characters, then the filler doesn't necessarily move the story, but it adds depth and dimension to the characters and makes you appreciate them more. (I mean... I love the characters so much, I'd watch an episode of them just doing chores around the bunker...no plot, just them.) Kate: I just write what I feel like is right. Plus, I’m a sucker for a slow burn myself, so I’m not scared to let the readers wait.  I like to use fillers as a stairway to the big reveal or moment. What I love even more is to put a lot of foreshadowing in there, so when they read it the second time, they go: oh! Rhi: The thing is that I've found is that filler serves a lot of purposes. As mentioned above it's great for dropping a bit of foreshadowing. It's also great for expanding your background and making your characters more than two dimensional. It also gives your readers a breather. Especially if it's a heavy plot. I often find myself rambling in filler, which is where rereading is key. With longer stories, I have a brief outline of what I want. Sometimes I'll write the major points first, the ending etc then follow up with the filler. On occasion, your filler will end up imploding your plans but that's cool. That's when you either roll with it or take a break and neither of those are bad choices. It depends on the individual.

Q: (In one of the articles linked below) Peter Behrens mentioned a novel idea. He basically said he doesn’t worry about structure until the revision stage. He writes what he wants to, and then when he’s revising, he tweaks the story to fit whatever structure it fits to best.

Ashley: I do like that, and that's something that @unforth-ninawaters​ has mentioned. We're working on shorter stories that would need to be under 7.5k and I said I don't know if I could hit that. She said to write the whole story, even if it's longer, and then have someone edit it with an eye to shorten it, if necessary, and you'll probably end up with a tighter story that way. So, basically, that's how I view writing things, now. I write what I want to write for the story, and if it needs to go, it'll disappear later in the editing process. But what if it does belong? Well, then it's there, already. And yes on slow burns... for fic, it's a staple, and for WIPs, it's part of the lure, the draw in, as a reader--knowing that maybe they will maybe they won't hook up this week.

To close out the chat, we talked about the story structures listed in the following two links:

How to find your novel’s structure - This article discusses the traditional 5-stage plot structure (exposition, rising action, climax, falling action and resolution) and the 3-act structure (setup, confrontation, resolution), as well as some other points, like how characterization can affect structure.

Writing Cooperative -  Use a story structure to make writing your novel a lot easier - This article lists several structures, and includes links to read more about each one and their strengths and weaknesses. Different stories might do better under different structures, too. A romance novel wouldn’t necessarily need the 12 steps in The Hero’s Journey.

These links are definitely worth checking out if you have any fears or concerns about your story’s structure!

Next month we’re going to talk about Real People Fiction! We’re still looking for a guest speaker, so if anyone is interested, send a message to @mrswhozeewhatsis​!! Date and time to be announced!

General Pond Updates and Reminders

What we’ve got cooking up next: Not much, at the moment, since everyone is busy, so we’re just trying to keep up with the day-to-day at the moment! Our to do list is still long, though, and will not be neglected forever! Next up is organizing the tagging system on the blog to make it easier for readers to find the stories they’re interesting in and for writers to find the help they’re looking for!

Reminders:

Angel Fish Award nominations are accepted all month long! No need to wait to tell us how much you liked a fellow Fish’s work!  IF YOU HAVE SENT IN A NOMINATION, BUT HAVE NOT RECEIVED A PRIVATE MESSAGE CONFIRMING WE RECEIVED IT, WE DIDN’T GET IT. Be sure to use Submit instead of Ask!

Don’t forget to submit your stories to be posted to the blog! When your stories are on the blog, then they are easier to nominate for Angel Fish Awards!

Say hi to November’s New Members! (If we missed someone, let us know!)

Check the Pond CALENDAR to see when Big Fish will be in the Skype chat room/discord general channel and other Pond and SPN events are happening! Know of something that’s not on the calendar, send us an ask or submission with the deets info details!  The calendar offers a lot of features, such as showing you when things are in your own timezone! Since we’re an international group, that’s a definite plus!!

We’re looking for a guest speaker for January to talk about RPF! If you know of an RPF writer that you’d like to hear from, let us know!!

[weekinethereum]

September 21, 2018

News and Links

Protocol

[SNARKs] Toward ~500 tx/sec through mass tx validation

[ewasm] Latest Ewasm call

[Eth 2.0] Prysmatic’s latest implementation update: proposer & attester responsibilities, RPC validator interactions and minimal beacon chain processing & fork choice. Chose Bolt for database.

[Eth 2.0] Notes from last Eth 2.0 implementers call.

[Eth 2.0] Sigma Prime introduces its Lighthouse Eth 2.0 client

[State channels] Latest state channels call

[State channels] Learn State Channels, similiar to Learn Plasma

[Plasma] snapp - fully verified plasma chain using SNARKs and BarryWhiteHat’s roll_up

[Plasma] Enabling Faster Plasma Exits - NFT collateralization

[Plasma] Data Availability Solution for Plasma EVM without Confirmation

[Plasma] Quark–gluon Plasma - verified Plasma chain without confirmation signatures

[Plasma] Plasma Cash Defragmentation

[Plasma] Plasma Cash Minimal Atomic Swap

[Plasma] The current state of Plasma (before this week anyway!) by Kevin Zhang

[Plasma] Latest Plasma implementers call

A suggestion: if you want to work in this industry, publishing notes on any of these calls (Plasma, Ewasm, Eth 2.0, state channels, etc) is a great way to build knowledge and reputation.

Stuff for developers

Parameterized transaction reviews for when you want to decide which signers you want to approve different types of transactions

hosted Eth nodes and load balancing

Deconstructing Solidity, pt 5: function bodies

Solidity capture the flag pt 4 challenge, with pt 3 writeup

Sigma Prime’s Mehdi Zerouali: ‘breaking smart contracts for fun and profit’ slides

event logs parser

ethjs-abi for use in BigQuery, to decode Ethereum event logs

Ethereum in Google’s BigQuery: how we built this dataset

Ameen Solemaini video code walk through of Moloch DAO

Using APM to replace centralized package managers

Implementing Harberger tax deeds

Zymbit and Oaken blockchain security module available for pre-order for $47. i2c, Raspberry Pi ready. Ships mid-October

Registration open for next ConsenSys Academy cohort. Zastrin also just released an NFT/ERC721 course

RuntimeVerification’s formal verification spec in K of ERC777

Releases

Parity v2.1.1 beta and v.2.0.6 stable. Parity 1.x end of life.

Ecosystem

Multi-Collateral Dai: the code is formally verified and ready. Check it out on Kovan.

Avsa’s Universal logins working demo: first code release

Beltran on UX for mass adoption

Wyohackathon submissions and winners. EthBerlin winners. Also Hack the North Ethereum submissions

What Eth 2.0 layer 1 scalability will look like, by the numbers

TurboGeth is in private beta, per Rachel O’Leary’s interview with Alexey Akhunov

MEWConnect iOS app is out from My Ether Wallet

Ethfinex Trustless - non-custodial trading using Bitfinex order book, settlement on-chain

Governance and Standards

EIP1418: blockchain rent proposal

ERC820 pseudo-introspection registry is in last call

ERC1412: Batch Transfers For Non-Fungible Tokens

ERC1410: partially fungle token

ERC1417: poll standard

Nick Johnson had a chat with Kristy-Leigh Minehan and switched to supporting ProgPOW. Currently, there’s a 20x increase in processing over ethash in benchmarking, though Minehan says that’s because the CPU code is currently just a copy of the GPU code

Tokensoft on its ERC1404: simple restricted token standard

Project Updates

CasinoFair will be the first live FunFair casino later this month. Available in Canada, Switzerland, Finland, Norway and Thailand. Signup for free FUN

Raiden update on mainnet launch. Testnet release: v0.10.0

Augur app v1.5

Streamr helping build a nationwide traffic map in Georgia

WindingTree’s summer demo release

Santiment’s daily active addresses and Github commit data is free.

Grid+ is live with its first electricity customers

Dapped launches with dapp game reviews

Intro to the Golem marketplace during Brass

1.25m Loom (~110kUSD) to run a LoomNetwork PlasmaChain validator

Interviews, Podcasts, Videos, Talks

Two great Blockcrunch podcasts on state channels: Connext’s Arjun Bhuptani and Celer Network’s Mo Dong

EthBerlin videos

Golem, Status, Raiden UX talks from their meetup at EthBerlin

Linda Xie with Laura Shin

First episode of Around the Block documentary

An interview with Conrad Barski

Latest Open Source Block Explorers call

Zero Knowledge Summit videos

Hudson Jameson on Zero Knowledge

Tokens / Business

Chart: staker rewards and total inflation in Eth 2.0

Polymath on using partially fungible tokens from its security token standard for gaming

Claims curated registries: reputation development

Bonding curves as funding mechanisms

Polkadot/web3

Jack Platts: state of the Polkadot ecosystem. Polkascan explorer is live

GRANDPA block finality in Polkadot

Buzzfeed published a sensationalist hit piece on Gavin Wood over a short story he wrote years ago. His response. I read the story years ago; ‘twas obviously fiction.

Cloudflare now runs an IPFS gateway. How they built it e2e

General

15 of the world’s largest banks and trading firms start Komgo to build a commodity trading platform on Ethereum.

Airbus announced an ERC721 framework for charities to take donations

Rep Emmer (R-MN) unveils blockchain-friendly bills to clarify tax with regard to forks and not require miners to register as MSBs (which would be a truly asinine requirement)

NY AG claimed that Coinbase was doing its own trading. Actually, 20% of Coinbase exchange volume comes from Coinbase’s retail. It doesn’t even have an OTC desk.

Putting a Syrian airstrike early warning system on Ethereum for data transparency

SEC Commissioner Peirce speech on being CryptoMom

Blockchain futurism from John Wolpert: sidechains for fun and profit

David Chaum says he has built a better Bitcoin

A Bitcoin bug would have allowed inflation. It was discovered by a Bitcoin Cash developer

Dates of Note

Upcoming dates of note:

September 21-23 - EthAtlanta

Sept 29 - Oct 1 - Ethfinex’s governance summit (Lugano)

Oct 5-7 - TruffleCon in Portland

Oct 5-7 - ETHSanFrancisco hackathon

Oct 8 - Settle virtual hackathon

Oct 11 - Crypto Economics Security Conf (Berkeley)

Oct 12 - Non-fungible summit(SF)

Oct 22-24 - Web3Summit (Berlin)

Oct 24-25 - Winding Tree hackathon (Prague)

Oct 26-28 - Status hackathon (Prague)

Oct 28-30 - Ethereum Magicians Council of Prague

Oct 29 - Decentralized Insurance D1Conf (Prague)

Oct 30 - Nov 2 - Devcon4 (Prague)

Nov 2 - MetaMask, Mist, imToken and Status to stop injecting web3

Nov 3-4 - Enterprise Ethereum hackathon (Prague)

Dec 7-9 - dGov distributed governance conf (Athens)

Dec 7-9 - ETHSingapore hackathon

Feb 15-17 - ETHDenver

If you appreciate this newsletter, thank ConsenSys

This newsletter is made possible by ConsenSys, which is perpetually hiring if you’re interested.

I own Week In Ethereum. As such, editorial control has always been 100% me.  If you're unhappy with editorial decisions, feel free to tweet at me.

Shameless self-promotion

Link: http://www.weekinethereum.com/post/178351920908/september-21-2018

Most of what I link to I tweet first: @evan_van_ness

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[fusion-ego]

♤Update♤

♤ First week back at college has come to a close for me - no class on Fridays, so I’ve got the day to myself for homework and writing. Overall it’s been a huge success, I’ve reconnected with the people I know who work there and I’ve discovered I’m a whole lot more willing to talk to people to get things done than I was last time. It’s been really cool to see my own growth via me being willing to talk to teachers about my concerns and just have regular conversations and not feel like my skin is crawling, and it’s a nice change from two years out of state where every conversation felt kind of dangerous.

♤ On the subject of school, this is just a slightly funny little story. I’m still waiting for my financial aid to process so I can get my books and supplies or whatever else - to be expected when I literally applied back and got registered a week before class started, you know? But anyways my mom is friends with the lady in charge of processing financial aid, and I know her pretty well too, so I managed to get my stuff processed way quicker than it would have been otherwise just by being like “Hey, Trina! How are you? That’s good, I’m glad to hear that. Oh, I’m okay, I just wanted to make sure you guys got my financial aid stuff!” “Hey, Trina! I’m okay, thanks for asking - but I’ve still got this unsatisfied requirement, and it says I don’t have to do anything, but do you have any idea when that might be processed?” and she’s literally just processed my stuff pretty much immediately afterwards every time I’ve gone in there to talk to her about it, which is super funny to me, especially after having to waffle around the financial aid offices at the universities I tried to attend. I’m literally waiting to hear back so I can file my appeal and then I’ll be free and clear.

♤ I am still trying to come up with around $200 for bills - I’ve got about $25/$200 at the moment but if I end up needing that money for something more pressing (lunch at the school if I don’t have anything to take with me, gas money if mom’s short, disposable plates/flatware, etc) I’m obviously going to have to use it for those things. Not really a huge issue, just kind of annoying. Anyways, point is, my commissions are definitely still open (fic and art), I’ll be sharing the posts around again soon, so if you’ve got enough to spare for something I’d really appreciate the help. Or if you could just be kind enough to reblog the posts, I’d appreciate that a whole lot too. Reminder: All writing commissions are 50% off until the end of the year! That means you can get a 2K word oneshot for $10, or a 2 chapter work for the same amount, instead of paying $20 for either!

♤ I’ll be sharing the fic poll again semi-regularly here soon. If you enjoy my work but haven’t responded to it yet, it’d be really cool if you could the next time it makes its rounds! I run the poll because I write what I enjoy writing, but if I can write something that people who already read my work enjoy just as much, then that’s awesome and I love being able to do it. Responses don’t always have a direct bearing on what I end up writing, but generally if there’s enough responses indicating people liked x thing, I’ll end up keeping x thing in mind for future works!

♤ The Operator Rewrite is still slated to be finished up sometime this year and published either this year or early next year! I’m a little embarrassed it’s taken this long to get somewhere with it, but I’ve had a lot of other things on my mind besides rewriting my first foray into the original fiction scene. It happens that way sometimes, and while I’d love to just crank out book after book and make a living off of it, it’s not realistic for someone like me who writes almost exclusively when I have the motivation.

♤ With a few exceptions, I’m not going to be posting new works for a time. Instead I’ll be focusing on prior multi-chapter things, and I may or may not switch up my loose posting schedule to focus on one or two projects at a time until I complete them. Exceptions include commissions, works in my “given time,” series of Jak and Daxter oneshots, and (if I work on any anytime soon) works in the “Making Enemies Is As Easy As 1, 2...” series.

♤ That’s all for now! ♤

[bewareoftrees]

Babylon 5 Watch (Season 1, Episodes 4-6)

Finally sat down to watch more Babylon! And man do these three episodes start with a doozy. But before that, here’s a list of the nicknames I’ve given everyone.

The Commander - Commander Jeffrey Sinclair The Russian - Commander Susan Ivanova Garibalding (or Daffy Duck) - Michael Garibaldi Sounds Like Jafar - G’Kar Space Vamp - Londo Mollari The Peeler - Talia Winters The Doctor - Dr. Stephen Franklin Delenn - Bonehead

At first this was just going to be a list to help you out with understanding who I’m referencing when I use a nickname, but now it’s a list to help me out. @jenniferstolzer let me know that Bonehead is a derogatory term in this universe, so to avoid being rude to these fictional characters it’s time for me to figure out who’s who on this station.

All right, let’s dig in!

Episode 1.4 “Infection”

Garibalding: “He took out a fighter to check out a damaged transport.”  Reporter: “Isnt that sort of job usually delegated to someone else?” THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING!

Surprise, surprise. Garibalding continues to be a perv. Who asks a woman you just met if she’s into aphrodisiacs? Surprised he didn’t follow that up with, “Wanna try it with me?” Creeper wink. Granted, what he did follow it up with wasn’t any better. 

Those aren’t her broadcasts!

Reporter: “We took a poll when this station first opened and 75% of ISN viewers said that this place wouldn’t even last 5 minutes!” - What the hell happened to Babylon 1-4!?

Random Note: Just made the connection that Babylon sounds like Babel. Yes, Babylon was an actual place, but the Tower of Babel makes way more sense with this world since it is a bunch of alien species coming together to work through their language (or cultural, political, etc) differences. Or maybe this whole place is just about Hamurabi’s code and I’m thinking too much into it.

Wonder if the actor playing Dr. Vance Hendricks is mostly a theater actor because this whole nothing scene is performed out to the audience, with his back to The Doctor, who he is talking to.

I prefer Nathan Drake to Nelson Drake, the archaeologist’s assistant. WHERE’S MY UNCHARTED MOVIE!?

Living machines get a big nope from me. Plus that artifact looks like a marker from Dead Space. All a big NOPE! So stop touching them!

Later Hendricks said that he knew they had to attach to a host in order to work. So again, I say, STOP TOUCHING THEM!

Commanderisms:

“I got transferred to an outpost so far off the star maps you couldn’t find it with a hunting dog and a Ouija Board.” What does this even mean!?

“How sharper than a serpent’s tooth.”

Someone needs to tell The Doctor what an archaeologist is: “You’re a brilliant man, Vance. A solid researcher… you should be out making your own discoveries instead of raiding dead worlds…”. “Feels a little like grave robbing.”

Garibalding was fired 5 times for “unspecified personal problems. Was it an inability to not sexually harass every woman he sees? Bet it was.  

So nice that these two guys synchronized their death poses. (Also, how the heck did The Doctor survive this with barely a mark!?)

OMG these vests. They are everything. 

“I need this whole area cleared. We’ll need room to maneuver.”

Alien Hitler: “My name! Who knows my name!?” Can you imagine how much he would freak out if he went to Cheers?

I thought all that tech fused with his body and mutated his physiology, so how the heck do you go from alien Hitler to human after all that!? Was there a zipper I didn’t see!?

Man, things get super dark when Londo isn’t in an episode. Too real… Ethnocentrism, weaponizing new technology, protective vests that look like super ugly sweater vests… 

Episode 1.5 “The Parliament of Dreams”

Looks like pigs are still a thing. Thank God. A world without bacon is not a world I want to exist.

LOL G’Kar’s reactions to the video about the assassin coming for him are great. The dude just said you will die in the next 48 hours, you really think the assassin is going to be in the corner of your room at minute 1, waiting for the tape to end!?

This episode definitely went a long way to turn my opinion to G’Kar towards the positive by giving him some comedic bits to work with. But the show was also quick to remind me that the whole reason for this hit is because he does shady stuff. Let us not forget Episode 1!

Whoa Ivanova just laughed. I repeat, Ivanova just laughed! Looks like she is capable of having fun when she lets her hair down, literally.

I got super excited because Londo just threw something left handed (for those keeping track, that is 3 out of 5 episodes in which he throws something, and he wasn’t even in 1 of the 5 total episodes). As a lefty, it is always super exciting to see another member of the club (a recent addition being the girl who plays Beverly in the new It), but @jenniferstolzer quickly put a stop to that happiness by sending me a gif where he throws something right handed. So I will have to wait a bit longer before I make my final decision on his club membership.

Wonder if I could pull off the Superman curl in my daily life.

In this same scene Lady Superman said something about her birth number and I got super confused. Like: “Did Babylon 5 just drop some hardcore sci-fi into the show with no explanation? Are people grown in tubes!?” She mean’t berth number, guys… Berth. Shame face…

How the Hell can G’Kar be sleeping during his last 48 hours alive!?

First G’Kar, now Delenn is talking about how revealing her past would lead to too many questions. Did no one do a background check on any of these people!?

I think I have a new favorite alien face sculpt on the show. Seriously, look at this dude. (Also, when this shot first came on I thought that was a smiley face behind his head, which plays out more in the next episode.)

G’Kar just said, “In 2 Earth hours.” That’s right, abide by our rules!

Hello, I’ll be your server tonight. Would you like me to cut this tension with a knife for you?

Did you guys just see that!? In the background G’Kar’s hand comes in from out of frame and steals Ivanova’s ceremonial fruit in case his was poisoned. Just in case you were curious about the relationship of these two.

Wait, did I just detect sexual tension between The Commander and Delenn? Server, we need you!

Later they said something about this possibly doubling as a marriage ceremony. Did someone just get Mrs. Reynolds’ed? (Sidenote: I really need to rewatch Firefly in the very near future.)

Of course Garibalding sniffed out the random pair of panties in G’Kar’s room.

What kind of assassin waits until there is a witness to carry out the hit? Especially when he isn’t planning on torturing him before killing him. He even smiled for the camera! (Sidenote: the way the episode plays out, I don’t think that woman tried to contact anyone herself about what she saw. G’Kar’s assistant had to call her.)

What kind of assassin has reading glasses!?

That’s a scary looking torture device. You know what isn’t scary? Calling those things on it “Pain Givers.”

Episode 1.6 “Mind War”

Hey! A new pilot! FINALLY! … And… he’s dead…

Another “finally” moment: Garibalding got elbowed in the gut for being a perv.

Aw man… Ivanova hair is tied back up. If the hair being down is gone, that means the laughter is also likely gone… Then again, this might not be a bad thing. BA Ivanova is awesome, and she’s getting some good moments in this episode. Two great lines of hers: 1) “Who watches the Watchmen?” 2) “What do you do in your spare time, juggle babies over a fire pit?”

You know it’s the future cuz the paper is transparent. But joke’s on them! Any of you ever use a projector in school? Ever try to hold a transparency and read it? It’s not easy. Best fix is to put a white piece of paper behind it. So way to make things harder, future!

I thought telekinetics were scary enough before just because they can throw stuff at you. I never imagined stuff like pinching carotid arteries!

Ok, I know I said I wouldn’t make fun of the graphics last time, but look at them!

Speaking of Watchmen: Earlier I thought the new telepath was going all Professor X when he was making the world shake (everyone watch Logan!), but I was in the wrong comic. He’s becoming everything. If he becomes indifferent then we’re screwed.

Maybe don’t follow “I mean you no harm, commander,” with “I could vaporize you right now with a single thought.”

Eh heh… You would think that PsyCop would’ve seen the punch to the face coming.

And… he’s vaporized someone. Yep! Def Doctor Manhattan!

And... now he’s def everything. He’s a giant space ghost. You know what’s included in being everything? Being vain. He gave himself the Manhattan abs.

He made Talia telekinetic!? After everything he said about how awful his experience was, how the heck is that a gift!?

So there’s my thoughts on episodes 3-6 of season 1. Did I miss anything?

[viralhottopics]

Stephen King on Donald Trump: How do such men rise? First as a joke

Hes written novels with eerily similar plotlines but how did Trump become president? The only way to find out: inject a panel of fictional voters with truth serum…

I started thinking Donald Trump might win the presidency in September of 2016. By the end of October, I was almost sure. Thus, when the election night upset happened, I was dismayed, but not particularly surprised. I didnt even think it was much of an upset, in spite of the Huffington Post aggregate poll, which gave Hillary Clinton a 98% chance of winning an example of wishful thinking if ever there were one.

Some of my belief arose from the signage I was seeing. Im from northern New England, and in the run-up to the election I saw hundreds of Trump-Pence signs and bumper stickers, but almost none for Clinton-Kaine. To me this didnt mean there were no Clinton supporters in the houses I passed or the cars ahead of me on Route 302; what it did seem to mean was that the Clinton supporters werent particularly invested. This was not the case with the Trump people, who tended to have billboard-sized signage in their yards and sometimes two stickers on their cars (TRUMP-PENCE on the left; HILLARY IS A CRIMINAL on the right).

Brexit also troubled me. Most of the commentators brushed its importance aside, saying that the issue of whether or not Britain should leave the EU was very different from that of who should become the American president, and besides, British and American voters were very different animals. I agreed with neither assessment, because there was a vibe in the air during most of 2016, a feeling that people were both frightened of the status quo and sick of it. Voters saw a vast and overloaded apple cart lumbering past them. They wanted to upset the motherfucker, and would worry about picking up those spilled apples later. Or just leave them to rot.

Clinton voters were convinced shed win, even if they saw her as a ho-hum candidate at best. Many did not even bother going to the polls, which was a large (and largely unstated) factor in her loss. Trump voters, on the other hand, could not wait to pull those levers. They didnt just want change; they wanted a man on horseback. Trump filled the bill.

I had written about such men before. In The Dead Zone, Greg Stillson is a door-to-door Bible salesman with a gift of gab, a ready wit and the common touch. He is laughed at when he runs for mayor in his small New England town, but he wins. He is laughed at when he runs for the House of Representatives (part of his platform is a promise to rocket Americas trash into outer space), but he wins again. When Johnny Smith, the novels precognitive hero, shakes his hand, he realizes that some day Stillson is going to laugh and joke his way into the White House, where he will start world war three.

Big Jim Rennie in Under The Dome is cut from the same cloth. Hes a car salesman (selling being a key requirement for the successful politician), who is the head selectman in the small town of Chesters Mill, when a dome comes down and cuts the community off from the world. Hes a crook, a cozener and a sociopath, the worst possible choice in a time of crisis, but hes got a folksy, straight-from-the-shoulder delivery that people relate to. The fact that hes incompetent at best and downright malevolent at worst doesnt matter.

Both these stories were written years ago, but Stillson and Rennie bear enough of a resemblance to the current resident of the White House for me to flatter myself I have a country-fair understanding of how such men rise: first as a joke, then as a viable alternative to the status quo, and finally as elected officials who are headstrong, self-centered and inexperienced. Such men do not succeed to high office often, but when they do, the times are always troubled, the candidates in question charismatic, their proposed solutions to complex problems simple, straightforward and impractical. The baggage that should weigh these hucksters down becomes magically light, lifting them over the competition like Carl Fredricksen in the Pixar film Up. Trumps negatives didnt drag him down; on the contrary, they helped get him elected.

I decided to convene six Trump voters to discover how and why all this happened. Because I selected them from the scores of make-believe people always bouncing around in my head (sometimes their chatter is enough to drive me bugshit), I felt perfectly OK feeding them powerful truth serum before officially convening the round table. And because they are fictional my creatures they all agreed to this. They gulped the serum down in Snapple iced tea, and half an hour later we began. My panelists were:

Gary Barker, a construction worker from how fitting Gary, Indiana. Gary from Gary is 41, married with two kids, currently unemployed. Graduated high school, never went to college.

William Russell, from Delray Beach, Florida. William spent his working life as a banker in Albany, New York, and is now retired and living in a gated community. Hes 67, a good amateur golfer, physically fit and mentally sharp. Has been married for more than 40 years, with three grown children and six grandchildren. Holds a bachelors degree from New York University and a graduate degree (in accounting) from the University of Illinois, Chicago.

Felicia Gagnon, from Castle Rock, Maine. Felicia is 25 and the sole employee of the Castle Rock Washateria, where she washes, dries, folds and sometimes delivers. She also serves as the janitor. She is unmarried, no children. Graduated high school, never went to college.

David Allen is a roadie-for-hire in Nashville, almost always employed. Last year he toured with both Little Big Town and Trisha Yearwood. He is 29, divorced, with one child. He makes his support payments regularly. Graduated high school, has two years of college (no degree).

Andrea Sparks is a successful restaurant owner in Flint City, Oklahoma. She is 42, twice divorced, with three children. She has a degree in business administration from the University of Oklahoma. Next year she will be president of the Flint City Chamber of Commerce.

Helen Wiggins is a single mother who lives in McKeesport, Pennsylvania, and works as a nail technician (she prefers this to manicurist). She is 28 years old. Graduated high school, no college.

Although they come from varying walks of life and have attained varying degrees of education, none of these participants was stupid, venal or evil. The reader would do well to remember that they were loaded with potent truth serum, which forced them to say what they actually believe, rather than what they thought might be most palatable to their interlocutor. If you, gentle reader, should be inclined to view any of them with contempt or feel outraged about their comments, youd do well first to look inward and ask what you might say if compelled to give the truth of your feelings, the whole truth, the absolute truth, and nothing but the truth. And, with that caveat, the discussion.

Stephen King Thank you all for coming, and agreeing to participate.

Helen Wiggins You could use a manicure. Your nails are too long. But at least it doesnt look as if you chew them.

William Russell I started one of your books but didnt finish it. Ill never try another one. Youre an awful writer.

King Many critics would agree, but todays subject is politics rather than fiction. To begin, Id like to go around the table and ask each of you when you decided you were going to vote for Donald Trump.

Gary Barker After a couple of debates I knew who I was going for. He [Trump] had nicknames for the other guys that really put them in their places. Lyin Ted, for instance. I hated that guy. He always looked like he wanted to yell, Come to Jesus! And Little Marco. That was my favorite. He [Trump] nailed that sucker. He [Rubio] looked like he was about 13 fuckin years old.

Wiggins Dont forget Crooked Hillary. That was the cutest nickname.

David Allen Right. When they all started yelling, Lock her up! at the convention. I knew then it was going to be a whole new ballgame, and I decided to vote for Trump. But I didnt shoot my mouth off about it. Nashville is in the south, but in the music business there are plenty of bleeding hearts. Not like Hollywood, thank God, but you still have to be careful. I started off saying I hadnt made up my mind when people asked me, then I started saying, Probably Clinton. I never told anyone I was going to vote for Trump. Especially not my ex. She would have torn my balls off.

Russell Trumps a businessman who understands business. Hes going to make them sit on the minimum wage, and hell take off a lot of those stupid banking, business and pollution regulations. Its working already. Just look at the stock market.

Felicia Gagnon Most of my customers at the Washateria were for him, so I decided I was, too. It wasnt just going along with the crowd, either. He always had an answer for everything, and he took no shit. Also, he wants to keep the illegals out. My job isnt much, but it pays the rent. What if some illegal comes along and tells Mr Griffin hes the owner that shell do my job for half the salary? Would that be fair?

Andrea Sparks It wouldnt, it absolutely wouldnt. And I admired him for a comeback he made to Clinton in, I think it was their first debate. She said he paid no taxes, and Trump came right back, said: That makes me smart. I knew right then I was going to vote for him, because taxes are killers. Thats why no one from the middle class can really get ahead. They tax you to death. I am making a little bit of money, but Id be making a lot more if they didnt tax me so badly, and why do they do it? To pay welfare for the illegals Felicia was talking about. The beaners, the darkies and the camel-jockeys. I would never say that if I wasnt full of this truth serum stuff, but Im glad I did. Its a relief. I dont want to be a racist, its not how I was raised, but they make you be one. I work hard for what Ive got, from nine in the morning until midnight, sometimes until one in the morning. And what happens? The government takes the sweat from my brow and gives it to the foreigners. Who shoot it into their arms with dope the drug mules bring up from Mexico.

Barker Amen to that, sister.

Wiggins You know, I was torn at first, but when he hired that guy Pence to be his vice-president, I got on board. He [Pence] was so smart at the debate he had with that other guy. He had an answer for everything.

Gagnon Also handsome, with that nice white hair.

Wiggins Yes, he takes care of himself. Nice haircut, good teeth, beautiful skin. I thought to myself, Trump is on the fat side. If he has a heart attack and dies, Pence can take over. And the guy who ran with Clinton, I cant even remember his name, but he looked like one of those guys at the DMV who, when you finally get to the front of the line, says you filled out the paperwork wrong and sends you home.

[General laughter from the panel.]

Russell Also, theres the matter of the trademark slogans. Do you know what Im talking about?

King Tell me.

Russell Candidates have certain codified positions, which form the basis of the so-called stump speech. In that speech, which is about the same whether its made in Portland, Maine or Portland, Oregon, they make their basic talking points over and over. But they also need a simple summation of what they stand for. Thats conveyed by the trademark slogan, something simple and catchy. Trumps was MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, and it was perfect. Contains two words of great power: America and great. Clintons was STRONGER TOGETHER. Vague. Wishy-washy. Forgettable. Stronger than what? Together with whom? It says nothing. The person who thought that up was an idiot, and she was an idiot for using it. Her slogan might as well have been WERE GOING TO DO SOME STUFF.

Sparks Trump was the boss. Clinton was just bossy, and take it from me, nobody likes a bossy woman. As a business person, I have to use a certain amount of tact. She didnt have that.

Allen When she spoke, she kind of brayed.

Gagnon Because she was trying to sound like a man. That may work in New York, but not out where there are real people.

Sparks Whatever, it was like fingernails on a blackboard. If I talked to my waitstaff like that, half of them would quit.

King OK, since were on the subject of Clinton, I want to go around the table and have you give me one word or one short phrase that describes your impression of her. Gary, you havent had much to say, so lets start with you.

Barker Before we get to that, I just want to say that Ive always been attracted to young men on surfboards. This truth serum is whoo.

King Good to know, and thank you for sharing, but how about a word or simple phrase describing your impression of

Barker Bitch. I thought she was a bitch.

King OK. Felicia?

Gagnon Stuck-up. A stuck-up smartypants. She talked down to people.

King William?

Russell Felicias exactly right. Clinton projected arrogance and a sense of entitlement. Riding on Slick Willies coat-tails.

Allen I hated those pantsuits. Like she doesnt think people can figure out shes got a booty. And shes starting to look really old.

Wiggins Is she a lesbian? I heard she was a lesbian.

Sparks I dont care about that, but her bestie was one of those Muslims. You know, the one married to the guy always showing his junk on the internet. Huma Abba-Jabba, or something.

King Id like to discuss two issues that dogged Hillary Clintons campaign

Sparks Can I just say I ate a whole box of chocolate pinwheel cookies last night? Id like to say that. Then I vomited them back up, because I have to stay thin.

King Thank you, Andrea. Now, if I could turn to Clintons involvement if you choose to call it that in the Benghazi attack, where four Americans, including US ambassador J Christopher Stevens, were killed. Did that play a part in your decision not to vote for Clinton?

Allen Is Benghazi in Africa or China?

Russell Actually, its in Libya. Which the Obama administration destabilized by not helping Gaddafi in his time of need. The man was an asshole, but he was our asshole. Pardon my French, ladies.

Barker Putting the bitch factor aside, I dont think you can hold her responsible for what a bunch of ragheads do. They just want to kill Americans for Allah.

King So you dont blame her?

Barker Not for that, Jesus no. Hey, you should see my collection of surfer mags. My wife thinks its the boards Im interested in.

King Just to put a button on this, were any of you influenced by Benghazi when you stepped into the voting booth?

[No responses.]

Illustration: Leonard Beard for the Guardian

King OK, lets move along. There was also a controversy about Clinton sending and receiving emails on an unsecured server. Something like 35,000. Did that influence any of you?

Russell Speaking just for myself, not at all. Hackers can get into any computer, secured or not. Someone phished my American Express card number and got himself over $1,000 worth of equipment at Best Buy. They should bring back the whipping post for people who do that. It would put a stop to the practice in short order.

Allen Billy-boy, you nailed it. Computers these days might as well be screen doors. You see hacking all the time in the music business. And hey, get real. What was the stuff going back and forth, anyway? Recipes, gossip, Ill be here at such-and-such a time, did you see her new purse, shit like that. Give me a break.

Barker Whats this about emails? What are you talking about?

Wiggins Never mind, no biggie.

Gagnon My computer is busted. It was just a cheap one, anyway. I have to buy a new one, but cant afford it just now. Id steal one, but Im scared of getting caught.

King Andrea, what about you?

Sparks I dont care about that chicks emails. What I care about are the taco-benders down the street with their food wagon, cutting into my business. I went to the police, and they said the taco-benders had a permit. How do illegals get a permit to sell food on the street? Tell me that.

Russell Do you have proof they are illegals, Andrea?

Sparks I dont need proof. Those wetbacks are like bedbugs, theyre everywhere. And they breed. I cant wait until Trump builds that wall. The Mexicans say they wont pay for it, but they will, unless they want American tanks in Jurez and Tijuana. You wait and see. Trump takes no shit. I like a man who takes no shit. If my ex-husbands had been more like that, Id never have fired them.

Wiggins You want a scandal? Clintons on the side of the baby-killers, thats a scandal.

Barker Shes also on the side of the gun Puritans. Ive got four firearms, two handguns and two rifles, and nobodys taking those suckers. Nobody.

King Very interesting, Gary, but weve wandered away from the question. Were any of you influenced by the so-called email scandal when you stepped into the voting booth?

[No responses.]

King OK, Id like to move along to

Allen Can I say something else about Hillary?

King Of course, David.

Allen You asked us when we decided to vote for Trump. Ill tell you when I decided I was also gonna vote against her, even though I thought she was basically OK. Smart, even. I dont go along with that bitch stuff, either. I work with women on the road, and even the ones who are bitches hate that word. So I steer clear of it.

Sparks Whats your point, Mr Huffington Post Politically Correct?

Allen You ought to do something about that hair, maam, your dye jobs showing.

Sparks Fuck you.

King If we have that out of the way

Allen I was in Houston on 9/11 last year, OK? Visiting my sister and picking up some bucks working an Eric Church gig. That afternoon, before I had to go on down to the Bayou and start rolling amps, I was in this little place called Spot Mikes, kind of a lunchateria where they also serve beer. The TV was on, and they showed Hillary collapsing after she tried to give a speech, or maybe she did give it, I dont know. But she went legless and the men around her, probably Secret Service, had to help her into the car. It made me think of something my grandad used to say: woman-weak. Thats what she was, woman-weak. Now suppose that happened during a crisis, or something. No, she didnt have any business being the most powerful person in the world.

King Can I point out that George HW Bush vomited during a state dinner in Japan?

Barker I remember that, but he had food poisoning. Her, though, its like Dave said: woman-weak.

Gagnon I heard she had a bunch of strokes and they covered it up.

Russell She and Slick Willie are big-time dopers. Its a known fact. Whereas Trump doesnt even drink.

Wiggins Kind of a fat shit, though, isnt he? Likes his Whoppers.

[General affectionate laughter from the panel.]

King I want to move on to some of the negatives about Trump, and ask why they didnt influence you. Lets start with his alleged ties to Russia. Anyone care to comment?

Gagnon Speaking of influence, do you have any with TV people, Mr King? Id sure like to be on The Price Is Right. Im very good at guessing the prices of things, toasters and such, and Id like a chance at one of those showcases. They have these wonderful trips.

King Im sorry, I dont know anyone who

Russell You have to stand in line, like everyone else. Live with it.

King There have been accusations that Trumps associates have ties to Russia, and that Trump himself may have financial interests in that part of the world. Hes certainly said plenty of complimentary things about Putin. Any feelings on that? Helen? What about you?

Wiggins Whats wrong with making friends of an enemy? Burying the hatchet? Thats what the Bible says.

Allen Like that song, Whats So Funny Bout Peace, Love, And Understanding?

Sparks Totally agree. As for the oil, if theres more, the prices go down. More miles for your buck. No-brainer.

Gagnon Speaking of that, they had one of those electric cars on The Price Is Right just last week. I think it was a Prius, or maybe a

Russell Two strong men working together. I like it. Its good for business.

King Anyone else?

Wiggins Is it lunchtime yet? I dont know if its the serum or what, but I could eat a horse.

Allen I got something you can eat, hon. Not as big as a horse but almost.

King This seems an appropriate time to ask about certain sexual allegations. The famous grab em by the pussy remark, for instance. And how you can do anything if youre famous. Ladies first.

Gagnon How many women do you think have been throwing themselves at him, someone whos rich and handsome?

[General laughter at the word handsome.]

Gagnon Well, he was, anyway, and hes still rich. Nobody talks about women who go sex-fishing for men, tell you that.

Sparks Also, most women in showbusiness are whores, so whats the big deal? Look at the Academy Awards if you dont believe me. Every woman under 30 falling out of her dress. Show a man dessert, honey, hes going to want to eat.

Barker And at least hes not a fag, you know?

Wiggins Men are men, thats all. They all talk big, especially when theyre with other men.

Russell Sure. And let me point out we were electing a president, not a saint.

Allen Exactly. That sex stuff was just the press, trying to sell papers and bring him down while they were at it. Those guys were all for Hillary.

King OK, but suppose the shoe had been on the other foot, and the press had obtained a tape of Hillary talking like that?

Sparks They didnt.

Wiggins Also, its different for women. The um

Russell The perception.

Wiggins Right.

King I believe you have a daughter, Helen

Wiggins Thats right. Patricia. Patty. Shes the best thing in my life. Smart as well as pretty. Gets all As in school. You should see her book reports!

King What if it was her pussy Trump was talking about grabbing?

Wiggins Thats a filthy thing to say. Also stupid. My daughters only nine. Even the New York Times never said Trump goes for kiddies, and they lie about everything.

King Im just saying

Wiggins Well, dont. Save the dirty talk for your books.

King OK, lets move on to Trumps taxes. He wont reveal them.

Allen No law says he has to.

King What if hes hiding something?

Sparks Honey, were all hiding something. Although I will admit Id like to see what sort of fiddles hes using.

[General laughter.]

Barker Actually, I would, too. Hes got a lot of friends in big business, and they all care more about their money than anything else. Goes without saying. That stuff about how he was going to drain the swamp? I never believed it. They drain the swamp, everyone will see how many bodies theyve buried there.

Sparks Not to mention how much buried treasure.

Allen If he does a good job, fuck his tax returns.

Barker Cant argue with that.

Gagnon Besides, rich people dont have to pay like the rest of us, everyone knows that. They have lawyers and accountants to keep them on the right side of the law. They know all the loopholes. Its how the world works. Hes against Obamacare, thats the important thing. That takes more money out of poor peoples pockets than taxes. Its not like the Affordable Care Act. The Republicans did that, and its much better.

King It appeared that he made fun of a reporter with a physical disability shaking and stuttering. Any thoughts on that?

Russell Not relevant.

King It doesnt speak to character?

Russell Of course not. Dont be obtuse.

Allen It wasnt very nice, but the guy pissed him off. Sure, it was politically incorrect, but I thought it was, um

Sparks A breath of fresh air?

Allen Yes. It woke people up. None of the usual politician bullshit. Hannity isnt right about everything, but he sure was about that.

King This would be Sean Hannity, of Fox News?

Allen Correct.

King How many of you got most of your information on the candidates from Fox News?

[Allen, Russell and Sparks raise their hands.]

King What about you, Felicia?

Gagnon I watch Lester Holt. Also Good Morning America.

King Gary?

Barker I read USA Today. They have a little story about Indiana every day, and their sports coverage is terrific. The rest you have to take with a grain of salt, because the coverage was slanted toward Clinton.

Russell What wasnt slanted in the papers was made up of whole cloth. Fake news. The worst offender was the New York Slimes, and they wont let it go.

King I think weve about finished, but Id like to run one more thing by you before we break for lunch. Psychologists mention four basic traits when diagnosing a sociopathic condition known as narcissistic personality disorder. People suffering from this condition believe themselves superior to others, they insist on having the best of everything, they are egocentric and boastful, and they have a tendency to first select love objects, then find them at fault and push them aside. Comments?

[A long silence at the table.]

Russell Whats your point?

Gagnon Are you sure you cant get me on The Price Is Right?

Read more: http://bit.ly/2oP0Ro5

from Stephen King on Donald Trump: How do such men rise? First as a joke

[therachelperspective]

BOOK ⎟ YES PLEASE by Amy Poehler

Forgive me, Universe, for I have sinned. I have sinned by only just now realizing the brilliance that is Amy Poehler – as a comedienne, as a woman, as a human being.

As television’s comedic darling, Poehler has brought us so many hilarious moments; to list them all would be an entire post in itself. From Rachel McAdams’s "cool mom” in Mean Girls and her infinite number of bits as a regular on Saturday Night Live... to hosting the Golden Globes with Tina Fey, becoming the incomparable Leslie Knope on Parks & Recreation, and voicing Joy in Disney/Pixar’s Inside Out, she’s done it all and her range appeals to the masses. Trust me when I say I know I’m late to the Amy Poehler bandwagon. But better late than never, right?

Published in October 2014, Yes Please is (currently) Amy’s first and only book. A non-fiction piece that is equal parts memoir, scrapbook, a supply of advice – or as she says, “sometimes all three at once” – it’s safe to say this collection of personal essays really has no rhyme or reason. It is a conglomeration of stories from various moments in Amy’s life, assembled nonsequentially with equal parts quirky humor and genuine sincerity. While it has been called “messy” by other reviewers (and I’ll agree that it can feel that way), it does not detract from Amy and what she has to share with us. In fact, I would even say this messiness is representative of her nature. She does her own thing.

For starters, Yes Please is divided into three parts: “Say Whatever You Want,” “Do Whatever You Like,” and “Be Whoever You Are,” each marked with a very intriguing photo of Amy in costume, and is additionally scattered with various anecdotes on brightly colored page spreads. These statements themselves – like the hilariously accurate “Short people DO NOT like to be picked up” or guiding truths like “Forget the facts and remember the feelings” – provide insight into the duality of Amy Poehler, a duality I don’t think people always see. I feel as though so many only see her for her farcical demeanor on television. As someone who read her book having never watched her on SNL (save for the occasional bit), nor seen a single episode of Parks & Rec, I believe that reading her book first gave me a greater appreciation for who she really is as a person, without any preconception of her or her personas in my head. I recognized the inspirational woman she truly is without envisioning her dressed as Hillary Clinton. Sure, I will admit that I didn’t get a lot of the references that her die-hard fans would have, but I think this reversed methodology helps make tackling her filmography much more streamlined; what she deems important enough to discuss in her novel (which, as such, is probably her best work) gives me a good place to start. Notes for later. 👌🏼

It’s when you look past the kookiness, however, that you realize just how much Amy Poehler is Mama Bear to her fans and truly cares about the well being of the world. If you knew it before, it becomes so much more apparent when you read Yes Please. 

Although nuggets of wisdom are spread throughout the book amidst the silly re-tellings of memorable career moments, there are complete chapters on the important stuff. While I loved the ones about dealing with personal demons and the multiple passages touching on the sexism and misogyny she herself has experienced, a chapter that gets the most attention – some even calling it required reading – is one entitled “Treating Your Career Like a Bad Boyfriend.” In it, Amy recalls a time when a man on a train gives her a script (or more accurately, tosses it on her table as she sleeps while he’s heading out the door) and how she hates this aspect of her fame. You know, the one when people assume that just because she’s famous and recognized that she can help skyrocket them to a similar celebrity. Amy goes on to remind everyone that most people instead become “famous” or get “great jobs” after years and years of “shoveling shit.” 

After then comparing a career to a bad boyfriend – “[It] won’t take care of you... [It] will openly flirt with other people while you are around... [It] will never marry you” – and a little reminder of the difference between creativity and career, it then also becomes an in-depth lesson on ambivalence. 

It is often engrained in us to be overzealous about our careers. Poll: how often have you heard tales of your parents “pounding the pavement”? Times have changed where this and follow up phone calls are not proper anymore, but the concept is still there. So to have someone spend a whole chapter saying “DON’T CARE SO MUCH” and to instead harbor your creativity and passions... I have never loved Amy Poehler more than I have in that moment. Not because I lack motivation, but because life is more than just your career. 

Also, a favorite passage from this chapter includes this epic truth: “Plenty of talented people don’t have the careers they want. Plenty of untalented people make millions and make movies.”  

Of my copious notes taken throughout Yes Please, many are similarly glorious sentiments about careers and about life. In the three years she lived in Chicago, Amy learned that, even if it was in regards to herself as a person, she could decide who she was; “my only job was to surround myself with people who respected and supported that choice.” Or during her 20 years with the Upright Citizens Brigade, she was “proud of the fact that [they] never made money [their] motivating factor.” Even the statement that it wasn’t until she turned 30 that she “started to feel like [her] adult life was beginning” is strangely comforting. Because of all the rules we are supposed to follow and the time frames instilled upon us (like, I will scream if someone mentions biological clocks), these passages and so much more from Yes Please remind us of some important facts: that nothing is set in stone, that we do in fact run our own lives, that each of us does things differently, and likewise we each are allowed to do things at different times... if we even do them at all. 

And that brings me to the element of Amy Poehler’s book that encouraged me most to read it in the first place: the inherent feminism. After finishing a very bigot-centric Travels by Michael Crichton (and dare I say, also as a result of the campaigns of the 2016 presidential election), I knew that reading something by a woman, with women-focused principles and encouragement, was incredibly needed to build my morale back up.

Early on in Yes Please, Amy introduces the phrase “Good for her! Not for me.” I’m honestly struggling with the words to stress how important this phrase really is. From a young age, we as women have instilled roles (read: stereotypes) to follow – being purely feminine; becoming mothers and staying home to raise children; that “women belong in the kitchen” mentality. It is something we as ladies have outgrown in modern society, but the shame and “women-to-women crime” (not to mention wage gaps and the like) unfortunately still remains; there is a whole chapter about it in Yes Please. What “Good for her! Not for me” really portrays, at least in my interpretation, is the belief involving women choosing their roles and doing so without feeling bad about it. For example, when it comes to motherhood, Amy Poehler is a working mother who has had nannies help raise her two boys. THAT IS OKAY. My own mother became a stay-at-home mother for the years it took to raise my brother and me, but then started going back to work once we were teenagers. THAT IS OKAY TOO. Even my own beliefs; I have no desire nor feel any rush to get married or have children, and that is perfectly fine. “Good for her! Not for me,” in all honesty, is one of my new mantras. 

The womanly wisdom doesn’t end there.

Just as we’ve heard before from Tina Fey – because it is truly impossible to go a whole conversation about Amy Poehler without mentioning Tina Fey – a later chapter of Yes Please makes mention of the term "bossy women.” Because Amy, too, loves bossy women. She believes they are the women who should be sought out and celebrated; she acknowledges that “’bossy’ can seem like a shitty way to describe a woman with a determined point of view” and that a bossy woman is “someone who cares and commits and is a natural leader.” Amy even openly calls herself bossy. Tina and Amy, both together and separately, have helped lead the movement to remove the negative connotations of the term “bossy” and turn it instead into something empowering. Amy also founded “Smart Girls at the Party” (also known as “Amy Poehler’s Smart Girls”) with friend/producer Meredith Walker that is dedicated to helping young people “cultivate their authentic selves.” There’s no doubt that teaching young women about the connotations of “bossy” is part of that cultivation. If you still don’t believe in the “bossy lady”, see also Bossypants by Tina Fey and #GIRLBOSS by Sophia Amoruso. 

Then there’s Amy’s friendship with Tina, period. Tina is often referred to in Yes Please (and just in general, really) as Amy’s “life partner.” Friends since their improv years – that’s over 20 years, guys – Amy credits Tina as the person who makes her feel like she can do anything. As Amy says in Yes Please, “All it takes is for Tina to say ‘We can do this, right?’ and I suddenly feel like I can jump off a bridge.” Amy and Tina have that relationship everyone literally wishes they had with someone. A look at those two reminds us of the importance of friendship, or more accurately, female companionship.

The truth is, the more I go over my notes about it, the more I grasp just how many vital points Amy Poehler makes in her book amidst the tales of life and comedy. I mean, to round it all off, let me just add that Amy also actively works with the Worldwide Orphans Foundation. Do I dare say that this woman is a saint? Or at least a godsend for the women and children of the world?

Often while reading Yes Please, I felt like Amy was a good friend of mine that had written a long, detailed letter to me about how her life has been so far and what she’s learned from it. Realistically – though we all wish we could call Amy a friend – her words were that of a mentor, telling her readers about working hard, following your passions, the candor of being a woman in today’s society, that no one can do it alone nor do you have to, and...

“The only thing we can depend on in life is that everything changes.” 

Amy Poehler is an comedienne, actress, producer, director, voice artist, and writer. She is an incredible humanitarian, including her work with the Worldwide Orphans and her own foundation, Amy Poehler’s Smart Girls. Amy Poehler is often linked to Tina Fey.  Yes Please by Amy Poehler Dey Street (Harper Collins) | October 2014 | 329 pages MY RATING: ★ ★ ★ ★ ✩ Amy writes a lot like I do, with dashes of humor mixed in, so I could already identify with her. And a lot of people didn’t like that she kept saying that writing is hard... It took me three days to write this review; I DEFINITELY RELATE to what Amy has to say about writing. Non-writers, go away!

She is obviously funny in her writing, but not slapstick like people perceive her to be from SNL. She is a great down-to-earth person and Parks & Rec is officially on my to-watch list. Also, major kudos on the paper quality of the hardcover edition. 

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Armando Iannucci on Donald Trump: ‘This is the best moment, isn’t it?’

An open letter to the new president, from the creator of Veep and The Thick of It

Even when silent, you sound loud. You are, in fact, an avalanche of contradictions: real and unreal, scary yet amusing, fact and fiction rolled into one like a little rubber Mount Rushmore blown up to actual size by the use of helium. You confuse us. We want to laugh at your stumbles, but are petrified by what those stumbles may lead to. You are the worst person ever; and yet not as bad as Mike Pence.

But you do have a definite sense of purpose. While Hillary Clinton hedged and played the game, you said it straight. Youve been very clear: deport, build, repeal, replace. Everywhere you go, you shatter ossified politics. You slice through frozen convention like an icebreaker: set on a steady forward direction, leaving a stinking slick of oil and dead fish parts in its wake.

It was worth it, though, because of where you are now. This is the best moment, isnt it? Just as youve taken the oath of office, but still not worn down by that office. Frozen in your moment of history. All those doubters, the mewling enemies and haters, are silenced now: you are the 45th president of the US. Thats a fact. Its true.

They used to tease you about your attitude to the truth, didnt they? All your post-reality fictoid-facts, like how global warming was a myth invented by the Chinese, how you respected all women without exception, except the greedy, grasping, ugly ones who were trying to suck you dry, how Obama wasnt born in America, and also how you put everyone right when you said he was.

And that rigged election: you had evidence the election was rigged against you and you were going to lose, and then, when you won it fair and square, you had proof you would have won it even more fairly and squarely had it not been rigged against you so you couldnt win so bigly. And now they say the Russians rigged the election, and you say the election wasnt rigged, it was never rigged, and youve been saying for months: it was never rigged.

Some screwball no-mark in some pointless department will end up saying the wrong thing about China. Photograph: Andrew Harnik/AP

Yes, you were mocked nightly by damp-souled liberals who joked you couldnt tell fact from fantasy. Well, guess what? If you now tweeted, I am the 45th president of the United States, not a single person would doubt you. Because its true. Youre the president. Fact! No scientist, no economist, no so-called expert can call you out. You are literally the most important man on Earth, in the solar system, maybe even the galaxy. Right now, everything in the universe revolves around you.

But then comes the hard bit. The bit after this week. The rest of the presidency. Thats the bit others say cant be controlled. Something will go wrong. Some screwball no-mark in some pointless department will answer a letter to an elector, and end up saying the wrong thing about China, or single moms, or car manufacturers, or dyslexia, thinking that theyre echoing your opinion. Then your enemies will report it, and then people will think it came from you. Then your press secretary will deny thats what you meant and blame the no-mark, and name her. Then the no-mark will complain about sexism or bullying or some such artificial crime. Then youll act big, go against expectations, and apologise to that person.

Then some other people, your enemies, will imply youre a pussy. Your staff who attacked her and defended you, will express annoyance that you are contradicting what theyre saying. Then the person you apologised to, well, shell get arrogant and say how upset she was by what happened, and then youll have to tweet what she was really like when you met her, how annoying she was, how shes just looking for a bigger job and a TV contract, and how youre going to ask Congress to look into that department she works for and find out whats going on.

But, even then, it wont go away, and therell be maybe a hundred other little, stupid stories like that which will never leave you alone, all because other people are fools and losers. And so one night, youll tweet something bad about China and single moms and car manufacturers and dyslexics, all in one tweet, and the whole cycle will start all over again, and take up so much time, itll look like that wall will never get built.

And so, for the next four years, youll try to do stuff. With luck, the next eight years. (If your plan comes right, the next 12, even 16 years, too.) But this crap will keep coming up, wont it? This not-smart, so-overrated nonsense from the false media, determined to undermine you. Theyll say youre mishandling foreign affairs, causing conflict and hardship, arousing enmity, bitterness and division. Its all designed to make people not like you, isnt it? But you can get round that. You will tell people, again and again, that they do like you. That everything else theyve heard isnt true. And it will work. It always works.

If a war breaks out, isnt it more efficient to persuade people that it isnt happening? Photograph: John Gurzinski/AFP/Getty Images

You will explain that the things that come from your mouth are not necessarily the things that come from your heart. You will remind people that things are true not when they are real but when you believe them. You will urge the media to concentrate on covering peoples fears and feelings, rather than the dull objects and information that clutter up their potentially beautiful lives.

Why dont crime reporters report that people feel a bit funny about Mexicans? Why dont economists measure how freaked out people are about what might happen to their jobs one day, especially if your enemies were in charge? Why dont the weather people point out, at the end of the show, just how everyone is feeling so much better because of the work youre doing, and how thats making them cope with whatever rain or cloud comes their way? Why dont newscasters show the graphs that prove that anyone who fires a gun in America might well be a Muslim?

Of course, the liberal media will have fun, wont they, doing their little crazy skits about how theres no need for reporters any more because we just have to say whatever it is we think sounds true. Over now to our Chief-Bad-Feeling-About-China correspondent; We join our crime correspondent live outside the home of a suspicious couple new to the neighbourhood who keep themselves to themselves; And thats all weve got time for. Join us tomorrow night at seven for another edition of What The Hells Going On? Unfunny. You havent seen these skits (they havent been written), but theyre just so lame, arent they?

No, how you govern will be so special, and so different from that pathetic portrayal. Youre going to bring into your administration a whole heap of talented people who will oversee a climate change in the way facts are considered. You will bring in financial experts who will reassure everyone that, no matter what the markets say, everyone is, in fact, fine. You will bring in law experts who will prove categorically that anyone who feels their civil liberties are being infringed are themselves infringing the civil liberties of the vast majority who voted to change them. And, above all, you will persuade everyone, especially those who tell you that you polled nearly three million votes fewer than Hillary, that you do have a mandate since you believe you do, and it feels like the vast majority of people believe you do, too. And thats evidence no money can buy.

Thats how you will govern. Properly, effectively. Why, if the economy goes bad, or promised laws arent passed, or a war breaks out, why spend time and money and precious energy dealing with those things? Isnt it more efficient to persuade people that they arent happening? Think what money that would save, putting dollars back in the pocket of every American. You will do a deal with the American people, a great big beautiful deal, the ultimate deal, and they will absolutely love it. What youve done is started a revolution, a movement. Youve taught people to believe not what is empirically true but what is emotionally true, which is a better truth. Youve set free the credulity of the people.

So here is another undeniable fact. Soon the consequences of what you are doing will spread throughout the world. And, once done, they cant be undone. Yes, you will be remembered for a very, very long time. Fact.

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from Armando Iannucci on Donald Trump: ‘This is the best moment, isn’t it?’