#the ways we are touched by others and can never truly know how deeply it runs

[halfgirl-halfdolll]

Self-indulgent again, also very much a vent. For the girlies who don't wanna be moms, not even in fictional settings, who kinda need some representation. Tw: angst with (almost) no comfort and self-deprecation.

You don't want kids.

You have nothing against them, really. You even like most children, think they're cute and all, but it's just not for you. You have never liked baby dolls, nor have you ever dreamed of motherhood; never had that tug of maternal instinct that most women your age felt.

And for a long time, you felt wrong. It was yet another broken part of you that you couldn't possibly fix, and that alienated you from your peers. You still feel wrong. An annoying, loud part of you still thinks you're broken, but what can you do?

You scroll through your instagram feed, seeing post after post of old classmates either with a big, round belly or with a little bundle in the arms, all bright smiles and hands entertwined and hugs.

And you think maybe you ARE doing things wrong. Maybe you were supposed to do that too. Try to conform to what everyone apparently thinks you should do, push through and endure something you know you weren't built for – maybe it'd fill the hole inside your gut, who knows?

Then you hear a baby cry – a soldier's wife was visiting with their kid – and you lose your breath, quickly approaching a meltdown as you feel your hackles raise despite how much you think it's wrong to feel this way.

You lock yourself into the nearest room.

Truly, you don't mind children. In fact, you respect them so much you know they deserve someone who has maternal instincts, and you know that you're not that someone. Not when you fucking derail at the sound of a kid crying.

"What's wrong, love?" Your eyes focus and you finally realize that you had entered Price's office without realizing. Probably your subconscious seeking the comfort of his presence.

"... Nothing." You lie, breathing deeply and waddling your way to one of his couches. The other men observe your movements with the some focus of a scientist finding a jumpy animal in the wild. Simon gets up to give you his seat on the couch.

"Yer pale as a sheet, lass. What happened? Saw a bug on yer way here?" Soap says playfully, as he scoots closer to you, wrapping an arm around your shoulder and anchoring you back to reality.

You huff out a sad, tired laugh and shake your head. You feel the familiar pressure build up behind your eyes and your throat constricts, but you close your eyes and keep breathing deeply, willing the tears away.

A few moments pass of you trying to keep your emotions at bay while the men silently watch you, patiently waiting for you to open up in your terms.

"Do you think I'm broken?" You finally whisper and Ghost is kneeling right beside your seat in the blink of an eye, a strong hand squeezing your knee.

"Why would we ever think that, love?" Kyle asks as he sits on the ground and swiftly takes off your shoes, massaging your feet.

You clear your throat, trying to ground yourself through the feeling of Soap, Ghost and Gaz touching you, all while Price stands to the side. The comforting woodsy scent of their colognes envelops you like a cocoon, but it doesn't stop you from thinking.

It is during moments like this that you can feel your heart breaking – remembering how much you ended up loving them and how much you don't deserve them at the same time.

Your mind flashes back to late nights at some hole-in-the-wall bar, all four of them in different stages of drunkenness, talking about distant dreams they have – a family. Kids running through the house. You'd usually smile and keep quiet, knowing you were drunk as well; at the danger of making some self-deprecating comment you were sure they wouldn't appreciate.

It's good, how things have to be nipped at the bud, you think. It's best to have your fantasies ruined than indulge in them and then hurt yourself later on.

You look at Johnny, a sorrowful smile on your face as he raised his eyebrows in concern. He'll be a great father, you're sure of it. All of them will. It's just sad that you will never be the one to fulfill their fatherhood dreams. You can't disrespect their dreams out of selfishness. You can't disrespect a child just because you were too greedy to breath the same air as those men.

Your breathing slows down, emptiness burrowing its roots deep inside the painful muscles of your heart and your gut.

If you're going to be miserable either way, you'd always choose the option in which you would never drag any of them down with you.

"Forget I said anything." You squeeze Simon's hand, still firmly clutching your thigh. "I'm just having a bad day. I'll feel better soon."

You lean forward, gently removing Kyle's hands from your feet, and put your shoes back on. You get up, still feeling like there's a scream stuck in your throat – something fierce inside of you that begs to be loved without needing to create life; something desperate, that wonders if anyone would want to stay with you without a child to tie them down.

Oh god, are you going to die alone?

You clear your throat as you get up before images of the 141 with other women begin flooding your mind. That would have to wait till nighttime. You could cry freely then.

You force a tight-lipped smile and nod your head at Price. He subtly narrows his eyes.

"Sorry I barged through your door with my nonsense, Captain. I'll be taking my leave now."

Price crosses his arms and watches you leave, steps slow and deliberate as if you were hanging by the thinnest thread. He's very aware of the eyes of his men boring through his head, egging him on to do something, say something. Isn't he the Captain, after all?

"Love." Price calls out for you as you open the door. You look at him with watery eyes and reddened lips. No matter how much you tried to hide how awful you felt, you always wore your emotions on your expressions.

"You're not broken." He murmurs and your eyebrows twitch. "No matter what hurts you. We would never think you're broken."

You bite your tongue, holding back any bitter protest of his words. Instead, you smile.

"Thanks, Cap. I do hope so." You say as you step outside and close the door before any of them could try to retort. You can't discuss anything right now. Not when your mind is yelling silently, desperately begging for acceptance of you as you are.

Most times, you just hate yourself too much and too loudly to be able to notice how they would never care about the choices you have made for yourself and your life, as long as you could stay inside their arms; as long as you could be their girl.

[natalievoncatte]

“What if we don’t go back yet?”

It was a peculiar question that Lena asked, but a compelling one. She was currently lying with Kara, or rather *on* Kara, after the Kryptonian caught her once again. Kara had slipped under as she fell and cushioned the fall with her invulnerable body, and they currently lay in the wreckage of a sailboat along the docks, the ruined and smashed vessel bobbing gently in the ocean.

“What do you mean?”

“Alex and the crew can get the guy,” said Lena.

She was referring to the second-rate wannabe villain that had tossed Lena off the roof as a ploy to distract Supergirl and cover his escape. It had worked, of course, with Kara abandoning her manhunt to catch Lena. As she always did. That was apparently why he kidnapped her in the first place instead of, who knows, maybe robbing banks in a town without a superhero.

It didn’t seem to matter much now. Kara was warm and had wrapped them both up in her cape, and Lena’s head lay pillowed on her shoulder. Kara curled around her, breathing gently into the crown of her head.

“Why wouldn’t we go back?”

“I’m tired,” Lena murmured, giving the words more truth than she meant to. She was tired, so tired. She could sleep for a thousand years here, lying with Kara.

This always went the same way. Kara would bear her to safety like a knight in shining armor and set her down and then she’d step back.

The contact would end.

It’s not like they never touched- they hugged and kissed each other on the cheek even, and Lena secretly treasured that, but it wasn’t enough. It was different when Kara rescued her.

If physical touch was Kara’s love language, the way she held Lena after a rescue was a kind of Freudian slip. These embraces were more, just more in a profound, indescribable way.

She was always so tender, after. She would sweep the hair from Lena’s eyes and just touch her for the sake of it, running the pad of her thumb along Lena’s jawline or hugging her extra tight, extra close, fearful and yet utterly fearless.

Much as she was holding Lena now.

“I know,” Kara whispered.

She did know. If there was anyone truly in tune with her needs, it was Kara. Kara cared, so fully, so deeply, so recklessly that Lena could barely understand it, and scarcely believe it.

“I want to stay here with you.”

Kara tensed slightly, throat bobbing as she swallows and her breath caught.

“What I want more than anything is just time to be us,” Lena said, very softly. “You and me. No company, no DEO, no adventures, no crises. I could just lay with you here forever.”

Kara was quiet, gently working her fingers through Lena’s hair.

“I’ve thought about things like that.”

“What sort of things?”

She was quiet for too long a beat, then said, “just us being us, alone. No game night, no movie night, no brunch, no Noonan’s, just this. Just you and me and… and relaxing.”

“Cuddling, you mean.”

Kara shifted herself, gave Lena a little squeeze.

“I don’t want to go either. I don’t want to let go of you.”

Lena opened her eyes and looked at Kara, at her golden hair fanned out around her head and her questioning blue eyes.

“So don’t.”

Gently, carefully, Lena freed an arm and rested a palm against Kara’s cheek. Her skin was always so warm, so lusciously soft. Kara was watching her intently, eyes searching.

“I think it’s customary, after the brave her saves the girl, that the hero gets a kiss.”

Kara tensed, clearly nervous. It was the most adorable thing Lena had ever seen.

She kissed her.

Kara was stone still at first, barely responding, then something seemed to awaken in her and she kissed Lena back, intensely. Lena was a little shocked at the sudden way Kara almost seemed to lunge into her, how her hands suddenly moved and she took Lena by the hips.

It was amazing. Her heart fluttered and her head was swinging and she felt a cold shock-

“Kara! The boat is sinking!”

With the most annoyed sigh, Kara stood and lifted Lena into a bridal carry. Water was gurgling up around them.

“Alex is going to kill me,” said Kara.

“Alex can wait,” said Lena. “Take me home.”

[elysiansparadise]

Using Saturn harmonious aspects in the composite chart

Although Saturn tells us about possible obstacles and limits, if we use the positive qualities of the planet, that is, effort, dedication and perseverance, we can experience the more lighter sides of Saturn. Likewise, the positive aspects can help weigh the effects by providing greater stability to the relationship.

With this post I intend to talk in more detail about how the positive aspects that other planets make with Saturn in the composite chart can help us with the tensions of Saturn, whether due to position or tense aspects.

🩶When we talk about the aspects between Saturn-Sun we find a fairly stable relationship, despite possible internal and external obstacles. There is a strong sense of responsibility towards each other and a genuine desire to do things right in the relationship. Both parties are willing to commit to the other and will forge in them the desire to build a relationship where both feel calm, supported and respected. They will always try to give priority to the other in their lives, they will admire each other and will stand out for being a strong couple. They will never seek to control the other and will always take them into account.

🩶With harmonious aspects between Saturn-Moon, emotions will be stable and long-lasting between them. They will work to make the relationship something genuinely comfortable for the other and will seek to cover or at least understand the emotional needs of the other. There will be a natural inclination to want to give each other a lot of happiness and comfort, they will support each other deeply and seek to be there for each other both physically and emotionally. They will never seek to upset the other or provoke tense emotions for fun, there will be a deep respect for the other's emotions and their limits.

🩶The aspects between Mercury-Saturn mean that this couple can talk about any topic, no matter how heavy it may be. They will not be afraid to touch on harsh or tense topics, and they will always listen to each other attentively. They will dislike talking over others, they will express themselves clearly and have clear priorities. The conversations between them can be deep, meaningful and very insightful, both will teach each other a lot and can be a great advisor to the other. Mutual admiration for intelligence, way of thinking or way of carrying oneself.

🩶Venus-Saturn harmonious aspects make the relationship something loving, full of attention and genuine affection for the other. This couple will be constant with their displays of affection and reaffirmations of their love. They will take time to get to know each other and love each other more and more in the process. A sincere, honest love in which they will want to give the best of themselves. There will be a strong commitment to love only the other in a deep, dedicated and unshakeable way. They will have a healthy relationship where they will see the most realistic sides of the relationship and truly feel the support and affection of their partner.

🩶Saturn-Mars aspects make this couple the true definition of a team, they will never seek to beat the other, nor see who is superior, rather they will appreciate and praise each other's abilities and potential. They will fight to get what they want like a power couple, there will be a lot of encouragement and they will motivate the other to be ambitious and go after what they want. They will be decisive in pursuing the other, their love and focus on the relationship will not waver whatever the situation or face whatever issues there may be. They will be rational, avoiding unnecessary conflicts and looking for solutions rather than blame.

🩶There will be a genuine desire to contribute positively to each other's lives with Jupiter-Saturn aspects. They will never want to be a headache or another bad experience for the other, they will want to carry out the relationship in a calm way in which both feel confident that they made the right choice being by each other's side. A lot of support and growth together, you will love to see how the other progresses whether on your own or holding your hand. There is a strong sense of responsibility between them and a lot of maturity. This relationship will be very healthy and they will be realistic with each other, without expecting the other to be what they want but loving them deeply for being who they are.

🩶If the couple has harmonious aspects between Uranus-Saturn, they will be able to face any kind of change with ease, even if it is difficult for one of the parties or both, they will show understanding and support for the other. They will have a lot of resilience and regardless of the external chaos, they will know that they can count on each other and their mutual dedication. Both will adapt more easily to each other, even if they are very different. They will contribute a lot to each other's lives and can bring both a certain order and stability as well as fun and new experiences, being receptive to both.

🩶With Neptune-Saturn aspects there is a strong devotion in both, as well as a healthy degree of compassion avoiding falling into victimization of the other. There is a strong need to support each other in every way, especially in wanting the other to be able to fulfill everything they dream or long for. They feel satisfaction and fulfillment when they see a genuine smile on each other's faces. Strong connection endowed with empathy and genuine affection. They show each other that reality can be beautiful and pleasant for the other, that they can relax and trust. It is a relationship as loving as it is stable.

🩶When Pluto makes harmonious aspects with Saturn, the couple can find it easy to find a balance, trusting each other and avoiding destructive power games. Both focus on building a solid relationship in which they feel supported. They never leave each other alone no matter what adversity they face and they make each other feel capable of dealing with everything. This couple will constantly work on improving themselves and will constantly appreciate each other's efforts. An unbreakable couple that did not hesitate to stand up for each other. They will bring very positive changes and you will feel like better people next to each other.

🩶When it comes to the Pallas-Saturn aspects we find a couple with excellent abilities to resolve their problems and issues that may arise. They will like to plan many things, whether in the short or long term, and they will give their all to fulfill the things they promise. They will be sensible with each other, they will seek to understand each other before giving their opinion or acting and they will never try to judge each other. They will be very direct and honest with each other, they will appreciate that their partner says what they think freely. Both will be a strong team that will always make decisions considering the other.

🩶The aspects between Ceres-Saturn make the couple very giving and attentive to the other, they will give each other attention, they will have meaningful gestures with the other and they will want the other to have tangible demonstrations of their affection and how important they are in the life of the other. This couple feels committed to caring for each other and consistently providing emotional and physical support. They will care about the well-being of others in all areas, and will prioritize it before anything else. When the day is tense, they know that they can take refuge in each other for understanding and tenderness.

🩶Juno, beyond talking to us about marriage and love, tells us about something very important: commitment, a word that Saturn loves. Both of you, whether in the early stages of the relationship or not, will know that this person is worth it. They will strive to make things work, coming to see the other as someone with whom they would like to have a life together. The Juno-Saturn harmonious aspects make both take the relationship seriously, do not seek to play with each other or their emotions and seek to form a very stable bond through emotional and material acts. There is a very strong loyalty towards each other and what they have formed together, they would not change the relationship for anything.

🩶When we talk about strong levels of devotion it is necessary to appreciate the aspects between Vesta-Saturn. Both will be deeply devoted, loyal and giving in the relationship, making great efforts to ensure that warmth, passion and commitment are evident between both of them. There is a deep affection that goes beyond the physical, the other is a source of strength, inspiration and seems to awaken an unusual spark. Willingness to give a lot for the other in an equitable way, to put the relationship at the top of priorities and to give so much time and energy without complaining or without hesitation.

🩶Chiron-Saturn aspects make the couple be understanding and patient with each other, they will never force themselves to do things they don't want to do and they will try to understand where the other's wounds come from so as not to repeat them or trigger them. There is a strong ideal of not wanting to harm others anymore and provide strength, as well as accompanying each other in the healing process. They both work together to build a stronger, healthier relationship through understanding their mutual wounds or insecurities. They feel stronger emotionally with each other and fully trust that the other will never intend to harm them.

🩶With the harmonious aspects between Saturn-North Node, this couple sees their purpose together clearly. There will be a strong focus on creating and maintaining stability in the relationship, you will both plan for the long term and be able to be together for a long time. There are bases of trust, reliability and a dedication towards the other and the relationship. By being with the other, they know what they want, there is conviction, they perceive themselves as something that is valuable to pursue and they trust that at their side they have a partner with the same dedication to the relationship. 

[starkeynation]

I love you, I’m sorry

A letter from reader to Rafe

Content: Angst, like PURE sad, the lamp looks weird, based on the song I love you, I’m sorry by Gracie Abrams (may or may not be accurate)

A/N: about that cliffhanger and happy ending, I changed my mind… also ignore any writing mistakes if there’s any and this was kinda rushed so I hope it still turns out good

Masterlist

dividers from @anitalenia

Rafe,

It is Saturday night. I should be out doing something, partying or whatever to enjoy myself, yet here i am, pen in hand, finding myself writing to you again. I know this letter will never reach you- it’ll end up crumpled at the bottom of my drawer or burned to ashes. Still, I can’t seem to stop myself.

It has been exactly two august ago since everything fell apart. I remember the way I laid it all out, raw, I wanted to be real, hoping that honesty would mend us. We weren’t perfect. Hell, we were far from it. We fought like fire and gasoline, burning everything we touched. Jealousy leads us to mistrust each other but even then, I didn’t think it would end the way it did. I never thought that fight would be the last..the final, devastating blow before you ghosted me and blocked me everywhere.

I swear it wasn’t my intention to break up with you, I thought by exposing the cracks, we could patch them together. Instead, the truth just ended up pushing you away. When you drove off in your Benz and left me standing at my gate, it felt like everything had stopped. The time, the world, my heart…everything froze. I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to scream, I wanted to stop you, beg you to stay, to tell you that we could still save us but you didn’t look back, and i was too late.

Now, i watch you from a distance as you become successful, helping your dad doing business, running Cameron’s development like you were born to do it. I heard your name whispered in admiration at the club where I work, how you charm people the way you trained for. And you know what? I’m so so proud of you Rafe. I always knew you had it in you. I’ll be rooting for you always, even from the shadows.

Maybe two summers from now we’ll be talking again at some point, exchange smiles, our lives untangled and we’re cool again. I can picture you’ll be in your family’s jet, travelling, and me, on my boat moving on with our own lives. By then, i hope..im actually ready to move on. I know you’ve already moved on- I mean, why wouldn’t you? Still, there’s part of me wish that you wouldn’t yet, and maybe, just maybe, you would take me back.

But that’s just selfish isn’t it? I was selfish when we were together too. I made everything about me, i was inconsiderate, I turn something small into raging battles. I didn’t listen, didn’t see you for who you were. I’m ashamed of the person I was, of the mistakes I made. After everything i did, I’m surprised you haven’t send someone to kill me yet.

Lately I find myself sitting on the porch, watching sunsets like we used to, with a glass of something strong in my hand. I laugh at myself, at the crash I made, because what else can I do? It’s a twisted kind of coping—laughing at my own heartbreak. It doesn’t feel real and it’s really hard to let go but i guess that’s just the way life goes.

I know i was a dick, Rafe. I had too many flaws to count but as sick as it sounds, I loved you first. You’ll always be my first love. You were the best and the worst thing that ever happened to me, a storm that left me shattered but alive. Your love had impact me deeply, it is carved in my soul. No matter where we are, i want you to know that I’ll carry the past and the weight of my mistakes with me. Trust me, it will always, haunt me.

I regret every second for not treating you well, for not being the person you needed. Lastly, i want you to know that I still, truly, deeply, love you, I’m sorry.

*Ding* you heard the bell rings. You rush downstairs to answer the door.

“Pizza delivery”, says the delivery boy standing in front of you. You almost forgot you ordered one, an hour ago. You take your prepaid alfredo chicken pizza and thank him. It was Rafe’s favourite pizza, you’re not sure if it’s still his favourite though. After shutting the door, you walk to your kitchen.

Just two seconds later, *ding* the bell rings again. Did the delivery boy forget anything? You thought.

You open the door, “yes-“ you pause. You couldn’t believe it, standing right in front of you,

“Topper?”

“Topper what are you doing here?” you ask, your voice laced with confusion.

He then steps aside and reveals a man behind him, lying on the steps of your porch- a man whose silhouette you’d recognize anywhere. “Rafe,” you whisper.

“Shit I’m sorry to bother you but this dumbass got into an accident for driving while he’s high,” Topper blurts out, panickly.

Your brow furrowing and your confusion deepens. You walk closer to Rafe and spot the blood dripping from his head, “Accident? What? Then why do you bring him here instead of the hospital?” You ask, your voice sharp, slicing through the chaos of the moment.

“He won’t let me. He insisted I bring him here to see you,” Topper explains.

“Y/n,” Rafe speaks up, his voice low and strained.

Your heart skips a beat. It’s like the universe has stopped spinning again. This is the first time you hear him calling your name after two whole years.

“Hey Rafe, you’re bleeding,” you say, your voice mix with feelings.

“I’m fine,” he says, giving a soft, disarming smile while trying to sit up.

You instruct Topper to go find some cloth to stop the bleeding. As he dissapears, you sit on your knees facing to Rafe, “Rafe, what happened? Why are you here?” you ask, still have no clue of what’s going on here.

“I wanted to see you,” he replies, putting on that damn smile again, the one that’s always managed to unravel you. “I miss you, y/n.”

Your face goes pale, your eyes widens, the words hang in the hair, heavy and unexpected. “Rafe, you’re drunk,” you accuse, trying to make sense of what’s happening right now.

“No, I’m not, i swear I’m very conscious right now,” he insists, his voice firm. You’re still not sure if he’s telling the truth or not. “I really miss you, y/n,” he continues, his voice low but still clear for you to hear it.

Your heart aches, torn between disbelief and the undeniable pull of his words. “How hard did you hit your head? God, you’re still bleeding. We need to see a doctor,” you say, trying to stand up, but he grabs your hand, pulling you back down.

“Stop it, I’m fine i swear…this is nothing,” he says waving off the concern. Just then, Topper returns with a towel in his hand. He hands the towel to you and says, “dude, are you sure you’re okay? When i saw your car there were smokes everywhere. Looks like you hit that tree pretty hard,” his voice fill with concern.

“I’m fine Top, just go. I need to talk to y/n,” Rafe says with a dismissive wave. Topper hesitates, he looks at you for confirmation as if you’re the one in charge here. You nod at him, signalling an approval, “s’okay Top i can handle this.”

“Okay, just call me if anything happens,” he says. “Thank you,” you mutter softly to Topper as he’s leaving towards his car.

With Topper gone, you shift your focus back to Rafe. You take the towel and start dabbing on the blood on his forehead, “we still need to get this stitched up,” you say. Rafe then grabs your wrist, his grip firm but not forceful, “look at me,” he demands.

You look at him straight in the eyes, drowning in his blue eyes. It’s overwhelming- staring at the man that you love but no longer yours.

“I do mean what i said, i miss you y/n and i wanted to see you,” he says, his tone steady and sure.

“But why now?” You ask, your voice breaking under the weight of the question.

“Sar..Sarah told me tonight that you’ve been writing letters about me. She found them stashed under your bed,” he says, hesitantly.

Your stomach drops and you shake your head in disbelief, “God…i knew it there was something wrong. She was acting so weird when she left this morning,” you mutter.

“So it’s true? You’ve been writing about me?”

Your face is turning red, you’re struggling to find the words. “I- yes…I’ve been writing letters. Pretending like I’m gonna send it to you but i never do,” you stutter.

“Why didn’t you just send them?” He presses, his voice low, almost pleading.

“You know why Rafe…you’ve moved on. You blocked me few months after we broke up. You’re thriving now with your job, you got your whole life together, and I- I was the reason why we broke up. I can’t just crawl my way back into your life like nothing happened,” you shatter, your voice breaking as you’re struggling to control your tears.

Rafe shakes his head. He brushes his thumb over your knuckles and kisses it. “You’re wrong y/n, you’re absolutely wrong. I’ve been doing nothing over the past two years except than trying to forget about you. That’s why I’ve been doing all these jobs, thinking it could distract me, but no,” he shakes his head again. “Nothing could make me stop thinking about you.”

His confession leaves you breathless, your tears streaming down your face as he continues. “About the blocking and disappearing, I’m really sorry, I was a coward. The truth is, that day i came to your house to apologize. Then, as I stood outside, i saw you were laughing with jj through your window. I knew you guys were not together cause after jj left, I may or may not have confronted him…” he then mouthed sorry. “But then, I remember the way you looked so happy when you’re with him. At that time, I knew I had to let you go cause you deserve someone better and you deserve to be happy so that’s why I blocked you..as if that makes any difference.”

You idiot,” you scoff. “I never wanted anyone else, only you Rafe, only you. You’re the only one who could truly make me happy.”

His eyes glisten, his smile soft and hesitant. “Please forgive me y/n, I swear I’m a better person now and I love- I love you, so much. I still do.”

You reach up, caress his cheek and pull him in for a kiss. “I love you too Rafe,” you whisper. He cups your face and returns the kiss. The kiss is passionate, slow and tender. His lip is so soft and only god knows how much you miss this. The world fades around you, leaving only the two of you, two broken pieces finding their way back to each other.

You pull away from his face and let out a giggle. “Why are you laughing?” He asks, can’t help but let out a soft giggle too.

“Before you came I was actually writing another letter for you,” you admit, a shy smile appears on your face.

“Oh really? Tell me about it baby,” he smirks. Your smile widens at the sound of the nickname that rolls out from his mouth. “Mm I miss that. You, calling me baby. Anyways, it’s in my room, wanna come in?” You ask.

He shakes his head, pulling you closer as he leans back against the stairs railing. “Hmm in a bit sweetheart, you can tell me here while we stargaze. I missed your porch- and mostly you, of course,” he replies with a faint smile.

So you do. You talk to him about the letter while your head rest on his shoulder and your fingers intertwined. “Lastly I wrote, I love you, I’m sorry,” you say, explaining the last content of the letter. But then, you realise he has gone quiet. His stillness unsettling. You glance up to him, “Rafe?” He’s not responding. You check his pulse but there is none. Panic sets in as you shake him, calling his name.

“Rafe”

“Rafe, wake up”

“Wake up!”

“Wake up!”

“Y/n”

“Y/n”

“Y/n, wake up”

You gasp, your heart is pounding like a drum. You’re sweating all over your body as reality crashes down. It was a nightmare.

“Hey..baby you okay?” You turn your head to your right and realise it’s Rafe. He’s okay, he’s alive and he’s sitting on the bed next to you. Relief floods through you like a tidal wave.

“Is it the nightmare again?” He asks. You nod, signalling him that he’s right.

“It’s okay baby I got you. Here, come back to sleep,” he says, gently pulling you into his arms. You smile and cuddle him, clinging to the illusion of safety his embrace provides. You close your eyes again trying to fall back to sleep till your alarm suddenly rings.

You wake up with a tear running down your cheek. You hit the snooze button and realise that was a dream and this time, it’s the true reality. You look to the other side of your bed, it’s empty. It always has been for quite a while now. The truth is, that night after Rafe collapsed, you called for an ambulance. On the way to the hospital, they try everything to make his heart beat again, but nothing works. It was too late. He had lost too many blood before that you weren’t aware of and that same night, Rafe had died in your arms.

It’s been 3 years since the tragic. You keep having the same dream almost every night. Part of you is grateful that you and Rafe had ended in good terms but another part of you knows that the truth is you’ll never get the chance to redeem yourself and be a better partner. There’s nothing remaining other than the memories that will haunt you forever.

Rafe, if you’re hearing this, I love you, I’m sorry.

Like and reblog if you want to kys after reading this😇☺️

[lexaknoxville]

𝐎𝐧 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐒𝐢𝐝𝐞 - 𝐋𝐮𝐤𝐞 𝐂𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧

“𝗜𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝘆 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗻𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁, 𝗜 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗲” - 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗟𝗮𝘀𝘁 𝗗𝗶𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗿 𝗣𝗮𝗿𝘁𝘆

pairing(s) | Luke Castellan x reader

summary | Luke’s rough days always end up with you, him, and a blunt by the lake. This time your emotions the weed gets the better of you both, leading to a shift in your friendship

warnings | smoking, cussing, making out, suggestive content!

based on THIS request!

REQUESTS ARE OPEN! MASTERLIST!

—————————————————————————————

“I’m sorry for dragging you out here like this.”

Luke says breaking the comfortable silence that had settled over the two of you. The only words spoken back and forth in the last fifteen or so minutes was the occasional “thanks” while passing the blunt.

“What do you mean? You know I would never pass up the opportunity to smoke.” You said with a light giggle. You knew exactly what he meant, and you knew what you truly wanted to say.

“I know I know, I just feel like shit for always dragging you out in the middle of the night, just because I’m being whiny.”

“Luke come on, you know I don’t care. And you’re not whiny.” You could’ve said more, been more reassuring, comforted him, but you knew if you kept talking you would end up spilling all of the shit you’ve tried so hard to keep bottled up.

So you kept your mouth shut, because we all know It’s not smart to tell your best friend that he’s the only reason you come back to camp every year. its not smart to tell him that you would come out barefoot in the snow just to make sure he’s ok, and it’s definitely not smart to tell your best friend that you’re in love with him.

So you stayed quiet.

He leant over and knocked your shoulders together, dragging you out of your thoughts. Looking over towards him with a smile, you went to ask if he was ok before he interrupted you.

“You cold? Pretty sure I can hear your teeth jittering from over here y/n.” He laughed out. You genuinely hadn’t even noticed you were freezing, so caught up thinking about him and all the things you couldn’t say.

“Honestly yeah, a little”

“Come here.” He said in his usual sweet tone, reaching over to pull you closer to his side.

As soon as his hands were on you your face heated up, and as much as your mind was telling you to pull away you just couldn’t. Everything about it was so undeniably him. The smoke surrounding you guys, the smell of his cologne, him pressed up against your side, the gentle brush of his fingers on your leg.

It was all so him.

Finally working up the courage to face him, you realized just how close the two of you were. If he had moved even an inch closer your nose would be touching his.

“Y/n/n, can I kiss you?”

God, you didn’t know if it was the nickname, the weed, or just your borderline obsessive crush on him, but you almost passed out then and there.

“Please” you almost begged. Any other time you would’ve been embarrassed, but you just didn’t have it in you at the moment.

That was all it took for him to lean forward and finally put his lips to yours. He brought his hands up to your face as you kissed. His hands were gentle and soft, the complete opposite of the almost erratic way he was kissing you.

His hands dropped from your face down to your waist, pulling you softly into his lap. Throwing your legs over his thighs, it finally clicked that you were making out with Luke Castellan. The boy who caught the eyes of all the girls at camp, the best swordsman, and your best friend.

You slowly carded your fingers through his hair, gently tugging once you got close to the scalp. A low groan ripped out of him, and you knew in that moment that you would never hear anything better.

It could be the weed, or the way he’s kissing you so deeply, but your mind was almost in a haze. The only thing that held your focus was Luke. The feeling of his hands on your hips, slowly rocking you back and forth against him. The way he smelt, the softness of his hair, the warmth radiating from his body, the feeling of his abs when you ran your hands up his shirt, the low whines he was letting out.

After several minutes, and finally getting your thoughts back under control, you realized It was all too much. This was moving way too fast and you’d be damned if you messed this all up by fucking your best friend in the woods.

“Luke, Luke baby we need to stop.” You said between kisses, slowly pulling back from him. Still placed in his lap, with his hands on your hips, he slowly nodded. “You’re right. It’s way too cold out here and we’re gonna end up getting caught.”

Words aside, neither of you made any effort to move.

Luke stayed quiet for a moment before bursting into laugher. “just so you know, I wanted to do that for a long time. Now that I finally have, you’re gonna have a hard time getting rid of me.”

All you could do was laugh. “Please Castellan, we both know I would never try to get rid of you.”

I HOPE THIS WAS OK!!! I HAVENT WRITTEN IN A WHILE SO GIVE ME A BREAK LMAO.

SEND IN REQUESTS! LOVE YALL 🤗

@lexaknoxville

[odileeclipse]

Had a funny idea based off the shanigans...imagine shadow milk x y/n x pure vanilla but well...an alternate of the crazies lol. Different anon so this can be its own series...say y/n is the type of shy person to be overly cautious and has two lovers...one who is safe and caring and trying to get them to be a bit more social while the other is daring yet also caring and trying to make y/n live a little!

While pure vanilla is gently coaxing them out of their shell and trying to keep them safe...shadow milk is trying to get y/n to be a little more daring, to live a little! Get that adreline flowing...so I can imagine the fun struggle between the two...both wanting y/n to get out of their shell in different ways. One wanting y/n to spend more time with fellow cookies while the other is trying to get y/n to he braver lol...can imagine funny convos between shadow milk and pure vanilla. Both talking about the other's approach to y/n and other stuff lol!

Between Light and Shadow

The silver glow of the moon bathed the garden, petals drifting in the evening breeze. You stood between two forces one warm and steady, the other elusive and sharp. “My dear, you need not rush,” Pure Vanilla’s voice was soothing, a gentle balm to your cautious heart. His golden eyes shimmered with kindness as he cupped your hands in his. “The world is vast, yes, but you do not have to face it all at once. We can start small perhaps attending a gathering? A place where you can feel safe, yet still take a step forward.” A soft chuckle slithered through the air, curling around your ear like a ghostly whisper. “And yet, they will never truly be free if they only take steps upon paths already paved.” Your breath hitched as Shadow Milk’s presence coiled around you, unseen yet so very there. His voice dripped with amusement, a murmur from the unseen corners of the night. “Come now, little petal… doesn’t your heart ache for something more? A taste of the unknown… a thrill you’ve never dared grasp?”

Pure Vanilla’s grip on your hands tightened ever so slightly, his warmth grounding you. “They do not need deception to grow, Shadow Milk.” Shadow Milk’s laughter was low, curling like smoke. “And yet, you would have them walk only beneath the sun, where all is safe and known.” His shadow stretched toward you, a whisper brushing against your skin. “What of the unseen wonders? The truths hidden in darkness? Wouldn’t you like to know?” Your pulse quickened, torn between the sanctuary of Pure Vanilla’s touch and the tantalizing pull of Shadow Milk’s words. Pure Vanilla sighed, his voice laced with patience. “I only wish for them to grow without fear. Not to be lured into reckless abandon.” “Fear?” Shadow Milk hummed, his voice curling at the edges like silk. “Or hesitation? There is a difference, dear Vanilla. And you know it.”

You inhaled deeply, then finally spoke. “What if… what if I tried both?” Silence. Shadow Milk let out a short, amused chuckle. “Oh? Both? You surprise me, little petal.” His grin widened, his mismatched eyes gleaming. “You wish to bask in the sunlight and dance with shadows? How intriguing.” Pure Vanilla tilted his head, considering your words. “Balance is important, but are you certain? I would never wish for you to be led into danger.” You nodded firmly. “I don’t want to just hide away forever, but I also don’t want to throw myself into things I’m not ready for. Can’t I have a little of both? A little safety, a little adventure?” Shadow Milk smirked. “Oh, I like this. You’re finally starting to break free from that cautious little shell.” He leaned in closer, his voice dipping into a whisper. “How about a test run, then? There’s a fancy banquet happening tonight. I say we sneak in.”

Pure Vanilla blinked. “Sneak in?” He sighed, already weary. “Shadow Milk, that’s hardly the kind of outing I had in mind.” “Oh, I’m sure it isn’t,” Shadow Milk purred. “You’d rather take them to a safe, dull gathering full of polite conversations and predictable outcomes.” “That ‘safe, dull gathering’ ensures no one gets thrown into danger,” Pure Vanilla countered, his expression exasperated yet fond. You giggled at their back-and-forth before slipping your hands into both of theirs, squeezing gently. “How about this? We go out together, enjoy the night, and see where it takes us. No reckless sneaking in… but also no hiding in a corner the whole time.” Pure Vanilla softened. “That… is a reasonable compromise.” Shadow Milk hummed. “Not as fun as my plan, but I’ll allow it. For now.” With an excited flutter in your chest, you tugged them along, stepping into the lantern-lit streets. The night was young, and with the warmth of Pure Vanilla’s kindness and the thrill of Shadow Milk’s mischief, you knew you were in for an unforgettable adventure.

[sinstear]

ㅤㅤOVER THE FLOWER HILL, I’LL MEET YOU IN THE GARDEN

vi used to think she was indestructible. she’s been through loss after loss, still dealing with the trauma in her own way; finding fights and drinking unholy amounts, but losing you proved to her that she was indestructible. when she tries to sleep, you’re there, in her dreams and smiling at her. promising that you’re not going anywhere, that you’ll be waiting for her no matter what.

as much as she loves you, and she loves you like no one before, and although she knows she'll never get you back, the drinking doesn’t give her that escape she’s desperately clinging into, begging for, pleading for. all she ever wants is one night to remember you, not remember how she lost you. she wants to remember the good, but all she remembers is the bad, the way you looked at her with one final smile. one final yet painful and silent goodbye.

her hands, ones that you once always held no matter what, kept warm for her, are littered with dark brushes with old and new wounds scattered around the rough skin, wounds she can’t be bothered to hide, to fix. if she focuses hard enough, vi can still feel your lingering touch, it’s not as strong as it used to be, but it’s light, distant and she prays that feeling will never leave.

the wind around her is cold, bitter and evil. it nips at her already bruised face angrily, almost like it was mad at her for not doing her hardest to save you. maybe deep down she knows she should have done more, tried harder to keep you with her, but she couldn’t, no matter how many times she tried, it was inevitable. she knew you were dying, you knew you were dying, and you knew that in her heart, she wanted you to stay, wanted to do everything to take your pain away but she couldn't. there was not a thing in this world strong enough to save you, and vi hates herself because no matter how strong she is, she wasn’t strong enough to save you.

the only thing that truly mattered was you, and now she’s alone. like she feared.

“do you think things would be different,” you paused, turned around and found vi on your bed, resting up on her elbows and looking at you. “with everything?”

“maybe,” you found yourself smiling at her light smile and walked over to her. “but even if nothing changes, we still have each other. that means more to me than  anything.” 

“you promise?”

your eyes fluttered closed, sighed softly at the feeling of her lips against your forehead and leaned into her touch. “i promise.” vi nodded against you.

droplets of rain trickled down her forehead, down the slope of her nose and down her cheek. the action that’s so innocent and free had her fluttering her eyes open with a grumble and leaned forward on the battered and dishevelled roof. “what would it matter?” she questioned, looking at the scatter of people rushing around below her. “who would care?”

tucking her knee to her chest, violet finds herself leaning forward a little more, deeply inhaling the thick air and closing her eyes again. she missed you. she missed your warmth, the feeling of your fingers running through her hair when she got home. she missed the sound of you humming or singing, the sight of you sleepily stumbling your way into the kitchen in the mornings and hugging her, pleading her to come back to bed while your voice was still laced with sleep, and for the first time in months, she cried.

the tears ran down her cheek like they were trying to find a source, a lifeline, and before she would have wiped them away, hide them from the world, but for once she didn’t care that she was sitting up on a roof that could collapse beneath her, looking out over where you’d both sit, and was crying. 

if she took the leap, you would hate her for it. you needed her to stay grounded for as long as possible. vi needed to stay while you could wait. if she decided enough was enough, then it was all for nothing. time, healing and patience was all she needed. it was all she would ever need if it meant she got to be with you one last time.

the wait to have you in her arms would be the most painful, having to wait until it was her time to be able to see you again, to tell you how much she loved you, how much she wished she tried hard enough and to see that perfect smile on your face that you always managed to have. it will be worth it in the end. 

because no matter what, no matter if she’s asleep, or wide awake yearning for you to come home, back to where you belong, over the flower hill, through her dark fog of denial and regret, you’ll be there to meet her in the garden when it’s time. 

meet her once again where your and hers story began.

just a lil sad fic .. my apolocheese <3

[gyeomsweetgyeom]

[10:14 am]

(cw: pregnant reader, some cussing I think, pregnancy symptoms/discomforts)

You groaned as you continued walking. What would have been a beautiful day for anyone else felt awful for you, nearly 2 weeks overdue. The sun was shining brightly- which was making you hot and sweaty. There was a breeze- which wasn't strong enough to cool you down. The birds were singing- just more noise to piss you off.

"Come on, honey. Keep going, almost back home," Jaehyun smiled at you while his hands gripped your forearm.

You glared at him, fury in your gaze, "you better not be lying to me like the last lap around the block Jung Jaehyun."

Being nearly 2 weeks overdue was a major pain in the- everywhere. You back ached, you couldn't sleep, you felt every movement of the human inside you, you were hot, cranky, tired, swollen everywhere, and sore. You had spent hours bouncing on a yoga ball, eaten spicy food, chugged various teas, ate viral salads, and here you were, going on your- you lost count- walk since your due date. One foot remained on the curb of the sidewalk while the other stepped on the road for uneven steps to "really open your pelvis." Jaehyun was very supportive, maybe even a little too supportive, in helping you during this tough period. It was him that encouraged all this excessive movement! Lovely!

As much as you grumbled about it now, he truly had been such an angel your whole pregnancy. He had painted the nursery 4 times when you couldn't decide on a shade only to end up choosing the first color he had painted! He never complained about waking up to get you your fast food cravings in the middle of the night and even tried your weird combinations.

Finally your familiar front door came into view and you left Jaehyun's hold in favor of making your way back to your favorite spot on the couch. You sighed in relief as you settled into the cushions of the couch, the air conditioning quickly cooling you off.

"More raspberry leaf tea, honey? A date or some pineapple?" Jaehyun asked.

You sighed tiredly, your eyes falling shut. "Can I just get some peace and quiet please?" You asked quietly.

"Do you want a snack for your quiet time?"

You felt yourself getting overwhelmed, hot tears filling your eyes. You breathed deeply, trying to get yourself to calm down, but all you felt was your body temperature rise all over again as your feelings rose. Your breath trembled as you repeated, "Can I please just get some peace and quiet?"

Jaehyun scrambled over to you in a panic, "Honey! What's wrong?!"

You felt your shoulders shake as you cried harder. "I feel terrible! This baby was supposed to be out like 2 weeks ago. I feel like a hippo, I can't do anything by myself. I'm tired of raspberry tea and salads and dates and pineapple. And you always want me to be active and I hate it! It takes a lot of work for me move the way I used to with my center of gravity thrown off and an extra 30 pounds to move. I always feel the baby moving and even when I want to be alone, I'm not! I can't ever have any peace!" You ranted while hot tears streamed down your cheeks, "And every time we go to the doctor she always mentions that this kid has gotten you big ass head- do you have any idea how much damage a head the size of yours will do to my body?!"

Jaehyun looked at you in pure shock. His eyes were wide and lips pursed. "I-I-I don't know what to say." He didn't dare mention that the doctor had mentioned the high likelihood of a c-section.

"Because it's not happening to you! You don't get it and you want me to do everything the way I used to but I can't! And I really, really feel like if you try to touch me in any way for the next 3 days I will hire someone to kick you in the balls since I can't get my legs that high," you add while exhaling shakily, using the backs of your hands to wipe away at your tears.

Jaehyun cleared his throat with a decisive nod, "I'm gonna go shower. I'm closing the windows and turning down the air for you. Then I'm going to draw you a bath with your favorite bubbles. Can I get you anything else before I give you your peace and quiet?"

"I want an iced coffee, please."

Jaehyun opened his mouth to argue- you were supposed to be limiting your caffeine! Then he remembered the rant from a minute ago and decided not to. He disappeared into the kitchen, whipping up your coffee and setting it beside you along with the TV remote.

"Honey?" Jaehyun started almost nervously, "I love you."

You sipped your coffee happily, "I love you too!"

Jaehyun wasn't sure he'd get used to the mood swings that came with you being pregnant, but luckily they wouldn't last that much longer since you went into labor just 5 hours later. This of course brought a whole new wave of you cursing him and screams- but at least at the end of it all he got to welcome your beautiful baby girl.

[dnvrsmedia]

Touch Me, Feel Me

Sevika x Reader (afab) smut

Kinktober

an: uh hi! it’s been a real long time & i come back bearing very filthy smut as promised HAHA

warnings: breeding kink 🤓

Ragged breaths escape your plush lips, dry from exhaustion. Eyes tilted up and back, unable to keep focus as the brute above you thrusts her hips in an ungodly manner.

Being the mechanic that you were, tinkering with hex tech was a pastime you enjoyed frequently. Knowing that Sevika’s birthday was coming up motivated you to finish something you had been working on for a long time. You were able to make technology to allow someone to regain feeling in a prosthetic. This idea came to you during one of the many nights you laid on Sevika’s chest. Soft strokes of her arm lightly scratching your back in comfort.

“I miss the way you feel on my arm.” Sevika kept her gaze on the ceiling.

Thoughts flurrying in her brain. Her strong jaw clenched in an act to make her exclude any emotion that may slip. You on the other hand, stunned. Sevika refuses to talk about her lost arm. The adjustment that was made post explosion left your relationship chipped, but not broken. From then on, you worked diligently to give your lover a new meaning.

You didn’t necessarily think your new technology would lead to Sevika attaching the device to her thick and lengthy silicon cock. Although, Sevika being Sevika, it truly didn’t surprise you.

“F-fuck! Vika, oh my-“ Your moans of deep pleasure increase by tenfold, the buff woman above you pistons her hips deeply into your core.

Her flesh hand snaking its way across your budding clit, rubbing furious circles into damnation. Drool dripping hotly onto the sheets from your gaped mouth as your center leaks from your pleasure. Slick coating the thick member while leaking down Sevika’s thick mountainous thighs. Her essence mixing with yours as her cunt weeps at the sensations of your warmth encompassing her member.

“That’s fucking it, baby. You like how this dick feels, huh? How full i’m- oh fuck- how full i’m making you?” The most powerful woman of Zaun grunts in your ear as her hips never farther.

Babbling is all you are left with as the piece works your walls. Stretching and massaging the spot that makes your toes curl. Sevika can feel the clenching of your muscles around her and moans a moan you’ve never thought could manifest from betwixt her lips. Your eyes full of adoration of how good she is feeling. You turn your gaze to watch as Sevika’s muscles contract in every movement made. Her abs on full display as her body contorts. Her nipples fully erect on her chest make you dizzy. It’s not very often that Sevika allows you to touch her breasts, but when she does it always makes her shiver. With no rational thoughts flowing through your brain, you unconsciously lift your hand up to her chest, catching a hold of her swelled bud, and pinch.

A roar from the bellows of her being errupts from the brute above. Like a light switch was flipped, Sevika shifts her body to contain your hands above your head in restraint.

“Who fucking told you it was okay yo do that? What a fucking whore you are. You say you made this for my arm but deep down we both know you wanted this.” Sevikas impossible pace picks up faster than you thought was possible.

At this point, silent screams are leaving your body as it is being found impossible to make noise. Your eyes fully roll to the back of your head in pleasure, unable to look at your lover above you. Your bilss taken away from you as her flesh hand removes itself from your clit with a firm ‘smack!’ a whine released itself from your throat as a plea.

“Watch yourself, baby.” Sevika halts all movement making you whimper and rustle in your restraint.

“Please.” You whimper softly, feeling too lightheaded to do more than that.

“What was that?” Sevika teased, slowly teasing herself back onto you, watching you fall apart.

“Vika, please! I need you!” You whine loudly, thrashing harshly in her hold. You can tell that she thrived off teasing you as her chin rose in pride and her smirk grew.

And in an instant, she’s back to fucking you open.

Sevika pushes to your climax with fast, sloppy thrusts . You can tell she is close by the guttural grunts and increased filthy words.

“Come on baby let me feel you cum on my cock. This pussy fucking loves taking me. Fucking take it!” And with that, you’re climaxing. Stars erupt behind your eyes as bliss comes running to you at full force.

“Gonna fuckin’ cum, gonna full you so good, baby! This pussy so fucking good.” Sevika is not too far behind you as she’s collapsing above you.

Moments pass before you feel your lover slip out of you with a wince. You giggle at her, she forgot to turn off the device allowing her to feel you. An annoyed pout adorns her face before she playfully smacks your thigh.

“Happy Birthday, Vika.” You kiss her lips slowly and passionately, showing your appreciation.

[oldsoul007]

unspoken

father charlie x nun reader

summary: angstyyyy, nun and priest inlove but obey their vows.

masterlist

I entered the dimly lit church, my heart pounding as I approached the confessional. I took a deep breath and stepped inside, the wooden door closing softly behind me. I could hear the faint rustle of Father Charlie on the other side.

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," i began, my voice shaking. "It's been a while since my last confession."

Father Charlie's voice was gentle, yet firm. "What is it that troubles you, my child?"

I hesitated, tears already forming in my eyes. "Father Charlie, It's tearing me apart.” I hesitated. "Father, I've been struggling with feelings that I know are not right. Feelings for someone I shouldn't have."

There was a heavy silence on the other side of the confessional. Finally, Father Charlie spoke, his voice filled with concern. "Go on, my child. It is important to unburden your heart."

I took a deep breath, my words spilling out in a rush. "I have feelings for you, Father Charlie. Deep feelings that I can't seem to control. And I think... I think you might feel the same way."

There was a heavy silence on the other side of the confessional. Finally, Father Charlie spoke, his voice filled with sorrow. "Sister y/n, my heart aches with the same love and pain. But my vows, my commitment to God and the church, they bind me. I cannot break them."

My tears flowed freely now. "I know, and I respect your devotion. But it hurts so much to love someone I can never be with. I don't know how to move on."

Father Charlie's voice was choked with emotion. "I wish things were different, y/n. You deserve all the love and happiness in the world. But this path, it's one I chose long ago. We must find the strength to let go, even though it feels impossible."

I nodded, though he couldn't see me. "I understand, Father. I'll try to find peace, but please know that you'll always have a place in my heart."

"And you in mine, y/n," Father Charlie replied softly. "May God grant you the strength to heal and find happiness."

With a heavy heart, I left the confessional, my love for Father Charlie forever unspoken in the world outside, but deeply etched in our hearts.

Weeks passed, and the pain of their unspoken love weighed heavily on both their hearts.

One evening, as the sun set and the church was empty, I returned. I found Father Charlie alone, deep in thought. "Father Charlie," I whispered, "I can't bear this any longer. I know it's wrong, but my feelings for you are too strong."

Father Charlie looked at me, his eyes filled with the same longing. "Sister Y/n, I've prayed for guidance, but my heart keeps leading me back to you. We must be careful, but if we truly care for each other, perhaps we can find a way."he whispers against my ear.

I felt my breath catch in my throat. I had known this moment was coming, but nothing could have prepared me for the intensity of it. "Charlie," i murmured, my voice trembling with anticipation.

Without another word, Charlie gently cupped my face in his hands, his touch tender and reassuring. He leaned in slowly, giving me a chance to pull away, but i didn't. Instead, i closed the distance between us, and our lips met in a passionate kiss.The world seemed to fade away as we lost ourselves in the kiss. It was a kiss filled with all the unspoken words, the shared experiences. I reach my hand brushing through his hair not wanting it to end. 

In the quiet of the church, we shared a tender embrace, knowing our love would have to remain a secret. We promised to cherish our moments together, hidden from the world but forever bound by our unbreakable bond.

[thorough-witness-enjoyer]

The Traveler captures the essence of Destiny’s humanistic and existential message with touching inspiration.

I’m coming out to say that the Traveler is my favorite character in Destiny by FAR and has been for years. I promise I’ll make a full thought dump on Cayde’s decision, but I just want to quickly talk about the absolute beauty of the narrative surrounding the Traveler that I have cried numerous rivers over. The Traveler’s philosophy and essence has touched my spirit so intimately, I cannot thank Destiny enough for blessing us with that beautiful white orb.

The Traveler is the most endearing thing ever to be conceived of to me because the idea of a creator who believes it should serve its creations in the best way it knows how is so refreshing. We as humans are so used to stories to about gods who we must respect because they contributed to the universe we live in; gods who believe they have jurisdiction over all and expect us to follow their word for they are wiser than any mortal. Free will is a heavy burden to bear and, as a result of humans wishing to alleviate the anxiety that comes with the knowledge that you must be responsible for all your directionless choices and the potential pain that comes with them, we create stories about deities who understand the things we don’t and will guide us in a universe that provides no instructions on how to live properly.

The Traveler is so respectable and inspiring because though it can bend the laws of physics with its paracasual abilities and was responsible for the birth of the universe, it doesn’t view itself as any higher than the life forms it fostered. Its devotion to free will and the love it has for all is heart throbbing, especially when sticking to its ideology is detrimental to its safety and well being. It’s so hopeful and believes in the good of sentient life, even if shown how awful beings can be. It has wishes and beliefs, but it will never impose them on anyone because it believes the universe is ours rather than the universe being entitled to it.

The Traveler could have been god and gave that up so we could have complexity and free will; so that we wouldn’t have a destiny. It is so mindful of people’s inclination to look beyond themselves for purpose in order to make their suffering more sensible and it chooses to not speak so that we may never hinder our ability to define our lives to be what we truly desire it to be. That choice, the choice to not be god because you believe so deeply in people’s self efficacy that you don’t see a god to be necessary, is one I hold dear to me.

Destiny is not a game about gods, it’s about powerful people who either realize that their powers do not mean they can enforce their will on others, leading them to enjoy the complex experience of being a living being, or become pseudo gods, meeting their end to godslayers who refuse to let anyone determine their fate. The Traveler is powerful and loving for it could have chosen servitude from all , but it chose to be of service instead, even if it would get hatred in return from those who did not understand the power it was granting them. It’s love is unconditional and it would suffer untold eons for anyone, even if the affection wasn’t returned.

Destiny asks the question “What do you do when you can’t force the universe to care about you?”

What do you do when the logic is sharp, the Winnower cuts away at the excess of reality, and you cry out prayers to get no response in turn?

It answers it with “Who cares if the universe thinks we matter or not, we decide if we matter and we can care for each other when the Winnower refuses to”.

I’ll forever thank the Traveler for allowing us to not only find that answer, but experience it with mouthfuls of the sweetness freedom bleeds when you breach the deterring sight of possibility.

Traveler, I love you more than you could understand and when I think there is no hope in my life, I think of you standing strong in the sky after eons of fear and torment and I get the courage to stand strong against the the tides of causality.

The universe may be unmoved by whether we suffer or not, but there will always be beings who will help us understand that this isn’t a problem to be solved, but a truth to embrace and free ourselves with.

Beings like the Traveler, who never understood why we looked up at it when we could have looked down at our own hands. We may want god, but what we really need is ourselves and each other. This is something we will struggle against for a long time, but the Traveler knows we will get there eventually.

It has patience and hope beyond infinity, traits I will forever think of when humanity stumbles over existential questions time and time again.

[apoloadonisandnarcissus]

The Tragedy of Haladriel - Part II

In Part I, I already analyzed Galadriel and Mairon’s characters, their judgment by the Valar in Númenor, and why they connected so deeply with each other.

Mairon's Wish to Heal

After Morgoth’s defeat, the one you call Sauron devoted himself to healing Middle-earth–bringing its ruined lands together in perfect order. He sought to craft a power not of the flesh, but o’er the flesh. The power of the unseen world. Adar reveals to Galadriel that he killed Sauron, 1x06

This “wound” is most likely another one of Mairon’s tricks, because he wants to be near Galadriel: he wants to serve her, she’s his Vala, now.

Although, in the lore, when Maiar are in human forms they can still get injured and have a different set of needs. We see this with Gandalf in “Lord of the Rings”; he needs to sleep in order to sustain his human form. Maiar just need to be careful not to overindulge on their humans forms, otherwise they can become bound to them, and unable to return to their true spiritual forms (there’s a lot of debate around this, with some even saying that eating can be binding). So, there is a very small possibility that Mairon was indeed injured (unlikely).

Galadriel: “You wish to heal me?” Sauron: “I wish to heal all Middle-earth.” Galadriel mocks Sauron's goal, 2x08

Either way, this wound is deeply symbolic, of Mairon wish to heal himself, Galadriel and all of Middle-earth, from Morgoth’s corruption (darkness). And since the wound “soured” overnight (sneaky Mairon), Galadriel takes him to the nearest by Elven kingdom: Eregion, ruled by Celebrimbor, the grandson of the legendary Elven smith, Fëanor.  

Now, I don’t know if Mairon’s intention was to go to Eregion, because, unless he has the gift of foresight (and nothing on Tolkien lore or even RoP canon suggests this), he could never have known that Galadriel would take him there, in the first place. Because, in “Rings of Power”, she lives in Lindon, and could have taken a different road to get to her home realm faster.

After being healed by the Elves, Marion seems to be a completely different being. He’s happy, excited and enthusiastic at the forge of Eregion, exchanging knowledge and ideas with Celebrimbor. When this episode aired, it was noticed by many just how “hot” he looked. It’s that Maia glow-up, because Mairon, the Maia of Aulë, was starting to make an appearance.

Perhaps, due to Mithril, itself? In 2x08, we saw that Nenya, a ring entirely made of Mithril, was able to heal Adar from Morgoth’s corruption, but the effect was temporary and vanished as soon as he removed the ring.

This look is peak "Mairon, the Maia of Aulë", vibes: with his reddish hair, beard and the Dwarvish-inspired necklace (the Dwarves are the Children of Aulë). 

Mairon: Thank you, Galadriel. Galadriel: For bringing you here? Mairon: For saving my life. Galadriel: As you saved mine. Our scales are balanced. Mairon: No. No, you've done far more than that for me. I'd all but given up. But you, you believed in me. You saw strength in me. You pushed me to heights that no one else could have. I will never forget that. And I'll see to it that no one else does either.

In the episode itself (1x08) this line “I’ll see to it that no one else does either” sounds ominous, because the show wanted the big “He is Sauron” reveal.

However, and looking at the great scheme of things, I don’t believe it was Mairon’s intention to be threatening here, at all. He wanted Galadriel to know she would be given the proper credit for her role in healing and saving Middle-earth, and for his own redemption at the eyes of all in the Seen and Unseen world (more on that later).

Which leads me to...

The Three Elven Rings of Power

Are they truly free of "Sauron's influence", like Season 2 expects us to believe?

Gil-galad: The Rings. Show them to me. Elrond: Dare not, High King. He's [Sauron] no doubt corrupted... Galadriel: He never touched them, High King. Elrond: He worked with Celebrimbor for weeks. We know not the depth of his influence. Elrond refuses to give the Three to Gil-galad, 2x01

In 2x01, every Elf in Lindon seems to believe the Three rings of power are free from Sauron’s influence, expect for Elrond.

Círdan: I remember, he [Celebrimbor] used to speak of, one day, crafting objects of such power, they could change the heart of any who beheld them. If, as you say, these Rings have so quickly turned Elf against Elf... it would appear he has succeeded. Elrond: Perhaps it was not Celebrimbor's hand that produced that effect. Círdan: If what you've told me is true, these three Rings were made without Sauron's touch. Elrond: The Enemy is cunning. The Rings may well be a ploy on his part. A device in some larger plan, the end of which we cannot yet see.

Indeed, Mairon spent a lot of time at Eregion with Celebrimbor, handling the only piece of Mithril available, and experimenting with different alloys. And when Celebrimbor melted down the Mithril into the purest gold and silver from Valinor (Finrod’s dagger), “the eye of Sauron” makes a (double) appearance:

In 2x03, when he (in Annatar form) and Celebrimbor are forging the Seven for the Dwarves lords, infusing the piece of Mithril with spells was the only thing he needed:

But I almost had it sooner. It was only in speaking with the Southlander that I realized... [...] His suggestions were but the key that unlocked the dam. We are on the cusp of crafting a new kind of power. Not of strength, but of spirit. Not of the flesh, but over flesh. This is... This is a power of the Unseen World. Celebrimbor tells Gil-galad about Halbrand’s ideas concerning the “crown” to save the Elves, 1x08 

In an entirely different post, I already explained what is the Unseen world, but it's also worth mentioning here that "controlling the Unseen world" isn't a dark or evil power per say. Even in Tolkien lore, the Three Elven rings are a “power of the Unseen world”, allowing their ring-bearers to have foresight, strength, etc.

Mairon: We found it. I don't know how we missed it before. It's too much power for one object. We need two. We're making two. Galadriel: Two crowns? Mairon: Not exactly. It'll need to be something… Smaller. Come, see for yourself.

This exchange suggests that the idea of “rings” (instead of crowns) might have come from Mairon himself, and he wanted to forged two. One for Galadriel, and another for himself. And probably entirely made of mithril, too. Because Nenya, "Ring of Water" has no lesser ore (unlike Vilya "Ring of Air", and Narya, "Ring of Fire"). With what purpose? For them both to heal, themselves and Middle-earth.

Nenya choosing Galadriel in 2x01

Perfection does not exist only in Valinor, High King. It is here. Celebrimbor has brought it to Middle-earth. Círdan arrives with the Three, wearing Narya himself.

Did he, now?

At the beginning, Mairon was one of the most powerful Maiar, and the purest one, too. Which makes his corruption by Morgoth all more tragic. Before his mastery of Dark magic and witchcraft ("Sauron"), he’s gifted in Ainur magic, as it was his purpose by Eru. 

And, in Tolkien canon, the Three aren’t free from Sauron’s influence, since their ring-bearers were able to perceive that Sauron forged the One ring (and took off theirs), and the Three lost their power once the One ring is destroyed by Frodo, in the Third Age. This means, the Three are, indeed, connected to Sauron’s power, they just don’t enslave their wearers to his will (like the Nine) nor bring misfortune (greed) as the Seven. “Rings of Power” build upon this and made the question more complex (and interesting).

Since “Rings of Power” somewhat changed the Tolkien canon (Celebrimbor forged the Three, alone, when he started to suspect Annatar’s true intentions and without any intervention from his part, meaning, he didn’t touch any material), I believe Mairon might had a hand on them being so powerful, especially their healing proprieties (Nenya above all). Because this was his ultimate goal, and what he has been seeking for a very long time. And since he was healing himself (through the Mithril), he might have transferred that, alongside with his original purposes (purity of heart and loyalty) as designed by Eru, onto the Three.  

Mairon’s Illusions 

This is more of side note, but now most of you are wondering, if that was Mairon, in his pathway to redemption, what’s with all the illusions in 1x08?

You see, “illusions” don’t exactly equal deception in Tolkien’s lore. Mostly because we have another character who’s also a Maia and who uses them on a regular basis: Gandalf (ironically, Tolkien himself said that Gandalf as Ring-Lord would have been far worse than Sauron ever was).

His charade with her brother had one purpose, only:

He [Sauron] was seeking a power not to destroy Middle-earth, but to heal it. Just as your fellow Elves are seeking to do this very moment. You needn't lie to them. Simply let the work proceed.

And, at the end, Galadriel does allow the work to proceed, only she has Three rings made, instead of original Two (as Mairon intended).  

Galadriel's Desire for Power

Mairon sees in Galadriel a wish for power. It’s no coincidence we see her on a power trip in 1x06, mostly in her interaction with Adar after the battle is won. And he’s a Maia, he was created with the purpose of being a servant to a Vala.

And this is where the majority of the fandom gets things wrong about Mairon’s offer to Galadriel in 1x08 (because the dialogue is misleading).

Mairon wasn’t asking her to be “his” queen, but *the* Queen of all Middle-earth. With him as her consort, “my king”, of course (he was already planning on getting the wedding rings made, after all).

This idea is confirmed in 2x08, when Sauron reveals to Galadriel his original intention in 1x08 (when he was Halbrand/Repentant Mairon):  

I would have placed a crown upon your head. I would never have rested until all Middle-earth had been brought to its knees, to worship the light of its Queen.

In 1x08, Mairon asks his new “Vala” (Galadriel) for them to bind together. He says “You bind me” (and not the other way around). This is Marion plegding himself at her service (the Maia in service of a Vala). She binds him to the light (redemption), and he binds her to power, allowing her to become the Queen she wants to be.

This vision is meant to symbolize redeemed Mairon with Queen Galadriel, and not Dark!Galadriel as many assume.

And this is pretty much what Galadriel will tell Frodo, in the Third Age, when he offers her the One ring: 

And now at last it comes. You will give me the Ring freely! In place of the Dark Lord you will set up a Queen. And I shall not be dark, but beautiful and terrible as the Morning and the Night! Fair as the Sea and the Sun and the Snow upon the Mountain! Dreadful as the Storm and the Lightning! Stronger than the foundations of the earth. All shall love me and despair! The Fellowship of the Ring, Book II, Chapter 7: "The Mirror of Galadriel"

Thousands of years later, this offer still haunts Galadriel, which makes me wonder if “Rings of Power” will return to this scene again in future seasons (maybe to reveal the truth of it).

Galadriel denies Mairon, because she doesn't believe in his redemption, and thinks he has deceived her all along, and, worst, she fell in love with the enemy she has been obsessively searching for centuries now. He still fights back with “you need me.”, in pledge of his servitude to her, but to no avail. She’s too prideful to say “yes” to him. Because she assumes he's "Sauron", "the deceiver".

Mairon, on the other hand, sees his oath of servitude denied. Galadriel refused to be his Vala, and to bind him to the light (redemption). He placed his bet on the wrong horse, as they say. And without a Vala to guide him, he’s lost. Because that's how he was created to be. And while he flees Eregion, he takes Galadriel back to when she was drowning in the Sundering Seas (and he saved her), to drive home just how much she, actually, needs him.

We have a double-edged blade over here. 

Mairon's explosive reaction also goes back to what he said to Galadriel in 1x05: “You don’t know what I did before I ended up on that raft. And when these people discover it, they will cast me out. And so will you.” Galadriel rejecting him in 1x08 represents the confirmation of Mairon’s worst fear: he’s not worthy of redemption.

In fact, he should have stayed in Númenor instead of following Galadriel's pride and ambition. His first deception ("King of the Southlands") caused a snowball of errors and bad choices for Mairon, and caused him to fall back into evil and embrace his "Sauron" persona in Season 2.

And Galadriel, should have “let it lie” as Mairon himself told her on the raft, and every other time he begged her to leave him alone, because she couldn't fix his suffering, no matter how strong her will or her pride. In truth, what she really wanted to "fix" (heal) was herself, like I've talked about in Part I.

In the end, they both chose power over the light, and they both "failed the test".

Is there any way these two could have worked out? 

We know, upfront, that Galadriel and Mairon are doomed by the narrative (peak doomship). Not only he ends up becoming the new Dark Lord with plans of enslaving every race on Middle-earth to his will, but Galadriel is one of his primary adversaries on that endevadour. And, yet, they never fight each other in the flesh. And Season 2 might have provided an explanation for that. 

A lot of them bonding together in Season 1 was due to their shared traumas and hopes (redemption, healing the darkness within, etc.), but the way they looked at each other on their first encounter in the Sundering Seas might suggest these two could have end up sharing a attraction/connection, either way. 

Moving forward and up until Galadriel returns to Valinor at the end of “Return of the King”, there is little chance for these two to actually reconcile (unless Galadriel goes dark). The only way for them to get a “second change” was if Mairon accepted to face the judgement of the Valar, at the end of it all and after the One ring gets destroyed, and for them to be reunited in Aman (they are immortal spirits, after all).

Halbrand aka Repentant Mairon is gone, and I don’t think he will make another appeareance (unless it’s in flahsbacks). And this is very clear in the “last temptation” scene in 2x08: Sauron doesn’t even remember how Halbrand looks like. And, as Sauron goes deeper and deeper into evil, more “polished” and “glamorized” his looks will be, because his love for beauty is getting corrupted into vanity.

The only way Galadriel and Mairon could have worked out is if she had said “yes” to him, really. And this “what if” or “what could have been” will probably haunt Galadriel forever (she still remembers Mairon’s words when speaking to Frodo), because, in Season 2, we were told that Elven memories do not dim.

[atzfilm]

— from eden; (m) part one

there's something wretched about this. something so precious about this, oh what a sin

— yeosang/f.reader, seonghwa/f.reader

— vampire!au, angst, smut (15.3k)

— you never thought you'd fall for your best friend. and yet there you were, stumbling upon him in a lover's embrace. heartbroken, you escape to a quiet bar not far from where you work. a man with a pretty mark on his face distracts you.

— content; mxm content, cussing, blood, blood drinking (it's painful, not sexy 😭) heartache, injuries, anxiety, death, violence, slightly descriptive murder (?), attempted assault (nothing happens aside from brief arm touch), insults, smut: unprotected sex, mention of threesome

part two (finale)

you never lived in the moment, never think about how the rain falls, how the streetlights seemingly has an otherworldly feeling to them. you're sure that many of us never do; so deeply involved in our own lives that we never second guess, never take a pause to truly see our surroundings. to hold in a breath and just take that second to stand, to look. you were one of them, until you met him. he's ordinary in every sense of the word. quiet, calm, brown eyes soft in their gaze, lips plush, reddening around the spot he bites into. he is so irrevocably ordinary that it makes no sense as to why you feel like this. park seonghwa should not be making you feel like this.

you sit on the opposite bench from said man, coffee lukewarm as you grip the reusable plastic, desperately trying to look anywhere but directly in front of you. should you feel this way? he's always been the one man you can count on, the one man who never hesitated to help. kindness seemed to flow through his skin as if it was his own blood. he's the opposite of you, the person you've desired to be. your lips tremble as you take in another exaggerated amount of air, eyes glued to the way his pen glides along the paper, glasses resting on the tip of his nose. you can remember the day you joined him on his exam; his eyes wide in shock when the optometrist told him his sight was worse than yours. oh how you wish you can turn back time, forget everything after that moment. somehow change things.

there are often times that you wish that you did not feel the way you felt. that your friend of four years did not make your chest ache so painfully. you hated liking someone, hated the dread, the anxiety that filled your body in every little interaction. you cross your legs, pulling a stray strand from tickling your cheek. your heartbeat fills your ears, your mouth dry.

maybe if you were able to turn back the clock – never stumbling upon him in that bathroom with san, lips pressed together, arms in a tight embrace. maybe if you were not insistent on checking up on him, things would be different. you would still only look at him as your best friend.

"surprised you haven't run over to him," your other friend slides next to you, his own coffee up to his lips. his headphones are his scarf, pale cheeks coated with a light blush. he wiggles his brows, nudging your shoulder as he continues. "traumatized just like the rest of us?"

"how so?" your brow lifts, finally shifting to him. "something new happened?"

"much of the same. san fucks another coworker, it spreads. seonghwa seems to be the victim this time, though. a bit sad, you know. he really thought they had something."

another thing you've forgotten. seonghwa told you of his own crush. choi san. everyone knows how he is, the endless list of conquests not ending anytime soon. you've warned him that san never took things like this seriously, but he refused to listen to you. insisted that it would be different. that he himself is different from the rest. there was no jealousy behind your intentions until you saw it in action. san making eye contact with you. the smirk crossing his lips. it's just something you can't get out of your head.

"i haven't spoken about it with him yet," you admit, sighing. "i should have already, it's just been so busy and–"

"and he needs his best friend," hongjoong lifts his cup, gesturing to him. "he has been knee deep in that project, distracting himself. it's been days already."

you want to say you know, but it'll only make matters worse. you aren't sure what san said to seonghwa, if he ever told him of your presence just on the other side of the door. and it scares you that he might have. there was no hiding the look you gave the two of them no matter how much you tried to hide it. envy? jealously? bitterness? in the end they are all one in the same.

"i'll talk to him."

—

you didn't. hands folded in your head in the staff library, staring at the endless shelves, a pout on your lips. you are not short by any means, but the shelves are high enough to touch the ceilings. and the one book you need rests at the very top. your eyes shift to the ladder next to you, immediately tensing. climbing up over eight feet is not on your agenda (and in fact, never was), so here you stand. anger rising.

"you could have called me."

seonghwa stands there in all his glory – black turtleneck tucked into his pressed slacks, familiar black boots covering his feet, pretty round glasses resting on top of his head. how have you not noticed how effortlessly handsome he was before? he tilts his head at you, a small smile on his lips.

"we've been over this plenty of times. can't read into that big mind of yours. gotta say it out loud." he slides the ladder as you step back, slowly ascending to the shelf you need. you don't even tell him which book it is that you want, his long fingers delicately plucking it off the shelf.

"you’ve been so involved with the project i didn't want to interrupt because of my fear," you frown. "if hongjoong or mingi came around i would've asked them."

"mingi?" he snorts. "he's as afraid of heights as you, maybe more."

"you are too and yet here you are," you gesture to him as he makes his way down. "my knight in shining armor, always."

"it's my job when it comes to you, pretty," he laughs, finally back on the floor. he's always called you pretty, but with your growing feelings it only makes you sink further into regret.

just as he's about to pass the book back to you he stops, smile slowly fading. "you think i haven't noticed your lack of appearance, birdie? it's been over a week and you've barely texted me. your hourly knocks on my office door haven't happened, at all."

this isn't the way you wanted to do this. in all honesty you didn't even mean to avoid him, but your fear of how you feel is getting to you. especially as he stands here now, worry in his eyes as he waits for you to say something. anything.

"i’m sorry about san."

his hold on the book tightens, brows furrowed. "birdie–"

"i know you're going to say that i don't need to worry or that you'll be fine. and i know i messed up not speaking about it with you until now when i know how you felt about your relationship. i've been a horrible friend, hwa. and that feeling grew inside of me to the point where i was scared to speak to you."

seonghwa looks at you, eyes flicking between yours. he swallows slowly, tucking the book beneath his arm. without another word he takes your hand, pulling you through the stacks of books, weaving in and out the rows. you see plenty of people on your way with him. if they find it strange they don't say a word about it. he opens the balcony door, guiding you through. the wind blows past the two of you, bumps rising on your arm.

the two of you often ventured out here. away from prying eyes. away from lingering gazes. some nights you would stand next to each other and let your hearts speak untainted words. after this conversation surfaces, you're not too sure how this place would be comforting anymore. seonghwa stops pacing after a moment, eyes meeting yours.

"san told me."

"what did he say?" you ask softly. you know. it would be foolish for you not to.

"y/n," seonghwa sighs. "he told me."

no.

"i mean, i just thought it was nothing. i thought you were freaked out seeing us like that but–"

no. no.

"–maybe it's more than that? is it more than that, birdie?" he stops pacing, looking to you. "am i more than that to you?"

the hollowness of your chest grows as he stands there, putting the pieces together. it was fine, everything was fine. you were okay with feeling this way for him. everything was supposed to be okay. should you lie? will it make him stop?

"i know what you're thinking. and don't," he holds up his hand, shaking his head. "don't you dare lie to me."

"we've been best friends since we were kids, hwa."

"don't do that to me." His voice cracks at the end. "please."

"san is just talking, trying to mend things over between the two of you. there's nothing more to it."

he shakes his head, "we always tell each other the truth, so i can tell when you're lying."

"we can't do this, hwa." you're not sure if he can hear your words over the wind. "i don't want to do this with you."

"so we just pretend it's nothing? i pretend that you don't like me more than a friend and you pretend that you never saw san fucking me? is that it? your bright solution?"

you hate this. it's becoming more tainted.

"seonghwa, please–"

"no," his voice rises, and he stops, tongue dragging across his lips. his words are calmer this time. "no. i waited over a week for you to come to me and say something but you didn't say a word. and i thought that you were just embarrassed, you know? i thought that was it so i decided to come see you myself. but when you looked at me, you were afraid. you looked at me with fear, birdie." the cracks are forming. "and that's when i knew. i knew that despite how much of an asshole choi is, he was not lying when he said that you were probably in love with me. just, please. how long?"

"i don't know."

"y/n–"

"i don't fucking know, seonghwa! i'm not lying. i didn't know until i saw the two of you and..." you look away from him to the city landscape. though you've always felt small, it's never been this apparent. "and i felt it. i felt it, and i didn't know how to react or what to do so i stupidly thought it was best to ignore it. hoped that it would go away."

"love does not just go away, birdie. not like that."

you look back at him, your lips growing drier as the wind gusts hit the two of you. his hands are fists, eyes flicking between yours. love does not just go away. he said that and yet why is he looking at you with everything but?

"push me away," you say. his face finally gives you some sort of emotion. brows furrowed in confusion, lips parted. "you didn't ask for this and neither did i. so tell me to go away. tell me you don't want to be friends with me anymore. tell me to leave."

"birdie–"

"tell me to fucking leave, hwa, or ill do it myself."

"go, then. just, go."

you close your eyes. "okay." there's no reason for you to look back at him, let yourself fall into a deeper hole. so you move past him, ignoring what you believe is a sob escaping his lips. you ignore it despite everything you've been through. you ignore it because you're not sure how you will ever be able to fix this.

-

sliding back into your chair, you stare at the glass on the marble top. is it your third? fourth? you told the bartender to cut you off at some point, but it all feels like a blur now. you feel a bit of the buzz, but it's still not enough to pull you away from your thoughts.

"you look broken."

"is that the pickup line you're starting with? must be a rough night."

his chuckle is surprisingly low, seeping into your ears. "not quite a pick up line, no. but you look afraid, hurt. not uncommon at bars, but yours looks different."

you still have not turned to him. "how so?"

"it looks like your world was taken away from you."

your eyes flick to him. the soft light of the bar makes his skin glow, eyes on yours. they're a deeper brown, a marking on his temple, fading into his eye. if it is a scar or a birthmark you're not too sure, but it makes his face only more interesting to look at. handsome is an understatement, the curl of his lips, lift of his brow making you look away. devilishly handsome men just seem to never leave you alone. fortunate for him though, your heart is too broken to jump into the bed of another.

so you tell him as such.

"if you're trying to fuck me just give up now. this sad, broken woman isn't going to cry into your arms."

"if i wanted that i would have gone to someone else, miss," he takes a long sip of his drink, humming. "just conversation."

"why?"

"you looked like you needed someone to talk to. but if I'm being presumptuous, tell me, i'll go away."

quiet.

"you're not far off."

"hm?"

"about my world falling apart, being taken away from me. you're not far off. my best friend found out i was in love with him and i told him to get pissed at me and leave. he never did. i was the one who ran. i was the one who ran, and yet here i am. drowning my heartbreak in whatever the fuck this drink is," you eyeball the glass next to you. "a whiskey sour, maybe?"

"you're right."

you hold your face in your hands. "and now i'm confessing my fucking woes to a stranger because i have no one else. everyone i know knows him, so they'd probably tell him what i'm doing, and he'll come over and yell at me for being irresponsible and call a taxi home for me and i'll have to pretend that i don't want him–" you stop in the middle of your rant, glancing to the side.

"i'm sorry."

he waves you off, "never apologize for your feelings. you needed to let it out. who am i to stop you?"

"just a bit shocked you haven't run yet."

he snickers this time, rolling his eyes. "you are quite something. you're pissed that someone might come here and force you back home. and yet you're telling me what to do with my time? a bit ironic."

"i…" you trail off. "fuck, you're right."

"thank you for thinking so," he teases. "and if i can, i'd like to comment on your dilemma. though i doubt the words of a stranger will do much, i hope i can be of some help."

"take it away, stranger."

he gives you a brief smile, before looking at the glass in his hand, thinking. "in my long life, i've had many heartaches and regrets. i've hurt myself as well as others along the process. but what i have learned is that letting your thoughts linger on their own only hurts more. so your choice of telling him was the right thing to do despite how it may have ended. and from what you're saying, he still loves you just the same. he's kind."

"waiting for the advice to kick in," you note, and he only laughs.

"he loves you. he would be a fool not to. there are few men who would do as you say if they didn't. i know this is the opposite of what you want, but speak to him again. he may be at another bar crying over you as you are over him. actually, i’m sure he is."

"he wouldn't cry over–"

"he would," the stranger interrupts, taking another sip. "if you listen to none of my words then listen to this: you are giving yourself no credit. he loves you. if your relationship is as special as you say, he will be crying at the end of the bar, swallowing his sorrows, just as you are now."

you swallow slowly. your mouth feels dry now, the alcoholic drinks somehow making you feel utterly sober. you push the glass further away, taking the last sip of the bottle of water in front of you. the stranger watches as you think.

"i'm not sure i'm ready for that. the confrontation, that is. i'm scared."

"and admitting that is brave in itself," he glances at the drink near you, waving the bartender over. "may i request another bottled water for the lady, and a coke for myself?"

the woman disappears down the bar after hearing the order. "i'm not usually this bad at drinking."

"i can tell. you've tended a few glasses already, love," he thanks the bartender, passing you the water. "it's cold, perhaps it'll wake you up sooner."

"drowning my sorrows, uh…" you blank on his name. "wait, did i just go on a rant without even introducing myself?"

"that you did."

if you could shrivel away into nothingness you would. "y/n. yourself?"

"kang yeosang."

“nice to meet you, kang yeosang,” you smile.

“likewise, y/n.”

“and thank you for the drink. you shouldn’t have.” you take a sip of the water. “i owe you.”

“do you?” he raises his eyebrows, taking a sip of coke. “then i ask only this: take care of yourself, and don’t listen to other strangers’ advice. and,” his eyes glance at the open bottle in front of you, hand moving over the top of the glass as he slides it closer to him. “don’t leave your other drinks out in the open, please.” he takes it away from you, “i saw a man pour something into it while you were gone.”

the buzz washes away at his words, “what?”

“that’s why i came over. he’s been watching you for a while now. i’ve already alerted the bartender, and the police should be here any moment now,” he covers the contaminated drink with a napkin. "I couldn't find the right moment to tell you, so i decided to let you speak while i watched your drinks."

insults at yourself begin to swirl in your head. how could you be so oblivious to it happening right in front of you? yeosang just stumbled upon it on his night out. if he wasn't here… you could only guess what would happen.

"is he still here?" your voice is lower now. body rigged.

yeosang pauses for a moment, before nodding. "yes. but he hasn't approached you since i've been lingering around you."

is it wrong of you to ask for him to stay?

"i won't leave until i know you're safe," he acknowledges the worried look in your eyes, a small smile gracing his lips. "we don't know each other well, but i'll keep my distance. if you don't mind it, of course. this situation is uncomfortable enough. i can leave you–"

"no!" your voice comes out louder than you'd like, your face warming briefly. "no. i want you to stay. if that's okay with you."

he nods. "it is."

the police arrive quickly, yeosang helping them identify and apprehend the suspect. he never leaves your side throughout the whole process, piecing things together that you haven't noticed at all. he keeps the same calm demeanor as before, giving the officers as much information as he can. you're more than grateful for his presence, soothing the long night you've had. eventually though, the police leave with the man.

the quiet air surrounding the bar is a bit unsettling now, knowing what you could have suffered. the two words you've wished to say to him throughout this ordeal are stuck in your throat. is it nerves? maybe. you were just never good with things like this. but still, he saved you. he didn't need to, but he did.

the thought makes the words come easier.

"thank you."

"not necessary," he waves you off easily. "anyone would have done something if they saw."

"but no one saw except for you. so i’m more than grateful. i don't know how to repay you–"

he shakes his head again. "no repayment. nothing. i've settled my thoughts now knowing you're safe. i do want to say something though. it may be overstepping my position as a little more than a stranger, but i do hope you stray away from the alcohol tonight. you're drunk, and it… may bother me a bit, knowing you're here alone."

the words of a stranger shouldn't make your chest float.

"alright."

time passes by fast as yeosang stands with you outside, the two of you watching the perpetrator being placed in handcuffs. though the police asked if you would like to ride with them and you explicitly stated no, yeosang offered to help you to the police station. pressing charges against a stranger on a night like this is the last thing you want to do, but having him attempt to do this to another innocent person would riddle you with guilt. you’re quiet throughout the small diatribe that the officer gives you, that overwhelming feeling again settling within you.

“must she go?” yeosang asks the officer, glancing over at you. “i was the one who witnessed it. there isn’t much for her to say other than she ordered a drink.”

“is that so? then are you willing to come instead?”

“of course. i’ll follow after you.”

the police officer thanks him again before leaving, disappearing into the oddly quiet night. yeosang looks you over, concerned. “would you like me to walk you to the train station?”

“that’s not necessary,” you say quickly. “it’s only a block or so away.”

he nods again. “well, please stay safe. don't,” he pauses, looking away. “don't follow strangers around. you seem to be sober enough, but still.”

“worried?” you ask, a bit cheeky.

“i am.”

there is no teasing in his voice, jaw tightening as he looks at you. conflicting emotions cross his gaze. you're not sure what to think of it yourself.

“you’re a stranger you know.”

he sighs, “i am.”

“can i have your phone number?” you ask. “just to let you know when i'm home safe. so you don't have to worry. and you can give it to the police if they need it.”

his smile is cheeky, the plush of his cheeks lifting. it makes the hard angles of his face softer, eyes rounder. you aren’t one to call men adorable, but there’s no other description you could think of. he digs into his jacket pocket, a sleek black phone appearing in his hands. without a response, he holds it out to you. you quickly type in your number underneath his quiet gaze, texting yourself. once confirming, you hand it back to him.

he stares at it for a moment, then hums. “perfect. don't forget about messaging me, y/n.” he tilts his head slightly, bowing. you do the same back, giving him one last glance before heading to the station. the itch of not looking back irks you, but you do so anyway. unfortunately in those brief seconds, he had already left the front of the bar. hm.

he must walk pretty fast.

–

you don’t message him.

it’s not like you promised the man that you’d do it, it was merely a suggestion. and he has your contact information, he can reach out if he'd like. once you arrived home that night you came to your senses. one - speaking to strangers about your personal problems should be saved for therapy - and two - you should not give said strangers your personal information after trauma dumping. the thought of you crying your heart out to him is embarrassing enough, you’re only glad you were too intoxicated to realize how embarrassing it was. sobriety may be in your future.

you push the cart down the tight aisle, careful not to push it into one of the shelves. you’ve left your job since telling seonghwa. but books have always been a home for you, so it took a bit, but you were able to find another small library placement not too far from your apartment. it didn’t pay as well since your position was based on seniority, but it’s enough for you to be comfortable.

you stop in one aisle, glancing down at the book in your hand before looking ahead. it is just your luck that you see the man of the hour.

he holds an identical copy in his hands, sunglasses tucked in his hair, resting on the top of his head. prescription glasses - this is your assumption - on the brim of his nose as he reads. his blond hair is as alluring as that night, the redness of his birthmark seen behind a few strands. his clothing is lightweight aside from the open brown trench coat; collared cotton button up, pleated pants, white shoes. a simple outfit and yet he stands out amongst the rest. your mind wasn’t making things up - his beauty is beyond what you can comprehend, just like your old best friend’s. hands flip through the book, lips slightly curved as he skims the pages. his soft brown eyes look up from his reading, meeting yours. you hope that he does not remember you, but recognition flashes in his gaze, cheeks lifting as he smiles. he lifts the glasses off his face, slipping them into the lining of his coat.

“it seems that you have gotten home well,” is the first thing that leaves yeosang’s mouth, book shutting. he places it back in its spot.

“i did,” there is no use lying to him that you couldn’t remember. the stillness of your body alone is enough for him to see the guilt hanging around you. “i’m sorry i didn’t let you know.”

“you had no obligation to a stranger,” he shrugs. “it would have been nice, but i didn’t expect much.”

“still, i should have said something,” you step closer to him, placing the book on the shelf. how awful that he smells really good too. sickening, even. “i was too scared to. after that night.”

his brows furrow, “scared? did i do something to upset you? or did someone else bother you?”

“no no,” you say quickly. “scared was a bad word to choose. maybe, embarrassed? i mean, i can’t believe i spilled my guts to a man that sat next to me at a bar on a random night,” you can feel your face warming. “i don’t think i’ll ever live it down.”

he smiles, shaking his head. “i told you it didn’t bother me. and i was glad to be your comfort, stranger or not. are you alright?”

he is still caring, even after you’ve decided not to message him. you nod, holding the book between your sweaty palms, “i am.”

“then all is well,” he steps around you. the wool of his coat brushes against your arm, leaving goosebumps in its wake. his perfume stuns you for a brief moment, grip tightening on the book. he glances at the shelves, before stepping out the aisle. you cannot help but think this may be your last chance of running into him — you’re not sure what reason you have to keep him around you for a while longer. but you step out the aisle, mouth ready to call out to him.

instead, your body almost collides with his, his hands wrapping around your upper arms to steady you. the touch is brief, though your stomach twists at his touch. he’s a bit cold, letting go once he sees you adjust yourself. he tucks a stray hair away from his face, cheeks lifted in a smile.

“this may be presumptuous of me, and i didn’t want to make any suggestions that night because of the situation. and i know you’re in a bad spot right now and it may not be a good time, but…” he clears his throat. “would you like to hang out? not a bar, not drinking. but a cafe maybe?”

your smile matches his, “yes.”

his small smile is endearing as he nods, looking away from you. “great.”

“good.”

he laughs, “seems like we’re both not good at this.”

“not at all. but at least we’re not good together.”

though he does not blush, his lips tremble, eyes scattering across your face as you say the words. perhaps he does not blush at all, but you can tell your words flustered him. he licks his lips, “i’ll message you, i’m free tonight.”

“so am i.”

“then it’s a date.”

he holds out his hand, and you take it, ready to shake. instead he lifts yours, his lips lightly brushing against the back of it. “a date.”

—

the air is calming between the two of you. shy glances back and forth, your fingers playing with the lining of your shirt, his dragging along the thin layer of shirt he wears. he is not cold, he told you this several times. his laugh echoes around the small cafe, cheeks lifting when he notices how loud he is. neither of you say much but it is plenty enough. he makes you forget about your heartache, your hurt. he shines rather brightly in the low light. you haven’t the need to focus on him fully, his presence effortless in comforting your heart. it is equally enjoyable and terrifying all at once. who would have though that after several dates you’d still feel terribly shy in front of him.

“can i see you again?” you ask after a moment of quiet laughter. it is something silly you’ve asked each time you’ve met up. it’s become a routine now, his smile too hard to resist each time you utter the words.

he takes a sip of his coffee. black. not something you’d choose for yourself, but he seems to enjoy it. it’s his second already. “of course. i hoped you would ask,” he admits jokingly, fingers pushing his hair away from his face. “i do enjoy being around you.”

“flattery only gets you so far,” you frown, though it is anything but irritation.

“it is only the truth,” he shrugs.

  if your face could turn red it would at his words, it would. your lips enclose around the metal straw, its cool temperature soothing. “have you had any partners recently?”

he shakes his head, “not in a long time. relationships were never something i considered.”

oh.

you try not to show how that affects you, but it seems to be spelled out in the expression you make. he continues speaking.

“but i think i’ve changed my mind rather recently,” he adds, avoiding your gaze completely. “and if that person is still… mending themselves, i am willing to wait.”

“even if it is long? what if it’s years?” there is no teasing in your tone, now. you are undoubtedly serious. you enjoy yeosang, you enjoy him being around you. but you wouldn’t ever want to hold him back from something he wants. no matter how much it’d hurt you - that devastation you felt yourself was enough. having the kind man in front of you experience even a fraction of what you have felt is terrible to fathom.

“love,” his hand reaches out, covering yours. though he insists that he’s not cold, you can feel it on his skin. but the word that he’s just said, let slip from his lips. love.

he called you love.

“i will wait for you,” he does not look away from you. “i will wait years if i have to.”

“yeosang, we’ve known each other for only a few months,” you shake your head, “it’s ridiculous to hold yourself back from someone you barely know.”

his fingers wrap around yours, humming, “right? i, i’ve met so many people in my life. but relationships were something i just did not desire. but,” he laughs. “your presence might have changed it all for me.”

you could only giggle, placing your free hand against your face, holding in your embarrassment. you are not one to declare your feelings as forward as he could. after a couple of seconds of letting his words sink in, you look back at him. his gaze is so clearly unswayed, held tilted barely as it rests on his hand.

“okay.”

“okay?” his brow raises.

“okay, i’m okay with that.”

his smile only grows, “so am i.”

-

though the two of you have never uttered that you were partners, you are exclusively seeing one another in a sense. he often rested at your place – on the couch, never in your room. you never went inside his place, though you’ve seen the outside of it. a tall building, one in a district you’ve avoided your whole life. yeosang never bragged about how much money he earned, but he told you that he was wealthy. enough so that he only traveled once or twice a month for work. he said it was business but again, didn’t elaborate. at the time you should have questioned him more about it but he changed the subject before your mind could truly settle on it.

and one night, out of the blue, he invites you to his place. you decided to go to the convenience store just before, stepping inside the well-lit area, scanning the ramyeon shelves. a startled oh pulls your attention away from the assortment, looking to your side.

if it were possible for a heart to physically shatter, this moment would be it. choi san stands there, eyes wide, hands wrapped around a bag of chips. he looks nervous and worried, glancing back then looking at you. your smile is strained. you grab whatever is in reach, turning down the aisle and going to the register. the employee greets you but you can’t muster a response, hand gripping the curve of the counter. thoughts elsewhere.

you never thought you’d run into any of them ever again, especially since hongjoong told you yourself that no one really ventured in this neighborhood. you wish he were here now to distract you from your inner turmoil. you thank the employee with your eyes, not bothering to look around and exiting the store.

“y/n, please wait!”

you hear his voice behind you. running would be silly, and you’re an adult right? dealing with your issues in person, rather than running from them. that’s what you’re supposed to do. so despite the sorrow and hurt that is merely simmering at the surface, you look at san. he looks as handsome as he always does, though his eyes are moist now, hands wrapped around his bag. he stops once he sees you turned around.

“hi, san.” you say, “i have somewhere to be–”

“i didn’t think it through,” he starts promptly, not bothering to greet you properly. “i thought it was just another hookup, y/n. fuck, i mean, i didn't know he liked me like that. or had feelings that were more than just wanting to fuck. everyone around that place knows how i am, i just," san sighs loudly. his fingers trembled as he pushed them through his hair. "seonghwa is a good guy. one of the best i know. i'd never break his heart on purpose. i didn't know what to do anymore. i wanted to tell you what i felt so i was going to. and then you left the place entirely so i couldn't even talk to you about it and–"

"i don't blame you, san," you say softly, noticing his spiral. "i don't think he blames you either. he takes stuff like this hard, that's all. seonghwa doesn't hate you, he doesn't hate anyone. but i doubt you'd be the same if the person you like rejects you. it takes a while to get back to yourself. this is him taking that time."

he rubs his face, nodding at your words. "you think so?"

"we were best friends for longer than i can count. i know– knew, him better than i know myself. i'm more than sure."

“i didn’t know you had a thing for him, y/n. i said it at the time because i didn't know how to let him down easy. i really didn't know it was true.”

there it is. the conversation you’ve avoided for months now. the heartbreak that you’ve hidden so deeply inside of you. yeosang never mentioned it and neither did you. but seeing san, knowing that his hookup with seonghwa is what started it all. it’s not his fault, but seeing him again now, in front of you, makes it harder. you rub your face, closing your eyes.

“i didn’t know either, san. but it’s been a long time since it happened. we shouldn’t let something so long ago bother us now. i’m okay.”

relief seems to sink into him, “i’m sorry. and i’m sorry for telling him, it was shitty of me.”

“it’s okay, you don’t need to apologize. things happen. but i’m okay now. it’s okay.”

“right, you are,” his gaze flicks to how your hand trembles as you hold your bag. “there’s so much more to say, but i don’t want to hold you up any longer. you probably have somewhere to be.”

“i do, but thank you,” you pause. “thank you for stopping me too. i hope you’re well. i hope you and everyone else at the place are healthy. send them my greetings.”

“i will,” he smiles, dimples intending his cheeks. san has always been a kind man. you’ve never had any ill will towards him, he just ended up in the middle of it all. “i’m sure seonghwa would like to hear that.”

–

your hair sticks to your forehead. makeup trickles down your cheeks, staining your shirt. your plastic bag grew too heavy for you to hold, sitting on the side of you as you stare out into the streets. you haven’t moved from the front of the market.

your phone ran out of charge long ago, tucked inside your bag. you tried to grab it, knowing that yeosang probably called, but you couldn’t bring yourself to answer. the incident with seonghwa was months ago, it was so long ago. you shouldn’t be this upset.

you shouldn’t be this hurt.

hearing his name after such a long time, you thought you’d be okay. you thought that you would handle it easily. but his name, along with seeing san? it was all too much.

is there something wrong with you? he didn’t die, he’s probably living well without you. and yet you mourn. your tears hidden beneath the rain, body shivering. you should try to get to yeosang. let him know you’re okay.

you should do that.

you look down at the sidewalk beneath you. people walk past. some have glanced at you, but none have pulled you from this. what is this? why can’t you describe it?

you’re cold.

“hey.”

you barely look up from where you are. an older man stands there, vaguely familiar. you think back for a moment – ah, the employee in the store. mustering up words is just too much effort now. so you meekly nod, water splattering against your face. his hand touches your shoulder and you tense up.

“a pretty woman like you shouldn't be out here alone.”

your lips tremble, nudging his hand away. he only tightens his grip, your eyes widening. your chest tightens, body unwilling to move. you've never been in such a situation, filled with too much fear to force your mind out of its despair. just as he begins to lean down, a loud sound fills your ears. you close your eyes, the ringing harsh against your temple. enough so that it consumes your thoughts.

you should call him.

the hum of a car stops in front of you. the door slamming should have startled you, but you’ve grown too numb from the sound to react. you feel those familiar cold hands on your cheeks. it’s enough for you to look up. the mark looks darker in this low light, brown against his temple, fading into the curve of his eyes. his thumbs rub your cheeks, eyes flicking between yours. neither of you say a word, but you feel how he pulls you into his chest. you cannot remember when the sobs began. but they engulf you, hands finally able to move, arms wrapped around his body as he pulls you into him. you’re too overwhelmed to say anything, but you hear him. you hear his words.

i’m here for you.

i know, i know.

it hurts a lot, i know.

let’s get you somewhere warm.

–

you sit on his sofa. he’s given you his clothing to change into, an older pair of sweats and sweater. he hasn’t touched you since bringing you back to his place, careful to avoid your skin. a cup of steaming medicinal tea sits on the small coffee table, cookies you love next to it. your eyes flick to the screen, television playing your favorite cartoon.

yeosang does not say a word as he cooks in the kitchen, humming every once in a while. he has not broken the silence and neither have you. your heart has settled down a bit, enough for you to speak. are you scared to start? yes. yeosang has never been once to pry, always allowing you your own space to say what you wanted. it’s something you’ve admired since you’ve met him. there was never any pushing from him. he let you open up yourself.

“it was san,” your voice is low. you’re afraid that he has not heard you at all, but his humming stops.

“the hookup?”

you thank him silently for his good memory. “yes. he… we ran into each other inside that convenience store. he said sorry for everything. then he said his name, and i…”

you couldn’t breathe.

“it hurt.”

“it did,” you murmur. “i thought it’d be fine, speaking to him. since it’s been so long, i thought i’d be fine. but i wasn’t, yeosang. it felt like the first day that i told seonghwa to never speak to me again. it just felt like too much.”

“you have yet to mourn what you’ve lost, love,” yeosang enters the living room, sitting on the couch across from you. “it will hurt for a while even if you’ve accepted that he was no longer in your life. he’s your best friend.”

“was,” you correct. yeosang doesn’t comment on that, continuing.

“it will take time.”

you hide your face, sighing. “and i’ve only just opened myself up to you because i was afraid of my hurt. i cannot believe i let you see me that way.”

“you know that that doesn't bother me. we care for each other, y/n. i hope that we can see each other at our best and at our worst.”

“that’s the thing,” you look up. “you’ve been seeing me at my worst this whole time, you haven’t even seen me at my best and yet you’ve stayed.”

yeosang looks at you, hand resting on his knee. he closes his eyes for a moment, breathing slowly. “that is because i haven’t told you all of what i’ve been dealt, y/n.”

you can feel that ill feeling slowly come back. he seems to sense it, quickly speaking.

“it is nothing against you, that i assure you. but this might not be the best time to say anything more. you are still hurt. i’d rather you not be overwhelmed with it all.”

“are you a criminal or something?” you joke, though there is a bit of curiosity within the jab. yeosang has not shown you anything negative so you cannot quite guess what he’s hiding. you haven’t seen his family yet or friends, so maybe it’s that? letting your mind wander will only make it worse.

“no.”

“yeosang–”

"i’m a vampire."

"and i am a fairy," you snort, rolling your eyes. yeosang thinks for a moment, eyes flicking over yours.

"i'd believe it since your beauty matches one of the fae, but your personality does not. there's not a conniving cell in your body, love."

“you’re joking,” your brows furrow, staring at him. he does not give you the usual small smile, nor does he laugh at your confusion. no, all he does is stare at you, waiting for a response. you can only look at him, eyes flicking over his face. oh, you’ve fallen for a man who lost his mind, then?

your luck just seems to continuously run out.

“you look like you’re going to run,” he says, attempting to reach you. you move away, and he does not try to chase you. he observes you as you stand from your spot, body tensing the more you look at him.

his beauty has always been something you’ve noticed, something that’s occupied your mind more times than not. but you’ve seen him eating, seen him drink coffee and swallow slices of pizza with you. from what you’ve learned of vampires (via various forms of media), they cannot stomach human food.

“how?”

he shrugs, “it has been a millennia, y/n, and i still don’t have the answer to that.”

“i mean,” you wave your hands around. “you’ve eaten food with me, you’ve had drinks with me. you’ve done all of that, and not once have i seen you drink blood.” your stomach turns at the thought. “yeosang, you’re joking with me, right? this is just a weird test or something?”

“what would i be testing on you, love?”

“i don’t know–”

“y/n, listen to me carefully.” he still does not move from his spot, but his eyes meet yours, his lips trembling slightly. “i was born as a vampire. i was not turned into this creature. i have met several of my kind over the centuries. most of us avoid one another since we are not really friendly. we stay on our own most of our lives. there may be times where you see one or two together, but rarely more than that. i am alone,” he says slowly. “i have not told a human soul what i am since i was a child. you are the only one who knows, on this earth.”

“because people would think you’re out of your mind?”

“that,” he agrees. “and because i am rare, one of less than a hundred. and humans are fond of dissecting things they do not understand. though my life has been long, i have still a lot of it left. i’d rather not die early.”

his words are just unreal. no matter how he explains it to you, you just cannot accept them as true. he seems to know that as well, sighing softly. “you do not believe me?”

“i believe that you think that’s what you are. have you ever seen a doctor for your condition?”

“y/n, as i have told you–”

“right,” you nod slowly. “the whole i’m-the-only-human-who-knows thing.”

“would you like me to prove it to you?" he does not wait for an answer, standing up from his spot and walking off. you do not follow, eyes widening when you see him come back with a knife in his hand. he sits down at the coffee table, legs folded. “this is the only way you’d believe me.”

“yeosang, i believe you,” you watch as he lifts the knife. “yeosang!”

his eyes meet yours briefly, smiling, “don’t worry.” he drops it, the chopping sound echoing around you. you scream, hands rushing to cover your eyes. the sound is horrid, there is no description of how the slicing of flesh resonates. the metal clings as it hits the floor. there is no howl of pain, no sound of him falling to the floor with the knife. nothing at all. you’re terrified to open your hands and see what he’s done.

“you have to look quickly before it heals, y/n,” he says softly. “please, do this one thing for me.”

“i swear, yeosang,” you hesitantly look at him, flinching once you see what’s in front of you. there are no splatters of blood. his hand is not on his wrist at all. but what you do see, oh, it’s indescribable. his amputated hand slowly slides back to his wrist stump. the sound is like bones cracking as it attaches itself. the two of you watch, skin sinking into each other, smoothing over until it appears that nothing has happened at all.

you’re stunned.

“you are all i can trust,” he says, wiggling his fingers. “this might be a lot to take in but–”

you raise your hand, “hold on.”

as moronous his confession is, it makes sense, oddly. sure, there’s no possible explanation for how he could possibly chop off his wrist, especially without as much as a scream from him. but what is his purpose - has he planned this all to entrap you? you care for him dearly, possibly love him. is this his goal all along, have you involved enough so you’re unable to leave his side? unable to make rational decisions? you from months ago would have ran out the room from a confession like this, but you just cannot. you look at your yeosang sitting on the floor, waiting for you to speak. he has not moved ever since you have, has not attempted to stop you from going anywhere. you’ve even tested it, taking a slight step back. still, not a muscle twitches.

there are several conclusions you can come to, but one is certain - yeosang at least believes that he’s a vampire. and that should utterly terrify you. but he is still your yeosang, even if he indulges in blood once in a while. and he just chopped off his hand.

for fucks sake, are you that desperate for human connection that you'll hang around a blood drinker?

are you mad?

  “y/n?” he interrupts the quiet. “you can leave if you want to. i won’t stop you if this is too much.”

that’s your yeosang, ever so caring, ever so thoughtful.

“you’re not lying?” you ask again. “you’re a vampire?”

“yes.”

“a good one?”

his lip twitches, “that's subjective, but i try to be.”

“why are you telling me now?”

he looks away from you for the first time tonight, gaze out the windows. you haven’t had the chance to look around his place because you’ve been too stuck in your sorrow, but it is him. a penthouse, but him. the city looks into the apartment as he begins.

“after seeing you so destroyed tonight, i couldn’t let myself go another day without saying it. i should have told you so long ago, but i didn’t know how involved we’d be. i thought it would be a short time we’d see each other. but i enjoy being around you. there has not gone a day since we’ve met each other at that bar that i haven’t thought of you. and it is utterly terrifying. so hiding this secret from you… i could no longer do it. i needed to know that you were not scared of me before continuing to be around you.”

“how do you know i’m not afraid?”

his smile is small, not reaching his eyes. “i have seen true terror in my lifetime, y/n. i know it when i see it.”

“if i decided i didn’t want to be this with you? what then?”

“it would be hard, but i would let you go, y/n. you’re not trapped here, you’ll never be,” he rubs his face. “do you hear me, truly? you can leave now and never come back, and that would be the end of us.”

you don’t want this to end. in fact, the mere thought of never seeing yeosang again makes you ill. you care too much for him to just go, even with information like this. so, he’s a vampire. he drinks blood. there could be worse things, no?

you cannot even believe your own thoughts.

“this is fine,” you say aloud, nodding slowly. you think back to when you were outside of the store, when that older man began to bother you. you look at yeosang. he came within seconds of that happening, barely a minute passed. it wasn’t him who helped you, was it?

“did you hurt that old man?”

yeosang stares at you, eyes flicking between the two of yours. “no.”

“are you lying?”

“i did not hurt him, y/n. i grabbed him, yes, and pulled him away from you. i told him to never touch you again, to never touch anyone else again, or else i would hurt him,” he looks down at his hands. “i wanted to kill him, if you were going to ask that next. i wanted to very badly, but i didn’t. you needed me, and i couldn’t let anyone distract me from that.”

you believe him. despite the strange circumstances, you do. you take a step closer to him, his movements frozen. your hand reaches for his, the obvious cool temperature of his making more sense now. “thank you.”

he lifts your hand, lips pressing against the surface. “you’re welcome.”

-

things changed after that.

neither you nor yeosang bring up anything that occurred that night. he does not press you about san and you don’t bring it up at all. things have progressed slightly. his tenderness is never ending; hands caressing the soft skin of your hips, lips brushing against your neck and collarbone. there’s a bit of excitement when he does that as well – knowing his true nature. he hasn’t hinted that he wants to feed off of you. you know it is due to your fear, deep down. he drinks from blood bags stored in his freezer, heating them up in the microwave. he avoids you entirely as he does so, brushing his teeth and washing himself before settling in the same room with you again. you’ve told him he didn’t need to do anything like that, that you care for him as he is, but he confessed that it’s difficult for him to be around you after drinking, bloodlust at the surface. and he’d rather you not see him that way.

“alarmingly disturbing,” he notes, nose wrinkling at the movie poster. you merely roll your eyes, passing him his small cup of soda as you walk through the outdoor mall.

“i’m sure i saw you cry at the end.”

his eyes widen, “i cannot cry, you know that well.”

“yeah yeah.”

you insisted on him going with you after his confession that he’s never entered a theater. it is magical to be with someone when they’re doing something they’ve never done before. his soft eyes widening at the large screen, words mumbled into your ear at certain scenes. his hand still hasn’t left yours after it ended.

his fingers tighten around yours as he points at the decorations, “it’s the middle of january and yet the decor is still up from the holidays. i never celebrated much but,” he takes a sip of his soda. “it is heartwarming.”

“remind you of the movie?” you grin, and he only frowns. you laugh, nudging him slightly. “it was a pretty somber ending, i know.”

“they both followed different paths, but they met each other again. i…” he sighs. “i know it’s supposed to reflect a realistic path, but they could have been together. they both wanted it.”

“some things don’t work out even if they do want each other.”

his gaze slides to yours, and your smile slips slightly, already suspecting where his thoughts lie. you look away from him, “don’t give me that look.”

“what look?” his voice is smaller this time.

“you know what look i’m talking about.”

“y/n…”

“i can’t, not right now.”

“i’m not pushing you to say anything, you know that.”

“i know.”

“but i want you to settle your feelings. it’s not good to keep it all inside of you,” he stops walking, straw away from his mouth. his brows furrowed in concentration, thinking. “i cannot believe i’m about to say this.”

“yeosang…”

his fingers loosen slightly, but he does not let go. “i fear that my love for you is much more than what should be allowed,” his eyes are moist, unable to leave yours. “surrendering myself to you is a choice i have made, but it is quite mad, is it not? committing my heart to you without knowing what you feel about me. i know you like me, i know that. you wouldn’t let me be around you otherwise. i have now trusted you with my secret, with all of these things, and not once have i felt fearful of you telling someone. the only fear i've felt is losing you.” he shakes his head slowly. “you are a human. i have fallen for a human. a human who is heartbroken over a love that she has lost. i know this, and i stand here telling you that i love you. is it not stupid?”

it is not a question for you to answer, rhetorical even, but you decide to respond. “it’s a bit stupid.”

he laughs dryly. “it is.”

“but you have done it anyway. it’s stupid, but maybe even idiotic,” you go on, his expression worsening at your words. “you know what is even more stupid? me, watching you struggle to confess in front of me and not admitting that i feel the same way for you.” his eyes widened. you swallow slowly, blinking slowly. “we shouldn’t love each other this way, yeosang. not after that night, not after me breaking down from hearing seonghwa’s name.”

“we shouldn’t, love.”

“but we do anyway,” you smile. “stupid.”

“completely.”

his gaze settles on yours, before flicking down to your lips. your breath hitches at the glance, until he looks away. “i must warm up the car before you enter, i can be back quickly,” just as he is about to step away from you, you grab his arm. he does not move, even as you move closer.

“can we…”

his body trembles at your hand against the skin of his neck. “y/n…”

“it will be quick.”

his resolve is breaking the longer he looks down at you. his hand reaches up, pulling your face closer to his. "i would love to, y/n. but your heart still belongs to him, even if it’s small," he whispers, a breath away from your lips. he feels how your breath hitches, how your hold on him loosens. he would have pulled away but he knows you need this. knows you need to hear what he has to say. "i know you're still in love with him, y/n. pushing it deeper and deeper will only make it worse when you see him again. don't pretend in front of me, please."

you move your face away, eyes moving to his. you expected hurt, anger, sorrow. regret, even. but nothing like that meets your gaze. empathy. brows furrowed, lips parted. his thumb brushes against your cheek, wiping away a tear that falls.

oh, you're crying.

you touch your cheek, swallowing slowly. "i thought it would go away."

"if only that were so easy," his face relaxes. "you have to go see him again."

"i can't do that."

"he's your best friend."

"was," you correct once more. "he was my best friend. then i pushed him away because i was afraid. i let my phone ring until i blocked his number because he wouldn't stop calling. i let him move on, yeosang. i let him go."

he presses his forehead against yours. you welcome the cool temperature of his skin, shivering slightly. "that's not letting him go. that's removing him from your life with force. he never wanted to leave your side."

"you don't know anything."

"i've seen seonghwa, pretty."

you still. “what?”

"i saw him not too long after meeting you. he was broken," he admits. you've known him long enough to tell when he's choosing his words carefully. for your benefit. "he was with a friend crying at the bar. weeping. his body shook. i didn't know who he was at the time, but it looked as if he was struck by grief. i planned on walking over to confront him, perhaps take away some of his burden, but then i heard your name slip from his lips. i've lived long enough not to believe in coincidences. he was sobbing your name. a man sobbing another's name with such raw emotion could not be angry with you. he was mourning the relationship the two of you had. i know i may be overstepping, but please see him. just one time, speak to him. i need you to."

no.

san saying his name in front of you tonight was enough to stun you. seeing seonghwa again… you cannot.

you won’t.

“no.”

his hand leaves your face. he presses a light kiss to your temple, your eyelids fluttering at the contact. in typical yeosang fashion, he says, “okay, pretty.” he makes sure you’re looking at him when he smiles, squeezing your hand as he pulls you along with him. his humming fills the silence as you walk, as if nothing happened.

you cannot help yourself.

“yeosang, you’re not upset? about any of this?”

"why would i be?” his brow raises.

you’re not sure how to answer that.

he continues, “i am yours, y/n. that is why i am so persistent on you seeing him. i don't want you to live in regret being with me when the man you also love is not too far away."

"i don't want to leave you." and it's true. you've spent the last few months with him, by his side. having him ripped away would only make your mental condition worsen. yes, you shouldn't depend on another's presence for comfort so deeply and you're learning slowly not to, but leaving him now will only make it worse. you love him without ever uttering the words. you love him more than you can describe. "i can't leave you."

"listen to my words carefully, love," he stops moving, looking up at you. "i am not leaving you. i will never dream of it. i am in love with you, y/n. i've never said it before tonight i know, but i am. and i do not plan on ever leaving your side unless you want me to, understand? so i don't mind, if something happens between you and seonghwa, i don't mind it."

“nothing is going to happen.”

he nods slowly, “alright. shall we go?” he gestures to the guards in front of you, the sounds of stores dropping their gates and locking their doors. “we’ll discuss this more at a later time. i can make you something when we get back.”

-

that night is the last time he has ever pushed you, though slightly, into confessing your feelings to seonghwa, and your apology. hongjoong is elated when you tell him of your new relationship status, though you could see the slight worry dwelling as well. he knows as well as yeosang how badly your heart is hurt. you trust yeosang not to hurt you - he has never done anything remotely close to battering it. but that’s not what they’re both worried about.

his words linger. the two of you flourish in your relationship, though he has never once let his lips touch yours. you’re not sure if it’s his gentle nature or if he does not want to touch you that way until you’ve settled your feelings, but it does sting a bit. each time you initiate he turns his cheek for your touch to be placed there.

the intimacy avoidance just continues to grow.

after one of his after-feeding showers, you sit at his counter. head resting on your folded hands, watching the world just outside this apartment. too consumed in your own thoughts. you don’t bother leaning into his touch when his lips kiss the back of your neck. thumb rubbing the back of your arm. you don’t flinch at all, that in itself is concerning enough for yeosang to stop at the fridge.

“y/n? are you alright?”

“fine.”

he closes the fridge, moving around the counter to stand in front of you. he wears a loose graphic tee you’ve gifted him, his sweatpants that you wore that night covering his legs. his head tilts. you’ve always found that habit of his endearing, but right now you’re too annoyed and frustrated to have it affect you. his frown deepens when you don’t meet his eyes.

“pretty girl.”

those words almost get you. you close your eyes now, moving your head to rest on your hands instead, face hidden. “fine, yeo.”

the guilt of this situation begins to riddle within you. there is no obligation for him to do anything with you and you’d never force the situation, but your own desires are sitting at the surface. yeosang walks around the table, his hand brushing over your skin, draping himself over your hunched over body, it’s comforting, his sweet scent wrapping around you. you feel the brush of his nose against the back of your ear, breath tickling your skin. you tense.

yeosang stops, though he does not let you go. “you’re upset with me?”

“i’m not.”

“i can’t read your mind, but i can tell when something’s up, y/n. did i do something?”

“yeosang,” you sigh, body trembling when you feel the brush of his lips on your earlobe. unable to take the closeness without your mind wandering elsewhere, your chair slides harshly against the tiles. you stand up and move away from him, fists tucked to your sides. his brow furrows as he looks at you, head tilting. “i can’t concentrate when you’re that close.”

“okay, that's fine. but we can’t move forward if you don’t tell me what’s upsetting you,” he takes the spot you were once in, sitting on the edge of the stool. his legs are apart, fabric tight against his thighs. leaving nothing to the imagination.

oh how your suffering continues.

“are we moving too fast?” he asks after a moment. “should we take a moment to think this through?”

“no!” your voice is louder than you’d like, the teasing of a grin on his lips. “no, we don’t need to go slower than we already are.” you stop, sighing. “i don’t know how to say it.”

“you want me,” he says simply, taking a sip of your water. “since you said ‘slower than we already are’, you want us to take a larger step in our relationship. am i correct?”

flustered at his quickness, you nod. he hums, thumb rubbing the condensation of the small glass cup. your gaze follows his movements, room temperature increasing by the second. you only look away when yeosang speaks up again.

“it’s not like i don’t want you, pretty,” he places the glass on the countertop, looking at you. “do you know how difficult it is for me to not touch you? i am a predator, my smell is heightened. everytime i’m in a room with you all i smell is you, all i want is you,” he says simply, laughing at the expression forming on your face. “it’s not all i think about, but it’s very prominent in my mind.”

“then what’s wrong?”

his smile wavers, “you know what’s wrong, pretty girl. i said it when we confessed to each other. i need you to speak to him again.”

“yeosang, i told you how i felt.”

“i know, and i accepted your choice. but i just,” a long exhale escapes his lips. “i want you so badly, so desperately, but i cannot move forward until you settle your own feelings with seonghwa. i don’t want you to think i’m forcing you to do anything because that’s not my intention at all. i’m sorry if the thought crossed your mind about me not wanting you sexually because i truly do. but you’re not fully here with me, y/n. and i fear you never will be unless you see him again. i don't want you to live with the regret of what could have been.”

you hate it. you hate that you want to accuse him of manipulating you into a conversation with seonghwa, though he is not forcing it upon you. you thought you could hide your feelings, thought that with time, you would no longer think of him because you have the man in front of you. but you have. you haven’t stopped thinking of him since you ran into san. it is like he’s embedded himself in your brain. you thought you’d be okay enough to move forward with yeosang, love him with everything you have, but you can’t. he’s right. it wouldn’t be fair to him if you let this feeling continue.

yeosang lets his words settle within you.

“okay.”

“okay?” his brow raises.

“i think i’m ready to talk to him.”

he looks at your eyes, nodding slowly. “it will be good for you.”

the question still lingers, though; what’ll be the outcome? what if seonghwa breaks you - what if he repairs you? what if at that moment, you forget about yeosang, forget about all of this? you can’t do that to him. you love him more than you can describe, but feelings can change in a moment.

“y/n.”

you’re not sure when he stood up, coming closer to you. he holds your head in his hands, eyes flicking between yours. “i love you too dearly for me to be upset if you left me for him.”

“how did you…”

oh. you definitely said that all out loud.

“i don’t want anything to happen,” you whisper. “something could happen.”

“it may. but i myself, i am not…” he thinks for a moment. “i wouldn’t mind opening this relationship for you, if your feelings match one another's.”

now this is something the both of you have never discussed. he picks up on the alarm in your expression, continuing. “i never really desired anyone like this before. i’ve fucked, yes, but relationships didn’t really happen for me. that is something i’ve glossed over a bit in the past,” he looks away. “my relationships consisted of me only having sex with another, but not really a partnership. nothing that i would consider to be a full blown relationship. but with you, i wouldn’t mind sharing you. you are too wonderful for me to ever deny your desires for humans. there are some things that i’ll never be able to give you,” his hand brushes against your cheek. “like warmth. and someone to grow old with, a child. i will remain this age and you won't.”

that thought lingered in your mind as you've spent time with him. being a vampire isn't something you want for yourself, even if you love yeosang dearly. you're not even sure how that process works because you didn't desire it so you never asked. but opening your relationship? you never thought about being polyamorous.

“this is confusing,” you murmur. he presses a kiss to your forehead. “i don't know yeosang, this is a lot to take in.”

“it is,” he agrees. “i'm here for you if there are any questions.”

the conversation turns away from seonghwa a bit as you have an open conversation with one another. yeosang explains how he does not really have a label for himself, living his immortal life with eyes open. you yourself have attraction to all sorts of people, fitting for how yeosang views himself. it is odd that though you two haven't spoken about it, you're so similar. he also explains that he does not see himself seeing anyone but you in your lifetime, and insists that he tell you if something changed. you aren't quite sure how you'll handle the seonghwa feelings, if he even considered your own after all this time. yeosang only assures you that whatever you decide he will accept, whether it be a polyamorous relationship, monogamous with either him or yeosang, or nothing at all. his acceptance is astonishing, but he only explains that his long life has told him not to worry about small things like this.

if only you could say the same.

yeosang does not make any sort of move towards you, holding you close as you sleep in his bed. the long day brings exhaustion to settle on your shoulders. soon enough, in the cool embrace of yeosang, you fall asleep.

—

the cold chill seeps into your wool coat. yeosang insisted that you wear your thickened sweater while you were out and about, but you ignored his worried gaze and told him you'd be back soon enough. but now that you stand outside the café, hands tucked into your pockets as you wait for it to open, you regret ever not listening to his advice. you can imagine him now, soft lips protruding from their usual small smile, nose flared and brows tight with concern. the mental image only makes your own lips lift.

“he was right about the temperature,” hongjoong's eyes peer between the thickened cotton scarf wrapped around his neck and forehead. he's covered completely from head to toe in clothing his partner made for him, rosy nose the only sliver of skin shown. it's endearing to see him loved this dearly, knowing that he's sought out someone for much longer than you have. he digs into his pocket, handing you his spare mittens and a heat packet. you thank him, slipping your hands into the soft material.

“think it's an immortal thing to predict the temperature?” he asks, whining when you lightly hit his calf with his boot. “what!”

“i told you not to speak of it in public,” you discussed it with yeosang about telling your best friend. he was a bit hesitant at first, but agreed. hongjoong believed it much easier than you had, nodding in content and murmuring something about yeosang being a bit too beautiful and kind for a human. it was ridiculous reasoning at the time, but you were glad he believed you. hiding it from him would have weighted on your mind.

“I barely said anything,” he shoots you a glare. “but seriously, you should have grabbed a scarf.”

“i didn't think they'd be closed at 8am on a saturday!”

“you should have checked,” hongjoong whines, stepping closer to you. he pulls you into his side, arm wrapped around your shoulder. it’s not enough to subside the freezing temperatures, but you find it endearing nonetheless. “i used to hate it when customers waited outside just before opening. started off my day wrong.”

“we can walk around or something,” you murmur, and he laughs, nudging you slightly.

“it’ll be fine, we’re not staying long anyway.” he looks around, his laugh disappearing swiftly. you look over your shoulder to see what's caught his attention, but he turns your body away, forcing you to look the opposite direction.

“joong, what the hell?”

“it's seonghwa.”

your throat tightens up. seonghwa? he's here? fear begins to climb in you. you haven't readied yourself to approach him. it was going to happen soon, but not now. not early morning, body shivering from the brisk air. not when you're still afraid to speak to him. hongjoong moves you further away from the store. you would thank him if you could.

“hongjoong?”

seonghwa's sweet voice carries through the air. hongjoong hesitates, looking at you. he does not say a word, but his eyes tell it all. should i ignore him? should i let you go and i speak to him alone? they're still friends, that you know. you encouraged hongjoong to stay friends with him, your hurt was never his. but now, here you stand. you can either face it, deal with it, or run away again. no one would scold you for it, protecting your feelings. but how much longer can you run?

you shake your head at his questioning eyes. he settles on you for another moment, before turning around. you follow his lead.

seonghwa is as beautiful as he always is. beanie pulled over his head and covering his ears, black hair barely peeking from beneath. glasses likely tucked away in his bag. he matches the gloomy morning, long navy coat, black boots. the slight flush of his cheeks due to the low temperature. he smiles, and your heart races. his gaze moves from hongjoong’s, shifting to you.

his eyes widen, flicking over your face. eyes, nose, lips, hat, body, eyes again. his lips part, a sigh leaving them. his brows furrow, hand clenching, then relaxing. you've seen this happen before. that day on the roof, the last time you saw him. the look in his eyes is different though. it is not filled with hurt. confusion, worry.

you’re not sure what emotion has settled in his gaze.

“birdie…?” his voice cracks, looking at hongjoong briefly. how that nickname almost breaks you completely.

“hwa,” your lips tremble, but you force them to smile anyway. “hi.”

“hey,” he drags the word, blinking quickly. “hi.”

“the café is open, i'll grab a few coffees,” hongjoong looks around seonghwa. “be right back, alright?” be looks between the both of you, before leaving. the air only thickens as you two stand here alone. your rub your fingers on the hot pack in your gloves, gaze on the ground.

“i didn't think i'd ever see you again,” he admits. “it's been a long time.”

“it really has,” you agree. awkward. you were never this awkward with him. the two of you walk around the issue, the uneasiness only growing. “i–”

“i'm–”

you speak simultaneously. his cheeks darken. “you can go first.”

“no, you. i’ve said plenty since we last spoke, didn't i?”

a smile appears, though it doesn't reach his eyes. another cloud leaves his lips as he sighs, hand tugging on the loose strap of his bag. “did i fuck up back then? did i hurt you so badly that you didn't want to deal with me anymore, birdie? is that why you wanted to leave me alone?”

how easily he lets the nickname roll off his tongue. as if it hasn’t been over half a year since you’ve seen each other. as if you didn’t remove him from your life. but no. you didn’t want to leave him. you never did.

you shake your head, “never. i couldn't handle it all, i couldn't handle the way you were looking at me. it was a lot.”

“how did i look at you?”

“like you pitied me. like you were about to tell me how you felt, and i,” you weren't ready to hear his rejection. “i was scared. i didn't think that my feelings for you would be told that way. i wasn't ready for it.”

“so you then decided that it was best that you never deal with it at all?” he frowns, brows furrowing. “you didn't let us talk it out, and you ran from me. you didn't let me say anything else.”

“i messed up. i was too insecure to hear what you had to say.”

“want to go to the park for a bit?” he gestures behind the two of you. you take out your phone, sending hongjoong a quick message that you’ll be gone for a while. he sends a thumbs up back. likely aware that this was going to happen anyway.

you two walk next to each other, your hands tucked in your pockets, rubbing the heat pack. seonghwa glances at you, worry about his features. he does not say it, probably due to the situation, but you can tell it’s at the tip of his tongue.

“you look cold.”

oh, so he does say it.

“i thought we’d be out here for a few minutes,” you admit. seonghwa’s lips lift slightly.

“you are always underprepared.”

“i really am,” you shake your head. you should have grabbed that coat like yeosang asked. the two of you walk a bit further, finally arriving at the park. it’s a place the two of you have spent plenty of time at on breaks or excursions, from children to adults. seonghwa wipes off the seat of a swing, gesturing for you to sit. you do, thanking him as he takes the spot next to you. the sun is peeking above the clouds now, temperature rising slowly.

"i didn't know how i felt until you were gone, birdie," his hands are wrapped around the chains of the swing, eyes glued to the snow beneath your feet. seonghwa always radiated confidence, sureness. it was rare that you've ever seen him so vulnerable. so afraid. it makes your heart ache knowing that though it was not entirely your fault, you cause some of his anxiousness. "i was too forward when we spoke about it. overwhelmed, i think. i was so heartbroken over san that i didn't take your feelings into consideration. i let my thoughts get to me. i made you close up, i made you run. and i can tell you're about to interrupt me but just let me say this okay birdie? give me this one thing."

you nod, holding back your words.

"i fucked up when i confronted you. you were right when i didn't want you to be. i let myself get lost in the attention of the guy that i liked. but i think, no, i know that losing you made me see what i've really lost. i lost my best friend, and the one person in this world that has been by me my whole life. i was blind, i think. wait, is that right to say?" He curses himself, taking another breath. "for fucks sake, i thought id practiced this enough to say it right but it just doesn't make sense."

he peeks through his covered face, eyes softening when they meet yours. "i'm in love with you, birdie."

you shake your head, blinking quickly. "you're–"

"i'm not letting you do that," he interrupts with swiftness. "i'm not letting you say that my feelings aren't real when i know they are. it's been months of me thinking about it. this isn't some sudden epiphany. you're not a rebound to me. i wouldn't do that to you, i care too much to even consider that. not that you have to accept my feelings," he adds in. "you can tell me to fuck off and i’ll do it. a little teary-eyed, but i’d still do it."

“seonghwa.”

“i just,” he swallows, “if you don’t want anything like that with me, it’s okay. i just can’t lose you again. it’ll take time, but i’ll move on if you don’t want me that way. we can still be best friends. or at least something. i just… i can’t lose you again.”

yeosang's declaration repeats in your head over and over as you decide how to respond. your heart and head are fighting one another. there's no doubt in your love for yeosang, not even slightly. and he was right – you still love seonghwa no matter how many times you try to push the feelings away. him confessing this to you now, how does that make you feel? and how will he react once you tell him about your partner now? not taking the leap now when you're so deep into it all will only lead to regret later. and you've done enough of that the past few months to last a lifetime.

"i’m still in love with you, seonghwa," you whisper. "i thought i would get over it but i haven't. it scared me how attached i am to you, especially after a while. maybe the years have caught up to me, i’m not sure. but i still love you."

he opens his mouth to speak but you hold out your hand, stopping him. "i can't continue this conversation though, without telling you."

his brows furrow. "tell me what?"

"during our time apart i met someone, hwa," you look at him, his face crumbling immediately at the information. "i met him and i fell in love with him. and i know it hasn't been that long but it's serious. i can't imagine my life without him now."

he nods slowly, "it was presumptuous of me to think you just stayed stagnant this whole time. im sorry–"

"wait, seonghwa. yeosang and i, well, he told me to come to you. he knows how i feel about you and thought i should see you in person again to figure things out. and he is so considerate of me and my feelings, as well as your own. i don't know how to say this," you swallow, closing your eyes as you say the next words. "he knows i’m in love with you and encouraged me to pursue you while still being in a relationship with him. he doesn't mind me loving you and him at the same time. do you understand what i’m saying, hwa?"

he nods slowly, "...yes."

"and as you just said, i don't want to be presumptuous and think that you would be okay with it because it's a lot for someone to consider. it was a lot for me to even think about because i would never want to hurt either of you. if we were to decide that we would like to continue on in a romantic sense, i’ll still be dating yeosang while we're together. and vice versa. i want you to think about what i said to you and consider it before anything else is said, okay?"

"what i decide?" he repeats.

"yes. and then we will take it from there, whatever you decide seonghwa. but i just want to let you know that i love yeosang too much to leave him, if your thoughts start moving in that direction. i'll never break his heart."

“i understand,” he says simply. he digs into his pocket, glancing down at his phone. “your phone number? it’s still the same?”

you nod, and he mimics the movement. he stands up from the swing, tucking his hands back into his pockets. “okay. i, just give me a few days, y/n? just some time to figure this all out.”

“that’s fine,” you smile, and he smiles back. you stand up from the swing and without another word he pulls you into him, hands wrapping around your torso. his body is trembling as you hold him back, his face tucked into the curve of your shoulder. as quick as he holds you he lets go, giving you one last look before leaving the park.

-

seonghwa doesn’t call for over two weeks.

it worries you - he did tell you that he’d contact you soon. it hurt that there isn’t as much of a greeting sent to you, but it makes sense. you confessed to him that you were in love with someone else and said that your partner was okay with it. that could confuse anyone. so despite the circumstances you hold out hope. yeosang comforted you once you told him what happened - made you your favorite soup and desserts. it was a lot when you arrived at his apartment. not on the brink of a breakdown like before, but it took a lot out of you to suddenly have him in front of you. to confront those feelings head on without preparation.

you're resting your head on yeosang's thigh when he messages you. it's pretty simple, just a few words.

hwa: can we meet up? with your partner too.

you look up at yeosang and he's already looking down at you. his focus turns to your phone when you show it to him, brow lifting. “both of us? think he's considering it?”

“maybe,” you look at the message, hovering over the text box. “he could just be letting us know that he doesn't want anything like that.”

“he could do that without me,” yeosang points out. “there wouldn't be any reason for me to come.”

“right,” you sigh. “why am i scared to message him back? are you okay with this, yeosang? seriously okay with all of this?”

“my love,” his hand resting on the side of your face, tilting it ever so slightly. enough for your eyes to settle on his. his thumb slowly strokes your skin. “in what ways could i convince you that i am all for you? that there is next to nothing that would make me change my mind about this? you are my happiness. i have never been more okay.”

you lean into his touch, “you always know what to say.” you open the conversation, texting back.

you: i'm available and he is as well. lmk ♡

hwa: friday? joong told me you didn't work that day and either do i. if yeosang is available too.

you look up at him, and he nods.

you: yep yep, i'll see you. at the old café, right?

hwa: the only place birdie ♡

“done?” yeosang asks, finger still stroking your cheek. you nod, and he hums again, moving off the couch. he moves your head softly to the cushions where he just sat, walking over to the fridge. you never open it, watching as he grabs a blood bag.

yeosang is careful as he opens it. grabbing scissors specifically for this task, sliding it against the plastic. his hands move slow as he pours it into the small container. you never bother him as he does this, pupils dilated, locked in his own world. he never told you to not speak to him, but it felt like you couldn't interrupt the routine of his. he is already on edge whenever he does so.

you flick through the channels, until a loud splat pulls you from your surfing. you stand without thinking twice, running over to the kitchen. red covers the floor tiles, splattered against the fridge and covering the legs of the table. the harsh smell of blood fills your noise as you step back, running to the closet to grab his mop. yeosang grabs a paper towel when you come back with the device. just as you're about to help wipe it up he grabs the pole of it, stopping you in your spot.

“it's blood,” he whispers, eyes closed. “my pretty girl, would you mind going back into the living room?” his words are strained as he says it.

“yeosang-”

“now,” his eyes open, shifting to look at you. you’ve never seen his gaze look so odd. the wood cracks beneath his hold, his nose flared. you waste no time, grabbing your bag off the chair and running towards the exit. yeosang does not stop you, though you are sure he hears your frantic panting as you slip on your shoes, grabbing your coat before running out the apartment. leaving him alone to deal with the mess.

—

it's monday.

three days since you left yeosang alone.

you were petrified.

seeing yeosang that way, almost animalistic as he held himself from doing anything more – any reasonable person would be afraid, right? anyone would run from the situation entirely, not let it escalate further. this is not like a movie, you won't survive because of his adoration for you. you did not see his eyes because he hid them from you. but it wasn't a wild guess. he wasn't himself at that moment.

or, he was. it's just not something you've experienced yourself.

none of this is okay.

as you stare at your phone, his name appearing across the screen, a small heart next to his initials, your own aches. it isn't his fault, what happened. he did what he needed to do. you trusted him enough to control himself. to hold himself back from his own thoughts as the blood filled his nose. but right then, you weren't too sure. you were scared of yeosang.

admitting it only makes you feel worse.

you open his messages, several sent over the past few days.

i’m sorry.

i shouldn't feed when you're around, i made a mistake.

please answer my calls, dearest. please let me explain it to you.

i am afraid that you're afraid of me now.

i love you.

it hurts, reading them over and over. you haven't mustered the courage to listen to the voice-mails. you know yourself. you'd take off running to his apartment, not caring about your own feelings, soothing his own. it'll only lead to something like this happening again. and you're not sure you'll be able to accept the second time. or live, frankly.

“fuck you,” you murmur at yourself, holding your forehead in your hand. “call him, y/n. call him and let him speak to you.”

despite the words said aloud, despite the way your thumb hovers over the dial button, you close it completely. you grab your bag and bus card, locking the doors of your apartment.

you haven't told hongjoong what happened. he'd make sense, he'd tell you that if you're afraid now at something like blood spilling, it'd only get worse. you'll find yourself in a situation you wouldn't want. and he'd be right, partially. you will find yourself again, around him when an incident occurs. and you'll have to decide again, if you trust him enough to stay with him.

you step onto the bus, sending the driver a small smile as you scan your pass, sitting down.

yeosang explained to you simply at the time, to stay away from him when things like this happen. at that moment you weren't thinking, your over helpful nature taking over. it was your fuck up approaching him like that. but there will be times it will happen and he wouldn't be able to tell you to go away.

what then?

—

the door swings open before you get the chance to knock.

yeosang stands there. his clothing is barely on his figure, loosely thrown against his body haphazardly, barely leaving anything to throw imagination. blonde locks every which way, likely due to him running his fingers through it again and again. if it were possible for him to have eyebags you would have seen them, usually brown eyes slightly lighter in color. his eyes flick over you, his hand pulling the door open farther.

“my friend is over,” yeosang's voice is hoarse, blinking slowly. “i smelled you when you entered the building, but he didn't leave quickly enough. he'll be out of here soon.”

you hesitant to enter, already filled with anxiety from this encounter. yeosang's face breaks at the fear in your expression. there is nothing you can do to hide it – open book as always.

“his name is wooyoung, he's a vampire. he's a bit younger than i,” yeosang glances behind him. “but i trust him. he is one of few that i do.”

you trust yeosang. you do, aside from the fear. you nod simply, taking off your shoes and entering.

you spot the vampire packing up his things. he does not turn around as he does so, shoving items into his duffle bag. his appearance closely resembles yeosang's in stature, though he is a bit leaner, a black head of hair. he zips up the bag, throwing the strap on his shoulder as he turns. his beauty is not shocking from what you've experienced with yeosang. moles decorate his skin, slightly tan. his head tilts, eyes traveling over you.

it is not in appreciation.

“you are the human that frazzled yeosang,” his smile is bright and wide, though the warm greeting does not reach his eyes. “interesting that you are quite unremarkable.”

“another word of offense and i'll kill you myself,” yeosang murmurs, eyeing him from his spot near you. “leave, now.”

wooyoung rolls his eyes. “fine. but remember my words, hyung. i'll be around town for a while if you need me. goodbye, human girl. make sure to keep your window locked,” he steps past you, door slamming once he exits his apartment.

the air is solemn between the two of you. you don't blame his friend for insulting you, in fact, you'd probably do the same if places switched. but still, it did sting. quite painfully. you sit where his bag just was, looking down at your hands. it has never been awkward with him. you were able to solve simple arguments with ease this whole time. communication has never been your strong suit, but his ease of speaking helped you gain the confidence to speak up for yourself. though now, it seems as if all the progress has faltered.

“i should have warned you how i am when my mind shifts,” yeosang says softly. you watch as he sits at the kitchen island. he hasn’t looked away from you despite your hesitance to look at him in the eyes. “it was my fault that you ran away.”

“i should have left you alone. i slipped up.”

“you don’t have to blame yourself for this, y/n,” he shakes his head. “i haven’t been around humans this closely. i forget that you aren’t used to how i am when i’m hungry. i could have hurt you if you took my words for granted. i am thankful you listened when you did,” he admits, looking away. “i can control myself well, but i didn’t expect that scent to hit me so strongly. i messed up, you didn’t. you did the right thing.”

“i ignored you for days because i was scared. of you, of what you are,” you hate saying these words to him. you hate that you have to explain how you feel about it. but there’s no other way to continue if you don’t tell him. “it took me some time to let those feelings settle before i had the courage to even appear in front of you. your friend, wooyoung,” his eyes twitch at the name, but you continue. “i can tell he doesn’t like me. it makes sense, since i’ve ignored you for so long now. i’m sorry.”

“you don’t need to apologize, y/n.”

“but i want to. i want to because i can’t lose you, yeosang. i let myself dwell in my emotions again without telling you. i ran away from the problem instead of confronting it,” it is not something you’ve moved on from. “i did it again.”

“i would have went over to your home eventually,” he admits, a sly smile on his lips. “warning you beforehand, of course. but i was never going to let you slip away without an explanation. i know you care too much, and i know i care too much. neither of us would walk away from this without at least a few minutes of conversation exchanged. but,” he rubs the back of his neck. “are you still afraid of me? honesty, please.”

“i don’t know. right now, i’m okay with you being in the same room with me.”

“you haven’t looked at me since you’ve walked in, pretty girl.”

you look up from your hands. his brown eyes warm when they meet yours. you’re not afraid of this yeosang, of the sweet man in front of you. but you are somewhat scared of when he shifts into his feeding mindset. he stands, and you watch as he crouches in front of where you sit. yeosang brushes his fingers across your cheek, hands shaking, eyes flicking between yours rapidly. somewhere in your body is telling you that you should run away. But the look yeosang is giving you stops you from saying anything. he hesitates, touching the corner of your eyelid. Your eyes are moist, and you shiver under his grasp.

"how does it feel?" he asks softly.

"like I should push you away, like, like you're going to hurt me." you admit under your breath, eyes down. he leans, meeting your avoidance.

"i won't hurt you, pretty girl. i won't do anything to hurt you, please know that. do you trust me?"

you nod. he leans forward, eyes moving from yours to your lips. you clutch the chair underneath you, closing your eyes.

*are you scared of me?*

You're ripped from your thoughts, and you open your eyes. yeosang is centimeters away from your lips, his breath fanning your lips. you move one of your hands off from the chair, touching his chest. your fingers stretch out, feeling the smooth skin underneath them. you twist your fingers, trailing the curves of his muscle. your curiosity getting the best of you.

“y/n,” he breathes, chest rising and falling quickly. your mind is telling you to run, but you don't. not now. not after you're this close. you touch his adam's apple, and he gulps. he opens his eyes, their red gaze trained on yours. you stop, shocked at the change.

“i can't, i can't handle being this close to you without…” His words trail off, hands now on the back of your neck, playing with the small hairs. his hand seemed stuck in its place, not daring to move. “if you don't stop, i won't be able to stop myself from fucking you into the chair.”

you drop your hand from him, and he groans at the loss of contact, not moving. He lifts his free hand, touching your thigh. his hand travels up slowly, and you quiver, the warning signs gone within a moment. he stops at the zipper of your jeans. You close your thighs around his grasp, and his lips curve devilishly.

“do you want me to ?” he leans close, his lips brushing against the soft skin by your neck. he trails his tongue along the curve of your neck, biting lightly. “you taste so good.”

you lean into him, his lips moving up your neck, closer to yours. he smiles against your cheek, and you feel the corner of his lips touch yours. your grip on the chair tightens, almost impossibly so. he moves closer, their soft touch brushing against yours.

your eyes lock onto his, searching for any sign of doubt or hesitation. you know when he’s conflicted, the furrowed brows, the concerned gaze. often you could sense the conflict within him, the fear that something beyond his control might destroy the two of you. at that moment, none of it mattered.

“i want you to want me, y/n," his tone is desperate now, “please tell me you want me.”

his yearning hands in the air. your heart swells with a mix of emotions — desire, a bit of fear.

“i want you, yeosang.”

his lips smile against your skin, anticipation as his lips meet yours. his breaths are heavy, lip soft and cold. the chill sends a shiver down your body, but it is anything but discomfort. his tongue sliding against yours, cool temperature only making your body warm. his fingers hold the back of your neck, pulling you deeper into the kiss. soon enough. when your fingers reach up, tighten in his hair in response he grunts and deepens the kiss, spurred on by your initiative. the deeper, heavier kisses pull ragged breaths out of you, and he only stops when he senses your loss of breath.

"I need more," he confesses, his lips and breath flowing over the back of your neck. a hand slips from the back of your neck, his tongue pushes into your mouth, moving earnestly as his other hand unclasps your bra. you moan into his lips as it releases. his cool fingers move down your back slowly, tracing the curve of your spine. the shiver causes you to pull away from his kiss. “already sound so pretty,” he whispers. his other hand lets go of your neck, both sliding along the line of your body, soft grip settling at your hips. his lips are greedy against your skin, light licks and pecks left in his wake. your hands are wrapped around him, holding him close. your legs tremble as he presses you forward into the couch, hovering above you. you can feel as he leaves a mark just off your neck, your fingers flexing, nails gripping his skin as you try to keep yourself steady.

he lifts you easily off the couch, lips against your neck as he guides you into his room. though this is your first time inside, he does not give you a chance to look around, moving over to the futon and laying you down. yeosang barely breaks the kisses between you as he leans over you. his soft hands move over your exposed breasts, gasps escaping your lips. you cover your mouth with the back of your hand to repress the moan that rises up when he kisses your sensitive nipple. your body writhes beneath him as he speaks.

"hands on my shoulders," he says, trailing kisses from your lips to your ear. "keep them there please, pretty girl."

you nod, unable to hold his stare as his gaze stays on you, his hand slipping under the waistband of your sweatpants. your breaths are heavier as his fingers slip between your thighs. he’s hesitant at first, index finger dragging along the lining of your underwear. he watches you carefully as he pulls it to the side, a finger slipping over your clit. your hands tense and you let out a plea of surprise and pleasure, covering your mouth as your eyes go wide. his finger slowly rubs your clit, coaxing warm moans from your lips. his movements are erratic; slower, faster, one finger slipping inside, two.

you're shivering under him, "yeo…"

"let go, pretty," his voice is sweet, “look at me when you do.” your eyes focus on him as best they can. there's a pleased hum that comes from him, your fingers and toes flexing as the pleasure that's been building the last few minutes peaks.

"y/n," yeosang mumbles, his breath tickling your neck. his lips drag across your skin, your chest throbbing in anticipation. You place your hands on his chest, pushing slightly. Despite your heart whining at the loss of contact,

"i want more of you, y/n," he says softly, “and that is so terrifying.”

he sighs, and you stop talking. he pulls your hand, guiding you towards him and letting you fall on top of him. his back is against the bed, his blonde hair scattered across. you hold yourself up with both of your arms, hovering above him. he closes his eyes, his hands gripping your hips softly.

"this desire to please you, it consumes me. i want you to want me the same. But," his fingers slowly dances up your waist, tracing your skin, "you may not ever feel the same as I."

he rolls over, and this time, he cages you beneath him. his pupils dilate, and he looks down at his chest, "if you could only know how hard my heart would beat for you.”.

his shirt drops to the side, and you gasp, seeing the scars that cover his chest. against his skin, the ridges curve and meet each other at odd angles. many are faded over time, but you can see a small glimpse of them. yeosang doesn’t say anything, letting you take in his body. the hurt. you reach out, finger ever so lightly tracing a more prominent one. yeosang sucks in a breath but doesn’t move his eyes from yours. he lets you follow the path. your eyes swell with tears, and he brushes one that falls from your eye.

“please don’t cry,” he says softly, “all of it is from long ago, i’m okay now.” you shake your head, bringing your fingers away from him.

“it looks so painful, yeosang. i’m so sorry.”

yeosang leans down, brushing his lips against yours. he breathes in your gasps, stroking your cheek as your tears fall. your eyes flutter as his tongue slides along your lower lip. his lips move from yours, slowly dragging across your shoulder. despite just moments ago when his fingers were inside of you, you cannot help but let embarrassment sink in as he observes you.

“i cannot believe you’re here in front of me. staring at me, willingly letting me see you,” he’s holding his weight up on his knees to keep it from crushing you. “what have i done to deserve you? who knew that you would allow me to see you in such a vulnerable state?”

“i am just a human, yeosang.”

with that he smiles, hand trailing down the curve of your torso. “divinity would faint underneath your gaze.” he moves closer to you, and you feel his bulge straining against his sweats. if you look close enough, you can see a small wet stain coating the outside of the fabric. his lips continue their slow descent down your body, light pecks each time he lifts up slightly. his hands press firmly into your hips, his nails leaving small indents.

you hesitantly reach out, letting your fingers drag through his hair. he shivers at your touch, eyes darkening as he lets his tongue trail. you clench your thighs at his approach, and he whispers onto your skin. inaudible, you ask him to repeat himself once more.

“tell me if you want me to stop,” he says, finger dipping between your folds once before. It didn’t sound the same as before, but you couldn’t question him at the moment. your breath shakens, mind clouded with only him. he drags his middle finger slowly over your clit, enough to keep you on the edge, but not enough to arouse you further. you sigh in frustration.

you begin to stroke his cock, nails scraping against his skin lightly. he leans his head into the crook of your neck, sucking on your skin as your hand moves up and down his erection. yeosang stops your hand in place. he moves back away from you, kicking his slacks off his legs. you see the scars extend from his chest down his legs, and some disappearing onto his back. he sees the sadness in your eyes, and presses his lips between your brows.

“i’m okay,” he repeats, “i have you, pretty girl. i’m okay.” he wraps his arms around your torso, letting your heartbeat slow. he presses his lips to your forehead once more, before pushing you back down.

you look at him, the moonlight shining on his blonde hair, turning it into a more silver shade. he scared you before, an uneasy feeling each time you stood next to him. now, you couldn’t even remember how it felt.

yeosang looks down at his cock, his erection still prominent against his stomach. he looks back at you.

“you can still say no, and I will stop.”

he waits for your response patiently.

“i won’t say no,” you reply back, and he leans down. his cock presses against your cunt, slipping inside with a low pop. you moan, throwing your head to the side. the low moan that escapes his throat is otherworldly, his girth stretching you to your limits. every stroke to move further in has you gasping, his small whimpers barely heard over the sound of your wetness, his cool cock slipping through.

your hands reach out to touch his shoulders, and he leans closer to you, wrapping his arms around your torso. he holds you tight as his cock settles in you, his breaths shaky. you feel his hands wrap around your thighs and his body, forcing your cunt to pull him in deep. you widen your eyes as you feel his cock pulsate, almost shaking inside of you.

after you adjust to his size, he goes slow; long strokes moving in and out of your cunt at a leisurely pace.

yeosang pauses, “may i move faster?”

“please.”

he grins. he slams his cock into your cunt. you gasp, his strokes quick and deep. your muscles ache as he continues his relentless pace. fingers digging into his back, whimpers of pleasure falling from your lips.

“i love you.” you’re voice is barely above a whisper.

yeosang’s pace is already relentless, but when he hears those words fall from your lips, it’s like a switch flicked inside of him. he rears back, and slams. you squeeze tightly, and he rewards you with another slam, filling your whole completely. his pattern is erratic, moving quickly and dragging his cock along your cunt. it’s thick; you can feel every vein and lump that covers him.

the bed strains under his pace, forced away by the strength of his stroking. his lips press against your skin feverishly, his desperation to climax overwhelming. the quickness of his skin rubbing against yours, crotch smacking against you and grinding relentlessly will definitely have you sore in the morning.

yeosang pressing into you, your cunt pulsating as your nails tear the skin of his back. you yelp. the intense sensation of yeosang’s thrusts make you fall into your climax, your moans echoing around the room. your eyes flutter as he pulls you tight against him, and you feel his cock explode with cum strands hitting your walls.

you two sit there for a moment, until yeosang shifts, his body still hugging you but this time, laying on your side. his cock sits in you, slowly softening. he runs his fingers down your cheek, rubbing your skin softly. the temperature of his body pressing against yours is cool, your skin seeking his. he presses his lips to yours lightly.

"we should clean up before we sleep." you say into his skin, though unmoving.

"i'll take care of it." he says, covering you with a nearby blanket as he gets up.

-

he holds you closer to his body, breaths tickling the hairs on your neck. hours have passed, most filled with your combined sounds of pleasure. enough so that you’ve exhausted yourselves sheets in the washer, new ones beneath your freshly showered bodies. he didn’t leave you alone in there either - not that you wanted him to, of course. his stamina is endless, your flushed body against the wall as he pressed into you. the thought of it makes your body warm, legs wiggling slightly against his cool chest pressed against your back. his lips drag against your shoulder, soft kiss brushed against it.

“again?” he whispers. though you cannot see his face from this angle, you can hear the smile in his voice as he says the word.

your body aches at the thought. “yeosang, you’re insatiable.” you murmur, his arms wrapping around your center, pulling you closer into him.

“mm,” he agrees simply. “now that i’ve had you i’m not sure i can let you go that easily. and we have to christen my apartment.”

“that’s a bit blasphemous,” you snort, and he laughs. “what, i’m sure there’s at least a vampire afterlife of some sort.”

“unfortunately for me, pretty girl, if there is one, i doubt i will be experiencing it anytime soon.”

the conversation lulls after that, soft giggles and laughs filling the silence every few minutes or so. the anxiety of being around him before diminished into nothing. his chin rests on the top of your head, the rumbling of his throat as he hums vibrating against you.

“wooyoung wasn’t serious about what he said,” he says after a few minutes of silence. “he worries for me.”

“he should, he’s your friend.”

yeosang pauses for a moment, before continuing. “we were partners a long time ago.”

oh. a long time could mean so much more to him than to you, but you don’t dare interrupt, intrigued on what else he’s going to say.

“the last time it happened was about a little over a hundred years, give or take a few years. we’re well now, but in the beginning it was rough. we used each other for satisfaction every couple of decades. he came to my apartment today and mentioned our past,” yeosang’s fingers slightly tighten. “i told him i have you now. it didn’t upset him, but it did bewilder him. i’m not one to interact with humans the way that others do. i avoid your species completely, moreso out of fear of the unknown. i trust you, but i don’t trust any other human. i’ve only accepted you telling your friend because i have confidence in your decisions. if it were anyone else i’d vehemently deny it. but i digress - wooyoung will not bother you again. he may linger around my home every so often, but he’d never welcome himself into yours. we would need permission to enter, anyway.”

“do you still like him?” it is an awkward question to ask, but you’re curious. you don’t deny that yeosang has feelings for you, but you wonder if his feelings for wooyoung go beyond simply caring for a friend.

“not as you're thinking. i enjoy him being around as a friend. he brings out another side of me. but not as a partner or lover. i think we’ve grown past that part in our relationship. he seems to agree as well. and i do believe he has a partner of his own now.”

“so i have you to myself,” you grin. he cannot see it from the angle you’re resting, but he chuckles, body vibrating to the sound.

“was there ever any room for uncertainty?” he presses his lips against your hair, “are you reassuring yourself because of wooyoung, or our meeting with seonghwa coming up soon?”

how decipherable are your emotions?

“a bit of both. i want us to be okay before anything else is decided. bringing someone into a situation that isn’t stable would hurt us all. and seonghwa is my best friend,” you whisper, “i can’t hurt him again.”

“will you tell him about me?” he asks.

“i would have to if we’re all going to be in this. i can’t keep any secrets from him. and i’m sure he’ll figure it out almost immediately. he picks up on small things quickly.”

“you didn’t,” he teases.

“i just thought you were a freak,” you murmur, a gasp spilling from his lips. “nothing wrong with that!”

“and yet you stayed,” he points out.

you turn around, his hold loosening as you do so. your body faces him, hand reaching up, tracing the lining of his face. you cannot imagine yourself without him now, your identities too entwined for you to separate without hurting each other in the long run. there is little that would have made you leave him.

“yeosang,” your tone is softer, decorated with your complicated feelings. his name holds so much in your mouth each time you say it, a confession, maybe. there is little to separate the two of you — the space between your bodies unseen at first glance. his hand reaches to cup the shape of your face, thumb resting at the corner of your lips. how easy your heart picks up at the simplest touch.

“you torture me,” his lids are heavy, teeth digging into his lip. “i know you tease but my mind wanders.”

“to?”

“i cannot look at you, be with you, think about you, without love. i never really yearned or envied humans before. your lives cave out such a small amount of time it felt insignificant to desire such an existence. and yet i rest with you here, holding a breath that is neverending, afraid of leaving you. my love for you will cause me to crumble and i will never not be thankful.”

his finger catches a tear that falls down your cheek, “if it were only feasible to be with you until the end, pretty girl.”

[picturejasper20]

One thing i haven't seen talked about Vlad is that there are times that, for a brief moment, his expression gets this detail of ¨shadow¨ under his eyes. He is usually given this detail when he is shown to be very angry, scared or sad.

I don't fully know the intention of why this detail is added at times, maybe it is an stylistic choice from the storyboarder. However, the way i interpret it is that these are moments that this ¨confident villain/person act¨ that Vlad puts on in front of others falls off for a few seconds, allowing the viewer to see what Vlad is really feeling at that moment. Something i have been thinking for a while is that Vlad puts a facade in front of others, including when he is open about his intentions, to give the impression that he is confident and calculating and that he knows what he is doing. This is why i think in part we rarely get to see how Vlad truly feels, at least when it comes to his expressions.

One of the first examples of this is when in Bitter Reunions Danny tells Vlad that he will tell his parents about Vlad and him being part ghost. He brings up how Maddie would react to finding out that Vlad is Plasmius, which is followed by this expression from Vlad.

For a moment Vlad shows to be scared and worried by the idea of how Maddie would react to his ghost half- he fears being rejected by Maddie, at least enough to go along with Danny's truce and leave the Fentons to be for that moment. You can see he gets these shadow-lines under his eyes, indicating how Danny threw him off of his game, even if it was for a moment. He finds himself in a position he has to accept Danny's idea reluctantly.

In the episode The Million Dollar Ghost Vlad gets this fearful expression when he sees that Jack is about to fight him with the gloves weapon he is wearing.

Again, similar shadow lines under his eyes. In here he is shocked that he underestimated how strong Jack really is, and more so using the ghosthunting gloves. Later on he says he finds unbelievable that Jack beat him, clearly being deeply humiliated by his defeat.

One of the easiest to recognize is from his villain speech in ¨Kindred Spirits¨ when he talks about how he doesn't himself as a villain. In the part he says ¨and all i ever wanted was love¨ his expression changes to a depressing sad one.

His under eye lines are a bit more subtle, but they are still there. What is very particular about this scene is that is one of the few times Vlad is seen genuinely sad and depressed. Because, at the end of the day, his goals come from how miserable and bitterly lonely he feels despite not coming off as like that. He lives off chasing a reality that never happened and he doesn't realize he won't be able to get that.

I want to talk about the scene that Vlad and Jack have in Phantom Planet because Vlad gets a lot of these under eye lines details. I think this makes sense considering that that scene is from Vlad's point of view and not from Danny's, thus allowing us to see more glimpses of how Vlad truly feels when Danny isn't around.

Vlad first gets this detail when he is lashing out at Jack for the proto-portal accident that happened in college after Jack tells him he had ¨a lot of good fortune in his life¨. Vlad, of course, takes this very personally for a reason.

He is clearly pissed at Jack, feeling that he is still not realizing what the portal accident did to him all those years ago. He is letting it out some of all those years of resentment and anger he had been building up towards Jack and probably didn't happen to attack him right there because he had other priorities during that moment.

Vlad is later seen with eye lines multiple times when he realizes that his plan is falling apart when he learns that he can't touch the meteor. He very concerned and clearly freaking out, both because Earth is still on danger and he realizes that he still would be haunted since he revealed his villain side to the world. For once he doesn't know what to do and his persona facade is fully breaking down.

I want to highlight how terrified he looks when he sees Jack leaving him stranded in the middle of space, he even tries calling out for Jack when he sees him leave- he is desperate and he doesn't want to be left on his own in this situation, not seeing that it is too late for him to expect that Jack still sees him as his friend.

What follows then is the saddest expression that Vlad has had in the show- he is devastated as it sinks to him that his plan didn't work with the planet still being in danger, he can't go back home, has lost almost everything he has build so far and worst of all he was left more alone than he ever was.

What gets me is that he isn't shown to be angry over what happened... he just kinda resigns to his own fate and gives up, flying away not wishing to see how the Earth gets destroyed, if that happens. In a way he ends up banishing himself since he can't return to Earth without being haunted.

This ended up being more like analysis of Jack and Vlad scene from Phantom Planet but it is also about this subtle detail that gives away some interesting things about Vlad's character too. I think to an extent Vlad tries presenting himself to others as someone who is calm, intelligent and self assured but that isn't fully who he really is or how he truly feels, and hints on this can be seen when he gets taken by surprise or drops his guard down, showing that he is depressed and is fearful of certain things. It makes me wonder how he would act if dropped this persona of his more often and what things he would say in that situation.

[leyavo]

| The Bite | 5

Part five

Previous parts -> [series Masterlist]

Summary: Diplomat, delta one of the same. Human!reader starting to come down from that high and really see things for what they are. Simon tries to explain himself too. [18+] MDNI

Kyle's POV

Diplomat, delta one of the same thing. Fourth in charge when it came to a pack, but influential enough to balance out the weights and make things fair, right. Kyle was the voice of reason in a sea of controlling and power hungry shifters. Someone that made sure that every rank and role is respected. That going for humans too.

Kyle would never bite a human, he thinks it goes against the natural order. No human should have to deal with a shifters energy or be tied to it. He understands why Johnny did it though when you were young, doesn’t think it’s healthy that it’s gone on this long though. But the two of you were deeply intertwined, breaking the bond would be catastrophic.

You're still curled under the sheets in Kyle's bed, none the wiser that he's across the hall and burning a hole in the side of Simon's face. The beta's room lacking any warmth or personal touches other than the skull mask flung on the bedside table. The curtains half drawn, a sliver of sunlight glaring through the grimy window and reflecting a line on the wooden floor.

Kyle's close to Price, can't wrap his head around his need to bite a human in spite of being told no. There's no way to excuse it though, but he can address them one by one. Simon's a pro at denying himself, only doing stuff when he'd thought through all of the possible outcomes. And there's only one thing going against Simon that Kyle doesn't want to blame it on.

"We need to be united more than ever," Kyle said, pacing the free space in front of Simon. "Johnny leaving changes the dynamic of our pack, we should be going after him not taking his human, his friend."

“I’m the only one helping her," Simon snarls, teeth grinding as he clenches his jaw.

"You could have helped her by talking to Johnny, getting him to stay." One thing Kyle couldn’t do successfully, no matter how far he followed Johnny through the house and the base. No, his words did not resonate with Johnny.

Simon’s head tilts to the side and he leans back on the bed, strong arms keeping him steady. Animal like, as if Kyle’s a sheep and the beta’s the only wolf in the room. His throat on full display, but delta’s aren’t ones to lash out - doesn’t stop Simon pushing Kyle’s buttons in hopes of seeing if he does though. Of what he’s truly capable of.

“Her bodies trying to fight off the bite, you know it mimics our heats,” Simon says, his words stopping Kyle in his tracks. "You wanna' lock her in a room and send her mad? Least with me she has a choice other than an Alpha. We all know Johnny weren't going to touch her after."

Johnny did not like sharing, a tad possessive when it came to his stuff.

“Still goes in your favour though, nice little human to warm your bed.” Kyle’s not stupid, knows that even though Simon’s trying to make it easier for you, he’s also helping himself. Making sure that he benefits too. Looks like the saviour, the one you’ll probably go to instead of Price.

It made sense, there was no way you'd be able to keep up with an Alpha and for shifters the bite normally lasted a few days, but a human it could take weeks. You'd been reacting to the bond in the only way natural seeking out their warmth, their touch instead of feeling like you're burning alive. Once satisfied the symptoms weren't so noticeable, well the heat of your skin.

Your lack of knowledge for their kind going against you, all your senses betraying you since the bite. Kyle still didn’t know if it was the bite or you, that influenced your decisions. Didn’t want to turn a blind eye.

“Did you have to bite her though?” Kyle asks, folding his arms over his chest. He’d been the one to change the dressings wrapped around your bicep, teeth marks still deep and skin around it tender whenever he touched the area. You’d asked him to lick it like Simon did - something only the biter can do to reduce the pain and speed up the healing process. Kyle didn’t have the heart to tell you why he wouldn’t.

“I didn’t mean to, she bit me first.” Simon’s lips quiver at the memory, not quite a smile though. Your scent still lingers in the room, but it’s not the bedsheets, Kyle can’t quite work out where it’s coming from.

“Well did you explain why you bit her?”

Simon shakes his head and Kyle fights the urge to roll his eyes. The beta still has a long way to go when it comes to any sort of communication.

“She’s not a mind reader, Si. Tell her before the withdrawal symptoms go completely.” Kyle said, knowing that as a human you would probably overthink about every little thing, less open to talking to Simon and hearing him out. Possibly even isolate yourself till Johnny returned. That's if he ever did.

"I was gentle with her."

“Just talk to her…” Kyle says, stepping into the hallway. “And stop calling her pet. It’s wrong on so many levels.”

You stand outside of Simon’s door, hesitating as your hand hovers over the handle. He did say you could come to him whenever you needed something, anything, but what you were about to ask him twisted the bond knot in your stomach. Heat rushed to your face, an intense burning that you thought had began to dwindle, but no.

The left side of your arm numb, dull tingles dancing over your flesh. The beta’s mark on your bicep unbearable, even just laying in bed as you tried to mask the pain. Human medicine did nothing to help either, you don’t know why you tried. All you could think of was Simon’s canines dragging along your skin, a different type of ache to distract you. An itch you couldn’t quite reach.

A ferocious fire you couldn’t tame, but Simon could control it, mould it into something else. Kyle refused to, so you found yourself knocking for the devil. A lesser evil than the alpha.

Simon answers your call, split skin of his upper lip tugging a crooked smile. The lamb and the wolf, the tale your mother used to scare you with as a child. You’re starting to think this is the beast from that story. He doesn’t say anything as you enter his space and walk to the edge of his bed. You hate how his scent soothes you, doesn’t cloud your senses like the alpha’s energy. Lessens the pulsing headache and lifts the crushing weight off of your forehead.

His hot breath fans against the back of your neck, heat radiating behind you. A yelp slips from your lips as his nose traces the curve of your neck, the alphas bite and his fingers ghosting over his mark too. Your body shudders, eyes fluttering shut at the brief cooling prickle that soothes your arm.

“You know these heats are going to happen again. Every time the Alpha has one, so will you,” he murmured against your skin, his voice vibrating through his throat that’s pressed against your shoulder.

You hum, swaying as his other hand follows the curve of your hip and finds its place on your stomach, as if he can feel the bond twisting inside of you. He guides you to the bed, your knees sinking into the mattress and your hands shooting out to stop you falling face first into the strewn up duvet.

“Now, the Alpha has a heat buddy, but you, you wouldn’t have had any one,” he says, flipping you onto your back. He hovers over you, his teeth nipping his mark on your bicep and your back arches, the ache subsiding for a second until he leans back kneeling between your legs.

All you can think of is Johnny, Simon seems to read your mind though.

“I mean if you’d rather be locked in a room, that’s fine.” His palms cup the back of your knees, calloused hands tracing up your inner thighs pushing them wider apart.

Your body is still thrumming, blood writhing beneath your flesh at inhuman ability. You don’t feel yourself, but you do with Simon. When your on heat as he calls it. Maybe that’s why your body feels like an inferno. Why his touch feels like both magic and a remedy, but also a curse.

“No please,” you beg, not caring how desperate you sound. “Just want to feel better, hurts so much.” Tears threaten to spill over your lashes, but you squeeze your eyes shut ridding yourself of them.

Simon shushes you, swiping the hair that sticks to your sweat covered forehead. “It’s okay, I’ll look after you.”

The Alpha took so much from you, with the beta you had some sort of control. Less of a toll on your body too, Simon was practically comatose straight after and slept like the dead beside you. Least you got plenty of rest between each use, time to fall from the high you kept chasing in order to feel human again.

“Want to know why I bit you, little lamb,” he asks, teeth grazing his mark once again and you nod beneath him. “Because you bit me first, the feral pup’s still in me.” His hand finds the column of your throat, thumb pushing your face to the side so you could see him.

Feral, the word you feared the most growing up. Beasts that had no morals or mind, just took what they wanted without a care for anyone, but themselves. A monster hiding in the fur of a wolf. A shell of someone, a ghost.

Maybe you are the lamb after all.

Delta!Gaz 🤝 Human!reader…still need to have a talk with the Alpha. Got another character in the next part too 🤭 hope you enjoyed

I’m dyslexic so there might be mistakes/errors even though I do edit multiple times -Leya

[c-u-c-koo-4-40k]

A New Treatment - Part 2

Summary: Lullaby has managed to treat Most of Lana's issues regarding the invasive bond of the Silver menace, but the issue is by no means resolved. So now the question remains, how does one move forward when the path is blocked by an adversary that is both stubborn and lethally competent? 

Warning: Emotional Breakdown , Eavesdropping

Previous Chapter : Here 💙

Next Chapter: Currently Unknown

First in the Series : Here 💛

I must give the usual kudos to @kit-williams and @gallifreyianrosearkytiorsusan for use of their ocs!

Other awesome creators in the husbandry sphere include BUT are not limited to...

@sleepyfan-blog @egrets-not-regrets @legionsofthehungry

@passionofthesith @bispecsual @bleedingichorhearts @beckyninja

@moodymisty @boop-le-snoot @angronsjewelbeetle @jaghatai-khock

He always carries you. When will you stop being useless and carry him for a change? 

The guestroom is dark, save for the afternoon sunlight streaming through the shear curtains. You'd asked Khopesh to turn off the lights when he'd carried you in here. 

Shut up! 

Now you're both laying against the headboard of the reinforced bed, you wouldn't ask Khopesh to doff his armor in a strange place, even if you desperately want to feel his warmth and more of his skin against yours. 

You burrow your face deeper into the crook of his neck, and force yourself to drown out those awful thoughts with the sounds from his heartbeats and purring. It's not happy purring, but he's doing it to make you feel better. And you feel like if he stops holding you, your entire self will break apart. 

But you know Khopesh won't do that, but it doesn't stop the pain and the fear and the overwhelming sense that things Just Keep Getting WORSE. 

“Why do things keep getting Worse!?” You ask, partially muffled by the skin of his neck. 

Khopesh doesn't have an answer, nor do you expect him to really. But it does surprise you when he asks. “Are you…truly unhappy with our life?” 

You immediately pull back to look in his eyes. “No!” How could he even Think that? You grasp his face, mostly gently and emphatically tell him. “No! NO! Sweetness you are the Light of this life!” You plead, but nowhere near done. “You Are the warm shadows that hold and protect me at night! You're the laughter I feel in my gut when I see your face each morning and I think about your goofy antics! You're The best damn thing I've Ever been able to hold and call mine!” You promise, and pull his head to your chest. “I'm sick of anything and everything that keeps getting in the Way of that!” You growl. 

You feel Khopesh smile against your chest, as his arms wrap you closer. You both stay that way for a moment. 

“I'm…tired,” You admit, and begin running your fingers through your Khopesh's hair. “We should've been able to just stay Home today.” 

Khopesh shifts his gaze to yours. “Do you wish to leave? Because if so I will carry you out that door and you will Never have to even Think of this place again.” He promises, and you know he means it. 

You smile at his consideration, then sigh. “No…there's still more that Needs to be done.” You'd already told him Who that silver magic belonged to. “Besides…It's not Lana's fault she's caught magic jeebies from an asshole.” Your words cause Khopesh to snort and chuckle. You smile, and take a moment to just breathe in Khopesh's scent. 

The Hydras seem touched by Lana's compliment towards them. “Oh Lana…”

“...Do you regret coming here?” Khopesh asks you. 

You take a moment, and then you shake your head. “No…I don't. Because I can't regret helping someone who needed it. I just don't…like being caught off guard.”

Khopesh hmms, adjusting his hold slightly so he can trace his nose along your jaw. He inhales your breath, he can feel the pumping of your blood through your veins.

God you wish you could both be having reunion sex in the shower right now.  

You inhale deeply, and exhale. Then you repeat that a few times. You sit back and look Khopesh in the eye. “We should go back out now. Lana deserves to know what's going on.”

Khopesh smiles softly. “Then so it shall be.” He begins to shift so you can both dismount the bed. 

“But yeah when we get home we're having a LOOOOONG fucking nap. And a hot shower before that.” You declare, sliding down the bed to stand on the floor and offering your hand to Khopesh. 

The Nightlord smiles as he takes your hand and ‘pulls’ himself up to stand. “Hot as in the temperature or hot as in…” He cocks an eyebrow. 

“Both.” 

“Yes!” Khopesh purrs and walks with you to the door. 

At which point you hear some scuffling and whispering. 

“Back up dammit.”

“Can you hear anything?” 

“Even if I did I'm Not telling you and Move your elbow Hydra!” 

“Gee snappy snappy Hatchling.” 

“I am Not your hatchling!” 

“You’re certainly whining like one.” 

“Aren't you all supposed to be giving them some Space?” A voice slightly further away asks the bickering space marines. 

“Shit!”

“I Told you this wasn't your business face stealers!” 

“Oh that's rich coming from you, tell me, who snuck down here and pressed their ear to the door first?” 

“That's not!..I'm not! They are Both my Family! It's different!”

“So eavesdropping is Fine as long as it's Family. Right…”

“You all need to back up.”

“Wait, I think I hear something!” Followed by a few small sounds pressing to the door. 

You turn and smile at Khopesh who can tell you've got mischief on your mind. He smiles back and you take that exact moment to open the door. 

Thunk! THunK! THUNK! 

A stumbling gaggle of Space Marines fall into the room. Claude, then two of the Hydras…it's actually Talos and Keed, you Think. 

“Oof! Ah Brother! Lullaby! We were-I mean I- ah, I was just…” Claude fumbles. 

“Eavesdropping?” Khopesh smiles pointedly. “Really Claude I thought I taught you better.”

Claude sighs, and deflates a bit. “I know…” He works to get to his feet with a quickly muttered. “Get off.” To the hydras, who acquiesce with some more grumbling about Claude being prickly. 

“You got worried,” You address Claude as he stands, and take his armored hand. “I appreciate it sweetie. But Khopesh is right, it's better to give people space when they need it instead of hanging outside doorways.”

“Well no, I mean I taught him how to eavesdrop better than That.” Khopesh corrects. 

You turn to your Love, your Light, your shining moon with that Fucking Audacity and he greets your look with a smile. 

“The damn Audacity on you!” You chastise but there's laughter under your words. “I should make You repair the bathroom door for that!” 

Khopesh's teeth show as he smiles with delight. “Oh but my Love you Know I'm no good with builder's tools! You'll just have to find some other way to…correct me.~” He purrs, bringing his face close.

A blush erupts over your face, and you huff with a “Hush you!” before turning back to the door and proceeding on your way. 

The Hydras make room, and Khopesh follows you like a shadow once more. Claude follows on the other side and you see Anrir in the hallway. 

His ancient eyes regard you with a level look. “How are you feeling?” He asks. 

You quirk a half smile. “I'm well enough to talk about where we go from here.” You reply. “Something tells me this won't be an easy patch of road ahead, for Any of us.” You walk on, shaking your head. 

“Oh joy…” Anrir groans, but doesn't argue. 

Your group proceeds back to the living room, and the attached dining/kitchen area where sounds of upbeat chatter are emanating. 

At the table eating the various take out items the Hydra's had brought, were Lana, Orlys, and Zarius. Zariel was sat there as well, clearly taking some time to have Lana in his arms. 

If he's the busiest of the shoal he may get far less time with her. He and the others are also probably happy to see her eating well. The dining group turns to you as they see you. Lana jumps up. 

“Are you okay?” She fusses worriedly, then turns to grab a mug from the counter and a kettle of hot water. “Here, let's pour you that cup of tea I promised, any preference for type?”

You smile at her generosity. “I'll take green tea with milk and sugar if you've got it.” You pull out a chair and sit down. The others follow suit, sitting or standing in the dining area. 

Lana nods with an “Of course,” before she gathers those items, and gives them to you so you can prepare your cup. While it steeps you fold your hands and take a breath. 

Time to try…and explain. Khopesh is sitting next to you, providing you silent support. 

“So…I'm sure you're wondering why…everything.” You begin, opening your hands. “While I can't explain Everything…I can tell you what I saw. And what I Think is causing your issues.”

Lana holds her own mug, and her face shows concern for your tone. “But I thought you managed to treat me. I already feel so much better.” She assures. 

You smile, but it doesn't touch your eyes. “I've treated your current symptoms.” You correct. “But the root cause is still very much a problem. One that we'll need your input on how to address given…the exact nature of it.” 

“Okay,” Lana agrees. 

How to put this? “So…You've got what Looks like the roots of an intense bond. And the being it came from is a Silver Space Marine who attacked my Astarte friends and family and is now being held in custody.” You say. “And he knows about my abilities because I used them to help defeat him. And if he didn't already know he Definitely knows now because I was somehow able to jump into his head when I touched the main source of the silver magic. Aaaaand I'm pretty sure he wants me dead for that. Well…More dead anyway.”

A moment passes. And Everyone in the room doesn't truly know how to react, even those who already know most of this information. 

“Also I think the invasive bond is messing with the bonds from your Alpha Legion Marines And your life force in general, which caused your symptoms.” You explain further. “So if we can't get rid of the main vine the exhaustion and pain will just keep coming back as the invasive tendrils regrow.”

Lana's face is so…so heartbreakingly hurt and confused looking. Zariel holds her closer, and her other Hydras crowd around her. “But…I don't understand? How could this have happened? I've never even Met a silver space marine, let alone whoever you're talking about!?”

You bite your lip, you'd been thinking about that while decompressing, and a painful Painful possibility had come to mind. 

“I'm afraid it might be…My Fault.” You say, flexing your grasped hands together. It's a soothing motion. 

Zariel looks at you incredulously. “How on Earth could you be responsible for Any of this?” The other Hyrdas murmur similar sentiments. Keed particularly looks concerned or…frightened? 

“Lullaby…?” Khopesh asks worriedly, wrapping an arm around you. 

You take a deep breath. “When my Family had that encounter with Draco- the Silver  Space Marine. I used my powers to absorb his psychery, and empower my loved ones.” You state. “But I absorbed too much, and ended up having to expel it. I was able to ground some of it with help but…” You swallow. “The rest forced its way out in a scream.”

Anrir interjects. “Dear child, do you really think an invasive bond could form from that?”

You look to Anrir then to Lana as you speak. “We know I can help bonds form if the two parties are close enough together. And I have No Idea how far that scream traveled, but it's possible that if you happened to be in the radius it could cause some of the silver magic to…reach your soul and seed the bond?” You explain. 

“This is speculation…but I can't help but feel it's a possibility and I'm so, So Sorry, for pulling you into all this.” You say, feeling tears begin to prick at your eyes again. 

After a moment, Lana reaches out and grasps your hand. “Please don't blame yourself, I mean…you couldn't have known your power would do that. If that's even what happened in the first place.” She pleads with you through her eyes. “This is Not your fault.”

You wish you could believe that as deeply as she seems to. But before you can move to your next point, Keed speaks up. 

“Indeed, it is Not the only possibility.” He states grimly.

The others look at him, Lana included. They note his fear and…like he's remembering something painful. “Keedy?” Lana asks, reaching for him. 

Keed takes her hand, and brings it to his lips. “Forgive me my precious jewel. But I have withheld something from you.”

“Are you sure you wish to discuss it?” Zarial asks his shoal mate. But Anrir interjects. 

“After All that has happened I feel I must Insist that you do.” He says, and you feel your stomach twinge a bit at the growl under his tone. 

Orlys shoots him a look. “The experience was Not a pleasant one. Give him a moment.” 

“I will give him as many moments as he needs, but my patience is Not limitless.” Anrir responds cooly. 

“You needn't tell me twice.” Keed assures. “I did not explain this as I Hoped this could be resolved without bringing it up. In fact I'd hoped to put the entire event behind me and Never have to consider it again. But…I Too have had an Encounter, with the Space Marine you speak of.”

Khopesh's arm wraps around your shoulders just a hair tighter. “You Knew where the malignant psychery came from, and you Did Not tell us?”

“As I said, I Desperately wanted it to not be needed. I could see and recognize the psychery and it's origin…but I had No Idea that it had actually latched onto Lana as an intense bond.” Keed elaborates. “As Talos told you, we noticed Lana's condition began to deteriorate about two months ago and before the most recent Sanguinala celebration. Slightly Before that, is when…He found me.” 

You note how Keed shudders, but he composes himself quickly and continues. 

“I was just walking home after a patrol. And I suppose he thought I was an easy mark.” He growls. “It must've been shortly after he was zapped here. He…he invaded my Mind, he Plundered my memories for information.” He breathes sharply. “And I Know he could've seen Lana, there.”

Realizing what he's implying, you ask a plaintive question. “Do you think Him seeing Lana through Your memories could be enough to seed a bond?”

Keed lets out a heavy breath. “I don't know…after he'd violated my mind. He placed a mental block upon my memories so that I would not remember seeing him. Pfft! It's almost Merciful compared to what most Grey Knights would usually do.” He shakes his head. “After that I went about my normal life until my brothers pointed out the gaps in my memory, and I could get the block removed. The bastard even had the Audacity to attach a small psychic flare to the block, so that when it was undone it would lash out at whoever tried to remove it.”

He rubs the bridge of his nose as he finishes. “Fortunately, it wasn't able to cause much harm due to Ancient Terra's psychic weakening effect. I thought I could put this aside but now I Wonder…could seeing our precious jewel through My memories, or even coming home with the silver bastard's spell still attached to me…could That be the reason our Lana was affected so?”

“I…I don't know…” You hmm, and decide to mix your tea and take a sip. “But I guess no matter how it happened…we have to figure out how to move forward.”

The Hydras glance between each other, perhaps having another mental exchange. Eventually Zarius speaks. 

“What are our options?” 

It takes you a moment, but you are actually a little shaken by them addressing you so directly. I mean up until this point your figured it would be: do your magic removal services and bounce but now…

Now things are far Far more complicated, and this group of Alpha Legion who are far more experienced and dangerous than you could ever be…are looking to you for guidance. 

You glance to Anrir, who gives you a weary smile. “The ball is..How do you say? In your court my child. It has to be as you are the only one here who can affect bonds.”

You take a moment, then you nod, and fold your hands together to think. 

Then you speak. “Well the way I see it we have two options.” You announce. “Option one is leaving the intense bond as it is. I'm pretty sure it would be called…incomplete at this stage, and we develop a schedule where I can treat Lana regularly so the bond's effects don't have a chance to become so severe again. The drawbacks would of course be travel for either of us as Lana would have to come to me or vis versa. I also won't disregard the possibility of diminishing returns…no that's not the right world ah…”

“Medicinal Resistance?” Anrir supplies. 

You snap your fingers. “That! Yes, there's no guarantee my treatments will remain effective, for all we know every time we trim the bond back it could just regrow faster each time. And that's not even considering the risk of jumping into the Silver bitch's brain again by accident.” 

You lift your other hand for emphasis. “The Other option is bond rejection, if you refuse it the bond will die and wither and I'll be able to swoop in and prune it the rest of the way.” You say. “Come to think of it I might have to prune the bond from His side in order for it to be properly removed and not affect the Hydra bonds more.”

Lana leans forward. “Rejection. No question!” She states emphatically. “There's no way I'd want to be bonded to someone like that!”

A beat passes, and you almost expect to get a call from Hura about Draco thrashing in agony from the bond snapping. But…nothing seems to change. 

Lana follows up. “So…how do I do that?”

You chew and shift your lips around as you think. “Good…question. I mean in theory saying ‘I don't want this’ should be enough but…” You pull on your warp sight and…

The ugly silver Tumor is still there. You cuss under your breath. 

“Yeah of course it's not gonna be that easy…” You sigh, putting your head in your hands. 

Anrir strokes his chin. “Well…you did say the bond seems incomplete. Perhaps it must be made complete Before it can be refused?”

You stare at him. “Are you saying we have to bring Lana to Him?”

““ABSOLUTELY NOT!”” Keed and Zarius snarl in unison which startles you and causes Khopesh to grab you into his lap. 

“You must be Losing your Mind in your old age, Nightlord! If you think we'll let our Lana anywhere Near that Monster!” Zarius actually stalks over to Anrir, but before he can get properly in his face (bad idea, bad bad idea) Claude gets in his way. 

Anrir remains completely calm, but does speak slightly louder so he can be heard over Claude's defensive growls. “I believe this is your mate's choice as She is the one affected.”

Zarius's growls cut off and he whips his face towards Lana with a panicked expression. All the other Hydras look at her with similar expressions. 

Lana thinks for a moment then meets Anrir's eyes. “You know what? Yes.”

“Lana!” “Precious jewel you Cannot be serious!” “It's far too dangerous!”

“Enough.” The protests cut off with that single word, and she slides down from Zariel's lap and approaches Anrir with a confidence fueled by rage. 

“Let's go Meet this…what did you say he was?”

“Grey Knight.” 

“Fuckface, got it.” Lana nods. 

Zarius and Keed both try to plead directly with Lana. “My Pearl Please, you don't know how Dangerous he is!” “He could invade your mind and do Throne knows What to it Please Reconsider!”

Lana turns to the Hydras with a sharp look. “I want to see him. Not because he's apparently bonded to me, but Because I want to give him a damn piece of my mind!” She states. “He's made All out lives so much harder and for What!?”

Claude chimes in. “Ah…at the time he insisted the psychery inclined Scouts come with him to receive more…training. Ugh.”

“Abuse, he was going to ‘train’ them with abuse.” You supply, flexing your fingers with displeasure. 

Lana gestures emphatically at your explanations. “See!? Even if Nothing else can be done. I want to march up to that…that…that Son of a Bitch and tell him! I wanna tell him he's Damn well out of Luck because I've already got some Great Astartes for partners and I Don't Want Him!” 

“Perhaps, perhaps not my boy.” He answers, with a smile. 

Zarius cooes, wrapping her in his arms. 

The others follow soon, they're still unsure but…they love their Lana and want her to get better. 

Also seeing her chew out the Grey Knight would be Amazing, if also stressful and scary to think of her being that close to such a monstrous beast. 

Finally Talos speaks up. “You won't let him replace us right…if the bond ends up sticking?” He asks and his voice is so, so painfully genuine. 

Lana pulls back a bit so she can look him in the eye. “Never!” She promises, bringing her hand up to gently brush his face. “Even if he Didn't do all those awful things and approached me like the perfect gentleman…I'd never oust Any of you for him. You're not dolls or toys to be thrown away when a new shiny one comes. You're Mine, and you're…you're damn near the best things I've ever loved.”

“”’’💙 LANA! 💙""” The Hydras cry in unison and hold her even tighter. They press enthusiastic kisses to her face and she giggles at the ticklish feeling of being overwhelmed by affection. 

You smile at the scene, and feel a familiar warmth bloom in your chest. You turn to Khopesh, who smiles at you but is also wrinkling his nose a Little bit at the abundant PDA going on. But he can't deny he'd do the same to you if there were five of him. So he decides to focus on pressing his lips to your forehead. 

Anrir and Claude stand by, one imagining his own bonded love, and the other well…

“If I ever get bonded will I become so…forward?” Claude asks his adopted father, which causes Anrir to chuckle.