#the way you set it up was SO good tho I couldnt help myself

[gibbearish]

this version of this post has been popping off recently which makes me really happy bc of how many people are learning they might have this disorder and it can be treated, however it is also a slight bummer because this version has a lot more info on how you can treat it yourself as well. so with that, i am once again requesting assistance, pls spread this version too if you can !! it really is helping people, ive been going through the notes today to direct ppl to that version and idk it just. makes me Feel Things knowing the good that's come of this? and wanted to share a few so ppl would know like. look what we did!! look at the people we helped!!!

(once again throwing the alt under readmore)

image id: screenshots of 11 sets of tumblr tags.

the first reads "#hold the FUCKING phone youre telling me im not the only one who couldnt fit a tampon in??? #man i had several people insist to me i was just doing it wrong #i knew i wasnt #dude if i had known this years ago i know what the first thing i bought with my first paycheck would have been i stg".

the second reads "#This is literally so important. #13 year old me needed this post so badly so please let the minors see it. #it is important to know about these kinds of things early on #it is important for children to know that their pain is abnormal so that it doesn't worsen. #i didn't know i had vaginismus until i was an adult #all i knew as a kid in a religious family was that I couldn't put a tampon in without excrutiating pain #and that i was one day going to be expected to "please" my husband #which was terrifying #for an extremely long time i had a phobia of sex and birth #still kind of do at the age of 26 #and it could have been prevented had i been allowed to know about ny body as a child".

the third reads "#Sex ed #i'm actually crying #Because i didnt know other people dealt with this. i thought it was just a 'oh poor little insecure 'virgin' '''girl''' thing #i can only fit one brand of tampon in. #this is probably way too personal but i feel seen because of this post so #i mean i knew about the dilators and therapy because of my close friend but i didnt know there was a name for this."

the fourth reads "#..... #today i learned i might have vaginismus #this is the second Nickle where tumblr taught me things about myself where it's not normal #tampons aren't supposed to hurt??? insane #no wonder i felt off about vaginal penetration but i thought that was the ace in me #still is about the ace in me but it's another thing too".

the fifth reads "#no yeah this is incredibly important #like. i started crying reading this #tmi obvi given the subject matter #but like. im ace! and i had just. given up on experiencing anything with that #because im ace and i can easily 'live without it' #the idea of it never being enjoyable and always being painful even tho im emotionally neutral on the act itself like #i thought 'well. that sucks but its fine cuz its not like i crave it. im ace. i don't need it' #when like. i CAN do it it doesnt HAVE to hurt theres things that can be done and it doesnt have to be scary and awful!!!! #i knew about the dilators for the longest time. they intimidated me out of getting help because #i just didnt think i could force myself through that regularly until it 'got better' #but i can use wearable toys!!!! it doesnt have to be awkward and stiff!!!!!!! i can get help and DO something about it oh my god #i finally stopped crying but oh my god".

the sixth reads "#resource #reference #wait wait wait #this is. a THING???? #i dont use tampons because its so painful to take them our!!! #and the only ones i can get IN are the smallest size #and it takes FOREVER because its SUPER uncomfortable #youre telling me this is an actual thing and i could treat it #????????".

the seventh reads "#oh? 👁️👄👁️ #today i learned i might have... vaginismus... #thank you for making this post and sharing it 🙏 #penetration even with smaller objects has always been painful for me and i never knew why 🥲 #tmi".

the eighth reads "#SAVE #SCREAMS #on main bc its medical this is important shit".

the ninth reads "#long post #holy shit i may have to research this #would explain some things #vaginismus".

the tenth reads "#i wish id know this when i was younger #i grew up in a very religious household where purity culture was very strict #sex literally became traumatizing cuz it hurt so bad #i'm almost 30 now and working throufh that trauma and the pain of something i left untreated for a decade".

the last one reads "#OH MY GOD #THANK YOU #ARE YOU SHITTING ME #ive NEVER been able to put a tampon in and the one time i got one half-in hurt like hell #NO ONE EVER FUCKING TOLD ME THIS WAS A THING I THOUGHT I WAS JUST DOING IT QRONG #im actually crying oh my god #brb im gonna do some research #GOD FUCK #THANK YOU OP AND CONTRIBUTORS #save #save for later #important #vaginismus #sex ed". end description.

got a good grade in physical therapy because i ordered a sex toy life is fun

[saydams]

ok i've had a very stressful week so if you don't want to hear me venting skip the rest of this post!

so, the other day someone rammed their car into the side of mine while i was driving. which was scary. and wrecked my car. i am very mad about it (though it could have been worse; no one was hurt, it was the other guy's fault and he admitted it and his insurance covered everything (almost), and we didn't have to call the cops, and i was able to limp my car home).

then i had to spend 30 min on the phone with his insurance, then wait for a call back, then another hour on the phone while we got a rental car set up for the next day. ok good i handled it.

then the next day rental place never called me, i called them and waited on hold for over 30 min waiting to speak with someone, was never able to get through. it was the weekend, i assumed that the place had changed its hours or something was closed. ok. i'll try again tuesday. (monday was new years)

tuesday i spent multiple hours on phone over multiple phone calls with multiple rental locations all telling me that they couldnt get me the car reserved for me and that [other place] needed to do it. (first i called the person who was overseeing my claim, as i had been told to tell them if i had questions. they said they would make some calls and if i still hadnt gotten a car by wednesday to call them back)

tuesday ends. no car. im starting to get really scared because i need to drive myself to hospital for a procedure thurs morning, and i need to leave at 6:30am to get there in time. i can't reschedule and the buses dont run then and i dont have anyone i can ask for a ride.

i spend wednesday morning (from 8-11) alternating on the phone, crying, and crying while on the phone, which is mortifying. i do end up getting a car which is good.

now i have a rental for my appt thurs, which is a relief, but it does mean i'm driving A Car That Is Not Mine, which is awful. the sightlines are different and the seat is different and the car smells weird and i dont understand the heat vent controls. and the radio turns on every time i turn on the car which startles me every time. also the motor is so loud and i am worried something is wrong? so that's stressful.

so i left my gps in my car when the tow truck came and the guy was super nice and noticed and asked if i forgot to take it out and i panicked and said no its fine, which was the wrong answer, but i couldnt go back and change my mind becuase when someone asks me an unexpected question i always panic and say the wrong thing, unless i say the right thing and then second guess myself and correct to the wrong thing.

so now i spend the night worrying about not having my gps. hopefully it'll be ok getting tho the hospital because i go there all the time but i dont know how i'll find the mechanic shop...? (this is a problem for later i havent had to deal with it yet so im trying to to worry about it)

anyway. today is thurday, i go to hospital, give myself and extra 20 min to get there becasue i get lost constantly even with gps. i can't drive and navigate at the same time. so i go, but i get on the highway going north instead of south, even though i know how to get there AND i wrote down the directions just in case. it takes me 10 minutes of driving to realize this, and then i have to turn around, and now im only barely on time, and being late is the worst. so i am flustered from driving a weird car and going the wrong way and being late and so i accidentally take the turn to the employee lot instead of the regular lot and i realize right after i make the turn but there is a string of cars behind me and i cant back up and i dont know what to do so i go forward to the gate and i cant get in obviosuly.

so i get out of the car, panicing, and ask for help from the car behind me and they show me how to hit the intercom but no one pics up and their are so many cars waiting and finally the employee behind me scans me it with her card and i drive through to the exit so i can come back in to the regular lot and I CANT GET OUT without an employee badge either. so i have to wait until another employee comes along and willl badge me out and then i have to go back tothe street and loop back around and park and come in, then i went tothe main desk to tell them what happened to make sure someone is there to answer the intercom in case the people who helped me are now stuck and she was weird and mean and told me that i wasnt allowed in the employee parking and it wasnt my business and not to worry about it.

anyway i had my procedure and now im home and dont have to do anything else.

(in conclusion: why it took me nearly 40 years to discover i was autistic i have no idea haha)

[ackermans-freedom-inc]

Hi! Thank you for what you're doing, it means a lot! 💕 may I join the event, if it's not too much trouble? Here's my letter!

Dear Eren,

what a pathetic start, don't you think?

I'm writing this letter to you because it's undeniable now that you are very dear to me. I don't think I can be silent about my feelings anymore. I know you tried to discourage me, because a marleyan shouldn't be seen enjoying the company of an eldian, but I don't care. I know you're just trying to protect me. I've come to know you these last few months, and I've seen how thoughtful and altruistic you are. Since you've always been so nice to me...will you let me share my feelings for you? Just this once. If you want, you can reject me and we can pretend nothing happened, but I have to say it at least once.

I'm in love with you.

I've been in love with you since we first met. Remember? You were waiting in line to be admitted to the hospital in Liberio and someone knocked you over. I came to help you and our eyes met for the first time as you took my hand. That's when I knew I was doomed. I loved you even before knowing your name. After that first meeting, I started helping around the hospital a lot. I told you I usually did that to pass the time, but Eren...I lied! I spent my free time there hoping I would meet you again. And now we've become...friends, I guess? But a true friend wouldn't sit on that bench with you hoping you'll wrap an arm around her shoulder, a true friend wouldn't spend too many restless nights thinking about kissing your soft lips. A true friend wouldn't look for every excuse to slip under the covers with you and cuddle you to sleep so you don't have nightmares.

And yet here I am, wishing I could build a world in which you could be happy. I know I would be so, so happy in your arms. It doesn't matter if this world is cruel, because I found beauty in it. I found it in your loyal, selfless, impossibly big heart. I love you, and I keep loving you, and I can't help it. I don't know how to stop. I know we shouldn't be together, this society wouldn't understand. They want me to choose a man among my suitors and marry well, and the only man I want is the one I could never have. My beautiful soldier. I might be wrong, but if you feel for me even the tiniest bit of what I feel for you... say the word, and I'll run away with you in a heartbeat.

Always yours,

Mia

A/N: Heya @jaymihawk!!! Thank you so much for sending in a letter to my event! I hope you enjoy! It was no trouble at all, it was my pleasure <3

Dear Mia,

I am used to sending letters, but to receive one, from you nonetheless, was a welcome surprise.

I thought...the last time we spoke would be the last. I regretted the way I handled it, dear Mia, the moment I saw your eyes shimmer with tears. I hope you know, and understand I was merely trying to dissuade you from pursuing me. I suppose no matter the reason, it does not give me the right to have said what I did. I hurt you, and I did not want to. I..wanted to protect you, like you said.

I wanted to spend the rest of my time here with you, in the sun, your gentle hand nearby. The only partially true thing I said to you the other day...about using you - let me explain. It was my plan, yes, to get close to, and see if I could use someone who was with the hospital. Perhaps for the possibility of gaining some more food, some more free time outside, a look the other way if I snuck out the gates. And I admit, at first, that may have been who you were, and what you were to me. But Mia, believe me when I say that it was only for a moment.

The time we spent together started to grow on me, your loveliness, your stories, and the way your eyes would sparkle when the evening sun hits it...I miss it all. I echo your thoughts that perhaps, friends is something we may not be able to achieve. I long for you to come back, to me with me once more, just for one more night on the bench.

I love you as well, and if you feel up for it, please come back. Tomorrow perhaps? I shall wait for you on the bench. As always.

Eren

Mia, this part of the letter you need to destroy. Read it, and then burn it. I signed my name above to dismiss any suspicions. Understand, that what you read cannot, under any circumstances, be shared. You wanted to run away? With me? To a world where we could be happy. Tomorrow. When you come see me, pack your bags for a trip. A long one. I will explain more when you come see me. I hope you will look past the words I said to you our last meeting, and forgive me enough to come. I hope to be able to say goodbye, or, dare I even wish it, for your face to appear at the gate tomorrow...where I can hold and protect you, for as many days as you will allow me.

Valentines Day Event

[honeypirate]

Hi!! Congrats on 420 i think we should celebrate with baking while baked, friends to lovers, first kiss with oikawa? Stoner oikawa is so funny to me i can just imagine his hooded eyes and cackles of laughter and the stupidest jokes 🥰

I think this is the only one weed related lmao but thank you so much for the request! I hope you like it ❤️

Event Masterlist

Oikawa friends to lovers baking while baked first kiss. Post time skip.

Oikawa has been your best friend since the beginning of your first semester when you met him at one of his away games in your city. He wasn’t around often then, your friendship consisting of 80% texts and calls, but when he was around his personality was so infectious you couldn’t imagine not having him in your life.

So you stuck with him, made an effort to keep the friendship strong when you were apart, so on those rare occasions when you could get together, ones like tonight, it would be even more amazing.

The joint passes easily between your fingers as you sit on your fire escape with him. You were talking about your exams coming up and the way his teammate is being a complete pain in the ass.

“How long are you here for?” You ask, expecting a week or less but smiling when he said

“a few months actually. It’s the off season and I’m taking some time to get my priorities in order”

you laugh “my pro volleyball player has priorities other than volleyball huh? Like what?” You ask then take a long hit and pass it to him

“like this” he says and smiles with his eyes as he takes a hit, winking at you and making you roll your eyes with a smile.

You feel your cheeks warm as you look over the edge, your heart fluttered when he said that, the feelings for him you kept hidden seeming to rush straight back to the surface.

By the end of the joint you’re giggling and leaning against him, no cares in the world, your previous worry about him knowing your feelings were out the window, replaced by a calm mellow joyful feeling between you both.

“God it’s so cold” you say “let’s go inside, my roommate moved out yesterday and I haven’t found anyone to take their place yet”

“Oh finally!” He’s saying as he throws his legs across the window “she was horrendous!” You laugh as you watch him struggle, his legs feeling like melted butter.

“Do you need some help?” You ask giggling and he starts to laugh with you “get over here!” he says between laughs and you move to stand next to him and put your arm around him, helping him hop into your apartment.

His arms wrap around you as he gets his footing, he buries his face in your neck and you squeal as his cold nose pushes into your neck.

“stop you’re so cold!” You laugh and he chuckles into your neck “and you’re so warm” he mumbles and hugs you closer. You couldnt resist how good it felt to be standing holding him, like your tingling skin felt soothed by his warmth.

You eventually give in and hug him back, taking his warmth as you shiver “you smell so good” you mumble into his neck and he chuckles “glad you think so” he says and his breath tickles your skin.

The way he spoke sounded so soft, your heart fluttered and you gasp, taking a step back and looking up at him through heavy bloodshot eyes.

“We should make brownies” he says suddenly, smiling wider as he runs to your kitchen. “They’ll warm us up!” He’s calling back.

You stand there for just a few more moments, calming your stupid racing heart, before you join him in your kitchen.

Making brownies high was an experience that just got harder and harder as it went along.

As he gets down your kitchenaid mixer from above your fridge and for a second you thought he was going to fall over backwards, so you stranded behind him ready to catch him at any moment.

You start some chill music and that was the easiest part of the evening. Your chuckling as you reread the ingredients list for the third time since he wasn’t listening, naming them out and he pulls them from the shelves and fridge.

Reading was a struggle when your eyes felt like couldn’t see and your mouth kept forgetting the words you were trying to say leading to Oikawa yelling “spit it out!” Making both of you have a giggle fit

When he goes to crack an egg he just drops the whole thing in the batter which starts you both on a second giggle fit that can only be quelled when you start clearing your throat, suddenly feeling thirsty with a dry mouth.

The brownies and egg in the batter was forgotten about while you make iced lemonade together.

Once you got back to the batter, you struggled through until they got into the oven. Making sure to set an alarm because you would not remember like you could sober.

Somehow you ended up sitting on the floor watching the brownies bake as you shared some of the extra batter you left in the bowl. “Brownies was a good call” you say softly and he gives you his signature cocky smile “I’m full of good ideas as you know” he says, chin covered in brownie batter.

You laugh at the state he’s in, mussed hair, hooded bloodshot eyes, and brownie chin. He looked so high it was so funny to you, he started joining in your laughing, not understanding what was funny but unable to stop.

You reach up and cup his cheek, brushing your thumb against his soft skin before bringing up your other hand, spoon forgotten in the bowl between you, and brush the batter from beneath his bottom lip and chin.

He gasps softly, his hands reaching for you, needing to hold you and make sure you were real and solid.

“Y/n” he whispers and grabs your knee with one hand, the other resting against your neck.

You gasp softly and look up from his lips to his eyes and feel your cheeks warm in embarrassment.

“Oikawa, I.. I” he smiles at you softly, brushing your hair with his fingers “I think we’re too high” you whisper, but you don’t move away, you keep your hold on him and that gives him hope.

“I don’t think this is because of the drugs. I’ve felt like this long before we ever smoked together” he says and you chuckle softly, your skin tingling where he touched, your brain felt light but clear, you felt like you were as melty as the brownies looked, half baked in the oven.

“You have?” You ask and bump your nose into his “you don’t know the half of it” he admits and you gaze adoringly through glazed eyes up at him. He cups your cheek and runs his thumb across your bottom lip “can I kiss you?” You ask and he chuckles “I might die if you don’t” he whispers you smile and press your lips to his for just a moment before pulling back and saying “you’re so dramatic Tooru”

the small chuckle that leaves his lips morphed into a happy laughter that had you placing your head against his shoulder as your sounds of laughter fill your small kitchen

“Tooru I just, I always thought you’d only see me as your best friend I never thought” you say and look back into his eyes.

he laughs “you never thought I’d be smart enough to get my head out of my ass and know what’s right in front of me? Y/n we’ve been through thick and thin and you’ve been my forever constant. Give me some credit, I’m not as dumb as Iwa thinks” you chuckle again and lean forward, the ability to resist the urge gone because of the weed, and press your lips softly to his neck.

You kiss up his neck slowly, feeling him swallow hard as he sighs, a sound that had your head spinning as you kiss across his jaw, until you finally press your lips against his and his world explodes.

Your lips move together slowly, feeling extra sensitive against his, aware of every nerve ending in your body. Your hands bury in his hair, you taste brownies on his tongue and you feel fireworks across your skin as you hum in approval and lick his bottom lip.

He chuckles and meets your tongue with his own before you both tried to lead the kiss, ending up making your head spin from how good it felt.

The brownie timer goes off and you gasp, jumping back and then laughing as Oikawa turns off the timer.

“Let’s get the brownies out and then we’ll get back to business” he says with a lopsided grin as you stand making you roll your eyes again, even tho your lips were turned up in a grin and your cheeks were warmer than ever.

After he places the brownies on the cooling rack he shakes off the oven mits to the counter and raises his hands towards you wiggling his fingers.

“let’s get back to business” he says and you start to chuckle before backing away slowly “hey hey wait where are you going?” He asks and you just wink with a giggle and turn, bolting from the room, his laughter following after you just before you hear him say “oh yeah” and start to actually run after you.

He’s on your heels as you reach the living room and his hands are on you by the couch, grabbing your waist and dragging you to the floor with him as he tickles your sides.

Your giggles fill the room as you try and swat him away “okay okay! I yield!” You’re saying and he stops his movements, pulling you back into his arms as he leans his back against the the couch.

“Back to business?” You ask and he laughs, his half hooded eyes looking at you like you’re the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, and if you asked he would tell you honestly that yes, you are the most beautiful creature he’s ever seen.

“Yes please” he says and cups your cheeks as you lean in, pressing your lips to his once more.

Later that evening, with your head on his chest as you watched a movie cuddled up with him and stealing kisses whenever the boring parts came up, he leaned down to your ear and whispered, his voice soft and full of hope for the future

“I know we havent talked about what this is yet, that it’s day one and I’m definitely getting ahead of myself” he kisses your temple then sighs in contentment and says

“but maybe it’s a good thing your roommate moved out. Maybe it’s a good thing there’s a place for me here.”

[wisteria-lodge]

a burnt / exploded badger primary + badger secondary model

Hi! Ive been looking at this amazing sorting concept for a while now, but every time i try to sort myself i get stuck. I think im either a burnt snake primary that models lion or a burnt lion primary that models snake, but im unsure about which one. 

All right, let’s see what you’ve got.

I was pretty involved in a student club and took up bartending duty, which i really liked because it was a place to have casual social interaction with people without going to the trouble of figuring out how to be friends (which i am Bad at since i can remember, ive like 3 friends and i try to talk to them monthly but more feels exhausting). But a side effect of being a bartender is that drunk people share their entire life story and trauma with you which i quite enjoy once in a while, its quite flattering if people trust you enough to talk to you about personal things and its interesting to learn more about how they work as a person.

So you’re telling me you have a Badger secondary, or at least a Badger secondary model. And three good friends who you check in with monthly doesn’t sound like such a bad set up? If that’s what you want/need, you’re good in my book. But there’s definitely some kind of angst surrounding “making friends” which seems like an outside influence. I’m keeping an eye on that as I read.

 But if it happens a lot when you sleep way less than you should it quickly becomes exhausting. 

Okay. Lack of self-care. Particularly of the “overworked” variety. That is something that Badger primaries usually really struggle with. You might want to take a look at Exploded Badger Primary, honestly.

I once had a breakdown over that i knew too many suffering people and that i couldnt help them all.

This is either the breakdown of a Badger primary, or a really really really Badger-flavored Lion. (and probably we’re still talking Badger).

I sometimes got angry at people who dumped all their trauma and fears on me but didn't once asked me about how I was feeling, or if they did and I answered with "bad" they quickly changed the subject. 

Oh. Problems with boundaries. That’s one of the traits that Badger primaries and secondaries tend to share. 

Not sure if that one is more about me having Bad Friends or me seeing friendship as a transactional thing 

This makes me think that your Badger secondary might be a model

I know seeing friendship as transactional is a Bad Immoral thing and I'm trying not to see it as such.

It’s interesting that you frame this in such right/wrong, Lion-y language. But this idea “viewing friendships as being a means to an end is fundamentally immoral” - that’s much more of a Badger primary thing than a Lion primary thing.

but these friendships were imbalanced which did not feel fair to me.

If Lions value authenticity and Snakes value freedom, Badgers value fairness. (I’m still trying to figure out that *one* thing Birds value.)

Another thing is that i never cared much for family. I was raised with a "friends are temporary, family is forever" mindset, which I did not quite vibe with. I hung out with my sisters all the time, but I'm not sure if that was out of choice or out of necessity, if other people just didnt Get me the same way they did or if I thought so and therefore didnt try to make other friends. 

You’ve got a slightly insular, very Snake primary family culture - but you yourself don’t seem to have a single Snake bone in your entire body.

It's probably me acting out against my parents way after puberty (where I did not act out, since I knew acting out was what the Wrong kind of people did and I was Better than that). 

Here’s that moralistic language again. This instinct “to not act out” really does seem like it’s coming from you and not your parents. And I this idea of “the wrong kind of people” is really Badger. Badger primaries are so interested in community, which makes them especially likely to categorize like that. 

after i moved out that I joined the student association, to show that friends did exist and being in large groups of non family people could be a good thing.

‘After I moved out I joined a large community, to show my Snake primary family that this is a legitimate way to exist.’ Badger.

In family gatherings, me and my sisters were always seen as "the kids" and people never treated us as full conversation partners. (Its getting better, but we've been Full Grown Adults for a while now and are all living by ourselves now, that should have happened way sooner). I never minded that much tho, I was fine by playing with my baby cousins and participating in the performative steps of small talk until visits were over.

I’m thinking that this badger secondary is definitely an unhealthy model. 

Then there are my thoughts about the question "what would you do if you realized everything you thought and believed was wrong". A while ago, there was a huge argument in my friend group from the student association and it fell apart. At the same time, a situation happened in my family which caused me to not exactly break completely with them, since I am trying to fix it out of a sense of obligation, but it almost happened. 

Oh my, a stressed out Badger. This is a situation that would hit a Badger primary really, really, really hard.

This started me believing that a large group of people which are yours, or a goal/cause you chose for yourself, is wrong because people will let you down and abandon you. 

This is so Burnt Badger. 

people will abandon you if your actions are wrong enough, or try to force you to change your decisions if they disagree with them enough

Just a guess, but I think you’ve been dealing with some Lion primaries. This is the kind of thing that a really intense Lion would do.

people will abandon you as soon as you are not longer useful to them, and dont want to play the desired role they expect you to anymore. 

 Oh no. We’ve got some more Exploded Badger right here. ‘My worth is my usefulness’ 

I only started to think about "who am I?" And "what do I want?" At university, where I made a few decisions (which I do not regret a bit) which made me sleep way less than I should which caused me to stop reflecting and thinking about myself, and then the Incident happened. 

There’s an aspect of both the Badger primary and the Badger secondary which functions like a mirror. It’s so powerful, but if you’re not careful you can lose yourself. It sounds like you’re on the right track though, it really does. 

after which I spent all my time and energy trying to Fix it, and now that I realize that I can't I am so far away from who I am as a person that the easiest way to exist is to shape myself in whatever form is desired. 

That’s the Badger secondary (or the badger secondary model) talking. I’m a Badger secondary, and I modeled Badger primary for a long time. I’ve spent so much time trying to Fix It. But you can’t. You can’t fix other people. They have to fix themselves. 

But I'm not sure if the code switching I do is who I am that has revealed itself by me having nothing left, or a coping mechanism I picked up to stop people from getting disappointed by me while figuring out who I really am. 

That settles it. You definitely have a badger secondary model. And there’s something else is under there. 

[oh-for-fic-sake]

Phsychokinesis

You meet the League and butt heads with Clark.

Masterlist

Warnings: Swearing, Angst, Panic attacks

Phsychokinesis 

You sat in the back of the batmobile for what felt like hours lost in your own thoughts, you regreted this already, why rock the boat now? you were fine, you were learning how to do this on your own, you didn't need anyone they'd get in the way Or hurt! Then they'd hate you, hunt you down, you wouldn't get away! Either that or they'd see you for the monster you was and just leave you somwhere this was a stupid idea, a silly childish hope of a fairytale ending of a home ,acceptance the hope of finding people who will understand, they wont, no one understands they can't. You panicked your breathing shallow, out! you had to get out slowly you looked around looking for the hinge that held the door infront of you closed it had flipped up like a trunk but in your panicked state you wouldnt be able to concentrate enough to send out your ripple instead you had to touch it you fumbled with the harness style seat belt cursing when your fingers couldn't grip finally useing your power the split the mechanism down the seam it must have sent a warning to him in the front as you heard his voice a few seconds later.

"Kid? Calm down Whats the matter?-" 

"NO! Let me out stop, I've changed my mind I can do it on my own!" You cried out leaning forward blindly running your hands over the top of the door sliding your palms hurried wanting to find the weak spot to tear at sniffling as tears began falling blurring your vision 'stupid your so stupid!' You thought repeating over and over scrabbling over the top you couldnt find it! He continued talking low and calm trying to ease you out of your panic attack.

"Hey kid its okay your scared its natural to be scared okay? But I promise whatever your think is going to happen isn't, none of us are going to let anything happen to you, just take some deep breaths for me in......then out.....again for me in ...... and out....." you closed your eyes doing as he said kneeling on the floor shivering from the aftermath of your break down as you felt the vehicle stop. You slumped resting your head on the door in front of you and spoke in a quiet voice

"I can't do it again" You held your breath when you got no reply had he listened? 

"Do what again?" You stayed silent he wouldn't have it and asked again in a different way

"What are you afraid of? Tell me so I can help, we just want to help"

"....I'm better off alone.." and there it was your words were loud and clear Bruce read between the lines the truth behind your fear and panic,abandonment, a kid who lost her parents and has been passed here there and everywhere thrown from home to home until finally you run away deciding you dont need anyone else he sighed.

"We wont leave you, not now your here weather you belive it or not the second you stepped into this car you were one of us and the others are eager to meet you" 

"And when I hurt one of you? It will happen it always does its why they get rid of me." You venom in your voice made his blood go cold, you sounded like one of the many nut jobs he put away behind bars, the ones that wanted to watch the city burn with everyone in it ,all he could do was hope he wasn't to late.

"The only one you could hurt is me and if I'm not mistaken we have been over that already and you said so yourself you caught it, was I angry? Did I shout and attack you? Or call for back up? I could have but did I?"

 You looked down fidgeting with your fingers a little feeling small he almost sounded like a parent and not in that hyped up I'm right and your wrong way you were used to it was more like trying to get you to understand him something you hadnt heard in a long time.

"Well? I expect an answer young lady"

"No, you didn't do none of those things"

"Right and you know why? It was an accident and accidents happen, besides one of us will always be there to watch out for you,everyone in this place is faster then you physically we are all stronger than you there is no need to worry, now lets go meet the team, We are already here." You sniffed a little wiping at your eyes.

"I suppose....I'm scared" He chuckled at that you sounded so tiny and vulnerable 

"No their not scary at all come on" you waited a few breaths then the door opened and he was in front of you he sighed quickly lifting you out palcing a comforting hand on your shoulder. You looked around this place was huge with various different vehicles air land and sea all in matte black spanning the length of the huge space.

"Holy shit..." he hummed in agreement 

"Immpressive huh?" You looked around some you recgonized from news footage in gotham.

"Yeah you have a lot of.....weird  things here" he shrugged just happy that your little break down had passed, he knew the others were watching through the security eager to meet you, but he wanted to make sure you were okay. He cleared his throat nodding to the elevator that would take you up into the main tower.

"This way we can go and meet the team then get you settled in for the night" you blinked at him

"What?" He crossed his arms standing tall

"Well it is nearly eleven pm and your only what fourteen? you shouldnt be up this time, what about school?"

"Im sixteen and I don't go to school I do online...when I can be bothered" he sighed walking to the elevator you trailed behind him as he sent it moving up.

"Fine, either way you can stay here tonight, there is a room ready for you" you nodded a little apprehensive finally the doors opened revealing a huge room with a large round table the others sat around it smileing at you batman pushed you forward when he saw you freeze a little the small nudge sent you walking forward into the room. Wonder woman was the first to approach you with a smile

"Hello Im Diana its nice to meet you we're glad you decided to come" she was beautiful ,polite and looked kind, you almost forgot how powerfull she was just by speakjng to her

"H-hi Im y/n its....nice to meet you too" you said quietly scanning the room still nervous looking for escapes just incase, the window, thick glass but doable not sure how far the free fall would be- your thoughts were interrupted by a gruff voice

"I wouldn't we're pretty high" you snapped your gaze up to Aquaman he was....unerving to say the least, he gave of a chill and slightly playfull attitude.

"What?" He smirked nodding to the window

"Your checking for escape I could see it in your eyes, hell sometimes I want to throw myself out the window to escape this lot but were pretty high, I mean wonder boy over there would catch you no doubt but still waste of a window dont ya think?" You smiled a little blushing tangling your hands in your hoodie.

"Itd be fixed before I was a quarter of the way down, its just a habit.Sorry" He smiled waving it off

"Nah your fine its smart you want a back up plan I'm Arthur by the way." You nodded still lookkng around everyone noted you didn't drift to far from Bruce which in a way was good he become a sort of saftey net it seemed. They all new what happened on the way here and downstairs. You were holding up well considering how terrified you were. They all drifted to the table taking their seats, when you didn't follow Bruce came up behind you taking your bag walking to the huge round glase table you followed behind him.

"Jesus what do you have in here? Thats way to heavy for you to be lugging around" he complaind as he set it down lettingnyou take a seat next to him.

"Books,clothes, my phone ,headphones and purse I take everything with me when I leave the homes, its easyier that way don't have to go hunting for it later" you shrugged everyone in the room frowned. It was Clark who began speaking

"So thats everything you own?" You nodded a little scared of him if you were honest you were scared of all of them.

"Pretty much, when it comes to foster homes in Gotham their not the best to put it bluntly us kids are money makers, the state pays them to take me in, when your younger theres more to it they put you somewhere nice with good poeple that care, you know try to make you a model citizen all that crap but teens no we get the shit ones given a bed and told to get on with it we are lost causes by this point just waiting to age out and be fucked off, I haven't been to my foster home in three weeks they haven't tried to get in touch or anything they dont care, occasionally they file a missing persons report and police find you and take you back but thats only cos of the inspections if I aint there when the do a spot check the money stops and they can be stricken off the register loose about $400 a month, but I prefer being out on my own" He frowned crossing his arms infront of his chest taking a deep breath leaning back, you fidgited a little under his intense gaze leaning to Bruce he didn't look happy at all and you weren't sure what you'd done but you felt like you'd irritated him, you cast a glance to Batman who was giving you a similar look making you gulp.

"So where have you been sleeping then for these three weeks?" you snapped your head back to the Man of steel.

".......with freinds and stuff....." he raised an eyebrow he didn't need to hear your pulse change to know you were lying it was clear from the way you spoke quiet and high but he would leave it for now.

"Well from now on you will be home by eight at the latest" you blinked you were expecting an argument or some dismissive 'oh it can't be that bad' but not a curfew... honestly you wasn't sure what to make of it and that made you angry, you wasn't used to people caring for you, your first instinct is to scare them away.

"err what? not being funny but I'm here to get my freaky power under control not to get a fucking life coach, had one he quit...like not just me he quit completely something about having the devil inside or something...Not sure if that was aimed at me tho...Probably...He was old as shit" you shut up when he tilted his head leaning back it was a very...Parental gesture you swear your dad did the same thing when he was alive.

"Well that was before I learned of your situation and the fact that your living on the streets at the moment." you growled at him any fear replaced with anger and a little panic he knew... he definitely knew you were lying the air rippled around you coming to life.

"Are you deaf? I've been staying with friends.... Not that its any of your fucking business" 

"Friends from your online classes you never do? now I don't see that somehow" you shook glaring at him 

"Fuck you!" he stood up not taking notice of the way your eyes glowed you panicked normally that was enough to make them back off he wasn't, standing you faltered not sure what to do you wanted to scare him off, make him back down but you didn't want to hurt him, you freaked out a little as he continued coming around towards you swearing trying to pull back your power not wanting to attack him but in the state you were in it was hard you couldn't grasp it you winced hearing the crackling of the floor beneath you fighting it as it tried to rise up toward him.

"Calm down. I know your lying I can hear it in your pulse now I know for a fact that you've been on the streets and I'm guessing its more because your frightened of hurting them rather than all this teenage 'better of alone' bravado your trying to play it off as. And as for having a life coach Instead of that you'll be getting a family"

"Shut up!" you were really panicking now he had managed to figure you out break past your walls quick and you wanted him to stop.

"...I know your a good kid and have had a rough ride having to grow up to soon now its time to be a kid again. So from now on you will have a safe place to stay each night sometimes that will be here other times it will be with one of us" he kept coming slowly towards you, you stepped back only everyone watch tense but not out of fear or trepidation just ready to dodge what ever you might do.

"I'm not going to be a fucking charity case- this was a bad idea Im leaving" you made to grab your bag  but it wasnt by you chair anymore you swore 

"Your not leaving and your not going to be a charity casenow calm yourself down" 

"What you can't force me to stay here!" You backed off now sending out your power feelkng for your bag wanting to get out of here fast, this was a stupid thing to do, trust people? You cant trust anyone.

"I will if I think thats whats best for you,you can't hurt me... You can't hurt any of us and that is probably scaring you isn't it? its been a long time since you wasn't the strongest person in the room, since you were able to be yourself with out having to have absolute control of every thought and movement... I know because I've been there myself when I was growing up and the shock and fear I had fighting Zod and Batman it was frightening realizing that I could be hurt, its terrifying having something you don't understand or control and you think no one will understand, thats the same for each of us at some point we realized we are not like everyone else and we were alone wanting help someone to turn to thats why we are going to help you, so you can have some form of normality" you gave him a side glance shaking he understood? you thought he must of had it worse you couldn't imagine having to deal with his abilities. 

"Normal? Thats not an option for me, people can't even touch me" you cried out as he sped towards you tuggeding you forward to him making you jump everything happed so fast you couldn't catch it you closed your eyes tight shaking like a leaf knowing that you'd just attacked him unintentionally probably killed him you whined waiting for the inevitable attacks from the others instead the hug tightened he chuckled 

"Look its okay"slowly you opened your eyes looking down the small spikes had snapped as they touched him instead of impaling him you gasped stepping back.

"They didn't?" he smiled shaking his head.

"No they cant...I told you, you cant hurt us" you smiled a little sniffling as tears escaped you felt silly but happy relieved you might be able stay here... you could be here with them with out worrying about loosing control they can handle it.

"I-I dont have to run?" he smiled pulling you back against him

"No you dont have to run...I'm sorry I had to make you attack me it was the only way to make you see you can't hurt me and its the same with Victor, Arthur and Diana Barry is to fast and Bruce well he will think of somthing he usually does, here you can be yourself and relax a little be a kid again and yes that means rules and curfews" you smiled nervously as he retreated a little he was sad you hadnt returned the hug he could tell you were touch straved and you probably didn't even know it.

"I-I cant stay what about the social workers-"

"Hey what did he just say? you be the kid we will deal with all that." it was Diana who had interrupted as supes made his way back to his seat faster then you could register pulling back looking at the floor correcting it as you sat back down.

".... was a dick move tho supes"

"Clark call me Clark, no need for our other names here we're family" you nodded a little it sounded strange when he said it. 

"and I would appreciate it if you watched your mouth its not lady like" you snorted 

"The only lady like thing on me is my v-jay" you deadpanned Arthur roared up at that as Clark rolled his eyes next to introduce themselves was a man who didn't look much older than you.

"Hi I'm Barry, its great to have someone not old here now, they look fun but they are all boring" you laughed at to chorus of grunts and scoffs.

"Well I can't promise I'll be much fun.." he shook his head

"Seriously? I cant wait to see you in action properly, its one thing to see it on screen but honestly, I wanna see you do the glass thing how does that work anyway? Like how do you do what you do?" You leaned back into your chair.

"Err its kind of weird.... its like ripples?" he tilted his head

"Ripples?" You nodded nervous knowing everyone was listening.

"Yeah o-or waves, Im always sending them out  and I can feel everything they feel.... so sitting here I can feel the wall over there.....its close so I can make better sense of it and have better control I can move it like clay.... then to fix the things I break I just zip them up....I can show you if you like? and its okay?"you looked around the room everyone nodded a gruff

"Just be careful" came from behind you, within seconds your eyes glowed bright and the huge table shattered into hundreds of thousands of tiny pieces across everyone they stayed still holding there breath.

"did you hit it? To make it do that?" Arthur asked wanting to understand how it works.

"No I pulled it from all sides ,It feels like pulling apart a huge jigsaw when I do that.....tugging I can stretch it two but that makes it weaker I just make it thinner and larger when I do that.....then I just think of the pieces edges being a zipper that fits back together. Its ends up being so tiny you can't see it" You did as you said pressing them together slowly but surly the table mended itself creating three thirds then used the floor to push them up until it mended from the center out becoming crystal clear glass again.

"OH GOD THAT WAS SO COOL! Can you fix my phone screen its been annoying me for weeks?" You nodded as he produce the phone and you quicky fixed it for him he stared at it in awe running his fingner over wheee the cracks were

"Thats so cool...And usefull"

"Phsychokinesis" you turned slowly to the final man.....cyborg 

"Phsychowhatsit?" He chuckled at you

"Thats your gift its called phsychokinesis like telekinesis but instead of moving things without touching them you can manipulate physical things, their forms, but my geuss is for some reason you can pinpoint actual molecules instead of clumps of them together" you tilted your head at him you it had a proper name.

"Yeah thats right I can't make things float, only move and change em and I can't do it on anything living no plants or animals." He nodded 

"Im victor, the one who found you, I've seen you do some incredible things.....Are you aware of everything that you do or does a lot of things just happen?" You shrugged

"Most just happen, the table I did but.....when people make me jump I try to attack them" you cast a guilty glance at batman behind you he waved you off.

"I dont mean to and if I trip or fall the ground softens ,if i fall really high it rises to catch me...water to I can't go onnthe diving board it gets weird...I don't do any of that either just happens....but I catch them most of the time before things go to bad"

"Self preservation, you said you send out these....Ripples all the time? You cant pull them back?"

"No I tried once it really hurt it was like....It felt like someong ripping my skin off, of burning my nerves i passed out in under a mineut....my fault tho" Arthur sat up leaning over the table

"Whats your fault?" You smiled sadly

"I- after I killed my parents I put it away it was an accident but it was me who did it.....Stopped useing it completly I'd suppressed it then about a year ago.... yeah I had to use it to save my freinds on a school trip... I tried to sheild them protect them, but the oil tanker was huge! I couldnt hold it for long and as much as I wanted to I just couldnt push it back to the water and......my gift it was much stronger then I remembered it hurt.....couldn't hold it... since then I can't put it back" 

"So you've always had it? Then surpressed it for years and then it blew up and now you can't control it?  I think it reacts to protect you, when you fall you don't want to hit the ground and be hurt so it moves to accommodate you instead your power is trying to protect you." 

"That....makes a lot of sense.... shit word tho my names gonna be fucking lame...." Barry laughed.

"eh we can thing of somthing.... well I can they all added man and woman to something" you giggled a little Diana got up smileing at you

"Y/n its late we should probably get you to bed" you blinked at her then got up slowly. Everyone said their good nights as you left the room looking around wearly

"Dont worry, nothing will happen here" she said moving closer slowly hooking an arm across your shoulder you tensed but it only flicked across the floor, like a stepping into a puddle of sand then levled again you relaxed again.

"See? Like Clark said we are family here so just think of us as your aunt and uncles we will protect you...now this is your room you can decorate it soon and there is a small ensuite to, all of us have rooms here homes away from home and soon you will probably be coming with us to our other homes aswell but for now you will stay here training for a while while we sort out the legal side of things. Im across the hall Clark is next door and Bruce two doors down"

"Bruce?" She rolled her eyes a little snorting

"Batman, he always finds a way to hide his own name paranoid bat" you sighed frowning

"ho-how are you going to sort out the social worker thing? I know you said not to worry but I wont be able to sleep..." she smiled patting your shoulder sitting on the bed with you.

"Adoption and as much as I would love to adopt you from what just happend I'm pretty sure Clark isn't going to let anyone else do it"

"Sounds like you knew my situation befor I got here, you can't just adopt me tho thats like a lot of home checks and and you have to pay a lot of money thats not fair-"

"We did know...Bruce has adopted his fair share already and will be pulling a few strings for us tho as I said I'm pretty sure Clark has decided already you need a more quiet stable home, as lovely as Bruces children are they are boisterous and human which can put you on edge which isn't what we want. Clark has one kryptonian son who is older than you and would be well equipped to help you over come any hiccups.Now just relax, go have a shower brush your teeth and get some sleep?" you looked at her wide eyed adopted...By Superman....and having a brother who you also cant hurt.

"Im not tired-" she tilted her head raising a brow at you

"You need sleep your a growing girl, I expect you in bed in half an hour I will know if your not and if your not I'm sending in Clark" you nodded in a way it was nice having someone who cared.

"Good night I will see you in the morning" she said closing the door. You looked across the room it was nice a large twin bed, your bag had been placed on it somehow, a desk tv on the wall built in wardrobe and a door in the corner what you assumed lead to the ensuite. after a few moments you got up using the shower and brushing your teeth before changing and crawling into bed, tonight was strange but it was nice to have somewhere safe to sleep and you was happy you couldnt hurt superman. you fell into a deep sleep fairly easily to warn out not to vaguly aware of someone pokeing their head in the room to check on you.

[dontasktheradiodemon]

I Love You (3/14/2021)

Buddy I don’t even need to summarize this thread, I can just tag it with tropes like it’s a fic, here watch me go: #angst #hurt/comfort #anguished declarations of love #tw depression #tw suicidal ideation

Immediate sequel to this thread but reading it is optional. Basically, it’s nearly impossible to spend very long in Hell without developing a guilt complex and fantasizing about whether it’d be better to stop being; Alastor and Telly @usedhearts open up to each other about theirs.

Frankly it’s a startling display of mutual emotional vulnerability and I’m proud of them both.

Sir Pentious

whenever he came back from that, what did he do

cause it said he went right to telly so 👀

Alastor

Initially? Probably just tracked him down in whatever he was currently doing and went “can I hold you”

Sorta, holding it together by a thread barely

Sir Pentious

telly probably noticed but just 'yes' and let him Hold Him no matter how grimy he was at the time

Alastor

And he’ll be content with that for about three minutes before that one thread starts fraying and he goes “... can you hold me”

Sir Pentious

thats all it takes for him to coil around alastor and hold him Tight

Alastor

Curls up tight in him and sobs on his shoulder.

Sir Pentious

telly just holds him TIGHTER

makes little comforting/soothing sounds

he doesnt know why he's upset but he will be there for him

Alastor

They’re just both gonna be grimy and that’s Fine.

Sir Pentious

so very grimy

they can take baths later

Alastor

When he’s finally capable of attempting coherent speech again the first thing he’s gonna get out is “I never, ever, ever want to leave you.”

Sir Pentious

telly just takes his face in one hand and cradles it so gently and just 'ok, alright, you don't have to.'

give him a kiss

forehead kiss bc he's probably snotty

Alastor

He’s definitely snotty. He’s full on ugly sobbing.

Sir Pentious

oh hes probably not smiling huh

i think thats probably the first time telly sees that

Alastor

NOPE, he lost that sometime while he was hiding in Telly’s shoulder.

First time Telly’s seen him with the mask off

Sir Pentious

god thats got him WORRIED and he just HUGS HIM AGAIN NICE AND TIGHT AND COILED

telly: ive got you. ive got you, im here, it's alright...

Alastor

He’s just gonna keep clinging as hard as he can, he got out One sentence and now he’s sobbing too hard to talk again.

It’s a lot of radio static and feedback noise

Sir Pentious

telly is just going to KEEP HOLDING HIM god himself couldnt pry this snake off this deer and would get bitten and injected with venom for trying

Alastor

He’ll gradually stop sobbing and the shaking will decrease to shivering

Sir Pentious

telly's just going to hold him through it all, pet his hair, massage at the base of his ears, everything he can do to soothe him

Alastor

Mumbles his gratitude and an apology for interrupting telly’s work

Sir Pentious

telly: no no don't apologize. i love you and i want to be here for you. my work will still be there. id much rather know that you're alright and have it be interrupted than you be upset or hurting and you not come to me for fear of interrupting me.

Alastor

Mumble mumble he could have handled it himself

Sir Pentious

telly: i don't _want_ you to have to handle it yourself. i'm here for you, alastor. i want you to know that you can come to me whenever you need me and i'll be here.

Alastor

Tries to say three different things but chokes on them all and just wheezes out another thanks.

Sir Pentious

he just gets a squeeze and a kiss to the nearest him surface

Alastor

He keeps holding on until he can get a small, tired smile fixed back on his face, and then he pulls back to say “Thanks” again.

Sir Pentious

he gets another forehead kiss and then telly gonna lead him to the bathroom and they are taking a BATH they are now both covered in grim AND snot

Alastor

You know, that’s fair. Bath time. Strips down to boxers, climbs in with Telly, and Clings again. ... and sorry about Telly’s clothes, he’ll clean them before the snot fossilizes

Sir Pentious

Those were his dirty work clothes, it's fine, the Eggs will wash them. But it is BATHTIME, and they are both getting a scrubbing. Moreso Telly than Alastor tho.

Alastor

... can Alastor get a scrubbing too

Sir Pentious

Absolutely!

A softer scrubbing than Telly gets

Alastor

He’s going all jelly-eyed again. It’s ok he’s fine.

Sir Pentious

He gets a nice wash cloth and a nice gently scented soap, and a boyfriend to hum to him as he kinda reverently cleans him.

Alastor

He gets self-conscious SO fast, he’s gonna hold his breath and slide under the water. It’s fine he’s fine

Sir Pentious

Telly just smiles and giggles bc that's cute, you're cute Alastor. Probably wraps his tail tip around Alastor's ankle to gently and playfully tug him thru the water.

Alastor

!!! Grabs Telly’s wrists to pull him down into the water.

Sir Pentious

Now they're both underwater!! Gonna tussle with a sea serpent in his natural element, huh, Alastor!! Play time, silly mode ACTIVATED

Alastor

GOOD he’s ready to wrestle. He’s trying not to laugh, he doesn’t want to inhale water.

Sir Pentious

Time to PLAY and WRASSLE!!

Tumbling and splashing and a big grinning snake!!

Alastor

Alastor’s got a surefire way to win this wrestling match! He’s gonna GRAPPLE THE SNAKE COMPLETELY. ... basically he’s just hugging him. Hi.

Sir Pentious

Grapple the snake and the snake grapples back. Now you're wrapped in a tail Alastor, and getting a mermaid kiss.

Alastor

Oh no, what shall he do. This definitely wasn’t his plan. Totally wasn’t. Not at all. Nope.

Sir Pentious

Kiss kiss fall in love, and he's rising up out of the water, because he wants that mouth OPEN for TONGUE.

Alastor

When they get out of the water, Alastor breaks the kiss—sorry, not going for tongue this time

Sir Pentious

Telly blinks and just brief pouting, but holds him close all the same. Kisses cheek instead.

Alastor

“Sorry. Just... tired.” Considering he sobbed about half the liquid out of his body earlier,

Sir Pentious

Wipes the wet hair off his forehead and then kisses it. "That's fine. Come on then, lets get out and dry off. Would you like a snack before bed?"

Alastor

“I need a drink. Not a drink-drink, just a drink. Fluids.”

Sir Pentious

"Of course. I'll get you some water, once we dry off."

Alastor

A nod. He’s still in a quiet mood.

Sir Pentious

Telly gonna carry him out of the bath and set him on a rug. Get towel and start drying him

Alastor gets dried first because Telly Must Care For Him.

Alastor

He puts up a token struggle against this but okay as long as he goes next.

Sir Pentious

He will. Alastor gets handed a Towel and offered his pick of head or tail.

Alastor

Head this time.

Sir Pentious

He Offers Himself on Alastor's drying alter.

Alastor

Alastor Shall Dry This Offering. And while he does he says hesitatingly, “You don’t have to ask if you don’t want to. But you can if you want.” Because it’s been weighing heavily on him as Really Fucking Weird that he just unloaded a hurricane on Telly’s nice jacket and at no point did Telly ask what that was all about

Sir Pentious

He considers it and shrugs a little. "That depends: Do you want to tell me, or would you rather not tonight?"

Alastor

He has to think about it a moment. “I think you should know.”

Sir Pentious

"Alright. Then tell me."

Alastor

Thinks about it; but then just keeps drying.

Sir Pentious

Telly just looks up at him and blinks. "Well?"

Alastor

Stops drying again. “You’re sure?” Listen, this is hard to share,

Sir Pentious

"Yes. If it had you that upset and you say that I _should_ know, then I would like to know."

Alastor

He shouldn’t have said that. He wraps the towel around Telly, hugs him, and sighs. Okay.

Sir Pentious

He's just going to lay there on the rug with Alastor, and the towel wrapped around him. And state with his big ole eyes.

Alastor

No... Not the big ole eyes... That makes this harder. He’s gotta look away. “I... don’t want to be... here.” YEAH ALASTOR GREAT START, SUPER CLEAR, RADIO HOST OF THE YEAR

Sir Pentious

A very confused furrowed brow. "Meaning what?"

Alastor

“In Hell. In—existence.” He swallows hard. “Hell wears you down. It—rubs your soul raw. It sandpapers you off a bit at a time. And I’m—I’m tired.”

Sir Pentious

A soft, concerned look and a hand cupping his face. "Oh, love...I can understand that feeling. I'm...I'm tired too. It is very tiring. Before I met Hel, I'd been close to giving up entirely. And then before I met you, I'd been ready to check myself into that hotel, just to see if it was possible. Something to change the tedium...."

Alastor

“I spend so much of my time going on walks. I don’t have anything else to do but go on walks.” He covers Telly’s hand with his own so he can press into it and shuts his eyes. “Almost every year, I wonder whether this is going to be the year that I decide to go for a walk when the angels come.”

Sir Pentious

And his heart clenches so tightly in his chest. "Don't." The word is soft and unbidden, desperate.

"There have been many a year where I've felt the same...where I thought it would be better to just end it. But I didn't. Mostly out of spite, but that can only get you so far. I like having love to live for better. Or exist for. Neither of us are living." A dry, bitter, short chuckle.

Alastor

His heart skips a beat at the word, so pronounced he flinches at the odd th-thump. Still not used to those. “I won’t. *I never want to leave you.*” He pulls Telly close. “And you’ll stay here?”

Sir Pentious

"I will." It's a promise, a swear, and he can't help but sit up to kiss him, at least once. "Don't leave me and I'll stay here, too."

Alastor

Alastor returns the kiss; it’s not a formal pact with magic and all, but it feels like one. “Then we’ll both stay.” He presses his forehead to Telly’s, eyes still shut. “It’s... heavy, though.”

Sir Pentious

"I know. Damn it, do I _know_. Humans like us, we weren't meant to be eternal. It _fucks_ with us, especially knowing that we've already died. But you have me now. And I have you. And if we share our loads, it won't seem as heavy." He may be crying, just a bit, and luckily only from the face eyes.

Alastor

“Knowing we’ve died—and knowing we aren’t *worth* eternity. I know I’m not. I know Hell is a punishment, but—sometimes it feels so *generous.*”

But he nods, slightly, with their heads still together. “But—I have you and you have me. And good God, am I glad I do.”

Sir Pentious

"I understand. I know exactly what you mean." Sighs and wraps his arms around him.

"I'm glad to have you too. I...I love you." A small kiss.

Alastor

"I love you, too." And it hurts like hellfire to say. It's the thing keeping him chained here, and it's also such a part of the reason why Hell hurts at all.

He presses his face to Telly's shoulder; this time, at least, his crying is quiet.

Sir Pentious

His breath catches and the tears come again, more freely. He can feel the eyes on his tail beginning to leak as well, can't control it in the moment. Telly's arms wrap more tightly around Alastor, and one of his hands moves up to stroke and card through his hair. He squeezes his eyes (on his face) shut again, he shakes with quiet sobs, holding Alastor to him as if everything depended on keeping him close.

Alastor

He holds Telly just as tightly, an arm around his back and an arm around his shoulders. Guilt twists in him at being the one to make Telly cry; but Alastor’s not crying hard, this time around he can support Telly through his sobbing.

Sir Pentious

They're not hard sobs, instead soft little things, hiccups more like, and along with them comes a soft chorus of "Love you, love you, love you." The amount of emotions that are roiling around inside of him, who knows if the crying is sadness, happiness, or something else. But there is an overabundance and he is letting it out.

Alastor

And Alastor will keep supporting him until it’s all out, the same way Telly did earlier. He briefly lowers one hand to Telly’s tail and gently tugs, encouraging him to coil around Alastor if he wants. He can deal with a dozen eyes crying on him.

Sir Pentious

The tail barely needs any encouragement, it is up and coiling in an instant, squeezing Alastor's lower half. Not hard enough to hurt, but definitely very tight. Telly doesn't take too long to calm, the tears stopping and his breathing evening out. Then he's just breathing deeply against Alastor, still holding him tight, but with less desperation.

Alastor

Alastor rubs Telly’s back as the tears slowly stop coming. Once Telly’s breathing has steadied, Alastor murmurs, “How do you feel?”

Sir Pentious

"I'm not sure. I'm happy, but tired, and sad that you felt so tired, too."

Alastor

“I don’t want you to be sad on my behalf.” He sighs quietly. “But if there’s happiness in there too...”

Sir Pentious

"I can't help it, I love you, and knowing that you hurt, it hurts me too. But that's not to say 'don't tell me when you're hurting' because I _want_ to know. So that I can help if I can. Or just hold you, if that's what you need. But I'm happy because you love me, and you're here with me, and we can help each other. And that is what's most important, more than anything." A soft sigh in return, and a gentle kiss to his shoulder.

Alastor

“That’s the worst part of this whole thing, isn’t it? We’ve got to carry each other’s pain on top of our own—and then we feel guilty for paining each other.” Alastor laughs ruefully. “But I’m here for you. For whatever damage control we can do.” He returns the kiss.

Sir Pentious

"It's quite something: you want your love to not hurt, but then your hurt hurts them, and they don't want you to hurt, but their hurt hurts you, and it's just another fucking ouroboros." He laughs, a bit of a hysterical tinge to it. "But I'll endure it. For you."

Alastor

“I’ve always thought there was something beautiful in the image of devouring oneself alive.” There wasn’t anything beautiful in *this,* but maybe he could find it. “I will, too. As long as I give you more happiness than unhappiness.”

Sir Pentious

Telly pulls back just a tad, enough to see Alastor's face. He cups it and kisses him, pressing their foreheads together again. "You already have."

Alastor

“Make sure I keep it up.” He cupped Telly’s face as well, running his thumbs over his cheeks. “We’ve only just gotten started, and there’s a long eternity ahead of us.”

Sir Pentious

"I will. I hold you to that." A bit of a smirk, and he's uncoiling, and grabbing the towel again. "I'm mostly dry but still a little damp. Let's finish up and get some water, _I'm_ thirsty now too."

Alastor

Huff. “*Right.* Of course.” He retrieves the towel he’d wrapped around Telly’s shoulders and helps, taking special care with the tear streaks around his many eyes. “We can try out another one of your herbal teas, see if this’ll be the one I like. I can whip up something or other to go with it.”

Sir Pentious

Telly smiles and finishes drying, before taking Alastor's hand. He kisses it and then wraps it around his arm to start slithering towards the kitchen. "Anything in particular you want to try tonight? Or should I just try and pick something that I think you'll perhaps like?"

Alastor

“Whatever you want. It still all tastes like fruity tea to me.” He laughs self-consciously. “I’ll get there.”

Sir Pentious

"Maybe something with some citrus? For a zest? I have a few mixes like that." They are now in the kitchen and Telly's going to get the kettle on and then dig around for the teas.

Alastor

“Sure, I could use some zest.” He starts rummaging around to see what he can make that goes with something citrusy. He’s got this place pretty well outfitted by now, if he says so himself.

Sir Pentious

"Alright, I have a green tea with orange, clove, and ginger. It's very tasty, has a good bite." He hummed as he got out the clear pot that he'd used before, and two cups.

Alastor

Green tea, what goes with green tea? He’s got no idea what goes with green tea. He can slap together some tea sandwiches that go with orange, clove, and ginger, though. “How does chicken sound?” And perhaps a more important question: “When did you last eat?”

Sir Pentious

Cue him pausing as his brain starts to work, trying to remember. "Ahhh...this morning? Breakfast, yes, I think that was when." Oh look how concentrated he is on pouring the water into the pot he is now.

Alastor

Maybe something a bit more substantial than a rinkydink tea sandwich, then. “Would you say that tea’s more clove-y or ginger-y?

Sir Pentious

He lifts the dried tea to his mouth to blelele and hums. "More clove-y."

Alastor

“Then let’s make that beef instead of chicken. Compliments it better without having to toss in a dozen other spices—and we don’t want to overpower the tea, do we...” He presumes they don’t want to, anyway. He checks the fridge to see what they’ve got on hand. Watch out, he’s switching into Cooking Mode.

Sir Pentious

Telly loves when he switches into cooking mode. He's just going to move the cups and the pot to the table and then settle in to watch.

Alastor

Okay, keep it simple—he grabbed some roast beef, onions, watercress, mayo, and some odds and ends to mix into the mayo that will *hopefully* compliment the tea, passing each ingredient one by one to his shadow to find a place for on the counter. Alastor swoops by Telly to give him a quick squeezing hug on his way to start prepping sandwiches—maybe a slightly longer hug. Maybe he’ll linger here a moment.

Sir Pentious

Oh! A hug, yes, a hug is good. Get that snake purring like an engine. He's very tempted to coil but he won't, he's getting hungry just watching.

Alastor

Okay, no, no getting emotional. Twice in one day is enough. He’s got fancy mayo to prepare. He lets go and hurries to the counter. “So. What’s... What were you working on earlier?” Don’t mind if his voice is a little rough, it’s fine.

Sir Pentious

"Oh, just more repairs. Installing new parts and making some delicate calibrations that the Eggs can't handle." He's watching Alastor and not even paying attention to the tea, that's gonna seep for a good while.

Alastor

“I ought to take an evening or two to help out with repairs.” He’s talking as much to himself as to Telly. “I keep coming over and *watching,* there’s no reason I can’t pick up a wrench or screwdriver and pitch in.”

Sir Pentious

"I'd love for you to help, I can get instruct you what to do just fine, I know how capable you are." A smile, and then he's re-noticing the tea and pouring a cup. Adds a little honey for sweetness and takes a satisfied sip.

Alastor

He passes over the first sandwich. “If it goes horribly with the tea: I’m sorry, forgive me, I did my best, it’s not my fault.”

Sir Pentious

Telly laughs. "I'm sure it will be fine, Alastor." He takes the sandwich and bites, and then takes a sip of tea, and then makes a very surprised and delighted noise. "Oh, that tastes wonderful."

Alastor

“Good!” He finishes his own, takes a bite—good—and pours some tea for himself to try—well, it still tastes like tea, but like, at least a tea that pairs well with the sandwich. “The good news is I think I’m starting to differentiate the taste of green tea from other teas.”

Sir Pentious

A smile. "Good! I'm glad. Maybe you're acquiring the taste for tea, at least a bit." A wink, and then he's back to eating. He finishes it far, far too fast-- Telly really does just inhale his food when propriety isn't a factor-- and then he's just sipping his tea. His tail slides over to curl around Alastor's calf.

Alastor

Alastor's taken two bites. He pauses before the third. "... Do you want another sandwich?"

Sir Pentious

Oh, shy snake look, and then a little nod. "Yes, please." And his tail retracts to let Alastor move.

Alastor

He waves his shadow over to do it and nudges Telly's tail with his foot. He's staying put.

Sir Pentious

Oh! Good, the tail is curling back around and holding him, and he smiles just so fond and bright. And another sip of tea.

Alastor

Alastor returns the smile—it still looks tired, but it’s just a little warmer when he meets Telly’s gaze. “I’m sorry I threw you off your schedule today.” Such as it was; Alastor was getting the distinct impression that Telly’s schedule was *however much I can get done today in as many hours as I can keep working.* “I’ll help you get back on track. And next time it’s your turn to have an emotional breakdown, all right?”

Sir Pentious

He laughs softly, and reaches over to take Alastor's hand, thumb stroking gently. "Alright, but you have to mop up after." A snicker.

Alastor

Alastor squeezed Telly’s hand. “It’s a deal.”

Sir Pentious

He hums and takes another sip of his tea, not letting go of Alastor's hand. "Is my other sandwich done?"

Alastor

Alastor glances over.

His shadow is just, sorta, standing there, awkwardly, holding a sandwich, watching this tender moment. Heyyy.

Alastor gestures. Go on, put the man’s sandwich down.

Sir Pentious

And he is devouring the sandwich, very happily. A contented snake.

Alastor

Well, for all Alastor’s flaws, at least he can help keep one snake fed—and that’s something, isn’t it? He continues eating his own sandwich. It’s a little awkward with one hand, but right now nothing could make him let go of Telly.

[shuskas-story-book]

Leave it to the Bees

Based off the song "Let it Go" by James Bay.

Eridan smiled over at the Asian male next to him, miss-matched eyes smiling back over the table back to his own odd violet ones. He couldn't help the small quirk to his lips as the waitress came over and sat down a set of drinks for the boys to enjoy, Sollux taking his drink and taking a drink with a soft little 'ah' afterwards. "Tho..... Friday night, and I'm already theeing a bunch of Thirtth jutht waltzing into the bar." he commented with a smirk as another male walked into the bar, his tie undone and a 5 o'clock shadow highlighting his jawline.

Eridan couldn't help the soft giggle that escaped him with a nod, reaching out and taking his own drink with a curious sniff at the strawberry filled liquid. "Sol...what did you order for me again?" he asked, head tilting to the side as he took the straw between his lips and tasting it with a shocked little hum. Eridan hadn't expected it to be so good, his boyfriend having been bad about ordering a strong drink and not warning him about the bitters or the high alcohol content of the drink in question.

Sollux smiled a bit and watched eridan over the edge of his sunglasses with a curious gaze. "It'th called a midthummernight dream. Got'th vodka, two Ruthian alchoholth, and a thit ton of thtrawberrieth" he explained. Eridan nodded and looked to the pink drink in his hand again. "Well for once, it tastes amazin and I'm glad I let you choose my drink" he replied with a small hum in his throat.

"And what, pray tell, did you choose for yourself?" he asked, folding his fingers together and resting his dimpled chin upon them. Sollux blinked and looked at the amber liquid in his glass. "uhh....I think it'th called a 'headleth horthman?" he asked himself, head cocking to the side slightly as he took another sip and nodded "yea. think that'th what it'th called. But anywayth, we have a lot to talk about." Sollux cooed, resting his chin in the palm of one bony hand as the other reached out to carefully rub against Eridan's arm.

The Ampora arched a brow and watched the computer calloused fingers as they trailed over his pale skin. "Oh? and what would we need to talk about Sol? Did I do something wrong to one of your builds?" he asked, unfolding the well manicured fingers and moving them to hold his lovers. "Or....is it the fact that were moving in together?" he asked with a small smile, head tilting to the side.

Sollux couldnt help but snort softly and nod. "of courthe it'th the move Danny. Jutht think, we'll be in our own plathe. Cronuth can fuck off, Tuna wont be able to barge in on our cuddle thethionth......or....anything elthe" he teased with a wink that caused Eridan to blush dark. That inuendo had happened more than once to the duo and had ended in a very embarrassing conversation with Psiimon over what was not allowed in his house.......again.

"W-well....I still say that wasn't our fault. He should know not to barge into his big brother's room....Mituna is 13 now after all!" he huffed softly as Sollux just laughed and shook his head. "Yea yea yea. But you know my dad'th thuper protective of Tuna" he hummed, moving his hand to rub a thumb over Eridan's knuckles.

The conversation slowly trailed off between the two as they finished their drinks off, Eridan still being a lightweight even after Cronus and his military drinking habits dragged the younger along for the ride. Sollux wound up taking the keys away from his lover and hooking an arm around him in order to help walk the short distance to their taxi.

Time passed very differently for them during times like this, soft kisses and gentle touches that had them both calm and comforted as they fell asleep in one another's arms. They were still tangled up with one another, light dancing across sleeping limbs when they're woken up by a hyperactive little brother. Mituna was more than excited to see Eridan again, almost pulling the Ampora from his still sleeping lovers arms in an attempt to get someone to play a video game with him.

Sollux wound up being woken up and games played as breakfast was made and plated. Eridan couldn't help but think of how cute it would be to have their own little family like this. He sat his chin on a palm and watched the two brothers bicker over the fact that Mituna did not, in fact, need half a bottle of syrup for his stack of 5 pancakes with a smile on his face. "You two are so cute together like that you know?" he mentioned softly, a loving look on his features that had Sollux blushing a bit and Mituna puffing up his cheeks with a defiant little 'nuh uh!'.

Eridan laughed softly and shook his head. "Sorry. I guess I'm just holding on to that old dream of having a family. Deffinately something we dont need right now," he cooed, looking up to Sollux who rubbed the back of his head nervously. "heh....uh...yea Danny.....That'th thomething that can wait a few yearth to make thure were actually ready" he agreed softly, both of the older boys jumping when something shattered over near the sink.

Mituna was standing there, hands over his mouth, eyes wide, and one of Sollux's favorite mugs in pieces on the floor. The poor boy looked like he was about to burst into tears when Sollux knelt down to pick up the largest piece with a sigh. "well....tho much for that one" he muttered, head shaking a bit.

"I-I'm th-th-thorry Th-Thollux!" Mituna sobbed softly, backing away against the cabinet as Sollux frowned. " Woah woah, hey.....Tuna no come on. Let it go. Thith broke, jutht let it be. It'th no ithue tho jutht keep being happy little you and I'll be normal grumpy me. It'th jutht a mug, and like everything elthe that breakth, we'll leave it to the beeth." he stated with a smile, collecting the broken shards before stacking it in a pile and sitting it in a bin dubbed 'for bee houses'.

"thee? Nothing wrong. They'll love that blue color" he continued, Mituna nodding along with the fear of broken glass long behind him."Yea! I'll be me and you be you! We can make bee houtheth later!" he rattled off, the older boys easily falling in behind his enthusiasm for the day.

****************************************************

Time passed quickly, the apartment being gotten and their shared world slowly coming together. But things seemed to sour at the drop of a hat once Sollux started doing computer repairs from home more and more. Things seemed to jump back and forth from throwing clothes on the floor at the end of the night, to slamming doors and the two of them sleeping in separate rooms almost nightly.

Sollux had brought home something from his dad's house, just trying to bring some home cooking back into their lives and give a bit of color to the drab grey things had gotten to. Of course, shit hit the fan pretty quickly when the wrong things were said and a fight ensued. in the end, they were sitting at different ends of the dining table so they could eat. Eridan had his head in his hands and Sollux had his nose in his phone to try and just keep his mind off the fight they just had.

Eridan spoke up first, voice shaky as he tried to keep from crying. "Sollux.....if this is it...if these fights are all we're living for......why do we insist on doing this anymore?" he asked softly, sniffling lightly as he turned his eyes up to his lover. "I used to recognize myself but now I feel like I'm just a husk of who I used to be" he continued, jumping a bit when Sollux pushed his chair back with a snarl.

"Well it'th funny how our reflectionth fucking changed now ithnt it? Thinthe we're becoming thomething elthe, I'll jutht leave you here for a while." he growled, storming off to the room. Eridan moved in after him, watching the thin bee lover packing a backpack with tear filled eyes. "S-Sollux.....No come on.....I-I didn't mean it like that, please just let it go!" he begged softly.

"No Eridan!" Sollux snapped, turning to the other with a snarl. "Jutht let it be. You can thtay here and be you. I'm going home, thpending time with tuna, and I'll be me. Everything here ith fuckin broke tho leave it to the beeth alright?! " he snapped, slamming the door to the apartment after pushing his way past his lover and out into the hallway.

By the time he made his way to the lobby the storm outside had finally come to a head, rain pouring down and making it quite hard to see even if you had headlights on. Sollux stood in the lobby for a moment, pausing himself to just think about the situation for a few moments before he heard Eridan's voice call out from the elevator. "I'm not fucking dealing with thith!" he growled to himself, glaring back at Eridan as he pushed through the doors and out into the pelting rain.

Things happened too quickly to really realize what transpired, A bike rider rushing by, a driver going too fast on a slick road, and the crunch of bone and glass before everything just froze around Eridan. Sollux was laying in the middle of the road, a terrified teen getting out of her car with a terrified scream as the rain started to soak her and the male she hit through to the bone. Eridan's blood ran ice cold as he shook his head and ran out into the storm screaming Sollux's name. trying to get some form of reaction from his lover.

*************************************************

"He's not going to wake up for quite a while Mr. Ampora. Please, make yourself comfortable and dont touch any of the wiring near him. " the doctor stated softly, patting Eridan's shoulder with a broad, gentle hand. The smaller male nodded, puffy red eyes locked on the sleeping form of his one and only.

He waited for the doctor to leave him alone to move over and sit next to Sollux's bed with a sniffle. His hand reached out to carefully settle into Sol's, a sob escaping him as his normally warm fingers felt ice cold against the Ampora's.

"This feels so wrong Sol....y-your way too cold" he whispered aloud, tears already welling in his eyes and falling over his cheeks. "God.....There's no force on earth that could make this feel right......" he whimpered, laying his head down on the white sheets of the bed and squeezing Sol's fingers tightly.

"C-come on.......Just....I'm letting the fight go. You're right a-and I'm not being responsible enough with what I've been spending lately...W-we've been pushing this problem uphill and not taking a chance to really.....really talk it through" he whimpered softly, mostly just rambling on to himself in the silence. "I guess it just.....got too heavy to hold tonight and look at what we let happen.....what I let happen" he whispered to himself, head lifting so he could see his lovers face as a tear fell down his cheek. "I think it's time to let our words slide......please....forgive me"

*******************************************

A few months after the wreck, Eridan was settled in his old room, snuggled up next to Sollux as they looked through a thick picture book. "Oh, remember when we went to Alternia beach? That was the best date I think we've ever had" he said, both boys laughing a bit. "Yea....It wath a fun date...Thtill think we thould have left Tuna at home for that one though. We could have gone through and done the turtle thnorkling" Sol purred at his little lover as he stretched out and closed the book.

Cronus came by the room and knocked on the frame of the open door, offering a small smile. "Hey Danny-boy.....Feel like going up to Star Touch Point with me tonight? We can go watch the star shower together like old times....you can even bring Sollux if you want" he offered, the look on his face growing even sadder as Eridan looked up at Sol with a smile. "Yea.....We would love to come watch the shower with you Cro....I'll grab my bag and shoes and we'll meet you out there!" he chirped, sitting up and stretching before reaching over to grab his shoes and socks.

They all piled into Cronus's old pickup, the military boy making sure things were tuned up before the drive to their secluded 'brother zone' as they had called it in their youth. They made it right around nightfall and the two younger boys were quick to abandon Cronus at the car to run up to the top of the hill with cheerful laughter. Cro just shook his head with a soft chuckle and let them go ahead

Time seemed to stand still once they made it up overlooking the town in the distance. Sollux smiled and moved over in front of Eridan before waving his hand to the bag. "Tho ED......you ready to let it go?" he asked softly, Eridan's smile faltering a bit "I-I dont know what you mean Sol....Let what go?" he questioned, Sol shaking his head. "Come on ED....Danny.....jutht....let it be"

Eridan started shaking his head a bit "N-no....Sollux I.....Please dont make me do this" he begged softly, Sollux just smiling sadly and tilting his head to the side. "Why not tonight?.....It'th our anniverthary after all. Why don't you be you for tonight. I'll be me jutht like old timeth" He offered, taking a few steps backwards. "Everything broke Danny....."

"NO! Sollux please don't make me do this! Please y-you made it out of the hospital, y-youve been weak but you made it.....please!" he whimpered, head shaking as tears started welling in his eyes. "Eridan pleathe....leave it to the beeth for a while....let them take your worrieth and tearth" Sollux whispered softly, Eridan letting his hand reach down into his courier bag to pull out a silver and gold container.

It was a pretty little thing, Bees etched into the metal and accentuated with gold leaf over the silver of the body and Sollux's name etched into the base gorgeously. "No.....please....I'm not ready to let you go" Eridan whispered, turning his eyes out over the cliffed edge of the hill that separated him from where Sollux was floating over thin air. "Eridan...Let my atheth fall here.....You've held on for tho long....."

"Sollux.....I dont want to let you go! I love you....Please just.....J-Just come back please!" Eridan begged, soft sobs wracking his chest as Sollux shook his head. "No Eridan.....You need to forget m-" He was cut off by Eridans loud sob "NO! NO NO NO.....no....."

"Come on Danny.....don't make thith harder on yourthelf. Let me go.....Jutht....Let me be" he continued, slowly stepping forward to kneel where Eridan had fallen to his knees, clutching the urn to his chest. "Why don't you go live your life.....Go be you.....and I can be me" Sol whispered, Eridan not looking at him anymore as he carefully opened the locked top to the urn and pulled a bit of ash out to cradle in his hand.

As he carefully let the ash sift through his fingers Sollux smiled again, leaning over and hugging his love tightly. "Thank you Eridan......I love you......Thank you for setting me free" he whispered, pulling back and pressing a soft kiss to Eridan's forehead for a final lingering bit of warmth on the Ampora's skin as he faded away in the soft breeze that carried his ashes down over a large field of flowers.

Cronus waited a bit longer after hearing Eridan stop screaming no before moving up to kneel beside his little brother and rest a large hand over the smaller boy's back. "hey.....He's still here.....look, he even sent a little friend to say hello" he offered, a small bee buzzing softly as it landed on Eridan's hand for just a fleeting moment before continuing off towards its hive for the night.

For the first time in four months, Eridan didn't feel that deep stab of guilt in his heart. Instead he felt the light breeze around him, the warmth of his brother's hand, and more importantly, the soft kiss of the night as the first of the stars began to shoot through the night sky.

[grlfriends]

revolutionary girl utena review

ep 1-5

the plot is actually kinda different from what I thought ?? in my mind the plot was: utena was a girl in a princess school who each and every princess would be "conquered" (for a lack of better words rn) in a ceremonial duel by a prince who fancied them, maybe she didnt wanna wanna marry anyone or she liked Anthy already but anyway in my mind utena showed up in the ceremony with duel clothing and then, in a very brave tm like-scene, she would openly declare she refused to be conquered by anyone and tbh I'm not even sure how Anthy would come into the plot... but back into what actually happened in the episodes everything so far is very introductory and just showing what mechanics will be explored further down the line I think?? the op is really good too

also every boy so far reminds me so much of knights of the zodiac?? maybe it's just the design I guess...) and nanami can get these hands, jealousy is a disease and she's the sickest person on earth for all I know

dont ask me why bit I just feel like room of mirrors - gfriend has a very well fitting vibe for it but I'm not exactly sure why hm.... 🤔🤔

ep 6-12

ok so why does this school just have random animals around 😐 I could understand the horse but a bull and a kangaroo?? what ...

touga just says the most random dramatic things and then just casually says anyone who believes in friendship is a fool ?? the guy wouldnt last a day in the naruto universe tbh, he kinda irks me in some way but I'm not sure why so I'll live with this strange feeling for a while I guess

↳ okay so watching ep 10 made me especially kinda creeped out, I know I've watched only 10 eps so far but like can he fall downstairs and break a neck or something already ...

also haha what if I watched that bet on it fmv and gave myself a bunch of spoilers would that be funny or what 😍 this is why i cant have nice things yall.... hope my memory goes to shit when sleep so I dont remember about it this week while I finish it

I feel like the main thing on the episodes are parallels, one way or another I always feel like they're setting up parallels and giving me clues for a bigger picture and a deeper plot arc that is still to come and the bet on it fmv just made this impression stronger, also I wanna say it's done in a good way, one that is both mysterious (??) and "honey you've got a big storm coming" at the same time 🤔🤔 much to think about honestly

↳ just saw ep 11 and even though I already knew this was coming sooner or later it still felt like crap seeing utena lose to dick head, at the end of the episode when he says anthy was always just reflecting utena's own wishes for himemiya (in another way bc I dont remenber the exact words) it felt like 😐 bc yes I knew that (the way she was working her thoughts was simply a copy and paste of what utena was saying) at all time I kept those essays about anthy in my head, I dont think theyll be truly relatable to what I'm seeing rn but yeah anthy rights (even though I know you betray/cheat on utena down the line bc of the bet on it fmv but I'm sure you had your own motivation)

↳ saw ep 12 bc I just couldnt handle being in a cliffhanger and yeah it happened what I absolutely thought it would lmao not that it was that difficult to foresee but yeah, I kinda liked how utena did it for her instead of being like "oh I wanna save anthy from touga" and treating her like a damsel in distress (I know that's kinda her position as the rose bride for what I've been told so far and that this is a subject spoken about in many many essays on tumblr but yeah) bc so far she's been treated as a trophy and a way to get something else, for the green haired guy it was a way to see something eternal, for miki it was a way to hold on into his "shining thing" and for touga it seems (so far) like a way to manipulate (just like he does with nanami) and just mark his position as above everyone else as he seems to view himself?? man I might be saying random stuff rn but it kinda does makes sense in my mind with the information I've had to this point

ep 13-25

honestly 😐😐 through 9 whole episodes I felt like they were trying to make the side characters deeper and show their hidden face and motivations but it felt so shallow...... not even actually shallow, just not deep enough that it would make me care about these characters and the fact there was no actual build to showing us why we're getting to know these characters backgrounds was just kinda meh too, didnt really help that all episodes had all the same formula and the same timing just for the developers made in those episodes be forgotten at the end and also just that pink haired guy could be like "ah failure again", it felt like watching the same episode over and over again, it was really tiring and like?? girl help I do not care about these characters at all, I feel like it could have been done well (like the keiko ep in comparison to the furuba chapter that deals with the yuki appreciation (??) club president graduating.... the way this ep was done and setup didn't really bring me any emotions) overall not to my taste and tbh I feel like I could have skipped all those episodes except for maybe the miki and juri one so 😑

all nanami focused episodes are the worst so far, she's so boring and I cant stand now annoying she is, the diary episode?? the cow episode?? the episode when tsuwabiki fuels with utena?? honestly I know they're trying to show me a better and different side of her but it just doesnt!! work!! bc i feel no sympathy for her, my biggest wish rn is her and touga just disappearing and no more filler episodes🗣🗣

I thought akio was utena's prince?? but apparently he's just anthy's brother and like.. I'm do done with his little talks with utena and yadda yadda, I just wanna see their duel is that too much to ask I'm dying over here (if this lenga lenga continues until ep 25 i will be so mad bc why were so many episodes wasted on such boring and and not necessary side characters backstories?? idc about them at all man aaaaaaaaaa)

↳ ep 25 was good finally we got what we deserve boys 😭😭😭😭😭 can utena just beat up akio already I'm tired of his ass, he exhales both "I'm a feminist I even take women studies classes #herstory" and "if she breathes she's a thot" energy also he has 0 style that mullet is simply horrible I bet there's a hairstylist community who considers him a criminal bc like 😐 it is simply so bad (q bit less when it's tied up but when it's all lose jesus Christ)

also touga thinks he's suuuuch a genius, sooo smart like king, I do not care about you at all can you shut the fuck up please and can we tall about the pink haired guy episode?? wack. honestly thought it would be more emotional or something, I binge watched 12 episodes with his ugly haircut face and did not even feel a thing he can choke I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ANTHY TAKING A SWORD OUT OF UTENA'S CHEST??? OSCAR WORTHY KINGS❗❗❗and then her lame ass brother being like "oh ho ho idk idk" shut up no one cares no one cares I swear to you no one cares shut uuuuup

ep 25-39

first of all, ep 25 was good but kinda reminded me of the nine episodes (13 until 21) where absolutely nothing interesting happened so I hope I'm wrong also can I just say just seeing the preview of the next episode made me roll my eyes so bad I almsot saw my brain?? bc yeah I'm fucking tired of nanami fosuced episodes she's so annoying oh my god nobody cares about a goddamn egg and much less one coming from her let her die or something pls she's so annoying there's nothing I've learned about her that was not against my own will I'm basically rotting over here 🤒

↳ ep 30 has me thinking Akio has a foot fetish or something 😐 bruh leave utena aloooooone I already know your plans and schemes you're not fooling anyone that's embarrassing for u and also... utena you're not very bright are you.... you start seeing every duelist you face with the same exact car and then when you see akio has the same car you didnt even stop to think about it that 1+1 equals 2 ... girl help yourself 😐

↳ yet again another nanami focused ep 😐😐😐😐😐 even though I do understand her better now I still don't find her particularly enjoyable to watch, call me a woman hater but like. idk she's still a bit annoying to me (but touga is straight up evil and is manipulating her so I feel bad for feeling like that tho.....)

↳ ok last 2 eps to go but listen. I thought the akio duel would have happened much sooner, maybe on ep 33 max but well didn't this age well lmao ngl, it did seem a bit too slow paced for my personal taste but also I feel like there's a certain level of drama that comes with slowing the pace down....

↳ aaaaaa yall I'm kinda 😢😭 over the ending omg........... even though it took the best of me to keep going in some parts I still enjoyed the ending aaaaa I thought i wouldnt really like it bc I just usually dont enjoy this type of ending but stil 😢😢😢😢 wait for me utena 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 girl I cried and then anthy walking in the end god utena and anthy holding hands 😭😭😭😭 akio can suck my dick

there's obviously many things I've missed or that I kinda didnt really pay attendance to so please dont take this serious, I was just writing as I watched the episodes so it's more like a thought compilation than anything, still I can see why there's many essays written about it and why it is held as a masterpiece by so many people

[gingerwritess]

Okay here me out tho. What if reader dies when the twins are given birth. Twins survive but mother’s gone

THIS IS AN AU. A FUCKING U. I JUST COULDNT HELP MYSELF.

ok this has birth, death, knives, mentions of suicide, overall angst

you’ve been warned

ps don’t let me write while i’m on my period oh my go s h was i craving pain or what

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

You’re good at giving birth, by this point.

You don’t scream so much anymore, and by the fourth kid, it’s over in a heartbeat with little more than a good punch in the stomach.

The twins don’t cry.

That should’ve been the first sign that something was wrong.

Loki’s a bit more concerned with the fact that they were born blue—he hadn’t even touched them yet.

It’s too quiet in the grand bedroom. A couple healers clean up, washing the silent newborns and choosing to keep quiet about the fact that they’re clearly not aesir, and you sink back into your pillows.

Loki’s staring at his two baby boys.

“You look so surprised,” you whisper, but he doesn’t move—maybe he didn’t hear you. “Every time this happens, you act like you didn’t expect this.”

Still doesn’t move.

You feel empty. Something’s missing; certainly the two children that spent the past nine months in your stomach, but something more.

“Just hoping.”

Loki reaches around the healer washing the last of the two and gently presses his thumb to the ridges on the baby’s forehead.

“I had hoped, with these two.”

It’s a disembodied sensation, and you decide not to answer. There’s no point in answering; he doesn’t get any better. Each child, every time you reassure him of his uniqueness, it only lasts for a couple days.

The hatred is beaten, cut into him. You don’t blame him.

“Why aren’t they crying?”

“They seem to be extremely at peace,” one of the healers quietly answers, wrapping each baby in a snug blanket. “As I’m sure you already felt, your majesty.”

Loki nods and takes the first little bundle, tucking him in the crook of one arm. “I don’t know why. This should be immense stress on them, being thrown into a new world.”

“I can’t tell exactly why either,” the healer smiles, handing Loki the other baby. “But they seem to have found immediate peace with their surroundings.”

“Maybe it’s just...just ‘cause they’re born here,” you yawn, struggling to lift a hand to wave around the room. Your limbs are suddenly impossibly heavy—must just be the exhaustion.

Yes, it’s only the Asgardian air. Maybe your body still adjusting to a new realm—even though it’s been almost three years—or even the waves of divinity starting to be put into place.

Your body hadn’t taken well to the fruit in the first place, trying to vomit immortality right back out of your stomach. Such unnatural gifts, trying to change the course of human nature, trying to alter the cycle of your human life, you can’t reach it without some tribulation.

It’s still wrong, to try and make you live an extra five thousand years.

“I think the apples are working,” you grit out, struggling to sit up and reaching for your newborns. “I don’t feel so connected to my body anymore.”

Loki turns to blink at you, head tilting ever-so-slightly. “That’s...good.”

The healer doesn’t say anything, just keeps her head bowed and slips out the door.

“Does this feel weird to you?” Head suddenly filling with fog, you lower yourself back onto the pillows with a wince. “Why aren’t we ecstatic?”

“I’m overjoyed,” Loki smiles. It looks pained.

He presses a kiss to each of their blue foreheads and hands the twins to you, tucking them securely by your sides before leaning down to meld his lips into yours, a hand cradling your cheek.

They’re beautiful, two beautiful, blue babies, undoubtedly red eyes closed in a peaceful sleep as they breathe softly.

“We got our twins,” you whisper with a smile, gazing down at them before glancing back up at Loki. “We’ve got four kids, my king.”

“And a kingdom to rule.” He shakes his head with a quiet laugh. “I doubt I’ll even manage to have any power within the palace.”

Your laugh morphs into a yawn, throat cracking as your eyes drift shut.

“Wake me up when it’s time to feed them,” you mumble, cradling them closer to your chest. “Can’t keep my eyes open.”

“Sleep, my love.” He presses his lips to yours once more, a truer smile tugging at the corners. “You deserve a lifetime of rest, after all you’ve done.”

Two hours later the twins start squirming, red eyes opening and soft gurgles rousing Loki from his own rest.

“Darling.” He leans over and kisses you, thumb slowly stroking over your cheek. “You’re being summoned.”

You don’t move, and Loki tries again, feeling horrible for having to wake you in the first place. You haven’t slept this well in months.

The heavy wooden door creaks open and two tired pairs of eyes peek in, glittering with excitement.

“Dad?”

“Come meet your brothers,” Loki calls out quietly, a finger to his lips before pointing at your still form and waving his two other kids into the room.

Stumbling over each other to get to the bed first, Frigg prevails and clambers over you with an excited squeal, grinning down at the two little babies between you and Loki.

“Hello, babies,” she whispers in awe, brushing a finger along each of their tiny blue noses. “I’m Frigg. What’re their names, daddy?”

“We haven’t fully decided yet.” Loki picks one of them up with a grin, planting a soft kiss on his cheek before handing him to Elliot. “We’ll choose the names for certain once your mother wakes.”

“They’re blue,” Elliot points out in a hushed voice. “Are they always blue?”

“Born that way and stayed that way, so far.”

“Adorable,” he grins, hugging the baby tight against his chest.

“Can’t mommy wake up already? I want to name them!”

Shushing Frigg with a laugh, Loki places a hand on your shoulder and gently calls out to you.

No response.

Distracted by the babies, Frigg doesn’t see Elliot’s excited expression fall like a stone through water.

“Dad.”

Something is wrong. Something just spilled over, upset the balance in Elliot’s uneasy soul.

Something is very, very wrong, and Loki’s only cradling your cheek and gazing down at your sleeping form in pure adoration.

“Dad,” he repeats, panic starting to tinge the edges of his voice. “Dad, I don’t think she’s okay.”

“She’s just given birth,” Loki reassures his son, but his hand slips to your neck, thumb moving to find your pulse point. “She’s well beyond tired, after what these two did to h—”

His voice dies in his throat.

After what these two did to you? What exactly...did they do to you?

The world goes silent, dull, the golden lights in the room appearing to pulsate.

Elliot’s blinking, a deafening thud of skin on skin and drops clinging to his eyelashes, and Frigg says something he can’t hear.

“Get out.”

His lips moved, sound came out, but Loki can’t hear himself speak.

“Get out, both of you.”

Judging from the way Frigg flinched, he figures he shouted that time.

Loki’s kids scramble to their feet, set the babies back on your bed, and run out the door before he’s realised he’s standing.

You’re cold.

For the first time in the entirety of your life together, you are cold.

“Say something,” he snaps, staring at your body.

A quiet gurgle bubbles from one of the twins’ throats.

“You.”

He knows there’s no point speaking to them. Alive for less than a day, and he’s talking like they understand.

“You killed my wife.”

The twins gaze up at him, red eyes having never shed a tear and blue skin free from any stain.

He just needed to hear it said aloud.

They’re at peace. They found immediate peace with their surroundings.

“You took everything.”

Red eyes blink, tiny blue mouths yawn.

“You took her life, so you could find peace,” he hisses, dropping to his knees. “You split her in two.”

Loki refuses to accept it, but it does make some semblance of sense.

They’re already split, divided in two since the day they were conceived, two different beings trying to fuse together into one.

A half-life thanks to him, further divided when one became two.

These twins needed you, they needed more than your body could provide—only one-fourth of their entire essence actually came from him.

That leaves you to give them every drop of living power your mortal existence could create. Every breath went to them.

Loki swallows thickly, tears freezing over on his skin and shattering with the movement of every muscle.

Every ounce of immortality you’d gained went to them.

He’d tried to extend your life and his children had taken it for themselves.

“You killed my wife,” he whispers again, dragging himself to heavy feet. “You killed my wife. You killed my wife.”

The door swings open and Thor rushes in, the tearstained faces of Elliot and Frigg not daring to peek past the doorway.

Thor stops in his tracks.

Standing over your dead body, his brother is practically chanting, a man possessed as he stares at the two newborn babies bundled on the bed beside you.

“You killed my wife. Y-you killed my wife. You killed my wife. You killed m—”

“Loki.”

His gaze snaps up to meet Thor’s, and a glint of metal in Loki’s hand makes the god lunge forward and tackle him to the ground.

“Let me—”

“NO,” Thor shouts, grabbing the knife from Loki’s hand and hurling it across the room. “You’re not in your right mind, DO NOT KILL THESE CHILDREN—”

“LET ME GO,” Loki nearly screams, thrashing under his grip, fingers scrabbling for his knife again. “LET ME GO, JUST—JUST—”

His voice cracks into incoherent sobs and Frigg runs away from the doorway, having seen and heard plenty.

“Just let me die,” Loki whispers hoarsely, giving one last attempt to throw Thor off of him before going limp on the ground. “I’ve tried so many times. That knife was for me. Just let me die.”

“No.” Thor’s breathing heavily, still pinning Loki’s arms to his sides.

“Please.”

“No,” he repeats, stronger this time. “You have four children who love you. Who need you. You have a kingdom that depends on you, that looks to you as their king.”

“I have no wife,” Loki rasps, starting to struggle again. “I have no love, no wife, no love left in my life—”

“Dad.”

It’s a small voice, timid but sure.

“Please stay.” Elliot crouches by his side, nodding at Thor to release his hold on him. “Now we...we don’t have a mother.”

Loki’s body falls slack, silence fills the room for a moment, then he dissolves into sobs.

Gut-wrenching, soul-crushing sobbing, messy and wet and Elliot grabs him, wrapping his arms around his neck and hugging him tighter than he’s ever been able to before.

“She gave me everything,” Loki chokes, clutching at his son’s shirt. “Everything I have, it’s her’s, I don’t—”

“It’s yours, dad, she gave it to you for a reason. Don’t throw us away. Please.”

“I won’t,” he promises, trying to convince himself, “I won’t.”

Several minutes pass locked in their embrace until Loki takes a shuddering breath and lets go, trying his best to compose himself.

“Don’t hide this,” Elliot whispers, wiping away his tears with the back of his hand. “That’s too much to keep inside.”

Loki nods, gulping in air and shakily letting Thor help him to his feet. “F-Frigg?”

“Ran away when she saw the knife.”

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers in horror. “I’m so sorry. I couldn’t—not them, no, no, me...”

Elliot gives him a sad, ready smile and shrugs. “Might want to tell her that.”

He nods furiously, taking a few unstable steps towards the bed. Next to your body, the two newborn twins are blinking, skin still glowing that bright blue.

And even still, through all that just happened, not a single tear has fallen from those crimson eyes.

They have you.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

hope you enjoyed, please reblog and feel free to send me ideas!

~ masterlist link in my bio ~

loki tags: @bluediamond007 @himitoshi @drakesfiance @destiel1597 @dangertoozmanykids101 @archy3001 @jcalpha1 @yzssie @skullvieplu @forthesnakeofdragons @skulliebythesea @wegingerangelica @storiesfrommirkwood @agarwaeneth @adaliamalfoy @laurfangirl424 @paradisaicsam @fitzsimmons-is-forever @ladylokimischief @katelinwrites @tarynkauai @polaristrange @loavesofmeat @canadian-ravenpuff-multishipper @lou-makes-me-strong @holyn0vak @chocolatealmondmillk @swtnrholland @kenzieam @jessiejunebug  @catticas @the-republic-and-face-of-texas @doralupin01 @whitewitchdown @atomiccharmer @falconfeather23435 @babygirlicecream @avengrcs @vethrvolnir2 @bookgirlunicorn @wabisabigrl @myhealingstar @khaleesi-marvel @ei77777 @spacecrumbs @scarlettghost13 @rocks-are-pretty-odd @confessionsofastrugglingteen @easilydistractedwriter @arttasticgreatnessoftheawesome77 @fluffyllamaswearinghats @milktearose @lcyouinhell @h0tshotholland @dontmesswithmemundane @southsidesarcasticwriter @helnik-s @lilith-akemi @fire-in-her-veinz @unlikelysamwinchesteronahunt @mischievousbellerina @kcd15 @mellowgirl01 @lokislilcaribbeanprincess @allthingzhiddleston @scorpionchild81 @lokixme @blue-automne @galaxycharmed @devilbat @kangaroobunny @end-up-well @planetariumx @sarcsep @mrfandomtastic @amaru163 @im-way-too-many-fandoms @caswinchester2000 @kybaeza @wester-than-west @vintagesunshinebitch @adefectivedetective @poetic-nikolai @moonduhsted @kerri-masson @iamverity @innaminitus @spnbarnes @narcissxblack @woohoney @anxiousamandapanda @padmeisgay @authordreaming13 @lokisironthrone @theunknowinglys @highfuncti0ningfangirl @epicfallenismine @stubby-toe-589331 @fandomnerdsarecool @retrofantasyland @arch-venus25 @forever-trapped-in-my-dreams @littleredstarfish @marshyrebelcloud @okie–loki @atterodominatus @stfxlou @pandacookieowo

[theharellan]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm. tagged by: stolen from @dansiere tagging: @ghiassan, @deathsreflection, @altuspavus, @windrunnerrs (velanna), @hopewrought, @willbeshot, @seahaloed (iron bull), @asterfed​ (noctis), @ anyone who wants to steal it! also multis feel free to choose a different character

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated (i’m open to roleplaying with non-dragon age characters, and have AUs for other fandoms)

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO. solas is both wildly popular and wildly hated. he’s been more consistently popular than the controversial women in the series, like sera or vivienne, who have only recently begun to get to the point where their tags are less vitriolic (although i’m sure it’s still out there), but there’s still a sizable hatedom that can’t have his name breathed in their vicinity w/o them talking abt how much they hate him. even if you’re currently cosplaying him!

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. again, you have ppl who are super into him and ppl who think he’s ugly. my personal opinion is that i think he’s weirdly pretty, and wish ppl would commit more to his unconventional features rather than try to chisel him into sb more traditionally attractive and that ppl who don’t find him attractive would maybe chill w/ calling him ugly. find him unattractive by all means, but lets embrace the fact that inquisition let their love interests have skin flaws etc and accept that some won’t be our cups of tea.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. its hard to deny at this point tbh.

Are they underrated?  YES / NO / IDK. frustrating as the hate in the tags he has enough fans that i couldnt say he’s underrated w/ a straight face.

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO. he’s the reason the game starts with a bang and not the inevitable dissolution of the conclave b/c the sides are disparate.

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. regardless of solas’ relationship with the inquisitor, there are parallels and contrasts in their stories and he also is the reason they survive inquisition.

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO. fen’harel is well-known and revered, if feared, among the dalish, yet at the same time he’s not remembered for a lot besides locking the gods away-- and the context of that decision has also been lost. as solas he’s relatively unknown until inquisition and especially trespasser.

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. again, polarising!! he has loyal agents and people are willing to speak well of him despite everything, including his enemies sometimes (depending mostly on the inquisitor). 

How strictly do you follow canon?  — generally i try to have a canon basis for my interpretation, even if i interpret the text differently than the author.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  solas is an immortal who is simultaneously jaded and very much invested in the small moments of life. far from being weary of the day-to-day lives of ordinary people, it is systems and orders he is most tired of. he walks an interesting line that feels far less misanthropic than other immortal characters i’ve experienced, yet still he’s quite cynical. as a character who has fought against religious based tyranny before, but in a completely different era, he is in a unique position where what he sees around him is both horrifyingly familiar and yet completely new. it allows an exploration of the wrongs of thedas’ society from an outsider’s perspective. his motivations are complex and multifaceted, often condemnable and yet also understandable. his character arc in inquisition (if befriended, or regardless in the case of my solas) takes him from a dispassionate, disconnected antagonist to someone deeply invested in the people of thedas, deeply conflicted and actively hoping he will be proven wrong again. i think his story is a testament to human (or elven, or dwarven, or-) connection and how even when we resist we can’t resist creating bonds with the people in our lives. i personally see this bond going beyond the inquisitor hence why i play low-approval solas as conflicted as high-approval, if not when it comes to the inquisitor.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —  solas is selfish and motivated solely by revenge, he’s clinging to a past that clearly no longer exists, if you ignore all the people from it who are still alive. he’s totally unaware of all his flaws and never owns up to any mistakes ever. no, i haven’t listened to a single word solas has said in my life why do you ask. he’s also critical of my faves which means he’s #cancelled, there is clearly no validity to what he’s saying. ksjdf no but in all seriousness i think a lot of reasons ppl don’t find solas interesting are just... weird readings of his character that sometimes have no basis in the text of inquisition, but also there are plenty of perfectly valid reasons to not find him interesting. usually those ppl don’t like... talk abt how much they don’t find him interesting constantly tho. they just chill and aren’t invested in this particular villain. for one thing i think the game missed out on opportunities for exploring how someone who may not have even had a body at the beginning of his existence would feel about gender and sexuality, so making him presumably straight and cis was a boring choice. i also think that the dragon age games being very protagonist-centric hurts solas’ character, there’s no real reason why the inquisitor is the only one who can throw his plans into question but making the player the center of the universe means he’s not allowed to change due to the effects of other companions or NPCs. thank god this is rp and i do what i want.

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  i have a history degree so when the inquisition companions were being teased, solas describing bias in primary sources from the memories he’s seen got me interested in him. but my first playthrough i didn’t actually take him with me all too often, i think my main party was dorian-blackwall-varric. i liked him, and i think he or dorian were my first friends in skyhold, but my initial interest was in other characters. between his dialogue that appealed to the historian in me tho and how his spirit opinions sort of turned everything i’d felt about spirits in the last two games on its head, i started vibing with him more the farther i went in. like merrill set me up for the “spirits are people” thing and solas hit it out of the park. then temple of mythal happened, and i did bring solas with me there. i found his dialogue fascinating and also suspicious, i’d just finished masked empire like the day before da:i came out so i definitely thought solas was an ancient elf in the same vein as felassan. it was after temple of mythal that i actually decided to make his blog, although like as one idk linchpin to cement my status as solas trash... i was hit BAD by the banter bug on my first playthrough, probably got like a dozen banters total. but then at some point late in the game i took solas to the forbidden oasis and he wouldn’t stop talking to people, and i really loved his banter with the rest of my party at the time.

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  replaying inquisition, new DA content when the bioware gods deign to grant us a lifeline, but the biggest thing is my rp partners. i wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the people i write with, new and old. my activity of late hasn’t been the best, work and the summer heat has really been sapping me of energy, and does even during years when we aren’t going through a pandemic. but it’s the thought of my rp partners and love of solas that keeps me coming back.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO / I SINCERELY HOPE I DO? i have my doubts sometimes, but i think i do ok.

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO / SORT OF? there is no headcanon too small for me.

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO. but not lately * gestures to the low activity * i’ve been in this cycle where i get anxious abt late replies, so prioritise them, then burn myself out and can’t write the fics i want. i’ve had two i’ve been DYING to write tho i just... need to find the space in my brain to let myself.

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO. i mean it depends on the day. if i work closing shifts at my store it gets very quiet and boring around 8:30 so i spent the next 90 minutes thinking about character stuff.

Are you confident in your portrayal?  YES / NO / SORT OF? 

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO / SOMETIMES. 

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO / SORTA.

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?  —  i’m going to say ‘no’ because like, i don’t ask for criticism. this is a hobby based on my interpretation of a character, if you think i write solas too soft then you’re welcome to think that, but i’m happy with the balance i’ve struck with his internal versus external behaviour and how he changes based upon who he’s speaking to. if you think i’m erasing straight people by making solas pan then ksjdfs. ok.

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —  yes!!! even if they retread ground already trodden, a) my interpretation may have adjusted since the last time i played or b) a reminder is nice. if it’s new stuff then it’s fun to think about.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  it’d depend on why they disagree. if they just disagree on a subjective opinion about what i took from a certain line, then they’re welcome to their opinion but i don’t necessarily care to hear it. if it is unintentionally hurtful then i would like to know. although rather than a comment i’d rather a non-anonymous message.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  —  same as the above.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  —  if they’re vocal about it i typically just unfollow / softblock if i was following in the first place. people can feel how they want about solas, but i’ve found over the years that if people really hate solas ooc it can often bleed into their ic interactions. it’s really weird seeing your character being brought up repeatedly in threads with others specifically to dunk on, for no reason other than i guess solas is living rent free in their heads, so at least we have that in common. but anyway unfollowing is just the best choice to avoid getting kinda pressed if i’m having a bad day.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  roleplay is the wild west of writing, so i think it’d depend on what the error was. coming at me like “you shouldn’t start a sentence with a preposition” would get a laugh, but i don’t edit my replies much if at all and mistakes will 100% happen. pointing out typos is chill so long as you do it politely.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   —  it depends! i’ve learned that being too easy going actually just means i’m subjecting myself to negative emotions to please people. so i’ve gotten less easy going as the years go by. how does one define “easy going” anyway? does asking that question mean i am objectively not easy going? the longer this thought goes on the more the answer seems to be “probably not,” but i like to think it could be a lot worse.

[whence-the-woody]

Finale commentary under the cut

So I wanted to kind of liveblog as I was watching but held back so these are my remembered reactions/second watch reactions

Bummed there was no song recap but quickly figured itd play at the end

PUPPY. Best part of the ep, lbr, Dean was so cute with him

Theyre really doing a cheesey life montage huh - still not clear whether monsters are a thing in this new world?

I was watching the mins tick by during this first montage like OKAY we get it, cheesey happy home life, move along. There was only 40 mins left of the whole show like get on with it, it went way too long 

We definately needed to restablished that Sam is neat while Dean is messy. Totally necessary to spend time on that. Also didnt Dean get houseproud when they moved into the bunker?? What happened to that?

OMG get on with it

Then becomes apparent that hunting is still a thing. Which if so what was the point of showing then doing fucking laundry and dishes while “Ordinary life” plays - if its not just an ordinary life?

At this point i thought it might go the route of them being listless without hunting as a job but then murder scene so I guess not

This whole pie sequence is stupid and a waste of time, we all know it

Dean being a cold, heartless bitch about everyone being dead. Aces. Not unexpected but still just great. How dare you be so happy about pie fuck you dude. 

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER EILEEN

Pie is the face is not funny my dudes come the fuck on

I started skipping through during the murder scene. I was bored. Like, I dont care about tension building to the murder of a family we dont fucking know. Ive always skipped these scenes, what is the damn point. Its not scary or interesting. 

GET ON WITH IT

Same old FBI bullshit. Nice to see the journal again I guess. But like, this is STILL what we’re doing? In the very last ep? Same old, different day, just like 15 years ago. Really?

Singer and Kripke. Subtle. 

I skipped through the interrogation too. I dont find the scary brother act cool or entertaining 

15 mins in and nothing has happened

Theyre trying so hard to give Dean jokes and nothing is landing, its so cringe just stop

The way the little clown faces pop up - if that supposed to be scary? Really? Its all just so silly rn

Watching it again I realise just how easy this hunt is. The answer is in the journal. They find the exact family. They find the exact barn. The kids are just stood in a cupboard. This is what takes Dean out, really? Its not even a normal hunt, its a way too fucking easy one. 

I do not remember this chick or what ep she was in, maybe theres some parallell or foreshadowing by bringing her back but if there is I dont get it

Bottom line if youre gonna bring people back WHY THE FUCK THIS RANDOM GIRL

I knew so fast he was gonna go out like that. Hanging from a fucking nail

I kept saying out loud not like this, no way, this is so stupid, its so stupid omg

I paused and tried to talk myself into putting aside how stupid and awkward it was for him to be doing this scene hanging off a pole and just try to invest in the emotion of the speech. Which I achieved at times

but why was is so awkward tho?? Just the way hes stood pressed against it is fucking weird. Also 1000% Sam couldve gotten help and he wouldve been FINE. It took so long for them to talk, an ambulance couldve been there before they were done, there was no need for this

Okay the speech did make me cry once I pep talked myself into being invested. The reference to being scared Sam would reject him, the I love you so much, Sam saying dont leave me, the stay with me and tell me its okay - all those moments got me and I did cry. I appreciated the family business line. I liked Jensen telling Jared he always keeps fighting, that was a nice reference. 

BUT there were also those moments that made me scoff, roll my eyes or laugh. The whole “always you and me” bullshit especially. The second I knew he was going to say I’ll be in your heart I yelled at them to no do it, I hate that cheesey move, then literally was like “oh my god, he did it”. It WAS NOT always going to end like this - so much of the last 15 years was proving him wrong about that. This is all just so wrong, it is not good. 

Jensen and Jared did a good job with what they were given in this scene but my god

The audacity of the Cas erasure- always you and me. FUCK YOU. 

I laughed out loud when his last shot was a One Perfect Tear. I was literally like “Oh wow they did that”

DEAN DESERVED A BETTER DEATH

It also kinda loses all impact when you see him like 2 mins later

MIRACLE IS THE REAL MVP ILY

Theyre really doing another montage. Really. Like we get it, hes sad, we didnt need the toast to understand that

Omg Miracle by his side. The best of bois. 

Looking around his room like beer and guns was all dean was. Sure. Aces. 

I choose to believe Bon Jovi was a ref to before Dean went to hell

If Donna is back why isnt anyone else?!?

Oh Jared you look so old bby. Go home. He looks older there then later in the ridiculous make up

Why is that shot made to look like hes leaving the bunker forever?? Like that makes no sense

Bobby greeting him is nice and all BUT IT SHOULDVE BEEN CAS

Also they are 1000% doing the show don’t tell by having Bobby just sit and explain everything. SO FUCKING LAZY

Cas has been out of the empty, helping rebuild heaven. Okay, fine. Even Dean’s reaction to hearing that was fine. BUT YOU ASK WHERE YOUR FUCKING BEST FRIEND IS AND GO SEE HIM. WHO IS THIS VERSION OF DEAN WTF

I know people are upset Cas is back working in heaven but I dont think its anything like before. It sounds like he helped fixed things then got his own heaven. Also he’s God’s Dad, hes not serving God, hes teaching him. I know human Cas done right is what we wanted but I dont hate this for him. BUT WE SHOULD HAVE FUCKING SEEN IT. 

Why is a memory of being a kid with his Dad what Dean is reminiscing on. They have literally reverted him back to s1. There are so many memories dean should be thinking about in fucking heaven

Hes going for a drive

Hes going for a motherfucking drive

In the car he was just in

WHY THE FUCK IS HE ACTING LIKE HE HASNT SEEN BABY IN YEARS WHAT IS THIS SHIT

Hes going to drive around doing nothing until Sam gets there are you fucking kidding me. Not going to see any of his family from the last 15 years, just driving. Absolute horseshit. 

This is the moment where you realise that this episode has changed NOTHING. This is the same ending as the last ep except theyre in heaven not on earth

ITS THE EXACT SAME FUCKING THING

Okay so they skip over how Sam went from going on a hunt to walking with a toddler. OMG how unsubtle that they have literally just labelled the child Dean in big yellow letters. I couldnt help but laugh, how fucking stupid. 

I did get a bit teary when the music started I’ll be honest. But mostly through the whole montage (ANOTHER ONE) I was saying to myself This is so fucking stupid. omg this is dumb, what the fuck is this, so stupid.

They literally did a montage so long they had to play the song twice. Im just done at this point wow. 

The old man make up is so bad I just laughed. The only pictures being of the 4 of them, reinforcing the Winchester only bullshit, great. Not even pics of this new random family Sam’s got. The painfully cliche Dad moments for Sam, again so bad its funny. Omg the hand on the head of this random kid, this is so ridiculous. Old man sam in his bad wig trying so hard to move like hes old and crying in the impala. Wtf is happening, this is SO STUPID 

I thought theyd cast a more attractive son I’ll be honest. So he has the tattoo - are they a hunting family? Because that would go against both s1 Sam they’ve tried to go back to and the s15 Sam they build up to for all those years

I know they were going for an emotional parallel with that “you can go now” but this random man saying it to Sam in that make up, with the music cue lined up right there - its just funny coz its so dumb im sorry

I cant believe they actually played another different version, I’ll never get over that

Theres alot of things I’ll never get over

Is this bridge supposed to mean something? They shouldve picked a setting that meant something

I know theyre trying so hard to make Dean look happy and peaceful to convince us its a good ending but sis no

I laughed out loud when Dean turned around - WHAT IS THAT OUTFIT SAM?

Really, they have nothing to say? No questions, no convo? They just have cheesey smiles and look over the water? This is so wrapped up in a fucking bow trying to force us to feel good my god

The cut almost immediately to them talking to the camera, still in character getup, was so cringe I yelled and turned it off

And they pan out to literally none of the people we want to see . Great, Good. 

LITERALLY WHAT WAS THE POINT 

[stevengrantshubby]

okay, okay okay, okay. so here i go, idk if there will be a point in this but im gonna write it up anyways. so follow me down this weird half thought thur path or whatever

okay, so we know that tfatws takes place 6 months after endgame, long enough for things to no longer be new and the problems with what the avengers did (or undid if you prefer) are really setting in, not even a full year. the people who came back from the blip have only had 6 months to figure out whats going on, where their families were if they still had them, ect, ect and only 6 months for the people who were left behind to “adjust” to having everything ripped away from them. i do wonder about a lot of things from this time, but i doubt that we’ll get a ton of concrete answers about it.

anyways.

when we see sam in the opening action scene hes very confident and self-assured. hes in his element so to speak. hes strong, smart on his feet, and we see sam use his new wings as a shield multiple times which to me feels like either a kind of statement that sam doesnt need the shield or to show that he would be really good with the shield, it feels important somehow considering who important the shield becomes in the show.

also, the military guy tells sam that once the LAF get across the tunisia boarder its supposed to be a no-fly zone so to speak which is why it was important for sam to get him before which hints that not everywhere got rid of boarders. like, tunisia is in northern africa and when we meet the flag smashers later theyre mostly in eastern eurpoe and also torres makes a comment about things not being better during the blip and his american (im pretty sure) so again where these things are happening in relation to boarders and the like it still makes me think about how the world worked through the blip, but again probably wont get concrete answers.

also in this episode we see the first instance of sam being recognized for who he is by a man from tunisia (who im going to consider a character of color tho im not sure if this is considered accurate in the real world) and not recognized by white american men, this happens in episode two as well.

while the shield sort of becomes the super important symbol, we are also shown in this episode that steve has been kind put on a pseudo god-like position. yes, its a joke to ask if hes the moon of all places, but the whole “looking down on us”/”watching over us” feels a lot like the christian capital-G God. he has been put on this kind of pedestal by the people who really didnt know anything about him and also bucky (but hes been hanging by a thread for a while it seems so its a little different) in contrast to sam.

sam has a lot of respect for steve. he calls him courageous, righteous, and hopeful. the best in us because these emotions are supposed to inspire “good works” as it were. sam then states that the world needs new heroes for the current times and that symbols only have meaning because of the people who give them meaning. and upon my rewatch this feels sam want to preserve the meaning that steve, his friend, imbued into the shield but also wants to move forward. i do think that the fact that sam is a black man who is not treated very well by america plays into his decision as well, i also think the fact that we hear the lines from endgame:

- it feels like it belongs to someone else.

-it doesnt.

is important. right now im thinking that the shield is essentially meaningless because steve is gone for all intents and purposes and he dropped it without a second thought. like i get it, in terms of what the show is doing and like i said, how people who dont know steve would probably react but even so many weeks later it sits weird. even the dora milige left the shield behind even though its made of stolen vibranium, cause its just a thing. anyways...

rhodey, after the speech, parrots back at sam that they do live in a different time, but he thinks that this different time does require someone to carry the shield.

then we meet sams sister and his nephews. sam and his sisters relationship does hold a lot of tension between them but theres still so much love there as well. its very normal, reminds me of tension that i feel between myself and some of my family members and that i see between different family members as well.

sarah wilson is a black woman who, like many black women I know, have been holding things together the best she can with (seemingly) not much help. we know that sam left after their father died (i dont remember if their mother is also dead), he couldnt handle it as stated, so he went off and fought. but in being gone he sarah ran the business the best she could. shes also a widow, not sure when that happened but y'know thats there too.

but ii think that how sam feels about his familys home and boat in contrast with how he treated the shield kind of. sam references the boat as their familys legacy (sarah also calls their dad a 'giant' and that not mattering to the bank and probably others) and he doesnt want to let that go no matter what. however both of these are acts of preservation on sams part, just in different ways. he tried to let one go while desperately trying to hold on to the other, one to be put in stasis and one to move forward, grow, passed down ect, ect.

now sam really only tries to get involved with the flag smashers because he theyre super soldiers. and i guess youd call this the inciting incident part of act one.

now the next three episodes are very intertwinded in the plot and what kind of world sam would be becoming captain america in. sam makes an off handed comment that sharon, zemo, and bucky are more worldly than him but thats true. and he does have to...learn, is the best word i have. i mean, the most he can do right now is “make a call” as he puts it which really isnt a lot considering whats been going on.

and to backtrack (sorry if this is all over the place) we do see sam constantly empathizing with the flag smashers and more specifically karli consistently throughout the show. if they werent super soldiers hed not have crossed their path the way that he did. throughout the show, well before episode 4, sam is really focused on like where exactly the super soldiers are coming from, the fact that the flag smashers are stealing money, and food, and medicine he doesnt really care.

when he has his heart to heart with karli the main problem that he has honestly, is the murders (and i do wish that there was distinction made cause that is important, but i know that in show sam probably doesnt know that karli blew up a building with people tied up in it like we do but its important that we know that), when he says that the killings wouldnt make the world better just different along with karli saying “theyre roadblocks on my journey and id kill them again if i had to” (which is 1. very dehumanizing, 2. she says 'my' and not 'our', and 3. she didnt have to kill these low level workers) is more  a restructuring of power instead of dismantling it.

like theres a lot here but my minds not connecting fully.

i know the show isnt over so ii dont really have a conclusion (i honestly havent even said half of what I took notes about) but its like 4 am here and I gotta go to bed. And I dont want this ti be multiple parts right now I just needed to get this outta my system lol.

part 2 whenever

[plainvanillapotato]

the 100 diaries S2 E2

quarantine diaries: may 27 2020

season 2 episode 2: “Inclement weather”

i know y’all said that kane and bellamy arent canonical father and son but i could really see it in this episode. these writers are planted this plot point but then they drop it?? im really curious as to why they did this.

those guns really didn’t level the playing fields bc lets be honest the grounders can fuck it up guns or no guns. and fuck you kane trying to blame and guilt bellamy. not in my household. these kids had no chance of surviving if it werent for mama clarke and pap bellamy. lets also recall the fact that you were part of the council that sent these kids down here in the first place with not actual hope that they would survive.

“this should be fun”-murphy **are they really setting up murphy as the sarcastic/relatable character??? i cant. 

kane really spewing out laws but if you havent noticed y’all arent on the ark no more 

they are pushing this maya and jasper ship. soo loong jasper x octavia ship.

why did they give clarke a key card? did these people not know that learn from last time? ooooo that person dont look so good? ‘Chernobyl’ the writers said. 

new intro. this art is something else. and im not be sarcastic here. i genuinely like this intro. but i do hope it changes for each of the new seasons just to make things more interesting.

raven be in pain but still be a baddie with impeccably perfect eyebrows. seriously tho? are they gonna perform surgery with no anesthesia? like raven this is no minor procedure.

oooooooo what is this grounder with this weird as haircut and mike tysons face tattoo 

this place has breakfast buffets? ok i see the validity behind jasper not wanting to leave 

why was the baby in the drawer tho. jaha gets a second chance to be a father. giving him a new purpose and reason to live??? 

just shut up finn. and ooo raven this gonna hurt. i cant believe abby actually agreed to performing this operations especially in these conditions. literally abby is operating while her patient is lucid and screaaaaming her ass off.

stop it murphy. i dont care. murphy you will never be on the same level as prettyboy bellamy

big yikes. the grounders be sending messages

i cant believe that these people are actually obliging clarke its not she has actual authority and agency to do anything.

where did that baby get that chess piece.??? 

yes it can be that crazy. is jaha really going to use a missile to travel back to earth? ummm im no scientist by any means i dont even have my b.s. degree yet but im pretty sure that this is not a stable idea. but im willing suspend logic if y’all are

the guys name is nyko. more like geico. “He can save in 15 minutes or less” i couldnt help myself. would have been better if his name was washington. you know because of lincoln.

what type of payback is this octavia?! im never doing you a favor cause you’d really do some stupid shit. is octavia really that strong tho cuz that guy is huge in comparison. and she referred to lincoln as a “something” girl he is not an object. he is not to be objectified. he is a human being. **im being ironic here but dont @ me

seriously this trope of only having one healer is getting old. and nyko looks old so are they telling me that nyko doesnt even have an apprentice? ok sure.

hey raven. one leg is better than none. count your blessings. look at this guy. he has one leg too but hes still out here thriving

but it would be awesome if they gave raven a robotic leg. like that would take her badassness to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL

“my personal favorite not getting speared by grounders” of course they had jasper say this line.

so the helmet cracked yet none of it when in his eyes. why am i even asking? i already said i would suspend all logic.

when that baby disappear...i was like really so no glass in the eye yet the baby somehow managed to get out. the baby aint jack jack...but the baby is wells **tears** im glad they brought wells back. even if it was for this brief moment. but jaha really be crazy

that finn head shake tho at 31:21 that was my reaction to murphy saying what about me. no bellamy. dont take murphy. fuck but this just shows how much better bellamy is than murphy. when bellamy says let bygones be bygones. he means it unlike murphy who is the embodiment of a snake

wait jasper is sitting at a piano. are they hinting that he can play it??? damn these kids be talented

ow clarke just oww clarke. she dont even scream that loud.

again youre telling me nyko couldnt over power octavia. the guy is twice her size. i may be a feminist and say girl power but im also a realist. this girl cant be that strong. but i guess having solar radiation blood gives these spacers inhuman strength now because might as well. that or if youre a healer even if you all buff and muscular its just for looks and you cant actually fight. 

wow reapers. these two never get a break. they just wanna bone but the universe is just out to get them.

you know i think the purpose of this episode is to show that octavia is just as crazy for lincoln as he is for her. cuz up to this point it did kinda seem like a one side relationship considering the amount of effort that lincoln put in, in comparison to octavia. so moral of the story is that they both be crazy so they be perfect together

they really like jaha cuz this plot armor is crazy. his missile plan actually worked?? and what are the chances that he land in the desert?

millers father? yes. 

i really don’t like these tie dye yellow patient outfits

woah hold up. people handing upside down. blood. moaning. people in cages. writes said “human trafficking? we got you cover” never would i ever expected to see the topic of human trafficking touched on in this show. this is a CW show right???! but here we are.

anya!!! my queen has returned!! but in the worst possible way.

[cybernightwanderer]

A little note on biology, family, time and irony.

Today i woke up to realize my mom went trought my wallet, and who knows what else. The last known time i found out she did this, was one year ago, when she beat the crap out of me, pulled me by my hair and threaten to kick me out for the house without a chance to ask for anyone help or even get my shit. She did all this, because she demanded 100 euros extra to what i was paying her monthly and i said no because i was trying to get enought money to leave. To wich she threatned me again that i can never leave if i dont pay my deth to her. Yada yada, same old same old. She used to do this a lot, she would control my money even tho i always payed what i owed her. Yet she always wanted more, and would always guilt trip me if i even spent that money on myself, and would force me to buy random shit for her. All trought out my life she did this, going trought my things and then demanding and interrogating me using force. She never did these things to my brothers, and they actually never helped at home, not with money , not even taking a trash bagg out. I remenber everytime she even asked my brother to set the table it would turn into a two hour yelling marathon, and then id be the one to do it. This was daily, i couldnt rest from work, i couldnt study for school. And if i said i was busy id get punched, pulled by my hair and so forth. I was always the dog, that did everything she ordered and gave her what she demanded. I would be left with 40 euros on my pocket after a whole month of working just because she forced me to, and i couldnt say a word about it, and even so she would control my money. Few years forward and she still did that, but more violently and sneaky. When i was younger she would just take it and then hit me etc. Or take it while hitting me. Wether it was food, money or even clothes, a jacket , or a scarf. I remenber having a specific outfit for job interviews, and i would let her know in advance that i would have a job interview X day. And i would warn her, dont use this shirt or if u use it put it back before the morning. And every single time, i had an important interview or just job meeting, i would go crazy in the morning crying and go trough all my shit looking for that shirt, because she would use it and not put it back. Then there would be yelling, at 5 in the morning, me asking her where the shirt was and she yelling back she didnt toutch it, or even toutch my stuff. Wich later that day coming home finding that shirt on my bed, and her just brushing the situation  off her shoulder. And then threatning to hit me when i asked her. So eventually i just gave up. I told her, take what u want, use what you want. Growing up, i never had my own clothes, my own things, and the little i had , my brother would steal it. if i had a bag of chips i bought with my own money i saved up my brother would steal it. If i had saved up money my brother would steal it. And when i cried for help i got beat up. “ stop complaining about ur bother “ / “ stop crying he said he didnt “ / “ leave ur brother alone “ etc etc... Around at the age or 18/19 when i had a more permanent job, i started buying my own pants, my own shirt and my own things. I didnt have to wear my brothers clothes anymore. I was free. But not getting stuck into those times right now, because if i star writting eveything i dont think a day would be enough. So...  Like i was saying , today she went trought my wallet and checked my bank balance, etc. And i went to her room and i asked her, “ hey did you go in my room? where you looking for something or do you need something of mine?” And i wasnt even done with that sentance, she got really agressive and said “ i dont need shit from your room, i didnt enter, why??? “ To wich i replied, well my things were moved around and my door blocker was out of place, and i always close it so the door doesnt move. To wich she replied “ well it was the wind “.. Note : the door stopper is heavy and the door was jammed, and even if it was the wind, it wouldnt push the door locker all the way bellow the bed.... Im still shaking...why am i shaking? Its not even anger, its just hopelessness.... Everyday, my life just doesnt change, nothing changes. I feel crazy, i legit feel like im going insane and can only sit and watch myself get worse and worse. Is this what she wants? to send me to a mental hospital or some shit? to lock me up in a room and im not even capable of getting up? Is that her goal?... Is that why she “saved me “ from killing myself? Im more afraid of her having complete control over my body and life than of dying or being arrested... Does that even make sence?

Every now and then i google on how to make a will, and what i need to make a will official. I know its stupid but i mean if i ever die, at least i want the good things that i have , my things, the things i got with my own money to go to someone i love, someone who actually gives a shit about me. I dont know. I know how to kill myself, and i have what i need for it to happend.` I just kinda hoped i could still have a life somehow.. I hoped i could escape this, i hoped maybe in the future if i work hard enough i could be happy someday. I could have my own house and a decent job, that i could have my health back, that i could have myself back. I havent done it, the knowledge of failling and being sent to a mental hospital or being crontrolled by her, scares me, completly terrorizes me... ..... im gonna leave this here, i cant seem to write anything else whitout crying my shit off..

[nathalie-sancoeur-assistant]

This is filled w/ spoilers

So here it is, time for me to pull myself together and post all my thoughts and feelings on the new episode into one big long post. 

So my overall feelings?

I am upset

Not because it was a bad episode- it was amazing, literally so good- nope, it’s because of Nathalie- but I’ll get into that in a moment. I’m gonna put a read-more here cause this is gonna probably be really long- and could very well be a recap of the whole ep with my commentary. 

-----

First off, when Plagg seemed not to like Adrien’s birthday present for Marinette, he seemed so concerned (these screenshots aren’t going to be very good quality because I REALLY don’t feel like going through all the trouble of making them look nice & take hours on one post)

Look at the little bean! SO concerned. It’s perfect Honeybun, she’ll love it. 

Then onto the next scene...

Even during meals, they sit so far away from each other. Why? I’ve often wondered what the point of such a long table with so many chairs could be, especially in a house that’s so big yet so empty. I suppose that it could do well for meetings, but still, this is a family meal, not a company get-together or business meeting with people you have to impress. They have to practically yell at each other to be heard. 

Also, look at this

He basically asked Nathalie for approval. “Should I let him?” “Yes sir, I would.” “Very well, Adrien.”

Also, the fact that Gabriel and Lila have the same meeting place each time. He isn’t just driving by hoping to catch her, they have a time and place set up. And the idea that Marinette is a bad influence? Preposterous! But of course, this is Lila. 

Screw Lila. 

“You work to hard, sir” 

Yes Nathalie, I’m sure you know what working to hard feels like. You’re not exactly relaxing, yourself. 

---

Next scene! 

Ms. Bustier: Marinette, would you bring your school bag to me please, I need to check something

Okay so first off, you’re going off of an anonymous tip that one of your best and most well-behaved students (Aside from being late quite often) is a thief and a cheat? And secondly, you really think that she is SO STUPID that if she had taken them knowingly, she wouldn’t have maybe removed them from her bag? Third, why did Marinette not FIND them in her bag before school started, take them out, and maybe call Alya or something. 

“That’s impossible Marinette, Lila got the worst grade in the class” not impossible if she stole them after the test- also, way to be subtle on grades. I thought teachers were supposed to keep that stuff relatively undercover. 

And Adrien really said “Marinette Rights”

---

So.

There’s no sound of crashing. 

Lila just yells “Ready?” in the most mischievous voice she can

Then she starts screaming

And no one stopped to think “Hey, not only is Marinette really not known to assault people, but we didn’t hear a single thud that would have sounded like someone falling down the stairs preceding her screams.”

“She keeps calling me a liar, getting the others to gang up against me...” SINCE. WHEN?

Also. 

“Oh...I have proof”

How would she have known that the proof was in Marinette’s locker? And again, if she knew, why would she be surprised to find the pendant in Marinette’s locker??

UGH. 

---

Now we get to the part that started lil miss me to get so upset. 

“Are you ready, Nathalie?”

“More than ever.”

She just bounces out from behind him, ready as she’ll ever be. 

Look at her 

Then she goes on to call him the Almighty Scarlet Moth and I just smh 

Awww. She looks like she’s ready to punch those butterflies in the face. You punch those akumas. 

Varity Queen? Princess Justice? Oh yeah. I wanna see those. 

And now to the scene that hurt me

“What’s wrong?!”

“Nothing, everything's fine! Keep going..”

She was so ready to just fall down and choke while he continued his fight and she would have still loved him if he hadn’t stopped to help her

But this seen makes it so clear

he loves her too

Even if it’s just as a friend and assistant, he loves her. And it just...the voice acting, her voice actor was so good, it physically hurts me to watch that scene. 15/10.  

And Tikki yelling at Marinette...well not really yelling...but holy crap, there is a lot riding on this 14 year old girls shoulders when it comes to her own emotions. She’s still learning what some of them are, puberty is far from over with her, so now she just has the added pressure of not being able to feel the natural emotions that occur with hormone fluctuations and righteous anger from being falsely accused without having to be fearful of Hawkmoth’s akuma. 

But on the bright side, Alya FINALLY believes Marinette! She may have her flaws and push Mari a bit to much IMO when it comes to Adrien but hey, when it comes right down to it, she’ll stick it out with her pals. A true friend. 

---

Is that the same doctor we saw at Master Fu’s?

And despite her state, still the only thing she’s thinking about is him, his goals, what he wants- and he’s not even thinking about that right now. 

He looks so distraught too. He needs her. But she’s just so laser focused on one thing that she’s not thinking about the other possibilities. Mark my words, her persistence is what’s going to drive him to stop being Hawkmoth. 

“I don’t care, Gabriel. I want to help you.” I swear, I’m gonna start crying again. She’s telling him how she feels when she says stuff like that! It’s loud and clear. If he hasn’t seen it by now, when it’s more obvious than Marinette could ever hope to be- then literally nothing but her straight up saying the words “I’m in love with you” is gonna make it click. He has to know!

“Not at that cost! Never at that cost again...” then it cuts to his family portrait. 

Why, pray tell, does it cut to his family portrait? Of all things. Why did it cut to anything at all? They didn’t need to go to the trouble of creating a whole new picture to cut to if they didn’t NEED to. It’s saying something. And Im pretty sure that its that he’s not willing to give up Nathalie, not even for Emilie. 

I would also like to point out that in that picture, he is wearing blue- but now, he primarily wears red. What is a combination of blue and red? Purple. The color of Nathalie’s suit. 

Hmm...

Nathalie: Shh

Me: *handing Nooroo pots and pans*

She’s so desperate to help him- and look at how she treats Duusu. She isn’t being cruel. Duusu just told her “No, you should be resting” and she’s just like “Yeah, but what if I didn’t?” not “Don’t tell me what to do!” or any crap like that. Instead she stops and explains herself. And then Duusu...

No, not it’s not romantic. It’s twisted. I love Gabriel and Nathalie as a pair, but this isn’t a romantic gesture. Nathalie is losing herself in her desperation to help him, get the miraculous, end it once and for all, and her desires to please Gabriel even if it means that he’s not going to want her in the end. She is fighting a losing battle, no matter what happens, she’s going to get the short end of the stick- and it just breaks my heart that she is so willing to throw her life away when there are other ways she could be assisting him that don’t include her deteriortating. That’s why I cried so much during this ep- she wants to prove a point by using this miraculous when it isn’t necessary. And that is why I officially HATE seeing Mayura- because each time she transforms she’s one step closer to falling down and not getting back up. 

Also, I thought this scene was super interesting. That’s how she creates a sentimonster? That is so cool. 

Moving on, when Adrien pulls out his phone 

“I am Mayura, and I’m about to annihilate Ladybug, Mwahahaha!” Points for subtlety, Hon. XD

She’s so cute

“I’ve always gone out of my way to hide my true feelings for you but I just can’t do it anymore” possible foreshadowing? Hmmm?? “Your feelings for me haven’t changed and mine are growing stronger every day” I can’t help but think she was speaking from her own heart in some of that. 

And our poor little kitty

So desperate for love, he refuses to believe that

Ladybug wasn’t actually moving on

“She’s so perfect” “I’m nowhere near as perfect as her.”

Also “Senticharm!” *gets big gun blaster thing*

“Lucky Charm!” *gets fork*

Seriously Gabriel and Nathalie belong together at this rate. 

“Nathalie?!”

“Nooroo why didn’t you wake me up?” “I couldnt bring myself to you were sleeping so peacefully” because “Im scared of you and Nathalie told me to Shh” wasn’t the right response. 

She gets tired even when using the miraculous

And she still goes out in the field 

Heeeerrres Hawky!

Legit tho, this is what an anon was talking about earlier from the Gabenath ask meme I did a while back. I said that what I look forin a fanfic would include Hawkmoth needing to save Mayura on the battlefield. And it JUST became canon. Lord have mercy, I think I’ve died XD

Also 

“You’re the real monster!” 

“Oh, that...you’ll find out very soon” He doesn’t even care tho. Like, where’s all his givacraps fly off to? Oh yeah that’s right they’re akumatizing people, they just keep flying away.  

He is huge compared to them. And just going to town trying to whap this 14 year old girl into oblivion. Boy. 

“All I need to do is wait a few minutes until you two turn back into regular kids, so fragile, so easy to break” Absolutely no filter. Do you think that’s going to make you seem less like a villain? We don’t say stuff like that! You can’t just take that back! I swear, if you have a redemption arc it had better be Paarthurnax/Zuko-level convincing because there are very few people willing to forgive you after you say things like that with no remorse. 

“Release her”

You can’t tell me he doesn’t love her- he sucks at it, but he does. Im really hoping he’ll learn from this mistake and never ask her to use the peacock miraculous again- if she uses it, it has to be on her.

“Don’t mind me” Babe if he doesn’t mind you and you’re discovered then it’s just a hop skip and jump from Hawkmoth being Gabriel Agreste, 

He’s carrying her again

Idk if I should focus on how little Nathalie seems to care about how much danger she put herself in or the fact that we have a Gabriel booty close-up

He’s reprimanding her, she starts coughing, her glasses fall off, and he immediately softens up. 

Look at that soft look. And the music that’s playing in the background? It’s so...sad..and enhances the way he’s looking at her. 

And now.....Adrien

As soon as the adults leave, he growls and the music gets more aggressive. Intimidating. 

He is ticked. “Because we’re friends aren’t we?” that was just laced with venom and malice. They say demons run when a good man goes to war. 

Well Adrien’s started packing. Lila better watch her step. 

And in the end, she basically outed herself as a pathological liar. She admitted it, though she likely didn’t word it that way. 

Well, that’s all I have to say. Remember, God made you special and he loves you very much. *veggie tales theme starts playing*