#the way some fans interpret her as not caring about actually keeping her neighbors from starving

[melonisopod]

Broke: Rodion never cared about helping her neighbors and just wanted to be special.

Woke: Rodion did the right thing by killing the pawnbroker but was doomed to fail because the system was too strong.

Wired: Rodion’s arrogance was not in her approach but in her individualism. While her heart was in the right place and she genuinely wanted to keep her neighborhood from starving to death, she believed she could save everyone single-handedly instead of building a united front to empower others to fight against systems of oppression. Both she and Sonya tried to change a broken system on their own and they were both doomed to fail because of it.

[mild-lunacy]

The Trouble with Alpha Alien Invaders

I just complained about the proliferation of one romance subgenre I don't even read, so I thought-- why not keep going? I sort of miss Tumblr. Lately I've just been surfing Instagram, and the way I use it is pretty impersonal. Without fandom or an interest-based community, I get pretty lurkery pretty fast. Anyway, even though not much interaction happens here, possibly because I've ceased talking about things anyone cares about, it's nice to express myself. Even though I feel like I talk about pretty lame and obscure, basically pointless things. Not that this is much of a change in my behavior, just more pronounced than before. Anyway, I just wanted to say I think the traditional alien invasion sci-fi story scenarios are lame.

I don't really care if the whole point is this invasion scenario and it's an action movie where the focus is action scenes. Aliens aren't really people in this context. I'm more talking about situations where they *are* people: specifically, when an alien's the love interest, yet their species invade Earth. Partly it's the trope itself that's problematic, but partly it's how so many unskilled romance writers seem to treat it: as if it's just, you know, alpha male behavior taken to its logical extreme. The interpretation is that these are a version of the Vikings, but instead of rape and pillage, let's just call it... forceful seduction? Things get fuzzy when you add in the magical soulmate trope and the attraction is mutual. Anyway, it's like the Vikings, but with fated mates and spaceships.

Not that I have a problem with that, per se. It's the feeling that an invasion is not a deal breaker somehow. A lot of times, these books have the hero just take the heroine to his home planet, where he accommodates her needs and wishes (eventually). But Earth just sort of... folds. First of all, that would never happen, but the idea of alpha maleness here is just annoying to me. Note, I like reading about alpha males, even (or especially) barbarians. I'm speaking as a fan. They can be... somewhat savage, impulsive, and insensitive. But they don't have to be oppressive or repressive... at least in fiction.

Maybe Tumblr isn't the right place to complain about this, after all. I bet a lot of people think that a real alien race full of overbearing alpha males *would* act like raping, pillaging assholes, at least on a cultural level. I personally think a more subtle writer can (and many *have*) separated male dominance and possessiveness-- even including a tendency towards violence-- from outright repression and oppression of women. A lot of alphas (maybe even most) are indeed insensitive and don't listen as well as they could, but they take care of women. They do *eventually* listen, because the women in this primitive world order are actually very powerful in their own way. What's more, their society acknowledges and is organized around that truth, even if the individual man isn't especially aware. Many 'barbarian' alien types are simply a version of simple hunter gatherer type warriors: crude but not cruel. The two are not the same. Cruelty and oppression is not absolutely necessary, even for a race of male beings who enjoy violence and power. At the very least, it's not inevitable, particularly in a romance.

Obviously, looking at human beings, aggression does lead to oppression within and repression of others, historically. However, this isn't necessarily true of our hunter gatherer past, nor of our space age future. The conditions which lead to oppression have to do with scarcity and cultural imbalance. This is solvable with technology, just as it's also solvable in a small enough tribal ecosystem where everyone has an important role and an impact.

I guess what I'm saying is, as a feminist who's also a romance fan, I give a lot of leeway to the genre, particularly with the alpha male archetype. But it's because I know from experience that certain extremes aren't necessary that it bothers me when I see this type of oppressive alpha invader behavior. It's particularly galling when it's implicitly presented in the narrative as being a very dominant and insensitive male thing. Um, no.

One way to deal with it is just not have the aliens invade: problem solved. They can be toppy assholes who just... have better things to do. And honestly, Earth women really aren't worth invading the planet for, by any stretch. There's also plenty of planets out there with natural bounty to pillage, even in this solar system, that are completely undefended and easy to utilize. There's no great reason to invade Earth when it's just one planet among millions, billions of others. This isn't like the Europe of the Vikings: they invaded their neighbors, not China. Without the thinnest veneer of necessity, invasion becomes a pure consequence of alpha behavior, particularly in a romance context. And treating it as such is just offensive, as I said.

Alternatively, the writer can have the alpha male alien culture *want* to invade because that's just how they roll-- subjugating and oppressing left and right-- but something happens to prevent it. This is a classic fictional trope: bad thing could've happened but didn't. Romance novels mixed with genre dystopias are one thing, but usually this doesn't extend to the characters. The *male protagonist* isn't supposed to be part of the dystopia. Duh?

In Anna Carven's books, the alpha aliens are born invaders, but this strains the fabric of the culture as well the empire itself being unsustainable. That's only realistic, reflecting the bare minimum of actual thinking of how sprawling, oppressive empires actually *work* on a cultural level. And believe me, the alpha asshole characters aren't in any way diminished or portrayed as less dominant because the military leader chose to use his brain and realize he'd get more results more easily through at least some attempt at trade and diplomacy. Even with these aliens definitely being a non-diplomatic race, it's pure common sense that if something *can* be acquired peacefully, it's probably more profitable to try that first. There's also many ways to both gain and exercise power, and laying waste to a society with pure force is only the most destructive method. Surely a race of space faring aliens would have other options, ones that would leave more to enjoy of the planet they're acquiring. The use of long-term intelligence and tactics don't make you less alpha. Just ask China.

[soobadnoonecanstopher]

All His - Part 1 (A Kyungsoo Series)

Genre: Fluff / Future Smut

Characters: You X Kyungsoo

Description: You are hired as an interpreter for a tour in Europe where you join forces with EXO and soon grow closer to one member in particular, Do Kyungsoo.

A/N: OMG I finally have started on another of the 3K Followers submitted requests :D  YAY!!

3K Followers Request #2

All His [M]: Canon AU - Fluff / Smut part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9 , part 10 , part 11 FINAL

“Hey did you hear? We have a new assignment. Some big group of foreigners coming in for a musical tour.” Your co worker Anna whispered into your ear as you took off your bag and set down your coffee at the big conference table. The phone call you received from your supervisor this morning advising you of the new client and requesting your presence was nothing out of the ordinary, but you were surprised to find several other translators from the firm gathered around the table as well.

Most jobs were small, a few weeks with a foreign dignitary, or some other official from another country, needing their own personal translator services, but usually you did not work with a big team. You figured the musical group had to be large to warrant this many translators.

As you looked around the table you noticed a few more of the translators were of Asian descent than usual and your mind jumped at the possibility of the musical group being one of the popular Kpop or Jpop groups you were a fan of and you quickly put that silly thought out of your head. The last thing you needed was to fangirl about the idea of meeting one of your idols when you needed to focus on work.

“Alright quiet down,” the booming voice of your supervisor Mr. Petrov sounded out through the room and your eyes caught the pamphlet being passed around the table and your curiosity boomed as you caught three letters on the cover of the page you never thought you would see. Maybe it was just a coincidence….there was no way this was real. The very idea was too much to hope for.

Yet as the stack of documents neared where you sat at the end of the table your heart swelled up into your throat.

Written in big bolder letters on the cover you saw it.

2016 World Tour - EXO Planet #3 - EXO’rDIUM European Leg

Below that was a list of cities and countries and four tour dates spanning a time period of a couple of weeks: Paris, Barcelona, Firenze, Hamburg. By the time the stack was in your hands you had a slight tremble as you gripped the thick stack of stapled papers between your fingers. You saw the familiar group logo, you saw the group picture, their faces smiling back at you…the nine members you knew by name already and as you began leafing through the sheets, glancing through each member name with a separate photo you were sure you’d entered an alternate plane of existence in which down was up, cold was dry, and you had somehow taken all the right steps in life that had led you to this very moment of existence.

Your small translating firm had been hired to join the staff of EXO on the European leg of their world tour. This was beyond your wildest dreams and the longer you read through the packet of information the more you braced yourself for the inevitability that this might somehow turn out to be a dream. Or at least the possibility of you not getting chosen to join the group that would work directly with the members of the group. The staff had to have translators too and there was always the possibility that you would be assigned to the transportation directors or the stage managers.

As you reached the end of the packet, you saw your name, written along with a small group of younger women who you knew well. Women who also spoke fluent Korean as well as English, French, Spanish and various other language from their home countries.

You saw Anna, the excited young woman who excitedly whispered about the group that was hiring the firm when you first arrive to today’s meeting. You saw Maria as well, another young woman who sat with a blank, somewhat disinterested look on her face as she listened to the information Mr. Petrov was dishing out about what each group of assigned translators duties would be.

Your small group of three was listed under Group D and you anxiously awaited the assignment for the job. You knew you would be traveling along with the staff just by the arrangements you saw detailed in the itinerary in the packet and your mind wandered to what clothes and supplies you would need to pack for the trip. For professional meetings with dignitaries and foreign politicians the dress codes were always strict, but perhaps being an entertainment job you could explore a new wardrobe. You tried to push down the idea that you were most concerned with looking your very best for these nine, extremely handsome, extremely famous, extremely intimidating young men who you just might get to meet in person and exchange a few words with.

“And Group D–” Mr. Petrov began, glancing down at his paper, you heard him read the three names listed in this group, landing on your name at the end of the list without even a glancing up at your faces.

“–will be personal translators for the group members of EXO. They will be made available for translation services upon request and each translator will assigned to three members each. I will give you each your assigned members according to the arrangements made by their respective managers.”

You tried your best. You really did. But your mouth dropped open as you looked into the face of your supervisor who had no idea the significance of the information he had just dropped on you. With a forced swallow and a deep soul steadying breath you shoved down with all of your mental fortitude at the overwhelming desire to scream your head off and jump up and down and thankfully your will won out over the insanity that was flying through your brain.

Part of you realized that the three women assigned to the members were the three youngest of the firm and the coincidence wasn’t lost on Laura, one of the older women who worked for the firm.

“Why are we using these three to work closely with the group?” She asked and a few heads glanced around the room curiously, small questioning shrugs on their faces and their eyebrows raised.

“It was a request from the group actually. They wanted young interpreters so they could feel more in touch with their young fans. Most client requests like this are granted.” Mr. Petrov responded in a bored voice, annoyed at having to answer for his decisions when making these assignments.

The meeting was adorned. You had less than one week to prepare and you decided that yes, a new wardrobe was in order. You would get your hair done and you even decided that a trip to the spa was also in order. An opportunity to meet and work closely with EXO, your idols, was the chance of a lifetime and you couldn’t resist the chance to make the best possible impression.

With a skip in your step every single day of the week you prepared and dropped your small house plants with your neighbor to care for during your two week work trip. Never before in your history of being a translator for hire had you been this excited about a job.

The week dragged of course and the waiting made your nerves act up worse than you’d experienced before. Normally you would wake up just in time to grab your bag and head to the airport for the destination city where you would meet your client, rushing out the door praying for light traffic so you wouldn’t miss your flight. But this job was different. You were hyper aware of every single second and the excitement of the upcoming trip had you waking up hours before your alarm rang to go through your list of things you were sure you had already packed.

You made it to the airport with enough time to grab a coffee and nervously fidget at the gate as you watched hoards of passengers walk by, too sleepy and dazed to really pay much attention to anything but themselves. You were awake, you were running on not enough sleep due to the nerves and excitement, but you were much too keyed up to even think about sleep. In less than two hours time you would be landing in Paris and you would be meeting the group members of EXO. You wondered which three men you would get as your assignment and you tried to keep your own personal wishes about your bias hidden deep down inside your chest. You couldn’t let yourself fall into that trap. This was work. This dream job of yours had already afforded you an amazing opportunity that would have been impossible in any other field and you had to be thankful. You couldn’t get greedy now. You vowed to be satisfied that you got to meet them all up close and see their faces in person, hear their voices with your very own ears and possibly even get to shake their hands. It would be more than enough if you got to exchange a few words with each member.

The flight boarded and landed without incident and you exited the airport with the small group of employees from your firm who joined you on the same flight. You decided your best move was to stick close with the other two women in your group, Anna and Maria, the other two member translators and as you made your way to the hotel. Travel in a foreign city was easy with so many translators in tow and you easily retrieved your room key and instructions on when and where to report for duty once the members had arrived in three hours. There would be an initial meeting of course, introductions and pleasantries as was always the case with meeting new clients and then you usually just hovered, offering assistance and guidance whenever they needed you. Your phone was basically always on, available at all time of the day and night when the client needed your services. You were used to it, and while you usually weren’t assigned to more than one person, you hoped your group of three would at least travel together so you could keep up with the demand.

You drifted a bit as you settled into your room, finding your lack of sleep catching up to you the second you laid your head down on your pillow and soon your phone was ringing noisily in your ear where it had landed on your bed. You jolted awake, eyes wide and your chest vibrating with the surprise that you had fallen asleep so easily and when you caught sight of the time as you answered the call from Anna, you were scrambling to get up as quickly as you could.

“Where are you? They’re about to come in the door. Hurry and get down here!” She whispered in an urgent voice on the line and you stole a glance in the mirror as you tried to smooth out your hair.

You were out the door in a flash, grabbing your ID lanyard at the last second and you figured you could do three flights of stairs quicker than you could wait for the elevator that seemed to be stuck at the top floor.

You were running while trying not to look like you were running and by the time you reached the small hotel meeting room you could hear voices speaking inside.

Shit shit shit you cursed in your head as you quickly pulled the door open and an intimidating sets of eyes flew to the noise you had made opening the door.

You were breathing hard and you instantly bowed out a deep apology to the large group of people that were already gathered in the room, some watching your stumbling and bumbling entrance into the room with what looked to be amused expressions.

Anna gave you a small rueful smile that did nothing for the flames that you felt filling your cheeks and you rushed to stand next to her, feeling her wrap her arm lightly around your shoulders giving you a small squeeze.

“Now that they’re all here…” Laura said, the older woman who specialized in sass and dirty looks gave you one that you honestly deserved at this point and looked down at her sheet of paper with what you were sure were the names of the members you would be working with.

“…we can continue,” She finished and you awkwardly cleared your throat and braved the chance to look around the room.

Although there were some chairs and tables, the group stood, some leaning against the tables lightly with arms crossed over their chests, you saw the faces of staff mixed with the ultra familiar faces of various group members scattered across the room.

Your stomach flipped when your eyes roamed and you met the eyes of one member, Oh Sehun as he looked up from the itinerary in his hand. A tiny polite smile graced his pretty lips for a split second before he looked back down, focusing his attention back on the information Laura was reading off in heavily accented Korean so everyone in attendance understood.

Your head perked up in her direction when you heard her say your name and her extended hand told you it was time for you to give your greetings. Your stomach was in your throat and you bowed briefly before you spoke, letting them all know your name, your age, the languages you were ready to help in and how excited you were to work with each one of them. Your excitement was obvious in your delivery and by the end you were practically vibrating with anticipation. Feeling very much like an out of control chihuahua with absolutely no way to stop it, you opted to merely go along with it. They would just have to believe you were always this damn jittery.

Your mind was a blur when you heard Laura giving a small chuckle at your enthusiasm and you registered the amused smiled of the people around the room. A wide toothy grin from Jongdae had you do a double take at its brilliance and you heard a small snort of laughter from Baekhyun at the end of the room.

“Well you aren’t working with all of them dear. You will have Oh Sehun, Kim Minseok, and Do Kyungsoo.”

You looked around the room, easily finding the faces of the three men named and thankfully you had already given them reason to believe you were a trembling mess because of the names you were given, Do Kyungsoo, the very very real Do Kyungsoo was looking at you now…with those big eyes and those lips and that face and you couldn’t stop your shaking hands even if you wanted to.

You saw him take a step, having only been standing a few feet from you before, your eyes widened to see him close the distance a bit and he gave you a small smile and a nod of his head, having clearly learned that you were his and unable to resist the magnetic attraction. Obviously. Your bias must have felt it. He must have known you were meant for him. Always and forever.

Okay you needed a drink. Or a timeout. You clearly needed something because this was not normal behavior. You could hear the rattling of the sheet of paper you gripped tightly in your hands in front of you and to your absolute amazement, the meeting went on, oblivious to the absolute fucking mind fuck that was happening inside your brain.

One particularly loud rattle of your sheet of paper drew a few curious glances and far more eyes that politely ignored the noise you were making and you considered just dropping the paper entirely until you felt someone pull it forcefully out of your grip.

The silence was instantaneous and the flood of relief was short lived when your eyes glanced toward the woman who you were sure had been the one to take it from you.

But Anna’s hands were empty and resting lightly on her hips as she merely paid attention to the group introductions.

The only other person who stood on your other side was him and you looked down in horror at his hands.

He had it. It was a wrinkled sweaty mess and it rested lightly between his thumb and forefinger along with his own neat clean copy. Do Kyungsoo had taken it…to stop the noise? To spare you from the attention it brought? To calm your nerves by at least removing their soundtrack?

He wasn’t looking at you anymore as you curiously watched the breathtaking profile of the man and you caught the small twitch in his mouth before he moved to bite lightly down on the inside of his cheek. A habit you knew he had of course, how could you not, but seeing it happen merely a foot away from you, in person was too much.

Were you staring? Of course you were.

When his lips parted and his tongue darted out to lick his bottom lip as you had seen him do so often in videos and gifs online you heard a small sound from the back of your own throat. You had gasped the tiniest of gasps out loud and his eyes moved to meet yours. He heard you.

Big round brown burdensome eyes so dark and so intimidating you instantly looked away. Physically unable to maintain that kind of eye contact with this man for longer than a split second, definitely not within such close quarters.

The meeting was over.

Laura was done with her speeches and people were now gathering their information and shuffling out of the room and you honestly had close to no idea what had been discussed. You’d have to get the gist of it from Anna later and as the room began to clear you stiffened to realize that Kyungsoo had not yet taken a single step away from where he stood beside you.

Your stomach churned when you looked up to realize that he was actually watching you with what looked like a curious expression on his face as he waited for you to give him your attention.

You had to do it. You were going to be working closely with this man for the next two weeks and there was no going back now. So you turned your attention to him, facing him with what you hoped was a pleasant and not at all terrified smile on your face.

“I…look forward to working with you.” He said in a low voice that sounded so much like a slow sex song you nearly fainted on the spot and thankfully he looked down before you had to actually answer him with any real words.

His focus was on the two sheets of paper in his grip. One new, pristine and lovely. Well taken care of by its owner and the other practically sweated through, wrinkled and disgusting and actually torn in two separate spots from the death grip you’d had on it.

You watched as his eyebrows danced on his forehead a bit and he swiftly extended his hand with the clean sheet of paper, thrusting it at you with a forceful quickness that startled you into grabbing it before it fell to the floor.

He then took the other sheet with furrowed brows and wadded it into a tight ball in his fist as he spun on his heels, tossing it quickly into the trash can at the end of the row of tables. His hands moved like lightning as he moved through the room and you heard a startled noise from another member as he made his move.

“Hey! That’s mine!” Baekhyun shouted, but Kyungsoo was already too far away with the fresh page in his hands and well concealed smile on his face he shot at you for a moment before he was out the door and gone.

The effect of the absence of him in the room was uplifting and you inhaled a deep breath of air into your lungs that cleansed the nerves and tension right from your body. You felt lighter and more clear headed now and you looked down at the sheet of information you had in your hands. It was standard. Names with numbers of the people you would need to contact during the trip. Including the a certain name you pried your eyes away from that danced out at you, begging you to do a little hip wiggle and a dance as you proclaimed ‘I have his number, I have his number’ to no one in particular.

Luckily your attention was pulled to someone else in the room before you could start reveling such inappropriateness.

Sehun and Minseok, your two other assignments who had somehow been lost in the background earlier were milling around, whispering something closely between themselves, while clearly standing in speaking distance of you. You caught a nervous dismissal from the taller as he whined in response to some directive given by the oldest in the group.

You watched as their eyes glanced in your direction and Sehun nudged Minseok closer to you in a way that told you they were about to discuss something with you and the baby of the group had won. Minseok was up and there was no way he could resist giving in to Sehun’s whining.

“Umm..” Minseok began with a shy smile on his face. You placed an inviting and friendly smile on your face.

You watched his shoulders relax and the smile grew less apprehensive as he politely dipped his head.

“I’m Kim Minseok, and this is Oh Sehun.” You silenced your inner fangirl once again and found your voice as you responded in kind. Introducing yourself again with a smile as you waited to find out what they really approached you for.

Your hunches were correct and it turned out that Sehun was too shy to ask you directly if you would accompany a few of them as they went out to explore the city. You paid no attention to the time of day as these things did not tend to matter much when traveling. You half knew the sun would be rising soon but the jetlag was strong and it looked like the group of young men were dead set on exploring a bit of Paris instead of sleeping. According to the itinerary there was a rehearsal this evening, and the concert was tomorrow night, but until then there was some free time scheduled in.

“Of course, Mr. Oh. I’m ready whenever you are.” You smiled at their excitement and you noticed Kim Junmyeon and Park Chanyeol hovered around the other two men as they made plans and discussed things like security guards and face masks. A few members pointed out the time and doubted any security would be necessary and you made your way out of the room to wait for further instructions as you gave them a bit of privacy to make plans.

Down the hotel hallway you caught the tail end of Anna following a flustered Yixing as she conversed with the bellhop in French and translated into Chinese for him. From what you could gather, it was about a misplaced bag. This was it. Your chest swelled with sudden pride at the helpfulness of your profession. You loved this part of it…being the link and the problem solver and seeing the relief in their faces as the line of communication was suddenly opened up to things could get moving again.

“I have to go get something from my room really quick.” Sehun spoke to you over your head and you looked up and quickly spun around at his sudden interruption of your thoughts.

He moved quickly and you followed closely behind into the elevator and down another hallway to his room.

He emerged quickly enough wearing a hoodie and carrying a bag over his shoulder.

“Do you need to get something warm to wear? I think it’s raining out–”

“Where are you going with my translator?” A familiar low voice interrupted Sehun’s thoughtfulness and you both spun toward the sound.

The effects of his presence were instantaneous and much to your horror, the tension and nerves you felt around Do Kyungsoo weren’t merely due to the shock of the initial meeting.

No…this seemed to be a permanent reaction to him – the loud thumping of your heart inside your chest and the way your strummed tongue sat useless inside your mouth, incapable of coherent speech. Not that your mind was able to focus enough to form any thoughts with his face looking like it did right in front of you.

“She’s not just yours hyung,” Sehun whined and your mind protested the factualism of that statement as you furrowed your brows in the direction of the taller man who stood close, just barely in front of you to you in an almost possessive stance now as he blocked your clear unobstructed view of Kyungsoo.

“Well I need her today. I made reservations a month ago and it takes two hours to get there…we need to leave now.” Kyungsoo explained and your curiosity burned as he laid out his vague plans. Reservations? Two hours? What in the world?

“Is this about those restaurants hyung?” Sehun inquired with a less petulant tone now and Kyungsoo sighed, clearly annoyed by something Sehun said.

“This place isn’t just a restaurant Sehun. I wouldn’t need a translator for just any place, this is a Michelin three star restaurant. Take a different translator. I think the old lady who was giving instructions in there looks like she would be up for a day of wandering in the rain.”

You watched the back and forth between the men and you heard the defeated sigh as Sehun eventually caved. He clearly understood something about the importance of Kyungsoo’s plans today as he mumbled something about giving in only because it was on his bucket list as he stomped away announcing that he was going to take Baekhyun’s translator, Maria instead of the old one.

“Ahh I’m sorry I didn’t even ask…but are you okay with coming with me? If you went with him you’d only catch a cold wandering through the rain. He is too tall and walks too fast anyway, you’d be running the whole time. If you come with me I promise you will eat delicious foods and you won’t get wet at all.” He said as he began walking and you followed after a few stunned moments.

You would be…his today.

All his.

NO, stop that. That’s something a crazy person would say. This is work, you could do this. You could be helpful and normal and just do your job and you gripped tightly around your cell phone and looked down at the message that you just received from Maria informing you of the change of plans. She would be taking the boys out to explore the city and you were going with Kyungsoo today.

You walked as you read the message and typed out your reply quickly, hitting send and quickly locking your cell phone just as your forward movement came to a swift halt and the cell phone you had a casual grip on went flying down to your feet, bouncing lightly along the carpet.

You heard a grunt and you looked up in horror to see that you had walked straight into his back.

Texting and walking and all, you hadnt noticed that he stopped in front of the elevator until it was much too late.

“Oh shit I’m sorry!” You said quickly before you had a chance to fix your language in you head first. Luckily it wasn’t in Korean and you said it quietly enough that you were sure even if he heard he shouldn’t have understood.

He was scrambling though, reaching down to pick up your cell phone at the same time as you reached and you felt his warm hand below yours as he grabbed it first.

The surprise warmth made you retreat and you lost your balance as you fell down onto your butt in front of where he squatted.

He looked up from the phone in his hands that was now lit up from the movement and his eyes darted from the screen to your face a few times as he tried to piece together the bits of information he had just found out about you from looking at your phone while simultaneously trying to help you get up from the floor.

You knew he saw. You knew it deep down inside based on the way he was looking at you now and you cursed yourself for not changing your lock screen before this trip, but it honestly had been his fucking face for so long that you hadn’t even registered that it should be changed in case he happened to see it. What the hell was wrong with you?!

“It…It’s okay.” His words came back to life and he was pulling at your arms, bringing you into a standing position.

Your face felt hot and you felt the trembling returning to your hands as he handed you the phone with both of his hands, waiting for you to grab it.

The awkwardness of the small stand off was stifling and it took you a good ten seconds to recover enough to grab the phone from his hands, realizing that he had just addressed your apology for bumping into him. The one you mumbled in English and decorated with a curse word in a grand display of unprofessionalism.

You stood your frozen ground, too embarrassed to move and definitely too embarrassed to look at him.

You heard the elevator ding. You saw the doors open and he was moving to get inside quietly, expecting you to follow.

Of course you would have if your stupid legs would work.

Only they didn’t. And you didn’t.

The doors were closing and his big eyes were looking at you his plump lips parted in surprise when you didn’t come inside.

The view of him had nearly disappeared completely when he sprung into action and pressed a button on the panel to open the doors again.

You heard a groan in his low voice and his hand was reaching for yours, gripping tightly around your own sweaty palm you felt his soft fingers wrap and link in between your own and he pulled you…making you move. Making your heart leap and making your head feel dizzy.

“Okay you have got to get over this now,” he said in a quiet determined voice and you squeaked out a non-reply as your feet stumbled and you moved next to him into the elevator.

Your eyes were down on your hand which was still held securely inside of his even though you were well into the elevator now and the doors were closing again.

You were too stunned to move and his hand wasn’t letting go.

If anything he held on tighter until your eyes were pried upward from the view of Kyungsoo holding your hand in the confines of this elevator that was traveling down to the underground parking garage of a four star Paris hotel.

When you finally looked up you found him there and his burdensome eyes were on your face. Looking directly at you with a blank expression on his face. Your eyes took in those features freely for a split second, his lips, his bare face, small imperfections in his skin, the dark hair of his strong eyebrows and the straight nose. His mouth again….it moved as he bit down on the inside of his lip again and he took a small breath as he inhaled through his nose.

He was watching you just as closely as you watched him and the descent of the elevator stopped as you reached the underground level.

He moved then as soon the doors opened he reached his free hand out to push another button on the panel. The button to close the doors before he pushed again, the button for the top floor of the hotel and you opened your mouth to speak.

“B-But–” you squeaked in protest and his eyes were back on your face with a determined look that you instantly understood.

The elevator rose again and the grip of his hand on yours tightened as he flexed warm fingers around your palm again, ignoring the sweat and heat you felt collecting between both of your hands. You were looking down again and the elevator was rising quickly making you dizzy with the motion.

“Look at me,” you heard in his quiet nearly monotone voice and you complied easier this time. A wave of nerves flashing quick in your face before it settled and faded the longer you looked at his face in silence.

By the time you reached the top floor you knew the drill and he was pushing the parking level button again, making you laugh a tiny relaxed giggle that got a small eyebrow lift from him.

“There you are,” he said with a sweet smile that brought the butterflies back and you swallowed away the apology you had on your tongue with a shrug and a nose wrinkle.

This time as the elevator doors opened you were urged forward and he pulled a pair of car keys out of the front pocket of his jeans. You felt those keys pushed into your sweaty palm and his hand was gone as you reached a small white sedan with the logo of a local rental car company on the driver’s side window.

“You don’t mind driving do you?” He said with his hand on the passenger door and you suddenly realized why Kyungsoo had been so insistent on having you be his companion today, as you were the only one of the translators with a driver’s license, something he would have read on your company bio.

“Absolutely Mr. Do!” You said in a sudden chipper voice that surprised even you and you heard a chuckle from the man as his lips pulled into a blinding smile.

“Oh nooo, let’s not do that–” he laughed with a cute sing song in his voice and you both settled into the car. “Call me Kyungsoo.”

“Okay Kyungsoo…” the sound of it, out loud on your own tongue was soft and unsure, making you feel stupid things inside your chest as you said it and the subsequent hum of appreciation you heard from his own chest did absolutely nothing to help.

“So where are we going?”

“Oh! I have a list.” He pulled out his phone and began scrolling with an unexpectedly excited look in his eyes and when he flashed the screen at you, you could see the amount of effort he had put into today’s trip. It was the one full day off they would have that you saw exactly how much he had managed to pack into the hours and your eyes widened when you saw five different restaurant names each with a few hours in between for travel.

Did he really intend to just drive around Paris and eat all day? What about the concert tomorrow? You imagined you’d both be too stuffed to even move the next day with the amount of eating he had planned.

“Don’t worry too much,” he said after he saw your shocked face eyeing the long list of restaurants. “These are really really fancy places, so the portions will be tiny. And it’s my treat so…”

“Well–” you remarked with a grin that he watched curiously as you started the car and pulled out of the garage onto the street to begin the culinary adventure of his dreams, “–as long as you’re paying.”

The sound of his surprised laughter filling the cabin of the car was more glorious in person than anything you had ever heard.

You were in no way prepared for this. There was no chance you would survive this, or him…but you had no choice by this point.

You were all his.

All His [M]: Canon AU - Fluff / Smut part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6, part 7, part 8, part 9 , part 10 , part 11 FINAL

[cosmosogler]

really, REALLY late start today. sorry. i was trapped in tv tropes purgatory.

i really hurt my eyes with all the reading i did... and lost track of time.

anyway i got up early, at 9:05, and showered and drove out to the behavioral health center. i got a little turned around and was one minute late for my appointment. and i also hit the curb when i was trying to park because i’m good at driving when i’m stressed.

i managed to NOT damage the car this time at least! baby steps. curbs are the worst. i have never hit anything that wasn’t part of the ground. well, except for the recycling bin that dad decided to leave directly behind the car on the driveway that you couldn’t see from the rearview mirror. the car is normally in the garage so i couldn’t have seen the bin before i got in the car either.

ok i got sidetracked. i need to stay focused because i want to go to sleep because my head hurts. staying focused with a headache is really easy!!!

i hate that my stupid face scrunches up when i have a headache. it makes everything worse. because i always have a headache. mostly from grinding my teeth forever every day always.

ok so i got to the hospital and went in for the paperwork and interview. i got a quick medical check up and then filled out my paperwork. the nurse asked if i wanted something to drink and rattled off a bunch of available choices and i asked for water and she left and never came back. so i was thirsty for about an hour.

the doctor, charlie, came in well after i had figured out all the paperwork. i was expecting to be interrupted because i was  taking forever. but she was nice and asked questions and didn’t seem judgmental when i stumbled over my answers and gave caveats to all my problems. but then i mentioned that i couldn’t start until next week because i am going up to flagstaff to sort out school stuff and would miss two days of therapy this week. she immediately put down the survey and told me i could only start within three days of finishing the paperwork. so i would have to fill out everything again in a week if i wanted to start next week. i kinda sighed. but she promised she would keep my file so i didn’t have to redo EVERYTHING. and they are open on weekends so i can make an appointment for next monday and start right away on tuesday.

so i drove home. i sang badly along with my ipod. my voice was just not with it today. i don’t have as much range as the singer i was listening to even on a good day though. so i just had to hope that the car wasn’t judging me.

i got home and got caught up on some web sites and tumblr blogs and i started reading some homestuck analysis because i still think about it sometimes. i follow the fan comic “double death of the author” and it is very good and one of the writers wrote very detailed rants on why the ending was disappointing. it feels nice to see some of my thoughts in someone else’s words.

then i went to chipotle for lunch with dad and the neighbor and his daughter. the daughter is roommates with my sister at their apartment since they both go to the same university. recently she has been making some very bad and also dangerous decisions relating to alcohol so my sister has distanced herself from the neighbor’s kid. dad thinks she should just “forgive and forget” and “talk it out” but my sister is adamant that the daughter is not welcome in her life while she is making these decisions. she has forgiven her before and she always interprets it as permission to keep doing it, so my sister put her foot down after a really bad night.

i agree with my sister. i didn’t say that to anyone except her though.

the chipotle was good. i actually ate the whole burrito. the whole burrito! i didn’t put as many things in it as i usually would though.

after that i sank into my tv tropes/wikipedia fugue for several hours. there is just so much information. and i need to read literally all of it. i can barely even stop when i want to, if i manage to catch the time. i was like this when i read long novels too. reading while walking, reading at night in the car, reading under streetlights while we walked from the car to the store, waiting for my family to fall asleep late at night and then creeping into the bathroom and reading behind the door for hours and hours. i mean, i didn’t want to sleep, because horrifying nightmares. and i didn’t care about school, because the bullying was at its worst those years. the only genuinely interesting thing that didn’t also hurt me was reading. and it did hurt me... i don’t have as much “imagination” stamina as i used to and my eyes are getting weak. and i got back problems that i don’t tell my family about. it literally always hurts. i can’t make it stop.

i got yelled at for reading too long several times. when the last harry potter book came out my dad caught me reading upside down with my feet up against the wall at 3 am and nearly shook the walls when he punched the door. i didn’t even like harry potter as much as my sister did. mom caught me reading in the bathroom when i couldn’t wait long enough for her to go to bed to continue the story.

i just... have to look at all the information in front of me. it’s in instinct i can’t fight, and when i think about it, i don’t really want to fight it that much. it’s bad in some situations, but it’s mostly useful. and good when i need to make an informed decision.

even in discord channels, if other people had a conversation while i was away, even if i have no interest in the topic, and i know i won’t find it interesting, i will read it.

i’ve gotten just a little better about that, mostly because i don’t usually have the energy to interact with people.

anyway i remembered (i just also remembered right now so i will have to do that first thing in the morning) that i need to schedule my shuttle up to flagstaff for wednesday. so i went to ask dad what a good time for him to drop me off is. he said he was on the phone so i waited quietly and petted the dogs. eve is limping more than she was a few days ago.

after a few minutes dad spiked the phone into the desk and it hit the wall and fell behind the desk. i was startled, but i asked dad “what would be a good time for” and he interrupted me to snarl “i don’t care.” so i left the room.

he called me back into the room later by yelling at me. i asked what a good time would be for him since i needed to take the shuttle on wednesday, which is his physical therapy day. i have set aside wednesdays as “dad has full access to the car” days for the past several months so he could go to physical therapy for his elbow. he told me he hasn’t gone to that basically since i started scheduling my week around it. after yelling at me for not knowing about it and accommodating him when i first started leaving the house again.

COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so i gotta schedule the shuttle tomorrow morning. it’s 12:40 right now i can’t do it before i want to sleep if i’m gonna keep writing.

then i had the Iconic Exchange with asher about reach arounds. and then it was an hour later and mom got home and made a quiche. it was ok... it didn’t taste bad or anything, but i didn’t like the way that it filled up my mouth every single bite. i talked to mom about why she was angry at dad. they do not communicate effectively or understand each other very well. despite mom thinking she understands dad perfectly. they have very different priorities, and different priorities than the other thinks they have. then i took the dogs outside and then i took wiley on a walk. but only a short one because i had been chewed on by mosquitoes in the few minutes i took them out back and i was still tired and sore from the long drive yesterday.

then i kept reading tv tropes and then it was like 11. but i finally finished the tabs. all of them except two which i am not going to look at right now. even though they are interesting. 

i went downstairs and had some strawberries and came back up and watched some youtube. i found a new poet that is really cool. i put one of his works in my queue so that will post in like two days. i have a two-day queue buffer most of the time.

then i panicked when it was 12 and started writing!!! 

oh, mom talked to me about eve while i was eating. i mentioned that the sooner i left for florida at the end of the summer, the more likely it would be that eve would still be alive when i left. so i wouldn’t be there for her. mom made a face and asked if i really thought they wouldn’t take care of her. that’s not really what i was getting at, but i said that’s not what i thought and mentioned that she’s walking badly. mom said that my uncle mike was going to wait until she stopped using the leg and then amputate it. she should have up to another year in her if she recovers from the surgery well and the cancer hadn’t become malignant over the last few years. it will be easier for her to adjust to having three legs if she no longer uses the bad one anyway.

i don’t want her to die... but when i leave for florida i won’t be coming back, not really. they employ graduate students year-round. mom asked if i wanted eve to die and i said no but i felt guilty. it’s complicated... like, what if it was me. would i rather die around loved ones or live longer and see them leave. and how does my depression factor into my answer to that question in a way that it wouldn’t for eve? i can’t make the decision for her, but i also can’t communicate the situation to her in any way or get her feedback. all she can see is that i’m sad for some reason.

i watched her run around in the backyard with doge and wiley. diogi has resorted to little bunny-hops with her back legs to get moving while she scrambles much faster with her front legs. it looks funny but i’m glad she can still go more or less where she wants. eve has started running that way too though. supporting her back leg with her good one when she runs. diogi just kicks her back legs at the same time because it’s easier to coordinate. 

i dunno. i always feel wistful and sad when i watch the dogs. like this might be the last time i see them do this or that. how do they feel about it? they have to know. diogi’s doing “pack protection” behaviors that pack animals do when one of their members is sick or otherwise infirm. 

ehhhh i made myself sad. they’re not even dead yet. i am always happy to see them but also sad to know that i might not see them again. i can’t get that thought out of my head and just enjoy the time i got.

grief is weird. the past few days i’ve been feeling nothing and getting really confused when an emotion pops up because what even are emotions, but put an old dog in front of me and i feel REALLY BAD and it shoves me back into being alive IMMEDIATELY.

and then i’m gonna adopt a senior cat when i get to florida. a+ plan, can’t see how that will go wrong. there are no holes in this plan.

ok it’s 1 i gotta sleep. therapist appointment at 11:30 tomorrow. i will get up around 10 as usual though so it won’t be a rush. i was hoping i could push back my wake-up time to 9 but since it is already after 1 i don’t see that happening. i have just been too tired the last few days.

i know i had dreams last night but i don’t remember what they were about. just that they were there. as they always are. i can recall dreaming at least 6 nights a week, usually 7, even if i can’t remember anything besides vague impressions. and i don’t remember them less than half the time. it’s clogging up all my memory and emotion and energy space. for 20 years.

[firstumcschenectady]

“Prophetic Justice”based on  2 Samuel 12:1-9

It can seem like the word “scandal” and the phrase “abuse of power” were created to describe this period of history, but the Bible begs to differ. King David had more than his fair share of scandals and abuses of power.

At this point in the story, King David had been crowned king, and had the accouterments of power: he'd married the previous king's daughter, he'd moved into the palace, he had a large harem and many children. The Bible says that all these were God's gifts to him, a statement that I take core issue with, but am going to let lie for now.

Presumably the palace was higher than the rest of the buildings around it, in any case we're told that David was out walking on the roof deck and had the vantage point to see Bathsheba bathing. What he saw, he wanted. Worse yet, he had the power to get what he wanted. He sent his servants to find out who she was. They told him. They told him not only who she was, and whose daughter she was, but also who she was married to. Knowing this, he sent other servants to fetch her.

And then he raped her.

The Bible only says that he “lay” with her, but she didn't have the power to decline, and lacking the power to decline means that there is no possible way for there to be consent. We don't know if it was violent or not, but it was rape. Bathsheba was impregnated by the rape, and let David know.

Unfortunately, the story doesn't get any better at this point. David didn't want to take responsibility for his actions, so he started working on a cover up. Bathsheba's husband was serving in David's military, so David sent word to the general to send him home, under the cover of asking for a report from the front lines. It is also useful to know that at this time, kings tended to function as their own generals, and David staying home safe from the fighting was perceived by many as an inherent abuse of power.

David hoped that while home for the night, Bathsheba and her husband Uriah's marital relations would cover his rape. It turned out that Bathsheba's husband, Uriah, was a man of high integrity though. He felt that it was unfair to the fighting army for him to have the comforts of home while they were on the front lines, and so he slept with David's guards at the palace. Then David thought the man's integrity would break with just a bit more pressure, so he got Uriah drunk. However, it still didn't work. Uriah slept among the guards. So David wrote a letter to his general and sent it back to the front lines in the hands of Bathsheba's husband, Uriah.

The letter instructed the general to put Uriah in the front line of fighting and then pull back all the rest of the troops, to assure Uriah's death. His general followed orders, Uriah died, Bathsheba mourned, and then David had her moved into the palace and married her himself, adding her to his royal harem.

This, apparently, displeased God, the Bible tells us. (2 Samuel 11:27b) Nathan comes to speak God's truth to David's power. As we heard today, Nathan tells David a story about a rich man with a large herds and flocks and a poor man who had only one lamb and treated it like family. The rich man wanted to look hospitable and good, but didn't want to actually kill any of his animals, so he stole the other man's lamb and fed it to his guest.

Like any of us, David was immediately able to see the injustice and wanted to do something to fix it! He thought the rich man had no compassion, he thought the man should have to repay what he'd done 4 times over. In fact he thought the man deserved to die over it (although I'm told what he said didn't constitute an official judgment condemning the man to die, this was merely passion.) Nathan's story worked. It not only raised the issues of abuse of power and basic injustice, it found a way to get at the most basic problem: David's actions valued David more than other people, they indicated that David thought he mattered MORE. God doesn't work like that.

In the New Interpreter's Bible, Bruce Birch, comments on this passage saying, “Power is always tempted to live in the illusion that it is autonomous and self-sufficient. Powerful people in powerful positions often imagine that they can define reality in their own terms.”1 However, “In the eyes of God, the powerless are as valued as the powerful, and the exploitation of the powerless ones is evil.”2 That is, God's justice doesn't have favorites, but human action often does.

I don't know what was going on in David's mind when he took those actions. Did he think he was God's favorite who could do no wrong? Was he just high on power? Did he simply WANT and act on that desire without thought of consequences, and then want to avoid consequences?

Although I am generally not a fan of David's, in this story I think he acts as an extreme version of all of us. He isn't the only human to have desire for someone or something out of bounds.  He isn't the only one to break rules (or laws) to get what he wants. And he certainly isn't the only one to make things worse with the cover-up. It does turn out that when Nathan is done speaking his accusations, David actually acknowledges what he's done and expresses repentance! That is worthy of notice. Most scandals and abuses of power aren't acknowledged. Most of the time people double down on their “rightness” no matter how much harm they've done. In terms of acknowledging what he'd done and not repeating the same mistake, David IS an example of what humans can be.

It seems like David actually did know that what he was doing was wrong, even though that didn't stop him. Now, in those days what he was doing that was wrong was taking another man's property by sleeping with that man's wife, and then the murder. Today we add rape to the list of acts of evil he perpetuated. I suspect he knew that was wrong too.

In addition to my curiosity about David's motivations, I'm rather curious about Nathan's. Why did he bring this up to the king? I don't tend to think that God's connection to humans was actually that different in those days than today, so I think it is likely that “the Lord sending Nathan to David” is much more likely to be Nathan's deep sense that something was wrong and that God wanted his help in naming it. He may well have known that this had to be brought into the light, but it was still a frightening thing to do. Other prophets had been killed by kings, or threatened by them. David was already a murderer when someone got in his way.

Yet clearly Nathan's sense that this had to be spoken was MORE powerful than his concern for his own well-being. Why? Why was this worth it for him? Was Uriah one of his friends? Was David one of his friends? Was God just a really good nag?  Did this seem to matter? Did he want to prevent it happening again and again? Did he think David needed help finding the right ways to use power? Was he worried the whole country would fall apart if leadership like that continued?

Furthermore, of all of the issues of injustice that were present in that day, why was this one the one he spent his time on? This I might have an answer to! Human societies, at least ones with successful agriculture, naturally become domination systems. Some people end up with more power and they do what they can to keep it.

God's vision for the Israelites was a society without a domination system. It was carefully designed to prevent generation poverty or cycles of debt; to welcome the stranger and care for the vulnerable; to offer rest to all, no matter their status; and to prevent the creation of social classes or nobility. In fact, in the original system the Levites were the teachers who taught God's vision and tried to motivate people to keep it, but they were prevented by it from owning any land. Thus they couldn't adapt it to their own benefit!

I think the most significant deviation from this vision occurred at the creation of the kingship. The bible itself expresses DEEP ambivalence about the practice of having kings. It suggests that God didn't want a kingship for the country, but the people “wanted to be like other nations.” Since the people had been called by God to be a “light on a hill” the desire to be like their neighbors isn't exactly flattering. For the most part, the Bible is unimpressed with the kings personally as well as in theory. David most certainly included, and in his case it gives us good examples of why!

I suspect that Nathan knew all this. He knew that kings tend to create domination systems, and they tend to justify them with divine “favor.” And he knew that the well-being of the masses in Israel was dependent on limiting the power of the king to dominate. If that's true then his actions in calling out the king were meant to take care of the people. He might have only been calling out one action, but he was stopping the acceleration of domination.

It also seems worth noting HOW he did it. The use of the parable to bring his point home was brilliant. It raised David's yearning for a just world, and that was necessary to bring David around to seeing his own acts of injustice and evil. This may be a very good strategy to keep in our own toolboxes for the difficult conversations God nudges us to.

Time and time again in the Bible, prophets have to tell those in power that their actions are against God's will and are doing harm to God's people. The role of the prophet is HARD, and dangerous. It was dangerous when Jesus did it too. And now, the role of the prophet is now shared within the Body of Christ. Jesus's lifework was multifaceted, there is much to do as the living Body of Christ today. One piece of our shared work is to name injustices to those in power, to try to limit the destructive power of domination systems. For each of us individually, this is part of our work but the portion is different. At some times we have to speak to friends or family members. At others we have to speak to institutions or their leaders. All of it is difficult, but we are responsible for holding God's vision of a just society in the midst of the many illusions about power and its right to dominate others. Our God is a God of the powerless AND the powerful. Our work is to reflect God's: by seeking to eliminate the exploitation of the powerless. May God be with us that we might be as creative and successful as Nathan. Amen

1Bruce C. Birch, Commentary on 2nd Samuel, New Interpreter's Study Bible Vol 2 (Nashville, Abingdon Press, 1998), p. 1294.

2Birch, 1294.

--Rev. Sara E. Baron

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First United Methodist Church of Schenectady

603 State St. Schenectady, NY 12305

Pronouns: she/her/hers

http://fumcschenectady.org/

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March 4, 2018