#the way my mom and siblings are acting like im a sick and twisted freak sneaking around committing murders or something for…. eating

[pepprs]

i need to move out.

[vitos-ordination-song]

the last time my mom freaked out at me she threw so much shit my way i couldn’t even keep track. im still pretty fuzzy on it. lemme try to make a list of what i remember:

she was acting pretty much normal until i defended my right to say one (1) incident of abuse happened instead of just giving up and saying i was lying/crazy--after i didn’t back down she started to get extremely angry and defensive

she said she went through worse (common one there)

she started giving me grief about not supporting her enough (another common one)

she tries so hard and always did her best (she was crying by this point), she is so so sorry she wasn’t good enough (one time she asked if she needed to apologize again for being a bad mother in a way that made it sound like i was the asshole for not just letting things go, her putting on a show of guilt is not an authentic thing, it’s turning herself into the victim who needs comfort and me as the bad guy for confronting her)

any time i tried to deescalate she just got madder and she was alternating between angry and pathetic so quickly it was like whiplash

when i said “youre getting angry” she went “i have not once been angry in this conversation. i gave up all my anger to the lord”

i asked if she remembered the night where the incident of abuse happened and she said she didn’t. so all i asked was for her to stop saying im lying or crazy and at least admit it might have happened but she kept saying “im sorry i refuse to go along with you”

she blamed the fact that i think there was abuse in the family on the fact that i majored in psychology and spit out with intense vitriol “you need to stop reading all that SHIT”

i tried to talk about how the whole family is sick and take responsibility for myself but she could only see it as an attack. 

i brought up an incident that happened when i was in high school as an illustration. mom was mad at us for not standing up for ourselves and asking for things more. my brother said it was because we associated authority with the end of a belt and my mom just scorned him for that. so i brought this up years later and my mom’s response was “name one time you were hit with a belt in high school,” total deflection of the fact that i brought it up because we were hit when we were small children

she started doing her thing where she just keeps throwing things at you and trying to catch you out on something, like she went “okay give me an account of every single time you think you were abused”

she was so mad she started to sound like a cartoon villain, she said something like “you want to fight, then get in the ring”

i was getting overwhelmed but doing my best to keep a level head and she was falling apart and so she turned full pathetic and sad like a little kid near the end of the conversation and started going on about how she’s not as smart as me and just can’t believe in textbook psychology

i had to look up where i wrote about this at the time but yeah, i dont even think this is the full details of what happened and it probably only lasted about 10 minutes. it didn’t bother me that much in the moment but i think it’s a good example of what she’s like, the twists and turns of her mind, and how she attempts to control and manipulate others. i couldnt handle it as a kid but now that im an adult i can better. and like no wonder im fucked up i guess. it makes me feel sad thinking about how me and my siblings were just tiny little kids at her mercy and the mercy of our dad.