#the way I wrote it jack was unintentionally abusive

[coffee-at-annies]

This has been sitting in my drafts for at least six months but after finding it again I really wanted to post it. Hopefully people like it.

Jack is aromantic bisexual and Kent is homoromantic asexual and because they never talked about it or realized they had different sexualities it caused a fundamental disconnect in their relationship and has contributed to how they still view their relationship. This took a wild turn when I started writing Kent’s POV and got pretty fucking dark and a little bit explicit. Under the read more cause it got long (as all my things tend to do).

Content warnings for unhealthy relationships, dubious consent, cannon underage relationships, cannon drug addiction and drug overdose, cannon suicide attempt, suicidal idealization, unhealthy thought processes (kent prioritizes jack’s mental health over his own), sex-repulsion, and probably PTSD though I didn’t set out to write all that. This was based off my own headcannon that spun wildly out of control while I was writing it. I’ve gone back through it a couple different times but if I missed a content warning, a glaring error, or I’ve gotten something really terribly wrong, please let me know. (But ignore my shitty grammar, this isn’t beta read and I suck at grammar)

So let’s start with Jack. We know for a fact that Jack is bi (possibly pan). We know he’s had relationships with men and women in the past but that Bitty is the first person he’s been in love with. Jack knows what he likes. He knows what he finds attractive. He doesn’t see the point of hooking up a lot when there’s hockey to be played and he especially doesn’t see the point of relationships. To him they’re completely performative and he gets nothing out of them except exhaustion. He’s never really felt anything for the people he’s dated. Yes he and Parse had a thing, but he always knew they had an expiration date-the draft. And while he liked Parse and enjoyed hooking up with him, he didn’t love him. He doesn’t think he’s loved anyone. At least not in that way. He’s not even sure he can love someone until after Shitty attaches himself to Jack freshman year. Somewhere in the middle of hanging out and Shitty crawling into his bed (despite the fact that they live in separate dorm buildings) he develops this massive squish that never quite goes away. It’s bearable though. He knows nothing will ever come of it, especially when Shitty takes one look at their tiny new manager and falls head over heels.

What I’m saying is that Jack definitely experiences sexual attraction and he knows what he likes. That is why when Eric Bittle shows up Jack’s junior year he’s like “hot damn” and has to take a minute. And then Bitty curls up on the ice at the mention of checking and it instantly switches to a hard nope. And then he’s kind of an ass towards Bitty. Because even with the checking fear he’s still really attractive and Jack is trying to live his life without wanting to have sex with one of his teammates. It’s a thing. He’ll get through it. The last time he gave in he ended up sleeping with Parse, and that ended all kinds of badly. So yeah, Jack is attracted to Bitty. He gets used to being attracted to Bitty, especially when he moves into the Haus. Eventually it just becomes this background thing that he puts up with constantly.

It isn’t until after graduation that he realizes he doesn’t just want to sleep with Bitty, but he also is going to miss all the little things and hanging out, and he realizes he wants to date Bitty. This is a big deal for Jack. He’s not used to wanting to date someone. Dates are usually things that take time and attention away from hockey and are performative and boring. Dates were okay with Camilla because they could talk about their teams, and they were okay with Parse because it was mostly like hanging out with his friend and also he was too high or drunk or numb to really care a lot of the time back then. But he realizes he wants to take Bitty out and keep taking him out just to see the smile on his face. And as you know he runs across campus to immediately tell Bitty about this marvelous revelation.

It’s not until four or five years down the line when he’s doing work with the Falconers and You Can Play at a local youth LGBT center in Providence that he first hears about aromanticism and realizes that yes, he feels this very much and Bitty is just his one exception to the rule. He and Bitty have a lot of talks after this and he actually goes and apologizes to Kent. It goes okay.

Now Kent. Kent is ace. He’s gay, has known he only wants to kiss guys since he was 12 and had a crush on the captain of his team. He’s seen guys in the locker room though. Dicks are gross. Why would you want to touch someone’s dick when you could kiss or cuddle instead? It isn’t until he meets Jack that he realizes that maybe dicks aren’t too bad. They’re not great and he’d rather not have sex more often than he wants to, but the way Jack goes boneless and cuddles him after he comes is worth any discomfort and hey, he also gets an orgasm out of it. Usually he gets Jack off first and then gets himself off afterwards. The one time Jack tried to go down on him is not something he wants to repeat ever and the less said about the time they tried anal the better.

Kent loves Jack. He loves the way Jack smiles at him, the way they’re effortless together on the ice, the way that Jack’ll throw an arm around his shoulder when they go out with the team and herd him around. It makes him feel warm and happy inside. It makes him feel like he’s special, like he matters. And even if Jack seems a little bit out of it sometimes, the arm around his shoulders more for support than for comfort, well that’s just how Jack deals with his anxiety. It’s not a big deal. Kent won’t let it be. And if sex and cuddling calms him down and takes his mind off it, then that’s the least that Kent can do for him. Kent loves him. He’d do anything to keep the smile on Jack’s face and know he was doing okay.

Unfortunately, Jack keeps getting more and more distant the closer the draft looms. If they can just last the off season and still be okay after that, then Kent thinks they can survive the NHL. The teams with the top two picks are in the western conference, so it’s not like they’ll only see each other two games a year. They can make it work. Kent has faith in them. But that doesn’t happen. Jack overdoses and Kent goes first and Jack cuts Kent out of his life like he’s shedding dead weight. Kent has spent so much of the last two years in love with Jack, supporting him, trying to hold him together, and trying to plan their future, that the overdose and the sudden and enduring radio silence are physically painful for him. Kent put so much of himself into Jack that after everything was said and done, Kent doesn’t know who he is without him. And the one time he actually gets Jack to answer his goddamn phone that first year… well let’s just say it’s not good and leave it there.

Kent’s a mess. The love of his life tried to kill himself and of course Kent blames himself because he wasn’t enough to stop Jack from doing it, wasn’t enough for Jack to want to live no matter how often Bob tells him it wasn’t a suicide attempt and that he’s not to blame. Jack definitely blames Kent for going first; as if Kent wanted that when all he wanted was Jack. And now he’s the rookie face of a franchise who probably wanted Jack “living legacy” Zimmerman over him and he has to do his best to overcome their disappointment at him being the “consolation prize.” And yes guys do call him that on the ice. He doesn’t have enough fingers and toes to count the number of times he’s been told the only reason he went first is because Jack overdosed. He doesn’t even have the number of fingers to count the number of times people accused him of convincing Jack to overdose so he could go first-as if he hadn’t hated the pills and what they did to Jack-as if he hadn’t begged Jack to get off them-as if he wasn’t the one to find Jack in their hotel room the day before the draft and call for help.

Needless to say Kent is hurting and a mess and gets in a lot of fights that first year. His team tries to help. They try. They’re not successful. They’re too new a team, still in the middle of a rebuild, to get him wins like they’d like, but they’re in Vegas and they’re athletes so they can get him as much alcohol and girls as it takes to drown his sorrows. Except Kent doesn’t like girls. He doesn’t even like boys at this point. The one time he tries to hook up with a guy in a club, the minute the guy gets his hand down Kent’s pants, Kent has a flashback to Jack doing the same thing and nearly throws up on the guy. He manages to play it off like he had too much to drink and gets out of there but it’s not an experience he wants to have again. Jack was his first everything and now that Jack’s gone nothing in his life works right. He’s left feeling dirty and used, as if the time and effort he spent on Jack and all of his feelings was meaningless in the face of Jack’s anxiety and his addiction problems. As if Jack is more important than Kent. And let’s be real here, Kent has always thought Jack was more important than him.

It takes Swoops asking him out two years later and his discomfort the entire time they’re on a date for him to admit that maybe something is wrong with him and that yeah, he’s still in love with Jack. It’s about then that he actually listens to what his A has been saying since day one and gets himself to counseling. And it helps. He figures out that he’s homoromantic and probably asexual and while he may be gray-ace or demi his experiences with Jack and the way things ended have left him more than a little sex repulsed.

It takes him a long time and multiple awful confrontations with Jack before he admits to his therapist that he doesn’t know how to move on but that maybe he’s starting to realize that he needs to. Jack has never cared for him the way he cared for Jack. He never put the time and effort into their relationship, and yeah, Kent did some shitty things last time they talked but he was hurt, Jack hurt him just by existing and not caring for him the way he cared for Jack. He eventually gets himself to a good place. Even to a place where he can maybe talk about his sex repulsion and intimacy issues with potential partners. He still doesn’t like hooking up and dicks haven’t become less gross, but he’s kind of okay now being in the same room as a partner’s dick and knowing that he’s not obligated to do anything about it.

When Jack calls him up years down the line, after they’ve made up and started a tentative friendship again, to tell him that he thinks he’s aromantic and he’s sorry for any mixed signals and how he unknowingly treated Kent when they were teenagers, Kent cries. He can’t quite get out that he’s ace. That he’s pretty sure his sex repulsion is because of him. Kent had spent his teenage years doing everything he could to make sure Jack was okay and that he only had to worry about the other team and getting pucks to the net, and Kent doesn’t know how to talk about how doing that fucked him up. So he thanks Jack for telling him, doesn’t tell him that he’s still in love with him and probably always will be a little in love with him, and goes and cries into his boyfriend’s shoulder. Swoops doesn’t need Kent to be there for him. He doesn’t even need sex. He wants Kent because he says that he makes his days brighter and happier but if Kent left he wouldn’t crumble and if Swoops left neither would Kent, and that’s what Kent needs in a relationship at this point.

[parvuls]

@missellewoods wrote this post, and i wanted to respond to it, but i also didn’t want to add a thesis-length response to their post. the post was about the complexity of the parse iii scene, and i highly encourage looking at it before reading this, because it’s a direct response. 

i wasn’t sure i was gonna do it, but i’m fascinated with jack’s pov, so.

(transcripts from parse i-iii, plus visual cues from lva@pvd i)

[jack turns around, obviously unhappy/startled] "kent." "hey, zimms. didja miss me?" [smirks]

so parse shows up at the haus for the second time, after jack’s seen him last in either freshman or sophomore year. jack is not happy to see him. this is probably the part the remains the most ambiguous to us as an audience, because it leads up to parse iii: shitty’s story about parse’s first appearance is supposed to make us think that jack is jealous, and that he’s holding a grudge because parse is living his dream while he’s at samwell. however, this story isn’t included to give us more information about jack’s psych -- it is, after all, what we expect from jack after his year 1 arc -- it’s there so the impact of parse iii is more significant. it’s the first time we’re given reason to doubt jack’s heterosexuality and are given an actual glimpse to jack’s past since ‘the hockey prince’.

so is shitty’s story true? obviously ngozi is playing with the narrative here: smh all claim parse is a modest, super nice bro, but then we hear how he talks to jack in parse iii. meaning, ngozi is telling us: believe no one. you can’t actually know what he’s like, or what jack and he are like.

so our scene begins with jack, 1) either upset because his former friend shows up and triggers his intense jealousy, or 2) is upset because his former flame shows up and triggers unresolved feelings. honestly, in my opinion, jack himself isn’t sure which one it is. which is a great set up for the unfolding of the next scene.

[jack and parse are talking about jack’s nhl plans]

"...you have no clue?" "i mean... it could be montreal, it could be l.a. okay? i don't know." "...what about las vegas?" "i... i don't know, okay?" "..." [parse probably moves closer/tries to kiss him] "pars---" "..." "..." [whispered] "--kenny... i can't do this." "...jack. come on."

their conversation starts out relatively neutrally. we’re given enough clues from this update and the future of omgcp to deduce that parse isn’t over what he and jack had. this is also the very reason they don’t work and why this conversation takes a sharp turn downwards from here: parse equates his feelings and whatever sexual/romantic connection they had to the chemistry they had on the ice. to him, jack leaving him and going to play for some obscure college is just as upsetting as their ‘thing’ ending. parse spends most of this scene trying to convince jack to come play with him in lv -- the only reason we even know it’s in some way romantic is because of his reaction to the Cup Kiss in year 3. otherwise, he makes it sound like he misses jack as a liney and best friend, maybe as a sexual partner.

but the catch is, jack was in a really bad place when they were playing together, and he doesn’t want that back. does parse know how bad things were? does parse know about jack’s anxiety? how well does parse know jack, really? this is all kept intentionally hidden from us. you could say that they were best friends, so it’s reasonable that parse knew all of this (thus painting his character in a much worse light), or you could say shitty is jack’s best friend and he still didn’t know major things about him. ngozi doesn’t want us to be able to tell how aware or not aware parse is.

so in the beginning of this scene, we’re on the edge of an inevitable cliff. parse wants jack back, as a friend/flame and as a teammate, and jack’s obviously torn. he doesn’t push parse away immediately, but he also doesn’t consent. my opinion is that jack is torn between his old dream (all his 18-year-old self wanted was to play in the nhl with parse, and win win win), and knowing this isn’t what he wants. but does not wanting that necessarily means he doesn’t want parse himself? jack’s obviously not sure, because he lets parse corner him/kiss him before he decides it isn’t right. 

if anyone here has ever met an old flame, especially someone who was bad for you but you cared for for a long time, you’ll know how easy it is to fall into patterns. for a moment the idea of having that all again is so enticing. but then the illusion shatters, and...

"no, i-- ...uh." [and then much louder] "kenny--" "--zimms, just fucking stop thinking for once and listen to me. i'll tell the gms you're on board and they can free up cap space. then you can be done with this shitty team. you and me --" "get out."

here is the most important part of this scene in my opinion. kent doesn’t know jack anymore. anyone on the face of the planet could tell you that jack is a hardass, that he’s tough on his teammates, that his dream is the nhl. but jack loves his team. he didn’t necessarily always know how to be their friend, but he certainly doesn’t think of them as a ‘shitty team’ he’s stuck with.

and parse makes the mistake of shattering the illusion he’s built (with the clever use of the wording ‘shitty’, which probably reminds jack of the friends he has now). jack wakes up from the dream he had when he was 18 and comes back to reality: he’s samwell men’s hockey team’s captain, he cares for his team, and his new dream is to win the ncaa championship and go to the nhl. he doesn’t want this thing parse is offering him, because the person he’s offering it to isn’t him anymore.

and here is the first twist of this scene that op is referring to: jack starts to get angry.

"--jack." "you can't-- you can't come to my fucking school unannounced --" "--because you shut me out--" "--and corner me in my room--" "--i'm trying to help--" "--and expect me to do whatever you want--" "FUCK -- JACK!!! what do yo want me to say? that i miss you?” [twists his fingers in jack’s shirt, crowding into jack’s space. jack turns away, frowning angrily] “i miss you, okay? ...i miss you."

does parse really miss jack, or is it a ploy? honestly, i think the facial expressions we’re privy to in year 3 hint that he really means that. he misses jack. he doesn’t necessarily miss the current jack (it’s likely that he’s stuck on the fantasy of what they had when they were younger), but he means what he says. he wants jack back.

but jack is angry, because parse is complicating things for him. they were talking about playing together, and then parse insulted his choices, and now parse is talking about being together, and jack -- who took A YEAR PLUS to figure out his feelings for bitty -- probably has a hard time handling all of these things at once. for parse there’s nothing complicated here: the jack he knows wouldn’t want to play for a college team (therefore, =shitty team), and playing with jack=being with jack. 

for jack none of these things work like that anymore. they’ve grown too far apart.

"...you always say that." "...huh. well, shit. okay. ...you know what, zimmermann? you think you're too fucked up to care about? that you're not good enough? everyone already knows what you are but it's people like me who still care."

and... okay. so things go south now, and quickly. if you’re a parse stan... honestly, i hope you’re a parse stan who’s aware parse needs a shit ton of therapy. 

jack insults parse, whether intentionally or unintentionally, by being casual about parse’s declarations of feelings. to be fair, jack thinks parse was playing dirty. but parse doesn’t see it like that, so he’s offended, and apparently when he’s offended he gets angry and lashes out.

now. the unfortunate thing about knowing someone at their most vulnerable time is that you also know exactly how to kick them down to their lowest. we all hurt our loved ones the most, because we know them the best. but parse doesn’t just hurt jack here: he goes for the jugular. he kicks jack and then makes sure he stays down. and this is actually the most we see parse say in the whole comic, so... we can’t judge parse as a whole person, but. i’m sorry. he’s definitely not a good friend to jack.

(how bad of a friend? depends on how aware he was of jack’s anxiety and thoughts and feelings. if he was aware, this is a highly emotionally abusive thing to do. if he wasn’t aware, he was just being a shitty friend. either way, parse needs therapy, because he’s holding on to a lot of anger and is expressing it in a really awful way. but we can’t analyze him any further as a character because parse is not the focus of this story and we don’t know anything more about him.)

[faintly] "--shut up--" "--you're scared everyone else is going to find out you're worthless, right? oh, don't worry, just give it a few seasons, jack. trust me." [probably begins shaking] "...g-get out of my room." "fine. shut me out again." "and stay-... stay away from my team." "why? afraid i'll tell them something?" [voice growing stronger] "leave, parse." [door opening; jack and parse are surprised to find bitty outside the door. jack is visibly shaking, holding the attack at bay]

op asked how jack’s anger turns into a full blown panic attack. the answer is parse goes for his weak points faster than jack can prepare himself, just when jack was open for an attack. he calls jack ‘worthless’, which is jack’s second worst fear, and then (probably) tries for the sexuality angle. it’s unclear whether he’s threatening to out jack or to tell the team about his substance problems, but more likely the former, because the latter was all over the news.

parse is clearly upset here. is he just angry for being rejected? is he humiliated? is he heartbroken? we don’t know. the only hint we have is ‘shut me out again’, which implies he’s at least still upset about jack cutting him off after the draft. what we do know is that jack, with the last shreds of his will power, tries to defend his team. tries to cling on to the idea that he knows there are people who believe in him (this is very hard under the cloud of anxiety).

either way, jack’s panic isn’t even about parse or what parse used to be -- it’s just that parse knows where to press.

[parse clears throat, putting his indifferent mask back on] "hey. well. call me if you reconsider or whatever. but good luck with the falconers." [lands the final blow] "...i'm sure that'll make your dad proud." [jack's panic attack takes over. he retreats to his room, slams the door, and slides down to curl into himself on the floor for an undetermined amount of time]

and then parse, in front of jack’s teammate, lands the worst punch he has in his arsenal. jack’s worst fear. disappointing his dad.

jack spent all of year 2 talking to nhl teams and being watched by scouts and negotiating contracts, and consulting with his dad and his teammates to make a decision. he’s not sure about the falconers until much later, but he obviously leans towards them. which is a whole essay in and of itself: jack leans towards the falconers, a smaller, younger team with no cups, but with a lot of potential and good people and something to prove. this is a metaphor for jack’s growth as a character. he could go for a more established team to look good in front of the world, or pick a winning-streak team like the aces to feed into his anxiety. parse is taunting him with his own growth, making him doubt himself: you think you can change? you think you can really be someone new after playing in some college team? if you’re not who you were when you were 18 and first-pick at the draft (before you ruined everything for yourself and ended up here), you’re no one. and your dad will never be proud of you.

[end scene.]

[doggernaut]

Gonna go with 12, chief

12. What headcanon will you keep implementing in your fics, even if canon ends up contradicting it?

So. Many. Some of these are pretty basic. Some are more in-depth.

Lardo is bi. She just is.

Check, Please parents are not bad people. They may have made parenting mistakes that caused their children pain, but I never write Bitty's parents unaccepting of his sexuality and relationship, and I don't write Jack's parents as win-at-all-costs people who put a ton of pressure on Jack to succeed at hockey. (I think, specifically, that Bob may have unintentionally been overbearing at times but not in an abusive way.)

Along these lines, I always write the Zimmerparents as very loving and--often--as comic relief.

Bad Bob Zimmermann is the cook in the family.

My older!Zimbits headcanons are pretty consistent across the future fics I write, even if specific details don't make it in every fic.

Possible unpopular opinion, but I ship Tater and the sports reporter (Vanessa) from Channel 7. If he's ever married in my fic, she's his partner.

And finally (I'm so tied to this one I wrote a whole fic about it) ...

Jack! Zimmermann! Is! Eric! Bittle's! Trophy! Husband!

Thank you for the ask!

Fanfic writer asks

[hannibal-obsessed]

Why Not Spend Your Lock-Down with Dr. Hannibal Lecter?

By Shannon L. Christie

You are cordially invited to spend your lock-down, dining in the company of Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

Menu

Reception

Dr. Hannibal Lecter is one of thee most iconic fictional literary villains, created in the 20th Century; Hollywood films has cemented his iconic status and his transformation into the 21st Century, via network television, has been carefully crafted under the watchful eye of executive producer, Martha De Laurentiis.

Hannibal Lecter sprang from the mind of novelist Thomas Harris; Lecter has been in our lives for almost 40 years; introduced with the publication of Red Dragon in October 1981; he has never left our consciousness for too long.

So where does one start?

Do you read the 4 novels, watch the 5 movies or the TV Series?

Do I start at the beginning with Harris's novel, Red Dragon?

There are several ways to feast upon Hannibal Lecter: read Harris' novels first: watch the movies and then dine on the TV Series; read the novels, watch the corresponding movies and then the TV Series; watch the TV Series and then go back, watch the movies and read the novels. Whatever way you decide, you will not be disappointed at the end of your feast!

The following menu outline would be my suggestion for how to feast upon the sumptuous offerings of Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

Amuse-bouche

In this course we are served small bit-sized morsels of Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

Red Dragon: Thomas Harris, 1981

Will Graham, a former FBI Special Agent with an instinct for profiling, is sucked back into consulting for the FBI on their latest serial murder case; involving the Tooth Fairy. Will's been living a quiet life in Florida with his wife and son, when his former boss, Jack Crawford visits, enticing Graham back into the game. In order to get that old scent back; Graham needs to get into the mindset of a killer, so he visits Dr. Hannibal Lecter at The Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane, where Lecter is serving 9 consecutive life terms for murder. Graham was the FBI Agent who finally caught Hannibal and it almost cost him his life and sanity.

Interesting Fact: Harris attended portions of Ted Bundy's trial for the Chi Omega Murders in Florida. The Prosecutors in the Bundy trial used bite marks left on one of his victims as evidence. Dolarhyde left bite marks on Mrs. Leeds, which allowed forensics to create dental impressions, creating a sample of Dolarhyde's teeth.

Manhunter: Directed by Michael Mann, 1986

Manhunter was written and directed by Michael Mann; starring William Petersen (Will Graham), Dennis Farina (Jack Crawford), Tom Noonan (Francis Dollarhyde, film spelling/Red Dragon/Tooth Fairy), Joan Allen (Reba McClane) Brian Cox (Hannibal Lecktor, film spelling).

Manhunter is now considered a cult classic; at the time of it's original release it fared poorly at the box office and met with mixed reviews. It's cult status may be partially due to the continuing saga of Hannibal Lecter and William Petersen's success in CSI. The film touches on many of the important elements of the novel and also misses on quite a few. What is Dolarhyde's motive? The movie is dated with a definite 80's Michael Mann vibe; in spite of that it is definitely worth a watch for Noonan's performance.

Interesting Fact: Film Producer Dino De Laurentiis purchased the movie rights to the novel Red Dragon in 1983.

Red Dragon: Directed by Brett Ratner, 2002

This is where I'll skip ahead and talk about Manhunter's remake, Red Dragon. You can either choose to watch Red Dragon here or move it to after Hannibal to watch in order of release – entirely up to you.

Dino De Laurentiis passed on the movie rights to The Silence of the Lamb, due to the poor showing of Manhunter at the box office. So when The Silence of the Lambs was critically acclaimed by the critics; a huge box office success; winning the top 5 categories at the 1992 Oscars; Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Actress and Best Adapted Screenplay – Dino wanted another serving of Hannibal Lecter.

When Harris released his third Lecter novel, simply titled Hannibal, Dino De Laurentiis picked up the rights and saw this as an opportunity to remake Manhunter, this time using the book title, Red Dragon, especially considering the success of Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lecter. In fact, Red Dragon was released in theatres a year after Hannibal.

Lecter's role was beefed up with a few added scenes; Lecter enjoying the symphony with the exception of the violinist; experiencing one of Lecter's sinfully delicious dinner parties of the music council with the violinist as the main course; seeing the tete-a-tete played out between Lecter and Graham (Edward Norton) that nearly cost them both their lives.

Dolarhyde's (Ralph Fiennes) abusive childhood is explored, the motivation for his heinous crimes against families. We see more of the relationship between Dolarhyde and Reba (Emily Watson) and Dolarhyde's struggle to keep the monster at bay. Ted Tally wrote the screenplay (he wrote The Silence of the Lambs screenplay and passed on the Hannibal screenplay); he has a great sense of what is essential to the narration of a well conceived movie, without loosing too much of the original story told by Thomas Harris.

I am partial to Red Dragon over Manhunter for that reason; I love Ralph Feinnes portrayal of Dolarhyde; he's creepy without being overtly creepy like Noonan is in Manhunter. Anthony Hopkins plays Hannibal Lecter beautifully as he always does. There are a few flaws in this version though, namely Edward Norton's portrayal of Will Graham. I love Norton – I just think he was wrong for the part and the bleached blonde hair drove me mad. I also have issue with Harvey Keitel as Jack Crawford, I just didn't get an FBI Special Agent in charge of the Behavioral Science Unit vibe from him. Keitel is the guy you bring in to rough up your suspect. On the plus side, the crime scenes are more graphic than in Manhunter, which I feel is essential to understanding the severity of the need to capture this fiend, because now he has a taste for it and he will not stop!

Interesting Fact: Dino De Laurentiis had to make a deal with MGM, so the shot of The Baltimore State Hospital building used in The Silence of the Lambs, could be used in Red Dragon, as the building had been demolished.

Dinner

Appetizer

In this course we are treated to petite, rich tasty morsels of Hannibal Lecter,

both of the hot and cold variety.

The Silence of the Lambs: Thomas Harris, 1988

The follow up novel to Red Dragon, Harris' third novel, Lecter was not a character Harris intended to use; he just showed up one day as Harris wrote. The Silence of the Lambs was the story of a young female FBI agent in training; female agents were a relatively new concept at Quantico. J. Edgar Hoover had died in 1972 and the FBI slowly started to drag itself into the modern age and out of the Mafia/Prohibition dark ages that it was founded on. Harris' story of Clarice Starling was an exploration of an agent in training along with a manhunt, headed by Jack Crawford, for a serial killer, only known as “Buffalo Bill”; who abducted girls, held them hostage for a few days; shot them in the heads, dumped their bodies in rivers; having partially skinned them post mortem. The FBI is stumped, they have no motive, no pattern and no connections between the victims. What should they do? Crawford sends Clarice Starling, an agent in training to interview Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

The Silence of the Lambs: Directed by Jonathan Demme, 1991

As I previously mentioned, Dino de Laurentiis passed on acquiring the movie rights for The Silence of the Lambs; the rights ended up in the hands of Demme and Orion Films, without a fee paid to De Laurentiis. The screenplay was written by Ted Tally, who managed to highlight all the important aspects of the novel, creating a balanced story. The movie starred Jodie Foster (Clarice Starling), Glenn Scott (Jack Crawford), Anthony Heald (Dr, Frederick Chilton), Ted Levine (Jame Gumb/Buffalo Bill) and Anthony Hopkins (Hannibal Lecter),

Interesting Fact: Anthony Hopkins on screen performance of Hannibal Lecter, consisting of only sixteen minutes earned him an Oscar for Best Actor in 1992.

Entree

This course is a hearty and meaty dish of Hannibal Lecter, served with delicate red sauce.

Hannibal: Thomas Harris, 1999

Would Harris write another Lecter novel? As we eagerly waited to see – making us wait 10 long years, Harris' reward was Hannibal; a story centred around Dr. Hannibal Lecter. I think many people weren't prepared for the monster to be uncaged. It was bloodier and gorier than the previous two films and quite sadistic. Manhunter and The Silence of the Lambs were considered psychological thrillers with a dollop of horror. Hannibal was a full on horror novel with a dollop of psychological thriller. Dr. Hannibal Lecter was free of his cage, just in-time for the new millennium and some readers were not happy.

When the novel, Hannibal, was released, many critics and readers were appalled by the goriness of it (we are talking about a man who kills people and eats them). I guess once the layers of the onion were peeled away; culture, music, art, culinary skills, courteousness – they were horrified by the monster at the centre – that was the point. Serial killers show society a veneer of acceptable personality traits; they keep the monster hidden away, until he breaks through and comes out to play. In that sense, the novel Hannibal, is spot on. He's your neighbour, your friend, your husband, your father, your brother and sometimes your son (The majority of serial killers are male, sorry guys). He wears a symbolic mask in public, to prevent you from guessing how sick and perverted he truly is.

Harris' novel, Hannibal, was the perfect GOTCHA moment! Harris had led us into a false sense of security; either intentionally or unintentionally, with Lecter's intro in Red Dragon; sure he tells Francis Dolarhyde to kill Graham's family – In The Silence of the Lamb; Lecter is so helpful trying to advance Clarice Starling's career; sure he kills several people while escaping from custody; we'll just chalk that up to acceptable carnage.

We start to rationalize that Lecter can't be all bad; he must have some redeeming qualities: he's a man of sophisticated tastes; he's knowledgeable; an incredible chef; a great musician and artist. We don't even mind knowing that he dined on Dr. Chilton, upon his escape; possibly thinking Chilton had it coming.

Harris let us peek briefly behind the curtain in Red Dragon and The Silence of the Lambs and perhaps Harris was dismayed to learn that upon the popularity of Hopkins portrayal of Hannibal Lecter; he'd become a pop culture icon and somewhat of a hero. Hannibal shattered that illusion.

We find Clarice Starling, 10 years later, working as an FBI Special Agent, in a stagnate career. She can't advance; being blocked by Paul Krendler.

Hannibal has been living in Florence as the curator of the Palazzo Capponi as Dr. Norman Fell (the real Dr. Fell disappeared under mysterious circumstances). Florence, Italy, the ideal spot for Lecter, a true Renaissance man. We discover there has been a string of murders by the fiend, know as Il Mostro.

Meanwhile, Mason Verger, Lecter's 4th victim, is on the hunt for Dr. Lecter, who left Mason disfigured, although technically by Mason's own hand. Verger has offered a $3,000,000 reward for information leading to the capture of Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

Interesting Fact: Thomas Harris attended the trial of The Monster of Florence, Pietro Pacciani, in 1994, incorporating some of the aspects of the crimes into his Hannibal novel and hinting that Hannibal himself was Il Mostro (The Monster of Florence).

Hannibal: Directed by Ridley Scott, 2001

If some readers were unhappy with the novel, there were those unhappy about the production of a movie in the same vain. Ted Tally didn't want to write the screenplay, Foster didn't want to reprise her role as Starling and Demme wasn't interested in directing. The consensus was it was too graphic and gory and they wanted no part of it; a complete turnaround; they initially were chomping at the bit to be involved in the follow-up to The Silence of the Lambs.

Interesting Fact: Dino De Laurentiis was under the impression that given a good story even he could play Clarice Starling.

The extra dinner course you never needed; you were already full.

Hannibal Rising: Thomas Harris, 2006

From all accounts that I've read, Harris was gently coerced into writing Hannibal Rising. Dino De Laurentiis wanted an origin story to turn into a film and he'd do it with or without Harris. Harris eventually caved and produced the fourth Lecter novel, Hannibal Rising.

Harris uses the hardships of WWII as the starting backdrop for the development of young Lecter's transformation into “Hannibal the Cannibal”. This is perhaps a story that never needed to be told. We were given glimpses in the novel Hannibal that never made it into the movie and perhaps that was a mistake; not seeing the humanity in Hannibal before events unfolded to create a monster and he is a monster, however refined his tastes are. It would have made a good contrast to the harshness of Lecter's grotesque and sadistic actions in Hannibal; that's where a good screenplay, might have made a difference. Francis Dolarhyde, Jame Gumb and Hannibal Lecter weren't born evil, they were shaped and moulded by their harsh experiences as young, innocent, impressionable children. Monsters aren't born, they are made – the moral of the stories. The difference being Hannibal always took responsibility for his actions, never placing the blame at someone else’s feet.

Hannibal Rising: Directed by Peter Webber, 2007

This time Harris would be involved, writing the screenplay for the Hannibal Rising movie. While I enjoyed Gaspard Ulliel as a young Hannibal, I felt that the story was unnecessary.

And just when you thought that was all and Hannibal Lecter's story had been narrated from beginning to end; Lecter was resurrected in 2013 for Bryan Fuller's TV Series, titled Hannibal, for three seasons on NBC.

Dessert

A delicate balance of psychiatry, culinary skills, food porn, relationships, sex, beauty, horror

and murder tableaus, like the layers of a sinful Double Chocolate Torte.

Hannibal TV Series: Developed by Bryan Fuller, 2013-2015

I know what you're going to say; there's no way I'm watching a Hannibal TV show without Hopkins on NBC! Whether your a Cox fan or a Hopkins fan; they both played the part in their own style and both performances are top notch. Hopkins had a little more to sink his teeth into with The Silence of the Lambs; as the screen time was slightly longer than in Manhunter.

I was stubborn too! I didn't watch Hannibal during the originally airing for season one or two. I remember catching a glimpse of an episode as I was on my way out to photograph a band; I was a live music photographer for around three years, so many of my Friday nights were spent in Toronto. It was the episode with the horse and the coffin-birth, which ultimately left an impression. So in January 2015 I binge watched season one and two (26 episodes) in only two days; I couldn't stop watching!

There's been a string of missing girls attributed to one person, known as “The Minnesota Shrike” and the FBI are struggling for leads. Upon the eighth girls disappearance, Jack Crawford (Laurence Fishburne) walks into Will Graham's (Hugh Dancy) classroom to request his help. Graham has the unique ability to empathize with narcissits and sociopaths and as he states, it has less to do with a personality disorder and more to do with an active imagination. Dr. Bloom expresses her concerns to Jack Crawford about using Will Graham for his special gifts and recommends keeping an eye on him; suggesting a colleague of hers, Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

Bryan Fuller's adaption uses Red Dragon as the main source material, with additional material from Hannibal and Hannibal Rising; expanding characters stories and switching some genders to give it a less male dominated cast. Characters like Margot Verger, who were left out of the Hannibal movie are slotted back in to give the Mason Verger story more substance. Cordell, Verger's valet and cook, is far cheekier in the TV series. Dr. Alan Bloom is transformed into Dr. Alana Bloom and Freddy Lounds, once played by the amazing Philip Seymour Hoffman becomes Freddie Lounds played by Lara Jean Chorostecki, who plays her less sleazy and yet still despicable.

Interesting Fact: Bryan Fuller incorporated some of the forward written by Harris in Red Dragon about his experience writing the novel.

Whipped Fresh Creme & a Cherry On-top!

Hannibal Fan Fiction

Season 3 of Hannibal ends on a cliff hanger and unfortunately NBC cancelled the show without a resolution. Not to worry, there is a buffet of Hannibal Fan Fiction out there for you to sink your teeth into. Hannibal fan fiction spans the spectrum of General Audience to NC-17 to pornographic; there is something to suit everyone's taste. If you don't find anything pleasing; you can always write your own fan fiction!

Interesting Fact: Some of the cast members have read Hannibal fan fiction.

Hannibal Fan Art

The amazing thing about the Hannibal fandom, whether you're old school or new school; there is incredible artwork to explore created by incredibly talented artists.

Interesting Fact: Bryan Fuller and the De Laurentiis Company are not dicks about copyright infringement, when it comes to fan art and fan fiction.

Hannibal Conventions

Red Dragon Con by Starfury: An all Hannibal Con in London, England.

Fannibal Fest: An all Hannibal Con with location tours in Toronto, Canada.

Sofa-Con by Fannibal Fest: Due to the lock-down situation around the world because of Covid-19 all conventions were cancelled in 2020. Fannibal Fest set of some Zoom meetings with guests that starred or worked on Hannibal.

There are several Hannibal fandom groups all over different parts of the world; who meat-up to dine and discuss their favourite topic, Hannibal. I am part of a GTA Fannibal group that centres around Toronto, Canada and we’ve met several times.

So, as we finish our dining experience with Dr. Hannibal Lecter; we'll eagerly anticipate another invitation to Lecter's dinner table, as a guest or if you're unspeakably rude, perhaps you'll be the main course; either way I'll meet or eat you there!

Shannon L. Christie

aka Hannibal_Obsessed

[words-and-fangirling-wonder]

A is for Anniversary Part 2

Well, after an inexcusable length of time, here’s part 2 of Anniversary. One last part and then I’m on to P (spoiler, P is for Parents)! I would apologize and make excuses for the delay again, but I think this is just who I am as a person and I should probably just accept it at this point. I’ll do my best to be more regular with updates, though!

This part is from Law’s point of view. 

Author: fangirlwonder (wordsandwonder on AO3)

Pairing: Kid/Law

Prompt: Anniversary

Rating: Teen, but only for swearing and stuff, I don’t know I’m bad at rating

Beta’d by: @fitgirlfaith24

Eustass talked in his sleep. Most of the time, especially on the frequent occasions that insomnia got the best of him, Law found this little quirk rather endearing. It was nice to have a source of entertainment on those sleepless nights. Sometimes he even wrote down the things his boyfriend muttered in the wee hours of the morning. His favorites were “Just wait! I’ll be the queen of Tokyo!” and the indignant “Chalkmouth! That’ll teach you to yell at me in class.”

Of course, sometimes these nighttime utterances weren’t so much adorable as they were slightly terrifying. Like the time Eustass had asked Law to bring him a machete, and when the doctor questioned him he rolled over, looked Law dead in the eye, and in a deadly serious voice informed him, “I don’t take prisoners.” Or the time he hummed thoughtfully before saying “Yes, bayonets would be more effective.”

But other times? Eustass’s sleepy murmurings were … illuminating. For example, just two weeks ago the mechanic revealed that he was excitedly planning a surprise party for Law’s birthday. Considering how much Law hated surprises, it was probably for the best that his boyfriend unknowingly spoiled it, because then Law avoided an uncomfortable night and a fight on his birthday. Instead, he was able to pretend to be caught off guard, enjoy his night, and celebrate his birthday the only way he really wanted to with Eustass after all the guests had gone. And now, if Law had heard correctly, the redhead had gone from clinging to his arm and calling him a “pesky little spider monkey” to admitting how excited he was for their six-month anniversary. This Sunday. And then something about loving pizza. But the important thing was the anniversary.

Very illuminating.

See, maybe it was because he’d been under a lot of pressure at work lately, or because there had been a recent flare-up of drama with his uncle, but Law had forgotten all about their anniversary. If he was being honest with himself, though, it probably didn’t have anything to do with those outside factors. No, he probably forgot because he’d only ever had a relationship last over six months once before, and keeping track of romantic longevity had become a somewhat depressing activity for him, so he’d simply stopped forcing himself to think about it. He didn’t naturally tend to pay attention to that kind of thing anyway. But now that oversight was smacking him in the face, because he was watching Eustass as he muttered excitedly about what was apparently going to be the “best anniversary ever” and damn it if the man wasn’t smiling about it. And maybe with someone else that wouldn’t really matter that much to Law, but seeing his boyfriend grin in his sleep brought an answering smile to Law’s face, and that was how he knew that for whatever reason, it did matter with Eustass.

Six months. Wow. Law couldn’t help but be a little impressed, as well as slightly grossed out as he realized that the cheesy cliché ‘time flies when you’re having fun’ was uncomfortably fitting to their situation. Law normally found relationships to be very trying and almost endlessly exhausting. Definitely more trouble than they were worth. But Eustass … being with Eustass really was fun. And more than that, it had become as natural as breathing to him. In fact, their relationship was something he was so used to, so comfortable with, that he forgot sometimes how rare that kind of connection was. But now, thanks to Eustass’s sleep-talking, he remembered, and he could do his part to make sure this really was the best anniversary ever. Or at least a decent one. Being romantic tended to be a struggle for the doctor, but he was stubborn and persistent, and if those two things couldn’t be used to plan a special anniversary he didn’t know what could.

Slowly easing his arm out of Eustass’s grip, he rolled over and clicked on his bedside lamp before fishing out the notebook and pen he’d taken to keeping in the top drawer of his nightstand to record the midnight gibberish his boyfriend so frequently spouted. He flipped past several completely filled pages until he came to a blank one and began writing.

Things Eustass Likes

1.       Cars

2.       Playing Volleyball

3.       Watching Football

4.       Things to do with Cars

5.       Me

6.      

Law stared at number six for a solid five minutes, chewing on the already abused end of his pen, before laying back with a frustrated growl. “This is woefully unhelpful.”

“Yeah, well. Fuckin’ gimme a fuckin’ bastard burrito, shit-face burrito stealer. Fuck,” Eustass suggested helpfully.

After checking to make sure his boyfriend was in fact still talking in his sleep and not awake and crudely demanding a burrito, Law chuckled and jotted down the newest quote before returning his “Eustass” notebook and pen to their drawer. He’d never been able to come up with ideas like that when he sat down and tried to focus on them anyway. Something would probably come to him. He hoped.

+++

Nothing came to him. Nothing. He laid awake all night and not a single useful thought came to mind. The best thing his overtired brain had suggested was to get Eustass a bouquet of balloons that spelled his name, and that was simply absurd. Eustass hated balloons (and staunchly refused to tell Law why). Besides, it would be nearly impossible to keep them in the proper order to spell “EUSTASS,” and Law was not going to give his boyfriend a bouquet of balloons that spelled “SUATSES” or some other such nonsense. But now when he tried to think of something all Law could picture was a bouquet of fucking balloons and he was at his wit’s end.

He’d kicked Eustass out earlier with a kiss and a demand that the redhead come back after work and then he’d paced around his apartment trying to think of something, anything, that could be romantic but not generic and stupid and for the love of God not balloons. But now it was nearly three in the afternoon and he had resigned himself to the fact that he was not going to be able to make this a special anniversary like this. Perhaps a change of venue. He’d successfully purchased things for people before. Maybe if he went to the store he would be inspired.

When he stepped out of his apartment building the air smelled like winter despite the fact that it wasn’t even Halloween, and Law smiled as he stuffed his hands into his pockets. He loved the cold. He watched his breath puff in front of his face like a cloud of smoke as he started his car and plugged the audio cable already connected to the jack on his dash into his phone. He briefly wondered if that would be a good gift for Eustass; an audio cable for his car. Eustass had said on a few occasions that he hated driving in silence, but he hated the radio too. But then Law remembered that the mechanic not only didn’t have an audio jack in his car, but he also didn’t have a phone that could store or play music because the man was living in the stone age. He’d get Eustass a phone if he thought he’d accept it, but it was more likely that he’d just throw it at the doctor and then they’d get in a fight and spoil the mood. So that was out.

Resisting the urge to bash his forehead repeatedly against the steering wheel, Law focused on driving and made his way to the first store he could think of that probably sold cards. Maybe once he found the perfect card the rest would fall into place. Yeah. That would work. He could do this.

When he was still standing in front of the greeting card display about an hour later, Law was forced to admit that finding the perfect card was perhaps more difficult than he had originally imagined, and that perhaps he could not do this.

“Need help finding anything?” Law unintentionally gave the slightly bored looking salesgirl a dark look, startling her. “Uh, sorry, I’ll just … uh, leave you to it then …” she muttered.

“No, wait!” he said, ignoring the desperate pitch of his voice as he reached for her before she could fully retreat. “I’m sorry. I may … possibly … need some assistance, yes.”

Part of him wanted to roll his eyes at himself. If he couldn’t find an anniversary card for his own boyfriend how was some underpaid teenage girl going to help him? But at this point his vision was starting to go a little blurry around the edges from exhaustion and frustration, and he just needed a card, damnit.

“O-kay,” she said slowly, returning to his side and looking him over with a small amount of concern showing in her brown eyes. “What are you looking for?”

“A card. Uh, an anniversary card.”

“Oh. Okay, well, you know you’re in front of the Halloween cards, right? That’s why they’re all so … orange?”

Law sighed and ran a hand roughly through his hair. “I know, I just thought I should … explore all my options.”

“Ah,” she replied, kindly acting like his reasoning made any kind of sense. “Well, I think we might have better luck over by the anniversary cards, if you don’t mind?”

“Yes, uh, perhaps you’re right,” he muttered, following her past the sea of ghosts and jack-o-lanterns to a selection of cards that were mostly white or pastel colored.

“So tell me a little about your significant other. What do they like?”

“Well, uh … cars? And volleyball, and uh … action movies and other things like that, I suppose.”

“Okay, so I’m guessing something cutesy is out. How about this one? This one has been popular lately.”

Law took the plain card with simple lettering she offered and read the front before shaking his head and handing it back. “That would just be insulting. I don’t like pizza at all.”

“What kind of person doesn’t like pizza?” the girl asked incredulously.

The dark look from before returned. “Pizza has bread. I hate bread.”

Law was used to people’s disbelieving reaction to this admission, so it threw him off for a moment when instead of looking dumbstruck the girl’s surprised expression also held a flicker of recognition, like she was putting together pieces of a puzzle.

“You don’t like bread?”

“No, I don’t like bread. Are we going to discuss my eating habits or are we going to find a damn card? What about that one? That has a car on it,” he snapped.

The girl ignored his outburst and rolled her eyes when she saw what Law was pointing at. “That’s cutesy.”

“How is it cutesy?”

“An elephant is driving, for one thing,” she said with a note of finality that let Law know he would not be leaving the store with that card. “How about this one?” She held up another plain card that said Turns Out I Like You a Lot More Than I Originally Planned. Law chuckled and couldn’t help but agree. That was pretty accurate to their relationship, and he and Eustass had joked about it on more than one occasion. That could actually work.

“Yes, I like it,” he said, still smiling a little as he took the card from the girl. “Thank you, uh …”

“Nami,” she supplied helpfully, offering her hand. “I hope you and your boyfriend have a great anniversary.”

Law nodded and they parted ways. His original plan had been to browse around the store, but he’d spent too much time looking at cards and now he had to hurry home if he wanted to beat Eustass there, so he just went straight to the checkout. He could come back before work tomorrow or Saturday.

He was in such a rush to get out of there that he was halfway to his car before it occurred to him to wonder how the girl who helped him had known his partner was a man. He furrowed his brows, trying to think if he’d mentioned it, but he was sure he hadn’t. He tossed the bag holding his card into the passenger seat and let the car warm up a moment as he mused.  It was odd. She must have just been guessing. His eyes slid to the card, just poking out of the brown paper bag, and he decided it didn’t matter. She’d helped him overcome at least one anniversary hurdle. Now all that was left was a gift, and probably some kind of gesture or event or something that would be romantic and unique and Law could handle that. Probably.  

[liamcarrollwritesthings-blog]

REVIEW: Fifty Shades Darker (Unpublished)

And here is a review I wrote for TWCC about Fifty Shades Darker that was never published...

Fifty Shades Dumber. Fifty Shades Duller. Fifty Shades More Improbable. Fifty Shades More Unintentionally Hilarious. Fifty Shades Less Onscreen Chemistry. These are all much more fitting titles for the mind-numbing farce that is Fifty Shades Darker, the second cinematic installment of the even more mind-numbing literary farce that taught soccer moms what Ben-Wah balls are. The continuing saga of the BDSM-infused romance between “one of Seattle’s youngest billionaires” Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) and the mousy object of his kinky affection, Anastasia “Ana” Steele (Dakota Johnson) is a deplorable piece of misguided wish-fulfillment for any women out there delusional enough to believe that a terrible man will change his ways. Make no mistake: Fifty Shades Darker is all about romanticizing an abusive relationship, a crime these filmmakers deserve a good flogging for, and not in a sexy, fun way.

For all of the problems with the first film, Fifty Shades of Grey, at least it had the feminine wiles that this film severely lacks. Director Sam Taylor-Johnson and screenwriter Kelly Marcel wisely exorcised most of the hack author E.L. James’s laughable dialogue and gave Ana some much-needed spunk and a bit of comedic incredulity towards Christian’s bondage-fueled needs. There’s none of that spark to be found in Fifty Shades Darker, now that schlockmeister James Foley (the excruciatingly bad Halle Berry vehicle Perfect Stranger) is behind the lens, and even worse, the new screenwriter, Niall Leonard, is much more beholden to James’s total lack of writing ability, probably because he’s married to her. Therefore we get a film where romance is creepy, sex is boring, and humor makes you wonder if you’ll ever be able to laugh again.

The threadbare plot is as follows: Christian decides he made a huge mistake letting Ana go, and he wants her back. Ana tells him that she cannot be just a submissive, kept woman to him, which he agrees to. From there, nearly every scene plays out in the following pattern: 1.) Christian does something highly controlling and creepy. 2.) Ana rightfully calls him out on it. 3.) Christian spouts off some empty platitudes about how he is a changed man, despite all evidence to the contrary. 4.) Ana gets incredibly horny and they have sex that is soundtracked by The Weeknd or someone who sounds like The Weeknd. Would you stay with a man who has you followed by a private investigator, steals your bank account info, or forbids you to go on a business trip out of pure jealousy, as Christian does? Ana not only stays, but rewards his controlling behavior at every turn. What a great message to send to women, right?

Meanwhile, Ana is being stalked by one of Christian’s former submissives, Leila (Bella Heathcote), and has a boss, publishing guru Jack Hyde (Eric Johnson) whose ravenous intentions toward her are telegraphed from a thousand miles away. Then there’s also the matter of Elena Lincoln (Kim Basinger), the mysterious older woman who first introduced Christian to the BDSM lifestyle when he was a teenager, and clearly wants Ana out of the picture. Miss Johnson, a consummate actress, tries her hardest to make all of this nonsense seem believable, but let’s just hope she gets a part that fits her talents, especially her comedic instincts, sometime soon. Dornan, meanwhile, is hopeless. His utter lack of chemistry with Miss Johnson is shocking. He delivers every line like a kid being forced to apologize to his neighbor for hitting a baseball through their window. His eyes are where charisma goes to die. He has sex with his pants still on.

Admittedly, the film gets a little fun towards the end, when it flies off the rails into full-on soap opera territory, complete with drinks thrown in faces, a high society slap fight, and a helicopter crash subplot that is neatly resolved in a matter of minutes. Still, these highly appreciated slices of cheesy schlock are definitely not worth the seemingly endless barrage of abusive behavior gussied up as the romantic overtures of a tortured soul that proceeds it. You may be getting promised an enticing, naughty mix of pain and pleasure, but it’s all a sham. Fifty Shades Darker is all pain, no pleasure. You owe it to yourself to withhold consent.