#the tone of this post is much more depressed than I mean it to sound jjj

[mishmesh]

I hope it’ll be divinely revealed to me what I should change my name to every time I drink and every time I’m disappointed. @gd give me a clue here

[princelylove]

Divinity.

Synopsis: Post-canon vento aureo, you are Giorno Giovanna’s bodyguard, and his obsession. 

Warnings: typical possessive yandere behavior, reader is trapped later on, not sfw later on but it’s just masturbation, I’m a Giorno pussy truther it’s not explicitly stated but I want you to know

Length: A little over 2k.

Giorno Giovanna is something out of a dream. It’s difficult to not stare. His presence itself is enchanting, although often overwhelming.

He’s often misunderstood. Misrepresented. He’s a complex individual, it’s unfair to put his psychology in the same category as someone more simple-minded.

You can’t think of why his presence overwhelms you. His perfume is subtle, he’s well mannered, well spoken, well educated and cultured, well groomed, and relatively charming. There’s just something off about him, in your point of view. 

Giorno is naturally graceful, he’s only become more pleasing to the eyes as he’s gotten older. The way he holds his fingers up for birds to rest on him is something out of a fairytale.

You took this job because of the pay. Never mind the fact that your client is handsome, and generally pleasant to be around. His other bodyguards aren’t so bad either- Guido’s a nice man, when he’s not working. Sheila E seems fine to be around as well, but you haven’t really interacted with her much. They’ve both warned you about how Giorno is to be your absolute top priority- you’re not a mafioso, you’re just a bodyguard. It must be nice to have someone’s absolute loyalty like that, you think.

The way Giorno asks to be taken home to his room… It almost makes you believe that he really does need you. He seems soft compared to the others- like he isn’t hardened by the burden of life, or whatever that ‘Murolo’ guy was on about. 

Giorno’s voice is comforting and refreshing. His tone is quiet, and soft. You’re only really certain he’s speaking when he makes harder sounds, such as ‘t’ or ‘k.’ The way he looks at you with his doe eyes, and soft tone… it eats you alive to not succumb to his will. 

This misinterpretation would cost you your life, as Giorno falls head over heels at such a romantic, protective gesture of guiding him up his own staircase and reassuring him that all is well, you’re right there. 

He smiles. You can’t help but watch his lips as he speaks in that same soft spoken manner.

“Thank you, but you’re dismissed for the night.”

Giorno’s obsession drives him. He is nothing without hope, there is always a way for him to achieve his goals. He doesn’t really understand why he keeps getting off track- his only love is justice, and hope, it doesn’t make any sense for his mind to cling to a human being. 

Humans are vile things, really.  His stepfather was evil, his mother was evil, his peers were evil- there was no good in humanity besides from him.

There are humans who are good, there’s just a lot of problems that need fixing before he feels comfortable saying that all of humanity hasn’t failed him. 

Giorno is often well intentioned; It kills him to see people go through what he did. If he had the ability to protect others from the fate he once had, why not? He just knows he can do better. There is always more to be done, always more to improve upon. Self betterment is the path to freeing the soul. 

That has nothing to do with his methods, or his real opinion on the majority of people.

Giorno’s dream is to protect the innocent, above all else. 

His misanthropic point of view still seeps into the way he handles most situations. Passione hasn’t had a single slip up in many, many years. Having faith in your own men, and having faith that everyone other than your possessions will do what they can to get up in the world is a bit depressing, but it’s been working. 

As long as his possessions adore him, they won’t leave for something better. Not that you could leave Passione, betrayal means death, but Giorno will do everything in his power to not feel the sting of being left alone.

Giorno is most comfortable when he knows he has everyone in the room wrapped around his well manicured pinky finger. He doesn’t particularly mind playing into their fantasies, or allowing them a sense of control. You can think that you’re the boss in your relationship with Giorrno, but that’s never going to be true, even if you’re physically stronger than him. 

You probably think you are, too. Bodyguards are meant to be strong, it’s a part of the job description- why would someone strong hire three bodyguards? Giorno’s lack of height and subtle muscle make him look like he isn’t a threat, you might compare his body to a ballerina. A weapon would work against him, maybe… if it didn’t turn into a small animal every time you picked one up without asking for permission first. 

Giorno will often play damsel in distress to get what he wants. Even if it isn’t his preference, he’s fine with taking on whatever role he needs to take in order to maintain control. 

He keeps Guido happy by pretending to be considerably more delicate than he really is. He’s easily frightened, and happy to play into Guido’s need to be needed. He showers him with praise fairly often- and will do the same to you, if you react well enough. 

Giorno keeps Sheila E happy by allowing her to ask him as many questions as she’d like. She’s still young- a little bit of curiosity won’t kill him. Why, when he was her age, he was probably more curious. No harm done, it’s nice to stimulate himself with questions he normally wouldn’t think of. 

Those two are easy to please. He… doesn’t know how to keep you happy, yet. The last thing he needs is a resentful bodyguard. Attention, money, affection, and basic human needs are all bartering chips to Giorno. 

He doesn’t want to kiss you on the cheek, it makes him feel easy, but if you want special attention, and that’s the way to get you obsessed with him, fine. Run your hand over his stomach and watch him purr. He’ll fool around with you for a little bit, but he stops you before it can go any further. You’re his bodyguard, this is so inappropriate… If you think you can move on from this and go back to just watching him, let’s just pretend this never happened.

When you come in the next day, he trails his index finger down your spine, and smiles at the way you shiver for him.

Success. 

He seems like the prissy type, you think. Like he’d die if he got dirty or his hair was out of place. You’re just joking, it’s a way to pass the time while you’re at work… you can’t help but smile at the lack of dirt under his fingers despite handling plants all day. 

Giorno smiles back, eager to know what could possibly be making your lips curl up into a smile. 

“Do you like her? She’s gotten so big, lately. I think it’s all the attention I’ve been giving her.” 

Giorno is referring to the philodendron in his arms- a rather large pot with a clingy pile of vines sitting in the dirt. It’s his favorite at the moment, seeing it sprawled out always seems to put him in a good mood. 

“She’s great, sir.” You respond. You’re not really meant to talk to him too much- a bit of advice from Guido rings in your ears whenever Giorno attempts conversation with you.

‘When you’re watching him, you should watch the room, rather than him… it’s kinda easy to get lost in staring. Dude’s pretty.’ 

… You kind of see his point. 

Giorno has all the power in the world. He is life itself. He forbids evil from reaching the truth. But he’s soft, isn’t he. He needs someone to watch over him, to protect him. 

Maybe you’re content with a job like this. It’s not like he’s an awful boss. 

Giorno has always felt like a bird in a cage, placed next to a big window. Just out of reach of his fantasies. He won’t allow anything to be out of his reach, now that he’s free. 

Giorno won’t take what is not his. You have a choice, even if it’s clear what you should be picking. 

His hand rests on top of yours. You’re holding his fingers, and just placed a kiss to his porcelain skin. It’s meant to be symbolic- becoming a formal member of passione and a long-term bodyguard instead of part time is a fairly big deal. 

The words ‘freedom’ and ‘fate’ ring in Giorno’s ears. They aren’t foreign subjects to him. Fate has always been his, and freedom is something he’s always wanted. 

“You’ve become mine, my beloved.” He coos. You might feel your face heating up at such a statement. 

He plans on keeping you now that you’re officially one of his possessions. Your owner is not the one who rests in your bed, but the one who disrupts your sleeping schedule. 

Giorno isn’t sure what to do with himself when he finds himself wanting to be yours instead of the other way around. 

He’d let you take him. He fantasizes about it often- sometimes while you’re on the other side of his door, unaware that he’s touching himself to the thought of you being even slightly possessive towards him. 

You’re already his. He owns you, body and soul, there’s no question about it, but he wants you to want him, and not just in the physically attractive sense. Well. Right now he means in the physically attractive sense. 

What does it matter, though? Of course you’re his, you’re a living being. As far as Giorno’s concerned, life is his, and he is life’s. 

Oh, God, shut up. He can’t think about the technicalities, he’s too busy shoving his fingers into himself and trying to imagine what sort of tone you’d take with him- Would it be loving? Would you be firm? Would you scold him for looking at another? He needs it, he can’t live without it, devote yourself to him and expect a level of access to him in return, he’d happily slut himself out if it was for you and you alone-

You knocking takes him out of the mood entirely. His hands shoot out of his pants, and he backs himself up against the door to make sure you don’t come in.

“Yes, dearest?” He’s trembling. 

“Just making sure you’re alright, I haven’t heard you make any noise in a while…” 

“Oh! I’m fine, I was just… reading, and now I’m getting changed…”

Giorno has a habit of talking when he’s nervous, on those rare occasions, so him choking up like this is entirely unprecedented.

He makes a mental vow to never let you witness him like that again. 

You’re not really sure how you ended up moving with him into his new house.

It’s not like you’re the best person for the job. A live-in bodyguard is a lot more than what you originally signed up for, and when you voice this complaint, Giorno doesn’t seem to take it into account. 

He sighs a little, and makes a gentle reminder: You do as he says, and this is what he is commanding you to do. 

It’s not so bad living in a big house where all you ever do is make sure Giorno doesn’t drop dead. You’ve adjusted well to it, but it’s had it’s ups and downs. 

He’s gotten a lot more attentive, something you have mixed feelings on. 

Should you choose to hide from his ever-present stare, Giorno would pretend to not be able to find you, but speak.

“It’s instinct to fear what you do not understand. Your body serves you very well, darling.”

He opens the closet, where you obviously are not. 

“But I mean you no harm. You are very precious to me.”

The door shuts, and he flicks the lamp off- the only non-natural light in the room. The moon is full, and the curtains are always pulled back- Giorno loves the sun.

His eyes have already adjusted, but he’s sure yours have not.

“Let’s stop playing for tonight, dear. I’ll let you keep that hiding spot provided you return to me in ten seconds. I’ll even close my eyes.”

He starts to count out loud.

“Ten, nine…”

Oh God. What should you do? He’s pissed- you know it.

“Eight, seven, six.”

It’s better to obey. Just give in. You’re not risking his stand pulling you out by your hair again.

“Five, four…”

As you start to crawl out, you wince at the light coming back on.

There’s nothing on his face, not even a smile. The way he looks down at you as if it’s his rightful position is something you’ve become accustomed to, but it still hurts.

[possessionisamyth]

Let's talk about Jill! I love her. You love her. She has ProblemsTM, and no one talks about her enough.

Jill is the most skilled S.T.A.R.S member, and the most adept at dealing with bioweapons post RE3. Sure, Chris got his ass beat by Wesker and killed Alexia in Code Veronica(a kill Claire should've gotten), but they still don't compare to all the various fucked up forms of Nemesis who Jill had to kill again, and again, and again mostly by herself.

From that point on it's Chris and Jill working together if you want to count the manga segments, but let's touch on her character beats. Like her insomnia. Or her untreated PTSD. Or her depression. Actually, I'm going to tackle the most fun thing about Jill when it comes to handling her various brain problems and that's how she deals with them.

She gets really mad.

Why is this fun? Why is this different? Why is this valuable? Well, the simple answer is a lot of women characters aren't allowed to show ugly, visceral anger when they're given mental illnesses. If they do, it's to the villainize them. The same way goes for men not being allowed to cry more than a single tear down the cheek when they're depicted as sad. If they do more than this, they're considered weak and feminine which is also a way to villainize anything deemed feminine, but we are staying on topic.

Jill gets pissed off when she's challenged, and it's great and refreshing because tools in the narrative justify her anger. She slaps Carlos in the face when he implies they should kill themselves instead of getting eaten by zombies or blown up by the bomb because how dare he suggest giving up after all the effort they put into surviving? It's on sight whenever she so much as sees Nicholai in the novelization. She's snippy, and annoyed, and cussing in RE3 Remake and none of it is framed as cutesy. She's fucking tired, and she's mad about all this shit blowing up in her face all the fucking time! That's why people were calling her mean in the remake, and it's like! Good! I'm glad she's angry and "mean" in one of the worst times of her life!

It's a little sad to see some of that frustration drop in Revelations I, but god Wesker capitalized on her blinding rage when he put her under mind control. Still an extremely stupid arc to give her. Will never forgive them for it. But my girl was so fucking mad, and you know what they didn't do when Chris saved her? She wasn't crying or sobbing or weeping. The anger was still there, but as much as the mind was willing, the body was too weak to employ it. She pushed Chris away to yell at him to save the world. If she was just a modicum stronger it might've been a harder shove or a slap, but that's all she could do.

And we get a mere snippet of this anger in Death Island when she's in the shooting range talking to Chris. The truth is she's not handling being back on the field well at all, but she built her entire life up to S.T.A.R.S and past that proving that she's not weak to other people. It's too hard of a habit to break because it's a defense mechanism. To Jill, being viewed as weak even for a moment will lead to being taken advantage of, and she never wants to be taken advantage of. She needs to have control over her life and herself, doubly so after surviving Wesker. So she's going to keep that control even if it means accidentally biting the hands that reach out to her to help. This kind of depiction is usually only given to men, and Jill gets it. She gets it! And she's not evil for it! And it's so so so soo good when it's employed well! (Unfortunately this is also why in newer iterations they keep trying to tone this down by making her appear sexier, because she's too intimidating otherwise. Yes, it's just as bullshit as it sounds!)

Unlike Claire, Rebecca, and even Ada who can't show more than two emotions, Jill can shoot and kill and stab and tear and destroy with all the anger she wants, and she can still get a nice date if she wanted before the rest of the RE cast! This anger is allowed to be hers without it being framed as masculine with that "one of the boys/i have three brothers" nonsense and without vilifying her womanhood for daring to express her anger as ugly as anger can be! And that's why she's great, and I love her, and someone for the love of god please get her into some decent hands for whatever she's in next.

[peskellence]

Pairing: RK900/Gavin Reed

Tags: Post Pacifist Ending, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Eventual Smut, Angst, Hurt/Comfort

Masterlist

Read on AO3 here:

Summary: A lot has changed since the revolution. Crimes against androids are now punished in the same way as crimes against humans. A reluctant Gavin Reed and his new partner RK900 have been assigned to investigate a string of disturbing murders. Despite the shift in Detroit's social climate, Gavin still holds reservations about whether or not androids are truly alive. Will his developing feelings for 'Nines' be the thing to change this?

Warnings: Graphic Violence, Depression/Self Destructive Behaviour, Eventual Smut

Word Count: 3.6K

Pacing around his kitchen, Gavin waited for his coffee to brew, feeling much less rested than he would have hoped. The events of the night before had left his mind hopelessly preoccupied, swimming with questions that pleaded for answers. Nervous fingers twitched on his phone as he held it to his ear. The dial tone rang on a loop until a person eventually answered. Their voice was low and groggy from the early morning intrusion:

 "Hello...?"

"Tina, I'm having a crisis."

There was silence on the other end of the line, save for the sounds of gentle breathing. This was followed by the rustle of bedsheets and a long, dejected sigh. "It's 8:35 on my day off. You better be dying." 

He combed his fingers fractiously through his hair as he grappled with the best place to start. In his struggle, a stray thought tumbled gracelessly from his lips, "Nines has fucking freckles. Have you ever noticed that?" 

There was a dull thud, presumably Tina's head, as it slammed back down on the pillow. "This is getting sad. I can smell your sexual frustration down the phone." 

"I need your help."

"Alas, my sweet, I cannot. For we are both flaming homosexuals." 

"Not like that. I need advice."

There was a short yawn as his friend roused herself from any lingering remnants of slumber. "Okay, fine. As you've so rudely interrupted my lie-in, you may as well enlighten me. What's happened that's got you freaking out?" 

"You remember me saying that it wanted to help? With the whole Tiffany thing?"

"Uh-huh." 

"And you said I should reconsider the offer?" 

"I recall imparting that nugget of wisdom." 

There was a hissing sound from the counter as his coffee came to a boil. Steam billowed from the spout of the pot, and Gavin wasted no time in letting it cool. He slid his mug into position and poured himself a drink. "Well, I did - reconsider, I mean. I was tired and desperate. Willing to try anything. So I let it stay the night." 

"Wait," Tina's tone had shifted, buzzing with an edge of excitement. "Hold that thought. I'm getting a snack." 

He waited apprehensively as the woman shuffled her way out of bed. There was the sound of a door closing, and the plodding of steps on a hardwood floor. Following this was the beep of a fridge and the rustling of food packets before she returned the phone to her ear. "All good. Please continue." 

"It was awkward as Hell", Gavin exhaled, tapping his fingers on the sides of his mug. "I needed something to break the tension, so I started drinking."

"Shocker." 

"I suggested we put on a movie. Which we did, and it was fine. Then it ordered me dinner, which was weird, but whatever. It does weird shit all the time." He blew on the rim of his mug before taking a tentative sip. "We were talking. Just random shit, and then it got…intense." 

"In what way intense?" her voice was loud - as if she were leaning apprehensively into her receiver.

"We started talking about my dad."

It was clearly not the answer Tina had expected, nor one she knew how to approach. Gavin's father was a sensitive topic, of which she had always been deeply respectful. There was a long, weighty pause as she patiently waited for him to continue. 

"I don't know why I did it. I guess it was the booze talking, but the damn thing was so…" His eyes scrunched closed as he struggled to find a word to describe the behaviour. "... decent about it", he eventually settled. "It mostly just listened, but in a comforting way. I think it even tried to hold my hand." 

There was a low whistle of appreciation, "Smooth." 

"It was kind of nice. Having someone there to help me work through it." Gavin was struggling to keep his composure, inhaling slowly as he tried to focus on the earthy aroma of his coffee. "Then something felt different."

"What do you mean?" she pressed on keenly. There was a loud crunching sound as she bit into something hard. "Good different, or bad different?

"I don't fucking know", he groaned, holding his face in his hands. "Just different. The way it was staring, it was like it wanted to say something, but it didn't know how." 

"Then what did you do?" 

"Locked myself in the bathroom for ten minutes, then went to bed." 

"...Are you serious?" she questioned, sounding both disappointed and deeply agitated, "An intense, longing stare in the dark, and you ran away?" 

"What else was I supposed to do?" he snapped defensively. "It's an android, Ti. I don't know what its end game was, but it definitely wasn't that ." 

"Impressive. Handled with all the emotional intelligence of a teenage girl." 

"Look, you were right", he relented, throwing up his hands in defeat. "I'm repressed as fuck. I need to do something about it if I'm desperate enough to even consider -" 

"Have you considered facing the facts? Because all of this 'he's an android' shit is getting old now." There was another crunch intermingled with a loud, long-suffering sigh. "This is getting sad. Like, really sad." 

"What is?"

"How you continue to be such a dick to this guy when you clearly like him." 

Gavin felt a rising heat prickle his skin. He had hoped to deliver some poignant retort to the ridiculous assertion, but the words woefully escaped him. "I don't", he said weakly. 

"You're not one for putting up with things you don't like. You wouldn't have him around so much if you didn't enjoy his company." 

"I haven't spent a minute longer with it than I needed to. Unless it was someone else's bright-fucking idea." 

"Bitch and moan all you like, but you still went along with those bright-fucking ideas."  

"Eat shit."

She scoffed at the predictable obscenity of her friend's response. "Do you want my advice or not?" 

He solemnly weighed up his options, clutching his head in desperation. Swallowing his pride, he slumped over in defeat. "Yes. Please. I'm out of my depth here." 

"Okay, so my advice would be one of two options:

Option 1 - You get yourself back on USwipe and find some random guy to hook up with. 

Option 2 - You jump Nines' bones like you've been gagging to do since Day One."

Putting Tina on speaker, Gavin scrolled through his list of apps, noting how he still had the latest version of USwipe installed. He reasoned it could be worth a shot. If only to see if there had been any improvements to the current dating pool. Reopening his account, he cringed reflexively at the tediously generic photos and bio. 

"So, what's it going to be?"

Deleting a particularly egregious passage about his ‘passion' for fitness and clean living, he mumbled a half-hearted reply, "Option 1, obviously - because Option 2 is a shitty idea." 

"Oh, come on ", she groaned loudly, vexed by his dismissive attitude. "Think about it. You're both uptight assholes, and you're obviously attracted to each other. A workplace fling might serve as the stress relief you both clearly need."

"Oh yeah, because nothing screams ‘stress-free workplace' like screwing your coworkers", he spat sarcastically, "You're deluded, you know that?"

"Look, things are already awkward between you, so what's the worst that could happen? You're not going to be partnered for much longer anyway." 

"I'm not going to be on the force for much longer if I don't start making progress on this case." Gavin set down his phone, lamenting the uncertainty of his current job security. 

Their killer had gone quiet, giving them little to work with in terms of new material. The material they did have seemed to do nothing but send them around in loops. As morbid as it was, it was tempting to wish that something else might happen.

A notification popped up on his phone. It was a message from Nines. He opened it resignedly, despairing at what the contents might be. "Doesn't help that Fowler and the fucking press seem to think we've been sitting around with our fingers up our asses…." 

"It's obvious how hard you guys have been working," Tina said encouragingly. "Something will come up soon, don't give up."

He had barely registered that the other officer was still speaking - as the realisation of what he was looking at swiftly hit him. His prior wishes came back to haunt him with a ruthless surge of guilt. 

The killer had been quiet for long. 

Too long.  

"Guess you were right", he said gravely. "Another android has been found. They need me there ASAP." 

Pulling up to the scene, the first thing he saw was Nines, standing at a nearby street corner and waiting patiently. Before exiting the car, he sternly reminded himself to keep interactions as work-focused as possible. He couldn't permit any distractions. Thankfully, Nines appeared equally keen to maintain this professionalism, politely nodding its head and leading him toward the crime scene.  

"First Church of rA9…" Gavin mused aloud, quietly observing their surroundings. "Pretty open location. Our guy is usually more discreet."

"The victim was found in the parking lot," Nines clarified, remaining focused on the path ahead. "So somewhat more secluded than the church grounds. It is possible he worked overnight to avoid detection." 

"Or maybe he's getting sloppy." 

"We can only hope", his partner replied, though its crestfallen tone failed to portray the same kind of optimism. "Let's see what forensics have to say." 

The longer they proceeded down the path, the more Gavin began to pick up on a low, consistent rumble of noise. As they rounded the corner to the church, it became evident that it was voices. Loud and aggressive, each vying for attention. Police barricades had been set up around the perimeter of the building, with scattered riot officers stationed haphazardly for additional defence. 

"What the hell…" Gavin mumbled under his breath. He firmly pushed through the chattering crowd, to which he received more than a couple of disgruntled glares. However, this was nothing compared to the reception that Nines was receiving. As soon as the android came into view, a sea of eyes trained on its movements. Scornful - filled with simmering hatred. 

One of the riot guards moved towards them, his colleague attending to the crowd as he silently opened the barricade. To the wayside of the parking lot, Gavin saw an android sitting on the trunk of a dispatch car. Two officers were seated on either side, sheltering it from the worst of the discourse. As one caught glimpse of the partners, he solemnly beckoned them over. 

"Detective Reed. RK900", he said before his attention flitted back to the quivering android. "This is Jules. He was first to discover the body." 

The android said nothing, staring forward with a haunted look. Its eyelids blinked rapidly, and its LED flickered an unstable red. Gavin had seen this behaviour before, and it rarely spelt good news. A complete system meltdown was imminent, to which Nines quickly intervened. 

"Show me what happened here." Its tone was calm as it held out a palm to the other android. "It is okay, you do not need to speak." 

Jules, who had appeared blind to its surroundings moments prior, roused at the invitation. Its startled brown eyes darted up, and after some time, its clenched hand began to twitch. Cautiously, the fingers unfurled, and it mirrored Nines' gesture, holding its palm in front of its face. The androids connected, and their bodies became lifeless, staring at each other vacantly. It was only when Nines pulled back that signs of life returned. 

"What did you see?" Gavin asked, anticipating the answer with trepidation.  

"The victim's name was Harvey", Nines said, staring at his hand as the skin crept back, "He was an AP700 and lead pastor of the church. He was last seen yesterday evening, and his car was found in the parking lot early this morning. However, upon entering the building, Jules realised he was nowhere to be seen. So he came back outside to investigate the car -" 

"I think I can see where this is going." 

It nodded in glum confirmation, lips pulled unnaturally tight. "The body was found in a particularly unpleasant state of disrepair."

"You can say that again." 

The two turned toward the voice and were met with a familiar forensics officer. He approached slowly, hands shoved deeply into his pockets, and his wrinkled brow furrowed in dismay. "Reed, we must stop meeting this way." 

"Sanders," Gavin said back, trepidation only growing at the crestfallen look on the older man's face. "What the Hell happened here?"

"Synthetic Reaper. That's what."

The detective squinted in confusion - as if being spoken to in a language he couldn't understand. Nines, picking up on this, stepped in to clarify. 

"It is the name that the media has begun to use to identify our killer." The statement itself would have been neutral had it not been for the notable irritation with which it said it: "The brutality of the crimes has proven a compelling hook for news pieces. There are talks of a documentary being produced." 

"Well, they're gonna love this", Sanders drawled, equally unenthused. "‘Cus he was really looking to impress this time." 

As they approached the car, Gavin could make out the faint outline of a figure sitting in the driver's seat. It seemed reasonably unsuspecting at first - as if the vehicle could pull away at any moment. However, the closer they got, the more telling the signs of foul play became. 

The left passenger door handle was bent out of shape, pried open with force. Looped around the back of the driver's seat were the ends of a thick metal cord. Gavin searched for traces of Thirium but found nothing immediately obvious. While it could have been a ‘tidy' killing, he reasoned the more likely scenario was that a good length of time had passed since the original attack and the body's discovery. This assessment proved accurate as he moved to inspect the front of the car - and the grotesque carnage that awaited him. 

The android's hands were tied and bound, enclosing in a praying gesture. The cord held its neck in place, albeit there was little left to support. It had been almost entirely decapitated, with the mangled hinge of a bottom jaw clinging listlessly to what used to be its head. 

"Said it was a good' un", Sanders joked, but with no real humour in his tone. He reached into the inside pocket of his coat, pulling out a small plastic bag. "We found this in his hands. You might want to take a look." 

Upon receiving the bag, Gavin found it contained a small leather-bound book. He was unable to make out the text embossed into its front, as it had been defaced with a series of large, jagged letters: 

WHERE IS YOUR RA9 NOW? 

"Let me see", Nines requested, motioning for the book. The detective obliged the request, promptly removing the book from its plastic lining. His partner began to turn through the pages, reading out a string of digits as it did: 

"84 72 79 83 69 32 87 72 79 32 87 79 82 83 72 73 80 32 70 65 76 83 69 32 80 82 79 80 72 69 84 83 32 87 73 76 76 32 66 69 32 80 85 78 73 83 72 69 68 46 32." It droned out the numbers in flat uniformity until it reached the final page: 

"52 11 42 42 24 34 42." 

Gavin moved in closer, looking over the android's shoulder at the messy scrawl of handwritten numbers. "A code he's used before?"

"Potentially, it's just…" The android paused. Its lips moved involuntarily as if it were muttering under its breath, but no sound escaped them. "Something doesn't seem right." 

A sharp bang broke their focus as they both turned towards the source. A man was half-crouched by the police barricade, having slipped past the attending officers, and was quietly dusting himself off. He stood from the ground with a low groan before placing his hands on his waist, admiring his own feat of agility.

Gavin was far less impressed. He swiftly walked towards the man, hand positioned on his holster in an authoritative gesture. "Back behind the line, buddy. This is a crime scene." 

The man's focus trailed to where Gavin was gesturing before he erupted into a fit of laughter. "You going to shoot me for hopping a fence?" He leaned forward, trying to get a closer look at the pastor's car. "It's not like any real crimes have been committed. Save some property damage."

"Don't make me repeat myself." 

"Piece of shit got what was coming to it. Defective machine, spewing gibberish about android gods -" 

This only exacerbated the short-tempered man further, who continued to advance on the intruder. "Don't you have somewhere else to be? Like your next clan meeting? Last chance to back out before I kick your ass."

Nines, who had been standing to the sidelines until now, quickly moved in. "Detective, there is no need to escalate matters." 

Having finally caught sight of the android, the man wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Should have known you'd be working with one. When you're walking the road to damnation, it'll be their plastic parts that pave the way."  

It wasn't long until the heated exchange began to attract some unwanted attention. A straggling group of protestors, who had also broken away from the larger assembly, congregated at the barricade. Goading their companion on, as well as hurling insults at the two officers:

"Don't tell him what to do. You damn pig!"

"Android lover! Bet you love fucking machines, don't you?"

"We have a right to assemble, and we have a right to speak."

"Not if it's hate speech, you stupid asshole!" Gavin fired back, overcome by anger, baring his teeth like a wild animal. 

With de-escalation fast becoming impossible, Nines took matters into its own hands. Taking advantage of its imposing height and strength, it encroached on the intruding protester and firmly grabbed him by the collar. With little exertion, it lifted the man until he hovered off the ground. He flailed his legs in protest.

"What do you think you're doing, freak?" His face turned beet red as it showered Nines with speckles of spit. "You can't do this, it's fucking assault." 

"It is a criminal offence to obstruct a police officer from completing their official duties", Nines replied cooly, "My partner asked you to move several times, and you have refused. I have been left with no other choice but to remove you myself." 

As Nines approached the barrier, one of the more zealous onlookers pushed back against the constraints, inching it forward. Within seconds, the rest of the group joined the efforts, leaning into the hefty divide in an attempt to topple it. The bars heaved forcefully into the android, and while this did nothing to loosen its grip, it did succeed in knocking its balance. Taking advantage, a previously unseen group member pushed their way to the front of the crowd. They reached into one of their pockets, balling an unseen object into their fist:

"313 248 317 – 87."

Before the android could so much as react, the protester had propelled the object squarely into its face. Its skin peeled back, revealing the expanse of white exoskeleton beneath. Thirium started to drip down its temple, and it let go of the protestor, dropping them to the ground and placing its hands to its face. 

This was enough to tip Gavin over the edge. He grabbed the assailant from over the fence and pulled them forward harshly. The man tried to back away but was easily overpowered, letting out a pained wheeze at the sudden compression.

"Do you - want to - go to jail?" The words dripped out in venomous fragments as Gavin struggled to control his breathing, "Because that's where you're going - right fucking now - slimy piece of shit."

"I-I'm sorry", the man rasped, eyes blown in fear. "Let go, you're crushing me."

Realising the gravity of the situation and not wanting to get caught in the crossfire, the rest of the crowd began to clear - leaving their companion to fend for himself. Recovering from its stunned state, Nines also appeared alarmed by the sudden show of aggression. "There is no need, Detective."

"You think you're so tough, huh? Wait until their guard is down, then go for the dirty shot." 

"The damage is cosmetic. My internal operations have not been compromised." 

"Are you big enough to stand face-to-face and fight like a man?" 

"I-I've got your badge number", the assailant warned as he vainly tried to break Gavin's hold. "You can't threaten me like this." 

"I bet you won't feel so big when I break your nose."

"Gavin, stop it."

Having finally caught wind of what was taking place, a pair of riot officers stepped in to restrain the assailant, pulling him from Gavin's now-slackened grip. The red mist had cleared, and he was forced to confront just how badly he had fucked up. Unsure of how he could possibly deflect from the telling nature of his actions, he chose to remain silent. Avoiding eye contact with his partner, he swiftly retreated back to the church and in the direction of his car. 

So much for keeping things professional, dipshit.

[mdhwrites]

The Greatest Pain for Me Caused By My Disability

"That sounds like a ton of fun! I'd love to read that!"

I've discussed before that I don't take a long time to do my blogs. I don't do multiple drafts or think long and hard about a concept. The most common way an ask is answered is I open my inbox, look at it, and write it. If my blogs ever have a conversational tone to them, that's essentially why. I only rewrite sections if I think I got entirely off topic or if I think I missed my point entirely but most of the time, that isn't the case. I can do a 2k blog with five seconds of prep time.

Now remember I'm a writer. Then give me a writing prompt.

I have one person who has heard probably close to fifty different one off book ideas from me, said they sound great, and then had to watch as the fire in my eyes dies. After all, concept is easy. I can pitch that like I talk in my blogs. I've even shown that off sometimes. Hell, my Discord got to experience me pitch an entire multi-season show and its structure over the course of two hours because I pulled at one thread in my brain. But... I have anxiety, depression and, potentially most importantly, Avoidant Personality Disorder. Putting myself out there and putting real effort into things causes me to inherently panic because my brain is hardwired to not just expect failure but to be punched in the face for the mistake. It takes something I'm either extremely motivated in or extremely confident in to make me be able to really buckle down on it and go.

And, well... That's not something I can control. So I can get excited about an idea, share it, see it in my mind, see the words on the page... And have my ENTIRE being shut down when I consider opening my documents. It has been almost a week now since I was able to look at my Google Docs because thinking about working on my stories was enough to hitch my breathing and start a panic attack.

But I want to. I have explicitly said SO MANY TIMES that I adore working with my audience. I stream because I want to interact with chat. I like collaboration... But you can't collaborate if you are incapable of ever being reliable. If you can't promise that next week, you'll be able to actually do the damn thing you promised to do. So I hear a friend tell me they love the idea, something I do find joy in hearing... And then have to disappoint them.

It's exhausting, just as so much of my disability is and I'm sorry that it means I have to keep disappointing everyone.

======+++++======

For those curious about my hot takes btw and how that squares with this: I NEVER want to be famous for my analysis. I find posting my blogs almost certainly keys up my brain and makes me worry about response from those who already follow me, let alone if it breaks my bubble. I'm even adding this after the fact out of worry people will say I'm talking bullshit because of the fact that I'm willing to disagree with majority opinion. Hell, I think my brain is actually MORE okay with that sometimes because if I get punched in the face for a controversial opinion, that is the expected response than the potential of me gushing about something more positively blowing up in my face.

[angelinthefire]

for the fic writing ask: 1 2 3 7 19

deep fic writer asks

what's the fic youre most proud of?

Right now it's gotta be Ignite your bones. It's definitely the fic I was the most careful with, and spent the most time thinking about, and refining. And the thing I'm proud of about it is that I've gotten exactly the reaction out of readers that I set out to get. Dean-kills-Sam is a risky premise, as is, I feel, not having a trajectory that's focused on healing, but still winding up some place that's "happy". There are a lot of fics that are about recovery and healing, and I understand the appeal, but I just don't think Dean and Cas are capable of "fixing" each other. But I think that's a narrative that some readers have come to expect. To end with: Dean and Cas are in no way healthy, but they're able to be unhealthy in a less damaging way -- and then people like it -- that's really satisfying.

I do also want to mention Forget your perfect offering, because I'm proud of it for a reason that does not seem to have resonated with many readers. Which is the treatment of Heaven in a philosophical sense. Picking at its threads but not unraveling it. Respecting the fact that Heaven is the angels' home, but really getting into its inconsistencies at the same time. I put a lot of my worldview into it, and I'm really pleased with how it turned out.

2. what's a fic that took you to an emotional/dark/hard place?

Ignite your bones, easily. Especially the first half. There's an aspect of writing that's kind of comparable to method acting, putting yourself in the character's perspective and connecting it up with personal experience to understand how to communicate what they're going through. Going through that process with one depressing scene after another kind of sucked and was not fun. I write about Dean's depression quite a bit, like that's a big aspect of the character to me. But he was spinning his wheels so much in this fic, and he got so low. It was just not a good place to be in. If I was not looking forward to the ending so much, I could not have written it.

3. what fic are you emotionally attached to?

I answered this here, but I just thought of a better answer. Fire (which I posted on AO3 in 2013, but I first wrote and posted it on lj in 2006), an angsty Giles/Jenny from BtVS one-shot, is the first thing I ever wrote where I felt like I was really ~doing something~ with a motif, the first time I felt really ~writerly~. So that one's special to me.

7. how does receiving or not receiving feedback/support impact you?

It impacts me immensely. I have written more words of fic since Nov 5, 2022 than ever before in my life. And that's only partially due the inspiration of the source material. Up to that point, for the most part, I was mainly focused on BtVS fic, and mostly Giles/Jenny. Which is not the most popular ship. And there are some very lovely people in that fandom, and I did get wonderful feedback, that means a lot to me, and I feel bad for abandoning a Giles/Jenny WIP when destiel went canon, and I do intend to finish it at some point. But just the size of the destiel fandom means that I get so many more hits of dopamine from positive feedback, it does drive me to write more to keep that going. Basically, everything I do needs to win me the praise and approval of my peers or else I wither and die.

19. If you could write an ideal fic, what would it include?

For me, it would be something that hews as close to canon as reasonably possible (I do prefer canon divergent to 100% canon compliant), including having the same tone and structure as the show. It would be a casefic (something I have generally never been able to write). But the emotional story would be a continuous thread throughout. It would be about Dean and Cas getting together. But it would happen so natually that it could replace what actually happened on the show in my mind.

ETA: rereading this, it sounds like a boring answer, and maybe it is. Maybe I'm just incredibly basic. But the key thing is that it's able to make you feel like you just watched an episode. Rather than feel like you just read a good story.

Thanks for asking!

[songsforthepierce]

Album Showcase: Three Days Grace -Three Days Grace

I may not remember exactly how I found out about Three Days Grace but I believe it was through two friends I knew in 8th grade. Well, I would say that BUT as I typed this I just remembered it was because I watched a Naruto AMV that used one of their biggest most well known songs in it. After that I would continue to listen to the band for years. Though I mainly stuck to the first two albums. Not because I dislike the later stuff, it was mainly because I stopped paying attention to what else they were doing and was looking at other bands. But regardless, even though I have changed a lot as a person and expanded on my music taste I still have a huge soft spot for early Three Days Grace. It will be nice retreading old ground here.

Content warnings for light discussions of mental illness (mainly depression), discussion on toxic to abusive relationships, and mentions of alcoholism.

The album cover art is simple but gets it across the moody tone for the album. I like the whole sketchy look of it. The imagery of three figures standing away from a burning home does catch my eye. I always interpreted the figures to be a family and the burning home to represent their dysfunction.

Before we go further I do want to say that I tend to get easily amused if an album or song is named after a band. Such as here though I wish they had a song called Three Days Grace so then it would be Three Days Grace by Three Days Grace on the album Three Days Grace. A missed opportunity but oh well. Though speaking of their name I found out that originally the band was called Groundswell and around 1997 the name was changed into what it is now. From what Gointer said in an interview with Florida Entertainment Scene in 2004, “ No, we sort of look at Three Days Grace, as it sort of stands for sense of urgency. Time to pay a debt. if you had three days to change something in your life or if wanted to changed something in your life could you do it in three days. That sort of urgency, I guess.”

That is a pretty heavy meaning for the name and the more I think about the more I get it with what I know about the original lead singer. Anyway, this album was released on July 22nd, 2003 and the genre it leans more towards are alternative metal, nu-metal, and post-grunge. I think this was one of my earliest exposure to nu-metal in general before I would listen to bands such as Disturbed, Linkin Park, Dope, etc. It is hard for me to fully define what exactly alternative metal is without just saying “If you know what alternative rock, then you can put together what this genre would entail” since a variety of bands have been labeled as such from System of a Down, 3Teeth, Bullet for my Valentine, Alter Bridge, etc which all have a distinct sound from one another. Though the term isn’t used much anymore. Post-Grunge I don’t know much about unfortunately but I guess better late than never to look more into it. I am genuinely looking forward to revisiting this album and seeing if it still holds up after all these years.

Track 1: Burn

This is a strong start for the album. The ambient build up before the guitar kicks in continuing the buildup until the lyrics come in. The song is about the narrator going up against someone. Making it clear this person isn’t going to win and they aren’t going to hide. They aren’t going to burn, but the other person will. Very simple concept and the lyrics are not subtle at all. Though despite this I still have a huge soft spot for it. I think mainly because as a teen I would just imagine various ocs of mine fighting against their rivals or something and triumphing over them. Though as much as I wish Burn got more attention I also understand why it didn’t.

Track 2: Just Like You

This was one of their big hits from the album and yeah I get why. As a teenager I felt like the song was about a child telling their parents they are not going to follow in their footsteps. They aren’t going to be mean or cruel, they are going to be better. They are going to go down their own path. This is a song I know a lot of teens related to, I know I did. I was not the only one who thought the song was about such. In an interview Adam said,

"It's about being told how to live your life. When we were growing up, we saw it sort of first hand. A lot of our friends were pushed into doing jobs their parents were telling them to do. It's about being pushed around and told how to live your life and standing up for yourself."

One has to keep in mind that Adam was around 25 when this album was recorded which sure that isn’t that young (not compared to when he made Groundswell around 14) but that does explain a lot not just about this song but also the album in general. I don’t have much to say about the music video besides liking the aesthetics of it. However, I want to bring up something interesting about this song. So, when I would go on itunes as a teenager and looked through Three Days Grace’s discography at the time I saw this track was on the soundtrack for the film XXX: State of the Union. Now, I didn’t nor do I still know what this movie is about. But what caught my eye was the title of the song on the soundtrack was instead called Just Like Wylin featuring American rapper Bone Crusher. I took a listen and...I could not anticipated for what I was going to hear. I know teen me didn’t like it but now as and adult I am just HIGHLY amused. This type of mashup is so bizarre but I weirdly love it just for whiplash of it. I HAD to mention it before moving on.

Track 3: I Hate Everything About you

This was the first song I ever heard by the band. Of course I heard it through an edgy Naruto AMV as a middle schooler. This song is one of the band’s most well known songs. Hell, they made this song before the album. It was on their demo when they were still Groundswell and the track got them attention from many record labels. I fully understand why. The song is very in your face about it’s subject matter. A toxic relationship and all the messy feelings that come along with it. Adam has said,

“The song is pretty blunt you know? It's to the point. It's about realizing there's something in your life you're wasting time on. I think everybody, even in this band and a lot of other people have felt that way before at one point or another in their life. Whether it's a person, a relationship whatever it is, you're just wasting time on it. The song is a realization of that.”

While I get the song being blunt and to an extent, whiny, can be seen as a detraction on top of it being not the most polished song. In my opinion, that is what gravitates me towards it. I think that unfiltered emotion from it really makes it stand out on this album. It’s no wonder this song is used for edgy AMVs to playlists for oc stuff. The fact this song was from their demo genuinely amazes me because it is really well done. They got really lucky with this track. I found a review by Heather Phares of AllMusic who said,

"At first, the song seems almost stupidly simple, both lyrically and musically. However, the controlled fury of the choruses and the ambivalent verses make the song a surprisingly smart and concise anthem for anyone stuck in a baffling relationship."

The review gets it. I feel like this song could have easily been fumbled lyrically like many other bands who made similar relationship songs like this. But I think what made this work is that Adam was not trying to write this from the perspective of a teenager for teenagers. But from someone who knows what this type of relationship is like for others who have gone through it.

Track 4: Home

This was apparently another big track from their album which surprises me. Mainly because I never really expected it to be a hit. Though it did not get as big as “Just Like You” and “I Hate Everything About You”. I would listen to this song a decent amount as a teen mainly because I grew up in a not great environment. So at the time it resonated with me but not so much now. It is a decent song, not my favorite track, but all right. Apparently this was Adam Gointer’s favorite track from the album mainly because it was fun to play it live. Though drummer Neil Sanderson talked about the meaning of the song saying,

"It's about being pushed around and neglected and feeling like even though you're in the company of other people, they're not really there at all."

Obvious by anyway, further reading I found this odd trivia about the song. This track along with an interview with the band was included as a bonus with the Prima Games strategy guide for Lords of EverQuest. Huh? That is random. Why was this song chosen for it? Who knows.

Track 5: Scared

I always forget this track exists. It’s not a bad song but it doesn’t stand out compared to the other tracks on the album. I could say what the song is about but I think Genius said it best with and I quote, “This song is about someone is scared and lonely” Thank you random person for saying the obvious. I cannot saying anything else about the song. Narrator is paranoid and is clearly not having a good time in this house because the other person there told him shit he cannot unhear. So far this is one of the weaker tracks on the album. The lyrics are simple and the track feels more like a filler song more than anything. Again, it isn’t like a terrible song but it also doesn’t do much for me. Actually, while I went to listen to it this is a fucking bop. If someone made an AMV of this song with like Scooby Doo on Zombie Island or something it would be perfect. Fuck what I said earlier that this is a weak track.

Track 6: Let You Down

This is an interesting track. It is about the narrator urging the other to trust them and they are safe with this person. But shortly reveals that once you give said trust to them, they will disappoint you. I know some could read this as Adam is the narrator in the situation but I don’t personally see it like that. How I saw it was this was akin to a villain song. Which I think works in the song’s favor. Well I know what ocs I’ll be using this song for.

Track 7: Now or Never

I always assumed this track was about the state of the world and we have the decision of either doing something or not at all. Though that was my perspective as a teen. Now as an adult I could see this song on a more personal level of a person having to choose whether to act upon a decision or never getting that chance again. It’s an all right song. Not one of my favorites but it is a nice track regardless.

Track 8: Born Like This

You know, I struggled trying to pin down the exact meaning behind the song. Before relistening to it I assumed it was about like being born a certain way. Like a certain nature be it selfishness to cruelty. Especially from my memory of the song. When I began to listen with lyrics “It’s not what I took from you, It’s not what I stole, we are born like this” I thought it would lean towards that or something but as the track went on it just became more vague. Well to me anyway. I would replay it to see if maybe I’ll get it. I know this verse,

“Somewhere you're floating high You're not living, we are Somewhere, someone's god, someone's god is laughing”

Stood out to me even as a teen. I always liked it but I don’t really know why. I asked one of my friends who listened to a lot of Three Days Grace as a teen and asked what they thought the song was trying to say. What they told me was,”my best guess is about reclaiming agency over one's life, like a "you can't change the person i intrinsically am" kind of thing.” This was after them even admitting they didn’t fully know what the song meant either. Though if lets say that is the message of reclaiming one’s agency then that is genuinely neat.

Track 9: Drown

An obvious about depression and that the narrator will get out of the slump before it overtakes them. I like the whispers that appear in and out of the song especially in the end. It is eerie and gives off an implication of the narrator doing a mantra to encourage themselves to get through this. How I feel about this song is similar to Now or Never, I like it all right but it isn’t my top song on this album.

Track 10: Wake Up

Before I re-listened to this song I was like “I don’t remember this track. This was their fourth hit?” Then when the instrumentals kicked in then I remembered it. The instrumentals are genuinely very nice and oddly relaxing. However the lyrics of it is...a LOT. I am going to be blunt, this is about a couple in an abusive relationship where the narrator is struggling with addiction however he is taking out his frustrations on his partner. He tries to plead to her that he needs her even though this relationship is terrible for both of them. Especially since the girl is the one who has to be in a position to try to calm him down to sober him up. That and he is using her for drunken sex as well which uhh...

Adam in an interview said,

“ We kind of wrote that song together as a band. The other guys in the band have gone through quite a few relationships, and I've been through a couple. Really that song's just about wanting to get a second chance at a relationship that has gone pretty bad."

There is just a lot to unpack here and in this song that I don’t really know if I am equip to actually discuss more. Like yeah, I could bring up that the narrator is probably an alcoholic which explains his anger and behavior towards this woman. But that is obvious. I guess I am just shocked because as a teen I never really paid attention to the lyrics so listening to this as an adult I am just sitting here. I am not sure how I feel about this song at all. Do I hate it? No. Do I love it? No. Does the song make me uncomfortable? Yeah actually. Not because the subject matter is there but more me trying to figure out how am I, the listener, meant to feel towards the narrator? Sympathy? Pity? Disgust? I guess that is up to the listener. I do have some respect for the song being like up front about a bad relationship like this.

Track 11: Take Me Under

I have always felt this track was fatalistic since the whole “Push me under, pull me further, take me all the way” does make it sound like he is asking death to just get it over with. However, reading more into the lyrics I could if I really squinted it COULD be about a relationship based on the lyric,

“ Seems you're wanting me to stay But my dreams would surely waste away And I still have nowhere else to go”

But I think either interpretation works. It is an all right song, got nothing more to say on it.

Track 12: Overrated

Okay, I remember this track and it was my least favorite on the album for years. Mainly how slow and dull it sounded to me. On top of the energy on the track being low. As a teen I thought this was like about overrated music but going back to the first verse this is about generational divide. That the previous generation screwed up the current and future generation with all the issues they created. Which I only found that out now of the song’s message. While I understand the message I feel like there are better songs that do this. The song doesn’t go deeper into what these issues are besides vague things such as “answers to questions they don’t even know” to “the system moves too slow”. I get that maybe the band didn’t want to get too political on their debut album but as it is, it is a weak end to the album. I will say it is not a bad song but it is a very meh song.

Bonus Track: Are You Ready?

So on the deluxe edition of the album they added this track and I think this song is a weirdly fitting end to the album. Which yes it sounds a lot different than all the other tracks which have more depressing subject matter. But the energy of it I feel like is on par of bring the mood up. Not gonna lie, it sounds like a song perfect for concert audience participation. Not a bad thing but it is something I noticed.

I was pleasantly surprised that I still enjoyed this album as I am getting slowly closer to 30 and farther away from who I was as a middle schooler. I enjoyed most of the songs on this with my top favorites being Burn, I Hate Everything About You, Born Like This, and Scared. The band got super lucky with this album being the success it was. Not every bands first album is solid.Oh, and before I forget this is a Canadian band. I don’t know why I always forget the band came from there but I do. I should have mentioned that a lot earlier but oh well. I actually recommend this album if you like more alternative metal to rock stuff. As I am writing this I have and had worked on Bullet for My Valentine’s The Poison review. Switching back between the two so I hopefully get my review of The Poison out soon.

[unkn0wnsubstanc3]

He's lost Control!

“I am a believer in Joy Division. Fuckin’ hallelujah!”

Fuckin’ hallelujah indeed. That was my immediate reaction after seeing the 2007 biopic Control that invites us into the world of Ian Curtis and Joy Division. The film, directed by Anton Corbijn, who worked as a photographer with the legendary post-punk band, is largely based on the memoirs of Curtis’ wife, Deborah, which gives it its raw and personal feel. Shot entirely in black and white, Control perfectly captures the sombre and melancholic tone of England in the late 1970s. It unveils the fear, alongside the longing, of losing control and masterfully examines the toll that fame and art can take on an individual. 

The film chronicles Ian’s life from his early days in the band until his suicide at the age of 23. But it does so much more than that. The visual language, the cinematography, the use of light and shadow, the music (performed by the actors themselves) all work together in perfect harmony to set the scene skilfully and immerse the viewer. I am there and I am with them. The concert scenes feel incredibly real with Sam Riley, who plays Ian Curtis, getting every little movement exactly right. He gives a powerful and nuanced performance and manages to portray the intense and troubled persona of the singer without descending into caricature or melodrama. Everything flows naturally to paint a beautiful picture of Ian’s life and that of the band, both cut out too soon. Control succeeds where many other biopics have failed. It effectively recreates the gritty atmosphere of the late 1970s Manchester music scene with its introspective mood that poses the question - what does it mean to be an artist? How many sacrifices can you make before you break? Before you lose control of yourself…  

While the answers to those questions remain deeply personal, the film certainly pushes one to go inwards and search for them. Control is outstanding in its effort and serves as a notable tribute to Joy Division’s legacy. It expands beyond the simple progression of an ordinary documentary and strives to add another, more emotional, layer. After all, the film is created by people that knew Ian Curtis and the band personally. On that note, although a rather accurate depiction, at times the portrayal of Curtis’ personal life can feel somewhat one-dimensional, focusing too much on his struggles and not enough on his musical genius. Stephen Morris, a founding member of Joy Division, noted that facts were bent in service of the dramatisation of the story, saying that “the truth is too boring.” Naturally, a big focus of the film is Ian’s failing marriage to Deborah, played by Samantha Morton. She gives a standout performance, filling the character with resilience that makes her an essential counterpoint to his self-destructive tendencies. Without shying away from portraying Curtis’ struggles with epilepsy and depression, his infidelity and drug use, the film paints a vulnerable picture of a man who seemingly mostly dreamt in black and white.

We see his dreams in black and white scenes that flash before our eyes. And we feel them. And we mourn for him. For his life, for all he didn’t get to do and for all he did. For all the control he had… and for the control he lost. The film offers a compelling insight into the life (and death) of one of the most influential musicians of the 20th century. The unique sound of the band that influenced the entire post-punk movement still echoes in our hearts and Control gives us one final glimpse. We mourn because we fear and because we understand. 

[veryfancydoilies]

Hey @modernmanblues, thanks for asking questions! By the way, that Ringo picture you posted recently had me swooning. It’s the eyes..😍 Okay, let’s see…

11. A song you never get tired of

That’s actually a bit of a hard one! It takes me a long time to get tired of a song. I repeat and repeat and repeat any song without problem most of the time. Therefore there are MANY songs that apply but one song that stands out is A Rose for Emily by The Zombies. I believe I already told you how obsessed I am with this song so for the sake of not just repeating myself I’m giving you a bonus song, Maybe After He’s Gone. I have listened to this song so many times it’s #9 on my Spotify Wrapped. The tone of the song and the sadness felt by singer while seeing his love be with someone else gives it a very nice sound. Are you the type to repeat songs too?

15. A song covered from another artist

I am not a big fan of covers because I think a lot of them are inferior to the original songs. I often feel this way when contemporary artists cover classic songs. This recording, however, is better than the original, the original recording being by The Yardbirds, in my opinion. It just sounds more unique compared to the Yardbirds’ which is pretty unremarkable if you ask me. The softer voice of Saturday Son’s lead singer prevents it from sounding too generic. What’s your opinion on cover songs I wonder?

20. A song that has many meanings to you

I’m definitely the type who tries to decipher meaning in songs I hear and usually I can come up with an interpretation or even two but this song has me almost completely stumped. Apparently I’m not the only one because people on the Internet have come up with lots of meanings. I’ve read that people thought it was about the JFK assassination but Simon and Garfunkel denied that. My best guess is that it’s about depression and/or loneliness. The “Hello darkness, my old friend” line makes me lean more towards the depression meaning. But something tells me it’s not quite that simple. Do you think about the meaning of songs much? What do you think this song means?

So that’s it! I hope you find at least a little entertaining and you learned more about me. By the way, I’d like to talk more about Harry Potter and 10cc if you’re up for it. Bye for now!

[kinetic-elaboration]

December 12: Work Shit

Today was such a shitty day. And for the most dumb-fuck reasons too. There was work drama in the morning so incredibly inane I am embarrassed to post about it in a pubic space but the tl;dr of it is that I had no opinions about the thing, but was still the brunt of others’ (an other’s really) annoyance about it. We kept saying ‘it’s not personal’ as we spoke harshly to each but it felt SO personal, and I just couldn’t get over it for pretty much the rest of the day. I am quite sure it wounded me more and affected me for longer than anyone else. I want to be like ‘please don’t do this to me, I am a sensitive flower, I am easily emotionally decimated’ but also like ‘I am not bothered at all (lying), I am strong and fine, I am above this, I am not engaging because there is nothing to engage with.’

Again, there was nothing to engage with. But it just made me feel so shitty. I still feel kind of sad even now, to be honest. I was so bummed out and tired that I took a nap as soon as I got home (after a bus ride sitting in front of someone who was yelling into their phone and kept saying ‘no one can hear me! It’s the bus!’—um? We can all hear you because it’s the bus?). There was probably nothing else for me to do but of course now I am up late because it takes a while to wake up again from a nap, then I am all riled up and easily distracted. So I will go to sleep at a stupid hour again, and also have accomplished nothing with my paltry post-work hours.

Fuck I’m so depressed. This is such a depressing train of thought.

Anyway, yesterday I mentioned at work that I had never seen a single episode of Doctor Who (this is the truth: I think I saw a partial episode on TV, but not even the whole thing) and this shocked my co-worker considerably. She said it was incredibly surprising of me or something of that nature. And I do not know how to take this. I mean, probably what she means is ‘you are known as someone who likes science fiction and is rather nerdy’ and these are true things and also positive reputations to have. But I have literally never given the slightest fuck about Doctor Who lmao. I can’t tell you why, but it obviously doesn’t feel weird to me that I don’t because I never have! Obviously I’ve been in a lot of spaces that are sort of Who-adjacent (fandom, tumblr, nerd-dom, crossover appeal with other stuff I like) but it’s never been tempting or intriguing at all. It’s not on my list.

What I said was just like… a non-answer that sounded like an answer based on my tone of voice. Like, ‘Hmmm, well I’ve seen a partial episode on TV and I’ve seen Torchwood.’ This is all true but does not at all address the surprise or the reasons of my not being interested. I was surprised by her surprise, I don’t have good reasons, and also all I could say would probably read as insulting to Who fans, one of whom was in the room.

I think part of it is, honestly, that my mom isn’t into Doctor Who, and so I did not have anyone getting me into it at a formative time. Not that people can’t get into Who independently and not that I haven’t gotten into things independently but I just… I really think that in this particular instance, if she had been into it, I would have been. My mom being into Torchwood is the reason I watched it (well… 2-ish seasons). She thinks Who is a kids’ show and while it’s probably more a family show, that opinion really influenced my non-desire to watch it.

Another part is that I’m sort of a sci-fi poser in a way. I hate to admit it but it’s true. I love that people think of me as a sci fi fan and I think of myself that way too but I am NOT well read. I’m more like an ST:TOS fan with aspirations to sci fi fandom. This isn’t to say I want to pick up Who (or Dune, the other piece of science fiction I was strangely assumed to be familiar with), but I do want to be more well-read in some classic sci fi literature, as well as be more aware of like modern sci fi stuff. Especially books. There are very few sci fi TV series that interest me. A couple but not a ton.

I also have a weird definition of science fiction which is, it’s science fiction if it FEELS like science fiction to me, personally, the arbiter of all things. Some media are in the sense that they can’t be anything else, I guess, but they don’t feel like science fiction to me and so I’m not interested, which is a weird and irrational and unreasonable thing for me to say, but it’s the middle of the night and I’m sad so there it is.

[tvccreator]

Playing Devil’s Advocate for Garten of Banban

Okay... before you kill me for this, please know I haven’t played the game personally yet. I have Chapter One and am going to attempt playing it later to get a feel for how the game runs, but until then, I’m going off of the gameplay videos I’ve watched, specifically SuperHorrorBro, Jacksepticeye, and 8-Bit Ryan. 

Long post ahead; you know the drill. TL;DR - the gameplay isn’t great but I feel like, with some TLC and time put into going back and smoothing out the gameplay and character movements, the game could be really good and not just a Poppy Playtime knockoff/mascot horror cash grab.

Now, from what I’ve seen, the game is... clunky. The drone controls seem to be finicky, the puzzles are confusing with very little explanation (poor Jack ran around trying every combination for the color-coded desk puzzle when the combination was on the wall), and the designs for the characters are a bit bizarre. It definitely feels like a cash-grab mascot horror game.

However... there is potential for the game.

For one, I can’t think of any mascot horror game that has taken on a kindergarten. Middle school/high school, sure (Baldi’s Basics & Doki Doki Literature Club are two off the top of my head,) but not a kindergarten. It’s a bit scarier thinking that there are five-year-old children who have fallen into the abyss that is the ball pit’s underbelly where there is something that probably hasn’t even interacted with children before. The premise is really unique and gives the game an interesting identity.

Secondly, the voice acting isn’t bad. It’s a little goofy, but then again, there are other video games where the voice actors feel like they’re not even trying. These voice actors sound like they’re trying, and I have a lot of respect for that, especially since I want to do voice acting work someday, too. Banbaleena’s voice actress is doing a really good job - my friend Cotton said that she sounds kinda like a child trying to play a teacher, and that definitely fits for what we’ve seen her personality to be. Banban’s voice and inflections are funny, but I like that his tone kinda implies he’s tired of being seen as a “bad guy” and is a bit socially awkward. Slow Seline’s voice is actually pretty scary and pretty much exactly what I’d expect her voice to sound like. I’m really excited to see if Stinger Flynn will talk or be a silent antagonist like Opila Bird and Jumbo Josh.

Thirdly... well, this is going to sound slightly mean, but the puzzles in Garten of Banban 2 - to me, at least - appear easier than in Poppy Playtime Chapter 2. I have horrible memory (thanks ADHD/depression combo) and I am incredibly bad at reflex puzzles that Whack-A-Wuggy poses. The puzzles in Garten of Banban aren’t necessarily testing reflexes and memory, but instead feel more like logic puzzles. Banbaleena’s entire class section is more logic-based. For example, her very first question with the long string of numbers makes you look at your options: Smart Kid, Really Smart Kid, Dramatic Kid, and Weird Kid. Sure, it’s not like it’s extremely hard to figure out that “Really Smart Kid” is your best bet to avoid death, but it’s more focused on logic/reasoning instead of being memory or reflex-based. Poppy Playtime Chapter 2 can get overwhelming fast, especially when I was merely watching people play through it. Flashing lights and rapid movement make me slightly sick, so being able to do puzzles that emphasize thinking instead of speed and memory are going to be a bit more favorable in my eyes. Not to mention old-school parkour is fun if you can land the jumps. (*looks at me failing at parkour in Minecraft*)

So, what do I think? Well, since I haven’t personally played Garten of Banban yet, I can’t tell if my critiques/compliments are warranted or are too nice/harsh. However, I feel like, if given more time, the creators can make a really good game. People seem to forget that Ink Bendy from Bendy and the Ink Machine was originally just a blob with a smile and vaguely horn-shaped objects on his head back in its early days. If the creators go back to the previous chapters and fix up the gameplay and designs like how theMeatly did during Bendy and the Ink Machine, I feel like this game could be a very interesting game in and of itself. It’s like my personal thoughts on Balan Wonderworld. The gameplay and the costume mechanic aren’t good in the slightest, but everything else made me enjoy the game nonetheless. Garten of Banban feels like it will be similar to my opinions of Balan Wonderworld when I play it. Is it a cash grab? ...I don’t know. Most likely? But I feel as though, behind the cash-grabby feel and the janky gameplay, there’s a good game just waiting to come out.

[muzzable]

My thoughts on the Miraculous Movie (in List Format, Written as I Thought Them)

With added comments as I'm making this post in purple, and a short review at the end.

Spoilers for the movie and show under the cut; though most of my comments may not be the most relevant, many are.

"Do you believe in magic" you mean miracles? Cause it's Miraculous?

"stronger than death" they're reviving Emilie aren't they (thankfully not; I guess they mean love is stronger than the grief of death)

Tom looks creepy

I actually think "believe in me" could have been tied to "Believe in Miracles" well

I like her having more general social anxiety compared to just around her crushes like in canon (and then it kinda disappeared)

This girl really does have a pretty singing voice so I'm conflicted but like. Who is this singing. Not the same as talking.

I like getting to see more of Gabriel running a fashion empire (has probably just not watched those episodes of the show) (I think this helped set the tone of Gabriel being controlling down to the last detail, and he didn't even act like he cared about fashion so it helps sell him as the villain or something)

Why is Luka here

I kinda like this chloe more so far tbh

Did they take Marinette's freckles? (pretty sure they did; they're really subtle in the show though)

Why does Emilie sound so impatient if she doesn't mind waiting forever lol

I like that tying into him as hawkmoth though, that she'd wait forever for him so he'd try forever for her

This is a completely different school lol

Saw a brown eyed student that looked more like Adrien than Adrien I think lol

Why'd she start calling her Marinella (seriously, why? she demonstrated she knew her name and they did bring back "baker girl" eventually)

Is she crying? I don't think they animated it (i still don't) Cristina voice acted it though

Adrien sells being socially inept by asking if Marinette's ok then walking away

Marinette holding a black cat book is sweet

I think she and Adrien look better in motion (seeing lots of screenshots I didn't really feel they looked like them, but it was mostly fine when animated)

Ok but he did not say "she's so weird" like he liked it and that's not an Adrien thing to do (and then he seems to love Marinette later for no real reason? Since they can't be together due to his love for ladybug and not "sorry I don't feel the same to you.")

Dang Nathalie get a better guy already he's rude

I thought that was Amelie in the picture cause Gabe had long hair lol

Also why is Adrien at school already? Chloe made a big deal about showing him around so I know he's new but. (in fact they didn't show Gabriel as controlling Adrien at all, just emotionally distant. kinda hurts the point of Ladybug making him feel free or whatever; i guess she makes him feel free from...being depressed that his mom is dead? even thuogh he tells Gabriel to move on at the end, it feels like Adrien's character in this movie is defined by his mom being dead almost as much as Gabriel's is, while in the show he genuinely does move past it.)

Emilie looks the most different (And then the painting is exactly the same lol)

Nooroo temple is kinda cool. Why does he sound like a 36 year old lady

Flying miraculous is .. interesting

"friends don't run from frienfs who hate them" "nice screaming exchange" ok yeah I think this Chloe is funny lol (in hindsight she was funny in the show too i just forgot)

"you are the one" you mean one of the two

Ok so Marinette is chosen for saving Fu's life and Adrien for…having a trash can for Plagg to hide behind? An open window? (Answer: we don't know. We don't really see much of how Adrien gets his miraculous.)

Why is that lady who rejected that guy's proposal the only one in Paris with a French accent (later on there were two other Parisians with accents! wow!)

Also the first akuma is just…some guy? (i just really like how in the show the first akuma was a classmate, and someone they know. we get to see ivan grow, and he rejects perfect alliance in the season 5 finale if i remember right. come to think of it they don't put a lot of emphasis on the fact that akumas stem from emotions here, which pretty much exists to explore characters and stuff.)

I like Plagg seeming to turn into a black cat and Tikki as a ladybug (unless Marinette and Adrien are just attracting those animals which is also cool) (this was also not really expanded upon, but I think the ladybug turned into Tikki)

Also the animation is just so pretty. I love the ladybug miraculous and Tikki here

I like keeping Marinette thinking she can't be ladybug

Ok Tikki is acting like there's no such thing as Chat Noir

Also I like them using the theme melody

Also she already had black earrings

Tikki's lines are definitely funny though

I mean gargoyle is practically flying stoneheart lol (this is related to me talking about Ivan earlier)

I feel ROBBED of seeing Adrien and Plagg meet for the first time Plagg is so important for Adrien as a character (especially with Chat saying in one of the songs that he feels free, and Plagg as his confidant is a really big part of Chat Noir being so liberating to Adrien)

Chat why are you being so mean

Chat expects Ladybug to be his sidekick so at least Plagh told him about the existence of Ladybug which is more than Tikki did lol

I'm finding Chat kinda annoying. I do not think that is good. (Ladybug go to the supermarket and pick up some taste in men)

I'm not sure what's supposed to be going on with the yoyo. It seems alive or at least responsive to Marinette's desires but the staff doesn't do that? (Later he calls it back to him kinda like how Hawkmoth called his cane back in Chat Blanc)

Ladybug sure did go to "no I'm here to save the world" fast after arriving on site and seeing another hero and no villain

Ok don't just say stronger together but like. Tell them why their powers rely on each other (I don't think they did. They were only really stronger together in the sense that two people are more than one)

See I don't like Ladybug actually disliking Chat at first but I would too and I don't think that's good

This guy sounds a bit more like Bryce Pappenbrook than that girl sounds like Cris

Yeah I'm not completely sure why he's in love with Ladybug? I guess cause he smiled when he made jokes at her? I mean I like the idea of her making him smile and that's why he likes her since his life otherwise is so frickin depressing but I don't recall her making him smile.

So he likes Ladybug because he's delusional?

Ok what the frick did they do to Plagg (maybe it's a good thing he wasn't in the movie that much actually) "you'll destroy everything" "duh I'm the kwami of destruction" was the only part of it I liked

Marinette what the heck lol. Just throw Tikki out a window. Unhinged Marinette (good)

Afraid Marinette (sad but also good)

Did Gabriel forget what happened when he akumatized that guy? Interesting if so (I think Nooroo's power just knocked him unconscious. It feels like a way to say using the butterfly miraculous isn't good for him but it's not brought up again.)

Why did Tikki and Plagg disappear if Hawkmoth can have Nooroo while transformed

I don't feel like this animation/choreography fits Gabriel but the song itself works

So is he just akumatizing people who are already supervillains or is this song completely metaphorical

No way. Ladybug the world's first female superhero. (I forget this is a show aimed at preteen girls sometimes lol. That being said it feels odd for a modern day setting to have Alya emphasize that she's a girl superhero because just having a female superhero isn't a new concept.)

I feel like they've got Alya down character wise

Is the mime still Mylene's dad. Why was he in prisonMatPat

Today's back to school fair? But they were just at school yesterday?

Are they trying to set Adrienette together? Because I don't recall Marinette telling Alya she liked Adrien

She seems to have gotten over her social anxiety fast

"leave the fair. I won't drive you myself. I'm sending a car." Gabriel moment

Alya and Nino are going to die

When did Marinette put the earrings back on

This song reminds me a bit of Wall Between Us (rip)

Marinette you don't have time for this musical number PEOPLE ARE GOING TO DIE

Yeah I think they recycled some of Wall for Courage in Me's melody (unless it was originally a reprise of Courage)

Wait didn't they say they needed to free the akumatized victims or whatever earlier. Is there no consequence for them failing to do so with Gargoyle (no, because all they do is just fight the villain until they're knocked out or in Gabriel's case reject the akuma. So I Guess they technically succeeded with Gargoyle.)

Ok Ladybug smiled even though she acted upset about Chat so I think she likes him lol

Dang Chat catching an invisible bullet

Poor Nino. Flying blind through the sky.

I'm confused about when his ferris wheel has windows and when it doesn't

I liked that Alya/Nino scene

Maybe Magician is Mylene's mom lol

Ok no they were just dressed like a mime and magician already (do people in Paris just wear their same outfits in prison? Were they already supervillains with theming or did they just arrest an actual mime and magician?)

What do you mean you think you know what to do Marinette. Nobody told you.

Ladybug and Chat Noir cars lol

Is her Lucky Charm move not gonna be in this movie (no.) Sorry Paris no miraculous cure for you (until the end, which i did like that it reminded me of the "holder sets the limits" thing from Mr Pigeon 72. If you're going to ignore your main character's main superpower until the very end of the movie, that's the way to do it)

How much time passed in that montage I wonder. They should make a show about it (this was mostly a joke, but I do think the movie suffered from a confusing sense of time.)

I like that we've seen a bit of Adrienette and Ladynoir already. Surprisingly I was worried they'd forget that a big part of the show is the interactions of different love square sides

You can't just have a shot of Chat alone in front of the moon like this you're giving me Chat Blanc trauma

Tikki why are you not encouraging her to be happy lol

Ok that was smooth Chat lol (when he pretended to be dead)

Chat just traumadumping Adrien stuff to Ladybug

We're not seeing Plagg again are we

Ok so Chat's verse makes clear that what he likes about her is that he can share anything with her, which I like. It's always been about the freedom from his civilian life and his dad (I liked Stronger Together as a song that explored what they both got out of their relationship, with Marinette sorta getting the ability to do anything. However, I went in knowing that it replaced Wall Between Us, which was about the emotions that make them love both sides of the other, confuse them, and keep them apart. This fact was a bigger part of the movie I feel like, since they both said they had someone else they loved, so I think it kinda suffered by losing a song that actually explains and explores those emotions.)

Ok good job singing with Chat, Mrs Marinette "hes not my boyfriend" Ladybug

What do you mean you can't date cause your heart is someone else's? You and Adrien are not dating.

Oh did you Plagg? Did you tell him not to love Ladybug? I don't recall that (he probably did and I forgot. I don't know.)

Oh dang Adrien. Good for you. (yelling at Dad I mean)

Ok so every love square side is already in love but they can't be with each other despite not having made any commitments to any other side. I shouldn't bash that I guess they're teens dealing with hard feelings

Gonna say I love the animation again

I wish the show had this budget

Alright then. Paris apocalypse. Honestly I'm here for it. I wanna see where Gabe akumatizing himself to die goes (ok I guess he didnt akumatize himself to die. He said he'd be joining Emilie by doing so but I guess not.)

I feel like the characters have a lot of emotions driving their actions and we're not getting time to explore them in this movie (actually my main issue with the movie)

Ok are they gonna address Chat Noir being mad at Ladybug for rejecting him the same way he did Marinette or. (They really didn't.)

Cataclysm the Eiffel Tower. This is in fact a Miraculous Ladybug movie

I'm guessing there's no senti lore

So the suits can just be cut up, huh?

They still haven't actually said that the two Miraculous grant a wish. There was no explanation for how getting them would get him his wife

Ok I'm glad the ultimate takeaway was still "Let Emilie be dead"

Ok so this is kinda like her Origins speech. Except that Chat is already in love with her. (And Gabe's been defeated or whatever)

Oh my word finally. Miraculous cure.

They kinda skipped out on Marinette's emotions and reaction to seeing Adrien was Chat huh. And also that Gabriel was Hawkmoth

Finally Adrien gets to go to the dance. (He could have gone in Representation if his dad was already in jail or whatever. Food for thought.)

Marinette did you seriously just wait months to be like "oh also I know your identity and I'm Ladybug"

Why did they stop being superheroes? No patrol?

How is her hair in that bun is it longer now

That's sweet. Except they cut off before the kiss.

Oh Emilie has the peacock on already. Maybe there is senti lore in this universe after all

Ok no credits song for me I guess it cut to puss in boots

Alright so to recap: I really did like the movie. The characters were fun, it got some laughs out of me, and I liked how emotional the ending actually was. I just think the story is too big for a movie. When watching it I was sure there were complex emotions in mind when writing the characters and their motivations, and that's great; it just didn't feel like they had enough time to explore those emotions. Frankly, I feel like Miraculous needs to be a show. It needs that time for the characters to grow close to each other, to grow as people, to process the revelations they have to deal with. Even with the movie focusing almost solely on Marinette, Adrien, and Gabriel, none of them felt like their character arcs were completely shown. We're told "Marinette's afraid to be Ladybug," "Adrien's never felt free since his mom's death except for when he's Chat Noir," "Gabriel finds his life empty without Emilie," but I don't feel we see those in-depth. Even Marinette and Adrien/Ladybug and Chat Noir getting closer together felt rushed because it was mostly a montage. It's stuff that fans of the show already know, so they don't exactly need to see in the movie, but I think it hurts the movie as its own independent story. I could see this version of the story working better as a one season show, or even a miniseries. Of course, there is a show, so it's not like I can't go back to that.

So overall, I'd say I like the show more than the movie, and I feel like the show is better as well, due to really having the chance to get to know the characters it's about.

[herpoetryshelf]

[Blog #10] Spring 2023, Plath, Sexton and Lowell vs Olds, Flynn and Davis

Today, I am comparing and contrasting early Confessional poets -- Sylvia Plath’s “Lady Lazarus,” Anne Sexton’s “Wanting to Die” and Robert Lowell’s “Skunk Hour” -- to their Confessional contemporaries --  Sharon Olds’ “My Son the Man,” Nick Flynn’s “My Mother Contemplating Her Gun” and Olena Kalytiak Davis’ “Not This”.

For reference, confessional-style poetry or confessionalism is poetry that often incorporates first-person perspective to detail psychological struggles such as mental illness and/or childhood traumas.

Before I analyze the similarities and differences between those six poems, I would love to greet anyone who happens to stumble upon this blog post.  

This is the link to my first blog post on Ada Limon’s The Carrying (2018):

My professor assigned a poetry book collection or individual poems every other week. My main objective was to dissect a few poems that left an impression on me while using his T.R.I.F.F.I.D. method.  

Tone: the voice, mood, or attitude the reader believes the author is conveying through subject and word choice. 

Rhythm: the pattern and beat between the stressed and unstressed word syllables. 

Imagery: the details told through the five senses (touch aka physical, sound aka auditory, sight aka visual, taste aka gustatory and smell aka olfactory). 

Figure: or figure of speech, is the non-literal expression of language. Figures of speech include hyperbole, irony, metaphor, simile, anaphora, antithesis and chiasmus. 

Form: the way a poem is presented on paper or a screen. Think of how the author physically shapes the poem -- the use of dialogue, line spacing, paragraph breaks, rhythms and patterns. 

Idea Density: how the author expresses their ideas throughout their poem. Can be literal (concrete) and/or figurative (vague or hidden).  

Diction: the word choice and arrangement within a piece. 

Part I:

The most noticeable difference between early and contemporary confessional poems are their forms. For example, both Sylvia Plath’s “Lady Lazarus” and Anne Sexton’s “Wanting to Die” have 3 lines per stanza, while Robert Lowell’s “Skunk Hour” has 6. 

On the other hand, Sharon Olds’ “My Son the Man” is one long stanza compose of 15 lines; Nick Flynn’s “My Mother Contemplating Her Gun” is a bit harder to deduce where a stanza starts and end, but it seems to vary between 1–3 lines per stanza. Olena Kalytiak Davis’ “Not This” starts at 2 lines, then 11, and shifts back to 2 lines for the last three stanzas. 

Part II:

I feel as though I can’t quite compare and contrast the early and contemporary poets’ idea density because they all similarly discuss mental health awareness/topics. Plath’s “Lady Lazarus” (Lazarus means a person who is resurrected from the dead) reveals the narrator’s (Plath’s) third suicide attempt by age thirty:

I have done it again.   

One year in every ten   

I manage it——

(...)

And I a smiling woman.   

I am only thirty.

And like the cat I have nine times to die.

This is Number Three.   

What a trash

To annihilate each decade. (1-3, 21-24)

Lowell’s “Skunk Hour” the narrator admits to his declining mental health -- feeling crazy, alone and depressed, so much so, he compared his state of mind to Hell:

My mind’s not right.

A car radio bleats,

“Love, O careless Love. . . .” I hear

my ill-spirit sob in each blood cell,

as if my hand were at its throat. . . .

I myself am hell;

nobody’s here— (30-36)

Sexton’s “Wanting to Die” is vaguely similar in topic to Plath as they both discuss “suicide,” though Sexton is more on the nose than Plath. In reference to the title, the narrator confesses to her desire to commit suicide:

Since you ask, most days I cannot remember.

I walk in my clothing, unmarked by that voyage.   

Then the almost unnameable lust returns.

Even then I have nothing against life.

I know well the grass blades you mention,   

the furniture you have placed under the sun.

But suicides have a special language.

Like carpenters they want to know which tools.

They never ask why build. (1-9)

Olds’ “My Son the Man” the narrator confesses that she is afraid of her son growing up and becoming his own person outside of her control/influence (maternal fears).

She compares herself to the chains strapped on Houdini, while her son is compared to Houdini himself:

Suddenly his shoulders get a lot wider,

the way Houdini would expand his body

while people were putting him in chains. It seems

no time since I would help him to put on his sleeper,

guide his calves into the gold interior,

zip him up and toss him up and

catch his weight. I cannot imagine him

no longer a child, and I know I must get ready,

get over my fear of men now my son

is going to be one. This was not

what I had in mind when he pressed up through me like a

sealed trunk through the ice of the Hudson,

snapped the padlock, unsnaked the chains,

and appeared in my arms. Now he looks at me

the way Houdini studied a box

to learn the way out, then smiled and let himself be manacled. (1-15)

Eventually, like all traps, Houdini figures them out and escapes, which is what the narrator fears her son will do to her when he matures. 

Again, Flynn’s “My Mother Contemplating Her Gun” is similar to Plath and Sexton’s poems as it deals with the topic of suicide; as the title implies, the narrator is the mother. 

Throughout the poem, the mother discusses the gun -- the act of suicide -- as insignificant or easy by down-playing the severity and adding colorful descriptions to the gun:

 I bought it

when I didn’t feel safe. The barrel

                      is oily,

          reflective, the steel

pure, pulled from a hole

                   in West Virginia. It

could have been cast into anything, nails

along the carpenter’s lip, the ladder

to balance the train. Look at this, one

                        bullet,

                        how almost nothing it is—

          saltpeter   sulphur   lead   Hell

burns sulphur, a smell like this.

                        safety & hammer, barrel & grip

             I don’t know what I believe. (9-23)

Lastly, in Davis’ “Not This,” the narrator reveals she regrets not appreciating the little moments of family time in the past since the family dynamic has change -- the children growing up and the narrator (possibly) falling out of love with their spouse:

i raised my kids, they

grew i lost two pasts–i am

not made of them and they

are through.

we forget what

we remember:

each of the five

the fevered few

days we used to

fall in love. (10-19)

What did I learn?

The most noticeable difference between early and contemporary confessional poems are their forms; early poets stuck to a rigid line count, while their successors are more free-flowing. 

Moreover, they all discuss mental health issues. Plath, Sexton and Flynn explore suicide in their poetry; Lowell, Olds and Davis wrote about varying topics: solitude, maternal fears and regret. 

Whether early or contemporary, not all poets write about the same mental issues; even if two poets wrote about the same mental illness, they have differing voices, imagery, figures of speeches, etc. 

Though, most confessional poets seem to share the same tone: melancholy, desolate, grim, mournful and pessimistic.

Spotlight Poet: Who is Sylvia Plath?

Some may only know Sylvia Plath by how she infamously died, rather than how she lived her life. I am here to correct that! Boston native Sylvia Plath specialized and was highly noted for her confessional poetry; her topics ranged from her mental struggles, self-image and familial and marital traumas. During her lifetime, Plath published two poetry collections: The Colossus and Other Poems (1960) and Ariel (1965). 

One of her most well-known and studied poems is “Lady Lazarus” and “Daddy”. In the former, as discussed earlier, Plath confesses to her third suicide attempt, whereas in the latter, she recounts her patriarchal sufferings through her father’s death and the conflicting relationship with her husband (poet Ted Hughes). 

In the end, Sylvia Plath’s poetry remained timeless and praised by her contemporaries and successors because of how relatable and descriptive her thoughts and emotions -- anguish, alienation and self-destruction -- are to the past and present literary communities.

For more information on confessionalism and poetry by Plath, Sexton, Lowell, Olds, Flynn and Davis, check out the links below:

Lastly, what are some of your favorite confession-style poems? 

Feel free to share some below!

[headlesscribbler]

I finished For The Future and it's good! But ALL BETS ARE OFF I'M POSTING SPOILERS AND THOUGHTS. (Also its super long like has 20 different points)

Written plotpoint wise and then in general.

-The tone at first was insanely confusing with everyone dying and then then Hooty flying and Eda almost immediately getting over her missing limb (well ig the cliffhanger made it look more dramatic). Also haha hot Harpy Eda scene, fan artists are winners.

-The curse actually wasn't explored that much (or the Owl Beast being trapped which I'm really annoyed at) but it seems to act similarly.

-Luz totally saw King's slightly grown up form with the wings.

-It's depressing seeing literally everyone screwed up but that makes sense and I do like how everyone gets a spotlight on their issues.

-Ok Belos is SUPER cool this episode. Tbh I found him more weird/slightly funny looking last episode but I like how this 350 year old man's flesh is falling off the bones. Also that's definitely dead Caleb we saw this episode and probably last (very cool but the knife looked a little funky dangling there)

-The broken playground and swing, nice Episode 10 reference. Also the graffiti is always funny.

-Lol screw you Terra you got picked to be the Owl Beast bc you're old and cranky. I can't believe her not being in the trailer was for this.

-That Draining Spell is literally only a kill everyone spell, ok? I mean it would have been interesting seeing them try to adapt without any magic but sure (also ig there wouldn't be time)

-Boscha you still suck! Also I can't believe my brother guessed the Kikimora reveal, I was like red skin, short, that's too easy. But looking back, the voice, the glasses. Ok I see it.

-Yeah no redemption all the Grimwalkers/Caleb want to kill Belos. Also lol I joked that he would say shut up to them and I guessed it right.

-Also not really surprised his Grimwalker body didn't last, like you're running out of resources. Still not sure why it still ended up looking like you. Also I was spoiled on him climbing up the skull so I was jumpscared by that scene AND it being a spoiler!

-I liked the visuals of the giant book circling around the tiny planet. Also Collector I know you can rhyme better come on.

-I have no idea what's up with the Collector portraits (hey Hollow Mind parallels). I'll let others dissect it but I found the lore kind id underwhelming like last time but I'm a terrible theorist and time crunch so eh. Also repeat images?

-Literally the entire Hooty and Eda scene was recontextualized to be weirdly more chill and cheery. Like Hooty is alive, why and also why immediately joke about it being weird?I'm not sure how their hideout works but hey there's some peace? Also you're killing me Eda please be with Raine oh my god! Also Eda saying "What's the matter?" made me want to cry, she sounded like a mom comforting her kid! And she said it so kind and softly!

-Ok I was pissed at the Hunter possession bc I thought it was fake/looked dumb. This feels random and weird. Belos possessing a puppet, really? I swear it's like "Huh screw Eda I'm gonna use Raine". But they look better off than Hunter (also why the goop on the ears, like injuiry from a piercing?) Ok but they(?) have cool expressions and their normal voice and mostly look the same and I doubt they'll die (otherwise it's that Diversity Loss meme. I'll pretend they'll die so I don't feel as bad/disappointed if it happens). I don't know why we're doing this again, pattern breaking says they must go but don't they have too much potential?

-Ok this possession concept feels kinda written badly? It's only introduced last episode and you're gonna convince me Belos can actually possess the Collector? Please! Also in general I don't like possessions as they take away the person's choice and creates limited character development for them.

-I've got beef with the Collector (who I now realize is probably different from the Owl Beast trapper but still), I don't like how it's not acknowledged that he was fine with killing everyone. King is nothing like that and I don't like how this Collector feels different from the more scary and dangerous shadow Collector we've seen the most from. It doesn't make sense they're supposed to be the same! Also they'll probably depower him simce he's too powerful (I wonder if doing this will make Collectors extinct.)

-Someone else probably articulated it better but I like the spotlight on Willow, how holding in her emotions to be strong for everyone ends up making her spiral out of control and how Gus and Hunter tell her she can let it out. It's really sad seeing her miss her dads but I'm glad it's acknowledged.

-Yay Camilla and Luz time! Yeah, it's sad how they both have regrets but I'm glad they're reconciling and Camilla is righting her wrongs. Also Luz's wish makes so much sense and I love the anime like tears. (Also yeah her saying she doesn't know what she wants definitely fits Amity given a predetermined path)

-For the teleportation powers Hunter gets, ehh but I do like the action is brings. Also YEAH new plant attacks Willow!

-Also literally calling out every single guess and putting it all in one. I like the Chinese dragon looking one. The designs all kinda look like OCs but it fits and it'll probably grow on me. Also 80% snake for the win!

Bruh the animation looks so good! Honestly mostly the effects but also the scattered fight scenes as well! I like how it goes from whimsy to body horror (would've liked more but eh Belos takes an L)

Tbh the pacing was kinda off since there was the school, King and Eda, and Raine being posessed. It felt weird because it didn't even really feel right for a cliffhanger. Hey who's fault is it (Disney)

Ok compared to Thanks to Them (which I really didn't like and don't want to rewatch due to the Belos possession) this is leagues better. No doubt because questions are answered, things are different and we get to see them again! Effects/fights/body horror/character design is good, I really like the character development and them coping with this nightmare, and others than the Raine thing/unavoidable pacing issues (this feels like similar issues to the first episode) it's super good!

[nessie31]

Why is it that the best days can also be some of the hardest emotionally?

I guess because we know they won’t be like this forever. And I know that sounds so depressing and morbid, but when you start seeing the writing on the walls it’s hard to erase it away.

I’m going to say the thing I shouldn’t say. The thing I’ve been avoiding voicing out loud or putting into writing. Because if I don’t say it, I’m going to fucking explode.

I love C.

They aren’t mine and I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I think I always have. I know I did back then and I was too scared to admit it. Scared of what it would mean. Scared of being turned down. Scared of messing up things for both of us.

But God, if I knew then what I know now, things could have been so different.

I don’t regret things; I hate regretting things. Cuz there’s no point. Regrets don’t change anything. They can’t fix what’s been done.

But God do I regret that. I think we both do.

Why is it so damn hard to get things right?

I know they say everything is clear in hindsight. But it feels like I’ve been doing nothing but making very permanent decisions and getting them wrong at every fucking turn.

Don’t get me wrong, I like my life. I am contented.

I’m sure if I go back through these posts I will find another one, or more than one that have these tones and thoughts. But after shit with T yesterday and the conversation between C and I after today, it’s got these thoughts all messed up in my head.

So much of this I’m editing to protect the corrupted, so it’s hard to really get out exactly what I want to say and what I feel.

I wonder if they’ll ever read this. If I’ll ever be brave enough to share it. Probably not. Not without desperation. But either way I don’t think I could do that to them.

What purpose would it have? It won’t change the way things are. The only thing it can do is cause hurt if they feel the same and uncomfortability if they don’t.

I doubt they’d read it anyway….

Okay, moving away from dark thoughts because that gets me nowhere. Focus on today was good. Like, really good.

I didn’t realize how well C listens and pays attention to what I want and like and ask for. I figure most of our conversations were just fun, meaningless except to play.

I learned today how wrong I was.

C listens, and takes in everything. Just waiting for the perfect time to use it or show it.

God today was good.

I wonder if I can get them to do it again this week.

I’m gonna finish this before I get all mushy school girl.

[proudahgase-exol]

Sorry it takes me a while to answer back! But yeah, I love that man in pink hehe~ Did you watch it? You didn't have to! I def like the movie but some of it's a little iffy- but a lot of it's funny- and I just usually watch it for snowman ebhhbaa 🤭 (you can watch it for free on ok.ru (i rewatch it alot for comfort))

Oh, her hair is so fun! But I can understand that-

You're right! She could have just moved away- I know it was like harder in the times but like she was vv resourceful she could have made it without a prince tbh- They really fell in love at first sight ebhbhaa- The rats- but I love the red mouse sm ebhabhbah- (I hwvr if they do not look like disney mice i'm not about to talk to em) I have a cat for a reason bhebhabha- (Real 😂😂 I have a resting bitch face too haha! I just lost my first gray hair at 22 ebhabha- less than 5 months- after being 22 😭 Good luck with your white hairs- we will get through this ebhbha-)

Oh, they're both vv good but then again last time I saw them I was like 11/12 ebhabha-

Me too- I can understand that! Ahh really? I would love to hear more about how you both match up! My personality is probably most similar to that of Junhui tbh ebhabha- Also thank you for putting me onto that track- it wassss soooo good! I loved the trap beat and his vocal tone sm and message! It was so cool!

I've never heard of either of those, but I will def try to check them out!! That sounds like such a beautiful experience- I love when movies can evoke such feelings out of someone. That means they're well-done!

I feel like we've been friends forever too! We've always been tagging each other and everything- Hehe now it's official I suppose~ We do have a few things in common~

What's your favorite flavor of icecream?

I didn’t watch it I was on Saturday but my mom told me we had a family meeting about my little brother he’s been having depression and he’s having suicidal thoughts so I was a bit occupied but hopefully next week I have time.

White hairs are so annoying I try to burn them but they pop out out of nowhere 😩

I’m glad your liked Nothin’ the songs is my favorite 😂 Chanyeol killed it and I love the music video a lot he looks hot on the motorcycle.

I don’t know junhui much but he seems sweet and funny 🥰 i got into seventeen last year but I’m still learning about them I know more about hosi and the8 but I’m slowly getting to know the other members more. Speaking of that I recently got into Ateez as well just a few months ago 😂💀

I cry watching the movie its a little sad but it’s like kind of base on a true story 😅 I didn’t know how to explain it

I’m glad the feeling is mutual I’m so happy we meet your been really kind and nice to me 🩵🩵

My favorite flavors of ice cream is vanilla chocolate and cookies and cream 😩���🏻 what about yours?

-I was supposed to post it yesterday but I fall asleep than I went to work the next day and I forgot to post it 😩😩 I swear I keep forgetting everything 😞